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START
EASY, TIGERS! AFL premiers reckon these tits deserve a medal!
T
HE Richmond Tigers won their first AFL flag in 37 years last month and, naturally, the lads went a little MENTAL celebrating their monumental efforts. Along the way, one of the members of the historic team – quite possibly under the influence of many litres of AMBER FLUID – did something very few of us will EVER get the chance to do: he handed his premiership medal to a passing TOPLESS LADY and asked her to pose for a photo while wearing it. Being a discreet man, he avoided snapping her face. Which was very decent of him. And yet, for some puzzling reason, a few wowsers have started complaining about this champion Tiger’s magnanimous act. Honestly, as Mad Monday efforts go, this is pretty tame behaviour. It’s not like he set fire to a DWARF or anything.
CONTENTS
TALK TO US BY MAIL: GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001 BY EMAIL:
[email protected] BY PHONE: (02) 9288 9686 FACEBOOK: aussiepeople TWITTER: PeopleOz
Readers: please note our new PO box address.
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FULL FRONTAL UFC BABE TOPLESS PORN WATCH NEWS TO US R.I.P. HUGH HEFNER ANIMAL HOUSE THE CENTREFOLD
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33 40 46 52 53 68 70
BRAIN GAMES T&Cs FUNNY SHIT WIN STUFF! MODEL CITIZENS TRUE BLUE THE BACK DOOR
ALL ABOUT EV
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Poland’s BIGGEST pin-up model returns due to popular demand! PHOTOS BY LIPSTICK SYNDICATION
F THE thousands of letters we receive at People Towers each week, 65% are requests that we do something HORRIBLE to work experience cunt Bogdan, like packing him in a cardboard box and shipping him on a one-way trip to Antarctica. The other 35% are about stacked Polish stunna Eva Wyrwal and her BIG MAMS!
‘DANCING ON REALITY TEEVEE HELPED IMPROVE MY FIGURE’
Take this letter from Tony A. of Canberra, who writes, “Phwoooooar! I’m so glad I didn’t become a priest, so I could perv on Eva’s incredible melons and not suffer from CATHOLIC GUILT. I don’t believe in global warming, but I’d love to warm Eva’s GLOBES…by rubbing my VEINY LOVE-FERRET all over them!” Alright, Tones, settle down. Still, you have to admire the man’s enthusiasm about the multi-talented 28-year-old Euro-stunna who, in recent years, has Starred alongside Danny McBride, James Franco and Natalie Portman in 2011’s cack-a-minute comedy Your Highness Finished 11th in Taniec z Gwiazdami (Poland’s version of Dancing With The Stars), AND Found time in her busy modelling schedule to spit out a bub! Of her brief career as a reality TV contestant, Eva said, “It was a new challenge and a new experience for
me that helped IMPROVE MY FIGURE. I also want to show people ANOTHER SIDE of myself.” Personally, as nice as her dancing was on the show, we prefer the side of Eva on display in this photographic feature: starkers and showing off her WARSAW WUMBAS. We’re sure her millions of fans in Australia agree, so please enjoy these perfect pictures of the pretty, pants-off Pole. Meanwhile, we’re off to track down a man-sized box to stuff Bogdan in. Someone hold the prick still.
FULL FRONTAL The latest in nudity from around the globe!
LATINA LUNGS
RUDE IN RUSSIA
MOSCOW MINX What we DON’T know about Evgenia Talanina could fill a book. Shit, we DON’T even know if we’ve spelt her name correctly. Here’s what we DO know… she’s a glamma model from Saint Petersburg, Russia, she’s got GINORMOUS JUGS and she probably still has that NEW CAR SMELL.
MISS EARTH’S HEMISPHERE ONE thing’s for sure, the judging panel at Miss Earth Venezuela got a whole lot STICKIER once the swimsuit section started. Fabianny Zambrano, a 24-year-old representing the region of Barinas, was unable to keep her INQUISITIVE LEFT TIT from popping out live on Venezuelan TV. She’s got our vote!
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DEUCE JUICE
SHARING
THE LOVE The freshest flesh on celebrity social media
It’s photos like these that make it pretty fucking obvious why Brit model Demi Rose Mawby, 22, has more than FIVE MILLION Instagram followers.
SWINGIN’ IN THE 70s BACK in 1971 every chick had a hearty muff that you could scrub dishes with. Unfortunately, we couldn’t check out the hairy havens of Kayla Foster (above and
above top) and Olivia Luccardi (above middle) in Foxtel’s new Showcase drama, The Deuce. They did get their tatas out for a TOUCHING lezzo scene, however.
Now that she’s become a professional Snapchatter, Sara Jean Underwood tends to keep her lovely WIGWAMS hidden, but every now and then, they NIP OUT. If you catch our drift...
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FULL FR
MILLION DOLLAR BOOBIES OH, CANADA!
CRACK THE TOP OFF NOTHING gets us slapping the purple-headed custard-chucker more than when a chick removes her garments. That’s why we love the DIGITAL VISIONARIES at PSM magazine for posting this beaut moment when Canadian model Juliette Caron unleashed her PERFECT 34D PAPS.
DO YOU FEEL LUCKY, SPUNK?
SHE’S best known as the daughter of Dirty Harry, but Clint’s gal Francesca Eastwood is now making a name for herself after going TITS OUT recently on Malibu Beach. She may be still finding her feet as an actrine – enjoying small roles in TV series like Fargo and Twin Peaks – but the 24-year-old sure knows how to drum up great PR with topless stunts like this one.
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QUITE FAMOUS
STRIPPER Elizabeth Ruiz hit headlines last year after American football star Von Miller accused her of trying to blackmail him for $2.5 million over their sex tape. Tragically, it was destroyed, but she’s recreated her half of it in new sitcom White Famous.
SEX ON TAPE
MELISSA MOORE A POCKET rocket at just 5'3" above the dirt, Melissa Moore is a 21-year-old Texan Latina who’s notched up more than two years in the X-rated industry. She revealed, “My favourite position is the piledriver. You can’t really pull your head away to not view it. You can see what’s going in your pussy, and that’s really hot.” 11
FIGHTING FIT
Arianny Celeste’s chest is a real knockout
URE, every man and his dog loves
– has been with the UFC for 11 years, walking around the eight-sided cage holding a card with a number on it. It’s a very important job. And for all her hard work she’s made a SMALL FORTUNE while amassing more than 10 MILLION followers on social media. With CHEST PROTECTORS like hers, it’s easy to see WHY.
PORN WATCH Our no-holes-barred round-up of adult entertainment TRIPLE-X TWITTER The cream of the adult film world tell us what (and who) they’re doing!
HOLIDAY HUMPIN’ MOST holidays SUCK ARSE, frankly. You cart the whinging family halfway cross the country to catch up with relos you can’t stand while burning through a ton of cash on motels and petrol. And you can’t have a bloody beer because YOU’RE the designated driver and wanker RBT patrols are everywhere! If only more holidays could be like the one seen in Digital Playground’s excellent new feature, Couples Vacation. Imagine a vacation in an exotic resort surrounded by gorgeous stunnas like Mia Malkova, Britney Amber and Olive Glass (right), who want to do nothing more than EMPTY THE JISM from your ballsack, then pass you an ice-cold VB before chowing down on your meat-stick a second time. We need to go on vacation more often, but only if we can be with these hornbags!
‘Oh…I have to do oral today for a shoot! LMAO! Wish my mouth luck!’ – @DaisyDestin
COUPLES VACATION Starring: Britney Amber, Natalia Starr, Olive Glass Made by: Digital Playground Release date: out now
‘I love pizza but not as much as dick.’ – @SamiParkerxxx
AS SEEN ON TV FILTHY Farrah Abraham clearly loves the COCK. It was man-dick that got her up the duff when she was 16, which helped her land a spot in reality TV’s Teen Mom (2009-12). In 2013, the tocko-hungry Texan was taking James Deen’s peen up her jacksy in Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom and 2014’s Farrah 2: Backdoor And More.
