The List - Chantal Fernando

The List by

Chantal Fernando

All rights reserved. This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook is copyrighted material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any form without prior written permission from the publisher, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution, circulation or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly. Thank you for respecting the work of this author. CHANTAL FERNANDO Published May 2017 Cover design © Arijana Karčić, Cover It! Designs Edited by Hot Tree Editing Proof read by Susan Child THE LIST is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places and events portrayed in this book either are from the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, establishments, events, or location is purely coincidental and not intended by the author. Please do not take offense to the content, as it is FICTION. Trademarks: This book identifies product names and services known to be trademarks, registered trademarks, or service marks of their respective holders, The authors acknowledges the trademarked status in this work of fiction. The publication and use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners. Copyright © 2017 Chantal Fernando All rights reserved.

Table of Contents Dedication Acknowledgements Playlist Reader’s Note Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Epilogue

Dedication I don’t know how you got to me, But you did. My heart is not one easily pierced. It’s strong, rough, and covered in barbed wire. But for you, Oh for you, It turned into something else entirely. You have me, If you want me. And even if you don’t.

“I didn't want to kiss you goodbye — that was the trouble — I wanted to kiss you good night — and there's a lot of difference.” ― Ernest Hemingway

Acknowledgements A big thank you to Arijana Karcic at Cover It! Designs for your amazing talent and friendship. I love you. To Rose Tawil—Thank you so much for everything. I wouldn’t be able to function without you! You are one of the best souls I’ve ever come across. My beta readers Leeann Wright and Eileen Robinson--thank you so much for your help. I appreciate you both! Hot Tree Editing—Thank you for being so wonderful to work with. To my bestie Natalie Ram—Thank you for being the ultimate beta reader, proof reader, and helping me whenever I need it, even though you’re super busy being your own girl boss. I love you so very much. To my sons—Thank you for being so wonderful and understanding when Mama has to work. I hope that I’m showing you through my actions that dreams can come true, and if you work hard enough, anything is possible. I love you three more than anything and anyone.

Playlist: Issues - Julia Michaels Mercy - Shawn Mendes Talking Body - Tove Lo Final Song - MO Don’t Leave - Snakehips Bad Things - Camila Cabello, Machine Gun Kelly Don’t Let Me Be Yours - Zara Larsson I Can’t Fall in Love Without You - Zara Larrson Can I Be Him - James Arthur Liability - Lorde We Don’t Talk Anymore - Charlie Puth, Selena Gomez Now or Never – Halsey

Reader’s Note: Although some events in this book are fictional, it is loosely based on a true story. We enjoy writing and reading stories about perfect people who do perfect things, but the reality can be the opposite. Human beings are not perfect and changing these characters would result in a completely fictional story. I tried to find a balance between staying true to the story, and giving readers something they can connect with. I hope you love it.

Chapter One Taye Bringing the straw to my sultry pink lips, I glance over the dance floor as the cool liquid hits my tongue. I swallow and smile, closing my eyes as the alcohol hits me, feeling the perfect amount of tipsy. Right now, in this moment, I have nothing to worry about. I love these moments. They are few and far between. Tomorrow, that’s when I’ll worry about everything else, but tonight? Tonight is for me. “I love this song,” my friend Keisha says next to me, swaying from side to side in rhythm with the music. She grabs my arm and nods towards the dance floor. “Let’s go dance, Taye.” I love to dance. As long as they play good music, I could dance here all night, not leaving the dance floor for anything except maybe a drink. I’m an introvert, and generally shy, but when I dance, I don’t care who watches. Perhaps I’m an outgoing introvert? Keisha once said that I’m shy until you get to know me, but once you do, you’ll find out that I can be a little wild. I think she’s right. I do have a hidden wild side, but I don’t share it with just anyone. There’s a part of me that wants to be wild, to be free, and recently, I’ve been trying to let that part out a little more. I don’t know why I buried it in the first place. I finish the last of my drink, place it on the bar, and then let her lead me to the floor, swaying my hips with each step. When she pulls me up on the podium with her, I don’t think anything of it. It’s not a place I haven’t been a hundred times before; in fact, I feel comfortable up here. Is that the true nature of a dancer? I

might be shy in every other aspect of my life, but when I dance, I feel a confidence that makes me powerful, and add in alcohol and it creates a delicious mix. Everyone watches us dance, and I don’t mind. I don’t pay anyone any attention; I’m kind of in my own world right now. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I dance with Keisha with a synchrony that only people who dance with each other often can have. I know the way she moves and she knows how I move in return. A few songs later, she goes to get a drink but I decline, staying behind to continue dancing. A random girl I’ve seen around comes and dances with me, not as close as Keisha does, and I like that she keeps her space. Hands in the air, I do a body roll, then swivel my hips in a delicious grind. Turning to face the dance floor whilst still moving, I’m scanning the crowd when I lock eyes with a man standing in front of the stage. He looks up at me, his lips kicking up at the corners. He’s good-looking. My type, even so, I smile back shyly, ducking my head, and looking away. When I meet the gaze of the girl I’m dancing with, she smiles and tells me, with a nod towards him, “He’s a good guy.” How does she know that, I wonder? If they’re friends, they’re not acting like it. Or is she trying to be a wing woman? I guess drunk people say all kinds of shit, right? I decide to ignore her comment. When Keisha still doesn’t return, I step down off the stage and go in search of her. I don’t see her at the bar, so I assume she went out for a smoke. “Hey, Taye,” Jacob says to me, smiling. I smile and nod at him, and then give his brother Matt a quick hug, because I know him more. These boys are younger than me, and I wouldn’t exactly call them friends; maybe acquaintances. The only reason I know them is because they are friends with my younger brother, and while they are good for a laugh, they will also hit on anything that walks. Me included. “Hey, long time no see,” I say, grinning. “How have you been?” “Not bad,” Matt replies, as Jacob gives me a once-over that I don’t miss, but choose to ignore. They are harmless, and I think they know they have no

chance, which is probably why they like to try. I tend to stick to myself, and they know this. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I think I’m better than anyone, it’s just that I know what I like, and they aren’t it. “This is Eli,” he says, as the man I was checking out on the dance floor comes up next to him. “Hello, miss,” he says, and flashes me a full-fledged, panty-dropping smile. That smile. It’s devastating. No, really. It hits me right in the stomach. It’s cocky, it’s knowing, but it’s also genuine. I don’t know how it can be all of these things, but it is. Instantly, I’m intrigued. Who is this guy? I’ve never seen him before. If I had, I would have remembered. I take him in again. He’s tall, perfectly so, with a nice build. Dressed in jeans, and a longsleeved black T-shirt. Muscled and toned, but not too bulky, more in an athletic way. With his thick head of short, dark, curly-ish hair, and a beard that I want to run my fingers through—I don’t think my mind could come up with a sexier man if I tried. Where the hell did he come from? I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something about him. Maybe it’s the way he’s looking at me, those blue eyes working, kind of like he’s planning exactly what he wants to do to me. Like he knows exactly what to do with me. Fuck. My body wants him, that’s for sure, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to listen to her. She doesn’t always get what she wants. I’ve never had a one-night stand before, not in all of my twenty-nine years. I’ve always struggled with instant attraction, and I think that’s why online dating is sometimes easier for me, because I can get to know them a little better, get a taste of their mind before I meet them.

“Hello,” I say, smiling back at him. I hold his eyes for a few moments, then return them to Matt while Eli heads to the bar to get a drink. “How do you know him?” I ask Matt, so only he can hear. “Why? Interested?” he asks, arching a brow. “He’s a good friend of mine.” Does that mean he’s from here? I live in a small town, and I’m a private person. Generally, the two don’t mix, but I try and keep my business to myself and stay away from the local men. Most of them don’t know how to keep their mouths shut. “Just curious,” I mutter, smiling as Eli returns.. “Can I get you a drink?” he asks, his voice as delicious as the rest of him. My gaze drops to his lips. I clear my throat and shake my head. “No, thank you.” I don’t think I need any more alcohol. Keisha and I probably shouldn’t have had so much before we left the house. Whenever we’re together though, shots always seem like a good idea. They never are. However, I like that he asked. He goes to the bar, and I can’t help but watch his movements. “He wants you,” Matt says, studying me, a smirk playing on his lips. “He’s a good guy.” Why does everyone keep saying that to me? What makes him so good, exactly? I ignore his comment, rolling my eyes. Eli, drink in hand, comes back to stand next to me. “Having a good night?” he asks, studying me. “Not bad. You?” I ask in return. “Pretty good,” he says, scanning the club. “I’ve been in town for a few weeks but this is my first night coming out.” “Where are you from?” I ask, happy to finally be getting some answers.

“Over east,” he replies, and if he’s not from here, I have to wonder how the hell he knows everyone. Did he just move here? If so, the women are going to be lining up to get him. “Are you just here for work?” I probe further, wanting to know every detail I can about this man. He nods. “Yeah.” I see. Well, actually, no, I don’t. Maybe he just made friends with everyone while he was here and that’s how they all know him? I don’t know. Maybe he’s stationed here for work for a long period of time. A good song comes on and I look around for Keisha. When I don’t see her I smile at Eli and tell him I’m going to dance. “You should give him a chance, Taye,” Matt says so only I can hear. I ignore Matt and make my way back to the dance floor, where I start to dance by myself. I just want to dance. I don’t want to deal with anything else right now. Eli approaches me. There’s an intensity and confidence about him I don’t know what to do with. It’s like I either need to embrace it or get away from it. There’s no in-between. “Hey,” I say, flashing him a grin. I can be standoffish at times, but I can also be a total flirt if I feel like it. I think a lot of how I react depends on the other person. I feed off their vibes. He says something to me, and I’m sure the word was “Trouble.” Trouble? Me? If anyone is trouble here, it’s not me. “What’s your name?” he asks me, stepping closer. Close up I can see that his beard has streaks of brown and blond going through it. I like it. “Taye,” I reply, lip twitching as he offers me his hand. I take it, and he pulls me even closer, so close that our bodies are almost touching, but not quite. We start to dance. He keeps his eyes on mine the whole time, something passing between us, although I’m not sure what it is exactly. Lust? Attraction? I’ve never

experienced instant chemistry and a connection before, but I think this must be it. I don’t get it. I’ve been around a lot of good-looking men before, but none that have drawn me so much. I just met him, and I want him. Someone bumps into me from behind, and without looking, I kind of nudge them out of the way. Okay, I might have pushed them. Eli sees that, smirks, and then spins me around so it’s his back to the pushy guy, not mine, and then starts to dance again. I grin. He does a move that makes me laugh, and I can’t help but throw my head back. His playfulness is contagious, and I decide to teach him a lesson by pressing my breasts against his chest and doing a body roll against him. This has turned into our own little dance battle, and I sure as hell am not going to lose. I start to grind my hips in a circle, running my fingers through my hair seductively. I don’t miss the widening of his blue eyes. “That’s not fair,” he says to me, shaking his head. “Never said I’d play nice,” I reply, flashing him an easy grin. He smiles, and then lowers his mouth to kiss me, and I don’t stop him. Why don’t I stop him? I close my eyes and all but fall into him, surrendering myself instantly. His lips work against mine, tasting, testing, his hands now on my hips, his grip tight. I’ve only ever kissed one other guy in this nightclub, and that ended up being one huge, embarrassing mistake. But this kiss is not a mistake. No, it’s everything a kiss should be. His tongue touches mine, and I lift up on my tiptoes to get closer to him; I need to be closer. I need more. I’ve never felt more alive, I don’t know how else to explain it. My head is dizzy, and not just from the alcohol, it’s something else. It’s him. I don’t know if this means I win or lose the battle, but right now I don’t give a fuck.

Chapter Two Next thing I know, I’m at the bar again, Eli is getting another drink, which I decline again, and Keisha is wandering over to me, an amused look on her face. She tucks her blonde hair behind her ear before she starts in on me. “I leave you alone for ten minutes.” “It was longer than that,” I point out, mainly because I have no other comeback. “Do you want a drink?” I suddenly need another one, because it’s extremely hot in here. I shift on my feet, then glance to the bar where Eli is sipping on some sort of amber liquid. Keisha agrees to another drink, so I order us two tequila shots. I can only drink clear spirits. Vodka, tequila, hell, even gin if I’m desperate, but whiskey and scotch or anything like that is a big no for me. I once tried to down a shot of whiskey on a date, and spat it out all over myself. Wasn’t one of my finest moments. Eli’s eyes catch mine again, and it’s me who looks away. Why does he look at me like he can see through me? Like he knows my deepest, darkest secrets, like he wants them to come out and play. I’ve never had a stranger look at me in this way before, and it’s both enthralling and terrifying. I look back at him. God, why does the man have to be so fucking hot? And why do I want to go over there and stand with him? I want his hands on me again, his mouth. God, that mouth. He tasted so good, and his lips—they fit mine just a little too perfectly. Matt comes and stands in front of me, blocking my view of Eli. How rude. I try and look over him, but Matt narrows his eyes on me, so I bring my shoes back to the ground and do my shot with Keisha instead, licking the salt off my hand, swallowing the tequila, then sucking on the lemon. “You should come home with me tonight,” Matt says, making me almost choke on the slice of lemon. He just saw me checking out Eli, and now he’s asking me to go home with him? I will never understand men.

“Ummm, no,” I say, shaking my head. “But nice try.” “I’d fuck you so good, Taye,” he says, eyes sparkling. Wasn’t he trying to set me up with Eli before? I pat Matt on the shoulder, and offer him a smile. That smile is all he is getting from me, and I hope he understands that. Keisha shakes her head at Matt in amusement, threads her arm through mine, and leads me back to the dance floor, where we get back up on the stage. “Side to Side” by Ariana Grande starts to play, and we share a grin and start to dance. A few songs later, we’re still dancing together, just being us. I see Eli approaching and do a little dance whilst keeping my eyes on him. In return, he closes the space between us and lifts me off the stage. Holy shit. I wrap my legs around his waist and hold on to him for dear life, my arms around his neck. I’m not light, but he’s carrying me like I weigh nothing at all. His show of strength has me more turned on than I want to admit. “Don’t drop me,” I say, our faces close. I reach back to where my dress has ridden up, and my panties are practically showing. “I think everyone can see my arse.” “I won’t drop you,” he says, and he has the same look in his eyes that Aladdin had when he asked Princess Jasmine if she trusted him. “I’m heavy.” “No, you’re not.” He pulls my dress down for me so nothing is on show, his hands on my arse, and then he kisses me. Right there on the dance floor, with me in his arms, my legs around him. In front of everyone. And I don’t give a fuck. I kiss him back. It feels like we’re the only two people here. I don’t even think about what we must look like, I don’t really care. The scariest part isn’t that everyone is seeing this, it’s that I like being where I am right now, in a stranger’s arms. We end

the kiss and share a look. His eyes tell me that he wants me, and I want him too, but this really is breaking all of my rules. He’s a complete stranger. I don’t know what he likes, what he does for a living. I don’t know anything about him except that I want him. He could be the biggest asshole on the planet, I have no idea. But I don’t think he is. Something in my gut is telling me that I won’t regret any decisions I make involving this man tonight. I slide down his body until my heels hit the floor, my arms still around his neck, our eyes still connected. “Definitely trouble,” he says, taking my hand and leading me back to the bar. I can say the same for him. “Should we go home? The music has turned shit. And I think we both know that nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m.,” Keisha says, coming to stand with us. She smiles at Eli, who asks her if she wants a drink. “No, thanks,” she politely declines, then sends me a look that says “he is hot.” She then stumbles a little, which shows me just how drunk she is. I have to agree, both that he’s hot and that the music has gone downhill in the last few songs, but there’s something else keeping me here, and he’s standing right next to me. “Do you want to?” I ask her, glancing back at Eli. I don’t want to keep her here if she’s having a shit time, and she’s staying at my house, so we need to leave together. “Yeah,” she says, nodding. “Let’s go get something to eat.” Dammit. Normally I’d be all over getting some food, but unfortunately for me, tonight I’m hungry for something else. “Okay, just give me a minute.” I look at him, and hesitantly say, “I have to go.” “Wait, what,” he says, shaking his head. “No, don’t go. Come back to mine and have some drinks with me.” “Drinks” is clearly code for sex.

Do I want to go back to his house and have sex with him? Yes. Does that mean I should do it? No. “I’m going home with Keisha,” I explain to him. “I don’t want her to go alone.” “Then we’ll drop her off first,” he says, shrugging. “That way she gets home safely, and you can still come with me.” I look to Keisha, who shrugs and nods. Shit, am I really going to do this? I have a list. It’s a list of things I want to experience in my life, a sexual list. Having a one-night stand is on there. And the man next to me is the perfect candidate. I can literally feel the chemistry between us, and I want to test if I’m right about this. No, you know what? These are just excuses I’m using to justify what I’m about to do. Really—I just want him. It’s that simple. I don’t care about anything else right now. I want him. And you know what? Fuck it, I’m going to have him, even if it’s just for one night. “I live far away,” I tell Eli. It’s not really that far out, maybe a ten-minute drive, but everyone else in town seems to think so. “I don’t care if you live fifty kilometres away,” he says, looking at me like he means it. He really doesn’t care, he just wants me there. “Okay then,” I agree. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol, or what, but I don’t care about anything else. Let my brother find out about it and give me hell; I don’t care. I’ll let future, sober me, worry about it. Tonight, I’m going to do what I want, and what I want is to be a little reckless, and to go wherever this man is going. We walk outside and to a cab, where Eli opens the door for me and I slide in. Keisha

sits in the front, and I sit in the back with Eli and a friend of his. “Who the fuck are you?” I ask the man, who simply grins. “He’s a colleague of mine,” Eli says in a gentle tone. I’m probably being rude, but I didn’t even know he came out with a friend, nor did I see this friend inside the club all night. I guess I was a little preoccupied. “How old are you?” I ask Eli, snuggling into him like I’ve known him for a long time. He smells so good, and to be honest, I feel like this ride needs to go a little faster because I can’t wait for him to be all over me. I’m also glad that Greg isn’t the one driving us right now, because I don’t want him to see me going home with a man I just met. Greg is my favourite cab driver, and he tries to take the pickups and drop offs to and from my house whenever he can. We chat, we laugh, and he always tells me and my friends what nice girls we are. I don’t think he’d be thinking that right now if he were here. “You already asked me this,” Eli says, sounding amused. I don’t remember asking, nor do I remember the answer. How much did I drink tonight? “Humour me.” “Twenty-six.” I cringe. Okay, so being three years older than him isn’t that bad, is it? I generally don’t go for younger men. He doesn’t act young, though. He acts like he’d know just how to handle me. “Great,” I mutter, then say, “I need to go home early in the morning.” I have to be at soccer at nine. Yes, I probably shouldn’t have gone out and gotten so drunk, but I’m the type of person who can still get shit done the next day no matter what. “Okay,” he says, wrapping his arms around me. “I need to go to work anyway.” Excellent. I can fuck him, then make a quick exit afterwards. The perfect crime.

Okay, it’s not a crime. It’s going to end in orgasms, that’s always good. We stop at my house and Keisha gets out. I say bye, but then realize she needs my key to get in. I pull it out of my bag. “Here, I’ll go open it for her,” Eli offers, getting out of the car and opening the door for Keisha, then bringing the key back to me, while drunk me sits in the cab with his random friend wondering if I really am a bad friend. I know Keisha won’t care. She’s gone home with men before, and as long as we make sure each other gets home safely we’re good. But this time it’s a little shitty because she’s going back to my house without me there. At least I’ll be home before she wakes up, in time to make her breakfast. I still can’t believe I’m doing this, yet I don’t regret it. It just makes no sense, because this definitely isn’t me. I don’t do things like this. All my actions are planned out, I don’t do spontaneous. I don’t do instant attraction, and I sure as hell don’t feel comfortable with someone straight away. The drive back to his place is filled with tension, and all I want to do is kiss him, but I refrain because we aren’t alone in the cab. When we pull up to his place, I realise it’s not a house exactly, more like a chalet, and his friend lives right next door. We say bye to his friend, and Eli unlocks his door and turns on the light, then gestures for me to enter. I walk inside and take a quick glance around. “Can I get you anything?” he asks me as I take a seat at his table. “Something to eat or drink?” I watch him walk around his kitchen, like a wolf would his prey. “Maybe some water.” He pours me a glass of water and hands it to me. “Sorry about the mess. The boys drank here.” There is no mess, bar some alcohol bottles around the place. “It’s fine,” I say, smiling shyly. I take a sip of the water then put the glass down, stand, and walk to his bedroom, where a lamp illuminates the room. He can see me from where he stands in the kitchen, and he watches as I sit on the corner of the bed and start to unlace my black heels.

He steps into the room, eyes still on me. “Nice shoes.” “Thanks,” I say, bending to place them neatly in the corner, and then turning to face him as he walks behind me. The man has good taste. He removes his shirt, and I forget everything else, staring at his body, from his toned chest right down to his abs. There’s a little hair splattered on his chest, and I don’t mind it one bit. I swallow hard. He sits on the bed and pulls me in for a kiss, his hands grabbing my long, thick hair and giving it a gentle tug. I can’t help myself, I moan. “Fuck, this hair…” he murmurs against my lips. “Glad you approve,” I manage to reply, lips twitching. He leans over me, and I move back with him until I’m lying flat on his bed, and then his lips are on mine, and my hands are in his hair, on his skin, anywhere I can reach. I moan as his tongue touches mine, and breathe heavily as he breaks the kiss. I’m so turned on right now that I can barely think straight. My breath hitches slightly as he slides down the spaghetti straps of my dress, our eyes locked together. He pulls my dress down, exposing my black lace bra, but he hasn’t looked down yet. No, his eyes are still on mine, and that’s probably quite a feat, because my breasts are not small, and every man that has ever gotten near them has all but dived for them first. Next he slides down my bra straps, pulling that down too, the cool air hitting my bare breasts, my nipples pebbling. We’re still staring into each other’s eyes. Are all one-night stands this intense? The look he’s giving me has me more turned on than I think I’ve ever been before. Maybe he’s always like this? I don’t know. Tonight means nothing, but I feel like it already means more than “something” with someone else would. Great, I’m so turned on even my thoughts aren’t making any sense anymore. He finally lowers his gaze, and I close my eyes and exhale as he bends his head and sucks on one nipple, then the other, cupping my breasts in his hands. My fingers run through his hair, my eyes opening as he slides my dress off completely, and then my lace panties. He starts to kiss my lips again, hungrier this time as we lose all patience. I reach for his jeans and tug on them, silently telling him they need to be off.

Now. He listens, taking them off and covering me with his body, his warm skin touching mine. Every sensation is heightened right now. I’m so wet and so ready for him to fuck me; this man has me going insane. And then his lips slam back down on mine, and I can feel the hardness of his cock against me. I moan. Oh fuck, how I need him inside me.

