10
OF THE BEST
JAN 16-30, 2017 $4.95 NZ $5.50
EXPOSED!
BOOB OUT
I N’ LOOSE!
lows Jess unleashes her sex pil
ACKPACK
MAD FOR IT! Ashley Adams can’t get enough action
START
NORK! ‘Top Model’ host gives blokes a late Chrissie present!
S
HE may be married and officially OFF LIMITS, but Jennifer Hawkins is such a TOP SPORT she decided to give blue-balled, red-blooded Aussie males a special Christmas present by FLASHING A FUNBAG while on holidays. The former Miss Universe was chilling with her husband Jake Wall when she accidentally POPPED A PUP on a yacht in Sydney. It’s the sort of mishap that anyone can suffer…we’re just extremely glad it happened to Hawko. Honestly, it’ll probably help the 33-yearold host of Australia’s Next Top Model be a bit more understanding the next time one of the contestants makes a mistake on the TV reality series. So, ultimately, this exposed boob has benefited EVERYONE, which can only be A GOOD THING.
CONTENTS
TALK TO US BY MAIL: GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001 BY EMAIL:
[email protected] BY PHONE: (02) 9288 9686 FACEBOOK: aussiepeople TWITTER: PeopleOz
Readers: please note our new PO box.
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08 12 14 16 18 26 33
FULL FRONTAL WEIRD FILM NUDITY PORN WATCH NEWS TO US ANAL SEX BABES ANIMAL HOUSE BRAIN GAMES
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40 44 46 52 53 68 70
T&Cs NEW SELFIE CRAZE FUNNY SHIT WIN STUFF! MODEL CITIZENS TRUE BLUE THE BACK DOOR
BALL WINNER
JESS
kicks FOR
Football’s loss was the glamma world’s 32F gain! PHOTOS BY ADAM TURNER
‘NEXT TIME I’LL TAKE OFF MY TOP AND JUMP UP AND DOWN’
G
ROWING a whopping set of BREASTICLES may have halted the promising soccer career of UK stunna Jessica Kingham, but it also gave her a reason to get into TOPLESS MODELLING, for which we’ll ALWAYS be grateful. A lifelong Tottenham Hotspur fan, Jess previously played the ROUND-BALL GAME for Sandhurst Ladies, aka “The Fizzers”. Unfortunately for them and fortunately for us, she felt like her 32F BEAUTIES were getting in the way. In April 2012, she did her first glamma shots for UK mag ZOO and was an instant hit with readers. Her next MAMMARY MILESTONE was finishing runner-up in the 2013 season of Page 3 Idol (to another People fave, Mel Clarke). Since then, jubbly Jess has done a GARDEN SHED full of photo shoots and is under no illusion about her major selling point as a model: “Well, obviously my boobs. But I like my eyes and lots of people tell me the same.” She has eyes? Er, sorry. Born in Camberley, Surrey, the 25-year-old also has a BEAUT-IF-SLIGHTLY-CONFUSED attitude to meeting fans… “I’m never sure what I should do. Maybe next time I’ll take off my top and JUMP UP AND DOWN. That should keep the boys happy!” Another example of her thoughtfulness towards her admirers is the video she made wherein she demonstrated her MAD SKILLS at soccer. Go to YouTube.com and search for “Jessica Kingham’s slow-motion bikini keepie uppies”. Yeah, the gal can move. She doesn’t mind SHAKING HER BOOTY on the dancefloor after a few champagnes, either. When asked about her twerking ability, the curvy Pommy provided us with a wonderful MENTAL IMAGE. “I do a better job than Miley Cyrus. I could definitely give her a twerking lesson!” Always good to have GOALS, Jess.
FULL FRONTAL The latest in nudity from around the globe! BEST PALVIN
CRACKING UNDIES
HUNGARY FOR BOOTY BOOTY-LOVERS will adore Hungarian catwalker Barbara Palvin’s daks-free pictorial in the Dec./ Jan. issue of France’s Lui. Artfully lensed by David Bellemere, it casts Barbs in the role of a woman who either (a) doesn’t like pants, (b) doesn’t own any pants, or (c) has had all of her pants stolen by a mischievous KING CHARLES SPANIEL. Choose your favourite explanation, readers, just make sure you get a load of THAT ARSE!
STELLA SELLER EAT your heart out, Kmart and Big W catalogues! You guys only WISH you could include “bum flossing” shots like this one of Stella Maxwell from a recent Victoria’s Secret catalogue. The 26-year-old Northern Irish model was ranked No. 1 on US Maxim’s Hot 100 list for 2016.
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SHARING
THE LOVE The freshest flesh on celebrity social media
CANDID CANS
RACKSTAGE PASS IF WE find super-spunky glamma Rhian Sugden’s 2017 calendar in a bargain bin, we’re gonna buy the shit out of it. True, we’ve long desired to marry the 30-yearold Brit and serve her Vegemite on white
CAUGHT SORT
toast and orange fruit drink in bed EVERY MORNING. But even if we’d never heard of Rhian, these behind-the-scenes images from her calendar shoot would turn us into INSTANT FANS. With instant stiffies. TAKE note, other celeb sheilas! Don’t post selfies of your pet moggies ON THEIR OWN. Learn from does-as-she-pleases Oz actress Caitlin Stasey and photograph them next to your own cute kittens’ noses and fuzzy fur.
SWEET STRIP, CAROLINE WHEN she auditioned for the part of Jeune Femme (“young woman”) in 2016 French thriller Elle, you have to wonder if actrice Caroline Breton realised it would indirectly lead to her flashing her BOOBS, BUSH AND BUMCAKES in People mag. How could we resist printing stills from a scene that will be familiar to blokes the world over? A scene that can be summed up in two words: FUCKIN’ BUSTED!
THE story goes that 19-year-old Pom poppet Maisie Williams – aka Arya Stark on TV’s Game Of Thrones – uploaded this teasing picture to a private group, from where it was SOMEHOW leaked. Snowden-tastic!
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FULL FRONTAL
QUEEN’S JEWELS 18 & KEEN!
RICHIE RAUNCH HELLO! Popster Lionel Richie’s youngest kiddie has hit the magical 18 mark and Sofia Richie is already tastefully flaunting her assets. Galore’s Art Issue (above) imagines the spunkette as some sorta hippie film-maker, who presumably BURNT HER BRA before chucking on that see-through top. Complex (below) calls her “The Charmer” and supports the claim by having Sofia coil snakes around her curves. Off to a sssssexy ssssstart!
VOVOS IN VOGUE
BERRIES & SCREAM
WE GET the impression Scream Queens starlet Keke Palmer, 23, doesn’t mind us ogling her juicy nipples through this sheer shirt. In fact, we have a sneaking suspicion the talented babe (she’s also an R&B singer) wore the outfit specifically to ATTRACT ATTENTION. You’ve won this time, Palmer...
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ZIM, TAUT & TERRIFIC! NEWS that a fashion label has released an arty vid is enough to make any bloke not give a crap, scratch his balls and return to the racing form. HOWEVER, there are exceptions. Here’s one now – Fille D’Hérode, a two-minute effort from a company named Larose Paris, featuring the TONGUABLE TATAS of module Salomé Zimmerlin and with a clever twist. Search for it on Vimeo or be a traitor to your penis.
SPIRIT RAISER
ENGESSER, UNDRESSER EVER dated someone, moved in together, then discovered they had the WORST HABITS? Sucks, doesn’t it? Well, spare a thought for Eddie, the troubled main dude in The Conduit (2016). After leaving rehab and shacking up with new flame Amy (33-year-old LA thesp Monica Engesser), he finds she’s a portal to our plane of existence for EVIL SPIRITS. Still, she does have her positive qualities…
KATE ENGLAND
LIE back and think of England. Kate England, that is. The blue-eyed, blonde-haired, dream-bodied Yank (what – you assumed she was FROM England?) has been churning out porn since 2014 and shows no sign of stopping. Thank gawd. Kate, 23, has starred in such flicks as Don’t Tell My Wife I Assfucked The Babysitter 16. Because that’s the kind of cheek-spreading, cheeky-humoured gal she is. And we wouldn’t have her any other way. 11
There should be more telly like Cocked... as long as it stars the Shannon sisters in bullet belts
KOOKY CUTIES
These musical madams from Czech flick Fotograf are No. 1 on our tit parade
Zany Brazilian show Magnifica 70 makes us wanna punch the guy on the left and marr y Julia Ianina
Hitch-hiking: Taryn Terrell’s doing it wrong – yet oh-so-right – in the movie Get Hard
Blood Trap’s Elena Mirela hates guitars as much as we love her bloody baps
Who wouldn’t wind the window down for Grace Kosmider in The Jokesters?
Unknowns packing drugs (and sweet dugs) in TV’s Graves
We wouldn’t kick Victoria Schulze out of bed for eating chips in Dora
WEI RD& WUMBAFUL W 10 screen strips that are strangely arousing
E LIKE a serious starkers scene as much as the next horny viewer. But, occasionally, it’s nice to encounter something different. Let’s face it, nudity and nookie CAN be wacky – in a GOOD WAY. So we appreciate it when a film or telly show reflects this fact. Especially when “What the fuck?” becomes “What the… FUCK, that’s PRETTY DARN SEXY!” Here are 10 recent great examples.
