It takes a village Mag 1500

IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A RELATIONSHIP by Kelly Bryson

IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A RELATIONSHIP By Kelly Bryson

It is particularly difficult for couples to survive in the culture common to most American communities. When one party of the couple reaches out to their community for understanding about some pain or struggle they are having with their partner, nine times out of ten, all they will get is collusion, collision, confusion, chicken soup or cover up. Here are some examples: Collusion: “I am scared that my boyfriend is going to a party in hopes of seeing his former girlfriend” says a desperately-seeking-help Susan. Her girl friend responds “You’re right, that is abusive, he needs a good therapist.” Collision: “Do not be so insecure, you will suffocate the man.” (This happens when the person you are sharing your feelings with has their own fear or pain triggered. Then instead of empathizing with you they offer their own reaction, often in the form of a psychological diagnosis.) Confusion: “How could you even think that about him” Chicken Soup: “Have you considered cosmetic surgery” (A woman in a workshop I did in Hollywood, Ca. told me that her best girlfriend actually said this to her after she shared that she was afraid that her husband was starting to look at other women.) Health Nut Chicken Soup: “You sound depressed. Zinc is very good for depression. Here I think I have some here in my purse. I can not find the Zinc, but I did find this yummy Ginseng Protein Bar which should help balance some of that yucky yang energy your feeling.” New Age Chicken Soup: “Why are you creating this in your life? Maybe you need to this weekend to the seminar with the Jolly Llama called Totally Transforming your Life.” Cover-up: “I am sure it’s harmless, how could he think of leaving you for her, have some bologna hors d'oeuvres?” Susan also may feel scared to tell her girlfriend the painful truth for fear of judgement that she is ”needy” or dependent or the more sophisticated judgement “codependent”. And there is always the fear that her girlfriend will gossip in the community that she can not keep her man happy. In many a competitive community, sharing this vulnerability will be perceived as a weakness in the relationship and therefore a potential opening for other women to try to steal him away. Many women in our culture live in constant fear of competition, which creates an atmosphere of mistrust in the community of women. This mistrust creates shallowness of relating, which prevents women from drawing strength from their potential collective unity. When women do not have this strength that comes from their collective emotional unity they feel weak, insecure, and vulnerable. When they bring this fear and emotional depletion to their male partners, the men sometimes feel overwhelmed and inadequate at not being able to meet their emotional needs. Page 1 of 3

© Kelly Bryson 2003

IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A RELATIONSHIP by Kelly Bryson Men will frequently deal with their overwhelm and inadequacy by either withdrawing or blaming. The blaming may sound like “You’re so needy, overly sensitive, controlling, demanding, and as Yul Brenner (In The King and I) would say…etc., etc. etc.” A key component in strong community is the members knowing how to support people in their strength instead of colluding with them in their powerlessness. When women are not in a primary relationship the power of their sisterhood is often much stronger. They are not so caught up in the fear of competition. This fear of competition includes the fear of losing their partner to a girlfriend and the fear of feeling shame when they compare themselves to that girlfriend unfavorably. Until a woman can develop a network of strong women who have some depth of experience, and know how to be present with empathy and emotional honesty she will likely continue to create a sort of A–Frame dependency with her partners. This is where she perceives her partner's needs for spontaneity, freedom, involvement with the world and connection with others as abandonment and he perceives her needs for closeness, security, continuity, and reassurance as controlling and/or needy. His slightest request for freedom triggers her fear of abandonment and comparison. Her slightest request for reassurance or security is judged by him as a weakness, a lack of trust in him or a demanding need to control. This of course is not a gender rigid dynamic. I have seen the gender reversed on this many times. Other polarizations within couples include closeness vs. autonomy, security vs. spontaneity or certainty vs. uncertainty, and being trusted vs. being valued. How do we create intimacy in communities of men and women? One way is to get it on the table how we feel about each other, and about each other's partners. What if the women just told each other whom they were attracted to and whether they planned to take any action on this attraction. Maybe we would begin to create an atmosphere of trust where at least such things could be talked about before they are acted upon in secrecy. This could allow for dialogue between all the concerned parties instead of the covert war of stealth and competition, which keeps us all talking about the weather and subconsciously looking for clues about who is starting to hit on whom. This atmosphere of trust is destroyed by the injunction not to talk about the inevitable attractions that take place between people. Most women have a strong intuitive sense about who is attracted to whom. It is the attempt to hide this truth and cover it up that creates so much mistrust. Also without a clear expression of how people intend to act on or respond to these attractions great fear is often generated, as women and men try to protect themselves from the possible loss of the loved one. Another reason couples need transparent community so much, is to break up the polarization dynamic that so frequently occurs when two human beings engage each other deeply. Polarization within a couple is difficult to discharge without contact with outside positive and/or negative energies. By positive and negative I mean in an electrical or electromagnetic sense, not good or bad.

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© Kelly Bryson 2003

IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A RELATIONSHIP by Kelly Bryson Positive and negative poles of a magnate repel each other when brought into close contact, yet they are naturally and dynamically on opposite ends of the same magnate. So too with couples as they are brought into close contact, the truth about why opposites attract comes out. The attraction and the tension between the neatnicks and the slobs, the spendthrifts and the misers, the spontaneous and the cautious, the extroverts and the introverts, the freedom loving kites and the grounded strings, the party animals and the homebodies, etc. often starts to manifest as conflict. Two things are desperately needed if harmonious development of the relationship is to occur. One is good communication skills and the other is a mature outside support system. And by outside, I mean other people in the community besides the dynamic duo themselves. By positive outside support I mean self-responsible honesty and by negative I mean the vital vacuum force of empathy. This vacuum force sucks conflicts, anger, resentments, and withholds onto the table of discussion. It is created by people who have great presence, a nonjudgmental attitude, an ability for accurate empathy, and great listening skills. It is tragic to me that so many times an attempt to get help from an outside source is interpreted as a threat, betrayal or abandonment. Or sometimes it is interpreted as more proof that one is not enough or else the partner would have no outside needs. Other tragic interpretations include: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Unwilling to work it out just between us. An act of spite or revenge. An expression of failure of the relationship. This is the beginning of the end. A lack of faith in the relationship Airing the family's dirty laundry

Credit This article is taken from “Don’t be Nice, Be Real – Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others – COVER TEXT: A Handbook to compassionate communication” by Kelly Bryson, Marriage, Child and Family Therapist. To order the book, or for info about Kelly or Nonviolent Compassionate Communication Training go to www.LanguageofCompassion.com or call 858-277-LOVE. “Don’t Be Nice, Be Real” a book by Kelly Bryson MFT is a lively light approach to a deadly serious subject – our lives. It is a mix of humor, radical wisdom, and new culture spirituality. It is about Compassion without Compromise. The book teaches the mechanics and spirit of Nonviolent Compassionate Communication to cure “Niceitis”, a hereditary disease. So many people feel powerless and victimized by the people and circumstances of their lives. They are tired of being one of the ‘nice dead people’ in the world. This book takes us on a journey from depressed “doormat” through overly “obnoxious” aggressiveness to an evolved, enlightened ‘Selfish’ assertiveness.

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© Kelly Bryson 2003