Before I’m Gone Book Three in the Bluff Harbor Series by Emma Tharp Before I’m Gone By Emma Tharp Copyright © 2017, Emma Tharp For more about this aut...
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Before I’m Gone Book Three in the Bluff Harbor Series
by
Emma Tharp
Before I’m Gone By Emma Tharp Copyright © 2017, Emma Tharp For more about this author please visit http://www.emmatharp.com/ All characters and events in this short story, other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, then please direct them to http://www.emmatharp.com/. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, contact the publisher at http://www.emmatharp.com/ 1. Main category—[Fiction] 2. Other category—[Romance] First Edition
Chapter 1 The bar is a sea of college students. It’s normally busy, but tonight is chaos, no doubt because it’s Christmas break. I knock into person after cologne drenched person attempting to get to the bar, glad I took the Xanax before I left. I’m not sure walking in here alone would’ve happened without a little help from my tiny blue pill. My best friend Kate caught some kind of flu so was in no shape to join me for a much-needed night out drinking. And my boyfriend River is staying in tonight because his brother, Bauer is home for the holidays. Male bonding trumped girlfriend time. I’m more than okay with that. River is a great boyfriend, but if I’m honest with myself, our relationship isn’t the same as it was when we started dating a year ago. Scanning the bar, I see some girls from my History elective. I don’t want to talk to them; it’s bad enough during class. Kate’s sister Stella, and Becks, Stella’s boyfriend are here, but they’re making out. Sometimes they just need to get a room. Someone loaded the jukebox with nineties music. The volume is cranked up to the max. Between that and the masses of people, I’m wondering if I’m going to have to take an Ibuprofen. Maybe I’ll leave. Where would I go? Not back home. It sucks that the dorms are closed during break. At home for the month, I’m forced to listen to my father pick on and yell at my mother. No thanks. That got old after the first twenty-four hours back under their roof. Someone taps on my shoulder, startling me. I turn to see the tall and gorgeous Karli Parker just as she sweeps
me into a hug and yells in my ear. “Hey!” “Wow. Hi. I didn’t know you were home.” Of course, I didn’t. It isn’t as if Karli and I have kept in touch other than the occasional Facebook comment during the last couple of years. “Yeah. My cousin Kyle and I drove in for the holidays. It’s really great to see you.” I forgot that she was related to my ex, Kyle Powers. He was such a dick and cheated on me. I smile past the disgust I feel for him. At least I don’t see him here tonight. “It’s great to see you too.” Karli and I have a history. I’ve always admired her long black shiny hair, high cheek bones, and porcelain skin, but I also enjoy her entire aura. I try to ignore the slight tingling in my nerve endings. “How have you been?” Karli leaned in, her face mere inches from mine. I don’t know if it’s because of the noise or because she wants the intimacy. “I’ve been great. What about you?” The smell of her perfume floats around me. It’s sweet and flowery. “Really good. School has been tough, but I’m getting through it.” Her eyes sear through me, and I can’t look away. “I’m happy you’re here.” Her warm, soft hand is such a contrast when she touches my cold one. And it’s just like before. Electricity jolts through me from the point of contact all the way down to my toes. “Do you want a shot?” It seems that liquid courage is in order. When Karli is around, things can get intense. “Sure. I’ll have whatever you’re drinking.” I lean over the bar to order two Southern Comfort shots. We clink our glasses together and I welcome the burn that comes with the alcohol.
She clunks the shot glass down on the bar and shakes her head. “Whoa. I don’t drink much. That one’s going to go to my head.” I laugh and some of the tension leaves my body. She is so beautiful, and her energy gels so well with mine. “Do you want to leave? I’d love to talk, and it’s too loud in here.” This time she’s closer to me and speaking directly into my ear again. It takes all of my composure not to quiver at the sensation of her warm breath. “Sure.” I don’t mind leaving at all, especially with Karli. But I’m not going to let things get physical this time. I’m dating River. It wouldn’t be cool to cheat on him, and more important, I’m not gay. *** “Can I get you anything? All I’ve got is Coke or water,” Karli asks, peering into her refrigerator. “Or I can make some peppermint tea?” “Tea sounds fabulous.” Karli’s mother works nights and her brother is never home. For a moment, I questioned if it was a good idea to be alone with her. I don’t trust myself around her. One night at summer camp years ago, I let things go too far. When I’m with her, my head is in a cloud of shame and desire. The lines of friendship and something more blur together in a way I’m not entirely comfortable with. I watch Karli maneuver around the kitchen, graceful and confident, and wonder if she realizes how sexy she is. She reaches up to the top shelf of her cupboard and a small patch of her abdomen is exposed, soft and smooth. Stop that, Willow. “Where’s your bathroom?” I ask in a throaty tone. “Just down that hall to the left.” I’m up out of my seat before she can see how pink my
cheeks are. They’re burning. I crank the cold water on in the sink and splash my face, dry off with the hand towel, and stare at my reflection. My hair and my face are the same shade of red. I was most definitely checking her out. This has to stop. When I regain some composure, I leave the bathroom to find Karli sitting on the couch with two mugs of tea in front of her on the rustic wood coffee table. I join her, sitting close but not too close. “Everything okay?” Her brows knit together as she studies my expression. “Yeah, why?” My voice actually squeaked. I pick up my cup with a death grip and nearly scald myself taking a sip. “You seem tense. You can tell me what’s going on.” Change the subject, and fast. “Thanks, but I am fine. Tell me what’s been going on with you at Weston. Anyone special to speak of?” “No.” She tosses her long hair over her shoulder. “I mean, I date, but I’m not exclusive with anyone. How about you?” Her hand finds mine and she squeezes gently. I stare down at it and shift my gaze back to hers, trying my hardest to ignore how good her touch feels. “I’ve been dating River McEwan for about eight months now.” If I’m honest with myself, telling her about dating River is like jabbing myself in the gut. Right now, I’d love to be single and available. River and I aren’t perfect. In fact, I’ve been secretly re-evaluating our relationship. Exploring what it felt like to kiss her again might help clear my head. I don’t want to be a cheater, though. “Pretty serious. He is a great guy.” Karli takes a sip of her tea. “He is.” “Then why do you seem sad?” Her scrutiny is too
intense. It’s like she’s peering through me, breaking away the barriers to find the truth. I shift my gaze down. “Everything has been great. I promise.” The words sound empty as they leave my lips. “Okay, good.” She gives me a reassuring smile. “Tell me something.” “Of course.” “Do you ever think about that night? In the woods?” She tilts her head and her fingers make gentle sweeping circles on my arm. My heart thuds in my chest and my breath hitches. “I d- I did.” “Me too. It was pretty magnificent.” Karli’s hand moves to her mouth and she touches her lips with her fingertips. I fidget with the top of my shirt hoping it will cool me down. “The kiss was nice.” Did I say nice? It was so much more than nice. The thought of her lips on mine and the implications of it consumed my thoughts for months. We spent time together during summer camps growing up, but the summer of my senior year, my parents made me go on a religious retreat. I fought them on it, not wanting to go, but my mother pleaded with me. I ended up caving for her, and never regretted that decision. Karli was there and we were fast friends. One night she and I shared a joint in the woods. It was the first time I smoked pot. The high put me in a different state of mind. That’s when I started thinking about my attraction to Karli. She would always hit on me and tell me how beautiful I was, but I had always just laughed it off. That night, we ended up kissing. The smell of pine surrounded us. We were laughing at something, and when she leaned in close to move my hair away from my face, I tilted my head into her hand. Her touch sent a
