Rainy Days - A. S. Kelly(ang.)

Table of Contents “Head trauma and amnesia and—the fact that she has removed part of her past means that after two years the doctors think it’s impossible that it will come back to her now.” It’s Friday night, and like every weekend in a little while people will be out spending every last cent of their salary. I glance at my watch and realize that it’s already 2.00 p.m. and I’m running late for opening. I grab my takeaway coffee cup, put the book I was reading in my bag, and hurry out of the coffee house. You see I started doing this three months ago, when I first set foot back in Ireland. I know all of her habits, her schedule, her favorite places. I know what time she starts work and what time she gets off. I know when her break is, what she eats and how she prefers her coffee. I even know the title of the book she’s reading and I went out and got myself a copy. I smile at him because it’s not necessary for me to respond. Then I get started setting the chairs up around the tables before sitting down on a bar stool behind the counter, and pulling out a book I’ve been working on before the first customers show up.

They told me that two years ago I was able to read a whole book in a single night, but now that seems entirely impossible. I’m slow and I have a hard time concentrating on the words. I frequently have to go back and read the same passage at least two or three times before my mind really understands its significance. I don’t get downhearted about it, I just go on with my reading. Every day I am regaled with a new life where I can immerse myself, lose myself or find a part of myself, a part that was lost a long, long time ago. By way of answering, he comes close to me, takes the book out of my hands. He looks at the title, his mouth makes a frown and his brow furls. I know what he’s thinking. I’ve been reading the same book for at least two weeks. I grab my book and slam it shut and put it away under the counter. I get up and go in back, with the excuse that I have to tally up the bar. I close the door and lean up against it and then slide down to the floor. Before I’m able to cross, someone grabs my shoulder, forcing me to turn around abruptly. Afraid and paralyzed, I let myself be squeezed, tightly, so tightly that I feel some cracking of my bones in his arms, but I don’t care. I could break in two, falling to the ground like a sack of broken bones, and I wouldn’t care at all,

because now I feel his heat, through his sweatshirt, through my jacket, through my skin, my bones and my organs. His heat arrives everywhere, it brushes against every part of me, even the most hidden part. It wraps me up in it, it relaxes me and reassures me. I rest my head on his shoulder and feel his heart beating like crazy just like mine. I can hardly believe it. He needs to be part of something. He needs to be a part of me. Rain is splendid, more so than I remembered. It’s true, she’s not the same person, but what does that matter? People change continuously, it’s part of the growing process. You have to accept that she’s different, of course, but that doesn’t mean I could ever love her any less. “That’s his sister,” Neil told me. “Isn’t she beautiful?” His eyes were as transparent as his soul. He was always as open as a book with me, my family, everyone. It didn’t take long at all for him to win her over, he knew how to do it, I have to admit. He was sweet, attentive, affectionate. He wasn’t interested in other women, there was only one he wanted, for himself, forever. He had clear ideas right away. “I don’t want to go home,” I say out of the blue without over-thinking it—because that’s what I feel in this moment. I don’t want to go away from him. I want to continue to feel like this,

part of something. Part of him. I’m afraid she’s going to tell him the truth and that Neil will hate me for the rest of his life, that the band will fall apart and our lives will be in a million pieces. I put aside my pain, I put aside the family, I put apart myself. I smile while I read my notes about him. Liam is part of me. He came in like the rain and continues to be present, giving me something I never thought possible for me. Liam is part of my life, and he has been since the first time I met him, from the first time he held me in his strong, sure arms, saving me from a moving motorcycle. And every day he continues to be my savior. To save me, even if he doesn’t realize it. Rain said Neil’s name. We don’t know what else she may have remembered. She’s closed up in herself, wracked with confusion and aware that she’s been intentionally kept in the dark about part of her life. “She’s one of a kind, Aaron. She is infinitely sweet, sensitive—she has an immense heart and I would have done anything to have had even a little part of it. I remember her with those kids at school during the shows where she made everyone participate.”

“Do you really think I didn’t realize, or that the others didn’t notice? Your love for her was everywhere. It was in your hands when you angrily struck your chords. It was in your eyes when she came into the basement to bring us something to drink and you, like an idiot, couldn’t stop looking at her. It was in all of the pints you downed in ten years trying to forget and drown your feelings. It was in every stupid, fucking, long, sad ‘brotherly’ hug you gave her —it was in every single part of you.” And Liam—he’s just come into my life, I’m not ready to lose him. Not now, not yet. My biggest fear is though, that I never will be sure of him, because even though I’ve only known him for a short while and things are complicated, I know that he’s a part of something marvelous, a part of me and my world, my nothingness which transformed into everything since he’s been with me. I feel everything. I feel him on my skin and in my heart, as if it had always been there, as if it were something that has always been a part of me. I hear his words that reassure me, that tell me I’ll never be alone, because I’m part of the family, his family. Liam is part of me, not from today, not for a month and not since our first meeting.

Liam has been part of my life, and even if I don’t know exactly for how long, I feel it, his constant presence, impressed on my heart, even if my mind isn’t able to connect all of the events, actions, situations. Liam falls asleep at dawn, our bodies entwined, our legs braided together, my head on his chest. And as I slide from his embrace and his love, I know that whatever happens he will always be a part of me. He will always be a part of me. The fact is that music is part of me and my life, but I’m not sure if it is in this sense. I wasn’t made for the stage, I’m not made for the public and managers and contracts. I’d just like to play with the guys like we used to, just for an hour to ward off the sensation that there was no reason to stay here. “I’d like to be a part of everything. I’d like to be part of the family.”

Copyright © 2017 A. S. Kelly Translation by Kathleen Fitzgerald

Rainy Days A. S. Kelly English Edition Literary and artistic property reserved. All rights reserved. Unauthorised reproduction prohibited. This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and storyline are the fruit of the author’s imagination or are used in a fictional sense. Any similarity to facts, places or people living or deceased is purely coincidental.

A. S. KELLY

RAINY DAYS Four Days Series #1

To all of those who have lost their way home.

The book

Tormented rock star Liam O’Reilly left Dublin and achieved success, hoping to build a new life, free from the demons of his past. Now that seems he’s got everything he ever wanted, why isn’t he happy? Is it because he’s realized that the most important thing in his life is the promise that he never kept? Sensitive and damaged Rain O’Donovan lives with her brother and his friends in a tiny seaside town north of Dublin. Once a popular and lively schoolteacher, a car accident has wrecked her life, so that her only pleasure is walking in the rain, and her world revolves around mundane tasks, devoid of hope for the future. The amnesia around the time of the accident that changed everything means that her struggle with life is a day-to-day torture, and, more than anything else, she longs for answers. When Liam returns to his home town after his twoyear absence, he’s determined to try to make amends for the terrible mistakes he made. But is it too late to put things right?

Prologue

I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t look for her, shouldn’t see her. And yet, I’ve been here for months, waiting outside this damned pub, spying through the foggy glass, waiting for her to pass— hoping she’s alright. I’ve been here for two hours now. I’m afraid the bouncer is going to notice my constant presence and will kick my ass, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I check my watch, it’s 11.00 p.m. It’s Thursday night and the pub is about to close, I have to go now, before someone recognizes me. Then I turn and lift my hood on my sweatshirt to protect my face from the bitter night air. I take a few steps towards my car that’s parked a few hundred meters away, when I’m grabbed from behind by the sleeve of my shirt. “What the hell are you doing here?” asks the person who grabbed me. I go rigid instantly and take a second before turning and facing the situation which I had avoided all this time. “Hi, Aaron.” “I’ll repeat it for you. What the fuck are you doing here?” I sigh and turn my back on him, walking away, but he’s not gonna let this go. He follows me

silently, I can hear his footsteps fall a few paces behind me, a few meters back. I don’t turn around, but continue walking to my car. I search for the keys in my pocket and go to open the door, when he shoves it shut with his hand. “You shouldn’t have come here, Liam.” He’s right. “It won’t happen again,” I lie. It’ll happen again. Every damn night. Aaron puts his hand on my shoulder, forcing me to look at him. So, I do it. I look him in the face and I fall apart. My eyes fill with tears and rage, impotence and pain. “Jesus, Liam, you’re a mess!” I dry my eyes and shake my head, as if I could shake away the thoughts that haunt me. “Why were you hanging out there?” “I didn’t want to create any problems. It was a moment of weakness, it won’t happen again.” “Oh, bullshit! I know you’ve been out there every single night. The bouncer noticed you at least two months ago, and if he hasn’t beaten your ass it’s only because I told him not to. But be careful, or I might change my mind.” I breathe heavily and lean my back against the car door. “I just wanted—I just wanted to see her.” “Don’t get close to her.”

“I just want to make sure she’s okay.” Aaron breathes impatiently while he brushes both hands through his hair. “She’s fine.” “You don’t seem very convinced.” “It’s a complicated situation, Liam. We almost lost her, for fuck’s sake! And then—Well, she’s never been the same.” “What do you mean? You just said she was well. I saw her here behind the bar a few nights ago —” “Liam,” he interrupts me, putting a hand on my shoulder. “She doesn’t remember.” “What does that mean?” “She doesn’t remember the accident, she doesn’t remember what happened before it, or anything immediately after.” I am silent for a moment as I try to process what Aaron has just told me. “How is that possible? I thought it was something temporary, that would have improved with time—” “Liam.” He pauses, as if looking for the courage to continue. “She doesn’t remember many things from her past, about her life. She doesn’t remember the last concert—she doesn’t remember you—she doesn’t remember Neil.” Just hearing his name pains my heart. I bring my hand impulsively to my chest as if my gesture

could prevent it from shattering.

“Head trauma and amnesia and—the fact that she has removed part of her past means that after two years the doctors think it’s impossible that it will come back to her now.” “I don’t understand—” “Stay away from her, please, it’s already so difficult.” “I can’t.” And as I speak, I can feel my ribcage tighten, pushing against my heart. “I can’t.” I repeat, more to myself than to him. Aaron looks at me, clearly worried. His face is drawn, his eyes heavy, appearing the way someone does who has just given up and let himself go after going through a really rough patch. He’s got a long, unkempt beard—it looks almost more disreputable than mine. His posture is rigid and his expression is of one who has accepted his fate. Someone who’s doing everything he can to keep his head above water, but knows this ship is going down. “When did you get back?” he asks, fumbling for a packet of cigarettes in his back jeans pocket. He takes one and offers one to me. “Three months ago,” I answer, lighting up and letting out the smoke and closing my eyes. “What is it you’re trying to do here?” His voice is hard. “What do you want?” “I—I don’t know. I’m not trying to do anything. I only wanted to see how she’s doing, to make sure

her life was…” I’m not able to finish the phrase. I drop my head to my hands and start to cry. The tears flow, undisturbed, echoing the misery in my face, my shoulders and my heart. “Jesus, Liam!” “I’m sorry.” It’s a word I’ve said ever since that day, but it doesn’t help anything. Regardless of how many times I’ve said it, regardless of how convinced I am regarding the sincerity of my feelings, it’s all crap. It’ll never be enough. There isn’t any one word in the world that can bring us all back. A long silence wraps itself around us, embraces us and calms us as if we needed that in order to leave the pain outside our bodies, permitting us to breathe without that unsustainable weight of being still there. Being alive. I exhale and I let everything I have in mind flow freely. “I need to fix something. I need to put some pieces together of what is left. I need…” I pause for a moment. “…Her.” I can’t believe what I’m saying. “I’m only gonna tell you this one time,” Aaron tells me, “so I hope you get my message loud and clear: Rain is my sister and she’s all I’ve got. I will not permit you to hurt her, in any way, nor to bring to light all that has happened. I don’t understand

your intentions very well, but if your glance even touches her, I swear to you, I will make you regret it, and I’ll make you swallow your balls. Am I clear?” “Aaron, I—” “I thought we were already over this, that you had made a new life for yourself.” “Aaron, I don’t think you—” “Hey, you left! Turning your back on all of us, turning your back on her!” “It’s not like that.” “You got everything you always dreamed of, right? So why, for the love of God, have you come back here? There’s nothing for you here, Liam. Nothing.” I hide in the silence because I don’t have the courage to speak the truth out loud. I don’t have the courage to say the words that are slowly consuming me. I shouldn’t have. I couldn’t have. It was the only thing I had promised myself not to do. “Shit, Liam!” Aaron turns his back on me and walks away, cursing against the emptiness. I don’t know what my intentions are or what I’ll do, I just know I have to get close to her, because she’s the only one who can give me back a reason for living, who can alleviate my pain and my guilt. I

have to fix some things, I need to get someone’s life back up on its feet. I need her, to breathe, to understand that it isn’t finished, to lighten my load that I carry on my shoulders, in my head and my heart. I need to know that at least she is going to make it. That she can have a life, and that I, maybe, could live in her reflection and feel—feel something, understand that I am still alive. What the fuck have I done? I’m a terrible person. In a single night, I destroyed everything. A stupid mistake. Just one that I can’t make better.

1

Liam My name is Liam, a name that hides a profound significance. I’m the first born, and after my birth three other children arrived, all of them rigorously masculine. My mother never had a moment’s peace in the house, but we love her and notwithstanding the years of migraines we caused her, as well as a nervous breakdown, she loves us all indiscriminately. My family is one of those staunch Irish Catholic profound believers in the faith. My parents always wanted a large family and they were convinced that after me, there would be other children. That’s why I, as the first-born child, was given this name. Liam, meaning protector. And that’s what I’ve been doing since I was born. I’m 29 years old, and I’ve spent all of this time defending my brothers, my friends and those weaker than me. At school, I was always getting into trouble. My primary occupation was hunting down bullies: those who pick on the next guy just because he’s more fragile, more timid, defenseless. I spent more time in the Principal’s office or in detention after school than I did in class. No, I’m not a tough guy, courageous or even a

beacon of justice. I’m just a guy who doesn’t like assholes and enjoys putting them in their place. I became man of the house too soon: at 16 years old, I was already taking care of all of them. My father was a useless drunk who’d do anything to avoid a bit of work and who disappeared one day and whom no one misses. He wasn’t a bad man, but he was good for nothing and he spent his money and energy at the pub with his friends rather than providing for his family. My mother always tried to give us everything we needed. She split herself between two jobs to send us all to school, to buy us clothes, books and some little extras when the tips were good. I quit school early, thinking that she’d have less problems if I didn’t go to college, giving someone else the chance to go, someone who earned it more than I did. I helped her the best I could: doing little evening jobs in the neighborhood, home deliveries, being a car-wash boy. Indeed, doing anything that would allow me to bring home a bit of money at the weekend for our family. My little brother Neil was a good guy. We were inseparable. When we were kids, he followed me everywhere. I was his idol. He was frequently the target of bullies at school and I took care of him. I made sure nobody bothered him. For me, music has always been everything. I’ve been playing since I was six years old and my dad

gave me my first guitar. When he was still a father. I put a group together of neighborhood kids: my best friends, Aaron, Jason, Patrick and obviously Neil. I was the one who started in music. Even though I was the one who introduced Neil to my world, and even though he was the youngest and most inexperienced, he became the front-man we needed. He was hands-down the best of us and now I’m the only one left. But I wasn’t able to take his place, I’m not up to the task, but I made a promise, I made him a promise and I promised myself and I’m not going to go back on it. He’s not here any more and now I’ve got to fix things. I spent every moment with my friends since the age of ten. We shared passion, loneliness, and the fear that the only place in the world for us was the basement of our house. And it was within those walls where we grew up, and our friendship bloomed day after day, becoming one with the music. We had ambitious dreams and big ideas to chase after, and we did so. Then, it all ended one rainy night at the end of summer. One damned mistake. Our lives stopped, leaving us on standby, but I’m the one who pulled out, I’m the one who left, who abandoned everyone, who put himself before everything else.

I hid the pain under the dust, I held my tears and the suffering for what I had lost. I transformed all of it into rage and frustration and turned these feelings into energy, courage and determination. I funneled all of my emotions and myself into the music. I didn’t have anything else left. I grabbed the first chance I got and I threw myself into it without regret. At least that’s what I told myself for two years, but it was just an illusion, a life wrapped up for me by someone else. It’s not what I really wanted. Not like that. Not without him. I made one mistake after another and I thought that I had just about reached the end. Almost hoped I had. I would have done anything to not remember, to not see her in front of me every fucking night. And yet here I am. Once again, it hasn’t gone like I had hoped. Another mistake, Liam. Seems like I can’t avoid it. I made a mistake that time, and then I made another mistake, but I swore to myself that I would not commit any more errors.

Rain

I was born on a rainy day, one of those typical dark and ominous Irish days where the wind blows at 130 km/hr and the rain falls sideways, cutting your face. I was born after a race against time to make it to the hospital with an urgent C-section. I was born seven years after the arrival of my brother, Aaron. Father said that I was a blessing from heaven and that these two things combined together were the source of my name: Rain. It’s obviously not a typical Irish name nor is it a family one, but my family didn’t care, in this case they did well to leave tradition by the wayside. My parents haven’t been around for a few years and I don’t remember much about them. It’s just me and Aaron. Aaron is a musician. He put together a group with his childhood friends, but it seems like things didn’t really work out for them and that for now, they’ve set aside their musical dreams to dedicate themselves to this place. I work here too. More than anything, I lend a hand, but I’m not that good. I know how to pour the beer but I’m a disaster at table service. I knock over glasses and bottles, frequently on customers who aren’t very happy. I also have trouble remembering the orders, so both me and Aaron have agreed it’s best for me to work

at the counter. I haven’t always worked here. Before, I used to be a teacher. I worked in an elementary school, but I don’t remember much about that period of my life. My life is very simple. I live with Aaron, Jay and Patrick in a fabulous villa 500 meters from Only4You, the pub that the guys opened a little over a year ago. I have a loft all to myself on the second floor, which the boys do not have access to, and a terrace with a sea view just for me. During the day, I don’t do much, I go for a walk, get a coffee at Caira, a coffee house a few meters down from the pub. I read a book, try to cook something, even if it’s not always a success. Jay is usually the one who does the cooking, at least he does when he’s at home, or else we order takeaways or get something at the market. We live in Howth, a village on the sea. It’s a nice quiet place with little outside traffic, especially in the winter—far from the chaos of Dublin. I like living here because I know every street, side street, every store and every last person who lives in this city. It would be difficult for me to lose my way.

It’s Friday night, and like every weekend in a little while people will be out spending every last cent of their salary. I glance at my watch and realize that it’s already 2.00 p.m. and I’m running late for opening. I grab my takeaway coffee cup, put the book I was reading in my bag, and hurry out of the coffee house. It’s raining, but I don’t care: I love rainy days. I walk slowly towards the stop light to cross. I stop at the red light and push the button so that it’ll change within 30 seconds and I wait. Other people are always hurrying about. They run and cover themselves the best they can, but not me. I just take it easy. I lift my head towards the heavens and let the drops of rain caress my face. It’s such a sense of freedom they give me, of peace, which I need. Distracted by the rain, I forget about the traffic light and I start to cross the street when a motorcycle is about to run me over. I freeze in the middle of the road, petrified with fear, until two strong arms lift me off the ground where I’m standing and bring me back to the sidewalk holding me there forcefully. I go rigid in that tight spot, breathing rapidly from the panic or the near miss, and because of the shock of finding myself in the arms of a stranger when a voice whispers in my ear: “Everything’s alright, you’re safe.”

I relax my muscles while the stranger’s grip slowly lightens up, letting me ease down and get my feet back on the sidewalk. I stand straight and turn around while the person’s hands remain on my hips, keeping me steady. And I have to completely turn my head to the left in order to make eye contact. He’s at least 30 centimeters taller than I am. Solid, with shoulders as big as my bedroom closet. His sweatshirt is just big enough to contain his muscles that bulge out under the soft fabric. He’s wearing a Leinster hat pulled down over his eyes. He’s got a long red beard which is very unkempt, and has chiseled facial features, and two eyes on high alert, I’d say they were almost scared. Two eyes I hope I won’t forget. I slowly release myself from him and take a look around. I notice some people have stopped to look at us, asking themselves what must have happened. I smile at them all and nod to let them know I’m all right. The motorcyclist that almost ran me over has stopped at the side of the road. He also wants to make sure nothing serious happened. I give him a humble grin, an apology, and he shakes his head mumbling, Stupid idiot, I seem to understand. Then he puts his helmet back on and speeds off. I turn around again to look my savior in the eyes and all I can see is his back as he walks

quickly away from me. The rain continues to fall as it has this whole time, which seems to me like an eternity, when it occurs to me it’s just been a few minutes. A few minutes and I could have died. Another time my life was put at risk, just because of a distraction. A stupid distraction.

Liam Ten minutes later I’m in front of Only4You. I walk a few paces behind her, gripped by a profound sense of agony, holding my breath to try and contain my emotions. I hadn’t seen her again this close up for a long time. All these months I have kept my distance to avoid getting dangerously close to her. She seems to be the same person, but one look was enough for me to understand it’s not true. Is it possible she didn’t realize the light was red? Is it possible she was just distracted? That was my first thought, but then she looked at me and I saw someone who was lost, confused, almost detached, as if she didn’t know where she was. As if she didn’t know who I was. God, she was about to get run over by a motorcycle! How can they leave her alone like that? In front of the pub, she tries pushing the door, but has a bit of difficulty. Someone from the inside comes toward her to open it and I see her smile just slightly, embarrassed. I’d like to go in with her, to talk, to try to make

her understand—but what am I supposed to do, go in and introduce myself in front of the guys as if nothing has happened after all that has happened? Before going in, she faces my way but without really looking at me. She takes off her hat and shakes her head, letting the water run down her back. And then I see it, it’s there and it always will be. The sign she will carry with her for the rest of her life and will remind her of what no longer is and, more importantly, will remind her of me. I turn and escape quickly. I shouldn’t have seen her, I should not have come here, I should not have followed her every day, step by step.

You see I started doing this three months ago, when I first set foot back in Ireland. I know all of her habits, her schedule, her favorite places. I know what time she starts work and what time she gets off. I know when her break is, what she eats and how she prefers her coffee. I even know the title of the book she’s reading and I went out and got myself a copy. I’m a stalker, one of the worst. I cannot get her out of my head. I can’t think about anything but her. Worse still, I can’t go back and make everything right and I can’t go ahead, forgetting about the pain I’ve caused. I can’t do anything but look at her from a distance and remember. Remind myself that I no longer deserve anything or anyone. And that if I’m not a ghost, I’m the shadow of a man who used to be a brother, a friend, a musician, but now knows that he’s nothing. That’s what I am. I can’t do anything but hurt myself, because that’s what I deserve, and to reap the fruit of my pain that I have sewn with total disrespect for myself as a person, because that’s the only thing I’m able to feel.

Rain

“Here I am Aaron. Sorry, I’m late,” I tell him and hurry to get into the pub and take off my rainsoaked jacket. “Hi, Rain, but—you’re all wet. Go dry off. That’s all we need right now, is for you to get sick.” “I’m fine, it’s just a bit of rain,” I say, giving him a kiss on his cheek while he’s bending over behind the bar, reordering some bottles. “Where’ve you been?” he asks me, even if he already knows the answer. Every day I spend at least a few hours outside to get some fresh air, but today, since it wasn’t great weather, I hung out in the village coffee house, where they make my favorite drink: Frappuccino with a dusting of vanilla.

I smile at him because it’s not necessary for me to respond. Then I get started setting the chairs up around the tables before sitting down on a bar stool behind the counter, and pulling out a book I’ve been working on before the first customers show up. You see I love reading, it’s my biggest passion. I’ve got 100 different titles on my bedroom bookshelves. Aaron says I’ve already read them all, even if I don’t remember most of them, so I started rereading them. A bit for curiosity and a bit because it’s good for me. It helps keep my mind active and my brain vigilant.

They told me that two years ago I was able to read a whole book in a single night, but now that seems entirely impossible. I’m slow and I have a hard time concentrating on the words. I frequently have to go back and read the same passage at least two or three times before my mind really understands its significance. I don’t get downhearted about it, I just go on with my reading. Every day I am regaled with a new life where I can immerse myself, lose myself or find a part of myself, a part that was lost a long, long time ago. “Always with your head in a book, huh?” Aaron gives me a gentle nudge on the nose while he opens the fridge under the counter to grab a beer. “Are you going out?” I ask, cocking my head to the side as I await his answer. “Delivery’s arriving,” he replies, “just like every day—” He stops himself abruptly. I imagine I must ask him the same thing every day and that he probably tells me the same thing every time, trying not to show his frustration. “Sorry.” I immediately lower my glance, going back to the pages of my book, even if I don’t start reading. Stupid. I should write it somewhere so I don’t assault him with all my questions.

By way of answering, he comes close to me, takes the book out of my hands. He looks at the title, his mouth makes a frown and his brow furls. I know what he’s thinking. I’ve been reading the same book for at least two weeks. I’m too slow. I should stop trying. Aaron must have understood my thoughts, because he comes near the counter and caresses my face with the back of his hand. Then he smiles, and in his eyes I see compassion, pity and worry. It’s always the same mix of emotions.

I grab my book and slam it shut and put it away under the counter. I get up and go in back, with the excuse that I have to tally up the bar. I close the door and lean up against it and then slide down to the floor. And that’s when I hear them talking. “She’s never going to get better.” “She’s fine, Aaron, she’s here with us, that’s what’s important.” “I know Jay, but I can’t—I can’t do it.” “You have to, for her.” I sit on the floor and hug my legs, rest my head on my knees and let the tears flow in despair and commiseration.

3

Liam I’m on the other side of the street, in front of Only4You, torn between closing this distance that separates me from her and turning on my heel and letting it go for today. “Liam?” Shit. I turn around slowly. “It’s really you—” Jay hasn’t changed at all. The years don’t seem to have passed for him. He still looks like a little kid, even if the same amount of time has passed for him too. I note with pleasure he’s getting his first bits of facial hair coming in. “Jay,” I greet him, forcing myself to smile and give the impression I’m happy to see him. Not that I’m not, but I can’t help feeling guilty, remembering what kind of man I am. “When—” “I’m just passing through.” I cut it short, pulling the last drag on my cigarette and then stomping it out with my foot. “Not stopping long.” “How’s it going, man? I haven’t seen you—” “Yeah.” I nod. “Been a while.” “Too long.” There’s the sound of a voice over my shoulder. I slowly

turn around and find myself in front of Aaron. “Still here?” he challenges, looking me right in the eyes. “I saw her.” The words come out without my even realizing it, while Aaron tightly closes his eyelids before answering. “Not here,” he says, looking around. “Let’s go in back.” “But she’s—” “No, she’s at home, we’ve got a few hours,” he adds, looking at his watch. We cross the street and walk around the block to get to the back door of the pub. Aaron pulls out his bunch of keys, selects one and opens the metal door, making a gesture that we should good in. “When?” he asks me, immediately closing the door and leaning his shoulder against it. “Yesterday afternoon. I ran into her by chance and—” “Cut the bullshit, Liam.” I nod and let out the breath I was holding. “Are you in contact with her? Have you spoken with her?” I shake my head while I lean against the wall. “Are you following her? Are you by any chance stalking my sister?” I can’t lie. “I just want to make sure she’s okay.” Aaron sighs roughly while massaging his forehead with his fingers.

“How long has this been going on?” “For a bit,” I say vaguely. I don’t want any blood to spill here, what’s more if he hit me I wouldn’t be able to react. Because it’s what I deserve. “Liam,” Jay intervenes, afraid that things could take a turn for the worse. He knows our history together and that between Aaron and me there are too many unresolved issues. “We haven’t seen you after—” “I know.” I close my eyes and brush them with my hands. “You’re a disaster,” he adds sincerely. “We thought you were in London. Yeah, well, we followed your successes—” “Let’s not exaggerate,” Aaron interrupts. “You’re not that famous here. Not more than we are anyway.” I grin just a bit and shake my head. “Why are you doing it?” he asks in a strained voice and with evident frustration on his face. “I can’t help it.” “It’s a bad fuckin’ situation. She doesn’t remember anything, Liam. Nothing! She barely remembers who I am, who they are—and so…” His voice breaks and I understand he needs a few minutes to swallow his rage and calm down. “Liam,” he says after a pause, as if to find the force to continue. “After the coma, we didn’t think she was going to come out of it and when she started to show the first signs of improvement, we understood right away that she would never be like she was before. She’s not the same girl you knew.”

Rain

I love music, I could spend the whole day listening to it and humming along. Music helps me relax, to be calm and to find my inner peace. It brings me to a faraway place made only of light and intimate sounds, that I feel on my skin like real emotions, as if I were really living in those moments when I hear those notes and those words. Aaron says I’ve always liked music but that now it’s almost become an obsession for me. Listening to music helps me to keep my mind sharp in a healthy way and it’s not invasive. The words enter my head via my heart: I listen to them, taste them and re-elaborate them and am able to memorize so many words. Words which I would otherwise not be able to remember. I stay for hours in my room sitting by the window with my i-Pod always on, looking at the sky suddenly changing shapes. I observe the clouds that chase each other light and quick, that cause intense, pain-producing drops of rain to fall that hurt the trees, the flowers and that blind your vision, that soak you and freeze you, and yet they have a completely different effect on me. The rain is the only thing I can remember. The water that runs over my helpless body, that caresses me and slides down my face, that keeps

my mind anchored in reality, that regales me with the only thing I know to make me feel again. To be alive. All the rest is a big black hole in which my life was swallowed up one rainy night at the end of summer two years ago. I woke up in a hospital bed, they told me, because obviously I’m not able to remember what happened. I started to form my first words about two months later, but for phrases it took another six months. Now—by my good luck, they say—I can express myself rather well, but they doubt there will be much improvement beyond this. Sometimes, when I speak with a stranger, I understand how pathetic I must seem. How I stutter or get blocked up or don’t remember what I wanted to say. I’m sure I seem pretty stupid. In those situations I prefer just to keep quiet, smile and continue on my way, limiting my contacts with strangers and sticking with people who know my situation; even though they look at me with pity and compassion, they don’t make me feel the weight of my being me. They told me I used to be really different from how I am now, that I was a good teacher, that the kids adored me and that I had friends—although I couldn’t tell what they’re doing now. I’ve seen very few people since I got out of the hospital, I’m always with Aaron or the guys. I don’t even know

if I had a boyfriend or a special friend. Seems I was reserved regarding my personal life, but I imagine if I did have someone special back then, he wouldn’t have abandoned me in a moment like that. Or maybe he would have. I’m not the same person, I don’t have memories, I don’t have a life, a future. Guys don’t approach me, at least not with serious intentions. It’s happened a few times with new clients at the pub, but as soon as I open my mouth they lift their heels and go the opposite direction. I imagine it’s too difficult to have a relationship with someone like me, that remembers very little of her past, speaks with difficulty and who could meet you one day and forget your name the next. Someone whose movements are uncoordinated and suffers public tremors of her arms and legs, which she is unable to control, and that can be really embarrassing. Someone with a ten centimeters’ scar on her forehead that’s visible from meters away. A girl who lives with her brother and his friends, and must be reminded every day of things like when her birthday is, what time to take her medicine. People who put out the fire for her when she forgets to do it, and who call the local shops to warn them when they know she’s heading out. Yeah, I know all these things. I’m not so stupid that I’m not aware of them. My life is simply methodic: I always do the

exact identical things as a routine for fear of becoming confused mentally, and not being able to work my way out of it. I note everything about my daily routine in order not to forget anything. I spend days waiting for the next rainy one to get closer to that person I used to be. To have the sensation of being me, to be tied to a life that no longer belongs to me, and long for the time when I could at least remember the smells associated with my old life. I wait for the rain, because one day the rain might bring me back to myself.

4

Liam I return to the hotel after having visited with Aaron and Jay. Same story again tonight, I wasn’t able to stay away from that place, especially after having seen her, after having held her in my arms. Again. I grabbed her and lifted her with all of my might, almost afraid of breaking her or knocking the wind out of her. I couldn’t let her go, I just wanted to keep her with me, to convince myself it was real; to sink my face into her neck and breathe her sweet, delicate perfume. The perfume of life. So different from the last time when the only thing I could smell was the odor of the rain, the blood and the death that surrounded us. I felt her heartbeat, her breath. I felt it. I felt everything. She only looked at me for a few instances, with those empty, lost eyes. I thought maybe for a minute she might recognize me—but no. She doesn’t know who I am and maybe it’s better that way. I followed her from a distance, I’ve spied on her daily activities, I’ve inserted myself like a sticky

glob of glue into her life. I’ve studied her movements and her habits until they’ve become my own. I’ve been near her in the only way I can be, because my closeness is not what she needs, my closeness could only push her over the edge and make her suffer again. And I cannot permit that to happen. I slump on the bed and slip off my shoes and lay down without even turning on the lights. I don’t need to see. I don’t need anything. The emptiness and the silence devour me bite after bite and I let them. I don’t care about myself, I don’t care about anything that will happen to me, I don’t care about anything. The only thing that matters is that she’s alive. That has to be enough for me. Her face comes back to my mind and rests before my eyes. I close them tightly, but she’s still there, tattooed in my thoughts. Her eyes call me and search for me, they beg me and invite me, but I can’t go to her. I can’t do this to her. I can’t do this to him. I press my hands to my face, hoping to erase the memories, the past that returns, always without pity, to remind me that I’m still here, occupying a place that isn’t mine, that I didn’t ask for, that I didn’t want. Not at his cost. The fact is I can’t do this to myself.

I’m here fighting against my rage, loneliness and depression. Against the knowledge that my life hasn’t been cut short, that it was spared—most of it to be lived yet and I don’t know if I can go on, not alone, not without him. What else have I got? A destroyed friendship. All our dreams up in smoke. A life half lived to start over. What else is there? My useless existence, wasted, in vain and with which I have no idea what to do. I wanna let myself go into nothing, into the oblivion. I’d like to not wake up tomorrow morning so that I wouldn’t have to face another day without him. I’d like to not feel an obligation to go there, every night, to see her live, because it’s the only thing that lightens my load a bit, that helps me to keep myself from pulling the plug, that flows the blood to my heart and keeps it living and that lets me hope that, perhaps some tomorrow, at least for her, will arrive. She. The only reason I’m still here. She. The only note I want to remember from this melody that scratches my ears and my heart.

