Garza Amber - Playing for Keeps Boxed Set -

PLAYING FOR KEEPS BOXED SET AMBER GARZA

Table of Contents FOR THE WIN PART 1 CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6 CHAPTER 7 CHAPTER 8 CHAPTER 9 CHAPTER 10 CHAPTER 11 CHAPTER 12 CHAPTER 13 CHAPTER 14 CHAPTER 15 CHAPTER 16 CHAPTER 17 CHAPTER 18 CHAPTER 19 PART 2 CHAPTER 21 CHAPTER 22 CHAPTER 23 CHAPTER 24 CHAPTER 25 CHAPTER 26 CHAPTER 27 CHAPTER 28 EPILOGUE FOR THE GAME CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6 CHAPTER 7 CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9 CHAPTER 10 CHAPTER 11 CHAPTER 12 CHAPTER 13 CHAPTER 14 CHAPTER 15 CHAPTER 16 CHAPTER 17 CHAPTER 18 CHAPTER 19 CHAPTER 20 CHAPTER 21 CHAPTER 22 CHAPTER 23 CHAPTER 24 CHAPTER 25 CHAPTER 26 CHAPTER 27 EPILOGUE FOR THE RUSH CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6 CHAPTER 7 CHAPTER 8 CHAPTER 9 CHAPTER 10 CHAPTER 11 CHAPTER 12 CHAPTER 13 CHAPTER 14 CHAPTER 15 CHAPTER 16 CHAPTER 17 CHAPTER 18 CHAPTER 19 CHAPTER 20 CHAPTER 21 CHAPTER 22 CHAPTER 23 CHAPTER 24

CHAPTER 25 CHAPTER 26 CHAPTER 27 CHAPTER 28 CHAPTER 29 CHAPTER 30 EPILOGUE FOR THE SAVE CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6 CHAPTER 7 CHAPTER 8 CHAPTER 9 CHAPTER 10 CHAPTER 11 CHAPTER 12 CHAPTER 13 CHAPTER 14 CHAPTER 15 CHAPTER 16 CHAPTER 17 CHAPTER 18 CHAPTER 19 CHAPTER 20 CHAPTER 21 CHAPTER 22 CHAPTER 23 CHAPTER 24 CHAPTER 25 CHAPTER 26 CHAPTER 27 CHAPTER 28 CHAPTER 29 CHAPTER 30 CHAPTER 31 Epilogue BONUS SCENES The Proposal The Wedding

Author’s Note and Acknowledgments About the Author

FOR THE WIN Amber Garza

Cover: Kris @ C & K Creations Copyright © 2014 Amber Garza All rights reserved. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited. For information: ambergarza.wordpress.com



Other titles by Amber Garza Play Safe Play Hard Play Nice Cuts Run Deep Head Above Water Falling to Pieces Star Struck Love Struck Tripping Me Up Finding Me Again Winning Me Over Break Free Break Through Engraved Delaney’s Gift Series: Dazzle Shatter Betray The Prowl Trilogy Prowl Entice Unveil To connect with Amber Garza online: http://www.ambergarza.wordpress.com https://www.facebook.com/pages/Amber-Garza-author Or to sign up for the newsletter: http://eepurl.com/sp8Q9

PART 1 BEFORE

CHAPTER 1

London I wasn’t expecting to like him. Not one bit. I had known guys like Cooper Montgomery before. Egotistical jocks who thought they owned the world and everything in it. And not once had they treated me with any ounce of respect. I was the shy girl. The one with her nose always pressed in a book. I certainly wasn’t the popular or the pretty girl. As a society, we’d been conditioned from childhood about what was cool and what wasn’t. The message had always been clear. Intelligent, bookish girls were not sexy. Lucky for me, I had never wanted to be sexy. Quite the opposite, in fact. All I’d ever wanted was to blend in. To fade into the background where no one would bother me at all. I wanted to be left alone, plain and simple. I’d learned the hard way what it was like to garner attention, and that was something I never wanted to experience again. That’s why guys like Cooper were an enigma to me. I didn’t understand people who welcomed the spotlight, and craved the attention. Even though I’d never spoken to Cooper, I’d seen him around school. He always had a group surrounding him, as if he was afraid to be alone. Girls trailed him like he was their god or something. Frankly, I found it repulsive. And I had no desire to be any part of it. It’s the reason I was so upset when I was told by John, the editor of the school newspaper, that I had to interview him. I was all set to write my hard-hitting piece on the lack of nutritional choices available in our cafeteria. But instead I’d been assigned a sports piece, and I knew literally nothing about sports. The only reason we were even doing this article on Cooper was because Annabelle Garcia had a huge crush on him. She’d pitched the idea at our last brainstorming session, and then immediately offered to write the story. I was a little surprised because I hadn’t even realized our school had a fall ball season. Apparently Annabelle knew more about baseball than me. Too bad she was out this week with the flu. I begged John to push back the story, but he said that Cooper was expecting to be interviewed this

afternoon. And that’s how I found myself trekking across campus toward the baseball field after school. As I neared the ball field, I noticed the curious glances from the players. I knew I didn’t look at all like a normal spectator. For starters, my jeans and long-sleeved shirt were not conducive to the California fall heat. But I’d always been conservative in my attire. My dad and my friend, Skyler, were the only people who understood my need to stay covered up. The difference was that Skyler was always trying to get me to loosen up, while I was pretty sure my dad was hoping I’d remain this way forever. Clutching the pad of paper tightly to my chest, I stepped onto the grass. My tennis shoes sank into it with every step. The warm sun beat down on my back, and sweat gathered along my shoulder blades and spine. I longed for cooler fall temperatures, but we never really had a fall. It didn’t start cooling down until November most years, and it was only September now. Therefore, I needed to remain patient. Even when we were blessed with rain the other day, the air was still sticky and warm. I blew the bangs off my forehead and walked over to the bleachers. They were empty, so I took a seat in the first row, setting my pad of paper and pen down on my lap. Cooper stood on the mound wearing his orange and black Gold Rush High School Tigers’ hat, along with a shirt bearing the emblem of our school, and white pants. He adjusted the ball cap on his head before bringing his arm back for the pitch. When the ball left his hand, it moved so fast it was difficult to see where it went. The batter missed, and it was called a strike. Despite myself, I was impressed. I’d heard Cooper was good, but I’d never witnessed it. Attending baseball games was not my idea of fun. In fact, when I was younger my dad used to drag me out to professional baseball games, but I never actually watched them. Instead I’d bring my current book and read until the game ended. I finished many good novels that way. I was pretty sure Dad had been hoping I would gain an appreciation for baseball by going with him to the games, but all I did was gain a sunburn. Eventually he stopped taking me, and I was grateful. Since I knew zilch about baseball, I decided to come early to watch some of the practice. This may not have been the story I was hoping for, but I would still write a darn good piece. I was nothing if not professional. No matter the assignment, I made sure I gave it my best. Even when I had to write an article about the cheerleading squad I bit back my scathing remarks and made it as unbiased as I could.

Sure John had to modify some of it, but in my defense, the cheerleaders had never made life easy for me. It was difficult to be completely impartial. However, I had made myself a promise to keep an open mind with this story. And it should’ve been easy enough, since the article would be about the baseball team and Cooper’s position as pitcher. It had nothing to do with his less-than-stellar reputation. Well, less than stellar in my opinion. The rest of the girls at this school seemed to be turned on by his womanizer status. I watched Cooper strike out a couple more batters before the coach signaled the end of practice. My pulse quickened as the team huddled around the coach, my usual pre-interview jitters hitting me. I wiped my clammy palms on the thigh of my jeans and scanned the questions I’d prepared. My finger moved swiftly over the pad of paper at the questions I’d scrawled in my telltale slanted cursive. My dad always teased me about my penmanship, which he called illegible. But it didn’t matter. No one used free hand anymore. Everything was typed on computers. And typing was something I was good at. One day when I was a professional writer I’d lug a laptop with me everywhere. Dad promised to buy me one for Christmas this year, and I was counting down the days. I only hoped he kept his promise. Money was pretty tight for us, but he assured me he was saving up. Usually I stayed cautiously optimistic so I didn’t get too upset when it didn’t pan out. But this time my heart had already jumped in with both feet before I could catch it and reel it in. “Hey.” I jolted at the sound of Cooper’s voice, not having heard him walk up. My pen rolled off my lap and landed near my feet. Then to my horror, it kept rolling until it landed in the grass. “I’ll grab it,” Cooper offered, bending down. When he stood back up, he held the pen out to me. It dangled between his thick fingers. “Thank you,” I mumbled, snatching it from him. The players had dispersed, some of them hiking across the field, bags slung over their shoulders. “I’m assuming you’re the person interviewing me for the paper.” Cooper flashed me a smile, a dimple forming on his right cheek. My heart twisted. I could see why girls found him attractive. Even though I wasn’t attracted to him

at all, he wasn’t exactly ugly. “Yeah.” I stuck out my right hand, while fisting the pen in my left. “London Miller, reporter for the Gold Rush Gazette.” Dear god, I sounded like an idiot. Why was this guy making me so nervous? “Cooper Montgomery, but I’m guessing you already knew that.” As he shook my hand, he grinned again. His blue eyes sparkled as the sun struck them. I wished I didn’t notice how good-looking he was, how perfect his smile was, and how his eyes were bluer than the ocean. But these things were impossible to miss. In the past, I’d only seen Cooper from a distance. This was the closest I’d ever gotten to him, and it seemed he was even better looking close up. I forced away the thoughts, wondering why I allowed my mind to go there in the first place. I wasn’t exactly the kind of girl who crushed on guys. I found it pointless, a waste of time and energy. All I wanted in life was to survive high school, and then get into a good college so I could become a reporter. Boys only complicated things. Besides, it’s not like any boy was ever interested in me. “Nice to meet you, London.” For some reason hearing my name coming from his lips stopped me cold. A shiver ran down my spine as I drew my hand back. But I recovered quickly. “Where do you want to conduct the interview?” “Right here is fine.” “See ya, Coop,” one of the players called as he walked past us. Cooper waved at him before plunking down on the bleacher next to me, so close his thigh brushed mine momentarily. Swallowing hard, I scooted over a little, putting some space between us. “Great.” Biting my lip, I stared down at the pad of paper in my lap. My eyes scanned the paper, searching for a good ice-breaker question. But suddenly they all sounded lame to me. Sighing, I turned to him. “You did great today in practice. I was really impressed.” There was that million dollar smile again. God, this guy was charming. “Thanks. I’m glad to know I impressed you.” He threw me a wink. My cheeks warmed, and I lowered my gaze. Maybe a compliment wasn’t the best way to start with this guy. According to John, it’s always best to start by buttering the interviewee up. But I had a feeling

that Cooper was used to people gushing over him. All I’d succeeded in doing was blowing up his already big head. “How long have you been playing baseball?” I asked, knowing this would be an easy place to start. “My whole life.” Staring out over the field, a wistful smile flickered. “My mom used to joke that I came out of the womb with a baseball in my hand.” An apologetic expression cloaked his face. “Okay, maybe that wasn’t that best visual, but you get the point. I was born to play the game.” His answer propelled me forward. I was grateful that he was taking the interview seriously. I’d heard horror stories of football players joking all through their interviews. Even when I did the article on the cheerleaders they weren’t all cooperative. Some were sarcastic and giggly. “Did you always know you wanted to pitch?” “No, actually. When I was a kid I liked to hit.” He shrugged, displaying a lopsided grin. Did he do that just to show off his cute dimple? I imagined girls became a puddle at his feet when he did that. Luckily, I was stronger than them. “But who doesn’t, right?” He paused as if awaiting my response. Not knowing a thing about baseball, it took me a minute to slowly nod. “Right.” I hoped he didn’t detect how unenthusiastic I was. “But when I was around ten, I had a coach who noticed I had a strong arm. He had been a pitcher back when he played, so he kind of took me under his wing; started working with me on pitching. By the end of that season it was clear that I was meant to be a pitcher.” I nodded, giving myself a minute to formulate my next question. My list was invalid at this point. I wanted to keep the momentum of this line of questioning. “What kind of training have you had to get where you are now?” “I’ve taken pitching lessons since I was eleven. That was also the year I started playing ball year round. And I practice every spare moment I get.” His words made me wonder if I’d misjudged him. Clearly baseball was his first priority. Before today, I’d always assumed he played ball just to get chicks and hang out with friends. That’s the way it appeared from the outside anyway. I thought about the hours I spent immersed in my books and magazines,

about all the time I spent writing my articles and stories. Maybe Cooper and I had more in common than I thought. “Hey, Cooper,” a female voice floated in our direction. I glanced over my shoulder to where a group of girls stood near the fence, smiling. They giggled, flipping their hair around as they waved at Cooper. One of them wore a ball cap on backwards, her blond curls spilling out of it. I recognized most of them. They were the popular girls, the ones who never gave me the time of day. My stomach soured as Cooper waved back, his dimpled smile deepening. Okay, so maybe I was wrong about him. Clearly we were nothing alike.

CHAPTER 2

Cooper It was impossible to miss her. We all noticed her as she stumbled across the field, clutching that damn pad of paper to her chest as if she was terrified of being separated from it. She had to have been roasting in that long-sleeved shirt and jeans. The truth was that we always noticed the girls who came out to watch us practice, but for completely different reasons. Usually we noticed them for their lack of clothing, for their sexy bodies, for the seductive smiles they threw us. The collective raised eyebrows around the team betrayed that the other guys were wondering what the hell this girl was doing out here. But I knew. I was certain she was the girl interviewing me for that article in the school paper. Coach had to force me to do it. To me it seemed like a waste of time. Who read the school paper anyway? I knew I’d never read it. But when Coach insisted that I do something, I did it. Besides, when I mentioned it to my grandparents they were excited. I was pretty sure it would be tacked to the fridge the day I gave it to them, displayed proudly. While I threw, I could feel her eyes on me. A couple of times I glanced over to see her staring at me intently. I was used to girls watching me, but this felt different. It wasn’t in a flirty way. No, she was studying me as if I was a math problem and she had a test tomorrow. I knew I’d seen her around school, but I couldn’t remember her name. I think it was a place - like a state or city or something. Paris? No. Dakota? No, that wasn’t it. Damn it, I couldn’t remember. After practice ended, I headed over to the girl. She sat in the bleachers appearing lost in her own thoughts. When I said hey, she practically jumped out of her skin. Her already large brown eyes widened even more, her pink lips pursing. She was prettier than I imagined. I’d never really looked at her before. She was one of those girls that was easy to bypass, always hidden behind her books and baggy clothes. When she introduced herself as London, I mentally kicked myself. Of course. London. How could I forget a name like that? She clearly wasn’t a Paris or a Dakota, but London seemed to fit her. It was

obvious that she was nervous when I sat next to her, and I thought it was pretty cute. Sure, girls were always nervous around me, but it usually manifested itself into fits of giggles and twiddling of hair. Nerves made London more determined. And actually the interview wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. So far she’d stuck to the topic of baseball, and that’s how I liked it. “Hey, Cooper.” My head swung upward at the sound of Calista’s voice. My skin crawled when I saw her standing with a group of her friends wearing my hat. Shaking my head, I regretted hooking up with her. And what had possessed me to let her borrow my hat? Well, that answer was simple. She looked damn sexy in it when she was wearing next to nothing else, and in that moment I would’ve said yes to anything. But now she kept acting like she was my girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, she was easy and super hot, but I wasn’t interested in having a girlfriend. Falling in love wasn’t an option for me. Neither were relationships. I’d already given Calista all I was capable of giving anyone. So why couldn’t that be enough? I groaned inwardly when she sashayed in my direction. As I glanced at London, I couldn’t help but notice how irritated she appeared. My ego cropped up and I assumed it was because she was jealous. But as I watched her eyes narrow at Calista, I suspected it had more to do with her than with me. I was sure London wasn’t welcome with Calista and her group. In fact, I was ashamed to admit this, but I had no idea who London hung out with. “Like my hat?” Calista purred, touching my arm. “Well, it is mine,” I teased. “So I think you know I like it.” She giggled. “I know, silly. But do you like it on me?” “You know I do.” I smiled, not wishing to be a jerk. I was going to have to have a tough talk with her, but not here. Not in front of a reporter for the school paper and a group of Calista’s friends. Calista’s eyes flicked over to London, and she curled her nose. “What’s she doing here? Is she like your tutor or something?” London lowered her gaze, fidgeting with her pad of paper. Calista knew I didn’t need a tutor. I got straight A’s. She was just trying to get under London’s skin. And for some reason that irritated me. What

had London ever done to her? “She’s interviewing me for the paper,” I said, reaching up and adjusting the bill of my cap. “Oh.” A relieved smile spread across her face. Had she been worried when she saw me with London? Surely she didn’t think anything was going on between the two of us. London seemed like a nice girl, but she was not my type at all. “Well, I better leave you to it.” She leaned over and pecked me on the cheek. “Call me later.” “Okay.” I nodded as she scurried back over to her friends. “Girlfriend?” London asked once the girls had taken off. “No.” I shook my head. “Just a friend.” She raised her eyebrows. “You always kiss your friends?” “I didn’t kiss her, she kissed me. Not that it’s any of your business.” This seemed to sober her. She sat up straight. “Right. Sorry. Let’s just finish up this interview.” Gone was the friendly girl from earlier. This one was all business. I wondered about her shift in behavior. Had seeing me with Calista really bothered her that much? And if so, why? “You mentioned that you practice every spare moment you get. What are some ways you practice from home?” She pinned me with a stare. “I run sometimes in the evenings. And I have a pitching net in my backyard that I throw into.” After scribbling something quickly on her paper, she bit her lip. A few strands of dark blond hair slipped over her shoulder as she scanned her notepad wearing a pensive look. None of the girls I dated ever acted this serious. A few more seconds of silence and then her head bobbed up. “You said that your mom jokes about how you were born playing baseball. Would you say that your parents always encouraged your love of the game?” I nodded, the familiar sick feeling sinking into the pit of my stomach. She smiled. “That’s awesome. I bet they’re really proud of you.” “Yeah,” I forced the word out, feeling like I might hurl. By the look on her face, I could tell she was going to continue asking more questions about my family. So I hurried to change the subject. “Do you

know much about baseball, London?” Her head snapped up in surprise. “Truthfully, no.” Pink spots emerged on her cheeks. “Come out to the game this Saturday. It’s right here at ten a.m.” “What?” Her flustered behavior made me chuckle. “So you can learn about the game,” I explained. “I think it would help with your article.” “Oh. Right. The article. Of course.” With a shaky hand, she tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear revealing a tiny stud that glistened in the sunlight. It looked like the kind of earring a little girl would wear. Not the large hoops or dangly ones like Calista wore. I only recalled that because I kept getting my fingers caught in her damn earrings the other night as we made out. Had London thought I was inviting her for a different reason? This girl was so hard to read. One minute she acted like she couldn’t get away from me fast enough, and the next minute she seemed to want my attention. “And if you have more questions after the game, I’ll be happy to answer them.” “Okay. That sounds good.” She picked up her notepad and pressed it to her chest. “I guess I’ve got all I need for now then.” Standing up, her lips curled slightly at the edges. “See you Saturday.” “See you then.” I tipped my hat. She whirled around, her shirt floating around her body. “London?” I called after her. Craning her neck, she peered at me. A gentle breeze blew kicking up her hair, and it swirled around her face. “Yeah?” “You might want to wear something different on Saturday.” She narrowed her eyes. “What does that mean?” “It’s just that it’s supposed to be in the hundreds, and the games can go for hours. You’ll never make it dressed like that.” She shook her head. “Thanks for the heads up, but I think I’m old enough to dress myself.” As she stalked off I wondered why my statement offended her so much. That chick was confusing. Now I knew why I stuck to girls like Calista. I liked knowing exactly what I was getting.

CHAPTER 3

London I pedaled faster as I neared my street. Steering the bike handle, I turned the corner. Wind whipped in my face as I passed an apartment complex. Kids played outside, and their chatter and laughter carried lightly on the breeze. A car passed, its tires rumbling on the asphalt. I maneuvered up onto the sidewalk and my backpack jostled against my spine. The straps cut into the skin on my shoulders as the wheels spun beneath me, rolling over the bumps on the concrete. Even though I was seventeen and had my license, my main mode of transportation was still my bike. We only had one vehicle, and Dad needed it for work. Dad didn’t want me to get a job during the school year because he was afraid it would distract me from my school work. So I planned to work this summer to save for a car. Shifting slightly, I continued to pedal until I reached the duplex I lived in with my dad. Pulling to the left, I glided into our driveway. As I hopped off my bike, I caught sight of Skyler peeking out of her front window. Skyler’s family shared the duplex adjoined to ours. We’d lived next door to each other since Dad and I moved to Folsom when I was five. Propping my bike up on the kickstand, I found myself hoping that she would stay inside. As I started to fantasize about curling up on the couch with my latest novel, Skyler’s front door popped open and she stepped out. It’s not that I didn’t like spending time with Skyler. She was pretty much my only friend, and I enjoyed her company. But I was a loner by nature. I preferred to spend time with my books, living in fictional worlds Skyler’s thick black hair was coiled into a bun on top of her head, and she wore gym shorts and a t-shirt. With her long tanned legs, she walked toward me in her bare feet. Sweat clinging to every inch of my skin, I envied her outfit. Picking my hair up off my damp neck, I smiled at Skyler. “Hey.” “Hey. How did it go with Cooper?” Skyler raised a brow. “Fine.” I moved around her toward the garage. After unlocking the door, I shoved it open. It rattled

on the hinges loudly. Once it was all the way up, I grabbed my bike and wheeled it inside. The scent of musty boxes and dust filled my nostrils. “That’s it? Just fine?” She followed me just like I knew she would. “Yep.” After setting my bike near the wall, I closed and locked the garage door. Darkness enveloped us, so I hurried to the door leading inside the house. After opening it, I flicked on the wall switch and a triangle of light appeared. Trailing me, Skyler’s feet slapped on the pavement. Cool air circled me when I stepped into the kitchen. The scent of chicken and spices wafted from the crockpot sitting on the counter. Shrugging my backpack off, I dropped it on the ground and shoved it against the wall with the toe of my shoe. “C’mon, London. It had to be more than just fine.” Skyler crossed her arms over her chest. Sighing, I made my way over to the crockpot that I had filled with chicken, vegetables and salsa this morning before school. Lifting the lid, steam smacked me in the face. As I tested out the chicken with a fork, Skyler came to stand next to me. “Stop holding out on me. I want to hear all about it.” She leaned her back against the counter and stared at me expectantly. Placing the lid back on the crockpot, I looked up at her. “There’s nothing really to tell. I interviewed him about baseball. He answered my questions. End of story.” “What was he like?” Her eyes sparkled under the kitchen lights. I frowned, thinking of how he’d acted with Calista. God, I couldn’t stand her and her ‘mean girls’ group. “Just about like you’d expect.” However, even as the words left my mouth they felt like lies. It wasn’t exactly like I’d expected. In fact, until Calista arrived he seemed genuine, kind even. Skyler furrowed her brows as I walked into the family room. “What happened?” I plunked down on the couch and bent over to take off my shoes. “Calista and her friends showed up while I was interviewing Cooper. Did you know that he and Calista are dating?” Skyler sat next to me. Once my shoes were off, I peeled off my socks and wriggled my toes. “God, your feet stink.” Skyler reeled back, plugging her nose. “You really need to start wearing sandals on hot days like this.”

Without responding, I rolled my eyes. I was used to comments like this from her. “I didn’t think Calista and Cooper were dating,” Skyler said, leaning her head back on the couch. “But I had heard that they hooked up.” “That’s sort of what he said too.” I sat up straight, pushing my hair out of my face. “He shared his relationship status with you?” I groaned inwardly, remembering how I pointedly asked him if Calista was his girlfriend. Way to keep it professional, London. “It just sort of came up in conversation.” I waved away her question. “Anyway, it was no big deal. It was just an interview for the paper. I gotta say, you never seem to get this excited about my articles, Sky.” “That’s because you don’t usually interview Cooper Montgomery.” She nudged me in the thigh. “You’re so lucky. Every girl at our school wants to get close to him.” “I’m not close to him. I just asked him a few questions. That’s it.” I stretched out my legs and arms, feeling tired. If only Skyler would stop asking so many questions about Cooper. I loved Skyler. She was more like my sister than my friend, and she’d been there for me through a lot of shit. But Skyler was boy crazy, and I wasn’t. Also, she’d always been fascinated by the popular crowd. Secretly I believed she wished she could be one of them. She nodded. “So that’s it, then? You’re all finished?” I bit my lip. “I will be after his game this weekend.” Her neck craned in my direction, her eyes like daggers spearing into me. “You didn’t say anything to me about having to attend his baseball game.” “I didn’t know until today.” The garage door sprung to life, signaling that Dad was home. I prayed that Skyler would let this drop when Dad came inside. She shook her head. “I don’t know how you put up with John. Every time he tells you to jump, you jump, no questions asked. And he acts like he runs the freaking New York Times or something. Not a measly school paper.” She stopped herself, an apologetic look on her face. “No offense.” “None taken.” I assured her. “Besides, it wasn’t John who told me about the game. It was Cooper.”

“Cooper invited you to his baseball game?” Her eyes bugged out so far I worried they would leap from her face. “Baseball game?” Dad stepped into the room, his large frame casting a shadow over us. I definitely got my slight frame from my mom. Car grease stained Dad’s meaty hands, grey shirt and black pants. His forehead was slick, his dark hair moist at the ends that curled slightly around his face. If I thought I was burning up at school, it was nothing compared to how hot it got at the auto shop where Dad worked. “I know I must have heard wrong. My pumpkin doesn’t go to baseball games.” I cringed at Dad’s nickname for me. He’d called me that ever since I was a little girl when I had an affinity for the color orange. There was an entire year when I refused to wear an outfit unless it had the color orange on it. My attempts at trying to get him to stop calling me that were futile. And because I loved him so much, I let it slide. “It’s for an article,” I explained. “Cooper Montgomery, the star pitcher of our team, invited her.” Skyler grinned. “Is that so?” Dad’s smile was a little wary. My ‘no dating’ stance was something Dad staunchly supported. “Just because I know nothing about baseball. I think he wants to make sure I don’t screw up the article,” I explained, and Dad’s face relaxed. “Or maybe he wants to see you again,” Skyler teased. I ignored her. “Dinner is ready, Dad. I just have to warm up some tortillas when you want to eat.” “Great. I’ll go get changed and be back in a jiffy.” Only my dad used the word ‘jiffy’. It was one of many outdated words he still sprinkled in everyday conversation. “I should head home.” Skyler stood. “You can stay for dinner if you want,” I offered. “I wish, but I promised Mom I’d help her with dinner tonight,” she responded, heading to the front door. I nodded with understanding. Skyler’s mom was always making her do some chore or another. She had two brothers, but her mom didn’t expect them to do anything. The double standard pissed Skyler off,

and I totally empathized. It would bother me too. Luckily, I didn’t have any siblings. However, I’d give anything to have my mom back. I’d do nothing but chores for the rest of my life if it meant she could still be here. My gaze involuntarily swept over to the framed picture of her on the wall. Her blond hair was swept back from her face, her smile large and inviting. As I stared at it, the picture morphed right before my eyes like a funhouse mirror at the fair. Her face grew pale, her lips turned blue, her eyes widened in terror. I closed my eyes to stop the rest of the image from emerging, but it was too late. The recollection had started, and once that happened I could never stop it. Pretty soon all I saw was red. Red everywhere. Blood. It’s how I remembered her now. Tainted in blood.

CHAPTER 4

Cooper I spotted Grandpa trimming the hedges when I pulled up in the driveway in my Honda civic. Hip hop music blasted from the speakers, and the silence was startling when I cut the engine. Reaching for my baseball bag, I snatched it off the passenger seat and then got out of the car. After slamming the door shut, I held up my arm to get Grandpa’s attention. “Grandpa.” He turned, a smile springing to his face. “Hey, son.” Lowering the clippers, he walked in my direction. At sixty-five year’s old, his hair was fully grey now. When I was younger it was dark brown to match his dark eyes. He wore a pair of plaid shorts and a blue shirt, tennis shoes on his feet. “How was practice?” “It went well.” I nodded, tucking my thumb under the strap of my bag. Grandpa played baseball when he was younger, and it was still his favorite sport. He told me once that when he was a kid he dreamt of playing professionally. I’d never seen him play, but Grandma told me he was pretty damn good. And I loved that I could talk baseball with him so openly. He’d always been my biggest supporter. “My bullpen went well, I hit all my spots, and all my pitches were moving.” “That’s great.” He slapped me on the back with his free hand. It stung a little. Grandpa sometimes forgot his own strength. Sure he was getting older, but he was still strong and healthy. I hoped he’d always stay that way. Losing him or grandma wasn’t even an idea I allowed myself to entertain. “I can’t wait until the game on Saturday.” “Yeah, it should be a good one.” “I think dinner’s about ready. Why don’t you go on inside and get cleaned up? I’ll be in in just a few minutes.” Stepping away from me, he lifted the clippers. Whirling around, I hurried inside. Icy air spilled from the air conditioning vents, and it felt good against my hot skin. After dropping my bag by the front door, I followed the scent of food and the sound of dishes clinking together until I located Grandma in the kitchen. She was bent over a pot on the stove,

stirring with a large spatula. Her dark hair was pulled into a bun on the top of her head, and an apron was wrapped around her waist. “Hey, Grandma.” I swooped down to plant a quick kiss on her cheek, inhaling the familiar scent of lavender that always clung to her skin. “How was your practice?” She turned to me, setting down the spatula. “It went well.” “That’s my boy.” She patted my cheek. She wasn’t as interested in all the details as Grandpa was, but she supported me and attended all my games, so that’s all that mattered. “Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes,” she said, returning her attention to the stove. Picking back up the spatula, she stirred the contents of the pot. Steam rose from it, swirling around her face. “Great. I’ll hit the shower and be down in a few.” Grandma nodded as I headed upstairs. I passed the wall of framed family pictures and collages on the way to my room. Before reaching it, I felt my cell phone buzzing from the back pocket of my pants. Reaching behind me, I yanked it out. Nate: Was it painful? I smiled, reading my friend’s text. He didn’t have to clarify what he was talking about. I had been complaining to him about the article before practice today. Me: It wasn’t that bad. Nate: I saw Calista walking toward the field after practice. How did that go? My door was open, so I stepped inside my room and dropped onto my bed. Baseball players stared at me from the posters tacked all over my walls. The blinds on my large window were open, natural light streaming in and brightening the room. Me: You know Calista. And he did. He’d hooked up with her at the beginning of the school year. Nate: Seriously, dude. She’s a piece of work. My stomach balling, I dropped the phone on my bed. After flinging off my shoes, I shuffled across

the hallway to the bathroom. I peeled off my sweaty baseball clothes and then discarded them on the floor. Then I tossed my hat onto the counter before turning on the shower. My blond hair was damp from sweat. As I stepped into the shower, I caught my reflection in the mirror to see that chunks of my hair stuck out all over my head. It reminded me of London’s hair when the wind kicked it up. She didn’t bother smoothing it down. The girls I dated had a hissy fit when the wind messed with their perfectly styled hair. But she was nothing like the girls I dated. She was nothing like any girl I’d ever met. And I wasn’t sure that was a good thing. Frankly, she was kind of annoying, all business-like and kind of rude. Oh, well. It’s not like I was going to have to spend much time with her. We’d finish the interview on Saturday and that would be it. And that was fine by me. It wasn’t like I would ever voluntarily hang out with London. As I squirted some shampoo into my palm, my mind flew back to London’s introduction, causing an involuntary chuckle to rise in my throat. She acted like a reporter for a freaking national publication or something. Clearly that chick had no idea how to loosen up. Once I finished my shower, I went back into my room to change. After throwing on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, my phone lit up on my bed. Glancing down at it, I saw that I had another text from Nate. Nate: Can I get a ride with u to the party tomorrow night? Me: I’m not going. Nate: What? Last week u said u were. Me: But now we have a game on Saturday. Our games were typically on Monday and Wednesday afternoons, but yesterday’s game got rained out, so it was moved to Saturday. Nate: U need to loosen up, man. Hadn’t I thought the same thing about London just a few minutes ago? Without responding, I left the phone on my bed and headed downstairs. Nate and I had this conversation all the time. He liked baseball, but it wasn’t his life the way it was mine. And I had no desire to get into it with him again. It’s funny, because what first drew me to Nate was his carefree attitude, his fun-loving nature. We had become friends our freshman year when we both made the baseball team. He was a hell of a third baseman, and a pretty damn good guy. But he didn’t live and breathe the game the way I did. In fact, I knew very few

people who did. Most of my friends were into partying and hooking up with chicks. Not that I didn’t like that too. I did. And I went out when I could. I loosened up when I wanted to. But never on a night before a game. The guys had a hard time understanding that, and I knew they’d harass me like crazy about my absence at the party. But when they showed up on Saturday morning with hangovers and played like shit, then I’d be the one laughing. Of course they wouldn’t care. In their minds it would all be worth it. Besides, in their minds it wasn’t a big deal since it was only fall ball. But for me, playing like shit wasn’t an option, even if it was only the fall season. No way was I going to screw up my chance of playing for a good college next year. I had to be on my game at all times. Baseball wasn’t my hobby. It was my present, my future, my everything.

CHAPTER 5

London I forgot to set my alarm clock. It was the light peeking in through the blinds that finally woke me. My eyes popped open, and I stared around my room. However, I couldn’t make anything out because I didn’t have on my glasses or contacts. Throwing out my arm, my fingers fumbled around on my nightstand, brushing over my Kindle and my cellphone before finally touching my glasses. Closing my fingers around them, I plucked them up and brought them to my face. After placing them over my eyes, I blinked as the room came into focus. When my gaze fell to my alarm clock, my stomach plummeted. I only had twenty minutes to get to the game. Shit. It took almost that long to ride my bike. I could ask Dad for the car, but he probably had things to do today. And I had no desire for him to drive me to the game. The last time he dropped me off at school he hollered “I love you,” at the top of his lungs as I scurried away from the car. Kids teased me for weeks, yelling, “I love you” as I passed them in the hall and making kissy faces at me. As if they didn’t have enough reasons to make fun of me. It’s not like I needed to give them any more ammunition. I wanted to be angry with Dad, but I knew he didn’t mean to embarrass me. It was just how he was. Still, I didn’t want a repeat performance. Hopping out of bed, I ran to my dresser. I still couldn’t believe how late I overslept. Then again, I had been up late last night. I had started a new novel, and I couldn’t put it down. In fact, I’d wanted to stay up until I finished it, but eventually I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. Peering over my shoulder, I spotted my Kindle, and longing filled me. If only I could stay home and finish my book instead of having to go to this darn game. Nerves filled me at the thought. But I didn’t have a choice. I had to turn in the article this week. Grabbing the first outfit I could find, I snatched it out. It was a long-sleeved shirt and jeans, pretty much what I wore every day. You might want to wear something different on Saturday. Cooper’s words floated through my mind, and I glanced down at the outfit I clutched in my hands. Dropping the shirt, I

perused my drawer until I found a short-sleeved t-shirt. It was navy blue with a silver heart on the front. I think I’d only worn it one time before. After quickly changing, I caught my reflection in the mirror above my dresser. This dresser used to be my mom’s. It was in our garage for a long time. A few years ago, Dad was going to get rid of it, but I begged him to fix it up and let me have it. We sanded it down and repainted it. Dad said it was because it needed to be redone, but I knew the truth. He didn’t want to be reminded of her every time he came in my room. Not that I blamed him, exactly. I didn’t either. The dresser with the ornate mirror attached looked nothing like it had before. We had changed it so much that we could almost pretend it had never belonged to Mom. Yet, I knew it was hers. And that alone gave me comfort. I liked knowing that a part of her was right here with me. My hair was tangled and messy. Several brown strands coiled around my face, springing up in the air as if I’d hair-sprayed them like that, while other chunks were literally plastered to my head. Glancing back at the clock, I groaned. I so did not have time to shower. Snatching up my brush, I ran it through my tangles. It got caught a couple of times, but I forced it through. Then I twisted it up into a bun and secured it with a hair-tie and a few bobby pins. It didn’t look great, but it was as good as it was going to get today. I wanted to put in my contacts, but I didn’t have time. Grunting in frustration, I stared at my thick-rimmed black glasses in the mirror. I’d been wearing contacts since middle school, and I rarely went anywhere in my glasses. But today I had no choice. After brushing my teeth and slipping on a pair of tennis shoes, I snatched up my pad of paper and purse, then raced to the front door. Dad was sitting at the kitchen table, a steaming cup of coffee in front of him and the newspaper in his hands. In this digital age, my dad still embraced the good old days, as he called them. He enjoyed the old-fashioned newspaper. Said he liked the feeling of it between his fingers, liked the smell of it and the crinkly sound it made when he turned the page. “Where are you off to?” He lifted his head, only his eyes visible behind the pages. “The baseball game at my school.” Dad lowered the paper, his eyebrows jumping up. “That’s right. Should’ve reminded me. I would’ve went with you.”

Thank god I didn’t. If I thought him dropping me off was embarrassing, I can’t even imagine how mortifying it would be if he came with me. “That’s okay, but I have to get moving. I’m already late.” “Take the car,” Dad offered. “Are you sure? The game may be a couple of hours.” “I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got my paper and sports on the television. I’m good here.” Dad smiled. “Thanks.” Relief swept over me as I grabbed the keys off the kitchen counter. “I’ll come home right after.” “Take your time.” Dad brought the large black and white pages back up, obscuring his face, the papers rustling with the movement. Fisting the keys in my hand, I opened the front door and hurried outside. The sun was out, and it was already warm. I was glad I had decided to wear the short-sleeved shirt. Besides, it wasn’t so bad. It was still modest with its high scoop neck. I drove as fast as I could to the school. By the time I pulled into the school parking lot I had a couple minutes to get to the game in time. Yanking my pad of paper and purse off the passenger seat, I closed the car door and locked it. Then I walked swiftly toward the baseball field. As I neared it, I was surprised with how many people were in the bleachers. I knew the football games were packed, but I didn’t expect the baseball team to draw a crowd. I wasn’t sure why, but suspected it had to do with how much the school pushed football above all our other sports. The team was out on the field by the time I made it to the bleachers. The only seat on the home side was in the middle. As I climbed over to it, I lost my footing and stumbled a bit, almost falling in some old lady’s lap. But she was friendly as her arm came up to stop my fall. “Sorry,” I mumbled, my face flaming. “No problem, dear.” She peered up at me through her wide-brimmed straw hat, her coral painted lips curving into a smile that was warm and kind. Biting my lip, I righted myself and carefully made my way to the open space. Sighing, I sat down, grateful to be seated. This was precisely why I hated this kind of thing. Sitting at home reading a novel

was safe. I placed my pad of paper in my lap and lowered my purse onto the bleachers next to my thigh. Lifting my head, I caught sight of Cooper standing on the mound wearing his Tigers’ uniform and ball cap. As he stood up tall, bringing the ball in close to his chest, I found myself mesmerized. His expression was calculated, focused, the set of his jaw determined. The stands on our side were quiet as he readied himself for the pitch. When he threw the ball, I held my breath. Only when the umpire called the strike did I dare breathe. I’d never been a sports fan, but there was something about the way Cooper pitched that fascinated me. Clapping ensued around me. The old woman who I almost fell on cupped her hand around her mouth and shouted, “All right, Coop. Great job.” The man sitting next to her placed his hand on her back, smiling brightly. I wondered if they were related to Cooper. Grandparents, maybe. This time when Cooper pitched the ball the batter hit it. Only he didn’t make it far because an outfielder retrieved it, threw it to first, and the runner was out. Cooper played well the remainder of the inning and pretty soon the umpire called three outs. Cooper jogged off the mound as the other Tigers players headed toward the dugout. I watched him jog, his cleats pounding on the grass. When he reached the dugout, his head bobbed up and he smiled into the bleachers. At first I thought he was smiling at me, and heat crept up into my cheeks. But then the older couple I’d wondered about waved and smiled in his direction. He grinned and nodded his head at them before returning his attention to his team. I was surprised at the obvious show of silent affection. It really messed with my image of Cooper as this cocky, selfish jock. As I settled back in my seat, something bright pink aroused my attention. I glanced over to see Calista swaggering over to the bleachers wearing a tiny pink tank top, white shorts and tall wedges. On her head was the same ball cap she’d had on the other day. I whipped my head away from her and stared out at the field, hoping she didn’t see me. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to Calista today. I wanted to finish this article and go back to my normal life. One that didn’t include jocks and the popular crowd. One that was filled with the safety of the written word and the security of my imagination.

CHAPTER 6

Cooper When I pitched, the rest of the world fell away. The crowd disappeared from my vision, the noises faded from my ears. I would forget other people existed outside of the field. It was just me, the batter, the ball, and my team. Outside of that, nothing else mattered. Nothing could rock me or upset my focus. Until today. I threw a pitch, striking out the batter, when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Before the game had started I had seen where Grandma and Grandpa were sitting. Maybe that’s why I noticed it, because the commotion was right where they had been seated. I glanced over when a girl wearing a wrinkled shirt and jeans, her hair in a messy bun, stumbled and almost fell on my grandma. My heart leapt with worry until Grandma caught her. Relieved, I exhaled. My mind flew back to last year when Grandma took a fall on the stairs of the front porch. Fortunately, she’d only suffered minor bruising and a sprained ankle, but it could have been a lot worse. Ever since then, I’d been warning her to be cautious. However, I never thought coming to one of my baseball games would be dangerous. What the hell was wrong with that girl? Was she drunk or something? When she glanced up, I got a good look at her face and recognized that it was London. Her cheeks were flushed, her expression one of embarrassment, and I felt a little bad for my judgmental thoughts. Clearly she hadn’t meant to fall. I remembered her dropping her pen the first time I met her. Maybe she was klutzy. Now that I knew who it was, I was sure she wasn’t drunk. Taking a deep breath, I turned back to the batter and forced myself to regain my focus. Once I got back in the zone, I was able to stay there the remainder of the game. In fact, I was so locked in, I hadn’t even noticed that Calista had shown up until the game ended. And then I wished I’d never noticed. She stood against the fence, her fingers twisted around the chain-links, smiling at me. My stomach churned at the fact that she was wearing my hat again. Seriously. Why didn’t the chick pee on me to mark her territory? When our eyes locked, she smiled largely.

“Hey, Cooper!” Her voice was so loud I feared the school across town could hear her. As it was, most of the parents in the stands looked over, including my grandparents. They weren’t stupid. They knew I dated lots of girls, and they were kind enough to let me be. As long as I got good grades and kept up with my practicing, they sort of let me do what I wanted. I’d yet to screw up, so it worked out. Still, I didn’t want Calista acting like my girlfriend in front of them like this. I didn’t really bring girls home to meet them. There wasn’t any point. When I did introduce them to a girl, I wanted her to be someone special. Someone I could see myself with long term. And I knew that wouldn’t happen for years. I assumed it wouldn’t happen until I was playing professional ball. It sure as hell wouldn’t be while I was still in high school. And it sure as hell wouldn’t be Calista. After the huddle with our coach, Nate approached me. His eyes were bloodshot, dark rings around them. He’d played pretty shitty, but somehow we’d still won the game, so I wasn’t that upset with him. “Fun time last night, huh?” I teased. “The best. You should’ve come.” “And play the way you did? No thanks. I wanted to win this game.” “Shut up,” Nate said, but a smile played on his lips. “I didn’t play that bad.” I chuckled, not bothering to correct him. He nodded in the direction of Calista still pressed against the fence, staring in our direction. “Looks like you haven’t talked to her yet.” My insides twisted. “No, not yet.” “She was at the party last night.” Hope unfurled at his words. Perhaps she’d hooked up with another guy. That would make this so much easier. “Really?” “Yep, and she was wearing that damn hat and telling everyone that you two were together.” “Shit,” I muttered under my breath. I was screwed. Nate laughed, slapping me on the back. “It’s not that bad. She’s hot, and hella eager. You could hold on to her a little longer.” I felt sick at his words. She wasn’t a toy. She was a person. Then again, I supposed I wasn’t

treating her any better. I’d been stringing her along and using her, hadn’t I? Just because I didn’t verbalize it didn’t make it any better. “Nah, I can’t do that. Not if she thinks we’re a couple.” Damn, how did I let this get so out of control? Trudging away from Nate, I made my way toward Calista. As I approached, I caught site of London sitting in the bleachers, that pad of paper in her lap. Shit. I had forgotten about her. My gaze sweeping the area around me, I didn’t see Grandma or Grandpa. Most likely they’d already left. Usually they took off right after the game, and we talked later. I found myself relieved by this. That way I wouldn’t have to introduce them to Calista. It would make what I had to say a little easier. “Hey, Coop.” Calista leaned in, her lips almost touching the fence. I cringed at her using my nickname. It was what the guys on the team called me, not the girls I fooled around with. I didn’t know why it bothered me so much, but it did. I didn’t like the way it sounded coming out of her mouth. My eyes lifted to the hat nestled in her curls. “Still wearing my hat, huh?” “I never take it off,” she said. “Well, except when I sleep…and shower.” She winked. Now I was picturing her naked, soap lathered all over her smooth flesh. Shit. Reaching through the fence, she drug her nail up my arm. “You played great today.” “Oh, yeah?” Despite my best efforts, my flirty side came out to play. It was like I couldn’t even control it. “Yeah.” She leaned in close. “I may even have a reward for you.” My pulse quickened. Maybe Nate was right. I didn’t have to break it off with her today. The bleachers creaked as London stood up behind Calista. Once again, I’d forgotten about her. Damn it, what was wrong with me? As if in response to my internal question, Calista’s fingers tickled the sensitive flesh of my arm, trailing up under my sleeve. London stomped down the stairs, the hard look on her face betraying her impatience. I cleared my throat. “Um…how about I catch up to you later, Calista? I sort of have a meeting right now.” “Meeting?” She furrowed her brows, appearing perplexed. Not as if that was uncommon. She

always seemed a little confused. “Well, interview, actually. For the paper. Remember?” Irritation flared in her eyes as she whirled around to where London was standing in the grass. “Oh. Right.” She scrunched up her nose in disgust. “I wondered what she was doing here.” London spun around, her back to us. “London, wait!” I called to her, feeling bad. I was the one who asked her to come here, after all. “I’ll be there in a minute.” Her shoulders stiffened, and she stopped walking. Before she could take off again, I flashed Calista an apologetic look. “I’ll text you later?” “Promise?” The hopeful look in her eyes made me feel like shit. Then my gaze lowered to her boobs, barely confined in her top, and the remorse left me. I mean, she’s the one who wanted this, right? I was actually doing her a favor. “Promise.” I smiled. She drew her hand back, and turned around. “Don’t leave me hanging, Cooper,” she called over her shoulder. I stared at her ass while she sashayed away. “You sure she’s not your girlfriend?” London asked. Shrugging, I maneuvered around the fence. “I didn’t think you came here to talk about my personal life.” London had the decency to look ashamed. “Point taken.” By the time I reached her, she was scanning her pad of paper, her eyes moving swiftly behind her glasses. I didn’t remember her wearing glasses the last time we talked. “I have a few more questions, and then we’ll be done.” “Sounds good.” I didn’t mean to sound so enthusiastic about it, and I saw a flicker of annoyance in London’s eyes. “Wanna sit?” The bleachers and field had pretty much cleared out. Only a few stragglers were left, and I needed to sit down. Weariness was settling on me, blanketing my muscles. We both sat on the first bleacher and it moaned beneath us. The sun was strong, and sweat gathered under my hat and down my spine. I noticed that London had worn a short-sleeved shirt today. She

still had on those damn jeans though. I had no idea why the girl chose to torture herself with the clothes she wore. But it was none of my business, so I let it go. London pulled a pen out of her purse, her head still bent over her notebook. A few strands of brown hair escaped from her bun, hanging against her face. One strand curled around her thick glasses. Her cheeks were red, and I assumed it was from the heat. “I guess first I should congratulate you on the win,” London spoke, cutting through my thoughts. “Thanks.” “Your number has always been eleven. Is there a reason for that?” Her question surprised me. She’d clearly done her research. Yeah, the number had significance, but only a few people knew about it. I certainly wasn’t going to share it with the whole school. “Nope,” I lied. “Just like the number.” “I noticed you get really in the zone when you’re out there,” she observed. I nodded, unsure of what to say. It didn’t really seem like a question. “There was only one time where you even seemed to notice the crowd.” My stomach knotted. Did she see me looking when she fell? “It was in between innings when you smiled at the older couple sitting in front of me. Are they relatives of yours?” I raised a brow, surprised by the personal question. What did my grandparents have to do with baseball? But I decided to answer anyway. What could it hurt? “Yeah. They’re my grandparents.” “Do they come to your games often?” “Almost every single one.” I smiled. “Really?” “Yeah. My grandpa used to play ball when he was younger. They enjoy coming to the games.” “Is he the reason you love baseball?” I shook my head. “Um…no. Not really.” Holding my breath, I prayed she wouldn’t continue to pry. “So it was just your parents who encouraged you to play then?” I was grateful that she worded it that way. All I had to do was nod.

“Were they here today? I didn’t see your grandparents talking with anyone else.” “Um…” I scratched the back of my neck, finding it difficult to draw breath. “No, they weren’t.” “Oh.” She opened her mouth like she was going to ask another question, and panic bloomed inside of me. “Look, it’s really hot, and I’ve been out here since early this morning. Can we try to wrap this up?” She reeled back, looking stricken. “Sorry,” I muttered, wishing I hadn’t been so harsh with her. But why did she have to be so nosy about my personal life? I thought we were supposed to stick to baseball. “I’m just exhausted.” Her expression softened, and her shoulders relaxed. “That makes sense. You did work hard today.” She scribbled something on her pad of paper. “I actually think I have all I need in order to write the article.” “Okay.” I stood, relieved to be finished. “Thanks for letting me interview you.” She stood too. “Do you want to see a copy of the article before it goes live?” “Nah. I trust you.” I winked, and pink rose on her cheeks. Seriously, I needed to reign in my flirting. She was the last girl I wanted to give the wrong impression too. It was bad enough that I had Calista breathing down my neck. “All right. Then I guess I’ll see ya around.” Her eyes shifted nervously behind her glasses. “Yeah. See ya.” She turned to walk away, and I went in search of my bag. Knowing that the interview was over, it was like having a weight lifted off my shoulders. I hadn’t even realized how worried I was about it until now. The entire time she interviewed me it was like this ball of nerves sat right in my gut. I thought I had been irritated about it because it was a waste of time. But now I knew it was more than that. I had been worried about the questions. Concerned that she would somehow find out about my parents. And that was something I didn’t want to talk about.

CHAPTER 7

London It was late Sunday afternoon when I finished writing the article. I would’ve finished it earlier, but when I came back from the game yesterday I ended up taking a nap. Normally I didn’t sleep in the middle of the day, but maybe all the heat had gotten to me. Then last night I got engrossed in my latest novel, so I didn’t start working on the article until today. Sitting at the desk in my room, I read back over it. First, I had summarized the baseball game and described Cooper’s pitching style. Then I went into some of our interview. While reading over Cooper’s responses, I pictured his face, how it lit up whenever he talked about baseball. Surprisingly, he had almost the same expression when he talked about his grandparents. Rarely did I meet guys like that, and it confused me. It was like Cooper had a split personality or something. On the one hand he was a doting grandson, passionate about baseball. I knew from the research I’d done that he got straight A’s in school too. That Cooper, the one that I felt drawn too while interviewing, was straight laced, the perfect student and all around good guy. But the other side of Cooper was the one I’d been familiar with all throughout high school. He was arrogant and rude, a flirt, a player, a partier. I may not have been Calista’s biggest fan, but I was still disgusted by how easily he dismissed her at both practice and the game. Clearly they had some kind of relationship by the way she was acting, and it bothered me that he brushed it off as nothing. It was hard for me to reconcile these two sides of Cooper. That’s why I stuck to the subject of baseball in the article and didn’t allow my personal feelings to interfere. I wasn’t sure who Cooper truly was, but when he spoke of baseball I felt like he seemed authentic and real, so that’s how I portrayed him. I didn’t mention his grandparents, but I did add in what he told me about his mom saying that he was born with a baseball in his hand. I thought it added a nice touch. My handwriting was so atrocious there were a few words I had to read repeatedly before understanding what it said. As I snatched up the article and stood, I wished for the umpteenth time that we

had a computer here. We used to have an old desktop, but it crashed last year and we’d yet to purchase a new one. Dad was out running errands, so I’d have to ride my bike to the library to type up the article. Stretching, I let out a yawn. My bed was calling to me, but I shook away the thoughts. Why was I so tired lately? I thought about how the flu was going around at school, and I silently prayed I wouldn’t get it. I made a mental note to take some vitamin C later, as I headed outside. The air was even warmer than it was this morning, and I was already wiping sweat off my forehead when I jumped on my bike and pedaled down my driveway. By the time I reached the street, I was grateful that Skyler hadn’t spotted me. If she had, she’d offer for me to use her computer. Not that I wouldn’t appreciate it, but it was so loud at Skyler’s house. Her brothers were rowdy, and her parents were talkative. I was used to quiet, so it was all a little much for me. I rounded the corner and guided my bike up on the sidewalk. Pedaling swiftly, I passed a man watering his grass and a group of kids playing in their front yard. A woman that I assumed was their mom sat on the front porch, a magazine spread over her lap. My heart pinched at the scene. I remembered my mom sitting on the porch watching me play when I was younger. She had the best smile. My dad used to say that it wasn’t just her lips that smiled, it was her whole face. I’d never met anyone else filled with such genuine joy and kindness. In the end, it was her undoing. And that’s why I was so guarded, careful to never be too friendly, too trusting. Skyler often told me I had “resting bitch face,” and I think she meant it as a criticism. But I took it as a compliment. That “resting bitch face” was my defense mechanism. If only my mom had used it, maybe she’d still be here. Shaking away the thoughts, I took a deep breath and pedaled harder. Thoughts like this weren’t helping. No amount of wishing could bring her back. If it could, she would have returned years ago. I can’t tell you how many nights I lie in bed after she left us, prayers for her return tumbling from my lips. The words lingered in the air, desperate wishes scrawled in invisible ink. I prayed they would reach her and yank her back to me. Yet, every morning when I awoke, she was still gone. Nearing the next street, I readied myself to turn. The library was only one block down now. A breeze feathered over my skin, soft, like silk. A car was parked up on the sidewalk blocking my path, so I swerved around it. My bike sloped downward until my tires hit the asphalt. A car came up behind me so I

moved as far to the right as I could. After passing the parked vehicle, I steered toward the sidewalk once again preparing to slide back up onto it. Only I lost my balance for a minute and my tire hit the side at a funny angle. My bike froze, my body pitching forward. I squeezed on the handlebars attempting to right myself, but it was too late. My bike was toppling over, my body with it. As a last-ditch effort, I threw my arms out in order to cushion my fall. My palms hit the sidewalk first, my skin stinging. By the time the rest of my body followed, I was so tangled in my bike I felt the chain cut into my leg. My ankle rolled and pain shot up through my calf. The handlebars smacked me in the face, but luckily my head didn’t hit the ground. Somehow I kept it up. Even though I was wearing a helmet, I didn’t want to chance it. A car pulled up next to where I fell, and I groaned. I was so not in the mood for a Good Samaritan right now. They probably thought they were helping, but what I really wanted was to be left alone. I could deal with this on my own. Sitting up, I attempted to peel the bike off. That’s when I noticed how badly I’d scraped my palms. Blood oozed from the lines painted in my flesh. The straps from my backpack slid down my shoulders and arms. I shrugged it off, and it dropped onto the sidewalk. My breath hitching in my throat, I turned away, warding off the unwanted memories. Blood always did this. It made me think of that day. The one day I never wanted to think of again. “You okay?” My head snapped up at the familiar voice, and I hoped I was wrong about who it was. One look and my suspicion was confirmed. Shit. Could this day get any worse? “London?” “Hi, Cooper,” I responded calmly as if I wasn’t lying on the ground wrapped around my bicycle and covered in blood and bruises. Reaching up, I adjusted the helmet on my head which had slipped down to my eyes. That’s probably why he didn’t recognize me when he first pulled up. If he had, I was sure he wouldn’t have stopped. He probably thought there was some hot chick under this helmet. Boy was he wrong. “Here, let me help you up.” He bent down, his arms extended toward me. I waved him away. “It’s fine. I got it.” Shifting, I attempted to shove the bike off and stand up, but it was more difficult than I first anticipated. Not to mention that the pain in my ankle was worsening.

Biting my lip, I tried one more time. Ignoring my protests, Cooper grabbed the bike and lifted it off of me carefully. Then he propped it up on the kickstand and turned back to me. “Can you stand?” “Of course I can stand,” I barked. “I mastered the art of standing years ago.” An amused look passed over his features. Irritated, I set my hands on the ground and pushed my body up. My body trembled a little as I reached a standing position. I teetered over as I tried to put weight on my ankle. As my body swayed to the side, Cooper’s arms came up to steady me. “Whoa.” His grip around my middle was firm, yet oddly gentle. His touch sent an unwanted chill up my spine, but I was afraid to push away. Afraid I would fall over. I was already mortified enough, I didn’t need to add to it. “I better take a look at that ankle.” Blowing out a breath, I hesitantly agreed. The last thing I wanted was for Cooper to examine my ankle. In fact, what I wanted was for him to leave and forget this whole thing happened. But I wasn’t sure how I’d get home if he left. I couldn’t even stand on my ankle. With his arm still around my waist, he helped me to the ground. Then he knelt beside me and lifted the bottom of my jeans to expose my ankle. The wind kicked up, and the scent of mint and spice wafted under my nose, causing my heart to race. Cooper’s fingers trailed over my flesh as he lowered my sock to get a better look. I shivered. “It doesn’t look too good.” He frowned. “Can you move it?” With a little effort I was able to bend it. “Yeah.” “It’s probably not broken then, just sprained. But it’s swelling a lot already.” His hand remained fixated on my skin. It was warm and soft. I hated to admit it, but it felt good. He glanced up at me, and his face was so close to mine that if I moved forward our noses would touch. Unnerved, I drew back a little. “Do you live near here?” “Um…” Fear took root in my stomach. “Why?” A smile flickered. “Don’t worry. I’m not planning on stalking you, but I do need to get you home.” He glanced over at my bike, and then his eyes made their way to my ankle. “Unless you plan to ride back.”

My cheeks flamed at how silly and paranoid I was being. There was no way I was going to get myself home. I did need his help. Then again, Dad was probably home by now. He could pick me up. “It’s okay. I can have my dad get me.” Unzipping the backpack sitting next to me, I fished my hand inside. It was then that I pictured my phone sitting on the desk in my room. Damn it, I’d forgotten it. “Never mind.” I sighed. “I forgot my phone.” Embarrassed, I lifted my hand, wiping my face. Too late I realized that was not a smart move since my hands were streaked in blood. Without skipping a beat, Cooper reached out and swiped his finger across my cheek. I froze, my heart picking up speed. No guy had ever touched my face before. When our eyes met, he cleared his throat. “You had a little blood on your face,” he said, nervous laughter under his words. I nodded as he pulled his hand away. “My house is around the corner.” Reaching over, I zipped back up my backpack and then grabbed it, clutching the straps in between my fingers. “Okay.” Sliding his hands under my armpits, he hoisted me up and then guided me to his car. After getting in the passenger seat, I peered over at my bike. Then I looked behind me at the backseat of his compact car. “What are we gonna do with my bike?” Cooper smiled, that dimple forming on his cheek again. If only he could put that thing away. It would make it easier to dislike him. “Lucky for you, I have a bike rack on top of my car.” “Do you ride?” “Sometimes. My grandpa and I used to ride the trails on the weekends before baseball season started back up.” After closing the passenger door, he walked toward my bike. Settling back in the seat, I thought about what a strange turn of events this was. What were the chances that Cooper would be my Good Samaritan? More importantly, what were the chances that I would actually be happy about it?

CHAPTER 8

Cooper After securing London’s bike to the top of the car, my cell buzzed inside my pocket. Before even looking at it, I knew who it was. I had been on my way to Calista’s when I saw London fall. It’s why I was driving through this part of town. This street was a shortcut between my house and Calista’s, and I knew if it took too long to get to her house my conscience would take over and I’d never make it there. After the game yesterday I’d ended up hanging out with the guys until late last night. But that didn’t stop Calista from texting nonstop. I knew it was a mistake to hook up with her again, but I hadn’t been thinking with my brain when I got in my car earlier. Calista was persuasive, I’d give her that. When I saw the girl fall on her bike, I had no idea it was London. All I knew was that it was a nasty fall. I’d had a fall like that once, and if no one had stopped for me, I would’ve been screwed. The difference was that I had actually broken my leg. That’s why I pulled over. Several cars passed by as if they hadn’t even seen the crash. But it was impossible to miss, so I knew they had seen it. People’s ability to be selfish and ignore other people’s needs never ceased to amaze me. As badly as I was itching to get to Calista’s, I couldn’t pass by a person in need like that. Now I was glad I had pulled over. London may be a total pain in the ass, but I would’ve felt like shit if she was stuck here all night with a sprained ankle. It was clear she was untrusting. And let’s face it, the chick was a mess. Who else would help her? Even though I was pretty sure she didn’t like me that much, at least I wasn’t a stranger. I had a feeling she would never let a stranger drive her home. It was like pulling teeth to get her to say yes to me. As I walked toward the driver’s side door, I glanced down at my phone. Calista: Where r u? Me: Something came up. Calista: U r still coming over, right? I stared through the window at London sitting in the passenger seat. She was holding her ankle, her

face contorted in pain. She’d taken her helmet off, and it sat in her lap. Her golden hair was disheveled, a sweaty, tangled knot at the nape of her neck. She must have felt me staring because she craned her neck, her eyes catching mine. Then she flashed me a pained, yet grateful smile. It was the most vulnerable I’d seen her, and it took me aback. Me: I don’t think so. Without waiting for a response, I shoved the phone back into my pants pocket and slid into the car. I needed to get London home so she could ice her ankle. “Where to?” I asked, after turning on the engine. “Turn around,” she instructed. I did as I was told, and slowly moved down the street. “Then turn right at this stop sign.” I flicked on my blinker and slowed. After turning, we passed an apartment complex and a few duplexes. Rarely did I come over to this part of town, and it was unfamiliar. “My house is right here.” She pointed with her index finger at a rundown duplex. The paint was chipped, the grass yellow. By the way she bent her head and bit her lip, it was clear that she was ashamed of it. Now I wondered if her hesitation of me coming over had more to do with pride than fear. As I pulled up along the curb, I nodded and pasted on a smile, determined to make her feel comfortable. The driveway was empty, the house dark. “Is anyone home?” She shook her head. “I thought Dad would be home by now, but it doesn’t look like it.” “Then I’ll help you inside.” After shutting off the engine, I maneuvered around the car, opened her door and reached for her. As I secured my arm around her waist, I caught a whiff of apple scent. It floated from her hair that was slowly falling out of the knot she had it in. Tendrils broke loose and whipped in the wind. Her fingers closed around my shirt, her eyes colliding with mine. They were light brown, the color of caramel, but with yellow flecks, like tiny pieces of gold. For a moment I was mesmerized by them. I paused, getting lost in them as if spellbound. A dog barked in the distance, and the spell was broken. Unsure what the hell happened, I averted my gaze and moved forward. She was walking a little more stable, her ankle able to support her slight frame better than before. But she still needed my support to get

into the house. The interior of London’s duplex was nicer than the exterior. It was cozy, even, with old fashioned furniture and warm paintings on the wall. After lowering London into the dark leather recliner near the front door, I asked her if she had an ice pack. “You really don’t have to do all this,” she said, dropping her backpack on the ground. “My dad should be home any minute. Or I can text Skyler, my neighbor, and she can come over. You can go, really. You’ve done enough already.” She was unlike any other girl I’d ever met. Most girls would be begging me for help and attention at this point. She was practically pushing me away. And her ankle was swelling by the minute. She must be in extreme pain, yet she was calm and collected. Not at all like someone who just had a crash on their bike. Not to mention the fact that she scraped up her hands pretty badly too. For some reason her insistence that she could handle this on her own only made me want to help her more. “I’m not leaving you like this,” I said firmly. “You’re a mess.” “Gee, thanks.” She stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. It was the flirtiest gesture I’d seen from her, and it stirred a strange feeling inside. One I didn’t want to have. One I refused to even acknowledge. “But since you insist on helping, there’s an ice pack in the freezer.” Nodding, I walked into the kitchen. After locating an ice pack and wetting a rag, I headed back into the family room. Kneeling down in front of London, I untied her shoe and carefully slipped it off. Then I gently placed the ice pack over her ankle. Afterward, I asked her to hold out her palms. Her eyes grew serious as she extended her arms, palm sides up. Dragging the rag over her palms, I rubbed gently, erasing all traces of dried blood. “Is that better?” I asked. She nodded, her lips pressed together. With my fingers around her wrists, I inspected her hands. “Do you have a first aid kit? You should probably clean out these cuts and put on some bandaids.” “It’s fine. I can do that later.” In one swift movement, she drew her hands back. Tucking them up into her body, she lowered her head.

Taking my cue, I stood back up. It was probably time to go anyway. I did have somewhere to be after all. And I should have wanted to leave. I had a sexy girl waiting. A girl who had told me in graphic detail what she wanted to do with me. But for some reason I was hesitant to leave London. My gaze landed on her backpack, and I knew I was stalling. What had gotten into me? “Why did you have your backpack with you on your bike ride? Planning to take a break to do homework?” I teased. She sighed. “Actually, I was on my way to the library to type up your article. Now it won’t be done in time.” I felt like an ass. This girl lived such a different life than mine. I thought of my nice suburban neighborhood, and two story house. Of the two computers we owned and the laptop sitting in the backseat of my car. My laptop. Of course. “Hey, I have a laptop in my car. Wanna use it?” She shook her head. “Oh, no. It’s okay. I’ll figure it out.” Her stubbornness was sort of endearing at first, but now it was kind of annoying. Why couldn’t the chick take any help? “C’mon. It’s not like you’re going anywhere on that ankle tonight.” “God, you’re persistent. Anyone ever tell you that?” I chuckled. “I have heard that before. Yes.” She sighed. “Well, since you clearly don’t know how to take no for an answer, then I guess I have no choice.” “Now you’re finally seeing reason,” I bantered back as I stepped toward the door. “I’ll be right back, and I’ll grab your bike while I’m at it.” “You can leave it by the garage.” Her lips curved slightly at the edges. “Thanks,” she practically whispered the word, and I wondered why this was so hard for her. “Sure.” Reaching for the knob, I turned it and stepped outside. As I walked toward my car, I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. A girl with dark hair stared at me through the neighbor’s window. Her jaw dropped as if she was in shock at the sight of me, causing my stomach to coil. Before the interview I hadn’t remembered seeing London around school much. But the truth was,

that I had. I just hadn’t noticed her. She was always kind of in the background. A silent girl, her head bent downward, her hair obscuring her face. But there were times when our paths crossed. We had English class together last year, even though I was a year ahead of her in school. One day she tripped and fell on her way into class, and everyone teased her. For days the whispers and smart ass remarks circled. And there was the list that Calista and her friends made last year. It was the kind of list no one wanted to grace. One of those derogatory lists, filled with mean things like “ugliest hair” and “girl that no one wants to kiss.” London’s name had been on it in several different categories. And I had the sick feeling she knew it too. The surprised expression of the girl in the window was etched in my mind, causing me to realize why London was behaving the way she was. It wasn’t pride or fear. It was uncertainty. It was doubt. She wasn’t used to people being nice to her.

CHAPTER 9

London Cooper’s laptop was nice, all sleek and chrome. Envy cropped up when I opened it and ran my fingers over the keyboard. Cooper plugged it in, so I didn’t have to get up. A part of me wished he’d stop being so nice. Another part of me wanted him to stay here with me forever. I was so perplexed, my head spun. Trying to ignore the fact that Cooper was sitting on the couch in my living room watching me, I smoothed out my handwritten article and started typing. My hands trembled with each letter I touched. Feeling Cooper’s eyes on me, my skin buzzed, warmth skating right under my flesh. Biting my lip, I continued to type, forcing myself to remain calm. But it was a losing battle. Nerves rattling, I kept fumbling the words, having to back up and retype almost every one after botching it. And it didn’t help that my palms were covered in scratches. In order to not hurt them further, I had to hold my wrists up at a weird angle. “How is your ankle?” Cooper asked. “Better,” I answered honestly, glancing down at the ice pack over it. “Of course it’s numb, so maybe that’s why.” Cooper chuckled. “Yeah, that’ll help.” My hands stilled, pausing over the keys. What was Cooper still doing here? I couldn’t figure it out. The whole thing was baffling. It’s not like we were friends or anything. “Why are you being so nice?” I blurted out. Cooper’s eyes widened, his mouth slacking. He looked stunned. The truth was, I sort of was too. I hadn’t exactly meant to say that aloud. But now that I had, I was interested in the answer. “I didn’t realize I was usually such an ass.” One side of Cooper’s mouth curved upward. “I didn’t say you were an ass,” I backpedaled, my gaze sweeping over the laptop covering my legs. I was the ass for putting him down when he’d rescued me today. “Asking why I’m being nice today sort of implies that you don’t think I normally am,” he pointed out.

Unsure of what to say to make this better, I stared down at my hands. “Sorry,” I finally mumbled. “No, it’s fine. I get it.” Reaching up, he tugged lightly on the rim of his ball cap. “It makes sense why you’d ask that. We’ve never really hung out before.” His admission buoyed me. “We’ve never even talked before.” “Unless you count the interview.” Cooper grinned. “Speaking of which, since I’m here, can I see what you wrote?” “Um…sure. Let me just finish typing it. You’ll never be able to read my handwriting.” When I returned to the article, the sound of the garage door opening sounded behind me. Dad was home. Cooper must have heard the noise too, because he sat up straighter, his shoulders tensing. I typed swiftly, trying to finish fast. The door leading from the kitchen into the garage popped open. “Pumpkin,” Dad hollered, and I cringed. “In here,” I said between gritted teeth, unable to look up at Cooper. I was sure he was wearing a cheesy grin, laughing to himself. And I could hear the teasing at school tomorrow, everyone calling me pumpkin like it was the funniest shit ever. Why had I allowed Cooper to take me home? I wasn’t in his group. We weren’t friends. He was probably here to gain information to use against me. His dimples and easy grin had sucked me in. I was an idiot, plain and simple. I heard the sound of bags being set down, and then Dad’s feet shuffled on the hard floor. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you had company.” I detected the wariness in his tone. Not that I was surprised. This was the first time a boy had ever been in our home. In fact, it was the first time anyone other than Skyler had been here. “Uh…yeah. It was sort of unexpected.” I glanced over at Cooper. “Dad, this is Cooper. I fell off my bike, and he happened to be driving by at the same time.” “You fell off your bike?” Concern filled Dad’s face. “Are you okay?” His gaze roved over my body until it rested on my ankle. “It’s not broken,” Cooper interjected. “Not like I’m a doctor or anything, but I’ve broken bones before. She can bend it. I think it’s just sprained.”

I was surprised by Cooper’s nervous rambling. I’d only ever seen him sure and confident. Why was my dad making him anxious? Dad lifted his head to Cooper. “Thanks for taking care of her.” Taking a step forward, he extended his hand. “I’m Dexter, London’s dad.” “Nice to meet you, Dexter.” Cooper stood, took Dad’s hand and shook it. It was weird seeing the two of them together. Almost like it made this whole thing too real. Fantasies unleashed, and my heart squeezed. I couldn’t allow my mind to go there. Cooper only felt pity for me. That’s all this was. Besides, it’s not like I’d ever want more from him. I wasn’t interested in guys. Not right now. I wanted to stay safe here with my dad and my books, and to focus on my writing. That’s it. Dad’s eyes slid up to Cooper’s hat. “Oh, you must be the baseball player London was interviewing.” “That’s me.” Cooper beamed. Hurriedly, I typed in the last few sentences. “All done,” I said, triumphantly. “Great. Can I take a look?” Cooper asked. “Sure. Do you want to read it before I email it to John?” Cooper paused. “Nah. I can take a look afterward.” “All right. Well, then I’ll send it to him and save it to your laptop. That way you can look at it whenever you want.” I told myself that I misread the look that crossed his face. It looked like disappointment, but that couldn’t be right. I was sure he was beyond relieved to finally be able to get the hell out of here. Cooper could find a lot more riveting things to do than hang out with an injured nerd and her dad. “Sounds good.” He smiled, turning to my dad. “Looks like I’m outta here.” “Well, you’re welcome to come back anytime,” Dad said, shocking me further. This whole afternoon had been like an episode of the Twilight Zone. None of it made any sense. I half expected to wake up and find it was all some bizarre dream. “I’m going to go put away the stuff I bought at the store.” Dad ducked out of the room. I heard the rustling of paper bags when he reached the kitchen. After shooting off the email, I saved the document and then closed the laptop. Cooper unhooked

the cord. Before picking up the laptop, his gaze landed on the framed picture of my mom on the wall. “Is that your mom?” he asked. I nodded, the air leaving me. “You look exactly like her.” “Thanks,” I muttered. “Your dad seems nice. Too bad I didn’t get to meet your mom.” He reached for the laptop. “Maybe some other time.” I knew these were benign words, a way to fill up the silence, but they were personal. Too personal. It was one of the many reasons I didn’t invite people over. Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes. I snorted. “Yeah, I don’t think so.” “Why not?” With his hand on the laptop, his gaze slammed into mine. Staring into his eyes, I exhaled. “I don’t know if you realize this, but you have a pretty big chip on your shoulder. I’m trying to do something nice for you, and you’re not exactly making it easy.” After sliding the laptop off my lap, he tucked it under his arm. “That’s not what I meant.” My eyes flickered to the picture. “She’s gone. That’s why you’ll never meet her.” Cooper’s face fell. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” “It’s okay. You couldn’t have known.” And I wish he didn’t know now. Again I mentally slapped myself for allowing him into my house and life like this. I’d done nothing but give him ammunition to use against me. What the hell was I thinking? As I said goodbye to him, the ramifications of what I’d done crashed over me. I knew it had been a mistake to allow him to come over. And I had the strange feeling that nothing would ever be the same again. A loud, repetitive screech sounded in the distance. But it was far away. So far I couldn’t reach it. My body floated in nothingness, like I was lying on a cloud.

“London? London?” I stirred at Dad’s insistent voice. “Huh?” Groggy, I rolled over in bed. The annoying noise ceased. “Your alarm was going off for like ten minutes. Are you going deaf?” Dad joked, his finger poking my ear gently. “Do you need to get your ears checked?” “No, I can hear just fine.” I sat up in bed, reaching for my glasses. The edges of the bandaids on my palms caught on the nightstand, pulling at my skin. “I was deep asleep, I guess.” “Don’t know how you could sleep through that awful noise. You feeling all right?” “Yeah. Just tired.” I put on my glasses, and Dad came into focus. His gaze landed on my Kindle. “Were you up late reading again?” He narrowed his eyes. “There was never a good stopping place.” I bristled defensively. Dad shook his head. “Well, I guess it could be worse.” “A lot worse,” I reminded him, shoving off my covers. “You would die if you knew what other kids my age were doing at night.” His eyes widened. “I don’t want to know.” “You’re right.” I stood up, teetering precariously on my swollen ankle. Leaning over, I pressed a kiss to his cheek. “You don’t.” A worried look crossed Dad’s face as he glanced down at my ankle. “Still hurting today?” I waved away his concern. “It’s fine. Just a sprain. It’ll be better soon.” “Are you sure? I can stay home and take you to the doctor if you need.” “I can walk on it. See.” I took a few wobbly steps. “I don’t need to see a doctor.” “You’ve always been stubborn,” Dad said, his lips curling at the edges. “Try to stay awake during class, okay?” I shook my head. “I’ll do my best.” “Skyler’s giving you a ride to school, right?” Dad asked. “Yep.” Dad made me text her last night to ask for a ride. I hated doing it, but I knew if I didn’t Dad would insist on taking me, and I didn’t want him to go into work late. “Good. I’m heading to work. See you tonight.”

“Yeah, see ya,” I called as he walked down the hallway. After opening my dresser drawer, I perused it for something to wear. My fingers fanned over t-shirts and jeans in search of something. Usually I grabbed the first thing I saw and threw it on. What was my problem today? Cooper’s face filled my mind, his blue eyes and dimpled smile. Chills skated up my spine remembering how it felt with his arms around me. I conjured up the memory of the way he smelled, of his kind eyes and caring demeanor. Chastising myself, I picked out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Then I stalked across the hall to the bathroom. After stepping into the shower, I snatched up the soap and scrubbed my skin hard, hoping it could erase all traces of Cooper from my mind. The last thing I needed was to get all tangled up about Cooper Montgomery. Sure he was nice yesterday, but it meant nothing. I would’ve bet anything that at school today he’d completely ignore me. He would be too busy with with popular, gorgeous girls like Calista, girls who fit the mold. I was not that girl, and I never would be. Besides, I shouldn’t want his attention. I’d already made a mistake I vowed I never would. Allowing Cooper into my home, especially when Dad wasn’t here, was stupid. No, it was beyond stupid. It was irresponsible. And it wouldn’t happen again. I wouldn’t have another error in judgment. Never again would I allow Cooper’s dimples and blue eyes to sway me. I’d stay strong. Strong like stones, like bricks, like nails. Since I woke up late and then spent way too much time daydreaming, I didn’t have time to blowdry my hair. Instead, I pulled it back into a bun at the nape of my neck. A few wet strands fell out while I limped over to Skyler’s house. I tucked them behind my ear before rapping on Skyler’s front door. When she answered it, her black hair hung smoothly down her back, her eyelids shimmered, her eyelashes long and curled. For having to get up so early, she looked really nice. She’d been able to pull it together a lot better than I had, and I always got up this early. “Hey, I’m sorry about this,” I told her. “No problem.” She looked at my foot. “I couldn’t let you ride your bike with a sprained ankle.” “What are you going to do during zero period?” “Hang in the library.” She walked past me, making her way over to her little red Toyota. “Don’t worry about me.”

Skyler used her usual speedy gait, her long legs moving swiftly and gracefully. I, on the other hand, resembled one of the Walking Dead. By the time I hobbled over to the car, she was already inside gliding on pink lip gloss while studying her reflection in the rearview mirror. When I slid into the passenger seat, she tossed the lip gloss to me. “Here. You could use some.” Catching me off guard, I barely had time to react. However, my reflexes kicked in and I caught it. “I’m good.” “C’mon, put a little on. It won’t bite.” She turned on the engine and pulled away from the curb. I stared at the lip gloss in my palm. Lifting my head, I caught my reflection in the side mirror. My skin was even more pale than usual. Maybe a little color would help. Shrugging, I smoothed a little gloss on my lips and then rubbed them together. “So, you gonna tell me about Cooper or do I have to beg?” Skyler asked, as she turned the steering wheel, the car turning the corner. She must’ve seen Cooper at my house. My face flamed. “There’s nothing to tell.” Her head whipped around, her mouth falling open. “Nothing to tell? He was at your house!” She was doing that squealing thing she did when she got overly excited. I cringed, kind of wishing I had ear plugs. “Remember I fell off my bike?” I pointed to my ankle. “Cooper happened to be driving by, and he stopped to help me.” “Oh, how romantic.” Skyler clutched her chest, her eyes taking on a dreamy quality. “It is not romantic,” I said. “It meant nothing.” Skyler gave me a smug smile. “If he was only helping you get home, why did he stay so long?” “Damn, you’re nosy,” I teased her. “I wouldn’t have to be if you didn’t always hold out on me.” She winked. “Yeah, because my life is full of secrets and intrigue.” “Maybe not before, but now it seems like it is.” She nudged me in the side with her free arm. “C’mon. You spent the afternoon with Cooper Montgomery while I was at home helping Mom make a batch of tortillas and listening to my brothers play videogames. The least you could do is fill me in on the details.”

I chuckled at the picture she’d drawn. I’d often told her she could write a story. “Fine. He came over and iced my ankle.” Skyler sighed, that weird wistful look on her face again. The school came into view, and I was grateful. Only another minute and then I could get out of this car, effectively ending this conversation. “Then he asked why I was out riding my bike wearing my backpack, and I told him that I was on the way to the library to type up my article on him.” “Why didn’t you come over to my house?” Skyler pulled into the school parking lot. It was practically empty with a few cars scattered here and there. By the time first period started, the whole lot would be crammed, but during zero period it was like a ghost town. “I didn’t want to bother you,” I lied. “You’re never a bother.” She smiled. “I would’ve welcomed the distraction from my family.” I grinned, knowing she was right. “Anyway, he loaned me his laptop so I could type the article.” “Shut up!” She said emphatically, slapping me in the shoulder. “I wish you’d let me,” I mumbled. She giggled. “You know what I mean.” I nodded. Yeah, I did. She was surprised, and I totally got that. I had been a little shocked by his kind gesture too. After Skyler parked, I yanked up my backpack and struggled to get out of the car. I was not looking forward to limping around campus all day. There was no way to go undetected with my ankle like this. Kids would notice, and that was something I dreaded. “Sounds like he’s totally into you.” Skyler came around the car to meet me. “He is not.” My chest tightened at her words. I knew she wasn’t correct, but there was a part of me that wanted so desperately to believe it. To grasp the words and hold them close, as if by doing so they would come true. But life wasn’t like that. I had learned that the hard way. Wanting something didn’t make it real. Wishes were nothing but unanswered prayers, fleeting thoughts we never saw come to fruition. They scarred you if you allowed them to, if you foolishly put your hopes in them. And that was something I wouldn’t do again.

CHAPTER 10

Cooper I never made it to Calista’s last night. A fact which she couldn’t stop reminding me of today. Frankly, it was starting to piss me off. And it was the reason why I didn’t get involved in relationships. Once that happened, the girl became needy and suddenly demanded all my time and attention. I was a busy guy. I couldn’t spend all my time with some girl. Besides, I had baseball and school, and that required my focus right now. If I had any hope of getting into a good college, I couldn’t allow some chick to take over my life. “I waited for you for hours.” Calista leaned her back against my locker, sticking her bottom lip out in a pout. It was sexy as hell, but it didn’t quell my irritation. “Look, I told you, something came up, okay?” “Hey, Coop,” Nate waved from his locker across the hall. When I lifted my hand to wave back, his gaze shifted to Calista, and he cocked an eyebrow. I flashed him a knowing smile. “What came up that was so important?” Calista asked, yanking my attention back to her. One thing that was clear was that she liked to be the center of attention. God, she was exhausting. London floated into my mind. I remembered how helpless she appeared lying on the ground, blood on her hands. And then I recalled her open expression filled with sorrow when she told me about her mom. I knew that pain, and in that instant I felt connected to her. Felt like she was the one person on earth who understood me. “Cooper? Where were you last night?” Calista pressed. There was no way I would tell her about being at London’s house. I didn’t plan on telling anyone. Besides, it didn’t matter. It’s not like I was planning to hang out with her again. We may have had one moment of connection, but it didn’t mean anything. When it passed, it was clear that she wanted me to leave as much as I wanted to get out of there. We weren’t compatible. We were total opposites. Plus, I

wasn’t kidding when I said she had a major chip on her shoulder. She was like ice, she was so frigid. Anytime she started to thaw, to reveal a part of herself, she quickly closed back up, freezing me out. If I thought Calista was high maintenance, London was ten times worse. At least with Calista I knew what I was getting. “Nothing. It was just a--” Clattering caught my attention. I turned my head in time to see London stumble over in the middle of the hallway. Maybe her ankle was worse than I thought. A laugh bubbled from Calista’s throat. “What a loser.” When I scanned the hallway, everyone was chuckling, pointing and whispering, but not one person was helping her. London placed her palms on the ground and pushed herself up. She held her head high, but I could see the struggle on her face as she fought against the embarrassment. Before I knew it, I was in front of her, holding out my hand. It’s like my body had a mind of its own, as if I couldn’t control it. London looked as stunned as I felt when she peered up at me. But she took my hand in hers. When I closed my fingers around her palm, I smiled. “We have to stop meeting like this.” She smiled wanly as I tugged on her arm. “I lost my balance.” Once she was upright, I released her hand and she looked downward. “Damn ankle.” “That’s right. Let him have it.” Her eyes found mine, and her lips curved upward. “Thanks for helping me.” She paused, her eyelashes fluttering. Normally when girls did that it was meant to be flirty, but I could tell that wasn’t her intention. Yet her innocence made it seem even more seductive. “Again.” “Any time,” I said, and then quickly amended. “With your track record, maybe it was a mistake to say that.” A small giggle escaped through her lips. She didn’t appear to laugh often, and it gave me a strange sense of satisfaction to know that I had elicited it. “Don’t worry. I’ll try to keep the accidents to a minimum as much as possible.” “That would probably be a good thing,” I said. “Well, I better get to class.” She cast her gaze downward. “Do you need help?” I asked, and then immediately regretted it. When my gaze swept the halls, I

saw the horrified stares from Nate and a few of the other guys. I hadn’t even thought about them when I came rushing over here like a knight in shining armor. Swallowing hard, I craned my neck in Calista’s direction. If I thought my friend’s faces were bad, they were nothing compared to Calista’s. She was practically shooting daggers at me with her eyes. “I’m fine,” London said swiftly, and then hobbled around me. I was ashamed at how relieved I was that she didn’t take me up on my offer. What was wrong with me? My emotions were so conflicted when I was around her. No one else had ever had this effect on me before. “What was that about?” Calista sidled up next to me. “She fell, and I helped her.” “Why?” My previous embarrassment turned to disgust. “The better question is, why didn’t you? Why didn’t anyone?” Running a hand over my head, I spun around and stormed away. I didn’t even stop when Nate called my name. Honestly, I was disgusted with all of them. London was up ahead, limping slowly. She hadn’t made it very far, and it was clear she wouldn’t make it anywhere very fast. It only took a second to catch up to her. “I gotta be honest, you don’t seem fine,” I said, grinning. “I look that bad, huh?” She wrinkled her button nose. With her hair pulled back and no glasses on, her eyes appeared even wider than usual, the unique color even more striking. Her lips held a hint of shimmer, her skin was so pale it resembled snow. “No, you don’t,” I breathed out the words. She bit her lip. I hardly knew her and already I knew she did this when she felt nervous. Kids flew past us, all hurrying to class, but we were moving at a snail’s pace. I found myself wanting to put my arms around London and guide her to class. But I couldn’t do that. Not here. Besides, from the little I knew of her, I didn’t think she’d welcome it anyway. “At least let me hold your bag,” I offered. She hesitated. Then a slow smile crept across her face. “Okay.”

I carefully removed her backpack and held it in my fingers. My arm lowered from the weight of it. “What do you have in here?” “Books. What else?” She took a step forward, dragging her maimed foot. “You know we have lockers for a reason, right?” Darkness fell like a curtain over her eyes, but she recovered quickly. “Oh, is that what they’re for? For our books? I’ll have to try that out sometime.” There was more to this, but I didn’t want to pry. It wasn’t my business. I was merely helping her to class. “Where are we headed?” “Mr. Humphrey’s.” “Ah, I’m sorry.” I nodded knowingly, and she chuckled. Mr. Humphrey was known for being a hard ass. Plus, he taught math, so it was bad on all counts. “He’s all right.” She shrugged. We neared the classroom. A few more students passed us, vanishing into the classrooms lining the walls. One of the girls bumped into London and she teetered on the balls of her feet. Reaching out my arm, I steadied her. She wore a sheepish expression. “The teachers I can handle.” I swiveled my head in the direction of the girl who bumped London. That’s when I recognized her as one of Calista’s friends. She flashed London a smug look before disappearing around the corner. Clearly the bump wasn’t an accident. It made me wonder if London’s locker aversion had anything to do with bullying, and that thought turned my stomach. It’s not that I didn’t know bullying took place. I guess it was something I didn’t think much about. My focus was always on my schoolwork and baseball. Everything else had become white noise. “Thanks for walking me to class.” London reached for her backpack, plucking it from my fingers. Then she flung it over her shoulder. “Hey,” I stopped her before she could turn around. “I read the article. It was really good.” I was surprised that she hadn’t mentioned my grandparents or Calista. She could’ve really smeared me or delved into my personal life, but she didn’t. She stuck to baseball and the facts like a real reporter, like a professional. Obviously she took writing seriously, the same way I took baseball. It seemed I was always

finding similarities between the two of us. “Thanks.” She smiled. “I hope John likes it. I haven’t heard from him yet.” “I’m sure he will.” “If so, it will come out in next week’s edition.” The bell pealed, and her eyes widened. “Thanks again. I have to go.” While she slipped into Mr. Humphrey’s classroom, I hurried down the hallway toward my science class, cursing myself for spending so much time talking to London. I’d never been late to class before. What the hell had gotten into me today? “So what’s the deal with you and the newspaper chick?” Nate asked while we walked toward the bus carrying our team to the away game. “Nothing.” I shifted the bag on my shoulder. “Rumor is that you flaked on Calista to go to newspaper chick’s house,” Nate continued. My body went hot, and I glanced around to see if anyone else was listening in. Brandon and Alec were the closest to us, but they were too busy laughing at something on Alec’s phone. Who had told people about me being at London’s? The memory flickered of the dark haired girl from next door. She looked familiar. I was sure she went to school here. Had she told people? I had a feeling London would be as unhappy about this as I was. “Is it true, man?” Nate asked. We reached the bus and I climbed up the steps. “Yeah, but it’s not what you’re thinking. Trust me.” “Hey, it’s not me you’ve gotta convince.” As if on cue, my phone buzzed in my pocket. Stomach sinking, I dug it out. Calista: Now I know what your big “emergency” was. Shaking my head, I shoved the phone back into my pocket. That was it. I’d been nice to Calista long enough. That chick had to go. “She’s pretty upset, dude,” Nate said.

“I don’t care,” I said harshly, finding an empty seat and dropping into it. “It’s not like she’s my girlfriend. We hooked up once.” “Hey, I get it, man.” Nate slid in next to me. “Really I do. But you know Calista. She’s pissed, and when she gets pissed, she gets even.” “What are you saying?” Dread sank into my gut. “I’m saying that if you’re not into newspaper chick, you better make sure Calista knows it or else Calista’s going to make the girl’s life a living hell.” Shit. I knew hooking up with Calista was a mistake.

CHAPTER 11

London Annabelle returned on Thursday, just in time to help us read through the newspaper one last time before Mr. Smith submitted it to the printers. John was our editor, so technically he ran the Gold Rush Gazette, but he was a student like the rest of us. Therefore, Mr. Smith was the ultimate authority. He oversaw the paper and made sure what we printed was appropriate. Basically, it was his head on the chopping block if we wrote something we shouldn’t. Annabelle and I had never been friends, and it was pretty evident that we never would be. She acted like I stole her article right from under her. As if that had been my plan all along. No matter how hard I tried to convince her otherwise, she remained pissed off. And I wasn’t in the mood. It was late, and I was tired. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up with a good book. Instead, I was sitting in a plastic chair in the middle of a cramped classroom staring at a tiny computer screen. Editing was my least favorite part of the writing process, and Annabelle was making it even worse. When I wouldn’t engage with Annabelle, she finally unleashed on John. “You couldn’t have pushed back Cooper’s article another week?” John ran an agitated hand over his sandy brown hair. “C’mon, Annabelle. You know our next issue doesn’t come out for six more weeks. By that time the fall baseball season would be almost over. The article needed to come out at the beginning of the season, not the end.” He snorted. “If we did that we might as well wait until the spring season to write the article.” Huffing, she crossed her arms over her chest. He was right, and she knew it. I bit back a smug smile as she pressed her lips together, unable to come up with an argument. She’d already tried to bring Mr. Smith into it, but he deferred to John, so there wasn’t anything else for Annabelle to do. Leaning back in my chair, I bit the cap of my pen and read over the article on the screen. The scent of sweat, pencil shavings and whiteboard markers filled my senses.

Realizing she had no other recourse, Annabelle finally flung herself into a nearby chair with a resigned sigh. The remainder of the staff worked on their respective assignments, and an hour later all the articles had been read, edited, and approved. Standing up, I stretched my arms up high above my head. A yawn escaped through my lips, and I rolled my kinked neck. Pulling out my phone, I shot off a text to my dad to see when he could pick me up. I had ridden to school with Skyler again, but I didn’t want to bother her to come back and pick me up. Man, I would be happy when my ankle was completely healed. It was feeling a little better today. I was able to put pressure on it and walk with more stability, so I was sure it would be better soon. By the time the response from Dad came the rest of the staff had left and it was only John, me, and Mr. Smith. Dad: Sorry, pumpkin. Still working. Will be there in 1 hr. I blew out a frustrated breath and shoved my phone into my pocket. “Need a ride home?” John asked. Sometimes John was annoying, but most of the time he was a nice enough guy. And we’d worked together on the paper for two years now. Still the idea of him driving me home made my skin crawl. The familiar prickle of fear tingled up my spine. “No, it’s okay.” After snatching my backpack off the floor, I slung it over my shoulder. “You sure?” He pressed. I nodded. “Yeah, my dad’s coming to get me.” “All right.” John turned off the computer nearest to him, and then picked up his book bag. “See you later, John,” I called as I stepped out of the classroom. “Bye Mr. Smith.” “See ya,” John responded. Mr. Smith waved from his desk, the light glinting off his glasses. It was darker than I thought it would be when I walked outside, and I shivered. I stared out at the street, wondering what I would do to kill time until Dad arrived. My homework called from my backpack, and I scoured the area looking for a place with some light where I could sit down. A few feet away was a bench with a streetlamp above it. As I made my way over to it, movement and noise caught my attention. My head bobbed up, my eyes landing on the baseball field. It was lit up, the team out on the field. From where I stood, I spotted Cooper on the mound.

Abandoning thoughts of studying, I moved toward the field. It was a long trek across the grass, and I was grateful that my ankle was healing. Last time I’d been out here was for Cooper’s game. I’d never been here during nighttime. It seemed almost magical with the bright lights shining over the green grass and yellow sand of the field. By the time I reached it, the team was dispersing. Some were grabbing their bags, while others were already heading out to the parking lot. My gaze swept the field and dugout searching for Cooper, but he was nowhere in sight. I was about ready to turn around when I heard his voice. It was coming from somewhere behind the bleachers. I crept forward, running my fingers along the cold metal until I finally reached the other side. Cooper’s back was to me when I approached. “Damn it.” He threw his glove on the ground and it landed with a thud in the thick green reeds. He tore off his ball cap, causing his hair to stick up in spikes all over his head. The muscles on his arm bulged as he fisted the hat in his hands, squeezing as if it was a stress ball. Feeling like I was infringing on a private moment, I turned around. Only I misjudged how close the bleachers were to me, and rammed my knee into the corner. “Shit,” I cursed under my breath. “London?” Double shit. Rubbing my knee through my jeans, I whirled around. “What are you doing here?” Not exactly a warm welcome, but then again what did I expect when I snuck up on him like this. “Um…I…I’m sorry. I um…was working on the paper, and now I needed to kill time until Dad comes to get me.” “Kill time, huh?” One side of his mouth curved upward. “So what you’re telling me is that you planned to use me?” I giggled, grateful for the shift in his mood. “Yes, I guess I did.” “I suppose I should respect your honesty. Most people won’t admit to that right off the bat.” “I’m not most people,” I said, surprised by my own boldness. Something about Cooper made me

more confident. It was weird. “No, you’re not.” He glanced down at my foot. “Your ankle seems to be getting better.” “Yeah,” I agreed. “It’s healing nicely.” For a moment he studied me, then his expression grew somber. “Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. How much of my tantrum did you see?” “Not much,” I said. “What happened?” “Just had a really shitty practice.” He dropped his hat on the ground near his feet and ran a hand through his hair. A few of the unruly strands smoothed back out. I shrugged. “At least it was only a practice.” “I wish that was the case, but I played so poorly in our game last night the coach had to pull me in the second inning.” His jaw tensed, his hands fisting at his sides. “I can’t afford to screw up like this. Not now. Not this year.” The desperation in his voice cut to my heart. I paused, choosing my words carefully. “I totally get why you’re so upset. But when I saw you play, you were incredible. One game can’t take that away. And I’m sure you’ll get it together in time for Monday’s game.” His eyes narrowed, his head cocking to the side. My stomach dropped, worried that I’d said the wrong thing. “You know our schedule?” I mentally chastised myself. God, I probably sounded like a stalker to him. “Yeah, I memorized it as part of my research for the article.” My face heated up. “I know it sounds silly, but I get really into my articles. I get that it’s a stupid school newspaper to everyone else, but it means something to me.” Why, oh why was I still rambling? I was sure he didn’t care about any of this. In fact, I was fairly certain it made me sound even more idiotic. “I get it.” He nodded. “I sometimes feel like that with baseball. To most of the guys on the team, baseball is a hobby. After high school they might play recreationally, or maybe they’ll stop playing altogether. But with me, it’s different. I plan to play professionally, and I know I’ll never be able to quit.” His words pierced my heart, snaking their way inside and squeezing hard. He did understand. He was the first person who ever had. And I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

“London.” Cooper stepped toward me, causing my pulse to quicken. His eyes seared into mine, and I swallowed hard. “Cooper?” I flinched at the sound of Calista’s voice. She stepped around the bleachers, Cooper’s hat perched on top of her blond curls. Her presence reminded me what a fool I was being. I never should have come over here. It would have been smarter to stay in front of the school, studying. What had I been thinking? That was the problem. I didn’t think when it came to Cooper. His dimpled smile and blue eyes had cast a spell on me, and I seemed to lose my brain around him. “What’s she doing here?” Calista glared at me. “I thought you two were done with the article.” I opened my mouth to explain, but Cooper spoke before I could. “It’s none of your business what we’re doing, Calista.” She reeled back from his words. “W-what?” “You and I fooled around one time, and that was it,” he said coldly. “You’re not my girlfriend, and I don’t owe you any explanations.” Calista’s face fell. A part of me felt a sick sense of satisfaction by it, but the other part felt badly for her. Clearly what happened between them meant something to her, and she’d misinterpreted his feelings. But I didn’t feel like it was her fault. I felt like it was his. And I realized that what happened to Calista could easily have happened to me. Hadn’t I, too, been sucked in by Cooper’s charm? Maybe this was his game, to draw you in and spit you out. “Fine. You can have your hat back then.” Calista yanked the hat off her head and threw it at him. Then she spun around and stalked off, her hair frizzy and piled high on her head. “Sorry about that,” Cooper said when she was out of earshot. “So am I,” I took a step backward. “See ya around, Cooper.” “Wait.” He stopped me. “Are you upset with me?” “Boy, you sure are perceptive.” I let out a bitter laugh. His gaze slid over my shoulder, then back to my face. His eyebrows knit together in a pensive expression. “Let me get this straight. You’re mad because of how I treated Calista?”

I nodded. “But I’ve seen the way she treats you. It’s horrible.” “True, but that still doesn’t justify what you did. You used her, and you should be ashamed of yourself.” With a shake of my head, I pivoted on my heels and made my way across the field. I didn’t bother looking back as I headed toward the front of the school. When I reached it, I wondered why I hadn’t stayed here to begin with. Before Calista had walked up the connection to Cooper was so thick I could feel it, and it reminded me of when he was at my house. I didn’t normally feel that way with people, and a part of me wanted desperately to hold on to it. But I couldn’t ignore what he’d done to Calista. He may have seemed like a nice guy, but he was a charmer and a player. He hooked up with girls and dumped them like they were trash. And I couldn’t let him treat me like that. I wouldn’t be another girl to add to his list. In the short time I’d known Cooper, one thing had become painfully clear. If I fell for him, he’d break my heart, and I’d be powerless to stop it.

CHAPTER 12

Cooper It had been a shitty week. Baseball sucked, and girls confused the hell out of me. That’s how I found myself at a party on Friday night with Nate. He didn’t even have to beg me this time. I was game the second he sent the text. To say that he was surprised would be an understatement, especially since it was at Calista’s house. The parties often were at her house, because her parents were out of town so frequently and she had two college-aged brothers who could buy booze. Calista didn’t worry me. I was sure she’d moved on by now. She wasn’t one to sit around and lick her wounds. Lick some other guy’s face was more like it. All I wanted was one night where I didn’t have to overthink everything, where I didn’t have to worry. For some reason I couldn’t get London out of my thoughts. The look she gave me when she stormed off was permanently etched in my mind like a tattoo. She was impossible to decipher. I had helped her when she fell off her bike, practically nursed her ankle back to health, walked her to class and carried her backpack, even at the risk of ridicule. Then, to top it all off, I stuck up for her with Calista. And yet, she acted like I was the bad guy. Like I was the jerk. Maybe she should look in a freaking mirror. Normally when I went to parties I was the DD since I didn’t like to drink anyway. I hated not having complete control. But this week I wanted to lose control, to be numb. So Troy, our second baseman, drove us. No way would Nate offer to be DD. He had absolutely no self-control around alcohol. He was like a kid in a candy store when we were surrounded by booze. That was another reason I generally didn’t like to party with him. “You have to keep me away from the girls,” I told Nate on the way to the party. We sat in the backseat, Troy and Brandon were up front. “No way. I don’t want that responsibility. Now that you’re not tied to Calista, girls will be all over you,” Nate said. I bristled at his statement. “I was never tied to Calista.”

“That’s not what she told people.” “Damn it.” I ground my teeth. “This is exactly why I need to stay away from girls. I’m done with chicks, man.” “Dude, you better not be turning gay, because I’m so not into that shit.” I chuckled. “Don’t worry, you’re not my type.” Nate smiled. “Are you shitting me? I’m everyone’s type.” “You wish.” I glanced out the window as Troy turned the corner. We were on Calista’s street, nearing her house. Cars lined the curb. Subtle. “I’m sure no one knows Calista’s having a party,” I said sarcastically, my stomach tightening. All it would take was one neighbor calling the cops for my life to unravel. Maybe this was a bad idea. “Don’t sweat it.” Nate clamped a hand on my shoulder. “Everything’s going to be fine.” Famous last words. Still, I had no choice at this point, so when Troy cut the engine, I hopped out of the car. Cool air circled me, the scent of damp earth and grass wafting under my nose. The sound of music and chatter rose from the house and swelled around us. Nervous, I glanced at the quiet suburban street, at the row of two-story houses, yellow light shining from the windows. Troy and Brandon were already heading inside when Nate and I started walking up the stairs to the front porch. There were even more people here than last time. Calista sure knew how to draw a crowd, I’d give her that. I noticed a few college-aged guys scattered around. One of them I recognized as Calista’s brother, Rhett, and my chest tightened, wondering what she’d told him about me. But when he smiled and threw me a wave, my shoulders relaxed. “Beers are in the kitchen.” Brandon hopped in front of us, already holding a bottle in his hand. “Thanks, man.” Nate slapped him on the back before making a beeline for the kitchen. A few guys were pulling beers out of a cooler sitting on the tile floor. Nate grabbed two out, reached for the bottle opener on the counter and popped off the caps. Then he handed me one. When I folded my hand around the glass bottle it was cold, and liquid coated my palm. Leaning my back against the wall, I scoured the room. Girls holding red plastic cups stood around in clusters chatting and laughing. One of them peered over in my direction and smiled. Without thinking, I grinned back.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Nate tugged on my arm. Remembering our earlier conversation, I chuckled and allowed him to pull me into the living room. Not that it was much help. There were hot girls sprinkled all around this room too. A tanned blond caught my eye, throwing me a wink. “Shit, man, we haven’t even been here two minutes and already you’ve got them honing in on you. It’s like you’re wearing a target or something.” Zach’s eyes widened. “Or a tracking device. They can sense you coming.” I took a sip of my beer. The bitter taste slid over my tongue and down my throat. “You’re crazy.” A brunette wearing a shirt that barely covered her chest and shorts that stopped just under her ass swaggered over to us. But this time it wasn’t me she had her sights set on. “Hey,” she said, her eyes locking with Nate. “I’ve seen you around. Nate, right?” “That’s me. And what’s your name, beautiful?” She giggled, twirling her hair around her index finger. “Heather.” “Nice.” Nate nodded in appreciation, his gaze roving over Heather’s body. Then he leaned over and whispered, “Sorry, bro. You’re on your own.” I shoved him away, knowing this was inevitable. “Go. Have fun.” As if he really needed my permission. He barely even waited for me to finish my sentence before he was heading off with Heather. Taking another sip of my beer, I walked further into the living room searching for Brandon or Troy. My feet tapped on the hardwood floor and I passed large framed paintings hanging on the wall. I noticed a few other guys from the team were seated on a leather couch in front of a large window sipping beers and talking. One of them looked up in my direction. “Hey, Coop.” He nodded. “Hey, man,” I responded and stepped forward, intending to walk over to him. “Oh, look what the cat dragged in.” Calista’s voice stopped me. I turned around wearing a smile. “No cat. It was Nate who invited me.” By the hard expression on her face, I was guessing my little joke didn’t work on her. Instead, she pursed her lips, crossing her arms over her chest. “Did you bring her with you?”

“Who?” “That loser you can’t seem to stay away from.” I cringed at the word “loser.” Gritting my teeth, I said, “Her name’s London.” “Whatever.” She shrugged. “And no, she’s not with me.” Lifting the beer to my lips, I took a long swallow. In a minute I planned to search for something stronger. I wondered what was in the red cups. The blond that had been eyeing me earlier sauntered over, her lips stretching into a broad smile. “Hey, baby,” I drawled, more for Calista’s benefit than anything. Perhaps now she’d leave me the hell alone. “Oh, don’t bother with him,” Calista said. “You’re not his type. He likes girls who wear glasses and thrift store clothes, and walk around with their nose stuck in a book.” A confused look passed over the blond’s delicate features. “Ignore her,” I said to the blond. Calista glared at me. “Actually, it’s a good thing you didn’t bring nerdgirl here. She’d probably have no idea how to behave in a neighborhood like ours. It’s a little too rich for her blood, I think.” London’s words floated through my mind. You used her, and you should be ashamed. Calista had done nothing but treat London like shit, and yet London still defended her. She believed that Calista deserved respect. But she was wrong. Calista didn’t deserve it at all. London may have walked around like she was an ice queen, but inside her heart was warm and kind. The same couldn’t be said of Calista. “I think you’ve just proved that having money doesn’t make you classy,” I said to Calista. In response, she swallowed hard, her chest heaving with each labored breath. Taking a sip of my beer, I turned to the blond girl. “Don’t listen to her. She’s just jealous, and she has absolutely no clue what the hell she’s talking about. Wanna go somewhere more private?” Snaking my arm around the girl’s waist, I guided her into the adjoining room. She leaned into me, her hair sliding over my shoulder. It smelled like peaches. When we found an empty corner, I rested my back against the wall and grinned at the blond. Warning bells went off in my mind, remembering my plea to Nate about keeping me away from girls. The last thing I needed right now was another cling-on like Calista, or a puzzle I

couldn’t figure out like London. Pushing both of them from my mind, I winked at the pretty blond wearing an impossibly short jean skirt and skintight top that left nothing to the imagination. “So, what’s your name?” “Emma,” she said. “Nice to meet you, Emma. I’m--” “I know who you are, Cooper Montgomery,” she interrupted. “So, you’re a baseball fan?” She reached out her hands, splaying them on my chest. Her fingers danced over my muscles. “I’m a fan of yours. Does that count?” “Yeah. That definitely counts.” After taking the last swig of my beer, I set it down on a nearby table and took the blond girl in my arms. Maybe I didn’t need to get drunk tonight. Perhaps I could lose myself in Emma. And that would be it. I would make it clear that we were nothing more than a one-night thing. No giving her my hat, or number, or anything. After my internal pep-talk, I lowered my head, capturing her lips in mine. Her lip gloss tasted like cherries, and my heart picked up speed. Raking my hands up her back, I tangled my fingers in her long hair, pulling gently. A tiny sound of pleasure emitted from the back of Emma’s throat. Oh, yeah, she would be too easy. I slid my tongue into her mouth, swirling it inside. She reached under my shirt, and her hands felt good against my bare skin. She was eager, her lips moving swiftly, her hands exploring my chest. Maybe too eager. And it made me feel like shit. I’d made out with tons of girls, hooked up with a lot of them too. And I never felt guilty. I figured they wanted it as much as I did. But now I wasn’t so sure. Was a one-night thing really enough for them? It hadn’t been for Calista. She’d wanted more, and when I couldn’t give it to her, she’d turned into a royal pain in my ass. When I drew back, Emma’s eyes were half-lidded. She had that satisfied yet hungry look on her face. Lip gloss smeared her cheek, and her hair was messy. She slid her hands up to my shoulders and tugged me close, pressing her chest to mine. Biting her lip, she leaned into me, her face nearing mine again. An image of London standing in front of me chewing on her lower lip crashed into me with such

force, I pulled away from Emma. She raised one eyebrow, a silent question. I hooked up with girls all the time and never called them again, but in my mind there wasn’t anything wrong with that. All the guys did it. But now I couldn’t get London’s words out of my head. Was she right? Was I hurting these girls? God, I hated that her words had gotten to me like this. Why did I even care what she thought? When Emma’s lips covered mine again, I responded, my mouth moving in sync with hers. Why was I even thinking about London right now? I had an incredibly hot girl practically begging for it. What the hell was wrong with me? Calista’s voice reached my ears from across the room. I peeked out of one eye and saw her talking to a friend. But then she glanced in my direction. I saw the hurt in her eyes the second before she averted her gaze. Damn, I had treated her pretty crappy. She always wore this hard exterior, but she was a person underneath it all. I’d never been outright mean to a girl like that. What had made me do it? The words “loser” and “nerdgirl” floated through my mind. It was because she’d put down London. The anger I felt toward her wasn’t about me, it was about London. Detaching my lips from Emma’s, I took a deep breath, the revelation making me dizzy. What was it about London that brought out this hero side of me? And more importantly, why the hell couldn’t I get her off my mind?

CHAPTER 13

London On Monday the Gold Rush Gazette came out. It was always exciting for me when an edition of the paper circulated. I knew the rest of the school didn’t give a rat’s ass. The teachers passed them out in homeroom, and by second period I would find them littering the school hallways and trash bins. The faculty had been trying to talk Mr. Smith into making the editions paperless for the past couple of years. We’d fought them on it, and so far we’d won. But every time I saw the papers strewn around campus I knew we’d end up losing at some point. The thought of our paper only being available online worried me. I liked the feeling of the paper in my hands, I liked seeing Dad tack it to the fridge. But mostly, I knew that once it was online no one would ever read it. I suspected there were some students who read it for no other reason than that we passed it out and they were bored. But if they had to go on the website on their own time that would never happen. Before leaving homeroom, I picked up a couple extra copies to bring home. Pressing them to my chest, I stepped out of the classroom. I was no longer limping today. In fact, I’d ridden my bike this morning. My ankle still hurt a little, but nothing I couldn’t handle. The hallway was filled with students. Chatter and laughter encompassed me, the scent of deodorant, hairspray and perfume overwhelming. My skin crawled as I pushed past backpacks, elbows, and flailing arms. I was not fond of crowds. When I graduated sixth grade, Dad thought a trip to Disneyland would be a fun reward. And it should have been. Most kid love Disneyland. I mean, it’s the happiest place on earth, right? But for me, it wasn’t. I spent two grueling days fighting off panic attacks and fear. There was nowhere I could go to get away from the crowds of people. We actually had a three-day pass, but we left before the third day. And I was grateful. I wasn’t sure I’d survive it any longer. Even now when I thought about it, my pulse spiked, and breathing became difficult. A shoulder rammed into mine, my skin smarting. Reaching down, I rubbed my hand over it. But then I got slammed from the other side. What the hell? Losing my grip on the newspapers, I opened up my

fingers and they slid from my hands, fluttering to the floor, graceful like birds. They landed flat out, the article about Cooper staring up at me. His smile and bright eyes mocked me from where the picture lie on the scuffed linoleum. “Oops, sorry.” I recognized Calista’s voice immediately. “Here. Let me help you.” She bent over to pick up the papers off the ground. I stood frozen, surprised by her offer. When I glanced around the hallway I saw others looking on curiously. A funny feeling descended in the pit of my stomach. What was she up to? She wore a sweet smile when she stood, thrusting the papers toward me. Tentatively, I clamped my fingers around them. A hand touched my back, and I flinched. “Oh, so jumpy.” Calista said, her hand resting on my back. Wriggling, I moved away from her. A clicking sound caught my attention. “What was that?” I whipped around. A few of her friends stood just feet away, guilty expressions cloaking their faces. Calista giggled. Now I knew something was going on. Biting my lip, I gripped tightly to the newspaper, my gaze shifting around the hallway. Before walking away, Calista leaned in close and whispered in my ear, “It was a valiant effort, but you had to know you couldn’t keep a guy like Cooper interested in a girl like you for very long.” She winked. “He was at my house on Friday night, and from what I could see he wasn’t thinking about you at all.” My heart pounded in my chest when she stalked off with her friends, her laughter trailing behind her like a kite. Had Cooper really been with her on Friday night? It seemed so odd after the way he’d treated her on Thursday. Then again, it confirmed my suspicions about him. Hadn’t I pegged him as a charmer and a user? No matter how kind and genuine he acted, I had seen right through him. And it wasn’t like we were friends or anything. We talked a couple of times. That was it. Nothing more. Nothing less. And now that the article was out and my ankle was healed, we’d never have to talk again. Sadness swept over me at the thought, but I shook it away. Swallowing hard, I held my head high and took deliberate steps to class. By the time I reached it,

the ink from the paper had seeped into the moist skin of my palms. My nerves rattled when I walked into the classroom and found my seat. After peeling the papers from my hands, I set them on the desk, dropped my backpack on the floor and sat down. Black ink dotted my skin, so I wiped my palms on my jeans. Low giggles erupted behind me and then rolled through the room, like waves in the ocean. The sound would crescendo and then die down, only to peak again a second later. When I turned to see what was funny, all eyes were turned to me. Frantically, I glanced down at my clothes and hands. Had I gotten ink all over myself? But I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, just a couple black spots from where I wiped my hands. Uh-oh. Did I touch my face? The bell rang and Mrs. Henley stood from her desk. The giggling died down a little, but I could still hear it. It burned my ears and poisoned my thoughts. Reaching in my pocket, I tugged out my phone. After turning on the camera, I pressed the button so it would face me as if I was going to take a selfie, which I wasn’t. Definitely not. I had no idea how to take a decent one. Skyler had perfected the art of the selfie, able to capture shots of herself that looked like they belonged in a magazine. The few times I’d tried, I resembled Jabba the Hutt, complete with neck rolls and a double chin. It was strange because I didn’t even have those in real life. Go figure. But the camera did serve as a nice mirror when I needed one, which I did now. After inspecting my face, I surmised that I was not covered in ink. So what was everyone laughing about? Mrs. Henley picked up her paperback copy of The Great Gatsby and held it up. Ignoring the funny feeling in the pit of my stomach and the light giggling in the background, I fished in my backpack for my copy of the book. When my fingers lighted on it, I yanked it out. It was tattered on the edges, its pages crinkled from years of use. This wasn’t my first time reading the book. I was always several years ahead on our school reading lists. But I didn’t mind. I liked re-reading books. I found that it gave me a better understanding, and I always learned new things in each reading. Novels were like that. There was so much to a story, so many nuances in the pages, so many hidden treasures, and a reader missed them if they only read the book one time. “Nick Carraway, by his own admission, is an honest man. Do you think this is a correct assessment?” Mrs. Henley asked.

Glancing around, I waited for someone to raise their hand, but no one did. Mrs. Henley scoured the classroom, her gaze sweeping us. I slid lower in my chair when her eyes rested on me. It’s not that I didn’t have an answer, it’s that I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. Especially not today when everyone was already laughing at me. “London, what do you think?” Sitting up straighter, I took a deep breath and summoned up my courage. Lifting my chin, I said, “I don’t think so. He stands by and watches all the deception around him and does nothing to stop it. In fact, in some instances he’s an accomplice to the affairs and lies. I think standing idly by is just as bad as being the one doing the deceiving.” My gaze shifted around the room at my fellow students. People I’d gone to school with for years. Not all of them had teased me, not all of them had bullied me. However, none of them had stuck up for me or helped me. “Interesting assessment. Thank you, London,” Mrs. Henley said. “There are many rumors surrounding Jay Gatsby. The fact that he neither confirms nor denies them, do you think this is a form of deception as well?” Mrs. Henley called on a girl in the front row. “Yes,” the girl said. “Really? Even though he’s not the one spreading the rumors?” Mrs. Henley challenged her. The girl shifted in her seat, as if re-thinking her answer. But I knew the girl’s first answer was right. She shouldn’t waffle. Gatsby was deceptive in allowing people to believe the rumors. In fact, I think he liked it. He liked being illusive, a mystery. In some ways I understood that about him. Sometimes the hardest person in the world to be is yourself. After class, the giggling started back up again. This time it was in the hallway. People pointed and stared, chuckling. What the hell? Craning my neck, I tried to look at my back, but couldn’t see anything. My cheeks hot, I lowered my head and hurried down the hall. I needed to get into a bathroom and find out what was wrong. As I walked swiftly, not looking at anyone, I remembered Calista touching my back. Pulse racing, I reached with my arm and felt the area where Calista had her hand. Sure enough, my fingers

brushed over the edge of something sharp and thin. I tugged on it, and it came loose. A post-it note. Holding it between my fingers, I read the word scrawled in permanent marker. SLUT Very clever. Snorting, I crumpled it up and fisted it in my palm. Well, at least it was over now. I hoped everyone had a good laugh. Seething with anger, I stalked forward, my feet clicking on the slick floors. Snickering bounced around me like a beach ball being tossed at the beach. Reaching behind me, I grappled around my back looking for more post-its, but didn’t feel any. Why were people still laughing? “London.” My head snapped up at Cooper’s voice. “You okay?” Confused, I stared up at his worried expression. What did he know? He was at my house on Friday night. Calista’s words sparked in my mind. I stared at the yellow balled up paper in my hand. Slut. What an odd word to describe me. I was pretty sure in order to be a slut you’d have to do more than just read about sex. I’d never even kissed a boy, much less hooked up with one. So why would Calista think I was a slut? When I glanced back up at Cooper I saw Gatsby. I saw deception and lies. And I didn’t know what to think or who to believe anymore. I’d been bullied and picked on for years, but this felt different. It felt personal. And I knew that part of it was my fault. I’d allowed myself to feel something for Cooper that I shouldn’t have. “I have to go.” It was lunch period and usually I sat with Skyler in the quad. Pushing past him, I went in search of her. “London, wait.” Cooper’s hand clamped around my wrist. I stiffened. “Let go.” “Please. I want to talk to you.” “About what?” I knew I should walk away, but curiosity kept me from moving. “I don’t know how she got the pictures, but I never told her anything was going on between us.” His words confused me. “Of course, because there isn’t anything going on between us.” I wriggled out of his grasp, and he released me. “Wait. What pictures?” “You haven’t seen them?”

“No.” I shook my head, dread sinking into my gut. “Don’t you have Snap-It and Share-It?” I shook my head. “All I know is that Calista stuck this to my back earlier.” Unrolling my fingers, I exposed the crumpled post-it. Cooper plucked it out of my palm and opened it up. Darkness flickered in his eyes, and his mouth pressed into a tight line. With his free hand, he shoved his fingers into the pocket of his jeans and extracted his cell phone. After typing in a few keys, he held it up for me to see. My stomach plummeted as I took in the pictures posted on the Snap-It and Share-It site. One was of my back, the word slut taped to my shoulder. In the next one Cooper was walking me to class, holding my backpack, and in the other we were talking behind the bleachers. Only with the bleachers obscuring us, it appeared that we were doing more than talking. My stomach tightened. Below all the pictures the caption read: She acts like a good girl, but only Cooper knows how nasty she can be. Too bad she’s still hung up on him since he’s clearly moved on. Nerdgirl didn’t realize she was just another notch in his belt. The next picture was of Cooper and some girl kissing. She wore a tight shirt and tiny denim skirt. Her hands were up his shirt, and his fingers were tangled in her hair. I turned away, feeling sickened. Shoving the phone toward Cooper, I backed away from him. “I’m really sorry,” Cooper said, his eyes pleading with mine. Without responding, I spun around and raced down the hallway. I knew it was a mistake to trust Cooper. From the minute he pulled over to help me, I suspected it was all some sort of game. The only reason I fell for his smooth lines and kind smile was because I desperately wanted to believe that he was a good guy, and that maybe, just maybe, he genuinely liked me. But I guess I’d been wrong. I spent the rest of lunch period sitting alone on the floor in a back corner of the library, hidden behind a large bookshelf. The carpet was rough and smelled like feet. Still, it was better than being at the mercy of everyone out there. I’d never allowed them to see me crumble. I always stayed strong, but today I was worried I might lose it. And that was something I couldn’t let happen. A few minutes before the bell rang, Skyler’s head peeked around the corner. “There you are.” She let out a relieved sigh. “I’ve been looking everywhere.”

“Well, now you found me.” “Why didn’t you answer any of my texts?” She maneuvered around the bookshelf and plunked down on the ground beside me. Her long hair fell down her back in large curls. It smelled like hairspray and apple shampoo. “I was worried.” Guilt struck me. Skyler was a good friend, and I shouldn’t have ignored her. I dropped my head onto her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I guess I needed some time alone.” “Did it help?” “It helped me process things a little,” I said. “The one thing I do know for sure is that I’ll never trust another guy like Cooper again. No way will I ever be swayed by a guy just because he has dimples.” The corner of my lip tugged upward. I expected Skyler to laugh at this, but her face grew serious. “Didn’t you read my texts?” Shaking my head, I patted the front pocket of my backpack where my phone was safely nestled inside. “London, you should’ve seen Cooper at lunch. He told Calista off and made her delete the pictures.” My body heated up. “He did?” She nodded emphatically. “Yeah, he did.” Then she slumped back, sighing. “God, it was so romantic.” Rolling my eyes, I groaned. “Everything is romantic to you.” “True.” She sat up. “But this was honestly the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen. Like as romantic as when Edward saves Bella from being hit by a car.” “Weird comparison, but okay.” Skyler was obsessed with all things Twilight. I sometimes worried that she’d never be happy with any guy in real life because she compared them all to Edward. And let’s face it, no real boy could compare to a fictional vampire. But I knew this wasn’t at all like a scene from a romance novel. Cooper didn’t defend me because he was into me. But then why did he? I thought back to our discussion in English class, how I’d been thinking about how no one ever stood up for me. But now Cooper had, and I didn’t understand why.

CHAPTER 14

Cooper “Dude, come on, you’ve got this!” Nate hollered from third base. But he was wrong. I didn’t have it. For some reason I couldn’t get my shit together today. My mind was a jumbled mess. I couldn’t focus. But I needed to soon or Coach was going to pull me. Closing my eyes, I drew in a deep breath, pulling it in through my nose and exhaling with my mouth. When I opened them, I locked eyes with the batter. Okay, Cooper, you can do this. I got into position and brought the ball into my chest. When I released it I knew instantly that it wasn’t a good pitch. When the umpire called ball four, I groaned. I never walked guys. I struck them out. It’s what I was good at. And it’s what my team counted on. After two more walks, the batter dropped the bat and jogged over to first base making it bases loaded. While the next batter headed out of the dugout, Nate jogged over to me. “You all right, man?” I nodded, blowing out a ragged breath. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me today.” “Well, you better figure it out.” “I will,” I promised, even though I wasn’t sure if I could keep it. While he headed back to third, I faced the batter. I’m sure you’ll get it together in time for Monday’s game. When I saw you play, you were incredible. Shaking my head, I tried to get London’s words out of my head, but they played over and over like a song on replay. I needed to stop thinking about her and get my head in the game. But she kept floating into my mind. And she was loud. I couldn’t shut her off. It wasn’t just her words, it was her face too. I pictured her large caramel colored eyes, her shimmery lips. I didn’t know why she was taking over my thoughts like this. Remembering the angry expression she had after looking at those pictures Calista posted, my stomach clenched. If only she would’ve listened. If only I could’ve explained. I never meant

for any of that to happen. But it was clear she didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. Not that I blamed her. “C’,mon, Coop.” Nate’s voice yanked me back to the game. Never before had I had this much trouble concentrating. Frankly, it sucked. Attempting to quiet my racing thoughts, I honed in on the batter. He was a guy I’d struck out numerous times in the past, and I remembered his swing. Feeling confident, I threw the pitch. I felt better about this one than the others. The batter swung, and the ball flew past me. Whirling around, I watched where it landed. Good thing Brandon was in the outfield and caught it. Luckily, it wasn’t hit deep enough to score the runner from third. After he made a great throw to the cut-off man, I hopped up on the mound and my hope buoyed. But it quickly took a nosedive when the next batter hit a line drive over the second baseman’s head for a single. It didn’t get any better as the inning progressed. By the time it was over, I’d allowed two more runs, and now we were losing the game. Shoulders slumping in defeat, I trudged toward the dugout. When I glanced up at the stands, only a few parents were sitting on the guest side. I was relieved that my grandparents weren’t here to see this. Sometimes they came to our away games, but this one was a little too far for them. Besides, it was stinking hot out here. They were better off hanging out in the airconditioned house. I sure as hell wouldn’t be outside if I had a choice. Sweat slid out from under my hat and rolled down my face. Reaching up with my free hand, I wiped my skin. Not that it helped much. More sweat followed. “It’s okay.” Nate sidled up next to me. “We’ll get ‘em next inning.” “I’m sure Coach’ll pull me before that.” I was glad that Nate didn’t bother to argue with me. We both knew what would happen. Thomas was already in the bullpen warming up his arm. Damn it. “Wanna tell me what’s going on?” Nate asked. I shook my head. “Nothing. I just have a lot on my mind.” “This doesn’t have anything to do with what happened today? With Calista and the newspaper chick?

Irritation bubbled inside of me like the carbonation in a soda. “Her name is London.” Nate threw up his arms as if he was involved in a stick up. “Hey, I don’t know what’s going on with you and London, but for the sake of your baseball career, you better work it out.” I nodded, knowing he was right. If I had any hope of getting my head on straight, I needed to face this. After the game, I drove straight to her house. The sky was darkening, turning a deep blue, almost navy color. When I pulled up to the curb, my stomach knotted. I had a feeling she wasn’t going to be happy to see me. However, I didn’t have a choice. I had to talk to her, and it had to be now. Shutting off the engine, I threw off my seatbelt and stepped out of the car. It was cooling down, but it wasn’t exactly cold yet. Still, goosebumps rose on my arm. My hair was damp from sweat under my hat, my shirt a little moist. Shoving the keys in my pocket, I slammed my car door shut and walked up the driveway. I’d changed out of my cleats and into a pair of tennis shoes, but I hadn’t taken off my uniform yet. After rapping on the door, it took only a few seconds for it to pop open. London’s dad stood in the doorway, and I swallowed hard. “Hi Mr.---” Shit. What was London’s last name? “Miller,” I practically shouted when I finally recalled it. “Hi, Cooper.” He nodded his head. “You can call me Dexter.” Right. Dexter. He’d told me that. “Okay.” I glanced over his shoulder, but the family room was empty. “Um…is London home?” “Yeah. I’ll get her.” Dexter eyed me warily. “You want to come in?” I hesitated, unsure if London would want me inside her house. She wasn’t exactly my biggest fan right now. Remembering Emma’s statement on Saturday caused a fresh wave of shame to descend on me. “Um…no, it’s okay. I’ll wait here.” “Suit yourself.” He wore an amused expression as he turned around and walked away from me, leaving the front door open. Nervous, I shook my leg while I waited. Less than a minute later, London appeared in front of me.

She was wearing a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt, her hair down, her face scrubbed clean. She smelled like soap. “Hey,” I greeted her. “What are you doing here, Cooper?” I wasn’t expecting a warm welcome, but a little cordiality would have been nice. “I need to talk to you,” I said, and then wished I’d rehearsed something on the way over. Now that she was in front of me, I had no idea what I would say. London peered over her shoulder and then sighed. “Okay. We can talk out here.” Stepping outside, she closed the door behind her. Her toes were bare, her toenails painted pink. It seemed out of character for her, and it drew me to her in a weird way. Leaning against the house, she crossed her arms over her chest. But not before I noticed she wasn’t wearing a bra. First the bare feet and now this. I had to fight against the attraction I felt, and it confirmed what I already knew. I wanted this girl. And I wanted her bad. She cocked an eyebrow, waiting for me to speak. I cleared my throat. “I played like shit today.” “Thanks for the report. I’ll alert the media.” Her statement was sarcastic, but her tone was detached; bored. “It’s your fault,” I blurted out. Her eyes widened. “Wow. Way to kick me when I’m down.” “Sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m no good at words. That’s your thing. What I’m trying to say is…” I stared at her, attempting to formulate my next statement. London bit down on her lower lip, dragging it through her teeth. It was all too much. There was only one way to get this chick out of my head. I stepped forward, curved my palm around her neck and drew her lips toward mine. “Cooper.” She threw her hands up, creating a wall between our faces. “What are you doing?” Grunting, I moved away from her. “God, I’m totally screwing this up, aren’t I?” “Well, it’s not going great.”

I chuckled at her honest response. “You know, you’re the first girl to ever turn down a kiss from me.” “Maybe give me some warning next time.” I froze. “Is that your way of telling me to try again?” “Cooper.” She sighed with exasperation. “You’re not making any sense. What’s going on?” “I know, I know. I’m all over the place.” I shook my head. “It’s just that I’ve got all these thoughts swirling in my mind. I’m so confused. I-I.” Pausing, I locked eyes with London. Taking a deep breath, I focused in on what I wanted to say the same way I focus during a game. I was pretty sure if I didn’t dumb down the crazy a little bit, she’d head inside any minute. And I couldn’t let that happen. I was on a mission, and I wasn’t leaving until she heard me out. “I had nothing to do with those pictures. I need you to know that.” “I do.” “You do?” She nodded. “Yeah. Skyler told me how you confronted Calista about them.” Relief washed over me, then it was replaced by confusion. “Then why are you still mad at me?” “I’m not.” She shrugged. “I’m not anything at you.” Her words pierced my heart, and I suddenly knew how every girl I’d brushed off felt. And it sucked. I didn’t want to be nothing to London. When I stared into those amazing light eyes of hers, I knew why. It was because in her eyes I saw myself. I saw the sorrow that resided deep in my heart reflected back at me. London had been through the same kind of hell I’d been through, I was sure of it. And she’d survived. She’d clawed her way back to life. It was why she was so strong and determined. I’d seen it when she’d sprained her ankle, and when she’d fallen at school, and when Calista posted the pictures online. The other girls I’d been with could hardly survive a hangnail. But London was tough. “What can I do to be something to you?” I asked sincerely. She narrowed her eyes. “Are you drunk?” “No. I don’t drink at my games. Although, today it might have helped,” I joked. “Is this a dare?”

Stepping forward, I caught her eyes. “Of course not. I would never do that.” “C’mon, Cooper. I’m not an idiot. I know what kind of reputation you have. Hell, I saw the picture of you all over some blond girl just this past weekend. And don’t forget, I was an eye witness to the train wreck with Calista.” “I’m not gonna deny it. I’ve hooked up with a lot of girls. I never really thought it was a big deal until you called me on it last week. Now I feel pretty shitty about it.” I searched her face, but it was unreadable. I hoped my words were hitting their mark; that I was getting to her. “The thing is that I’ve never wanted a relationship. I don’t have time for one with baseball and school. Those are the things that are important to me.” “Then why hook up at all?” “Because I’m a guy.” I smiled, but she didn’t return it. “Well, I’m not like Calista or that girl from the picture. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a slut. I’m sorry if Calista’s little message on my back gave you the wrong impression.” “I know you’re not.” “Then why did you try to kiss me?” “I couldn’t help myself.” I reached for her, snatching up her hands. “You stir up these feelings inside of me that I don’t understand. That’s why I screwed up so bad at the game today, because I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” She yanked back her arms, her hands slipping from mine. “I-I-have to go.” “London,” I pleaded with her. She shook her head as she reached for the doorknob. I grabbed her around the waist, pressing my chest to her back. “Don’t go yet.” “Get off me or I’ll scream.” The terror in her voice was real. Too real. What the hell was wrong with me? I was acting like a desperate lunatic tonight. Shoving off of her, I felt like a dick. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you.” Her response was the door slamming in my face after she’d raced inside. That went well.