When her most recent TV return didn’t pan out, Farrah’s decided she could earn extra money doing rude stuff as a live webcam gal. Apparently, last month’s online debut performance was a big hit with moneyed-up fans – as was her surgically rejigged VAGINA. We hope her live show involved PING-PONG BALLS. That would have been tops.
‘I want to buy a girl pizza and give her an orgasm while she eats it.’ – @Freya_Von_ Doom
S R IE M E R P E H T E R A E W 2017 AFL PREMIERS
MEN’S
WOMEN’S September 30, 2017: e dream came alive for thousands of Tigers fans. Now you can celebrate the Tigers’ eleventh AFL Premiership victory with these 2017 Toyota AFL Premiers Rings, only from e Bradford Exchange. Master crafted for the true Tigers fan, the ring is available in a men’s and a women’s style, each accented in 18K gold. e men’s ring cap is sculpted in the shape of an AFL field, with vibrant enamel inlays of the Tigers’. Fully sculpted goal posts curve up each side to embrace the the words “Richmond Premiers 2017” cast in rich dimensional detail. Four Swarovski crystals glitter with a champion look! e men’s band will be engraved with the date and score of the Tigers’ stunning victory. e women’s ring features two intertwining bands, glittering with 24 Swarovski crystals hued in those famous team colours and the band is engraved with the proud message “2017 AFL Premiers.” Act now to pre-order these limited releases! e men’s ring can be yours for just 5 instalments of $59.99 or $299.95, plus $19.99 postage and handling . e women’s edition is yours for only 5 instalments of $49.99 or $249.95, plus $19.99 P & H, each backed by our famous 120-day guarantee. Send no money now. Return the coupon, or go online today at www.bradford.com.au/champions
ur Each ring arrives with a FREE colo s of istic stat vital the iling deta let book ta the Tigers’ triumphant 2017 Toyo AFL Grand Final win!
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Pre-order today, go online:
www.bradford.com.au/champions Quoting promotion code: 94999 (Men’s) Quoting promotion code: 94998 (Women’s)
To find your perfect ring size, place one of your own rings on the chart and match a circle with the inside of your ring (a simple band works best for accurate measuring). Write your size in the coupon (below). Men sizes range between 8–15 and women sizes range between 5–12. ®™ THE AFL LOGO AND COMPETING TEAM LOGOS, EMBLEMS AND NAMES ON THIS PRODUCT ARE ALL TRADEMARKS OF AND USED UNDER LICENCE FROM THE OWNER THE AUSTRALIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE
THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE Premiers Men’s Ring” for me as described in this advertisement. I understand I need pay nothing now.
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Pre-order now for December delivery. All sales subject to product availability and reservation acceptance. Credit criteria may apply. Our privacy policy is available online at www.bradford.com.au. You must be over 18 years old to apply. From time to time, we may allow carefully screened companies to contact you. If you would prefer not to receive such offers, please tick this box. ❑
NEWS TO US
Our fuckwit Bogdan presents another dose of weirdness
YOUR MUM’S DILDO IS ON ITS WAY
IT HAPPENS all the time. You’re cruising down the highway, minding your business...then out of nowhere, some MASSIVE PRICK cuts you off. But this unnamed Dutch motorist wasn’t just SHAFTED by a normal TOOL – it’s a 3.6m MEGA-DILDO being shipped to an erotic fair in Amsterdam.
Now that’s a strap-on!
16
A REAL BALLSY EFFORT RUNNING a 42km marathon is tiring work, even with your THIRD LEG powering you. Marathon runner Jozef Urban ran a career best time at the Peace Marathon race in Kosice, Slovakia. The local athlete was helped in the final 250 metres of the race when his WANGER flopped out to see what all the fuss was about. Jozef ended up coming tenth, narrowly beaten by his TODGER.
THIS FUCKIN’ BUILDING
A BUILDING that looks like a couple ROOTING has been ERECTED for an art festival in Bochum, Germany. The BONKERS ARTWORK, called Domestikator, was created by the Dutch art collective Atelier Van Lieshout.
17
DEAD(SET) LEGEND
HUGH
beauty! So long, Hef, and thanks for all the tits!
W
E’RE still in mourning after hearing about the death of Playboy creator and SEXUAL REVOLUTION LEADER Hugh Hefner at age 91. The wannabe publisher scraped up US$8000 in 1953 to produce the first issue of Playboy, with a pin-up of movie starlet MARILYN MONROE as its main selling point. The mag sold BUCKETS and his empire was off and running. For the next 64 years, Playboy fuelled our fantasies courtesy of pictorials of the world’s hottest women (aka the Playmates). Without Hef there’d be no Pamela Anderson, Anna Nicole Smith and many, many more hotties! Hef also convinced a helluva lotta celebs like Joan Collins, Kim Basinger and Sharon Stone to peel off within the pages of his mag. Along the way, he collected a stunning array of wives and girlfriends, and usually MORE THAN ONE at a time. The sly old FOX! We suspect that Hugh’s cause of death was probably SEXUAL EXHAUSTION. To celebrate the great man’s life, here are 30 of the most beautiful spunks to get their KIT OFF in the second greatest stick mag ever created.† † We’re No. 1, obviously.
MARILYN MONROE Hef’s ashes are buried next to the Hollywood superstar who launched the Playboy empire. He said in 2009, “Spending eternity next to Marilyn is an opportunity too sweet to pass up.”
BARBI BENTON Barbi was 18 when she first met Hef in 1968. Within a few months she and the 42-year-old were lovers and they stayed together for seven years.
BETTIE PAGE The legendary pin-up gave everyone some Christmas cheer when she bared all in front of a Christmas tree as the January 1955 centrefold. We wish she was holding our balls.
TIA CARRERE Party on, Garth! Party on, Wayne! After the Wayne’s World party quietened down, so did Tia’s acting opportunities. But she got a nice career boost by posing for Hef in 2003.
GIG GANGEL Massive-canned Gig brought in the 80s in great style by being Playboy’s first centrefold of the decade. She also posed on the cover of another ish with Burt Reynolds.
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ANNA NICOLE SMITH The blonde bombshell was known for three things: posing for the iconic men’s magazine, marrying an 89-year-old oil tycoon and having magnificent FRONT BUMPS!
KIMBERLY CONRAD The 1989 Playmate Of The Year earned another title soon afterwards: Mrs Hugh Hefner. They separated nine years later. Kim then moved into a house next door to the Playboy Mansion.
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SHARI BELAFONTE Her singer dad Harry’s most successful tune was the Banana Boat Song. Shari got starkers in September 2000 and we all wished she’d takke a ride on our BANANA BOATS!
PAM MELA AN NDERSON It feels like the Baywaatch superstar has been around foreveer, but it actually begann for the busty babe in January 1992 when she earned that coveted gatefold centreefold spot!
SAB BLE
KARISSA AND KRISTINA SHANNON Lucky bastard Hef made the Shannon twins his carnal conquests in 2009. Not-so-coincidentally, the sisters appeared in the mag’s “summer” issue as Miss July and Miss August, respectively.
The wrestling diva showeed plenty of attitudde and ass in her late 90s pictorials. Sadly, the onnly person she geets nekkid for these days is her husbaand, UFC and WWE superstar Brock Lesnar.
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KENDRA WILKINSON, BRIDGET MARQUARDT AND HOLLY MADISON Arguably the most famous of Hef’s harem, the three gals shared him for several years. Their adventures were documented in the popular reality TV series, The Girls Next Door.
BO DEREK
NANCY SINATRA She famously sang, “These boots were made for walking”, but when Frank’s daughter nuded up for Playboy, guys were singing, “These boobs were made for PORKING!”
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She may have been a terrible actress, but Bo was Oscarwinning material without any clobber on in several early 80s issues of Hef’s mag. A 10 out of 10, in fact.
DREW BARRYMORE Before Charlie’s Angels… before a respectable directing career…before all the awards and accolades…the Drewster was a wild child who got her stuff out for Hef – and bloody loved it!
SHANNON TWEED Cleary, Shazza has a thing for wrinkly old men. She disrobed for Hef in the early 80s and was 1982 Playmate Of The Year. And now she’s shacked up with aging KISS rocker Gene Simmons.
