Y EVER SSUE
VIC NOV 7-21, 2016 $4.95 NZ $5.50
SA
WA
HOLLY
CELEBS FLASH IN
PUBLIC!
Kylie Minogue Paris Hilton Britney Spears Lindsayy Lohan
✓ ✓ ✓ ✓
ROSIE
BIKE CRIKEY!
Phillip Island 1 Unlucky bloke 0
n o GIRL GIRL The ultimate guide to lesbians!
START
TRADING
UP
H
E MAY be in the midst of divorcing gorgeous Gabi Grecko but that hasn’t stopped Aussie horndog Geoffrey Edelsten from showing off his new main squeeze, the EVEN MORE GORGEOUS ex-Playboy pin-up Ashley Kirk! The 73-year-old multimillionaire was on a business trip to the USA several weeks ago when he first met the Los Angeles-based glamma model and was BOWLED OVER.
Despite the 47-year age difference, Geoff’s confident the lovebirds can make their relationship work, mainly ’cos Ash admires his BIG…BRAIN! “We have a lot in common and there is sensational chemistry between us,” he said. “She’s…attracted to me, I believe, because I’ve a lot to offer. I have seven masters and two doctorates and can help mentor her career.”
If her career shows as much promise as these wonderful pix from PlayboyPlus.com, then Ashley’s gonna go a long way. Despite his previous run of bad luck marrying much younger American blondes – see ex-missus Gabi and ex-ex-missus Brynne Edelsten – Geoff is certain this time it’s TRUE LOVE. We have no reason to doubt him. That said, we have an office pool running…
CONTENTS
TALK TO US BY MAIL: GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001 BY EMAIL:
[email protected] BY PHONE: (02) 9288 9686 FACEBOOK: aussiepeople TWITTER: PeopleOz
Readers: please note our new PO box address.
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08 12 16 18 20 26 33
FULL FRONTAL CELEB UPSKIRTS PORN WATCH NEWS TO US OUR LESBO GUIDE! ANIMAL HOUSE BRAIN GAMES
48
40 46 52 53 64 68 70
T&Cs FUNNY SHIT WIN STUFF! MODEL CITIZENS THE HAREM TRUE BLUE THE BACK DOOR
GAY TIMES
BE
s d n e i Fr
Pin-up pals enjoy frisky fun in Ibiza!
HOLLY
ROSIE
PHOTOS BY IMM
‘ROSIE JUMPS ALL OVER ME DURING SHOOTS’ HOLLY
T
HEY’RE not actual LESBIANS, but glamma models Rosie Jones and Holly Peers don’t mind mucking around with each other during saucy photographic shoots, whether it’s on satin sheets in a five-star hotel bedroom or on a sun-drenched Euro-beach, like in this pictorial. Can you blame them?
‘HOLLY’S GOT SUCH AMAZING BOOBS!’ ROSIE “Sometimes, I just can’t help myself,” laughs Rosie. “Holly’s got such AMAZING BOOBS that I couldn’t wait to whip off her top! I even tried to pull down her pants to get a look at her BRILLIANT BUM!” “Rosie’s so WILD!” giggles Holly. “You always know she’s going to be grabbing your boobs, pinching your bum and JUMPING ALL OVER YOU when you have a shoot together.” She continues, “It’s so much fun, though. Rosie’s got such an incredible body. I think we’ve become experts in taking off each other’s bikinis.” The naughty shenanigans don’t just stop at the water’s edge. The gals get crazy with each other when they’re having a big night out, which usually involves “lots of nudity and lots of food”, according to Rosie. “We always go to the same Chinese restaurant,” adds Holly, “and we really should be barred by now. I think they like booby girls in tiny dresses making a mess everywhere!” After lots of eating and BOOZING – “Holly’s the best drinker,” reckons Rosie – the babes head home and collapse into bed…TOGETHER. “We just pass out in our knickers and wake up in ONE SEXY HEAP,” explains Rosie. On a somewhat related note, Holly admits she’s currently bingewatching TV’s Orange Is The New Black: “It’s about women in prison – I think it might be helpful for us!” Watching all the hot lesbo action in the show might teach you a thing or two as well, ladies.
FULL FRONTAL
The latest in nudity from around the globe!
SKIRT’N’FLIRT
JOVO’S VOVOS! WATCHED the trailer for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (hitting Aussie cinemas January 26)? No? Geez, you call yourselves Milla Jovovich fans… Suppose you haven’t seen the 40-year-old Ukrainian-American action heroine/megamodel’s RACK-TABULOUS piccies in Pop magazine #35, either? No? Jeebus! We’ll take pity on y’all this time and print a couple of samples here. But try to keep up in future, OK?
LIP SERVICE
CHARLIE B.O.X. HUMANS have made countless screw-ups throughout history – such as putting radium in toothpaste (for that fresh, clean, radioactive feeling) – but it definitely WASN’T a mistake stationing a shutterbug in the first row of this Charlie XCX gig. The Pom popster, 24, was in Las Vegas when she gave us a gander at her PINK PANTIES and the pussy lips beneath. It’s a sweet view that won’t rot your teeth. FOR more upskirt magic, angle your shoe mirrors towards our collection of classic pervs on pg12!
8
SHARING
THE LOVE
BREASTWORLD CURRENTLY on Foxtel’s Showcase, Westworld updates the 1973 sci-fi fillum of that name into a stylish, kinky, instantly addictive series. The plot involves rich folks paying to holiday in a Wild West theme park populated by robots they can
GOT WOOD (AND CO.)
ROOT, SHOOT OR BOTH…until the robots start going haywire, that is. Evan Rachel Wood (above right) is a farm-gal ’bot, while Jackie Moore and Angela Sarafyan (above middle and left) play additional artificial lasses. Expect lots of skin from this’un!
Touch the page and I break your fingers
TALL TALE
The freshest flesh on celebrity social media
US fitness model Cassandre Davis, once spied SNOGGING footballer Cristiano Ronaldo, likes to put bikinis through the “stretch test”.
SMOKIN’ PORTRAIT
PROVOCATIVE US photographer Tyler Shields (tylershields.com) has really brought out the dangerous – and BOOBY – side of second-gen celeb Tallulah Willis in a new group of images from which this one is taken. For anyone who
isn’t aware, 22-year-old Tallulah is the youngest of the three daughters of Hollywood royalty Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, which makes for an ENTICING MIX of don’t-fuck-with-me attitude and you-wish-you-could body.
We’re already smiling and Seppo comedienne Iliza Shlesinger hasn’t delivered a single joke. She’s WAY sexier than Rodney Rude.
9
FULL FRONTAL
READY TO BARE
CARNAL CAR
CONSTANCE CRAVING
BEING regularly ranked among the world’s TOP CATWALKERS hasn’t stopped Constance Jablonski posing without her CATWALKER TOP for Lui mag. Shot by ace snapper David Bellemere, the 25-year-old Frenchie flaunts her sleek lines next to those of a Lamborghini in issue #31. If you could have the auto or the babe, which would you choose? Same here! Public transport ain’t that bad.
FINE FUR
OLE! OLE! OLE! ALE! MEXICO’S Marika Vera is our kind of la-di-da fashion designer. First, she got her intro to the biz via a course at Melbourne’s Swinburne Uni Of Technology. Second, she uses STACKED hotties like 23-year-old pin-up Alejandra Guilmant in her parades. And third, she doesn’t believe in WASTING FABRIC on clothing that conceals a lady’s front. 10
ACTS OF GRACE THE new Document features actress Tilda Swinton on the cover, being blown by the wind. However, we’re interested in what’s INSIDE the rag – namely the Roe Ethridge pics of runway star Grace Hartzel, 20, puffing on a durry while showing us where she’s furry. Gracie’s a self-confessed anime addict. Maybe she’ll accept our offer to come and chain-smoke WINNIE BLUES while rewatching Robotech.
HELLO, WE ARE...
UNCOVERED AGENT
VALKYRIE SCHWINGS STRIKING blonde Julie Engelbrecht, who previously appeared as the head hexer in Vin Diesel’s The Last Witch Hunter, has a MORE HEROIC role in upcoming WW2 thriller Beyond Valkyrie: Dawn Of The Fourth Reich. When you buy/rent the DVD, you’ll discover the 32-year-old Parisienne plays a secretary who’s really an UNDERCOVER AGENT, gathering intel on the Nazis. While occasionally getting her norks out.
VANESSA VERACRUZ & ABIGAIL MAC AS A TASTE of our spunky lesbians special beginning on pg20, allow us to present BOSOM BUDDIES Vanessa Veracruz and Abigail Mac. Van is American, 28, and sports enhanced 36Cs, while fellow Yank Abi is the same age and boasts bolstered 34Ds. They’re a match made in Heaven. And by “Heaven”, we mean an LA pad rented by a XXX film company for a weekend of making MUFF-MUNCH MOVIES. 11
GASH FLASH
Paris Hilton Paris was at Sean Combs’ birthday beano in ’04 when we saw her Diddy.
