Unveiling Fate - Jeannine Allison(ang.)

Unveiling Fate Copyright © 2017 Jeannine Allison Edited By: Stephanie Parent Cover Design © Sarah Hansen, Okay Creations Interior Design: Champagne Book Design All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations for a book review. This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Table of Contents Title Page Copyright Dedication Epigraph Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty-One Epilogue

Unveiling Fate Playlist Acknowledgements About The Author Other Books

For anyone who has ever felt invisible, alone, or unwanted… I see you.

“Life had broken her; just as it had broken him. But when they got together, their pieces became whole. And they continued on their journey, together, mended as one.” —Steve Maraboli

Age 14

NOTHING. That was what I felt as I stood in the corner, alone, watching everyone dance. No one looked my way. The last person who spoke to me—an hour ago—was only interested in where the bathrooms were. I swayed to the music, trying to keep a friendly smile on my face and look approachable. But with every passing minute, as one person after another walked right by without seeing me, it became harder and harder to act unaffected. Looking down, I smoothed my hands over my dress, remembering the conversation I’d had with my mother before I left earlier tonight. “I’m leaving,” I called out to her as she sat at the kitchen table. My father was nowhere in sight. “Have fun.” “Do you like my dress?” Her gaze lifted, slightly annoyed. “Blue would have been better,” she said dismissively. I stared

down at my mint green dress, the one I’d been in love with since I first tried it on, and my smile faded. “Oh. Okay. Is there a certain time you want me home?” She always had a strict curfew for my older brother, Damien, who had just turned sixteen. I would only assume she’d have one for her fourteen-year-old daughter as well. Eyes down, she waved a hand my way. “No. Whenever is fine, Eleanor.” I’d tried to be excited, like most kids with no curfew would be, but I just felt hollow. My mother didn’t say another word—or spare me another glance—before I slipped out the door and climbed into the limo my parents had on hand. They couldn’t be bothered to drive me places. I knew Damien would have given me a lift, but he was at an art expo this weekend and I hadn’t wanted to pull him away from it. Her words were on repeat in my mind. It was stupid. It didn’t even make sense. But I found myself wondering, would a blue dress have been better? Would I be out on the dance floor, laughing and throwing my arms in the air, if I’d bought a blue dress? Would I be getting swept off my feet if I was wearing a blue dress? “Hey,” came a friendly voice. My gaze lifted to find Carl Tate standing in

front of me. I smiled wider and stood a little straighter. My eyes flickered to his girlfriend, who stood behind him, and I gave her a small wave. She returned it with an easy grin. “Hi.” “Could you take our picture?” he asked, holding out a camera. “Oh, of course.” I laughed, watching him reach back and twirl his girlfriend into his side, before quickly snapping the photo. “Thanks, dude.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ve told you a million times, Carl. Girls don’t like to be called dude.” He cringed, appearing genuinely remorseful. “It’s just a habit.” “It’s not a problem.” I glanced over at the table I’d seen them at. It looked like there was an empty chair or two. “Would you mind if I joined—?” “We’ll catch ya later…” Carl said at the same time, wavering at the end. He didn’t know my name. He brushed it off, like it had been his plan to end it that way, and they began walking away. I didn’t know if he’d heard me, but based on the way his girlfriend looked over her shoulder and smiled, this time with pity, I guessed at least she had. There was nothing cruel in the interaction, but an ache settled in my chest all the same. Her dress was blue.

I looked around for a distraction when I saw one of my former teachers walking my way. “Hi, Mrs. Kay,” I said brightly before she passed. It would probably be uncool to stand here and talk to a teacher, but she had been one of my favorites, and I’d hardly seen her since last year when I took her geometry class. She paused and gave me one of her warm grins. “How are you? Are you having fun?” “Yeah,” I said. It wasn’t a complete lie. I always enjoyed talking to her. “How is—” “Oops, I have to go.” Her gaze moved across the room. “But it was good to see you, Ally.” She was already walking away, so she couldn’t see my smile fall. “It’s Ellie,” I whispered. But no one was there to hear it. I probably could have shouted and gotten the same response. For the first time that night, I let my sadness through. My eyes welled with tears, and I shifted farther back into the shadows where no one could see me. No one sees you anywhere. The ache in my chest intensified, but for some reason I stayed. I stood there for another hour. No one asked me to dance. No one even said hello. I got a few nods from the girls in some of my classes, but other than that, I could have been a mural on the wall for how much anybody noticed

me. “Pssst…” I whirled around, looking for the source of the sound. A few feet away I saw a group of four students. I’d seen them around but we never shared classes. “C’mere.” One of the guys waved me toward them. I hesitated before slowly walking over. They all seemed unnaturally happy. “Hi,” the original guy said. “What’s your name?” “Ellie.” My mother was the only one who called me Eleanor; my father didn’t call me anything. “I’m John.” He held out his hand and I shook it. “What are you guys doing back here?” I asked, looking between them. One of the girls giggled like it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. “Not much.” He pulled out a flask. I assumed alcohol was in there, but I’d never had a drop before. Never even thought about it. “Want some?” “Oh, umm…” I glanced back at the other students and the chaperones. No one was looking, but still… “I’m okay.” “C’mon. It’ll take the edge off.” He waved it in front of me with a grin. “Well, sure… I guess.” One sip couldn’t hurt. I took the container and tipped it back. The liquid burned my throat and I immediately bent over,

coughing like I was losing a lung. That’s disgusting. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t drank as much, but I still couldn’t imagine enjoying it. John patted my back and pulled me into his side, still smiling wide. “Your first time?” Nodding, I coughed some more. “Don’t worry,” the other guy said. “You’ll get used to it.” John nudged the flask toward my mouth again. Reluctantly, I took a much smaller sip. I wanted to throw it all back up. “I’m Darcy, by the way. We’ll show you how it’s done,” a girl said. “That’s what friends are for,” John finished. And jeez, did he ever stop smiling? I stared at my new “friends” and took another sip. It wasn’t as bad the third time. Darcy was cheering and John was smiling down at me. I wasn’t alone. It didn’t feel like belonging. But it felt like something. And maybe that just had to be enough. Maybe that was all I was meant to get.

