Broken & Damaged Love - T.L. Clark

Broken and Damaged Love By TL Clark

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Text copyright © 2015 TL Clark All Rights Reserved

Cover design by Robin Ludwig Design Inc. http://www.gobookcoverdesign.com/

Acknowledgements Many thanks to my husband for being my support, and understanding this crazy journey I’m on. You are my rock, and I love you so very much. Thanks also to my wonderful proof readers, who pick up my errors in the kindest fashion, and help me to improve. A special thank you goes out to the lovely lady who reviewed draft one of this book to check that its content struck the right notes. And finally, thanks to all my readers (and the stars you give in your reviews). You make this dream possible, and this

author very happy.

Table of Contents Introduction Chapter 1 – In the Beginning Chapter 2 – Bad News Chapter 3 – Some Nightmares are Real Chapter 4 – Brown Stuff Hits the Fan Chapter 5 - Escapism Chapter 6 – The Truth Will Out Chapter 7 – Frank’s Truth Chapter 8 – New Beginnings Chapter 9 – Attraction Chapter 10 – The Kiss

Chapter 11 – Take Two Chapter 12 – Hunger Chapter 13 – Surprises (Some Are Good, Some Are Bad) Chapter 14 – An upset Chapter 15 – Recapture Chapter 16 – A Change of Course Chapter 17 - Jubilation Chapter 18 – Tribulation and Revelation Places of Help

Introduction This is first and foremost a novel. It is not meant as a ‘how to guide’, and there are events in here which have been included for dramatic effect, and are unlikely to happen (e.g. the events of Chapter 14). All the events, people and places in this book are completely fictitious. The only exception to this is the hotel in Crete, who have given their permission for inclusion. Clearly, the events which take place there are still fictitious, as they happen to people who are not real. I am here as your guide. Those who have been abused in this lifetime, please know I am with you on this journey and

will hold your hand, metaphorically speaking. I will keep you safe as you read on; you have nothing to fear. It is just a book. Sometimes, by hearing someone else’s experiences you can learn that regrettably, you are not alone in this. You are a survivor, and there is so much help out there, all you need to do is ask for it. Let me give you hope. Please know you can overcome your difficulties. I have named the chapters, so if you’re sensitive to certain bits/have triggers you should at least have a warning and the option to avoid the

parts you really can’t face yet (e.g. Chapter 3). For everyone else, let me show you this world of tortured souls, so perhaps you can spot the signs, and maybe even help prevent this from happening. Should you wish to read just the nice romance bits I suggest you hop straight in at chapter 4. It’s probably a good starting point. Word of caution; I have written the abuser in such a way as to spark a reaction. I state clearly now it is not my intent to sympathise with abusers. But it was important for me to illustrate how they can appear to be ‘normal’ to

the outside world. What happens behind closed doors can be oh so different from the person you thought you knew. Before I sound like I’m preaching, or indeed before I lose your attention let me begin this tale.

Chapter 1 – In the Beginning I feel like this book should start with “in a dark dark house, in a dark dark street, on a dark dark night, where cockroaches loomed in intrusions,” but it doesn’t. In fact it starts in a fairly ordinary town in Britain. But let’s face it, this could happen pretty much anywhere. Let me introduce you to Dean. He was a confident young man of average height, average build, with bright brown eyes and there was a swagger in his walk.

His soft brown hair was flopping into his eyes as he strode into the bar, his friends following closely at his heels. He worked hard and he played hard. At twenty-three he was already what could be considered successful. He had graduated university and landed himself a good job as an IT consultant. He was earning good money and his friends flocked around him, knowing he would always buy the drinks. They walked into that bar like a pack of wolves on the prowl. Their track records were good when it

came to scoring. All five of them were moderately good looking, but their charisma had them carrying the edge in the charm stakes. They made their way to the front of the queue like they owned the place; it was their local and they knew they’d get served quickly. Pints in hand they sauntered over to their regular table, near the door where they could scout the talent coming in. The group were laughing and joking together when a small group of girls walked in, clearly already merry. They

guys waited for the girls to get their drinks. Just as they were scanning the crowded room for seats the lads made their move. “There’s room here,” Dean called over to them, patting the seat next to him. The girls looked at each other, and realising there were no other options, shrugged and headed over. “Reel them in boys!” he said in a hushed tone to his mates, grinning smugly. The girls settled themselves down but one was left standing. “Why don’t you make yourself comfy

right here?” Dean asked with a wink, indicating his lap. “Because I don’t even know you,” came the indignant response. Being a nurse, Deborah was chatted up on a regular basis, and had learned to become guarded with her interactions of the opposite sex. “Fair enough,” Dean said as he stood so the girl could sit in his spot. He made sure he brushed close to her body in the process though. “Thanks. I’m Deborah by the way.”

“Hi Deborah, I’m Dean,” he said with his most charming smile. He knew his grin gave him dimples, and many girls had told him how cute they were. He leaned against the wall as he gazed down at Deborah’s green eyes. Naturally, they weren’t the first thing he’d noticed. He’d already seen the wiggle in her walk that went all the way up to her bum as she had walked in. But her eyes were captivating, especially when combined with the redness of her hair. Introductions made, the group all drank

and laughed together. The boys learned that the whole group of girls were nurses. There was a vague thought at the back of Dean’s mind which he couldn’t quite latch onto, but it was there in the background; he subconsciously thought how nice it would be for someone to care for him. As the night wore on Deborah relaxed her inhibitions as she consumed more alcohol. And as Dean seemed nice and she felt sorry for him standing she offered him his place back. Bingo; he loved it when this worked. He took his

seat but grabbed onto Deborah’s waist as he did so and pulled her down with him. She fell on his lap laughing. “See, there’s room for two after all,” Dean chuckled. His face was really close to hers, and she was drawn in by his brown eyes which were sparkling with flecks of amber. They were simply mesmerising. She couldn’t quite place his aftershave but it was sweet and woody, and wafted through her senses, igniting some basic instinct deep within her. But part of her felt she should stay away from him.

There was something unnerving about him. However, she decided it was OK to stay sitting in his lap. She could hear him better this way anyway. And his voice was soft and sultry. Dean lowered his voice to a husky whisper as he softly scooped some of her curls out of the way, so he could bring his mouth tantalisingly close to her ear. “Do you know how gorgeous you are?” His words travelled straight down

Deborah’s ear and made a beeline to her lady parts, warming them in an instant. Shivers ran up her spine as he continued his sweet whispers, making her bite down on her lower lip. With his thumb he directed her chin down so he could reach her mouth. He hesitated as his lips were almost on hers. She could feel the warmth of his breath as her own hitched. His eyes were locked on hers as he ever so slightly tilted his chin a little closer. She couldn’t wait any longer, and

Deborah found herself bringing her mouth the rest of the way to kiss him. She passed her lips over his in one long stroke. His lips were surprisingly soft. She paused but her decision was quickly made; she wanted more. Their lips merged once more. Dean drew his head back and opened his mouth and took a deep breath in, making her do likewise. He took the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth, delicately at first. She could taste the beer from earlier; it was sweet and full of hops.

His hand began travelling up her side, but she brushed it away as he tried to grope her breasts. Encouraged that she didn’t break away from the kiss he obediently let his hand fall back down to her waist, but pulled so he could feel her against him. She also felt his erection underneath her. She broke away then, and opened her eyes that had closed in amidst the passionate embrace. “I’m sorry.” she gasped. “Sorry?”

“I don’t know what came over me. I’m not normally like this.” “But you are right now.” “No. No I’m not.” She made a move to stand up but he gripped on. “It’s OK. I won’t force you to do anything.” His hopes were getting dashed though. It had been a while since someone said no. “I’ve…I’ve got to go.” Deborah succeeded in standing this time. He held her hand as he spoke. “Please

don’t go like this.” His eyes were set to full on ‘puppy dog’. The injured look helped soften Deborah’s resolve a little. “I just don’t want to give you the wrong idea about me. I’m not that sort of girl.” Some of her friends were already starting to leave with his friends. “Hey bud. You coming with us?” Dean’s friend Gary asked him as he grabbed his keys with a girl pressed against him.

Dean looked at Deborah, but she shook her head. Why did he have to pick the one that wasn’t easy? Inwardly he cursed, but tried to put a smile on his face as he dismissed his friend. The group dispersed, but one of her girl friends remained with her. Three’s a crowd as they say, so Dean was forced to sit there and talk sociably. He hated small talk, it just made him feel awkward. And he was sulking now it was clear he wasn’t going to get what he wanted. Finally the girls went to leave.

“Well, it was really nice meeting you Dean,” Deborah smiled at him as she stood. “Yeah. Nice meeting you too. Would you like to do it again sometime?” The words were out of his mouth before he could think. He shocked himself. Normally a no was a no and he’d chalk it up to experience and move on. But he found himself actually wanting to see this girl again. She was certainly pretty and perky. She was so… youthful. He disliked how needy he’d sounded. But she said yes, and they

exchanged numbers. Once the girls left Dean sloped off towards his own flat. It wasn’t a massive place, but it served his purposes well. He slumped in a chair and opened a can of beer. He had drunk a lot tonight already, but he needed something. He was still in shock after asking that girl out. He didn’t do dates. His life had become a stream of one night stands. Girlfriends started making demands on a man, and got all needy. They were expensive too. He was happy with the

way things were. He must be out of his mind. But there was something about Deborah that drew him in. Of course, his mates had teased him mercilessly once they found out about his planned date. Most of them had the same ethos, and those that did date didn’t have long term relationships. All of them were surprised the great Dino was dating. He shrugged it off as not meaning anything, stating, “I just want to see if she’ll ever put out.” Nonetheless, he stood at Deborah’s door on the night of their date, dressed in

a smart shirt and black chinos. He refused to wear a tie though. His breath caught as she opened the door. She looked even more beautiful than he remembered, with her long soft curls falling around her shoulders, and her figure was hugged by a slinky dress. “Hi. Are you ready?” he asked redundantly, but he didn’t know what else to say. Telling her she looked beautiful felt too corny. She nodded at him, and stepped forward, closing the door behind her.

They made their way to his car, but he didn’t hold the door open for her. He let her fend for herself. But Deborah was relieved, she hated it when creeps did that. It’s not like she was incapable of opening her own door. They got to the restaurant, and she was happy to see it wasn’t overly fancy, but a nice simple pub restaurant. She was even happier when he ordered a mixed grill; good, honest, simple food. She ordered the same, never having been one to starve herself on salads. It was difficult to talk whilst they ate,

they were both happy munching on their food. Her nursing job wasn’t really dinner conversation as it could get quite gory in A&E. Likewise, Dean found his IT job difficult to discuss, but mainly because people thought it was boring. They had some cursory conversation as they were waiting for their order, but it was stilted. As they waited for dessert they both realised they were as awkward as each other, and oddly that helped them relax, and they managed to make a joke about

it. “I’m sorry,” Dean apologised, “but most women hate me talking about computers. And if I start talking about Star Wars they get up and leave.” “No way, you like Star Wars too?” “Well, really only episodes four to six. The new ones really aren’t right.” They fell into discussing the pros and cons of each of the films. It was so refreshing to talk to a girl who understood this stuff. She also shared his

love of computer games, and challenged him to a battle. After dinner Dean drove Deborah back to her place, and hesitated at the doorway. “Thanks. I had a really good time tonight,” she dismissed, but once again got caught in his glare. “Yeah, I did too,” he replied in a gravelly voice, with eyes narrowing. He stepped closer and noticed how her body responded to him. Without waiting for consent his lips were on hers,

devouring her. He’d lost all control and simply couldn’t contain himself, he wanted this woman heart, body and soul. She stirred feelings in him he didn’t know existed. Although she responded warmly, and she welcomed the kiss Deborah still broke it off. “I’m sorry, I’m just not ready. Please can we take this slowly?” she asked, feeling awkward. The truth was she’d been hurt in the past by guys who abandoned her as soon as they ‘got what they wanted’.

“Sure,” Dean coughed and stepped back, “So, I’ll see you around?” She promised to phone him as soon as she was next on day shifts so they could follow through on the gaming challenge. Dean couldn’t believe he was still prepared to wait. He’d given her a second chance and he’d still not been admitted in to her bedroom, but here he was in unchartered territory, prepared to try again. And it wasn’t just about the sex he wasn’t having yet. His heart strings were being tugged. She actually liked the same

things he did, looked stunning and was a really good person. Was…was he falling in love? Wasn’t that just some foolish girly notion? It seemed like an eternity before he saw Deborah again. He’d been out with his mates, but refused to chat anyone else up. His friends taunted him about being in love and having a girlfriend. Frankly, he saw it as childish behaviour, and shrugged it off. When they persisted he told them to fuck off and stormed out. By the time he got to his flat he was

wondering what the hell was happening to him. But it all disappeared when his phone rang, and Deborah fixed a challenge date. Dean picked Deborah up straight from her day shift, and he was more than pleased to see she’d not even changed out of her uniform yet; what a fantasy come true. She caught him leering and scolded him, “Oh please, real nurse’s uniforms really aren’t sexy.” “In your opinion. I happen to disagree,” he winked as he drove them

to his flat. He’d bought plenty of snacks and beer to sustain them. Deborah started with a coffee though, feeling really tired from her shift. “You know you already have an unfair advantage? I’ve only just come off shift,” she remarked. “What? I’ve not been working all day too?” OK, he had her there. But his shift hadn’t been as long as hers, and he’d been sitting down where she’d been

rushing around on her feet for twelve hours. They sat down for some serious gaming, and he was pleasantly surprised to see how good she was. She was actually in danger of beating him. This was something practically unheard of. Hours passed by and the pair barely noticed. At the end of their tournament Deborah came out as the victor. She pranced around, doing a victory dance, and called Dean a loser. That really hurt his pride, and he was on the verge of really blowing a fuse.

She noticed just in time and dialled down the bragging, and knelt down in front of him as he remained in his gaming chair. “Wow, you’re a really bad loser, aren’t you?” she mocked. “I’m just not used to it,” he huffed. She knelt in further so she could peck him on his lips. “Mmmm…but I could get used to it, if that’s my consolation prize,” he smirked. Deborah wasn’t sure if it was the heady rush of winning or whether it was

the influence of all the beer that she’d managed to drink whilst playing, but she suddenly felt like consoling this man-boy in front of her. She’d never done anything like this before, but she tugged on his jeans zipper, and encouraged him to wriggle so his jeans slipped down. She was a nurse so was used to seeing men’s penises, but she hadn’t expected his to pop out straight away. He wasn’t wearing any underwear and he was fully erect. She hungrily licked her lips as she

glared at his tip. She lowered her head, and tentatively licked the length of his shaft. She heard his sharp intake of breath as it hissed in between his clenched teeth. “OK?” she checked, worried she may have done something wrong. “Oh yeah,” he groaned. She licked again, making him groan more. She swirled her tongue around his swollen head, before taking it into her mouth and gently sucking. She held him in her hand as she began

sucking his tip in and out of her mouth. Her hand also started moving. “Stop, stop,” he cried. She did so immediately, and looked at him quizzically. “I’m going to come if you keep doing that,” he explained. “Unless you don’t want me inside of you?” “I want you,” she confessed. “No, leave it on.” Dean told her as she started to take her uniform off. She’d not even bothered to get changed.

“Seriously?” “Please.” So she merely removed her tights and thong. Dean did unbutton the top of her uniform though so he could glimpse her breasts, which were small and white. He grabbed her hand and pulled her down to straddle him. He guided his aching cock straight inside her, making her moan. She hadn’t realised just quite how much she’d wanted this until now. It felt so right having him there.

With his help, she rode him, making the gaming chair rock with them. She came almost instantly, making Dean lose all self-restraint, as he truly filled her. He held her body close, wanting to feel her warmth as he climbed back down. Weirdly, he didn’t want her to leave as soon as he finished. Deborah went to take a shower, and pinched his bathrobe when she was done. She’d left her bag with her change of clothes in in his car. She’d chucked it on the backseat as she’d got in and forgotten to pick it up. She explained this

to Dean as a means of apology for wearing his stuff. It went way outside his normal comfort zone, but he was OK with this. It was quite nice to see her wearing his robe. He did chuck on some clothes so he could go and fetch her bag though, just so she could get changed when she was ready. It was cold and dark outside so he made the trip as quickly as he could. By the time he got back she’d found one of his DVDs and had put it in the player. He settled down next to her, and they

drank yet more beer and ate more crisps as they watched. It was really late by the time the film finished. “Do…do you want to stay the night?” Dean asked hesitantly. Deborah nodded shyly that she would. Well, she’d already had sex, despite having promised herself she wouldn’t yet. Her ex had run out on her as soon as she’d given him what he wanted. And the impression she’d first got from Dean had suggested he was just the same. But she wasn’t sure now.

Maybe she’d judged him unfairly? They were both naked as they got into bed, but they were too drunk and exhausted to do anything about it. They both fell asleep almost as soon as their heads hit the pillows. Dean woke up first the next morning, and stared in wonder at the gorgeous woman in his bed. This was a definite first. But it was a good one. A ray of light was peeking through the curtains, and was shining on her hair, fanned out like a flame against his crisp white cotton pillow.

He was rewarded further when she opened her eyes, and they glimmered like emeralds at him. She blinked several times before she slowly realised where she was. She smiled as she saw him gazing at her. “Good morning,” he greeted. “Morning,” she said sleepily, rolling onto her back. “Would you do something for me?” “It depends on what it is.” “Shave.” “Shave?”

“Or wax. Brazilians are all the rage. Or you could get a Hollywood, that’d be really sexy.” Always up for a challenge Deborah agreed. She figured it would be easier being hairless anyway. It somehow seemed more hygienic. She wriggled as he sidled up to her and kissed her firmly on her mouth. Her lips gave way, allowing his tongue to slip inside. One of his hands wandered down her body, stroking deeply as he pushed it down to her nether regions, where he let

his fingers slide up and down her moist slit. Her body zinged with electricity as she deepened the kiss. Their mouths meshed making her melt into him more. Her legs fell open, and it was the matter of a moment for Dean to place his body there. “I need you,” he gasped. Seeing her nod he launched himself inside her. The relief of being there flooded his system with a joy he’d never known.

She felt it too, and her hips started moving to meet his. She gripped onto his behind to draw him in more. She needed more. She needed him. He pumped into her furiously. Her back arched and her teeth clenched as her orgasm ripped through her with a ferocity she didn’t know she had. It exploded through her whole being like dynamite. Her muscles constricted around him so tightly it made him climax too. “Well, that was quick,” he chuckled, slightly embarrassed.

But that was them; straight to the point, no nonsense kind of people. It was perfect. Dean couldn’t get enough of this wonderful woman. They met up as often as their work lives would allow. Dean stopped going out with his mates, much to their disgust. They ridiculed him for being under the thumb, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to be with Deborah. She made him feel alive. She was meant for him. If his friends couldn’t see that then he pitied them for not having this

much happiness in their lives. Alarmingly, Dean proposed just shy of their two month anniversary. He never thought he’d get married; not ever. But Deborah had exploded into his life and turned all that on its head. He couldn’t live without her. They were married by the time the six month rabbit sex season was up. It was the most impetuous thing either of them had ever done. Both were analytical types that liked to carefully consider decisions, but this was out of their control. Their souls cried out to each

other and they merely had to obey. Gary just about managed to be best man, even though he couldn’t fully support one of the group getting married. But he did have to admit how happy Dean seemed, so he went along with it. Deborah’s friends were all more than happy for her, and livened up the wedding reception, especially when the DJ started up. They danced boisterously, and pulled any man they could get their hands on. The few mates of Dean’s that did turn up were happy to oblige. It practically

turned into an orgy, but the happy couple barely noticed. They only had eyes for each other. Dean couldn’t wait to get Deborah up to their hotel room and tear the wedding dress away from her limbs. They left the party early, but nobody noticed. He ravaged her that night like a thing possessed. She was his, and he wanted, no needed to claim her with his body. Their orgasms that night were like a long drink of water to someone dying of thirst in the desert.

The dress lay in tatters on the floor where Dean had left it, having gotten impatient with the buttons he’d resorted to ripping the flimsy fabric so he could get to his prize. Their teeth had clashed together, and their bodies had collided in an assault of passion that threatened to overwhelm them both. They both woke up brimming with happiness in the morning, filled with a sense of pride at having done it, of having taken the plunge and got married. It felt like they’d really achieved

something. But they’d achieved more than they bargained for. They’d been so caught up in their honeymoon and the ensuing happy weeks that it took a while for Deborah to notice she was overdue. She took a test as soon as she realised. It confirmed her suspicions; she was pregnant.

Chapter 2 – Bad News Dean wasn’t exactly thrilled when Deborah told him the news. “What? You’re pregnant? You stupid cow, how could you let this happen?” were his exact words. Like the tide before a tsunami, all the blood drained away from his face, leaving him white with shock. Then in a rush it flooded back in a shade of beetroot red as his rage overtook him. “Me? Why’s this all my fault? Last time I checked it took two to make a baby.” “Yeah, but you told me you were on the pill. You lying bitch!” “How dare you? I am on the pill. I told

you to use protection too, but you refused. Dino is too great to wear a condom. It lessens the feeling. Remember? I can’t help it if I had a tummy upset. It must’ve affected the pill.” “Just what the fuck are we going to do? We’ll need to move for a start.” “Do you think I’ve not thought about that too?” Deborah let her voice fall. “I know this is really bad timing. My career’s just starting, but now I’m going to have to take time out. But we were going to have a family eventually, weren’t we?” Dean wasn’t so sure about that. He’d barely got his head around getting married. And now he was going to be a

father. This was all happening much too quickly. He felt dizzy. He sat down before he fell down, and bent his head, raking his hands through his hair. “This is so fucked up,” he breathed out. His hands came forward and washed over his face. “I’m sorry, Dean.” Deborah looked so forlorn that all his anger got swept away. “No, I’m sorry. I’m just shocked.” he said, pulling her towards him for a hug. “Aren’t you even a little bit pleased?” “Yeah, I guess. We just have a lot to think about.” Deborah hadn’t expected Dean to be pleased. She wasn’t exactly over the

moon herself. She was worried about what being a mum would do to her career. She’d worked hard to get where she was, and now she was going to have to take maternity leave. She’d seen other women do the same, and few made it back full-time; the job was just too demanding. She was angry at herself for not having been more careful, and for not insisting Dean used protection. She was fully aware that illness can affect the pill’s efficacy, but she’d just not thought about it at the time. She felt stupid and scared, and Dean didn’t look like he was going to be of much comfort. She braced herself for having to rely on herself.

Fortunately Dean hadn’t pissed away all his money, and once he sold his flat he had enough for a deposit on a house. Deborah insisted they buy a house that was in a nice area, which meant stretching his budget. It meant going from comfortably well off to struggling a bit. He knew it would really stretch him when the baby was born. Babies were expensive things. It’s why he’d not really been planning on having a family any time soon, if ever. What a mess. Deborah was really happy with her house, and got Dean to start redecorating as soon as they moved in. They painted the nursery lemon, with Beatrix Potter pictures and accessories.

She invited her friends round to see, and they all made the appropriate approval noises. They all thought she was very lucky, she’d really landed on her feet. A few of them were really quite envious. The months wore on, and Deborah got ‘fat’. Dean stopped having sex with her as he was “afraid the fucking would hurt the baby”. There was no amount of telling him otherwise that would change his mind. He hadn’t welcomed the news, but he was already feeling protective. He wanted to be a good dad. He wouldn’t run out on his responsibilities like his own father had done. No, if he was having to do this he’d do it right.

Deborah’s mood swings increased as her pregnancy progressed. Dean didn’t know how to cope any more. He withdrew more and more, trying to keep his head low so his wife wouldn’t bite it off. It didn’t seem to matter what he did, it was never good enough. He started staying late at work when she went on maternity leave, just to avoid being at home. Besides, the overtime pay was going to come in handy. Deborah wanted the best of everything, and didn’t seem to grasp the concept of budgets. She’d been spoiled as a child, and simply didn’t understand why her baby should go without. Yep, this was going to be expensive. Dean’s stomach

tied itself in knots every time he thought about it. Deborah felt increasingly isolated as her friends started drifting away. It was as if this baby was creating a rift between them. Becoming a mum made her different from them. Her friends saw she wouldn’t be able to go out with them anymore and started to lose interest in her. As she found herself on her own more and more her desperation also grew. What was she going to do? It was early afternoon when he got the phone call. “Dean, you need to get home right now. The baby’s coming, and I’m not doing this on my own.” “Of course, I’ll be home soon. Just stay right there.”

He hung up immediately, so didn’t hear her say, “Where the hell else do you think I’m going?” It was probably just as well, as he may have been tempted not to go to her aid. He excused himself from work with his boss and dashed home. Deborah was waiting with her bag in hand. “About bloody time,” she huffed as she waddled to the car. He knew it was wrong, but when a contraction made her double over and wince, he was sort of pleased she was in pain. ‘Serves her right,’ he thought, ‘the bloody cow never gives me a break.’ “Oww, Jesus. Dean, mind the bumps,” she barked as they drove over a pothole. He swore under his breath and carried

on driving. He really hoped she’d calm the fuck down once this baby was born. Dean dutifully stayed with his wife for all twelve hours of labour. It was horrendous. He never knew a human could be in so much pain and still live. He’d attended a few antenatal classes, and tried to guide Deborah through, but firstly she ignored most of what he said, and secondly he just felt nauseous. His wife was covered in sweat, screaming out in agony, and then he made the mistake of looking as the baby’s head was crowning. Holy fuck, he was never touching that area again. How was she doing that? It was so unnatural, he thought. The midwife saw how pale he looked

and pointed him towards a chair and water. “Lot of bloody good you are,” Deborah admonished. “I’m the one in friggin’ pain here, but just put your feet up why don’t….yooooouuuhhhh.” She was fortunately cut off by another contraction. Finally the ordeal was over, and a shrivelled pink baby was placed in Deborah’s arms. Her face lit up as she cooed over her baby girl. Dean wandered over and reached his finger out to his brand new daughter, and she grabbed on to it. His heart melted in a huge puddle. That was it. That was the moment he became a daddy. He fell head over heels in love with his little girl as

she gurgled and wriggled in her mummy’s arms. “Hello beautiful,” he smiled at her. His heart was bursting with love so much that it spilled out of his eyes. Deborah noticed the tears, but didn’t say anything as her own were threatening to overwhelm her. Dean leaned over and kissed his wife. “I am so in awe of you, you did it. You gave birth to our beautiful baby girl. ” At that Deborah broke down in sobs so much Dean had to take the baby out of her arms. He laid her down in the cot, and perched on the side of the bed so he could hug his wife. “Hey, what’s the tears for?”

“I don’t know. I just love you,” she said between sobs. “I’m so happy!” Dean drove home with a huge sigh of relief. There was a sign his wife was finally happy, and when she came home with their baby he had high hopes that his life was going to be much better now. He went straight to bed when he got in. He only managed three hours of sleep before he had to get up and go to work. He then drove straight back to the hospital to collect his family. But as soon as she walked in through the front door Deborah started moaning how he hadn’t put up banners and balloons to welcome the baby home. Dean tried explaining he hadn’t had time, but she wouldn’t listen to reason.

“You clearly don’t care your daughter’s just been born. Otherwise you would have made the place look nice for her.” She was close to tears again. “Why don’t you go and sit down? I’ll put Tina in her cot and make you a nice cup of tea, eh?” “No, she’s not going anywhere. She’s asleep in her carrycot, I’ll keep her here with me. But you can make me a tea.” Dean sloped off, his bubble burst. Well, it was too much to hope for, really. She’d never been like this before she got pregnant. What had he done? Baby Tina started crying, so she was back in her mum’s arms by the time he returned with the tea. And of course, then that was wrong. He should have

brought down her changing things instead. Deborah called him useless as he wandered upstairs to fetch the required items. Dean felt dreadful. He was awake half the night helping with the night feeds, despite Deborah insisting on breast feeding. It made him a bit of a third wheel but she managed to wake him up every time so ‘he could help’. He went to work, feeling beyond tired. He found it increasingly difficult to concentrate on his job. But then he went home to a wife who informed him of all the things he’d not done. ‘I’m in hell,’ he thought to himself, dismally, ‘I’ve actually died and have been sent to hell!’ Things didn’t improve much for a

while. Deborah eventually found a pattern, and Tina started sleeping through the night longer, which helped. But Dean still thought he was going to collapse from the pressure that was still placed on his shoulders. Deborah insisted on throwing an elaborate first birthday for Tina. Dean tried to point out she wouldn’t know, but it fell on deaf ears. She had new mummy friends from the baby and toddler group to impress. But through it all Tina kept him going. He couldn’t believe he had a hand in creating something so beautiful. And despite having a bitch for a mother she managed to be a very happy baby. She clearly loved her daddy, and

would giggle when he played with her. It was yet another thing that aggravated Deborah; she thought Tina loved him more than her. Their marriage was at breaking point, but he tried to keep it together for the sake of his little girl. She was growing so quickly, and he didn’t want to miss a thing. For her sake he tried to ignore his wife’s rebukes. As you can imagine, their love life was non-existent. Where once there’d been a hotbed of sex, there was now a cold bed of ice. Deborah was always tired, as was Dean, and she always seemed disappointed in him, so he stopped asking for sex at all. Things started to improve once Tina

was toddling. Deborah had refused to go back to work. She decided the cost of childcare would outweigh her wages, and she wanted to be with her baby anyway. She had cheered up a little once she’d got her way on that. And they even managed to get away for a family holiday that summer. They went down to Cornwall, and enjoyed some sun and sand. Tina was adorable in her little swimsuit and sunhat as she played in the sand and was dangled in the sea. Deborah relaxed and they actually had a good time. It was a very welcome respite from all the stress. All too soon his little girl started school. Deborah still wanted to stay at

home so she could do the school run, as Tina was only at school part time to start with. Then when she started full time Deborah decided it would be too awkward with nurses’ hours to do the school run still, so remained a housewife. If she was completely honest, Deborah knew she’d been away too long and would have to start at the bottom and put in extra effort to earn respect back. She just couldn’t face going through all of that again. However, all this changed when Tina was about six years old. She’d been such a happy little girl. She was shy around others, but happy in her solitude.