DENISE RICHARDS
AJ ALEXANDER
Den has done at least FOUR awesome things in her life: she married Charlie Sheen, starred in a James Bond film, called a journalist a CUNT on her reality TV show and showed us her tatas.
You could never accuse the magazine mogul of being prejudiced. Hell! He even had ranga AJ as a centrefold in his May 2008 edition. Multicultural fella, that Hugh Hefner.
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BRIGITTE NIELSEN
PAZ DE LA HUERTA
Crazy as a loon and not much in the acting department, but damn! The statuesque Dane sure had a nice set of boobies. They made a special appearance in the December 1987 edition.
You’d never know if Paz was gonna suck your dick or CUT IT OFF, but we wouldn’t care as long as the madas-a-hatter spunk was naked…like she was in Playboy in 2013.
JAIME PRESSLY FARRAH FAWCETT Double F was nearly 50 when she posed for Hugh, but men everywhere heartily approved of her bold career move. We’d dreamed about seeing her tits for decades!
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Long before she made us bust a gut laughing in My Name Is Earl, Jaime made blokes BUST A NUT by showing us her vagina in the February 2004 issue of Playboy.
NICOLE NARAIN Nic got in the NICK in 2002 and became a bit of a regular for a while. She also dated Colin Farrell for a while and the pair even made a sex tape. And she BLEW HIM AWAY in the acting stakes!
NICOLE, ERICA AND JACLYN DAHM What’s better than sexy twins? Sexy TRIPLETS, of course! The Dahm sisters made several Playboy appearances in the late 90s. The gals have different dots tattooed on their bums so people can tell ’em apart!
MADONNA This is a bit of a cheat, actually. While Madge was on the cover of the September 1985 ish, the B&W nudes were taken years earlier before the Material Girl became a pop music icon.
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WIN!
ANIMAL HOUSE
$20 LETTERS
$50 PICTURES
BUST INCREDIBLE
SUCK IT
’N’SEE
THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE
GENITALS
I WAS going through your “Decade’s Sexiest Cits” feature (Oct. 23) and I still can’t get over Rosie from Bondi’s beaut ski slope tits and succulent puffy nipples. I always thought that adult breastfeeding was unacceptable, but I’ve changed my mind. I’d suck on those bad boys ’til she burped me. Colin, NSW As you’ve so eloquently demonstrated, Col, NORKS like Rosie’s can do strange things to a man. We never wanted to be reincarnated as a flannelette shirt, but we do as soon as we look at the one around Rosie’s waist. If PSYCHOANALYSERS ever wanna figure out how baps affect blokes’ brains, they should definitely study her set.
“I RECALL seeing a vagina tree from Darwin in your mag (Animal House, Oct. 10, 2011),” writes Darren of Preston, Vic. “Well, it looks like the vagina tree has found a friend!” Send your letters and pics to: The Keeper, c/- Animal House, People magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Or email us at people@ bauer-media.com.au (with Animal House in the subject line).
BALLS UP! READ MY LIPS!
MISSED MEL
HOW did you miss putting Melissa Tkautz in Oz’s Top 50 Stars...Topless (Oct. 23)? She was a stunna in E Street, and she’s a stunna on The Real Housewives Of Sydney. I’m pretty sure there are nudes of her. Giz! Mel Lover, Vic
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We were gonna say we didn’t put mighty Mel in because her 1992 single, Read My Lips, was a crime against popular music. But then we remembered that we put Dannii Minogue in the Top 50, so we don’t have a leg to
stand on. Truth be told – we just forgot the blonde spunk. Which is criminal, because her nude shots from Black+White magazine were outstanding. Enjoy them now!
NUTS TO THIS IF ANYONE out there thinks they’re having a bad day – think of this poor squirrel! No matter what happens, I certainly know where I’d rather be. Doris, via email After receiving your message, you’ve made us feel way better about our embarrassingly TINY TESTES.
BACK AT WORK
I’VE got another workplace accident waiting to happen for youse (Dead Men Working, Oct. 23). It’s from my personal collection – this is what happens when the boss is too cheap to hire scaffolding to do a job. Greg, WA
BUILT TOUGH! Editor James Cooney News editor Dan Lennard Designer-in-chief Tony Halpin Designers Darren Monaghan, Chantelle Galaz Picture editor Kristi Bartlett Editorial co-ordinator Emily Rattenbury National sales manager Patrick Campbell Associate publisher Ewen Page Publisher Eugene Varricchio CEO Paul Dykzeul
Brilliant! This ticks all of the workplace safety NO-NOS: a) no one’s footing the ladder; b) no one’s wearing a harness; c) the bottom guy is standing on the very top of ladder; AND d) he’s only wearing a pair of socks. The boss is the bloke standing on top of him, right?
KNOCKER OFF!
TWIN
TITTIES IS IT just me, or is Tsumi (above, Model Cits, October 23) a dead ringer for porno star Asa Akira (left)? Or am I just being stupid? Kev, NSW Their boobs are very similar, yes.
Published by Bauer Media, part of the Bauer Media Group ABN 18 053 273 546, 54-58 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000. The trademark “People” is the property of Bauer Consumer Media Pty Limited and is used under licence. © 2017 All rights reserved. Printed by PMP Print, 37-49 Browns Rd, Clayton, Vic 3168. People contact details – phone: (02) 9288 9686. Email: people@ bauer-media.com.au. Advertising: (02) 9282 8369. Fax: (02) 9283 7923. Reader Offer, Customer Service and Subscription inquiries: 136116, 8am-8pm EST Mon-Fri, 8am-6pm EST Sat, or fax (02) 9267 4363. Mail postage-free: Reply Paid 764, People, GPO Box 5252, Sydney, NSW 2001 (postage free within Australia). Melbourne office: 102-108 Toorak Rd, South Yarra, Vic 3141. Ph: (03) 9823 6333. Fax: Editorial (03) 9823 6363, Advertising (03) 9823 6300. NZ: PO Box 6982, Wellesley St, Auckland. Ph (03) 9927 6222. Distributed by Network Services, 54 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000. Ph: (02) 9282 8777. Contributions welcome but material is submitted at owner’s risk. We accept no responsibility for loss/damage (SAE needed for return). Material in People is copyright, and reproduction in whole or in part is not permitted. * Recommended & maximum price only.
ISSN 1449-6690
Please see page 40 for Privacy Notice.
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AD
THE CENTREFOLD SVANHILD | 30 | TAMBOV, RUSSIA
a
EAVY LOAD RNING: HEAVY LOAD
a
Butt it’d be fun to give those bbig ’uns a reed-hot go!
ORN in Russia and raised in Scandinavia, Svanhild has inherited a genetic love of VODKA from the former and a relaxed attitude to NUDITY from the latter. We spoke to the top-heavy pin-up about booze AND boobs in this exclusive interview!
WARNING: HEAVY LOAD WARNING: HEAVY LOAD WHAT are your stats, Svanhild? “I am a natural 36F – I was small till I was 19, then I started growing and growing and GROWING!” May they never STOP growing. Is finding a bra to hold them massive melons a bit of a problem? “Well, I don’t wear bras if I can help it. In fact, I don’t like to wear ANY CLOTHING if possible. I’m a big fan of being NAKED, whether in my home or on a clothingoptional beach or at a nudist camp, which I go to quite often.” You Scandos are pretty cool about being starkers, eh? “I am as God intended – accept me as I am. I hate having clothes against my body.
It feels very restrictive and I just want to be completely FREE.” What do you like to do for fun while nude? “I enjoy preparing nice dishes for my friends and hosting dinner parties. I’m fascinated by Japanese culture, so I’m currently learning the language. I was a very good tennis player at high school, and I still play socially when I can find the time.” Tell us more about those boobs, mate. Are they sensitive? “They’re verrrrrry sensitive – I can SUCK MY OWN NIPPLES and sometimes cum when I do it. Obviously, if a man or woman do that to me, then I ORGASM very easily as well.” What about bunny-rubs? u
“You mean having a man’s cock between my breasts? I love it very much. I put a little bit of Vaseline or baby oil on my cleavage, then MASH MY TITS together while my lover slides his schlong back and forth. I’ve had men tell me it feels tighter than MY VAGINA.” Yowzer! And where do you like a fella to spunk his splooge? “I want his jism on my neck and chin, then I rub it into my boobies till I climax. It’s the best feeling in the world…apart from VODKA SHOTS, that is.” You’re a party gal, eh? “Drinking vodka shots is what directly leads to titty-fucking half the time. I drink hard, I party hard, then I FUCK HARD!”