Chapter Three After more kisses that leave me feeling dizzy, he moves down my body, spreads my thighs, lowers his head, and licks my pussy. “Fuck,” I whisper, my hands moving to rest on my forehead, not sure if I’m going to survive this, at the same time lifting my hips up and wanting more. When I start to squirm a little, he pins me to the mattress and continues the delicious torture. “I want you inside me,” I tell him, needing what I’ve been wanting since the first moment I laid my eyes on him. He lifts his head, then climbs up my body, taking my wrists in his hands and pinning them above my head. I make a deep noise in my throat. I love being pinned down like that. How does he know exactly what I like without me having to tell him? He slides into me, and I’m so wet that I can feel the dampness on my inner thighs. He’s so hard that I sink my teeth into my bottom lip at the feel of him. I’ve never felt anything better. He starts to thrust into me and I lift my hips to meet his. His fingers tighten their hold on my wrists, and his lips find their way back to mine again. I’m wild for him. All over each other, we change positions, never stopping, always moving against each other. When he puts me on all fours, he licks my pussy from behind, which drives me crazy, then fucks me from behind. When he’s back on top of me, his thrusts push me off the bed with him, and we still don’t break rhythm, we fuck on the floor, until he picks me up and lays me back on the bed. It’s all a blur of pleasure, it’s animalistic, it’s natural, and I can’t get enough. He puts his hand on my throat, and I wonder if he notices how much that turns me on. By the way he tightens his hand a little, I’m sure he does. He pays attention, so observant even in his aroused state that I don’t even have to say anything. He pulls out and kneels next to me. I take his hard cock in my hand and bring my head to it, licking the tip

before taking him deep into my mouth. He makes a growling sound when I deep throat him, one that makes me squeeze my thighs together. The sound is seriously sexy. He pulls away when he’s had enough and slides back into me, thrusting harder and faster than before. When he pulls out and tries to slide a little lower, into my arse, I make a sound of disapproval, and he stops instantly and slides back into my pussy. Did I just see a smirk on his face? I think I did. I don’t know what is so amusing to him right now, but then he’s fucking me again and I lose all coherent thought. I make noises when I come that I’ve never made before, and when he pulls out and comes on my stomach, I watch him through hooded eyes, my chest heaving up and down. He gets something to clean me, while I lie there, unable to move. It’s been a while since I had such uninhibited sex, and I’m already missing it. He lies down next to me and I cuddle close to him, feeling sated. “Why are you single?” he asks me, his voice low and contemplative. Such a random question asked at such a random time. “I’m crazy,” I tell him, which isn’t exactly the truth, but I’m never going to see him again so what’s the point in telling him my life story? That I’ve been hurt before and hardly trust anyone anymore? Kind of a mood killer, and a little too deep for the night’s events. I hardly open up to anyone, never mind someone I’ve just met and won’t be seeing again. Why is he asking this question in the first place? How I’d love to be able to read his mind right now. “Hmmm,” he murmurs, as if considering my words. We fall asleep, him spooned behind me, but it isn’t long before I’m woken up with his fingers gently stroking my sex. He kisses the back of my neck, sending shivers up my spine, and says, “I’m going to need to borrow this again.” I grin, biting my bottom lip as he slides back into me from behind. I don’t know how he’s ready to go again so soon, but I sure as fuck am not going to complain about it. Maybe younger men are the way to go after all.

***** His alarm goes off in the morning, except instead of getting up, we’re all over each other again. I ride him slow and deep, lifting my hips up and down, leaning over so my breasts are in his reach. He bites down on one of my nipples, which I like a little too much, and starts to move faster and harder. He rolls me over onto my back and takes control, and the two of us finish just as his alarm goes off again. He turns it off and brings me against his chest, where we cuddle for a little while before he gets up to jump in the shower and get ready for work. I get out of bed and glance around the now destroyed room. The bed is pushed away from the wall, the lamp is on the floor, and everything is scattered everywhere. Holy shit. We pretty much ruined the bedroom. I gather my clothing, and my bra and panties, which were also thrown all around the room, and dress. I lie back on the bed, feeling sleepy. I want to call a cab but I don’t know the address of this place. Eli soon emerges, freshly showered and dressed in his work gear. He’s obviously a tradie of some kind. He comes over to where my legs are now hanging off the bed, spreads my thighs, and puts his face over my panties. I gently push him off me, laughing. He really doesn’t have a shy bone in his body, or any kind of boundaries. Aren’t there unwritten rules for this type of thing? From what I’ve heard or read about one-night stands, you kind of keep your distance, but he’s been playful, even tender in the way he touched me, and I find myself really liking that about him. “Can you call me a cab?” I ask, studying him. I had a great night, and I definitely have no regrets, but right now I just want to get home. I can only imagine what I must look like, sex hair and makeup smudged all over my face. This doesn’t have to be awkward, right? Surely he’s done this before, even if I haven’t. “Sure,” he says, making an approving sound as he looks over my lace panties, then picks up his phone and orders me one. “Are you doing anything tonight?” he asks me once he hangs up, catching me off guard.

“Ummm….” I’m new to this, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how this works. I’m meant to go home, and we’re meant to never see each other again. And I’m meant to place a tick next to one-night stand on my list. Do I want to see him again? I don’t know. My mind is all muddled right now, his scent rubbed into my skin, his taste in my mouth. I don’t think it’s fair to ask me to make any decisions concerning this man right now. “Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll send you a message later?” he says, sounding casual as ever. He’s definitely done this before, and isn’t overthinking every single action like I am. “You want my number,” I slowly clarify, tilting my head to the side. “To see me again tonight?” He scans my face, and I don’t know what he sees there but he chuckles. “Yes, I want to see you tonight.” He pauses, then adds, “You surprised me last night.” “Surprised you how?” I ask, arching a brow. “Did you think I was going to be a prude in bed or something?” If so, why did he take me home in the first place? I don’t understand men. “You just did,” he says, staring down at me with this little smile on his face, like he thinks I’m cute or something. “Maybe you surprised me too,” I fire back, looking him in the eye, challenging him. He’s younger than me, but he doesn’t act it. He’s not a boy, he’s a man—his age doesn’t mean shit, and the way he handled me last night… I’m impressed with a few skills he possesses. “Good,” he says, lip twitching. He holds his phone in his hands, staring down at the screen. “Hopefully I surprised you enough you’ll give me your number now.” “Okay,” I say a little hesitantly. What harm can it do? I tell him my number and he puts it into his phone, then brings his gaze back up to me. “I have to go or I’m going to be late,” he says, sounding apologetic. “The

cab will be here soon.” He pulls money out of his wallet and tries to hand it to me. “For the cab.” He wants to give me money to pay for my cab home? I can’t figure out if this makes him a gentleman, or if it makes me feel like some kind of hooker. Maybe both. Is this him trying to control the situation? Or maybe he’s genuinely being nice, in case I didn’t have any money on me. I know some women go out with no cash on them, but I’m not one of them. “I can pay for my own cab, thank you,” I tell him, staring him down. I don’t know why his offer offends the independent woman in me, but it does. Is this a thing? Or maybe this is just an Eli thing. I don’t think most men would care how the women get home as long as they leave. “That’s not the point,” he says, sounding amused. He leaves the money on the table, and I walk over to him and give him a hug, melting into him. Suddenly feeling a little sooky, I bury my face against him and squeeze. He squeezes me back. I lift my head to see him smiling. “Fuck, you’re a bit cute,” he tells me. “A bit?” I ask, lifting my chin. I’m not usually a girl who gets called cute. My style leans towards more dark and edgy, and so does my attitude. He smiles again, and I can’t take my eyes off his lips. I have a feeling he’s just a happy kind of guy, and I like that. He gives me a quick kiss, watches me for a moment, then steps away from me, and says goodbye and leaves. I glance around his place, now all alone, feeling kind of awkward, the reality of the morning hitting me. I head back into his bedroom and grab my handbag, then decide to wait out the front. I lock his front door and step outside, my eyes widening as I realise I’m out in the middle of nowhere. All I can see from his front door is trees, land, and water. To the right is the chalet next door where his friend lives, but in front of me all I see is nature. I grab my phone and am sending my best friend, Nicky, a video of the scenery when Eli walks back up. I

quickly slide my phone away. “He’s still not ready,” he says, referring to his friend from last night, offering me some of the coffee he now holds in his hand. I shake my head, and shift my weight on my feet, feeling a little uncomfortable, squinting as the sunlight hits my face. I don’t drink any kind of coffee, or anything with milk, actually, but I don’t bother to explain. Where exactly is my cab? I glance around but ultimately my gaze goes back to him, and I find that his eyes are already on me. “You sure you don’t want some?” he asks me, moving closer. “I’m sure,” I reply in a soft tone. Glancing out at the water, I say, “It’s so peaceful here... Beautiful, even.” “Very beautiful,” he murmurs, and when I turn back to him he’s still watching me. He closes the space between us, never taking his eyes off me, and then lowers his head to kiss me…. Just as the cab pulls up, beeping it’s horn. I step back from him, my hand resting on the strap of my bag, the moment lost. “Here,” he says, trying to hand me the money to pay for the cab again. “Take it.” I shake my head, scowling. Sure, it’s a nice thought, but it’s not necessary. “Thanks but no thanks,” I say, waving and all but rushing towards the taxi. I stumble on the way, hoping he didn’t see that but knowing that he probably did. I can’t be taken anywhere. I close the door and rattle off my address to the driver. Am I being rude to him right now? He probably thinks I can’t wait to get away from him, and he’s probably right, but right now it’s time for me to get my ass back home. I need to think about everything that just happened, I need to wrap my head around it. I see Eli watching me as the cab drives away, so I look away. I want to look back at him again but I don’t. Instead, I scrub my hands down my face and sigh. Now that the delicious sex is over, I have to deal with the fact that my baby brother, Seth, is now going to find out that I went home with Eli from Matt

and his friends, and then I’m going to get the judgement of the century. I can’t be bothered dealing with it, or him, and I should be able to do what I want to. I’m older. It’s not fair that I have different rules just because I’m female. The cab driver chats to me on the way home like she didn’t just pick me up at 5:00 a.m. from what was clearly a booty call of some kind, and drops me home. I unlock the door and walk inside. Keisha is still fast asleep in the guest room, so I decide to have a quick nap before I wake up, make breakfast, and then get my arse to soccer. Not the best plan I’ve ever had, yet sadly not the worst. My last thought as I fall back asleep is that I can still smell him on me.

Chapter Four “Where the hell were you this morning?” Nicky asks me on the phone as I sit on the grass. She lives a few hours away, so we’re on the phone a lot catching up with each other’s lives. When something happens, she’s the first person I want to tell. She never judges, but when I’m being a dickhead, she’s also the first to tell me so. She just gets me, and she’s also one of the most thoughtful people I’ve ever met. I truly don’t know what I’d do without her. I give her a quick rundown of the night’s events. “I can’t believe you actually went home with someone,” she says, sounding shocked. “Why do all the fun things happen when I’m not there?” “Because when you’re here we feed off each other and scare away all men?” I suggest, which is true. We can be a bit much together, and when she’s here I ignore any men that try and talk to me because no one can beat her company. She laughs, the sound bringing a smile to my face. “True. Well, Eli sounds delicious. Did you use protection though?” I stay silent, then hold the phone away from my ear while she yells at me. I am on the pill, so I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant. It’s just… all the other stuff. I cringe, and shift positions on the grass, realising that I can still feel Eli. Flashbacks hits me. I want him again, now. Jesus. What has he done to me? This morning, I kind of never wanted to see him again. But now, as I replay the sex in my head, I realise I’m being a total idiot, because I need that again. I’m not ready to give it up yet. And why can’t I have it? He said he wanted to see me again, and I can’t think of any reasons that I shouldn’t, sans my brother. He better message me like he said he would. I say bye to Nicky and tell her I’ll see her in two days. Then I concentrate on the soccer game, watching Carter, my nephew, play. At least I try to concentrate.

When I get home, I see a message from Matt. “So how did Eli go?” Fuck, he’s nosy. This is exactly what I didn’t want. “Last night never happened,” I type, hoping he gets the idea. As in, don’t tell Seth. “What do you mean?” he replies. “I mean, shut up.” “Did he fuck the guts out of you?” I roll my eyes. Exhibit A of why I would never touch any of those boys. “Who said we did anything? Keisha wanted to go home, so we did,” I reply. “Ahh okay then. I’m sure he will let me know when he comes around tonight.” Wait, what? Fucking hell. Eli is going to Matt’s house tonight? What will he tell him? I sit back and wait from the call from my brother.

***** “Maybe you were cold towards him in the morning and it put him off,” Nicky says the next morning when Eli still hasn’t contacted me. “Maybe he took down the wrong number,” I say, and I know how up myself that sounds, but replaying our night together, as I have been, over and over, I don’t see why he’d say he wanted to see me again and then change his mind. Sure, I could have been friendlier in the morning, but so what, I was in freak-out mode, and I was out of my comfort zone. I still gave him a hug, and we chatted a bit. That should count for something, right? I’m not even usually that cuddly. Is having an instant connection with someone possible?

Fucking hell. If he felt what I did, he would want to see me again. My ego struggling, I wonder how to handle the situation. What if he changed his mind about wanting to see me again? Then again, what if he really did lose my number or something? I need to find out. Deciding to make my own fate and find him myself, I message Matt again. “Do you have Eli on social media?” “No, I don’t. Why?” “So he’s not that close with you and your crew?” I probe. “I literally just met him on Friday night.” I blink. Is he fucking serious? “You acted like he was your best friend.” So, he was setting me up with a complete stranger? “Yeah, well. He bought me drinks. He seemed like a top bloke though!” Well, I guess it all makes sense now. They were drunk friends, like me with girls I meet in the club bathroom. Friends who are best friends that night, but never see or care about each other ever again. Who knew men did that too? With my only lead a fail, I don’t know how I’m ever going to find him. Plus, I’m going away to see Nicky for a few nights, so I won’t even be here. Maybe Eli is going to be the one-night stand I wanted after all. Except now, that’s not what I want at all. I’m about to give up when I open a dating app I used to use. Basically every single person uses this app, so maybe he’s on it. I put in twenty-six for the age and fifteen kilometres for the distance, then try my luck. I go through three men before I land on an Eli. He’s twenty-six. It’s him. And I realise that I’ve spoken to him before—on this app before I stopped using it. Shit.

How did I not recognise him? I remember we briefly had a chat, but I deleted him when he said he didn’t live here. There was no point getting to know someone that was just going to leave. How ironic. I click yes on him, and then wait for him to send me a message. I’ve done my bit, and now he needs to do his. And if he doesn’t contact me, well, then I have my answer.

***** I’m hanging out in a hotel room with Keisha, and we’re waiting for Nicky to finish work so we can all go to dinner together. I like visiting the city. I used to live here, and grew up here, but it’s no longer home. I’ve gotten used to the country, the peaceful lifestyle and ocean views from my house. Could I move back? Sure. I’m pretty adaptable. But there’d have to be a reason. As we lie in bed and watch TV, tired from a full day of shopping, my mind wanders back to Eli, like it has pretty much every moment since I all but ran from his place. It annoys me that he didn’t message me, both in general and on the dating app, and it annoys me that he’s not fucking my brains out right now. Just as I have that thought, my phone beeps, and when I check it, it’s from him. Excitement fills me. “Hello, miss.” Those two words, that’s all it takes. I can’t stop the smile that spreads over my face. He messaged me, so what does that mean exactly? Because I’m kind of hoping he wants to see me again. If he doesn’t, he definitely talks a lot of shit, because I believed his words the morning after we fucked. I apparently have no shame, because I type back, “Hello, how are you?

Pretty sure you were meant to message me.” I could play cool, sure, but I like to go for honesty. I can be forward, blunt even, and that’s just me. I don’t have time for games, or the energy. If he doesn’t want me, it’s fine, he can just say so. “I know. Either you’re terrible at giving numbers, or I’m terrible at taking them down, because your number was missing one.” Ha! I was right. My smile widens. I can’t wait to tell Nicky this. It wasn’t my morning grumpiness that put him off at all. Apparently, drunk us just can’t communicate properly. At least when it came to this, anyway. We can clearly communicate just fine in other ways. Better than fine. Fucking amazing. I type my number back to him. He texts back with, “I was missing the seven.” “So I guess seven isn’t your lucky number then.” “I guess not... haha. What are you up to, miss?” “I’m lying in a hotel room in the city. Eating chocolate. You?” “Working. Sounds like you’re having a better time. Taking a little break?” “Yeah, just a few days to see my friend. So, I had fun the other night….” I snicker as I write the line, wondering what he will say next. “Me too. I keep thinking about those eyes of yours… big brown eyes looking up at me.” “Want to see them again?” I boldly type. “I think you already know the answer to that.” And that’s how Eli and I began chatting every day.

***** When I return home after a few days, I need to catch up on work. I’m a freelance editor, and sometimes the flexibility of my job can lead me to leave things to the last minute. I may or may not be a huge procrastinator. Still, I’m a

hard worker, and always make sure I do the best job I can, pushing myself to be better each time. I love what I do, and I can’t imagine doing anything else. Apparently I’m great at picking up other people’s mistakes. Probably why I’m still single. My real passion, though, is writing. I’ve been writing my first novel, and taking my time with it. I hope one day I can publish it; that’s my real dream. I tell myself I need to finish some work before I see Eli again, because he already distracts me enough. Every time I see his name pop up on my phone, I smile. I shouldn’t be smiling, I know this, but I can’t help myself, and it’s not even because he’s fucking sexy. I’m learning that there’s a lot more to him—he’s witty, intelligent, and I really enjoy listening to his viewpoint on things. He’s only here for a few more weeks—he’s been here for over a month already—so I know that nothing will come of this, but I still want to spend whatever time I can with him. I want to taste him again. “The next time you come over, I’ll make sure I anchor the bed down. You know the room looked like a bomb hit it, right?” “Pretty hard to forget. All I keep doing is having flashbacks of that night,” I admit in my return text. We’ve been talking about seeing each other again ever since I boldly told him I thought we needed a repeat of that night. I told him I had to do a little work before I could play though, and he said he was actually surprised I had such willpower. I don’t though, I just left the work so damn late that I have no alternative. I also watch my nephew, Carter, most evenings, so I can’t just ditch him and go over to Eli’s. Scott, a friend of mine, drops around just as I’m finishing up my first manuscript. “How was the city?” he asks, spreading out on my bed like he lives here. Scott and I have slept together before, but we’re truly only friends now. I didn’t think that was possible before, but it definitely is, because I don’t see him as anything more now even though we know each other intimately. “It was good,” I tell him as I save my files. “Nice to get away for a little

bit. I think I ate everything I saw.” “Standard,” he says, grinning. “And let me guess, now you’re rushing to get your work done because you shouldn’t have taken a few days off in the first place?” I roll my eyes. “Who are you, the procrastination police?” “I don’t know how you remain employed,” he says, not for the first time. “I work for myself,” I tell him, spinning around on my chair. “And my boss happens to be very understanding.” “I’ll bet,” he says, scrolling through his phone. “So I have a question for you,” I start, licking my lips. “When men have a one-night stand, how do you know what the woman likes? Do you just guess? How does it work exactly?” Scott looks at me for a moment, then bursts out into laughter. “Taye, men don’t give a fuck about the woman when we have a one-night stand. We only worry about getting what we want. We fuck how we want to fuck. We get what we want. End of story.” I purse my lips. I’m sure that’s true in some cases, but surely not in all? “So, you don’t even care if we come or not?” He shrugs, brown eyes dancing with amusement. “Depends. If you come, it’s a bonus, but it’s not why we’re there. Why all the questions?” Men are pigs. I clear my throat, then admit to him, “I had a one-night stand and he was pretty much everything I’d want someone I’m fucking to be. The sex was passionate, and he was all pulling my hair and grabbing my throat and—” Scott lifts his hand up to stop me. “Yes, I get the picture. You know what, Taye? I can tell men how to get you into bed in three words.” I blink, then repeat, “You can what? Tell men how to get me into bed by using only three words?” “Yes.” “Fuck off, Scott.”

“I’m serious,” he says, smirking at me. “Are you ready?” He glances around the room, like he’s about to share a trade secret or something. “The three words are, ‘I am dominant.’” “So, I like my men a little dominant in the bedroom,” I say, squaring my shoulders. “It’s not a crime. It’s the only reason I fucked you, remember?” He throws a pillow at my head, and I, being uncoordinated, don’t duck in time so it hits me in the face. “And this is why we don’t do that stuff anymore.” “So, you had your first one-night stand, and he choked you, so now he’s your dream guy. Is that what I’m getting from this story? Fuck, Taye. You’re fucking crazy, you know that?” “Are you only realising this now? And when did I ever use the words ‘dream guy’?” I ask, arching a brow. “I’m meant to be the dramatic one here, Scott.” “And you are,” he says, studying me. “I don’t think you should romanticise this, Taye. He gave you what any guy would give you.” I puff out a breath. “Okay, Scott. Thanks for the advice and lecture. Should we go get something to eat?” He nods, and gets up off my bed. Am I romanticising this? No, I don’t think I am at all. He fucked me just how I like it, and I’m going back for more. That’s all it is.

Chapter Five “Hey, pretty lady,” he texts, making me smile at my phone like an idiot. “What time do you want me over tonight? I finish work at six.” Yes, I’ve invited him over for a few drinks tonight. However, we won’t be alone; two of my friends will be here, so it’s more friends hanging out than anything else. I don’t know how it ended up not just being us two, but I think it’s because I’m not a person to ditch my friends and the girls and I had already made plans to go out tonight. I know that they’re nosy and want to see who the man I’ve been going on about is, especially because Keisha got to meet him and they didn’t, so I just invited him over for drinks with us. It will be weird having him in my house, in my space, almost like I’m inviting him into my life. Flashbacks of the last time I saw him run through my mind—him fucking me from behind, his hand in my hair…. Again, after drinks here why are we going out tonight and not just fucking? Oh right, because he’s also super fun to go out with. The night will definitely end with us in bed though, so I don’t think I should complain. I can’t wait. I’m also excited just to hang out with him and get to know him a little. “Come over around eight. I need at least an hour to get ready,” I text back to him. “Well, I guess I’ll just brush my hair for an hour then,” is his smart-arse reply. “Maybe you should practice your dance moves,” I reply with a snicker. Eli told me that the way I was dancing was one of the first things he noticed about me. That, and my hair. I may or may not have challenged him to another dance battle, and this time he isn’t going to know what hit him. I’ve been working on my burlesque moves, and am going to incorporate them into my clubbing ones.