But her family was about to be given one more challenge. Dean drove home in a daze. What the hell was he going to tell his family? He was being made redundant. The dot com bubble had burst and there was a freefor-all to get the precious few remaining jobs. He gulped, took deep breaths and plucked up the courage to tell his wife. “Oh that’s just great. What did you say to them?” she grumbled. “What is there to say? There’s no arguing. They are making me redundant. End of.” “So that’s it? You’re just going to give up?” “What would you have me do?”

“I don’t know. You’re the genius. Come up with something.” “I’ve already started to look for other jobs.” By the time they finished arguing Dean felt even worse. He actually thought about ending his life. He seemed to be such a failure and disappointment to Deborah, maybe she’d be better off without him? But Tina wandered in and a spark lit up his heart’s flame again, and he knew he had to find a way to carry on. He tried. He tried so hard to get another job, but his last day at work came and went and he’d not had so much as an interview. The redundancy money wouldn’t last

long and he started to panic. Another month went by. He had one interview but nothing came of it. Then another month. He had to go crawling to the unemployment office and put in a claim for benefits. Despite his life with Deborah, this was the most degrading thing he’d ever done. The people in the unemployment centre made him feel like a criminal. They were so hardened by the vast numbers of serial claimants that this genuine jobseeker didn’t get shown any sympathy or kindness. They shoved forms at him which he completed, and they proceeded to grill him on which jobs he’d applied for, and what methods of job seeking he was

using. They didn’t have any jobs available which would suit his talents, and he couldn’t face the menial offerings they did suggest. Not yet. “Looks like I’ll have to go to work then,” Deborah moaned at Dean when he got back home. “Sorry love. Maybe. Just until something comes up.” “Have you gone for anything else?” “What else am I qualified to do?” “Anyone can push shopping trolleys for Tesco, Dean!” “Yes, but it wouldn’t pay the mortgage, dear,” he said through gritted teeth. “Well, you can’t just slob around here all day.”

He managed not to point out that’s exactly what she did. So Deborah went back into nursing. She hated the fact she had to go back to work, and resented both the job and her husband. But she had no choice. As Deborah had so many odd shifts, Dean became the dad at the school gates. The mums smiled at him, but their eyes dismissed him as odd. His self-esteem was at an all-time low. The selfconfident, cocky young man was a long and distant memory. He was a completely different person now. If it weren’t for having to get Tina ready for school he probably wouldn’t bother getting out of bed all day. He barely bothered to shave and dress as it was.

When Deborah was working a day shift Dean found himself back at home alone. He quickly washed up the breakfast dishes and wandered through the house. His feet took him upstairs to the bedroom. He caught his reflection in the mirror as he walked past and didn’t recognise himself. He was so tired he let himself collapse down at the bed. He stared up at the ceiling and let tears fall down his face to his ears. There was nobody else around to tell him how pathetic he was, so he let himself feel his pain. What had he become? He had thought he was in love, but Deborah had changed so much. He still loved her and hoped he’d get the fun loving girl back, but that hope was

diminishing every day. She barely spoke to him these days, unless it was to point out a problem. Before he was fully aware what he was doing, his hand found its way down his jogging bottoms. That felt good. His hand stroked his cock smoothly. Yes, that felt very good. A warm feeling of comfort surrounded him. He shoved his jogging bottoms down so he could get a better grip. His hand moved faster, making his leg muscles clench. Excitement licked its way through his body. Oh God, that felt so good. He closed his eyes as his hand worked faster and faster until he groaned out loudly as the shockwaves of his orgasm shot through and out of him.

“Fuck!” he’d spunked on the bed. He smirked as he realised it was on ‘her’ side. He quickly got a cloth to clean it up before lying back down. He actually felt much better for the release. It started to become a regular habit of his when he was at home alone. Maybe that was why Deborah was so upset at having to work? Maybe she’d been pleasuring herself instead of being with him? It would be just like her. Well, she had no option now. But she did have an option. They managed a quick tangle in the sheets less than once a month. She was exhausted from working and hated missing out on so much of Tina’s life. It was more like twice a year. And Dean was frustrated.

His wanking sessions helped, but he wanted more. Deborah was working a night shift when Dean walked past his daughter’s room. He popped his head in to check she was sleeping soundly. She was. It was a hot night and she’d kicked off her covers. Her nightie was hitched up and her knees were bent. Then he saw it. His daughter’s naked vagina was on full display. It was so smooth, and innocence flowed off her in waves. He felt drawn to her, and wanted to reach out and touch it, just to feel what pure love and innocence felt like. He wanted to know. He bit into his bottom lip and his arm reached up, but his feet weren’t moving.

Tina rolled over in her sleep breaking his spell. He shook his head and ran out of her room. Fuck, what was he thinking? He went and had a shower to clean himself, but the image of her kept coming back into his head. It haunted him. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. When he was alone the next day he was still thinking about that image when his hand went to his cock. It throbbed painfully, begging for release. He obliged as he was still thinking of being able to be touch Tina. He cried as he came, ashamed of the thoughts that plagued him. He tried to supplant the image with others. The next day he went online and

looked at images of supposed schoolgirls. He got off on it, but it wasn’t the same. He managed to find a site of proper young girls and bingo that was it. That’s what he wanted. But he knew it was still Tina that he really wanted; his. She was his own.

Chapter 3 – Some Nightmares are Real *If you have triggers or are in any way squeamish about abuse then please skip this chapter. Bad stuff is about to happen.* Dean was obsessed with the idea, with the thought of touching Tina. It started with touches as he bathed her. This slowly progressed further, but all the time it was subtle and he increased the activity level carefully so she wouldn’t notice. Then the opportunity arose. Deborah was back on a night shift, and Tina was in bed. He was at her doorway when she

woke up crying. He went running up to her. “There there sweetheart, what’s wrong?” he asked with concern. “There were monsters, daddy,” she cried. He scooped her into a hug. “I was just about to go to bed. Why don’t you come in with me?” She nodded and he carried her through. He laid down on the bed, with Tina next to him. She was still crying a little. He reached a hand round and down, and stroked her private parts. His erection was kicking wildly but fortunately there was enough distance between them for

her not to be able to feel it. Not that she’d understand what it meant if she did anyway. With his ‘comforting touch’ her cries subsided. When she was sleeping soundly he crept into the en-suite and relieved his aching balls. He couldn’t believe she hadn’t flinched at his touch. This was going to work. He carefully slid into bed next to his daughter again, feeling like he’d been given a precious gift. Deborah came home in the small hours. “What’s she doing in our bed?” she asked in an angry whisper. “She had a nightmare,” he whispered back. “I blame Hermione. They watched a scary movie together, and now Tina’s

scared there’s vampires in her room. I don’t think she should go round her house any more if her parents can’t be more careful about what the girls watch.” “Fine. I’ll talk to them,” she grunted. “No. I’ll have a word with her mother when I see her at school tomorrow.” Too tired to do anything else, and glad Dean was doing something constructive she stripped and got into bed too. Dean had his back to her but was smiling at how easily he could lie and get away with it. Dean was a patient man, and took things very slowly. He didn’t want to risk messing up. This was too important. He started by offering his touch as

comfort only. Tina got accustomed to it soon enough, to the point when she preferred it over any other comforting action. One night she woke up crying because of another nightmare (she had them fairly often). Her mum was home that night and went in to help, but nothing she did seemed to calm her daughter. She stomped back into the bedroom, “I can’t do anything, you try,” she hissed at Dean. He went to Tina’s bedroom and spoke soothing words to Tina, loud enough for his wife to hear from their room, but reached his hands to stroke Tina under the covers. Her sobs receded, and she was soon calm. “Why the hell didn’t she listen to me

like that?” Deborah huffed. “Maybe because she’s more used to me? You’re hardly ever here, Deborah,” he bit back. That hurt. Deborah had no words of retaliation, she felt bad for having to work so much. Of course, she blamed Dean for that, but it didn’t stop her pain. It only worsened when Tina herself asked her mum the next morning, “Mummy, why don’t you comfort me like daddy does?” “Because I’m never here apparently,” was Deborah’s answer as she ran out the room to hide her tears. She had no way of knowing what Tina was really asking her.

Dean was able to back up his lies to Tina like this, and his daughter had no reason to doubt her daddy, whom she loved very much. One day when they were on their own Dean sat Tina on his lap in front of the computer. “Look Tina, these daddies all love their daughters very much too. And they’re so proud of them that they share their pictures with each other. I’ve told them all about you and they said they want to see if it’s true about how pretty you are.” He was of course, talking about the site he’d got involved in, which featured naked pictures of young children. If he was to continue gaining access he had to

post a certain number of pictures too. “There’s even a prize for the best behaved girl,” he added. Innocent little Tina smiled, “What’s the prize?” “A lot of ice cream.” When she heard this Tina’s face lit up, and she agreed at once. Ice cream was her favourite treat. Dean took her into her room and slowly but surely got her to strip, taking pictures all the while. A few days later Tina asked if they’d won, and Dean had to say they hadn’t yet, but they needed to do some more pictures, then maybe they’d have a better chance. He obtained more sordid pictures of

his own daughter, and after a while he did buy her a large tub of ice cream, telling her that was their prize. Time wore on, and Dean started to get impatient. He sat Tina down one day and explained mummy had asked him to explain the difference between boys and girls, as she was too busy to do it herself. They both sat on the bed naked, but Tina’s eyes went wide as she saw her father’s penis. He tried to get her to calm down, but it was a step too far for the young girl. Something felt wrong about this to her, and she was frightened. The next day at school she was in class, but she was still worrying about

what she’d seen. A yellow stream ran down her leg and puddled on the floor. She was taken to the office and was given a change of clothes, and the teacher informed Dean when he collected his daughter that afternoon. Of course, he made excuses about her friends watching scary films with her, and promised to talk to her about it. When they got home Dean sat Tina down to talk to her, already fearing he knew why it had really happened. He sat her on her bed and told her he needed to check she was OK as there might be something wrong, as good little girls don’t wet themselves. He “examined” her intimately first, before once more taking off his own trousers.

“You seem OK, but you’ve upset him,” he said, indicating his penis. Tina was immediately upset, as she never wanted to hurt anyone. “I think you just need to make friends.” That day he got Tina to touch him, they “shook hands” until… “Oh no, he’s crying,” she yelped in alarm, jumping back. “They’re happy tears, Tina. You made him very happy. He likes you.” From that moment he was able to get her to give him hand jobs at least. Dean felt victorious. He felt as if his daughter’s attention’s honoured him, and was a sign of her love. Unfortunately for Tina, she looked

more like her mother every day in Dean’s eyes. Her red hair and green eyes drew him to her like a moth to a flame. And the further he got with her the more he wanted. She was soon pleasuring him orally too. He made it all like a game to her. He’d read her stories of The Famous Five; a harmless children’s book on its own, but in his hands it became a dangerous tool. Every time he said the name Dick she would have to “kiss him” (Dean’s penis) and every time he said the name Aunty Fanny he would have to “kiss her”. Of course, Dick was in the stories a lot more often, which suited Dean completely. There were so many ‘games’ and so

many ways of deceit that Tina still had no idea of what was happening. She was lulled by his appearance of love and affection. She completely believed she was special to him. Dean had not been idle all this time either. The mums slowly started to accept his presence at the school gates, and he’d heard one of them fretting over her computer problems. He explained his background and offered to help. She insisted on paying him for his trouble, and word soon got around that he was a “computer whizz”. He started earning quite a bit of money (all cash in hand, obviously), which contributed to the household bills. This was enough to give Deborah

encouragement. Once he grew his business he set it up properly. It was perfect; he was a freelance computer guru, which meant he could work from home. He didn’t declare all the money to his wife (or the tax man), which meant Deborah still had to keep working. To change their arrangement would have meant spoiling his fun. Long before Tina was in her teens Dean had already worked his way up to fully penetrative sex with her. Much to his disappointment, she didn’t seem to enjoy it as much as he’d hoped. In his mind, he had done everything right; he’d told her how special she was, how much he loved her, how this was a

special reward for her etc. And he never wanted to hurt her, and had made doubly sure she was well lubricated. He didn’t understand why she wasn’t more responsive to him. He was scared that if he forced her too hard that she’d tell someone, so once more he had to be patient. “You do love me, don’t you, Princess?” he asked before trying again. “Of course daddy.” “You know I’d never do anything to hurt you, don’t you?” “But you did hurt me,” she admitted timidly. “I did?” “Uh huh. When George went hunting.”

George was their pet name for his penis, and he’d told her a story about him going out for a hunt one day, but he had to go through a dark tunnel to find the best berries. Dean gathered Tina to him in a hug. “My darling, I’m so sorry. You should have said. I’ll be more careful. Let’s try again now, and you just say if it hurts OK?” She was still hesitant. “OK Tina, I’ll tell you what. I’ll lie on my back so you can climb on top. That way you’re in control, and you can stop if it hurts.” Regrettably, Tina accepted this. She thought her daddy was so kind and caring. He only wanted her to be happy.

She didn’t want him to get angry at her. He frightened her when he was angry. He would hug her close after he had finished, showering her with kisses, “I love you so much Tina. You make me so happy,” he’d tell her. “You’re such a good girl.” I feel the need to point out here that this was still far from consensual. Tina had been groomed for many years, and was so wrapped up in her father’s lies she was like a fly in his spider’s web. There was no way she could tell right from wrong in this scenario. Going along with something you’re forced into is very different from doing something because you actually want to. Of course, being the one at home, Dean

was in control of all the washing, so there was never any physical evidence. And he was always careful to lay a large towel down on the bed before their activities. It was easier to wash a towel than a full set of bed sheets anyway. Years passed in this way. Dean and Tina had their routine, and Tina was too scared of her mum’s temper to mention anything about what they did. She wanted to tell her about the fun times, but she didn’t want to make her mum jealous or upset, as her dad had warned her she would be. And she didn’t have many (if any) friends at school. She sort of blurred into the background. She was so quiet not many

people noticed her. And the few who did notice teased her for being “Ginger”. She was therefore all the more grateful for her father’s love. She could go home and tell him how mean the other kids had been, and he would hold her and show her how much he loved her. Many moons later at school, Tina and her classmates were being given a Sex Ed lesson. She was now fifteen. They were learning about relationships and sexual intercourse. Tina’s hand shot up to ask a question. “Miss, you said couples are usually close in age. What if the man’s older?” “Well, yes, either partner can be older.” “How much older?”

“Well, it depends on the people.” “So, if there was someone like my dad’s age…? Would that be OK?” The teacher paused. It seemed an odd question. “Well, it’s unusual but there are people who have twenty or more years’ difference. There’s no law about age as long as you’re both over sixteen.” The class were all laughing. Everyone except Tina that is. She blushed as everyone laughed at her, and then all colour had drained from her face as the teacher’s words hit home. It was like a truck had just hit her, or she’d run into a brick wall. Something plummeted inside her, and she felt cold. Her body stiffened.

The class were still laughing as she ran out of the room, down the corridor and into the loos, where she promptly threw up. The teacher regained control of her class and finished the lesson. When Tina still didn’t return she went looking for her. She heard the sobs from the toilet cubicle, and knew at once what was so badly wrong. She felt sick herself; could this really be happening? She knocked on the door, having shooed any other girls away. “Tina? Is that you?” She knew full well that it was. “It’s Mrs Strauss, Tina. Can you let me in?”

There was nothing but sobs for a while, but eventually the door creaked open, and Mrs Strauss saw a mess of a girl perched on the toilet (lid closed). “Tina. I need you to know you can tell me anything,” her voice started to crack. She reached out to take the girl’s hand, but it was snatched back away. Her teacher crouched down so she could look into Tina’s reddened eyes. “Tina. It’s your dad isn’t it?” Tina exploded in the most gut wrenching, heart breaking howl Mrs Strauss would ever hear. “Yeeees,” she wailed. Mrs Strauss stood up. “Tina. We need to go to see the Head

Mistress. We need to tell her so we can get some help. OK? ” Tina launched herself into her teacher’s arms. It was like she was standing in a burning building fifty floors up, and had to jump across to another building for safety. Mrs Strauss stood there, with Tina’s arms wrapped tightly around her. She felt awkward; there were rules about physical contact, and given this girl’s situation this was doubly wrong. But she couldn’t abandon her. Not now. “Shhh….it’s OK, it’s OK. We’ll make this right. You’re safe now. I promise.” She rubbed Tina’s shoulder. They stood there until Tina had cried herself out. She walked to the sinks and

splashed her face with cold water to revive herself. Mrs Strauss led her to the school office and sat her down in the waiting chair. She fetched a glass of water and went into the Head Mistress’ Office. Having prepared the head teacher with the news, Mrs Strauss fetched Tina. She sat there with two pairs of eyes looking at her. “Tina,” the Head Mistress (Mrs Jones), began, “we’re here to help you. I need you to tell me what’s been happening.” Tina closed her lips firmly together. “Tina. I know this is difficult, and I’m sorry. But we can’t help if you don’t tell us.”

“But I don’t want to get into trouble.” “I promise you’re not going to be in trouble. I just need to know if your dad’s been harming you.” She shook her head. “He’d never hurt me.” “But has he touched you?” Tina nodded. “But only because he loves me.” “Where, Tina?” Tina pointed to the places. “Brave girl. Thank you for telling me. Is he due to collect you from school today? Another nod. “OK. Tina, I’m going to have to make a phone call. Mrs Strauss will take you to

the counsellor along the corridor. Are you happy to go with her?” Tina nodded. Mrs Jones’ heart broke for this poor young girl. She glanced at Mrs Strauss who had the same pained expression she knew was on her own face. She tilted her head in a nod and took Tina away. Mrs Jones had to take some deep steadying breaths before she picked up the phone. “Hello, Social Services,” came the greeting through the receiver. Social Services in turn phoned the police. Mrs Jones’ office was getting crowded. Two police officers had turned up, but only the female one went into the office.

Once they were all assembled and briefed on the process, Mrs Strauss brought Tina back into the office too. She turned to leave, but Tina grabbed hold of her hand. She had seen the police officer and was terrified she was going to be arrested. She’d been breaking the law. The policewoman saw Tina’s fear and approached gently, slowly and not too close. “Hi. Do you know something funny?” Tina shook her head. “My name’s Tina too. You’re not in any trouble, Tina. I’m just here to listen to what you have to say. I’m only here to help you. Understand?” Tina nodded slowly, but not fully

believing this woman. “Come and sit down. We can just have a chat.” Tina obeyed, and at first they started talking about everyday things, things of no consequence, so Tina felt comfortable talking. Slowly but surely Tina told them her story. She cried the whole time. She felt like she was betraying her dad. She’d never meant to tell anyone. But the teacher had said this was illegal, and suddenly she’d realised what he’d been doing all these years. The floodgates had opened and the words blurted out of her mouth. The policewoman went out of the room to meet her colleague. She confirmed the

girl had told her about her abuse, and they got ready to arrest Dean when he turned up. “Is there a friend or relative you want to go home with today, Tina?” The lady from Social Services asked. Tina shook her head and told them she just wanted to go home. “Your mum’s been called and she’s on her way, but we’re going to have to talk with her for a while. It might be best for you to stay with a friend tonight.” In truth, she was concerned the mother may have been ‘in on it’ and needed to investigate. “Hermione might be OK, but daddy doesn’t like me going round there.”

The lady from Social Services thought this sounded like the perfect choice then, but kept her opinion to herself. She looked up at Mrs Jones. “Can her parents be contacted?” “Of course,” the Head Mistress replied. “I’ll see to it right away.” So it was arranged, Tina went home with Hermione. She didn’t speak a word all night, and she barely touched her food. She got dressed in one of Hermione’s spare nighties and curled up in bed, with her mind racing through her life. She was looking with fresh eyes. It was as if a veil had been lifted, and she started to see through all the lies. She was horrified.

Deborah on the other hand had received the shock of her life. “But I’m a bloody nurse! Surely I’d know if something like this were going on in my own home?” “It’s not always obvious,” the lady from Social Services tried to reassure her. She was relieved that at least this mother was genuinely shocked. “No. She must be lying. One of her friends must have put her up to it. Dean would never do anything like that.” She felt sick to her stomach, she couldn’t begin to imagine it. She felt like she’d been in that school office for hours.

She drove home still feeling in shock, and went into their empty house. Her husband was in the local police station. Phew! That was heavy going! Are you still with me? That’s the worst bits over and done with. If you’ve got this far, well done.

Chapter 4 – Brown Stuff Hits the Fan Now some of you may be thinking ‘hoorah, now she’s safe’ and be celebrating the arrest of dastardly Dean. And yes, it was a victory but it was far from the end of Tina’s problems. In fact, you could consider it merely the beginning. Before, Tina had been in a state of ignorance, or at least denial. But the truth she learned that day in school hit her as surely as a dagger driving into her gut. Her pain, now realised, began haemorrhaging out of Tina like a waterfall of blood. The full realisation had hit hard indeed.

The next morning Hermione’s mum dropped Tina off at home. Deborah managed a smile and thanked the other mother for looking after Tina, and shut the door quickly. Then her tirade began. “What the hell were you thinking, Tina? What did you have to tell the police for? Why didn’t you speak to me? How are we supposed to pay for the house with him in prison? We could have handled this ourselves.” These, and many other reprimands were shouted at Tina, who could only look stunned at her mother. She was shocked at the outburst, adding to her already shocked state. Where she had been expecting comfort she found venom and coldness.

Feeling alone and unloved she stood in the hallway and cried. She tried to apologise, but no matter how hard she tried to explain she hadn’t meant to tell tales, that it “just sort of came out, and it was out of my control,” her mother remained furious. Scared her mum may actually lash out she ran to the sanctuary of her own room. But there staring at her was the scene of her crimes (as she thought of them). Her bed loomed large, as a ghastly reminder of all that had occurred. Another place of safety had turned into her enemy. Unable to bring herself to sit on the place of sin, she sank to the floor instead. She reached for a teddy bear

from her bed to cuddle, desperate for something to hold, for anything that could console her. But the teddy had born witness to the evil doings, and she found the thing repulsive. She had nothing and no one. She sorely wanted her dad to hold her. He had supposedly been her support, but she felt sick as she realised how wrong it was to want him. He was not her comforter and never had been. She let her shoulders fall forwards onto the floor, and wailed into the carpet. She cried out in pain, in distress, and in utter confusion. Her whole body shuddered with sobs, and she could barely draw breath. Snot poured from

her nose, but she didn’t care. Her screams continued with each tiny intake of breath. She blamed herself entirely; she hadn’t stopped her dad when she ‘should’ have, she had told the teachers, she had got him arrested, and now her mum hated her. She had no real friends at school. She was utterly alone. The darkness whirled around her and closed in. There was nothing but black in her world, with not one slither of light or hope. What had she done? “Why God, why?” came her cry. But nobody answered. Eventually, with the realisation it

wouldn’t change anything, Tina managed to calm her breathing and finally stopped crying. She sat up and hugged her knees to her, her head resting on them. She had to figure out what to do. Where did she go from here? But she couldn’t think. Her mind was full of flashbacks, her memories of what she’d believed to be love and affection were poisoned with hate and evil. Each memory passed through her mind like a parade of despicable acts. She felt dirty and unclean. She took herself into the bathroom and turned on the shower. At first the water felt refreshing, but the effect soon wore off, and she turned the temperature up. She got a bar of soap and a scrubber and tried to scrub off the

uncleanliness of what had happened. She scrubbed and scrubbed until her skin was red raw and started bleeding, but still the filth seemed to cling to her. She even tried putting the soap inside of her, as if that could clean her. But that too failed. She felt like a vessel of grime that nothing could ever make clean again. She gave up and towelled herself off. She went back to her room and put on the baggiest jumper and jogging bottoms she could find. Tina’s mum knocked on her door at lunchtime. Receiving no answer she left the plate of sandwiches and cup of tea outside the room, and called through the door so Tina knew her lunch was there.

It remained untouched. Tina wasn’t hungry. She didn’t want food. She wanted nothing that would sustain this hateful existence. Her mum replaced the untouched lunch with dinner in the evening. But that too went untouched. In truth, Deborah had no idea what to say to her daughter. She felt disgusted at both of them. She had questions, like how long it had been going on, but she didn’t feel like she could ask. She had no words of comfort. She needed some of her own. She felt the betrayal of her husband and felt guilty that she hadn’t known. She hated that she’d not been there for her daughter, despised her job, and

loathed herself. She felt angry at Dean for what he’d done. No, there were no words she could find to speak to the girl. The next day was a Sunday, but she had to go to work. She called through the door to Tina that she was being left alone. “Bye,” was the abrupt yet quiet answer. Tina spent all weekend in her room, not eating. She managed to drink some water. She brought a cup of tea straight back up when she’d tried to drink it. Monday morning came, and Deborah dragged Tina off the floor. She hadn’t slept in her bed still.

“You’ve got to go to school,” Deborah barked, when Tina tried to refuse. “I can’t. They’ll know. They’ll hate me. They’ll tease me.” “Well you should have thought of that before opening your big mouth. Come on, get dressed.” Tina reluctantly shoved on her school uniform. She looked a mess. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her hair had barely been brushed. Her clothes were untidy. She shuffled her way out of her mum’s car and up the path into school. She felt all eyes turn to her as she walked that path of shame. Her head was hung low, as she tried to avoid making eye contact. She went

straight to her form room, and tried to hide herself away at her desk in the corner. A few other students were already in the room. They stared, but nobody spoke to her. “Are you alright?” her form tutor asked. Tina nodded and drew her arms around her middle. “I think Mrs Jones wanted to see you. Have you spoken to her?” Tina shook her head ‘no’. She made her way to the Head Teacher’s office. The secretary smiled encouragingly and pointed to the chair where she was to wait.

A couple of minutes later Mrs Jones popped her head around her door and beckoned Tina to go in. Tina’s eyes went wide, as she was faced with yet more horrific memories. This is where she had revealed the hideous truth. Why hadn’t she just been able to remain quiet? Mrs Jones explained that the school counsellor was coming to collect Tina. She didn’t have to attend any lessons that morning. She walked along in silence at the side of Miss Nodin, the counsellor. Tina was terrified she was going to say something that was going to make this whole situation worse. Tina sat down on the low, soft, brown

chair in the counsellor’s room. Having shut the door, Miss Nodin took her place opposite Tina. There was a glass of water and tissues on the table. “Welcome Tina. I just want to let you know that you can tell me anything in this room. I won’t tell anyone else. This session is just for you, so you can talk about anything you want. The only time I would need to tell anyone else is if you are at risk of harm to yourself or others, but I would talk to you before I do that. “You’re safe here. My number one rule is that it’s absolutely OK to cry, and there’s tissues if you need them. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and nothing you can say that will shock me. I’ve been doing this a long time. I am

here to listen, not judge. I understand you’re going through a really difficult time, but it might help if you talk about it.” Tina looked the woman up and down, and narrowed her eyes. How did she know she could trust her? What if she accidentally said something wrong? So many what ifs went through that poor girl’s mind. She sat there in silence, going through all the possibilities. Miss Nodin just sat there quietly and patiently. She could see Tina’s inner struggle. Finally Tina found the courage to open her mouth. “I can tell you anything?”

“Yes.” “And you won’t tell the police?” “No. Not unless you’re in danger.” “But my dad’s already been arrested so I’m not in danger.” “Right.” “So, how does this work? What do you want to know?” “This is your space, Tina. You can talk about what you want and need to talk about. You don’t have to amuse me. Just talk.” “I don’t really know where to start. I mean, you already know what my dad’s done.” “I do.” “So, what’s there to talk about?”

“How are you feeling, Tina?” And with that one simple question Tina’s counselling journey began. Over the course of time she opened up, but there was always something left unsaid, that Tina wasn’t ready to admit to, even to herself. At school, Tina had withdrawn even more into herself. She tried to be inconspicuous, it was as if she were a shadow or a ghost, just on the periphery of what the other kids were doing. One boy had yelled at her in the playground one day, “Look, it’s the whore! Hey Tina, how much do you charge?” His friends had joined in and laughed at her. She had run away, tears streaming

down her face, cheeks burning with shame at what the other kids thought of her. She barely spoke to anyone. And although she could have a civil conversation with her mum, the relationship was very strained. The counselling helped her to function academically, but socially she couldn’t talk to anyone. She wanted to move away, to escape from everyone that knew her ugly truth, to start again somewhere, but her mum refused. Deborah was exhausting herself, trying to take on extra shifts at work to make ends meet, so they wouldn’t lose the house. The house itself demanded to be kept

clean, and then she had to cope with a girl she no longer knew. She would often give Tina money so she could buy food on her walk home from school. Tina would often end up cooking said food and doing the washing up. She desperately wanted to please her mum, to win back her love. But nothing she did seemed good enough. Tina was tidying up one day, and returned a pair of her mum’s shoes that she’d left lying around to her wardrobe. A bag fell down and as she picked it up she saw it was opened halfway. She recognised it as one of her dad’s bags. Curious, she peeked inside. It was stuffed with money. She gasped in surprise. There was hundreds, no

thousands of pounds in there. She showed her mum as soon as she returned home from work. Instead of being pleased, her mum berated her for snooping. She was angry at yet another obvious betrayal of her husband. He’d obviously been hiding this money from her. Was there no end to this nightmare? Who had she married? What was this monster? Well, she’d jolly well use the money to keep her house. She counted the money when she was alone; it really was quite a hoard. It would mean she didn’t have to do extra shifts at least. The financial burden was eased. She hid it somewhere safe. The police had already been in the

house and confiscated the computer. Goodness knows how they missed this. She was just glad they had. And she certainly didn’t want them to discover it if they had to come back for a full search. It took a very long time, but at last her dad’s trial date arrived. Her father had pleaded ‘not guilty’ in the hopes of staying out of prison. He’d denied the accusations, thinking there was no physical evidence and this may help clear his name. Part of him was ashamed of what he’d done, but he couldn’t bear the thought of incarceration. The police had brought in Victim Support to help Tina deal with the court

process. They help victims of many types of crime, and are well versed in the reporting of childhood abuse cases. Deborah had refused their offered assistance for herself, feeling she didn’t deserve their help. Tina was to go into a video link room, so she didn’t have to face her tormentor in the actual courtroom. This was supposed to make her feel better, but she was still terribly nervous as she was led into the Live Link room on trembling legs. She sat down with the person from Victim Support and was indeed well supported, but it was still an ordeal. Tina had to give an account of all that had happened to her. She broke down in

tears as she divulged the details. She thanked the heavens that she didn’t have to look at her father as she denounced him. He was sentenced to four years in prison. Tina should have felt relieved, but she felt guilty. She’d just got her dad locked up. It felt a long way off from a victory to her. And what would happen in four years? She’d be a grown-up by then. Her inner conflict was massive; relief her dad wouldn’t hurt her any longer was the predominant feeling, but the guilt was playing a major role, excitement for a happy future featured, but then trepidation set in as she realised just

how unsure she was about what lay in store for her, and wondered what her future would be. Deborah felt even more useless as she watched her daughter go through this ordeal. She hated Dean even more than she thought possible. But she hated herself too. She’d not seen what was happening under her nose, in her own home. She didn’t know how to cope with the shame and the guilt she felt about that. Once again, someone else was supporting and consoling her daughter better than she could. She scolded herself for being a useless mother, and detached herself further from the situation, which sadly also meant

distancing herself away from Tina too. The court case had also unfortunately attracted publicity, and the teasing at school started up again. She was shunned as damaged goods, except from the boys who thought it was OK to try to get off with her, who she hit and ran away from. That just led to her reputation as “a psycho”, thanks to the maliciousness of the rejected boys. Whilst the others were all finding boyfriends and girlfriends, and exploring their sexuality, Tina was doing her best to shrink away from any sexual contact. It wasn’t difficult to do, nobody wanted to get near her now. Being left alone with no distractions meant Tina had a lot of time to study.