I WAS SITTING IN the back corner of the restaurant, staring down at the papers in front of me, when the waitress dropped off my glass of water. The words blurred as my thoughts wandered for the third time. I wasn’t sure what to expect from this meeting, and it was causing me to lose focus. Those nerves were the only reason I didn’t order a cup of coffee like I normally would. My eyes strayed to the window. The trademark Arizona sun was nowhere to be seen in the overcast January sky. Couples huddled closer as the wind picked up. Looking away from the intimate scenes, I glanced down at the top page for a fourth time. “Officer Mable?” I looked up and found an unfamiliar man standing next to the table. He was tall and fit, with sandy blond hair that probably touched his shoulders when it wasn’t in a bun like it was now. Both of his arms were covered in tattoos, one filled with color while the other only had pictures in

black ink. His all-black attire and laced boots confirmed my suspicion. This was the bouncer my younger brother, Steve, wanted me to meet with. Damien. If I was someone else I might be intimidated. But I wasn’t. It took a lot to unsettle me. I stood up and held out my hand. “Please, call me Grayson.” He gave me a nod and placed his hand in mine. “Damien.” “Good to meet you.” “Same,” he said as we sat down. Damien grabbed a menu while I pulled out a pen and my pocket notebook, setting them both on the table. The notebook was crooked, so I slowly adjusted it until it was straight and in line with my pen. “You’re not eating?” he asked. Glancing up, I said, “I already ordered. Steve didn’t have any details and you were quite cryptic over the phone, so I need to ask. There’s nothing illegal going on here, correct?” My stare was hard on his. “No, she’s sober.” My eyebrows rose and Damien quickly forgot about his menu. “She?” I asked. “My sister, Eleanor.” The torment swimming in his eyes was one I was familiar with. He looked helpless and unsure, something I’d bet he didn’t feel often. Something he probably hated. I knew I hated it.

Refocusing, I nodded and flipped open my notebook. “How old is she?” “Twenty.” “And you said she’s sober?” He nodded and I followed up with, “For how long?” Grabbing the back of his neck, he shifted in his seat. “I don’t know an exact date, but about two weeks.” “I see.” I paused, my eyes shifting between my notes and him. Steve had known next to nothing about the kind of trouble Damien was in. And since I’d become distant with my family, Steve was so excited to have me on the phone that he spent most of the time asking me about my life and what I was up to. I saw them several times a year, as much as it took to not completely cut myself off or have them be angry. But we weren’t as close as we’d once been. Shaking my head, I looked back at Damien. Today wasn’t about my problems. “What is it you think I can do for you? Or her? I’m just a street officer.” “I know. But I also know you want to work in narcotics, and alcohol and drugs typically—” “Go hand-in-hand,” I finished. “Yeah. And I just think having you in my corner might help.” Damien stopped and covered his mouth. After a few seconds his hand fell away and he added, “She’s pregnant.”

“Is this the reason she wants to get sober?” “Yes. I mean she’s always wanted it, she’s tried before. But this time she’s serious, she… she wants to be a good mother.” Damien’s voice cracked on the last word. “It certainly is a good incentive, but her commitment to staying sober is probably higher right now because of the news. It’ll wear off. Addicts—” “She’s my sister,” he snapped, cutting me off. “She’s not just an addict. You can’t lump her in with the people you’ve dealt with.” I winced. It wasn’t fair of me. But Damien also needed to understand the severity of the situation. I rested my hands on top of my notebook and said, “I meant no offense. But you came to me for a reason. Because on some level, all alcoholics are struggling. I’m not saying this as an insult, just a fact. Addiction is difficult to deal with, and pretending that Eleanor is separate from other addicts will not help her. Yes, I know she’s probably not violent or engaging in illegal activities. But there are levels of addiction and we don’t know where she is at this point. So I need you to try and be as objective as possible. And I will try to be as subjective as possible. Deal?” He hesitated, his fingers impatiently tapping on the table. After a few seconds he nodded. “Good.” I picked up my pen and fixed my

notebook. “Now, who’s her support system? The father? Her parents?” Damien regretfully shook his head. “The father was just an indiscretion, and our parents aren’t in the picture either. It’s just me.” I paused with my pen suspended above the paper. “Only you?” “I’m trying to get her into a program as well.” “Good. She’ll need other people. But I still don’t understand how you think I can help.” He sighed and ran a hand over his head. “I don’t really know either. I just couldn’t sit around and continue to do nothing. Having your number seemed like a practical idea. Like I said, I feel like you’re someone I should have in my corner. Steve was always talking about how dedicated you are to your job and to helping people.” I nodded, trying to keep my demons—all the people I didn’t help—at bay. I’d slowly learned that the best way to help people was to stay detached. The second feelings got involved, a person lost sight. “I am,” I finally answered. “Well, she needs help. More help than I can give,” he admitted, and I could tell it took a lot for him to say those words. “She needs all the help she can get.” Without giving it any more thought, I nodded. What else could I do? Even though there wasn’t a

plan or an immediate job for me, I’d be there for him—and Eleanor—if needed. I didn’t need more convincing. His desperation reminded me too much of my own. I hadn’t been enough, but maybe with my help, Damien could be. As lunch continued, I gave him some numbers I had on hand and a few names of potential sponsors. I wasn’t sure what would come of all this; I only knew I had to help.