He’s going to love them. Maybe we’ll be leaving early. “Don’t need to, mine are ready to go. Are yours?” “You know they are.” He’s so confident and playful at the same time, a mix I don’t think I’ll ever tire of. Feeling excited, and a little nervous to see him again, I choose a dress for the night and lay it on my bed. I need to look amazing tonight. I only wear black and own more little black dresses than I’d like to admit. My wardrobe is the one the girls love to raid whenever they can’t find something to wear themselves. I have a long shower, iron my hair so it’s dead straight and almost reaching the curve of my arse, then apply some make-up—red lips and winged eyeliner. I put on my short, tight black dress and match it with a pair of black knee-high socks and block heels. I have a thing for socks, stockings, and knee-high boots; I happen to think they are all very sexy and make me feel the same. As soon as the girls arrive, I pour us all drinks and turn on the music as we all get ready. Eli messages again and asks what I want him to bring, but I tell him not to bother, because there is plenty of vodka here. He doesn’t need to bring anything except his damn self. “So, what time is Eli coming over?” Keisha asks as we set up the beer pong cups. We put vodka in them instead, because I don’t like beer. “Eight.” She takes a sip of her drink and studies me. “You never bring guys to your house to drink with us.” “I’ve brought guys here before,” I say, racking my brain. “What about….” Keisha arches a brow. “Yes?” Fuck. Surely there’s someone. Nope, she’s right. I haven’t brought anyone home to drink with us before. I’ve had guys over to spend the night, sure, but it’s only been me here. He’s already met Keisha though, so it’s not even a big deal. We’re just all going to go

out and have a good time. “Well there’s a first time for everything,” I say, lifting my chin. I check my phone to see a message from Eli, asking for my address. I send it to him quickly, butterflies in my stomach at the thought of him being here soon. “Let’s play,” Keisha says, her younger sister, Ellen, agreeing. “Should we play two against one?” “I’ll play the winner,” I say, smirking at the two of them. “Let’s see who survives.” They will already be drunk by the time it’s my turn. I watch the two of them play, cheering and hollering. I’m about to message Eli to ask him if he got lost when there’s a knock at the door. Keisha runs to the door before I can even get there, and I arrive just as he enters. “Hey,” I say, smiling at him. I step closer to him and give him a hug, then glance up at him. “What did you bring?” His hands are full. “I told you that you didn’t need to bring anything.” “Couldn’t show up empty-handed,” he says, blue eyes dancing with amusement. I lead him to the kitchen, introducing him to Ellen. He puts bottles of rum, Coke, and tequila on the table. The other day when we were chatting, I told him I only drink vodka and tequila. Earlier tonight I told him we had plenty of vodka here, so he brought tequila with him. Is it possible I just found a man that actually pays attention and listens to what I say? What an intriguing concept. “Thought I’d let you try my favourite tequila,” he says, while I take him in. He’s wearing a black shirt with dark jeans and looks so good that I can’t wait to see what’s underneath. When I meet his eyes, they’re already on me. He totally caught me checking him out, but I just grin. He can hardly blame me. He looks good, and he knows it, however I get the feeling that he doesn’t have a huge ego, or anything like that. I don’t think he cares about his looks too much; he’s

definitely not a pretty boy, although his face is handsome indeed. He’s more of a manly man, or at least that’s how I’m calling it. “Want to play with me?” I ask, nodding my head toward the pong table. “Yes, I do actually,” he says in a low tone, eyes flashing with something that will have to wait until we’re both alone. Did I just ask him if he wants to play with me? Yes, yes I did. I clear my throat, but instinctively take a step closer to him. I didn’t know what to expect from tonight besides some laughs and another round of delicious sex, but I almost forgot the pull this man has over me. I just want to be near him. That’s the only way I can explain it. And it’s not like me. I can be very standoffish, and have even been called cold. But around Eli? I’m not even warm, I’m scorching. Still, I’m not going to let off just how much I do want him. He can be kept guessing, just as I am. What goes through my mind and my actions can be two very different things. “Have you played before?” I ask, absently rubbing my hand along my collarbone. He shakes his head, eyes boring into mine. “No, but I’m a fast learner.” “I’ll bet you are,” I mutter under my breath, then turn and grab a plastic cup for him to drink out of. I eye the bottles of alcohol on the table. “That’s a lot of alcohol.” “Or not enough,” Ellen calls out. “Do you think people who are athletic and play sports are better at this game?” Keisha asks, and I grin because Nicky was saying something similar to me just the other day in regards to basketballers. Eli pours himself a drink while I get the table ready for our round. “Maybe,” I reply, standing at one side of the table. I don’t play any sport, and Eli looks like he does. His body is athletic and toned to perfection, although he did mention that he goes to the gym. He comes around to his side, and flashes me what I realise is his trademark wolfish grin.

“Ladies first,” he says, watching me beneath thick, dark lashes. I take the ball, make the throw, and miss. I really want to win this game. I feel like Eli always has the upper hand, even in something as trivial as this, and I don’t like to lose. He said he’s never played before, and I play a fair bit, so surely I can win. He misses his first, too. But when he gets his second, third, and fourth in, I start to get a little suspicious. Either he’s one of those guys who is just good at everything, or he has played this before. “Never played before, hey?” I rib. “Beginner’s luck,” he says, amusement etched all over his handsome face as I struggle to drink one of the cups. Definitely too much vodka in here. I usually excel at this game. I’ve only lost about twice in my entire vodka pong career, and I don’t like the fact that I’m losing right now. I can be a pretty competitive person, even with small things like this. I don’t like to lose. “That’s some luck,” I mutter, narrowing my eyes. He simply smiles at me from behind his cup, as he takes a leisurely drink. Not because he lost, and has to, but because he wants to. I get a few in, but not before he gets all of his in, and wins the game. I lost. How the hell did I lose? I narrow my eyes at him, watching him as he wins humbly, not making a big deal out of it. “Good game,” he says, nodding at me, acting as if he actually did think I was a decent player. But…. I didn’t win. So, not good enough, apparently. “I never lose,” I grumble, looking down into my vodka, the alcohol starting to hit me. “Next time we play doubles, you are so on my team.” If you can’t beat them, join them.

“Okay,” he chuckles, arm sliding around my waist. I rest my head on his chest, then glance up at him, and into blue eyes that must be breaking hearts on the regular. I need to make sure that my heart doesn’t add to his jar. No, really. That shit needs to be a priority. Whatever this thing is between us, I don’t need to become another casualty. “Closer” by the Chainsmokers starts to play, and I grin and say, “I love this song.” I take his hand in mine and lead him back to the kitchen, where I jump up on the counter and mouth along to the lyrics, drink in hand. The girls head out the front for a smoke, leaving Eli and I alone. I wrap my legs around him, and his hands rest on my hips, and before we can help it, his lips are on mine, and he’s giving me what I wanted the second I saw him walk through my door. My hands grip the back of his neck, pulling him even closer as we reacquaint ourselves, his tongue and taste was something I’ve been craving ever since I got in that cab and left his place. He pulls back and makes that growly hmmm sound, and I can’t help but lean forward for another kiss. He’s so fucking sexy, I don’t even know how I’m going to refrain from dragging him back to my room right now. It’s all I can think of doing. It’s him who pulls away. Later, I will learn the hard way that it will always be him who pulls away. Now though, I rest my forehead against his, and in a breathless voice say, “Hello.” There’s nothing else I can think to say. No witty comment, no smart-arse answer. Just hello. His kiss has stolen any coherent thought from me. I can’t see anything except Eli. His lips, his tongue. His scent. Okay, I need him to be inside me, right now. Surely the girls would give us an hour? Or four. Shit.

We should just go out for a little then find the closest bed. Or couch. Or table. Anywhere will do, really. He grins, eyes filling with amusement. “Hello, miss.” “It feels like so long since the last time I saw you,” I admit to him, running my fingers down his rough cheek. “I know,” he murmurs, thumb touching my bottom lip. “Because someone was responsible and wanted to do her work before she saw me.” “I think I deserve an award for that,” I say softly, pulling his lips back down to mine. I think I knew that if I saw him, it would probably be the first time I’d be late for a deadline, because he’d consume me, like he is right now. I break the kiss and look into his eyes. He tucks my hair back behind my ear, and rests his forehead against mine. What is he doing to me? I should run, but nothing in me will move. I know, just know, that this is going to hurt. But I also know that he’s going to be worth it. “You look beautiful,” he tells me, hands running down to my waist. “Thank you,” I smile up at him. “I’m glad you’re here.” Although it should have been just him here, and us fucking all night, not leaving the house at all. Did I bring the girls here tonight as a sort of wall between us? So that it became just friends hanging out instead of anything else? I don’t know how my mind works. Maybe I just wanted him to have a good time, since all he does it work, work and work. Yet here we are, my legs around his waist, looking into each other’s eyes, which isn’t like friends at all. At least not like any friends that I have. The girls return, and we all have a few more drinks, and a lot of chats. At one point, Eli stands in front of me, his back to my chest, as I rest my head on his shoulder. It comes so naturally to touch him, and I can’t explain why. I’m not a person who is like that usually. Nicky tells

me I’m a bad hugger, even when it comes to her, and I’m awkward about touching others in general. She is a hugger, so when we meet someone and she hugs them, I can’t exactly just stand there, and I’m forced to hug them, too. I don’t like it, but I do it. With Eli? I could be in his arms all day. My hugs aren’t awkward with him, they’re giving. His skin on mine feels like it’s meant to be there, and right now, me resting on him, I don’t want to move. Will I ever admit any of this out loud? No. Never. Eli pours us all shots of the tequila he brought, and I make a face as I swallow it. “I’m guessing you don’t like my favourite tequila then,” he teases, then laughs when I shake my head. “Why does it taste so bad? Normally I can down tequila like a pro.” It’s very strong. I knock over the packet of plastic shot glasses, and they fall everywhere. Eli bends down with me to pick them up. As our eyes lock, something passes between us. I don’t know what it is, exactly. There’s a pull between us. A tether. One I haven’t felt with anyone else before. One I’ve read about in books, but never thought ever actually existed in real life. He rises, then offers his hand to me, and I take it. When we’re both standing, I rest my cheek against his chest. I should probably question why I’m acting like this with him, so affectionate and friendly, like I’ve known him for a long time. Like we’re comfortable with each other. The truth of the situation is something completely different. I don’t know him, and he doesn’t know me. This is only the second time I’ve met him, and both times we’ve been drunk. Sure,

we’ve been chatting back and forth every day, but it’s not the same as actually knowing someone. I know his mind though, and that’s what I find so attractive about him. Along with everything else, apparently. Keisha and Eli step out for a smoke, while Ellen and I chat, both sitting on my kitchen counter. I don’t like that Eli smokes. My ex used to smoke and it would always give me migraines, bad ones that I’d have to lie down for hours. Apparently, I don’t mind the smell of smoke on this man, although with my ex, I’d make him change clothes before he was even allowed to come near me. “How hot is he?” I say, smiling dreamily. Ellen rolls her eyes at me. They’re probably wondering why I’m acting so infatuated, especially when they’ve never seen me like this around anyone else. She’s much younger than me, but I see her as family too. I’ve known Keisha for years because she was actually a friend of my younger brother’s. She’s the definition of friends that turned into family. I don’t know how it happens, but we finish all the alcohol. All of it. I head into my bedroom to reapply my lipstick in the mirror on my dressing table, then sit down on the bed as I tie up the lace on my heels that has fallen loose. My bedroom door is right near the kitchen, and they can all see me as I walk inside. Eli appears at the open door and takes a quick glance around. Him being in my room right now is probably not the best idea, especially when he closes the door behind him, then casually sits on my bed next to me, close but not touching. I like him in my space. I don’t fucking like anyone in my space. Tension builds between us, the air thickening, and I swallow hard, wanting him to reach out, grab me, kiss me, anything. But he doesn’t. I lick my lips and turn my body towards him, wanting him to take the hint, but he remains still. I wait for a few seconds, but he makes no move to touch me. So, I reach out and touch him instead.

Chapter Six I cup his rough cheek and turn his face towards me, then gently tug on his beard and bring his face close to mine so I can taste his lips. I might start the kiss, but he finishes it, his tongue working against mine, his lips leaving my dizzy. The door opens, and I whip my head around. “Cab is on the way,” Ellen says, smirking. “Okay. Can you just give us five minutes?” I plead to her. She nods and closes the door behind her. Five minutes isn’t going to cut it, but beggars can’t be choosers. Feeling bold, I straddle his lap and kiss him again, grinding down on his cock. My hands on his face, I hungrily kiss him, my tongue tasting and searching. His hands lower to touch the globes of my arse, my dress now ridden up and exposing my panties. He makes a sound deep in his throat that has me wanting to undo his jeans, not caring who comes in or sees. Maybe I could have a quick taste? I could drag him into the bathroom and get on my knees in front of him; there’s a lock on that door, so no one could interrupt. He touches my leg and groans, “You know, not all women can pull off the knee-high thing, but with you it should be mandatory.” Mandatory? I grin. What should be mandatory is him fucking me every day and night. I lift his shirt up, exposing his abs, and he lifts his hands so I can pull it off him. Apparently he isn’t going to be the voice of reason either, because he isn’t stopping this even though the girls could walk in at any time now, and we have to leave any minute. I don’t give a fuck, either. I’ve never needed someone inside me as much as I want him in this very moment. I can feel his hard cock straining against his jeans, and I make a soft sound of want. My hand is on his zipper when the door suddenly slams back open.

“Time to go, wrap this up, arseholes!” Ellen calls, then pauses. “Whoa, were you guys about to fuck? Awkward. I don’t care, we’re going out. You can fuck later.” The door closes. Eli rolls me over onto my back and lifts my arms above my head, pinning them to the mattress. “You drive me fucking crazy.” “Feeling is mutual.” “How the hell am I meant to go out like this?” he asks, grinding his hips into me to emphasize just what ‘this’ is. “I want you so badly, too. Just because you can’t see it…. You have no idea how wet I am for you right now.” He all but jumps off me and stands by the bed, hands moving to behind his neck. He stares at me in utter frustration, then paces up and down my room a few times, as if trying to calm himself down. I roll over onto my stomach then slide off the bed onto my knees, my dress riding up again, showing him everything while my face is shoved into the sheets. I don’t want to go out. They can’t make me. “You have got to be kidding me,” Eli growls, and I lift my head and turn to look at him. His eyes are on my arse, and the back of my exposed thighs. I pull my dress down, then stand up. We look at each other. His chest is rising, up and down, and I lick my lips, and look down his body. Fuck, he’s a sight. The door opens again, and Eli storms out without his shirt. I grab it, along with my handbag, and leave my room. I guess we’re fucking going out.

***** I’m sitting in between Keisha and Eli in the back seat of the cab, trying to

put my seat belt in the buckle, but for some reason it won’t cooperate. Eli is reading something on his phone, and Keisha is doing a little wiggly dance move next to me, excited to be going out. “It won’t go in,” I grumble, fiddling with it. “That’s what she said,” Keisha unsurprisingly snickers from next to me. I playfully nudge her, then continue my attempt at car safety. “Wait, she’s not wearing her seat belt, can you stop for a second?” Eli asks the cab driver in a stern tone. It’s a bit excessive, I think, and the look I get from Keisha lets me know she thinks the same. I don’t know why he does this, or why he would tell the driver to stop, but the driver does, pulling over onto the side of the empty road. Eli leans over, his chest against my breasts, and buckles it for me with a simple click. “Thanks,” I say, lifting my legs up and resting them on top of his thighs. I always want to be touching him in some way or another. This is probably not a good thing, considering the circumstances. “Okay, we’re good. Thanks,” I tell the driver. The rest of the drive is fairly uneventful. When we get there, we head into our first stop. I notice Eli acting a little differently, his playfulness gone. Maybe he’s just really drunk? I don’t know. I put my hand on his chest and he looks down at it, then back at me. “Do you want a drink?” I shake my head. He gets himself one, and I’m left wondering what changed him in the course of the ten-minute drive here. He acts distant for the rest of the night, and soon, we lose him. I have no idea where he went, so I send him a quick message letting him know where we are in case he tries to find us, and then try and have a good night with the girls. “I went home. Have a good night.” He went home? Just like that? Is he joking? We were meant to go home together, after having a fun night out, drinking and dancing and teasing and laughing, and he just goes home?

I tell Keisha and Ellen, and they’re both confused and unimpressed. “Why didn’t he just say bye?” Keisha asks, looking annoyed. She stumbles a little on her feet, before steadying herself. “That’s kind of rude, Taye. Come on, we’re not going to let it ruin our night though. Tonight is going to be a great night, don’t you think?” I wish I had the answer for that, but I don’t. So instead, I do what I always do. I play it off. “It’s fine,” I say, forcing a smile. “And yes, it will be a great night. Let’s go have a shot.” Keisha is right; I’m not going to let this ruin my night. Sure, I feel a little confused and let down, especially knowing that I won’t be having any hot sex tonight. It’s a little frustrating because we’ve been talking about it for over a week now, wanting to get our hands on each other again, but he just bailed without so much as a ‘see you later.’ I don’t get men sometimes. Make that all the time. For the rest of the night, I dance, I laugh, I smile. Hell, I even flirt, and enjoy the attention I get from other men. But in the back of my mind I can’t escape the feeling that wherever Eli is—that’s where I’d rather be right now. And that isn’t how it’s meant to be. I can’t get feelings for a guy who is leaving. I think I have a type, and that type happens to be emotionally unavailable. Eli has so many amazing qualities, and we have the best banter and deep conversations. I don’t know how he does it, to be honest, being so open and having no boundaries with me, taking the time to understand me, and show me that I’m not too much for a man to handle, but at the same time, he doesn’t want me completely. He just wants a taste, I guess. Or maybe not even that. Because his actions tonight have me questioning everything. Maybe it’s best to just forget I ever met him.

***** I get home from the club at 4:00 a.m., but once I’m showered and in my bed, I still can’t sleep. I think it’s a mix of the energy drinks I consumed along with my thoughts of Eli. When my phone beeps with a message from him, I don’t even want to look. I know I sent him something in my drunken angry state, and I can’t even remember what I said. With a groan, I open the message. “Sorry, I had to get up for work and didn’t want to ruin your fun.” I call bullshit. I can be a very blunt, forward type of girl at times, and I’m definitely not going to let this go until I understand exactly what happened. “Pretty sure we were meant to leave together, Eli. And now I’m grumpy and sexually frustrated and wondering what your deal is?” I reply. Don’t think you can get any more honest than that. “I could drop over now before I head to work?” is his reply. The fucked-up thing is, I actually consider it. I did want to fuck him, and I wanted him in my bed. I wanted a repeat of our first night together, that uninhibited wild sex that I’ve been craving ever since he gave me my first taste. But now? I’m annoyed. Does this man owe me anything? No. Nothing at all. But that doesn’t mean he can treat me however he feels. If he had to leave, that’s fine. But common courtesy would say he should have come and said bye. I’m a person that, if you go out with me, I will always make sure you get home safely. That’s how I’ve always been. I’m that annoying friend that will ring your phone a hundred times even if you’re out fucking someone just because I need to know that you’re okay. “I can’t,” I text back, because I actually can’t. Carter will be coming over

here in an hour; I have to watch him because Seth has work. We had a plan, it wasn’t followed, and now I’m horny and going to be grumpy for the rest of the day. I had fantasized so many times what I wanted to do to him, what I wanted him to do to me… and now, I’m going to have to see if he still wants to help me play that out, or if he’s changed his mind, going by his sudden coldness. Then again, he did offer to drop by this morning, so I guess he still wants to fuck me. Maybe he was just having a bad night? Maybe he drank too much? He did have an amount that would have put me in hospital. I don’t know. I put my phone on silent and try to get a little rest before I need to be switched on and happy in front of my nephew. Who knew meaningless sex could be so complicated?

Chapter Seven I take Carter to the park, and get us some ice cream. Watching his dark head of hair running around and flying everywhere makes me grin. “How are you feeling?” Eli messages, as if he suddenly cares. Okay, I might be a tad dramatic at times, but I really don’t have time in my life for someone who is flaky or makes me question myself. Does he want me or not? Maybe the question should be, how much of me does he want? I’ve never been one to go where I’m not wanted; I know my worth. I don’t know the real reason he bailed last night, but he is messaging me today, so maybe it was just a bad night, or maybe he wasn’t in a good mood, although I don’t know what put him into a bad one. “Not too bad. You?” I type back, lifting my head to watch Carter. With his brown eyes and olive skin, he’s the spitting image of our side of the family, our Sri Lankan heritage passed on to him. “Taye, watch this!” he yells, going higher on the swing. “Awesome, Carter.” I grin, taking a quick photo of him to give to my brother. The kid laughs, and I think I feel my heart explode. Seth is a young father, and with Carter’s mother out of the picture, I do what I can to help. He’s with me a lot of the time, and I like it that way. I’m close with my brother, although we don’t always see eye to eye. He can be overprotective, even though he’s younger, but he can also be very judgemental, so it’s hard because there are things I don’t tell him, and things I don’t want him to know about, mostly to do with men. “Yeah, I feel fine now. I might have Monday off, do you want to do something?” he asks. I reread the text message twice. He wants to spend his day off with me? Is this him trying to make up for what happened last night? “Sounds good.”

I want him again, and I’m going to have him. That’s the bottom line of this whole situation. He’s leaving, there’s no end game, I should just enjoy the time I have with him. I shouldn’t overthink anything, which I will admit is a problem for me. For once though, I want to just feel, and not worry about anything else. I deserve to have sex with this man, amazing sex. And I’m going to.

***** I’m not a woman who does ‘day’ dates. Don’t ask me out for coffee, or lunch. I like going out at night, where I’m dressed up, my hair and make-up is perfect, and I’m in a little black dress. That’s my comfort zone. That’s when I feel like I’m invincible. But as I iron my hair and look in the mirror, ready to go to Eli’s house at 11:00 a.m., sun shining brightly outside, I wonder just how many rules I’m going to break for this man. Still, I’m not going for coffee or lunch, I’m going for rough, hard sex, and orgasms, so I suppose it’s okay. That’s something I can get on board with any time of the day or night. I call a cab to drop me off there, because my brother took my car, and wait for it to pick me up. I’m wearing a casual black day dress and sandals, with natural make-up, just a little foundation to cover my freckles, and some mascara. I look cute; I think I do, at least. When I pull up to his place, he comes out and pays the cab driver before I can, the female driver loving his act of chivalry, ignoring me trying to poke my card in her direction. How he has managed to annoy me before we’ve even spoken a word, I have no idea. It must be a talent of his. When I see a truck parked out the front of his house, a man walking inside, I turn to him and say, “Why is there someone at your house?” I probably should have said something nice, like hello, ask him how he is maybe, but these are the first words that fly out of my mouth.