Study and paint. She would save up her pocket money and spend it on art supplies. She kept her portfolio hidden away. It was for her own amusement. Sometimes she would paint dark abstracts, which echoed her pain. Sometimes she would draw friendly faces, just so she had a smile to look at when she was feeling lonely. Somehow, she managed to get good grades in her GCSEs, probably thanks to the aforementioned lengthy study periods alone. She got an A* in art. But she focussed on maths and finance when she went to college. She found the world of numbers strangely comforting. There were rules that numbers had to follow; a logical

pattern she found reassuring. Fortunately, this meant she mixed with a new set of people at college. She was still shy though, and kept herself apart, scared someone would find out what she really was. She didn’t go to parties. She was looked upon as ‘the serious one’ and people accepted that. One of her classmates noticed her though. Julian was seventeen, and was really sweet. It was his soft, gentle nature that allowed Tina to say hello when he began talking to her. It had taken him over a term to pluck up the courage to do so. He was a bit daunted by her beauty, and she was so quiet it was almost impossible to start a conversation with her. But as time had

gone on he knew he had to find something to break the ice. Tina was in the library, quietly studying. Julian took the opportunity of taking the vacant chair next to her, and whispered across, “Can I borrow that text book after you, please?” He’d been trying to speak to her for ages, yet this was the best he could come up with? He felt disappointed in himself, but he had to start somewhere. “Sure,” was Tina’s whispered response. “How are you finding the course? It seemed easy at first, but now we’re getting into it, I’m struggling a bit to be honest.” “I don’t think we’re supposed to be

talking in here,” she warned. “Can we maybe go to the cafeteria then? I’d really appreciate your guidance. You seem like a natural.” “That’s because I read the text books,” she huffed, and went back to her reading. Julian was a little hurt by her rebuke. He didn’t really need her help, he just thought it may get her talking. He picked up his bag and skulked out of the library to lick his wounds and come up with a better plan. As if someone as intelligent as her would fall for the ‘I need extra help’ line anyway. The next day Julian bought his lunch and took it to where Tina was already sitting.

“Mind if I join you?” he asked hopefully. She shrugged which he took as acceptance. He carefully sat down, as if he was going to disturb her peace if he moved too quickly. “So, besides being a maths genius, what else do you like doing?” he tried. “Not much really.” She didn’t mean to sound rude, but there wasn’t a lot to tell him. “I like films. Sci-fi mainly.” “Oh.” She meant it as an affirmation, but was really thinking ‘what a geek’. “OK. So, clearly not up to chatting?” “Sorry. There’s not much to me really. I don’t have enough free time to go out.”

“Why?” “I help my mum. She works a lot, so I do a lot of chores.” Actually, Deborah had stopped working so much, and had started going out with friends sometimes. She just told Tina she was going out to work. She had to escape the house, and she needed to let her hair down a bit. “That doesn’t sound fun. Where’s your dad?” Tina paused. She hadn’t expected the question, and wasn’t prepared with an answer. She drew a breath before vaguely replying, “He’s not around.” “My dad left my mum five years ago. It can be really tough. But you get through it.”

“Yeah. I guess. Well, it was nice talking to you.” Tina stood up to leave. “Wait. Would you like to go see a film some time? I’ll pay of course. I’m sure you can escape just for a little while?” Tina shook her head. “Sorry. I can’t.” Then she dashed away before he could push it any further. Outside, in the fresh air, Tina drew a deep refreshing breath. Did that boy just ask her out on a date? She’d said hello to Julian in class, naturally. She may even have shared a few sentences on equations, but she’d never picked up on any hint of attraction. He was nice, and he had soft brown

eyes. He looked kind. And she’d just turned him down. She started wondering why, but she already knew. She knew she wouldn’t be able to give him what he wanted, and that ultimately the relationship was doomed. Dating just wasn’t on her agenda; not now, maybe not ever. But as Julian walked into their afternoon class she noticed how dejected he looked. She felt sorry for him. She didn’t want to hurt him. Maybe she was being paranoid? She’d not ever had a boyfriend. How did she know until she tried? She looked over at Julian. He really was nice looking. He lifted his head and his gaze met hers. A hint of a smile

played at the corners of his mouth. She walked over, her feet carrying her, her brain unaware of what she was really intending to do. “I’m sorry if I sounded rude,” she said. “Don’t worry about it. It was just a thought.” “Maybe we could go to see a film? I’ll clear it with my mum.” What she really meant was, she was going to check the planner and see when her mum was next working nights so she could sneak off after college without having to tell her. But Julian didn’t have to know that. And now he was smiling at her. Such a lovely white smile! It created little dimples in his cheeks.

They only had to wait a few days before their first date. They caught the bus into town. Going to the cinema was a brilliant idea. It gave Tina a good excuse for not talking, yet they could enjoy being in each other’s company. She sat in the darkness, not really paying attention to the screen. She was busy trying to get used to having a male so close to her. She realised she’d had some sort of barrier around her ever since ‘the trouble’ and nobody had really come close to her. She hadn’t even noticed. She’d sort of shut down on the day of realisation, and just drifted along in a quiet ebb.

She’d never been actively social, and she had found her own way of coping on her own. Other people always started talking and then asking questions, and then things got awkward. But it was nice now, sitting next to Julian. She thought she might be able to get used to this. When the film was over Julian insisted on catching the bus to her house with Tina, to make sure she got home safely. She stiffened when he leaned in and kissed her cheek, but then he pulled away, and she released her breath. OK, that wasn’t too bad. She could cope with that. “Thanks for a really nice afternoon. We’ll have to do it again soon.” Julian

commented, yet questioned. “Yes. I’d like that.” Tina admitted shyly. They had a few dates like that. And Tina gradually started to relax. Julian wasn’t really aware of it, but he was slowly starting to dismantle her brick wall barrier. He just knew the more he got to know this strange quiet girl the more he liked her. They had started chatting at college in their breaks. Tina never gave any details away. She always tried to get Julian to do the talking, so she could avoid it. There was no easy way of discussing her life without saying what happened with her dad, and she felt quite convinced he would run a mile if she

told him. She didn’t want to scare him off. She was starting to really like Julian. She wasn’t lying, just omitting some details about her life. Tina invited Julian into her house for a drink one day. The trouble is she meant for a drink, and he thought it was an invitation for more. Their kisses had only ever been light pecks before, but now he was in her house he felt it was OK to give her a proper kiss. They were sitting in the kitchen, and he moved closer to Tina. His head drew nearer to hers. Tina felt tingles rise in her body, and her breath hitched. She looked into his

eyes and saw lust. She pulled away, scared by what she’d seen. “Are you OK? What’s wrong?” a bewildered Julian asked. “Sorry. I just wasn’t ready.” Tina took a deep breath. She could do this. This wasn’t her father. This was nice, gentle, kind Julian. She momentarily closed her eyes, took another deep breath and let herself be drawn in to the kiss. Julian somehow knew to take it gently. He widened his mouth a little, and gradually increased the passion. His lips caressed hers so lovingly, Tina’s insides turned to jelly.

She was wrapped up in his arms, and was slowly relaxing. But she had a breaking point, and she pulled away. She smiled bashfully at Julian, “You’re a good kisser.” “You’re not so bad yourself.” But he was disappointed. She clearly wasn’t going any further today. He was so confused. Why had she invited him in? He went home soon after that. Tina was relieved when he went, and tried to get her thoughts back in order. She felt something for this boy, and his kiss was really good, but she also felt her own resistance to him. She couldn’t trust her feelings. She felt

so jaded by her past. It all felt a bit bewildering. Tina caught up with Julian at college the next day. “Sorry I got a bit weird yesterday,” she apologised. “It’s OK. I’m guessing that was your first proper kiss?” “Yeah. Kind of,” she told him. She missed off the rest of the sentence which was in her head ‘unless you count my own father’s kisses’. It turned her stomach even to have the words in her head. There was no way she could bring herself to say them. “Well, that explains a lot. You should have said. I’m sorry. You probably think I’m a jerk now.”

“No. I’d never think that about you. You’re lovely. I’m sorry I didn’t say. I just didn’t know how.” Yeah, that sounded plausible. She’d go along with the story that she was a virgin. That would explain the awkwardness. The next kiss was a little easier, and each one after that. Tina began to build her trust along with her love for Julian. She felt so lucky to have such a patient, lovely boyfriend. They gradually built their way up to sex, and Julian thought he was going to explode with frustration. But they finally got there. They were sitting on Tina’s bed, which had been replaced not long after her

dad’s arrest. It had been clear Tina was never going to sleep on her old one again, so her mum gave in and bought her a replacement. Julian started pecking his way across Tina’s cheek and across to her mouth. He moved his body closer to hers as his mouth brushed hers. She could feel his warmth, and was melting into his soft kiss. His tongue caressed hers, and she felt the flames of desire start to lick their way through her. Her breaths got shorter, and their kisses became more desperate. Julian pulled off his t-shirt in between kisses and she pulled off hers. She laid back on the bed, and felt her muscles go rigid as he laid on top of her.

But she was determined to get over her past. It wasn’t fair on Julian to keep delaying. And part of her really wanted to be with him. She wanted to be ‘normal’. She tried to calm herself. Julian paused in his kisses. In a breathy voice, he said, “Oh Tina. I love you sweetheart.” Tina’s head was suddenly filled with flashbacks of her father using those very same words. She screamed as they crashed through her mind. Julian was frozen to the spot, completely shocked. “Get off me. Get off me. Get off me,” she shouted. She started pummelling her fists and trying to kick her legs.

Julian managed to come to his senses and sprung back up to his feet. “Tina. What the fuck?” he asked, still stunned. “Get off,” she carried on screaming. “I’m off. I’m off. What the hell’s going on?” “No. Make it stop. Make it stop,” she yelled, limbs flailing. Julian freaked out. He didn’t have a clue what to do. “Tina?” “Oh God help me,” she cried, putting her hands to her head, trying to stop the images from forming. “You’ve gone fucking crazy,” Julian exclaimed, his face ashen.

But she was caught up in her own nightmare and didn’t hear him. He was so scared. In hindsight he would regret it, but he ran away in terror. He just wanted to get away from the banshee in front of him. What the hell had he done to make her react like that? She was totally batshit crazy. No wonder nobody else had dated her. She should come with a warning note. Tina was left alone on her bed to cry. She finally got the images to stop, but her tears continued to flow long after. How long was she going to be haunted by her past? She felt like it was always going to be there. She couldn’t see any way she’d ever be rid of it.

It took a considerable amount of time to realise Julian wasn’t there. Then she started crying all over again. Wow, she’d really fucked up. There was no way he would ever go near her again. She must have looked like a complete psycho. If only he’d not used those words. She’d been really proud of herself up until then, she had become tense, but she thought she would have been OK. Sadly, Tina’s fears were confirmed. She saw Julian the next day at college and he could barely look at her. She tried to talk to him but he turned away. It was days before he would actually listen to what she had to say. “Julian. Will you just let me

apologise?” she finally shouted at him outside. She was desperate and frustrated and hurt. “Fine. You’re sorry.” “Yes, I really am. It wasn’t you.” “Yeah, it’s not you it’s me.” “But it really is.” “Just save it, Tina. I don’t know what happened, but I really don’t want to hear it. There’s no way I’m going there with you again. I’ll always be expecting you to freak out. “I’m sure there’s a really good excuse. But I just can’t handle it. I’m sorry. I really liked you. But this is too much for me. It’s over.”

Tina’s heart sank to her stomach. She knew he was right. She’d hurt him with her outburst. He would never trust her again. It was for all the wrong reasons, but she agreed there was no going back now. What she thought was love was yet just another deception in her life.

Chapter 5 - Escapism Just as Tina had begun to hope something good was going to happen in her life she just found she’d made it worse. She cursed herself for flipping out. She really couldn’t blame Julian for distancing himself. So, she was back to square one, just relying on herself to get her through. Her counselling course had ended, and her mother wasn’t prepared to pay for further sessions. As a result Tina had plunged back into her pit of despair. Dark thoughts consumed her. She wondered what the point was in

living. She couldn’t see anything bright in her future. She didn’t feel she’d ever be able to have a ‘normal’ relationship, her dad was in prison, her mum still seemed to hold it against her, and she had nobody to talk to. She kept hoping she’d get a sign, some sort of Divine Intervention to give her some hope, but none came. Tina had retreated back into her shell. She hadn’t fully come out anyway. She’d merely popped her head out, found it wasn’t safe, and crept back inside, into a sort of hibernation. She immersed herself in her studies, hoping that would give her a way out. The summer holidays arrived, and Tina

was relieved. She was able to shut herself away in her bedroom and paint. Her art teacher at school had been really encouraging, and her talent grew. She wasn’t doing art at college, but she no longer needed guidance. There were some art books in the college library that she’d come across, with fantasy figures in. It had given her inspiration, and she’d sketched some characters, which now she had time to develop. She sat down with her brush in hand, and started painting the dark green hues of a lush tropical forest. The forest was dark as it was night time, but a full moon shone down in a clearing, highlighting a magnificent

white unicorn. A beautiful fairy with softened, glowing wings approached the animal. There was a pool of water behind them, shimmering in the moonlight. But all else was dark around the scene. Tina immersed herself in the scene, getting lost in its depths. It made her happy to see the union of fairy and unicorn. Each new layer of paint seemed to offer Tina a new temptation to explore further. It took her ages to finish the picture, but she was pleased with the end result. Her next project was to find out where they were headed. A sunset appeared, and the fairy was riding the unicorn this

time. In the distance, along the horizon was a beautiful castle, white with a faint blue shimmer, but golden in the sun’s dawning rays. The pair were travelling along a winding path towards the castle. She felt they’d been riding all night. Each day Tina would sit at her art desk, getting lost in the magical kingdom her brush created. She felt excited by the journey the fairy was on, and wanted to see where her next adventure would take her. The summer slipped by with Tina going on adventures conjured by her own hand. By the time she went back to college

she was feeling much better. It was as if the drawings themselves were giving her hope, but the fairy castle was still a long way off. Tina sat in the library at college, perusing another art book. She was still keeping up with her official studies, but today she wanted to get some more ideas for her paintings. She was looking at some very menacing goblins when a male voice at her back startled her. She physically jumped as he said hello. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you jump,” the voice said. “Umm…I was just a bit lost. Sorry. Hello.” Tina stumbled across the words as the

boy walked to her side and she looked up into a pair of smiling hazel eyes, which were just about visible through the curtain of a shaggy brown fringe. They were the kind of eyes that were framed with eyelashes which made their owner look like he was wearing mascara (which he wasn’t). He was beautiful. “Interesting friends you have there,” the boy commented, nodding at the goblins. Tina smiled bashfully, “Oh, they’re not friends. But they are interesting. I was thinking of using them in my next painting.” “You paint? I’ve not seen you in class.” “Oh, it’s just a hobby,” she admitted

with a nervous laugh. “You have a hobby painting goblins?” “Not really. So far it’s a fairy and a unicorn. She blushed as she realised how girly and ridiculous that sounded. But to her amazement, the boy didn’t mock her. “Well, it sounds more cheerful than my vampires and demons. But sadly I’m having to do the token bowl of fruit for class. Just how clichéd? It’s really dull. I’m trying to find a way of livening it up. I came here for ideas.” “Well, everyone paints it just as they see it, right? So, I would paint them the wrong colours, like a green orange, or an orange banana.”

“Hey, that’s not bad. Challenging the viewer’s perspective.” “Of course, if you like vampires, you could add fangs?” “I think that may be a little too challenging. Although I do like the idea of killer fruit,” he laughed. He laughed a little too loudly, and the girl sitting opposite glowered in his direction. The pair looked at each other with mock shocked expressions. “Oops. Maybe we should continue this conversation elsewhere?” “You don’t really want to do that.” “No? I thought I just said I did? My mistake.” “No. You will just end up regretting it.

Trust me.” “Can I make up my own mind?” The other girl glowered again, and this time added a ‘shh!’ Tina rolled her eyes, “Fine.” She picked up the book and checked it out before heading outside with…Who was he? “Ummm…I’m Tina,” she said as they stepped into the sunlight. “I’m Frank. Sorry, I probably should have said that already. It’s a bit difficult to talk properly in places like that.” He was wincing as the sun hit his eyes. “Oh gosh, you’re not an actual vampire yourself, are you, Frank?” she teased. “Yes, and I’m going to suck your

blood,” he laughed back, starting to chase her with his arms stretched high. Tina squealed and began to run. She laughed. It felt good. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed like this. Her face fell serious as she realised maybe she never had. Frank led her to the shade of a tree, where they sat on the ground. It was September, but there was still warmth in the air. “Are you OK? I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m not really a vampire.” “I gathered. Otherwise you’d be a pile of ash by now.” “So, what was the black cloud?”

“Black cloud?” she echoed the query. “Yes. The one that suddenly fell over your head.” “Oh. That. Nothing really.” “Fair enough. I didn’t mean to pry. I have enough of them myself. I suppose it lets me see others. But you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want. I totally understand secrets.” “You do?” “Yeah, I really do.” It was Frank’s turn to look sad. He wanted to get back onto safer territory Tina pulled the library book out of her bag. “Oh look at this guy. He’s perfectly menacing,” she said, pointing to a grim

looking goblin. Frank made an exaggerated shudder, “Oooooh. He’d put some of my demons to shame. Tell you what. I’ll offer you a challenge. You use him in your painting and I’ll use him in one of mine, and then we can judge who makes him the most menacing.” “I don’t know. I’ve never shown anyone my work. Well, there was my art teacher at school, but she didn’t see this stuff. I’m only just starting really. It’s not good enough to show.” Frank put his face close to hers, “Just as well I’m not asking you to put it in an exhibition. Just show me. I won’t tell anyone, I promise.” His hazel eyes were shining with

mischief, but somehow Tina found herself trusting him. She didn’t even pull back when he was invading her space. She found herself accepting the challenge. Frank made a quick sketch of the gruesome goblin in his pad, and they parted company. Tina started on her picture the minute she got home. She already knew what she wanted to try to achieve. The fairy was still riding the unicorn, but the path had taken a steep turn, and they started heading into a shadier spot, with trees starting to encroach on the path. The goblin jumped out of the forest, startling the unicorn. But the fairy was braced and ready with her own magic

starting to emerge like electricity from her fingertips. She worked all weekend on her project, and every evening after college for the next week. She’d splashed out on a small canvas and quick drying acrylics for this one. If she was going to show someone else, she wanted it to have a chance of looking presentable.

Chapter 6 – The Truth Will Out The allotted ‘reveal’ day finally came, and Tina was just about ready to show Frank her work. She was really nervous. She really wanted him to like it. He was actually studying art, so she viewed him as an authority on the subject. They were sat outside by the tree again, with sun shining its rays through the leaves, leaving a warm dappled light illuminating Tina’s hair. “Come on then, let’s have a look,” Frank said eagerly. Tina bit her lip, feeling very uncertain. Her friend noticed her hesitation. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” he cajoled.

“That’s not funny,” she admonished. For her those words cut like a knife through her soul. What should be harmless banter wounded Tina deeply. They brought back horrific memories which made her bottom lip tremble. Noticing her distress Frank felt bad. “Shit, I’m sorry. Look, no pressure OK?” he soothed. “You can show me your drawing when you’re ready.” Tina shook her head, her hair falling over her face. “No, it’s not that,” she said with her eyes looking at the ground. “Do you want to talk about it?” “No,” she yelped, terrified where this conversation was going.

No-one must know. Nobody must ever know, she thought. Her eyes had grown wide with fear, and her body was coiling to flee. But Frank took a subtle sideways shuffle away from her, and reached into his bag. “Here’s mine. It’s not really what I had hoped, but you can see it anyway,” he offered apologetically. His calm demeanour, and lack of his own self confidence made Tina pause. She peeked around her cascading fringe. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Frank reach into his portfolio and slowly pull out a dark picture. He had drawn a whole army of fearsome goblins, all of whom were brandishing weapons. It was drawn in

wax pastels, but in dark reds and blacks. The goblins faces alone were pale, but twisted and smeared with blood. Tina wasn’t sure who their enemy was, but she didn’t think she’d like to be them. They really were a fearsome lot. She looked into each of their faces and saw hatred and rage in their snarling mouths. There were several wounded warriors, but they were being trodden over by the rest of the hoard in their rush to battle. As she looked deeper she saw body parts strewn around too. It was a scene worthy of Vlad the Impaler himself. Tina dragged her eyes away from the picture and into her friend’s gentle face. Could he really have drawn such a nightmare? How could he even imagine

this pain? This torment that seemed to express her own angst. And she suddenly realised she did want to fight. She wanted to do battle with her own nightmares. She just wasn’t sure how. How could she fight a man locked in prison? “Sorry. I told you it wasn’t that good,” Frank’s words yanked her away from her inner monologue. She blinked at him a moment. “Sorry to bring you back to Earth, space cadet. You alright?” he asked. But Tina could only nod blankly at him, her mouth slightly parted. She shook herself back to reality.

“It’s really good. Sorry. I was just wondering…I mean…how did you…? It’s so dark!” she finally managed to blurt out. “I told you; dark clouds,” he said as if that explained everything. Finding a little confidence, Tina reached into her own bag and pulled out her pad, and bashfully revealed her own picture. It felt like a childish daydream now. Her fairy almost mocked her ludicrous notion of fear. But she heard a gasp next to her. “Wow,” Frank exclaimed. “Now, that’s way more scary.” “Don’t. You don’t have to placate me. Please. You won.”

“Are you kidding me? Mine’s a scene of war. But this? This is a beautiful place of serenity, where you feel safe. It should be nirvana, but here on this peaceful path, just out of sight so you don’t see it until it’s too late is this dark patch of woods, and out jumps this guy. You’d be caught completely off guard, and would be completely at his mercy, unable to fight back. “My guys know they’re there to fight, but your fairy is in mortal peril. It is the destruction of the pure in a moment. Tina, it’s brilliant.” But as he looked up he saw tears streaming down Tina’s cheeks. “Tina, what’s wrong?” “You…you saw all that in there?”

“Uh huh.” “I didn’t mean…it’s not supposed... you’re not supposed to see.” She snatched her picture back, nearly ripping it, and ran away. Once more Tina found herself sobbing her heart out in a girls toilets. But this time there was no Mrs Strauss to help her come out again. The ‘end of lunch’ bell sounded, and she knew she had to pull herself together. Tina drew some deep breaths, which were jagged at first. She pried open the cubicle door and checked to make sure she was alone, and once she was sure the coast was clear she slid over to the sink to splash her face with cold water.

She looked at the red rimmed eyed reflection and shook her head, and let her hair fall back down into her face. She looked at the ground as she slowly made her way out of her sulk hole. A pair of smart sneakers fell into step next to her. She stopped. She looked up. She stared into a hazel glare that was all at once concerned and confused. Frank’s shaggy brown mane looked dishevelled. “I’m so sorry. I had to make sure you’re OK. Are you? OK, I mean,” Frank rambled nervously. Tina nodded, her lips tightly sucked in, so you couldn’t see the pink at all. “I get carried away sometimes. Your

picture is really good though, you know,” he continued. “No. I don’t know. It’s bad. Very bad. Please just leave me alone,” she replied, ashamed of her outburst, and embarrassed at how much he’d seen. She started to walk off but a soft hand was immediately on her elbow, tugging her to halt. Not aggressively, just the gentlest touch that invited rather than commanded her compliance. It made her feel better, and Tina did indeed slow to a halt. “You have soft hands,” she exclaimed. It was a foolish observation at a time like this, but it’s what struck her most in the moment. “Yeah, well, I use mild green Fairy

Liquid,” he sang to the tune of the washing up liquid jingle, smiling and holding his hands in front of him. Tina found herself giggling again. Frank really was quite funny and came out with the most surprising things at random moments. “So you’re OK, yeah?” he checked. “Yeah. Thanks. Look, I’d better get to class, but I’ll see you later, OK?” He agreed and they went their separate ways. Frank’s teacher didn’t even notice his late entrance to class. Tina’s did though. “Is everything OK?” was asked with genuine care, but made Tina feel even more awkward.

She blushed a deep crimson as she nodded and took her seat. She bit her lip, but then let a broad smile take place as she thought of Frank’s advert impression. He was a good person to know, she decided. He made her feel better about herself, and she felt she could trust him. And he clearly cared; he’d waited all that time for her to emerge from her meltdown. Time wore on, and their friendship continued to grow. Yet still Tina questioned it. Tina struggled to concentrate in class. She was thinking of a pair of hazel eyes, radiating kindness. She had come to trust Frank in such a short space of time it

was alarming. History had shown her not to trust anyone, and she’d come to rely on herself. Why was she letting him so close? He’d seen a hidden depth to her picture she’d not realised was there herself. It scared her and comforted her all at once. She felt she ought to explain more, not knowing just how much of her he’d actually pieced together. She needed him to know the truth. It was suddenly important to her. But at the same time she didn’t know if she could bring herself to say the words. How would she even start a conversation like that? Her stomach tied itself into knots, and her head hurt as all

the contradictions hit against each other. She had held so much inside for so long, it was just bursting to come out. Her instincts told her to trust kind, gentle Frank. He’d shown concern for her, which was more than a lot of people had done recently. Yes, she could tell him her story. Couldn’t she? What if he did run away? She’d be all alone again, and she’d already started to grow a relationship with him. She instinctively felt a deep connection to him and she was afraid of losing it. It was becoming a lifeline. But what if she didn’t tell him? She felt as if she’d be lying. How much had he learned from her picture? The words

he’d started to say…it was like he’d looked straight into her soul. And if he had guessed then what was the harm of filling in the blanks? She’d deliberately kept their conversations light since that day. She had avoided her dark place at all costs. She had felt herself being pulled away from the darkness by Frank. She wouldn’t let herself go back. Did talking about her past mean that’s what she’d be doing? Would it take her back to the darkness? “Tina, are you OK?” the teacher was asking her again. Tina hadn’t consciously heard her the first time. Tina raised her head over the top of her

arms, which were folded on the desk and looked bleary eyed at her inquisitor. “Yeah. I’m fine,” she said meekly. “Then eyes this way please,” her teacher said pointing towards the whiteboard. She obeyed, but her thoughts were still miles away. At the end of the day Tina, taking lots of deep breaths, made her way down the long corridor towards Frank’s classroom. She saw him walking towards her, which made her smile, then her breath caught as she remembered why she was there. “We need to talk,” she declared.

“Oooo kaaay..,” Frank replied uncertainly. “Can you come to mine? I can’t talk here.” He nodded and they headed over to Tina’s in total silence. Tina was still contemplating what to say, and Frank just didn’t know what to say. Tina opened her front door, which felt heavy. It was quite dark in the house, but she didn’t switch the lights on. Frank went to reach for the switch but she stopped him. “No, it’s better this way,” she explained and led him to the sofa. She sat as far away from him as she could. Feeling restless, Tina dashed to the

kitchen and gulped down a glass of her mum’s wine, needing some Dutch courage. Was she really going to go ahead with this lunacy? The flashbacks started coming in thick and fast, and she felt her bile rising. Just another quick sip of wine? Frank’s voice called her back to the present moment, “Tina are you OK?” She sat back down as he queried, “Tina, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Is it something I said? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he began, looking increasingly worried. He had already begun to cherish this friendship. He didn’t make friends easily and he was scared he’d just really

messed up. “No. It’s not you, it’s me,” Tina tried to say to comfort him. It just made him smirk. “I bet you say that to all the boys.” “Please. Don’t,” Tina said, trying to remain serious. “Look, my picture. You saw something in it that day.” “It was nothing. Sorry. Forget I said anything.” “Will you please just shut up? This is hard enough already.” “OK. Sorry,” Frank said, motioning zipping his lips shut. Tina turned her body so she wasn’t looking at Frank at all. “That place you said about; the one that

should have been safe? It’s here. My house. The ones who should have protected me are the ones who did me most harm.” Frank’s breath hitched, but he remained silent. It was lucky Tina couldn’t see his face. If she’d been able to see his look of horror she wouldn’t have been able to continue. He’d already guessed, but he’d hoped he was wrong. To hear Tina confirming his worst fears for her was appalling. He was shocked. “It started when I was very little,” Tina bravely went on. “My mum went out to work, leaving my dad to look after me.” She felt a hand cover her own, which

was gripping onto the sofa cushion. “You don’t have to carry on if you don’t want to,” Frank whispered hoarsely. The words were struggling to get past the lump in his throat. Tina hadn’t even felt him edge up to her. She shook her head. “No. I have to do this.” She felt a squeeze around her shoulders, and she felt some courage stir within her. She’d half expected him to have bolted out the door by now, but of course, sweet Frank wouldn’t do that. She should have known. She carried on, and told him everything.