tingle through me, igniting a fire in my belly. It was as if I were outside my body, looking in. I bent forward and cast my eyes up to hers. She looked at me like I was the most intriguing person she’d ever met. I was the one who initiated the kiss. When her soft lips touched mine, I let my mind go and gave in to my desire. Her tongue pressed against my mouth and I opened to her. My tongue was greedy and eager. At first I let myself believe that it was just a tester kiss, to see what it’d be like to kiss a girl. Quickly I realized how wrong I was. Her hand found my hair and she pressed me in closer to her. The push and pull of our tongues aroused me more than any other first kiss I have experienced. When a sigh escaped her, our mouths became hungrier. I don’t know how long the kiss lasted, but we heard noises coming from deeper in the woods. When I pulled away, her lips were red and swollen. “Wow,” she had said. “I didn’t realize you liked girls.” “I don’t,” I was quick to say. I wiped at my face, pushing my hair away. She hadn’t looked hurt, but seemed to be reading me better than I was reading myself. She saw through me, but was kind enough to go along with my charade. “That’s too bad, because I do.” I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that she was a lesbian before that point. “Oh.” “It felt like you were into me.” Her eyes had scanned my face. “I like guys, but that was nice.” Her scrutiny wasn’t annoying. In fact, it didn’t bother me that she was looking for more from me. I just didn’t have it to give. “Are you bi?” Who the hell knew? I certainly never let myself go there. I envied her and how freely she put her feelings
out there. She knew herself so well. It was one of the things that drew me to her. “I don’t know what I am. Please don’t tell anybody about this. My dad would kick my ass.” She laughed. “Don’t worry, my lips are sealed.” And she was good on her word. She didn’t tell anyone and didn’t harass me about it either. I was young and definitely didn’t have the mental equipment to figure out why my body responded the way it did with Karli. I knew it was more than being high. That type of connection wasn’t something that could be manufactured by a drug. It was very real. I never did figure it out, and seeing her now is bringing back some of the old feelings. She nods, sets her tea down, and leans in nearer to me. When her lips part ever so slightly, I’m unable to stop staring at them. I shift closer to her and smell peppermint on her breath. “I want to again,” she confesses in her lilting, soft voice. Her self-assurance is incredibly sexy. Not unlike the last time, it’s me who goes in first. When my lips touch hers, something awakens in me. My heart pounds and my cheeks burn. It’s new and exciting and sends my senses to places I didn’t know existed. Her tongue finds mine and I’m taken back to the night in the woods. Prickles of electricity weave around my center. I twist my hand in her hair. Tangible evidence of how silky it is. She touches my cheek gently as her tongue moves magically around mine. The connection between us flows through me, touching the deepest recesses of my heart. Karli’s hand reaches up to cup my breast. I sigh and swiftly pull back, surprising myself. Her touch was perfect, but my brain went into overdrive. Her posture stiffens and her hand flies to her chest.
“Oh wow. I’m sorry. Are you okay?” My mouth opens and closes, but no words come out. I take a deep breath and try to express myself, but fall flat. “No, I’m sorry.” “You don’t have anything to apologize—” “Yes, I do.” She deserves an explanation. “First of all, the kiss was mutual. Please don’t think I didn’t like it. I really really did. But it scares the hell out of me. Besides the night of our first kiss, I’ve never thought about being with a girl.” Something in me woke up tonight, something a man has never tapped into. “I’m confused.” Her dark eyes are full of warmth. “It’s perfectly normal to be confused. I get it.” She tucks hair behind her ear and pulls in a deep breath. “That night in the woods meant something to me. It might sound stupid to you, but in the time we spent together, I grew to care for you. And if I’m honest, I think I started falling for you then.” I’m flattered and freaked out all at the same time. Granted, I had strong feelings for her, but it wasn’t that deep. I shake my head. This is too much, too soon. “I need some time to digest, okay?” I stand up and pace toward the door. “Of course. Take all the time you need.” She puts a hand on my shoulder and says. “I care about you, but it’s obvious I said too much. Please look at me.” I finish putting my shoes on, then give her my full attention. “Okay.” “I’m here for you when you want to talk. I’ve gone through all of this already. The fear and doubt—it’s all normal. I can help you.” Is this normal? Nothing about it feels that way. Do I want to open myself up to a relationship with her? Shouldn’t this be easy? It’s as if a giant boulder has been placed on my shoulders. It’d be easier to run out of here
and never look back, but with the burn of her mouth still fresh on my lips, I know that’s not possible. I nod. “I know. Thank you.” She kisses me on the cheek and opens the door for me. I risk one last look back at her, somehow knowing my life will never be the same.
Chapter 2 The sun seeps in my window. I throw the blankets off, suddenly far too warm. My clock reads 7:00 AM. What the hell am I doing up so early during break? Especially since I barely slept at all last night. My mind was all over the map after I left Karli. I tossed and turned all night, reliving every moment I’ve ever spent with her. How is it possible that I have these feelings for a girl? I’ve been close with Kate for as long as I can remember, but never had feelings for her. That’s why I can’t be attracted to Karli—I’ve never felt this way before, so it can’t be real now. I rub at my sore eyes and force myself up and into the shower. I let the hot water wash over me, hoping for a small ounce of clarity but find none. I have to see River. Maybe he’ll come over. Yes. This could definitely help me figure things out. I text him and ask if he has some time to see me today. “Of course. I’d love to. See you in an hour,” he replies. Okay, an hour to kill. I can wait. After straightening my hair and polishing my nails, I’m relieved when River shows up. I open the door and immediately go in for a kiss. He’s not expecting what I give him. I thrust my tongue in his mouth and press my body into his. He grabs my ass and pulls me in close, hard in an instant. The warmth of his mouth is welcoming, but it’s not the same electricity I feel when kissing Karli. I attempt to work past it, push through and find what I want to find with him. His hands are in my hair, his excitement growing by the second. Why isn’t mine? I pull back, inviting him inside.
“Good to see you, too,” River says, making himself at home. He takes his sneakers off and heads to the living room. “Where are your parents?” “They’re at church. We’ve got some time to ourselves.” I raise my brow at him. “Oh, really.” He strides toward me and kisses me again. “Should we go upstairs?” Why waste time. I don’t know how long we’ll be alone. It’s important to me to get answers, reassure myself that I still want to be with men. “Yes. Did you bring a condom? We can’t do it again unprotected.” I shake my head, still disbelieving that I actually made that mistake. He did pull out, but I know the statistics. “I brought two.” He pulls them out of his pocket and displays them for me. I clutch his hand, excited to get this experiment under way, and lead him to my room. We lie on my bed and when River’s lips hungrily find mine, I will myself to stay present and not compare every sound, every smell, and every touch to Karli. My breaths speed up—not from desire but from anxiety. *** “Are you sure everything is okay?” River’s teal-blue eyes are full of concern. “Yes. I forgot to take my meds last night and now I’m paying for it.” This is a lie. I took my pills before I went out, but the entire time I was having sex with River, it was as if I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. “All right. Calm down. Roll over. I can rub your back.” His tone is soothing and kind, somehow making me feel worse because I was most definitely not into our love making. I fought so hard to stay in the moment with him, but nothing worked.