CHAPTER 15

London “London?” Dad entered the family room. “You okay?” I stood with my back against the door, my heart pounding in my chest. Unable to speak, I nodded. “What happened?” I wasn’t even sure. The whole exchange with Cooper had left me bewildered. His demeanor was nothing like the way he’d acted in our previous exchanges. I wasn’t ruling out recreational drug use at this point. “Speak, London.” Dad stepped into the room, narrowing his eyes. Wrinkles formed around them. “You’re scaring me.” It was then that I realized I was shaking. My hands quivered at my sides. “Nothing happened, Dad. I’m fine.” “You sure?” I nodded. Outside I heard the sound of Cooper’s car door opening and closing, followed by the car engine roaring to life. “What did he want?” Dad nodded toward the window. “I’m not sure.” Dad’s lips curved upward in a teasing way. “He looked a little smitten to me.” My chest tightened. “He’s not smitten. Also, no one uses the word ‘smitten’ anymore.” “Trust me. I know these things. I’m a guy too.” I shoved off the door still feeling a little unsteady on my feet. “Thanks for clarifying your gender with me.” He chuckled. “My daughter. Always the smart-alec.” I walked across the family room, suddenly very tired. “I think I’ve had enough excitement for one day. I’m gonna go to bed.” After giving Dad a kiss on the cheek, my eyes grazed over Mom’s picture. I

shivered. “What happened to your mom isn’t going to happen to you, London.” His words startled me. “I know.” “Do you?” He eyed me knowingly. “Cooper seems like a nice boy. Don’t push him away because of what happened in the past.” “I’m not,” I said before shuffling briskly down the hallway. When I reached my room, I slipped inside and closed the door firmly. But even in the quiet of my room, Dad’s words reached me, batting and clawing at me. Were they true? Was I pushing Cooper away because of Mom? It was easy to assume it was my distrust of Cooper that kept me from giving in to him tonight. But my memory of Mom had always held me captive. Her grip on me was stronger now than it ever had been when she was alive. And that fateful day had lived in my mind like a living, breathing thing. It had shaped me into the person I was today. Much of my decisions and behaviors stemmed from that one moment in time. Above anything else that had ever happened to me, it was that day that defined me. A song rang out in my quiet room, and I jumped, a squeal leaping from my throat. It took a minute to realize it was my phone. Racing to my dresser, I picked it up. Skyler’s picture lit up on the screen. “Hey, Skyler.” “What was Cooper doing at your house?” “Who needs an alarm system with you around?” I teased. “You’re a regular watchdog. If the neighbors ever come around wanting to start a neighborhood watch program, I’m sending them your way.” Skyler’s giggle floated through the line. I leaned my back against the dresser, the knob of the drawer poking into my back. “He looked hot in his baseball uniform,” she said, and I didn’t bother denying it. He had looked hot. “What did he want?” “To tell me that he played shitty, and it was my fault.” “What?” She sounded as shocked as I felt when he first said it. “Okay, start at the beginning. I want to hear the whole thing.” Weariness was hitting me hard, and my eyelids were lowering. I wanted to stay up all night and

chat with Skyler, but I was too tired. I’d been feeling this way a lot lately. Maybe I wasn’t getting enough sleep. I vowed to go right to sleep tonight, and not pick up my Kindle at all. “I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. I’m going to bed.” “But it’s only eight o’clock.” “Is it that early?” Shit. It felt like midnight. I yawned. “I haven’t been sleeping well.” “Okay.” She sighed heavily in the phone. “Fine, but I’ll give you a ride. I’m not waiting until lunch to hear about this.” “Deal.” Usually I protested when Skyler offered to give me a ride, but the truth was that the bike rides were getting more tedious with each passing day. This morning I even had to stop to catch my breath after riding up a hill. Man, I sounded like an old woman. I needed some serious sleep tonight so I could get my energy back. After hanging up with Skyler, I sank down onto my bed and stared out the window. The sky was dark, the crescent moon illuminating it with bright yellow light. My skin buzzed where Cooper had touched me. Reaching up, I ran my fingers along my lips, wondering what it would have felt like to have Cooper’s lips on mine. Would it have been so bad to let him kiss me? I’d never been kissed before, so I didn’t even know what I was missing. There are worse guys to have your first kiss with than Cooper Montgomery. From that first day I’d hiked out to the baseball field to interview Cooper I’d been attracted to him. Even though I’d tried to deny it, it was true. But he confused the hell out of me. I could never figure him out. You stir up these feelings inside of me that I don’t understand. Well, that made two of us. The insistent buzzing woke me. My eyelids fluttered open, and I reached out expecting to touch my alarm clock. But my fingers skimmed my bedspread. My body ached, my neck kinked. When I opened my eyes all the way, they felt sticky and dry. The alarm clock still blared, so I rolled over trying to locate it. Crawling forward on my bed, I swung my arm out. My palm connected with the button, and the noise

ceased. Glorious silence blanketed me. The room came into focus, and I blinked, confused. Oh shit. Had I forgotten to take out my contacts? Glancing down, I realized I was wearing the same clothes I had on last night. I must have fallen asleep right after my conversation with Skyler. Sure enough, my phone was exactly where I’d left it on my dresser. The battery was probably dead by now. Wow, I really must have been tired. At least I got a good night’s sleep. Now maybe I wouldn’t be so exhausted today. Although even as I thought it, I knew that I didn’t feel as rested as I should. Pushing myself up, my joints cracked. Yawning, I tossed my legs off the bed. My feet hit the carpet, the soft reeds brushing my heels. Standing, I moved toward my dresser. When my gaze found my reflection, I cringed. Lines from the bedspread ran over my flesh, and my hair was stuck to my head like it had been glued that way. A shower was unavoidable this morning. Heading across the hallway toward the bathroom, memories of last night crashed over me. A small smile drifted over my lips, and I knew I was in big trouble. Standing under the spray of the shower, I wondered if Cooper would even speak to me today after I’d pushed him away last night. A part of me hoped he’d ignore me. It would make all of this easier. I knew that I wouldn’t have enough willpower to turn him down a second time. No matter the consequences, if he came on to me again, I knew I’d take him up on his offer. By the time I finished getting ready, Dad was leaving for work. When I entered the kitchen to make my lunch, he glanced over at me with one eyebrow raised. “You look nice.” “You sound surprised.” “Not surprised, pumpkin. You always look beautiful.” My cheeks warmed at his words. Reaching into the cabinet, I dragged out the loaf of bread. “You just don’t normally dress like that.” After setting down the loaf of bread, I glanced down at the red top, skinny jeans, and silver sandals I had on. The sandals I had worn for my cousin’s wedding last summer, and the red top was one Skyler insisted I buy on our last trip to the mall. I had to cut the tag off of it this morning. Opening the fridge, I shrugged. “Just felt like wearing something a little different. Besides,

Skyler’s giving me a ride, so I don’t have to wear my tennis shoes.” “This wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain baseball player, would it?” Now my cheeks felt like they were on fire. With trembling hands, I pulled out the lunch meat and mayonnaise. “No, it wouldn’t.” “Okay. If you say so.” Dad grabbed his lunch off the counter. “Have a good day, pumpkin.” My hands full, I closed the fridge door with my hip. Then I dropped the contents on the counter. “You too.” After Dad left, I hurriedly finished making my lunch. Then I headed outside to meet Skyler. When I stepped onto my front porch, my breath hitched in my throat. Standing in my driveway leaning against his parked car, was Cooper. He wore a pair of jeans and a grey t-shirt that perfectly molded to his taut chest. Covering his blond hair was a navy blue baseball hat. It made his blue eyes stand out even more than usual. “What are you doing here?” “Is that how you’re always going to greet me?” He shoved off the car, and stepped forward. “Sorry. I wasn’t expecting you.” My gaze flitted next door. “Skyler was giving me a ride.” “Not anymore. She said it was cool if you rode with me.” “She did?” I caught sight of Skyler peeking out the window. She gave me a smile and a thumbs up sign. I almost laughed out loud. “Yeah. She came out a few minutes ago.” His gaze roved over my body. “You look hot.” I inhaled sharply. “Hot?” No one had ever said that to me before. “Yeah. Normally you look pretty. Today you look hot.” “Y-y-you normally think I look pretty?” My head was spinning, and for a minute I wondered if I was still asleep in my bed dreaming. None of this felt real. “Absolutely.” He nodded. “Why does that surprise you?” “I guess because no one has ever said it before.” I paused, remembering my conversation with my dad. “Well, except my dad.” “We’ve got to change that.” He smiled.

I swallowed back the emotion that rose in my throat. “I’m sorry about last night,” he said. “You are?” I frowned, wondering if I misread everything. He took another step until he was so close I could smell the toothpaste on his breath, the faint scent of deodorant, and soap on his skin. “Not sorry about what I said. I meant every word. But I’m sorry I came on so strong.” Slowly he lifted his arm, keeping his gaze trained on me as if gauging my reaction. I stayed calm, standing still like a statue. When his fingers swept across my chin, I didn’t flinch. “I didn’t mean to scare you, London. I never want to scare you.” The fear that inhabited my heart fought its way out, but I shoved it back down. Not today. Not now. I would listen to my dad, and listen to my heart. I wouldn’t allow what happened to Mom ruin this for me. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have pushed you away.” I started to lower my gaze, but his fingers gently forced my head back up. “Are you saying that if I try to kiss you again you won’t stop me this time?” My heart clattered in my chest, and my palms moistened. Was that I was saying? Dear god, I didn’t know. Panic must have registered on my face because Cooper cocked his head to the side. “London, you’ve never been kissed before, have you?” I shook my head. “Ah, now I really feel like a dick.” He withdrew his hand from my face. “Why?” Already, I missed his touch. “Because your first kiss should be amazing.” He smiled. “And I’m going to make sure it is.” “What makes you so sure it’s going to be with you?” I teased. “Oh, trust me. It’ll be with me.” At his confidence I couldn’t help but feel a little giddy. And when I got into his car, my mind spun with the possibilities. As much as I wanted him to kiss me now, I knew waiting was best. I had only come to terms with my feelings for him last night. I needed to give it time. I needed to be sure. Not only that, but I needed to know that he was sure. As we pulled into the school parking lot, I knew this would be the true

test. It was one thing for Cooper to think he had feelings for me when it was the two of us. Would he feel the same way at school in front of our peers and his friends? Would he feel that way when he compared me to the popular girls he normally dated? I wasn’t so sure, and my stomach rolled with doubt and worry. Reaching down, I picked up my backpack and hoisted it into my lap. “Hey.” His hand rested on my thigh. My pulse spiked. “Tell me why you don’t use your locker,” he said, his question surprising me. “Um…I just don’t like to.” “Why don’t you like to?” I shifted in the seat, noticing the time on his dashboard. “Crap. I have to get to class.” His grip on my thigh tightened. “Please tell me why.” “My locker is right next to Calista’s, and she sort of bothers me every time I try to use it. Sometimes she and her friends stand in front of my locker refusing to move, and I end up being late for class. Or she makes rude remarks about my clothes.” Feeling like an idiot, I bit my lip. I wouldn’t be stunned if he changed his mind about me at this point. I sounded like a whiny kid. “It’s no big deal. I find it’s easier to avoid the entire thing by carrying my books around.” His jaw tensed, his facial expression hardening. “And this is the girl you were defending to me?” And this is the girl you were hooking up with last week? Was what I wanted to say, but I held the words inside. But, as I thought them, I wondered if this was a mistake. I was so quick to jump in with both feet when he showed up at my house this morning. Normally I was so cautious, and maybe I needed to be that way now. By his own admission, he used girls. Was I just another girl to be used? I wasn’t sure I could handle that. “What class do you have for zero period?” His question broke into my internal thoughts. “Mr. Grant.” “Okay. I’ll meet you at Mr. Grant’s classroom before first period. Wait for me.” He squeezed my thigh. “I’ll walk you to your locker.”

My heart skipped a beat, my earlier misgivings falling away. It was like Cooper was my own personal savior.

CHAPTER 16

Cooper London was standing outside of Mr. Grant’s classroom, her gaze shifting around nervously as I approached. When her eyes met mine, the relief inside them was evident. It cut to my heart. Did she think I wouldn’t show? That I would flake on her? Was her opinion of me that low? A few students whisked past, one girl throwing a disgusted look London’s way. I caught the slight frown on London’s face, the tremor of her hands, and realization slammed into me. Her doubt had nothing to do with her opinion of me. It had to do with her opinion of herself. And that hurt me even more. In the short time that I’d known London, I’d grown to respect and admire her. It sickened me that she didn’t know how amazing she was. And it sickened me further to know that up until now I had contributed to her feeling this way. But no more. Things would change today. “Hey,” I stood next to her, offering her my arm. “Ready?” A look of awe passed over her features that made me want to grab her and kiss her right here. It took all my willpower not to. But I had promised her an amazing first kiss, and that wouldn’t be in the middle of a stinky high school hallway. With other girls I always felt they were drawn to my popularity, my looks, or my social status. With London I could tell she was drawn to me - just me. I think I saw it that first day at the baseball field, the way she looked at me with real interest. And that was something I wanted more of. She smiled, looping her arm in mine. “Sure.” Her hand felt good resting in the crook of my arm, her fingers fluttering over my skin. It caused desire to rise inside of me, and it was difficult to temper. Man, who knew London Miller could ever elicit these kinds of feelings in me. If someone had told me weeks ago that I would feel this way about her, I would’ve laughed my ass off. But now I wasn’t laughing. Not one bit. We rounded the corner, and London pointed out her locker to me. Calista was standing in front of it chatting with Chloe, Brooke, and Lauren. My stomach twisted when Calista’s gaze landed on London

and me. Her mouth gaped open, her eyes narrowing. Reaching out, she latched onto Lauren’s arm and whispered something. Pretty soon all four girls were staring at us. London’s face remained unreadable, her gaze fixed ahead. Pride swelled inside of me. Brooke was leaning against London’s locker when we reached it. London glanced up at me as if she was unsure of what to do. It irritated me that they had made her feel like she couldn’t use her own locker. And to think these were the people I’d hung out with for the past four years. What made us think we owned the whole freaking school? “Excuse me,” I said to Brooke, shooing her away with my hand. “Go lean against your own locker. This is London’s.” Brooke pursed her lips and glared at me, hard. But she moved. Slowly, but still. As London punched in her code with a shaky hand, I leaned against the locker next to hers, my body shielding her from Calista and her friends. After the door rattled open, London extracted several books from her backpack and set them inside. “What’s he doing with her?” Brooke’s voice sounded from over my shoulder. It was clear they were talking about London, and it was painfully obvious that they were talking loud enough for her to hear on purpose. God, could they be more transparent? Had I really thought those girls were sexy at some point? What had I been thinking? London winced, but continued arranging the books in her locker. “It was inevitable. He’s already gone through all of us. It makes sense that he’s moved on to the losers now,” Calista said. London bristled, her eyes bouncing to mine. I read the question in them and wished I could deny what Calista had said. But I couldn’t. As embarrassed as I was to admit it, I had fooled around with all four of the girls who’d been tormenting London at her locker. But I wouldn’t let them use it against London. And I wouldn’t let them put a wedge between us already. “Ignore them,” I said to London. She nodded, slamming her locker shut. After throwing her backpack over her shoulder, a small smile played on her lips. “Wow, it’s so light.”

“That’s how it should be.” I offered her my arm again. “Where to?” “You don’t have to walk me to class. I can get there on my own,” she said. “I know, but I want to.” She bit her lip, and I anxiously awaited her response, wondering if she was already changing her mind about giving me a chance. I wouldn’t blame her if she was. Finally she said, “Okay.” Then she snaked her arm through mine. “My next class is Mr. Carter’s.” I had him last year, and hated his class. “Man, it’s like they gave you all the hard-ass teachers.” She shrugged. “I can handle it.” “I bet you can.” I smiled. As we walked forward, I ignored the curious looks from the other students. Coming up on Mr. Carter’s classroom, I passed Nate. “Hey, Coop.” He fist bumped me. “What’s up?” His gaze slid past me to London, and then his brows raised. My chest tightened, waiting for the look of shock or disgust. But he did neither. Instead he nodded, flashing me a grin. “All right. Looks like you got your head on straight, man.” And that was why Nate was my best friend. He knew me like no other. “Yeah, I think I do.” “Cool. I’ll see ya later.” He nodded toward London. “You too, newspaper chick.” London raised her eyebrows. “He likes giving people nicknames,” I explained, my insides coiling. Why did he call her that to her face? It’s not like she knew what he was like, and she hadn’t exactly had the warmest welcome from our group. I was sure she was thinking the worst right now. “Well, not everyone,” he explained. “Just the cool people.” With a wink, he walked off. Gratitude swept over me. London stared at him wearing a stunned expression. I smiled, looking from her to Nate, feeling like I’d finally made wise choices when it came to those I’d allowed into my life. I’d spent so many years keeping people at a distance, but I didn’t want to do that anymore. I was ready to take a risk, even if it meant putting my heart on the line. When I stepped into the house after practice, Grandma was in the dining room setting plates on the

table. Our house had a great room floor plan, so the dining room was visible from the front door. I dropped my bag on the ground and walked across the room, stamping footprints over the newly vacuumed carpet. It smelled like roasted chicken, and faintly like vanilla. Following the sweet scent, a candle burned in the center of the dining table. “You look happy,” Grandma observed. “Practice must have went well.” “It did.” I kissed Grandma on the cheek. She set the last plate down with a soft thud. “I’m glad to hear it.” “I thought I heard you come in.” Grandpa stepped into the room. “How was practice today?” Grandma retreated back into the kitchen, and the sound of dishes clanging reached my ears. “Great.” I smiled, relieved to finally give him a good report. It had been brutal to tell him about the last couple of practices and games. “All my pitches were moving, and it felt like I was throwing it pretty hard.” “That’s my boy.” Grandpa slapped me good-naturedly on the back. “What changed, do you think?” I knew exactly what changed. By finally facing my feelings for London, I could concentrate. But I didn’t know how to say the words. Girls were not something I usually talked about with Grandpa. I shrugged, an involuntary smile sweeping across my face. “Just got my head on straight, I guess.” “Did someone help you get it on straight?” Grandpa gave me a knowing look. I scratched the back of my neck, sweat gathering under my nails. “Um…yeah, kind of.” “This someone wouldn’t happen to be a girl, would it?” Was it really that obvious? My lips tugged at the corners. “Maybe.” “I thought so.” Grandpa glanced toward the kitchen. “You were behaving the same way I did when I met your grandma.” As if on cue, Grandma entered the room carrying a large platter of chicken. She always cooked enough for a dinner party even though it was only the three of us. My dad had been one of four siblings, so Grandma was used to cooking for a large family. It was like she had no idea how to make less. I didn’t mind though. After a game or practice I could usually pack it away. And what I didn’t eat, I could snack on late at night or have for lunch the next day. Take it from me, no food was wasted around here.

“You never told me about this.” I leaned forward curiously “Oh, yeah,” Grandma interjected, placing the platter in the center of the table. “It’s a good thing your grandpa finally asked me out. If he hadn’t, he might have been benched for the remainder of the season.” “Really?” I asked. Grandpa nodded. “Once this woman got into my mind, I couldn’t get her out.” He held out his arm and Grandma walked right into it. Even after all these years they were so in love. My parents were like that too. It was one of the reasons I’d never searched it out. I knew what it was like to suffer loss, to have someone cruelly ripped from your life. To have your heart broken in such a way that it will never be put back together again. And I didn’t know if I’d survive a second time. But now as I watched Grandpa kiss Grandma’s head, watch him pull her close, watch her smile in response, I found myself wanting that. Wanting someone who loved me unconditionally. Wanting to kiss someone, to hold someone, to make love to someone and know that it wasn’t a one-time thing. To know that it meant something, that it mattered.

CHAPTER 17

London Warm wind feathered over my skin as I pedaled quickly around the corner. My tires spun with ease along the trail. Trees lined both sides of the path, their branches leaning down over me as if they were arms reaching out. I was grateful for the shade since the sun was already warm this morning. Cooper rode next to me, our tires in sync. I was pleased when he invited me on a bike ride today. Usually I spent my Saturdays curled up on the couch with a novel. For the first time in my life I had something else I’d rather do. I suppose I was realizing that living a romance was more exciting than reading about one. And no one was more surprised by this than me. Okay, well, maybe Dad. He was literally in shock when I told him my plans for the weekend. I mean, he knew about Cooper. Ever since the night Cooper randomly showed up at our house, I’d been open with Dad about the situation. But things were progressing pretty rapidly. Our relationship felt a lot like a bike ride, like when you reached a steep hill and glided down so fast you knew you should hit the brakes, but you didn’t want to because you enjoyed the rush of it. That’s how it was with Cooper and me. It was like we both got on that hill and neither of us wanted to press on the brakes or pull over to the side. He’d been driving me to school every day. Usually I had to ride home with Skyler, though, since Cooper had baseball. And he’d been walking me to my locker and classes. Lunchtime was the only awkward part. It was clear that I’d never fit in with his group. Nate was cool, but the rest of them stared at me as if I was one of those pictures where you pick out the thing that doesn’t belong. And Calista’s hatred of me seemed to be growing every day. A part of me felt nervous about how that would escalate. Cooper wasn’t going to be able to be with me all the time. He couldn’t protect me every second of everyday. And I’d witnessed how mean Calista could be. Therefore, I wasn’t putting anything past her. When the trail wound to the right, the lake came into view. It shimmered in the sunlight, its surface like glass. Ducks glided along the surface, their white feathers turning brown at the edges from the water.

Kayakers rowed past us in their brightly colored boats. Algae hugged the rocks that dotted the shore, water splashing against the sides. No matter how many times I saw the lake, it always took my breath away. “So beautiful,” I breathed. “Why don’t we stop here,” Cooper suggested. “Get a drink of water.” We hadn’t been riding very long, and the trail we were on was easy, mostly flat surfaces. Still, I was getting winded. Much more so than usual. I told myself it was Cooper’s proximity that was causing it. Nodding, I guided my bike toward the sand off to the right side of the trail. After stopping, I hopped off my bike and set it on its kickstand. Then I yanked off my helmet and set it down. Cooper did the same and then handed me my water bottle. I wrapped my hand around it noticing that my breathing was much more labored than Cooper’s. In fact, he didn’t appear to be fazed at all. It was probably from all that baseball playing. It made sense that he’d be in better shape than me. That’s what I got for dating a baseball player. “You all right?” He eyed me. God, did I really seem that out of shape? I made a mental note to work out more often. “Yeah, I’m fine.” “Okay.” He didn’t appear entirely convinced. “You just look a little pale.” “I do?” Reaching up, I touched my face. It was warm to the touch, and I did feel a little dizzy. Man, I really hoped I wasn’t getting sick. I sort of felt like I’d been fighting off an illness for awhile. Maybe I’d feel better if I drank something. After bringing the water bottle to my lips, I took a sip, savoring the cool liquid as it swam down my throat. I hadn’t realized how thirsty I was until now. Cooper took a swig from his water bottle too. “Better?” He asked when I lowered the bottle from my lips. “Yeah. I probably needed to hydrate.” I brought the water bottle to my mouth again, but this time I sucked in too large of a gulp and water dribbled down my chin. Before I could wipe it away, Cooper reached out and brushed the liquid off with his finger. I inhaled sharply. His gaze collided with mine, his hand curving around my face, his fingers slipping into

my hair. They massaged into my scalp, causing chills to skitter down my back. His face grew serious, his eyes darkening. In a lot of the romance novels I’d read, the author used the word ‘smolder,’ but I’d never understood that term. What did it mean when someone’s eyes smoldered? Did their irises resemble a fire, complete with red flames? I wasn’t sure. But now I knew what it looked like. And no, it wasn’t like flames. It was like desire, it was like need. He brought his other hand up to frame my face, but his eyes never left mine. I was frozen in place, a giant block of ice on the side of the bike trail. In the distance I could hear bike tires rolling along, the quacking of ducks, the splashing of water. But none of it registered. Not with Cooper’s hands on my face, with his eyes on mine. I knew where this was headed, and I didn’t want to mess it up. I wanted it to happen. Cooper had been waiting to make it amazing, but I had no doubt that any kiss would be amazing with Cooper. His face angled slightly, tilting. His top lip brushed mine. Softly. Slowly. It was so gentle I could almost mistake it for the breeze. My arms were still pinned at my sides, my right one gripping tightly to the water bottle. The condensation coated my palm, dripping from my fingers. I longed to reach out and touch Cooper, to hold him, to run my hands along his waist, but I didn’t have the courage to do it. I was so afraid to do something wrong that I stood completely still, waiting for him to guide me. He knew what he was doing. He’d kissed many girls. At that thought my stomach soured, and I almost pulled away. I wondered what I was doing here with a guy who used girls, who I had been calling a womanizer for years. But then his lips pressed down more firmly, and my head swirled. I didn’t care who else he’d kissed, who else he’d been with. With his mouth touching my lips and his hands tangled in my hair, I didn’t care about anything else. Nothing mattered except for this moment. For once in my life I wanted to throw caution to the wind, to embrace the present, not worrying at all about the past or the future. To not weigh every pro and con, but to simply live in the now. His lips were soft and moist as they moved deftly over mine. It was clear he was no novice. When his tongue skimmed my lips, I took his cue, carefully parting them. His tongue thrust inside, sliding over my tongue. I could no longer keep my arms down. I had to touch him. Dropping the water bottle into the sand, I lifted my arms to his waist. I slid them around his middle, clutching him tightly. His hands tunneled my hair, cupping the back of my head firmly as the kiss deepened in intensity. The kiss was languid as

Cooper took his time, making every caress, every movement matter. There were moments in the past week where I’d questioned Cooper’s feelings for me. Doubts crept in, making me wonder if I was being naïve to start falling for him. But in this moment those doubts flew away. In his kiss I felt his passion, and I knew it was real. When he drew back, I sucked in a breath, feeling dizzy. Cooper’s hands slid out of my hair and down my back. He glanced around guiltily. “Sorry. The side of the bike trail probably wasn’t the most romantic place for our first kiss.” His gaze lowered to my lips. “I couldn’t hold back anymore.” “It was perfect,” I said. He smiled. “It was perfect, wasn’t it?” I giggled, glad I didn’t mess it up too bad. “You know, I sort of feel like I’ve been lied to,” Cooper said, causing the smile to vanish from my face. What was he talking about? “There’s no way that was your first kiss.” “It was. I swear.” “Well, then you’re a natural.” “I wasn’t terrible at it?” “Terrible?” One side of his mouth curled upward. “Nope. Not at all. Try mind-blowing.” “Mind-blowing?” I shook my head. “Now you’re being crazy.” He tugged me forward. “Are you saying that it wasn’t mind-blowing for you? Because if not, I’ll take that as a challenge. I’ll show you mind-blowing.” “Oh, you will, huh?” His lips neared mine, and my heart picked up speed. “Yeah, I will.” A puff of hot air met my lips. His mouth claimed mine with even more intensity than the last time, while his hands raked up my back, his fingers trailing over my spine. I fisted the bottom of his shirt in between my fingers in an attempt to steady myself as his tongue forced open my lips and darted into my mouth. This kiss was rapid and more desperate. It felt like he was breathing life into me, but at the same time taking the oxygen he needed. This time when he pulled away his forehead dropped to mine. Both of our chests heaved, our breath coming out

ragged. “How about now?” He said between gulps of air. “Mind-blowing?” “Definitely,” I said, causing him to smile. A few minutes later we hopped back on our bikes and resumed our ride. Cooper had promised me lunch afterward, but I wasn’t that hungry. The truth was that I hadn’t been that hungry lately. I think I’d been too excited about Cooper to eat. Still, I’d join him for lunch. Anything to spend more time with him. We rounded a corner leaving the lake behind us and entering a tunnel of trees. They swayed overhead as if they were dancing to a song only they could hear. Sweat gathered on my forehead, and my heart hammered as I struggled to keep riding. Already I was winded again. God, I hadn’t realized how out of shape I was until today. I forced myself to keep riding, too embarrassed to tell Cooper. I’d bragged about my stellar bike riding abilities before we’d left for our ride today. I didn’t want to admit that I was actually so out of shape that an easy, flat bike trail was too much for me. Dread sank into my gut when I noticed we were approaching a hill. Fighting against the weariness, I pumped my legs harder, steeling myself for the incline. Cooper was ahead of me, and he rode up the hill with ease. I pedaled as hard as I could, but found myself struggling. My lungs felt like they were on fire, and breathing was so difficult it concerned me. When I got halfway up the hill, I couldn’t go any farther. What the hell was wrong with me? After slamming on the brakes, I guided my bike into the sand at the right of the trail, attempting to catch my breath. Leaning over, I clutched my knees and breathed deeply, in and out. “London?” Cooper raced over to me. After getting off his bike, he dropped it on the ground, and it landed with a loud clatter. Then he touched my back. “You okay?” “I must be coming down with something. I’ve been feeling off all week.” Peering up at him, I smiled wanly. “Probably should’ve told you that before you kissed me, huh?” “There are worse ways to get sick.” He shrugged. “Besides, it was worth it.” I smiled, but inside I was irritated. What a crappy time to get sick. “Can you make it to my car? We’re almost there. We parked around this corner.” Feeling like an idiot, I nodded. “I’ll walk my bike up the hill and then ride it the rest of the way.” “Okay. I’ll stay right beside you.” He grabbed his bike off the ground, and together we walked our

bikes up the hill. “Is your dad home?” I shook my head. “I think he’s at his friend’s house watching the game.” “Then I’ll come over and take care of you until your dad gets home.” “You don’t have to do that.” We reached the top of the hill, and I climbed back on my bike. “I want to.” He nudged me in the side before hopping up onto his bike seat. “Besides, you did promise to spend the day with me.” “That’s right. I did, didn’t I?” I pedaled slowly forward. Cooper stayed right next to me. Other bikers zipped past, their wheels whispering as they rode. A gentle breeze floated over my body. We didn’t have to ride very far before the trail ended. We turned the corner and rode across the parking lot to Cooper’s car. After loading our bikes on top, Cooper drove us back to my house. Dad was gone like I’d suspected, so Cooper stayed with me. He made me lie down on the couch, but the truth was that I was feeling a little better. Just kind of tired, but nothing like I’d felt on the trail. Sitting next to my legs, he reached over and placed his hand on my forehead. “What are you doing?” “Checking your temperature.” He lifted his hand. “You don’t feel warm. I mean, maybe a little sweaty from the ride, but not feverish.” “I’m impressed, Dr. Montgomery.” I teased. He chuckled. “What can I say? My grandma takes good care of me when I’m sick, so I learned from the best.” Cooper mentioned his grandparents a lot, but he never talked about his parents. I bit my lip, knowing I had to tread carefully with my next statement. “Your grandma, huh? Do your grandparents live with you or something?” “Actually, I live with them.” His gaze lowered, his hand finding mine. He ran his fingers over my flesh. “I have ever since my parents died.” I gasped. “I had no idea.” “It’s not something I like to talk about.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “Then let’s talk about something else. The bike ride was fun. Well, until I couldn’t get up that hill. That was crazy, right?” He squeezed my hand. “London, it’s all right. I don’t mind talking to you about it. I want you to know about me.” “Are you sure?” I bit my lip. He grinned. “You bite your lip when you’re nervous.” “Is that a bad thing?” “Nope. A good thing. A really good thing.” He stared into my eyes as if trying to read something inside of them. “I never noticed things like that about a girl before, but with you I notice things. I love learning new things about you. I want to know everything about you, London, and I want you to know about me.” His fingers threaded through mine. “Usually when a girl tries to pry into my personal life I shut down. I’m not going to do that with you.” Lifting our hands, he ran his lips across my knuckles. “I’ll always be open with you about everything. I promise.” “I bet you say that to all the girls.” I was only half teasing. This whole thing was surreal to me. In all my years of high school, no boy had been attracted to me. Now suddenly Cooper Montgomery was kissing me and making me promises. It seemed too good to be true. “Trust me, I don’t. I’ve never said these things to any other girl.” “Why me?” “You’re different from any girl I’ve ever met.” I snorted, having heard that before. “Hey, I meant that in a good way,” he clarified. “You make me feel things. Things I’ve never felt before.” “You too.” If he was going to bear his soul to me, I might as well do the same. He reached out with his free hand and brushed a stray hair from my face. “When I was ten my parents left for a trip to Hawaii for their anniversary. I was going to stay with my grandparents for the week that they were gone. But there was a problem with the plane, some malfunction with one of the wings.”

My stomach tightened as he spoke. I stroked his palm with my thumb, a silent encouragement. “The plane crashed, and they didn’t survive.” Sadness flickered in his eyes. “I’ve lived with my grandparents ever since.” “I’m so sorry,” I spoke softly. “I know how hard it is to lose someone you love.” “I know. It’s one of the reasons I feel so connected to you.”

CHAPTER 18

Cooper I didn’t regret telling her about my parents. In fact, I felt lighter since I’d shared it with her. Even though I normally avoided the subject at all costs, I meant what I said to London. I wanted her to know me. It was the first time in my life I desired to open up to anyone, let alone a girl. And I loved that she didn’t offer me platitudes. Instead, she responded with empathy and sincere sorrow for my loss. It confirmed my decision to share with her. She understood me like I knew she would. “Are you feeling any better?” I asked her. “A little.” “Hungry?” She shook her head. I was freaking starving. How could she not be hungry? If I didn’t like her so much I would hightail it out of here right now and head straight for the nearest fast food place. As if in reply to my thoughts, my stomach growled. London giggled, staring at my tummy. “I can make you something to eat.” “I’m supposed to be taking care of you, not the other way around.” “It’s no big deal.” London sat up. I gently pushed her back down. “No way. You’re supposed to be resting.” She rolled her eyes, but a hint of a smile played on her lips. “Well, if you won’t let me make you something, then go ahead and get something yourself. I won’t have you starving to death on my couch.” “Is it my death that worries you or the idea of it happening on your couch?” I teased. “Both,” she joked back, but I caught a glimpse of something disturbing in her eyes. A glimmer of pain and regret. “Okay. Point me in the right direction.” “Depends on what you feel like. There’s sandwich stuff in the fridge, and chips and fruit on the

counter.” “All right. That’ll work.” I headed into the kitchen and grabbed a handful of chips. It wouldn’t fill me up, but at least it would tide me over for a bit. Chips in hand, I returned to London, plunking down onto the couch next to her legs. It wasn’t the most comfortable place to sit since half my ass was hanging off the side, but I liked being close to her. It was like when I was a little boy and I used to sit next to my mom. I’d snuggled up so close I’d practically be in her lap. She used to tease me by pointing to the remainder of the couch, stating that there was tons of room. But what she didn’t realize was that I was precisely where I wanted to be. I took a bite of one of the greasy potato chips, and it snapped in between my teeth. “You sure you don’t want anything?” The gentleman in me hated eating in front of her like this. My grandma would never put up with this kind of behavior. “I’m fine. I actually feel better knowing that you won’t be starving to death anytime soon.” “I give you my solemn promise that I won’t. And if I do, I promise to move away from the couch.” She giggled, but a yawn escaped on the tail end of it. “God, I don’t know why I’m so tired.” “There is a bug going around school,” I reminded her. Smiling, she said, “Yeah, I know all about it. You know that the only reason I interviewed you for the paper was because Annabelle Garcia had the flu.” “Really?” I raised an eyebrow, unsure of how Annabelle having the flu would cause London to interview me. Also, who the hell was Annabelle? “She was supposed to do your article, but since she was gone John made me do it.” “Made you do it, huh?” I threw another chip into my mouth. “If Annabelle hadn’t been sick, you might be sitting in her living room right now.” “I highly doubt that.” She shrugged. “You never know.” But she was wrong. I did know. Whoever Annabelle was, she wouldn’t have had this effect on me. I was sure of that. As I popped another chip into my mouth, my gaze rested on the picture hanging above the couch. It stirred a sense of déjà vu, and I realized that Grandma had hung a similar one in the guest bathroom. She bought it because she said it reminded her of her trip to London.

London. Huh. “So what’s the deal with your name?” I asked. “You don’t like it?” “I love it. I just wondered what the significance of it was.” Pink spots rose on her cheeks. “Um…my parents took a trip there exactly nine months before I was born.” “Ah.” I nudged her. “Looks like you and I are taking a trip to London.” She giggled, then sobered up, flinching out of nowhere. Glancing down, she reached into her pocket. “Text,” she explained, yanking out her cell phone. She looked at the screen and then typed something with her thumbs. “That was Dad. He’s on his way back. So, you only have to babysit me for a few more minutes and then you’re off the hook.” Smiling, she shoved the phone back into her pocket. “Are you kidding? This is the best gig I’ve had in a long time. I wish I didn’t have pitching lessons tomorrow so I could come back here and do more of this.” I leaned forward, pressing my lips to hers. Her arms came around my neck, drawing me forward. My hands fumbled in her hair and slid down to her neck as my tongue teased her lips open. If I thought our first two kisses were mind-blowing, this one was even better. Before London was a little tentative, allowing me to lead. But this time she was bolder, sliding her tongue over mine and kissing me with fervor. Her hands skimmed over my neck, her fingers raking over my hair. When we separated, I blew out a breath. “Is that kiss your way of persuading me to cancel my lesson tomorrow?” She giggled, leaning her head back down against the cushions. “Nah. It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m going to be swamped with homework. I have a science project due on Monday, and I haven’t even started it.” Surprised, I cocked an eyebrow. “I never would’ve pegged you as a procrastinator.” “I’m not, but someone has kept me preoccupied this week.” I finished off the last chip, and rubbed my palms together in an effort to wipe away the grease. “I wouldn’t be too hard on that someone. You are pretty darn irresistible.” “Irresistible. Yeah, right.” She snorted, running a hand over her head. “Trust me, plenty of guys

have resisted me.” “Hey.” I placed my hand over hers. “Don’t do that. I don’t give out compliments lightly, so if I give you one, I mean it.” Her face grew serious, and she nodded. “I have something for you.” I stood up. “I’ll be right back.” Turning around, I hurried out the front door. After retrieving what I needed from the trunk of my car, I headed back inside. Then I held the hat out to London. When her smile faded, I realized what she must be thinking. “Okay, before you say anything, this was not the hat Calista was wearing. I’ve never let anyone wear this hat.” “What makes it so special?” She asked, sitting up and adjusting the pillow behind her back. “It was my first Tigers’ hat. The one they gave me when I made the JV team Freshman year. And I want you to wear it to my game on Monday.” A pensive look crossed her face. “How many girls have worn one of your hats to your games?” Her question cut to my heart. Damn Calista. I never should’ve let her wear my hat. If I hadn’t, then London would be first. And she should be first. “Only Calista, and that was a mistake.” “Why’d you let her have it then?” “I didn’t offer it to her. She sorta took it off my head and put it on. I should’ve taken it back, but I didn’t have the heart to, I guess.” London stared at me a minute as if trying to figure out if she should trust me. I held my breath, waiting for her to respond. “Okay,” she finally said. “I’ll wear it.” When her fingers closed around the bill, I exhaled with relief. I couldn’t wait to see her wearing it at my game on Monday. It was the best game I played all season. My pitches were moving, and I was throwing gas. My team was all on their game too, and we won by six runs. It was especially satisfying because we were playing a team that we’d lost to in prior years. If I had any question about my feelings for London, I didn’t now. Seeing her in the stands wearing my hat made my day. Hell, it made my whole year. And I knew she was the reason I played so well.

Knowing she was sitting in the bleachers cheering me on gave me the boost I needed. Normally when girls came to my games I found it kind of annoying. Sure, I liked the attention, but they always seemed to want something from me too. When I played baseball I gave all I had to the game, so I had nothing to give anyone else, let alone some chick I’d messed around with. If anything, their presence messed with my mind, and I had to work that much harder to focus. With London it was different. Having her here made it easier to concentrate on the game. Her presence was a silent encouragement. It was affirmation. Never before had I cared what a girl thought about me, and it was crazy how much I valued London’s opinion. Honestly, everything was crazy about my feelings for London. They had taken me by surprise from the very first moment. This whole thing was insane – the way it sprung up out of nowhere and took over. The intensity behind my feelings for her were something I’d never experienced. I knew I should have been scared, but I wasn’t. “Hey, man.” Nate slapped me on the back as we made our way over to the coach for our postgame huddle. “Great game.” “You too. That diving catch you made in the third inning was killer.” “Yeah, my arm is pretty scraped up, but it was worth it.” Nate rubbed his forearm, and I saw the redness resembling a rug burn. I chuckled, my gaze lifting to the bleachers. It looked like Grandma and Grandpa had already taken off, but London still sat in the same spot. She was bent over a device that looked like a tablet. It only took one second for me to realize it was probably her Kindle. My lips involuntarily twitched at the edges. That girl and her books. I’d never dated a bookworm before, and damn if I didn’t find it sexy. “You really like this one, huh?” Nate observed, his gaze following mine. I nodded. “Yeah, I really do.” “Huh.” My eyes snapped to his. “What?” “Nothing. I just never thought I’d see the day where Cooper Montgomery was whipped over some girl.” “I’m not whipped,” I said.

“You should probably inform your face then. You look like a puppy dog around her. It’s like she’s yanking you around on a leash, man.” He guffawed. I narrowed my eyes. “You better watch it,” I warned him, half joking, yet half serious. He threw up his hands. “Hey, I’m just calling it like I see it.” “Did I ask for your opinion?” Brandon jogged past. “Hey, great game, man.” “Thanks,” I said. “You too.” “I’m only looking out for you,” Nate lowered his voice as we neared Coach and the rest of the team. “Things are moving pretty fast with you and newspaper chick, and I don’t want to see you get hurt.” “Don’t worry about me, bro.” I peered over my shoulder, my gaze finding London. “I know what I’m doing.” After the postgame huddle, I hurried over to London. She powered off her Kindle and slid it into her purse when I approached. “Please tell me you weren’t reading during the game.” I climbed up several bleachers to meet her. She smiled. “Nope. Surprisingly enough, I actually enjoyed watching the game.” “Watching the game or watching me?” I teased as I sat down next to her. “Both,” she responded coyly. “You were incredible out there.” “Thanks.” I’d heard that from a lot of girls, but for some reason when the words came from her mouth it made my heart soar. Several of my teammates were leaving the dugout, bags slung over their shoulders. A couple of them glanced over curiously, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care what anyone thought about London and me. Leaning forward, I ducked under the bill of the hat she was wearing and captured her lips in mine. “I love seeing you in my hat.” She smiled, catching her bottom lip in her teeth. “You want to know why my hats mean so much to me?” I asked her. She nodded. I took my hat off and flipped it around. Then I pointed to the number on the back. “You asked me

once if there was a significance to this number, and I sorta lied to you.” “Sort of, huh?” She cocked an eyebrow, her caramel colored eyes sparkling under the sunlight. “Well, not sort of. I did lie to you.” I took a deep breath. No one but my grandparents knew this, but it was important for London to know. “My dad was a great baseball player. He almost made it into the major leagues, but then he was injured. He’s the reason I want to make it so bad; to make him proud, I guess. Even though I know that sounds silly since he’s not here.” I shook my head, feeling like an idiot. London’s hand found my leg. Her fingers caressed my skin through my pants, and I had to fight to keep my thoughts on the conversation at hand. “His number was eleven.” “That’s so sweet.” London smiled. “And for what it’s worth, I think your dad is already proud of you.” Yeah, she was a keeper.

CHAPTER 19

London Yawning, I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door. Once again I’d had trouble waking up even though I’d gone to sleep early last night. The truth was that I’d been too tired to read at night for the past week. Normally I read into the wee hours of the night and still got up in time for school in the morning. When I was a kid I used to hide under the covers with a flashlight, reading my latest book. Of course Dad would catch me every time and take away the flashlight. What he didn’t know was that I could sometimes still see the words by the faint glow of the moonlight. I’d hold the book up to my bedroom window, squinting, as I continued to read. Lately, though, I’d been exhausted. At first I thought it was because I wasn’t sleeping well. The nightmares had returned with a vengeance a few months ago. I wasn’t sure what triggered them all of the sudden. For months I’d been doing well, dreaming about my book characters. And then one day, bam, the nightmares about Mom were back. I didn’t tell Dad. The last thing I wanted to do was worry him. He had enough on his plate. Besides, I didn’t want to go back to see Garrett, my counselor. Not because I didn’t like him. He was a nice enough guy, I just hated being analyzed. And mostly, I didn’t like to talk about that day. But ever since my date with Cooper on the bike trail I’d been worried that I was getting sick. It had been almost a week, and I wasn’t feeling any better, or any worse for that matter. Every day I assumed something would change. Either I’d wake up with a spring in my step, or a frog in my throat. But neither had happened. I was still tired, still getting winded every time I attempted physical activity, but there’d been no cough, no fever, no throwing up. Honestly, it was a little disconcerting. What was wrong with me? Peeling off my pajamas, I discarded them on the floor and turned on the shower. It was hot, and steam rose from it circling my head and swirling up to the ceiling like plumes of smoke. Heat radiated off of it, warming my arm before I drew it back. When I did, a bruise caught my attention. It was on my

forearm, large and dark purple. How had I gotten that? My stomach twisted, remembering a similar one on my calf. I didn’t know how I’d gotten that one either. Swallowing hard, I dragged open the curtain and stepped inside the shower. As the water cascaded over my body, I savored the warmth of it. I picked up the bar of soap, holding it tightly to keep it from slipping from my palm. Then I ran it along my skin, over the mysterious bruise on my arm, and along my pale flesh. The soap lathered, causing bubbles to rise along my skin. Once I was clean, I rinsed my body and then turned off the faucet. When I opened the curtain, cold air hit my skin, and goosebumps appeared. I shivered as I stepped onto the bathmat and wrapped my body in a towel. After brushing my teeth and hair, I padded across the hall to my room and threw on a pair of jeans and a shirt. I was too tired to care what I wore, and I found myself dressing in an outfit I could only classify as BC (before Cooper). It wasn’t until Cooper admitted he liked me that I actually began to care about what I wore. I still wore jeans every day. No matter how much I liked a boy, I wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress or skirt. That so wasn’t my style. But I had been wearing more stylish tops, and when I got a ride with Cooper or Skyler I wore sandals instead of my ratty tennis shoes. Today, however, I was riding my bike, so I supposed the t-shirt I’d thrown on would match my tennis shoes anyway. Once I was dressed, I could hear Dad rummaging around in the kitchen. The scent of coffee reached my nose, and I inhaled. My eyelids lowered, my shoulders slumping. What I wouldn’t give to crawl into bed and go back to sleep. Just the thought of riding my bike all the way to school was enough to cause weariness to sink into my bones. I wondered if maybe coffee would help. I’d never drank it, but I knew it helped to perk Dad right up. He would walk around like a zombie until he’d had his first cup. Sometimes he even joked about how coffee transformed him from a grouchy monster to a cheery human being. (In case you weren’t already aware, my dad was pretty corny most of the time). I trudged down the hallway and entered the kitchen. The bright lighting caused me to wince as I made my way over to the counter where the coffee pot sat. “Good morning, pumpkin.” Dad was standing over the counter holding a cup of coffee in one hand and a breakfast bar in the other. “Hey,” I mumbled, reaching into the nearest cupboard. My fingers located a mug, and my hand

closed around it. “You okay?” Dad asked. “Fine. Just tired.” His shadow cast over me as he neared me. “You’ve been saying that for weeks. Are you sure you’re all right?” Reaching over, his palm covered my forehead. “Your temperature feels normal.” He stared at me as I set the cup down on the counter and reached for the coffee pot. “But you don’t look so good.” “Gee thanks,” I said, pouring some steaming hot coffee into my mug. “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just that you seem a little too pale or something.” “I’m fine.” After picking up my mug, I brought it to my lips and took a sip. It was bitter, and I cringed, wanting to spit it out. But the sink was too far, so I forced it down. “God, that is nasty. How do you drink that every morning?” Dad chuckled. “It’s an acquired taste.” Shaking my head, I put the cup down on the counter. “Why were you drinking it anyway? You’ve never wanted to drink it before.” “I told you. I’m tired. I was hoping it would wake me up.” Sighing, I leaned my side against the counter. “You’ve been sleeping a ton lately.” Dad’s eyes crinkled in concern. “You know what? I think I’m going to take the day off and get you in to the doctor.” “Dad,” I groaned. That’s why I never should’ve talked to Dad about this. He always went overboard. For years I’d been complaining to him about how overbearing he was. “You’re due for a checkup anyway.” “I’m fine, Dad. It’s probably just hormonal or something.” I was hoping the use of the word ‘hormonal’ would get him off my back. My dad was pretty cool about most things, the one exception being ‘women issues.’ I thought he would burst a capillary when I first had my period. He had no idea what to do. It would have been hilarious if I hadn’t been so freaked out too. But nothing was deterring Dad today. “Humor me, okay?”

“But I can’t miss school. I’ll get behind.” “You haven’t missed a day all year, and you have straight A’s. I’m sure you’ll be fine.” He gently grabbed my shoulders and rotated me around. “Go lie down, and I’ll call the doctor.” I wanted to protest again, but the idea of lying down was so tempting that I did as I was told. In minutes I fell into a deep sleep. I dreamt of blood, of Mom’s eyes wide and filled with terror. And of a dark-haired man with black eyes and a fake smile. A smile I never would’ve trusted. So why had she? Tossing and turning, I fisted the sheets in my hand. Even in my sleep I knew I was whimpering. The sound was faint, but I heard it off in the distance. Coiling the sheets around my fingers, I gripped so hard they cut off the circulation. “London? Dad pried the sheet from my hand when he woke me up. “Shh, it’s okay. It’s Dad. You’re all right. You’re safe.” It was the same thing he used to say when I was little and had nightmares. When my eyes popped open, I could see that all too familiar expression on his face. He knew. “How long have you been having them again?” Pressing my lips together, I stayed silent. “London, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” “Not long,” I said. “It’s no big deal.” Swinging my legs out from under the covers, I slid them off the bed. “Let’s get this doctor’s appointment over with so I can get on with my life.” “All right.” Dad stood, still appearing concerned. “I’ll let it go for now, but only because it’s time for your doctor’s appointment.” “One thing at a time,” I said, regurgitating a phrase Dad had used incessantly over the years. “One thing at a time.” He nodded, a small smile flickering. Cooper had texted me several times while I’d been napping. I shot off a text on the way to the doctor’s office to let him know what was going on. His response was one of concern, reminding me of Dad. I downplayed the entire thing, explaining that my dad was known for being overprotective. But the truth was that deep down I was a little worried too. I knew my body, and something was off. I’d been ignoring it for weeks, telling myself it was my overactive imagination and there was nothing to worry

about. But somewhere deep inside me I knew that wasn’t right. Dr. Jeffrey’s had been my pediatrician since we first moved to Folsom. He was an older gentlemen with bushy grey eyebrows and salt and pepper hair. He wore large black rimmed glasses, khaki pants, and a blue dress shirt, a stethoscope around his neck. His voice was soothing and, like when I was younger, I instantly relaxed as he examined me. He asked the usual questions: How long had I been feeling this way? Did I have any other symptoms? Had my diet changed? My physical activity? Was I taking drugs? Having sex? You know, the usual embarrassing questions doctors had to ask you when you were seventeen years old. Normally these questions didn’t faze me, but this time when he asked the sex question my stomach did this little flip. Sex was not something I thought about very often. And when I did, it always involved my current book boyfriend, not a living breathing human. And I was pretty sure sex with a fictional character wasn’t even possible. As real as they seemed to me, I was sane enough to know they weren’t actually real. But now I was dating Cooper, so my fantasies had suddenly traveled right out of the pages of my novels to a real live boy. And that both excited and terrified me at the same time. Still we hadn’t had sex yet, so I told him that. I was glad Dad had decided to stay in the waiting room. Even though I had nothing to hide, I knew the sex question would freak him out. As cool as he was being about Cooper, I knew he was a little uncomfortable with me seeing someone. “I’m going to send you to the lab for some blood tests, okay?” Dr. Jeffreys scrawled some words on a lab sheet and handed it to me. I couldn’t read what it said. Nodding, I dropped off the examination table, the bottom of my shoes hitting the linoleum. The paper quivered in between my fingers as I walked out of the room. When I got to the waiting room Dad

stood, setting the magazine he’d been reading on the chair he’d vacated. “What did he say?” “To go to the lab for some blood tests.” “That’s good, right? It means we’ll know for sure what’s going on.” He smiled. “Yeah.” Still, I couldn’t fight the nagging in the pit of my stomach as we made our way to the lab. After giving the receptionist my lab slip, I sat down next to Dad to wait. The room was full and I knew we’d be waiting awhile. While Dad picked up a magazine and started flipping through it, I yanked out my cell phone. There was a text from Skyler. Skyler: Where r u? I’m sitting alone at lunch. It sucks. Me: Sorry. I wasn’t feeling well so Dad made me go to the doctor. Skyler: What’s wrong? Me: Just tired. Skyler: Maybe you have mono. It’s all that kissing you’re doing. I giggled, and Dad glanced over at me. Smothering my phone with my hand I smiled innocently at him. He might have been okay with my relationship with Cooper, but I was sure he didn’t want to hear about us kissing. Skyler: It would be worth it though. I’d kiss Cooper even if I knew it would give me mono. Me: Don’t even think about it. Skyler: lol My phone rang in my palm, Cooper’s number filling the screen. I pressed the talk button and brought it to my ear. “Hey,” I said. A few people looked over curiously, and the receptionist gave me a dirty look. Dad raised his brow as if asking who it was. I covered the phone with my palm and stood. “It’s Cooper. I’ll step outside. Come get me if they call my name.” Dad nodded before returning to his magazine article.

“Sorry about that. I’m stepping outside.” The door dinged when I pressed it open. After stepping outside, I leaned against the large glass window on the building. “Do they know what’s wrong yet?” “Not yet. I’m in the lab waiting on a blood test, but I’m sure I’m fine,” I said. “Skyler thinks its mono.” “Mono?” “Yeah because it makes you tired,” I explained. “Ah, I see.” “Did you give me mono, Cooper?” “Why would you assume you got it from me?” he asked. I could hear noises in the background, chatter and laughter, the sounds of the high school cafeteria. I’d rather be there than here. “Because you get it from kissing,” I lowered my voice, my cheeks flushing as a couple walked past. But they didn’t even notice me. They were deep in conversation. “That’s herpes.” “You have herpes?” I joked, talking even lower than before and cupping my hand around my mouth so no one could hear. “I probably should have asked for your medical records before we started seeing each other.” “Ha, ha, very funny.” “Who’s joking? I’m dead serious.” “Glad to see you still have your sense of humor. You must not be that sick.” I could practically hear the relief in his voice. I pictured his dimpled smile and some of my earlier worry dissipated a bit. “Yeah. Like I said, I’m sure I’m fine.”

PART 2 AFTER

CHAPTER 20

London It’s funny how drastically life can change in an instant. One minute I was a seventeen-year-old high school student, trying to get good grades and dating a boy for the first time. Then in the next minute I was being diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndrome. Now instead of worrying about whether or not I’d get into a good college after high school, I was worried I wouldn’t live long enough to go to college. I knew something was wrong when Dr. Jeffreys called within twenty-four hours of my initial appointment asking me to come back in. Usually I would get a call saying all my blood tests returned normal. I figured if he wanted to discuss the results in person, then it couldn’t be good. But I had no idea he was going to send me to a clinic to have a bone marrow biopsy done. Honestly, I thought maybe he was going to tell me I had an infection. But never did the word ‘cancer’ register in my mind. Not until it fell from the doctor’s lips. Even so, I stayed strong during the biopsy and in the days that followed while I waited for the results. I kept positive, certain they would find nothing. Perhaps I was severely anemic. That’s what I kept telling myself. It’s how I got through the days when the phone didn’t ring, where no answers came. Now I sort of wished I could go back to not knowing. They say that knowledge is power, but I was questioning that theory now. Ignorance is bliss. Now that’s a phrase I could get behind. My mind flew back a few weeks ago to when Cooper was declaring his feelings for me. At the time I thought I had the world at my fingertips, that it was mine for the taking. I remembered the first time he walked me to my locker, how I had felt on top of the universe. Even when I was tired on our bike ride I wasn’t worried. Nothing could damper my excitement at having my first kiss amidst the trees and ducks, overlooking the lake. I had no inkling that my life was on the brink of changing in a horrific way. No way did I think my

tiredness was something this serious. At most it was an infection or a virus, I was sure of that. Kids my age didn’t get cancer; they didn’t die. We had our whole lives ahead of us. Isn’t that what we told ourselves? It’s like how we didn’t like to watch the news, why we turned our heads when we saw something too difficult to stomach. It was easier to believe it could never happen to us. Only now I knew. It could. Not only that, but it had. And now I had to face it. Cooper had been texting all day, but I didn’t text him back. I had no idea what to say. How could I tell the boy I just started dating that I had cancer? I was sure he’d dump me when I told him. Not that I would blame him. He was too young to deal with this kind of shit. Hell, I would walk away if I could. I’d turn my back on this damn disease and never think about it again. I’d run until my legs couldn’t carry me any longer. If only it were that easy. If only I could outrun this. But I knew it wasn’t that simple. I could see it on Dad’s face, could read the defeat in his eyes. And it pained me. It killed me to see him so consumed with worry. He put up a good front, but I knew him too well. It had been the two of us for years. We’d been alone since I was five, and I could read him like a book. Right now the terror he felt was written across his face, it was scrawled in his eyes, painted in the lines of his flesh. Not that I needed the confirmation. I had heard the bleak prognosis with my own two ears. The odds were stacked against me. The doctor assured me we could fight, but it wasn’t a fight I was sure to win. If anything, winning would be kind of a miracle. And I’d never been one to believe in miracles. Stretching my legs out on my bed, I stared down at my phone as it buzzed. Now Cooper was calling. My stomach tightened, and I reached over and shut it off. I exhaled with relief when silence blanketed me. It’s not like I could avoid him forever, but I needed a little more time. Time to gather my thoughts. Time to decide what to say and when. I thought about not telling him at all, but I knew that was impossible. First off, I had to start chemo soon, and I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to hide the fact that I was losing my hair. Also, Dad wanted me to be home schooled the remainder of the year. As much

as I hated high school, I felt like dropping out at this point was like admitting defeat. “London?” Dad knocked on my bedroom door. My head snapped up. “Yeah?” “Can I come in?” “Yeah.” The door opened a crack, Dad’s head poking in. He looked tired, scared. Emotion rose in my throat, lodging in my tonsils and making it difficult to breathe. “Cooper’s here.” It felt like someone slammed into my chest. Like Cooper threw a pitch and it knocked me right in the heart. “I don’t know if I’m ready,” I breathed, moisture gathering in my eyes. Dad stepped into the room, running a hand over his head. “Honey, he’s worried. I think you need to talk to him.” “I don’t know how to say this, Dad.” My lips quivered. “I’m not even sure I’ve processed it yet.” “Oh, pumpkin.” Dad sat next to me on my bed, sadness swimming in his eyes. He placed his hand over mine. “I know this is hard, but you’re a fighter. You always have been.” Squeezing my hand, I could feel the desperation flowing through his fingers. “We’re going to get through this.” I nodded, gathering up his words and wrapping them around me like a thick blanket. “Cooper’s been good for you,” Dad continued. “You’ve been more alive since you started seeing him. Maybe he’s what you need right now.” “I doubt he’ll want to stay with me after he knows,” I said. “Perhaps he’ll surprise you.” He winked. I sighed, knowing Dad wasn’t going to let me off the hook. “All right. I’ll talk to him.” “Good girl.” He released my hand and stood. “I’ll send him back.” When Dad left, I scurried off my bed and raced over to the mirror above my dresser. I yanked a Kleenex out of the floral box sitting on top. Then I wiped away the traces of tears off my face. There was no way to erase the puffiness under my eyes or the redness on my nose, though. Hearing footsteps in the hallway, I swiped on some lip gloss and swiftly ran a brush through my tangled hair. Glancing in the mirror, I cringed. It wasn’t much better, but it was the best I could do.

“Hey.” Cooper stood in the doorway, hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans. He wore a navy shirt and a ball cap to match. Once again I was struck with how gorgeous his eyes were. For a moment I contemplated not telling him yet. Maybe I could put it off another day or two. Perhaps we could just make out tonight. That sounded so much more appealing. But I knew I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t string this along any further. It wouldn’t be good for either of us. “Hey.” I rested my elbow on the dresser in an effort to act nonchalant. But it slipped off, and I almost fell over. “Whoa.” Cooper stepped into the room and reached out to steady me with his hand. “Be careful there, Grace,” he teased. I giggled, the sound scratchy in my raw throat. But it felt good. After crying for the past several hours, a laugh felt incredible, freeing in some way. It loosened up some of the tightness in my chest. His eyes met mine. “You gonna tell me why you’re avoiding my calls?” Way to get right to the point. I bit my lip, and he circled my wrist with his fingers, tugging me forward. “Talk to me, London. I can handle whatever you’re gonna say.” There was nothing but sincerity in his eyes, and I wanted to believe that what he said was true. “I have cancer,” I blurted out, knowing if I didn’t say it quickly I’d never say it at all. Knowing that if he kept touching me and staring at me with those bright blue eyes, I’d lose my nerve. His head reeled back as if I slapped him, his fingers slipping from my wrist. He looked horrified, his mouth agape, his eyes as wide as baseballs. My stomach twisted. I knew he’d react like this, but it still hurt. He was staring at me as if I had leprosy or something. I was fairly certain he’d never touch me again, and already I missed it. Missed his hands on me, his lips covering mine. Anger burned through me at this horrible disease. Why me? Why now? I’d already had a lifetime of disappointments, and when things finally started looking up for me this had to happen? I swear, when I get to heaven God and me are going to have a real serious talk. “Cancer?” His words came out in a squeak, so unlike how he normally sounded.

I nodded. “Myelodysplastic Syndrome, actually.” The look on his face told me that meant nothing to him, which I totally understood. I’d never heard of it before either. “It means that my bone marrow isn’t functioning the way it should, and my body isn’t making enough normal blood cells.” “But it’s treatable?” I nodded. “That’s good, right?” “Yeah, it is,” I said softly, not bothering to go into what the treatments were. To Cooper’s credit, it didn’t take long for him to smooth out his facial features. He took a deep breath, his gaze resting on my face. Reaching out, he touched my chin, his fingers sweeping over my flesh. This was it. The moment when he would end it. Since he was a nice guy, he’d do it in a tender way, no doubt. I swallowed hard, steeling myself for it. “So what you’re telling me is that it isn’t my fault? I didn’t give you some awful disease by kissing you?” He grinned. I jerked my head up, shocked at his flippant words. Anger sparked for an instant before I realized what he was doing. He was making this normal, and in doing so he stole a piece of my heart. Reaching for me, he grabbed both my hands. “So if I didn’t give you mono or herpes, then would you please tell me why you’re not answering my phone calls?” “I thought…” my words trailed off, scared to say what I was thinking. It’s not like I was out of the woods yet. He might still break it off with me. One joke didn’t mean he was in this for the long haul. And seriously, how selfish would I have to be to want him to stay with me now? He was eighteen. This should have been the best time of his life. And the next few months were going to be tough. Did I really want to drag him into that? “You thought what?” He drew me forward, his brow furrowing. “Nothing.” I shook my head, lowering my gaze. Releasing one of my hands, he tucked his finger under my chin and pushed gently upward until I faced him. “Don’t shut me out, London. Please. I want to help you.” “You do?”

“Yes, I do.” Leaning forward, he kissed me gently on the lips. “Baby, I know this must be so hard for you, and I’m not going to stand here and tell you everything will be okay. People did that when my parents died, and it used to piss me off so bad. I won’t ever offer you platitudes or empty words. But I’ll be here for you. I’ll hold you when you want to cry. I’ll go with you to the doctor. Whatever you need.” It wasn’t at all what I expected. We had only been dating a couple of weeks. There was no reason he should feel tied to me in any way. Staring into his eyes, I felt a mixture of gratitude and confusion. “Why would you do that for me?” I had to know. There was that dimpled smile again. God, it was cute. “What kind of boyfriend would I be if I abandoned you when you needed me most?” “B-boyfriend?” The air left me, and I swayed a little to the side. Cooper circled his arms around my waist. “Yeah. That’s what it’s called, you know? When you’re seeing someone and you really like them and you don’t want them seeing anyone else. You’re not seeing anyone else, are you, London?” I shook my head. “Do you want to see someone else?” Again, I shook my head. He lifted his hand, his fingers skimming my cheek. “Then I think that makes you my girlfriend.” Girlfriend. I caught the word in my hands and hid it in my heart. No one had ever wanted to be my boyfriend before. And I never thought when someone did it would be Cooper Montgomery. God, this was crazy. For a moment I forgot about the cancer, the bleak diagnosis, and the treatments. All I thought about was Cooper’s words; about being his girlfriend. About the fact that he wanted to be with me, and only me. And despite everything, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

CHAPTER 21

Cooper I may have acted strong in front of London, but I didn’t feel strong. Not one bit. When she told me she had cancer it was like someone had sucker punched me in the gut. I wanted to double over, to clutch my stomach, to hurl. But I couldn’t do that. Not when she appeared so unsure, so small and frightened. She thought I’d bolt. I could see it in her eyes. The truth was that I sort of wanted to. When the word ‘cancer’ slipped out of those cute little heart-shaped lips of hers, I wanted to turn around and run. Run with everything I had, and never look back. I mean, it wasn’t like I’d been dating London that long. I had no obligation to her. This was precisely the reason I never allowed myself to get close to anyone. I was scared of losing another person I cared about. Scared of having my heart ripped from my chest a second time. How many times could your heart be broken before it didn’t work anymore? Before it was permanently destroyed? But when I looked into London’s eyes, I knew that walking away wasn’t an option. We may have only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, but I liked her a lot. And she needed me. What kind of an asshole walked away from someone like that? It was the same way I’d felt when she was lying on the side of the road wrapped around her bike. But this was worse. So much worse. And that made my decision even more crucial. However, it didn’t make it any easier. When I left London’s house, a huge weight descended on my shoulders. I could hardly walk under the massive weight of it. My knees buckled, my shoulders tensed. I drove home with my teeth clenched, my hands white-knuckling the steering wheel. Even my music wasn’t settling my nerves. Not that I was surprised. There was only one remedy for me tonight. When I got home, my grandparents were on the couch watching TV. The canned laughter annoyed me as I hurried past the family room. After mumbling a hello, I told them I would be out in the backyard practicing. They didn’t act as if it was anything out of the ordinary, and I suppose it wasn’t. Even though it

was late, I had been known to practice even later. Storming outside, I headed toward my pitching net. After slipping my hand into my glove, I palmed a ball. Releasing all my pent-up anger and frustration, I threw it into the net. Again and again I threw balls into the net. The knot in my chest loosened a little bit, but it was still there. So that’s when I started yelling. A stream of expletives escaped from my mouth with each throw. My throat became raw, and my arm ached, but I kept throwing, and I kept yelling. I prayed that maybe when I was done I could leave this behind me. That I could be the strong guy London needed me to be. “Cooper!” Grandpa’s voice was like a clap of thunder from behind me. I flinched. Dropping my arm, I sighed. “What’s going on, son?” His shadow cast over my shoulder. Turning around, I took a deep breath. I had planned to lie, to say something about how I needed to practice. But when I looked into his eyes, it was like a well burst inside of me. I’d been spilling my guts to Grandpa for years, and I found myself sharing everything. He didn’t judge me or lie to me. He simply placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “I’m sorry, Cooper.” “It’s not fair.” My earlier bravado withered, my body folding in on itself like an accordion. “No, it’s not,” Grandpa agreed. “It’s awful that London is going through this. That both of you are. If either of you need anything, you know your grandma and I are here. We’ll do whatever it takes to help.” “Thanks,” I told him. “She’s lucky to have you.” Grandpa squeezed my shoulder. “I’m proud of you, son.” And, in that moment, I knew I’d get through this. I knew I’d be okay. It was the first time London was meeting my grandparents, and she was nervous as hell. Frankly, I thought it was cute. I knew she had nothing to worry about. My grandparents already loved her and they hadn’t even met her yet. But I’d talked about her nonstop for the past few weeks, so they knew all about her. Plus, they said that I’d changed since we got together. Said I’d softened or some shit like that. I wasn’t sure why that was a good thing. It sounded suspiciously like what Nate had said about me being

whipped. “Do I look okay?” London shifted in the passenger seat of my car, tugging down on the bottom of her blue top. Reaching over, I placed my hand on her thigh. “I already told you that you look gorgeous.” A broad smile swept her face, and it melted my heart. I’d do pretty much anything to see my girl smile. Okay, so maybe Nate was right. “I never told you this, but I sort of almost fell on your grandma at the first game of yours I went to.” Embarrassment colored her words. “Yeah, I know. I saw.” “You did?” I winked. “You were distracting me even back then.” She chuckled. “But don’t worry. Grandma doesn’t care. I told her that was you and all she said was that she thought you were pretty,” I told her. “And she was right.” London nodded, clearly appeased. We rode in silence for a few minutes, the radio playing lightly in the background. “Do they know?” Her voice was barely above a whisper, and difficult to hear over the music, my tires rumbling, and the soft hum of the air conditioner. But I did hear it, and I knew exactly what she was asking. It twisted my stomach. The familiar anger that had plagued me since the first moment I found out about her illness rose inside of me. But I swallowed it down. I gripped the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles turned white. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t lose it in front of London, and I planned to keep that promise. She spent so much of her time trying to make this okay for everyone. She worried about her dad all of the time. Hell, she even worried about Skyler. I wouldn’t have her worrying about me too. “Yeah, baby.” I squeezed her thigh gently. Already she was losing weight. Chemo wasn’t starting for two more days, yet I feared she was already wasting away. It was part of the reason I insisted she come over for dinner. If anyone could fatten

her up, it was Grandma. “They know.” She nodded. “I guess it makes sense that you would tell them.” “Did you not want me to?” I never thought about getting her permission before telling my grandparents. “No, it’s fine.” Her face turned, and she stared out the window. “What’s wrong?” She clasped and unclasped her hands in her lap. I’d always liked her hands. They were small and fragile, her fingers long and slender. But right now they looked too small. Everything about her seemed too small. How could someone so tiny fight such a huge disease? Fear clamped down like a vice, pressing on my chest. “I don’t want to be defined by this disease. I want to be London again. Not London, the girl with cancer.” She choked on the words. “I don’t want cancer to change who I am.” After flicking on the blinker, I turned the corner and my house came into view. “It doesn’t. You’re still the same girl you were before.” Pulling up in front of my house, I parked along the curb. After cutting the engine, I turned to face London. Snatching up her hand, I took it in mine. “You’re London Miller. You love to read books and make up stories. You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, and your smile lights up your face. You’re serious and quiet, yet incredibly loyal to those you love. You bite your lip when you’re nervous, and it’s sexy as hell. You’re one hell of a kisser, and, best of all, you’re my girlfriend.” I winked. “Cancer can’t take any of that away.” Tears glistened in her eyes. “You know what I think?” “What?” “I think that you’re my savior.” “I’m not really a religious guy, but I’ve been to church before, and I’m pretty sure that’s Jesus, babe.” “Not the savior of the world.” She giggled. “I meant that you’re my savior. You’ve been saving me from day one when you fought off the mean locker monsters.” I chuckled. “Never heard anyone describe Calista and her friends as monsters, but I’m diggin’ it.”

“And now you’re still saving me.” She blinked back the moisture in her eyes. “I don’t know how I’d get through this without you. You’re the only person that makes this bearable.” “Just bearable, huh? Then I’m not doing my job.” I curved my hand around the back of her head and drew her lips to mine. Clamping my lips over hers, I kissed her firmly. Our lips brushed together, connecting and disconnecting with each subtle movement. The friction caused heat and passion, an incredible feeling unlike anything I’ve experienced. We were connected, London and I, fitting together like puzzle pieces. Our lips attaching as if they were made for the other. Her mouth was warm, her lips moist and soft. My tongue licked out, forcing her lips open. Clutching tightly to the back of her head, I massaged my fingers in her hair, and the silky strands tumbled over my hand. With my other hand I clutched her waist, my fingers slipping under her shirt and touching the bare skin of her stomach. As the kiss deepened, a small moan sounded in the back of her throat and her hands swept up my back. “It should be more than bearable,” I said when we separated. “It should be mind-blowing.” “With you, it’s always mind-blowing,” she responded earnestly. I rewarded her by capturing her lips with mine one last time before we got out of the car. As we walked up to the house, London glided on some lip gloss and smoothed out her unruly hair with her fingers. Before going inside, I reached over and helped to pat down a few of the tangled strands. It was my fault her hair was so messy, after all. Not that I would change a thing. Kissing London was pretty much my favorite pastime. In the past, kissing was a precursor for what would happen next. It was more of an appetizer before the big meal. But with London, kissing was the main course. It was savory and satisfying, and exactly what I wanted. Just like her. Wrapping an arm around her waist, I tugged her to me. She fit perfectly against my side, and it reminded me of how I’d curl up with my mom as a kid. A pang of sadness struck me, piercing my heart. My mom was the first woman I’d ever loved, and I’d lost her. It was why I’d distanced myself from real relationships. It’s why I guarded my heart. Losing my parents was too hard. The hole their death left in my heart still hadn’t healed. I wasn’t sure if I could survive it again. And yet, I had thrown caution to the wind when I started seeing London. Now she was sick. It didn’t seem fair. And it made me wonder why I was still pursuing this relationship when I knew it could leave me heartbroken.

London’s fingers curled around the bottom of my shirt and she held tightly, clinging to me. Glancing over at her, she wore an anxious smile, and I knew why I wouldn’t walk away from her. She needed me. And more than that, I needed her. I’d connected with her more than I’d ever connected with anyone else. Even if what we had didn’t last forever, I knew I’d never regret the time I spent with her. Smiling back at London, I turned the knob and we stepped inside the house. It smelled like garlic and spices, faintly of something sweet. My gaze swept the table, candles blazing in the center. Already there was a spread of side dishes and condiments. Grandma had gone all out like I knew she would. I’d seen her poring through her recipe books a few days ago figuring out what she would prepare tonight. My grandparents were pretty up to date on the newest technology. They both had smart phones and Grandma had an ipad. But there were still some things they preferred to remain old fashioned about. Recipe books were one of those things. “Hey, Cooper.” Grandpa stood from the recliner he’d been seated in. “And you must be London.” He outstretched his arm and shook her hand. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.” “You too, Mr. Montgomery.” “Come in and make yourself comfortable. Dinner will be ready in a few.” He swept his arm out, indicating the family room. Before we could sit down, Grandma emerged from the kitchen carrying a large dish. She set it on the dining table and then looked up at us with a smile. Maneuvering around the table, she rushed over to London and pulled her into a hug. At first London was stiff, her arms pinned at her sides. But she quickly recovered, bringing her arms up and hugging Grandma back. “We’re so glad you could make it, London.” Grandma drew back, grinning. “Any girl who can whip this boy into shape like you have is someone I have to meet.” There was that word again. God, was I really whipped? When London’s eyes met mine, I sighed. Oh, hell. She totally owned me, didn’t she? During dinner, London mostly picked at her food with her fork. She hadn’t been very hungry lately. I wondered if it was the illness or nerves. I suspected it was both. Grandma and Grandpa stuck to benign topics, like London’s hobbies. No one mentioned her illness or the fact that she wouldn’t be returning to

school this year, and for that I was grateful. She’d had her last day of school on Friday, and I know it was difficult for her. Even more difficult because no one knew why she was leaving. I could already hear the rumor mill chugging along. No doubt there would be endless theories making the rounds this week. London relaxed more with each minute. I could see it in the slope of her shoulders, in the way she gripped her fork. She spoke animatedly about the latest novel she was reading, and my heart pinched. I knew reading had always been her favorite form of entertainment, but it was clear that it took on an even more significant meaning now. It was her escape, her way of coping. I should be happy that she had something like that, but instead it upset me. She shouldn’t have to escape. She shouldn’t be going through this at all. Balling the napkin in my lap, I fought against the rage inside. God, it was becoming a daily battle lately. The only awkward part of the conversation was when Grandma asked about London’s parents. I had talked about London’s dad, but I’d never told my grandparents that London’s mom was gone. Maybe because I didn’t know the whole story. I had no idea what had happened with her mom. It was something I’d wanted to ask her on more than one occasion, but she seemed to shut down every time the subject came up. I’d surmised that it wasn’t something she was comfortable sharing. And I got that. I’d been that way for years about my parents, skirting the subject every chance I got. Therefore, I respected her need to keep it private. I knew she’d tell me when she was ready. Grandma appeared embarrassed when London had to share that she didn’t have a mom around, and that it was just her and her dad. But London made it okay by smiling and saying, “It’s not so bad being raised by a man. Sure, I dress like a boy and I know more about fixing a car than I do about girly things like painting my nails or fixing my hair, but my dad’s pretty cool. We make it work.” I reached for her hand under the table, wrapping my fingers around her cold ones. That’s one of the main things I liked about London. Her ability to put people at ease. And to be honest, I loved that she wasn’t a typical girly girl. I’d been with enough of those, and they weren’t all they’re cracked up to be. After dinner Grandma poured some tea and brought out a pie she’d baked. London’s face lit up as she bit into the flaky crust, strawberry sauce smearing her lips. Giggling, she wiped it away with a napkin and then dug in once again. She finished off almost the entire slice, and satisfaction sank into my gut. It

was the most I’d seen her eat in over a week. Clearly she was a dessert girl. I filed the information away for later. I knew it would come in handy. Although, I had to admit the pie was amazing. I was still stuffed from dinner, yet I scarfed down my entire piece. By the time we finished dessert, London’s eyelids lowered, and a yawn escaped. She threw her hand up to block it, but I still noticed it. Draping an arm over her shoulder, I leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Ready to get home?” I saw her wrestling with the decision. “I wish I could stay longer. I’m having such a good time.” “I know, baby.” I rubbed her upper arm with my hand. “But you need your rest.” She nodded, annoyance glinting in her eyes. But it didn’t offend me. I knew it wasn’t directed toward me at all. She was angry with the disease the same way I was. It was one more thing that we had in common. London pushed her chair back, and stood. “Thank you for everything.” “Of course,” Grandma said. “It was great having you. You’re welcome here anytime.” “Awesome. I’ll be sure to come back next time you make that pie,” London joked, causing both Grandma and Grandpa to chuckle. After saying a round of goodbyes, I ushered London out of the house and into my car. It was dark and the air was cooling. London shivered as she settled into the passenger seat. I slid into the driver’s seat and turned on the car. Light from the moon sliced across London’s face, illuminating her pale skin. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I asked, guiding my car away from the curb. “Not at all. I had fun.” “They loved you.” “I think they would’ve loved any girl you brought home. They adore you, Coop.” Sighing, she rested her head against the window. “Did you call me Coop?” She pressed her lips together, a guilty expression cloaking her face. “Oops, I’m sorry. I didn’t even notice.”

I hated when girls called me that. It was my baseball nickname, reserved for my buddies on the team. But hearing it out of her mouth was maybe the sexiest thing I’d ever heard. “I liked it,” I said. She smiled. “How did I get so lucky?” “Trust me, I’m the lucky one,” I said. “And for the record, they wouldn’t have loved any girl I brought home. They loved you, not because you were with me, but because you’re you.” It killed me to go to school on Monday knowing London was heading to the hospital for her first round of chemotherapy. I would’ve given anything to go with her. To hold her hand when they injected the IV, to tell her jokes and make her laugh. I wasn’t sure her dad would be able to do that for her. Not that he wasn’t a funny guy. He was, in a corny kind of way. And he loved London in a way I never would. But still, he was hurting. Hurting like I could never understand. London was all he had, and she felt that every time they were together. She didn’t verbalize it, but it was there in her subtle comments, in her demeanor. She was more scared of leaving her dad than she was of her own death. And I was afraid that would only make today that much more difficult for her. But London insisted I attend school. I had a game, and I wouldn’t be able to play if I skipped out on school. Usually nothing could tear me away from the game. But today all I wanted was to be with my girl. Baseball didn’t hold the same meaning when my girlfriend was fighting for her life. Outrage filled me, and I slammed my locker shut with so much force it almost shattered in two. “Whoa,” Nate came up behind me. “What did that locker ever do to you?” I wanted to chuckle and throw out some witty comeback. It was our thing, after all. But I couldn’t. My mind was fixated on one thing, and one thing only – London. Blowing out a breath, I leaned my head against the hard metal. “Uh-oh, what’s going on?” Nate narrowed his eyes. “I could take a guess.” Calista swaggered in our direction, flanked by Lauren and Brooke. I groaned. “Calista, go away. I’m so not in the mood for your shit today.” “I’m sure you’re not,” she answered seriously.

Now my curiosity was perked. What the hell did she know? I shoved off the locker. “What does that mean?” “C’mon, you don’t have to play dumb with me. I know what’s going on with nerdgirl.” I fisted my hands at my sides, feeling the vein in my head pulsate. If she wasn’t a girl I’d pop her. But she was safe. I’d never hit a girl. Even one as evil as Calista. “Her name is London, and you’d be smart to start calling her that,” I ground out the words between my teeth. “Or I could start calling her ‘your baby mama,’ couldn’t I?” Her words confused me. “What the hell are you talking about?” She crossed her arms over her chest, wearing a smug look. Her friends smiled by her side. Nate furrowed his brows in a look of confusion. At least I wasn’t the only one. “I’m not stupid, Cooper. You’re a manwhore. We all know that. And nerd---” she stopped. “I mean, London, isn’t exactly experienced, so I’m sure she’s not on the pill and doesn’t carry around condoms.” I shook my head, knowing where she was going with this. My muscles buzzed under my flesh. “She’s not pregnant, Calista.” She giggled. “Yeah, right. Who drops out two months into the school year? She’s totally preggers.” I stuck my face in Calista’s. “She is not, and you need to stop spreading these rumors.” “Really?” Calista raised her brows. A crowd was forming around us, and I needed to keep my cool. For London’s sake. “Then why’d she drop out?” “She didn’t. She’s doing home school,” I said. All eyes were on me, everyone curious. “Exactly. It’s what you do when you’re pregnant and trying to hide it.” Calista grinned. “I guess I should start calling you daddy.” “Damn it, Calista. What the hell is wrong with you?” I spat. “Are you really that jealous that I picked her over you?” Her eyes flashed, and I knew my words had hit their mark. I should have felt bad, but I didn’t. This time she’d gone too far. My girl was having the worst day of her life and this bitch was spreading rumors about her. “Are you kidding? Jealous?” Calista turned her nose up in disgust. “No way do I want to be

barefoot and pregnant at seventeen.” Snickers sounded around us. Whispered words swirled, the word ‘pregnant’ being the main one. Shit. There was no way I could let people think London was pregnant. She didn’t want people to know about her cancer, but wasn’t this worse? Now they thought she was a slut who got knocked up. I slammed my hand into my locker so hard it stung. Calista and her friends flinched. Nate touched my back. “Calm down, man. Everything’s going to be all right. I mean, it’s not the worst thing.” Did he seriously believe what Calista said? “She’s not pregnant, Nate.” I craned my neck. “She’s sick.” Without looking at anyone, I pushed off my locker and stormed down the hallway. My intention was to go to my first period class, but I never made it. Instead, I found myself on the baseball field, staring out at the dark green grass, at the shimmering golden sand. My chest expanded as I took it all in. “Hey,” Nate’s voice sounded over my shoulder. I pivoted. “How bad is it?” he asked. I swallowed down the emotion that threatened to overtake me. There was no way I was losing my shit in front of Nate. “Bad.” “Sorry, man.” Nate shifted uncomfortably on the balls of his feet. “Me too.” “I think Calista feels bad too.” “I don’t really give a shit what she thinks,” I said. “I get it.” Nate nodded. “Is London going to be all right?” I shook my head. “Not sure. She starts chemo today.” “Shit,” Nate breathed. “Yeah.” We stood in silence for a few minutes, both lost in our own thoughts. Besides, there was nothing Nate could say to make this better for me, and I was glad he didn’t try.

CHAPTER 22

London My hair started falling out. When I woke up this morning there was a clump of hair on my pillow. The oncologist told me this would happen, but nothing could prepare me for when it did. I stared at the golden strands, taunting me from my pillow. I had been on chemo for three weeks now, and none of it had been a picnic. I was sick after every treatment, I was tired, and I had lost my appetite. But this was by far the worst side effect. Reaching up, I touched my head, running my fingers through the hair that was left as a lump grew in my throat. I’d never been a vain person, but my hair had always been my favorite feature. Not only was it the shield I used to hide myself from the world, but it was my one feature I shared with my mom. Her hair was a little lighter in color, but it was the same thickness, the same length. In fact, I’d always worn my hair straight and long because it was how my mom wore hers. And now I would lose it. Angry, I snatched up the hair and tossed it on the ground. A growl erupted from the back of my throat, and I flung myself down on my bed. I knew I was throwing a tantrum like a child, but I didn’t care. I was upset. I was hurt. But mostly, I was sad. The squeak of the door opening sounded behind me, and I stiffened. “Hey.” I froze at the sound of Cooper’s voice. I had forgotten it was Saturday, so I hadn’t been expecting him so early. “What’s wrong?” My bed sloped downward, creaking as he sat down. His hand rested on my back. Keeping my head pressed onto my bed, I pointed to the ground, to the strands of hair shimmering in the carpet. “It’s my hair. It’s-it’s--” I choked on the words. Cooper’s hands swept up and down my back, creating warm friction. “It’s going to be all right.

You’ll still be beautiful no matter what.” I shook my head. He meant well, but he didn’t get it. I wasn’t some shallow girl who was only worried about her looks. Hoisting myself up, I sat upright. Sniffing, I pushed the hair out of my face. “It’s not about that.” Lowering my gaze, I picked at a thread on my comforter. “I feel like I can’t control anything about this damn disease. It keeps taking from me, and I’m powerless to stop it.” Cooper scooted forward until our knees touched. Snagging both my hands he gripped them tightly in his. “Then let’s take control.” “How?” “Hold on. I’ll be right back.” He stood up and glided out of the room. I heard him talking to Dad in the family room, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. Then I heard footsteps in the hallway. Curious, I slid off my bed and padded over to my doorway, peeking out. The sound of a cupboard opening and closing came from the bathroom. When Cooper stepped out of the bathroom, he held Dad’s shaver in his hand. I reeled back. “What’s that for?” “I told you. We’re taking control.” My body went hot. “Please tell me we’re not shaving my head.” Instinctually my hand flew to my hair. Cooper’s face softened. “You’re going to lose it either way. You can watch it fall out a little at a time over the course of weeks or months. Or you can decide when it all goes.” I knew what he was trying to do, and I appreciated it, but I wasn’t sure I could do it. Biting my lip, I stared into his eyes as if wishing the answer was inside. “Tell you what.” Cooper smiled. “I’ll go first.” “What?” He shrugged. “I’ll shave my head first.” My gaze jerked up to his thick hair. “But I like your hair.” “Are you saying that you’ll like me less when I shave it?” I shook my head vehemently. “Of course not.”

“C’mon.” Tugging my hand, he guided me into the bathroom. Our bathroom was small and cramped. It hardly fit two people in it at one time. Cooper stood in front of the mirror, and I plunked down on the closed toilet seat. In one fluid movement, Cooper took off his shirt. I inhaled sharply, my eyes resting on the defined muscles of his chest, his pants hanging low on his hips and showing off the V like indentation. I’d seen his chest before. I’d even touched it, but I’d never get used to it. That I was certain of. Cooper’s lips tugged at the corners when he caught me staring. Blushing, I averted my gaze. What I wanted to do was leap up and touch him all over his bare skin, but I was acutely aware of Dad down the hallway, so I’d maintain some self-control. After draping a towel around his shoulders, he turned on the shaver. It buzzed loudly in the quiet room. Standing up, I placed my arm over his. “You don’t have to do this.” “I know.” He smiled. “Trust me?” Nodding, I pressed my lips together and sat back down. Hugging myself, I watched as he ran the shaver over his head. Clumps fell to the ground with each swipe. I winced as they crashed to the tile floor. Silence filled the room when he finished. “What do you think?” He turned to me. Standing, I ran my hand over his newly shorn head. The short strands were coarse and tickled my palm. I was used to burying my fingers in the thickness of it. “It’s different.” “Good different or bad different?” “Neither, I guess. Just different.” He stared into my eyes. “London, do you find me as attractive as before?” “Definitely,” I answered honestly. Short hair didn’t change that much. He still had the same bright blue eyes, chiseled features, and strong jaw. “Have your feelings for me changed at all since I shaved my head?” I shook my head, knowing what he was doing. “And mine won’t either.” He stole a quick kiss on my lips. “With or without hair, it won’t matter to me. I’ll still find you incredibly sexy, and my feelings for you won’t change at all.”

My lips quivered. How had I gotten so lucky? “Thank you.” Cooper swallowed hard, his neck swelling with the effort. “Are you ready?” I exhaled. “I’m not sure.” “You can’t leave me hangin’.” He nudged me in the stomach. “I was planning on us twinning.” “Twinning?” An involuntary chuckle arose in my throat. “Yeah, isn’t that what it’s called?” “Yeah, I’ve just never heard you say it.” Cooper never ceased to amaze me. Glancing up at his head, I summoned up my courage. I couldn’t believe he shaved his head like that. But he was right. If I did this myself, I couldn’t say chemo took my hair from me. It would be my choice. My decision. I would be in control. And wasn’t that what I wanted? Puffing out my chest, I stood tall. “All right. Let’s be twinning.” “That’s my girl.” A broad smile swept over Cooper’s face. Breathing deeply in and out, I stood in front of the mirror. “But I’m not taking off my top.” “Man, that was the main reason I wanted to do this,” Cooper joked, draping a towel over my shoulders. I fisted it, cinching it around me. “Let’s just get this over with.” My eyes closed when the shaver’s loud buzz filled the quiet space. I squeezed them shut with such force I worried I might pop a vein. The shaver skated over my head, prickling at my scalp, but I couldn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to see the hair fall. It was bad enough knowing it was happening. I didn’t want to witness it. Still, I felt it. I felt the strands as they slipped down my face, as they brushed my cheek, as they landed on my bare feet. Emotion swelled inside my chest, and tears rolled down my cheek. Each swipe caused more tears to fall. “Oh, baby, it’s okay,” Cooper said, his hand stilling. Flipping my eyes open, I gasped. My hair. It was really gone. A sob tore from my throat and tears streamed down my face, the salty taste lingering on my tongue. Cooper set the shaver down on the counter and swept me into his arms. I fastened my arms around his waist and pressed my cheek to his chest. Sobs racked my body as I cried into Cooper’s skin, my tears wetting his flesh. He held me securely, his palms

circling my back. When I’d finally calmed down, Cooper framed my face with his hands. “You look beautiful, London. You really do.” Sniffling, I ran a hand across my nose. “You’re just saying that.” “I never say things I don’t mean. You know that.” His thumbs wiped away my tears. “You have the most gorgeous eyes in the whole world, and now they look even more pronounced.” I wanted to believe him, but I wasn’t sure I did. It was all too much. All I knew was that I needed to get out of the bathroom. I was starting to sweat, claustrophobia kicking in. And I didn’t want to look at my reflection anymore. Blowing out a breath, I stepped into the hallway. As I did, I bumped right into Dad who had been walking toward his room. His eyes widened when he got a good look at me, and it caused fresh tears to spring to my eyes. “I’m sorry, Dad,” I said, my voice wavering. “We- we- were trying to take control.” “Oh, pumpkin, you’re beautiful.” He drew me into a large embrace. “It shows off those incredible peepers of yours.” “That’s what I said,” Cooper interjected. But he hadn’t said ‘peepers.’ No one except my dad used the word ‘peepers’ anymore. But for some reason his use of the word gave me comfort. It felt familiar. When everything around me was changing, it was nice that some things could stay the same. Christmas was hands down my favorite holiday. It wasn’t so much the gifts, it was the entire season. It was magical, all the lights and decorations, the music, the feeling of joy and merriment. But nothing felt magical about this Christmas. When I woke up in the morning I felt groggy, weak, and sickly. Dad had Christmas music playing, and he was cooking bacon and eggs. He wore his Santa apron that I’d bought him years ago. I knew he was trying hard, so I vowed to make the most of it no matter how awful I felt. Besides, I was grateful to be home. It was a hell of a lot better than being in the hospital like I had been for Thanksgiving. Dad and I had planned to spend Thanksgiving with Cooper and his family. It had always just been Dad and me for

Thanksgiving. Some years we didn’t even make a Turkey. It seemed that when we did make the entire meal, most went to waste anyway. Therefore, a cozy Thanksgiving at Cooper’s house sounded perfect. And it would’ve been. Only it never happened. The week of Thanksgiving I acquired an infection and had to be hospitalized. So instead of an old fashioned Thanksgiving with Cooper and his family, I spent the day in a hospital bed, watching movies, reading books, and eating a few bites of hospital food. As I sat down to Christmas breakfast with Dad, I was thankful to be in the comfort of my own home this holiday. Besides, I knew Cooper was coming over after he exchanged presents with his grandparents this morning, and I looked forward to seeing him. I could only force down a few bites before queasiness took over. Dad must have sensed I was finished, because he wiped his mouth with a napkin and rubbed his palms together. “Ready to open presents?” Following Dad into the family room, I dropped to my knees in front of the lit tree. Dad was bent over, his head hidden under the bottom branches. Pine needles brushed against his back, some of them sticking to his shirt. Glancing up at the tree, my gaze swept over the array of mismatched ornaments. Decorating the tree was my favorite part of the holiday. Mostly because all the ornaments had been Mom’s. It was like taking a trip down memory lane. Dad had a story to share for almost every single ornament. As my eyes lit on them, I recalled their stories. “Here you go.” Dad emerged, holding three small packages, a light dusting of pine needles in his hair and across his shoulders. Sitting back, I ripped into the wrapping paper. After opening all three gifts, I leaned forward and kissed Dad on the cheek. “Thank you.” I smiled, forcing down the disappointment. Dad had bought me a couple of novels I wanted and a leather journal to write in. I knew I wouldn’t get my laptop. There was no way we could afford it now with all the hospital bills and Dad cutting back on his hours at the shop. Still, deep down I had hoped he could make it work. To kill time until Cooper showed up, I decided to curl up on the couch with a cup of hot tea, a

blanket, and one of the books Dad bought. It was called Dazzle, and it was the story of a group of warriors all with different special powers whose sole duty was to protect their town. It was funny because I could sort of see my relationship with Cooper played out in the story between the two main characters. The heroine and hero had gone to school together for years, but both had seriously misjudged the other. But the thing that made the biggest impact on me was the superpower of one of the subcharacters. Her name was Ariel, and she had the gift of healing. When I read that I paused, pressing the book to my chest. If only she was real. If only she could touch me with her healing hands, and make me better. If only it were that simple. But life wasn’t a fairytale. Real life wasn’t written in the pages of novels. It existed outside of the imagination of the author, and it couldn’t be contained in three hundred pages, tying up nicely at the end in a happily ever after. Real life was messy with a bunch of loose ends like ratty cords all tangled up and disheveled. There were even some knots that were impossible to loosen, some strands that were cut and frayed. And we never knew how many pages we got. Some were given a saga, while others only a novella or short story. Worse yet, there didn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason. Not like in books where the bad guy always got what he deserved while the good guys thrived. In real life it often felt like things happened opposite of that. When I got about halfway through the book, there was a knock on the door. I knew it would be Cooper, but I still found my heart picking up speed. Dad raced into the room, leaving the kitchen where he’d been cooking dinner, and let Cooper in. “There’s my sexy bookworm,” Cooper greeted me. “I’m not sure about sexy.” I reached up and touched my shorn hair. The day after Cooper had shaved my hair, Dad and I went to a beauty store and had a wig made. Right now it sat on my dresser. Usually I tried to wear it when Cooper came over, but the truth was, I hated it. It was itchy and I didn’t look like myself when I wore it. The shop had done a good job with it, trying to make it look like my hair did. But to me it wasn’t right. It wasn’t me. I missed my real hair. I missed the flush of my cheeks. I missed the little fat roll on my belly that I

used to try every year to get rid of. Quite simply, I missed me. “Trust me, you’re sexy. Hair or no hair.” Cooper was always so blunt about everything. Sometimes it shocked me, but I was getting used to it. Plus, I liked how he never sugar coated anything. Dad treated me with kid gloves, like I was so fragile he was afraid the truth might break me. But Cooper didn’t do that. Lowering down on the edge of the couch, Cooper sat near my feet. “What’s behind your back?” I asked, pointing to his hands that were securely hidden. “So impatient,” he joked, proffering his hands. In them he was holding several hats. “I know you don’t like your wig, and I like seeing you in my hats, so I figure this is the perfect solution.” Sitting up, I grinned. I reached out, snatching one of the hats. “This one isn’t yours. This is the A’s.” “They’re my favorite team,” he said. “Put it on.” I nodded, and did as I was told. “Perfect. I love seeing my girl wearing the hat for my favorite team. Now you just need a jersey.” “Why stop there?” I teased. “Don’t I need a foam finger?” He scrunched up his nose. “Nah, those are tacky.” I giggled as he set the other hats down over my legs. “They’re all yours.” Glancing up, his face grew serious. “But I meant what I said, you’re beautiful no matter what. So only wear them if you want to.” “Deal,” I said softly. As if it was his way of thanking me, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. It was a quick kiss since Dad was in the next room, and I found myself longing for more. It had been so long since we’d been alone. Glancing down at the hats, I felt a pang of guilt. “I feel bad that I didn’t get you anything for Christmas when you brought me such a great gift.” “Oh, this isn’t your gift.” Cooper smiled. “It isn’t?”

“Nope.” He stood. “I’ll be right back with that.” I was confused when he went back outside. Sitting up, I tried to see out the window, but I couldn’t make anything out. When Cooper returned, he once again had something behind his back. Dad entered the room, wiping his hands on a dishtowel. The two of them locked eyes, both grinning. I looked between them, suspicious. What were they up to? “Pumpkin,” Dad spoke. “I know things have been tough financially for us, but I wanted to get you something special for Christmas. So Cooper and his grandparents and I all went in together to get you something.” My breath caught in my throat when Cooper swung his arm out from behind his back, revealing a box holding a brand new laptop. “Oh, my god,” I squealed, my hand slapping over my mouth. “I don’t know what to say.” Cooper set the box in my lap. “I think that smile said enough.” “Yes, it really did,” Dad agreed. As I looked from Dad to Cooper, then back down at my brand new laptop, my heart burst. I was learning that no matter how dark things became, with these two in my life, there was always beauty and light to be found.

CHAPTER 23

Cooper At the end of January, London went into remission. And I wanted to celebrate by doing something special for her. The holidays had been so awful for her this year. She deserved to have a little fun. So I took her on a trip to the snow. She told me the last time she’d been up to the snow was when she was ten. She and her dad had spent a weekend in Tahoe, making snowmen and having snowball fights. And she loved it, but they hadn’t been back. Mostly because her dad was busy working, and they rarely took trips. We weren’t staying overnight, even though I wished we could. London may have been getting better, but her dad would never sign off on me taking her somewhere overnight. In fact, even if she was perfectly healthy and had never had cancer, I was certain her dad’s answer would be the same. Dexter and I got along well, but he was still pretty protective of his little girl. Not that I blamed him. I was pretty darn protective of her too. But it was okay. We had the whole day alone together, and that was enough for me. Since London had been sick, we’d rarely been alone. And I needed to be with my girl. I needed to feel her lips on mine, her hands on my body. I desired to touch her, to kiss her, to feel her body against mine. I wasn’t used to staying this pure, let me tell you. I was the guy who hooked up with a new girl every week. All London and I had done was kiss, and even that hadn’t been happening very often lately. Not that I was complaining exactly. What I had with London was so much better than what I’d had in the past. Only for her could I be this patient. Besides, she’d been sick. How big of an ass would I have to have been to bring up the subject of sex with a girl who was ill? But now she wasn’t sick, and I was anxious to see where this day alone with her would lead. She was wearing one of my Tigers’ hats, a sweatshirt and jeans, but she had brought gloves and a knit hat. They were tucked away in her purse. Her eyes sparkled as I drove, and in them I could see hope that hadn’t been present in the last few months. It was amazing the transformation that took place when she

found out she was in remission. Sure, she’d been tough while battling the cancer. Tougher than I could even imagine. And she handled it better than I probably would have. But there was always this darkness in her eyes, like a light had gone out. It was nice to see that light back. An hour into the drive we stopped at a little diner for lunch. After getting back on the road, it wasn’t long before we started spotting snow. “Look!” London pointed toward the shimmery white patches. Her face was flush, her lips curling upward at the edges. Reaching over with my free hand, I laced our fingers together. “I have the perfect spot to stop at pretty soon. It has a little hill we can slide down and lots of open area to play around.” I had a little sled tucked away in the trunk. When we reached our destination, I popped the trunk to get the sled out while London leaned against the car and put on her hat and gloves. With her rosy cheeks and nose she resembled a doll. “You are so beautiful,” I said. She giggled, and I couldn’t wait any longer. Abandoning the sled in the trunk, I bridged the gap between us. Curling my hands around her waist, I tugged her forward. Her expression grew serious, her gaze dropping to my lips. I hooked my fingers into the belt loops on her jeans as her palms came up to rest on my chest. Angling my face, I lowered my head and crashed my lips into hers. There was no going gently this time. I couldn’t restrain myself. She responded, her lips moving quickly over mine. Our tongues tangled together as she reached up, her glove-encased hands sliding up my chest, trailing over my shoulders, and resting at my neck. In my kiss I conveyed how grateful I was that she was better, how much I cared for her, and how much I missed this connection. As always, the kiss was intense; like an earthquake shaking the ground and splitting the earth beneath us. “As tempted as I am to stand here all day and make out with you, I did promise you a day in the snow.” Winking, I returned to the trunk and snatched the sled out. When I shoved the trunk closed, it slammed shut with a bang. “So, we better get to it.” Our feet crunched over the snow as we trekked across it. London shivered by my side, so I slung an arm over her shoulder. Sighing, she nestled into me. I was so close to tossing the sled and shoving her

into the back of my car. Exploring the snow didn’t sound nearly as exciting as exploring London. But then I glanced over at her and saw her taking it all in. Her expression was one of awe. She loved it here, and I wouldn’t take this experience away from her. “What first?” I asked. A stream of laughter filled the air as a few kids slid down the hill a few feet from us. Her expression grew wary. “Um…I think I better start slow.” Ducking out from under my arm, she bent down. Before I could register what was happening, a snowball hit me smack in the chest. “What the--” Another one hit me, and the sled slipped from my fingers. London laughed. “Oh, no you don’t.” Leaning over, I scooped up a ball of snow. Standing up, I brought my arm back ready to strike. Then I caught sight of London and hesitated. “Bock, bock, bock.” She flapped her arms like a chicken. I chuckled, lobbing a snowball in her direction. It landed near her feet. “Seriously? Is that all you got?” She hurled another snowball toward me, but I sidestepped it and it crashed to the ground. “London,” I said, shaking my head. Her shoulders sagged. “C’mon, Cooper. I know you can throw harder than that. You’re not even trying.” “I don’t want to hurt you.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “If you’re not going to take this seriously, then why don’t we just leave?” “I am taking this seriously,” I said. “No, you’re not. We came here to let loose, to have fun. Stop treating me like I’m going to break.” Groaning, she stomped her feet in the snow. “God, I’m so tired of it! I want to have fun. What good is it to be healthy if everyone still treats me like I’m sick?” Her words made me feel like shit. And I knew she was right. When she whirled away from me I picked up a snowball and hurled it at her back. It smacked her square between the shoulders. She froze,

and slowly pivoted. On her face was a huge grin. She bent down. “You better watch out, Mister.” When the snowball left her hand, I lunged to the left and it barely grazed my elbow. Then I shot another one in her direction. This one got her in the leg, and she squealed. She tossed another one to me, but I caught it. Then I raced toward her, wrapping my arms around her middle and gently tackling her to the ground. Giggling filled my ears as we landed. Her breath was warm against my skin as she breathed heavily. “Thank you, Coop.” She kissed my lips. “This is the most fun I’ve had in a long time.” “It’s not over yet.” “It better not be,” she said. Then a shiver ran through her as her teeth began to chatter. “God, it’s cold.” I smiled. “Does this mean you’ve already had enough of the snow?” She drug her bottom lip through her teeth, and it took all my willpower not to bite it. “Nope. I think I’d like to try sledding. I’ve never done that.” “Sounds like a plan.” Shoving off her, I stood. Then I held out my hand. She tucked hers in mine, and I yanked her up. “Let’s go.” With her hand in mine, we walked over to retrieve the sled off the ground. Then we hiked up the little hill. It was one designed more for kids, so it was perfect. The last thing I wanted was for London to get hurt. As tough as she appeared, I’d never forgive myself if something happened to her. “Last chance to back out,” I said, when we reached the top. “Coop, are you scared?” she teased. “You don’t have to go with me, you know?” I grabbed her around the middle. “That’s it. We’re doing this now.” When I picked her tiny body up, she screamed. But it was a happy scream, not a frightened one. Tenderly, I set her down on the sled. Then I straddled her from behind, circling one arm around her waist. “Ready?” She nodded, and I pushed off with my other hand. The sled began its descent down the hill. Icy wind whipped us in the face, and the ground bumped beneath us. London let out a little yelp when we crashed at the bottom. It wasn’t bad. The sled fell over a little, and we landed softly in the snow. After helping London up, she smiled at me. “I did it.”

“You certainly did.” I kissed her on the cheek. “Can I do it again?” “Of course.” After several more times London’s lips turned blue. She shivered, her teeth chattering again. We were pretty wet from the snow by this point. “Wanna go back to the car and warm up?” She nodded, still shivering. When we got back to the car, I turned on the heater and rubbed my palms together. London peeled off her wet sweatshirt. Underneath she only had on a white tank top. My heart stuttered in my chest. “Can you hand me the other sweatshirt I brought?” She asked. I glanced behind me to where her other sweatshirt sat in the backseat. I was tempted to tear off the shirt she had on, abandoning the other one in the backseat. But I fought against the instinct, and reached in the back for her sweatshirt. As I handed her the shirt, I reached out and touched her bare skin. The pads of my fingers trailed up her arm and slipped under the edge of her tank top. Her skin was smooth and pale, ivory like the snow. She froze, her eyes on me. Leaning over, I kissed her shoulder, her flesh soft against my lips. Then I dragged my lips across her collarbone. Her sharp intake of breath was like a nod of encouragement. My lips skated up her neck, my tongue licking out at her skin. She arched her back, leaning her head back to expose her neck. As I peppered kisses all along her neck and collarbone, my hand slid under her shirt, running along her smooth stomach and up to her breasts. When my fingers inched under her bra, she stiffened. “Cooper.” The stern way she said my name caused me to pause. I lowered my hand and drew back, confused. Without looking at me, she yanked the sweatshirt over her head and then hugged herself. It was like a slap in the face. “Hey.” I tucked my finger under her chin and guided her head in my direction. “What’s going on?” She sighed. “I don’t know. I panicked, I guess.” Her gaze lowered. “I’m sorry, Coop.” “It’s all right. I never want to make you uncomfortable. I need to understand why. Is it me?”

“No.” Her eyes snapped to mine, her hand touching my face. “God, no. I want to be with you so badly. I’m just scared, I guess.” “What are you scared of?” “I don’t know.” Her eyes shot to the window, and my stomach dropped. There was something she wasn’t telling me. Something big. No matter how much London opened up to me, I knew there was some part of her she kept guarded. A secret she wasn’t ready to share. And I wanted to press it, to demand answers. But I couldn’t. Not today. I wouldn’t ruin this day for either of us. I sat back in my seat, deciding to let it go for now. A week after our trip to the snow, Grandma invited London over for a home-cooked Thanksgiving meal. It may have been February, but that didn’t matter to Grandma. She’d find any excuse to cook and entertain, and London getting well was reason enough for her. Besides, she’d felt guilty ever since London had to miss out on Thanksgiving at our house. After seeing how much she loved pie, Grandma had been dying to make her another one. London and I sat in the porch swing on the front porch. It was cool outside, but not cold. There was a light breeze, but the sky was blue, the sun warm in the sky. The scent of Turkey and fresh baked pie wafted through the walls, reaching us even out here. I swung us back and forth by pushing on the ground with the toe of my shoe, the chains rattling by my head. London’s fingers were woven through mine. “What are your plans now that you’re better?” I asked her. “Thinking of returning to school?” Even when she was at her sickest, London kept up with her studies. But I knew she got bored sitting at home all the time. She’d confided in me several times that as much as she thought she hated high school all these years, she actually missed it. “Oh, probably not.” She shook her head. “Not this year. It would be too hard to go back. “Definitely next year though.” Her gaze locked on mine. “Too bad you won’t be there.” “I could stay. Do senior year again,” I joked. “Yeah, right.” She giggled, resting her head on my shoulder. “But there is a writing class I could take at parks and rec. I’ve been thinking of joining it.”

“You should. It would be good for you to get out of the house.” “You sound like my dad,” she said. Normally I had no desire to sound like a parent, but in this instance it didn’t bother me. Dexter was right. Being cooped up in her house all day wasn’t good for her. Now that she was healthy enough to get out, she needed to do it. “Well, then I think you should listen to us.” I nudged her. “Oh, you do, huh?” She lifted her head, turning her neck in my direction. The sunlight spilled across her face, shining in her eyes. “Yes, I do.” I touched her cheek, my fingers sweeping over her smooth skin. “Have you been writing much on your laptop?” She shook her head. “I want to. I’m just having trouble coming up with ideas.” “See. Maybe the class will help you.” A car drove down the street, its engine upsetting the silence of the neighborhood. “Yeah. Maybe.” She nodded, but there was doubt in her eyes. “What’s stopping you?” She hesitated, taking a breath. “I don’t know.” “Yes, you do. Tell me.” “I’ve only been in remission a few weeks. I guess I want to make sure it’s going to stick, you know? I’m afraid if I commit to something I’ll get sick again and have to drop out.” “None of us knows what tomorrow will bring, but we can’t live our life in fear.” I ran my fingertips up her cheek. “Remember that day in the snow? How much fun we had?” She smiled, nodding. “That’s how every day should be.” “Are you saying that you’re going to take me to the snow every day?” She teased. “I wish.” I chuckled. “No, I’m saying that you need to approach life that way, and enjoy every minute.” “I know I enjoy every minute with you,” she said.

“Me too.” Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to her forehead, inhaling her sweet vanilla scent. And I silently prayed London would have an endless amount of minutes left on this earth.

CHAPTER 24

London I knew it was too good to be true. The past two months since I’d gone into remission were full of promise, hope and possibilities. But deep down, I’d had my doubts. Deep down, I worried that it wouldn’t last forever. And that worry grew as it neared the time for my checkup and biopsy. The minute I saw my doctor’s face when we showed up for my appointment today, I knew. He didn’t even have to say the words. The results weren’t good. Dad was putting up a good front, but I could tell it was tearing him apart, which was why I didn’t want to tell anyone else. Everyone had been so happy, and I hated to take that away from them. So when Skyler bounded outside the second we returned home from the appointment, I lied and told her it went well. And when Cooper texted, I told him the same thing. Eventually I’d have to be honest, but I couldn’t do it today. Give them some more time of ignorant bliss. I wished I could have it. But since I couldn’t, I’d opt to escape in a different way. After talking to Skyler, I hid in my room with my latest novel. Curling up on my bed, I opened the pages and allowed myself to escape inside. Allowed my imagination to pull me into a world where there was no cancer, no illness, and no treatments. “Hey.” A voice startled me, yanking me from my fictional world. My door shoved open a little, and Cooper’s head poked in. “Hey.” I was surprised to see him here. The spring season had started and he should have been at practice right now. “What are you doing here?” “It’s great to see you too.” He walked to my bed and leaned down to kiss my forehead. “That’s not what I meant. It’s just that I thought you had practice.” I set the book down on my bed. “I’m going there after this.” My eyes flickered over to the clock. “Aren’t you going to be late?”

“It’ll be fine.” He lowered down beside me. Reaching out, he played with my fingers, stroking them gently. It felt good, and I longed for him to stay all afternoon and keep doing that. In fact, I could think of a lot of things I’d like to do with him. Perhaps if we did, I could get my mind off of the cancer for a little bit. But I couldn’t let him miss practice. “Coop, you have to go.” He threaded his fingers through mine. “I don’t like leaving you.” “And I don’t like when you leave.” “Then we’re in agreement.” He smiled. “No, we’re not,” I said firmly. “You have to go to practice.” His gaze lowered, his eyes not meeting mine. What was going on? “Coop?” “A scout from Fallbrook University came to see me. He offered me a position on the team, and a scholarship.” I fought against the pang of regret. Truly I was happy for him, but I couldn’t help feeling sad for me. I had no idea what I’d do without him here. But this was inevitable. He was a senior. And not just any senior. He was the freaking star pitcher of the varsity baseball team and a 4.0 student. “That’s amazing. I’m so proud of you.” “I don’t think I can take it.” My stomach tumbled to the ground. “Why not?” His eyes slammed into mine. “I can’t leave you, London.” “Yes, you can,” I said. “And you have to. This is your future we’re talking about.” “But I don’t want to leave you.” Dropping my hands, he stood. Running a hand through his hair, he grunted in frustration. I couldn’t let him throw away his future for me. This was what he’d worked so hard his entire life for. “I’m going to be fine. And lots of people have long-distance relationships. We’ll make it work.” He swung around, his expression hard. “Don’t do that. You know this isn’t about us making a longdistance relationship work. And don’t say you’re going to be fine. Your dad told me what the oncologist

said today.” So that’s what this was about. My stomach clenched. Now it was my turn to look away. “London?” His thumb tucked under my chin. “Why didn’t you tell me? You promised to be honest.” I stared out the window. The branches from the tree outside my window swayed, a blue bird flying past. What I wouldn’t give to be that bird. To soar across the sky, untethered to the earth. “Sorry,” I mumbled. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t always completely honest with him. In my defense, it was not an outright lie, just a lie of omission. “I didn’t want to worry you.” “I get to choose whether or not to worry, okay? Don’t keep information from me anymore.” His tone was so firm it shocked me, and for some reason it sparked anger deep in my gut. It bubbled inside of me, my insides feeling as if they might explode like shaken soda. “Okay. The cancer’s back.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sick again. It’s worse than before and I might not make it this time. Is that what you want to hear?” He fell to his knees next to me, grabbing my arm. “No, God, no. That’s not what I want to hear at all.” Frustrated, I said, “Then what do you want from me? First you’re mad because I don’t tell you what the oncologist said, and now you’re mad when I say it.” He dropped his head onto my arm. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m just so scared.” His lips trailed my skin, his breath hot on my flesh. When he peered up at me, his face was ravaged with pain. “The thing is…that I think…no, I know.” He paused. “I love you, London.” I sucked in a breath. He’d never said that to me before. In fact, no boy ever had. But I didn’t have to think about it. I knew exactly how I felt about him. “I love you too, Coop.” “I don’t want to lose you.” “I don’t want to be lost,” I whispered. Lifting up on his knees, Cooper’s hand slid up my neck. His lips brushed over mine, gently, softly. He took his time, rubbing his lips over mine, caressing every inch of my lips from the outer edges to the center. It was as if he was memorizing every ridge and nuance. His fingers trailed over the skin of my

neck tickling the tender flesh. When his tongue slipped into my mouth I was ready for it. I tangled mine with his, creating a sensual dance. His lips sucked on mine, as his tongue swirled over my teeth and the roof of my mouth. It was as if he couldn’t get enough. As if he wanted to feel and taste every detail. When we disconnected, I felt heady. “You won’t be lost,” he said, framing my face with his hands. “I will always find you. I promise.” I nodded, knowing he was serious. The problem was I didn’t understand what it meant. The simple act of loving me wasn’t enough to heal my body, was it? It worked in my novels, but I didn’t think it worked in real life. And as much as Cooper wanted me to live, I wasn’t sure it was up to him. When my body was ready to shut down, there wasn’t anything we could do to stop it. If the doctors couldn’t stop the disease from progressing, what hope did the rest of us have? On Saturday Cooper didn’t have practice or pitching lessons, so we had all day together. Fortunately I was feeling a little better today too. Dad was out running errands. He acted like it was a spontaneous decision, but I knew he only went because Cooper was over. He rarely left my side these days. It was actually nice to not have him breathing down my neck. Not that I was complaining exactly. I knew he meant well, but sometimes it was a little overwhelming. The air was cooling down, and it blew in through the open window, skating over my skin. I wore a pair of gym shorts, one of Cooper’s Tigers’ hats, and a jersey he loaned me. He kept telling me I looked sexy. I never tired of hearing him saying that. “I’ve realized something.” I threaded my fingers through Cooper’s, sliding my thumb along his palm. “I don’t have a bucket list.” “London.” Cooper groaned, his grip on my hand tightening. “No, hear me out.” I knew he didn’t like to talk about the possibility that I might die, but it was something I had to talk about. It was something I had to face. “I’ve read a lot of novels about people with cancer.” I felt Cooper stiffen behind me, his chest hard against my back. “And all those books had this message about living your life to the fullest, and making the most of every moment. I haven’t really done that. Most of my life I’ve hidden from the world.” Releasing Cooper’s hand, I turned to face him, sitting

on my knees. “I don’t want to live my life in fear anymore. I want to really live, you know?” Cooper nodded, a pained expression on his face. His hand came up to touch my chin. “You’re going to have plenty of time to live.” My stomach dropped. “We don’t know that.” His hand slid up, his palm curving around my face. “Yes, we do. You’re going to live. You have to.” I bit my lip, my mind replaying the doctor’s words over and over in my mind. My head lowered to stare at the hands in my lap. “Hey.” Cooper tenderly forced my face up to look at him. “No negative thoughts, okay?” Nodding, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the folded up piece of binder paper. My fingers trembled as I unfolded it. The paper quivered in my hand. “What’s that?” Cooper raised a brow. His expression was a mixture of curiosity and wariness. I took a deep breath, holding it out to him. “It’s my bucket list.” He reeled back from it like it was a poisonous snake. “Take it,” I urged. “I want you to help me with it.” Hesitantly, he reached forward, his fingers closing around it. Leaning back, he scanned it. Then he sat forward and calmly ripped it to shreds. After throwing it on the ground, he stood. “No. We’re not doing this,” he ground out the words angrily. Shocked, I found it difficult to draw breath. I stared at the remnants of my list, at the tattered chunks of paper littering the ground. What the hell was wrong with him? When I glanced back up, I saw that he was no longer in my room. Heart pounding, I slid off my bed and padded down the hallway. Cooper was flinging open the front door, sunlight spilling inside. “Are you leaving?” Without turning around, he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” Taking a step forward, he slammed the door closed. I flinched at the sound. Hugging myself, I stood in the hallway listening to the engine roar on his car as he turned it on. Slowly, I walked to the window and watched as he drove away. What did he mean

when he said he couldn’t do this? As I stared into the front yard, my gaze landed on my flowers. The ones I had planted a couple months ago. I had been so inward focused lately that I’d forgotten to water them. Now they were dying, their petals crunchy and brown, their stems bent toward the ground. They looked so sad and weepy, and for some reason the sight of this caused extreme sadness to blanket me. My bottom lip began to shake, and a tear slid down my cheek. I wiped it away swiftly, but as soon as it was gone, another came, and then another. My knees softened, and I dropped into the nearest chair. I was like those flowers. Pretty soon my body would give out on me. I would no longer be vibrant and alive as I once was. And when that happened those around me would have to watch me shrivel and wither away. I didn’t blame Cooper for having second thoughts. It was too much of me to ask him to walk this journey with me. And I never should’ve sprung that list on him. What eighteen-year-old boy wants to spend their last summer before college caring for a dying girl? It was selfish of me. If I really loved Cooper, I’d let him go. I’d allow him to enjoy his last days of his senior year, to prepare for his first year of college. I was done being selfish. If there was ever a time to grow up, it was now. It may have been the only time I had left.

CHAPTER 25

Cooper I drove aimlessly around town. There was no destination in mind, but I needed to clear my mind. My thoughts were a jumbled mess, my stomach in knots. There was nothing I could do to make this sick feeling in my stomach go away. No way to stop hurting, to stop being angry. I felt like an ass for leaving London the way I did earlier. Ripping up her bucket list and running away was the wrong thing to do. I even knew it at the time. Still, I couldn’t stop myself. When I read that damn list, anger burned through me. Why did it have to be London? Why her? She’s the first person I’d given my heart to. The first person I’d allowed in, other than my grandparents, since my parents died. And I couldn’t lose her. God and I had never really been on speaking terms, but lately I’d found myself talking to him a lot. Begging him is more like it. Desperate pleas tumbled from my lips night and day. I’d even tried bargaining with him, offering to trade things for London’s life. At this point I’d give up anything for her. Pulling over, I exhaled and rested my head on the glass window. The sky above me was blue, sunshine spraying it. It seemed wrong that it could be so bright and cheery outside when it was dark and gloomy inside my heart. I was upset with myself for my behavior. My job wasn’t to unload on London. She counted on me to be her comic relief, the one person she could feel relaxed around. She’d told me so herself. With her dad she often felt she had to walk on eggshells. That she had to be brave and strong for him. I had worked so hard to make sure she didn’t have to be like that for me. But clearly I hadn’t done that great of a job, especially if she had been keeping things from me. And now I’d made everything worse by flying off the handle. I was such an ass. The radio was on low, but the song playing was one I recognized. It was an older song, one my grandpa liked. I couldn’t sit here and feel sorry for myself all day, but I wasn’t quite ready to face London. Not until I got my head on straight. When I returned to her I needed to assure her that she could lean on me. That she could unload on me, and that I would be man enough to take it. I wasn’t sure I was

there yet. But I knew who could help me get there. Determined, I sat up straight and maneuvered my vehicle back onto the street. It was only a few blocks to my house, so I got there within minutes. Grandpa was outside tending to the yard as I had suspected he would be. When I got out of the car, I shoved the keys into the pocket of my jeans and trudged in his direction. He turned to me with a smile, but it quickly faded as he took in my face. “Cooper, you okay?” In that moment it was like everything came crashing down. London’s illness, her dire prognosis, her loss of hair and weight, the possibility that she might not make it. The stark reality that I could lose yet another person I love. All of it bore down on me until I could barely stand under the weight of it all. Slumping forward, I crumpled against my grandpa. His arms came around me, holding me firmly. I wasn’t the type of guy who cried. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I did. It may have been when my parents passed away. Even when I broke my leg riding my bike I didn’t cry. Sure I wanted to. I remembered pinching my eyes closed as tightly as possible, holding the tears inside. And when my lips quivered, I bit down on them. I was no sissy, I could tell you that. But today I didn’t want to bite down on my lip. I didn’t want to keep the tears inside. I wanted to cry, damn it. I was tired of holding it in. It was time to release it, to let it out. If not, it would kill me. So in Grandpa’s arms I did just that. I allowed the tears to flow. And I held on to him, tighter than I ever had before. I clutched onto him as if my life depended on it. As if I was drowning in the sea and he was the raft sent to rescue me. And maybe that’s what he was. I did feel like I was drowning, like the current was sucking me under and there was no one to yank me out. The fear and anger that consumed me was something I hadn’t shared with anyone. It’s not like I could tell London, so I’d kept it to myself, hidden deep in my heart. But in doing so, I’d made things worse. The waves were swelling, tossing me all around, and I’d done nothing to calm them. If anything, I’d provoked them. I had no idea how long we stood there in the middle of the front yard, my tears wetting Grandpa’s shirt, his arms securely fastened around me. I was sure it appeared odd to the cars who drove past. Normally that kind of thing would concern me, but not today. Today it seemed petty, shallow, and

insignificant. By the time I finished, my throat was raw and scratchy, my eyes burning. Drawing back from Grandpa, I wiped my nose and face with my hands. Some of my tears had dried, and now my skin was sticky to the touch. “I need to get back to London’s.” I sniffed. Grandpa nodded. Then he reached out and gave my shoulder an encouraging squeeze. “Thanks,” I mumbled, as I stepped away from him. “I’m always here for you. You know that.” And I did. His arms had been the same ones that held me after my parents had died. He’d lost his son, and yet he was able to comfort me, to be strong for me. Now I would do the same for London. I’d be strong even when I felt weak. And if I needed to unload, I’d come home. To the people who had carried my burdens since I was a little boy. And no matter, what I wouldn’t allow London to give up. Instead I would stand by her side, and help her fight. The shift in her behavior was apparent the minute she opened the door. In the hours since I’d last been here, she’d shut down on me. I could see it in her eyes. It was clear even in her stance, the way she stood with her arms crossed. It killed me. Not to mention the fact that she’d ditched my hat. It could’ve been that she got tired of wearing it, but it felt calculated. It felt personal. “I’m sorry, baby,” I murmured, wrapping my arms around her. She fell against me, but kept her arms pinned at her sides. “I got scared, but it won’t happen again.” Bringing up her arms, she splayed her palms on my chest and pushed me back. Panic bloomed inside of me like a flower opening up. “No, you were right to get scared. And you were right to walk away. This is scary, and it’s not your problem. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. I get it.” The panic grew, unfurling. “You’re right. It’s not my problem.” I took a step toward her. “You’re not a problem at all, London. You’re the girl I love, and I’m not walking away from you. Not now. Not ever.”

Pressing her lips together, she shook her head. “But you should. You should walk away and never look back.” “I can’t.” Reaching up, I grazed her cheek with my knuckles. “But you need to.” Her lips quivered. “You were right to get mad earlier. I never should’ve given you that list. I’m asking too much.” “No,” I spoke firmly. “You’re not. I was an ass earlier, okay? I guess I thought if I ripped up the list, if we never did the things on it, then you would live forever.” Feeling like an idiot, I blew out a breath. “I know it’s irrational, but I need to believe that you’re going to make it.” She moved away from me. “That’s just it, Coop. I may not make it. I might die. In fact, at this point it’s looking very likely that I will die from this disease. Don’t you get that?” “Don’t say that.” I lunged forward, framing her face with my hands. “Don’t ever say that.” She sighed. “It’s the truth.” “No, it’s not.” Leaning forward, I clamped my mouth over hers, my tongue slipping into her mouth. All the pent up fear and desperation poured out of me with every push and pull, every caress and touch. I half expected her to push me away, but she didn’t. Better yet, she responded to me, her lips moving, her tongue sliding over mine. Moving her arms up, her hands skated along my waist, resting at my hips. When our lips detached, I dropped my forehead to hers. “I win, London. It’s what I do. And we’re going to fight until we win.” Lifting my head, my eyes met hers. “We’re going to beat this. Together.” Her head bobbed up and down slowly. Hope sprouted inside her wide eyes. It was nothing but a tiny seed, but it was there. I could detect it in her irises. There was a spark that wasn’t present earlier. And that was enough for me. As long as she still had some fight left within her, then it wasn’t hopeless. I nudged her. “Let’s grab a piece of paper and we’ll make out another list, okay?” Leaning down, I stole a kiss on her cheek. “And I’ll help you check off every item on it.” “It was a dumb idea anyway.” Lowering down onto the couch, she shook her head. “I can’t change the past. It’s too late for that. If I wanted to live my life I should’ve done it earlier. Instead, I’ve spent all these years hiding and covering up, never taking a risk and being completely guided by fear.” I sat next to her, snatching up her hand and knotting our fingers together. “What are you scared of?”

“Death. It’s the same thing I’ve always been scared of.” Her gaze traveled across the room, landing on the picture of her mom. “I never worried about getting sick before now though. That was never a fear of mine. The thing I’ve always been afraid of is dying the way my mom did.” “How did she die?” I asked tenderly, stroking her fingers. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “I was five. It was a Saturday, and Dad had taken me with him to the store. I remember being so excited because he let me pick out my favorite cereal. It was Lucky Charms, and Mom never let me get them. I was glad that she wasn’t with us.” Opening her eyes, guilt painted her expression. “When we got home, Dad was opening up the trunk to get the groceries out. He told me to go inside to get Mom so she could help us bring them inside. I remember that her gardening tools were out, lying in the grass. It was weird because Mom was always good about putting them away. When I got to the front door it was slightly ajar. That was odd too, but at five years old I didn’t really think much about it. Instead, I walked inside. And that’s when I saw her. Her shirt was torn, her pants down around her ankles, and there was blood everywhere. But the thing I’ve never been able to get out of my mind was her eyes. They were wide. Wider than I’d ever seen them.” London peered at me, her gaze connecting to mine. “Even in death she looked terrified.” Bile rose in my throat, and I swallowed it down. God, it was so much worse than I ever thought it would be. No child should have to endure that. Now I understood her fear of others, why she was so skittish. And it made sense why her dad was so protective of her. “Oh, London. I’m so sorry.” She bit her lip. “They caught the guy who murdered her, and he confessed. Told the whole story like he was proud of it or something.” Her eyelids fluttered, her gaze fixated on her feet. “He said she’d been outside gardening when he approached. She’d been wearing a tank top and little shorts.” London let out a bitter laugh. “He made a point of saying that in his confession, like it made a difference. Like he thought her outfit somehow had something to do with him. The guy made up some lie about his car breaking down and not having a cell phone. Mom was kind, like always. She let him inside to use our phone. That’s when he….when he…” “Shhh.” I squeezed her hand. “You don’t have to keep going. I get it.” Gratitude swept over her face. “I never trusted any guy after that. Well, until I met you.”

Drawing her close, I pressed my lips to her forehead. “I’ll never hurt you, London.” “I know.” “Do you?” “What?” She breathed out, her lips parted. “That’s why you got scared that day in the snow, right?” “Not because I was scared of you,” she said, her tone desperate. “I guess I’ve just always viewed sex as this scary thing ever since my mom died. Knowing what the man did to her--” her voice broke off, her bottom lip trembling. “Hey, what that guy did to your mom was awful and sick. But that wasn’t sex. That was violence. When sex is with the right person it is a beautiful thing, and not scary at all.” I paused, looking deep into her eyes. “But I’ll wait until you can see it that way before we do it, okay?” “Okay.” She dropped her head on my chest, her breath fanning over my skin. It felt good to have London in my arms. I thought back to that first day on the baseball field, how London wore that longsleeved shirt and I’d teased her about it. I was such a dick. If only I’d known what I do now. The sound of the garage door opening caused London’s head to jerk up. Out of the front window I could see Dexter’s car pulling into the driveway. Sniffing, London sat up. Lifting her hand, she wiped under her eyes with her index finger, and then swiped her hand under nose. Clearly she was putting on her brave face. Tires rumbled in the garage. After studying London to make sure she was all right, I patted her on the back. “I should go see if your dad needs any help. Will you be all right?” She smiled. “I can survive a few minutes alone. I’m not that close to death.” I threw her a stern look. “Not funny.” “Sorry.” She chuckled. “But seriously, I’m tired of everyone treating me like I’m so fragile.” Peeling herself from the couch, she stood. “In fact, I think I’ll help Dad too.” I didn’t bother to protest. If anything, I admired her determination. As she walked toward the kitchen, I stood and followed her. We had almost reached the kitchen when London’s body suddenly went limp. Before I could react, she slumped to the ground, her head hitting the carpet, her arms falling to her

sides. I leapt forward when her body started jerking manically, her eyelids twitching. Panic seized me, and I reeled back. “Dexter!” I hollered. “Dexter!” The door leading from the garage to the kitchen popped open, and Dexter’s head poked into the room appearing terror stricken. “What?” I struggled to catch my breath, to speak. London was still twitching and jerking around on the ground. Thank god there were no objects or furniture near her. “It’s London. She’s…I think she’s having a seizure.” Dexter sprang into action, racing into the family room and falling to his knees beside her. “Call 911. Now!” I nodded, hot and cold flashes ripping up my spine. My fingers were shaking so badly it was difficult to extract the phone from my pocket. Even when I got it out, it was a challenge to dial since my fingers were slick with sweat. Turning my back, I walked into the kitchen, unable to watch London’s seizure any longer. It was too painful. After giving all the information to the 911 operator, I returned to the family room. London’s body was still, but she was out cold. Why wasn’t she regaining consciousness? “The ambulance is on its way,” I said, my tone hollow. Dexter peered up at me, defeat written in the lines of his face. “Dexter, what’s happening?” I stared down at London’s stiff body, grateful when I detected the slight rise and fall of her chest. “I don’t know, son.” His tone was resigned. Oh hell, no. He couldn’t give up now. London was going to make it. She had to.

CHAPTER 26

London The doctor’s words had been like a splash of iced cold water to my face. They woke me up in a harsh and unforgiving way. A bone marrow transplant was my only chance of surviving this. No other treatment would work. Without a transplant, I would die. Sitting in the hospital bed, I picked at the white sheet with my fingers, fear consuming every part of my being. The window to my right overlooked another hospital building. I missed the trees outside my bedroom window, the green grass, and the colorful flowers. Everything about this place screamed death; from its sterile scent to its white walls. “Hey,” Cooper’s voice rang out in the room. I craned my neck to see him standing in the doorway. It should be a sin to look that good in a place like this. “Hey,” I responded. His brows furrowed as he came further into the room. “What’s wrong?” Grabbing the chair in the corner, he dragged it along the ground and set it next to my bed. “Besides the fact that I had a seizure earlier today and now I’m in the hospital, not much,” I said sarcastically. “But look at you now. You’re back to your old feisty self, so that’s a good sign, right?” I knew what he was trying to do. He was trying to cheer me up, to make me smile. And usually it worked. But not today. He scooted forward. “Talk to me.” “I’m scared,” I whispered. Cooper’s hands found mine, our fingers tangling together on top of the stiff sheets. “I know, baby.”

“No, I’m really scared.” My lips trembled, and a tear slid down my face. “I’m not ready to die, Coop. I’m only seventeen.” The words were coming out garbled, sobs breaking in between them. My nose dripped, my cheeks wet. Cooper released my hands and reached up to brush away the tears with his thumbs. “I thought I had my whole life ahead of me. There are so many things I haven’t done.” “And we’ll do them.” His thumb was soft and warm against my prickly, wet cheek. “When?” “When you get out of here.” “If I get out of here,” I said sourly. “You will.” His hand was still on my face. It felt good, yet I missed when his fingers used to tangle in my hair. Grabbing his hand, I lowered it into my lap and stared deeply into his eyes. I needed him to hear me, to grasp what I was saying. “Cooper.” By using his full name, I knew I had his attention. “It’s not looking promising for me. My only hope of living is to have a bone marrow transplant, and it has to be soon.” “Did they find out if your dad was a match yet?” I froze. “How did you know my dad was tested?” Dad had insisted on being tested the minute I was diagnosed in case it ever came to this. However, the doctor didn’t seem too optimistic about it. Parents are rarely matches. Siblings, however, are the best bet. Too bad I didn’t have one. “Um…” Cooper’s gaze shot to our hands. He rolled my fingers around, scrutinizing them intently. “He told me about it.” I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. It seemed that Cooper and Dad talked a lot more often than I realized. “Well, it doesn’t matter, because he’s not a match.” “He’s not?” “Nope.” Shaking my head, panic bloomed inside my chest. “So now my doctor will look through the donor registry and try to find me one.” I didn’t bother adding how dismal my chances of finding a match were.