WA
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HARD!
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Y LOAD
NOVEMBER 6, 2017
Svanhild
CENTREFOLD
WARNING: HEAVY LOAD WARNING: HEAVY LOAD
‘I CAN SUCK MY OWN NIPPLES’
WIN
$1000 BY MODELLING IN PEOPLE See pg63 for details
Exercise the grey matter and score big bucks!
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#23 NOV. 6
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ENTER TO WIN!
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Fill in your name and address together with a completed and correct Beast crossword grid and post to: The Beast No. 23, c/ – People magazine, GPO Box 5507, Sydney, NSW 2001. Entries close on Friday, November 24 at 5pm.
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NAME: ADDRESS:
POSTCODE:
PHONE:
FORTNIGHTLY!
Solve the clues of this crossword and release our beauty from the clutches of The Beast. The clues set in a different typeface are all related to the enslaved star pictured in the centre of the puzzle.
ACROSS
1. Brief (5-5) 5. Actress who plays Kate Beckett on TV drama Castle, – Katic 9. The Beguiled actress (Pic A) who won an Emmy playing our beauty’s best friend in the series at 47 across (6,6) 13. Inside 14. Star of 30 Rock, – Baldwin 15. Launch forward 16. Great artery 18. Arabian Sea country 21. Singer, – Sayer 22. Missing without permission (1,1,1,1) 24. & 2 down. Our beauty is tasked with protecting this Modern Family actress (Pic B) in the action comedy at 120 down (5,7) 25. Negative adverb 26. Media promotions 28. Native New Zealander 29. Flags Of Our Fathers actor (Pic C) who met our beauty at her 21st birthday party and married her two years later, – Phillippe 30. – chi 31. Slightly open 33. CD brand (1,1,1) 34. Breaks 37. Hum tunelessly 39. Stately 40. Our beauty played Rachel’s sister Jill in this long-running sitcom starring Jennifer Aniston 42. Snow-runner 43. Pinned-up hair 44. Honeycombs song, Have – (1,3,5) 47. & 53 across. Dark comedy-drama miniseries based on the novel by Liane Moriarty, starring our beauty as Madeline Martha Mackenzie (3,6,4)
50. 52. 53. 54. 56. 58.
60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 67. 69. 71. 72. 73.
75. 78. 80. 81. 82.
83. 84. 85. 87. 88. 91.
93. 96. 97.
Mayday call (1,1,1) Roasting appliance See 47 across Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis comedy, A – Moms Christmas Horseback "hockey" Our beauty is caught in up a love triangle with – Wilson (Pic D) and Paul Rudd in How Do You Know The L of LA Interpretation Considering Supremes track, – Name Of Love (4,2,3) Large Aussie bird Coagulate Central American republic French novelist of Germinal and Thérèse Raquin (5,4) Henry Fonda western, How The West – Won Nautical shelter Biographical crime film starring our beauty as the mother of a murdered boy, Devil’s – Comedy sci-fi starring Anne Hathaway and Dan Stevens Purity Ice Cube family film, Are We There – ? Diner Our beauty paired up with Robert Pattinson for the romantic drama fillum, – For Elephants Biopic starring Hugh Jackman, Eddie The – Vaccine Drain Felons Reluctant Our beauty began her career as a child actress and made her professional screen debut in The Man In The – Artist and Beatle widow, Yoko – “Sixpack” muscles Imagines
The August 14 winner is Marie McCarthy of Oak Flats, NSW.
DOWN
1. Conferences for discussion 2. See 24 across 3. Degree 4. Biopic starring our beauty as a divorcée who hikes more than 1000 miles of the Pacific Crest Trail 5. Libra or Scorpio (4,4) 6. Overly 7. Legendary crooner, – King Cole 8. From the menu (1,2,5)
August 28 Beast solution page 38
9. Sergeant or corporal (1,1,1) 10. Chinese meal, yum – 11. Encumbrances 12. Insignificant people 17. Football arbiters 19. Judy Garland’s daughter, Liza – 20. Food 23. Pantry 27. Discolour 32. In the film at 103 down our beauty returns home to divorce her childhood sweetheart, Red Dog actor – Lucas (Pic E) 35. Our beauty’s spirit harasses Mark Ruffalo in romcom, Just Like – 36. Use snorkel 38. Property 39. The Gift actor, Giovanni – 40. REM song, It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I – ) (4,4) 41. See 78 down 43. Our beauty recorded a cover of Somethin’ Stupid with Canadian crooner Michael – for his album, To Be Loved 45. Car or boat show 46. Drama starring our beauty as an employment counsellor who helps four young Sudanese refugees find jobs in America, The – Lie 48. Diluted rum 49. Big Top canvas 51. Mobile phone text (1,1,1) 55. Dopes 57. Actress, Tatum – (1’4) 59. English county 60. Breakthrough movie for our beauty in which she plays a fashion-merchandising major who decides to become a law student, – Blonde 66. Deputies 68. Gent 70. “Ha ha ha!” in text message (1,1,1) 71. See 146 across 73. Most enthusiastic 74. Eight-sided figure 76. Toronto’s province 77. Scullers 78. & 41 down. Updated version of Dangerous Liaisons, starring our beauty and Joshua Jackson (5,10) 79. From Geneva 86. Our beauty plays the second wife of Johnny Cash, portrayed by Pic F actor Joaquin – , in Walk The Line
89. Septuagenarian’s birthday 90. Kevin Kline drama, Life – House (2,1) 92. Verse 94. Show (to seat) 95. Gulf 96. Asian fruit, star – 98. Prospers 100. Psychotherapists 103. Romantic comedy starring our beauty as a young woman with a white trash background who runs away from her husband and reinvents herself as a New York socialite, – Home Alabama 105. Concern 106. Our beauty won an Oscar for her portrayal of country singer – Carter in the film at 86 down 107. Overwhelming sadness 108. Withdrew 109. Match before final 111. Unadventurous 112. Assented 113. Brazil’s – de Janeiro 120. Buddy comedy movie starring our beauty as an uptight, overreacting police officer who tries to protect the widow of a drug boss as they race across Texas (3,7) 122. Greasiest 123. Mauve vine 125. Robert De Niro film, – And Glory (3,3) 126. Haywire 127. Entreats 129. Presuppose 131. Baby-faced 133. & 117 across. Our beauty, Josh Brolin and Benicio del Toro star in this neo-noir comedy-drama revolving around the life of Larry “Doc” Sportello, the stoner hippie and PI (8,4) 135. Our beauty voices the lead character in computer-animated film, – Vs Aliens 138. Excited 139. Investigators 142. Drama starring our beauty as a woman scheming to escape a small dead-end town, – Laid Plans 149. Game Of Thrones girl played by Maisie Williams, – Stark 151. Punch 152. No – or buts 154. Time 155. Golf peg
See page 40 for terms and conditions and the privacy notice. Send the completed Beast to us by the closing date. All correct entries will go into a draw and the first drawn will win $250.
