CITO Session 3 Handout 5 Step Process for Transforming Your False Love Identity Handout

C alling in “ t he O ne ”

Week 3

Handout: 5 Step Transformation of Identity The most important shift for you to make in transforming your love life is the shift of your “love identity”—that sense of self you have as it relates to having a loving, intimate, supportive partner in your life and of what is even possible for you to have in this lifetime. This sense of self was created by you in childhood, in response to what was happening in the relationship with those closest to you. At that time, you made decisions (both conscious and unconscious) about who you are, who others are and what is possible for you to have in life. This then became your worldview, the perspective from which you then interpreted and responded to others and to life. Inside of this perspective, all you could ever do is covertly create evidence that the beliefs are true. You did this through developing habitual ways of being and showing up in life that serve to actually cause the beliefs to be validated. For instance, inside of the belief that you don’t matter, you habitually skip over your own feelings and needs and place your first attention on others, thereby ensuring that other people will treat you as though your feelings and needs do not matter. Our emancipation comes when we identify and challenge the false beliefs, and then identify new ways of being and showing up in life that are reflective of the deeper truth. We then set about showing up in these new ways, courageously learning new ways of being, and consciously causing our own evolution and graduation from the patterns of the past. This process can be broken down into 5 simple steps:

1. Take the position of radical self-responsibility for yourself as the source of how your experiences in love have been thus far No matter how much we feel at the effect of others and of life, we recognize that we are the ones holding ultimate responsibility for how we ourselves have been colluding and co-creating our own breakdowns and disappointments in love. In taking this stand, we give up waiting for someone else to come rescue us from our sad stories. We accept that no one is coming to make this better for us, and we commit ourselves to wholeheartedly showing up for ourselves 110% — becoming willing to be our own hero(ine). We recognize that, while what happened to us may not be not our fault, it is our responsibility to evolve beyond the patterns of the past.

Practice: Close your eyes and take a deep breathe, allowing yourself to feel the feelings that come up for you inside of this conversation about giving up the notion that anyone else is ever going to make this better for you. From a deeper, wiser center within yourself, extend a field of support to the part of you that has been waiting and wishing that somebody would rescue you from your sorrow and pain. From this deeper, wiser part of yourself make a commitment to be the one who shows up for you and stands for your happiness in love and in life. Make a commitment to yourself to show up 110% by being willing to be your own hero(ine) in life, by doing whatever it takes to evolve yourself beyond the patterns of your past.

2. Identify the core beliefs about yourself, about others and about life that is at the emotional center of the pattern In order to transform your love identity, you must first begin by identifying the matrix of beliefs that form it (belief about yourself, belief about others, and belief about love). We invite you to begin by thinking of the disappointing pattern that shows up habitually in your life around love, and noticing where the emotions you have in response to this pattern are being held in your body. Rather than turn away from these difficult feelings, or trying to get rid of them, we invite you instead to welcome them in and turn towards them. We then invite you to give language to the beliefs, properly naming them (men/women do/don’t/are/aren’t…). Notice, too, the chronological age of this part of the self, and how big the energy is that is being held in this part of your body.

Practice: a) Close your eyes and take a deep breath, moving your awareness down into your body. b) Think of the disappointing pattern that habitually comes up in your life around this area of love and partnership. c) Notice where you feel the emotions associated with this pattern in your body, asking yourself, “Where do I feel this belief in my body?” d) Turn towards the feelings, welcoming them in.

Copyright © 2010 Calling in “The One”. This material may not be reproduced without the permission of the author.

C alling in “ t he O ne ”

Week 3

Handout: 5 Step Transformation of Identity (cont.) e) Give the feelings a name, by asking yourself: “If I could give this feeling a name, what would the “I am… “ or “I am not…” statement be? What would the “Men/Women are/are not, do/do not…“ statement be? What would the “Life and/or love is or is not…“ statement be? Ask yourself, “How old is this part of myself?” Ask yourself, “How big is the energy being held here?”

3. Identify the covert way(s) of being that have been generating evidence of the false beliefs You want to begin now to notice the ways you have been covertly causing life to mirror back evidence that the false beliefs are true, reinforcing them over and over again, as though they were happening to you, rather than through you. Be willing to see clearly exactly how you have been the source of your experience, co-creating dynamics and ways of being that validate over and over again the false beliefs, even locking in mirrors of their “truth” by the structures you create in your life and the specific ways you show up in relationship to yourself, to others, and to life.

Practice: Take the radical position of self as source by asking yourself: “How am I showing up in relationship to myself that is perpetuating and covertly creating evidence that the beliefs are true?” “How am I showing up in relationship with others that is perpetuating and covertly creating evidence that the beliefs are true?” “How am I showing up in life in ways that are perpetuating and covertly creating evidence that the beliefs are true?”

4. Access and assert a deeper truth that wakes you up out of the trance of the false center From the adult part of yourself, with deep care and compassion, we invite you to begin to challenge the interpretations that the younger self in your body is inside of as it relates to love. What is really true about your own value? About your own power to grow and evolve beyond these patterns? What is really true about men, or about women? What is really true about the possibilities of having love in your life? From the adult part of you—the part of you that has access to resources, resilience, strength, as well as capacities to think creatively and with more complexity than you had access to as a child, begin to mentor the younger part of you that is stuck inside of the old worldview. Help this younger part of yourself make more true and empowering meaning of his/her experiences of the past, and connect him/her to that which is more true about yourself, about others, and about life.

Practice: 1) Connect with the adult part of yourself by taking an inventory of your strengths, your resources, and the capacities you have cultivated now for years. Recognize your ability to think objectively, make new choices, grow yourself healthier and wiser, and deepen into greater levels of love and care for yourself and others. 2) Breathe deeply and anchor this sense of self deeper and wider than the younger self in your body. 3) Extend a field of love and care to the younger self from this deeper center within yourself. 4) Ask your adult self: “What is really true about this idea that I am/am not…?” “What is really true about this idea that men/women are/are not, do/do not…?” “What’s really true about this idea that life and/or love is/is not…?”

Copyright © 2010 Calling in “The One”. This material may not be reproduced without the permission of the author.

C alling in “ t he O ne ”

Week 3

Handout: 5 Step Transformation of Identity (cont.) 5) Create power statements that help you to anchor into these truths: “Who I am for my beloved is…” “Who my beloved is for me is…” “What’s really true about my capacity to create love in my life is…”

6. Identify and cultivate new way(s) of being that reflect the deeper truth of who you are, who others are, and what is possible for your life Finally, we invite you to begin to identify new ways of showing up in relationship with yourself, with others, and in life that are more reflective of what is really true. Make a real effort to begin showing up this way, being willing to cultivate the new skills and capacities that showing up this way will require of you.

Practice: Ask yourself: “How might I begin showing up in relationship to myself that reflects the deeper truth of my own value and worthiness to love and be loved?” “How might I begin showing up in relationship with others that reflects the deeper truth of my own value and worthiness to love and be loved?” “How might I begin showing up in life in ways that reflect the deeper truth of my own value and worthiness to love and be loved?” Notice the new skills and capacities you will need to begin developing in order to show up consistently in ways that are aligned with the deeper truth of your own value and worthiness to love and be loved. Begin to take action immediately to develop these capacities within yourself, stretching yourself beyond your comfort zone to bring your ways of being into alignment with the deeper truth of who you are and what is possible for you in love.

Copyright © 2010 Calling in “The One”. This material may not be reproduced without the permission of the author.