Lena Lauzemis goes on smoko in German drama The Chambermaid
We’d love to nibble what Christa Kelli’s serving in this ep of Party Down
PORN WATCH Our no-holes-barred round-up of adult entertainment
DEEP HEAT YOU could never accuse the makers of DP Cuties of coming up with a film title that confuses the viewers about its carnal intentions. If you wanna see s ne of scene after scen big-arsed cuties getting WO penetrated by TW E, then COCKS AT ONCE or you. this is the film fo Keisha Grey (right), ar Holly Hendrix (fa s right) and friends will impress you with their athletic prowess and amazing ability to accommodate a massive amountt of dick-flesh in their tight’n’tiny orifices. We’re surprised that Huggies didn’t sponsor the making of this flick, ’cos the
well-fucked lovelies probably needed to wear NAPPIES for a week after the DOUBLE-DONGED ROGERING they received.
The cream of the adult film world tell us what (and who) they’re doing!
DP CUTIES Starring: Keisha Grey,Angel Smalls,Yhivi Made by: Hard X Release date: out now
‘BREAKING NEWS: I got a neck rub and my pussy eaten.’ – @lenaisapeach (Lena Paul)
MEET THE MILF: JASMINE JAE BORN: August 31, 1983 in Birmingham, England STATS: 32E-27-37 QUICK FACTS: Unlike many of her fellow actrines, Pommy Jasmine got her boob job BEFORE she entered the biz: “I had them done in 2011 and I didn’t get into porn until April 2012. I was never gifted with naturally big boobs, so I had to buy them.” STARS IN: British MILFs Know Best, Shadow Of A MILF, Beach Volley Sluts In Ibiza HOW’D YOUR FIRST DP IN ALL ACCESS: JASMINE JAE FEEL? “I already do DP in my personal life, so it wasn’t like I didn’t know how it felt. I was a bit nervous about doing it on
TRIPLE-X TWITTER
me camera but it went great. A lot of girls told m DP was better than anal and I agree…it’s goood to have one in your arse and one in your pussy.” YOU ALSO DID DOUBLE VAG IN THAT FILM. WAS IT DIFFICULT? “It was actually tougher for me than the DP. I’ve never done that before. That wasn’t even planned. It just kind of happened. I was doing my DP scene and thhe why guy asked if I wanted to try it. I said, ‘Sure, w not?’ Haha!” WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER DOUBLE ANAL? “I’d like to think I’ll do it at some point, but I’m going to have to think about that one. I don’t know how these girls do that! I’ve seen girlss stuff four dicks in their ass, it’s crazy!”
‘Got to hide all my dildos before the fam comes over. :)’ – @LanaRhoades
‘BBC in this pussy today. He may even cum in it, too.’ – @OfficialAidraF (Aidra Fox)
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NEWS TO US
Our fuckwit Bogdan presents another dose of weirdness
TORQUING ON WATER
WHY ride your motorcycle when you can SKI it instead? That’s what Aussie stunt legend Robbie Maddison must’ve thought when he rode his bike down the Yarra River in Melbourne. The feat was inspired by a scene from new fillum xXx: Return Of Xander Cage (in cinemas January 19), in which Maddo was the chief stunt rider.
HAIR TODAY… FOR one Seppo chick, going to a restaurant and finding a HAIR floating in her soup starter wouldn’t be a problem…’cos she bloody loves EATING THE STUFF! The unnamed 38-year-old woman is addicted to snacking on stray strands, and the poor lass recently had to have a 15cm hairball surgically removed from her guts. According to a medical journal, the mulletmunching mentalist was CROOK AS FUCK when she arrived at the hospital. She was rushed into surgery where the massive mess of tresses was discovered in her digestive tract. Talk about a HAIRY situation. 16
WHOPPER VS CHOPPER IN THE ongoing war between cows and helicopters, we’re happy to report that the beefy bovines are winning, 1-0. A cow recently tangled with a chopper in FNQ and the whirlybird came out second-best in the encounter. The clash occurred while the chopper pilot was attempting to round up cattle at a station in Coen. A copper stated with a straight face, “It’s believed the rails underneath the helicopter
got tangled up in the cow’s horns, causing it to lose balance.” The cow and pilot were unhurt but the helicopter was…ahem, UDDERLY wrecked.
TASTE MY COCKBUTTER
WHAT better use can you find for a 150kg mound of butter – unless you’re Marlon Brando in Last Tango In Paris – than to carve it into a 3.6m-tall ROOSTER? That’s what the unidentified artist in Shenyang, China thought when he tackled this arty project. Now, someone get us a GINORMOUS piece of hot toast!
I’d get so seasick doing that stunt they’d have to call me “Queasy Rider”!
When the sun rises, he stands on top of the coop and MELTS
FUCK-OFF FACTS
■ The largest rooster in the world is the Jersey Giant, which was first bred in New Jersey in the late 19th century. On average, it weighs nearly six kilograms. Although introduced to Oz in the early 20th century, they couldn’t hack it and are extinct here. ■ Eating your hair is a symptom of Rapunzel Syndrome, which produces a crazy urge to pull out one’s own locks and scoff ’em down like spaghetti. The syndrome is so rare it’s only been recorded 88 times in medical literature.
A girlfriend ATE MY PYTHON once…well, MY WORM, to be honest
TEA FOR TWO
WHEN this brown snake told his python mate, “I’m having you over for dinner,” we’re sure the poor bastard didn’t realise he was THE MAIN COURSE. This tragic example of snake-on-snake violence took place near Brisbane.
YOU ARSED FOR IT
BFO
B
Porn q can’t get enough anal sex!
JYNX MAZE
A
NAL SEX. It’s a tricky subject – some gals swear by it, others are a bit leery about anything coming within cooee of their Cadbury canal! When it comes to the X-rated bizzo, BUM-BONKING is the last frontier. Once a chick knocks
on that particular BACK DOOR, there’s no going back. But why should they? It’s a lot of fun and, apparently, pays very well. As for those prudes who disapprove of their arsepumping ways, these CHEEKY CHICKS would tell them to go and get BUGGERED!
Age: 26 From: Long Beach, California Anal highlights: Pump My Ass Full Of Cum 3, Rear End Collision, Butthole Adventures, Anal Acrobats 9 She said: “I’m the go-to girl for anal scenes. I’m going to be the biggest anal star on the planet! I can get my entire fist up my butt. I’m pretty flexible, so it helps.”
CASEY CALVERT Age: 26 From: Gainesville, Florida Anal highlights: Make Me Gape, Analized, Backdoor Baddies She said: “I did double anal in Analized with James Deen and Erik Everhard. I like DA more than I like DP. I don’t have the words to describe it, so all I can say is that DA is amazing.”
HARLEY JADE Age: 22 From: Boise, Idaho Anal highlights: Bubble Butt Car Wash, Anal Lessons 4 She said: “I’ve recorded a half dozen butt-sex scenes. I’ve been told by my fans that they’re ‘nice’. I haven’t done inter-racial anal, but I plan to eventually.”
HOLLY HENDRIX Age: 19 From: Lafayette, Indiana Anal highlights: Holly Hendrix’s Anal Experience She said: “When I worked with Manuel for the first time, I didn’t think it was possible to fit his cock in my ass. But I told myself I REALLY wanted it. I got so horny it slipped right in! It’s just a psychological thing and it’s how badly you want it.”
ABIGAIL MAC Age: 28 From: Baltimore, Maryland Anal highlights: Abigail Loves Zoey She said: “I did a girl/girl anal film… small toys are a big difference to a big cock. As for anal with a guy, I’m never going to say ‘never’ but ‘maybe’, we’ll see.”
HOLLY MICHAELS Age: 26 From: Phoenix, Arizona Anal highlights: DP Fanatic 2, Phat Bottom Girls 5 She said: “I’m limiting my anal right now because I haven’t done it in my personal life that much. I’m just warming back up to it. But it’s not like I’m NOT doing anal, ’cos I do enjoy it!”
COURTNEY TAYLOR Age: 28 From: Hollywood, California Anal highlights: An Ass Built For Anal, POV Sphinctacular She said: “To me, anal sex is an absolute must. Check me out in Anal Gaping Sluts or Rectal Fuckfest 2… I’m a study in contradictions: so pretty, yet so naughty!”
EVA ANGELINA ABELLA DANGER Age: 21 From: Miami, Florida Anal highlights: Abella Danger’s Anal Sextape, Abella’s Ass Is In Danger She said: “I lost my anal virginity on camera with Keiran Lee. I did a lot of preparation for it, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t just walk in there and hoped that it fit. I stretched my ass almost every night for two months straight.”
Age: 31 From: Huntington Beach, California Anal highlights: Evolutionary 2, Anal Boot Camp, Sexual HarASSment She said: “In Evolutionary 2, I did double vadge and double anal in the same scene. The double anal was done on a whim. My asshole is really tight…but we did it! And it was waaaay fucking awesome.”
KELSI MONROE Age: 22 From: Fort Lauderdale, Florida Anal highlights: Deep In That Ass, Booty Queen, Anal Ambitions, Blast On The Ass She said: “I’m hot. I’m magnificent. I have an incredible smile. And my ass is a dream.”
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WHITE OVERSIGHT LOVED the “Best & Barest” feature (January 16 issue). But how could you take a look back at the hottest chicks of 2016 and not include my dream girl, Angela White? Beautiful, boob-iful, Aussie and as naughty as she wants to be! Deadly, Qld Fair call, Deadly. Ang shoulda been in there. Here’s an unpublished piccie from the porn starlet’s cover story in our July 18 edition. A man could – very happily – lose himself in that cleavage!
SOCCERBALL
MISSING MINX
GENITALS OUR spider senses were tingling when we saw this submission from Roz of Qld, who writes, “This Spider-Man looks heroic in ALL departments.” Something went badly wrong at the balloon factory! Send your letters and pics to: The Keeper, c/- Animal House, People magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Or email us at people@ bauer-media.com.au (with Animal House in the subject line).