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99. Romcom starring our beauty as a single mother whose life gets flipped upside down when three young men move in with her (4,5) 101. Religious sister 102. It is (2’1) 104. Naivety 106. Jerseys 110. Unauthorised passengers 113. Dinosaur, tyrannosaurus – 114. Jack Ü single featuring Justin Bieber, Where – Now (3,1) 115. La La Land actress, – Stone 116. Needle hole 117. See 133 down 118. Three-foot length 119. Thrilled cry 121. Somewhere else 124. Two CIA agents discover they are both dating our beauty in – War (4,5) 127. Slap lightly 128. Whiskey grain 129. Repairs (puncture) 130. Aromatic 132. Finely chopped 134. Holstered weapon 136. Joined up 137. 24-hour periods 140. – de toilette 141. Fencing blade 143. Jessica Alba’s eldest daughter 144. California’s – Diego 145. Listening organ 146. & 71 down. Our beauty (5,11) 147. Hollywood epic, – With The Wind 148. Raises (the ante) 150. Bangkok cuisine 153. Entertainer, – Midler 156. Pig character voiced by our beauty in Sing 157. Drama adapted from a 19th century classic novel, starring our beauty as Becky Sharp, Vanity – 158. Resentful longing 159. Eradicates 160. Trainee officer 161. Goes ashore
OZ’S BIGGEST X-WORD
MAXI
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Norway’s capital Trio
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Overstates
Coal vein
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Solid
Used to be
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Brightened, ~ up
Current unit
US casino city (3,5) Love god Arrests Crux
That girl’s
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Numero uno
Asphalt
Roman Catholic service
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Upon
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Next Cut off
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Trouble
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Tusk material
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Cavort French no Give speech
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FORTNIGHTLY!
The clues in bold relate to a famous film – the picture gives you a hint which one. The first correct entry drawn after the closing date wins the cash!
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ACROSS Adding machine Blackened wood Gazelle or impala See 1 down Most extensive Long in the tooth Cameron Diaz comedy, Bad –
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Russian writer, Leo – Stage performer Switzerland's continent Twitter comment Disney fawn GPS device (3,3) Tour de France winner, Cadel –
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4. With 20 down. This week's film (3,7) 5. Drilling platform 6. Special effects technique (1,1,1) 7. With 32 down, Katrine Bratt (7,8) 8. Luxurious 9. Cigarette igniters 11. Refugee singer, Tom – 13. Star, – Centauri 14. Approaches 15. The Martian actor, Sean –
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26. Austin Powers' nemesis, Dr –
28. Spanglish actress, – Leoni 31. Offer freely
32. See 7 down 34. Rearranged word 35. The Simpsons' Seymour – 36. Scour 37. Ben Stiller character, – Zoolander 38. Peace Prize city 39. Stoneworker 40. Wine-opening fee 41. Took reprisals for 46. Military exercises 47. Sun protection factor (1,1,1) 48. Good times
MOVIECROSS ENTRY COUPON Solve the Moviecross correctly and you could win $150! Send the completed crossword to: Moviecross No. 23, c/– People magazine, PO Box 5536, Sydney, NSW 2001.
39. With 50 across, Harry Hole (7,10) 42. Trendy London district 43. Ice river 44. Scalpel wielder 45. South African rugby team 48. Unravel 49. Plentiful 50. See 39 across
DOWN 1. With 12 across, Rakel (9,10) 2. Exact (meaning) 3. Most hideous
NAME: ADDRESS:
20. See 4 down 22. Swift feline 23. Tradies' trucks 25. Computer port type (1,1,1)
POSTCODE:
PHONE:
Moviecross entries close November 24. Answers to be printed January 15, 2018. Winner to be printed January 29. See page 40 for T&Cs and the privacy notice.
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#23 NOV. 6 MOVIECROSS
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1 2 3 HINT: Heartbreakers' boss recently died.
3
HINT: Black Eyed Peas beauty has new LP.
4
4 Clip out this coupon – OR PHOTOCOPY THIS PAGE – and send to: Swirl-A-Sleb No. 23, c/– People, PO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001.
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DID YOU KNOW
?
Get smarter and shit
23
The number of known replicas of Mad Max’s original Pursuit Special.
$4,400,000 The amount that James Bond’s iconic 1964 Aston Martin DB5 from Goldfinger was sold for at auction.
This week:
25
%
Movie motors
$2,000,000 Cost of building a replica Batmobile Tumbler from Batman Begins.
SECONDS
he fictional time it took or KITT from Knight Rider o go from 0-100kmh.
The estimated jump in sales of performancerelated car products after the release of The Fast And The Furious.
$2000 a day The cost of hiring a replica DeLorean DMC-12 Back To The Future time machine.
QUICK FIX
WHEN YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO UPGRADE TO A UTE
THIS HEADLIGHT IS PICTURE PERFECT
OCCY STRAPS – WHAT CAN’T THEY DO?
LOOK! A TROLLEY CAR!
44
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WORLD’S WORST AUSSIE BOGAN AIR-CONDITIONING
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Cardinal sins A CARDINAL woke up in his massive bedroom in the Vatican and he had a RAGING BONER that wouldn’t go down. Unsure of what to do, he called his personal physician and said, “Doc, this shouldn’t be possible. I’m a cardinal and I’m celibate – I haven’t had one of these in 30 years.” “Your eminency,” the quack replied, “this is a natural phenomenon for all men and it’ll happen to you, too, from time to time.” “But you must do something,” the Cardinal exclaimed. “I have mass in an
hour and this thing isn’t going away.” “You have two options,” the doctor said. “Either I can administer an injection to your penis, which will hurt and make you sick, or you can make love to a woman.” “I don’t want an injection, so get me a nun,” the Cardinal said. “But there are three considerations. First, she must be blind, so she cannot see who does this to her. Secondly, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear who does this to her. And thirdly, and most importantly, she’s gotta have really big tits.” Georgie, Vic
BEST A SAILOR, an emu and a cat walked into a pub. They sat down JOKE and the emu shouted a round of beers, then the sailor shouted a round. But the cat simply looked the other way when it was his shout. This went on all night. “Why doesn’t the bloody cat buy a round?” the barman eventually asked. “It’s a long, sad story,” replied the sailor. “I was alone on an island when a bottle came bobbing through the surf. When I opened it, a genie appeared and granted Send your best gag to Funny Shit, c/- People, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001, or email it to me one wish. Naturally, I asked for a
[email protected] (include Funny Shit in the subject line). legged bird with a tight pussy.” OB, Qld “My father’s a doctor,” Conan grinned. “He makes all the sick people better.” Q. WHAT do you do if an elephant All the kids in the class had their turn RAY went to his boyfriend Tony and said, except Lil’ Johnny. comes through your window? “I think there’s something up my arse The teacher asked, “Johnny, what does A. Swim for your life! – can you check it out?” your Dad do?” Mo, NT Tony was only too willing to oblige and “He’s dead, Miss,” he swore. stuck a finger up his clacker. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” the teacher “I can’t feel anything up here,” he said. cringed. “What did he do before he died?” “Dig deeper,” came the reply. “I DON’T want to go to school today, Mum,” “He turned blue and shit on the carpet.” After sticking two fingers, then three, Seymour told his mother. “The teachers PR, Vic then four up Ray’s arse, his boyfriend think I’m an idiot and all the kids hate me.” began to lose hope. “But you have to go, dear,” the mother In one last desperate attempt Tony responded. “You’re the headmaster.” A SHEILA had tried everything to get her squeezed his whole hand up there and Ezza, NSW tomatoes to turn as red as her neighbour’s managed to clasp onto something metallic. batch, but nothing seemed to work. She He held tightly and pulled it out. finally asked him for his secret. Taking a look in his hand, Tony exclaimed, THE teacher asked the kids to discuss what “Twice a day I stand in front of my “Holy fuck. You had a watch up your arse!” their dads did for a living. tomatoes and expose myself,” the Ray said with a twinkle in his eye, “Yeah, “My dad’s a lawyer,” Mary boasted. “He neighbour said. “My tomatoes turn bright I know...happy birthday, darling.” puts the bad guys in the clink.” red from blushing so much.” OP, Qld
Shitty ticker
Come again?
Taken to school
Lady garden
A bit stiff
THE GAG REEL
46
The best one-liners from professional jokers
ALEXEI SAYLE
GILBERT GOTTFRIED
“I ve given up assking rhetorical quuestions. What s t e point?
“If I o drink, I d go to com union
STAVROS HALKIAS ‘I CANCELLED AN APPOINTMENT AT THE SPERM BANK. I HAD TO TELL THEM I COULDN’T COME’
The chick was so impressed she decided to give this unusual technique a bash. Twice a day for two weeks she stripped and posed in front of her veggie garden. One day, the neighbour spotted her over the fence. “How did you get on?” he asked the woman. “Did you tomatoes turn red?” “No,” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.” HG, SA
CAUGHT IN THE NET
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That bird came in a little too hot on the landing.