Perfect. Now I don’t have to look in his eyes with intense guilt. Guilt for wishing he was someone else while I was lying with him. He rubs the knots out of my shoulders but it doesn’t calm me or still my mind. This is not good. I wish more than anything I could go back, un-kiss her and forget how good it felt. How perfect her mouth felt against mine. I’m beyond confused and not ready to face what my gut is telling me. I have feelings for a woman. The implication of this discovery sends a shiver down my spine. My father will disown me if he ever finds out. I remember when I was twelve years old, I caught my parents arguing. My mother was in communication with my father’s brother. My dad hadn’t spoken to my uncle in years, since he came out. His only brother was dead to him because of his sexual orientation. If I told my parents that I was in a relationship with a girl, my mom would support me and my dad wouldn’t. It would probably be what finally gets my mother to leave him. She should have years ago. He’s verbally abused her for as long as I can remember. As I lie next to River, all I can think about is Karli. Things between River and I suddenly seem different. His touch isn’t bringing me to the places it once did and his words are empty. It’s not his fault. I have to think. “My parents are going to be home soon.” I wonder if he thinks it’s odd that I asked him over here to have sex and now I’m kicking him out. He’s a guy, chances are he won’t think twice. I chance a glance at him. His teal eyes are warm and content like they always are after making love. “Are you feeling better?” He lets one of his fingers linger on my back, drawing small soothing circles.
“I do. Thanks for the back rub. I’m going to take my pills now too.” My muscles are somewhat relaxed, though my mind is anything but calm. I give him the best smile I can muster. “I’ll get dressed.” He stands up and pulls his boxer briefs on. “Do you have plans today?” “Yeah, I’m having lunch with Kate. What about you?” I’m not going out with Kate today. I’m not even sure she’s feeling better, but I need time to think. “Bauer and I are going to a movie. Want to come?” He looks hopeful. “We can go to a later showing.” “No, that’s okay. Bond with your brother. I’ll call you later.” Maybe. My god, I’m making myself sick. “Sounds good, babe.” He kisses the top of my head. I watch him walk out the door as relief washes over me. At first I thought I needed alone time to think, but it wasn’t long before I thought better of it. “Want to go out for lunch?” I text Karli within minutes of River leaving. I want to spend time with her before she goes back to Weston. I know talking to her will help me figure things out. “I’m at my cousins’. We’re ordering pizza. Come over.” “The Powers’ apartment?” “Yeah.” “Okay, I’ll be over soon.” Hanging out with Lane sounds okay, but I’m not a huge fan of Kyle since he cheated on me. It was years ago, though, and I want to see Karli. “Yay! Can’t wait to see you.” Warmth moves through me and I smile. It surprises me at how giddy a text makes me. I pull up to the Powers’ apartment and look in my rearview mirror. I apply some lip-gloss and smooth my hair down, then smile at myself to be sure there are no food remnants in my teeth. Once I’m sure I look good, I hop
out and jog to the front door. “Hey, Willow.” Lane immediately pulls me into a bear hug. He smells great. “Happy holidays, Lane. Thanks for having me over.” “Of course. Let me take your coat.” I remove it while stepping into the kitchen and hand it to him. He hangs it on the back of a chair at the small table. His place seems clean, but lacks the décor you’d see at my parents’ place or even my dorm. Total bachelor pad. I can’t wait to have the privacy and quiet back that my dorm room provides. Karli comes prancing out of the living room and brings me in for a hug. “Hey, baby,” she whispers in my hair. My heart rate quickens with her mere touch and adorable pet name. “Hi.” “Want a drink? I’ve got beer and Gatorade,” Lane asks, opening his refrigerator. “Beer is great.” I could use a little liquid courage to loosen me up. Lane hands me the bottle and Karli leads me into the living room. Kyle looks away up from the TV and says, “Hi, Willow. How’s it going?” “Great, thanks.” I use my semi-fake, happy tone. I still don’t trust him. He smiles in my direction on the way back to staring at the game. “Get in here, Lane. They just got a TD.” He cheers loudly. “Sorry, they’re both really into football.” She smiles and takes a seat next to me on the loveseat. “That’s okay. I like football.” “You do?” Her nose wrinkles. “Not really.” We giggle. “I wanted to hang out with you.” “Me too. I was glad you texted me. I wasn’t sure you
would.” She places her hand on mine, but only for a moment. “These guys are totally into the game. We can chat.” Apprehensive, I steal a look at the guys doing their guy thing. They don’t seem to notice Karli and me at all. I’m sure we look like a couple of old friends catching up. I’m relieved that I get the chance to spend more time with her. As much as I’d like to be alone with her, it’s good for me to have her cousins around. They are the perfect barrier, allowing me to be with Karli, but with no pressure to do more than that. I am most definitely not ready for anything more yet. “Perfect,” I say. “How have you been?” She’s gently biting her lip and looking at me from under her eyelashes. “I mean, since yesterday?” I smirk at her. “I’m okay.” I look over at the guys, confirming they’re still completely engrossed in the game. “If I’m honest, I can’t get you off my mind.” Her eyes light up. Little flecks of light caramel woven in with russet and black. She looks so hopeful. “Same with me.” I wring my hands together. My head is the perfect storm of wanting her and wanting to run in the other direction and never look back. “I care for you, but my head is all over the map. Please be patient with me.” She grasps my hands in hers and says, “There’s no pressure here. Okay? Let’s relax and talk.” I exhale, the air suddenly thinner. “Thank you.” “Of course. I’m just happy you’re here.” Warmth and sincerity flow from her. The only stress I’m having is completely self-induced. A knock at the door startles me. “Pizza’s here,” Kyle shouts. “You have the cash, right,
Karli?” “Yup.” She hops up and goes to the door. I follow her into the kitchen. She pays the delivery guy and places the pizza and box of wings on the table. “Come in here and eat, guys.” Lane and Kyle come barreling into the room hi-fiving. “The team just kicked ass,” Lane says. “Awesome,” I say, having no real idea who “the team” actually is. We all take seats around the small table and eat pizza off paper plates. I don’t even care about looking lady-like. I’m starving. I tear into a huge piece and close my eyes at the satisfaction of the hot melted cheese, pepperoni, and veggies. Heavenly. “Do you have all of your classes set for next semester?” Kyle asks Karli in between giant bites. “Of course, I was finished over a month ago. Don’t tell me you waited until the last minute.” Karli laughs. “Well, I had good intentions, but never did make it in to meet with my advisor before we came home. Don’t worry. I’m all set now.” “Of course you waited until the last minute.” Lane whacks the back of Kyle’s head. Kyle retaliates by throwing a chicken wing directly at Lane’s face. He ducks and the wing splats across the white refrigerator, leaving a trail of orange behind before landing on the floor. Karli laughs, throwing her head back. “Knock it off. You guys are disgusting.” She stands and wipes off the wing remnants from all assaulted surfaces. When she bends over I can’t help but admire how cute her butt looks in her fitted jeans. Get control of yourself. I glance at the guys, making sure they didn’t notice me checking out their cousin. Looks like the only thing
they’re concerned with is their pizza and getting as much of it in their mouths in one bite. “When are you guys heading back to Weston?” I ask after Karli has returned to her seat. “We’re heading back right after the new year. I have to work. I’m waitressing now, making pretty good tips too,” Karli says. My heart sinks a little. We’ve only got a couple more weeks to hang out. “Oh, wow. I didn’t know you had a job.” “She’s always been the responsible Powers,” Kyle jokes. “What the hell? I’m responsible,” Lane chimes in. “Yeah, right.” Kyle mops grease off his face with what looks to be his tenth napkin. Everyone at the table laughs at Lane’s expense. The awkwardness I was expecting being this close to Kyle never comes. It looks like I really am over the shit he pulled when we were dating. The Powers cousins are so much fun to be around. They gel so well together. Karli told me that she came out to her entire family, and it’s clear Lane and Kyle never pass judgment about her being gay. She doesn’t know how good she has it being with her family as an openly gay woman. When dinner is over, we decide to watch a movie. Kyle chooses something scary with gore and all. I sit extra close to Karli and cover my eyes at the freaky parts. I don’t understand why anyone finds these movies entertaining. Karli doesn’t seem to be bothered, but does occasionally startle or cry out. All of the sudden, a Zombie bites off someone’s head and my stomach turns. I reflexively gag. Karli looks at me. “Are you okay?”