A nurse whisked into the room, her pants whispering with each step. She was different from the one I’d had earlier. “Just need to check your vitals, hon.” “Um…that’s fine. I’m going to step out for a minute.” Cooper stood, stamping a kiss to my forehead. “I’ll be back soon.” Puzzled, I watched his retreating back as he scurried from the room. Perhaps it was finally becoming too much for him. I couldn’t even imagine how horrible it must have been for him to see me have a seizure. And now to see me lying in a hospital bed hooked up to IV’s and monitors, knowing that I may not survive. That’s some pretty heavy shit. As I held out my arm so the nurse could check my pulse rate and blood pressure, I stared at my hands, remembering how it felt when Cooper threaded his fingers through mine. Remembering how soft and warm his skin was, how it heated me up from the inside out. Closing my eyes, I conjured up the memory of his lips on mine, and I realized something. I realized that Dad was right. With Cooper I was more alive. I’d lived more in the past eight months than I had in the seventeen years before that. And maybe that was enough. After the nurse left, Dad came into the room. “How ya doing, pumpkin?” He took the chair that Cooper had vacated. When Cooper had sat in it, it had appeared normal sized, but with Dad’s massive frame the chair now resembled a child sized one. “I’ve been better,” I said, but forced a smile for Dad’s sake. I couldn’t tell him what I’d told Cooper about being scared. Dad was scared enough for the both of us, and I didn’t need to add to that. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a match.” Dad’s tone was tinged in sadness. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Hey, it’s not your fault.” Sitting up, I adjusted the pillow behind my back. However, no amount of adjusting would make this bed comfortable. I’d slept on floors more plush than this. “I know, but I wanted to be so badly.” “I know.” Out in the hall was a flurry of desperate voices, beeping, footsteps clattering. It made

my stomach clench. I longed for home, for my bed, for quiet. And I wondered if I’d ever see it again. When I pictured Dad all alone at our house, despair tugged at me. I remembered what he was like in the days following mom’s death. How he walked around wearing a lost expression, a perpetual black cloud hanging over his head. It would be too cruel for one man to endure so much loss. Then I thought about Cooper. About how I’d admitted that I loved him. About how much I’d leaned on him in the past few weeks. It wasn’t right. He’d lost too much in life already as well. Why was I holding on to him when I knew I might leave him soon? “Oh, I saw Cooper in the hall,” Dad interrupted my thoughts. “He’s heading out to take care of some stuff, but he’ll be back soon.” It was time to do the right thing, to stop prolonging the inevitable. There was no way to make this easier for Dad. He was in it for the long haul no matter what. But I could do something about Cooper. It was only going downhill from here. Let him remember me when I could still function, when I could still laugh and joke, when I could still offer him something. “Dad, when Cooper comes back, I’d like you to keep him out of my room.” “What?” Dad’s eyebrows knit together. “Why?” Shrugging, I said, “I don’t think I should see him anymore.” “But he loves you, honey.” “I know. That’s exactly why I need to end this. I’m only hurting him.” “That’s not true,” he said. “You’re not only hurting him. You’re also loving him and allowing him to love you. Pumpkin, love is a risk no matter what. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed to any of us, whether we’re sick or not. Your mom wasn’t sick when we left for the store that morning. Nothing was out of the ordinary at all.” He reached for my hand. “My point is that we never could have known what would happen. And if I had known I would lose your mom that day, I wouldn’t have loved her any less in the days leading up to it. Loving your mom has never been something I’ve regretted.” A lump made its way into my throat. Dad’s eyes found mine, the rich brown eyes that had been watching over me my entire life. The eyes that had narrowed when I was bad, that had crinkled when I made him chuckle. The eyes that appeared concerned at times, and proud at others.

“London, I’m believing in a miracle for you. But I need you to know that if we don’t find one….” His voice wavered and he paused, pressing his lips together. “If we don’t find one, and I lose you I will still consider myself the luckiest man on earth because I had the privilege of loving two of the most amazing women in the world – you and your mom. And that’s something I will never regret.” I sniffed, my fingers slick in dad’s hand. I rolled his words around in my head, but I didn’t need to think about them for very long. I knew he was right. Besides, Cooper was so persuasive, even if I tried to push him away he’d weasel his way back in. Not that I would have been able to stick to my guns for very long. I loved him too much to shut him out, no matter how noble my intentions. Dad blinked back the moisture in his eyes. Smiling, he waggled his index finger at me. “And you can stop pretending in front of me, young lady. I can handle this. I’m not going to fall apart. I have some pretty wide shoulders. Let me carry this for you.” Feeling ashamed at how I’d been behaving, I reached for him. “Dad, you are the…” I choked on the words. “You’ve always…” My throat was so thick it was almost impossible to shove the words through. “You have been…” He moved forward, slipping his arms around me. “I know, pumpkin.” I pressed my cheek to his chest as he held me. His heart thumped beneath my skin while his hand rubbed my back. “I know.”

CHAPTER 27

Cooper When I returned, London was talking with her dad. I peeked into her room and saw the tears in her eyes, the tremble of her lower lip. Dexter had a similar expression. Ducking back into the hallway, I stood against the wall, giving them privacy. Frankly, it made me happy that she was actually opening up to her dad; that they were having a heart-to-heart. I knew it was something they both needed. A doctor wearing a white lab coat walked with clipped strides past me. Two nurses pushed a man on a stretcher in the opposite direction. Across the hall, a couple stood talking with a doctor. Their faces were drawn and pale. The woman held her hand up to her mouth as if she was crying silently into her palm. My heart pinched. I’d always hated hospitals, but I hated them even more now. Bending one leg, I rested my head against the wall and shoved my hand into the pocket of my jeans. My fingers skimmed over the paper inside, and my heart skipped a beat. I didn’t want to come back until I had everything in order. Until I could give this to London. Adrenaline pumped through me as I waited with anticipation. There was nothing I liked better than surprising my girl. I loved the way her face lit up, the way her mouth curved into a broad smile that transformed her entire face. Other girls I’d dated expected gifts. They were like spoiled children on Christmas morning, always wanting more, and never satisfied with what they had. But London was nothing like that. She met everything I gave her with the same level of enthusiasm. And this was going to be the best gift yet. Dexter appeared in the hallway. When he spotted me, he walked in my direction. “How is she?” I asked. “She’s struggling today,” he said, his eyes flitting over my body. “Did you get it?” I nodded, patting my pocket. “And?” He raised one brow.

Grinning, I yanked the paper out of my pocket. It crinkled as I opened it. When I flashed it in his direction, a broad smile swept his face. “Awesome. She’ll love it.” Dexter said. “And she could use some cheering up.” “That’s what I’m here for.” I grinned. Dexter’s hand clamped down on my shoulder, his face screwing up almost like he was going to cry. “I know, and I can’t thank you enough.” I coughed, fighting back the emotion lodging in my throat. Before I could respond, Dexter wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into a hug. It was awkward and one-armed, but I appreciated it. He smacked me in the back gently, cleared his throat, and then backed away. “I’m gonna head in.” I pointed toward London’s room with my thumb. “That okay?” Sniffing, Dexter wiped his nose and nodded. With one last glance at him, I slipped into the room. London lie in the hospital bed, her face upturned, her eyes closed. The sheet came up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her middle as if she was hugging herself. She appeared so tiny and fragile in the bed. My heart squeezed. As I walked toward her, the paper in my hand trembled between my fingers. I plunked down into the seat next to London’s bed, and it shoved back a little, the legs scraping on the floor. London’s eyes popped open, her neck craning in my direction. “Oh, hey.” She smiled lazily. “It’s okay. If you’re tired you can sleep for a little awhile,” I encouraged her. “I’m not going anywhere.” As much as I wanted to give her the gift, I didn’t want her compromising her health. “I was resting my eyes a minute, but I’m fine.” “You sure?” She nodded, the movement causing her pillow to rustle. “I’d much rather spend time with you than sleep right now.” “Great, because I have something for you.” I clutched tightly to the paper in my hand, my palms filling with moisture. “More hats?” she teased. “You wish.” I scooted forward. “But no. I’ve given you all of mine. Besides, what I have today is a million times better than a hat.” Lifting the paper, I extended my hand.

“What is it?” Her fingers closed around one of the edges. “Take a look.” I could hardly contain my excitement. Her gaze connected with the paper, and her eyes narrowed, her brows furrowing. “Is this what I think it is?” Swallowing hard, I nodded. “But how? I mean, when?” She shook her head. “After I found out you were sick, I asked your dad what I could do to help, and he said I could have my bone marrow tested. So I did. It was around the same time your dad was tested.” “And you’re a match?” Her tone was one of awe. “How is that even possible?” “Well…” I moved from the chair to sit on the edge of London’s bed. “The thing is that I’m not a perfect match, but I’m close enough.” After taking a deep breath, I continued, “Your doctor didn’t find any other matches in the registry, and you need the surgery as soon as possible. So, it looks like I’m your man.” “In more ways than one.” I chuckled, reaching for her hand. “I told you we would beat this together.” A serious expression darkened her face. “But what about baseball?” “There’s only three games left in the season.” I wove my fingers through hers. “Not that it matters. You’re more important than baseball.” “Baseball means everything to you,” London argued. “Not anymore.” “Are you sure about this? I mean, it’s not like you’re donating blood.” “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. The bone marrow donation isn’t very difficult. It’s an outpatient procedure with a couple weeks of soreness. No big deal.” “So we’re really going to do this?” I nodded. “We’re really going to do this.” “See, I told you,” she said with a victorious smile. “You are my savior.” “Careful, you’re going to give me a big head.”

She giggled. “I think it’s a little too late for that.” “Hey.” I feigned offense. “Just calling it like I see it.” London giggled again, and it made my heart soar. It was the happiest I’d seen her in days. That tiny seed of hope had grown into a full-fledged flower. Nervousness wasn’t something I was used to. I wasn’t a nervous guy. Sometimes other guys got nervous before our games, but I never did. Anxious, maybe, but in a good way. It was more like an adrenaline rush, and it always helped me play better. I’d never understood when guys would say that they felt like their stomach was filled with butterflies. Until now. Arriving at the hospital for my bone marrow harvest procedure, I was nervous as hell. And now I knew what it felt like. Let me tell you, it wasn’t a bunch of sweet, pretty butterflies in my stomach, it was a swarm of bumblebees. They were eating me alive. Grandma placed a quieting hand on my arm as we checked in. “It’s going to be fine,” she spoke soothingly, the same way she did when I was sick. It usually calmed me, but today I wasn’t sure anything could. If only I could see London, then maybe I would feel better. I saw her for a little while last night. The past two weeks she went through intense conditioning to prepare her body for today, so she hadn’t been feeling great, but she was in good spirits. She was hopeful. Still, I worried. What if the transplant didn’t work? What if it made her worse? All the words the doctor spoke to us during our appointments in preparation for today flew through my mind. Every statement, every word jumbled together, tangling like a million threads of yarn. But the one phrase that stood out above all the rest was: I am not a perfect match. It was this phrase that plagued me, haunted me, mocked me. It whispered to me all night long, making sleep impossible to catch. I tossed and turned, worry holding me in its grip. What if I was making a mistake? But it’s not like I had any choice. I may not have been a perfect match, but I was a match. And I

was the only one. I was London’s only hope. And, damn, hope looked good on her. It brought the color back to her pale cheeks. It brought the light back to her eyes. I prayed it wasn’t misplaced. We were all desperate for a miracle. Please let this be it. After checking in, we sat down and waited to be called back. The nerves weren’t settling. I sat forward in my chair, struggling to take even breaths. My leg bounced up and down so violently it shook the chairs around me. My cell went off in my pocket, and I dug it out, my pulse spiking as I wondered if it was London. But it wasn’t. It was Nate. Nate: Break a leg, dude. Me: U know better than that. It was a phrase we never used before a game. It may have been nothing but a superstition, but I worried that if we said it, it would come true. Breaking your leg was not something you wanted to do as baseball player. Nate: lol Me: Thanks tho. Nate: Any time, bro. Text me later to let me know what’s up. Me: I will. I shoved the phone back into my pocket and then resumed my leg bouncing. Grandpa’s hand landed on my back as I leaned forward, resting my head in my hands. “We’re proud of you, Cooper. And I know that if your dad was here, he’d be proud of you too.” My head snapped up, my eyes locking with Grandpa’s. “You’ve worked so hard on baseball, son, and you’re the best ball player I know. Your dad would’ve been over the moon about that. But what you’re doing today shows what kind of man you are in here.” Grandpa pressed his palm to his heart. “If your parents can see you from heaven, I know their hearts are swelling with pride today.” I pressed my lips together, blinking back the tears that fought to come out. After swallowing hard a

few times, I successfully avoided a meltdown. Sighing, I sat back in my chair. “You’re doing an amazing thing for London,” Grandma said. Thoughts of my parents vanished, replaced by the image of London - about how frail and sick she was. Everyone was pinning their hopes on me. It was a huge weight to carry. “I hope it works,” I muttered into my hands. “That’s in God’s hands,” Grandma said. “All you can do is your part.” I peered up at her. “What if it’s not enough?” “Oh, Cooper, it’s always enough. You’re giving her the best gift anyone can give her – another chance at life. That’s huge.” Nodding, I swallowed hard. “I want her to live.” Reaching up, I ran my fingers through my hair. “I want a guarantee.” Grandma smiled. “Don’t we all? But there are no guarantees in this life. You know that.” And I did know that. I knew that better than anyone. After my parents died, I used to replay our last conversation over and over in my head. Only I would change it, alter certain sentences. Like sometimes I would beg them not to go, and they would acquiesce. Afterward I would feel sick, wishing that was how it really happened. If I had begged them to stay, would they have? I’d never know. I couldn’t save my parents, but with London I had a chance. It may not have been perfect, but it was a shot. And I had to take it. It was like when we were down in the ninth inning and it seemed like the game was over, but I still played with all I had. I never gave up during the game, and I wouldn’t now. I wouldn’t give up on London. Not even if she took her last breath. Even then I’d fight for her. “Cooper?” My head snapped up to Dexter. He stood in front of me wearing sweat pants, a wrinkled t-shirt. His hair was mussed, his eyes blood shot and tired. I shot out of my chair. “Is she okay?” “She’s fine,” he assured me. “I wanted to come to wish you luck.” My chest tightened. I threw a silent prayer to the heavens. Please god, let this work.

After saying hello to my grandparents he pulled me aside, asking if we could have a word in private. My stomach knotted with worry as we moved to a quiet corner. I leaned against the wall, staring into Dexter’s eyes. He wrung his hands, turning his skin red. “That first time I saw you in my house I wasn’t sure about you, Cooper,” he started, his words slow and deliberate as if he was choosing each one carefully. “You seemed like a nice guy, but I still worried, you know? I guess I never see London as a young woman. To me she’s always my baby.” His voice broke a little. I fought to keep my emotions in check. “But then you kept coming around, and I could tell you cared about her. What I’m trying to say is that I’m glad she met you. I’m glad you’re a part of our lives.” Moisture filled his eyes. “I don’t know how to thank you enough.” “You don’t have to thank me, Dexter. I’m doing this because I want to.” “I know, and that’s why it means so much. To both me and London.” “London getting better is all I want. That’s the only thanks I need.” Dexter nodded. “I hope you get your thank you.” “I’ve never wanted anything more,” I said earnestly. “Me too,” he breathed the words out, and they sounded like a prayer.

CHAPTER 28

London Nausea rolled over me. I breathed in deeply through my nose and out through my mouth in an effort to quell it. This had been happening ever since the surgery. Even though I’d been wheeled out of recovery hours ago, the nausea continued with a vengeance. The nurse assured me it was from the anesthesia and it would go away. I seriously couldn’t wait for that to happen. Lying back on the hospital bed, I stared up at the television mounted to the wall. Dad had put it on some old black and white movie before he’d stepped out to get a bite to eat. I was glad that he did. He hadn’t eaten all day. Instead, he’d been glued to my side. And during surgery he’d been too nervous to eat. But I understood. I’d been pretty darn nervous too. I hadn’t heard from Cooper, but Dad had checked on him so I knew he was doing well. Seems like we’d both come through the surgery fine. According to the surgeon there had been no complications. Now I just had to wait. The doctors and nurses would monitor me closely for signs of engraftment, meaning that new blood-forming cells would start to grow. They would also be monitoring me for signs of grafting failure. But I couldn’t even allow my mind to go there. As badly as I wanted to live, the main reason I hoped it was successful was for Cooper’s sake. I’d never seen someone as excited as he was when he gave me his results. He wanted this to work so badly. And he’d been willing to give up practice and conditioning time for it. That may not have seemed like a big deal to most people, but I knew it was for Cooper. He rarely went a day without working on his pitching arm. However, deep in my heart doubts resided. Before the surgery I’d made the mistake of googling bone marrow transplants. There were stories of success, but also stories of kids my age and even younger dying despite receiving a transplant. And I worried that I would be like them. That I would become another statistic, another story you could google on the internet.

If I died now, I’d never go to college, I’d never become a reporter, I’d never write that novel. And worse yet, I’d have to leave my dad and Cooper. I’d never been one of those girls who dreamt of their wedding day, or fantasized about one day being a mom. In fact, when I envisioned my future I was always alone. I was hitting the streets in my power suit, interviewing people and sharing it with the world. But now I sort of wanted that. I wanted a family one day – a man who loved me unconditionally, and children I could love and care for the way Dad had done for me. Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes. I blew out a breath as another wave of nausea crashed over me. Reaching over, I clicked off the TV, and my room was silent. Well, kind of silent. Noises still abounded in the hallway – shoes squeaking on linoleum, papers shuffling, machines beeping, wheels rolling on the ground, and people chattering. But in my room it was just me and my thoughts. Even though the door was open, the curtain to my right was dragged closed blocking me from the doorway. Lying back on my pillow, I thought about my mom. Not the one lying in a pool of her own blood with terrified eyes, but the mom she was prior to that. In the years since her death, I rarely allowed myself to think of her. Mostly because it was impossible to think about her without remembering the way she appeared when she was dead. That image of her was burned into my brain, branding me. Dad regretted sending me inside first, but how could he have known. I didn’t blame him, but I did wish I hadn’t seen her like that. I wished my last memory of her had been from earlier in that day, when she’d kissed me goodbye before Dad and I went to the store. The way she smelled like vanilla, the way her pink lips had stamped a lipstick stain to my cheek. The way she’d wiped it away gently and laughed. I wanted to only remember the woman who had danced with me in the kitchen while she cooked, who tucked me in at night and read me stories. Mom liked to do all the voices. She was definitely the most animated storyteller I’d ever known. After she died, I never read any of the stories she’d read to me. I’d thrown all the books away. When Dad found them in the trash, he fished them out and attempted to read them to me, trying to emulate her voices. But it wasn’t the same, and that made it even more painful. I ended up bursting into tears and cried myself to sleep that night. The following day I saw them back in the trash, and we never spoke of it again. In the months after her death, I longed for her in a way that made it hard to draw breath. But as the

months turned into years, Dad was able to fill the void. Now I rarely wished for her. Dad gave me what I needed for the most part. But right now I wanted my mom. I wanted her to hold me. I wanted her to tell me everything would be all right, that if I never got to be a wife and mom that my life would still have meaning. I wanted her to stroke my head and kiss my cheek. In her arms I thought that maybe I would believe I could survive anything. Even dying. With tears in my eyes, I whispered into the quiet room, “Mom, can you hear me? I like to think that maybe you’re somewhere out there, watching over me. My own guardian angel perhaps.” I smiled. “Maybe you’re the one who sent Cooper to me. If so, thank you. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through any of this without him. And now it seems he may have saved my life.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I miss you, Mom. I miss you every day. And I need you. Now more than ever.” I paused, glancing around the empty room. “If I don’t make it, I like to think that maybe I’ll end up where you are. That maybe we’ll finally have a chance to be together. Maybe then dying won’t be so bad.” Footsteps sounded in the hallway. Clamping my mouth shut, I listened. When no one entered the room, I continued, “But I don’t think I’m ready, Mom. Don’t get me wrong. I want to see you, but maybe not just yet. Dad needs me. And I like it here. I’m in love. I’m happy. Anyway, if you have any pull with the man upstairs, I’d like you to ask him to give me more time here.” “Pumpkin?” Dad’s voice sounded from the other side of the curtain. He dragged it open a little bit, and it rattled on the pole. When his face came into view he wore a mask over his mouth, similar to the one the surgeon had worn. Apparently all my visitors and nurses had to wear them since I was so susceptible to infection. “There’s someone here to see you.” My heart skipped a beat and I sat up, wiping the traces of tears from my face. “You all right?” Dad asked, taking in my face. His voice was muffled behind the mask. “Fine.” I nodded. His gaze scoured the room. “Were you talking to someone?” “Nope.” I shook my head. “Hey, girl.” Skyler peeked around the curtain wearing the same kind of mask. It was blue, and it

covered her mouth, held in place by strings that looped around her ears. I was momentarily bummed that it wasn’t Cooper, but that quickly faded to happiness at seeing my friend. “Hey, Sky.” Dad bowed out into the hallway while Skyler stepped into the room, hugging herself, her gaze shifting uncomfortably. She stayed close to the curtain as if she was being held in place by an invisible rope. “I’m not going to bite,” I teased. Her face relaxed a little at my statement, and she walked in further. Still she kept her distance. The nurses probably had told her too, so I didn’t push it. “How are you?” She spoke in a slightly muffled voice, and it was weird that I couldn’t see her mouth moving. Just the rustle of the paper mask where her lips would be. “I sorta feel like I was hit by a truck.” “That’s better than a bus.” She plopped down into a nearby chair. “True.” I glanced up at the clear liquid bag attached to my IV. “Maybe this is pain meds they’re feeding me.” “If it is, let’s hope they keep ‘em coming.” “Right?” Another wave of nausea hit me, and I closed my eyes warding it off. “You okay?” I nodded. When it faded, I opened my eyes again. “Felt sick for a minute.” “You need me to get a nurse?” Her eyes flitted to the doorway. “Nah, it’s just the effects of the anesthesia. I’ll be fine.” She sat back in her chair, throwing a strand of her dark hair over her shoulder. “It’s super boring at home without you.” My lips tugged at the edges. “Your brothers still driving you nuts?” “Always.” She studied my face. “It’ll be better when you come home.” “I’ll be home soon, Sky.” She nodded, her eyes betraying the emotion she felt. Blinking, she sighed. “So, how romantic is it

that Cooper gave you his bone marrow? I mean, it’s like something out of a freaking movie. Bella and Edward have nothing on you two now.” I giggled. “I’m glad you’re here, Sky.” “I’m glad you’re here too, London.” Now the trick was going to be staying here. “I can see my bone marrow is already working,” Cooper said when he entered my room the day after the surgery, wearing his own mask. I longed to see his lips, to take in his whole face. “What are you talking about?” I asked softly, careful not to wake up Dad who was sound asleep in the chair by my bed. His eyes lifted to the television where a baseball game was playing. Giggling, I shook my head. Reaching down, I powered off my Kindle and set it on the table next to my bed. “Dad was watching it before he fell asleep. I was reading.” He came to stand over my bed, and I noticed he was moving slowly. There was a slight limp to his gait. “I thought maybe you were becoming more like me now.” “I don’t think it works like that. They harvested your bone marrow, not your brain.” “Thank god. I would not want you having a peek in here.” He pointed to the top of his head. “Really?” I raised a brow. “Why not? Do you have something to hide, Coop?” He glanced over at Dad. Then he bent down a little and whispered, “Just the thoughts I have about you. Not all of them are G rated.” I shivered. “Oh, yeah?” “Yeah.” He nodded. “And most of them involve you wearing this hat, right here.” He pointed to the Tigers’ hat that sat on the table near my bed. Even though I probably wouldn’t wear it in the hospital, I liked having it close. It reminded me of Cooper, so even when he wasn’t here, a part of him was with me. “This hat, huh?” I glanced over at it, smiling. “Yep, and that’s it.” My cheeks colored.

“But don’t worry.” He eyed my dad, speaking in a low voice. “I’m a patient guy. We’ll wait until you’re ready.” Now it was my turn to glance over at Dad. I couldn’t see his mouth behind the mask, but I could hear his deep breathing, and I imagined his mouth was hanging open. His arms dangled at his sides, and his eyes were closed. Thank god he was still asleep. There was no way I’d want him to overhear what Cooper had said. I certainly wasn’t ready for that, but I hoped that I would be one day. And if I was, I knew I’d want it to be with Cooper. He’d proven that he could be trusted. In fact, his body was a part of mine already. Cooper dragged over a chair and plunked into it. “How ya feeling today?” “Good. What about you? I couldn’t help but notice you’re moving kinda slow.” He nodded. “A little sore. Nothing I can’t handle.” “Me too.” “That’s because my girl is tough.” I smiled. “Sometimes. I have my moments when I feel like I might fall apart.” “But you don’t. That’s what’s important. And if you ever do fall apart, I’ll be here to catch you.” “I know you will.” “I love you, London.” “I love you too, Cooper.”

EPILOGUE

Cooper “This good?” I helped London sit down on the red plaid blanket I’d spread out in the grass. “Perfect.” She stretched out her legs, tilting her head toward the sky. She wasn’t directly in the sun because I’d set our blanket in the shade, but it was still warm out here. By the expression on her face, it was clear she liked it. I sank down beside her. It was the end of the summer, and London was recovering well. Engraftment had happened quickly for her, and her white blood count rose within the first month of the surgery. I teased her all the time, saying that clearly her body liked mine. She would laugh, but I noticed she didn’t deny it. “Are you all packed?” London asked, running a hand over her head. Her hair had grown back a little. It was coming in thick and dark, not quite the same golden color as before, but close. She said she missed her old color, but I thought this suited her better. It made her eyes stand out even more. “Almost.” My heart ached when I thought of leaving for Fallbrook. It had been my dream to pitch for the Fallbrook Falcons for years. And a part of me was excited. But mostly I was heartbroken over leaving London. In fact, I’d almost turned them down. But London talked me into waiting until we knew if the transplant worked. Once we found out that it had, she insisted that I go and pursue my dream. Still, I wasn’t sure I could do it. Ultimately it was Dexter who had talked me into leaving. He and I had become close since the surgery. We took turns caring for London, and because of this Dexter had been able to return to work at the auto shop a few days a week. When I told him how I planned to turn down the Fallbrook offer and stay here to attend junior college, he stopped me. “If you truly love London, you’ll go to Fallbrook.” His words surprised me. How would leaving London prove that I loved her? “If you stay, London will feel guilty and you’ll end up resenting her. Trust me, I know what I’m

talking about. I’ve been around a lot longer than you, son.” At the time I’d argued with him, but he was insistent. A part of me wondered if it was his way of getting rid of me. London and I were pretty serious. Maybe that scared him. But deep down I knew that wasn’t right. Dexter loved me like a son. Anyone could see that. Even my grandparents had commented on it. As I mulled over Dexter’s words, I knew he was correct. If I gave up my dream to stay here with London, she would feel guilty. Her selflessness was one of the things I loved most about her. And, the truth was that this was my one shot at possibly playing professionally one day. If I gave that up, it stood to reason that I would resent her at some point. As much as I loved London, I loved baseball too. And I owed it to both of us to see where it took me. Besides, London planned to go to college too. Maybe not away. That hadn’t been decided yet. But she still had a whole year to figure it out, to get stronger and healthier. I hated thinking of her finishing up her last year of Gold Rush High without me there to protect her. But she had Skyler, so I knew she’d be fine. Speaking of which, Skyler’s head appeared in the window next door. I swear that girl lived with her nose pressed against that glass. London and I both waved from where we sat in London’s front yard before Skyler disappeared from sight. “You better get packing, Coop,” London said. “You’re running of time.” “Any chance I can pack you away in my suitcase?” I nudged her in the leg. “I don’t think I’d fit,” she bantered back. “Oh, I think you would, Miss Skinny Minnie.” I squeezed her slender leg. She giggled. “That tickles.” “It does, huh?” “Oh, no. Now I’ve only encouraged you.” She scooted away from me slowly. I gently tickled her leg, crawling nearer to her. She giggled as my fingers played with her tender flesh. But I knew I couldn’t go much farther. Her body was still recovering. After I drew my hand back, she lowered her body down onto the blanket until her back was flush against it. I stared down at her as

she breathed, her chest rising and falling swiftly. God, I liked to watch her breathe. I loved seeing her alive and thriving. And I loved knowing that a part of me was in her body, that my cells were working their magic, healing her from the inside out. Lying next to her, I wove our fingers together and stared up into the trees. Sunlight spilled through the leaves painting triangles of light on our legs. My toe touched hers. She wriggled it, displaying her pink polish. Dang, it was sexy. Turning my head, I stole a kiss on her cheek. Swiveling her neck, she faced me. Her eyes sparkled in the sunlight, the flecks looking even more gold than usual. “God, you’re breathtaking,” I told her, and her eyelashes fluttered. “I’m going to miss the hell out of you.” Reaching up, my fingers lit on her soft skin. “Me too.” “But I’ll call and text every day.” “You better.” My fingers trailed her flesh, touching her chin, her cheek, then gliding over her lips. “I will. And you better promise to keep me up to date on your health.” “My body is healing, Coop.” Her breath was hot against my fingers. “You don’t have to worry so much.” “Promise me.” God, she was stubborn. “I promise.” Moving forward, our lips touched. A spark like static electricity shot through my body as our mouths connected. Her lips parted, eager, and our tongues melded together. My hand slid down her chin and skated down her neck. Warm fingers fanned my chest, tugged on the bottom of my shirt. When her hand slipped under the edge, I sucked in a breath. Her palm felt good as it slid up my bare chest, skimming over my muscles. Our mouths ground together, our teeth bumping. It was like we couldn’t get enough. I growled and kissed her more firmly. A tiny moan at the back of her throat was her response. Her hand explored every inch of my chest, the pads of her fingers gliding over the muscles before curving around my shoulder.

“I love you, Cooper,” she spoke against my mouth. I tasted her words, savoring them. When I met London I hadn’t been looking for love. In fact, I had been avoiding it, running from it even. I thought it was something I didn’t want. But I had been wrong. Loving London was the best thing that had ever happened to me. “I love you too.” I kissed her again. “Always.”

FOR THE GAME Amber Garza

CHAPTER 1

London Always. It was the last word Cooper said to me when he left for college a week ago, and I had been clinging to that word ever since. Not like it was the first time he’d said it. The word had sort of become our mantra. In the weeks leading up to his departure he’d whisper it into my ear, his breath tickling the sensitive flesh and causing chills to skitter down my spine. “I love you, London,” he’d say. “Always.” But it was that last time that I kept replaying in my head. Closing my eyes, I’d conjure up the feel of his lips against mine, soft and moist when he kissed me goodbye. I’d imagine the way his hands felt as they touched my back and slid up to my neck, the pads of his fingers trailing my skin. And I’d picture the intensity behind his eyes, the fire that danced in his irises, seeming to convey all the words left unspoken. When our gazes locked, I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying what I desperately wanted to. I swallowed down the words, the letters sticking to my tongue and burning the back of my throat. Please stay. Don’t leave me. But I couldn’t ask that of him. It would be selfish and cruel. So, instead I watched him walk away from me. I watched his back, taking in the slope of his shoulders, the contours of his body that were so familiar to me. I stared at him until he disappeared from view. And only then did I allow myself to cry, the tears I’d held back finally falling from my eyes and slipping down my cheeks. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry in front of him, and I hadn’t. But I’d made up for it this past week. Moisture seemed to fill my eyes so easily, my lips trembling at the most inopportune times. It’s not like he was gone for good. And we talked every day on the phone. We even skyped sometimes. Not to mention the million texts we exchanged throughout the day. But still, it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t hold his hand or feel his arms around me. He wasn’t here to calm my nerves about going back to school or assure me that everything would be fine at my next doctor’s appointment.

Phone calls, texts and skype chats were great, but I would give anything to see Cooper in person. Sometimes when we skyped I’d reach out and touch the screen, wishing I could magically reach through it and run my fingers over the light dusting of stubble on his chin, or the hair that was growing back thick over his head. When my fingertips brushed the screen, I would groan. November was too far away. It seemed impossible that I would survive without seeing him until then. “Are you still sulking?” Skyler poked her head in my room, her eyebrows arched. I flinched from where I sat on the bed, not having heard Dad let Skyler in. “I’m not sulking.” “Might want to inform your face.” Skyler walked inside, plunking down on the edge of my bed and almost sitting on my left foot. I pulled my legs in closer to me, tucking them up against my chest. “It’s not like he’s gone forever.” Skyler tucked a lock of dark hair behind her ear, and it made me itch to do the same. I missed my long golden hair. Reaching up, I ran my fingers over the short strands. It was at least growing back, but I still felt like a boy. Just another thing I missed about Cooper. He wasn’t here to tell me that I looked like a girl. Dad told me I was beautiful all the time, but he had to. He was my dad. It was different when Cooper said it. “I know he isn’t gone forever,” I responded to Skyler. “Then stop pouting.” Skyler gave me a pointed look. “We go back to school tomorrow, so let’s go do something fun today.” Inwardly, I groaned. I had been refusing to think about school. It was not something I was looking forward to. At least Calista and her friends would all be gone. They graduated with Cooper. Still, they weren’t the only people who bullied me. Not to mention the fact that I hadn’t been to school since I had gotten sick. I was sure everyone knew about the cancer by now, and I wasn’t ready to face them. Not yet. Maybe when my hair grew back. But waiting wasn’t an option. This was my senior year, and if I had any hope of getting into college I had to finish strong. That dream alone would have to get me through this year. Perhaps I could even get into Fallbrook University and join Cooper. That’s what I was secretly hoping, even though I didn’t dare speak the words aloud. I knew better than anyone how life could change in an instant, so the last thing I wanted to do was get Cooper’s hopes up, or worry my dad. Therefore, I

kept my goals to myself and focused on surviving one day at a time. “I don’t really feel like going anywhere today, Sky.” “You never feel like going anywhere.” She leaned back on her elbows, her long hair fanning over my comforter. “But you’re healthy now, and Cooper can still call you on your cell, so there’s no reason to stay locked away in this room.” The word “healthy” always rubbed me the wrong way. On the one hand, I wanted to be treated like I was healthy. I was tired of being treated like a fragile, sick person. Yet on the other hand, I felt the word carried with it expectations. Like there was so much riding on my health. Like I would be letting everyone down if I got sick again. And that scared the shit out of me. “I like it in my room.” My fingers found the Kindle lying near my thigh. “And you know that has nothing to do with Cooper or the cancer.” “Yes, I know all too well what a homebody you are.” I smiled. “Then you understand.” “I didn’t say that.” Skyler stood, reaching for me. “I’m not leaving until you agree to go out with me, so you might as well give in. Make it easier on the both of us.” “Man, you are so pushy.” “Then you understand,” she said, using my own statement against me. I chuckled. Even though I was a little annoyed, I was also impressed. Skyler always had an assertiveness that I wished I could possess. In fact, there were a lot of things about Skyler that I’d always admired. We were night and day different, and a part of me always longed to be more like her. “Fine.” I sat up. “Where do you want to go?” “Don’t look so scared. It’s not like I’m going to make you go clubbing or something. I just want to go into Old Town. Maybe grab an ice cream cone.” I guess that didn’t sound too terrible. And it might be nice to get out of the house. My gaze flickered to the window, at the blue sky and golden sunshine. A dose of vitamin D would do me some good, and now that Skyler mentioned it, my tongue was salivating for ice cream. “Okay.” I slid off my bed, my bare feet hitting the floor. I wore a t-shirt and jean shorts, so I

reached for a pair of flip-flops from the ground. Before meeting Cooper, I never would have worn this outfit. I wouldn’t have been caught dead in shorts. Not that I dressed skimpy now. In fact, when I glanced over at Skyler’s tank top that showed off her belly, and shorts that barely skimmed her butt, I realized that I was still dressed pretty conservatively since my shorts fell to my knees and my t-shirt was baggy. But at least my legs were bare. I still sometimes felt fearful, my mother’s death never far from my mind. However, Cooper had proven to me that not all guys were bad. And he helped me to loosen up, live a little. With my flip-flops slapping against my heels, I headed to my dresser. When I reached it, my gaze drifted between my wig and the pile of Cooper’s hats. I touched the wig, the strands coarse in my fingers. When Cooper first left for college I worried about him being surrounded by beautiful college girls. Healthy girls with full heads of hair and bodies that hadn’t undergone surgery or chemo. All my old insecurities rose to the surface, and I began to doubt Cooper’s feelings for me. So the first time he skyped me I wore my wig, and even put on a little makeup. It only took one minute into our conversation before Cooper asked me what was going on. When I shamefully confessed what I’d been feeling, he demanded that I take off the wig. And then he told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and the only girl who held his heart, so I had nothing to worry about. Smiling at the memory, I plucked up one of Cooper’s hats and placed it on my head. “Ready?” Skyler asked. I glanced at the mirror catching her in the reflection where she stood behind my shoulder. “Yep.” “Cool.” I trailed behind Skyler as we headed out of my room and down the hallway. Dad sat on the couch watching sports on the TV. His head bobbed up when we entered the family room. “Where are you girls off to?” I noticed he couldn’t help the grin that jumped to his lips. He’d probably been concerned with all the time I’d been spending in my room lately. It made me feel a little guilty. The last thing I wanted to do was worry Dad. “Going to Sutter Street,” I said. “Maybe grab an ice cream cone. You want anything?” “Nope. I’m good. You girls have fun.”

“Thanks.” I walked to him and gently kissed his cheek. “See you in a little while.” Dad smiled at me before returning his attention back to the TV. Skyler flung open the front door, and the two of us stepped outside. The August heat enveloped me, the sun beating down on my body, harsh and unforgiving. By the time we reached Skyler’s car, sweat had gathered along my shoulder blades and slid down my spine. Thank god I was wearing shorts. I would have baked in pants. It must have been over one hundred degrees. That ice cream cone was sounding better and better every minute. As I slid into the passenger seat, my phone vibrated in my pocket. After closing the door, I yanked my phone out of my pocket. Cooper: Hey, what r u doing? The door slammed as Skyler hopped into the driver’s side. I typed back swiftly with my thumbs as Skyler started the engine. Me: Hanging out with Skyler. We r going to Sutter Street and getting ice cream. Skyler pulled away from the curb and drove down the street. Cooper: I’m glad u r out. Wish I was with u tho. Me: Me 2. “Is that Cooper?” Skyler peered over at me, her lips curling at the edges. I nodded. “See, what did I tell you? You two are still attached at the hip even though he’s miles away.” Giggling, I glanced back down at the phone. Me: What r u doing? Cooper: Hanging out with some of guys from the dorm. My stomach tightened. Don’t get me wrong. I was happy that he was making friends, but it was also hard. Skyler may have joked about Cooper and I being attached at the hip, but it was the truth. In the months prior to him leaving we were together all the time, so it was weird for me that he was now hanging out with people I’d never met. Me: Fun. Cooper: Not as fun as hanging out with u.

He always knew the right thing to say. Me: I know. I miss u. Cooper: Miss u 2. Have fun and say hi to Skyler for me. Me: I will. Luv u Cooper: Luv u 2 I shoved the phone into my pocket, my neck craning in Skyler’s direction. “Cooper says hi.” “What’s he doing today?” “Hanging out with some guys from his dorm.” Her head swiveled toward me. “You say that like you just ate a sour candy. What’s up?” I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I just worry a little bit, you know?” “About what?” Biting my lip, I wondered how much I should share. “Just that we’re so far apart, and he’s meeting new people. College-aged people. People who are healthy and--” “London,” Skyler interrupted me, as she flicked on the blinker and neared a corner. “Cooper loves you. I mean, really loves you. Like so much it makes me sick. He stood by you through your cancer and all the shit you went through last year. Hell, he gave you a part of his body. He’s not going to meet a new girl at college. Trust me on this.” Nodding, I clasped my hands in my lap, desperately wanting to believe her words. It was the same thing my dad had said, and Cooper had assured me of it many time. So why couldn’t I quell this nagging in my gut? It didn’t feel like needless anxiety. It sort of felt like a premonition.

CHAPTER 2

Cooper I stretched my legs out on my bed and set the laptop on my thighs. Warmth seeped through my jeans as I opened it, the black screen greeting me. Reaching down, I ran the pad of my index finger over the mouse pad and my lock screen appeared. A picture of London wearing my hat and a large smile stared back at me. The door in front of me popped open, and my roommate Justin appeared. He smelled like soap and aftershave. The scent was so overpowering, I resisted the urge to cough. His wide shoulders hit the doorframe as he barreled into the room. After slamming the door behind him, he dropped a small black bag, which I assumed held his toiletries, down on his unkempt bed. “So, you coming out with us tonight?” Justin asked in his gruff voice. Every time he spoke it reminded me of sandpaper rubbing together. “Nah.” I shook my head. I’d only been here a week and already it was pretty obvious that the only reason Justin went away to college was to party all the time. I couldn’t wait to get to know the guys on the baseball team. I figured they would be more like me, more focused, more studious, more motivated. Next week I’d at least have the opportunity to interact with some of the players when we started our individual practices. Team practices wouldn’t happen until mid-October. But I was excited to get plugged in and meet the other players. I mean, Justin was an okay guy, and I was glad to have made a friend so quickly. As far as roommates went, I knew it could have been a lot worse. I’d heard horror stories from guys on the high school baseball team who went away to college and had to room with total jerks. Still, he and I were very different. He clearly had skated into college on his father’s money, while I had worked my ass off to get here. School wasn’t important to Justin; his social life was what mattered to him. But school mattered to me, and so did baseball. I wasn’t about to screw any of this up just to go out and party. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with London. “Dude, please don’t tell me you’re gonna sit in here and skype with your girl back home all night.” I grinned, glancing down at my laptop. “Okay, I won’t tell you then.”

Justin grimaced, running a hand over his dark hair. “Seriously, man, I don’t get it. There are tons of hot girls here that you can hook up with. Girls who will make you forget your girlfriend even exists.” “I don’t want to forget that London exists,” I said simply. “And for the record, that would never happen anyway.” Justin snorted. “Trust me, you’ll be singing a different tune in a month or so.” “I doubt it.” “She’s still in high school, man. She can’t compare to the chicks here.” “You’re wrong.” I bristled at his statement. “It’s the chicks here who can’t compare to her. Hell, there’s not a chick on earth who can compare to her.” Justin shook his head. “Am I rooming with a girl? God, I gotta get outta here and grab a beer after this conversation. You’re the most pussy-whipped guy I’ve ever met.” My laptop beeped, signaling a skype call, and my head jerked downward. “I’ll leave you to it. Wouldn’t want you to miss your call from the old ball and chain.” Justin chuckled as he headed out of the dorm room. “If you change your mind, text me.” I nodded, knowing that wasn’t going to happen. Then I hurriedly answered the skype call. London’s face filled the frame, one of my Tigers hats perched on top of her head. She blinked her wide eyes and my heart melted. “Hey, baby,” I said. “Hey, Coop.” My heart soared at the use of my nickname. No one here called me that, and hearing it from her lips ushered me back home. “I miss you.” The words slid from my mouth almost involuntarily. Seeing her always did this to me. It reminded me of how much I longed for her; how much I wanted to sweep her into my arms, kiss her lips, stroke her face. It was almost unbearable to see her on the screen and know I couldn’t touch her; to know that she was so far away. “I miss you too,” she responded, her lyrical voice floating through the speakers. “Did you have fun today with the guys?”

I nodded. “It was okay. I just went to lunch with my roommate Justin and a couple of his friends.” “Guy friends?” “Huh?” My brows furrowed in confusion. “You said you went to lunch with Justin and his friends. Guys or girls?” “Is that jealousy I detect in your voice?” I teased, but when her cheeks flushed I wished I hadn’t. “Guys, of course.” The relief in her expression was evident, and I was glad that I had decided to stay home tonight. London was obviously having a hard time with me being at college, and I didn’t want to give her any more reasons to worry. “It’s good that you’re making friends,” she said. Shrugging, my lips curved at the edges. “I don’t know if I’d call Justin a friend. He’s mostly just my roommate. I have a feeling I’ll get along a lot better with the guys from the team.” I paused, studying her face through the screen. “London, you know you can trust me, right?” Biting her lip, her head gently bobbed up and down. “We may be apart physically, but in my heart I’m right beside you. My feelings for you are just as strong today as they were before I left. You have nothing to worry about, okay?” “Okay,” she spoke softly. “I’m sorry, Coop. I do trust you. I don’t know why I was acting so weird and suspicious.” “It’s okay. I get it. This whole long distance thing is new to us. But we figured out how to be together when the odds were against us, and we figured out how to survive your illness. We’ll figure this out too.” Her smile broadened, and a sense of satisfaction swelled inside of me. “So are you excited about practices this week?” “Yeah, I am. What about you? How are you feeling about starting school tomorrow?” She wrinkled her nose as if she’d just caught a whiff of something stinky. “Why did you have to remind me?” I chuckled. “It’s not like you can stay in denial forever. Tomorrow morning’s coming quick.”

“Thanks. That’s super helpful.” “I’m sorry, baby.” Out of habit, my arm shot out and my fingers brushed the screen, trailing over her face. God, what I wouldn’t give to feel her flesh against my skin. “But you’ll be fine.” Her eyelids fluttered as if she could feel my fingertips. “I wish you were going with me.” “I do too. You have no idea how much.” She giggled. “You do not. You’re finally out of high school. You’re living your dream. The last thing you’d want to do was come back here.” Her words cut to my heart. “That’s where you’re wrong. I’d give anything to go back home and be with you, London.” She froze. “Don’t say that.” “It’s true.” “But this is your dream. It’s what you want more than anything. You’ve worked your entire life to be there.” “That was before we met. Now there’s nothing in this world that I want more than you.” “You better stop talking like that or I’m going to beg you to come back.” She grinned. “I’d come back in a heartbeat if you asked me to.” It scared me how serious I was. As much as I wanted to be here, I meant what I said. London meant more, and I’d get on a plane and head home without ever looking back if she needed me. “You’re feeling okay, right?” The smile vanished from her face. “Coop, I’m not sick. My last appointment went well. I feel fine. You don’t need to worry. God, is that why you were saying all that? Because you thought I was sick again?” “No. I would come back for you whether you were sick or not. But, I’m not gonna lie, if you were sick again, I’d be back in an instant.” “Well, you don’t need to hurry back. I’m not sick.” She sighed. “And I’m not going to ask you to come home. I’ve seen you play ball. You belong on that field.” “I know, and the fact that you get that is just one more reason I love you so much.” I ran a hand over my head. “Encouraging me to stay only makes me want to be with you even more, you know?”

She blew out a breath, a slight giggle on the tail end of it. “God, I can’t win with you.” “Yes, you can. You win every time with me, baby.”

CHAPTER 3

London Staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I adjusted the wig on my head for the thousandth time. Then I blew out a frustrated breath. God, it looked so fake. It was totally obvious that it wasn’t my real hair. There was no way I could walk around school like this. The teasing would be endless. Then again, the alternative would be worse. Then I’d be walking around with hair like a boy’s. Grunting, I flung myself down on the closed toilet seat and put my head in my hands. I’d never liked high school. I was never accepted, and I didn’t really fit in anywhere. School was the place where my uniqueness seemed to stand out the most; where I felt awkward and different. For years I’d roamed the campus feeling like no one understood me. And now things were even worse. Now I wasn’t just the girl with her nose in a book who preferred fictional characters to real people. Now I was the girl with cancer. The girl with hardly any hair and an emaciated body. I could practically already hear the teasing now. I could only imagine the types of insults that would be hurled at me today. Maybe going back to school was a bad idea. Perhaps I could stay home and get my GED. Would that be so bad? My phone vibrated from where it lay on the counter. I lunged for it, snatching it up. As I did, my wig slipped down, strands of hair tickling my forehead and falling into my eyes. Annoyed, I slipped it off and flung it down on the counter before answering my phone. “Hey,” Cooper’s voice met my ears, warm and rich. I melted at the sound of it. “How’s my girl?” “Not great,” I answered honestly. “What’s going on?” Standing up, I caught my reflection in the mirror again. My face was drawn and pale, and the short strands of my hair stuck up all over my head. My stomach clenched, and anxiety gripped me tightly. “I don’t think I can do it, Coop.” “Do what?” “Go to school and face everyone.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I can’t wear this wig. It looks

ridiculous, but if I don’t wear it I look even more ridiculous.” “Okay, first off,” he said firmly, “don’t ever talk about my girlfriend like that again.” A slight giggle tumbled from my lips. At first I thought he was actually angry with me about something. “Second, if anyone messes with you I’ll fly back and kick their ass.” I sobered up, knowing he was serious. And I was ashamed to admit how much I would enjoy seeing Cooper stick up for me that way. “And third, you never look ridiculous.” I snorted. “You wouldn’t say that if you could see me right now.” “I’d give anything to see you right now, London. And trust me, the word ridiculous would never come out of my mouth. Gorgeous, yes. Sexy, hell yes. Hot, oh yeah. But ridiculous, never.” This time when my gaze met my reflection I was surprised to see a slight flush to my cheeks, and my lips curving upward. Even my eyes seemed to hold a spark they hadn’t earlier. It was amazing the effect Cooper had on me. If only he wasn’t a year ahead of me in school. What I wouldn’t give to have his hand in mine when I entered the school today. That would surely keep the haters at bay. People liked Cooper. They cared what he thought. He was popular and charismatic, a guy everyone wanted to be liked by. He shielded me from a lot when he was around. Without him I felt naked, exposed, and vulnerable. I didn’t like it one bit. “London?” His voice caught my attention. For one second it was like he was in the room. “Yeah?” “You can do this. You’re stronger than you think you are. You always have been.” I breathed deeply. “You really think so?” “I know so. It’s what first attracted me to you.” It still seemed unfathomable that I ended up with Cooper Montgomery. A year ago I never would’ve believed it was possible. I never would’ve dreamed that a guy like him could fall for someone like me. Now I could hardly imagine my life before he was in it. He’d fit into my life seamlessly, as if he had always been there. “Really? I thought it was my sexy outfit.” I chuckled. “Or maybe it was my

klutziness.” “Now that I think about it, your klutziness really is the reason we’re together.” I froze, pondering his words. “No, it’s not.” I remembered falling all over his grandma at the first baseball game I attended. Of course I didn’t know it was his grandma at the time, but still it was embarrassing. “Think about it. Our relationship sort of started the day you fell off your bike.” “True,” I agreed, a little uneasy at the odd turn our conversation had taken. “Are you saying that if that day had never happened we wouldn’t have gotten together?” I liked to think that Cooper and I were meant to be. That even if I hadn’t fallen off my bike eventually we would’ve ended up together. That fate would’ve made sure of it. “Oh, hell no. Trust me, I would’ve found my way to you, London.” I bit my lip, grateful for his response. “Your klutziness just moved things along more quickly.” He paused, and I listened to his breath through the line. “That day I was so impressed with your strength and bravery. I was drawn to you in a way I’d never been drawn to any girl before. And after that I could never get you out of my head.” “You say that like it’s a bad thing,” I teased. “At the time I thought it was. And I was scared.” I remembered. I had been scared too. “But I’m glad that I didn’t let fear hold me back. I’m glad I took a risk. It was worth it.” “We’re not talking about you and I anymore, are we?” “You’re gonna be fine today, London. I have faith in you.” If only I could’ve been as confident about it as he was. Cooper’s words replayed over and over in my head as Skyler pulled her car into the school parking lot. I have faith in you. I have faith in you. I clung to those words like a lifeline. And I guess that’s what they were. They were the only thing keeping me upright, the only thing keeping me from sinking. Reaching up, I adjusted the Tigers hat on my head. In the end I had decided against the wig. I

knew many of my teachers probably wouldn’t let me wear the hat during class, and that would mean I’d have to take it off, exposing my short hair. Still, I felt more natural that way than wearing that horrible wig. Besides, Cooper’s hats gave me courage. It was like when I wore them he was with me. And if I couldn’t have him by side with fingers threaded through mine, wearing his hat was the next best thing. I flinched when my phone vibrated from my pocket. Once I yanked it out, I glanced down at it. Cooper: R u at school yet? Skyler parked and cut the engine. Students filled the lot, all walking in different directions. Brightly colored backpacks blurred past, a kaleidoscope of colors. Me: Yes. Cooper: R u wearing one of my hats? Me: Yes. Cooper: Which one? “Are you coming or you going to stay in the car texting your boyfriend all day?” Skyler asked, mock irritation in her voice. But she wore a kind smile, so I knew she was only teasing. “Don’t tempt me,” I told her. Her hand landed on my shoulder. “It’s going to be fine.” “You sound like Cooper.” Her gaze landed on my phone. “Well, then I guess you should listen to us.” I nodded, shooting a text off to Cooper before reaching for the doorknob on the passenger side door. Me: Your favorite one. After opening the door I stepped outside and reached inside for my backpack. In my hand the phone vibrated again. After strapping on my backpack, I looked at it. Crisp morning air circled me. Cooper: Ah, you’re killing me. I love seeing u in that hat. Send me a pic. I smiled, my insides warming. Me: I will later. I have to get to class now. Skyler slammed the driver’s side door shut and walked over to me. I tucked my phone back into

my pocket and gave her a wry smile. “I guess this is it.” “Yep.” Her arm came around my shoulder. “There’s no backing out now.” My stomach knotted, and I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth, dragging it through my teeth. “Hey, you know if anyone messes with you I’ll make them pay, right?” I chuckled. “Between you and Cooper, it sounds like the students at this school better prepare for a major beat down.” Skyler giggled. “Well, if that’s the case, my money’s on Cooper.” My gaze took in Skyler’s skinny frame. “Yeah, mine too.” “Hey.” She nudged me in the side with her elbow. Since she was so bony it actually stung a little as it cut into my waist. “You said it first.” “But you weren’t supposed to agree.” She winked. “Besides, you should put your money on me. I’m the one here.” Her words pierced my heart. When we were joking around, I almost forgot that Cooper was gone. For one moment I wasn’t missing him or pining after him. Skyler must have noticed the change in my expression because she squeezed my shoulder. “Sorry,” she muttered. I nodded, blowing out a breath. A group of blond girls wearing various shades of pink exited a vehicle across the lot. Their giggles reached my ears. Another car pulled into the lot, rap music pouring from the speakers. I recognized the guys inside. They were the popular football players. The blond girls in pink waved at them, all squealing and talking in high-pitched voices. My chest tightened. God, this was going to be a long day. Skyler walked in step beside me as we crossed the parking lot. When we entered the hallway, the scent of tennis shoes and hairspray smacked me in the face, and I wrinkled my nose. I sure hadn’t missed that smell. Loud chatter bounced off the walls and swelled around me. Students leaned against lockers or congregated in circles talking and laughing, probably all catching up on their fun summer activities. It was

a stark reminder of my situation. Of the fact that I’d spent the last year fighting for my life. That I had spent hours at the hospital undergoing treatment and surgery. And that my summer was spent in recovery. Sure, I’d had good times too. Cooper hardly left my side, and he made it memorable. But I was fairly certain that most of the kids at this school couldn’t even fathom everything I’d been through. The realization should have made me feel sad, but it didn’t. It made me feel brave. It made me feel strong. All of a sudden the things I’d been worried about for years seemed to vanish. My fear of these students became petty and insignificant. There was nothing they could do to me that was worse than what I’d been through. And I’d survived. Not only just survived. I’d come through victorious. And now I was ready to face anything. With my head held high, I stepped forward. Even when students turned to stare at me, gawking and whispering, I didn’t waver. Let them look. Bring it. I wasn’t scared. Cooper’s hat rubbed against my forehead as I walked, and it felt like a security blanket. I had picked up my schedule, locker assignment and books last week, so I knew where to go. Taking confident strides, I made a beeline for my locker. “Want me to stay with you?” Skyler whispered, keeping in step with me. Since we’d come to the school together last week, I knew her locker was across the hall and her first class was clear on the other side of campus. I took a deep breath. Whispers circled, and even without lifting my head I could feel eyes boring into me. “No, I’ll be fine. Thanks.” “You sure?” Her eyes held a skeptical look as they shifted around the hallway. Narrowing them, she glared at someone. I didn’t have the courage to see who it was. “Yep.” I forced a brave smile. “I’ll see you at lunch.” “Okay.” She hesitated only a moment before stepping away from me. As Skyler took off down the hallway, I touched the cell phone tucked into my pocket. What I wanted more than anything was to slip into the nearest bathroom and call Cooper. Maybe I could hide away in there all day. But I knew that was

irrational. Besides, I could do this. I was strong. Wasn’t that what Cooper had told me this morning? I desperately needed to believe he was right. As I put in my locker combination, a blond girl sidled up beside me, opening up the locker next to mine. For one moment I thought it was Calista. She had the same sweet perfume scent, the same obnoxious giggle as she conversed with her friends, the same pink jacket. But I knew that couldn’t be right. Last I’d heard, Calista had left to go to college. I wasn’t sure where she went, but had heard it was somewhere near the beach. That didn’t surprise me at all. As I shoved my books into my locker, I thought back to last year when Cooper defended me to Calista and her friends when they were harassing me. It brought an involuntary smile to my lips. After securing my books inside the locker, I slammed it shut. My head bobbed up, my gaze colliding with the Calista look-alike. “What are you smiling at?” She asked in a nasally voice. And that’s when I recognized her. Now it made sense why I would have confused her with Calista. Madison Smith was the Calista of my grade. And now that we were seniors, I was sure she’d slip into Calista’s role seamlessly. Without bothering to respond to her, I flung my backpack over my shoulder fully intending to spin around and stalk off. “Is that Cooper Montgomery’s hat you’re wearing?” Her question stopped me. Didn’t she know Cooper and I were together? I thought everyone at school knew. It’s not like we’d kept it a secret. Then again, we’d only been seeing each other a couple of weeks before I got sick. And it’s not like Madison and her friends paid much attention to me. “Yeah,” I answered smugly, realizing that I was probably enjoying this a little too much. “He’s my boyfriend.” She glanced over at Ava and Mia who were practically glued to her side, her lips tugging upward. “Was your boyfriend, you mean?” I wasn’t sure what reaction I was expecting, but it sure as hell wasn’t that. “I don’t know where you got your facts from, but he is my boyfriend.” A few students peered over curiously, while others blatantly moved toward us. I had no idea why I was even bothering to engage in conversation with Madison. We’d never spoken before, unless you counted the times she laughed at my clothes or bumped into me in the halls or whispered “loser” under her breath when I passed by. Why did I care what she

thought of me or my relationship with Cooper anyway? “It’s sweet that you’re still holding on to his things even after he left you.” She spoke in a fake sweet voice, wrinkling her nose. “He didn’t leave me,” I said through gritted teeth, irritation bubbling. God, it was only the first day of school and already this girl was spreading rumors about Cooper and me. He was going to be pissed when he heard this. In my mind I fantasized about him coming here and telling off Madison and her stuck-up friends. “Oh, he didn’t? I thought he was living in Southern California now. Am I wrong?” I didn’t even bother asking how she knew where Cooper was. It seemed all the girls at school kept tabs on him. That should have made me feel good, but it didn’t. It sickened me. “Yes, he’s away at college, but we are still very much together.” “Okay.” She tossed me a placating smile, and her friends giggled. Her hand reached up and patted my arm. I flinched and stepped backward. “You keep telling yourself that.” “I don’t need to tell myself that. It’s the truth.” Anger boiled. “I just spoke with him this morning.” “I’m sure you did.” She stepped away from me, a smug look on her face. Then she turned to her friends. “We better get to class.” They both nodded like little robots with no brains of their own. I rolled my eyes. “It was nice talking to you, Lonnie,” Madison said as she whirled away from me. “It’s London,” I corrected her harshly. “What’s London?” She blinked her over-mascaraed lashes, staring at me with confusion. “My name,” I growled. “Oops. My mistake.” She giggled. “And Cooper may be away at college, but he didn’t break up with me” “Oh, I’m sure he didn’t. He’s too nice of a guy to do that. He won’t break it off with a sick girl. Why do you think he went out with you in the first place, silly?” With that she spun on her heels and swaggered down the hallway, her friends trailing behind her. My mouth dropped open as I watched her. How could she say something so insensitive? Besides,

there was no truth to it. Cooper wasn’t staying with me because of my illness. I wasn’t even sick anymore. But clearly that was one piece of information Madison was unaware of. And my sickness wasn’t why we got together. Cooper started to like me even before I knew about the cancer. Even so, Madison’s words echoed in my head, sunk into my heart and planted a tiny seed of doubt.

CHAPTER 4

Cooper I slumped into my dorm room after practice and tossed my bag onto the ground. It landed with a loud thump. Blowing out a breath, I took off my hat and flung it onto the bed. Then I sat on the edge of it, running a hand through my sweaty hair. The room was empty, and I was grateful that Justin wasn’t here. Even though classes had started this week I was sure he wasn’t studying. I’d yet to see him crack open a book or spend any time on homework. I had already been busy. Then again, my position on the team was at stake, so I had to take my school work seriously. My ass started buzzing, and I jumped up. Reaching behind me, I pulled my phone out of my back pocket. When my gaze caught the name on the caller ID, I smiled. “Hey, Grandpa.” “Just calling to see how your first practice went.” “It went okay.” I lowered back down onto my bed, and it creaked beneath my weight. “Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good.” “No, it was good. The coach seemed impressed with me. My bullpen went well. My pitches were moving.” I shrugged. “I was happy with it.” “Then what’s the problem?” Grandpa sounded perplexed, and I could picture his bushy brows furrowing. “I got a weird vibe from one of the other pitchers.” I scratched the back of my neck with my free hand. “His was name is Ace.” “Ace?” I chuckled. “Yeah. Can you believe it? Ace? I thought it was a nickname at first, but no, I guess that’s his real name.” Grandpa snorted. “Anyway, he’s a junior, and he’s the fourth starter.”

“Ah, I see,” Grandpa said. “So, he wasn’t very excited to meet the new freshman who took the third starter spot?” “Not at all.” I groaned inwardly. In high school I was used to guys being competitive. The other pitchers would razz me a little. And when I moved up to varsity the star pitcher at the time was pretty threatened by me. He caused me some problems, but in the end it worked out. But this felt different. From the minute I met Ace tonight I could tell he hated me. It was more than friendly competition. No, this was like deep-seated resentment. He acted as if I’d taken something he felt belonged to him. When we shook hands, he gripped my hand so hard it cut off my circulation. And the glare he gave me was harsh and almost…evil. “All that matters is that you played well,” Grandpa encouraged me. “Just keep doing your best. Don’t worry about Ace.” “Yeah, I know.” Still, worry nagged at the pit of my stomach. My mind flitted back to practice, how Ace had watched me intently, the entire time wearing a grimace on his face. And it was tough because I had been hoping to connect with some of the guys on the team. I did sort of make a connection with the catcher, Parker. He was cool, and I could see us becoming friends at some point. The other two pitchers seemed okay, but I didn’t get a chance to talk to them much. Maybe next time. “College is a lot different than high school, but you can do this. Your grandma and I believe in you.” “Thanks. I appreciate that.” His words should have made me feel better, but they didn’t. Instead, I felt overwhelmed. I hoped their faith wasn’t misplaced. I’d only been here a couple of weeks, and already I was wondering how I’d survive here. Everything was different. In high school I was the star pitcher. No one could touch me. Not only that, but everyone loved me. I got along with all the guys on the team, and even with the overall student population I was loved. Here I was one small fish in a huge pond. No one knew who I was, and frankly no one seemed to give a shit. The only friend I’d made so far was Justin, and even he seemed to barely tolerate me. It’s not like we were ever going to be best friends. We were nothing alike. And he didn’t understand my relationship with London at all. In fact, he openly dissed it at every opportunity. Not that I didn’t get it. He liked to hook up with a different girl every time he went out.

Hadn’t I been like that before I met London? But then she came into my life and changed everything. And now I was miles away from her in a foreign place where I wasn’t sure I fit in. For the first time I understood exactly how London had felt her entire life, and it made me love her even more. If London could survive it, then surely I could too. After hanging up with Grandpa I started dialing her number, but the swift movement of the dorm room door swinging open caught my attention. My hand froze over the screen as I glanced up to see Justin moving into the room with a girl attached to his face. He backed into the room, his arms wrapped around her middle. Her fingers were buried in his hair as her lips moved over his. In one fluid movement he reached out his left arm and tossed the door closed. It rattled against the doorframe as it closed, but Justin and the girl never separated. Slobbering, smacking noises filled my ears. As they neared Justin’s bed, his hands moved under her shirt. Feeling like an intruder in my own room, I hopped off my bed and cleared my throat loudly. Justin’s lips disconnected to the girl’s, his head craning in my direction. “Oh, sorry, man. I didn’t know you were here.” At least he had the decency to appear embarrassed. The girl didn’t seem fazed, though, as she wiped lipstick from her chin. My gaze rested on her. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t figure out why. Justin raised his eyebrows, and I snapped out of it. “Um…” I scratched the back of my neck. “I was actually just heading out.” Fisting my cell phone in my palm, I headed toward the door. After slipping into the hallway I leaned against the wall and finished dialing London’s number. Disappointment sank into my gut when her voicemail clicked on. I left a message and then shoved the phone into my back pocket. Sweat clung to my skin, the scent wafting in the air, reminding me that I was still wearing my practice uniform. Groaning, I pushed off the wall. A group of guys walked down the hallway talking gruffly. One of them glanced up at me, and I smiled. He flashed me a half-hearted grin before returning his attention to his friends. Sighing, I glanced back at my dorm room door. There was no way I was going back in there now. Biting my lip, I stepped away from it, making my way down the hallway. When I got outside the air was cool against my damp skin, but it didn’t feel bad. In fact, it sort of felt good. The weather in Southern California was similar to what I was used

to. It was a little warmer than Northern California, but not much. The sun was going down, and the sky was painted in pinks and purples. The colors bled around the corners, fuzzy like the sky was on fire. My feet thumped down the concrete steps and then thundered over the asphalt as I walked down the pathway. Green grass and trees flanked the path. Students milled about the campus. Some were alone, like me, but many were in groups. A few were lying on the grass, earbud cords extending from their ears, books open on their laps. It made me wish I had grabbed my books or my headphones before leaving my dorm. But all I could think about was getting out of there. Next time I’d be more prepared. At the thought, my stomach tightened. Was this what I had to look forward to this year? Spending time alone, having to find places to run off to when Justin got it on with girls in our dorm? I’d never felt so alone in my entire life. Yanking out my phone, I checked to see if London had called, but she hadn’t. I wondered where she was. Perhaps she was at the library studying or something. Or maybe her phone was off. But then another scenario hit me like a sucker punch. I pictured her sick, lying on the floor like she’d been the day she’d had her seizure. For a moment I found it difficult to draw breath. My heart picked up speed, and I hurriedly dialed her number again. When she failed to answer this time, panic overtook me. Quickly, I called London’s dad. “Hey, Cooper,” his tone betrayed his surprise at hearing from me. “Dexter, are you with London?” “No. She’s at a newspaper meeting at the school.” “Oh, that’s right.” I exhaled, the knot in my chest loosening. “Is everything okay?” “Yeah.” Now I felt stupid. “I-I-just couldn’t get a hold of London and--” “Cooper,” Dexter interrupted me. “She’s fine. I’m taking good care of her. I promise.” “I know,” I said swiftly, feeling like a jerk. “It means a lot to me that you care about her so much.” I could hear the gratitude in Dexter’s voice, and it eased a little bit of the shame. “But you don’t need to worry so much.” Lowering my head, I felt like a petulant child who had just been scolded. “I know. I’ll work on it.” “How is everything else going for you?”

“Good,” I lied, not wanting to share everything with him. He had enough on his plate. “Glad to hear it.” After a few more minutes of small talk, I hung up with Dexter. Man, I hoped he didn’t tell London about our conversation. She didn’t like how concerned I was. I could tell that she wanted to put the cancer behind her. That she wanted to be treated like someone who had never been sick. And I wanted so desperately to treat her that way. It’s what she deserved. But it was also hard. She had no idea how difficult it was to see her at her worst. How helpless I felt when she had the seizure in front of me. How scary it was when the ambulance showed up and wheeled her away from me. And how horrified I was when I found out that she might not make it. I wasn’t sure I could go through that again. But these were thoughts I’d keep to myself. In fact, I felt like a selfish asshole for even having the thoughts. I mean, surely it was worse for her. She was the one who had been sick. As hard as it had been for me, it had to have been even more difficult for her. That’s why I needed to be sensitive to her feelings. Blowing out a breath, I vowed to stop panicking. I made a promise to myself that I would relax and stop jumping to conclusions. I would trust Dexter and Skyler to care for London while I was away. A feeling akin to jealousy coursed through my veins. It should be me there watching out for her. God, being away from her was hell. I roamed the campus a little longer before deciding to head back to my dorm. As I stepped into the hallway, I hoped that the girl was gone. I had no desire to kill any more time. I was tired and sweaty, and all I wanted to do was change and hit the sack. Nearing the door, my insides coiled. No way was I going to just burst inside, so I reached up my hand to knock. But the door popped open, startling me. I stepped back as the girl slid out, closing the door softly. Her hair was disheveled, a couple of her top buttons were undone, and her lips were red and swollen. When her gaze met mine, she smiled. “Hey, we have a class together, don’t we?” She snapped her fingers. “History, I think.” I squinted. That’s why she looked familiar earlier. “Oh, yeah. I think you’re right.” “Man, that class is brutal, huh? The professor is so boring.” She rolled her eyes, making a dramatic face. But she wasn’t wrong. I was already having a hard time paying attention to the lectures in that class. “You can say that again.”

“I’m Charlotte.” She stuck out her hand. I took it in mine. “Cooper.” I flinched as the phone vibrated from my pocket, and I pulled my hand back. “Oh, hang on just a second. I’ve got to grab this.” My heart skipped a beat as I felt around for my phone. I didn’t even bother looking at the caller ID before answering. “Hey.” “Hey,” London’s voice filled the line, causing warmth to cascade over my body. “Sorry I missed your calls earlier. I had a Gold Rush Gazette meeting.” “That’s okay. I’m just glad you called now.” Charlotte waved her hand in front of me, and I realized that I had completely forgotten she was standing there. At the sound of London’s voice, everything else had faded away. That was typical though. London always overshadowed everything else. “I’m gonna take off. It was nice meeting you,” Charlotte said. “Yeah, you too.” I nodded as she spun around. “What?” London asked, sounding confused. “Nothing. I was talking to someone else.” “Oh. Do you need me to call back?” “No,” I said desperately, not wanting to sever our connection. I’d been waiting all night to talk to London. “She’s gone now.” “She?” The uncertainty in her tone cut to my heart. “You’re with a girl?” “No, she was just at my dorm tonight.” Shit. That made it sound bad. “N-not with me. With Justin.” “Oh.” “But I wasn’t there. I left. I went to call you, but when I came back to the dorm she was in the hallway. That’s all. It’s no big deal.” “Okay.” Her voice sounded small, unsure. “You believe me, right?” “Of course.” It was so difficult to decipher what she was feeling when I couldn’t see her face. “God, I hate

this.” I blew out a breath. “You hate what?” “I hate being away from you. I hate not being able to touch you and kiss you.” I lowered my voice to a whisper as some guys passed. “I hate not being able to look into your eyes and assure you that you’re the only girl I want. London, you have to know you can trust me.” “I do know that,” she said firmly. “I hate being away from you too.” Her voice broke a little, and my heart stuttered in my chest. “God, baby, I’d do anything to come home right now.” Leaning against the wall, I rested my head against it. “Coop, what’s going on?” “Just missing you,” I said, and it was half-true. I was missing London, but there were other reasons I wanted to go home too. However, I had no desire to talk about Ace or Justin or my feelings about college. Right now I needed to focus on London, to focus on the things in my life that made me happy. “That’s not all this is. I can tell. Something else happened.” Man, did she know me or what? “How was practice tonight?” Dang, she remembered everything. Her mind was a freaking steel trap. “It went well.” “Really?” “Yeah.” I hated lying to her, but I didn’t want her to worry. “How is everything back home?” Saying the word home made my heart ache with longing. “Good. Tonight Mr. Smith asked me to be editor of the school paper.” “That’s great.” My heart swelled with pride, and a glimmer of hope sparkled in my vision. The thought of London heading up the paper, doing what she loved, made me believe everything would be all right. It was like confirmation that she could flourish without me; that I had done the right thing by coming here after all. “Yeah.” There was an edge to her voice that concerned me.

“Aren’t you happy?” She’d hated being under John’s thumb when he ran it, and I knew she secretly hoped she’d be editor once he graduated. “I guess.” “London?” I prodded. “I just don’t know if I should accept,” she said quietly. “Why not?” “Well, I…I just think they should ask someone more stable, I guess.” I furrowed my brows, confused. “Have you gone crazy since I left, baby?” I teased. “No.” She giggled. “You know that’s not what I meant.” “What do you mean?” I asked in a gentle tone. “I don’t feel like I’m in a place to make a commitment like that.” Now I understood. We’d had a similar conversation before. “London, you’re not sick. I know because you remind me of it all the time. If you want me to treat you like you’re healthy, you need to treat yourself the same way.” I didn’t like lecturing her. I wasn’t her father. But she needed to hear this. Silence filled the line, and I wondered if I’d gone too far. Perhaps I should have left the advice to Dexter. London needed me to be her shoulder, not her parent. “You’re right,” she finally said. “That’s usually the case,” I said with a smile, grateful for her concession. A light laugh tickled my ear. “It’s nice to know that your ego is still intact.” “I’m the same guy I’ve always been, baby.” “I hope so, because that guy is pretty amazing.” I smiled, her words warming my heart and erasing all the uneasiness I’d felt earlier.

CHAPTER 5

London My hands were clammy. I wiped them on the thigh of my jeans, painting sweat streaks across the denim. Not like it helped anyway. A second later my palms were coated in sweat again. When I noticed my leg bouncing violently under the table, I steadied it and forced a deep breath. I bunched my hands in my lap and lifted my head. With dozens of eyes on me, I wanted to crawl under the table and disappear. At that moment I was seriously regretting my decision to accept the position as editor of the Gold Rush Gazette. Last night as I stayed up late brainstorming ideas for the paper, I was happy that I’d taken Cooper’s advice. Ideas swirled through my mind, the possibilities endless. Elation filled me as I scribbled onto my notebook. For hours I imagined concepts for articles. By the time I finished, the notebook was almost completely used up, my telltale chicken scratch filling the pages in black ink. As I closed it and sat back against the chair, a sense of satisfaction sank into my gut. While I worked I hadn’t thought about my illness or how much I missed Cooper. Not only that, but I felt like the old me. The London before I got sick. The girl who lived for the rush of a story, who fed off the written word like it was a drug she couldn’t live without. I had lost some of that passion, some of that fire. In the past year I’d lost some of what made me “me.” It’s not like I hadn’t gained things too. Cancer had made me stronger, and Cooper had made me softer, more trusting. There was good that had come out of what I’d gone through. But still I missed the girl I was before. Missed how I could shut the world out and work with singular focus. Missed how I could lose myself in the words. But mostly I missed looking forward. Most of my life I’d dreamt of my future. It never seemed like a distant possibility. To me it was a given. I was certain that tomorrow would come; that one day I’d go to school and become a reporter. I’d never allowed myself to believe it wouldn’t happen. Weird, I know, especially since my mom was murdered at a young age. You would think that I would understand better than anyone how quickly life can be over. How one moment you can be breathing, laughing and talking, and the next moment you’re just

gone. How you can be participating in a mundane activity like gardening and then you’re lying on the ground, your clothes ripped, your eyes open wide, and vacant. But maybe that’s why I didn’t allow myself to entertain the idea of death. It was too horrifying to think about. Subconsciously I thought that if I kept believing tomorrow was promised that maybe it would be. But when I got sick I could no longer buy into that idealistic thinking. I had to face the fact that my future could be ripped away the same way my mother’s was. And the minute I stopped believing in the future, the harder it was to start again. However, last night my hope had reignited. A spark that had been snuffed out was lit once again. It’s easy to be brave when you’re alone though. Truth was that I did my best work alone. Now that I was sitting in front of a group of people, my courage was waning. Did you know that the number one fear in our world is public speaking? It’s true. Three out of every four people are afraid to speak publically. And I was one of those three. Big time. I’d spoken to Cooper briefly this afternoon. He was on his way to practice so we didn’t have much time to talk, but it was enough time for him to give me a pep talk. And he’d made me believe I could do this. He’d told me I was strong and capable, that the newspaper was lucky to have me as an editor. I’d even teased him, saying that if baseball didn’t work out he should become a motivational speaker. If only he was sitting beside me right now. “London?” Mr. Smith cocked his head and raised a brow. Oh, god, how long had I been sitting here mute in front of everyone? Judging by the amused looks of the other students, I’d say it had been too long. Clearing my throat, I sat up taller. “Um…well…hi.” A few snickers sounded around the room. One of them came from Annabelle Garcia, which didn’t surprise me at all. She’d been angry with me ever since I interviewed Cooper in her place. It’s not like it was my fault she ended up getting the flu. But she acted like I’d stolen the article in an effort to get close to Cooper. Her anger towards me had only grown worse when Cooper and I started seeing each other. I swear she really believed that if she had done the article she would be the one seeing him instead. I wanted to be upset that she thought I was so irreplaceable. But I understood. No one could figure out how I’d landed Cooper. It baffled me at times

too. Breathing in deeply, I stared down at my notebook and conjured up all the gumption I could. “Most of you know me, but for those who don’t, my name is London Miller.” I glanced at the few freshman all sitting together to my right. “And I’ll be your editor this year. I’ve been in the newspaper club since my freshman year, and I love it.” A broad smile leapt to my face. When I saw a few of the students furrowing their brows, I tempered it a bit. No need to seem too eager. I knew I loved the paper more than most, even though writing for the Gold Rush Gazette was an extracurricular activity so everyone here had chosen to be. Well, except for Michael Reese. His mom had forced him to join, thinking it would keep him out of trouble. I was pretty sure he was signed up for every extracurricular activity at the school. At least that’s what it looked like when I flipped through the yearbook. I wondered if he was as useless in those clubs as he was in this one. Glancing over at him, I caught a glimpse of his bloodshot eyes as he stared off in a drug-induced stupor. “Anyway, I have a lot of ideas for our first issue. If you have any suggestions, I’m more than happy to hear them now. Then I’ll throw out a few of mine and we can all vote on the direction to take.” My gaze scoured the room. “Sound good?” A collective bob of heads told me they were in agreement, and my heart soared. Maybe this wouldn’t be a complete disaster. I couldn’t wait to tell Cooper that he was right; that I could do this. The first suggestion came from Annabelle, who offered to do a piece on the quarterback of the football team. I wrote her idea down, knowing I’d give her the story. Not only was it something the student body loved to talk about, but I figured maybe it would soften Annabelle toward me a little. And perhaps if she set her sights on a new guy, she’d forget about Cooper. A few other suggestions were thrown out, but they were articles we’d done before, so I shot them down almost immediately. “What about a ‘where are they now’ type of article about high school sweethearts?” Annabelle tossed out in a flippant way, as if she’d just thought of it. “What do you mean?” There was an odd twinkle in her eyes that made my stomach twist. I sat forward, placing my elbows on the table. Annabelle twirled a pen between her index finger and thumb. I watched it as it spun in tight circles. “Like we could follow a few couples who were together in high school and see what they’re up

to now, see if they’re still together or dating other people or what.” “Ooh, I like that,” one of the new freshman girls said. I couldn’t remember her name. “Yeah,” Catherine piped up. She was in my grade and had joined the paper her sophomore year. I considered her one of the stronger writers in the group. “You know, I heard that Austin Hawkins and Gianna Benson broke up over the summer.” “Really?” Annabelle’s eyebrows shot up. I was actually surprised by that as well. Austin and Gianna were a year ahead of Cooper in school. They’d been voted “most likely to get married” for a yearbook poll that took place their senior year. And everything pointed to the fact that they would. In fact, they’d gone to the same college, and I’d even heard that they were engaged last year. I had assumed the relationship would last, but I figured it would be unprofessional for me to relay that. As editor of the paper, I shouldn’t even participate in rumors. Besides, this wasn’t a gossip magazine, it was a newspaper. And this wasn’t news. I opened my mouth to say that when Catherine cut me off. “Yep. Apparently Austin met some other girl in college. Not that I’m surprised. It’s not like anyone marries their high school sweetheart anymore.” Annoyed, my stomach rolled. I had no idea why this conversation was bothering me so much. It’s not like I cared what happened with Austin and Gianna. I hardly knew them. “All right, let’s get back to real pitches,” I said a little more harshly than I should. Annabelle’s eyes widened. “That is a real pitch. It’s a human interest piece. I think people will like it.” She smiled. “Let’s face it, no one reads the paper. It’s boring. I think it’s time we spiced it up a little.” “It’s nothing but gossip,” I replied. “I’m fine with spicing things up, but not this way. I won’t have us spreading rumors.” “Is that the real reason you don’t want to do the piece?” Annabelle smirked, a knowing gleam in her eyes. Internally I had been telling myself I felt bad for Gianna; that I abhorred gossip and rumors. But under Annabelle’s smug stare, I knew it went deeper than that. I wouldn’t be admitting it to anyone though.

My face heated up, and I fought to keep my voice steady as I spoke. “Yes, that’s exactly why. Now, if no one else has any more pitches, I’ll share some of my ideas.” No one said a word, and it didn’t surprise me. I was reminded of all the times John was firm with us. In truth, I’d kind of thought he was a dick when he did that, but now I understood. There was only so much a person could take. As I lifted my notebook, the papers quivered between my shaking fingers. It’s not like anyone marries their high school sweetheart anymore. Catherine’s words floated through my mind, rattling me further. I wasn’t sure if Cooper and I would one day get married, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I’d fantasized about it. Deep down, I believed that Cooper and I would last. We’d already been through so much, and it hadn’t broken us up. And Cooper had promised me time and again that distance wouldn’t tear us apart. But if Gianna and Austin couldn’t survive college even though they were there together, then what hope did Cooper and I have if we weren’t? Already it felt like we were drifting apart. He had this whole other life I wasn’t involved in. And I was sure girls were all over him at college the same way they were here. Out of sight, out of mind. Wasn’t that how the saying went? How long before Cooper forgot about me and moved on to someone new?

CHAPTER 6

Cooper A large hand clamped down on my shoulder as I leaned over to pick up my baseball bag after practice. Instinctually, I flinched. But when I glanced up and saw Parker smiling down at me, I relaxed. “Hey, man, you were awesome today,” Parker said. Black tufts of hair peeked out from under his hat, and when he smiled it pushed his thick cheeks up into his dark brown eyes. Parker was a big guy. Not fat, just big. Burly, muscular. I certainly wouldn’t want to be on the opposite side of him in a fight. But he seemed harmless. And he was a damn good catcher. “Thanks.” Tucking my thumb under the strap of my bag, I hoisted it up. After slinging it over my shoulder, I stood. The bag swung next to my leg, bumping me in the thigh. Sweat soaked the back of my shirt, and soreness set into my tired right arm. I’d been pushing myself pretty hard lately, and my muscles were feeling it. I rolled my shoulders in an attempt to loosen up the tightness a little bit. “You were throwing gas today, man. Seriously.” Parker grinned. “You’re sure gonna give the other pitchers a run for their money.” “You call that gas?” Ace’s voice boomed from over my shoulder. I swung around to face Ace. He was standing in front of me flanked by the other two pitchers. “Did you hear that guys? Parker here thinks Mini-Coop throws harder than the rest of us.” Mini-Coop? That was a new one. “C’mon, Ace. You have to admit, the guy’s pretty darn good.” Ace shrugged, one side of his lip curving upward. “I’m sure in high school his skills were impressive. But this is college. You’re playing men now, Mini-Coop. Men with facial hair, not peach fuzz.” He chuckled, and the other guys joined in. I narrowed my eyes. “Facial hair, but no common sense, huh?” Picking a fight with Ace may not have been the smart thing to do, but this guy was grating on my last nerve. “What did you say?” Ace stepped closer to me, puffing out his chest. But I wasn’t scared, and I

certainly wasn’t going to cower the way he thought I would. Sure he was a big guy. Almost as big as Parker. And it was clear that he was older than me. He’d filled out in places I hadn’t quite yet. However, I was stronger than he gave me credit for. And if I needed to prove it, I would. There’s no way I was going to let this guy push me around all season. “Ace.” Parker jumped in between us. “He does have a point, you know? You two are on the same team. If he plays well, it helps us all.” “Yeah. If he plays well.” Ace glared at me from behind Parker. “And if he doesn’t then we’re screwed. He’s a baby. He’s gonna crack under the pressure. I can tell. None of us can figure out what Coach was thinking, putting Mini-Coop in the third starter slot.” “Stop calling me Mini-Coop,” I spoke through gritted teeth, attempting to get around Parker who was acting as a human shield between us. Ace chuckled as if I was his personal form of entertainment. “Let him go, Park. Let me show him what happens when he plays with the big boys.” “Really, Ace? That’s what you wanna do?” Parker shot him a knowing glance. “You think that’s smart after what happened last season? How much forgiveness do you think Coach is going to extend you?” Ace exhaled, the fight in him withering. Suddenly he didn’t look so sure of himself. Even the other pitchers appeared uncomfortable now. I wondered what the hell Parker was referring to, and made a mental note to ask about it later. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Probably not smart to test it, huh?” Parker said, wearing a smug expression. “You’re lucky you had your watch dog here with you.” Ace sneered at me. “Next time you might not be so lucky.” He turned to his friends. “Let’s go, boys.” As they started to walk off, Ace called over his shoulder, “See ya later, Mini-Coop.” I lunged forward, but Parker threw out an arm, catching me. “Easy.” “God, that guy is an asshole.” I blew out an angry breath. “He’s just a hothead. Ignore him.”

“How can I when he keeps coming at me?” “You took the slot he wanted. He’s just trying to rattle you, get under your skin.” Parker smiled. “And from where I stand, it looks like it’s working.” I bristled. He was right. Ace was setting up a trap for me, and I was walking right into it like a mouse blindly going after a hunk of cheese. If I wasn’t careful I’d be crushed, trapped. My legs buckling, I lowered onto a nearby bench. “I just thought things would be different here.” “It’ll get better once the season starts. Trust me.” I snorted. “Like suddenly Ace and I will become best friends or something? I highly doubt that.” “Yeah, me too. But Ace is a good pitcher, and baseball is important to him. He’ll let up when the season starts. He’ll do what’s best for the team.” His words shook me a little. What if Ace was right? What if I didn’t have what it took to be successful in college ball? What if I broke under the pressure? I mean, I was already falling apart. Already I was allowing some trash talk to get under my skin. I was acting like a wimpy kid, someone easily manipulated, easily pushed around. Taking a deep breath, I stood, vowing to get it together. “Thanks, Parker.” I slapped him on the back. “Sure. See ya next week.” “Okay.” Practices were something I always looked forward to in the past, but now I found myself regretting them. I really hoped it got better when the team practices started. Maybe with everyone around Ace would be more civil. I clung to Parker’s words, praying that as the season started Ace would calm down. But even as I thought it, it seemed unlikely. The guy acted like a complete dick. I couldn’t imagine him being any different. With my thumb tucked under the strap of my bag, I trekked across the field and started walking in the direction of my dorm. As I neared it, my stomach twisted. I never knew what to expect when I got home. When I lived with my grandparents, home was a safe haven. A place where I was comfortable and content, and I always knew what it would be like. I’d get home and Grandma would be cooking dinner. Grandpa would be outside gardening or inside watching TV if it was late or dark. But with Justin, there was no telling. When I opened the door, I steeled myself for the unknown. Just as I had suspected, he had a girl in

here. But at least I didn’t walk in on anything. They were both fully clothed, sitting on the bed talking. This was new. And I can’t tell you how relieved I was. Also, a little surprised. “Charlotte, right?” I asked as I set down my bag. “Right. And you’re Cooper?” I nodded. It was the second time Justin had brought Charlotte over, and it made me wonder if he had already met a girl he was willing to commit to. After all his talk about playing the field and hooking up with as many girls as possible, it seemed odd. Then again, some guys just liked to talk, but they didn’t really back it up with their actions. Maybe Justin was one of those guys. “Hey, man. Practice go well?” Another shocker. Justin didn’t normally ask me about practice. “Yeah.” “Cool.” Justin stood up. “Charlotte and I were just about to take off. Wanna join us. We’re meeting some friends to grab a bite.” “Nah. I’m good.” Justin chuckled, glancing over at Charlotte. “Dude’s probably gonna spend all night on the phone with his girlfriend. I swear he has a vagina. One of these days I’m gonna check to make sure he’s really a dude.” I rolled my eyes. Charlotte’s eyebrows knit together. She was probably wondering what she was doing with such an idiot. Hell, I was wondering the same thing. I didn’t know Charlotte that well, but she seemed like she could do a whole lot better than Justin. “Yeah, just try to sneak a peek and see what happens,” I said. Justin guffawed. “I’m just messing with you, man. Trust me, I’m not gonna look at another guy’s junk.” His arm snaked around Charlotte’s middle. “I’m not that kind of guy.” He lowered his gaze to Charlotte’s chest. “But I’ll gladly check out your junk anytime.” She smiled coyly, and I shook my head. Maybe I was wrong. Clearly they were right for each other. After they left, I hit the showers and changed. Then I texted London to see if she wanted to skype. She answered almost immediately with a yes and a smiley face. Heart flipping in my chest, I pulled out my laptop and pulled up skype. After logging on and connecting, London’s face filled the screen. She

wasn’t wearing her wig or my hats. Instead, her short hair was down, tucked behind her ears. I was glad that she was feeling comfortable enough to leave it exposed. After all, there was no reason to cover it up. She looked beautiful. “There is my gorgeous girl,” I said, leaning my head back on the wall and adjusting my position on the bed. The laptop bounced on my thighs as I moved around. London smiled. “Did you just get back from practice?” I nodded. “Looks like you didn’t get kicked out of your room this time.” “No. Justin went out tonight, thank god. After the brutal practice I had, I needed to change and shower. And, more importantly, I wanted to spend some time alone with my girl.” London’s eyebrows knit together, and I realized I’d said too much. “What happened at practice?” Clamping my mouth shut, I wished I could shove the words back in. They just sort of spilled out. London did that to me. She made me feel so comfortable I didn’t think to filter my statements. But the last thing I wanted to do was cause her to worry about me. Besides, this whole thing with Ace was nothing I couldn’t handle. “Nothing. Just worked hard.” I rolled my shoulders as if to demonstrate how sore I was. “College ball is a lot different than high school ball, that’s for sure.” “Wish I was there to give a massage.” London grinned, a sparkle in her eyes. My insides churned. London rarely tossed out flirty or seductive statements like that. Usually it was me talking like that. The novelty of it made it that much more sexy. I wanted her here with me so bad. I would give anything to feel her fingers on my skin, to feel her hands on my body. My skin buzzed at the thought. “Baby, you have no idea how much I wish you were here.” London’s facial features smoothed out, and she stared at me wearing a pensive expression. Biting her lip, she leaned forward a bit, her face becoming larger on the screen. I straightened my spine. “When are you gonna tell me what’s really going on, Coop?” I swallowed hard. “What are you talking about?”

“C’mon, I can tell something’s up. Why can’t you share it with me?” Her eyes crinkled around the edges, worry etching her features. My chest tightened, and I wondered what scenarios had been running through her mind as she tried to guess at what was wrong with me. By attempting to protect her, it seemed I’d done undue damage. “You’re right. Something is going on. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it sooner, baby.” Her chest heaved as she breathed raggedly, and her eyes widened as she waited for me to finish. It made me feel like shit. “It’s not that big of a deal. I’m just sorta having issues with this guy named Ace. He’s one of the other pitchers – the fourth starter.” “Ahh.” Understanding washed over her features, relief evident in her eyes. Man, I should have come clean sooner. I needed to start putting London’s feelings ahead of my own pride. As much as I tried to convince myself I kept silent as a way of shielding her, I knew a lot of it had to do with my ego. I didn’t want London to think her man couldn’t hack it in college. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I shrugged. “Didn’t want to worry you.” “I’m your girlfriend. It’s my job to worry. Isn’t that what you tell me?” Chuckling, I shook my head. “Damn, I had to fall in love with the one girl who actually listens to me.” “What can I say? It’s my gift.” She cocked her head to the side and raised a brow. It was so damn cute and coy, it made me want to kiss her so bad. Man, it was torture to know I couldn’t touch her. That darn screen between us taunted me. “Well, you don’t need to worry. I’ve got it all under control.” “I’m sure you do.” She smiled. “Ace is just jealous right now, and he probably feels a little slighted since you got the third starter spot. But you’ll win him over with that famous Cooper charm. I’m sure of it.” “You are, huh?” I loved the way she believed in me. “Yep. Positive.” “How can you be so positive when you don’t even know the guy?” I prodded, a smile playing on my lips.

“I don’t need to know him. I know you.” A strand of hair slipped out from behind her ear, and she swiftly tucked it back in. I longed to be the one doing that for her. Longed to touch her silky hair, to feel it between my fingers. “I mean, you won me over, didn’t you?” “I don’t think that’s a fair comparison.” “Why not? I certainly didn’t want to like you when we first met.” “But you just couldn’t help yourself, huh?” I teased. “You couldn’t control yourself around me.” Giggling, London rolled her eyes. “I think it was the other way around.” “Hey, I’m not denying that.” She shook her head. “You’re crazy.” “Crazy about you.” “Wow. That was probably the most clichéd thing you’ve ever said. Like I think that line has been in every single romance novel I’ve ever read.” “Then I take it back,” I said. “You do?” She flashed an amused grin. “Yeah, because what we have isn’t a cliché, and it sure as hell isn’t fiction. You and me. We’re as real as it gets.”

CHAPTER 7

London This couldn’t be happening again. It just couldn’t. There was no way. A few days ago I’d been on top of the world. Things were going well with the paper. Our first edition had already come out, and we were all pleased with how it turned out. In fact, Mr. Smith even complimented me, stating that it was one of the best issues the school had published. That was huge coming from Mr. Smith, being that he gave out compliments sparingly, and he rarely involved himself in the paper at all. My classes were going well, and even though some of the students still harassed me a little, most of them left me alone. But the main reason I’d been happy was because it was nearing Thanksgiving, which meant I’d get to see Cooper. We’d have an entire week together. Already we’d been discussing all the things we would do. Although Cooper didn’t seem to care about any of the activities I had planned. It seemed he had a one-track mind about what we would do when he visited. But two days ago I woke up feeling sick. It was reminiscent of when my illness began – exhaustion, achy, lack of energy. But I convinced myself it was just a cold or flu bug, and I ignored it, certain it would improve. Only it wasn’t. It was getting worse. And this morning Dad called me on it. Apparently, despite my best efforts to pretend everything was fine, Dad had still picked up on the fact that I wasn’t feeling well. And that furthered my worry. If it was so bad that I couldn’t even hide it, then maybe it was serious. “I’m taking you to the doctor,” Dad said adamantly. “But I’m not due for a checkup, and at my last one everything was fine,” I argued back, as I attempted to get ready for school. Staring at my reflection, I squinted as a headache pricked behind my eyes. “And it still might be fine, pumpkin. But it’s better to be safe than sorry.” His tone was firm and held a finality to it that told me I wasn’t getting out of this.

Looks like I was making a trip to the doctor’s. Yippee. If I never went to the doctor again it would be too soon. I felt like I practically lived there for a year of my life. When I fully recovered from surgery, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I thought I was free of waiting rooms and doctors’ visits. Free of being poked and prodded. But that hadn’t really been the case since I still had to be monitored closely. However, that I could deal with. Those visits were scheduled. I could plan for them, gear up and get myself in the right mindset. This was different. This was unexpected. A curve ball thrown at me when I wasn’t looking. A cheap shot. It was underhanded and unfair. The bratty girl inside of me rose up, causing self-pity to gain hold of me. I shook it off, mentally chastising myself. We didn’t even know anything yet. Before getting cancer there wasn’t much that threw Dad and I. When I woke up feeling ill we always assumed it was just a virus and would run its course. Dad would instruct me to lie in bed and drink plenty of liquids. He’d buy me popsicles and Gatorade, and I’d nestle in bed, grateful for a few days of reprieve from school. Days where I had an excuse to do nothing more than read my books and get lost in fictional worlds. A few times over the years the sickness would get worse instead of better, so Dad would take me in. I would be diagnosed with strep or an ear infection or something – nothing a round of antibiotics couldn’t fix. And within days of feeling better, the illness would be nothing but a distant memory. Certainly not something I would worry about. But cancer had changed us. Now every symptom caused panic. Every off-day a reason for concern. Quite simply, we’d become paranoid. And not just us. It had rubbed off on Cooper and Skyler too. It was like an infectious disease that way. Speaking of which, I glanced at Dad who was leaning against the wall near the doorway of my room. “Fine. I’ll go to the doctor, but you have to promise me one thing.” “Okay.” He looked a little wary, but I knew he’d agree. “We’re keeping this between us for now.” I pushed off the dresser, whirling away from my reflection. “I mean, I’ll have to tell Skyler I’m not going to school, but I can lie and say I have the flu or something. But Cooper never has to know anything.” I bit my lip. “You know, unless….” I didn’t need to finish. Dad understood. He nodded. “Yeah. I think that’s for the best. He worries so much already.” His words stopped me cold. He was right. Cooper did worry. But how did he know that? I spun

toward him, my eyes narrowed. “What makes you say that?” Dad’s eyes flashed. His hand flew up to his neck, his hand wrapping it around as he scratched the skin. It was what he did when he was nervous. “Um…well, I just know the guy. Plus, you’ve told me that he worries.” “Dad?” I pressed. “Have you talked to Cooper lately?” The flicker over his features betrayed the truth. Dropping his hand, he sighed like he’d been caught. “He called me one night. It was the night that Mr. Smith asked you to be the newspaper editor. Apparently he’d been trying to get ahold of you, but you weren’t answering your phone.” I nodded, remembering. “Yeah, he did call multiple times, and I did sense something was off when we spoke.” “He forgot you had a meeting at the paper, and so he started thinking the worst and sorta panicked, I guess,” Dad explained. “He felt embarrassed, so he asked me not to say anything. He meant well, pumpkin.” “I know. I’m not upset or anything.” I ran a hand over my head. “It just confirms my decision to not tell him anything yet.” “Agreed.” Dad stood tall. “I’m going to call the doctor. Why don’t you lie down and rest?” “Gladly.” There was nothing I wanted more than to crawl into bed, covers up to my chin. A chill ran through me as I lowered my body down onto my clean sheets. After snuggling in, I pulled out my cell phone and shot off a text to Skyler letting her know that I was staying home today. Her reply came almost immediately. Skyler: R u ok? Me: Yes. Just a virus. No big deal. Skyler: U sure? Me: Positive. I felt bad for lying, but there was no reason to worry her. Skyler: Ok. Let me know if you need anything. I can bring by soup later. Me: No, it’s ok.

Realizing that was probably suspicious, I typed quickly. Me: I don’t want you catching it. Skyler: Ok. Keep me posted. Me: I will. Exhaling, I tossed the phone next to me on the bed. God, I couldn’t even imagine how my conversation would go with Cooper if I texted him. He’d probably jump on a plane today. A part of me was tempted by that. It would be nice to have him by side. The truth was that fear had snaked around my heart and was squeezing pretty hard. As much as I wanted to believe the doctors wouldn’t find anything, I wasn’t entirely confident. The symptoms were too similar. I closed my eyes, feeling overwhelmed. I considered myself fortunate to have beaten the cancer twice already. But it wasn’t easy. Every day I had felt like I was faced with this giant, insurmountable mountain. And each morning I had to choose to climb it. Some days I took it on with strength and vigor, but other days I crumpled at the bottom, knowing that the only way up was to be carried. On those days I relied heavily on Cooper and my dad. I’ll never forget the first time I relapsed. How disappointed I was. How I felt like a failure. I didn’t want to feel that way again. And more importantly, I didn’t want Cooper to feel that way. He’d given me his bone marrow, and he was away at college thinking it worked. Thinking I was getting better; that a part of his body had healed me. If we find out that it didn’t, what would he do? How would he feel? Feeling sick, I rolled over and pressed my face into the pillow. Desperate prayers tumbled from my lips. I just hoped it was enough.

CHAPTER 8

Cooper I totally choked at practice tonight. I played like shit, and it was all London’s fault. She hadn’t been acting like herself lately. Something wasn’t right, and it scared the shit out of me. She’d been distant and standoffish. When we spoke, she always seemed in a hurry to get off the phone. And we hadn’t skyped in a week. She kept saying that her internet was having issues, but I could tell she was lying. It was clear in her inflections, the way her voice rose slightly at the end of her sentences. Clearly she was underestimating how well I’d paid attention to her. I knew her better than she thought. I could read her like a book. Like those damn books her nose was always pressed in. I’d studied her just as carefully, and I sure as hell knew when she was lying. There was one other time when she behaved like this, and that knowledge sickened me. It had been both times she’d gotten sick. Twice when she found out she had cancer she’d pulled away from me. Even though she promised she would keep me in the loop when it came to her health, I had the sneaking suspicion she wasn’t. It would be just like her to hide this information from me. She was like that, always trying to protect everyone else, to shield them from her illness. As if it only needed to affect her. As if she could shoulder it alone. She was so dang stubborn. Sometimes I found it endearing, but not right now. Right now I wanted to know the truth. And frankly, I deserved it. This didn’t only affect her, it affected me too. Hell, it was my bone marrow that saved her. And I was her boyfriend, the guy who loved her more than anything. I shouldn’t be kept in the dark. It wasn’t fair. For the millionth time I wished I was back home. Wished I wasn’t so far away. It didn’t help that Ace was still giving me shit and Justin was still kicking me out of my own dorm room several nights a week. Sometimes I felt like an intruder here. And what London was doing sure as hell didn’t help matters.

Angry, I groaned, slamming my hand into the wall. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure who I was upset with anymore. There were so many suspects – the cancer, London, Ace, Justin, myself, this college, my circumstances. “Whoa. What’s up with you?” I stiffened, not having heard Justin come in. When I spun around, I saw that he wasn’t alone. Charlotte’s eyebrows shot up. “You okay?” Nodding, I ran a hand over my head. When Justin’s arm looped around Charlotte’s shoulders, jealousy filled me. If only London were here. I was convinced if she were, everything would be right in my world again. “Yeah,” I breathed out. “Fine.” “You don’t seem fine, bro,” Justin said. “You look like you’re ready to burst a blood vessel.” Yeah, right in the middle of Justin’s forehead. Looking at Justin’s smug expression, I thought I might just lose it if I stayed in here with him. “I just need some fresh air.” Snatching up my jacket, I headed out the front door. Once I was out in the hallway, I exhaled, allowing my breath to expand. After throwing on my jacket, I started heading toward the exit while simultaneously dialing London’s number. It was time to get to the bottom of this. Tonight I wouldn’t let her skirt my questions. Irritation bubbled inside of me with each ring. If I was back home, I’d just show up at her house and make her talk. That was the thing about London. Her expressions gave everything away, so there was no way she could lie when we were face to face. As I stepped outside, I recalled the first time I declared my feelings for London. I had a shitty practice that night too, and just like tonight, it had been London’s fault. Of course, the circumstances were completely different. I had been trying to deny my feelings for London. A lot of good it did. Once I’d looked into that girl’s eyes she’d cast a spell on me. I didn’t have a chance. She’d gotten a hold of my heart. It was hers. “Hey, Cooper,” London answered, interrupting my thoughts. “Hey.” My tone was softer than I had anticipated. Her voice alone had tempered my anger a bit. I

left the cement walkway, my feet sinking into the newly-watered grass as I inhaled the scent of damp earth. “How’s it going?” Finding a nearby tree, I leaned against it, shoving my left hand deep into the pocket of my jeans. My hair was still a little wet from the shower I’d taken after practice, and a chill ran down my spine. “Good. What about you? How was practice tonight?” “Not great,” I answered honestly. “Why? Ace still being an ass?” “Yeah, but that wasn’t why.” I sucked in a breath. “I played poorly. My pitches were off, and I couldn’t stay focused.” “Oh, I’m sorry, Coop.” “Yeah, it really sucked. I can’t afford to have an off day. Not here. And especially not with Ace vying for my spot. You should’ve seen the smug look on the sick bastard’s face.” Anger boiled inside me at the memory. “It’s just one practice. I’m sure you’ll pull it together before the next one.” “I guess that all depends on you, London.” “What?” There was shock in her tone. “Why me?” “Tell me what’s going on,” I demanded, yanking my hand out of my pocket. The rough fabric chafed my skin. “What are you talking about?” “I know you’re hiding something.” Silence filled the line, and for a second I worried that she’d hung up on me. “London?” A breeze kicked up, cool air brushing over me. I shivered. “Yeah, I’m here,” she spoke softly, slowly. “C’mon, baby, talk to me.” An exasperated sigh filled the line. “I’ve been sick.” Even though it was what I’d expected, it still bowled me over. My knees softened, and I had to use the tree as support to keep myself upright. “Oh, my god. Why did you keep this from me?”

“This is exactly why. I knew you’d think the worst. I knew you’d jump to the wrong conclusion. But it’s not cancer. It’s nothing. Just a virus.” The relief I felt was palpable, so thick I could almost hold it in my hand, feel it against my flesh. However, it was quickly replaced with confusion. “I don’t get it. Why the secrecy then?” “I wasn’t sure what was wrong. I didn’t know until I got the results from my doctor today.” Confusion was ramping up to full-blown anger. “You went to the doctor without telling me?” “I didn’t want you to worry.” “Did you think the cancer was back? Is that why you went to the doctor?” “The symptoms were similar, but I wasn’t sure.” “And you didn’t think I had a right to know?” I pushed off the tree and started pacing. A couple walked past me, glancing over curiously. But I was too amped up to care if I was making a scene. “I didn’t think there was any point in telling you until I knew something concrete.” “So that’s how it’s going to be, huh? You’re going to pick and choose the things you think are important enough to tell me? What other things have you kept from me?” “Nothing.” “Funny, I don’t believe you,” I said through gritted teeth. Frustrated, I ran a hand through my hair. It was dry now, but the strands were still icy. However, I no longer felt cold. The adrenaline pumping through my veins had warmed me up. “This is the only thing I haven’t told you. I promise.” “You promise, huh?” I snorted. “I seem to remember another promise you made me. Remember that, London? When you promised to always keep me in the loop when it came to your health?” “Coop,” she whispered my name so sweetly that some of the fight in me withered like a deflated balloon. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I should have told you.” “I still don’t understand why you didn’t.” “You have enough on your plate with college classes, roommate issues and baseball. I didn’t want to add to that. I would have told you if the results were different, Coop. But I didn’t see a reason to get you all worked up if it ended up being nothing.” She paused. “And it did end up being nothing. I’m

perfectly healthy. No harm, no foul.” She did have a point, but she was also missing mine. “I get that, London. I do. But it’s still not fair. Not to you or me,” I said. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to be so far away from you?” “Of course, because it’s equally hard on me.” “Right. Now imagine if you found out I was keeping something really important from you. Wouldn’t it make you feel even more disconnected from me?” “You did keep something from me, Coop.” Her words pierced my heart. “You’re mad at me, but you did the exact same thing when you kept the whole Ace thing from me.” I wanted to argue, to tell her that this was completely different. But it wasn’t, was it? They were both secrets. Both of us had hidden things in an attempt to shield the other. “God, baby, I’m sorry.” “It’s okay. This is difficult for both of us.” “You can say that again,” I said miserably. “But we’re gonna get through it, right?” “Of course.” The alternative was too difficult for me to even entertain. “But for the record, there’s always room on my plate for you. It doesn’t matter what else is going on in my life, you come first. You got that?” “Yeah, I get it.” “How are you feeling now?” “A lot better, actually.” “So you’re all ready for my visit then?” “I’m counting down the days.” “Me too, baby. Me too.”

CHAPTER 9

London It was easy to spot him in the crowd. I’d recognize his easy swagger anywhere, the way he moved effortlessly through the sea of people. There was no way he could blend in, not even in a stuffy airport. Also, it helped that he was wearing one of his A’s baseball caps. The dark green and bright yellow colors were like an arrow pointing me in Cooper’s direction. Reaching up, I pulled down on the bill of my own cap. Cooper had asked me to wear my A’s hat too. He said it would help us locate each other. I did it to humor him, but I knew it was unnecessary. We’d find each other no matter what. When his gaze met mine, the smile that swept across his face caused my heart to skip a beat. His familiar dimple appeared on his cheek, and I could no longer contain myself. I raced toward him with abandon. Using my elbows, I fought my way through the crowd to reach him. He was wearing faded jeans and a grey t-shirt that melded to the taut muscles in his chest, and I noted that his arms were more defined than when he left. I was surprised that his skin was even more tanned than over the summer. It was almost impossible to get color on my pale skin, but Cooper browned so easily. His blue eyes pierced mine as I neared him, and my stomach flipped. “Cooper.” His name came out in a sigh, relief at finally seeing him face to face cascading over me. Without a word his hand curved around my neck, and he drew me to him. We tilted our heads so our caps wouldn’t get in the way before Cooper’s lips claimed mine, clamping down firmly. I melted into him, savoring the softness of his lips, the heat of his mouth. My hands slid up his chest, and I gripped his shirt, fisting it in my palms tightly as if I’d never let go. His tongue teased my lips open and explored my mouth while his fingers caressed my neck. The pads of fingers were smooth against my flesh, causing chills to skitter down my spine. God, I’d missed his touch. His other hand found my waist, his fingers catching on the belt loop of my jeans and tugging me forward. Our tongues melded together, tasting each other as if we couldn’t get enough. And I guess we couldn’t. I knew I never wanted the kiss to end. My fingers played with the collar of his shirt and then moved upward, skimming the light stubble on his chin.

As his lips continued to move over mine, I lost myself in him. I tuned out everything around us, focusing in on the way his lips felt against mine, the way his tongue tasted, the way his fingers felt on my skin. And I realized that this was the first time I’d felt one hundred percent content and whole in months. “God, I’ve missed you,” he breathed against my mouth. “Me too.” He drew back, his gaze lowering, taking in my whole body. Suddenly I wished I’d worn something more exciting than a pair of jeans and a navy blue shirt. “You are so beautiful.” The sincerity in his voice caused my misgivings to disappear. Hell, I probably could’ve worn a tablecloth and he would have thought I looked good. The intensity in his gaze betrayed how much he wanted me, and it caused heat to rise to my cheeks. “The computer doesn’t do you justice, baby.” He reached up, fingering the hair that was tucked behind my ear. “Your hair is getting longer.” I nodded, his thumb grazing my ear. “And those eyes.” He groaned. “Man, I’ve missed those gorgeous eyes of yours.” Biting my lip, I grinned. “Now that I’ve seen you again, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to go back. It was hard enough to say goodbye the first time.” His face lowered, his lips connecting to mine. This time we kissed softly, not nearly as desperate as the first time. We took our time, a gentle push and pull. “Luckily, this is hello, not goodbye.” I reminded him when we separated. It was the first time I’d seen him in months. There was no way I was ruining it by talking about when he left again. “You’re right, and we have an entire week together.” He smiled. There was that darn dimple. Man, I’d missed seeing it in person. Without thinking, I lifted my hand and touched it. When an amused expression cloaked his face, embarrassment filled me. I drew my hand back, but Cooper captured it in his. “It’s okay. You can touch me. I’ll let you.” “Yeah, I bet.” I giggled, casting my gaze downward. “It’s just so much better in person, you know?” “Yeah, I do. I’ve been dying to touch you for months, London. It’s been hell to only see you through

a screen.” His lips brushed my ear as he whispered, “You’re actually lucky we’re in public. You don’t even want to know the things running through my mind right now.” My face flamed, my toes curling in my tennis shoes. Clearing my throat, I fought my heart to slow down. “I’m sure I don’t,” I teased. His fingers threaded mine, linking us together. “Let’s go grab my bag so I can get you alone.” He winked, and my lips curled at the edges. Hand in hand we walked toward the baggage claim. A lady whisked past, her high heels clacking on the sleek floor. Behind her a family chattered loudly as they walked beside us. Sighing, I nestled closer to Cooper, clutching tightly to his hand. It seemed unreal that he was here. I’d been fantasizing about it for months, and a part of me felt like I was still dreaming. He squeezed my hand as if to confirm his existence, and I gazed up at him with a cheesy grin on my face. “You’re gonna have to stop looking at me like that,” Cooper said, eyebrows raised. “Looking at you like what?” “Like you want to eat me,” he said. Stunned, I reeled back. “I was not looking at you like that.” “Relax.” He stopped walking and faced me. “I like it. I like knowing that you missed me as much as I missed you. God, London, I was in agony on the flight wondering if things would be the same between us. Wondering if we’d have that same spark. When you came running to me, I can’t even describe how happy it made me; how relieved I felt. And I realized that we aren’t the same as we were before. We’re even better. Being away from each other didn’t tear us apart. It’s made us closer.” He stepped toward me until our chests bumped. His face was so close our breath mingled together, a mixture of mint toothpaste and cherry lip gloss. “I can honestly say I’ve never loved you more than I do in this moment.” “That’s how I feel too,” I told him honestly. “So don’t be embarrassed at the way you were staring at me.” He smiled. “Because, trust me, I liked it. And for the record, I was looking at you the same way.” Bending toward me, he stole a kiss on my lips. Just a quick one, a barely there kiss, but it still made my heart stutter in my chest. Everything Cooper did had that effect on me. “I was only warning you that I may not be able to control myself if you keep giving me that look.”

I chuckled, glad that he’d put me at ease. For a moment I worried that I was coming on too strong. That I was acting too immature or something. But I couldn’t temper the giddiness I felt about having Cooper home. I was grateful that he felt the same level of giddiness about being here. It made everything feel right. The truth was that I had been worried too. I had no idea what to expect when I saw Cooper again. It had been months since I’d seen him, and I wasn’t sure if he’d changed at all or if his feelings for me would be the same. But I should have known better. Cooper and I were connected. Cooper folded his hand over mine and yanked me forward. There was a large crowd at the baggage claim, so we had to clamor to find an empty spot to stand. Pushing up on my tiptoes, I peered at the suitcases, varying shades of grey, black, and blue as they were carried along the conveyer belt. “Do you see yours?” I asked, anxious to get out of the airport. If we only had a week to spend together, I didn’t want to waste a minute. “Not yet.” Cooper furrowed his brows, his gaze trained on the luggage in front of us. The way his nose wrinkled slightly and his forehead became a mess of squiggly lines was cute. It made me want to kiss him again. At the thought my gaze fell to his full lips. I licked mine just as Cooper turned in my direction. Wearing a mischievous grin, he wrapped his arms around my waist and hoisted me up. I gasped in surprise as my feet left the ground. “What are you doing?” I asked, breathless and heady. A part of me was appalled, the other part was honestly a little turned on. “I decided I don’t need my luggage after all. I have everything I need right here.” My heart melted at his words. As he lifted me up further, I circled my legs around his waist so I wouldn’t fall. My arms rested on his shoulders. A few bystanders glanced over curiously. Usually I didn’t like making a scene. I didn’t like attention. But today I couldn’t care less about any of that. All that mattered was that I was here with Cooper. All I wanted was to enjoy every second we had together. When his arms tightened around me, I couldn’t help but notice how strong he was. His muscles bulged from under his t-shirt. “You’ve been working out,” I mused. “You like?” He raised his brow.

I nodded. “If you like that, there’s a lot more I could show you.” One corner of his mouth twitched as he started walking away from baggage claim with me in his arms. “Wait,” I stopped him. “We didn’t get your stuff.” “Yes, we did. It’s right here in my arms.” “But what will you wear?” I teased. “I’ll wear you.” He winked, nipping my bottom lip with his teeth. “I don’t think that’s going to go over so well with my dad or your grandparents,” I reminded him. He shook his head. “Wow, you sure know how to ruin the moment.” Chuckling, I tilted my face until our noses bumped. My hat got in the way a little bit, so I spun it around until the bill was in the back. Then I leaned in again. As my mouth skimmed Cooper’s, I darted out my tongue and licked his top lip. “Then I better redeem it.” His lips parted, and I swept my tongue inside, my hands clutching the back of his neck. “Oh, yeah, I think you did just that,” Cooper growled. “It’s time to get the hell outta here.” Depositing me on the ground, he swung around and frantically searched the conveyer belt for his luggage. “You seem pretty intent on finding your suitcase now,” I teased, my fingers curling around his arm. It flexed beneath my flesh, causing a fresh wave of desire to shoot through me. What the hell was going on? I was acting like a guy. I guess I had missed Cooper even more than I realized. His proximity had awakened feelings in me that I hadn’t experienced in months. “Ah, there it is.” Leaning forward, he snatched up the suitcase and set it on the floor next to us. “Now we can go.” “Where to?” I asked, assuming he’d want to head straight to his grandparents’. I knew he had missed them as well. “Anywhere we can be alone. I’m not ready to share you yet.” My insides quivered, anticipation filling me from my head to my toes. The next few days flew by. Cooper and I hardly spent a moment apart. It was like we truly were

attached at the hip. We separated only at night when we had to sleep. Even then I’d toss and turn, dreaming of when I’d see Cooper in the morning. When Thursday morning greeted me, I woke up with a sense of satisfaction knowing that I would spend Thanksgiving with Cooper and his family. I was supposed to spend the holiday with him last year, but ended up hospitalized. My stomach clenched at the memory of the dreary day spent eating hospital food and staring at stark white walls. For seventeen years I took my health for granted. I went about my life never thinking about how fortunate I was to be healthy and strong. But that was no longer the case. Now a day didn’t go by when I didn’t rejoice in the fact that I was still here, that I wasn’t sick, that I was healthy enough to enjoy my life. And whenever the thought went through my mind, I thought of Cooper. I thought of the sacrifice he made so I could be here. How he gave me a part of himself. He wasn’t just the love of my life. He was my godsend. My savior. “London?” Dad knocked on my bedroom door while I brushed through my short hair. The edges curled slightly around my ears. “Yes,” I called out. “You ready?” Glancing back at the mirror above my dresser, I assessed my appearance. I took in my short blond hair, my pale face, glossy heart-shaped lips, and wide eyes framed with lightly mascaraed lashes. My gaze moved down to the flowing shirt I wore over a pair of leggings and black boots. It was the dressiest outfit I owned. Skyler made me buy it when we went to the mall last week. Imagining what Cooper would think when he saw me today made me glad that I had listened to Skyler. “Yeah. I’m coming.” With the palms of my hands, I smoothed down my shirt. Then I plucked the phone and purse off my dresser and headed toward the hallway. Dad was standing by the front door when I reached the family room. He wore a neatly pressed collared shirt that was tucked into a pair of khaki pants held up by a black belt. On his feet he wore a pair of dress shoes, and his hair was slick with gel. “Wow. You clean up nice,” I said, surprised by his appearance. My dad was a mechanic, so he usually wore jeans and t-shirts, his hands covered in black grease. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen him

dressed up. It must have been when Mom was still alive. The familiar ache of missing her spread through my chest, but I shook it off. This was not the day to dwell on sad memories. “So do you.” Dad smiled. “You look lovely.” “Thanks.” I bit my lip, and then followed Dad outside. Once we were in the car, Dad turned on his oldies radio station and pulled out of the driveway. His fingers tapped against the steering wheel as he drove, keeping time with the music. Cooper often did that as well, and it made me wonder if it was a male thing. Like perhaps deep down they all wanted to be drummers. “You’re okay with this, right?” I asked. “I mean, I know it’s always just been the two of us on Thanksgiving.” Dad had been cool about my relationship with Cooper from the beginning. And I knew he liked Cooper’s grandparents. Still, I worried about him sometimes. It had always been the two of us, and Dad had never seemed to want it any differently. “I’m more than okay with this, pumpkin. In fact, I’m looking forward to it.” He kept his gaze focused on the road, his hands wrapped around the steering wheel. The streets were quiet today, the sky grey and full of clouds. “Good.” I shifted in my seat, tugging down on my shirt. “It sure beats last Thanksgiving.” I stilled, my neck craning in his direction. He still wasn’t looking at me, but his expression was open and vulnerable. In it I could see the words he hadn’t said. “Yeah, it does,” I said softly. “In more ways than one.” The rest of the drive we were quiet, and I knew we were both thinking of how far I’d come. About how much my life had changed in the course of a year.

CHAPTER 10

Cooper “You’re really killing me with that outfit, London,” I whispered, cornering her in the hallway. Placing my hands on her hips, I gently pressed her up against the wall. The silky fabric of her shirt was cool against my fingertips, and my thumbs skimmed the hipbones that jutted out from her small frame. A startled giggle escaped through her lips, and her gaze darted down the hallway. I could hear Dexter and Grandpa talking in the family room, the sound of water running and dishes clinking in the kitchen. We’d just finished dinner, so the men were chatting over after-dinner drinks, and Grandma was doing dishes. Therefore, I’d taken this opportunity to get London alone. Ever since she’d shown up wearing that sexy outfit, I’d been dying to lure her away from prying eyes. “You like it?” She asked, uncertainty in her voice. Her thick lashes lowered, her glossy lips shimmering under the dim lighting. “‘Like’ is an understatement.” Curving my hands around her hips, I held her in place. Then I leaned down, stealing a kiss on her lips. Just a quick one. A soft peck. I knew we couldn’t make out in the middle of the hallway. Anyone could come walking in on us. However, now I wished I would’ve resisted the urge. Giving London a tiny kiss was like trying to eat one chip out of the bag. It was impossible. “I freaking love it.” Throwing caution to the wind, my lips found hers once again. She responded eagerly, despite her dad being in the next room. Our mouths moved in sync as if this was a dance routine and we were moving to the beat of the music. Lifting her arms, she placed both hands on my chest. Her fingers grazed my chest muscles, causing my pulse to race. I tightened my hold on her waist. Footsteps and shuffling from the adjoining room caused us both to stiffen. My grandparents and Dexter were cool with our relationship, but they were old fashioned. I was fairly certain none of them wanted to witness us kissing. Besides, when we first started dating I had promised Dexter I’d always be a gentleman toward London. And I planned to keep that promise. I didn’t think he’d be very happy if he walked in on me mauling her in the hallway after Thanksgiving dinner. With that in mind, I pulled away, reluctance filling

me. Lip gloss was smeared across London’s mouth and chin, and she hurriedly wiped it off. I released my hold on her waist as she pushed off the wall. When she licked her lips, I let out an audible groan. “Seriously, are you trying to kill me? Is that you’re goal?” She chuckled. “No, trust me, that’s not my goal.” Her hand lightly touched my arm. “I would never try to kill you. I want you here with me forever.” Her eyes widened as if she just registered what she said. A look of regret passed over her features. “I didn’t mean…well, you know. I mean, not forever. Just, you know, for now. I-I- just meant that I don’t want you to die.” God, she was cute when she got flustered. “It’s fine.” I snatched up her hand, knotting our fingers together. “I’m glad you want me with you forever.” I was sure her statement would freak out most guys, but honestly, it didn’t bother me. The truth was that a part of me felt like London and I would be together forever. We may have been young, but I couldn’t imagine ever feeling like this for anyone else. “I did promise to love you always, didn’t I?” She looked stricken, and I wondered what I’d done wrong. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s not what I meant. It just sort of slipped out. I didn’t really mean that I want to be with you forever.” Her words were like a sucker punch, and they stopped me cold. I released her hand, and it fell by her side. “You don’t?” “Well, I don’t know. I mean, we’re young, and we have no idea what the future holds. I don’t think we should make forever-type promises right now.” “There you guys are,” Dexter’s voice interrupted us. My head bobbed up, my eyes catching his. As if sensing that he walked in on something serious, his expression sobered. “Everything okay?” “Yeah.” London smiled. I stared at her, feeling like I’d been slapped. “Great.” Dexter rubbed his palms together. “We’re going to have dessert soon.” I took a deep breath. “London and I are going for a little walk.” “We are?” She cocked her head to the side. I narrowed my eyes, grabbing one of her hands. “Yes, we are.” “O-kay.” She drug out the word like she was confused.

Dexter furrowed his brows, but nodded. I could tell he knew something was up, but he stood out of the way allowing us to pass. Before reaching the front door, I stopped at the hall closet. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins, and I was anxious to finish this conversation. But I wasn’t a dick. It was cold outside, and there was no way I’d allow London to freeze her ass off out there. Dipping my hand inside the closet, I pulled out two jackets. I handed one to London and put on the other one. After we had them on, I wrapped my hand around hers and yanked her out the front door. “What the hell is going on with you?” She asked the minute we stepped outside. “Me? You basically just told me that I’m a passing thing for you, and you’re asking what’s wrong with me?” My shock had now turned into pure anger. Her face softened, her eyes crinkling around the edges. A breeze washed over us and she shivered, cinching the jacket tighter. “That’s not what I said.” “It sure as hell sounded like that to me.” My words were harsh, and she stepped back from me, her chest heaving as she breathed. It made me feel bad for fighting with her today. After everything she’d been through, she should be enjoying Thanksgiving. She didn’t get to celebrate at all last year. But I couldn’t let this go. I had to know what she meant. “If you don’t think we have a future together, then what the hell is the point of all this? Do you know how many girls I’ve turned down to stay with you? And for what? So you can pass the time with me for as long as you feel like it.” As soon as the words were out, I knew it was the wrong thing to say. Her body went rigid. “I had no idea you were making such a huge sacrifice.” Her words were slow, deliberate, and hollow. I felt like shit. Why had I said that? But I knew why. I was angry. I was upset. I was hurt. But it was no excuse to hurt her back. Stepping forward, I reached for her, but she pulled away. “Don’t.” Folding her arms, she tucked them into her body. “London, I’m sorry.” “I’m not.” She shook her head, her eyes cold and steely. “I’m glad you finally told me how you felt.” “It came out wrong.” I hung my head, certain I was the biggest asshole in the universe.

“No, it’s fine. And I don’t want to keep you from doing what you want anymore, so go ahead and date all these girls you’ve been forced to turn down for me.” Her lips trembled slightly as she spun away. Desperation bloomed in my chest, opening up slowly like the bud of a flower. The petals quivered against my ribcage, making it difficult to breathe. I lunged toward her, circling my hand around her wrist. “I haven’t been forced to turn anyone down. I’ve wanted to.” She stiffened, but didn’t turn around. “I don’t want anyone but you, London. You know that.” Tentatively, I moved closer to her. Slowly, I slid my arms around her waist and tugged her to me until her back was flush against my chest. I took it as a good sign when she didn’t pull away. “I was just mad, and I didn’t think before I spoke.” “Sometimes the things we blurt out without thinking are the most honest.” I rested my head on her shoulder, my chin rubbing against the rough fabric of the jacket. The scent of her cherry lip gloss mixed with her apple shampoo wafted under my nose. The familiarity of it caused some of my anger to dissipate. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I felt her body react to my words, and I knew she was going to take off again, so I held her tighter. “It’s true that I’ve turned down a lot of girls to be with you. But I wasn’t complaining. I was stating fact. Baby, you’re the only girl I want. The only girl I’ll ever want. I’m sure of that. I’ve been sure of it for awhile. That’s why I got so angry. It kills me to know that you’re not certain you’ll always want me.” London sighed, leaning her head back. By doing so she left her neck exposed, and despite everything, I wanted to kiss it. But I kept my composure. “I am certain that I’ll always want to be with you,” she whispered so softly I had to strain to hear it. Releasing her, I moved to stand in front of her. Then I framed her face with my hands. “Then why did you say that you didn’t?” She bit her lip. “Because you said that you promised to always love me.” She said it like it was a bad thing, and it baffled me. “Okay, you’re gonna have to help me out here. What’s wrong with that?” “You’re the most loyal guy I know, and you always keep your promises. I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay with me. I know I was sick when we got together, but I’m healthy now. I can survive on

my own, so if you want to move on at any point, you can. You’re free to do that. I won’t hold you to the promises you’ve made.” My stomach lurched. “Baby, is that what you think? That I was with you because you were sick? And that I’m staying with you out of some sense of obligation?” Moisture gathered in her eyes. “I know you worry about me. Dad told me about the phone calls you’ve made to him. And I can hear the concern in your voice every time I don’t feel well or I have a doctor’s appointment. I mean, you totally freaked a couple of weeks ago when you found out that I’d been to the doctor and hadn’t told you.” “Of course I worry. I love you.” “Most couples don’t stay together after high school, and sometimes I wonder if the only reason we’re lasting is because you feel like you have to stay with me. Like you’re worried if you leave me I’ll have a relapse or something.” I ran my thumb over her cheek. “Trust me, that’s not the reason. I know how strong you are. I know you can survive without me. Hell, if we broke up, I’m pretty sure I would be the one who wouldn’t survive. Baby, we’re still together because there is no one else in the world I’d rather be with. We’re still together because you own my heart. It has nothing to do with your illness or the promises I’ve made. It has to do with you and who you are. Honestly, I never even would have made those promises unless my feelings for you were strong enough to back them up. You are the love of my life. And if I haven’t made that clear to you yet, then I’m sorry. I’ll do a better job of showing you just how much you mean to me.” I paused, my gaze lowering to her lips. “Starting right now.” My hands curved around her face, my fingers slipping into her short hair. Angling my face, my lips brushed hers lightly. She puckered up, and I almost sighed with relief, grateful that her icy exterior was thawing. Grateful that she wanted me. I had no desire to move swiftly. I wanted to savor every second, so I feathered my lips over hers once again. Lip gloss painted my lips, sticky and sweet. We were standing on the front porch, so I knew Dexter or my grandparents could look out the window and see us. Still I couldn’t help myself. I had to show London how I felt. I had to erase any doubts she had. There were no hats in the way this time, so I drew her face as close to mine as possible and pressed my lips to hers. She opened her mouth slightly as if inviting me

entry. Heart hammering, I slipped my tongue inside, running it over her tongue and swirling it into her mouth. Her hands slid up my chest and curled around my shoulders before looping my neck. I shivered as her fingernails raked over my skin. In the kiss I conveyed my need for her, my desire for her, my attraction to her and only her. I kissed her hungrily, greedily. And when we parted, I ran my fingertips over her face, touching the smooth, supple skin as if trying to memorize every beautiful feature. “London, you are right about one thing. We may be too young to make forever-type promises. Hell, if you were out of high school and I was finished with college, I’d marry you tomorrow. But I know that isn’t possible for us right now. I know most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart. But I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.” Moving in close, I swept my nose over hers. “I’m not asking you to marry me, London. Not today anyway. I just want to know that you can visualize that one day happening. I need to know that you think it’s a possibility. When I fantasize about my future, you’re always in it. I guess I just assumed it was the same for you.” “It is the same for me,” London said breathlessly. “I do want to be with you forever, Coop. I really do. I just get scared sometimes, you know?” “I know.” I looked into her eyes, those gorgeous eyes that I wanted to get lost in for the rest of my life. “But you don’t need to. You’re everything to me, London.” She smiled. “I love you, Coop.” “I love you too, London.” I smiled back. “Always.”

CHAPTER 11

London It was hard when Cooper went back to school after Thanksgiving break, but at least I knew Christmas was right around the corner. Plus, the weeks leading up to the holiday were chock full. We released a holiday edition of the paper, and we had finals at school. Between studying, writing and editing, I hardly had time to think about how much I missed Cooper. But I was grateful for the busyness because the time flew, and before I knew it Cooper was back. “How is it possible that you are even more beautiful than a few weeks ago?” Cooper threaded his fingers through mine, linking us together. Our arms swung between us as we walked through the tree lot, the scent of pine needles encircling us. Unsure of what to say to that, I just smiled and squeezed Cooper’s hand tighter. Dad walked up ahead, his gaze scouring the rows of dark green trees. Cooper had wanted to be with us when we got our tree this year, so we had waited for him. Besides, Dad said it would be easier to set up the tree with a guy’s help. At first I had scoffed at that, a little offended. But then I remembered all the years we had a crooked tree because I had held the tree at an angle while Dad screwed it into the stand. I was sure Cooper would be more competent than I was. However, I wasn’t stupid. I knew Dad’s decision had less to do with having a crooked tree, and more to do with the fact that he didn’t want me to over-exert myself. I may have been healthy now, but it would be awhile before Dad stopped treating me like I was as fragile as a thin piece of glass. “What about this one?” Cooper stopped at a tall tree with branches that were sparse and far apart. “No.” I shook my head. “It’s like a Charlie Brown tree.” “It is not.” He ran his fingertip over one of the fragrant branches. “This is the kind of tree we get every year.” I bit my lip, feeling a little bad. Truth was that I kind of thought he was teasing when he pointed at it. Then again, I’d been so sick last year that I never went to his house during the holidays. I guess I had

wrongfully assumed his family got the same kind of tree as us. Now I wished I had kept my mouth shut. “Oh, well…it’s nice. I like it.” I hoped my feeble attempt to fix it had worked, though I suspected the damage was already done. Cooper grinned. “I like seeing you squirm. It’s adorable.” He snaked his arm around my waist and tugged me forward. Our chests bumped. “But it’s fine. I know you don’t like the tree.” When I blew my breath out, a puff of white air floated between our faces. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was the kind of tree you got.” “It’s all right. Today isn’t about me. It’s about picking out the perfect tree for my girl.” He stole a quick kiss on my cheek, his lips hot against my frigid skin, and then released me. “So point me in the right direction.” His hand found mine again, his fingers warming my cold ones. “I think I found the one,” Dad’s voice boomed from behind a wall of trees. “Coming!” I smiled, tugging on Cooper’s arm. We wove through the trees to meet Dad. Prickly branches caught on the fabric of my jacket, some of the needles falling. When we reached Dad, he stood next to a bushy Douglas Fir. It was exactly the kind of tree I loved, a tree so full I couldn’t even see the trunk. Dad spun it around so I could inspect every angle. There was one spot that was a tad out of proportion, but I figured that could go against the wall. “I love it,” I said, nodding in approval. “I knew you would.” Dad set the tree back down. “Okay. You two wait here, and I’ll go grab someone to help us.” “I guess I should’ve left the tree hunting to Dexter from the beginning.” Cooper drew me to him. I circled my arms around his neck. “I’m sorry I chose his tree over yours. It’s just that Dad and I have been doing this together for a long time, so he knows the ones I prefer.” “I get it.” Leaning in, he nuzzled my face with his nose. It was cold and I shivered. “I love that I’m always learning new things about you.” He ran his hands up and down my arms in an attempt to warm me up while his own teeth chattered. “Damn, it’s cold today.” I nodded. “It must be jarring for my So Cal boy, huh?”

