Refresh - S. Moose

REFRESH Copyright © 2016 by S. Moose All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual person, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner. All rights reserved. This book is intended for mature adults only. Cover Picture from http://peopleimages.com Cover Design by Dana Lamothe @ Designs by Dana Interior Formatting by Tami @ Integrity Formatting Editing by Jessica Glover Proofreading by Judy’s Proofreading and Stacy Hahn Blurb assistance: Carol Eastman, The Blurb Bitch Release Day Blitz and Blog Tour by Enticing Journey, Give Me Books, and Southern Belle Promotions



Never Letting Go Series Reaching Out For You Holding Onto You Next to Forever

Infinity Series Vision of Love Vision of Destiny Vision of Hope

Interrupted Series Interrupted Vol 1 Interrupted Vol 2 Interrupted Vol 3

The Offbeat Series Offbeat Even Rhythm

Standalones Teach Me Love Beautiful Lessons with Rebecca Brooke Take Me Away Rewriting the Rules



Standalones Breathing You In Dirty Control



Other Books by S. Moose Coming Soon Dedication A Prayer for a Police Officer Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22

Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Epilogue Acknowledgements About the Author



To the men and women who fight for us and bravely go into action not knowing what’s to come. Thank you for everything you do for your community. To the families of officers, thank you for your courage and support. You are also our heroes because you are there every day and it’s because of your love and support our men and women are able to serve and protect.



(A prayer poem for the protection, wisdom and safety of a police officer before beginning duty)

As I put on my uniform, I always look to you I know that you commission me To do the work I do.

I ask for your protection For all those that I lead. I ask for your daily guidance As we respond to those in need.

I know that you see our every move And how we interweave, To be our watchman, guard and shepherd, All so dutifully.

I know you are forgiving Lord And your love can cover sin. So I desire to be a great example Of how your grace can win.

So help me Lord when the pressures on And we are stretched to meet the need. Give me divine judgment, To be wise and take the lead.

Oh help me Lord to serve and care For all those on my team.

To nurture every aspect Of their fears and hopes and dreams.

I thank you loving Father For walking the beat with me. I thank you that as I get dressed You’re right here next to me.

Author unknown. Poem found on: http://www.living-prayers.com/people/policemans_prayer.html





“Go ask her to dance, man,” my best friend, Mason Ryan, eggs me on. I look over towards Caroline Spencer and I’m not going to lie, she makes me nervous. Me: the captain of the football team, AllAmerican guy, and voted cockiest in the freshman class. Whenever I look at her, something inside me burns and I want her. I need her. Being a fifteen-year-old teenager, lusting over the popular girl, who is also the captain of the cheer squad, makes you question your tactics. Everything has to be perfect. She’s not a skank like some other girls in our grade. Caroline is classy, sophisticated and a lady. She deserves more than a whistle and make-out session under the bleachers. She’s the type of girl you take to the beach and hold her hand while watching the sunset. She’s that girl who you bring home to meet your mom. Since I’ve known her, she’s never dated or given anyone a glance and I know these things. Her best friend, Tonya Ray, fills me in on the little details and nothing she tells me gives me an indication she likes anyone or wants to date. Her daddy’s the Chief for the Webster PD and scares the shit out of all of us. He’s always around and eyeing us like we’re vultures. One time at Tonya’s party he dropped Caroline off and told me and some of the guys we’d better be on our best behavior or else he’ll show us hell. I nearly shit myself when he said that. “Shut up,” I hiss, and look at her again. She’s talking with a group of girls and looks absolutely beautiful. “If you don’t, then I will,” Mason jokes. “I’ll fucking kill you.” Punching his shoulder, I go with it and walk towards Caroline. With each step I want to vomit. When I reach her, This I Promise You, a fucking slow song, comes on and all I can do is extend my hand out to her. To my surprise, she takes it with a smile and I lead her to the center of the dance floor. “Hi,” I tell her. “Hey Evan. You look really handsome tonight.” “You look really, really pretty, Caroline.” This makes her smile and I think I see her blush a little. She’s tiny compared to my six foot height. It’s cute. I like that I feel stronger and taller when I’m with her so I can protect her. “I was hoping you would come over and talk to me. Took you long enough.” “Ah yeah. I’m sorry about that. You know, I was hanging with the guys and ah you seemed busy.” “Right.” She smiles. “Well, I guess you found the courage huh?”

“Are you glad I did?” “I am.” At this moment she’s staring at me and the song’s about to end. This is my chance. I need to take it. Like Coach says it’s now or never. Leaning down I press my lips to hers and she doesn’t back away. Holy shit she’s kissing me back. The guys start whooping and I make a mental note to kick their asses later. But right now, in this moment, I know for sure I’m going to make Caroline Spencer the future Caroline Reed.





There are so many boxes everywhere. Wherever I go there’s a box and I’m the only one doing anything. I want to hire people to come into our new home and help me. Yet, I don’t, because this is our first home and I want everything to be perfect. Looking at the stacks of boxes I wince and fall on the couch and let out a breath. It’s been a long three weeks and everything is staring at me, screaming to be opened and put away. Looking around our new house I smile and think about when we first moved in. I look at the bare walls and figure I need to do something and make it more homely. The living room is all set with the television and furniture. Our bedroom, the office and two guest bedrooms are finished. In the basement Evan has a built in bar and man cave type of whatever so we have the washer and dryer units near the garage door in a little room. Mostly the big stuff is done, but it’s still not home. .home. We have so many pictures and they need to be framed and hung on our walls. A house full of pictures shows love and appreciation. It’s a display of the love we have for each other and to our family and friends. A lot of people roll their eyes at me when we get together because I’m the one who wants to take pictures and I always have my phone out. What can I say? I love capturing the moments that may slip away. The flat screen is mounted and takes care of one wall, but I want this room to feel alive and loving. This is our first house and we’re going to build our lives here for a little bit. The memories excite me and I can’t wait to experience the next adventures coming our way. “Babe!” I hear Evan shout my name. “Living room. Taking a break,” I shout back. When I sit up I see my very sexy husband walking inside shirtless and looking extremely yummy. I’ll never get enough of him. The way his sea blue eyes stare at me with lust and devotion makes every part of me very happy. His hair is damp from his shower and I swear he’s sporting some California surfer look with his longish hair. I joke and tell him to grow it out so he can have a man bun. That didn’t go over so well. Eye fucking my dreamy husband I realize it’s been a week since we’ve had sex and I’m dying to feel him. When Evan sits down next to me and scoops me up into his lap, I straddle him and instantly feel his erection against my aching pussy. We’re finally going to have sex and couch sex is the best. There’s not too much room which makes it sexier because we’re closer together and he can fuck a lot harder. “I miss you,” he whispers before crashing his hungry lips onto mine. It feels like forever since we’ve had some time to ourselves. I grind against Evan and feel his cock getting hard. Brushing my lips against

his neck I feel his grip get tighter on my waist. Pulling away, I tear my shirt off and unhook my bra. Before I can feel any more pleasure his stupid work phone rings. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I angrily whisper and slowly get off him. “It’s your day off.” He sighs, “I know, babe.” Getting up from the couch, he grabs his phone and takes the call. I put myself back together because I know what’s going to happen. He has to go in and do whatever is needed because they’re working a high profile case and Chief Smith is a jackass, even though he’s my best friend’s husband, I still hate him. “Babe . . .” “I know.” I get up and give him a light kiss on the lips. “I’m going to get some more things done. Be safe and I love you.” “I love you more.” He smiles. “Clarke said it’s an emergency. There’s been some development in the case and I have to go in. Do you want me to have Mason or Devin come stay with you?” “Why would I need that?” “I don’t like having you be alone.” “Used to it.” I know my tone is very snarky and bitchy. It’s like without Evan the department will vanish. Mason’s just as good as Evan so I have no idea why Clarke’s being a little bitch. I make a note to punch him later. Stupid Clarke and his stupid whiney ass self. “Come on don’t be like this. I have to go.” “I know and I get it,” I explain. “It just sucks. It’s like we never have time for us anymore. You’re always working or doing something. I’m sick of it. I go to bed alone all the time. You’re never here. It’s like you’re cheating on me.” “I know,” he kisses the tip of my nose, “and cheating on you?” he laughs and kisses me again before rushing upstairs to change into his uniform. “There’s no one else for me. You’re the only one, Caroline Reed,” he yells down. “Yeah, yeah. I bet you say that to all the women.” “Only you.” Grabbing the ladder from the garage I open the box sitting in the living room with a pair of scissors. Unwrapping each picture frame, I lay out twelve pictures that hold significant meaning to Evan and me. Pictures of our friends and family, our engagement, graduation from high school and college, our wedding picture and standing in front of our first home. These pictures may seem simple and trivial, but it makes me smile looking at the memories we captured through the years. After graduating from the University of Buffalo we moved back to Webster and soon after Evan was accepted into the police academy. It was a long few months, but he was successful and I was right here by his side. I got a job as an English teacher at our old high school and soon became the coach for the varsity cheerleading squad with my best friend, Tonya. We lived in a two bedroom apartment by the park for a while before deciding it was time to be adults and purchase our first home. And we did. Our little ranch style four bedroom, one and a half bath, with a large backyard, beautiful deck and finished basement was everything we wanted. We lucked out and the owners were desperately trying to sell the house, so with one look and one tour we decided this was going to be our home. Looking at the pictures to figure out which ones to place on my wall, I figure a mix of everyone important to us and significant moments in our lives should be displayed. Since I’m not so crafty, my

obsession, Pinterest, helped me find a really cute clock-like mural design I can follow. The first picture will start at the top, where the twelve would be, and then I would go in a counterclockwise direction for each picture to represent the hour. In the middle I plan on buying decorative stickers and have it say something along the lines of the best of times with family and friends. By the time Evan comes downstairs I’m finishing with the second picture. He grabs me and throws me into his arms and cradles me while sitting down on the living room floor. We’re staring at the wall and he kisses my cheek. “I’ll never understand your obsession with pictures.” “I like to look back and smile remembering those moments. Those are the moments of happiness and love.” He smiles and kisses my cheek again. “I love you. I hope you know that.” “I do.” “I know this isn’t the life you wanted and I’m working hard to give you everything you deserve. You’re my world, Caroline.” “Stop it,” I tell him. “Yes, it sucks you have to go in and it sucks they depend on you. But you’re great at your job and I believe in you. We made vows almost four years ago and I intend on keeping each one.” I lean in and kiss his lips. “I love you, Evan Reed. Forever.” “Forever,” he whispers and slowly gets up, giving me another kiss and walking out the door. By the time midnight hits I’m wrapping things up downstairs and decide it’s time for bed. Evan hasn’t said too much and I know he’s busy. As much as I love being his wife it’s hard. Being an officer’s wife is difficult because there’s so much at risk. Every day he puts our lives in jeopardy because he’s doing what he loves. He’s serving and protecting us and I couldn’t be prouder. Locking the door and setting the alarm I take one last look around the house and head upstairs. Stripping out of my clothes I run a hot bath and pour lavender salts in the tub. Slowly sinking in I release a breath and allow myself to be taken away. I think about the past and how our biggest worries were graduating college and figuring out what to do with our lives. Now it’s whether I’ll get a call that Evan’s in the hospital or worse. I refuse to allow my mind to go there. This has been going on for so many years and I should be used to this. But I’m not. After almost an hour in the tub I get up and put on cotton shorts and a tank. Looking at my phone I see a text from Evan and smile. Evan: Hey, babe. Sorry, it’s going to be a late night. I love you so much. Me: I figured. Everything okay? I love you too. Evan: Same shit. This case is fucking with our heads. Mason’s out in the back taking a nap and Devin’s going over new pictures. We can’t figure this shit out. Clarke’s about to blow a gasket over this shit especially with the mayor breathing down his neck. Me: I’m sorry, sweetie. I hope you guys can figure it out. Evan: Me too. Me: Do you need anything? Evan: I need you ;) but no I’m okay. I wish I could see you, babe. Fuck I owe you so much. Me: A spa day at Del Monte would be nice. Hehe Evan: Of course. Anything for you. Evan: Go to sleep. I’ll see you in a few hours. Me: Okay. I love you.

Evan: I love you.

Shutting off the bathroom light I climb into bed under the covers and stare at the ceiling. As much as I hate going to bed alone I’m used to it. I’m used to the sleepless nights and worrying if he’s going to walk through the doors and kiss me like he does. Maybe that’s why we haven’t had kids yet. We’re too afraid to bring a baby into the world because of how terrifying his job is to both of us. When my phone rings in the middle of the night, sweat and fear take over my body, and I can’t think straight. I don’t know if it’s Tonya, Evan or someone calling me to let me know Evan’s in the hospital. I don’t know if the call is a ransom because some low life has my husband. The feelings of anguish keeps me up at night and there are times I don’t sleep until Evan’s safe and sound. “Okay, Caroline, close your eyes and go to sleep. When you wake up, Evan will be here and everything’ll be okay.” The next night, Evan’s back at the station and, Tonya, my very best friend, is here with me binge watching reality television. “What makes you think these beautiful women are desperate enough to go out with strangers and then shove their tongues down their throats? I mean come on.” Holding a glass of red wine I nod my head and take a drink. “Amen, sister.” Reality television is so staged and borderline trashy, but it’s our guilty pleasure and this dating show is something to laugh about. These women, who by the way are beautiful and successful, go out with three guys of their choice from the candidates on the show, and have to make a decision on who to continue with. It’s cute in a way, I guess. “Do you think we’d ever be that desperate to go on a show like that?” “Well,” I laugh and drink more of my wine. “We’d have to be single and I’m pretty sure our husbands will go all alpha male ape shit on those guys. It’s a lose-lose situation.” “You’re right,” she sighs and grabs her glass of wine from the table. “Thanks for having me over. I love girl time.” Tonya’s been over since noon and we have been lazy slugs all day. From giving each other manicures and pedicures we relaxed outside and tanned then made chicken salad for lunch and sat on the couch talking about everything and anything. We even tried doing Zumba in the living room after a few glasses of wine and fell on our asses after one song. We deserve a day like this especially since our husbands are out saving the world. “Whatcha thinking about?” Tonya asks me while refilling her glass and mine. “We need more, by the way.” “You know where it is, so grab another bottle,” I point to the kitchen. “With pleasure. So what’s going on with you? We haven’t had a lazy day in forever.” “I know,” I sigh. “Just wanted to not think about anything, you know?” “I get it, babe. Have you heard from him today?” I check my phone and read the last messages we sent to one another. “Not since six.” “Oh shit! It’s almost ten,” she groans and plops back down on the couch. “I’m crashing here tonight.” “You’re more than welcome to.” “Good. Okay, back to trashy TV.”

We clink our glasses and go back to a world where we can be lazy and not worry about what’s going on.





After two weeks of nonstop work and stressing out the guys can relax a little bit and breathe for once. They made some arrests and the case is progressing. There’s still a lot of loose ends, but Clarke feels confident they’ll see the end to this case soon. Mayor Warren is excited, but I have a gut feeling something is going to happen. I don’t tell anyone how I’m feeling and I hope it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. Walking outside I see the guys with Evan by the grill and Tonya pouring us another margarita. Taking a seat next to her I adjust my sunglasses and enjoy the delicious margarita in my hand. This is how our days should be every day-surrounded by our friends and drinking a margarita. “You know what?” Tonya starts to say. “What?” “Our guy friends are H.O.T! Especially Mason and Devin. Why do you think they’re single? I mean, come on, they’re hot, officers and carry handcuffs.” She winks and creepily stares at our friends. Nearly spitting my drink I turn and slowly lower my sunglasses to see what she’s talking about. “Well first I can’t even look at Mason like that. We’ve known each other for so long and Devin’s like a brother so I’m out with your creepy observations and lust. Honestly, my husband is the hottest.” “Pssh whatever. Look at Clarke and the way his shirt is screaming for him to take it off so I can admire his body. You know for a man his age he’s damn hot.” “You okay over there? Need a moment?” “Oh shut up. Yes I am horny as hell and it’s because my husband would rather spend all of his time at the station than come home and be with me. It’s so annoying.” “Tell me about it,” I mutter in agreement. “We haven’t had sex in forever and I’m dying. But, this is the life we agreed to.” Tonya sighs and excuses herself from the table. Looking over at the guys I smile and wave. Our best friend, Mason, looks up and smiles at me then looks away. There’s something going on with everyone and I want to know what’s going on. I know Evan won’t tell me. Everything is kept secret, but maybe Mason will let me in. I take out my phone and send him a text. Me: What’s going on? Mason: What do you mean? Me: Shut up and don’t lie to me. I mean it. What’s going on? I feel tension. Mason: The case as usual.

Me: That’s all you can tell me? Mason: Sorry, creepy. Me: Oh shut up, ugly! Mason: Ugly? Me: Yep. Mason: Right. I know you better than that, Care. You think I’m sexy as fuck. Admit it, baby. Say it and let me hear you. Me: GAG.

Tonya comes back and sits down again. “Who ya texting?” Tonya asks and I show her it’s Mason. “Ew, Mason,” she rolls her eyes. “Honestly, sometimes he thinks he’s God’s gift to the world.” “You think he’s sexy,” I remind her. Tonya sighs and nods her head. “He is. But I don’t need him knowing that I think he’s hot,” she laughs and her tone changes. “The case is fucking getting on my nerves.” I put away my phone and turn to face her so we can talk. “It’s frustrating, tiring and stupid,” I explain without sounding too much like a bitch. I know this is what Evan loves to do, but his cases are always a priority and I hate to wonder how long we’ll have to do this for. “This case is blowing my mind. How can one man get away with so much?” “Trust me. I get it.” Tonya Smith does get it. She’s married to Clarke Smith who is also Chief of Webster PD. They’re holding off on getting pregnant until things settle with his two-year-long case. Looking at my best friend I know she wants more than anything to be a mom and she would make a beautiful mother. “And to make it worse no one’s talking. They’re all afraid of this jackass. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad they’re making progress, but it’s still a hard case. There’s too many people involved and not a lot of evidence.” “Seriously,” I agree. “I wonder how long this case will go on for. I feel like it’s taking over our lives.” Tonya nods her head and we drink our drinks. Looking over I see Evan’s face and I don’t like his expression. The look he has is telling me he just heard some bad news and quickly I get up and find out what the hell is going on. As soon as I approach them they stop talking and I have to keep my annoyance at bay. “So?” I ask with my hands on my waist. “What’s going on?” “Nothing,” Evan tells me in his leave it alone tone. I hate that fucking tone. “Don’t worry, babe.” He manages to put a smile on his face and places his hand on my arm. “Go back with Tonya.” “Really?” I raise a brow and move away so he’s not touching me anymore. He thinks I’m a child and treats me as such. “So that little expression was for what? I’m not stupid, Evan. If you can treat me like your wife and not a child and be real with me then I’ll go back with Tonya. I know you and I know that whatever you’re working on is pissing you off. I am here for you.” “Babe, stop, okay? I have explained this over and over to you. I am not allowed to talk about the case. Yes, I have an expression on my face and that’s because a lot of shit is going on, so for fuck’s sake get it through your head that things are happening. Okay?” Evan raises his voice a little and I’m taken aback. He never raises his voice and right now I want to slap him. “If you want me to stop treating you like a child then stop acting like one.” Without saying another word I go back to Tonya and finish my drink and pour another. I feel my

phone buzz and ignore it until I feel it again. Mason: Don’t take it personally. Mason: He’s under a lot of stress. Me: Stop defending him. Mason: Don’t be like this, Care. Me: Okay. I’ll be whatever I want to be. He had no right to yell at me and use swear words. Mason: I know. I’ll talk to him.

When the food is done everyone sits at the table on the deck and we talk about anything other than the case. I’m still mad at Evan and slightly embarrassed he would raise his voice to me in front of the guys, who are also our friends, so it shouldn’t matter, but it does. I know I’ve been annoying and ruthless about wanting to know more. He can’t blame me for wanting to know if he’s safe or not. It’s scary knowing there are people out there who will shoot a cop without thinking or people who will hurt others without a second thought. This world’s unpredictable and it’s hard to fathom all the dangerous possibilities. All I want to know is if he’s safe and if we should be worried or not. Looking at Evan irritates me even more. He thinks he has to be this macho jackass when really he doesn’t. There’s nothing he can say or do that’ll impress his friends. He has nothing to prove to them. I’m his wife and I should be privy to this information. I feel his hand on my thigh and I swat it away. His eyes are on me and I ignore him. I’m not giving into his little demands. He can sleep with blue balls tonight for all I care. We haven’t had sex in forever so what’s another night. “What about in a few weeks we all take a trip to NYC?” Mason suggests. “EDC is happening and I think we all need to let loose.” “A little too old for that, bud,” Clarke responds. “You’re a little too old, but we,” Mason points to the rest of us, “are still hot and young. Plus, come on, we need a weekend away from this shit.” “Sounds like fun,” I say and Tonya nods her head. “You don’t like that kind of music and I can’t imagine you at an EDC concert. You’re too fragile,” Evan laughs. “I do too, ass. I like Zedd, and Chainsmokers is growing on me.” “Mainstream,” he rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Ass.” We continue to talk about upcoming plans when Clarke’s phone goes off and I hear Tonya’s unsatisfied groan. “I’m sorry. Excuse me.” Tonya tosses her fork on the plate and grabs her drink. I do the same and watch the guys as they stare inside at Clarke. Something’s up and it’s not good. “What’s up, Chief?” Devin asks when Clarke returns. “Some new developments. We’ll need to head back to the station in a little bit.” He sighs and places his arm around Tonya’s shoulders. Heading inside I grab a bottle of red wine and uncork the bottle. It’s going to be a long night and I’m sure Tonya’s going to stay with me. Taking in a breath I place my hands on the counter and my head sags down. I’m fighting the tears of frustration and curse under my breath. Evan’s hand rubs my back and it

calms me down. I relish his touch and yearn for more. Turning around I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him close to me. Something deep inside is fighting to get my attention and I wish I knew how to process these feelings. “Just tell me you’re safe.” “I wish I could, babe.” “That’s not what I need to hear from you,” I mutter and hold him closer. “You need to be safe. I need you to be safe. I need you to let me in. I need you to open up to me. I don’t need to know everything about the cases you’re working. All I want to know is if you’re safe and what you need from me.” “I know,” he tells me and rubs my back. “The best thing you can do for me is have faith and love me, Caroline. Love me and trust me enough to know I’m always going to come home to you.” Evan leans down and kisses my forehead. “I wish I never became a cop because I know this isn’t fair to you, Caroline. But, your strength is keeping me alive. Thank you for standing by my side and keeping me floating. I have to get going. Tonya’s staying here with you so be sure to lock the doors and set the alarm.” I nod my head. I know how this works. I hear commotion in the kitchen and know Mason and Devin are cleaning up. “Just come back to me.” “I always will.” Tonya and I quietly clean as well since there’s nothing else to do. We quietly work and I have to fight the tears in my eyes. The guys left over two hours ago and neither of us has said anything. We’re robots, just cleaning, putting things away and drinking wine. After we’re done cleaning we head upstairs and lie down on my bed. Again neither of us are saying anything and we’re both holding our cell phones close so we don’t miss anything. It’s almost one in the morning and still nothing. Tonya’s frantic and I know she’s hiding something from me. “Stop bullshitting and tell me now.” “I can’t,” she says and avoids looking at me. “I really can’t.” “Tonya . . .” She looks at me with sincerity in her eyes. “Evan’s been marked for a hit.” “What?” I clench my fists together and close my eyes, trying to get a hold of reality, and remember he’s been highly trained and knows what he’s doing. This is Evan; one of the strongest men I know. He’s going to be okay and it’s not like this is the first time he’s had a hit out for him. “Okay, okay,” I finally say. “This isn’t new to us and he’ll be okay. What else do you know?” “One of the guys they arrested, Rico, he’s starting to talk, and it’s going okay. But something’s going on and I’m not sure what exactly.” “What do you mean?” “Rico keeps talking about a mole in the department,” Tonya explains and clenches the pillow to her chest. “It’s worrying the shit out of Clarke and he’s telling the guys tonight.” “There’s no mole in the department. They’ve kept this case pretty air tight. I mean, what the hell is

going on?” I rub my temples to prevent the headache that’s about to hit me. I can’t keep all of this shit straight. First Evan has a hit out for him and now there might be a mole in the department. “Clarke just texted me.” “And?” “Rico’s dead.”





“This is fucking bullshit,” I shout and toss the mug across the room. “Our only suspect and he’s fucking dead. What the fuck happened, Devin?” “He came at me with a shank. I had to do what I needed to.” “Coulda shot his fucking leg or something,” Mason argues. “You have no fucking idea what you’ve done. All of our investigation is worth shit and now we’re back to where we started two years ago.” Slumping on the bench in the locker room I hang my head in my hands and think about Caroline and what I’m putting her through. I know Tonya told her everything and I’m sure she’s freaking out about it. “Did he say anything else?” I whisper. “No,” Devin says. “Why the hell do you guys think we could have trusted him? He only was talking to get out of a life sentence without parole. Come on guys, don’t let this shit get to you. We’ll figure it out.” “Whatever, man.” I stand up and face him. “I get it. You needed to protect yourself, but you know what this case means to the department and what Rico knew could have saved me. That’s Javier’s brother. Whatever he knew was worth something,” I yell and slam my fist into the locker. “What the fuck!” “You’re going to be fine,” Mason tells me and turns his back to Devin. “We’ll figure this shit out. You need to go home and go to Care. She needs you, man.” “And do what? Look my wife in the eyes and tell her I’m a dead man walking?” I shake my head. “This isn’t the life I want for her. We should be planning for a family and I should be home more.” Shaking my head I lean against the lockers and think about my promises to her. “This isn’t the life I want for her,” I repeat. Slamming my fist into the locker I turn and head out. I can’t go home so instead I head to the closest bar and hopefully figure this shit out. Sitting at the bar with my empty tumbler I haven’t been able to come up with a plan. I look at my phone, looking at the picture of my beautiful wife and look away. I don’t deserve her. She doesn’t deserve to have this life and she shouldn’t have to suffer. Things are shitty and I’m making her go through this shit. When will all of this be over? I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up to see familiar eyes. A smile that makes me smile and soon everything I’m worrying about goes away. “It’ll be okay. I’m here and we’re going to get through this.”

“How do you know?” I ask and sigh. “You shouldn’t be here. You know this. We had a deal. I can’t do this with you.” Guilt takes over, but I don’t look away. There’s only so much a man can take and feel. Right now I don’t feel like a man when it comes to my marriage and Caroline. Right now I feel like a fucking loser and I can’t even give my wife what she wants. “I can’t stay away from you. Come with me.” The plea I hear is what I need. I need to feel something, anything, and I know I will soon. “Usual spot,” I say and leave cash on the bar. “This is the last time though. I can’t do this anymore.” “I know.” Leaving the bar with her I look around and stop in my tracks. “Go there. I’ll meet you,” I tell her and watch her leave. Turning around I see Mason making his way to me. “Please fucking tell me I’m not seeing this shit, Evan.” “Let it go, man. I need this.” “You fucking need to let that shit go and go back to Caroline. Why the fuck are you doing this? Caroline’s the love of your life and you’re going back to that woman? You stood before her and everyone vowing to love her forever and forsake all others.” “You don’t get it,” I scream. “With Caroline I don’t feel like a man. With her I have to pretend my job isn’t fucking with my head and that I could die. But when I’m with her,” I point the opposite direction, indicating my repeated mistake, “everything feels right.” “You’re fucked up, man. I have no idea who the hell I’m looking at right now. You have an amazing wife, but instead you’re throwing it away for an empty booty call.” “I care about her, okay? And I love Caroline.” “Can’t have the best of both worlds, man,” Mason explains and turns away from me. It’s one more night to forget and to feel like a fucking man again.





Our champagne glasses clink together and a smile appears on his face. This is the smile I love and will always love. It’s been a hell of a month and now we can finally relax. The case is coming to an end and soon they’re going to court. I can’t begin to explain my excitement, especially since now Evan’s going into teaching and we can practice making a baby. “Happy anniversary, babe,” he says, taking my hand in his. “To forever. A lifelong journey to our love. You mean everything to me, Caroline. I love you so much. Thank you for staying by my side through all of this. I know things haven’t been easy. At least now we can breathe.” “Forever,” I respond and feel his lips on my hand. God I love this man. Looking into his eyes I see our future. Hopefully by this time next year I’ll be holding our baby in my arms and looking into the eyes of the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. “It has been a rough two years. But I promised I’d stay by your side and I have. Every step of the way. It’s you and me until the end, Evan.” “Always.” “Evan,” I start to say, “let’s go home.” Without another moment he asks for the check and drinks the rest of his champagne. After paying for our bill, he grabs my hand and pulls me out of my chair as we rush out of the fancy restaurant ready to end the night with romance and hot sex. Giggling behind him I get in the car and realize I left my clutch inside. “Shit.” “What?” He groans and looks at me with his sad puppy eyes. “Did you leave something at the restaurant?” Slowly nodding my head I hear his groan. “I left my clutch inside.” “You’re impossible,” he laughs and leans over to kiss the tip of my nose. “But I love you.” “I’m sorry.” “Don’t worry.” Evan kisses my lips and cups my face. “I’ll be right back.” “Hurry!” I anxiously tell him, wanting to go home and feel his body on mine. “I’ll start without you,” I wink.

“Fuck, babe.” “Mmm hmm.” Watching him walk back inside I roll down the window and whistle to get his attention. “Hey, handsome.” Evan turns around with a shit eating grin. “Happy anniversary. Thanks for making me Mrs. Caroline Reed. I love you.” “Thanks for saying yes. I love you too.” Reaching over I grab the auxiliary cord and plug it into my iPhone. Opening my music app I look through my sexy time playlist and pick a classic. Listening to the words of the song I think about the day we shared, from breakfast in bed, making love in the shower, bed, and kitchen table and finally getting dressed to go out for the day. We took the hour drive to Buffalo and spent the day at the zoo and finished with shopping. I needed a new Michael Kors purse and he delivered. Today with Evan is something I’ll never forget. He treated me like a queen and I felt his love every moment. Looking out the window and then to my phone I realize he’s been gone for a few minutes. It shouldn’t take this long to grab my clutch. I’m about to open the car door when I hear screaming and gun shots. Closing the car door again I call 911 and panic when I realize Evan’s still inside. The calm operator answers and I scream, telling her what I’m hearing and yell for help. “This is Caroline Reed. Officer Reed of the WPD is inside and I have no idea what’s going on. Please,” I scream. “Please hurry!” “Caroline I understand you’re scared and have no idea what’s going on. Try to remain calm, help is on the way. Please stay in your car. I can stay on the phone with you.” Not being able to answer I hang up the phone and try to stay calm. Everything’s going to be okay. Evan’s going to be fine. Opening the car door I rush towards the restaurant. I don’t care what’s going on. I need to get to Evan and make sure he’s okay. People are rushing out of the restaurant and I run faster when someone grabs me and takes me away. “No!” I scream. “Let me go!” “Ma’am please we have to get out of here. There’s a shooter and people have been shot.” “Shot? What?” My stomach drops and I frantically look around. “Wait! My husband! My husband had to go back inside. Stop! I have to get him.” The man ignores me and continues to run from the scene. I’m thrashing in his arms and all I can think about is Evan. When he puts me down I see Mason coming out of the squad car and runs to me. “Mase! Evan’s inside. Please hurry!” “Care, stay here,” he orders me and takes out his gun to go inside. Devin follows close behind him and I pray to God my world won’t be shattered. Thoughts are rushing through my head. Evan has to be okay. He knows how to talk to criminals and how to properly handle hostage situations. This is what he does and this is what he excels in. He understands them and I know he’ll be able to calm the shooter down. I slowly breathe in and out. Evan’s going to be fine. He’ll walk out of the restaurant with Mason and they’ll be safe. We’ll go home and put this night behind us. “Please, God,” I prayer. “Please watch over Evan, Mason and Devin. Please watch over our friends. Please.” My eyes don’t leave the front of the restaurant. With my arms hugging my body, I stand frozen and wait for someone to bring me news. I wait to see my handsome husband walking out and taking me into

his arms. A few more minutes pass and I see Mason walking towards me. The look in his empty eyes tells me everything I don’t want to know. “Stop. No,” I mutter and slowly move away from him. This isn’t happening. He’s not going to tell me what’s going on. “Don’t.” I raise my hand to him to stop him from saying anything. “Mason, please don’t,” the tone in my voice breaks and tears falls from my eyes. “Please, Mason,” I whimper. “Care . . .” “No!” Mason rushes to me and brings me into his arms. I slam my fists into his chest and scream for Evan. “Why?” I cry and cling onto Mason. “Evan.”