“Yeah,” Eli says, smirking. There is amusement written all over his face. “He pulled up just before your cab did.” Of course he did. He clearly finds this amusing, while I do not. How are we meant to fuck if one of his work mates is over? He leads me inside, and his friend says hi to me. I say hello in return, cringing as Eli closes the door behind after we head into his room. Great, his friend is only a few metres on the other side of the door, and of course he knows what we’re doing. Does this mean I have to try and be quiet? I don’t know if I’d be any good at that, especially with the way he fucks. And his tongue. Can’t forget the tongue. I sit down on the bed and flash Eli a less-than-impressed look that he just chuckles at. “He’s going to hear,” I say, a half assed protest. I don’t care who can hear, if I’m being honest with myself. I just want him. “Who cares?” he says, lifting my dress up over my head. Straight to business, hey? I approve. “Is he your friend? Because it’s rude if we’re in here and he’s out there. Should we sit out there with him for a while?” I rant, even though my dress is already off and it’s the last thing I want to be doing right now. I don’t know why I’m caring what the fuck he’s friend is doing right now. “He’s just finishing some work and then he’ll go,” he replies, unfazed. “He’s not here to hang out with me, he had to pick some stuff up.” I feel like this still isn’t a great excuse, but then he looks at me like he wants to devour me and I want nothing more than to let him. His lips slam down on mine and he kisses me deeply while his roaming hands undo my bra and push me back onto the bed in one quick movement. I run my fingers up his back, bringing his T-shirt with them, a silent hint that I want it

off. He breaks the kiss to pull it off, while I slide my bra straps down my arms and throw it onto the floor. When he’s back on me, it’s skin against skin, my pebbled nipples pressed against his chest. He looks into my eyes for a second before kissing my lips, then my jawline, and then down my neck. Neck kisses are my weakness, and by this point, I’m ready for him to just fuck me hard, but he continues the torture, now paying attention to my breasts. Cupping them in his hands, he sucks on one nipple, biting it gently, then moving to the other. He then moves down my stomach, sliding my panties down and off me completely. I feel a little vulnerable for a moment, his face right in front of my pussy in broad daylight. There’s nothing he can’t see of me right now; he’s up close and personal. Yes, he’s seen everything before, but it wasn’t in the daylight and we were both drunk. Right now, it’s a completely different ball game, and it’s much more personal. When his tongue swipes over my clit, though, and then inside me, I forget all my insecurities and spread my thighs further apart while he licks me all over, in, and around my pussy. Lifting my hips up, silently begging for more, I both love and hate his teasing. Fuck, what he does to me. He takes his mouth away from me, and I want it back. What I get is his cock instead though, so I definitely won’t be complaining. He slides into me and lifts my thighs up, putting my legs over his shoulders as he starts to thrust inside me, starting off slow. He then starts to move his hips, faster and harder, our eyes locked on one another. I reach up and tug on his beard, so he lowers his face to kiss me. I taste myself on him, and it turns me on even more, driving me even wilder. In an instant he pulls out of me and rolls me over to my side, sliding back into me. He pushes my hair off my neck, and places a kiss there, while his other hand rests on my hip. I turn my head to the side to look at him, both of our eyes heavy lidded, both of us lost in the pleasure. When I come, I try to look away from him, but I can’t. I let him see in my eyes what he’s doing to me, I let him watch as wave after wave hits me, let him see the moment where nothing matters but this—

the pleasure he’s giving me. I let him see me uncensored, uninhibited. Just me. Raw. I show him everything, I give him everything. Nothing is off limits to this man. In this moment, everything that he wants he can take; everything I have is his. Nothing else matters right now. When I come back to myself, I look at him in such a way that he asks me, “What’s that face for?” I don’t know what face I’m making right now, but the way he’s fucking me, the way he’s looking at me, right in the eye. The way he holds me, so possessively, hand on my throat, or my nape, or tangled in my hair. I think this is how men make women crazy.

***** “What star sign are you?” I ask him sleepily, my eyes closed, my head on his chest. His fingers soothingly run over my scalp and through my hair, the sensation making me almost fall asleep. “Virgo, why?” he asks in that deep tone of his. “Just wondering,” I say, not telling him that I’m kind of into star signs. Not the day-to-day crap, but the traits and qualities of each sign can be very interesting. “Doesn’t that mean your birthday is this month?” His hand pauses. "Yeah, it is.” “When?” I ask, perking up. I’m big on birthdays. I order cakes for the whole year in January, making sure no one misses out, and each cake is more extravagant than the next. Everyone I care about gets spoilt with presents, surprises, and parties. It’s just who I am, and what I like to do for the important people in my life. “Why?” he asks, fingers now moving to my neck. “Because I want to know?”

I can hear the grin in his voice when he says, “Not telling.” “Why not?” I ask, annoyance filling me. Such a small bit of information, and he’s treating it like it’s a national secret or something. He does this, I’ve noticed. He doesn’t really like telling personal information about himself. I wonder why that is? “Because I don’t really make a big deal about my birthday,” he explains. “It’s just another day, you know? I actually forgot it was my birthday until my brother mentioned it.” “Is your brother older or younger?” I ask, listening intently, and holding on to every bit of information he gives me. I want to know everything about him, but it’s hard when he’s so closed off. Why do you want to get to know him when he’s leaving anyway? I ignore that thought that runs through my mind. “Younger.” “I have a younger brother, too,” I say, lifting my head and propping my chin on his chest so I can look at him. “I want to know when your birthday is so we can celebrate. Just because you’re here without your friends and family doesn’t mean we can’t make it a good one for you.” He rolls me over and kisses me. What he doesn’t do is answer my question. A few minutes later, while I’m going down on him, licking the head of his cock and looking up at him all seductively, I ask again, “When is your birthday?” He makes a choked sound, a kind of laugh, but shakes his head. “Not telling.” Fuck. He won’t even tell me his birthday while I have his dick in my mouth? The man has some willpower. You’d think I was asking him for his credit card number or something, but no, just his birthdate so I can do something nice for him. How stubborn can one man be? Maybe I need to up my game a little. I take as much of him as I can deep into my mouth, sucking hard, my cheeks hollowed, gagging a

little when he hits the back of my throat. “How about now?” I ask when I release him with an audible pop. “You’re used to getting your way,” he says, a statement, not a question. Am I meant to answer that? I don’t know how to without incriminating myself further, so I just shove his cock back in my mouth. Is this why he won’t tell me anything? Because apparently I’m used to getting my way? So what if I am? He’s infuriating. And addictive.

***** We fuck again before I need to get home. We chat about everything. His family, mine, his work. I talk about my job. I ask him personal questions women probably shouldn’t ask a man that isn’t theirs, but he answers without blinking. I ask how many women he’s been with, he says he doesn’t know. Because there’s so many? Or does he just not want to answer? I tell him about my ex-boyfriend, and why things didn’t work out. I tell him how I haven’t properly dated anyone in the last two years because I haven’t met anyone worthy of dating. He tells me that the reason he left the club that night, the reason he turned cold, was that he got some bad news from home. He was on his phone in the cab, so it makes sense. I don’t push him to tell me what that news was, and he doesn’t share. With the way he shut down though, he clearly has another side to him that I haven’t seen. I guess everyone does, though. The cab picks me up, and Eli walks me out the front shirtless. He’s so confident in his own skin; it’s like being with or without clothes doesn’t matter to him. I’ve never met anyone like that before. I wish I could be like that. He really is one of a kind. And I already can’t wait to see him again.

Chapter Eight That night, Eli admits to me that it’s his birthday. That night. So I have no time to organise anything. He also, last minute, invites me out for a drink, but I’m watching Carter and can’t leave. How is this fair? I want to be with him on his birthday, and I could have if he’d given me even a little notice. He should have just told me yesterday when I had his cock in my mouth that his birthday was the very next day. He’s so unbelievable. The thought of him being out alone sucks; no one should be alone on their birthday. Hopefully his work mates will do something nice for him. I give Carter a bath after dinner and then put him to bed, and then try and get some work done. I wonder if we could do a do-over birthday for Eli, where I can get him a cake or something. He’d hate that though, since he says he doesn’t like anyone to make a big deal or fuss over him, but I really would like to do something nice. Will he let me though? I don’t want to cross any lines. He’s not mine, and I don’t want him to think I’m acting like he is. At the same time, a birthday should be celebrated, and it’s something I’d do for any one of my friends or family members. Maybe I could do something for him, but tone myself down a little, so it’s not out there? I send him a message and ask him if he wants to do dinner and drinks tomorrow. I can buy him dinner, cake for dessert, and then we can have a few drinks. That sounds like a fair compromise. It’s not like I’m going to show up at the pub with a huge cake, although the thought did cross my mind. My cake lady needs notice though, and she isn’t going to whip up something last minute for me. Surely me taking him out for dinner will be a nice gesture, and I hope he knows that I do care about him even if this is all we’ll ever have. I turn my laptop on just as he replies with, “Sounds good.” I imagine him sitting there alone at the bar. Yeah, he won’t be sitting there

alone for long, now will he? I grit my teeth and force myself to do some work, all the while chanting, ‘he’s not mine’ in the back of my mind. He is not mine.

***** I meet Eli at the pub after my burlesque dance class, and Keisha joins us for one drink before heading home. “How was dance?” he asks as we sit side by side, my shoulder touching his. “It was pretty good,” I say, nodding. “We’re learning a new routine.” “You’ll have to show me sometime,” he teases, keeping his eyes on me. “Maybe I will.” I arch a brow. We start drinking, and besides some potato skins to snack on, neither of us feels like eating. He also doesn’t let me pay for any of the drinks, which defeats the whole purpose of me trying to treat him for his birthday. A total birthday fail. “Will you at least let me buy you some cake? They have good cheesecake here,” I say. I’ve wanting to taste the chocolate cheesecake for a while now. “Is the cheesecake for me or you?” he asks, chuckling. “Why can’t it be for both of us?” I reply, lifting my chin. “You’re not making this whole wanting to spoil you for your birthday thing easy on me, are you?” He really is something else. I don’t know why I smile when I think of how difficult and stubborn he is. I think there’s something wrong with me. We order more drinks. I try to pay, but none of the bartenders take my money, they always take his. Don’t get me wrong, I think the man paying is gentlemanly, and all that, but him paying all the time is absolutely ridiculous. He’s like one of those over the top alpha males I like to read about, but never knew

existed in real life. Where did this man come from? I don’t want to get used to this, to him, because I have a feeling that once he leaves, no one else is really going to compare. I really shouldn’t be thinking like this at all. We walk to the next bar and have a drink there. “Do you play pool?” I ask him. “Maybe. Do you?” I shrug. “A little.” He barks out a laugh. “What’s the bet you’re a pool shark?” I laugh at that. “I’m not. I haven’t played in years.” And that’s the truth. We had a pool table growing up, and we played a lot, but I haven’t played in a long time and don’t think I’d be very good anymore. In fact, I know I’m not because I played a game with Keisha a few weeks back. “What about you?” I ask. “I bet you’re great at pool too. You’re good at everything.” “No, I’m not,” he denies. “Vodka pong?” I say with an arched brow and a smug look. He flashes me a grin. “Beginner’s luck.” “How long are you going to use that excuse for?” I ask, rolling my eyes. “I doubt very much that is the case.” “Yeah, okay,” he says, laughing. “I might have even been playing most of those shots left-handed.” My jaw drops. “Are you kidding me?” Not only did he beat me, but he did it left-handed? “Talk about adding insult to injury.” He wraps his arm around me, and I melt in to his hard body. “I might have played a few drinking games in my time, miss.” I grin against his red flannel. “You played me.” I actually thought he was telling the truth when he acted like he’d never played before.

He laughs, finding my outrage amusing. “I even tried to let you win, you know.” Of course he did. “I demand a rematch,” I announce, lifting my head and narrowing my eyes at him. “And this time, Eli, I’m going to win.” “We’ll see,” he says, grinning. “You’re a little competitive, aren’t you?” “As if you’re not,” I say, arching my brow. “Perhaps I’ve met my match then.” His eyes dance with amusement. “Perhaps you have,” I declare, then ask him something else. “Why are you single, Eli?” In my eyes, he is the perfect man. I’m sure he’s not perfect, no one is, but he’s perfect for me. Beautifully flawed, he has an edge to him that I quite enjoy. But that heart? That heart is pure gold. And that is what speaks to me. “I was in a serious relationship a while back,” he says, taking a sip of his drink. “It didn’t work out. I don’t want a relationship now, especially with my job. I’m always travelling, you know? It just doesn’t work out with my lifestyle. I’d rather be single, it’s just easier.” I definitely hear what he’s saying, but I don’t think anything is impossible if you want it badly enough. So all I hear is that he doesn’t want me badly enough. That I’m not his exception. “Fair enough,” is all I can think to say. I wonder whom the woman is who let him go. She must be the stupidest woman on the face of the earth. I’d be so good to this man, but you can’t love someone into loving you. And I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to convince anyone to want to be with me. I’m a good woman—I’m beautiful and loyal, smart and thoughtful. Women like me are about as rare as men like him. Do I love him right now? No. But I could. I know I could. “My ex put me on a pedestal. I thought that’s what I wanted, but it wasn’t. I’d bat my eyelashes and get pretty much anything I wanted, but what I really want is someone to challenge me and make me better, you know?”

“If you bat your eyelashes at me all you’re going to get is sex,” is his swift reply. The look in his eyes tells me that he means it. He’s not going to give me anything he doesn’t want to, and I can’t charm him into it. Fuck, he’s hot. I grin, bat my eyelashes, lift my hand and touch his bicep, and flash him a look I know he will understand. Enough talking, it’s time to play. His gaze lowers to my lips, and as if unable to help himself, he lowers his head to give me a quick kiss. That’s one way to shut me up and calm me down at the same time. I forget about the fact that he will never be mine and say, “I think we should go home now.” “My place or yours?” is all he asks. “Mine,” I say, standing. And we better get there quickly, too.

***** My grip loosens on my headboard as I let go and slide off him, practically falling onto the mattress beside him. I turn to look at him the same time he does me. “What the hell am I going to do when you leave?” I’m getting used to this, the amazing sex and even better company. I know I should just enjoy it and then say bye to him, but I’m greedy, and I don’t want to let go of it. I know I have to, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel a little sooky over it. “I have to leave eventually, Taye,” he says, brushing the hair off my forehead. “You always knew I would.” I did, yes, but that doesn’t change how I’m feeling right now. Doesn’t he feel this between us? The pull. The want. The need. There’s something trying to tether us together, and he’s either fighting it or ignoring it. That, or maybe I’m feeling all of these things alone. I don’t know what’s worse. I’ve

never felt this way before, and now that I have, how am I meant to just carry on without it? Yes, we’ve only just met, and yes, I don’t really know him. But my gut is telling me I need to, that this could be something I’ve only read about in books. “When do you think you’ll be leaving?” I ask him, closing my eyes and just enjoying the feel of him next to me. “Maybe in a week or two. I usually don’t find out until the day before,” he explains. He sounds like he doesn’t mind. He likes his work, and I think he likes the unpredictability of it. I think Eli is a man who thrives off excitement, adventure, and new experiences. He knows nothing is permanent, and he’s okay with that. He just enjoys the now, and doesn’t worry about the future. It must be freeing to live like that. I, on the other hand, am a woman of routine. I’m a homebody; I don’t mind staying in the house all day, cooking, reading, or watching movies. I don’t mind being alone either. I like to go on adventures, I like to travel, but all of that is quite planned out and organized. Nothing I do is really spontaneous. I wonder if that part of me would bore him. Maybe he’d want to be with someone a little more exciting. “You could get a job here,” I blurt, regretting the words as soon as they leave my mouth. Apparently, I’ve lost my damn mind. Oh, and my dignity too. He’s said what this is, and what it isn’t, but I keep pushing him. It’s not even the fact that I’m used to getting what I want, men included, but I don’t remember wanting something, or someone, this much. I know it’s ridiculous for him to even consider taking a job here. We just met, for starters. If he lived here, it would be different, I think. I don’t want to rush into anything either, and I don’t like the all-or-nothing option we have going on, but the bottom line is, if I had my way he wouldn’t be leaving. We’d get to know each other, spend more time together, fuck… a lot. Laugh even more. Instead all we get is a taste of what could have been if things were

different. If we were different. I have a feeling that this taste is going to stay with me for a long time to come. Such a short time with him, yet he’s shown me many things. I like that. He can teach me so much, and not just in the bedroom. I wish he could see himself through my eyes. “I actually did get offered a job here,” he coolly says. My eyes open. “Really?” I ask, trying to keep my tone casual. “And what did you say?” I hold my breath, waiting for his reply. “I couldn’t live here, Taye. It’s too cold. I like to be in the heat,” is his less than positive reply. I don’t know what I was hoping for, because he obviously isn’t staying, so he clearly didn’t take the job, but apparently he didn’t even consider it either. Because, you know, the weather. And of course there is nothing else to even tempt him into staying here. It kind of hurts, although the realist in me completely agrees with his logic. The bottom line is, I’m being ridiculous right now. I feel like someone should give my heart the memo. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to try and see each other as much as we can before you leave,” I say, running my index finger down the middle of his chest. A change of subject is definitely in order, and sex is the one thing we have in common, the one thing we’re united on. When he rolls on top of me and kisses me deeply, I know he agrees.

Chapter Nine “You have DJ goggles,” I tell Nicky, who starts cracking up laughing. “What?” “You do. Every time we go out, even if the DJ isn’t hot, you think he is, just because he’s a DJ. DJ goggles.” She doesn’t bother to deny it, she just laughs into the phone. “As if you don’t have your own goggles.” “Yeah, I have vodka goggles,” I say, grinning. “Drunk me finds certain men hot that I normally might not, but I don’t get off on DJs, unlike someone I know.” “I just get good music played,” she huffs, but I can hear the smile in her tone. “You should be thanking me, Taye.” “Well the men definitely don’t stand a chance with your charm,” I tease. The woman is not only beautiful, but witty, friendly, and charismatic. Anyone she sets her sights on doesn’t stand a chance. “That’s true,” she replies casually. Yeah, we don’t really have any confidence problems. “How is Eli?” “Yeah, good,” I say, smiling at just the thought of the enigmatic man. “I’m seeing him on Saturday. He doesn’t know when he’s leaving, but it’s probably going to be soon.” “Well, you knew it was coming,” she says. Nicky is half realist, half dreamer, and you never know which one you’re going to get when you speak to her. To be honest, I probably need her to be the realist, because I’m a dreamer and hopeless romantic myself. I think that love should conquer all, and that it can. So does Nicky, but unlike me she looks at the facts of the situation. “Yeah, I know,” I say, sounding grumpy. “It just sucks, is all. You know how rare it is for me to meet someone I actually like and want to spend time with?”

“I know,” she says, sounding sad for me. “But there will be other guys, Taye. You will miss him for a while, but then you’ll get over it.” I sure as fuck hope so.

***** I roll over in bed and look at him. “I’ve never had a one-night stand before. You were meant to be it.” “I definitely don’t qualify anymore,” he says, amusement lacing his tone. “And I’m pretty fucking happy about that, actually.” “You better be.” I smile into the darkness of the room. “I have a list of all the things I want to experience.” “What kind of things?” he asks, sounding curious. “Sexual things, mostly,” I admit. “I’ve always acted how I thought I was meant to, not how I secretly want to, if that makes sense? Only now am I really exploring my more… wild side.” “I knew you had a wild side from the second I saw you, Taye,” he says to me. “How?” I ask, intrigued. Men I’ve dated and spent a lot of time with have never picked up on anything like that, have never known the real me, yet he does after just meeting me? Drunk and in a club? “The look in your eyes. The way you were dancing. I knew it straight away.” I reach for him, because in this moment I don’t have a choice but to. I just want to be near him, closer, as close as I can. “You liked my dance moves, didn’t you?” I grin, resting my head on his chest. “Yet still challenged me to a dance-off.” “I’ll always challenge you,” he says in a low tone. “And I’ll always accept the challenge,” I say, placing a kiss on his stomach.

“I know,” he says, fingers running down my bare back. “You’re stubborn and don’t like to lose. I don’t think there’s many things you wouldn’t be up for.” He pauses. “Well, except one thing.” “What is that?” I ask, eyes narrowing. He barks out a laugh, and then murmurs, “Never mind.” “Fuck off, you have to tell me now,” I say, wondering what it could be. When it hits me, I start laughing. “Is this about the anal thing? How I said no to you on the first night? By the way, who the hell tries to fuck someone in the arse on the first night anyway?” Or ever. I’m a butt virgin, so obviously I wasn’t going to give that up to a one-night stand. “I’ll have you know, some women even prefer it,” he says, not sounding fazed. “I don’t really see the big deal about it, though.” “Says the man who wanted it on the first night,” I tease, body shaking in silent laughter. “You’re used to getting anything you want, aren’t you? You said that about me, but you’re the exact same. I’m sure not many women say no to the famous Eli….” I pause. “I just realised I don’t even know your surname.” “I told you on that first night we met,” he says, sounding smug that the tables have turned a little, the focus now on me. “Don’t you remember?” “No,” I admit, cringing. “Well,” he says, running his thumb over one of my nipples. “That’s not my fault now, is it?” “Eli,” I growl. “Is that not on your list then?” “What?” I ask. “Anal?” “Yeah.” “No, it’s not,” I tell him. “Why?” “Just curious. What is on there then?” he asks, fingers wandering down to my thighs.

I clear my throat as his finger starts gently running over my clit. “Ummm.” “Yes?” he prompts, tone gone husky. “Sex on the beach, on the sand and in the water,” I start, licking my lips. “In other public places, maybe. Like a restroom.” “Classy,” he teases, and I bite down on his nipple, silently telling him to be quiet. “What else, miss?” “I want you to come in my mouth,” I admit in a low tone. “You haven’t done that yet.” “Okay,” he says, voice a deep growl. “What else?” “I want you to tie me up, I want you to dominate me completely. I want to experiment in bondage. I want to be your plaything.” “Fucking hell. Everything on that list, Taye, I’m going to tick off for you.” “We don’t have time—” “We’ll make the best of the time we do have,” he says, kissing my neck. “I want you again.” “Then take me,” I whisper, bringing his lips to mine. How am I always wet and ready for him? I’ve never been like this with anyone else, so easy with my affection and my body, so giving without him even having to ask for anything. He kisses me softly at first, then deepens the kiss, cupping my face with his hands and moaning at the taste of me. “Fuck, Taye,” he grits out, moving his mouth down my jawline, then lower, to my breasts, then even lower than that. He makes that mmm growling sound, that if possible, makes me even wetter. I love his mouth on me almost as much as I love him inside me. “Eli,” I breathe, fingers clasping the bed sheets. He might not be mine, but right now, in this moment, he is, and that’s going to have to be enough for me. Because it’s all I’ll be getting.

***** Now and again I like to sing karaoke at the pub. I’m not an amazing singer, but I’m not bad either. I used to sing in front of my school a fair bit growing up. My family are very musically talented, and most of us can sing to some extent. Drunk me likes to think I’m much better than I am. “Is someone singing my song?” I ask Ellen, scowling as I hear ‘Ironic’ by Alanis Morissette. “Yes,” she says, frowning. “What are you going to sing now?” “I don’t know,” I say, then mutter, “I would have sung it better.” “Yes, you would have,” she says, placing a bet. I’m not a gambler. I don’t have luck, so I don’t bother. While she’s busy gambling, I order us two more drinks. Eli said he would meet me out tonight, but he’s having dinner with his boss first. “When is Eli meeting you?” “Not sure,” I say, paying the bartender. “Waiting for his message.” “You know, I didn’t like him when I first met him,” she says, eying me. I’ve noticed that people are very careful when they talk to me about things, because they never know how I will react. I could be completely fine with it, or I could explode. “Why not?” I ask, curious. I’m not one who judges someone based on others’ opinions, but I do listen, pay attention, and see for myself what I think. I’m not stupid. “I don’t know,” she says, looking into her drink. “The way he told the cab driver to stop, I didn’t like that, and then he just disappeared. And Keisha thinks he’s a bit full on too. He was walking around the house shirtless while we were there, isn’t that a bit weird?” I consider her words, seeing where she’s coming from. At the same time, I didn’t feel weird about him walking out of my room without a shirt. I don’t feel like he’s into anyone except me, at least when I’m there, and I don’t feel threatened in any way. He’s just a person who is comfortable in his skin, and

wouldn’t have thought anything of it, just like I didn’t. “Noted,” I say, flashing her a smile. I know she’s just looking out for me. I’ve been hurt in the past, and although I act tough, I’m a fucking marshmallow on the inside. I love hard, and I give the people I care about everything I am. Ellen once asked me how I can be one of the most kind-hearted, generous people she knows, yet at the same time be an ice queen. My answer was simple. The people I care about see a different side of me than everyone else does. “He’s different for you,” she says, glancing at me. “He’s not like any of the other guys.” No, he isn’t. And she’s right—it’s a very, very dangerous thing. I should be running. Fleeing. Saving myself. Leaving with my heart intact, but instead, I’m almost running towards future heartbreak. Because the time I have with him now is worth it. How fucked up is that? I just don’t know what else to do. He’s leaving soon anyway, so it’s not even important. I’m here, I’m in it, I just need to enjoy myself and move on after he leaves me. Probably more easily said than done, but I’ve survived much worse. Everything will be fine. I’m glancing at my phone and walking towards the karaoke area when I hear Ellen call my name. “Yeah?” I say, turning to her, then smiling when I see Eli standing there. I literally walked right past him. I see him give me a once-over, lingering on my knee-high black boots. I’ve paired them with a little black dress, a black cardigan, and red lips. “Hey,” I say, wrapping my arms around him. “I thought you were singing?” Did he come here just to hear me sing? I sent him a message saying I was going to. “I was going to,” I say, considering it. “But someone just sang my song.”

