Kelly Bryson relationships When Push Comes to Hug MAg 1500

WHEN PUSH COMES TO HUG by Kelly Bryson

WHEN PUSH COMES TO HUG By Kelly Bryson Relationships are like Chinese finger puzzles. You know the kind made of straw where you scrunch up the cylinder, put both your index fingers in. And if you just try to pull your fingers back out again the cylinder tightens up, and holds your captive fingers all the tighter. The key to getting out of the Chinese finger puzzle is the same key as getting out of the polarized power struggle in a loving relationship. It is useful to push towards the middle instead of pulling towards your own ends. When you find yourself in a relationship struggling towards one of the polar ends of an apparent conflict of needs, the strain of the power struggle can be decreased by pushing back towards the middle. As furiously as I might try to get my point across or my needs heard, if I used the same amount of energy to show understanding for the other’s position, I will ease the power struggle and move us toward resolution. I chose to fight toward the life, toward the connection with each other, which is the common life force that sustains and connects us. One form this life energy takes is our needs. And because we all have the same needs for connection, freedom, celebration, physical sustenance, inspiration, peace, etc., expressing our needs clearly to each other is a powerful way to get us connected and giving to each other. Some of the central apparent conflicting needs in intimate relationships are: freedom vs. closeness, traditional marriage vs. open marriage, autonomy vs. interdependence. Maybe there is some kind of law of the universe that make opposites attract that make all the spendthrifts find the misers, the slobs find the anal neatniks, the intellectuals find the emotional, the extroverts find the introverts, the action oriented find being oriented, the harmony seeking find the adventurous, those seeking certainty find those wanting spontaneity, etc. It is true with any tug of war, that as soon as you move toward the other’s position all the tension goes out of the struggle and it can turn into a hug of love. I want to push towards my partner. I want to push in towards intimacy instead of just pulling out toward my desired outcome. So when my partner is pulling for closeness and I find myself tugging back for freedom I can change the polarity of the conversation by just beginning to think: “How can I meet some of her needs for closeness without compromising my needs for freedom?” As soon as I start thinking this way the field of energy between us will begin to soften and relax, the tension will decrease as the fear diminishes. The fear in both of us is that we have to fight, defend and protect ourselves from being taken advantage of and to get our needs met. When blaming is going on, which is another way of saying that a request for empathy, healing and reconnection is being made, I recommend taking one of the following actions: The order of these actions is in a hierarchical order from the most effective and preferred to the least. I need also to be humble enough to recognize which of these actions I can do with honesty and integrity. By humble I mean that I am not over estimating my level of skill or present state of mind. I need to hold an accurate assessment of my ability to be present and not be thinking I “should” be empathic, compassionate or more present than I am. For example even if I recognize that empathy would probably be the most effective strategy for the occasion, I will still need to choose honesty at that moment if that is all I can give Page 1 of 3

© Kelly Bryson 2003

WHEN PUSH COMES TO HUG by Kelly Bryson with congruence. You cannot give empathy from “should” energy, (in other words because you think you should.) Example: Your partner says: “You just are not meeting my needs for relationship. besides that you are selfish.”

And

1. Empathize with the pain and unmet needs of which the blame is a tragic expression. You might say: “Are you feeling kinda lonely and hurt and more consideration of your needs?” 2. Acknowledging any regret and action that I took that may have played a part or triggered the other person. You might say: “I am sad that I forgot your birthday and went to play golf all day.” 3. Ask your partner for acknowledgment: You might say: “I am sad and would appreciate acknowledge that I did remember your birthday for the last 6 years.” 4. Ask your partner to acknowledge their regrets or actions. You might say: “I am frustrated and would appreciate acknowledgment that you forgot my birthday too and I would like to hear how you felt about forgetting?” 5. Give Nonviolent self-responsible honesty. You might say: “I am feeling scared right now and need to protect myself from sinking into a guilt pit, could I get back to you in an hour?” (And in that hour you may want to consult with your giraffe journal, where you keep all the wonderful things people have said to you and about you, or call one of your empathy exchange partners. Remember that your empathy partners are those people in your support tribe that you call when you are in reaction and need supportive listening to process the reaction. Ideally it is an equal exchange between yourself and someone else who is learning “The Art of Empathy.” Heinze Kohut, the existential psychologist said that what human beings need most is the mirroring presence of others.) 6. Be quiet, and give yourself a chance to reconnect with the kind of energy and the intention you would like to be coming from before you respond. (This option can be useful at any point to get in touch with these other options.) You might say to yourself: “I am scared and angry right now. I am going to wait until what I say might help matters.” When I enter into an intensive needs negotiation session with a loved one (Otherwise known as a fight) I need to know that I will be able to detect the difference between a giving-in/giving-up type of compromise and a true opening of the heart to a compassionate shift. If I have no confidence that I can make this Page 2 of 3

© Kelly Bryson 2003

WHEN PUSH COMES TO HUG by Kelly Bryson distinction I will be to scared to really listen/empathize/take in what the other person is expressing. I am afraid I will listen, feel sorry for them and end up giving in when I did not want to. Then I will have to deal with self hate (My inner jackal says “Wimp, people pleaser, why do you let people push you around) and resentment. (Inner jackal "Why do they always have to have their way, they are selfish, it is not fair). It is this fear of self abandonment that contributes to the fear to hear what the other is really saying. The other fear that gets in my ear is that of taking in something that will trigger self judgement, shame or guilt. I am really never afraid of the other’s judgement, only having my own inner self judgement triggered by their judgement. When I have no feeling sense that the other is empathizing with my expression of needs it is very easy to interpret their expressions of need as an attack. (Rumination – “You tell me your sweet needs, I add them to my list of inadequacies.) When I am not feeling that energy of connection/understanding/acceptance it is easy to misinterpret what you are saying as a criticism of me. Oh if I could only remember that all your pain and a call for help to meet express my own pain nakedly. Then responsibly instead of ever blaming or different world.

your judgements of me are expressions of your needs. And if I could remember to make my calls for help clearly and self judging you. I would begin to live in a

Credit This article is taken from “Don’t be Nice, Be Real – Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others – COVER TEXT: A Handbook to compassionate communication” by Kelly Bryson, Marriage, Child and Family Therapist. To order the book, or for info about Kelly or Nonviolent Compassionate Communication Training go to www.LanguageofCompassion.com or call 858-277-LOVE. “Don’t Be Nice, Be Real” a book by Kelly Bryson MFT is a lively light approach to a deadly serious subject – our lives. It is a mix of humor, radical wisdom, and new culture spirituality. It is about Compassion without Compromise. The book teaches the mechanics and spirit of Nonviolent Compassionate Communication to cure “Niceitis”, a hereditary disease. So many people feel powerless and victimized by the people and circumstances of their lives. They are tired of being one of the ‘nice dead people’ in the world. This book takes us on a journey from depressed “doormat” through overly “obnoxious” aggressiveness to an evolved, enlightened ‘Selfish’ assertiveness.

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© Kelly Bryson 2003