Nine Months Later

The trouble with death and life is we never think today will be the day we lose everything. We don’t think about saying our goodbyes or making each day count. The problem with death is it doesn’t give you any timelines. Death just happens and it takes away everything you love and know. Death is impossible to avoid and no matter what you do when it’s your time there’s not much you can do about it. Not only is death a bitch, but it doesn’t care who gets hurt or who has to deal with the ramifications. All of the trails of tears and broken hearts from losing someone, and death doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process. It’s a nasty thing and stubborn as shit. People who are left behind are left with unanswered questions and a grief so strong it overwhelms your entire being. You’re gone. You lied and broke your promise. You’re never coming home. Now I’m here . . . Alone. These words and sayings are the saddest. I’m never going to be whole again. How can I think about being better when the one man who I love is gone and never coming back? I have nothing left of him except memories and those memories I can’t hold in my arms and breathe in. There’s no refresh button on life. There’s no comfort in words from your loved ones and no matter what happens nothing ever makes sense. Life without Evan isn’t getting easier. Every night I dream about the night of the shooting and the week in the hospital. I remember the medics putting him on a gurney and putting him in the ambulance. I remember Mason and Devin sitting with me in the waiting room as I sobbed and prayed. Devin paced the room and Mason sat with me. We waited for hours and when the doctor came out he said Evan’s in a coma. I stood there ready to crumble and Mason had to catch me. The doctor led me into Evan’s room and I sat next to him, holding his hand, and asking him to fight and to come back to me. Mason called his parents and brother and I sat there lifeless. With each noise from the machines a piece of me broke. Deep down I knew my husband, the love of my life, was gone and there was nothing I could do. Mason drove me home the next morning so I could shower and gather myself. Mary and Rick, Evan’s

parents, stayed while Christian, his brother, looked online for any answers and talked to the doctors. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone. Every day I sat in that hospital room and waited. I waited for him to open his eyes and show me that smile. I waited to hear his voice and for him to tell me he loves me. I waited to hear him say forever. The machines beeped and kept him alive. I’d wash his face with a washcloth and read to him. He loved reading books by James Patterson, so every day I read and hope he heard me. Visitors came in and stayed with us. Officers from the police department checked on us and brought me food. They were sweet and gave me space when I needed it. Then there was Mason. He was a permanent shadow to us when he wasn’t on duty and kept me company when I needed someone by my side. Our best friend and someone we leaned on for almost everything. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for us, and I knew I should’ve reached out to him after the funeral, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. The three of us have been friends since high school. It was always the three of us and when Evan and I started dating, Mason was our third and then college came and Mason found out why college was great. The girls threw themselves at him and the parties were crazy good. Living out in Buffalo was fun and for four years we lived the life we were meant to live. Every memory I have involved Mason and I was thankful he was around. Slowly waking from a restless sleep I turn on my side and touch the space where Evan would sleep. I close my eyes and remember the day we took him off life support. The doctors explained that even if he survived, he wouldn’t be Evan. There was too much damage from the shooting and they did everything they could. Unless a miracle happened, Evan was gone. There was one night we talked about what would happen if he ever was in a coma and was diagnosed with being comatose. Evan didn’t want this and he made it clear. I thought about his quality of life and knew this wasn’t what he wanted. I knew he didn’t want to be kept alive by machines. Kissing his lips and holding his hand I whispered how much I love him and how much I’ll miss him. His family and close friends surrounded the bed. Christian held me as I sobbed and begged for a miracle. I thought for one moment Evan would come back, but I was wrong. Everyone said their goodbyes and it was my turn. I had to say goodbye to him and at that moment I knew I was never going to be the same. Leaning over I whispered how much I loved him and I hoped he was resting in peace. “Until we meet again,” I cried and kissed his lips. Throwing myself onto him, I screamed for answers, and screamed for someone to bring Evan back to me. Mason put his arms around me and told me I had to let go, but I couldn’t. It took him and Christian to get me off Evan. When they did I crumbled in Christian’s arms and watched as Mason turned off the machines. There was no way I could. When I heard the line go flat I fainted and everything went black. Taking the framed picture from the nightstand I cling it to my chest and try to smile. I try to remember my husband for the strong and selfless man he was and hold onto that thought. When I sit up on our bed I look at the picture and trace his face with my shaky fingers. I love this picture of Evan and me. It was taken on our wedding day and the smiles on our faces bring tears to my eyes. “I miss you, Evan,” I whisper and bring the picture to my lips. I hope he can feel my kiss in heaven. I hope he can float down and lie with me. I don’t feel him anymore and it scares the living shit out of me. How is this my life? Why did Evan leave me? I’m not sure how to go on. I’m not sure what to do. My life is empty. Everything is dull and the beauty of life is gone. The sun doesn’t shine like it normally does

and the stars have lost their brilliance. When I feel the wind blowing I don’t feel calm or at peace. I feel as though the wind’s going to take me away from this place and I’ll never have to feel pain again. I see darkness and gloom everywhere I look. The emotions fester inside and my heart breaks all over again. Losing the love of my life eats away at my soul. I’m not whole without Evan. I had the perfect life. We were high school sweethearts and never broke up. He was the only man I loved and the only man I allowed inside me. He captured my heart and soul and we were building our lives together. We were supposed to go away this summer for three months and travel the world. We wanted a baby. We wanted a family. But now that’s not possible. I can’t see tomorrow without crying and wanting to join Evan in Heaven is always on my mind. But I stop myself. Every time I think about taking my own life I cry and feel the hurt in my chest. Fuck life. Fuck love. Fuck it all. The next morning I wake up and try to do something productive. Slowly getting out of bed I make my way to the closet and slip on one of his button down shirts. I slowly button the shirt and instantly smell him. Walking out of the bedroom I sit at the counter in the kitchen and stare at the dishes in the sink and look at the open cabinets. Tonya hasn’t been over in a few days and I don’t blame her. She’s giving me space after the explosion I had on her last time. The thing is I love my best friend and she means the world to me. The thing I don’t like is being forced to do something I’m not ready for. She wants me to go out and go shopping and be active. She doesn’t like me locked up, but what she doesn’t realize is how safe I feel when no one is around me. I don’t want any of that. Being home where I’m safe and alone is where I need to be. No one can hurt me or see my pain. Looking at my phone that I left on the kitchen counter I see the missed calls from my mom. I know she’s hurting and feeling lost with my depression, but if only everyone could understand I lost my best friend and husband and I need time to grieve, that would be great. For fuck’s sake I lost the one man I love and you can’t explain that type of pain. This type of pain sears through your body in a constant movement. It never goes away. I find myself looking at the door or waiting for my phone to ring and it breaks my heart over and over again because I know he’ll never walk through those doors and I’ll never hear his voice. On top of losing Evan, I’ve lost sight for the meaning of life. Everything’s changed and sometimes I don’t want to see a tomorrow. There’s no end to my grief and this journey is never ending. Aimlessly walking around my house I stare at the blank television and imagine Evan sitting next to me. We’re holding hands and things are good and comfortable. After sitting on the couch for a while I finally get up and go back to the kitchen. In front of me are stacks of mail and I turn away. I can’t look at anything and frankly I don’t care. It’s June now and I didn’t go back to school and teach. I’ve lost the desire to teach and as understanding as the school was I know they’re disappointed. I’m disappointed too. I miss my students and I miss teaching, but I just couldn’t do it. Standing in the middle of class, teaching students about the theme and symbolism of the book, or teaching seniors about college and entering the real world or helping my squad make it to states; it’s all trivial. It’s all not worth it. If I don’t have the fight and strength in me then how do I expect my students to fight for their passion of literature. Putting my head down I close my eyes for a moment and pretend to be whole again. Hearing the door open and close I don’t move. I know it’s Tonya and I know she’s up to some crazy idea that I’ll want to do

something. When I lift my head and open my eyes Tonya’s smiling and has a skip to her step. “Hey.” She smiles and walks in with a bag of food and coffee. “How are you?” “The same,” I respond weakly. “I’m sorry for calling you a bad friend. You aren’t. I’m just mad and I don’t know how to handle it.” “I know, babe. I know.” She puts down the food and coffee and starts to grab plates and silverware. “Have you had anything to eat?” I shake my head. “Okay good. I have pancakes, fruit, bacon, home fries and coffee.” “Thank you. I’m not that hungry.” “Eat what you can, okay?” I nod my head and start putting some food on my plate. I grab a pancake, a strip of bacon and some home fries. I’ll save the fruit for later. Taking the coffee I slowly take a sip and enjoy the taste of caffeine with some cream and sugar. Not too much sweetness because coffee shouldn’t taste like candy. “Thank you, Tonya.” “You’re welcome. So do you want to do anything today?” “We can try,” I smile and try to mean it. Tonya’s doing the best she can and if she’s not giving up on me then I shouldn’t give up on me. Maybe going out for a walk or spending time by the pool will help. “Do you want to walk the canal? Maybe check out some shops and stop to get a cupcake?” “Sure,” I tell her, “that sounds like fun.” We finish our breakfast and I head back upstairs to get ready. Quickly taking a shower I throw on a pair of Capri yoga pants and a light purple V-neck tee shirt. Sitting down on my bed I turn and look at the picture of Evan and me. “I’m going out today, Evan,” I explain with some happy emotion. “Tonya’s here and I think today will be fun.” I stop talking and take a moment to catch my breath. “Will you be near me today?”





When we get home I feel a little better and relaxed. Tonya makes us a dinner of grilled chicken salad and we sit outside on the deck. “Do you want to keep talking?” I sigh and sip on my white wine. Tonya is the only person I’ll talk to about Evan. She knows me and understands my struggles with accepting his death. The reality of the situation is I don’t think I’ll let go especially with the guilt and pain from our marriage. “Evan and I weren’t perfect. We tried and I don’t know. When I was going through his things I felt something.” “What do you mean?” “I don’t know. Something felt off or maybe it’s just me.” “You know he loved you from the bottom of his heart. I don’t think there should be anything you should feel weird about,” Tonya reassures me. I let out a laugh. “He was going to ask for a new assignment. He wanted to teach at the academy because of me and I think he resented me.” “That’s normal. Clarke resents me all the time when I bring up retiring and starting a family. I mean, I get it, he’s thirty-five and doesn’t see himself being a dad, but I want to be a mom. I want more.” “That’s how I feel too,” I explain. “But there were so many times he stormed out of the house and I have no idea where he went. I tried, Tonya. And sometimes I think this is karma biting me in the ass.” “No. Don’t say that.” Her reassuring tone helps, but I know the truth deep inside. Sometimes we as humans can’t see what’s in front of us because when we open our eyes the truth is staring back at us and sometimes it’s what we don’t want to know. “The week before he died we got into a fight because he was spending so much time at the bar. When he came home I smelled perfume on him and I screamed that I hope he dies. Then, he does. So what does that say?” “It says you were hurt and allowed your emotions to get in the way. It happens, babe. Don’t beat yourself up.” “I know and it’s not like our marriage was toxic. I just think partly we got comfortable. You know? And what if he was cheating on me?” The thought kills me. I never had to venture out or was curious about other men.

Each night when Evan came home I swore he smelled like sex. I checked the cell phone records and everything was clean, but I knew Evan and his intelligence. One night when he came home I took his car keys and looked through his car. Nothing stood out to me. It was probably all in my head, but what married man goes to the bar every weekend without his wife? Tonya reaches over and takes my hand into hers. She smiles and nods and without having me explain more I know she gets it. We get each other. Both of our husbands are officers and when they’re gone there’s a piece of you that goes with them. You worry and wonder if they’re going to be okay. That void eats away at you until you hear the door open and see them walking through the door. And Evan didn’t make it out of the restaurant. He’s never going to come back through the doors and give me a hug. We’re never going to feel the passion or fight about something stupid. I miss him and will always miss him, but I have to find a way to move on before I become the crazy cat lady. “Okay, enough of this. Let’s hit up a bar and let loose a little.” We’ve been drinking wine for a few hours and I am a little tipsy. Thinking about Evan and his possible cheating ass makes me mad. Thinking about him possibly being unfaithful doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t want to think about it. I want to drink and let the alcohol do the thinking and talking. “No,” I instantly say. “No. Not going, Tonya. I have a lot of wine here. We can sit and drink. Going out doesn’t mean anything to me.” An evil smirk comes on her face and I know I’ll be going to the bar with her and most likely will regret it. I hate my best friend. We’ve been drinking shots and mixed drinks for the past hour and are having a good time. I’m laughing and smiling and not allowing my sadness to take over. It’s girl’s night and we’re making the bar our bitch. “Another round, sir,” Tonya slurs to the bartender and he smiles while shaking his head. “Another orgasm?” “Oh yes, please, baby.” She throws back her head and laughs. Seriously my five-foot-one, curvy as hell, blonde hair and blue-eyed best friend is too much. I shake my head and finish my drink by the time hottie bartender hands us our shots. Tonya turns to me and raises her shot glass. “To my partner in crime. Tonight’s for you, babe, so live it up and drink it down because you’re going to smile again.” This does make me smile and after we clink our shot glasses and take the delicious concoction someone puts their arm around me and I jerk away. “Hey,” the strange man slurs and kisses my cheek. “Excuse me,” I push away and look at Tonya. “No thank you. As you can see I’m here with my friend, so please leave.” “Is this seat empty?” “Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.” I smirk and see that my rejection towards his dumb pickup line is exciting him. “So you know quickie has u and I together.” I burst out laughing, turning to Tonya and the bartender who are enjoying this little scene. “Too bad ugly starts with u,” I tell him and hopefully now he gets the hint. “Oh come on. I saw you checking me out.”

“Ah no. You should probably get yourself checked because there’s no way I would have been checking you out,” I let him know. Usually guys take the hint kind of fast, but this one needs a few reminders of me not being interested. Liquid courage, thank goodness. “Leave, okay?” Tonya and I move to the other side of the bar and I see her taking out her phone, but don’t ask what she’s doing. Knowing her it’s going to be another selfie. The next twenty minutes pass and I desperately have to pee. Telling Tonya I’ll be back, I get up from the barstool and head to the bathroom. After doing my business I wash my hands and look in the mirror. “You’re having fun. This will be okay,” I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. “You’ll be okay.” Smiling and reapplying some more gloss I head back out when I feel arms grabbing my waist and pulling me back. “I knew you wanted me,” I hear his sick familiar voice again. “Let me go, asshole,” I tell him and try to break away. Everything Evan and Mason have taught me goes blank and I freeze. I frantically look around for Tonya or someone. I try to scream for help and nothing comes out. I’m frozen. “I know you want me. Stop denying it. Girls always go together to the bathroom and here you are . . . alone.” I feel his hot breath against my neck and his hand slowly sliding up my dress. “Don’t fight it.” “Tonya!” I scream. “Tonya!” I close my eyes and keep trying to break free when all of a sudden I’m up against the wall. “What the fuck!” I hear him scream and open my eyes to find Mason punching the creeper. “Caroline!” I turn to see Tonya, and I run to her. “Oh, are you okay?” I nod and refuse to look away. “Get up, you filthy animal. You’re under arrest for assault.” I look up and see Mason in his uniform. He’s handcuffing the creeper and gives me a look. I nod my head and he smiles. “Come on, let’s go home,” Tonya says and we walk out after Mason. When we get home, Clarke is waiting outside and helps Tonya carry me in since I’m way too drunk to even walk. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t look at the creeper and I didn’t do anything wrong. I feel dirty. I feel wrong. I feel . . .





Leaving the asshole with Devin I hurry to Caroline’s house to check on her. Caroline’s my best friend, but lately I haven’t been a very good friend. I used to count on her for almost everything and all the times she saved me from high school to college to the academy. She’s an amazing woman and someone I truly admire. And now I feel like the biggest fucking douchebag in the world. It’s been a while since I’ve seen or talked to her. When Evan died, I couldn’t manage to do much of anything. My best friend and brother, gone, without warning or notice. I stayed home for a while and then got back to work. My goal was to get to the bottom of the hit and why. Evan was a good cop and good man. He made some idiotic mistakes and I questioned his judgment, but never did I think he’d die and leave us. When I rush through the door I see her wobbling on the couch and run to her side. Pulling her into my arms, I hear Tonya giving me orders about what to do with her. “I got it, Tonya,” I tell her and turn my attention back to Caroline. “You’re okay. I’m here.” “Mason, is she okay?” Tonya screams again and tugs on my arm. “Clarke, get her out. Caroline needs a minute.” I hear Clarke getting Tonya under control and when the front door closes, I turn back to Caroline and see her pale as a ghost with eyes wild and wide. I force myself to calm down and not think about the text message from Tonya asking me to swing by with Devin. As soon I got the text message I got to the bar within minutes and seeing the filth’s arms around her, something inside me snapped and I lost my cool. When I feel her hand on my face I turn my head back to her and see her calm. “Are you okay?” She nods. “You sure?” She shakes her head. “I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to do anything, but I have to live my life. Things,” she pauses and pulls away from me. Cowering over in the corner of the couch she brings her legs up under her and lies down. “Everything sucks.” I look into her deep brown eyes and move her hair to the side. “You’re okay, Care. I promise.” “Don’t make promises, Mase. Just don’t.” “Care, listen to me,” I calmly say and instantly relax when I realize everything is fine and she’s not hurt. “Shit happens. You have to do things and get out of the house. Even if you go to the bar, it’s part of life.”

“Getting assaulted?” “No. That shit was scary and, baby, I know it sucks. It just happens, though.” Caroline eyes me and tries to push me away. I don’t move and instead of listening to what she wants I pull her up and sit down with her on my lap. Quickly she gets off and sits on the other side of the sofa. Seeing her like this kills me. She’s a strong woman and can handle herself, but since Evan died the woman I used to know is a ghost. “Talk to me, Care. Don’t shut down.” “I’m not shutting down, Mase. Just don’t feel like doing much, so if you would leave me alone that’d be great. You’ve been gone for months and I’m dealing with this as well as I can. What do you care anyways? Don’t you have a woman to fuck?” “Not happening.” “Well you need to finish your shift, so go. I’m fine. Leave me alone and don’t come back. I’ve been fine without you. You aren’t my knight in shining whatever. You’re just a manwhore slut who forgot all about me.” I take the insults like a man and understand where she’s coming from. I understand I’ve been a dick and deserve her anger. “Stop, Care. I’m sorry and I’ll do anything to get my best friend back.” “If you want your best friend back then leave and don’t come back. I’ll be so perfectly fine without you.” “This isn’t over, Care.” I tell her and place her on the couch. “Not in a long shot.” “Whatever. Just go and finish whatever you need to. I’m sure some hoebag is waiting for you.” What the hell is her deal? My sex life shouldn’t concern her especially since I’m here to help her. “Care what the hell is your deal?” “What?” “Does my sex life bother you or something?” I wait for her to answer, but she doesn’t. “Just to let you know, even though it’s not important, but I haven’t had sex with anyone since Danielle.” “Whatever,” she mutters. “Come on. What’s your deal? This isn’t like you.” “And you know who I am and how I should be?” “Yeah. I’ve known you for a long time, Care. You laugh at my sex life and joke around with me. Now you’re cold and distant.” “Well, excuse me for not being Miss. Fucking Daisy Sunshine!” “I love you, Care, and I know you’re going through a really hard time, but this bitchy attitude and trying to hurt other people isn’t going to help you.” “Just leave, Mason,” she tiredly says and turns away from me. She’s right, I have a lot to do down at the station and I need to check on Devin to make sure he booked that filthy asshole. I let out a sigh and pick her up again to take her upstairs. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Looking at the pictures on the walls a pang of guilt hits me.

Opening the door to her bedroom, I lay Caroline down and sit on the edge of the bed. We don’t say anything and she stares at the ceiling. “I’m fine. You really can leave now.” “No you aren’t. Don’t lie, it doesn’t fit you.” “Well you don’t know how I’m feeling or what’s going on in my head. I can take care of myself and I let my guard down tonight. So again, if you could please just leave me alone that’d be great.” “This isn’t over, Care. I’ll be back.” “Whatever,” I hear her mutter and walk out of her bedroom. Closing the door, I listen for anything and I find silence instead. When I make it outside, Tonya and Clarke are sitting on the porch chairs and I let out a breath. I fill them in and see Tonya looking down. She won’t look at me while I’m talking. “Shouldn’t have taken her to the bar, Tonya,” I tell her. “You know she’s not one hundred percent yet. Why would you do that to her?” “I know,” she mutters. “But you don’t see what I see. You don’t hear what I hear. She’s a mess, Mason. There’s only so much I can do for her and don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining. I just want the old Caroline back.” “That’s probably not going to happen. She’s been through hell and back. I don’t think she even remembers who she used to be.” “I bet you can help her remember.” This gets my attention and I look at her, trying to figure out what plans she’s creating in her head. “How so?” “Move in with her, Mason. I think she needs you more than me.” I look at Clarke and register what Tonya suggests. “Mason?” Clarke says and I turn around muttering a few curse words under my breath. The case I’m working on is too dangerous and Caroline can never find out the details. The problem with living with her is she’ll easily have access to the case files if I bring it back to the house or she’ll go on her own investigation to find out for herself. Living with her opens too many doors that’ll expose her to things I don’t want her to know about. Caroline can never find out and when she does I have no idea what’ll happen. “I don’t know,” I answer them. For a while it’s only been me. I don’t have time to worry about anyone else. Being a police officer is all I know. Protecting this community, my friends and family is what I know. I’m not a babysitter. I’m a protector. “You know she needs you. You’re the only one who can get through to her. Whenever her and Evan fought you were there for her. Whenever he was out doing an overnight or undercover you were there. Don’t you see how important you are?” “You were too.” “Yeah, but not like you.” Tonya smiles. “You’re special to her, Mason.” “Special?” “Mmm hmm, now work your magic and bring me back my best friend.” Taking off to the station, I finish paperwork and by the time it’s six in the morning I head home and

crash on my bed. A few hours pass before my lovely mother walks in and smiles at me. “Mother.” “My darling son. You need to eat.” For the past year I’ve been living with my parents in a gated community protected by twenty-four seven security. When a threat came to my family I gave up my apartment and moved in to make sure my parents were okay. When my sister, Heather, is at college or doing clinical I’ve instructed her to text me at least three times a day to make sure she’s okay. Even though her school is only twenty minutes away I still worry. Now that she’s home for the summer, my mind goes a little crazy when she’s out of my sight. My family’s everything to me and I’ll always protect them. Being a cop this is how my life is and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. “Mother,” I say again, “I had a breakfast sandwich on the way home. I’m fine.” She rolls her eyes at me causing me to laugh. “Mason Alexander Ryan do not give me sass. I don’t care if you’re twenty-six or fifty, when I say you need to eat you get your butt out of bed and join us for breakfast.” Grabbing my phone, I look at the time. Eight in the morning. Fuck. “Okay,” I slowly get up and rub my face. “I’ll be down. Is Heather awake?” “Yes,” she smiles, “we’re waiting downstairs so hurry please.” “Will do.” Walking into the kitchen I join my family at the table and devour the breakfast in front of me: pancakes, sausage, eggs and fruit. God love my mother. She’s always cooking, baking, cleaning or something to keep herself busy. Both of my parents are retired. My mother taught high school science for thirty years and my dad retired from the force when he turned fifty-five. They’re both close to sixty and enjoying their lives. “Heard you went down to Murphy’s Law last night,” Heather looks at me with curiosity in her eyes. “You saved Caroline from what I understand.” “Caroline? How is she doing? Tell her we received her thank you card, honey. Oh that poor girl,” my mother says shaking her head and wiping a tear. “Wait, honey, you saved her?” “Ah yeah, some drunk asshole got too handsy. We arrested him and he was released this morning,” I laugh, remembering the threats of that scumbag, shouting that he’s suing us for police brutality. So scared. “Serves him right,” my dad adds in. “She okay?” I nod. “Yeah a little shaken up.” “I expect she’s still grieving over Evan. Poor girl. I wish there’s more we can do for her.” I let out a sigh and look at my parents. “She’s trying, but it’s a struggle for her. She locks herself inside all day and all night. She’s not teaching anymore and the fire she had inside of her is gone. I’m not sure if she’ll ever find herself again.” Heather scoffs and rolls her eyes. “I’m sorry I know he was your best friend and everything and I’m sorry he died, but Caroline could do so much better.” “Excuse me?”

“Heather!” my mother shouts. “What? I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking. He was an asshole to her. Do you know how many times I caught him at the bar flirting with blonde bimbos?” “He was undercover, Heather,” I tell her. “It’s part of the job.” “Oh really?” “Yes.” “So two weeks before he died I saw him at the bar. I was out with my friend, Amber, because it was her last night in town, and they were all up on each other. It was like they knew each other. And trust me I was so right.” Amber? “What the hell are you talking about?” “You don’t know your best friend after all. I’m just saying Caroline could have done better.” I let my anger calm down and look to my parents for support. Neither says anything and I put it in the back of my head to probe Heather later to find out what she knows. When we’re undercover it’s true we have to do things we aren’t proud of. Then I remember the night I found Evan at the bar leaving with someone he shouldn’t have been with. If it’s who I’m thinking, and that exact memory, I’m going to have to figure it out and keep it a secret. One time when I was undercover, I had to take a few lines of coke. It fucked with my head and blurred my vision, but I managed and pulled through. After reporting it to Clarke, we finalized the reports and went in. Devin’s had to do some shitty things too. It’s part of the job and something we agreed to when we swore in and vowed to serve and protect. When breakfast is over, I find Heather in her room and quietly close the door. She looks up at me from her computer and takes off her glasses. As much as I love my sister, sometimes, she’s a pain in the ass. She’s studying to be a doctor and I think she’ll rock this role. Since school is heavy for her, my parents are having her live at home until she’s finished with school and lands a job. There’s no way she can work and study to become a doctor. “I need to know more about Amber. What do you know?” Slight panic sets in and I control my tone so it doesn’t raise any flags to my sister. Heather sighs, “It’s not something I want to talk about. But, Amber and I met when I was in California and I told her about Webster. She got interested and told me she was moving here. One week she was here visiting and we went to the bar. She saw Evan and you know the rest.” “Are you sure?” “Positive. When I asked her about it the next day she didn’t tell me too much about it. All she said was they were friends,” Heather explains and my mind’s turning. I have to do everything I can to ensure Evan’s secrets stay where they should. Caroline can never find out about Amber or what Evan did. It’ll destroy her and she’ll never be the same. “Amber never knew about Caroline. I guess. I don’t know. We lost touch after a while. It’s like she vanished and never wanted to be found,” Heather explains to me and I do nothing instead of listen and take it all in. “Fuck, Evan,” I mutter. “I know,” Heather sighs again. “You cannot tell her. There’s no way Caroline can ever find out. Just let her have this piece of mind that Evan loved her until his final breath. She doesn’t need to know about

Amber.” “Did she go to the funeral?” Heather nods her head. “So she knows about Caroline now.” Heather nods her head again. “Fuck. She better not approach her. And you’re sure you haven’t talked to Amber?” “Nope. I tried reaching out to her a few months ago, but the number’s been disconnected. Her Facebook and Instagram have been shut down. Like I said it’s like she disappeared.” “That’s good.” I let everything sink in and holy fuck if Caroline ever finds out she’ll raise hell and that five-footthree woman scares the shit out of me when she’s pissed.





For the next few days, I stay in bed and forget the world. Tonya hasn’t stopped by because she’s out of town visiting her sister and newborn niece. She insisted I go too, but the thought of getting on a plane and being around people didn’t sit well. Honestly being home alone is what I need to do and what I want. I have everything I need and Tonya made sure to stock my fridge before she left. Everything’s going great until I get a text from Evan’s brother, Christian, and it throws me back to where I’ve been. Christian: Hey, Caroline. I hope you’re doing okay. We haven’t talked in a few months and I really need someone to talk to. I miss him. Fuck I miss my brother. It’s weird at home. My parents are still walking around like zombies and there’s a shrine of Evan at our house. We can’t let go that he was shot and killed. I mean, did you see anything? I need you to really think. Please. We need answers. We need closure.

When Mason and Devin went into the restaurant there were three bodies: my husband, the shooter, and an innocent bystander. There was no trial and no one could figure out the motive of the shooter. It’s an ongoing case and is leading to nowhere. They know who did it and planned the hit, but gathering the evidence or finding people to speak against this fucking gang is next to impossible. On the streets there’s this mentality that snitches get stitches. There’s no room for snitches, so people turn their heads while family members are left without any answers or justice. No one was brought to justice and two innocent lives were taken away from their loved ones too soon. Knowing those people are still out there and living their lives makes me sick. How can innocent people be punished while evil lurks every corner, waiting for its next victim? I read the text message over and over again. Maybe Christian’s right. I think about the night and really focus on the people there. The man pushing me back was our server and I remember seeing a few patrons and the manager I guess. Fuck, I can’t remember everything. “Think, Caroline,” I press the palm of my hand to my head. “Think!” Nothing else comes to mind. Everything seemed to be normal that night, except the shooting and losing my husband. “Why can’t I remember?” I send Christian a text back and try to be very careful with my words. He’s hurting to and I don’t want to sound like a bitch. Me: I know and I’m trying so hard, Christian. I can’t remember anything else. Everything I said from that night is what I remember. I wish I can do more and give you guys the closure we all need. Christian: I get it, Caroline. Hey, listen. Don’t be a stranger okay? We’re here for you too you know? Me: I do and I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Christian: You’re welcome.

Tired of being in bed I get up and organize some things in my room. It’s mundane and boring, but at least I’m up and moving. My eyes find the picture of us on the nightstand and I grab it, sitting on the bedroom floor, and rocking back and forth. “Evan,” I call out for him. “Can you hear me right now?” I stare at the picture and tell him about what’s going on. “I need you to help me. Help me solve this case,” I tell him and squeeze the frame in my hand. “All I want is for you to get justice. All I want is for those monsters to be behind bars for life. I just want peace of mind.” Wiping my tears I let out another breath. “Everything sucks without you. I’m scared to do anything. I’m scared to laugh or smile because I don’t want to forget about you.” In so many weird ways I feel as though if I start living my life then I’ll forget Evan and that’s not what I want to do. I want to always remember him and give his legacy a voice. I want people to know how strong he was and what he did for this community. Part of me wants to be strong enough then the other part is scared. It’s hard to put into comprehensible words what I feel like doing. What’s right? What’s wrong? How long do I grieve or do I grieve forever? Is there life after losing someone you love so much? Hearing the front door open I don’t attempt to move. It’s probably my mom since Tonya’s away. “Care!” “Mason?” I mutter and slowly get up and put the picture down. Not caring what I look like because it’s Mason I walk out of my bedroom and down the spiral staircase and meet him in the kitchen. “Mase?” “Why the fuck is your door unlocked?” “Seriously?” “Seriously.” “Hi, my neighborhood is the safest and it’s gated, so really? I think I can leave the door unlocked. And it’s not like someone will be stupid enough to rob my house or come after me. Shit, maybe they can try.” “Don’t say that.” “Why?” Mason brings me in his arms and kisses the top of my head. “When was the last time you showered?” Pushing him away I climb on top of the bar stool and twirl my oily hair. “A few days ago,” I mutter. “What’s your point? Why the hell are you here again? You and I haven’t talked in months and then out of nowhere you came to my house being a hero, pretending that you care and that I mean something to you. And now you want to come here all trying to save me. I don’t need it,” I spit out and stand my ground against him. When it comes to Mason I usually don’t argue with him, but I know what he’s doing and I’m not falling for it. For months since Evan’s death he’s blamed himself. I’m not sure if I blame him too. To be perfectly honest I blame the entire police department. If they had been doing their jobs and pushed their informant harder my husband would be alive and we’d be happy. “I’m here because you’re my best friend . . .” “Stop right there,” I slowly tell him, putting up my hand and squaring my shoulders. “First thing, we’re not best friends and secondly, you don’t need to be here. I don’t need you.” “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you okay?” He says while taking my hand and looking at me. I want to look away and tell him to get out. I want him to stop looking at me. I’m not a project and I don’t accept pity. “I’m here now. Being around you when it first happened scared me. I didn’t know how to handle it. But now, I know I want to be here and help you. I want to be your best friend again.”