Once she had started she couldn’t stop, even when the floodgates had opened, and she’d cried her way through the more horrific parts. She left nothing out, it was a full disclosure; the abuse, how it all came out at school, the kids tormenting her. And all the while Frank had just sat there, silently holding her together with all the strength he had. Once she’d finished she managed to look into those soft hazel eyes. They were glimmering with moisture, and tear tracks were running down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry,” he said raggedly, and kissed the top of her head. As Tina looked back up those same hazel eyes were looking straight into hers. Tina felt the electricity spike

through her like a lightning bolt. He was still here, and looking at her like that. Before she knew what she was doing her chin was tilting up, her lips were being drawn to the soft pink cushions of his mouth. It was all but a moment, but it felt like it was happening in slow motion as Tina’s mouth met Frank’s, drawing her mouth over his in a kiss she needed so badly in that moment. Frank gasped and jumped back. “What are you doing?” he asked in shock? “Kissing you,” Tina exclaimed. “No, you can’t. Tina!”

Frank’s eyes were wide, and he was beginning to ramble but she didn’t let him finish. Crestfallen, she looked down at her hands, “I’m sorry. I should’ve known you wouldn’t want anything more to do with me after that. But I had to tell you. I wanted to be honest with you. I thought, I hoped you’d understand.” Tears had returned to Tina’s world. She was sobbing, realising how foolish she’d been. She had been right all along; never tell. It only leads to bad things. Hadn’t she learned that before? Why was she so stupid? If she’d just continued like nothing had happened,

and kept her big mouth shut she still might have a chance. No. No, she wouldn’t. Why would anyone this lovely ever be interested in her? They’d shared a moment, a magical connection over art. That’s all. No more. Why had she ever thought there could be more? Tina was thinking all this and more when something cut through her inner noise. “Tina. Tina. Will you listen to me?” Frank was almost shouting. What? He was still here (she thought with surprise)? She had thought he’d run away straight after her pathetic kiss. “Tina!” His shouts were getting more frantic.

Tina shook herself. “Frank. Why are you still here?” She had to know. “Tina I’m so sorry. I thought you knew.” “Knew what? You don’t fancy me. Look I’m sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. You’re free to leave when you want. I’ll be fine on my own. I’m used to it. In fact, I prefer it.” “Tina, it’s your turn to shut up honey. I just thought you knew. I’m sorry. I should have said.” “You’re waffling,” she warned. “Yeah, sorry, right. Tina, OK. Here it is. The thing is…I’m gay.” Ohhhhh, he’s gay. The realisation

slowly dawned in Tina’s skull. She was processing the information whilst gawping like a fish, mouth wide open. “Say something,” Frank pleaded. There was still silence. “Please, don’t tell anyone. You have to promise me you won’t tell.” “Ummm. Yeah. Sorry. Of course I won’t say. But wow! OK, that makes sense. Oh my God, I kissed you. I’m so sorry.” Her gigantic error now showed itself clearly. ‘Wow how dumb,’ she thought. “It’s OK. Just maybe don’t do it again?” “No. I promise. I’m so sorry. I should have known, you’re right.”

“How would you know? I didn’t tell you, and my ‘hey I’m gay’ T-Shirt is still at the dry cleaners,” he mocked. Tina managed to giggle once more at his ludicrous statement. He was very good at those. “You’re still here,” Frank used Tina’s words back at her, but his voice was just as unsure as hers had been. “Of course I am. It’s my house,” she retorted. “OK, Smarty-pants. I’m still here. You’ve not kicked me out.” “No shit Sherlock.” “So, we’re OK? You don’t mind that I’m gay?” “Why would I mind?”

“Ummm…because a lot of people aren’t OK with that. And I’m guessing from that kiss you wanted more than I can give you?” Tina blushed, “Mmm…how’s about we never mention that kiss again?” “Oh no. That’s too good not to treasure forever.” She smacked his arm playfully, “Rat bag!” “Seriously, can we still be friends?” “I don’t know. You want to hang around with a whore?” Frank’s eyebrows shot up his forehead, “Don’t you ever let me hear you call yourself that again,” he roared. Tina was momentarily taken aback.

She’d not seen him lose his temper before, and it rose in a flash. All she could do was sit there staring at him, Guppy-like again. “Nod if you hear me,” he said more quietly. She did so. “Those boys at school were idiots. Stupid, ignorant twats. It was not your fault, Tina. You hear me?” Another nod was aimed at him. He gathered her up in his arms. “You’re a beautiful, intelligent, creative girl, and I won’t ever hear anyone say any different. You were a victim, it was not your choice.” Frank’s shirt felt wet as Tina’s tears

soaked through. He gave her one last squeeze before releasing her, so he could look her in the eyes. He placed his hands on her shoulders. “If I were straight I’d be lucky to have someone like you, Tina.” She smiled weakly as his words hit home. For maybe the first time ever she began to realise it wasn’t her fault. Her dad had made her feel that she’d seduced him, but she began to see how it was the other way round. He’d inflicted himself on her. She hadn’t known any better. It was a start. It’s not like Frank had a magic wand, but it was a tiny glimmer of hope that she may change her perspective of the events of her past.

Tina was sleeping soundly by the time her mum came home from her shift. She was exhausted after her confession to Frank, but she felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders a little. When they’d said goodbye he’d given her another hug, but Tina felt differently about that contact now. When she was alone in her bed she’d laid there thinking about Frank. She’d been so confused, and so lost she’d not noticed the subtle signals that might have alerted her to his sexuality. She cringed as she remembered her pathetic attempt to kiss him. She was so embarrassed. But now she had space to think it made sense.

Never had she felt so at ease with a boy before. He’d gained entry into her personal space without her flinching. She’d misconstrued that as a result of her attraction to him. But no, it was the total lack of threat he posed. Not once had he tried to impose himself on her. He hadn’t pawed at her, or leered. In fact, he’d never done anything but be her friend. She let the warm feelings of his assured friendship wash over her now. He knew her story and hadn’t fled, and likewise, she now knew his story too. They were custodians of each other’s secret. She felt a pure love she had never known could exist. And it was with these happy thoughts and feelings

that she drifted off into her safe, comforted sleep. Tina couldn’t wait to see her friend when she got up the next morning. She got ready hurriedly and rushed to college. But when she saw Frank in the corridor her steps faltered, and she slowed. She suddenly didn’t know how to approach him. He had seen her and was now looking concerned. His head tipped slightly to one side as he tried to guess what she was doing. As always, it didn’t take him long to realise her predicament, and he opened up his arms to welcome her to him. Grinning, she sped back up to get her morning hug.

“Thank you,” she whispered against his shoulder. Frank dipped his mouth to her ear, and whispered ever so softly, “Just because I don’t want to fuck you doesn’t mean you can’t touch me.” The sensation of his whisper tickled right through her, but she heard his words. She felt a little sad. Frank was such a gorgeous young man, and she would have loved to have him as a boyfriend, but she knew that could never be. He caught the sadness in her eyes as she pulled away. “Hey, smile please,” he said gently. And ever willing to obey, she complied. This was going to take some getting used to, but she’d get there. Tina

valued Frank’s friendship above all things. His was perhaps the first genuine kindness she’d ever known. They reluctantly parted ways to go to class. Frank really wanted to talk more. He wanted to be sure his friend was OK. There was so much sadness in her, and he wanted to chase it all away.

Chapter 7 – Frank’s Truth The platonic pair met up at lunch time, and Tina was relieved to do something ‘normal’ with Frank. As they sat chatting inconsequentially her anxieties and what-ifs disintegrated. The heating was on, and with all the people in the canteen it got really hot. Frank rolled up his shirt sleeves. Tina was tracing the fine sinews of his forearms with her eyes, chastising herself for thinking naughty thoughts, when suddenly she did a double take. “What did you do?” she asked, nodding at the bruising showing just under his sleeve. Frank pulled his sleeves down sharply.

“Nothing.” “OK, now it’s something. I just thought you’d been clumsy. Why won’t you tell me?” “It’s nothing you want to know about,” he rebuked defensively. “Hang on. I tell you all about my nightmare life, but you don’t have to tell me your story? Who are the trolls in your painting?” Tina bit out. She was getting annoyed at the imbalance suddenly looming between them. Frank took a breath, opened his mouth to say something, but then firmly closed his lips again. “Well?” she asked, raising an eyebrow

at him. “Fine, but not here,” he muttered. “Is it safe at yours again this afternoon?” He started fidgeting with his fingers. Tina began to feel guilty. Sometimes she was just so stroppy. “Look, I’m sorry. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” “No. You’re right. It’s not fair. I owe you my whole story. I’ll see you later, okay?” It was Frank’s time to fear the moment of revelation this time. He spent a very uncomfortable day, mulling over how he’d even begin to tell Tina about his troubles. Could she understand? How could

anyone imagine the feelings of alienation when they’d not been through it? He’d been bullied by people who saw his isolation as a sign of weakness; it had made him an easy target. He’d been reviled by his father, and now felt like an outcast in his own home. He’d been made to feel like there was something wrong with him; a disease that should be hidden away. And here he was, about to take the bandage off and show his hideous truth to his friend. Tina was a great girl, even though there would never be a romantic involvement he couldn’t imagine his life without her in it. He’d been alone for so long he

couldn’t bear it if his only friend retreated. She had seem fine with the fact he was gay, but she’d also been disappointed. And then there was the way she was already treating him differently. She’d almost not even said hello this morning. He was seriously worried she was already considering pulling away. What if his story put the final nail in that coffin? But then what was a friendship worth if you couldn’t be yourself? God knew Frank had not been himself for years, and it was getting boring. He hoped more than anything that with Tina he could reveal his true self. It would be pure bliss to be able to just relax with one person, to have a respite

from ‘the show’. Frank was agonising over his dilemma all the way to Tina’s house. Her mum was still thankfully at work. He had time to tell his tale, to roll the dice and see where they lay. He and Tina walked into the house in complete silence. Tina hadn’t quite known what to say, sensing something big was waiting to unfold, and knowing it had to wait until they were alone. Tina went into the kitchen and snuck a small glass of red wine from her mum’s box which sat on the counter. It was her mum’s habit to down a glass at the end of “a long shift”, which to Tina seemed to be all of them. But she didn’t feel it was her place to say

anything. “Here, you look like you could use this,” she said handing the glass to Frank. He smiled at her as he accepted the ‘Dutch courage’ and checked whether her mum would mind. “It’s the joy of her having boxes of the stuff,” Tina admitted, “she never notices if a bit goes astray. “You do this often?” Frank asked. “No. Just occasionally, you know, just for medicinal purposes,” she winked. She took a seat on the sofa next to her confidant. “So, why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this?” she asked warily.

“Probably ‘cos you’re not,” Frank replied awkwardly. “Oh God, right. Well, you know I’m gay. Well, you’re one of a very select few that do. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s not I hid it just from you or anything. I mean. I try to hide it from everyone. I have to.” “Why?” Tina asked when Frank started to struggle for words. “Two words; my dad. The bruises? They’re from him. He gets carried away sometimes. He’s not an arsehole. Not like yours. I mean…oh I’m saying this all wrong. It’s just he…my dad hates me being gay. To him I’m not. Not anymore. “When I was growing up there were signs, just little things that made him realise I’m not normal. I was more

interested in helping my mum bake than helping my dad in the garden. I hated getting my hands grubby. I resisted any attempts he made to make me play football. I was always quiet and thoughtful. I wouldn’t thunder around the house yelling at the top of my voice. “Over the years all those little things added up. I hit my teens and wasn’t showing any interest in girls, but I’d look at the boys passing me by in the street. And my dad tried, oh God how he tried…” Frank’s voice cracked as he tried to hold back the tears. He drew his thumb and finger in towards his nose, as if trying to squeeze out the pain which had accumulated there.

“It’s okay,” Tina soothed. “Take your time.” She grabbed his free hand and rubbed it gently with her thumb. “I’m still here.” Boosted by this small gesture of reassurance Frank took a few deep breaths before continuing. “The funny thing is it’d be most boys’ dream,” he sneered. “My dad would buy me lads mags, trying to get me interested in all the titties, but they just made me feel sick. When I was alone I’d desperately flick through the pages trying to find pictures of men.” Frank covered his face with his hands. “When I fantasised it was with the

images of men in my head. And then I’d cry afterwards, ashamed of my depravity.” Tears were flowing down his cheeks now, as he made his confession. “My dad had tried talking to me nicely, explaining it wasn’t God’s way to make someone like this. That I should be interested in girls. He explained how homosexuality is a sin. He doesn’t even go to church every week, the hypocrite,” Frank bit the words out through clenched teeth. “But then apparently that’s my fault too. He felt unworthy of the house of God. How could he go to worship when his very own son was a sinner? It only got worse as time went by. Then one day he

pushed me. He shoved me backwards, making me stumble. He dared me to retaliate “I’ll make a man of you yet,” he shouted at me. I was stunned. I didn’t know what to do. “He shoved me again, “come on then, fight me,” he spat as he put his face right up to mine. I’ve never seen him so angry. And all the pent up anger and selfloathing just bubbled up inside me. Before I knew what I was doing I shoved him back. I’m so ashamed of myself now, but I couldn’t help it. I was yelling back at him, “ is this what you want? Is it?” I screamed as I pushed harder. He shoved back and I nearly fell. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I thought he was going to kill me.

“You should have seen his face. He pulled his fist back, but before he unleashed his fury I let go of mine. I punched my dad. I caught him square in the jaw. I had never hit anyone before. It hurt like hell. But not as much as his return swing. “I was off school for a week until my black eye subsided enough for me to show my face again. My mum wrote a note saying I had flu. She always takes his side. When my dad hit me I fell on the floor. He stepped closer so he could look down on me. You know what he said?” Tina shook her head. “That’s more like it,” Frank was shaking his head, “Can you believe that?

The son-of-a-bitch actually smiled as if he’d achieved some great victory. “After that I decided it was safer for me to play his game. On the days I had PE I’d stay behind after school. I’d tell my parents I was playing football. They never twigged as my kit was returned dirty. I don’t know if they knew I was lying and happy to go along with the deception, or whether they genuinely believed me. But I’d stay behind in the school library. It was quiet and it felt safe. It was a million times better than going home, and I could sit and draw undisturbed by anyone. It was the happiest time of my week. Shit, that sounds tragic,” he sighed. “So, that’s how you didn’t know I was gay.”

“Shit Frank. I don’t know what to say,” Tina said softly, feeling confused. She was hurt, sad and angry all at once for her friend. “I made the mistake of confiding in a friend at school. You should have seen him. It was like I had said I’d grown two heads. He physically backed away from me, like I was suddenly going to make a pass at him, or something. “Then the bullying started. I’d find ‘fag’ painted on my locker. Boys would walk up behind me; on good days they’d mock me. On bad days they’d corner me in a classroom and kick the crap out of me. My dad was reassured that I was getting into fist fights. “Can you imagine that? The person

who should have been protecting me was actually on my tormentor’s side. He thought it was a sign I was ‘manning up’ and rough housing. He refused to see it for what it was; homophobic assault.” “So the bruises on your arm?” Tina asked, trying to encourage Frank to continue. He shook his head. “No. That was just my dad. He started getting worried the gayness was returning and pinned me to the wall by my arms. He was just interrogating me. Of course, I told him I’m straight. No way I’m ever going there again. What the hell do you think he’d do if he actually knew rather than just thought I’m gay? Fuck, he might actually kill me,” Frank

hung his head, and felt his despair surround him. “My father hates me. And still all I want to do is make him proud.” “Frank, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.” “At least your dad’s in prison. Mine’s still fucking me,” Frank blurted out. He took one look at Tina, at the pain his words caused her. He gasped, “Oh Tina. I’m so sorry. That was an awful thing to say.” He was reaching for her hands, but she withdrew from him. “Tina, fuck. I didn’t mean it. Shit. I’m so so sorry. I was so wrapped up... Please. Please don’t hate me. Sorry.

Fuck, I’m so sorry,” he was crying again now. Tina’s heart broke. She knew he didn’t mean what he had said. It still hurt like hell, but she knew he was just angry. She reached out and held his hand. “It’s OK. But I think I need some of that,” she said taking the now half empty glass of wine from Frank. She took a sip, then another. It felt good. Its warmth spread through her. She gulped down some more. “Steady,” Frank warned her. “Or what? What’s going to happen?” she grinned, downing the rest of the glass. She strode into the kitchen and poured

a glass of wine for herself, and a fresh one for Frank. “OK, but your mum’s going to notice.” “So what? What’s she going to do? We’ve already faced the worst, right?” “Right,” Frank chimed as he clinked their glasses together. “Bottoms up!” “In your dreams,” Tina teased. Frank almost spat his wine back out. “You witch!” he yelped, but he was grinning. Then he started giggling, which led to him laughing. Tina was laughing along with him. It wasn’t that what she’d said was funny. It was quite insulting, if anything. But it was a catalyst. They’d both relived the horrors of their

childhood in the telling of their tales, but it felt good to share it. It was no longer a dirty secret hidden away from the rest of the world. They had each found someone to confide in, and it bound them together all the more closely. It felt good to shed some of the load; it was cathartic. And once they started laughing they couldn’t stop. Neither of them were used to drinking, and it really didn’t take much for them to get drunk. They chatted and watched a film as they drank themselves into oblivion. It was the best night of their lives. They found a freedom with each other that had been lacking so badly before.

For that one night they felt like they could do anything, be anything. Their souls soared like the proverbial bird set free from its cage. They finally collapsed in a heap on the sofa together and fell sound asleep, at least until Tina’s mum got home. Well actually, fortunately for them it had been a very long hard shift for Deborah, and she didn’t turn any lights on, didn’t go into the lounge or even the kitchen for her usual wine. She just went straight upstairs to bed, where she just about managed to change out of her clothes before collapsing onto her bed and into a deep sleep. So the pair slept soundly, and woke in the morning with rather sore heads. They

felt awful and both swore not to drink again as they staggered into the kitchen for some much needed water. They were as quiet as possible so as not to awake the slumbering Deborah. Frank made sure Tina was OK and left as quickly, worrying about what his father was going to do to him when he got home. Tina was left to quietly clean up and dispense of the evidence of their illicit evening. Frank tried to let himself into his house quietly, but his father was waiting for him. “Where the hell have you been? Your mother’s been worried sick,” he bellowed as soon as Frank was through

the front door. “Round Tina’s. Sorry. I should have called...” he began, but was interrupted by his shocked father. “Tina? And just who is Tina?” “She’s my girlfriend if you must know,” he blurted out without thinking. Well, she was a girl and she was a friend, so he wasn’t exactly lying. “Your girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?” His father’s attitude had completely changed, and was that a hint of a smile? Frank merely nodded, and found himself swept up in his dad’s arms. “Oh my boy, I knew it was just a phase. I’m so happy for you. The Lord has

blessed us.” He was so happy that Frank couldn’t bring himself to correct him now. Besides, he hoped it would keep the old man off his case. And you know what? It did. His father grilled him for more details, and then insisted on meeting the girl who had “turned his son”. Frank suspected this was his father’s way of making sure his son was truly straight. It made him feel sick to his stomach, but he wanted his father to be happy for him. He desperately wanted his father to be proud of him. And he was even more anxious not to go through another beating.

He had underplayed the incident when he’d told Tina. He’d been really quite seriously injured and lived in fear that one day his father would actually kill him should he reveal the truth about his sexuality. It was a very awkward conversation at college on the following Monday, but Tina was surprisingly agreeable. “Tina. Look. I’m really sorry, but when I got home my dad was ready to tear strips off me for being out all night. When he asked where I’d been I told him I had been at yours. And, well, he assumed you were my girlfriend, and I didn’t correct him.” Tina actually laughed. “Wow, I’m privileged,” she chuckled.

“Yeah, but he wants to meet you. You know, like proof.” “He wants to meet me?” That stopped the laughter quite rapidly. “Yeah. He says you’re to come round for dinner Friday night. Is that a problem? Am I asking too much from our friendship to ask you to do this for me? Will you go along with it? Please?” “Of course. Frank, I want you to be happy. If this is what it takes so be it.” She put an arm around his shoulders. Then her face dropped. “Oh, but mum’s going to be home. I’ll have to ask her.” “Will she mind?” Tina snorted, “Ha. Weird, isn’t it?

Here I am pretending to be your girlfriend. And I think I’ll be doing the opposite. I’ll have to tell her I’m going round a girl friend’s house. No way would she let me go round a boy’s house.” “I don’t get it. Doesn’t she want you to be happy?” “No. I don’t think she does,” she admitted sadly. “It’s like she blames me for stealing her husband, so now I can’t ever have a boy of my own. I don’t deserve it in her eyes. At least, that’s what I think. I just know she forbids contact with the opposite sex. I’m surprised she didn’t send me off to an all girl’s school, or something. Not that it matters. I’m not

exactly up for a relationship. Maybe I should turn gay too?” “Don’t. Please,” Frank interrupted, suddenly serious. “It’s not something to joke about.” “Shit. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. No. I know it’s not something people choose.” She was blushing wildly. “It’s OK. I’m sorry. I’m just a bit sensitive about it. I know you weren’t being serious. Ignore it.” It was his turn to look sheepish. Tina looked at him and then laughed. “What are we like?” she guffawed and gave her mate a hug. So it was arranged, somewhat awkwardly and with many lies being

told, Tina was allowed out Friday night. There was a nervous moment when Frank’s father wanted to pick Tina up from her house, but they managed to arrange it so she just went home with Frank straight from college. She was so nervous, and was slightly overdressed for the occasion, both of which actually helped with the deception. Frank’s father naturally assumed the nerves were because the girl was meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time, and had overdressed to create a good impression. ‘Just as any nice girl should’, Frank’s father mused to himself. The dinner was incredibly uncomfortable, and was more of an

interrogation. “So, where did you two meet?” Frank’s father asked, peering down his nose and with a cocked eyebrow. “At college,” was Tina’s shaky yet short answer. “I see. And what are you studying?” “Finance.” “But you met Frank at college, despite him studying a completely different subject?” He really hated his son doing Art & Design, but Frank had assured him it was so he could get into design more, perhaps even car design. His father chose to believe that. “Well, yes sir. You see, I was in the

library studying…” Tina fidgeted with the corners of her napkin and cast her eyes downwards as she replied. “Oh, so you do study then?” he asked with some surprise. “Oh yes. I need to get good grades. I’m hoping to become an accountant.” “An accountant?” he asked incredulously. “Well, yes…” Tina was suddenly worried she had said something wrong. But Frank’s father let the corners of his mouth edge into the start of a smile. At least Tina thought it was a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes, and she thought it could just as easily have been gas. “How unusual. I’m not sure I’ve ever

met anyone your age with such an ambition.” “Well numbers have always just been ‘my thing’. They make sense to me and I enjoy mathematics.” “Hmm…very well,” he said as if he was passing judgement, which of course he was. “And what does your father do?” Tina’s breath hitched and she flinched a little. She’d not expected that question, at least, not yet. It came at her like a side swipe. She paused to take a sip of her drink to give herself time to compose herself. “He’s away. He’s in the army.” Fortunately, this fabrication had been constructed long ago by her mother, so it

tripped off her tongue without too much trouble. But she still felt unsettled. “Oh, I see. That must be a struggle. Do you move around a lot?” “Oh no. He gets sent away, but my mother had always told him she didn’t want to move from town to town. We really don’t see much of him, but she thinks it’s better for my education this way.” “Well, that sounds like good reasoning to me. So, your mother takes care of you and the house?” “Yes, and a million other people.” This caused the eyebrow to get raised in her direction again, so she explained, “She’s a nurse.”

“Ah, a veritable Florence Nightingale, eh?” “Something like that,” Tina agreed glumly. Mind you, she pondered to herself, she also had a reputation for being a bit of a hardnosed bitch, didn’t she? A little smirk appeared on her face, but it went unnoticed as Frank had chosen that moment to take hold of her hand to give it a squeeze. Her smirk turned into a smile at her friend. His eyes were glistening in wonder at how well she was doing. Not many would stand up to his father’s scrutiny, yet there she was shining like a star.

The interrogation continued over dessert, but finally they were allowed to escape up to Franks’ room. “Don’t get up to any funny business, mind you,” his father warned, whilst secretly hoping they did, just to assuage any last suspicions he had. But for now he was satisfied that that nasty phase had passed, and his son was indeed not gay. He let a sigh of relief escape as he admitted that thought to himself. The young couple certainly had run up those stairs giggling like a pair in love. Again, that almost smile (maybe gas) look crossed his facial features. Once safely ensconced in his room, Frank gave his friend a hug and

whispered, “I can’t believe you just did that. Thank you so much. I owe you big time.” Tina breathed out long and slowly, “Phewww, I’d say you’re welcome but oh my God, is he a former member of the Gestapo or something? Wow!” “I’m so sorry. I never thought he’d be that bad.” “Well, it’s all over with. So what do we do now?” she asked with a naughty smile. “Be-have,” he mocked. “I think I have some etchings around here somewhere, if you care to look?” he winked wickedly. “Well, as I know you must actually have some artwork I will gladly accept

your kind offer,” she grinned. Frank delved into the back of his wardrobe, where he’d stashed a portfolio away from his parents’ prying eyes. “These are the ones about them,” he confessed, pulling out some pieces of paper. “Your mum’s really quiet,” Tina said as she started looking at the pictures. “I don’t think she has much choice. You’ve met my father.” “Yeah, she’d struggle to get a word in edgewise.” “I do worry about her. Not that dad would ever hurt her, or anything. But she just seems so hidden. It’s almost as if she’s not there. Her job is to keep the house looking nice and to put food on the

table. I don’t even know how or why they got married.” “Why don’t you ask them?” Frank’s raised eyebrow made her laugh. “Oh no, I know where you get that from now.” “What?” “That questioning eyebrow thing you do; it’s just like your dad.” “No. Oh my God, please tell me I’m not like him,” he pleaded urgently. “Calm down. It’s only one mannerism. I don’t think it qualifies you as his exact copy or anything. “These are great,” she added, quickly changing the subject, referring to the pictures. “This one, I can really see your

father in it.” It was a close up of a face, painted in reds and blues. The anger was blatantly obvious. But at the same time it was featureless. It was a mass of jagged patterns. “I hope he never sees it. I’m not sure he’d get it, but I don’t want to take that risk.” Tina carried on flicking through. She started to get really worried about her friend; there were pages and pages of hurt and anger. Then she came across an image done in the softest pastels. It was like a meadow of delicate flowers. Tina could almost smell their gentle scent wafting on a breeze. It was as if

one was looking at the meadow through a soft misty haze. You could see the colours, but only faintly. “Your mother,” Tina stated. Frank nodded, biting his lip. Tina rubbed his upper arm. “She’ll be OK,” she told him. “I hope so,” he sighed.

Chapter 8 – New Beginnings Now, some may think, well Tina has done her duty and that was that. But over the course of the next year there were several invitations to Frank’s house, and each time she had to sit through a dreadful formal meal, and keep up the pretence of her role as girlfriend. It was torture, but what else could she do? Frank was her only friend and she wanted to protect him. Fortunately, she managed to invite Frank round to her house more (obviously when her mum was at work), and they had many fun evenings together chatting and drawing. One project they set themselves was to

do a portrait of each other. They were both fine pieces of art, but staring out of the eyes of each was a galaxy of hurt and pain, a sadness which is hard to explain, but it was there nonetheless. They silently acknowledged each other’s misery; some things don’t need to be said out loud, and this was certainly one of those things. They both worked incredibly hard at college, each spurred on by the compulsion to leave home and become independent, desperate to make another life for themselves. A huge break for freedom came in the form of driving lessons. They both passed their driving tests,

but only Frank’s father could afford to buy a car, and he kindly put Tina on the insurance, as they lived fairly close to each other, and he was happy to encourage the heterosexual relationship in any way he could. The joy of this newfound freedom was unimaginable. The two could go anywhere they wanted when they wanted. On weekends in dry weather they would drive out and find scenes to draw, the forest still being one of their favourites. There were always different flowers or animals or plants to capture. And when they were trapped alone in their own darkness at home they would gaze upon the happy times and escape

into the pages, reminiscing on the feelings of freedom. The pair were thought of as a couple, not only by Frank’s parents, but their classmates at college too. They spent all their free time together, and so people naturally assumed they were ‘an item’. They were both scared of relationships; Frank was terrified his father would find out, and more than a little nervous what he would do with a boyfriend. Besides (he tried to convince himself), there were very few gay boys at college, and fewer still whom he fancied. He almost convinced himself there was nobody eligible for him.