Rain

I cannot believe I’m late again. Today I went too far out, giving myself a long solitary walk along the shore, allowing myself some excitement for the looming Saturday and the Bank Holiday this month, which will have everyone out drinking themselves into oblivion. I decide to double back, cutting through the bay where the fishermen are loading their afternoon catch, hoping that there aren’t already too many people out and about. I quicken my pace as much as I can, but I am tired and I have to sit a minute on a bench and catch my breath. I rest my elbows behind me and stretch my back to look at the clouds that are playing and chasing the wind, the seagulls flying over my head, to enjoy the peace and serenity of this place. And that’s when I hear it. The music. I stand up straight and turn, first right and then left, to try and understand where it’s coming from. Must be one of those street musicians that changes every day, but judging by the voice, I don’t think I’ve ever heard this one. I stand up and follow the melody until I discover its source: in a sheltered corner, hidden from the recesses of the walls surrounding the pier, there’s a

guy with a guitar. He’s wearing a hat that almost covers his eyes above a long unkempt beard. He has tattoos that cover his neck, and has a well-worn sweatshirt and tattered jeans. Slowly, he lifts his head as if he can sense my presence and my eyes on him, and he looks at me. There they are. I haven’t forgotten them. Well, it seems that I have not lost all my memories. Something remains. I remain there with my mouth gaping open, trying to fit the pieces together, but I lose myself someplace, I don’t know where—some hidden place in the darkness of my mind. Someone bumps into me, making me change my glance, and saying something not too cute, which wakes me from my trance that has overcome me; but the embarrassment remains, because it’s in that moment that I realize I can’t peel my eyes off of him and look elsewhere. What I am seeing is mysterious, suffering and inexplicably fascinating; but there’s something else, something more. It runs through me in a second and travels my body from head to toe. It shocks me and shakes me. It makes me want things I don’t have. Things I can’t have. That I can’t ever have. My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish

ways/Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life/Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, oh/And it haunts me every time I close my eyes.1 I hear it. I hear his voice, his soul. I hear everything. I sit there in silence, holding my breath, following the movements his tattooed hands make. I’m enraptured by the heartbreaking melody, forgetting completely about work, the people passing by, the holiday, and the sky above us that starts letting down its first drops of rain. Of the world. There’s nothing left. I’m not there anymore.

5

Liam I haven’t been able to touch my guitar for five months, since that night, when everything fell into total darkness. It sits there, staring at me, judging me, reminding me I’m not able to do anything. And still it was my only friend in those years, and now I can hardly look at it. It reminds me of my past, it reminds me of Neil and the guys. It reminds me of her. It reminds me of everything I don’t have any more. Frustrated and angry with myself, I grab it roughly and put it in its case, and put the strap over my shoulder. I leave the hotel but I don’t want to drive. I want to get lost in a crowd, see faces, hear things—feel, anything. So I make my way through the vehicles cutting through the street with no destination in mind, cutting through the park by the bay where the musicians go daily to get noticed. I look for the remotest corner to take cover on the pier a few meters from the lighthouse. I sit on the stone wall and inhale this new air laden with saline, hoping to stir something in my mind and bring my emotions to life. I set the case

down and open it. I take the guitar and try touching it, but the contact with the strings hurts me, delineates me, drops me lead-footed into the dark pitch of my nothingness. I go to put it back when I see someone walking quickly across the pier. She’s wearing a knee-length dress and red rain boots. Her hair is tied back in a long soft braid that reaches her breast. She sits on a park bench, rests her elbows behind her and lays back a bit, to admire the sky. And a blessed smile forms on her lips. Nothing. There’s nothing else. Everything around me has disappeared, sucked in by her smile. There’s nothing more beautiful or more important. I understand in this instant, that I could do anything to see it again and make sure it never stops. Life. That’s what it is. Without even realizing it, my hands are back on the chords. My fingers are rigid and cold and the sound that comes out is a bit wooden, but it’s there and I can’t do anything but let it come, hoping and fearing at the same time, that it reaches her directly. And then she notices me, she looks at me and I am paralyzed. My heart stops in the moment I think she’s recognized me. I decide to look back at her, exchanging glances, even though I know it’s a big fucking mistake. And there, in her eyes, I forget who I am and

who I was. For a few seconds Liam O’Reilly doesn’t exist anymore, unless it is in the reflection of her eyes. Then she is distracted, she looks around embarrassed and agitated, and I let her go. I let her distance herself from me and this contact that should not have been but which I can’t let go. Another error. I feel her eyes on me again, following me, digging into my soul, asking for that contact again, but I can’t allow it. I can’t permit her to do this to me. I can’t permit myself to do this to her. So I avoid her lethal glance and go back to looking at my fingers, venting my frustration in the music which once again has not abandoned me, notwithstanding the way I’ve mistreated it, betrayed it and disappointed it. She’s there and always has been, buried in kilos of shit, chaos and bad choices. Can I do it? Can I concentrate again on the music and forget everything else? Can I give up that smile and that look? I can do without it. I have to do without it. I don’t need it and surely she doesn’t need me and what I can never give her.

Rain

I’m still sitting outside Caira with my headphones on, when I feel the cell phone vibrate on the table. I look at the display and see it’s Aaron: it’s then that I realize I’m late again. I get up right away, but my movements are always brusque and I bump into the next table, and I knock over the full coffees the two guys sitting there were drinking, right next to where their laptops were precariously sitting. I observe the dark liquid ooze onto the pavement, and I’m in a catatonic state while the two guys become agitated and start yelling something at me, but I can’t hear it. I stand there, immobile, incapable of movement or of focusing on what’s happening. The guy comes towards me and starts talking to me, taking me by the arm and shaking me from my trance. I snap out of it, but my senses are confused and my mind isn’t able to elaborate quickly enough. The only thing I can hear is: Jesus, are you stupid? And that’s when I feel those arms around me again. I let myself be squeezed and delicately moved aside. “Get your hands off her, now!” says the newcomer. “Hey, friend, calm down. I was just trying to—” “Don’t try to do anything. Don’t touch her, don’t look at her and especially, don’t talk to her

ever again in that way, or else your mother won’t be able to recognize your body. Have I been clear?” The guy raises his hands and sits down again, shaking his head and mumbling to himself. “Everything okay?” the man who’s rescued me says. I turn my head slowly and nod. Everything happened in just a few seconds, but in my head I see distorted images and I’m not able to follow them, I can’t stay behind it. Behind all of it. His arms slowly slide away from my shoulders and I suddenly feel uncovered, vulnerable. Empty. I’m a shell, a fragile, dilapidated, scratched up seashell that you could never hear the sounds of the sea from. My emotions get the better of me. My hands start shaking, followed by my arms and I sense the humiliation as tears run down my cheeks. I feel suddenly alone, as if around me there was nothing, as if everything has vanished and I am sitting on the guard rail of a bridge with my legs dangling into nothing. I can feel someone caressing my face, drying my tears. He takes me sweetly by the arm away from the coffee house, leading me by the waist and walks me over to the other side of the street. He walks with me, holding my weight and I’m not able

to tell you for how long; he helps me sit on something wet and it’s only then that I realize I’m in a field, on grass that’s wet from yesterday’s rain and that the park is in front of the bay. And I lie down and instinctively close my eyes when the sun hits my eyelids. I breathe profoundly until my muscles start to relax and I feel a sense of calm return to my whole being. I straighten out my body and start to ruffle my hand on the grass, which in addition to being wet, is also cold. I don’t care if I’m completely wet by now, and I don’t care how I got here. The only thing that does matter is that I feel safe. As I play with strands of grass, letting them slide through my hands, I feel them, his fingers on mine. Slowly, they emerge through the grass and onto my fingertips, and I stop, and wait—wait for something. For anything. There is such a slight caress in my palm, such a delicate movement that it’s difficult to perceive, but my skin senses it, and it transmits the signal to my brain which, although badly reduced and a bit lightheaded, is able to understand what’s happening. The heat from his touch radiates through me starting from my fingers, branches off to my arm before arriving in my chest, finding refuge there where nothing ever takes root.

We stay like this, for minutes that pass into hours, perhaps days or years. I don’t know. My head is a mess and I’m not able to think of time passing or the sun that’s decided to play a joke on us, being overtaken by the clouds, who now release their freezing waters and soak us. And still, we don’t move. We let the water fall on us with no problem at all, and I finally feel my mind free and light. I feel. I feel alive. And I start to laugh, without reason, because that’s how I am. And I can feel him looking at me. It burns me and creeps into my mind where I have nothing other than nothing. I don’t turn my head and exchange a glance with his. My laugh dies out slowly and is transformed into an open smile aimed at the heavens, even if truth be told it’s aimed at someone. And I know he knows it.

6

Liam We stay there in silence for at least a half an hour while the rain doesn’t let up, even for a minute. I am completely petrified, by the cold, from her nearness, from her fingers next to mine. Life. That’s what I feel as I sit next to her. I feel life returning and running in my veins, my muscles, my mind. And in my heart. I feel like I’m still here, even though the other things have disappeared before my eyes in just one night. I feel and I’m afraid, because I shouldn’t have gotten close, I shouldn’t have interfered in her life. I should have remained at a distance to assure myself that nothing could happen to her. Now I should protect her, like I didn’t do that night. That’s what pushed me to interact with her: my instinct to protect. When I saw that idiot going after her, I just got up and went. Just the thought that someone would dare to try and hurt her takes my breath away. Nothing can happen to her. Ever again. And now, now I’m here lying down with her in the cold wet grass, I feel that I’m making a mistake again, that I shouldn’t be here, that it’s so damned

wrong. The situation is getting out of hand, I’m losing control and I cannot lose control. I cannot permit it. And despite this, despite the fact that I have an unstoppable desire to hightail it out of here as far as possible from this contact, it’s the only place I’d want to be and should be in this instant, where everything seems to have meaning. How is it possible that something so completely wrong can be the only thing that allows me to feel something again? And then she starts laughing. She laughs and laughs, shaking me from my confused state. I am immobile, defeated by the desire to turn and lose myself in her green eyes, or to run away from her and from this torture that has bitten into my chest, reminding me of my guilt and my pain. She continues laughing and giggling until she lets go of my hand. And I feel suddenly lost again, and in a tenth of a second, I realize I don’t want to feel that way in future. Slowly, I turn towards her and slowly she calms down. She doesn’t look back at me, she remains with her eyes closed, facing the heavens and with a smile on her lips, and I know, even if she won’t turn and face me, that that smile is for me. I need it, for Chrissake, I need it more than anything else in the world. Take away everything, withhold the air, but

don’t take away that smile or I won’t be able to open my eyes tomorrow. I need it for myself. I need to see it on her lips constantly, to remind me that life goes on and that she’s still here, that everything isn’t lost, that I can still do something. For her. I can do something for her. And I don’t know how, but I feel my lips that until that moment had been locked in a straight line, fold just slightly upwards into a sort of grin. I understand that this is my way of smiling and that I haven’t done it since that night, before the beginning of the end of everything.

Rain

I stop in front of the pub door. I look at my watch and I realize I’m over two hours late. I’m agitated and awkward. I keep my face down, eyes on my feet which I continue to sway my weight on, hoping to employ a few minutes of his company, before he turns his back and walks out of my life. “Well, thanks,” I’m able to say miraculously in one breath. Not like it was a big deal, just two simple words, direct, immediate. “You’re welcome,” he replies, looking around with the air of someone who can’t wait to get out of there. I know I probably shouldn’t and I’ll probably screw it up, but I decide to try it nonetheless. “Would you like—” “—I can’t.” He interrupts me right away. “I have to go.” I didn’t have any doubt. So I nod and try to push the door open to get in, but it’s been one of those days, and my muscles are just not responding to my commands and the numbness in my arms leaves me with little coordination. “Leave it,” he says, and I turn red immediately, feeling the tears creeping into my eyes. “Th-thanks,” I repeat, but this time it doesn’t

come out well, and I stutter in front of him, damn it. He seems not to notice, pushes the door and holds it open for me, while I pass through it, disappointed. What was I thinking of doing? Inviting him in, so he could see for himself how pathetic my life is? I turn around one last time to give him a bitter smile. “Well, b-bye—” “It’s Liam,” he tells me. “Liam O’Reilly.” “Nice to m-meet you, Liam O’Reilly,” I say almost without hesitation. “I’m Rain. Rain O’Donovan.” “Rain,” he whispers, and I can barely hear him. “Like the rain from the sky,” he continues with a grin that looks like a smile he’s trying to hide. But I see his smile, bright and luminous like the sun that insistently tries to break free from the grey clouds. “Li-like a rainy day.” I smile back with my lips, with my face and with all of me. “Well, see you soon, rainy day.” And he goes away quickly, while I remain glued to the doorstep, unable to go in or to let him go. I follow him with my eyes until he gets to the stop light. He waits a few seconds for the green and then disappears around the corner. Resigned to him leaving, I walk in and find myself in front of Aaron, who, inclining his head slightly, scrutinizes my face,

and I imagine that I’m an open book. “You’re late. I was worried about you.” “Sorry.” “And who—was your friend, there?” I reflect a minute before taking a big breath and reply. “No one.” No one. I repeat in my head and my heart. It was no one at all. No one worth remembering, no one to take note of. And yet, at my first opportunity, I run home and go to my room. I dig through the cassette in my desk and find a fuchsia post-it note—one of the ones I hadn’t wanted to use yet, those destined for the events you hadn’t planned on, those things that leave a mark, something I really don’t want to forget. I get a pen from the drawer and write with my not-so-clear handwriting. I tear off the paper and head for my closet. I make a bit of space between the other post-its that I’ve started since I came home and I attach it. There, in the middle of all of my thoughts, between the yellow, the green and the orange ones. Liam O’Reilly.

7

Liam I walk her back to the pub. We walk side by side without saying a word, keeping our eyes in front of us. Every once in a while I take a quick peek as we quietly make it to our destination. I’ve gotta slow my decisive stride to not get too far ahead of her and embarrass her. I wouldn’t want her to feel uncomfortable after everything that happened today. In front of the pub she tries pushing the door open, but has some difficulty. So I give her a hand and with my shoulder I shove it open, letting her pass by. She smiles at me and goes in, then stops, uncertain. She says tentatively: “Would you like to—” “I can’t,” I interrupt before she can continue. “I have to go.” I don’t have to go anywhere, there’s nothing outside the perimeters of this fucking place. Everything that’s important to me is right here in this moment. “Liam, Liam O’Reilly.” I introduce myself, afraid and yet hoping she’ll connect my name to someone else. But it doesn’t happen. For her, I’m some stranger she just casually ran into.

And I’ve got to fix that. Then she speaks, a few lines that break my heart and make my knees go weak: “I’m Rain. Like a rainy day.” I’d like to run away from her as fast as I can, but in this moment I feel weak, cowardly and without identity. The way she pronounces those few syllables opens a chasm in my heart that I will not be able to heal. I feel impotent. Guilty. I walk away quickly without turning back, because I know her eyes are there, watching me. I go, fully aware of the enormous damage I’ve provoked and knowing I opened the spiral she has latched onto, grabbing with its nails onto my heart. So I leave, but in a way I remain there, because my eyes are in hers and I have no intention of turning back now. I leave, but I remain there, because my soul is entirely in her hands and doesn’t want to go back to the darkness of its shelter in my body. I go away, but not completely away, because all of her has entered into me, invading itself directly under my skin.

Rain

“So, tell me about this new mysterious savior.” “There’s not much to tell and then, it’s not very mysterious either, seeing as how I know his name, don’t you think?” Erin has dropped by to chat to me even though it’s her day off. She’s been working here at the pub for about six months, and she’s practically the only person I go out with. She’s the only one who doesn’t embarrass me and doesn’t know the me that I used to be. “Okay, alright, we know his name. Isn’t there anything else you can tell me? Besides the fact that he’s got a chest like a closet, and blue eyes.” “Well, I think he’s a musician and…” I’m not able to finish the phrase, because someone is at the door, which is right behind Erin. “What is it?” Erin tries to ask, while I sink into the silence. Aaron comes in, followed by Jay who picks us out right away. They stop by our table, before Aaron makes a gesture with his head behind him. My eyes dart to the person at their side, and I feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment. Liam is coming towards our table. He’s wearing the same jeans he wore in the morning and the same sweatshirt that barely contains his impressive chest.

He waves at me and I acknowledge his greeting, trying to take a few sips of my drink, but I’m lucky not to choke on it and I end up coughing a bunch and spitting on the table. I’m a disaster. “Everything okay?” Aaron asks me, giving me a pat on the back. “This is—” “—L-Liam,” I complete the word, shooting him a quick glance. “We already know each other,” Liam adds before sitting down in front of me. Aaron scrutinizes us for a few seconds, his gaze resting a bit longer on Liam, then he shakes his head and sits down next to him. Before I can open my mouth, someone calls me from the counter: my break is over. I go to get up and Erin stops me, smiling gently. “I’ve got this,” she tells me. “But today is your day off.” “Well, I didn’t have anything better to do,” she says, squeezing my arm and winking at me. She walks away and joins Keith, a guy that helps us out a few nights a week behind the counter. I watch her for a few minutes until I get up the courage to turn and meet Aaron’s eyes: I can feel them on me. There’s a huge commotion and yelling that make me wince and Aaron jumps to his feet, followed closely by Jay.

“Excuse me, I’ve got to go limit the damages and kick that guy’s ass,” he says, probably referring to Keith and then they go, leaving Liam and me alone. I sigh and shake my head, not believing I’m alone with him. “So, you work here?” I nod, finishing my drink in a few sips. “Can I take you someplace else?” I smile. “Well, I should be the one to do that, seeing as how I work here,” I say without any trouble. “But now you’re not working, are you?” “I-I was on a break, I was just saying hi to a frfriend,” and the miracle of speaking normally does not repeat itself this time. “What are you drinking?” “A Coke pl-please.” “Coming right up.” He smiles at me just slightly, before getting up and going to the counter, and I’m grateful Patrick isn’t there to serve him, because he wouldn’t be happy to see me with a man. I watch him move slowly through the crowd, excusing himself and setting his elbows on the counter, waiting to be served. His back is to me and I take advantage of the chance to look at him. His body is like a statue: well defined and robust with large muscular shoulders. He’s got short reddish hair, a long unkempt beard in the same color and I

think to myself that even from behind, he’s something to admire. I sigh and plant my elbows on the table, putting my head in my hands. I shouldn’t do it. I shouldn’t look at him and more than anything else, I shouldn’t get any fancy ideas. A guy like that would never go for someone like me. Why hurt yourself by imagining what can never be? He takes two glasses and turns around, walking towards me. I pull myself up instantly and sit there like an idiot, staring at him with my lips semi-open and my heart in my throat. Oh no. I really shouldn’t do it. Don’t even think about it, Rain. He’s not the guy for you. Or more accurately, you’re not the one for him.

8

Liam “Thanks for coming,” Aaron says. “Sure.” “Would you like to come in for a beer?” “I don’t think so.” “Oh, come on, it’s just a beer. Come in, let’s drink something, you tell us what the hell happened in London and we’ll tell Patrick you’re here, before he finds out by himself and goes nuts.” “I don’t know—” “Let’s go,” he insists, opening the pub door. “Don’t make a scene.” Before he can go in, I grab his arm. “Why?” I ask him. “Why what?” “Why are you doing this?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Liam. It’s just a beer.” “Why are you allowing me to get next to her?” “Isn’t that what you’ve already done?” I let his arm go and lean my back up against the wall with my head leaning backwards. “I’ve never been upset with you about the accident,” Aaron explains. “I know that there was nothing you could do to avoid it, I know what you

did after—” “Please don’t say it, I’m begging you.” “Listen to me!” Aaron snaps. “There are a few simple rules. Never talk about the accident. Don’t ask questions, don’t ask about her past and don’t dig up too much of her life. Don’t bring to light things that are better left unremembered. And, more than anything Liam, don’t let her fall in love with you.” The last words hit me like a train in the stomach. I could never do a thing like that. “Aaron, I don’t think you—” “This is a one-way conversation. I speak, you nod and accept my conditions. And in case you do not agree, I’ll kick your ass from here to Cork.” I shake my head incredulously. I can’t believe he’s opening the door to his house after everything that has happened. “You’re my friend, Liam. Our friend. And Neil was—we’ve known each other our whole lives for Chrissake! We’ve been through the worst of it together, we’ve been a source of strength for each other; we’ve faced solitude, the fear of not making it, we’ve overcome the pain of loss because we were in it together, only because we were a family. I was mad, it’s true. When you left—it was difficult for all of us. “But now you’re here and I know there’s something you don’t want to tell us, something that

happened, and for now that’s okay. But look at you. You’re hurt, destroyed, completely in pieces. I know how that feels, believe me. Everyone deserves a second chance, and if you need to verify that she’s okay in order to free your soul of the weight it is burdened with, I certainly won’t stand in your way. But I am warning you not to make her suffer. She’s fragile, Liam. She’s confused and— don’t hurt her feelings, I beg you.” “I would never do that.” “Good, I’m glad to hear it.” “Thanks, Aaron.” “Don’t thank me. Just don’t make me regret it.” I follow him inside with Jay, who preferred to wait outside the whole time, staying a few paces behind him. I’m nervous about stepping in here and seeing her again. I see her right away but I stay at Aaron’s side. Aaron goes over and I see that she’s sitting with another girl. While he exchanges a few lines with Rain, I take a moment to observe her silently. Her big brilliant eyes betray their fear and her face flushes with embarrassment. Her hair lies over her shoulders, soft and wavy, and I think I’d like to run my fingers through those luminous copper waves. I shake my head immediately, trying to drive out those thoughts that crept in without my permission, and I sit beside her. “We already know each other,” I say to Aaron,

who scrutinizes me for a few seconds before sitting next to me. Something happens at the back of the pub, a big noise followed by a bunch of swearing that calls Aaron and Jay away, leaving me alone with her. My God, I can’t do it. I’ve already seen her this close twice, but each time those damned eyes dug a hole bigger than my heart—a hole that gets larger and larger and that I won’t be able to cover. And it’s only my fault because I permitted it to. I let her in and she takes more little steps to steal what was left of me. It’s too late to turn back, because every gesture, every syllable she pronounces with embarrassment, every look, every uncertain damned movement she makes is already mine. All of her is already mine. All of her has always been mine.

Rain

“And so, you know my brother.” We’ve been at the table for ten minutes. He got something from the counter for both of us. Liam is silent and visibly upset. He wiggles in his chair and looks around with suspicion. I suppose he has fallen into this situation by chance and is looking for an escape. “If you don’t feel like talking, it’s not important. Actually, if you need to go somewhere—” “No,” he quickly interrupts me, raising his eyes to mine. “It’s just—I’m not crazy about places that are so crowded.” “You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to. You came in with Aaron and Jay and they’re gone, so if you want—” I say, less uncertain that I imagined. “I don’t have anything to do, really, it’s not a problem. I just feel like I’m suffocating here,” he responds, taking off his sweatshirt and revealing a tight black T-shirt. I look away from him and think of something to say. “Erin and I have been friends since she started working here about six months ago. We hit it off right away,” I improvise. I don’t know what else to talk about. “She’s one of the few people that’s been

in my life since—” I let the phrase die out midthought. I’m getting too detailed. He raises his eyebrows a second and takes a few sips of his drink, he’s still antsy—it’s like he’d rather be anywhere but here with me. “Since?” he surprises me by asking, but I’m not ready to slam my condition in his face just yet. I need some time to dream about him before that door opens. Once I tell him I can’t take it back. “It’s not important,” I lie, shaking my head. It’s important, and how. “I understand.” He looks at his watch and sighs impatiently. “We can go out if you want,” I suggest hopefully. He jumps up. “Of course I want to,” he says, putting his sweatshirt back on. “Let’s go,” he invites me to follow him. I move slowly, trying not to bump into anything or anyone. I walk outside with shaking legs and a mind that flies, thinking of something unknown and impossible, that my heart silently dreams of, all the time afraid of being discovered and made fun of.

9

Liam We walk by the semi-deserted bay. Rain is silent, her nose in the air, enchanted by the sky that’s invaded by clouds that threaten to throw down one of our usual storms. I try to keep my eyes in front of me but I can’t help observing her. Quick little glances so I’m not obvious, so she doesn’t think I’m staring at her. I keep up a slow pace, even if that’s not how I usually walk, because I see she’s struggling a bit to keep up with me, and I don’t want her to be uncomfortable. She walks slowly and after a couple of hundred meters she seems winded; so I look around for a place to sit, and a little café catches my eye on the other side of the street. I know she likes it there, I’ve seen her there practically every day. “You want a coffee or something?” She stops suddenly and isn’t looking at the sky any more. She stares directly ahead of herself for just a few seconds. Then turns towards me and flashes me that smile, so childlike and real that I almost feel like dying of embarrassment because of just how inadequate I am right now in her company. She is a fragile creature but at the same time so strong. She’s so wonderful in her simplicity, so

spontaneous and sweet, while I’m a piece of shit, a man with such a weight on his shoulders that I don’t deserve to walk at her side. “There.” She points with her finger. So, we keep walking and stop at a stop light waiting for the green. We look at each other while we wait to cross and we go to Café Caira, the same place where we had already met. “It’s 8.30 p.m., I’d say we’ve got at least an hour-and-a-half before they throw us out,” I say, looking at my watch. “Is it okay if we sit outside?” “But it’s about to rain.” She shrugs her shoulders as if to say who cares, and sits down at the first available table, under a canopy. At least if it does rain we won’t get soaked. “What can I get you?” I ask before heading over to the counter to order. “Uhm—a Frappuccino with lots of whipped cream and a sprinkle of vanilla, please.” I order what she asked for and a black coffee with a little milk for me, and go back to the table. Her eyes glow when her drink arrives and I smile to myself, knowing it’s her favorite drink. I stir my coffee for longer than necessary while she dives into her straw and lets out a sound of appreciation that makes me laugh out loud. “What?” she asks, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

“Nothing.” I shake my head and drink a few sips of my coffee which is decidedly too hot. “Do I have something on my face?” she asks me, intent on cleaning some invisible marks there. I hold my breath because these simple gestures, free of any hidden significance, spark in me something I thought I could never feel again, and that I have denied myself for years and that I don’t think I truly deserve. And yet, here she is, her fingers touch her nose. She’s trying to hide her face, afraid of showing something embarrassing, while I should be the one hiding ten meters under the ground and not coming out again in the light of day. “I think it’s missing a bit of vanilla,” she says, getting up. “I’m going to go ask them to add some.” She gets up to go, but bumps into the table next to us and spills half her drink on the floor. I see her a few centimeters away from me, immobile, staring at the spilled coffee on the ground. I cannot allow her to feel like this. So I stand up violently so that my chair screeches and I purposely knock our table, so that my drink flies over. She starts shaking and turns her gaze to the mess I’ve made, which makes her forget for a second her little accident. “I’ve made a mess,” I say, grabbing some tablecloths and dry off the table. “I’m always a

disaster.” Rain comes back to me, stopping just one step away. “I’ll help you,” she says, putting her hand on mine. And in that moment I feel it again. I feel her presence, I feel her heat, I feel her sweetness that wraps around me, spreading honey over my injuries. While the music from inside plays: She would change everything/everything, just ask her/ Caught in the in-between. A beautiful disaster/ She just needs someone to take her home2 I hear it, I hear the rain as it starts falling. Small, light drops crashing down on us ignoring the canopy, relaxing us and purifying us, making us think we’re in another time and place where I haven’t killed anyone and she had a full happy life in front of her. She looks at me and smiles, and I can’t contain myself, I’m not able to and I don’t want to, because she deserves it and I want to give her everything in my power. And I smile at her too, holding back nothing, without turning the other way, without hiding, without guilt. For a few minutes we remain like that, looking and smiling at each other like two idiots. Moments that my anguish lets me breathe, and I feel like myself again. It’s all thanks to the rain, the drops of

rain that are falling.

Rain

“Thanks.” “For what?” he asks, pretending not to understand. “You know…” I lower my gaze, sighing. We walk along the port after our pit stop in which I once again demonstrated how pathetic I am. The rain has let up a bit, but I am confident it will start up again because I can smell it in the air all around us. Liam walks slowly, but he still has to practically stop every four or five steps to let me catch up. He must have understood by this point that there’s something not right about me. It’s useless for me to try and hide the situation and fool myself. It’s better to lay my cards on the table right away. “You know, I haven’t always been like this,” I start, taking a big breath and sitting on the first available bench along the pier, a few meters from the lighthouse. Liam doesn’t sit down, he stands in front of me with his hands in his pockets. “I used to be … Different.” “Different?” “I had an accident.” “You don’t have to tell me anything, it’s not necessary.”

He turns and walks towards the wall that borders the lighthouse, where he rests his elbows, losing himself in the darkness of the night countryside that swallows every hope I have. Here it is, the moment the umpteenth person understands that it’s not worth it. That I’m not worth it. I puff and stand up to join him. I go to his side and lean my back against the wall, so that I can look at his profile. He seems absent, miles away from this place. I understand I shouldn’t continue and gathering the little bit of pride that I have, I say: “I’d better go,” and I leave without looking back. I get to the end of the pier, cut through the park and I’m going to cross the street to get back to the pub with a disappointment that burns my face, my body. And this damned heart.

Before I’m able to cross, someone grabs my shoulder, forcing me to turn around abruptly. Afraid and paralyzed, I let myself be squeezed, tightly, so tightly that I feel some cracking of my bones in his arms, but I don’t care. I could break in two, falling to the ground like a sack of broken bones, and I wouldn’t care at all, because now I feel his heat, through his sweatshirt, through my jacket, through my skin, my bones and my organs. His heat arrives everywhere, it brushes against every part of me, even the most hidden part. It wraps me up in it, it relaxes me and reassures me. I rest my head on his shoulder and feel his heart beating like crazy just like mine. I can hardly believe it. “I’m sorry,” he says. He caresses my hair before taking my face in his hands and drawing it near to his. “I’m sorry, forgive me. I didn’t mean to.” And I understand for the first time that something’s not right here. Maybe I’m not the one who has problems, that maybe he’s the one who needs help. He needs someone. He needs me. He needs me. I don’t know what he has, I don’t know what his affliction is, but I feel it, his pain, his anguish. I can feel it around him: it’s in his head, and in his heart that is pushing and squeezing everything good that there is in the world.

I don’t know who you are, Liam O’Reilly, but I know that someone put you in my path and there has to be a reason for it, and I intend to find out what it is. Then I slowly slide my hands down to his and leave them there, waiting for him to acknowledge it. He opens his eyes that he had shut tight until that moment, and he looks at me. And I can’t see anything else. I can’t see that big three-door closet with blue eyes. I can’t see the street musician. I don’t see my occasional savior. I only see myself, reflected in his eyes. And it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life, I’m sure of that. Even if I don’t remember who I was and what I’ve done until now, I know, with certainty that if I had ever felt something like this in the past, I would not have forgotten it. Because the way I feel right now, it’s everything I’d like to feel from now on. I don’t know what to do with myself, with my life, I don’t know what to do with my future, but I do know what to do with you, Liam O’Reilly, you can be sure of that.

10

Liam “Please don’t go, I beg you.” Rain is pressed tightly against my body, while I hold her face in my hands, imploring her with my eyes and my words to not leave me, don’t leave me alone. And it’s not the first time I’ve done it. “Stay with me.” Those words come out of my mouth again, desperately, almost with the same desperation. When I think I have scared her enough with my gesture and she’s about to turn running, Rain places her hands on mine, lightly caresses my face resting them on my long beard. “Why?” she asks without hesitation. “Why do you want me to stay?” What should I tell her? I want you to stay because I’m selfish, because I need you to free me, that you’re alive, and that you’ll be happy, to relieve my sense of guilt so that I too may live? “That’s how it should be,” I tell her, even though I well know that’s not true. It’s all terribly wrong. “I’d like to know you better, Rain O’Donovan.” She wriggles out of my embrace and takes a few steps back.

“It’s not worth it, believe me.” Her words hit me like a punch in the chest. I can’t let her think this about herself. “Oh yeah, it is worth it,” I say, closing the distance between us, resting my forehead against hers. I can feel her breath on my face. “You shouldn’t say those things about yourself.” “You wouldn’t know. You don’t know me at all,” she says with an uncertain voice. “I—I’m not…” A tear falls unnoticed down her cheek and she doesn’t even try to hide it, because that’s how she is. She’s sincere, and wonderful and there’s no reason she should hide it. “I want to know all there is to know about you,” I tell her in a firm but sweet voice. I certainly don’t want to scare her. Then, I break the contact and take her hand. An instinctive gesture that makes us both shake a bit, as if it is the first step towards the precipice, before falling into the void. We both look down at our hands wound together and we feel it, perhaps at the same moment, that we are in too deep, that the fall is near, and that we’ve gone past any possibility of turning back. “Come.” And gently I persuade her to walk next to me, lightly squeezing her hand. She lifts her gaze from our hands and directs it towards me. Her eyes are vivid and enormous, still moist from the tears. I dry them with my free hand

and smile at her again. By now, I can’t do any less. She follows me without asking, without hesitation and I don’t know if I’ll really be able to do it, to fix things, if I can help her get her life back together somehow. But I know I cannot abandon her, not now, not again. It’s my responsibility to put things back in order to give her a chance, to give a chance to me. To us.

Rain

We’re sitting next to each other on the rocks on the right side of the pier, where the land falls directly into the sea that in this dark, bitter night has drawn back, as if he too was worried about opening this small box of memories that I have hidden under my bed, waiting to give a meaning back to my life. I take my shoes off and dig around in the icy sand thanks to the low tide. We sit in silence looking toward the horizon, waiting for the sea to return. He hasn’t let my hand go for a moment since we started walking and during the whole time we’ve been here. He’s giving me time to make sense of everything so that I feel ready to speak. I take a breath and begin. I tell him everything, at least what I remember: “I had an accident, about two years ago, a car accident, but I don’t remember it. They told me I was alone, that I was coming home from a party and that someone hit me. I hadn’t been drinking, I’d never do that if I knew I had to drive. They said it wasn’t my fault. The driver of the other car on the other hand, he was drunk and he died at the scene.” I stop for a few seconds because I’m becoming emotional. I normally never talk about what happened, and every time I’ve tried to I’ve come

out of it destroyed, but this time, I have to do it. I want him to know everything about me. “I was in a coma for three months and when I came to, I didn’t remember anything. Nothing about the accident, about my past, about myself. Slowly, some little things started coming back to me. I recognized Aaron, I’ve had a few flashes of my life as a child, when my parents were still alive, but I can’t focus on their faces. I remember the music and there are a few other little things that I’m not able to connect. They call it ‘transient amnesia’. There is hope that I might remember my life from before the accident, but after all this time, the doctors think it’s impossible that it would come back.” “I’m sorry,” he whispers, moving closer to my ear and brushing me with his shaggy beard. “I have linguistic difficulty, as you will have noticed, as well as motor problems. I can’t articulate phrases well, especially if they are long and complicated. It’s difficult for me to read and memorize information. Sometimes I forget names and dates. I have continual gaps I’m not able to fill. I have to write everything down in order to remember it. I have tremors in my arms and legs that come and go and I tire easily, which I’m sure you’ve also noticed. I get terrible migraines that knock me out for days and…” I’m not able to finish because all this is too much for me to bear.