Someone hates helping with the laundry…
Pumpkin head Q. WHAT did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A. She gagged. Cat, Vic
Mouths of babes
A YOUNG family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. A few months later, a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The family’s five-year-old son naturally took an interest in all the activity next door and started talking with the workers. They were a bit rough around the edges – and swore like sailors – but they were good blokes and adopted the lad as a site mascot. They chatted with the kid, let him sit with them while they had coffee and lunch, and gave him little jobs to do here and there to make him feel important. At the end of the first week they presented him with a pay envelope containing $10. The boy was pleased as punch. He took this home to his mum, who suggested they take the money to the bank to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller asked the little boy how he had come by the money. The little fella proudly replied, “I worked all last week with a construction crew, building a house.” “My goodness,” the teller exclaimed, “Will you be working on the house this week, too?” “Hopefully, I will be,” the little boy sighed, “if those useless cunts ever bring us the fuckin’ Gyprock!” JV, NSW
Talk about a ONE-STOP SHOP.
Bag check Q. WHAT’S the worst thing about wearing a colostomy bag? A. Finding shoes to match. Dags, Qld
No trailer? No worries!
Modern carmakers really have thought of everything.
47
MAMMARY LANE RACHEL | AUCKLAND, NZ | LOCAL FOCAL, MAY 23, 2011
FEMME FACTS SEXY pole-dancer Rachel’s welding skills would have come in handy in one particular club she stripped in: “I was performing and the pole was basically wedged between TWO BRICKS. I was doing spins and the pole flew off the blocks, went soaring toward the crowd and SMASHED through a wall. Thankfully, it didn’t hit anyone!”
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MAMMARY LANE RACHEL | AUCKLAND, NZ | LOCAL FOCAL, MAY 23, 2011
MY BA
‘NO POSITION TOUCHES ME LIKE DOGGY STYLE DOES’
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IMPORTANT! Send entries to: Win!, c/- People magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Entries close 5pm, Friday, November 24.
WIN STUFF!
ASSASSIN’S CREED Ubisoft, rated MA, out October 27, RRP: $89.95 (Xbox One/PS4/PC) What’s the guts? We’re in ancient Egypt and you are Bayek, who must protect the people during a dangerous period when the country is on the verge of war. While the likes of Ptolemy XV, his mum Cleopatra and Rome’s Julius Caesar manoeuvre their forces, Bayek meets the sneaky buggers who are orchestrating all the troubles. It’s his actions that will lead to Bayek becoming the first Assassin. Anything else? Assassin’s Creed Origins is the latest and greatest edition of the mega-popular action-adventure franchise. Players can loot and choose their abilities to create their own skilled Assassin, then explore the Great Pyramids and hidden tombs across Egypt while going on amazing quests and learning how the Assassin’s Brotherhood came into being. This game is incredible to play on every level. Final word: It all starts with one.
The Official MCC Story Of The Ashes and Lillee & Thommo Hardie Grant, out now What’s the guts? What’s that sound, fellas? Is it the crack of leather on willow? Oh yeah! Cricket season is upon us and, even better, it’s time for the granddaddy of them all: The Ashes! While we’re whacking the Poms for six, learn all about the legendary rivalry in the lavishly illustrated The Official MCC Story Of The Ashes (RRP$34.99) by Bernard Whimpress. From the very first encounters in the late 19th century
WIN!
to the most recent Ashes series in the UK, this is the perfect companion book to have by your side this summer. Anything else? Learn about the most terrifying combo in history in Lillee & Thommo ($29.99) by Ian Brayshaw. From 1972-83, Dennis Lillee and Jeff Thompson were our premier opening bowling duo.They peaked in the 1974-75 Ashes series when they took 57 wickets.Team mates, opponents and umpires tell their fascinating story. Final word: A pacy read!
WE’RE giving away THREE prize packs of both books, thanks to our mates at Hardie Grant Books. To get yours, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE the best cricketer you’ve seen play from England or Australia. The three finest answers will get a book. Mark your entries “Cricket Book Pack comp”.
WIN!
THE crafty folk at Ubisoft have sent us THREE Xbox games for this comp. To enter, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE an interesting fact about Egypt. The three most informative answers will receive a game. Mark your entries “Assassin’s Creed Origins comp”.
Cult Of Chucky Universal Sony Pictures, rated R, out now, RRP: $23.83 (DVD)/$27.24 (Blu-ray) What’s the guts? Stuck in a loony bin for the past four years, Nica (Fiona Dourif) is convinced she murdered her family in 2013’s Curse Of Chucky, not the devil doll. However, when her shrink introduces a Chucky toy to group therapy, a string of horrific murders take place in the asylum. Is Nica responsible or is she not crazy at all? It seems a
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NEW Chucky (voiced by Brad Dourif) has arrived to finish what his pintsized predecessor began. Anything else? Thankfully, Nica isn’t alone in battling the prick. Andy (Alex Vincent), Chucky’s now-grown-up enemy from the original Child’s Play (1988), aims to help her take him down. But to do so he has to get past Chucky’s murderous girlfriend Tiffany (Jennifer Tilly)! Final word: When toys attack!
WOW! Universal Sony has provided FIVE DVDs. To win, tell us IN ONE SENTENCE the shittest toy you’ve ever received. The five saddest answers will score a DVD. Mark entries “Cult Of Chucky comp”. Please state you’re over 18 when entering this contest.
MODEL CITIZENS Where local girls do their nude duty!
PHOENIX | Bardon
PIPER | Morni gside
CAMISADO | Gold Coast
JENNIFER |
Lawley
MADDIE | Bargo
3 nude babes from your ’hood!
MODEL CITIZENS
ARSE WITH CLASS
PHOENIX | 25 Bardon | QLD Tell us about your most recent root? “I went to a party with a male friend and things got a little wild. We decided to recruit the hottest girl at the party and take her home with us. We stayed in bed the whole next day and played for hours.” She must have been quite the goer. “She was amazing, voluptuous, adventurous and a great kisser.” What do chicks excel at over guys? “Girls are better at kissing and teasing. They know exactly how to use their bodies to turn the other person or people on.” And guys? “Guys are great at fulfilling the used and the user roles – interchangeably. And they are generally better at being a bit rough. Though I’ve seen plenty of girls with strap-ons step up to the challenge.”
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‘I’VE SEEN PLENTY OF GIRLS WITH STRAP-ONS’
‘THERE WERE LOTS OF NUDE TIMES IN HOTEL ROOMS’
PICS BY GAVIN FOSTER
CAMISADO | 23 Gold Coast | QLD Been up to any beaut nude antics? “I had a trip to Japan, so there was lots of nude times in hotel rooms. It was really hot, so the minute I walked in, I was fully naked. There were a couple of shared hostel rooms, too.” Did you ogle other hot holidaymakers? “It was a dorm full of girls so there were lots of cheeky nip-slips.” Did you hit a Japanese bathhouse? “Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance... but there was a private beach on one of the small islands where there was sunbaking and sand getting in places you really don’t want it.” What’s been your sexiest destination? “Amsterdam: sex shops, pot and a red light district makes for a relaxing time.”
ELAENIA | 28 Port Macquarie | NSW What gets your privates moist? “Threesomes with mature, chubby men. I love their love-handles. Their belly fat drives me crazy and when they go on top of me, the fat stimulates my clit. It makes me so horny when mature, chubby men do it to me.” Have you done two at once? “Yeah...one was in me doggy style and the other was standing, feeding his thing to my mouth.” What about another gal in the mix? “I had a girl who didn’t mind getting into a threesome. She did oral on me while I fingered her and the chubby guy put his shaft in my mouth. We took turns doing oral and fucking. The chubby man had a lot of fun with us.”