It’d been almost two months since I’d met Damien. We’d had a few conversations between then and now, but nothing concrete seemed to come of them. I felt like it was time I met Ellie. Maybe that would help me see what my role in her rehabilitation was going to be. Damien had never mentioned it and I wasn’t sure if that was deliberate, but I wanted to meet the woman I was giving him advice on. It was on my drive home from work that I made the decision to go to his apartment. Glancing at the dashboard, I saw it was a little past eight o’clock. I already knew he was working

for most of the day tomorrow, and thankfully I had the day off, so I planned to go to their apartment in the afternoon. I pulled into my driveway and put the car in park. When I opened the door and saw I was a bit crooked, I softly shut it and shifted into reverse, straightening the car out. Once I was satisfied, I stepped out of my vehicle, my eyes tracking any movement on my street, looking for signs of trouble out of habit. All other thoughts fled when my gaze landed on the lone box sitting on my welcome mat. I immediately stopped at the end of my walkway. I knew what it was; it was the same thing I found in front of my door every year on this day: March 6. For some reason it always surprised me. Moving forward, I kept my eyes on it, as if I could make it disappear, as if I could will away the love behind it. It would never happen. My family— all eight of them—were hell-bent on staying in my life, even though I didn’t make it easy. Bending down, I picked it up and fished my key out of my pocket. A few moments later I had the door shut and locked and my coat hanging in the front closet. After I put my wallet and keys in their respective cubbies by the front door, I walked into the kitchen and set the box down in the middle of the clean counter, where a single placemat sat. I

had four barstools and a kitchen table that sat six, yet I always ate in the same place. And I always ate alone. It wasn’t for lack of effort by other people—the box waiting for me proved as much. I surveyed the area, pleased with how immaculate everything appeared. No dishes were left in the sink, nor were any drying on the counter. The chairs were all neatly pushed in and the floor was so clean a person could eat off it. When I walked down the hall and into my bedroom, it looked the same way. Nothing was out of place. My dirty clothes were all in the hamper, my dresser was clear of junk, and the bed was neatly made. I quickly shuffled out of my uniform and put everything in its rightful place before changing into a soft T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. Then I walked into the bathroom—also decluttered and clean—and took out my contacts before slipping on my black-framed glasses. My bare feet padded through my bedroom, down the hall, and back into the kitchen. I removed a small white plate from the cabinet above the stove and brought it to the counter. My fingers made quick work of removing the blue wrapping paper and neatly folding it. Opening the trash can with my foot, I dropped the paper inside. The nondescript white box had a post-it note attached to it. There was only a single word on it.

Still. Emotion rose within me like it always did, but I forced it back down. I had to. After placing the note in a drawer next to the refrigerator, I came back and opened the box. Inside sat a single cupcake. Red velvet with cream cheese frosting. My favorite. I carefully lifted it out and put it on the plate. Then I untaped the lonely candle affixed in the corner of the box. I wasn’t sure why she always included one. Maybe she thought I had thrown the others out. I hadn’t. This candle would join the others once I was done. It took me a few minutes of debating before I finally stuck it through the frosting, making sure it was dead center. My feet carried me across the kitchen, where I dimmed the lights and retrieved a pack of matches. With one quick and decisive flick of my wrist, a bright flame danced in front of me. I stared for a few seconds, watching it slowly eat the wood. Before it could reach my fingers, I held it over the candle and watched the fire catch. Then I turned away to blow out the match. I quickly cleaned everything up and sat in my usual spot, bringing the plated cupcake with me. Placing it in the center of the mat, I closed my eyes for a brief second—out of habit, not because I’d made a wish—and then blew out the candle, saying goodbye to twenty-four and welcoming twenty-

five. As I watched the plume of smoke drift into the air, I whispered to the empty room, “Happy birthday.”

Change. “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” —Socrates My eyes were glued to the words. I’d stared at them for so long I knew every curve of every letter. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a bright blue butterfly. The image was vivid and large. That was the reason I was drawn to this poster more than any of the others. It sucked you in with its beauty, and then, once you’d read the words, settled you with its truth. There were plenty more. Teamwork. Excellence. Attitude. Focus. Possibilities. I could go on for days. Joy loved her motivational posters. But, like a magnet, the blue butterfly kept pulling my gaze back. It was the first time I’d seen it.

“Is this new?” I asked. I was still staring at it. The only indicator Joy had reentered the room was the jangling of her bracelets that covered half her forearm. I’d yet to see her without them. It was fitting how her jewelry acted as a signal of her arrival; she was the type of beautiful you’d expect to be announced. She constantly looked like a bronzed goddess, courtesy of her love of the outdoors, and her long black hair fell in messy waves down her back. Joy was the girl to literally have flowers in her hair. Her no makeup and flowy skirt style was similar to my own. My preferred clothing of choice was always thigh-high socks and an oversized Tshirt, but I couldn’t exactly go out of the apartment that way, so when I did I made myself comfortable by wearing long, loose-fitting skirts and tank tops. Joy’s carefree nature was part of what drew me to her when I was looking for a sponsor. She was twenty-seven and had been sober for over seven years. She was also one of the most laid-back people I’d ever met. It was hard to believe she’d ever struggled with addiction. I admired Joy because I saw myself in her. I saw parts of who I was and parts of who I wanted to be, and if she could make the change, why couldn’t I? “It is.” I could hear the smile in her voice as she confirmed it was a new addition. “I saw it at the