Liam lets go of my hand and caresses my face, then he wraps me in his arms and makes me rest my head on his shoulder. “Everything’s fine, don’t worry.” “No, everything’s not fine. Nothing’s ever going to go well again. This is my life. I live with my brother and his friends who keep an eye on me constantly. I don’t have my own friends, except for Erin. I’m 25 years old and I haven’t…” I can’t say it. I’m too humiliated at my own thoughts. “What? What haven’t you had?” he asks, breaking away enough to look at me. “I don’t know if I’ve ever had—a boyfriend. I don’t remember, no one knows or they won’t tell me. I have no one and no one would be interested in someone like me,” I conclude, feeling stupid and inopportune and not completely sincere. He takes a big breath and pulls me tighter to him, giving me a light kiss on the head. “Only an asshole wouldn’t be interested in you, Rain O’Donovan,” he whispers. And I almost believe him.

11

Liam I take Rain back to Only4You after having held her in my arms. It was painful, heartbreaking and unbearable listening to her words, but she needed to vent her feelings, to have someone participate in what she was going through. I know Aaron will most probably beat me for this. He has asked me not to bring up the past, to not dig around in her life, but she needed to do it and I was there, ready to offer my shoulder for her to cry on and offer a bit of understanding. I should have done it a long time ago. At the doorway, she stops a moment. She turns towards me and smiles, throwing her arms around me, rising up on her tiptoes to do so. I remain immobile with my arms tense, held at my sides without knowing what to do, because this gesture is one I wasn’t expecting. But before deciding if I should hug her back, she lets go and goes into the pub, leaving me confused. “And what was that?” someone says. I turn quickly, fearing the worst. “Patrick?” I ask. “Fuck, so it was true, it’s really you,” Patrick replies. “Liam O’Reilly in person, in front of me.”

I go toward my old friend, asking him to lower his voice. “Oh please, you’re not so famous here. Who are you afraid is going to recognize you?” I shake my head and smile: It’s not the first time I’ve heard that since I’ve been back. “Let’s go, the others are inside. Aaron was going to go find you, but you beat him to it. And it’s a good thing! Imagine what would have happened if he saw you hugging his sister.” “She’s the one who hugged me,” I justify myself, following the little path that leads to the back entrance. “Yeah right, save it for someone else.” Patrick. Always the same. Hasn’t changed a bit. Same old jackass talking shit out the side of his mouth, with a face you’d like to punch and the confidence of someone who’s understood everything about you, but in reality has no idea what he’s doing in his own life. We go in the back door and he walks with me to the storeroom. “Look what I found,” he says blatantly. “Where were you?” Aaron asks right away? “I went out for a walk.” “Alone?” he asks without hesitating. I don’t answer, I let my guilt answer for me by letting him see the look on my face. “Okay, let’s get things clear. Don’t think that

because you’ve returned I’ll permit you to do whatever the hell you want, especially with my sister. You can get close to her, you can talk with her but remember what we said the other day. And keep your hands to yourself, got it?” I nod, cuz I don’t know what else to do. Jay gives me a pat on the shoulder and hands me a beer that’s already been opened. I accept it and take a few sips even if I shouldn’t. Alcohol is that last thing I need at this moment, but it helps me relax in this surreal situation. We’re all back together, and even if we’re missing the fundamental element, the thing that held us together for years, we’re still the same. We’re still those kids that had nothing but their music and their friendship. I’ve missed my friends to death. “I gave everything up,” I shout, deafening the room in the silence that follows. “What the fuck does that mean?” asks Patrick, Mr. Direct. “The recording studio, the new album I had coming out, my manager, the musicians. That damned career. I gave it all up.” “Why? What happened?” Aaron asks, sitting on a case of beer in the corner. “For her.” Jay says in my place. “You did it to come back for her, isn’t that right?” I sigh and decide not to lie to them. I have to

spill the beans without leaving anything out, because they deserve to know the truth. “No, it—that life wasn’t for me.” Patrick bursts out with an incontrollable laugh. “Oh sure, sell that shit to someone else. What was it that wasn’t for you? The success, the money?” “All of it.” Silence again. “I had everything, all that we had wanted for years. All that we thought would make our lives better, that would have helped us forget our pasts, that would have given us a better life, made up for our shitty childhood, everything we could never have. Music, success, money—but I didn’t have…” Jay gives me a nod encouraging me to go on. “…You,” I say after a long sigh. “I had everything, but I didn’t have everything I really needed. My friends, our music and…” I can’t say it. I just can’t. “Let me understand.” Aaron gets up from the case of beer where he was sitting and comes towards me with a threatening air. “You came back here because you wanted the whole package? After having blown over two years without even thinking about the disaster you left behind you? You left us here with our asses on the ground. You took everything that was owed to us, leaving us to make up excuses, to avoid the press, to hide as if we had committed some kind of crime—”

“Aaron,” Jay intervenes, but Aaron doesn’t let him speak. “—You can’t come back here like nothing happened, as if you hadn’t thrown all of our lives down the pisser in one bad fucking night.” “No, I can’t.” “And you can’t come back here and demand that we’ll accept you back with open arms, forgetting you are the one who turned your back on us—” “I know that.” “Well then, explain yourself, because I don’t understand what happened in London to make you come back here with your tail between your legs.” “I couldn’t do it, okay? I fell apart. The contract, the album, the songs that other people were supposed to write for me to make me continue— drugs. I just fell apart. I had everything, but I didn’t have anything worth living for. I—I tried to kill myself.” “What the fuck?” Jay asks. “It’s true, Jay. They found me in my hotel room on the floor with my face in my own vomit. I drank and I took stuff—I was in a mess, okay? It was the only way to go ahead, to get on that fucking stage, to get up in the morning. I was a junkie, do you understand? A year spent messing up my life to the point of no return before accepting that I had to live—with myself.

“That night I had gotten back from a concert where I sucked so bad I would have booed at myself, but the people didn’t notice. What matters to them is that there’s a little puppet up there doing his thing, moving around, making the girls scream —they don’t give a shit about my music, about me, about all the rest. I swallowed an entire bottle of pills, half a bottle of sleeping pills and I drank it all down until I fell on the floor, hoping to not wake up again. All I remember is that I woke up in the hospital after a stomach pump. They put me in a rehab program where I dried out for two months. When I was free from all of that shit, I finally understood. I understood that it was all wrong, that I should have said no that damned night, so we would all still be together and she…” I’m not able to continue. I’m embarrassed, I feel disgusting, I hate myself, for everything I have and haven’t done. “But you’re clean now though, right?” Jay asks me. “And you don’t think anymore about, err—” “—Killing myself?” I say the missing words Jay couldn’t utter. “Believe me, Jay. I’m already dead. I died August 29th two years ago. I died in that car with him.” “There’s always room for you here, friend. We’ve never stopped waiting for your return,” Jay says, patting me on the shoulder. “Speak for yourself,” Aaron says. “I don’t think

this is the right place for him.” “You’re right, Aaron. It isn’t anymore,” I tell him. “There is no room for me here.” “Don’t bullshit, Aaron,” Patrick interrupts. “We all know you’re acting like an asshole because of your sister, but it happened, all the mess I mean, and no one can go back in time. Now Liam is here in front of us, he has a problem, a big problem, and we can’t turn our backs on him.” “Even if he did the same to us?” “Aaron,” Jay intervenes with a conciliatory tone. “Liam didn’t turn his back on us. He turned his back on himself.” His words humiliate me so completely that I break down. I bring my hands to my eyes, trying to hide my tears but I can’t do it. They filter through my fingers and run down my cheeks, my neck and down my shirt. “Aaron!” Jay calls him out. “Okay, I get it!” Aaron comes close to me bending down on his knees. “We grew up together, we’re like brothers, even if you’re a fine son of a bitch—I won’t turn my back on a friend. Ever. Tell me what we can do for you and we’ll do it.” I slowly let my hands slide down my face and our eyes meet. “Oh no—anything, but not that. You can’t really ask that of me!” I continue to implore him with my eyes because

I don’t have the courage to confess what I feel, what I would like, what I need. Just one thing. “Not her.”

Rain

“Hey guys, what can I bring you?” It’s Thursday night and the pub is starting to fill up with people, so much so that even I have to take some orders. I hope I won’t screw anything up. “Three Guinness for now, Rain. We’re waiting for Liam,” Jay tells me and I miss falling on my feet by a hair. “L-Liam?” I ask Aaron with my eyes. “Well, yeah. He’ll be stopping here in Howth for a bit.” “Oh,” I add immediately, lowering my gaze. The three guys are quiet for a minute while exchanging glances until Liam makes his way in and heads over to the table. “Here I am, sorry I’m late, traffic was bloody— oh, excuse me,” he says, noticing me halfway through his phrase. “No problem.” I give him half a smile. “With these three bad boys I’m used to it. What shall I bring you?” “Whatever they ordered, but wait, I want to come get it at the counter.” “That’s not necessary, I can do it—” “Bullshit,” he interrupts me. “It’s full of people, you don’t want to waste time on us, do you?” Not knowing what else to say, I shrug my

shoulders and go to the counter, followed by him. I go behind the bar, planning on pouring four pints for the guys. He sits on a barstool on the other side and looks around seeming as if he’s agitated. “And so,” I start, hesitant, “you’re a musician too?” He nods distractedly, covering his face with his beret which he apparently never takes off. “In reality, I’m a singer.” “Uhm,” I respond. Today I’m monosyllable. “And what did you do before that? I’ve never seen you around—” He seems to be getting darker in the face. He clenches his fists and swallows hard. So I concentrate on the beer, without waiting for a reply, which comes anyway after a few minutes of silence. “I was in London for a while.” “Have you known my brother for very long?” “Yes—that is, no. We’re old friends, but we lost touch.” “I understand—here are your beers and thanks for offering to take them.” He nods, taking the tray and walks away, disappearing through the crowd. I concentrate on my work: it’s a full house and the customers don’t let up for a minute, coming to the bar asking me for drinks. It’s a bit tiring and every once in a while I need to take a break for two

minutes to catch my breath and collect my thoughts, but it’s okay, I don’t mind, it’s one of those rare occasions where I don’t feel completely useless. “Everything okay?” Liam says, approaching the counter again. “Yes, thanks.” “Could you prepare us four more pints of Guinness, please?” “Sure, Liam. Right away.” I turn my back to get the glasses and I can hear some girls chatting on the other side of the counter: “No, I don’t believe it. It can’t be him.” “But it is, I’m telling you. It’s him.” “I didn’t know he was Irish.” “Well he is. Somebody like that couldn’t very well be English, now could he? Did you see what a load that guy has? I’d jump him right now.” “You’re drunk, you’d probably fall face first on the floor, or on your ass.” “E-Excuse me,” I say, silencing them right away. “Who are you talking about?” I try to ask without stuttering. “That guy there, the one who just ordered four beers from you. Don’t tell me you didn’t recognize him?” I turn slightly to give him a quick once over, but he notices and so I blush like an idiot and go back to looking at the two half-drunk girls.

“Come on!” one of them says. “Where the hell do you live? It’s Liam O’Reilly, the singer—” A glass slides out of my hand, breaking on the floor and calling Liam’s attention back to me. He gets up and comes behind the counter. “Need a hand?” I shake my head and bend down to pick up the glass. “Hey, what’s happened here?” Aaron asks, appearing in front of me, looking red in the face. “Nothing, I just broke a glass, that’s all. Everything’s fine.” “Maybe you need a break,” he says before turning and setting his heavy glance on Liam. The two have a staring match for a few seconds, before Liam walks away saying nothing. I follow him with my eyes. I see him go back to his table, talk to the guys and then walk out the door without looking back. “Go on,” Aaron recalls my attention. “I’ll finish this,” he adds, sending me on my break. I leave the counter and head over to the table, where Jay and Patrick start squirming in their chairs the second they see me. “What happened? Why did he leave?” I ask them. “What? Who?” Patrick says as if he doesn’t know what I was talking about. “You know who—”

“—Oh! Liam. He remembered he had something to do.” “Patrick,” I say with a big sigh. “Who is he?” “He’s—he’s Liam, Rain. Liam’s an old friend.” “I mean, who is he really?” Patrick goes white and runs a hand over his shaved head. He doesn’t look at me, staring instead at his beer and running his finger over the lip of the glass. “He’s an old friend, Rain.” Jay stands up and puts an arm around my shoulders. “Nothing more, really,” he says calmly. “Then why did those two girls say he’s famous?” Jay’s arm tenses on my shoulders before slowly relaxing again. “Famous? Oh please,” Patrick intervenes. “He released a couple of songs with limited success, that’s all. Maybe those two fans are into his music and they recognized him, but I assure you, he’s nobody important.” I nod, moving backwards. I stop a moment in front of their table to reflect on what they said before heading toward the door and the open air. “Rain, stop, I beg you.” Jay joins me outside. “It’s that—I always get the impression that everyone’s trying to hide something from me, you know what I mean?” “I know.” “It’s so—”

“—Unfair. I know, it’s disgusting. I can’t even imagine how you must feel, but believe me, none of us is trying to hide anything from you.” “Really, Jay?” “Really.” He gets closer to me and and wraps his arms around me. Jay is wonderful, like a brother to me and I love him like I love Aaron. “Did I know him?” I ask, raising my head and looking him in the eyes. “No,” he responds dryly. “You didn’t know him, Rain. We used to hang out together a bit, but then he left and made a life for himself and has just come back now after a few years.” “Okay,” I respond, slipping disappointedly out of his embrace. I thought I could trust him. I thought he would never lie to me. Instead, now I feel like he’s hiding something. And I can’t understand why.

12

Liam “Where the fuck are you? Call me back right now. This thing—is getting out of hand, Liam. I can’t lie to her. Call me for Chrissake!” I listen to the message five times before deciding to call him back. “Where the hell are you?” He answers on the first ring. “Hey, Jay, calm down.” “No! I will not, for God’s sake! She asked me some things. I’m afraid she suspects something. She asked me if she knew you—where the fuck are you?” “I’m in the hotel.” “What hotel?” “I’m in Howth, Jay.” “Tell me the name.” “Maybe it’s better if you calm down first.” “Give me the fucking name!” So I tell him where I’m staying and not long afterwards there’s a crash as the door opens. “I will not let you do this,” Jay yells, bursting into the room and going directly to the bed. “Do you want something—” I ask him. “I don’t want anything. What I want is for you

to go back to where you came from.” “I can’t do it,” I say, sitting in the armchair in front of him. “Did you really come back for her? What is it you think you’re going to get? Huh? To take Neil’s place? Or to take advantage of her?” “God no, Jay! Is that what you think? That I came back to play around with her? She is—she’s all I’ve got left.” I can’t hold back my emotions any more. I need to say it out loud to someone in order to make it real, before this thing makes me completely lose my mind. “I was crazy about her, Jay. I always have been. Damned crazy about her.” Jay sighs and walks over to me, he puts a firm hand on my shoulder, forcing me to look at him. “It’s not necessary that you tell me how much you loved her, Liam. I’ve known you since we were ten years old.” “What—what the heck…” I mumble, confused. “Do you think I’m an idiot?” I shake my head several times, drawing my eyes downward. I wasn’t even able to hide how I felt or perhaps my feelings were too strong and too intense to be held in my heart. “Why didn’t you stay? Why did you abandon her? You should have waited, stayed by her side, helped her like we did, helped her to get back on

her feet—” “I couldn’t because she was about to marry him.” “What?” “Neil had asked her to marry him, but she hadn’t given him an answer. That night, the night of the accident, he asked her to make a decision—He didn’t want to go on tour and leave her in Dublin. He wanted to bring her with us. She didn’t want to leave her work, her life—she wanted to stay.” “And he thought it was a good idea to give her an ultimatum, or what?” Jay asked. “She didn’t want to accept, she didn’t feel it, not like that. She didn’t want to be a nuisance, someone you drag along with you, someone waiting in a hotel room—and then, you know the rest.” “At this point, I don’t know a fucking thing, Liam, so you’d better spill it.” “He was angry, furious—he kept yelling at her and telling her she couldn’t do something like this to him, while he was driving like a crazy man. And then she looked in the rearview mirror. She looked in that fucking mirror and caught sight of me. I implored her with my eyes not to do it. I asked her not to do it, do you understand? I asked her not to marry my brother! And Neil realized what was happening. One look was enough for him to understand everything and he lost his mind—and then, that damned car arrived.”

Jay sits in silence. He touches his face a few times before speaking. “And when she woke up—” “—She didn’t know who I was, she didn’t want me next to her—she couldn’t even stand to look at me. I couldn’t get close to her, to speak to her, to ask forgiveness. Maybe her mind chose its place, maybe it was the right thing for her, to be like this.” “You could have waited—” “No!” I shake my head and jump to my feet and turn my back on him. “I couldn’t do it. My heart was broken.” “It’s not your fault, you know.” “I destroyed two lives in one shot.” “But you’re both alive, Liam.” He stands and comes toward me. “You’re here.” “And what life have we got? Let’s take a look, shall we? I’ve fucked up everything, every tie I had, every goal reached. I’m an ex-fucking junkie who almost died by his own hand. I lost myself. I don’t exist any more.” “And yet, I see you.” “No—I’m not able to go on like this, I can’t even play music anymore. Nothing is left of me. Nothing. I died on that street, same asphalt, under the same rain falling on him. And I died with her.” “She’s also still here, Liam, just like you.” “No, she’s not here any more. She’s gone.” “She is here, just in a different way. It’s still her,

you have to dig deeper, go beyond the surface. She’s still here with us.” “I shouldn’t have come back, I shouldn’t have seen her, I should have—” “Okay, now that’s enough of that.” “I should have stayed away from her.” “The damage is done by now. She met you, she has spoken with you and I don’t think she’s indifferent to you.” I snap my head towards him. “Maybe her feelings are there,” he goes on, “hidden somewhere, waiting to be brought to light. Maybe she hasn’t forgotten everything.” “What—what are you trying to tell me?” “Rain has always been as clear and transparent as water, she’s no good at lying and completely incapable of hiding what she feels,” he says, pacing around the room, ruffling his hair. Then he pauses, takes a big breath and turns to me again, looking me straight in the eye, while my mind is spinning in confusion. “Now I ask myself if something has changed for you.” “What the hell kind of question is that?” “Did you really come back for her? What are you looking for, Liam? Comprehension? Forgiveness? Redemption—Love?” “She—was his, Jay. She always was.” I shake my head, accepting the inevitable.

“If you are so convinced of it, I ask myself why you’re still here?” “Because it’s the only place I can breathe.”

Rain

“Hello, dear, can I come in?” Jay sticks his face around the door to my room. I wasn’t able to get out of bed this morning. I haven’t left the house, haven’t gone to work and the worst of it is, Jay is the one who had to stay home with me. Not that he makes me feel like it’s a problem—none of them do. But I always have a sense of guilt all the same, because no one can get on with their life because of me. They never leave me alone. Damned migraine. “Come on in,” I mutter from under a pillow. “How’s it going?” “Bad,” I say in a whiny voice. I feel the bed move under his weight and I realize that he’s sitting next to me. “I’ve brought you some tea and two slices of toast. You should try to get something down. You haven’t eaten since yesterday.” “I don’t want it,” I complain like a baby. “I’m nauseated.” “I know,” he says, moving the pillow from over my head. “But it’s five o’clock, darling, and it’s going to get worse if you don’t manage to eat something. Believe me.” I nod, stretching my eyes while Jay helps me to

sit up, placing some pillows behind my back. “Thanks.” I smile. Jay is so affectionate and sensitive, he’s the best and I’m sure that the story they made up about drawing lots for who would stay home with me, is a pile of crap, because every time I feel awful, it’s always Jay who takes care of me. “Why do you do it, Jay?” I ask him. “We draw for it, you know.” “Don’t lie to me. You’re always the one who stays home with me.” “I’m very unlucky,” he jokes. “In love too, apparently.” He winces a second before shaking his head as if to shoo away those thoughts from his mind. “How come you don’t have anybody?” I ask, drinking some tea and grimacing. “Why have someone else when I can have you?” he answers, caressing my hair. “That’s the same old excuse I always get when I ask you guys about your love lives. It can’t be true for all of you, can it?” He bursts out laughing before lying down next to me. “Rain, you’re the most important thing for all of us, you know that, right?” He holds me in his arms and makes me cuddle up to him. “I know,” I say, with a heavy heart. “I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish there was no obligation to

take care of me.” “Don’t talk like that. We’re a family and in a family, we take care of each other.” “Wouldn’t you like to have another family someday, Jay?” “Ah no, those things aren’t for me.” “How can you say that if you’ve never tried?” “Believe me, Rain, it’s better like this.” “Have you ever been in love, Jay?” “This conversation is going in a direction that I don’t like.” He gets up and goes to the door. “I’ll let you rest.” “Jay?” I call him before he can leave. “And me? Tell me, Jay, have I ever been in love?” He stops with his hand on the door, before resting his forehead against it. He sighs heavily. “I’ve been in love. One time. It happened to me just once, a long time ago,” he confesses and I understand that it’s a ploy: in order to not reveal anything to me about myself, he preferred to say something about himself. And if he’s decided to do that there has to be something in my past life that people really don’t want me to be aware of, because Jay is the most reserved person I know and rather than open his heart, he would have it torn out of his chest and stamped on.

13

Liam “Hey, man.” “Hey, Liam. Still here, huh?” Patrick is right. I can’t stay away from this fucking place even for half a day. “Not much to do here.” “It’s a little piece of shit dot on the map, not exactly downtown London, what did you expect?” “No, it’s not.” And it’s better like this. “Why this choice?” I ask him. If I want to know something, all I have to do is ask Patrick; he goes straight to the point without mincing his words. No sugar coating. “Because there’s nothing here, mate. It’s a quiet place, people fish or have a little business. Sure, there are tourists, most of whom come from the East and we’ve never had problems with them.” “Problems?” I ask, while he passes me a pint, sliding it down the counter. “No one here knows about us. No one knows about her.” “I understand.” I drop my gaze to my glass. “It was hell, Liam.” He leans on the counter, closing the distance between us. “After that mess,

with the press on us. They were outside our house, outside the hotel. They wanted to know about the band, about what our intentions were; about you, why you had abandoned everything. We had to find a place like this, where no one remembered us, where no one would ask us questions that could have upset her. Where no one knew her or about her, what really happened, how she used to be. We had to remake our lives in order to give her some kind of future.” I am, truly, a piece of shit of a man. I didn’t do it. I didn’t stand by them, with her. I left. “Why did all of you stay?” “What the fuck should we have done? Throw her under the bus like you did? Try our hands at a solo career? For what? Nothing mattered anymore. This has become my family by now, with Jay and Aaron, they’ve always been like brothers, you know. Neither one of them would have ever given up on the other like you did.” He’s right. “And Neil wouldn’t have done it either,” he concludes, stabbing me in the chest with his finger. “You can’t be sure.” Even I don’t believe it. Even though he wanted to be successful, Neil was a sensible guy and was tied to all of them. He certainly would not have packed his bags. He would not have accepted the

first offer that came along. He never would have left her. “It’s like this, and you know it. Neil was different—” “—to me.” I concluded his sentence. It was true. Neil wasn’t like me. He had a heart and soul, and that’s why he wrote all of our music and lyrics. He loved. He loved her and he had inspiration to sell, while I loved the idea of success and all I wanted was to get out of here, away from our past and the difficulties we had shared all our lives in hopes of a better future. “It’s not too late to make it right, you know.” I force a smile. “It is for me.” “It isn’t, even for you.” “What makes you think so?” I ask once again, lowering my glance to drink the dark liquid in my glass. “You’re here now. You could have gone about your business without looking back and instead, look where you are. In this little shit town trying to right what you did wrong. You had it all in your hands, and yet, you came back. It should mean something.” I don’t reply because I’m not sure if he’s right. It’s true, I came back, hoping to do something good. To maybe cancel some of my mistakes and give a possibility—not to me obviously, but to her, to them, all of them.

“She’s at home, anyway.” “Hum?” “In case you were wondering, she’s at home. It’s not a good day today. Jay is with her.” “Jay?” “He’s always the one who stays with her on one of her bad days. Aaron can’t handle it, he can’t bear to see her like that, and me? Well, you know me, I’m just more useful here.” “Why are you telling me this?” He puffs, cleaning the counter and taking away my glass. “Because I want you to know what you’re up against.” ~~~ I didn’t make him repeat it a second time. I left the pub immediately before Aaron could see me, with my heart pounding in the agitation that oppresses and annihilates me every fucking day. In less than ten minutes I’m in front of the house. I know where it is. I’ve known since the first day. It seems like a quiet and reserved place. Coming here was the right decision for all of them and I can’t help thinking I should have done it too. I should have stayed. Given it all up right away and set up here, to put things in order, to take care of her like I was asked.

The gate is open so I go down the gravel pathway, bringing me right to the main door. I knock and wait a minute. I can hear footsteps falling before I see Jay’s face in the door’s window. “What are you doing here?” he asks with a soft worried voice as soon as he opens up. “I was at the pub and Patrick told me you were here, so I—” “Let’s knock it off with the bullshit, alright? Come in before I regret it.” He lets me in and I can’t help sweeping my eyes over the place. Seems okay. Everything is where it should be, it’s clean. Basic but welcoming. It’s very different surroundings from the places we grew up in, those small, disorganized houses with walls that were covered with mold. “You guys have a pretty nice set-up.” “We had a bit of money from the sales of our album and we made an investment,” he responds, preceding me into a big kitchen and heading towards the fridge. “Want something to drink?” I shake my head and raise my hand to signal I’m okay like this. I already had a beer at the pub and I have to stay clear of anything that could become addictive for me. “She is—” “—in the back garden. Come,” he says, inviting me to follow him. We pass a luminous dining room painted in

warm tones, with an enormous table with six chairs at the center and an ample glass door leading out to the back garden. We stop in front of the closed glass and Jay indicates with a finger: “There she is, asleep in the hammock. It hasn’t been a good day.” “What happened?” I ask, not able to untangle my eyes from her figure curled up on the hammock, with a cover carefully laid over her body. “Migraine—it comes and goes. It’s a side effect of the trauma. There are good days and—less good days. She’s been in bed all day and most of the afternoon, but I convinced her to get a little air, but it seems she was exhausted.” I clench my jaw and close my eyes to contain the rage that comes with my sense of guilt. Jay puts his hand on my back and I open my eyes and look at him. “Come on, I wanna show you something,” he tells me. I follow him up two flights of stairs without stopping to look at my surroundings, keeping my eyes on my feet. I go up the steps one at a time with a growing sense of anxiety knotting up my stomach and my guts. He opens the door at the top of the stairs and goes in first. I figure that this must be her room. He steps aside and invites me in and I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, to invade her personal space, her life like that—again. I take a few more steps, knowing that this is going to hurt

me, again, but maybe that’s just what I deserve. I lift my eyes and look around. Just a few minutes are enough for me to understand, to fall apart, to fall to my knees and start sobbing like a child whose pet cat has just died. “What have I done?” I cry through my tears. Hundreds of post-its in various colors completely cover the closet doors of her room. They may contain names, addresses, dates, notes. Me. I’m here too in her thoughts. Jay comes closer and helps me stand up, then looks me straight in the eye, grabbing my arm. “It wasn’t your fault.” I don’t believe him, I can’t believe him. It was me, it’s all my fault. Only my fault. I don’t deserve to exist, I don’t deserve to keep breathing. I don’t deserve to be next to her. And I let myself fall into Jay’s arms that hug and reassure me like no one else has before now. Certainly not my family, none of whom can even look me in the eye since Neil has died, destroyed as they are by the loss and consumed by rage directed at me, because I wasn’t able to save my little brother. Nor my friends who turned their backs on me when I needed it, only to show up leeching free passes for a concert or looking for a favor. Not the musicians, the managers or all the people that flocked like vultures around my head, ready to

break me in a million pieces if I wasn’t who they wanted me to be. No one. No one took care of me, no one ever told me everything was going to be alright one way or another. No one ever gave me some words of comfort, comprehension or help. No one was there for me. No one ever told me it wasn’t my fault. In that moment Jay’s words interrupt my thoughts, hitting me right in the chest and taking my breath away. “Are you sure you can do it, Liam?”

Rain

“I fell asleep. Thanks for covering me up, Jay,” I say as I go back inside, but I freeze in the doorway, surprised. What’s he doing here? “Hey, baby.” Jay comes at me. He gives me a kiss on the forehead, then hugs me and rubs my back to warm me up. Liam goes rigid, clenching his fists on the table. I can see him but only over Jay’s shoulder. What the devil is happening here? “H-hi, Liam.” He stands up, maintaining a tense, rigid posture. “Hi, Rain. Jay told me you weren’t feeling well. How do you feel now?” “Confused and hungry.” I wriggle out of Jay’s embrace and slouch off to the door to the dining room, smelling a pleasant odor coming from within. “Good, because I’m cooking.” Jay goes towards the kitchen. “Will you set the table?” “Are you staying?” I ask Liam, feeling myself blushing. Having him here makes me feel embarrassed but also calm. As if he were one of us. “Sure. If it’s alright with you,” he says and I nod immediately. “Why not? And luckily, Jay cooks, because if I

did it—” “—She would send us to the hospital,” Jay calls out, smiling and making his entrance with a big pan in hand. “Chicken breasts and potatoes in Guinness. That’s all I know how to make.” “Thanks, Jay,” I say, touching his arm and squeezing it just a bit in recognition. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Liam is still upset. As soon as I come near Jay he seems to go rigid. “I’ll get the silverware and the napkins,” I say, heading towards the kitchen. “Could you please get the glasses in the hutch, Liam?” “Certainly.” He moves slowly in search of what I’ve just asked him. I go to the kitchen to get what we need and Jay is right behind me. “Everything okay?” he whispers in my ear. “S-sure, why do you ask?” “Is it okay that he’s here or does it make you uncomfortable?” “I’ve been living with you three forever. You think a little testosterone is going to be hard on me?” I smile back, even if I’m not sure of my answer. His presence does agitate me but at the same time it’s calming; it’s hard to explain, but I imagine for a mixed-up mind like mine, it’s normal.

I go back to the dining room with the needed supplies followed by Jay, who sets two beers and a coke down on the table. “Alright, let’s eat.” He sits down. We eat in silence, immersed in the peace and tranquility of this place. This house is surrounded by green, and it’s a few hundred meters from the city center and directly faces the sea. I like living here, I don’t remember what my life was like before this, in the city chaos, but I know this is what I have now. I love living in this house with the boys and I can’t help but ask myself when it all will end, because sooner or later it must. Everyone will go their own ways, maybe far from here, but it won’t be like that for me. I get sad thinking about it and start playing with my food on the plate, having lost my appetite. I feel my eyes burning and my bottom lip start to tremble. I bite it involuntarily, as if I could stop the emotion that come from my chest and rob me of my breath, but I know I won’t be able to hold it all in. I am cursedly emotional. This is also a result of my accident. I am unable to control my emotions regardless of what they are: euphoria, happiness, joy or sadness and depression. Everything comes out, without breaks. There’s nothing I can do to avoid it. I am always vulnerable, and I hate the fact that I can’t hide my real state of mind. A tear falls directly on my food and I hope no

one has noticed; but then my shoulders start to shake and I’m hiccupping. So I let my fork fall onto the plate and I hide my face in my hands as if it were enough to hide me and shield me from everything. I hear a chair scrape on the floor, someone has gotten up and is coming towards me, going down on his knee beside me. So I throw myself in his arms and he holds me. “Shh—it’s okay, it’s nothing, darling. Was my chicken that bad?” I break out laughing and set my head more securely on his shoulder, because I already feel like I’m calming down. Some times it’s just a moment’s loss of control, other times it could last an hour. And it can last for entire days at a time. I open my eyes and see Liam, immobile at the other end of the table. He’s looking at me with a timid smile. In his expression I see neither compassion or pity, nor confusion, nor fear. In his transparent eyes that are almost like ice, I see tenderness, sweetness and comprehension. And something else I’m not able to define. I’ve become pretty good at understanding people’s emotions and feeling empathy for others. Maybe because I’m so sensitive to these things. But in him, now, I can see something indefinite, something that calls me and asks me to stay. I reach out my hand spontaneously, keeping it

raised in his direction, asking him with my eyes to do it, to come here and hug me, not because I need it, or better, I would like to—What the heck, who wouldn’t? But I feel like it’s what he needs in this moment.

He needs to be part of something.

He needs to be a part of me. He stares at my hand for a few seconds with open lips. Then he takes a deep breath, moves the chair out of the way and walks towards me. He brushes my hand and I forget I’m here in this room, in this house; that Jay is the one holding me, and that I just had an emotional crisis. That I am wrong, that I am me. I forget everything in the way he moves and gets down on one knee next to us, and wraps his arms around both of us tightly. Jay goes rigid for a second and lets up the pressure on me, but doesn’t turn to look at him. He closes his eyes and lets himself be hugged, letting out his breath and relaxing under his weight. ~~~ We’re all in the garden with a cup of tea. I’m laying on the hammock with my head on Jay’s legs as he swings us. Liam is sitting on the bench in front of us, with his eyes on this strangely quiet, limpid nightscape. The full moon lights up the garden, giving his face a warm glow that give his hard and impenetrable features softer, sweeter lines. No one made mention of what happened, as if it was all normal. Well, Jay is used to my mood swings and my emotional crises. He never makes

me feel bad about it. But Liam, he doesn’t know me well enough, he doesn’t know a lot about me. He doesn’t know my back story and my condition. And yet his unexpected tenderness surprised me and warmed my heart. After having hugged for a few minutes, we gathered ourselves, we got up and put away the leftovers and cleared the table in a most reassuring manner. Then we had our tea, which is the best cure for everything. “So, what plans have you got, my friend?” Jay breaks the silence, speaking to Liam. “I don’t know, I still haven’t made a decision about it.” “You can’t live out your life in a hotel room, I’m sure.” “No, I don’t think so.” “You know, we’ve got a free apartment over the pub. It’s a mess right now, but we could get it together.” Liam raises his eyes, resting them first on Jay and then on me as if he were waiting for our approval. “And there’s always so much to do at the pub. Might be useful to have an extra hand around, if you remember how it’s done.” I smile and raise my eyebrows hopefully. I ask him with my eyes to stop and stay, to allow me to get closer to him, to get to know him, to try out

these emotions, even if I know they’re wrong, but they’re powerful feelings which I’m not ready to give up. I’d just like to dream a bit. “For the moment I think I’ll remain in the area,” he says, looking somewhere else and drinking his tea. Jay smiles, hiding his face behind his cup. “I’m glad to hear it.” What the heck, I’m happy too.