Ellen and I share a look when ‘Who knew’ by Pink is sung next. That’s my backup song. Well, shit. We order drinks, and again, Eli doesn’t let me pay. I haven’t paid for a single thing any time we’ve gone out together, and I know this isn’t something I should be complaining about, but it’s turned into a game, and I’m losing. When I’m with my friends or family, I’m usually the one who pays, so I’m not really used to this. I like being in control and I don’t like feeling like I owe people anything. Not that he makes it feel that way, he doesn’t at all. I try and hand the bartender some money, but he refuses to take it, taking Eli’s instead. “Is this because I’m a woman?” I ask the bartender. “Because that’s sexist.” He nods at Eli. “I’ve served him before. I remember him. I’ve never seen you before.” My jaw drops open. Okay, so I don’t usually come to this pub; karaoke nights only recently moved here, but still. “I’m the local here! He’s only been here for a few weeks! He’s not even from here.” I look at Eli, who has an infuriating smirk playing on his perfect lips. Another loss. Goddammit, the hits keep coming with this one. He always wins. No matter what. I’ve finally found a worthy opponent, someone who is possibly more stubborn and talented than me. Talented in every damn way. I’m impressed— although I don’t know if I’d admit it out loud. I look at the man in question. We have chemistry, and a connection. The sex wouldn’t be so good if we didn’t, but at the same time none of that matters, and I need to let it go. I don’t know how he does it, but whenever he’s around, I’m always ready for him. I’m always wet, and I always want to fuck him, no matter where we are. I’d let him have me anywhere. It works when he’s not around too, his draw is so powerful and magnetic, even thinking of him turns me on. That fucking mental and physical connection. It’s everything. At least to me it is.

It doesn’t seem to affect him like it does me, another area in which he wins. He’s protected his heart, while I’ve practically given him mine. A sobering thought. I grab my drink and swallow a mouthful. There is this feeling in my gut though, one I can’t shake, that he’s just meant to be in my life. How can that be? He was a one-night stand, yet he’s become so much more. I actually care about him and want him to be happy. If he was happy, I’d be happy, whether I was in his life or not. And that’s how I know it’s something real, and not just lust or a crush. If he could hear my thoughts, he would probably run.

Chapter Ten Ellen meets some of her other friends, and Eli and I are left alone. We stumble through the streets, arm in arm, smiles making a permanent appearance. From the outside, you’d think we were together, that we were in love, but that isn’t how it is at all. I think that Eli is very free with his affection; to him it doesn’t mean what it does to me. I’m rarely affectionate with anyone, to get that from me, you have to mean something to me. With him, I think it’s just a part of who he is. He’s a gentleman, he’s chivalrous—he’s just a good man with a heart of gold. He’s a very giving, loving person to be around. Nothing fazes him, and he just goes with the flow, never overthinking anything. I can learn so much from him, but at the same time I know I can never be like that. I’m a completely different person to him. He complements me, balances me out. I wonder if he thinks I have any qualities that do the same for him. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” he says, glancing down at me. I avoid his eyes, turning to look straight ahead. “Don’t do that,” he murmurs, so I glance back at him. “Do what?” I ask, schooling my expression. “Your eyes are a dead giveaway. And you know it. That’s why you look down or hide them whenever you’re up to something, or whenever you don’t want people to see what you’re thinking. Don’t hide them from me.” He wants me to give him everything, but will give nothing in return. “I like them most when they’re filled with mischief,” he continues, smoothly changing the subject. “And paired with that Cheshire cat smile and batting lashes, you’re a hard woman to resist, you know that?” Yet resist is all he does. “You can’t tell me that you’re leaving, then say all that cute stuff, Eli. It’s not fair,” I huff, looking away from him again.

I knew the time was coming, but fuck if it doesn’t suck. “We have one night, Taye,” he says softly. “We should make the most of it.” “Then we need to be in bed, not out here,” I say, stopping on the sidewalk and facing him. “It’s how we started, and how we should end, right?” Blue eyes soften as he looks down at me. They tell me that he will miss me, but I know he won’t say the words. He’s never once made any promises to me, or anything like that. He’s been honest about what this is and what this isn’t. And if I fall… That broken heart is on my hands.

***** We need to get home, now. We’re in the cab, and we can’t keep our hands off each other. It’s so bad. So bad that it’s good. Amazing. Fuck, his lips taste mine, and his hand is on my bare thigh, inching closer and closer… Lucky it’s dark in here. I’m wearing the most expensive boots I’ve ever purchased, and this is the first time I’ve left the house in them. I sent Eli a picture of me in them once, and I know he wanted to fuck me in them, so I’m glad that I wore them tonight. I can see in his eyes how much he likes them, how turned on he is, and I know how bad I want him. When his fingers start inching closer to my panties, I stop them and glance around. He wants to touch me, right here and now? What if the driver sees? Fuck. The thought of him touching me right now excites me, so why am I stopping him? I let go of his hands, and when they inch closer again, I don’t stop them. I hike my dress down as far as it can go so the driver won’t be able to see, and keep my eyes locked onto his. I barely breathe as he slips his index finger inside my panties and runs it along my wetness. When his finger slides inside me, I grit my

teeth. I’ve never done anything like this before, and I feel so turned on, I don’t think I’ll say no to anything right now. I don’t want to. I want everything. I want more than just fucking in bed with no lights on. I want to release my wild side. Eli calls her and trains her. She responds to him. He’s what the secret part of me has been yearning for. And just as I found him, I’m going to lose him. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip, and his eyes follow the motion. He gives me a deep kiss, then murmurs, “You taste so good,” against my lips. I want to say something back, but I can’t. I can’t form any words right now; I have nothing. He starts to stroke my clit just as the cab stops at my house. For the first time since we met, when he pays, I don’t complain. I don’t say anything. I just sit there, trying to control my breathing, then get out of the cab when he opens the door for me. With his hands on my hips, he leads me to my front door. I search in my bag for my keys, almost desperately, needing to get inside. I finally find them, and am pushing the key into the hole when he pulls me back against his body. I let go of the key. He pushes my hair to the side and starts kissing my neck, his fingers lifting up my dress, the cool breeze hitting the skin of my upper thighs and lower back. He picks up where we left off in the cab, stroking my clit, then sliding his fingers inside me, except this time, his lips on my neck are sending shivers up my spine, and making my thighs tremble. I brace my hands on the glass of my front door, holding myself up. When he slips my panties down and slides into me from behind, I don’t stop him. No, I bend over for him, giving him more access as he fucks me outside my house, where any passing cars or neighbours can see. It’s dark, sure, but the streetlights are on and we aren’t invisible. If anyone were to walk or drive by, they’d see everything. And I’m too fucking hot, wet, and horny to care. I hear a noise, a moaning sound, and it takes a few moments for me to realise that the sound is coming from me. I make another sound then, this time one of complaint, when Eli pulls out of me. However, he lifts me and pushes me back

against the wall, slides back into me, and starts fucking me against the bricks. I wrap my arms around his neck, kissing his lips and groaning with each thrust. I can feel how wet I am from how easily he slides into me, and from the dampness around my inner thighs. I’m going to come soon, but I don’t want this to end, so I fight it. I think this moment is my hottest sexual encounter ever, and I’m fucking speechless with how hot I am for the man inside me right now. When Eli freezes and rests his head against mine, I kiss him, wanting him to continue. But then he pulls out and lets me slide to the ground. I’m in a daze, and my legs don’t even want to hold me up. I’m so turned on, so wet, so on edge that if I don’t come soon I’m not going to survive it. I only realise why he’s stopped when he murmurs, “Fuck. We better go inside.” “Why?” I ask, wanting him to lift me back up against the wall and fuck me like he owns me. “Your neighbour is watching us,” he says, putting his back to the road and facing me. “And you were being so loud that he heard you.” I wasn’t being that loud, was I? I peer over his shoulder and see my neighbour across the road out the front of his house, standing next to his bin. Fuck. Breaking out of my spell, I turn around and open the door, then head straight to my bedroom. Before he can even help me, my clothes are off and I’m on the bed. He comes into my room with a husky chuckle, taking off his own clothes and joining me. I flash him a seductive look, and he grins and all but jumps on top of me. He’s still hard, and I’m still dripping wet. That seems to be the reoccurring theme with us. We start to fuck with him on top of me, until he pulls out and brings his cock to my mouth. I open greedily, knowing that he’s giving me what I want, and swallow each drop that spurts into my mouth. When he’s done, I lick his cock clean, and gently suck on it while he watches me with a look in his eyes that I will

never forget. In one night, we’ve ticked off more things from the list than I ever have before. But more than that, it was with him. Only he could fuck me so good that I don’t even notice that I’m where people can see. Only he can make me feel so safe that I know he will take care of any situation that arises. Only he makes me lose my inhibitions like this. And only he has the power to now break my heart.

***** I hold him tight, because I don’t want him to go. I savour the moment, because I know how fleeting it is. Soon, he will just be a memory. I don’t know what’s going to happen after this, if we will keep in touch or not, but I hope that we do. I told him before that I hoped we could be friends at the very least. He told me I was full of surprises, but I don’t see how. He can’t just come into my life, turn it around, and then expect to leave like he was never there. He’s my exception. There’s no escaping that. At least not for me. I lift my head and kiss his lips, his jawline, then nibble on his ear. “I don’t want you to go.” I don’t know if he knows how much that took for me to admit, but if he did, he doesn’t let on. “I have to go, Taye,” he says gently, like we were talking about the weather. I know he has to be back early tonight and can’t stay, but I wish he could. The night is still young, we left early, and Ellen is still out, probably wondering if I’m going to come back or not. “I know,” I whisper, hating the reality of the situation.

But it is what it is; I got to enjoy him, and now I need to let him go. He isn’t mine to keep, and he never was.

***** He drops me back off at the pub Ellen is at before continuing back to his in the cab. I hug him and kiss him goodbye, and put a smile on my face. He’s seen me weak enough, he doesn’t need to see more. He won’t. Everything is fine. I walk back into the pub, find Ellen, and order a drink. “I can’t believe you came back out,” she says, smirking. “Who goes home, fucks someone, then comes back out?” “Me,” I say, drumming my fingers on the bar. “I won’t see Eli again, so I deserve a drink. No point me sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.” “You know what you need?” she says, a contemplative look on her face. “What?” I ask, wary. She doesn’t always have the best ideas. “You need to find another guy tonight,” she says, looking around. “Oh, what about him? He’s cute.” I purse my lips. “I just fucked Eli, there’s no way in hell I’m fucking anyone else tonight, Ellen.” The thought of fucking anyone else doesn’t appeal to me. They won’t get me, they won’t know how to handle me, how to fuck me. How to challenge me. No one else will do. Vodka, however, will do. Vodka never lets me down, and it won’t fucking leave even though we have an obvious connection. I get home in the early hours of the morning, and Ellen comes to sleep at my house. I strip off my clothes and realise that I wore my panties inside out after I fucked Eli, and went back to the pub like that. Wonderful. We eat burgers in bed, and then fall asleep. Who needs a man anyway?

*****

I can feel him the next day. I like it. I hope it never goes away. It’s the only thing that makes last night seem real. I carry on with my day. I write—more inspired than ever. Apparently missing someone will do that to you. I edit. I clean my house. I spend time with Carter. I even have dinner with my brother, Seth. I keep busy and try and stay distracted, but whenever Eli messages me, I smile. I love talking to him, even if he isn’t here, and we’ve been chatting on and off all day. I still have this small part of him. I still get to hear his words, listen to his mind and share his thoughts, and for right now, that will be enough. It has to be.

Chapter Eleven “I wish you were here and inside me right now,” I type. “I’ve been thinking about our last night together… how giving you were. Fuck. The noises you made. I replay those sounds in my head. Did your neighbours say anything?” “Nope, maybe they enjoyed the show.” I still can’t believe that happened. Lucky for me my neighbour is pretending he didn’t see or hear anything. “I know I did,” he replies. “Me too. I didn’t even realise how loud I was being until you told me.” “Maybe the people in the next town didn’t hear you.” Fuck, was I really that loud that night? “Thank God I’ll never have to hear what I sounded like. Take it as a compliment.” “Remembering your moans that night is making me even harder… and no, those sounds only belong to me.” Why does he have to be so fucking sexy? “I liked when you touched me in the cab, too,” I admit to him. “I remember the look on your face when you stopped protesting and opened your legs so I could touch you.” Fuck. I’m so turned on right now, and there’s no one to take care of it except me. Why the fuck can’t Eli be here? “It’s probably like the look I have on my face right now.” “Well played.” “I was well played with that night.” Fuck, I’m witty. “Mmmm. You are fucking killing me right now. I can’t wait to feel your

nails digging into my back again.” I make a sound of frustration. I can practically hear his growl in my ear, and I want nothing more than to be with him right now, all over him, stroking his cock, then taking it into my mouth. I want him to fuck me in every way possible, I want us to work down the list together, ticking every damn box. Most of all, I just want him. “I want you so much, Eli.” “Work fucking better send me back there the fuck soon. Your wet pussy has been the cause of a lot of primal growling. You’re driving me fucking crazy.” The feeling is mutual. I can feel my want for him slowly driving me to the brink of insanity. I crave him. “I’m so wet right now.” “You have me pacing my hotel room with a raging hard-on. You are going to get me arrested, because it’s either fuck or fight, and you aren’t anywhere near me.” Fuck. This is the most intense sexting experience of my life. I’m so turned on, I’m missing him, and I just want to be with him so badly, it’s insane. What has this man done to me? I’ve never wanted anyone so badly in my whole entire life. Fuck or fight? Jesus, that’s a hot line. He’s so fucking alpha; there’s no other way to explain it. I read about men like this, but fuck if I ever met one before. If I did, I would have kept him. I don’t want him to fight, but I don’t exactly want him to fuck anyone else either. “Don’t get into a fight,” I type back, but regret it when I hit send, because that only leaves fucking. “And I wish I was there to take care of that raging hardon for you.” Boy, do I.

“Recalling your moaning and eyes looking back at me fucking you from behind always makes me instantly hard. That is going to need to happen again. Not fussy on location.” The fact that he always mentions returning calms me. I know he’s a man of his word, and if he says he will return, then he will. I just need to be patient. “I’m not fussy on location, either. Fuck, why do you have to be so far away?” “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Can’t miss out on that dance battle and cook-off, now can I?” I laugh to myself. “Don’t forget the rematch of vodka pong.” “Looks like my to-do list for when I return is getting longer by the day.” He’s right. There’s so many things we’ve spoken about doing together when he gets back, and not just sex. Places we want to eat and beaches we want to visit. “I should write the list out, prioritized by numbers one to ten.” “What’s number one?” “Number one on the to-do list would be a cute editor with better dance moves than you and an attitude problem.” “The attitude part is true, but it isn’t a problem.” I smile at my phone. “Stop being cute. You’re making me want to fly to you. And then I’ll die because you’re in the middle of nowhere and I have no survival skills and sensitive skin. And don’t get me started on the freckles.” The sun doesn’t like me much. I get burnt, and more freckles appear on my already freckled face. “Your freckles are cute. I remember thinking that when you were sleeping next to me one time.” “Creep,” I reply, even though I think it’s cute. “Well if that makes me a creep, then so be it. And you won’t die, don’t say

that. You don’t need anything to be with me. I have everything and more.” The messages come out in breaks, like he’s pressing Enter after every few words. “Including fat fingers that press Send before I can finish typing.” I laugh while typing out my reply. “I’m quite fond of those fingers actually.” The banter carries on all night, day after day, week after week. You can’t exactly blame me for starting to fall for him.

***** “You are so beautiful,” the man says, giving me a once-over. “Thanks,” I say, forcing a smile. What is the point of being beautiful, though, when you can’t have the one man you want? I don’t care what compliments I get from other men, I only want to hear one man calling me beautiful right now. “You from around here?” he continues, while I look around for Nicky. “Something like that,” I say, smiling when she walks up to me, returning from the bathroom. “Can’t leave you alone for one minute,” she says, eying the man next to me. “Who is your friend?” I breathe in relief as Nicky takes over, being her usual friendly, charming self, while I get to stay quiet, listen, enjoy my drink, and smile and laugh when necessary. It’s been five weeks since Eli left, and because I’ve been talking to him every day, I don’t feel like I’ve lost him. In fact, I feel like I’m getting to know him more and more every day. The more I know about him, the more I like him. He has an amazing mind, and he surprises me with his wit and quick humour. It’s not even his good looks that are my favourite thing about him anymore. Or the way he fucks. It’s just him. All of him. The growling sound he makes. His smile. Those hypnotic blue eyes that see right through me.

His soul. “Fuck, Taye,” he messages, in reply to the selfie I sent him before heading out. “Don’t say my name like that, I can practically hear the growl in it,” I text back, wishing he was here so we could be in bed right now, tearing each other’s clothes off. “Isn’t much chance of us having a conversation where you don’t make me want to rip your clothes off you and fuck you, is there?” I grin, and reply with, “Only solution is you coming back and us fucking.” “And what if that just makes it worse?” is his reply. I don’t really have an answer for that. He’s said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, yet we talk every day, and not in a we’re-just-friends way. We want each other, badly, and we aren’t shy about telling that to each other. If us fucking just makes the want worse, I don’t know what else we can do. I want him. I’d want him to be with me. I’d travel to him, and he could come here; I want to make it work, but he doesn’t want to do that. I’m not sure how to handle this, if I’m being honest. I’m single, but I’m not even looking at other men, really, because I’m so consumed by him. Is he sleeping with other women? I don’t know. Do I want to? Technically he could, of course, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt. “I don’t know,” I type back. Maybe that means he needs to just stay. It’s a little frustrating, this whole situation, but the sad thing is, I don’t want to let go of him. I don’t want him to stop talking to me every day. I don’t want to lose my small piece of heaven, no matter how tiny it may be. I’d rather talk to him than fuck another guy. “That guy is totally hung like a cashew,” Nicky says, looking at his crotch from a distance and making me almost choke on my drink. “What the fuck!” I say, starting to laugh. “Hung like a cashew? Who says that, you creep?” She wiggles her pinky finger at me. “I have an eye for these things.” “A superpower, hey? Being able to tell the size of a man’s dick without

seeing it.” She nods. “Exactly. Now, let’s go and dance. You’ve been down ever since Eli left, and I’m over it. I’m here visiting, and you need to be happy.” “I am happy,” I lie. It’s not a total lie. I’m not miserable, crying and shit, I’m fine, but in the back of my mind, I’m always thinking about him. I can’t lie about that. And yeah, if I had my way, he’d be here with me now, but I don’t have my way. And I won’t. Nicky is right—I need to just get over it. “Do you think he’s slept with anyone yet?” “I don’t know,” Nicky says, sounding wary. “Are you sure you want to know the answer to that, Taye?” “I can’t stop thinking about it. I think I want to know. It will probably tell me a lot, don’t you think?” If he’s fucking other women, he clearly doesn’t care about me like I do him. And if he is, I should move on, right? I should forget him. I should find someone who actually values me and wants me, and only me. I don’t know. He’s not mine, but we’re not nothing either. I don’t know what we are, but it’s not nothing. We care about each other. But… Is he fucking other women? “I don’t know,” she says, frowning. “You aren’t together, so you can’t get angry.” “I know.” But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. I can’t help how I feel, whether we are together or not. I don’t like the thought of him with another woman. Yes, he’s not mine. Boy, don’t I know that. But still… fuck. The thought kills me, there’s no point in lying to myself. I’d rather simply talk to Eli than fuck another guy, that’s how much he means to me, and to think of him out there fucking women so soon. I grit my teeth, trying to ignore the pain. “Do you?” she asks, narrowing her brown eyes. “I know you, Taye. You

get angry, lose your temper, get all dramatic, and will say some mean shit you will later regret. Or, you will just cut him out of your life and pretend he never existed. How many men have you done that to over the years?” “A fair few,” I grumble. “I think me knowing will let me know where I stand.” And show me how much I mean to him. I need to go by his actions, not his words. “You know where you stand, Taye,” she says, sounding sad. “Yeah, nowhere. I stand nowhere. So what do I have to lose in asking then?” I say, leaning back against the bar. “I’d rather the painful truth than an easy lie. Hearing is necessary.” “Okay, then ask him.” I furiously type a simple text message. “Have you slept with anyone else yet?” I hold my breath. Please say no, please say no. He replies instantly. “Yes.” My heart drops. I knew he was, inside I did, but apparently it still hurts like a bitch. The pain in my chest intensifies as I imagine him giving someone else what he gave me. I swallow hard, and absently rub my chest. “He said yes,” I whisper, hating that I have to say those words out loud to my best friend. I wish no one had to see this moment of weakness. “What do I type back?” Nicky orders shots. I appreciate that. “Say… rad,” she suggests. My brow furrows. “I’ve never used the word rad in my life.” “What about gnarly?” “Are we surfers now?” I ask, glancing at my phone. “Just say cool then,” she says, sighing. “Taye, if you want Eli in your life

still, you need to act cool about this. It’s the reality of the situation. You two aren’t an item, so he can fuck whoever he wants. It’s up to you what you choose to do with that though. You either accept it and keep him in your life, or you let go, and you find someone who deserves you.” He’s been fucking other women. I don’t mean anything to him. Ouch. Fuck. It hurts. I continue to absently rub my collarbone. “I’m just going to reply with ‘okay.’” What else is there to say? This is the situation, this is my life, this is what you get when you give your heart to someone who doesn’t want it. They drop it, and then they carry on with their lives like nothing happened. I type “Okay,” and then put my phone down on the bar while I do a shot. I do Nicky’s, too. Eli replies instantly, asking me what’s going through my mind right now. He hurts me, then wants me to explain the hurt to him, even though he has no intention of fixing it. Even though he caused it. Even though he could stop it but he won’t. I don’t know what to say. Does he want me to put it into words how much it hurts, to try and explain how disappointing his answer was to me? To tell him that if it was up to me, he’d never touch another woman again? He doesn’t want me. I shouldn’t give him more than I should have. I need to save face, and keep whatever pride I have left. “When you tell someone they’ve hurt you, they can’t say that they didn’t. You feel how you feel, Taye. You own that.” I exhale deeply and pick up my phone and type, “Thanks for being honest.” He is always honest, a trait I like about him. I asked for the truth and he gave it to me. If I don’t like it, well, that’s for me to deal with. Like my best friend

said, I either accept it and keep him in my life, or I cut him out and never talk to him again. I don’t want to cut off communication though, I always want to be there for him if he needs me, even if it’s years down the line. I know it sounds sad, and fucking stupid, but that’s how much I care about him. He needs me, I’ll be there. I’ll have his back, no matter what, even if that loyalty isn’t returned. “Are you upset?” he replies. “I’m a little hurt, but it is what it is. And you made me no promises.” “I like you, Taye. I wouldn’t talk to you every day if I didn’t.” He likes me. “You like me, but not enough to do anything about it.” That pretty much sums up my love life. I send another message: “You know what, it’s fine. Have a good night.” “I can’t imagine that’s what your eyes are saying right now.” If he saw my eyes right now, they would give away everything. They would show my hurt, my pain, my hopelessness. I’m glad he’s not here right now, because what he’d see in my eyes would send him running. It would be too much for him to handle. “There’s a difference between sex with emotion and just sex, Taye,” he writes. “If we were even in the same state, maybe, but we’re not.” So, sex with me is different? And these women mean nothing to him? Or is this just me reading between the lines and hearing something I want to. How many women has he slept with? Does he sleep with them more than once, or a few times? How does this work for him, exactly? Am I really any different? Does the state thing even matter? Distance is distance, no matter how far. If his head and heart are with me, then he shouldn’t want to fuck anyone else. Isn’t that how it’s meant to go? I think about our time together, and how real that felt. Did it not feel that way to him? Does he not smile every time I message, saying something cute; does he not miss me, even a little bit?