market the other day and I knew I had to have it.” She stepped up beside me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “It’s awesome, right?” Nodding, I rested my hands on my slightly distended belly and took a deep breath through the pain. I was only four months along and my lower back was already aching. My eyes filled with tears as I imagined holding him for the first time. This baby may not have been created out of love—rather an alcohol-induced one-night stand with a guy I couldn’t even remember—but he would be loved. I already loved him more than I could describe. I turned my head toward Joy, cringing at the sight of her worried expression. It wasn’t unfounded, though—everyone had a right to be concerned. After struggling with an alcohol addiction for nearly six years, finding out I was pregnant was a shock to everyone. I could still remember standing in the bathroom, one hand covering my mouth while the other ghosted over my flat stomach looking for any signs of a change. I’d stumbled back into the wall. The gravity of the situation overwhelmed me. Damien had gently tried to bring up adoption, but I wouldn’t consider it. There was nothing wrong with adoption. I knew there were plenty of couples in this world who weren’t able to have a child. I also knew sometimes the greater sacrifice was to let

your baby go. The only brave thing you could do as a parent was what was best for your child, even if it wasn’t what was best for you, even if it broke your heart in two. But despite all the negatives, I truly believed my baby would be better off with me. I didn’t believe I’d never make a mistake, and I couldn’t guarantee I’d always be able to buy him anything and everything he ever wanted. Regardless of all that, I could absolutely promise to love him with all my heart, and more than anyone else ever would. I told Damien all this and being the awesome brother he was, he agreed to help me in any way he could. He must have seen how determined I was to change. To forget the people from my past who made me feel worthless and focus on the current people in my life who made me feel irreplaceable. It wouldn’t happen overnight, but little signs, like this motivational poster, made me feel like I could do it. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Joy asked, pushing one of my long blonde strands of hair behind my ear. She gave me all her attention when we were together. Joy had been my sponsor for less than two months and she already felt invaluable. I’d tried to get sober before, ever since I started drinking at the tender age of fourteen. None of my attempts ever

stuck. It was probably because I’d always gone at it alone; I never attended AA or sought out someone like Joy. Once I got pregnant I knew that had to change. I grabbed at any resource available, no matter how anxious it made me. This wasn’t just about me anymore. Heck, it wasn’t even mostly about me. It was about my child. Turning toward Joy, I finally answered her, “Yeah. I’m just thinking.” She eyed the poster thoughtfully. Then she walked over to her dark purple couch and took a seat. “You know, any woman would be scared at this time in her life. Having a baby is a huge deal.” Nodding, I joined her. “I know. I just feel extra nervous…” “Why?” she asked as she handed me a cup of tea. “I feel unsettled. Like there’s something more I should be doing.” I looked from my cup to her. “Does that make any sense?” “Yes.” Joy’s hand covered mine and she squeezed. “You’re ready to change. To move forward, but you’re still in this in-between place while you wait for the baby to be born. All you can do is take it one day at a time.” My eyes moved back to the quote. Don’t fight the old, build the new. I wanted to fight. God, did I want to. But what

if fighting was out of your control? What if the old kept grasping for you, clawing at you, desperate to get you back in its clutches? That was what being a recovering alcoholic felt like. Every day was a victory, but it was also another struggle. And yet… “I’m trying, little guy.” I looked down at my stomach. “I’m trying.”

I spent the morning after I hung out with Joy watching TV, feeling completely useless. I hated the fact that Damien worked two jobs while I held none. Even before I was pregnant I never had one. He said he didn’t mind, and I didn’t think he was lying. He didn’t necessarily love being a bouncer, but I knew he liked his coworkers a lot so that made up for it in his mind. Besides, he only worked there three nights a week. His main job was as a tattoo artist at Inked 101, a popular tattoo shop right on the edge of Carillo University’s campus, where he worked six days a week. Even though he’d had both jobs for almost a year, ever since the club opened, he had never worked this much. Only when he found out I was pregnant did he request

more hours. His plan was to work a bunch now and save up, and then cut back once the baby arrived. Sometimes I wondered how I got so lucky with him. He’d had every reason to walk away from me. I was the reason we’d both left the house and were cut off from our parents. Damien always had a decent relationship with them, but when I was fifteen and he was seventeen, he took me away from what he thought was a toxic environment for me. They’d just discovered my drinking problem. I’d spent my entire life wishing they’d pay attention, hoping they’d come to love and care about me. Once they finally noticed, I almost wished they hadn’t. Since Damien was on the verge of failing out of high school and I was already such a wreck, he saw no reason for us to stay. Now, faced with raising a baby, I was nervous about how I was going to provide for my child as a high school dropout and recovering alcoholic. I walked down the hall toward the bedrooms— the apartment only had two, one for each of us— and I stood in the doorway of my room. My hands were resting on my stomach as I looked around. There was a full bed on one side and an empty corner across from it where I was planning on putting the crib. The few baby things we’d gotten were in a chest next to the vacant space. It wasn’t perfect, but I was grateful all the same.

Damien was going to have to pay for most of it. I wasn’t too proud to accept help, especially for my child, but after years of making Damien’s life difficult I wanted to be able to give him something. He didn’t want me worrying about that right now, though. My focus needed to be on the baby and staying healthy. But no matter what, I’d vowed to explore my options after the birth. Feeling a little bit better, I moved into the kitchen to grab a popsicle—a craving that had nothing to do with my pregnancy. My eyes moved to the clock above the stove. It was almost one o’clock. Damien wouldn’t be back from the tattoo parlor for another few hours. I’d just stuck the frozen treat in my mouth when two firm knocks echoed throughout the apartment. I moved toward the door with a frown. The only possibility I could think of was his new girlfriend, Naomi. They’d met a couple months ago and she’d quickly wormed her way into my brother’s heart. My feet slowed and I yelled through the door, “Who is it?” “Officer Mable.” I froze, my back straightening and my palms sweating. What the hell would the police be doing here? Shaking off my nerves, I slowly opened the door. “Hello?”