14

Liam “What the fuck is your head telling you, Jay? He can’t stay here.” Aaron is furious. Jay has just let him know about his offer to let me stay here. “Calm down, Aaron. We’ve got an unused apartment and we always need a hand at the pub. And I think it’s better to keep an eye on him from close up.” “Putting him under the same roof as my sister?” “They won’t be under the same roof—” “What are you trying to do, Jay?” “I’m offering a hand to my friend. You should too.” “Not when she’s in the middle of this situation. I do not want her to suffer.” “Okay, guys,” I intervene. “I can find an apartment somewhere else. I can’t stay forever at the hotel, but I can find some other place that doesn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable. There’s no need to get hot under the collar about this for me.” “We’re always fighting over you, Liam,” Aaron tells me. “You’re always the one who gets into trouble, always have been since you were a kid.”

I nod because it’s true. I always have been the black sheep in the group. “I’m trying to do the right thing.” “And what would that be? Trying it on with her? Trying to take his place?” A low blow from Aaron, but I deserve it. I deserve it all. “It’s not like that, you know.” “How is it, then?” “I’m not here for that, Aaron. She loved him, you know it, we all do. I’m nobody, I never have been, and she doesn’t remember anything, so there’s no danger. I just want to be her friend.” I tell them, revealing more of my feelings than I’d intended. “She’s got friends, she has us, she doesn’t need you.” “Aaron,” Jay breaks in. “Try to calm down. We’ll keep the situation under control. Rain enjoys his company, nothing bad will happen—” “That’s fucking bullshit, Jay! Haven’t you seen how she looks at him? She’s already created a whole fantasy and you know she can’t go through with it.” “What the fuck does that mean?” I burn with anger. “She has the right to do what she wants.” “And you, what the fuck would you know about it, Liam?” Aaron rages. “You weren’t there, you don’t know her, you haven’t a clue of what she’s

been through, what we’ve been through—” “Ah, so that’s it!” I yell, rage pounding in my temples. “The problem is her, not you.” “What! How dare you! You’re just a piece of s —” “Okay, okay. That’s enough both of you!” Jay pushes himself between us before anything more serious can happen. He knows me and knows that I was about to go for Aaron’s throat. “Maybe it’s better that you tell him everything, Liam,” Jay advises. “I’ve already told you everything.” “No, you haven’t.” Panic assails me in the moment when I feel Aaron’s eyes looking me over, from head to toe. “What is it you need to tell us?” he asks, looking first at Jay and then at me. “What is it that we still don’t know?” He sighs, exasperated. “Nothing. You already know everything about the accident.” “I’m not talking about that, Liam,” Jay goes on. “Tell him about you, about her. About both of you.” “There is no us, Jay! There never has been, for Chrissake!” I yell, punching the wall so hard that I can almost feel my bones crack. I don’t care, not about the physical pain, nor my stupid fucking hand or all the rest of it.

“And this is why you’ve returned?” Aaron inches closer, talking more calmly this time. “You and her—” “No!” I stop him short, not wanting him to draw any conclusions. “No. I swear to you, Aaron,” I lie, looking him in the eye, but feeling my knees giving out below me. I let myself slide down the wall until I feel the floor beneath my ass. I pull me knees up and rest my forehead on them, closing my eyes and breathing heavily, trying to calm this anger that will not leave me in peace. Aaron creeps closer and bends down to me. He rests a hand on my shoulder and speaks to me, almost supplicating: “I beg you, Liam. Tell me the truth, now. I have to know. I have the right.” I slowly lift my head and meet his glance, once again feeling unworthy of being here. “Fuckin’ hell!” He yells before getting up and kicking the door. There’s no need for me to put anything in words. My heart is dark, wrapped in a toxic cloud of errors, mixed up emotions and bad decisions, which make themselves seen when they should not, manifesting the tumult of feelings that I have carried around for years, but have to come out right now, in this moment, like a storm that spares no one and that sucks in everything and every person

within a hundred-mile radius.

Rain

“I’ve brought you something to eat,” I say to him. Liam is moving into his new place in the apartment over the pub. From what I understand, Aaron put up a bit of a stink about it, but in the end Jay convinced him. I don’t see what’s wrong with the idea, it was an unused space and they are all friends, so what harm could there be? I knew he was up there setting up his things so I took the opportunity to pass by the market and get something to eat. To tell the truth, I deliberately bought food for two, hoping he wanted company. “Does Aaron know you’re here?” he asks me without even turning around. “Aaron doesn’t always have to know about my every movement,” I reply, offended. He turns just slightly to nod in my direction. “Thanks, but it wasn’t necessary,” he says, and I understand I’ve been inopportune and that he has no desire to spend any time with me. I set the bag on the kitchen counter and turn around, saying nothing, hurrying down the stairs, holding back the tears, at least until I make it to the street. “Rain, wait!” Liam calls me from the stairwell. I don’t want him to see me in this condition, so I don’t answer him; I slip through the door and walk

away as quickly as possible. Arriving outside, I breathe deeply to block the emotions and the disappointment that invade my body, but I’m not able to get it together in time before I feel a tap on my shoulder. “I’m sorry.” I nod, my back to him. “I didn’t want to be so rude. You were so kind to me—it’s just been a really bad day for me, that’s all.” “I understand,” I say with a voice broken by tears. “No problem, ex-excuse me.” God, I’m so nervous I can’t put two words together. “Please, don’t go,” he adds, coming so close that I can feel his breath on my neck. Then his hand slides delicately next to mine and our fingers touch, making me sigh. “I’m sorry,” he says again. He says it a lot. “You shouldn’t. Be sorry, that is.” “I can’t help it, I can’t get anything right with you.” I turn slowly, drying my tears with my jacket sleeve. “There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. I’m the problem. You don’t have to behave differently on my account.” “Is that what you think? That I’m doing it for you? Oh no, Rain, I’m an asshole all on my own,

believe me.” I can’t help laughing at his words and in a second, he’s brought my mood back up to the stars. “So, this lunch…” he says, indicating the bag he brought with him. “It’s nothing. Just two sandwiches and two pieces of carrot cake.” “Would you like to have lunch with me?” I couldn’t ask for more. We head towards the bay without needing to talk about it. We go down the path that runs along the coast and leads to the beach below, offering a view of low tide. We sit on some rocks that jut out of the sand. We get lost looking at the horizon that is strangely clear today. There are no clouds looming and not one drop of rain. “It’s nice here,” he tells me. “Calm, peaceful. So different from London.” “Didn’t you like staying there?” I ask, continuing to look ahead. “It wasn’t for me. The big cities, the chaos, too many people—no, I definitely prefer places like this.” “Like Howth? You prefer this town of fishermen to fame and success?” I say without realizing and turn my head to gauge his reaction. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” He looks at the horizon in heavy silence, brooding at the words we have not exchanged.

“How do you know?” he asks without having the courage to look at me. “The other night in the pub, some girls recognized you. You were—you are—famous? Yes?” He lets out a cynical laugh before responding. “Famous—not really. I cut a few songs, did a few concerts, that’s all.” “And why did you stop?” I ask uncertainly. I’m afraid I may have gone too far. “It wasn’t for me and then—I left something behind.” And as he says it, his gaze falls right on me making me blush terribly. “A-a g-girl?” I look away immediately while wishing the sand would swallow me up. The truth is I don’t want to hear his answer. Liam remains silent for a few minutes and in that time I think my heart might really stop and need some air. Then he gets up and squats down in front of me, forcing me to look at him. He takes my chin in his fingers and looks me right in the eyes; they call to me and unsettle me like the sea in a storm that leaves no escape. “Whatever it was is not important now,” he says simply and then does something I would not have expected. What happens is, his forehead rests against mine. What happens is, he smiles at me before closing

in on my lips. What happens is, I feel the heat of his breath on my mouth. What happens is, his lips press against mine, delicate, sweet and wet. What happens is, my heart flies out of my chest and lands right between his hands. What happens is that I understand I am in love and in the same moment I realize that I have definitely been in love before.

15

Liam She asks me why I came back, if it was for a girl. How am I supposed to tell her the truth? How can I confide in Rain that the only reason that brought me back was her? How can I tell her she’s my whole life? So I get up, I go down on my knees right at her feet and I take her face in my hands. I want to breathe her in, to feel life rushing in my veins again. I need to realize that this is reality, that this is her. I go in close to her lips and she doesn’t move away. She lets me put my mouth on hers, she lets this sea of remorse, this pain and desire, flow into her. She greets me and invites me to stay and only God knows how much I’d like to, how much I’d like to cancel the past and go back to that night. How much I would like to not have asked her to do it. How much I would like to not have asked her to choose. I pull away as soon as the image of her, teary eyed looking at me in the rearview mirror, pops into my head, annihilating me. She opens her eyes and bites her lip. Panic and confusion: it’s the same, just like that night.

I’m doing it again. I’m putting her future up for discussion. And I’m doing it for myself. “I shouldn’t have done that,” I say in a small voice. “Why is that?” she asks innocently. “Because it’s wrong. It was a mistake.” “I’m a mistake?” And I understand things are going badly. “No, Rain.” I stand up right away. “Never think that about yourself.” “It’s a mistake because I’m defective. I’m something no one can fix.” “No, God, Rain, no!” I caress her face, while my thumbs dry her tears. I rest my forehead on hers, trying so hard to resist the urge to kiss her again and again and to live only by her mouth. “Never say things like that again, understand?” “But it’s true. It’s always going to be like this.” “What?” I ask her, looking her in the eyes. “I’m the problem, Liam, I get it. Even I wouldn’t want to be with me, let alone a guy—a guy like you.” “You think I don’t want you, Rain? How could you even think it! I would give anything to have a girl like you—to have you in my life.” “No, that’s not true. I c-can’t—I can’t give you anything. I couldn’t give anything to anyone…”

She hiccups and at first I don’t understand. “I hhaven’t told you everything about the accident,” she continues, stuttering, and I don’t want to hear anymore. I don’t have the strength, I can’t stand to hear her say it. “I—I can’t e-ever have a f-family. Ever. I’m not a complete person, do you understand? A woman who can love and give—Liam, I have nothing to give…” Now I understand Aaron’s warning regarding Rain’s future. I’d like death to come and take me right now. That the earth would break in two and swallow me whole, erasing my name forever along with my useless existence in this world, because I cannot stand the fact that I have caused all of this. I cannot have taken everything away from her. What have I done to this woman? I shut my eyes tightly to contain my rage and bitterness, taking deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I can’t stand seeing her eyes overflow with tears, her pain, her pity. I can’t listen to her version of the truth, I’m not able to carry this weight too. Her biggest dream was to have a family, children running around the house; laughing and games which you stumble into every night before making your way to bed. And now she can’t have any of it. And all because of me.

I feel like I’m making an unforgivable error. I’m causing her to suffer more than she already has. Again, dammit. Once again because of me. What the hell is my problem? I stand up and walk away, pacing back and forth nervously, rubbing my temples with my fingers. I have to do it now. Before it’s too late. I have to let her go. “I had everything, you know? It’s not true that I wasn’t so famous. I was, and how. Money, success, exclusive parties, women—but it wasn’t enough for me. None of it was enough for me. I wasn’t able to breathe!” I yell with my back to her. “A-and you came here—” “Right. I came here to get away from all of that and find a bit of peace to get my life back together. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Rain. I’ve made so many mistakes that I can’t even count them all,” I continue, turning toward her but remaining far enough away to be safe. “And now, you’re making another mistake, isn’t that right? You’ve let yourself get caught up in this girl without a wheel, right? A girl who isn’t worth it, who can’t speak right and will never be able to give anything to a man. The wrong girl for someone like you.” “I, Rain, am the wrong one for you. I’m not the one you want, believe me. I’m nothing.”

Rain

I observe the closet doors covered in post-it notes divided by color. My attention falls on the hot pink ones in which I took down all my notes on him. I start taking them off one by one and crumple them up before letting them fall to the floor. No I won’t step back/But I’ll look down to hide from your eyes/’Cause what I feel is so sweet/And I’m scared that even my own breath/Oh, could burst it, if it were a bubble/And I’d better dream if I have to struggle/So I put my arms around you, around you/And I hope that I will do no wrong/My eyes are on you, they’re on you/And I hope that you won’t hurt me.3 The words coming from my iPod cancel my thoughts and infiltrate my emotions, that are holding everything back to avoid this precarious and fake equilibrium where my hurt soul is hiding and doesn’t know how to walk on its own for now after having met and fused with his. I let my heart fall to the ground together with this stupid sentiment which can’t and could never be reciprocated, because I am what I am. A half a person with no future and no past. That stops and stutters her words and thoughts, overlapping one another with the clouds of the mind; who can’t remember how to love a man and who could never

make anyone happy. I sit down on the bed and let out a deep sigh that acts as a barrier from the tears that must not fall, because I’ve already spilled too many, because I don’t want to spill any more, because they can’t help heal my heart and my mind. All of the tears in this world couldn’t bring me back, couldn’t help me to remember who I was or who I should be. They couldn’t win over a heart. Stupid. That’s what I am. Many have told me and maybe they were right. I am an empty person, useless with nothing to give, nothing to offer a man, a man like him that could have anyone, someone who will be successful, have fame, money and women. Many women. What the heck could he ever want with me? Someone who doesn’t know how to talk in public, that couldn’t accompany him to his events, that could never be by his side for every occasion. Someone who works in a family pub and lives with her brother and his friends who look after her every day. Someone who could never give him a family. What would he do with someone like me? I’m not a woman to love. I’m nothing. I lie on the bed and cover my eyes, hoping to placate this flood of tears that must be spilled, to break the gates open, to take with it every last

crumb of what I’ve got left. But my hands aren’t enough. Nothing could be enough. And the night arrives in full, unstoppable and destructive. It activates and brings everything away with it. It increases all of my emotions. It takes away my hope, takes away my dreams. It takes away love. I fall into the fetal position and hold my pillow tightly, pressing my face into it as I hiccup so that I won’t be heard, but it’s no use. After a few minutes, Aaron is in my room, sitting on my bed, caressing my hair, a gesture that only amplifies my desperation, making it worse and removing every brake. I raise up just enough to rest my head on his legs, while he rubs my back slowly and consolingly. And I let myself be consoled by him, who renounced his life because of me. “Shh—calm down, Rain. Everything’s going to be alright, you’ll see.” He whispers and I cry even harder. “I’ll fix it all, I promise you.” “Not everything can be fixed, Aaron,” I reply through my tears. “You can’t fix me.” I hear him. His sigh of frustration, his hard swallow trying to send down whatever it is that’s stuck in his throat. I can feel the anger in his touch and his sense of impotence—feelings that I know

well, I’ve seen them in his eyes for months. Not everything can be fixed. Things get broken and tape isn’t enough to stick it back together, nor is superglue able to put all the pieces back as they were. Sometimes the pieces are so small, little crumbs strewn on the floor that you can’t pick up without a broom and a dustpan and once you have, there’s nothing left to do but throw them out, because they’re not good for anything. And that’s how I feel. I’m not in pieces. I’m not in crumbs. I’m powder, that you could only blow away.

16

Liam “What the hell happened?” Aaron crosses the hotel room in a rush without giving me time to speak. I came back here for three days without letting myself be seen or heard, and it’s cost me quite a bit. Not being able to see her, even if it’s only through the window of the pub, has been devastating. “And what’s that? Have you taken to alcohol or is there more?” he accuses, indicating the bottle of Jameson that is now empty on the table. His insinuations don’t hurt me. I deserve them. “Do you want to tell me what the fuck you did to her?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Liam, don’t piss me off.” “Nothing happened.” “Then why has she been in her room crying for three days? And why haven’t you shown your face at the pub? Don’t tell me a bunch of bullshit, okay? Don’t make me regret I opened the door to you.” “She’s—” “—She’s a fucking basket case! And it’s your fault!” I fall back into the bed crossing my arms over

my face. I shouldn’t have gotten this close, I shouldn’t hope and feed something that can never be. “I’m sorry.” Again. No one believes it anymore. Not even me. I knew full well what I was doing and I knew it was wrong, and yet I did it just the same without considering the consequences. “I have no need for your excuses. You knew what the situation was. She’s not like you, she’s not like us, Liam. You can’t go in and out of her life as it damn well pleases you. She suffers. She’s so sensitive, Christ—I asked you not to do it, Liam. I asked you one fucking thing!” The pain in my head is hammering incessantly thanks to my thoughts, the sleep I didn’t get and the bottle I emptied. “Are you high?” Aaron suddenly asks. “No,” I answer dryly. I’m not high, even though I would like to be right now. “You wanna tell me what happened? I think I have the right to know,” Aaron demands. “You think so, huh? Well I don’t. It’s her life, not yours.” “Well, in this case our lives are very intertwined.”

“You should let her live, Aaron,” I say, sitting on the edge of the bed with my elbows on my knees. “She deserves it.” “And what would you know about it, Liam? I’m the one who takes care of her with the guys. If it wasn’t for me, what would have happened to her? They would have put her in some home for people with mental problems where she would have rotted to death every day.” “Maybe she would have made a comeback.” “What does that mean?” Aaron asks. “That it’s my fault if she doesn’t remember? If everything in her life has gone to hell?” “I’m just saying maybe it’s convenient for you that she doesn’t remember. It’s convenient having her under your watch, being able to check on everything she does.” “You’re joking, right? What makes you think so, huh? Do you think she’s happy how she lives, the fact that she can never have a man, a family, a job that would gratify her?” “What the hell do you know?” I yell, jumping off the bed and facing him. “She could have everything she wants, if you’d let her breathe a little. She just needs to find her way, but it has to be her way, her choice for herself and not your choice for her.” Aaron breaks out into a forced laugh. “How do you let yourself come here after two

years and speak to me about her? To tell me what I should and shouldn’t do? You don’t know shit. You weren’t here!” He’s right about that, I wasn’t here. But now I am and I want to make things better. “I’m here now.” “And what is it that you’d like to do? Take care of her yourself?” he yells in my face with tense arms held at his sides, hands bunched into fists. “I have to, I owe it to him, I promised him!” “What the hell are you talking about? Promised what? To who?” “I promised Neil!” And the words come out on their own. Maybe it’s the effect of the alcohol or maybe I’m tired of keeping it all in, maybe the moment has come for me to take up my responsibility as I was asked to do. So, I tell him the truth. I tell him about the impact, the disorientation, the rain that was falling in buckets, the smell of the blood. I tell him about Neil, and how in the last seconds of his life he became aware that there was nothing left to do and that it was too late for him. I tell him about his courage, and his last request. I tell him that I chose to save her first, on his request but also from instinct. I tell him how Neil whispered in my ear, with his last breaths to take care of her.

I tell him that my brother at death’s doorstep had understood everything, before Rain and I had understood it. He knew about my feelings for her and about hers for me, too. I tell him that Neil, my sensitive, sweet Neil, asked me to pull her from the car, to look for help and to stay with her as long as necessary. To protect her and to never leave her alone, as he had done, for the rest of my life. I tell him how my brother had asked me to love her more than anything else in the world and to not let her go. I tell him how, crazy in love and simultaneously tortured by Neil’s suffering, I managed to pull Rain out of the car while I had a dislocated shoulder, three broken ribs and a collapsed lung. About how I set her on the asphalt under the rain, how I held her in my arms and asked her not to leave me. How I confessed to her, for the first time after almost ten years, that she was the only woman I had ever loved and that I always would love her. I tell Aaron, who is in tears in front of me, that his sister has been my only reason for living for more than ten years. That I’ve loved her in silence, never letting on, never giving a gesture, never a word. I tell Aaron that she is the only woman for me and that she has always been, like she is now. Nothing has changed. Nothing could ever change

what I feel for her. For me she is and will always be my Rain, the woman I would do anything for. Even letting my brother die.

Rain

“Will you pour me some more Guinness, Rain?” Jay asks. “Sure, Jay, coming right up. It’s a full house tonight.” “Yep. A big mess.” “We really could use a hand—where is Aaron? How come he hasn’t shown up?” Jay seems to avoid the question, as if he doesn’t know how to answer. “He’s out. Had something to do.” “Strange. He didn’t say anything to me.” “He should be here soon,” he says nervously, looking at the clock on the wall. The night continues at the same pace. The pub is overflowing and I don’t mind, even if I’m starting to get a bit tired. Working keeps the mind occupied, keeps my mind off of him. I haven’t seen him around in a week, since the day he kissed me, only to tell me afterwards that it was all a big mistake. He gave me no explanations, he left just like he came. “Hey guys, sorry I’m late,” Aaron tells us, coming in at about 9.00 p.m., rolling back his shirtsleeves and jumping behind the counter to give me a hand. “Everything okay?” I ask him, tilting my head to

look him in the eyes. “Of course it is. I brought two extra hands which could be helpful to us.” With that I lift my head and there he is, in front of me, on the other side of the counter. “Hi,” he says, giving me a sad smile. “H-hi,” I reply, and go back to preparing the orders, trying to escape the tears that I can already feel building in my throat. “Can I speak to you?” he says, all the while looking at Aaron. “We’re full, I can’t leave the counter.” “Just five minutes,” Aaron says. “You need a break and I’m here now, don’t worry.” I nod and reluctantly leave my place. “Come.” He invites me to follow him in back, but he doesn’t stop in the storeroom. He takes the keys from his jeans and opens the door leading to his apartment upstairs. He opens it and asks me to go up with him. I nod in agreement and precede him up the stairs, until we reach the second door leading directly to the apartment that’s been left unlocked. I open it and find myself inside a furnished apartment with a couch, a table, a TV and a few boxes pushed up against the walls. “I’ve moved,” he announces, trying to guess how I feel about it. “When?” I ask, continuing to not look at him. “In these last few days. Aaron gave me a hand,

but this will be my first official night here. What do you think?” he asks, lifting an arm, indicating the living room. “Why did you bring me here, Liam? I thought we didn’t have anything else to say to each other and you disappeared.” “I know.” He lowers his gaze. “I’m sorry.” “Well, I’m sure you are. You keep telling me so,” I say, finally looking at his face and seeing that there’s a shadow of pain there. “You’re right,” he says quietly. “It’s just I have many things to be sorry about.” The silence that falls on us like a giant boulder is too heavy to bear. My heart constricts in my chest to remind me that I cannot behave this way. I am not a person who hurts other people. “So, you’ve decided to stay then?” I ask, but in trying to sound less harsh, I find that my voice trembles. “For now. I’ll help out at the pub, if that’s alright with you.” I shake my shoulders as if to say It’s all the same to me, even if it’s not true. If I didn’t see him again it would hurt me, of course, for two weeks, a month, maybe more, but the dark night would pass, right? Everything passes. But having him here, every day, working in close contact, knowing that nothing can ever come of it would be devastating and I don’t know if I can permit that.

“Rain,” he says, getting closer and taking my hand. “The other day—I didn’t mean to.” “You didn’t want to kiss me,” I add, gagging on my tears that are about betray me. I take my hand away from his. “I didn’t want to leave,” he says in my ear, a whisper that warms my heart. “I was wrong to do it, I didn’t want to hurt you. I know you hear me say it too frequently, but I am truly sorry.” He rests his temple against mine and grabs my hand tightly. And so I move just a bit to look him in his eyes, where I see so many contrasting emotions: guilt, suffering, melancholy and so much tenderness. I decide to jump in, without a parachute or protection, because I have nothing to lose, I’ve already lost enough and I want to take everything there is, everything this man is able to give. I want to live now, in his arms and kissing on his mouth. I want this feeling that has surprised me, confused me and shaken me but that I can not renounce, because it’s something impossible to explain and it’s unreasonable, something that has taken me over, and in a moment has overturned my life, that’s made from nothing. In a second, my hands are in his hair, caressing him and shaking like a leaf in the autumn wind. I set my eyes on him as I continue to caress him slowly, almost afraid I might hurt him, or myself. I touch his lips hoping not to do something

wrong and I feel him smile slightly against my mouth. So I become more audacious and I open my lips, praying he won’t deny me and that he answers my call. And he doesn’t deny me, he pulls me into his embrace and into his life. I can feel it in the way that he squeezes me to him and kisses me sweetly, patiently, with respect, as if I were the most beautiful thing, the most precious thing he’d ever touched. I let my arms slide down his neck and back down to his waist. Then, I slide them under his shirt and I caress his back with my fingertips, feeling his muscles contract against my touch. He pulls away slightly from my lips and emits a suffering sigh before looking me in the eyes. “I want to do this the right way, okay?” He takes my hands, bringing them to his mouth. I nod, biting slightly my lower lip. “I don’t want to take advantage of you, Rain. I know what you think, but I promise you I like you, I like everything about you. I don’t care about what was in the past. I don’t care about what you can’t give me, because the only thing I want, Rain, I swear, is to be near you. Permit me to fall in love with you, Rain O’Donovan, because you’ve come into my life and I can’t let you go.”

17

Liam I’ve started working officially at Only4You. I feel like I’ve gone back to being a teenager that earns money to live on by waiting tables and serving beer. I like it. I like it a lot. The weight I was carrying on my chest has lessened slightly. I’m not free from my guilt and the damage I’ve caused by my mistakes: they’ll always be there, real and frightening, but I’m starting to feel like myself again. I’m starting to taste the little things, daily gestures and the closeness of people I love. I look at Rain smiling at clients, I see her shine and live and my heart fills up with so much love I wish I could just drop it all on top of her and let it wrap her up in it, making her feel safe and protected. Simply loved. “Close your mouth, Liam. You’re drooling. On my sister.” I shake my head and turn towards him, giving him half a smile which he takes the wrong way. “Take it easy, you’re still on trial here, in every sense.” “Relax, Aaron, I have no intention of causing trouble.”

“I’m not afraid of that, Liam. What I am worried about is this situation that is developing between you and Rain.” I look at him with an inquisitive expression, eyebrows raised. Aaron sighs and sets down the glasses he has in his hands. He leans up against the bar and crosses his arms across his chest. “She could remember the accident—and I don’t know what would be worse for her. To continue living like this, in this ‘normal’ bubble we’ve created for her, or to reacquire her memory of that night, to suffer again and to hate us for what we’ve done.” I nod. I understand how serious this is. “Do you think we should tell her the truth?” I ask, fearing I may lose in a second everything that I’m slowly acquiring. “I don’t know, Liam. Your arrival has complicated things quite a bit. She’s happier than I’ve seen her in a very long time. Since long before the accident. She’s so calm, so positive—I’m selfish, I know. We all are. I feel like we’re continuing to hurt her like this, that she has the right to know. And don’t think we haven’t considered it in these years. But time passed and she started to get better, so we always held off telling her. We’ve always said sooner or later the right moment would be here, but that moment has

never come.” “The right moment never will come, Aaron.” “Yeah,” he agrees with the bitterness audible in his voice. “For me, it would be the end,” I conclude, lowering my head. Aaron gives me a light pat on the back, giving me a docile smile. “I still don’t know if I can accept you and her. Sure, it wasn’t easy for me to see her with Neil. We’re talking about my little sister. For me, no one will ever be good enough to walk by her side, do you understand me? It’s nothing personal—but I’ve decided to give you—to give her this chance, because I’d do anything to see her smile this way, like she is now.” He points to her with his head, to where she’s standing a few meters from me. “I just hope I’m doing the right thing.” “She’s everything for me, Aaron. I would do anything for her.” “Hey, what’s with those serious faces?” Rain interrupts, joining us at the counter. “Nothing. I was just pressing Liam about his intentions—” “Aaron,” Rain admonishes. “I’m not a little girl.” “I know,” he responds sweetly before giving her a peck on the cheek and walking away. Rain watches him move away before coming

near me. “Hi,” she whispers and it’s lucky I don’t melt into a pool at the sound of her voice. “Hi.” I draw her to me, pulling on her arm. I make her push up against my body before taking her face in my hands and delicately kissing her lips. She blushes and smiles, embarrassed, while my heart does somersaults to remind me how fucking nuts I am about this woman. Aaron coughs loudly a few steps away from us to remind me to keep my hands where they belong and my instincts under control. Our eyes meet briefly, which is enough for me to understand how much this farce has cost him up until now. He’s been at it for two years now. Everyone is lying to her. I’m lying to her and I don’t dare imagine what would happen if she remembered, or the day came when we decided that Rain should know the truth about her past.

Rain

I back away from the counter, walking on air. I feel so free, so light. So happy. I don’t remember having felt this way recently. Yes, there have been positive moments, even pleasant ones, but I don’t think I’ve ever gone around with this idiot expression on my face all day before now. Liam has decided to settle down, to stay here in Howth, to work with us at the pub and live in the apartment upstairs. I don’t know if it’s a permanent decision and I don’t feel like asking him about it now. I just want to enjoy every moment in his company, every caress, every goosebump. I’m so concentrated on my happiness that I don’t knock over any glasses tonight and I move through the tables with more confidence and less bumping. In the last few days I haven’t had to take notes, I haven’t used any post-its. It’s strange, almost inexplicable. I’ve been doing it for a year, I always forget little details, obligations, sometimes names— and yet, since Liam has come into my life, I don’t feel the need to remind myself of anything. Everything is spontaneous. Every moment I live remains impressed on my mind together with every little detail. This mysterious man isn’t just giving me

wonderful moments together and emotions I’ve never felt before. He’s giving me new pieces of my life. Pieces that fit together naturally in my mind, forming a colorful puzzle with wonderful warm reassuring tones. Until a few weeks ago I was searching for my past, I wanted to remember it at any cost. But now —I don’t know, it’s moved on to second place. Of course, I’d still like to remember and fill in those black holes in my mind, but I feel like it’s not the only thing I’ve got now. It’s not my first thought in the mornings. Would it be so bad really not to remember the past ever again? To live in this present with him, without asking again who I was? What would it matter if I was in love once? What would it matter if I had been with someone else? Now Liam is here and he occupies all of my heart and I feel like I don’t need anything else. I could breathe this sentiment and live in harmony and serenity with my condition because I am alive. Because I feel alive. I no longer have the sensation that something is missing, I don’t have that strange veil over my eyes that doesn’t permit me to see things clearly. Now my eyes are wide open and fixed on him, while he works behind the counter, pouring some beer for customers. He’s so big; slow in his movements at times and a bit rough around the edges, but

underneath, there’s an infinite tenderness where I could lose myself and never come back. I’m not afraid to lose myself in him. I feel like I could do anything, that I could trust, let myself go. To be loved. “Hey.” Liam passes next to me. He gives me a wink and I feel my heart swell. I return his glance and smile as I realize it’s not just my heart that’s gone crazy. I am completely crazy about him. And it’s a feeling I could never forget in my life.

18

Liam “I’d like to take your sister out tonight,” I ask Aaron. It’s a quiet Wednesday afternoon and we’re getting the place ready for tonight. Rain is out on one of her walks and I have deliberately decided not to accompany her. I know she needs some time just to be on her own. “Are you asking my permission?” Aaron replies. Rain and I have been going out for a few weeks. Well, not really. We work together, I take her shopping, and I accompany her home at night, we take our break in back together, under the careful killer eye of her brother. But, that’s about it. I’ve never really asked her out. We’ve never really been alone and I’d like to take her out for dinner someplace, just the two of us. Things have been proceeding gradually. She’s calm and serene and always smiling. I try to leave my negative thoughts in a dark corner in my mind when I’m with her, but even at night, when I’m alone and my mind is free from from thinking of her, they creep, dangerously back in, trying to drag me down again. I’m resisting. I’m doing it for her, for me.

For him. I know it seems hypocritical on my part, but it’s true. Neil would not want me to blame myself or to distance myself from her or them. He asked me to take care of her, and that’s what I’m planning on doing.

Rain is splendid, more so than I remembered. It’s true, she’s not the same person, but what does that matter? People change continuously, it’s part of the growing process. You have to accept that she’s different, of course, but that doesn’t mean I could ever love her any less. Fuck, I said it. I asked her to give me time to fall in love with her, but the truth is I’ve been in love with her since the first day she set foot in our basement, in her pink pajamas with monkeys on them, in search of her brother. “And where do you want to bring her?” Aaron asks. “Let’s hear it.” “Just out to dinner, Aaron.” “Just?” I shake my head and start wiping down the tables for tonight. “Just. To. Dinner.” “I’m not able to accept it, you know. The idea of you and her—I don’t even want to think about it. But Rain is peaceful and happy and I haven’t seen her like that in a while, so I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, even if the idea of watching you kiss each other hurts my eyes. Just be careful and don’t ruin everything, Liam.” “That’s certainly not my intention.” “It’s not that I don’t trust you. As a friend,

you’re not so bad, but with women…” “What?” “We both know you’ve never had a relationship, you’ve never thought of a woman seriously.” “That doesn’t mean I’m an asshole.” “I thought you liked the good life, you know—” “You thought wrong, pal. I never did like that life.” “We saw you, in the papers and on the web— you sure had your hands full.” “Not everything you read in the papers is true, Aaron, you should know that. And Rain isn’t like the others.” “You think I don’t know that? What’s going to happen after you leave? When you get a better offer, when you decide to take up music again and leave us here to pick up the pieces? I don’t wanna keep picking up pieces of her, Liam.” “Who told you I was planning on leaving?” “You already did it once.” “The situation was different. It was a difficult moment. I couldn’t handle it, I was completely out of my head.” “When things get difficult you’re always the first one to take off. And things here, buddy, are more than difficult. Now everything’s alright, she’s okay, but there are days in which—” “—Those days I will be here for her. I will stay, Aaron. This time, I will stay.”

Rain

“Where are we going?” Liam has decided to take me out to dinner tonight and to be honest, I’m a bit nervous. I don’t know exactly how to behave, what to do, what to say. We’re together every day, it’s true, but alone— it’s so intimate. “There’s not a lot of choice here, but what is important is that we spend a little time alone together, don’t you think?” Alone. Exactly. Liam has to have read the anxiety in my eyes, because he stops in the middle of the street and stands in front of me. “Is something wrong?” he asks me. “Nothing. Everything’s fine,” I lie. I’m just nervous to find myself alone with him. “Rain,” he admonishes, before giving me a light kiss on the forehead, “you can tell me everything.” “Okay, let’s say I’m a b-bit nervous,” I confess. “Nervous? Of having dinner?” he asks, raising his eyebrows. “It’s not about the dinner…” I say and he seems to not understand. But after a few seconds, his eyes widen and he opens his mouth as if to say something, but then closes it again and he smiles at me, holding me tight in his arms.