Can sex just be sex for men? What if he gets attached to one of these women and forgets about me? Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? Bad because I’d lose him, but good because I’d have no choice but to move on. Maybe that’s exactly what I need to do. He’s never in or out, he’s always in the middle, and that’s a little hard to swallow sometimes. In the end, Eli is just a man. A man who apparently doesn’t want to be with me.

Chapter Twelve “You know what, Taye? You have Eli goggles. You haven’t even been checking out any other men, and let’s be real, you can get any guy you want in here. So what gives? He’s out fucking others, so you need to dump the Eli goggles and start actually seeing men again.” I grin at Nicky. “You are so cute, you know that?” “I do,” she says, threading her arm through mine and nodding to the left. “What about him?” “I don’t need another guy,” I tell her, shaking my head in amusement. “I need to get over Eli first. I don’t want to use someone.” “Best way to get over a guy is to get under another one,” she says cheerfully. Usually, that is my motto, but this time I don’t think it’s going to help. Eli accepts all of me; he can handle me and he finds things about me hilarious, things that scare most guys off, like my attitude and my temper. He loves my attitude. He doesn’t want me to tone myself down or change. He likes me just as I am. How the hell do you replace that? I don’t think you can. Meaningless sex is not going to help. If anything, it will probably make me feel worse because I’ll just compare it to what I had with him. No matter how temporary it was with him, it meant something to me, and I’m not going to just pretend it didn’t to save face. “Don’t think that will work this time,” I say, sighing. “Let’s go and dance.” I don’t bother denying that I have Eli goggles, because let’s be real, I do. He’s all I see, all I want. It’s not an easy thing to escape from. For tonight though, I’m just going to have fun, and I’m going to try and forget. Forget that right now, while I’m thinking about him, he could be inside

another woman.

***** I wake up with a raging headache and a message from Eli. “Hello, pretty girl.” I wonder how many women he says that to. Does he call them pretty girl too? Does he call them miss? He probably uses those words so he doesn’t forget names. Rolling my eyes, I get up, jump in the shower, and pull out my laptop to do some work. My first book is now almost half done. Every time I need to express myself, I turn to it, and it’s been a good outlet for me. A few hours later, I start cleaning my house. Feeling bad for not replying to Eli, because I’d hate if he did that to me, I pick up my phone and send him a quick message. “Good morning. What are you up to?” “Working. What are you doing, miss? You feeling okay today?” “I feel okay,” I type. Physically, anyway. “Just cleaning. I like everything to be a certain way.” “I know. Maybe next time I come there I’ll move your stuff around and see how long it takes for you to notice.” I smirk, always amused when he gets playful like this, which is pretty much all the damn time. “Only thing you’ll be moving is my body when we change positions,” is my cheeky response. See, I can be just as witty as he is. I love our banter. I haven’t met anyone who gives as good as he gets like Eli does. Even after last night, it’s almost as if things haven’t changed. At least, our talks haven’t. Now, though, I know where I stand with him. To be honest, I should probably say goodbye to him, because there is no winning this situation for me. There is no end game, no happily ever after. All I’m going to get is this, right here. And I have to be okay with that to keep him in my life. I don’t want to lose him. Even if we end up being just friends I still

want him in my life, in some way or form. He means too much to me for me to just turn my back on him. I want to be there for him, make sure he’s doing okay, and be by his side if he’s not. Somehow, he’s become someone I care deeply about, even if I still don’t know his last name. I roll my eyes at that thought. I can’t believe he still hasn’t given in and told me that. How ridiculously stubborn can one man be? “I’ll be doing more than that. I’ll be tasting every inch of you. I won’t be able to keep my hands off you. Mmm I still have many ideas for you, miss.” He has ideas for me? “Is that right? What kind of ideas? Ones that I can put in my book?” “There will need to be lots of research required. If you’re up for it….” “Oh I’m up for it, and I know you will be too,” I type, my lips twisting in humour at my own joke. “Always up for it whenever I’m around you. Are we going to talk about last night?” Last night. The night of truth and realisation. I don’t really want to talk about it, if I’m being honest. We aren’t exclusive, he fucks other women, I don’t like it, but I don’t have a choice, end of story. I don’t want to message him when he’s with another woman. The jealousy hits me like a knife to the stomach as I picture that—him seeing my name pop up on his phone and either ignoring me or messaging me back acting like everything is okay while he has another woman next to him. I don’t know which one is worse. “Nothing to talk about. I asked a question, and now I have to handle the answer,” I type. I haven’t even thought about being with anyone else, but for him it was a given. He doesn’t see me as his, or anything like that. Would he even care if I was fucking someone else? Probably not. The worst part of the whole thing is, I really didn’t think he would fuck someone else so soon. I was wrong—it’s been known

to happen. “The last thing I want is to hurt you, Taye.” The last thing I want is to be hurt. But what can I do? I never thought I’d find myself in a situation like this. There’s obviously something that keeps us from losing contact. We enjoy chatting with each other, we like each other, and we want to see each other again. But how do I separate my feelings for him and carry on seeing other men whilst still talking to him every day? I’m in quite the pickle. One thing I do know for sure is that I refuse to lose him. I won’t walk away unless he wants me to. I’ve realised that no matter what I say to him, nothing really scares him off or makes him go quiet or distant. I like that about him. I can say whatever is on my mind without censoring myself, and I know he won’t take it the wrong way. I can truly be myself, and no matter what, he thinks I’m a good person. He thinks I’m cut from a different cloth, thinks I’m a rare type of woman. He sees the real me, and I see the real him. I accept him just as he is, and he does the same back. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that before. With my ex, I’d tone down my emotions and reactions because he couldn’t handle them. But Eli? There’s nothing he can’t handle. He truly is one of a kind. He isn’t ready for commitment or to settle down, but before him, neither was I. I was having a little fun here and there, but my heart was never in it. I think that’s the difference between us two. For him—I’d change my rules. I’d be flexible, and not just in the bedroom. I’d compromise. He doesn’t want to do any of those things. And I can’t make him. If he’s not ready, then he’s not ready. Maybe he’s not emotionally unavailable after all, maybe he just doesn’t want anything more serious with me. “I know, Eli.” “I don’t want the type of relationship I can offer.” That line really hits me, because it shows me just how selfish I’m being right now. He doesn’t want the type of relationship he can offer. He wouldn’t be happy doing long distance and the rest of it. Maybe it’s him who couldn’t handle it. I, on the other hand, could. I would put in the effort, and the hard work, because I believe it would be worth it.

That he’s worth it. Maybe I am just an idealistic, hopeless romantic. Maybe he’s in the right with this. Maybe I need a fucking reality check. Or maybe I need to get acquainted with another penis. “Well, when you put it like that….” “It’s not even all about me, Taye. I’m thinking about you here.” Is he thinking about me here? Because he’s definitely not going to give me what I want. And I need to stop talking to him about it. I need to have some fucking dignity, instead of chasing a man who clearly doesn’t want to be chased. Well, he does, he just doesn’t want to be permanently caught. From this moment on, I stop talking about who he is fucking, or why he doesn’t want to be with me. I can’t control it. So, I let it all go. And it’s extremely freeing. If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if not? Maybe he’s meant to be a lesson, not my soul mate.

Chapter Thirteen “All the good guys are unavailable,” I say to Nicky. “Even the single guys are unavailable,” she murmurs, a dig at Eli, and a pretty valid one. “This is true. I’m just a magnet for the emotionally unavailable men of the world. They like me, I like them. Most of them are bearded.” “And some of them even have blue eyes, I bet,” she adds, bringing her blue straw to her lips. “And fuck you against walls.” I nudge her shoulder. We had dinner together, then decided to come out for a quick drink before we head back to my house for a movie marathon. I sent Eli a quick picture of me, and he only now replies to it. “You look beautiful, miss. I’m going to need to do an hour of boxing.” I smile widely. Eli has been sent to some random place for work, and there’s no women around, so he’s suddenly been boxing more than usual. I think the fact he knows how to fight is sexy as hell. Then again, I think anything he does is sexy. Eli goggles, and all that. “Eli said he’s going to have to box for an hour after seeing my picture,” I say, sighing in contentment. Nicky rolls her eyes at me. “Yeah well, you’re fucking hot. But if another guy said that, you wouldn’t think it’s cute. Imagine if bus guy said it.” That’s been her answer for anything cute I say about Eli. “Imagine if bus guy said it.” Bus guy is a guy I considered dating a while back, a guy I sat next to on the bus. Nice guy, just wasn’t for me. “You and bus guy,” I grumble, pursing my lips. “Well it’s true,” she says, smirking. “Eli can do no wrong in your eyes.” I know she’s right, but that really doesn’t change anything. So, I think he’s

amazing, is that crime? If so, lock me the fuck up. I wonder if Eli will use handcuffs on me next time, or bind my wrists. I send him a quick message asking him so, getting turned on at the mere thought of him restraining me. “Fucking hell. The second I see you, I’m taking you to the nearest bed. I’m going to kiss you, make you come, and then bind your hands behind your back, bend you over, and fuck you until you scream.” Shit. That escalated. “I want that. Fuck. You need to be here right now. I’d be so ready for you that you wouldn’t even have to touch me.” “Make that two hours of boxing.” Satisfaction fills me. When I get home, I’m going to send him a sexy as fuck video that’s going to turn that two hours into three. “Are you going to be a phone snob all night?” my best friend asks, narrowing her eyes on me. I slide my phone into my bra and offer her an apologetic smile. “I’m all yours, Nicky.” She smiles and nods towards the exit. “Want to go home and spoon?” Yes. Yes, I do.

***** “Your son is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” I tell my brother as he and Carter walk into my house. “Carter, you are so cute, buddy. Come and give me a hug.” He runs into my arms and I pick him up and kiss his chubby little cheeks. “You’re getting heavy.” “I’m getting bigger!” he announces proudly.

“Yes, you are,” I say, giving him one more kiss before putting him down. “There’s lunch on the stove,” I tell Seth, nodding towards the kitchen. He kisses my temple as he passes me, heading straight for the food. “How’s your book going?” he asks, grabbing a plate and a bowl, one for him, one for Carter. “It’s going well, actually,” I say, beaming. “It’s all coming together, you know? I’m pretty excited about it.” “I can’t wait to read it.” I freeze. I look at my brother, all six feet of him, and scowl. “You can’t read it, Seth. It’s a romance novel.” “So?” “So,” I say, dragging out the word. “It has sex in it. You’re my brother. I’m sure you don’t want a peek into my mind when it comes to that. Most writers write from experience and—” “Say no more, Taye. Say no more,” he says, grimacing. I grin and go and put on a movie for Carter to watch while he eats his lunch. When they leave, I strip down for a shower and decide to send Eli a sexy picture. It’s of me in the mirror, fully nude. I’ve never sent anything like this to any guy before, but I think it’s obvious that Eli isn’t just any guy to me. He’s seen every inch of me, and he likes what he sees, even though I’m far from perfect. My butt could be bigger, my boobs perkier, my stomach flatter, but when I’m around him or talking to him all I feel is perfectly imperfect, beautiful just as I am. “Well congrats, miss, you almost made me fall off a beam with that pic.” My lips twitch, but then I start to worry about the fact that if he’s being serious, he could have hurt himself. “Why did you open it if you’re on a beam?” I fire back. “I’m normally not so easily distracted. You’re so fucking beautiful. I get hard just looking at you.” “And I get wet just thinking of you….”

We sext for the next few hours until he writes, “Well, I think you’ve tortured me enough for one night. I’m going to head out.” He’s going to head out. To probably fuck another woman. No, to definitely fuck another woman. Over our last few chats I’ve discovered that Eli is a man who is very… generous with his sex skills, and likes to share himself around a fair bit. He sees it as just sex. And I have to be okay with that, because he’s not mine. Wonderful. It’s fine, it’s all fine. At least that’s what I make myself believe.

***** “Maybe I’d like to try that, to be your submissive. I’d kneel naked, head down, waiting for you to command me….” “You would be the perfect candidate for that, miss.” “Why?” “Because of your eyes, and how they give everything away. Those big brown eyes. And because you’d be sexy as fuck.” All this fantasy talk has me needing release. He just knows what to say, how to turn me on with just his words, his mind, and when I picture him playing everything out…. Fuck. He needs to return, stat, and be inside me, where he belongs. “Tell me your last name.” “No.” “Please,” I type. “I probably would give in if I was there in person, but from here I cannot see your eyes.”

My eyes seem to be his weakness, one I’m not afraid to utilize. “I want you. Inside me. Now.” “Fuck, you have no idea what you do to me,” he sends back, but if it’s half of what he does to me, I have some idea. It’s enough to send someone crazy. I’m almost there. The lust only he can fulfil, it’s draining me. Consuming me. I want him so badly. I thought time would cure it, but it’s not. If anything, it’s making it worse. Shouldn’t we be forgetting each other now? Letting daily life distract us to the point of forgetting? Letting people cloud our minds, and our bodies, and letting the taste of other people fill our mouths. “I haven’t been with anyone since you, Eli. I’m so sexually frustrated and only you can fix it. I’d be so wild for you. When I see you, I’m going to jump on you and we won’t be leaving that bedroom for a few days at least.” “My want for you doesn’t fade, Taye. So don’t think just because I’ve been with others that it will. It drives me just as crazy still.” I inhale deeply, considering his words. I don’t get him sometimes. He acts like we’re something, when we’re not, and it confuses me. I want him, more than anything, but he’s said it won’t happen, yet his words contradict him. I know that actions hold more power than words, but as a writer, it’s sometimes hard for me to remember that. Words do mean everything to me, the beauty in them, the hold they have over me. And his words are like the softest of caresses. The caress of a lover, not someone who doesn’t want me or isn’t willing to fight for me, for us. I’d go to war for Eli, and he won’t even stop fucking other women for me. Or try long distance, or give me any kind of hope. The only inches he’s willing to give me are the delicious ones in his pants. And not that I don’t want them, because fuck, yes I do, but I’d love something more. This always happens to me. I give everything for someone, but I’ve learnt

not to expect that same type of loyalty back. No one loves like me, or cares like I do. Or is as thoughtful as me. I give it all I have, and I hope that one day I get that back, because I deserve it. A woman like me is not easy to find, and when I say that it has nothing to do with my looks, and it’s not me being egotistical. I speak the truth. And yet it’s still not enough. But you know what? For the right man, it will be.

Chapter Fourteen A few weeks later, and the first draft for my book is finished. Eli wanted to read it, and I want him to be the first one to do so, so I sent it to him. “Sorry for the late reply. I was out shooting. The property owner heard I was a good shot.” “Of course you’re good at shooting. You’re good at everything, Eli.” “No I’m not.” Sex, boxing, his job, sports, playing pool, vodka pong… and now shooting. Yes, he is. I’m sure he has a million other talents I’m yet to uncover too. “What are you bad at then?” I type, smirking to myself as I add, “Besides commitment.” My lips twist in humour as I read his reply. “Well played, miss.” “I know, good dig, right?” “I’m not bad at commitment.” Right, that’s just reserved for me. Nicky told me this saying she heard, a metaphor for men, about how when a taxi is unavailable, they will drive past, ignoring passengers. But when they are ready, their light goes on, and they stop and the very first passenger gets in. Eli is ignoring me right now, but when his light comes on, what if I’m not the first passenger waiting? What if when he’s ready, he finds someone else? I want to be that fucking passenger. And I want his light to turn on right fucking now.

***** “Undecided if I like reading your book or not.” “Why?” I quickly reply, wondering if maybe he doesn’t like it. Is it awful?

Maybe I should stick to editing instead of writing. You know, those that can’t do, teach, or whatever that saying is. I don’t even know if it applies. “I like the writing and the story, but it makes it difficult.” Oh. Is he showing me a little bit of rare vulnerability right now? “The sex or being in my head?” “Both.” I wonder if he knows how much that admission gets to me, and means to me. My words affect him. Does it make him understand me more, does it make him miss me? He’s never ever told me that he misses me, even though I’ve told him a few times. I’d prefer what he just said over that, though. We haven’t spoken about who he’s been sleeping with, or seeing; he keeps it to himself and it’s easier that way. I told him we have a no-censorship rule, but he replied with, “I think I’m looking after you if there are some things I don’t say.” I felt like telling him that there’s no point worrying about looking after me, or my feelings, because the pain in my chest has lessened, but I don’t think it will ever go away when I think of him being with other women. I don’t say that though, I don’t say anything, so maybe it’s me who is censoring him. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want him to walk away, or what, but it’s better this way. For both of us. He shouldn’t feel guilty for doing what he wants, and I don’t want him to, but I can’t exactly control my feelings either. So I started to tone them down, and now they are starting to become lost. And the bitter part of me tells myself that if he truly wanted to look after me, he’d stop hurting me in the first place. I tell that part of me to shut the fuck up, too. I need to see how we play out. I need to. If I don’t, I will always wonder what if, wonder if I lost the potential love of my life because I was scared, or because I couldn’t handle the situation. Because I didn’t fight hard enough. ‘I Can’t Fall in Love Without You’ by Zara Larsson plays, and if some of

the lines don’t sum up my life right now, I don’t know what does. The song then changes to ‘Talking Body’ by Tove Lo, another song that reminds me of Eli. How long am I going to do this to myself for? I can’t keep living in flashbacks and memories. I can’t keep ignoring all other men, not giving anyone else a chance, when Eli doesn’t even want me. Fight or motherfucking flight. Do I fight for him, or do I save myself? I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.

***** “There’s a lot of you in your heroine. She’s beautiful, witty, talented… How the fuck are you still single, Taye?” How am I single? Why does he have to ask me something like this? Because you don’t want me? How do I say that without sounding bitter and turning our conversation into some deep and meaningful argument? “Maybe the person I want doesn’t want me.” He doesn’t take the bait, replying with, “You really are cut from a different cloth.” “You’d be a good writer, Eli.” He has a way with words. He explains things so beautifully, and always has a witty reply, or a sweet one. “I think you have enough writing talent for both of us.” Fuck. He’s so sweet, yet so badass. A bad boy with a heart of gold, and my fucking weakness. “We could co-write the dirtiest book the world has ever seen together.” “That’s actually not a bad idea,” he replies, making me grin. “We’d have to test out the sex scenes, of course. Much research would need to be done.”

“Of course. Hopefully work sends me back there soon. I asked them to, and they said when some work comes up they will let me know.” He asked his work to send him back to me? Fucking hell. Am I going to survive it when he leaves for the second time? I want to spend time with him no matter what, whether I never see him again or not, but obviously I will also get more attached to him. “I think if you stayed here longer last time, you would have gotten addicted to me.” “I’m not going to deny that.” The fucked-up part is, I already became addicted to him, and it didn’t take much time at all. I can’t even pinpoint when it happened really. I don’t know. He became mine and I became no one’s. Lucky for me though—I love myself enough for both of us.

***** “Can you get away for a few days?” “Why?” I ask, trying to tone down the excitement I feel. “I was thinking I could fly you out to see me if they give me a few days off.” Those words are like music to my ears. Just the other day I was thinking that I’d go visit him in an instant, but he never said anything so I assumed he didn’t want me to. Now he’s saying he wants to fly me out? Not that I’d ever let him pay for my ticket, or anything like that, but the offer is extremely sweet. I’ll have to see if my brother could manage with Carter without me, but fuck, how I’d love to go and see him. “I’m sure we could work something out. I’d love to see you, Eli.” Understatement of the year. “Okay, good. I’ll let you know when.”

I can’t contain my happiness for the rest of the day, already mentally planning what I’m going to take with me, and all the things I want to do to him the second I get my hands on his perfect body again. I’m going to fuck him out of my system; I’m going to taste him from head to toe and get to know every inch of him. I’m going to laugh with him again, tease him, and challenge him. I’m not going to have any expectations, or worry about what will happen after. I’m just going to enjoy everything that is Eli. The joy he brings to everyone around him—I’m going to soak that shit up. His light. He has a fucking light in him that I never want to see dim. I’m going to be so good to the man. I’m going to change his opinion on wanting a relationship, show him that not all of us are the same, and I’m going to do all this without expecting anything in return. I’m just going to give. I’m going to do everything except fall in love with him.

Chapter Fifteen “Are you still flying over to see Eli?” Keisha asks me as we sit at the pub, chatting over a few drinks. “He hasn’t been given any time off yet,” I say, trying to sound optimistic, even though I don’t feel it. He hasn’t brought it up again, and I really don’t think it’s going to happen. I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m just trying not to focus on him, and not close myself off to other people, but it’s hard. I once said that I’m too loyal for my own good, and I think that’s what is making me not interested in anyone else; I’ve given him my loyalty freely even though I’m not getting the same in return. That’s me, always giving, and even though it makes me look kind of stupid, it’s just who I am. I need to try and meet new guys though; I can’t keep going on like this. I’m a sexual woman, and not having any sex is killing me. I need to be fucked, or I’m going to go insane. It’s been three months since I slept with Eli, three months since a man has touched me, held me, or used his mouth on me. Of course, more than anything I’d like it to be him doing all those things to me, reminding what it’s like to have the attitude fucked out of me, but realistically, it’s not going to be. He never once asked me to not be with anyone, or made any comments that made me feel obligated to do so. I don’t think he cares what I do, if I’m being honest, and fuck if that doesn’t hurt. I need to want to be with someone else because of me though; it has to have nothing to do with Eli at all. I wouldn’t even tell him if I did. I don’t want him to have that picture in his mind, I don’t want him to think I like him any less, because that’s not the case at all. If anything, I like him more and more. And like a typical woman, the more he’s out of my reach, the more I want him. Why do I have to be like that? I guess we all want what we can’t have, and isn’t that just a bitch?