“Why the hell do you want that?” Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear he smiles and continues to look at me. “Because you’re the only woman in my life who puts up with my shit and doesn’t want to sleep with me. With you, I can be myself and I know you’ll love me no matter what. So admit it, Care, you love me.” “I hate you.” “Awww, baby, I love you too.” He rubs my arm and starts laughing. “But right now you smell and need to shower.” He sniffs around and looks in the sink. “Oooookay so when was the last time you did anything with the house?” “Why?” “Well you smell and your house smells. Go shower.” “Fine,” I mutter again and lift myself off the barstool and head back upstairs. Walking into the bathroom in my bedroom I look in the mirror and gasp in horror. My hair’s a mess. My face is oily and I have a zit right on my nose. “Lord.” Shedding out of my three-day-old outfit I get in the shower and welcome the warm water to fall over my body. Standing under the spray I close my eyes and suddenly out of nowhere a scream rips through me and my fists pound against the shower walls. I hit the walls hard and my eyes remain closed. My mind is blank and it’s as though I’m having an out-of-body experience. There’s supposed to be different stages of grief and for the past nine months I’ve stayed on stage four; depression. In the weeks following Evan’s death I made dinner for us and set the table. I refused to eat and waited for him to walk through the doors. I checked my phone and called him, wondering where he was and if he was okay. Then anger came and I tore apart my house. I took a knife and stabbed the couch, over and over again, screaming and crying, asking God why He had to take away Evan from us. This anger stayed for over a month until Tonya decided to stay with me for a week and kept me busy. It helped and for a moment I thought I was going to be okay until I skipped bargaining and jumped right into depression. I couldn’t eat or see anyone. I pushed away the people who mattered and had my own pity party. I stopped going to work and received a call from the principal. I let the call go to voicemail and refused to listen to the message until Tonya came over with Walker, Principal of Webster Thomas High School, where I worked for two years teaching, and showed students how to fall in love with literature. After Evan’s death they saw I was such a mess, Walker gave me some more time off and wants me to return in September. I didn’t respond. I just nodded. It’s now June and I’m not going to work. As much as I hate feeling like a failure I can’t do it. There are so many parts of my life I miss and want back. The struggle to start living again without Evan seems impossible. “Please come back to me!” I scream and fall on my knees, my head down and the sobs wracking my body. “Evan . . .” I don’t hear the bathroom door open. I don’t see Mason open the shower curtains and I certainly don’t feel him picking me up from the shower floor and taking me to my bed to lay me down. I absently watch him grab a towel and wrap it around my wet body. I don’t say anything. I lie there, on my bed, numb and cold. “Hey, Care,” he softly says, kneeling down and gently rubbing my arm. “I’m here if you need me okay?” I don’t nod. I stare at him and he doesn’t push me. Instead he gets up and walks out of my bedroom, but leaves the door open. I watch him walk down the stairs and turn on my other side and place my hands under my head.

“Evan,” I whisper, “I miss you.” I wait for his response. And wait. And wait. There’s nothing. Mason doesn’t come back into the bedroom and for that I’m grateful. I don’t want to hear that I should be feeling better or I should be doing something more. One day the pain will go away. One day I’ll be able to stand tall and enjoy life again. One day. Whoever said that can burn in hell. Whoever said that has never experienced pain so hurtful that your world is gray and black. The pain sears through your body, capturing your heart and soul, slowly twisting the love and air, leaving you alone and dead. Dead. That’s how I feel. This will never be okay. I will never be okay. I’ll never be able to let go of the images from that night. I’ll never be able to stop hearing the flat line when Mason turned off the machines. I’ll never be able to love again. Love. Love. LOVE! Fuck love. Fuck it all. Love is a bitch and she isn’t done with me yet. She watches me from afar and makes me angry and sad. Love is supposed to give you butterflies and make you happy. This isn’t love. I lost love. Love is never coming back. I’ll never get to feel the intense love shooting through my body, reverberating through and making my heart whole. Love doesn’t want me. The woman from before, the woman with Evan, is gone and she’s never coming back. She left the day Evan left and there’s nothing to rely on. There’s nothing to grasp. I’m falling and I’ll never be able to let go of this feeling. Dread. Depression. Loss. I’ll forever be alone.





It’s quiet and the house is clean. I look around and see what Mason’s done. Silently I thank him and feel a little better. There’s a note on the counter from Mason. I pick it up and read what he’s written.

“Jackass,” I laugh and head back to my bedroom and look around. When I walk to my closet to change into something other than a tank and shorts I look at the clothes and thumb through Evan’s. I’m stuck in my own world. I can’t put away his clothes and change anything in our house. If I put away his clothes and put away our memories then he’s really gone and that’s not something I want to believe. Deep down I know he’s gone. I saw his body in the coffin, I used to visit his grave every week, and I don’t feel him like I used to. Even though I know all of this I still can’t admit he’s gone. I won’t.

It’s been a few months since I’ve visited his grave. Thinking about sitting in front of his tombstone brings the ache back and it’s something I can’t bring myself to do. Seeing his grave makes it all real even though I know he’s dead and never coming home. I want him to come back so badly. I want to feel his touch. I want to feel his kiss and have him make my body come alive again. Touching my lips I close my eyes and remember the times we made love, and how he felt inside of me. My eyes open and I look away from my closet. Stepping out I shut my closet door and change into a sun dress and go to the bathroom to fix my hair. My phone rings and I pick it up to see a text from Tonya. Tonya: I’m back, did you miss me? Me: So much. =( Tonya: What’s wrong? Me: Another break down, but I’m okay. Seriously I’m okay. Tonya: I can come over if you want! Me: No, I’m good. What’s up? Tonya: So Walker told me he talked to you. Still planning on not coming back? You can’t do this to yourself. You know the district will hold your position. No one will fill it. Me: No. It’s too much. I know and please don’t yell at me. He knows how I am and the papers were already submitted. Tonya: Babe, I won’t yell. I know this is hard, but I wish you could do something more. I know you turned in the papers. Walker could work his magic and get you back. Only if you’re ready. Me: I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. Tonya: I get it. I’m coming over tomorrow and we’re doing dinner. Me: Sure. Sounds good. Mason’s coming over after he gets out of work to talk to me. He cleaned my house. Kinda weird. Tonya: Well, he’s a friend. He was Evan’s best friend. I’m sure he’s watching out for you and making sure you’re alive. I’m glad he’s around. Me: Yeah me too. Tonya: Okay, babe, gotta get some stuff done. I’ll see you later. Me: Okay, have a good day. <3 Tonya: <3

The rest of the day and night goes by without too much going on. I find myself looking up projects I can do around the house and continue to keep myself busy. Looking through more pictures I grab my scrapbook box and get to work. It’s mindless what I’m doing, but keeps me calm. After a few hours of being creative I get up and walk outside to get fresh air. I check out my garden and frown at how small and dead it is so I make a mental note to swing by the flower shop tomorrow or over the weekend. When it’s time for bed I climb in and feeling a little bit better. Not able to fall asleep I grab my Kindle and start a new book. Reading takes me away to a new place. When I’m reading I don’t think about real life or what’s going on with me. I think about the characters and how powerful words can be. Before long I’m finishing this book and look over at the time. “Holy shit,” I rub my eyes and can’t believe it’s almost three in the morning. Setting down my Kindle I curl up on my side and slowly close my eyes. I definitely need sleep if I’m going to be able to withstand Mason’s talk. Morning comes too soon and getting out of bed is a task of its own. Finishing getting ready and about to walk down to the living room to wait for Mason I hear my phone ring again. Picking up my phone I see that it’s my mom. With a smile I answer and gently say hello. “Hi, honey, how are you?”

“Hi, Mom. I’m the same,” I honestly tell her. For seven years it’s been just the two of us. My dad passed away in the line of fire and I was her rock for so long until she found the strength to live again and I believed with my whole heart I could do the same. “I know, honey. But, remember, take it day by day. Are you going back to work?” “No.” “Oh, Caroline. You love teaching. I hate to see you give up your dreams. Are you sure about this?” “I am,” I sigh and sit on the edge of my bed. “Don’t get me wrong, I love teaching and love my students. But the thought of standing in the middle of class with thirty students staring at me and wanting me to teach them something, I can’t handle it,” I sigh again. “I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bring myself to leave the house,” tears flow from my eyes and I try to hide the fact that I’m crying. I don’t want to worry my mom. “One day you’re going to find the strength the way I did and when you do I’ll be here for you. Take all the time you need, Caroline, but don’t let your life go by because you’re missing out on so much.” “I know. Tonya is trying and Mason is coming around too. He cleaned the house. Is that weird?” I ask. I can’t help but feel like I need a second opinion. My mother’s opinion means more to me than anything and I know she’ll give me some wise perspective I never thought of. “Did he now?” Mom loves Mason and knows how strong our friendship is. “That’s very sweet of him.” “Yeah I think so too. Is it weird, though?” “I don’t think so,” she answers. “I think you need him again in your life. Sometimes people leave, Caroline, so they can be stronger. When they come back, they’re coming back for a reason and that reason will present itself when it’s time.” And there’s the wise perspective. “He’s coming over to talk so I gotta get going, but I’ll call you later. I love you, Mom.” “I love you too, honey. Stay strong and remember to breathe.” “I will.” After disconnecting from the call I place my phone on my nightstand to let the phone charge and head downstairs. When I reach the bottom of the stairs I see the door open and Mason walking in. “Care, lock the fucking door,” he gruffs. I roll my eyes and he follows me in the living room. We sit next to each other and I see frustration and sadness in his eyes. “So you’re not going back to work, huh?” “How do you know?” “Walker told me. He’s worried. Tonya’s worried. I’m worried so you know what?” “What?” “I’m moving in.” “You’re what?” I shout. “Oh no you are not moving in, Mason. I am fine. I told you I don’t need you. If you want to be my friend again then that’s fine. I will not allow you to come here and take care of me. This is my life and I don’t need you to be my babysitter.” “Not your decision.”

“What?” I screech and clench my fists. “Who the hell do you think you are? You have no right to come at me like this. I’m fine. I am fine.” “You’re fine?” he says. “You are fine?” “Yes.” “Care, look at yourself. Look at your house. This is not fine. You’re not going back to work, and may I remind you how much you love teaching. You hardly leave and trust me, I know.” “How?” “I’ve been keeping tabs on you.” I groan at his response. “Evan wouldn’t want this.” Hearing him say his name and what Evan would want tears through me. I unleash my pent up anger and quickly stand to tower over him. “And how the fuck would you know?” I shout and cross my arms over my chest. “I am grieving over the loss of my husband, the man I was supposed to spend forever with. He died, Mason. In case you forgot.” “I did not forget,” he rises from the couch. “In case you forgot I was the one who turned off the ventilator because you didn’t have the strength. Do not sit here and pretend you’re the only one grieving, Caroline!” His dark eyes stare into mine as I see the tick in his jaw. Pulling my long blonde hair to the side I let down my defenses and sit back down. Mason follows suit and stares at me. “Stop looking at me.” “Stop being selfish.” “I’m not.” He sighs. “You are, Care. You have people here who love you and want to be here for you, but you push everyone away because you’re hurting. You aren’t the only one who lost someone. We all did.” “I know,” I whisper. “I know.” Lifting my head I take a moment to really look at him. He keeps his dark brown hair short and his broad shoulders are monstrous, showing his dedication to working out and staying fit. The one thing I love about Mason are his eyes. At first glance his eyes are a deep green, but looking closer there’s a hint of silver. As tough as he is, the other side of him is soft and gentle. That’s the Mason I know and love. Everything about Mason is different, but he’s still the same man I’ve known since high school. He’s always been very good looking and now, as an adult, he’s hot and he knows it. “So, Caroline, is it okay that I move in?” he sweetly asks. “Fine,” I agree. I look at him again and instantly see Evan. Those two were best friends and did everything together. They went to the academy together, graduated and were hired by the same police department. Unlike Evan, Mason likes his single life and plans on being a bachelor forever. Mason takes my hand and rubs circles, calming me down and allowing me to breathe. “It’ll be okay, Care. I promise.” “Okay,” is all I can say.





“So you’re really going to stay with me?” “I am,” Mason responds as he fixes us a sandwich. When he places the plate in front of me I pick at the bread and feel his eyes on me. “Eat, Care.” “I’m not a child, Mase.” “I know.” “You know I can handle this.” “Not saying you can’t. Just here to lend you a shoulder and hand. You don’t have to live this proud life and pretend everything’s on pause. You’re still here.” His words are running through my mind and it instantly makes me feel guilty. Here I am alive and well, and I’m not honoring Evan’s memory. I don’t visit his grave or the police department. I don’t do anything. Thinking about seeing the department or going to the place Evan’s resting isn’t something I’m strong enough to do . . . yet. Then there’s that other part of me. I get it. I get what he’s saying, but it’s okay for me to lay low and grieve. My goodness what is up with everyone thinking they can come here and make me feel better. I like being in my bubble. My home, the home I have with Evan, is my safe place. I am safe here. “But I don’t need your help,” I tell him. “Really? You do know who I am and what I do, right?” I glare at Mason and stand my ground. Yes, Mason is a great officer and can read people with his eyes closed, but not this time. I remember everything Evan taught me and stand my ground. When his fingers graze my arm I feel my face heat up. What the? My face heats and my chest tightens. What is going on? Looking away from his eyes I take a quick breath and shake my head. “You see, Caroline, I’m not stupid. We’ve known each other for years and you can’t lie to me. I can read you and I know you. But, if you want to continue to play this I’m fine game, baby,” he laughs, “I never lose. So go ahead and keep up with this act. I’m a patient man and I make sure each of my moves mean something. I’m always a step ahead.”

Something tells me no matter what I say or do, Mason will know and there’s no point with keeping up with the I’m fine routine. “There are hard days and easy days. I’m getting by, but sometimes I need to be alone,” I tell him with a smile and pull my hand away and take a bite from the turkey sandwich. I keep my eyes away from his. Mason knows exactly what to look for to get the truth. Usually, if I hide away from him he’ll leave it alone and let me be. But I know Mason and I know he’s not going to let me be this time. Damn him. Lifting my face to his, he cups my cheeks and looks at me. “Break on me, Care. I’m here, okay?” “I can’t,” I mumble and shake my head. My body’s fighting me and screaming to find comfort in Mason. “I can’t.” I fight the tears building and swallow the ball of emotions. If I fall apart in front of him he’ll make me his priority. He won’t stop pushing until I’m better, his version of better. Fuck! “Break. On. Me. It’s okay. I’m here.” “Mase,” I sob. “I miss him.” Mason brings me into his arms and carries me so I’m sitting on his lap. I sob into his hard chest and grip his shirt, whispering Evan’s name and wishing the pain away. “I know you do. We all do. This is what you need to do. You need to let it go because if the situation were reversed you know Evan would go mad with anger and sadness. He’d destroy the house and get wasted drunk. It’s okay to fall apart. You have me, Care. I’m not leaving you.” “Please don’t,” I whimper. “Please. You can’t leave me again.” “I’m not leaving you again.” His words dig deep in my soul and make my heart beat. Mason rubs my back so gently that it soothes me and I slowly calm down and take a few slow breaths. “I just want to be okay. I want to be able to feel normal and get out of the house. But,” I stop and think about what I want to say. “I’m scared. I’m scared to be okay.” “Don’t be scared. You have so many people who love you and will protect you. Don’t worry anymore. The more you keep your emotions bottled up, the more you’ll feel like you’ll explode and when the explosion happens it’ll bring you over the edge. Stop feeling the need to keep in how you’re feeling. I’m here for you so unleash how you feel on me. I can handle you, Care.” After a while I climb out of Mason’s lap and honestly I feel better. All the emotions I let out is off my shoulders. I feel drained and tired, but when I look at Mason he has a smirk on his face. “What?” “Go change into workout clothes.” “Ah why?” I mutter. “Oh my God are you calling me fat?” “What?” Mason laughs. “Woman, you’re something. No you are not fat. But I find that running releases a lot of shit and you need to do something so go change and let’s go on a run.” I roll my eyes and go upstairs to change. Sprinting the last quarter mile I fall on the lawn and cover my eyes with my arm. Holy shit that was an intense run. Mason sits down next to me and pours water on my face. “Mase!” I scream and burst into laughter. Wow, this is the first time I’ve laughed since Evan’s death. He’s staring at me with a grin on his face and I sit up, wiping my face with his shirt. “Jackass.” “You did well, Care. Do you feel better?”

Ugh I want to lie. “Meh,” I shrug. “Don’t lie.” I gasp, “Me? Lie? Noooooo,” I draw out. “I would never.” “Whatever,” he laughs. “Come on. Let’s go inside.” Mason helps me up and we walk back inside. I hear a commotion in the kitchen and look at Mason wondering who is here. “Helllllllo!” Tonya comes out of the kitchen with a margarita pitcher and a glass. “Welcome home!” “Oh God,” I groan. Thursdays are margarita nights. Usually Tonya comes over and drinks while I sit on the couch and watch her. She tries so hard to get me to smile or talk, but I just sit there, motionless and in my own world. “Okay. Ew. Go shower and come back down. I made dinner.” She smiles. “Why hello, Mason. You look terrifying as usual.” “Oh, Tonya. When will you admit you want my sexy body?” “Gag, please. I wouldn’t want you if you were the last man on this earth. I’d rather die alone.” “Admit it,” he smirks, “you want this.” “I’m not drunk enough for this,” Tonya rolls her eyes and settles on the couch. “Go shower, Caroline, you smell and I need my drinking partner!” “Fine, just don’t kill each other,” I tell them and head upstairs. After my shower and getting ready I head back downstairs and see Mason in the kitchen, shirtless mind you, and at the stove. I’m not sure what he’s making and I don’t ask. Instead I sit down with Tonya in the living room and pour myself a glass of her delicious margarita. “Well, well. I’m glad I have someone to drink with.” We clink glasses and I listen to Tonya talk about her day and it’s nice to feel something again. “You look good, Caroline.” “I do?” “Yeah,” she says. “There’s something about you that wasn’t there before.” “I showered, so there’s that,” we laugh. “I feel good ya know? I broke down and had a complete meltdown. It felt good. Then Mason made me run.” “You ran?” “Yep. Apparently running isn’t the devil and I actually like it.” “That’s awesome, babe. You need to let it out and stop feeling alone okay?” “I’m trying.” I drink the margarita and lean back on the couch. I’m thinking about the past few hours with Mason and something isn’t sitting well with me. Here I am with my best friend, who has been there for me every day since losing Evan, and now with Mason in the picture I instantly feel better. Tonya’s my person; you know, someone you can lean on and count on. We share so much and out of everyone in my life she’s the one I truly trust. When Evan died I was alone, more alone than I’ve ever been, and every single day she left her husband, Clarke, home and came to stay with me. This went on for six months and I never cracked a smile or cared what I looked like. Now. . . . I am.

A few hours pass along with two pitchers of margaritas. Tonya and I laugh at just about everything and Mason sits on the bar stool watching us, laughing, and staring at me. I catch him a few times, but don’t say anything. “Okayyyyy,” Tonya says. “Clarke’s here and I need sex so you kids have a good night.” Tonya leans down and kisses my cheek. “Good to hear you laugh, babe.” “Thanks for everything.” I take her hand and give her a squeeze. “Love you, bestie.” “Forever and ever.” Mason walks Tonya out and talks to Clarke for a few minutes before walking back inside and locking the door. This makes me giggle, falling on my back on the couch, and laughing as if he did the funniest thing ever. “Drunk?” “Maybeeeeee,” I squeal. Sighing I sit up and pat the cushion telling Mason to sit down with me. When I turn to face him, he’s giving me that look again. I can’t describe it and I’m not sure if I want him to stop. “Why are you really here?” “What do you mean?” “I know there’s another reason why you’re here. So why?” “Listen,” he wipes his face and sighs. “Let’s talk tomorrow okay?” “Why? Tell me now, Mase.” He sighs again and takes my hand. “Evan made me make him a promise.” He pauses and studies me. “If anything were to happen to him then I was to take care of you and make sure you didn’t stop living. It took me a while to come here because I was undercover for a little bit. I’m here now and you’re going to start living again.” “Oh,” is all I can say. “Is something wrong?” “I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong I’m getting used to the idea of you being here and I like it, but it sucks to know Evan took care of things and didn’t talk to me about it.” “He didn’t want you to worry, Care.” “You’re right,” I whisper. “I get it, Mason. But I need you to understand there are going to be days and nights I’ll break down. There are going to be times I want to be alone and you have to respect that.” “Of course. Whatever you need I’m here for you. You mean too much to me.” “I do?” “Why’s that so hard to believe?” I shrug, “I don’t know. Probably because I’m putting a damper on your love life.” “First, there’s no love life and you know me. I don’t do the girlfriend thing. Not since Danielle.” “Ah gotcha. Have you talked to her since the break up? How’s she doing?” “We talk here and there. She’s good. She’s Danielle.” “That’s good,” I smile. I like Danielle, but part of me is kind of glad they aren’t together. “So it’s settled. I’m going to move in and make sure you’re okay. When I feel like you’re ready to be

on your own then I’ll leave. Deal?” “Deal.” “Good,” Mason kisses my forehead and suggests we relax and watch a movie.





Waking up the next morning I head downstairs to make breakfast when something catches my eye outside. I look out and see Mason washing my car. Shirtless. Muscles galore. A tan and toned body. Oh. My. I’ve seen Mason without a shirt before on several occasions. We’ve been to the beach together or outside for cookouts and a few times have even shared the same bed. This isn’t something I should be surprised with. For some reason . . . I am. The way he reaches over and stretches his arm to wash my windshield. His back muscles bulge and when he turns around his six pack is staring at me, whispering, “you think I’m sexy, don’t you?” “Get it together, Caroline,” I scold myself and turn away to make eggs and bacon. I fix two plates and open the door to call out to Mason. “Hey, loser, time to eat,” I laugh and watch his smile form on his face. “Loser?” he laughs and puts down the sponge. Seductively walking towards me he gives me a kiss on the cheek and looks at me again. “Loser, hmm?” “Ah yeah. I mean who washes cars now a days. Trying to make the women in my neighborhood hot and bothered?” “Oh, baby, I don’t need to do that,” he winks and heads inside. Following him we sit at the counter and enjoy breakfast. I see him looking at me and wonder what’s going on. “Is there a reason why you’re looking at me?” “I’m kinda bothered by you calling me a loser,” he says. “I think I’m pretty fucking cool. Everyone loves me.” I sit and stare at him, trying not to laugh. “Is that so?” “Yep.” “Would you rather me call you something else?”

“Sexy motherfucking beast.” This causes me to laugh again, nearly choking on my eggs. Coughing to get air I look at him again and shake my head. “I don’t think so. Wait,” I snap my fingers. “I’ll call you ugly effer.” “And we’re back to ugly?” “Yep,” I laugh and eat a little more. “I mean look at you. You’ve been single since forever and you can’t hold a girl so obviously you’re lacking in . . . areas.” “You’re shitting me, right?” I shake my head and continue. “How long can you last? What? Thirty seconds? I mean come on, Mason. Admit it. You’ve lost your touch and you’d never be able to get a woman off.” Before I know it Mason has my face in his hands and his lips are on mine. I feel his tongue enter my mouth, slowly and seductively, and within seconds he has me moaning and wanting more. The way his tongue feels with mine makes me shiver and my craving for him heightens. His hand is gently resting on my hip while the other hand is gripping the back of my neck. Oh God. I close my eyes and feel him everywhere in my body. My body pulsates and the kiss intensifies. Deeper. Sexier. Oh God. His lips work their way down my neck and back up to my ear. “Lost my touch?” “Yep,” I close my eyes and lie trying to hide how much that kiss affects me. “And don’t ever kiss me again. Ew.” I push him away and quickly turn my head so he doesn’t know what he’s doing to me. “And why is that?” “You’re not my type.” This causes him to kink his brow and study me some more. I should know better than to lie to him. Mason’s been taught and trained to read people. He understands body language and can smell a lie from a mile away. “I see. Well,” he stretches and my eyes catch his abs. Damn you, Mason. “Right,” he laughs again and finishes his breakfast. “Baby you have no idea how I am. You’ve never had the pleasure of getting with me.” “And I never will.” “You couldn’t handle me. That kiss,” he says, “that kiss nearly broke you. You melted in my arms. I guarantee one night with me and you’ll be screaming my name, feeling me for days and coming back for more.” I hold up my hand to him and make him stop talking. “Ew. I wouldn’t. We wouldn’t. I don’t swoon over you like other women. Mase, I mean there’s just something about you that isn’t sitting right.” “Wait,” he puts up a hand. “I just gave you a hot ass kiss and you still can’t admit how sexy I am?” “Oh hush. Like my opinion matters,” I wave him off. Getting up from the barstool I take his plate to the sink and look over my shoulder to see his reaction. He’s staring at me again with his fuck me eyes. Quickly I look away and try to catch my breath. This is Mason; the guy I’ve known since high school; the best man at our wedding; the man I trust completely. Why am I having these thoughts? Shouldn’t I be grieving still? It’s only been nine months since Evan died and here I am smiling, laughing, and staring at his best friend. I’m a horrible wife. I’m a horrible person. Evan and I never really talked about what life would be like if either of us passed away. We have wills, Evan’s idea, and I still haven’t opened the box our lawyer gave me. I can’t bring myself to do so. I

know this isn’t what Evan wants. He’d want me to be happy again. He’d want me to live and go back to teaching. When you lose someone you love as much as I love Evan you forget how to breathe and the world around you stops spinning because life doesn’t seem possible without him with you. The days and nights fall in together and you’re not sure what day it is or how long you’ve been crying. You forget what’s important and why being happy again means something. Is there life after losing your heart? I feel strong hands on my shoulders and his hard chest against my back. “You okay?” “Just thinking,” I whisper, “about how ugly you are.” I hear a wounded gasp and he lets me go. Turning around I see Mason leaning against the counter with a grin on his face. “What?” “Na, nothing. I’m going to finish washing your car. Do you need anything?” “No I’m okay. I’m actually going to take a nap,” I rub my face and blow out the breath I’ve been holding. “When you wake up we’ll go for a run.” “Sounds good.” I reach out and touch his arm. “Thank you again for everything Mason. I know I told you I didn’t need you, but actually I do. I need a friend to put me in my place. Thanks for not letting me stay in bed.” “You’re welcome. Plus if I let you do that Evan would kick my ass.” I smile, “Yeah.” When I get upstairs to my bedroom I crawl into bed and under the covers. Closing my eyes I see Evan’s face and the past comes back to me. Kisses on my forehead are the best kind of kisses, especially kisses from my handsome husband. “Good morning, angel.” “Mmmm, good morning to you.” I smile and wrap my arms around his neck. He hovers over me and kisses my lips. “You look so hot right now.” “Yeah I know.” Evan laughs and kisses me again. When he places his forehead against mine I feel his heart beating fast. “What’s wrong?” “Hard shift last night,” he mutters. “There was a chase down 104 and when we reached him this sixteen-year-old boy opened the door with a gun in his hand,” Evan tells me. I rub his back, hoping to calm him down as he tells me what happened. “He was so scared and we told him to settle down and put down the gun. Mason slowly walked over to him and I had his back. The boy screamed and said to leave him alone.” I see Evan shudder and his eyes close. “He took a shot at Mason and missed and I shot his leg,” Evan’s voice gets low, “I shot a kid.” “It’s okay, Evan. You shot his leg and he’ll be okay. You did what you had to and you’re safe. You and Mason are safe.” “A kid, Caroline. A fucking kid. What was he doing?” “I don’t know, but now he’ll get the help he needs.” “God, I love you,” he whispers. “I love you so fucking much. I know this isn’t what you signed up for. I know I’m not giving you a good life.” “Stop it,” I tell him. “You are giving me the best life ever. I love you so much and one day we’re

going to have a family. One day you’re going to teach instead of being on the streets. I am living my happily ever after. I am in love with you Evan. For better or worse, remember?” “I do. I just,” he sighs, “I just wish I could give you something better.” “You are. No man will ever love me as much as you. No man will ever make my body feel like it’s on fire, but you do. You, Evan, you make me weak. You make my heart beat so fast and you make my body come alive. Only you.” “What did I do to deserve you?” “You smiled at me and asked me to dance,” I tell him, remembering our freshman formal. “You came up to me, with a shy look on your face, and nervously asked me to dance. This I Promise You was playing and I said yes. We danced and two weeks later we became a couple. I never looked back.” “And thank God you didn’t. I’m a better man because of you. Thank you for sticking by my side, through the good and bad. Caroline, I promise we’ll figure this out, okay?” “Okay.” I smile and kiss him again. “Now make love to me.” “With pleasure.” “Wake up, Care. Care!” Strong arms are around my waist and I’m being lifted. A hand is rubbing my back and slowly I wake up. “Mason?” My eyes slowly adjust and I realize I’m awake. What’s going on? Why am I with Mason again? “I’m right here,” he tells me, continually rubbing my back and helping me calm down, even though I have no idea why he’s in my room and why I’m on his lap. “What are you doing?” I whisper, avoiding eye contact and trying to remain calm. “You were screaming and when I came up to check on you your body was flinging around so I grabbed you to calm you down. You don’t remember?” I shake my head. “Nightmare?” “It was actually a good dream. I was dreaming about Evan and him telling me about the night he shot a sixteen-year-old kid because he shot at you,” I tell him, vividly remembering the dream, but not how I was acting. Why would I thrash around in bed when it was a good dream? “Are you sure that was it?” “I’m pretty sure. Why would that make me thrash around and scream?” “You were screaming for Evan,” he tells me. “That you wanted him to come back and never leave.” “Oh.” I rest my head on Mason’s chest and we sit like this for a while. I’m not sure how long and I feel bad. “I must be hurting you.” “Na, you’re tiny. It’s okay. As long as you’re okay that’s what matters.” I feel Mason’s lips on the top of my head and instantly I’m relaxed. I take his hand in mine and he holds me tighter. “Are you okay?” “I am now. I just miss him,” I explain. “I know it’s been almost ten months, but every day feels like the night we let him go. I never said this and I want you to know.” I gulp and lift my head to look at him. “Thank you for being there for us that night. Thank you for being there every day and putting your life on hold.” “You don’t have to thank me, Care.” “No, let me finish. I know I’ve said some things in the past and blamed you. I hope you know I don’t mean it. I don’t blame you or hate you, Mason. I’m happy to have you here and you’re not scared to push

me or hurt my feelings. You were my rock when he died and I know you’re here because of the promise you made him, but remember I can be your rock too.” “I am,” he says, “but I’m also here to be your friend. I know I’ve been distant and for that I apologize.” “Thank you. I get it, but I appreciate you. Just wanted you to know that,” I tell him and find myself falling asleep in Mason’s arms. Later that night after our run and dinner I’m standing in the middle of the living room with a glass of wine in my hand and staring at the clock mural that’s full of pictures: pictures of Evan and me. Pictures of our high school graduation, college graduation, his graduation from the academy, the happiest day of our lives, and silly ones. Each picture represents a piece of both of us. This feeling of guilt comes over me and in so many ways I’m consumed with questions and confusion. Turning around I see Mason leaning against the wall. He’s staring at me and right now I don’t like it. “Stop standing there analyzing me. I am going to be okay. I know I look like a hot mess and I know I cry and scream at night. You don’t know what it’s like to be in my position. Losing your husband so young and trying to figure out how to live. It sucks, Mason. I lost my heart.” “No. You lost a piece of your heart,” he states and walks towards me. I stand my ground and slightly lift my chin to let him know he doesn’t scare me and I can handle him. “You lost him and yes he was your world. But you’re here. You’re here and you’re supposed to be mad. Yell more! Release all the demons you have, Care, because from what I can see you’re barely hanging on. Every time I think you’re doing better something happens and you revert back to the sad, depressed woman again.” “Just shut up, Mason. Shut the fuck up,” I scream and hold my wine glass tighter. Venom is spewing from my eyes and if he knows better he’ll run because right now if he says one more thing I will attack him. “Good,” he yells at me. “Let it out. You want to hit me don’t you?” “Fuck yes I do! I told you I am fine and you can’t leave it alone.” “Because you’re not fucking fine.” At this point he’s in my face and my small height doesn’t measure to his six-foot-one frame. But I don’t care. I’m making a stand and he will not push me around. “Admit it. You’re not fine.” “What the fuck do you want from me?” I scream and will the tears away. Anger courses through me and I throw my wine glass against the wall. “Why is this happening?” I cover my face with my hands to hide my tears from Mason. It doesn’t work. He’s by my side and leading me to the couch. Bringing me into his arms and by his side I cry for Evan. I cry for Mason and his friends. I cry for not seeing forever with Evan. I just cry. I surrender my emotions and let myself go again. All of these breakdowns and tears when will it stop? When will I be able to get through the day without feeling empty and angry? A surge of pain heaves through my chest and I feel my anxiety reach an all time high. My chest is so tight I can barely breathe. Every happy moment rushes out of me. There is nothing to be happy about and there is nothing that can make this pain go away. The agony is like a rainstorm-never ending and dangerous.