Casey Batchelor Casey was at a charity bash last year when she really gave to the needy!
Dita Von Teese We can see where shock rocker Marilyn Manson once played. Ew!
12
U
bare their rude bits
A
STRONG breeze, an awkward exit from a taxi, a badly fitted dress, a splash of alcohol…any one or more of these factors can lead to what we in the magazine industry call AN UPSKIRT FLASH. It can happen to any young lady, but when it happens to someone famous, then it is an occasion to be FUCKING CELEBRATED! When that magical moment takes place, there are hundreds of bastard paparazzi on hand to snap the celebrity’s EXPOSED VAGINA, either neatly divided in two by a too-small G-banger riding up the cunt crack or, even better, MINUS UNDERWEAR ALTOGETHER! Come with us now, readers, and enjoy some of the greatest moments in upskirt history. And just pray to fuck that these gals never wise up and start wearing pantsuits like that Hillary Clinton sheila.
Yasmine Lafitte The French actrine gives us the jackpot. Or is that CRACKpot?
Tara Reid Mmmmmm... anyone want a slice of the US starlet’s American Pie?
Britney Spears She’s a Vegas fixture now, n but in ’06 Brit B was a panties-free wild child! c
Kylie Minogue A clear view of the Singing Budgie’s wedgie? Now, THAT’S a hit!
14
Lily Allen Is the London gal singing? We can’t tell, but her lips are moving.
Lindsay Lohan Linds gives her lunchbox a public airing... back when she was famous.
Kirsten Dunst The actress exits a taxi in 2011 while her pussy exits her undies.
PORN WATCH Our no-holes-barred round-up of adult entertainment
RELIEVING
TRIPLE-X TWITTER The cream of the adult film world tell us what (and who) they’re doing!
TENSION DANA VESPOLI is a dirty bitch…and we love her for it! The cum queen has turned her hand to writing and directing flix and her latest lusty effort is the self-explanatory Lesbian Massage. It’s scene after scene of tense naked women climbing onto massage tables while other naked women knead and rub their BUTTOCKS AND BOSOMS till they start to relax, then are overcome with Sapphic passion. After that it’s all fingers, dildos, gaping
cunnies grinding together and MUTUAL ORGASMS. Thankfully, the likes of Brandi Love (right), Kenna James and Dana Dearmond handle this straightforward material – and each other – with professional ease. God knows, Lesbian Massage is so filthy it took us weeks to watch it from start to finish… and our cocks STILL haven’t recovered.
LESBIAN MASSAGE Starring: Brandi Love, Kenna James, Sarah Vandella Made by: Sweetheart Video Release date: out now
Alison Tyler uses her nipple massage technique on Brandi
MEET THE MILF: REAGAN FOXX BORN: December 31, 1975 in Phoenix, Arizona STATS: 34DD-23-34 QUICK FACTS: Once a strict Christian, Reagan has well and truly strayed from the fucking flock. The 40-year-old hornbag only entered the biz in 2016, so she’s technically fresh-faced… although that face is regularly smothered with creamy jism. STARS IN: Never Marry A MILF, Pushing For A New Prescription BEFORE FILMS YOU WERE A WEBCAM GAL, RIGHT? “I was a real estate agent with a sexy secret…I was into swinging. I enjoyed the flirting, being naked at parties, the openminded friends... With webcamming, I knew
‘I have a “NEVER HAVE I EVER”! :) Never have I ever been gone down on by a man with a full-grown beard. :)’ – @HM HollyMichaels
I’d do the things I was doing as a swinger…annd I wouldn’t have to touch anyone and work wh n I wanted. That’s how I got started in 2011.” AND NOW YOU’RE DOING FULL-ON FUCK FILMS. GOT ANY SEXUAL SPECIALTIES? “I can squirt! But it’s not like I can put a canddle out across the room. It’s pretty much right there. I like to ride and I like to grind and I’m told I give great head.” FAVE TYPE OF COCK? “I like the thicker guys. When they’re long and thin, it’s easier for theiir cocks to go down my throat. I have a narrow mouth with my teeth, so it’s harder for me to get a thicker dick in my mouth. But I do like it ’cos I like to see my pussy pulled apart.”
‘I wish everyone would get along. A we’d have a And g giant worldwide o all together.’ orgy – @KissaSins
‘I got new tricks f Kendra Lust’s for m mouth and h ass.’ her – @VickiChase
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NEWS TO US
Our fuckwit Bogdan presents another dose of weirdness
MUD IN YER EYE
OTHER than necking a carton of VB on the couch while watching Davey Warner smash the South Africans in the cricket, we can’t think of anything MORE dinky-di than doing burnouts in a ute in the mud. Which is basically what the annual Deni Ute Muster is ALL about. Straya, mate!
LOVE THY SELF AN ESTONIAN woman has married HERSELF, proving that you don’t need anyone else to make you happy. Crystal Ra Laksmi – who claims to be a “water therapist” – went to Estonia so her inner woman “Crystal” could get hitched to her inner man “Ra”. We just hope she never gets divorced, because sorting out who gets what will be a NIGHTMARE.
LOB-ZILLA! FISHERMEN on the coastline of Bermuda recently snagged themselves a MASSIVE CRAYFISH weighing more than six kilograms. They suspect the giant critter had been disturbed by Hurricane Nicole before it was snagged. Unbelievably, the guys later posted on Facebook that they “caught and released” the Godzillalike lobster. They probably couldn’t find a pot BIG enough to cook it in. Guinness World Records reckons the biggest lobster ever caught weighed 20kg!
This reminds me of o that time I had explosive diarrhoea
He’s head over heels in love with biking
WHEELY FUCKED
WE LIKE to think Italian rider Lorenzo Petrarca was sexting on his mobile during a warm-up session at the 2016 Australian Grand Prix at Phillip Island when he was momentarily distracted by a pic of a fan’s BIG TITS and stacked it! Or not. Either way, we bet it hurt.
You should’ve seen the one that got away
FUCK-OFF FACTS ■ McDonald’s opened its first store Down Under in 1971 in the Sydney suburb of Yagoona. These days, there are more than 900 Maccas stores across Australia. ■ Lobster and crayfish may cost a small fortune
now, but back in the 18th century, the bottomfeeders weres so poorly regarded that one Kentucky pollie wrote, “Lobster shells about a house are looked upon as signs of poverty and degradation.”
McFLYING NOTHING’S more important to a man than his piping hot Maccas Whopper …which is why one motorist was recently clocked going more than 200kph by the
cops! Apparently, it was a race against time getting his hamburger home before it went COLD. Any faster and the dude would have wound up back in the 1950s.
GRAPHIC SAPPHIC The terms “lesbian” and “Sapphic” (see above) both come from the Ancient Greek poetess Sappho, who was born on the isle of Lesbos and wrote about the appeal of young women. There’s some debate among scholars about whether she was gay or just bi.
LICK Everything you need to know about lusty lesbians!
W
E ALL appreciate romantic shots of two pretty ladies kissing on a bridge at sunset …or FISTING EACH OTHER’S BUNGHOLES in a porno. But how much do we really understand about the mysterious world of LESBIANISM? By the time you finish this painstakingly researched story – we spent literally minutes on Wikipedia and Pornhub – we GUARANTEE you’ll be much better informed than you were before. You’ll also be sporting a RAGING TROUSER TROMBONE in need of a polish, and a weird hankering to listen to the INDIGO GIRLS (we recommend their second album).
Popular sex acts in the lesbian community – at least according to the, ahem...instructional videos we’ve seen – include scissoring. This involves two chicky chums interlocking legs and rubbing their vulvas together to orgasm.
Current beaut celebrity dykes include chat-show host Ellenn DeGeneres, X-Men actress Ellen Page, UFC women’s bantamweight champ Am manda Nunes, Aussie model/TVV star Ruby Rose and country crooner kd lang.
LICK
LICK According to a 2015 year-in-review report published by website Pornhub, the No. 1 search term among ALL of their vistors was “lesbian”. Given that they estimate 24% of their traffic to be female, that shows how fascinated blokes are by vadge-diving babes.
Some examples of lesbiotic slang are “gold star” (a chick who’s never been with a dude), “pillow queen” (lass who receives pleasure but won’t give it), “hold a bowling ball” (to rub the thumb and forefinger on the clit and anus) and “funch” (a lunchtime quickie).
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THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE
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GENITALS “DON’T panic – it’s only rare roast beef with a soft-boiled egg inside,” writes Dez via email. “It sure looks like a SPURTING COCK, but. Blame Japanese chain Volcano Kitchen, who wanted their beef soup bowl to include a volcano.” Thanks, Dez…er, we think.
GUYS, thank you for bringing us HOT LITTLE BRUNETTE Hilary (The Harem, Oct. 24). I’m single by choice at the moment after a bad break-up, but I’d be with her TOMORROW if given the chance. Only problem is you’d have to carry a cricket bat to keep the fellas away. What a spunk! TH, Vic Sorry to hear about the nasty split, TH. Hopefully you’ll be back in the game soon. You’re probably right about dating a stunna like Hilary – we reckon it’d be worth any trouble, though.