I know talking to Eli still isn’t helping the situation, just making me care even more and more about someone who isn’t mine, but I can’t seem to walk away. Even now, I don’t want to. Just the thought of it makes me want to panic. Don’t get me wrong—I could do it. I’m strong, and if I want to do something I can and I will, and I will succeed, but I don’t fucking want to. “You need to get under someone new already,” she casually adds, for the millionth time, like she’s been hearing my inner thoughts the whole time I’ve been sitting here. “So you’ve said,” I say with a wolfish grin. “I think my goal for tonight is more along the lines of staying out of trouble.” “Trouble seems to find us, doesn’t it?” she says, lighting up a cigarette and inhaling. “Or maybe we find it.” I don’t know what it is, but every time we’ve gone out recently something or another has happened, from a girl getting angry at me for talking to her boyfriend (one who didn’t seem to remember he had a girlfriend in the first place) to us getting kicked out of a pub or two for being a little too drunk. No one else has really caught my eye. I need to get it out of my head that no one will ever be better than him, but right now, he’s all I want. I don’t want anyone else. It’s fucked, I know. I guess I’m going to have to get through this the hard way, by my damn self, feeling every emotion as it hits instead of distracting myself with penis. Oh, how I miss penis. A mouth like mine is going to waste just sitting here doing nothing. My mouth is currently unemployed. It needs to be put to work. Thank God no one can actually hear my thoughts. “You can say that again,” I mutter, taking a sip of my drink. “How has your week been?” “Not bad,” she says, shrugging. “Kids, cleaning, cooking… the usual stuff. How is your book coming along?” “It’s finished,” I say, beaming. “I’m just doing last-minute edits and things. I hope everyone likes it.”

Eli said he did. I’m glad, because a lot of it was about him. If he figured that out, he decided not to say anything about it, although he said he loved my words. He even remembered a few quotes, and use them in our daily chats. I wonder if he knows just how much that means to me. We head to the bar to grab another drink and make a toast to no bad decisions tonight. We’re two grown-ass women. We can be good, surely.

***** “We’re going back to mine for drinks, you two coming?” an attractive guy asks us. We were standing out the front of the pub, about to go home, when we ran into a group of four guys. One, I know, and have been dancing with all night. He’s gay, and fuck if I’m not half in love with him already. He’s funny, charismatic, and spent the night dirty dancing with me. A me that gets to grind and show off my moves is a happy me. I look to Keisha, step closer to her, and call a group meeting. “What do you think? Are we going to regret this?” A few weekends back, we ended up going to a guy’s house for drinks. Except it didn’t pan out like we thought it would. His parents picked him up, yet— don’t ask me why—we still got into their car, and then they ended up living so far out, and with no reception, that we couldn’t even call a cab to leave. We were stuck there, no phone service, until morning when his mum took us home. Thank goodness they weren’t serial killers or something, because no one would have found our bodies. Suffice to say, drunk us does not want to get into a situation like that again. “I don’t know,” she says, a contemplative look on her pretty face. She turns to him and asks, “How far away do you live?” “Like ten minutes,” Mr. Attractive says.

“Is there phone reception there?” I ask. The look he gives me lets me know he thinks I’m crazy, but I’m too drunk to care. “Yes, there is. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.” I take a look at the crew, and they all look normal to me. “Don’t get all grumpy. Last time we ended up going home with someone’s parents, and we don’t want to do something stupid again.” He stills, disbelief flashing through his eyes. And boy, his eyes. I’ve never seen anything like them. Turquoise. Fucking turquoise. “You did what? Wait, never mind, I don’t want to know,” he says, shaking his head. I step to him and cup his bearded face in my hands. “Your eyes are fucking amazing.” He gives me an odd look then, and says, “Don’t fall in love with me. Trust me, I’m fucked up. You don’t want to go there.” Wait, what? Okay, not what I was expecting him to say. How about thank you? Accept the compliment and move on, dick face. I let go of him and step back. I don’t think I’ve met a more arrogant man in my life. Don’t fall in love with him? My heart is taken; there’s no room for anyone else, although it would be much easier if there was. I look at Keisha and say, “Don’t go near that guy. He’s arrogant as fuck and has an ego bigger than ours.” And he’s wearing a pink shirt. Or salmon, as I heard him call it. Pink. She nods, and then we start walking up the street to get some food, chatting

with the men as we go. They buy us a kebab, and just before we get into the cab, I see Matt. I run up to him and say, “If we go missing we left with those guys, okay?” He glances at them, and nods. Either he knows them, or doesn’t care what trouble I’m getting into. The cab drive is fun; we all joke and tease each other, and we stop at Mr. Arrogant’s house. I fall in love with it instantly. The house, not him. Jeez. He opens the door for us, and we walk in. It looks brand new, and is tastefully decorated, monochrome and sparse. Classy. A perfect bachelor pad if I ever saw one. The man has taste. “Nice,” I say to myself. Music is put on, and drinks are poured. Soon, I’m dancing around their kitchen, laughing and having the time of my life. Mr. Arrogant, whose name is Chris, makes us food, and drunkenly picks us strawberries from his garden. He ends up being a really nice guy, although he clearly has some tortured soul thing going on. A good heart though, or at least that’s the impression I get. The men are clearly good friends, and I find myself laughing at their easy banter and fast wit. “Your taste in music is awful,” I tell Chris, who acts offended. He’s my age, maybe a little older, but listens to older music than my mother. “What would you choose then?” he asks, handing me his phone. I jump up on his kitchen counter, just like I would at home, and scroll through his songs. Everyone else heads outside for a smoke or whatever, and Chris and I end up alone. We have a chat. A deep chat. His mind and insight surprises me. And then he pulls me to dance. I tell him I dance burlesque, and he asks for a show.

I say no. We playfully argue about it. And then, when he drags me to his room and closes the door, something I honestly didn’t see happening, I don’t stop him. So after warning Keisha to stay away from this man, it’s me who ends up fucking him. My first one-night stand. It’s what I always wanted, isn’t it?

Chapter Sixteen “Last night was the best night we’ve had in ages,” Keisha says as we catch a cab home in the morning, at about seven. She’d fallen asleep on the couch while I was in Chris’s bed, curing myself of my long dry spell. I don’t regret it. We fucked, and then we cuddled, and then we fucked some more, and it was just what the doctor ordered. Maybe Eli is onto something with the whole sleeping around thing. It’s the best distraction there is, and I actually like the whole group of men. Maybe we could all hang out together again sometime. “I agree,” I say, smirking. And not even because I got laid. The dancing, the laughing, and the way the guys treated us was really nice. I had a super time. “And someone’s mum isn’t taking us home this time,” Keisha points out. “Always a pro,” I add, resting my cheek against the window. My phone beeps, and it’s a message from Eli, making sure I made it home safe. Is this how it is for him? Replying to my messages with the taste of someone else in my mouth? I can still feel Chris, I still smell like him from being wrapped in his warmth, and now I’m messaging Eli. I don’t know how I feel about this. I thought it would be fine, I was even feeling good about fucking Chris, but one message from Eli has me questioning everything. And I know it’s because my mind, and my stupid fucking heart, are still with him. Even though he doesn’t want them, and never asked for them. Or anything else. He doesn’t fucking want anything from me, and I want to give him everything. Everything.

And he’s the only man I’ve felt that way with. I go home, have a shower, and then jump in bed. I can’t have Eli, not all of him, and I need to stop having these weak moments when I feel sorry for myself over the fact. That’s not me. I don’t do weak. He wouldn’t like that version of me. I don’t like her either.

***** Eli sends me a picture of him with his back to the mirror, an arse shot. He hardly sends pictures, unlike me, who sends them all the time. He’s not into selfies, or anything like that. And I like that about him. He’s not vain. He’s just manly and confident. If he sends me something, it’s usually of what he’s doing, or where he is, so this picture throws me off. He looks sexy as hell; I love a nice, muscled back and his is amazing. It could be on a book cover, fuck, my book cover, and his arse is fucking biteable. “I think we should add something else to the list. You doing a sexy photo shoot so I can put you on the cover of one of my books.” “Hahaha… I’ll do that for you if you promise me one thing.” “And what’s that?” “I’ll tell you when I return.” What? How infuriating. Now I’m going to be wondering what the hell he could possibly want from me. “That’s not fair. Why don’t you just tell me now?” “Nope.” I roll my eyes. He’s so stubborn. And so fucking delicious. “Fine.” “You going to throw a tantrum?” he asks, making me laugh. “I don’t throw tantrums.”

“Just a lot of eye rolling and lip pursing?” I laugh harder, because I did roll my eyes. And I’m onto him—I know how much he likes my attitude. “Guilty.” “You are trouble, miss.” I’m innocent compared to him. So innocent. “Says you. I want you right now. Just like I always do. Why aren’t you here? I’m in the mood to sit on your face and grind my hips down onto your mouth, staring down and watching you while your tongue works its magic.” Okay, maybe I’m not that innocent. “Fuck, Taye. I remember how you taste too. So good. I’d love to have your pretty pussy all over my face. I love teasing you too. Kissing your inner thighs, caressing you, making you wet but not touching your clit….” “Fuck. I remember. It drove me wild. I was begging for you to let me take your cock into my mouth after that.” Boy, did I beg. The mental and sexual connection is insane. It’s something that no one can replace. Someone better looking can come along, but it won’t matter. This goes beyond all that, and I think that is why I’m having such a hard time letting go, even though I should, instead of overthinking everything and breaking my own damn heart. It’s not Eli breaking it, it’s me. He knows all my weaknesses, my flaws, and he still thinks I’m wonderful. I can say anything, and he never thinks I’m a bad person. He sees me, fuck does he see me, like no man has ever seen me before. We chat in-between us both working, and like always, I find myself either smiling so hard that my cheeks hurt, or so turned on that I want to pull out my vibrator just to take the edge off. When I use it, I even say his fucking name when I come. It’s kind of fucked up, but this is what I don’t want to lose. This, right here. This connection. It doesn’t matter how far we are away from each other, or the fact that months have now passed. Words connect us, and feelings that don’t seem

to go away. Our souls dance ever so tangibly. If we go on like this, and I still get to talk to him every day, I think I’d be okay with that. And that is what scares me. I know I probably need to let go of him, but I can’t. No one can tell me how to feel. I own my feelings, I own my pain, and no one can tell me that I shouldn’t feel a certain way. And I can’t let go just yet, as stupid as it sounds. I guess I’m still waiting, holding on to the hope that a miracle will happen and he will see that no one will ever love him as completely and irrevocably as I will.

***** A few weeks later I re-emerge to catch up with Keisha over our usual alcoholic beverages. When I see Chris and his crew, I smile, knowing tonight just turned into a good night. I hug all of them, and Chris wraps his arm around me. He smells good, and he seems nice enough. We did have a good night together, even though it’s not him who consumes my thoughts. Maybe something less intense is exactly what I need right now. “How have you been?” he asks me, eyes lingering on me. “I was hoping you’d be out tonight.” “Really?” I ask in a dry tone, arching my brow. If he wanted to get into contact with me, he could have, but he didn’t. It’s a small town. “Yes, really,” he murmurs, lacing his hand through my own. “Can I buy you a drink?” I consider him, and then nod. Why not, right? I don’t have anything to lose. We head to the bar, order our drinks and chat. And flirt.

If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t like the fact that Eli is no longer the last man I’ve been with. I don’t like it, but I have to let go at some point, right? I always think about what’s best for him, what would make him happy, but he’s not doing the same for me, he’s thinking about himself. I want Eli to be happy, more than anything. But maybe it’s not me who can give that to him. I push him out of my mind, and chat with Chris, getting to know him better. When he asks me to go home with him, I don’t refuse. I don’t have a reason to.

Chapter Seventeen Another month has passed, and the messages between Eli and me are still there, but are occurring less and less now. It’s more on his side than mine, and I know it, so I’ve stopped messaging as much too. Not because I don’t want to talk to him, because fuck, I do, but because if he wanted to talk to me more, he’d put in the effort to do so. He’s a man who would go after what he wants, and that’s clearly not me. Don’t get me wrong, I know he cares about me, and all of that, but it’s just not enough. Maybe I don’t mean as much to him as I’ve been thinking this entire time. And fuck if that doesn’t hurt. He always says how he’s not much of person who checks in with his friends and family, and I’m the only one he keeps in contact with daily, but now even that is changing, and that was the one thing I had from him. I miss his words, and I miss seeing his name pop up on my phone, but I can’t fight for us alone. If he doesn’t want me, there’s nothing I can do about it. Wanting him even more isn’t going to change that. I’m a good woman, I know my worth, and maybe the timing is just not right. Stupid mother fucking timing. Right person, wrong time. At least right person on my side. ‘Mercy’ by Shawn Mendes plays on repeat, because apparently I like to torture myself. When Eli and I do talk though, it’s exactly the same. The want hasn’t gone away, but I also know I’m okay without Eli, and I’ve kind of accepted it’s not going to happen. Do I think we will fuck again at some point? Yes, especially if his work sends him back here. But I don’t think anything else will happen; the hope has died, the happily ever after nothing but a fictional story like the ones I

write. I still want him, and I think I always will, but I don’t need him. I don’t need any man. Except, maybe, Carter. I’m done chasing. I won’t have to chase the right man, or try to convince him that I’m good enough to be with; he’d already know that. Trying to be a loyal woman to a man who only wanted to be loyal to being single was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. The only bad part is that my guard is up higher than ever, or maybe that’s the good part. I won’t let anyone in, but at least I won’t get hurt anymore either. And then there’s Chris. Although I’ve been keeping him at arm’s length, I’ve still allowed him into my life. I still see him, spend time with him. Fuck him. He’s not Eli though. Then again, no one ever will be. I published my novel, and it’s doing well. I won’t quit my editing job just yet, though. I only want to make safe decisions from now on. Safe is good. My phone beeps. “What are you up to, trouble?” I smile.

***** It’s New Year’s Eve, and I’m looking and feeling amazing. In a tight, short black dress, black stilettos, and red lips, I feel a million dollars. Drink in my hand, I glance at my friends and smile. I love New Year’s. That feeling of a fresh start, a new year, it motivates me to achieve even more goals in the coming year, and pursue even more of my dreams. I’m even wearing silver glitter on my eyelids, something that only happens about once a year. We order the most expensive vodka to celebrate, and take a picture I know we will cherish for years

to come. “I can’t get over how amazing you look tonight,” Chris whispers into my ear. I turn to him and smile. He’s been patient with me over the last few months, and I’m happy to be bringing in the New Year with him. I don’t have those intense, all-consuming feelings with him that I did with Eli, but maybe that’s for the best. It’s safe, he’s safe, but he still makes me happy, and that’s what counts. “I would have thought you’d be used to it by now?” I tease, grinning at him. “You don’t look half bad yourself.” He glances down at his brand new shirt. “What? This old thing?” I wrap my arms around the back of his neck and press my cheek against his chest. “You smell good, too.” “So do you,” he murmurs, inhaling deeply. “This perfume drives me crazy, but you know that already, don’t you?” I pull back and smile up at him. “I wore this before I even met you, so don’t blame me.” He kisses my lips gently, then my forehead. “Do you want another drink?” “Yes, please,” I tell him, then turn to Keisha, who pulls me by her side, our hips touching. “Bringing in another New Year together, hey,” she says, lips quirking. “Here’s to many more, my friend,” I tell her, kissing her cheek. I let go of her waist and turn to look at Chris, who has moved along the bar, ordering us all drinks. With my back to the bar, I slide my phone out of my clutch and lift my head, absently scanning the crowd. Then I do a double take, because I see the side profile of someone who looks a lot like… No, it can’t be? A shiver runs down my spine, my whole body tingling, every part of me suddenly on alert.

Is it him? Fuck me dead. He’s walking towards the exit, head down, and I know that I need to find out for myself if it really is him, or if my mind is playing tricks on me. “I’ll be back in a second,” I tell Keisha, and then quickly walk to the exit, stepping outside and looking to where the man is now walking down the street. I take a chance. “Eli?” I call out. He stops in his steps. It is him. What is he doing here? I all but run to him, heels and all, not caring about anyone around me. He’s fucking here. And he was about to walk away without even saying anything to me. Is this what we’ve become? I say his name again, softer this time, and he turns around and looks at me, those blue eyes hitting me with full force. He’s just as I remember him, and like a magnet, I can feel us being drawn together. “You’re here,” I whisper, taking him in from head to toe. I’m greedy for him, and even if I don’t touch him my gaze eats him up. “You look…” He takes a breath. “Unbelievable.” “Thank you,” I tell him, shifting on my feet. “Why didn’t you tell me you were back? Did work send you here?” He looks away from my eyes, and pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. “I don’t know, I guess I wanted to surprise you.” He doesn’t comment on the work thing. “Well, consider me surprised,” I tell him, wondering what’s going on in that mind of his. He stopped messaging, stopped replying, except the casual out of nowhere response, once I’ve learnt not to expect. Yet with him right in front of me, it’s like nothing has changed, like we’ve never been apart. The chemistry is still here, the pull, stronger than ever, but that doesn’t mean it changes anything

between us. He lights his smoke, and steps away so it’s not in my face. Taking a draw, he studies me, and says, “I saw you in there.” I swallow hard. He saw me with Chris, and that’s why we both don’t know what to say to each other. He’s here, he came back, just like he promised, but things have changed. They only changed because of him, though. I’d have waited for him, without even looking at another man, because I know he is worth it, but he didn’t want that. He didn’t want me to wait, because he didn’t want me to consider him mine, he also didn’t want to wait without sex, I suppose, or without other women. Yet, the look on his face right now… he didn’t like seeing me with another man. “Is that why you walked away without saying anything?” I ask him, understanding his actions. If I saw him with another woman… I’d walk away too. It would hurt, no matter what the circumstances between us would be. He nods, studying me now, looking into my eyes as if searching for something. “You with him?” I nod, but in this moment, I wish I wasn’t. A muscle ticks in his jaw, but he says nothing. Then, after putting his cigarette out, he steps to me, wraps his arm around me and kisses the top of my head. “Is he good to you, Taye?” he asks in a soft, almost vulnerable tone. I’ve never heard that in his voice before. “Yes,” I reply. “Good,” he whispers, watching me. Then he says to me, “Work didn’t send me here.” With those words like a punch to my chest, he walks away. I don’t stop him. Instead, I wrap my arms around myself, and consider his words. He came here, for me, and only for me.

And I was with Chris. I’m with Chris. I don’t know what to do with this. I don’t know how to fix it, or if I’m even supposed to. I want to go after him, but I don’t. If I do, I will sleep with him, and never want to leave him, and Chris doesn’t deserve that. Eli doesn’t deserve that too, because he doesn’t deserve me. He’s unattainable, he doesn’t know what he wants, and I’m in still in love with him, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing is easy with him, and if he wanted me, he would have said so. He would have fought for me. Or maybe he thought that walking away was the right move, and maybe he’s right. All I do know is that maybe me and him aren’t meant to be. The timing is always wrong. It’s always too much, or not enough. Life is a fucking bitch.

Chapter Eighteen One Year Later “I love this song,” I say, smiling as I dance, raising my arms above my head and doing that delicious grinding move I’m known for. It’s ‘Perfect Strangers’ by Jonas Blue and JP Cooper. Nicky grins and joins in, the two of us moving in sync. Keisha comes back with another drink, and does the same. We’re in holiday mode, and we’re loving life. We’ve been over east for about a week now, and are having a great time together, enjoying the sun and party life. I haven’t spoken to Eli since he showed up at my door. Uncountable times I wanted to. I’d write him messages, but then I’d delete them. Or something would happen and I’d want to share it with him, but I refrained. I couldn’t. Do you know how hard it is when you can’t talk to the first person that pops into your mind when something happens? So many times I wanted to reach out. I wonder if he has any idea just how hard it was to cut him out. He probably doesn’t even think about me anymore. It’s probably better that way. I’m heading to the bar to get another drink when I see him. I don’t know if fate hates me or not, but I’m thinking she does. Sure, I’m in his part of the country, but it’s a big part, and he’s hardly here because he’s always working away. And for him to be in this club, on this night… yeah, fate hates me. Especially because he’s not alone. He’s standing next to a woman, a beautiful blonde, and he’s smiling. Yeah, he’s smiling. I turn around and head in the other direction, chest heaving. I don’t want him to see me. I go and stand in the corner, hand on my chest. Fuck. We need to get out of here right now.

I’m typing a message to Nicky, telling her and Keisha to meet me out the front right now, when I hear him. “Hello, trouble.” I lift my head. Fuck, he’s beautiful. Being so close to him again hits me right in the face. A blow that’s probably going to take me more time to recover from. In this moment, I know that I wasn’t wrong about my feelings for him. I don’t think they will ever change. I love him. I’ll never stop. It wasn’t some bullshit crush, or lust, or anything else other people tried to tell me it was. I’m in love with him. And that’s why I can’t be near him. I can’t. It tears into my soul to be so close to something I love, but not be able to have it. Maybe I’m not as strong of a person as I thought I was. Maybe it’s just too real, my feelings for him. I don’t know. Those blue eyes I fell for stare right into my soul. “Did you think you were going to leave without saying hello?” “I didn’t think you saw me,” I say, licking my suddenly dry lips. “I’d notice you anywhere, miss,” he says, giving me a once-over. “You look more beautiful than I remember.” “Thanks,” I say, absently touching my now much shorter hair. I went for a sexy blunt bob when I wanted a change. “You know, we never ended up having that second dance battle,” he says, flashing me a smirk and offering me his hand. “Or have you since lost your rhythm?”

Fuck. He knows I can’t pass up a challenge. I take the bait, and his hand.

***** I open my eyes and mutter fuck about ten times. I’m fucking weak. I turn my head and look at Eli, who is fast asleep, his face turned towards me. We fucked five times last night. Five. I think that’s a record even for us. I want to cuddle with him and kiss his bearded face, but I don’t. I want to make him breakfast and ask him to tell me every detail about his life in the last year, but I don’t do that either. No, what I do is slowly wake up, dress, and then make a quick exit. How did last night escalate so quickly? We danced, and we laughed. And then he invited me back to his house, for more drinks (sounds familiar) and to see his giant puppy. My three weaknesses: Eli, alcohol, and puppies. I had no chance. However, all we ended up doing was fucking like animals, unable to get enough of each other. I think I only slept an hour. It was like we’d never been apart. I don’t know what to say, because I can’t even regret it. I always said I’d never regret him, and that holds true. Fuck, though! I was doing so well, too. And wasn’t he with a chick? What happened to her? Oh well, if she wants to hate me, she can get in line. I open his room door, and then glance back at him longingly for a few

moments. When I close it, a sense of sadness comes over me, but I push it away. I walk through the hallway towards the front door. I’m passing the kitchen when I hear a male voice say, “Going somewhere?” I pause, shoes still in my hand, and turn to who must be Eli’s brother. “Oh, hello there,” I say, grimacing. “I will owe you big time if you do me a favour and call me a taxi.” He looks like Eli, a little. Never did I think I’d be meeting him under these circumstances, doing the walk of shame. I guess it doesn’t matter though, because I won’t see either of them again. He picks up his keys. “I’ll do you one better, I’ll drop you off. I’m heading into the city now anyway.” “No, it’s fine,” I object. “I’ll just take a taxi.” He shakes his head. “Come on.” He’s bossy just like his brother. I follow him outside and get into his car. “Thanks for this.” “No problem,” he says, glancing at me from the corner of his eyes. “May I ask why you’re sneaking out of my brother’s room? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman do that before.” He sounds amused. Definitely Eli’s brother. “I’ll bet,” I say in a dry tone, which only makes him laugh. “Do you want the truth? Or is it too early for some deep shit,” I say, looking out the window. “I want the truth. I’ve heard Eli mention you, you know. I remember when he used to chat to you all the time.” He pauses, then adds, “We used to give him shit about it. And where are we going, by the way?” I tell him the hotel name and address and then blurt, “I’m leaving because I’m in love with him.” “Okay?” he mutters, sounding rightfully confused. “You’re in love with my brother, so that’s why you’re escaping in the morning like you would from a man you’re embarrassed you just drunkenly fucked?”