“Oh, it gets cold in So Cal too.” He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close. “The only difference is I don’t have my girl there to keep me warm.” “Oh, I’ll warm you up all right,” I said coyly, surprised by how seductive my voice came out sounding. Cooper cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t tease me, baby.” I giggled. “Who said I’m teasing? I fully intend to warm you up.” Cooper shrugged. “Okay, I’m game. Show me what you got.” The sound of shoes crunching on pine needles caught our attention, and we turned to see Dad returning with a man wearing overalls and a red knit hat. I pointed out the tree we picked, and the man snatched it up carrying it to the front of the lot. Dad trailed behind him, but when I turned to follow them Cooper stopped me. His hand clamped around my wrist. “We weren’t done,” he said, yanking me back toward him. My lips curled at the edges. “We weren’t?” “I believe you promised to warm me up, and you better do it fast because I think I’m pretty close to freezing to death out here.” A chuckle escaped through my lips. “Freezing to death? I don’t think so. It may be cold, but I don’t think it’s possible to freeze to death in 40 degree weather. In fact, water doesn’t even freeze unless it’s below 30 degrees.” “Okay, Ms. Brainiac.” His face held a teasing gleam. “I’m off school this week. I don’t want a lesson on the weather. I want my girlfriend, so get over here and warm me up.” “Bossy.” I smiled, stepping toward him. “But you’re right. I promised to warm you up, so I will.” Heart hammering in my chest, I was acutely aware of Dad just feet away paying for the tree. But the knowledge that we were hidden behind a row of trees caused boldness to rise in me. Slipping my hands under Cooper’s shirt, I trailed my palms up his chest. “Shit.” He jumped back. “Your hands are like ice.” Smiling, he reached for me. “Clearly you were confused about the challenge. I wanted you to warm me up, not freeze me.” He laughed, and I felt stupid. I didn’t know what I’d been thinking. Mostly I just wanted to touch his chest, and usually he liked it. But

obviously I hadn’t taken into account how cold my hands were right now. “Let me show you how it’s done.” Amused, I allowed him to lift my hands up to his mouth. Cupping them around his mouth, he blew hot air onto them and it skated over my skin. Then he gently folded my fingers down, covering them with his warm hands. After pressing a kiss to my forehead, he guided my hands under his jacket, careful to keep them outside of his shirt. He placed my hands on his chest and cinched his jacket around my arms. My hands warmed up as his heart thumped beneath my palms. “That better?” “Much.” I smiled up at him. “Ready?” Dad asked from over my shoulder, breaking into our intimate moment. Cooper released the hold on his jacket, and I extracted my hands. Face flushing I turned around. “He was helping me get warm,” I mumbled. Wearing a bemused smile, Dad nodded. “Yeah, I could see that.” Tucking my hand in his, Cooper stood beside me and together we followed behind Dad. When we rounded the corner, a flash of pink caught my attention. An overpowering floral scent smacked me in the face. “Oh my god, Cooper Montgomery!” A shrill voice rang out. I snapped my head up and my stomach tightened. Madison stood in front of us wearing that pink jacket she always wore. The fur around the edges framed her pale face. She pursed her pink lips and batted her long lashes as she stared at Cooper as if he had hung the moon. It was like she didn’t even know I was with him. As if she thought he was in this lot specifically for her. “I’m sorry. Do I know you?” Cooper said, and I felt my lip twitch. Staring at the ground, I willed my face to stay neutral. Madison, on the other hand, had more difficulty with that. Her eyes widened, her jaw slacking. “It’s me.” She pointed at her chest, as if that was clarification enough. “Madison Smith,” she spoke slowly, enunciating every syllable. Cooper shook his head. “Sorry. Doesn’t ring a bell.” She narrowed her eyes. “We met several times. We even talked for awhile at one of Calista’s parties.”

“You’ll have to forgive me, but Calista did throw a lot of parties, and I did meet a lot of girls at them.” I stiffened at his words, but he tightened his hold on my hand. “But don’t feel bad. None of the girls were that memorable.” He turned to me, and Madison’s gaze followed. It was the first time she’d looked at me at all. “Not until I met this girl, that is.” Leaning over, he planted a tender kiss on my lips. “She’s the only girl in this whole town worth remembering. In fact, I couldn’t forget her even if I tried.” He kissed me again. This time harder and longer. “Not that I’d ever want to.” With an apologetic expression he turned to Madison. “I’m sorry, but I really have to get going. I only have two weeks here, and I want to spend all of that time with my girl.” Madison huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. She glared at us as we stepped around her. “Did you really not remember her?” I whispered as we headed toward Dad’s car. “Vaguely.” He shrugged. “Did you and she…you know…” I didn’t really want to know, but for some reason I had to ask. “No.” He tugged me toward him as we walked forward, our feet crunching on pine needles and bark. “I was never interested in younger girls.” I craned my neck in his direction. “Until you, that is.” He winked, and I smiled. Glancing over his shoulder, his expression sobered. “She’s been harassing you, hasn’t she?” I hadn’t told Cooper about the things Madison had said. There was no point. It’s not like he could’ve done anything about it. “How did you know?” “I could tell by the way your body tensed when she showed up. It was the same way you used to react to Calista.” It was amazing how well he could read me. “Thanks.” My heart swelled when I thought about the way he put her in her place. “You don’t have to thank me. I meant every word I said.” The tree was already strapped to the top of Dad’s car when we reached it. We all piled inside, and Dad turned on the engine, his oldies station floating through the speakers. Rubbing my hands together, I anxiously waited for the air that spilled from the vents to get warmer. The tires bumped over rocks and gravel until we pulled out of the lot onto the asphalt of the street. We lived only a few blocks from the lot,

so we were home quickly. Once we arrived, Dad and Cooper untied the tree from the car and carried it inside. Dad and I had already gotten the tree stand ready. It sat in the only empty corner in our family room, between the couch and the wall. The space wasn’t very large, so we had to cram the tree to fit every year. Still, we made it work. It was impressive to see how quickly Cooper and Dad worked to get the tree up. When it was just Dad and me it took quite a bit longer. But the two guys were really efficient, and before I knew it, it was time to put on the lights. Excitedly, I pulled out a few strings of white lights and started wrapping them around the tree. The scent of pine and sap wafted under my nose. Dad clicked on some Christmas music, and it filled the room. “Want some hot chocolate, baby?” Cooper came up behind me, speaking so close to my ear that his breath fanned over it. Joy welling up inside me, I nodded. Emotion rose in my throat as he left the room, and I swallowed it down. Last year the day we set up the tree had been a tough one. I hadn’t been feeling well, so I wasn’t much help. We did get the tree in and decorated, but it was a long, grueling afternoon, and Dad ended up doing most of it while I rested on the couch watching. And it was so disheartening since this was my favorite part of the holiday. Before Mom died, decorating the tree was a huge event in our home. Mom would make hot chocolate and sing Christmas carols at the top of her lungs while she hung the ornaments. She had the nicest singing voice, and I used to listen with awe. Also, she had a story for each ornament, and she enjoyed sharing them with me. I loved hearing the stories, knowing the reason behind the ornament. After the tree was all decorated, I’d stare up at the tree, recalling each tale, the significance of every individual ornament. The tree took on new meaning to me then. It was no longer just a tree. It was more like a novel to me. Like the books I read every day. When Cooper returned with hot chocolate, I’d finished the lights and they sparkled, illuminating the tree. I stared at them as they twinkled in the dark green branches. Stepping back from the tree, I took the mug in my hands, wrapping my palms around it. Warmth seeped into my skin. Cooper’s arm slid around my shoulders. “Looks beautiful.”

“Thanks.” I rested my head on his shoulder. “Tired?” He asked. “Not at all.” I swiveled my head to look at him. “And you better not be either. We’ve only just begun.” With my free hand, I pointed to the two large boxes near the couch. “Those are filled with ornaments, and they all need to get up on that tree.” He smiled, holding his own mug of hot chocolate. Steam rose from it, and I inhaled the sweet scent. “I can’t wait to get started.” “Me either.” My lips curved at the edges. “Happiness looks good on you,” Cooper said, staring into my eyes. “Then I must look gorgeous today,” I bantered back. “Even more than usual, and that’s saying something.” “That’s because I’m so happy.” “You love this, huh? Decorating the tree and everything?” I nodded. “It’s been my favorite part of the holidays since I was a little girl. But with you being here, it’s even better.” Cooper moved his hand forward, clinking our mugs together. “Here’s to many more years of decorating trees together.” “Cheers.” I clinked his mug back, a broad smile sweeping my face. It may have just been a silly ritual, but I snatched it in my hand and tucked it in my heart, praying it was true. I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life having days like today. Days full of promise, hope and joy.

CHAPTER 12

Cooper After reading the last page, I set the paper next to my thigh and picked up my cell phone. Leaning my head back against the soft leather material of the couch, I dialed quickly. The house was quiet and dimly lit since my grandparents were already asleep. They were definitely morning people, in bed by nine, but up before the sun. Unlike me, who loved to stay up late, and had no interest in waking before the sun was out. Of course my baseball schedule didn’t always allow me the luxury of sleeping in. “I loved it,” I said when London answered her phone. “Really? It was just my first attempt. More of a practice story then anything. I’m sure my writing will get better.” “If it does, you’re going to be a bestselling author in no time.” “You really think so?” “I know so.” I shuffled the stack of papers, aligning them into a neat row. A sigh of relief filled the line. “I was so nervous about giving it to you. You’re the first person who’s read my work. But I figured since you gave me the laptop and you inspired the story, that you deserved the first peek.” “First peek. I like the sound of that. What other things are you planning to let me peek at?” I teased. “Oh, seriously, get your mind out of the gutter.” She sounded exasperated, but I could hear the amusement in her voice. After shaking the image of London allowing me a peek at things, my mind honed in on something she’d just said. “So, I inspired the story, huh? Does this mean that I was the handsome savior?” “Of course,” she said, like it should have been obvious. “Who else would it be?” When I read the story I hadn’t put myself in it at all. London’s characters seemed real to me. I pictured them as real people, as if they lived outside of London’s imagination. But now that I knew she

had actually thought of me when penning the hero, emotion welled in my throat making it difficult to respond. My relationship with London had taken me completely by surprise. She showed up out of nowhere, tearing into my life at a time when I hadn’t even been looking for anyone. At a time when I was actively pushing girls away. And yet, I couldn’t push her away. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling things for her. It didn’t make sense to me. She wasn’t the type of girl I usually went for. But she was exactly what I needed. I was grateful for our relationship every single day, but never as much as I was at this moment. Most people thought London was lucky to have me. When I was still in high school I heard the whispers in the hall. I knew what people thought about us dating. And when I gave her the bone marrow that saved her life, the rumors ramped up even further. I was the only one who knew how wrong they were. I was the lucky one. My whole life I’d kept people at a distance. And even though I was always surrounded by people, the truth was that I was lonely. There were times when I even worried that I’d be lonely the rest of my life. Like maybe I was destined to have a lifetime of superficial relationships that went nowhere. At times I even worried that the death of my parents had done irrevocable damage. That I was unable to connect to anyone at a deep level. London proved me wrong. And she’d saved me. Saved me from a life of loneliness. With her I felt whole and complete, connected. She showed me that I wasn’t unable to connect. I just hadn’t met anyone worth connecting with. But she was worth it. Damn, was she worth it. “I love it, baby,” I finally said. “I’m glad.” I could practically hear her smiling. “And I love my necklace.” “I know jewelry’s not really your thing. But when I saw it I could picture it on your neck, and I had to buy it,” I explained. “I know, and I truly love it.” I’d bought London a silver necklace with a single charm on it – a baseball. She was such a tomboy that she didn’t own one piece of jewelry. But this necklace wasn’t gaudy or girly looking. And I figured when she wore it it would remind her of me. I liked the thought that when I went back to school there

would be a piece of me next to her heart. “See you in the morning?” London asked, but there was no need to. “Of course,” I responded. I’d only left her house a couple of hours ago, and I planned to show up first thing in the morning. There was only one week left before I had to be back for practices, and I planned to spend every minute I could with London. “Are you going to go to Nate’s at some point?” “We’ll see.” Nate was here visiting from college too. He’d texted a couple of times, and while I wanted to see him, I hated the idea of it breaking into my time with London. “Coop, he’s your oldest friend. You’ve known him longer than me.” “Yeah, and maybe if he looked as sexy as you I’d want to see him,” I joked. London giggled. I loved that sound. “You need to see him. I’ll go with you if you want.” “You know you’re the coolest girlfriend ever, right?” “I have heard that before, yes.” “Okay. I’ll text him in the morning and let you know what we decide.” “Sounds good.” I heard her yawn. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” After a round of “I love yous,” we hung up. I scooped up London’s manuscript and headed upstairs, the pages fluttering between my fingers. Once I reached my room, I set the papers down, my gaze connecting with the hero’s name. My heart leapt, remembering her saying that I was the inspiration behind him. I only hoped I could live up to it. That I would always be her hero, her savior. That I would always be worthy of her heart. In the morning I texted Nate like I promised London I would. I’d just taken a shower, and the scent of shampoo drifted into my nostrils as I shot him off a text. Me: Hey, man. When do u want to meet? Phone in hand, I bounded down the stairs, my bare feet slapping against the steps. The sound of Grandma and Grandpa talking and the scent of coffee floated from the kitchen. Nate: Finally got a break from newspaper chick, huh?

Shaking my head, I chuckled. Me: Just for a little while. Nate: Cool. Want to meet for coffee? Rounding the corner toward the kitchen, I exited the screen and texted London. Me: Nate wants to meet for coffee this morning. U want to come or just get together later? “Good morning,” Grandma greeted me when I stepped into the bright kitchen. The blinds were open, light streaming in the windows and painting yellow stripes on the beige walls. “Hey.” I flashed a smile, and then glanced over at Grandpa who was sitting at the table, a mug of coffee in his hand. My phone buzzed, and I looked at it. London: Go spend time with your friend and come over later. Me: Ok. “Can I get you anything?” Grandma asked. “No, I’m actually gonna meet Nate for coffee.” “Oh, how nice,” Grandma said. “Tell him we said hi,” Grandpa interjected. “I will,” I assured him as I shot off another text to Nate. Me: I’m open. Just tell me when and where. The truth was that I was looking forward to seeing Nate. London was right. He was my oldest friend, and I liked seeing him. Still, I was hoping the visit would be brief so I could hurry over to London’s. Nate was cool, but the idea of kissing and holding London was much more appealing. As I waited for Nate’s response, the shrill sound of the phone ringing cut through the silence in the kitchen. Grandma hurried to it, answering in her sweet, welcoming voice. Then she paused, her brows furrowing, causing a knot to form in my stomach. Remembering my text exchange with London eased some of my panic. It couldn’t be about her. She was fine just a few minutes ago. “Um…sure. I’ll grab him.” She held the phone out, her hand covering the receiver. “Cooper, it’s for you.” “Who is it?” I moved forward tentatively, suspicious of the wary look on Grandma’s face.

She shook her head. “It’s a television station, but they didn’t say what they wanted.” Grandpa’s head popped up, the edges of his lips turning upward. “Maybe they want to do a story on you about your baseball career.” I wanted to buy into his enthusiasm, but it didn’t make sense. I was nobody. Just a third starter at a college. Surely a television station could find more riveting stories. However, curiosity got the better of me, and I took the phone in my hand and pressed it to my ear. “Hello.” “Cooper Montgomery?” A woman’s voice came on the line. Her tone was smooth, crisp, businesslike. A funny feeling descended in my stomach. I fought against the urge to hang up. “This is Alaina Swanson from The Premier 21 Station.” I knew of the station. It was mostly world news. I didn’t think they featured sports very often. “How are you?” “Good,” I answered slowly, uncertain. “Did you have a nice Christmas?” “Wow, you guys must be running out of stories if you’re calling random people to ask about their Christmas,” I joked, attempting to ease some of the uneasiness I felt. “I’m sorry. I guess I’ll just cut to the chase.” She paused. “As you know, we are coming up on the anniversary of the plane crash your parents were involved in.” Her tone had taken on a gentler quality, but it did little to lessen the blow. I held tightly to the countertop, my knuckles whitening. Now I wished I had followed my gut and hung up. “Our station is doing a story on the crash, and we would like to interview you for the piece.” I was already shaking my head. “No, I don’t think so.” “You wouldn’t have to go on camera. We could interview you over the phone even,” she said hurriedly as if afraid I would hang up, which I was very close to doing. “Even if you don’t, your parents will be mentioned in the piece. Wouldn’t it be better if you could weigh in, have your say?” “What would I say?” I asked harshly. “I was a kid. I didn’t know anything.” “We wouldn’t really want your thoughts on the crash. This is more of a human interest story. We’re

going to talk about the victims, what their lives were like, who they left behind. There were several other parents on board that day, so we thought we’d catch up with what their kids are doing now. We have several of them on board already.” I felt sick. “Then interview them. I’m not interested.” Angry, I slammed down the phone. Memories of the day I found out about the crash flooded me – my grandparents crying, holding me in their arms while I tried desperately to grasp the fact that I’d never see my parents again. For days I lie in bed wondering if they suffered. I’d seen movies with plane crashes where the whole thing was engulfed in flames or had sunk into the ocean, disappearing beneath the waves. And I wondered if that was what it was like for them. Were they burned alive? Did they drown? We finally got the report and learned some of the details. Then I knew they didn’t drown. And Grandma assured me that they had died instantly when the plane crashed. She told me that they didn’t suffer at all. Still I heard them screaming in my dreams, crying out for someone to help them as they died alone and scared, trapped in a plane on fire. Closing my eyes tightly I tried to block it all out. But it was too late. The phone call had brought it back, and I knew that it was only going to get worse now that there was a show airing about it. I prayed that I’d made the right decision by hanging up. But more than that, I prayed that they’d leave me alone. That I’d never have to hear about it again.

CHAPTER 13

London “I can’t believe you have to leave today,” I said, nestling into Cooper’s neck and inhaling the crisp scent of soap that lingered on his skin. My lips brushed over his warm flesh, tasting saltiness. We were in his room packing the remainder of his suitcase. His grandparents were out running a few errands, so the house was silent. When we threw the last of his clothes into the suitcase, the finality of it caused my stomach to clench. His arms tightened around my waist, and he stamped a kiss on my forehead. “I know. The last two weeks went by way too fast.” Irrational anger bubbled inside of me. The rest of the students at his school still had more vacation time left, but Cooper had to return for baseball practice. It didn’t seem fair. However, I would never voice this opinion aloud. Baseball was the reason Cooper was in college. It was his passion, his gift, his commitment, his future. It was important to him. Therefore it was important to me. Besides, he didn’t need me acting all needy. I knew it was just as hard for him to leave as it was for me to be left. “Yeah, but they were wonderful,” I told him. “Well, of course they were. You spent them with me.” Cooper winked. I giggled, reaching up my hand to touch his face. This morning he’d shaved off the stubble he’d allowed to grow over the break. Now his skin was smooth and soft on my fingertips. The pads of my fingers grazed his chin and slid over his cheek, my hand molding to the contours of his face perfectly. God, I would miss touching him like this. By tomorrow I’d only see him through a screen again. Cooper smiled, snatching up my hand and running his lips across my knuckles. A chill skittered down my spine as his eyes met mine, darkening with desire. With his free hand, he fingered a strand of my hair, sweeping it back from my face. His fingers skimmed my cheek, my lips, and lightly drifted down my neck and across my collarbone. I sucked in a breath, remaining still. “I’m going to miss you so much,” Cooper said, his gaze following every place he had touched.

Dropping my hand, he moved toward me. His eyes were now fixated on my lips, and my heart picked up speed. Lifting his hands, he framed my face, his fingers slipping beneath my short hair. I was grateful it was long enough for him to bury his fingers in it now. As his hands worked into my scalp it was like a sensual massage. Gently he guided my face upward until our lips barely grazed. A small sigh escaped from the back of my throat, and Cooper’s eyebrows raised in response. He brushed our lips together again, this time applying a little more pressure. It caused me to ache for more, and I arched my back attempting to get my face closer. But he held me at bay. “Someone’s impatient.” He clucked his tongue. “Someone’s being a tease,” I bantered back. “No teasing. I promise.” His lower lip swept over mine. “But I am taking this slow. It’s my last morning here, and I want to make it count. I want to give you a kiss you won’t be able to forget. A kiss that will haunt your dreams while I’m gone.” “A mind-blowing one?” I joked. “They’re all mind-blowing.” His lips touched mine briefly, and my knees softened. Reaching out, I looped my fingers through the belt loop of his jeans in an effort to steady myself. His hands were still around my face, and the way he caressed my head with his fingers was driving me wild. “We’ll have to come up with a new word for this one.” I wanted nothing more than to draw his face forward and kiss him desperately. But the anticipation was exciting, so I held back. Besides, his promise got me curious. He was right. Our kisses were always mind-blowing, so I was dying to see how he’d top them. There were those lips again. Moving softly over mine and then pulling back. My lips tingled, wanting more. His thumbs traced my lips, parting them slightly. Then he angled his face, his bottom lip touching mine. Exerting pressure, he firmly planted his mouth until every part of our lips were attached. His tongue slid along my lips, moistening them. Since my lips were already open a little, his tongue slipped inside easily. Our tongues meshed as his mouth moved deftly over mine. His hands left my hair, trailing down my neck and shoulders. Cooper’s palms folded around my shoulders, and he walked forward taking me with him. The back of my knees hit the edge of his bed, and I released my hold on his belt loops. Then he tenderly lowered me onto the bed, my back hitting the spongy mattress. Our lips separated momentarily as I lie

down. Cooper’s legs straddled me, his hands cupping my face again as he brought his lips down to meet mine. I lifted my arms gripping the fabric of his shirt and drawing him closer to me. His chest fell, blanketing mine. He lowered his arms, sliding them down my waist. My shirt rode up, causing his fingers to swipe the bare flesh of my stomach. I shivered, longing filling me. His gaze crashed into mine, our eyes locking. I froze, dropping my arms. His hands stilled. Our chests heaved with each breath. Without breaking eye contact, I tucked my hands under his shirt and slid my palms up his chest. He caught my lips in his once more, kissing me hard. Then his lips lowered, peppering caresses down my chin and neck. “I love you, Cooper,” I panted. “I love you too, London.” Nuzzling my neck he kissed me again, his lips tickling the sensitive flesh under my chin. “God, I love you.” His splayed hands moved slowly across my stomach. Tentatively he moved them up toward my chest. “I trust you,” I said. He lifted his head, and the look of gratitude in his eyes was overwhelming. “You sure?” I nodded. I did trust him. And I wanted him. I wanted every part of him. I wanted to be as close to him as two people could be. For the first time in my life, intimacy didn’t scare me at all. He lifted my shirt, his hands skating against my skin, over my stomach and chest. I bit my lip, savoring every touch. His gaze took in my bare flesh, and he sighed. “God, you’re so beautiful.” Reaching up, I touched his face, warmth filling me. As he lowered his head back down to mine, the rumble of tires sounded outside the window coupled with the garage door opening. I stiffened. His grandparents were home. “Shit.” Cooper breathed out, his forehead falling to mine. My stomach dropped. Man, did I have shitty timing or what? Cooper had been so patient with me, and when I finally decided I wanted him it was too late. He was leaving in a couple of hours, and this was the only time we had alone. “I’m sorry,” I said as he lowered my shirt back down. Already I missed his touch. “Hey.” He tucked his thumb under my chin. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You showed me that

you trusted me completely. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” He stole a quick kiss on my lips and then sat up. “This will happen when it’s supposed to. And when it does, it’s going to be…” His gaze shifted as if he was searching for the right word. “Mind-blowing?” Sitting up, I straightened my shirt and smoothed down my hair. “No. That phrase doesn’t do it justice.” He tapped his index finger against his chin. I slid off the bed and stood up, not wanting his grandparents to find me on his bed. The sound of the door opening and closing downstairs reached my ears. I tried to think of a phrase larger than mindblowing. “Earth-shattering?” “Ooh, I like that.” He snatched up both of my hands, knotting our fingers together. “Earthshattering.” “Well, for what it’s worth, I thought that kiss was pretty earth-shattering.” “Oh, baby, you have no idea.” Nothing could have prepared me for how difficult it was to say goodbye to Cooper this time. When I drove away from the airport, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I knew it would be months before I saw him again. And when I did it wouldn’t be the same. His grandparents had offered to take me with them when they went to a few of his games this spring. I was looking forward to it, and I was grateful for the offer. However, it wouldn’t be the same as the last couple of weeks had been. We wouldn’t have any time alone. The next time we’d have that would be in the summer. And that felt like a lifetime from now. Plus, I knew Cooper’s heart was heavy. The phone call from the television station had really rattled him. He put on a brave front, but I could see past it. The show had brought all of his memories back. It had stirred up old emotions, questions, and confusion he thought he’d left behind. His grandparents thought that perhaps if he got involved with the show it would help him to gain some closure, but he wouldn’t even entertain the idea. He said he’d already made up his mind, and nothing would change it. In all honesty, I sort of agreed with them. I knew what it was like to lose a parent at a young age. I knew how it stayed with you, cropping up at inopportune times. How the memory could break

you. How you couldn’t run from it no matter how hard you tried or how much distance you put between it. But I couldn’t tell him how I felt. What Cooper needed from me was understanding and support. So that’s what I’d give him. But it made it that much harder to say goodbye. I knew he was struggling, and I wanted to be with him. To help him through it the same way he’d helped me through my illness. And the same way he’d helped me get over some of the fear that had plagued me since my mother’s death. As I turned onto my street, my mind traveled back to this morning in Cooper’s room; to the way it felt when he kissed me and touched me. He made me feel safe and loved in a way I never thought possible. And there were times when I felt like it was too good to be true. Like it was all a dream, an elaborate fantasy. I worried that one day I’d wake up and it would all be gone. That I’d find out this was all fiction, a story made up in my imagination or one I’d read in one of my books. I mean, it would make a great story, right? The popular guy falling for the unpopular girl? It was like the perfect romance. But then I’d remind myself that this was real life. Cooper and I were human beings, flesh and blood, not make believe. We weren’t conjured up in some author’s imagination, and we weren’t some fantasy that I’d been believing for the past two years. Trust me, if this was my fantasy it never would have involved the cancer. No, I didn’t need to worry that this was fake. It was real. And so was Cooper’s love for me. But in some ways that made me even more nervous. If it was a romance book it would end in a happily ever after. Cooper and I would get married and ride into the sunset, and everything would tie up neatly in a pretty package. But real life was messier than that. I’d learned that the hard way. And that was the part that scared me. When I watched Cooper walk away from me today I couldn’t help but wonder what the future held for us. I knew Cooper meant what he said to me on Thanksgiving. I knew that he wanted to marry me one day. But that day was so far away. I still had to finish high school, and we both had to finish college. And who knew what Cooper’s career in baseball would be like. Not to mention the fact that my health was always hanging in the balance. In my best moments I fully believed that the cancer would never return. However, in my darkest times I was sure it was just hiding in the wings, waiting for its moment to strike again.

There was so much uncertainty. And when Cooper was here everything seemed like it would be all right. When his arms were around me, when he held me close, I could shut my eyes and tune out all the doubts, all the concerns. But when he left, all the thoughts came back with a vengeance. They whispered in my ear, they tugged on my arms, they yanked me into the darkness. And I felt alone and scared. Uncertain. Pulling into the driveway, I sighed. A flicker of movement caught my eye and I turned to see Skyler peeking out the window next door. She waved frantically, and I flashed her a reluctant wave back. Then I cut the engine and stepped out of the car. As I grabbed my purse off the passenger seat, Skyler came bounding over to me. “Finally Mr. Baseball Superstar is gone, so I have my best friend all to myself again.” For years Skyler had referred to me as her best friend. I used to scoff at it, unsure if I felt the same way. But when I got sick, I realized how much I cared for her. And it became clear to me what a good friend she really was and how fortunate I was to have her. I’d gotten good at guarding my heart. So good I’d even shut out the people who loved me most. But Cooper had taught me it was okay to let people in, and my cancer had softened me. Now I liked when Skyler called me that. “Yeah, he’s gone.” I sighed. “Okay, none of that.” Skyler draped her arm over my shoulder. “C’mon, I have a carton of ice cream with your name on it. We’re gonna eat until I see a smile on your face.” “Oh, I don’t know.” “What? You’re scared of putting on a few pounds? Trust me, you could use it.” I laughed. Cooper was always saying the same thing. The movement from my laughter caused my necklace to rub against the skin on my neck. “So a piece of me is always with you,” he’d said when he fastened it around my neck. Fingering the silver baseball, I smiled. “Let’s go.” Skyler guided me forward. “He’ll be calling you in a few hours sounding as sad as you look. In the meantime, you can drown yourself in ice cream.”

I imagined Cooper on the plane thinking about me the same way I was thinking about him. Skyler was right. He’d call me soon. Nothing was going to change just because he was going back to college. We were connected, and there was no changing that. I shrugged. “Okay. Ice cream it is.” Abandoning my anxious thoughts, I followed Skyler into her house.

CHAPTER 14

Cooper My palm was clammy as I held tightly to the baseball. Bringing my arm back, I geared up for a hard throw. After thrusting forward, I released the ball and it shot from my hand. I watched as it sailed through the air, a streak of white against the blue sky. The sun was warm on my face, and a gentle breeze blew over my head, stirring up my messy hair. “Nice throw, bud.” Dad caught the ball in his hand, closing his fingers around it. “Our boy has quite the arm.” He turned to Mom who had the video camera trained on me. The lens covered her right eye, giving the illusion that she had one small eye and one giant unblinking one. Mom was petite with cropped blond hair, a funny pairing with my large, muscular dad. I noticed people glancing over curiously when we were out in public. But somehow they fit together perfectly. I smiled into the camera, beaming. Mom giggled. “He certainly isn’t camera shy either.” “Not my boy.” Dad puffed out his chest. Mom smiled in his direction. “Ready, son?” Dad cocked his arm, and I nodded, standing taller. When the ball came at me I opened up my hand and caught it. “All right,” Dad said, clapping his hands. Mom cheered, and my heart burst in my chest. I loved making them proud. Adrenaline surging, I tossed the ball back to dad. This time it didn’t quite reach him. Instead, it landed in the thick green reeds of grass near Dad’s feet. “Sorry,” I mumbled, angry with myself for throwing it before I was ready. I’d gotten too excited and hadn’t taken the time to set up my throw. I may have only been six, but I was already serious about baseball. Dad and I played all the time in the backyard. I hoped to one day be as good as he was. “It’s fine,” Dad assured me as he plucked the ball out of the grass. Mom lowered the camera and clicked it off. My heart sank. Was it because I was playing bad now?

“I better check the cookies in the oven.” My doubts vanished, my stomach growling. Mom grinned at me. “Looks like someone is hungry for some chocolate chip cookies.” She whirled around. “They should be ready any minute. I’ll bring some out when they are. You boys have fun without me.” “Oh, we will,” Dad called back. “But not nearly as fun as when you’re out here.” Mom shook her head, an amused expression on her face. “When you grow up, I hope you meet someone as special as your mom.” Dad shot me a pointed look. “Don’t settle for anything less, son.” At six, I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought girls had cooties. Still I agreed with him and said, “Okay.” I may not have understood, but I knew I wanted to be just like my dad when I grew up. He was my hero, the person I looked up to more than anyone in the world. So if marrying someone like my mom was the way to be like him, I would do it. “You all right, Coop?” Parker gave me a funny look. I shook my head, willing away the memory. “Yeah, fine.” Swallowing hard, I glanced down at the ball nestled in the grass near Parker’s knee. Had I really missed that bad? God, my pitches were erratic today. My mind had been a jumbled mess for weeks. Ever since I’d returned from Christmas break I’d been struggling to hold it together. Memories of my parents plagued me every day. The phone call from the television station had unleashed this strange obsession. For years I’d been successfully ignoring the need to delve into my parents’ death. Now it seemed I could think of nothing else. In my free time I found myself googling every piece of information I could find on the plane crash. And every night I dreamt of my parents. Sometimes the dreams were soothing; memories of when they were alive. But others were haunting; images of them crashing and dying. It was like I’d been catapulted back to ten years old. And it was affecting my game. It was reminiscent of when I first fell for London. Only this time it was worse because I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know how to move on. I didn’t know how to get my head back in the game. Taking a deep breath, I attempted to clear my head. I thought of London, wrongfully assuming it

would calm me. But it had the opposite effect. When I was home for Christmas everything was perfect between London and I, but since coming back things seemed strained. And it was my fault. It was this dang TV show and the memories. It was screwing everything up. I needed to get ahold of myself. Feeling Coach’s eyes on me, I got in position and looked in to get the sign from Parker. He flashed one finger and patted the inside of his left thigh. Fastball inside. Get it together, Coop. Come on, you’ve got this. Honing in, I took aim and threw the ball. It was pretty steady, but not hard enough. Not shitty, but not at all what I was capable of. My stomach tightened. Parker narrowed his eyes at me in concern. Damn it, I was screwed. My grandparents thought that maybe taking part in the show would help me regain some control. Like it would give me closure or some shit like that. Maybe they were right, but I wasn’t sure I could do it. I’d spent a lifetime distancing myself from the crash. Why would I suddenly throw myself in the center of it? But I had to do something. If not, I would destroy everything I’d worked so hard for. “Hey, you need someone to show you how it’s done, Mini-Coop?” Ace came up beside me. I ground my teeth together. “I don’t need lessons from the fourth starter, but thanks.” “Oh, I don’t think I’ll be fourth starter for much longer.” A cocky grin spread across his face, and my stomach rolled. Did he know something I didn’t? My gaze swung to Parker who lowered his gaze instead of making eye contact. Shit. “Told you you couldn’t hang with the big boys.” Snorting, Ace stepped around me, purposefully ramming his shoulder into mine. “See ya later, Mini.” Mini-Coop was bad enough, but when he shortened it, it sort of sounded like he was calling me Minnie, like Minnie Mouse. My skin crawled. I missed Nate and the guys from high school. I missed London. Hell, I missed everything about home. But most of all, I missed my confidence. That’s the main thing I needed to get back. When practice ended, I headed back to my dorm with purpose. It was time to get my head out of my ass and pull my shit together, even if it took every spare minute I had. It was time to get back the

Cooper that I was before all this stuff messed with my head. I’d been spending too much time obsessing about my parents and pining away for London. Home was great, but I wasn’t there anymore. I was here. And I needed to be present. I needed to focus. Damn it, I wasn’t going home with my tail between my legs. I’d been acting like a pussy since I’d gotten here. No wonder Ace had called me Mini-Coop. But that wasn’t me. I wasn’t weak, and I wasn’t the punch line to some stupid joke. I was a fighter. I was a winner. And I was going to win. When I reached the dorm room I was greeted by Charlotte and Justin. By the looks of things I was interrupting something, but I didn’t care. Frankly, I was irritated. Justin may have been here to fool around, but I wasn’t. I was on a mission, and I was done letting him walk all over me. This was just as much my dorm as it was his. Right now it was time for me to get some homework done, and I wanted to do it in my dorm room. Throwing my bag on the ground, I perched on the edge of my bed and peeled off my shoes. “How was practice?” Charlotte asked, smoothing down her unruly hair while Justin threw on a shirt. “Fine,” I answered curtly, not wishing to share the ugly details with Charlotte or Justin. “That’s good.” Charlotte smiled, clearly oblivious to my mood. I guess that was one nice thing about being around people who didn’t really know me. I could stew in my own anger without them picking up on it. “Hey, are you ready for the history test tomorrow?” I nodded. “Pretty much. I do need to study a little tonight though.” Glancing up, I looked at both of them pointedly hoping they’d get the hint. They didn’t. “Yeah, I should probably study too.” Charlotte sighed, but didn’t move. I wondered if she studied at all or if she was like Justin. From what I’d seen, my money was on the latter. “Who are you kidding? You’re not gonna study tonight.” Justin jabbed her in the side with his elbow, and she giggled.

“Well, I need to. I’m practically flunking out of the class,” she said. I reached for my history notebook. “Really?” “Yeah.” Her gaze locked with mine. “I bet you’re getting an A, huh?” I nodded. No sense denying it. I might have been falling apart in baseball, but I was at least still maintaining good grades. She exhaled loudly. “I don’t know how you do it. I’m so lost in that class.” “How can you be lost?” I set the notebook in my lap. “It’s just lectures and tests. As long as you take good notes, you’re golden.” “Yeah, that’s the problem.” She groaned. “I can’t focus in that class. The lectures are so boring that my mind always wanders.” I thought about how distracted I’d been and nodded with understanding. “Maybe Cooper could help you,” Justin offered, and I glanced over at him curiously. I’d never known him to care about grades, let alone encourage someone to get help. “I wish I could. I just have a lot on my plate right now,” I said swiftly. The last thing I needed was to get roped into helping someone else. I had enough of my own problems. Charlotte’s face fell. “It’s fine. I understand.” Now I felt like an ass. “Um…well…I mean, I have some math homework to do too. Maybe I could let you copy my notes while I’m doing math. That would help you study.” “Really?” Her eyebrows jumped up. “Okay. Let me go grab my backpack and I’ll be right back.” Like a whirlwind, she hurried out of the room. “Hey, thanks, man.” Justin slapped me on the shoulder. “I appreciate you getting her out of my hair for awhile.” “What?” My chest tightened as Justin grabbed his jacket. “You’re leaving?” “Yeah. I gotta get out. That chick is super clingy, man. She acts like we’re a couple or something.” “You’re not? Cause you could’ve fooled me.” “Exactly. That’s what I’m saying. She’s around me all the time. I can’t shake her.” “I thought you liked her.” I furrowed my brows, puzzled.

“I do. I mean, she’s a hot piece of ass. Am I right?” “Um… I guess.” Charlotte was pretty. I mean, not like London, but she wasn’t bad. Still I felt uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation. “But you know me, man. I don’t want to be tied down. That’s your thing.” “Look, Justin, I’ve got a lot of stuff going on right now. I can’t be babysitting your girl.” “She’s not my girl, okay.” He moved toward the door. “And I don’t need you to babysit her. Just keep her busy tonight.” “Justin!” I called after him, but it was too late. He’d already left. Blowing out a frustrated breath, I shook my head. What a dick. I should have known that he hadn’t changed. He was the same guy he was when I first met him. While waiting for Charlotte to return I gathered all my history notes. Dang, there were a lot. If she wanted to copy them all she’d be here all night. My stomach knotted at the thought. This idea was getting worse by the minute. Why had I even offered to help? It was because I was too nice. I always had been. I never knew when to say no. “Where’s Justin?” Charlotte asked when she came back. “Um.” I scratched the back of my neck. I was certain he wouldn’t care if I told her the truth, but the last thing I wanted to do was get in the middle of this. “He just needed to step out for a little while. Had some things to take care of.” “Oh.” Her face held a skeptical look, but at least she didn’t press the issue. “Here are the notes.” I tossed them to her. “Shit,” she breathed out, causing an involuntary chuckle to rise in my throat. “Yeah, there’s a lot.” “I guess that’s why you’re getting an A.” She plopped down on Justin’s bed and spread the notes in her lap. “Well, I better get to work.” “Yep.” Leaning back on my bed, I pulled out my math book and binder. From my back pocket my phone buzzed. Charlotte bent over her notebook, pencil poised in her hand while I glanced at the caller ID. When I saw London’s name on the screen my stomach knotted. It’s not that I wasn’t happy to hear from her, but I was so busy tonight. It seemed that I had been busy every time she called this week. I hated

having to cut our conversations short; hated knowing she was disappointed. I pressed the phone to my ear. “Hey, baby.” “Hey,” London responded. “How are you?” “Fine,” I said. “Just busy. I have two tests tomorrow.” “Oh.” Silence filled the line, making me feel like shit. “I guess I’ll let you go then.” “Everything okay with you?” “Yeah,” she said softly. “Everything’s peachy.” London never used words like “peachy.” “London,” I said. “I know things are--” “God, I can’t read your writing. Your penmanship is shit,” Charlotte interrupted me. My head snapped up. I prayed London didn’t hear. “Who’s that?” No such luck. I narrowed my eyes at Charlotte, but she appeared unfazed. “Um…that’s Charlotte. I told you about her, remember? She’s dating Justin.” “Oh. What was she saying about your notes?” “We have the same history class. I’m sorta letting her look at my notes to help her study.” “I see.” Her curt tone cut to my heart. Cupping my hand over the phone, I turned my head. “Baby, we’re just studying. Nothing more.” “I know,” she said, but I couldn’t tell if she did. “I better let you go so you can study for your tests. I have homework too, actually.” “Okay.” I wanted to keep her on the phone, to assure her that everything was all right. But I was tired and I had a night of studying ahead of me. “I’ll call you tomorrow, all right?” “All right.” Before I could say anything else, she’d hung up. Staring at the phone in my hand, my heart sank. “Seriously, what the hell does this say?” Charlotte stood over me, pointing to a sentence in my notebook. Irrational anger bubbled inside of me. “You couldn’t have waited until I was off the phone to ask

me about it?” My voice came out harsher than I intended, and Charlotte reeled back. “Sorry, but I have about five million pages of notes to get through, and I didn’t know how long you’d be on the phone.” “I don’t want London getting the wrong impression.” “If she doesn’t trust you by now, then clearly she’s got problems.” I cocked my head, surprised by her statement. “What makes you say that?” “Please. It’s so obvious that you’re never going to cheat on her. I only wish a guy would love me the way you love your girlfriend.” There was a hint of bitterness in her voice, and I wondered how much she knew about the way Justin was feeling about their relationship. “You’re like the last true gentleman out there.” She elbowed me in the shoulder. “Maybe it’s because of your grandparents’ influence.” I froze. “How did you know I was raised by my grandparents?” Her face looked stricken, but she quickly smoothed it out. “I guess Justin must’ve mentioned it.” I supposed it seemed plausible, but also kind of weird. Why would Justin be discussing my family situation with Charlotte? He was hardly the type of guy to gab about stuff like that. Then again, how else would she have found out? “Anyway, can you please explain to me what this says so I can get out of your hair?” Her index finger tapped the page. As I read the sentence to her, I hoped she would finish quickly. It had already been a long night, and I wanted nothing more than a little time to myself.

CHAPTER 15

London After yanking my English book out of my locker, I received a text from Cooper. Relief swept over me when I read it. Not that I would readily admit it, but I’d been a little worried about our relationship since he went back to college after break. He’d been so busy lately, he’d hardly had time for me. I tried to be understanding about it since I knew things were tough for him right now, but hearing that girl’s voice in the background during our phone call last night sort of threw me. Cooper: I miss u. I dropped my book into my backpack and then shot a text back. Me: I miss u 2. Once I’d slammed the locker shut, I leaned my back against it. Cooper: My tests are done, and tonight I don’t have much homework. Wanna skype? I need to see your face. I smiled, my hands shaking as I responded. Me: I’d love to. Cooper: Can’t wait. Luv u. Me: Luv u 2. Sighing, I dropped my phone into my pocket. “I’ve gotta say. I seriously misjudged you.” Madison stood in front of me, studying my face. She hadn’t said one word to me in the last three weeks since we’d returned from Christmas break. I kind of thought maybe she’d leave me alone indefinitely after the way Cooper treated her in the tree lot. At the memory a smile played on my lips. “I always pegged you as an uptight goodie two-shoes.” I narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out where she was going with this. “But clearly you’re a lot kinkier than you want people to believe.” She wore a sly grin. I shifted on my heels, squirming under her intense gaze. “What the hell are you talking about?” A

sense of déjà vu hit me, and I wondered if I had a post-it note with the word SLUT written on my back again. Reaching behind me, I ran my fingertips over my back but didn’t find anything. “Well, it’s clear that you’re doing something to keep Cooper interested.” She leaned forward. “I had no idea you had it in you.” I slithered away from her. “I have no idea what you’re getting at.” Turning my head, I attempted to step around her. But she stood directly in front of me, making it impossible to pass. My pulse quickened. “Oh, come on.” There was a bright gleam in her eyes. “I know Cooper.” “Actually, according to him, you really don’t,” I pointed out. She faltered momentarily, and I couldn’t help but feel a little satisfied. However, she quickly regained composure. “Well, I know guys like him, and I know what it takes to keep them satisfied.” My insides coiled. “Last I heard you didn’t have a boyfriend, Madison, so maybe you don’t know what it takes to keep a guy satisfied.” “Perhaps you’re right. Maybe you could enlighten me sometime. I’d love to know the kinky stuff you’re doing to keep Cooper interested. I mean, you must be doing some dirty ass shit if he’s staying with you even when he’s around all those wild college girls.” Anger surged, and I shoved Madison away from me. “How dare you.” “What? I thought we were having harmless girl talk.” She scrambled to keep up with me. “Save your breath. I know what you’re up to.” “Okay, I guess I deserve that since we’ve never really been friends.” I snorted. “You could say that again.” “But you don’t have to be so mean. I was just curious about how you’re able to hold on to Cooper even though he’s gone away to college. I mean, can you imagine how many girls are throwing themselves at him?” She nudged me. “It’s a good thing you’re keeping him satisfied during his visits or else there’s no way he’d be able to keep it in his pants while he’s gone. As it is, I’m sure it’s difficult.” My breath caught in my throat. The bell rang out. “I have to go.” Swallowing hard, I spun around. “Okay. That’s fine. We’ll talk later,” she called after me as I tore down the hallway, my heart racing.

By the time I reached my English class I felt dangerously close to puking. Visions of Cooper’s last morning here flashed through my mind. The way he touched me and kissed me; the look on his face when I encouraged him to go further. The disappointed flicker in his eyes when his grandparents came home, forcing us to stop. I knew Cooper had needs. As sweet and patient as he had been about waiting, I knew he’d been with girls before me. And I was sure Madison was right. Girls probably did throw themselves at him all the time. In fact, Charlotte was probably one of them. I had no idea what Justin looked like, but I was guessing he wasn’t as hot as Cooper. It’s not that I didn’t trust Cooper. I did. Seriously. With all my heart. But I wasn’t stupid. I knew what guys thought about ninety percent of the time. Even Cooper. If all the sexual jokes and innuendo were indicators, then Cooper had his mind on sex a lot. And I was sure there were plenty of girls who would give it to him at a moment’s notice. As much as Cooper loved me, did he really have that much selfcontrol? Should I even expect him to? “Everyone get out your copy of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens,” Mrs. Lavering called out, holding up her tattered paperback. Her overly permed hair was pulled back in a banana clip as if she thought it was still 1980, and she wore a grey pantsuit. I always felt like I had stepped back in time when I entered this classroom. Reaching my hand into my backpack, my fingers brushed over binders and papers until at last they found my copy of Great Expectations. I folded my hand around it and yanked it out. Shuffling and talking ensued around me as the other students took this opportunity to get in last-minute conversations. I dropped the book on my desk and grabbed out a pen and notebook. “The novel is called Great Expectations. Do you think the novel portrays great expectations in a favorable or non-favorable way?” Mrs. Lavering asked. That was an easy answer, and my gaze swept the classroom waiting for someone to raise their hand. I knew if they didn’t Mrs. Lavering would call on me. I blew out a breath when a girl in the second row lifted her arm. I couldn’t remember her name. She was new this year, and I’d never spoken to her. She played basketball, so she’d immediately found a group to plug into. I’d always envied people like that. People who had a gift that helped them to find acceptance. It’s like they had built in friends. My mind

flitted to Cooper and how baseball had helped him fit in. Then again, I imagine he’d never have trouble fitting in. Not with his magnetic and outgoing personality. “I think in a lot of ways it portrays it in a non-favorable way. Like how Pip wants to be with Estella the entire book, and she keeps turning him down.” “But Pip loved her. Do you really think he should have given up on that?” Mrs. Lavering challenged her. “I don’t know.” New girl bit her lip. “It’s just that it almost seems like Pip isn’t good enough for Estella or something. And I wonder if he’d lowered his expectations, found a girl more like him, maybe he would’ve found happiness.” “Interesting.” Mrs. Lavering said. “What do the rest of you think? Do you agree that a person should lower their expectations as a way of finding happiness?” “Of course not,” the words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. And they surprised the hell out of me. Not just because I’d spoken them aloud, but because I’d said them at all. Before Mrs. Lavering asked the question I was in agreement with the new girl. I felt like the story was a cautionary tale. I felt bad for Pip and his unfortunate life. But now that Mrs. Lavering worded it that way, I wasn’t so sure. “Why not, London?” Mrs. Lavering asked. “I would argue that by lowering your expectations you may never truly be happy. I mean, if Pip had settled for someone he didn’t love as much as Estella, would that other woman ever bring him happiness?” My mind wandered to Cooper. Often I felt like I didn’t belong with him. Like he was too good for me. Yet, there was no one else who made me as happy. There was no one else who made my heart beat fast or my hands clam up. There was no one else who made me feel so alive, so loved. To others it may have seemed like my expectations had been set too high when I fell for him, but I would argue that my expectations were right where they were supposed to be. They were in the perfect spot. I couldn’t concentrate.

I’d reapplied my lip gloss for the millionth time and then checked my phone to make sure it was on. It was. Sighing, I glanced out the window. The sky was darkening, stars beginning to emerge among the black canvas. Why hadn’t he called yet? Opening up our text thread I read through the messages, double checking that he had wanted to skype tonight. Yep. That’s what he’d said. So then why hadn’t he called? It was getting late. Biting my lip, I wrote out a text and then deleted it. God, I was acting like we’d just started dating. Why was I being so nervous? This was Cooper, for god sakes. Shaking my head, I shot off a text. Then I sat back, resting my head on my bedframe. The phone was silent in my hand for several minutes. I stared at it as if I was waiting for it to sprout wings or something. As the moments ticked past with no response, uneasiness settled in my stomach, taking up residence. I thought about my conversation with Madison today, and my chest tightened. Twice when I’d called he’d been with that other girl. Was he with her tonight? Is that why he wasn’t answering? Baby, you’re the only girl I want. The only girl I’ll ever want. Shaking away the paranoia, I felt silly. He loved me. He wanted to be with me. Why did I keep questioning that? Standing up, I abandoned the phone on the bed and stood in front of the mirror above my dresser. Reaching out, I picked up the brush that sat on top. When I was a little girl I used to watch my mom sit in front of this same mirror and brush her hair. She had long, flowing hair, and I loved the way the light hit it when she dragged the combs through each strand. My hair was now a little past my ears, and it was starting to thicken. As I brushed through it, I took in my reflection, noting with satisfaction that I was starting to look like me again. My face had gained color and filled out a little, my hair framing it in loose curls. Behind me a sound caught my attention. Spinning around, I ran to my phone and snatched it up. Cooper: Sorry. I got busy. I paused. He hadn’t said what he was busy doing. Perching on the side of my bed, a sick feeling filled my stomach, but I pushed it down. I was sure he was just busy with school work or baseball. He’d given me no reason not to trust him. Me: That’s ok.

Cooper: Justin’s home. Talk on the phone instead? Disappointment filled me, but I shook it off. We’d only skyped once since he’d been back, and I was dying to see his face. But I supposed hearing his voice was the next best thing. Me: OK. My phone rang in response. “Hey,” I answered, scooting onto my bed and tucking my legs up to my chest. “Hey, baby. I’m so sorry about earlier. The day just got away from me.” He sounded so tired that my heart went out to him. “You sound exhausted.” “I am. You have no idea.” “You all right?” All my earlier misgivings faded away, worry for Cooper’s well-being taking over. “I’ll survive.” The defeatist tone was a new one, and so unlike Cooper. “Is there anything I can do to help?” “You’re doing it. Just hearing your voice helps me, baby.” I wanted to ask him what was going on. I wanted to press him about baseball and school, and I was desperate to know about the girl he seemed to always be with when I called. But all the questions died on my lips. Cooper needed me to just be here for him. He didn’t need to be interrogated by me. I sighed. “I love you, Coop.” “I love you too, baby.” I waited, but it never came. He never said the word “always.”

CHAPTER 16

Cooper I hurried across campus, my tennis shoes clomping on the ground, my backpack thumping against my spine. Even though it was evening, it was warm out. Heat circled me as I walked, the scent of damp grass wafting under my nose. A group of students sat on the grass chatting and laughing. Their voices carried on the warm breeze when I passed them. A couple strolled beside me, hand in hand. It made me long for London. I prayed she’d get accepted here. Just that thought made my heart soar. I imagined us traipsing around campus, hands linked. To my right, a couple made out near a tree, and as I stared at them they morphed into London and I. My lips buzzed, the memory of her mouth on mine lingering. It was proving to be more difficult to balance our relationship than I thought it would be. The first semester it seemed that I had a handle on things. But that may have been because baseball wasn’t in full swing. Now it was more of a challenge. I couldn’t help but think that if she were here it would be easier. I couldn’t even bring myself to think about what would happen if she didn’t get into Fallbrook. As much as we loved each other, could our relationship really withstand four more years apart? I was already feeling the distance between us like a tangible thing. Like with each passing day the chasm was growing, and I worried that one day we’d be too far to find our way back to each other. Desperation clawed at me, and I picked up the pace. I planned to skype with London the minute I got back to my dorm room. My homework load was heavier than I thought it would be tonight, but I’d stay up late if I had to. There was no way I could blow her off again. I needed to see her face and hear her voice. I needed to know that we were okay. Maybe if I knew that I would feel like everything was all right in my world again. When I reached my dorm, I felt my chest expanding. With every step I felt calmer, knowing I was closer to London. It was the same way I’d felt on the plane as we got closer to Sacramento. London’s presence calmed me in a way nothing else ever had. The familiar scent of the dorms smacked me in the face when I entered -- old carpet and BO. When I rounded the corner and started walking down the hall

leading to my dorm, I halted in my tracks. Charlotte teetered in my direction, tears streaking her face. Her lips trembled, her body swayed. I couldn’t tell if she was upset or drunk. When I got closer, it was clear that she was both. “Charlotte?” I asked tentatively, glancing around. Where the hell was Justin? It seemed he should be the one dealing with this. “Cooper.” She fell forward, her arms landing on my shoulders. The smell of beer radiated from her mouth, turning my stomach. Her nose dripped, her eyes filled with moisture. “Are you all right?” I helped to steady her while attempting to pry her fingers from mine. “What do you think?” She slurred. “Here.” I moved away from her. “Let me grab Justin.” My laptop practically called my name from inside. I needed to unload Charlotte on Justin so I could chat with my girl. “No.” She flung her arm out, circling her hand around my wrist. “I’m not talking to that asshole ever again.” Oh, great. “Besides, he doesn’t want me anymore. He made that clear.” She hugged herself, a fresh wave of tears pouring down her face. A group of guys came down the hallway looking over at us curiously. Shit. I needed to get this train wreck out of here. Blowing out a breath, I flashed them an apologetic look. “C’mon, Charlotte.” I tugged on her arm. “Let’s get you outta here.” “Don’t tell me what to do.” She ripped her arm away from me. Damn it, this was going to be harder than I thought. “Charlotte,” I spoke in my most charming voice. “I just want to help you, okay?” She sighed, her eyes meeting mine. My gaze flickered over to the door to my room. Thanks a lot, Justin. I could be Skyping London, but instead I’m cleaning up your freaking mess. Shaking my head, I turned my attention back to Charlotte. I’d have to deal with Justin later. “Oh, god. I think I’m gonna be sick.” Charlotte bent over, coughing into her hand. Double shit. That’s all I needed was for this chick to puke all over my dorm room door. Grabbing

her by the shoulders, I steered her down the hallway. Hurriedly I opened the door at the end of the hall and shoved Charlotte through it. Once we were outside, she leaned over a bush and hurled. The bitter scent of alcohol filled my senses. “Better?” I asked, placing my hand on her back. “A little,” she mumbled, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. I grimaced. So gross. A sob tore from the back of Charlotte’s throat. “Oh, god, I made a total fool of myself.” “It’s gonna be all right.” I wanted to tell her that she didn’t make a fool of herself, but judging by the amount of people out here I’d say she was right on target. “I just thought he really liked me, you know?” Her bottom lip quivered. “I haven’t made very many friends since I’ve been here, and he seemed so nice.” I nodded, anger with Justin resurfacing. As badly as I wanted to rush upstairs to get ahold of London, there was no way I could leave Charlotte like this. The gentleman in me couldn’t allow that to happen. It’s not the way I was raised. I could almost hear Grandma’s voice in my head. I’d often teased her that she was my conscience. “Let me walk you back to your dorm, okay?” Embarrassment flickering in her eyes, she nodded. At least she’d calmed down. She started walking, and I fell in step beside her. “Thanks for being so cool about this,” she said after a few minutes of silence. “I’m sure you have better things to do than take care of a crazy drunk girl.” I shrugged. “Can’t say this was what I planned to do tonight.” “Me either.” She sighed. “What happened?” I glanced over at her. “He was with another girl.” A wry smile appeared on her face. “I mean, it’s not like we ever said we were exclusive, but I guess I kind of assumed we were.” I totally understood. Hadn’t I made the same assumption about them? “And he didn’t even seem to feel bad. It was like he was relieved or something.”

Pressing my lips together, I turned away. I was certain her assessment was correct. Justin didn’t strike me as the remorseful type, and he had seemed to want to be rid of her. “Well, this is my building.” She paused in front of one of the girls’ buildings. “You gonna be okay?” She forced a tight grin. “I’ve survived a lot worse than this, trust me.” Somehow her words didn’t make me feel any better about the situation. In fact, it made me feel worse. She didn’t deserve this kind of treatment. “I’m sorry about Justin,” I said. “But maybe look at this as a blessing. Now you’re free to go meet someone else. Someone worthy of you.” Her gaze locked with mine, and her lips curled upward. It was the first genuine smile I’d seen from her today. “Yeah. I’d like that.” Before I registered what was happening her arms were around my neck and she was hugging me tightly. “Thanks,” she whispered before stepping back. “Any time,” I said. “Hey, look. It’s Mini-Coop,” Ace’s voice stopped me cold. “And you must be Mini-Coop’s girl.” I swiveled in the direction of Ace’s voice. He stood next to me staring at Charlotte. She giggled. “Whoa, dude. Your chick reeks like a bar.” Ace chuckled. “Does she have to stay drunk to tolerate your sorry ass?” I shook my head. “She’s not my girl. Just a friend.” Charlotte’s eyes clouded over, and I felt kind of bad. I mean, it was the truth, but she’d already suffered enough rejection for one day. However, it’s not like I had a choice. I couldn’t allow Ace to think she was my girlfriend. I had a girl. London. And there was no replacing her. “Hmmm. Well, does your girl know you’re hanging out with some drunk chick tonight?” Ace asked smugly. My insides knotted, and I was glad Ace didn’t know London. I was sure he’d be more than happy to divulge that information to her if he did. “Nothing’s going on, Ace. Mind your own damn business,” I snapped. “Message received.” He held up his hands, palm sides showing. “Well, you two kids have fun.”

Clucking his tongue, he walked off. Inwardly, I groaned. That guy sure had a knack for showing up at the worst possible times. But at least he hadn’t caused any more trouble. “You sure you’re all right?” I asked Charlotte again, in an effort to assuage some of the guilt I felt for Ace’s behavior. “Yeah. I’m fine. Thanks again.” When she spun away from me, I watched her walk inside. Once she was safely in, I yanked my phone out of my pocket. Noticing the time, my heart pinched. Realizing that I’d missed a text from London furthered my panic. There was no way I’d have time to skype her now and get all my stuff done. Glancing back at Charlotte’s building, nausea crashed over me. How the hell would I explain where I’d been all night? The baseball field was lit up, the green grass and golden sand calling out to me. Ever since I was a child I felt most at home on a baseball field. It was the place I felt the most alive, the most like myself. I loved everything about it, from the way it smelled to the way it made my heart race. Besides, it was on the baseball field that I felt closest to my dad. If I closed my eyes, I could even imagine he was here with me, cheering me on like he did when I was little. “I appreciate you meeting me, Parker.” Dropping my baseball bag on the ground, I reached inside and grabbed out my mitt and a ball. “Sure. No problem.” Parker slipped on his catcher’s gear. “Nothing else going on tonight anyway.” Once he had everything on, he walked over the grass and took his position behind home plate. “Besides, I figured you could use a little practice.” Adjusting his catcher’s mask, he flashed me a wink. I appreciated him acting as if it was a joke when we both knew it was the truth. Practice was exactly what I needed. If I didn’t get my ass in gear, I was pretty sure I’d lose my third starter slot. Ace was vying for it pretty hard, and I was playing right into his hands. I made my way over to the pitcher’s mound while Parker crouched down. Blowing out a breath, I attempted to quiet my mind. It took a little effort to block out all the thoughts that had been swirling in my head for weeks. It didn’t help knowing that I was blowing off another skype session with London to

practice right now. I had promised London we would skype tonight, but then I ran into Parker this afternoon, and when he offered to help me out I knew I had to take him up on it. London seemed understanding when I texted her about it, but I was sure she was disappointed. Hell, I was disappointed, and I was the one who made the decision. It seemed I was always letting her down lately, but there was no way around it. And I missed her like crazy, which made it even more difficult for me. Still, this was how it had to be. If I had any hope of holding on to my spot on the team, I had to push myself. I had to work hard. “Ready?” Parker punched his fist into his mitt. “Yeah.” I inhaled sharply through my nose and then blew out through my mouth. Then I brought my arm back, readying for the pitch. Taking aim, I released it. The ball shot from my hand and soared straight into Parker’s mitt. He closed his mitt around it and then dropped the ball into his right hand. As he threw it back to me, he smiled. “Not bad.” I caught it, and then subsequently threw a few more pitches. “Where was all this the last few practices?” Parker asked. “I guess I just haven’t really had my head in the game.” He threw the ball back to me. “You can’t keep letting Ace get under your skin, man.” Holding the ball in my mitt, I tucked it in close to my body. The bright lights shone on my face, causing sweat to form on my brow. With the back of my wrist I wiped it away. “He just knows how to get under my skin.” “Clearly.” I paused, remembering what Parker said when Ace and I almost got into a fistfight. “What happened with Ace last year?” Parker stood up from his crouched position, and grabbing his catcher’s mask between his thumb and forefinger he flipped it up to reveal his face. “Let’s just say you’re not the first guy Ace has had an issue with.” That wasn’t surprising to me. He seemed like the type of guy who liked to stir up trouble. Still it worried me. “What happened with the other guy?”

“Same kind of thing. Ace didn’t like him. Wanted him gone.” My stomach twisted. “Did he get his way?” Parker shrugged. “Sort of, I guess, but it came at a price.” I sort of regretted having this conversation now. Knowing Ace had that kind of pull made him seem like more of a threat than I had believed him to be. “What does that mean?” “C’mon, man. You keep thinking about Ace so much I’m going to start thinking you have a thing for him.” He shot me a grin. “Games start in a week. Let’s get down to business.” He lowered the mask over his face as if signaling the end of the conversation. Bending his knees, he lowered back down to his crouched position and held his mitt out. I couldn’t help but grin back. Sighing, I nodded. I knew he was right, but curiosity was killing me. This time my pitch was a little off. After lunging for it, Parker shot me a knowing glance. “The best thing you can do is get your mind off of Ace and focus on the game.” He tossed the ball back, and I caught it. “It’s not just Ace. I’ve got a lot of stuff going on right now.” “Ace is right about one thing,” Parker said. “This isn’t high school. You’ve gotta leave your shit off the field.” “I know.” I nodded, determined to do exactly as he’d said. It was time to grow up. It was time to be the man I knew I could be. It was time to make my dad proud.

CHAPTER 17

London I couldn’t bring myself to open the envelope. Instead, I left it on the kitchen table. Left it there to stare at me unblinking every time I walked past. Which, let me tell you, was often. I couldn’t help myself. I skirted around, keeping my gaze fixed on it. My name called to me from where it was printed on the front. It reminded me of waiting on test results from the doctor. The expectations of others would overwhelm me, and I would find myself holding my breath in anticipation, afraid to let everyone down. I knew Cooper was hoping I’d get accepted to Fallbrook. It had been his hope since he first left for college. Leaving me was difficult for him. At that point my health was pretty fragile, and he was worried about me. I had to practically force him to leave, and the only thing that would make him feel better was the idea that I might be joining him in a year. I’d had my doubts about going away to college. A part of me wondered if I’d be well enough to leave. Also, I was a little concerned about abandoning Dad. My heart twisted as I glanced back down at the envelope. It felt like so many lives hinged on the letter inside. Unable to think about it any longer, I left it on the table and went to my room. Sitting on my bed, I pulled out my laptop. After opening it, I watched the screen come to life. Then I clicked into my word document and started writing. For the next hour or so I got lost in the fictional world I’d created. I played in my imagination, not thinking about real life at all. My characters spoke loudly in my head, guiding me through their thoughts and actions. It was a rush following them in the journey, and I embraced it with all I had. “London,” Dad’s voice interrupted me. I froze, my hands poised over the keys. When I raised my head, Dad stood in the doorway of my room smiling at me. “Hey, pumpkin. Watcha working on?” “Oh, just doing some writing.” I shrugged, pushing the laptop off my legs. “That’s great.” He stepped further into the room, his expression pensive. I sat up, my curiosity peeked. Usually when he got home from work he poked his head in my room, greeted me, and then went to

his room to change. When he lowered himself onto the edge of my bed, my curiosity grew. “Um…” He scratched the back of his neck. “I…um…sort of want to talk to you about something.” Raising my eyebrows, I scooted forward. “Okay.” “I kind of…um…met someone.” “Like a female someone?” This was new. My dad hadn’t dated at all since my mom passed away. Biting his lip, he nodded. His cheeks were red, his eyes downcast. “We met at work.” This was puzzling. “She’s a mechanic?” A small chuckle escaped through his lips as if the idea of this woman being a mechanic was funny to him. “No. She’s the new receptionist.” I didn’t remember him mentioning anything about a new receptionist. “What’s her name?” “Lisa.” Dad lifted his head, swiveling his head in my direction. “We’re actually going on a date tonight.” Pausing, he searched my face as if gauging my reaction. “Are you okay with this? I mean, I should’ve talked to you before asking her out. It just sorta happened spontaneously. We were talking about cars one minute, and the next minute I was asking her to dinner.” “Dad.” Laughing, I touched his shoulder. “It’s fine. Really. I’m actually glad you’re going out.” “You are?” Relief flashed in his eyes. “Yeah. It’s about time.” “It’s just a date. You don’t have to worry about me trying to replace your mom or anything.” I shook my head. “I’m almost eighteen, Dad. I’m not worried about someone sweeping in here trying to be my mom.” He sighed. “I’m so glad you’re all right with this.” I knit my eyebrows together. “Were you really worried I wouldn’t be?” “When you were little you used to be so scared about me meeting someone else and replacing her.” His eyes softened, crinkling around the edges. “I promised you I’d never do that. I made a vow that it would always just be the two of us.” My breath caught in my throat. “I don’t remember that.” “I do.” A wistful look clouded Dad’s face. “Like it was yesterday.”

I felt sick. All this time I thought Dad was single because he had no desire to date. “Dad, I had no idea. I feel terrible. You have to know I never would’ve held you to such a promise.” He reached for my hand, covering it with his. “I know, but I wanted to keep my promise to you. And I don’t regret it. There’s no one on this earth I’d rather spend time with than you.” Patting my hand, he stood up. “But you’re growing up.” His gaze flickered to the hallway. “Pretty soon you’ll be going away to college and moving on with your own life.” My stomach soured. Was that why he wanted to date now? Was it because he was worried about me leaving him? “Or maybe I’ll stay here and go to Sac State.” “You need to do what’s right for you.” Dad gave me a pointed look. “And I’ll support whatever you choose.” I nodded as he headed toward the hallway. When he left the room I blew out a breath. Everything was changing, becoming more complicated. I supposed that’s what growing up was like. But sometimes it was difficult. I wasn’t sure what the best decision was. Grappling in my pocket, I snatched out my phone and dialed Cooper’s number. When I reached his voicemail I didn’t even bother leaving a message. Lately he’d been too busy to do more than shoot me off a quick text after practice and homework. I was sure tonight would be no different. My attempts at being the cool, understanding girlfriend were falling short the last couple of weeks. Sure, I acted cool about it when Cooper and I conversed. But inside I was starting to get angry. I hated that he never had time for me anymore. Especially when I was in the midst of planning for my future. If I went to Fallbrook it would be mainly for Cooper. And how could I choose that right now when I wasn’t even sure Cooper needed me? A knock on the front door caught my attention. If it was last year, I’d have assumed it was Cooper. He used to show up randomly all the time. If only he could do that now. Sliding off the bed, I padded down the hallway in my bare feet. I wasn’t surprised when I opened the door to find Skyler standing on the front porch. “What’s up?” She groaned. “I had to escape my brothers. They’re driving me nuts.” Giggling, I moved out of the way so she could come inside. She walked past me and then flung

herself down on the couch. After closing the door, I followed suit, plopping down beside her. “God, you’re so lucky to be an only child. There’s no one around to bug you.” It used to bother me when Skyler would throw out statements like that. I knew she didn’t mean anything by it, but it would hurt my feelings. She never realized how fortunate she was to have a large family. As much as I loved being raised by my dad, there was always an emptiness in our house. It was like we could always feel the hole that my mom’s absence created. And as a little girl I longed for a sibling, someone to help assuage the loneliness a little. But Skyler’s brothers honestly bothered the shit out of her, so she was speaking the truth. Besides, when I really thought about it I realized that having Skyler in my life was sort of like having a sister. I nudged her. “Hey, that’s not true. I may not have a sibling, but I have you around to bug me.” “Nice.” She stuck out her tongue at me. I giggled. The click of dress shoes on the kitchen floor alerted us to my dad’s presence. My head bobbed up. Skyler gasped. “Wow, what’s the occasion?” Normally it bothered me how forward Skyler was; how she seemed to have no internal filter. But her response was justified. I’d never seen Dad so dressed up. He had on a long sleeve white shirt with navy pinstripes, khaki slacks and dress shoes. The scent of cologne lingered in the room. He must like this Lisa person a lot. A funny feeling descended in my stomach, but I shoved it away before spending any time analyzing it. This was a good thing for Dad, and I wanted to be happy for him. No, scratch that. I needed to be happy for him. He’d already sacrificed so much for me. Besides, I had someone. Shouldn’t I want the same thing for Dad? Then again, Dad probably had more romance in his life than I did right now. Cooper and I hardly talked anymore, and when we did it was shallow and rushed. I sometimes wondered if I’d even recognize him the next time we skyped. “Um…” Dad cleared his throat, as if uncomfortable with answering Skyler’s question. “I have a date, actually.” He said it like it was a question, surprise evident in his tone. “Ooh, a date.” Skyler winked.

Smiling, Dad shook his head. Walking into the family room, he eyed me. “Is it too much?” I glanced at his outfit. “No. You look really great.” A nervous expression cloaked his features. “It’s been so long since I’ve been on a date.” “I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike,” I said, and Skyler laughed. “Let’s hope it’s not like when London rides one.” She grinned. “Then again, her klutziness did land her the hottest guy at the high school, so who knows?” I waved away her words with a flick of my wrist. “Don’t listen to her. You’ll be fine.” “Thanks, pumpkin.” Dad leaned over and pecked me on the cheek. “I’ll see you later.” “Have fun,” I called after him as he left. “So, this is new.” Skyler widened her eyes and cocked an eyebrow just as the engine on Dad’s car roared to life from the garage. “Yeah,” I agreed, unsure of how else to respond. “Who’s the chick?” “The new receptionist at his work. Her name’s Lisa.” Skyler tucked a strand of black hair behind her ears, her eyes sparkling. “What’s she like? Is she pretty?” I shrugged. “Don’t know. Never met her. Dad just told me about her for the first time tonight.” “Ah, so she’s a mystery woman.” “I swear, you should be the writer,” I teased her. “Are you telling me you’re not the least bit curious about her?” “Yeah. Maybe a little, but it’s not like he’s marrying the lady. This is only the first date.” With the palms of my hands, I pushed myself off the couch and stood. “I’m thirsty. Want something to drink?” “Sure.” Skyler hopped up and trailed behind me as I headed into the kitchen. When we reached it, I opened the fridge and scanned it. “Coke okay?” “Sure.” I pulled two out and then closed the door with my hip. “What’s this?” Skyler held up the envelope from Fallbrook.

I inhaled sharply. “That’s the decision letter from Fallbrook University.” “Why haven’t you opened it yet?” “I guess I’m scared to.” I handed her one of the sodas, my palm stinging from the cold. To relieve my hands I set the other one down on the table. Skyler set hers down too with a thump and then began tearing into my envelope. “Well, if you’re too chicken shit to do it, I will.” I wanted to stop her, but the truth was that I kind of liked the idea of her looking first. Maybe she could cushion the blow if I didn’t get in. Once she had the envelope open, she discarded it. It fluttered down to the table, landing face up. With a loud rustle she smoothed out the letter, her gaze scanning it. I watched her expression, trying to read it, but she gave nothing away. “Wanna know what it says?” Her eyes locked with mine. I drew in a breath. “I’m not sure. Do I?” Her lips curled upward. “Yes, you definitely do.” “I got in?” She nodded. Excitement pulsed through me. “I did?” Skyler tossed the letter down and threw her arms around me. “Yes, you did!” “Oh, my god!” I squealed, hugging her back. “I got in!” “Now you can go be with lover boy.” Skyler winked as she pulled away from me. And just like that she burst my bubble. Was that what I was doing? Following Cooper around like a lovesick puppy? “What?” Skyler froze, a wary look on her face. “What just happened? Your face went from happy to frowny in a second flat.” “I’m just not sure about it.” Reaching for my soda, I popped the top. It cracked and fizzled. After taking a giant gulp, I made my way back into the family room. I sank down onto the couch, the cushions swallowing my small frame. My fingers were wrapped around my Coke can, condensation coating my palm.

Skyler sat next to me, balancing the soda in her lap. “Not sure about what?” “About where to go for college.” “What do you mean?” Skyler flashed me a dubious expression. “I thought you wanted to be with Cooper.” “That’s just it. I don’t think I should make such a huge decision for a guy.” Skyler angled her head to the side. “Since when is Cooper just a guy?” Reaching out with her free hand she nudged my leg. “What’s going on?” “I don’t know. I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed.” Air blew through my parted lips. “And Cooper’s been so busy lately we’ve hardly spoken. I mean, what if I go all the way there and he doesn’t have time for me? What if he doesn’t even want to be with me anymore?” “You know he’s just busy with baseball and everything right now.” “That’s what he says.” Frowning, I played with the tab of my soda. “C’mon, London, where’s this coming from? Is this about all the shit Madison has been saying? Because you know she’s just a bitch, right? You can’t take anything she says seriously. She’s jealous, plain and simple.” “It’s not just her.” “Listen.” Skyler leaned forward. “I agree with you that you need to go where you want to. You should never make any decision based on what someone else wants for you. But you and Cooper belong together, trust me. He loves you, London.” I nodded, knowing she was right. But then my mind traveled to Dad. “But if I go to Fallbrook what will happen with Dad? He’ll be all alone.” “Maybe not. Maybe he and Lisa will shack up.” I threw her a stern look. “Sorry,” she mumbled. “I’m sure there will be no shacking up of any kind with him. I’m sure they won’t even touch, or kiss, or anything.” I covered my ears with my hands. “Ugh. You’re making it worse.” Skyler rolled her eyes. “London, I’m not saying he’ll end up marrying this chick, but he’s dating.

He’s going out and having fun…without you. He’s a grown man. He’ll be fine. Besides, if you’re not basing this decision on other people, then that includes your dad.” “Yeah, I know. I guess I just have a lot of thinking to do. I don’t want to take this lightly.” “And you shouldn’t.” Skyler brought the soda to her lips and took a sip. “But I have faith in you. I know you’ll make the right decision.” If only I had the same kind of faith in myself.

CHAPTER 18

Cooper Damn it. A walk. I didn’t walk guys. And today sure as hell wasn’t the day to start. It was my first time pitching in a college game, and I was playing like shit. I was choking like Ace said I would. What the hell? Parker called time and ran out to the mound. “Come on, Coop, you’re better than this. Listen, this next batter couldn’t hit sand if he fell off a camel in the desert. Pull your shit together, and let’s strike this guy out.” Parker shot me a grin much like he would when he gave me pep talks during practices. I couldn’t help but grin back. Nodding, I took a deep breath. If only it were that simple. Glancing up into the bleachers, I scoured the place. If this were a high school game my grandparents and London would be here. But there was no one here for me today. I was on my own. Usually that wouldn’t be tough, but for some reason today it was rattling me. Of course, I knew this was more than just some first-game jitters or nerves because my family and friends weren’t here. Ace had gotten under my skin at the last practice. It had taken me days to shake off the garbage he spewed at me. And just when I thought I’d gotten my thoughts under control, London threw me one hell of a curveball. It happened a few hours ago when I called her. I had been hoping that hearing her voice would give me the support I needed today. And maybe it would have if I hadn’t forced information out of her. From the minute I got her on the phone I could tell there was something she was keeping from me. She kept skirting any serious questions, replacing every answer with a joke. It was cute, but I knew London too well. I knew that’s what she did when she was trying to avoid telling me something. “What’s going on?” I pressed her. “Nothing. I’m just bummed that I’m not there to cheer you on today.” she replied. “I am wearing

my Fallbrook Falcons hat, though, in support. I know you can’t see me, but I have it on.” Sitting on the edge of the bed in my dorm room, I rested my elbows on my thighs. “I’d pay money to see that.” “Money, huh? How much we talkin’?” She teased. In retrospect, I should have kept us on that line of conversation. Perhaps if we’d continued joking around I wouldn’t be playing like absolute crap right now. “However much it takes to get you here.” “You don’t have to pay me to go see you, Coop.” “I know, but I would if that’s what it took.” I lowered my head into my hands. “I need you here, London.” “I’ll be there soon. I’m coming with your grandparents to one of your games next month.” “I’m not talking about a visit. I’m talking about for good.” I lifted my head. “Did you get a letter from Fallbrook yet?” I’d been waiting on pins and needles to hear if she got in. I’d heard that other high school students had gotten their letters already, and I thought it was odd that London hadn’t. And it concerned me. If she hadn’t received one yet, did that mean she didn’t get in? “Um…yeah. I did, actually.” My heart stopped. Why didn’t she mention that right away? We’d been on the phone a good ten minutes, and it seemed like that was pretty crucial information. “You did? When?” Silence. My stomach clenched. “Earlier this week.” Blowing out a frustrated breath, I stood up and started pacing. London only kept things from me when it was bad news. “You didn’t get in?” “No, I did,” she spoke slowly, deliberately. “You did?” I wanted to be excited, to pump my fist in the air, to congratulate her. But her odd behavior stopped me. Why wasn’t she excited? “Yeah,” she mumbled. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I guess because I haven’t really made a decision.” “What do you mean? Like you might not come here? But I thought that was the plan.” I paused, fear grabbing hold of me. There was only one reason London wouldn’t come here. Whenever we’d discussed her future plans, they always hinged on one thing. “Are you sick again?” Oh, god, I didn’t think I could take it if she was. “No, I’m not sick, Coop. My last appointment went well, remember? And I feel great.” Her words should have made me feel better, but they didn’t. Not at all. Instead, I felt sick. “Then what is there to think about?” “Everything,” she answered simply. “This is my entire future we’re talking about, Cooper.” Cooper. Not Coop. This whole conversation was a joke. Nothing about it felt right. “Yeah, I get it. I guess I thought I was a part of that future. Apparently I’d been wrong.” Angry, I ended the call and tossed the phone on the bed. Taking deep breaths, I had to steady myself in order to stay calm. What I wanted to do was punch a hole in the freaking wall. I felt like my whole life was breaking apart. Like someone had set off a bomb and blew everything to bits. When the next batter stepped up to the plate, I shook my head in an attempt to force the thoughts away. Only it was a losing battle. London’s words kept ringing through my ears. This is my entire future we’re talking about, Cooper. My future was on the line too. And if I didn’t get my shit together, I wasn’t going to have much of one left. It was no surprise when Coach pulled me in the next inning. I couldn’t strike out one batter. This wasn’t me. I knew that. Hell, anyone who had ever seen me play knew that. But no one here had seen what I was capable of. And so far I wasn’t making much of an impression. When I slumped away from the field after the game, I saw that I’d had several missed calls from London. For the first time in our relationship I had no desire to talk to her. Frustrated, I threw the phone back into my bag and kept walking.

CHAPTER 19

London I never thought that ending a call on a cell phone could be loud. It’s not like you could slam it down on the receiver like you could with a house phone. But when Cooper hung up on me it was loud. It pierced my ears, shot down my spine, reverberated through my body. It was a shock to my system, sharp, like a slap to the face. Knees buckling, I lowered into a nearby chair, holding my cell phone in my sweaty palm. The last words Cooper had said to me rang inside my head. I guess I thought I was a part of that future. Apparently I’d been wrong. He hadn’t been wrong, and I felt horrible for making him think he had been. Of course I wanted him to be a part of my future. I loved him. I was only struggling because I wanted to be sure I was making the right choice. I’d always been the type of person to weigh my options. As a child I would make pros and cons lists for the simplest things, like what I wanted to spend my Christmas money on. I’ve never been an impulsive person. Never one to let my heart win out over my head. Until Cooper. He was the one exception to that rule. Falling for him wasn’t part of my plan, and it didn’t seem to be the wisest thing to do. Still, when it came to him I wanted to throw caution to the wind. For once I wanted to take a risk. And it had paid off. However, this was different. This wasn’t as simple as going on a date or falling in love. This was deciding on where I would live for the next four years. And Fallbrook had never even been on my radar before meeting Cooper. The truth was that I always kind of assumed I would stay close to Dad. Attend Sac State or UC Davis. And when I got sick, that seemed the most likely scenario. Now everything had changed. And I guess….no, I know….I was scared. But I wished I’d handled it differently. I should have told him about the acceptance letter the day I got it, not wait until today right before his first game. Not like that’s what I had planned to do. In fact, I

didn’t want to tell him about the letter at all until I’d made a decision. But when he asked, I couldn’t lie. But now I sort of wish I had. Hanging my head, remorse filled me. With shaky fingers, I dialed Cooper’s number, praying he’d pick up. He didn’t. When voicemail clicked on, I grunted in frustration. There was no point in leaving a message, so I clicked off. Clearly he was avoiding my call. Damn it. My stomach churned thinking of him pitching in a game for the first time today. Earlier it had killed me knowing I wouldn’t be there to support him. Now it was killing me knowing that I’d upset him. Pinching the bridge of my nose with my thumb and index finger, I breathed deeply. I racked my brain trying to figure out how to fix this. But it was no use. I’d messed up. And if he wouldn’t talk to me, there wasn’t much I could do. Perhaps leaving him alone was the best option. Then he could get his head on straight. I need you, London. Did he need me? It seemed that lately I’d done more damage than good. Cooper and I had both been on different paths when we met. Neither of us were interested in a serious relationship. All he wanted was to become a professional pitcher, and all I wanted was to become a writer. When we fell for each other, our priorities shifted. Cooper was even willing to abandon his dream of attending Fallbrook for me. Thank god he didn’t. It’s where Cooper was meant to be. Baseball was his future. And the last thing he needed was for me to get in the way of that. The garage door sprung to life, and I heard Dad’s car pull in. It was Sunday, and Dad had gone to breakfast with Lisa. Their first date earlier this week had apparently went well if they were already going out again. “Hey, pumpkin,” Dad greeted me when he stepped inside. He hadn’t dressed nearly as fancy as last time. Still he looked nice in jeans and a collared shirt. “Hey.” Smoothing down my messy hair, I stood up from the kitchen chair. I was wearing my pajamas and hadn’t bothered to shower yet.

“You okay?” His eyebrows knit together. I hated how well he could read me. He was as bad as Cooper. “Fine.” I forced a smile. “How was your date?” “It went well.” Even though he tried to temper it, I saw the excitement in his eyes. He really liked this woman, I could tell. “That’s great, Dad.” At least one thing was going right today. His gaze dropped to the phone in my hand. “Have you talked to Cooper?” He smiled, rubbing his palms together. “It’s his big day.” My stomach knotted. “Yeah, I did.” “How’s he feeling? Is he ready?” He probably was before he talked to me. Shame lodged in my throat, burned my mouth. I swallowed it down. “Um…yeah. You know Cooper. He’s a pro.” It was what I needed to believe. I had to tell myself that our conversation hadn’t rattled him. That he would rise above it and focus on the game. Dad nodded in response. Unable to take his knowing stare any longer, I slid around him. “I’m gonna go take a shower.” With my head down, I hurried down the hallway and slipped into the bathroom. Once inside, I closed my eyes and prayed like crazy that Cooper would play well today. He still wasn’t answering his phone. I’d been calling all day. The game had to have ended hours ago, and still nothing. Panic rose in me, strangling me. Every breath was difficult, like chards of glass lined my esophagus. Cooper had never frozen me out before. Normally I’d be the first person he’d contact after a game. My mind swirled with dozens of possibilities. I thought of all the stories he told me about Ace; about how horrible he had treated him. And I started thinking that maybe they’d had an altercation. I imagined Cooper bloody and bruised, lying helpless somewhere. Pulse quickening, I had to fight the urge to get on a plane and race out to him. But when I really thought about it, I knew that wasn’t what happened. I’d never heard Cooper so angry with me before. That’s why he wasn’t calling. It had nothing to do with Ace.

It had everything to do with me. Crawling to the end of my bed, I reached for my laptop. Lying on my stomach, I opened it and connected to the wifi. Then I opened up my internet browser and pulled up the Fallbrook website. Scrolling with my mouse, I clicked on the Falcons Baseball Team page, and searched for today’s score. My heart sank when I found it. Shit. They lost. Rolling over, I grappled around trying to locate my phone. When I found it I held it up and shot off a text to Cooper. Me: Call me. I’m worried. After sending it, I bit my lip and waited. When there was no response after several minutes, I sent another one. Me: I’m sorry about today. I love u. Holding my breath, I stared at the phone. Finally it vibrated, words popping up on the screen. Cooper: I’m fine. No need to worry. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Where was the “I love you?” Where was the “I accept your apology?” God, I really screwed up this time. Me: Coop, talk to me, please. Cooper: I’m sorry, but I need time to think. He was using my words against me. And I guess I deserved it. Still it hurt. It hurt so much I felt a tear trickle down my face. What was happening to Cooper and me? Since when did we do this to one another? Once again I thought about the first night Cooper declared his feelings for me. I’d messed with his mind that night; upset his focus. Perhaps I’d never been good for him. I wondered if this was why so many relationships failed after high school. Maybe they broke up when they realized that they were holding the other person back.

CHAPTER 20

Cooper I had never ignored London before. And frankly, it made me feel like shit. Especially when she sent me the text saying that she was worried. But I still couldn’t bring myself to call her, or tell her I loved her. I’m not a total dick, so I did text her to let her know I was all right. But that was all I could give her. She wanted to talk, but there was no way. Not after what she’d told me. She just didn’t get it. She didn’t understand how much I loved her. How much I needed her. I would give up everything for her. There was nothing more important to me than she was. There was no way I’d choose a college over her. Hell, I wouldn’t even choose baseball over her. And to think that she didn’t feel the same way killed me. When you’d never suffered loss it was easy to take people for granted. It was easy to believe that the person you loved would be with you forever. Losing my parents at such a young age taught me that wasn’t the case. I’d learned early on that life was fragile; that it could be snatched away from you in an instant. That’s why it was so hard for me to give my heart to someone. But with London I didn’t have a choice. She owned my heart from the minute I met her. I couldn’t help myself from falling in love with her. And I thought it was okay because she understood loss the same way I did. I knew she’d never take life for granted. And when she got sick and I almost lost her, it solidified that for me - the idea that life was fleeting. But it did more than that. It confirmed how much I loved her. It confirmed her importance in my life. Up until then I thought baseball ruled supreme. But when faced with losing London, the choice was easy. I would’ve given up everything to keep her alive; to keep her with me. And that hadn’t changed for me.

So why had it changed for her? I wanted to call her and force her to explain everything. Better yet, I wanted to force her ass to come here and be with me. But I knew I couldn’t do that. Forcing her wasn’t the answer. With London I’d learned to tread carefully; to give her the space she needed. And in the end I had to believe she would eventually come around. That was why I did finally call her. It wasn’t until the day after our fight. Hey, I’m not a saint. I needed a day to cool off. But then my need for her trumped everything. I knew I still wanted to be with her despite everything. Hell, she still owned me. I guess everyone was right. I was whipped. But let me tell you, it sounded worse than it was. London answered after only one ring. She must have been waiting for my call. “Hey, baby,” I greeted her. “Hey.” I heard the relief in her voice. “How are you?” “I’m okay. Better than yesterday.” “That’s good,” she said. We were silent a minute, and then we both blurted out, “I’m sorry” at the same time. “Let’s just move on, all right?” I said. “Yeah, I’d like that.” For a minute I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to tell her about how shitty I played in the game because I was afraid that would only serve to cause more distance between us. But London came to my rescue by launching into some story about that weird stoner kid in her newspaper club and how he caused some issue at her last meeting. I listened half-heartedly. It’s not like I didn’t care about what she was saying, it was just that I knew what she was doing. She was talking about nothing in order to avoid the elephant in the room. The elephant that we both knew we’d have to face at some point, but neither of us was ready quite yet. It was happening again. I was throwing like shit. Why the hell couldn’t I get it together?

After the batter got a run on me I blew out a frustrated breath. I could feel the tension around me from the other players, and my shoulders tightened. I didn’t want to let them down again. Hell, I didn’t want to let myself down again. But it seemed I didn’t know how to do anything else lately. When the next batter took the plate, I stared at him, willing my thoughts to still. Honing in on my target, I tried to focus. But the minute I released the pitch I could feel that it was off. When the umpire called it a ball, I bit down on my lip in frustration. Parker called time and jogged in my direction. When he reached the mound, he flipped up his mask. Unable to face him, I stared at the ground in frustration. “Look at me, Coop.” With a sigh, I looked up at Parker, making eye contact with him. “Ask me why I practice with you on my free time and no other pitchers on the team.” I thought it was a weird question. The thought that Parker only practiced with me during his free time had never crossed my mind. “Because you want me to get better,” I answered. “That’s not the reason, Coop.” Shrugging, I shook my head. “Then I don’t know.” “That’s the problem. I know how good you are, maybe the best pitcher on our team. I have nothing but confidence in you, and I know you’re going to help this team win a bunch of games. That’s why I practice with you, and only you, Coop. You’re so much better than this, you know it, and I know it.” This time Parker didn’t flash his usual grin. Instead, he was all business. I nodded. He was right. I was better than this. “Let’s get it done, okay?” Parker asked. “Okay,” I agreed. It was a pep talk reminiscent of the ones I used to have with Nate. Even Grandpa could get in some pretty good ones after I’d been pulled from a game. However, this pep talk was a little different than those - a bit more grown up and forward, a college baseball pep talk. I wouldn’t let Parker or the team

down. It was time to shake off all the shit filling up my mind and do what I was good at – striking guys out. With renewed vigor, I faced the batter. This time when I looked at him I didn’t hear London’s voice in my head. I didn’t hear Ace’s insults. But mostly I didn’t feel alone. Parker flashed me a thumbsup, and I summoned up all I had within me. When I threw the pitch I knew it was golden. The umpire called it a strike, and hope rose inside of me. Okay, I got this. Two more strikes, and the batter was out. Around me the atmosphere shifted. Inside my chest my heart swelled. When the next batter approached, I flashed him a smug smile. Watch out. Cooper’s back. And there was no stopping me.

CHAPTER 21

London “I feel like I’m losing him, Dad.” “You’re just going through a rough patch,” Dad assured me. We were sitting on the couch, ESPN playing in the background. “It’s more than that.” I bit my lip, wondering how much I should divulge. Sure, I knew I could tell my dad anything, but I didn’t want to share too much personal stuff about Cooper. I’d already hurt him enough, I didn’t want to add betraying his confidence to my list of offenses. “I guess I feel like he’s sort of falling apart lately. This whole thing with the television show about the plane crash really rattled him. And then he has that rivalry with the other pitcher on his team. He’s just dealing with a lot, and I think he feels alone.” “Sounds like it’s your turn.” His words confused me. “My turn for what?” “Last year you were the one going through a tough time, remember?” I nodded. How could I forget? I almost died. I was pretty sure that memory would stick with me forever. “And who saved you?” “Cooper,” I whispered. It was his bone marrow that ultimately healed me. “And now he’s struggling. Maybe not in the same way. His life isn’t at stake, but his career is. Everything he’s worked so hard for.” “But I don’t know how to fix it. There’s not an operation for this,” I pointed out, feeling even more discouraged. Dad was right. Cooper rescued me. He was there for me in my time of need, but I had absolutely no idea how to return the favor. Dad reached out, covering my hand with his. “Pumpkin, why do you think Cooper is struggling so much?”

I shook my head. For weeks I’d thought about nothing else. Yet I still had no clue. Cooper had always been so strong, so self-assured. He wasn’t the type of guy to get rattled. So why was that happening now? Since I’d met him, his ability to shut off the world around him and focus was something I envied. I had to escape in a book to lose myself. But Cooper had complete authority over his own mind. He could do it anytime he needed. Until now. “It must have to do with his parents,” I say, thinking hard. “I mean, Mom’s death has defined me more than I’ve wanted it to. In fact, I think in some ways it’s still holding me back.” “What do you mean?” Dad lifted his hand off of mine, pinning me with a questioning stare. “I feel safe here with you, Dad. And the thought of going out into that big world full of strangers in a place I’m unfamiliar with scares me. I think it’s part of the reason I’m afraid to go away to college.” “Is that the only reason?” I shook my head. “I hate the thought of leaving you.” “Pumpkin, I’ll be fine.” “I know you will.” “What’s the other reason then?” God, I never got off the hook that easily. “What if I go to Fallbrook and Cooper and I break up?” “Life is unpredictable, London. There are no guarantees. You know that better than anyone.” Dad paused, and I thought about how that wasn’t exactly true. He knew it as well as I did. Everything I’d lived through, he had too. “But last year when Cooper thought he’d lose you, did he walk away?” “No,” I admitted. “No. He didn’t. In fact, he fought for you, didn’t he?” “Yeah. Yeah, he did.” For a moment I was silent, mulling over Dad’s words. And then I knew exactly what I had to do. “London, this is a nice surprise,” Cooper’s grandma said when I showed up at their house unexpectedly.

I should have called first, but I didn’t even think about it. Once I’d made up my mind I hopped in the car and drove over here like a bat out of hell. “Hi.” Standing up tall, I summoned up all my courage. “Can I talk to you about something?” “Of course.” She draped an arm over my shoulder and ushered me inside. The house smelled like vanilla and floral perfume. When we sat down on the couch in the living room my heart ached for Cooper. The last time I’d been here was with him. I conjured up the feel of his lips on mine, his hands on my skin. And I knew I’d do anything to help him. I loved him so much my heart felt like it would burst from my chest. The last couple of months had been so difficult for me, and it reminded me of how much I did need him. How much I wanted to be with him. “What’s on your mind?” Mrs. Montgomery asked me. I could hear Cooper’s grandpa in the next room watching TV. Probably the same channel Dad was watching when I left him. Both of them were hopelessly addicted to sports. “I’m worried about Cooper,” I blurted out. But she didn’t bat an eye. In fact, she didn’t seem surprised at all, which only confirmed my need to be concerned. Clearly his grandparents had been feeling the same way. “He seems kind of lost lately, and I want to help him. I just don’t know how.” Her bright coral lips curled at the edges, wrinkles forming around her eyes. “Come with me, London. I want to show you something.” Clasping and unclasping my hands I followed behind her. We walked down the narrow hallway leading to the bedrooms. Pictures of Cooper in various stages of growing up covered the walls. When Cooper’s grandma slipped into a nearby bedroom, I went in after her. It was a bedroom I hadn’t been in before. The generic decorations made it obvious that it was the guest room. After opening the closet door, Mrs. Montgomery reached up on the top shelf and pulled down a closed box. Facing me, she held the box between us. “Cooper’s never really been the same since his parents died. It’s like a part of him died with them. He’s always been pretty closed off. Sure, he’s been a great kid. Super loving and respectful to his grandpa and I, but nothing like he was as a small kid. Back then he was so open, so vulnerable. Losing his parents made Cooper afraid to open up to anyone. I’ve even felt him push me away at times when I got too close.”

She glanced down at the box. “This box holds a bunch of stuff from my son and daughter-in-law. It was the stuff they’d saved for Cooper.” Emotion was evident on her face, and it cut to my heart. “His baby book, pictures, videos. Cooper has never looked at any of it. He’s refused to. In fact, I sometimes wonder if he’s ever really mourned his parents. I’m not sure he’s ever come to grips with the loss.” I nodded, knowing exactly what she was saying. Sometimes fully embracing pain was too hard. It was easier to only feel it somewhat, to keep it at arm’s length. “This television show reminded me of how much he hasn’t come to grips with everything.” She thrust the box into my arms. “London, you are the first person Cooper really opened up to after losing his parents, so I think you’re the only person who can help him get through this.” “But how?” “Go to him.” “What?” I clutched the box, the weight of it heavy in my arms. “Next week is a bye week. He’ll have a free weekend. Go see him.” She locked eyes with me. “Assure him he’s not losing you too.” Her gaze flickered down to the box. “Bring that with you. I think it’s time for him to go through it.” “But I’m not sure if I can make it work.” “We’ll pay for your plane ticket, hotel room, whatever you need.” “You would do that?” “London, I love Cooper. He’s more than my grandson. He’s my son. I would do anything to help him.” Smiling softly, she patted my arm. “When he fell for you I was so happy that he’d finally met someone who could break through his tough exterior. I think he’s scared he’s losing you, but clearly he’s wrong if you’re here, right?” “Right.” “Then go tell him. He needs to know he can count on you.” Holding tightly to the box, I nodded. Dad was right. It was my turn to save Cooper, and I’d do everything in my power to do just that.

CHAPTER 22

Cooper I hadn’t planned on watching the show. In fact, I had been adamantly opposed to it. But on the night it aired, I found myself turning on the TV in my dorm room and flipping to the channel. Since moving here I’d hardly watched television unless it was to check the scores of a game. But Justin liked watching TV. I suppose that’s why he brought this one here. Of course, he had more time than I did to sit around and do nothing. When the show started, my muscles tensed the same way they did right before a game. I worried that if I sat on the edge of my bed with my muscles tight like this the whole show I’d cramp up. But no amount of rolling my shoulders could loosen me up. I was grateful Justin wasn’t here to witness this. He already insulted me enough. The opening scene was a photograph of the plane while it was still intact. I stared at the pristine aircraft, its wings appearing sturdy and my chest tightened. I imagined my parents inside, giddy about their trip, looking forward to it even. If only they had known. If only there had been some warning. If only they’d never set foot on the plane. I blew out a breath when the scene changed. The host of the show was explaining how the crash took place, but I tuned her out. I’d heard this so many times I could probably recite it for her. Blood rushed to my ears, making it difficult to decipher her words. Shaking my head, I stood up fully intending to turn off the TV. I wasn’t sure what possessed me to watch it in the first place. What was I? Some kind of masochist? Nothing good could come from rehashing any of this. Taking a step forward, I held my arm out. And that’s when I saw her. Charlotte. Her face splashed across the screen. What the hell? I drew my arm back, and listened intently. “…lost both of her parents on the flight.”

My heart stopped. Charlotte lost her parents on the same flight I lost mine on? What a strange coincidence. “When we return we’ll talk to Charlotte and find out how she survived such a devastating loss and what she’s up to now.” I froze. Charlotte took part in the show. They interviewed her. Anger surfaced. It was no coincidence. She knew exactly who I was the whole time. Why hadn’t she said anything? Clicking the TV off, I snatched my keys off my bed and tore out of the room. Adrenaline pumping, I stalked down the hallway and out the front doors. A cool breeze whisked over me, and I welcomed it. The heat was bad enough when I wasn’t pissed off, but right now I felt like my body was on fire. As I neared Charlotte’s building, I tasted betrayal on my tongue. It was bitter and metallic, like the taste of blood. It’s not like Charlotte was my damn BFF or something, but I still felt used. She knew something about me. Something personal. Something very few people knew. There was a reason I didn’t do that stupid show. My grandparents thought it was because I couldn’t face it, but it was more than that. When my parents died, I worried that it would define me. I didn’t want to be known as little orphan Cooper. I mean, hell, there’s a name for kids without parents. Orphans. How pathetic does that sound? I didn’t want to be pathetic. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I had done nothing to gain people’s sympathy. I was still here. And I had my grandparents to raise me. It was my parents who’d gotten the short end of the stick. They were the ones who lost their lives. It was them people should feel sorry for. Not me. At the memorial service so many people came up to me to give their condolences. And they all had the same look on their face. A look of pity. And I hated it. I never wanted to be pitied. I had never been a joke. I’d always been strong. It was why I hated Ace so much. He’d made me into a joke here. And my poor playing had caused people to feel sorry for me. I was sick of it. It all needed to stop. “Cooper?” Charlotte’s voice cut into my thoughts. She was walking with a group of girls. I hadn’t even seen her, I’d been so lost in my own thoughts. Shoving my hands into the pocket of my jeans, I forced myself to stay composed. “I need to talk to

you.” “Okay.” She appeared perplexed. Turning to her friends she said, “I’ll be up in a minute.” They all nodded and then scurried toward the building. Charlotte licked her lips. “What’s up?” “Why didn’t you tell me?” “Tell you what?” Her innocent act was infuriating. “I watched the show, so you can cut the shit.” Her gaze shifted nervously, and I made a mental note to dial it down. “So you know about my parents.” “You already knew about mine, didn’t you?” She shrugged. “When I was being interviewed I shared where I went to school. Afterward, one of the producers mentioned that one of the other survivors went here as well. I asked him who, and he told me your name.” “Survivors?” I grunted. “We weren’t on the flight.” She shook her head. “You know what I mean. We are surviving relatives or whatever.” “Did you start dating Justin before or after you had this information?” “Wow. Someone is pretty self-absorbed.” She widened her eyes. “I was dating Justin before. It was just a bizarre coincidence that you were his roommate.” I wasn’t sure I believed her until I remembered when the show called me. It was during Christmas break, and Justin and Charlotte had already been dating, so I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. I thought about how upset I’d been lately – at London, at Ace, at myself – and I wondered if maybe being mad at Charlotte was easier than facing what I was really mad at. Perhaps I was just shifting my focus. Feeling bad for tearing over here, I was about to walk away when Charlotte stopped me. “I wanted to tell you when I found out, but I didn’t know how. The producers told me that you wanted nothing to do with the show, and I worried that if I said anything you’d be upset with me.” She flashed a wry grin. “It seems that you were going to be upset either way.” I felt like an ass. “Besides, Justin broke it off and you were so sweet.” Reaching out, her hand closed around my

wrist. “I didn’t want to mess that up. But I’m glad you know. Now you can see how perfect we are for each other.” Her words were totally out of left field. “What?” “Yeah.” She stepped closer, her face nearing mine. “We both know what it’s like to lose our parents at a young age. We’ve both fought through tragedy and heartache to be here. I felt a connection to you from the minute we met. And when I found out about your parents, it all made sense. And when I’m with you, I can tell you feel it too.” Angling her face, she brushed her lips over mine. Then she clamped down firmly.

CHAPTER 23

London When I turned the rental car into the visitor’s parking lot of Fallbrook University’s campus, nerves attacked my insides like tiny ants covering a piece of uneaten food after a picnic. I had thought of warning Cooper I was coming, but then decided against it. Our phone conversations had been so strained lately, I figured what I had to say would be better in person. Besides, surprises were romantic, weren’t they? Romance wasn’t exactly my forte. Cooper was my first boyfriend, and I’d spent the first few months of our relationship sick, and then the remainder of it we’d been apart. Cooper was the romantic one out of the two of us. He loved surprising me, so I decided it was best to take my cue from him. The last time we talked he told me he planned to just hang out this weekend. He had some studying to do and he thought he might meet Parker to throw some pitches. But other than that, he hadn’t made any plans. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from spilling the beans at that point. I knew he’d be doing a lot more than hanging in his dorm room or practicing with Cooper, but I couldn’t tell him any of that. After parking, I assessed my reflection in the rearview mirror. Yanking the brush out of my purse, I ran it through my hair. It had grown out considerably since I last saw Cooper. It was now down to my chin. It curled out a little at the edges after I ran the brush through it. Dad had taken me to the salon this week and I had some highlights put in. It was dark outside, but when the streetlamp from above shone on me, golden strands sparkled. I smiled, knowing Cooper would love it. I’d worn a little bit of eye shadow and mascara since Cooper loved my eyes so much. I didn’t go crazy. It was subtle, but I still thought it looked nice. I glided some gloss over my lips and then put all the contents back into my purse. Flinging the purse over my shoulder, I stepped out of the car. Glancing at the trunk, I thought of my luggage inside, and about the box Cooper’s grandma had given me. The nerves started back up again, so I stood still and took a deep cleansing breath. I almost stopped at the hotel first to check in, but I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to see Cooper. It had been too long. My body longed for his touch, my lips longed for his kiss. Quite

simply, every part of me wanted him. Shivering, I stepped away from the car. Then I stopped, reached into my purse, and pulled out the map I’d printed of the campus. Cooper’s grandpa had circled Cooper’s dorm room for me. Still I was terrible with maps, so I wondered how easy it would be to find it. The campus sprawled out before me, large and imposing. It was much larger than it appeared on this tiny map. I held it up, my finger tracing the route. Lowering it, I started walking. I wondered if I should text him to make sure he was in his room. I mean, what if he was out practicing or something? No, I’d go to his dorm, and if he wasn’t there I could text him then. I was sort of worried that if we spoke now I’d give something away. I was never good at keeping secrets. Skyler’s family tried to throw her a surprise party one year, and I’d accidentally told her a few days prior. Since she’s so dramatic she pretended to be shocked, and I thought she played it off well. But I’d always felt bad about it. When I reached the grass, my feet sank into it, the reeds tickling my flesh through my sandals. I almost wore a skirt, but didn’t want to bother with it on the plane. Instead I wore a pair of shorts and a vneck shirt. It wasn’t fancy, but at least it was form fitting. Skyler approved, so I figured it would do. I hurried across the grass heading toward the concrete walkway. Buildings loomed above me, and I squinted to make out the words displayed on them. Then I checked it against the map. Satisfied I was going the right direction, I continued on. My purse thumped against my hip with each stride. The air was warm against my skin, the scent of clean air filling my senses. I could see why Cooper liked it here. It was warm back home, but nothing like this. This felt like being at the beach. I wondered how close we were to the beach, and my heart fluttered. I’d brought a swimsuit just in case. Remembering that last morning in Cooper’s room propelled me to walk faster. The next time I glanced at the map I stopped, realizing that I’d gotten myself turned around. Somehow I’d ended up near the girls’ dorms. As I stared at one I found myself wondering what it would be like to live here. A group of girls whisked past, a plume of floral perfume trailing them. They barely gave me a glance, but I was used to that. Spinning around, I started heading in the other direction. A couple was in front of me, facing each other. When my gaze landed on them, the girl stepped forward and pressed her lips to the boy’s. There was something oddly familiar about him. About the way he stood, about the slant of his nose, the

slope of his shoulders. Cooper. No, it couldn’t be. Shaking my head, I told myself I was imagining things. It was another boy. It had to be. Cooper was in his dorm room thinking about me. Cooper loved me, and only me. Always. Wasn’t that what he promised? When the couple separated, the boy’s head swiveled in my direction. When our eyes met, I know I couldn’t deny it any longer. It was Cooper - my boyfriend, my heart, the love of my life. And the girl next to him sure as hell wasn’t me. Turning away, I felt my heart breaking apart. I could barely breathe against the pain of it. Unable to stand it any longer, I took off running. I heard Cooper hollering my name, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Not until I was as far away from him as possible.

CHAPTER 24

Cooper It took a minute to register what the hell was happening. Then I shoved Charlotte back and shook my head in response. Words seemed stuck in the back of my throat, locked in stunned silence. A loud gasp in the distance caught my attention. When I turned in the direction of it, I saw a splash of blond hair and my breath hitched in my throat. London. No, it couldn’t be. I blinked. What was she doing here? My heart arrested at the expression of horror on her face. Before I could say anything she spun around and started running away from me. “London! Wait!” I called after her, but she didn’t stop. In fact, her legs appeared to be moving faster than before. Shit. What the hell was happening tonight? First Charlotte came on to me, and now London was here. Was I on some prank show or something? God, I wished. But it seemed like this was real life shit. “Let her go,” Charlotte said. “She needed to know what was going on. Maybe it’s for the best that she saw.” I narrowed my eyes at Charlotte, certain she was certifiably insane. “She didn’t see anything. This was nothing.” I pointed between us. “How can you say that? Surely you feel something between us or you wouldn’t even be here.” “You’re right. I did feel something for you. I felt sorry for you when Justin broke it off with you. And tonight I felt anger with you for keeping a secret from me. But that’s it.” She reeled back, appearing stricken. “Nothing was ever going to happen between us. And now that you’ve messed things up with me and my girl, I never want to see your face again.” Without even bothering to look back at Charlotte, I took off sprinting. I ran as if I was chasing a ball, or running the bases in an attempt to make it to home. I’d never been a very fast runner. It was one of the many reasons I was grateful to be a pitcher. When I went up to bat, I could easily turn a double into a single based on my speed. But right now, I was on a mission.

I ran with purpose. There was no way I could let London get away. If she left, she’d take my heart with her. Lungs burning and legs aching, I finally caught up to her. She was almost an arm’s reach away, but not quite. Her ragged breathing reached my ears, making me feel like shit. I knew running wasn’t her thing either, and I felt bad for being the reason she was pushing herself like this. “London. Please stop running. Let me explain.” “There’s nothing to explain. I’ve seen what I needed to.” Her voice was choppy as she spoke between labored breaths. “Baby, c’mon. Stop.” I threw my arm out, my fingers circling her wrist. She stopped running, her body going rigid from my touch. Blowing out a breath, her chest heaved. Everything in her stance told me she had no desire to speak to me. I wanted to launch into my explanation, but my curiosity got the better of me. It was so shocking to see London here. She hadn’t mentioned anything about visiting, and yet, here she was. “What are you doing here?” “I came to surprise you, but it seems that I’m the one who was surprised.” She came all this way to surprise me? It was so darn sweet I wanted to reward her with a kiss, but I couldn’t do that. Not now. Not after what she’d seen. Shit. I could kill Charlotte. “London, what happened back there was just a misunderstanding.” She whirled to face me, and I sucked in a breath. She looked gorgeous, and all I wanted to do was sweep her into my arms. It was killing me to keep my arms at my sides, to not touch her. I’d been dreaming of this moment for months, fantasizing about when we’d see each other again. And let me tell you, this was never one of the scenarios I imagined. No, my daydreams involved a lot less anger and a lot more kissing and touching. “So that wasn’t Charlotte, the girl you’re always with when I call?” She crossed her arms over her chest. The light from a nearby streetlamp shone across her face, causing her eyes to sparkle. “I’m not always with her when you call.” Her eyes narrowed, and I realized that was probably the wrong answer.

“So I’m right?” She nodded as if answering her own question. “You’re right about her being Charlotte.” I mentally scolded myself for going to talk to Charlotte tonight. If only I’d stayed in my dorm room. It’s just that I was so angry after watching the show, and I wanted an explanation. I wasn’t expecting her to behave the way she did. Stepping forward, I reached for London, but she stepped back. “But nothing happened.” “Something happened from where I stood.” London’s lower lip trembled. “God, Coop, did you mean anything you said to me at Thanksgiving?” Her words were like a knife to my heart. “Every. Single. Word.” I had hoped that my answer would assure her, but her face hardened at my response. She shook her head. “Then why were you with her? You said you wanted to be with me and only me.” Her eyes filled with moisture and she bit down on her bottom lip to keep it from quivering. “I believed you. I thought nothing could come between us.” Turning away from me, her voice came out in a shallow whisper. “I guess I was wrong.” “No, you weren’t wrong.” “Clearly I was if you were with another girl!” She shouted. I flinched. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of movement. When I turned to look, I saw some guys off in the distance, but they were minding their own business. Ignoring them, I looked back at London. “I wasn’t with another girl. I haven’t been with any other girl since we got together. I promise.” “But what about what I saw…” London craned her neck in my direction, a sliver of hope in her eyes. “She came on to me, but I pushed her away. I never wanted any of it.” “Then why were you even with her tonight?” London asked. “I watched the show. The one about the plane crash,” I responded, hoping she’d listen long enough for me to explain everything. “I didn’t think I would, but I guess I was too curious not to.” I shrugged. “Anyway, Charlotte was on the show. Apparently she lost her parents on the flight as well.” London cocked her head to the side, her eyebrows lifting slightly. “And she never told you?” I shook my head. “I mean, it’s not like we were close or anything. She dated Justin for a short

while, and she and I talked a few times. Despite what you think, we didn’t really hang out or anything. Honestly, I’ve been so busy with baseball and homework, I didn’t have time to hang out with anyone.” I caught London’s gaze. “Whenever I had a free moment I devoted it to you.” Searching her eyes, I tried to see if I was getting through to her, but I couldn’t tell. So I pressed on. “Still, I was bothered by the fact that she kept that information from me. Clearly she knew who I was the whole time, and I wondered why she kept it a secret.” “How could you be sure she knew about your parents?” “She’d made a few cryptic statements. At the time I brushed them off, but when I found out who she was, I knew.” I swallowed hard. “So I went to talk to her. Mostly I wanted to find out why she kept it from me in the first place. It didn’t make sense.” Pausing, I ran a hand through my hair. “She told me that she knew I wanted nothing to do with the show, so she worried that if I knew about her parents I wouldn’t want to speak to her anymore. Then she started saying all this stuff about how we were connected since we’d gone through the same thing in losing our parents. And she told me she had feelings for me. Honestly, London, I wasn’t expecting any of it.” “And did you feel the same way?” “No,” I answered firmly. “Not at all. I was shocked. That’s why it took me a minute to respond, but when I did I told her I wasn’t interested in her. I told her I loved you.” London closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. “I’m just so confused.” “About us?” My stomach tightened. “About everything.” “London.” I moved toward her. She shook her head. “Please give me some time alone. I need to think.” “Don’t do this, baby. Just come with me. I’ll take you somewhere and we can talk. We’ll work this out.” “Cooper,” her tone was harsh. “I don’t want to go anywhere with you. Not right now.” Spinning on her heels, she stepped away. Panic bloomed in my chest. “Where are you going?”

“On a walk.” “Where? You don’t even know your way around.” “I have my phone. I’ll call you later.” As she walked away, my stomach plummeted to my feet. I’d screwed up big time, and I wasn’t sure how to fix it.

CHAPTER 25

London I had this whole plan for what I’d do when I saw Cooper tonight. And now it was ruined. Destroyed. I wished I’d never come here. If only I’d stayed home. Then I could have avoided the whole thing. I never would’ve seen him with that girl pawing all over him. That image would forever be burned in my brain, like a tattoo. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to erase it. When Cooper and I first got together I struggled with the knowledge of how many girls he’d been with before. And the fact that I’d attended school with him for the past three years didn’t help. I could picture him kissing other girls, flirting with them or holding their hands. The difference was that I could remind myself that those things had happened prior to our relationship. I could tuck all those memories into a neat little box labeled “before,” reminding myself that they had nothing to do with me. Remind myself that he had changed; that my Cooper would never do those things. And I believed that. He was a new person, totally different than the boy he’d been before. Everyone saw the change in him. I could almost pretend that the boy who’d been with all those girls wasn’t my Cooper at all. But tonight it was my Cooper with that girl. It was my Cooper she was touching. Her fingers grazed the face I’d run my fingers over many times. The same lips that touched mine had touched hers. And it was too much. I wanted to scream, to throw things, to cry. But I couldn’t. Not here. Not on the college campus where anyone could see me. Walking faster, I knew I had to get out of here. Turning a corner, I hurried toward where I’d parked the rental car. Perhaps I could even get a flight back tonight. Then I could go home and try to forget this night ever happened. Only I knew there was no forgetting. I’d remember this night for the rest of my life. A small tear trickled out of my eye, and I swiped it quickly. The tears would have to wait. Sniffling, I picked up the pace. The snap of a twig caused my shoulders to tense. I swiveled my head,

scanning the area around me. When I saw a group of students walking toward me, I relaxed a little and mentally chastised myself. I was out in public. What was I expecting? Of course there would be people around. I needed to stop being so jumpy. Taking a deep breath, I passed the group and stepped onto the grass. Remembering where the parking lot was, I figured if I cut through the grass I’d get there faster. And all I wanted right now was to be in my car and far away from this campus. I weaved around a tree, my shoes sinking into the wet grass. Darkness shrouded me as I moved further away from the lights that framed the concrete walkway. Rustling nearby caused my pulse to quicken. Forcing away the paranoid thoughts I kept my head down and kept walking. But the rustling got nearer and nearer. The image of my mom’s battered body flashed in my mind, and I almost cried out. Instead, I bit my lip and tried to think of happier things. It was a losing battle though. Once my mind latched on to this damn memory there was no getting rid of it. A hand clamped down on my shoulder, and a bloodcurdling scream tore from my throat. “Hey, hey, relax,” an unfamiliar man’s voice boomed. His voice was scratchy and gravelly, just like my mom’s attacker. Even though his words were clearly meant to calm me down, they actually just amped me up further. “Get away from me,” I spoke through gritted teeth, flailing my arms. “C’mon, I’m not going to hurt you.” Thick hands were touching me again, closing over my arms, and spinning me around. My head bobbed up, my gaze landing on the stranger. He was a huge. His large muscular body loomed over me, his dark eyes piercing mine. I shuddered, cowering. My gaze darted around, looking for someone, anyone. But no one was near. Students milled about further up on the campus, a few of them ambling down the walkway. But I was too far off, hidden in the darkness of the trees. Why the hell had I walked this way? And where had this guy come from? Was he waiting for me to be alone? I thought about how my mom had been alone when her attacker showed up. How he’d waited for Dad and I to leave before approaching her. The stranger’s lips curled upward in a smile as if he was enjoying my discomfort. His hold on my arms tightened. I wondered if Mom’s attacker had smiled at her.

“You’re a feisty little thing. I can see why Mini-Coop likes you.” Mini-Coop? I stopped fighting and stared up at him. “Who are you?” I demanded. He chuckled. “Inquisitive too. I like it.” “Just tell me who you are.” My heart pounded in my chest. “Ace.” I inhaled sharply, remembering all the stories Cooper told me about Ace. Shit. “I see you’ve heard of me.” He sneered. “And I’ve heard of you too. You’re Cooper’s girl. Not the one he was with earlier. The one from back home. Am I right?” My stomach soured at his mention of Charlotte. And how did he know so much about me? I knew he and Cooper weren’t exactly friends. “What do you want from me?” I hated how whiny my voice sounded. “Wow. Usually girls don’t put up this much of a fight.” He’d done this before? Oh, god. Was he like a serial rapist or something? Terror snaked around my heart, squeezing hard. Reaching down, I attempted to pry his fingers off, but his grip was too tight. Terrified, I let out another scream, praying someone would hear. “Let go of her now!” At the sound of Cooper’s voice relief washed over me like a cool breeze on a hot day. “Ah, look.” Ace released his hold on me, and I exhaled. “It’s Mini-Coop.” Cooper rushed Ace, shoving him backward. “Don’t you ever lay a hand on my girl.” Ace’s eyes darkened. “You better watch it, Mini.” My stomach knotted at the look of pure hatred in Ace’s eyes. I stepped back, my butt hitting a nearby tree. I wanted to grab Cooper and get the hell out of here. But before I could react, Cooper was coming at Ace again. “No, you better watch it. I’ve put up with your shit all season, but now you’ve gone too far.” His fist connected with Ace’s jaw, and I winced. “You can mess with me all you want, but you will not touch London.” Ace staggered back, clutching his jaw. Then he narrowed his eyes and stood tall. “That was a

mistake.” He shoved Cooper hard in the chest. I gasped as Cooper flew backward. Desperate, I glanced around. Where was everyone? Blood rushed to my head, my heart hammering. Cooper regained composure and swung at Ace again, but Ace blocked it. Then he grabbed Cooper around the waist and tackled him to the ground. “You’re an idiot.” Ace ground his teeth together. “I wasn’t hurting your girl. I saw you get in a fight, so I was just checking on her.” My stomach soured. Was that true? Had I blown this whole thing out of proportion? Did irrational fear get the best of me again? “I don’t believe you.” Cooper writhed underneath Ace, but Ace held him down, hitting him once in the face. “Stop!” I hollered, wishing I could make this cease. Even though I’d been so angry with Cooper a few minutes ago, I never wanted him to be hurt. Gathering up a surge of courage, I stepped away from the tree. There was no way I could allow Ace to hurt Cooper again. I was about to jump on Ace’s back when a guy raced toward us. “Ace?” The guy called out. Ace’s head snapped up. “Ace, what the hell, man? You can’t be doing this.” The guy glanced down at Cooper, and I saw recognition in his eyes. “Shit, dude. Seriously? Not again.” “He started it,” Ace spat. “And now he’s getting what he deserves.” The guy moved forward carefully. “You want to throw everything away for this guy? Is it worth it?” Ace stared at the guy, losing some of his toughness. He released the hold he had on Cooper and I exhaled, my chest expanding. Cooper took his opening, shoving Ace back. Ace teetered backwards, and Cooper slipped out from under him. Without acknowledging Ace at all, Cooper scrambled off the ground and raced to me. “London.” Cooper’s hands were on my face. “You okay?” He had a bruise under his eye and it was starting to swell. Nodding, I winced. I wasn’t the one he

should be worried about. “You’re gonna regret this, Mini,” Ace growled. “I doubt it,” Cooper responded. “Wait until Coach finds out about this.” Rolling over, Ace stood up unsteadily and staggered in the opposite direction. His friend gave us a wary look and then followed behind Ace. My insides coiled. “Coop, are you going to lose your position on the team over this?” Cooper shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.” “Yes, it does.” Cooper’s hands tightened around my face. “No, it doesn’t. London, don’t you get it by now? Nothing is more important to me than you. I could never play baseball again, and as long as I had you and you were safe and healthy, I would be happy.” His forehead fell to mine. “When I heard you scream, I lost my mind. I’ll never let anyone hurt you, baby.” My mind flitted back to what I’d witnessed between Charlotte and Cooper. It was true that she seemed to be the one initiating the contact. He was just standing there with his hands by his sides. Was he telling the truth the whole time? Shame and regret filled me at the thought. If I hadn’t overreacted, none of this would have happened at all. But then I remembered Ace’s words. “But Ace mentioned Charlotte like he’d seen you two together.” “Ace was trying to stir up trouble. Clearly he’d witnessed what happened between you and I tonight and he thought he could capitalize on it. He’d do just about anything to take my spot on the team.” “I’m so sorry,” I breathed out, realizing how bad I’d messed up. I had played right into Ace’s hands. If Cooper lost his spot on the team it would be on me. “This is all my fault.” “Hey. Like I said, you’re worth it.” He drew his face back and looked into my eyes. “But you never would’ve fought Ace if it wasn’t for me. I shouldn’t have run off.” “Ace is a dick. He had it coming, trust me. This fight was inevitable.” Reaching out, I touched his face, my fingertips trailing the bruise. “We need to get ice on this.” He nodded. “First, I need to make sure we’re okay.” “Yeah, we’re okay.”

“You believe me about Charlotte?” My head bobbed up and down. “I do.” I took Cooper to my hotel room. He didn’t want to go back to his dorm and be interrogated by Justin. When we got to my room, I instructed him to sit on the bed while I ran down the hall to fill the ice bucket. Then I returned to the room and dropped some ice cubes into a rag. After wrapping the rag around the ice, I moved to where Cooper was perched on the edge of the bed. Sitting next to him, I lifted the rag and carefully held it against his bruise. His hot breath fanned over my arm, causing me to shiver. It was a little swollen, but it didn’t look so bad. Ace hadn’t hurt him as much as I’d thought. Still, I hated seeing him like this. Sitting in silence, I held it there for a few minutes. My mind was restless, a jumble of guilt inducing thoughts. Wishing I could make this all better, erase the damage I’d caused, I lowered the rag. Then I moved in close and gently pressed my lips to the bruise. I swept my lips over the swelling, hoping my mouth could convey how sorry I was. His expression was unreadable as I drew back. When I tried to stand up, his hand clamped around my wrist. “Not so fast,” he said. My insides trembled at his tone. His eyes darkened, his eyelids lowering. Bringing his other arm out, he grabbed my other wrist. Then he drew me to him, fastening his mouth to mine. In his kiss I felt all his pent-up desire, all his longing and need. There was desperation in the way he held my wrists tightly, the way his tongue slid over mine, the way his lips moved with intensity. “God, I was so scared of losing you tonight.” Our gazed locked. “I’m sorry.” “No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about all of it.” Releasing my arms, he brought his hands up to touch my face. His fingertips were silky against my flesh. “You’re my heart, London. You’re my everything. I would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. God, just the thought of losing you kills me.” His words pierced my heart. How could I have ever doubted him? “Coop, I feel terrible.” I moved away from him, and started pacing. “I let all my old insecurities get the better of me. I guess my imagination ran wild because of what everyone’s been saying to me at school.” I heard the creak of the bed as Cooper stood. His arms wrapped around my waist, drawing me to

him. His heart thumped against my back. “You have no reason to be insecure. And I told you to tell me if people were being mean to you at school.” I smiled. “I know. I guess I thought I was handling it better than I was.” “You never need to handle anything on your own, London. That’s why you have me. You’ve got to let me carry some of your burdens.” Leaning back, I sighed. “That’s why I came today. I wanted to be here for you the night of the television show airing.” I snorted. “Some help I was.” He spun me around to face him. “Hey, having you here with me is the best thing that’s happened to me in months.” “Even after everything that’s happened tonight?” My eyebrows raised in skepticism. “Yeah.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “I missed you more than I can even express, baby.” “Me too.” “I hate being away from you. Everything is harder when you’re not with me.” He tugged me close. “You’re not going to have to be without me much longer,” I told him. He froze, his eyes widening. For a moment neither of us moved. His gaze collided with mine, as if he was unsure what to believe. “Are you saying what I think you are?” “If you’re thinking that I will soon be a Fallbrook Falcon, then yes.” “Really?” He smiled. “You’re sure about this?” “Yeah.” I nodded, my smile growing. “What I want is you, Coop. You’re my future. I think that’s why I got so freaked out when I saw you with that girl. For a split second I worried that I’d chosen wrong. But now I know I didn’t.” “Oh, god, baby. You don’t know how happy I am.” His arms circled my waist, and he picked me up, kissing me hard. “I wasn’t sure how I’d survive another four years away from you.” “Me either.” I shook my head. “And I didn’t want to find out. Fallbrook is a good school, and it has a great English program. But that isn’t why I chose it. I chose it because it has you.” Cooper stamped a kiss on my forehead. “And now it has you.”

CHAPTER 26

Cooper London breathed evenly through semi-parted lips. Her golden hair was splayed across the pillow, her lashes resting against her pale skin. Reaching down, I gently stroked her hair with my fingertips. She stirred, but didn’t wake. My body was curled around hers, and it felt good to have her so close. We stayed up late last night talking. By the time we finished, London was getting tired, and I had no desire to leave her. Not after the night we’d had. So we cuddled on the bed, and before I knew it London was fast asleep in my arms. I watched her for awhile, enjoying the soft rise and fall of her chest, savoring the way she looked– so content and peaceful. But mostly I just wanted to take in all of her features, to convince myself that she was here and she was real. I couldn’t believe she came all this way for me. London knew how much I loved surprises and sweeping romantic gestures. They weren’t really her thing, so rarely did she do them. And this one was pretty huge. It must have been awful for her to do all that and then witness what happened between me and Charlotte. Man, I could kill myself for almost blowing this, for almost losing London. My stomach tightened at the memory of Ace with his hands on her. That asshole deserved what happened. Lifting my hand, I touched my swollen face. Even though I knew I’d acted impulsively and my behavior might cost me my spot on the team, I didn’t regret it. There was no way I could let him get away with scaring London like that. Not after everything she’d been through. She should always feel safe and protected, and it was my job to keep her that way. With my arm around her, I tugged her closer to me. When I did her butt brushed over my crotch, and a wave of desire ran through me. Staring down at her beautiful face and smoking hot body, I wanted nothing more than to tear off those shorts of hers and show her how much I loved her. But I knew I couldn’t do that. I’d made it clear that when that happened it would be London’s call. She had to give me the okay. And as much as I wanted to convince myself that the fact that she was sleeping in my arms looking sexy was an okay, I knew it wasn’t. Not really. Wiggling away, I readjusted my position.

“Coop?” London’s eyes fluttered open, her voice thick and groggy. “Yeah, baby.” I brushed her hair from her face. She rolled over wearing a lazy smile. “You’re still here.” “I couldn’t leave you.” “I’m glad.” Relief washed over me. My heart swelled knowing that no matter what transpired last night, she still wanted me. “Me too.” I stamped a kiss on her forehead. “God, you’re so beautiful in the morning.” “Ugh. No, I’m not.” She ran a hand over her face. “Yes, you are.” I stared into her bright blue eyes. “Trust me.” Her face sobered up, taking on a serious expression. She reached out and touched my face, her soft fingers grazing my flesh. “I do trust you, Coop.” I gathered her hand in mine, folding my fingers over hers. Her words meant everything to me, and I held them close. “I will never hurt you, London.” “I know. I’m so sorry about last night.” “Hey,” I stopped her. “It’s over. We’re fine.” She nodded, dragging her teeth through her bottom lip. Light filtered in through the small open space of the thick brown curtains, and it sliced across her face. “God, I still can’t believe you’re here. It feels like a dream,” I told her. “I know. I’ve missed you so much.” “Me too.” Curving my hand around her face, I leaned down to kiss her, but she put up her hand to block me. “Not yet. Gotta brush my teeth first.” I chuckled, grateful for the reason. She slid off the bed and scurried toward the bathroom. I watched her long slender legs and cute round ass. Damn, she was sexy. It took all my willpower to stay put when she vanished into the restroom. Threading my hands under my head, I lie back down and stared up at the ceiling. I listened to the sound of running water and the whir of London’s electric toothbrush. After a few minutes she emerged and made a

beeline for her suitcase. Bending down, she unzipped it and started sifting through her things. Rolling my head to the side, I had the perfect vantage point to stare at my girl. I took in the way she gracefully tucked her hair behind her ear, the way her long arms reached for her clothes. My gaze landed on her suitcase, and I pondered the fact that she’d brought so much stuff for only two days. As she picked up one of her shirts, a brown box came into view. Stiffening, I slowly sat up. “What’s that?” Her eyes widened. “Oh. Um…” I got down from the bed and moved toward her. “It’s….I brought it for you.” London picked it up and stood. Then she held it out to me. But I couldn’t bring myself to take it. I knew exactly what it was. Grandma had tried to give it to me before, but I refused to even look at it. Why did London have it? Why now? “Coop, you don’t have to look through it if you don’t want to.” London tucked the box up against her body. Even in this moment I longed to be that box. I found myself jealous of the way it was pressed against her chest. “I only brought it because I thought it might help you.” She bit her lip, staring deeply into my eyes. “I thought it might help us.” This perked my interest. “How would a box of stuff from my parents help us?” “You’ve been so distant lately,” London said, and her words hit their mark, tearing into my heart. “And I’ve tried everything I can to get you to open up to me. To get you to be the Cooper I fell in love with. But nothing has worked.” “Oh, baby.” I stepped forward. She was right, and I hated that I’d made her feel this way. “It’s not your fault,” she said abruptly. “I know this year has been tough for you. And I know that when you feel alone and abandoned you close up. You shut down.” Impressive how well she pegged me. Perhaps she should become a therapist instead of a writer. “I know because I do the same thing. But you have helped me with that. Last year when I was so sick you wouldn’t let me shut down, Coop. You taught me how important it was to let others in, and it changed me.” “I’m so sorry.” I ran a hand down London’s arm. “I never want to shut you out, baby.” “I know. But you’ve been scared, and you’ve felt alone. I get it.” She glanced down at the box in

her arms. “And I know that the television show brought up a lot of unwanted memories and emotions for you. Perhaps it’s time to face them. Maybe it’s time to let go.” I knew it was. I’d been feeling it for months. This black cloud hung over me. Emotion sat right in my throat at all times, an ocean wave ready to crest. But I’d held it back, shoved it down. However, that was only a temporary fix. The wave couldn’t be held back indefinitely. I could wait for it to crash into my life, obliterating it. Or I could take this gift London was offering me, and make the choice myself. “Remember when you shaved my head?” London asked. “You helped me take control that day, and I’ve never known how to thank you.” Reaching out, she thrust the box into my hands. “Now I do.” She was the best girlfriend in the world. And I wouldn’t let her down. I closed my hands around the box. Carrying it back to the bed, I perched on the edge. With shaky fingers, I lifted the lid. “I’m going to take a quick shower. Give you some time alone. But I’ll be right back if you need me.” London stood still, awaiting my response. “Okay.” I nodded, flashing her a small smile. After she left the room I glanced inside the box. Dipping my fingers inside, they brushed over my baby book. The cover had a small round frame displaying a picture of me as an infant. I hoisted it out and set the box on the bed. Then I peeled back the first page. Mom had written out all my stats – eight pounds, five ounces, twenty-one inches long. The glossy photo showed me all scrunched up and purple. I turned the page and sucked in a breath. This was a picture I’d never seen before. It was of my mom holding me in her arms, and it must have been taken moments after my birth. I still had that weird purple, scrunched-up look. But Mom was gazing at me as if I was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. Her skin was tight and smooth, her eyes bright. For just giving birth, she looked stunning. My heart leapt into my throat, and I swallowed down the sob that threatened to pour out. Blinking, I turned to the next page. Only this wasn’t any better. Now I’d come across a picture of my dad holding me. If I had any hope of holding back my emotions, it was a losing battle now. Moisture filled my eyes as I took in the way my dad looked at me so tenderly – with so much love. Taking a deep breath, I closed the book and discarded it next to my thigh. I needed a break from pictures. Reaching back into the box, I was shocked to find a video camera inside. It was an older one,

before digital cameras had come into the market. I yanked it out and studied it. A screen was folded against the side that you could flip open. When I did, I pressed the play button. The screen roared to life, a toddler version of me filling the screen. I was wearing an A’s shirt and green shorts, an A’s hat on my head. In my hand I held a wiffle ball. “Come on, son. Throw it to daddy,” My dad’s voice came from somewhere off the screen. But the sound of it caused my chest to tighten. With a smile, I lobbed the ball in his direction. The camera swung to follow it, making me feel dizzy. Dad came into view, and I involuntarily reached out and touched his face with my fingertip. I traced his face that bore so much resemblance to mine. “Great throw, son.” Dad caught the ball and threw it back. I watched as we tossed the ball for a few minutes. Then the camera spun around and Mom’s face filled the frame. “Hey! It’s me. The one behind the camera.” She waved. “Cooper, one day you’ll watch this video and I just want you to know how much your daddy and I love you. You’re the greatest little boy in the world. And I just know you’re going to do amazing things with your life.” A broad smile swept her face, but it was hard to make out through the tears filling my eyes. Pressing her hand to her lips she kissed her palm and flung her hand forward, blowing it into the camera. A memory surfaced of Mom blowing me kisses the first day I went to kindergarten. Now that I thought about it, she used to blow me kisses a lot. I had forgotten that until right now. The screen went dark, and I released the breath I’d been holding. After setting down the camera, I reached back into the box. Snatching up a picture of my parents, I traced their faces with my fingertips. A gentle sob drifted from the back of my throat, fresh tears surfacing. “I miss you,” I whispered. “You were the best parents in the whole world, and losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever went through. It left a hole in my heart I’ve never fully been able to close. Maybe I never will. But I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to remember you with happiness and gratitude.” I paused, sucking in a breath. “Good-bye, Mom and Dad. I love you.” Blowing out a breath, I dropped the picture back into the box. When I was a kid, I never went to my parents’ grave site. My grandparents

went, but I never accompanied them. I used to say it was because they weren’t really there. But the real reason I never did was because I didn’t want to say goodbye. It was almost like I believed that if I avoided saying my goodbyes then they wouldn’t really be gone. Even at the memorial service, I refused to receive the closure it was supposed to provide. This was the first time I’d truly said the words. The bathroom door popped open and London stepped out. Her hair was wet, the scent of apple shampoo wafting through the air. She paused in the doorway, studying me. I opened my arms. “C’mere.” With large strides she glided across the room and stood in front of me. I snatched up both her hands and held them in mine. “Thank you,” I said. “This was exactly what I needed.” She raised her brows, her gaze falling to the video camera. “There was a video?” “Yeah. Of my dad and I playing baseball.” “They would be so proud of you, Coop.” “I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I’ve been a mess since I got here, and all I’ve done is screw everything up.” “That’s not true.” London knelt down to face me. “You’ve made some mistakes, but that’s part of life. You have plenty of opportunity to fix it.” “I’ve been so scared, London,” I said, sharing what I’d been too ashamed to say to anyone else. “I’ve been scared of not being good enough to make my dad proud. I’ve been scared of losing everything…including you. And it’s made me lose my mind.” “You’re not losing me, Coop. You never were.” She smiled. “And trust me, you’ve already made your dad proud by just being you. You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met. You’re strong and loyal and loving and kind. Yeah, you’re good at baseball, but that doesn’t define you. Your character defines you. And you have one hell of a character.” She winked. “London, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” “I think it goes both ways,” she said. “Coop, we both have a lot of baggage. I mean, I lost my shit last night when Ace approached me because I had a flashback of my mom’s dead body. Talk about crazy.