TRAFFIC COP
LEFT IS RIGHT! WHY the fuck don’t all Aussies keep left on footpaths, staircases, etc.? We drive on the left, so it should be the same for walking in public. I can’t count the number of times when I – and most of my fellow commuters – have been hurrying down the left side of the station stairs to a waiting train when some dickhead has come barging up through the middle of us. Bloody well KEEP LEFT! AG, NSW Gives us the shits, too, mate. And don’t get us started on those groups who think it’s OK to walk SLOWLY, four or five abreast, through the CBD at lunchtime…
26
Send your letters and pics to: The Keeper, c/- Animal House, People magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Or email us at people@ bauer-media.com.au (with Animal House in the subject line).
RAIN MAN
CALL ME ZONDAY
WHEN I worked in an office for a while, we used to get on the computer on Friday arvos and play weird music videos on YouTube. There was this song called Chocolate Rain, and I could never decide if it was genius or garbage. Whatever happened to the guy who sang it? Rhi, SA
ican That guy is Tay Zond (right) and he’s continued c Check making music. m aritone out his ba cover of g lie pop hit Call Me Maybe, also on o ube. As with C ocolate Rain, you won’t ether to know whe love it or ate it, ou’ll Rhi. So yo just play it again like we did.
CINEMA SKIN
THE GIRL
Editor James Cooney News editor Dan Lennard Writers Karl Clifford,Adam Williams Designer-in-chief Tony Halpin Designers Darren Monaghan, Chantelle Galaz Picture editor Bonnie Weigand Editorial co-ordinator Emily Rattenbury National sales manager Patrick Campbell National group sales manager Brigitte Guerin NSW sales director Joanne Clasby Associate publisher Ewen Page Publisher Cornelia Schulze CEO Nick Chan
ON THE GRASS THE missus and I saw that movie The Girl On The Train last weekend. She thought it was a bit slow and a bit silly. I liked it – ESPECIALLY the main actress, Emily Blunt. I couldn’t help wondering if she’d done nudity in the past. Who better to ask than the People people? Marco, NSW You came to the right place, Marco! Lovely Emily has only bared boob on screen a few times. The clearest flash – and therefore our favourite – was in 2004 LESBO ROMANCE My Summer Of Love. Enjoy.
LOONY ’TOON
BAP’N’BUTT BATTLE
DO YOU fellas watch anime? There’s a brand-new series called Keijo!!!!!!!! that might be of interest. It’s about a world where people go mad for a sport (keijo) in which women try to
push each other off platforms into water USING ONLY THEIR BREASTS AND BUTTS. I’ve seen the first ep and it was kinda fun. Keep up the good work. GG via email
Sounds like classic Australian game show It’s A Knockout, GG. Nah, who are we kidding? It was pervy, but not THAT pervy. God bless those crazy Japanese cartoon creators!
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27
JOSIE | 26 | SYDNEY, NSW
in b
bed
Josie got caught red-handed and in the raw!
OSING naked was a very exciting experience for sie. But being T AN in a bed is THER nothing new her. Her most memorable root happened when e was under the sheets in he droom with a young hunk…when
them. But was she embarrassed? Nah, the Sydney lifeguard told h to SS O and got back into it!
SO YOUR mum’s intrusion didn’t stop you getting your root on, Josie? “Only briefly, then I thought, ‘Fuck it!’ So we kept on fucking till I ORGASMED, then I went out and apologised to Mum for being rude. It’s all about priorities, right?” Can’t argue with that. Back to this ace shoot, mate. Did you enjoy posing for us? “Yeah, it was heaps fun. I wouldn’t have been so horny if I WASN’T enjoying myself. I like nude modelling almost as much as I enjoy being a lifeguard.” That sounds like a cool job. Were you inspired to get into it by Baywatch? “Actually, I’m not a fan of the show, although some guys have compared me to Pamela Anderson…when she was much younger, obviously. I’m flattered by the comparison.” Ever dated someone you’ve saved from drowning, mate? “I rescued a German chick from a rip one afternoon, dragged her onto the beach and gave her mouth-to-mouth to revive her. She was so grateful afterwards she wanted to
‘I CAN HAVE MULTIPLE ORGASMS FROM ORAL’ take me back to her backpacker hostel for a THANKYOU FUCK. I had to tell her I don’t swing that way. Shame, ’cos she was cute.” What’s the best thing about the beach lifestyle, ya think? “Sun, surf, SUCKING COCK ON THE BEACH ...I love it all!” So we assume head jobs are your fave sexual activity? “Actually, I prefer receiving oral – I have a VERY SENSITIVE CLIT, so I can cum very quickly. If a guy stays down there for any length of time, I’ll have multiple orgasms.” But you always repay him afterwards? “Absolutely – fair’s fair. Besides, I love the taste of spoof and I ALWAYS swallow – it’s my little reward for a job well done!” One last Baywatch question. Would you blow David Hasselhoff? “Nah, but I’d probably go The Rock, who’s in the Baywatch film remake.”
NOVEMBER 21, 2016
CENTREFOLD
SWALLOW …IT’S MY REWARD FOR A JOB WELL DONE’
WIN
$1000 BY MODELLING IN PEOPLE See pg63 for details
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ENTER TO WIN! Fill in your name and address together with a completed and correct Beast crossword grid and post to: The Beast No. 24, c/ – People magazine, GPO Box 5507, Sydney, NSW 2001. Entries close on Friday, December 9 at 5pm.
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NAME: ADDRESS:
POSTCODE:
PHONE:
114
FORTNIGHTLY!
Solve the clues of this crossword and release our bloke from the clutches of The Beast. The clues set in a different typeface are all related to the enslaved star pictured in the centre of the puzzle.
ACROSS 1. Ketchup (6,5) 6. Stipulations in contract 10. School principals 15. & 142 across. Hot Pursuit actress (Pic A) who plays a fashion designer engaged to our bloke in the film at 144 across even though she is already married (5,11) 17. Pre-euro French currency 18. Dozing 19. Enticed 20. Our bloke enjoyed a three-episode stint on Will & – as Will’s closeted sportscaster boyfriend 21. Fred Astaire movie musical, Top – 22. & 45 across. Pic B actress who stays the night at our bloke’s apartment at the insistence of his daughter after she falls out of a fairytale kingdom into New York City’s Times Square in the film at 5 down (3,5) 23. Get up late (5,2) 26. Surround 27. Running chores 29. Laminated plastic 30. Pays attention 32. Lobo hit, Me And – Dog Named Boo (3,3,1) 34. Family vehicle 35. Pic C actress who had a one-night stand with our bloke and eventually married him in the show at 24 down, – Pompeo 36. Seek damages from a person/body 37. Kings Of Leon song, – Somebody
38. Aromatic spice 42. Medieval romance starring James Franco, Tristan & – 44. Trim (branches) 45. See 22 across 46. Bullring cheer 48. Refills (4,2) 50. Flees with lover 52. Fast & Furious actor, – Diesel 53. Captain America’s alter ego, – Rogers 56. Raises (the ante) 57. Small warship 60. Disappearing 63. Angry audience cry 64. Self-pride 65. Eccentric person 68. Song from Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Any Dream – (4,2) 70. Hankering 72. Reactionary bigot 74. Fugitive 76. Go-ahead 78. Beethoven’s – To Joy 80. Bank clerks 83. National Lampoon actress, Beverly – (1’6) 86. Measure of resistance 88. Neve Campbell slasher film with our bloke as Detective Mark Kincaid, – 3 89. Our bloke made his movie debut in the school-age comedy – Help Us 90. Kid 92. Crescent 93. Take turns 94. Graceland singer (4,5) 96. Ram’s mate 97. Nat King Cole hit, It’s – Paper Moon (4,1) 100. Hair product 101. Our bloke has competed in this 24-hour car race, and obtained a second place in 2015 (2,4)
The August 29 winner is J. George of Millbank, Qld.