“You have nothing to be afraid of, Rain. I said I want to do things the right way, remember? We aren’t going to do anything you aren’t ready for.” “O-okay.” “Okay?” he asks, still smiling. “Trust me.” And I trust him blindly, as if I had known him my whole life, as if I could put my life in his hands. ~~~ We go to a place called Aqua Restaurant which is directly in front of the port. From there on clear nights it’s possible to see the Ireland Eye, an island in the middle of nowhere. It’s an uncontaminated land where nature is the only thing to admire. The air is brisk and heavy with the smell of rain, but we sit on the terrace under a heat lamp. Liam knows I enjoy breathing in this air and the view is truly spectacular, with the light pots illuminating the street below us, the infinite space the North Sea seems to occupy and where the heavens and the sea intertwine in a brilliant watery mirror. I love these places more than anything, I feel like they belong to me, I feel at home—the only home I’ve ever known. We eat in peace, having fresh fish caught this morning, a filet of Haddock with baked potatoes and asparagus, accompanied with a glass of white wine. We talk about the pub, the guys, the city and

how calm it is in this little village, it just seems perfect to start from zero. The atmosphere is almost magical: I feel like I could talk freely about anything that passed through my head, without worrying about stuttering or getting confused or feeling inadequate. I feel like I’ve always known him, even if in reality, I only just met him a few weeks ago. Between us, there’s a connection that goes beyond words and time and everything else. There’s complicity, understanding there’s—I don’t know how to explain it, but I know there’s something unique that we aren’t able to perceive. “So, tell me something about your family,” I ask him. The atmosphere changes dynamically as soon as I ask about his life. His clear eyes cloud over like the Irish sky, ready to change at any moment without warning. Liam sits straight in his chair and gets lost in his thoughts. “Not much to say. We haven’t seen each other for a long time, since before I left. Let’s say I don’t have a great relationship with them, that’s all. It’s just me.” I understand he doesn’t want to talk about it and I don’t insist even if, I confess, I’m sorry he doesn’t get along with his family. I can’t even imagine not seeing Aaron for a day, much less not have him in

my life at all. Aaron is my family, together with the guys who are so important to me. I can’t imagine how it would feel to be so alone like Liam is. “And what about music? Would you like to start up again? Don’t you miss that life?” Another bad conversation topic. Liam closes up and only speaks to me in monosyllables that are meaningless. The only thing he lets out is that for now, he’s happy as things are, he doesn’t want to go back to music and is done with that life. I don’t want to press him to open up to me if he doesn’t feel like it, so I limit myself to smiling at him and I finish my coffee before I can do more damage. I don’t want to ruin this night. Afraid that I may have broken the spell, we head toward the bridge, without holding hands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be intrusive.” “You weren’t. It’s just I don’t want to talk about the past, that’s all. I’d like to think just about the present. About this moment, about you and me,” he says, stopping to take my hand and bringing it to his lips. He brings me toward him and gives me a timid smile before brushing a hand through my hair. “You’re beautiful, Rain.” I blush and instinctively lower my gaze. “I’m serious. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful.” I shake my head. “I don’t believe you. Who knows how many women—” and I stop short. I feel

stupid and jealous at the same time. “Other women? You don’t even know what you’re saying. There are no other women. There never have been…” And he blocks up, and he too looks down. The muscles in his face tighten. “I can’t believe you’ve never had a relationship,” I say nervously, confused by his words. “No woman has ever made me feel like I do now with you, Rain. No one.” “But you barely know me—” “—It’s enough for me. Your eyes, your smile, your sincerity—the way you look at me, as if I were the only man on the planet. And then your infinite sweetness, your tenderness, how kind you are to everyone, even the drunks at the bar.” He sighs and pauses. “I don’t know how to tell you, Rain.” “W-what’s that?” I swallow hard. He thinks about it for a few seconds, then shakes his head and changes the subject. “Wanna come with me?” he asks, imploring me with his eyes. “The pub should be closed by now, unless Aaron is waiting in the dark with a machete, I’d say we can go back, what do you say? I’m not ready for this night to be over.” I’m not ready either, so I nod and I follow him.

19

Liam I let her sit down in the living room that I fixed up. I didn’t have a lot of things with me, but the apartment didn’t need a lot to give it an inhabited look. Rain is nervous, she looks around like an animal in a cage as if she didn’t have an escape route. I don’t want her to feel like this, I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, just wanted to spend a little more time with her. I didn’t have anything else in mind, I swear. Fine, I thought about it a little, but how could I not? She’s so beautiful she takes my breath away. I’m not even sure she’s aware of it or if she just doesn’t care. In her tight, ripped-at-theknee jeans, and her red boots with matching blouse that cinches at the waist, her hair pulled back in her usual braid that hangs over her shoulder and without a bit of make-up or flashy jewelry. Just her in her wondrous simplicity. I’m forced to look elsewhere, because if I watch her for another five seconds, I might not be able to hold back and I don’t want to rush things. I’ve never had a hard time getting a girl, especially when I was a musician who everyone was trying to turn into a sex symbol for the girls.

They made me sexy, dammit, I’m sexy on my own! Not because I’m a bad boy; I know I have a bad temper and I’m quick to fight, but I’ve never been a playboy or an asshole in that sense. That’s something the record companies that I was involved with make up to sell records; I guess my music wasn’t enough. The truth is that there never has been any woman. Not like her. She showed up in our basement ten years ago on an autumn night. She was just a girl then, but she was already something to see. She was wearing those pink fucking pajamas with monkeys on them and on her feet, winter boots and a fur coat. Her hair was in a disorderly ponytail. She was looking for her brother. Her mother had sent her in search of him and she came looking to get him. That was the first time I really met her. I had know Aaron for years. We went to the same school and we had been playing in the same band for a while with the guys. I had seen her a few times, nodded to her from a distance but never a word. And yet, it was enough for me to see her on the stairs to understand. Simple, unpretentious and secure of herself—who else could have pulled that off wearing that?—Rigid, with her arms folded, admonishing Aaron for being late and she didn’t need to repeat her words before he followed her home.

“That’s his sister,” Neil told me. “Isn’t she beautiful?” His eyes were as transparent as his soul. He was always as open as a book with me, my family, everyone. It didn’t take long at all for him to win her over, he knew how to do it, I have to admit. He was sweet, attentive, affectionate. He wasn’t interested in other women, there was only one he wanted, for himself, forever. He had clear ideas right away. “One day, I’m going to marry her,” he told me after less than a month. He was 18 at the time. He almost made it. And me? I was just his big brother that she saw as a friend, someone you could pass a bit of time with. One of many, in a group. And that’s what I’ve always been. It’s useless to say that’s how this situation has affected my life. I’ve never been a bastard with women, it’s just that I’ve never found the right one. Sweet, nice, sometimes in love, but I never was, even though I tried. No one was like her. I never said anything, Neil was my brother and they were happy; she loved him and he would have given anything for her, even his life. And he did. Then one day something in my equilibrium and my self control just broke down. We had just signed the contract for the second album after the first one was successful in Ireland. People started to recognize us in the streets, asking for autographs,

following us to concerts. There were sponsors, tours in Europe, money, fame, everything we always dreamed of. For us guys who grew up on Pearse Street, from simple families who had never seen anything similar, it was overwhelming and we didn’t want to mess it up. But the tour would have taken Neil away from Rain for eight long months and he wouldn’t have been able to resist being with her. He lived for her. Rain had her job, she had just started student teaching at the school. She adored the children in her class and they venerated her. She never would have left them to follow us. “I’m gonna marry her, Liam, by God, I am! And I’m gonna bring her with me, I can’t leave her here, you understand me?” And I could understand, more than he realized. I found her in tears in the garden behind the house. The door was open as always in our house. I went to go find her after Neil told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to marry him. He was desperate, he wanted to give up everything and stay behind for her. But without Neil, we were nothing. He was the soul of the group. He was the one who wrote our songs. I decided to try and talk to her, to try and find a way out of the situation, because our dream was on the line. Rain was sitting on the old rusted swing in the garden, swinging silently, crying. I walked up to her without saying a word while the words from

‘My Chemical Romance’ blasting full volume on the kitchen stereo were breaking my heart to bits. We sat there in silence for about a half an hour until she finally looked up at me and I realized in that moment that I would have lost it. Forever. Well, when you go/Don’t ever think I’ll make you try to stay/And maybe when you get back/I’ll be off to find another way. “Neil wants us to get married,” she told me, “before leaving for the European tour. A month, Liam, that gives me a month. I can’t do it, not this soon and not for that reason.” “Have you told him what you think?” “I love him, you know,” she answered with tolerance, shrugging her shoulders. When you go would you even turn to say/I don’t love you like I did yesterday? I shut my eyes tightly, and grabbed the chains on the swing with such force I could feel the rusted metal cutting into my hands. “I’m happy for your success, you all deserve it. But I can’t turn my life upside down for this. I don’t want to wait for him to come back to the hotel room at night after hundreds of women have fawned over him.” “You know he’s not like that. Neil loves you, he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.” “Yeah—”

“—You don’t have to if you don’t feel it, Rain. He’ll understand.” “And you?” “Me, what?” “I’m asking you what you think.” Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading/So sick and tired of all the needless beating/But baby when they knock you down and out/It’s where you ought to stay. I jumped to my feet to get as far away from her perfume as I could because it was clouding my thoughts, it would have made me swing her way, fall apart, ruin everything. “What do I have to do with this?” I said, turning my back to her. I heard her stand up and come towards me. I heard her breath quicken as she got closer. I heard my own heartbeat going crazy and the blood rushing to my temples. She put her hand on my back to force me to turn around and face her. I couldn’t avoid it, I couldn’t refuse that contact. Just one time, I told myself. I closed my eyes for a few seconds before taking a big breath and opened them again, only to get lost in hers. I implored her, with my eyes, with the tears and the words that did not come out, but that I yelled with my whole heart. Then, I caressed her face and she rested her cheek in my palm. I felt the

cold tears falling through my fingers, I felt my heart stop a few seconds and I knew I had to do it. Just this once. I pulled her to me with the other arm as tight as I could, to transmit everything I could in that hug, all of the words I wasn’t able to say. She let me hold her and console her, until I pulled back and I dove into her eyes without hesitating. “Don’t do it,” I simply told her. And a second after that, her hands were in my hair and mine in hers. Our lips were searching for each other, exploring and tasting one another for the first time. A sweet flavor like her disarming fragility, and bitter, because I knew it would be the only kiss that I would have ever stolen from her. I don’t love you like I loved you yesterday.4 “Please, I beg you not to do it,” I repeated, when she had already gone and all that I was left with was the taste of her tears on my lips and the pain of losing the only woman I would ever love in my heart.

Rain

“Is something wrong?” I ask. Liam seems lost in thought. He offered me a tea and I accepted it, just to have a little distraction; to avoid looking at him and feeling inadequate. I’d like to escape, because my emotions are going nuts. Maybe all this is too much for me. I don’t know what to do, how to act, I don’t know what he’s expecting. “Everything’s fine,” he says, sitting next to me on the couch. “It’s nice having you here.” “It’s nice to be here,” I reply, while he wraps his arm around my shoulders. “Come close to me.” He holds me a little tighter so I can rest my head on him. We stay like this, in silence, while our breathing aligns, falling into the same rhythm. I’m not afraid, I don’t want to leave. I feel safe. I feel protected. I feel at home.

“I don’t want to go home,” I say out of the blue without over-thinking it—because that’s what I feel in this moment. I don’t want to go away from him. I want to continue to feel like this, part of something.

Part of him. “Don’t do it.” His words go straight to my brain and wake me from the coma I’ve been in since my life has taken this direction two years ago, since everything I’ve heard around me is dimmed and filtered, as if someone had chosen very carefully the words to say to me, as if everyone held back their emotions for my sake. “What did you say?” I ask him, sliding out of his arms. “I said that you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You can stay here. Stay,” he concludes with imploring eyes. Don’t do it. I hear it again in my head, like a hammer, like a familiar and close voice I’ve already heard. I jump off the couch and take a few steps away from him. I have to get my thoughts and there are blurred flashes appearing and interrupting my mind. Don’t do it. I look at him and my lips fall apart, ready to go, to ask him, but he doesn’t give me time. He stands up and in two steps he’s in front of me. “Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?” I deny it with a shake of my head and lower my glance. The words remain were they were, in my

throat. I’m not ready to spit them out. “If you want, I’ll take you home—” “No, I want to stay here with you.” He relaxes his expression and gives me half a smile that seems both malicious and tender and I cannot resist. I reach up on my tiptoes and give him a soft kiss on the lips. At first, he’s surprised, then, however, he grabs me by the waist and pulls me to him. Chest against chest, I can feel his every heartbeat, which is accelerating at an alarming rate, keeping pace with mine. The initial sweetness disappears in a few seconds, in the moment in which our tongues meet, touch, play. Liam tugs at my lower lip, biting it softly and I feel a shock that runs through my entire body. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before. I let myself go and am transported by that kiss and everything it means that is the opposite of taking it slow, and without even realizing it, I lift myself up and wrap my legs around his hips. Liam grabs me by the bottom, before letting out a sort of groan. “Rain,” he whispers. “I promised you I’d go slow, but if you act like this, I don’t think I’ll be able to control myself.” “Well then don’t do it.” “I can’t. Try to understand.” “And if I wanted to? If I wanted to—well, you know.”

He lets out a laugh before kissing my nose. Then he takes a few steps in the direction of the counter that separates the kitchen from the living room, where he sits me down, but remains just a few centimeters away from me. “No, really, I don’t understand,” he says playfully, resting his hands next to my body. I blush for a second, embarrassed by my own thoughts. “Rain, if you can’t even say it, how can I believe you’re ready for—well, you know.” “Well really, what? I don’t understand,” I say, imitating him. And he explodes in laughter—loud, real. Alive. I feel this feeling surround me and warm me. I feel my heart explode with joy, with life. With love. His laugh is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I wish he’d do it more often, because when he laughs his face relaxes and he shines, losing that dark shadow he carries and that sense of anguish that seem to distinguish him. “You don’t know how much I would love to, but it’s not the right moment, not now.” Maybe he’s right, perhaps I pushed it too far. “I’m not in any hurry,” he continues, leaving a trail of kisses on my neck, tender and chaste, even if on me, they have another effect.

“I will wait all the time it takes,” he concludes, kissing every centimeter of my face, before coming back to my lips. And in that moment the tenderness turns into something else, because even if I don’t feel ready, I desire this man with everything I have. I want a man’s hands on my body. I want to be loved, in every way possible. I want to feel a man inside of me, making me feel things I think I have felt in the past, but that I don’t remember. I want a man to make me tremble and shake, make me feel like a woman. I want a man. A man for myself. I want this man. I grab the bottom of his shirt and I take it off of him, not allowing him time to reply. I observe, almost breathlessly, his sculpted abs covered in tattoos, just like his neck and his arms. He looks at me and that limpid sky turns into a storm of emotions that I wish would fall right on me, like a hurricane with nowhere to escape. “Rain,” he warns, but in reply I slide open my blouse and let it slide off my shoulders to reveal my naked breasts before him. “God, Rain,” he cries before launching himself at my breasts that call him, asking to be tasted, consumed by his lips. The second I feel the heat of his breath on my

naked chest, I let out a little yelp I’m not able to contain. A man’s body on top of mine. I run my hands in his hair, pulling just slightly to encourage him to continue. His lips close in around my nipple, while his other hand is full of my other breast. I let my head fall back and free my body that is threatening to explode in fire under his breath, his mouth and his fingers. His tongue plays on my body, his hands moving frenetically, then his teeth bite me softly and I gasp loudly. I hold my legs tightly around his waist, getting closer to his hips, pushing myself forcefully against him, because I need to feel his desire run through me now. “Rain, I beg you—” he whispers in my ear before coming back up to my mouth and suffocating me with kisses. His tongue becomes invasive, taking away my breath, turning me into his prey, and a situation from which I do not want to escape. He separates from me, panting, biting my lip. Hungry. “I w-want you, Liam,” I say, so full that I’m not sure he really heard me. “I know,” he sighs, sliding a hand toward the button of my jeans. “I want you too, you can’t imagine how much.” When I understand what he’s about to do, I

draw back without wanting to. Apparently my subconscious has control of my actions. “Be calm,” he whispers, kissing my neck. “Everything’s alright.” And I believe him. Slowly, he unbuttons my jeans and pulls down the zipper. The sound fills the room like thunder and inexplicably, I start to shudder. “I can stop, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to to do, Rain. Trust me.” “I—I’m not afraid. I trust you.” His hand slides slowly inside my pants, touching me lightly over my underwear, causing another earthquake. Liam smiles against my lips before going under the panties. When he touches my heat with his fingers, he inhales almost painfully, as if he’s struggling to keep his control. Then he starts moving, rubbing his finger over my most intimate spot with his hot sure fingers. “I can stop,” he whispers in my ear. “N-no. Please don’t, don’t.” “I just want to feel you.” I nod against his shoulder and I relax just before Liam slowly slides a finger inside of me. He smiles again and bites my lip this time more aggressively, passionately. I grab his shoulders at the moment in which he inserts a second finger and rubs my clitoris with his palm, making me shake in agitation for the pure emotion of being made to feel

like a woman again. He moves slowly inside of me and I abandon myself to him, to his hand that is torturing me, to the heat that is burning me, his heavy breath on my skin and the feeling of being desired. His mouth slides down looking for my breast. He takes my nipple in his mouth and sucks on it, almost rasping before pulling at it, just slightly while my body shakes without control against his. His strength and his desire flood me and lead me to move, going towards his fingers that are sliding in and out of me. I want to feel it again. And I want more. “Yes, like that!” his voice is hard and full of desire that gives me goosebumps. “You don’t know what it means for me to feel you.” His fingers push down, making me bend on him. His movements get faster like our breath that is ever faster and in need of more oxygen. His palm brushes anxiously against my clitoris, and his voice continues to call my name, causing a thrill that morphs into something else in a few seconds. “Let yourself go.” And he doesn’t have to say anything else, because five seconds later, I’m yelling, and pushing my nails into his back. A wave of warmth expands over my body, hit by this hurricane, while I suffocate my shaking body by biting his shoulder.

I can’t believe this is happening to me. His hand, his delicate touch between my legs, and then his fingers go up slowly along my belly. “You’re wonderful, Rain. Never change, you are perfect just like you are.” And his words make me cry with abandon. The emotion was too strong and they need to come out somehow. “Shh—everything’s okay,” he whispers again. He caresses my face with his beard and seals this moment with his wet lips. He moves back from me slightly and helps me with my jeans, he smiles at me tenderly and lifts me up, bringing me into the other room. He lays me down on his bed and lays down next to me. We’re still half naked, but it’s not important. He pulls me to him so that my back is against his naked chest. His arms hold me, his breath on my neck, his light kisses behind the nape of my neck. The heat of his body wraps itself around me. I run my fingers over the tattoos on his arms, tracing the edges and when I arrive at his fingers, he squeezes them, as if he were afraid I would go. But I have no intention of doing so. What I want now is to feel this heat on me. What I want is to feel a man’s body next to mine. What I want is his arms tight around my waist, making me feel safe. What I want, everything I want, is here in this

room, in this bed next to me.

20

Liam “Oh my God, you guys, that was fucking awesome!” Neil yells before grabbing the keys and getting in the driver’s seat. “Hey, you’re too wound up, and I think you’ve had too much to drink. Let me drive,” I tell him. “Nah, I’m fine. You drank too.” “I just had one beer, while I think you went overboard a bit.” “Oh, come on. We had to celebrate, right? This was our last concert in Dublin, in a bit we’re going to be leaving and there’s going to be a tour. We have a contract for the next album I’ve already written half the songs—I feel good, almost invincible.” “Neil, think about it—” “Don’t break my balls, Liam! Sit in back or you’re gonna be walking.” Reluctantly, I leave him behind the wheel of his car and get in back while Rain sits up front, next to him. I’m not able to look her in the eyes, not after what happened to us two nights ago. “We’ve got everything, bro. Everything we ever dreamed about,” he says, turning on the engine and

accelerating away with a screech from the transmission, while Rain grabs on to the seat nervously and quickly buckles up her belt. “Well, not everything,” he continues, looking at Rain sitting next to him. “Not now, Neil, come on, let’s enjoy this moment,” his girlfriend tells him. “It could be perfect, if only you would decide.” I don’t want to get involved, but I don’t think this is the right moment to talk about certain things. Neil is high on the rush of the show and not completely with it. I wouldn’t want him to say too much. “Couldn’t you guys talk about that later, you know?” I advise. “When you’re alone?” “And why should we?” he responds, looking in the rearview mirror. “We don’t have any secrets, Liam, you know exactly what’s going on. Rain—” He turns his attention to her. “—You need to make a decision. Now. Marry me, or I swear to you I’ll call this whole thing off,” he concludes, raising his voice. “Neil, please, you just think about your driving and we’ll talk about this at home,” Rain tells him, looking at the street ahead and stiffening up in her seat. Neil is going too fast. “Slow down, bro,” I warn him. “Rain is right, you can talk about this calmly at home, there’s no

reason she has to make a decision right now.” “No. She has to make a decision now. Right now. We’ve been together forever, Rain, this shouldn’t be so hard, should it?” Neil is furious, he continues to yell without looking at the road and is pressing down on the gas, going faster and faster. “Maybe you don’t love me enough?” he shouts. “Maybe we should just break up?” What an asshole, I think. He’s my brother but he sure can be an unreasonable jerk sometimes, especially when it comes to Rain. “Don’t be ridiculous, Neil!” Rain is crying and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold back from punching Neil on the nose. I can’t stand her suffering like this. “You know that I love you,” she protests. “It’s just—I don’t want to talk like this, not now!” “So when, Rain? When? I’m offering you everything that I have, why don’t you want to accept it and let me take care of you? Why can’t you just marry me? Fuck, I don’t know what to think. Maybe you’ve got someone else?” At that question, I close my eyes tight and pray like I’ve never prayed that he’s not right, that there isn’t someone else, that the reason for her hesitation isn’t me. Please God, don’t let it be me. Rain is silent while Neil goes crazy.

“So, that’s it is it? You’ve met someone else?” “Neil, don’t be paranoid,” I interrupt. “And keep your eye on the fucking road!” “The road? If she doesn’t want me anymore, if she has someone else the road can go fuck itself just like my life. Did you hear me, Rain? I can’t live without you!” And that’s when Rain raises her eyes full of tears to the rearview mirror seeking out mine. And she finds them, she finds them there for her. I beg her with my eyes not to do it, to not accept his proposal, to not marry him, to not make me lose her forever. I guess I’m selfish. The worst brother a man has ever had and a man who is worth nothing, because I am crazy in love with my brother’s girlfriend and perhaps I’m just realizing it now. Years of silence, stolen smiles, complicit glances, sighs and frustration. Years of nothing. Only now that he’s about to marry her I understand that I could really lose her forever, that she might not be mine and I can’t accept not living with her. I was an idiot to wait this long.

I’m afraid she’s going to tell him the truth and that Neil will hate me for the rest of his life, that the band will fall apart and our lives will be in a million pieces. But I can’t avoid it, love is stronger than anything else. And then Neil looks in the rearview mirror, meets my gaze, closes his eyes for a second and then looks at her. He shakes his head a few times before looking back at me, assaulting me with the rage in his eyes. Just a few seconds, and then his life was over. We don’t realize anything until we’re bouncing for meters along the asphalt. A searing pain stops me from breathing for a moment, I have a dislocated shoulder. It’s clear to me right away, the whole of my right side is wasted. I feel a river of blood run down my forehead when I’m able to open my eyes after a few moments of unconsciousness. I try to move, with difficulty. The front of the car is completely crumpled. I call out Rain and Neil’s names but they don’t answer, although I go on yelling with all my might. So I move slowly, trying to get up front. Neil is the first one to open his eyes. The steering wheel has practically gone into his chest and his face is a mask of blood. “Liam,” he says in a whisper. “Rain—”

“Shh—please, don’t speak,” I reassure him. “I’ll call someone, stay still.” “Liam, drag her out.” “I’ll pull you both out.” “Pull her out,” he says all at once, using the last of his energy. “She is—she is my Rain. Please.” I nod swallowing my tears, the pain, the guilt that is starting to devour me like a wild animal. I look around, searching for a way out. Rain’s window is shattered, maybe I could try there. But at the first movement the pain in my chest is unbearable and takes my breath away. “You can do it, Liam,” Neil whispers. “Do it for me. Bring her out, stay with her. Protect her when I’m—” “—Neil, don’t talk that way. We’re all gonna make it.” “No, bro,” he says, coughing. “Don’t let her die too. Stay close to her—love her, Liam, like I would have done. Love her for all of your life.” “Neil—” “Shh—it’s okay. You’re a crap liar, you know. Promise me you will never abandon her, ever, like you did with me.” “Neil, no!” “Promise me, brother to brother. Take care of her.”

I put aside my pain, I put aside the family, I put apart myself. “I promise you, Neil,” I say, before letting my brother die alone, in a piece-of-shit car whose airbags didn’t even detonate, while I try to save the woman who is his life, and mine. ~~~ I wake up deeply shaken, screaming Neil’s name. I look around disoriented and confused and it takes me a second to realize I’m in my bed in my new apartment. Then I remember that I fell asleep with Rain in my arms. I turn abruptly, terrified that I have made an irreparable error, but she isn’t there. The bed is empty, cold, even if her impression is left in the sheets and the pillow smells of her perfume. I jump down from the bed and look around, searching for her. I go into the living room with my heart in my throat, afraid that something may have happened, until I see her note on a table in the living room. I didn’t want to wake you, but I had to go home. Thanks for the night out. Kisses, Rain I fall to the couch and take my head in my hands.

The memories are still there, torturing me, breaking my heart in two, telling me that I’m taking someone else’s place, a place I have no right to. A place with my brother’s blood, a place whose significance is filled with pain, guilt and remorse. A place that wasn’t mine, a place I ripped out of the hands of someone else and where I have inserted myself. And that I am no longer able to leave.

Rain

This morning I woke up singing. Aaron notices my great mood right away and watches me, hiding behind his coffee cup. “Someone is happy this morning. Did you have a good night?” he asks me. “I didn’t hear you come back—” “It went well, thanks.” Jay gives him a sharp glance and Aaron shuts up. He stands up and goes to his room. “You have to understand him, Rain,” Jay explains. “It’s not easy for him to accept that you’re grown up now.” “Maybe he can’t understand why a guy like Liam would go for a girl like me,” I say, feeling my good mood evaporate. “And why would that be? Darling, you’re beautiful, you’re sweet, compassionate, you’re— one of a kind.” “Are you hitting on her?” Patrick says, coming into the kitchen with just a towel wrapped around his waist. I don’t take my eyes off of him because I’m used to it by now. “You’re always the same old idiot,” Jay scolds him, taking his coffee cup and going into the garden. “So, your night out?” Patrick enquires.

“Is none of your business.” “Well, no, you’re wrong there. Your life is our business, Rain. I want to know if Liam behaved like a gentleman.” “And what would you know about gentlemen, Patrick?” I bite back. “Just ’cuz I’m an asshole doesn’t mean I accept that others can be, especially with you.” In that moment someone knocks on the door and Patrick gets up unhappily to go answer it. “Here’s the fearless and spotless knight,” I hear him say at the front door. “Rain, you have a visitor!” Liam walks into the kitchen, a bit embarrassed, giving me a timid smile. “Good morning,” he says, stopping a few steps away from me. “I stopped by Caira and I got you this,” he adds, setting down a carryout Frappuccino with vanilla. “T-thanks.” I blush, taking the glass. He gets closer, giving me a kiss on the cheek. I feel uncomfortable after last night, I admit it. The memory of what happened between us gives me the shivers and it’s lucky I didn’t knock over my drink. “Everything okay?” he asks while I nod and hide in my drink. “And you got us nothing?” Patrick taunts him. “Fuck off,” Liam replies, giving his the finger.

“So that’s how things are?” he continues in a suggestive voice that embarrasses both of us. “I’m here for Aaron, he called me this morning, asking me to pass by.” “He’s up in his room.” “Fine, I’m going now, I’ll see you later,” he adds, before giving me a little kiss on the lips. Liam walks away leaving me breathless, not for the kiss which was chaste and sweet but for his nearness, which provokes this tornado of emotions, which are impossible to explain in words but which surprise me and upset me every time he is near. “Well, well.” Patrick brings me back to reality. “Somebody got lucky last night—” “Shut up, Patrick!” Jay calls out, coming back inside. “Don’t be your usual asshole self. Did you have fun last night, Rain?” he asks, changing his tone of voice as he turns to speak to me. “Uh-huh,” I say in monosyllables, trying to push away the image of Liam’s hand between my legs. “Good, I’m happy. I’m going upstairs. Aaron wanted to speak to me too,” he adds, leaving me alone with Patrick. “It seems I haven’t been invited,” he says, pretending to be offended. “Be careful, Rain. With Liam, I mean. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s got unresolved problems and I wouldn’t want you to get dragged into something too big for you to handle.” He talks in a tone which is strangely

serious for him. “W-what does that mean? What p-problems?” I ask, already unnerved. “Nothing you need to worry about, I hope. He’s a good guy, but he’s had a really hard time and I don’t know if he’s gotten over it completely. I just want you to be happy, honey. I don’t want you to suffer, for any reason. And if he hurts you, I’ll send him back to London with a kick up his ass, okay?” I nod, confused and a bit scared. “I’m leaving, now. Someone has to take care of the business,” he mutters, giving me a kiss on the cheek before going. “Patrick?” I call, before he disappears down the stairs. “Is there something I should know that no one wants to tell me?” He turns to me with a forced smile. “He’s gotta be the one to talk to you about it, when and if he thinks it’s right to do so. I just don’t want you to get carried away—I know you like him, and that’s okay, but just be careful. You’re like a sister to me, you know and I couldn’t stand to see you hurt again.” I nod before letting him leave. Then I go to my room where I sit on the bed looking at the closet doors covered with post-its. I scan them with my eyes going over these reminders of my life for the last two years, the only life I know. And I realize I have never felt this way before now. I have never

felt anything even similar to this. In these months there’s been nothing that made me want to live again, to have a future, to love someone or to be loved.

I smile while I read my notes about him. Liam is part of me. He came in like the rain and continues to be present, giving me something I never thought possible for me. Liam is part of my life, and he has been since the first time I met him, from the first time he held me in his strong, sure arms, saving me from a moving motorcycle. And every day he continues to be my savior. To save me, even if he doesn’t realize it. Liam saved me from my nothingness and every day he gives me something to live for. And I’ll always be thankful to him for that, for bringing me back my smile. For bringing me back to me.

21

Liam “Come in, Liam,” Aaron tells me. I sit on his bed while he finishes getting dressed. “I’m not going to ask you how it went last night because I don’t need or want to know. I asked you to come here for a different reason.” Jay comes in without knocking to join us. He sits next to me, continuing to drink his coffee. “Okay, guys, there’s something I want to talk to you about,” Aaron says seriously, sitting at the desk in front of us. “I have a contact, or rather, we have a contact. Jay’s dad found a manager who may be interested in relaunching the band.” “Wait a second,” Jay interrupts. “Have you spoken with my father?” “Obviously,” he answers sarcastically. “You never would have.” Jay tenses up next to me, but doesn’t fight. His father has a small recording studio which deals with newly emerging bands. He was a really talented musician in his time and decided to dedicate himself to music in another way. He sure has a lot of contacts in the field and it doesn’t surprise me that Aaron went to see him. I know that Jay and his father don’t have the greatest relationship and it

doesn’t surprise me that Jay didn’t go directly to ask for his help. “I know that a lot of time has gone by and things are different now, but it seems like a great opportunity and I don’t think we should let it slip away.” “I don’t know that this is the right moment, Aaron,” Jay comments. “We haven’t played in a long time. Of course we jam in the pub every now and then, but that hardly qualifies us. We don’t have any words, music, nothing. We don’t even have a singer.” “And that’s where Liam comes in.” “Me?” I ask, jumping to my feet. “Well, what did you think I asked you here for?” “No, mate. I’m not going around this time.” “You could start up again.” “You know how it went when I tried. I don’t want to end up like that again.” “But now, you’re not alone, we’re here too,” Aaron points out. “It’ll be like old times.” “It will never be like it was, Aaron.” “I know Neil was our strongest player, our glue, and God knows how much I miss him, but we’re still here, we could try it together,” he says, coming closer to me. “I—I can’t do it. Not now.” “Because of her?” Jay asks without looking at me.

I shake my head, get up and walk away, taking a few steps towards the window. I look at the horizon and the sea and I take in all the tranquility of this place and feel strangely at peace. “I’d like to stay here.” “What do you mean by that?” Jay asks. “I’d like to stay here in Howth, work at the pub, find a house of my own. I’d like to live here and have a normal life.” “With her?” Aaron asks. I don’t answer him, I turn slowly to face his gaze. “You are really in love with her?” He studies me seriously. I turn again because I need to see the peace and serenity that this place has to offer. I need quiet, routine, a simple life—a private life— with her. “I wanna take care of her,” I say all in a breath. “I want to be here when she needs me, I want to cure her wounds and breathe next to her every fucking day of my life.” “Do you think you’re up to the task? Do you think this is going to be enough for you? Liam, we all know that you need music to play, success— isn’t that what you always wanted?” “Once, maybe—but now it’s all different.” “Now she’s here,” Jay intervenes. “And I can understand him. What would happen to Rain if things went well for us, huh? Can you explain that

to me?” “First of all, we don’t know that things would go well for us,” Aaron goes on. “She’d come with us, I’d never leave her alone.” “And you think that’s the right thing for her? To follow the band? Do you have any idea what kind of life would be waiting for her? What she would be waiting for?” “Jay, Rain is my sister and the only thing I want for her is to be happy, so do you think I haven’t considered that? I’ve thought about it for a long time. Now that she’s better, more in control and less emotional, a change could do her good. I don’t want her to spend the rest of her life in this stupid little town serving beer to four drunks. I’d like her to see the world, to meet new people and see new places. I’d like everything to be—normal for her.” “You guys can do what you want, but don’t count on me, okay?” I say, turning toward the door. “I will not leave her again or force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I just want to see her smile every day and make her happy. I don’t give a fuck about anything else,” I conclude, slamming the door behind my back and going quickly down the stairs, leaving behind my desires, my dreams and my aspirations. Nothing is more important than her, everything can be suffocated, buried, hidden. Nothing is more important than her, her serenity and her life.