It’s like I can never get over that fear.” “It’s understandable. No child should go through what you did.” “We’ve both been through a lot.” “It’s a good thing we have each other,” I pointed out. “Together we’re stronger, baby.” She nodded. “Yeah, we are.” “I love you so much.” Dropping her hands, I cupped her face with my palms and drew her face forward. Then I covered her mouth with mine, sealing my words with a kiss. I knew what I had to do, but I’d been avoiding it all weekend. London and I hardly left her hotel room. I didn’t want to leave her side, not for one minute. The two days went by too fast as it was, but when she left I felt lighter than I had before. Soon she’d be with me for good. I only had to get through the rest of the school year. Then we’d have all summer together, and when I returned here in the fall I’d be bringing her with me. It seemed too good to be true. But now that she was gone, it was time to face what I’d done. It was time to talk to Ace. When I arrived at his dorm, I wondered if this was a huge mistake. I’d found out his room number from Parker. He offered to come with me, but I told him this was something I had to do on my own. London reminded me of something over the weekend. She reminded me that I was strong and capable, nothing like the wuss I’d been behaving like since I’d arrived here. The Cooper in high school would never let some douchebag push him around all year. And I was done with that starting today. When Ace answered, I almost lost my nerve, but forced myself to stand tall. No way was I going to cower any longer. “What do you want?” Ace bellowed, but I noticed it lacked its usual luster. The bruise on his jaw was pretty dark, all purple with pink spots. I got him good. “I wanted to talk to you about Friday night.” “Oh, yeah?” He crossed his arms over his chest. “What do you want? A rematch?’ I shook my head. “I want to make a truce.”

“A truce, huh? And why should I do that for you?” “Because I know you don’t want Coach to find out about our fight any more than I do.” I saw the flicker in his eyes and knew he’d agree. Parker finally told me Ace’s big secret. Apparently he’d gotten into a fight with one of the new pitchers last year. Ace beat him up pretty bad, and the guy ended up transferring out. Coach had threatened to kick Ace off the team, but ultimately let him stay. No one really knew why, although there was a lot of speculation. At the end of the day, most of the team just figured it was because Ace was a better player than the other guy and Coach needed him. I’d seen Ace play. He wasn’t bad, so I could see why everyone thought that. However, Coach put him on a pretty short leash. If he found out Ace had fought again, Parker was sure he’d get kicked off the team this time. “Fine. I’ll keep my mouth shut if you do,” Ace said, and I marveled at the fact that this was the first civil conversation we’d had. “Deal.” I stuck out my hand. Ace shook his head, but didn’t shake my hand. “We don’t need to shake on it. I gave my word. That’s all you need, Mini.” I cringed. “And can we lose the nickname?” “Not a chance. I’ll agree to keep the fight on the DL, but that’s it. I’m not doing you any more favors.” He smirked. “See ya round, Mini-Coop.” And with that he slammed the door in my face. Well, that went better than I thought it would.

CHAPTER 27

London Cooper looked so hot standing on the mound in his Fallbrook Falcons uniform. It was the first game I’d attended, and the excitement that filled the air was contagious. Cooper’s grandparents sat on one side of me, my dad on the other. All of us sat forward watching with rapt attention. Ever since his first game of the season Cooper had progressively gotten better. Even though I hadn’t made a game, I watched the scores online religiously. Besides, Cooper and I spoke after every game and he recapped everything for me. It was clear that the weekend I surprised him had changed things. Cooper had been different. More open, more confident, more like himself. I felt like things had come full circle for us. The batter swaggered to home plate, and Cooper got in position. I loved the expression Cooper got right before a pitch. The intensity in his eyes made me feel like I was burning from the inside out. It was similar to the way he looked at me right before a kiss. Only this was more dangerous, more fierce. Honestly, it was freaking hot. When he released the pitch it shot to the batter. He swung, missing it. The crowd around me erupted in cheers. But no one cheered louder than me. Two more pitches and that batter was out. I pumped my fist and hollered along with everyone else. Cooper’s gaze flickered to me momentarily, and I saw the hint of a smile on his face. It was weird to be so connected to someone that you detected even the slightest shift in their expression. I never thought I’d have this with someone, and often it felt surreal. It was the ninth inning and Cooper only had to strike out one more batter. I held my breath as the batter approached the plate. Even though Cooper was on fire today and I had no doubt he’d strike this guy out, adrenaline surged through me. I heard the guys in the dugout shouting out encouraging words to Cooper, but I noticed his eyes were on the catcher. He and Parker shared a connection he didn’t have with any of the other guys on the

team. I was grateful that he had found a friend like that. Being away from Nate and the guys he’d played ball with for years was difficult for him, so I knew it was crucial for him to make a solid friend here. It reminded me of how hard it was going to be when I had to leave Skyler and come here. Skyler was staying in Folsom and attending junior college. School was never her thing, and besides that, her parents couldn’t afford to send her away. But I wasn’t sure how well I’d fare without her. Making friends wasn’t really my thing. And even though Cooper would be here, I couldn’t hang out with only him all the time. He would have baseball and guy time. I would need to make some girlfriends, and just the idea of that caused panic to choke me. The batter hit the first pitch Cooper threw him, but the first baseman caught it. I leapt up and clapped my hands. Cooper’s face broke out into a smile. They won the game. I watched as Cooper and Parker commiserated before heading off to talk with the team. While waiting for Cooper, the four of us gushed about Cooper and how he’d played. By the time he came out to us, the bleachers had pretty much cleared out. Cooper’s grandpa got to him first, and I gave them a few minutes to chat. Then he gave his grandma a hug and greeted my dad. I waited patiently for him to get to me. When he did, he swept me into his arms, picking me up off the ground. I squealed as my feet hovered over the grass. His lips clamped over mine firmly, but it was a quick kiss since our families were watching. Still, it made my cheeks warm. “You were incredible,” I said, when he lowered me back down. “That was because I had my good luck charm right here.” Biting my lip, I smiled. “You and me, we make a great team, baby.” He stole a kiss on my cheek. “It’s like I always said – together we win.”

EPILOGUE

London The stadium was packed, all the seats crammed with people. Laughter and chatter filled the space, excitement radiating. The scent of hot dogs and beer wafted through the air. It was a warm day, the sun’s rays hot as they beat down on us, spraying the stands with bright yellow light. The grass on the field was so green it appeared fake, the sand golden, the bases gleaming white. Taking it all in, we headed down the stairs, searching for our seats. We zipped past a man carrying a bag of peanuts and a kid with one of those foam fingers. I bit back a laugh remembering when Cooper and I were in high school and I joked with him about wearing a foam finger. I may not have had one of those, but I was wearing my A’s cap today. My long hair was pulled back in a ponytail under my cap, and it swung down my back as I walked. Our seats were right behind home plate. Stepping over the feet of those at the end of the row, I carefully made my way to my seat. Then I plopped into it, adjusting Nolan in my lap. He blinked, his eyes wide as he stared out at the field. His chubby cheeks were smooth and pale, and I couldn’t help it. I had to kiss them. His skin was soft against my lips. He had my same blue eyes, but everything else about him resembled his dad. I was sure as he got older he’d become a miniature version of Cooper. “Okay, my turn.” Cooper’s grandma held out her arms from where she and Cooper’s grandpa sat to my right. “Nolan, you want to come see your great grandma?” He smiled a toothless grin in response, and I handed him over. She bounced him in her lap, as I stared out over the field. While Nolan was being spoiled by his grandparents I sat back in my seat and pulled out my cell phone. Keeping my hand over my phone to shield it from the sun, I opened my emails. My heart flipped in my chest when I saw one from my literary agent. With shaking fingers, I pressed on it. After skimming it, a smile spread across my face. Everything was on track for the release of my debut novel next month. I thought about the proof copy sitting on my coffee table at home. I could picture the glossy cover, the interior pages with my name on the top of every other one. It all seemed so surreal. I was sure it wouldn’t feel like reality until I saw my book sitting on the shelf at the bookstore. Even then I

wasn’t sure I’d believe it. Being a published author had been my dream since I was a little girl, and it seemed unfathomable that it was actually happening. A ping sounded, alerting me to a text message. It was from Dad. I clicked on it, and a picture of he and Lisa popped up on my screen. Dad: Wish we could be there for Cooper’s big day. But we’re watching it on my laptop from Paris. I grinned, shooting off a response. Me: I’ll let him know. Dad and Lisa had married a few years ago, and after Dad retired he and Lisa spent most of their time traveling. It was something he and Mom had dreamt of doing, and I was glad that even though Mom was gone he was able to fulfill his dream. The crowd erupted into cheers as the announcer began introducing the players for the Oakland A’s. I shoved my phone back into my pocket and sat forward in anticipation. When Cooper’s name was said over the loudspeaker, I leapt out of my seat and screamed. My pulse raced as he took the field in his crisp white uniform, the green hat perched on his head. “Look, Nolan. It’s Daddy.” Pride welled up in my throat, making it difficult to breathe. This was Cooper’s moment. The day he’d been working towards his entire life. And he deserved it more than anyone I’d ever met. Nolan cooed from his great-grandma’s arms. When my gaze flickered over to Cooper’s grandpa, I saw the moisture gathering in his eyes. Mine started to fill as well, and when our eyes met, he smiled. I knew the look of pride on his face mirrored my own. When I returned my gaze to the field, Cooper was on the mound. His head lifted, craning in my direction. Even from this distance I knew he was looking right at me. I blew him a kiss, and his lips curved upward. He mouthed ‘I love you’ and then turned his attention back to the team. It was a quick interaction. One most people probably didn’t even notice, but it meant the world to me. This may have been Cooper’s moment, but he was acknowledging that it was also mine. Together we’d worked to get here. I’d helped him every step of the way. Just like my book deal was just as much Cooper’s as it was mine. He’d supported me through all the hours in front of my computer. He’d read all the drafts and gave

me tips and advice. He’d held me when I cried over rejection letters, and cheered with me over my victories. Nolan clapped his little hands together as the game started. At six months old he was too young to know what was happening. He just liked to clap. Still, I liked to think it was his way of supporting his dad. Before my book deal or Cooper’s offer to play for the A’s, a different dream of ours was fulfilled. It wasn’t really a planned one, but it was a miracle just the same. After the cancer and all the treatments I’d had as a teenager, there was no guarantee that I would be able to conceive. And even if I did, I assumed it would take some work. But no. Nolan came at a time when I wasn’t even trying. A few months into our marriage we weren’t careful one night, and next thing I knew we were having a baby. Our little miracle baby. That’s what we called him. And he truly was. A perfectly healthy little boy. And he made our family complete. I sat down as the game started, but I couldn’t sit still. My legs bounced up and down, adrenaline pumping through my veins. I didn’t start to relax until Cooper struck out the first batter. Only then did my shoulders soften, my pulse start to regulate. I didn’t know why I was so nervous anyway. I knew Cooper had this. He was the best pitcher I knew. “That’s my boy!” Cooper’s grandpa hollered. Happiness filled me as I watched the man I loved more than life itself living his dream. Playing for the team he’d loved since he was a child. Cooper continued to strike out the batters, his pitches consistent, his focus never wavering. Nolan played musical laps with the three of us, and a few times I had to walk him around the stands to keep him entertained. I had to steal away a couple of times to feed him too. Still, I thought he did well for his first baseball game. And I didn’t miss much. Any time I had to leave, Cooper’s grandpa gave me the play-by-play when I returned. Seriously, he should have taken up a career as a sports announcer. When the game was over, we headed over to congratulate Cooper on the win. “There’s my girl.” He swept me up into his arms and kissed me hard on the lips. His mouth tasted like sweat and mint.

“You played amazing. I’m so proud of you,” I said. When he smiled, my heart skipped a beat. It was amazing that after all this time he still had this effect on me. Standing before me in his uniform he looked just as sexy as the first time I’d laid eyes on him. In fact, he looked even sexier. And I marveled once again at the fact that he was all mine. “Thanks.” His eyes rested on his son who was contentedly sleeping in his grandma’s arms. “Looks like I put my boy to sleep.” I chuckled. “It’s been a long day for him.” Staring at his son, Cooper sighed. “It means the world to me that he’s here though.” I squeezed him tight, knowing full well why that was so important to him. As if on cue, his grandpa stepped forward. I drew back to give them a minute, and offered to relieve Grandma. She wouldn’t take me up on it though. I swear she’d hold Nolan all day every day if she could. Not that I was complaining. It was nice to give my arms a rest. “I’m so proud of you, son.” “I couldn’t have done this without you, Grandpa.” Cooper’s eyes filled with moisture. “You know how much I’ve wanted to make my dad proud by making it to the major leagues.” His grandpa nodded. “But it’s funny, because today when I looked up in the stands all I could think about was how much it meant to me that you were here. I don’t mean to take away the love I have for my parents, but you and Grandma raised me. You’re the only dad I’ve ever really known.” “Oh, Cooper. Since the day you came to live with us you’ve been our son.” Stepping forward, he enveloped Cooper in a hug. Fighting back tears, I glanced away. “But I know your mom and dad are looking down from heaven, and they’re just as proud as your grandma and I are.” When they separated, both of them wiped their faces. Cooper moved toward me, slinging an arm around my shoulder. “I’m guessing Grandma hasn’t let go of that boy all day,” he joked. “Hey, he likes his great-grandma,” she teased. “Oh, I’m sure he does.” Cooper looked from his son to his grandpa and then back to me. “This is the best day of my life. And not just because of the game. All of it. Having all of you here. It’s like a

dream.” “But it’s not. It’s reality.” Cooper stared into my eyes, as if letting the statement sink in. “I love you, London.” He leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. “Always.” The word ‘always’ had taken on different meanings throughout my life. When I was sick I wasn’t sure if ‘always’ meant one more week, one more day, one more hour. But then the days turned to months, and the months turned to years. And I lived. And I flourished. Cooper had given me a miracle, and now my future spread before me vast like the ocean. The possibilities were endless. Cooper had given me a life I never even dreamed of, and loved me more intensely than I ever imagined someone could. I still had no idea what tomorrow would bring, but I knew that Cooper would be by my side… always.

FOR THE RUSH Amber Garza

CHAPTER 1

Holden I wasn’t a huge fan of the hot tub until she stepped into it. Attempting to be discreet, I slid down until the foamy warm water hit my chin, and continued to stare at her. I’d never been into super thin girls. I liked curves, and this girl definitely had them. The black bikini she wore showed them off perfectly. I felt a twinge of disappointment when she sank into the water, obscuring her body with the bubbles. Resting her head against the side, she blew out a breath through her heart-shaped lips. Her black hair was pulled back in a messy bun, but a few strands had escaped and coiled around her face, sticking to her pale skin. When her gaze flickered over to me, I caught a glimpse of her large brown eyes. Dang, she was hot. Her eyes shifted away from me, and I mentally chastised myself for openly staring. But what did she expect coming in here like that? Scooting down farther, I angled my body so my shoulder was up against the jet. It hurt, but I gritted through the pain. I’d been working out at this gym for years, but I’d only been in the spa a couple of times. The gym was a place I pushed myself, a place I sweated and grunted, endured pain. Not a place I sat around and pampered myself like a chick. But I’d hurt my shoulder the last time I lifted weights, and my mom had suggested I remedy it in the hot tub. At first I’d scoffed at the idea, but when it didn’t get better, I decided it was a worth a shot. I knew I had to be prepared for the football game this weekend. That’s how I found myself in the spa tonight. And this little angel was exactly what the doctor ordered. I doubted this was what Mom had in mind, but now I could think of nothing else. The girl had her face upturned, her eyes closed. Steam rose around her, moistening her skin. God, what I wouldn’t do to reach out and touch it. As if she could feel me staring, her eyelids flipped open and she looked directly at me. “Do I have a booger hanging out of my nose or something?” She wiped a wet hand under her nostril. “No,” I answered.

“Then why do you keep staring?” Her forward question took me aback. I racked my brain for some witty response, but then I shrugged. What the hell? “Cause you’re hot.” “Oh yeah?” One side of her mouth curved upward in an amused expression. I wondered what was so amusing about what I’d said. Then I realized she probably got hit on all the time in the spa, so I tempered it a bit. “You come here a lot?” I asked. “Pretty much every night.” “Really?” This surprised me. “Yeah. I’m training to become a prune.” She smiled, lifting her hand out of the water. After inspecting it a moment, she lowered it back down. “Not quite there yet.” I studied my own hands, noting how wrinkly they were becoming. “I know it’s a lofty goal, but I figure with enough practice and dedication I can get there. Maybe I will even become one permanently. Get my name in the Guinness Book of World Records or something.” I liked this girl. Chuckling, I sat up, exposing my chest. The water was becoming a little hot, and the cool air felt good on my flesh. White puffs of steam rose from my body. “So this is what you do at the gym? You don’t work out?” “How would that help me reach my goal? I’ve got to stay focused here.” She wore an expression of mock determination. “What about you? I’ve never seen you in the spa before, so I’m guessing your goals are different than mine.” “A little. However, now that we’ve met, I’m thinking I may want to join you in your quest.” “Hmmm.” She gave me the once over. “I’m not sure you’re up to the challenge.” “Why’s that?” I raised an eyebrow. “For one, I can tell you’re ready to get out. You’re practically squirming in this hot water.” She grinned. “It’s clear that you’re burning up.” “Maybe that has more to do with the company than the temperature of the water,” I tossed out, wanting to see how she would react to my flirting.

“Well, that could be it,” she joked back. This chick didn’t miss a beat. “I’m Holden.” I stuck out my hand. “Chloe,” She reached up, water dripping from her arm. Her nails had been painted red, but they were chipping. For some reason I found this endearing. Her skin was pale, almost translucent under the yellow lights shining on the spa. When I took her hand in mine it was soft and warm. I wanted to hold it all night, but I knew that would be weird. So I released it and took a seat next to her. Under the blurry water, I could make out the swell of her thighs, a glimmer of her black bikini. It was freaking hot in here, and what I really wanted was to get the hell out. But I didn’t want to leave Chloe. She was intriguing. Definitely the most intriguing girl I’d met in a long time. She stood up suddenly, liquid cascading down her skin. I sucked in a breath, staring at her sexy body. “Well, good luck with your training. Maybe I’ll see you next time,” Chloe spoke in her lyrical voice as she climbed out of the spa. “Yeah, okay.” Her sudden departure caught me off guard. I wanted to ask for her number, her last name, anything that gave me a way to contact her again. But before I knew it, she’d wrapped a towel around her waist and scurried toward the girls’ locker room. By the time I called after her, she’d disappeared inside. Panic gripped me until I remembered what she said. She came here every night. I didn’t need her number. I knew exactly how to find her again. When I got home, Mom was lying on the couch watching one of those reality shows she liked so much. She wore sweat pants and a t-shirt. Her dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and her face was scrubbed clean. A half-drunk glass of red wine sat on the coffee table. Other than the sound of the television, the house was silent. My stomach knotted. Clearly James was working late tonight. When Mom first started dating James, I’d been happy. After years of dating losers, James seemed like an upstanding guy – an accountant with a decent job, clean cut, attentive, and kind toward Mom. I was even okay with

them getting married. However, I did make it clear to James that I wasn’t looking for another dad. I had one of those, no matter how uninvolved he was. But lately James had been working late frequently and I was experiencing a sense of déjà vu. It’s reminiscent of the months leading up to my dad leaving. His late nights turned into weekends away, and the next thing we know he’s moving to another state and bringing his new girlfriend with him. Now my dad’s a sports announcer for the Akron Avengers. When I visited him I got to attend the games for free, so that was cool. Too bad I didn’t get to visit him that often and he pretty much never came here. Perhaps one day I’d play for the NFL and get to see him more often. Shrugging away the thoughts, I stepped into the family room. My hair was damp, and the scent of chlorine wafted from my skin. Mom hadn’t noticed me because she was so engrossed in her show. I glanced up in time to see some botoxed, plastic-looking woman fighting with another equally fake-looking woman. Was this seriously the kind of thing my mom was into? By the enthralled expression on her face, I was judging yes. “Hey, mom.” She flinched, clutching her chest. “Oh, you startled me.” “Yeah, you seemed pretty into your show.” I raised an eyebrow. She smiled. “Always makes me feel better to watch people with even more problems than I have.” Her words concerned me. “Everything okay?” “Oh, yeah. Fine.” She waved away my words, and reached for her glass of wine. “You know what I mean.” I nodded, but I didn’t. Rarely did I understand my mom. She glanced down at my damp swim trunks. “So, it looks like you took my advice.” After taking a sip of her wine, a satisfied grin swept her face. “And you say I never listen to you,” I joked. “Did it help?” I knew she was referring to my shoulder, but all I could think about was Chloe. “Yeah. It did.” I smiled.

“Good.” She set her wine glass down. “Then you’ll be all ready for the game on Friday.” I bit my lip, hoping she was right. The door swung open behind me. “James.” Mom’s eyes lit up. “You’re home.” She stood, moving around me. By the time she reached him, he’d set his briefcase down by the door and he swept her up into an embrace. After planting a kiss on her lips, his gaze found mine. I narrowed my eyes, throwing him a stern look. I hope it conveyed what I meant it to. He better have been working late, because if he’s screwing around on my mom, he’s going to have to answer to me.

CHAPTER 2

Chloe It was him. Holden. The guy from the spa. He sat a few tables over in the cafeteria surrounded by a rowdy group of guys. Even though I’d only met him once I’d recognize him anywhere. His tousled dark hair and rich brown eyes had made an impression on me. Not to mention that our meeting in the spa left hardly anything to the imagination. If his rock hard abs and well-defined arms were an indicator, then he spent a lot of time in the gym. Scouring his table, I didn’t recognize any of his friends. Of course that wasn’t exactly surprising. I’d been at this school a total of three weeks and I hadn’t met a ton of people. When he smiled at one of his friends, warmth spread through my belly. I remembered the seductive way he’d grinned at me in the spa. Shoving my sandwich away, I plucked up my water bottle and took a sip, hoping it would cool me off. Just thinking about Holden had caused heat to rise inside of me as if I was in the hot tub right now. Chatter swept around me as everyone at my crammed table talked over one another. I couldn’t catch an entire sentence, just a word here and there, fragmented phrases with no rhyme or reason. Biting my lip, my eyes locked on Holden again, and I contemplated heading over to him. I mean, what would be the harm? Wasn’t he the one who came on to me? He called me hot, right? And he’d made it clear he wanted to see me again. I was about to slide off the bench and walk over to him, but apprehension filled me. One conversation didn’t mean I knew the guy. He could be a total jerk. Maybe he hit on every girl he saw. That was the problem with being the new girl. It was easy for someone to deceive you. And trust me, it had happened to me plenty of times. So before I went rushing over to him, I needed a little more information. “Hey, Jazzy.” I nudged Jasmine in the ribs to catch her attention. She’d been facing the other direction, deep in conversation with Gianna. “Tell me what you know about Holden.” Jasmine whipped around to face me, her long dark hair swishing around her shoulders. “Holden Reece?” I shrugged. We hadn’t shared last names. Lifting my arm, I pointed in his direction. “The guy right

there?” Jasmine’s caramel colored eyes followed my gaze and she nodded, an incredulous look on her face. “Why do you want to know about Holden?” The odd way she was behaving made me wish I’d never asked, but there was no backing down now. “Um…just because we met last night at the gym and I was curious about him.” “No way.” Her mouth dropped open. “And you talked to him?” “Yeah, we talked for a little while.” An involuntary smile leapt to my lips. I wiped it away quickly, but Jasmine caught it. Her eyebrows shot up. Reaching behind her, she latched on to Gianna’s arm. “Chloe has a thing for Holden Reece.” Gianna’s neck snapped toward us, her high ponytail swinging with the movement. My stomach twisted. “I do not. I was just curious about him.” “They met at the gym the other night,” Jasmine shared with Gianna. “Really?” Gianna’s eyes widened. “Did you tell him who you were?” Irritated, I furrowed my brows. “And who am I?” I knew exactly what she was insinuating, but I wanted to make her say it out loud. Gianna glanced around our table wearing a look of discomfort. “It’s just that Holden Reece doesn’t mix with girls like us.” “Girls like us? And what kind of girl would that be?” I pinned my new friends with a challenging stare. I’d only known Gianna and Jasmine a few weeks, but already I felt pretty close to them. One of the perks of moving so much was that I’d learned at an early age how to make new friends fast. My dad was in construction management, and it seemed that every couple of years his company sent him to a new area to oversee the development of a subdivision. Luckily I could bring my tenor saxophone with me anywhere, and my musical talent gave me an in. The band gave me a place to belong. But on the flip side, it also set me apart. It labeled me. Jasmine sat forward, elbows on the slick cafeteria table. “What Gianna is trying to say is that Holden is the quarterback of the football team. He dates the cheerleaders and popular girls, not the band

geeks.” And there it was. The label I hated so much. I wanted to be mad at Jasmine for even saying it. Only she was in the band too, so I knew she wasn’t making fun of me. No doubt she’d been called a band geek for years just like I had. In fact, she and Gianna seemed to wear the label proudly, like a badge of honor. All of their friends were in the band, and they didn’t seem to mind at all. And the truth was that the band kids were fun. I should know. I was a senior and had been in band since sixth grade. But as much as I loved music and loved my friends, I hated being defined by it. I was more than just a girl in the band. There was so much more to me than that one thing. And for a few minutes in the spa the other night it seemed that Holden had seen that. He appeared to be truly interested in me. Would it really make a difference if he knew I was in marching band? Glancing back at his table, my chest tightened. This time I saw what I’d missed before. I saw Holden’s football jacket, the tanned, blond girls hovering around his table. It was clear that all the guys with him had the same build, the same athleticism, the same charm. They were all jocks. Not one band kid in sight. As sad as it was to admit, I knew my answer. Of course it would make a difference. This was high school. Labels and social statuses were everything here. The bell rang out, causing chaos to ensue around me. There was a flurry of motion as students stood, gathered belongings, threw away their trash from lunch, said good-bye to friends and headed for the doors. After Gianna and Jasmine got up, I spun around and slid off the bench. After tossing my empty lunch bag in the trash, I snatched my backpack off the ground and flung it over my shoulder. “All right. See you girls tonight.” Jasmine threw Gianna and I a wave before getting swallowed up by a sea of students. “I’m off to math.” Gianna curled up her nose in a look of disgust. “See ya at practice.” I nodded as she joined the crowd. Sighing, I geared up for the long afternoon of classes and homework, just to return for marching band practice tonight. Don’t get me wrong, I loved music. There was nothing more soothing to me than pulling out my shiny saxophone and getting lost in a song. But marching band wasn’t like that. We were still learning our show, so tonight would be three hours of marching and receiving our drill.

Guess it was time to join the herd of cows…uh, students…excuse me. But it felt like a herd of cows with how they all moved in the same direction, careful not to step on one another. For the millionth time I was grateful it was my senior year. I’d never felt cut out for high school. I didn’t like playing the game. The truth was that I was comfortable in my skin. I liked who I was and didn’t want to change. My parents had always said I was a free spirit. But high school threatened that. It tried to box me in. I wanted to spread my wings and fly free, but in school everyone was trying to pin my wings back and hold them there. Stepping into the crowd of students, I felt as if I was giving in. A part of me was tempted to run the other direction, to go out a window or something. Anything to feel like I was my own person. That I was making my own decisions. But I knew that would be irrational, so I took a deep breath and stepped in line with the other kids. My backpack jostled against my spine with each step. The overpowering scent of cologne slapped me in the face. I glanced around, wondering who had gotten into their dad’s medicine cabinet this morning. When my gaze rested on a boy with overly gelled hair, I knew I had my guy. The way he glanced at the girl to his right confirmed it. Clearly, he was working hard to impress her. Coughing, I turned away, praying I’d get out of here soon. If not, I was afraid I might choke to death on his cologne. “Watch where you’re going,” a loud voice boomed to my left. I flinched, my head swiveling. A large guy with dark hair and eyes loomed over a smaller guy. “S-s-sorry,” the smaller guy responded, pushing his glasses up his nose. I recognized him as one of the boys in the band. Preston, I think his name was. My heart pinched when I saw Holden walking next to the rude guy. So my earlier assessment of him had been correct. “What? I can’t understand you past all the st-st-stuttering,” Rude Guy said. I rolled my eyes, disgusted. The guy was like something out of a bad teen sitcom. Preston attempted to move away from him, but not before Rude Guy shoved him from behind. Preston tumbled to the ground, his backpack slipping off and his glasses dropping from his face. No one tried to intervene to help Preston. Holden and Rude Guy walked away as if nothing had happened.

Students stepped over Preston as if he didn’t even exist. As if he was as insignificant as a twig or leaf. I elbowed my way through the other students until I reached Preston. Reaching down, I picked up his backpack while he re-positioned his glasses on his face. “You okay?” I asked. His head snapped up, a surprised expression painting his face. “Um…yeah. Fine.” “That guy was a douchebag. Don’t worry about him.” A small smile flickered on Preston’s face. “Yeah,” he breathed out. After he stood up, I thrust my arm out, holding out his backpack. “Here you go.” “Thanks.” He appeared stunned, as if no one had ever been nice to him before. “No problem. Preston, right?” His eyes widened. “How’d you know?” “We’re in band together. I’m the new girl.” I stuck out my hand. “Chloe.” His hand was cold and clammy when he folded it around mine. “That explains why you’re being so nice,” he said. “Cause you’re new.” “Nope,” I corrected him. “I’m being so nice because that’s how I am.”

CHAPTER 3

Holden People were going to get the wrong impression about me. They were going to start thinking I was a pansy if I kept hanging out every night in the spa. It was one thing when I was in here next to a hot chick, but now I was hanging out with a bunch of dudes sitting in hot water and bubbles. And by the look on the young guy’s face in the corner, he might have just peed. I needed to give it up already. This was my fourth night in here and Chloe hadn’t shown up once. Clearly she didn’t hang out in the spa every night like she’d led me to believe. But why lie? It didn’t make sense. Perhaps I’d hallucinated her. Like the bubbles and hot water had gotten to my head or something. Shit. I needed to get out of here. With these crazy thoughts I was beginning to question my sanity. Pampering myself like a girl was making me think like one. I wasn’t the type of guy who sat in spas waiting on some chick. What the hell was wrong with me? A splash to my left caught my attention. When I saw a flash of black material and pale skin, my pulse quickened. But it wasn’t Chloe. It was an older lady who happened to be wearing a black bathing suit. And really she should have worn something less revealing. Shuddering, I stood up. That was it. I was done. No more hot tub for me. Water dripped from my body as I climbed the spa steps, my hand gliding along the metal railing. Cool air circled me, causing goosebumps to rise on my wet flesh. The cement was like ice when my bare feet stepped onto it. I scurried to where my towel hung over a nearby chair. Yanking it up, I hurriedly wrapped it around my body and raced toward the locker room. The minute I walked inside where it was warm, my feet thawed. The locker room was filled with men in various stages of undress. Averting my gaze, I sidled past a naked older man to reach my locker. After inputting my combination, I opened it and reached inside for my bag. Liquid pooled around my feet, and I felt like an idiot. “Hey, man, what’s going on?” Ryan’s voice sounded from over my shoulder. I whirled around. “Hey, Ry.”

Ryan eyed my towel. “I was wondering why you weren’t out on the workout floor. Somethin’ you wanna tell me?” Shaking my head, I rolled my shoulders. “Just working out the kinks in my shoulder.” A look of skepticism came over his face, then was quickly replaced with understanding. “Is this about Spa Chick?” Why did I tell Ryan anything? “Dude, were you guys making some bubbles of your own?” He chuckled. “Getting your own jets going? Generating some heat?” “Ha ha. You should become a comedian.” I turned away from him, snatching my bag out of the locker. “Nah, man, I’m happy for you. Maybe now you’ll stop throwing like shit.” I dropped my bag on a nearby bench. It landed with a loud thud. “Oh, so you mean I’ll stop throwing like you?” Ryan just shook his head as if what I’d said was preposterous. Even though we both knew I threw better than him. “Tell me about the chick. She must be pretty special if you’re skipping out on your workouts for her.” “Nothin’ to tell.” I fished inside my bag for a shirt. Once I’d located it, I yanked it over my head. “C’mon, you can talk to me, man.” Irritated, I shoved my arms through the sleeves. “I haven’t seen her since that first night, okay?” His brown eyes widened, and he hit me in the gut. “Look at you, Rico Suave over here waiting around for some chick to show up. You’d never see me doing that shit.” It was true. He never would. Ryan didn’t do commitment. He hooked up with new girls all the time. I’d seen my mom get screwed over too many times by the assholes she dated before she met my stepdad. There was no way I’d treat a girl like that. Therefore, I’d only had two girlfriends in my life. Stacy Bentley freshman year, and Bethany Tucker last year. But having a girlfriend complicated things. It cramped my style. They were so needy; taking up all my time. I liked guy time and playing football. That’s why my strange obsession with Chloe was even more surprising. My plan had been to stay away from

girls this year. To graduate and get into Oceanside University where I could play ball. Ryan was right. I was no Rico Suave. So why was I acting like one? Loud laughter reached my ears. The air in the room shifted. Before even looking up, I knew who had entered the locker room. One glance confirmed it. “Look who it is,” Kade boomed from over Ryan’s shoulder. He was flanked by Chris and Trent. “Gold Rush’s biggest losers.” Ryan’s face hardened. Crossing his arms over his chest, he pivoted in their direction. “Losers, huh? I seem to remember us kicking your asses last year.” “Yeah, well don’t get too cocky. There’s no way you’re winning this year.” Kade glanced over at me, his gaze landing on my swim trunks. “What’s up, Drop ‘em?” Chris and Trent guffawed. What a bunch of idiots. He’d changed my name from Holden to Drop ‘em last year and thought it was the funniest shit ever. It didn’t even make sense. “You decide to quit football and take up swimming?” Yeah, it was time to give up on the hot tub. “It would sure make things easier on your team if that were the case,” I retorted. “Play or don’t play. Makes no difference to us. We have a secret weapon this year.” Kade bumped fists with Chris and Trent. “Don’t we, boys?” “We sure do,” Chris offered, while Trent just chuckled. What did they mean by that? Kade was the quarterback of our rival team. We beat them last year, but barely. The year before that they beat us. It was my senior year, and I didn’t want to end on a bad note. I couldn’t let them beat us this year. Before I could press them further, they slinked out of the locker room. I suppose it was for the better. Clearly they weren’t going to divulge anything, they were just trying to get under our skin. Too bad it worked. “What an ass.” Ryan blew out a breath. “Yeah,” I agreed. “But what do you think their secret weapon is?” “Nothing. I think he was yankin’ our chain. Dude, you need to change out of those swim trunks and start acting like a man again.” Point taken. I nodded in agreement. It was time to get my mind off of Chloe and back on what was

important.

CHAPTER 4

Chloe The uniform was the worst part of marching band. Standing in front of the full length mirror in the band room, I took in my reflection. I wore a black uniform with an orange sash, and my hands were encased in black gloves. A black hat with an orange plume attached was perched on my head, making me look like a bird. It was super attractive, let me tell you. I considered myself a pretty stylish person. Clothes and fashion were something I enjoyed. I liked shopping and coordinating outfits. Since I was a little girl, picking out my clothes in the morning was a monumental event which included me pulling out most of my closet and mixing and matching until I had it just right. Sometimes my mom would get so frustrated she’d put on the timer and make me pick something to wear before it went off. But looking nice had always been important to me. Glancing back at my reflection, I frowned. Guess I’d have to give up on that notion tonight. Gianna and Jasmine came up behind me filling the rest of the mirror, and they looked identical to me. At least I wasn’t alone in my misfortunate outfit. In fact, when I took the field at halftime I’d be surrounded by hundreds of other students all wearing the exact same uniform. I adjusted the hat on my head, blowing out a breath. I’d worn dark makeup tonight – red lipstick, kohl-lined eyes. A small part of me had hoped it could redeem this. But who was I kidding? There was no way to make this better. It was what it was. Instruments sounded throughout the room as kids warmed up. Turning away from the mirror, I saw Preston approaching. He shot me a shy wave. “Hey, Chloe.” “What’s up, Pres?” I said, and his cheeks flushed. When he passed me, Gianna’s eyebrows shot up. “What was that?” I shrugged. “What do you mean?” “Since when are you buddy-buddy with Preston Johnson?” Jasmine asked. “I’m not. I just met him today,” I said, unsure of why it was such a big deal. First I wasn’t

supposed to like Holden, and now I couldn’t talk to Preston? These two had too many rules. I was going to have to carry around a handbook or something. “Pres?” Gianna cocked her head to the side. “Oh, come on. You know me. I’m all about the nicknames,” I responded, and both girls smiled. “True. You are the only person who calls me Jazzy.” “And me Gigi.” Gianna giggled. The first time I’d called her that she said it made her sound like a fifties movie star. But even then I could tell she liked it. “Trust me, you need to stay away from Preston.” Jasmine leaned in close. I caught a whiff of her apple shampoo and fruit-scented lotion. “He’s a total nutjob.” My stomach tightened. When my gaze located him across the room, he was pulling his trumpet out of the case. He seemed harmless. “What makes you say that?” “I heard he talks to himself,” Jasmine offered. “Yeah, and kids from his elementary school said he used to wet his pants in class, and not just in kindergarten. No, they said it happened all the way into third grade,” Gianna added. I grimaced. “Seriously, you guys, this is nothing but rumors. You two should know better than anyone how mean kids are. You can’t believe everything you hear.” “I know, but I still don’t trust him,” Jasmine said, finality in her tone. “He creeps me out.” “Yeah. I had him in art last year and he always drew disgusting, bloody pictures. He’s twisted. I’m sure of it,” Gianna shuddered, glancing over her shoulder. It was clear I wasn’t going to change their minds. Their opinion of Preston was rock solid. I caught a few students chuckling and pointing in Preston’s direction. He sat in the corner by himself, yanking the hat down further on his head. It made me feel even worse for him. It was one thing to be picked on by the jocks and popular kids, but to be picked on by one of your own? That was brutal. Mr. Grant interrupted my thoughts by rounding us up. It looked like it was ‘go time.’ Nerves attacked my insides. It was our first halftime show, and I didn’t feel like we were ready. But we had a competition this weekend, and Mr. Grant wanted us to perform it at least once before then. I had no desire

to make a fool of myself in front of the football team and their parents, but I didn’t really have a choice. “All right. Let’s do this.” I grinned at my friends. Then I followed the rest of the band out to the field, gripping tightly to my saxophone. My fingers were slick with sweat, my knuckles white. The lights from the football field beckoned us as we stomped over the asphalt, our feet thundering like an encroaching army. We passed the parking lot and it was almost completely full. My stomach tightened. I leaned toward Jasmine. “Hey, Jazzy, a lot of people go to the football games here, huh?” “Of course they do. Our football team is like the best.” She winked. “That boy you met at the gym is a local celebrity.” I nodded, a stone descending in my gut. Holden’s face filled my mind. Nothing about his demeanor the night we met screamed “football star.” He was cute and endearing, humble even. When we rounded the corner, the football field came into view. The artificial turf was bright and inviting, the lights illuminating it. People of all ages filled the bleachers, and the energy radiating from them was infectious. My heart picked up speed. Football games were nothing like this at my last school. Then again, I’m pretty sure we only won a handful of games. My gaze flickered to the scoreboard, and I saw that the Gold Rush High Tigers were creaming the other team. My breath hitched in my throat when I spotted Holden across the field. His back was to me, but I read the name on his orange jersey. Holden threw the ball, and a guy near the end zone caught it, side swiped a couple of players from the other team and made a touchdown. Cheering erupted, and Holden and his teammates gave each other a round of fist bumps and high fives. I couldn’t stop staring at him, and I couldn’t stop picturing what he looked like under all that football gear. I’d had a front row seat to him in nothing but swim trunks. It was a sight I wouldn’t soon forgot, I’ll tell you that. “Okay.” Jasmine tugged my arm. “We’re up.” As the players exited the field, Gianna moved away from Jasmine and me to join the other flutists. Jasmine stayed by my side, holding her saxophone in her hand. I glanced up into the bleachers trying to locate my parents. I knew they were somewhere in the crowd; however, it would be impossible to find them in all those people. It was worse than a “Where’s Waldo” book. At least he had on the red stripes

and big hat. I had no idea what my parents were wearing, and they both were dark haired, so that was no help either. But just knowing they were out there somewhere gave me a boost. They never missed any of my performances or competitions, the same way they never missed my older brother’s baseball games when he was in high school. Abandoning the idea of finding them, I faced forward. As we moved to the goal line to walk out onto the field, a fierce breeze picked up. A flash of orange blew past me. Shit. Was that my plume? I reached up. Sure enough, the feathers were not sticking out of my hat. My face flamed as I stepped away from Jasmine and scurried toward the plume that was floating in the breeze, fluttering through the air like a butterfly. It landed on the ground, only to skitter a little further. I ran, keeping my gaze trained on it. My body slammed into something hard and warm. Dazed, I stepped back. Oh, no. I’d lost track of it. “This yours?” A voice cut into my internal scolding. My head bobbed up, and I sucked in a breath. “Um…yeah, thanks.” With a shaky hand, I reached out to grab the orange feathers dangling from Holden’s thick fingers. “Chloe?” His eyes widened. I nodded. “And you’re Holden, right?” “Right,” he spoke slowly, methodically. Gone was the flirty, funny boy from the spa. Yeah, I should have known. His gaze slid over my shoulder. “You better get back out there. Wouldn’t want you to miss your…um…performance or whatever.” The lack of respect for the marching band was evident in his tone. “Yeah,” I mumbled, swinging around. Then I walked quickly back toward the goal line, my shoulders slumped, my heart in my throat.

CHAPTER 5

Holden When the orange feather flew by my head, I thought it was a bug or something. I flinched and swatted it away. But then I saw one of the marching band members racing after it. I knew I should have minded my own business, but the girl was so frantic and the marching band was going in the opposite direction. Some of the other guys on the team probably would’ve taken the opportunity to harass the girl. Their opinion of the marching band was pretty low. But I wasn’t like that. I mean, it’s not like I was going to hang out with anyone in the band, and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to join it, but I wasn’t an ass. I wasn’t like Ryan, who got off on bullying others. I didn’t get any enjoyment out of seeing people suffer. Maybe because I knew what kind of guy I would become if I did. A grown man who bullied women. Who treated them like dirt and pushed them around. Or worse yet, a man who picked on children. Yeah, I’d had my fair share of bumps and bruises inflicted on me from the revolving door of men in and out of my mom’s life. And I’d seen my mom get treated like shit more times than I could count. Ryan got roughed up by his dad, but it turned him hard. I suspected he’d end up being an abuser himself. The abuse I’d experienced had had the opposite effect on me. It had made me more empathetic, more protective. But mostly, more determined to be different than them. That’s why I bent down and scooped up the orange feathers. After the girl bumped into me, I held them out to her. They were soft in my palm. Her hat was so large it obscured her face, but then she stood up straight and looked right at me. When I recognized her I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Her fingers were cold when they snatched the feathers from my hand. “Chloe?” It was shocking to see her here, of all places. I hadn’t even realized she went to my school. The outfit she wore was definitely a different look than the skimpy bathing suit. Her face was just as beautiful as I remembered, though, with her large brown eyes and plump, heart-shaped lips. In fact, tonight her lips were even more tempting, coated in red lipstick. The attraction I felt for her shook me to the core.

“And you’re Holden, right?” “Right.” I glanced out at the rest of the marching band on the field. I knew the other football players probably noticed me standing out here talking to Chloe, and that made my stomach knot. Ryan would give me so much shit if he knew this was the girl I’d been practically stalking at the gym. Who knew she was in the marching band? When I met her she was outgoing and brash, not at all what I pictured a band girl to be like. Conflicted, my gaze rested on Chloe once again. I wanted to tell her how glad I was to see her. I wanted to tell her that I’d been looking for her every night since we’d met. But the words died on my lips. All I could see was that damn uniform, the large hat that was askew on her head, and the instrument she held in her hand. “You better get back out there. Wouldn’t want you to miss your…um… performance or whatever.” I mentally kicked myself for the lame statement, but seriously what did they call it? I’d never even watched the marching band before. I’d never given them much thought at all. I could see in her eyes that I’d said the wrong thing. Darkness flickered in them, and she dropped her head. “Yeah,” she muttered, before whirling around and hurrying off. I watched her retreating back for a moment before spinning around and making my way off the field. Instruments sounded behind me as I headed toward the locker room. The rest of the team was already there gathered around the coach. A few of them glanced over curiously at me when I entered. Ryan’s eyebrows shot up, confirming that he’d seen me talking to Chloe. I nodded my head in his direction, keeping my expression neutral. Our team was on fire tonight, so Coach’s peptalk was pretty upbeat. In the distance I could faintly hear the sounds of the band playing. Normally it was like white noise or the soundtrack to a movie. I knew it was back there, but I didn’t pay attention to it. But tonight I found my ears perking, found myself honing in on it. A part of me wanted to leave the locker room and watch the show. I was curious what it was like, curious what Chloe looked like when she played. But I knew I’d never watch it. The razzing would be endless. Besides, I needed to forget about Chloe. It was one thing when she was a girl at the gym. But now that I knew she went to my school and she was in the marching band, everything had changed. I knew it shouldn’t have, but it did. We were too different. We ran in opposite circles. It would never work. “Hey, I was starting to worry that maybe you were gonna join the halftime show.” Ryan jogged

beside me, helmet in hand, as we made our way back outside after Coach’s talk. “No way, man. I’ll leave that to the professionals,” I bantered back, gripping my helmet so tight it cut into the flesh on my fingers. Other players whisked past us, the scent of sweat filling my senses. “Professionals?” Ryan snorted. “Don’t you mean the nerds?” A snide comment stuck in my throat, but I forced a grin and changed the subject. “C’mon, man, let’s get out there and win this game!” “Hell yeah.” Ryan slapped me on the back as we stepped onto the field. The turf crunched beneath my cleats, the lights warm as they shone down on me. A symphony of voices spun around me, causing my pulse to quicken. There was nothing quite like the energy of a packed stadium during a game when we were winning. My gaze swept the place. I told myself I was only trying to gauge how many people were here, but I knew that was a lie. I was looking for one person in particular. I was searching for her. It was not surprising that we won the game. Honestly, we could’ve stopped before half-time. There was no way they were going to make a comeback. Of course, the Ravens weren’t much competition. We beat them every year, and I’d yet to see them get any better. Still, a win was a win, and I would celebrate it. Not quite the way Ryan was planning to celebrate though. The minute we got changed out of our uniforms Ryan was all over me like stink on crap. “There’s a huge party tonight out at the lake. You have to come.” I shook my head. “Nah.” “Come on, man. What else do you have going on?” He ran a hand through his sweaty hair. “Mom wants me home, okay?” Playing the mom card always worked. The truth was that my mom had always been on the strict side. All the guys knew it. But she’d gotten a little more lax since marrying James. Still, I used her as an excuse whenever I could. “Fine.” Ryan blew out a resigned breath. “Your loss.” I was sure that wasn’t the case, but I nodded as if I was bummed. Going to a party at the lake was the last thing I wanted to do tonight. I was tired and my shoulder was throbbing. What I wanted to do was

go home and ice it. Getting drunk with a bunch of guys at the lake didn’t appeal to me at all right now. The last party I went to ended with me dragging Ryan’s drunk ass back to my house while he puked all over the inside of my car. I spent all day Saturday cleaning it. Just the memory turned my stomach. After saying goodbye to some of the guys, I headed out to the parking lot. The air had cooled down and a slight breeze blew over my damp skin, causing me to shiver. Goosebumps rose on my arms. It was dark with only the light from the streetlamps illuminating the ground around me. The parking lot had cleared out somewhat, but there were still a lot of cars left. Groups of people chatted near their vehicles and some couples made out. I glanced toward the band room and saw students wheeling equipment through the open doors. Three girls stepped outside, heads bent together, deep in conversation. I instantly recognized the middle girl as Chloe. Her hair was down now and bounced around her shoulders. Gone was the band uniform, and in its place she wore jeans and a tight t-shirt that showed off her curves. One of the girls said something and she threw her head back, a stream of laughter floating from her lips. It carried on the breeze, reaching my ears. I stopped walking, mesmerized by her. Even from this distance I could see her eyes sparkling under the bright lights spilling from the band room. Preston walked toward the girls, pushing his glasses up his nose with one hand while carrying an instrument case in the other. He stopped and said something to Chloe, and she shot him a genuine smile when she replied. I’d gone to school with Preston for years, and rarely did I see anyone treat him nicely. The kid had always been different. Ryan picked on him relentlessly. For the most part I’d ignored him, but that didn’t stop me from hearing all the rumors about him. Seeing Chloe treat him with respect and kindness endeared me to her further. The smile on Preston’s face when he walked away from her betrayed that she’d cast the same spell on him that she had on me. How had she done that? I wasn’t easily tempted by girls, let me tell you. What made her so different? Her head swiveled in my direction, her gaze locating me. I stiffened when our eyes locked from across the parking lot. The pull to her was so strong it was like a magnet, and it kept me rooted in place, unable to look away. It was like her gaze was a vortex and it was sucking me in. Seriously, what was with this chick? Headlights lit up the path in front of me, and a car honked. I flinched, cursing under my breath.

Then I severed the connection between Chloe and me and moved out of the way. Without looking behind me, I hurried toward my car. That girl was messing with my mind, and I wasn’t sure it was such a good thing. Yet I felt powerless against it.

CHAPTER 6

Chloe My parents were gym rats. Their idea of a fun activity pretty much always included a trip to the gym. It’s probably why my mom was so thin and my dad was so buff. I, on the other hand, hated to work out. It was my least favorite thing to do. I’d rather stay home and play my instrument. But I knew better than that. The Martins did things as a family. Whether it was going to the gym, going grocery shopping, or eating out. We went as a group. It used to drive my brother nuts. He could never understand why he couldn’t stay home and play video games while my parents went out. For years he fought them on it, but they were adamant. If Mom and Dad went somewhere, so did my brother and me. That’s why I didn’t bother fighting them on it. If Cole’s whining and arguing didn’t work, then mine wouldn’t either. Don’t get me wrong, my parents went on dates occasionally. They had a good marriage. But for everyday activities, we had to tag along. And now that Cole was away at college, I was the one left to hang out with Mom and Dad. I suppose they weren’t bad, as far as parents go, but at seventeen years old they weren’t my first choice to hang out with. But over the years I’d had friends whose parents neglected them, so I tried to see my parents’ involvement in my life as a blessing, not a curse. Besides, they’d always supported me in my music – paying for my lessons, activities and instruments. So I kind of felt like I owed them. And that’s why I ended up at the gym almost every night, and certainly every weekend. I wasn’t the health nut that my mom was, but I did take my health seriously, and I knew physical activity was important. That’s why I did make myself at least work out a little bit. I’d read a book on the stationary bike or listen to music while walking on the treadmill. But it was the spa that I looked forward to. Sitting in the hot water with my back pressed against the powerful jets was pretty much the most relaxing thing ever. However, I’d been avoiding the spa all week. Once I realized who Holden was, I had been skipping out on my usual gym routine. After only one conversation with him, it was clear to me that I

would fall for him easily. He was too charming to resist. But after what Jasmine and Gianna told me, I knew he’d never fall for me. Not once he knew about the band and everything. And that’s why I didn’t go in the spa. I worried I’d run into him again. But there were nights when I wondered if I was being unfair. I mean, I didn’t even know the guy. What if Jasmine and Gianna were wrong? However, now that I’d seen him at the football game, I knew they were right. The look on his face when he realized who I was told me all I needed to know. And the way he quickly dismissed me made it brutally obvious what he thought of me now. Still, I remembered the expression on his face when I spotted him in the parking lot. When our gazes met, I read longing in his eyes. It was reminiscent of how he was in the spa the night we met. But then he turned away and raced off into the night leaving me to wonder if I’d imagined the entire thing. But today was Saturday, and I was guessing Holden was out with friends or sleeping off a hangover. I’d overheard a group of football players talking about some big party last night. Even though Holden had left before them, I assumed he went to the party too. After all, he was the star quarterback. Surely he’d been invited. So today when my parents dragged me to the gym, I brought my swim bag. After a half-hearted walk on the treadmill, I scurried into the locker room and changed into my black bikini. After wrapping a towel around my waist and coiling my hair into a bun on top of my head, I walked outside. The mid-morning air was crisp, and smelled like fall. As I neared the spa, the scent of chlorine overpowered it, filling my nostrils. An elderly gentleman sat in the corner. He smiled kindly at me and then leaned his head back, closing his eyes. I flung my towel over a nearby chair and then stepped into the spa. The minute the hot water hit my skin I felt my body start to relax. After making my way down the steps, I sank onto the bench, the water reaching up to my chin. Steam rose around my face, dampening my flesh. I adjusted my position until I was directly in front of a jet. Then I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth and gentle massage. It was bright outside, the sun peeking from behind the clouds. A light breeze whisked over my face, but the sun warmed it up. I heard the rustle of the tree branches, a bird in the distance. A splashing noise cut into the tranquil sounds, but I assumed it was the elderly man so I didn’t open my eyes. Just nestled in deeper, savoring the moment. For the first time in days my mind was quiet, my body relaxed.

“So how is it coming? Have you reached your goal yet?” The familiar voice startled me, and my body tensed. My eyelids flipped open. Holden plopped down across from me, a smile on his face. His hair was damp and his cheeks were flushed as if he’d just worked out. Bubbles foamed against his chest and arm muscles. Remembering how he treated me last night, I bit my lip and shook my head. “Well, I’m sure you’ll get there soon.” His smile deepened, and damn if I didn’t find it sexy. Annoyance rose in me. He was probably used to winning people over with his good looks and charm. Other girls probably fell all over him despite how poorly he treated them. Too bad for him I wasn’t most girls. “Actually, I was just getting out.” I stood. The minute the cool air hit my skin I already wished I could sink back into the water. I had just started to relax and enjoy it when Holden showed up. Darn him. This was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid all week. Why had he shown up today of all days? I had been looking forward to my spa time all morning. But I wasn’t going to sit in here and allow Holden to flirt with me after completely blowing me off last night. Disappointment sank into my gut as I climbed the steps. “No.” The firmness in Holden’s tone stopped me. “You were in here first. I’ll go. You get back in.” When he stood up, water sluiced down his taut chest and defined abs. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t stop staring. He spread his arms out. “It’s clear you’re leaving on my account, and I don’t want it on my conscience when you fail your challenge.” His words made me feel like a bitch. Had I really made it that obvious that I was leaving because of him? God, how petty did that make me seem? He stepped past me, his swim trunks skimming my thighs. I shivered. The water beckoned me. The last thing I wanted to do was leave, so I might as well get back in. But the truth was that deep down I didn’t want Holden to leave either. Seriously, what was wrong with me? “I wasn’t leaving because of you,” I lied. Holden’s head craned in my direction. “You weren’t?” I shook my head, my gaze flickering to the clock on the wall near the spa. “I thought it was later

than it was, but I think I can stay a few more minutes.” With a slight bob of his head, Holden turned around making his way back down the steps. His lips curved upward at the edges. As he neared me, my heart picked up speed. “I guess I can too.” His gaze collided with mine, and I held my breath. My legs shook when he reached me. He was so close our chests almost touched. With a grin, he moved around me, his arm brushing mine. Then he sat on the same bench I’d been sitting on. He scooted over to allow enough room for me. As I took the empty space beside him, I mentally chastised myself. This was a mistake. That was obvious. And yet it was a mistake I wanted to make. Honestly, even if it ended badly I wasn’t even sure I’d regret it. Holden was the kind of guy that music lyrics were written about. He was the kind of guy a girl threw caution to the wind for. A guy so charming his presence eclipsed everything else. As if proving my point, the elderly gentleman climbed out of the spa. I blinked, realizing I hadn’t even known he was still in here. Once Holden stepped into the spa, I’d lost all awareness of my surroundings. “Let me see.” I almost jumped out of my skin when Holden’s fingers circled my wrist. The skinon-skin contact stunned me. With tenderness he picked my arm up and studied my hands. “Nope. Your goal has not been reached. It’s a good thing you got back in.” His eyes found mine. I smiled, willing my heart to slow. It was beating so erratically I feared I would go into cardiac arrest. Wouldn’t that be a crazy headline? Teenage girl dies of heart attack at the gym, but she wasn’t even working out. “Yeah, it’s a good thing.” Dropping my arm, he turned his body angling it toward me. “You lied to me, you know.” My insides coiled into knots. Was he going to bring up the marching band? “You said you came in here every night, but that wasn’t true. I was here four nights in a row and you never showed.” His eyebrows raised in a question. My stomach uncoiled a little. “So you were serious about joining me in my quest, huh?” I squirmed under his intense gaze. “I was serious about wanting to see you again.” “It didn’t seem like that last night.” The words tumbled from my mouth before I could stop them. For a moment I wished I could shove them back in, but then I realized it was probably for the best. It

needed to be addressed. His eyes flashed. “I was just surprised. I didn’t know you went to my school.” “And you didn’t know I was in marching band,” I prompted him. He shifted in his seat. “Yeah…that too.” “Is that a problem?” “Why would it be a problem?” His brows knit together in a look of confusion. I shrugged. “Well, you’re a football player and I’m in marching band.” Why was he making me spell it out? I felt like an idiot. “Right,” he said flippantly. “Why’s that a problem? What other people do on their free time doesn’t affect me.” I swallowed hard. Other people. Of course. Why was I making this into a big deal? It wasn’t like we were dating, and clearly that wasn’t Holden’s intention. I was just a girl he flirted with in the spa. Surely he flirted with girls everywhere he went. I had kind of hoped it was more than that. I wanted to think we had a connection, but that was probably more on my part than his. Guys weren’t like that. They weren’t all sappy and romantic like girls were. I’d learned that the hard way with my ex-boyfriend, Ethan. Every little thing he did for me I turned into some sweeping, romantic gesture. I thought he really loved me. Like we had something special. Something ripped out of the pages of a romance novel. But it only took him two weeks after I moved to meet someone else and dump me. That had always been my issue. I liked the idea of being in love, and I guess I believed that other people did too. But most guys weren’t interested in falling in love. They liked the chase, they liked the game and of course, they liked sex. Not necessarily in that order. Seeing my parents’ relationship had given me this false sense that every relationship was romantic and true. But what I’d learned was that guys in high school were nothing like my dad. They were giant pervs, plain and simple. When I glanced over at Holden, my heart flipped in my chest. So if that were true, then why was I allowing this boy to get under my skin like this?

CHAPTER 7

Holden My words had clearly upset her, but I didn’t know why. When I first got in the spa, her demeanor was icy, frigid, like a freaking snowstorm. But then she started to thaw. She even let me touch her arm. And damn, it felt good. Her skin was as soft as I’d imagined it, her flesh like silk beneath my calloused fingertips. But then she called me on my behavior last night. I’d been hoping she’d let it go, but I should have known better. In the short time that I’d known Chloe it was clear that she held nothing back. I thought that convincing her I didn’t care what other people did in their free time would appease her. That she’d realize I wasn’t like Ryan or the other guys. That I didn’t judge people. But instead she seemed perturbed - angry even - the coldness returning with a vengeance. And it made my insides twist. I liked talking with Chloe. I liked her easy smile and smooth banter, and I was worried she’d close up on me again. So I did the only thing I could think of. I asked her about the one thing I knew would get her talking. And in the process I hoped she’d see that I wasn’t bothered by her participation in the band. In fact, I was interested in it. “What instrument do you play?” Her eyes narrowed in skepticism. “I don’t know a lot about music, but I did play the clarinet for a year in elementary school. I royally sucked. So bad that my mom begged me to stop. She couldn’t take me practicing in the house anymore.” Chloe’s lips tugged upward a little bit, so I kept talking. “Still, I think it was better than my singing, if you can believe it. Freshman year I thought I might want to become a rockstar, so I sang with my friend’s band a couple of times, until he told me I should stick with football.” “Well, I’m sorry to hear about your failed musical attempts.” A genuine smile unfolded on Chloe’s face. “If it makes you feel any better, when I was younger I tried out for every sports team imaginable, and I sucked at all of them. Coordination is not my strong suit. But in my quest to find something I could get involved in, I realized I was actually pretty good at music. And oddly enough I started with the clarinet

too. But my seventh grade band teacher thought I’d do well with the tenor saxophone, so he switched me to that. I’ve been playing it ever since.” “And you like it?” “I love it.” Happiness danced in her eyes, and I was glad I had chosen this topic. Clearly music was something she enjoyed talking about. “There’s nothing quite like getting lost in a song.” “That’s how I feel about football.” Her gaze snapped to mine, and my breath caught in my throat. She stared into my eyes as if she was trying to figure me out, searching for some hidden clue, some answer that would confirm the truth about me. Like I was a mystery to solve, a puzzle to put together. It should have bothered me, but it didn’t. Unwavering, I held her gaze, hoping that in my eyes she’d read my sincerity. “You’ve been playing a long time?” She asked, staring down at the water. “Since I was a kid. My dad’s a big football fan, so he used to take me to games a lot.” I had no idea why I was sharing with her about my dad. Rarely did I talk about him, and never to strangers. But something about her made me comfortable, made me want to open up. “I bet he’s pretty proud of you. From what I hear, you’re like a big football superstar.” She didn’t say it in a teasing way. Instead she stated it like a fact, and I knew she wasn’t mocking me. She was reiterating what she’d heard. And I wasn’t surprised. Our football team was one of the best around. For years we had dominated, but since I’d started as quarterback we’d been unbeatable. Shrugging, I said, “Yeah, I am a big superstar, but I’m not sure that means much to my dad.” I was hoping that if I veiled the ugly truth in a joking manner it wouldn’t seem as bad. “Why not?” Chloe wiped her forehead with a wet hand and then stood, steam rising from her body. It was getting hot in here. I was dying from the intense heat, but I didn’t want to get out. I didn’t want to end our conversation. So I climbed up out of the spa and sat on the side, dangling my feet in the water. A jet brushed over my heel, water pelting it. Actually, it felt good. Chloe followed my lead, hoisting herself up and sitting beside me. Dipping her feet in the spa, she kicked her legs back and forth. I couldn’t help but ogle her exposed body. “My dad’s a football announcer for the Akron Avengers. His job has always come first.”

She nodded, and I could tell she was trying to gauge whether or not she should ask anything further on the subject. In the end she must have decided against it, because she changed the subject. “Is playing football what you want to do for a career?” “Yeah,” I said emphatically. “That would be a dream come true.” Nudging her in the side, I asked, “What about you? You plan to become a famous musician?” “That would be amazing.” Staring out at the water, a wistful grin passed over her face. “I definitely want to do something with music. If I don’t make it as a musician, I’ll probably become a music producer or teacher or something.” She turned her head. “What about you? Do you have a back-up plan?” “Same as you, I guess. If I can’t play, I’ll coach or teach. Anything to still be involved in the game.” She chuckled. “It’s weird, huh? Here we are both high school students. But in six years or so we could both be teaching high school. Wouldn’t that be wild?” “Nah, what would be wild is if we both became what we really wanted.” “That would be wild,” she agreed. “Maybe, but I like to think that’s exactly what will happen.” “You’re one of those guys, huh?” She raised an eyebrow. A gentle breeze kicked up, and she shivered, goosebumps rising on her bare flesh. I wanted to reach out, to put my arms around her and pull her close. But I knew that would be too forward. So instead, I scooted toward the chair where I’d left my towel. I snatched it up, then moved closer to her, draping it over her shoulders. When I did, my fingertips barely grazed her skin. Still it was enough to turn me on. And it was enough to wet my appetite, to make me want more. Her eyelashes fluttered when she whispered a ‘thank you,’ flashing me a look of gratitude. It was almost too much. Clearing my throat, I forced myself back to the conversation. “One of what guys?” “A dreamer.” “Not in the sense that I’m unrealistic or have my head in the clouds.” The last thing I wanted her to do was get the wrong impression of me. “But I work hard.” I paused, my eyes meeting hers. “And I always go after what I want.”

She swallowed hard, her neck swelling with the effort. Her hand fluttered up to her neck, touching the towel I’d given her. I liked seeing her in my towel. It felt right somehow. “You do, huh?” Her tone had taken on that playful quality that I liked so much from our first meeting. “Yep.” I hoped she’d caught my double meaning. “What about you? Do you go after what you want, Chloe?” “Yeah, I do,” she breathed. I smiled. It was good enough for me. Her words made me feel grateful that I had decided to come to the spa today. When I woke up this morning my shoulder was throbbing. Mom suggested I hit the spa after my workout today. It sounded appealing, and I told myself it was because of the pain. But deep down I knew it was because I thought Chloe might be here. Even though I knew I could see her at school now, there was something magical about running into her off campus, at a neutral location. A place where we could be ourselves, just Chloe and Holden. Not Chloe the marching band girl or Holden the quarterback. I glanced down at the hands she had folded in her lap. Feeling bold, I grabbed the one closest to me and turned it over. Her palms were wrinkly, and I ran the pad of my index finger over the ridges. “Looks like you made your goal today.” “Yeah, I guess I did,” she said in an amused tone. “I think that’s a sign.” I had already made my point. Already traced the lines on her palm, yet I couldn’t stop touching her. I longed to never take my hands away. It was weird, the way she made me feel. So unlike anything I’d experienced before. “You believe in signs?” “I do now.” I grinned at her. She bit her lip, and I marveled at the fact that she hadn’t pulled her hand away yet. I didn’t think she was the type of girl that let random guys touch her in the spa. “I’ve never believed in signs,” she said firmly. Then she glanced over at me, light flickering in her eyes. “But….maybe….I could be open to the idea.” My lips twitched at the corners. I had the sneaking suspicion we weren’t talking about our career aspirations or her goal to become a prune any longer. It seemed like maybe she was talking about me and

her. And I sure as hell hoped I was right.

CHAPTER 8

Chloe I got a text during dinner. Startled, I flinched when the phone went off in my pocket. I hadn’t gotten a lot of texts lately. My friends from my old school had already moved on. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. Every once in awhile Jasmine or Gianna texted, but not that often. And I wasn’t expecting a text from them tonight because I knew they were both busy. My parents didn’t like it when I checked my phone at the dinner table, but I couldn’t help it. Curiosity got the best of me, and I reached inside my pocket and yanked it out. The rough fabric chafed the skin on my knuckle. Holding the phone under the table, I glanced down at it. Holden: My hands aren’t wrinkly anymore. Looks like I need to go in the spa again. Want to train again tomorrow? I couldn’t help it. My lips curled upward, a tiny chuckle bubbling from my throat. My flippant joke had taken on a life of its own. “What’s going on under there?” Dad peeked under the table, eyebrows raised. “Nothing.” I turned my phone over, smothering it with my hand. “Doesn’t look like nothing.” Dad flashed me a knowing grin. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with the boy in the spa, would it?” My cheeks warmed. Apparently Mom had come looking for me at some point during our gym outing and had spied me in the spa talking to Holden. I had assured her that it was just a coincidence. That he was a guy from school and we happened to run into each other today. And even though it was the truth, it sort of felt like a lie. I wanted to shake my head, to deny it, but I had never lied to my parents, and I wasn’t starting now. It wasn’t because they would disapprove. They generally handled me having boyfriends okay. At least mom did. Dad was, well, a dad. I doubted there was any dad on earth who was perfectly fine with his little girl dating. He still called me his princess, and I swore he pictured me wearing overalls and pigtails. Mostly, I didn’t want to tell my parents about Holden because I didn’t know what to say. I liked

Holden and he appeared to like me. But I wasn’t sure it would lead anywhere. I know that I wanted it to lead to something, and that both terrified and excited me. Realizing that my parents were both staring at me anticipating my answer, I cleared my throat and sat up straighter. “Um…yeah…actually. He just texted.” Mom cocked her head to the side. “So you gave him your number? Your dad’s right, honey. That doesn’t sound like nothing.” “He’s just a friend. You’re always telling me to make new friends, right?” “Is that all he is?” Dad pelted me with a challenging look. I squirmed in my seat, but then I realized I could unequivocally answer, “Yes.” Because right now Holden was nothing more than a friend. Dad hadn’t asked what I wanted our relationship to be. He asked what we were. Dad searched my eyes, as if trying to gauge whether I was lying or not. “All right, then. Tell us about this friend of yours.” “He’s the quarterback of the football team,” I said, knowing this would impress Dad. “Really?” He sat forward in his chair, setting his fork down. See what I mean. “Ah, that Holden,” Mom interjected, most likely remembering him from the game they’d attended. “Did you meet him during marching band the night of the game?” I almost spit out the water I had just taken a sip of. “Sure, mom, I met him at the game. He saw me in my marching band uniform and was so impressed he came up to talk to me. I’m thinking it was probably the giant hat, or maybe he was attracted to the unisex pants.” The minute I caught a glimpse of Mom’s face I knew I went too far. “So you do like this boy.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. She was too intuitive. I shrugged, reaching for my fork. Then I drug it along my plate, pushing around the half eaten piece of chicken. “He’s nice.” “What did he text you about?” Dad asked, his head bobbing toward the phone still sitting on my thigh.

“He wanted to know if I could meet him at the gym tomorrow.” Dad glanced over at Mom warily, and I held my breath. If it was up to Dad it would be a resounding ‘no.’ He would keep me locked in a glass tower like Rapunzel if he could. “I don’t see why not. We’re planning to go anyway,” Mom said. Taking a bite of my chicken, I held back my smile, not wanting to seem too eager. Dad paused, studying me a minute. Then he gave me a small smile. “Okay. Fair enough. We were planning to go around eleven.” “Thanks.” My fingers itched to respond to Holden now, but I knew better. “I’ll text him after dinner.” Dad’s smile deepened, clearly appeased by my good manners. Both he and Mom resumed eating. I was so excited, I couldn’t force down another bite. And the knots and tangles in my stomach only intensified when I thought back to how tender Holden was when he touched my hand and when he wrapped the towel around my shoulders. It was such a contrast to how he’d appeared at school, and even at the football game. When I saw him with that rude guy who was picking on Preston, I had pegged him as a jerk. As a typical meathead jock. And when I saw him at the game, he still seemed to be playing that role. But this morning he was different. He was sweet. He was open. He was everything I’d been looking for in a guy. After dinner, I rinsed off my plate and hurriedly tossed it in the dishwasher. Then I raced upstairs to my room so I could text Holden back. I could feel Mom and Dad watching me curiously, but I ignored them. Sometimes I envied my brother for being away at college and out from under their thumb. Of course, other times I was terrified about leaving them and having to be out on my own. Go figure. After closing my bedroom door softly behind me, I sat down on my bed. Leaning my head against the black headboard, I stretched my legs out over my black and white polka dotted comforter. My saxophone case sat near the door, a folder of sheet music set on top. Not only was I in marching band, but I was in the jazz band as well. It was my zero period class. Today Mr. Grant had given me a solo to play in our upcoming jazz competition. My heart skipped a beat thinking about it. Being the new girl, I had worried that it would take awhile to prove myself. I wasn’t anticipating a solo right out of the gate, and I

didn’t want to let him down. So after texting Holden, I planned to spend the rest of the evening practicing. I know, I know, pretty riveting Saturday night plans, huh? What can I say? I was a party animal. Picking up my phone, I punched in my code and then went into my text messages. Me: I’d love to. Does 11 am work for you? Biting my lip, I awaited a response. It had been awhile since he’d texted, and I hoped he hadn’t already made other plans. I was pretty certain Holden got a lot of offers. In fact, he was probably out at a party or something tonight. I doubted he spent his Saturday nights at home with his parents the way I did. When my phone buzzed, I jumped, a small squeal escaping through my lips. Holden: Sounds good. I wasn’t sure how to respond. Did I send a smiley face? No, that would have been dumb. Me: Ok. C U then. I was assuming that was the end of our conversation. Honestly, I figured he’d need to return to whatever it was he was doing tonight. Therefore, I was surprised when the phone went off again. Holden: What R U doing? Glancing around my room, my gaze lit on my instrument, on my desk and computer, then back at my bed. I wondered how lame it would sound if I admitted I was sitting alone in my bedroom getting ready to practice my instrument. As quickly as the thought entered, I chastised myself. It was the truth, and I needed to own up to it. If Holden didn’t like me for who I was, then I didn’t want to see him anyway. I’d never made excuses for myself, and I wouldn’t start now. Me: Just hanging out at home. Holden: Me too. This surprised me. Holden: Mom wants to watch some chick flick. My stepdad doesn’t want to, so she roped me into it. This downright shocked me. Holden Reece, star quarterback of the best football team around, was hanging out at home watching a movie with his mom on Saturday night. Man, I felt like I’d seriously misjudged him. Remembering my conversation with Jasmine and Gianna, I realized that everyone had.

Me: How did she rope you into it? Blackmail? Threaten punishment? Holden: She asked. I sat still a moment, pondering this. It was only two words, and yet they held so much meaning. Me: That’s it? And you said yes? Holden: Yep. My mom once told me that you could tell a lot about a boy by how he treated his mother. When Ethan and I broke up, I remember wishing I’d listened. He was always bad-mouthing his mom, always acting out and talking back. At the time I’d told myself it was normal. Weren’t all teenagers rebellious? But even then I knew that wasn’t right. I didn’t act like that. And there was something refreshing about meeting a boy who wasn’t like Ethan at all. A boy who was more like me. And it made me wonder if Holden and I were more alike than either of us even realized. Holden was already in the spa when I arrived on Sunday, and apprehension tugged at me. I paused at the edge of the spa as if scared to step inside. It wasn’t like it was the first time we’d been in here together. But it was the first time it had been planned. Almost like it was a date. Seriously, a date with Holden Reece was not a bad thing. It was actually a good thing. A very good thing. But it also made my head spin with possibilities and questions. As if noticing my reluctance, Holden threw me an easy smile and gentle nod. Taking a deep breath, I willed my brain to slow down. Not an easy task for me. Overthinking was what I was good at. It also hindered me sometimes. However, I wouldn’t let it hinder me today. I pushed my lips into a grin. “Looks like you got a head start.” “Not much of one. Just got in a couple of minutes ago.” “Punctual. I like it.” Reaching for the railing, I held onto it as I stepped down the stairs. Usually I didn’t bother with the railing, but Holden’s proximity was making my legs a little unsteady. They shook slightly as I made my way into the spa. When I glanced down, I cringed as I noticed the fat on my legs jiggling with every motion. Maybe I should’ve been more like Mom and taken working out seriously. I’d

never been the thinnest girl in the world. Big boned. Not fat. That’s what my dad had always told me. And for the most part, I’d embraced that. I knew I wasn’t built petite and small boned like my mom. I took after my dad’s side of the family in my looks. And I was okay with that. I mean, curves weren’t a bad thing. Over the years my thin friends were usually pretty jealous of them, in fact. Especially when I was the first one of all my friends to wear a bra. I was definitely the only girl drawing open-mouthed stares from all the boys at our sixth grade pool party. But for some reason today I felt self-conscience of my body. Holden didn’t have an ounce of fat on him. He was all lean with large, defined muscles. And I’d seen enough of the Gold Rush cheerleaders to know that skinny was the name of the game on the squad. Even Jazzy and Gigi were rail thin. For the first time in forever I found myself wanting to hide my curves, to slip under the water where my body would be obscured. When I’d bought this black bikini, I knew a one-piece would probably be a better choice. I wasn’t exactly built for an itty-bitty bikini. But all the one-piece suits looked like they were made for Olympic swimmers or old ladies, and I couldn’t bring myself to buy one. You only live once, right? And this is the suit I liked, so I bought it. Now I was wondering if I’d made a mistake. In this suit I was on full display. It was unforgiving, exposing all my troubled spots. “You know that a lot of old people hang out in the spa, right?” Holden said, cutting into my thoughts. I sank further into the water, sitting across from him. When I glanced around, I raised my eyebrows. “There’s no one but us in here.” “I know, but usually this place is crawling with old guys.” I chuckled at his description. “Does that make you uncomfortable?” “No.” He shook his head, his eyes traveling down my body. “But it’s not me I’m worried about. I’m young. I have a strong heart.” Huh? Confused would be an understatement. “What are you talking about?” “I’m just worried you’re gonna give one those old guys a freakin’ heart attack coming in this spa looking like that.” “Is that your way of saying I look good?” I tossed it out like a nonchalant statement, but deep down

I knew that I needed to hear him say it. “Nah, you don’t look good.” His words were like a sucker punch. “You look hot.” Relief swept over me. “Hot” wasn’t usually a word guys used to describe me. Normally I was called “cute,” and sometimes “pretty.” I always assumed “hot” was reserved for the popular girls, the girls that were deemed untouchable, girls that guys put up on a pedestal. I was the approachable girl. The one who was easy to talk to, who was outgoing and fun. Often I’d been friend-zoned early in relationships. There were times I even wondered if people knew I wasn’t one of the guys. Thinking back on it, I didn’t think Ethan ever called me hot. I do remember overhearing him talk about Candace Miller to his friends and saying she was hot. Not that I was surprised. Everyone thought she was hot, including Candace herself. “Thanks,” I mumbled, my cheeks warming. “I should be the one thanking you.” Holden winked. He was smooth. Flirting clearly came easily to him. I shifted in my seat. If he kept talking like this, I’d end up losing my head. I didn’t want to be sucked in by one-liners. I wanted to get to know Holden. When he talked like this, it was easy to see him the way everyone else did. The smooth-talking football star. The charming guy who attracted all the girls. But in the few conversations we’d had, I’d seen another side of him. A side that interested me. “How was your movie last night?” The warm water lapped over my arm, foamed around my chest. It was grey outside, the sun cloaked by the clouds. But I was glad, because if it had been a nice day there would most likely be more people out here. Today there were only a few people swimming in the lap pool, and no one in the other pool. Daytime was never busy in the spa. Most people utilized it at night. Still, if it had been sunny there would be people out here catching some rays. He shrugged. “S’all right.” “Which one was it?” He hesitated, seeming a little embarrassed. “The Notebook.” I bit back a giggle. You couldn’t really get much sappier than that. I loved it, but it was hard to imagine Holden watching it.

“It’s my mom’s favorite.” He shook his head. “I wish I could say that it was my first time seeing it, but that would be lie.” “And you liked it enough to watch it again, huh?” I teased him while skimming my heel over a jet. It tickled my sensitive flesh, and I shivered. Holden chuckled. “Let’s just say I hope I don’t ever have to watch it again.” Obviously his connection with his mom was pretty strong. Strong enough that he’d endure a sappy chick flick for her. Multiple times. “Looks like your stepdad’s gonna have to step up next time, huh?” His smile faltered. I wished I could unsay it. “I think he’s seen it multiple times with her too. But last night he had some work to take care of. I’m sure if he’d been home he would’ve watched it with her though.” “You like him?” Holden’s behavior had shifted the minute his stepdad was mentioned, and it peeked my curiosity. “James is okay. They’ve only been married a year, so I guess I’m still getting used to having him around.” I nodded. His relationship with his mom was making more sense now. “I get it.” “What about you? What’s your family like?” His shoulders softened as if he was relieved to take the focus off of himself. Point taken. “Nothing really to tell. We’re a typical suburban family. Brother’s away at college. Dad works. Mom stays home.” I shrugged. “But it’s cool. Can’t complain.” With a predatory smile, Holden moved a little closer to me. My pulse quickened. “Enough talk about parents. What I’m really interested in hearing about is you.” My heart was beating so hard and so loud I could barely hear what he was saying. I was afraid that when I started talking I’d be yelling at the top of my lungs. “W-what about me?” Seriously, why was I stuttering? When he came to sit beside me, I sucked in a breath. I could smell the musky scent of his soap, the faint scent of minty shampoo. “Everything.” “That could take awhile,” I said.

“I’ve got time.” I bit my lip. Was he for real? “Well….I’m seventeen. I turn eighteen this summer. I play the saxophone, but you know that.” I paused, thinking. “No,” Holden stopped me. “I don’t want your stats. This isn’t a job interview. Tell me about you. What makes you tick?” “Tick?” “Yeah, because I have to be honest, I’m not a huge fan of the spa.” My head snapped toward him, my brows furrowing. That was out of left field. “What?” “I mean, I’m a huge fan of you in a bikini.” His gaze rested on my chest. “But seriously, it is so hot in here. How can you stand it?” As if to prove his point, he hopped out, blowing out a breath. Sitting on the edge, he left his legs inside. I giggled at him, but he did have a point. It did get warm fast in here. After all of his compliments regarding my looks, I wasn’t nearly as self-conscious now. So I hoisted myself out too and sat next to him. “But I like spending time with you,” Holden continued. “So I was hoping you could tell me some other stuff you like to do.” “Ah, I see,” I said. “Well, I like going to concerts. Live music is like the best.” “What kind of music?” “Indie mostly. I tend to gravitate toward underground bands. More edgy stuff.” “Really?” His eyes lit up, shocking me. Holden didn’t strike me as an edgy music listener. “Remember when I told you about my friend’s band?” “The one you attempted to sing for?” I asked with a smile. “Figures you’d remember that part.” He grinned back, bumping his shoulder into mine. Goosebumps rose on my arms. My body was starting to cool, and I was anxious to get back into the warm water. But I liked sitting this close to Holden, our arms almost touching. “He plays at this club in Downtown Sac all the time. They have a bunch of indie groups play there. We should go sometime.” My heart skipped a beat. He wasn’t kidding. He really did want to spend time with me outside of the gym. It almost seemed too good to be true. I thought about what Jazzy said about Holden only going for

the popular girls and cheerleaders. I guess it just goes to show that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, and you shouldn’t believe everything you hear. Sometimes people are more than they seem. Sometimes they even surprise you.

CHAPTER 9

Holden A horn blasted through the air signaling Ryan’s arrival. Snatching an apple off the counter, I headed out the front door, backpack slung over my shoulder. Mom and James were already at work, so I locked the door behind me before hurrying down the walkway toward Ryan’s car parked along the curb. I passed a cluster of thorny rose bushes, my feet thumping on the asphalt. Mom had always had a thing for roses. We never had any when we lived in our apartment. But when she and James got married and bought this house, she planted a bunch of them all along the walkway and the side of the house. It was one of the reasons I had accepted Mom’s relationship with James. I knew he could give her the life she deserved. Working as an administrative assistant, we’d barely scraped by for years. Sure, Dad paid child support, but it wasn’t a substantial amount. He’d hired a pretty shady attorney, and Mom was certain he’d fudged the numbers when it came to how much he made. Up until she married James I had often worried what would happen to Mom when I left home. It was one of the many reasons I wanted to go pro. I figured once I was a professional football player I could finally afford to help Mom out. Now it seemed like maybe I wouldn’t have to. Even though James got on my nerves sometimes, I did appreciate that he supported my mom. And I knew it was the way it should be. Women should be taken care of by their husbands, not their sons. When I reached Ryan’s car, I yanked the passenger door open and slid inside. Ryan and I carpooled most days. We had started the tradition back when Mom and I shared a car and I needed a ride to school. Now I had my own car, but for some reason we still rode together. The only difference was that some days I drove as well. “Get in, slowpoke,” Ry teased, revving up the engine like he was going to take off before I could close the door. Shaking my head, I slammed the door shut and he pulled away from the curb. “Since when are you in a hurry to get to school?” “Since I hooked up with Sarah Thomas this weekend.” I whistled. Sarah Thomas was one of those girls that all the boys at school secretly fantasized

about. She was pretty, but that wasn’t really what fueled the attraction. I think most guys wanted her because she was a challenge. Cold and standoffish, she gave the impression that no guy stood a chance. Rarely did she date and when she did it was usually an older college guy or a guy from another school. Ryan had been trying to get with her for years. It was like his own personal game. The truth was that I never thought he’d reach his goal. Clearly I’d underestimated him. “No shit,” I said. “Shit,” he responded. “How’d you manage that? Was she hammered or something?” It was a joke, but when he glared at me I realized that I was right. “Really, dude? You took advantage of her when she was drunk? Does that even count?” “Of course it counts, man.” He flicked on his blinker as he neared a corner. When we reached it, he careened around it so fast I had to hold tight to keep from falling over. “And we’re racing to school because why?” I knew he was excited about Sarah, but I still couldn’t figure out the connection between him hooking up with her while she was drunk and us getting into a car accident trying to get to school fast. “Because I told her to meet out front. I’m thinking we can walk into school together.” His lips turned upward into a devious grin. “Wait a minute. Do you really like Sarah? As in you want to be her boyfriend?” If so, I had seriously misjudged his obsession with Sarah. I thought it was simply a conquest thing, but perhaps it was more than that. “Hell nah, man. This was strictly for fun.” I cocked my head to the side. “Then why are you walking into school with her.” “So people will believe me about what happened.” “You told people?” He nodded, the devious grin back. “I posted a picture on Instagram.” “What?” I practically shouted. “Relax. Not of us naked or anything. Just a selfie from the party. But I was so drunk it was all

blurry, so it’s hard to tell that it’s her. I figure if we walk into school together it’ll make it legit.” My stomach twisted. This whole thing was sick. Was that all girls were to Ryan? Sometimes I wondered why we were even friends. We were nothing alike. Well, I guess that’s not true. We both loved football. And there was a time when we connected; when we were more alike. But that was before high school. That was before Ryan turned hard and jaded. By then our friendship had been established, and I understood why he behaved the way he did. I’d been to his house enough times to see how his dad treated the family. I’d even been the shoulder he cried on after a beating when he was younger. Now he’d never cry. He’d never admit he needed help or comfort. But I still worried about him. I knew that underneath all the hard edges and toughness was that little boy who just wanted his dad to love him. “What about you? You do anyone fun this weekend.” Ryan chuckled at his own little pun. I just rolled my eyes. This morning I had entertained the idea of telling Ryan about Chloe. About how I’d found Spa Chick, and that she went to our school. It’s not like I needed to tell him, because we shared everything. Mostly I wanted to tell him because I knew I’d run into Chloe at school, and I didn’t want to have to explain it to Ryan then. Not in front of her anyway. Ryan had no tact, and I was sure he’d say something inappropriate or rude. But now that Ryan had shared about Sarah, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything about Chloe. He wouldn’t understand anyway. He would probably make some stupid-ass joke about it or something, and I wasn’t in the mood for that. I was already disgusted with the way he was talking about Sarah. I wasn’t sure I could take him referring to Chloe the same way. I may have only hung out with her a couple of times, but my protective side was already on high alert when it came to her. By the time Ryan parked in the school lot, it was already packed. Students milled around talking and laughing. Loud music spilled out of the car speakers. It reminded me of the concert I planned to take Chloe to. I had looked up the list of bands playing at the club and planned to share it with her when I saw her next. I hoped she’d heard of one of them, because I had no idea who any of them were. It didn’t matter though. I couldn’t wait to take her. It would be fun to hang out with her somewhere other than the spa, to see her in new surroundings. Maybe she’d even let me dance with her. Just the thought of holding her close, of running my hands along her waist, of having her chest pressed to mine, made my heart pick up speed.

“Where is she?” Ryan’s gaze darted around. Sarah was nowhere to be seen. “When did you ask her to meet you?” “I texted her last night.” I nodded, scouring the area around us. “Hey Holden.” Trent, a wide receiver on our team, waved in my direction. “Hey, Ryan.” I said hi and waved. Ryan barely glanced in his direction. His jaw was tense and twitched slightly the way it did when he got angry. “Maybe she’s just late or something,” I said, even though I knew that wasn’t the case. The most likely scenario was that once Sarah sobered up she’d regretted sleeping with Ryan. But I didn’t want to stand around and watch this train wreck, or deal with Ryan when he got angry. So I stepped away from him. “Good luck, man. I’m gonna head to class.” “Fine. I’ll catch up with you later.” He waved me away with a flick of his wrist, while still searching the parking lot. “What are you looking at, loser?” He hollered toward a small kid wearing braces. I was sure the kid hadn’t even meant to look at Ryan. He was just walking into school. Not that that would matter to Ryan. Logic wasn’t his strong suit. “Get the hell outta here before I kick your ass.” My chest tightened. I watched the kid scurry off, and I blew out a breath. Smart move. If the kid had mouthed off to Ryan, I was pretty sure he would’ve regretted it. Ryan seemed like he was out for blood today. And when he realized that Sarah wasn’t going to show, he would lose it. That was something I didn’t plan to be here for. In all the years of friendship with Ryan, I’d learned when to walk away. “Oh look. It’s the band geeks,” Ryan shouted from over my shoulder. “Doo-doo-doo-doo.” What the hell was he doing? I spun around in time to see Ryan marching in place, holding an invisible instrument in his hand. “I’m a band geek. The only thing I’m good at is looking like a big, fat loser.” Looking past him, I saw who he was making fun of, and my stomach dropped. Chloe and her two friends walked past Ryan, all of them wearing expressions of disgust. “Yeah, you do look like a loser all right,” Chloe muttered under her breath. “Look, Holden,” Ryan hollered in my direction. “Marching band chick just insulted me.” He clutched his chest and chuckled like it was the funniest thing ever. “Oh, it hurts. It really hurts.” His laugh

heightened. Chloe followed Ryan’s gaze until our eyes met. Frowning, she shook her head. My insides knotted, and I wished I had gotten out of here sooner. Now Chloe would associate me with him. She’d think I was like that. Before I could say anything to defend myself and make this better, Chloe grabbed her friends’ arms and guided them away from Ryan and me. Holding my breath, I watched her, hoping she’d turn around. Hoping she’d give me something. Anything to show that she was upset with Ryan, not me. But she didn’t look back. Not once. “You’re really a dick sometimes, Ry,” I spat. “What the hell is your prob, dude?” Ryan looked thoroughly confused, and I knew that no matter what I said, he’d never understand. So I didn’t even bother. “Nothing,” I muttered under my breath before walking away from him.

CHAPTER 10

Chloe It was like he had a split personality. Like he was one person outside of school, and a completely different one in it. And I wondered which one was the real Holden. Was he the guy who spent Saturday nights watching movies with his mom, the guy who seemed interested in my music? Or was he the guy who stood by while his friend bullied me and my friends? Perhaps he was neither. Perhaps he was both. Either way, I knew I wasn’t okay with it. Bullying was never all right. And in my opinion, standing by and letting it happen was just as bad as participating in it yourself. Besides, who knew? Maybe Holden did participate. I mean, there was no way he was innocent if he chose to hang out with Rude Guy. I’d seen the two of them together multiple times. Clearly they were friends. I had known that even before I met him at the spa this weekend. And now I mentally chastised myself for my lack of self-control. I should have known better. I should have stayed far away from Holden. It was obvious that we were too different. He may have seemed like a nice guy, but clearly there was another side to him. A side I didn’t like at all. Other girls might be able to overlook something like this. They’d make excuses like, “He makes me happy.” Or “He treats me well, so isn’t that all that matters?” But I wasn’t like that. Integrity was important to me. Kindness was important to me. And if a guy didn’t have those things, he wasn’t going to have me. I avoided him the rest of the day at school. During lunch I could feel his eyes on me, watching from the table he shared with the jocks. At one point he got up from the table and appeared to be moving in my direction. Desperation surfaced. I knew that if he spoke to me, his charm would win out. One look into those dark eyes and I’d melt like a puddle at his feet. No doubt that’s what he was banking on. So, I mumbled an excuse to Jasmine, snatched my backpack off the ground and hurried out of the cafeteria. Out in the quad, clusters of students ate lunch while sitting on the concrete. I wove through them and headed toward the library. Maybe I could hide out in there until the end of lunch. It’s not like I could avoid Holden forever, but I definitely didn’t want to talk to him today. I needed some time. I rounded the corner, passing a row of lockers. To my right was the boys’ bathroom. The rancid

scent of sweat and urine smacked me in the face, and I wrinkled my nose. As I turned away, doing my best to ignore the smell, I heard gruff voices and scuffling from inside. Even though I couldn’t make out what was being said, their tone caused my stomach to curl. Clearly whatever was happening inside wasn’t good. Pausing, I glanced around. Not one campus monitor in sight. A few students chatted a little ways down the hallway, and a couple made out against a locker several feet away. But no one seemed to hear what I did. The need to help was overwhelming, but I knew I couldn’t enter the boys’ bathroom. Helplessness swept over me, and I hesitantly inched toward the door. Two boys stepped out. I recognized them instantly as two of the football players. One of them was that friend of Holden’s – the one that teased me this morning. I stiffened when he caught sight of me. His lips curled upward in a look of amusement. “The girls’ bathroom is over there.” He pointed. “Unless you’ve got a penis under there.” His gaze lowered down my body, causing me to feel exposed and kind of sick. “Are you one of those transwhatever people?” This guy was seriously an idiot. Shaking my head, I didn’t even bother with a response. Instead, I swung around and headed toward the girls’ restroom. I wasn’t planning on using it, I just wanted to get away from him. Chuckling followed me as I slid inside. It didn’t smell as bad in here as it did near the boys’ bathroom, but it didn’t smell good either. The real difference was that at least in here there was the faint scent of hair spray and perfume lingering. I listened to the sound of footsteps and male voices retreating down the hall. Once they were gone, I stepped outside. Just as I did, a boy walked out of the boys’ restroom. My breath caught in my throat when his head turned to mine. “Oh, my god. Preston, are you okay?” I hurried to him. His eyes were watering behind his glasses that were sitting funny on his face. That’s when I noticed one of the sides was bent a little, so it wasn’t sitting right on his ear. A bruise was starting to form on his cheek. A sick feeling dropped into my gut, remembering what I’d heard and who I’d seen moments earlier. Seriously, did Preston ever get a moment of peace? School must be a living nightmare for him. Bile rose in my throat, and I swallowed it down. “I’m fine.” With shaky fingers, Preston adjusted the glasses on his face. But it was no use. They

were messed up. “Did those guys do this to you? The ones that just came out of the bathroom?” I glanced down the hallway to the direction they had most likely gone. “Do you know their names? We should report this.” Preston snorted. “Of course I know their names. Ryan and his friends have been harassing me since elementary school. I’m his favorite pastime.” Disgust filled me. “That’s unacceptable. This needs to stop.” “Who’s going to stop it?” I was stunned at his behavior. Didn’t he want this to end? “You need to.” I reached for him, my fingers circling his wrist. “Let’s go to the office. We’ll talk to the principal.” “You don’t think I’ve tried that? The school knows what goes on, but they don’t care. I’m a nobody. Ryan’s a big football star. Trust me, no one’s ever going to help me.” I froze, trying to process his words. Releasing his arm, I stared into his eyes, reading the hopelessness inside. None of it made any sense. How could the staff allow a student to be bullied like this? They might be able to look away, but I couldn’t do that. “I’ll help you.” Preston’s eyes widened. “What?” I stood up straighter, and repeated, “I’ll help you.” In his eyes was a small flicker of hope, but it dwindled as quickly as it had appeared. “Yeah, that’ll go over well. As if I didn’t get picked on enough, now I’ll have a girl defending me.” He shook his head. “I appreciate the gesture, but no thanks.” “I’m not saying that I’ll beat them up for you. This isn’t kindergarten.” His eyebrows raised in a question. “Oh, I used to get in fights a lot in kindergarten.” I shook my head. “Don’t worry about. I’ve since been reformed.” He chuckled. “You’re funny.” “So I’ve been told,” I responded with a smile, glad I could make him laugh after the day he’s had. “If you’re not offering to beat them up for me, then how exactly were you planning to help?” Preston asked, and there was so much hope in his eyes that it made my stomach twist. Maybe I shouldn’t

have offered to help. What if I wasn’t successful? I shrugged. “I’ll come up with something.” His face fell. “Hey,” I said. “I’m not one to give up. When I say I’ll do something, I do it.” Preston nodded. “I can see that.” “You gonna be okay?” I studied the bruise on his cheek. It was swelling by the minute. “Yeah,” he said quietly. Before I could walk away, he touched my arm. “Thanks.” “Sure.” “I owe you an apology,” Preston said abruptly. His words surprised me. “For what?” “When I first met you, I assumed you were only being nice because you were new and didn’t know anything about me. I figured once you heard all the rumors and stuff you’d start treating me the way everyone else does. Clearly I’d misjudged you.” “Clearly you did,” I said with a smile. “But I get it. You’ve never had anyone stick up for you before. It makes sense that you wouldn’t trust anyone. But you can trust me.” “I can?” His eyes darkened. “And you won’t let me down?” I faltered, unsure if I should make such a lofty promise. It was obvious that Preston was hanging by a thread, and I didn’t want to be the reason it all unraveled. The bell rang out, and I was relieved that it had saved me from answering. However, one look at Preston told me that wasn’t the case. He hadn’t moved. Instead, his gaze was fixated on me, awaiting a response. “I’ll try not to,” I finally said. A smile swept his face, and I was glad that my answer had appeased him. The halls started to fill up, so I said goodbye to Preston and headed toward my next class. Elbows and backpacks bumped me as I made my way through the students all racing to their classes. Fingers closed around my wrist, and I almost cried out. “We need to talk,” Holden’s voice tickled my ear. His musky scent enveloped me. My heart flipped in my chest. I wanted to stay angry with him, and I hated how my body betrayed

me. When I glanced up at him, I sucked in a breath. His hair fell haphazardly over his forehead, and the messiness of it made him look sexy. As his gaze met mine, his rich, brown eyes swallowed me whole. I felt paralyzed, bound, unable to move away. Ryan and his friends have been harassing me since elementary school. My mind locked in on the image of Ryan teasing me this morning and then joking about it to Holden. The memory was a stark reminder of the fact that Holden was one of Ryan’s friends. Most likely one of the friends who had been harassing Preston. No matter how good looking and charming Holden was, there was no way I could go out with a guy who treated people like that. I glanced away from him so I could regain my bearings. Then I shook my arm out of his grasp. “I need to get to class,” I spoke through gritted teeth. “Chloe.” The tender way he said my name almost broke me. Almost, but not quite. I’d known guys like him. They could seem sweet when they wanted to, but it didn’t mean a thing. “Please, just talk to me.” “I have nothing to say.” I broke away from him. Without a backward glance, I practically ran in the opposite direction. I sighed with relief when I finally sat down at my desk in history class. Never before had I been so happy to be in this class. History had never been my favorite subject. I never cared much about what had happened years ago. I was interested in the now. I liked learning about current events, things that were happening today, not things that happened in the past. It’s not like I was too naïve to know why history was important. I knew we had to learn from past mistakes, but sometimes I wondered how effective we were in that. It seemed we were always repeating our mistakes anyway, no matter how many history lessons we participated in. But today I was happy to be in class, far away from Holden Reece. The effect he had on me was unnerving, but I knew that staying away from him was for the best. Now the trick would be actually doing that. The remainder of the day was uneventful, and before I knew it the final bell rang. I immediately headed to the band room to pick up my saxophone. Jasmine and Gianna were already inside when I got there. After opening my band locker, I yanked out my saxophone case and headed over to Jasmine, since I’d ridden into school with her. Shortly after meeting Jasmine, we’d realized that we lived only a couple

of blocks away from each other, so we’d been carpooling ever since. Gianna didn’t live as close, but sometimes she drove over to Jasmine’s so she could ride with us too. It wasn’t like we couldn’t all drive ourselves, but what fun would that be? I found that carpooling with Jazzy and Gigi made the drive to and from school much more enjoyable than being alone. After chatting with some of the other band members for a few minutes, we decided to take off. As we made our way outside, I spotted Preston retrieving his instrument. His cheek had worsened, the bruise much darker and more swollen now. I winced. The weight of what I’d promised him crushed me, and I buckled under it. My need to protect everyone was always getting me into trouble, but this time I couldn’t let it. I had no idea how, but I had to pull through for him. Before exiting the room, Preston glanced up at me. I flashed him a smile, and he tossed one back. I was glad that even though he’d had a terrible day, he could still muster up a genuine grin. That alone buoyed me a little. Maybe I would be able to help him. The bright sun blinded me, and I shielded my face with my hand as I walked with Jasmine and Gianna through the parking lot. Various genres of music played from the many cars pulling out of the lot. Chatter and laughter swelled around me. Vans and SVU’s pulled up along the curb, harried-looking moms sitting in the driver’s seat. “Did you see that Addison West dyed her hair purple?” Jasmine asked, her eyes alight as we made our way down a lane of parked cars, our feet thumping on the asphalt. “Yes, it looked terrible,” Gianna said. “I didn’t think it looked bad. It made her green eyes stand out.” Both Jasmine and Gianna’s eyes widened as if I’d said my favorite hobby was swimming with hungry sharks. “She used to be super cool, but she’s been a major downer lately,” Jasmine said. “I think she’s going through a lot though. Didn’t you hear about her brother?” Gianna asked. “No. What happened?” “He killed himself. I can’t believe you didn’t know that,” Gianna said, eyes wide. Jasmine’s mouth dropped open. “Oh, my god. That’s awful.” My stomach tightened. It was awful. What’s even worse was that everyone was probably talking shit about Addison’s hair and change in demeanor without trying to figure out why she was behaving that

way. I didn’t know Addison. She was in one of my classes, but we’d never spoken. She was really quiet. Now I understood why. “Anyway, what happened to Preston? He came into my math class with his face all bruised up. When the teacher asked him about it, he said he’d fallen down. But it’s totally obvious he’d been in a fight.” Jasmine shook her head like she thought whatever had happened to Preston was his fault. It annoyed me that she hadn’t even entertained the idea that his injuries might have been a result of bullying. And why hadn’t she assumed that? Everyone could see how badly he got picked on. “Well, I’m not surprised. He’s always had a bad temper,” Gianna added smugly. “Remember when he got suspended Freshman year for losing it during an assembly?” “Oh, right. I’d forgotten about that,” Jasmine said. “That was crazy.” “What happened?” I asked, my stomach tightening. “Chloe.” Holden jogged toward me, interrupting our conversation. Jasmine and Gianna’s mouths gaped open, wider than baseballs. “You ran away from me earlier, but I wasn’t done,” he said breathlessly. “I want to explain about this morning.” “But I’m not interested in hearing it.” I stepped around him. “C’mon, if you don’t talk to me here, I’ll just call you on the phone, or find you at the gym.” His words stopped me. Jasmine and Gianna’s heads snapped up, incredulousness written on their faces. I hadn’t told them about my weekend with Holden. Actually, after what happened this morning, I hadn’t planned to ever tell them. I didn’t see the point. Clearly now I’d have to though. “Fine.” Spinning around, I stepped away from my friends and crossed my arms over my chest. “Say what you need to.” It would be better than having to dodge his calls or hide from him at the gym. “Ryan’s a jerk, okay? He never should’ve treated you like that, but it’s just how he is.” Holden stepped closer to me, invading my personal space. It made me uncomfortable, and I stepped back, my butt hitting a nearby car. “But I’m not like him.” “So, he’s not a friend of yours?” I glared at him. A group of rowdy boys passed us, all shouting

and razzing each other. Holden’s shoulders dropped, an expression of defeat shrouding his face. It was all the answer I needed. “That’s what I thought.” I shook my head. “Just because he’s my friend doesn’t mean I’m like him,” Holden defended himself. “I don’t pick on anyone.” “But by choosing to hang out with someone who does, it’s like you’re saying it’s okay,” I pointed out. Holden’s mouth thinned out into a hard line. “It’s not that simple. Ryan and I have been friends since we were kids. You don’t know him. You don’t know what he’s been through. I do.” “I know he’s an ass. That’s enough for me,” I said. “It must be nice to see everything in black and white.” Holden surprised me by touching my arm. I flinched. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Preston standing at the edge of the parking lot, watching us. The look on his face caused a chill to skate up my back. Before I could analyze my reaction, Holden moved even closer to me. “But you can’t judge people that quickly. There’s always more under the surface. All I’m asking is for you to hold off judgment on me until you get all of your facts.” I swallowed hard, wanting nothing more than to say yes. With Holden’s hand on my skin and his eyes piercing mine, I lost all sense of right and wrong. All the doubts I’d had about Holden previously flew out the window. Maybe he was right. Perhaps I was too quick to judge him. And how was that any better than what people did to Preston? They judged him based on rumors and perception, without ever getting to know him. I needed to practice what I preached. And that’s how I found myself nodding and agreeing to give Holden a second chance.

CHAPTER 11

Holden My friendship with Ryan started with a fistfight. It was middle school and Ryan was the kid no one messed with. At lunch some of the kids played football out on the field. It was supposed to be for fun, but when Ryan played it became more serious. He was out for blood. It was like he took out all his aggression on the field. What started as a pickup game soon turned into an all-out brawl when Ryan was involved. The days when he didn’t play were the best. It was during those days that I realized how much I loved the game. How much I loved the feel of the football in my hand. Loved the rush of throwing it into the waiting arms of another player. Every day I ate my lunch quickly, anxious to play. But when I’d walk out onto the field and see Ryan there, my stomach twisted, apprehension filling me. Sometimes I’d just walk away and find something else to do. Other days I’d suck it up and play anyway. It was on one of those days that Ryan and I got into a fight. He was pushing me around, spouting off trash talk. And not friendly trash talk. No, there was nothing friendly about the things he was saying. It was mean-spirited, and I’d had enough. Even then I knew I had talent. It was clear that I could throw unlike any of the other guys. And I wasn’t going to let Ryan ruin football for me any longer. So I fought back. I came at him with words first, but when he didn’t back off, I used physical force. We ended up rolling around in the grass, throwing punches until a yard duty stopped us. We both ended up getting suspended, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen my mom so pissed at me. However, Ryan treated me different after that day. He treated me with respect, admiration even, and soon a friendship formed. As I got to know him, I realized why he acted the way he did. Being tough was all he’d ever known. Being raised by an abusive dad and older brothers who pushed him around, he had to be like that. It was the only way he could survive. When I signed up to play football recreationally in seventh grade, so did Ryan. I was good at throwing, but Ryan was fast. Like one of the fastest runners I’d ever seen, and he could catch almost anything thrown at him. Therefore, we fit together perfectly. Me as quarterback and him as a wide receiver. We made a great team. He was the guy I searched for on the field before making a throw, and

together we’d won many games. Ryan always had my back, and we’d been there for each other through a lot. I knew what Chloe saw when she looked at him. A meathead. A bully. A jerk. And those words did describe him. But there was more to him than that. He was loyal. A great athlete. A good friend. And even though I didn’t agree with everything he did, I wasn’t ready to turn my back on him. However, that didn’t mean I wanted to be judged by his actions. I needed for Chloe to see me as separate from Ryan. As my own person. I needed to prove to her that I was different. That I wasn’t a bully. I didn’t know why I cared so much what Chloe thought. Normally if a girl walked away from me, I’d let her go. But for some reason I couldn’t do that with her. When she stormed away from me earlier, it killed me. It was like someone took a knife to my gut. The reaction surprised me. I hardly knew the girl. We’d only had a few conversations. But those conversations were more meaningful than any I’d had in a long time. Chloe made me feel things. She stirred something inside of me. Something new and exciting. It made me anxious to see what would happen if things went deeper with us. When she told me she’d give me a second chance, something shifted in my chest. My lungs expanded, air flowing freely. I hadn’t even realized it had been so constricted before. I was grateful for the lifeline she had thrown me. All I needed was one more chance, and I would prove myself to her. I had no doubt about that. The sun was unrelenting as it beat down on me. Inside all of my football gear the heat was stifling, the stink of sweat overpowering the smell of fresh air and turf. I palmed the football, savoring the smooth leather feel. Then I drew it back and released it, watching it shoot into Ryan’s waiting hands. My shoulder had loosened up. Maybe the spa had done it good. “Nice throw, man,” Ryan shouted through his helmet. A smile tugged at the corner of my lips. Compliments weren’t something Ryan gave out freely, and usually they were veiled in an insult. But during today’s practice I’d been on fire. Even Ryan couldn’t deny it. I just needed to keep it up for the game Friday night.

A whistle blew out. Ryan palmed the ball and ran in my direction. Together we headed over to our water bottles. I snatched mine up and guzzled some cool liquid. It felt like a little piece of heaven as it coated my tongue and slid down my throat. “Here you go, Miss Priss,” Ryan teased as a red jersey smacked me in the face. It’s what I wore when we ran plays so the other players would know I was the quarterback and wouldn’t try to tackle me. “Wouldn’t want you to get hit.” “Me either, because if I did the team would be screwed,” I pointed out. Ryan’s face soured. “Nah. Then Coach would put Sam in. We’d be fine.” As hard as he tried, he couldn’t keep a straight face, and we both burst into laughter. It’s not that Sam was a bad quarterback. He just wasn’t as good as me. No one was going to chance hitting me during a practice. The team wanted a guarantee that we’d win. After running plays with the offensive line and then getting the entire team together for a little offense versus defense play, we headed back to the lockers to change. As much as I loved playing ball, I was more than happy to change out of my uniform. Clearly Mother Nature didn’t get the memo that it was fall. It was stinking hot today. So hot it felt like the middle of summer. As I jogged off the field, my mind traveled to Chloe. I wondered if she was at the spa tonight. She most likely was. There was no way I’d set foot in that hot tub, but a dip in the pool might be just what the doctor ordered. As sweat slid between my shoulder blades, I decided to swing by the gym on my way home. I didn’t have my swim trunks, but I could jump in the pool in my shorts. It would cool me off and give me a chance to talk to Chloe, effectively killing two birds with one stone. “So what’s the deal with you and marching band chick?” Ryan ran up beside me, breathing hard. Sweat clung to his skin, dampening his hair. “Nothing.” I bristled, not ready to fill Ryan in on Chloe and me. Besides, it’s not like there was anything to tell. Not yet anyway. “I saw you chatting her up after school. And it’s not the first time.” He eyed me funny. “You don’t have a thing for her, do you?” I swallowed thickly, the words I wanted to say stuck in my throat. There was nothing to be

ashamed of. Chloe was hot, and she was funny and nice. Spunky, too. Unlike any girl I’d met. But none of that would mean anything to Ryan. All he saw was a band geek. That shouldn’t matter. I should’ve looked him right in the eye and told him I liked her. That I was attracted to her. That she was the girl from the spa. But for some reason, I couldn’t. “Hey, man. Looking good out there.” Sawyer slapped me on the back as he jogged past. “We’re totally kicking ass on Friday night.” “Was there ever any doubt, Riddles?” Ryan challenged him, using the nickname he’d given him freshman year. Sawyer’s last name was Ridley, and he was one of those guys who joked about everything. Rarely was he serious. That’s why the nickname stuck. Ryan may have come up with it, but now everyone called him that. “Even if Holden here couldn’t make a throw we’d still bury them. I still got my skills and mad speed. I make his bad throws look like good ones.” Shaking my head, I chuckled. Sawyer did too. “You better be careful, Ry. I’m not sure that big-ass head of yours will fit through the locker room doors.” My laughter heightened as Sawyer took off. “What are you laughing at?” Ryan shoved me in the shoulder, but I knew he wasn’t mad. He could take a joke. Lord knows he dished them out enough. Besides, he and Sawyer were pretty tight. “You’re the one dating a band geek. Her big-ass hat can’t fit through the locker room doors.” That shut me up. “I’m not dating her, okay?” I spoke through gritted teeth. As we entered the locker room, the sound of male voices wove around me. “Relax, I know you’d never date her. I was just teasing you.” Ryan nudged me again before heading over to his locker. Nodding, I turned away from him. As I moved toward my locker, my insides twisted. The truth was that I did want to date Chloe. Why was that so hard to admit? Remembering my earlier conversation with her, I wondered if she was right about me. Perhaps I wasn’t any better than Ryan.

CHAPTER 12

Chloe It looked like their eyes would pop out of their heads. I imagined them getting so big they actually exploded into a million pieces, splattering us all with stickiness. The minute we got into the car they threw questions at me. “When did you give Holden your number?” “How often have you talked to him?” “Why were you being so rude?” “Why did he ask you to give him another chance?” Finally I interrupted them. “You’re gonna have to stop talking over one another if you want me to answer.” “Sorry.” Gianna pretended to be zipping her mouth shut and throwing away the key. With the precision in which she did it, I thought she would make a good mime. Jasmine snapped her mouth shut too as she stuck the keys in the ignition and turned on the car. I settled into the backseat as she pulled out of the parking space. The lot had cleared out considerably since we’d first come out here, but there were still many people milling about. Glancing out the window, I caught Preston making his way toward a car idling, a middle-aged woman sitting in the driver’s seat. My stomach clenched. His mom picked him up from school? Man, he might as well have worn a target on his back. Everything about the kid screamed, “Please pick on me!” “We’re waiting,” Gianna said in a sing-song voice. Oh, right. The Holden interrogation was still underway. I sighed. “Remember when I told you I met Holden at the gym?” They nodded simultaneously. Actually they did that a lot. They’d been best friends since elementary school, and they were super alike. Sometimes it felt like they were mirror images of one another. In fact, when I first met them I assumed I wouldn’t become good friends with them. Since they were so close, I didn’t think there would be room for me in their circle. But I was wrong. They invited me

in and made me feel welcome right off the bat. And now that we’d been hanging out, I realized that they sort of needed me to balance things out. I added a much-needed component to the group. “Well, we ran into each other a second time and had a great conversation. He asked for my number, so I gave it to him. Then that night he texted me and--” “He texted you!” Gianna squealed, pressing her hands to her mouth. “What did he say?” “I was getting to that,” I said dryly. This was exactly why I didn’t want them to find out. I knew they’d make a bigger deal out of it than it was. Besides, I had no idea where it would lead. “When he texted, he asked if I wanted to meet at the gym the next day. I was already going with my parents anyway, so I told him what time we were going.” “And he met you there?” Gianna was leaning over the seat now practically salivating. Jasmine was uncharacteristically quiet, but I assumed it was because she was driving. Her head remained forward, her hands holding steady to the wheel. Music played faintly in the background. I nodded. “Then what happened?” Gianna asked, eyes bright. “Nothing. We talked, and that was that.” “Then what was he talking about?” Jasmine finally spoke up. “Why did he ask for a second chance?” “Because I was pissed at him about what happened this morning.” Lowering my head, I picked at a string on my jeans. My fingernails were chipped, and I made a mental note to redo them tonight. I had no idea why I even bothered to paint them. The polish never stayed on for more than a couple of days. “What happened this morning?” Jasmine asked, turning the wheel. The car careened around a corner, and I held onto the door. “You were there,” I reminded her. “Holden’s friend was teasing us.” Expertly manicured lawns and two-story tract homes flanked us as we entered my neighborhood. “You’re mad at Holden because of how Ryan McCracken treated us?” Gianna furrowed her brows, looking at me like I had thirteen heads. “Seriously? Ryan’s a jerk. He always has been. He picks on everyone,” Jasmine interjected. “But

it has nothing to do with Holden.” “Holden’s his friend,” I pointed out. “So what?” Jasmine said. “Are you responsible for everything I do?” I suppose she did have a point. Shrugging, I didn’t have a clear answer for her. Jasmine guided the car to the curb when we reached my house. Then she turned toward me. “I don’t really know Holden, but he’s always seemed like a nice guy. And he’s Holden freaking Reece.” She smiled. “And he’s interested in you. This is huge.” Gianna nodded emphatically. “You’re so lucky. I would die if Holden was interested in me.” They were making me uncomfortable. Shifting in my seat, I hated how my heart responded to their words. I didn’t want to like Holden just because of who he was. I’d never been one of those girls who got caught up in the popularity game. But I still couldn’t help the feeling of pride that welled up in my chest. “You’re going to be like the new London Miller.” Gianna’s statement left me perplexed. “Who is London Miller?” “She graduated last year. She was a total book nerd, but she snagged one of the hottest guys at our school – Cooper Montgomery.” Gianna’s gaze flickered to Jasmine’s. “I’ve heard they’re still together too. They go to the same college and everything.” “I think it’s a little too soon to be planning my future with Holden. We’re not even dating.” I folded my fingers around the strap of my backpack, the rough fabric chafing the soft skin of my palm. It was time to get out of this car and away from this conversation. I had agreed to give Holden a second chance, but that didn’t mean he was my boyfriend. At dinner I picked at my food, my stomach in knots. It wasn’t until I got home when the ramifications of what I’d done slammed into me with so much force it was like a punch to my gut. Now my belly churned like a dryer on full speed. I imagined my insides being tossed about like a load of wet clothes. How was I going to keep my promise to both Preston and Holden at the same time? It seemed impossible. Keeping my head bent, I stayed silent, lost in my own thoughts. For awhile Mom and Dad had talked with each other, but now it was quiet. Only the sound of forks scraping on plates spun around me.

“Everything okay, Chloe?” Mom’s question broke into my thoughts. I sighed. “I just can’t stop thinking about this guy…and something that happened at school today.” Dropping my fork on the table beside my plate, I decided to stop the charade. It was clear that I wasn’t going to eat anything. “Is this the same guy from the spa?” Mom raised a brow. Dad shifted in his seat, wearing a wary look. I shook my head. “Two guys, huh?” Now both eyebrows lifted. “Wow, you’re moving fast.” “It sounds to me like it’s time to slow down,” Dad muttered, nervously twirling his fork in between his thick fingers. Exasperated, I waved away his words with my arms. “No, I’m not interested in two guys.” I paused. “There’s this kid at school – Preston. He’s a nice kid. Kinda weird, I guess, but nice. But everyone picks on him. He’s constantly being bullied, and I’m like the only person who ever even seems to care. No one sticks up for him at all.” As the words tumbled from my lips, my anger built, each word like a block being stacked on top of another one. “Today he got beat up by a couple of bigger guys – football players. And it just made me so mad, you know? So I told him I’d help him.” Lowering my head, I bit my lip. “The problem is, I just don’t know how to.” “Well, I hope you took him to the office to report the fight,” Dad said, spearing a piece of broccoli on his fork. “Gold Rush High has a zero tolerance policy.” “He said he’s gone to the office numerous times. The school never helps him,” I responded. “That doesn’t seem right. Are you sure you can trust this kid?” Dad narrowed his eyes. That was the thing about Dad. Everything was black and white to him. And he’d always believed in fairness and justice. Maybe because things had always seemed to go his way. But I knew better than that. Life wasn’t always fair. Rules didn’t always protect you. Those in authoritative positions didn’t always look out for your best interest. I’d learned these things the hard way. Every school I’d ever gone to had anti-bullying rules, but that never stopped kids from doing it. Not only had I witnessed my share of bullying, but I’d been a recipient many times too. And, let me tell you, anti-bullying rules rarely protected

us. “I don’t think he’s making this up, Dad.” I balled my napkin in my fist. “Why would he? The poor kid is being harassed daily at school. I’m pretty sure he’d want to do anything to make it stop.” “If that’s the case, then what are you going to do?” Dad asked. “Are you going to step in and defend him? Coming from a guy, I can assure you that will only make things worse for him.” It was the same thing Preston had said. “You’re compassionate, Chloe. It’s one of the things I love about you,” Dad continued. “But you can’t save everyone. And this is way out of your league. The only person that can help this boy is his parents, the staff at the school, or himself.” “Himself?” I had expected the first two, but the last one threw me. “This is going to sound harsh,” Dad started, “but kids know how to spot the weakest link. They tend to pick on the kids who let them. Preston needs to fight back. Maybe take a defense class or two.” My insides coiled. There was no way I would tell Preston to fight back. How would that be helping him? If he was capable of defending himself, wouldn’t he have done it by now? I sank further into the depths of hopelessness with each of Dad’s words. “Chloe.” Mom extended her hand, placing it over mine. I was glad she was finally chiming in. It’s not that I didn’t respect my dad’s opinion, but he’s like Holden. All muscles and good looks. He’d never been bullied in school. I’d thumbed through his old high school yearbooks. He was Mr. Popular Football star. Therefore, his stance on this wasn’t surprising. “I think you’re already helping this boy.” “I am?” I asked, puzzled. “You said that no one is nice to him. No one cares.” Mom smiled. “Maybe he’s never stuck up for himself because he’s never had anyone believe in him. Friendship is a powerful thing. Supporting someone is huge.” I could read the pride in Mom’s eyes when she gently squeezed my hand. Her soft floral scent wafted under my nose. I knew that scent would linger on my skin long after I left the dinner table. And I was okay with that. It was that scent that I had been finding comfort in since I was a child. “Just keep being his friend. Keep encouraging him. It’s not complicated. Trust me. It’s all the help he needs.”

Nodding, I did trust Mom. Something about the passion in which she spoke told me that she knew what she was talking about. And it made me wonder if there was a time in Mom’s life when she needed a friend. When she needed someone to help her. Mom didn’t talk much about her past. I knew my parents met in college, and Dad had regaled me with stories of his high school football years. But now that I thought about it, Mom never shared stories of her high school experiences. I never pondered it before because it didn’t seem to matter. Besides, Mom was one of those women who believed in living in the moment, so it always made sense to me. However, now I was curious, and wondered if there were other reasons she’d never talked about it.

CHAPTER 13

Holden I wasn’t sure how I would prove myself to Chloe until now. The answer stood right in front of me wearing a wrinkled t-shirt and jeans, glasses sliding down his nose. Preston was hunched over his backpack in front of an open locker. After zipping it up, he stood and readjusted his glasses. Then he slammed his locker shut, and the metal rattled on the hinges. His eyes widened, his body stiffening when he saw me approaching. As I got closer, his gaze shifted the hallway like he was searching for backup. Oh, hell. He was afraid of me. I’d never given him any reason to be, never picked on him. Still, I didn’t blame him for being wary. It’s not like I’d ever reached out to him. I’d never lifted a finger to help, never stood up for him, never even spoke to the guy. But that would change today. I was determined to show Chloe I was a good guy. Not a bully like Ryan. She was giving me a second chance, and I wouldn’t blow it. “Hey, Preston,” I greeted him with a smile. He took a step backward, his head hitting the locker behind him. I winced. That couldn’t have felt good. “Relax,” I told him, putting out a steadying hand as if he was a stray cat I was attempting to calm. And actually that’s what he reminded me of – a skittish cat. Students filled the halls, voices circling us. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a few of them peering over curiously. My chest tightened. “I’m not going to hurt you. I’m just being friendly.” He snorted. “Heard that before.” By the way his hands shook and he inched away from me, I was betting that was true. My stomach hurt at the thought. Had he really been tricked into thinking someone was being nice just to end up being attacked? Remembering how Ryan teased Chloe, my stomach knotted. Had she experienced the same thing? Was that why she was so upset about this? I had to fist my hands at my sides as anger overtook me. I would seriously beat the hell out of someone who hurt Chloe. Shaking my head, I willed my body to calm and focus. The surge of anger came out of nowhere, surprising me. I hardly knew Chloe. Why was I

already so protective of her? What was it about her that made me so desperate to make her mine? “I’m being serious, man,” I said to Preston. His eyes narrowed. “Oh, yeah?” Amidst the skepticism was a glimmer of hope. “Hey, loser,” Ryan’s voice bellowed over my shoulder. When I turned, his gaze was trained on Preston. “Holden doesn’t swing that way, okay? So take your nasty thoughts and get the hell outta here.” His arm shot out and he shoved Preston against the locker. “Ry!” I said, attempting to stop him. But it was too late. Preston scrambled away from us, his expression hard. Clearly, he thought I set him up for this. “What the hell, man?” “Sorry.” He shrugged. “I didn’t realize you wanted to mess with him yourself.” I froze, dark hair catching my attention. Chloe stood just feet away, and judging by the look on her face I’d say that she caught the whole show. Damn it. I glanced over at Ryan before walking away. “Is it possible for you to stop acting like a dick for two seconds?” “I could try, but I’m not making any promises.” Ryan flashed me a grin. “Hey, man.” Sawyer joined us. “Riddles, what’s up?” Ryan lifted his hand and they engaged in a fist bump. I had to get out of here. “I’ll catch up with you guys later.” Spinning around, I went after Chloe. She was already at the end of the hallway, but I wove through the students, moving quickly. “Chloe!” I called after her. Her body flinched, but she didn’t turn. In fact, she moved faster, disappearing around the corner. Shit. Taking a deep breath, I slowed down. “Holden?” Bethany’s voice was like a splash of cold water on my face. A frustrated breath escaped through my lips. She was the last person I wanted to see at this moment. Pressing my lips into a tight line, I stared at her. I was hoping my hard expression would scare her, but I should’ve known better. Bethany never did know when to walk away. “Why do you need the new girl? Did she drop something?” She glanced down at my hands. This was a classic Bethany tactic. “Jealousy doesn’t look good on you, Beth,” I said.

Her cheeks colored. “What would I have to be jealous about? I have a boyfriend, remember?” My insides twisted. How could I forget? Her boyfriend was the guy she had cheated on me with. “Besides, I’d never be jealous of a band geek.” Her brows furrowed. “Wait, you’re not like seeing her or something, are you?” So this was all about getting information from me. That made sense. Bethany always was one for gossip. I shoved past her. “Nice to see you, Beth. Tell Dusty I said hi.” “His name’s Rusty,” she corrected me. “Is it?” My lips tugged at the edges as I swaggered away from her. She may not have known when to walk away, but I sure as hell did. Once I rounded the corner, I glanced around at the last place I’d seen Chloe. The hallway had cleared out. When the bell rang out, I sighed. It seemed I couldn’t catch a break when it came to Chloe. But I wasn’t giving up. Not now. Not ever. Chloe had no idea who she was up against. Ask any guy on the team. I never backed down. I was relentless. I fought. I won. Every time. And this time would be no different. Chloe avoided me the remainder of the week. Whenever I tried to approach her she took off. I thought of chasing her, but decided against it. There were a lot of girls who would respond to being chased. Girls who would love it even. Bethany was like that. She got a kick out of the chase. Liked making me humiliate myself for her. Liked knowing that I would run around like a freaking idiot for her. Chloe didn’t strike me as that kind of girl. No, this wasn’t about her wanting to be pursued. This was about me proving I was worthy of her. About me proving that I wouldn’t treat her the way others had treated her at school. That I wasn’t the kind of guy who judged others based on looks and social status. Since I knew chasing her was out, I had to come up with a different plan. Grand, romantic gestures were something I could do, but I wasn’t sure if that would work either.

I didn’t have much time to mull over options since my week was jam-packed with school work and football practice. Before I knew it, the Friday night game was upon me. As I stood on the field in my football gear, bright lights shining down, I felt at peace for the first time all week. All the turmoil I’d been experiencing dissipated. Even my irritation with Ryan flew out the window. On the football field, he wasn’t my friend. He was my teammate. He was the best wide receiver I knew. And we made a great team. The only chink in my armor was when I spotted Mom in the bleachers, sitting alone. My heart pinched at James’ absence. Where the hell was he lately? But I shoved away the thought, vowing to take care of him later. This was what football did for me. It grounded me. It was my happy place. The place I felt most content. With a football in my hand and turf under my feet, I could let everything else go. I wondered if it was this way for Chloe when she played her instrument. And it was at that moment when I knew exactly what I had to do. And I had to do it tonight.

CHAPTER 14

Chloe I’d been taking Mom’s advice, and it seemed to be working. Preston appeared to be coming out of his shell a little, and he was happier than when I’d first met him. Perhaps that was what he needed the entire time. Just someone to befriend him. It was so simple. And it bothered me that no one else had tried it before. He wasn’t that bad. God, the other kids acted like he had leprosy or something. It didn’t make sense to me, and I felt like I was missing something. After adjusting my hat, I turned away from the mirror in the band room and spotted Preston in the corner. He was bent over his instrument’s case fiddling with something inside. His eyes were downcast, his face shrouded in the shadows. A couple of kids sidestepped him, and he glanced up, his eyes narrowing behind his glasses. The look he shot them was chilling, and it hit me. Kids didn’t act like he had leprosy, they acted like they were scared of him. “Hey.” Jasmine’s hand clamped down on my shoulder, and I flinched. When my head turned in her direction, her eyebrows knit together. “You okay?” “Yeah.” I nodded. When I glanced back at Preston he was looking right at me, his expression pensive. But when our eyes locked, a smile swept across his face. My shoulders relaxed, and I grinned back. “Cool, because we’ve gotta head out,” Jasmine said. “It’s already time?” I shook out my hands, releasing my nerves. We’d done all right at our first competition, but not great. Mr. Grant had been riding us hard since then. But the truth was that I wasn’t nervous about not performing well. I was nervous about seeing Holden. After witnessing Holden and Ryan picking on Preston the other morning, I’d steered clear of Holden. But that didn’t stop him from staring at me whenever our paths crossed. I hated that my heart skipped a beat whenever I caught his eyes piercing into mine. No matter how much I wanted to dislike him, deep down there was a part of me that was drawn to him. He was gorgeous. That much was obvious,

but usually I wasn’t sucked in by looks. I’d never been that shallow. So what was it about Holden that intrigued me so much? Jasmine and Gianna talked animatedly by my side as we trekked out to the field. As we neared it, I slowed down. Holden stood across the field with the ball in his hand. The bright light above him shone down like a spotlight. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him as he threw the ball toward a teammate. The muscles in his arm bulged with the effort. Even though his helmet obscured his face, his dark eyes were visible, and it made my stomach flip. Why’d he have to be so hot? After our team scored a touchdown, halftime was called, and the players jogged off the field. My heart thumped in my chest as I walked forward, my eyes watching Holden. I prayed he wouldn’t spot me. We all matched, so it would be hard to find me in this crowd. Lowering my head, I hoped to blend in. I stepped in line with the rest of the band as we made our way onto the turf. Out of the corner of my eye, I observed the football players as they exited the field. My heart sank when Holden ran off without even a second glance back to me. It’s what I wanted, so why did it irk me? Mentally scolding myself for my wishy-washy emotions, I stalked forward, clutching tightly to my saxophone. The air was cool tonight as it feathered over my face. But my long-sleeved uniform kept me warm. More than warm. It was a freaking sauna in this thing. Numb, I made my way over to my spot on the field. Standing up tall, I held my saxophone in front of me and stared forward at the drum major. Taking a deep breath, I waited for her cue. The music started up, loudly spilling through the speakers surrounding us. When the drum major raised her arm, I lifted the saxophone and closed my lips around the mouthpiece. My gloved fingers pressed down on the notes as I played. Tuning out thoughts of Holden and all the other things crowding my mind, I focused on the notes I needed to play, and the placement of my feet as I marched. I moved skillfully over the field, losing myself in the music and the movements. When the show wound down, I slowed. The drum major dropped her arms, and I lowered my instrument. Blinking, I scanned the stadium as if seeing it for the first time. That’s what playing was like for me. I got caught up in it. It was the only time I could quiet my racing thoughts and just be me. As my gaze scoured the bleachers, I saw my parents sitting in the second row. Mom was drinking a bottle of water, and Dad had his hand in a bag of chips. Both of them wore excited grins. Seriously, they

made better teenagers than I did. Turning to leave the field, my breath caught in my throat. Holden stood at the edge of the field, his gaze glued to me. He had one arm slung over the metal fence separating the field from the bleachers. The relaxed way he stood there caused me to wonder if he’d been there the entire show. I didn’t dare allow myself to ponder what that meant if he had been. Forcing my legs to move, I stepped forward. I barely got two steps down when Holden pushed off the fence and swaggered in my direction. His cleats crunched on the turf as he neared us. Swallowing hard, I could hear my heart hammering in my ears as if it had literally traveled from my chest and now resided in my head. Holden elbowed his way through the band students, his gaze never leaving me. The hunger in his eyes crashed over me like a powerful ocean wave. What the hell was he doing? Curious glances and loud whispers spun around me the closer he got. When he reached me, I stopped walking, afraid I would walk right into his chest. Before I could register what was happening, his hand reached up to cup my face. He was so close I could smell sweat and the faint scent of his deodorant. I sucked in a breath, unable to move. “You were amazing,” Holden breathed. “You saw?” I whispered, not fully trusting my voice right now. “The entire thing.” He grinned, his hand still on my face. “And now I know.” “Know what?” I bit my lip. It terrified me how much I liked the feel of his hand on my skin. I prayed he’d never release it. “That you love music the way I love football. I’ve never seen anyone look as gorgeous as you did in your element.” I snorted, his words breaking through the trance he’d had me under. “Yeah, right. There is nothing pretty about me in this monstrosity.” Cringing, I peered down at my marching band uniform. “I didn’t say beautiful. I said gorgeous. And I meant it.” The sincerity in his eyes made me clamp my mouth shut, closing in the sarcastic remark that threatened to come out. When I dared to peek around us, I saw that the field had pretty much cleared out. The band had made it off the turf, and the football team was just filing out of the locker room. Everyone in the bleachers were watching us. I froze. “Let them

stare.” Holden’s hand curved further around my face, and he moved closer. So close I thought he might kiss me. His warm breath fanned over my flesh. “I want them to know how I feel. I like you, Chloe. It never mattered to me that you were in band. I want to be with you, and I’m not going to let our social status get in the way of that. Are you?” Well, when he put it that way, how I could I refuse? Besides, he was right. He’d made it clear that he liked me from the first day we met. It was me who’d let our labels get in the way. My lips twitched, curving upward. “I like you too, Holden.” A grin leapt to his lips, and he stepped even closer. My pulse quickened. “But I’m not kissing you in front of all these people.” “Fair enough.” He winked, dropping his hand. “I can wait.” “We’ll take things slow?” I may have liked him, but I hardly knew him. And I still had some reservations about the whole thing. “As slow or fast as you want. You make the call.” My cheeks colored. “I meant with our relationship…not, you know, sexually.” God, did I just say the word ‘sexually’ to Holden Reece? “Although, I do want to go slow with that. I mean…” I was making this worse. Why couldn’t I shut up? “Relax. I knew what you meant.” He grabbed my hand, and I noticed the team had taken the field. “Let me walk you off.” I nodded, acutely aware of all the eyes on me. Every single player was staring at me, wide-eyed. Not to mention the cheerleaders were having a free-for-all. Some of them smiled with a giddiness I’d never possessed, but one of them looked outright pissed. I shuddered, grasping tightly to Holden’s hand. I wished I didn’t have my gloves on. It would be nice to feel his skin against mine. “Wait for me. We’ll talk after the game,” Holden said when we got to the edge of the field. “Okay.” My head swirled. This was all happening so fast. A half hour ago I was angry with Holden. I wanted nothing to do with him. Now I was holding his hand and agreeing to wait for him after the game.