WORD GAMES
YOU know what shits me? When I say “soccer” and some know-it-all wanker corrects me, saying g, “You mean football.” I’ve been playing and following the game since I was a little kid and will ALWAYS call it socc cer. Football to me is AFL. This is one time when I agree with the Yanks. They say soccer
26
THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE
as well, because to them football is NFL. DR, Vic Yeah,, we’re sympathetic t your point of view, DR. It’s unreasonable folks It sshould be shamed into ditching a term they’ve d used their WHOLE LIVES. e way the It-Can-OnlyBe-Ca alled-Football Crowd carry on, there’s also the suggestion we’ve been wrong all these years. Fuck that.
SICK BURNS
JOKER SMOKER
MY MATE “Spess” makes us laugh by ashing his cigarette into his beer bottle, then taking a BIG SWIG G and pretending it tastes DELICIOUS. Just how h dangerous is drink king ash? Should we te ell him to stop? It’s pretty p fuckin’ funny the way w he does it, though. Rob, Vic
It’s not a practice we’d recommend, Rob. That said, it’s i more likely to o make your pal pukke before it does him any serious harm. When ol’’ Spess starts g out ciggies on stubbing his CHIC CKEN PARMA and then treating them like part off the topping, that’s when w you should really worry! w
SUPER MARIO
GOODBYE, CHAMP I WAS saddened to hear the news that wrestling legend Mario Milano passed away last month at the age of 81. My dad and I used to watch him every weekend on the telly during the 1970s and it was fantastic when he put his deadly ABDOMINAL STRETCH HOLD on bad guys like Killer Kowalski and Big Bad John.
HAS the beautiful Katheryn Winnick, who plays Lagertha in SBS TV series Vikings (and several OTHER CHARACTERS in my dreams), ever dropped top or trou’? And if so, where can I see the pictures? Help me out here, guys! KW Fan, NSW
You can stick your John Cenas and Hulk Hogans up your arse – the greatest wrestling champion of all time was Mario! Tony, NSW Yeah, Tony, we were GUTTED to hear the news about the great man’s passing. His ring wars
The closest the 39-yearold Canadian actress has come, KW Fan, was this shy-nude shot (right) for the April 2015 edition of Allure magazine. Don’t give Kath any crap about her reluctance to tog off in public, though, as she holds BLACK BELTS in both karate and tae kwon do!
with Bulldog Brower, Skull Murphy and many more back in the 60s and 70s will never be forgotten by long-time grappling fans. RIP, Mario.
HIDDEN TALENTS
Editor James Cooney News editor Dan Lennard Writers Karl Clifford, Adam Williams Designer-in-chief Tony Halpin Designers Darren Monaghan, Chantelle Galaz Picture editor Bonnie Weigand Editorial co-ordinator Emily Rattenbury National sales manager Patrick Campbell National group sales manager Brigitte Guerin NSW sales director Joanne Clasby Associate publisher Ewen Page Publisher Cornelia Schulze CEO Nick Chan Published by Bauer Media, part of the Bauer Media Group ABN 18 053 273 546, 54-58 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000. The trademark “People” is the property of Bauer Consumer Media Pty Limited and is used under licence. © 2017 All rights reserved. Printed by PMP Print, 37-49 Browns Rd, Clayton, Vic 3168. People contact details – phone: (02) 9288 9686. Email: people@ bauer-media.com.au. Advertising: (02) 9282 8369. Fax: (02) 9283 7923. Reader Offer, Customer Service and Subscription inquiries: 136116, 8am-8pm EST Mon-Fri, 8am-6pm EST Sat, or fax (02) 9267 4363. Mail postage-free: Reply Paid 764, People, GPO Box 5252, Sydney, NSW 2001 (postage free within Australia). Melbourne office: 102-108 Toorak Rd, South Yarra, Vic 3141. Ph: (03) 9823 6333. Fax: Editorial (03) 9823 6363, Advertising (03) 9823 6300. NZ: PO Box 6982, Wellesley St, Auckland. Ph (03) 9927 6222. Distributed by Network Services, 54 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000. Ph: (02) 9282 8777. Contributions welcome but material is submitted at owner’s risk. We accept no responsibility for loss/damage (SAE needed for return). Material in People is copyright, and reproduction in whole or in part is not permitted. * Recommended & maximum price only.
ISSN 1449-6690
Please see page 40 for Privacy Notice.
OVERLOADED.
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THE CENTREFOLD ASHLEY ADAMS | 20 | TAMPA, FLORIDA
angel She llooks ks like a saint saint, but she’s totally a sinner! PHOTOS BY DIGITAL PLAYGROUND
S
HE may have the appearance of a sweet gal next door – the type who’d come over to offer you a plate of freshly baked fudge brownies. But trust us, within seconds Ashley Adams would be shoving those brownies UP HER ARSE and demanding you EAT THEM OUT. After that, she’d fuck you senseless on the hallway floor. Yep, looks are definitely deceiving when it comes to the kinky star of Anal Flirts and Buttsex Cuties 2!
What are the best things about being an X-rated superstar, Ashley? “‘When you love what you do, you never work a day in your life’ would be the easiest way to answer that question.” Any kinky act you haven’t tried yet? “Double penetration!” Goddamn! That’s hard to believe. What’s your preferred sexual possie? “I love them all, but I recently tried PILEDRIVER for the first time…I have to say I’ve asked for it multiple times after!”
‘I MASTURBATE, WORK OUT, THEN MASTURBATE SOME MORE’
What sexy advice can you give us and our significant others on how to be better ROOTERS? “Just listen and ask what your partner likes or wants. Be fun and naughty with it. At the end of the day, everyone has their own sexual desires. Give them what THEY want and tell them what YOU want.” Got any role models in porn? “Adriana Chechik is my favorite right now – she inspires me ’cos she makes it nasty and real for the fans.”
When you get a day off fro om filming, how do you like to spend itt? n masturbate “I masturbate, work out, then some more.” Shit! We do that, too…except for ou jerk the working out part. Do yo off by hand? Ashley “Oh, my God, everyone who knows k Adams knows that I have a suitcase full of toys.” ng about We assume you’re not talkin Barbie dolls.
JANUARY 30, 2017
Ashley Adams
CENTREFOLD
‘I HAVE A SUITCASE FULL OF SEX TOYS’
WIN
$1000 BY MODELLING IN PEOPLE See pg63 for details
Exercise the grey mattterr and score big bucks!
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ENTER TO WIN!
139
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148
Fill in your name and address together with a completed and correct Beast crossword grid and post to: The Beast No. 03, c/ – People magazine, GPO Box 5507, Sydney, NSW 2001. Entries close on Friday, February 17 at 5pm.
138
154
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NAME: ADDRESS:
POSTCODE:
PHONE:
FORTNIGHTLY!
Solve the clues of this crossword and release our bloke from the clutches of The Beast. The clues set in a different typeface are all related to the enslaved star pictured in the centre of the puzzle.
ACROSS 1. Wave rider 5. & 74 down. Sully actor (Pic A) who plays President Benjamin Asher, our bloke’s boss, in the film at 15 across (5,7) 9. Cassette player (4,8) 13. Offhandedly 14. Scream star, – Campbell 15. Action thriller starring our bloke and Gerard Butler, – Has Fallen 16. Spouse’s family member (2-3) 18. Fall (away) 21. Ha ha ha 22. The Mamas And The Papas hit, – Her Again Last Night (1,3) 24. Jack Black wrestler comedy, – Libre 25. Our bloke plays Geel Piet, an inmate who teaches PK to box in the Stephen Dorff apartheid-era drama The Power Of – 26. Thor actor who plays Loki, – Hiddleston 28. Animal life 29. & 34 across. Pic B actor who enlists the help of our bloke to explain the tricks behind the apparent magical heist in the film at 78 across (4,7) 30. Crustacean’s eggs 31. Katy Perry song, – Cold (3,1) 33. Irish group (1,1,1) 34. See 29 across 37. Symbol 39. New wife 40. Beatles hit about a man called Jo-Jo (3,4) 42. Ram’s mate 43. Help! (1,1,1) 44. Thrill-seeker 47. Manicure tools 50. Root vegetable
52. Thumb (through book) 53. Our bloke received an Oscar nomination for chauffeuring Jessica Tandy around in Driving – Daisy 54. Long way 56. Ready to harvest 58. Misplace 60. Trim (lawn) 61. Occasions 62. Disco classic that features in Romeo + Juliet, Young Hearts – (3,4) 63. Lahore native 64. Dwayne Johnson disaster film, – Andreas 65. Mushroom top 67. Tea Léoni drama series in which our bloke directed and starred in the season two premiere, Madam – 69. Actor who plays Peter Florrick in The Good Wife (5,4) 71. Robert Downey Jr comedy, – Date 72. Grow older 73. Hotpot 75. Carole King hit song, – Earth Move (1,4,3) 78. A team of illusionists pull off heists during live performances and reward their audiences in this thriller starring our bloke (3,3,3,2) 80. The L of LA 81. Finnish telco 82. Musical pairs 83. Annoyed 84. Shy 85. American national security agency (1,1,1) 87. Yacht crew’s illness 88. Captain America: Civil War actress (Pic C) who seeks help from our bloke in the film at 17 down, – Johansson
The November 7 winner is M. Betts of Toormina, NSW.