DOWN 1. Revolving entrance gates 2. More submissive 3. Gentleness 4. Pulp Fiction actress, – Thurman 5. Live-action/animated fantasy romcom starring our bloke as a modern day Prince Charming 6. Our bloke played a nerd in the high school comedy – Buy Me Love (3’1) 7. Snow-covered peak 8. Island nation, – Lanka 9. Long story 10. John Cleese comedy, Monty Python And The – (4,5) 11. Demeanour 12. Popular nickname of our bloke’s character in the show at 24 down 13. Electronic messages 14. Lucky dip 16. Lapsed 20. Abdicates, – the throne (5,2)
Sept. 12 Beast solution page 38
24. Long-running TV series set in Seattle Grace Hospital that starred our bloke for 11 seasons (4’1,7) 25. Get it wrong 28. Spirit meeting 29. Antechambers 31. Alighting (8,4) 33. Our bloke plays this type of specialist in the series at 24 down 39. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie action comedy, Mr & – Smith 40. Spaces (between) 41. Romcom starring our bloke as a playboy who falls in love with his best friend but is relegated to her bridal party when she is betrothed to another, – Of Honour 42. Groove Armada tune, – You Baby (1,3) 43. Or near offer (1,1,1) 44. Comedy starring our bloke as a college slacker who is forced by his father to come home and get a job 47. Sully director, Clint – 49. & 83 down. Our bloke (7,7) 51. Our bloke appears in the spin-off series to his show at 24 down after his ex-wife seeks his help, – Practice 54. Violation 55. Our bloke has a role in this star-studded romantic comedy about intertwining couples and singles in Los Angeles breaking up and making up (9’1,3) 58. Mix 59. Actor who plays the title role in Marvel’s Ant-Man, Paul – 61. Petticoat 62. Petty (gossip) 66. – Zellweger (Pic D) hooks up with our bloke after an Ed Sheeran concert in Bridget Jones’s Baby 67. Freddy Krueger horror flick, A Nightmare – Street (2,3) 68. Australian batsman, Steve – 69. One-eyed female pilot in Futurama 71. Jake Gyllenhaal crime thriller, – Of Watch 73. Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott
movie comedy, Dude, Where’s My –? 75. Vast expanse 77. Excited squeal 78. Our bloke is infected by a deadly virus in the medical disaster film starring Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo and Morgan Freeman 79. House sellers (6,6) 80. Horse pace 81. Animal den 82. Holstered weapon (4,3) 83. See 49 down 84. Snake-like fish 85. Reproductive cell 86. Kylie Minogue hit from her album Light Years, – This (2,1,5,4) 87. Pic E actress who plays our bloke’s best friend in the film at 41 down, – Monaghan 91. Rhombus 95. Ventures 97. Scandinavian city 98. Leases 99. Sector 102. The Fountainhead author, – Rand 104. Inordinately 109. Threaded onto cord 111. War heroes’ gongs 112. 1997 Bill Murray comedy about a man mistaken for a spy, The – Too Little (3,3,4) 114. Political hype 115. Food-infecting insect 117. Interview With The Vampire actor (Pic F) who stars alongside our bloke in the crime film Mobsters, – Slater 119. Reprint old issue 120. Biographers 122. Flood-control sacks 123. Jane Fonda drama, – Syndrome (3,5) 124. Dictator 127. Screening venue 131. Action film starring our bloke as a wealthy car collector who is secretly working with the Decepticons, Transformers: Dark Of The – 132. Our bloke earned an Emmy nomination for his recurring role in – And Again 135. Wedding vow (1,2) 137. Double-crosser 138. Multitude 140. Point gun
See page 40 for terms and conditions and the privacy notice. Send the completed Beast to us by the closing date. All correct entries will go into a draw and the first drawn will win $250.
BRAIN N GAMESS BR RAIN GAM MES BRA AIN N GAM MES BRAIN GAM MES
WIN $250
103. Rewrite on machine 105. Beer barrel 106. Wood-shaping device 107. Golf ball holder 108. Nevertheless (4,2) 110. Quantity 112. George Clooney and Matt Damon biopic, The Monuments – 113. Mischievous sprite 116. US film award 118. Character played by our bloke in the medical drama series at 24 down, Dr – Shepherd 121. Lies cosily 123. Naval missile 125. Approaching 126. Export secretly 128. Nourished too much 129. Munching 130. The Hateful Eight actor, – Roth 132. Tawny bird 133. Baby’s disposable garment 134. Courtroom defence 136. Roman galley slaves 139. Baghdad native 141. Flight of geese 142. See 15 across 143. Distinguished 144. Our bloke loses the girl to Josh Lucas in the 2002 romantic comedy Sweet – (4,7)
MAXI
OZ’S BIGGEST X-WORD
Unoiled noise Fodder
Beer
Abysmal
Song
Upon Terraced garden
Large bird
Groups Yuletide
Fah, ~, lah
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Bias
Squad
Snowy Killer peak whale The P of RPM Dots
Cavalry weapons
Small church
Nicosia is there
Tiddly
Petrol rating
Rug
Aspect
Atmosphere
Indication
Judge
Pronto (1,1,1,1)
Food tin
News exclusive
Award Lords Camera glass
Drags
Lavish Zeros Rip
Twitch
Compo- Steeple sition tips
Stern
Mouth Scraped sore (leaves) Built
African river Hanker
Taxi
Splash Tiredness (through)
Gloomy
Grind down
Reclines Surety
Clear
Dally
Gaelic speaker Nobody Dress-up Tit for ~ (2-3) toy
The O of SOS Nipple
Lookalike
Laundry Diverts pin
Honk Freighter (horn) 24 hours
Ploy
Figure
to 36 inches Used be
Quarried Residents
Now Oily fish Thailand
Paradise
Expensive
Fact
Pakistani British city coin
Foundation
Quiz
Formerly
Podium Off-limits
Toupee
Raven’s cry
Bene- Subfactor division
Toilet Genuine bowl
Fellow Serpent
Aquatic mammal
Defame Embroider
Disquiet Servant French no
Piano Disprove adjuster Summa- Swivel rise
Interested Writer, in Roald ~
Terms of affection
~ Paulo Poem Chaps
Fibber Mutineer
Dutch cheese
Jeer
Picturesque
Bengal big cat
Debts
Disfigures
Bragged
On no Hoax occasion
Had (to)
Gamble
Grabs Tier
Dull
Failure
Sifts
Shelled Droplet gastropod Grants citizenship to
Scarlet
Exhaust Liveliness
Biblical prayer Boost (3,2)
Toddler Army Evaluate path(4,2) finder Wimbledon sport Register
Gawkiest Gravitated Gushes (towards)
Yuck!
Spanish cheer
Sequence Veer
Accepts Rooms
Of the nose
Archives areas
Location California’s Inter ~ Diego
Disrobes Immediately Arrange- Griddle ments cake (3-3)
Elaborate
Barrel
Pairs Warders Thine Unrefined
Stings
Hammer (in)
Preventing
Carton
Brightest Drilling star platform
Craving Destroys Artefacts Panic Approach Native NZ Murdered people
Deposit
Wheat spike ExterStretch of minate land Mythical Regard smugly
Offcuts Flattened
Jet-bath Succumbs
Movie examiners Progressed
Deplete Slump Astern
Nuts
Phrases Trench
HalfPlant tub diameters
Routine overhaul (5-2)
Absentee check (4,4) Previous (3-4)
Tuscan Saga Gull mansions relatives
Paraffin
Sardonic As well Autos as Voice type
Garlands
Bawl
You (poetic)
Ajar
Pasta tubes To ~ is Night human before Lair Hee-haw Summons
Perform
Paddle Influenza
Nickel & ~ Nourished
Anger
Country’s interior
Fluke (3-3)
Amuse
Further Printed
Afflict
Less polite Abscond
City, ~ Vegas
Molecules
Desert spring
Veteran Jogged
Reminder
Office casuals
Slope
Hubbub Mineral
SwalAmerica Rodent lowed (1,1,1) Letters Count (on)
The L of LA Famous volcano Child US Chums restraint university Punctuation mark
Shoes
Slurp
Thin cushion
Skewered Helps
Shrill bark Some
Surprised Telepathy Deities (1,1,1) Mound
Engrave Control knob
Double
Queasy
Electric fish
Papas
Lower
Hillock
~ & outs
Pig’s Annoying home
Appeared to be
Import Exploits Hotshot duty Lazed Costly
Power point
Irish county
Young stallions
Reached maximum Succulent Readjust- Cudgels ed
Shake-up
Levis
Halley’s ~ Destinies
Swear
Flower Play patch (with)
Tag
Jewel
Seoul, South ~ Highs & ~ Torches Maize
Mimic Pseudonym (3,4) Round Fill-in Cries loaf Solicitous Grasscutters
Cripple
Herb garnish
Survive Attraction (3,2)
Topple
Profit
~& Dog, ~ females retriever Toasts
Sect
Psychotic
Cover Noah’s with gold boat
Gals
Genders Dine late Cheerily Inflexible Hive- Lump of Fitting dweller turf
Ambition Menagerie Missile Swiss chamber capital Subside
Ridiculous
Correspond
Edition
Mortals Snooty people
Rascals
Artificial Contricurl bution
Vixens Goodbye
Rock concert Elevated
Pen points Outmoded
Legume
Cheeky Castrate
Mellow
Tilt
Drug raids
Carried Portion
Observed Gosh!