He smiled before releasing my hand and racing back out onto the field. My chest heaved with each breath as I watched him. It all felt so surreal. Had he really met me out on the field, touching my face and saying sweet things in front of everyone? He’d proven to me that he didn’t care what others thought, and that spoke volumes. I felt someone watching me, and I turned. Preston was standing a few feet away, his expression dark. I smiled, but he didn’t return it. Instead, his gaze slid past me, honing in on Holden. Then he shook his head and stormed off angrily. My chest tightened. Had Holden really done what I asked of him? Had he really proven that he wasn’t a bully? Thinking of all I’d witnessed between him and Preston, I wasn’t sure. I caught him out on the field, and my heart soared. The guy I’d gotten to know wasn’t a bully. I was sure of that. And I was starting to like him….a lot. No one had ever treated me the way he did tonight. I didn’t want to walk away from that. In fact, a part of me wanted to jump in with both feet. To see where this would lead between us. My parents were right. I spent too much of my time trying to save everyone. It was how I got mixed up in my last relationship. But I didn’t want to do that right now. For once, I wanted to do something just for me. Was that so wrong? “Oh, my god.” Jasmine approached. “Did that seriously just happen?” Gianna stood next to her, mouth gaping. “That was like something out of a movie.” She clutched her chest and sighed heavily. If playing music didn’t work out for her, she could take up acting. “What did he say to you?” Jasmine nudged me. I stared out at the field as Holden made another throw. “He told me he liked me.” The words tasted good on my tongue. I liked the way they felt as I tossed them around. “No way!” Gianna shoved me in the shoulder. “Way,” I responded. “What did you say?” Jasmine asked pointedly. “That I…” I paused, suddenly wishing we could have kept the moment private. Sure, it was awesome the way Holden declared his feelings for me in front of everyone, but now I wanted to hold the moment close. To ponder it on my own. To replay it over and over in my mind. Not share it with the

whole world. But I knew they’d never stop asking if I didn’t tell them. “I said that I liked him too.” “This is epic.” Gianna swooned. And she was right. This was epic. I smiled. “Yeah, it kinda is.” After the game, I changed out of my uniform and slipped into the yoga pants and tank top I’d been wearing when I’d arrived. If only I’d known where the night would lead, I would’ve chosen something cuter. But how could have I known what Holden had planned? “You and Holden, huh?” Preston intercepted me on the way out the door. I held my purse in one hand and my instrument in the other. Sometimes I rode with Jasmine to the games, but I was glad I had chosen to drive myself tonight. Once I dropped this stuff in my car, I had planned to wait outside of the locker room for Holden. “Yeah,” I answered. He shook his head. “And here I thought you were different.” “This doesn’t change anything, Pres. I’m still your friend.” “You don’t get it, do you?” With nervous motions he pushed his glasses up his nose. “Don’t get what?” My gaze flickered to the clock on the wall, my heart seizing. I needed to get out of here quick. I didn’t want Holden to think I left. Preston followed my gaze. “Nothing. Never mind. Go be with Mr. Superstar.” Clearly he was upset, and I knew I should’ve stayed to chat it out, but I didn’t want to miss my opportunity to meet Holden. I’d made him a promise, and I planned to keep it. “We’ll talk later, okay?” I flashed him an apologetic look as I moved around him. Then I hurried to my car and dumped my stuff inside. I shoved my keys and phone into my pocket and then ran to the locker room. By the time I reached it, I was out of breath. Leaning against the fence, I allowed the cool air to skate over my skin as I calmed my breathing. “You waited,” Holden’s voice startled me.

I turned toward him. “You told me to.” “I wasn’t sure you would listen.” His nearness caused my knees to soften. He’d changed into jeans and a white t-shirt that clung to his muscles. His hair was damp, his face flushed. Man, he looked so good. “You don’t strike me as the obedient type.” One side of his lip curled upward in an amused expression. “I’m not.” I stood up taller. “I do what I want. Not what I’m told. Is that going to be an issue?” His gaze locked with mine. “Not at all. It’s one of the things I like about you.” I smiled. “Good answer.” “I’m full of ‘em.” He leaned into me. “But they’re not just words. I mean what I say.” “I’m starting to get that.”

CHAPTER 15

Holden I wasn’t sure my plan would work. The look on Chloe’s face when I first started walking toward her freaked me out. It was definitely not a thrilled look. But the minute I touched her face I knew I had her. The way she melted into me told me all I needed to know. And it was awesome. The best feeling ever. It was worth all of the teasing I got the last half of the game. I swear, I thought Ryan would never let up. But it didn’t matter. I meant what I said to Chloe. I liked her, and I didn’t care what others thought. And now she stood in front of me leaning against the fence, looking like an angel in her pastel tank top and pants so tight they left nothing to the imagination. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail, and the strands danced behind her head in the slight breeze, almost creating a halo-like effect. I wanted to kiss her so bad, but I knew I should wait. She’d only just admitted she liked me. I didn’t want to push my luck. It seemed I was always screwing up when it came to her, and I wasn’t sure I could afford another one. There were only so many grand gestures I could come up with. “My parents are expecting me home soon,” she said, and my heart sagged. But I brushed it off, waving my hand in understanding. “I get it. I’ve got a strict Mom too.” “Mom, huh? That’s funny. It’s opposite for me. My mom’s pretty lax, but my dad’s super strict.” Her words hit their mark. I bit my lip. “Yeah, well, my dad’s not around so…” Reaching up, I nervously rubbed the back of my neck. Why had I said anything? It was just an innocent comment. Something she said to fill the silence. Not so I could pop off with something intimate and personal, ruining the whole moment. “I’m sorry,” she said with so much sincerity it almost broke me. No way was I going down that road tonight. No, tonight was about wowing her with my charm. Tonight was about fun. “It’s okay. I know something that will make me feel better.” “You do?” She cocked an eyebrow, and damn if I didn’t think it was one of the sexiest things I’d ever seen.

Reaching forward, I curled my fingers in the chain links of the fence right next to her ear. Then I bent forward until my lips almost touched her cheek. She shivered, and it gave me a sense of satisfaction. I held her gaze. “Go out with me.” “When?” A puff of air met my face. “Tomorrow night.” “What time?” Her eyes sparkled. “I’ll pick you up at six.” I inhaled her sweet scent, my insides having a freaking party. I wanted nothing more than to lean forward a bit more and satisfy my curiosity by pressing my lips to her soft skin. But I held off, showing restraint. “It’s a date.” I shoved off the fence. “It sure is.” When I got home, the house was dark. Silence wove around me as I stepped inside. The only light came from the kitchen. I assumed Mom had left it on when she went to bed, until I heard noise from inside – the rattle of a cup, the pull of a drawer. Inching forward, I poked my head inside the kitchen doorway. It was dimly lit, only the light from the stove illuminating the room. James’ back was to me, his elbow moving as if he was stirring something. I walked into the room. James must have heard my footsteps because his head jerked, his neck craning. “Where were you tonight?” I asked, my tone hard. James spun around, leaning back against the counter. He held a mug in his hand. Steam rose from it. “Sorry I missed your game, bud.” I winced. Seriously, I hated when he called me ‘bud.’ Did he think I was ten or something? “I had a long day at work, so I stayed home,” he continued. “Needed some quiet time.” “Long day at work, huh?” I glared. “You’ve been having a lot of those lately.” “Is there something you want to ask me?” He threw me a challenging look. I knew I had to tread lightly. Mom would kill me if I got into fight with my new stepdad, so for her

sake I’d keep it civil. “Just find it odd, that’s all. It seems that the numbers will still be there to calculate in the morning.” “It’s a little more complicated than that,” James replied dryly, running his free hand through his salt and pepper hair. “To me it’s pretty simple, actually.” “It is?” He raised his brows in bemusement. “Yep. When I see my mom sitting alone every night on the couch it becomes pretty simple to me.” “Holden,” his voice had softened. Gone was the amused expression, replaced by one of grave concern. “I would never do anything to hurt your mom. I’m not--” I held up my hand, not wanting to hear him say the words “like your dad.” I knew he wasn’t like my dad, but I also didn’t want him waltzing in here acting like he was so much better than him either. I knew it didn’t make sense. Most of the time I hated my dad, but deep down I knew I loved him. And it’s not like it had always been bad. We’d had good times. At one point Mom and Dad were happy. Plus, Dad’s the reason I love football. I knew the way I felt about my dad was messed up, but I guess that was the curse of having parents. Even when you hated them, you loved them. Even when you wanted not to care, you did. And even though you’d told your dad to go to hell, what you really wanted was for him to come home.

CHAPTER 16

Chloe “Where is he taking you?” Jasmine asked. “He didn’t say.” Holding the phone to my ear with my right hand, I perused my closet with my left. My fingertips brushed over an array of tops, skirts and dresses. It landed on the floral dress I wore to Cole’s graduation, and a stab of sadness shot through me. If Cole were here he’d give me so much crap about dating Holden. He’d probably be in here right now teasing me, tossing out ugly outfits and daring me to wear them. Cole and I had always been pretty close, but we grew apart his last year of high school. And now that he was in college, I hardly ever heard from him. I’d called a few times, but when I got him he sounded distracted, so I’d stopped trying. But the truth was that I missed him. Releasing the dress, I touched the next hanger. “Ooh, a surprise. Those are the best!” Jasmine squealed. “You do realize that Gianna and I are totally living vicariously through you now, so you have to share all the details with us.” I giggled. “Well, maybe not all. I am a lady, you know.” “You’re so gonna kiss him tonight, aren’t you?” I stepped back from the closet, my cheeks warming. I hadn’t really planned on kissing Holden, but now that she mentioned it I could think of nothing else. I remembered the way his hand felt on my cheek, the intensity in his gaze when he stared into my eyes. Kissing him didn’t sound so bad, actually. In fact, it sounded kind of awesome. “You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” Jasmine prodded. Shit. How long had I been standing here mute? “No,” I lied. “I’m trying to figure out what to wear.” A closet full of clothes and nothing seemed right for tonight. Of course it would help if I had some direction. “Jazzy, I gotta go get ready.” “All right.” I could hear the disappointment in her voice. “Call me later.” “Okay.” I hung up with her and went into my text messages. Then I shot off a text to Holden asking him if I should dress casual or not.

His response came quickly. Holden: You’re not going to wear your bikini? I stared at the screen wondering if he was serious. Was he taking me swimming? Or to the spa? My heart sank. I was hoping for something more original than that. My phone vibrated in my hand, another text appearing on the screen. Holden: Just kidding. Casual’s fine. Whew. Thank god. Me: OK. After tossing my phone on the bed, I stepped back to my closet. I took down a black and white striped long ex-boyfriend tee and my skinny jeans from their hangers. Once I got dressed, I added hoop earrings and my black flats. Then I fixed my hair in large loose curls that fell down my back. Remembering how much Holden stared at my lips that first time he’d seen me in my band uniform, I decided to wear my red lipstick. I wondered if it would make him kiss me. Just the thought caused a swarm of butterflies to flutter in my belly. Taking a deep breath, I lined my eyes in black eyeliner and ran black mascara over my lashes. When I finished, I heard a distant knock at the front door. Shaking out my hands, I assessed my reflection in the mirror. For a moment I waffled back and forth with the lipstick wondering if it was too much, but then Mom knocked on my door. “Come in,” I called. The door popped open, Mom’s head peeking in. “Holden’s here, honey.” Her eyes widened. “Wow. You look so pretty.” “It’s not too much?” I bit my lip, red staining my white teeth. Crap. Why had I done that? Leaning toward the mirror, I wiped it off with my fingers. “He’ll love it.” She smiled. “Then again, from what I’ve seen I think he’d love how you look no matter what.” No one was more shocked than me when Holden approached me on the field during the game. Well, no one except my parents. And certainly no one more than my dad. According to Mom, she practically had to hold Dad in place while Holden “accosted” me on the field. “Accosted” would be the

word Dad used, of course. But Mom thought it was sweet and romantic. When male voices floated from downstairs, I stiffened. “I better go save Holden from Dad.” “Not a bad idea,” Mom agreed. I snatched up my cell and purse and headed downstairs. Mom’s hand gently touched my back as I passed. She was the one who had held me when Ethan broke up with me. Honestly, she’d never been Ethan’s biggest fan. But I could tell she was already a fan of Holden. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, Holden’s head bobbed up, his eyes catching mine. His hair fell over his forehead, his dark eyes striking. His hands were shoved into the pocket of his jeans, the grey shirt he wore showing off the definition of his muscles. I sucked in a breath. It was safe to say that I was a fan of him too. “You look amazing,” he said when I approached him. Dad stood over his shoulder with a stern look on his face. My stomach clenched. I threw Mom a pleading look and she maneuvered around me to stand next to Dad. She placed a soothing hand on his arm and grinned at me. “You two have a fun time,” she said. “Thanks.” I glanced at both her and Dad before making my way to the front door. “Nice to you meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Martin,” Holden said politely, then looked pointedly at my dad. “I’ll have her home by eleven.” “No later,” Dad snapped. My face colored. I narrowed my eyes. Mom rubbed Dad’s arm, and whispered something to him. “Have fun,” Dad said, but his voice was odd and tight. I shook my head. “See ya later.” Spinning around, I hurriedly escaped out the front door. I’d never been so happy to be out of my house in my life. Cool air smacked me in the face, the scent of the flowers near the porch overwhelming my senses. “Sorry about the drill sergeant in there.” I pointed over my shoulder with my thumb as we made our way toward Holden’s car. “No problem. He just cares about you.” Sadness flickered momentarily in his eyes, but it was gone so quickly I wondered if it had been there at all.

“So where are we off to?” He opened the passenger door for me, and I slid into the front seat. I didn’t think Ethan opened the door for me once in our entire relationship. Glancing back at the house, I hoped Dad was watching through the window. Then he’d see what a gentleman Holden was. “You’ll see.” He shut the door firmly and walked around the car. After opening his door, he plopped inside, the faint scent of cologne wafting under my nose. I nestled into the leather seat as he started the engine and pulled away from the curb. “Your parents seem nice.” I nodded. “They’re all right.” “You have an older brother, right?” Nodding, I was surprised he remembered. “He’s away at college.” I stared out the window, willing away the ache in my heart when I thought of Cole. “That’s cool. I always wanted a brother.” I faced away from the window, studying Holden’s profile. “Sisters are tough, huh?” Huffing, I added, “I bet my brother would say the same thing.” As close as Cole and I were as kids, he became more secretive in his teenage years and it seemed that everything I did annoyed him. “No sisters.” My body swayed as Holden took a corner. The sky was darkening, headlights of passing cars painting our faces. “Only child. What’s that like?” He shrugged, keeping his gaze trained forward and hands on the wheel. My dad would be proud of how responsible he was behaving. Ethan always thought it was fun to drive erratically, swerving into other lanes and going over the speed limit. “’S okay.” Whenever Holden’s family was brought up, I felt a wall being built up between us, and I didn’t like it. However, a first date wasn’t the time to pry, so I let it go. “If I guess where we’re going, will you tell me?” I sat forward in my seat, taking in my surroundings. We were coming up on the freeway. “Sure. Why not?” He merged onto Highway 50 toward Sacramento. I remembered him telling me once about a friend whose band played at a club downtown. “Are you taking me to hear some live music?” His head snapped in my direction. I worried he’d lose control of the vehicle. But he recovered

quickly, facing forward again. “No way. I can’t believe you were right on your first guess.” “What can I say? I’m that good,” I teased. He shook his head. “If I had known that, I never would’ve agreed to the game.” I felt bad, worried that I’d messed up his plans. “I’m sorry. I should’ve let you keep it a surprise.” “Hey, it’s not a Christmas present,” he said lightly. “It’s fine that you guessed it.” “Christmas presents are easy to guess. Ever since I was a little girl, I’d shake them the minute they were under the tree. I’d have them all figured out in one day. Used to drive my mom nuts.” “I bet it did.” Holden chuckled. “I never tried to figure out my presents. Always enjoyed the surprise.” “You like surprises, do you?” “Yeah, I guess I do.” Nodding, I filed the information away for later. “I’ve learned tonight that you don’t, though, so I’ll remember that.” “I like some surprises,” I said softly, hoping he’d catch my meaning. “Oh yeah?” He cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah. I like when someone surprises me by showing me a side of themselves I didn’t know existed.” “Then get ready to be even more surprised.” The enthusiasm in his voice made me wonder if I should be excited or concerned. It took about twenty minutes to find the club, and another ten to find a parking space. I didn’t mind though. I liked being with Holden. He was easy to talk to, easy to banter with. And let’s not forget, he was very easy on the eyes. When we finally did find a space, I wasn’t sure Holden’s car would fit into it. Not because his car was large. It was a compact car, but the space looked like it would barely fit a Mini Cooper. However, somehow Holden made his vehicle fit. “I’m impressed,” I told him. “I suck at parallel parking. If I had tried to do that, I would’ve taken out both of those cars.”

“Then I’m glad you weren’t driving,” he said with a grin. Our parking space was around the corner from the club. My flats pounded on the pavement as we walked. Cars zipped down the street and couples walked by us on the sidewalk. We passed a little cafe and a Mexican restaurant. The scent of chips and salsa made my stomach growl. “They serve food in the club. It’s pub food,” Holden said. “But we can eat somewhere else if you want.” Shaking off the embarrassment of him having heard my stomach growling, I shook my head. “Nah, the club sounds good.” We rounded the corner and my foot hit a slope in the pavement. I teetered on the balls of my feet for a moment. Holden’s arm extended to steady me. “Thanks,” I mumbled, pushing hair out of my face. When I lowered my hand, Holden caught it in his, folding his fingers over mine. My heart flipped at the gesture. This time I didn’t wear gloves, so I could feel his rough skin against mine. It felt as good as I’d hoped. As we neared the club, I caught sight of the large bouncer standing outside, tattoos riding up his arms. I paused. “I’m not eighteen yet, remember?” “Me either.” He flashed me one of his heart-stopping grins. “It’s an eighteen and under club. A place for younger bands to try out their stuff.” “Oh.” I relaxed. “That’s cool.” I’d never heard of a club like that before. Turns out the bouncer was actually a nice guy and not nearly as scary as the way he looked when I first noticed him. He and Holden greeted each other like old friends before he let us in. “Do you bring a lot of dates here?” I knew it was a lame question, but I had to know. “Never.” I raised a brow. “But the bouncer acted like you were old friends.” “We are. He used to go to Gold Rush High. Graduated a couple of years ago.” Snatching up my hand, he lead me inside. Music was already playing, and it swelled around us. It was dimly lit, dark wooden tables scattered throughout. The place was bigger than I had pictured it with open spaces for people to dance and a small stage up at the front. It kind of had the vibe of a pub and a café put together. The scent of fried food permeated the air, and my stomach piped up again. Luckily Holden didn’t hear it

this time since it was so loud in here. My lips involuntarily curved upward as I glanced around at the eclectic decorations on the wall, the music thumping under my feet. Definitely my kind of place. The music was edgy, the vibe fun. I squeezed Holden’s hand in anticipation as he guided me toward an empty table in the corner. “This okay?” He leaned in close and spoke right in my ear. His soft breath tickled my ear, sending shivers down my spine. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. My knees buckled, but luckily I was near a chair so I landed in it. The chair legs scraped against the floor. I dropped my elbows on the table as Holden slid into the chair across from me. A waitress sidled up to our table, introduced herself, and handed us two menus. Holding up the menu, I glanced over it. Even though I was starving, I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to eat with Holden right across from me. Lowering the menu, I caught a glimpse of his dark hair, and my stomach tumbled to the ground. God, he was so hot. I could hardly believe I was out on a date with him. After deciding what we wanted, we placed our order. I sat back in my seat, glancing up at the band on stage. “You like ‘em?” Holden asked. I nodded. “Yeah, they’re pretty good.” Holden stood abruptly, startling me. He thrust out his hand. “Can I have this dance?” I giggled at the mock formality. Placing my hand in his, I allowed him to guide me out of my seat. The band’s music was frenetic and choppy, not really dancing music. But there were people rocking out around the room anyway. Standing next to our table, Holden turned to me and gathered both my hands in his. I froze, unsure of what was happening. It’s not like it was a slow song. Drawing me forward, our chests bumped. “Um…what are you doing?” Shifting my gaze around, I noticed several patrons glancing over curiously. “You said you like surprises.” Dropping our linked hands, he wrapped his arms around my waist. My hands fluttered over his chest as he pulled me even closer. Even though the music was fast, he swayed us gently, rocking us back and forth. His hands were warm on my waist, and I savored the feeling of them.

“Correction. You said you liked surprises.” I splayed my palms on his chest and his muscles flexed beneath my flesh. “I believe you admitted to liking them too.” His hands skated up my spine, his face inching closer to mine. The closer he got, the more disoriented I became. The room blurred, my surroundings like an impressionist painting. The only thing that was crystal clear was the boy standing in front of me. He angled his face, his lips so close that they almost touched mine. Desire surfacing, I inhaled sharply. “I won’t surprise you with this.” When he spoke his top lip brushed mine. “I’ll ask permission.” Fisting his shirt in my hands, I held my breath. “Chloe, can I kiss you?” I closed my eyes. “Is that a yes?” Nodding, I waited with anticipation.

CHAPTER 17

Holden I’d been dying to kiss her from the minute she came down the stairs wearing that red lipstick. Her perfect heart-shaped lips had been beckoning me the entire drive. Now that she was in my arms staring up at me with slightly parted lips, I couldn’t wait any longer. Besides, it was perfect. She was happy here, I could tell. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright. Music woke her up, made her more alive. And that made me want her even more. When she nodded her permission, my pulse quickened. Drawing her close, my lips brushed hers softly. Light like a breeze. Clamping down a little more firmly, the stickiness of her lipstick coated my lips, a faint fruity scent lingering. I exerted more pressure, our mouths fusing. Her fingers closed around my shirt, her nails dragging over my chest. Our bodies swayed slowly despite the music being much faster. My hands slid up her back, our chests pressed together until her heartbeat pounded beneath mine, a mismatched drumbeat. Silky strands of hair tumbled down my arm. Darting my tongue out, I teased her mouth open. Warm, minty breath escaped when she parted her lips. I ran my tongue over her lips before thrusting it inside her mouth. Our tongues slid together in a sensual dance, as her hands left my chest and curved around my neck, her fingers tickling the sensitive flesh. A small moan escaped from the back of her throat and desire rushed to the surface. I’d never desired to kiss anyone like this before. Sure, I’d kissed a lot of girls. And I always enjoyed it. But Chloe was different. Kissing her wasn’t just for fun. I desperately wanted to be close to her. From the moment we met, I was drawn to her in a way I’d never experienced before. It went beyond attraction with Chloe. Of course it started out that way. The minute she stepped into the spa in that black bikini, I thought she was hot. But that’s not too unusual. I was a seventeen-year-old guy. I found a lot of girls attractive. However, it was when we started talking that my need for her surfaced. I didn’t even fully understand it. Almost like our souls were connected. And I didn’t want to sever the connection. Too bad I didn’t have a choice.

The song ended, and I felt the waitress’ presence as she delivered our food. Reluctantly, I pulled back from Chloe. Red lipstick smeared her lips, and oddly enough it looked sexy. I knew I probably had it all over my lips too. And I wasn’t sure it would be as sexy on me, so I swiped it with the back of my hand. But when Chloe reached up to wipe hers, I caught her hand in mine. “Let me,” I mumbled, lowering her arm. Then I gently rubbed off the lipstick traces with my thumbs. Her skin was warm to the touch as the pads of my fingers circled her flesh. As she stared at me with dark, wide eyes, I was grateful that the connection we’d had during our kiss remained. She was still with me. And I was determined to keep it that way. When I finished eradicating all remnants of red lipstick, Chloe glanced at the food on our table and smiled. I grinned back, hurrying to her chair. After pulling it out, I held out my arm indicating for her to sit. An expression of surprise leapt to her face as she sat. I scooted the chair forward and then made my way around the table. When I sat down, I caught Chloe watching me with a pensive look. “What?” My hands instinctually flew to my face, assuming red lipstick was still smeared across it. “Just never met anyone like you before.” “Is that a good thing?” She nodded. “A very good thing.” My insides heated up. Across from me, Chloe picked up a chicken strip and dunked it generously in ranch dressing. Then she took a large bite. My lips tugged at the corners. Bethany never ordered anything but salad when we went out. And I was pretty certain she’d be upset with me if I took her to a place that only served pub food. “I’ve never met anyone like you before either,” I told her. Wiping ranch dressing from her face with her napkin, she chuckled. “Yeah, I get that a lot.” I smiled. “I bet.” “But I’m not sure it’s always a compliment.” Even though she wore a smile, I could see a hint of sadness in her eyes. “I meant it as a compliment.” Reaching my arm across the table, I covered her hand with mine.

“From the moment I met you, it was clear that you weren’t like other girls. And it was what attracted me to you.” “Oh really?” She raised an eyebrow. “I thought it was the bikini.” “Was I that obvious?” I withdrew my hand, and reached for my burger. “A little.” She lowered her gaze, her lashes fluttering. I mentally kicked myself for coming on too strong. That was probably why she avoided me after our first meeting. She thought I was a pervert. “Sorry.” Her head bobbed up, a chicken strip dangling between her fingers. “Don’t be. My ex-boyfriend was always on me to lose weight and stuff. It was nice to know that you thought I…you know…looked good in my bathing suit.” “Hey.” I lowered my burger, setting it back down on my plate. “Your ex-boyfriend was an idiot, okay?” “Yeah, he was.” She snorted, and it made me wonder what else he did to hurt her. I’d never met the guy, but I couldn’t stand him. And I knew if I ever ran into him I’d want to shove my fist in his face. Chloe was far from overweight. In fact, her curves were part of what made her so sexy. Not to mention the fact that she was fun and confident. No guy should ever make her feel like she needed to change. I didn’t want to change one thing. To me she was perfect. “You’re gorgeous, Chloe,” I said firmly. “Thank you,” she breathed. In the dim lighting her eyes shone brightly, her hair glistened. Tucking a lock behind her ear, she bent over her plate and took a bite from a French fry. The band started a new song, and her body involuntarily moved to the beat. She didn’t even appear to notice she was doing it. Almost like her body had a mind of its own. Like the music owned it. “You like to dance, huh?” I asked her after swallowing down a large bite out of my burger. She nodded. “You?” I shrugged. “I’m not very good at it.” She licked ketchup from her finger, and I swallowed hard. Was she trying to kill me? “Oh, I don’t know. From what I saw earlier your dancing skills are pretty good.”

“That wasn’t really dancing. I didn’t have to have any rhythm to slow dance. I only had to hold you in my arms, and trust me, that wasn’t difficult at all. I’d hold you all night if I could.” “Then why’d you stop?” “Because someone’s stomach was growling,” I bantered, and her cheeks flushed a little. She stood, shoving her chair back. The legs scraped on the ground. “My stomach’s quiet now.” My heart stuttered in my chest. “Is it?” Nodding, she reached for my hands. I allowed her warm, soft fingers to fold over mine. Then I stood and swept her into my arms. Her body molded to mine as if this was where it belonged. As her head rested on my shoulder and my arms wrapped around her waist, I knew that I’d never be able to let her go. Not completely. In such a short time, she’d somehow stolen a piece of my heart. And I was happy to give her the rest. All she had to do was say the word and it was hers. After our date, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I remembered the weekend I first went out with Bethany. I took her to some swanky restaurant she liked and listened to her blab about her friends and the cheerleading squad all night. Then the next few days I blew her off to spend time with the guys. But this was different. I had no desire to blow Chloe off. I wanted to spend every minute with her. It should’ve scared me, but for some reason it didn’t. Ryan had been texting me all morning asking if I wanted to hang out. But I ignored his texts and instead texted Chloe. When she said she was at the gym with her parents, I practically raced there. I didn’t even bother putting on my gym clothes. I knew exactly where she’d be, so I just threw on a pair of swim trunks and grabbed a beach towel. When I arrived at the gym, I headed straight to the spa. Sure enough, she sat amidst the bubbles wearing her bikini, her hair piled high on her head. “Wow. You got here fast,” she quipped as I stepped into the water. “Heard there was a hot chick in here.” She glanced around. “Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s just me.” I sank into the water next to her, and snaked my arm around her waist. “Hey, none of that. You’re the hottest chick I know.” Leaning over, I stole a kiss on her cheek, and she snuggled into me. It felt good

to know that I could touch her and kiss her without her pulling away. We hadn’t really defined our relationship, and a part of me didn’t want to have that talk. I liked how everything happened organically with us, and I wanted that to continue. However, the thought of her dating anyone else killed me. I knew if I ever saw another guy with his hands on her, I’d pop a freaking fuse. Therefore, I had to know how she was feeling about us. “I had a good time last night.’ “Me too.” She rolled her head, staring up at me lazily. Under the water, I fumbled around with my free arm and found her hand. Knotting our fingers, I ran my thumb over her palm. “I want to do it again.” “Go to the club?” “Go out with you,” I clarified. “I don’t care where.” “I’d like that too.” She straightened, lifting her head. I thought that would be enough, but it wasn’t. I had to know that she was mine. “Can I pick you up for school in the morning?’ “Don’t you have practice after school?” I cocked an eyebrow. “You know my practice schedule?” “Yeah, because I’m stalking you,” she said sarcastically. “Don’t look so excited. I have marching band practice on Monday nights, and sometimes I see the football team finishing up practice when I drive in.” “Practice isn’t right after school. I have enough time to drop you at home first.” “I don’t want you to go to all that trouble.” She wiped the dampness from her face with her free hand. “I want to drive you, Chloe. It’s important to me.” I squeezed her hand. “Okay.” A skeptical expression crossed her face, but she smoothed it out with an easy smile. “If it means that much to you, then you can pick me up.”

CHAPTER 18

Chloe This morning I was on cloud nine. Yesterday I was unsure of why Holden was so desperate to give me a ride to school today. But this morning as we walked onto the campus hand in hand, it became crystal clear. He wanted everyone to know we were together. He was staking his claim. Normally this type of male dominant behavior would irritate me. But Holden wasn’t controlling like that. I knew he didn’t mean it in that dog-peeing-to-mark-his-territory kind of way. No, he meant it in the sweetest way possible. In the same way that he had at the game, he was proving that he was proud of me. And that meant a lot. However, my good mood crashed at lunchtime. No longer was I soaring above the clouds, all giddy and carefree. It was one thing to walk into school together and disperse at our lockers, it was quite another for me to merge with his group. When Holden and I were alone, I fit in with him perfectly. However, I wasn’t sure I fit in with his friends. And I wasn’t sure they wanted me to. When Holden insisted I eat with him, I’d been excited. But now that I was at his table surrounded by the jocks and cheerleaders, I found my gaze slipping back to the band table with longing. So far Holden was the only person who’d paid any attention to me. It was like once I’d sat on this bench, I’d become invisible. Like I’d donned a magical cloak. Only I knew that wasn’t the case. And it sickened me. Ryan was the worst. He hadn’t only ignored me, he’d also thrown me the occasional disgusted glance as if he couldn’t quite figure out what I was doing here. And honestly, I was starting to wonder the same thing. An elbow jammed me in the back, and I flinched, scooting forward. “Oops. I’m sorry,” A girl’s voice said apologetically over my shoulder. Well, at least she could see me.

“It’s okay.” I glanced behind me, instantly recognizing the girl as one of the cheerleaders. She was the one who was glaring at me when Holden ushered me off the field last week. My stomach tightened. “Oh, you’re the new girl, right?” She smiled kindly, and it threw me off guard. I peered at Holden, but he was deep in conversation with Ryan and a guy named Sawyer. Sighing, I thrust my hand toward the girl. “Chloe.” She shook my hand. “Bethany.” Her eyes flickered over to Holden. “So you and Holden, huh?” Pressing my lips together, I nodded. “Well, if you ever want someone to talk to you, I’m here. I know what it’s like to date Holden.” Bethany slid onto the bench beside me, the scent of vanilla drifting under my nose. My insides coiled into knots. At the beginning of lunch I’d been hungry, but now I couldn’t eat a bite. I shoved my sandwich away. “You two used to date?” Bethany was everything I wasn’t - popular, gorgeous, blond, bubbly. “Yeah, all last year.” She leaned in close, whispering as if we were best friends. “I feel terrible, but I broke his heart.” When she shrugged it didn’t seem like she felt terrible. “I fell in love with someone else. What are you gonna do? The heart wants what it wants.” She giggled. “Isn’t that a song? If not, it totally should be. Anyway, I think it’s great that he’s finally dating someone else. I was worried he’d never get over me. Especially after our talk last week in the halls. It was clear he’s still pretty tore up about the fact that I cheated.” My head spun. He was talking to her last week? Did he want to get back together with her? And why did she seem so proud about the fact that she’d cheated on him? Everything about this conversation caused my insides to scream. All I wanted was to get off this bench and get the hell out of here. “Hey, Beth. What’s going on?” Ryan stood directly behind me. “You making friends with band chick over here?” “Ryan,” Holden’s voice rang out like a warning shot. I held my breath. “Don’t let Ryan get to you. He’s an ass to everyone,” Bethany muttered in my direction, wrinkling her nose. “Except for Holden. He’s good to Holden.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, reaching toward the floor, trying to locate my backpack. It was clear that I didn’t belong here. I didn’t know Holden. Not the way the rest of them did. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to get to know him if it meant hanging out with these people. Snatching my backpack off the ground, I stood. “You’re not leaving, are you?” Bethany asked sweetly but there was a flash in her eyes that told me this was exactly what she was hoping. It made me want to plant myself right down on the bench. But then I caught Ryan glaring in my direction and it propelled me forward. Sitting at this table was like swimming with sharks. And I was worried that if I stayed they’d rip me to shreds. Spinning around, I hurried away from them. “Chloe,” Holden’s voice followed me. Blowing out an exasperated breath, I turned. “What’s going on?” Reaching out, he slid his hands up my arms. I shivered. “I don’t fit in with your friends, Holden.” His eyes darkened. “What did Bethany say to you?” “Nothing. She was fine.” “Was it Ryan?” His jaw clenched. I shook my head. “Cause he might be my best friend, but I’ll kick his ass if he’s mean to you.” The last thing I wanted was for him to fight his best friend for me. Even if I didn’t get their friendship, I didn’t want to stand in the way of it. “I don’t know if this is going to work out. I’m sorry.” “No.” His fingers closed around my arms, and he stepped closer. My heart hammered. “We have a connection, Chloe. Don’t you feel it?” Head spinning, I nodded. “Then you know we can’t walk away from it.” “But…” My gaze slid over his shoulder, landing on his table. “Look at me.” I did what he said, his dark eyes swallowing me up. “I don’t care if no one else understands what’s going on between us. That doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is what you think, okay?”

“Okay.” “What do you think, Chloe?” I swallowed, thinking. “I….I like you, Holden.” “I like you too.” “You’ve said that before.” I grinned. “And I’ll keep saying it. I’ll say it as many times as I need to.” His hands slid up my arms and rested on my shoulders. “I want us to be together.” “Are you asking me to go steady?” I chuckled, feeling like I was in one of those cheesy eighties movies. “Whatever we have to call it for you to be all mine.” His fingers played with my hair. All my earlier doubts started to disappear until I caught Bethany staring at us. Was that why he was pushing this whole thing with me being all his? Was it because he’d been cheated on? “What are you thinking? Talk to me.” “I don’t know. It’s all just happening so fast, I guess.” “I’m sorry.” Disappointment flashed in his eyes. “I know I promised you we’d take things slow. I guess I just never liked anyone like this before.” “Not even Bethany?” The words burst from my mouth, my conversation with her fresh in my mind. He recoiled like he’d been slapped. “So she did say something to you. Let me guess, she told you how she cheated on me.” “I’m so sorry,” I spoke gently, wishing I’d never brought her up at all. “I know it must have been hard on you.” “Not in the way that you’re thinking.” Holden shook his head. “I mean, yeah, I was mad that she cheated on me. Of course. But it was more because my pride was injured. Not because I didn’t want to lose Beth.” My stomach knotted at the use of her nickname. It showed familiarity, and for some reason that bothered me. Holden continued, “The truth is that I was relieved when Beth and I broke up. I know that sounds

awful, but we weren’t good for each other. She may have been the one to cheat on me, but I gave her plenty of reasons to. We both screwed up our relationship.” He stepped closer to me. “I wasn’t into her. Not the way I’m into you.” I wanted to melt into him, but I needed to be sure. “But she said that you were trying to get her back last week.” His face hardened. “She said that?” Biting my lip, I nodded. “She’s lying. She approached me last week. Not the other way around.” His hand reached out and touched my face. “Who are you gonna believe? Me or her?” I didn’t even have to think about it. “You.” He pressed his lips to my forehead, and I sighed deeply. “Hey, wanna go sit with your friends?” He asked. I drew back and stared up at him, confused. His arms fell away from my body. “I’ll come with you.” He smiled, snatching up my hand. “You don’t have to. You can go back and be with your friends.” I hated making him choose between us. That wasn’t the kind of person I was. “I want to be with you. It doesn’t matter to me where that is.”

CHAPTER 19

Holden The energy radiating through the stadium was contagious. It was so thick you could feel it like a tangible thing. As our team took to the field, my heart raced. We were playing our rival team tonight, and I wanted to win so bad I could hardly stand it. Victory was just within my reach, and it would be so sweet. Ryan jogged beside me in his football gear, his expression unreadable. I expected him to be cocky tonight, but ever since he’d stepped into the locker room his demeanor had been off. Something had happened, and if I had to take a guess I would say he had a run-in with his dad before coming here. I knew better than to press him about it though, so I’d help him the only way I could. “Ready to kick some ass?” I shouted through my helmet. “Hell yeah.” Turning to me, he flashed a confident smile. “I’m gonna wipe the floor with Kade and his drones.” I chuckled, slapping him on the back. Sawyer jogged up beside us. “Hey, Riddles,” Ryan greeted him. “Did you see the new guy?” Sawyer asked. “He’s huge.” My chest tightened. The secret weapon Kade bragged about? I raised an eyebrow toward Ryan. Ryan turned around, scouring the field. “Doesn’t matter. We can take all of those losers.” I nodded, his confidence buoying me. No matter what happened, Ryan always had my back. There was nothing to worry about. My cleats crunched on the turf as I got in position. When my gaze lifted to the stands, I caught sight of Chloe standing near the fence wearing her marching band uniform. I threw her a smile and a wave, and was satisfied when she returned it. We’d been inseparable all week, but I felt like I could never get enough of her. Ryan had given me shit about it until I warned him to back off. Since then he’d avoided the subject. I knew we’d have to discuss it at some point, but I was in no hurry. Chloe and Ryan were like oil and water. They did not mix. I wasn’t sure they ever would. I wanted them to, but they were both so stubborn. But I figured once Ryan realized how serious I was about Chloe he’d come

around. It’s like I said, he always had my back – on and off the field. The game got off to a great start, and we picked up an early lead. I was feeling pretty good about it until Kade caught up to me. “Don’t get too cocky, Drop ‘em.” He nudged me. I moved away from him. “Want me to get you a pair of glasses so you can see the scoreboard?” “Oh, I can read just fine, thanks.” Kade wore a smug smile. It was like he knew something I didn’t, and it made my stomach sour. I watched him as he jogged toward his teammates. When he reached them he said something, and a few of them glanced over at me. The sick grins on their faces confirmed my fears. Something was going down, and it wasn’t going to be good. A stone descended in my gut as I palmed the ball. The large guy that Sawyer had mentioned honed in on me, narrowing his eyes. Finding Ryan, I nodded my head toward the new guy, hoping he’d read my expression. He bobbed his head back as if he caught my meaning, and I prayed he had. This time I didn’t throw it to Ryan. He was open and in a perfect position to catch the ball, but something kept me from doing that. Instead I threw it to Sawyer who thankfully, caught it and took off running, a trail of players in his wake. He was fast and he zipped in and out of them with ease. My lips curled upward watching him. Out of the corner of my eye, movement caught my attention. My head snapped toward it. The new, big guy was rushing toward me, and I was blinded by momentary confusion. What the hell? I didn’t have the ball. My heart sank. This wasn’t about the ball. It was about me. Their plan was to take me out. I’d never been seriously injured. Guys had tried to take me out, but had never been successful. And I sure as hell wasn’t going down this way. Not in my last high school season. And sure as hell not while playing this team. Taking a deep breath, I moved out of the way, but the guy was still coming toward me. My insides coiled. He was a freaking tank. If he got me, he’d kill me. And I wasn’t sure if I could get away from him. He was on a mission and he seemed intent on his target. Also, he was freakishly fast for a big guy. At the moment that I thought his body would slam into mine, there was a flash of orange and black so fast it blurred past. There was a grunt and snap as the big guy fell on top of someone. Regaining my composure,

I stared down at the ground in front of me. Ryan lie beneath the big guy, his face contorted in pain. Shit. After that everything seemed to happen in slow motion. A whistle blew out, a ref taking the field. When the big guy moved away, I knelt beside Ryan. He was grunting, his leg bent at a funny angle. “You okay, Ry?” He grinned, but it was clearly forced. “Never better.” “Shit, man. What the hell happened?” I glanced up to see our Coaches hurrying in our direction. “Told you I’d have your back, man.” Ryan nudged my knee with his hand. I nodded. It was why I put up with so much when it came to him. We’d always had each other’s backs. I could count on him in a way I’d never been able to count on anyone else. He may have been an ass most of the time, but he was always around when I needed him. Unlike my dad who had abandoned me. I’d never worried that Ryan would do that. Scrambling up off the ground, I moved out of the way when the Coaches attended to Ryan. Pretty soon, a stretcher was brought out and he was carried out of the stadium to the backdrop of cheers. Running a hand over my head, I searched the field for Kade. When my gaze landed on him, I glared hard. This meant war. And I was out for blood.

CHAPTER 20

Chloe I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. The way he took command on the field was possibly the sexiest thing I’d ever seen in my life. I promised him I’d change into my uniform early and try to catch some of the game before the halftime show. But what he didn’t realize was that he never had to ask. I was planning to watch him no matter what. It was thrilling to see him in his element. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. When he threw the ball, I knew the rest of the spectators followed where it went. I could hear the shouts of cheer and encouragement to the guy who caught it. But my eyes never left Holden. I loved the way his muscles flexed when he threw. Loved the way he looked in his uniform. The volume rose around me, but still I couldn’t tear my gaze away from Holden. As I watched him, his demeanor changed, his body tensing. I couldn’t really see his face through his helmet, but I could read his stance. Something was wrong. When I followed his stare I saw a humongous guy charging him. My pulse quickened. What was happening? I didn’t know much about football, but I was pretty sure the only guy that was supposed to get tackled was the guy with the ball. And Holden had released the ball already. Irrationally, I contemplated hollering that out. I imagined it would be something like, “No. He doesn’t have the ball. Go the other way!” However, I had a sneaking suspicion that Big Guy knew Holden didn’t have the ball. Yet, that wasn’t stopping him. Judging by Holden’s reaction, I could tell he knew it too. I stepped forward, momentarily thinking I would race out onto the field to protect him, but I knew that was stupid. One, I wouldn’t get to him in time. Two, what the hell would I do if I did? If Holden wasn’t a match for this guy, then I certainly wasn’t either. I cringed as Big Guy neared Holden. Holding my breath, I prayed he’d be all right. At that very moment, I saw Ryan race toward Holden and Big Guy. Like a superhero he whisked in between them, taking the brunt of the hit. I winced as Big Guy and Ryan fell to the ground.

As Holden fell to his knees beside his friend, it was the first time I’d understood their friendship. In fact, I’d never seen anything like it. There was no reason for Ryan to step in and take that hit. Actually, there was no reason for him to even be on that side of the field. The rest of the team was following the ball while Ryan was busy protecting Holden. I remembered the conversation Holden and I had in the parking lot the afternoon he asked me for another chance. He told me I didn’t know Ryan. That I didn’t understand their relationship. And he was right. Things aren’t always black and white when it comes to people. We all have many shades and colors, many experiences and attitudes that have shaped us. I felt guilty for the relief I felt that Holden hadn’t been injured. Football meant so much to him, and I didn’t want him to lose that. As they wheeled Ryan past me, I felt a rush of gratitude toward him. Without thinking, I raced forward, catching up with the stretcher. “Ryan!” I called out. His head rolled toward me, confusion clouding his eyes. “Yeah?” I stopped short, wondering what I was doing. We’d never even had a conversation before. But I felt like I needed to say something. “That was really cool what you did out there.” “I’d do anything for Holden. He knows that.” His words weren’t exactly friendly. In fact, he sounded more annoyed with me than anything. Still, I was grateful. “Well, thank you.” Gently, I placed my hand on his arm. He furrowed his brows as the guys carrying him moved forward. My hand slipped off his arm as they walked. When I glanced up, I saw Preston standing a few feet away watching me with a hard expression. I sighed and headed over to him. “Hey,” I said. “So, first Holden, and now Ryan, huh?” His tone was bitter, his mouth curving downward. “I’m not dating Ryan, if that’s what you’re asking.” “No, but clearly you’re friends with him.” “Not friends,” I answered. “I guess I just saw him in a different light tonight.” “Why?” Preston scrunched up his nose. “Because he took a hit? He’s a football player. It’s what they do.”

“I just think there’s more to him than what we think. Maybe he’s not the person we thought he was.” “Well, you’re definitely not who I thought you were.” My head swiveled in his direction. “What’s that supposed to mean?” “You said you were my friend. That you would help me. But that was a lie.” When he shoved past me, his shoulder slammed into mine, causing my teeth to slam into my lip. Shock ripped through me, and the metal taste of blood filled my mouth. “Pres,” I called after him. “Just leave me alone.” He waved his hand behind his back. “C’mon.” I followed him. “I mean it. You’ve chosen your side.” His eyes darkened, and I took a step back. Something about his expression scared me, and I allowed him to walk away. Hugging myself, a shiver ran up my spine. Ryan broke his leg and was out for the rest of the season. Holden was pretty upset about it all weekend. I did my best to comfort him, but I wasn’t sure how successful I was. However, I had fun trying. Especially when it involved kissing. Kissing Holden had pretty much become my favorite pastime. In fact, it’s what I was thinking about during lunchtime as Holden ate his sandwich beside me. We were sitting at the band table, and Jasmine and Gianna were talking about some youtuber they were into. I was too busy staring at Holden’s lips to concentrate on anything else. After wiping his mouth with a napkin, he glanced up at me, a knowing smile on his face. “Watcha thinking about?” He asked. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” I joked back. “Yes, actually I would.” I leaned forward, about to confess when a shot rang out. It seemed so surreal at first that I almost thought it was an explosion, like it was a science experiment gone wrong or something. But then I heard screaming, a flurry of activity, and dread sank into

my gut. I’d heard of school shootings before, watched the news about them even. I saw the kids filing out of the school, covering their heads, tears streaming down their faces. But it always happened in faraway states, in schools I’d never heard of. I felt removed from it, like it could never happen to me. Like it only happened to other people. People in my television set, not in real everyday life. But this was real, everyday life. This was my life. This was my school. And I couldn’t believe this was happening. Fear was not something I was super familiar with. I’d never experienced any real trauma in my life. All of my grandparents and family members were still alive. I’d lost a few people I’d known over the years to cancer or old age, but they were mostly acquaintances. Never had I lost anyone I was close with. And my home life was relatively drama free. My parents were too overprotective to let much happen. One year my brother attempted to be rebellious by sneaking out a couple of times and going to a party with friends. But my dad caught him the second time and he was grounded so long he never tried it again. We’d always lived in suburban communities where petty theft and home invasions were the scariest crimes committed. Rarely had I even heard of murders happening, and I’d never heard a gunshot. Not until today. Students sprang into action around me. Some of them leapt under the tables, cowering, while others ran for the doors. A few of the lunch ladies started shouting instructions, but I couldn’t hear a word they said over all of the chaos and noise. Holden jumped up, swinging around. “Oh my god! Ryan!” I followed his gaze. Sure enough, Ryan was slumped over the cafeteria table, dark black blood pooling around him. The students who had been sitting near him were spattered with blood, almost like someone had taken a paint brush and flung it at them. My hand flew to my mouth, bile rising in my throat. Holden’s warm hand lowered to my arm. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” I nodded. My breath was labored as he raced toward his friend. Fighting to breathe, my gaze bobbed to a boy standing near Ryan, a gun in his hand. “Oh, my god.” The air completely left me now, dizziness sweeping over me. As if by its own volition my body moved forward. Jasmine and Gianna’s voices called after me, beckoning me to get out

of here, but I couldn’t stop myself. I felt like I was in a dream and had no control over my actions. Everything was hazy and blurry, my head spinning. I had to be wrong. There was no way it was him. “Preston?” His head snapped to me. So did his gun. I flinched, but held my ground. Horror enveloped me. How could he do this? Whimpering sounded around me, and my chest tightened. I had to make this stop. “Preston.” I reached out my hand. “Put the gun down.” His hands shook. “Step back!” I threw up my arms. “Please just calm down. This isn’t you. I know you’re upset.” My gaze slipped over to Ryan. Oh, god he wasn’t moving at all. Holden was sitting beside him, shaking him and calling his name. I felt sick. “You have no idea what I’m capable of, Chloe,” Preston responded. “C’mon. I’m trying to help you.” A bitter laugh escaped through his lips, and I knew I said the wrong thing. I had promised to help him, and I hadn’t. Now look what happened. Wailing filled the room, and I knew Ryan was gone. Not that I ever thought any differently. There was a flash of movement as a boy lunged at Preston. But he moved quickly, his gun going off again. A squeal shot from my mouth as the boy slumped to the ground, blood spattering. My heart clattered in my chest, and I swallowed down the vomit creeping up my throat. Keeping my head even, I forced myself not to look down at the boy who had just been shot. I knew if I did, I’d lose it. And I couldn’t afford to do that. I had to make sure no more lives were lost. “Everyone stay away!” Preston hollered out, sweeping his gun around the room. “Don’t think I won’t shoot every last one of you. Nobody here is my friend.” Darkness blanketed his eyes. “Look at all of you cowering and scared. Whimpering and praying I won’t take your life. You want to know how many times I was scared? How many times you made my life a living hell? Well, now it’s your turn!” “Preston,” I breathed out, my voice catching as a sob broke through it. “Please stop.” “I’m just getting started.” The gun was trained on me again. He cocked the trigger.

My legs shook, my body trembling. “Preston, you’re not going to shoot me.” “You chose your side, Chloe.” I closed my eyes, preparing for the bullet. I thought of my parents, thought of how hard they had worked to protect me from danger. How they never let me go to parties or stay out late. How they had to meet my friends’ parents before I was allowed to go over to their house. How they had to know where I was at all times. However, even with all the worrying they did, I was certain that they didn’t worry about me when I was at school. Why would they? School was supposed to be safe. My last thought was how I’d never get to say goodbye to them.



CHAPTER 21

Holden When the shot rang out, my first thought was about my mom. For much of my life it had been just the two of us, and I felt like she needed me. But now she had James, so at least I knew she’d be taken care of if anything happened to me. Still, she’d be devastated, and I couldn’t let that happen. I had to survive. No matter what happened, I sure as hell was getting out of this school alive, and I was making sure Chloe did as well. Students were going bat-shit crazy, everyone heading in opposite directions, running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Some kids hid under the tables and some seemed frozen in place as if they’d been zapped into blocks of ice. I always wondered how I’d react in a situation like this. Would I cower like a loser or would I take action? Now I knew. I literally felt numb to fear. All I felt was determination. I would treat this like a football game. And victory would be mine. But when I realized it was Ryan who’d been shot, some of my courage wavered. How would I win this without my wingman? When I saw all that blood, I panicked. I couldn’t lose Ryan now. Not now. Not after everything we’d been through. I knew I shouldn’t have left Chloe, but in that moment I knew I had to get to Ryan. If there was any chance he could live, I had to take it. So I hurried over to him. However, the minute I dropped next to him I knew he was gone. He was too still. There was too much blood. That didn’t stop me from trying though. I shook him, I cried out his name. And I willed him to open his damn eyes. “Say something!” I goaded him. But no sound came out of his mouth. And when I touched his neck, I didn’t feel a pulse. Stunned, the walls closed in around me and I had to fight to keep my fear in check. It didn’t seem real. How could this truly be happening? Who did this? God, I’d been so focused on Ryan I hadn’t even looked for whoever shot him. Sawyer stood beside me, shaking, blood peppering his skin and clothes. He was white as a sheet. “Sawyer, what the hell happened?” “I-i-it was Preston, man. He just came in here, put the gun to Ryan’s head and…” Sawyer

swallowed hard, his neck swelling with the effort. His whole body trembled. “He pulled the trigger. It all happened so fast. I called 911, but…” His gaze flickered to Ryan, unmoving. “I-I think it’s too late, man.” My stomach tightened. It was Preston? I thought about the way he looked at Chloe, like she belonged to him. It had always bothered me, but I thought it was jealousy rearing its ugly head. However, deep down I knew that wasn’t it. Chloe wasn’t interested in him, that much was clear. But he wasn’t right in the head. And if he thought he had a shot with her, then my relationship with her would most likely set him off. A hush fell over the room, fear thick in the air. Glancing around, I spotted Chloe and heaved a sigh of relief. She was all right. But before I could relax I noticed what I missed at first. She was talking to Preston. He stood facing her, pointing a gun in her direction. I prayed that a SWAT team member would walk in the door any minute and tackle the son of a bitch. Where was the police anyway? Sometimes our principal made the rounds during lunch, but I hadn’t seen him today. And the lunch ladies looked like they’d already crapped their pants. No way would they be any help. We were alone in here. Alone and vulnerable. That’s when it hit me. I wasn’t alone. There were hundreds of students in here, and only one shooter. Not only that, but Preston wasn’t a big kid. He was small, scrawny even. So then why was Chloe the only person trying to do something? Everyone else was cowering or hiding under a table. And why the hell was Chloe talking to him? Cleary the guy was a nutjob. There was no way he’d listen to reason at this point. Then again, that was how Chloe was. She saw the good in people, and she always wanted to help. I just worried that this time it would get her killed. I stood, blood covering my palms. Before I could reach Chloe another guy rushed Preston, clearly having the same idea as me. Preston swung his arm in the guy’s direction. It all happened so fast, it was shocking. A bang went off and the guy slumped to the floor, blood spraying the area around him. My body went rigid. Shrieks of horror filled the room. I couldn’t stop staring at the boy lying on the ground, unmoving. Hot and cold flashes ripped up and down my spine. It felt unreal, like a nightmare. No way was this really happening. It was too awful.

The only person in the room who seemed unfazed was Preston. When he swept his arm through the room, students gasped. “Everyone stay away!” He yelled. “Don’t think I won’t shoot every last one of you. Nobody here is my friend. Look at all of you cowering and scared. Whimpering and praying I won’t take your life. You want to know how many times I was scared? How many times you made my life a living hell? Well, now it’s your turn!” I swallowed hard when his aim returned to Chloe. Why was he intent on her? She was speaking softly and I couldn’t hear what she said, but I knew she was still trying to talk him down. And I knew she wouldn’t be successful. Dude was out of his freaking mind. My body buzzed, heating up. After seeing him shoot that boy without any hesitation, I was certain he’d shoot Chloe. And I couldn’t let that happen. I had to get that gun away from him. Sure I may have been stronger than him, but that wouldn’t stop a bullet from tearing through me. I wasn’t made of steel. But I sure as hell wished I was when I went running toward Chloe “You chose your side, Chloe.” Preston’s tone was chilling, and a shudder ran through me. When I saw Preston’s finger pressing down on the trigger, I knew I couldn’t waste another minute. Treating him like a football player, I lunged forward and tackled him to the ground. Pain shot through my arm, sharp and instant when I landed. Shit. I was sure I’d broken my arm. But at least Chloe was still alive. With the pain being so severe in my arm I couldn’t hold Preston down, and he untangled himself from my grasp. Reaching up, I cradled my arm to my side, hoping to alleviate some of the sting. A shadow cast over me as Preston stood, aiming the gun in my direction. “No!” Chloe yelled, and I cursed under my breath. She needed to stay back. Hell, she needed to run away, get to safety. “Run, Chloe!” I demanded. “Get the hell out of here.” I wasn’t surprised when she didn’t leave. That chick was so darn stubborn. In the distance I heard sirens, and Preston’s body stiffened. His eyes widened. Lowering the gun, he whirled around and took off running toward the cafeteria doors. When he was out of sight, I heaved a

sigh of relief. Chloe dropped to her knees beside me. “Are you okay?” I nodded, wincing through the pain. I flinched upon hearing another gunshot coming from outside of the cafeteria. Fear snaking around my heart, I reached for Chloe with my good arm and pulled her close.

CHAPTER 22

Chloe Numb. That’s what I was. In shock. That’s what they said. But it was more than that. I couldn’t feel anything. It’s like I had turned into a block of ice, an intangible object. The girl that had chatted with her friends at lunch and had held hands with Holden while we walked the halls seemed like a completely different person. It was like I was having an out- of-body experience. Like I was a shell of my former self. The only thing I could think about was blood and death. When I closed my eyes, all I saw was Ryan slumped over the table, covered in thick, red, sticky blood. And then I saw Preston lifting the gun toward me. Shaking my head, I willed away all the memories. Even though I knew it was a losing battle. There was no way I’d ever be able to erase the images. When my parents first saw me after the shooting, they gushed about how grateful they were that I was alive. But it was weird because I didn’t feel alive. I felt dead inside. Even as I sat in a chair next to Holden’s hospital bed, our fingers knotted, I still felt that way. Numb. Broken. Dead. “Hey.” Holden squeezed my hand. “Everything’s gonna be all right.” This made me feel even worse. I should be comforting him. Not the other way around. He’d lost his best friend today. Not to mention the fact that he’d been injured. “I’m so sorry. I just can’t believe this happened.” “I know.” Holden’s eyes darkened. It was the first time I’d seen him look sad since I got here. When I first arrived, his mom was hovering. Super weird way to meet her for the first time. If only it had

been under different circumstances. But I could tell that he was putting on a brave face for her. He kept smiling and assuring her that all was well. He seemed to be good at that. At comforting others. And I wanted to do that for him. “How are you feeling? Do you need me to get you anything?” I glanced at the doorway that his mom had exited a few minutes ago to talk to his doctor. I prayed it would be good news. His arm was clearly broken, but he’d had x-rays to be sure it wasn’t more serious than just a simple break. I hoped with everything inside of me that he’d be able to play football again. “Having you here is all I need.” He drew a circle in my palm with his thumb. Lifting his head, his gaze slid over my shoulder, landing on the window. A wistful expression passed over his face. “I’ve never been here as a patient, but I’ve visited Ryan here multiple times. He was always the one getting injured, not me.” Nausea rolled over me. “Oh, Holden. I wish I could say something to make this better, but I don’t know what.” “I don’t expect you to say anything. I was just talking, I guess.” I knew then how I could make him feel better. “He was the risk taker out of the two of you, huh?” “Oh yeah.” Holden grinned, his eyes glassy as if lost in his thoughts. “He was always doing crazy shit. Making bike ramps and jumping off them, leaping from tire swings into the lake, trying to do flips on his skateboard. I wasn’t like that. Football is as risky as it gets for me.” His face grew serious, and he chomped down on his lower lip. “And that was partly because I knew Ryan would always have my back, the way he did at the last game.” I nodded, remembering. It was the closest I’d come to actually liking Ryan, and it made shame rise in me again. Funny how when someone died it was easy to forget the bad about them. I had sort of hated Ryan for most of the time I’d known him. Yet now that he was gone, I felt oddly sympathetic toward him. But I knew that it wasn’t just because he died. It was because he meant something to Holden. I think my sadness had more to do with my feelings for Holden than my feelings for Ryan. “He was larger than life, you know?” There was a catch in Holden’s voice. “It doesn’t seem real that he’s gone.” His eyes shone, and it broke my heart. I swallowed hard, keeping my emotions in check. It wasn’t time to lose my cool. It was time to

stay strong for Holden’s sake. Scooting forward, I put my hand on Holden’s good shoulder. “I know. I’m so sorry.” His head lowered to my hand, and a tear slid down his cheek. I slipped my hand behind his neck and drew him closer. His shoulders shook slightly as I held him. My fingers lightly touched his hair, and I dropped my head to his. We stayed like that for several minutes. The only sound in the room was Holden’s sniffles and deep breaths. I knew he wasn’t the type of guy to show emotion like this, and I was grateful that he felt comfortable enough with me to release it. When he pulled back from me, he frantically wiped at his face with his hands. He forced a smile, but his red, swollen eyes were a reminder of the pain he felt. “I know Ryan brought this on himself, but it doesn’t make it any easier,” Holden said, and his words were like a punch to my gut. It all seemed like a senseless tragedy up until now. He was right. Ryan tormented Preston. This wasn’t a random shooting. It was targeted. And most likely premeditated. I thought of Preston’s words when we spoke at the game on Friday. He said that I’d chosen my side. And he said it again today as he pointed the gun at me. Was his plan to shoot me all along? A chill skittered up my spine. Oh, god, this really was all my fault. My gaze landed on Holden’s arm, and my heart pinched. Breathing deeply, I stared out into the hallway. “I wonder why it’s taking your mom so long.” If it was good news wouldn’t she be racing back here to tell us? “Did the doctor give you any indication about how bad it is?” He shook his head. “I wish you hadn’t tackled him. I’ll never forgive myself if you can’t play football again.” “Don’t say that. Your life is worth more than my arm, Chloe.” He was so sweet, and that should make me happy but for some reason it made me feel worse. “But it’s my fault.” “No, it’s not. I chose to save you. This was my doing. Not yours.” I shook my head. He didn’t understand. “No. You don’t get it.” My voice shook, guilt choking me. “This entire thing is my fault. If it wasn’t for me none of this would’ve happened at all. Ryan and that

other kid would be alive, and you wouldn’t be injured.” I still didn’t know anything about the kid who had jumped in to save us, but I felt sick every time I thought about him and the way Preston shot him without giving it any thought. Agitated, I stood and started pacing. I felt restless, pent-up energy threatening to explode. By the time the police found Preston, he was dead. The shot we’d heard outside of the cafeteria was him shooting himself in the head. Closing my eyes, I felt sick at the sheer senselessness of it all. And I wished once again that I’d been able to help him. “What are you talking about?” Holden sat up a little, readjusting his position. “I promised Preston that I would help him.” “You did help him. I saw how kind you were to him. You were his friend. No one else at the school can say that.” “Exactly. I was his friend.” The heaviness of the day fell on me, and I almost buckled under the weight of it. “But I let him down. I didn’t stop the bullying. In fact, when I started seeing you, I practically ignored him.” “Chloe, trust me. None of this is your fault.” I peered at Holden. At his rich, dark eyes and brown tousled hair. My eyes rested on the hospital bed he lie in, on his broken arm. I dropped my head in my hands, wishing I could scream. Wishing this was all a nightmare that I would wake from any minute, but knowing that it wasn’t. This was reality. As awful as it was, I knew that was true. “I have to go,” I mumbled, feeling lightheaded. “Chloe, wait,” Holden called after me as I started for the doorway. “I’m really sorry about everything, Holden.” With blurred vision, I hurried down the hallway. I weaved in and out of visitors, nurses, and doctors until finally I made my way outside. Not until I was in my car did I allow the rest of the tears to fall. Then I sank into my seat and sobbed until my throat was raw, until tears painted my cheeks and rolled down my chest. I cried for Ryan and Holden. I cried for the end of innocence. For the end of life as I knew it. And then I cried for Preston, begging him to forgive me for letting him down.

Later that evening, I received a text from Holden. The doctor had told him that he’d been lucky. The break would heal in time. He’d be out this season, but most likely would be able to play next year. I breathed out a sigh of relief upon reading that, and texted him back a smiley face. After sending it, I stared down at the emoticon, wishing I could take it back. It seemed to taunt me with its large grin, and it made me feel like a liar. I wasn’t smiling like that. Nothing about me felt happy. But I didn’t know what else to say to Holden. I was glad for his good news. But did I feel smiley? Not even a little bit. When he followed that text with another one, I shut off my phone and crawled into bed. It wasn’t cold inside my house, but for some reason I couldn’t get warm. Pulling the covers up over my head, I cocooned myself inside. Jasmine and Gianna had been calling and texting earlier, but I couldn’t bring myself to respond to anyone. I knew I’d never be able to fall asleep, but I longed for it. Longed to lose myself in sweet dreams. To drift into nothingness. I wondered if that was what Preston wanted. If he desired the same thing. Was that what drove him to do what he did? And more importantly, did he find the peace he desperately wanted? I hoped he had. “Chloe?” Mom’s muffled voice came from outside my bedroom door. “Yeah?” I called from under the covers. “Can I come in?” “Sure,” I responded, because I knew she wouldn’t go away even if I asked her to. I heard the click of the door as it opened, the shuffling of her feet on the carpet. My bed sloped when she sat on it. “Honey, you okay?” “What do you think?” When her hand rested on my legs from outside the comforter, I was sorry for my rude remark. “Wanna talk about it?” I shook my head even though I wasn’t sure she’d be able to tell what I was doing. The covers lifted from my face, my mom’s face coming into view. The genuineness of her expression and the love in her eyes broke me. It was like when I was a kid and I scrambled into her bed after having a nightmare. Back then I thought there was nothing my mom couldn’t fix. And when I got older and kids were mean to

me at school, all seemed right with the world when I came home to have an afternoon snack with Mom. She was the only one who could console me the first time I’d had my heart broken by a boy. And, in this moment, I needed her. “Mom.” I sat up, shoving off my covers. Then I reached out my arms. “Oh, sweetie.” Without hesitation she scooted forward and wrapped her arms around me. I slumped against her, pressing my face into her chest. As I cried, she stroked my hair and spoke soothing words. Tears streamed down my face, soaking her shirt and the ends of her hair. But I couldn’t stop. When I was around ten years old my cat Otis died. I was devastated when Mom told me. Yet, I attempted to stay strong and not cry. But Mom encouraged me to cry. To release my emotions. She told me it was healthy, my body’s natural way of dealing with pain and loss. So that’s what I did today too. I allowed myself to grieve. To feel loss. To feel sadness. To feel pain.

CHAPTER 23

Holden School was closed the remainder of the week after the shooting. Counselors were on-site for parents and students to talk to, but I had no desire to set foot on that campus. I knew I would have to next week, but I was in no hurry to get back. Just the thought of being in that cafeteria turned my stomach. I’d hardly slept since the incident. And when I did sleep it was plagued with nightmares of guns, blood, and dead bodies. Today was Ryan’s memorial service, and I was dreading it with every ounce of my being. Over the last few days there were moments when I could pretend this was all a dream. That I’d run into Ryan next time I went to school. He’d be an ass, and I’d call him on it. Then he’d razz me about football or something. But I knew that after today there would be no pretending. The service would make it all too real. And I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. My arm still hurt like crazy, but it was nothing compared to what I felt inside. Not only had I lost my best friend, but I felt like I’d lost Chloe too. The truth was that I wasn’t sure I ever really had her. But I wanted her. And now it didn’t seem like that would happen. She hadn’t returned any of my phone calls or texts since the night of the shooting. I knew she blamed herself, and I wished there was some way I could make her see that it wasn’t her fault. I wasn’t sure it was any one person’s fault. It seemed to be that the culpability lie with all of us. We all had a hand in what happened this week. Sure, I’d never bullied Preston, but I hadn’t stopped it either. Ryan teased the poor kid endlessly. But did he deserve to die for that? I didn’t think so. Then again, I knew Ryan in a way no one else did. So maybe I was biased. I felt bad for Preston, but I didn’t think anything justified what he did. Still, I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. I wish I had the opportunity to help Preston. Maybe even be his friend. Too bad it had to take this kind of tragedy for me to feel this way. But I’d never been as kindhearted as Chloe. That’s why it killed me that she thought this was her fault. She was the kindest person I knew. She didn’t deserve to feel the way she did right now. Honestly, I understood why Preston went after Ryan. Sure, I didn’t agree with it, but I got it. He must have been

plotting his revenge against Ryan for years. But I’d never understand why he went after Chloe. She’d done nothing but treat him nicely. “Ready, Holden?” Mom entered my bedroom wearing a simple black dress, her hair swept back. “Can you help me with my jacket?” I asked. “Of course.” She snatched my black jacket off the bed and assisted me in putting it on. Having full range of motion in my arm was something I’d never take for granted again. I wondered if I’d ever get used to this cast. I had to wear a short-sleeved shirt since my dress shirt didn’t fit over it. And now the jacket didn’t either, so Mom draped it over my arm and helped me secure the sling. It looked stupid, but it would have to do. “You look nice,” she said, and I figured it was the obligatory mom thing to say. James appeared in the doorway. “We better get going.” Mom nodded and moved toward him. After one last glance in the mirror, I followed them. When I got in the hallway, James stopped me. Mom was already nearing the front door. “I know we’ve gotten off to a rocky start,” James said, “and I know I’m not your dad, but if you ever need a man to talk to, I’m here for you.” I cleared my throat, not wanting to lose it quite yet. I’d save that for the ceremony. “Thanks. I appreciate that.” “You guys coming?” Mom called. “Yes,” James answered her, and together we headed down the hallway. It was grey and dark outside, clouds looming overhead. As I shivered, I thought about how fitting it was. The day of the shooting it had been warm and sunny. It seemed wrong that the sky could be cheery when something so horrific was happening. Normally I hated colder weather, and I despised the rain and wind. But I found myself hoping for rain today. Hoping the heavens would open up and pour water down on us. Flood the whole damn town. I didn’t care. Maybe it would be good. Maybe it would wash us all clean. However, it never rained on the way to the church. When we arrived, the parking lot was full. I recognized many students from the school huddled together. Near the entrance to the church I spotted

Ryan’s mom, and my heart stopped. I’d been to Ryan’s house countless times over the years, and while I couldn’t stand his dad, I always got along well with his mom. She was friendly and easy to talk to. But I had no idea how to speak with her today. What did you say to someone who’d just lost their son? I exited the car and mournfully headed toward the church. I caught sight of Bethany, but when she waved in my direction I lowered my head and ignored her. The last person I wanted to see right now was Bethany. “Hey, man.” Sawyer slapped me on the back. “Hey.” It was odd seeing Sawyer in a suit. Even odder that Ryan wasn’t here to call him Riddles. Everything about this felt wrong. “How’s your arm?” Mom and James passed us. Mom threw me a look to make sure I was okay. I waved her on. “It’s all right. It’ll heal. Not in time to finish up this season, but hopefully I can play next year.” It worried me that I’d been injured my senior year. My goal had always been to play college in football, and now I wasn’t sure that would happen. But my concerns seemed insignificant when I was about to attend my best friend’s memorial service. Ryan would never go to college. He’d never throw a football again. His injuries would never heal. “Sorry about that, bro.” “Thanks.” I sucked in a breath. People were making their way inside. Sawyer glanced at the church. “It doesn’t seem real, does it?” “Not at all.” “I wish it wasn’t.” “Me too, man.” I took a step forward, steeling myself for the service when I saw her. She was walking from the parking lot wearing a short black dress, her head down, her hair obscuring her face. “Hey, I gotta take care of something. Head on in. I’ll be there in a minute.” Sawyer nodded and walked off. I raced toward Chloe as fast as I dared with my injured arm. I had to be careful not to jostle it too much. “Chloe,” I hollered as I neared her.

Her head whipped toward me. “Holden.” Hearing her say my name was like a balm to my soul. For the first time in days I felt my chest expand. “I’m glad you came.” She looked around nervously. “I wasn’t sure if I should, but it felt like the right thing to do.” I stepped forward, my fingers closing around one of her arms. She flinched, but didn’t pull away. “Have you watched the news at all?” “Not really. I don’t need to. I know what happened.” I knew the demons in her eyes reflected my own. We’d seen unspeakable things. Things no one should ever have to see. And I understood her need to not be reminded of it. “Preston was sick, Chloe. He’d been obsessed with violence and revenge for years.” Agitated, she shook her head. “I don’t want to hear this. It’s not why I came. I just want to put it all behind me.” “That’s what I’m trying to help you do.” “By throwing it in my face?” Her voice rose and her gaze shifted. A few people looked over at us. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I don’t want to cause a scene. Why don’t we go inside and pay respects to your friend?” Music sounded from inside. I sighed. “Sit with me.” She paused. “Please?” “Fine.” I snatched up her hand and guided her inside. We found some empty seats in a pew near the back and slipped into them. Chloe tugged on the bottom of her dress, pulling it down over her legs. The black dress against her pale skin reminded me of the first time we met – of her black bikini. If only we could go back to then. Go back to when things were simple. Go back to when life was carefree.

CHAPTER 24

Chloe I told myself I was going to Ryan’s memorial service because it was the right thing to do. But who was I kidding? I wanted to see Holden, plain and simple. However, it seemed wrong to be thinking about a boy when people had lost their lives this week. Our school had suffered a horrible tragedy, and that was so much more important than my crush on a boy. Still, I ended up going to the church. And now I was glad I had. Holden was genuinely happy to see me when I showed up. He held my hand through the entire service as if drawing strength from my presence. When it ended, he made me promise to wait for him so we could talk. I wanted to say no. Holden had so much on his plate right now. Worrying about me shouldn’t be something he had to concern himself with. But when his eyes met mine, I couldn’t refuse him. Instead, I nodded and headed outside to wait while Holden spoke to Ryan’s family. Hugging myself, I shivered. I stayed close to the church, hidden under the large awning. The clouds were even darker than when I’d arrived. It looked like it would rain any minute. Cold wind blew over my skin, causing goosebumps to rise on my arms. “Hi, Chloe.” I looked up to see Holden’s mom approaching. “Hi.” “It’s nice to see you again.” She surprised me by flashing a genuine smile. I figured she’d hate me. I was the reason her son had been injured, after all. “Nice to see you again too,” I answered honestly. From over her shoulder I caught Bethany and her friends peering at me. It made me even more grateful to be chatting with Holden’s mom. A nice-looking man wearing a suit came to join us. “James, this is Chloe. She’s a…” Holden’s mom stopped as if trying to figure out what to call me. “a friend of Holden’s.” “Nice to meet you.” James stuck out his hand.

“You too.” I shook his hand. Holden swaggered up behind him. I couldn’t help but appreciate how good he looked in his suit. Remembering where I was, I shook away the thoughts. Holden placed a hand on his mom’s shoulder. “Are you ready?” His mom asked. “Um…” he glanced over at me, a question in his eyes. “I think I’ll catch a ride with Chloe.” My stomach flipped. “If that’s okay with you?” He raised a brow. I hesitated, but those dark eyes won me over every time. “Okay.” “Be careful.” His mom pointed her finger at him. Then she turned to me. “Make sure he doesn’t overexert himself. He needs to be careful with his arm.” “I’ll make sure of it.” I nodded. She blew out a reluctant breath. “All right. Be home soon.” After patting his cheek, she and James headed out into the parking lot. “Thank you.” Holden grinned at me. “Mom’s been breathing down my neck for days. I needed a break.” “Glad I could be of service.” It was weird bantering with him like nothing had happened. Like this huge event hadn’t ripped our world apart. “Wanna get outta here?” I nodded. More than anything. We got in my car, and I immediately turned on the heater. Warm air spilled from the vents, warming my icy fingers. Since I still wasn’t entirely familiar with Folsom, Holden directed me and we drove out to the lake. After parking, we walked down near the water and sat on picnic bench. I wasn’t sure what we were doing out here. It wasn’t exactly the kind of weather for an outdoor activity. As the clouds rolled overhead, the sky around us turned even darker. Wind whipped through the trees. Holden moved closer to me, wrapping his good arm around me and drawing me toward him until my back was flush against his chest. “I’ve missed you,” he said.

I wanted to tell him I’d missed him too, but the words lodged in my throat. “Why have you been avoiding me?” He asked. Way to get right to it. I stared out at the water. It rippled in the breeze. The scent of damp earth washed over me. “I guess I just feel so bad about everything that happened.” “Chloe, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. Like I was trying to tell you before. The police have been investigating, and according to the news reports, Preston has been planning something like this for a long time. Long before you came to town. In fact, a couple of years ago he was suspended for threatening to shoot up the school during an assembly.” I stiffened. That’s what Jasmine and Gianna had alluded to awhile back when they were warning me to stay away from Preston. “If he was a danger, why was he still at this school? And better yet, why wasn’t the school doing anything about the bullying?” Holden shook his head. “Apparently the bullies were talked to. They apologized and said they’d stop.” I was shocked at the ignorance of the school staff. “And Preston had been forced to see a school counselor for awhile, but apparently she thought he’d made great progress.” “Yeah. Clearly.” I snorted. “And it’s not like he had a weapon or anything,” Holden continued. “His house was apparently searched at the time of his suspension and they found nothing incriminating. It sounds like they’d just chalked it up to a kid getting angry and lashing out.” The whole thing was baffling to me. “It’s sickening that no one tried to help him even after he’d clearly been crying out for it.” “You did.” His grip on me tightened. “You tried to help him. Don’t ever forget that.” “But it wasn’t enough.” Disentangling myself from Holden, I sat up. “And now everything is ruined.” “No, everything is not ruined. We’re still here.” He scooted toward me, his hand lighting on my face.

Tears filled my eyes. “I can’t do this, Holden.” I pulled back. “Do what?” “This.” I pointed between us. “Why not?” “It just doesn’t seem right. Not now. Not after everything that’s happened.” “I think it’s right because of what happened.” He reached for me again, his hand curving around my face. It felt good, and I didn’t want to pull away. “If I’ve learned anything this week, it’s that life is fleeting. You have to grab hold of things while you still have the chance. I’ll never have another opportunity to talk to Ryan, or apologize to Preston. But you and I still have moments left. Moments we can spend together.” He moved so close his warm breath fanned over my face. “Chloe, when Preston pointed that gun at you, I realized how much I cared about you. How much I didn’t want to lose you. And I still don’t.” I thought about what Holden had sacrificed to save me. How he risked his chance of ever playing football for me. “I don’t want to lose you either.” “Then stop pushing me away. Let me help you.” His lips brushed over my cheek. “Let’s help each other.” I felt heady. A small raindrop hit my face, and then another and another. Dropping my head back, I stared up at the clouds just as they opened up, rain pelting my skin. Warm lips skated across my neck. I inhaled sharply. Lowering my head, I stared into Holden’s eyes. They were filled with a hunger that warmed my insides. His fingers slipped beneath my hair as his lips crashed into mine. There was nothing soft about his kiss. It was deep and hard and stole my breath. Rain cascaded over us as his mouth moved deftly, skillfully over my lips. My hands gripped his shirt, clinging to him as if my life depended on it. In his kiss, he released all his pain and desperation, and I realized he was saving me once again. He was saving me with every push and pull, every tender touch. And he was reminding me that I was worthy of pleasure and happiness. That in the midst of pain there can be beauty.

CHAPTER 25

Holden The rain was drenching us, but I didn’t care. This was the most alive I’d felt in days. With Chloe’s lips pressed to mine, all of the sadness of the week disappeared. Her hands touched my chest, gripping my shirt, and in her need for me I gathered strength. As our kiss deepened, I lost myself in it. The images that had haunted me all week vanished. I shut down my thoughts and focused in on my feelings. On Chloe’s touch, on her tongue in my mouth and the softness of her lips. When we parted, I stared into her eyes and ran my fingers over her face. My fingertips slid over her soft flesh, memorizing every inch of it. I wanted to stay here forever. However, I knew I needed to get Chloe out of here before she froze. Also, I wasn’t supposed to get my arm wet. I even had to wear a bag in the shower. Right now it was encased in the sling and hidden under my jacket, but with the rain coming down so hard I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep it dry much longer. Reluctantly, I moved back. “Let’s get outta the rain.” Chloe nodded, sliding off the bench. When I stood, I snatched up her hand, and together we headed toward the car. Once inside, Chloe rubbed her palms together, her teeth chattering. “I’m sorry,” I said, feeling bad that she was so cold. “I should’ve gotten you in here sooner.” She turned to me with a smile. “I’m not sorry.” God, she was amazing. Leaning forward, I kissed her softly on the lips. Her eyelids fluttered as I exerted a little more pressure. Before I knew it, her lips were parted and our tongues melded together. Kissing was like breathing with Chloe. It came so easily, happened so seamlessly. “Don’t run away from me again,” I spoke against her mouth. “I won’t.” Hot breath fanned my lips. When we broke apart, Chloe started the car. Heat filled the car as she drove away from the lake. I savored the warmth, a chill working its way up my spine. Chloe flicked on the windshield wipers and they squeaked over the front window as they swept back and forth. Rain beat down relentlessly against

the roof of the car like a manic drumbeat. “How’s your arm?” Chloe kept her hands on the steering wheel, her gaze trained forward. “You sound like my mom,” I joked. “I’m just worried about you, you know…” her voice trailed off and I knew what she was thinking. “Hey, I don’t regret what happened, and I don’t want you to either.” “I can’t help it. I feel terrible.” “Don’t. If I had to do it all over again, I’d do the same thing. I’m glad I saved you,” I said honestly. “I never said thank you,” she practically whispered. “But I am so grateful. What you did…” her voice wavered. “It was incredible. Very heroic.” “You don’t have to thank me.” I stared out the window. “What I did wasn’t heroic. It was selfish. I did it because I couldn’t imagine losing you.” Her head swiveled in my direction. “You risked your life for me. No matter what the reason was, in my book it’s heroic.” I nodded, not wishing to challenge her on it. “Where do we go from here?” she asked. I shrugged. “Forward.” “How do we do that, though?” She quickly swiped at her face. I wasn’t sure if she had started crying or if she still had rain on her cheek. I suspected it was both. “How do we get past what happened?” “I don’t know. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I only know that we have to try to move on.” We neared a stop sign and she gently eased on the brake. When we stopped she turned to me. “I’m glad I came today.” “I’m glad you did too.” I wanted to stay home on Monday, but I knew I had to go to school. The longer I stayed out, the harder it would be to go back. Therefore, I needed to attend. I rode with Chloe. I still hadn’t driven

anywhere. I was sure that I could, but Mom didn’t like the idea of me driving one-armed. As Chloe drove, her legs bounced nervously. I wanted to console her, but I didn’t know how. Surely she wasn’t dreading this anymore than I was. When we approached the school, Chloe’s eyes widened, and I inhaled sharply. God, it was a madhouse. Dozens of people stood outside of the school holding signs. Some were antibullying posters, while others spouted off sayings about gun safety. My stomach clenched. Chloe’s eyes were steely, her mouth pressed together in a tight line as she hurried past them into the parking lot. “Do they really think they’re helping?” “I’m sure they think they are.” “Well, they’re not,” she snapped. “Hey.” With my good arm, I set a calming hand on her leg. “Easy.” She blew out a breath. “Sorry. I’m just on edge.” “We both are.” I squeezed her thigh. “But we’re gonna be okay.” She nodded, her eyes filled with trust. I loved how much she trusted me. How much she relied on me. So far this experience had bonded us, and I hoped that continued. Only time would tell. And today would be a major test to what we could withstand. So far we’d been alone. Surrounded by friends and classmates would be a different story. After getting out of the car, I reached for my backpack. Mom had tried to talk me into getting a rolling one, but there was no way. That would be so lame. Still, I could see her point. It was difficult to carry my backpack on only my left shoulder. Chloe offered to take it from me, but I wouldn’t let her. What kind of guy let his girl carry his backpack? As I walked through the parking lot I remembered all the times I’d been out here with Ryan. My insides coiled, and I forced a deep breath. No doubt memories of Ryan would linger everywhere in this school, but I had to push through it. Chloe tucked her hand in mine. I flashed her a smile as we walked onto the campus. I held tightly to her, appearing braver than I felt. My insides were shaking like jello, but I remained steady on the outside. The closer we got to the front doors, the paler Chloe became. “You all right?” “Yeah,” she spoke so softly I could hardly hear her.

When we stepped into the hallway, I caught sight of Sawyer and a few of the other guys standing near their lockers. I bobbed my head in their direction. Chloe stopped, her body going rigid. When I followed her gaze, my stomach dropped. She was staring at Preston’s locker, and all color had drained from her face. Shit. She swayed on her feet, so I quickly wrapped an arm around her waist. Lowering my head, I whispered in her ear, “It’s okay.” She swallowed hard, averting her gaze from his locker. “Chloe!” Jasmine and Gianna scurried toward us. She appeared overwhelmed, so I moved to stand in front of her, acting as a shield. “Hey, girl. I’ve been worried,” Jasmine said. I kept my gaze trained on Chloe to gauge her reaction. She gave me a smile and slight nod as if to let me know she was good. “I’m fine. Sorry I didn’t return any of your calls,” Chloe responded to her. That’s my girl. Even in the midst of everything she’s still so sweet, always thinking of others. “It’s okay. We understood.” Jasmine smiled sympathetically. Then she glanced up at me. “How are you?” “I’ll live,” I said, and then regretted it. “Sorry. Poor choice of words.” “Thanks for saving our friend,” Gianna said. “No need to thank me.” I drew Chloe to my side. “I’d do anything for this girl.” Jasmine and Gianna audibly sighed. “Well, we’re just glad you’re okay,” Jasmine said, grabbing Chloe’s arm. “It’s all so crazy.” “Yeah, it really is,” Chloe agreed. I marveled at how awkward we all were behaving. But I guess it was to be expected. I wasn’t sure any of us knew what to do at this point. How did you discuss something so horrific? What were the right words? I wasn’t sure there were any.

CHAPTER 26

Chloe It was Friday, and I’d been walking around in a daze all week. But I’d survived. We all had. We’d made it through a week of firsts. Our first time walking the halls after the shooting. Our first time in the cafeteria after the shooting. Our first time in our classes after the shooting. That’s how it was referred to – as “the shooting.” Calling it that gave us the sense we were removed from it. Like you pictured a sniper on the roof, or a random guy speeding by in a car. Not a kid you went to school with, that you knew by name, that you’d chatted with, that you had in class. Preston was hardly ever brought up, but when he was it was in a negative way. However, the antibullying picketers outside of the school told me that he still had some sympathizers. I waffled between feeling sorry for him and hating him. Mostly, though, I just wished last week had never happened. That I could magically go back in time and fix everything. Stop it from ever taking place. But thinking like that wasn’t getting me anywhere. I had to learn to accept it. Rounding the corner, I was grateful to step outside. Taking a deep breath, I inhaled the crisp scent of fall air. A few trees swayed in the breeze, their burnt orange leaves scattering in the wind. I liked the idea that the old was being shed to make room for the new. “Hey,” a girl’s voice cut into my thoughts. I looked up. “Oh.” Even though I tried to hide my disappointment I was sure it showed. “Hey, Bethany.” It wasn’t that I disliked her. I didn’t even know her. But I didn’t trust her. We’d only had one conversation, and it hadn’t been the most pleasant one. After the week I’d had I wasn’t in the mood for another one like that. “I just wanted to say that it was really brave what you did trying to talk to Preston like that,” she said. A lot of kids had made similar statements over the past week, although I think most of them thought

I was crazy. No one else was willing to risk their lives to help Preston. In fact, every other student at this school hid until it was all over. Even when I gave my statement to the police I could tell that they thought I made the wrong choice. We’d been taught to hide, to keep ourselves safe. What I’d done was reminiscent of a bad horror movie where the girl goes toward the danger instead of away from it. The thing is that I didn’t see it that way. Preston had been my friend. When I initially started talking to him I never thought my life was in danger. I never thought he’d intentionally hurt me. Now I knew I was wrong. “Thanks,” I responded. “I mean, you could’ve been killed,” she went on. “Might have been if Holden hadn’t stepped in when he did,” I added. “Well, it’s the least he could do.” Her words surprised me. “What does that mean?” “I mean, if it weren’t for him Preston never would’ve hurt you.” She tossed a strand of hair over her shoulder. Warning bells went off in my head. A voice deep down was urging me to leave, to not listen to another word she said. But the other part of me was curious. And in the end curiosity won out. “I don’t understand.” “You and Preston were friends, right?” Bethany asked. I nodded. “So didn’t you think it was a little weird that he would threaten to shoot you?” “We had gotten into a little argument on Friday night.” I shrugged. “Let me guess, it was about your involvement with Holden. Am I right?” Her eyes sparkled in the sunlight. The wind lifted her hair and it sprayed across her face. Reaching up, she brushed it away. “Yeah, but that’s not Holden’s fault. I chose to date him.” “He didn’t have to rub it in Preston’s face though.” Her smile was calculated and it made my blood run cold. She knew something I didn’t. Something I should have known. “Not that you can blame him. It was obvious to everyone that Preston had a thing for you, and Holden just wanted to make sure he

knew that you were his, not Preston’s.” The earth spun beneath my feet like I was on one of those spinning rides at the fair. I took deep breaths to regain my bearings. Had Holden set this whole thing off? Why hadn’t he told me? “Are you okay?” Bethany asked, her voice sugary sweet. I wanted to punch her in the face. “Fine,” I spoke through gritted teeth. “I have to go.” Spinning away from her, I hurried toward my car. When I reached it, Holden was leaning against the side, his leg bent. He looked like he had just stepped out of a magazine. The only flaw was his cast. The rest of him was perfect. But even his heartstopping good looks weren’t going to work for him today. “Hey, Chloe.” He smiled when I approached. Keeping my lips together, I didn’t say a word. Just jammed my key into the driver’s side door and unlocked the car. “Chloe? What’s going on?” His brows furrowed. “I think you should get a ride with Sawyer or one of your other friends.” I hopped into the car and started to close the door. But Holden was fast, and he blocked it. “Tell me what happened.” “Bethany told me about your conversation with Preston about us.” “What conversation?” He appeared genuinely confused, and it perplexed me. But I powered on. “She said that you thought Preston had a thing for me so you made sure that he knew I was yours.” “I never talked to Preston about us, Chloe,” he said. I froze. “Why would she lie about that?” “Because it’s what Beth does. She lies. She likes to stir up trouble.” Holden stepped back. “I guess the more important question is, why do you keep believing her over me?” When he turned away, I felt like a jerk. “I’m sorry,” I called after him. “I don’t know why I believed her.” “When you figure it out, give me a call.”

A stone descended in my gut when I watched him walk away. I felt like I’d stepped back in time when I entered my house after school. The scent of chocolate chip cookies permeated the air. Following it, I went into the kitchen. Mom stood over the counter, a plate of cookies and two large glasses of milk sitting in front of her. “I thought you could use a little chocolate therapy this week,” she replied to my questioning stare. When I was younger my mom would have cookies and milk waiting for my brother and me every Friday afternoon. But when Cole reached high school it started waning off. I think Cole and I felt like we were too old for cookies and milk with Mom. But she was right. This week, it was exactly what I needed. “Besides, your brother wanted some,” she added. My heart leapt. Cole stepped out from behind the pantry door. “Cole!” I squealed, racing toward him. “I didn’t know you were coming this weekend.” I threw my arms around him and he hugged me back. “Wasn’t planning to, but then I heard what happened.” Heart softening, I drew back and looked up at him. He hadn’t changed much. Still had the same dark hair and eyes, the same easy smile. He looked a little older, and there was a light dusting of hair on his chin, as if he hadn’t been remembering to shave. “Figured I’d come home and make sure you were all right.” He smiled. “Thanks,” I said softly. Moisture pricked at my eyes, but I blinked it away. All this time I’d wondered if Cole thought of me at all. By coming here, he’d proven that he did. That we were just as close as we’d always been. Moving over to the counter, I hoisted myself up on one of the barstools. Mom slid a glass of milk in my direction as I plucked a cookie off the plate. Cole came to sit on the stool next to mine. Then he downed a cookie in one swift bite. It was nice to see that some things never changed. “So, Mom tells me you have a boyfriend.” Cole nudged me in the side with his elbow. Heaviness blanketed me at the mention of Holden. “Yeah,” I muttered sadly. “Uh oh. Do I need to kick someone’s ass?” Cole asked. I chuckled at the mental picture forming in my mind. It wasn’t like my brother was a little guy.

However, he was no match for Holden. “If anyone needs their ass kicked, it’s me.” I bit into my cookie, chocolate coating my tongue. Reaching for my glass, I picked it up and brought it to my mouth. Then I washed down the cookie with the cool, creamy liquid. “What happened?” Mom leaned over the counter, propping herself up on her elbows. After finishing my cookie, I spilled the entire story of what happened after school today. Mom frowned when I stopped talking. “I think Holden asked a good question. Why were you so quick to believe the worst about him?” “I don’t know.” I stared at the counter, my gaze following the lines in the tiles. “Yes, you do,” Mom pressed. Cole leaned his shoulder into mine. “You might as well spill it, Chloe. She’ll get it out of you one way or another.” One side of my lip curved upward. He was right. Mom was the most perceptive person I knew. And she had a way of forcing things out of us. Bending over, I picked at a stray string on my pants. I wound it around my finger. “I guess I just can’t stop feeling guilty about what happened. Deep down, I feel like it’s all my fault, you know?” “Preston made his own choice that day, Chloe,” Mom spoke firmly. “You didn’t force the gun into his hand.” My head snapped up. “But there was some truth to what Bethany said. I do think that Preston might have liked me as more than a friend. He did seem upset when I started dating Holden. And I didn’t help him like I said I would. He was still being bullied.” “You did your best to help him,” Mom assured me. “Did I?” I bit my lip. “I’m just not sure.” “Chloe, when I was in school I got bullied a lot. There was one group of girls in particular that made my life a living hell,” Mom said. Both Cole and I stared at her like she had sprouted an extra limb. It was the first time she’d shared anything like this with us. “But I didn’t bring a gun to school and shoot them. I’m not saying that I don’t sympathize with Preston. Clearly, someone should have stepped in to help

him sooner. I know how hard it is to be bullied, and I can’t imagine what that poor kid went through. But still, he didn’t have to handle it the way he did. And you can’t blame yourself for his actions.” As I nodded in response to Mom’s words, a knock on the door startled me. Craning my neck, I stared out the kitchen window. Sawyer’s car was parked along the curb in front of my house. I recognized it immediately because he was the only guy at our school who drove a purple minivan. Holden explained that it had been Sawyer’s mom’s car before he turned sixteen. Now she drove around a brand new BMW. Poor Sawyer was stuck with the “Barney Mobile” as the guy’s called it, in reference to the children’s character Barney, the purple dinosaur. That’s weird. Why would Sawyer be here? And how did he know where I lived? “S’that the boyfriend’s car?” Cole raised a brow. “No, it’s not.” Shaking my head, I hopped down from the barstool and hurried to the front door. Sawyer’s face was blurred behind the glass. When I opened the door, it became vivid and clear. “Hey,” Sawyer tossed me a hesitant grin. “I’m sorry to just show up like this. Holden told me where you lived.” “Oookay.” I was confused as to why Holden would be giving out my address to his friend’s. Then a panicked thought crossed my mind. “Is he all right? He’s not hurt, is he?” “No. He’s fine.” Sawyer’s head whipped back and forth emphatically. “I needed to talk to you about something. Do you have a minute?” I glanced back toward the kitchen. Both Mom and Cole were peering out into the entryway, clearly eavesdropping. Rolling my eyes, I stepped outside. “Yeah. Let’s talk out here.” After gently closing the door behind me, I leaned my back against it. A loud breath whistled through Sawyer’s teeth, and he ran an agitated hand over his hair. A few strands remained sticking straight up when he took his palm away. “Holden told me about your fight after school.” I tried not to let it bother me that he shared that with Sawyer. I figured maybe he had to in order to get a ride home. His shoulders rose and fell when he took a deep breath. “It wasn’t Holden who talked to Preston

about you and him.” An apologetic expression donned his face. “It was Ryan and me.” His words bowled me over. “Why would you and Ryan talk to Preston about me?” Sawyer’s face paled. “Holden mentioned to Ryan that he thought Preston had a thing for you. I think it was just an innocent comment. You know the kind of thing you say to your friend. But Ryan hated Preston.” “Why?” I wanted there to be reason. Like Preston did something horrible to Ryan. Something that would explain all of this. But Sawyer didn’t give me anything. “I don’t know. He just always thought he was a freak, I guess.” I nodded, disappointment sinking into my gut. “Anyway, Ryan and I approached Preston before the game on Friday night, and Ryan kind of razzed him about his feelings for you. He made it pretty clear that Preston needed to stay away from you because you belonged to Holden.” Sawyer’s face fell. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could go back in time and change everything. It was wrong how we treated Preston. I see that now.” I knew he meant what he said. Shame and guilt were clearly etched on his face. Too bad it didn’t change anything. Too bad we didn’t get do-overs. What was done was done. There was no going back.

CHAPTER 27

Holden I was still angry when she showed up at my house that night. But she looked so hot, it was hard to stay that way. No one else in the world could look that sinfully good in jeans and a t-shirt. But this girl rocked everything she wore. However, no matter how good she looked it couldn’t take away how upset I was. It hurt me that she was so quick to think the worst of me. And to believe a liar like Beth over me added fuel to the fire. In the short time we’d known each other we’d been through a lot, and you’d think that she would trust me by now. How many times did I have to prove myself to her? “Can we talk?” Her voice was small, unsure. So unlike her. I’d never heard her like that, and it caused some of my anger to dissipate. “Okay.” Mom and James had gone out to dinner, so the house was empty and quiet. They’d invited me to come, but I didn’t feel like it. Stepping back, I swept my good arm out in an effort to usher Chloe inside. Timidly, she stepped in. The way she was behaving made me want to grab a hold of her. To kiss her. To wake her up. To see that fire that she carried inside. This shell-shocked, shaky thing in front of me didn’t resemble the girl I’d been dating at all. But I couldn’t bring myself to touch her. Not until I knew how she felt about me. Not until I knew that she trusted me. I closed the front door. Chloe stood near the wall in the entryway as if scared to go any further. Or maybe she didn’t feel welcome. And I wasn’t sure how welcome I wanted her to feel. “Sawyer came by my house.” She clasped and unclasped the hands at her sides. “He told me that it was he and Ryan who talked to Preston. Not you.” “So now you believe me? Because Sawyer said something.” A bitter chuckle erupted from my throat. “Well, good to know you can trust him. Maybe you two should start dating.” “Holden.” She sighed. “It’s not like that.” “Then what is it like?” I snapped. “You believe Beth, who you know is a liar and a cheat, over me. And you only believe me now because my friend vouched for me.”

“It’s more complicated than that.” “Not to me it’s not,” I said. “I trust you unequivocally. I would never believe someone else over you. But you don’t feel the same way about me.” I shrugged. “That’s crystal clear.” “I do trust you, Holden.” “You have a funny way of showing it.” “You’re right.” She hung her head. “What I did wasn’t fair to you.” Pausing, she sucked in a breath. Licking her lips, she tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear, and despite the way I felt, I ached to kiss her. “I was making you pay for other people’s sins, and that was wrong.” I cocked my head to the side. “Who else’s sins?” “Just other guys.” Chloe shrugged. My insides knotted. “What other guys?” She was silent a moment, and my mind spun. Before she even spoke I was ready to kick some ass. I fisted my hands at my sides, ready to sucker punch any guy who’d ever hurt Chloe. “You want to know why I was so hell bent on helping Preston?” Sadness flickered in her eyes. “It’s because I was him. At my last school and the one before that. I was teased and bullied for years. Not physically the way he was, but mentally. I was called fat and ugly. And guys played pranks on me, like placing bets on who could trick me into thinking they liked me and stuff.” Her lips quivered. “When you started liking me it seemed too good to be true, and I guess I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Chloe always seemed so confident that I often forgot about people teasing her or treating her badly. It killed me to know that she had to endure that. And it didn’t make sense. Hell, Chloe was the hottest girl I knew. No way could I fathom someone calling her fat or ugly. All of my bravado withered, and I closed the gap between us. I hooked my finger into the belt loop of her jeans and tugged her forward. “God, Chloe, I can’t believe anyone treated you like that.” My lips feathered over hers. “But please trust me when I say that I will never intentionally hurt you. I care about you a lot. And that’s the truth.” When she opened her lips, warm breath fanned over my mouth. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been acting so weird. I’ve just been wrestling with so many different emotions. I’m dealing with my insecurities, and on top of that I have all this guilt and shame I feel for what happened with Preston.”

I reached up, grazing my knuckles over her chin. My eyes searched hers. “You’ve got to stop blaming yourself.” “But when we’re together I can’t help but feel like I’m betraying Preston somehow. Like I shouldn’t be this happy when he was so miserable that he killed himself.” Her words cut to my heart. “Being happy isn’t a betrayal to him. And I promise you I won’t let his death or Ryan’s death be in vain. We’ll learn from it. All of us. I’ll make sure of it.” “But--” I pressed my finger to her lips. “Chloe, I made you a promise. Are you going to trust me or not?” She stared deep into my eyes. I held my breath. It was the last time I’d ask her. Either she trusted me now or I was walking away. I liked her a lot, but my heart could only take so much. “Yes,” she whispered. I exhaled with relief, my shoulders sagging. Then I leaned forward, sealing her words with a kiss. Monday morning Chloe picked me up for school. I hadn’t seen her since Saturday night. She’d spent Sunday with her family since her brother was in town. And I was surprised at how much I’d missed her in only one day. I didn’t even wait for her to get out of her car. The minute I saw her pull up I raced outside, meeting her at the curb. “Hey.” She smiled when I approached. Without saying a word, I curved my hand around her neck and crashed my lips to hers. She tasted like fruit and mint, her lip gloss sticky against my mouth. My fingers tangled in her hair as our mouths moved in sync. I desperately wanted to reach my other arm up, to hold her close, to touch her body. But the cast and sling kept my arm encased, tucked close to my side. With my good hand I massaged her head as my tongue explored her mouth, as her lips pressed firmly to mine. I could stand out here all day kissing her. To hell with school and responsibilities. This was where I wanted to be. But I knew that wasn’t possible. Especially not today. I’d made a promise to Chloe, and today I planned to keep it. Breaking away, I gulped in air. Chloe’s chest rose and fell with each breath. Her lip gloss was

smeared, her hair mussed. Damn, she looked good. “Well, good morning to you too.” She winked. “It’s definitely a good morning now.” I smiled. She wiped at her face with the back of her hand as she made her way back to the driver’s side of her car. I opened the passenger side and slid in. Once Chloe was in, she turned on the engine and pulled away from the curb. Rock music played faintly in the background. It didn’t sound familiar, so it was probably some indie band she liked. Her eclectic taste in music was one of the many things that intrigued me about her. “You ready for today?” She asked, staring forward as she drove. We passed a few other cars, middle-aged men and women most likely on their way to work. Sometimes it hit me how weird life was. How most people in the world were going about their days oblivious to the horror and tragedy our school had endured just a little over a week ago. There were moments when it felt like life had stopped. Frozen in time. Like the universe had stopped spinning. As if every single person in the world was feeling like I was. But then I’d pass someone on the street and reality would slam into me like a football to the stomach. Their life hadn’t changed. The universe was still spinning. Everyone else was going about their daily routines unaware. “Yeah, I think so.” Today our school was holding an assembly to discuss the tragedy. But mostly to honor the victims – Ryan and John. I hadn’t even known John, the kid who’d selflessly stepped in and tried to stop Preston. He was a sophomore who played on the basketball team. Both his and Ryan’s jerseys were going to be hung in the gym. They’d asked some friends of Ryan’s and John’s to say a few words. Obviously I was one of the students that they’d chosen to speak on Ryan’s behalf. The principal thought it would help us gain closure. I wasn’t sure there was any such thing. “You’ll do great.” Her hand left the wheel and rested on my thigh. I raised an eyebrow. “Don’t touch me like that during the assembly or I’ll forget my whole speech.” Giggling, she withdrew her hand. Mentally I scolded myself for saying anything. We rode for a few minutes in silence until we pulled into the school. It was weird entering the school parking lot

knowing I wouldn’t see Ryan. I still couldn’t walk through the cafeteria without images of Ryan’s lifeless body filling my mind. In fact, I hadn’t eaten in there once since the shooting. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It seemed nowhere was safe from the memories. The bell was about to ring when we got to school, so we quickly kissed and then dispersed. I hated when the kisses were quick. It was like one tiny sip of water. It only whet my appetite, it didn’t quench my thirst. But I reluctantly left Chloe and headed to first period. On the way, I bumped into Bethany. “Hey,” I called out. She whipped her head in my direction, a smile lingering on her lips as if she thought I was about to confess my undying love. That chick had the biggest ego on the planet. It didn’t make any sense how Bethany could be so popular and Chloe was the one that got teased. Beth couldn’t hold a candle to Chloe. Not in looks, not in personality. Not at all. I guess it just proved how backwards things are in high school. “Leave Chloe alone,” I spoke firmly, hoping she’d understand how serious I was. Her eyes widened. “What are you talking about? All I’ve done is try to befriend her.” “That’s a lie. You’ve been messing with her, and it needs to stop.” Clutching her chest, she appeared offended. But I knew better. It was all an act. “I’ve only been truthful with her. If she can’t take it, that isn’t my problem.” I fought against the rage surging through my veins. “You’d think after everything that’s happened you would’ve learned to have a little compassion, but I guess that’s asking too much from someone as cold-hearted as you.” She sighed in exasperation. “If this is about me cheating, I’ve said I was sorry like a million times.” “This has nothing to do with that,” I snapped. “I don’t care that you cheated on me. All I care about is Chloe, and if you say anything to hurt her again, I’ll make sure you regret it.” This time the look of shock on her face wasn’t rehearsed at all. It was the most genuine expression I’d ever seen. She recoiled like she’d been slapped. Then without uttering a word, she narrowed her eyes and stalked off.

Satisfied, I slipped into my first period class right as the bell pealed through the air.

CHAPTER 28

Chloe I sat beside Holden during the assembly, clutching tightly to his hand. It was hard to focus on the principal as he droned on about the tragedy. It was all stuff we’d heard before. How counselors were available to talk to, or there was a group grief counseling we could attend in town. As if that would help. I couldn’t imagine going to something like that. And it made me wonder if anyone at this school was actually contemplating it. In Holden’s lap were a stack of papers that he explained were the notes for his speech. When his legs shook, they rustled. I squeezed his hand, offering encouragement. It was obvious that he was nervous. I knew he wanted to do this for his friend, but it seemed like an overwhelming task to me. I prayed he’d get through it. First, one of John’s friends spoke and it made me tear up. John was a hero at fifteen years old. In some ways it was so inspiring, but mostly it was incredibly sad. I’d never understand why any of this had to happen. When the principal introduced Holden, he stiffened. I gave him a reassuring smile as our hands unlinked. He swallowed hard as he stood. Taking a deep breath, I watched him walk toward the podium. The principal shook his hand and then took a seat behind him. Holden spread out his papers with his one good hand, and then glanced up at the bleachers filled with students. Nerves filled my stomach. I may not have been the one up there, but I felt just as nervous as if I was. “I was asked to speak about Ryan today,” Holden started, his voice strong and sure. I sat forward, listening intently. “And when I was preparing my speech I came up with so many stories I could share. Like about the first time we met, or all the football games we played together. I thought about the pranks we pulled, the trouble we caused, and the fun we had. But it was that last day of his life that kept coming back to me. The image of his lifeless body. I couldn’t shake it. And I started to get upset. Upset with Preston for taking him from me. And I realized that it’s easy to look at Ryan as the innocent victim and Preston as the evil perpetrator. But Ryan wasn’t innocent. Preston wasn’t innocent. None of us are. All of

us played a part in what happened last week. We judge one another based on looks, clothes, popularity. We slap labels on people. We tease and bully. And it’s wrong.” His gaze found mine from behind the podium, and his lips curved upward. “A couple of months ago I met someone who challenged me to see beyond the labels. Who taught me that people are more than what they seem.” He glanced away from me, his eyes scouring the room. “When you look at me, I know what you see. You see a jock, a macho football player. But I’m more than that. I like to sit in the spa with my girl, or take her to a club to hear those indie bands she likes so much.” My face flamed as everyone’s heads swiveled in my direction. “And sometimes I spend my Saturday night watching chick flicks with my mom.” The entire room erupted in laughter. A grin spread across my face. Holden flashed a deprecating smile. “But don’t tell anyone that.” Laughter erupted once more. “And when you look at Chloe Martin you see a girl in the band.” I stiffened at the mention of my name. “But she’s more than that.” He stared at me as if I was the only person in the room. “She’s smart and witty. She’s fun and outgoing. And she’s well on her way to getting her name in the Guinness Book of World Records.” Only Holden and I laughed at the inside joke. “She’s an amazing dancer, and she has the most eclectic taste in music of anyone I’ve ever met. And she’s definitely the prettiest girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.” I bit my lip, my body heating up. “Chloe is the only person at this school who tried to help Preston. She saw beyond his label and befriended him. If we had all done that, maybe last week’s tragedy never would have happened. If you want to honor Ryan’s memory, let’s learn from it. Let’s learn to be open minded and accepting, to treat each other with kindness. Don’t let Ryan’s death be in vain.” Holden nodded, as he gathered up his notes. “Thank you.” Clapping ensued around me. Holden stepped out from behind the podium as one of the administrators walked toward it, her heels clacking on the floor. He walked swiftly back to the bleachers and then climbed toward me. Students were still clapping, and I knew what he said had struck a chord. He’d done more than honor his friend. He’d made a difference. When he reached me, I stood. “That was amazing,” I said.

He wrapped his arm around me. “That was me keeping my promise.” His breath tickled my ear. “Thank you.” He pecked me swiftly on the cheek. Still a couple of students hooted and hollered at the public display of affection. “You can trust me, Chloe.” “I know I can.” We sat as a member of the school staff spoke. For the remainder of the assembly, I mulled over Holden’s words, and I wondered if it was possible for this tragedy to be turned into something good. After the assembly ended, Holden and I went our separate ways. It sucked that we had no classes together, but at least I’d see him after school. I just had to get through a few boring classes until then. The minute we parted ways, Jasmine and Gianna rushed me. “Oh, my god, you are totally the new London Miller,” Gianna gushed as she clutched her chest. I was confused for a second, until I remembered that this wasn’t the first time they’d mentioned the infamous London Miller. Nerdy girl with popular boyfriend – check. “You and Holden are totally going to ride into the sunset and live happily ever after,” she concluded. I rolled my eyes. “We’re just dating. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” “C’mon,” Jasmine interjected. “He just told the whole school you were the prettiest, most amazing girl he’d ever met.” My belly flipped at her words. It had been pretty amazing. I wasn’t expecting him to say all of that publicly. No guy had ever done anything like that for me before. “Yeah, and you should’ve seen Bethany’s face. She looked like she was going to throw up,” Gianna giggled, clearly enjoying this. “I don’t get her,” I said, wrinkling my nose. “I mean, she broke up with him. What’s her deal?” “She’s just one of those girls who isn’t happy unless every guy wants her,” Jasmine explained. I nodded, completely understanding. I’d known plenty of girls like that. “I’m happy for you.” Gianna clamped a hand on my shoulder. “You deserve a guy like Holden.” “Yeah.” Jasmine smiled. “And we’re sorry that we made you feel like he wouldn’t like you. I

guess we were both a little bitter about always being called band geeks and stuff.” Her face flushed. “I understand. I was a little shocked that he liked me too,” I said. “But you shouldn’t have been. That’s the point. You’re gorgeous and can totally get any guy you want,” Jasmine said. “So can you two.” They both appeared skeptical, but nodded anyway. Gianna’s face darkened. “And we’re sorry about Preston.” She glanced around the hallway at the students milling past. “He always creeped me out, but we should’ve been nicer to him. And we definitely shouldn’t have tried to talk you out of befriending him. Holden’s right. It’s all of our fault that this happened.” “You can’t blame yourself. It doesn’t do any good. Trust me,” I said. “All we can do now is learn from it and move forward.” Gianna smiled. “I’m glad you moved here, Chloe.” Jasmine bobbed her head up and down in agreement. “Me too,” I said honestly. After the shooting, I hadn’t felt that way. In fact, I spent days wishing we’d never moved here. Wishing I’d never had to witness the awful things I did that day. But now I knew that the events of that day made me stronger. And I had friends here. Real friends. People who truly cared about me. What more could I ask for in this life?

CHAPTER 29

Holden I knew it would be bad news the minute the name came up on my caller ID. My dad never called out of the blue. Hell, he rarely called when he was supposed to. And I hadn’t heard from him in months. Not even after the shooting. I figured he had to have heard about it. Every single news show across the country had aired it. In the week following, I had expected a text at the very least. But I got nothing. Now two weeks later he was calling. A part of me hoped he was finally calling to check on me. Better late than never, right? But I should’ve known better. “Hey, son.” I hated how his voice brought out the little boy in me. As upset as I was with my dad, deep down I longed for him in a way I couldn’t explain. “Hey,” I attempted to sound nonchalant, so he wouldn’t realize how much I had missed him. How desperately I desired a relationship. I closed my bedroom door even though no one was home. Then I perched on the edge of my bed, pressing the phone to my ear. “I um…kind of have some news,” he stammered, and it took me aback. Dad wasn’t the stammering type. He didn’t get nervous. He was always confident and selfassured. “Good news?” For a split second I thought it was going to be like one of those Lifetime movies my mom watched. That he was going to tell me he had terminal cancer or something. Wouldn’t that be just my luck? Dad would finally want a relationship with me and he’d be dying. “Yeah,” he said, but it came out sounding more like a question than a statement. My stomach rolled, and I wished I’d never answered the phone. When would I learn to listen to my gut? “You remember Arianna, right?” “Yeah.” How could I forget the woman he’d left my mom for? “We sort of got married last weekend.”

“Sort of?” I wasn’t sure how you sort of got married. It seemed like the kind of thing you had to do all the way. “Well, yeah. We eloped. I would’ve told you about it sooner, but it was kind of a last minute decision.” He would’ve told me about it sooner. Not invited me. No, that was never in the plan. And who the hell made a last-minute decision to get married? “Um…” I fumbled around in my mind for something to say. “Congratulations.” “Thanks. She’d been begging me to make an honest woman out of her for awhile, and I figured that if we were going to do it we needed to do it now.” It was clear there was more to this story. “Why now?” Silence. My insides clenched. “Arianna is pregnant. Due any day now.” “And you’re just now telling me. Isn’t a pregnancy nine months?” In nine months he couldn’t tell me this? “It just never seemed like the right time, I guess. And I had other things on my mind,” Dad explained like it was no big deal. “We’re having a boy.” I wasn’t prepared for the jealousy that shot through me like a knife to my heart. He sounded so happy about having a son. But yet he had a son sitting right here. A son he’d abandoned years ago and never given the time of day. And now this son would have all his attention and love. It didn’t seem fair. The kid hadn’t even been born yet, and I already hated him. And I hated myself for feeling this way. What kind of person hates an unborn baby? Realizing that I hadn’t said a word, I forced myself to speak. “I’m um…happy for you. But I gotta go.” Quickly I hung up and flung the phone down on my bed. He hadn’t even bothered to ask how I was. To find out what I’d been up to. I suppose it didn’t shock me. He’d never been interested in me. But it didn’t make it hurt any less. Angry, I stared out at the window. The sky was darkening, stars beginning to appear in the sky. The cool air beckoned me, the night sky calling my name. I needed to get out of here. Get some fresh air. I

knew I couldn’t drive, but maybe a walk would do me some good. One thing was certain: I couldn’t sit in here and mope all night. The minute I stepped outside a cool breeze whisked over my skin. I inhaled the crisp night air, allowing it to fill my lungs. The scent of wet grass and asphalt lingered, reminding me of evenings spent outside with Ryan. When we were younger we’d ride bikes or skateboards out in the street. The ache of missing him spread through my chest, making it difficult to breathe. If he was still alive I’d head over to see him right now. We’d always bonded over our shitty fathers, so I knew he’d understand what I was going through right now. It’s not like we’d have a heart-to-heart or anything like that. Those weren’t really our style. If my arm were better we’d probably just throw the football. But since that would be impossible tonight he’d let me talk shit about my dad and he’d make some lame jokes about his. Either way, I’d feel better. Not so alone. I thought about walking to Chloe’s. She was only about a twenty minute walk away. But I decided against it. I wasn’t sure if we were at the place in our relationship where I should unload this kind of crap on her. Right now she saw me as tough, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to change that quite yet. So if I couldn’t talk to the living, breathing Ryan, I figured I’d go for the next best thing. And that’s how I ended up in the cemetery. Ryan’s headstone was easy to find. It was covered in flowers and football memorabilia. I knew the cheerleaders had been coming out here and leaving him things. It was odd since he’d fooled around with almost all of them, and rarely treated them with respect. But now that he was gone they all acted like he had been their favorite person on earth. Death was funny that way. Made you only remember the good. Shoving a bouquet of flowers out of the way, I lowered myself onto the ground. The grass was a little wet, and it seeped into my pants. But I didn’t care. I’d never been in a cemetery before. Never visited anyone’s grave. I knew my grandpa was buried in a cemetery in Sacramento. My mom used to make trips there to leave flowers on his grave, but I never wanted to join her. Even as a child I knew Grandpa wasn’t really in the ground. I’d like to believe he was in heaven, soaring above the clouds. The thought of him buried beneath the dirt with the worms and insects made my skin crawl. I couldn’t understand why Mom would subject herself to that mental image. Why she would go talk to a stone.

But now I understood. It wasn’t like I thought Ryan was in the ground. Truth is, I had no idea where someone like Ryan went. Heaven seemed like a long shot, but I still wanted to picture him there. Regardless, this was where his physical body was. And being here made me feel closer to him somehow. I guess cemeteries aren’t really about the dead. They’re about the living. They give us a place to find peace. To find closure. Taking a deep breath, I read the tombstone. Read over Ryan’s stats. I’d always known his birthdate. It was the end date that caused my throat to constrict. “I can’t believe you’re really gone, man,” I spoke into the air. It was still and quiet, not a soul in sight. Yet, I felt like I wasn’t alone. Like someone was listening. I hoped it was Ryan. “I’ve been kind of mad at you. I know it was technically Preston’s fault that you’re gone. But I keep thinking about how you treated him, man. And sometimes I think I understand why he did it.” I swallowed hard, embarrassed by what I was about to admit. “Sometimes I think you deserved it.” I ran a hand through my hair. “And then I feel like shit for thinking that. You were my best friend, Ry. But you could be a complete ass sometimes.” I grunted in frustration. “God, my emotions are all over the place. I don’t even know what I feel most of the time.” Pausing, I glanced down, my gaze catching on a football propped up against the headstone. Reaching out, I ran my fingers along the rippled leather. “But I do know I miss you.” I picked up the football and palmed it. “I wish I could toss the football with you one more time. Who’s gonna have my back now?” “I will.” Flinching, my head whipped in the direction of the voice. “Oh, hey, Riddles.” “You called me Riddles.” He smiled, reminding me that I hadn’t called him that since Ryan died. But it felt appropriate now. “Yeah, I did.” I lowered the ball back on the ground. “Have you come here before?” Sawyer nodded. “Guess I’m just hoping for some peace.” I pushed myself up to a standing position and dusted off my jeans. “I think we all are.” “But I meant what I said, I’ve got your back, man.”

“Thanks.” I clamped my hand down on his shoulder. “And thanks for talking to Chloe. You really helped to smooth things over.” “I’m glad.” Nodding, I stepped past Sawyer. “I’ll give you some privacy.” “He really didn’t deserve it,” Sawyer spoke softly. It made me wonder how much he’d heard. “I know,” I said. As I walked away from him, my gaze caught on the name written across a tombstone not far from Ryan’s. As if drawn by an unseen force, I moved toward it. There was only one sad bouquet of flowers on top, not nearly the display Ryan had. I read Preston’s name and stats, sadness filling me. I pictured his freckled face with glasses perched on his nose. Lifting my arm, I traced his name with the pads of my finger. “I’m sorry, Preston. Sorry for everything. I hope now you can find some peace.” After walking out of the cemetery I roamed the streets nearby, not really sure where to go now. Talking to Ryan’s gravestone hadn’t exactly given me the peace I was searching for. Maybe it was a futile search. Maybe it was nowhere to be found. Still I walked. I strolled down Sutter Street in Old Town, peering into the brightly lit shops and restaurants. Stared at the happy people, laughing and chatting over drinks and food. Envy coursed through my veins, and I wondered if I’d ever feel that carefree again. Sure, I experienced moments. Like when Chloe and I were together. But even then Ryan’s death and my dad’s absence lingered at the fringes, just waiting to be noticed. Just waiting to be in the spotlight once again. I passed a small diner, my gaze catching on a couple sitting near the window. Recognition slammed into me, fast and hard. So hard I almost fell over from the force of it. What the hell? All the pent up anger and frustration that had been building for weeks spilled out of me. Without bothering to weigh the consequences of my actions, I tore open the door to the diner and stalked inside. “What’s going on? Who is this?” I demanded as I approached the table. James’s face reddened. “It’s not what you think.” The woman sitting across from him appeared stricken, her mouth gaping open. It reminded me of Arianna’s expression when I first found out about her. I didn’t fall for my dad’s act then, and I wasn’t falling for James’ now.

“You made me believe you were different than him, but you’re not. Not one bit.” Drawing back my one good arm, I took aim and landed my fist right in James’ lying face.

CHAPTER 30

Chloe “Holden, what happened?” At first when I opened the door to find Holden on my front porch, elation had filled me at his unexpected visit. But when I caught sight of his ravaged expression, his busted knuckles and disheveled appearance, that quickly dive bombed like a kite when the wind has died down. I was glad my parents were out tonight. They liked Holden and I wanted to keep it that way. “Found out that along with writing, I can also throw a mean punch with my left arm.” He shrugged. “Never realized I was ambidextrous until this week.” I wanted to laugh at his joke, but my mind was still stuck on one thing. “You punched someone?” He nodded. “Who?” Together we walked into the living room. I had been studying when he showed up, and my math textbook was open on the end table. Reaching down, I slammed it closed and then plunked down on the couch. Holden sat next to me. “My stepdad.” “Oh, my god. Why?” I searched his face and arms for bruises. “Did he hurt you?” He’d never mentioned that his stepdad was abusive. “No. It was nothing like that.” I glanced down at his knuckles, dotted in dried blood. Wincing, I stood. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve gotten a rag or bandaids or something. You just caught me off guard.” I thought hard. “I think we have a first aid kit in the upstairs bathroom. I’ll be right back.” Holden nodded as I hurried out of the room. Taking the stairs two at a time, I made it into the bathroom at the top. After rifling through the cabinet under the sink, I located the first aid kit. A layer of dust covered it. Most likely we hadn’t used it since Cole lived here. He was the accident prone one in the family. I wet a rag and then carried the rag and first aid kit down the stairs. Holden sat on the couch staring off into space when I entered the family room. I knelt down in front of him and gently picked up his

hand. Then I swirled the rag over his cuts. He winced a couple of times, a hissing sound escaping through his teeth. Once the dried blood was gone, I cleaned it further with some alcohol wipes and then pulled out a couple of bandaids. “Thanks,” Holden said as I covered his cuts with the bandaids. “Of course. I’m always here for you.” “That means a lot. Especially tonight.” He pressed his lips together, darkness flashing in his eyes. “What happened?” I dropped the bandaid wrappers on the ground and looked into his eyes. The sadness I saw inside cut to my heart. “My dad called to tell me his girlfriend…well, his wife now…is having a baby boy.” He hung his head. Usually a baby was good news, but it was obvious this was one instance where it wasn’t. “And you’re not happy about that?” I was trying to understand. “He seems happy about it, Chloe. Happy that he’s having a son. But he’s never wanted anything to do with me. And now I’m sure that he never will.” My heart went out to him. “I’m sorry.” “God, Chloe.” He frowned. “I’ve lost my best friend and now my dad. I feel like I’m losing everyone.” Scooting forward, I touched his face. “You’re not losing me.” His head lifted, his gaze colliding with mine. Sliding off the couch, he dropped to his knees in front of me. His good hand curled around my waist, his cast nudging me in the other side. There was a desperation in his eyes I’d never seen before, and it caused a funny feeling to stir in my belly. Angling his face, he moved closer until our lips were almost touching. Then he licked out his tongue, flicking it over my lip. I held my breath, enjoying the sensation. He took his time as if he was trying to memorize every inch of my mouth. Then he teased it open. I obediently parted my lips, allowing his tongue to slide inside my mouth. His hand tightened around my waist, his fingers digging into my flesh. I reached out my arms, holding onto him tightly. He applied more pressure with his lips, his tongue dancing with mine. The kiss started slow, but quickly intensified. It was like our marching band show which started out quiet, then

built into the loud climax, only to retreat into quiet and subtle again. And like our marching band show, I kept up. I moved in sync with Holden, matching him move for move. I lost myself in his touch the same way I lost myself in my music. It was what I needed right now. To escape. To forget. To feel wanted. To feel worthy. And Holden made me feel that way. He made me feel it in the way he kissed me, in the gentle way his fingers touched my skin. In the deep moan at the back of his throat and the way he didn’t seem to want to stop. When we finally parted, his forehead fell to mine. “You’re the only thing that makes sense right now,” he whispered. I looped my arms around his neck, running my fingernails over his skin. “Why did you fight with James tonight?” “I saw him out with another woman, and I lost it. I had just found out about my dad, and then I went to Ryan’s grave. It was all too much, and I ended up hitting him.” He pulled back from me and sat on the edge of the couch. “It was stupid.” I followed him. “No, it wasn’t. You were defending your mom. It makes total sense.” “Only I was wrong. He wasn’t cheating on my mom.” Shame was written across his features. “What was he doing with the other woman?” “Apparently she was an ex-girlfriend, and she’s on the admissions board at Oceanside University.” He glanced over at me. “That’s where I’ve wanted to go since I was a little kid.” “Really?” It seemed almost too good to be true. “It’s one of my top three choices too. I’ve already applied. Just waiting to hear back.” “You’re not shitting me, are you?” I shook my head. “No. They have an amazing music program.” “And football program.” “I had heard that.” I smiled, my head still reeling from his confession. What were the chances that we would both have our sights set on the same college? Then again, I always seemed to be surprised at how alike Holden and I were. Maybe not on the outside, but at the core of who we were. “Anyway, my dad had a college fund set up for me years ago, so my mom hasn’t worried about setting any money aside for me. But apparently when Dad found out he and Arianna were bringing a

bouncing baby boy into the world, he transferred the fund over to his new son.” I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth. “Oh, Holden. I’m so sorry.” There weren’t any words that were adequate at this point, and I felt at a loss. “Yeah, pretty crappy, huh?” Bitterness tinged his tone, not that I blamed him one bit. “So that’s why James has been working extra hours. To start a college fund for me. And he was meeting with that lady to see if she could pull any strings to help me get a scholarship. It seemed like I was a shoe-in for one until I broke my arm.” “It’s awful what your dad did. But it’s really great what James and your mom are doing for you. They must love you a lot.” A small smile flickered on Holden’s face. “I’ve always wanted a dad who truly loved me. One who believed in me and wanted the best for me. Tonight I realized that my dad will never be that guy.” My heart lurched at his words. I racked my brain for something to say to make it better, but came up with nothing. “But I also realized that maybe I can still have that…with James.” I stared at the bandaids across his knuckles. “How bad is he hurt?” Holden chuckled. “Not bad. Just a black eye.” When I furrowed my brows, he added, “Oh, I didn’t cut my knuckles on his face. I was so angry with myself I ended up slamming my fist into the side of the restaurant when I left. Stupid, huh?” He threw me a sheepish look. I shook my head. It was stupid, but I understood his frustration. Shame can make you do funny things. “What’s going to happen when you get home? Is James really upset?” “No, actually. He already forgave me. In fact, he commended me for sticking up for my mom. Told me he liked knowing that I had her back.” “Sounds like a good guy.” “Yeah, he is.” “And so are you.” Holden’s eyes met mine. “Thanks for everything. I don’t know what I would have done tonight without you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

EPILOGUE

Holden Chloe sat in the water, her head resting against the side of the spa. Her eyes were shrouded by her sunglasses, but I could tell by her unmoving posture and parted lips that they were closed. Bubbles foamed around her, but I saw the outline of her black bikini and it caused my pulse to quicken. Kids squealed in the distance where they played near the pool, but other than that it was quiet. And I was grateful it was just she and I in the spa. I climbed down the steps and gently lowered myself on the bench next to her. She flinched when my hand rested on her thigh. Her head bobbed up and then a smile leapt to her face. “You’re here,” she said. My heart skipped a beat at how happy she was to see me. I’d never get used to the effect I had on her. And I’d never tire of it. “Yeah. Sawyer and I finished early.” “How’d it go?” Her hand found mine under the water, and she wove our fingers together. Sawyer and I had been meeting every day since I got my cast off last week to toss around the football. “Really well. He says my arm is just as good as before.” “That’s great. I’m proud of you,” she said. Leaning over, I kissed her cheek, her fruity scent enveloping me. “Thanks.” “So I have some news.” Excitement was written all over her face. I imagined her eyes sparkling underneath her large glasses. My heart leapt, almost positive what her news would be. “Really?” “I got another college acceptance letter.” She’d already gotten several. “Please tell me this was from Oceanside.” Biting her lip, she nodded. “That’s amazing.” I’d already secured my spot at Oceanside and received a partial scholarship. Once I’d realized all that my mom and James did to help that along, I was bowled over. Since then, James

and I had gotten pretty tight. I wasn’t sure I was ready to completely embrace him as my new dad, but he was the closest thing to a father figure I’d ever experienced. And for that I was grateful. “So, are you going to accept?” Chloe appeared conflicted, and my chest tightened. “I want to, but first I want to make sure you’re okay with it.” “Why wouldn’t I be?” “You’re sure I won’t be cramping your style?” Her question confused me. “Why would you say that?” “I thought college was a time for guys to play the field, sow their wild oats and all that jazz.” “I have no desire to play the field, and I don’t even know what sowing wild oats means.” Chloe chuckled at that. Reaching up, I ran my knuckles over her cheek. “Don’t you know how I feel about you by now?” My fingers slipped beneath her wet hair. “I love you, Chloe.” She froze. It was the first time I’d said the words. Sure, I’d known it for a long time. I was just waiting for the right moment to say it. “I love you too,” she said breathlessly. Keeping one hand tucked beneath her hair, I curved my other hand around her waist and scooted closer. “God, I missed this.” “Being in the spa?” She cocked an eyebrow. “No. Holding you with both arms.” She smiled. “I missed it too.” I feathered my lips over hers, softly, like the sweep of a paintbrush. I savored the feel of her lips on mine, gently rubbing back and forth, creating friction. Then I pressed down a little more firmly, her lips pliable as our mouths fused together. A small moan sounded at the back of her throat, as I teased her lips open with my tongue. When my tongue slid between her perfect lips, I took my time. Softly sliding my tongue over hers and swirling it inside her mouth. Her hands found my chest, her fingers tickling my muscles as they skated over my flesh. “Say it again,” she spoke against my mouth.

“I love you, Chloe,” I said, loving the way the words tasted on my tongue. My mouth covered hers again, kissing her intensely. When we drew back, I stared into her eyes. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I love you so much, and I don’t plan to ever stop.”

FOR THE SAVE Amber Garza

CHAPTER 1

Addison “Are you coming in?” The woman gave me a friendly smile. Too friendly. It made my skin crawl. I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth preparing to say “no,” but when I glanced over my shoulder I saw Mom sitting in her car watching me. Irritation swam in my veins. My plan had been to wait until Mom drove off and then I was going to hightail it out of this stupid place. But I should’ve known Mom wouldn’t trust me enough to leave. She waved me inside with the brush of her hand out of the car window. It took all my willpower not to scream at her. Why was she so hell-bent on me attending this group anyway? It’s not like it was going to help. No amount of grief counseling would close up this gaping hole in my body. I was broken. Beyond repair. If only she would come to terms with it and stop trying to fix me. “Miss?” The woman tried again. I bit my lip, releasing an exasperated sigh. “Yes, I’m coming in.” “Welcome,” she replied in a sugary sweet tone. “Thanks,” I muttered, slipping past her. A musty stench filled my senses, reminding me of my grandma’s house. I was in a small lobby, dark carpet under my feet. The sound of chatting faintly drifted from an open door to my right. Hesitating, I peeked out the front window. My stomach tightened when I saw Mom still sitting there. Unbelievable. Did she really think I was going to escape? Even as the thought entered, I realized that was precisely what I’d been hoping to do. She knew me too well. But seriously, didn’t she have anything better to do than babysit me all day? Sadly, it hit me that she didn’t. I was all she had now. Tears pricked at my eyes, but I blinked them back. This may have been grief counseling, but I’d be damned if I started crying in this place. Not here. Not in front of strangers.