My heart was in my throat, running over dozens of scenarios of things I could have done wrong. The friends I’d had while drinking weren’t exactly valedictorians and honor students. Most of them were high school dropouts aiming to make a living through illegal activities. And since I’d started drinking so young, I had committed a crime every time I took a sip of alcohol. But those days were in my past. That wasn’t my life anymore. A thought suddenly struck me. “Oh God. Is it my brother? Did something happen to Damien? Is he—?” “No, no. Nothing’s happened. Damien is fine. I’m actually a friend of his. Clearly he’s not home, but do you know when he’ll be back?” Officer Mable peered around me into the living room, where a bag of Cheetos was abandoned on the coffee table from when I was watching TV this morning. My eyes ran over him. Nothing about him was out-of-this-world; individually everything was average. He had brunette hair, the sides cut close to his head while the top was full and thick, the kind that was perfect for burying your fingers in. There was also a slight amount of stubble on his cheeks, little enough that he still looked presentable. And his dark brown eyes were framed by thin black lashes—the only reason I’d noticed was because Naomi had recently railed against how unfair it was

that some men had better eyelashes than her. Despite his “average” characteristics, the combination of them made me squirm. Not to mention, there was nothing average about his build. I suppose, as a police officer, he needed to be fit, and a quick glance proved that to be sure. I was awkward on my best day, but around an attractive guy like this, I’d be lucky if I made it through the conversation without embarrassing myself. Multiple thoughts hit me at once. When did Damien become friends with this guy? Who was this guy? Why—? “Do you know when your brother will be back?” he asked again. I looked back up at him, unable to decipher the expression on his face. It was somewhere between curious and distrustful. I wondered if Damien had told him about my past… no, he wouldn’t betray my confidence that way. He knew how embarrassed I was by it; he wouldn’t tell some stranger whom I’d never even heard of before. That relaxed me. “Uh, no. I don’t. Not an exact time.” I shifted on my feet and felt something cold hit my hand. Glancing down, I realized my orange popsicle was melting. Without thinking, I ran my tongue over the

spot on my finger and then licked the popsicle. Only when my eyes met Officer Mable did I realize what I’d done. My face flamed as I quickly took the popsicle out of my mouth. “Sorry,” I whispered. “It’s okay.” He cleared his throat, looking as unsure as I felt. “I apologize for stopping by. I should have called before coming over.” “That’s okay,” I rushed out. “Do you, uh, do you wanna come in?” His eyes raked over me and I wondered what he saw. Too thin. Stupid. Useless. Careless. Lazy. I squeezed my eyes shut as my mother’s voice floated unbidden through my mind. “Actually, I have to get going.” “Oh, okay,” I said. He moved to turn around without another word when I stopped him. “Hey.” “Yes?” “What’s your name?” The officer hesitated for only a moment. “Grayson.” I was holding the popsicle with my dominant hand, so I simply lifted my left hand and gave him a small wave. “I’m Ellie.” I tried to hold back a

cringe. I probably looked like a child to him. My worries disappeared because Grayson didn’t seem to care one way or another—after a quick nod, he pivoted away from me and practically ran down the stairs. My frown deepened as I shut the door. Maybe he was being kind by not reacting to my weirdness, but honestly I would have preferred some kind of acknowledgement. But no. Just like with everyone else, I was a mere passing thought to him. He wouldn’t remember me. No one ever did.

DOGS BEING DRAGGED BEHIND cars. Babies being neglected and abandoned. Children getting beaten by their parents. Women getting sexually assaulted. These were some of the reasons I didn’t believe in fate. How could I? How could I believe in things like fate and destiny and meant-to-be when shit like this went on in the world? In what universe were these things meant to happen? What higher power would demand these things to happen? None I wanted to follow or believe in. And the people who believed in fate were either fools or just plain weak. Fate was for cowards, who wanted to shove their poor decisions off on a force greater than them. People were responsible for their own lives. Things didn’t happen to me. No, every action was a result of a decision I made. I believed all those things to be true,

wholeheartedly. As it turned out, it only took one moment, one tiny moment, for my entire world to be flipped upside down. I never saw that moment coming, of course. I walked up to Damien Harrington’s apartment and knocked on the door like it was any other day. “Who is it?” a voice called. “Officer Mable.” The door swung open, and it was his complete opposite. Fair skin. Long, light blonde hair neatly brushed and falling over her shoulder. And despite her round stomach, courtesy of being four months pregnant, I could tell she normally had a slight build. But what struck me most was her hazel eyes. Despite everything Damien told me, they were bright and determined… and so beautiful I needed to remind myself to breathe. She was wearing a baggy gray T-shirt that skimmed her knees and a pair of black thigh-high socks with the face of a cat at the top. There were only a couple inches of bare skin between the two, yet something about her outfit made her look exposed. “Hello?” she asked with an uneasy expression. I hadn’t responded; I was still too busy staring. Something about her was familiar and terrifying. She began to fidget. I wasn’t surprised—I’d often been told I made people uncomfortable with how I gave my complete attention. Damien had

also mentioned her skittish nature. Silence settled between us as I tried to figure out what to say. All of a sudden her eyes widened. “Oh God. Is it my brother? Did something happen to Damien? Is he—?” “No, no. Nothing’s happened. Damien is fine. I’m actually a friend of his. Clearly he’s not home, but do you know when he’ll be back?” I peered over her shoulder into the living room, adding to my lie. Funny, it hadn’t felt like one when I’d decided to come over. But now that I was here, something about meeting her this way felt strange, dishonest. “Do you know when your brother will be back?” I repeated, feeling incredibly uneasy. Should I tell her? But what was there really to tell? And shouldn’t Damien be involved in that discussion? “Uh, no. I don’t. Not an exact time.” She suddenly looked down, and my eyes followed. Her orange popsicle was melting and a few drops had landed on her finger. I watched with rapt attention as she licked them away. Then she sucked on the popsicle to stop more from falling. My gaze instinctively moved to her lips, watching her take the popsicle out of her mouth. I lifted my eyes a second before Ellie and saw her face redden. “Sorry,” she whispered. “It’s okay.” I cleared my throat. Now I felt