Cloth flap
Parcel
Balkan Discounts republic (5,4)
Hushhush
Delete Felt hat
Prickle Troubles
Prohibit Stubborn beasts
Gleeful
Glacial material
Slide
Oxen feet Italian dish ~ & crafts
Coagulate
Youth
Ho Chi ~ City
Thrills
Black eye
Delved
Bitter
0.4047 hectares
Eyeball covering Shore
Triumph
Thus
Juries Et cetera
Greeted Polecat
Worries Stopped
Greek sea Apiece
Petty details
Ashes Antlered jars
Marquee
Anxious (2,4)
Declined ~ & tonic
Iced Smears dessert
Gibe
Gambol
Disobey Sprite
Festive Irrational song fear
Furrow
Coal vein
Gleams
Stall Aggrieved
Classifieds
Smacks
Bladder
Massage Wackier
Deer
I am, we ~
Dauntless
Funeral Parodies toll
Self- Shady tree image Informs Armed Nursery rhyme, conflict Humpty ~ Lamb’s mother
Internal
Wan
1000gram units
Skilled
Picnic pest Idiot
Finish
Gene acid (1,1,1)
Chiefs ~ River, Grande
~& gutters
Eyrie bird Wood Attendant shavings ~ de plume Joyrides Uneasily
Adjudicator
Easter gift
Bounder
Perfect Due time (1,1,1)
Happen Vexes
Paper Hotels fasteners
BRAIN N GAMESS BR RAIN GAM MES BRA AIN N GAM MES BRAIN GAM MESS
Fully satisfy
Ethnically
Curbs Squid fluid Drenched Object West Indies’ Puerto ~
Pleased Main Bother Fervour artery
Pressed Resound
Steel strand
Word play Trades college Bewilder Cow sound
TURN PAGE FOR ENTRY DETAILS SEE PAGE 40 FOR TERMS & CONDITIONS
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WIN $150
FORTNIGHTLY! The clues in bold relate to a famous film – the picture gives you a hint which one. The first correct entry drawn after the closing date wins the cash!
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ACROSS 1. Singing group 4. Beer factory 8. Knock to ground 11. Film-of-the-book, The Great –
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12. Refugee singer, Tom – 15. See 46 down 18. “From the – to the ridiculous” 19. Introductory 20. Australian track champion, Cathy – 21. With 17 down, Toby Howard (5,4) 23. Detest 28. Grease star, – Newton-John 29. Martini garnishes 30. With 35 & 36 down. This week’s film (4,2,4,5) 31. West Indian music 32. Not drunk 39. Drug addicts 41. Fantasise 42. Psych-pop group, The – Lips
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DOWN 1. Zoo enclosures 2. Halloween month 3. Mystic River actor, Tim – 5. Criticism 6. Moist 7. Actor, – Liotta 8. US Everglades state 9. Largest bird 10. Rustic 13. Bruce Lee kung-fu film, – The Dragon
27. Antonio Banderas swashbuckler, The Mask Of –
33. Hip-hop legends, – Boys 34. Canberra NRL team
P
35. See 30 across 36. See 30 across 37. Queen hit, Fat Bottomed – 38. Tennis ace, – Sampras 39. Get one’s gear off 40. Blocking out of the sun 42. Catalogued 44. The Expendables actor, – Couture 46. With 15 across, Tanner Howard (3,6) 47. Everything 48. Moral crime
MOVIECROSS ENTRY COUPON Solve the Moviecross correctly and you could win $150! Send the completed crossword to: Moviecross No. 24, c/– People magazine, PO Box 5536, Sydney, NSW 2001.
NAME:
43. Little child 45. Message 46. Military leaders, top – 49. Killing tool 50. Actions 51. Ashes Test cricket side 52. Sleazy
14. Pamela Anderson’s ex, – Lee 16. With 24 down, Marcus Hamilton (4,7) 17. See 21 across 21. Apparel 22. Embroil 24. See 16 down 25. Bacon slices 26. Escapologist, – Houdini
ADDRESS:
POSTCODE:
PHONE:
Moviecross entries close December 9. Answers to be printed Jan. 30, 2017. Winner to be printed February 13. See page 40 for T&Cs and the privacy notice.
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#24 NOV. 21 MOVIECROSS
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TERMS & CONDITIONS Entry is open to residents of Australia aged 15 years and over. Employees of the Promoter and their immediate families and agencies associated with this promotion are ineligible to enter. Entrants under the age of 18 years must have prior parental or legal guardian consent to enter. This issue’s Beast/Moviecross/Swirl-A-Sleb promotion opens November 7 and closes December 9.The draw will take place at Bauer Media, 54 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000 on December 16 at 11am (AEST/AEDST when applicable).Winners will be notified by mail using the contact details on their entries and their names will be published in People magazine on February 13, 2017. This issue’s Maxi promotion opens October 24 and closes December 23.The draw will take place at Bauer Media, 54 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000 on January 6, 2017 at 11am (AEST/AEDST).The winner will be notified by mail using the contact details given in their entry and their name will be published in People magazine on January 30. The judges’ decision is final and binding on all who enter and no correspondence will be entered into. Enter by correctly completing the relevant crossword/puzzle during the promotional period found in the relevant issue of People magazine and sending the completed coupon to the appropriate address as follows: Beast: The Beast No. 24, c/- People magazine, PO Box 5507, Sydney, NSW 2001. Moviecross: Moviecross No. 24, c/- People magazine, PO Box 5536, Sydney, NSW 2001. Swirl-A-Sleb: Swirl-A-Sleb No. 24, c/- People magazine, PO Box 5536, Sydney, NSW 2001. Maxi: Maxi – November, c/- People magazine, PO Box 5508, Sydney, NSW 1181. Please see Bauer Media Privacy notice below. Full terms and conditions can be found at www.bauer-media.com.au/terms/competition-terms. The Promoter is Bauer Media Pty Ltd (ABN 18 053 273 546) of 54 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000. Phone: (02) 9282 8000. Authorised under permit number: NSW: LTPM/16/00605.
SWIRL-A-SLEB 1
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FORTNIGHTLY!
2
SOMEONE has taken these celebs and messed with their heads. Can you unswirl their faces and identify them? First correct entry drawn after the closing date wins $100!
HINT: Is this Pom comedienne bothered?
3
HINT: Aussie suspended from tennis tour.
4
1 2 3 4 Clip out this coupon – OR PHOTOCOPY THIS PAGE – and send to: Swirl-A-Sleb No. 24, c/– People, PO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001.
NAME: ADDRESS: POSTCODE:
HINT: Crusty folkie and Nobel Prize winner.
HINT: Russki model dating Bradley Cooper.
PHONE:
Swirl-A-Sleb entries close December 9. Answers to be printed Jan. 30, 2017. Winner to be printed February 13. See page 40 for terms and conditions and the privacy notice.
SIGN LANGUAGE
Personally, I hate saucy puns
Bad puns can be good for the bottom linnee
A
BEAUT name on the an front of a store ca biz. make or break a b For example, if you ed see a used car dealer calle Dodgy Motors you’ll run a mile. And owner Dick Dodgy will w never understand why. alle ed But a fish’n’chip shop ca kingg The Codfather? That’s fuck s gold, man. You’ll have puntters lined up around the cornerr e ordering a piece of flake while out chortling to each other abo the store’s witty name. For the brainbox owners of est The Codfather – and the re of the businesses on this of spread – having a CENTS o g humour can lead to making loads of DOLLARS.
44
How to traumatise a generation of kids with one simple sign
They’re perfect for HEAVY loads
So that’s where he got that box of chocolates
They’re tryinng too take a rise out of us
WIN!
FUNNY SHIT
$20 LETTERS there’s one thing I hate, it’s a woman who’s a tease.” ET, NSW
JOKES Twisted telly
A HILLSONG preacher checked into a hotel on the Gold Coast. At the front desk, he said curtly to the receptionist, “I hope the porn channel is disabled.” An old woman standing in the line behind him turned to her husband and whispered, “Dear God! It’s unbelievable what some people are into.” Annie, Vic
Original sin
TWO blokes were talking in a pub. One said, “I don’t understand it. I’m Church Of England and you’re Catholic. I’m allowed to practise birth control but you, as a Catholic, are not. Yet I have eight kids and you have none. How come?” The Catholic said, “It’s because I only do it during the safe period.” “Really? When’s that?” “When you’re out at work.” SP, Qld
Doctor strange
BEST A DOCTOR received a call from a concerned female patient who JOKE said, “I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” “Are you light-headed?” the GP asked. “No,” she replied. “I’m a brunette.” “Hmmmmmmmm…” mused the doctor. “Any other symptoms?” “Yes,” replied the patient. “I keep having visions of the future.” “When did these start?” “Next Thursday.” James, WA
A SPACESHIP crashed on Earth, but two green, glowing aliens survived the impact and staggered off to find a way to repair their damaged craft. They walked for miles through forests and fields before they finally reached the outskirts of Sydney. Stopping at an intersection, they began to shake and moan at the sight of a green traffic light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to amber, then to red. One of the aliens turned to the other and said disgustedly, “Let’s get out of here. If
THE GAG REEL
46
Finder’s fee A BALDING man went into a fancy hairdressing salon and asked how much it would be for a straight haircut. The hairdresser sneered, “That will be $125, sir.” “Did you say $125?” spluttered the man. “That’s crazy! I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?” The hairdresser explained, “It’s $25 for the actual cut and $100 for the search fee.” xx Send your gags to Funny Shit, c/- People, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001, or email it to
[email protected] (include Funny Shit in the subject line).