“No, I don’t think I am.” I stand and bolt into the kitchen. I grab a glass and fill it with water, chug half of it, and then try taking deep breaths. “What’s wrong? Was it the movie?” Karli asks, concern in her tone. “I think it was. It completely turned my stomach.” I finish the glass of water and the nausea begins to subside. “I’m sorry. I don’t normally watch that type of movie. I had no idea how gory it would get.” Her hand comes to my shoulder and she studies my face. “I’m not a fan of horror films. I should’ve said something. I haven’t watched one in forever. In fact, I think it was when I was dating Kyle.” I laugh a little. “Oh gosh. I forgot you two used to date. This wasn’t weird tonight, was it?” “No. It was actually great. Well, until just now.” I grab a paper towel and wipe my forehead with it. “Your color is coming back. You were white as a sheet for a minute.” I’m thanking my lucky stars that I didn’t throw up, but still shaky. “I think I’m going to call it a night now.” Her shoulders slump forward slightly and she sighs. “Don’t worry. I understand. I hope I can see you again soon.” “I’d like that too.” Warmth spreads through me as Karli puts her arms around my neck and hugs me. She smells like lavender and flowers. She kisses me on the cheek. It’s perfect. I don’t want more than that tonight. My stomach still hasn’t quite settled and my brain is telling me to go gently with my heart.
Chapter 3 Finding time to spend with Karli over the next week is tricky. We both have holiday family obligations, and between Kate and River occupying my time with movies, dinners, and get togethers, I’ve been busy. Which is why when I feel run down, I ignore it and blame it on being exhausted. For a few days, I thought I had caught the flu that was going around. One morning while getting ready to go shopping with my mother, I run out of mouthwash and go to the pantry to grab a new bottle. There, I notice the new box of tampons I bought ages ago and look at the date on my watch. My stomach sinks. Am I late? Holy shit. I check my calendar on my phone and find that I’m well over two weeks late. Holy shit. What do I do? This is terrible. I’m in college. I don’t have the time or maturity to be someone’s mother. I can’t have a baby. My dad would be disappointed, and pissed off. He’d take it out on my mother. I can’t do that to my sweet, kind mother. No way. River. What would he say? He’s so driven. Sports and academics are his main focus in life. He wants nothing more than to move on with his education and carry on his family’s business legacy. An unexpected call from me telling him I’m pregnant is the last thing he needs. Quite honestly, this is the last thing any of us needs. But abortion isn’t an option for me. I couldn’t do that to this poor defenseless baby. Not when there are so many people out there desperate to have babies. Tears stream down my face as I try to figure out who I can trust with this information. Kate comes to mind, but is
immediately crossed out. I love her, but she’ll demand that I tell my parents and River. Keeping this from my mom and dad is priority number one. I’ll be saving River so much anguish and heartache if I take care of this on my own. I pick up the phone and call Karli. “Hi.” Her voice is cheery. Excited. “Karli. Can you talk?” My voice is tense and anxious. “Sure. What’s up?” “I think I might be pregnant,” I say, my tone flat. The line is silent for a minute. “Is it River’s?” “Yes. Of course it’s River’s. But I can’t call him. I mean, I might not be. I’m late, though. And I’m scared. What should I do?” It all comes out in a blur and my voice is ragged. I’m barely breathing. Did I take my Xanax last night? Yes, I think I did. “Go buy a test. You need to know for sure.” “I can’t take the test here. My parents would freak out if they found out.” Even if I dispose of everything properly, I can’t risk the possibility of slipping up. “My mom is around. Let’s go to Lane’s apartment. They aren’t home. I’ll meet you there in an hour.” “You have keys?” I’m more than a little surprised that she has access to their apartment. “Yeah. They asked me to go over and clean for them. They paid me, and personally, I couldn’t stand being over there with it being such a messy bachelor pad. I haven’t given them the keys back yet.” “Oh, okay. Convenient. Thank you.” I can’t believe that I have to go to a drug store now and buy a pregnancy test. Fuck. I pace back and forth through my room, focusing on keeping my breathing in check. How could I have gotten so caught up in the moment that I didn’t say no to sex without protection?