I promised Neil that I would take care of her. I swore to myself that I would not leave her alone and that’s what I’m going to do from now on. The rest of it can be damned, I don’t need anything else.

Rain

“What do you think?” I ask. “What do I have to do with this?” he replies. I don’t know why I’m asking him. What does he have to do with this? “Don’t do it,” he says, and my heart melts, running down my legs and forming a puddle of red liquid, similar to blood, and I can smell it mixed with wet grass. Don’t do it. Then his lips are on mine and I feel that I’m making a mistake, that my life is a farce, that I’m in love with a man I never should have laid eyes on. And he looks at me and implores me, he begs me not to make this decision. It’s not necessary for the words to come out, I can read it all in his eyes. It’s always been like that for us. And so I go away, turning myself away physically from this feeling that is caged in my heart, that I’ve tamed, that I have tried with all my heart to stop, since the night I wore those stupid pink pajamas with the monkeys. I’ve lied to everyone all this time. I lied to myself and I lied to my heart. Now I know what I can’t do, what decision I can’t absolutely make. But I don’t know what will happen to my life, to my future, to my love.

It’s there. It has been since the first look when my eyes shone in his. It’s there, I can’t deny it, I can’t hide it. I can’t marry the wrong man. I can’t marry Neil. ~~~ I wake up panic-stricken, with my head banging and an uncontrollable sense of nausea. I jump out of bed and run to the bathroom to throw up what remains of my dinner, in order to purge my heart of this sentiment that I don’t know where it came from, but I now feel it and this has upset my world greatly, this precarious reality that I have constructed but which is not mine. This is not me. I wash my face, take two aspirins and go back to the bedroom. I sit on the bed but I know I will not be able to go back to sleep. So I go downstairs, into the kitchen, and put the kettle on and fetch a cup from the sideboard. I prepare myself a hot tea with milk and go sit on the couch, with my legs crossed Indian style and my boiling-hot cup in my hands. Someone is coming down the stairs trying not to make any noise. “Hey, is everything okay? I heard you come down.” “Sorry, Jay, I didn’t want to wake you.”

“I wasn’t sleeping, don’t worry. Has something happened? Are you alright?” he asks while pouring himself a cup of tea too. Am I well? Aside from the migraine, I mean, am I really well? I’d like to say a lot of things, to explain to Jay how I feel after having opened up this episode in my life, I’d like to ask, to know, to really understand everything. “N-Neil.” Is the only thing I can say. Jay lets the cup of tea that he has just poured, fall to the floor, so it shatters into a million pieces. And I understand that my life is about to do the same thing. He doesn’t look at me, he doesn’t say a word. The tension in the room speaks for him. I get up and go to the front door, I grab my jacket and put it on over my pajamas, step into my boots and go out into the freezing cold night. I know where I’m going. Jay doesn’t try to follow me or stop me. He knows where I’m going. ~~~ I walk quickly, even though my head continues to pulse, even though the nausea threatens my stomach, even though I don’t know what will

become of me after this. I knock on his door. After a few seconds, I see the curtains on the first floor move and a figure appear. I hear footsteps running down the stairs before the door opens. “Rain, what’s happened? Does Aaron know you’re here?” I don’t answer him. I let the tears flood my eyes, my face, my life. I let myself be held in his arms, because even though I need answers, to talk, to understand, what I need now is to be held by him. He helps me up the stairs leading to his apartment. He takes off my jacket and sets it down on the couch. He accompanies me to his room and has me lay down on the bed. He takes off my boots, then he covers me with a blanket and kisses my forehead. “I’ll be right back,” he says, before getting his cell phone off the night stand and leaving the room, closing the door behind him. “Aaron, it’s me,” I hear him say. “She’s here, relax. No, she hasn’t said anything. I understand. I think it’s best she stays here tonight. Yes, I’ll call you as soon as I know something.” Confusion, panic, anguish: that’s what I’m feeling. The sensation that everything is about to be turned upside down, that my life could get a shock that puts everything up for discussion, and I’m not ready to face that again.

Now I’m certain there’s something everyone knows and no one wants to tell me and I know for certain that it’s about someone who used to be very close to me and now I don’t know what has happened to him. I also know that if I asked now, if I implored Aaron and the guys to tell me the truth, they wouldn’t hold back and finally I could discover who I really am and what really happened in my life. But then Liam returns to the bedroom and lays down next to me, holding me in his arms, pulling me close. And it’s the only thing I want to feel in this moment: his heat, his heart beating against my back, his touch, his breathing. The only things that seems real to me in this life that’s made of lies and things unspoken.

22

Liam I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I can’t even breathe with her next to me. Her presence is crushing me, clutters my mind and brushes away that bit of hope that was just blooming in me. I know why she’s here. I get out of bed, leaving her alone now that she’s sleeping soundly. It took a long time for her to calm down and a few trips to the bathroom because of the nausea due to the migraine. But now it seems that the worst has passed and I need to leave this room, to get away from her and the lead weight falling down on us again and that this time, it’s a problem that I’m going to have to face.

Rain said Neil’s name. We don’t know what else she may have remembered. She’s closed up in herself, wracked with confusion and aware that she’s been intentionally kept in the dark about part of her life. How could we do it? How could I do this? She trusts me blindly and I repay her in this way, inserting myself into her life, lying to her and taking advantage of her sincere sentiments. I go in the living room and sit on the couch. My head falls back on the headrest and I shut my eyes tightly, hoping it’s enough to clean out the ghosts of the past that are intent on reclaiming their rightful place in my life, in our lives. Then I open them and sit up a bit: all I see in the dark room is my guitar, that calls to me. I get up, against my will, and go to it. I hold it against my chest hoping it gives me some relief. I sit on the table with my feet up on the stool and I hold my instrument. Inexplicably, my hands move on their own and a few chords later, I know it’s not over between us, the music and I. So I try and try again and it seems like I’ve been possessed, that the words I’m singing are coming straight from my soul. So, I get a piece of paper and a pen from a drawer in the kitchen and I try to give a sense to this chaos that reigns in my head and I don’t hear

the presence behind my back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you,” I say. “Continue, please. Don’t stop for me.” “Huh, this? It wasn’t anything. Nothing important.” I put the guitar down and go to her. “Do you feel like talking?” I ask, with my heart jumping in my throat trying to suffocate me. I’m not able to live without her. “No,” she says simply. “I’m—I don’t feel ready yet.” And I don’t force it. “I need some time.” I agree. “Okay, just so you know that when you’re ready, I’m here.” She smiles and I try to swallow the lump in my throat and fill my lungs with air. “How’s the headache?” “Better, thanks.” “Good. Want to go back to bed?” I ask, moving a wisp of hair escaped from the braid behind her ear. “Only if you come with me,” she says in a quiet voice and I think I could die from this love. She holds out her hand and I squeeze it, then she invites me to follow her into the other room and I, weak as I am, cannot tell her no. I know it’s not the right moment, I know she’s just trying to forget, to

postpone the inevitable, to mix up her fears and her doubts with sex, but I’m not able to oppose her. The problem is I’ve been wanting her for ten fucking years and every time I’ve been with a woman, I imagined her eyes, her splendid hair on me, her fair skin covered in freckles that cover her shoulders. She has me sit on the bed before taking off her pajama top. She’s not wearing anything under it and I find myself immediately in front of her naked breasts. I swallow hard, before trying to stop her, but she continues to look me in the eyes. “Rain,” I say, and I realize my voice is shaking. “This isn’t what you want.” “I want you, Liam.” God, how I’ve longed to hear those words in all these years. “I know, but not now.” “Maybe you don’t want to be with me?” “Jesus, Rain, of course I do.” I take her hand and pull it towards me. I rest my face on her warm, soft stomach and breathe in her scent, something I could have only dreamed about and now she’s here, in my room, in my bed, on my body. I kiss her lightly on her hips rising to meet her breasts. Her hands play in my hair and before I know it, I’m licking her nipples that go hard as soon as they make contact with my lips.

Then I let out a tortured sigh, and I tell myself I shouldn’t, that I can’t take advantage of this situation, but before I can pull back she gets down on her knees in front of me, caressing my face and smiling teasingly. I jump on her lips and abandon every doubt and taste her as if she were my final meal. I pull her tightly to me before laying her back down on my bed. Then, I take my shirt off and lay on her. Skin on skin. Mine against hers. For the first time. The excitement running through my body goes crashing against the emotion I feel in my chest because of having her, like this, for myself. It’s a mix of sensations, thrill and pain that crash in me with devastating fury and I’m afraid I won’t be able to contain it. Because this is something I’ve only dreamed of, every single fucking night for the last ten years and I never dreamed it could really happen. I start kissing her again, sliding down her neck, leaving a path of little bites down to her shoulder blade. She shakes and moves below me as if to call me to her, to reclaim my body which belongs to her and always will. And I quickly lose control, aching with desire and passion and the love that I feel for her from the first moment I saw her and knew she couldn’t be

mine.

Rain

Liam is over me and he moves slowly, brushing against my body while he kisses, bites and inflames my skin. God, I want him. Maybe it’s not the right moment, maybe I should have waited—maybe my body is just looking to liberate itself somehow. His hand slides delicately along my neck, brushing my breast; he caresses it tenderly, sweetly playing with his thumb on my tense nipple; his tongue in my mouth, slow and sensual, his erection pressing against my legs. Then his hand slides to my waist; he stops a few seconds in order to give me time to change my mind before continuing downward. His hand slides down my pajama pants and he touches me lightly over my underwear. But I want more. I let my hands slide off his back and bring them to the elastic on my pants. Using my hips, I slide them down my legs while he helps me take them off, together with my underwear. At the sight of my naked body, Liam freezes, balancing on his elbows at the sides of my head. “Rain, I don’t know if I can—” he whispers, resting his forehead on mine. “It’s too much for

me,” he concludes, closing his eyes and kissing my forehead. “Too much—” “—You’re too much for me.” My lips start shaking and without realizing, my tears start to fall down my cheeks. Liam kisses them sweetly, rubbing his nose against my face. It’s such a sweet moment, so tender and full of emotion that I can’t stop shaking. “Everything’s okay,” he whispers in my ear. “We don’t have to do this—” “—But I want to!” “And I do too, I assure you.” He smiles at me. “But not now. Soon,” he adds, kissing me on the side of my lips. In reply I open my lips and slip my tongue in his mouth. Liam doesn’t pull back, he responds by eating me, literally, showing me how much he really wants me. His hand is on my body while I flex my back as it passes over me. He stops only a second before finding his way to enter me. I gasp and instinctively open my legs for what’s waiting for me. What I’m waiting for. But soon his hand slides away, leaving me disappointed, while his mouth leaves mine and goes down, where I ache with desire and pleasure. Liam kisses me slowly, little wet kisses along my trunk, my stomach, heading toward my inner thigh where I feel I’m going to explode into flame. He

looks at me a second, and that’s all it takes for me to understand what’s going to happen. A moment later his tongue is inside of me, hot, wet, invasive and by instinct, I grab his hair, pulling slightly, inviting him to continue diving with his face between my legs. “God, Rain…” he stops, breathing against me. “You don’t know how I’ve wanted to do this.” “Please, don’t stop.” His tongue goes back inside me while I feel his fingers in this hot mist of pleasure running through my body, concentrating between my legs. I’d like to look at him, but it’s too embarrassing for me. All I am capable of is to make some base sounds that express my frustration of not having him inside me for real. “Look at me, Rain,” he says in a loving voice, supplicating me and stopping for a few seconds. I try to open my eyes and I lift up my head to meet his, reduced to two dark intense circles I could lose myself in. I didn’t think it could be like this. I swallow hard and try to breathe normally but when his fingers start moving again and his tongue starts caressing me, I completely lose control and dig my nails into his back. Liam continues to look at me, transmitting his passion, his desire—to have me tonight, tomorrow and always. His fingers go deeper and his tongue on

me, the heat of his breath and the sensation of being exactly what this man desires most, unleash a wave of pleasure that runs through my whole body. I yell his name and a few other incomprehensible words mixed with shaking while tightly gripping his shoulders and let my body shake in his hands. Liam lays down next to me and pulls me to him with his arms. I rest my head on his chest and try to count his heartbeats, but they’re going too fast and I’m too slow. He caresses me while I feel him sigh into my hair. “This—I will never forget this, ever.” His voice is low and passionate, his desire still there. This moment is one I am sure I will never forget too. “You’re amazing, Rain. Absolutely perfect,” he says, kissing my forehead. I smile against his chest and he holds me closer to him, while I feel my eyelids getting heavier and slowly, I abandon myself to sleep.

23

Liam “We’ll have to go back to the pub.” “Oh, it’s such a nice day! Fifteen more minutes, please!” “Aaron will have a fit.” “Aaron is the prima donna in this show, he has to make a scene.” I laugh and steal another kiss to which she responds promptly. I would never tear myself away from these lips and never stop touching her hair that smells like cotton candy. “I adore your hair,” I tell her, spinning a tuft around my finger. “And I love your beard,” she replies, brushing her hand on my face. “I should cut it, I look terrible.” “I like it like that.” “Well then, I’ll let it grow to my feet. Anything for you,” I say and it’s the absolute truth. She hasn’t wanted to speak about what happened. After that night, she has calmed down, even if we all know that it’s like a clockwork bomb with a timer ready to go off. Rain is starting to remember, little details that confuse her and that she has chosen to ignore, but

which will come knocking sooner or later, demanding to be recognized. That moment could be today, tomorrow or in a year, but I’m hoping with all my heart and all the selfishness I’m capable of, that it never happens. I hope that she’s removed it, archived it, buried it in a dark corner of her mind. Now that I’m with her, I realize I’ve wasted the last few years trying to convince myself to the contrary. I wasted all that time, hoping she’d notice me. Seeing her, touching her, smiling at her; tasting her lips, her skin—I can’t think of anything else. I can’t believe I walked away from this, to even hope I would get over it, that I could live without her. My thoughts can’t help but turn to thoughts of Neil and my mood changes quickly. I pull away from her and lay down on the bench, looking at the sky, hoping that he is up there and will give me a sign, anything, to let me know I’m not making another mistake. That it’s right that I should breathe the same air as her, and not for him to be in my place. “Everything okay?” “Yeah, it’s alright.” Neil is always in my thoughts and every time Rain looks at me and not him, I feel a pain in my chest as if someone were punching me, going piece by piece and ripping out my heart and throwing it on the floor before setting it on fire.

What kind of man am I? Is this right, what I’m doing? Is it right for me to take his place, to love her and to stay with her and all of them as if nothing happened? As if Neil didn’t exist? As if she hadn’t loved him. “Maybe it’s time for us to head back,” she suggests. I nod and get up, helping her to do the same. We walk in silence to the pub without even holding hands. We both feel pensive, we both have something afflicting us. If she started to remember, for me, it would be the end of everything, the end of all my hopes and every effort I’ve made until now. If Rain remembered Neil, that night, the marriage proposal, she’d understand what a piece of shit I was, abandoning her in her moment of need, only to come back to take advantage of her infinite sweetness, to creep into her life and take someone else’s place. God, what the hell am I doing? “Excuse me, you go ahead, I just remembered something, we’ll see each other later, okay?” I say, kissing her quickly on the forehead before getting away as fast as I can from her eyes, her soul, that have seen in me something that in reality isn’t there, because otherwise, why would she have fallen in love with Neil? If she didn’t choose me then, there must have been a reason and that

reason, very probably, is still valid. I’m not the right one, Goddammit. Not the right one for her. I’ve been compromised, I’m the shell of a man, that remains after the wolves have devoured my soul that was probably destined for hell. I am the cause of every evil. I am the cause of my brother’s death. I am the cause of Rain’s problems. I am the reason for the end of our band and of our dream. I am the reason for everything. What was I thinking of, coming back here? To try and fix, what? My life? I’m the same old selfish bastard, only thinking of myself and that’s the reason why she chose Neil, because he was good and true, while I was wrong and I continue to make mistakes. I am the mistake that needs to be avoided. ~~~ “Don’t go, I beg you,” I tell her, as I pull her out of the car as delicately as possible. The rain continues to fall like it’s never going to rain again and I don’t know how to keep her dry, how to protect her, how to take care of her. I sit on the asphalt on the sidewalk, hoping someone will pass this godforsaken place. The cell

phone is gone and I can’t find Neil’s or Rain’s phone among the wreckage. The odor of blood mixed with the rain and the wet grass and of death: Neil’s death and Rain’s. And she is slowly dying in my arms and there’s nothing I can do about it. “Stay with me,” I whisper in her ear, hoping she can hear me. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” I continue to repeat while I brush her hair away from her forehead. “It’s all my fault, only mine. I never should have asked you not to do it, I should have let you marry Neil and now he’s gone and you…” I start to hiccup like a baby, holding her in my arms and caressing her face, that beautiful face that now is covered in blood. I beg you, don’t die. We remain like that for I don’t know how long, I cradle her and I reassure her, pretending she can hear me. I confess everything. I tell her about every time I caressed her while she was sleeping on the couch at our house; about every hug she gave me not knowing she was breaking my heart; her laugh that tore at my soul, killing it slowly. I talk to her about me, about my senseless love for her, about my stupidity and my biggest mistake: thinking I could forget her. At a certain point I think I faint, due to the pain in my chest that won’t let me breathe fully. I can

only hear the sirens, someone shakes me and takes away my Rain from my arms. We are laid on two stretchers and they bring us away while my semiunconscious state doesn’t permit me to focus on the images. The other one is dead I hear someone say in the distance. This one is gone. And I feel like I too have gone with them. Forever.

Rain

“Where the fuck is Liam?” Aaron asks me. “We’ve got a full house here.” “I don’t know, Aaron. He told me he had something to do and that we’d see each other later.” “I’ll try calling him.” Liam hasn’t shown up at the pub. When we said goodbye more than three hours ago, he said he had things to do, but I understood something was wrong; I should have stopped him, asked him to talk. “Still nothing?” Patrick says, approaching the counter. I shake my head and look at the glasses I’m filling with amber liquid and I suddenly understand what I have to do. “Patrick,” I say, looking at him with eyes full of hope. “Could you cover for me for a few minutes?” “Rain, we’re full up—is something wrong?” “No, everything is okay, it’s just—maybe I know where to find him.” “Well then, it’s better that I come with you, I don’t want you to be alone with him when you find him.” “What?” “Trust me, darling. It’s better for you not to be alone.” And so saying, he let’s Jay know we’ll be

gone for a little while. Jay’s jaw tightens and he looks worried before nodding to us to go. “I’ll hold the fort here. Go and see you keep me up to date.” I take off my work apron and grab my jacket while Patrick is already outside waiting. “To the lighthouse,” I say, inviting him to follow me. It doesn’t take us long to get there and even less time to pick him out, lying down, passed out on a bench. “Oh my God!” I yell, covering my mouth with my hands. “Go away, Rain,” Patrick tells me. “This isn’t something you should see. I’ll take care of this.” “I—I’m not g-going anywhere. I-I’m staying here.” Patrick shrugs his shoulders and approaches Liam, touching his wrist to feel for his pulse. “Is he…” I can’t say it. Patrick nods, giving me a sad smile. “Call Jay, tell him to sneak out immediately and not to say anything to Aaron or he won’t let him set foot in the house again.” I do as he says and gabble away to Jay, explaining everything as quickly as possible. I know it’s a muddle and Jay isn’t clear on the situation. “He’s coming,” I tell Patrick. “Good, now help me turn him. I don’t want him

to suffocate on his own vomit.” I do as I’m told and I lift him a little bit. I rest his head on my knee while Patrick turns him on his side. I caress his hair and whisper reassuring words, hoping he can hear me. The rain starts to fall on us without mercy, holding nothing back, while we’re sitting waiting for Jay to arrive with the car to bring him away. “Don’t you think we should call an ambulance?” I ask. “Nah, he’s just fainted, his breathing is regular. It would be better not to make too big a deal about this.” “What does that mean?” I ask, because I’m not able to understand. “The press, Rain, would be all over him in a few minutes. This isn’t the first time this has happened to him.” “I—don’t understand—” “He’s drunk and who knows what else, Rain! I told you he had problems, and that I didn’t want you to get dragged down in this shit!” “He—” “You still don’t get it, right? He was famous, he had money, success—and he threw it all away on drugs and alcohol—all gone. All our dreams in the toilet!” “A-all our d-dreams?” “Patrick!” Jay yells furiously, coming running,

overhearing Patrick’s words. “What the hell are you saying?” “The truth! Somebody has to tell her!” “Shut up, you idiot! It’s not your place.” “Look, Jay, there’s nothing we can do for him. Nothing! He’s ruined himself and I’m not going to let him destroy her too!” “That’s not your decision, Patrick. And now let’s bring him home.” “Ah no, I’ve done my duty as a friend. You deal with it if it’s so important to you,” he snaps, raising his arms before leaving us alone. Jay shakes his head and brushes aside the hair from his face, which is by now completely soaked. “Are you able to give me a hand?” he asks me. “O-of course.” “Help me lift him then, we’ll bring him home.”

24

Liam “Welcome back!” A voice wakes me from the confusion and lethargy I find myself in. “Mmm.” “How do you feel?” “Like I’ve had a stomach pump.” “You can thank yourself for that, buddy.” “What?” “I think you know.” I close my eyes, trying to organize my thoughts and slowly the last things I did before I lost my senses come back to me. I was with Rain, we were fine. Then I started thinking about Neil, the accident— “Fuck!” I curse, rubbing my eyes with my hands. “Yep. A big mess.” “Rain—” “She’s the one who found you.” “Shit!” “What a full vocabulary you have.” “And why are you here?” I ask, surprised that Aaron is next to me and hasn’t kicked me out on the street.

“And what should I do? Kick you out of the house, out of our lives? Out of hers? What would that help? Would it help me to live better? No Liam, nothing would make me feel better, believe me. She was worried. Patrick said—” “What?” I lift myself up, trying to put my feet on the ground, but my head is spinning and I’m not able to stand. “Stay down. You’ve been out of it for two days.” “What did he tell her?” “Enough. Now she’s confused and she doesn’t understand how to take it all in. I tried to talk to her, but she doesn’t want to face it. She needs time. You made a big mess my friend, a big, big mess and now you’re going to have to clean it up.” “I don’t know if I can do it, if it’s right to do it. Maybe it’s better if I go, that she forgets about me, that she goes on with her life.” “Ah no. You’re not going to deal with this by running away again. You told me that you would stay. Do you remember that? And I believed you and I let you get close to her. You can’t turn your back on her now. She—I think she’s in love with you. I’ll ignore the reasons, but Rain is like that, what can you do?” “She—in love with me?” “Yep. A fucking mess, don’t you think? And regarding yourself, what can you tell me?”

“Me—what?” “Don’t be an asshole with me. Be honest.” “What do you want to know?” “The truth. All of it. From the beginning. And this time don’t try to sell me a pile of crap, because I won’t give you another chance to level with me.” I let out a big sigh and let my head fall back on the pillow. “You remember that night—we were in the basement at my house. It must have been dinner time. Your ma was looking for you and you pretended like you couldn’t hear her. And then Rain appeared on the stairs. She was wearing—” “—Those fucking monkey pajamas.” I smile. “I fell in love with her that night.” “Jesus, that’s a long time ago,” Aaron says. I nod and exhale deeply. “Then how did she end up with Neil?” “He also fell in love with her that night,” I say submissively. “What a fuckin’ mess.” “What could I have done? He was—he was Neil, my little brother. Sweet, sensible, with a good head on his shoulders. I just wanted to get out of this place and find success, remember? A new life away from our shitty past. No breaks, no ties, no broken hearts left behind. I simply believed I would get over it. But the years went by and she was always on my mind. Everything passed, but not her,

Aaron, she never did. I did everything I could to put ideas of her out of my mind, but she was always there. Her laugh, God, Aaron. She smiles with her heart and soul—and those eyes: two raw emeralds that you’d like to keep for yourself, to keep safe, protect and look upon until your eyes close due to the force of gravity. And her legs—” “Hey, that’s my sister you’re talking about.”

“She’s one of a kind, Aaron. She is infinitely sweet, sensitive—she has an immense heart and I would have done anything to have had even a little part of it. I remember her with those kids at school during the shows where she made everyone participate.” He sighs in regret. “She just stood out among everyone. I remember I imagined both of us, more than once, in the garden behind your house with a boy on the swing, a child with her beautiful golden red hair. I thought she would have been a wonderful mother.” Aaron’s face turns dark at this because we both know full well that this is one dream that will never come true. “I was crazy in love with her, but I waited until the last minute, until I really risked losing her forever before telling her how I felt.” “And Rain? How did she feel about you?” “Ah, I don’t know, dammit. One time, Aaron, we kissed one time two days before the accident. But in that moment I felt like there was something there between us and that I couldn’t do without her.” “Talk to me about the accident, what happened right before. And this time I want the unedited version.” I nod and I understand that the moment has

come for Aaron to know what happened, so that he understands it was my fault alone. “It’s not like that,” he says after I tell him everything. Every time I open myself up to someone I feel my heart lighten a bit. “It happened, Liam,” he tells me. “Surely she did feel something for you and surely she didn’t want to marry Neil. You know how much I liked your brother, but I think she had already decided. I realized there was something between you two the first time you came back to the pub after your return. For as emotional as she is, her eyes, Liam, her eyes do not betray her, and in her eyes I saw love. And I’m not talking about a fancy, I’m talking about something that has always been there, under the surface, something that was just waiting to be brought to light.” “I’m sure you’re wrong, it’s not like that.” “Trust me, I know what I’m saying. And judging by what you did for her that night, I know you feel the same.” “I didn’t do anything,” I say, closing my eyes, covering them with my arm. “Five hours in the pouring rain. You were there with her until dawn until a truck driver found you on the side of the street. You held her close to you all night to keep her warm, even though you were just as cold. You risked your life my friend, your

ribs, you had a punctured lung, you could have died. Do you think I don’t know that, Liam? You kept her alive, speaking to her, being near her, giving up the idea of going to search for help on the street and leaving her to die alone on the asphalt. The paramedics told me they weren’t able to separate you from her.” “Neil asked me to—” “—I know what Neil asked you and I know what you would have done anyway. Because you, Liam, are better than you think you are. You saved her. I know it and you know it.” “It’s not true, it was all my fault.” “Liam.” He rests his hand on my shoulder. “I’m really sorry to tell you this, but the only one at fault was Neil, who was driving drunk, and pushed down too hard on the accelerator and didn’t think about protecting the people he had in the car with him.” I clench my fists to placate the emotions that are about to explode out of my chest. “It’s not your fault, okay?” he stresses. “And don’t think you’re doing something disloyal to him for being here. You have to continue to live and you have to also do it for her. I don’t think Neil would have wanted for you and Rain to be separated, you know? You said it yourself, that he was good and sensitive and I’m sure wherever he is, he’s smiling down at you.” “Then why do I feel like this? Why does the

guilt when I’m with her annihilate me so bad that I can’t breathe?” “Liam, I think you can’t breathe even when you’re away from her, judging from what you’ve written,” he tells me, showing me the paper where I had written down a few phrases some weeks ago. “It’s just a bunch of bullshit, I’m not good at writing, you know. And what’s more, I’m not interested in it.” “Well, if you don’t mind, I’d like to try a few chords to go with the lyrics you’ve written,” Aaron says. “I already have a few chords, to tell you the truth.” “Well then, let me hear it,” he says, bringing me the guitar. I sit up straight and lean my back into the headboard. I take the guitar in my hands and start shaking. I’ve never written anything by myself. I’ve always had someone help me. Before, it was Neil, who was the heart of our music, then it was the writers at the recording house. I’m not good at these things, not able to express my emotions, to put it all down on paper. And yet just being near her, her trust, her warmth made me cry like a baby as I wrote these disconnected phrases full of love. With cold, uncertain fingers, I try strumming the chords that I had in my head and humming and singing lazily a few of the words I had written. I

feel slow, out of practice and out of my head, but I do it and maybe it’s good for me, to get in touch with my feelings. What I realize now is that I can’t hide, and don’t want to. “I’d say that maybe we have something we can work with here,” Aaron says as soon as I finish. “I told you, this isn’t for me. And then, look at what state playing this music reduces me to.” “We can do it. We have to do it. For ourselves, for Neil and for Rain. Do you really want her to live in this fake normality for the rest of her life?” I hadn’t thought of it like that. That this life could be nothing but pretense, that after the accident she found herself in this situation and had to get used to living this way. “You think that she—” “—Let’s start by getting to know our instruments again,” Aaron says forcefully. “By getting to know each other again, and especially by dusting ourselves off, Liam. For you, there are a few simple rules.” “I thought we had already dealt with all that.” “The rules have changed because of what’s happened.” “Okay, shoot.” “First: Don’t you dare ever get high, take any kind of garbage, or drink more than one beer every other day. Second: Do not permit my sister to come pick you up in the street drunk, high or worse. And

finally, never show up late for work, always bring her home at a reasonable hour and especially, never go to bed with her.” “Aaron—” “I’m not joking. The last point is fundamental. I could rip your balls off.” I smile, shaking my head. “She’s my sister, Liam. She’s my family. I am trusting you with the most precious thing I have. Don’t screw anything else up.” “I don’t think I deserve your trust.” “Sure, maybe you don’t, it’s true, but if she’s seen something in you, it means I have to give you a chance and that I have to give the same chance to her too.” “I love her, Aaron.” “I know,” he says, giving me a resigned smile. “She’s my reason for living.” “I know that too, Liam. You came here looking for something, wanting to fix Rain’s life, to help her, to be close to her, but the truth is that you’re the one who needs her, her strength—because she is strong—and her love. You thought you would save her, instead—” “—I wanted to save her. I wanted to give her my life, you know? I wanted to give her everything I had to give. And instead, it was her who gave me hers, and she’s the one who saves me every day, from my pain, my anger and my loneliness. And

especially, from myself.”

Rain

“Hi.” “Hey, how—how are you?” “I’ve seen better days. May I?” I nod and sit up straight on the hammock making space for him. “I don’t know where to start,” Liam tells me, looking straight out in front of him. “I’m a disaster, Rain. Maybe it’s not a good idea for you and I—” “—I understand,” I whisper, before swallowing hard, the knot forming in my throat. “You are simply perfect. I’m the one that’s wrong for you.” I don’t respond, I wouldn’t be able to without breaking out into tears. “I’ve had some problems, and to be honest, I still have them. I ruined my life, I don’t want to ruin yours too. You understand that, right? “No,” I say, holding back the tears. “No, n-no, I don’t understand and I d-don’t agree.” “It’s better like this, believe me. Maybe we could be friends.” “Friends?” I say, jumping to my feet. I look right into his eyes. They are vacant, sad and melancholy, just like the first time I met him. “I don’t want to be your friend, Liam.” He stands up too and takes my hands in his,

bringing them to his lips. “God, Rain, you have no idea how I wish I was the right one for you. I’d like to be the man you think I am, the man you want, but it isn’t like that.” “And i—if it was?” I say, letting the first tear fall. “If you were the one I wanted?” “Is it true?” “I—just forget it, I’m stupid.” I let his hands go and turn my back to him, moving away a few steps. “Please don’t say that about yourself. You’re not stupid.” “Maybe I am for you, Liam. I know who you were—who you are. Liam O’Reilly, talented musician, two successful albums, hooked on women, alcohol, drugs—and who knows what else. What would you want with somebody like me?” “No, Rain, no! Don’t even think it!” “That’s fine, I understand. Could you take me with you, on tour? To the parties, the events? No. I certainly wouldn’t help you make a good impression. I’d only embarrass you.” “Jesus, no! It’s not like that at all. I have given up that life. I came here to start over, to leave all that behind me. I’m clean now and I’m sorry for the big mistake I made the other night. I was an idiot, but it won’t happen again, I swear. I’d just like to be better than I am, just for you,” he says finally while I swallow my tears, try to ignore my

heart and this stupid love. I turn slowly and find myself a few breaths away from him. I can’t stop shaking as I lift my hand to caress his pale, tired face. He puts his hand over mine and it doesn’t matter to me what he was, what happened or what he’s done. All I care about is him, the fact that he’s here, in front of me, even if I don’t know how long he’ll stay, how much time will pass before he realizes I’m not worth it, that I’m not the right one for him, that I can never make him happy. Now I want to brush my lips on his and feel those goosebumps I get when our bodies meet. I want his taste in my mouth and his scent on my skin. I close the distance between us to zero and hope I’m doing the right thing, and not making a total mistake, pressing my lips against his, before closing my eyes and throwing myself into the darkness. “Rain,” he whispers into my mouth. “I can’t back away from you like this.” “Is that what you want? You want t-to get away from me?” I say, continuing to kiss him sweetly. “No—I don’t want to. But it’s not right for you.” “Shh—let me decide, please. Everyone decides for me, everyone thinks they know what I want, but the truth is I’m able to make my own decisions by myself and I’d like you, now, to leave me free to make my own choice.” He separates from me and looks me straight in

the eyes. His calm sea has become a hurricane, a torment of suffering and I want all this to end. I want to see him in peace, serene and—in love. “I choose you, Liam O’Reilly. I choose you, okay? I don’t care what you’ve done or what you could do. Even if you decide to go someday, to go back to your other life, I choose you. I would choose you a thousand times.” “Oh Christ, Rain—you’re making this so much more difficult.” “Life is difficult, Liam. Choices are difficult. Love is—difficult, but we don’t close it out of our lives because it’s hard.” “Love?” he asks, with fear and insecurity in his eyes. “Love,” I whisper against his lips. “I can’t give you what you want, Liam. I’m not like other women, and I never will be. But my heart is yours, if you want it.” “God, Rain—you are already giving me so much more than I could ever expect from life,” he says, his voice rising. “I am in love with you, Rain, and it couldn’t be otherwise.” “You—lo-love me?” I ask incredulously. “Yes.” He smiles, caressing my face. “I am in love with you, Rain O’Donovan, and it’s been so easy, so natural, so spontaneous—I don’t remember how it used to be before I met you. I love you completely, with everything I have, my heart, my

head, my body—I love every little detail about you and I can’t imagine not being with you.” “Oh—” is all I’m able to say before breaking out sobbing. “Don’t cry, Rain. I can’t bear to see you cry, I can’t stand it.” “I—I can’t b-believe it.” “Believe it.” He smiles. “You can’t love me.” “Oh yes, I can. I love you. Just you. And I promise that I’ll do my best not to disappoint you again.” “But—if one day you woke up and decided to settle down and have a family, I…” He dries my tears with his lips, kissing every centimeter of my face until stopping at my mouth. “I choose you, Rain O’Donovan, I want only you and nothing else matters to me,” he says in a warm whisper against my lips. I run my hands through his hair and step closer to his body, to feel the jolt his nearness gives me every time. I feel that for me, something’s there, perhaps all isn’t lost and it’s there for Liam too— and maybe a little corner of happiness exists for us. If I really am the one he wants, then I’ll take care of him, I’ll love him and I’ll help him out of whatever this thing is that is doing this harm to him. I’ll help him free his heart from the weight it carries and I’ll help him to feel lighter, freer and loved.