“Right this way, dear.” The woman came up behind me, holding out her arm. She ushered me toward the open door. Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself for what was inside. My feet shuffled slowly, my pulse picking up speed. It bounced beneath my flesh. The woman next to me smelled like flowers and hairspray. When we stepped into the room, my insides coiled, and it took all my willpower to keep moving forward. I knew running out wasn’t an option. Most likely my mom was still sitting out in the parking lot. She was probably planning to sit out there the whole time to ensure I attended. Metal folding chairs were arranged in a circle in the center of a large room. There was a table set off to the side with snacks and water. The room was a little chilly, and I fought off a shiver. At first I’d assumed the woman was the facilitator, but one look at the man sitting in the center of the circle told me I had been wrong. She must have been the person in charge of rounding up the escapees. I almost chuckled at the fact that granny was assigned to the bouncer job. Maybe she was tougher than she looked. Sighing, I plopped down into an empty folding chair. It moaned beneath me, and a couple of teenaged boys glanced in my direction. I glared at them until they turned away. Satisfied, I crossed my arms over my chest. I so wasn’t here to make friends. In fact, I wouldn’t be here at all if my mom wasn’t forcing me to come. For the millionth time I wished the school had never sent the email about this group to my mom. One of the pastors at this church had decided to start a teen grief counseling group after the shooting at our school. When Mom first mentioned it, I told her that I wasn’t even on campus when the shooting happened. And, frankly, I wasn’t friends with Ryan, Preston or John. Preston had always been a freak. There were times I’d felt sorry for him, but whenever I even attempted to be friendly he got all dark and rude and creepy. I’d never met John. He was only a sophomore. However, I’d known Ryan for years. Not that we were close. If anything, I kind of hated the guy. Most people at our school hated him. However, everyone chose to forget what an ass he’d been once he died. Wasn’t that the way it went? Of course telling her about my absence that day only made her more upset. I was supposed to be there, but I’d skipped and was smoking cigarettes in the park when Preston entered the cafeteria wielding a gun. No matter how many times I told Mom she should have been happy I’d missed out on the gruesome

scene, she was still angry with me. And it made her more determined to get me help. It seemed to be the only thing fueling her lately – getting me help. She said it all the time, like it was her mission in life. And I suppose it was. She explained that she’d been going to counseling and it had been helping her. Yeah, right. If it was helping her than why did I still hear her crying at night when she thought no one was listening? And why was she riding me so hard? I wasn’t an idiot. I knew she was all up in my business because it kept her mind off of her pain. Helping me wasn’t about me at all. It was about her. I grabbed a lock of my hair and coiled it around my finger. Staring down at it, I inspected it like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. And it kind of was. It was certainly colorful. Hair dye had become my best friend lately. Each week I’d been experimenting with new colors. The best ones were the ones that shocked the hell out of Mom. Right now it was sort of a pinkish, purplish shade. In my former life it was blond. I used to wear it in large curls that cascaded down my back. But that was before. That was a girl I wouldn’t even recognize now. That girl would never dye her hair funky colors or pierce her nose. She wouldn’t wear jeans with holes in them or paint her nails black. No, that girl liked pastel pink and wore designer clothes. But that girl was gone. Disappeared. Vanished. Along with everything else that mattered in my life. As the facilitator introduced himself in a nasally voice, I tuned him out. I didn’t care what his name was, and I didn’t care what he had to say. Mom may have forced me to come, but no one could force me to participate. I’d sit here and do my time, and then I’d get the hell out. He introduced the woman who had ushered me inside and she began speaking. I listened only long enough to hear that she was our guest speaker. No shit she’d lost someone. She was freaking a hundred years old. Most likely she was the only one of her circle left. Rolling my eyes, I blew out a breath and scoured the room. The rest of the teenagers

appeared as bored as I was. I wondered what their story was. Were their parents forcing them to be here too? I was curious how many of them were actually here because of the shooting. They didn’t look like a bunch of jocks or cheerleaders, so they probably weren’t Ryan’s friends. Well, except for the guy on the end. The one sitting closest to the speaker. I recognized him immediately. Sawyer Ridley, or as he was affectionately called, Riddles. Although he didn’t appear to be telling any jokes right now. In fact, he was sitting forward, listening to granny with rapt attention. His expression was almost desperate, and my chest tightened. Clearly he was here about the shooting, and from the looks of it, I didn’t think he was coerced into coming. I’d had a few classes with Sawyer over the years. He was always spouting off some sarcastic remark, always smiling. Actually, he wasn’t that bad of a guy. We’d talked a few times, and he’d been friendly enough. Slouching down in my seat, I allowed my hair to fall over my face like a curtain. The last thing I wanted was for Sawyer to notice me. Not that he’d care, but I didn’t feel like making chit-chat with anyone. After granny finished gabbing, the facilitator opened up the floor to us. I purposely kept my eyes trained on my Chuck Taylors, never making eye contact. No way was I talking in front of these people. A girl shared about losing her grandpa and how hard that was for her. I felt my heart softening a little as I listened. So I shifted in my chair and tried to focus on something else. There was nothing interesting in the room, so I studied my breathing, honing in on every inhale and exhale. Eventually my heart rate slowed, and the emotion in the back of my throat retreated. But then Sawyer raised his hand. My head snapped in his direction, curiosity getting the better of me. Fiddling with the bottom of his shirt, he cleared his throat. I’d never seen this side of Sawyer. He was always self-assured and confident, cocky even. I watched him through my wall of purple hair. “Um… I lost a good friend of mine.” He paused, glancing around the room. When his eyes met mine, I quickly averted my gaze. “It’s um…been weird….I was there when he was…you know….shot….and I can’t stop thinking about it.” The rawness of his tone caused my head to bob back up. His expression was so open it made me feel sick. I wished I could be that real. That vulnerable. But there was no way. Curling my

fingers into my palms, the fingernails pierced my tender flesh. I closed my eyes to ward off the rush of pain that threatened to wash over me. “Anyway, I’m just trying to deal with it, you know.” I couldn’t take it anymore. Bringing my hands up to my ears, I blocked out the rest of Sawyer’s words. None of it made sense anyway. How was talking about this with complete strangers going to make it better? Was Ryan going to magically appear because Sawyer shared his sob story with us? Were the nightmares and memories going to simply vanish now? No amount of talking about our loss was going to fix anything. The lost would still be gone. Our hearts would still be shattered. It was all a bunch of crap. Luckily, no one else offered to speak after Sawyer, so the facilitator wrapped it up and then everyone made a beeline for the snacks. Apparently talking about death made this group ravenous. Luckily, I had no appetite at all. Pushing back my chair, I headed toward the door. I told Mom I’d text her when we finished, but I figured she was still waiting in the parking lot so I didn’t bother taking out my phone. “Addie?” Sawyer’s voice stopped me. “It’s Addison,” I snapped a little more harshly than I should. But I didn’t apologize. No one called me Addie anymore. That was the name of the other girl. The blond one. The happy one. “Sorry.” He ran a hand through his hair. “You here about your brother?” I inhaled sharply. Of course he knew about Ben. In fact, I think they’d known each other. Ben was two years older than me, but he’d played football. And he was good at it too. Not as if that was surprising. He was good at most things. “Yeah,” I mumbled, knowing there was no use in denying it. “I never really talked to you about it afterward. Never got to tell you how sorry I was about what happened to him.” Annoyance surfaced. “It’s fine. I don’t wanna talk about it.” “Oh, yeah.” He nodded like he understood. Only I knew he didn’t. He was the one blabbing about his feelings in the meeting. “Of course. I’m sorry.” Wow. Apologies seemed to roll right off his tongue. He was seriously irritating me. “I gotta go.

My mom’s waiting.” “Okay.” He smiled, his blue eyes sparkling. There was no denying that Sawyer was good-looking, with his dark hair, light eyes, tanned skin and muscular physique. In fact, he looked like he could model cologne or something. But his charm wasn’t working on me today. “I guess I’ll see you around.” “Yeah.” I shrugged off his words. Sure, I knew I’d see him around school, but I didn’t plan to talk to him. We didn’t hang in the same circle. And if I had my way, I’d never come to this stupid meeting again. With my head down, I hurried out to the parking lot. As I suspected, Mom’s car was parked near the entrance. Her head bobbed up when I approached. Opening the passenger door, I spotted a magazine lying open in her lap. So this had been her plan all along. “How’d it go?” She asked, closing the magazine. “It sucked,” I answered honestly. “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.” She flung the magazine into the backseat and faced forward, starting the car. I shook my head. “Whatever. I went. We can check that off the list.” “There is no list,” Mom said with exasperation as she swung around to look behind her. “I’m just trying to help you.” “Yes, I know. You’ve said that like a million times.” Leaning my head against the window, I savored the cool feeling of the window against my cheek. “I’m sure it’ll get better.” Mom eased the car out of the parking space. “I’m not going back,” I said firmly. “Yes, you are. Next week.” “Mom,” I whined. “I’ve already made up my mind.” And like that, I knew it was a losing battle. I could argue, kick and scream. It wouldn’t make a difference. She wasn’t budging. And, honestly, I didn’t have the energy to fight her right now. As she turned the car heading toward the exit, I spotted Sawyer walking out of the church, his keys in hand. When

he saw me, he lifted his arm in a wave. Groaning, I sank lower in my seat. “Who is that?” Mom asked. Of course she had to notice him. “Is he a friend of yours?” “No, Mom. He’s not my friend.” Facing forward, I put all thoughts of Sawyer and that stupid group out of my mind.

CHAPTER 2

Sawyer Addison didn’t wave back, so I tucked my arm into my chest and walked toward my car. I had never known Addison that well, but we had talked a few times before. She had always been friendly. Always smiling. And, yeah, she was hot. Even now with her dyed hair and piercings. Freshman year one of the guys in our group started a list of the hottest chicks at Gold Rush High. There were all these categories like best eyes or nicest ass. Hey, I didn’t say it was appropriate, but we were immature freshman. What can I say? I remember that Addison West was listed as “most kissable lips.” And when I looked at her today, the memory of that list came flooding back. She’d tried to change her appearance, tried to strip herself of the person she used to be. But there was no hiding those lips. Those plump, heart-shaped lips. Yes, they were definitely kissable. I could tell she thought she appeared tough and hard when she pursed them, but honestly, to me it looked like she was puckering up. It was clear that she’d taken her brother’s death hard. Not that I blamed her. But it made me sad to see that darkness in her eyes. I never thought I’d know that kind of sorrow. Before this year, my life had pretty much been one long comedy routine – all laughter and jokes. But now I knew what death looked like. I’d witnessed a murder. My friend’s brains were blown out right in front of my eyes, and I didn’t know how to get past it. The images were stuck in my head like a song on repeat. They kept reeling through my mind, over and over again. And there was no escaping them. Not during the day when a smell, a sound, a person could inadvertently conjure up the memory. And not during the night while I slept fitfully, desperately trying to outrun the nightmare of that day. Ryan and Preston found me in the tranquility of my dreams. They might have both been dead, but they lived in my subconscious. They were fully alive in my mind. And all I wanted was for them both to go away.

I jammed my key into the door of the “Barney Mobile” and unlocked it. Yes, I drove a bright purple minivan. It was the butt of many jokes with my friends. Years ago, we’d dubbed it the “Barney Mobile” in reference to the child’s show with the singing purple dinosaur. I’m pretty sure it was Ryan who first came up with the nickname. Truth is, driving around in a purple minivan didn’t bother me as much as it should have. I kind of liked how it drew a lot of attention. And it was a great ice breaker. People noticed it everywhere I went, and it often sparked a conversation. When my mom first brought it home I’d been an impressionable middle schooler, and I was pretty upset. I refused to get inside the first morning she drove me to school in it. Not until she’d threatened to take away my video game system did I finally hop into the passenger seat with a huge groan. But by the time the van got passed down to me, I was over it. The van and its nickname had grown on me. After hopping into the driver’s seat, my phone buzzed from inside my pocket. I glanced down at it, reading the text on the screen. It was from Holden. We were practicing today, and I was late. No one except my parents knew I attended these meetings, and I sure as hell didn’t plan to share it with anyone. Especially Holden. Not because I thought he’d be a jerk about it. Mostly because I didn’t want him to see me as weak. From what I could see, Holden was coping with the loss of Ryan better than I was. And that made me feel a little embarrassed. It had been months since the shooting, and I wondered why I couldn’t get past it. Then again, Holden had his girlfriend Chloe to help him. She had a calming effect on him. I longed for someone like that in my life. Holden had been Ryan’s best friend. They had a partnership on the football field that I envied. Actually, I’d envied a lot about both of their abilities. Holden was the best quarterback I’d ever played with, and Ryan’s speed and agility was unmatched. Ryan and I both played wide receiver, but I’d never tricked myself into thinking I was better than him. And Ryan and Holden had a connection during the game that I’d never experienced. However, since Ryan’s death, Holden and I had started getting pretty close. He’d had his arm broken during the shooting when he tried to take Preston down in an effort to save Chloe. It was pretty ballsy. The rest of us were too scared to do anything, but Holden risked his life to save his girl. And he had saved her. Too bad it came at a price. And it cost him his last high school football season.

To make sure he was well enough to play in college, we’d been meeting every spare moment we could to throw the football around. Even though it was winter, the weather here in Northern California was pretty nice. We’d hardly had any rain this winter. It would suck come summertime when the lake would be too low to boat on, but it was awesome right now because it meant that Holden and I could meet at the park to practice. I shot him off an apology text. Made up some excuse about family obligations, and then I hurried out of the parking lot. The truth is, that as dumb as it sounded, I felt like the group was helping. It wasn’t the quick fix I’d been hoping for, but the couple of times I’d attended the weight that constantly sat on my chest seemed to ease up a little bit, and I was able to breathe a little easier. I couldn’t explain why. It wasn’t like there was anything special about the group, but for some reason being around other people who’d experienced the same kind of loss as me made me feel like I would be all right. Maybe all I needed was to know that I wasn’t alone. That’s why I was so excited to see Addison there. So far I hadn’t run into anyone I knew from school at the group. Which kind of surprised me, especially since I knew the group was started as a result of the shooting. I think a couple of John’s friends were there, but I didn’t know him or his friends. They were younger than me. I knew the minute I saw Addison that she wasn’t there because of the shooting. Word of her brother’s death had spread fast, and I didn’t remember even seeing her the day of the shooting. Still, I had hoped that Addison and I could chat, maybe commiserate about our shared loss and pain. But it was immediately clear that she wasn’t open to that. She was about as cold as a cube of ice, and I wasn’t sure there was enough heat in the world to melt through it. Pulling into the parking lot of the park, I spotted Holden sitting on a bench waiting for me. After cutting the engine, I hopped out and hurried toward him. “Sorry, man,” I said. “No problem. I know how moms can be.” He stood and flashed me a knowing smile. In his hand he palmed a football. I chuckled. Holden’s mom had always been known as the strict one, so I knew he’d bought my lie. It made me feel a little guilty but not bad enough to tell him the truth. “Normally I wouldn’t mind you being late, but I’m meeting Chloe after this.”

“Hot date, huh?” I raised my brows. He shrugged. “Something like that.” My lips tugged at the corners. Holden had changed since he met Chloe. It’s funny, because I never noticed Chloe before Holden started dating her. She was new to the school and was in marching band. Not exactly the type of girl I was into. But now that I’d gotten to know her, I could see why Holden was so attracted to her. Not only was she pretty, but she was fun and outgoing. She also had a softness and humility to her that most of the chicks we hung with didn’t. She was certainly different than the girls Holden had dated previously. It was no surprise that he’d fallen so hard for her. I’d never wanted a serious relationship. Not in high school anyway. I figured I could wait until I was an adult before I settled for one girl. My parents didn’t have the greatest marriage. Sure, they were still together, and I was grateful for that, but they didn’t make marriage look like a fun adventure. More like something you endured, something you persevered through. Not something you took pleasure in. Therefore, I had no desire to tie myself up in something. I wanted to enjoy my freedom. Enjoy my life. But seeing Chloe and Holden together had challenged my thinking, and now I was starting to wonder if a relationship wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. “Ready to get started then?” I asked, heading toward an open space of grass. “I sure am.” Holden followed me, the football cradled in his hand. My feet sank into the damp grass with each step. When we got in position on the field, Holden shot the ball to me. It came at me fast and hard, but I caught it. His arm was as good as before he broke it, almost like he’d never been injured. We only had to come out a few times before he was throwing like before. I had no doubt he’d play well in college. At the thought, jealousy coursed through my veins. I used to dream of attending college, but I struggled to maintain decent grades all through high school. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the smarts. I didn’t have the dedication, I guess. A fact which pissed my parents off to no end. The emphasis they put on grades used to bug the hell out of me. However I saw their point.now that all my friends were going away to college and I had to stay here to attend junior college. Especially because I knew if I stayed here I’d be constantly plagued with unwanted memories. What I wouldn’t give to get the hell out of here. To go to college like Holden and play football in a place

that didn’t remind me of pain and death. But it was too late. There was no way to fix four years of poor grades in one semester. I tossed the ball back to Holden and got in position. This time when he threw it I had to run to catch it. My feet slid on the grass as I hurried in its direction. Lunging forward, I caught it in my arms. “Nice,” Holden called out. “Thanks.” I smiled. Holden was a good guy, and I was glad that we’d connected recently. I only wished it had happened sooner. For the past few years, I’d been closer to Ryan than Holden. And by the time Holden and I started hanging out, he was injured and no longer playing for our team. Pulling my arm back, I released the ball into Holden’s waiting arms. “Too bad the season’s over,” I told him as he geared up to throw the ball again. “We sure could’ve used your arm.” After tossing it to me, Holden shook his head. “I know. It sucks.” With Holden and Ryan we had been winning every game. But after Ryan died and Holden was injured, we started losing most games. It was a shitty way to end my senior year of playing, but I felt like a jerk when I mentioned it. Our football season paled in comparison to the fact that people had lost their lives. Crazy how death puts things in perspective. I think it drove home how much things had changed. How one moment in time can alter everything.

CHAPTER 3

Addison Mom would kill me if she knew I was here. But that didn’t stop me from sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night. She was dead asleep when I left the house anyway. Mom was the heaviest sleeper I knew. She could sleep through anything. Therefore, I knew she’d never notice I was gone. Besides, I wasn’t scared of her. No punishment she could dole out would be worse than the nightmare my life had become. I’d already lost my brother and my dad. Lost my sense of security, my innocence, my happiness. There wasn’t much else to take. It was dark, but that didn’t bother me. There weren’t many people who would be comfortable hanging out in the cemetery in the middle of the night. In fact, when I was younger I never would have set foot in it. I’d always had an active imagination, and I’d watched way too many horror films. Back then when I passed a cemetery a chill would run up my spine. I’d picture dead bodies clawing their way out of the ground, ghosts soaring above the gravestones. But it didn’t seem scary to me anymore. Life was scary to me. Flesh and blood frightened me more than dead bodies lying in the ground. They couldn’t hurt me. Not the way my reality could. When I was here amidst the statues and headstones, I felt oddly at peace. When I sat in the grass in front of my brother’s grave I could finally breathe. My chest expanded, my shoulders relaxed. It was the only place I could be myself. The only place I could share how I felt. The only place it was safe to cry. At home I feared Mom would catch me. Then she’d want to have a heart-to-heart. I understood where her need came from, but I wasn’t in a place to open up to her. Hell, I wasn’t in a place to open up to anyone. But here there was no one to catch me. The dead couldn’t talk. But they could listen. I could talk until I was blue in the face and no one could interrupt me. Sometimes I imagined Ben pressing his palms to his ears when I talked. I imagined him begging me to shut up, the way he did when he was alive. Often,

the thought kept me talking. If only he really would rise from the grave and yell at me. Call me an annoying brat. I hated when he said that when he was alive, but I’d give anything to hear him say it now. But he never did. The cemetery stayed silent except for the sounds of the wind rustling through the leaves and the cars driving by in the distance. Bending my legs and tucking them close to my body, I rested my chin on my knees. A cool breeze blew over me, lifting the ends of my hair and whipping a few strands into my face. Reaching up, I wiped them away and shivered slightly. I tugged my jacket tight around my body. “Hey, Ben,” I spoke into the night sky. “Mom made me go to that damn grief counseling group today. Remember the one I told you about last time I visited? Well, it sucked as much as I thought it would.” I wrinkled my nose. “And it’s totally your fault that I had to go. When you were alive you were always making me do things I didn’t want to, like listen to that stupid rap music you liked, or order pepperoni pizza even though I wanted combo. And even though you’re gone, you’re still making me do things I don’t want to.” Anger surged through me. “In fact, it’s because of you that my whole world sucks right now. It’s your fault that Mom is all depressed and sad, and it’s because of you…” I sighed, my lips trembling. “It’s because of you I lost Dad.” A tear slipped down my face, and I frantically brushed it away. I may have been able to cry here, but that didn’t mean I wanted to. Crying had never been my thing. Mom was a crier. She’d get all weepy during sappy romance movies. I even caught her crying at a hallmark commercial once. It took a lot more than a movie or commercial to make me cry. In fact, Ben used to tease me that I wasn’t really a girl. That I had ice in my veins, a hollow heart. But he said it affectionately. He liked that I was tough. I may have dressed girly. I may have painted my nails and curled my hair, but I could keep up with the guys if I wanted. Now I wondered if that had been a mistake. Maybe Ben didn’t worry about leaving me because he thought I could handle it. If I’d been needier would he have stayed? I guess I’d never know. I often contemplated all of the things we could have done differently, but in the end I had no idea why Ben killed himself. Maybe I never would. He didn’t leave a note. And none of us had any indication he was about to take his life. Even his friends seemed baffled. How did all of us miss the signs?

It didn’t make sense to me, and I was convinced that someone knew something. Somebody had answers, and I planned to figure it out. If it was the last thing I did, I would find out who knew what happened to Ben that night. Finding out the truth was the only thing that mattered to me. I was convinced it was the only thing that would bring me peace. A twig snapped. My head bounced up, my pulse spiking. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled as I turned around. A dark figure approached. I inhaled sharply, folding in on myself like a book as it closes. “Addison?” The voice was familiar, but I couldn’t place it. As he came closer, moonlight sliced across his face, giving me a clear glimpse. Familiar irritation surfaced. What was he doing here? “Are you stalking me, Sawyer?” Hoisting myself off the ground, I wiped dirt of the back of my pants with my hands. “I could ask you the same thing.” His eyes twinkled in the darkness. “Only I was here first.” I crossed my arms over my chest, bobbing my head down to my brother’s gravestone. “And as you can see, I was here for a purpose.” “So was I.” Lifting his arm, he pointed toward a nearby gravesite. Flowers and football memorabilia were strewn around it. My insides coiled. No one left anything on my brother’s grave, and he was a hell of a lot better than Ryan. Still, I felt bad for jumping all over Sawyer. Clearly he was here visiting his friend. “I didn’t realize the two of you were so close.” Truth is, I would have expected to see Holden here, if anyone. He and Ryan had been best friends for a long time. It was a little surprising that Sawyer was the one taking Ryan’s death so hard. A storm raged inside of Sawyer’s eyes. “I was sitting next to him when he was shot.” My stomach knotted. That’s right. He had mentioned that in the group today. Now it made sense. I nodded. “Does it help?” He furrowed his brows. “What?” “Coming here.” If it helped Sawyer, maybe there was hope for me. He shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

Hope withered, and I frowned. “But I figure someone needs to come by and check on him. Make sure he’s still here and not causing trouble. You know Ryan. If there’s a way his ghost could escape and haunt people, he’ll do it.” A light chuckle escaped. I smiled. This was the Sawyer I was familiar with, and for some reason his joke loosened some of the tightness in my chest. For a moment it was like I’d gone back in time. Back to when things were normal. But then my surroundings came back into focus. We were in the middle of a cemetery. My life was unraveling. Nothing was normal, and no amount of joking could change that. Wrapping my arms around my middle, I hugged myself. “Well, I better go.” Ducking my head, I moved around him. “Wait,” he called after me. I spun around. “I didn’t mean to run you off.” He stepped closer to me. His smell was unfamiliar, and I couldn’t quite place it. Almost like a mixture of wood and leather. “Stay.” Biting my lip, I shook my head. “It’s fine. I need to get home anyway.” “I could use the company,” Sawyer said. “Ryan’s not much of a talker.” My heart softened a little. No one reached out to me anymore. At first my friend’s tried. They’d call and text, even stopped by my house a few times. But after a couple of weeks of freezing them out, they gave up. It was what I wanted, but it still hurt. I guess deep down I thought I meant more to them than that. I didn’t think it would be so easy to toss me aside. However, when I noted the hope in Sawyer’s eyes, the walls I’d carefully built around my heart flew up. I couldn’t afford to let anyone in right now. Besides, I was dead inside. Sawyer needed more than I could give. “I’m not much of a talker either. And I really have to go.” Flashing him an apologetic look, I whirled around and hurried out of the cemetery. I heard him holler out a goodbye, but I didn’t acknowledge it. The last thing I needed to do was make him think we’d forged a friendship, because we hadn’t. We may have run into each other a couple of times, but it didn’t mean anything.

I couldn’t be his friend right now. I couldn’t be anyone’s.

CHAPTER 4

Sawyer I couldn’t sleep. Not like that’s unusual. I hadn’t been able to sleep in weeks. And when I got too restless, I ended up here. So far visiting Ryan’s grave hadn’t given me the peace I yearned for. However, I kept finding myself here anyway. Almost like I was drawn by an unseen force. Sometimes it creeped me out, as if Ryan was the one calling me back here. In all my visits I’d never run into anyone else. And I never expected to. I didn’t imagine there were many people who wanted to hang out in a cemetery in the middle of the night. Before Ryan died, I’d only been here a few times, and all of those had been dares. In fact, one time had been with Ryan. We’d been out partying in a field nearby and Ryan started telling scary ghost stories. Holden had been there, and I remember him teasing Ryan, explaining that we weren’t little boys. As teenagers we didn’t believe in ghosts. So Ryan told him to prove it. And that’s when we all raided this place, dancing on gravestones and drinking beer under the trees. We made jokes about people’s names, and Ryan made a big show about calling out the dead and asking them to rise. Tonight the memory made me feel sick. Back then the dead were nothing more than names on granite. Now I knew some of them. Now it was personal. Now it was real. Too real. And I didn’t like it one bit. I was startled when I spotted Addison, but not upset. In fact, I was surprisingly relieved to find her here. Her presence made me feel a little less alone. Loneliness was new for me. I’d never been lonely before. Never had a chance to be. I was always surrounded by others – at school, at home, at football practice. And I was one of the popular kids, so I was never lacking a supply of friends. However, now I always felt alone, even when I was with others. There was this emptiness inside that never went away. When I looked into Addison’s eyes, I saw the same loneliness in her eyes, and it tugged at my heart. It was the first real connection I’d felt since Ryan’s death. And it was weird, because I’d been around lots of people who’d suffered loss. Hell, our entire school had. But Addison was different. She carried the pain with her. It swallowed her whole. She was clearly wrestling with similar demons, and it

made me feel close to her. Obviously the closeness didn’t go both ways though. She appeared to be desperate to get away from me. After she raced out of the cemetery, I dropped to the ground in front of Ryan’s gravestone. The flower display had grown, so the cheerleaders must have stopped by again. I wondered when they’d tire of doing this and move on. Probably when something new and exciting came along to steal their attention. Then again, maybe I was being too hard on them. Perhaps they were hurting too. Besides, I knew Ryan’s mom appreciated the gesture. So I guess it was helping. Picking up a stick, I drew lines in the dirt. Swirls with no rhyme or reason. When I was a kid I loved to draw, but that was ages ago. I also liked to eat bugs and stick rocks up my nose, so it didn’t mean anything. Dropping the stick, I sighed. My gaze dropped to Ryan’s name etched on the gravestone. I tried to picture him the way he’d been prior to his death. Attempted to conjure up the sound of his voice when he called me Riddles or when he teased me during a game. But no matter how hard I tried to focus on Ryan alive and well, the memories always morphed into the last moments of his life. It was those moments that swirled inside my head until I was dizzy and sick. The image of blood spurting, his body slumping forward, took precedence over every other memory. Angry, I slammed my hand into the ground. God, why couldn’t I make it go away? It was driving me insane, the visions plaguing me night and day. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go on like this. And I worried that ultimately it would destroy me. It would take away every ounce of sanity I had left. I’d end up like that crazy old lady that used to live next door to us. She’d wander the streets, mumbling unintelligible phrases after her husband passed. A few months later her children had her admitted into a convalescent hospital. I was a little too young to end up there, but I feared instead I’d end up in a straightjacket locked in a rubber room. I was desperate for something to ground me, something to keep my thoughts here on earth. To help me escape this vicious cycle that held me captive. The memories overshadowed everything else, and all I wanted was for them to go away. Groaning, I stood up, grabbing my head in my hands. Turning away from Ryan’s grave, I caught sight of a bouquet of wilting flowers nearby. Stalking towards it, I stared down at Preston’s name. Anger rose in me so strong it almost knocked me over. I wanted to feel sorry for the kid. And deep down I did. I

knew we treated him like crap, especially Ryan. But the son of bitch had ruined my life. He’d taken away my friend. He’d killed innocent people, stealing their future, as if he was god. As if he had a right to decide if they could live or die. And he’d left our school in shambles. He’d stolen our innocence, left us with fear. Left us with memories of things we never should have seen. And then he ended it. He put a gun to his own head, allowing himself a way out. I often wondered if that had been his plan all along. Like he’d known he wouldn’t be able to live with the horrors he’d inflicted that day. But I was still here. And I still had to live with it. Every moment of every day I had to keep going while the events of that day circled in my mind. It wasn’t fair. What gave him the right to do this to me? To any of us? Kicking the ground, a plume of dirt and dust flew through the air. I fisted my hands at my sides, longing for release. Longing to hit something or someone. Anything to let go of some of this anger and pain. Spotting a nearby tree, I moved toward it. Pulling back my arm, I threw it forward, my fist connecting with the bark. It stung more than I thought it would and I yelped, drawing my hand back. Blood oozed out of my knuckles. For a minute I thought I might have broken it, so I made a fist and then spread out my fingers. I blew out a sigh of relief when everything worked. The last thing I needed was to end up in the emergency room tonight with a broken hand. God, I was such an idiot. Who punched a tree? Better yet, who punched a tree without expecting it to hurt like hell? I watched blood run down my fingers and drop onto the dirt at my feet. Flashes of Ryan’s head lying on the cafeteria table with blood pooling around his hair filled my mind. I shook my head, willing it all away. Then I spun around and ran out of the cemetery. When I reached my car, I bent over and breathed deeply. I needed to stay out of there. It wasn’t helping. It wasn’t bringing me peace. If anything it was hindering me. I could see that now. As I drove away from the cemetery I didn’t dare look in my rearview mirror. I didn’t acknowledge it at all. And I wished I could do the same thing with my memories. Drive away from them. Leave them buried in the ground, never to be seen again. I was exhausted. All day I’d been walking around like a zombie. In first period we’d watched a

movie, and I almost fell asleep at my desk. Of course I guess it was to be expected since I didn’t sleep at night. At lunchtime I found Holden and Chloe sitting in the middle of a patch of grass in the quad and joined them. None of us ate in the cafeteria anymore. It was too painful. Chloe’s dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail and it swung behind her head like a kite in the breeze. She smiled when I plunked down beside Holden. “Hey, Sawyer.” At her greeting, my lips involuntarily tugged at the corners. There was something infectious about Chloe’s smiles. After everything she’d been through I always marveled at how genuinely happy she always seemed to be. While I endured my own horror the day of the shooting, Chloe had endured one just as bad. She’d been friends with Preston, but apparently he’d always wanted the friendship to grow into something more. When she got together with Holden, Preston saw it as the ultimate betrayal. Therefore, he threatened to kill Chloe after he’d shot Ryan. He pointed the gun at her and would’ve shot her if Holden hadn’t tackled him to the ground before he could pull the trigger. I couldn’t even imagine the kinds of nightmares she had. She never talked about it, but Holden had mentioned that she still struggled a little. “Hey, Chloe,” I responded, pulling my brown lunch bag out of my bag. “What happened to your hand?” Holden glanced down at the bandages wrapped around my fingers. “Had a little run in with a tree.” I gave him a sheepish smile. His eyebrows raised. “Wanna talk about it?” I knew Holden wasn’t immune to bursts of anger. Earlier this year he’d been so angry with his dad, he’d rammed his fist into a wall. However, I didn’t want to share what happened last night with him. Frankly, I wanted to forget the whole thing. So I shook my head. “Fair enough,” Holden grinned, letting me off the hook. He slipped an arm over Chloe’s shoulders. When she leaned into him, her eyelashes fluttering, I felt an odd pinch in my heart. It had been happening a lot lately when I hung out with them. Jealousy seemed to be constantly creeping up on me. Maybe because I saw how much their relationship had helped them to heal, and I desired that. Clearly my own methods weren’t working. After unscrewing the cap off my water bottle I took a sip. The cool liquid felt good as it swam

down my parched throat. A breeze whisked over me, smelling like grass and flowers. Setting my water down, I yanked out my sandwich and unwrapped it. I used to have a huge appetite, eating everything in sight. But lately food turned my stomach. I figured it had something to do with the fact that I was eating when Ryan was murdered in front of me. Not exactly an appetizing combination. Still, I knew I needed to eat. Besides, it might wake me up a little, give me some much needed stamina. “Wanna toss around the football tonight?” Holden asked. “Sure,” I said, grateful for the offer. Now I’d have something to keep my mind occupied tonight. I took a bite of my sandwich, my gaze scouring the quad. A few students were scattered throughout, sitting under trees or on the concrete with food spread in front of them. In the distance I caught sight of the basketball courts, a group of boys tossing around the orange ball. In middle school I thought I wanted to play basketball. When I didn’t make the team, I decided to switch to football. It was a good move. I ended up being way better at football than I was at basketball, and finally I’d found my sport. At first my mom had been upset. She worried about me getting a concussion or something. But Dad talked her into letting me try out. Not that I was surprised by that. I had two older sisters who were out of the house and married. Neither of them had ever played sports. Having me was a dream come true for Dad. He was desperate to have a son who he could talk and play sports with. Luckily, I made the team my freshman year. And I’d only suffered minor injuries over the years, so Mom had loosened up a bit. In fact, she came with Dad to most of my games and cheered me on. While Holden and Chloe talked about their plans for the weekend, my gaze landed on Addison sitting by herself across the quad. She was impossible to miss with her bright pink hair. Funny, I got the impression she wanted to be left alone, yet her stylistic choices were like a sign pointing people in her direction. She stood out more than ever before. A notebook was spread out over her crossed legs. She was hunched over it, writing furiously. Her demeanor indicated that she wasn’t working on a simple homework assignment. And why was she alone? She used to hang out with a big group of girls. Had they dropped her because of what happened with Ben? Remembering her ice queen act the couple of times we’d talked lately, I realized it was probably her who’d dropped them. Still, I felt sorry for her. I knew how grief

could tear you apart. How fear could keep you locked inside a prison of your own making. As I stared at her, sadness seeped into my veins, surging through me. The longer I watched her the more desperate I became to reach out to her. When I glanced back at Holden and Chloe, they were too lost in each other to even notice me. And it made me feel as alone as Addison. “Hey, I’m gonna take off. I…have something to take care of.” Gathering up my wrappers and halfeaten food, I shoved it all in my lunch bag and stood up. “Okay. See you tonight?” Holden reminded me. “Yeah. Tonight.” I nodded, flinging my backpack over my shoulder. “Bye Sawyer,” Chloe threw me a smile and wave. I returned it before spinning around and heading in Addison’s direction. As I approached, I steeled myself for her cold reception. She hadn’t invited me over here, and from our recent interactions I didn’t think she’d like me walking up unannounced. But that didn’t stop me. I was drawn to her in a way I couldn’t describe. “Hey,” I spoke tentatively when I reached her. Her head bounced up, her light eyes shining in the sunlight. “Hey.” When she responded it sounded more like a question then a greeting. She pursed those perfect lips, and I wanted to laugh. One of these days I was going to tell her that that look wasn’t nearly as menacing as she thought it was. In fact, she was lucky every guy she spoke to didn’t try to kiss her when she did that. A small smile played on my lips. “What?” She snapped, and I forced my face into neutral again. “I…um…” Reaching up, I scratched the back of my neck. “I just saw you sitting alone and thought I’d see if you wanted company.” I glanced down at the notebook in her lap. Following my gaze, she smothered the words on the page with her hand. Her nails were cut short and painted black. Chunky, metal rings lined each pale finger. “If I wanted company I’d have it.” Biting my lip, I nodded. Man, I wished she’d ditch the attitude. “Just because you’re one of those people who can’t stand being alone, you shouldn’t assume everyone else is the same way. Some of us enjoy solitude.” She narrowed her eyes. Annoyance sparked like a lit match. “You know, you really should think before you start making

assumptions too.” I shook my head. “You don’t know me as well as you think you do.” Some of the bravado she had a minute ago withered, a question filling her eyes. But it was too late. I was too irritated to back down now. “When I saw you at the grief counseling I thought maybe you and I could help each other. That maybe we could be friends. But clearly I was wrong.” When I started to back away from her, the bell rang out. Addison pressed the notebook to her chest and stood, her expression hard, challenging. It was like she was daring me to say or do something, but I didn’t know what. And I didn’t want to stand around and figure it out. “Don’t worry,” I said. “I won’t bother you again.” Darkness cloaked her expression, and I knew I failed the challenge. Not that I cared at this point. “Fine. Thanks for coming by to tell me that,” she snapped, and pivoted on her heels. As she stalked off, a paper fell out of her notebook and fluttered to the ground. I expected her to reach down to grab it, but she kept walking forward, seemingly unaware. A flurry of students walked toward us like birds flying in formation. Sighing, I stepped forward and bent down to pick up the paper. “Addison,” I called after her. I knew she heard me because her shoulders stiffened, but she didn’t turn. Instead she walked faster. Blowing out a breath, I glanced down at the paper. Darkness Creeps up on me Calling, beckoning Taunting, mocking I ignore, I hide, I run Searching for light But it’s fleeting It’s elusive Slipping through my grasp

But the darkness is near Blanketing me, enveloping me Until I’m surrounded Until there is no light left Only darkness Poetry? That’s what she was working on? Students pushed me, but I couldn’t move. I was frozen in place. She may have wanted nothing to do with me. She may have acted tough, like she didn’t need anyone. But this proved her wrong. This proved that she and I were exactly alike. But more importantly, it proved that she needed me.

CHAPTER 5

Addison “Mad” doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt when Mom forced me to go to the grief counseling group again. I fought her on it as much as I dared. Then I reluctantly gave in. The truth was, that no matter how angry I got with Mom, I never let myself unleash on her completely. There was something so sad and dark in her eyes. A sadness that threatened to devour me if I looked too hard or too long. And it made me feel sorry for her. She was maybe the only other person in the world who knew what I was going through. Even though it felt like she was the enemy at times, deep down I knew she was my ally. I wasn’t quite ready to extend the olive branch. There were too many unanswered questions, and I think a part of me blamed her for what happened. Bouncer granny wasn’t at the door this time, thank god. In fact, no one waited at the door at all. After stepping inside, I whirled around, preparing to glare at Mom. I was certain she was sitting in the car, staring after me. But to my surprise, all I caught was a glimpse of the tail end of her car as she sped out of the parking lot. My heart leapt in my chest. She wasn’t going to stand watch this time? Even as relief washed over me, I also felt a twinge of something else I couldn’t place. Some nagging, uncomfortable feeling low in my gut. What was more important to Mom than playing the part of my guard dog? Oh, whatever. It didn’t matter. I need to focus on the gift I’d been handed – the chance to escape. Without hesitation, I spun around and hightailed it out of the church. I knew I couldn’t go far. Mom would be back soon to pick me up. But there was a grassy area and some trees behind the church. I could hide in there until Mom returned. As my feet crunched over the grass, I wished I had brought my notebook. The group may not have helped me, but my writing did. Poetry was cathartic for me. I was convinced it helped me a lot more than sharing all my messed up thoughts with a bunch of strangers. Reaching down, I ran my fingers over the pocket of my jeans. My fingertips traced the outline of the pack of cigarettes nestled inside. At least I remembered these. Bending my head, I was about to duck under the branches of a nearby tree when a voice stopped me. “What are you doing?”

The hairs on the back of my neck prickled. Turning, my face hardened. “None of your business.” I had hoped my rude words and lethal glare would keep Sawyer from coming any closer. But apparently the guy couldn’t catch a hint. He stepped toward me. “You’re not coming inside?” “Taking granny’s place this week, huh?” I crossed my arms over my chest. “What?” His brows furrowed. Rolling my eyes, I had no desire to explain. Sarcasm didn’t seem to be working on him lately anyway. It’s like his grief had stolen his sense of humor. So instead, I answered his initial question. “No, I’m not going inside.” I shooed him away with my hands. “But you better run along. They’re probably starting.” “What if I’m more interested in talking with you?” Sawyer moved even closer to me, and I backed up, my heart picking up speed. “If I wanted to be around people, I wouldn’t be out here.” With shaky fingers, I tugged out the pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Sawyer’s eyes widened in a look of surprise. It was exactly the reaction I’d been hoping for. Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes was never going to keep hanging around me if he knew I was a smoker. If I was good at anything lately, it was repelling people. I imagined it could be my new super power. With a smirk, I placed a cigarette between my lips. “Do you really think you’re fooling anyone?” His words stunned me. Not at all the reaction I had been expecting. Ignoring his comment, I flicked on the lighter, watching the flame dance above it as it coated the end of the cigarette. Before I could suck in, Sawyer reached out and batted the cigarette away with his hand. It flew into the grass nearby. Sawyer stomped it out with his boot. “What the hell?” “This isn’t you, Addie.” “Addison!” I snapped. “Sorry,” he apologized. “Addison.” “And how do you know who I am? We’ve barely had a handful of conversations.” I shoved the lighter back in my pocket. I’d thought of trying to light up again, if for no other reason than to spite him.

But I was afraid he’d swat that one away too. It was difficult enough to get a pack of cigarettes. I didn’t want to keep wasting the ones I had. “There are other ways to get to know someone.” “Ahh, I see.” I nodded with understanding. “So you think just because we’re both grieving someone that we’re the same. Let me clue you into something. We’re not. You lost a friend. I lost my family. It’s not the same thing. You have no idea what I’m going through, so stop trying to act like you do.” The expression on his face made me wish I’d kept my mouth shut. Pity wasn’t something I wanted. In fact, it was something I loathed with every part of my being. “I know it’s different,” he spoke softly. “We’ve suffered in completely different ways. But I have to disagree with you about us not being the same. We are the same, you and I. Not in every way, but in some ways.” Swallowing hard, I shook my head. When he took another step toward me, irritation swam through my veins. Didn’t the guy know anything about personal space? “I don’t know what you hope to accomplish by talking to me, but if you think we’re going to have some heart-to-heart, or become BFFs, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.” “Why do you do this?” He asked, his eyes searching mine. I backed up further, trying to escape his intense gaze, but my back rammed right into a tree. “Why are you so scared to let someone in?” “I’m not scared,” I replied angrily. “I could let someone in if I wanted to.” “Then do it.” “I said, if I wanted to,” I clarified. “But I don’t. And if I did, it sure as hell wouldn’t be you.” “Oh, I think it would be me.” “Really? And why is that?” I had no idea why I was encouraging him, but truthfully he had me a little curious. His conviction seemed to be deeper than him having a large ego. “Because I know what it’s like to feel lonely.” The air left me. I wanted to ask him what he was talking about, but I couldn’t formulate the words. I felt dizzy, sick. Reaching into his pocket, he yanked out a folded up piece of binder paper. When he smoothed it out, I recognized it immediately, and my stomach dropped.

“How did you get that?” I spoke through gritted teeth, snatching the paper from his hand. “You dropped it when you ran away from me at school the other day,” he explained calmly. “I called out after you, but you ignored me.” “So you read it?” He was looming over me, so close we were almost touching. My heart pounded erratically beneath my chest, the paper quivering between my fingers. “I was curious.” He shrugged, one side of his lip curling upward. Damn, it was cute, and that pissed me off even more. I reached out to shove him away, but his hands wrapped around my wrists. The force of it caused my fingers to open, the paper fluttering to the ground. It landed in the grass near my feet. I glanced down at it helplessly. “Stop running away,” he spoke so forcefully that I stopped fighting him. “Stop pretending you don’t care; that nothing matters to you; that you don’t feel things. The girl who wrote this feels things. She feels them very deeply. And she’s tired of being alone.” His gaze crashed into mine. “So am I.” Hunger flashed in his eyes and he angled his head. His grip on my wrists tightened. I knew what was coming, and I knew I should stop it. So why didn’t I? Before I could register anything else, his lips slammed into mine. The kiss wasn’t soft. He didn’t take his time. Didn’t ask politely. Didn’t make sure I was okay with it. Instead, every movement was sloppy, desperate, hard. And I was grateful. I didn’t want to be treated with kid gloves. I didn’t want gentle. His mouth clamped over mine forcefully, his fingernails digging into the flesh of my wrists. Closing my eyes, I allowed myself to feel every push and pull, every touch, every motion. I sank into him, savoring the pressure of his lips as they moved manically, opening and closing as if tasting me. His tongue forced its way into my mouth, thrusting over mine, and I honed in on the feel of it. I reached up, clutching his shirt in my hand, encouraging him to continue. I drew him even closer as if it was possible for us to fuse into one person. I wanted to give him all my pain. Give him my fears, my loneliness, my darkness. As the kiss deepened, it was like he was inhaling it, breathing it in. It was as if it poured out of me, slipped off my tongue. Sawyer’s hands left my wrists and slid up my arms, circling my neck. His fingers slipped beneath my hair, and that’s when I realized nothing was free. I might have been able to release my pain, but it came at a price, because Sawyer was releasing his too.

And I knew I wasn’t that girl. The one he needed. The one who could help him. I tore my lips from his and shoved him back. Startled, his hands fell from my neck. “It was just a stupid poem. It didn’t mean anything.” Narrowing my eyes, I added, “And neither did this.” Unable to look at his face, I stared hard at the ground and hurried away from him.

CHAPTER 6

Sawyer I hadn’t planned on kissing her. Not that I hadn’t thought about it before. Every time she puckered up those sexy lips of hers the idea crossed my mind. But this time she hadn’t pursed her lips. She hadn’t done anything sexy at all. Hadn’t encouraged me in any way. In fact, it’s safe to say she’d perfected the pissed off look. My desire to kiss her didn’t come from attraction. It came from need. Don’t get me wrong, I found her attractive. However, it was my desperation that drove me to kiss her. The desperation to connect with her on a deep level. To make her feel, to make her open up. And she did. I felt it in the way she responded to me, in the way she held tightly to my shirt. She felt something. She connected with me. I was sure of it. And that’s why I couldn’t let her run away. By the time I reached her, she’d finally lit up that cigarette she seemed to want so badly. She leaned against a tree near the edge of the parking lot. A smile tugged at my lips at the fact that she hadn’t made it very far. I remembered that her mom had driven here last time and surmised that must be the case again. “God, you seriously do not know when to take a hint,” she said. Facing her, I rested my shoulder against the tree. “I don’t know if I’d call what you said a hint. I’d say it was pretty darn spelled out.” “Then what are you doing here?” She brought the cigarette to her lips and sucked in. As it crackled, the end turned bright red. Watching her, my lips buzzed at the memory of our mouths pressed together. I shrugged. “What are any of us doing here?” She glared, blowing out a stream of smoke. It whisked over my face. “I didn’t mean why are you here on earth? I meant why are you here, standing next to me?” “I know, but I guess I’ve been wondering more about the big picture lately.” I studied her face, lingering on her bright green eyes. If only she knew how expressive they were. There was a lot more than

anger inside of them. “Preston could’ve shot me just as easily as he shot Ryan. I can’t help but feel like I’m living on borrowed time. And it makes me wonder why, you know? Like what’s my purpose? Why am I still here?” I hadn’t shared these thoughts with anyone else before, and I had no idea why I was sharing them now. And why was I telling this angry girl who’d pushed me away on more than one occasion? She gave me the subtlest of nods. “Sometimes I wish Ben had taken me with him. I get angry that he took the easy way out, and he left me to deal with the hard stuff.” And then I knew why I’d told her. She did understand how I felt. “As embarrassed as I am to admit it, I feel the same way. I mean, I’m glad I survived, but sometimes I feel jealous of Ryan. I know that sounds crazy, but he doesn’t have to deal with the nightmares and memories the way I do.” She glanced over at the church. “Does the group help you?” “A little,” I answered honestly. She sighed, dropping her cigarette to the ground and smashing it with the toe of her shoes. “I’m not like you. I don’t like to talk about how I feel.” “Then don’t.” I reached for her hand, sliding my fingers through hers. Her gaze lowered to our hands linked between us. “What do you want from me, Sawyer?” “Nothing,” I answered. A bitter laugh escaped from her throat. “Everyone wants something.” “Okay, fair enough. I do want something.” “I knew it,” her tone hardened. “I want you to stop running from me.” Her eyes snapped to mine. “I know you think I can help you, but I can’t. Not now. I’m too broken.” “I didn’t say I wanted you to help me. I just said I wanted you to stop running away from me.” I smiled, squeezing her hand tighter. “But why? Why do you care?” “Call me crazy, but I like you.” She pulled her hand away. “Now I know you’re lying.” “Well, I’m not basing this all on our last few conversations.” At my statement, a small smile

tugged at the edge of her lips. “The girl standing before me is much different than the one I’ve gone to school with for years.” Darkness flashed in her eyes. “If you’re holding out hope that she’ll come back, let me make this easy for you – that girl is gone.” “I know,” I said. “Because the old Sawyer, the one everyone called Riddles, is gone too. And I know you get that. It doesn’t seem like anyone else does, and that’s why I like you.” “You like me because I’m just as messed up in the head as you?” She chuckled. “Something like that.” I reached for her hand again. “What do you say?” “To what?” Her eyebrows knit together. “Will you stop running away from me?” I tugged her closer. She gave me a pensive look. “Maybe. If you promise not to make me go back to that stupid group. And you stop stealing my poems.” “Deal.” I grinned. “But I should point out that I wouldn’t have stolen your poem if you hadn’t run away from me.” She shook her head. With my free hand, I touched her face. Her skin was silky beneath my fingertips, and I ached to kiss her again. But then noise sounded behind us. Addison’s eyes widened. When I peered behind me, I saw people filing out of the church. Addison’s gaze swept the parking lot. “My mom will be here any minute.” I dropped my hand, disappointment sinking into my gut. “You don’t drive?” “I do, but my mom insists on driving me here.” She frowned. “To make sure I actually go.” “A lot of good it does,” I teased her. She tossed me a smile. God, she was pretty when she smiled. I vowed to make her do it as often as possible. “Shit. She’s here.” She sprang into action. “Walk out with me. Maybe if she sees us talking she’ll think I made a friend or something.” “Didn’t you?” “Ha ha. I’m gonna have to start calling you Riddles again.” She moved away from the cluster of

trees, and I followed her. “Do I smell like smoke?” “So bad it’s like an ashtray,” I replied honestly. She narrowed her eyes at me. I threw up my arms. “You asked.” Sighing, she said, “Oh, well. Nothin’ I can do now.” When we reached her mom’s car, she turned to me. “I guess I’ll see you later?” “Yeah.” After she opened the passenger door, I ducked my head down to peek inside. The stunned look Addison threw me was comical. “Hi, Mrs. West,” I spoke to her mom. “I’m Sawyer. Addison and I go to school together.” “Nice to meet you.” She said to me, but then eyed her daughter funny. “I’ve been attending this group for a little while, and I’m happy to give Addison a ride to the next meeting.” Mrs. West nodded. “That would be great, actually. I have some things I have to take care of.” Addison flashed me a look of gratitude that made it all worth it. “I’ll talk to you at school, Addison.” “Okay,” she answered softly before slipping inside the car and closing the door. As her mom drove off, I watched Addison through the window, her purple hair shining in the sunlight. When they neared the street, she craned her neck, and our eyes met. Lifting my hand, I gave her a little wave, and I saw the ghost of a smile play on her lips before the car pulled out of the lot. The small smile may not have seemed like a big deal, but to me it was everything. The football soared right past me. In fact, it almost hit me in the head. It was so close, wind whistled over my ear. With a groan, I reached down and picked it up out of the thick reeds of grass. It was a little colder tonight, dark grey clouds rolling in overhead. I shivered as I stood back up. “Dude, watcha thinkin’ about?” Holden hollered out from across the field. “Nothin’.” I shrugged, tossing the ball back to him. “Your head’s in the clouds, man.” After catching the ball, he started jogging in my direction.

“Chloe’s been forcing me to talk about my feelings and crap,” he said when he reached me. “And I know you were sitting right next to Ryan when he was…” his words trailed off, and he stared at me as if begging me to say something. Anything to put him out of his misery. Chuckling, I shook my head. “Relax. You don’t have to get all Dr. Phil on me. This isn’t about Ryan.” I marveled at the fact that this was the first time in weeks I wasn’t thinking about Ryan. The effect Addison had on me was overwhelming. “Then what is it about?” The football was tucked under his arm. The baseball cap he wore sat low on his forehead, and his eyes were almost hidden in the shadows. A tiny grin leapt to my face. Holden nodded his head, his eyes widening in understanding. “This is about a girl, huh?” “Did we come out here to gab like a couple of chicks or are we gonna play ball?” I nudged him. “We will as soon as you tell me who the girl is.” Holden moved the ball out of my reach. “When did you get so nosy?” I joked. “Quit stalling. If you won’t tell me, I’ll just start listing names.” I should have let him do that. He never would’ve guessed Addison. But I didn’t want to stand out here all night while he attempted to guess. “It’s Addison West. Now can we play?” “Addison West, huh?” Surprise flickered in his eyes. “Didn’t realize you were into girls with purple hair.” “Didn’t realize you were into band girls,” I bantered back. Anger sparked in his eyes, but he quickly tempered it. “Point taken.” Whistling, he backed away from me. “Okay, we’ll play, but only if you think you can stop thinking about Addison long enough to actually catch the damn ball.” “Oh, it’s on.” I punched my fist into my palm as I waited for Holden to throw the ball. I felt a little lighter since telling Holden about Addison. I wasn’t sure how people would react when they saw us together. We were a mismatched pair. But after fielding his reaction, I realized I didn’t care what other people thought. This wasn’t about them. This was about me and Addison, and what we needed. Life was short and unpredictable.

Therefore, I wanted to make the most of every moment.

CHAPTER 7

Addison The dining room was empty. It had been that way for months. Stepping inside, I ran the pads of my fingers over the wooden surface. When I drew them back they were covered in dust. The chairs were neatly pushed in, the candle in the center of the table dark. As my gaze landed on the chair Ben used to sit in, my stomach clenched. The television sounded from the other room. A few minutes earlier, I’d heard the microwave ding. No doubt Mom was eating dinner in front of the TV again tonight. Not that she cooked anymore. I was sure it was one of the prepackaged meals. Not that it mattered. I wasn’t hungry anyway. Glancing down at my body, I cringed. I had always been thin. One of those girls who could eat anything and not gain weight. My friends were constantly jealous of me. But the truth was that I envied their curves. Kids hadn’t called them Macaroni Girl when they were in elementary school. I had finally started to fill out a little last year, but lately I’d lost all those extra pounds. I was now skin and bones, a walking skeleton. Moving around the table, I touched the chair that used to be mine. It was across from Ben’s. We liked to make faces at each other while Mom and Dad talked. Sometimes we’d kick each other from under the table. But subtly, so our parents didn’t notice. That was our game – to see how far we could go without getting caught. Apparently throwing food was where that line was drawn. The one time we tried it we both got in trouble and had to finish eating in our rooms. Dinnertime used to be eventful, used to be full of laughter and noise, good food. Now it was solitary. A microwaved meal in front of the television. One more reason I was angry with Ben. I often wondered if he ever thought about the affect his death would have on me. Did he even ponder it at all? I used to think we were close. Sure, we fought like all siblings, but we also had a lot of fun. We hung out, we watched movies, we played games, sometimes we even shared secrets. But he never told me this. He never once hinted that he wanted to end his life. In fact, he never even seemed sad to me. In the days leading up to his death, I remembered him laughing and talking like he hadn’t a care in the world.

Looking back, I could remember some things that seemed off about him in the months before his death, but nothing too alarming. And that’s what nagged at me. Even his best friend Kevin had been surprised. Told me Ben hadn’t given him any indication he was going to do this. It didn’t make any sense. Leaving the dining room and its unwanted memories behind, I shuffled upstairs to my room. I didn’t bother grabbing anything to eat. Nothing sounded good anyway. When I reached my bedroom, I glanced at the closed door across the hall. Ben’s room. The scratches were still present from when Ben tried to carve his name in the door. I could still make out a scary B and something resembling an E. He’d never gotten around to adding the N. The jagged letters mocked me, and my insides coiled into tiny knots. Knots so tiny they almost squeezed the air right out of me. No one went in Ben’s room anymore. Mom had tried at first, thinking someone should go through his stuff. But it had been too painful for her. With a shudder, I slipped into my room and closed my door. As I hopped up onto my bed, I wished it was that simple to shut myself away from the world. That it was as simple as the slam of a door, the pull of a doorknob, the click of a lock. But my pain and sorrow always found its way back to me no matter what I did. Pulling my legs up close to my body I got out my phone. Clicking on my Instagram app I scrolled through the pictures. Everyone looked so happy and carefree. It made my stomach knot. No one else was hiding away in their room, trying to escape their pain. Instead, they were all taking selfies, showing off their newest look or hanging with friends. Before I knew it, I found myself on Sawyer’s account. Curious, I searched through his pictures, feeling like a stalker. Social media was weird like that. You could glimpse someone’s life without them even knowing. In other instances it would be considered a crime, but in this instance it was totally acceptable. Most of Sawyer’s pictures were football related – football memes or pictures of his favorite players. He did have some of himself – playing football or a few of him out with the guys. I paused over one, my pulse quickening. It was from months ago. His smile was large, innocence filling his eyes. That

innocence was gone now. His life had been irrevocably changed. The happy go lucky guy in this photo had vanished, and he’d never come back. Not completely. I knew that better than anyone. The old Sawyer, the one everyone called Riddles, is gone too. And I know you get that. It doesn’t seem like anyone else does, and that’s why I like you. As much as I hated to admit it, Sawyer was right. We were alike. Swiping my fingertip over the screen, I touched Sawyer’s face, remembering what it was like when he touched and kissed me. The way his lips felt on mine, the way he stared at me with such intensity it caused a chill to snake down my spine. Sure, I’d been kissed before, but never like that. Before today, the most memorable kiss I’d experienced was with Justin, one of my brother’s friends. It was freshman year, and Justin was over spending the night. Ben had fallen asleep and Justin had ventured out of Ben’s room. I’d had a secret crush on Justin for years, but never thought anything would ever happen between us. It couldn’t. My brother would kill us both, I was sure of it. But that night Justin found me in the family room watching some chick flick. I’d always been a night owl. Even before Ben’s death, insomnia had plagued me. Justin admitted that he had trouble sleeping as well, and he joined me on the couch. Next thing I knew we were making out. It was intense and forbidden. The best kiss ever. Until now. The kiss between Sawyer and I may not have been forbidden. He wasn’t an older guy I’d had a crush on for years. And yet, the heat between us was undeniable. When his lips pressed to mine it was like he ignited something inside of me. Something I hadn’t even known was there. And I wanted him in a way that I’d never wanted anyone before. My body craved him. I craved him. But I knew it was wrong. Everything about it was. The timing, the reason. Everything. Yet even so, I found myself wanting to kiss him again.

CHAPTER 8

Sawyer “Everything okay, son?” Dad sat across from me at the kitchen table, one eyebrow raised. He reminded me of one of those detectives on TV with his slicked back dark hair and pensive expression. Which I guess made sense. He was a manager at his job, and he was known for getting his employees to spill their guts. No one could get away with anything when it came to my dad. I know I never had been able to. “Yep,” I answered with a shrug. Dad speared a piece of lettuce onto his fork. “Really? Because it seems like your mind is elsewhere.” My mind was elsewhere, all right. I’d spent the entirety of dinnertime daydreaming about Addison’s purple hair, green eyes, and sexy lips. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. It was difficult even before I kissed her. Now it was impossible. She was taking over my thoughts, consuming me the same way a fire did. It started off as nothing more than a spark, but then it turned into a flame and pretty soon it burned through everything in sight. “Did you have your grief counseling group this week?” Dad pressed. Mom lifted her head, suddenly very interested in the conversation. I confided in Dad more often than Mom. It wasn’t because I was closer to Dad necessarily. It was because Dad coped with things better, especially related to the shooting. Mom got all weepy, her eyes concerned, her lips trembling. Talking to her only succeeded in causing her to worry more than she already was. And that didn’t help me. Dad remained neutral, his face giving away nothing. It was easier that way. I nodded. “Is it going well?” Mom interjected, the quivering lips starting up like the revving of an engine. Pretty soon it would be a full-blown tremor, and then the waterworks would come next. “Very,” I assured her, and the relief in her expression was instant. Thankfully the trembling died down. I figured it was safe to try out the Addison topic now. “A friend of mine from school started coming.”

“Oh. A friend of Ryan’s too?” Dad asked. “No. She’s not attending because of what happened at school. She lost her brother,” I explained. Pity filled Mom’s eyes, so I turned away from her. “A girl, huh?” Dad pinned me with a knowing look. Unable to meet his gaze, I cut a piece of chicken and popped it into my mouth. I stared hard at my plate, studying the blue and white pattern around the edges. The memory of the day Mom bought them leapt into my mind. We spent hours in the department store while Mom painstakingly searched through the dining ware. When she found this set she asked what I thought. I remembered snapping at her, telling her they all looked the same, so she should just pick one. It’s funny the things that used to upset me. Now spending hours in a store with Mom didn’t sound as bad as it used to. Maybe because I knew that tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed. Lately I’d been slowing down, becoming more patient. And I found enjoyment in things that used to bother me. “Yeah.” I shrugged like it was no big deal. But I was sure my face gave away how I really felt about Addison. It was hard to hide. Holden had seen right through me, and he wasn’t nearly as intuitive as my parents. “I’ve actually known her for awhile. Knew her brother too.” “How did he die?” Mom asked, her eyes crinkling at the corners. She’d stopped eating. Talk of death had ruined her appetite. Death had a way of doing that. And it seemed that it colored so many of our conversations lately. “Suicide.” My stomach clenched the way it always did when I thought of Ben. It didn’t make sense to me that he would choose to end his life that way. Mom’s hand flew to her mouth, a small gasp escaping. “Did you know him well?” Dad cleared his throat. After setting down his fork, he ran a napkin across his lips and then pushed back his plate that was only half-empty. Apparently dinner was over. Not that I was disappointed. The conversation had been a major downer. “No, not really. He was older than me, but we talked a couple of times. And sometimes I ran into him around town.” I paused. An image flashed in my mind, causing my insides to twist. I’d seen Ben two days before he’d died. But that wasn’t the significant part. It was who he was with, and what he was

doing. At the time it seemed like nothing more than a benign encounter. I hadn’t really given it a second thought. Not until right now. But it did mean something. That was clear. Only I wasn’t sure I could share it. At least not with Addison. Not now that she was starting to open up to me. If she knew what I’d witnessed, she’d be angry. Angry that I hadn’t told her sooner. Angry that I’d told her at all. Angry that it happened. Just plain angry. I didn’t like angry on her. I liked when she smiled. That was the Addison I wanted to see more of. The smiling Addison. That was why I had to keep this to myself. At least for a little while. Besides, perhaps I was wrong. Maybe it meant nothing at all. I spotted her sitting across the quad, her back resting against the side of the building. Her head was bent down as she wrote in her notebook. A wall of purple hair hid her face. Hurriedly, I made my way towards her. The closer I got, I felt my lips tugging at the corners while my palms filled with moisture. “Hey, Riddles. We’re sitting over here today.” Holden intercepted me, pointing over my shoulder. When I turned, I saw Chloe sitting in the grass under a tree, her lunch in her lap. I felt conflicted, until my gaze rested on Addison again. There was no doubt where my heart wanted to go. “Um…” I scratched the back of my neck. “Actually I was going to sit…um…somewhere else today.” Holden followed my stare, a knowing grin on his face. “Ahh, I see.” He slapped me on the back. “Have fun. I’ll catch up with ya later.” “Yeah.” I nodded as he stepped past me. Taking a deep breath, I walked with clipped strides to reach Addison. She didn’t even glance up at me until I plopped beside her. “What are you doing here?” Her tone wasn’t exactly friendly, but it wasn’t as mean as before, so that was a start. I shrugged. “Hoping to join you for lunch.” She narrowed her eyes in a look of skepticism. Then she lowered her head and kept writing.

“Watcha writing?” I peered over at the paper. Blowing out a frustrated sigh, she covered the words with her hand. “Come on. I’ve already read one of your poems.” “Not because I showed it to you,” she said. And she did have a point. I nudged her in the side. “Maybe I’ll get lucky and you’ll drop this one too.” This elicited a tiny smile. “Don’t count on it.” Reaching in my backpack, I pulled out a soda and popped the top. It cracked and sizzled, the carbonation rising. “Have you always written poetry?” She nodded. “Since I was a little girl. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. It’s my way of processing things. When I’m writing, everything seems all right with the world.” I loved the way her eyes shone when she spoke of writing. “That’s kind of how I feel about football. I know it’s not the same as creating something the way you do when you write, but it helps to calm me.” “I can see that.” She closed her notebook and faced me. It was a small gesture, but it felt significant to me. A group of girls walked past, all laughing and chatting loudly. Addison stiffened, her lips pressing tightly together. Her gaze jumped away from the girls, like she feared they’d catch her looking. I looked up, recognizing the girls as Addison’s former friends. Once they were gone, I turned to Addison. “What’s the story there? How come you don’t hang out with them anymore?” She shook her head. “I thought I made it clear that I’m not like you, Sawyer. I don’t want to share my feelings. That’s the reason I write. So I can get it all out without having to talk about it.” Agitated, she shoved her notebook into her backpack and stood. “This was a bad idea.” Flinging the backpack over her shoulder, she spun around. Panic bloomed inside my chest. I set my soda down and leapt off the ground. Before Addison could walk away, I caught her arm, circling my fingers around her wrist. Then I yanked her toward me. Her eyes widened as I brought my face close to hers. “You made me a promise,” I said firmly. “You said you wouldn’t run away from me again.”

“And you promised not to pry.” She lifted her head defiantly. I chuckled. “No, I didn’t. I promised not to make you go back to the group, and not to steal your poems. I have no intention of making you go to the counseling, and I haven’t taken one of your poems. I’ve held up my end of the deal. Are you going to hold up yours?” She bit her lip, and damn if it didn’t make me want to kiss her. I swallowed hard, waiting for her response. “Fine,” she finally said. It wasn’t exactly an invitation to kiss her, but I took it like it was. Drawing her forward, I pressed my lips to hers. She wriggled her arm free and stepped back. “What the hell was that?” I flashed her my most innocent smile. “I never promised not to kiss you.” She glared. “I might need to add that to the list.” “No, you won’t.” A stunned expression painted her face. “What?” “I’d never agree to it.” I stepped closer. “Besides, I don’t think you hate it as much as you want me to think you do.” She shook her head. “Anyone ever tell you that you have a big head?” Reaching up, I ran my fingers through my hair. “I think its normal sized.” Addison rolled her eyes. “I think you’re earning back your nickname today.” “C’mon.” I touched her arm. “Let’s sit back down.” After giving me one last hesitant glance she exhaled and then sank down onto the ground. I sat next to her and dug into my backpack, searching for my lunch. Once I’d taken a bite of my sandwich, I noticed Addison hadn’t gotten any food out. “You’re not hungry?” She tossed me an exasperated look. “What?” I threw up my arms as if I was involved in a stick up. “I can’t even ask if you’re hungry?” Without responding, she crossed her arms over her chest.

Leaning toward her I said, “Okay, I won’t force you to talk about things that make you uncomfortable. But surely we can make small talk, right?” Her face softened a bit. “No, I’m not hungry. I haven’t really been in awhile.” I knew that feeling. In the weeks after Ryan’s death, food turned my stomach. “I know it’s hard, but you have to eat something.” She was already so thin, but I didn’t want to mention that. It was clear that wouldn’t go over well. “Are you here as my friend or my shrink?” I wasn’t going to let her walk all over me at every turn. “I’m your friend, Addison. And as your friend I’m telling you that you need to eat. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t care.” Dipping my hand into my ziplock bag, I pulled out the uneaten half of my sandwich. “Here.” She eyed me funny a minute, but I knew I had her. Finally she wrapped her hand around the sandwich. “Thanks,” she mumbled, bringing the sandwich to her mouth. As I watched her bite into it, I felt irrational jealousy. God, what I wouldn’t give to be that sandwich right now. When she brought the sandwich down, a couple of crumbs stuck to the lipgloss on her lips. Reaching out my hand, I brushed away the crumbs with my fingertips. Her lips felt soft and supple beneath the pads of my fingers. I longed to keep touching her, but I could tell she was already getting uncomfortable. Her gaze darted around the quad as if making sure no one was looking. Honestly, it damaged my ego a bit. “Addison, are you embarrassed by me?” I dropped my hand into my lap. “What do you mean?” Her eyebrows knit together. “You keep looking around like you want to make sure no one is noticing us. Are you worried someone is going to think we’re together or something?” “Aren’t you?” I shook my head emphatically. “Not at all. Why would I be?” “I’m a freak, Sawyer. A girl with piercings and purple hair.” “I think it looks nice.” I touched one of her colorful strands. “Besides, your hair and piercings aren’t who you are. They’re just a choice you made. If you don’t like it, why’d you do it in the first

place?” When anger flashed in her eyes, I worried that I’d gone too far. For a moment I’d forgotten to tread carefully; forgotten how easily I could push her away. She’d made it clear that she was always looking for an excuse to take off. But then she dropped her head, her gaze landing to the hands that were clasped in her lap. All of the anger and bravado she’d had up until this moment vanished. She appeared so vulnerable that I wanted to sweep her into my arms. To hold her close, to stroke her hair and whisper that everything would be okay. But I couldn’t do that. Not because I was sure she’d push me away, but because I wouldn’t make idle promises to her. I wouldn’t tell her everything would be okay, because I wasn’t sure that it would be. “Because if they’re talking about my purple hair or my piercings, they’re not talking about my brother. I’d rather be a freak because I choose to, not because my brother killed himself.” She spoke so softly I barely caught the words, and her eyes stayed glued to her hands. But I was grateful for the confession. Grateful that she’d opened up to me at last. And now I understood her better than before. I didn’t bother giving her platitudes. In fact, I didn’t say anything at all. Just covered her hands with mine and sat in silence.

CHAPTER 9

Addison I still didn’t know what we were doing. Every day I questioned my sanity. I had to be crazy to keep spending so much time with Sawyer, right? We weren’t good for each other. And there was no way this thing between us would last. At best we were using each other. At worst we’d end up breaking each other’s hearts. Either way, I had the sinking feeling it wasn’t going to end well. That’s why I told myself every morning that I was going to tell him to get lost. And I’d even tried it a few times, but the guy was persistent. However, that wasn’t the only reason. The truth was that if I wanted to get rid of him, I could. Hell, I’d gotten rid of all my friends, and some of them had been in my life since preschool. Surely I could push away a guy I’d known for like a minute. But I kind of liked having him around. It made life a little less bleak. In fact, I’d found myself actually looking forward to something for a change, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to give that up. But it didn’t stop me from worrying about what would happen when it all came crashing down. And I knew that it would. Both of us were grieving. We were carrying around too much baggage to make any kind of relationship work. Sometimes I imagined we were ticking time bombs and we’d explode at any moment. And I dreaded when that moment came. I feared the damage it would leave, the injuries that would result. However, today I didn’t want to dwell on that. It was sunny outside and the air carried a fragrant breeze. And, to top it all off, I had an entire day to spend with Sawyer without Mom breathing down my neck. She thought we were at group, but instead we were lying under a tree in the park, our hands intertwined between us. Clouds moved lazily across the light blue sky. In the distance the sound of children’s voices rang out. It reminded me of when Ben and I were younger. We used to love the playground at the park. My favorite was the swings, but his was the slides. I probably would have liked the slides a little better if he didn’t insist on pushing me down them. I couldn’t even recount how many times I’d landed in the bark

face first because of Ben. Still, I liked playing with him. I followed him around like I was his shadow for years. And he let me. Sure he harassed me and we fought sometimes. But didn’t all siblings? For the most part we were close. Closer than most of the siblings I’d known. “Look at that cloud. It totally looks like a pair of boobs.” Sawyer’s voice cut into my thoughts. My head whipped in his direction. “Did you seriously just say that to me?” “Got your attention, didn’t it?” He winked. I glanced up at the sky. “I don’t see any cloud that looks like boobs.” Sawyer laughed lightly. “I know. There isn’t one.” “You couldn’t think of anything less crude to say to get my attention?” I continued to stare at the sky. “I actually said a lot of things. That was just the only thing you chose to hear.” Glaring, I rolled my head to look at him again. “Oh, yeah? What did you say?” “I told you that there was a cloud that looked like a bunny and one that resembled Santa Claus, but you completely ignored me. Only when I mentioned the word ‘boobs’ did you finally listen. It’s not my fault if you only respond to crudeness.” “You did not say those other things,” I insisted. “Actually, I did. Honest.” His face appeared serious. He didn’t have that smirk he usually wore when he was teasing. My stomach clenched at the realization that I was getting to know him so well I could read his expressions. There were very few people in the world that I could do that with. Ben was one of them. So was my dad. And I’d lost them both. Could I handle losing anyone else? I wasn’t sure. Once again I was reminded at how stupid I was being to continue to hang out with Sawyer. Before I could say anything Sawyer’s pocket buzzed. He released my hand and sat up. After taking his phone out, he stared at the screen a minute and then typed something with his thumbs. I sat up too. “Girlfriend checking on you?” He tossed me an incredulous look. “You know I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Holden then?” Appearing as nonchalant as I could, I said, “Are you supposed to toss around the football with him today?” Inside I was praying that wasn’t the case. As selfish as it was, I wanted to spend the day with Sawyer. He only promised to stay with me until it was time to take me home from “group.” But secretly I’d been hoping we could hang out longer. Mom wouldn’t object if she knew I was with Sawyer. She trusted him, I could tell. Plus, she thought he was helping me, and I guess maybe she was right. Not that I would need much of an excuse. This morning I sensed that Mom’s mind was a million miles away. Shaking my head, I forced the thoughts away. I didn’t want to think about Mom, or Dad, or Ben right now. It was too painful. “No, not today. He’s with Chloe.” Sawyer turned to me. “And I’m with you.” My heart skipped a beat. I glanced away so he wouldn’t see the longing in my eyes. “So then who was it?” I didn’t know why I kept pressing, but for some reason I couldn’t help my curiosity. “My dad.” He shoved the phone back into his pocket. “Ever since…you know…” he let the words trail off. It’s not like he needed to verbalize them. I knew exactly what he was referring to. “He worries, so he checks on me throughout the day. You know how it is.” I actually didn’t know how it was. Sure, I knew what it was like to have my mom breathing down my neck, but not my dad. My dad was gone. Moisture pricked at my eyes, and I blinked it back. The emotion had come out of nowhere, sideswiping me. I hadn’t had time to process it, to stop it. And now here I was, getting teary in front of Sawyer. Panic seized me. I wiped at my eyes while pushing myself up to a standing position. I had to get the hell out of here. With blurred vision, I whirled around, preparing to run. “Hey.” Sawyer’s hand wrapped around my wrist. “What’s going on?” “Nothing.” Sniffing, I shook my head. I breathed in and out slowly, attempting to ward off the tears. “C’mere.” He drew me close, circling his arms around my waist. His hands raked up my back, his fingers stroking my hair. I dropped my head to his chest, listening to his heart thump beneath my cheek. My fingers fumbled up his chest, curving around his shoulders. His finger tucked under my chin, and he gently

guided my head up. Our eyes locked. That hunger was in his eyes again, and I knew where this was headed. The smart thing would have been to pull away, but I didn’t want to. It felt good to be held. And I liked that he comforted me without any reservations, without demanding to know what was wrong. He’d been like this with me since the day we met. I’d done nothing but push him away and treat him with coldness, and yet he was kind and gentle at every turn. He tilted his head down toward mine. “Stop fighting me, Addison.” Warm breath cascaded over my lips as he spoke. I was tired of fighting him. Tired of fighting everyone. I wanted one person I could let down my guard with. “Okay,” I responded. He angled his mouth, lining it up with my lips. His hands slid up my neck, his fingertips tickling the tender flesh. My pulse quickened. I licked my lips, readying myself. Holding tightly to him, I worked on breathing evenly. His lips barely grazed mine. It reminded me of jumping in the pool on a hot day. The water was soft and light, but the coolness against my skin was powerful and sometimes shocking. That’s the way his lips were – feathery and airy, yet the way they made me feel was anything but. He didn’t pull his lips away, but at times it felt like he did with the way he exerted the slightest pressure and then drew back. The kiss started slow, tender. Not desperate like the last one. But that was okay. I wasn’t sure I wanted fast or desperate today. Odd how he always seemed to know what I needed and when. His hands left my neck to frame my face. He wiped the traces of tears with his thumb. “Talk to me.” The sincerity in his eyes almost caused me to spill everything. But the words lodged in my throat. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Besides, I liked Sawyer. I didn’t want grief to be the only thing we had. If we were only attached because of death and sadness, then that would be the basis of our friendship. And I didn’t want that. Everyone in my life reminded me of Ben; reminded me of the tragedy my life had become. It made it too hard. That’s why I kept pushing them away. I didn’t want to do the same thing with Sawyer. “I can’t,” I finally said. His face fell. “C’mon. You said you’d stop fighting me.” I touched his neck, his face. “I am. I just don’t want to talk about sad things anymore. Let’s talk about something else.”

The light returned to his eyes. “Okay. What do you want to talk about?” “How about football.” “You wanna talk about football?” A skeptical expression painted his face. “Hey, I know a lot about football. I used to play with my dad and brother all the time.” He chuckled. “Seriously? Little thing like you. They probably ate you alive.” Stepping back from him, I puffed out my chest. “I’ll have you know, I play a mean game of football.” “Oh, I see.” A knowing grin spread across his face. “See what?” “They went easy on you.” “They did not!” I demanded. “If you don’t believe me, let’s play sometime.” “Not sometime. We can do it right now.” Sawyer walked around me. “Where are you going?” “To the ‘Barney Mobile.’ I have a football in the back.” I giggled. “I can’t believe you call your car that.” He shrugged. “Everyone else does.” “Yeah, but I thought it was like behind your back or something. I didn’t realize you went along with it.” “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?” He was so unlike anyone I’d ever met. “Right.” I smiled before following him to the van to get out a football.

CHAPTER 10

Sawyer “So how’s this gonna work?” She asked, standing a few feet from me hugging herself. She wore a long sleeved shirt and jeans. Not exactly football attire. Then again, I was wearing pretty much the same thing. It didn’t matter anyway. I may have been trash talking her, but I didn’t plan to play to my full potential. This was all about fun. Glancing over at her, I imagined tackling her to the ground and holding her close. Oh yeah, this was going to be fun all right. Transferring the ball from one hand to the other, I raised a brow. “I thought you knew how to play.” “I do.” She stood up straighter, pushing a strand of bright hair out of her face. “It’s just that I’ve never played one on one.” A dirty joke flew through my mind, but I ignored it. Not the time or place. “I thought you said you played with your brother.” “And my dad, usually Ben’s friends, and sometimes my mom.” “Your mom?” She placed a hand on her hip. “Don’t look so surprised. The West women are tough.” “I believe it.” I eyed the field around me. A slight breeze picked up, the scent of damp grass wafting under my nose. “Okay, here’s the deal.” I pointed to the two trees behind Addison. “Between those two trees is the end zone.” I paused. “You know what that means, right? Where you make a touchdown.” “Yes, I know.” Narrowing her eyes, she shook her head. “I’m not an idiot.” “Never thought you were.” I chuckled. Most of the girls I’d dated had no idea what an end zone was. But Addison wasn’t like any of the girls I’d dated. That was becoming more and more clear every time we were together. Swinging around, I found two trees behind me. “And between these ones is the other end zone.” I turned back to Addison. “Move back a little ways.” She did as she was told. “Okay, now I’m going to throw the ball to you. After you catch it you have to try to make it into the end zone

behind me without me tackling you.” I couldn’t help the smug expression that leapt to my face. She caught it and her lips pressed together in a hard line. Crossing her arms over her chest, she cocked her head to the side. “Why can’t I be the one to tackle you?” “Hey, if all you want to do is get me on the ground, we can just put away the ball now.” I smiled. “You wish.” She rolled her eyes. “Fine. Let’s do this.” After rolling her up her sleeves, she shook out her arms. For a moment I watched her in amusement. There was no way she’d get past me, but it was cute that she thought she had a chance. “What are you waiting for? You scared?” She hollered. Without saying a word, I tossed the ball in her direction. Surprisingly she caught it with ease. I was impressed with her speed as she took off running, the ball tucked under her arm. Maybe she did know a thing or two about football. Still, she was no match for me. With a determined look on her face she moved forward. I spread my legs apart, bending my knees. She glanced in my direction and then cut to the left. Smart move. Her brother had taught her a thing or two. Skidding on the wet lawn, I ran toward her. When she saw me advancing, she zig-zagged around me. But I was faster. My arms enveloped her. Holding her tightly around the waist, I gently tackled her to the grass. A small squealed escaped through her lips as she hit the ground. “Not bad,” I said. “Shut up.” She reached out, pushing on my chest with her palms. But I held her in place. “I’m serious. Those were some impressive moves.” “You’re making fun of me.” “No, I’m not.” I stole a kiss on her lips. “But you tackled me.” She pouted. “Well, since the prize was having you in my arms, I was pretty determined.” Her lips curved upward. “You’re such a guy.” I shrugged. “Not gonna deny that one.” She wriggled out of my grasp. “My turn.”

“You are really determined to pin me down, aren’t ya?” I joked while we scrambled off the ground. Addison wiped dirt and grass from her knees. I threw her an apologetic look. “Your mom’s gonna know you weren’t at group if you come home dirty.” “I’ll tell her it was an exercise in dealing with our emotions,” she said with a smile. Then she smoothed out her face. “No. I already texted to ask if I could hang out with you afterward, and she was fine with it.” “So we have more time?” I marveled at how quickly things were shifting between us. A part of me wondered if she was using me to get out of group, but now she was choosing to be with me. This was big. “Yeah.” She bit her lip as if embarrassed to admit that’s what she wanted. She did that a lot, but it never worked. Her expressions gave away more than she meant to. “Cool.” I pointed to her. “Show me what you’ve got.” “You better be prepared.” She acted so serious, I didn’t dare laugh. Instead, I walked toward my makeshift end zone, while she got in position. “Ready?” She called, bringing her arm back. Only then did I realize how far we were from each other. It made me wonder if she’d be able to throw it all the way to me. I pondered moving forward, but decided against it. And once she threw it I was glad I’d stayed put. She had a good arm. I only had to take a couple of steps forward to catch it. When I started running, Addison moved closer to me. I knew I could sidestep her and hightail it to the trees way before she’d be able to catch me. But the truth was, that didn’t sound nearly as much fun as being tackled by her. So instead of running for my opening, I kept running in a straight line. A smug grin painted her face as she advanced on me. “Gotcha!” She shrieked when her arms circled me. I was so much stronger than her that I could have kept running, dragging her down the field. But I allowed myself to drop to the ground. I did roll over, though, so my back hit the grass. Addison landed on top of me. I tossed aside the ball. “You did that on purpose.” Addison pinned me with a skeptical stare. I didn’t bother lying to her. She’d barely grabbed onto me when I fell. No doubt she knew it was staged. “Maybe.” Reaching up, I brushed a stray lock of hair from her face. “But you were dying to tackle

me, so I thought I’d give you what you want.” She rolled her eyes. “God, you’re insufferable.” When she started to push up, I grabbed her arm and tugged her back down. “Just kidding.” She tumbled forward, her face inches from mine. I stroked her cheek with my fingertips. She swallowed hard. “But I thought you liked to win.” “Oh, trust me. I’m winning.” Lifting my head from the ground, I pressed my lips to hers. She tasted sweet, and I licked my tongue along her lips until she parted them. Then I thrust my tongue into her mouth. One of my hands curled around her face, my fingers slipping into her hair, while the other clutched her tiny waist. Her hands fluttered over my chest as her tongue danced over mine. Our kiss deepened, our mouths moving in sync. Never before had kissing someone felt like this. It wasn’t only a kiss. It meant more than that. Almost like we were exchanging each other’s pain, like we were healing one another. When our lips separated, she threw me a teasing smile. “You’re not winning. No one is.” She lifted her eyebrows. “Neither one of us have scored.” I couldn’t help it. I laughed. My gaze lowered down her body. “Come back to my place and we’ll change that.” “Seriously, I should have left after you pointed out the boob cloud.” She hoisted herself up off my body, a light laugh escaping through her lips. “I guess it’s true what they say. Guys really do have a onetrack mind.” I decided to back off. She seemed in good spirits, but I still worried about pushing her away. After snatching up the football, I stood. “Fine. Let’s keep playing. First person to score wins.” Addison placed her finger to her lips. “Just to clarify. We are talking about scoring a touchdown, right?” “Yes, Addison. We are.” I grinned. “Whew.” She swiped the back of her hand across her forehead in mock relief. At least I hoped it was mock relief and not real relief. I almost asked her about it, but then thought better of it. If she told me that the thought of sleeping with me repulsed her, I wasn’t sure how I’d recover from that. As it was, I’d had to practically force my

friendship on her. Now that she was finally coming around, I didn’t want to ruin it in any way. “All right. Let’s do this.” She turned to face me, rubbing her hands together in anticipation. My heart skipped a beat. I’d never seen her so beautiful. Her face was radiant, her green eyes sparkling. Happiness looked good on her. And it made me feel good that I was the one to make her feel this way. As I threw the ball toward her, I realized that she was doing the same thing for me.

CHAPTER 11

Addison It was the most alive I’d felt in months. Running through the grass, the wind in my hair, the sun on my back, Sawyer at my heels. Magical. That’s what it was. Who would have known something so simple would make me feel this good? I hadn’t thought about my family troubles at all since we’d started playing. The end zone was within my reach when Sawyer’s fingers swiped across my middle. My shirt lifted slightly, and his fingertips brushed over my bare flesh. It caused a chill to run up my spine. Goosebumps rose on my skin. Pretty soon his strong arms had engulfed me, and the ground was coming closer. I grunted in frustration as we tumbled into the grass, but the truth was that I wasn’t really upset. I kind of liked being tackled by Sawyer. Besides, I wasn’t ready for the game to be over. We were both breathing hard as we rolled over, green reeds of grass stuck to our clothes. I picked a couple of them out of Sawyer’s hair. When I drew my hand back, the pads of my fingers slid over his cheek. He lifted his arm and captured my hand in his. It felt good when he folded his large hand over my small one. He had this way of making me feel safe and comforted. His body was large and muscular, and when he crushed my petite frame up against him it was like I was wearing a shield. Like nothing could penetrate me. Nothing could get to me. The way Sawyer made me feel was weird. It took me by surprise. I had been all set to keep him at arm’s length. But somehow he’d snaked his way into my life and my heart. And now that he was here, I wasn’t sure how to let him go. “Have you had enough, yet?” he asked. My stomach dropped, my mind drifting to my lonely, dark house. The thought of Sawyer taking me back there caused desperation to bloom inside of me. I had to keep him here with me. “Hell, no. I’m just getting started.” “If you’re sure.” He helped me stand up. “I’m positive.” “We can do something else if you want.”

“Sawyer.” I stopped him. “This is perfect.” Everything about this day was perfect. And I never wanted it to end. Sawyer and I had been together every day, but this was the first time he was at my house. Mom was out running errands. She’d been letting up a little lately. I think she believed I was getting better. Perhaps I was. Sawyer was definitely helping. I hadn’t had anyone over since Ben died. But it felt right having Sawyer here. For the first time in months the house didn’t feel so empty and lonely. “So this is your room, huh?” Sawyer raised his brows as he glanced around. “Yep.” I bit my lip. My heart thumped way too fast beneath my chest, and my palms clammed up. I’d never had a boy in here. When Dad was still here he would never let me have a boy in my room. But I trusted Sawyer. “It’s not at all what I expected.” “It’s not?” My gaze swept back and forth, and I tried to see my room from Sawyer’s perspective. My bedspread was pink with lace around the edges, the walls were filled with pictures of friends and posters of my favorite bands. I guess it was a little girly. Using my room as a reference, you’d probably guess I was a social butterfly. “Not at all.” He stepped toward me, wrapping his arms around my waist. “But that’s one of the things I like about you.” “That my room isn’t what you expected?” I asked, resting my hands on his waist. Sawyer was always confusing me. I’d always thought guys were pretty easy to read, but apparently I’d been wrong. “That you’re unpredictable. You’re always surprising me.” I smiled, liking his statement. Lately I’d felt predictable. Like a cliché, really. The girl who’d lost her shit when her brother died and changed her appearance and hair color. The brooding girl who wrote poetry and sat alone. It all seemed like the premise of a bad after school special. But that’s not how Sawyer saw me. And that alone gave me hope. Lowering his head, his lips collided with mine. Our mouths fused, our tongues playing together. It all happened so easily, so comfortably. Sometimes it was surprising that we’d only known each other for

a short time. Often it felt like he’d always been here. Like he’d always been in my life. However, other times the entire thing made my head spin. A year ago if anyone would have told me I’d be kissing Sawyer Ridley in my bedroom, I’d have laughed at them. Not because he was ugly or anything. No, quite the opposite, in fact. He kind of seemed out of my league. It was funny because I think a lot of people at our school thought of me as popular. I mean, not anymore, but before Ben’s death. Before I’d dyed my hair and retreated into myself. But I’d never thought of myself that way. I kind of saw myself as in between – not quite popular, not quite a nerd. Almost like a social purgatory. In a lot of ways I thought it was probably harder to be there than to be a nerd. At least then you knew where you belonged. At least then you didn’t yearn for more. You didn’t think it was a possibility. In Sawyer’s arms, I felt special. It’s not like I’d suddenly become popular or something. But honestly, being with him made things like popularity and social status fly out the window. Nothing mattered except this moment. This moment in time with his lips on mine, his fingers feathering over my back, his arms encasing me and keeping me safe. At times I almost felt like he could protect me from the demons that tormented me day and night. Like his strength could erase what Ben and my dad had done. And I knew it was stupid. Of course he couldn’t take those things away. But at least he could make them disappear for a little while. When we disentangled, I smiled at him. “Well, I’d like to say that you’re not predictable, but then I’d be lying.” I threw him a wink. “You did say that guys only have a one-track mind, remember?” “Called it, huh?” Grinning, I pushed away from him and sat on the edge of my bed. He plunked down beside me, threading our fingers together. “It’s not really my fault, you know?” “It’s not?” This ought to be good. “Nope.” Reaching out with his free hand, he touched the pad of his index finger to my lips. “It’s those famous, heart-shaped lips of yours.” My pulse pounded beneath my skin. “They’re famous, huh?” “You have no idea.” He drew his hand back. “So famous they were on a list and everything.” My stomach knotted, my face draining of color. “A list?”

Clearly sensing my agitation, Sawyer turned his face toward me. “It wasn’t anything bad, trust me. It was a stupid list a bunch of the guys made freshman year. You were down as most kissable lips.” I wanted to be angry at this. It was totally sick, right? Not at all what a self-respecting girl would want. It was sexist and rude. But a part of me felt flattered. I’d always thought I was invisible to most guys at our school. Sure, I’d dated a few of them, but no one from Sawyer’s group. And definitely not anyone as hot as him. When my eyes bounced up to Sawyer’s, the genuine look on his face cut off the smart remark that was lodged in my throat. I wouldn’t bite his head off for this. Instead, I’d speak his language – sarcasm. “So, you mean to tell me you’ve had this planned since freshman year?” “Not all of it.” Darkness flashed in his eyes, and I wished I hadn’t made this into a joke. He lifted my hand and brushed his lips over my knuckles. “In all honesty, I’ve dreamt of kissing those perfect lips since freshman year. And I have to admit, I’m happy that we’ve connected this year.” Pausing, he searched my eyes. His thumb caressed the skin on my fingers. “But this wasn’t how I wanted it to happen. I would never wish this kind of sadness on you, Addison. I’d give up every kiss, every moment with you, if it meant you’d be happy always. If it meant you could have your family back.” I held my breath. Heat crept up my face and moisture filled my eyes. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. Pulling my hand away from his, I slid off the bed to stand in front of Sawyer. Framing his face with both hands, I drew his face forward. His gaze crashed into mine, and I didn’t stop the tears from flowing. “I don’t want that. I don’t want to give this up. I don’t want to give you up, Sawyer.” “You don’t have to,” he said simply, his eyes never leaving mine. “I’ve lost almost everyone who meant anything to me,” I whispered. “I’m afraid.” “Of what?” I faltered, my gaze lowering to the floor. “I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere” His finger tucked under my chin. “Tell me.” Taking a deep breath, I looked at him again. “I’m afraid of you. Of this. Of getting hurt again.” He nodded slowly. “I am too.” It’s not what I expected. I thought he would make me promises. The fact that he didn’t, made me want him even more. “But you aren’t running away.”

“No. I’m not.” He touched my face gently. “And I won’t. I’m in this. No matter what happens.” I moved forward. His legs were spread apart, his knees caging me in. I trailed my fingers over his face, touching his skin, memorizing his features. Tilting my head, I brought my face closer to his. “I’m in too.” My lips found his as if they were reading a map and he was the destination. When his mouth clamped over mine, it was like coming home. The kiss was tender and light, and ended much too quickly. But it was probably for the best. My face was flushed, my heart beating a little too fast. Who knew where this would lead if I didn’t maintain some self-control. I liked Sawyer, but I didn’t know if I was ready for us to go any further than kissing at this point. Pulling away from him, I sighed. “Um…can I get you something to drink?” “That might be good.” The playful look on his face caused my cheeks to flush. “Okay. I’ll be right back.” By the time I reached the kitchen my heart was hammering so loudly I feared the entire neighborhood could hear it. I wasn’t sure what happened in there, but if I had to take a wild guess, I’d assume that Sawyer and I were in a relationship. I mean, wasn’t that what we agreed to by saying we were in? I wasn’t sure. And I didn’t want to ask him. How would I even bring it up? Hey, so, Sawyer, are we boyfriend/girlfriend? Seriously, how lame would that sound? Breathing in deeply, I grabbed a couple of bottled waters out of the fridge and headed back to my room. There was no way I could ask him to define our relationship. I’d have to trust that we were a couple. And it’s not like he was with anyone else. We were together all the time. My hands were shaking by the time I returned. Sawyer looked up, a smile leaping to his face. “There’s my girl.” My heart soared. Yep. I knew. I didn’t need to ask. Thrusting out my hand, I gave him one of the waters. “Thanks,” he mumbled, unscrewing the cap. I sat next to him, the bed sloping under my butt. Then I opened my water and took a large gulp. The water was freezing as it slid down my throat. My leg shook until I noticed and steadied it. I was seriously amped up today.

“You have a lot of pictures of you and your friends,” Sawyer mused, glancing around. “Ex-friends,” the words burst out before I could stop them. Sawyer raised an eyebrow. I could tell he wanted to ask me about it, but I knew he wouldn’t. Not after I got on him about it the other day. It made me feel like shit. He’d been open with me. Not only that, but he’d been so kind and patient. There was no reason not to be open with him back. I shrugged, my gaze landing on some of the pictures. “I guess it’s my fault we’re not friends anymore. After Ben died, I sort of pushed them away. I do that sometimes.” “Yes, I’m aware.” When I turned toward Sawyer, he smiled. I returned the smile. “Sorry about that.” “Hey, I get it. You’ve been through a lot. You needed some time.” His answer fueled me. “That’s just it. They couldn’t give me time. They wanted me to bounce right back, to be myself again. And I just couldn’t. I couldn’t be that girl. And this new girl…” I stared at the pictures again. “They didn’t like her.” His hand covered mine. “Their loss.” “It wasn’t just that.” I closed my eyes against the memory. This was the part I didn’t want to share. “I overheard them talking about Ben. They were saying mean things about him and what he did. And it’s not like I disagreed. What he did was selfish and awful, and I’ve been pretty pissed about it, you know?” My voice rose, anger surfacing. “I know,” Sawyer said so quietly I could barely hear him. His hand squeezed mine, and I was grateful. It calmed me a little. “But, still. They were my friends, and the way they spoke about him.” I shook my head. “It made me mad.” “Most people didn’t like Ryan,” Sawyer said. “But he was my friend. I know he could be a jerk, but he could be nice too. And he was funny. A great football player. He always had my back.” A wistful smile passed over his face. “Some people thought he deserved what he got. They even said it to me.” He bit his bottom lip. “But I saw him get shot. It wasn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy.” “I’m sorry,” I breathed out.

His head swiveled, his eyes catching mine. “I’m sorry too.” “Stay,” the word spilled from my lips. “I already told you that I’m not going anywhere, Addie.”

CHAPTER 12

Sawyer I hadn’t meant to call her Addie. She’d already corrected me enough times. You’d think I would remember that her name was Addison. But in that moment she reminded me of the girl she was before. Sweet, vulnerable, open. And the name tumbled out. Afterward, I recoiled, expecting her to snap at me like she had all the other times. Only she didn’t. In fact, she kissed me. And it wasn’t a gentle kiss like the one she’d given me earlier. The one when she’d stood between my legs. But let me say that girl almost killed me with that one. It took all my willpower not to throw her down on the bed and climb on top of her. But I wouldn’t do that. I’d already promised myself I’d allow her to set the pace, and I wouldn’t go back on that. She needed me to be understanding. She needed me to go slow. But this kiss was raw and desperate, and almost made me crawl out of my skin. The longing in her eyes, the ache in her touch, the firmness in her kiss. It was all too much. And pretty soon I did find us rolling around on her bed. But when things got a little too hot and heavy I put a stop to it. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I had to take an ice cold shower when I got home, but I knew I did the right thing. Before I left she told me I could call her Addie. It was like she’d given me a piece of her heart. That’s what it felt like. Addie was mine. And I wasn’t going to do anything to screw this up. As I lie in bed trying to fall asleep, I stared out the window at the moonlit sky. I wondered if Addie was awake in her room. I could picture her in it now. That alone made my pulse quicken. I imagined her in a nightgown, but then shook away the image. Those kinds of thoughts were not going to help me with the promise I made to myself. So, instead, I remembered her that night in the cemetery. Remembered how lost and alone she seemed. Not much time had passed, and yet she seemed more secure now. A little less lonely. The shadows were still there, demons present in her irises. But they were clearing a tiny bit every day. And I would do everything in my power to rid her of them completely.

I hoped she was sleeping soundly, dreaming peacefully. Reaching for my cell phone, I almost shot her off a text, but thought better of it. What if she was asleep and I woke her? I’d never forgive myself. As much as I would have liked to believe that I would be enough, I knew that wasn’t true. I couldn’t be everything to Addie. And it would be selfish of me to want that. Having her all to myself was tempting, but I wasn’t that big of a jerk. She needed friends. Anger thrashed in my veins at the story she told me about her former friends. How dare they treat her the way they did? She needed them, and they bailed. There was no excuse for that. If they were guys I’d beat their asses. Every last one. But they weren’t. And I would never lay my hands on a girl. Too bad she didn’t have a friend like Chloe. She’d never abandon Addison like that. The minute the thought entered my mind, I shot upright. My comforter bunched around my waist. I was only wearing my boxers, and cold air hit my bare chest. Formerly, I would’ve grabbed my comforter and yanked it up to my chin. But not tonight. Instead, I savored the cold. It made me feel alive, and that was something worth embracing. I had left the curtains over my window open when I went to bed. I liked having the moonlight spill into my room, liked staring out at the stars. In fact, often when I couldn’t sleep I’d count them. Point out each twinkling star, making a mental calculation. The idea was to help put me to sleep, but rarely did it reach its desired effect. My eyes roamed over the inky black sky. The breeze caused a leaf to skitter over the window pane, and I watched it until it disappeared from sight. The moon was bright, illuminating the sky. It reminded me of Addison’s smile with its ability to light up the darkness. With its ability to change the atmosphere. I wanted to see her smile all the time. Wanted to bring back that light in her eyes. And I thought I knew how to do that. Resting my head back down on my pillow, I formulated a plan to help Addison. I only hoped she’d go along with it. Dark grey clouds covered the sky. Wind whisked around my face. Damp earth and clean air filled my senses. The hood on my sweatshirt shifted beneath my neck. Shivering, I pulled the sleeves down to my wrists and faced Holden. He was across the field, bringing his arm back to toss the football.

When he launched it toward me, I raced in its direction. Holding out my arms, I caught it and pressed it to my chest. Palming it in my right hand, I threw it back. “Looks like all that time you’ve been spending with Addison is doing you good,” Holden hollered after catching the ball. I smiled, the image of Addison’s beautiful face consuming my thoughts. “I haven’t seen you like this in months,” Holden commented, returning the ball. This time when I ran for it the bottom of my shoe skidded in the grass. I almost fell, but righted myself. However, my hand missed the ball, and it landed on the ground. When I reached down to pick it up, Holden chuckled. “Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned her,” he said. A drop of water hit my cheek. Glancing up at the sky, another one got me. We both figured it would start raining this afternoon. The clouds had been threatening it for hours. At least we got in a good half an hour of practice. I sprinted toward the nearest tree as it started pouring. Holden jogged after me. “Saved by the rain,” Holden teased once we reached the tree. Reaching up, he ran his fingers through his dampened hair. I leaned against the trunk and smiled. Rain pelted the leaves overhead, pitter pattering like the sounds of someone typing on a keyboard. “Hey, you can’t tell me you weren’t like this when you first started dating Chloe.” “Nah.” Holden shook his head. “I couldn’t be. Ryan would’ve kicked my ass.” I laughed. “That’s probably true. As it was, he gave you a lot of crap about it.” When his expression darkened, I wished I’d kept quiet. I knew Holden’s relationship with Chloe had been a source of contention between him and Ryan. But Holden recovered quickly. “He gave me crap about everything.” I nodded. “Not just you.” Holden smiled. “Yeah, I know. It was his favorite pastime.” He didn’t say what we were both thinking. That it was what got him killed. “So, things must be pretty hot and heavy with you and Addison, huh? I’ve hardly seen you, bro.” He punched me good naturedly in the upper arm.

I shrugged, watching the rain coming down in sheets around us. A few drops slipped through the branches overhead and splattered on my arm. Lifting my hood, I covered my head with it. Holden did the same with his sweatshirt. “It’s been pretty cool.” “Yeah?” He cocked an eyebrow. If he was Ryan I would assume his expression had to do with sex, but Holden wasn’t like Ryan. However, didn’t Addison say all guys had a one-track mind? Therefore, I guess I couldn’t know for sure what the look was about. I did know that Addie and I weren’t having sex, though, so I chose not to mention anything like that. “Yeah,” I said. “I really like her.” “I’m happy for you, man.” Holden nudged me in the shoulder. “It’s amazing how one girl can change everything, huh? That’s how it was with Chloe anyway.” “Speaking of which, I was kind of hoping that maybe the four of us could double sometime,” I said, taking my opening. “Sure. Just say when, and we’ll be there.” “What about this weekend?” I asked a little too eagerly. Holden paused, his forehead bunching. “What’s this about?” “Let’s say that Addie could use some friends right now.” “Addie, huh?” Holden grinned. “Heard someone call her that in the halls the other day and she about tore the person’s head off.” A chuckle jumped from my mouth. “Yeah, I know how that feels. But she’s cool with me calling her that now.” A knowing look passed over Holden’s face. “Sounds like she’s pretty into you too.” “I hope so.” At times I thought she was, but other times I felt her pull away. I knew I didn’t have her completely. There was still a part of her that was closed off to me. Holden clamped a hand down on my shoulder. “Well, if Addison needs a girlfriend, she couldn’t find a better one than Chloe.” “That’s what I figured.”

“All right. Then let’s do this.” Holden rubbed his palms together. “I’ll call Chloe and we’ll get it set up.” My chest expanded with each word. I could already picture everything coming together, could envision the four of us hanging out. It was a group I never would’ve imagined, but I knew it would work. And I knew it would help Addie heal. In fact, I was pretty sure it would help me heal too.

CHAPTER 13

Addison I couldn’t believe I was going out with Sawyer, Holden, and Chloe. It felt surreal, like I was in some alternate universe. For the past three years, I was envious of the girls who hung with Holden and his friends. Holden was sort of a local hero. In the high school sense he was famous. Our school had never had a quarterback as good as Holden. I should know. I used to attend games with my brother for years. Freshman year I’d even tried out for the cheerleading team. I was devastated when I didn’t make it. That was another reason it was easy to dye my hair and change my appearance. It was like I was showing all those stuck-up cheerleaders that I didn’t want to be like them anyway. But the truth was, that deep down inside I’d always wanted to be them. Not because I thought they were better than me, but because I wanted to fit in. To have people look at me like they look at those girls. And hanging out with Holden and his group was icing on the cake. But here I was, going out with them. Glancing in the mirror, I almost laughed out loud, imagining what my old group of friends would think if they could see me now. They’d given me so much crap about dying my hair. And I knew they’d made fun of me behind my back. They basically told me that no one would accept me like this. I guess I’d proven them wrong. Sawyer accepted me. A part of me felt smug about this. I wanted to flaunt tonight in my former friends’ faces. I wanted to take a dozen pictures and post them all over Instagram. But I knew that was petty. My relationship with Sawyer had nothing to do with his popularity. It had to do with who he was at his core. It had to do with our connection, so deep it scared me. And I was determined to have an open mind about Holden. Sawyer was nothing like I thought he would be, so I was guessing Holden might be the same. He was with Chloe, after all. When she’d first started going to Gold Rush High, my friends gossiped about her and called her a band geek. I’ll never forget the day we found out she was with Holden. All of the sudden my friends wanted to get close to her. They attempted to befriend her and everything. Only Chloe was smarter than that. In fact, Chloe didn’t change at all when she and Holden got together. She still hung out with her band friends. This year she

seemed to be with Holden more than anyone, but I saw her with Gianna and Jasmine sometimes too. Besides, Chloe had always been nice to me. The first day I came to school with purple hair she was the only person who told me it looked nice. If I remember correctly, she’d told me that the color brought out the green in my eyes. And I didn’t get the sense that she was making fun of me. She seemed sincere. Honestly, I’d been impressed when I heard how she’d been the only person at our school who had tried to stop Preston. She even risked her life. That was pretty gutsy. I’m not sure I would’ve had the balls to do it. Opening my closet, I flipped through the hangers. I had on a pair of ripped jeans and a black tshirt. It’s what I’d planned to wear tonight, but suddenly I didn’t want to keep it on. Not that I was trying to change for anyone. The truth was that I had no idea who I was anymore. Sawyer brought out the old Addison – the girl who liked dresses and pretty clothes. The girl who went by Addie. And tonight I didn’t feel like shoving her back down. I didn’t feel like being the brooding Addison. It was too cold tonight for one of my sundresses. So instead I opted for a white flowing shirt, skinny jeans, and my brown boots. I curled my purple hair and wore large hoop earrings. After putting on a little bit of eye makeup and swiping on my bright pink lipstick, I snatched up my purse and headed downstairs. Sawyer should be here any minute and I didn’t want him to have to make small talk with Mom. She was seriously depressing lately. “Addison, honey? Is that you?” She called from the family room. I cringed. Surely she was in there drowning her sorrows in wine and television. She was so predictable lately. But I took a deep breath and willed myself to be nice. She was going through a lot. What did I expect? When I entered the family room, Mom’s eyes widened. “Oh, Addie.” She used my nickname, and my chest tightened a little. “You look so pretty.” “I’m going out with Sawyer tonight.” I scratched the back of my neck. “Well, it’s a double date, actually. With his friend Holden and his girlfriend.” “Holden Reece?” Mom raised her brows.

As I nodded, there was a knock on the door. “Oh, I gotta go.” Before turning around, I hesitated. The television played faintly in the background, a blanket lay over mom’s lap, and there was an entire bottle of wine on the coffee table. It made me feel bad. I’d been so hard on Mom, but she didn’t really deserve it. The more I started to rise out of my own pain, the more I could see hers. “Are you gonna be all right?” “Of course.” She smiled, but I knew it was forced. “Go. Have fun.” “You sure?” More knocking. I knew I needed to go, but it was like I couldn’t move my legs. “Yeah.” She shooed me with her hands. “I’ve got a movie and some wine. I’m good.” “Okay.” I nodded, promising myself I’d make more of an effort with her from now on. “I’ll see you in a little bit.” Mom had already returned her attention to the television by the time I answered the door. Sawyer stood on the doorstep, his hands shoved down into the pocket of his jeans. He wore a tight grey shirt that showed off his muscles, and his dark hair was tousled over his forehead. I swallowed thickly. His eyes roved over my body, and I felt self-conscious. I wondered if maybe I should have stuck to my jeans and tshirt. Did I look like I was trying too hard? “You look amazing,” he said. “Thanks.” My cheeks warmed, and I was grateful I’d worn this outfit. By the look in his eyes, I’d say he liked it. “Ready?” He held out his hand. I latched onto it and nodded. From over his shoulder I could see Holden and Chloe in the backseat of the “Barney Mobile.” Hesitating, I took a deep breath. “Relax.” He squeezed my fingers. “They’re going to love you.” Nodding, I clung to his words and allowed him to guide me forward. The air was crisp as it circled us. When I shivered, Sawyer moved close to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I leaned into him, enjoying the warmth of his body against mine. Bending his head downward, he planted a kiss on the crown of my head. It was a sweet gesture, and I marveled once again at how lucky I was to be with him.

Reaching the van, Sawyer opened the passenger side door and ushered me inside. As I climbed in, I could feel Chloe and Holden’s eyes on me, and my stomach churned. Sawyer’s hand rested on my back. “Holden, Chloe, you know Addison.” I was thankful that he used my full name. For some reason it still rubbed me the wrong way when people called me Addie. Well, everyone except for Sawyer. For some reason when he said it, it felt right. But I wasn’t ready for others to use it. “Hi.” I threw them both an awkward wave, and then immediately felt stupid. They were right in front of me. I didn’t need to wave. Inwardly groaning, I wondered if this was how the night would go. Me acting stupid and then second guessing myself. It didn’t sound like very much fun, and it made me wish it was only me and Sawyer. When he’d first mentioned the double date idea I’d jumped at the chance, but clearly I hadn’t thought it through. “Addison, I love your top,” Chloe’s voice broke into my internal scolding. “Thanks.” I glanced at her leggings, long sweater and boots. She looked pretty as always, her black hair sleek, her lipstick dark. She had such classic beauty. I could see why Holden fell for her. He sat next to her, his arm draped over her shoulder, and I could tell he was enamored with how she looked tonight as well. “It looks great with your hair,” she continued. “I totally wish I could pull that off.” “What?” I asked, confused. Chloe didn’t look like she’d have trouble pulling any look off. “The purple hair. I think it looks amazing, but no way would it look good on me.” She lifted a strand of her hair and turned it over in her hand. “Oh, I think you could,” I said. Sawyer hopped in the driver’s side and started the engine. Country music spilled faintly from the speakers. Turning my head, I threw him an inquisitive look. “Didn’t know he was a country music fan, huh?” Chloe asked, catching my look. “We’ve tried to turn him already, but it’s no use.” She glanced at Holden, who chuckled. “Riddles can listen to whatever he wants, baby.” He drew her closer. “Just because you’re into all those underground rock bands doesn’t mean everyone has to be.”

Chloe made a face. “I’m not saying he has to be into it. But at least he could branch out.” She turned toward me. “Country is like all he listens to. Can you believe it?” “Actually, I like country too,” I admitted. Chloe flashed an incredulous expression, but Sawyer peered over at me with a grin. “See, I told you she was smart,” he said. As he pulled away from the curb, he reached over with his free hand and patted my thigh. “Sorry,” Chloe mumbled. “I didn’t realize you liked country.” I thought about my purple hair and piercings, and totally understood. “It’s all right. I’m sure I don’t look like your typical country music fan.” I touched my hair. “At least not right now.” “Oh, I didn’t mean it like that,” Chloe scrambled to fix it. “I just meant because of the surprised look you gave when you heard it.” “I guess I was just surprised that we liked the same kind of music.” I smiled, my gaze drifting over to Sawyer. It seemed I was always finding out more ways we were alike. When we’d first met, I thought that grief was the only thing that bonded us, but since then I’d learned that wasn’t the case. There were lots of things that did. The movie theatre parking lot was packed when we pulled in. Not that I was surprised, since it was Saturday night. Besides, that new action hero movie that everyone wanted to see had released. I hadn’t really been interested in watching it, but at this point I didn’t care what we saw. As long as I could sit next to Sawyer through the entire show, it wouldn’t matter what was on the screen. In his presence I had a difficult time focusing on anything else anyway. To my surprise the boys offered to let Chloe and me pick the movie. The guys I’d dated previously never would’ve let me choose. They always dictated what we did. Chloe and I stood in front of the ticket counter scanning the board which listed the movies. To be honest, nothing sounded that great to me. I used to like romantic comedies, but the one playing didn’t appeal to me at the moment. “What do you think?” I asked Chloe. She stood with her arms over her chest, her lips pursed. Then she gave me a conspiratorial look. “The boys are dying to see that action flick, so I say we tell them we want to see that cheesy romance just

to see how they react.” I giggled. “Then we’ll give in and see what they want?” “Only if that’s okay with you.” She shrugged. “I honestly don’t care what we watch. Nothing really sounds good.” I liked Chloe, and I hoped we’d become friends. “To me either,” I agreed. “Okay, that’s fine. I’ll go along with it.” Giddiness danced over Chloe’s features. She was thoroughly enjoying this and made me hope to never be the recipient of one of her pranks. I watched as she skipped over to Holden wearing a grin. She latched on to his arm. “We’ve decided on the chick flick.” He narrowed his eyes, his lips curving upward. “Nice try, but I know you too well.” “What? I’m serious.” “No, you’re not. Give it up. I know you too well.” “Damn.” She snapped her fingers. “It’s getting harder to fool you.” Holden chuckled, drawing her into his chest and wrapping his arms around her. Then he pressed his lips to his forehead. “I’m a fool for you, does that count?” She smacked him gently in the chest. “That’s so cheesy, it’s probably a line in the chick flick.” My heart squeezed. The way they were with each other was beautiful. I wondered if Sawyer and I would ever be like that. It kind of scared me that I desired it. Never before had I allowed my mind to imagine it. Now I couldn’t stop. Sawyer’s hand found mine. I held onto him tightly. Holden sauntered in our direction. “C’mon, man.” He slapped Sawyer on the back. “Let’s go buy the tickets.” Sawyer gave my hand a quick squeeze before releasing it and joining Holden. Once they had the tickets, we went into the theatre and found four seats in one of the middle rows. It was perfect. Not too far, but not too close. After settling into our seats, the boys left to get some sodas and popcorn. Chloe and I sat in awkward silence for a few minutes. I tried to think of something to say, but failed. All of the conversation topics that flew through my mind were lame. So finally I gave up and decided to use the

restroom before the show started. I slipped out of the theatre and hurried toward the ladies’ room across the lobby. On my way I passed the boys in line. Their backs were to me, and they hadn’t noticed me at all. My plan hadn’t been to stop, but then I heard Sawyer say something that caught my attention. It was one word, but it was significant. He’d said the word “Ben.” I held my breath as I continued listening. “He and his dad were fighting. Like really going at it. I couldn’t make out much of what they were saying, but his dad was really angry.” He ran a hand through his hair. Holden was staring at him enraptured. They didn’t even notice me. It made my skin crawl that my family was fodder for this kind of gossip. “I mean, it might mean something or it might not. I’m not sure. But it did happen two days before Ben’s death.” The room spun around me, the walls bending and curving. I closed my eyes in an attempt to stay upright. I couldn’t believe Sawyer had never told me this. And why was he telling Holden? It all hit me like a ton of bricks, and a small gasp escaped through my lips. I brought my hand up, smothering my mouth with my palm. But it was too late. Sawyer and Holden had heard me. They whipped their heads in my direction. When Sawyer’s gaze locked with mine, he knew I’d heard him. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off with a vehement shake of my head. Then I spun around and fled toward the doors.

CHAPTER 14

Sawyer Damn it, she was running away again. Why had I said anything to Holden? I should’ve kept my mouth shut. She’d finally stopped running, and she was beginning to trust me. Now I’d screwed it all up. I guess I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. Besides, I wanted Holden’s opinion on when or if I should share it with Addison. Although, it didn’t matter now. She knew all right. The problem was that I wasn’t sure she’d ever forgive me for the way she found out. Telling her was already a risk, but at least I’d be in control. But now I’d lost all control over the situation. We reached the counter, but there was no way I could buy popcorn now. I threw Holden an apologetic look. “It’s okay, man,” he assured me. “I’ll take care of this. Go after her.” Nodding, I took off running. The minute I stepped outside cold air smacked me in the face. It was like a wake-up call. Like someone threw cold water on my face. She was standing a few feet away hugging herself, her face ravaged with pain. I never should’ve kept this from her. What was I thinking? “Addie,” I started as I stepped toward her. “Addison,” she corrected firmly. Shit. “I’m sorry. I should have told you.” “So, it’s true.” Her lips trembled. This was not the way I wanted this to go down. She appeared so sad and vulnerable standing in front of me, her mouth quivering, her eyes shining. I wanted to take her in my arms, but I didn’t dare. “Yeah,” I spoke softly. “I don’t understand.” She scratched the top of her head. Id’ never seen her so lost, and that was saying something. “You saw my dad and brother fighting? Where?” “At a gas station. It was late and I was getting gas. They were at the pump opposite mine.” “What were they fighting about?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t hear what they said.” “Why didn’t you tell me?” Betrayal flashed in her eyes. “At the time it just seemed like a typical father/son argument. I didn’t even give it a second thought. It wasn’t until I got to know you that I realized it might mean something.” “Then why didn’t you tell me?” I swallowed hard. It was a legitimate question. But I wasn’t sure I had a legitimate answer. “I didn’t want to upset you.” “That worked out well,” she muttered. “I’m so sorry.” Her eyes snapped to mine. “My dad’s gone. Did you know that?” I nodded. She’d never told me what happened with her dad, but I knew he wasn’t around. She ran an agitated hand through her hair. “I can’t believe I trusted you.” Her words cut to my heart. I was losing her. “You still can.” “No, I can’t.” She shook her head. “I should’ve known better. I can’t trust anyone.” “Addison.” I reached for her, but she pushed my hand away. “You said you were different, Sawyer. But you’re just like all the rest of them.” “You know that’s not true.” I had to make her see she was wrong. The problem was, I didn’t know how to do that now. “You were talking about me behind my back. You were telling Holden my family secrets. How is that different?” It wasn’t. Not at all. I hung my head. “Take me home,” she said, then shook her head. “No, scratch that. I’ll find my own way.” “No.” I grabbed her wrist. “I’m not letting you do that. I’ll take you home.” Wriggling out of my grasp, she gave me a resigned nod. I shot a text to Holden to let him know what I was doing, and then I walked Addison to my van. My heart broke a little with every step. By the time we got inside it felt like the beginning of the end. It seemed surreal that moments ago the night had begun with promise. I had thought the night would help Addison heal. But instead it had succeeding in

hurting her more. I was so angry I wanted to ram my fist into something. Me and my big mouth. When would I learn? If only there was a rewind button for my life. I would definitely press it now. Too bad one didn’t exist. Addison kept her face turned away from me, staring out the side window as I drove. The silence was deafening. I racked my brain for something to say. Anything to make this better, but I didn’t know what. I’d already said I was sorry. Already explained my stupid reasoning. What more was there? I wasn’t a poet like Addison. Words didn’t come easily to me. I wished for some of her talent right now. But there was no way to drum up something I didn’t possess, and I was running out of time. We were nearing her street, and by the looks of things she wasn’t going to do any talking. Panic gripping me, I opened my mouth. I had to say something. “What I saw between your dad and brother might not have meant anything. That’s why I was talking to Holden. I was trying to do the right thing. I trust him, and I was getting his opinion on what I should do.” I stared forward, gripping the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles whitened. “It doesn’t matter to me why you did it,” Addison responded, staring out the window. The back of her head mocked me. I’d rather have her face me, no matter how angry she was. At least then I’d know I meant something to her. This felt like letting go. Like she didn’t even think I was worth looking at. “It only matters that you did.” Reaching up, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “My brother promised to always have my back, but he didn’t. He killed himself. My dad always told me he’d never leave. But after Ben died, he took off. Didn’t even say goodbye. He left while I was at school.” Her voice wavered. It killed me. I wanted to grab her hand and comfort her. But I kept my hands on the wheel, kept my distance. I knew it was what she wanted. And it was the least I could do for her now. “People’s words don’t mean shit to me anymore, Sawyer. It’s their actions that matter.” Her house came into view, and I turned my car guiding it up to the curb. “I was stupid. I got sucked in by your words.” She reached for the door handle, and my chest tightened. “But you showed your true colors tonight.” With quick movements she opened the passenger door.

Before she could jump out, I latched onto her other arm. “Don’t say that.” “Let go of me.” She shook her arm until my fingers slipped from it. Her expression was hard, the same way it was when we met. The light was gone from her eyes. I could see the walls she’d built around herself. The ones I thought were starting to crumble. After she slid off the passenger seat, her eyes met mine briefly. “Good bye, Sawyer.” I couldn’t let her go. There was no way. After she slammed the door and started heading toward her house, I leapt out of the car and raced after her. “You can’t walk away from this, Addison,” I called out. She stiffened, but didn’t turn. “Go away.” Her voice sounded tired, sad. “Please.” As much as it pained me, I knew pushing her anymore today was wrong. She was hurt, she was tired. I needed to respect her. I needed to give her space. Maybe when she had time to think, to clear her head, she’d come around. “I’ll go, but this isn’t over.” “Oh, trust me. It is.” A bitter laugh escaped through her lips as she jammed her key into the front door of her house. “It’s not, Addison. We have a connection.” I knew I should shut the hell up. Hadn’t I already gotten in trouble tonight because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut? Seriously, someone should wire the thing closed. But I couldn’t stop talking. I couldn’t bear the thought of her walking out of my life. Part of me wanted to say something to piss her off so bad that she’d come at me with guns blazing. That was something I could work with. Addison’s anger didn’t scare me. This Addison scared me. The one that was closed off. The one acting like she was too tired to fight me. “Correction. We had a connection.” “We still do,” I breathed out like a prayer. “Please, Addison, don’t go inside yet. I know you’re mad at me, but we can work this out.” “I’m not mad at you, Sawyer,” she said, and my spirits lifted a little. “Actually, I’m not anything at you anymore.” Her words hit their mark. I sagged under the weight of them. Stepping back, I pressed my lips

together. Finally, I would shut up. There was nothing left to say after that. I’d let her go tonight. But if she thought I was giving up, she was sorely mistaken. Even if she wanted me to. Yes, I made a mistake, but I’d never intentionally hurt Addison. I cared about her, and I would do everything I could to prove that. I watched as she disappeared inside her house. Staring at it, I envisioned her inside, walking toward her room. My lips buzzed, remembering how she’d kissed me the last time we’d been inside. How she stared at me with hunger and passion. That day I had meant something to her, and I longed for that again.

CHAPTER 15

Addison Mom was asleep on the couch, her arms tucked up under her head. The television blared in the background, running the credits of a movie. An empty bottle of wine sat on the coffee table. I covered her with the quilt that was draped on the back of the couch and then turned off the TV. Silence enveloped me as I trudged down the hallway toward my room. Images of Sawyer flooded me when I stepped inside it. I saw him sitting on the edge of my bed wearing that lopsided smile of his. And I saw him holding me in his arms and looking tenderly into my eyes. Blinking, I shut my mind off to the memories. The last thing I needed was to get all sad and weepy over a boy. I knew it was a mistake from the get-go. This was my fault. There was no going back. And there was no use crying over spilled milk. That was a phrase my mom used to use all the time, and I never really understood it. I did now. What was done was done. And I had to accept that. But I wasn’t going to sit around and cry about it or dwell on it at all. I was going to do what I did best. Hold my head high and move on. Stripping off my clothes, I threw them in the hamper and replaced them with a t-shirt and pajama bottoms. I thought momentarily about tossing them in the trash, but decided against it. Sure, I’d never wear them again. Starting tomorrow it was back to ripped jeans and black t-shirts. But trashing the clothes wasn’t smart. I could probably exchange them at the thrift shop or something. Shuffling down the hall, I went into the bathroom and scrubbed the makeup off my face. Remembering how hard I’d worked to look perfect for tonight made me feel silly. I should’ve known it wouldn’t go well. I didn’t belong in that group. And to think, I was considering going back to my old look. That was never happening now. No, it was easier this way. I needed tough, aloof Addison. In fact, from now on I planned to never stray from her. My heart couldn’t take anymore, and she was good at protecting it. No more letting down my guard. That would

only lead to heartache. Once my face was washed and hair was brushed, I slipped back into my room. But not before pausing in front of Ben’s. I thought over what Sawyer had said. What had Ben and my dad been arguing about days before his suicide? And why in public? Sawyer may have thought it wasn’t odd. He may have assumed it was a normal father/son argument, but that’s because he didn’t know my dad. He was the most private person in the world. Well, maybe not the world, but definitely the most private person I’d ever met. He hated public displays of anything. We never acted out in public if dad was around. He wouldn’t allow it. So whatever he and Ben were discussing, it had to have been bad for him to cause a scene in the middle of a gas station late at night? And what were they even doing there? My head spun with questions. The memory of the last time I’d seen Dad popped into my mind. It was the night before he left. He and Mom were fighting. It started out as low whispering coming from their bedroom, but pretty soon their voices rose to shouting. That’s what scared me, so I’d ventured out of my room and tip-toed down the hallway. Dad was talking so loudly it didn’t take much effort to figure out what he was saying. But none of it made sense to me. He was blaming Mom for Ben’s death. Saying that if she had parented differently none of it would have happened. It was so shocking. I’d only heard my parents fight a few times in my entire life, and never like that. Never had my dad spoken to my mom with such animosity or anger. Mom’s muffled cries reached my ears, and it was all too much. I scurried back to my room and hid under the covers. I fell into a fitful, restless sleep. And the next day while I was at school, Dad packed up his stuff and left. Mom told me she didn’t know where he went, but I suspected she did. Now I wondered if maybe she’d been telling the truth. If what Sawyer said was true, then Dad knew more about Ben’s death than he let on. Perhaps Dad was shifting blame onto Mom because he didn’t want to face his own culpability. All I knew was that I had to find out the truth. Lately I’d gotten so wrapped up in Sawyer that I’d given up my quest to find answers about Ben’s death. But that was done. Over. And now I needed to focus on what was important.

And, trust me, that wasn’t a crush on some stupid boy. Once I had safely shut myself away in my room, I turned off my light and climbed into bed. Pressing my face into my pillow, I savored the coolness of it against my face. My comforter was soft and warm as it wrapped around my body. Closing my eyes, I longed for dreamless sleep. Longed to lose myself in it, for nothingness to envelop me. But it never came. Each time I started to feel my body drift off, Sawyer’s face came into view. Tossing and turning, I chased sleep, but never caught it. Finally, I gave up. With a groan, I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. I remembered the year my brother taped a picture of some swimsuit wearing supermodel to his bedroom ceiling after he got the idea from some TV show. He’d lie on his bed staring at it while practically drooling. I think it only lasted a couple of days until Mom saw it and made him take it down. I needed something like that. Not a picture of a half-naked woman, and definitely not a half-naked man. The last thing I needed was to get my mind on boys again. But it would be nice to have something to stare at, to keep me occupied. It was like how my pediatric dentist had fish stickers on the ceiling that you could focus on during a teeth cleaning. That’s what nighttime was like for me. A long, boring teeth cleaning. I lie here all night waiting for it to be over. Waiting for daylight to peek through the slats in the blinds, waiting for when I could climb out of bed and give up this ruse. Restless, I slipped out of bed and flicked on the wall switch. The room was bathed in bright yellow light. Sinking to the ground next to my backpack, I fished out a pen and my notebook. Then I made my way back over to my bed. If I couldn’t sleep, there was no point in continuing to try. And I was done with escaping to the cemetery. That wasn’t helping. Besides, it was cold tonight. I didn’t feel like braving the elements. Propping my pillow behind my back, I sat against it and opened my notebook to a blank page. Breathing deeply, I bent over the paper and started writing furiously, allowing the words to flow from my pen. Allowing my pain to spill from the ink. To drain from me and live on the page. Mom was no help at all. On Sunday morning I found her nursing her hangover with a gallon of

coffee. She was hunched over the kitchen counter sucking it down like it was water and she’d returned from a week in the desert. “Rough night?” I hadn’t even spoken loudly, but she jumped and then grabbed her head in her hands. She could be in an anti-drinking ad right about now. When she faced me, I cringed. Mascara ringed her eyes and her hair was plastered to her scalp in curly tangles. “It was fine. How was yours?” My insides twisted, but I smiled. No way was I explaining what happened to Mom. Then she’d go all “mom” on me and want to talk things out, and I so wasn’t in the mood for that. In fact, I couldn’t think of any moment in my life when I was in the mood for that. “Fine,” I lied as I maneuvered around her to grab myself a cup of coffee. After pouring it, I leaned my back against the tile counter and faced Mom. “Hey,” I said, “did Dad say anything to you about him and Ben having an argument the week Ben died?” Mom appeared stricken, but then again she always looked that way when Ben was mentioned. “No. Why? Did they?” It was then that I realized Mom probably shouldn’t have been the first person I spoke to. Of course Dad didn’t share this with her. If he had she would’ve used this in her defense the night he was laying all the blame at her feet. “I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I guess I was just trying to figure out why Dad left.” This was one advantage to keeping secrets. Mom had no idea I heard she and Dad fighting that night. I’d never said a word. “Oh, honey.” Her face crumbled, causing panic to rise inside of me. I couldn’t do this with her right now. Shoving off the counter, I almost spilled my coffee in the process. But I had to get out of here fast before she wanted us to grieve together, before she tried to comfort me, and before she turned those sad puppy dog eyes on me. I set the cup down and hurried out of the kitchen. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything,” I muttered, keeping my head down as I walked. “I’m fine. Really.” Luckily she didn’t follow me. But I pictured her crying into her coffee cup, and guilt practically

swallowed me whole. That was a dumb move. I had to be smarter from now on. Had to think through a plan instead of blurting things out to everyone. Ben had never been one to keep things to himself. He wasn’t a loner. In fact, he always had people around him. Over the years he’d even been teased for oversharing. Lost girlfriends over it too. That’s why it was so weird that he’d taken his life without talking to anyone about it first. But I knew that if he had a fight with Dad he would share it with someone. And I thought I knew who that someone would be.

CHAPTER 16

Sawyer Addison wasn’t in the quad during lunch. In fact, she wasn’t anywhere on campus. I know because I searched for her the entire lunch period. She hadn’t returned any of my texts since our date on Saturday night, and I was determined to talk with her. I figured I could corner her at school. Make her listen to me. But that was impossible to do if I couldn’t find her. “She’s still avoiding you, huh?” Holden asked when I finally gave up and plunked down on the grass next to him and Chloe. Their hands were linked between them, and it made my stomach clench. Chloe’s dark hair batted in the breeze, whipping into Holden’s face. The contents of their half-eaten lunches spread out between their legs. Sighing, I nodded. “Sorry, man,” Holden said, giving me a sympathetic nod of his head. “Give her time,” Chloe said, popping a grape into her mouth. A glimmer of hope sparked. “You think she’ll come around?” Chloe smiled. “She’s mad now, but she’ll get over it. Trust me.” I wanted to believe her, but I wasn’t sure I did. “How can you be sure?” “I saw the way she looked at you on Saturday night.” Her gaze flickered over to Holden. “She really likes you, Sawyer.” My heart jumped at her words. In my mind I conjured up the memory of the way Addison smiled at me that night. Fisting my hands at my sides, familiar anger rose up inside of me. If only I hadn’t messed it all up. “Hey, you’ve gotta stop beating yourself up, man,” Holden interrupted as if reading my thoughts. “You made a mistake, but you were trying to do the right thing.” He was right, but I wasn’t sure Addison would see it the same way. “What do you think, Chloe? Would you have forgiven Holden for something like this when you first started dating?” They exchanged knowing glances. Sometimes the ease in which they interacted caused envy to

creep up on me. It was like they didn’t even need words to communicate. Like their souls spoke to one another. I used to find it creepy. Now I was desperate to have the same connection with someone. Well, not someone. It used to be someone. A nameless, faceless someone. But now my desire had a face. And it was Addison’s. I wanted that connection with Addison. “Yes, I definitely would’ve forgiven him.” She smiled. “I forgave him for a lot when we first started dating.” I remembered how mean Ryan had been about Holden’s relationship with Chloe, and I was sure he hadn’t made things easy between them. In fact, there was one big fight between Chloe and Holden that was completely Ryan and my fault. I had to step in and take the rightful blame. And I did. It gave me encouragement. If Chloe could forgive Holden for all the crap he put her through, surely Addison could forgive me. “But he was persistent,” Chloe added. My gaze bounced to hers. “Weren’t you the one telling me to give her space?” “And you should for the next couple of days,” Chloe said. “Give her time to miss you. And during that time think of a way to show her how sorry you are.” I thought of all the grand gestures Holden did for Chloe. How he swept her off her feet in front of everyone at a football game while she was in her marching band uniform. Now I understood why. It must have been part of the reason she forgave him. Nodding, I knew what she was saying. But I couldn’t use Holden’s tactics. They were unique to his relationship with Chloe. Besides, Addison wouldn’t react well to me putting her on display. She didn’t want attention. And she certainly didn’t want attention from the entire school. I had to show her how much I cared in a way that she would respond to. Chewing on my bottom lip, I mulled this over. As the bell pealed signaling the end of lunch, it hit me. I knew exactly what to do. With a groan, I crumpled up the piece of binder paper and tossed it into the trash can. It was now overflowing with wadded up balls of paper. I’d been sitting on top of my bed for hours trying to come up with a poem that would knock Addison’s socks off. So far I’d come up with a few one-liners that would

probably make her laugh. And not because they were jokes, or even meant to be funny, but because my poetry sucked so royally bad. I rolled my neck, working out the kinks from being bent over my notebook for so long. Then I dropped my pen and wriggled out my fingers. Staring down at the blank sheet of paper in front of me, my stomach dropped. I wasn’t good with words like Addison. Why did I ever think this would work? My mind traveled back to when I’d first kissed Addison. I remembered how she kissed me back so passionately, so hungrily. There was no way I could give up now. Addison would never respond to grand gestures. She liked private. She liked simple. And she liked poetry. She was never going to welcome a conversation with me right now. If I showed up at her house demanding to talk, she’d slam the door in my face. The only way to tell her how I felt was through the written word. This way she’d have time to mull it over, time to ponder it. But it would also require me becoming a much better writer than I was in a very short period of time. Picking up my pen, I stuck the end of it in my mouth and chomped down hard. This felt like homework. And I’d never been very good at homework. It wasn’t that I hated to do it. Focusing was tough for me. Organizing my thoughts was difficult. But I had to do it. For Addison. Glancing around my room, I realized that nothing in here was going to help me. My walls were covered in football posters, my dresser carrying sports memorabilia. Not exactly romance central. I thought of Addison’s pink, frilly room, and my lips twitched. My gaze landed on my Ipod, and I paused remembering Addison’s confession about how she liked country music. Country music was full of love songs, right? Scrambling off my bed, I snatched up my Ipod. With my thumb I scrolled through my playlist until I found the perfect album. After putting earbuds in my ears, I pressed play on the first song and sat back allowing the music to blanket me. I hummed along for a few minutes and then reached for the notebook. Images of Addison flooded my mind, and I scribbled down the first words I could think of. It was attraction at first.