Tina too was happy to hide behind the façade. Given her previous horrendous experience of having a boyfriend she really was in no hurry to fail again. She couldn’t even bring herself to masturbate properly, let alone have sexual relations with another human being. Each time she tried to pleasure herself she had flashbacks of her childhood. Tina was incredibly resourceful, and had (with the help of her tutor) managed to get a job as an office junior in an accountancy firm. The pay was poor and she was there to do the menial office tasks, which she found boring, but they supported her to obtain her AAT (Association of Accounting Technicians)

qualification, with a view to her then going on to study for ACCA (Association of Chartered Certified Accountants). She started her job just as soon as college was over. Her mother of course, demanded some of her earnings, but she managed to squirrel away some savings and petrol money. With Frank at university she was now custodian of the car (as he wasn’t allowed it on campus). Frank had found a Fine Art undergraduate course locally and managed to convince his father it would lead to a reputable enough job (as an art gallery curator). His first year (like most other students)

he stayed in ‘halls’. His father was reluctant on this too, but he eventually saw the benefits of him socialising with people his own age, and how he’d learn more if he had continuous contact with his fellow students (as Frank had put it to him). Frank was soon initiated in the rights of passage (otherwise known as Fresher’s Week). He learned that he got drunk very quickly, with some rather unpleasant after effects, but he was not alone in this. And being on a course with likeminded people, he actually managed to get a good group of friends. For the first time in his life he felt accepted by his peers. This was bliss; freedom and happiness.

What more could he want? His father’s watchful eye was no longer upon him 24/7, and he was making his first steps into the world. He felt independent (even though his father was bankrolling his studies etc.). He could do as he pleased; no pretend girlfriend required (unless he went home). His group of friends were a motley crew really. Most of them were on his course, but there were a few ‘randoms’ too. Take Fiona’s boyfriend for example; he was studying Chemistry and seemed to have the opposite personality of his girlfriend. Frank was half expecting Fiona to produce an extraordinarily

beautiful yet surreal image of some sort of organism or strand of DNA, perhaps in dark Gothic colours, being Fiona. She did tend to stray towards the dark side, but then that’s why he liked talking to her. They could have great conversations on the intricacies of life, and different people’s perspectives of it. They would sit for hours deep in conversation about the merits of embracing light from the darkness, seeking passive resolutions to conflict etc. Fiona seemed to think that only when you’re enveloped in total darkness can you find the purest light to combat it. Frank hoped she was right. If it was one thing he knew it was darkness.

Some of the group had been friends for years. That’s how Jake ended up joining their social group, despite studying Law and coming from a different social scene initially. He was friends with Andy, who was on Frank’s course. And, as it turns out Jake had a good appreciation of art too, which drew Frank’s interest in his direction. Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that Jake was supremely good looking and had a ‘naughty boy’ smile, or anything. No, Frank was just attracted to Jake’s intellectually stimulating conversation. Well, OK, other things may have been stimulated by him too. But Frank wasn’t

going there. They did all have one thing in common, apart from being at university; they all loved to have a good time. I know, shocking, right? They all went clubbing (naturally), but they also loved their coffee culture. Any combination of the gang could often be found in their local coffee house at different times, discussing any number of topics, but of course, art was the most common of these. One of them laughed about how they were the modern Pre-Raphaelites. The group had a great dynamic, liking an eclectic mix of artists and styles, from A’Becket to Zynsky, from Abstract Expressionism to Symbolism, including

painting, sculpture and installation. The more Frank explored art movements, the more he was drawn to Romanticism. He liked the emotional depths the artists plunged into, often blending heroes with dramatic landscapes. It seemed to resonate with his own inner turmoil. He reached out for a softer, brighter, more beautiful life out of the turmoil of his childhood. Attempting to paint in this style let his creative juices flow more rapidly, and gave him a place to explore remote and exotic worlds. Without fully realising it, by delving into the realms created by the likes of Carl Gustav Carus, Caspar David Friedrich and Eugene Delacroix, Frank

was seeking a deeper spiritual truth, something that would give him meaning or purpose in his life. Sometimes he’d look at their work and think, “It’s like they reached into my soul and put it onto canvas.” Frank hadn’t forgotten his best friend Tina by the way. At weekends he would regularly invite her into his social circle. She had been more than reluctant at first. “I can’t go out,” she’d explain. “I haven’t got the right outfit.” When he got too fed up with that excuse he actually went out and bought an outfit for her, and produced it the next time she used it. She merely smiled awkwardly and had to confess, “I’m not ready yet, Frank.”

“You’ll never be ready until you do it. Please please pleeeaase come out with us.” “Why’s this so important to you?” He shrugged. “I want you to be happy,” was his simple response. “I’m just not sure it’s a good idea.” “I’m not asking you to date any of them. Just come out for a drink. It’ll do you good to let your hair down a bit. You’re stuck in an office of accountants all day.” “Hey, they’re not zombies. They are still human.” “Yeah, but it’s not exactly riveting work, is it? Come, have fun.” “Hmm…so, who would be there?”

“Well, Fiona and her boyfriend. She’s great, and I just know you’ll get on with her. I’ll keep the numbers down, I promise. Just one little drink…?” He pouted as he pleaded. Tina rolled her eyes. “Fine, just one drink. And you’ll be there right next to me, and if I panic you will take me straight home?” “Of course. Thanks Tina. You won’t regret it.” And she didn’t regret it. They went to one of the quieter pubs where Frank’s group of friends could talk. He had warned them all that his friend was shy, but they welcomed her with open arms.

Fiona was indeed the first to say hello. She fought the urge to get up and hug her (for fear of spooking her), but she looked up from her seat and smiled as Tina pigeon stepped towards the table. “You must be Tina. I saved you a seat,” Fiona said, patting a stool next to her. Tina shuffled over and sat down, feeling glad she wasn’t standing there, sticking out like a sore thumb. “Frank said you like drawing Fantasy Art..?” Fiona half queried. Looking down at her lap, and smiling shyly Tina admitted, “Yeah, but I don’t think it’s very good.” “Nonsense. If Frank likes it I’m sure it’s brilliant. He’s got a discerning eye for these things.”

Starting to relax a little, Tina happily started talking more about her friend than herself. The two girls had found common ground and were happy as lambs. By the time drink three turned up Jake sidled up to them. “Is this a private party, or can anyone join in?” This was said in a most charmingly cheeky way. “Tina this is Jake, Jake this is Tina.” Fiona announced. Introductions having been made the conversation about Frank continued. Frank meanwhile was just out of earshot, keeping a friendly distance to allow Tina her space to get acquainted,

whilst being close enough to step in should she start to show signs of distress. He needn’t have worried. He was so proud of her. She was getting a great reaction with his friends. Tina gradually started gaining her confidence. She went out with Frank’s circle a few times and found she was braver than she’d given herself credit for. She still felt intimidated by busy places, but was fine with these pub trips, where she could hide away in a corner with her new friends helping to keep guard.

Chapter 9 – Attraction It wasn’t long before one of his friends started catching Frank’s eye more. The odd glances would last a little bit longer. The air would sizzle between them, before dying down as they were tugged back into conversation by the others. There was a moment when they were out in the pub; when Jake was putting Frank’s pint glass down and their hands brushed, and Frank thought his world was exploding. Just that one simple touch ignited so many wondrous feelings. He daren’t look at his friend. In fact, he looked in the opposite direction.

He fidgeted in his seat, hoping his sudden erection wasn’t showing. He checked to make sure his lap was hidden under the table. He blushed, feeling as if the whole world were watching him. He heard laughter; one of his friends had obviously said something funny which he was oblivious to. He plastered on a grin, but out of the corner of his eyes he saw Jake’s smiling face cast a glance in his direction. That tension was back in a heartbeat. Frank excused himself and went to the toilets. He splashed cold water on his face, but that did nothing but make him wet. He took a deep breath; he was panicking.

The world felt like it was caving in on him whilst simultaneously spinning out of control. He passed by his table of friends, muttering something about, “Sorry guys. I’m not feeling well. It must’ve been that dodgy canteen food. I’m just going to call it a night.” “Already? But we only just got here,” one of the group griped. “Yeah. Sorry. I thought I’d be OK once I was out, but I’m not. There’s no point torturing myself. You guys have fun.” And with that he beat a hasty retreat before anyone could stop him. “I hope he’s OK. He was looking awfully flushed,” Fiona said, sounding concerned.

“I’m sure he’s fine. I’ll check on him later,” Jake volunteered. “Just make sure you do. He shouldn’t be on his own if he’s that unwell.” Feeling reassured that one of them would check on him they carried on with their night without another thought of Frank. Frank in the meantime had gone back to his room. He felt utterly ridiculous. What the hell was wrong with him? He was letting his imagination run wild (he tried to convince himself). It was an innocent touching of hands. It didn’t mean anything. He didn’t even know if Jake was gay.

No, he was being absurd. But he couldn’t go back now. He’d made such a fuss about being ill. He couldn’t waltz back in having made a miraculous recovery. He flumped down on his bed. He got up and paced around. He sank back down. He did this numerous times, and started to annoy even himself. He shook his head ‘Get a grip,’ he whispered to himself, running his hands through his hair. Lying back down on his bed his teeth bit into his lower lip as he smiled. Jake’s hands were lovely and soft. And his wavy, soft dirty blonde hair was so tempting. Every so often he got a waft of some heavenly scent as he sat next to his

friend. Oh, but the way he looked at him tonight! Those blue eyes looking at only him, with those beautiful lips smiling. Those lips he would love to kiss, but dared not to. ‘I bet they taste of strawberry lip balm’ Frank pondered. ‘They do look very pink; he must use some sort of tinted thing’. ‘Would a straight man use lip balm?’ Frank got up to go to the loo. He didn’t bother pulling his jeans back on. He kicked them to the side of the bathroom. By the time he got back to his bed there was a trail of clothes in his wake. ‘Might as well turn in for the night’, he thought despondently. ‘I’d really like to find out about those lips though.’ His

mind was wandering back to Jake. His nostrils flared as his senses remembered the fresh, clean aroma of Jake’s aftershave. He breathed in deeply as his hand found his cock. Frank imagined walking back into the bar. ‘Sorry, I forgot to tell Jake something…’ he’d say as he strode up to him and kissed Jake’s inviting lips. The whole pub would gawp at them, and they wouldn’t care. Jake’s tongue would find his own, and they’d lap at each other, hungry for more. Frank’s hand would reach up to Jake’s cheek, and bring him closer. ‘I’ve wanted to do that for the longest time,’ Jake would confess. He would follow Frank out of the pub, and they’d run up the road to

Frank’s room. They’d be laughing as they climbed the stairs two a time in their haste. Frank’s hand would be shaking as he started stripping. But Jake would keep getting in furtive, reassuring kisses. Jake would look deep into his eyes, longingly and lovingly. Frank would lie on his bed, and Jake would be next to him. At last he would know what it was like to have a warm body next to his. Frank cried out as his hand stroked his cock faster. He imagined Jake’s hand in the place of his, rubbing him steadily whilst kissing him. “Aaahhhoooaaahhh,” Frank cried as he came, sadly by his own hand.

Almost immediately Frank felt deflated, knowing he’d never have that amount of courage. And even if he did, Jake would probably turn out to be straight, so his efforts would be rewarded with mockery and rejection. He was just a freak. He thought about phoning Tina to help cheer him up, but he decided it was too late for that. So he just sulked his way into a fitful sleep. Frank slept in the next morning. It was Saturday and there was nothing to get up for. He just laid there, moping about his lost chance. He was beating himself up for being a coward. But how could he do anything but what he did?

He was accepted by a group of friends for the first time in his life, and he wasn’t about to go and mess it all up by coming on to a guy who may or may not be gay. He felt hopeless, and that happiness he’d glimpsed seemed to diminish. There was a knock at his door. He couldn’t see any sign of his roommate. ‘Well, at least somebody got lucky,’ he thought as he heaved himself out of bed. This was probably him now, and he’d just forgotten his key. Frank realised, just as the knock was repeated that he was stark bollock naked. “Hang on a minute,” he shouted in the direction of the door, as he grabbed his bath robe, and tightly fastened the belt.

He may share a room with someone, but that someone didn’t need to see his bits this early in the day (or at all if Frank could help it). Frank’s jaw dropped as he opened the door to a dirty blonde, who was looking as impeccable as ever. And there he was a scrunched up mess. Frank willed the world to open up and swallow him into a hole, which of course it neglected to do. “Morning. And how’s the patient this morning?” Jake asked good naturedly. “Mmm, a bit better I think, thanks.” Frank scratched his head, not quite sure how to phrase the next sentence. “I don’t mean to sound rude, but what are you doing here?”

Jake walked in with a carrier bag in hand. “Well, Fiona mentioned she was worried when you left, so I promised her I’d drop by. I brought goodies in case you felt up to eating,” he announced, holding up the bag as evidence. God, did he have to smile like that? Would it be too forward to ask if he was on offer as one of the “goodies”? Frank decided yes, it would be far too bold of him. “Ummm…thanks.” ‘Wow, let him know how you feel’, Frank inwardly chastised himself. “So, you up for it?” “Sorry?” Frank’s eyes popped out on

stalks (talk about forward!). “Breakfast?” Jake clarified. “You sure you’re feeling OK? You still look a bit feverish.” Jake put a hand to Frank’s forehead, almost making him swoon in the process. “Maybe I need to sit down,” Frank suggested as he wandered over back to his bed. “Toast or bagels?” “Just toast is fine. Thank you.” “Be back in a jiffy,” Jake said as he made his way to the shared kitchen, leaving the door on the latch. Frank collapsed back on his bed. Was he dreaming? Or did Jake really just come into his room?

He sat bolt upright; ‘shit!’ He quickly ran through to the bathroom, picking up his discarded clothes. He didn’t have time for a shower unfortunately, but he did run a brush through his hair, and quickly sprayed some deodorant on. Oh, and a pair of boxers. He really wasn’t up to displaying his crown jewels just yet, so he quickly swiped a clean pair from his drawer. He had just about pulled them on when the door opened again. Phew! Jake was carrying a tray with hot buttered toast and a cup of tea. He made Frank sit down and eat his offering, whilst he took a chair nearby and watched.

“Aren’t you eating?” “No, I ate before I came over. I wasn’t sure if you’d be up for it.” Jake explained, whilst wearing his signature smile. That twinkle was in his eyes too. Did he mean that double entendre? Frank shook his head as he munched his way through his toast. He ate in silence. Neither one of the boys knew what to say or do. Once Frank had finished his breakfast Jake got up and took his plate and empty mug. “OK, back off to bed with you. You need rest. I’ll see you when I see you. Text me if you need anything else.” And with that he dashed out to wash up

and get back on his merry way. Frank sat in the same spot, dumbfounded. ‘What the fuck??’ He was more confused than ever. Jake just made him breakfast? Yes. Yes, that actually just happened. But he only did so because Fiona had been worried? And he didn’t exactly stay around to chat. Was it just civic duty? But he thought he saw… no. His imagination was running wild. If he’d been interested he would have hung around. Or maybe he had been interested until he saw and smelled Frank in his dishevelled state and had thought better

of it? Frank was now well and truly confused. On one hand his friend had just shown incredible kindness, but on the other he’d brushed it off as being somebody else’s suggestion. Should he ask Jake outright? No, he couldn’t be that blatant. But now he was nervous about just bumping into him; what would he say? How would he act? To be honest, Frank just wanted to avoid Jake altogether to avoid any awkwardness at all. And that’s just what he did. He fobbed his mates off with, “I’m really far behind, and I’ve got a whole pile of studying to catch up on.” They bought it (or at least seemed to),

so Frank gradually became a lonesome recluse once more. It was amazingly easy. He found the solitude quite comforting; like an old friend. Talking of old friends, he did still admit Tina into his inner sanctum. Well, actually they’d meet up for coffee; his one excuse for going into ‘the outside world’, just as long as it wasn’t one of his usual haunts where he may bump into anyone. He really did study during this period, and as a result actually got good grades. Well, it was a good distraction from thinking about Jake. And boy, did he need a distraction. Every so often his mind would wander back to his friend, and then he’d turn

himself inside out and round in circles with all the possibilities. He had spoken to Tina about his conundrum, who of course had counselled, “Frank. The only way to find out is to ask.” “I can’t ask,” he exclaimed in horror. “I can’t just go up and say, hey man, so you gay or what? Fancy a date sometime?” “Well, live in doubt then,” Tina huffed. Her friend was being obstinately childish and after a few weeks the conversation was getting ‘old’. How many times did she have to tell him? OK, so she knew he couldn’t blatantly ask, but there were ways and means.

She’d find a way herself, but as Frank had stopped seeing the group she couldn’t really invite herself along. As much as they’d accepted her, she was still an outsider in her mind.

Chapter 10 – The Kiss “Did I do something wrong?” a voice asked next to Frank’s ear as he came out the lecture theatre. He turned to see Jake trailing him. “No,” was all he could say as he shook his head and picked up his pace. “Frank just stop will you? I need to talk to you.” But Frank was practically breaking into a run now. He couldn’t have this conversation. His heart was racing at 90mph, and his palms were sweaty. He was in full flight mode. He was feeling dizzy and was glad to finally make it out into the open air at last. He tried gulping in deep breaths as

he strode across the grounds. He almost fell over when he bumped into a solid mass. Jake, fed up with being ignored had jogged ahead and was standing right in front of him. Frank didn’t dare look up. He couldn’t. He suddenly found the concrete path fascinating. “Frank. I’m sorry. Whatever I’ve done I’m sorry. None of us have seen you for weeks. We’re worried. And I’ve got a feeling it’s something I’ve done, so I’m sorry, OK?” Jake said this as he put his thumb and forefinger under Frank’s chin. He was desperate to see the boy’s eyes, to try to get some clue as to what his friend was thinking. He was astonished to see tears

forming in the corners of those hazel orbs. “Fuck,” Jake whispered as it was his turn to gasp. “I’m so so sorry,” was all he could get out around the lump in his throat. He hadn’t realised how upset Frank was. “Not here,” Frank said abruptly. Jake grabbed Frank’s hand and dragged him away from the all too public space. He had him, that’s all that mattered right in that moment. Frank had been too shocked to run any more, and part of him desperately wanted to curl up in Jake’s arms and feel safe. Frank was utterly bewildered, and just

let himself be led across the green, down a path, past the water feature, down a grassy slope, and past some bushes. They were now completely alone in a grassy secluded spot. Still holding Frank’s hand Jake sat on the (only slightly damp) grass, bringing Frank down with him. They sat in silence for a minute, side by side. Both were trying to collect their thoughts. Words weren’t forming, and neither one knew what to say. Jake was terrified of frightening Frank off, who was in turn petrified of saying something completely wrong. Jake took Frank’s hand in his. “Frank. I’m sorry I scared you. It’s the last thing

I ever wanted to do. I don’t know what I did. But I’m sorry.” His green eyes were staring straight into Frank’s. The sincerity in that emerald gaze was clear, but Frank was still unsure of himself. “You…Jake…no. I…fuck it!” Frank took a deep breath and closed his eyes to be away from the field of green which was mesmerising him. “Jake. You make me feel like I’ve never felt before.” He let out his breath in one long whoosh. There, he’d said something. Oh shit, he’d said too much. “You like me?” Jake carefully asked and got a slow nod in response.

“Like me more than a friend?” Frank nodded, more eagerly but still with his eyes closed and his head turned away from Jake slightly. “And you’re scared I don’t return those feelings?” Another nod. That’s all he needed. Jake moved ever so carefully closer and planted those full pink lips on Frank’s. They merely brushed against them in a butterfly kiss, querying, asking if this was OK. Frank’s eyes popped wide open at the contact. Jake was hovering dangerously close, asking for more. He could feel his breath on his face. One look into those lust

filled eyes and Frank was lost. Electricity spiked through his core, making his heart race again. He felt heat stir deep in his loins as he pushed his mouth closer. Jake’s hand came up to Frank’s cheek to gently bring his mouth the rest of the way to his. Their lips locked, and Jake’s tongue softly invaded Frank’s mouth. He groaned as Frank reacted and let his tongue caress his. Frank’s hand reached round to the back of Jake’s head, urging him onward. Their breathing became ragged as they fully embraced one another, swept away by a tide of lust which had been locked away for too long. It was like a dam bursting as it washed

over them. The torrent of emotions were swirling around them as they kissed hungrily, their mouths moving in unison. They had both closed their eyes as they gave in to the power of desire. Frank was the first to break away, drawing deep breaths. He wanted more, but he had forgotten where they were. Although secluded, it was by no means certain nobody else would come along. His eyes went wide in the horror of the thought. What if somebody had seen them? “Frank…?” Jake’s voice was filled with caution and concern as he saw his look. Frank gazed at him, speechless. “You have to tell me what you’re

thinking.” Jake pleaded. “I can’t. I don’t know. Fuck and wow, but fuck,” Frank spluttered. “Still unsure if I feel the same way?” That twinkle was back in Jake’s eyes as he mischievously asked the obvious. “No. I think you’ve made your feelings clear.” “So, what..?” “What if somebody had seen us?” Jake rolled his eyes and shrugged. “So what if they had?” “Aren’t you ashamed?” It was Jake’s turn to look shocked. Frank’s words cut him like a knife. “Ashamed?” he almost shouted. “Yeah ashamed. What I feel for you is

not normal, Jake!” Jake stood up, and his voice was filled with anger. “Well, I truly am sorry Frank. Sorry for debasing you in such a disgusting fashion. How dare I feel love towards a fellow human being? You didn’t seem to struggle much. But I guess you’re right and I’m wrong. Let’s just run away and pretend these feelings don’t exist!” He turned and started to walk away. Frank rose to his feet too, but it was too late. Jake was already stomping off through the university grounds. “Jake wait,” he shouted, but to no avail. Frank plummeted back down on the

ground in a heap. What a mess! He began to cry. He let his head drop as he sat cross legged, and let the tears drop from his cheeks. He raked his hands through his hair as his head hung down. How had he managed to turn the most wonderful, beautiful moment of his life into the worst? ‘What a loser,’ he admonished himself. He felt wretched and lonelier than ever. He immediately realised he couldn’t hang out with his friends any longer as Jake would be there. In one foul swoop he’d wiped out his entire social life. What had he done? How had this happened? This is the very thing he’d been trying to avoid.

Why had Jake had to come after him? A weight plummeted in Frank’s stomach as it dawned on him Jake had come to offer him everything he thought he’d been craving. The ultimate bliss had been within his grasp. It had been right there and now it was gone; utterly utterly gone. He couldn’t see a way of coming back from this. He’d told the man he was attracted to like no other that he was a freak, that theirs was a forbidden love, like it was something distasteful. Ashamed was the word he’d used, wasn’t it? Oh, if only he could have said how much he’d enjoyed that erotic kiss instead. It’s safe to say Frank was

beating himself up severely. Frank had sat there sobbing for almost an hour, not even aware he was missing his next class. Eventually he managed to calm himself down enough to get up and slope off to his room. Although calmer, he was far from happy. As he walked into his room he saw his sketchpad, and it called to him. Happy of the distraction he sat down and started to draw. It was as if his mind was disengaged; he wasn’t aware what he was drawing, just that he had to. He was caught in a frenzy, scribbling away with coloured pencils as if his life depended on it. He was only vaguely aware of night

descending when he had to turn his light on. Still he continued with his mission. When he finally stopped Frank looked at what he’d just drawn. In the bottom left corner was a tempestuous dark sea with a whirlpool which was about to suck a life raft into its depths. On that life raft was a naked man (who looked a little like himself), a look of horror on his face, clearly fearful of his life. He was reaching up and away from the life sucking black hole (whirlpool), and over the top of the crashing waves. Beyond and above all this madness was a figure of Apollo, riding his golden chariot which was being pulled by Pegasus.

Apollo’s blonde hair was flowing in the prevailing wind (and he had strangely green eyes). The god was trying to reach down to the doomed man. His was the only light in the otherwise dark and gloomy picture. It wasn’t a finished draft by any stretch of the imagination, but it was a good first outline of what could be an epic painting. If you had to liken it to anything, it was similar to the Sistine chapel image of God reaching out to Adam, but mixed with a scene from one of the Romanticists, with its stormy seas, but also with a modern twist. Frank was pleased with it, but also deeply saddened as the meaning behind

it could not be avoided. Exhausted, Frank slumped back in his chair. His stomach rumbled, and he felt the pangs of hunger. He wondered just how long his body had been requesting food, going unnoticed. He reluctantly headed his feet towards the kitchen and grabbed a Pot Noodle. His brain didn’t want him to eat food, but his stomach would not be argued with, so he grabbed anything to appease it. He carried the small offering back to his room and glumly shovelled the noodles into his mouth. Still feeling morose he dialled Tina’s number. “Hi there stranger,” she admonished,

seeing his number flash up on her screen. “Hi.” Frank’s one word was enough for Tina. It held no resonance. It was a totally flat sound. “Where are you?” “In my room,” was the depressed answer. “I’ll be right there.” Fortunately it was a Friday night and she was at home. Actually, it was really quite late and Tina had been just about to get ready for bed after an exhausting week at work, but this was her best friend and he was clearly in need of support. She hopped in the car and drove

straight round. Her heart was racing all the way, hoping her friend was OK, wondering what on earth had happened to make him so upset. As soon as she got in through his door she hugged Frank. His eyes were red, puffy and swollen. He’d clearly been crying. “Heyyy….hey, what’s wrong?” Tina asked as Frank clutched onto her hug as if she were the life raft in his picture. “I fucked it up. Ah Tina, it’s too terrible. I’ve lost him.” “OK, sit down and let me make some tea and we can talk.” Tina instructed rather than asked. She had a feeling this was going to be a long night, and she needed caffeine, and

suspected her friend was in need of comforting hot liquid refreshment. Tea cooling on the side table the pair were sitting next to each other. Frank took a deep breath. “He kissed me.” “What? Who?” Tina yelped, totally shocked. “Jake.” “Jake kissed you? Oh my God, that’s wonderful. So you spoke to him? Wait. This clearly doesn’t have a happy ending. What happened?” “It was wonderful…amazing. It was perfect. But then I got scared.” “Uh oh!” “Yeah, big uh oh. He’d met me outside

my lecture, muttering something about worrying I’d been avoiding him. He dragged me off somewhere quiet and well, we kissed. But I got carried away. And then I realised we were still outside and anyone could have walked by and seen.” “So?” “Yeah, that was what he said. But I might have said something about being ashamed, and how my feelings for him were wrong.” “Oh.” “He wasn’t exactly impressed with my choice of words. He yelled and walked off. I don’t think I’ll be seeing any more of him.” Frank’s face fell even more as he said

this last bit. “Frank, I’m going to say this once, so you better listen. Get a grip!” Frank was stunned and sat back a bit. “Yeah, you heard me. You make me drive all the way over here in the middle of the night for this?” “You don’t understand. I’ve condemned him, me, us. You should have seen the look on his face, Tina. He was so hurt.” “Of course he was hurt. Wouldn’t you be? It must have taken so much courage for him to seek you out like that. He kissed you; that was even braver. He wasn’t sure how you felt. I’m sure you’ve not exactly been demonstrative of your affection. So, you’ve done all that

and what does the cute guy do? He tells you that you should be ashamed. Hurt? I would have bloody slapped you!” “Huh. Yeah, it was kind of brave of him, wasn’t it? But that’s just Jake. He’s that kind of guy.” “Oh is he? How many people have you seen him kiss?” “Umm…OK none, but he’s still flamboyant.” “Frank. There’s a world of difference between flamboyant and ballsy. Actually, I think his flamboyance is there to cover up his insecurity. I think deep down he’s actually even more scared than you are.” “Really?”

“Those types usually are.” “Shit. And how did I repay him?” Frank buried his face in his hands. “Right, so you were a bit of a wanker.” “Hey!” Tina ignored his protestation. “So what are you going to do about it?” Frank shrugged. “I don’t know.” “Maybe try apologising?” Frank was looking at Tina in wonder. “How do you do that?” “Do what?” “Bitch slap me with the truth and yet make me feel happy about it.” “I don’t know. It’s just a gift I have.” Tina said as she flounced her shoulders.

“Come here and give me a hug,” she said as she moved in for said hug anyway. “Sorry for making you come out here.” “It’s OK. I’ll always be here for you. I wasn’t really cross. I’m sorry I sounded so harsh.” “No, I needed it. Thanks. It’s really late, you want to sleep here?” “Won’t your roommate mind?” “Looks like he’s not coming back again. I’ve hardly ever seen him. I’m sure he won’t mind if you use his bed. At least someone will.” So, they finished their cups of tea whilst chatting about happier things before turning in for the night.

On the way to bed Tina passed the desk and saw Frank’s drawing. “What’s this..?”

Chapter 11 – Take Two Tina woke up first the next morning, and couldn’t resist taking another look at Frank’s artistry. He’d dismissed it as nothing the night before but she was fascinated. She had shrewdly pointed out that traditionally (she thought) Apollo had blue and not green eyes. She had smirked as she pointed this out to Frank, who had clearly drawn a Jakelooking Apollo. But he’d blushed so much she had dropped the subject. Still, she was worried at just how dark his mood had clearly turned after his argument with Jake. More worrying was the elevation of Jake as some sort of

saviour. But maybe she was overreacting, but part of her couldn’t shrug off the discomfort of putting someone on a pedestal like that. Mind you, if those two could actually talk this through and get over Frank’s anxiety the relationship could clearly be a good thing. Jake was such a lovely guy she was sure they’d make a great couple. Tina started wondering if perhaps it was time for her to try dating again. There was a guy at work she was sort of interested in. But she shrank inwardly as the idea occurred to her. ‘Or maybe not’ she thought. She made herself coffee as she waited for Frank to wake up. He looked so peaceful sleeping that she couldn’t bring

herself to wake him up. “Are you alright now?” Tina asked as Frank finally stirred. “Yeah. Thanks again.” “Do you want to go and do something fun today?” “Thanks, but I think I need to face the music with Jake,” he said awkwardly. So Tina parted company and got into her car. Her mum would be home soon and she couldn’t face going back and having yet another argument with her. So, where should she go? She admitted to herself she felt a bit lost without her companion. It looked like she was going to have to get used to it though, so she wanted to find

something constructive to do. ‘First things first,’ she thought out loud, and drove to a local eatery to find some breakfast. Having found a coffee shop with a shortish queue, she sat down with her caffé latte and croissant and hungrily started munching whilst perusing a newspaper. “Hi. Mind if I sit down?” asked a rather odd looking yet strangely handsome man. Tina started to open her mouth, but hesitated, unable to find polite words with which to tell him to kindly park himself elsewhere, she just wanted to be left alone. “It’s just there’s no other comfy chairs

left, and I could really do with slouching somewhere right now,” the stranger offered apologetically. Tina’s mouth was still looking fish like as it moved open and closed wordlessly. “You don’t recognise me, do you?” “Ummm…yeah of course.” Blushing she added, “Sorry but no, I really don’t.” The stranger smiled as he took a seat near her. “I don’t blame you. I think we only passed each other in the corridor once. I’m Peter, Frank’s roommate.” “Oh, the prodigal roommate,” Tina pronounced without thinking. It was Peter’s turn to look

embarrassed. “I’m really not around much, am I?” Flushing at the steady blue gaze Tina told him, “Sorry. It’s really none of my business. I don’t know why I said that.” “It’s no massive secret. I’m studying Psychology at the moment, but am hoping to go on to do Counselling Psychology. So, between the lectures and volunteer work I don’t get back to the room much, and when I do it seems to be when your boyfriend is out. The place I volunteer at is the other side of town and one of my mates lets me stay over with him rather than travel on my pushbike late at night I’m just on my way home now, but thought I’d grab breakfast on my way.” “He’s not my boyfriend,” Tina

dismissed, wondering why she felt the need to. Out of all the stuff he’d just divulged, that was the thing she picked up on? Really? “Oh. Good.” The thought Peter had was more, ‘good that’s exactly what I was hoping you’d say’. “No. We’re just good friends.” “So, are you studying here too?” (‘I was hoping I might bump into you on campus.’) “No. I work in an office, but studying AAT at the same time, but that’s not here.” “AAT?”