uneasy for an entirely different reason. “I apologize for stopping by. I should have called before coming over.” “That’s okay,” she quickly said. “Do you, uh, do you wanna come in?” My eyes moved over her again. I cursed myself and stepped away. “Actually I have to get going.” “Oh, okay.” I’d just turned when she called out, “Hey.” “Yes?” “What’s your name?” I paused. Something about telling her my name made this official, like this was truly the first moment we became aware of one another. The first time we heard each other’s names. For her that was true, for me less so. “Grayson,” I finally said. “I’m Ellie.” She gave me a small smile as she held up her hand and waved. It was fucking adorable. She seemed too sweet for her own good, and it left me unsettled. Women like her got destroyed by the world, all but eaten alive. And I suddenly felt like a fraud for agreeing to help Damien. When had I ever been able to help a woman like Ellie? I’d failed the one person who mattered most. What business did I have in trying again? Too many thoughts were swirling in my head, and I had to get away from them. I gave Ellie a

distracted nod before all but running down the stairs. My feet quickly carried me to the parking lot. I was walking fast, faster than normal, and that visceral reaction scared me. I deliberately slowed my pace as I neared my car. Not that it had done much good—she’d already seen me practically sprinting away from her. A man didn’t move in that much of a hurry unless a person had an effect on him. It wasn’t really her I was running from; it was my mind and my past. Things that were always with me. And now they were mingling with the present. With Ellie. A storm started brewing in my head, and all I could do was stand there, waiting for nature to wrap me in its clutch. This was the moment. The tiny, unforeseen moment that flipped my world upside down. All my thoughts about fate felt like a lie when my eyes fell on Ellie Harrington for the first time. I felt something around her I hadn’t felt in years. Magnetic. Buzzing. Overflowing with energy. I knew I’d never forget her. But somehow I’d have to. Because I couldn’t fail another person the way I’d failed Taylor.

My feet pounded the pavement as I hit mile three of my five-mile jog. I usually ran the same route, but now that I knew where Damien and Ellie lived, I found my legs taking me off course… right by their apartment complex. It had been two weeks since I’d first seen her, and I still felt out of sorts. So I wasn’t seeking her out—I didn’t actually think I’d see her. But as I rounded the corner and my eyes lifted to the balcony of their apartment, my body lurched to a stop at the sight of her blonde hair. It was like a beacon against the dreary buildings around her. Lifting my shirt, I wiped the sweat from my face. My chest rose and fell as I shuffled closer. Ellie was standing at the railing, her head bent and her hands on her stomach. She was wearing purple thigh-highs and a black T-shirt. I smiled, wondering if that was her standard attire. I knew why the father wasn’t around; one-night stands were hard to track down. But it seemed impossible that no guy was in the picture. I’d only met her once, but some people had an innate goodness in them that you noticed immediately. She was one of them. She was—

Crushed. That was the only way to describe her expression as she lifted her head and stared out into the distance. I was still several yards away, and a floor down, but I could see the shake of her shoulders as she cried. I watched as she pulled her arms tighter around her stomach and bit her bottom lip. I could see everything except for her eyes. The one thing I wanted most. Although I’d imagine if I did see them, I’d want to destroy whatever—or whoever—was responsible for her pain. Closing my eyes, I stepped back. No. I couldn’t do this. She reminded me too much of Taylor. Her sadness and pain called to me, and that was the very reason I had to step back. The only thing I could do was help her from afar, through Damien. Keep everything neat, just like it’d always been. That was the safest option for all. I wasn’t getting further involved. The decision was made. Without looking back, I turned around and continued my jog. I didn’t question why my heart rate and breathing hadn’t gone down in the time I stood there watching her. I just ran. My phone was ringing when I walked through

my front door twenty minutes later. I took a few deep breaths before answering. “Hello?” “Hey. It’s Damien.” “I know.” I’d seen the ID before picking up. “What’s wrong?” He paused, his agony present even in the silence. “I came home tonight and found Ellie sitting in front of a bottle of Jack.” Every part of me froze, except for the dropping of my heart. This is why she looked so devastated… I’d only spoken to her once, only seen Damien a handful of times, but this felt like my failure. My insecurities, my past, my fear, were stopping me from helping someone who truly needed it. If that wasn’t cowardly, I wasn’t sure what was. “Hello?” Damien asked when I remained silent too long. “Yeah, I’m here.” I cleared my throat as emotion crept in. “Did she drink any?” Listening to him relay the incident was more painful than I’d anticipated. It literally made me weak in the knees and I had to sit down. I didn’t even care that I was sitting on my couch dirty and covered in sweat—something I never did. My routine was always to shower before sitting down after a run. I hated the way he sounded, like he thought he’d failed. But oh, how I could relate to it.