“Yes. And how did you know it was me he used to talk to?” “I was next to him when he saw you. But you didn’t even see me, did you?” he asks, sounding amused. “No,” I admit. All I saw was Eli. And some woman. The story of my life, really. His phone rings, and he answers it. “Yeah?” He glances at me. “Yeah, she’s with me. No, I’m not going to bring her home, she wants to go to her hotel. Yeah, okay. Bye.” He hangs up. “What did he say?” I ask nosily, wrapping my arms around myself. “He wants to know where you’re staying,” he admits, sighing. “He’s obviously not done with you.” “You can’t tell him,” I beg. “Please. Do you know how much it hurts to be with someone you love, but who will never give you what you need back? Unrequited love. I’m sure that is what hell is made of.” He makes a hmmm sound, but doesn’t say yes or no. “Can we stop for food?” I ask, and he starts laughing. But he does stop, and he doesn’t let me pay for the food. Being infuriating definitely runs in the family. When he stops out the front of my hotel, I thank him. And then I say, “I’d kiss you on the cheek, but I don’t think you want to know where my mouth has been.” I can hear his laughter as I walk away, my shoes still in my hand.

***** Later that night, I’m tired, and decided to stay in while the girls went out. My hair is in a towel and I’m wearing my pink PJ set with my fluffy slippers.

When there’s a knock at the door, I jump up, all excited, because I just ordered enough room service for four people. “Eli?” I say in surprise as I open the door. Fuck. That’s it, his brother and I are going to have a chat. “Can I come in?” he asks, and I step aside so he can enter. I’m having déjà vu. “How did you find my room number?” I ask, eyes narrowing. He shrugs. “The woman at the counter wasn’t too hard to convince.” Did he charm his way up here? Shouldn’t be surprised. “Did a little runner on me this morning, hey, miss?” he mutters, sitting down on the bed. “You know why I did that,” I say, taking the towel off my head and throwing it on a chair. “Why are you here, Eli?” “Because I wanted to see you again,” he says, so simply. “How long are you here for?” To him, it is simple, and that’s because he doesn’t feel the same way I do. “A few more days,” I admit hesitantly. “Taye, don’t do this,” he says, brow furrowing. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you or spoken to you. Don’t give me a taste and then take that away. It’s fucked up knowing that you’re so close to my house but I’m not even welcome to come and see you.” “Yet here you are,” I grumble. “Exactly. And if you still know me you’ll know how much it took for me to show up here.” That shuts me up, because I know it’s right. But still, I didn’t ask him to show up, now did I? “It’s just easier if I don’t see you,” I admit, looking down at my hands. I shouldn’t struggle with this; I shouldn’t be weak after such a long time. I should be over it. But I don’t think that there’s a time limit on love. Part of me will probably love him forever.

And that is my burden to bear. “I don’t even know what to say,” he whispers, looking a little confused. “I want more of last night.” “You don’t always get what you want.” “I know,” he says, standing. “Trust me, I know.” He glances at the bed, then back at me. “You really don’t want me to be here right now?” No. I nod. “Yes.” He runs his hand through his hair, nods, and then mutters, “Okay then.” He turns to me, grabs my face, and then gives me a kiss I will never forget. It’s hungry, greedy, and deep. It’s punishing. It’s unforgiving. And then he leaves like he was never here in the first place.

Chapter Nineteen Two Years Later “Hello, miss.” I freeze. That voice. I take in it and savour it. It’s been so long since I’ve heard it, but I’d recognise it anywhere. I turn to look at him, at the man that never really left me, even after all of this time. “Eli,” I say, smiling and pulling him in for a warm hug. I wrap my arms around him and rest my cheek on the material of his black shirt. It’s him. Same smell, same feeling. It’s him. For an infinite second, I close my eyes and remember the last time I saw him, and then I open them and glance up at him. I was a little tipsy, but the way he is looking at me has me sobered up real quick. He’s looking at me like I’m a sight for sore eyes, like he’s missed me. Like his eyes are hungry to see me, and his lips want their turn too. “Why is that?” he asks, glancing around. “Because it’s a classy bar?” I laugh and shake my head. “I don’t know, I just never expected to see you again, I guess. Can I get you a drink?” “I believe that’s my line, trouble,” he murmurs, signalling the bartender. He turns to me and asks, “Has your usual changed?” I shake my head. Not much has changed when it comes to him either, it seems, because I can’t take my eyes off him. My gaze runs over him, his dark curly hair is a little longer than before, and his body looks even more ripped. What has he been up to? I can only imagine the trouble he’s been getting into since the last time I’ve seen him. He always has great stories to share, and I love hearing every detail about his

life. He pays for the drinks, and slides mine over to me. “We really need to stop meeting like this,” I tell him, smirking. “Are we alcoholics, or is it just me?” He chuckles and sits down next to me, drink in hand. When his eyes lock with mine, the atmosphere changes, and the smile drops from my lips. I clear my throat, and try not look at his own lips. “I don’t know how you do it, but you get even more beautiful with age,” he tells me, shaking his head, as if in disbelief. “Look who is talking,” I reply, staring at his handsome profile as he turns his head to his drink. His beard is about the same length as I remember it, and my fingers itch to run through it. I shift in my seat. It’s been two years, I should be able to control my reaction to him, or at least it should have dimmed by now, but it hasn’t. I don’t understand it. My nipples are pebbled; I can feel them pressing against my bra, begging for attention. From him. All he’s done is look at me. And I am wet. That is his superpower, and my kryptonite. “I still can’t believe you’re here,” I say, a little lost for words. “Me either. Where are your friends? Or who are you here with?” he asks, tucking my hair back behind my ear. I point to Keisha, who is on the other side of the bar, ordering drinks with her boyfriend. “I’m in Bali to celebrate my new book release. Keisha and her other half decided to tag along.” He smiles widely. “Another book hey, congratulations. I’m sure this one will be just as amazing as the last, if not more.” “I’m hoping for more.” He grins, and shakes his head. “So without Keisha, who are you getting

into trouble with these days?” “I believe I was sitting here alone,” I reply, arching my brow. “Just me, and my good old friend vodka.” He lifts his hand up and touches a lock of my hair. “I like this colour on you, it looks sexy.” I recently wanted a change, so my hair is now rose gold. I like it, it’s something different, and I’m glad he does, too. “Who are you here with?” I ask. He points to a group of three men at a table in the far corner. One of those men is his brother, the other two I’ve never seen before. “I see,” I whisper, as he moves closer to me, his lips close enough that I could kiss him if I wanted to. “Will the wanting you ever end?” I close my eyes for a second, then reopen them. “I don’t know.” “What is it about you, Taye? Fuck. I was hard before I even saw you just then, like my dick knew before me that you were around. Only you can do this shit to me. I don’t know….” I don’t fucking know either. I’ve run into him again. Is this fate? Or am I being punished for some reason. I’m single, and I’m assuming he is, so is it possible that the timing is finally right? Or is this just another time I’m going to allow the same man to break my heart all over again? Fuck. He presses his body against me, and I can feel that his dick is indeed hard. I’m glad I’m not the only one affected by our close proximity. “Why can we never control ourselves around each other?” I ask, biting my lower lip. “Fucking hell, Eli.” He flashes me a knowing grin and bends down to kiss me. I wrap my hands around his neck, the first touch of his lips against mine sending a spark through my body. Like always when I’m with him, I forget that people are around. I stop caring about anything else, and I kiss him like we’re alone, with no eyes on us.

When I pull away, I’m left breathless. “I think we need to leave.” I motion to Keisha that I’m going to leave, and she gives me the thumbs up. Eli goes and speaks with his friends and then comes back and lifts me up off the chair, helping me down. “All good?” I ask, my tone rushed. I need him, and I need him now. He nods. Perfect. Hand in hand, Eli and I make a quick exit and jump into a taxi. I don’t look away from him, I can’t. I never want to take my eyes off him ever again. He rubs his thumb along my knuckles, and I realise that unconsciously I’ve been squeezing his hand. I loosen my hold and let go, placing my hands on my thighs. “You’ve gotten even sexier, fuck,” he whispers into my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. “Do you remember what we said we’d do when we got to see each other again?” I nod, shifting on the seat. “Yes. We said….” “What?” he asks, gently biting down on my earlobe, then kissing my neck. “Remind me.” “We said that we’d find the nearest bed, and you’d tie my hands behind my back, go down on me until I’m dripping wet for you, and then fuck me, with your hand in my hair, pulling just how I like it.” “Good girl, you remembered,” he whispers, eyes now on my mouth. I love when he says good girl, and he knows it. “And you remembered that I like you saying that to me.” “I remember everything about you,” he says, running his thumb across my lower lip. He brings his lips back to mine, and eventually I pull away because otherwise we’re about to give this cab driver a show. There’s no air left inside the vehicle, the tension so thick that you could slice it with a knife. I still can’t believe he’s here. He runs his hand up my inner thigh, but doesn’t try and touch me any

further. I kind of wish he would, but it’s probably better if we wait, because once we start we aren’t going to be able to stop. We get to his hotel and he pays the driver, then opens the door and waits for me to get out. We rush through the hotel reception, and step into the lift, kissing each other as soon as the doors shut. He lifts me up against the side of the lift, running his hands up my thighs, his fingers so close to my pussy, yet he doesn’t touch me there yet. As soon as the lift comes to a stop, he puts me down and we hurry to his room. As soon as we’re inside, he closes the door, lifts me up in his arms, and carries me to the bed, sitting down with me now straddling his lap. We kiss hungrily, deeply, desperately, our hands wandering, mine clutching his back while his grip the globes of my arse. He lifts my dress up, and I help get it off me so I’m just in my black lace bra and panties. “LN strikes again hey,” he murmurs, making me laugh. I don’t know about being a lingerie ninja, but I’m glad he got to see this set, because it’s my new favourite. I bury my face in his neck, kissing him there while he undoes my bra, letting my breasts free. I can feel his hard cock straining to get free too, so I slide off him and stand in front of him, remove my panties, then lower myself to my knees, undoing his zipper and taking his cock into my hands. “Fuck, I’ve missed you,” I say. “Are you saying that to me, or my dick?” he asks, sounding a mixture of amused and turned on. I raise my eyes to him, flash him a sultry grin, and then take him into my mouth. He makes that growling sound, and fuck how I’ve missed it. It urges me on, even more, and I take him in even deeper. With another growl, he gently pushes me off him, stands, and pulls something out of his bedside table. Is that… rope? “I don’t want to know who that was meant for,” I growl, staring up at him from my position on my knees. “I haven’t used it on anyone, relax.” I grit my teeth together. It’s always the same shit with him, and I always

keep getting mad when I have no reason to. My eyes go back to his cock, which is still hard and right in front of my face. I lick my lips. “Fuck,” he grits out in a husky tone, sliding his pants off. “And don’t look at my dick like that, Taye. It’s my turn to play. You can have yours after.” I love when he gets like this. “Get on the bed and lie on your stomach,” he says when I just sit there, probably staring up at him with love hearts in my eyes. I do as I’m told, lying on my stomach with my legs spread apart and my arse in the air. I know which position he wants me in. “Good girl,” he rumbles, gently taking my wrists and tying them together behind my back. I still, waiting for him to make his next move. I know what it’s going to be, or at least I think I do. He runs his hand up my spine though, then slides my hair to the side, exposing the back of my neck. He grips it, his hold possessive, then places a kiss there. I close my eyes and really feel the moment, my breath hitching when he kisses all the way down my spine, taking his time, down my arse, and then starts to lick my pussy. Fuck. There’s no way I’m going to last at this rate, and I don’t care if I don’t. We have all night, and I know he’s going to make up for lost time, and make me come over and over again. And as always, I’m up for the challenge.

***** He makes me come with his mouth, then fucks me from behind until I come again, before he finishes himself, coming all over my arse, back and arms. He then unties my binds, while I all but fall flat onto the mattress. He cleans off my back then lies down next to me on the bed. I lift my head up to look at him. “I already want you again.”

His lip twitches before he lifts me and rolls over so he’s on his back with me lying on top of him. “Climb up,” he commands. “I want to taste you again.” He doesn’t have to tell me twice. I give him a long, deep kiss, then straddle his face, lowering my pussy onto his mouth, and moaning at the first point of contact. He grips my hips, pulling me down onto him more, and then starts to tease me, licking everywhere except my clit. “Eli,” I groan when I can’t take it anymore. He licks and then sucks my clit, and I hold on to the headboard for dear life, looking down and watching him with heavy lidded eyes. My orgasm hits me out of nowhere and takes over my body, my thighs start to tremble, and Eli holds most of my weight up while I softly say his name and make sounds only he brings out of me. When I can’t take anymore, I slide off him and cuddle next to him, practically on him, but I don’t care. “Holy shit,” I murmur, catching my breath. And then he’s on top of me and inside me, and everything turns into a giant blur of pleasure. I think I feel that way around him, even if we’re not fucking, though.

Chapter Twenty “I’m glad you didn’t get rid of this,” I say, gently tugging on his beard. “Pretty sure you would have kicked me out of this bed if I did,” he teases, his thumb softly touching around my nipple in sweet circles. I grin, but we both know there’s not much that would make me do something like that. My willpower doesn’t work when it comes to him. “Perhaps,” I say, closing my eyes. “I am quite fond of the beard.” “I know,” he says, flicking my nipple. “Now about this list… if we want to get through everything we better start now.” My eyes quickly open. “The list? You remember that?” “Of course I do.” “I thought you’d forgotten me,” I admit, showing a little vulnerability. We haven’t spoken in so long, and with the way we left things the last time I saw him, I have no idea what to think. “Taye, I couldn’t forget you if I tried,” he confesses softly. I process that for a few long seconds, then ask, “What did you have in mind?” He grins, and then lowers his mouth to my breasts.

***** “Well, that’s two things off the list,” I say, wiping sand off my butt. After fucking in the ocean, we moved to the sand for round two. It’s evening, and a warm night, so anyone could come upon us, but lucky for us we chose a beach that is quite deserted. If someone appeared, I don’t think I could have stopped anyway. “Maybe we should do it again, just in case,” he says, grinning wolfishly and opening a beer. “You were right though, this beach is beautiful.” “I told you,” I say, glancing around. “I fell in love with it.” I pause and

add, “And as for doing it again, you know you don’t even have to ask.” His deep chuckle warms me. We lie on giant towels and stare at the sky, talking about everything and anything. I ask him nosy questions, and he deflects, just like old times. He doesn’t like to give too much away. He says I’m like a journalist, and that he tells me more than most, but I don’t see why he doesn’t tell me all. He’s safe with me, his secrets, his soul, his heart, everything. I don’t judge him for anything that he’s done, I just want to know him. I’m greedy for him, hungry. I don’t think I could ever be close enough; I want to know every inch of him. I’d never want to change anything about him. He’s more than enough just as he is. “Have you gotten even more ripped since the last time you were here?” I ask, running my fingers over his biceps. “Must be all the working out I did after you sent me all those fucking pics and videos,” he says, trying to sound put off. “You know how to torture a man, you know that? Every picture I saw made me want you so badly.” I grin. “All the boxing, hey.” He shakes his head, a smirk on his lips. “I don’t think I’ve ever boxed more in my life.” “That was a long time ago now. You can’t use that as an excuse.” “And you think I don’t have some of those pictures saved?” he asks, smirking. “You going to sit there and act like you were sexually frustrated?” I tease, lifting my chin. “We all know that wasn’t the case at all, playboy.” “Hardly,” he says, studying me. “And just because I wasn’t a saint doesn’t mean that I wasn’t craving you. I told you, Taye. Sex can be just sex.” “If only I could see things as easily,” I say, with a sigh. It would make my life much easier. I need to start thinking like a man, instead of letting all these feelings and bullshit get in the way. “It’s not a bad thing to be as open and loving as you,” he says, sitting up and offering me his hand. “We should get back. I told you I was going to cook

dinner for you tonight.” I smirk and let him lift me to my feet. He’s good in the kitchen, and so am I, so naturally it’s become a bit of a playful competition between us. I’m staying in an apartment equipped with a kitchen, so we’re going to go there. Keisha is spending time with her new man, so she doesn’t mind that I’ve been a little absent. However, tomorrow I’m spending the day with her, just the two of us. “Race you back,” Eli says, laughing as he starts to run. I shake my head and chase after him. He challenges me, and even when we part ways once more, I think I’m going to be left a better person than I was before. And when a man leaves you standing strong, instead of crawling, I think you know he’s a good one. My heart was broken last time, but I’m in a different place now, and I know what to expect. With Eli, you need to enjoy him without getting attached to him. Love him, and then let him be free. I won’t be trying to cage him this time. If I believed in soul mates… I’d say he were mine.

***** ‘Motivation’ by Kelly Rowland starts to play, and I grin against his mouth. This song is so sexy, and I wouldn’t mind him fucking me to it. “What’s that about?” he asks, amusement dancing in his eyes. “Nothing,” I say, smirking. “Taye.” “Eli.” “What?” “I like this song is all,” I say, lifting my dress up and over my head. I have on a red-and-black strappy bra tonight, with the matching panties of course. “I see,” he murmurs, eyes on my breasts. They look particularly good in this bra, if I say so myself. “Someone is in a mood to play.”

“Aren’t I always around you?” I ask, pulling him closer to me by his Tshirt. I’m never usually so bold with men, but with Eli I know I can truly be myself. It’s such a freeing feeling. “Yes,” he growls, pushing the straps of my bra down. “You are.” Next minute we’re both naked, and he’s fucking me on the kitchen table.

***** “Can you stay longer?” he asks me, and I roll over in bed to look at him. “No, I have to go home,” I tell him softly, kissing his chest. The time for my holiday is over, and he’s got another week here. “I had fun with you, Eli. I’m glad we ran into each other again.” “Me too,” he admits, lazily running circles over my back. “Whatever happened to that guy you were with on New Year’s?” he asks, and I wonder how long he’s been wanting to know this. “I broke up with him the next day,” I admit, cringing. “You broke up with him and never told me? I stayed in town for another night before I went home, I think I was secretly hoping you’d change your mind,” he says, and my eyes widen at his admission. “I couldn’t,” I tell him. “I didn’t want to be that person, I felt really bad over the Chris thing, he was a really nice guy.” “Then why didn’t you stay with him?” he asks, waiting patiently for my response. “Because he wasn’t you,” I say, sitting up and looking him in the eye. “No one can compare to you, Eli, and that’s the problem.” I’m not asking anything from him this time, I’m just telling him the truth. I don’t expect anything from him, even to see him again. But he should know. He’s never asked anything from me, but I gave everything to him anyway. Last time though, I really wanted him to stay. This time, I’m giving him me without

secretly wanting anything in return. I don’t want to change his mind on anything. I don’t need Eli. I love him, and I want him, but I don’t need him. It took me a long time to see that. I kiss his lips, and fall into him, taking his hard cock and sliding it into me. This is our mutual ground, where we shine, where we connect. And since I’m leaving tomorrow, tonight is all that we have left.

Epilogue A few months later, I’m typing away furiously on my laptop. Missing someone always seems to do that to me. Writing is my way of expression, it’s how I work through my feelings and my thoughts. When someone starts banging on my door, I figure it’s Seth coming to harass me. But it’s not. It’s Eli. He’s holding a copy of my latest book, the one I just published. Fuck, did he read that? Of course he did. Does he know the hero is based on him? The fact that he’s holding it in his hand right now tells me that he might. “What are you doing here?” I ask as I open the door, surprise filling me. Why do I see him when I least suspect it? “Is how you feel in this book real?” he demands, eyes narrowing. “Is this about me?” I lick my suddenly dry lips, and open my door wider. “Come in, Eli.” He steps inside, and I walk into my bedroom and sit down on the bed. He does the same. I glance down at the book in his hands, the one with the bearded guy on the cover. He’s holding a woman in his arms, just the way Eli holds me. “Yes, it’s how I feel,” I admit to him, wrapping my arms around myself. “You know how I feel about you, Eli.” He shakes his head, like no, he didn’t know. “This book is…” he clears his throat. “Amazing. You are so talented. And if this is about me….” “It is.” “You really see me like that?” I nod. No point denying anything now. I was open in that book. I hid nothing,

even from myself. “Wait here a second,” he tells me, then heads back to the front door. I sit here, confused, staring at the copy of the book he left behind on my bed. He comes back into my room, a bag in his hand. “Do you still want me like that?” he asks, nodding to the book. I nod. He throws the bag down on the floor, the thud final, then glances back up at me. “Then you’ve got me,” is all he says. “What do you mean I’ve got you?” I ask, confused. “Why the hell do you have a bag with you? Did work send you back?” “Nope,” he says, sounding cheerful. “They didn’t. I quit. I’m going to find a local job here.” “What?” I ask, jaw dropping open. “You quit? You’re going to find a job here, in town?” “Yes,” he says, smiling at me. “And I’m moving in. Do you have wardrobe space for me? I know you have a lot of shit.” I’m sorry, what? I lose it. “Have you lost your fucking mind?” I yell, standing up and glowering down at him. “Eli, what the fuck? Are you on drugs?” He closes the space between us, and gently grips my chin in his hand. “I love you, Taye.” That shuts me up. “I fucked up. I wasn’t ready before, and I had no idea what I wanted. I’m done living without you. After everything I went through with my ex, I didn’t want to get into another relationship, or go through any of that anymore, but fuck if you haven’t made me fall in love with you. I think I’ve always been in love with you, I was just fighting it. I don’t want to fight anymore, Taye. After reading that book… seeing myself through your eyes… How could I not?”

Is this a dream? I pinch myself. “Did you just pinch yourself?” he asks, looking on the verge of laughter. “You’re serious about this?” I ask him, crossing my arms over my chest so I don’t reach out for him. “You love me, and so you’ve decided you’re moving in?” “Yes.” I pause, then ask, “Is your taxi light on?” His lips twitch as he replies with, “Taxi light? Only for a certain passenger. Now come here.” I do as I’m told. He kisses me, then rests his forehead against mine. “Let me hear the words.” “What words?” “The ones you told my brother, but not me,” he explains, tucking my hair back behind my ear. “Your brother is a snitch.” “Taye,” he says, voice turning to a growl. Aaaannnd just like that, I’m turned on. “I love you,” I say, then jump on him. He catches me. Then he throws me onto the bed. “Eli?” “Yes, miss.” “I still don’t know your last name.” He laughs. And I fall in love all over again. The End