“Yeah, boring accountant in the making.” “Oh, I don’t know about boring…” he grinned. Tina laughed nervously. “You can tell that from a pass in the hall, can you?” “Psych student,” he declared with a wink. “Does that involve mind reading?” she asked, slightly huffily. Peter put his index and middle fingers to his temples and closed his eyes in a mock trance, “Ommmm…you are thinking…I wish this loser would leave me alone so I could finish my croissant in peace.”

“Wow, you can read minds,” she laughed. “Sorry. I’ll just have my coffee to go,” he said as he began to rise. “No. Please stay. Honestly, it’s fine.” Great, he was about to do exactly as she wanted and she was stopping him. What was wrong with her? “Well, if you’re sure,” he said sitting back down. He laced his fingers together and put his chin on them as he leaned forward. “Why do I make you nervous?” “What makes you say that?” “The way you’re biting your lip and looking anywhere but me.” “Sorry, I’m just not that good with

people I don’t know.” “And why would that be?” Woah he was getting much too nosey! “Look….” “Peter. Or Pete if you prefer,” he supplied helpfully. “Look Peter, you can keep your psychobabble to yourself thank you very much. I was quite happy sitting here minding my own business before you came along.” Pete put his hands up in surrender with a chuckle, “OK OK, sorry. I was just interested. I just get carried away sometimes. I’ll behave. I promise.” “Sorry. Look, I’m just a bit broken or something. Call it anti-social. I’m not

very good with people I don’t know,” she apologised whilst slurping some of her coffee. “Well, you didn’t lie. So, accounting, huh?” he asked, hoping this was a safer topic. “Yeah. I know where I am with numbers. They just make sense to me. But it’s just a job. What I really like doing is painting.” “Ah, hence the connection with Frank? I’ve seen some of the stuff he leaves lying around.” “Yeah, we met at college and set each other this art challenge. We’ve been friends ever since.” Tina relaxed as she found a topic she was comfortable with, and could focus

on talking about Frank more than herself. “Frank’s an amazing artist.” And the conversation flowed from there. As Pete left that coffee shop there was a definite spring in his step. “You’ll never guess who I just bumped into,” Pete declared as he got back to his room to find Frank still there. “No, I won’t,” Frank said distractedly. “Your friend Tina.” “Tina?” “Yeah, you know, red hair, fiery temper, a little bit gorgeous…?” “I know who she is. I’m just surprised you do.” “Well, I didn’t really. I only ran into

her once before. She seems like a nice girl.” “Yeah she is. Just don’t expect more than friendship.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “Just what I say.” “Sounds like the voice of experience?” “No, just someone who actually knows her. She’s been through a lot.” “Maybe she just needs some TLC?” “Emphasis on the ‘T’. Honestly I mean it. You seem like a nice guy and everything. Just be careful of her. She’s been through enough pain.” “Heard, loud and clear. So, what you looking so happy about anyway?” This was said sarcastically, as Frank

clearly looked depressed. Or anxious. Pete couldn’t quite decide. “Nothing. I should get going anyway.” And with that he picked up his coat and went out. ‘Ships that pass in the night’ Pete thought to himself. He headed off to get a shower, but passed the desk on his way, where Frank’s drawing still sat. ‘Freud would have a field day!’ he mused. Frank in the meantime was on his way to face the music. He had spent much of the morning moping and trying to decide what to say and do, but it just made him break out into a sweat. He stopped off on his way to buy a small box of chocolates, still debating whether it was ‘a bit much’, but he

didn’t want to turn up empty handed. Mind you, he didn’t want anything that could be launched at him either. No, he’d still give Jake the chocolates. If he opened his door at all. Maybe he should just phone or text? No, he needed to see him. Frank realised he had actually stopped walking as he worried. ‘Come on feet, carry me to him’ he commanded in his head. He was shitting himself (not literally, you understand). Yesterday had gone so horribly wrong. But Frank reasoned with himself it couldn’t actually get any worse, and therefore he had nothing to lose. Frank ever so nervously approached

Jake’s door and rapped quietly. He stood there anxious and sweaty. He couldn’t hear any movement on the other side. After a couple of minutes he knocked again, this time a little louder. Again he waited. Just as he was about to turn around and give up (almost relieved), he heard a groaned, “Who is it?” “It’s me,” Frank announced, rather uselessly. The door creaked open a little and some red tinted green eyes peaked through the gap. “Oh it’s you,” said a gravelly Jake, and opened the door enough to let Frank in. For the first time since they’d first met

Jake looked a mess. He was still in his pyjamas, and his hair was un-brushed. “You’re the last person I expected to see today.” Frank pushed the box of chocolates out in front of him. “I came with a peace offering.” “Hmph, it’ll take more than chocolate.” “Jake, I’m sorry. Please let me explain.” “What’s to explain? You’re homophobic. I get it.” “No, I’m not. Please don’t think that.” “You thought I should be ASHAMED, Frank!” “No. I didn’t mean that. I asked because I don’t know. I…”

“You didn’t know if I was ashamed? Make sense, and fast.” “I’m confused.” “No shit.” “I’m scared.” “Of what?” “Everything.” “Why?” “Because I’m a virgin,” Frank cried out. “Oh, I would never have guessed!” Jake bit back sarcastically. “Until yesterday I’d never even kissed another guy.” “Not even a kiss?” “Not even a peck on the lips.” “How is that even possible?”

“Try having a dad like mine for just five minutes.” “So it’s your dad’s fault?” Jake asked incredulously. Frank lifted up his shirt. “Yeah. This is his fault,” he exclaimed, pointing to a scar on his side. Jake looked stunned. He tentatively reached out a finger to trace the scar. “This?” he breathed. Frank just looked into Jake’s eyes and nodded. “Why?” “Because he’s fucked up, Jake. Because he thinks I’m some sort of spawn of Satan. Because he thinks beating the crap out of me would beat

the gayness out. Because he is ashamed of me. Because he’s a twat. Because I hate him…” tears were trickling down Frank’s cheeks now. Jake was shaking his head in disbelief. “He actually damaged you?” “He only stopped when I told him I was straight.” The pain in his eyes shot Jake through the heart. “Fuck! You’re not though, right?” “What do you think?” he asked with a grimace. “So yesterday…when you asked…?” “I was actually asking. I’ve been told to be ashamed of what I am all my life. I’m terrified someone will find out. They

did once. At school.” “Let me guess, that didn’t work out too well either?” “You could say that. I’ve got another scar to prove it.” “Arseholes!” “Yeah.” Frank’s head was hanging down as the visions of trauma flashed back. Jake took Frank’s chin in his hand and coaxed him into lifting his head. “Hey. Look at me.” Hazel eyes met green. “I am not ashamed. And nor should you be. What greater gift is there than love? And love is love, no matter what.” “I think Tina would disagree.”

“What?” “Never mind. Forget I said anything.” “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” “You didn’t exactly give me a chance. I’m not exactly going to go up to every person I meet and announce hey, I’m Frank and I’m gay. Oh, and I have major issues with that.” “Fair point.” “Am I forgiven?” “There’s nothing to forgive.” Jake leaned his head closer to Frank’s and planted a tantalisingly soft kiss on his lips. There was a silent pause as they both drew a hushed breath. Their eyes met and that surge of energy soared through

them. Frank drew nearer for more, and their eyes closed as their lips locked. Jake’s hands went to Frank’s waist to draw him in closer, needing the bodily contact. The kiss deepened as their tongues glided together. Frank felt Jake’s hands move round to his backside, and he welcomed the contact. He could feel Jake’s erection pressing against him. He was carried away in the flames of passion. As he pushed against him he heard and felt Jake moan into his mouth. It made him groan himself. He wrapped his arms round Jake’s back, trying to pull him in even further. Jake brought a hand up to Frank’s

cheek as he slowly pulled his lips away. Frank immediately felt the profound loss. “We should probably stop,” Jake whispered hoarsely, wiping his thumb across the remaining trail of tears. “Why?” “As much as I would love nothing more than to get you naked and chuck you on my bed right now I think you’d regret it.” “Regret?” “Yeah. I want your first time to be perfect. And right now it would be over in a flash.” “You’re probably right,” Frank admitted glumly.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” Frank managed a strained smile at this. “I need to take a shower. Make yourself at home here for a sec?” Jake suggested. Frank was only too pleased to sit down; his legs were still shaking after the earth shattering kiss. “I’ll be right back, and maybe we can find somewhere to go for lunch?” Jake disappeared as soon as he got Frank’s assent.

Chapter 12 – Hunger Meanwhile, Tina had not been idle. Pete had left her in the café, but she’d felt something stir inside her; a sort of restlessness. So she had driven out to a quiet spot. She’d pulled her sketchbook and supplies out from the back of her car, and started to stroll. She walked some way along the path through the woods until she came to a bench. It was cold, but she was happy to be outside and grateful it wasn’t raining. She brought her knees up to her chest and nestled into her coat as best she could and balanced her sketchpad on her

knees. Her pencil was poised but she couldn’t seem to find any inspiration. Her mind felt foggy. For once, the trees were not soothing and her thoughts kept wandering back to the café. She was still a little cross that Pete had tried to interrogate her. She didn’t even know the guy. But part of her had wanted to tell him everything. Somewhere under that scruffy, floppy dark hair was an amazing pair of blue eyes. Those eyes had felt like they were looking into her soul. If she was honest with herself, it was that gaze more than his words which had rankled her; the way that stare saw straight through her somehow was

unnerving. As she thought about his ‘devil may care’ dress sense her pencil found its mark on her page. She began drawing a grizzly bear, just one with blue eyes. It sat there, staring out of the page with its head cocked to one side as if questioning its existence. Or was it quizzing her? She was really cold by the time she’d got a rough sketch down, and Tina decided it was high time she went home. She walked in through her front door, flicking out a brief, “Hi!” to her mum who was in the front room. She barely heard the one word response as she went straight into the kitchen to make herself a hot cup of tea. Grabbing a couple of biscuits too, she

took her hot drink up to her room, with her sketchpad tucked under her arm. She wanted to develop the picture more and needed her precious paints to do it justice. A familiar dark forest loomed behind her bear, with goblins lurking in the darkness. Tina really couldn’t decide if the goblins were on the same side and in cohorts with the bear, or if he was a barrier between them and was ready to defend her. Part of her wanted to trust Pete, but part of her was scared to. After all, what good had ever come from any of the men in her life? Her one true protector had turned out to be the one to cause the most harm. Her attempts at dating had only caused

her more pain. There was Frank, but he had major issues himself. She shrugged off thoughts of Pete, deciding it was best not to dwell. Besides, she possibly wouldn’t see him again anyway. What was she worrying about? Even if he had been interested, she’d not exactly been open and friendly. She picked up her study books and buried herself in numbers. A couple of hours later, when Tina couldn’t fit any more facts and figures into her overstuffed brain it occurred to her she’d not heard from Frank. She sent him a quick text, asking how his apology had gone. “Kissed and made up,” was his excited response.

“How are you?” pinged his next text. “Bored!” “We’re all off out for a curry. Fancy coming along?” “Who’s we?” “Usual crowd.” “OK then. I’ll be over soon.” Tina had time to get showered and changed. Her tummy grumbled, and it suddenly occurred to her she’d not had lunch. She rubbed her stomach, promising it food soon. She drove to Frank’s room, and was surprised to see Jake there. She’d just assumed he’d be at his own place by now. She managed a smile and a kiss on

the cheek for him anyway. “Hi Jake. I’m so glad you two cleared the air.” “So am I,” he beamed. “Happy?” she whispered into Frank’s ear as she kissed his cheek. His answering grin said it all. “Hi,” called a voice from deeper in the room. Tina physically jumped. “Hi Pete. I didn’t expect you to be here. You’re not off saving some soul then?” she quipped sarcastically. “Night off for good behaviour,” he smiled. “Hey, we’re just off to the curry house. Fancy tagging along?” asked Frank.

“Really? I could kill for a curry. You sure you don’t mind?” Pete replied, looking at Tina. “Free country.” Tina shrugged. “Great. I’ll get my coat,” Pete said cheekily, knowing full well she could fill in the rest of the chat-up line of ‘I’ve pulled’ in her mind. Tina glowered at Frank with her teeth clenched whilst Pete had his back turned. He merely opened in his arms in a ‘what?’ sweet innocent look. They both knew he was trying to play match maker, but Tina wasn’t impressed at all. But her scowl turned into a smile by the time Pete was looking at her again. The four walked down the road together, Frank next to Jake leading the

way. “I didn’t expect to see you again so soon,” Pete said quietly to Tina. “I didn’t expect to see you again at all,” she bit back, biting her lip as she realised there was just a little bit too much venom with her words. “Oh?” Pete was amused, damn him. “Well no. I mean after earlier…and what I said…ooah!” Tina was blushing. She was in a hole yet she kept on digging. “And what did you say?” Pete’s eyes were sparkling with delight. Tina made the mistake of looking at them. “Oh you know very well. Stop it.”

She nudged his arm. “Stop what?” She was lost as that sparkle increased and a toothy grin spread across his stupid face. “You’re teasing me. You know very well I was rude. Look, I’m sorry for what it’s worth.” “I thought you were delightful.” She stopped in her tracks and looked at those blue eyes, which shone brightly, but were sincere. “You did?” more lip biting and blushing accompanied her question. “Yes,” he said simply as he motioned for them to carry on walking to catch up with the others.

As they approached the curry house Pete held the door open for Tina to walk through, and he couldn’t help but gaze longingly as her bottom wiggled as she walked ahead of him. He somehow knew it wasn’t consciously done, not like some girls who walked provocatively. No, Tina just had a natural sexiness about her. He really wanted to have her, in every way possible as soon as possible. But he heeded Frank’s words of caution. They made their way over to the table where the rest of the group were already sitting, pawing over the menu. Introductions were made, and Pete was made to feel welcome. He decided instantly he liked them. They were soon

laughing and joking as they placed their order. “Chicken Tikka Masala?” he teased Tina with her predictably mild choice. “What? I like the sweetness,” she replied, feeling the need to defend her choice, but then rankled as she wondered why she should feel the need to apologise. “Not everybody has to try to prove themselves by selecting the spiciest thing they can. And actually, it doesn’t make you much of a man if you have to resort to that to impress someone. It just makes you look a bit of a dick.” She really wasn’t taking any prisoners. “Oooooh, buuuurrrn!” chided Fiona, proud of her friend for giving as good as

she got. “Actually, I just like some sourness with my sweetness.” His mischievous grin told Tina she could apply that to herself as much as his curry. The group chatted happily together as they munched through the stack of poppadoms and chutneys. And there was no shortage of beer either. Pete had never felt so welcomed by a bunch of people before. There were 10 of them altogether, sitting around a large round table. There was a real sense of community spirit as their main courses were brought out, and they all started sharing samples of each other’s curries.

“Here, you have to try some of this,” Pete commanded as he spooned some Chicken Madras onto Tina’s plate. “Honestly, it’s not as spicy as you think. It’s not a Vindaloo, or anything.” He felt the need to demonstrate that he hadn’t ordered his food as a show of being macho. When Tina shook her head he picked up a little of her pilau rice as well as a bit of his curry on his fork “Open wide,” he commanded. She shook her head again but he gave her a tender yet determined look which also said he wouldn’t accept defiance. It was a sort of head tilted, cocked eyebrow look. It worked, and Tina opened her mouth so he could feed her.

He watched hopefully as she let the flavours swirl around her mouth, savouring each one as they hit her tongue. She softly closed her eyes with pleasure as she released an, “Mmmmm…that’s delicious!” Pete’s mind was instantly wondering whether that’s what she looked like when she climaxed. He really wanted to find out, and to be the one to make her look like that. He was glad of the long tablecloth as it meant his erection was mercifully hidden. “More?” he asked with another forkful poised. And this Time Tina nodded eagerly. “Do you want to try this?” she asked at

the ready to feed him. There was no argument, he gently opened his mouth to accept whatever she gave him. “Augh! OK, that’s really good.” He looked so damn sexy in that moment. And Tina found herself getting warm. For the first time in a very long time she felt desire starting to stir as their gazes met in mutual appreciation. “Ahurgh,” coughed Fiona. “Sorry, what?” they said in unison, slightly embarrassed. “Oh, never mind,” she dismissed, deciding her question wasn’t worth repeating now. The pair looked at each other, pulled a

‘what’s up with her’ face, shrugged and giggled. With a great deal of effort they both dragged their attention back to the group conversation, but they kept glancing at each other now and again. “I’m stuffed!” Pete declared, leaning back in his seat at the end of the meal. “Me too,” agreed Frank, rubbing his over filled stomach. “I was going to suggest heading out to a club…” Jake began. “Oh no way, not for me I’m afraid,” Pete said. “Besides, I have to be up early tomorrow.” “More placement work?” queried Tina, feeling slightly rejected.

“Afraid so.” The foursome wandered back to Frank and Pete’s halls of residence. “You can stay over if you want, I’ll sleep on the couch,” Pete told Tina. “No thanks,” was her nervous response. “No funny business I swear. I just don’t want you driving home when you’ve been drinking.” “I thought you were meant to be observant?” “Pardon?” “Well Mr Smarty-pants, I was only drinking Coke all evening. I don’t drink and drive!” “Oh, right you are then.” Pete had to

accept a loss on this one. “Nice try though,” she cajoled as she walked towards her car. Pete went with her. “I just wanted to make sure you got there safely.” “I’m fine. Really the car park’s well lit, and I don’t see any Bogeymen around here.” But secretly she was relieved. “So, here we are then,” he said as they reached her car. “Yep. Here we are.” “So I’ll say goodnight then.” “Goodnight.” “Goodnight Tina.” He was looking directly into her eyes

again. Tina was confused. Part of her wanted to meet the kiss which she knew was waiting for her on his lips. But another part was terrified. She decided the latter was stronger and turned away quickly to open her door. “See you again soon?” she half asked, half stated. “Well, you know where I live. Drive safe!” And with that Tina got into her car and drove off. He felt pleased; he’d sensed her dilemma. It was a lot closer to a goodnight kiss than he’d thought he’d get. He had high hopes for this not being as long winded and difficult as Frank had said it would be.

Pete walked into the room to find Frank and Jake kissing. “Sorry,” he said bashfully as he walked past with his head down. He went straight into the bedroom. “See,” Jake exclaimed. “See what?” asked Frank. “We didn’t burst into flames.” “No, but it was awkward.” “Only because it was two people kissing. He didn’t seem to mind it was two blokes.” “Really?” Jake rubbed Frank’s cheek. “Really. Relax.” After one more snog Jake excused himself, “I have to go now.”

“Do you have to?” “Sorry.” “Stay!” “Are you ready?” “Yes.” And Frank realised he was. This was all moving so quickly, but he’d denied himself for so long he wanted to be who he was. And he wanted to be that person with Jake. No waiting. “I really can’t tonight. I want to, believe me. Is tomorrow OK?” “Yeah.” And Frank found his mouth being invaded one more time. “Right. I really do have to go. Night Frank.”

“Night Jake,” said Frank, giving Jake one last peck. As the door closed Frank took a place on the sofa and turned the TV on, knowing sleep would evade him. He was so turned on and excited it’d be impossible. Besides, the night was still young. It wasn’t even eleven o’clock yet. “Hey, I didn’t chase him away did I?” asked Pete as he came and sat on the sofa with Frank. “No. No, he has work tomorrow.” “Saturday job?” “Weekend job. It helps pay the study fees.” Frank said glumly. “Yeah, know that feeling. Sorry, I

didn’t mean to walk in on you like that.” “You weren’t to know.” “I’m guessing it didn’t help though, so sorry.” “Thanks. This is still new for me.” “I gathered.” “You did?” “What? From the way you look like a startled rabbit every time he touches you in public? Nah.” “Is it that obvious?” “Only to weirdos like me, who notice people’s reactions. Trainee psychologist, remember?” “Oh yeah.” “You’ll get used to it, don’t worry. And it’s a lot easier these days so I hear.

People are a lot more accepting of the LGBT crowd now. More than they used to be at least.” “And how come you know so much about it?” “My older brother’s gay.” “Really? How did your parents take it? Has he even told them?” “They’re pretty cool. They’re a bit ‘old age hippies’. Besides, they said they’d always known.” “Wow, your brother’s lucky!” The two spent hours talking about Frank’s issues with his dad, and comparing to Pete’s brother. They ended the night with Pete offering to spend the next day and night away. He

was volunteering the next day anyway, and would spend the night at his friend’s place again. It was what he’d half planned to do already, but he was just going to make sure he did that. Frank was just gobsmacked at his new friend’s kindness.

Chapter 13 – Surprises (Some Are Good, Some Are Bad) Frank was on tenterhooks all the next day as he waited for Jake to finish work. He’d gone shopping and bought some nice food and wine so they could have a romantic meal, candles included. He’d even bought condoms, which was quite traumatic. He’d stopped in the supermarket, having found the right section, but was stunned by the amount of choice. He hadn’t got a clue which ones he should buy so he ended up with a few different packets, hoping Jake would know which to use. At least with self-serve checkouts he didn’t have to have the humiliation of an actual person handling them.

His shopping trip hadn’t taken very long, and Frank didn’t have anything else planned for the day, so he just got more and more worked up. He tried to distract himself, but he couldn’t focus on his artwork or anything. He tried cleaning his room again, but it was already spotless. He had started to prepare dinner, and there was Beef Bourguignon cooking in the oven (thanks to a jar of sauce). And there was a toffee pecan roulade defrosting in his room. He was showered and dressed. And still there was another hour to go before Jake was due to turn up. He was trying his best to veg in front of the TV, but his mind kept whirring. What

was he going to do? Would Jake be the ‘giver’? How should he act? Was it going to hurt? How should he start? Should he just let Jake lead the way? But then what if Jake wanted to do something he didn’t? Was he going to have to put ‘him’ in his mouth? Would he like that? Did he want to even try? He had tried Googling some of his questions but it just scared him more. As Frank was considering calling the whole thing off there was a knock at his door. With wobbling knees and sweaty palms he opened it. An even more handsome Jake was standing there with a bottle of wine in his hand. He took a step into the room, closed the door and kissed Frank

fully. “Hello,” Jake breathed. “I’ve been wanting to do that all day.” “Hi,” Frank replied before regaining the kiss. His hard-on was instantaneous as he brought his body close to Jake’s. He could feel Jake’s own interest in return. Their mouths collided as they both sought more and breathed each other in. The need which grew in them was almost too hot to handle. But it was Jake who broke off first. “Ummm…can I put this down?” he asked holding up the wine bottle. “Err…yeah, of course. Shit, I’ve got to go rescue dinner,” he exclaimed as he

bolted out the door to the shared kitchen. Fortunately it was just very hot and not burned. And the new potatoes were just a bit soft. He quickly dished up and took the plates into his room. Jake had found some glasses and poured the wine, and had also lit the candles. Frank put the plates down on the table (which had been cleared of art supplies). Jake was standing near Frank, and said hoarsely, “This looks lovely.” He gave Frank a quick kiss before they sat down to eat. Jake guided the conversation, painfully aware of Frank’s agitation. As he began talking Frank relaxed a little. They talked about how Jake’s day was

and of mundane things. Frank was soothed by Jake’s dulcet tones, and was glad to let his mind be drawn away from what he was planning to do soon. He could listen to Jake talk forever. “That was delicious. The best meal I’ve had in ages,” Jake declared as he wiped up the last of the sauce with a piece of crusty bread. “Thank you.” “The pleasure’s mine.” “It soon will be,” said Jake, his voice lowering a little more. “So, do you want to..?” “Shhh, no hurry. Let’s just go and sit on the sofa, OK? No pressure.” Jake sat at one end and lifted his arm so Frank could snuggle up to him. Jake

kissed the top of Frank’s head and stroked his arm. “It just feels good to have you next to me. You don’t have to do anything more than this if you’re not ready.” “Thanks.” Frank wasn’t sure if it was Jake’s presence, the low lighting, the wine, or what, but he was starting to feel really relaxed. “I'll bear that in mind.” He moved enough so he could get a kiss. The kiss got deeper and more passionate until Jake interrupted, “Let’s take this into the bedroom?” He silently led Frank through, grabbing

his jacket along the way. “Are you OK to take some clothes off?” Jake asked as he peeled off his own shirt. Frank drew in a deep breath as he gazed at Jake’s fine pecs. He suddenly felt ashamed of his own feeble body. Sensing his hesitation Jake stepped closer again, “It’s OK.” He pecked Frank’s lips with kisses as he undid each button of his shirt. Frank was shy and excited all at once. With his shirt off, Frank found Jake’s lips trailing tiny kisses down his torso, exciting him. Jake made sure to include Frank’s scar in his exploration.

Frank worried he was going to go down further, but the trail ended. Frank pulled him close, so he could feel Jake’s chest against his; the sensation of skin on skin sent him reeling into heaven as he sought his soon-to-be-lover’s mouth. Jake guided them to the bed they were nearest to (guessing it to be Frank’s). He removed his trousers, and undid Frank’s belt for him, with his forehead against his. Frank obliged by getting rid of his trousers, so the pair were stood in just their boxer shorts. Frank bit his lip in trepidation, but Jake gently guided him down onto the bed. “We can just lie here together,” he soothed.

Frank laid next to him, each on their side facing one another. Jake’s hand travelled slowly up and down Frank’s spine, sending shivers down it. Jake’s leg went over Frank’s as he brought him closer. He tried a querying soft pass of lips. Words weren’t needed. Frank’s reply was to kiss more. Again their mouths met in warm, welcoming unison. With only a thin layer of fabric between them their erections were easily felt. “Can…can I touch it?” Frank asked. Jake’s hand left Frank’s back to guide his hand down to where he wanted to explore. Frank felt the cock through the cotton fabric. It sent thrills through him.

He wanted more. “Off!” he whispered. They both fully stripped. As they laid close together again Frank groaned as he felt Jake’s body in all its glory. He got a suck on his lips as Jake’s hand went down to Frank’s cock, making him cry out. “Please. Jake,” he pleaded as if in pain. He couldn’t handle this. He was going to cum before they’d begun. He pulled away quickly. “Alright?” Jake asked. “Yeah. Just wait a sec.” “Too much?” “I…I, you know. Don’t want to..!”

“Thank fuck for that, I thought you were freaking out!” he laughed. It broke the tension and they both softly laughed together. Embarrassment set aside Jake rolled Frank onto his back. “OK, let’s just get this out the way,” he declared as he lowered his mouth onto Frank’s cock. Frank groaned louder and longer, but was unable to find the will to stop him this time. The feeling was just too good, and he wanted more. Jake’s head started going up and down his shaft and it was amazing. He could feel the guy’s tongue licking up and down and around. It was intense. His hips started moving of their own accord, and before he knew it he was

cumming in Jake’s mouth, crying out in ecstasy. Jake discreetly grabbed a tissue and spat out the contents. “You don’t swallow?” Frank asked breathily. “Sorry, nothing personal. I never have been able to.” “No, I’m relieved actually.” Frank hoped that meant he wasn’t expected to either. Jake laid down next to Frank again and nuzzled his neck. “So..?” “You’re amazing! I know that’s what you want to hear, and it’s true.” “Thanks, but I was actually wondering if you were up to returning the favour?”

Frank was suddenly aware of Jake’s erection. “Oh. Umm…” “Relax. You don’t have to.” But Frank tentatively took hold of him with his hand. “That’s it, you can do that!” Jake moaned with pleasure. “Ah yeah!” as Frank’s hand moved more fluidly, in a tantalising up and down movement. Feeling braver Frank nudged Jake until he was on his back. He carried on with his hand but then slowly lowered his head down. He licked up once. The satisfied groan he received spurred him on so he did it again, and again, and

again. He took Jake’s tip in his mouth, testing each step of the way. It felt kind of weird, but kind of good. He didn’t have much choice then as Jake’s hips thrust, and more of his cock went into Frank’s mouth. He went with the flow, his hand still at the base, and moved with Jake as his hips carried on bucking, with Jake groaning. Frank’s mouth was filled with Jake’s knob as his head moved up and down deliciously. With a loud grunt Jake came. Frank felt him squirt into his mouth, almost making him gag. But he too found a tissue and rid himself of the salty fluid. “Come here,” Jake commanded.