Ellie didn’t drink any. He said the bottle was sealed. Still, after seeing her, I was sure she considered it. I was also sure those thoughts had felt like failure to her. Damien told me she was lonely, that the bottle had only been there because one of her old friends had come over to “congratulate” her on the baby. I could imagine how happy having company would have made her. The decision made by alcoholics and drug addicts to get clean often resulted in the loss of most—if not all—of their friends. Loneliness was a strange affliction that could make people do crazy things. Stupid things. I knew the feeling well. Ellie was in desperate need of some friends. Damien had told me about her sponsor, Joy, and his new girlfriend, Naomi, but they all had other commitments too. I didn’t know much about Joy, but she obviously had a life outside Ellie, although her brother said he could see how dedicated she was to helping Ellie, not just as a sponsor but as a true friend. Then there was Damien, who worked two jobs and had recently settled into his own relationship with Naomi. Plus I had a feeling he was the last person Ellie would go to if she felt stressed —she wouldn’t want to worry him. And that left Naomi, who would be starting law school in a few months. Ellie needed someone with fewer

responsibilities. Someone like me. Outside of work, I didn’t have a girlfriend or any other friends to speak of. I was never lonely like her. I enjoyed my solitude, my bubble of peace. If I wanted to be responsible for helping people, I couldn’t afford to get emotional. Emotions clouded judgment; they didn’t let you see what was right in front of you. If I wanted to help people—and that was all I wanted —it was better to keep myself at a distance. It seemed Ellie required someone a little closer, and I could do that. As long as we kept the conversations focused on her and I said little about myself, it would stay in the realm of one person helping another. Nothing more, nothing less. Damien had gotten quiet, and I could imagine all the regrets and what ifs floating through his head. “It’s okay,” I said. “What is?” “I know you want to be there for Ellie, but that doesn’t mean presenting her with some cardboard cutout of what you think she needs. She feels terrible right now because she thinks she’s let you down and that you’re mad at her.” “I’m—” “But your reactions, and sometimes your overreactions, are going to make her stronger. She

is going to see how this affects you and realize she needs to step up. She may have declined the drink but she still let her friend in, she still let her stay, and she let her leave the alcohol. But one day Ellie will be more than a passive observer in her life. One day she’ll take control. Ellie will actively take control and make better choices because she’ll want to make you proud… She’ll want to make her child proud.” I also wanted to tell him that at least he was doing something. He wasn’t burying his head in the sand, hoping the problem would solve itself. Even if he didn’t know what he was doing, even if he was grasping at straws—like reaching out to me—he was still trying. But I couldn’t say any of that. Not without revealing my own inaction all those years ago. “That makes sense,” he finally said, his voice soft and contemplative. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome. I’m ready to be there for you as much as for Ellie.” I didn’t give him a chance to refute me before hanging up. I also didn’t analyze why this felt like such a big deal, my willingness to let two people in when all I’d done for years was shut others out. My plan had been to stay away for good. But it looked like fate wasn’t done knocking me on my ass.

That was how I ended up in Babies R Us, glaring every way I turned. I wanted to get Ellie a real gift. Why I thought I knew what the fuck that should be was beyond me. I must have looked as lost as I felt. “Excuse me, dear… do you need any help?” I was preparing my polite decline as I turned around, only to be struck mute. It wasn’t an employee like I’d been expecting. The woman had to be at least eighty—her thinning hair was white and framed a weathered face. “I bet you know exactly what to get. But help an old gal feel useful,” she said with a grin. My smile easily matched hers. “I want to get a practical gift.” I turned back to the aisles, lifting my gaze to the signs. “Is this for a first-time mother?” Nodding, I looked back to the woman. “She’s also on the younger side. I want her to feel more prepared.” “What a thoughtful young man you are.” I shifted on my feet, my hands itching to straighten the pin she had on her shirt. She laughed in response. “Follow me.”

Thirty minutes later I left with a few packs of diapers and wipes, a nursery kit, and a bath time gift set. Everything was loaded in my trunk. “Thank you again. I appreciate all your help.” “Of course. That mom is one lucky lady.” She squeezed my arm before digging around in her oversized purse. Once she found what she was looking for, she handed it over. It was a Babies R Us bag. With furrowed brows I opened the bag and looked inside. “I saw you looking at it inside,” she said, confirming my suspicion. It was currently wrapped in paper, but underneath was a simple white picture frame. The words love at first sight were written on the bottom, and there was room for an ultrasound picture. “You were supposed to be going to the bathroom,” I murmured, closing the bag and looking back up at her. “It wasn’t practical.” She grinned. “Not everything needs to be.” Reaching for my wallet, I said, “Let me give you money—” “You’ll do no such thing.” The woman sounded genuinely offended. “It’s a gift.” My gaze moved back to the trunk. This was a lot. Possibly even overkill and maybe a little weird. But I got the feeling that people thought about Ellie far less than they should, so even if it was a lot, over the top, or weird, I wanted to show Ellie she deserved to be treated special.

“Thank you,” I said as I turned around to face the old woman. “You’re welcome, dear. Treat that girl and her child well.” “I’ll do my best.” Even though my best had never been enough before… The woman swayed on her feet. I quickly shut the trunk and locked the car before holding my arm out. “Let me help you to your car.” She was parked close by and after I got her settled in the front seat, she beamed up at me and patted my hand. “Such a sweet boy.” I awkwardly shifted on my feet, unsure of how to end a conversation with someone whose name I didn’t even know. The decision was made a few seconds later when she pulled her door closed and wiggled her fingers at me from the other side. I lifted my hand and returned her wave before she pulled out of the spot and left the parking lot. My palms were sweating when I got back in my car and took the same path out. I made the drive to Ellie and Damien’s apartment slower than necessary. Truthfully, I was nervous. It’d been so long since I’d done something like this, something outside of my routine. And I was headed there this time with zero expectations. I had no idea whether Damien would be there or if Ellie would even want to see me again. She didn’t know me, and I didn’t