Inside, I already know what the test is going to say. It’ll be positive. My hands are shaking as I grab my car keys. I drive to a drug store twenty minutes outside of town. I can’t risk seeing anyone there or knowing a cashier. I walk in and scan the aisles. Thankfully, I don’t recognize anyone. Of course, there has to be twenty different pregnancy test kits. Easy to use or find out sooner, ovulation predictors, blue lines or pink lines. My jaw aches. I begin to massage it and try to assess my best kit option. I grab the most official looking box. Peering toward the check-out area, I see an elderly woman talking to the cashier. I don’t know either one of them. Score. At the check-out, I set the box down with a twentydollar bill. “That’ll be $16.27,” the check-out clerk says. She’s not looking at me with judgment. Nope, I’m just another transaction to her. Thank goodness, I’m not sure I could handle that. I pick up the box and start walking away as I say, “Keep the change.” Speeding to the Powers’ apartment, I make it there in record time. Karli is at the door as soon as I knock on it. “Are you okay?” She’s hugging me before I can even answer. “I’m not sure. I’m going to do this now.” I hold up the test with no pretense. “Let’s go see what my fate holds.” I rush to the bathroom. I tuck my hair behind my ear and shift uneasily on the edge of Lane’s bathtub. Karli stares at me, then at the little stick, waiting for the line, or two, to show up. “Please let it only be one line,” I say just above a whisper. “What are you going to do if it’s positive?” Karli asks,
placing one of her hands on mine. “Can we not talk about this until we know for sure?” My foot bounces up and down and Karli’s hand flies off my leg. “I’m sorry. Why is it taking so long? The instructions said two minutes. Hasn’t it been two minutes?” I launch myself up and pace back and forth in the small bathroom. “It’s okay. It shouldn’t be much longer now.” Karli looks at the stick and her eyes shoot to mine. “What is it?” I grab the test and focus on the little window showing the exact opposite of what I want to see. My heart drops and sadness washes over me. Two pink lines. How can this be happening? Tears well in my eyes. Karli is at my side in a second, pulling me in for a consoling hug. “How could I have let this happen? We only did it once without protection. Fuck.” I sink down to the floor and rest my head between my knees, thinking over the last week or so. Deep inside, I knew I was pregnant. I’ve never felt this way before. So ravenous and nauseated all at the same time—it wasn’t the flu. My body was experiencing strange tingles. The flu had never affected me like that before. I go sit back down on the edge of the tub. “It’s going to be okay.” She sits next to me and attempts to rub my shoulders. My mouth becomes dry and I begin to sweat. Anxiety is closing in, tightening its grip on me. I bolt up to stand in front of the sink and run cold water, gulp several large sips, and douse my face, let the cold soothe me. “What can I do?” Karli is at my side with a hand towel, fear etched in her features. “I’ll be all right. I just need a minute.” I splash water on my arms and face. The chill takes the sting out of my
new harsh reality. My breathing and pulse begin to slow. When I have myself under control, I take the towel from her and wipe my face. “Better now?” “I guess so. It could’ve been much worse.” I think back to times when I’ve been out in public or in confined spaces and felt as if there was an elephant on my chest. Anxiety is a cruel bitch. Thankfully, my pills give me some respite. The pills—I can’t take those when I’m pregnant. I’m sure of it. I’ll have to stop right away. “Baby, you scared me.” She takes my clammy hand in her soft warm one. “Let’s go sit somewhere comfortable.” She leads me to the living room and we sit on the couch. “I’m sorry.” “Don’t apologize. I’m glad I was here with you, even if I wasn’t much help.” Looking in her eyes, I stroke her cheek and give her a small sweet kiss. “Thank you. It means the world to me that you didn’t dart out of here when the going got tough.” “Never. That’s not who I am. Want a water?” She’s going to the kitchen before I can answer. “Sure, that’d be great.” She’s so nurturing and good. I can feel her positive energy from a mile away. She hands me my drink and takes a seat next to me. “Please don’t be upset.” She tugs at the top of her shirt and blinks several times. “But I need to ask you what you’re going to do? I know you just found out, but have you even thought about it yet?” “It’s all I’ve thought about since I realized I was late. I know what I have to do. I just don’t know how to do it.” The thought of my father’s reaction to his un-wed daughter’s pregnancy sends cold chills shooting down my spine.
“I can help you, if you want me to.” She looks so sweet, but knows nothing about Roger Peterson. “I wish you could help me.” “Say the word and I’m there.” Staring off into space, I nod at her. “I’m having the baby.” “Oh wow, okay. You’re ready to be a mom?” She’s not being accusatory or harsh, instead quizzical. “Absolutely not. I think I’ll have the baby and give it up for adoption. No other scenario makes sense to me.” Running it over again and again in my mind only makes the circumstances less clear. “I don’t believe in abortion. Won’t happen.” I firmly believe it’s a woman’s choice to do what she deems necessary in her set of circumstances, but in mine, the only thing that makes sense is having the baby and giving her to someone who can offer her the life she deserves. “What’s River going to say? Do you think he would want to keep it?” Pacing back and forth, I imagine my boyfriend’s face as I tell him that he got me pregnant. Lines of stress and horror crease his face. No. River would definitely not want a baby. “He can’t know. I mean, not yet. Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t know how to handle this.” “My lips are sealed.” She makes the zip-your-lip sign and tosses out the key. “Thank you. I have to be so careful. It’d be best if my dad didn’t find out. He’d kill me.” Karli’s mouth drops open. “No, he wouldn’t. He’s a public figure.” “Oh yes he would. Because he’s a public figure. And a bit of an asshole.” “I’m sure once you told him that you were doing the responsible thing and giving the baby up for adoption,
he’d be okay, right?” “Absolutely not. He is extremely strict. I am the only child and he’s always put pressure on me to be perfect and follow his rules. No leeway. This pregnancy will not go over well.” Neither would telling him that I think I might like girls, but I won’t go into that now. “You won’t be able to hide it forever, Willow.” “I’ll figure something out.” As the words spill from my lips, I doubt them. Just then I get a text alert from Kate. “Pick you up at 5 pm.” “Damn. I forgot.” I run my hand through my hair, wishing with every fiber of my being that I didn’t say I would go out tonight. “What’s wrong?” “Group dinner. A bunch of us are going. I completely forgot that it was tonight. Want to come?” It would be amazing if she could join us. She might be the only person to help me keep my sanity since she’s the only one who knows my secret. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I have plans with my mom and aunt.” I almost start to cry, but rein it in before the waterworks begin. “It’s okay. I can do this. I’ll go for an hour, then tell everyone I’m not feeling well.” Then I’ll go home, alone, and try to figure out what the hell I’m going to do. “Try to relax. I’m only a phone call away if you need me.” She grins and strokes my hair out of my face with her fingertips. When she continues running her nails over my scalp, the sensation wraps me in a blanket of comfort. “Thank you, Karli. I appreciate you being here today.” “No place I’d rather be.” She kisses my cheek and I’m swept up in her. For these few moments, I allow myself to believe that everything might just turn out okay.
*** “I’ll have a sprite with lime, but can you bring it out in a bar glass?” I speak directly to the waiter. Thankfully, it’s loud with everyone chatting. We’ve got twelve people at our table tonight. People will get suspicious if I only order water. We’re here to celebrate the holidays with friends, but celebrating is the last thing on my mind. “How are you feeling? You look a little pale.” River asks, a crease in his brow. I shift in my seat and clutch my menu tightly. I wish he would focus on something or someone else. “Fine. What are you going to order?” My words are clipped and I’m having a hard time keeping the edge out of my tone. I’ve got to work on my acting skills. Redirecting the conversation to food definitely hit the mark. He’s back to staring at the menu. “I don’t know. Maybe the filet. What about you?” “The pasta looks great.” It really doesn’t. Nothing does. My stomach is in knots and my nausea is off the charts. I have to order something, though. “I’ll give you a bite of filet if you give me a bite of yours.” His voice is chipper. River loves food. It’s a good thing he’s an athlete or he might weigh three hundred pounds. “Of course.” Laughter and conversation surround me—it’s perfect. It’s easier to listen in on chit chat, nod, and smile than it is to fake a one on one discussion. I sip on my virgin vodka and pick at my salad. When the main course is served, the smell of all the foods mixing causes me to gag. Again, the noise level and distractions save me. No one seems to notice when I suppress the urge to vomit. I lift my napkin and put it under my nose. With a few deep breaths, I get myself under control.