Light comedy Q. HOW many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but the guy needs a nurse to tell him which end to screw in. VH, Qld
Seeing red
$50 PICTURES
Word play
“TOMORROW morning,” begins the primary school teacher, “we’ll be having an English lesson and the word we’ll be studying is ‘probably’. When you go home tonight I want you to think of a sentence that shows you understand the meaning of this word.” The next morning, the teacher asks Jack to use “probably” in a sentence. “Last night, my father came into my bedroom just as I was going to bed,” the student says. “He was PROBABLY going to tell me a story.”
“Very good, Jack!” exclaims the teacher. “Now, it’s your turn, Bridget.” “Last night, my mother entered the bathroom while I was having my bath,” the student says. “She was PROBABLY going to dry me with a towel.” “That’s excellent, Bridget! OK, let’s hear from you, Lil’ Johnny.” He stands and says, “Yesterday, my older sister was getting lessons at home from her piano teacher. Suddenly, the music stopped, so I quietly snuck into the room. The piano teacher had his trousers round his ankles and my sister had her dress pulled up above her waist. They were PROBABLY going to shit in the piano.” HB, Tas
On notice
A COUPLE who were also in the insurance business took some holidays and towed
The best one-liners from professional jokers
DAN NATURM MAN
NICK HELM ELM
“I’ve never understood the concept of the gift certificate because for the same $50, my friend could have gotten me $50.”
“The other day, I weent to KFC. I didn’t know Kentuckyy had a football club.”
ANDREW LAWRENCE ‘I RECKON PORN GIVES KIDS AN UNREALISTIC IDEA OF WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A PLUMBER’
their caravan into the country. They stopped in a seemingly quiet caravan park and set up camp. Their plan was to spend two weeks reading, relaxing and rooting. But they found their plans constantly being sabotaged by neighbouring holidaymakers, who kept coming round to ask for milk and sugar, or wanting to stand around and natter for hours. Finally, the couple got so fed up with the interruptions that they pinned a notice to the door of the caravan. Immediately, their fellow campers left them alone. It read, “Insurance agents inside. Ask about our life insurance package.” Don, Vic
CAUGHT IN THE NET
FOR MORE FUNNY PICS, GO TO FACEBOOK.COM/AUSSIEPEOPLE
Weighty issue Q. What’s the ideal weight for a politician? A. About one kilogram, including the urn. Bruce, WA
The christening services in this church must be pretty wild.
Hell’s belle
A GRAND funeral is ordered for a woman who henpecked her husband, drove her kids batty with her nagging, fought with the neighbours on a daily basis and even sent the pet Siamese cat queer with her bizarre temper tantrums. It’s a grey, overcast day when the casket is lowered into the grave. Suddenly, a violent thunderstorm begins and the pastor’s final words are drowned out by terrific thunder accompanying the blinding lightning flashes. This goes on for some time and the husband eventually mutters, “Well, at least we know the bitch got there alright.” NDP, WA
That’ll teach him for stealing that car park spot.
Paying the price
“THE doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks,” said Ryan grimly. “And did he?” asked Robbie. “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.” Drew, Vic
Doesn’t add up
A BUSINESS owner tells her friend over drinks that she’s desperately searching for an accountant. “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” the friend asks. “Yeah, that’s the bloody accountant I’m searching for.” Dee, SA
He must have been rolling in hay.
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AERIES | GOLD COAST, QLD | THE HAREM, SEPTEMBER 16, 2013
This or th dess w ree- as gam way e n!
‘I HOOKED UP A MONTH AGO WITH THIS AMERICAN CHICK’ 49
MAMMARY L AERIES | GOLD COAST, QLD | THE HAREM, SEPTEMBER 16, 2013
WITH TWO GUYS’
FEMME FACTS FOR someone so young, Aeries was sexually experienced …with guys and gals. But she was keen to broaden her horizons and bed celebs: “It’s definitely a toss-up between Ryan Gosling and Channing Tatum. I wouldn’t want to choose though. Can’t I have both together? That’d be even better.” Aeries also wanted to “give double penetration a go, two dicks in one hole”.
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IMPORTANT! Send entries to: Win!, c/- People magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Entries close 5pm, Friday, December 9.
WIN STUFF!
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEB Bounty Films, rated MA, out now, RRP: $15.95 (DVD) What’s the guts? When the world goes to shit – well, Portland, Maine to be exact – and zombies rise from the grave, quirky Deb isn’t particularly worried. She’s more concerned about hanging onto Ryan, a drunken one-night stand who just might be the love of her life…if they don’t get their
brains eaten first by the hungry undead. Anything else? The trouble is Ryan comes from a snooty rich family, who don’t take kindly to Deb’s oddball ways, especially when their escape plan involves a helicopter with a limited number of seats. Not only that, but Ryan’s dad (played by the very entertaining Ray Twin Peaks Wise) has a dirty
secret: it’s the chemical waste pumped out by his company that caused the undead plague. And when Deb finds out, he’s determined to silence her. Add to this scenario Ryan’s jealous ex-girlfriend – suddenly, surviving the zombie holocaust could be the least of Deb’s problems. Final word: Rom-zom-com is the bomb!
THE gutsmunching guys’n’ghouls at Bounty Films have sent us FIVE DVDs for this giveaway. To enter, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE the weirdest meat you’ve eaten. The five most mouthwatering answers will win a DVD. Mark entries “Night Of The Living Deb comp”.
WIN!
Gridlocked Eagle Entertainment, rated MA, out Nov. 9, RRP: $24.95 (DVD/Blu-ray) What’s the guts? Ex-SWAT leader David Hendrix has been handed a shit assignment, babysitting spoilt, pampered celebrity Brody Walker, who has to ride with the cops as part of his probation. It’s a case of hate at first sight. But when the police training facility where Hendrix is based comes under attack by a gang of mercs, it’s up to this oddball duo to rescue the survivors and take down the bad guys. Unless they kill each other first. Anything else? This interesting take on the cop buddy film features an interesting cast including Aussie actor Dominic Purcell, former soccer hard man Vinnie Jones, ex-WWE wrestler Trish Stratus and Lethal Weapon star Danny Glover. Final word: ’Locked and loaded. THERE are FIVE copies of Gridlocked up for grabs, courtesy of our friends at Eagle. For a chance to win, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE which celeb you’d like to spend the night with (platonically, that is). The five most interesting answers will get a DVD. Mark your entries “Gridlocked comp”.
The Sound Of Summer
Black Sabbath:
By Jim Maxwell Allen & Unwin, out now, RRP: $39.99 What’s the guts? The cricket season is upon us and what’s another summer of willow smacking leather if it isn’t accompanied by the warm, comforting voice of Jim Maxwell on ABC Radio? The legend’s been behind the mike since 1973 and has covered more than 285 Test matches. Anything else? In his brilliant memoir, Jim discusses his life and remarkable 43-year commentating career, as well as darker moments like the stroke he suffered while commentating at the Rio Olympics this year.Written with warmth, humour and passion, his book proves why many consider Jim the voice of Aussie cricket. Final word: 43 not out!
The Ultimate Collection
WE’RE giving away THREE copies, thanks to our mates at Allen & Unwin. To get yours, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE your fave cricket memory. The three most nostalgic answers will get a book. Mark your entries “The Sound Of Summer comp”.
WIN!
Warner Music Australia, out now, RRP: $19.99 What’s the guts? They are the godfathers of heavy metal and, long before Ozzy Osbourne became a shambling joke on a reality TV show, Black Sabbath were making kids rock out while causing their uptight parents to FREAK OUT. For the past 45 years, the authorities have worried that dark tunes like Iron Man, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, War Pigs and Am I Going Insane would drive teens to acts of murder and mayhem. They couldn’t have been more wrong – and Black Sabbath: The Ultimate Collection is a testament to the legendary hard rock band’s greatness. Hey, 75 million records sold and being inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame proves it.
WIN!
Anything else? Rolling Stone magazine said Sabbath’s Paranoid album “changed music forever” while Time magazine called it “the birthplace of heavy metal”. Rolling Stone also described Black Sabbath as “The Beatles of heavy metal”. Listen to the 31 tracks on this collection and you’ll agree with them. Final word: Once you go Black, you never go back! RAWWWWK!!!
THE heavy metal heroes at Warner Music Australia have sent us FIVE CDs for this comp. To enter, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE the best Sabbath tune you’ve heard. The five blackest answers will score a CD. Mark your entries “Black Sabbath comp”.
MODEL CITIZENS Where local girls do their nude duty!
TRACEY | Collingwood
LEIGH | ydney
RUBY | Bibra Lake
SIENN
iami
JADE | Perth
16 nude babes from your ’hood!
PICS BY IDARE PHOTOGRAPHY
‘YEAH AUNT TOTA ROOTAB E’
DESTINY | 22 Myponga | SA What has been the BEST thing abou 2016, matey? “Probably that I’ve scored more shifts at work.” How do you earn the moolah? “I work in nursing. I get a lot out of helping others.” When did you last take a holiday? “I went to Perth and partied hard with my aunty.” Is she highly rootable? “Yeah, she’s TOTALLY rootable.” Have you ever had a threesome, sweet Destiny? “I had a FOURSOME with two other gals and a fella.”