Lightning flashes outside and I turn to see Caroline curled on her bed, clutching her pillow, and far away inside her dream. The furious storm winds blow through and whips the trees outside. A branch continually hits the window and I’m nervous it’ll wake her up. She needs to sleep. She needs to get away from reality and find her safe place. If I can give that to her I will. All I want is to keep Caroline happy and keep the demons away. I want her to feel love and happiness. I want her to be able to move on without the guilt of doing so. Looking outside the darkness of the sky shadows the room and when I turn to look at Caroline my jaw clenches as she tosses and turns. Walking to the bed I slowly sit down and place my hand on her hand. She instantly calms down and the tightness in my body releases. This woman, this strong and beautiful woman, is broken and all around us is the pain of loss that lingers. If only I can figure out a plan to do something. “Can you hold me?” Her little voice gets my attention and without thinking I lie down and pull her body to mine. She buries her face into my chest and lets out a sigh. “You okay?” “Just want the pain to go away.” “The best thing to do is to take it easy and remember to relax. We have each other and that’s important.” I hold her tighter and watch as she falls back asleep. Looking over to the side, the framed picture she has on her nightstand catches my eyes. It’s a picture of her and Evan on their wedding day. I can’t look away and soon guilt washes over me. Here I am comforting my best friend’s wife, who happens to be my best friend too, and yet I feel something going on. Shaking away the feeling, I press my head against the headboard and close my eyes. There’s a line I can’t cross and I’ll do everything I can to stay behind. I’m her friend and someone she can depend on. That’s all I need to be for her. The kiss in the kitchen plays on in my head. I’m an asshole for doing that. Thinking about it I realize she never pushed away or yelled at me. She wanted that kiss just as much as I did. I look at the picture again and immediately look away. There’s a line I can’t cross, I repeat. Don’t cross the line. My phone vibrates in my pocket, waking me up from my light sleep, and I turn to Caroline whose still lying on my chest. I’m ready to kill whoever’s calling me so early. “What?” I harshly whisper.

“Why good morning to you too, sunshine.” “Heather? What?” “Mom wants to know if you and Caroline would like to come over for lunch today. She’s having a small BBQ and the pool looks really warm and I want to see Caroline.” I look down again and notice Caroline hasn’t moved all night. Lightly shaking her I try to wake her and when she stirs and looks up at me I cover the phone and ask if she’d like to go to my parents’ house. “Yeah,” she mutters and keeps her eyes on me. “We’ll be there in a few hours.” “Oh,” I hear the curiosity in my sister’s voice. “Mmm okay. See you soon brother.” “Bye.” I disconnect the phone and rub my face. Between her warm body against mine and the little space I had on the bed my body is exhausted and I need either more sleep or caffeine. “Want me to make coffee?” “Sure,” she answers and untangles herself from me. “Thanks for taking care of me last night.” “You don’t have to thank me. I want to be here for you.” I give her a smile and head out to make coffee and breakfast. Waiting for the coffee to get done I smell my shirt and damn it smells like her. I’m not sure exactly what the smell is but I like it. Thinking about last night, holding her in my arms, being what she needs, it puts a smile on my face and fuck if I don’t be careful that line I’m desperately trying not to cross will be crossed. “Good morning, hottie mchot.” I smile when I hear Tonya coming inside. “What’s that smile on your face for?” “What?” “You have a shit eating grin smile that tells me you’re happy and it’s because . . .” she pauses, “why?” “No reason.” “Don’t lie to me, Ryan.” She studies me and I focus on the coffee. “Oh did you and Caroline. .” “No,” I immediately tell her. “No. She was upset last night and I stayed in bed with her. Nothing to think about or analyze.” “Right,” she answers and comes over to grab a coffee mug. “So Caroline was feeling sad last night and then you, all hot and sexy, came to her rescue?” “I guess.” “Mmm, okay.” I pour coffee into her mug and she takes it upstairs to Caroline. Girl talk or whatever the hell they do. This gives me a moment to myself to go back and think about everything that’s been on my mind since I got here. I inhale and exhale, trying to make sense of all of this. I’ve never cuddled in bed or looked after someone before. With Danielle I never spent the night with her and she understood. That’s what made our relationship work. While with Caroline it’s different. I wanted to spend the night with her and be there when she woke up. I wanted my face to be the first thing she saw when she opened her beautiful brown eyes. When we get to my parents’ house around noon, Caroline is smothered by my mother and Heather.

Dad hands me a beer and we talk sports while the women do their girl thing. “How she holding up?” I crack open my beer and play with the top before taking a drink. “Good. I think. Last night was hard and we ah,” I clear my throat, “I comforted her last night.” This gets my dad’s attention and I quickly correct myself. “Not like that, pops. Just comforted her.” “Mason,” he starts to say, “I’m going to tell you this once and don’t ask questions or bring this up to anyone.” I nod. “Before I met your mother, she was engaged to another man. A fellow officer. Now we weren’t good friends, he and I, but we were brothers. One night he passed away while patrolling and I got the call. I was the one to go to your mother and tell her what happened to Gary. It’s hard, losing someone you love, and especially at a young age.” “We never knew Mom was engaged before you.” “Yes and they were in love. Oh,” my dad pauses and drinks his beer, “we became good friends and after about a year we started dating. Some understood and some didn’t, but that didn’t stop me. I love your mother and I know she still grieves for Gary and that’s okay. My point is son,” he pats my back and looks at me, “be there for her. Be her friend, her rock, or whatever she needs, and if you two end up together don’t allow the guilt or what other’s think get in the way of what you and Caroline want. Now I’m not saying you two will end up together, but what I’m saying is you shouldn’t feel guilty about anything.” “Yeah,” I say and finish my beer. While grabbing another one I look up and see Caroline in a bikini with my sister. My eyes stay on her and fuck, she’s sexy. I’ve seen her before this. We’ve been friends since high school and for some reason, at this very moment, it’s as though I’m seeing her for the first time. “Don’t let guilt get in the way, son,” my dad whispers before going to my mom and giving her a kiss. Needing to calm my hard on I jump in the pool and make sure I’m facing away from Caroline and her tiny bikini. We spend a few hours with my family before heading home and relaxing for the night. Grabbing a bottle of red wine I bring over two glasses and hand her one. She freely takes the glass and doesn’t fight me. Since the kiss and holding her through the night things have been unsteady between us. She’s skittish and pulls away from me. “Do you plan on staying up for a while?” “I guess, but if you want me to leave you alone I can,” I tell her and make sure to keep my space between the cushion and her. Maybe I’m too comforting and it’s scaring her. Who the hell knows. “No. It’s okay. I like sitting here with you.” She lets out a sigh and my eyes go to her chest and watch as she breathes in and out. Taking a sip of my wine, I think about the taste of the crisp wine and hope the desire I have for her goes away. “How’s work going?” Thank God for distracting me. “The usual. Clarke wants us working on this one case. Nothing else matters. He has his mind set with capturing this one gang. It’s ugly.” “Sounds it. I’ve missed your parents and Heather. We caught up a lot and planned a lunch date for next week.” “That’s good. I’m glad you’re getting out and had a good time. My family loves you.” “Yeah.” And we’re back to the silence. Pouring us a second glass, Caroline takes a drink and turns to look at me.

“Listen, I don’t mean to be weird, but I don’t think it’s a good idea that we do the things we’ve been doing.” “What do you mean?” “The kissing and holding me at night. It’s not right, Mase. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate what you’re doing. I just think lines are being crossed and we have to steady ourselves. We’re friends and I love having you in my life. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you and I know you’d do anything for me. I just think we need boundaries.” “We’ve never had any before.” “I think things are changing.” I hear the hesitation in her tone and nod my head without answering her. “So I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” “Sure thing.” I smile and wish her good night. Watching her leave me in the living room I finish my glass and get up to grab another bottle. “Just friends.”





The weeks go by and Mason is still living with me. It’s nice having him here and I’ll admit I’m not as much of a mess like before. We haven’t talked about the kiss or anything about how we’re feeling since the night after his parents’ BBQ. It feels like how it used to be: us being best friends. He keeps me busy and when he’s working the overnight shift I feel okay. He stops by every few hours and checks on me. I roll my eyes whenever he does and he tells me to grow up. Everything feels okay. I feel okay. But on this particular day, nothing is going right and I’m crumpled on the bedroom floor, clutching onto Evan’s shirt, softly crying, and wishing for him to come back. “Care?” His deep voice lifts me up and I wipe my tears. “Hey.” He walks closer to me and stares at me. I hate the way he looks at me. I hate the way he analyzes me and my words. I hate it all. “Are you okay?” he asks again. “Fine, Mason. Peachy.” “Don’t lie to me.” “Excuse me?” “Do not lie to me, Caroline.” I bolt up from the ground and get in his face. “I am not lying Mason. I am fine. You caught me in a weak moment, but I am fine.” “Stop saying that shit. Be real, Care. You’re not fine. You haven’t been fine,” he sneers. “You were crying. You were on the ground holding onto his shirt. Does that seem like fine to you?” A mix of emotions flood over me and I’m back to where I don’t want to be. One day I just want to be the happy woman I once was before. All of this anger and sadness is weighing me down and I feel like screaming from the rooftop. I hate him. I hate Evan. I hate everyone. I need air and I need to be away from him. Taking a few steps towards the door, Mason stops me and grabs my arm, swinging me around causing me to fall into him. “Break on me, Care. I’m here.”

“He’s gone, Mason. He’s gone and never coming back. If I didn’t leave my stupid purse in the restaurant he wouldn’t have gone back in. This isn’t the life I want. I’m a widow at twenty-five. I’m alone and I hate this.” I sob and try to catch my breath. “Why did this happen? Why did he have to die?” “I know. I ask these questions all the time. Sometimes we don’t know the answers and we have to accept that.” “It’s not fair,” I yell, gripping his tee shirt and leaning on him for strength because the strength I thought I had has up and gone. “I know, baby. I wish I could turn back time and keep the both of you safe. I wish I could bring him back for you,” he reassures me, rubbing my back, and leading me to my bed. He lays us both down and I cry into his chest. “If only I wasn’t so careless.” I hiccup, relishing in the safety of being in Mason’s arms. “Do you think one day I’ll stop hurting?” “Honestly no. I think one day you’re going to be okay and find the beautiful and strong woman you once were. You experienced a horrible loss and you’re grieving. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to break down, but you have to live and breathe again.” “I’m trying.” “I know you are.” I repeat the words again in my head. There are days I feel strong and days I feel great, yet the broken parts are sometimes stronger and win out. I have this wall around myself because I’m so scared. I’m so scared to lose something. I’m so scared to feel this pain forever. I have to protect myself. I have to protect my heart. Mason turns me over forcing me to look at him and I do. Our eyes lock and I feel calm. I’m staring at Evan’s best friend, partner in crime, and brother. He’s here for me, pushing me, holding me, comforting me, and putting a smile on my face. This man is my rock and every day he’s making it easier to breathe. “Do you want me to pick up dinner?” “Yeah,” I answer. “That’ll be nice. Thanks Mason.” He kisses my forehead and crawls out of bed. “You’re welcome. I’ll be back.” “Okay.” I watch Mason walk out of my bedroom and slowly I get up and decide to get some cleaning done. Picking up my clothes and towel from the bathroom floor I toss them in the laundry basket. Looking around my room I grab a few other shirts and pick up the basket to head downstairs. Putting down my basket I toss the clothes in the washer and set the timer. Turning around I look around the living area and fluff the throw pillows and organize the magazines on the coffee table. After about an hour of cleaning I flop on the couch and place my arm over my face. The door opens and I hear Mason coming in and walking to the kitchen. “You cleaned?” “Yep. There better be shrimp lo mein in there for me!” I hear Mason laugh and quickly get up and sit on the barstool while he grabs plates and two beers from the fridge. “You need better beer,” he tells me, looking at the bottle of Bud Light Lime. “This shit is weak.” “You’re more than welcome to get whatever you want. Tonya brought that over one night and it’s

been chilling in the fridge.” He opens my beer and hands it to me. “Thanks.” “No problem.” He puts food on both our plates and I’m so hungry I could just eat out of the containers. He sits next to me and we eat in a comfortable silence. “I’m using some vacation time to get some things done and take time off. The case we’re working on isn’t going anywhere and Clarke wants us on our game. I finished what I needed to and Chief wants me to reevaluate myself and take time away. The case we’re working on is fucking messing with me.” “Why?” “Ah I can’t talk about it too much, Care. Just know it’s a fucked up case and messing with my emotions. Devin’s the lead right now and he’s keeping me updated. Once some action happens I’ll go back. Things are calm now.” “Evan used to say when things are calm that’s not a good sign.” “He’s right. I feel something wrong going on. Can’t figure it out. We have half the pieces of the puzzle, but the other half is missing. People don’t want to talk. They’re scared about retaliation and don’t trust us. No matter what we do we’re the bad guys in their eyes.” “You sure I can’t help you?” “Positive.” He smiles. “Eat. I need to catch up on Game of Thrones.” I groan. Evan loved that show. Personally I don’t get it. First of all, one of my favorite characters dies early on for NO reason and now I’m confused as hell. I only made it to the middle of season two because Evan was tired of explaining things to me so I started watching Grey’s Anatomy and left him alone. “I’ve missed a lot. No idea what’s going on. Also avoiding Facebook since people love to post spoilers. So annoying.” “Do you want to start over?” “You’ll do that?” “Yeah I’m cool with that.” “I feel bad. Honestly I’ll have to watch it from the start I think to really catch on. I never really asked Evan about the show because he got so annoyed whenever I talked during GoT.” Mason laughs and shakes his head. “Yeah he was pretty anal about that show. But you can ask me questions. I like the show, but not obsessed and a crazy fan.” “Thanks.” I smile and nudge his shoulder. We finish dinner and he cleans while I put away the leftovers in containers. When I close the fridge a picture of Evan and me from the policeman’s ball comes to view. I don’t cry, instead I look at the picture with a smile on my face. He has the most beautiful smile and that night they recognized him for his work with the force. Mason was also recognized for taking down a huge drug lord. Some families talked about their loved ones and we sat and listened, holding hands, and enjoying the night. “Hey,” Mason brings me out of my thought. “You okay?” “I am.” I smile, looking away from the picture and up at Mason. “This time I really am. Ready for GoT?” “Ready.”

We spend the rest of the night watching Game of Thrones and Mason’s probably my favorite TV partner.





When I wake up the next afternoon there’s a note on the counter from Mason letting me know he’s out with Devin going over some notes about the case they’re working on. I take out my phone and text Tonya to come over and hang out. Tonya: Be there soon! Me: K!

Going back upstairs, I change into my bikini and throw on a light dress. Today’s really nice out, almost ninety degrees, with no clouds in the sky so a day to lay out in the sun and dip in the pool sounds good. Back downstairs I make a pitcher of lemonade and hear the door open to see Tonya walking in. “Hellllllo!” “In here!” I shout. When Tonya walks into the kitchen and looks at me she smiles big and gives me a wink. I’m sure she’s up to something and I’m sure I’m not going to like it. “What?” “That smile on your face. You look so good.” She hugs me again and smiles. “I’m glad you’re happy these days because, sweetie, I was so worried.” “Well don’t be,” I smile and hand her a glass of lemonade. We head to the deck outside and enjoy the August sun, sipping on our lemonade and enjoying the silence. I love being outside. The deck is my favorite place because I’m near the lake. That’s one of the things I love about Webster. I get to enjoy nature and breathe in life. “So how’s living with the sexy beast?” “Really good.” “I see.” “What?” I laugh and turn to look at her. “What?” “Notice how I didn’t use his name and referred to him as sexy beast?” “Okay? You lost me?” “You agree!” Tonya screeches. “You think Mason is sexy!”

“Tonya,” I groan. “It’s no big deal. Yes Mason Ryan is sexy. I am a woman with eyes you know.” “Just saying.” “You’re so annoying!” “You love me.” Tonya smiles and drinks her lemonade. “I’m serious though. If you decide to move on then you can.” “Move on? What?” The thought of being with someone else hasn’t even crossed my mind. Moving on in that way seems impossible. How can I think about it? I lost Evan almost a year ago and I’m not ready to give away my heart. How can I? And to Mason? His best friend? There’s no way. “Babe, I’m just saying. You don’t have to be alone forever.” “I think I need to be alone for a while and if I do move on it’ll be with someone who is not Mason or one of Evan’s friends. That’s wrong. So wrong.” But is it wrong? I’m happy around Mason and can be myself. We’re able to sit in a comfortable silence and don’t need to talk to one another all the time. Around him I can breathe and feel safe. I think about the kiss in the kitchen and when I’m in his arms, I let my mind wander, but to really truly move on scares me. Especially moving on to another police officer. The danger will always be there and I’m not sure if my heart can handle pain and worry like that again. “Changing the subject now please.” “Fine. You admitted what I wanted to hear and now I’m good.” We spend the afternoon organizing my kitchen and moving around things in my bedroom. I like having Tonya here, helping me and keeping me busy. She’s my best friend and honestly I’d be lost without her. “Oh hey, I got you something.” Tonya reaches into her huge oversized purse and hands me a gift. “Why? You didn’t have to.” “I know.” Opening the gift I look at her with murder in my eyes. I’m so embarrassed to be looking at this contraption. I’m not experienced or sex craved like she is and I’ve only been with one man. I’ve never even watched porn! “Tonya . . .” She lifts her hand and stops me from talking. “No. You need this. Girl, you’re so moody and I know you aren’t getting any. Haven’t you been taking care of your lady parts?” “No. It’s not important to me. What am I supposed to do with this?” I ask holding the vibrator in my hand. I’m afraid to ask her about it. I don’t need her to make fun of me. She knows how inexperienced I am so for her to get this for me is unthinkable. “This is stupid, Tonya. I don’t want it.” “Bullshit! Sex is so important. Go upstairs and take care of yourself. Seriously, Caroline. It’s been way too long and you need some pleasure. So go. And thank me later.” She blows me a kiss and winks at me. “Ta ta.” “Wait! Stop!” But she’s gone and I’m standing in the middle of my living room holding a vibrator. Looking at it and then turning away, but looking at it again I groan and go upstairs. She’s right. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt any pleasure and I mean, it’ll be okay to please myself. It’s normal and I’m a lonely woman. Sliding into bed and under my covers, I Google porn sites and randomly pick one. Seriously this is

stupid. I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m in bed using a search engine to indulge in my sick fantasy thanks to my best friend. The porn site on my phone is open and I slowly scroll through the videos. Some of it is really weird and some is downright disgusting. Incredibly Passionate Lesbian Hookup. Hot Wife Deep Throat. Taking a Ride on Two Dicks. “Oh my God. What the fuck is this shit?” I close my eyes and randomly click on a video. There’s no way I’m ever paying for porn and hey since it’s free there’s no harm. A few minutes into the video it looks pretty good and nothing out of the norm. The title says Her Fantasy and it looks like a movie. The woman in the video’s getting ready for a night with whomever, showing her long legs and she’s touching herself. When the man walks in, he kisses her and they slowly get to work. Things start escalating when he takes control and lifts her in the air to eat her pussy. “Holy shit, how’s that possible?” When he puts her down, she gets on her knees and sucks him. The camera shows her eyes looking up at him and she’s sucking away like a pro. “Wow, she’s pretty good.” The video goes on and soon the man takes control with his cock and rams into her. The fake porn star moans hit me and surprisingly it’s actually a turn on. My fingers slide down my body and into my shorts. Instantly I feel my wetness and circle my clit with my index finger. “Ah,” I sigh and go a little faster. Grabbing the vibrator I silently thank Tonya for putting in batteries and having it ready to use. Placing the toy on my clit I press the third level and nearly shoot up from the pleasure it’s giving me. “Holy shit,” I moan and slam my head back down. I loudly moan and arch my back. Fuck this feels so good. Feeling my orgasm about to hit I close my eyes and use my free hand to plunge two fingers into my pussy and pump hard. “Yes,” I sigh and feel my release. “Wow.” “Damn, girl.” I quickly look up and see Mason at the door with a bowl of popcorn. He bursts out laughing and I’m ready to die. Please kill me. “Mason! What the fuck!” I scream and hurry to hide myself under the covers. This isn’t happening. Mason Ryan did not just catch me pleasuring myself. Please let this be an awful dream. Please! “Hey, I came home, made popcorn and came to find you. Wanted to know if you felt like watching a show. No idea I would walk into one.” He snickers and shakes his head. “Get out!” I hear him laughing as he walks downstairs and I want to crawl into a hole. This is why I don’t do these kinds of things. How long was he standing there for? Rushing to put myself back together I run downstairs to find Mason on the couch, watching TV with his stupid popcorn. I throw a pillow at his head, but he ducks and it misses him. “What the hell, Mason! Do you understand privacy?” “What?” “How long were you standing there for?”

“Not long.” “Bullshit. What were you doing?” He turns to face me and I swear my pulse is racing and I’m breathing heavily. As pissed as I am about this, I’m kind of turned on knowing he watched me pleasure myself and heard me moaning. Fuck. This isn’t good. “Like I said, wanted to know if you were up to watch a movie.” He nonchalantly shrugs. “Not a big deal, Care. So you were playing with yourself. I do too. It’s normal, dirty girl.” “It is a big deal! That wasn’t a public show. And you cannot call me that nickname! It was one time.” He laughs and gets up from the couch. Staring at me with each step, then he turns into the kitchen and grabs a beer. “No big deal. I promise.” He sits back down on the couch and looks at me. “So how many fingers do you use?” “I am not answering that question.” I sit down on another couch, avoiding eye contact because I know my face is bright red. “Hmm, I’m guessing two,” he says. “And you like to do this often?” “No. Tonya bought me a vibrator . . .” “Toys? You naughty, dirty girl you,” he teases. “Ugh. I hate you.” “You love me, Care.” He smirks and takes a drink of his beer. “So dirty. Those naughty little moans. Damn, I’m going to have some good dreams tonight.” “Can we not talk about this please?” “And why not?” “Seriously,” I pause, “were you standing there long?” “No.” “Okay, good.” After watching a few episodes of Law and Order SVU, Mason excuses himself and heads out to the garage doing who knows what and the craving for chocolate chip cookies hits me out of the blue. Getting up from the couch I take my glass of wine and head to the kitchen. Looking through what I have I grab a mixing bowl and start my batch. Preheating the oven and making sure everything is all set I grab the tray and start spooning the batter onto the sheet in rows. Homemade cookies are the way to go and I’m pretty happy with how good I am at baking. When the tray is in the oven and the timer is set, I grab another bottle of wine, sit at the counter for a moment holding my glass, and stare at the oven. All I can think about is Mason catching me in my room touching myself and he thinks everything’s fine. How can that be? This is so beyond embarrassing, but I’m not as mad or upset as I thought. It’s not like we’re teenagers and this is something to be mad about. Actually, in some weird way, it’s kind of hot. “Cookies?” Mason’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts and I simply nod while watching him walk towards me. “I haven’t had your cookies in forever.” He smiles. “Well just ten more minutes and then they’ll be done.”

“What made you want to bake?” “Not sure. This craving hit me and I had to make some.” “Must have been from that little workout you had in your room.” I don’t respond. This is what Mason wants. He wants me to get riled up and angry so we can argue. Well that’s not happening. Mason eyes the little bit of batter left in the bowl and I know what he’s going to do. Running to the living room I stand my ground as he holds the bowl and licks the batter. “That’s so gross!” “Why don’t you come try my batter?” He winks. “I’ve heard it’s extra sweet and addicting. Just stick your fingers into the bowl and put your fingers in your mouth. Swirl your tongue around the moist batter. Trust me you’ll get addicted.” “Oh God, why do you have to make everything dirty?” “Wasn’t trying, baby. Obviously we know where your head’s at since you assume I meant being sexual. Such a naughty girl. Do you need more play time?” “Oh shut up.” “It’s okay if you do,” he says while walking towards me. For some reason I can’t move because if I do I might explode from his sexual innuendos and the way he’s looking at me. Backing me up against the wall, we’re face to face and his smell is intoxicating. It’s all Mason: sexy and desirable. Neither one of us is saying anything. I’m not sure what he wants from me, but when I look into his eyes I see it all. Mason wants me and part of me wants him. Or all of me. “What are you doing?” I whisper and my eyes fall to his lips. “I don’t know.” Needing to not be so close to him, I laugh and push him away. “Your breath smells like ass and my cookies are done.” I rush to the kitchen and put my mind back to where it should be: away from Mason.





I’m going to fucking hell. There’s a special place there for me with my name on it, ready for me to burn in the fiery depths. I’m a fucking bastard and shouldn’t be allowed near her. She’s messing with my head, and now that I know how she sounds when she touches herself it’s messing with me. Standing there, watching her pleasure herself, feeling myself getting hard, and there was nothing I could do. Fucking creepy just staring at her. I couldn’t pull away and I didn’t want to. Being here with her is breaking every rule I have. This is just supposed to be to make sure she’s okay. I can’t think of her sexually or fantasize about her pussy. For one Evan will come and haunt my ass and that’s not something I’m looking forward to. Right now she needs a friend and that’s what I am to her. We’re best friends, both healing from the loss of someone we love, and I shouldn’t cross any more lines. This isn’t something she wants and I know this. For months she’s cried and distanced herself from the world. She’s not teaching and doesn’t do much of anything. If anything I’d be her rebound or whatever, and that’s not a role I want. Needing a little space I tell Caroline I’ll be back later and go for a long ass run. My head hears her moaning. I’m watching her in my head as she arches her sexy back and closes her eyes. Fuck. She’s so damn sexy. I pick up the pace and push myself. Getting away from her is what I need. I’m here to help her and protect her. She’s my best friend’s fucking wife. His damn wife. Even if he’s dead it still doesn’t matter. Bro code: the rules we live by. But when I’m with her I forget who I am. I forget who she is and my need for her is intense. She’s the drug I need to survive. The way she makes me feel or the smile she gives me when I walk into the room. It’s hypnotizing. Even though she makes my body come alive I can’t do anything. I refuse to be that guy to fuck with a grieving widow. I’m not that much of an asshole. I’m her friend, her rock, and someone who cares about her. That’s all. We’ll never be anything more and because of that I have to stay away. Slowing down I feel my phone vibrate and look to see it’s Devin calling. “What’s up?” “Hey. You down for a guy’s night?” “Fuck yes,” I tell him. “I need something to do.” “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just went for a run.” “You sure you’re good? You seemed weird today. Is Caroline okay?” “She’s good, Devin. I’m keeping her busy.” “Good to hear. I should stop by and see her. I’ve been an asshole and I feel bad. It’s hard though. I don’t do tears and I don’t know what I’d say to her.” “I get it, man,” I tell him. Since Evan died Devin hasn’t been the same. He’s closed off and guarded. Evan’s death took a toll on all of us, especially Devin. He heard about the plan from his informant, and by the time he told the squad it was too late. “Does she blame me?” “No. It wasn’t your fault. You should come by. She’d love to see you.” I hear him sigh and move around. “Yeah. I will. Okay, man, I’ll see you tonight. Usual spot?” “Yeah. Sounds good.” Heading back to Caroline’s I push down any feelings I have for her. I know it’s nothing but trouble and neither of us needs drama so I need to stay away from her and only look at her as my best friend. Good thing for a guy’s night out. I’ll find a distraction and fuck Caroline out of my system. Yeah, that’s what I need. I need a hot blonde to distract me from this shit and then I’ll feel normal again. When I get back Tonya’s over and I hear them laughing outside, so I rush upstairs to shower and get ready. Going back downstairs I peek outside and let her know I might not be back tonight. “Okay, have fun,” she tells me. “Where you headed?” Tonya asks. “Dragonfly. Guy’s night.” “Ah.” Tonya looks at me then at Caroline. “Guy’s night huh?” “Yes,” I tell her. “Wanna join them?” Tonya asks Caroline. “Ah no,” she responds. “Not in a going out mood. Plus, I’m tired.” This makes me laugh causing Caroline to shoot a death glare my way. “Maybe another night,” I tell them. “Seriously. Get dressed and let’s go. No staying in on Saturday nights. Come on!” I let out a groan and my plan to get pussy tonight goes out the window. The thought of talking to another chick when my mind’s on Caroline doesn’t sit well with me. Heading back to the living room I text Devin and let him know what’s going on. Devin: Does she know I’m gonna be there?’ Me: She’ll be fine with it. Don’t worry. Devin: Man, I don’t want her to be pissed. Me: She won’t. Just relax. Devin: I’ll see you guys soon then.

“Care,” I shout out. “Yeah?” “Devin’s gonna be out tonight with us. That cool?”

“Sure, I don’t care. It’ll be good to see him again.” Me: She’s excited to see you. Devin: Oh. Okay. That’s good.

When Caroline walks down in tight jeans and a tight black shirt I have to adjust myself and look away. Fuck she looks hot. Her hair is wavy and she has on light makeup. The outfit is simple, but I notice those red heels she has on and all I can think about is getting her alone and having my way with her. “Ready, ladies?” “Let’s go,” Tonya whoops and Caroline follows. We get to Dragonfly and Tonya drags Caroline to the bar. I see Devin and our other friend, Scott, hanging out by the pool table. “And he’s here,” Scott shouts, slapping my back as I shake Devin’s hand. “Is that Caroline?” “Yep. Tonya dragged her out and thought it would be a good idea since she’s been home for a while.” “Damn.” “What?” I sneer at Scott. “Nothing, man. She’s really hot tonight.” “Don’t get any ideas.” “I’m not. Just saying. You might want to tell those guys staring at her ass though,” Scott laughs. “Plus I really don’t need Evan haunting me.” I look over at Devin and he’s looking at Caroline too. “Go talk to her,” I tell him. “Yeah. I will.” He finishes his beer and makes his way over to Tonya and Caroline. “So Devin told me what you’re doing.” “And?” “Just a thought,” Scott starts to say. “Even if anything happens, you know that’s what Evan would want.” “Not even on my mind, man.” “Don’t lie to me. I see the way you’re looking at her and it’s been ten minutes. It’s okay to like her.” I rub my face and grab a beer from the ice bucket on the table. “It’s nothing. I want to make sure she’s okay and with my time off from the case and everything being quiet right now it feels right to be there.” “Do you think you’ll tell her?” “Fuck,” I mutter. That’s another reason why I can’t get involved with Caroline. There’s too much pain that goes along with being with me. I know too much and the secrets I’m keeping will fuck with her head and hurt her more. I need to stay focused and keep her safety in mind. I won’t let anything happen to her.