DOWN 1. Sunnier 2. Silly 3. Rewrite
Nov. 21 Beast solution page 38
4. Actor, – Crosby 5. Antagonise 6. The Fountainhead author, – Rand 7. High-rise thriller, Man – Ledge (2,1) 8. Recent arrival 9. Our bloke is contacted by a talking bear in the 2015 Mark Wahlberg comedy – 2 10. Palestine Liberation Organisation (1,1,1) 11. Boxing drama with our bloke as Eddie “Scrap-Iron” Dupris, Million – (6,4) 12. Sweater style 17. Sci-fi action film about a girl who develops telepathy and telekinesis after a drug mule job goes wrong, and needs our bloke to help save her 19. Gary Busey baseball film, – The Year (6,2) 20. Expectant mums’ – clinic 23. Our bloke leads a team of assassins called the Fraternity in this action thriller starring Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy 27. Hand warmers 32. Cricketer’s bowling set 35. Backstreets 36. Ex (3,5) 38. South African hero played by our bloke in Invictus, – Mandela 39. Chariot race film spectacle starring our bloke as a wealthy sheikh (3-3) 40. Respirators (3,5) 41. AC/DC track, For – To Rock (We Salute You) (5,5) 43. Uses sieve 45. Dublin’s nation 46. Steer off course 48. Tiny landmass 49. Creative thought 51. Cat’s cry 55. Quick wash 57. Aretha Franklin song, – Little Prayer (1,3,1) 59. Clean, – and span 60. Pic D actor who is taken on a lastminute bachelor party by our bloke, Kevin Kline and Robert De Niro in Last Vegas, – Douglas 66. Compressed (of gas) 68. Add (up) 70. Wrath 71. 007 actor (6,5)
73. Garden timepiece 74. See 5 across 76. See 107 down 77. Slackened (5,2) 78. Titles 79. Supervises (newspaper) 86. Amaze 89. Unneighbourly 90. Blunder 92. Volcanic fallout 94. Korean or Thai 95. & 100 down. Our bloke’s vicepresident character in the film at 15 across (5,8) 96. Deep sorrow 98. Magic debunker played by our bloke in the film at 78 across, – Bradley 100. See 95 down 103. Watergate President 105. Actress, – Skye 106. Involvement 107. & 76 down. Our bloke (6,7) 108. Unfastens (garment) 109. Pitfall 111. Develop 112. Snooping 113. Groove 120. Alice Through The Looking Glass star (Pic E) who is mentored by our bloke in Transcendence (6,4) 122. Deceitful 123. Iowa’s neighbour 125. Commencement 126. Rod 127. Extra 129. Cauliflower relative 131. Tom Cruise postapocalyptic sci-fi starring our bloke as a resistance leader on Earth 133. Fixedly 135. Construction 138. Render (wall) 139. Ditch 142. Our bloke provides the voice of Vitruvius in the animated film featuring the catchy song Everything Is Awesome, The – Movie 149. – Nicholson (Pic F) and our bloke escape from a cancer ward and head off on a road trip to complete a list of to-dos before they die in The Bucket List 151. Decompose 152. Seed vessel 154. Genetic blueprint for life (1,1,1) 155. Mr Holmes actor, Sir – McKellen
See page 40 for terms and conditions and the privacy notice. Send the completed Beast to us by the closing date. All correct entries will go into a draw and the first drawn will win $250.
BRAIN N GAMESS BR RAIN GAM MES BRA AIN N GAM MES BRAIN GAM MES
WIN $250
91. Clean break 93. Well-chosen 96. Immortal being played by our bloke in Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty 97. Outruns 99. Distance unit in space (5,4) 101. African antelope 102. Hotel 104. Wistfulness 106. Saddle up again 110. Prosperity 113. Bruce Willis hunts down his old associates, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren and our bloke, to find out who is targeting him in this 2010 action comedy 114. On top of 115. US gambling city 116. Bruce Wayne’s business manager played by our bloke in Batman Begins and its sequels, Lucius – 117. Chilled 118. Hectic 119. India’s – Mahal 121. Our bloke tries to bring down Jesse –, one of the Four Horsemen, in the film at 78 across 124. Ad-lib 127. Dad’s lad 128. Electrical current measure 129. Observes 130. Footloose actor, Kevin – 132. Visual perception 134. Travel bags 136. Oft-pierced body part 137. Ran 140. Individual (style) 141. Cain’s victim 143. Bath sheet 144. Needle hole 145. Details, – and outs 146. Bobby Darin hit, If – A Carpenter (1,4) 147. Tattoos 148. Deep-sea fish 150. Snatch 153. Bryan Adams’ Everything I Do – For You (1,2,2) 156. Celestial 157. Once – a time 158. Star of sitcom 30 Rock, – Baldwin 159. Imitator 160. Child minder 161. Our bloke narrates and stars in The Shawshank –
OZ’S BIGGEST X-WORD
MAXI Unroll (flag)
Coated with colour
Sphere Riot
Hindquarters
Suffers in heat Door aperture
Whit
Fah, ~, lah Thrills Golf peg
Ultimate Guarantees Stance
Scamps
Level
Links Dollar unit
Performs
Heart or lung Coins
BRAIN N GAMESS BR RAIN GAM MES BRAIIN GAM MES BRA AIN GAM MES
Over Summons I am, they ~ Water boilers Tin
In no way
Scorns Rim
Bumbling Highlanders
Naturist
Now Thailand Herb garnish Naval rank Arrival (1,1,1)
Missing from army
Baby grands
Eyrie birds
Roost
Ignoble
French no On the wagon
Office towers Pardon
Spikes
Giant
From Addis Ababa
Recess
Horrible Tardy arrivers
Seance board
Panic
Orient Rushed Location
Marvel
Grades
Cheap lodgings Poppy Clean narcotic break
Scions
Betting game
Actor, ~ Hanks
Wants
007’s field
The self
Decree
Dutch cheese
Lariat
Procure
Pitcher
Cylinder
False Alone doctrines
Country, Costa ~ Chits
Slump Racist
Rodent
Easy (job)
Trounce
Today Functions
Small isle
Effortless
Hurts Wisps
Analyse Waits upon
Shellfish Vulgar
Swab
Experts Coffee’s rival
Chaos Start
Love
Bark
~ presto! Insult Trial Minimum
Farewell Snowrunner
Illuminating gas Bleat
Bread block
Network
Paradise Specialist
Changes Re-equip Pasture
Crafty
Steal
Article
Fingers & ~
Sports
Girth
Pursuits
Saves
Stays
Bounder
Studies hard
Dominion Roman X
Very black
Mature Twig shelter
Calf flesh
Grinds (corn)
Gene acid (1,1,1) ~ Goodrem
District Fine wool
Cow sound
Requests
Quote Regale
Routine
Norway’s capital
Binge
Scripts
Beautify Go back in (2-5) Home
Flee to wed
Doze
Uncommon
Shortterm Tuber
Leo animals
Riviera resort (5,5) Concept
Mayday (1,1,1)
Plane testers (4,6)
Moscow citadel Recline
Circuit
Asian fruit
Attraction
Policy statement Kernel
Scruff
Legumes
Improve (photo) Teach
Outlaid Through Belonging to us
Display area
Dove call
Properties Eject
Tip of grain Fortune card
Except if Conclude
Marriage arrangers
Grazier’s herd
Slander Fidelity Slurp Cowboy movie
Poem
Droplets Heave
Minus
Leg joint Trudge
Minerals Respite
Caviar
Biro
Meet up again Snow crystal
More secure
Candle core Erupted
Fatigue
In the past
Tubing Portal
Snares
Test
Little Actress, ~ Sarandon
Daunt
Feline
Scolds
Shade
Downy duck
Enthuse
Nautical nausea Of the nose Medicines
Be in debt to
Noodles
Coach Tablet Similar Specified
Large jar Parodies Murder Pasted
Sturdy trees
Blunder
Attain
Liberate Lounger Wildebeest
Endangers Spiral shoot Unprepared Weird
Crucial Hearth dust
Sunbeam
Et cetera
Civil
Gobble
Musical drama
Startle Placegetters (7-2)
Laud
Paddle
Impulse Fish sauce
Avid Eliminate
Help (criminal)
Reservoir
Recycle
Fault
Peer
Unwrap Glow
Insert
Garden pool
Built
Martial art
Curbs
Extinguish
Constructs
Melody Colorant
Pip
Egypt’s ~ Vegas capital
Epoch
Damp
Prompt
Mention
Even so Timid
Thee View
Plenty
Craving
Concur
Miserly
Accuses
Overthrow
Initials
Simple
Earthy pigment
Astound
~ syrup
Whiskey grain
Squirt
Recede
Throatier
Bonds
Double
Fried Used to be
~ & outs
Islam’s holy city
Sprite
Swiss city
Verve
Chinese city, ~ Kong
Speech
Collar folds
Court
RIP inscription
Snips
Failure of nerve (4,4)
Tactical units Costs
Most taut Eyesore
Peeks
Different
Declaration
Hoods
Space (film) (3-2)
Cathedral, ~ Dame
Whichever
Strange Encore! (4,4)
Pronto (1,1,1,1)
Reporter
Townsfolk
Sully
Shoe hide Came first
Abate Persevere
Awake
Not far
The one there Secludes
Annoyed
Lightning (storm)
Probability Camaraderie
Appear
Richly
Purge
Aye Pungent bulb
Exercise Banish (3-2)
Compere
Submarine sensor Redundant
Pertinent Pork cut Bubbling bath
Shack Listening to Injured with horns
Emulate
No ~ or buts
Hibernate
Cure
Gangster’s woman
Anarchy
Prickly fencing (6,4)
Torment
Bluster (3,3)
Bake Most lucid
Lethargy Comfy seat (4,5)
America (1,1,1) Prime
Treacle Snakes Deserve Onto
Goal
Biased (3-5) Recall
Scorch
Platter
Go by (of years)
Nobody (2-3) Anaesthetic Bikie gang (5,6)
Maltreats Gulp
Against
Divulges (4,2) Archaic Mideast nation
Regrets
Lubricant
Sharp
Fury
Fleurde-lis
Bellow
Poker stake Elders
Covers with turf Publicise
Foremost So be it!