Frank found himself back in Jake’s arms as he laid back down. “I’m so proud of you!” “I don’t think my father would agree with that.” “Are you really thinking of your father right now? Or the guy you just sucked off?” “Hmm…the wonderful guy who just blew me, I think,” he grinned. “That’s better. You’re amazing, you know that?” “No I didn’t. I just think you make me amazing.” “How about we’re amazing together?” he asked, kissing Frank. With that the phone started to ring.

“Ignore it,” Jake moaned, going in for another smooch. “It might be important.” “More important than me?” he pouted. “Never.” But the phone was persistent, so Jake begrudgingly released Frank from his arms. “Hello?” “Frank. Thank fuck! Can I come round?” It was Tina and she was sobbing so much Frank could barely make out what she was saying. “Shit. Are you OK? Of course, but what’s happened?” “I’ll explain when I get there.”

And with that Tina hung up. “Are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” remarked Jake as Frank put his phone down. “It was Tina. She sounded really upset. She’s on her way round.” “What now?” “Yeah. I didn’t have much choice.” “Fuck Frank,” huffed Jake. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” Frank took a moment to gaze into his lover’s eyes and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “I think I love you.” Frank’s cheek got rubbed by Jake’s thumb.

“Good. I’m glad to hear it. I love you too. I’ve been in lust before, but with you it’s different. I’m lost in you.” With one last snog Jake ruefully conceded, “I suppose we’d better get dressed before your friend gets here.”

Chapter 14 – An upset As soon as Frank opened the door a whirlwind whooshed into his arms and half collapsed as Tina sought her safe haven. Frank had to help her stand up so he could guide her to the sofa. The air was filled with her pitiful cries, and her face was streaked with tears, her eyes already red and swollen and a trail of snot running from her nose. Frank quickly sought a box of tissues to offer. “Jesus, Tina. What the hell happened? You’re scaring me,” he asked as she wiped at her face with tissues. “He…he…Frank…ooohhh…” she

wailed. “Shh…deep breaths now. You’re here.” “I’ll go make some tea,” Jake offered, making a swift exit out of the room. Of course, he could have done so there, but he was just looking for an excuse to give Tina some space. He didn’t feel he should be there with her in such distress. Tina and Frank barely noticed. “OK. Slowly. That’s better,” Frank soothed as Tina struggled to gain some composure. “Easy breaths. That’s right.” He rubbed her back as he said this. “My father,” Tina blurted out. “He…he phoned me.”

She started sobbing again. “Your father? What the…? But he’s in prison.” Tina shook her head violently, “Apparently not now.” In staggered breaths she managed, “They just let him out. “He said he was coming to see me. “It was awful! He was so angry. “He told me what they did to him in prison. The other inmates…they pick on people like him…they raped him.” She couldn’t get any more words out, as her body was wracked with sobs once more. She felt tremendous guilt; she was the one who had put him in there, and let

those things happen to him, he’d told her as much. When she managed to explain this to Frank he just got angry at her. “No Tina. Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare listen to him! We’ve been through this. You know better.” Jake walked in just in time to overhear but tried to make himself discreet as he put the tea things down on the side. “B..b…but…he…s…s…said…” “NO! He did this. HIM. Not you. He was the one who did those things to you. He is the one at fault. Because of his actions he ended up in prison. You asked for none of this. None! It is not your fault, you hear me?” She launched herself into his arms for a hug, where she couldn’t help but cry

more, but this time with some relief as some of his sense hit home. Jake could only look on. He felt uncomfortable seeing this girl in his lover’s arms. He felt embarrassed by it, but he couldn’t deny the jealousy rising up in him. He didn’t know details, but something was obviously very wrong, and someone had been in prison. He walked the mugs of sweet hot tea over and put them down on the coffee table. “There you go. This will help.” Tina picked up a mug and hugged it with both hands, feeling its warmth. She was still trembling.

“Do you want me to go?” Jake offered. “No. Oh please don’t let me chase you away. I’m so sorry,” Tina apologised. “He doesn’t know. I’ve not told him anything,” Frank informed her. She looked at him quizzically. “Nothing?” “It’s your story to tell. Not mine.” “Then please do say. I don’t think I can.” She brought her legs up to her chest and started sipping the hot tea. As she slowly calmed down, Frank filled Jake in on the details of Tina’s abuse story. Tina looked down at the floor, lost in her own world, not really listening to what the guys were saying. Jake’s mouth

dropped further and further with each revelation. “Fuck! So he just got out and phoned you?” Jake asked, aghast. He had to repeat the question before Tina heard him. She just nodded her response in a daze. “Have you phoned the police?” Tina looked sheepish, “No. I just came straight here. I couldn’t stay in the house. I was terrified he was lurking somewhere.” “Was he? Did you see anyone follow you here?” “No, nobody followed me. I drove here looking in my rear view mirror most of the way. It’s a miracle I didn’t

crash really.” “And he doesn’t know you come here?” “I don’t see how. He wouldn’t even know I’m friends with Frank. How could he? He was in prison when I first met Frank.” “Good. So you’re safe here. You’re staying for the night. And you’re phoning the police right now.” Tina was bolstered up with Jake’s practical attitude. She was thankful he was taking control. The boys were sitting either side of her as she made the phone call. As she hung up she updated the guys. “They’re sending a patrol round to

drive by, just to make sure they can’t see anyone suspicious. And they’ll send an officer round in the morning to get details.” The words sounded mechanical. Frank and Jake each put an arm around her (sitting either side of her). “And we’ll be right here,” Frank assured her. “Would you like something a little stronger than tea?” Tina looked up then, and noticed the remains of the candlelight dinner, the candles still aglow. “Oh my God, I’ve interrupted, haven’t I? I’m so sorry,” she gasped. It was Jake who interjected first, “No worries. They’ll be other nights.”

“Oh no! Oh, I feel so bad now. I’m really sorry.” Frank had got up and poured the rest of the wine out into three glasses. He gave Tina the largest. “Your safety comes first. Honestly, don’t worry. “Oooh…hang on a mo.” He whizzed over to the side and grabbed another bowl, and dished up the sugary Toffee Pecan Roulade. “Here; ultimate comfort food,” he exclaimed. Tina didn’t think she’d manage to eat anything, but after the first mouthful she craved more. She gobbled up the sweet goodness, and it helped ‘bring her back’

a bit. “Thanks guys.” “You’re welcome,” they said in unison. Frank and Jake continued their efforts in calming Tina down. The red wine was soporific and they pointed her towards Pete’s empty bed. Jake was more than happy to scooch up to Frank in his bed. It was a tight squeeze but they didn’t mind. As they quietly waited for Tina’s breathing to slow Jake hugged Frank to his front as they spooned. He planted a kiss on Frank’s neck, making him quiver. “You’re amazing!” he whispered. “How about we’re amazing together?” Frank used Jake’s words from earlier

and grinned. In the morning the trio were all showered and fed by the time the police arrived. Jake had made himself scarce by washing up all the dinner things from the night before. With all the commotion everything had just been left. He used the time to absorb all the information about Tina. He just couldn’t believe one human could do that to another, especially a father to his own daughter. It was barbaric. He felt so upset for the poor girl, and angry at the man. He half hoped Tina’s father did show up, just so he could knock him off his feet. He wasn’t generally violent, but he’d done Martial

Arts in the past, and still kept his muscles in shape. He had no fear of facing off that scumbag. He chuckled at himself and shook his head and the powerful emotion. What had happened to him? He was a lover not a fighter. But then Tina was important to the man he loved; she was like family. He saw that now. And he was very protective of family. “Huh,” he wondered to himself. “So that makes Frank family? I have got it bad,” and he shook his head again as he carried on his washing up ponderings. Jake had re-joined Tina and Frank just in time for the WPC to arrive. They welcomed her in and offered a hot drink,

which of course she declined. Tina insisted the boys stayed in the room with her; she didn’t think she could get through this without them. The police interview was very formal, and matter of fact. Tina thought back all those years when she’d first had to confess her father’s sins to the police. She hadn’t thought she’d have to go through that ordeal again. And nor should she. The WPC explained that Dean had been released but with conditions set upon him. He was on the Sex Offenders Register, and had a restraining order from contacting Tina. He was also supposed to inform the police of his location; something he’d neglected to do.

The police officer explained to Tina that once he was found, Dean would be put back into prison for breaching his conditions. Just one breach would be enough, but he’d broken them twice. The police woman looked at Tina’s mobile phone. Tina hadn’t changed her number, and Dean had called her on that phone. The lady looked at the ‘calls received’ log, and sighed in relief as a number flashed up. “He got cocky and we got lucky!” she muttered. “He’s called from a landline. I’ll get it checked out. Hopefully we’ll be able to locate him from there.” She had written down all the details Tina had provided, and got her to sign

the statement. It would all go on Dean’s record. Tina’s stomach plummeted as she realised she’d have to go through the court process again, and be responsible for putting her father back inside. “Uh huh, I know that look,” admonished Frank. “What?” “Tell me what you were thinking. It was much too guilt ridden. It was written all across your face.” “I was just thinking about going back to court,” she half confessed. “It’s still his fault, Tina. You heard her,” he said nodding at the WPC. “He is in breach of his release order, whatever it is.”

“Your friend’s right,” the police woman said. “He could have lived on the outside if he chose. But he has failed to report his whereabouts, and he has made contact with you. You’ve done the right thing by informing us. And it seems like your friends here will support you. And this time there will be no court. He will be recalled straight back to prison and will have to face a parole board. He’ll be facing an extended sentence for this breach of license.” Tina smiled woefully and thanked her for her kindness. Frank had told Tina she could stay with him as long as she needed. He’d clear it with the uni. He was sure it wouldn’t be

a problem given the circumstances. Tina really didn’t want to go back home whilst her dad was on the loose. She didn’t feel safe there. Come to think of it, she never had felt safe there really. Shortly after the police woman left, Pete came home. “Oi oi saveloy! I just passed the police on my way in. You been up to mischief?” he teased as he came in through the door. “Not funny,” Frank admonished. It was at that moment Pete noticed Tina was there. “Oh, Sorry. I thought it was just you two lads. Everything all right?” “Not really,” Tina said glumly. “Shit. Sorry. I was only teasing. I

didn’t expect the cops to have actually been to see you.” Pete blushed as he realised just how much he’d put his foot in it. “You weren’t to know.” Tina’s eyes were so full of hurt. He would have done anything to wipe all that away, and take back the idiotic things he’d said. Pete went to his part of the room to drop his overnight bag off. “Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed,” he teased in a Goldilocks narrator’s voice. “Still not funny,” Frank shouted over to him. Pete came back over.

“Wow, this really is serious, isn’t it? Would someone like to tell me what the hell’s going on?” “So, he doesn’t know anything either?” Frank chided. “I don’t think I can. Not at the moment.” Pete felt slightly offended. “Tina, you can tell me anything. Please know that. There’s no judgement. If you’re in trouble please let me know how I can help.” “It’s been a rough night, and a horrible morning. I just don’t think I’m up to it right now. Frank. Is there somewhere I can have a bath please? I need to feel clean.”

“Sure. I’ll show you the way.” He grabbed his towel and toiletries and led Tina to the bathroom. “It’s OK. You can lock the door and you won’t be bothered.” Tina gave him a hug before shooing him away. The boys were great, but she needed some time to herself and wash away last night. Before making him go, she did let Frank know he could tell Pete her tale. “I think it might be better coming from you.” “I know. But I just can’t right now. Just tell him the basics and I’ll go through it with him some other time. Call it

therapy!” “If you’re not ready to tell him then I shouldn’t either.” “This situation is going to get messy. He needs to know what’s going on. It’s not exactly ideal timing. To be honest, I’d rather not have the conversation with him at all. Not yet anyway. You’re the only person I’ve ever really told. I don’t want the whole world knowing.” “Pete isn’t the whole world. He’s just one person. And you have a point; he does need to know, at least that there’s a strange man he needs to be on the lookout for. “For what it’s worth I don’t think he’ll tell anyone else. And look at what he’s studying. It’ll be good practice for him,”

Frank teased, which earned him a playful slap on the arm. “I can’t avoid it, can I?” “No not really. I’ll pave the way if that’s what you want. Then you know it won’t be a total shock.” “Cool. Thanks,” she said as she grabbed him close before pushing him away. Back in his room, Frank spoke to Pete. “Right, sit down.” Pete dutifully obeyed, and Frank told him what he needed to know. “Oh crap,” was his response. “Why didn’t she tell me? Oh shit, the things I said!” he looked horrified at himself.

“You didn’t know.” “Yeah, but if I had. So, the police are out looking for her dad now?” “Yeah. Hopefully they’ll be able to arrest him quickly. But until then at least I’ve said she can stay with us.” “Sure. She can have my bed. I’ll sleep on the couch, or my mate’s or something.” “Cool. Thanks. And she never goes out alone until he’s caught, right?” “Agreed,” Jake and Pete chimed. “Ah man, what a mess!” Pete said, pushing his hands through his hair. “Tell me about it. I hoped she’d never had to go through this again. She shouldn’t have to. She’s been through

enough.” Their conversation as Tina walked back in. “Ummm…I have a problem!” “Another one?” Jake teased before he could stop the words coming out. He slapped a hand over his mouth. “Sorry. Didn’t mean...” “Jake, you’re a bitch, but I accept that,” she said, teasing in return. Her bath had really helped her come back to normality. Well, as normal as it got for her, she’d mused. “I know in the great scheme of things it’s trivial, but if I’m going to be here a while, like any more hours, I could

really do with some clean clothes.” “Oh!” Frank’s face fell as the obvious hit him. “Right, well I’ll go.” “You won’t know what to get.” To herself she added, “And I’m due on soon, but there’s no way I’m asking you to collect my ‘lady things’.” “You’re not going alone.” “Fine, you can drive. Anyone else coming along for the ride?” Jake didn’t want to be parted from Frank, and Pete was in full on protection mode, so all four squeezed into the compact car. As Tina approached her house, with a great deal of trepidation, she had her

own bodyguards all around her. Still, she didn’t want to be there any longer than she had to. She ran upstairs and grabbed what she thought she’d need, stuffing it into a rucksack and a holdall. She left a scribbled note for her mum, telling her she was staying with a friend for a while, and she could be reached on her mobile. She didn’t think her mum would care too much. They still barely talked. The divide between them had only grown as each kept their silence. Pete and Jake squeezed themselves back into the back of the car, and Frank continued chauffeur duty. They’d not got far when they had to stop at a junction.

“Ummm…Tina, flip down your sun visor like you’re doing your make up. I don’t want to worry you, but that car back there…it’s hanging back too much…” Pete had to duck his head to the side so Tina could see out the back. The mirror wasn’t good enough, and she had to physically look behind her. “Oh my God, I think it’s him. He’s quite far behind, but it looks like it.” She started to panic. “Don’t drive back to the uni.” Pete’s voice was calm and authoritative. “Just act natural, like you’ve not noticed, Frank. It’s OK. We’ll just drive to the police station. Can you do that?”

“Yeah. No problem,” he said, a little shakily as he pulled away. As they drove further Frank saw the car trailing them. “Good. We want him to follow us. Tina, have you got a pen and paper in your handbag.” “Yeah” “Quick, pass it to me.” She rummaged in her bag and found the requested items. She awkwardly passed them behind her. “Great. Thanks. Frank. Can you see his reg number?” Frank read it out, and informed him of the car make, model and colour. “Excellent. Got ya, you fucker,” he

sneered. They carried on with their journey, with Tina’s father following them at a distance. They arrived at the police station, and started to hurry inside. Tina’s father sped past as he realised too late where they’d been headed. The foursome were shouting at the duty officer in their anxiety. “One at a time. Please.” he demanded. Tina took the lead. “My dad; I reported him last night. He’s on the Sex Offenders Register. He has a restraining order. Please. He just followed us. Please get someone out there and follow him. Quickly!”

“Slow down. Can I take your name please?” “Just get a car out there now! You’ll lose him!” she screeched. “Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. Give me your name, please.” Tina could have throttled him. Was he deliberately being obstructive? She had no choice but to slowly, oh so slowly supply the officer with the requested details. He must have been finally satisfied as he got on the radio and put a call out, giving details of the car and the direction it was last headed in.

Chapter 15 – Recapture The police had tracked down the vehicle from its registration, and went to the listed residence. Their luck held and Dean was there. Of course he put up a struggle and pleaded innocence. But he had been arrogant enough to use the landline at his flat and the records were traced. Dean was indeed taken straight back to prison as the WPC had envisioned. His treatment inside was even worse than before. Even sex offenders have a code, and paedophilia is on their hit list. They visited unto him what he had done unto his daughter, only it was not gentle, and left him torn and bleeding often.

The ‘narks’ turned a blind eye if they even happened to notice; they had no sympathy for him either. His life became a living hell. With the help of her friends, Tina came to realise it had been a lucky escape. It could have been far worse. She couldn’t bring herself to fully explore the horrible possibilities if she had gone to her house alone. He had been angry and she suspected more than a little crazy; he would have been capable of anything. But as it was he was now back where he belonged and she had to start building up her life again. It wasn’t easy; her father had shocked the hell out of her. She thought her past

had been all behind her, but he came in like a wrecking ball. She had taken a few days off work, and her friends took it in turns to stay with her. Frank blew off some lectures just so she wouldn’t be alone. But she was faced with a dilemma. That house had always been one where bad things happened. And now this had added to the painful memories, she just couldn’t bring herself to go back home. She discussed her options with Frank. “You have been working a while now, right?” he asked her. “Yeah.” “And I know you. You’ve been saving,

right?” “Yeah.” “So, do you have enough for a deposit on a rented flat?” “Well, I suppose so.” She wasn’t quite sure how much she needed, and her pay wasn’t massive. She’d still been giving money to her mum, so her savings weren’t as high as she’d have liked. “What if I spoke to my dad? He has a couple of properties. He sees it as his pension fund. I’m sure he’d give you a reduced rate. I know we don’t want to be indebted to him, but if he can let you rent a place of your own cheaply, wouldn’t that be a start?”

“Well, yeah. I guess instead of having to pay mum I’ll just pay your dad. That could work. But then I’d have to pay for all my own food.” They sat down and did some sums, something which Tina was now exceptionally good at. It was rather depressing, as after rent and bills she wouldn’t have much left, but she could survive. She had few other options, so she let Frank speak to his dad about it. That evening Frank telephoned his dad. Having exchanged pleasantries he broached the subject, “Dad, do you have any vacant flats at the moment?” “Not really, why do you ask?” “Well, Tina’s having an even tougher time at home at the moment, and she was

hoping to move out. I thought maybe you could help her out?” he asked hopefully. “Ah, why didn’t you say? Actually I have a plan I was going to surprise you with, but it may as well be now. A couple of months ago I came across a really good property close to the university. It’s a two bedroom flat. I thought you two could have one room and let the other, so they’d still be an income coming in. Then, when you leave uni and get a job I can rent it out to other students. It should be a nice little earner. But it needed some work, so it’s still being refurbished at the moment.” Frank was stunned. How much longer would he have to keep up this façade? He hated lying to his dad, but it was the

only way, at least until he could stand on his own two feet. “Errr…that sounds great. Can I speak to Tina about it and get back to you?” He hurriedly ended the call and relayed the details to Tina. “Oh Frank, what the hell are we going to do? Pretending to be your girlfriend is one thing, but moving in with you? He’ll have us marching up the aisle next. It’s just too much.” “I know, but what could I say? He’s still paying my course fees. I can’t do this without him. I hate it, I really do.” His head bowed down and his palms were on the back of his head. The two tried to discuss the pros and cons rationally, but it was just a step too far.

Jake came in to see Frank, who confessed his father’s master plan. Jake just beamed. “It’s perfect.” “What? Have you lost your mind?” “No no no. Hear me out, right. Two bedrooms. So Tina has bedroom number two and I share the other with you?” “Woah! You; I only just got together with. Tina would be the one paying rent. Wouldn’t that look a little bit suspect?” “Hang on,” piped up Tina. “I get to move out. You two have your little love nest. This could work.” “But the payments?” “You’re being far too simplistic. I’m the one with an income, so yes I have to

pay rent.” “Exactly.” “But who says it has to come from my account?” “Huh?” “Oh Frank, do think. I set up a Direct Debit for the money to go into Jake’s account. Jake’s Direct Debit pays your father. On the books it looks as if Jake’s paying. Your dad’s happy. We’re happy.” “Unless you don’t want to live with me?” Jake pouted. “Well, it’s a bit sudden. I just don’t know I’m ready, Jake. I love you.” “Great,” interrupted Jake. “I love you, you love me, we should live in happy harmony,” he sang.

“Aww you two!” Tina cooed. There was no argument to be had. That weekend Tina moved into the flat, and the trio set to work on decorating. And Pete popped in to help when he could. All the remodelling, plastering and rewiring had been done. It was habitable. Once the semester was over the boys would move in too. It gave them a bit more time to test their new relationship, and moving out of halls at that point was just more hassle than it was worth. It was a nice small block of flats, and on a bus route to town. They even got a parking space for their little car, which now didn’t have to be used very often, but was handy for weekends.

The price of a shared flat was much cheaper than renting a flat all to herself, so Tina found she had enough left over to put into savings. She put as much as she could into a cash ISA so it would accrue as much interest as possible. Then once university was over, she could move out on her own properly, so Frank and Jake could have their own space (once they started earning too). It was only another year; they could carry on the deceit a little longer, couldn’t they? Frank’s father had already purchased magnolia paint to go on every wall, but the pretend pair managed to convince him a splash of colour would make the

place more cheery, and therefore increase rental potential. The intended future tenants were students, who wouldn’t want it to be too dull. So they painted the bathroom an aqua blue, and bought some seaside knickknacks to complete the look. The kitchen was black and white and the decided red appliances would look stylish. Tina, Frank and his father made a trip to Ikea one weekend and bought some simple wardrobes, two double beds and a sofa. As they went round the store they also decided on some bedside cabinets and a coffee table. They also found some nifty kitchen items. Frank’s father was footing the

bill, and was pleasantly surprised at the reasonable prices. He dropped the ‘kids’ and their bounty off at the flat and left them to “set up home” on their own. Tina really enjoyed assembling the flat-pack furniture, and felt very grown up. Once the place was finished Frank’s dad paid a visit to cast his seal of approval. He had to commend Tina on her eye for taste. And agreed not to hound them with landlord visits. He was happy they’d keep the place clean and tidy, and left with a warning of, “Because if you don’t they’ll be hell to pay.” Tina didn’t feel alone. She made friends with her neighbours, and often

had chats with them in passing in the hallway. The boys started staying at weekends, but she had most of the week to herself. Sometimes Pete would pop by and they’d have cosy evenings together, but still they weren’t intimate. Not yet. Tina worked during the week, and relished her time alone. She had some exams coming up, so she could study in peace. Life was feeling pretty good for a change. She hoped this was her fresh new start, heaven knew she’d earned it. Pete was very patient and understanding. Once Tina had filled him in on all the details he didn’t push her, but allowed her her own space and time.

He understood she needed time to learn to trust. They had lots of kisses and cuddles, and slowly she began to relax. Wrapped up in his arms the words ‘trust’ and ‘safe’ sprang to mind. But if he got carried away during their embrace, and his hands wandered she’d tense up as flashbacks shot through her. He soon learned to keep himself under control, but his frustration grew. He wanted to be with her, show her how much she meant to him, to be inside her. But she backed away as soon as he tried to get anywhere near that stage. Months passed and Tina sat her exams. Pete took her out to dinner to celebrate. He’d bought a bottle of Cava and

poured it when she invited him into the flat. The bubbles tickled as she sipped, and she delighted in the sweet taste. “Tina. I don’t want to push you, but may I stay over tonight?” “Pete, you know how I feel.” “I know. But I want to try something. Don’t you trust me by now?” “Of course, but...” “Just listen. I know you feel something for me. And you know I love you.” “Yeah.” “We can take it one step at a time. We’ll go really slowly. You can stop whenever you want. You’ll be in full control. I promise. You need to get over this at some point. Please trust me

enough to be the one to help you. Please. I hate seeing you upset. You’re not a victim any longer. You’re a survivor, Tina!” Even at the thought of sex Tina’s heart was racing. She bit her lip, her mind battling the contradicting thoughts. Part of her desperately wanted to make love to Pete; he was kind and caring and he did make her body feel alive. But the other part of her was warning her with the memory of that boy years ago, how he’d run for the hills as she started screaming like a banshee. But Pete wasn’t like that. She knew deep down he was there for her. Hadn’t he proved that enough by now? His blue eyes were looking at her,

beseeching her for an answer. “I’m not your father, Tina. No man will ever be able to do anything you don’t want ever again. You’re an adult now. You make your own choices.” Tina slowly nodded. “Yes?” he checked. She carried on nodding. “OK.” He stood up and led her by the hand to her bedroom. He switched the lights on. She needed to see him. He bent his head down to carefully kiss her. She could feel her tension but kissed on anyway. “Tell me what you want Tina.” “I can’t.”

“Why?” “I feel stupid.” “OK. Show me. Do you want my shirt to come off?” She nodded and he slowly unbuttoned it, keeping his eyes on her, watching her reactions. She was impressed with his lightly tanned, delicately muscled torso. He had no chest hair. Her hand smoothed over his bare skin, biting her lip. “You like?” She smiled a little and let her hands carry on wandering. He stood completely still as she reached for his belt buckle, and slowly undid it.

He took a deep breath in as she undid the button and zipper on his trousers. She lowered the waistline and he wiggled a little to help her release him from his trousers completely. He was standing in front of her in just his boxer shorts. “Tell me what you want now, Princess.” At that she jumped back like a startled deer. “Shit, sorry. Which bit?” “Please don’t call me Princess.” He stretched out his hand to her, and got down on one knee. “Sorry m’lady. It won’t happen again. I pledge my oath.”

He looked so daft she had to smile. She took a step towards him and he brought her down to sit on his knee. She felt so right snuggled next to him, even if it did hurt his knee a bit. He gently nudged her off. “Pray, how should I proceed m’lady?” “Boxer shorts off,” she commanded and he obeyed. He was completely naked, his erection jutting out. “Aher…sorry about that,” he said nodding towards his phallus. Tina took deep breaths. “I can do this” she told herself, but realised she was still biting her lip. “Come here?” he asked softly.

He pulled her to him so he could plant the softest of kisses on her mouth. That got her fires burning, and she kissed him harder. This is what made it the most different. Her father had never kissed her, not like this. This felt real. This expressed love, proper love. She felt the heat and moistness grow between her legs. “I need you to touch me,” she said quietly. “That may require some removal of clothing?” he pointed out. Tina let out an embarrassed chuckle. She slipped off her knickers, and guided Pete’s hand up her legs, under her dress.

The heat grew the closer he got, and he needed him to reach her sweet spot with growing urgency. She felt like her whole body would burst when his fingers reached the desired location. She leaned her body into his fingers more as he glided his fingers along her silky wetness. She buried her head in his shoulder and reached her arms around him. More, she needed more. She brought her mouth up to his and locked their lips together for all she was worth. Her hunger for him grew. Their tongues merged and slipped together, his fingers carrying on their merry dance all the while. She brought a knee up to get more friction. He rubbed

harder and she had to break off the kiss to groan out loud. His finger and thumb were now against her bud and were rubbing and squeezing, harder and harder until she cried out his name as she came. He let her catch her breath, holding her close to him. He nuzzled into her hair, smelling her sweet floral perfume. “We can leave it there if you want to,” he told her. “Don’t you bloody dare,” she warned him. She was riding high on the back of her first ever orgasm, and she didn’t want to stop now. That was extraordinary. “More please,” she grinned, and even

dared to remove her dress. His eyes went wide at the sight of her slender white body. She was like a beautiful sexy porcelain doll. Her red hair had come out of its clip, and was cascading around her shoulders. She lowered herself onto the bed, keeping her bra on, still needing something to hide behind. She quickly pulled the covers over her, but beckoned him over. “Are you sure you don’t want to go on top?” “Sure.” He donned protection and circumnavigated the duvet and pulled it over his back as he lowered himself on

top of her. Her legs automatically widened to accept him. “OK?” he double checked, sure that she must be freaking out over him asserting power in this way. “Just get on with it,” she uttered, slightly irritably. Well, that told him! He still entered her slowly and carefully, making sure she was OK. As soon as he was in she was begging for more with her hips. “As you command m’lady,” he muttered as he thrust forwards. “Wait,” she suddenly exclaimed. ‘Shit, not now,’ he thought, but held his own counsel. “Kiss me,” she pleaded.

‘Thank fuck for that,’ he thought to himself, and happily obliged. She tried to keep her eyes open, to focus on him, but she couldn’t help it. Her rapture demanded she close her eyes. He was making her feel so good; this was so far removed from the atrocities of yore. He looked lovingly yet heatedly at her as he thrust into her. His passion and love were clearly evident. ‘Safe’ came to mind once again, quickly followed by ‘more’. Her body took over, bucking and thrashing trying to get more of him inside her, to feel that delicious cock moving, filling her. She roared as she tightened around

him, once more giving in to her climax. It shook her to her very core. She was vaguely aware of his eager thrusts as he too fell over the edge into the abyss of his own orgasm. Their bodies stilled and they drew ragged breaths, perspiration glistening on their bodies. “Wow,” she said in wonder. “Wow,” he echoed. “So that’s what it should be like?” “Yeah, I guess so.” “Guess?” “Babe, it’s never felt that good with anyone else.” “I bet you say that to all the girls.” “No, I mean it. Just wow!”

That earned him a giggle. “I never thought. I never expected. I didn’t think I’d go through with it.” “I’m very glad you did,” he said, kissing her. “Yeah, me too. Thank you.” “Pleasure’s mine, m’lady,” he smiled. If he was being honest, he didn’t think she’d go all the way either. His aim had really been just to get her to lie next to him, maybe with their tops off, and gradually build up her confidence. But then her impetuous nature took over; the one he loved her for. But she’d surprised them both. He’d read that people who had been

sexually abused often had problems climaxing, which clearly was not the case with Tina. He wasn’t going to take this for granted though; she had almost run off when he used the wrong pet name. He was sure they’d be other key words, other actions he’d need to stay clear of. He just hoped she’d let him know. They lay there holding on to each other, revelling in the closeness. This too was new for Tina. That feeling of togetherness, of being two parts of one whole. She felt she had recaptured something she hadn’t known was lost. Part of her felt sad that her view of sex had been so brutally marred before, but the larger

part told that part to shut up, and enjoy the wonders of now. They eventually got up and had some more Cava, as Tina felt a double celebration was now called for. By the time they both crawled back into bed she felt really quite tipsy. Pete cuddled up behind her, and she was soon softly snoring in the sanctuary of his strong arms.