Liam O’Reilly, I’ll help you get your life back on its feet. “I love you,” he whispers in my ear. “I have always loved you, Rain.” He sighs and I can barely hear it, while he squeezes me in his arms. Don’t do it. His eyes are imploring me from the rearview mirror. I can’t do it. I can’t marry him. And while the sound of the crash hurts my eardrum, my world goes to pieces, shattering before my eyes.

25

Liam “Hey, buddy, can we chat?” Patrick asks. “Outta my way, Patrick. We don’t have anything to talk about.” “Come on, don’t be an asshole. I’d like to explain.” “I think you’ve already done enough.” “Five minutes. I’ll wait for you in the back.” And Patrick goes, leaving me at the bar counter alone. “Shit!” I curse, leaving my apron and following him. “Okay, you’ve got exactly five minutes, but just be aware that I could start punching you.” “And I’d deserve it. For what I said and for having left you alone the other night.” “What do you want, Patrick?” “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it. It wasn’t my business.” “Yes, I know.” “Try to understand. You left us here to try and deal with all this shit that was really messed up. Then you come back after having enjoyed everything that we all dreamed about.” “I’ve already said I’m sorry.” “Yeah, but for us, for me—it was really hard

watching you fuck up our chance, our only chance of success. You took for yourself what was meant for all of us.” “I didn’t take anything away from you. You were the ones who didn’t go after it.” “Maybe because we expected you to do the same. Neil was your fuckin’ brother!” I sigh heavily before sitting down on a case of beer. I mess up my hair, trying to clear my thoughts and shake my head a few times so those thoughts don’t assail me again, but it’s not enough. “I didn’t want to do it,” I tell him. “I wasn’t thinking. I was destroyed. The only thing I wanted was to get away from the situation. To forget it and never come back. I didn’t want to take the place of our band. They had offered us that complete contract, the European tour and all that money. You didn’t even want to talk about it. Neil was dead and Rain was in that condition. I just wanted to get away from the pain and everything that could make me remember what went wrong. The manager showed up at my doorstep. I was drunk, hurt and completely in pieces. And I signed it, okay? I made a mistake, I should not have done it, but for me it was the only way out.” “I can imagine it, but I can’t understand it, I’m sorry. I’m still angry with you, and I always will be because you blew it for us in the band and you left her.”

“Don’t talk about her, Patrick,” I say, raising my voice a few tones and getting to my feet. In two steps we’re face to face, and I’m ready to challenge him. “Don’t include her in this because you don’t know jack shit about it,” I spit, clenching my fists, trying to stop myself from hitting him. “And you’re wrong again,” he tells me. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Do you really think I didn’t realize, or that the others didn’t notice? Your love for her was everywhere. It was in your hands when you angrily struck your chords. It was in your eyes when she came into the basement to bring us something to drink and you, like an idiot, couldn’t stop looking at her. It was in all of the pints you downed in ten years trying to forget and drown your feelings. It was in every stupid, fucking, long, sad ‘brotherly’ hug you gave her—it was in every single part of you.” “What are you saying?” “Neil always knew it, Liam. He was your brother, he knew you better than anyone else, maybe even better than you know yourself.” “No, that’s not true. It’s not possible. He would have beaten me, he would have kicked me out of the band, away from her—” “You really think so? Neil wasn’t like that.” No, Neil wasn’t like that. I was like that. I can’t believe it! My brother knew how I felt and he let me get close to her year after year, day after day. He really loved her, not like me. Because his love was selfless and sincere, not like mine. He loved her enough to let her go. I wanted her with all of myself. I wanted her only for myself. “Why do you think he went on so much with

that story about getting married, huh?” I raise my head and meet his eyes. “What?” “You heard me. Why do you think he pushed her for an answer? Do you really think it was just so he wouldn’t have to leave her here? It was because he wanted her to decide once and for all who to love.” “No, that’s bullshit.” I lean my forehead on the cool surface of the outside metal door, which soothes my head a bit. It’s hammering incessantly, as if it wants to explode and just end this torture. “Neil was special,” he begins, sitting on the floor next to me. Slowly I lift my head from the door and turn, resting my shoulders on the smooth surface before sliding onto the floor too. “He was one of those good people who just couldn’t be angry with you, who avoids a fight at any cost, who is a gift for the family, for his friends and for the woman he loves.” Patrick is right. Neil was exactly like that. His words open up a fault line in my chest that trembles and once again makes me feel like a piece of shit. A man who doesn’t deserve to be called a man. He loved me, loved the guys and more than anything, he loved her, in a way that I have never

loved and perhaps never will. His was an unconditional love that was pure and he would have done anything to see her happy, even if that meant she was in my arms. “Liam,” Patrick puts a hand on my shoulder to shake me from my negative thoughts. “You know what pisses me off the most? The fact that you’re wasting everything. He died and you’re pissing away your life, his too as well as all of ours. We had a dream and maybe right now it seems impossible for you to start dreaming with us, but I believe the moment has come for you to honor his memory, to go ahead and to bring to term what we started so many years ago in that moldy basement where dreams, big emotions and music reigned.” “But I—I’m not able to take his place.” “And you don’t have to, his place will remain empty forever in the band, in our lives and in Rain’s life too. But you can occupy your place, the place you deserve. With us and maybe with her. You aren’t Neil and you don’t have to substitute for him. You’re Liam and we want Liam. And Rain— Rain loves you. She loved you.” “No, no—no,” I say, shaking my head. “She loved him.” “At the beginning, perhaps. But then things changed. She loved you.” “And how do you know?” Patrick breaks out into a hysterical laugh. “You

think I’m some kind of asshole, I know that, you all do. But you know, sometimes being a jerk like me, being cold and cynical, allows you to see things in a different light. It permits you to see things clearly without sentimental hang-ups.” I rest my head backwards and close my eyes tightly. I cannot believe what he’s telling me. I cannot believe that Neil could see all of this. “You love her, right?” “More than my own life.” “Well then, love her. Bring her back, and bring my friend back, because I miss him.” I lift my head and look at him. His eyes are moist and his voice has been reduced to a base, guttural sound, which makes me understand he’s holding back his emotions just like I am. “What should I do?” I ask, defeated and tired. “What you have to do with her—I think I don’t have to explain that to you, right?” I burst out in a smile. “I can tell you what you have to do for yourself and for us. Come back to us, come back to music. Let’s try it again together. We’ll forget the past and bury the pain. Let’s dedicate ourselves to what we know how to do best, even if just for the pleasure of doing it like we used to.” “I’m in.” A voice interrupts us from the door. “How long have you been there?” I ask, seeing Aaron standing at the door in front of us.

“Too long. I’ve had to absorb all your blubbering mush. Patrick is right, however, let’s take this chance, let’s do it for ourselves, for all of us.” “Count me in too,” Jay adds from behind Aaron’s shoulders. “What the hell? You’re all here, huh?” Patrick says, with a fake air of indignity. He stands up and gives me his hand. I get up too. The guys gather around us and Jay holds his hand out in front of him, a gesture of brotherhood and unity, waiting for us all to do the same. “The Four Reasons to Die are back,” he says, inviting us all to add our hands to his. Patrick imitates him immediately, slapping the palm of his hand onto Jay’s. Aaron adds his hand to theirs, then looks at me before hitting me with his shoulder as if to say: come on, don’t be an asshole. I look at their three hands, one on the other, and I can’t avoid thinking of the one who isn’t there and who will be missing forever. But now, it’s just us, us four and we have a duty and also the right to give ourselves another possibility. “So be it,” I say, letting out a long breath that wipes out every doubt, and placing my hand on theirs.

Rain

“Hey, what’s happening here?” I go downstairs because some noises woke me up and I find the guys in the living room, sitting on the floor, with their instruments and papers all over the place. Liam gets up and comes to meet me. He slides his hand behind my head, pulling me to him and giving me a light kiss on the lips. “Hello, darling, did we wake you up?” “No, I mean yes, but it’s not important.” “Sorry,” Aaron interjects. “What are you guys doing?” “We’re practicing, we’re trying to put something together.” “Huh?” My dubious expression makes them nervous. They exchange furtive glances while Liam lets his hand drop away and takes a few steps away from me. Then he looks at me with dreamy and emotional eyes and tells me what they’re planning to do. “And so, you all want to take up playing again?” “We really never stopped, but we needed a singer and so—” “And you? You’re going to play with them?” I ask Liam, tilting my head to the side.

“Yes,” he says, letting out a long sigh. “I’ll play with them. Is that alright with you?” “S-sure, why wouldn’t it be?” The tension that had accumulated in his shoulders melts away and his face light up with a big smile and I think how fabulous it is to see him so calm at last. “And okay, well—what are you thinking of doing?” “For now, we’re just getting our instruments and trying them out, we’ll do a few nights down the pub, maybe to get back in shape. We’re out of practice.” Aaron smiles at me and finally his face seems relaxed and his mood has definitely improved too. “We’ll try to be quieter, you go back to sleep.” “Can I—Can I stay? I promise I won’t bother you.” The guys shrug their shoulders like it’s not important at all, but Liam looks at me uncertainly, as if he didn’t have the courage to tell me what he thinks. “If it’s a problem for you I can go.” “No—no. I would be happy to have you here. It’s just, you could be a distraction—you know?” he continues with a secretive expression. Aaron clears his throat and I let out a nervous laugh. “Remember the rules,” Aaron warns him.

“Fuck your rules.” Liam answers him back in the same tone, giving him the finger. “What rules?” I ask in a whisper. “Nothing you need to worry about,” Liam tells me in a tone of voice that gives me a sample of something I’m not completely prepared for. Since we’ve cleared the air between us we haven’t had very much time alone together and the thought that ‘it’ could happen soon makes me anxious and excited. “I’m going to go make myself a cup of tea. You boys go on as if I weren’t here, okay?” Liam kisses me again and smiles at me before sitting down again with the others. “Do you want anything?” I ask as I put the kettle on. “No thanks, Rain,” Aaron answers for everyone. They must be really concentrated. I prepare myself a tea and look for some shortbread in the cupboard. Then I sit on the stool in the kitchen where I can’t see them but I can hear their comments. I like seeing them like this, all of them united together in music which I understand is so important in their lives. The pub is just a distraction, something that gave us some stability after the accident, but I always hoped for them that it wouldn’t be enough. I’d like them to find their place in the world, so that they could follow the

natural course of their lives and that they wouldn’t be forced to take care of me forever. Suddenly, it occurs to me that they really could go away one day, individually or as a band, and I would remain completely alone in the world. But at the same time, I know that Aaron would never do that, he wouldn’t leave me. He’d feel an obligation to take care of me. And I don’t want that to happen.

And Liam—he’s just come into my life, I’m not ready to lose him. Not now, not yet. My biggest fear is though, that I never will be sure of him, because even though I’ve only known him for a short while and things are complicated, I know that he’s a part of something marvelous, a part of me and my world, my nothingness which transformed into everything since he’s been with me. “Hey.” A warm breath on my collar sends chills up my spine. “Hey.” I turn towards him, just slightly. “Everything okay?” “Of course.” “I just wanted to steal another kiss.” And he gently brushes my lips. At that touch, I go rigid and move back a bit against my will. “You okay? Have I done something?” “No,” I say too quickly. “You haven’t done anything,” I reassure him, putting some distance between us. Don’t do it. The words hammer in my head. They attack me violently: a shooting pain in my brain that feels like it could break my cranium in two. I have always loved you. Instinctively, I bring my hands to my head as if to avoid the inevitable, the memories that insist on

surfacing but that perhaps my mind would prefer to keep forgotten, so as to avoid the end of all this. “It’s just a migraine, I’m going to go back to my room.” “Is there something I can do?” “No.” I try to smile at him. I’m confused and I feel lost, I’m not ready to face the past. Not now. I’m a coward, I know. I’m hiding my head in the sand, avoiding speaking, asking, connecting the dots. “I’m going to go lay down, alright?” “Can I stop by later to tell you goodnight?” “I’m counting on it.” I try to appear uninterested while my head is ready to explode and let out everything it’s been holding in for these last two years. Don’t go, I beg you. Stay here with me. I’m not ready to face the past. I’m not ready to open that door and get upset by the truth. I’m not ready to let all this vanish and go backwards. I’m not ready to know who Neil was and what he represented for me.

26

Liam “God, I am nervous. My hands are sweating and I’m almost ready to shit myself.” Patrick starts laughing almost indecently. “What, you, the big rock star?” he jokes. “Don’t make fun of him, Patrick.” Jay comes to my rescue. “And you Liam, calm down. It’s just a godforsaken pub in a little godforsaken village.” “Hey, take it easy! It’s our godforsaken pub,” Aaron adds. “Have a bit of respect.” “Ours or not, it’s still a hell of a dive,” Patrick interrupts. “Okay, none of you are helping me here.” I try to take some deep breaths. I think I need a bowl to vomit into. I’ve never been so nervous, Jesus, even in front of hundreds of fans. Going back to playing music with them, and her here—it’s all so damned difficult and emotional at the same time. I do feel Neil’s absence next to me, but he is always there in my heart and I hope he approves, wherever he is. “Let’s go. It’s not even a full house tonight and they’re all on their third pint anyway. I don’t think it really matters how we play,” Aaron adds. “Great, idiot, now I do feel better, thanks,” I say

to Aaron who laughs it off while spinning the drumsticks between his fingers. “Maybe what’s bothering you is there, behind the counter.” Jay accompanies his words with a nod of the head. He’s right. I don’t care about the people, the drunks, about being off-key, or of playing the wrong chords. I’m only afraid that she might remember, that she’ll connect the music or the group to Neil and that I am going to be forced to tell her everything. And I don’t want to lose her. “Perfect,” Aaron adds. “We’ll never go out.” Rain is at the counter with Erin, both of them smiling, and I wink as soon as she looks at me. God, those eyes. They could do anything to me, even punch me and I wouldn’t care. She could do anything to me and I’d let her do it like I did ten, five, even three years ago. If only… I shake my head and try to get it together, while Rain comes towards me. “H-hey.” “Hey,” I whisper and I can’t stay away from her lips even a second. “What the fuck, Liam! That’s my sister,” Aaron yells with fake indignation. I smile at her, slide my fingers along the belt loops of her jeans and pull her toward me with a

tug. She puts her hands on my chest and my heart accelerates out of control as if it were about to explode, to come out of my body and show everyone in the world what it is. Hers. I put my lips on hers again and I taste her, bite after bite while her body shakes the second it makes contact with mine. “I’d like you to stay with me tonight,” I say into her lips. “Oh.” She blushes. I’ve embarrassed her. “I want you to sleep in my bed, Rain, because I can’t stand being away from you a second longer. Only for this, I promise you.” I lie. “O-okay,” she says before moving slowly away from me and I go back to my position, even more agitated and impatient than before. “Everything alright, buddy?” Jay rests his hand on my shoulder. “Yes,” I reply without turning around and then I take a deep breath. “Everything’s alright.” I look at Aaron who is a few meters away and makes a sign that it’s time to get started and I limit myself to shrugging my shoulders and look at Rain, who is talking with Erin. I decide to concentrate, to dedicate myself, my thoughts and my emotions, which are coming straight from my stomach and my heart and have

come rushing at me like a train with no brakes, without fear, without regret and without burden because for me it’s as natural as breathing to love this woman. It’s something that is spontaneous and uncontrolled; and although all things considered: the pain, the loss, the mistakes, I feel like loving her is the only good thing I’ve done in my life. Loving her is my life. So, I nod to the guys: I’m ready. I take a breath, I look at her and smile like I never have in my life and I give her all I have to give: I’m not a perfect person/There’s many things I wish I didn’t do/ But I continue learning/ I never meant to do those things to you…/And so I have to say before I go/that I just want you to know. I’ve found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/And the reason is you. I’ve found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/And the reason is you/ I’ve found a reason to show/A side of me you didn’t know/A reason for all that I do/And the reason is you.5 Because she is my only reason. She is my reason. She is the reason why my heart continues to beat incessantly, in unison with hers.

Rain

How could I not go to him and sleep in his bed, in his arms tonight, tomorrow and all the days that are to come? How could I break away from him after his words, that song? After he poured out all his love in those lyrics I see now, clearly in front of my eyes and I feel his love all around me like a strong, reassuring hug. Like a blanket in winter that cuddles you and keeps you warm. Like the rain that tickles your face and makes you feel alive, makes you feel everything, every emotion, every thrill.

I feel everything. I feel him on my skin and in my heart, as if it had always been there, as if it were something that has always been a part of me. As if I had known him forever. As if I had loved him forever. And there, in his lucid, emotional eyes, I see myself. I see myself again. I see myself again at the top of the stairs wearing my pink monkey pajamas. I see myself again trying to study for finals, sitting on the lawn in the garden while he strums his guitar. I see myself again crying in his arms the day my mother died. I see myself again at my my father’s funeral, kneeling next to the tombstone while he invites me to get up and and have courage.

I hear his words that reassure me, that tell me I’ll never be alone, because I’m part of the family, his family. I hear his voice congratulating me for my degree, telling me he’s proud of me for what I have become. I feel his arms lifting me off the living room floor and setting me down gently on my bed. I feel him take off my glasses and close my book, setting it on the nightstand. I feel his lips brush my forehead and his voice wishing me sweet dreams. I hear his laughter, together with someone else laughing at me and making fun of me after the children used permanent marker on my face. I feel his desperation in the moment he asks me not to do it. I feel his tears on my face, mixed with the rain, while he asks me to stay, to not die. I feel his pain as he asks me not to leave, that he implores me to live, to not abandon him. I feel his love running through me, in my veins and on my skin. I feel his love surround me and quench my thirst, day after day, for years, my whole life, forever. I feel his love, I feel it distinctly. I feel his life running alongside mine and I feel that I have always loved him.

Liam is part of me, not from today, not for a month and not since our first meeting.

Liam has been part of my life, and even if I don’t know exactly for how long, I feel it, his constant presence, impressed on my heart, even if my mind isn’t able to connect all of the events, actions, situations. My heart knows. My heart has not forgotten him. “Hey, Rain, is everything okay?” Erin asks me, looking a bit worried. I blink a few times and feel the migraine erupting in my temples. “It’s—it’s just a migraine.” “Are you sure? You’re white, I’m worried. Should I call Aaron? Or Liam?” “No!” I stop her short. “Don’t tell anyone.” “Whatever you say, but I’m not comfortable with this.” “Everything’s fine. I’m going upstairs to Liam’s room to lay down a bit.” “Okay, I’ll tell him you’re up there.” “Thanks.” I smile. “See you later,” I tell her, giving her a kiss on the cheek and leaving those knotted up thoughts and flashes that make me lose my lucidity and bring me further away from my reality, the one I made for myself and that I defend with nail and tooth, because I don’t want to ruin everything now, when things seem to be going well, just when I think I’ve found something I’ve always

been looking for. I go to Liam’s apartment and the door is unlocked. The door to our homes is always open. Another flash, accompanied by a dizzy spell. With great effort, I make it to the bedroom but before I can lay down, my stomach calls, announcing its intention to revolt against me. I turn around and go towards the bathroom and make it just in time to kneel down. As I vomit out my soul, hugging the toilet, I cry and cry some more because everything is coming to light, everything is here in front of my eyes like a bad dream that I wish I could not remember. Because now I know Aaron lied to me, and Jay and Patrick lied to me. That Liam lied to me. My life is a farce, a big fat lie, it’s all a bluff. And as I vomit the last piece of my integrity, I realize that nothing will be like it was before and that I’m one step away from losing everything. A step away from losing the man I love.

27

Liam “Hi, how do you feel?” I ask her. “Mmm.” “Don’t lift your head, stay down. Erin told me you got a migraine.” “How’d it go downstairs?” she asks me in a weak voice. She doesn’t even have the strength to speak. “It went,” I reply, lying down next to her, careful not to move too much. “It was—strange, but nice.” “Strange—why?” “It’s been a long time since I’ve touched a guitar and I didn’t think I’d ever pick one up again.” “What made you change your mind?” “You, Rain.” She turns slowly and cuddles up to me in my arms, resting her head between my neck and my shoulder. “You brought me back, you gave me my life back. You’ve given me hope and dreams and— love. You are the love of my life, Rain O’Donovan. Never leave me again.” It slipped out. I pull her tighter to me, as if it were enough to eat those last words I said. But they came out without me thinking about it, straight

from my heart because it’s what I feel and I can’t contain it. Rain doesn’t respond, she takes a few deep breaths before lifting her head slightly, looking for my lips. She kisses me lightly and I fall. One, two, ten times. A free fall with nothing to slow it, like something you’d see in a film. I fall without hope that someone might be there to catch me and maybe I don’t even care. I want to fall, I want to crash on the ground and see my heart bounce meters away and remain unarmed on the pavement. I want to fall and never get up, because I feel and I know this is the last time. The last time I’ll hold her in my arms. In her kisses, there’s desperation, there’s anger, there’s resentment, desire and love. On her lips, there’s everything. On her lips I feel the bitter taste of goodbye, the last goodbye. So, I let Rain be mine, just this once and it’ll have to be enough. I let her turn on her back and I slowly pull her blouse over her head. A deep breath, maybe two or three, and I take mine off too. Then I kiss her slowly, softly, to lengthen this moment that is ours alone. I pant in her mouth and let myself be taken, without resistance, towards the end.

My end. Our end. Rain caresses the back of my head and a shooting pain takes my breath away, like someone hit me with all his strength right in the chest so I can no longer breathe in air or life. I slide my tongue into her mouth and I invade her with me, my sense of guilt, my mistakes and my pain. She slides her hands on the buttons of my jeans and slowly unbuttons them. Every button takes five years off my lifespan. “Rain, are you sure?” She doesn’t answer, but continues to kiss me, while I try to take off my jeans which are stuck around my thighs. We separate a minute to allow me to undress, while she rests on her elbows and she looks at me sadly, defeated. It breaks my heart in two. I close my eyes a few seconds, I’m not sure this is the right thing to do: for as much as I want her, for as much as I have to feel her skin against mine, I don’t know if I can let myself go like this, melt my body with hers and then go back to my darkness, my nothingness. My life without her. I don’t know that I’ll be able to breathe without her. Rain takes her pants off and in a second we’re both in our underwear. And she looks at me deeply and says a few words that throw me into the abyss and chain me to it.

“Just this one time, please.” I throw myself on her lips, keeping in the tears and the rage that are pushing to escape, but which I could not let out onto her. I kiss her as if it were the last kiss before being sentenced to death. I kiss her like tomorrow will never come. I kiss her like human beings were about to cease to exist. I kiss her like I never have before and like I never will again. I take her underpants off and she does the same with my boxers. I caress her legs slowly, rising up to the inner thigh. I feel the heat of her skin and the passion around her causing her to arch her back, pushing towards me. I touch her intimately and then enter her with a finger. Rain moves against me, asking me with her body to continue, to not stop to give her everything before taking it all away. She opens completely for me, she lays back and relaxes and I continue touching her intimately giving her what she needs. I brush her clitoris with my palm and she lets out a moan that I can’t resist. “I love you Rain,” I whisper on her skin. “I will always love you always—and however.” She has to know it. She has to remember it. I see her tears, but I don’t say anything. I swallow mine and dry hers. I slip another finger into her and she responds by taking me in her hand. I’m hard and she grips it

tightly. I feel like I’m going to explode, from desire and love and something else that seems very much like desperation. And as she caresses me and makes me emit incomprehensible sounds that no one would be able to decode, I lose myself, I don’t know where, forgetting the way home, forgetting who I am, who I was and what I’ll never be.

Rain

“Just this once, please.” The words come out in a breath. Sad, defeated and desperate, like me. I’m about to lose the man I love, but I want this moment, this memory of us for myself, forever. The memory of something magical, unique and that got me to my feet even though I’m about to fall deeper and deeper into the darkness. I squeeze his erection and a jolt of excitement hits me repeatedly, making me a slave to this passion, that calls both of our bodies with our desire that wants to be satisfied and set aside. And so I guide him into me, brushing him against my legs. I can’t wait anymore. “Rain, wait—I have to…” I know what he’s going to say and I break him off. “We don’t need it,” I whisper in between hiccups. He stops and takes a few seconds to get a handle on his rage and bitterness that flow through his tense muscles. “I’m sorry—for everything,” he whispers in my ear before throwing to the wind all of his fear and entering me, slowly, but all the way. The burn I feel initially is unbearable and I

stiffen up. “I’m sorry, I should have gone slower. I never want to hurt you.” “It’s okay.” I grind my teeth as the burn slowly, slowly eases up. “Don’t stop, it’s already passing.” He lowers himself to my face and bites me playfully on my lower lip, and I relax and open my legs to welcome him inside of me. “Rain,” he whispers my name five, ten, a hundred times as he moves inside of me, filling me with himself, with his love and his pain. I grab his shoulders and dig my nails into his skin, inviting him to push more, faster and deeper. I want him, all of him. Right now. “I feel you. I feel everything.” “And I feel you, Liam.” The tears fall without stopping, while the heat rises, while this man is inside of me, in my body, in my mind and in my soul. He is in me totally and will always be inside of me, no matter what happens. His movements become faster, his breathing sets my skin aflame, his desire to have me for himself, just this one time, becomes uncontainable for both of us. My hands slide down his muscular back looking for his bottom that squeezes and pushes towards me. Liam grabs my legs and pulls them up, pushing deeper into me, continuing to plunge desperately. Because we both are desperate at the idea of

losing each other again. “I love you, Rain. I have always loved you.” I know. Now I know. And as his breathing quickens together with mine, our bodies unite and our hearts merge into one shattering pain. Liam comes inside me, filling me with all of the words he’s never been able to say and all the love he’ll never be able to give me. And I come with him, freeing my trapped soul from this life of lies, the darkness and loneliness. Freeing me from myself, freeing my mind and my heart, tied to the past and pushes and arrogantly comes back, reminding me of who I was and who I will never be. I cry for hours, crushed by the weight of his body on top of mine with him still inside of me. I cry without words and he cries with me. Our tears mixed together, freeing us both from things we never told each other.

Liam falls asleep at dawn, our bodies entwined, our legs braided together, my head on his chest. And as I slide from his embrace and his love, I know that whatever happens he will always be a part of me.

He will always be a part of me. I get dressed silently, I go in the bathroom and wash my face. No more tears, just this enormous weight that crushes me and oppresses me and which I have to free myself of. I go back in the bedroom and look at him for the last time while he’s sleeping. His face is tight and his sleep is restless. I decide to go before he wakes, before he’s forced to deal with all of this. I have to do it now. And as I go to the living room, I pick up my things and slip through the door, I feel like I’m leaving behind something. Something important. Something that belongs to me. Something I’ll never have again.

28

Liam I’m woken by the sound of the telephone. I wake up in a haze, reaching for the nightstand. I grab the phone and bring it to my ear, pushing random buttons until I find the green one. “Liam?” I sit up still in a stupor. “Aaron?” “Is Rain there with you?” “Yeah, she’s here,” I say, looking around but all I see is the unmade bed. “Shit, no, she’s gone!” “Do you know where she could be?” “No, she was here until a little while ago—I think. Shit, I fell asleep, I didn’t hear her leave.” “Can you come over to our house?” “What’s happened?” “Just come.” I hang up the phone and jump off the bed. I find my discarded clothes on the floor and get dressed as best I can, trying to gather my thoughts and not to think about her perfume on the fabric. We made love for the first time. We cried together, we were in each other’s arms for hours and then— Just this one time, please.

And then she left, she left forever. I take my cell phone and the keys and leave. I know what’s waiting for me. ~~~ “Come in. Aaron and Patrick are upstairs in her room,” Jay tells me. “She—” “She’s not there, Liam. We don’t know where she is.” “It’s all my fault.” “No.” Jay stops, before going up the stairs. “It’s our fault. All of us.” I follow him to the upstairs and I don’t know exactly what I’ll find but I can imagine. We go in her room and find Aaron sitting on her bed with his head in his hands and Patrick at the desk sitting in the same position. They don’t lift their heads and they don’t say anything. I look around and my eyes fall on the closet doors. All of her post-its are gone, or at least all of those that she had written until yesterday. There are just a few left, distributed so that everything makes sense. One letter on every post-it to fill up a closet. Three simple words that make me instinctively shut my eyes. Three words that take away what’s left of me. Three words that kill me on the spot.

Who is Neil.

Rain

I go back home after spending more than two hours at the beach, sitting on the cliff and looking at the sky, hoping that it will rain and bring me something, something that would help me to understand, to reason, to find a way out. But the rain doesn’t come nor does a logical explanation of what’s exploding in my head. “I see you’re all here,” I say on seeing that all the guys are in my room. “Rain!” Aaron jumps to his feet and hugs me. “We were so worried about you.” I remain disarmed with my arms rigid at my sides. I don’t feel like hugging him back. “Are you alright?” he asks, scrutinizing my face. “What do you think, you idiot!” Patrick yells, coming near us. “I’m glad you’re back, honey.” “Don’t call me that,” I spit back. “Don’t anybody talk to me that way again. Don’t call me darling, or sweetheart or anything else that comes to mind, got it?” “Rain, calm down,” Jay intervenes. “No, I will not. You lied to me, a-all of you! I ttrusted you.” I start hiccupping and it would appear I have not exhausted my supply of tears. That’s when Liam approaches but keeps a safe distance away. “Don’t cry, Rain, I can’t stand to

see you like this. It’s okay to be angry, to vent, take it out on me, because I’m the only guilty one.” I strike him down with my searing gaze and he is smart enough to recognize it. He lowers his glance, unable to stand the rage and resentment I feel at him right now. “I don’t know whose fault it is, but no one here is innocent. You’ve fed me a pile of bullshit and you’ve kept me in the dark about my life.” “It’s not like that, Rain,” Aaron explains. “Oh really, Aaron? How is it then?” “We didn’t want to put that all on you, we were waiting until you got better.” “More than two years have passed, Aaron. When did you think the right moment was going to present itself? No, you did it on purpose, you hid everything from me because you wanted to. Maybe it was easier for you that way.” “Easy? Do you think it was easy for me or for them? We gave up everything, we changed our lives all to serve you better!” “Aaron, that’s enough now!” Jay tries to calm him, while my brother comes threateningly close to me. “We lost you Rain! I lost you. And then you came back, but you weren’t the same. You couldn’t remember anything. You didn’t even remember Mom and Dad.” Aaron clenches his fists even tighter as he begins sobbing. “You were not

yourself!” “Aaron, calm down.” Liam goes to him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “This isn’t the way.” “But now she’s remembered everything, Liam. There is no other way.” “I—I d-didn’t r-remember.” The guys all turn to me, confused. “And so what’s that message about?” “It’s c-complicated…” I begin, stuttering and wiping my palms repeatedly on my jeans. “I had flashes, images. I remembered some things, conversations, moments—but I don’t know how to put it all together.” “What does that mean?” “It means that I still have lots of blanks in my memory, I don’t know how to clear my thoughts between what I know and—” I look at Liam before lowering my eyes. “—And what I imagine.” The room falls into dead silence. I go to the bed and sit down Indian style, waiting for someone to start talking, but no one has the courage to do so. So, I take a deep breath and ask, this time out loud and without stuttering: “Who is Neil?” The guys scrutinize each other some more before I can hear someone draw a deep breath and a voice wracked by tears. “He was my brother,” Liam says. And I fall into the darkness.

29

Liam “He was my brother,” I tell her, without holding back the tears. “And he was your boyfriend,” I conclude, and go back to breathing. “It’s right for me to talk to you about him.” Rain looks at me with a lost expression meaning that she probably doesn’t remember anything about Neil, and now I’m going to have to tell her everything. But that’s okay, it’s time for her to know, so that she goes back to her life. The one without me in it. “You met each other about ten years ago. We— we were all friends, we played together. We put a group together and one night you came down to bring Aaron home.” “I was wearing those dumb pink pajamas.” “Yes.” I smile at her through my tears. “You had those stupid and embarrassing pink pajamas. That I loved.” I take a few more breaths before going on. It hurts me to remember and it hurts even more to know that I’m losing her, but telling her everything will free us from this enormous weight we’ve been carrying for too long. “That night you met each other for the first time

and he had a crush on you as soon as you came down the stairs. After about two weeks you were going out together and after a month, you were going steady. That’s how it was until the day of the accident.” “Do you know how it happened?” “Yes, Rain. You were with Neil.” “So, I didn’t have an accident in the car by myself?” she asks, looking at Aaron. “No, Rain, I invented that version.” “Why? Why not tell me the truth?” “Because you couldn’t remember anything, you didn’t remember Neil, you didn’t have any idea who he was and I wanted to avoid piling on more suffering.” Rain nods thoughtfully, then looks at me again. “N-Neil is—” she stutters, biting her lip. “Yes, Rain. Neil died in the accident.” Rain nods. “Were you driving?” “No, he was behind the wheel.” “What happened?” “It was after the last concert in Dublin. We were offered a contract, a really big deal, a new album, a European tour and lots of money. We were out of our minds excited. Neil had drunk some, and I had too, but he insisted on driving. It was a bad idea and I should have stopped him.” “Why didn’t I want to marry him?” she asks point-blank, turning the blood in my veins to ice.

“You—remember that?” “I don’t remember the proposal, or how we got there. All I know is that I didn’t want to do it. Now I’m asking you why.” She didn’t want to do it. She didn’t want to be with him. She wanted me. My eyes fill with tears and my knees buckle, just in this moment and I fall to the ground. I put my hands on the ground and let my tears fall on the carpet, filling the room with my stupid pain and my relief because now I know she didn’t want to marry him. “W-what—what did I say that was wrong?” Rain asks, close to tears herself. “Nothing. You didn’t say anything wrong, Rain. Just the opposite. In fact you said the only thing that Liam needed to hear you say,” Jay explains, kneeling down next to me. “Everything’s okay buddy. It’s time.” I nod, dry my eyes with my shirt and sit on the floor, leaning against the wall behind me. “Maybe it’s best if we leave you alone—” “No, Aaron. Stay, please. This applies to everyone.” The guys all sit on the ground, ready to dig up the past, to lay their cards on the table and not hide anything anymore. “You didn’t want to do it because of me.”