A want, a need, a desire. A tiny spark that became a flame. And then an all-consuming fire. I know I’ve messed up, made mistakes. But every day without you is long and empty. Every thought of you causing my heart to ache. We are alike, we are the same. I meant when I said I was all in. This isn’t just fun and games. I’m not going anywhere, not running away. And I’m begging you, Addie. Please stay. Reading back over it, I knew it was lame. But it was how I felt. It was true. And it was a hell of a lot better than what I’d written before. Without second guessing myself or trashing this one too, I stood up and went to my computer. Clicking it on, it rebooted, coming to life. Once the screen turned on, I pulled up a blank word document. I knew Addison would never be able to decipher my handwriting. Hell, I could hardly read it, and I was the one who wrote it. With shaky hands, I typed up the poem. By the time I finished, nerves had sufficiently eaten through my stomach and my palms were filled with sweat. This was way worse than pre-game jitters. I was pretty sure I was close to hurling. Never in a million years would I have believed I’d be this nervous over a girl. But Addison wasn’t just a girl. She meant something to me. And no one was more surprised by this than I was. I printed out the poem and then plucked it up. Holding it between my fingers, I headed out of my room and out the front door of my house. Taking a deep breath, I stepped toward the “Barney Mobile.” It was now or never. I would deliver the poem to Addison and then pray she would forgive me.



CHAPTER 17

Addison It was impossible to miss the “Barney Mobile” as it came careening down my street. I had been standing in the front yard puffing on a cigarette. Mom was out running errands (or so she said) and I had assumed I would have some time to myself. I’d returned from Kevin’s, but no one was home. It was the second time I’d gone over to his house. Both times I’d come up empty. And I’d sent him a message on Facebook and Instagram, but got no response. After Sawyer told me about Ben and Dad’s fight, I was certain that Kevin had answers. Surely Ben had told me about the argument. They were best friends, after all. If only I could call him. I was sure Ben had his number programmed into his phone. Too bad Ben’s phone had been missing ever since his death. One more thing that didn’t make sense to me. Sawyer was the last person I expected to show up at my house. Not after I’d made it clear I didn’t want to see him again. I thought of throwing down my cigarette and running into the house, but it was too late. He’d already spotted me and was pulling over to the curb. Remembering how much he hated when I smoked, I held onto my cigarette and wore a smug grin. Maybe this would repel him once and for all. My heart pinched a little at the thought. It was always betraying me. I should want him out of my life after what he did. So why did my heart long for him? Leaning against the tree trunk, I took a long drag from my cigarette and watched Sawyer step out of the car. As the car door slammed behind him, I exhaled. Smoke streamed from my lips, and vanished into the air. Momentary regret seized me as Sawyer neared me. He looked sinfully good in jeans and a tight t-shirt, his hair slightly messy, his eyes piercing mine as if they could see into my very soul. I swallowed hard. As he stepped closer, I dropped my cigarette into the grass and stomped it out with the toe of my shoe. Sawyer’s gaze fell to it, and a look of disgust passed over his features. My chest tightened. I crossed my arms over my chest. “Save the lecture. I know all about the dangers of smoking. And I’m not in the mood.” He shook his head, sadness flickering in his eyes. “I didn’t come here to fight with you, Addison.”

I knew I had asked him not to call me Addie anymore, but the formality in his words cut to my heart. “Then why did you come?” Inside I wanted nothing more than to grab him, to kiss his lips, to beg him to hold me. I wanted to feel his arms around me. I was desperate for the safety and security only he could give me. But then I remembered his words to Holden, and I held back. No, it was better this way. “To give you this.” I flinched when he held out his hand, and his face fell. “Shit, Addison. I’m not gonna hit you.” His face darkened. “Why did you react that way? Has someone hurt you?” The protectiveness in his tone drew me to him even more. It took all my willpower to keep my distance. “No,” I responded softly. Then I took the paper that dangled from his fingers. Our hands brushed swiftly, and my pulse quickened. “What is it?” “It’s for you. Just read it when you can.” With a regretful smile, he turned around and walked back toward his van. Even though I was mad at him, I couldn’t help but admire his butt as it hugged his jeans. Then I shook away the inappropriate thoughts and glanced down at the paper in my hand. While the engine on the “Barney Mobile” roared to life in the background, I carefully unfolded the page. When my gaze connected with the first few typed words I realized it was a poem. Brows furrowed, I peered up, watching Sawyer drive away from my house and down the street. I had no idea Sawyer wrote poetry. He’d never mentioned it before. Perplexed, I returned my attention to the poem he’d penned. As I read it, tears threatened to fill my eyes. It was a good thing he’d left. If he was standing in front of me, I’d never be able to contain myself. As it stood, I wanted to race into my car, drive to find him, and kiss him hard. And maybe I should have. No one had ever written anything so beautiful for me. And I wanted to reward him for that. Hell, I wanted to hold onto him and never let go. But I still wasn’t sure that was smart. My heart had already been stomped on enough this year. With Ben killing himself and Dad taking off, it was more than I could take. I’d lost the only two guys that had ever meant anything to me. And now, here I was, allowing another guy access to my life, my heart. I

knew I was opening myself up to hurt the minute our lips fused together, sending off a spark of electricity that could light up this whole town. But when I heard him talking to Holden, it hit me, slamming into me like a mack truck. Sawyer’s betrayal had the power to obliterate me. He had the power to smash my heart into tiny pieces, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover. And that’s why I had to stay away. It was the only way to protect myself. Still I didn’t want to throw away the poem. I would keep it. It would remind me that once in my life there was a guy willing to stay with me. That there was one person on this whole earth that didn’t run away from me at their first opportunity. Too bad I had to run away from him. Shoulders slumped, I trudged into the house. The scent of smoke clung to my hair and skin as I stepped inside. It was more apparent in here among the scent of potpourri and bleach. Closing the door, emptiness enveloped me. The toe of my shoe hit something, and it flew across the floor. Following it, I bent over and picked it up. It was a scrap of paper with an address written on it in Mom’s handwriting. I had suspected that Mom was visiting Dad when she took off unannounced. My heart plummeted at the thought. So it really was only me that he was staying away from. A sob tore from the back of my throat. Ben had always been his favorite, but I’d thought we were close too. Apparently I’d been wrong. When Dad first left, I blamed Mom. After hearing their fight, I was certain he left because of her. But when I asked her why he hadn’t at least told me where he was going, or why he hadn’t called me, she said it was too hard for him to be around me right now. Said I reminded him too much of Ben, of what he’d lost. Ben and I were spitting images of each other, right down to our blond hair and green eyes. It was one of the reasons I dyed my hair. I thought maybe if I didn’t resemble Ben anymore that Dad could be around me. But now I knew he was seeing Mom, and he still didn’t want to see me. Taking a deep breath, I wiped the traces of tears from my face. Then I stared at the handwritten address. Dad may not have wanted to face me, but he didn’t have a choice. I was his daughter, and he had an obligation to me.

Spinning around, I headed back outside, the scrap of paper with the address in one hand, the poem in the other. With renewed purpose, I stalked toward the empty car parked in the driveway, keys jangling in my pocket. It was time to get some answers. The house wasn’t far from ours. It was in the same subdivision that many of my former friends lived in. It was cute. Smaller than ours. A “FOR RENT” sign was stuck in the middle of the front lawn. As I got out of the car, I wondered why the sign wasn’t taken down. Mom’s car was parked in front of mine, another car was in the driveway. I didn’t recognize it, and my heart pinched. Had Dad gotten a new car too? A new house, a new car. What else was new? Pulse racing, I hurried up the walkway. The wooden stairs creaked as I made my way to the porch. The door was unlocked, so I stepped inside. When my gaze scoured the room, confusion filled me. It was empty, not one piece of furniture in sight. Perhaps Dad hadn’t moved in yet. But if that was the case, where had he been staying all this time? Voices carried from down the hall, male and female. I inched forward, moving toward them. Dad had always been happy to see me. When I was little, I would wait at the window for him to return home from work. The minute he walked in the door I’d launch myself at him. A large smile would sweep across his face as he took me in his arms. But I wasn’t expecting that same response today. Clearly, he didn’t want to see me. If that were the case, he would’ve contacted me. He wouldn’t be meeting with Mom in private. With each step anger grew, spreading like weeds in a garden. I had almost reached the room where they were speaking when Mom stepped out into the hallway. Her eyes widened upon seeing me. A figure came up behind her, and I glanced up. A gasp sounded at the back of my throat. He wasn’t Dad. “What’s going on?” I asked Mom, my tone accusatory. “I could ask you the same thing.” Her face clouded over. “How did you know where I was?” The man appeared uncomfortable. He wore a suit and held a briefcase in his hand. Moving around Mom, he cleared his throat. “I’ll give you two a moment.”

When he was out of earshot, I turned on Mom. “You dropped the address on the ground. I thought maybe it was Dad’s address.” “Oh, honey.” A look of pity crossed her features. I didn’t want it, so I shook my head. “What are you doing here? What is this?” “I was going to talk to you about it later tonight.” “Tell me now.” Mom took a deep breath as if drawing courage. “I’m renting this house.” “What? But we own our house. Why would we move?” “We’re selling it.” She shook her head. “I can’t live there anymore. It’s too painful.” I couldn’t argue with that. The place was seriously depressing. But what about Dad? I always pictured him coming back, us being a family again. “Does Dad know?” She nodded. Fear lodged in my throat. It was like I knew the answer, but I had to ask. “Is he going to live with us here?” “No, honey. I’m sorry.” “Never?” “It’s over, Addie.” “Addison!” I corrected. That name was painful before. Now it was downright torturous. Mom paused, her chest heaving. “We’re getting divorced.” “Whose idea was that?’ “Both of ours.” She forced a smile. “It’s for the best. Trust me.” This was bullshit. I spun around, tears in my eyes. I had to get out of here. Stumbling out of the house, I staggered down the walkway and hurried to my car. I could hear Mom calling after me, but there was no way I was turning around. As I drove away from the house that would soon be ours, loneliness swallowed me up. And I realized I had no one. I’d never felt so alone in my entire life.

CHAPTER 18

Sawyer I spotted Addison across the quad. She sat with her back against the building, her legs bent, scribbling furiously in the notebook spread over her knees. It was Thursday, and it was the first time I’d seen her at school all week. I assumed she’d been skipping. Not that I knew for sure. She still wasn’t talking to me. No texts, no phone calls, not even a glance my way. Earlier today I’d passed her in the halls and she kept her head down, her gaze averted. Honestly, I’d rather have her glare at me, yell at me, something. Ignoring me hurt worse. It was like I was invisible. Like I meant nothing at all. “She’s still not talking to you, huh?” Chloe asked, following my gaze. Swallowing hard, I nodded. Turning away from Addison, I reached for my bottle of water that sat in the grass near my thigh. “Have you tried talking to her?” Chloe raised an eyebrow. Holden sat beside her, his hand on her leg. Combing my fingers through my hair, I grunted. “I even wrote her a poem.” “What?” Holden chuckled. “I never knew you were a poet.” “I’m not,” I said. “But Addison is.” “Ah.” Holden’s eyes widened in understanding. “Well, maybe that’s the problem.” Reaching over, he punched me good-naturedly in the shoulder. “Maybe your poem sucked.” I laughed. “Yeah, it probably did.” Chloe glanced over her shoulder. “She’s all alone. Go talk to her.” Hesitating, I thought about it for a moment. Then shook my head. “Nah. I’ve been chasing her since the day we met. It’s her turn to come to me.” My pride had been wounded enough by that girl. A look of disappointment flashed in Chloe’s eyes, but I shoved it aside. She didn’t understand. “I get it,” Holden said with an encouraging smile. “A person can only handle so much rejection before they can’t take it anymore.”

Holden’s words floated through my mind. Addison had taken her brother’s suicide personally. Saw it as a rejection of her. Saw it as him abandoning her. And when her dad left, she felt rejected by him. It colored how she viewed others now. Hadn’t she even admitted to me that she was scared? Scared of being left again? I glanced at Holden and Chloe, remembering all Holden had done to prove himself to Chloe. They hadn’t always trusted each other the way they do now. They had to earn it. “Yeah, you’re right,” I said to Holden. Taking a deep breath, I pushed myself up off the ground. Screw my pride. I wanted that girl. “Where ya going, man?” Holden’s brows furrowed. “Chloe’s right. I should talk to her.” Before I walked off, I saw the ghost of a smile playing on Chloe’s lips. Holden appeared thoroughly confused. Not that I blamed him. I was all over the place today. With fast strides, I made my way across the grass, my sights set on Addison. Her purple hair glittered in the sunlight, her dark nails shimmering as she wrote swiftly. Before reaching her, a girl stood in front of me, blocking my path. It was one of Addison’s former friends Becca. “Hey, Sawyer.” She smiled seductively. “Come over here to tell us a joke?” A few of her friends giggled at her side. Once upon time I would have enjoyed this kind of flirting. In fact, I probably would’ve thrown out a joke or two. It’s what I was known for, after all. But not today. Today I was on a mission. I shoved past Becca and spoke loudly. “No, sorry. I’m only interested in talking to one person today.” Once I was in front of Addison, I dropped to my knees. She still wouldn’t look at me. Her gaze was trained on her notebook, but her cheeks flushed in response to my proximity. Reaching forward, I snatched her notebook. Anger painted her face, and she thrust her hands forward trying to take it back. But finally she was looking at me. I closed the notebook and set it on the ground. “Addie,” I spoke firmly. She stopped squirming, her mouth opening, and I knew she was getting ready to admonish me. “Don’t correct me,” I said before she could say anything. “You told me I could call you Addie, and I’m going to, because that’s who you are to me.” Sliding closer, I framed her face with my hands. “Look at me.” Reluctantly she did as she was told. All around us people were watching, and I could feel her discomfort. But she wasn’t moving. She was staying still. For that I was grateful. “I know I messed up. But I was trying to do the right

thing. I didn’t want to hurt you. Believe it or not, I was trying to spare your feelings. I wasn’t sure if what I witnessed between your dad and brother meant anything, and I didn’t want to give you false hope or open up a can of worms that shouldn’t have been opened. I know now that I handled it wrong, and I’m sorry.” Her eyes locked on mine, and in them I saw hope. She wanted to believe me, I could tell. “I mess up a lot, Addie. It’s what I do. This wasn’t the first time, and it sure as hell won’t be the last. So I can’t promise you I won’t screw up again. But I’ll never hurt you intentionally.” I paused, praying I was getting through to her. “I know you told me to leave you alone, but I can’t do that. I meant what I said to you. I’m in this, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not abandoning you.” My grip on her face tightened. “Do you hear me, Addie? I’m not leaving you.” Slowly, she nodded. Her eyes were moist, and she blinked. Once, twice. It was all I needed. Tilting my face to hers, I covered her lips with mine. She tasted like mint and fruit lipgloss. Exerting more pressure, the kiss deepened. Her hands lifted to my shirt, her fingers gripping the thin fabric. It spurred me on. She wanted me. She needed me. I could feel it in the way she held onto me. In the way she kissed me fervently. When our lips parted, she fell against me. “Thank you for coming back,” she whispered. “Every time,” I promised. Apparently, it wasn’t poetry that would win her over. It was knowing that I wouldn’t leave her. That I wouldn’t abandon her the way the other men in her life had done. Now I knew the secret, and I wouldn’t let her down. “I’m sorry my poem sucked.” She peered up at me. “It didn’t suck. I loved it.” Reaching up, she touched my lips. “But I love this more.” It wasn’t enough to stay with Addison. I wanted to do more. I wanted to help her. I wanted to take away all her sadness. To give her back what she’d lost. There was no way to give Ben back to her. He was gone for good, unfortunately. But I could find her dad, so I contacted my uncle who worked as a private investigator. It only took him a few hours to find Addison’s dad. And that’s how I found myself driving Addison out to her dad’s apartment on Saturday morning. I didn’t tell her where we were going. I told her it was a surprise. Butterflies swarmed my stomach as I

drove, and I wondered if I was making another mistake. What if she didn’t want to see her dad? What if she was angry with me for getting involved? Peering over at her, I summoned up all my courage. It was too late to back down now. We were already pulling into the complex. Addison stared out the window, her eyes bright with curiosity. When I parked, she cocked her head to the side. “What are we doing here?” I adjusted the ball cap on my head and stared at the door in front of my car. Number 32. “See that apartment right there?” Her head swiveled, and she nodded. “That’s where your dad lives.” Snapping her head back to me, she looked stricken. “How do you know?” “My uncle is a private investigator. I asked him to find your dad for me.” “Why?” Her tone was soft, gentle, not accusing, and I was grateful for that. Still, she didn’t exactly sound happy about this. I tenderly lowered my hand over hers. “I know how much you miss him. And I know you want answers.” Her shoulders bounced up and down as she breathed. Biting her lip, she turned back to the apartment door. “He’s still in town.” Her voice was breathy, almost trance-like. “He didn’t even leave town. He’s minutes from where we live.” She paused. “And yet he’s never tried to contact me.” She looked straight at me, the pain in her eyes so stark it almost bowled me over. “Why?” “I don’t know, Addie.” I shook my head, anger with Addison’s dad surfacing. How dare he treat his own daughter like this? She looked so afraid, so fragile. “I’ll go in with you if you need my support.” Her expression was one of confusion. “Or I’ll wait in the car. Whatever you want.” “I don’t think I can do this,” she whispered. “I’m not ready to talk to him.” “That’s okay,” I assured her, hurriedly turning back on the car and pulling out of the space. Now that I knew she wasn’t ready, I wanted to get the hell out of there. I didn’t want to risk Mr. West stepping outside and spotting us.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly once we made it out of the parking lot. “For what?” I really felt like I should be the one apologizing at this point. “You went to all that trouble for me….and I couldn’t do it.” The sadness laced in her words pierced my heart. Turning the corner, I entered a suburban neighborhood. Pulling over to the curb in front of a quiet house, drapes drawn, I put the van in park. Then I turned to Addison, knotting our hands together between us. “Hey, you don’t need to apologize. You don’t ever have to do anything you don’t want to do. I’ll never expect you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Okay?” She nodded. “Thank you, Sawyer.” I loved when she said my name. It gave me chills when it rolled off her tongue. “You don’t have to thank me. I did this because I wanted to help you.” “I didn’t just mean for today. I meant for everything.” She tucked a strand of colorful hair behind her ear. Her face was open and vulnerable as she stared into my eyes. “Why are you so nice to me?” I moved closer to her. Lifting my hand, I curved it around her face, my fingers slipping beneath her hair. My thumb caressed the smooth skin on her cheek. “I care about you, Addie. A lot.” “But I’ve been so awful to you.” Her eyelids fluttered, her gaze lowering to her lap. “Well, sometimes.” I threw her a smile and wink. “But not always.” A small giggle escaped through her lips. “You’re forgetting I knew you before.” Her head bobbed up at this. Betrayal shined in her eyes. “So that’s what this is about? Your quest from freshman year when you and your friends made that list?” I shook my head vehemently. “No. Definitely not. What I meant was that I know how sweet you are.” Sliding my hand off her face, I pressed my palm to her heart. “In here. Sure, you show this tough exterior sometimes, but I know where it’s coming from. I know it’s because you’re scared. Because you feel abandoned and hurt, and you’re trying to protect yourself. But that girl who is angry and brooding, the one who smokes cigarettes and flips her middle finger at the world is not you. Not the real you.” She swallowed thickly. “How can you be sure? I mean, maybe that is who I am now.”

“It’s not. I know because in the moments when you let your guard down you’ve shown me glimpses of who you really are.” “No one else sees me the way you do.” She touched my face tenderly. Maybe the most tenderly she’d ever touched me. Her fingers trailed over my skin and flirted with the edges of my hair. “In fact, no one’s even really looked.” “I’m looking.” I smiled. “Trust me. I’m always looking.” This time it wasn’t me who initiated the kiss. It was her. She leaned forward almost teasing me at first with how softly her lips played over mine. It was so soft I had to open my eyes to see if our lips were really touching. But they were. And the care in which she brushed her lips to mine caused a groan to sound at the back of my throat. Her lips deftly moving over mine, applying a barely-there pressure, was the most sensual thing I’d ever experienced. She pulled back slightly, looking into my eyes. Then the corner of her lips curved slightly. It was like she knew the power she had over me, and she was enjoying it. But that was okay. I was enjoying it too. Staying completely still, I waited for her to make her next move. No way was I ruining this. It was the first time she’d come to me, and I planned to savor every moment. She angled her face, tilting it until our lips lined up once again. Warm breath met my mouth and I shuddered. Her hand dropped from my face feathering down my neck, while her other hand found my waist. I curved both my hands around her middle, holding her tightly as her lips met mine once again. This time she pressed down more firmly, her tongue finding mine. As we kissed, I lost track of time. I forgot we were parked in an unknown neighborhood, parked in front of a stranger’s house. I forgot that moments earlier we’d been about to walk into her dad’s apartment. Everything fell away. And it was only Addie and I suspended in this perfect moment.

CHAPTER 19

Addison I hadn’t meant to let Sawyer back in my life. My plan had been to avoid him indefinitely. His poem was sweet, but it hadn’t swayed me. It was words. And I was tired of meaningless words. Tired of people saying one thing and doing another. But Sawyer was so intense when he cornered me in the quad. There was desperation behind his words, sincerity in his eyes, and genuineness in his tone. But more importantly, I wanted to believe him. I wanted him in my life. I’d missed him a lot in the last week. So much, it surprised me. It wasn’t like we’d been hanging out for very long. Not long enough that I should miss his presence in my life. But I did. I missed his smile, his laugh, his kiss. And when he touched my face and promised never to leave me, I wanted him. I wanted to feel his arms around me, wanted to feel his lips on mine. I longed for that safe, protected feeling only he could give. And when he held me and kissed me, I did believe him. I believed that he wouldn’t leave me. That he really was in this for the long haul. When our lips disconnected, I stared into his eyes. “There’s something I need to tell you.” I hadn’t planned to share this with him, but now I wanted to. My life was falling apart, and I needed someone to talk to about it. Sawyer was the only person I trusted enough to tell. “Okay.” His expression turned wary. “We’re moving. My mom and I.” Alarm flashed across his face. “Where?” “Here in town.” When he sighed in relief, I realized he wasn’t getting it. “My mom and dad are splitting up.” “Oh, Addie.” His tone was laced with sympathy. I didn’t want sympathy from him, so I shook my head. “Don’t feel sorry for me. That’s not why I told you.”

“I don’t feel sorry for you.” His fingertips followed an invisible trail up to my lips and then skated across them. “But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to protect you.” Lowering his fingers from my lips, he cupped my face. “I want to erase all of your pain. I want to make all of your sadness go away. Just tell me how.” A constructed wall around my heart started to crumble. “You’re doing it, Sawyer. Every time you kiss me, or touch me, or hold me you take some of that sadness away.” I paused, a smile tugging at the corner of my lips. “Whenever I used to get scared as a little girl, I’d always run to my dad. Once I was in his arms, I knew I was safe. I haven’t felt that way with anyone else in my entire life…until I met you.” “Really?” His face lit up. I nodded. “I think that’s the reason I keep pushing you away. The only other person who has ever made me feel safe took off and left me.” “I told you I wasn’t going to do that.” “I know.” My hand moved to his knee. “And I don’t want to keep running from you. From this.” “I’m glad.” “It’s funny, my mom sent me to that grief counseling because she thought it would help me. I guess she was right, because it’s where I found you.” “I feel the same way.” I remembered how Sawyer shared the time I’d attended the group. And how he’d confessed that it helped him. My fingers slipped through his. “I know you’ve been ditching the group for me. Do you miss it?” “Addie, I went to the group so I would feel less alone. I’d hoped to connect with someone who understood what I was going through.” He squeezed my fingers, one of his eyebrows cocking up in a super sexy way. “I found exactly what I was looking for.” Moving closer to me, his expression sobered up. His hand left mine, the pads of his fingers exploring my face again. They danced over my lips in a sensual way. “I am sorry about your parents, Addie. And I’ll help you any way I can. Just tell me what to do.” “This,” I whispered against his fingertips. “You can do this.”

In Sawyer’s presence I could forget about everything else. All my troubles and worries melted away. All the darkness was overshadowed by light. But when he left, it all returned, crashing into me like a powerful wave, and at times it felt like I would drown under the force of it. That’s what this weekend was like. Sawyer and I had spent the day together on Saturday but Sunday he had plans with his parents, and I stayed home with Mom and helped her pack. It was difficult boxing up all of our stuff. Every item reminded me of the life I had before. The life with Ben and my dad. I missed my family the way it used to be. But Mom wasn’t interested in reminiscing. She was like a robot, the way she packed with no emotion. It was like she didn’t care at all. Like this wasn’t affecting her. Besides, we weren’t even speaking. I was still angry with her for making me move, for not telling me where Dad was, for keeping so many secrets. Maybe I wasn’t being fair. Perhaps she was masking her feelings, the same way I’d been doing for months. Either way it was painful to witness. And it made me feel even more alone. I longed for Sawyer. For his tender touch, his strong arms. I thought about how Sawyer had found Dad for me. So badly I wanted to march up to Dad’s apartment complex and demand answers. I wanted to know why he’d fought with Ben. I wanted to know what he was hiding. But mostly I wanted to know why he’d left. Mom clearly wasn’t sharing anything with me, and even though she acted like she was clueless, I wondered if that was really the case. The more I pondered what happened with Ben, the more in the dark I felt. And the more I suspected that everyone was keeping secrets. Secrets I had every right to know. “Watcha thinkin’?” Sawyer’s index finger landed on my chin. We were sitting in the middle of the grass in the quad eating lunch on Monday. Chloe and Holden had j left to grab a soda. It was the first time I’d hung out with all three of them since the disastrous movie date. They both had been nice and welcoming, but I couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfortable. “Nothin’,” I responded quickly, not wanting to spill my thoughts. “There’s something going on in that pretty head of yours.” He smiled, tipping my chin toward him. “Okay. Fine.” I grinned back. “I was thinking that I wanted to kiss you.”

“Ah.” There was a gleam in his eye that made my stomach flip. “I think I can grant that request.” “Can you now?” I bit my lip. It wasn’t what I’d been thinking, but it wasn’t exactly a lie either. Kissing Sawyer was never far from my thoughts. When his lips brushed mine, the world fell away. With each caress, every push and pull, he breathed life into me. My heart picked up speed, my body warmed. The numbness and loss that always threatened to take over dissipated a little. As I melted into him, the sound of shoes crunching on the grass caught my attention. Sawyer must have heard it too, because we quickly broke apart. “Sorry.” Chloe shot me an apologetic look. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.” “Yeah. Don’t stop on our account.” Holden chuckled. “Riddles here has had to witness more than his fair share of PDA between Chloe and me.” Sawyer put his arm around me and smiled up at his friend. Chloe plopped down onto the ground, holding a can of soda in her hand. Holden joined her. I snuggled up with Sawyer, grateful he was holding me. I felt stronger with his arm encasing me. “You sure got lucky the other night,” Chloe said to me as she popped the top on the soda can. It cracked and fizzled. “That movie was horrible.” She rolled her eyes. “It was not,” Holden argued. “It was. Trust me.” Chloe pinned me with a serious stare. “Ya dodged a bullet, girl.” My lips curled upward and I tossed Chloe a look of gratitude. I knew what she was doing, and I appreciated it. Suddenly things didn’t seem so awkward between us. “She’s right, you know.” Sawyer drew me closer, planting a kiss on my forehead. “It was horrible.” His lips feathered over my ear, hot breath warming the skin. “But only cause you weren’t there.” My cheeks colored at his words. No one else had heard them, so I didn’t respond. And I liked that he whispered them. They were only meant for me. Peering up at Sawyer, my heart leapt in my chest. I liked him more than I’d ever liked a boy before. And I could tell he felt the same way about me. I hoped I wasn’t making a huge mistake. The truth was, that my heart couldn’t bear losing another person. It’s why I should have stayed away. But it seemed that my heart and mind weren’t in sync when it

came to Sawyer. And it was my heart that kept winning out. The bell rang and we all gathered up our stuff. After we stood, we said a round of goodbyes, and Chloe and Holden headed off in different directions. Sawyer’s class was clear across campus from mine, so I quickly pecked him on the cheek. “I’ll see ya after school,” I said. “Wait.” His hand clamped around my wrist. “You’ve been quiet today. What’s going on?” “Nothing,” I said as if my words were on autopilot. “Addie,” he said my name like a warning. “Don’t shut me out.” I sighed. He was right. I was shutting him out, and I didn’t even know why. “Okay. Fine.” My shoulders slumped. He released my wrist. “I think part of the reason I can’t get over my brother’s suicide is because I don’t really have closure.” “What do you mean?” Sawyer’s eyebrows scrunched together in the center of his forehead. Students flew past us, and I knew we both needed to get to class. But I knew Sawyer wouldn’t let me leave until I finished what I was saying. And honestly, I wanted to fill him in. Now that I’d started talking, I didn’t want to stop. “I feel like I’m missing something. Like there’s more to my brother’s suicide than what we think. Like someone knows something.” A chill ran up my spine, and I shivered. Sawyer wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. I fell against him, pressing my cheek to his chest as he raked his hands up and down my back. “It just doesn’t make sense. Ben didn’t seem suicidal. I guess I’m trying to understand,” I said. It was silent around us. The bell rang, signaling the start of class, yet neither of us moved. “I get that.” Sawyer’s fingers painted lines up my back. “It’s like how everyone knows why Preston did what he did. It doesn’t make it any better, but at least we get it.” I nodded, my chin rubbing against the rough fabric of his shirt. “Yeah,” I breathed out. He understood. Whenever I shared my desire for answers to Mom she kept saying that it didn’t matter. That it wouldn’t bring Ben back. And she was right. But that wasn’t why I needed to do this. Sawyer was the first person to understand. Another wall fell. My heart was becoming more and more exposed. I felt equal

parts exhilarated and terrified. “Mr. Ridley. Miss West.” I flinched at the sound of our principal’s voice. “You two need to be getting to class.” We separated, my face flaming. “We are, Mr. Smith,” Sawyer said, placing his hand on my back. Mr. Smith nodded as we whirled around. “We’ll talk about this later, okay?” Sawyer whispered to me before we went our separate ways. “Okay.” I nodded, already feeling lighter from our conversation. It was like Sawyer had already taken some of the load off of my shoulders. I walked toward my class, a slight bounce in my step.

CHAPTER 20

Sawyer “Toss me another piece of pizza, son.” Dad held out his empty paper plate splattered with grease stains. I dipped my hand into the pizza box sitting on the coffee table and plopped a piece onto Dad’s plate. “Thanks.” He returned the plate to his lap and leaned back in the recliner. I took a large bite of pizza, hot cheese dribbling down my chin. After wiping it up with my napkin, I nestled into the couch and stared at the television. Mom would never allow us to eat in the family room while watching TV if she was home. But it was Monday night, and she was at book club. Mom had been in this club for several years. So one Monday night a month Dad and I had the place to ourselves. We always ordered pizza and watched ESPN until Mom came home. “How are things with Addison?” Dad asked, taking a long pull of his beer bottle. My parents hadn’t met Addie yet, but I’d told them about her. “Good.” Hoping he’d let it drop, I reached for the two liter of soda and chugged it. Dad shook his head, but didn’t reprimand me. It’s not like anyone else was going to drink it anyway. Mom and Dad didn’t drink soda. Dad was too busy getting all his calories through beer, and Mom was a complete health nut. If it wasn’t organic, she wanted no part in it. “Seems like things are getting pretty serious,” he pressed. I swallowed hard. It’s not that I didn’t like talking to Dad. But I wasn’t really sure what to say. Addie and my relationship seemed to be going well right now, but I’d learned not to trust it. With Addie, anything could set her off. She was like a stray cat – all skittish, ready to pounce away at a moment’s notice. “I don’t know,” I finally said. “Uh oh. Is there trouble in paradise?” It was a phrase Dad used a lot, and it elicited a tiny chuckle from me. I shrugged. “No, things are pretty cool with us right now.” Setting the two liter on the coffee table,

I lifted my hand to scratch my chin. “But that could change.” “How so?” Dad’s thick eyebrows furrowed. His fingers played with the edge of his plate. “Addie’s going through a lot right now with losing her brother and her dad takin’ off. She has a hard time trusting anyone.” “Including you?” “I think she trusts me more than anyone,” I said honestly. “Well, that’s good.” Dad nodded encouragingly. I breathed in deeply, not answering him. Detecting my hesitation, Dad leaned forward. “It is good, isn’t it?” “Yeah.” I bobbed my head up and down. “I think so.” I paused, thinking. “It’s just that sometimes with Addie I feel like I’m skating on thin ice, and I never know when I’ll hit a crack and fall right in.” “She keeps you on your toes, huh, son?” Dad threw me a wink before biting into his pizza. Sauce coated his lips, and he swiftly wiped it away. I chuckled. “I guess you could say that.” “Your mom was like that. The keepers always are.” A grin swept across my face. Addie was a keeper. I was sure of that. I only hoped she wanted to be kept. “You really like her, huh?” Dad asked after swallowing down his recent bite. “Yeah. And I know she likes me too. But she’s carrying all this baggage, you know? And I wish I could lighten the load,” I said. “Have you told her that?” “Lots of times.” “And has she told you how you can help her?” I smiled, remembering how she said I could keep touching and kissing her, but I wasn’t going to share that with Dad. “There are a lot of unanswered questions surrounding her brother’s suicide. I feel like if she got those answers it would help her gain some closure.” “Do you feel like you’ve gotten closure with what happened with Ryan?” The question surprised

me, and it took a moment to recover. Clearing my throat, I fingered a loose thread on the couch. Cheering and loud noise erupted from the TV, but suddenly I wasn’t so interested in the game. “You sound like Mom,” I joked. Dad laughed lightly, but didn’t change the subject. He continued to stare at me expectantly. I guess that meant I wasn’t getting out of this conversation. “I think so. I mean, unlike Addison, I know why Preston did what he did.” “Does it help?” Dad asked. “To know why he did it?” “A little. It doesn’t stop the nightmares though,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. Then I backtracked. “Please don’t tell Mom I said that. I told her they’d stopped. I didn’t want to worry her.” “I won’t say anything.” The corner of Dad’s eyes crinkled in concern. “But I do wish it had been true. Do you think you need to see a therapist or something?” “No.” I shook my head. “They are getting better. I think I need to give it time.” “But you think Addison needs more than time?” “Yeah, I do. It’s more personal for her. I lost my friend. She lost her brother.” Dad wore a pensive look as he tented his fingers. “Then you should help her find answers.” “I tried. I found her Dad for her, but she wasn’t ready to talk to him. I’m not sure what else I can do.” “I’m sure you’ll figure it out, son. You’re resourceful.” He sat up, resting his back on his chair. “Now let’s talk about your plans for after graduation.” I groaned. “Can’t we just watch sports?” Dad laughed. “Okay, I guess we’ve had enough serious talk for one night.” When Dad returned his attention to the TV, I blew out a sigh of relief. Assisting Addie was one thing. I could do that. Trying to figure out my future was quite another. Right now, that seemed nearly impossible.

CHAPTER 21

Addison She was crying. But that was nothing new. It was where she was crying that drew my attention. Slipping out of my room, I scrambled across the hall and peeked my head into Ben’s room. Mom sat in the middle of the room, many of Ben’s things strewn around her. An open box sat near her right knee. In her hand she held his football jersey as tears poured down her face. A memory flashed in my mind of the first time I saw Ben in his Tigers jersey. He’d been so proud of making the team. The night he made it we all went out to dinner to celebrate. Tears pricked at my eyes, but I blinked them back. After clearing my throat, I stepped into the room. It felt weird to be in here. Like I was trespassing. When Ben was alive, I had to knock first. If I came barging in here, he’d get angry, demand that I knock. Sometimes I’d tease him about it. Other times I did what he said. It depended on his mood. But he wasn’t here to tell me to knock anymore, so I walked right in. It still smelled like him to me. The faint scent of the cologne he sometimes wore lingered in the air, and it was mixed with BO and dirty socks. Mom used to berate him endlessly about the stench in here. But he was never good at putting his dirty clothes in the wash. It wasn’t uncommon for him to wear the same thing multiple times because he forgot to wash it. Used to drive me nuts. Now I think it wouldn’t be so bad. At least he’d still be here. “Mom?” I spoke softly, coming up behind her. She sniffled, and her head bounced up in my direction. Her knuckles were white from how desperate she held onto the jersey. As if she was caught doing something she shouldn’t, she released the shirt, and it fluttered to the ground. It landed on the carpet, our last name staring up at me in block letters. “You okay?” I asked, although it was sort of a rhetorical question at this point. Surely she wasn’t okay. She shook her head, frantically swiping at her wet cheeks. “I can’t do this. I can’t box up his things. Whoever buys this house is going to have to do it themselves.”

I would’ve laughed at the irrationality of her statement, except that I was pretty sure she was serious. Mom had put our house on the market last week, and already we’d had people interested. That was why Mom was already packing. It was only a matter of time before we’d have to be out of here. But we couldn’t expect the new homeowners to clean up Ben’s room. Besides, Mom would have regretted it if we got rid of all his stuff. She may not have been ready to go through everything just yet, but it didn’t mean she never would be. “Mom, you can’t leave Ben’s room for someone else to deal with,” I blurted out what I’d been thinking. “I know you’re angry with me, but I can’t deal with that right now,” Mom snapped. Her words made me feel like crap. “I’m not really angry with you. I’m sort of angry at everything right now.” “Well, you sure direct a lot of that anger towards me. It’s like you blame me for all of it.” Her lips trembled. I remembered Dad’s words to her, and I wondered if maybe she’d been harboring guilt all this time. Perhaps she did believe this was her fault. “Mom, I don’t blame you. I blame Ben. He did this. I know that.” I paused, knowing it was time to be open with Mom. I’d been shutting her out for too long. Lowering myself to the ground, I sat beside her. Ben’s jersey rubbed against the bottoms of my bare feet. “If I’ve been rude to you at all, I’m sorry. I haven’t been coping well with this. I miss Ben, and I’m angry with him for leaving.” Emotion rose inside of me, and I swallowed it down. “And I’m angry with Dad for taking off. And I guess deep down I’ve been mad at you for selling the house, and for not telling me where Dad was, or even that you’d been in contact with him.” Biting my lip, I played with my hands in my lap. “I feel like I lost everything in the span of one week, and I haven’t known who to trust or who to talk to about it.” “But I’ve always been here.” Mom’s hand covered mine. “You know you can talk to me about anything.” I shook my head. “But look at you, Mom. You’re grieving too. How can I expect you to shoulder my grief as well?” “Oh, honey.” Mom scooted closer to me, touching my face with her free hand. “I’m your mom. It’s

my job to shoulder your problems. It’s my job to shield you and protect you and help you. And that’s what I want to do.” I thought about how Sawyer had said the same thing to me, and it made me sad. Sad for Mom that she didn’t have Dad here to help her. This was the time that she needed support the most, and he took off. Anger towards him resurfaced. But then it was replaced with anger for myself. With Dad gone, I should’ve been more sensitive towards Mom. I shouldn’t have pushed her away so much. Didn’t I do exactly what Dad had done? I wasn’t any better than him. I glanced around Ben’s room. “I’ll do it,” I said suddenly, knowing how I could make it up to her. “You’ll do what?” Mom appeared perplexed. “I’ll box up Ben’s room.” “Honey, are you sure?” “Positive.” I forced a brave smile. Mom hesitated, searching my face. I held the look. “Ookay,” she drug out the word, furrowing her brows. “But if it gets too hard, let me know.” I nodded. “Sure thing.” Mom stood, shuddering. “I gotta get outta here.” Then she slipped out of the room, leaving me alone with Ben’s things. Taking a deep breath, I snatched up the jersey. It was silky between my fingers. Images flew through my mind of Ben wearing it out on the field. Abandoning the memories, I folded it and dropped it into the box. Leaning forward, I picked up a baseball trophy. Ben’s name was etched in gold. When my gaze connected with the years engraved on it, I did the math and surmised he must have been around nine when he received it. My stomach clenched as I pictured nine year old Ben, all smiles and giggles and smart-ass remarks. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply as the memories threatened to overtake me. My pocket vibrated, and I quickly tossed the trophy in the box. Glancing down, I wiped the moisture out of my eyes and yanked my phone out. Sawyer: What are you doing? Me: Boxing up Ben’s stuff.

My fingers paused over the screen. I wanted to appear brave. I wanted him to be proud of me. But more than any of that, I wanted to be real with him. And I wanted him here. Me: I need you. I’d barely pressed send when the response came. Sawyer: On my way. I smiled at his words. No hesitation. No promise to show up later. No platitudes or kind words. Just a simple ‘on my way.’ And it meant more to me than anything else he could have said. True to his text, Sawyer showed up almost immediately. I wondered how fast he must have driven to get here so fast. But I was beyond grateful. The minute he stepped into the room, I stood and launched myself into his arms. He held me tightly, kissed the top of my head. “You came,” I breathed. “I told you I would.” My hair fell in my face as I peered up at him. He brushed it out of my eyes. “Thank you.” “Hey, I told you I’d help you any way I can, and I meant it.” Lowering his head, his lips brushed softly over mine. Once, twice. Each time he’d draw back as if teasing me. I pushed up on my tip toes arching my back. He smiled. “Someone’s eager.” “Shut up.” Grabbing him by the back of the neck, I firmly drew his head toward mine. As our lips were about to connect, I only lightly touched my lips to his and then pulled away. A grunt sounded at the back of his throat and his head moved forward. I didn’t allow his mouth to find mine. Not yet. His eyes opened, and I cocked an eyebrow. “Not so fun, is it?” “Actually, it’s kinda hot.” He winked. “I’d let you tease me any day, Addie.” I loved when he said my name, like I was someone special. Someone to be cherished. And now I wasn’t interested in teasing him or playing games. Bringing his face to mine, I kissed him firmly. I kissed him with purpose. My tongue eased his lips open and tangled with his, while my fingers played with the bottom of his hair. His hands slid up my back and cradled my head as the kiss deepened, as he kissed me with all that he had. When we separated, I had to breathe deeply to slow down my racing heart. I blinked, the room

coming back into focus, the reminder of where we stood harshly staring me in the face. I marveled at how Sawyer’s presence had caused me to forget where I was. How he had the ability to erase everything. With Sawyer I had tunnel vision. I only saw him. Honestly, it was nice. It was like he was my escape. Like he had become my new poetry. I wanted to lose myself in him again, but I knew I had to do what I’d told my mom I would. She was counting on me to get this room packed up, so I needed to do it. “You okay?” Sawyer touched a strand of my hair, his eyes crinkling in concern. “I am now that you’re here,” I said, and he smiled in response. “I told Mom I’d pack up Ben’s room for her. She couldn’t do it.” “Can you?” “Not by myself.” Sawyer spread out his arms. “Well, here I am at your service. Just tell me what to do.” “Okay.” I glanced down at the box I’d started filling. “This box needs to continue being filled. It looks like it’s Ben’s sports stuff. I’d love for you to finish up that one. It’s tough for me to go through that stuff.” “Of course.” Sawyer’s hand fell on my arm, gently caressing the bare skin. “I’ll go grab a couple more boxes and start on his clothes.” Sawyer stopped me before I could leave the room. “I can do it all if it’s too hard for you.” I almost took him up on his offer, but instead I shook my head. A part of me wanted to go through Ben’s things. I wasn’t sure why. Perhaps I felt it would give me closure. Or maybe I wanted to feel close to him again. No matter the reason, I knew I had to do this.

CHAPTER 22

Sawyer In Ben’s room Addie appeared even smaller than usual. Fragile almost. Like she could shatter into a million pieces at any minute. I was glad she told me to come over. It made my heart swell knowing that she trusted me with this. That she needed me and wasn’t afraid to tell me. And, really, I was more than happy to give her my support. It was kind of crazy, actually. Wasn’t it a couple of weeks ago that she was blocking me out all the time, using all her energy to push me away? After throwing another trophy into the box, I glanced over at Addison. She was hunched over a drawer in Ben’s dresser, shoving shirts inside a box. Her movements were manic and jerky, her eyes glazed over. It was obvious that this was killing her, and it broke my heart. Leaving the box I was filling, I stepped over to Addie. Without a word, I grabbed her gently by the shoulders and whirled her around. Her eyes locked with mine for only a moment before she collapsed into me. I folded my arms around her and held her tight. “You don’t have to do this.” I stroked her hair. The silky strands slipped through my fingers. “I know, but I want to.” Her voice was muffled into my chest. “I can’t explain it, but I feel like it’s something I have to do.” I nodded, understanding. If I’d learned anything over the last few months it was that grief was an individual thing. Sometimes the way we grieved didn’t make sense, not even to ourselves. There were things we had to do, things we had to face in order to move forward. Perhaps this was one of those things for Addie. And if it was, I would do everything in my power to help her see it through. “Okay.” I peered down at her. “As long as you promise me that if it gets too hard, you’ll let me take over.” She stared at me a minute, her forehead turning into a mess of squiggly lines. Pressing her lips together, she wore a pensive expression. I held my breath. What was she thinking? In my experience it was never good when she looked like this. The room was silent for a several seconds, but it felt like

forever. Finally she spoke. “How did I get so lucky?” It wasn’t what I was expecting her to say, and it caused a smile to creep across my face. I tugged her closer. “I think I’m the lucky one.” “No way. You have to put up with all my baggage and mood swings.” A small laugh leapt from her throat. “Trust me. I’m the lucky one.” “We both have baggage,” I said. “However, I like to think of it more as luggage.” “Luggage?” She cocked an eyebrow. I loved when she did that. It looked so dang sexy. “Yeah, because baggage has this negative connotation, but luggage doesn’t. You take luggage on vacation, right? So luggage makes you think of sandy beaches, crystal clear water, and fruity drinks. It makes you think of plane rides and relaxation. While baggage makes you think of carrying something heavy and shouldering the weight of it all.” The skepticism on her face grew. “So you’re saying that my issues with my brother’s death and my dad leaving is like a vacation. Because I gotta be honest, the baggage analogy seems to fit more at this point.” I tightened my hold on her as her hands fluttered over my chest. “What do you bring with you on a vacation? You bring your belongings, right?” She nodded. It didn’t seem like my analogy was working, but I had to keep it going. I was determined to put a positive spin on all this. To make her see herself the way I see her. Everything was so negative with Addie – the way she viewed herself and her circumstance. And I didn’t want that for her. “Right now it may seem like the stuff we’re going through is baggage. But one day it will be part of our life experiences. It will have shaped us, but it won’t define us. It will be like the stuff we bring on vacation. Our clothes and shoes don’t define us. Our luggage isn’t who we are. It’s just something we carry with us. We can leave it at the hotel room and enjoy our vacation. It doesn’t take up all our time and energy. In fact, we hardly think about our luggage at all. Only a couple of times a day when we need something from it.” Addie nodded.

“And you can think of me as your own personal bellboy, because I’ll be happy to carry your luggage any time it gets too heavy or too much for you to shoulder,” I added. “I’m sure I’ll take you up on that.” “I hope you do.” I rubbed her back with my palms. “Do you really think it will ever be like that for us? Will there ever be a time when I don’t think about Ben every day? Or where you don’t relive Ryan’s death over and over?” I swallowed hard. The nightmares had died down a little, but it was hard for me to imagine the memory of that day fading away. “I like to think it will taper off with time.” “Me too.” She smiled. “I like your vacation analogy. I’m not sure how realistic it is, but I like it.” “Addie.” Removing my arms from her back, I slid them up her neck and cupped her face. She inhaled sharply as my thumbs ran across her bottom lip. Slowly bringing her face toward mine, I clamped my lips over hers. I kissed her slowly as if she was a tall glass of iced water and I wanted to savor every drop. I drank in her lips, sucking them into my mouth and then releasing them. They were smooth and supple, tasting like watermelon. Then I licked my tongue along the seam of her lips until she parted them. My tongue slid over hers, while our lips fused. Her hands curved around my shoulders as the kiss became more charged, more intense. My pulse quickened, my thoughts racing to things I shouldn’t be thinking about. Before doing something I’d regret, I drew back. I was here to comfort Addie, to help her, to be the man she needed. And I was pretty sure tossing her down on her dead brother’s bed and having my way with her wasn’t what she needed. My heart was pounding furiously as I dropped my hands from her face. She blinked as if coming out of a trance. I took a deep breath. “When I’m with you the memories don’t haunt me. You give me hope that I’ll get through this.” “You do the same for me,” she said so softly I had to strain to hear her. When my gaze traveled down to her lips, I cleared my throat. “We better get back to it, huh?” “Yeah, we better.” She flashed me a resigned smile. “Besides, if my mom walks in on us making out she’ll probably make you go home. Before this all happened my parents were pretty strict about me being alone with boys.” “Oh yeah?” I raised my brows. Addie and I hadn’t talked much about previous relationships.

“Were there a lot of boys you wanted to be alone with?” She giggled, her cheeks flushing. “No, not really.” She patted my cheek. “You have nothing to worry about, Sawyer. When I’m with you, I forget other boys even exist.” I loved hearing that, and I wanted to cling to those words like a lifeline. But it was the first part of that sentence that left me with one nagging question. “What about when we’re not together?” “Then I’m thinking about you.” It was the most she’d ever admitted about her feelings for me, and my heart stuttered in response. She kissed me lightly on the mouth. So lightly that only her top lip brushed mine It was more sensual, more exciting than when she fully kissed me, and it caused a low moan to sound at the back of my throat. “I used to think I liked other boys, but since I’ve met you I realized that I never really did. There’s only ever been you.” I knew what she was saying. The way she made me feel was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. No girl had elicited this kind of desire from me. And not just a physical desire. No, I desired our connection. What we had was deep. And no matter how long it lasted, I’d never regret it. Addie was someone I’d always carry in my heart whether we were together or not. And I’d hold her close for as long as I had her. When she returned to the dresser, I lowered down onto my knees in front of my box. It was almost full, so I snatched up the remaining trophies and ribbons. Ben had been one hell of a football player. I remembered seeing him play a few times. He was a legend when I first attended Gold Rush High. It was odd to think that he’d thrown away so much. I understood why Addie was so determined to find out answers. I had hardly known the guy, and I knew something wasn’t right. Usually when I heard of guys committing suicide they were seriously depressed, or being bullied like Preston, or had mental problems they were wrestling with. I mean, I was sure there were other reasons, but I hadn’t had personal experience with it. At the very least I would think there would have been signs, but according to Addie there hadn’t been. Everyone had been shocked. “Oh, my god.” My head bobbed up at Addie’s words. Her eyes were wide, her arm shaking. In her palm she held something, but it was too small to make it out.

“What’s wrong?” I stood up and made my way over to her. When I reached her she opened her palm, revealing a small baggie with one white rock nestled inside. My insides clenched. She shook her head. “My brother didn’t use drugs.” I couldn’t tell if she was trying to convince me or herself. “Maybe it wasn’t his,” I suggested, but then her gaze drifted back to the drawer she’d been going through. It had been emptied out and the bottom was covered in glass pipes, razors, mirrors, and a few more filled and empty baggies. My stomach dropped. What the hell had Ben gotten involved in? The look of disbelief was replaced by one of determination. “I’ve got to go talk to Kevin.” “Kevin?” “Ben’s best friend. If Ben was using, Kevin would know all about it.” She dropped the baggie into the drawer and shut it firmly, as if by doing so she could block out what she’d found. “Do you think this is a good idea?” An uneasy feeling descended into my gut. “I can trust Kevin. He’s like an older brother to me. I’ve known him since I was in diapers.” “I bet you were cute in diapers.” I nudged her in the side in an attempt to lighten the mood. It did. “I was a scrawny little thing.” “Still are,” I shot back. “Hey,” she said, but her lips curled a bit at the edges. “Scrawny, but sexy,” I amended. This seemed to appease her. She pecked me on the cheek. “You can keep packing up if you want. Kevin only lives a few blocks over. I’ll go talk to him and be right back.” “Whoa, not so fast,” I warned. “I’m going with you.” “You don’t have to.” “I know, but I want to.” “He may not say anything if you’re there. I feel like my only hope of getting answers is if I’m alone. He trusts me.” I got what she was saying, but there was no way I was letting her do this alone. She may have

trusted Kevin, but I’d never met the guy. Besides, if he was using drugs with Ben who knew what she was walking into. In my experience, calling guys out on their drug use never ended well. “At least let me drive you there.” She smiled. “I could get used to this.” “Get used to what?” “Being protected.” I wrapped my arms around her middle. “Addie, I’ll always protect you.” “I think I’d like that.”

CHAPTER 23

Addison When we left the house, Mom was asleep on the couch. At first I was puzzled by this. I assumed maybe all the emotions of the day had gotten the best of her. But when we stepped outside, darkness enveloped me, and I realized it was much later than I’d thought it was. Turning on my phone, I saw that it was a little after ten o’clock. Man, I’d been packing in Ben’s room for a long time. Then again, I wasn’t only packing. My cheeks warmed when I glanced over at Sawyer. He had been distracting me a bit. Before getting into the “Barney Mobile,” I hesitated for a moment. Should I really go barging over to Kevin’s house this late at night? What if he was sleeping? But then I thought of how late Ben always stayed up, and decided it was worth a try. As Sawyer drove, I thought about Ben’s behavior the few months prior to his death. He had been pretty moody. More so than usual. But I’d chalked it up to him getting older, becoming a man. And he and Dad had butted heads more than before, but I thought that was typical for a father/son relationship. Like a rite of passage or something. But now I wondered if it was more than that. I never would’ve thought Ben would be the type of guy to use drugs. Then again, I never thought he’d be the kind of guy that would kill himself either. I shuddered. “You cold?” Sawyer asked. “C’mere.” Keeping one hand on the wheel, he offered his free arm. Grateful, I nestled into him. It was cold tonight, but that wasn’t why I shivered. Still, his body felt good against mine. His hold on me gave me strength, and I desperately needed that right now. I had no idea what I was going to find out tonight, and that scared me. When we got to Kevin’s house his car was parked out front. I felt both relief and fear at this. “I can go in with you if you want,” Sawyer said, clearly sensing my trepidation. I forced a courageous smile. As much as I wanted Sawyer to come with me, I knew I’d never get the answers I needed if he did. “No, I’ll be fine.” “I’ll be right here if you need me.” He pulled me close and kissed my forehead. I nodded and then headed outside. A cool breeze swept over my skin, causing goosebumps to rise

on my flesh. Hugging myself, I rubbed my hands over my upper arms. As I walked toward the front door, I wondered if Kevin’s parents were home. I hoped they weren’t. Not that I wouldn’t mind seeing them. But tonight I was on a quest. Plus, Kevin probably wouldn’t say anything with his parents around. Any time we spoke since Ben’s death he’d been pretty tightlipped, saying he didn’t know anything at all about why Ben would do this. I took a deep breath when I reached the front door. Then I lifted my hand and rapped once, twice, a third time. It reminded me of all the times we’d pick Ben up here. Mom would always send me up to the door to collect Ben. I’d knock, and then Ben and Kevin would answer all sweaty and dirty. Then Ben would stall for as long as he could before coming home. Familiar sadness wrapped around me at the memory. The door popped open and Kevin stood in front of me. He looked like always with his short brown hair, dark brown eyes and muscular physique. He wore a t-shirt and jeans, his feet bare. His eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Addie, what are you doing here?” “I’m sorry to just show up like this, but I’ve been trying to reach you. I sent you a message on Facebook and Instagram, but you never responded.” “Sorry. I’m not really on social media anymore.” He shrugged. “Wanna come in?” “Yeah.” I nodded. As he moved back to let me enter, his gaze shot past me. “Who’s in the car?” “Oh, that’s Sawyer.” “Ridley?” He asked. “Is he your boyfriend?” I nodded. “Since Ben’s not around anymore, I feel like I need to take on the role of your honorary brother,” he said with a grin. “So, is Riddles treating you well?” I chuckled, rolling my eyes. “Yes, he treats me very well.” “Okay, just checking,” he said. “But then why is he sitting in the car?” Nervously, I scratched the back of my neck. “I sort of wanted to talk to you alone.” Something flashed in his eyes that I couldn’t quite place. Discomfort, trepidation, fear. “Oookay.”

He gave me a funny look and then closed the door behind us. The house was quiet and dark. It smelled faintly of potpourri. I shivered as he guided me into the family room. “Can I get you anything?” Suddenly he was acting all formal and stiff. “No. I’m fine.” I shook my head as I sat on the couch. He took a seat on the recliner facing me. The large, abstract painting on the wall caught my attention. I always liked Kevin’s house. It looked like something out of a magazine. His mom worked in interior design, so I guess it made sense. Returning my focus back to Kevin, I folded my hands in my lap and sat forward. Kevin shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Mom and I are moving,” I started. “Dad took off. Did you know that?” “No.” Pity flickered in his eyes, and I looked away. “But I’m sorry.” “It’s fine.” I waved away his words with a flick of my wrist. I didn’t come here for sympathy. I came here for answers. “So tonight I was packing up Ben’s things and I found something.” I could tell by his expression that he knew what was coming, but he did his best to mask it. “What kind of something?” “Drugs.” I let the word hover in the air, thick like a plume of smoke. Kevin didn’t even bat an eye. He stared at me dead on. “Drugs, huh?” I nodded. “Did you know he was using?” At first I thought he was going to say no, but then he slowly bobbed his head up and down. “Yes, I knew. I tried to get him to stop when I found out, but by then it was too late.” “You weren’t using with him?” I found this hard to believe. Ben and Kevin had been inseparable since grade school. They did everything together. “No.” “Who was he using with?” I tried to think of Ben’s other friends. I couldn’t picture any of them using drugs. Then again, Ben didn’t fit the profile either. “Some guys you don’t know.” A memory hit me, fast like a lightning bolt. One afternoon, I ran into Ben at a park near our house.

He was talking to a guy I’d never seen before. Curious, I approached them. Ben introduced the guy as Felix. Said he played football for another high school, and that’s how they’d met. But even at the time it seemed odd. Then again, Ben had never given me reason to distrust him, so I let it go. Now I wondered if I should have pressed Ben about the guy. “Did you know Felix?” I asked now. Kevin’s head whipped up as if he’d been slapped. “Who?” “Felix. I met him once with Ben,” I explained. “Was he one of the guys Ben was using with?” “I don’t know anything about that guy.” I could tell he was lying, but then he bent toward me, his face serious. “Look, Addie. Ben’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring him back. Snooping around isn’t smart.” My stomach twisted into knots. “What are you saying, Kevin? Was Ben in some kind of trouble?” “What I’m saying is that the guys that Ben was involved with weren’t selling candy. They were selling drugs. They aren’t the kind of people you need to be sniffing around.” “I’m not sniffing around anything,” I said defensively. “I’m just looking for answers. I’m trying to understand why my brother, who was talented, and smart, and had a bright future, would kill himself without any warning.” My voice was rising, my emotions getting the better of me. Kevin stood and sat beside me. “I know this is hard. It’s hard for me too. And I miss him just like you do. But digging into his past isn’t going to make this better. I mean, do you feel better now that you know he was using drugs?” “No,” I said sullenly. “Then let this go. Focus on remembering the good things about Ben. That’s what I do.” “I want to. I really do. But I feel like I have no closure. I mean, maybe if he left a note or something, but he didn’t.” Kevin’s hand landed on my shoulder. “It’s time to let him go.” I opened my mouth to speak when a knock on the door startled me. A look of sheer panic crossed Kevin’s face. What was that about? “Stay here,” he commanded, as he slid off the couch.

Holding my breath, I stayed completely still as he answered the door. “Where’s Addie?” Sawyer’s voice crashed into the room. When I turned around, Sawyer was racing inside, his gaze darting around frantically. “I’m right here.” I hopped off the couch so he could see me. He hurried to me, pulling me into his arms. An audible sigh escaped from his mouth. “You were in here for so long. I got worried.” “We were just talking,” I said softly to him. Kevin watched on, a dumbfounded expression on his face. “What’s going on, man? The way you came tearing in here it’s like you thought I would attack her or something.” He said it in a joking way, but I could tell he was irritated. Then his lips curved up into a smile. “Oh, I get it. She told you about the crush she used to have on me, huh?” My cheeks heated up. “Shut up. That was when I was like five. I’ve been over that for years.” “Still, it got your boyfriend here worried.” Kevin chuckled, and I was grateful for the jovial shift in the mood. “All right.” I stepped away from Sawyer toward Kevin. “We should get going. Thanks for talking to me.” I gave him a quick hug and then made my way toward the door. Before we could reach it, Kevin stopped Sawyer. “Promise me you’ll keep her out of this. It’s not safe for her to keep digging around.” It was the same thing he’d said to me, and my chest tightened. Why did he keep saying that? I wanted to press him further, to find out what he was hiding, but Sawyer thanked him and then ushered me outside. Clearly, he was taking Kevin’s advice seriously. The entire drive back to my house he made me promise to do what Kevin said and stay out of this. To appease him, I said I would. But deep down I wasn’t sure it was possible. It was obvious that there was more to my brother’s death than what I knew. And I was still determined to figure out what it was.



CHAPTER 24

Sawyer I hated leaving Addie. If I had my way I’d stay with her all night. I’d hold her close while she slept. Hell, I’d enter her dreams and slay all her dragons. The truth is, I would’ve done anything for that girl. And it killed me to drop her off and leave her alone after everything she’d discovered tonight. It had all been dumped on her so quickly, and it was too much to take in. But I couldn’t stay the night. Her mom would never allow it. Neither would my parents, actually. In fact, Dad had been texting me all night to check up on me. I was sure he was picturing Addie and I tangled up in her bed. If only. That would certainly be more fun than what we’d been doing. Shaking my head, I cleared out those thoughts. I felt like an ass for even thinking that. Addie was going through one of the worst things in her life, and that’s what I needed to focus on. I knew Kevin was lying. Nothing about his story made sense. If he and Ben were as close as Addison claimed they were, then he had to have been using drugs with him. According to Addie, they’d still been hanging out up until Ben died. Then again, I thought about Holden and Ryan. How much they butted heads when Holden started dating Chloe. They still remained friends even though they didn’t see eye to eye. So I guess it was possible that Kevin was telling the truth. Honestly, I think it was his words to me that bothered me the most. Promise me you’ll keep her out of this. It’s not safe for her to keep digging around. Those weren’t the words of someone who knew nothing. As I slowed to a stop at the stop sign, I blinked. Where the hell was I? God, I’d been so lost in my thoughts I didn’t even pay attention to where I was driving. Swiveling my head, I read the street sign. Then I sighed. I hadn’t gone much out of my way. Only took one wrong turn. Flicking on my blinker, I turned to the right and drove down the darkened street. The cemetery came up on my left, and I wondered if that was where my subconscious was leading me to. As I passed it, I remembered all the nights I snuck off to visit Ryan’s grave. Maybe that was why my car lead me here. Because it knew the way.

A dark figure caught my attention as I was about to turn the corner. He looked familiar to me. Slowing my car, I squinted. Luckily there was no one else driving down this road, so I could slow as much as I wanted. My breath hitched in my throat when I realized it was Addison’s dad. I knew why he was there. Visiting his son, most likely. I knew I should have given him his privacy, but I couldn’t shake the image of Addison’s shocked face tonight, and the sad look that passed over her features whenever her dad was mentioned. The guy had a lot of explaining to do. It was a father’s job to protect his daughter; to keep her from harm. The last person I should be protecting Addie from was her dad. And yet, that’s what I was doing. Addie may not have been strong enough to talk to this man, but I sure as hell was. Someone had to fight for her. And that someone was me. After pulling my car over to the curb, I shut off the engine and hopped out of the car. I shoved my keys into my pocket and then hurried down the sidewalk until I reached the entrance to the cemetery. Quietly shoving open the wrought iron gate, I stepped inside. My shoes crunched on brittle grass and leaves as I walked. When I got closer to Addie’s dad, I heard him talking. Holding my breath, I pressed my back to a nearby tree. I would approach him after he finished his visit with Ben. It was only right. I may have been here on a mission, but my mom had taught me manners, and I would use them. “I’m so sorry, son.” His words were choppy, like he was crying. My insides twisted. It was rare to hear a grown man cry, and it got me all tangled up inside. “It’s all my fault. I don’t know how to get past this. I don’t know how to forgive myself,” he continued, his words becoming more and more garbled. This was more than a father broken up over his son’s death. My suspicion was right. He did know something. “I mean, how do I forgive myself for killing my own son?” My heart stopped. I froze. What did he say? When I heard his footsteps nearing me, I ducked down, hiding myself. No way was I talking to him now. Not after that confession. Who knew what the guy

was capable of? Especially once he realized that I’d heard what he said. I stayed hidden behind the tree until he was out of sight. Then I carefully stood up, wiping cold sweat from my brow. My pulse raced and my body shook. I needed to tell someone what I’d heard. But who? Would the police even believe me? Probably not. It was only hearsay. It’s not like I got it on tape. Besides, Addie would kill me if I went behind her back and turned her dad in. Addie. My stomach lurched at the thought of her. What would this do to her when she found out? She was already so broken up over the fact that her brother committed suicide. What would happen if what her dad said was true? Wouldn’t that be worse? As I mulled over what to do, the phone in my pocket went off. With quivering fingers, I pulled it out. When I read the text, my body went numb, all color draining from my face. Shit. Addie was in trouble. I had to get to her right away.

CHAPTER 25

Addison After Sawyer dropped me off I planned to go straight to my room and hit the sack. Lord knows I was exhausted. My limbs ached, my eyelids desperately wanted to close. But I couldn’t. Not yet. I was amped up from everything I’d learned tonight. And I was sure there were more clues in Ben’s room. Maybe even some answers were hidden inside. There was no way I could fall asleep with that knowledge. So I slipped into Ben’s room and continued packing. I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone. I’d get his room packed and do some snooping. For the first half an hour I found nothing. I mean, I found stuff, but nothing exciting. Just his clothes and football posters, a couple of yearbooks. But when I thumbed through them they revealed nothing I didn’t already know. Ben was popular, Ben was a jock, Ben was liked. Old news. I was about ready to give up when I found a box of pictures. At first nothing was out of the ordinary. There were pictures from all the homecoming dances Ben attended. He looked so handsome in his tux, his hair slicked down. Then there were a few from when he played football, a couple from summer camps. I kept thumbing through them until I found one of him and Kevin that grabbed my attention. It had been taken within the last year. Not that it was dated. I could tell by the way Ben styled his hair. And I could tell because he was smoking out of a glass pipe. But that wasn’t what surprised me. I’d already figured out my brother used drugs. What was shocking was that Kevin was smoking with him. Hadn’t Kevin told me he didn’t use with Ben? Why would he lie to me about that? When I flipped the picture over, there was writing on the back. It read: “Candyman,” and then it looked like there had been a phone number, but it had since been smudged. Candyman? What did that mean? What I’m saying is that the guys that Ben was involved with weren’t selling candy. Was he trying to tell me something? Dropping the picture back into the box, I hoisted myself up.

Kevin knew something. I had to go over to his house and demand answers. And this time I wasn’t leaving until I got them. There were two cars parked in front of Kevin’s house when I pulled up. One was Kevin’s, but I didn’t recognize the other one. I pulled in behind the mystery car, but after turning off the engine, I hesitated. What if he had a friend over? Or worse, what if he had a girl in there? I didn’t want to interrupt. And he had already told me to stay out of this. But I couldn’t. This was important. I had to know the truth. And I was convinced that Kevin knew more than he was saying. Determined, I snatched my purse off the seat and stepped out of the car. Flinging it over my shoulder, I stalked toward the front door. As I got closer to the house, I heard hollering coming from inside – loud, angry, male voices. My chest tightened. Tentatively I took a few more steps forward. When I reached the front door, the voices got louder and more intense. There was a crash, like something being broken, and I flinched. Shit. I had to get out of here. The front door swung open, and acting on instinct I leapt into the bushes lining the house. My heart clattered loudly in my chest, and I silently prayed that no one saw me. “Consider that a warning!” A man spoke firmly. “I told you that I don’t have the money,” Kevin responded. He sounded funny, almost like his mouth was swollen or something. I peered through the leaves at three figures standing on the lawn. It was hard to make them out, but Kevin was easy to spot. He was the one with blood dripping from his lip and nose. I cringed. What the hell was going on? “Well, you better come up with it,” A man got right in his face, and my breath hitched in my throat. I knew that guy. Or at least I had met him once. It was Felix, the guy I asked Kevin about. “Or the next time I won’t be quite as forgiving.” This was forgiving? My stomach clenched. The other guy reminded me of one of those bad guys in a movie, with his large frame, steely eyes, crooked teeth, scars on his face, and tats lining his arms. With quivering fingers, I reached into my purse

and snatched out my cell phone. My elbow caught on one of the branches, and it rustled. Movie Guy glanced in my direction, and I froze. Holding my breath I prayed he didn’t hear me. “I’ll be back in a couple of days,” Felix said to Kevin. “And when I do, you better have the money.” “It’s not even my debt,” Kevin argued back. I shook my head, wishing Kevin would shut up. It was obvious that arguing wasn’t the way to go with this crowd. Felix’s face turned red. Movie Guy stood at attention, ready to pounce if Felix said so. Biting my lip, I lowered my head. Staring down at my cell phone, I quickly shot a text off to Sawyer. Me: I’m at Kevin’s. Something bad is happening over here. Felix poked Kevin in the chest. “It is now.” I blew out a sigh of relief when Kevin nodded. “Glad we’ve finally reached an agreement,” Felix said. He snapped his fingers toward Movie Guy and then spun around. My shoulders relaxed a little. In my hand my phone vibrated. I glanced down at it. Sawyer: R u ok? Then before I could respond it vibrated again. Sawyer: I’m on my way. I typed back swiftly. Me: No. I’m fine. I’ll call u in a minute. “Whose car is that?” Felix’s words caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand on end. My head swiveled to Kevin. Recognition colored his face, but I knew he wouldn’t rat me out. I’d known Kevin for years. He was like an older brother to me. “I don’t know.” Kevin shook his head. “Liar.” Felix stormed over to him, shoving him in the chest. “You think I’m stupid or something. Did you call the cops?” “No,” Kevin said vehemently. “Then who did you call?”

“No one,” Kevin responded, fear etching his face. I held my breath. Bile rose in my throat. This was so not good. “You betrayed me. You called someone. Where are they?” My body shook, but I ducked further under the bushes, praying he wouldn’t tell him about me. “There’s no one here. I swear.” Kevin threw up his arms. “That car wasn’t here when I got here.” “Maybe it’s the neighbor’s,” Kevin said, but even I could tell he was lying. “You think I’m stupid, don’t you? I don’t know what you’re up to, but no one messes with me and gets away with it,” Felix spoke so softly I could barely hear him. But his words caused a chill to run up my spine. It was scarier than when he was yelling. There was a finality in his words now. He snapped his fingers and called Movie Guy over. I squeezed my eyes shut when Movie Guy grabbed Kevin. Grunting and punching filled my ears. My pulse quickened, my stomach rolled. Peeking out of one eye, I saw Kevin getting the crap beat out of him. Movie Guy held him down while Felix used him as a punching bag. His body sagged while he took hit after hit. Oh, my god. They were going to kill him. I was sure of it. I glanced around the quiet darkened street and wondered where everyone was. Why wasn’t anyone coming out of their house to see what was up? When my gaze scoured the street, I saw that most of the homes were dark, shutters drawn. I guess it was pretty late. It made me wonder where Kevin’s parents were. Then I remembered how often they were gone when we were younger. That was why Ben liked hanging out here so much. Damn it, I couldn’t stay hidden in here and let them kill him. I knew it was stupid, but I had to do something. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t. Leaping up, I bounded across the grass. “Stop it! Stop it!” I screamed. Felix’s hand drew back. His knuckles were caked in sticky, dark blood. “Addison, get outta here,” Kevin spoke, the words coming out ragged and choppy. “Addison, huh?” A sick smile spread across Felix’s face. “That’s right. We met before. You’re

Ben’s sister.” I sucked in a breath, my skin crawling. “Well, Kevin, it’s your lucky day.” Felix nodded to Movie Guy. “You can release him.” Movie Guy dropped Kevin in the grass. I winced at all the blood, at his face, which was swelling by the minute. I needed to call an ambulance. My cell was nestled in my palm, but I was afraid to use it. I stood in the middle of the lawn trying to come up with a way of escape. My gaze landed on my car. I needed to reach it. “Looks like someone else can pay off Ben’s debt.” Before I could register Felix’s words, Movie Guy’s arms clamped around my middle. I screamed, but he stifled it with a meaty hand. I kicked and flailed, causing my phone to fall to the ground. I yelped, staring down helplessly at it. Felix opened his black coat, revealing a gun tucked into the top of his pants. “You’re coming with us no matter what, Addison,” he spoke in a calm, calculated tone. “It can either be difficult or easy. The choice is yours.” Fear choked me. I wanted to keep fighting, but I knew it was futile. If Kevin couldn’t fight them, then neither could I. My body went limp in his arms as he carried me toward the awaiting car. Once inside, I knew there was no getting out. I was starting to rethink my earlier strategy. Maybe I should have fought harder, screamed louder. Something. A few months ago I’d seen an article on my Facebook page with tips on what to do if you’re attacked. The main one was to never let them take you anywhere. Never get in the car. It sounded good in theory, but when faced with reality, it was much more difficult. Movie Guy released his hand from my mouth as Felix started up the car. I gulped in some air quickly when fabric rubbed against my lips. Dear god, I was being gagged. I bit down on the material as my eyes were covered. “Sorry. Can’t take any chances,” Movie Guy spoke in a gruff voice. As if I was going to try anything. I was locked in a car with two guys more than twice my size. And I didn’t have my phone. An image of Kevin being pummeled repeatedly filled my mind. I wondered if he was okay. Hope

sparked at the thought of him. Perhaps he knew where they were taking me. Maybe he’d even call for help. And I had texted Sawyer that I was at Kevin’s house. As the car sped forward, I silently prayed that one of them would come to my rescue. I couldn’t tell how long we drove. It seemed like hours, but I knew it wasn’t. Internally, I cursed myself for going to Kevin’s tonight. I should have stayed home where I was safe. My mind drifted back to my house, to Sawyer, to anywhere but here. Then I forced myself to focus. Daydreaming wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I had to come up with a plan. I’d already messed this up enough. When the car stopped, I inhaled sharply. My fists bunched at my sides. Now was my chance. Once I got out of this car I planned to make a run for it. The door to my right popped open. Meaty hands grappled at my arms and shoulders, guiding me outside. I waited for him to release my arms so I could take off my blindfold and run away. Only he never released me. In fact, he hoisted me into his arms and carried me like I was a rag doll. No way in hell was I going to let him take me anywhere else. Now I would do what I should have done while we were at Kevin’s. With all my strength I flailed and kicked. My fist and toes connected with muscles and bone, but he didn’t let me go. He held me tighter. A low chuckle rumbled through his chest. Was he laughing at me? Angry, I hit him harder. A door opened, and fear crept up into my throat. I felt like I might puke as he stepped forward. The door slammed closed, and I was tossed onto something spongy. A mattress? No, a couch maybe. Reaching up, I tore off my blindfold and the handkerchief around my mouth. Now they hung around my neck. I was sitting on a dingy couch in a small room. Curtains were pulled tight over the windows. In front of me was a coffee table. An ashtray, a bong, and several empty beer cans sat on top. Felix stood in front of me, arms crossed over his chest. “Rover,” he called out to Movie Guy, and I thought to myself that maybe he should go with my nickname. Movie Guy actually sounded more intimidating than Rover. All I could think about now was that childhood game – Red Rover, Red Rover, send Addie right over. “I’m good. You can go.” Rover slipped outside. Felix locked the door behind him and then walked toward me. I glanced around looking for another way out, but there wasn’t one. “You’re Candyman?” I asked, putting two and

two together. Besides, I figured it was in my best interest to keep him talking. If Sawyer or Kevin were looking for me, it was best to stall him. Not that I had any idea what he planned to do with me, but judging by what I saw at Kevin’s, I was assuming it wasn’t good. “The one and only.” A sick smile spread across Candyman’s face. He didn’t look like what I imagined a drug dealer looking like. In fact, when I’d met him with Ben, I’d assumed he was one of his friends. He could’ve easily been a football player. He was well built, his dark hair shorn close to his head. Even his clothes weren’t a giveaway. They were normal – jeans, a t-shirt. Sure, he had tattoos trailing his arms and a small scar above his right eye, but tats were in now, and the scar could have been a sports injury. Nothing about this guy screamed drug dealer to me. “But I thought your name was Felix,” I muttered. “Ben never should have told you my name. That was always his problem. He didn’t think before he acted.” His words angered me. It was like he was rubbing what Ben did in my face. Yes, my brother was impulsive, but it wasn’t something to joke about. Not now. Not after what he did. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said. My stomach rolled as he moved closer to me. He lowered himself onto the couch next to me, and sat so close I could feel his breath on my face. I backed up, my spine ramming into the side of the couch. “I’ve been trying to get Kevin to pay off your brother’s debt, but now you can. It seems more fitting anyway.” “H-his debt?” Candyman lifted his arm, his fingertip touching my chin. I flinched, shuddered. “He owed me a lot of money before he died. And, as I explained to him when he was alive, there are many ways to pay up. Not all of them are monetary.” His grin grew larger, and my insides churned. What the hell was he talking about? His gaze lowered to my chest. On instinct, I hugged myself. But he grabbed my wrists, peeling my arms from my body. “Don’t hide the goods, princess.” He couldn’t be serious. I hopped off the couch and stepped away from him. Glancing over at the front door, I saw the shadow of Rover in the curtains of the front window. Shit. He was standing guard.

I’d never get out of here. “I’m not paying off my brother’s debt. I didn’t even know about it.” “It doesn’t matter to me whether you knew or not. You’re here. Your brother owes me money.” He shrugged, standing. “It’s a simple solution.” His hands closed around my arms, and he yanked me to him so forcefully I bit down on my lip. A small yelp escaped, but I closed my mouth swiftly. If I had any hope of surviving this, I couldn’t let him see me afraid. I had to be strong. “Maybe if he had brought you to me sooner, he’d still be alive.” I glared. “Did you kill him?” He cackled. “No, I didn’t kill him. He offed himself, the coward.” His lips neared my ear. “But I would’ve killed him.” A chill ran up my spine. Hot breath puffed against my skin. I writhed in his grip. “Just so you know, the more you fight, the more turned on I get.” Bile rose in my throat. “So go for it. Kick and scream. I’ll enjoy every minute of it.” His tongue darted out of his mouth, and swept over my ear. I suppressed a scream. But when the bottom of my shirt lifted and his hands touched my bare stomach, I couldn’t take it anymore. No way was I letting this happen. The scream left my mouth and I shoved him back. “Yeah, baby.” He growled. “I like that fire.” Then he pounced, wrapping his arms around my middle and drawing me to him. His mouth clamped over mine, but I bit down hard until my teeth pierced his bottom lip. The metal taste of blood filled my mouth. “Fiesty. I love it.” I couldn’t win with this guy. As his hands raked up my spine, I felt some of the fight withering inside of me. He had a guard outside of the door, he liked when I fought back, and he was clearly stronger than me. How was I going to get myself out of this situation? When his mouth moved down to my neck and his fingers fumbled with the button of my jeans, the reality of the situation crashed into me. He was going to rape me to collect on my brother’s debt. The one my brother possibly killed himself to get out of.

CHAPTER 26

Sawyer Cursing myself repeatedly, I drove as fast as I could to Kevin’s house. I never should’ve left her alone tonight. When I dropped her off I could feel that nagging in my gut, and deep down I knew something was going to happen. But what possessed her to return to Kevin’s? And why hadn’t she called me before going over there? As I careened through the quiet suburban streets, I prayed she was okay. Glancing down at my phone, I saw that she still wasn’t returning my texts. My palms filled with moisture, my mouth went dry. I saw Addie’s car parked along the curb when I pulled onto Kevin’s street. It gave me momentary hope. But when I drove up in front of the house, she was nowhere in sight. Lights were on inside, so I headed toward the front door. Something bad is happening. The words from Addie’s text flew through my mind. I felt like I was that guy in the movie. The one who walked right into danger like an idiot. But I didn’t care. I’d do anything, risk anything to help Addie. I’d almost reached the door when I noticed something in the grass. Was it a person? I moved forward as the heap moaned and stirred. “Kevin?” I bent over him. When he rolled in my direction, I winced. Dear god, someone had beat the living shit out of him. He was holding his middle, horrific sounds coming out of his mouth. Blood covered his face. He needed medical attention now. But first I needed answers. It’s not that I wasn’t sympathetic. I was. But at that point I didn’t know if Kevin was on Addie’s side or not. Hell, I didn’t even know where Addie was. “Kevin?” I waved my hand in front of his face. “Kevin? Can you hear me?” He nodded, but barely. Then he cringed as if the motion caused him pain. “Where is Addie?” “They…took…her.” It was clear that he was struggling here. I felt bad for the guy, but I needed more information. Especially now that I knew someone had taken Addie. I sure as hell hoped it wasn’t the

same guys that did this to Kevin. “Who took her?” “Candyman,” he said. “What?” Who was Candyman? Kevin grunted. “Where did they take her, Kevin?” When he didn’t respond, I pulled out my phone. “Tell me where she is and I’ll call you an ambulance.” It was a dirty move, but I was running out of patience. I had no idea how long Addie had been gone or what the Candyman was doing to her. “The guys who did this to you? Are they the ones who took Addie?” Once again he nodded. Sort of. Then winced in pain. The information caused bile to rise in my throat. I had to get to her. “Where?” I spoke through gritted teeth. “Where is she?” “I know where he lives. Maybe they took her there.” He fought to breathe. “’What’s the address?” As he rattled off an unfamiliar address, I typed it into my phone. Then I dialed 911. After giving them Kevin’s information, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to add in what he’d told me about Addie. “Also, a girl is missing. He said the same men that beat him up took her. Called him the Candyman.” After relaying the address Kevin gave me, I hung up the phone. I had to be honest, the 911 operator didn’t seem like she took my information about Addie too seriously, which I guess made sense. She’d only been missing less than an hour, and I was taking the word of a grown man who called other guys by nicknames like Candyman. “The ambulance is on its way. Hang in there. I gotta go find Addie.” I felt a twinge of remorse about leaving Kevin in his condition. But I knew if I waited for the ambulance I might find Addie in this condition. No, this couldn’t wait. I had to get to her now. I only prayed that Kevin’s address would lead me to her and not on some wild goose chase. I wasn’t sure Addie would survive much longer.

CHAPTER 27

Addison When his mouth came near mine, I turned my head away. No way was I letting this guy kiss me. But then his hand grabbed my face, squeezing hard on my cheeks. My face went numb, all tingly and prickly. Forcefully, he turned my head to face him again. Glancing down, I caught sight of the gun tucked in his pants, and panic took root in my stomach. Feeling defeated, I squeezed my eyes closed. I may not have been able to stop this, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to watch. Hot, stinky breath met my lips. When his mouth covered mine, scuffling and loud voices sounded from outside the door. Felix’s head snapped toward the sounds. I blew out a breath as he released my face. The front door popped open. My jaw dropped when Sawyer stepped inside. “Sawyer,” I cried out. “You better step away from her now!” Sawyer shouted at Felix while walking steadily in my direction. Felix stepped between us, an amused smile on his face. “I’m assuming by this whole knight in shining armor act that you’re Addison’s boyfriend.” His smile faded. “How did you find me?” Sawyer didn’t say a word, just pressed his mouth into a tight line. “It doesn’t matter. Let her go.” “It was that idiot Kevin, wasn’t it? I always knew it was a mistake to get that kid involved. We should’ve killed him when we had the chance.” My insides coiled. They had almost killed him. They would have if I hadn’t jumped out of the bushes. I prayed he was all right. “Forget about Kevin. Give Addison to me,” Sawyer persisted. “Or you’ll what? Tell the principal on me?” Felix laughed as if he was getting great amusement out of Sawyer. Anger and the hint of a challenge flashed in Sawyer’s eyes. “I’m only warning you once.” He took a large step in our direction.

In one swift movement, Felix yanked out his gun and held it out toward Sawyer. “Rover!” He shouted. Sawyer had lost some of his bravado, but not all. “Oh, is that the big guy outside? Yeah, he’s sort of taking a nap right now. One my fist demanded he take.” I was impressed. Rover was a big guy. But then again, I’d seen Sawyer in action on the football field. I knew he was strong. Still, he was no match for Felix’s gun. And I could see by the way his face paled that he knew it. He’d seen what damage a gun could do. I felt so bad for pulling him into this mess. It was the last thing he needed. Still, a selfish part of me was so glad he was here. “You think you’re gonna come in here and play hero, don’t you?” Felix poked Sawyer in the chest with his gun. “Son, I’ll splatter your brains all over this place.” It was the wrong thing to say. I could practically see the images taking over Sawyer’s mind. He was picturing Ryan. I was sure of it. While Sawyer was trying to cope with his demons, it gave Rover the chance to wake up. He walked into the room, a little dazed, but on his feet. Before I could warn Sawyer, Rover slammed his elbow into Sawyer’s back, and he fell to the ground like a limp rag doll.

CHAPTER 28

Sawyer My back felt stiff and sore when I awoke. I tried to lift my arms, but something was restraining them. My eyes fluttered open, and it took a minute to adjust to the dim lighting. I was sitting on a hard chair, my arms tied behind my back. Addie sat across from me, tied up as well. Crap. I had come here to save her, and now they had us both. “Look at who finally decided to join us.” The man who I could only assume was Candyman stood in front of me, rubbing his palms together. I noted that he had scratches on his face that weren’t there before. I glanced over at Addie and saw a slight bruise on her cheek. I was proud of her for fighting back. But I wanted to kill the sick bastard who laid his hands on her. Anger coursing through me, I fought against my restraints. Candyman chuckled. “You two are so cute to think you can fight me.” He pivoted on his heels and walked toward Addie. My defenses went on high alert. I sat up straighter, the ropes around my wrists pulling. “Before you rudely interrupted us, your girlfriend here was paying off her brother’s debt.” My whole body went hot the minute his hand touched her face. “What the hell are you talking about?” “You’ll see.” His hand cupped her face, his fingers stroking her skin. She squeezed her eyes shut, but a tear still escaped. Oh, hell no. I had a rush of adrenaline, and moved so forcefully I dragged my chair forward. Too bad I was still attached to it. “I’ll pay off the debt! Don’t touch her again.” “Sorry, but you’re not really my type,” Candyman said to me. His hand slid down her neck and he moved in close, covering her mouth with his. “Get the hell off of her now.” I fought with all I had, but I couldn’t get loose. “You sick son of a bitch, don’t you dare touch her again.” My head snapped back. Someone had struck me. Pain shot through my face, and I blinked. My vision was blurred, but I made out the image of a man standing next to me. Rover. Where had he come from?

“Didn’t your mom teach you manners?” Candyman asked. “When you’re a guest in someone’s home, it’s impolite to call them names.” This was good. I’d keep him talking. I’d distract him from Addie. “Didn’t anyone teach you it’s impolite to take what’s not yours? Must be pretty sad that you have to force girls to be with you.” Another hit to my face. Stars filled my vision. “Keep talking, lover boy, but that’s not going to stop me. Your girlfriend will pay off her brother’s debt tonight, and you’ll get to watch the whole thing.” “You will not lay another hand on her or I’ll kill you!” I shouted, writhing in my chair. “Ah, ah, ah. Threats will not be tolerated.” This time it was in my stomach. It was so hard it knocked the wind out of me. Before I could even suck in a breath, another one came hard and fast. “No! Stop! Okay. I’ll do whatever you want,” Addie spoke with desperation. I couldn’t catch my breath. Couldn’t speak. Couldn’t tell her no. I didn’t need her defending me. I was here to defend her. When I took in my surroundings, I could see why she was confused about our roles at this point. “I don’t need your permission, princess,” Candyman growled. When I finally regained my bearings, I saw his hand slip under her shirt. Hot and cold flashes ripped up and down my spine. The thought of another guy touching Addie was bad enough, but a guy touching her against her will made me see red. “I swear to god you better remove your damn hand!” This time when I attempted to wrench my hands free I felt one of my wrists pop. Oh, crap. I hoped it wasn’t broken. Another hit to my face rendered me useless for a moment. “You don’t learn, do you? When my boss tells you to shut up, you listen,” Rover said. I would’ve spit in his face, but I couldn’t feel my mouth. As I was trying to regain my focus, I heard a car pull up in the driveway. Red and blue lights illuminated the windows. “Shit, it’s the cops,” Rover stated the obvious. “You little whore. You called the cops,” Candyman said to Addie.

“No, it wasn’t her,” I hollered out, afraid he would hurt her again. Felix turned toward me, but not before the door was kicked in. I sighed with relief as cops swarmed the room. I rested my battered head against the back of the chair. My eyes met Addie’s. She threw me a weak smile. I could tell she was relived as well. But there was also something else in her eyes. A darkness that wasn’t there before. A darkness that I’d spent months clearing out. Tonight had put it right back in place.



CHAPTER 29

Addison I was sitting in the lobby of the hospital waiting to hear how Sawyer was doing. His parents had been ushered back awhile ago, but no one had come returned. I’d met his parents briefly before they went back. It’s not exactly the way I’d hoped we’d meet, and honestly I was pretty nervous when they first showed up. I thought for sure they’d blame me for what happened with Sawyer. But they were gracious. Sure, they seemed a little thrown off by my purple hair. Especially his mom. I could see it in her eyes, and the way her gaze kept flickering to my head. But other than that, they were friendly. As the clock on the wall ticked, my anxiety spread. My stomach was all knotted up like a dozen strands of Christmas lights that were thrown in a box and left to sit all year. Visions of Sawyer’s battered face filled my mind. And the memory of him being hit over and over played like a song on repeat in my head. When Felix first put his hands on me, I didn’t think anything could be worse than that. But I was wrong. Watching Sawyer being beat up had been worse. I felt so helpless to stop him. And it made me feel like crap knowing that he was only there because of me. Yet, it was hard to wish things had gone differently. If I hadn’t texted Sawyer and if he hadn’t come to my rescue, who knows what would have happened to me. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be walking around seemingly unscathed. Although I wasn’t sure I could use the word unscathed at this point. I mean, sure outwardly I seemed fine, but inwardly I was a mess. “Oh, honey, I still can’t believe this happened,” Mom said in a shaky voice, her hands fluttering over my shoulders like a butterfly. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I wasn’t, but I nodded. I couldn’t talk to Mom about any of it. Partly because I wasn’t sure I could get the words out. But mainly because I wasn’t ready to recount everything again. It was hard enough telling the police the whole story. But I only did that for Ben and Sawyer’s sake, so Felix would get what was coming to him. But there was no reason to tell Mom. It would only upset her. Besides, the police had

told her enough. Sighing, I stared down at the scuffed linoleum under my feet. The lobby was pretty quiet. Only a few other people sat in here. Most of them were on their phones texting or scrolling. It made me wish I had my phone. Maybe if I did, I could distract myself. Perhaps it would help me outrun the horrific images of the night. The only silver lining was that Felix was now in jail. I was grateful to Sawyer for calling in to the police station as he drove toward Felix’s house. And I was grateful to Kevin for giving him enough information for the police to take him seriously. It gave me satisfaction to know that Felix would finally pay for what he did to my brother. I was convinced now more than ever that he was responsible for my brother’s death. He may not have pulled the trigger, but he may as well have. “Addie?” My head snapped up at the sound of my dad’s voice. “What are you doing here?” The shock of seeing my dad for the first time in months caused tears to spring to my eyes. But I wasn’t ready for a heartfelt reunion quite yet. I was still angry with him. “Your mom called me.” I threw Mom an angry look, but she shrugged. Snatching her purse off her lap, she stood. “I’m going to go grab a cup of coffee. I’ll be right back.” “Traitor,” I mumbled under my breath as she scurried away. Then I looked up at Dad. “I’ve kind of got a lot of other things going on right now, as you can see.” I spread my hands out, indicating where I was sitting. “Family drama will have to wait.” “I don’t think it can.” Dad lowered himself into the chair next to mine. I rolled my eyes. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you for months, and I got nothing. Now I don’t want to talk to you and I have no choice. That’s typical.” “I know you’re angry with me, and you have every right to be.” “Damn right I do.” Anger flashed in his eyes, and I could tell he wanted to reprimand me for cussing. But to his credit, he eased his face into a smile and didn’t say a word about it. His hand covered mine. “I know what

happened tonight.” “Mom?” I asked. “Yeah.” Betrayal coursed through me. She must have called him on her way here. Why hadn’t she told me? “Are you all right?” He looked at me with genuine concern, and it almost broke me. But I stayed strong. “Have the doctors checked you out?” I yanked my hand away and hugged myself tightly. “The paramedics did at the scene, but I wasn’t hurt. He didn’t do anything to me. Sawyer’s the one I’m worried about.” “Is Sawyer your boyfriend?” Glaring at him, I shook my head. “Yeah, he is. And he’s the only guy who’s been there for me the last few months.” I paused, blinking back the moisture that filled my eyes. “And it’s a good thing he was there, since this has pretty much been the worst time in my entire life.” Dad looked so sad I almost felt bad for my words. Almost. But not quite. I was convinced that nothing I could say would hurt as much as him abandoning me. “Addie, I’m so sorry.” It wasn’t enough. I wasn’t sure anything would be. “Fine. You said what you needed to and now you can leave.” “I didn’t leave because of you.” Emotion welled up in my chest making it difficult to breathe, let alone say a word. I sat completely still, willing him to continue. “I left because I blamed myself for Ben’s death, and that guilt ate away at me. It made it impossible for me to face you or your mom.” I narrowed my eyes. “I heard you and Mom fighting the night before you left. You said it was her fault.” Shame washed over his features. “I never should have said that.” “Tell that to her, not me,” I muttered, clasping and unclasping my hands in my lap. “I have. Tonight. We had a really good chat.”

Another thing Mom kept from me. Wow, the secrets were stacking up. “It was easier for me to blame someone other than myself,” he continued. “But it wasn’t your mom’s fault. It was mine.” Felix’s face flashed in my mind. “Why do you keep saying that?” Dad took a deep breath, his shoulders heaving with the motion. Folding his hands in his lap, he stared down at them. “Ben came to me a couple of days before his death and asked me if he could borrow some money. At first I thought it would be a couple hundred dollars or something. Like he wanted to go on a trip with friends or take a girl on a date. But he needed thousands of dollars. And I told him no. But then he got desperate. Told me it was life or death.” Dad paused, his voice becoming shaky and laced with pain. “I demanded to know what was going on. That’s when he told me he was in deep with some drug dealer. Well, I got mad of course, and told him there was no way I was paying for his drugs.” Dad shook his head, his eyes glazed over as if he was a million miles away. My stomach ached. “We fought. I was so angry. It took me a couple of days to cool off, but then I came up with a plan to help him. But it was too late.” So that was the fight Sawyer witnessed. Now it all made sense. And it made this whole thing so much more tragic. We were all sitting around blaming ourselves, drowning in guilt and shame. When really it wasn’t our faults. It was Ben’s. All of this was his doing. He got himself in this situation. “Did you tell Mom this?” I asked. Dad nodded. “Good.” I was glad that Mom knew the truth. I wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to release all of the guilt she’d been feeling, but it was probably a start. “I understand why you felt guilty about Ben’s death, Dad. But I still don’t understand why you left me. I mean, you didn’t even call. Not once.” “I couldn’t face what had happened. I tried everything in my power to sweep it all under the rug, to make sure no one ever found out. I even took Ben’s phone and hid it so no one would find out what he’d been involved in. I was trying to protect all of us.” “No, you weren’t,” I snapped. “You were trying to protect yourself.” Dad hung his head. “That was definitely part of it. Maybe that was the main reason I took the

phone and kept all the information about the drugs to myself. But the main reason I stayed away from you was because I thought you were better off without me. And, honestly, it was too painful to look at you when this guilt was eating me alive. You look just like him, you know.” He lifted his hand, his finger touching my face. “But mostly, I didn’t want to see the pain my actions caused.” “It wasn’t your fault, Dad. It was Ben’s. Solely Ben’s.” I wiped away a stray tear. “I think I’m starting to see that,” Dad said. “I’ve been seeing a therapist, and that’s been helping a little bit.” He lowered his hand. “Do you think you can ever forgive me?” “Why? Is this like a step in your therapy plan or something?” “No.” He shook his head. “Just me being your dad.” “I needed you to be my dad the last few months.” “I know, honey. I know.” I couldn’t do this anymore. “I don’t think you do know.” Sliding off the chair, I stood up. “Look, I’m glad you’ve had this epiphany and you and Mom have clearly made up. But you hurt me, Dad. And I’m not ready to forgive you for that.” “Fair enough,” Dad said, and the fact that he was being so reasonable only pissed me off more. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sawyer’s mom. I caught her attention, and she motioned me over. My pulse quickened. “I can’t do this right now, Dad. I have to go see Sawyer.” When he nestled into the chair, I added, “Please don’t wait for me. I’m tired. We can talk another day.” It was all too much for one night. The only person I wanted now was Sawyer. With my heart in my throat I hurried over to Mrs. Ridley. “Is he okay?” I asked the minute I reached her. She nodded. “He’s being discharged.” “Really?” My spirits lifted. “They’re letting him leave?” That was good, right? I mean, they only let people leave if they were fine. “Yep.” She threw me a cautiously optimistic smile. “No broken bones. Just a sprained wrist, some bruised ribs, and his face is pretty banged up. But he’ll survive.” I heaved a sigh of relief. But it was short lived when I remembered that it was because of me that

he ended up here in the first place. Man, his parents must hate me. Mrs. Ridley was being polite, but I was sure deep down she was angry. “I-I’m really sorry,” I said. “About all of this.” “You don’t have to apologize,” she said. “This wasn’t your fault.” My mouth dropped open. I was speechless. I couldn’t believe she was being so kind about this. “How are you doing?” She asked gently. “I’m fine,” I lied. She glanced around the hall. Doctors and nurses filed past. An elderly lady shuffled by us. “If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here.” I nodded, my face heating up. Clearly, Sawyer had filled her in on what happened. Before I could respond, Sawyer’s voice boomed from over my shoulder. “There’s my girl.” I spun around. Sawyer limped toward me. My stomach plummeted at his appearance. It wasn’t much better than it had been when he arrived. His face was covered in purple bruises, his eyes were practically swollen shut, his lip was cut, his arm was in a bandage, and with his other arm he held his side as if it hurt to move. I felt sick. “Oh, Sawyer. I’m so sorry.” Man, I couldn’t stop apologizing. It was like a sickness at this point. “Stop. Don’t say another word. I wouldn’t change a thing.” “But I never should’ve dragged you into this. Especially after what happened with Kevin.” Remembering Kevin, my stomach soured. I had asked Sawyer about him before the paramedics took him away. He told me that he called 911. I prayed that the ambulance got to him in time. “What happened? Why did you go back to his house?” I could hear the hurt in his voice. I knew he felt betrayed that I had gone over there without telling him. Shame washed over me. “I found a picture of him and Ben doing drugs together. On the back it had the name Candyman and a phone number, but it had been smudged out. However, it was enough to tell me that he knew something. I know I shouldn’t have gone over there without telling you. It’s just that I thought it would be safe. I never dreamed I’d walk into what I did.” “I know,” Sawyer said. “I wish the whole thing hadn’t happened.”

“You and me both.” “But now it’s over.” Sawyer’s lips curled slightly at the edges. “Any news on Kevin?” “I had my dad ask about him. He didn’t fare as well as me. He’s got some broken bones and broken ribs, but he’ll survive.” “Thank god.” I breathed out a sigh of relief. It was a miracle any of us lived through this night. “I’m so glad the police showed up when they did.” “When I called, they didn’t seem to take me too seriously. But I guess once the local police heard the name Candyman they sprang into action. Apparently they’d been after him for awhile.” It seemed that maybe some good came out of all this after all. I sighed. “All I want to do is go home and forget this whole thing ever happened.” “I know.” Sawyer reached out his good arm and touched my face. The memory of Felix’s expression when his hand roamed my face, explored my body, flashed, and I leapt back. Sawyer’s eyes darkened, his brow furrowing. “You okay?” “Yeah.” I forced my head to bob up and down, but I knew I was lying. The truth was that after tonight, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be okay again.

CHAPTER 30

Sawyer It was the first time we’d been alone in weeks. Ever since the incident at Felix’s, my parents hadn’t stopped hovering. It was like they were afraid I’d die apart from their presence. But my body was healing, the bruises were fading, my wrist was almost completely better, and I was getting stronger. So today my dad was at work, Mom was out running errands, and I could finally breathe. Addie had been here every day to check on me. However, her constant presence I didn’t mind one bit. In fact, it’s safe to say I looked forward to it. It was the one silver lining to what happened, and it had given her a chance to get to know my parents. At first they were skeptical about her purple hair and piercings, but she quickly won them over. “Here.” Addie scooted in close to me, pressing her cheek to mine. Her behavior surprised me momentarily until I noticed the cell phone in her hand pointed toward us. “I need to get a picture of the two of us to put in my new room.” The Wests had sold their house and now lived in the rental. Addie had spent the last couple of weeks decorating her new digs. Gone was all the pink lace and pictures of her former friends. It was like she was trying to find herself one decorative item at a time. I was glad that she had chosen me to be part of that process. We both smiled, and she clicked the picture. Then she quickly backed away from me. I tried not to feel slighted by it, but I did. Addie had barely touched me since that night at Felix’s. In fact, we’d only kissed a couple of times, and it had been awkward and stiff. Nothing like it had been before. I worried about the effect that night had on her. And I worried what it meant for us. “Let me see the picture.” I moved closer to her, snatching the phone out of her hands. When I did, our fingers brushed. She flinched, and a tiny squeal escaped her mouth. “I’m sorry.” A guilty look blanketed her face. “Y-you startled me.” “Addie.” Dropping her phone, I reached out and touched her face. She swallowed hard, her

expression one of discomfort. I hated that this was what my touch did to her now. “We need to talk about what happened.” “What happened when?” Her eyelids fluttered, her gaze darting nervously around. “You know when,” I said, exasperated. She’d avoided this topic with me every time I tried to bring it up, but we needed to discuss it. “We need to talk about what Felix did to you.” Shaking her head, she stood. The springs on my bed creaked with the motion. “He didn’t do anything.” Hugging herself she turned away from me, staring out my bedroom window. “I mean, he planned to, but he didn’t.” Sighing, I got up and moved toward her. “He may not have done all he wanted to, but he did touch you.” I placed my hands on her shoulders. My wrist was still a little swollen, but I was grateful I didn’t have to wear the splint anymore. She shook my hands away and put some distance between us. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Pasting on a fake smile, she faced me. “Can I grab you something from the kitchen? Water? Soda?” “Addie.” I bridged the gap between us. Her gaze lowered. “Addie, look at me.” Reluctantly, her head slowly bobbed up. Our eyes met. The old walls were back up, and it cut to my heart. “What do you want from me, Sawyer?” It reminded me of the old Addison. Of the girl she’d been when I first met her at group therapy. “I want you to be honest with me. I want you to tell me what you’re feeling,” I said, searching her eyes. “I know he hurt you. I was there. God, Addie, I had to watch. You think those images don’t play in my mind all damn day?” Her lips trembled, tears filling her eyes. “I’m sorry, okay,” she lashed out. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. I never should’ve brought you into it.” “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m glad you did. I’d never forgive myself if I hadn’t shown up when I did.” Slowly, I reached out and touched her arms. She stiffened, but didn’t pull away. “I’m saying that if I can’t get it out of my head, I’m sure you can’t either.” Biting her lip, she looked away. “Talk to me, please. I feel like I’m losing you. If I’m not, you gotta give me something.”

This caught her attention. Her eyes crashed into mine. “You’re not losing me, Sawyer,” she whispered. I slid my hands up her arms, touching every inch of flesh. When she tried to pull back, I circled my hands around her upper arms, holding her in place. “I’m not him,” I spoke firmly. “I know,” she said. “I’m never going to force you to do something you don’t want to do. You know that, right?” She nodded. “Then stop running from me,” I pleaded. “You’ve been doing that from the day we met.” “I don’t mean to.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “It’s just that when you touch me or kiss me, I keep picturing his face, his hands.” Closing her eyes, her head whipped back and forth. “I can’t help it.” “You told me once that when you were with me it made you forget everything else.” Releasing her arms, I tucked my finger under her chin until her face lined up with mine. “Focus on me. When thoughts of him creep in, shove them aside and focus on me.” She swallowed hard. “Okay.” “I would never hurt you.” I paused. “Because…I love you, Addie.” “You what?” “I love you,” I said. “And you don’t have to say it back. I just need you to know it. And I need you to trust me.” Lowering my hand, my fingers skated down her neck. She sucked in a breath, but didn’t shove me off. “It’s me, Addie. Sawyer. The boy who loves you and will never hurt you. Let me touch you. Let me show you.” I paused. “But you say the word. One word and this all ends, okay?” The nod was subtle, but it was there. I ran my fingers along her collarbone and across the collar of her shirt. Then I slipped my arms around her waist and tugged her so close our chests were pressed together. “You still with me?” “Yeah,” she breathed, but her eyes faltered. “Look at me,” I commanded, and she did. “Who am I?” “Sawyer.” She giggled.

“That’s right. It’s just you and me.” My fingertips danced over her spine. Her hands were still at her sides, but I could feel her loosening up. “I’m going to kiss you now. Is that okay?” She paused for a minute. When she shook her head, my heart sank. “Just one minute,” she said. Glancing down, an embarrassed look crossed her face. “My arms are stuck.” “Oh, I’m sorry.” I’d been holding her so tightly, I’d caged in her arms. I released my hold on her. She reached up, looping her arms around my neck. It was the most she’d touched me in weeks, and my heart skipped a beat. I rested my hands on her hips, my fingers playing with the edge of her shirt. Tilting my head, I placed my lips over hers. “I love you, Addie,” I spoke against her mouth. Then I pressed down firmly, sealing the words with a kiss. I moved deftly, every motion calculated. I took my time, gauging her reaction, making sure she was comfortable. But I needed to erase everything Felix had done to her. I needed to show her that touching and kissing could convey love, not violence. Slipping my fingers under her shirt, I remembered Felix touching her here. Remembered the feeling of rage that overtook me when his hands ran over her bare flesh. Stamping down the anger now, I took my own advice. Opening my eyes, I stared at Addison’s face. Her eyes were closed, her mouth attached to mine. She was lost in our kiss, exactly the way I had prompted her to do. She was so beautiful and vulnerable in this moment. I never wanted to forget it. Kissing her more fervently, I slid my hands over her bare stomach, the skin soft and smooth. I ran my palms over every inch of skin before curving around her back and squeezing her tight. Our lips disconnected, and our foreheads met. We both breathed in deeply. “Thank you,” Addie said. “And I’m sorry I’ve been so distant.” “Hey, no need to apologize,” I told her. Her head fell against my chest, and I held her close. We stood that way for awhile, silence spinning around us. But I was grateful. After weeks of almost no contact, this felt great. Frankly, I’d take whatever I could get at this point. My heart was content for the first time since the incident. Addie and I would be all right. I was sure of it now. I think all I needed was for us to connect again. It wasn’t until Addie left that evening that I realized that she never said ‘I love you’ back.



CHAPTER 31

Addison When Sawyer told me he loved me, I wanted nothing more than to say it back. But for some reason I couldn’t. It wasn’t because I didn’t love him. I knew I loved Sawyer. I think I’d known it for awhile. Maybe even from the first moment we met. Definitely from the first time we kissed. And even more after he told me he’d never leave me. That he’d always protect me. Honestly, Sawyer had been stealing pieces of my heart from our first conversation on. And now he owned the entire thing. But I’d never told a boy I loved him. Well, other than Ben. And we all know how that ended. Knowing I loved Sawyer and saying it were two different things. My former friends were always telling their boyfriends they loved them. They’d toss it out sometimes as early as a first date. Before meeting Sawyer, I was convinced that in high school the phrase ‘I love you’ didn’t mean anything. It was the obligatory thing to say. Like if someone was your boyfriend or girlfriend it was expected. That it meant the same thing as ‘I like you’ or ‘I want you’ or ‘I think you’re cool.’ But I didn’t see it that way. To me it meant something. And I knew it meant something to Sawyer too. When he told me he loved me, I believed him. I felt it at the core of who I was. His words resonated with my soul. And I felt like when I said it back, it would connect us in a way that scared me. I knew better than anyone how fast someone could leave your life. How they could be here one minute and gone the next. How someone could change, transform before your very eyes. How they could become someone you didn’t even recognize. And Sawyer and I were young. Still in high school. Could I really promise to never let him down? To never leave him? I couldn’t do that. I’d already changed so much this year. Who knew what I’d be like in five years or even ten. I guess I felt like once I admitted my feelings for Sawyer, I’d have a responsibility to him. And I didn’t know if I could handle that kind of commitment. As much as I loved Sawyer’s luggage analogy, I still felt like I was carrying some serious baggage.

Even though I’d gained closure when it came to Ben’s death, I now had the memories of what Felix did to me and to Sawyer to contend with. And even though things with my dad had gotten better, we were still working through some stuff. “Addie,” My dad called out, breaking into my internal thoughts. “Sawyer’s here.” Dad may have been gone for months, but he slipped right back into overprotective dad mode as easily as a turtle slips back into its shell. I smoothed down my hair, snatched up my purse, and scurried down the hallway. Dad was giving Sawyer the third degree when I entered the family room. I could hear Mom banging around the in kitchen as she made the two of them dinner. It was weird having Dad back. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy. It all happened so fast. One minute they were getting a divorce, the next Dad was moving into the new house with us. Sawyer’s eyes widened when he saw me. “Your hair,” he said, his tone one of surprise. Reaching up, I touched the silky strands. “Do you like it?” “I love it.” He smiled. “But I love any color on you.” Dad nodded at Sawyer’s words, obviously approving. Of course, I already knew my parents’ opinion. They were both over the moon when I dyed my hair back to my original color. I swear that Mom even teared up a little. But honestly, I was happy to have my blond back too. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d missed the old Addie. Actually, I didn’t think I could even call her the old Addie anymore. She was Addie. She was me. I’d lost my way for awhile, but now I’d found my way back. When I first entertained the idea of dying my hair back and starting to wear my old clothes, I wondered if I was changing for Sawyer. But I knew that I wasn’t. Sawyer fell in love with me – the person I was inside. He didn’t care how I dressed or wore my hair. And I knew that this was who I was. I wasn’t the brooding girl who wore all black. I was the girl who liked looking nice, who liked to smile, and yeah, liked to wear pink. Besides, I was tired of being the Addie who dwelt on the darkness in her life. I wanted to focus on the light. On what was good. Smiling at Sawyer, I realized that I had a lot to be thankful for. I had a lot of good in my life.

“You look gorgeous,” Sawyer whispered in my ear as we stepped outside. The air was a little chilly, and I shivered. His arm came around me, drawing me close. His familiar scent wrapped around me. “Where are we going?” I asked as we walked toward the “Barney Mobile.” “It’s a surprise.” “A surprise, huh?” I cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah. I figure that you’re always surprising me. It’s time I surprise you.” Dumbfounded, I peered up at him. “How am I always surprising you?” He stopped in his tracks and faced me. “Are you kidding? You’ve been surprising me from the first moment I met you. I never know what to expect from you. You keep me on my toes. But I like it.” Shrugging, he smiled. “I have no idea what tomorrow brings with you, and that’s exciting.” My mind flew back to my earlier thoughts. About how I couldn’t say I love you to Sawyer for fear of letting him down one day. But Sawyer wasn’t living his life in fear. In fact, he was embracing the unpredictability of it all. And he’d taught me how to enjoy life again. How to not stew on the negative, but celebrate the positive. Desperately, I wanted to do that. I wanted to throw caution to the wind. To enjoy every minute I had with Sawyer. Because I did love him. And I loved being with him. I may not have been able to make him promises about the future, but I could give him this moment. And wasn’t that all any of us could give? “Sawyer.” I stepped toward him. Lifting my hand, I ran my fingertips over the stubble growing on his chin. I trailed the faint bruises that still lingered on his face. “That first time that you talked to me at group therapy, I thought I didn’t need anyone. I thought I could navigate through all of this on my own. And, honestly, I didn’t think I had anything to give to anyone else. But the more time I spent with you, I realized I was wrong. I needed you….and you needed me. And I wasn’t as empty as I thought. I did have something to give. Every day we spent together, my heart opened a little, my pain lessened. You brought Addie back, Sawyer. The Addie I never thought I’d see again. You brought color and joy back into my life.” I paused, working up the courage to say the words. “And I love you for it, Sawyer.”

“You love me?” Sawyer cocked an eyebrow. I nodded. “I love you.” “Ahh, you don’t know what it means to me to hear you say that.” Sawyer swept me up in his arms and kissed me hard. I kissed him back with everything I had, determined to enjoy this moment. To enjoy every single moment from here on out. To give all I had. To live every day as if it were my last.

Epilogue

Sawyer Addie had never looked more radiant than in this moment. Not even on our wedding day. And trust me, that’s saying something. I’d never seen a more beautiful bride than Addie. When she walked down the aisle, surrounded by white lace, her long gown trailing her body, my heart almost burst from my chest. Still, it didn’t compare to how I felt at this moment. I was convinced that this was the happiest moment of my life. Nothing could have prepared me for how I would feel right now. “Isn’t he gorgeous?” Addie breathed, staring down at the little pink face peeking out of the white hospital blanket that encased his entire body like he was a human burrito. “He really is.” I leaned over the hospital bed planting a kiss on Addie’s damp forehead. Salty sweat clung to my lips when I drew back. Our son opened his mouth in a round O shape and let out a little wail. It wasn’t intimidating. Honestly, it was cute. I was sure it wouldn’t be as cute when we brought him home and he cried at three in the morning. But he’d been alive less than an hour and right now it was the most precious sound I’d ever heard. “Shh, it’s okay.” Addie bounced him in her arms. Bending over his head, she brushed her lips over his tiny cheek. The cry subsided. “You’re a natural,” I said, rubbing her back with my palm. Her hospital gown was open in the back, so my fingertips trailed over her bare spine. Lifting her head, she craned her neck to peer up at me. Tears shone in her eyes and I swallowed back the emotion welling in my throat. “I love you, Sawyer.” “I love you too, Addie.” Lowering to her level, I gently pressed my lips to hers. “Get a room, you two,” Holden’s voice cut through the moment. “Um…” I scoured the hospital room. “We’ve got one. You’re the one intruding.” Holden chuckled, stepping inside. In his hand he clutched a bouquet of flowers. “Ah, you shouldn’t have,” I joked.

“They’re not for you. They’re for the new mom.” Smiling, he nodded toward Addie. “Thanks.” She smiled. Holden moved closer, staring down at my son. Man, I couldn’t believe I was using the phrase ‘my son.’ It seemed surreal. I wondered if it would ever lose its luster. If this feeling would ever go away. I was hoping it wouldn’t. “Kid looks like a football player,” Holden observed. “Oh yeah?” Addie cocked an eyebrow. “I see it,” I agreed. “Yep.” Holden nodded. “Just like his dad.” “And his Uncle Holden,” I added. Holden may not have been his uncle by blood, but he was my closest friend. Addie and I had already asked him to be the baby’s godfather. Holden reached out his hand and we fist-bumped each other from over Addie’s bed. “What do you say, little guy? Gonna play some ball with Daddy and Uncle Holden?” “Aww, man. Are you guys already trying to recruit the kid?” Chloe appeared in the doorway. Her gaze met Holden’s and she glared. “Seriously? You couldn’t wait for me?” “If I waited for you every time you had to pee I’d live outside of a woman’s restroom,” Holden teased. Chloe tried to remain pissed, but her lips curved at the corners. “Yeah, you try carrying around a baby for nine months and see how it feels.” “No, thanks.” Holden sidled up next to her, draping his arm around her shoulders. “I’ll leave that to you because you handle it so well.” She rolled her eyes, pushing his arm away. “Nice try. Now let me see my little godson.” Moving around Holden, she waddled toward Addie. “Hey, Chloe.” Addie smiled. “Not much longer and you’ll have one of these.” Chloe put her hand on her heart. “Oh, Addie. He’s precious.” “Isn’t he?” Addison beamed. Chloe glanced around the room. “Where are your parents?”

“They all just went to grab a bite to eat,” Addie explained. “I bet they’re in love with this little guy.” “Definitely.” Addie glanced over at me, and I gave her a knowing smile. “We had to force them to give us some time alone.” “Oh, I’m sorry.” Chloe stepped back. “And then we show up and intrude on your moment.” “No, don’t be silly.” Addie placed a hand over Chloe’s. “I’m glad you guys are here. It feels right.” And it did. Holden and Chloe were as close as family to us. “I wasn’t sure if you would be here for the birth,” Addie said to Holden. “I guess I should be grateful we had him during off season.” “Are you kidding? There was no way Holden wouldn’t be here. Our due dates are too close together, and there was no way football was getting in the way of my husband being there for the birth of our baby. I don’t care what a big football superstar he is,” Chloe said. I marveled at how far Holden had come. Although I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. I’d always known he had what it took to go pro. Sometimes I felt jealous of it, but then Addie would remind me of how blessed we were. I may not have played professionally like Holden, but football was still in my life. I coached at Gold Rush High. It was weird to now work where I used to go to school. But honestly, it’s not as difficult as I thought it would be. My old demons were gone. I no longer had nightmares about what transpired all those years ago. Besides, the school had been remodeled to the point where it didn’t even look the way it did when I attended. But mostly I liked the influence I had over the students. The way I could impact their lives, teach them right from wrong. I’d even counseled a couple of students who were being bullied or were suicidal. And I felt like it was a form of redemption for me. Like I’d come full circle. And now here I was with my wife and son. Honestly, my life had turned out better than I ever could have imagined. “Wanna hold him?” Addie touched my arm. “Daddy?” Daddy. I was a daddy. It felt too good to be true.

“Of course,” I responded. Addie carefully placed my son in my arms. He squirmed, making a funny noise, but then he closed his eyes and nestled in peacefully. “Fatherhood looks good on you, man,” Holden said, wearing a grin. “It really does,” Addie agreed. Smiling, I glanced down at my son. “Welcome to the world, Ben,” I whispered.

THE END Check out the first book in my new baseball series: Play Safe (Make the Play #1) Sign up for my newsletter to get release information, exclusive giveaways, and insider information: http://eepurl.com/sp8Q9

BONUS SCENES

The Proposal

London

“Merry Christmas.” Cooper thrust a shiny package into my hand. I took it from him, inspecting the bright wrapping paper peppered with tiny reindeer and green Christmas trees. The smile on Cooper’s face was contagious, and I felt the corners of my lips tug a little. Movement caught my attention and I glanced over to where Dad had been sitting on the couch sipping hot chocolate. Now he’d abandoned his mug on the end table and was turning on his camera. Lifting it, he held it over his face, aiming it at me. This peaked my curiosity. What was going on? Bending my head, I untied the red bow on top of the present. My heart thumped as I tossed the bow aside and ripped into the paper. I was certain my present would be amazing. They always were. Cooper spoiled me at Christmastime. Well, he spoiled me all the time, but especially at Christmas. He knew how much the holiday meant to me. How it made me feel closer to my mom, but how it also brought back a lot of memories – both painful and happy. Therefore, it was important to Cooper to make it special for me, and I loved him for it. I peeled back the wrapping paper to unveil a large book. Not shocking since reading was my favorite pastime. Cooper had bought me many books over the years. He was constantly finding old, classic books at garage sales. He even traveled to the book signing of one of my favorite authors to obtain a signed copy of my favorite book for my birthday one year. My pulse quickened as I tore off more of the paper to see which book he’d found for me now. When all the paper had been discarded, a picture of Cooper and I emerged on the front cover. The caption above our picture read - COOPER AND LONDON: A LOVE STORY. My head bobbed up, my brows furrowing. “What’s this?” “Read it,” Cooper urged. The smile on his face was so large it could only be described as giddy. Even Dad was smiling beneath the camera that covered his eyes. Biting my lip, I opened the book to the first page. Once upon a time, there was a boy named Cooper. His only dream in life was to become a

professional baseball player. He didn’t have time for much else, including love. And he didn’t think he needed it. But then he met a girl who changed everything. When I flipped the page, a picture of Cooper and me filled the space. It was one of the first ones we ever took together. Man, we were so young then. It was only a little over four years ago, but it seemed like a lifetime. We’d been through so much in such a short span of time. There was an innocence in our eyes that wasn’t present now. This picture was taken before my cancer diagnosis. It was taken at a time when I had no idea what my life held. London was everything Cooper didn’t even know he needed. She tore down the walls that he’d built around his heart, and she healed him. But most of all, she taught him how to love. Truly love. Unconditionally love. And she showed him what strength was. The next picture was of Cooper and me with shaved heads. Tears fell from my eyes, and I wiped them away frantically. But it was a losing battle, because they were coming faster now. Cooper scooted closer, and reached out to help me wipe the tears. His fingertips were silky against my flesh. “You’ve always been the bravest person I know.” He smiled. “And the most beautiful. With or without hair.” It was what he’d said to me all the time when I didn’t have any hair. That was the most difficult time in my life, and I know I wouldn’t have survived without Cooper’s support. He was my silver lining. I wanted to tell him that now, but I couldn’t speak past the lump in my throat. Regaining composure, I read through the next couple of pages. They recapped the surgery and Cooper’s sacrifice, my remission, and our year apart when Cooper went to college. Then there were several pages of the last few years – the college baseball games, the writing awards I’d won, the dates we’d had. Finally, I flipped to the final page. London, you are my heart. You are my world. You are my everything. And I want to spend my life loving you. Will you marry me? Will you give me your love always?

“Always” was our word. It had been our word for years. But this book just gave it a whole new meaning. With blurred vision, I turned to Cooper. He was on his knees beside me, a ring box in his hand. I couldn’t even see the ring past all the tears in my eyes. But it didn’t matter. The ring never mattered to me. Cooper mattered to me. He always had. And he always would. “Will you marry me, London Miller?” he asked, his voice strong and steady. He was my rock. I was a mess right now. A snotty, blubbering mess. But he was confident, assured. Of course, he had nothing to worry about. There was no way I would say no. I’d been ready to marry Cooper for years. I’d loved him since I was in high school. “Yes, Cooper,” I said through my sobs. “I’ll marry you.” With shaky fingers, Cooper slid the ring onto my finger. Then he swept me up into his arms. He trailed kisses up my neck and to my mouth. “I’ve been dreaming of this day for years,” he whispered against my lips. “You’ve made me the happiest man on earth.” “You made me the happiest girl on earth the first day you took me on a date, Cooper Montgomery. I’ve been in love with you from the moment I laid eyes on you, and I’ll be in love with you until the day I die.” “Me too.” His lips found mine the same way they had for years. It didn’t matter that Dad was just feet from us, most likely capturing this all on film. Everything else fell away. My focus remained solely on Cooper. He did this to me; made me think of only him. When his lips were on mine and his fingers were tangled in my hair, nothing else even registered. I knew Cooper would make my heart beat fast for the rest of my life. I knew I’d never tire of kissing him and touching him. After all these years my insides still flipped whenever he threw me a smile. And I didn’t see it changing anytime soon. I slipped my arms around his waist as the kiss deepened, as our tongues melded together. Our mouths moved in sync, a perfect rhythm. When our lips reluctantly parted, Cooper’s eyes crashed into mine. “I love you, London. Always.”

The Wedding

London “London, you look beautiful.” Skyler came up behind me as I studied my reflection in the full length mirror. Her hand lit on my arm, her face appearing above my shoulder. Tears shone in her eyes. “Thank you.” My stomach fluttered in anticipation. I wasn’t nervous to marry Cooper. That was something I’d been ready to do for awhile. It was the ceremony that made me agitated. I had never liked being the center of attention, and the idea of everyone’s eyes on me as I walked down the aisle and said my vows was enough to make me nauseous. At the mere thought, doubt took root. I glanced up at my head and wondered if I’d made a mistake. Reaching up, I fingered the hat perched on top. It was one of Cooper’s. I’d had it for years. He’d given it to me after I’d had to shave my head back when we were in high school. “Does this look okay?” I knew Skyler would be straight with me. She’d been my best friend since we were young, and she was always honest. Sometimes to a fault. “It looks perfect.” “Really?” “Really,” she said firmly. “Cooper is going to love it.” I hoped she was right. Up until a few days ago, I had planned to wear a veil. In fact, I’d purchased one. It was beautiful with ivory lace that cascaded down my back. But then the other day I was packing up my room. When I got to the hats that lined my dresser, I remembered all that they represented. A veil wasn’t a symbol of our love. But Cooper’s hats were. His hats gave me confidence when I was bald. They comforted me when I was in the hospital recovering from surgery. They took the edge off when I was scared. And it was then that I knew I had to wear one of his hats at the wedding. It was a bold move, and I was sure there would be people who didn’t get it. But I was glad that Skyler did. As long as those closest to me understood that was all that mattered. I adjusted the cap on my head, and fingered the curls that fell down my shoulders. My dress was one Skyler and Cooper’s grandma helped me pick out months ago. It was a long slimming white gown that flared at the bottom. Underneath it I wore a pair of Converse, but no one would see that. However, it would keep me from falling flat on my face while walking down the aisle, and that’s what I had been most concerned about. “London?” Cooper’s grandma poked her head in. Then her eyes widened and a hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, my goodness. You look absolutely radiant.” “Thank you.” I bit my lip. “No.” Skyler shook her head, but it was too late. My top teeth were now covered in mauve

lipstick. “Sorry,” I mumbled. After stepping inside the little room, Cooper’s grandma closed the door behind her. She walked up to me, taking both my hands in hers. “Honey, I just wanted to come in here and tell you how happy I am that you’re marrying my grandson. You and Cooper are meant for each other, and I couldn’t be more pleased.” Swallowing back the emotion that rose in my throat, I wrapped my arms around her and drew her to me. “I love you, my dear.” “I love you too,” I told her, fighting off the tears that threatened to fill my eyes. “Okay, okay. That’s enough. We can’t let London slobber all over the work her hair and makeup team did.” Giggling, we pulled back. “They did do a wonderful job,” Cooper’s grandma said. “Then again, they had a beautiful canvas to begin with.” A knock on the door startled me. I wiped at my face while Skyler smoothed down my hair. “This is it,” Skyler announced. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth. Then I lifted my chin and nodded. “Okay, let’s do this.” Cooper’s grandma gave me an encouraging nod. “I’ll see you out there, my dear.” Then she scurried out the door, leaving me and Skyler behind. Before Skyler could leave too, I grabbed her hand. “Sky.” She turned to me with a look of concern as if she thought I was going to tell her something was wrong. “I just want to say thank you for being such a great friend to me. Not just today, but always.” Skyler’s lips trembled, but she waved away my words. “Stop it. I can’t handle all this sappy stuff.” I smiled. “I know, but it needed to be said.” She gave me a swift, one-armed hug. “Ditto.” Then the wedding planner opened the door. “Ready?” She raised her brows at me. I hesitated, breathing deeply. Skyler tugged me forward. “C’mon, girl, let’s get you hitched.” We followed the wedding planner down a long hallway to two double doors. I knew that on the other side was a church full of people, and Cooper waiting for me at the front. My heart skipped a beat. Nate, Cooper’s best man sauntered up. He winked at me before taking Skyler’s arm. “We’re up,” he told her. They both threw me a smile before the wedding planner opened the doors to allow them to walk through. Music spilled out. Then the doors were abruptly closed and it was quiet again, save for the hammering of my heart. A warm hand rested on my back. I whirled around, coming face-to-face with my dad.

“Oh, London.” It came out in a sigh. “You are the spitting image of her.” Moisture gathered in his eyes. The tears I’d been holding back spilled forth. “I do?” He nodded letting out a ragged breath. “I’ll never forget the way she looked on our wedding day. She was the most beautiful woman in the entire world…and now you are.” Lifting his hand, he gently brushed away my tears with his fingertips. “She would be so proud of you, London.” “Thank you, Dad.” Leaning forward, I pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I love you, pumpkin.” He offered me his arm. “Are you ready to do this?” Regaining composure, I nodded. “You better be,” the wedding planner said, “because it’s your turn.” She opened both of the double doors and the church came into view. The wedding march started, and everyone in the room stood. My knees softened and Dad tightened his hold on my arm. “You got this, pumpkin.” When we stepped forward, my gaze shot to the front of the church. And there stood Cooper in a tux, looking more handsome than I ever imagined. When our gazes locked, all my anxiety fell away, and all I saw was him. He was my rock, my strength, my love. And today he would officially become my forever.

Cooper London had always had the ability to take my breath away. But never more than she did on our wedding day. When I saw her walking toward me in that slinky, gorgeous dress with my hat perched on her head, I had to remind myself to breathe in and out. The simple act of drawing air into my lungs was something I had to coach myself on. That was the effect London had on me. And I could tell it wasn’t only me. A hush fell over the entire room as she made her way down the aisle. No one could take their eyes off of her. It made my heart swell. This was a day I’d dreamt of since we were in high school. Back when she was sick and our future was uncertain, I used to fantasize about this moment. I would pray that God would give her more time. Give us more time. And he answered my prayers. He gave me more than I ever dreamt. He gave us a lifetime. When her dad placed her hand in mine, giving me his blessing, I knew I’d never take her for granted. I’d almost lost her. Not once, but multiple times. Her life was a gift. But more than that, our life together was a gift. And it was one I would cherish all the days of my life. As I guided her up the stairs toward the minister, I bent my head close to hers. “I love that you wore my hat.” She grinned. “You do?” “Yeah. It’s perfect,” I said. “And you look…well, there isn’t a word in the English language to describe how you look. Stunning is the word that comes to mind, but I’m not sure it does you justice.” Her eyelashes fluttered, her cheeks reddening, and my heart picked up speed. I loved that she could still make my pulse race even after all this time. When it was time to say our vows, it wasn’t difficult for me to promise to love her in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad because I’d already done that. We’d endured the worst and we’d survived. And I knew that no matter what else life threw at us we’d survive that too. Because she was the love of my life. She was my always.

Author’s Note and Acknowledgments

I’d always wanted to write a baseball romance. Mostly because I come from a baseball family. Pretty much every guy on both my mom’s and dad’s side has played baseball. Some even at a professional level, and many have coached into their adult years. But mostly I wanted to write this story for my brothers. Matt and Kagen are exceptional baseball players. Matt played third base all through high school and now coaches at the high school level. Kagen was a pitcher all through high school and is now playing professionally for a minor league team. Both Matt and Kagen were my baseball experts as I wrote this book. Matt re-wrote most of the scenes out on the field so that they actually made sense. And all of Cooper’s pitching jargon comes from Kagen. Fans fell in love with London and Cooper and begged me for more of their story, and that’s why I decided to write FOR THE GAME. I loved seeing how London and Cooper navigated the challenges of a long distance relationship. When I was satisfied with their happily-ever-after, I had to figure out what to write next. And that’s when I decided to try my hand at a couple of football romances. Personally I love reading football romances, so it was fun to write those. I enjoyed Chloe and Holden’s story, and Sawyer and Addison’s. I hope you did too. As always I have a ton of people to thank: Lisa Richardson, my super star editor. Kris at C & K Creations for my fabulous covers. I love them so much. To my betas: Susan Griscom and Megan Squires. To my kids and husband for all their support. To my extended family – there are too many to name, but I love you all! To all my readers, bloggers and fans, you make this all worth it! I can’t thank you enough. And, most of all, to God, who makes all this possible. Everything I do is for you.

Amber

About the Author

Amber Garza is the author of the Playing for Keeps series, the Make the Play series, suspense novel Break Free, and many contemporary romance titles, including Star Struck and Tripping Me Up. She has had a passion for the written word since she was a child making books out of notebook paper and staples. Her hobbies include reading and singing. Coffee and wine are her drinks of choice (not necessarily in that order). She writes while blaring music, and talks about her characters like they’re real people. She currently lives in California with her amazing husband, and two hilarious children who provide her with enough material to keep her writing for years.