Chapter 16 – A Change of Course It was soon time for Jake and Frank to move in. Their relationship was blooming, and Tina was ecstatic to see her best friend so happy. She was really excited about their flat share. Pete joined them in a flat warming party, and the gang all came along too. There wasn’t much room, but they all squeezed into the flat, they ended up sitting on the floor, drinking, listening to music and laughing. Fiona had split up with her boyfriend, and Tina found herself being a shoulder for her to cry on for the first part of the evening, but once they all got going she relaxed into the party atmosphere.

Jake nearly decked one of the lads for daring Frank to passionately kiss Pete in a round of Truth or Dare. Pete declared, “Hey, I’m not scared. I’m happy with who I am,” as he puckered up to kiss Frank. It was one of the most pathetic displays Tina had seen, and Jake also noticed the complete lack of passion. Still, as Frank sat back down he sidled up to him and put his arm around him, clearly marking his territory. Tina just pecked Pete’s cheek as he retook his place next to her. “Nice try Romeo,” she said snidely. “Well, I couldn’t unleash my full charm, could I? I’d hate to make you two

jealous,” he winked indicating her and Jake. They partied long into the night, and some people crashed on the lounge floor whilst others left. Pete should really have gone back to his parents’ over the summer, but he ended up staying with Tina. He only had one more year left of his undergraduate course, and they all decided he could share Tina’s room. He paid her the money his parents would have paid rent anywhere else, and the extra money coming in made sure they were all well fed. Of course, Tina also managed to squirrel some more away into her precious savings too. And it helped Tina

feel less of a gooseberry. Jake and Frank were pretty full on sometimes. That next year of university was tough; the intense studying really hit them hard. One day as they were alone in the flat Jake sat next to Frank on the sofa. His hands were steepled in prayer in front of his mouth, and his breath whistled as he blew out a large sigh. “This isn’t working out Frank.” Poor Frank felt like he’d been hit in the stomach. His eyes were wide with panic. He could swear his heart stopped beating. “It’s not?” he asked, voice quivering. “No. What do you see in our future?” “I don’t really know. I guess I’d not

really thought that far.” “Well I have. Frank, I’m not stupid. Once you finish this course you’ll need to go onto a postgrad, and you’ll also need to volunteer. I know how much you want to be a museum curator, and I think you’ll be perfect.” “Not if it means losing you,” he almost cried. “What? No. Oh, bloody drama queen! Who said anything about losing me?” “You did!” “Mouth closed, ears open. I meant my Law degree. You’ve still got years of studying and hardship ahead of you. Well, if I carry on the path to law so do I. We’re only supposed to be in this flat for a year. How will we afford to live

after that?” “Ummm…” “Shh…I’m still talking.” Frank made an ‘oo-ooo’ sound before letting his boyfriend continue. “As I was saying, we can’t afford to live. And honestly, I think I’m failing my course. I’ve really been struggling, and my heart’s really not in it. My dad wanted me to become a bigshot lawyer, but that’s really not me. I need to talk to my dad, see if he’ll help, but I’ve been thinking.” “Uh oh!” “I’m still in pretty good shape. I could become a Personal Fitness Instructor.” Frank sprayed as he laughed. “I’m serious. I know it won’t bring in

much, but actually I think it’s what I want to do.” “Really?” “Is it so hard to believe?” “Well, I’m not sure how I feel about you hanging around with other fit men all the time.” “Jealous much?” “Yeah, a bit.” Jake kissed him quickly, “You’re the only man for me.” “Promise?” “Promise. And besides, I think most of my clients are likely to be bored housewives.” “Well that’s OK then,” Frank smirked, kissing him back.

Jake decided this was a conversation he needed to have face-to-face with his dad. So he waited for Christmas, and took Frank with him. Frank was obviously nervous. This was suddenly a massive step. He and Jake were planning a future together, and he was meeting his parents. “Hi sweetie.” Jake’s mum wrapped him up in the kind of bear hug only mothers can give as soon as she opened the door. “Oh, and you must be Frank,” she declared as she gave him a gentler hug. “Hi Mrs Patterson.” “Oh, Helen, please.” Frank gave her a boyish grin as she

hurried them inside. “They’re here,” she called out to her husband. He appeared in the hallway and gave his son a manly hug and shook Frank’s hand. “Pleased to meet you.” “Pleased to meet you too sir,” Frank said meekly. “Harry,” he corrected. Jake led the way up to his old bedroom so they could dump their bags. He took the opportunity to give Frank a reassuring hug. “I told you they wouldn’t bite,” he said. “Yeah, but I didn’t expect them to be

that friendly. Your parents are so cool. Are you sure we’re meant to be sharing this room?” “Of course. They know we share a flat, you know.” “Yeah, but there’s knowing, and inviting it under your own roof.” “Look, not everybody’s parents were brought up in the dark ages. I’m sorry your dad was, but my folks are free thinkers. But we should get back downstairs before we’re missed.” But he made time for a quick smooch, just to remind Frank just how much he loved him. “I’ve got a nice Cottage Pie on the go. It’s nearly ready. I thought you boys would like a nice home cooked meal.

I’m sure he exaggerates about what he eats,” she confided to Frank. “Look at him, he’s still thin.” “Actually, he cooks really well,” Frank admitted. “He seems to be able conjure anything out of nothing.” Helen beamed with pride. “Well, of course he had a good teacher.” They all sat around the wooden kitchen table by the range as Jake’s mum dished up the meat and potato dish. The whole meal and atmosphere was warm and homely. They started off chatting happily, and got to know each other. But Jake decided he had better get it over with quick. “Dad…?”

“Yeeees…?” He knew that tone; he wanted something. “What would you say if I quit law?” “Quit? Why would you want to do that?” He was surprised, but not angry. “Well, I’m just a bit shit at it really.” “Not terribly eloquent son, but I suppose it’s honest. I presume you have something else in mind?” “Well, um, yeah. I kinda want to become a fitness instructor.” His dad nearly choked on his Cottage Pie. “A…a fitness instructor? I see. Why this sudden change of heart?” he asked, raising one eyebrow in Frank’s direction.

He was starting to wonder if he should like this boyfriend of his son’s. “It’s not his fault dad. Frank’s studying to be an art museum curator.” “And what’s that got to do with the price of eggs?” “He has years of studying ahead of him, and well, I’d like to earn some money.” “As a fitness instructor?” “Yes.” “Once Frank qualifies he’ll be able to earn enough, so it’s only until then.” “And you can support the two of you for years on the earnings of a fitness instructor, can you?” “No. Not exactly.”

“I see,” he stated, having a bad feeling his bank account was going to get drained. “I think we need to discuss this further later. Let’s review your options?” “Fine.” Jake huffed. “Who’s for dessert?” his mum said breezily to try to lift the sudden drop in mood. She quickly brought out Jam Roly Poly with custard. “Thanks, that was delicious,” Frank said as he dropped his spoon in surrender. “I just can’t eat any more.” He leant back and rubbed his belly as he gazed on at the leftovers in his bowl.

“Oh good,” Jake cheered, grabbing his bowl and polishing off the dessert. “Pig!” Frank chided. Helen started clearing the plates and Frank jumped up. “I’ll help you,” he said a little too eagerly. Taking his cue, Jake took his dad into the sitting room to have that chat. As he passed, Jake felt Frank squeeze his hand. “Good luck,” Frank whispered. Jake pulled a ‘worried’ face. Clearing the plates turned out to be easy; clear plates, rinse, place in dishwasher. But Helen poured them each a glass of wine and sat back down at the dinner table so get better acquainted,

leaving father and son to slog out their arguments on Jake’s future. “Now before you get all het up…” Jake’s dad held out his hand in a gesture of ‘calm’ as he took a seat in an armchair. “I just want to make sure you’ve thought this through, that’s all.” “Of course I have.” “So you and Frank are that serious?” “Yes. Dad, he’s the one. I simply can’t imagine my future without him in it.” “Your future as a fitness instructor?” “Don’t start.” “Alright alright. It’s just I thought you wanted to be a lawyer.” “Not really dad. That was more what

you wanted me to do.” “Oh, but you know I would have supported you whatever profession you chose.” “Yes, but I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I sort of went along with it. And I’ve tried really hard. But I’m just not cut out for it. I can just about keep up with the studying, just. But it’s the people, they drive me bonkers. I really don’t fit in. And if I don’t fit in I’ll never make all the right contacts.” “So let’s say I agree with your decision to stop studying law. For now at least. I fully respect you want to start earning money. Eventually I’d like to see some of mine come back.” “Dad!”

“I know. The chances of you repaying me are somewhere between slim and none. It still leaves us with the sticky wicket of you earning enough to support the pair of you. How much do fitness instructors earn?” “I could probably bring home about £20,000, at a push.” “And you’re going to pay board and lodgings with that for two people?” “What else could you do? I’m not saying no, just think about the alternatives. Please, just humour me.” “I could be a stripper. That would pay well.” “Don’t be clever. I’m just asking.” “I’m good with people, and I’m good

with fitness.” “You’re set on this, aren’t you?” “Yes. I’ve found a course. I can complete my level 2 diploma in just six weeks. And start earning right away.” “How much?” “£1,500.” “Well, I supposed if I’m not going to have to pay any more tuition fees.” “Thanks dad.” He launched himself at him in a hug. “I’ll make you proud of me.” “Jake, I already am,” he said with a sudden lump in his throat. And so it came to pass; Jake got set up as a fitness instructor whilst Frank carried on with his studies, and

completed his course. He even managed to set up an internship. Jake was incredibly charismatic and he soon had a waiting list of people wanting him to help them get fit. He had a firm but fair approach, and was able to push people to get the most out of their exercise without sounding like a drill sergeant. As his clients started to get results so the word of mouth spread. Tina really knuckled down with her studies that year too, and got through her AAT with flying colours. Her employers gave her a bonus for getting her award, and also a modest pay rise. Pete finished his undergraduate course with a 2:1, and so was all set to take his next steps to becoming a counselling

psychologist. That year they all had something to celebrate. They all felt as if they were making ripples in the pool of maturity.

Chapter 17 - Jubilation Near the end of the semester, Jake and Frank were wandering around campus on a lunch break. Jake sometimes found time to have lunch with his boyfriend; it was one of the joys of running his own business. He was in charge of his own schedule, client demand permitting. They walked across the green, down a path, past the water feature, down a grassy slope, and past some bushes. They were now completely alone in their grassy secluded spot. “I remember this place,” Jake remarked. “Mmmm…where we had our first

kiss.” Frank smiled at the memory, and tried to ignore the following argument they’d had. Jake got down on one knee, and pulled out a ring box. “Frank. I love you more than you will ever know. You mean the world to me. You are my world.” Frank’s hands had gone up to his mouth in shock, and he took a deep breath. Jake continued, “Please would you do me the honour of marrying me?” “Oh my God,” Frank gasped. “Yes, yes I will!” Jake leaped up and grabbed Frank and hugged him, kissing him passionately.

This time there was no hesitation, Frank no longer had concerns over who may see them. In that moment he truly was the happiest he’d ever been. This wonderful man was declaring himself to him forever, and he knew it’s where he belonged. And he wanted the whole world to know. Jake fumbled with the box and put the ring on Frank’s left ring finger, beaming as he did so. They had come so far in such a short time, but he knew this was right. It was as if they’d been made for each other. They broke the good news to all their friends when they were at the pub later. A huge cheer went round their circle,

and the drinks flowed freely. Jake’s parents were equally happy for them, when Jake phoned them. They were just happy their son was happy. But Frank’s stomach was in knots. He still hadn’t told his dad he was gay. How could he tell him he was getting married…to a man? The answer seemed to come to him from Divine intervention, when a few days later his phone rang. “Frank. It’s time for you to move out of that flat,” his father gruffed. “Yes. I know. I’m looking.” “Well before you do anything foolish, I just wanted you to know there’s money in your account.” “What?”

“I just transferred some money to you. I sold a property. It was always my intention. Tina’s a lovely girl, and I want you two to have the best start in life together. I know it’s serious. I thought I’d let you choose where.” “Thanks. I don’t know what to say. I’m gobsmacked.” “A thank you will suffice.” “B…b…but what if it’s n… n….n….not Tina,” he stammered, his heart racing. He felt sick. “What do you mean not Tina? You’ve not broken up, have you?” “Not exactly.” “Then what’s going on?”

Frank took a deep breath. “It never was Tina. She’s just a friend. My best friend, and I’m not sure I deserve her.” “But you’ve been dating. You’re living together. I don’t understand.” “No. I suppose you wouldn’t. Look, the thing is I’m gay.” “Now we discussed this. You got over it. It was just a phase.” His father’s voice was rising in volume as well as pitch. He felt liked he’d just been slapped in the face. His son had been lying to him? He felt mocked, like he’d been played for a fool. “Dad. I’m sorry, but you have to know.

I’ve been dating this guy, and we’re getting married.” “Married?” he screamed. “Yeah. His parents are happy for us. I hope you can be. But that’s your choice. I’m marrying Jake. You can either accept it and give us your blessing, or you can leave us alone.” The line went dead as his father hung up, shocked to his core. Jake had been holding Frank’s hand the entire conversation, and he now wrapped his arms around him. “There, it’s done. You were so strong, Frank. You stood up to him. You were honest. The worst is over.” He rubbed Frank’s back as he whispered this in his ear. Frank just

began crying. “What have I done?” he howled. “What have I done?” “Become independent.” “But I’ve hurt him.” “No. He’s hurt him, not you. What did he say?” “He hung up.” He was already calming down, but felt numb. “Oh! Oh well. You’ve given him his choice. He either accepts it or not. But at least he knows.” “But he’d just transferred money over for me to put a deposit down on a place with Tina.” “He what?”

“Yeah. I should have told him so long ago, Jake.” “He didn’t really give you the opportunity, did he?” “No.” “It’s alright.” “How can you say that?” Jake backed away from him a little and looked his fiancé in the eyes. “I can say it because you have me!” Frank smiled and wiped away his tears. “Yeah, I guess I do, don’t I?” “For better or for worse.” They had a short engagement, not wanting to wait. That summer they got married in a beautiful country

house/hotel. All their friends were there, as well as Jake’s parents. The happy couple wore matching blue suits, and looked incredibly handsome. The newly-weds managed to sneak outside for a quick breath of fresh air after the sumptuous meal. They started to wander across the lawn when they were interrupted. “Frank,” a female voice shouted. “Mother,” Frank shrieked as he ran towards her. She held out a wrapped present. “Your father would be so cross if he knew I was here. He thinks I’m at one of my WI meetings. I can’t stay long,” she apologised.

“But I couldn’t stay away. I had to see my boy get married.” “I love you mum,” he replied, tears welling in his eyes. “I love you too Frank. I’m proud of you no matter what. I need you to know that.” “Thanks. That means a lot.” They quickly hugged, and Frank found a motherly kiss being planted on his forehead just before she wiped away her lipstick mark with her finger. “Mum, this is my husband, Jake.” “Pleased to meet you,” Jake said holding out his hand, but he too found himself in Frank’s mother’s arms. “I’m so sorry,” she began. “Frank’s father, he’s…well, he’s very

traditional.” “I understand.” “Anyway, I just wanted to pop by and say congratulations.” “Thanks for coming. I know it means a lot to Frank, as well as me.” She grabbed Frank again for one final hug. “I’m sorry I’m not stronger for you.” “You came. That’s all that matters.” And then she was gone. The husbands took a moment to look at each other in stunned silence. “She seems nice,” Jake finally managed to say. “Yeah, she is. I have no idea how she ended up with my father.”

“Hey, you OK?” Jake asked, placing a tender hand on Frank’s cheek. “Yeah.” “Jake. Frank,” a voice called from the house. They went as they were summonsed. “Everything OK?” Jake’s mum asked, concerned at the solemnity evident on their faces. “Yeah. It just all got a bit overwhelming,” Jake explained as they all headed back inside to get on with the reception. Tina approached them as they reentered the room. “I wanted to give you this,” she said, shyly for her.

Accepting the offered gift Frank planted a quick peck on Tina’s cheek. “Thanks. Should I open it now?” She nodded enthusiastically. “Yes. I insist actually.” His curiosity peeked, Frank began carefully unwrapping. His mouth opened wide as the most wonderful painting was revealed. Tina had painted a triptych; on the left was a troll, fresh from battle, like the ones Frank used to draw. On the right was a handsome blonde haired, green eyed prince. In the middle was a bright golden flash above two handsome princes, the blonde one was holding hands with a prince

who had shaggy brown hair and a cheeky grin, a sparkle glinting in his hazel eyes. “It’s perfect,” Frank beamed. “You really think so?” “I really think so,” he said planting another kiss. “Thank you so much.” “Well, you had to have something to show for slaying your demons.” “I already do,” he said as he took Jake’s hand in his. “I think you’re doing a pretty good job of demon slaying yourself.” “Yes. Maybe I am,” she smiled as she felt her hand yanked to draw her back onto the dancefloor. Pete was in full swing, and wanted to enjoy this evening with his girlfriend.

Everyone had a great time, drinking and dancing the night away, all in celebration of the happy couple.

Chapter 18 – Tribulation and Revelation But just as they were all feeling jubilant Tina received some news. She was informed a few weeks after the wedding that her father had taken his own life in prison. His own torment had apparently shown him what he had put his daughter through, and he couldn’t deal with the guilt and shame. Nor could he continue his ordeal of life behind bars. Tina supposed she should feel sad, but her initial feeling was one of relief. She felt guilty about that, but she was just grateful she’d never have to face him again.

She never had to fear him seeking her out. She realised he probably wouldn’t have been that stupid again, knowing the threat of repeated incarceration was real, but she would have had that fear. He had clearly become mentally unstable. She felt sad about that. And in time she was able to grieve in her own way. Apparently her parents had got divorced when her father had been imprisoned. She wasn’t surprised, but she was hurt her mum hadn’t told her. She hadn’t spoken to her since she’d left home. She supposed maybe one day they would find each other again, but for now she was happy to keep her distance. As a result of the divorce, she was the

sole beneficiary. It turned out her father did have a savings account, and her mother had known nothing about it. She also received a small life insurance pay out. It wasn’t massive, but it was enough to help her get set up in life. Unlike her friend, she wasn’t ready to settle down yet though. But inspired by Frank’s father, she put a deposit down on a small house to let it out. The tenants effectively paid the mortgage. She’d heard a lot about ‘investing in bricks and mortar’ and it seemed to make sound financial sense. Tina was too quiet and reflective as she tried to get her head around her father’s passing. Pete was getting

worried about her. He suggested taking her away on holiday to escape from it all. It was summer, and he could take time out of his volunteer duties, and she took some time off work. She left all the arrangements to him, but insisted on paying her way. Pete and Tina arrived at Heraklion airport in the dead of night. It was pitch black and midnight when their flight touched down. Beyond exhausted they allowed themselves to be herded towards the correct coach which was awaiting them in the car park. Just a few more passengers later and the coach set off with the full moon lighting their path. The moon somehow looked bigger and brighter from Crete, and Tina was

mesmerised by it as the coach wound its way around the twisting turning roads of the island. Tina’s heart sank a little as they made their first stop. Where had Pete brought her? This area was so built up, and felt more akin to an Ibiza clubbing zone than the romantic hideaway she’d been promised. She started shifting in her seat as she feared he had not been true to his word. Could she really trust Pete? Doubts started to creep in. Her confidence had been so totally shattered in her childhood, that it was easily shaken, even now. Tina found a large hand encompassing hers and she looked up into smiling blue

eyes. It was as if he’d sensed her rising panic, and was now reassuring her with his calm presence. His eyes said ‘trust me’, but it did little to ease her fraught nerves. She’d never been to a foreign country before, and had only seen the horror story TV shows about ‘Brits abroad’, and this location seemed to cry out like a warning siren. She bit her lip and tried her best to keep her composure. It was a struggle indeed, as her very nature dictated she yelled first and asked questions later. But she wanted to trust Pete. Surely she could by now? Had he not proved himself? There were a few more stops, and

things looked a little better. But it still felt a bit ‘run down’. She’d been promised a quiet luxury resort. This still fell shy of her overly romantic ideal. An hour and a half after leaving the airport the coach finally came to a stop with their tour rep calling across the tannoy, “Aquila Elounda Village!” Tina had fallen asleep despite her fears. They had been travelling all day, and the soft lull of the coach had soothed her into sleep. She opened her eyes to a prettily lit white building. As she climbed down from the coach, hand luggage in hand, she could just about make out the curves of the surrounding mountains. The bay was lit up with the twinkling

lights of nearby hotels. She could hear the soft lapping of the sea. Pete went to the side of the coach where the courteous driver unloaded their luggage. He took both cases and hauled them into reception. A smiling female receptionist greeted them, and handed the newly arrived guests their check-in forms. Tina patiently waited in one of the wooden chairs in reception, taking in her surroundings, and was handed a welcome glass of Champagne. She gratefully sipped the refreshing liquid, trying to get her bearings. She felt completely dazed after travelling so long. With forms completed, key cards and instructions issued the pair were

greeted by a happy porter with a golf buggy. He drove them and their luggage to a magnificent hotel room. Tina was too tired to do anything but open her case to get her night things out. Having changed she collapsed into the large inviting bed and fell fast asleep with Pete following shortly behind. He was wearing a massive grin. He felt relieved he’d made the right choice. He would have died before confessing it to Tina, but he had begun to feel a little nervous when they drove through the first district. In the morning they both awoke to the sound of birds singing outside and rays of sunlight creeping into their room. Pete opened the curtains and they both oohed

and aahed at the view. They were on the top of the two storey cottage style ‘bungalow rooms’. They could clearly see the sea. The bay was stunning. There were tufts of green on the rustic mountains, and hotels nestled within their protective arms. This was idyllic tranquillity indeed. Tina had padded across the tiled floor to stand by Pete’s side, and he drew her to him and kissed the top of her head. “Will this do, m’lady?” he enquired. “It will do very nicely,” she beamed, wrapping her arms around his torso and planting a kiss on his chest. Pete gently led Tina by the hand back to their bed. He sat on the edge looking up at her.

“Only if you want to,” he whispered gently. She knelt with her knees straddling his hips and kissed him passionately. “Just try to stop me!” She nudged his shoulders so he collapsed back onto the bed, and shifted her weight so he could remove his boxer shorts. Thankful he’d had the foresight to stash his toiletry bag, condoms included on his nightstand when they’d arrived, he now grappled for one and put it on before lying back down. Tina’s excitement was self-evident as she greedily took him inside her as her hips began their up and down motion. It wasn’t enough, she wanted more, and she rode him faster. His breath hissed

through his teeth as she bounced excitedly on him. Her fingers scrunched the pillow behind his head as the tension tore through her body, and her first orgasm shot through her, making her cry out. Not until after the moment had passed did she remember where she was, and became painfully aware people in the next room may have heard her. She blushed wildly as she bent her head down and buried it in her lover’s neck. He shifted her cheek with his so she moved her face to meet his. His mouth captured hers, and her arousal started to regrow. His hips rocked, encouraging hers to do the same. They met thrust for thrust as

his tongue darted around her mouth and his cock filled her. Her muscles tightened deliciously around it and they were both gasping and crying out as they climaxed together. Tina bit her lip and giggled as she blushed again. “It’s a hotel, sweetie,” Pete reassure her. “The room wants us to have sex.” “Yeah, but what about the neighbours?” “They’re probably doing the same thing.” Tina did feel a little reassured, and hoped he was right. She sped off to get in the shower. Her morning exertions and the day of travelling before had left her feeling groggy. It was bliss to have the hot water cascading down her body. Pete came in and gazed appreciatively at

the wondrous sight. “Do you mind?” she gasped in mock horror, but still covered up her privates with her hands. “Not at all. Do you?” “Umm…” It was in that moment that she realised she didn’t mind. Her father had looked at her lasciviously, like a piece of meat for his consumption. But she only saw loving awe in Pete’s eyes. Being looked at by him felt a lot nicer. She felt almost honoured. As if he were looking at a goddess. Only, she was aware it was just little old her. She was learning it was OK though. This man loved her. It was different from lust. That was there too of course, but it

was alright. It wasn’t threatening. It was supposed to be there. He’d never treated her in anything but a tender, gentle, loving way. They got dressed and headed down to breakfast. “Kalimera,” met their ears along the way, as each of the hotel workers wished them good day. The happiest greeting came from the mâitre d’ in the restaurant. “Kalimera, good morning,” he chimed as he outstretched his hand to them. “You want to sit inside or outside?” he asked with a heavy Greek accent. Having received their response he led them through the restaurant, pointing out

the different sections, “Here we have hham and cheeese.” There was everything anyone could want from a continental selection from fresh fruit to cooked meats and cereal. There was even a really cool gizmo with turning wheels that you put whole oranges into and it dispensed fresh orange juice. They sat on the veranda and ordered coffee, and Tina practically skipped back into the restaurant to make her breakfast choice. It felt so decadent, having all this food in luxurious surroundings, with the sun shining hotly down upon them. Having eaten their fill, they nipped back to their room to get changed. Tina

donned her tankini and sarong. She may have been alright with Pete looking at her body, but complete strangers? No thanks! She let Pete rub in sun lotion over her back and shoulders, but insisted on doing the rest herself (much to his disappointment). She grabbed a bag and towel and headed down to the cove, with Pete following. They found a sunbed each and Tina kicked off her flipflops before lying down to soak up some sun, with a good book in hand. Forty-five minutes later she rolled over onto her front, grunting as she turned. Once comfy again she let out a relaxed sigh, “Ahhh, this is the life!”

Pete looked over the top of his own book and smiled his acknowledgement. Not long after that Pete started to get restless. “You coming into the sea?” “You can.” “Come on!” he pleaded, holding her hand and gently tugging. She rolled her eyes, “But someone will see.” “Oh no, someone else is going into the sea. Alert the media,” he mocked. She nudged him, “I’m serious.” He made her sit up. “Look around you.” She scanned her parameter. “Did you see anyone fully dressed?”

“No. It’s a beach.” “Right. So, everyone else is wearing skimpy cozzies? Even the ones who shouldn’t,” he added with a smirk. “Yeah, but….” “No buts. Just butts,” he grinned. “Nobody will even notice. Trust me.” Reluctantly, she let herself be led to the water. It was quite rocky getting in, and at first she was preoccupied with just not falling over and making a complete tit of herself. But as she got in deeper she squealed as the cold water reached her belly button. “It’s so cold,” she yelped. “You’ll get used to it,” Pete reassured her, his own voice squeaky with the

contrast between the hot sun and cold water. He plunged into a breaststroke, immersing himself. Tina followed suit, her breath catching as she did so. But soon they were swimming quite happily. Pete held out his goggles to her. “Here, put these on and dunk your head under. There’s loads of fish here!” This time Tina’s squeals were ones of delight as she brought her head back up out of the sea. “That’s amazing,” she gasped. After lunch they popped into the hotel shop and bought a snorkel mask and some water shoes, so they could look at the fish better.

They had a wonderful time together on holiday. They went on excursions, and saw local sights, and ate local food. It was just nice to relax and be with each other. Tina still wasn’t completely sure if she’d be with Pete forever. Marriage simply wasn’t on her agenda yet. But whatever happened he’d always hold a special place in her heart. He had helped her start to recover from her past. More importantly, he had shown her she could have a happy future. He had given her hope and happiness.

Places of Help Thank you and well done for reading Broken and Damaged Love. I am very aware that this book may have struck a chord with you, and you may be looking for someone to turn to. There are lots of places to turn to these days, and a quick internet search will come up with some places. I wanted to include some here. I have concentrated on the child sex abuse organisations, as this is the focal point of this book. However, if you have any issues relating to any of the topics in this book (e.g. if you need support coming out as gay) there are places of help for you too.

Please do reach out and get the help you need. Nobody is going to judge you when you make that call. People work at organisations like this because they want to help. They have heard so many stories they will not be shocked at anything you have to say. What they will do is listen. So I say again, please just reach out. I have asked these organisation if it’s OK to include their names, and they have said yes. So, without showing bias, here is a small selection: HAVOCA -

http://www.havoca.org Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse HAVOCA is an international resource run by survivors for adult survivors of child abuse. They provide support, friendship and advice for any adult who’s life has been affected by childhood abuse. The ethos at HAVOCA is ‘Every Survivor has the right to become a Thriver.’ Mind – www.mind.org.uk There can be a side

effect/impact on our mental health when we go through trauma. Mind are there to help you with this aspect. They help people with many kinds of mental health issues, such as depression, self harm, eating problems, anxiety and panic attacks. Tel. 020 8519 2122 RAINN – online.rainn.org Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network Based in the USA, and has been voted one of “America’s 100 Best

Charities” Theycreated and operate the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org) in partnership with more than 1,100 local sexual assault service providers across the country and operates the DoD Safe Helpline for the Department of Defense. In 2015, the Online Hotline expanded to offer services in Spanish at rainn.org/es. RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.

SOSAA http://www.sosaa.org.uk/ Survivors of Sexual Abuse Anon They run 12 step meetings, using a modified version of Alcholics Anonymous. It is free, ongoing, non-faith, but spiritual group for both males and females age 18+.

Thanks again for reading this book. This is where I’d normally plead with you to leave reviews and to look at my other books. But you know what? It feels wrong to do that here this time. So, I will leave you with my final wishes for a positive future for you, dear reader.

I sincerely hope I have offered you some insight and offered a consoling shoulder. Love & light to you all, TL