After talking to Devin and explaining that I don’t blame him at all and reassuring him I’m okay, he leaves to go back to the guys with a smile on his face. Tonya and I sit at the lounge watching the guys play pool and drinking our martinis. “It’s a good idea that I came out tonight. Thanks, bestie. Just no creepers please.” “Yeah, no thank you. If they know what’s best they’ll stay away tonight.” We clink glasses to that statement and Tonya continues. “Duh. I know what’s best for you. Keep drinking. You’ve only had three.” “I’m good.” I laugh. “Feeling kinda tipsy right now.” “I think someone’s coming for you.” Before I can say anything two guys come over to us. One stands above Tonya and I see her rolling her eyes while the other guy sits next to me. These boys, and yes boys because they look like they’re only eighteen, are already getting on my nerves. “Hey. I’m Bentley.” “Hello, Bentley. I’m Caroline.” “I saw you and knew I had to come over and talk to you.” Kill me please. “That’s so sweet of you.” “Hey, baby,” I hear Mason’s voice and feel his lips on my cheek. “What’s going on?” Before I can answer, Bentley gets up and quickly apologizes for bothering his girlfriend. I don’t say anything and lean into Mason’s touch. He grabs his friend and they head back to the bar. Poor guys. Probably wet themselves when they saw Mason. “Really?” I laugh, pushing him away. “Admit it. You like when I call you baby.” “No.” I pretend to gag. “It actually makes me sick, so go along now. You proved your point and saved the day.” I smile and sip on my martini. “Better be careful. You don’t want to drink too much and be too tired for tonight.” My smile drops and Tonya laughs in the background.

“What’s he talking about?” “Nothing,” I quickly answer. “Nothing.” “Tell her,” Mason adds, causing me to groan and mentally kill him. “Tell her about your action date with Brad,” he laughs and turns to head back to the guys. “Brad?” “He caught me using . . . Brad.” “Brad?” It takes Tonya a few seconds to figure out who Brad is and when she does a huge smile comes across her face. “Shut. Up. Holy shit, Caroline! Did he make any sexy comments?” “No.” “Well he probably didn’t want to make it weird. But holy fuck that’s so hot. He stood there watching you pleasure yourself. Wow.” She fans herself. “Fucking hot.” Leaning back on the couch I drink more of my martini and agree it is fucking hot that Mason stood there and watched me. Thinking about his reaction and the look in his eyes seeing me on my bed and hearing me moan. The lust in his eyes when I saw him didn’t scare me away. It’s alluring and seductive. “What am I gonna do?” “Babe, it’s okay to feel. You’re a woman and he’s sexy.” “He’s Evan’s best friend. I can’t, Tonya. He’s my best friend too. We’ve all known each other since high school. It’s wrong and a line I can’t cross.” As much as I’d like to feel his hands on my body and lips taking me to euphoria, I can’t do it. I still miss Evan and I cry about him so much. He’s my heart and has my heart. It’ll be wrong to move on to Mason and tarnish Evan’s memory. It’ll taint our memories and people will look at us with whispers and judgement. “You okay?” Tonya asks. “Yeah, I am.” I smile reassuringly and we continue to drink and order another round. At the end of the night we say our goodbyes to the guys and Mason takes us to the car. When I click the seat belt I lean my head against the window and fall asleep. I’m not twenty-one anymore and five martinis will get you to a certain level of drunk you don’t want to be at. I feel the car stop and the door close. My eyes refuse to open and when I’m lifted up into strong arms, I lean on the familiar chest and inhale the familiar scent of Mason. “Stay with me tonight,” I mumble and grip his shirt. “I don’t want to be alone.” “Anything for you. Wasn’t planning on leaving you,” I hear him say and let out a sigh. When we reach my bedroom and he sets me down I look at him with desire in my eyes and all I want is to feel his kiss again. Slowly standing up I place my hands on his chest, not removing my eyes from his, simply enjoying the rise and fall from his steady breathing. “You’re drunk,” Mason tells me. “Not too drunk. I know what I’m doing.” Licking my lips I wrap my arms around his neck and meet his lips with mine. A slow moan escapes him and I smile knowing I’m causing this reaction. I need to take control and show him this is what I want. Pulling him down on the bed he easily follows, but keeps his hands on my hips. Raising my hips up so he can feel the heat between my thighs I move one hand down his chest and grab his hard cock.

“Fuck, Care,” he whispers. “Holy fuck.” “I want you.” “Not tonight,” he says and a little embarrassment hits me. “Stop thinking I don’t want you. You can obviously feel that I do. When I have you, and I will, you’ll be completely sober and you’ll feel me everywhere.” He pauses and kisses me again. “You’ll feel me for days,” he whispers, “and when you come you’ll scream my name and scream for more.” “Oh God.” Can you orgasm from words? Holy shit this is hot. “If I can have my way with you I’d lick your body and kiss your inner thighs then make my way in between your legs and lick your sweet pussy,” he whispers in my ear and kisses my neck sending a surge of pleasure through my core. “I’ll get to taste how good you are and you’ll grab my head and push me in more. Do you want that?” “Mmm hmm,” I barely let out. “And while I’m eating your delicious pussy I’m going to slide two fingers into your sweet spot and feel you.” This gets me hot and when I feel his hand between my legs I gasp. “Oh shit. Are you getting turned on, baby?” “Yes.” “Take out your friend.” “What?” Mason pulls away and I whimper from the loss. “Get it,” he orders and I’m not going to lie, I like this aggressive tone he’s taking with me. Quickly getting up from the bed I go into the bathroom and grab my friend and hold it against my chest. Standing before him I see him staring at me, studying me, desiring me. “Take off your clothes,” he tells me with a deep and dark voice. Wow. I do as he says and soon I’m standing in front of him with just my bra and panties. He stands up and gently touches my shoulder and stands behind me. I feel his hot breath by my ear and he whispers, “Get on the bed and let me watch you pleasure yourself.” “What?” “Get. On. The. Bed. And. Show. Me.” Keeping my eyes on Mason I get on the bed and prop myself up against the pillows. My heart’s beating fast and I can feel the heat between my thighs. The way he’s looking at me is making me feel sexy and I want to do whatever he tells me to. “Do you want me to take off my thong?” He grins. “If you want to.” Slowly taking off my thong I drop it on the bedroom floor and spread my legs while my hand travels down my body to my wet clit. Instead of closing my eyes from the pleasure, I stare at Mason. His eyes are on my hand as he takes off his jeans and sits on the loveseat I have in the corner. Seeing him take out his hard cock turns me on and I swirl my fingers on my clit. “Tell me how wet you are.” “So wet,” I breathe out. “It feels so good.”

“Use your vibrator.” I grab it and press it on my pussy, seductively placing the toy inside of me and turning it on. “Good girl.” Turning the vibrator on level three I play with my clit and feel the vibrations inside my pussy. “Oh, ah.” “Talk to me, baby.” “The pressure, oh my God. It feels so good. I’m about to come soon.” “Yeah,” I hear the husky tone in his voice and I can’t tear my eyes from him as he pumps his cock up and down. Fuck I want to suck him. “Are you enjoying me jerking off?” “Yes,” I mutter, “I want to suck you.” Holy shit did I say that? “Really bad.” “Soon, baby. Tonight you’ll show me how you play with yourself so turn around. Get on the edge of the bed and keep your legs spread open.” I do as he says and prop myself on my elbows so I can still look at him. “Are you close?” “So close.” I pump the vibrator faster and press a little harder on my clit. “Yes. Ohhhh yeah, right there.” I feel my orgasm overtaking my body and soon Mason finds his release too. Watching him come apart is so hot. We clean up in the bathroom and suddenly I realize what happened. We didn’t touch each other, but it’s just as bad. We were in my bedroom I shared with Evan, on the bed I shared with Evan, and here I am happy. What the fuck is going on? “What?” he asks and comes a little closer to me. I back away and instantly see the hurt in his eyes. “Care?” “What’d we do, Mason? I mean, what the hell did we do?” “Hey,” his tone soothes my nerves and I calmly look down then look up at him again. “I know we did something and I know maybe you weren’t ready. I’m sorry for pushing you. I don’t want you to feel guilty, okay?” I don’t nod or say anything. “Hey.” He places his fingers under my chin and turns my head towards him. “Don’t turn away from me. What we did was fucking hot, okay?” I nod and he kisses me again. “No regrets or feeling bad. I get it, Care. It seems messed up because this was your room with Evan and he’s my best friend. We’re adults and moving on. We didn’t do anything wrong.” “I’m trying not to feel guilty. I’ve only been with Evan so my experience level isn’t very high. You’re right, being in the same bedroom I shared with Evan for so many years and then doing this with you is making me feel guilty even though I should.” I don’t want to hide anything from Mason so I’m letting it all out. I’m going to be honest with him. “I mean,” I touch his bare chest and study the look in his eyes, “it was hot, but part of me feels like it’s wrong.” “We have to take this slow. I don’t want to pressure you or scare you, baby.” “You’re not,” I honestly say. “I promise. As long as we’re honest with each other, we take things slow and talk I think we’ll be fine. I need you to understand where I’m coming from.” “Agreed. Well, do you want me to leave you alone for tonight so you can think?” “No.” “Okay then. Let’s go to bed.” He leads me to bed and we both climb in. Turning to face one another I kiss him goodnight and find myself asleep in a matter of seconds. Right now, in this moment, everything seems right. I feel safe and warm. I’m not sure when the right time to move on is and I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to love again.

Thinking too much about it makes me question things and then I fall back to square one. I need to learn how to live my life-breathe and live. Life is about taking chances and going with the moment. I’m making the decision to be happy with Mason and see where things go. Evan’s gone and he’s not coming back. I know he’d want me to move on with my life and find happiness again. Being with Mason makes me happy and I need to stop feeling guilty. Turning over I see Mason lying next to me. He’s lying on his back, shirtless, giving me a few moments to really look at him. Dear Lord the man has a body of God. Those abs and that V. Holy. Shit. I swear he’s looking even better in the morning. “Done raping me yet?” “I’m not,” I mutter and lie back down. “Bullshit. It’s okay, babe. Ogle away. My body is yours to lust and fantasize over. Maybe we should have a repeat of last night. You didn’t moan my name.” “Well maybe next time I will.” I turn over so he doesn’t see the smile on my face and notice the two aspirins and orange juice on the nightstand. My heart swells a little and I can’t believe how sweet he is. This is Mason: player, man slut, and totally incapable of having a relationship, yet here he is taking care of me and pushing me to live. He’s showing me a completely different side and it’s making me feel something; something I never thought I’d feel with Mason. “You’re welcome,” he tells me and I turn back to hit him on the chest. “Lazy Sunday?” “Yes please. I want to lie in bed all day and not do anything. My head’s killing me,” I sigh and vow to kill Tonya. “Thanks for taking care of me last night. Sorry I was a hot mess.” “Na you weren’t bad. Tonya,” he laughs, “now she needs to be careful. But no, it’s fine, Care. I’ll always be here for you,” he tells me and squeezes my shoulder. Here we are, in bed together, and I feel so safe and warm. When I turn around to face him I see the tenderness in his eyes. I don’t want to look away, but I do. The way he’s looking at me, seeing me, and searching my eyes for an answer. It’s mesmerizing. He’s not just looking at me, but searching for my soul and finding a way to stay. “Stay in bed and I’ll make us breakfast.” He leans over and kisses my forehead. I love the way his lips feel. I love the way he feels. “Okay. Thank you.” Part of me wants to ask him if we should talk about last night. I’m not sure what he’s thinking or if last night means anything to him. “You’re welcome, baby. And stop thinking. Like I told you last night was fucking hot and,” he pauses and sits back down on the bed, taking my hand into his. “I want to see where this goes. Is that okay?” “Yes. It’s okay.” I smile. “It’s really okay.” “Good. I’ll be back, baby.” When I hear him call me baby my heart skips a beat and butterflies take flight in my belly. My goodness how can one word make me swoon? Watching Mason walk out of my room with just his loose sweatpants on I turn over and shove my head into the pillow. This is so frustrating and I definitely need to get advice. Picking up my phone I text Tonya. Me: We slept in my bed together again and things happened. Tonya: Damn. What happened? Me: He had me pleasure myself and he jerked off . . . Tonya: OMG OMG OMG OMG! How was it? Is he huge? OMG OMG OMG OMG!

Me: I KNOW! I feel good. I was feeling guilty and wrong, but then it hit me I shouldn’t feel that way. I need to move on, right? Tonya: Right! You have every right to move on and if Mason makes you happy then go for it. Me: Thanks, I needed to hear you say that. Tonya: So is he big?!?! Me: ;) Tonya: Oh wow . . . he is! I’m glad you’re finally embracing your sexuality and taking control. Proud of you! Me: Ah thank you. LOL Tonya: You better tell me everything next time I come over! Me: Maybe. I don’t kiss and tell. Tonya: Whatever, bitch. Me: He’s coming back upstairs ttyl! Tonya: Ride that big cock and scream his name then call me later. LOL. Love you! Me: <3

I put away my phone and when Mason comes back to the room he has a tray full of food and a smile on his face. I try to get my breathing under control and fight the urge to kiss him again. Last night plays over and over in my head. Things are different now. We’ve crossed the friendship line to something intimate and sexy. From this moment on things are going to change and we’ll be two different people. When I look into his eyes as he sits back down next to me in bed it’s hard not to miss the desire pooling in his eyes. “Mason we need to talk.”





“Mason, we need to talk.” “I’m listening.” “I’m not pushing you away or anything. I want to know where your head’s at and how we can go past this. Last night was incredible.” She smiles and places her hands on mine. “And I made the decision to not feel guilty. I don’t want to feel guilty and you shouldn’t either.” “Are you sure about this?” “I am.” I look at this beautiful woman in front of me and smile. I have to smile because what she’s saying I understand perfectly well and she doesn’t need to feel this way. “Do you know the saying everything happens for a reason?” “Of course.” “This happened for a reason. I came back to you for a reason. Everything that’s happened in your life has happened for a reason and sometimes you don’t see it right away, but it’s there.” “I’m beginning to see it, Mason.” I shake my head and lean over to kiss her. “Good. I’m glad.” We sit on her bed eating breakfast, and I listen to her talk about anything that comes to her mind. She fits in my arms perfectly and I love being around her. She makes me feel alive and when we’re together it’s real. Last night is still on my mind and I want more. Part of me wants to take her now, but the other part of me, the gentleman part, wants everything to be perfect. This is Caroline, not some broad I’ll fuck and leave. She’s different and deserves more than one night. What we’re doing isn’t wrong and I’m going to make her happy. Being here feels good. I miss her when I go for a run or when I run to the store. I think about her all the time and at night I’m getting really close to sliding in next to her and having my way. “What do you want to do today?” she asks and turns to face me. “Lazy Sunday, baby. Let’s relax here and not do a damn thing. We’ll order takeout, maybe lie out in the sun, and just chill.” “I like the sound of that.” She smiles and rubs her stomach. “You’re such a good cook. Thanks for making breakfast. Should we go grocery shopping today?”

“If you want.” “I think so. I don’t want to get used to take outs. I miss home cooked meals. I’ve been looking up different meals and think I can make something really good for tomorrow. What do you say?” “Let’s chill for a few then we’ll tackle Wegmans.” “Okay.” I grab the tray and bring everything back downstairs and start the dishwasher. Grabbing two bottles of water I head back upstairs and decide on putting in a movie. Looking through her collection I pick out White Chicks, a classic. “What movie?” “You’ll see.” “Better be something good.” I smile and choose not to respond. When I press play she snuggles up next to me and I feel her relax. My arm’s resting over her shoulders and she’s hugging my stomach. The feel of her body this close to mine makes me want her more. I want to get on top of her and tear off her little tank and take her perfect breasts in my mouth. The sounds she’ll make will drive me crazy and when I sink inside of her I’ll never want to leave. Great. And now I’m turned on. Looking down at the blanket she would definitely be able to see how hard I am. Shit. Grandma. Spiders. Grandma in a bathing suit. Thank you God for letting that work. I look down and her eyes are on the TV so hopefully she didn’t see my massive hard on. “Are you serious?” she shrieks. “Come on! I don’t want to watch this movie.” “Too bad, baby. Deal with it.” “Ugh. I hate you.” “Love you too.” Without realizing it I’m kissing the top of her head and she squeezes me a little tighter. The movie starts and I swear her hand is dangerously close to my dick. Why the hell is she so close? I’m getting hard again and there’s no way I can explain this shit if she sees me like this. I run through my hard on go away list and finally it works. “Mase?” “Yeah?” I struggle to say. She sits up and looks at me. I know that look in her eyes and shit it’s fucking with my head. When she leans in I don’t pull back. Her lips meet mine and she tugs on my shoulders and before I know it she’s straddling me. Holy. Fuck. Is this shit really happening? I feel the heat of her pussy grinding against me and it’s taking everything in me to not flip her over and have my way. Pulling her closer to my body, I explore her mouth with my tongue and those moans I love so much are loud and she’s telling me she wants more. My hands roam her back and one finds her breast. Fuck, she feels good. So perfect and plump. I need more. Fuck, I need her pussy.

But I pull back and stare into her eyes. “Mase?” “Shit, Care.” I clear my throat and still keep my eyes on her. “I don’t know what’s going on and what this is,” I start to say, “and I’m not going to lie. I’m going to be straight up with you. I want you, Care, but not here and not like this,” I explain and rub her arms. “I need to make sure that you’re sure because once we do this there’s no turning back.” “Mase, I want you. More than anything. All I know is I think about you a lot. I think about your lips on me and touching me all over. It feels like I’m cheating on Evan, but I’m not. It sucks. He’s gone and I know he’s not coming back. We’ve known each other for so long and you’re here for me.” “That’s the thing. I’m convenient for you and that’s okay. I will give you whatever you need.” I lean in and kiss her again. “If you need a friend I’m here. If you need a boyfriend I’m here. If you need a fuck buddy I am here.” Leaning my forehead against hers I need her to understand my intentions. “This isn’t what I planned for. I need you to know that. I need you to know I came here to protect you and make sure you’re okay. I know you’re not ready and I’m not ready either. Maybe something is happening between us. Maybe we should see where it goes.” “I’d like that. Just to let you know you’ll always be more than a friends with benefits. I don’t want to use you.” “Use me if you have to.” “Let’s take it slow and see where we go. Let me control this because I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to feel like I have some sort of hold on this. Mistakes will happen, but those mistakes will help me learn. It’ll help us learn.” “Sounds like a plan. Whatever you need I’ll give to you.” I tell her and I mean it. This isn’t something I won’t take seriously. Caroline doesn’t deserve mediocre. She deserves gold-the best. “Thank you, Mase.” “Let’s go back to the movie and then we’ll go grocery shopping.” “Okay.” She kisses me again and slowly gets off me. When her eyes land on my cock she gives me a look. “Are you going to be okay?” “Yeah sure. Don’t worry.” I know damn well my balls are going to hurt like shit.





After the movie Mason gives me some privacy so I can get ready. In the shower I stand under the water and think. I’m doing the right thing and I’m moving on with my life. We’re going to take things slow and that’s the pace I need. I touch my lips and remember the kiss. His hands explored my body and made me come alive. He’s putting a permanent smile on my face and I don’t want him to go anywhere. When I get out of the shower I head to the bedroom and instantly see the picture of us on the nightstand. Sitting on the bed with the picture in my hand I stare at Evan and a tear falls. “Evan, is this okay?” I hear a box fall and look behind me to see the box from our lawyer’s office. That was weird. Getting up I bend down and see the envelope I’ve been avoiding. Sitting on the bedroom floor I slide my finger across the envelope and take out the letter. It’s a letter from Evan and I take a few deep breaths. Can I read his last words to me? I have to. I have to know. Caroline, If you’re reading this then you know I’m not here with you. As much as it kills me to write this letter I have so much I want to say. You are my life and make me whole. Everything good in my life is because of you. When you danced with me for the first time during our freshman dance I knew right then and there you were going to become Mrs. Caroline Reed. We made it through high school together and UB. We graduated and I promised you the world. You stood by my side through it all and I can’t thank you enough. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more. I’m sorry I’m not with you. Please don’t stop living because I’m not here. As much as I hate to say this . . . I’m a chapter in your life and our chapter is over. It was the best chapter of my life and now I have to let you go. Babe, I need you to promise me you’ll move on and find someone who’ll love you and make you smile. I want you to be happy and have someone love you with their whole heart. I know you’re going to be sad for a while, but it won’t last forever. You’re going to be okay and you’re going to smile soon. Even though I’m gone, I’m still with you. Caroline promise me you’ll be okay. Promise me you’re going to live your life to the fullest and find love again. I may not have been the best husband, but you were the best wife. You’re going to always be with me and I’ll never stop loving you.

Until we meet again. I love you Caroline. Forever. All of me, Evan I read the letter a few more times and a tear streams down my cheek. I hold the letter to my chest and let out a breath. A small smile teases my lips. If that wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what is. “Thank you. I promise, Evan.” The week flies by and Mason’s busy working so it gives me time to run errands and do some redecorating. Just as I’m about to put on a movie I hear Tonya barreling in with a bag and a huge smile on her face. “Get up, buttercup!” “Excuse me? What’s going on?” “Nope not doing this right now. Come upstairs now!” I follow Tonya and the next thing I know she’s dumping clothes onto my bedroom floor and pushing me onto the bed. “What the hell?” “We’re having a girl’s night out, babe.” “A what?” “You heard me right. Shana’s cousin from Miami is in town and they rented space at ONE nightclub. VIP only! We’re going and we’re going to have fun, dance and drink.” “What?” “Nope not tonight, girly.” Tonya tosses me a dress and when I look at it my face goes pale. “This is way too short and it’s going to be way too tight. What the hell, Tonya?” “Go. Change. Now.” Standing in the middle of my bathroom with this dress I look at myself in shock. I can’t walk out of the house like this. If I bend over everyone will see my ass. “Not coming out!” I shout from the bathroom. Quickly taking off my dress Tonya storms in and has her hands on her hips. “Don’t sass me, Caroline. You’re going to wear the dress and have fun tonight.” “First, I’m practically naked.” Tonya waves me off and rolls her eyes. “Second, if I bend over you can see my ass.” “You have a nice ass!” “Not the point, Tonya!” “Just take a shower and put on the dress. I’ll do your hair and makeup okay?” Finally, I give in and jump in the shower. Making sure I take my time lathering myself up with body wash and shaving my legs, I decide it’s time to get out since my skin is pruning up. I put the dress on again and roll my eyes. When I walk out of the bathroom I’m shocked to see the tight little red dress on Tonya. Knowing how Clarke is I’m surprised he’s okay with her wearing something so tight and little. The dress is a halter and hits her mid-thigh. She looks amazing in the dress

and her boobs look perky. “Okay I’m ready,” I tell her and she turns to look at me with a smile on her face. “Good. Now how do I look?” “Amazing. I’m surprised Clarke’s okay with you wearing that.” “He actually picked it out!” “Well he has great style. I love it on you.” Tonya turns around and then hands me a shot. “Don’t ask. Just take it. To a fun and sexy night out.” I take the shot and surprisingly really like it. I keep pulling the dress down and then pulling it up so my boobs don’t hang out or my ass doesn’t play peek a boo. The club is crowded and I’m still feeling pretty good from our pregame session. Tonya’s drinking a mixed drink and I finished mine. The line’s too long at the bar and honestly I think I’m done drinking for the night. “Smile!” Tonya shouts and we pose for a selfie. “So cute!” The bass of the music blasts through and everything’s going well. I’m having fun with my best friend and silently thank her for taking me out. When I stopped being self conscious I actually love the dress on me and from the looks I’m getting from other men in the club they feel the same way. The lace in the back runs down my back and stops right where my ass is and the material is soft and light on my skin. The dress fits me perfectly and even though it’s short and seductive it’s classy. I really should be happy and thankful Tonya cares so much about me she’s out away from Clarke and making sure I have a great time. This is the meaning of having a best friend. A familiar song comes on and Tonya grabs my hand and leads us to the dance floor. Raising our arms in the air and swaying our hips to the beats of the song a big smile comes on my face. “You look so hot tonight!” Tonya says and I blow her a kiss. “You do too! I’m sure Clarke’s excited to get you home later,” I say with a wink. “You know it!” The song changes to something fast paced with a good beat and when I turn around someone puts their arm around my waist and moves his hips with mine. When I turn to see who it is I don’t mind. He’s tall with blond hair and the club’s too dark to see what color eyes he has, but he has a pretty sexy smile. Leaning down he whispers in my ear, “I like the way you move,” and pulls me in closer. With the amount of alcohol I have in my system I lose all inhibitions and go with it. He’s cute and we’re in a club dancing. There’s nothing wrong with what’s going on. When sexy guy’s hands rests on my thighs, slowly rising up, and staying steady I get nervous, but toss it out of my head. If he gets closer to my lady business then we’ll have a problem. I may be drunk, but not stupid. A few more songs play and Tonya pulls me off the dance floor for more drinks. The guy I was dancing with follows with someone else. I look at Tonya and she gives me a wink. I didn’t realize she was dancing with someone also. “Okay, boys, so whatcha getting us?” Her dance buddy smiles at us and orders four shots of Patron. I grimace and take a breath. Patron and I don’t get along. We get into bad fights and someone usually ends up crying on the bathroom floor. Since Patron is a nasty bitch with no feelings, that crying person will be me.

“Cheers, ladies,” my sexy guy says and puts an arm around me bringing me to his side. It’s not the same feeling I get when Mason does it. Mason. Noticing the time I figure he’ll be home soon to tell me about his night. That’s what we do after work. I’ll have some snacks or maybe a sandwich waiting for him and we’ll talk for a while before crashing. Mason. I miss him.





Getting off a few hours early because I’m sick makes me want to punch a wall. I haven’t been sick in years and now I’m hit with the damn stomach flu. When I get back home I notice it’s eerily quiet and I call out for Caroline. There’s no answer so I assume she’s sleeping or doing something else. Making my way upstairs I see clothes all over and shot glasses on her vanity. Tonya. I message Clarke to see if he knows where they are. Clarke: Tonya took her out for girl’s night or some shit. You feeling okay? Me: Besides sweating like a bitch and feeling like death yep just peachy. Is Tonya spending the night? Clarke: No I’m picking her up. They should be back soon.

Before I can text him back I hear the door open followed by lots of giggling. Walking back downstairs I see Caroline falling face down ass up on the couch and Tonya laughing on the living room floor. “Having fun, ladies?” Caroline’s head pops up with a sexy smile on her face. “OhmiGodMase! Youlooksohot. Youshouldacameouttonightitwassofun” She squeals and jumps into my arms wrapping her legs around my waist. She presses her lips against mine and laughs. “Drinking tequila?” “Mm hm and it’s not bad. Shawn showed me how to get over my sickness.” “Shawn?” She nods. “Yep the guy I was dancing with. He asked me for my number, but I said no,” she laughs and looks at Tonya. “He seemed so sad.” Sliding off me Caroline grabs Tonya and shows me how she was dancing with Shawn. “Ha no wonder he was sad. You totally gave him blue balls. Where’d you learn how to dance like that?” “Drunk dancing is my specialty.” She smiles and jumps on me again, wrapping her legs back around me as if it was the most natural thing. She leans back and is staring at me the way she did that night we pleasured ourselves. “Why are you getting hard?” she whisper giggles in my ear. “Is it because you’re thinking about me dancing? Or do you want me to give you a private show?”

Before I can answer Clarke comes in and gives me a curious look and walks to Tonya. We exchange small talk and then say bye to them. I lock the door while holding Caroline still and shut off the lights. Walking her upstairs she rests her head on my shoulder and gently rubs my neck. “You’re home early.” “Not feeling too good,” I tell her and get to her bedroom. Putting her on the bed I strip out of my uniform and crash head first on the bed. Sleep. I fucking need sleep. Turning my head to look at her she’s sliding out of her dress and my hard on comes back. “You’re sleeping in your panties tonight?” “Duh,” she giggles. When she’s under the covers, we’re facing each other and neither of us says anything. I like looking at her. There’s something about her eyes that calms me. Her dark brown eyes with a hint of honey gives me what I need to know how she’s feeling. No matter what she says or does when I look into her eyes I can tell if she’s lying or telling me the truth. The eyes are the window to a person’s soul and hers speaks perfectly clear to me. When her small hand rests on my chin I have to close my eyes and steady my breathing. Allowing the touch to soothe me I open my eyes and see her smile. This is another big step in the direction of whatever we’re doing. “Go to sleep,” I tell her and watch as her eyes flutter closed. “Sweet dreams,” I whisper before finding sleep. The next few days I’m bed ridden with a fever of one hundred and two. Caroline takes care of me, bringing me chicken noodle soup and juice. I hate being sick and I hate being taken care of, but with Caroline I don’t mind. She spends her time in bed with me and reads to me or we watch whatever’s on TV. It’s nice. There’s nothing sexual or kinky about how we’re spending time together. It’s us, and I like it. I like it too much. She’s comfortable with me and hasn’t had a breakdown in a while. I’m glad she’s healing and I’m glad she’s here. When she looks at me the way she does, I savor it. She acts like I’m saving her, but in reality, she’s the one saving me. Every time I go to work I think about her and make sure I stay safe so I can come back to her. Every time I walk through the door to her house I want to scoop her in my arms and tell her we’ll buy another house and make it our own. She has me wrapped around her finger and I’d do anything to keep the smile on her beautiful face. I know she cares for me the way I care for her. I know she wants me the way I want her. But, I don’t know if her heart is ready the way my heart beats for her. By day four I’m ready to get back to work. My fever’s gone and I feel better. Clarke said to take another day off, so while Caroline’s shopping with Tonya I decide to get take-out for dinner tonight. Ordering her favorites, shrimp lo mein and General Tso’s chicken with fried rice, I order a few appetizers and shrimp with vegetables and some extra fried rice. I get home before Caroline and set up the dinner table. We usually eat at the island and it’s comfortable. My phone beeps and it’s Caroline. Caroline: Did you pick up dinner? Me: Yep. Caroline: Good. I’m starving! Be home in 2 min. Me: Sounds good. Did you have fun? Caroline: I did. =)

I don’t respond and wait for her to walk through the door. “Let’s watch The Conjuring tonight. I feel like a scary movie,” Caroline says as she looks at the

food on the kitchen table, drooling over everything I got. Her hair is loose down past her shoulders and she’s changed into a baggy shirt with tight black yoga pants. She has no idea how sexy she is and I hold back from touching her. “Sounds good. We can do that.” I get a smile from my response and we sit down to eat. “What kind of wine do you want?” “Any is fine,” I tell her and watch as she gets up to grab a bottle. Popping the cork she pours us both a glass and sets the bottle on the table. She tells me about her day with Tonya and I listen as she goes on about their shopping and eating lunch at a new restaurant in College Town. “Ew what the hell are you eating?” “What?” I eye the squid tentacles on my plate and realize what she’s saying. “It’s good. Have you ever tried it?” “No.” She scowls. “It’s so gross. Ew.” “How do you know?” “Um, I do. Tentacles. Squid. Ew. So gross. I can’t believe you’re eating that.” “Believe it, baby.” I smile and eat some more just to gross her out. “You’ll try some soon. Don’t worry.” “If you put that near me I swear I will kick you so hard you’ll feel it for days,” she tells me with a cheeky smile. “You’ll try it soon.” “If you want to retain feeling in your balls you’ll drop this.” “Ouch, baby. Just admit you want to touch it. You don’t need an excuse.” We finish dinner and head over to the couch and watch the movie. When I put the DVD in she grabs a blanket and gets comfortable while I put away the dishes and refill our wine glasses. Sitting down with her she curls up next to me and places her head on my shoulder. Before the movie starts I can feel her tension. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” “Liar.” I move so that we’re facing each other and I can get a better sense with how she’s feeling. “Tell me.” “I’m fine.” “No bullshitting, Caroline.” She sighs and bites her lower lip. “Is it bad that you make me really horny?” “Not at all, baby.” I kiss the top of her head and hold her close to my body. “Let me take you out on a date. Just you and me.” “Okay.” “Now stop thinking and let’s enjoy the movie.” I pull Caroline close to me and kiss her again. The day of our date I’m with Devin and Clarke talking about the case and drinking a beer at Clarke’s house. The guys are giving me a look and I’m ready to punch both of them out.