River jabs a fork in front of my face with a very rare piece of filet. Normally I would devour it, but tonight it nearly causes me to retch. “Here’s the bite I promised you.” “No.” I wave it away. “No, thank you. It’s too rare tonight.” With a sidelong glance he says, “You sure you’re okay?” “Yes, why? Stop asking,” I say in a huff. The first tinges of anxiety blur my thoughts. “Wills. Something is wrong, I can tell. You know how much I hate it when you hide things from me.” He puts his fork down and gives me his undivided attention. His brows are knitted and his chin is jutting out. His patience is running slim. He has always been able to read me like a book. If he believes for a moment that something is amiss, he grills me on it. Then we talk it through, whatever it is. It’s something I appreciate about him—his strong communication skills—but tonight it’s pissing me off. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to hide this from him. I cross my arms over my stomach and slouch inward. “I don’t feel well tonight. Maybe I’m coming down with whatever Kate had,” I say, my voice shaking. “Why didn’t you say that to begin with? I told you you were looking pale tonight. You know how I feel about being open and honest. It’s all I ask for.” His smile wavers. He’s conflicted. He feels bad because I told him I’m sick, but mad because I didn’t come right out with the truth. “I didn’t want to ruin the night. Maybe I should leave?” I put it in his court, even though I want more than anything to go. “No, don’t leave. I haven’t spent much time with you
lately.” He grabs my hand and kisses the back of it. “Stay for a little longer. Maybe if you eat, you’ll feel better.” Of all nights, why can’t he let me off the hook? “I told you, I’m sick. The food is turning my stomach.” My voice rises. “I want to go home.” “But—” I fly out of my seat and toss my napkin on the table. I stride to the bathroom and begin to cry. This isn’t going to work. My complete inability to act is going to blow my cover. When the door swings open, I already know who it is. “What’s going on?” Kate asks, striding toward me. She stops next to me and examines me. I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hands, anything to avoid eye contact with her. “Everything is fine. River’s just being a jerk.” I do my best at sounding convincing. Pulling one over on Kate is just as hard as it is with River. I’d love to tell her; she’s my best friend. Maybe when I have a plan, I’ll clue her in. “What did he say?” Kate is staring at me in the mirror with concern in her eyes. With an ache in my throat, I lie. “Oh, nothing. Maybe it’s just PMS. I want to go home.” “Okay. Do you want me to drive you, or will River?” Her voice is soothing and I know she would drop everything right now if I asked her to. What I need is alone time. “No, it’s fine. I need to blow off some steam. I’ll walk.” I remove the smudges of mascara under my eyes, readying myself to make a quick getaway. “Please, tell River I need a minute. I don’t want him to come looking for me.” “Are you going to be all right?” Her hand comes to my back and she rubs in a circular pattern. I absolutely hate lying to her, but it is my only option. I know her so well.
Honest to a fault. She’ll want me to tell my parents and River immediately. That just won’t work. “Yes, I’m good. Honestly. I’ll call you later.” I kiss her on the cheek feeling like the most dishonest, worst friend in the history of friends.
Chapter 4 After a horrible night of sleep wrought with tossing and turning and guilt seeping in the crevices of my conscience, I’m in need of a major caffeine boost. I barely slept a wink. When Karli called me in the morning to ask how I was doing, I wanted to see her face to face. I needed her reassurance and support. I invited her to coffee and was so happy when she accepted. “Why don’t you come back to Weston with me? You can transfer,” Karli suggests. Her long hair is swept up in a high bun. She isn’t wearing any makeup; she doesn’t need it. She looks effortlessly beautiful. “They’d never accept me. My grades aren’t great. I’m working on getting them up, but they certainly aren’t up to Weston’s standards.” My father’s money and connections got me into Bluff Harbor College, and he told me that under no circumstances would he try to get me into another college. They want to keep an eye on me and make sure I keep my grades up. He always puts pressure on me. I have to get good grades; I have to go to grad school and get settled with my career before even thinking about getting married or having kids. He’s got it all planned out, so when my grades in high school weren’t up to his standards, he laid down the law. She nods and blows on her cup of peppermint tea. “You could take a semester off.” “Ha. That would throw off red flags to my parents too. It’s sad how much control they have over me. The only child.” I make air quotes. If I think about it too long, I’m deathly afraid of what my father will do. And my mother would be stuck in the middle. I can’t do that to her.
“Know that you are welcome to stay with me if you decide to come. My door is always open to you.” She strokes her fingers up and down my hand. “I appreciate the offer, but I won’t be coming to Weston unless it’s for a quick visit with you.” I dismiss the idea of leaving the Bluff for any length of time. It’s not realistic. Karli is sweet for offering me an option, though. “You didn’t tell me about dinner last night.” Picking at the pastry I bought, I take a small bite. Nope, it looked good, but I can tell already it won’t sit well. “It was horrible. I wanted to take a Xanax before I went, but decided against it. I haven’t researched how my meds will affect the baby, so I’m not taking them. Leaning in closer, she asks, “Is that a good idea? To stop them cold turkey?” I shake my head. “I need to look it up. I haven’t taken the time. I will, don’t worry.” I add this to my mental list of items needing to be checked off. I should probably make an appointment to see an obstetrician too. “Why was dinner horrible?” “River kept grilling me on what was wrong. I’m emotionally drained from all of this and getting interrogated was last on my list of things to do last night.” “I’m sorry. That sucks.” “It does. He cares about me and is attentive, which is normally wonderful, but now borderlines on annoying.” I almost cry. All I ever wanted was to have someone love me and care for me. River is doing just that and I push him away. I couldn’t be more conflicted. “Have you thought anymore about telling him? He might agree with you.” “No. He is laser focused on his goals for his future with grad school and sports. He’d see this as a burden, a failure. I don’t want to see that in his eyes when he looks
at me.” Tears are flowing now. Karli hands me a napkin and pulls me in for a hug. “Everything is going to work out. I know it will,” she whispers into my hair. I pull strength from her words. “Thank you for the confidence and for comforting me. I know this is a difficult time to be around me. My head is all over the map, and honestly, I’m in no position to consider my relationship with you.” I don’t want to hurt her, but I’ve got a world of other problems to sort through before I can even try to wrangle with my feelings toward Karli. “Listen to me.” Her dark eyes blaze through mine, transfixing me. “I care for you and see the potential for us, but if friends are all we can be right now, that’s good enough for me.” I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding. “You are too good to me.” “You’re worth it.” There’s something in her stare that connects us. The bond is so strong and has nothing to do with our physical closeness. It’s deeper, more meaningful. She leans in and kisses me. So taken away in the moment, I let her. It’s soft and neither of us opens our mouths. I smell her perfume and peppermint. Desire simmers deep in my belly, but I put a lid on it. I pull away and shake my head. “Sorry.” “Intense. I know you feel it too. We will come back around to each other, no matter what happens, baby,” Karli says, voice confident. I nod. I hope so. Making false promises to her wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I need to do some massive soul searching before I move forward. “Here.” She stands up, puts a folded-up piece of paper in my purse, and gives me a peck on the cheek. “Read it later. I’ve got to run. Call me later.”