Rain nods again and looks at her hands, which are trembling. “I loved you. I loved you for ten years in silence. Neil was one of a kind and you fell in love with him right away, and he with you. You were always together, and all of us were always together. There was the band and friends and—all the rest. We grew up side by side, facing our first disappointments together, and enjoying our first achievements together. You were an honorary member of the group, you were always right there with us and I was happy about that. While you and Neil planned your future together, I was dying in silence, day after day, because I knew sooner or later I would lose you. Finally the day came when I found you crying in your garden. You didn’t know what to do, because Neil had asked you to marry him. He was insisting, he wanted to bring you on tour with us. He did not want to leave you in Dublin. You had some doubts, but I thought you would have married him and that I would have had to forget you forever. I didn’t have any more excuses, I had nothing to lose. So, I asked you not to do it. And you ran away—and then there was the accident. Neil was dead and you were in that condition—and I never knew if in the end you would have married him or not.” “I never could have done it, Liam,” she whispers, looking me intensely in the eyes.

My heart crumbles in her hands. The powder falls to the floor and I don’t bend to pick it up. As far as I’m concerned it can stay there, at her feet. That’s where it has to stay.

Rain

“And so you were together in a band, you were famous too.” Liam isn’t able to go on with his version of things, so I give him time to collect his thoughts and to breathe regularly, because it seems to me that all we’ve done until now is hold our breath. I try to keep my emotions in check and curb the instinct to assault him with questions. My head is about to explode, the information I’ve taken in is too devastating and I don’t know if I’ll be able to sustain the blow. So, I turn to Aaron to see what else has been hidden from me. “Yes, we were a band,” he tells me. “Famous? I guess, let’s say we were at the beginning of our trip.” “Four Reasons to Die,” I say impulsively. “Five friends who would have given their lives for the others.” I look at his face as my expression sweetens slightly. Aaron nods, visibly upset, emotional also perhaps because I remembered the reason that tied them to each other. “We made an album that was doing well here in Ireland. A manager had come to see us live and offered us a contract. It was the moment to make a big jump. First England and then Europe. A new

album, new songs, a tour lasting eight months. Then there was the accident. Neil was dead, he was our singer and the one who wrote the lyrics. He had talent and a feeling for sentimentality to sell. He loved you and—you were his muse. After the accident, you were in a coma for three months, then you woke up and you didn’t remember anything and you needed therapy and rehabilitation. You needed us.” “And so you shelved your dreams because of me.” “Not all of us.” Patrick, who had been silent until now chimes in: “We gave up the contract, but someone else thought long and hard about taking advantage of it.” He gives Liam the eye. “Is that true? Is that what happened? Is this what Patrick was accusing you of? Y-you l-left?” My voice rises and I begin shaking. I grab my arms with my hands, trying to placate the tremors but my voice, broken by disappointment, betrays me. “Rain—” Jay tries to hug me, but I walk around him and go towards Liam. “You abandoned me?” I ask him, looking him straight in the eyes, where now there is only rage and contempt. “You preferred your career to me? That’s how much you loved me?” Liam doesn’t respond, he continues to look me in the eye, begging me not to dig any further. But I

want to know and I want to know now. “Yes,” he says with a sigh. “I signed the contract, I packed my bags and I left. I left you.” “What kind of man could do something like that?” I throw at him. In the meantime he has gotten to his feet. I punch him in the chest repeatedly while he does nothing to stop me. “I deserve everything, your contempt and your hate. I’m the only one responsible. It’s all down to me. The accident, your doubts, the end of the band, the death of my brother. Only. My. Fault.” I stop suddenly and I look at him with eyes full of tears. “I couldn’t handle it. I stayed for three months while you were in a coma and then you woke up. I stayed until you looked at me and asked me who I was. Then I understood, I understood that you wouldn’t need me, that no one needed me.” “What?—I couldn’t remember anything, Liam, nothing!” “I thought your mind had chosen for you, that it had decided what to remember and what not to.” “What an absurdity!” “I know. Now it seems like a pile of shit, but in that moment, try to understand me, I was devastated by the pain. I lost Neil and I lost you. The guys were in pieces, and my family was devastated and I had nothing. I lost everything I had in one bad fucking night. I didn’t want to live,

to stay. I didn’t have the energy to stay by your side, even though Neil had asked me to.” “Neil? When? I don’t understand…” I bring my hands to my head to avoid being overwhelmed by all of this information. I almost wish that I hadn’t woken up from that coma. It’s too, too painful. “After the crash Neil had a few moments of lucidity—he asked me to take care of you, to stay by your side and to—to love you and protect you as he would have done.” I shake my head and open my mouth but the truth is I have nothing left to say, nothing to comment. Nothing. I don’t have anything. I am nothing anymore. “I should have stayed,” he says, lowering his head. I’d like to scream and fight with the whole world. Take this stupid heart and throw it out the window. He didn’t stay. He chose himself. “And now, you should go.” “Rain, wait, think about it.” Jay comes to his assistance. “You should all go. I need to reflect, to understand to—put some fragments of these memories together. I can’t stand looking at any of

you.” Patrick stands up and comes to me and gives me a light kiss on the forehead. “I love you, Rain, like a sister, and I do not regret the decisions we’ve made. I would do it again a thousand times. I’ll be here for you whenever you want.” And so saying he leaves the room with his head hung low. “I’d give my life for you, Rain. You’re my family,” Aaron says with a drawn face streaked with tears, before hugging me and leaving me. “I don’t know what to say. Maybe we made a mistake, it’s true, but I would do it again and I would choose you a thousand times and our family.” Jay hugs me and cries on my shoulder. I don’t feel like consoling him, I don’t feel like justifying him or the others. I feel betrayed and made fun of. I feel stupid. “Rain—I beg you.” “It’s o-over, Liam.” “Let’s talk about it, let me explain—” “I’ve heard enough. I don’t want you in this house and I don’t want you in my life.” “I’ll love you anyway, you know that, right? I won’t stop even if you throw me out. You are my reason for living and you always will be.” I look at him for the last time and the pain I read in his eyes is devastating, immense and destructive

and it devours me in one bite. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel nothing. I don’t feel myself. I don’t want to feel anything.

30

Liam Come up to meet you/Tell you I’m sorry/You don’t know how lovely you are/I had to find you/Tell you I need you/Tell you I set you apart. My only companion is my guitar; the only thing I can do is play it as I drown in this sea of pain. Nobody said it was easy/It’s such a shame for us to part/Nobody said it was easy/No one ever said it would be this hard/ Oh take me back to the start.6 I’m playing something that hurts me even more, because I need to continue to suffer, because I deserve it, because I want it and because I have to drown my desperation until I run out of tears. Until it takes me away. “Hey,” Jay comes into my room without knocking. The door is open, as always. My fingers stop and the guitar stops shouting my suffering to the world. “She went to go stay with Erin for a few days.” I nod. I’m happy she has someone she can hang out with. “Erin is the only person that has nothing to do with this. For us, it’s so much harder.” “I understand it.” “You know, I don’t regret it. Everything, I mean

renouncing music, having found this place, having given her a simple life. That’s what she needed. Aaron and Rain have always been my family. After my mom died, they took me in, they gave me a place to stay, affection, support, comprehension and I’d do anything for them.” Maybe he’s right, maybe this was really what she needed and my arrival was destined to upset everything and dig up the past. Another fucking mistake. “But it was also time for her to know, we couldn’t go on like that for ever. She just needs time and space, Liam.” “She’ll forgive you.” “She’ll forgive you too.” “No,” I sigh with resignation. “You’re wrong, you’ll see. She needs to get some clarity, put things in order, to understand, to put all the puzzle pieces together.” “I hurt her, in the worst possible way. What was I thinking?” “To fix things. And you will, with time.” I shake my head and get up from the bed. I go in the kitchen and get a bottle of Jameson and two glasses. “Want some?” “Why not,” he says, sitting on the stool at the table. The same one where I—no, I can’t think about it. If I let myself be transported by memories

I could drown for real. “What shall we toast?” He holds his glass up to me. “Do you really think we have anything we can drink to?” “Well, think about it. The worst has passed, you’ve touched the bottom and let’s say your face has been smeared in pig shit. Okay? Now the only thing you can do is clean yourself off, hold your head up and get on your feet.” “How’d you get so smart?” “Must be my age.” “Must be, because in terms of experience—” “—What are you trying to tell me?” “When are you going to make a life for yourself?” “I’m not the one here sinking in the pig shit, my friend.” “No, certainly, it’s easy to stay afloat when you don’t go in the water, when you don’t open your heart.” “Hey, what the hell does my heart have to do with anything now? We’re not talking about me.” “We never talk about you.” “Because there’s not much to say. I’m a very boring person,” he sighs and throws back his drink in a gulp. “Screw the toast, gimme another.” “Here you are, Sir,” I say while I drink too. “Tonight we have to work, but I was thinking

that after that we could play a little bit, what do you say?” I shrug my shoulders. I don’t really care much. “I know you wrote something—” “That? No, It’s nothing and now, it doesn’t count anymore.” “Was it for her?” “It’s not important.” “Perhaps it’s just the opposite. Maybe it’s just what you need.” I look at him suspiciously and raise an eyebrow. “A great tear-jerker that melts her heart.” “What a cliché.” “Sometimes, when everything seems lost, when there’s no more hope or possibility, three minutes is all you need, you know? The right words, perfect music.” “I’m not so sure.” “Trust me.” Should I trust him? In the end, what else could I lose?

Rain

“Do you remember when the picture was taken?” Erin continues to ask me questions about my past, hoping that like magic everything has been fixed and that all of my memories have been tucked back into place in my mind. “You were eleven years old, that’s what’s written here at least. That should be the garden of your old house.” I look again at the photo and shrug my shoulders, then put that one back in the pile with the others. Erin’s helping me go over all the family photos where I am with Aaron and the guys. In almost all of the images Liam is there too. “Have you heard from him?” she asks pointblank. “No. And I don’t intend to.” “That man loves you.” “Maybe he does, but it’s too complicated and strange.” “Strange?” “Oh, come on! I was engaged to his brother and for all these years, he was in love with me. He may have tried to sabotage our relationship.” “Not even you believe that, Rain.” I get up from the bed and go to the window. I look to the heavens and the first gray clouds I see

covering everything reassure me. “It’s about to rain,” I whisper. “Wow, that’s news.” “I’d like—I’d like to go to my old house. Do you know how we could do it?” “We could try to make a few phone calls or ask Aaron, it shouldn’t be difficult to see who lives there now.” “I need to see the garden.” ~~~ “Is there something familiar about it?” I shake my head as I go to the swing. I brush the rusted chain and sit on the plastic seat, which has completely lost its color by now. “Do you want me to leave you alone?” Erin says, coming towards me. “Yes, please.” “No problem. I’ll go inside and maybe have that tea they offered me. If you need anything—well, you know where to find me.” I nod and let her leave. I swing myself, lazily pushing with my now muddy legs and feet. The rain wasn’t late in showing up and it almost makes me feel better to have the frigid water running down my face and body. What have I got to do with it?

Oh Liam, you have got plenty to do with it. You were the reason I refused. Don’t do it. I couldn’t have married him, ever, even if you hadn’t loved me, even if you hadn’t asked me to choose. I can still feel his arms around me and his hands on my face. The tears I feel now are the same, or maybe not. They’re not mine. I get off the swing and take a few steps forward. They aren’t my tears that I feel, the ones I remember. Don’t die, I beg you. I’m not remembering that night in the garden. I’m remembering the accident. His arms around me, his body on mine, his heat keeping me alive, like his words and his love. Don’t leave me. I love you Rain, since the first day you showed up at my house and in my life. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. The memories come and latch on to one another without a proper chronology or logical timeline, even if my heart sees it, feels it and remembers it. My heart remembers the man I loved.

31

Liam “Let’s try it again, maybe it would work like this.” Jay adds a few words to my lyrics, with the plectrum in his mouth and the melody in his head; that song is having a hard time coming out. “No, no. It’s not right. It’s all wrong,” I say. “Take heart, you’ll see we can do it.” “I already told you I can’t do this. I’m not able to.” “Don’t talk trash. What we have here is better than anything that’s passed through our hands in the last few years. It’s surely better than that shit you were playing a little while ago, and surely better than what Neil wrote.” Patrick hurts me repeatedly. Hearing Neil’s name pronounced in that manner, makes me wanna throw him down and punch him until he loses his senses. “And don’t look at me like that. We all know it’s true and you know it too. Fortunately, pain is inspiration.” “You’re an asshole, Patrick.” “Yep. Who the fuck writes when they’re happy and full of life? No, guys. The best songs come out in the worst moments of your life. In the solitude,

suffering and depression.” “Neil wasn’t depressed.” “Really? Are you sure?” “What the fuck are you talking about, Patrick?” Aaron jumps in. “I’m telling the truth, the one you all ignore and pretend not to understand. Neil suffered like a dog, day after day. He knew and just waited for the moment that this asshole we have here in front of us, was going to make his move. He knew very well what was happening and he couldn’t do anything about it.” The basement falls into a profound silence. Neil knew and was just waiting for the day that she would leave him, for me, his brother. “Are you saying he was ready to give way to me?” “No, man, he wasn’t leaving it to you. You were the one who was taking it. Year after year, taking up more space in Rain’s heart.” “I’d like to remind everyone here we’re talking about my sister, okay?” Aaron butts in. “Don’t worry, Aaron,” Patrick replies. “I don’t think Liam intends to tell you how he fucked her —” “You motherfucker! You wanna knock it off?” Aaron roared. “Do you really think he hasn’t slept with her? Come on, man—”

“I prefer to remain in the dark.” “As long as you’re happy.” “So this fucking song?” Patrick asks. “We have to get it together. It’s going to be the Christmas party in a few days and then there’s a meeting with the manager. We’re going to need that song.” “Are you really going to play in this rat hole?” Aaron asks. “Oh, for crying out loud, it’s our rat hole, have some respect!” Patrick snaps back. “Okay, okay. In this super five-star club?” “Jesus,” I take my head in my hands. “We’re never going to make it.” “We have to, it’s our chance,” Patrick says forcefully. “It’s certainly not the same chance, but it could be the start of something.” “We can do it, Liam,” Aaron interjects. “And then, what have we got to lose?” Nothing, really. We don’t have anything to lose.

The fact is that music is part of me and my life, but I’m not sure if it is in this sense. I wasn’t made for the stage, I’m not made for the public and managers and contracts. I’d just like to play with the guys like we used to, just for an hour to ward off the sensation that there was no reason to stay here. “Guys,” I start, interrupting the practice session. “I’d like to stay.” “Well, seems to me that you’re already here.”

“I’d like to be a part of everything. I’d like to be part of the family.” “Okay,” Aaron mutters cautiously. “I’m not following you here.” “I’d like to settle down here, stay put. I like this place.” “This godforsaken village? You prefer this place in the middle of nowhere to London?” “I prefer it to any other place.” “Because this is where she is.” Jay smiles. “But what if she—don’t misunderstand me, we all hope, shit, but after the mess you’ve made, what happens if she decides she doesn’t want you anymore?” “I’ll stay all the same. Wherever she goes, that’s where I’ll be, whether she wants me there or not. It’s enough for me to survive just to smell her perfume, even from a distance.” “Great, we’ve at last got something you could inject into this goddamned song.” We all burst out laughing a bit and the tension breaks because we all needed it to. We need to put everything behind us, to forget what’s happened in the past and to live in the present, step by step to walk towards our future. Together. Like it always should have been. Together.

Even without Neil. Even without her.

Rain

I’ve been at Erin’s for three weeks. I’m feeling better, and I’m slowly putting together information and memories to reconstruct my whole life in a practical way. I’m still missing many pieces of the puzzle of my past that maybe I’ll never recover, but I have to say that everything is finally starting to make sense. I have seen old photos of our family that Aaron let me have. It was nice to re-live some of those moments with my mother and father. Nice yet sad, because I don’t remember them and that hurts and makes me feel incomplete. And I also saw some videos of the band and finally, I ‘met’ Neil. He and Liam are so different. It seems almost impossible that they are brothers. Liam is so strong, proud and robust, sure of himself, while Neil seems fragile, insecure but undoubtedly tender. We were together for many years, and yet, it’s very difficult for me to picture his face or remember the taste of his lips. I saw them all on stage together, concentrated, happy and accomplished and I understood that is their way. That is their life and I want them to pick up where they left off. I don’t want to be a burden for anyone. I don’t want anyone to take care of me.

I want to free them and myself. “So? Anything new?” Erin and I are at the coffee shop under her flat. I wanted to come out for a bit and get some fresh air, but it’s not a great day and we ended up back here without a real reason. “No, nothing new.” “The photos and videos didn’t help you much, then?” I look at them constantly, every day, all day but my memories have stopped and it’s been a few days since I’ve had any kind of flashes of insight. I shake my head and drink a sip of coffee. “Doesn’t all this tell you something?” I raise my glance to encourage her to continue. “The fact that you have only remembered certain things, fundamental things—about you and him—Do you think it’s normal that you don’t have any memories of Neil?” I had thought that actually that it was strange at first, but then I figured that my mind was playing dirty tricks on me and maybe it’s just something superficial. “Maybe your mind is choosing what to remember.” “What does that mean? That it intentionally forgot some things instead of others?” “I’m saying that maybe the heart is stronger than the brain itself; that love, Rain, is stronger than

anything else, even stronger than cranium trauma and amnesia.” “I don’t believe that’s possible.” “Then how do you explain that for two years you haven’t made any progress and then as soon as you meet Liam, see him, spend some time with him, your memories start blooming?” I sit in the silence a few minutes because I know deep down that Erin could be right, even if I’m not ready to admit it. I’m about to fight back when she beats me to it. “Don’t hate me, okay?” “What? Why should I…” I’m not able to finish the phrase, because I see Jay standing in the doorway of the shop. I shake my head and let it fall back against the headrest, crossing my arms across my chest. “Hi, Erin. Hi, Rain.” “H-hi, Jay.” “Can I sit down with you for two minutes?” “By now, you’re here,” I keep my distance, even if I’m dying to hug him. I miss my guys like crazy. “How are you?” He reaches his hand out over the table, waiting for mine. I huff and let my arm go, extend my hand toward him and he squeezes it, smiling at me. “I’m happy to see you.” “Me too, Jay.” “You’re not still mad at me? At us?”

“You bet your life I am! I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to forgive you.” “You’re right to be upset with us, we deserve it. But we miss you. Aaron is desperate and Liam—” “I don’t want to talk about him.” “I know, but let me tell you about him, Rain. There are some things you should know.” “I already know everything. I don’t want to know anything else.” “Please. Listen for me.” I turn my head the other way and stare out the window. Outside it’s raining and the Christmas lights on the streets appear foggy from the contrast of the warmth in this coffee house. The fog on the windows reflects the fog in my soul—I’m still confused and hurt. I nod ever so slightly, the movement almost impossible to detect, but Jay picks up on it and takes this as an encouraging sign. He lets my hand go, orders a coffee and scoots his chair towards the table. “Liam made a mistake, he made a sea of them. He should not have lied and inserted himself into your life like that, but he didn’t have much choice. He didn’t want to upset you, he just wanted to be close to you, to see you again and to see how you were doing—he wanted to help you.” “He coulda done that right away, don’t you think? Instead he left, he chose himself.”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong even if it can seem like the opposite. It’s true that he took the chance and was successful, but he was very unhappy, he was empty, he was alone. He was dead inside, Rain. Until he came back here.” “What are you trying to tell me?” “That he came back for you. He couldn’t stand being away from you. He thought he was giving you his life and instead—” Jay takes a long breath and exhales deeply before continuing. “—Honey, it wasn’t him that brought your memories back, it was you who brought him home.” “I d-don’t understand.” “You lost a lot, the accident turned your life upside down, but it destroyed his. He lost his brother, his friends, his family and the woman he loved. He was such a disaster when he came back and then you decided to trust him, you opened his heart and gave him his life back.” I can feel my lower lip start to tremble and I try to swallow my tears and stop myself breaking out sobbing like an idiot, here in front of everyone. “I—” “He stayed here for three months after the accident, until you woke up from the coma. We spent the nights with you there; we took turns, but he was there every single night and he was in a terrible condition, he was sleeping in the waiting room. He went home just to shower and change his

clothes. He spent more time with you than any of us and we didn’t realize it at the time. We thought it was because Neil was dead and that he needed to stay there, to watch over you. We didn’t understand that deep down, his was a double loss. Then you woke up and he seemed reborn. But then —” “—And then I didn’t remember him.” “In the first few days you were scared and lost. You only let Aaron come near you, he was the only person you remembered. Then slowly you accepted me and Patrick, but Liam—you didn’t want to let him get close to your room. You were afraid of him, and, darling, it was gut wrenching. Liam is strong, but not tough enough to tolerate your total refusal.” “I don’t remember that.” “I know, you’ve erased many things, even things that happened after the accident.” “And so, he left.” “I believe he couldn’t take it.” “I don’t remember when everything started, Jay. I don’t remember because—” “—Because you were in love with him?” “I feel it, I know, but I don’t remember.” “Well, I think you should trust your instinct and listen to your heart. Give him a chance.” “I wish I hadn’t remembered. That I didn’t know anything.” “I can understand that. But the memories are

there, even if they’re incomplete ones, and you can’t ignore what you feel. Believe me,” He concludes with a sad, serious voice. “Tell me something about Neil.” “About Neil?” “Yes, please.” “You don’t—” I shake my head. “Okay, dear. I’ll tell you about him.” And while Jay tells me about our first date and our first kiss, our plans and our fights, our relationship, he can’t help but include Liam’s name in every situation, every memory, every touch. Liam was there, he was everywhere, on every day of my life, in every tear and every smile. He was always present, and I never saw him, not with my eyes at least. But my heart saw and heard every moment filling itself with his smile, his voice and his glances. And his love.

32

Liam “Was it really necessary to put all these lights here too?” Patrick asks. “Don’t break my balls, Patrick, it’s Christmas and people want the Christmas spirit,” Aaron answers. “So the outside wasn’t good enough? We have to have them at the bar counter too, on the ceiling and on the stage? We’re going to be glowing like a fucking Christmas tree.” “People tend to drink more when there’s a festive atmosphere.” “And maybe they won’t throw tomatoes at us.” I intervene in the discussion between Aaron and Patrick that’s been going on for a few minutes. Aaron has decorated the place in full Christmas style. Doesn’t make any difference to me. I don’t care about holidays, or more precisely I don’t care any more. There’s nothing I desire; I have no plans, no intentions for the new year. The only thing I’d like is for her to forgive me and let me love her. “Hey, guys,” Jay calls and brings us back to the present. “What do you say we get to work? We still have a few hours before the party. Let’s restock the bar because I have a feeling it’s going to be a

blowout tonight.” We all nod in agreement and follow him. We all know what to do, and everyone has his own task. By now, I’ve settled down here and I’m happy with it. I like this atmosphere, I like being with them. Even the work at the pub isn’t bad. I prefer it a hundred times over London, the constant fighting and that terrible way of life. Playing with them is something that keeps me going, keeps me anchored, that keeps me away from falling into the emptiness that, without her, would swallow me without pity. I wait for her. Every day I wait for her to walk through that door, then she wraps her arms around my neck and says I’m the man she loves, that she’ll never leave me again and that she’ll allow me to be near her and to take care of her. ~~~ “A brief pause and we’ll be right back. We need to get some refreshments too,” Jay announces into the microphone, before setting down the guitar and coming over to me. “It’s not going badly.” “No, not badly at all.” “These nights are good for us to rediscover the spirit of the band.” “Yep.” “Hey. I know you miss her, but let’s go, just for

tonight, let’s concentrate on something else. What do you say?” I nod while leaving the stage and heading to the counter. The guys that work with us are all here tonight, so that we don’t have to be working for a few hours while we play, but in a bit, they’ll leave after we play our last song. “Guinness please.” I sit at the stool, exchanging a few smiles with the people around me. “Alright, let’s go you guys, we gotta start,” Jay grabs my arm, forcing me to get up. “We just started our break,” I protest, trying to take a few sips of my beer. “No, the break’s over, move it, the others are already on stage.” “Okay, okay, what the fuck! I’m coming.” I set the beer on the counter and reluctantly follow him. I take my place on stage and check the guitar is in tune. Then I adjust the microphone and clear my throat. I raise my glance and there, more or less five meters in front of me, I am lost in the ocean of her eyes. My throat goes dry, I open my mouth but nothing comes out, no sound. I don’t think I’m even breathing. The guys start and I shake my head again and again to try to understand if what I see in front of me is real or a fucking dream, one of many that accompany me in my dark nights. I look at Jay next

to me and he’s smiling; I look towards Aaron and Patrick who have idiot expressions on their faces and so, I understand. I understand it’s all true. I understand that she is here and that she’s just a few meters away from me. And I understand she’s here to stay.

Rain

“Wait.” “What is it?” Erin asks. “We’re already late.” I inhale another deep breath and take a step forward. I rest my hand on the door and wait for my legs to do the rest. “Rain, if we’re here, there’s a reason for it.” She’s right, there is a reason. Jay told us about this party and he asked us to come. No one else did. They are respecting my request to have space, but Jay is—Jay. He doesn’t respect spaces; he acts, he takes the situation in hand, he always resolves everything. And so, here I am. I can do it. I can see him without collapsing, without feeling this pain in my heart. I open the door with Erin’s help and in a second, I’m overcome by the heat in here, the laughing, the customers, the Christmas lights just how I like them. I am received into this atmosphere of warmth and I understand that I have come back home. I’m back for ever. Erin accompanies me to a free table a few meters from the stage that seems to be reserved just for us. I look around and recognize many of the usual customers, the guys behind the counter and him, standing on the stage.

I look at him and find myself, inside Liam again. There I am in the blue sky, without any more storms, without the thunder and lightning and without fear. I see myself through him and I find myself again, I don’t know where, I don’t know how, but I find myself again in him, here, in this pub or at home. Wherever he will be, I will be there too. He smiles at me and his glance sweetens: it’s a tenderness and a sweetness that’s hard to find, seems strange in such a big, robust man, but that’s Liam, the man who saved me, who kept me alive, who loved me for ten years. Liam, the man of my life. And his voice is something magical, it wraps itself around me and it’s so sensual and I lose myself once again in his words and his emotions. And his love. I don’t remember the exact moment that I fell in love with him and I probably never will, but I will always remember this moment and I won’t need any post-its to keep track of today’s date or this feeling, because it’s in me, impressed on my heart and can never be cancelled. Even if I can’t remember my past, even if I attempt to discover something about who I was, it’s not important because the only thing that matters, is who I am now. His woman.

Forever.

33

Liam “Hey.” “H-hi.” “I’ll leave you alone.” Erin gets up and slowly walks away from us. I sit in front of Rain without being able to take my eyes off of her. In her eyes I see a new light that shines and brings me back to life, as if I were dead and was following that light at the end of the tunnel or some shit like that. But I’m not dead and I’m not heading to paradise or the inferno or whatever the hell it is. I’m going towards her, towards life. My life. I lay my hand to hers on the table, palm up. She looks at it for a second, then, taking a deep breath, intertwines her fingers with mine. “I’m sorry. For everything, Rain. For having fooled you and lied to you and keeping you in the dark about everything—but I’m not sorry for having loved you all these years. I’ll never regret that.” “And you shouldn’t. Don’t be sorry for anything.” I exhale mercifully and squeeze her fingers before bringing her hand to my mouth.

“I’ve decided to stay here, Rain. I want to stay with the guys, I want to work in this pub and live in this stupid village. I want to play with them, even if it doesn’t bring me anything, just for the fun of doing it, to be near my family. Because they— because you, because you all are my family. I want to stay here to love you like you deserve to be loved, to give you what you need, to give you my life, to give you everything I have.” The tears stream down her face and my free hand cautiously approaches her to dry them. She rests her cheek in my palm and closes her eyes gently. “You are my life, Rain O’Donovan.” “And you are mine, Liam O’Reilly.” So I let myself go a little and stand up, move around the table and sit next to her. I take her face in my hands and draw it to me. “I love you, I have always loved you and nothing will make me stop, do you know this?” I whisper on her lips. “There is nothing you can do that would stop me. I love every single thing about you, from that day, in spite of everything, even the fact that you loved Neil.” “I-I do-don’t remember.” “What?” “I don’t remember Neil. I don’t remember his face or his voice. I don’t remember when we met or when we fell in love. I don’t remember it and I feel

bad about that. But I don’t remember his love—” She starts to hiccup and I pull her into my embrace. “But—but I remember you.” My world stops, paralyzed by her words. “I remember you, Liam. I remember your voice and your tears. I remember your fingers on the guitar. I remember your beard and I remember I’ve always liked it. I remember your laugh and I know I missed it. I remember your arms and your hands on my face.” “Rain, I—” “—I remember my love for you, Liam. I remember that I didn’t want to marry Neil and I know perfectly well why.” I shut my eyes to keep the tears in but I’m not able to. She touches my face delicately and then moves to my long wet beard. “I don’t remember when or where but I remember that I was in love with you.” She smiles at me as she rests her forehead against mine. “That’s why—it’s because of how you look at me, like I was the only woman in the world. Because of how you speak to me, as if even my thoughts were important to you. Because of how you touch me so tenderly as if I were the most precious thing you’ve ever held in your hands. For how you’ve protected me all these years and how you’ve loved me, suffering in silence. Because of how you respect me and how you listen to me. Because of how you

make me feel when you hold me in your arms. For how you love, Liam, for how you love me.” And then it happens. She smiles at me through her tears and draws close to me, kissing me gently on the lips. What happens is, I don’t fall, I don’t crash. What happens is, rather than falling, I fly, over the clouds, over the pain and everything. What happens is, this woman loves me and I love her. What happens is, that Liam O’Reilly is crazy in love and joy and will never go back to the darkness. What happens is, that my soul frees itself and flies up and dances with hers under the rain, the rain that hit me ten years ago and will continue to do so every day of my life. I love the rain. I love rainy days. I love my Rain.

Rain

“Okay, people, happy New Year and thanks for coming. It’s great to celebrate with you all and at midnight—free drinks for everyone!” Aaron must be crazy, but he’s so happy tonight I don’t feel like telling him he may be a bit drunk and throwing away money on a night like this. But we are all happy, and calm and best of all, together. “This song is for the woman who stole my heart and soul. You already know her, there she is, our Rain,” Liam says as he takes the floor and I start hiccupping as usual. “But you know what I say, people? I never could have asked for more out of life, I could not want for more. I have this family, music and her. My reason. I love you, Rain O’Donovan. You’re my life.” I look at Erin and she looks back at me emotionally and squeezes in next to me while the music begins and his voice caresses me, kisses me and makes me feel alive, loved. Complete. I’m no longer dust and I’m no longer in pieces. I am one thing only, a whole person, a person who lives in the present and dreams of a future next to the man she loves, the man she’s always loved. If it’s gonna be a rainy day/There’s nothing we can do to make it change/We can pray for sunny

weather/ But that won’t stop the rain/Feeling like you got no place to run/I can be your shelter ‘til it’s done/We can make this last forever/So please don’t stop the rain.7 He steps off the stage and he’s sweating, hyper and I don’t know what else. He comes to our table and remains standing in front of me. I don’t wait even a second. I stand up and throw myself in his arms that squeeze me tight, making me feel at home. He kisses my forehead and my scar, my cheeks, and finally reaches my lips. “I know you love that house and love living there with the guys,” he says, “but I’d like to have you with me every day and not have to accompany you back home in the middle of the night in order to not make Aaron lose his mind.” “What—what are you saying?” “Come and live with me, Rain. Tonight, now. I want to start this New Year with you in my bed and I want to see you there every fucking night. I want to wake up with your hair in my face and I want my lips to be your sweet wake-up call every morning. I can’t breathe without you, you understand that, right?” My eyes fill with tears and the words won’t come out because my head is all mixed up. “Please, Rain. I need to have the breath of you.” I know I should say something, I know he’s waiting for my answer but I remain still in his arms

with my eyes open like my mouth and an emotion that makes my legs tremble. “I—I—” “You—” “I don’t know if—well, it’s not easy living with me. I’m a disaster, I forget things and—” “Rain!” He silences me with a kiss. “Say yes.” “It’s just—I love my house and the guys would be lost without me, who would take care of them?” I give a hopeful smile, I don’t know if he understands where I’m going with this. “You wanna stay there, with them, with all of them?” he asks, alarmed. I nod and lower my gaze. He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders before breaking out a wonderful smile. “Aaron will kill me for this, you know that, right? But to make you happy, I’d risk anything. So, let me rephrase the question. Can I come and live with you? In that house full of loonies, with Aaron always in the middle of everything, always threatening me with a knife every time I try to kiss you in front of him. And with Jay who doesn’t know how to cook and always has his nose in everybody’s business. And Patrick who walks around the house naked and is an asshole? I’d like to wake up every morning in your bed, with your head on my chest and the smell of your skin in my nostrils,” he says, smiling into my lips.

“Absolutely yes.” And I say it without stuttering. While around us everyone starts counting down backwards, I let myself be held by this wonderful man who faced off against the demons of his past and defeated his pain and found the road he had lost. The man who has come home. The man who brought me home.

Playlist

When I Was Your Man, Bruno Mars, Unorthodox Jukebox Beautiful Disaster, John McLaughlin, Indiana Dancing, Elisa, Dancing I Don’t Love You, My Chemical Romance, Black Parade The Reason, Hoobastank, The Reason The Scientist, Coldplay, A Rush Of Blood To The Head Please Don’t Stop The Rain, James Morrison, Songs For You, Truths For Me

Biography

A.S. Kelly was born in Italy but lives in Ireland with her husband, two children and a cat named Oscar. She’s passionate about English literature, is a music lover and addicted to coffee. She spends her days in a small village North of Dublin, looking for inspiration for her next stories.

Contacts: [email protected] www.authoraskelly.com

Follow A. S. Kelly:​ https://www.facebook.com/ASKellyAuthor/

@ASKelly_Books

Rainy Days

1 When I Was Your Man, Bruno Mars, Unorthodox Jukebox

2

Beautiful Disaster, Jon McLaughlin, Indiana

3

Dancing, Elisa, Dancing

4

I Don’t Love You, My Chemical Romance, The Black Parade

5

The Reason, Hoobastank, The Reason

6

The Scientist, Coldplay, A Rush Of Blood To The Head

7

Please Don’t Stop The Rain, James Morrison, Songs For You, Truths For Me