Failure
Cursed
Trickery
Dated Applaud Cinemas
Diabetes hormone Frontrunners Pyromania
Sediment
Part of camera Coastal
BRAIN N GAMESS BR RAIN GAM MES BRA AIN N GAM MES BRAIN GAM MESS
Fell apart (5,2) Obstacle
Spotted pattern (5,3)
Wellington
Coronet Astern Toboggan
Couches
Beer
Promos
TURN PAGE FOR ENTRY DETAILS SEE PAGE 40 FOR TERMS & CONDITIONS
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WIN $150
FORTNIGHTLY! The clues in bold relate to a famous film – the picture gives you a hint which one. The first correct entry drawn after the closing date wins the cash!
1
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3
5
11
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ACROSS 1. Remove clothes 4. Venetian boat 8. Collection 11. With 17 down, Lucy (6,4)
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12. Bellybutton 15. Financial gain 18. Cigarette filling 19. Termite mound 20. Bank teller 21. Sat for camera 23. Odour 28. With 29 across, Sue Brierley (6,6) 29. See 28 across
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DOWN 1. Self-important gait 2. Diamond shape 3. Perforated 5. Have 6. With 10 down, Saroo Brierley (3,5) 7. Ha ha! 8. Whirls 9. Rugby rule infringement 10. See 6 down 13. Pennsylvania Dutch 14. Singer, – Costello 16. Comedian, Chris –
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27. Be thrifty 33. Troy actor, – Bloom
34. Units of money 35. This week’s film 36. Frequently 37. Stage play 38. English stand-up comedian, – Noble 39. Charismatic 40. M. Night Shyamalan film, The – 42. Robes 44. Beef cut 46. Android or Apple download 47. Animal park 48. Cuban hero, – Guevara
MOVIECROSS ENTRY COUPON 30. Golfer, – Palmer 31. 1972 Olympics venue 32. Actor, – Bridges 39. With 45 across, John Brierley (5,6) 41. Fierce blaze 42. Astronomer, – Galilei 43. Unattached people 45. See 39 across 46. April 25, – Day 49. Skewer 50. Nips of spirits 51. Resisted 52. Horror film, Wolf –
Solve the Moviecross correctly and you could win $150! Send the completed crossword to: Moviecross No. 03, c/– People magazine, PO Box 5536, Sydney, NSW 2001.
NAME: ADDRESS: 17. See 11 across 21. Arcade game 22. Class of travel 24. Like A Virgin singer 25. Hanged by mob 26. Prepared
POSTCODE:
PHONE:
Moviecross entries close February 17. Answers to be printed April 10. Winner to be printed April 24. See page 40 for T&Cs and the privacy notice.
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#03 JAN. 30 MOVIECROSS
PUZZLES PRIVACY NOTICE This issue of People is published by Bauer Media Pty Ltd (Bauer). Bauer may use and disclose your information in accordance with our Privacy Policy, including to provide you with your requested products or services and to keep you informed of other Bauer publications, products, services and events. Our Privacy Policy is located at www. bauer-media.com.au/privacy/. It also sets out
how you can access or correct your personal information and lodge a complaint. Bauer may disclose your personal information offshore to its owners, joint venture partners, service providers and agents located throughout the world, including in NZ, USA, the Philippines and the European Union. In addition, this issue may contain Reader Offers, being offers, competitions or surveys. Reader Offers may require you to
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BRAIN N GAMESS BR RAIN GAM MES BRAIIN GAM MES BRA AIN GAM MES
SUDOKU
FILL the grid so that every column, every row and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 to 9.
be disclosed by us to other organisations for use by them to inform you about other products, services or events or to give to other organisations that may use this information for this purpose. If you require further information, please contact Bauer’s Privacy Officer either by email at
[email protected] or mail at Privacy Officer Bauer Media Pty Ltd, 54-58 Park Street, Sydney NSW 2000.
TERMS & CONDITIONS Entry is open to residents of Australia aged 15 years and over. Employees of the Promoter and their immediate families and agencies associated with this promotion are ineligible to enter. Entrants under the age of 18 years must have prior parental or legal guardian consent to enter. This issue’s Beast/Moviecross/Swirl-A-Sleb promotion opens January 16 and closes February 17.The draw will take place at Bauer Media, 54 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000 on March 3 at 11am (AEST/AEDST when applicable).Winners will be notified by mail using the contact details on their entries and their names will be published in People magazine on April 24. This issue’s Maxi promotion opens December 19 and closes on February 17. The draw will take place at Bauer Media, 54 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000 on March 3 at 11am (AEST/AEDST).The winner will be notified by mail using the contact details given in their entry and their name will be published in People magazine on April 24. The judges’ decision is final and binding on all who enter and no correspondence will be entered into. Enter by correctly completing the relevant crossword/puzzle during the promotional period found in the relevant issue of People magazine and sending the completed coupon to the appropriate address as follows: Beast: The Beast No. 03, c/- People magazine, PO Box 5507, Sydney, NSW 2001. Moviecross: Moviecross No. 03, c/- People magazine, PO Box 5536, Sydney, NSW 2001. Swirl-A-Sleb: Swirl-A-Sleb No. 03, c/- People magazine, PO Box 5536, Sydney, NSW 2001. Maxi: Maxi – January, c/- People magazine, PO Box 5508, Sydney, NSW 1181. Please see Bauer Media Privacy notice below. Full terms and conditions can be found at www.bauer-media.com.au/terms/competition-terms. The Promoter is Bauer Media Pty Ltd (ABN 18 053 273 546) of 54 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000. Phone: (02) 9282 8000. Authorised under permit number: NSW: LTPM/16/00605.
SWIRL-A-SLEB 1
READER SUBMISSIONS By sending us a photograph or letter, you grant to us the perpetual, worldwide right to publish and otherwise use that photograph or letter in all media and warrant to us that doing so will not infringe the rights of any person. You agree that we may edit the photograph or letter in our absolute discretion.
WIN $100
FORTNIGHTLY!
2
SOMEONE has taken these celebs and messed with their heads. Can you unswirl their faces and identify them? First correct entry drawn after the closing date wins $100!
HINT: Top-ranked German tennis lady.
3
HINT: Oz High Commissioner to the UK.
4
1 2 3 4 Clip out this coupon – OR PHOTOCOPY THIS PAGE – and send to: Swirl-A-Sleb No. 03, c/– People, PO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001.
NAME: ADDRESS: POSTCODE:
HINT: Rockferry singer-turned-actress.
HINT: Star of 2017 flick The Mummy.
PHONE:
Swirl-A-Sleb entries close February 17. Answers to be printed April 10. Winner to be printed April 24. See page 40 for terms and conditions and the privacy notice.
DIGITAL AGE
Y
EAH, those “Mannequin Challenge” videos are cool (especially the vid made by th WWE wrestlers), but not as co – or as TANTALISINGLY SAUCY – as th “One-Finger Selfie Challenge” photos that have been popping up lately on Twitter and Instagram. These involve SPUNKY LAYDEEZ posing naked in a mirror, but strateg lly covering their breasts and vaginas u ng only a single finger – the trick being o make the digit do DOUBLE DUTY th ugh strategic use of the reflection. Make sense? Well, in case we’ve done a SHITHOUSE JOB of explaining ho the process works, just look at the e examples. Then proceed to the ne est OOR to bathroom with a LOCK ON THE DO have a crack at the challenge you se . Feel free to send us the NEAR NUDE RESULTS, champions! Er…but on y if you’re a hot chick.
FISH’N’NIPS
F O H CAT Y A D E TH Y, readers. If you re AN LIN for a great gift to give to that special fisherman in your life, then look no further than the 2017 Carponizer Carp Calendar. Beautiful women holding beautiful fish to plug an online German retailer of carp fishing gear? What could be more perfect? As the hard-selling (one might even call it DESPERATE-SOUNDING) blurb on Amazon.co.uk states, “Carponizer has managed to courageously make every month of the year that little bit more special. Twelve magnificent carp steal the limelight in 2017, accompanied by women who are no less attractive.” The blurb states the calendar is a “must-have for any passionate angler and lover of fish” and will “make men’s hearts beat faster”. OK, Amazon, now you’re just taking the piss. The calendar is available for £16.90, but give it a few more weeks and you’ll probably be able to pick it up for a SQUID…er, quid.
This sexy carp calendar is off the hook!
WIN!
FUNNY SHIT
$20 LETTERS
Photo finish
JOKES Fishy logic
A SHIP sinks in the middle of BEST the ocean, where two great JOKE whites, a father and son, spot it. They arrive to find some survivors floating in the water. “Follow me, son,” says the dad. “First, we swim around them a few times with just our fin tips showing.” They do. “Well done, son! Now, we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing. And THEN, and only then, do we eat them.” When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them when we first got here? Why did we swim around and around?” His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside them.” Greg, Tas
Nasty traffic Q. WHAT’S one good thing you can say about paedophiles? A. At least they drive slowly past schools. Chris, Qld
Hard times
AN OLD bloke goes for a medical and asks, “Doc, when I was 30 and I got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it. At 50, I could bend it 10-15 degrees with both hands. Now I’m 70, I can bend it 20 degrees with one hand.” The quack tells him it’s all part of getting older, but the bloke isn’t satisfied.