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LAYLA | 25 Sydney | NSW What do you look for in a guy? “All I want is a big loyal COCK – and I prefer fatter to longer.” Do you have any particular bedroom skills, Layla? “My blowjobs are famous ’cos I can deep-throat.” Have you ever fucked a stranger? “Who hasn’t? Everyone’s a stranger when you first meet them.” True. Would you go for it again? “Yes.” What do you find extremely sexy in other women? “Small boobs with nipple piercings are pretty hot.”
‘I’M PRETTY GOOD AT BAREFOOT BOWLS’
PICS BY IDARE PHOTOGRAPHY (2)
SIENNA | 29 Miami | QLD Tell us something random about yourself, Sienna. “I’m English and have been living Down Under for six years now.” Have you picked up any dinky-di Aussie habits? “I’m pretty good at barefoot bowls and played beer pong the other day.” True blue! What else? “I surf and do pole-dancing for fun.” Noice. Where’d you learn that? “At Pineapple Dance Studios in London.” Are you getting shagged heaps? “When my boyfriend’s around we go pretty hard.”
SCARLETT | 26 Adelaide | SA Walk us through the People magazine process, Scarlett. “I saw an advert posted online and thought, ‘You know what? I’m going to try it!’” Did you tell a few girlfriends? “Nope – I didn’t tell ANYONE. I just showed up and did it!” Champion! And how was it? “Afterwards I was like, ‘Yeah, I could do this AGAIN.’ It was heaps good.” What do you do with yourself? “I’m a stay-at-home mum.” Love yer work, you yummy mummy! “I’d like to study and get back into the workplace at some stage, but.”
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MODEL CITIZENS
PICS BY LES DWIGHT
TATT’S AWESOME!
RUBY | 24 Bibra Lake | WA What’s the newest addition to your tatts? “The one above my left tit. It’s a rose, diamond and a crown.” We like it! Are you something of a party animal? “I’m a chaotic character and often don’t get home until daybreak.” Crikey! Do you sleep all day then? “I usually sleep until 2pm, then get up. I HATE missing out on the day.” Have you ever copped a rogue spoof shot? “I had a guy cum in my eye once. I washed it out before Googling to see if it caused pink eye.” And? “It doesn’t.”
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‘I HAD A GUY CUM IN MY EYE ONCE’
‘I’VE HAD PLENTY OF SEX IN COSTUME’
LEIGH | 30 Sydney | NSW What does summer mean to you? “Beers in the sun and listening to loud music.” While scantily clad, we presume? “Is there any other way?” Nope! Got any getaway plans? “I’m planning a three-month drive around the country…or however far three months gets me.” Where will this journey begin? “In Melbourne – and then right up the east coast and beyond!” Beaut stuff! Can we come? We can cook for ya ’n’ that. “Sorry, this campervan is for ladies only. Well, mostly.”
RIVER | 23 Sydney | NSW If you could be any animal what would it be? “I’d love to say lion or cheetah, but realistically I’d probably be a house cat.” We’d still give you a pat! “Lazing about and getting scratched behind the ears sounds GREAT.” Are you a cool or messy drunk? “I’m pretty cool…although everyone else would probably disagree.” Have you ever had sex in costume? “Plenty of times. I love it.” What’s your absolute favouritest fictional character? Little Red Riding Hood, probably.”
MODEL CITIZEN JADE | 25 Perth | WA Did you cop any bites on the bum during your photo shoot? “We shot out in my backyard and LUCKILY I didn’t get any ant bites.” Are you allergic to stuff like that? “I swell up pretty bad when I’m stung by bees.” Tell us the strangest critter that’s ever sunk its teeth into you. “An anaconda, while I was in South Africa. It was pretty scary but I laughed it off.” Speaking of snakes…what was the biggest knob you’ve enjoyed? “It was about twice the size of my index finger and about three of them put together, width-wise.” Faaaark! Do you move out of the way when dicks spurt their love? “Sometimes I dodge the cum shot... other times I’ll go on the attack and have a bit of fun with it.”
‘LUCKILY I DIDN’T GET ANY ANT BITES’
PICS BY LES DWIGHT
FIT AS!
JESSICA | 26 Darwin | NT
PIC BY LES DWIGHT
Have you ever been screwed in your stockings? “Yeah, I had sex in them just recently.” Was it more for him or were youse both into it? “I get off on what gets the guy off. I love it all.” What’s the best position to enjoy a gal in attire like that? “Doggy or missionary…but the view’s going to be great no matter what.” Do you prefer guys to cum on or IN you, buddy? “In.” Is a GOOD, HARD FUCK a great stress-reliever, Jessica? “Oh yeah – and I’m stressed a lot, so I need A LOT of sex.”
‘I HAD SEX IN MY STOCKINGS RECENTLY’
MODEL CITIZENS
RETRO CITS!
GABRIELLA, 24 Melbourne, VIC
November 16, 2009
WANNA shag Gabi? Here’s how: “Start by buying me a nice glass of white wine.” And once you’ve wooed her, ask for head: “I ALWAYS want oral sex and I’m happy to stay on the giving end.”
CHARLIE, 25
Melbourne, VIC
November 16, 2009
WE LOVED Charlie’s open attitude to shagging, even if it didn’t always work out: “I’ve tried anal and can think of more fun and comfortable things to do during sex.”
MINX, 26 Perth, WA
July 26, 2010 MINX loves it KINKY: “I’m into BDSM and have been to some wild fetish parties. I once met a guy who used me as his SEX SLAVE.”
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SOOKI, 20 Ballina, NSW July 4, 2011
DAKOTA, 22
Brisbane, QLD
November 16, 2009
DAKOTA loved her tits being played with, front AND back: “I like being taken hard from behind. It feels good, especially when he reaches around to grab my boobs.”
If you think Sooki LOOKS alternative, that’s ’cos she IS! “I wash my hair with soap, tea-tree and eucalyptus.” We prefer washing ours with BEER …but only when we’re out of shampoo.
SHARNIE, 21 Cairns, QLD
July 26, 2010 IF YOU’RE going to make Sharnie TRAVEL for sex, at least be a good root: “I met a guy online. It was a four-hour return trip and he was pretty shit. He talked himself up BIG-TIME.”
MODEL CITIZENS
TRACEY | 24 Collingwood | VIC You look waaaaay too SAUCY to be an accountant, Tracey. “It’s not all numbers at work – there’s A LOT of sex going on at my desk, too.” That’s a horny thought. “I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve stayed back later and rooted. Office sex has always turned me on.” What’s your best skill? “Probably blowjobs…I’ve been giving head for years and think I’ve nailed it perfectly now.” What’s your technique? “I feel using hands is a cop-out. Half the fun for a man is the visual – and every guy likes to see a hot girl hanging off his dick with her mouth.” Yes, we do. So how was your outdoors shoot, mate? “I wanted to do a nature shoot for ages, so I’m glad I got to do it naked.”
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‘THERE’S A LOT OF SEX GOING ON AT MY DESK’
BECOME A MODEL CIT JUST LIKE TRACEY Hey, ladies! Pose topless and you’ll score a cool $100. Get completely starkers and receive $150! Citizen Of The Week receives $400! Our favourite Model Citizens have the chance to pose again as a Harem or Centrefold model and score up to $1000!
OFFICIAL MODEL CITIZENS ENTRY COUPON SEND this coupon to: Model Citizens, c/People, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Once we receive it, we’ll put you in touch with one of our ace photographers, who’ll take lovely pics for use in our mag! ■ Yes, I want to be a Model Citizen (please tick). I hereby give People the right to use my photos on the internet, and on MMS, SMS or DVD. ■ I am over 18 years of age and attach a photocopy of photo ID (eg. driver’s licence). NAME: ADDRESS: PHONE (Home): PHONE (Work): SIGNATURE: By signing this agreement, I signify I have read, understand and agree to be bound by the important terms and conditions below. Important terms and conditions: 1. I acknowledge and agree that the publisher of People magazine, Bauer Media (Bauer), its licensees or assigns may publish or authorise the publication of the pictures of me in any layout or format, in whole or in part, without restriction as to changes or alterations made from time to time and accompanied by any text and/ or graphics it chooses without further reference to me. 2. I hereby assign to Bauer Media the worldwide copyright to the photographs and acknowledge that Bauer Media may exercise all of the rights of the copyright owner in respect of the photographs, including using or licensing the publication of the photos in other publications and using or licensing the publication of the photographs in any format including (but not limited to) DVD, MMS, CD-ROM or the internet. 3. I release Bauer Media, its employees, agents, related companies and assigns from all actions, suits, causes of actions, claims and demands whatsoever which I may have at any time in connection with the photographs or arising from or relating to their publication in print or electronic media, including and liability by virtue of any blurring, distortion, alteration, context or otherwise, including (but not limited to) any action for defamation. 4. I acknowledge that persons sending Model Citizens photos without the written permission of the subject will be liable to criminal prosecution.