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MODEL CITIZ DAISY | 34 Highgate | WA
‘I LOVE GETTING TIED UP...OR TYING THEM UP’
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PICS BY LES DWIGHT
What turns you on? m up. “I love getting tied up. Or tying them I like the feeling they can do whatt they want to me...and vice versa.” Do guys or gals get into knots with ya? “Oh, definitely both.” Do you go to clubs or practise at home? “Mostly at home, but I have been to a few clubs. And the Torture Garden’s events are great.” Whats the most jaw-dropping thing you’ve seen in a club? “Someone suspended by a trapeze and fucking. That was pretty cool.” Not tempted to try it yourself? “Hell, yes. I just need someone who knows how to do it. I like fucking with people watching me. Italy was the first place I did it, then Germany and the USA. I haven’t done it in Australia yet.” We can only hope.
KINKY CUTIE
PIPER | 20 Morningside | QLD
‘BIG BOOBS MEANS THERE’S MORE TO GRAB’
What is the best thing about having big boozzies, Piper? “There’s more to grab. I think the bigger the better.” Do you get the chance to play with other chicks’ mams or just your own? “Sometimes, if me and my girlfriends have a few too many glasses of wine.” What do you like done to ’em in bed? “I love being titty-fucked, getting my boobs squeezed and seeing the enjoyment on his face.” Where should a gentleman spill his seed when he bunny-rubs you? “I love to either swallow or have him cum on my face. It gets me off watching him finish and being able to taste it.” What else rocks your world? “Having my nipples sucked, being choked and having my hair pulled.” Sounds a bit rough. “I love the rush it gives me while I cum having the man completely in charge.”
BOO WE L
PICS BY IDARE PHOTOGRAPHY
MODEL CITIZENS JENNIFER | 32 Mt Lawley | WA
DIRTY 30s
PICS BY LES DWIGHT
What was your most recent outdoor rooting adventure? “In the car. I had sex while driving.” How’d you pull that off? “Well, it was in the desert, so there were no cars around us. I was on top of him while he was driving.” There’ll be an advertising campaign banning that soon. What makes sex in public so hot? “The risk.” Do you secretly hope someone’s watching you? “Yes, I love it.” Ever made your own porn to watch later, Jennifer? “Yes, I’ve made my own porn. I like to watch it before I have sex. It makes me very horny.” Who else has seen your fillum? “My friends saw it.”
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‘I WATCH MY PORN TAPE BEFORE HAVING SEX’
MODEL CITIZENS
RETRO CITS!
TINA Perth, WA
March 24, 2008
SHANTI Manly, NSW
January 17, 2005 DOG-LOVER Shanti was single when we called her: “Youse boys are too much trouble!”That said, she summed up her sex-life as “awesome quality…all the time.”
OUR Cit revealed, “My boyfriend and I were holidaying on the Goldie and, while cycling through the rainforest, we had a quickie under a waterfall! We didn’t get busted.”
DOMINIQUE CANADA
March 24, 2008 DOM and her partner were at a bar when they hooked up with a chick: “We hopped into a cab for a threesome at our place. We couldn’t rip each other’s clothes off fast enough!”
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LAYAH
Gold Coast, QLD March 24, 2008 “I WAS out having a few drinks with girlfriends. I met a bloke who I brought back to my mate’s place for sex. But he passed out and I ended up having sex with the girl instead!”
ZARA
Melbourne, VIC January 17, 2005 OUR Cit had a thing for Oz tennis legend Lleyton Hewitt: “He’s cute and sexy. I play a bit of tennis, but prefer to watch… although only when Lleyton’s playing.”
SHELLBE Byron Bay, NSW January 17, 2005 WHY all the water for this shoot? “It was hot …I grabbed the hose and got wet.” Shellbe’s party trick was turning bits of her inside out… like her bellybutton!
MODEL CITIZENS
CITIZEN OF THE WEEK
MADDIE | 24 Bargo | NSW Have you ever been asked to trim someone’s pubic hairs at the salon? “Haha! No! The only pubes I shave are mine and my boyfriend’s...in the privacy of our home, of course.” What is it about a hairless smoo and scrote that does it for you two? “It feels better when we’re fucking and we don’t have to worry about cum getting stuck in our pubes afterwards.” Is your fella a good fuck? “He is now. I had to teach him a few tricks to help me orgasm, but he’s a quick learner.” What makes you blow your cork? “I need plenty of oral – at least 30 minutes. I’m a slow starter but after having my snatch sucked on for a while...well, WATCH OUT!” Do you have any tricks of your own for him? “Just as he’s about to cum, I’ll stick a finger up his date. It makes his orgasm heaps better.”
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‘I STICK A FINGER UP HIS DATE AS HE’S CUMMING’
BECOME A MODEL CIT JUST LIKE MADDIE Hey, ladies! Pose topless and you’ll score a cool $100. Get completely starkers and receive $150! Citizen Of The Week receives $400! Our favourite Model Citizens have the chance to pose again as a Harem or Centrefold model and score up to $1000!
OFFICIAL MODEL CITIZENS ENTRY COUPON SEND this coupon to: Model Citizens, c/People, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Once we receive it, we’ll put you in touch with one of our ace photographers, who’ll take lovely pics for use in our mag! ■ Yes, I want to be a Model Citizen (please tick). I hereby give People the right to use my photos on the internet, and on MMS, SMS or DVD. ■ I am over 18 years of age and attach a photocopy of photo ID (eg. driver’s licence). NAME: ADDRESS: PHONE (Home): PHONE (Work): SIGNATURE: By signing this agreement, I signify I have read, understand and agree to be bound by the important terms and conditions below. Important terms and conditions: 1. I acknowledge and agree that the publisher of People magazine, Bauer Media (Bauer), its licensees or assigns may publish or authorise the publication of the pictures of me in any layout or format, in whole or in part, without restriction as to changes or alterations made from time to time and accompanied by any text and/ or graphics it chooses without further reference to me. 2. I hereby assign to Bauer Media the worldwide copyright to the photographs and acknowledge that Bauer Media may exercise all of the rights of the copyright owner in respect of the photographs, including using or licensing the publication of the photos in other publications and using or licensing the publication of the photographs in any format including (but not limited to) DVD, MMS, CD-ROM or the internet. 3. I release Bauer Media, its employees, agents, related companies and assigns from all actions, suits, causes of actions, claims and demands whatsoever which I may have at any time in connection with the photographs or arising from or relating to their publication in print or electronic media, including and liability by virtue of any blurring, distortion, alteration, context or otherwise, including (but not limited to) any action for defamation. 4. I acknowledge that persons sending Model Citizens photos without the written permission of the subject will be liable to criminal prosecution.
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THE HAREM RILEY NIXON | 22 | MANITOBA, CANADA
SHA
FOR Y
Plea
FEMME FACT
VD
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Raunchy Riley is bald…but only on top! PHOTOS BY MILE HIGH MEDIA
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OBODY can deny that Canadian cock-smoker Riley Nixon has a striking look with her BALD HEAD and HAIRY PUSSY. The 22-year-old porn up’n’comer says, “I’ve been buzzing my head for almost three years now and I love it so goddamn much.” Riley also loves older men and crazy sex, which makes her pretty damn AWESOME in our books!
HEYA, Riley. Why do you find mature fellas so appealing? “I’ve always felt older than I am, so it was hard for me to date men my age. Older men USUALLY have a lot of experience…they can be more intuitive and know where the CLIT is. My partner is quite older than me and it’s such an amazing pairing for us both. I’m very thankful for the industry bringing us together.”
IF YOU watch any of Riley Nixon’s X-rated epics – such as Blast My Ass and Hair We Cum – you’ll learn a lot about her… like the fact she’s CUTE AS FUCK and would bang you SENSELESS in bed. But here are two random things you may NOT know about Riley: “I’m really good at TAP DANCING and I can’t drink anything with carbonation, ’cos it hurts my tongue.”
We can’t ignore your incredible natural boobs. Are they sensitive during sex? “They BRUISE really easily when slapped, which I love, but my nipples are TOUGH! I’ve had clamps with multiple padlocks attached to them for weight…pretty intense.” What do you enjoy guys doing to them, Riley? “I love having my nipples sensually licked, then PINCHED when I’m about to cum.” Do you have a sex scene you’ve filmed that really wowed you? “My favourite scene is currently a girl/girl scene I did with Lea Lexis in Confessions Of A Sinful Nun from Sweetheart Video. The lighting, the setting and the outfits were amazing and really fed the passion. I was a new nun and she was my mother superior. She taught me to lick her
SWEET NECTAR from the temple between her legs!” Praise Jesus! And what’s the most amazing off-set sexual encounter you’ve enjoyed? “Early on, there was lots of CAR SEX on dirt roads and in orange groves… sex in a GRAVEYARD GARDEN in the middle of the day…and sex at the mushroom caves in San Diego. That one happened a couple of years ago. y I get g to be adventurous Nowadays, in a safe and fun environment.”