THE GAG REEL
THE Pope was having a shower in the Vatican and decided to exercise the Papal wrist while fantasising about a sexy lady saint. Just as he reached the Papal climax, a paparazzo stuck his camera through the bathroom window and took a picture of the holy seed flying through the air. “Hold on a minute!” exclaimed the Pope. “You can’t do that – you’ll destroy the reputation of the Church!” “This is my winning lottery ticket!” crowed the bastard snapper. “I’ll be financially secure for life with this pic!” In desperation, the Pope agreed to buy the digital camera and all of its contents
from the photographer, on the spot, for $2 million. The Pope dressed and headed off to find a hammer to smash the camera to bits. In the hall, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photo buff, she noticed the camera and said, ‘That’s a very professional-looking camera, Your Holiness. How much did it cost you?’ Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “Um…it cost me $2 million.” “TWO MILLION DOLLARS?!” gasped the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming!” GO, NSW
Send your best gag to Funny Shit, c/- People, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001, or email it to
[email protected] (include Funny Shit in the subject line). “That may be so,” he begins, “but just how much stronger am I going to get?” DU, NSW
Fantasy fuck
NURSE Annie gets a job in a mental institution. On her first day, she sees one of the patients, Ken, pretending to drive. She asks him what he’s doing and he waves her away. “I’ve gotta get this truck to Darwin,” he says. She figures this is par for the course and leaves him alone. Later, she sees the same patient pretending to drive, and goes to talk to him. “I’m sorry,” Ken says. “I just arrived in Darwin and need to get some sleep.” Annie walks away, only to find another patient, Ted, masturbating furiously.
Horrified, she asks him what he thinks he’s doing. “Shhhhhhh!” he snaps. “I’m shagging Ken’s wife while he’s away in Darwin.” Mick, Qld
Not-so-fine print
AN OLD woman calls her GP in distress and says, “You told me I had to take this medication for the rest of my life!” “That’s right,” he replies, “What about it?” “Well,” says the woman, “why does my prescription say ‘no repeats’?” AW, NSW
Oldie not a boldie
A BLOKE in his 60s goes to a new GP for the first time. The doc runs some tests,
The best one-liners from professional jokers
BONNIE McFARLANE
JIMMY PARDO
“A lot of women don’t don t like to go jogging alone at night. They’re a raid they might get accosted. I go naked. hat way, if theere are any perverts around they thinkk I’m alreaddy being chased.
“The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch. It d esn sound like big deal, t I stopped the ditch, loo left and ri ht then drove int the ditch.”
46
$50 PICTURES
ADAM FERRA A ‘I’M A CATH LIC BASICAL Y, THE CATH LIC RELIGION N IS: IF IT FEE ELS GOOD – S OP!
then tells the bloke he’s doing “well enough for his age”. “What does that mean?” asks the bloke. “Do you think I’ll live to 90?” “Let me see,” says the doctor. “Do you smoke tobacco or drink heavily?” “Nope,” says the bloke. “Don’t smoke, barely ever drink. No drugs, either.” “OK,” says the doctor. “Do you eat a lot of red meat?” “No,” says the bloke. “My old GP told me avoid red meat.” “What about time in the sun?” asks the doctor. “Golf, walking, the beach?” “Barely any,” says the bloke. “I’m worried about skin cancer.” “How much time do you spend gambling, having sex or driving fast cars?” “None,” says the bloke. “I don’t gamble, I’m celibate and I ride a bicycle.” “Right,” says the doctor, consulting his notes. “So why should you give a fuck if you live to 90?” BM, WA
CAUGHT IN THE NET
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Fridge broken? Just crank up the aircon!
CSI Alabama Q. WHY is it hard for police to solve redneck murders? A. The DNA’s all the same and there are no dental records! Mike, SA
A fair cop
A COP finished his shift one evening and came home to be greeted by his wife. “You won’t believe what happened,” he said. “In all my years on the force, I’ve never seen anything like it.” “What happened?” she asked. “I came across two guys down by the creek, one of them drinking battery acid and the other eating fireworks.” “Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks? What did you do?” “Well, I had no choice,” said the cop. “I charged one and let the other off.” Stevie, Vic
“Giz some bird seed, ya bitch!”
Get a ’shroom
A MUSHROOM walks into a pub and starts hitting on a sexy young woman at the bar. He tries his best one-liners, but she’s not impressed. After a bit more saucy chat, she cracks it and turns him down flat. Not willing, to concede defeat, the mushroom pleads, “C’mon, lady, give me a chance. I’m a fun guy.” Shazza, NSW
“Me? A cannibal? Whatever gave you that idea?”
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MAMMARY LANE VICKI | SWEDEN | MAY 6, 2013
Take a break with Vicki’s KitKat
VICKI | SWEDEN | MAY 6, 2
FEMME FACTS IF YOU’RE special, this Swedish babe might let you touch her KitKat. If you’re REALLY special, Vicki will even invite you to EAT IT. She likes that: “I’m very appreciative when it happens.” And we appreciate the chance to give it a go!
‘YES, MY KITKAT TASTES LIKE HEAVEN’
IMPORTANT! Send entries to: Win!, c/- People magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Entries close 5pm, Friday, February 17.
WIN STUFF!
f Violence LKI (www.lkibrand. com), RRP: $49.95 What’s the guts? Heading into the wilderness is fun – exploring new places and enjoying extreme activities (like bushwalking, mountain climbing and…outdoor chess) while roughing it in exotic parts (like Mt Wycheproof in Victoria). However, a bit of luxury doesn’t go astray, eh? That’s why campers and extreme sportsmen should get their hands on the new LKI Shift Backpack. It’s made from 600D Polyester, which means it can handle
the brutal, shiitkickin’ lifestyle an actions sports hose addict (hey, th ss extreme ches players an get pretty rough). Anythin el s on Nice features k the backpack include the k panel padded back ves (which improves comfort and reduces fatigue), a headphone rubber circle and an interior organiser. That makes it the perfect backpack for work, school or play! And it’s Australian-made, too, readers! Final word: Shift yer arse and buy one!
WIN!
Outback Survival By Bob Cooper Hachette Australia, out now, RRP: $24.99 What’s the guts? The Aussie outback is an incredible place filled with gorgeous landscapes and breathtaking features, but it’s also an unforgiving region that’ll kill you quicker than Ivan Milat if you’re not prepared. That’s where this essential book comes in handy. Anything else? Bob provides invaluable tips on making your outback adventure as safe and fun as possible. He has 30 years’ experience in survival skills and will teach readers how to keep warm, build a shelter, signal for help and find food. There’s also Bob’s outback driving guide. Have a copy close at hand and you’ll know how to survive even the harshest environment. Final word: Russell Coight has nothing on us! WE’RE giving away THREE copies, thanks to our mates at Hachette. To score a copy, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE your fave outback location and why. The three most interesting answers will get a book. Mark your entries “Outback Survival comp”.
WIN!
THE beaut travellers at LKI have sent us THREE backpacks for this comp. To win yours, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE the coolest place you’ve gone backpacking (or camping). The three most interesting answers will get a pack. Mark your entries “LKI Shift Backpack comp”.
Un rsal Sony, rated MA, out Jan. 19, RRP: $34.95 (DVD)/$39.95 (Blu-ray) Whaat’s the guts? Quiet drifter Paul and his dog wander into the iisolated frontier town of Denton. He winds up making enemies with several nasty locaals including the powerful Marrshal. When Paul is brutally beaaten and his dog killed, he re rns to the town to wreak a terrible vengeance. If this sounds like the plot of Johhn Wick, then erm…yeah, it’s very similar. Anyything else? Filmed in the same vein as Thee Magnificent Seven, In A Valley of Violence is a rollicking, gun-smokin’ black comedy wit with a star-studded cast including Ethan Hawke, Karen Gillan and John Travolta. Expect plenty of fisticuffs, gunplay and swearwords – it’s a modern western after all. Final word: West in peace. THE peace-lovin’ people at Universal Sony have sent us FIVE DVDs for this comp. To enter, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE the last time you successfully avoided a spot of violence. The five closest calls will get a DVD. Mark your entries “In A Valley of Violence comp”.
WIN!
Exeter Eagle Entertainment, rated R, out now, RRP: $29.95 (DVD) What’s the guts? Deserted lunatic asylums, crazy priests, drug-addled teens exorcisms and ouija boards – sounds like we have all the ingredients for a bloody good horror fillum. When Patrick and his mates hold a party in a creepy abandoned building, they accidentally summon a demonic entity that possesses the party-goers one by one and turns them into psychotic killers. Anything else? As the teens scramble to save their crazy friends, they make one blunder after another. But what does the entity really
WIN!
want? And what does it have to do with Patrick and his best mate, the slightly weird Father Conway, who has a sinister secret from the past? Final word: Devil of a good time. Pass the crucifixes.
THE demon-summoning dudes at Eagle have given us FIVE DVDs to hand out. To enter, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE the scariest place you’ve ever gone. The five spookiest answers will score a DVD. Mark your entries “Exeter comp”. Please state you’re over 18 when entering this comp.
MODEL CITIZENS Where local girls do their nude duty!
BLAIR | ENGLAND
ROXANNE | BR ZI
ARIEL | Perth RA | POLA SAR
KODY | Chippendale
e babes from your ’hood!