✂
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THE HAREM KIKA | 24 | ODESSA, UKRAINE
FEMME FACTS KIKA may have “sea legs” but she can get SEASICK if the boat rocks too much: “One time, I was going down on a boyfriend in a tinny and it nearly tipped over from his EXCITED THRUSTING into my mouth. I felt a bit crook, but I felt fine after he SPOOFED DOWN MY THROAT. It was better than an anti-nausea pill.”
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ctly wh s w o Kika kn oat b r e s t floa
T
HERE’S nothing Kika loves more than taking a leisurely boat trip on the river on a lazy summer’s day with a big strong man in tow. Take in the beautiful scenery, enjoy a pleasant picnic lunch on a deserted riverbank… then cop a CREAMY LOAD OF JISM in her pussy after a lengthy bout of DOGGY-STYLE SEX! Perfect!
THE HAREM KIKA | 24 | ODESSA, UKRAINE
ARE you nautical by nature, Kika? “My granddad was a merchant aman, so I guess it’s in the sea blood a little. I certainly enjoy being on the water, whether it’s yacchting in Sydney Harbour, cattching a ferry to work or pping in a tinny for an hop outtback river adventure.” nnies are heaps fun. Tin hey are, aren’t they? I first “Th de in one in Mildura on the rod River Murray. I was up there last mmer picking oranges and the sum ather was crazy hot. On the days we wea weren’t working, me and my boyfriend would take his tinny along the river and o some of the side creeks.” into Sounds romantic. eah – we’d buzz along till we found “Ye a quiet riverbank, pull in, pop down a picnic blanket and enjoy a yummy paccked lunch.” d after that? And “We’d have a quiet snooze, go for a dip to ccool down, then get all sweaty again by ffucking each other’s brains out.” hat was your preferred position Wh forr love-making? oggy-style always hit my G-spot nicely “Do – I came best that way. My record with m was THREE in one session.” him here did your guy deposit his Wh by batter? bab “I like cum anywhere, but I preferred creampies ’cos we were dating. It was also cool feeling it drip out afterwards.” Do you ever fantasise about being pirate, buddy? ap or sure – I even have a sexy pirate “Fo stume that I wear sometimes for my cos boyyfriend, so he can swash my buckle.” e assume that’s something rude We pirate lingo. in p
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TRUE BLUE CONFESSIONS I DON’T know why but flying makes me horny. I’ve lost count of the numberr of times I’ve ssy raw under the rubbed my pus eft VAGINA JUICE blanket and le smeared everyywhere, but I’ve nyone help me out. NEVER had an Until recently. red-eye I was on a near-empty n flight from Singgapore to Brisbane and had a seat in an ar the back of the empty row nea economy section. s in and, with Three hours everyone else on the plane right asleep, I was getting g d my clitoris into it. I circled while pretending to watch an episode of Arrested Devellopment ng about and fantasisin si. Portia de Ross I opened myy eyes o see momentarily to a cute chick sitting in s from the row across me – she was lustfully watching my every subtle move. spered “Hey,” I whis playfully, “wanna come over herre and GIVE ME A HAND?” Without saying a word, the shorthaired blonde scooted next to t me. k her left I swiftly took ded it under hand and guid the blanket. Like the Yellow Pages, I let o the walking, her fingers do my eye on a flight while I kept m ming our way down attendant com the aisle.
Her index finger was deep inside my pussy and making me see stars. I pulled my blanket over my new friend’s lap, then worked my right hand down her pants. Once the stewardess had passed us, I kissed Blondie and sighed, “This is too much.”
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‘HER FINGER WAS DEEP IN MY PUSSY’
I removed my damp knickers and turned my arse hard right in her direction. She quietly slid down and expertly licked me out till I came REALLY HARD. I bit down on my cushion to stop from WHIMPERING as an intense orgasm swept over me for close to 20 seconds.
I regained my composure, while my fuck-buddy hopped back on the seat. Her lips were coated with MY PUSSY JUICE as she kissed me and grinned, “I’m Andrea.” I smiled and said, “Nice to meet you, Andrea.” Steph, Qld
SEND IN A YARN AND
SCORE $50! Post it to: True Blue Confessions c/– People magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Or email your filthy story to
[email protected]!
BOWLED OVER BAREFOOT lawn bowls is one of my favourite things to do on hot Sunday arvos. Not only can you get pissed in the sun, but it’s a good way to pick up on the sly, too! I was getting my drink on last month and noticed a bunch of gals on a hens’ night on the green beside us. As usual, I pick off the strays and found myself bumming smokes from Cassie. She had MASSIVE TITS – the kind you hide your house keys in – and I could see my face between them before nightfall. When everyone was ready to go out, I suggested we ditch ’em and head to mine. Being an up-for-anything chick, she came along and I soon had Cassie on her knees in my shower. It was incredibly cool as water splashed on her face
‘I ATE HER OUT BEFORE WE ROOTED ON MY BED’ and I played with her boobies while she slobbered on my WOMB-BROOM. I love a hairy pussy, so we swapped over and I ate her out for a bit before we dried off and rooted each other silly on my bed. The daytime pick-up is MASSIVELY underrated. While all my mates were necking beers, I was home NECKING SMOO JUICE, then slamming Cassie’s hot cunt like a BLOODY CHAMPION! Gob, NSW
LOVE ISLAND WHEN I was a young bloke, I got the occasional modelling gig. It’s hard to believe now, but back then I had the surfie look that Aussie brands wanted. One time, I scored the JOB OF A LIFETIME: posing on a private island with a dozen chicks and no other dudes! The photo session took the better part of a day, which meant we got breaks for food and to explore the island. I was as randy as A DOG WITH TWO DICKS back then and did my best to get into the pants of anyone with a split. In the end, I managed to shag THREE OF ’EM! I’m serious. I’ve never been as successful before or since. Long-haired, green-eyed Elle had been giving me signals even before we got on the boat to the island.
‘WE BANGED EACH OTHER TO A MUTUAL ORGASM’ We quickly did the dirty deed inside a beach hut while everyone else was on the set. I didn’t want to come inside the brunette, so I pulled out at the last second and JIZZED IN A PROP HANDBAG. Dusky Karli started feeling me up under the water while we were swimming during our lunch break. I think she was a friend of Elle’s and was operating on inside info. I did her FROM BEHIND while squeezing her small melons that sported big
nipples like BURNT CORKS. Just after sunset, I nearly missed the boat home ’cos I was balls-deep in skinny blonde Heather against a palm tree. She was TIGHT AS A CLAM and, even though we were sunburnt to hell, we banged each other to an incredible mutual orgasm. If I could live that day over and over again for the rest of my life I would, ’cos Lord knows I don’t see a fraction of that action THESE DAYS! Jase, Qld
PATTING THE PUSSY I’VE always been straight, but I experienced SWEET VAGINA for the first time when my flatmate recently hit on me. She was a lovely chick – if a bit geeky, kinda like Velma from Scooby-Doo – and I sensed she might’ve had a thing for the ladies after seeing the company she kept. Bek was consoling me one night after I got let down byy ut a bloke I thought I loved, bu C CK. who turned out to be a PRIC We were cosied up on the couch, drinking white wine and she kept stroking my hair while saying comforting words. “It’s cool,” Bek said, placing her hand on my thigh. “There are tons of better people out there.” Suddenly, she readjusted the glasses on her face,
stroked my leg and I felt my heart race. Without thinking I parted my legs and let her FINGER-BANG me. “You’re wetter than Aquaman,” Bek grinned, before planting her face on my pussy. I came the second her tongue touched my clit. I reached for her large boozzies and fondled them while she lapped at my
‘I REACHED FOR BEK’S LARGE BOOZZIES’ cunny and built me up for an another huge orgasm mere minutes later. Bek made me forget all about b fuckface Fred – yeah, th ha at was his name! – and we w e RUTTED LIKE WILD A ANIMALS throughout the night and the following morning. We’re sorta dating at present, but Bek understands that I’ll eventually go back tto o the cock. Maybe. Amy, Vic
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THE BACK DOOR KELSI MONROE | 22 | THE CENTREFOLD, AUGUST 1
TWERK
DAT ASS! HOW do you use your behind to make coin, Kelsi? “I love making videos of me doing ANAL SEX-PLAY live on my free webcam. Fans can join me and chat while I take it DEEP UP MY ANUS for them. They also tell me what to do and how hard to cum.” Sounds delightful. You have a rump-bumping reputation, don’t you? “I’m told I have one of the nicest asses in the entire industry. It helps that I’m a former gymnast, so I can bend into a bunch of acrobatic positions while BOUNCING MY BOOTY on a hard dick.” We bet you’d put Miley Cyrus’s twerking to shame. “Ha! You should see me twerk my THICK JUICY ASS while I’m doing the splits. It’s a thing of beauty.”
‘I’M ACROBATIC BOUNCING MY BOOTY ON A HARD DICK’
NEXT ISSUE ON SALE NOV. 21