How it Works - Jason Hazeley

A LADYBIRD BOOK FOR GROWN-UPS

‘How it works’

T HE D A D

by J. A. Hazeley, N.S.F.W. and J. P. Morris, O.M.G.

(Authors of ‘A Man, A Plan, A Canal: Colonic Irrigation’) Publishers: Ladybird Books Ltd, Loughborough Printed in England. If wet, Italy.

Contents ‘How it works’: The Dad

THE ARTISTS Martin Aitchison Robert Ayton John Berry R. Emberton Kenneth Inns B. Knight B. H. Robinson Harry Wingfield

THE AUTHORS would like to record their gratitude and offer their apologies to the many Ladybird artists whose luminous work formed the glorious wallpaper of countless childhoods. Revisiting it for this book as grown-ups has been a privilege.

This is a dad. His car has broken down, and he is calling for assistance. As usual, muggins here has to do it himself. Dads communicate with their families using a distinctive noise called ‘tutting’.

Ben could not wait to be a dad, so he could spend less time at work. Now he looks forward to going back to the office on Monday morning, because at least his spreadsheets don’t scream at each other.

The dad has super–powers. For instance, when he picks his nose in traffic, he goes invisible.

Dan’s children have found some of his old photograph albums. They laugh at mum. They laugh at dad. Then they laugh at the idea of putting paper photographs in an album. Dan feels about two hundred years old.

Pavel leaves for work at six o’clock in the morning. He works for ten hours a day on a building site. When he comes home, his son asks him if he wants to help him make things from Lego. After his son has gone to bed, Pavel’s wife suggests they watch Grand Designs.

Oculus was late home last night because of an important meeting. He said the meeting was in the office, but the last three hours were at The Crown And Crab. This morning he will be able to get away with it as long as nobody finds out he has a headache.

Sometimes the dad is not able to think about home because he is thinking about work. This DX2 Artificial Dad Mind was designed by Moulinex in 1973. It does all the thinking about work, so the dad is free to remember family birthdays and have any opinion whatsoever on the new bath–mat. It was enormously unpopular.

Darren has a special ‘dad meal’ which he cooks at weekends for his children. But Darren has run out of harissa and he insists the meal is not possible without it. Luckily he has all the ingredients for an apple.

Shawn has set up his own firework display in the garden. ‘Those big displays are rubbish,’ he tells his son. ‘You can’t see a thing.’ When Shawn’s son has seen the firework, they will go back indoors. Fireworks are more expensive than Shawn expected.

It is Mother’s Day, so Lee has taken his wife a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea in bed while he looks after the children. ‘You have a lie–in while we watch a DVD,’ Lee says. The girls wanted Frozen but Lee has already seen that twice.

Laurie hates fishing, so he only goes once a week. He comes here for the peace and quiet. But the water is a bit too noisy. ‘Shhhhhh!’ says Laurie to the ripples.

Mike’s daughter looks at him every day with eyes that say, ‘My dad is the best man in the whole world’. Now she is nearly a teenager, Mike is prepared for change. He is prepared for new challenges. He is not prepared for the day she suddenly looks at him with eyes that say, ‘Who is this colossal bell–end?’

Nigel put on some music when his little boy went to bed. It was some nice relaxing jazz. Nigel’s little boy has been down six times so far and Nigel has not yet heard a single tune uninterrupted. Tomorrow evening, Nigel will listen to the soundtrack to The Omen, so the downstairs is more frightening than the upstairs.

This is a Dad Lab. Here, dads are kitted out in standard gardening slacks, and undergo experiments to find out how much they can put up with. Rob has been here two minutes, and is leaving. No–one should be asked to get ketchup out of a carpet in these conditions.

Kilograham is arriving at work. He realises with horror that he left home without saying his joke. His daughter asked him to put the kettle on, but he did not reply, ‘All right, but it won’t suit me.’ Now he will have to drive all the way home and say it. Poor Kilograham.

For a birthday treat, Steve has taken his son Jake to Edgbaston to see England play Pakistan in the third test. Steve knows Jake likes throwing grapes and knocking breadsticks off his high chair, so he is sure they will have lots of fun watching six hours of cricket together.

Amanda usually arranges the family holiday, but this year she has asked Martin to do it. She wanted somewhere near the beach, with a pool, a restaurant, and plenty to do for the children. ‘At least it’s near the beach,’ says Martin.

Andy is having a vasectomy this afternoon. His wife keeps using the word ‘neutered’ and joking with the surgeon that Andy should have a plastic cone fitted round his head, like a dog. Andy puts in his earbuds and listens to another sad song by Elbow.

Being a dad is an important job with a lot of responsibilities. This dad is working hard to provide for his family. This is why he gets so much respect.

In a hive, the male bees do not help gather pollen or raise the young, but go out in large groups looking for a queen to mate with. Johnny likes to come here during his fifteen–minute lunch break. He was recently given a warning for wasting company time looking for an on–line forum for men who want to live as bees.

Cass sees his children every other weekend. He has already taken them round a theme park, bought them a horse each, and lunch at Le Manoir aux Quat’Saisons. ‘Just time for an air show before dinosaur golf,’ he says, shaking them awake in the back of the limousine. ‘It’s so nice to have some normal family time together,’ he thinks.

He cannot admit it to his wife but Simon’s twins are starting to freak him out.

Peter has taught Tandy to climb the stairs. In the coming years, he will teach her to walk, swim, ride a bike and drive a car. At 35 she will finally take the hint and leave.

‘What does a hippopotamus eat, dad?’ asks Philip. ‘Children who ask for stuff in the gift shop,’ says his dad. Being a dad is brilliant.

The Publishers gratefully acknowledge assistance provided by Blodnald Llwyll, Esq., Honorary Big Daddy at CRONUS (The Centre for Reading Old Newspapers Under the Stairs), in compiling this book.

MICHAEL JOSEPH UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia India | New Zealand | South Africa Michael Joseph is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com First published 2016

Copyright © Jason Hazeley and Joel Morris, 2016 All images copyright © Ladybird Books Ltd, 2016 The moral right of the authors has been asserted ISBN: 978-0-718-18427-8