BRAZIL What’s the BEST thing about Brazil? “The MEN! They’re so tanned, sexy and have beautiful bodies.” Do you also like Aussie blokes? “Oooh, yeah. They’re respectful and sexy, too, especially the surfie types.” You Brazilian girls are HOT AS! “We have the biggest and best assets on Earth: our BUMS!” They’re delightful. Do you surf or anything like that? “Yes, I live on the Gold Coast and go surfing all the time!” Played any cricket? “That’s actually my other favourite Aussie thing to do.”
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PICS BY IDARE PHOTOGRAPHY
PICS BY IDARE PHOTOGRAPHY
ROXANNE | 19
SUMMER | 28 Reedy Creek | QLD Would you root a bloke on a first date “Yeah...if he’s hot and you can tell he’s decent, there’s nothing wrong with it.” Where was the strangest place you woke up after a night out? “In a park about 10km from my hous The grass was all dewy.” Tell us about the tatt on your shoulder. “It was my first tattoo and a tribute to a family member.” Are you hooked on ink now? “It’s addictive. I have plans to get A LO more now.” Anything in particular? “I’d like to get a massive dreamcatche up the side of my body.”
‘I’D ROOT A BLOKE ON A FIRST DATE. WHY NOT?’
‘I OWN A FEW SEX TOYS AND I TOTALLY LOVE THEM’
KITTY | 24 Loganlea | QLD Have your titties been nicknamed? “Yeah, they’re called The Ninjas!” Awesome. How come? “I was sleeping with my girlfriend when I rolled over and nearly suffocated her with my boobs by mistake.” As you do. Ever weighed those bad boys, Kitty? “They weigh approximately 2.5 kilograms each.” Heavy! Has a family member ever stumbled over one of your sex toys? “My uncle once saw a dildo sitting on my bedside table.” Awkward! Tell us something else. “I enjoy mud and jelly wrestling.”
SARA | 22 POLAND Do most chicks own a sex toy? “They do…but MOST of us keep that a secret.” What about your good self? “I own a few sex toys and I totally LOVE them.” What kind of blokes do you find hawtest, Sara? “The ones who are passionate about health and training, but are also smart, caring and respectful.” That’s quite a long list. “A good sense of humour and independence are important, too.” What turns you OFF, buddy? “Cocky narcissists.”
MODEL CITIZENS
PICS BY GAVIN FOSTER
TOP TRAVELLER!
YUKI | 18 JAPAN Hey, Yuki. That’s a nice hairy bush you’ve got there. “Most Japanese girls have hairy pussies. It’s cultural and makes us women.” Are you experienced in the bedroom? “I’ve had my fair share of dick. I’d say the biggest was an American’s penis. We met in Tokyo.” Tell us more. “He approached me in a bar and we had a few drinks before booking a walk-in hotel.” Did he pay? “Of course he paid.” You are a bloody legend. Are you a kinky fuck, mate? “I think so. Men love a kinky gal in bed and I think MOST women like being kinky.”
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‘MEN LOVE A KINKY GAL IN BED...WE LIKE BEING KINKY’
PICS BY LES DWIGHT
‘I’M A STRIPPER... AND I’M A NATURAL’
PICS BY LE ES DWIGHT
ARIEL | 21 Perth | WA What is your favourite animated movie, Ariel? “The Little Mermaid. I’ve seen it 20 times.” And your second fave? “Probably…Aladdin. I’ve seen that 20 times, too.” So you like them equally? “If I was only allowed to watch one or the other, it’d be The Little Mermaid.” Do you have The Little Mermaid bed sheets, mate? “I used to, but not anymore.” Can you deep-throat cock? “Yep, I love doing it because I enjoy a challenge.”
BLAIR | 21 ENGLAND What are you doing Down Under? “I’m a stripper. It was completely new to me when I got here.” Do you go alright in the G-banger? “I’m a natural, although there’s stuff I’m still learning.” Would you recommend downing a few shots beforehand? “I used to drink before hitting the stage but not anymore.” Do you like to kick on after work? “Nah, I go home to recover and read a book.” Whatchoo reading now, matey? “A book called Body Language – it’s a guide on how to read people.”
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MODEL CITIZEN LUCIA LOVE | 28 ENGLAND
‘I TRIED TO TACKLE THREE DICKS AT ONCE’
Welcome back, stranger. This is a pretty bloody obvious question, but are you a fan of man-meat? “I tried to tackle THREE dicks at once, but could only fit two of them in my mouth.” Ten outta 10 for effort, though. What about in your box? “Again…just the two in my pussy. I gave it a good crack, though.” You sure did. Can a bloke do anything to make his spoof taste better, Lucia? “Nope. It tastes great just as it is. I fucking LOVE IT!” Some gals don’t. Why’s that? “Dunno. Some things gross girls out, but swallowing cum is a real turn-on for me.” What’s your favourite activity AFTER a shag? “Going down to the pub and downing a few pints.”
KINKY CUTIE!
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Chippendale | NSW Do you like a bit of the old foreplay, Kody? “I’m a big fan of it. But it’s gotta be 50/50.” We’d eat you out! Have you ever seen a REALLY huge knob? “I saw one that was SO BIG I ran away. True story.” Ha! What was the biggest knob you DIDN’T do a runner on? “It was eight inches and I got it all in my mouth and pussy.” Attagirl. Do you like a backdoor bang, spunky? “I’ve done it. It was painful but I had an orgasm.” It was totally worth it, then! What’s your pussy like? “Like a virgin’s: nice and TIGHT.” They’re the best kind!
‘I GOT ALL HIS EIGHT INCHES IN MY MOUTH AND PUSSY’
PIC BY IDARE PHOTOGRAPHY
KODY | 24
MODEL CITIZENS
RETRO CITS!
CASSIE, 21
Surfers, Qld
November 23, 2009
CASSIE reveals, “Any man willing to try anything, like taking me anally, is going to do well.” She enjoys using a vibe on her pussy while getting banged up the bum, too!
JOANNE, 25 ENGLAND
November 23, 2009 LIKE most visiting Poms, you can be sure they’re keen on sex in the surf: “I went down to the beach with a guy. The best part was the size of his black COCK.”
MEL, 20 Ashmore, QLD July 11, 2011 HOT blondes can expect to be regularly chatted up and Mel is no exception: “Most of my girlfriends are hot, so we ALL get hit on equally.” Makes sense.
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RANA, 18
Adelaide, SA
November 23, 2009
JULIANNA, 27
RANA would be great to both root AND hang out with: “It’s fun having mates over to get blind and watch the footy.” And, after that, have a SHAG, we expect.
HUNGARY
July 11, 2011 THIS gal’s HUNGARY (ha!) for nipple play: “They are very sensitive, especially when a man has his tongue on them.”
ESTELLE, 20 Perth, WA
September 1, 2014 APPARENTLY, women with tongue piercings give GREAT head: “I have TWO tongue piercings, which gets A LOT of people excited when I tell them.” DOUBLE the fun!
MODEL CITIZEN
WEEK
ANNISA | 23 Mile End | SA Hey Annisa. Do you love the penis? “I love it any which way, any which HOW! But mostly up my pussy… where it belongs.” That’s great but can we occasionally put it in your bumhole, too? “I’ve enjoyed dicks in both holes. A girlfriend told me she had the BEST orgasm from double penetration, which is why I decided to give anal sex a go.” And how was it? “It was out of this world. Seriously, if you can handle two cocks, go for it.” Have you always been this wild? “I was a virgin until I was 19, but I made up for lost time once my cherry was busted. I fucked so many guys before my 20th birthday.” What’s your record for number of partners in one night? “Four dudes, me and my girlfriend. That was after we shared a bottle of tequila and wanted to up our fun.”
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BECOME A MODEL CIT JUST LIKE ANNISA ‘I FUCKED SO MANY GUYS BEFORE MY TWENTIETH’
Hey, ladies! Pose topless and you’ll score a cool $100. Get completely starkers and receive $150! Citizen Of The Week receives $400! Our favourite Model Citizens have the chance to pose again as a Harem or Centrefold model and score up to $1000!
OFFICIAL MODEL CITIZENS ENTRY COUPON SEND this coupon to: Model Citizens, c/People, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Once we receive it, we’ll put you in touch with one of our ace photographers, who’ll take lovely pics for use in our mag! ■ Yes, I want to be a Model Citizen (please tick). I hereby give People the right to use my photos on the internet, and on MMS, SMS or DVD. ■ I am over 18 years of age and attach a photocopy of photo ID (eg. driver’s licence). NAME: ADDRESS: PHONE (Home): PHONE (Work): SIGNATURE: By signing this agreement, I signify I have read, understand and agree to be bound by the important terms and conditions below. Important terms and conditions: 1. I acknowledge and agree that the publisher of People magazine, Bauer Media (Bauer), its licensees or assigns may publish or authorise the publication of the pictures of me in any layout or format, in whole or in part, without restriction as to changes or alterations made from time to time and accompanied by any text and/ or graphics it chooses without further reference to me. 2. I hereby assign to Bauer Media the worldwide copyright to the photographs and acknowledge that Bauer Media may exercise all of the rights of the copyright owner in respect of the photographs, including using or licensing the publication of the photos in other publications and using or licensing the publication of the photographs in any format including (but not limited to) DVD, MMS, CD-ROM or the internet. 3. I release Bauer Media, its employees, agents, related companies and assigns from all actions, suits, causes of actions, claims and demands whatsoever which I may have at any time in connection with the photographs or arising from or relating to their publication in print or electronic media, including and liability by virtue of any blurring, distortion, alteration, context or otherwise, including (but not limited to) any action for defamation. 4. I acknowledge that persons sending Model Citizens photos without the written permission of the subject will be liable to criminal prosecution.