*** The holidays fly by in a haze of shopping, wrapping, and Christmas get togethers. All of this is a nice distraction from my current dilemma. Thankfully, everyone else is crazy busy too. It gives me reprieve from being under everyone’s scrutiny. I spend time with Karli and find it nearly impossible to control my emotions when she says goodbye to me before going back to college. If only it weren’t so far away. I’m at such a loss about losing the only person who knows my secret. She assured me that she’s only a phone call away and will be back to visit as soon as she gets time off work. Sadness clings to me like an annoying ex-boyfriend. Without my “happy pills,” I’m finding it increasingly difficult to lift my mood. I read online that my medications aren’t suitable for someone carrying a baby. That and the pregnancy hormones are a dangerous combination. Somehow, with this new life growing inside me, I find better ways to pretend. I draw strength from Karli’s note: Baby, can’t wait to be with you again. I’m so happy we aren’t strangers anymore. I’ve missed everything about you. Your laugh, your smile, and the way you look at me. I need you. I want to love you. Yours, K. Between Facetime, texts, and calls, Karli is what keeps me moving forward. I lied and told River and Kate that I have mono. They bought it hook, line, and sinker. I played the sickness card to stay at my parents’ place instead of the dorm room I share with Kate, for the first month and a half of the semester. My father spent most
of that time away with campaign business. My mother took care of me, which was nice. Kate and River still text and call me, but they’ve cut me some slack and kept the constant scrutiny to a minimum. With River busy with school and lacrosse and Kate in full on bookworm mode for the spring semester, I’ve been enjoying more alone time. Yes, it’s lonely, but much needed. I haven’t gained a pound. In fact, since not much sounds good to eat and the morning sickness hasn’t loosened its vise-like grip, I’ve actually lost weight. While it’s not great for my energy levels, it’s certainly helping me keep the pregnancy a secret. *** On a warm day in March, Kate asks me if I’d like to go on a picnic by the lake. It’s the perfect time to tell her about the baby. I’m crawling out of my skin with wanting to share my secret with someone other than Karli. Now that I’m living back in the dorms, I’ve been trying to rally and play the “normal college student” role. It’s exhausting. I fret about it all day, but know it’s time to come clean. But what if she tries to convince me to tell my parents? I’ll make her swear to secrecy before I open up. I miss my pills. A Xanax would make this entire conversation that much easier. Before we leave for the lake, I resolve to tell her. It’s as if I can breathe better already and haven’t even done it yet. Kate lays a large pink and white floral quilt on the ground and sets her picnic basket on top. “This looks great,” I say as Kate pulls out cheeses, pepperoni, crackers, wine, and small plastic cups. “I’m so glad it looks good to you. I know this case of mono has really taken you down.”
Thank goodness Doctor Google told me that some cases of mono can cause fatigue that lasts for months. I am definitely milking it. Kate pours us each a glass of wine and hands me one. Taking a seat, I examine the food and place my wine on the ground next to the quilt. What looks most appetizing? I take a piece of Munster and nibble on it. It doesn’t taste too bad. I lean back on my elbows and tilt my face toward the sun, letting the heat erase my negative thoughts. I’m going to come clean today. With the breeze blowing and the smell of fresh spring blooms surrounding me, I could sleep here. It’s a beautiful day to soothe my soul. What a nice change, to be relaxed and content. Most nights I’m lucky if I get any rest. I toss and turn stressing about my circumstances, wishing I could figure a way out of them. When I open my eyes, Kate has her phone’s camera trained on me. I look at her and give her a smile. Then she tilts her head toward me and we take selfies with the blue sky above us and the dark lake behind. Looking through the pictures she took, all I see is the makeup I have caked on—a camouflage mask to hide the sleepless nights and less than stellar nutrition. My normal peaches and cream complexion is now sickly, washed out and etched with deep dark circles. Even with what feels like pounds of concealer, the darkness under my eyes is hard to miss. If Kate notices, she doesn’t say anything. Kate makes a pepperoni and cheese sandwich between two crackers. She takes a bite and crumbs fall to the quilt. “It’s really coming together, isn’t it?” “What?” “All of this.” She waves her arm in the air. A breeze blows through her hair sending a stream of light brown
waves flowing behind her. “You and me. Our dreams are coming true. What we’ve wished for since we were little girls.” It’s a stab through my heart. I inhale and force the breath through my nose. “Yeah.” I know I sound less than enthused, but she doesn’t seem to notice and just keeps talking. “Your grades are coming up. I’ve been able to save money working at Sheldon’s. We’re on track to be at NYU for grad school in under two years. Can you believe it?” “No, definitely not.” I don’t believe it and it’s definitely not happening, at least for me anyway. The plans we made to go away to graduate school together and share a small New York City apartment. We had it all figured out. Best friends forever could take on the city. One night of unprotected sex and my life is a mess. “I couldn’t be happier, Wills.” She takes a long sip of her wine. I don’t even think she’s noticed that I’m not drinking mine. I bring the cup to my lips and pretend to take a drink. “I’m so excited.” Her happiness is actually burning my guts. Tears start to sting my eyes. How can I open up to her now about all my shit when she’s overjoyed about our futures? Maybe the truth can wait until tomorrow. She throws her arms around me, squeezing tight. I love the smell of her strawberry shampoo and rose body lotion. She comforts me and upsets me at the same time. “It’s spring. The time for new beginnings. A time to erase the dredges of winter and breathe in a fresh start.” I almost laugh out loud, but instead swallow down the thick lump forming in my throat. My new beginnings are pregnancy and having feelings for a woman. Not what Kate was thinking when she said fresh start. I lay back and rub at my eyes. “I’m sorry. Guess the
mono still has ahold of me. I’m tired out. Do you mind if we walk back?” I’m sure she can see how exhausted I look. Lack of sleep and zero appetite are taking a toll on me mentally and physically. “Of course.” We pick up the remains of our picnic and place it back in the basket, then walk back to the dorms in near silence. “When we get back to our room, I’m going to take a nap.” I yawn and raise my arms over my head. “I have to run to the library anyway. I’ll let you have some quiet time.” Perfect. “That would be great, thanks.” The moment Kate leaves our room, I call Karli. “What am I going to do?” I sob into the phone. I wonder if she can even understand me. “Hey, calm down. We’re going to get through this.” Every single time she says this, I believe her. “How, though? I was going to tell Kate today, about you and the baby. Everything. Then I chickened out when she went on and on about how amazing our futures were going to be.” “You can still tell her. Maybe she can help you talk to your parents.” Her voice is low, unassured. “No. No. No. Remember, we talked about this. I can’t.” My tone is sharper than I mean it to be. “I’m sorry.” She sighs heavily into the line. “I wish I was there with you.” Me too. A knot forms in my belly and I rub at the small bump forming. “I think I want to come to Weston. If the invite is still open.” “Really? Are you sure?” She’s excited. “Yes. It’s my only option. I’ll leave until the baby is born and the adoption is finalized. I can tell Kate that I’m leaving.” Even as I say it, I know it doesn’t make sense.