“You’ve lost your fucking mind, you know that right?” Devin stands in front of me with his eyes glaring at me. Since we got here he’s been giving me shit left and right. If he wasn’t my friend I’d let him know he’s a little bitch. “You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.” I glance at Clarke and he clears his throat. “What, you got something to say too?” “That’s Evan’s wife, Ryan,” Clarke says. “Dead or not, come on, you have to know that’s wrong.” “The both of you have no idea what you’re saying. We’ve been friends since high school and that’s all I’ve seen her as until now. I get it he’s our best friend and married her, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I’m falling for her.” Devin grunts and turns away. “Or are you falling for easy pussy?” “Watch it,” I growl and turn Devin so he’s facing me. “Don’t talk shit if you don’t know what’s going on. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you try to kiss Tonya the day of her wedding?” The room grows silent and both guys are looking down. It’s crystal clear where they stand on this topic. Honestly it’s something I’m still battling and I keep reminding myself that we aren’t doing anything wrong. “That’s different.” “How so, asshole?” “I wasn’t thinking and drank too much.” “Whatever,” I mutter and finish my beer. “Don’t sit there giving me shit and judging me or her. We’re adults and doing nothing wrong. Still got a problem with that?” “Actually I do,” Devin says. “It’s not right. Evan was our best friend and here you are going behind his back? What do you have to offer her?” Sitting here taking shit from my supposed best friends is pissing me off. I’m struggling with this issue and beating myself up enough about it. I don’t want to be seen as the guy who swoops in and takes advantage of a vulnerable woman, or have Caroline be seen as a whore. That’s not the situation. Everything is going on so fast. I never thought about her in that way. I never lusted for her, dreamt about her, and certainly never thought about kissing her. Things happen and it’s part of life. I’m not going to continue to beat myself up or make Caroline feel bad. If something’s going to happen then we’ll talk about it and go from there. We’re not doing anything wrong I repeat to myself. “I don’t have to answer you, Devin. You don’t know shit. Keep assuming and talking shit, but if you ever make Caroline feel anything different you’ll answer to me.” “Whatever, man.” I finish with Clarke and grab my things to head out. Before going home I decide to hit up the gym and work out my frustrations.





After the gym I sit in my car and think about what they said earlier today. I’m not doing anything wrong. Caroline’s not doing anything wrong. We’re two adults trying to move on with our lives and somehow are finding ourselves gravitating towards one another. Staring at my phone I text the one person I always turn to when life feels like shit. We decide to meet at Panera for lunch and I’ll admit that if Caroline or anyone sees me with her shit will go crazy. Sitting down at a booth with my food I look out the window and let my mind wander. I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is guilt, regret, or the feeling of fucking it all and doing what I want. This is why I don’t involve myself in relationships or allow my heart to do the thinking. I stand on my own two feet and think with my head. I’ve been in critical situations and can make fast decisions without a second thought. With Caroline everything is being questioned. I contradict myself on the daily when it comes to her. I need advice and I need it now. “Hey, stranger.” I look up at the familiar voice and see that smile that used to make my bad days go away. Danielle Martin was an on again off again girlfriend without the label. We had a good time together and it was nice to have someone, but we knew we weren’t in love and soon whatever our relationship was turned into friendship. She understood when I told her how I felt and luckily didn’t go crazy bitch on me like some women do. That’s the thing about Danielle: she’s down to earth and can take whatever comes to her. I depend on her the way she depends on me. The sexual feelings aren’t there anymore and on days where I need an unbiased opinion, she’s the one I turn to. “Hey.” I smile and watch her sit down. I hand her food over and we sit in a comfortable silence before she breaks it. “What’s going on?” I rub my face with my hands and look down. “I feel like a pussy, Dani.” “Okay?” “Remember when Evan died?” She nods her head. “Remember when I was undercover and couldn’t see Caroline?” She nods again. “I’m living with her now.” “Oh.” Dani leans in close and places her hands on mine. “You love her.” I quickly look up and shake my head. “Yes you do. You and Caroline have a special bond. I saw it and I’m pretty sure the both of you

did too.” “She’s my good friend. She’s Evan’s wife.” “And? Evan passed away and now Caroline’s trying to live her life and if I know you like I know I do then I know you’re helping her.” “I am. Shit, it wasn’t supposed to happen. We kissed a few times and fuck, Dani, she’s all I think about. I feel like an asshole for what I’m doing. Evan’s my best friend.” “It’s not like you were lusting for her before. This happens,” she continues. “It’s life, Mason. Sometimes when you least expect something good to happen it happens. You can’t fight it. I get that you feel bad and guilty. You internalize everything and forget that you have people who want to be here for you.” I nod and listen. “You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone.” I tell her what happened at the station and she eats while I talk. It pisses me off both of my best friends think that low of me. “They’re idiots. Seriously, Mason. Don’t overthink it and talk to her.” “She’s so up and down. When I got there she was emotional and dead inside. She barely talked and kept everything locked up inside. I don’t think she allowed herself to feel anything, but for the past few weeks things have been good. Just not sure for how long.” “I’ve never seen you like this, Mason. I don’t know what to say. I can tell you all of these wise quotes, and help you, but I’m not sure I’m the one who can be the guide you need.” “When we broke up did you feel relieved?” “In some ways, yes.” “Was I good to you?” “You were and sure we had issues, but that’s in the past.” “Then do you think I’ll be good for Caroline?” “I think you need to figure this out and talk to her. Make her feel again. Make her life good again.” “Yeah,” I respond and change the topic. Danielle’s right. She can only do so much to help me and now I have to figure this out for myself. I leave the restaurant feeling better and instead of going back to Caroline’s I head to my parents’ house to get ready. I still have a few hours before our date. Taking out my phone when I walk into my parents’ house I text Caroline to see how she’s feeling. Caroline: I’m good. Is everything okay? Me: Yeah. Everything’s fine. I saw Danielle today and we caught up on what’s going on. Caroline: Oh. Me: It’s not like that, baby. She’s a good friend. Caroline: I know. Me: Don’t be jealous. You’re the only one I’m thinking about. Caroline: I’m not jealous and that’s good to know I’m the one on your mind. Keep it that way. ;) Me: I can’t wait to see you tonight. Caroline: Me too. So where are you taking me? Me: Don’t worry about it. I got you something. It’s in your room. Wear that and let me take care of the rest. Caroline: Ok. =)

“Is that my son? Is my son smiling from ear to ear?” I hear my mother say and I give her a kiss on the

cheek before sitting down at the kitchen table. She turns to look at me and I shrug my shoulders. “You know I’ve always liked Caroline. She’s sweet. You need a sweet woman.” “Things are good. I’m taking her out tonight. Dinner at Pane Vino on the River.” “That sounds nice honey. Are you doing anything else?” There’s no way I’m telling her I’m taking Caroline to The Woodcliff hotel tonight and spending time with her so I simply smile and she shakes her head. “Well have fun,” she laughs and I get up to head to my room and get ready for tonight. Taking one last look I say goodbye to my parents and get in my car to head to her place. Thanks to Tonya I have a bag for her so we’re all set for tonight. I don’t know what I’m expecting or if I’m expecting anything. I want to spend time with her and feel her next to me without being in a house she shared with Evan. As much as it doesn’t bother me that I’m living with her, in many ways it still does, because here I am, the best friend, playing house with her since Evan’s gone. Parking outside of her house I look at the door and then look at the gift I got her. It’s nothing special just a necklace with her birthstone: amethyst. Tonight it’s about her and I. We’re going to figure out what exactly is going on between us and go from there. Doing that in the house they shared isn’t what I want to do. I want to be away from their memories so I don’t feel haunted by his ghost. If this is going where I think and hope it’s going I want to start fresh with Caroline and build a new life for her. I want to give her everything she deserves and needs, and hopefully when the time’s right I’ll make her understand the secret I needed to keep from her. Devin and Clarke’s words play in my head. Each time I think what I’m doing is right, something or someone makes me question what I’m doing. Everything about Caroline makes me want to be better; she pushes me to be a better man. She’s giving me new perspectives on life and with her I laugh more, smile more, and fucking hell, I sound like a woman. Rubbing my face I lean back in my car seat and stare at the house I’ve been living in these past few months. Within these months she’s gone from breakdowns and nightmares to waking up in my arms and adventuring into things I never thought possible. She’s controlling her life and making it possible to live. Instead of being locked away she’s going out and having fun. We both make each other come alive. With her I’ll do anything and give her anything. If she wants space to think I’ll do that. If she wants more I’ll do that. My strength crumbles when I’m with her and there’s nothing I want more than to make her mine.





Sliding on the beautiful black dress I look in the mirror and look from each angle. The dress falls right above my knees with a classy V neck and the back is open so wearing a bra isn’t possible, but luckily this dress makes my boobs look fabulous. Retouching my lip gloss I fluff my hair some more and take a deep breath. Tonight I’m going out with Mason on a real date. This isn’t a friendly friend date, but more so a romantic swoon date. I’m not sure what to expect tonight so I’m going in with no expectations. I’m going with the flow and will not worry. When the doorbell rings I take another breath, grab my clutch and head downstairs. Opening the door I smile when I see Mason in a deep blue button-down, gray dress pants, black shoes and in his hands is a bouquet of roses and lilies. The way his shirt hugs to his muscular body makes it impossible to not stare. His height with his broad shoulders and muscular arms makes it incredibly difficult to not have sexual thoughts. Maybe we can skip the date and have a repeat of that night with touching and more pleasure than either of us can imagine. On the outside Mason stands tall with his tough exterior and alluring presence, yet I know him. To me, he’s not Mason Ryan bad ass police officer. To me, he’s just Mason. He’s my best friend and the reason why I’m able to get back to my life. I appreciate how tough he is and how gentle he can be when we’re together. I feel his tenderness and ache for more. In so many ways I want him to take control. I want him to push me against the wall and make my body come apart. But knowing Mason I know he’s waiting for me to take the first leap of faith. “Hi,” I breathe out. “You look amazing.” He smiles and comes in. Handing me my flowers he leans in and kisses my cheek. “Breathtakingly beautiful.” “Let me put these in a vase and we can get going.” “Sounds good.” Grabbing a vase from the cabinet I fill it with cool water and feel his eyes on me, watching me, desiring me, causing my hands to shake and yearn for his touch again. “Let me help you,” he mutters and takes the vase from my hands while I trim the flowers and place the bouquet in the water. “Thank you again for the beautiful flowers.” I smile and lean in to kiss him. “I love it.” “Anything to make you smile. I missed you.”

“Why? I’m always here.” I know the answer. I know he thinks about me when he’s at work or out and it makes me happy knowing he’s breaking down my walls and cares so much about me. “I know. It’s different when we’re away. I think about holding you in my arms and spending more time with you. Things are different now. I don’t just look at you as my best friend, but something more.” “You do?” “Why are you acting surprised?” I shrug and walk to him, wrapping my arms around his waist, smelling him, enjoying this moment with just him. “I’m not trying to act surprised. It’s nice to hear you say these things and know how patient you are.” “You’re the one in control, Caroline. You’re the one who sets the pace and I’ll follow. Whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do that, I’ll be here and I’m not walking away.” Right at this moment I completely understand where he’s coming from and I don’t want to confuse him with assumptions. I understand his hesitation and I’m glad he’s letting me take control. I need control. I need to know what’s going to happen so I can prepare myself. It baffles me how I can move on to someone I’ve known almost my whole life and have never considered in a romantic fashion; someone who’s been there for me through almost all the monumental moments of my life. Mason Ryan is my someone. “Take me on our date,” I tell him and stand on my tippy toes to kiss the bottom of his chin. “I’m ready for a night out.” “My pleasure.” Mason places his arm around my shoulders as we walk outside to his car. Like the gentleman that he is he opens the door for me and soon we’re heading to his surprise date for me. Buckling my seatbelt I watch him get in the car and start it, reversing out of my driveway and towards the highway. To say I’m nervous and anxious is an understatement. “Are you going to give me a hint as to where we’re going?” “Downtown.” “Downtown? Okay. How about where?” He laughs and places his hand on my thigh. “How about you wait and see so I can show you how romantic I can be?” “Oh my, how did I get so lucky?” I press my hand to my chest and exaggerate my tone and gesture. His mouth curves into a smile as he takes my hand into his and brings it up to his lips. “Such a sassy woman.” A few more minutes and Mason’s parking in front of Pane Vino on the River and an attendant opens my door to welcome both of us. “Fancy shmancy,” I whisper to Mason. He takes my hand into his and we walk inside and are immediately seated when he gives the hostess his name. We’re seated by the window overlooking the water. I look outside and love the sight I see. It’s not the prettiest sight, but seeing the water flowing brings me peace and hope. The water rushes from one end to the other, washing away anything from the start and giving new light and start to the next wave of water. It sounds silly and possibly trivial . . . it just brings me peace of mind. “Hey, Officer Ryan.” I look up from the menu to see a beautiful blonde smiling at Mason.

“Hey, Stephanie. How’s everything going?” “Good,” she answers and I hate that I’m feeling a little insecure, even though I shouldn’t, most likely she’s someone he’s helped so I continue looking at my menu since I have no idea what to do or say. “Stephanie, this is my girlfriend, Caroline. Caroline, this is Stephanie. I helped her a few years ago.” I turn to her and she still has that beautiful smile on her face. “It’s so nice to meet you,” she says and extends her hand to shake mine. “Officer Ryan has been a blessing in my life.” “That’s so wonderful to hear,” I tell her while looking at him then back at her. “He’s a wonderful man and police officer.” “So true. Without him I’d probably be homeless or something.” “I’m so glad he was able to help you.” “Me too. Okay so enough about me. What can I get you to drink and start off with?” We order a bottle of wine and clams casino to start. I take Mason’s hands into mine and smile. “You’re amazing, you know that?” “Every day I go into my job not knowing what to expect. Some nights are good, and others leave a mark on your heart you can’t forget. With Stephanie,” he sighs, “I can’t get into it too much. She’s a fighter and got out of a bad situation before it got worse. I love my job and I love the people I help. It’s hard a lot of the times.” “Seeing that smile on her face you know she cares about you and is so thankful.” “I care about everyone I help and many I try to stay in touch with especially the ones who really need someone to look after them.” “I’m so proud of you, Mason.” “Thanks, baby.” He smiles. “I hate to ruin this moment,” I say, biting my lower lip, and looking at his hand as his fingers gently rub my wrist causing my body to vibrate from his touch. “So I’m your girlfriend?” “If you want to be. I’m falling for you, Care.” “I’m falling for you too,” I interrupt him. “Just want you to know when we’re together or when we kiss I don’t think about Evan. I think about Evan when it’s quiet and I’m alone or shopping at our favorite stores. When I’m with you I don’t think about him and I know that might sound heartless. I’m not sorry for that, though. It’s you who I want to be with, Mason.” Breathing out those words to him is a weight lifted off my shoulders. My heart doesn’t break like it normally does when I think or talk about Evan, instead my heart is beating for Mason and his strength. He’s so strong: physically, emotionally and psychologically. When I think about us, together, my own feelings mattered. I didn’t think about how he feels or consider his own hesitations. Our hearts are trying to find a way to be together, without the guilt or concerns of moving on, and yet we struggle with bumps along the way. Maybe that’s life telling us we can make it because no one gives you more than you can handle. At first denying my feelings for Mason is what I did and now I don’t want to do that anymore. I need to let him know he’s not fighting anyone for my heart, body and soul. “You’re not fighting a ghost, Mason. I’m here with you. Completely and whole heartedly.” Mason doesn’t say anything. Instead he looks at me and his lips curve into that sexy smile I love so much. Slowly getting up from his chair he leans down and kisses me. “You’re perfect,” he whispers on my

lips. “No you are.” We enjoy the wine and appetizer before ordering our dinner. Instead of talking about how we feel I tell Mason about going back into teaching and since September is only around the corner I think it’s time to get my life back on track. “Can I ask you something?” “Sure,” he says and takes a bite of his lamb. “Is there really a mole in the department?” I lower my voice and make sure it’s quiet enough so only he can hear me. The mole, the rumor, hasn’t been a thought until now. I didn’t care about what was going on in the department, but the more I think about it the more I wonder if the “mole” has anything to do with the shooting. “Care . . .” “Please don’t hide anything from me, Mason.” He looks around and puts down his fork and knife before talking. “When Rico died in our custody something didn’t feel right. Clarke looked at his death as nothing since Rico was a drug dealer and rapist. To him, in his eyes, it was a criminal off the streets, never to hurt anyone again. Something inside me told me to not let it go. I’ve been going through some things and investigating as much as I can. Scott and I are digging a little more. He’s looking up his own information because he feels the same as I do.” Mason lets out an exhausted sigh and takes another bite of his dinner. “Nothing. I come up with nothing. No one talks about it since Clarke doesn’t want to go by the words of a known criminal. Scott and I both know something’s going on.” “Still your gut is telling you something.” “Yeah it is. I told Scott last week to calm down with the investigation. Things are weird at the station and officers are getting gossipy.” “Do you think it has anything to do with Evan’s death?” “Honestly, I’m not sure, Care. There’s a lot going on and as much as I want to tell you I can’t and hope you can understand.” “I do. Thanks for letting me in.” “You’re welcome.” Now something inside me is telling me Mason is keeping something hidden. Even if he is I can’t hold him at fault. I can’t blame him for holding information from me. As much as I want to push him and make him tell me I can’t. Being an officer means protecting and serving. He’s protecting the privacy of the cases and victims. He’s protecting this community and he’s protecting me. When we finish dinner and dessert, Mason pays for the check and talks to Stephanie for a few moments before we leave. “I can’t wait to get home and relax with you.” Mason smiles and I realize we’re not going home. “Where else are we going?” “You’ll see.” Watching him drive and where he’s going I notice we’re on highway 490 and heading to Victor.

Mason’s hand rests on my thigh again and the anticipation of what’ll happen builds inside me. “Patience, baby.” “Okay.” “I need you to close your eyes and promise you won’t look. I’m trusting you. If you look then everything will be ruined and you’ll go back home and I’ll drive to my parents’ house. Understood?” “Yes.” “Good. Now close your eyes.” I close my eyes and just enjoy the feel of the ride and after about ten minutes the car comes to a stop. I hear Mason’s door open and soon mine is too. “Take my hand, Care.” “Okay.” Taking his hand I feel his other hand on the small part of my back. “You still can’t tell me where we are?” “No not yet. Almost there.” There’s noise around me and then I hear a ding like an elevator. I think we’re at a hotel. Hotel? HOTEL! Hotel. Just the two of us. Hotel. Just the two of us and we’ll be alone. Hotel. Being alone means sex. He expects sex. “Calm down,” he whispers in my ear and places a soft silky blindfold over my eyes. “You’re smart I know you know where we are and I know your discomfort. Don’t worry, okay?” “Okay.” His hands rest on my shoulders and it’s soft, sensual and all Mason. . “Just feel me, Care. Feel me around you. Feel me touching you, whispering in your ear, and how I feel about you.” He pauses, lightly touching my shoulders, running his hands down my arms and back up. “Do you feel it?” “Yes,” I shakily answer. “I feel you.” The ding sounds and Mason guides me out. We take a few steps and stop. Mason does something and soon he’s guiding me again into a dark room. Light emerges and I turn around waiting for the blindfold to come off. “Okay, okay,” he laughs and when the blindfold releases there are rose petals all over the hotel room floor and music lightly playing. The room is romantic, sensual and a piece of Heaven. “Mason,” I gasp. “What’d you do?” Turning around again I head to the bathroom where the music is coming from and see two champagne glasses and chocolates on the sink counter. The tub is full with bubbles and when I look back, Mason’s leaning against the door frame with a smile on his face.

“Take a bath. I’ll be back in to wash your back and we’ll share some champagne. Sound good?” “You’re not going to take a bath with me?” “No, Care. It’s all about you tonight.” I nod because words don’t exist. I watch as Mason leaves and I’m not sure what to do. Tonight’s all about me. Standing in front of the mirror I pinch my face to make sure I’m not dreaming and slowly take a breath in and let my breath out. “Tonight’s all about me,” I repeat a few times before taking off my dress, bra and panties. Standing before the mirror naked I take a few more breaths before climbing into the warm tub and sinking in. The warm water feels nice on my body and for a moment I let go . . . just let go. “You look relaxed,” Mason says as he walks in wearing the same clothes as he did to dinner. “Turn around so your back is facing me.” “Okay.” I do as he says and feel Mason’s strong hands warm on my shoulders. The smell of lavender fills my senses and I place my head down and indulge in the massage he’s giving me. Rolling my head from right to left, a little moan escapes me and Mason’s grip gets a little stronger. I smile and lean more into his touch. “Lean your head back and keep your eyes closed.” I do just that and Mason plays with my hair, working his way to my scalp and massages my head. “Wow. You’re so good.” I hear him laugh and he massages more. “I told you tonight’s all about you, baby. My mission is to make sure you’re completely comfortable and I’m giving you everything you need.” “Just you being here is what I need. Everything you’re doing is a bonus.” “Good to know, but I still want this night to be perfect for you.” After Mason’s done massaging my body, he helps me up from the tub and wraps a towel around my body. He looks at me, but not like a horny teenager. He looks at me with admiration and tenderness. He’s studying me and getting to know me. Grabbing the champagne glasses we head out and Mason guides me to the bed. “Cheers to a great night.” “Cheers.” Drinking the smooth champagne, while still in my towel, I get on my knees and place one hand on Mason’s knee. “Thank you for tonight. I appreciate it.” “I know you do.”





“So how was your date?” Tonya smiles and drinks her lemonade. “Not expected,” I tell her. “No sex, just cuddling and him taking care of me.” Playing with the necklace Mason gave me I rest a little easier and smile remembering waking up and seeing him watch me. The moment I felt the necklace I saw the smile on his face-his happy and sweet smile. “Wait? What?” “Yeah, I know. Trust me. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. We shared some kisses, I mean hot kisses, but nothing else. It was like I don’t know. Maybe he was scared or something.” “Mason Ryan? Scared? No I don’t think so. Did you seduce him or anything?” “Not really,” I answer and drink the rest of my lemonade before pouring more. “Have you guys talked about it?” “No. He dropped me off and is doing a double shift so I won’t be able to talk to him until tomorrow morning. I don’t know, Tonya!” I play last night in my head and I can’t figure out what’s going on. Maybe Mason’s respecting my space and understands having sex is a big step. If so then I guess I can’t be upset or anything. I appreciate his concern for me and love how he puts me first. “Talk to him. But I gotta get going.” Tonya gets up and kisses the top of my head before leaving. “PS, I love that necklace.” She winks and lets herself out. I don’t have much planned so instead of staying home and thinking I head to the one place I know will keep me busy . . . Target. Parking my car I head inside with a cart and aimlessly walk around to see if I need anything or want anything. This place is called Target for a reason. It’s the place you can spend hours in and not realize what’s going on. This store is like an unhealthy habit you can’t get rid of. It lures you in and whispers buy me. Touch me. Want me. It’s a place you can go and plan on buying something small and walk out with a cart full of stuff. I walk through the cleaning aisle and nothing catches my eye. There are enough cleaning products to last me all year. Then I head to the appliance aisle and see a few things I can possibly use: new Keurig machine, crockpot, rice steamer and a blender. This isn’t just an ordinary blender, it’s a Ninja and I remind myself to go onto Pinterest to look up smoothie ideas. Placing each item in my cart I feel my phone

vibrate in my purse. Tonya: Gym tomorrow morning? Me: Actually yes. I’m buying a Ninja and gonna make yummy smoothies! Tonya: With alcohol? Me: Seriously? Tonya: Do not judge me. Me: Of course not. ;) Tonya: Judger McGee! Me: LOL you’re a trip. Tonya: But you love me. <3 Me: I do. <3

I stay near the home goods area for a while and before I know it my cart is full of the appliances, new curtains, throw pillows, bed sheets, a comforter, blanket, pillow cases and some decorative pieces that will make the house look brighter. I’m about to check out when I notice decorative wine glasses that are calling my name. Caroline come check us out and buy us. Bring us into your home and sip on us. Doooooo ittttttttt. The staff at Target are so sweet and help me load my purchases into my SUV. Deciding I need to go home now I pull into my driveway and to my surprise Mason’s getting out of his squad car. “Hey.” I smile and open my trunk. “Patrolling?” “Had to check on a disturbance, but it was nothing.” He smiles back and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me in for a quick kiss on my lips and the tip of my nose. “Went shopping?” “Target is the devil! I need to file a complaint, officer.” “Well, Miss, from what I can see Target won and it looks like there’s no evidence of a struggle.” I sigh. “Target always wins. Help me?” “Of course,” he laughs. We get everything into the house and I know he has to head back out to patrol. Going to the fridge I whip up some turkey sandwiches, grab two apples, two bananas, and granola bars. Placing the food in a brown baggie I hand it to Mason. “Wow my own lunch bag!” He jokes and takes it from me. “These better be chocolate chip granola bars.” “Yep!” “Woman you’re the best.” He leans over and kisses me before walking out the door. “Stay safe,” I whisper and then proceed to keep myself busy by redecorating my house.

Before heading home, Scott and I meet at his house and go over some things he found. To say I’m pissed and agitated is sugar coating how I feel. Looking through some documents and listening to what he’s recorded I slump on the chair and toss the CD on his desk. “This doesn’t show anything, man. There’s nothing here.”

“Think about it,” he tells me and paces the room. “Something’s going on. We can never get Javier and Devin’s acting weird. He’s a good cop and never makes mistakes, but you got to admit something’s wrong with him. That shooting and him killing Rico isn’t sitting right with me.” “Devin? Man I don’t know. I’ve known him for a while and he’s a straight shooter. Completely devastated over Evan’s death and hoping Caroline would forgive him. I think maybe we’re looking at something that isn’t there.” “You really think that? In your heart you think we’re wrong?” I nod and Scott sighs. “Something isn’t right.” “I think we need to lay low. These are our partners and our department. Nothing’s going on, Scott. I think maybe we want something to happen and that’s why we’re going a little crazy.” “Whatever you say, man.” Walking out of Scott’s house I see Devin pulling in and wait for him to get out. We’ve all been working crazy hours. I’m surprised to see him here. “Hey, man,” I say and take a seat on the porch chair. I hear Scott come out and he sits down too. “What’s up?” “Nothing.” Devin walks to us and leans on the railing. “Just couldn’t sleep and I figured someone would be up,” he laughs and turns to me. “Man, I’m sorry about giving you shit about Caroline. Really I am. I know you’re a good man and will treat her right.” “Thank you, brother. I appreciate that.” “So now that we got that girly shit out of the way I think it’s about time I let you guys in on what I’ve been working on.” This piques my interest and I’m ready to hear whatever he has to say. I know Devin and I know he’s a hard working officer. “Someone who was in the witness protection program is back. Now I’ve had a few sources tell me this, but I’m lost, guys. Clarke’s in over his head with this Javier shit and my informant knows nothing. He’s asking around too, but it’s like this person is a ghost. I have to find her.” “Her?” Scott states. “Her who?” “Take one guess.”





“So,” Tonya starts when we get into her car to head to the gym. “Yes?” “Any new developments?” she annoyingly asks. “Nothing.” “How? What? Why?” “We’re comfortable. Things are comfortable and I don’t want to push it. Plus,” I pause and close my eyes, “his one year is coming up,” I quietly say. “I know,” Tonya responds while patting my hand. “It’ll be okay. Everything will be okay. We’re going to go to the school, meet with Walker, get you all situated and then we’ll head to the gym and work out.” “Why do you think everything sounds so easy, Tonya?” I explode and turn to scream some more. “You think I can just make things happen with Mason and then I can just get back into teaching? I’ve missed so much. I’ve put my life on pause and I want to slowly get back into things, but you keep pushing and pushing. I get what you’re doing and I appreciate it. I just need you to stop pushing. In a few weeks I’m going to have to relive the worst day of my life, so no, of course there are no new developments between Mason and me! God!” I slam back into the seat and let out a whimper. “Let me take this slow okay? “Caroline,” her voice softens and she looks at me. “I know, sweetie, and I get it. I want you to be happy and I want you to never be in that slump again. You’re doing so well and we both know it’s because of Mason. He’s your rock and that’s wonderful. It’s okay to take things slow, but I want you to know how proud I am of you. You’re taking control of your life again and as your best friend that means the world to me. You’re getting stronger, babe.” “I am becoming stronger and yes there are still times of guilt, but I know I’m doing the right thing. Evan wants me to be happy again so I am.” “Good, babe.” “Yeah.” And it’s all out there. I’m happy again and I’m strong enough to see my own strength. I’m going to do this. I’m living and no more looking back. “Listen to your heart, Caroline. Do what you feel is right.”

“I know,” I whisper and deep down I know what I want. “Then if you know, do it, babe. You’re going to start taking control of your life and I’m going to cheer you on. We all love you and want the best for you. Whatever you decide, whenever you decide to do it, make sure it’s on your time. I’m here to guide you and show you that you’re so strong and can get over almost anything. You’re better than this grumpy pants attitude. You are Caroline Spencer and you kick ass.” I listen to each word from Tonya and believe in what she’s telling me. It’s not like I want to be miserable or scared my whole life. When you lose someone you love you’re careful about how you go about your life. Your decisions are carefully thought out and you don’t just go on a whim. Sometimes it’s easier to stay in the dark so the demons don’t come out and grab you again. But, what kind of life is that? What kind of life is playing house with Mason when I can truly be with him heart, body and soul? He’ll tire of this and move on. “Let me add,” she says with a smirk, “sex and Mason are like desserts.” “What?” I burst out laughing. “Now listen to me. Sex and Mason are like desserts. There are many sides of Mason and sex consists of different positions all of this like dessert. You see a dessert case and there’s everything from fruit tarts to red velvet cake to brownies.” “I’m getting hungry now, thanks.” “Oh shut up,” Tonya laughs and continues with her ridiculous explanation. “These two things go hand in hand. So you can take your time and look at these yummy desserts the way you look at Mason and sex and then when you’re ready you’ll pick the best most delicious dessert and boom, you and Mason will be having boom boom time.” “I can’t even with you.” I laugh and wipe my tears from laughing so hard. “You’re too much.” “Dessert equals Mason and sex. Remember, variety and different tastes!” “Okay enough of this let’s go kill it at the gym!” The next day I try my best to not think about how sore I am and whispering for Tonya’s death. Bending over to pick up a rag I almost start crying because my legs are sore from the damn squats we did. I hear her stupid little voice in my head and I want to slowly walk over to her house and punch her in the face. “Come on, Caroline, get lower! Squats equal strength and a bigger booty, so get down!” “No! You aren’t doing it right! Here, watch me.” Ugh. I don’t understand the point of working out when you’re already fine with how you look. According to Tonya it’s not just being healthy physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. To me, working out means dying and not being able to feel your body for a few days. My phone vibrates on the counter and when I look at the name my heart stops. Guilt washes over me and I curse myself for ignoring the family I’ve known for so long. They didn’t do anything wrong and tried their best to be there for me. Like the asshole I am I pushed them away and refused to see either of them. Christian: Hey. I know it’s been a while and I know you probably don’t want to talk or anything. Mom’s wondering if you want to join us for dinner tonight. It’s Dad’s birthday and we’d love to see you, Caroline.