✂
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THE HAREM MARGOT | 27 | BROOME, WA
WANNA TASTE? Margot gets creative with a mango!
FEMME FACTS HER mates call her “Messy Margot”, ’cos the crazy skimpy likes a beer or seven once she’s finished work. After that, challenge her to a drinking game or, better still, a MANGO-STUFFING CONTEST! Yep, MESSY is the perfect word to describe Margot.
THE HAREM MARGOT | 27 | BROOME, WA
‘THE MANGO’S STICKINESS ON MY SKIN MADE ME HORNY’
S
O WHILE we’re content to let our significant others get a bit kinky in the bedroom with a juicy strawberry or perhaps a slice of Kraft cheese, we draw the line at larger food items. Not Margot, though. She once fucked herself with a MANGO. To which we say, FUGGIN’ HELL!
WHAT’S up, Margot? “A MANGO! I stuck a little one UP MY CUNT for a dare last week. Me and some friends were playing drinking games after work, then one of them challenged me to do it.” You have some interesting friends. Soooooooooo… how did it feel? “Sticky. Actually, the mango’s stickiness on my skin made me horny as fuck, so I was keen to hook up with one of my mates afterwards. He wound up enjoying a meal of mashed mango and pussy juice.” You seem like a wild, fun gal, mate. Whatchoo do for a crust? “I do skimpy barmaid work all around West Oz. It pays well and I enjoy SHOWING MY TITS to guys in the pub.” Ever got together with any of the horny patrons? “A few times. The best experience I had was in Kalgoorlie last year, when I met two fit blokes and we got on REALLY well. After I knocked off, we had a few more drinks, then went back to their place for a threesome. I rang my mum the next morning and confessed, ‘I shagged two randoms and I didn’t even know their names!’” Your old gal sounds pretty cool. “Yeah, she’s in her mid-40s but she’s young at heart and is like my best friend. We’ve even gone on a few double dates.” Isn’t that awkward? “Nah…one evening, we double-dated at a restaurant and she hit it off with her fella, so they left halfway through the date to FUCK EACH OTHER’S BRAINS OUT. I didn’t get on that well with his mate, so we finished dessert and went our separate ways.” Righto. Finally, what’s your favourite tipple? “Booze-wise, it’s Scotch and Coke. I’m also a big fan of mango smoothies.” We thought you’d say that, Margot.
‘I SHAGGED TWO RANDOMS AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEIR NAMES!’
TRUE BLUE CONFESSIONS I HAVE a huge fetish for SPOOF. first Ever since I copped that t load of white-hot ball sauce on hing for the my face, I’ve had a th outh, on gooey stuff. In my mo my toes…I want it bloody EVERYWHERE – and I always hat. let my lovers know th es are My favourite movie BUKKAKE VIDEOS where the gals get coated with litres of cum. I FRIG MYSELF RIGID watching them! Just about the onlyy place I hadn’t copped 10cccs over the e, since years was in my arse I was AN ANAL VIRGIN. boyfriend So it was my new b Mitch who gave me TTWO firsts one night. “Can I fuck you up the bum?” hile our he asked casually wh wise attention was otherw occupied with Watch Dogs 2 on the PS4. “I think you’d love it. And I’m sure you’ll appreciate having my jiz up your back passage…” The sly bastard knew me too well. ote I dropped the remo and went to the bathroom eline. to fetch a jar of Vase arned “You go slow!” I wa him, before handing Mitch the jar and gettting myself ready by suckking his dick while fingering my wet pussy. Mitch scooped a handful of Vaseline onto his dick, runningg his fist back and forth till his member glistened.
FILL ME UP He placed a cushion under my arse and pressed the head of HIS THICK SIX-INCHER at the entrance to my fudge-tunnel. He slowly fed his meat into my tight hole and I was relieved to find that I felt nothing but PLEASURE. Once he was completely inside me, I felt so
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‘I FELT SO FULL I IMMEDIATELY ORGASMED’
full I IMMEDIATELY ORGASMED and so did Mitch. “Jeeez, that was a bit soon,” he murmured, his wilting member sliding out of the hole. “That’s OK, babe,” I grinned, feeling wonderful as jism OOZED OUT OF MY BUNGHOLE. “Let’s rest, then go again.”
The second time went much longer. Mitch’s body shook as another load escaped his sack. “Stay in me! Stay in me!” I screamed as I climaxed again. “I want EVERY FUCKING DROP!” Mitch stayed in me for ages as we both fell asleep. Billie, SA
SEND IN A YARN AND
SCORE $50! Post it to: True Blue Confessions c/– People magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Or email your filthy story to
[email protected]!
PORN TO ROOT
FOR a bloke who’s barely 20 years old, I reckon my porno DVD collection is epic. Someone else who thinks it’s awesome is my flatmate Danny’s mum. She was visiting one day when she stumbled upon one of my DVDs that I’d stupidly left on the coffee table in the living room. She laughed when she showed it to me and, being cheeky, I told her there were PLENTY more where that came from. “You’re a DIRTY PRICK, eh?” she leered, giving me a look as if she was seeing me in a new light. “Maybe you can show me a few of your faves one day.” I grew a boner, but kept my cool and told Andrea that she should invite me over for dinner some time when Danny was out with his girlfriend. I never expected the text, but when it came all I could think
‘I WAS GONNA PLOUGH MY MATE’S MUM’ about was ploughing my mate’s 45-year-old mum. I headed to her place with a bottle of cheap red and a bag containing six MILF pornos. Andrea didn’t bother to open the bag – she pulled down my strides as I walked in and led me into her bedroom. We did EVERYTHING that evening. I’ll never forget the last sesh. I was titty-fucking Andrea’s fakies while she banged herself with the WINE BOTTLE, then I splattered jiz on her neck and chin. Andrea had OUT-FILTHED THE FILTHIEST PORN STAR. Tom, NSW
DYKE CRIKEY! EVER rooted a LESBIAN? It sounds weird, but I have and it was the best sex I’ve ever had. God knows how it began. I was half-cut and sitting at my local, watching UFC on the big screen and knocking back Jim Beam and Cokes. Kaz was at another table and we got talking about MMA. The 30+ chick dressed like a man and made it obvious she batted for the other side, as she raved how she’d like to munch on Ronda Rousey’s MUFF. We chatted away like old mates, buying each other bourbons. After three hours, Kaz asked if I’d like to go back to her house and watch another UFC DVD. Sure, I said. As we walked there, she put her arm around my waist, then
‘KAZ WASTED NO TIME FREEING MY COBRA’ pulled me to her and KISSED ME ON THE LIPS. “Er…what was that?” I asked. Kaz laughed, then reached down and squeezed my tool. “I dunno – maybe I’ve been MISSING COCK, but I suddenly have the urge to fuck you.” As a 20-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN, I wasn’t gonna say no. We got home and Kaz wasted no time in freeing my SPITTING
COBRA from my jeans and introducing it to her normally ladies-only vadge. She slowed my frantic thrusting and got me into a rhythm that made her moan. Of course, I blew in less than a minute. But with some coaching from Kaz and my youthful stamina, she soon had two big Os of her own. I stayed the night and Kaz made me breakfast, then kicked me out before her girlfriend got back from a trip. I left with SORE BALLS and a big smile on my dial. Johnny, ACT
WORK RELATIONSHIP I’M ONE of those chicks who thinks about sex A LOT…and follows through. It’s got in the way of meaningful relationships, ’cos my significant other has found out that I drunkenly fucked a stranger. It wouldn’t be so bad if I felt bad about cheating, but I don’t. I enjoy every moment of it. Thankfully, I’m now single, which means I can ROOT AROUND to my heart’s content. Enter David. He was new to the office, young and handsome. In fact, he was a real stud. My smoo was dripping as soon as I laid eyes on him and ck I knew I had to have his dick in my mouth as soon as n possible. Hell, I didn’t even waste time waiting for Friday drinks to seduce him. “Hey,” I emailed David on his first day at work, “I’m just going outside for a smoke. Wanna come?”
“I don’t smoke,” he replied. “Neither do I.” David looked up, caught my eye and I winked. He nodded toward the fire door, then stood and made his exit. I followed a minute later. Once we were at the bottom of the stairs, David took TOTAL CONTROL, pushing me against the cold concrete wall and hiking my skirt in one motion. His tool was hard in seconds and he eagerly poked into the flimsy gauze of my Victoria’s Secret panties. I eased them to one side and he was instantly inside me, thrusting hurriedly in case we
‘HE POKED INTO THE FLIMSY GAUZE OF MY PANTIES’ were busted mid-fuck by a fellow worker. “Ease up, tiger,” I cooed. “You can take your time.” I told David to pull out and turned around, so he could screw me from behind. “Uhhhh, I’m gonna cum,” he muttered after 10 minutes. I swiftly s grabbed his tool and jerrked r him off till he spilled his s seed on the floor. “Once we get to know each other,” t I said while readjusting m knickers, “I’ll let you cum my inside me.” Sally, NSW
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THE BACK DOOR AVA ADDAMS | 37 | THE CENTREFOLD, DECEMBER 5
BLOWN
AWAY HOW do anal orgasms differ to vaginal ones, Ava? “Both are incredible but in a completely different way.” Curious – can you elaborate? “Cumming from anal is SUPER-INTENSE. I don’t know how else to explain it other than that: SUPER-INTENSE.” You’re into rumpy-pumpy, with a heavy emphasis on the RUMP. “I love it and I also love double penetrations. I’d really like to do more of those.”
‘CUMMING FROM ANAL IS SUPERINTENSE’
NEXT ISSUE ON SALE JAN. 30