I’m having all sorts of best friend guilt. “She’ll tell your mother. Do you want that?” “No. Good point. I can’t tell anybody. I’ll have to disappear, but how will I get to you?” My thoughts are racing and my hands are clammy and wet. I nearly drop the phone. “Kyle is in the Bluff right now visiting his sick grandmother. He’s coming back tomorrow. If you want to disappear, you have a way.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. This could happen. I could leave and come back after I give birth. “How would it work?” “I don’t know. We have enough time to come up with something, though.” She’s trying to calm me, but it isn’t working. “I have to pack if he’s leaving tomorrow.” What am I going to bring? Maybe I made a mistake coming off my medication. It’s hard to think straight. “That’s not a good idea. You should leave your dorm room and not go back. Tell Kate you’re going over to River’s or something. She won’t suspect anything. Then you can meet Kyle somewhere and he can drive you here.” She’s speaking faster now. “He’ll do this for us?” Just a few months ago, I couldn’t stand the sight of Kyle Powers, and now I’m asking him to help me escape my life. “He owes me, big time. He got a girl pregnant here, first semester. Neither of them had the cash, so I lent it to him and even drove the girl to her appointment for the abortion. He never wanted anyone to know. He will do this for us. I’ll talk to him when we get off the phone.” Exhilaration and self-loathing tug at me all at the same time. Can I actually go through with this? Can I leave everyone behind? My mother, Kate, and River? And not
tell any of them where I’m going or what I’m doing? I’m protecting them all from this mess, that’s what I’m doing. They would all thank me if they knew. Yes, this is what I have to do. “Yes, set it up with him.” “Okay. We’re doing this.” It’s not lost on me that she said “we.” She has my back and I am forever grateful for it. “I’ll see you soon.” *** I’ve thrown up three times in the last hour. I got no sleep last night, but my plan is in action. I’m leaving tonight with Kyle to go to Weston and stay with Karli until my baby is born. My heart is beating so fast it feels like it’s in my throat. I’m thankful Kate is distracted by studying for a test. She’s barely noticed me and my angst. I’m beginning to wonder how close we actually are anymore. Since I’m leaving without a bag, I pull on another two pairs of underwear and then put my sweatpants on. I wear a bra under my sports bra, so I have it. I’m sure Karli has clothes for me to borrow, but my own bra and panties will be nice to have. I also wear a couple t-shirts and pull my hoodie over them. I’ve always had money around. I’m never organized with it and often don’t feel like hunting around for it, so I just go to the ATM. Some in my closet; some tucked away in an old pair of jeans. I had a couple of hundreds that I took out last week to go shopping for bigger jeans and never ended up going. I went yesterday as soon as I got off the phone with Karli to take out a hundred, just enough that my parents wouldn’t think anything. I was raised in a family with old money and there was always plenty of it. Of course, I have some in my purse, but
since I don’t want to raise alarm bells, I leave a few dollars in there. I take all the rest I can find and tuck it into my sock. Just over six hundred. Not enough, but it’ll have to do. I lace up my sneakers and look around our dorm room. What else do I need? Can I grab anything else? I go to my jewelry box and slip on the sapphire ring my dad gave me for a sweet sixteen present. I should be able to make quite a bit of money if I have to pawn it. I fight back a tear and grab my ear buds. “I’m heading out for a run. I have energy all of the sudden and it sounds nice,” I tell Kate. It isn’t a lie. My heart is racing so fast I’m sure she can hear it. Looking in the mirror, I barely recognize myself. The concealer is barely hiding the dark circles and ashy skin. My eyes look vacant and red-rimmed. Thank goodness for the make-up I now wear. Without it, I am pale and gaunt. She glances at me and then back at her notes. “I wish I could go with you. I’ve got too much to do tonight, though.” “That’s okay. I don’t mind going alone. It’s a beautiful night.” I feign nonchalance and head toward the door incredibly thankful she doesn’t want to come with me. I risk one last glance around the room, taking in the familiar surroundings and Kate doing what she’s best at. Studying. “Bye.” “See ya.” She waves in my direction and doesn’t look up. I close the door and put my ear buds in. I jog out of the dorms, slowing down just past the parking lots. I’m in no shape to be running. I make my way toward the lake where Kyle is picking me up. We agreed to meet at the look out. He and I have been here before, when we
dated. That feels like a million years ago. Nobody is around. I let out a piercing scream. It’s full of fear and exhilaration. Heat flushes my cheeks. I’m really doing this? I’m going to go live with Karli, a woman I am extremely interested in, and she’s going to help me get through this. A text alert goes off on my phone. Panicked, thinking it’s Kate asking me to come back and not leave, I reach in my pocket with twitching hands. It’s Kyle. “Are you coming? I’m here.” “On my way.” No going back now. In the short time it takes me to walk to the look out, I relive the last three or four months of my life. One error in judgement has brought me to this. There’s no other way out than to run. Not for the first time, I think about ending my life. It would be easier, but that wouldn’t be fair to the baby. As selfish as I am, I wouldn’t harm an innocent child. I could hide my feelings from my father, but not the pregnancy. He wouldn’t have to know about Karli at all. But, I don’t want to be away from her. I’m leaving Bluff Harbor because my brain is telling me to hide my baby from my dad. I’m also going because my heart is telling me to go and be with my true love. Kyle’s car comes into focus. Part of me wants to run back and re-think it all. One foot in front of the other and I reach the door handle. “You ready?” Kyle looks over his shoulder, confirming no one else is around. I breathe deeply and get in the passenger seat. “Thank you for this.” “I owed Karli. A favor for a favor. Now we’re even.” He gives me a tight smile and turns the car on. He pulls out and drives toward the highway, away from Bluff Harbor.
I don’t look back.
The End If you liked this short story, here’s a link to What About Her, Book One of The Bluff Harbor Series. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Goodreads, and also visit my website.
Acknowledgements I can’t thank all of you enough for picking up my stories and giving them a chance. You’ve got so many choices! I’m humbled that you’ve chosen mine. I’d like to give a shout out to my fabulous husband for having my back. No. Matter. What. He is my biggest cheerleader, and I couldn’t do what I do without his unwavering support. To my editor, Debra L Hartmann of The Pro Book Editor. Thanks for making sure all of my words are polished and shiny. My story wouldn’t be nearly as pretty without you. Thank you so much to my beta readers, Lisa and Amabel. You guys read this over ninja-style fast, and as always, gave me your honest critique. My books are better because of you two! I wrote this short story because Willow wouldn’t leave me alone. Her story had to be told. I hope you enjoyed it. Writing it was so fun!