I read the text message over and over again. Every year for Rick’s birthday, Evan, Christian and I take the family to Hedges for dinner. It’s been a tradition since Evan and I started dating and the Reeds took me in as their own.

Needing my mother’s help, I call her and pour myself a glass of wine. Luckily she doesn’t live too far and I can see them whenever, but I’ve been an asshole and neglecting the people who love me. “Hi, honey,” my mom’s gentle voice comes on the line. “Hi, Mom. Can you come over?” “Caroline, are you okay?” “Yes,” I answer her. “I’m okay, I think. Just need your advice.” “Okay, honey, I’m on my way over.” Disconnecting the call I head upstairs to take a quick shower and change into shorts and a loose shirt. Putting on some light makeup I fluff my hair and pinch my cheeks so I don’t look so pale. I know my mom’s going to comment on how I look and ask if I’m eating well. She’s a mom. She’s my mom and she cares about me. Hearing the door open I finish pouring her a glass of red wine and smile when my mom walks into the kitchen. She sets down her purse, sits on the barstool and takes her glass. After taking a slow sip she just looks at me and I start drinking my wine and playing with my glass as something to occupy myself with. I hate when she’s quiet and just looks at me. It’s creepy. “Something’s bothering you,” she says. “Something happened and you’re confused.” “Mom, you’re not a psychic.” “Your energy is lost.” “Or a healer! Can you please be my mom for two seconds?” “Okay.” She smiles and takes my hand. “What’s going on?” I explain to her about Christian and not seeing the Reeds since Evan’s death. She listens and nods her head and I know her mind is going up and down trying to figure out what to tell me. I know I shouldn’t ignore them, but they’re a piece of Evan I can’t bring myself to be part of. It’s strange and really bitchy of me. When I see Rick or Christian I immediately see Evan. He’s a spitting image of his dad and Christian acts the same as his brother. Then I see Mary and I want to fall apart. Evan was her baby and he was their miracle. After Christian was born, Rick and Mary were told they couldn’t have any more kids because it was likely she’d miscarry. Evan wasn’t planned or thought about. One night after some glasses of wine and romance, three months later, Mary found out she was pregnant and since she was categorized as high risk, her appointments with the OB GYN were frequent and scary from what she told me. Every week she and Rick were at the office, looking at the ultrasounds and getting tests done. Mary was on bed rest at twentyfive weeks until she gave birth at thirty-three weeks. Evan was in the NICU for a few weeks because he was having trouble breathing on his own, and Mary was there with him every single day. When Evan died it was as though a piece of Mary went with him. As much as she loved both of her sons, losing Evan was what broke her. I never understood her grief because I’ve never lost a child. I thought losing my husband was unbearable, but seeing Mary, and the light gone from her eyes was honestly too much and I had to stay away. Combined with seeing Rick and Christian it wasn’t good for me to see the Reeds: the family I grew to love and adore. “I don’t know what to do, Mom.” “I think,” she pauses and carefully thinks about her response. “You need to go. That family is like yours. Even though Evan’s gone you can’t shut yourself away from the world. Now I know you’re doing

much better and I have Mason and Tonya to thank for that because, baby girl, you’re scaring me. I’ve given you time to be on your own because you’re an adult and waited for that phone call asking for help, so here I am and I am telling you that you need to go and bring light back into their lives.” Without saying a word I give my mom a hug and silently thank her. There’s nothing I can say in response to her words. She’s right. For months I was a zombie and I shut out everyone near and dear to me. I’m supposed to be living my life. This is what Evan wants.



Mason: I can leave work and meet you guys. Me: No. It’s okay. Honestly, I need to do this and be part of their lives. Mason: I’m proud of you, baby. You’re doing a great thing. Me: Thanks. I’ll see you in a few hours. Mason: Sounds good.

Putting my phone on silent and in my purse I walk into Hedges and find Christian at the bar wearing fitted gray pants and a white button down. He looks up and gives me a wave and smile. “Hi.” I smile and lean into him for a hug. He pulls me in close and kisses the side of my head. “So good to see you. How’s everything going?” “It’s going,” I whisper. “Day by day, you know?” “I know.” He places his arm around my shoulders and we walk to the table to find Mary and Rick waiting. Their smiles brighten up the room and we share hugs and pleasantries before sitting down. I fill them in on as much as I can, telling them about Mason and trying to figure things out for myself. “That’s wonderful news, Caroline.” Mary smiles and places her hand on mine. “I know it’s been a very difficult time for you.” I silently nod. “Please don’t think you can’t come to us.” “I just don’t want to bring you any more pain or sadness. I remind you too much of Evan.” “No,” Rick tells me. “You are part of us, Caroline. You were Evan’s love and wife. We love you like our own. Don’t ever think for one second we blame you or will be sad around you. Truth be told we’ve been sad because we feel like we lost you.” “And I’m sorry about that. That wasn’t my intention at all. It’s so hard to go through the day and night. I have Tonya and Mason and things are going well.” “Mason.” Mary smiles. “Now how is he doing?” “Really well.” I smile and tell them more about what he’s been up to, but leave out whatever’s going on between us. They don’t need to know. After ordering our food we get into more comfortable conversations and Christian leads it by telling us about going back to school for his PhD in Political Science. Mary and Rick want to travel more and we talk about different places that would be good to visit. When our food comes the conversation becomes more lively and I realize I’ve been wrong about

them. Yes they’re sad, but they’re moving on just like I am. It hits me that I can’t ignore Evan and his memories. I’ll need to do more and be more. The night comes to an end and we say our goodbyes. Mary tells me not to be a stranger and Rick winks at me. “Whatever you need please don’t be scared to let me know,” Christian says. “I’m always here for you.” “Thanks Christian. That means a lot.” “Good.” Christian walks me to my car and I notice it’s still a little early, so I go to Wegmans to pick up food and energy drinks for Mason. He’s working so much and I know he’ll appreciate this. Driving to the station I walk in and see Devin and Mason looking through stacks of papers. They look busy and I hate that I’m here bothering him. Just as I’m about to leave I hear Devin say my name. Turning around I see Mason’s smile as he gets up to come to me. “How was dinner?” “Good. Really good. I thought you’d be hungry so I got you some things. A lot of it is cold because prepared was closed down, but it all looks good. I would’ve ordered you something to go from Hedges, but Rick paid and I didn’t want to ask. Sorry I couldn’t bring you something fresh.” “Baby,” he smiles, “this is enough. Thank you for doing this.” “You’re welcome. I know you’re busy so I’ll get out of your way.” “I’m sorry, I wish I could give you more time. I’ll see you in the morning okay?” “Okay.” I wait for Mason to do something, but he doesn’t. Instead he gives my hand a squeeze and walks me to my car. When I’m home and walking through the garage door I hear my phone and see that it’s Mason. Mason: I’m sorry. I wanted to kiss you, but didn’t know how comfortable you’d be.

A sigh of relief leaves me and I shake my head. Of course he’s thinking about me. He’s always thinking about me. Me: It’s okay. Really, I’m fine. =) Mason: Okay good. I miss you. Me: I miss you too.

Waking up slowly so Mason doesn’t get interrupted from his sleep I get ready and quietly leave the room. I need to visit Evan’s grave and talk to him. I need to see him and feel him. It’s been a while since I’ve felt him near me and maybe that’s a sign-a good sign. Driving to the cemetery I walk the short distance and set down the bouquet of flowers and notice his grave looks clean as if someone’s been here. I don’t think too much about it. Christian and his parents are often here. “Hey, Evan,” I whisper and lean in to kiss his tombstone. “So I know it’s been a while and I’m sorry it’s taken me this long. It’s almost been a year since you left us. How’s Heaven? Are you watching over me? Watching over your family and friends?” I smile thinking about how at peace Evan must be and that gives me a peace of mind that he’s okay. I talk a little more and feel comfortable about what I’m saying. “I’m sure you know about Mason and me. I hope that’s okay. I hope you’ll like my choice. It wasn’t intentional at all so please don’t think I liked him before. It just happened.”

An hour goes by when I kiss his tombstone again and whisper that I love him. Turning around I’m startled by the woman standing before me. “Can I help you?” “You’re Caroline.” “Yes,” I slowly say. “And you are?” “You don’t know me,” the mystery woman says, “and I hate that we’re meeting like this.” “Okay . . . I’m sorry I don’t mean to be rude, but how do you know me?” Before she can answer I notice the picture she’s holding in her hand and cock my head to get a better view. “How do you know me?” I slowly ask again with gritted teeth and slow anger. I’m seeing things. She notices me looking at the picture and hands it to me. “Evan and I were together.” Taking the picture from her hands I see them together. They’re smiling and clearly so in love. He’s holding her from behind and kissing her cheek. The picture shows snow and they’re bundled up nice and warm. “What is this? Who are you?” Taking a closer look at the picture I notice a very noticeable bump. “Who. .are. .you?” “I’m Alisha and Evan and I met in California.” California? His bachelor party? “We met a club and hooked up, then after we started talking more I went to visit him. I didn’t know about you or that you two were getting married until I was seven months pregnant and he told me the truth. He broke it off which caused me to go into premature labor and our baby was in the NICU for two months,” she starts to tell me and I have the sudden urge to punch her in the face and yell at her for lying, but what she’s telling me isn’t making me feel angry or violent. “He came out to California to visit our daughter, Lila, a few times, but he always left.” “Evan came to see you and his daughter?” “Yes.” All the times he left for the weekend for golf or a sporting event and I never questioned it. I never thought anything of it. Here I am, at my husband’s grave, listening to his mistress tell me about their love child and his infidelity. “I heard you talking about Mason. How is he?” “You know Mason?” I seethe and stare at her. Now the violence and anger quickly come back to the surface. “How?” “Mason he ah came up one time and left as soon as he saw Lila. I only met him briefly. I know they were best friends. Now you guys are together?” “That’s none of your business. How dare you come to me about this? This. .I mean you’re telling me my husband cheated on me with you and you two have a baby together? And now you live here in Webster? Why?” “I moved for a job, a month before he died, and he never knew. I tried getting back with him,” she cried and I almost want to laugh at her sadness. “He dismissed me and gave me money every month for Lila. She’ll never know her dad.” “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you’re my only connection to Evan and Mason. If you could please take me to see Mason I would appreciate that.” “Why the hell. .” I stop before I can finish. Mason’s been holding this secret for Evan and never once thought about telling me. He never once thought I’d want to know my asshole husband was cheating and has a baby. “You know what?” I smile sweetly. “Follow me.” Leaving the cemetery I vow to never come back and see his name. Evan’s lucky he’s gone because if he were alive I’d kill him myself. We’d been together since high school. All through high school and college. I helped him get through his tests and helped him graduate. Everything we shared is tainted and disgusting. How could he do this to us? Alisha follows me to my house and my hands grip the steering wheel a little tighter. I’m going to kill Mason Ryan. “Follow me,” I tell Alisha when we get to my house. Opening the front door I hear Mason in the kitchen and pray there are no sharp items around him because I’ll intend on using it to stab the ever loving shit out of him. “Mason!” “Yeah, baby?” “I’m home and I brought someone.” “Oh yeah?” He walks out of the kitchen and stops dead in his tracks when he sees Alisha. “What the fuck?” “Hey, Mason.”





“Hey, Mason.” My worst nightmare is coming true. Everything Heather told me is true and here she is standing in front of us. The secret I’ve been holding to keep her safe is falling apart. Alisha isn’t supposed to be here. She’s not supposed to know Caroline or know anything about her. I made sure of it. “What the fuck are you doing, Amber? Is that why you’ve ignored me?” I growl. “You had the nerve to come here and then move?” She walks closer to me and my eyes dart to Caroline who is standing there with anger shooting from hers and her hands are crossed tightly over her chest. Fuck. “I told her the truth. Don’t call me Amber anymore. I needed to see you. Please let me explain.” “Fuck, I can’t. Alisha, you fucking know better. We had a deal. You knew what you had to do and you knew what was at risk if you didn’t follow the rules. No wonder Devin’s been fucking losing his mind.” “Devin,” she huffs and turns around. I see how rigid and shaky her body is. “Devin’s a piece of shit.” “A deal? Devin?” Caroline screeches. “What deal, Mason? Can someone fucking tell me what’s going on? Why is Devin involved? What the hell is going on?” “Caroline, please,” I beg her. “Give me a moment and I’ll explain everything.” I turn back to Alisha, “Why are you here?” “I needed to bring Lila here. I need her to be safe. There’s a lot going on right now, Mason. No one is safe anymore.” “What the hell are you talking about?” “They know I’m still alive, Mason. I thought I was safe. I made up a story and thought everything would work out. I thought everything would be okay. I messed up all right?” She cries and hugs her body. “I messed up and now I need to make it right. Don’t you get it?” “How? All the papers were forged and we did everything right to get you into protection, Alisha.” “Money talks,” she whispers and looks away. “I need you to promise me if anything happens you’ll look after her,” she cries. “Please Mason. She doesn’t have anyone and I can’t keep her safe anymore.” “Alisha give me a minute.” Turning around, my back’s facing Caroline and Alisha because I can’t face either of them. When your whole world comes crashing down, everyone you wanted to keep safe is now in danger, and people you

never wanted to see again show up without a warning. “Please Mason.” Before I can say anything shots are fired and bullets come flying. “Get down,” I shout and dive for Caroline to protect her. “Mason,” she screams. “What’s going on? Mason!” I take her face into my hands and kiss her. “Stay down, baby.” “Mason?” Her voice shakes and I kiss her again before grabbing my gun and rushing outside to see if I can get any visuals. The car gets away before I can shoot or get the license plate number. Standing in the middle of the street I look around again and try to find something I need to get those mother fuckers. “Fuck!” I yell and call for back up. “Mason!” I hear Caroline scream and rush inside to find Alisha in a pool of blood. “Is she?” Bending down on my knee I try to find a pulse and get nothing. “Fuck,” I mutter and grab her purse to look for anything to help me with the case I’m trying to solve. Inside there’s an envelope and I quickly put it in my jeans when I hear sirens. “Baby.” I take Caroline and carry her to the barstool. “Stay here, okay?” She frantically nods and I make my way outside to deal with the shitstorm brewing. Squad cars and an ambulance surround the house as I keep Caroline in my view to make sure she’s not going to up and run away. I tell the other officers what I witnessed and text Clarke to let him know what’s going on. Everyone’s doing their investigation and my mind can’t be clear. All I’m thinking about is Caroline and keeping her safe. Doing everything I can to assist I finally get the okay to leave. Before doing so I head upstairs and grab anything she might need. There’s no way she’s coming back to this house, not after finding out about Evan and Alisha’s death. Getting everything I need I quickly head downstairs and let the officers know if they need to question Caroline to let me know. When I stand before her she’s shaking and her head’s down. The EMTs check her out and everything’s fine. Since Caroline saw everything I did there was no reason to keep her for long or bring her to the hospital. “I need to get some stuff done. Can I take you to Tonya’s?” “Yeah. That’s fine. Are those my things?” She points to the duffle bag I have in my hand. “So that’s it then? I can’t come back to my house.” “It’ll be taped off for a while. We can get everything you need just let me know. I grabbed some outfits and things you’ll need. Do you want to go upstairs and grab anything else?” Caroline shakes her head and puts her hand in mine. When I get her in the car and get in the driver side I look over and her eyes are closed. Fuck I don’t know what’s going through her head. Walking into the station after dropping off a pissed off and scared Caroline with Tonya I’m ready to punch a wall and knock out some people. “Does anyone want to fucking tell me what’s going on?” Devin looks up and shakes his head. “I told you she was here! Now she’s dead and the gang’s making moves.” “What was the point in keeping her away?” “She never informed them she felt she was caught. There are no updates so how the fuck are we supposed to know what’s going on. Not much we can do on our end and the PD in California is swamped. If Alisha can’t listen to simple instructions there’s not much we can do. I asked for your help and now

we’re fucked.” I slam my fists on my desk and slump down in my chair. “This is bullshit. She’s dead and there aren’t any clues. What’s Mike saying?” “Nothing, man,” Devin responds and Scott walks in. “Don’t do that,” he barks. “Not now, Scott,” Devin yells back. “Okay ladies what the fuck is going on and someone better talk.” I look at both of them and no one says anything. “Seriously come on. We all talked about this and we worked our asses off. What the fuck is going on between the two of you?” “Nothing, Ryan. Scott’s fucking lost his mind. Too much drinking, huh? You drunk right now, buddy?” Devin snarls and Scott gets in his face. “I know what you did, you fucker. I know!” he screams and heads outside. I look at Devin and we follow him out, but it’s too late. “Drop the knife!” I hear Devin scream and look to see someone in a mask stab Scott and run off. Without thinking, I chase him down. “Stop right now!” I yell, but the asshole goes faster and makes a sharp turn. I’m on him until we cross the street and I’m hit by a car. “Fuck!” I cry. I attempt to get back on my feet quickly only to see the car getting away. Taking out my gun I try to get a clear shot, but there are too many civilians around. “Fuck.”

I need to get Caroline safe. I need to get her out of Tonya’s house and keep her away from all this shit. Not needing to deal with anyone telling me to go to the hospital and get checked out I text Clarke and tell him I’m on my way. As soon as I get to Clarke’s, Caroline rushes out and jumps in my arms. “Mason,” she cries. “You’re okay. I was so scared. Clarke told me everything.” “I’m okay, baby. But get your things. We need to go to my parents’ house.” “Okay.” She slowly lets me go and slides off me. “Everything’s changing huh?” “Yes, baby. Everything’s changing.” I wait outside when Clarke comes out and I see the distress on his face. We talk about what happened and what internal affairs is doing. “It’s a fucking mess, Clarke,” I tell him. “Scott’s in the department spewing shit about Devin and then gets stabbed and I get hit by a car? What the fuck’s going on?” “No idea. Have you talked to Mike? Devin’s informant?” “No.” I shake my head. “I haven’t talked to him in a while. Why? What’s going on?” “Honestly I don’t know,” Clarke answers and rubs his face with tension and frustration. “We got to find out what the fuck’s going on or else more lives are going to be threatened.” “I know, Chief. I’ll try and talk to Devin. When I left the station he was talking to IAB since I gave them my statement already.”

“Be safe out there and let me know if you hear anything.”





After almost fifty hours going through notes, interviews and talking with Clarke and Devin I finally get back to my parents’ house and find Caroline curled on my bed holding my sweater. Sitting down on the edge of the bed next to her I lean down and kiss the top of her head. “Mason?” she mutters and her eyes slowly flutter open. “You’re okay.” “I’m okay,” I tell her and watch as she slides up to a sitting position. “I’m sorry I kept Alisha and Lila a secret. There’s a lot going on with them and none of it is good.” “Am I in danger?” I rub my face and look down. Fuck, I don’t want to have this conversation with her. “To be honest I don’t know. Alisha was safe in California, but when people got wind she was in town they took action.” “People?” “Do you remember when Rico was killed?” Caroline nods her head. “Before that when Evan met Alisha he didn’t realize her connection with Rico and when she got pregnant that caused a lot of shit. We did everything to hide the pregnancy and the week she was due I flew out to California and with help we delivered Lila. No hospitals or doctors. Anyone who knew was under oath not to say anything and to keep Lila out of danger. We made sure Alisha’s death was in the papers and made it real. Everything was real and kept secret. But someone talked and now things are falling apart. The thing is Rico was Alisha’s brother and her betrayal to her family led to her death.” “So Rico’s family is behind all of this?” I nod my head. “What does that mean for me?” “It means I have to keep you safe at all times. You won’t be able to go back to your house and I’m sorry. I can send people there and we can get whatever you need.” Caroline scoffs and shakes her head. “Anything that belongs to Evan you can burn. He’s dead to me. Everything we shared, all the memories, laughs, and shit is for nothing. I can’t believe I cried and mourned over him. And you knew, Mason,” she softly cries. “You knew and didn’t tell me.” “I know.” I caress her face and pray she’ll forgive me. “I know and I’m sorry. I wish I could turn back time and tell you everything. I wish Evan never did that and I wish I never knew the secret, but there’s more.” “More?” “In Alisha’s purse there was an envelope and it was addressed to me. I didn’t read it yet and would like to read it with you if that’s okay.”

“I guess.” “Okay.” Grabbing the letter from my pocket I carefully open it and take out the one page letter.

Mason, If you’re reading this then I’m dead. I knew coming back was going to cost me my life and part of me didn’t care because no matter what, they were going to find me. Thank you for keeping us safe. I wish it didn’t have to come to this and maybe it didn’t. Sometimes bad things happen and we can’t change it. Lila is with a friend of mine. The address is at the bottom. Please don’t put her in foster care. She needs a good home and people who will love her. Please don’t let her find out about Evan and me until she’s old enough to understand. My friend will have a box for you. Use it for Lila and please don’t argue. Before I left California I burned everything belonging to Lila and me. No one knows about her and that’s the way it needs to stay . . . forever. She’ll never know the evil that surrounds her life. Thank you, Mason, for everything. Alisha

“What are you going to do?” “I don’t know,” I tell her while reading the letter again. “I can’t raise a baby and I can’t ask you to.” “Tonya,” Caroline says. “Tonya will do it. She and Clarke want a baby so badly and I know this will make her happy. There aren’t any records of Lila and no one will have to know.” When we get to Tonya and Clarke’s house and tell them what’s going on, Tonya eagerly takes the baby and Clarke stays behind. He watches them and then me. “This is illegal and bullshit,” I mutter. Shaking my head I get up and go to the window. Alisha and Evan are dead. Lila’s an innocent baby with no one to care for her and I can’t ask Caroline to raise her cheating husband’s child. It’s wrong on every level. Everything in my body is screaming to go through the right channels, but then there’s that small part of me, the part Caroline created, that’s telling me I have to do what Alisha wants. “So let me get this straight,” Clarke stands up and paces his living room. “Evan met Alisha who is Rico’s sister who is also Javier’s sister, the man we’ve been trying to arrest, and now she’s dead and you’re giving us Lila.” “For the most part,” Caroline answers with confidence and strength. “She’s an innocent baby and has no one.” “You’re shitting me, Ryan,” Clarke bellows. “Do you know what you’re doing right now?” “She said no one knows about Lila,” I shout back. “What the hell do you want me to do?” “Oh . . . I don’t know, maybe fucking tell me before any of this shit happens. Damn it, Ryan.” Clarke leaves the room and I fall onto the couch looking at Caroline while Tonya is lovingly carrying Lila. I made the right choice. “Give him time, Mason,” Tonya says. “It’s hard and he’s still feeling what happened to Scott. He’s been through a lot. You both have. But this beautiful girl, she’s a blessing. I’ll talk to him. Can she stay

with us now?” “If that’s what you want. Yes.” “Thank you again.” Tonya smiles and kisses Lila’s cheek. I made the right choice. Leaving Caroline and Tonya to talk I walk into Clarke’s office and shut the door. He looks up then back down at his desk. “Lila’s not a secret,” he mutters. “What?” “Devin’s informant told me Javier knows about Lila. He wants her. You need to give that baby up. She can’t be in my house, Ryan.” “Did you not see the look on your wife’s face? She’s happy. Fucking petition for custody of her. There’s no judge in the world that’ll allow a baby to be with a drug lord. Javier’s bad news.” “They’ve already been playing clean up. Lila’s the last thing they need. Alisha, Evan and Scott are gone. Who’s to say you or Caroline aren’t next and all you can think about is that fucking baby?” “Don’t do that shit. You don’t think I know a hit’s been out for me?” “Then what the fuck are you going to do?” “I’m not running. We have enough evidence to pin Javier and his crew. Why aren’t we moving in?” “There’s not enough to hold him. As soon as he lawyers up we’ve lost. Don’t you get it? My fucking PD has messed up so many times with him. We can’t do that shit again, Ryan.” “I’ll figure it out,” I finally say before leaving and taking Caroline back to my parents’ house. Heading back home, Caroline’s quiet in the car. I give her time to process the day’s events and force myself to keep my hands on the steering wheel. Everything she’s ever known has been taken away from her. “Do you want me to take you to your mom’s house?” “No,” she answers and I let out a quiet sigh. I’d fight to keep her with me, but I want everything she decides to be her choice.





Since Mason’s working so many hours to find out more about Scott’s death and interrogating Javier, now that new evidence is coming up and people are coming in and confessing, I’m staying with Tonya to keep her company and help with Lila. When I look at her I see Evan and as much as I hate him and as much as I regret spending my life with him I can’t have so much hate in my heart forever. The one year anniversary of his death was last week. I visited his grave with Tonya and Lila. We sat there for a while and talked. I held Lila and promised I’d help keep her safe. There was a breeze blowing through and I knew it was Evan telling me he’s sorry. “Do you want to talk about it?” Tonya asks while putting Lila down. “Talk about what?” I don’t look at Tonya and continue knitting a sweater for Lila. Fall is here and winter is around the corner. Winters in Webster can be really bad or mild. Since we’ve had a pretty mild summer I’m thinking this one will be blistering cold and the baby should have nice, warm clothes. Plus, when I knit I don’t turn to anything that will harm my wallet or give me a hangover like shopping or drinking. “Don’t play dumb. And honestly . . . knitting?” “Yes,” I smile and continue, “it’s very relaxing and Lila will look cute in this sweater. See?” I lift up the sweater and see Tonya shaking her head. “Oh, dear, you need a new hobby. So spill it. I know you have a million things on your mind. You didn’t cry at the ceremony and I’m surprised.” “Why?” “Don’t shut me out.” “I’m not,” I sigh. “My husband cheated on me and continued to see this woman and fathered a baby girl. Now my best friend is raising my cheating husband’s baby and I’m supposed to not be upset?” “You’re upset we have Lila?” “No,” I immediately tell her. “No. I am so glad you have her. She’s going to be loved by you and Clarke. It’ll be amazing. How’s the process going to keep her?” “It’s hard,” Tonya sighs. “The judge knows we’ll do a great job, but with Alisha and Evan dead it’s hard to say what she’ll decide.” “Yeah,” I answer. Clarke did what he had to do and got social services involved. Since they couldn’t

find anything wrong with the house or Clarke and Tonya they’re allowing Lila to stay here until a decision has been made. Each hearing breaks Tonya. Javier’s sister, Jayla, is petitioning the courts to keep Lila with her and the family. It’s getting hard to be at each court hearing and seeing the way their family is staring at us. I keep wondering if we really are on their hit list and what’s going to happen. “Things are hard. I’m not trying to lose hope.” “Then don’t.” I encourage Tonya to keep fighting and go with it until the end. “Clarke’s finally coming around so don’t worry. Everything will work out.” “Don’t turn this on me,” she stops me from talking and goes on. “I don’t want you to close up.” “I’m not,” I sigh again. “Really. I’m processing this as much as I can. I’m glad I know and I can really truly move on with my life. I have so much to look forward to. Walker’s extending my start date and keeps telling me to take my time so I’ll be teaching again in January and now I can really give myself to Mason.” “Have you guys talked?” “We do and he’s been open and honest about almost everything as much as he can be. I know he’s pretty stressed out about what happened to Scott and Devin’s tantrum, but I think I can handle it. Mason’s extremely safe out there and I have trust in us. I want to give him all of me and never look back. He’s where I need to belong.” “Then make it special,” Tonya smirks. “Show him your dark side.” An idea comes to mind and after Lila wakes up from her nap I get everything I need and have Tonya drop me off. With a text to Mason I get the room ready for my night with him. Lighting the last candle I look around and feel pretty happy with myself. I’ve never done anything romantic or sexual like this. It’s nice to do something for Mason since he’s done so much for me. I want to show him how I feel and how he makes me feel. It’s time to give him what I’ve been dreaming about. Just as I’m checking myself in the mirror the hotel door swings open and Mason stands in the doorway with desire and lust in his eyes. He slowly walks in, closes and locks the door, never taking his hungry eyes off of me. “So I get this cryptic text message from my girlfriend.” He smirks and walks closer to me. “Telling me to meet her at the hotel and to be ready. Do you mean it? You’re ready? Because, baby, as patient as I’ve been I’m about to fucking explode.” Doing my best seductive walk I run my hands over his muscular body and drink him in. His smell, his eyes, the way he holds me, and everything that makes Mason who he is and the man I want to spend my life with. My legs feel weak near him and right now panic is starting to surge because for the first time in over a year I’m giving myself to a man; to a man who loves me and wants me for who I am; to a man who I trust with my life and I want to stop being scared. Right now, in this moment, I feel free. “Baby, do you want me?” I continue touching him, memorizing each muscle, and slowly unbutton his shirt. “I need to hear you. I know what you’re doing,” he says and lifts my face to meet his. “Say it,” he tells me with an authoritative tone. “I need to hear you say the words.” Staring at Mason I understand his need to hear me tell him what I’m feeling. I understand his confusion because after all this time I’m ready. I don’t want him to think this is my way of getting back at Evan or that I’m doing this out of spite. This is the real me with my heart on the line.

“I want you, Mason Ryan. All of you. This isn’t because of Evan or what’s going on. This is because I’ve been waiting until the right moment, until my heart was ready to let you in; all the way in. I want to feel you.” “Do you think about me touching you?” “Yes. All the time.” “How does it feel?” I think about telling him, but instead I come up with something else. “I can explain it, but it’s nowhere near how it’ll feel when you’re actually touching me.” I slow my pace and lower my tone. “Entering me. Claiming me as yours.” Mason pushes me down on the bed and towers over me. “I won’t be gentle, Caroline.” “Then don’t,” I breathe out. “This is what I’ve been waiting for. I can’t promise you anything except you’ll be screaming my name.” With possessive hunger Mason lifts my night gown and smiles when he sees I’m without panties. Slowly spreading my legs, he kisses my inner thigh and softly kisses my wet pussy. “So wet,” he whispers. “So wet for me.” “Just for you.” His mouth claims my pussy with his talented tongue, sucking and kissing my clit. I tremble from his movements and it feels so good. I moan when his tongue licks down my center and when I’m almost there, Mason pulls away and kisses my leg up and down. I whine and moan for more. “Shhh . . . let me enjoy tasting you.” “Mason,” I moan. “I need . . .” “I know what you need.” His mouth is on me again, but this time his tongue is moving fast and he’s sucking harder. “Mason!” I scream and clench his head so he keeps going. “Oh! Ah! Mason!” He bites my clit and gently sucks it bringing my body to a high I’ve never felt. When he slides in two fingers I explode and scream his name. When I open my eyes I see him rolling on a condom eyeing me as he crawls over me and kisses my lips so I can taste myself. “Here’s your chance to change your mind because as soon as I’m in you there’s no turning back.” “Mason, show me I’m yours.”