If you could have any three famous people – alive or dead – over for a wild orgy, who would you choose? “Ooooooooh, good question! David Bowie, hands down. He was so sexual and fluid, which is such a turn-on for me! I’d also choose Lady Gaga because…DUH! The third person would be Benedict Cumberbatch with a whip. Swoon!” Where can fans find out more about you, spunky? “I have an awesome website (therileynixon.com) where you can buy used lingerie, Skype sessions and more. My Onlyfans app has lots of sexy personal videos for a monthly subscription (onlyfans.com/ rileynixon_), plus Twitter (rileynixon_) and Instagram (rileynixon).” We’re tweeting dick pix to you as we speak, mate.
‘OLDER MEN KNOW WHERE THE CLIT IS’
TRUE UNI classmatte Evie had what we all called “CLASSIC NG LIPS”. Not that COCKSUCKIN me or any of the other blokes sk her for one ever dared as o classy for us – she was too shitty pissheads. 5 years later. I was Jump to 25 sity lecturer and, now a univers d, the new chick in lo and behold my first-year class looked JUST LIKE Evie. o her after my I chatted to ound out she lecture and fo WAS Evie’s daughter. her mum was Kate said h coming to collect her in the car and I should join them for dinner. Evie was thrilled when she spent the met me. We s evening at a rrestaurant catching up and getting progressively drunker. Evie was a divorcee and well for her scrubbed up w eel a woody age. I could fe stirring in my ttrousers. d it an early Kate called night and leftt us drinking at the restaurant. “You shouldn’t drive home in that state,” I told a clearly tipsyy Evie. “My house is nearby. You’re welcome to ccrash in the om.” spare bedroo Evie didn’t need much convincing, so we started short distance walking the s to my place. “Y’know, I heard what you and the other guys used to say ound the uni,” she about me aro ly wink said wit k.
O AL EXAMINATION I turn stammered, “Er…that was just us being dickheads. I’m sorry…” “Nah, that’s alright, darling. I wish you’d had the guts to say it to my face ’cos you were CORRECT. In fact, I STILL have classic cocksucking lips.” She then dragged me into a nearby park and proceeded to
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'HER RUBY-RED LIPS WRAPPED TIGHT AROUND MY FUCKSTICK'
show me. Her ruby-red lips wrapped tight around MY FUCKSTICK and she quickly showed me that she was an EXPERT at fellatio. “Jesus wept! I’m gonna cum,” I whimpered. She nodded and kept a steady rhythm going till jism blasted down her throat.
Even after I'd finished, she kept sucking till I was dry. Evie looked up at me and grinned, “Did I pass the oral exam, Professor?” “Yes, and with flying colours,” I laughed. We then went to my place where I gave her some more TONKING TUTORING. Nev, NSW
SEND IN A YARN AND
SCORE $50! Post it to: True Blue Confessions c/– People magazine, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001. Or email your filthy story to
[email protected]!
WILD WEATHER I WAS sitting in the park one evening, having a quiet spliff and contemplating my navel when a tall black chick walked past me, noticed my joint and flashed a smile. “Nice night for a toke,” she said. “Mind if I join you?” “Sure.” The park was deserted apart from us. “I’m Michelle,” she said, sitting beside me on the bench as I handed her the spliff. I’m a shy guy by nature, so I didn’t know what to say to her as she took a puff. “Um…it is a nice night, isn’t it?” I began lamely. “The day was fine and warm, too. But I hear there’s a cold front coming in tomorrow.” Michelle smiled, put a finger to my lips and said, “I’m not interested in small talk, Mr
'SHE UNDID MY FLY AND GOBBED ME OFF IN THE PARK' Weatherman. Let’s finish this joint, then I’ll SUCK YOU OFF.” We smoked away for the next two minutes, then Michelle was as good as her word. She slid off the park bench, undid my fly and GOBBED ME OFF for a minute or so before I blasted my GONAD GLUE. “Lovely,” she grinned, her lips sticky with my SPOOF. “If you have another joint at your place, you might get to ROOT me afterwards, too.” Luckily, I did. And I DID! Todd, WA
WHO’S THE BOSS? THE head of my department invited me out to lunch one day to talk about my possible promotion. Sheila is 35, 10 years older than me, and had always been pretty cool and distant with me. But after a bottle of merlot, the petite brunette LOOSENED UP and I got to know another side of her. She laughed at my jokes, we learned we had a lot in common and I swore she was even FLIRTING with me at one stage. “Tell you what, Allie, let’s go back to my place, have a drink and discuss your promotion further,” Sheila smiled. Once we reached her fancy house, Sheila poured us two stiff scotches. She downed hers in one gulp and asked me if I found her attractive.
'I SHOWED SHEILA MY TRIMMED BLONDE BUSH' I’m BISEXUAL so I cheekily answered, “Yes, but it’s hard to tell with that business suit on.” Sheila immediately undressed and I was wowed by her tight body and PERKY TITS. “Your turn,” she said. “Let’s see everything.” I happily did so, revealing my voluptuous figure, 38D knockers and TRIMMED BLONDE BUSH. Without another word, we kissed passionately and ran our hands all over each other’s
bodies. My fingers slipped easily into her wet cunt and Sheila CAME within seconds. We eagerly moved into her bedroom and spent the rest of that afternoon in an erotic tangle – licking, nibbling, biting and SCISSORING our way to multiple orgasms. After her final explosive climax, Sheila kissed me gently on the lips and said, “Congratulations on your promotion, darling.” Allie, Qld
BLOW, TIGES, BLOW! WHEN my beloved Richmond Tigers finally won their first AFL premiership in 37 years, I was overcome with joy. And so was my missus, who’s had to suffer through my misery every footy season for much of that time. “I’m so happy!” I roared, giving her a big kiss and hug after the final siren. “Not as happy as you’ll be later tonight,” she winked, giving my KNOB a friendly tweak. Several beers and much celebrating later, I staggered into bed to find Helen waitingg d for me, her legs spread and SMOO FRESHLY SHAVED. e “Give it to me, baby,” she moaned as she caressed her MOIST SLIT. “Smash my pussy like ‘Captain Blood’ Jack Dyer used to smash those Magpies players back in the 40s.”
Like the Tiger greats of the past – like Kevin Bartlett and Royce Hart – I didn’t bother skirting round the flanks and went RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. I dived on top of Helen and started furiously licking her snatch like it was ORANGES AT QUARTER-TIME. “Oh my fighting fury,” she moaned, her eyes fluttering. “You’re so strong and bold.” I laughed like a madman and started to hum the Tigers’ club son
'I LICKED HER SNATCH LIKE ORANGES AT QUARTER-TIME' had a big orgasm. Next, I whipped off my black'n'yellow footy shorts and Richmond and proceeded to fuck myy gorgeous wife for all it wa a worth. as A After depositing some tiny Tig g gers seeds deep inside her, Helen e snuggled up next to m and smiled, “Shall we me n name the kid Dusty? I didn’t take my pill today.” I guess we’ll find out in a month or two. Tommy, Vic
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THE BACK DOOR MARINA VISCONTI | 22 | THE HAREM, SEPT. 25
FULL
HOUSE WHAT’S the best thing about double anal, Marina? “The feeling of being FULL and fully stretched – it makes all the nerves down there tingle.” Is a butt orgasm better than a vaginal orgasm? “It’s…different. More intense – different sounds come out of my mouth. It’s like I’m transported to another place when I get fucked up the ass.” Do you like creampies? “Sometimes, but I prefer for the guy to shoot his load on my butt cheeks or on my back.”
‘ANAL TRANSPORTS ME TO ANOTHER PLACE’
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