“Mason, show me I’m yours.” When her perfect lips say those perfect words I know it’s time to make her completely mine. Everything with Caroline has put me in a position of loving her, caring for her, and wanting more with her. With Caroline, she’ll always be more, and always be everything I need. She’s my best friend and I will bend over backwards, cross oceans, and fucking fight anything that gets in my way because from this moment on she’s mine and I’ll keep her forever. “Baby, promise me you’ll tell me to stop if I’m hurting you.” “I will.” She smiles. “Make me yours, Mason.” “You’re mine. You’ll always be mine.” Before I can slide myself into her sweet pussy, Caroline puts her hand on my chest and slowly sits up. “I’m clean and I’m on birth control. As long as you’re clean . . .” “My last physical was seven months ago and I haven’t been with anyone. Are you sure?” “Yes. I’m positive. I want to feel all of you, Mason.” I’m fucking dying. I know she said that she wants to feel me and she’s on birth control, but even if she does get pregnant, I really wouldn’t care. Shit. I’ve never had sex without protection. However, this is Caroline and right now, I’m feeling like I’m on cloud fucking nine. “I don’t want to rush you. Coming here tonight didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean me expecting sex. I can eat your pussy and fucking be the happiest man on this planet. I don’t want to pressure you.” “If I’m not mistaken, I’m the one who booked the hotel and stood in the room wearing nearly nothing. I’m the one seducing you. This is what I want. We’ve waited long enough. Please, Mason. Don’t make me beg.” Taking off the condom, I pull her ass to the edge of the bed and she lies back down. Keeping my eyes on her, I lift her legs, spread her open and with one hand I carefully slide myself in. Holy shit. This is Heaven. I’m in fucking Heaven and there are little Caroline angels smiling at me with beautiful eyes and whispering how hot I am. “Oh, Mason!” Hearing her voice ignites my fire and I pump hard and fast into her. The dirty words coming from her

perfect lips get me going and make me drive into her harder. “Tell me this is what you want.” “It’s everything I want,” she moans. “Oh God. This feels so amazing, Mason. Yes! Right there! Oh shit. I’m going to come. Oh God!” I feel her pussy clenching my cock and, shit, I need to give her another orgasm before I come. Grabbing her hips I lift her up a little higher and, holy fuck, this position feels good. The hotel room fills with her moans and my grunting. Damn, she sounds sexy. Looking at her, she looks back at me moaning as our bodies slap against one another. “What? Oh! Oh! Right there! Mason!” Fuck, is she coming again? I feel my own orgasm building and with a few more pumps we find our release together. Giving her everything and feeling her take what I have to give, coming with me, moaning with me, being part of me, is making me come alive. I’m never going to stop making her feel what I feel. Seeing the flush of her skin I slowly leave her and instantly feel the need to dive into her pussy and claim her as mine again. Gently lifting her up, I head to the bathroom to clean up and get a washcloth so I can do the same for her. Tossing the washcloth to the side I bring her up in my arms and press my lips to her forehead. “Mason,” she whispers. “Yeah, baby?” “No more secrets. I don’t want anything more between us. If you can tell me then do so, but just remember I’m strong because of you.” “Sleep baby. You have me always and I’m never letting you go. I promise if I can tell you what’s going on then I will.” I’m dreaming right now. Damn even in my dreams she feels fucking amazing. The heat of her mouth taking control of my cock and the softness of her hands caressing my balls is making this dream the best dream ever. “Mason,” I hear her whisper. “Wake up.” Slowly opening my eyes and lifting my head, I see her licking my cock with her tongue and, fuck, I’m not dreaming. My eyes don’t leave hers as she closes her eyes and slides her mouth down my shaft. As she comes back up a slurping noise fills the room and holy shit, my girl is dirty. Just as I’m about to come she stops and gets off the bed. “Caroline?” I squeeze out. “Baby?” “Shhh don’t worry.” She winks and goes into her bag. I watch every movement and hear her tell me to close my eyes and be a good boy. I go along with her game and do as she says. Feeling the bed dip, her hands are grabbing mine and then I feel handcuffs and hear the subsequent click. “Baby? Did you handcuff me?” I laugh and open my eyes. “I sure did. I’m going to show you, Mason. I’m going to show you how alive you make me feel. I’m going to show you how hot you make me.” “Then show me how much you want my cock.” She straddles me without hesitation, gripping the headboard and throwing her head back when she slides down on me. When I’m fully inside her she grips the headboard tighter and rides me fast. Rocking

her hips in a sensual rhythm, I pull on the handcuffs and see that damn smirk on her face. “I’m in control,” she moans and grabs her boobs. “God, Mason you feel so good in my pussy.” “Ride me faster, Caroline. You’re not showing me how much you want me and how hot I make you.” With wide eyes and determination, Caroline lets go of the headboard and bends slightly backwards so she’s gripping my legs and riding me. She’s fucking riding the shit out of me. “Fuck, Caroline. Yeah, baby, just like that.” “This is what I need, Mason. I need this so bad.” She grips my legs tighter and continues to moan my name. “Mason. Oh God, Mason.” “Baby, come with me,” I grunt and feel her pussy muscles tighten around my cock before finding my release again. Slowly letting go of my legs she leans down and kisses my lips before sliding off and going to the bathroom. Looking up at the handcuffs, I shake my head. Damn what am I going to do with her? Waking up in a daze, Caroline and I shower and experience another mind blowing love making session. This time I take my time cherishing every inch of her body, making her melt into me, breathing her in, tasting her, memorizing her, and realizing how much I love her. We check out of the hotel and head back to my parents.’ They’re on their yearly trip and won’t be here for a couple weeks so it’s just us and Heather. After everything that’s been going on I inform my parents to stay safe and aware and sit down with Heather to talk as Caroline goes to my room and gets things put away. “You’re shitting me? This is really happening?” I nod and drink my cup of coffee. “It sucks.” “So Alisha’s dead?” I nod my head. “Is there going to be a funeral? Anything?” “She didn’t want one. So we had her cremated and her friend took care of everything else. Tonya and Clarke pretty much have custody of Lila, but I don’t think this war is ever going to be over.” Heather takes my hand and looks at me. “You need to stay safe, Mason. Please, big brother, be safe. This police shit is scary, but this is the scariest case you’ve ever worked on. You have to promise because there will be too many people who’ll miss you including that beautiful woman in your bedroom. You can’t leave her.” “I’m going to promise you I’ll do everything I can to stay alive because you’re right. I can’t leave her or leave you and Mom and Dad.” “Good.” Kissing my sister on top of her head I go back into my bedroom and kneel in front of Caroline. “I have to go to the station and do some work. Heather’s here so stay low and be safe.” “You too, Mase.” Caroline puts her arms around my neck and I slowly breathe her in. “Come back to me.” “I will always come back to you.” Walking into the station I see Clarke and we head into his office. Sitting down I see the stress lines on his face. “What’s going on?” “Tonya and Lila are in a safe place,” he quietly says. “The judge made the decision this morning and

immediately there was a fight in the court room. Tonya found a note in her purse.” Clarke hands me the note and I take a look. Be careful bitch. You won’t have her for long. “What the fuck is this?” “Yeah,” Clarke whispers, “yeah. So I sent them away and I can’t talk to her,” he mutters. “I can’t protect them.” “We’ll get him.” I try to help Clarke and make him feel better. “How? He’s out on bail, Ryan. What plan do you have?” “We get moving. We get Mike involved with wires. We get officers Javier hasn’t seen and move in on them. Lila is their prime target. They won’t stop so let’s go, Clarke.” “Alright, Ryan.”





We get the news we need and head out to take down Javier and his crew. This is a long time coming and I can’t wait to get the asshole who put out a hit on Evan, Alisha and Scott. He’s ruined too many lives and now justice will be served. Staying low, we hear everything we need and gather around Javier’s drug house. Two of our officers went undercover a few days ago and Javier initiated them. His guard’s down and we have enough evidence to put him away for life. There’s commotion everywhere and my team is ready to fight. We’re ready to fucking take down these assholes and put an end to it all. Looking over my shoulder I see Devin and notice his hesitation. He notices me staring and nods his head, signaling everything’s good and we should go in now. Pointing to my gun and to the house we head in, ambushing Javier and his crew, quickly getting men on the ground. Shots are fired and men are screaming. I see one of my officers go down and quickly recover aiming and shooting. When you’re a police officer you have to be quick on your feet. Sometimes you don’t have time to think. You just have to react in that moment and not look back. I’m quick on my feet and don’t stand around to think. Yelling for some of the men I have to get down and stay down I look around and I don’t see Javier anywhere. In a matter of minutes, death fills the room and things are now quiet. When we exit the house, Devin’s got Javier and we’re filling the squad cars with his crew. Officers are coming out of the house on gurneys and some are being treated for minor wounds. It was a good ambush and we did everything by the book. Some of my team is gone unfortunately and several of Javier’s crew is gone. Looking at Devin and then Clarke I notice something, but quickly shake it off. Taking Javier in my squad car with Devin it’s quiet and something’s screaming inside me. “I told you long ago, man, don’t trust nobody,” I hear Javier say from the backseat. “You trust too easily and now you’re going to pay the price. I’m untouchable, baby,” he manically laughs and suddenly everything hits me. I am putting myself in danger so Clarke can be safe to be with Tonya and Lila. My team will be safe, but I’m sitting in the car with two devils. Caroline, I love you.





“Have you heard from Mason?” I ask Heather and sit by their pool, sipping on a glass of wine and looking at my phone again. “It’s been hours,” I whisper. “I know, babe. I know. Everything will be okay.” No one’s answering their phone and I have a feeling in my gut something’s wrong. Going through my contacts, I call Tonya again and her phone goes straight to voicemail. What the hell? “Tonya, what’s going on? I haven’t heard from you all day. Call me back please. I love you.” Disconnecting the call I finish my glass of wine and decide to call Clarke when there’s a knock at the door. “Are you expecting anyone?” I ask Heather. She shakes her head and puts down the glass of wine she’s drinking. “No and Mason has a key. Stay here, okay?” “Okay,” I tell her, watching as she goes back inside, and nervously waiting for her to return. I’m not sure what’s going on and am about to go inside when I hear Heather screaming for me to get out. Dropping my glass, I run and don’t look back. I remember everything Evan trained me with and run as fast as I can. Luckily, I know Mason’s backyard and the woods behind his house like the back of my hand. Just a mile away from his house there’s a secret place. It’s hidden and no one knows about that room except Mason’s family and myself. Mason and Evan built the safe place three years ago and I’ve never had to use it. We’d practice, but never once has it ever been real. Keep running, Caroline. Don’t look back. Keep running. Picking up my speed, I zigzag across the woods hoping to confuse whoever is chasing me. Pushing myself faster and harder I see where I need to go and slow down to see what’s going on. Turning around I see nothing, but I hear movement. It sounds like two people are running towards me. Quietly I walk into the dugout, get into the safe place, and arm the door to lock from the inside. Walking back, I find myself alone and scared. Holding in my emotions I calm myself down and do everything I can to remain calm. I remember what Evan used to say . . . Caroline, if ever you’re in a situation where you can’t get out because you’re not safe you have to always be ahead of trouble. Stay safe, stay smart and don’t ever try to be a hero. You have to stay calm

because one cry or one scream and you’re dead. Do you hear me? Sinking down to the floor, I look around and find a blanket close by. Wrapping the light blanket over my body I close my eyes and steady my breathing. Turning on my mophie charger I look at the percentage and am thankful I’ll have enough battery life to last me until tomorrow if I’m smart. I can’t reach Tonya or Mason and I’m so scared to know what’s going on with Heather. Hearing her scream in my head, I know something horrible happened. Placing my forehead on my knee I quietly say a prayer and pray I’ll be okay. I pray Mason and everyone I love will be okay. Mason, I love you. Slowly opening my eyes, I’m still safe and tucked away. Looking at my phone, I see it’s almost four in the morning. Getting up I find the courage I need to get back out there and figure out what to do next. Checking my phone, I realize I have no reception and mutter a few curse words under my breath. No wonder it’s been quiet since I got in here. Unlocking the door, I slowly go outside into the darkness and look at my surroundings. When I get out of the dugout my phone vibrates in my hand and I look to see it’s Tonya calling. “Where the hell have you been?” I harshly whisper into the phone. “Where are you?” “What?” “I’ve been going crazy looking for you. We all have been. Where the hell are you?” she cries. “I’m safe. So much has happened . . .” “Get to Strong Hospital,” Tonya cries again. “Hurry.” Without thinking, I run back towards Mason’s house. Instead of going through the kitchen to the front door, I run around the side to my car and immediately stop when I see Officer Lawrence getting out of his squad car. I don’t know him very well. He’s new to the department and is quiet for the most part. “Caroline,” he slowly says. “Are you okay?” “Yes,” I tell him. “What’s going on?” “Come on. Get in the car and I’ll drive you to the hospital. We’ve been looking for you for hours. We thought . . .” he pauses and rubs his face. “There’s a lot going on.” “Yeah I heard,” I answer him and close the passenger door. “What’s going on? Can you tell me?” “You don’t want to hear it from me.” “Is Heather? Is she . . .” I see him shake his head as he gets on the road and heads towards the highway. “Oh,” I let out a whimper and cover my face with my hands. Why is this happening to the people I love? “Does Mason know? Did you guys call their parents?” “I know you have a lot of questions. I really don’t think you want to hear it from me,” he quietly says. “We’re almost there.” “No, I do want to hear this from you. You waited for me so please tell me.” Lawrence sighs and grips the steering wheel a little tighter. “When Mason was in the car with Devin and Javier he was ambushed and captured. Clarke put some things together and figured it out, so he got Mike to talk and the DA made a deal with him. They found Mason, and rushed him to the hospital. There

was a shoot-out and Javier’s dead.” “What about Devin?” I ask through gritted teeth. “He’s at the hospital in surgery too. They were coming after you, but when they couldn’t find you and Mason wouldn’t give you up . . . they beat him. He’s in bad shape and has been in surgery for a while. I don’t know the whole extent of his injuries, though.” “Oh no.” I shake my head. “No. Please,” I whimper, “no!” Driving to the hospital something inside me breaks and I know it’s a sign. The break I’m feeling isn’t because I’m scared. My heart’s telling me Mason’s gone and I’ll never get to hold him again. He’ll never get to know what I’m feeling or hear the words I’ve wanted to say.





Looking out the window, I count the stars in the sky and say a prayer. I pray that Mason can hear me and hear my heart. I pray he knows I love him and knows how much he means to me. Without him, there would be no Caroline. I’d be lost without him and every day, every night, every second I’m breathing I’m thankful to have someone like him bless my life. People say life happens in funny ways. There are struggles we have to deal with and struggles we sometimes don’t overcome. We have to find ways to overcome each obstacle and find the strength inside. The thing about Mason Ryan is he puts everyone he loves in front of himself. He put himself in danger getting in the car with Devin and Javier. I told him to keep me in the loop and I’m not mad he kept this from me. Every plan, every ambush, everything cops do is carefully planned out and secret. If civilians or anyone finds out what cops are doing or their plans it could put many more lives in danger. That’s why I can’t be mad at him. I can’t be mad that he puts my needs first and cares for me so much. I’ll never hold a grudge against Mason. He’s a hero, a man who needs to be remembered for everything he’s done. And he’s my love, my life and the man I’ll hold in my heart forever. “Mason,” I whisper, “can you hear me when I talk to you? Do you know how much I love you and think about you?” Staring outside I tuck my legs under my butt and get comfortable. I love this spot, especially at night, because it’s quiet and I get to be by myself so I can think and reflect. “Mason let me know if you can hear me okay?” Wiping a tear from my cheek I close my eyes and hear his voice. I see his smile and remember the love we shared. The only regret I have is neither of us said I love you to one another, but sometimes words aren’t needed. Sometimes we can hear love, feel love and embrace love. That’s Mason and I. We can feel the love surrounding us and don’t need words. Then the woman part of me comes out and rears its ugly head. “Mason, you could have said you love me,” I laugh and wipe more tears. “I wish I could hear you say it. Just once. Just once,” I mutter and close my eyes so I can go back to the place I love. It’s the place where I’m with Mason and there’s no one out to hurt us or cause harm. It’s just us. Us. Us. Us.

It’s been almost four weeks and I can still feel his touch. His touch. His love. His touch. His love. I can feel him all around me and feel his soft kisses on my forehead, neck and tip of my nose. I love when he kisses me on my forehead. To me, those are the best kind of kisses. It’s gentle, sweet and full of love. There’s nothing sexual or naughty. It shows pure love and joy. Kiss me always on the forehead. Kiss me always on the tip of my nose. Kiss me always. Four weeks and I’ll never let go. Four weeks. Four weeks. Four weeks. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin I hold my head up high and walk into hell. I walk into the place which holds demons, monsters, and people who need to burn in hell. I didn’t believe in evil, but knowing the cruelty several of these people have inflicted, this holds the definition of evil and it exists within these walls. Taking my seat behind the glass I pick up the phone and wait for him to say something. “What are you doing here?” He stares at me with darkness and zero ounce of integrity or wholeness. “I’m here to look at you,” I bravely say. “To say I forgive you.” “You what?” “I forgive you, Devin. I don’t want to live my life hating you and wishing death on your soul. You’re getting what you deserve and there’s nothing that can be done. I thank you for pleading guilty and not dragging us through court. You’re doing the right thing.” He looks away from me and rubs his jaw. “Look at me, Devin.” “I can’t, okay?” He sighs. “Hearing you thank me. You’re fucking thanking me, Caroline. I ruined so many lives and you’re thanking me.” “I am. Because of you I’m a lot stronger. Because of you I’ve been through the depths of sadness and made it out. You took so much away from me, but I truly believe in forgiveness and letting go. I’m letting go of my anger towards you because you cannot control me. You will not control me.” “I don’t know what you want me to say, okay?” “And that’s fine,” I tell him. “You don’t have to say anything. Have a good life, Devin, and I hope you can find who you used to be, because honestly,” I pause and really look at him, “you used to be a good man.” Hanging up the phone I give him one more look before getting up from the chair and walking out. The warmth of the sun brightens my soul and when I lift my head to the sky I feel strength and courage that I need-that I’ve been looking for. Everything in life happens for a reason and sometimes we may not know

the reason, but it’s there, and it will be apparent when you’re ready to face it.





So many people surround me. Our family and friends and fellow officers talk and smile because today’s a celebration. Today’s a celebration of bravery, heroism, and conquering the depths of evil. I see so many smiles and my heart grows bigger knowing what today means; knowing people are here for Mason and Evan. Their bravery inspires people and shows their act of courage should be honored. Looking up from putting together food I see Mary coming towards me. She’s holding Lila and her smile is addicting. “How are you holding up, honey?” “I’m okay.” I smile. “It’s been a rough few months, but I’m truly okay.” Two months ago Tonya and I brought Lila to the Reeds and told them everything. Mary cried and Christian held me as Rick looked at pictures of Evan. The family, my family, has been through so much and now they’ll have a piece of Evan to hold on to. “That’s good. Did Tonya tell you? We’re taking Lila for the week to visit my sister and brother-inlaw.” “She did! How exciting is that! She’ll love it.” I look at Lila and hold her tiny little hand. Looking at her brings me peace. Even though Evan did this to me, I have to look at it from another perspective. He’s gone, but a piece of him will remain. Mary and I talk for a few more minutes before Tonya drags me away so we can go outside by the grill. “You’re doing okay?” she asks while holding onto my arm. “Yes,” I laugh. “I don’t know why everyone keeps asking if I’m okay.” “Because, babe. What you went through is so hard to imagine. I’m proud of you though. You held on and stayed so strong.” “It’s the only thing I had,” I explain and smile when I see what’s in front of me. I take a moment and think about the past and the strength I needed to go on. I couldn’t give up, not when Mason was fighting to come back to us. Six months. Six of the longest months I’ve endured. I missed Mason desperately, to the very end of my soul and prayed for him to wake up. I prayed for him to come back to me and hold me like before. I needed to feel safe in his arms. I needed Mason. Each agonizing month passed and there was no improvement. Doctors told me I needed to think about

the next step and I knew that was something I couldn’t do. I felt alone during through months and felt pushed against the wall. At one point I thought about what Mason would have wanted and realized we never talked about what to do if he were ever in a coma. But then I remembered, I knew Mason, and I knew he wouldn’t want to go out like this so I prayed and prayed for him to come back to us . . . to me. The months passed, but on April tenth, just a little past midnight, Mason opened his eyes and opened his mouth. He took my hand, startling me, and said what my heart already knows. I stood by his side with each therapy appointment with his physical therapist and therapist. Mason went through some rough patches, but I was never scared of him. I kept telling myself he went through hell and back and I needed to be patient. There would be nights I found him standing by the window and he wouldn’t say anything. He had trouble sleeping and wouldn’t open up. But, everyday that passed, I cherished the good and bad. I cherished every moment because Mason was back and I wasn’t letting him go. “Why hello future Mrs. Ryan,” I laugh and wrap my arms around his waist as his warmth brings me back to the present. “I love you, baby.” “I love you too.” I lean up and kiss his lips. “I can’t wait for tonight,” he whispers in my ears. “In our new house so we can create new memories. My cheeks turn pink thinking about all the ways Mason can make me moan and the ache between my legs returns. “Are you thinking about this morning in the bathroom?” He kinks his brow. “Oh shut up,” I laugh and slap him on the chest. “That’s a yes,” he laughs with a cocky grin lighting up his face. “You know I can always withhold sex from you, mister.” “But you wouldn’t. I’m still wounded . . . just remember that.” “Uh huh,” I laugh again and kiss him. I’ll never get enough of Mason and the feeling of protection he brings me. “And I’m leaving now. Tonya’s making her special drink and Heather’s giving me the eye.” That night when Devin and Javier broke into Mason’s home, Devin shot Heather and left her for dead. She wasn’t their target. I was. But because they needed me, wanted me, Devin never checked to make sure she was dead and I thank God every day she survived the gunshot wound. “I’m stealing my future sister-in-law.” Heather grins at Mason and drags me away. “Seriously, I know you guys are making up for lost time and everything, but don’t forget about the girls who love you!” “Of course I could never forget you girls!” When the party’s over and the cleaning crew has left, Mason wastes no time in taking my hand and bringing me upstairs. His hand caresses my face, down my arms and then grips my waist. “I love you, Care. I love you so fucking much. I know I was gone for so long and I know I’ve said this a million times, but thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for sticking by my side and loving me through the bad times. This hasn’t been easy for you and I can’t thank you enough for saying yes to being my wife.” “Mason,” I start to say and look into his beautiful eyes. “You have nothing to be thankful for. I was never going to leave your side. You’re my refresh. My life started again when you came back. You gave me reason to believe again. You gave me hope. What you went through. What those two monsters did to

you. It’s okay, I get it. The nightmares are slowing down and you’re sleeping a lot better. No one will hurt you and I will be by your side forever. You’re the one for me and I’ll do anything for you.” Feeling his breath in my hair, my pulse races when his hand grips the material of my dress and slowly he pulls it off and leaves me standing before him in my red strapless bra and panties. He’s studying me, memorizing me again, and I let him. He presses his lips to my neck and I throw my head back moaning in the pure ecstasy he gives me. Closing my eyes I feel him everywhere. I feel him in every inch of my body and soul. My impatient pussy is pulsating and I can’t wait much longer. I open my eyes and stare up at him adoringly. With his eyes on mine, I slowly unhook my bra and slide down my panties. “Take me, Mason. Take me now.” Without saying a word he picks me up and instinctively I wrap my legs around his strong waist as he pushes me up against the wall as his hungry lips find mine. Our kiss is passionate, hot, and ignites our bodies. I hear him unzipping his jeans and soon he fills me with what I’ve been waiting for all day. “Yes, Mason. Just like that,” I whimper and grip his shoulders tight for support. Everything I’m feeling and everything he’s giving me makes me come apart. “You feel so fucking good, Care,” he grunts giving me everything he has and holding nothing back. “Shit. I can’t hold it much longer.” “That’s fine,” I moan. “I’m coming, Mason.” We ride out our orgasm together and soon he has me on our bed, licking me seductively from my calf to my thigh and doing the same to my other leg. Shit, I don’t think I have enough energy for round two, but this feels too good to tell him to stop. “Now,” he kisses my inner thigh, “I’m going to clean you up and dirty you again, but this time,” he looks into my eyes and cocks his brow, “I’m going to make it slow so you can see how irresistible you are and how much I love you. I’m going to spend the rest of the night cherishing you, Caroline.” Leaving our bedroom for a moment I try to catch my breath and brace myself for more mind-blowing sex. If I know Mason he will try to kill me tonight. “Death by insane pleasure,” I mutter and shake my head. Turning to look at my left hand I smile when I see the solitaire diamond ring resting on my ring finger. Our wedding is next June. The anticipation of being his wife is overwhelming and waiting a year to be married isn’t good for my patience. Mason wants to give me the wedding of my dreams. We’re planning on going to Hawaii to marry and spending our honeymoon there. In his eyes I deserve my fairy-tale wedding, and he wants to give that to me. I love him, but honestly, Vegas would be perfectly fine too. It doesn’t matter how we get married because what matters is we get to stand in front of each other, telling the world how we feel, and hearing the words you may now kiss your bride. Those things mean more to me than anything. Hearing the door close I look up to see him walking towards me in just his jeans and I’ll admit my fiancé looks damn good shirtless. He’s bare chested, sporting his very muscular body and very sexy six pack. The delicious V leads to my special place-a place that gives me immense pleasure and joy. I feel the warm washcloth against me and feel his hand lightly touching my thigh. I’m shaking, arching my back, and he’s barely touching me. “You smell so good,” he tells me, pressing his face between my thighs and slowly licking me. My fists clench the sheets as he spreads my thighs wider apart, lifting my ass off the bed and pleasurably assaulting me with his creative tongue. He’s eating me like I’m his last meal and it feels so good. His eyes sear into mine. That insatiable look he has right now is my undoing. I can’t look away and

I’m pretty sure if I do he’ll stop and I’ll beg him to continue. At this point I wouldn’t be embarrassed to beg him to pleasure me. The flicker of his tongue and grip he has on my legs has me dizzy and rushing with overwhelming orgasms too unbearable for my body to handle. “Mason,” I shout, “I can’t.” “Shhh, take it, sweetheart,” he tells me and hearing those words relaxes me for a second before I feel him sucking on my clit. “You don’t want me to stop.” “No,” I moan. “I don’t.” It’s so hard to talk when he’s doing this to me. I never thought oral sex could feel like this until Mason. His expert tongue and simple sucks gives me an experience like no other. This man . . . my man . . . I’m never letting him go. Slowly I feel his finger slide into me and that’s all I need before my orgasm recklessly takes over, sending my body into a relaxed state of feeling so good there are no words to describe. Not wasting another moment Mason pulls me up and lays me down. He hovers over me and gently kisses my lips, face, and neck. “You’re so beautiful when you give me everything,” he whispers and continues soothing me. “So beautiful and mine. You’re mine.” “Always yours,” I manage to squeak out. Gently sliding into me, Mason slows his thrusts and the sweetness of him between my thighs is beyond beautiful and seductive. It’s our love making soundtrack only for us to hear and feel.





I watch my beautiful wife with her best friend and my sister laughing and talking. They’re enjoying the night and Caroline’s never looked so beautiful. Seeing her walk down the beach with my dad and Evan’s dad by her side will always stay with me. Hearing her vows and promising me forever is my undoing. That smile, that sweet smile, she gives me, telling me everything will be okay. A hand on my shoulder pulls me out of my stalker obsession of Caroline. Turning around I see Clarke handing me a beer. “Congratulations again, man. You two deserve this. It’s been one hell of a year.” I flinch thinking about the shit that happened. My nightmares are gone and I’m thankful for Caroline. Without her as my rock I would’ve driven myself crazy. She’s my savior and my strength. After therapy and some desk work, the decision to teach at the academy came to me. No one asked me to step down or reconsider being an officer. This was something I needed to do. Since I became a cop I’ve been threatened, but never like this. Never was I kidnapped and nearly left for dead. Broken bones, blurry vision, difficulty breathing and loss of hope flooded me. I was in physical therapy for a few months after waking from a coma. Caroline never lost hope and stayed by my side. When I got out of the hospital, we stayed with my parents for a while, but every night I dreamt of that night and the beating I endured. I woke up screaming and one night it was so bad I thought Caroline was Javier and pushed her so hard she fell off the bed knocking her head on the floor. Heather came in and took her away. I stayed away from everyone for the next few days until Caroline came back to me and looked at me. She told me everything I needed to hear and from that moment on I became serious about therapy and focused on getting better. I focused on my life and Caroline’s because I couldn’t lose her. “It’s worth it,” I tell Clarke. “It’s made us stronger and we’re building a family. You know, she told me I better get her pregnant while we’re here.” Clarke laughs and shakes his head. “Looks like you have a lot of expectations.” “Sure fucking do.” When the song changes to a slow number I leave Clarke and walk over to my wife, my everything, and my best friend. Taking her hand I spin her to my body and dip her down slowly. “Mason,” she giggles and holds onto me tightly. “I love you, Mrs. Ryan,” I tell her and slowly bend my head so my lips touch hers. “So much.” “I love you too.” Pulling her back up in my arms we sway to the music. I don’t hear anything or see anyone. All I see

is Caroline and all I want is for her to be happy and give her the life she deserves. The words from the song hit us hard. Break on Me by Keith Urban fills the tent and Caroline buries her head into my chest. This is our song. When I feel her body slightly shake I hold her tighter and whisper in her ear, “Don’t cry.” “I’m so happy,” she whispers. “So happy. You are my everything, Mason. Thank you for giving me you. Thank you for saving me, and thank you for coming back.” “I’ll never leave you, Caroline. You have me forever.” Looking into her eyes I know I see what I want and what I’ll cherish until the end of time. It’s her love that makes me whole. This is where I belong.

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I’m so thankful for my very supportive and understanding family and friends. Thank you for everything and for giving me strength to keep reaching for my goals. My dreams continually come true because of you. Thank you to my wonderful husband, Kevin, for always being there and for believing in me. Thank you for doing the laundry, dishes, and cleaning when I couldn’t. Thank you for letting me sleep when I need it and thank you for being you. Also, thank you to Baby Moose for letting me write and not feel too tired or cranky. We can’t wait to meet you in November! The Indie community is a community I’m so proud to be part of. The friendships I’ve made I’ll forever hold in my heart and I appreciate all of the constant support. A big part of my writing journey is because of everyone in our community and I will never be able to full express my love and appreciation for you. COPA love! I’m so lucky to be part of this amazing group. We share so many laughs and learn from one another. Y’all have the biggest hearts and I’m so grateful to have each of you in my life. Huge love to my amazing team! Thank you so much Stefanie, Stacy, Renita, Denae, Jessica, Judy, Dana and Tami for helping me polish Refresh and giving me the push I need to press publish. Not only are you my betas, editor, proofers, cover designer and formatter, but most importantly my friends. Thank you to my very amazing and patient PA, Lexi, for never letting me forget what I need to do. You’re my right hand, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Thank you for being there for me and sticking by my crazy side. I know for a fact no one would know my name without the love and amazing work of bloggers. Bloggers, you’re my rock stars, and I am so thankful for every one of you! Thank you for your hard work and support. You are so important so please keep being rock stars and always know how thankful I am for you. Shout out to my Sassy Babes! I love my reading group and have so much fun being silly with them. It makes me smile big when I’m able to share exclusive news with them and know how they’re doing. Babes, y’all ROCK! Give Me Books, Enticing Journey, and Southern Belle thank you for hosting my event and working so hard. I appreciate your hard work and am so lucky to have such a strong promotion team. Eye Candy Bookstore thank you for being a great PR company and always keeping in touch. I’m not just your client, but someone who means something. Thank you for your hard work and helping me with everything I need. Finally, to my amazing readers. I am so honored to share my stories with you and read your thoughts. I love your messages and comments and hope you know how much encouragement it gives me. I love you all so much and cannot thank you enough for your support and helping me continue with my dream.





S. Moose is a New York Times and USA Today Bestselling author, living in Webster, NY with her family, friends, and shorkie, Charlie. A 2011 St. John Fisher graduate, S.Moose loves to read and write. She enjoys getting lost in the fictional world and creating a place where readers can fall in love and swoon over the cute boys she brings to life. When she isn’t in her room in front of her computer or a book, she is with her family and friends being silly and enjoying life. She’s romantic at heart and loves anything with a happily ever after.

Table of Contents Other Books by S. Moose Coming Soon Dedication A Prayer for a Police Officer Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Epilogue Acknowledgements About the Author