exactly make a good impression the first time. Despite my unhurried speed, I still arrived sooner than I expected. I grabbed the one large bag that contained wipes, the nursery kit, and bath set, and one pack of diapers. I’d have to come back for the others. I knocked and waited longer than it would take someone to answer, but I was undeterred. Somehow I knew she was home. I could sense her apprehension though, while she most likely remembered what happened the last time someone came to her door. After I knocked again a soft voice asked, “Who is it?” “Grayson.” The last syllable hadn’t fully left my mouth before the door flung open, so fast I had to take a step back. My eyes did a quick sweep of her body. She was wearing thigh-highs again—this time they were pink with white stripes at the top— and a black T-shirt fell to her knees similar to before. “Hi.” She cleared her throat and I saw her fingers gripping the doorframe. Then she started fidgeting. I lifted the bag and her eyes widened. “I brought some things. Uhh… for the baby.” I used my other hand to pat the pack of diapers. “Oh.” Her surprised eyes lifted to meet mine. Then she smiled. A wide, brilliant smile that told me no matter how ridiculous I’d felt, I did the right

thing. It was the kind of smile I’d do almost anything to see again. “Come in.” She scurried backward and I crossed the threshold for the first time. My eyes took in their apartment. It was small but you could tell it was lived in, that the people there loved each other. It was displayed everywhere. On the fridge where Damien had left his sister a note, on the couch where Ellie appeared to be folding the laundry, and on the walls where several framed pictures were hung, and even some hand-drawn ones. I blindly put the Babies R Us bag and the diapers on the kitchen table before walking over to one of them. It wasn’t framed, rather tacked to the wall. My eyes traced the soft curves and simple lines of the woman he’d drawn. She was sitting on a couch, legs crossed with her hands on the sides of her rounded stomach. The smile she was wearing was different than anything I’d ever seen. It put the brilliant one she just gave me to shame. “I had no idea he was drawing me,” Ellie whispered from beside me. I shook my head. He didn’t simply draw her. He captured her. I looked at this paper and saw a million little things that told the story of who this girl was. My usual compulsion to straighten the crooked paper wasn’t there because even that felt like part of the narrative. Ellie didn’t need a frame, and she

didn’t need to be displayed on a perfectly aligned canvas. In this picture, she existed outside of all that bullshit that others hid behind. Damien showed Ellie embracing her life, the good, the bad, and the messy. Looking to my right I found her gaze on me, questioning, maybe wondering what I saw. I appraised her in the same way until she dropped her eyes and stepped back. This was the first I’d seen of Damien’s work, and I could tell he was undoubtedly gifted, but I had a feeling not even this touched who Ellie really was. I’d only been around her for a collected ten minutes, but I could tell. It was in the way she fidgeted, ready to escape your presence, or how she dropped her eyes, fearing you’d see too much. I turned around and found her standing on the opposite side of the table. “Do you want something to drink? Or maybe a popsicle?” she asked, her face growing red again. “That’s not a normal thing to offer, is it?” My lips twitched as Ellie waved a hand and laughed at herself. Pointing to the bag, she asked, “Can I look?” “Of course. They’re yours.” I stepped back and pointed toward the door. “Actually, I bought a few other packs of diapers. I’ll go grab them.” I was back in less than two minutes, and what I found gutted me. Ellie was sitting at the table,

sniffling as her shoulders shook. She startled when the door shut. Still facing away from me, her shoulders straightened, and I watched her bring her hands up to wipe away her tears. Silently, I put the diapers on the table and sat. I let out a breath of relief when I saw the picture frame in her hands. My reprieve was short-lived. “I already love him so much,” she blurted out, her voice high and nearing hysterical. “This isn’t about not wanting him. But I’m scared for him. What if I can’t do this? What if I’m not enough? I didn’t think it’d be this way. Raising a kid alone, no one to help me, no one to want to, no one to love me…” She trailed off, her cheeks flaming, most likely replaying the last few seconds. “OhmyGod. I didn’t mean to say any of that. I’msosorry.” Her words were slurred as she buried her red face in her hands. “Ellie—” “Nonono.” She lifted her head and asked, “Can we forget about this? Chalk it up to hormones?” The awkwardness sat heavy on my shoulders as I tried to figure out what to do. I knew pregnancy hormones were intense for some women. I remembered when I was six years old and my mom was carrying my youngest sister, Mary, she cried when a man helped her in the grocery store. But Ellie’s overactive emotions came from real fears, and ignoring problems never solved anything, I

knew that too well. “You’re going to be fine, Ellie. It’s your actions that determine strength and security, not your thoughts or feelings. Everyone gets scared.” She shrugged and tried to smile. It was clear her embarrassment would overshadow everything else. But that was okay—I hadn’t planned to stay long. I just wanted her to know someone was thinking about her. So many things about this visit were the same as the first. I’d taken the same flight of steps up to her, I’d stared at the same cracked paint and knocked on the same dented door. She’d been nervous and I’d been awkward. And yet… something felt different. Maybe it was because I’d given myself permission to befriend her, because I looked at her and saw a world of possibilities. Possibilities I shouldn’t be seeing, let alone considering. This was Damien’s sister. The sister he asked me to help. Recovering alcoholic. Pregnant. I had zero business being so intrigued by her. But I couldn’t help it. I’d never felt anything like this before. There was this overwhelming feeling that I needed to know more about her, that the pain in her eyes might understand mine. That this random way we came into each other’s lives meant

something. Clearing my throat, I took out my phone and opened up my contact list, selecting the option to add a new one. Without a word, I slid the phone in her line of sight. Her eyes, which had been staring down at the table, avoiding mine since her confession, lifted. My gaze moved to her fingers, watching her slowly type in her number. Our stares tangled when she finished, and our fingers brushed as she handed my phone back to me. The energy that surged through me was a complete shock to my system; the feeling was so unexpected it was frightening and overwhelming. But instead of killing me, it brought me to life. It was what I imagined being struck by lightning felt like. I couldn’t see all the ways it would affect me; I just knew my life would never be the same.

I had a job. Well, kinda. I think. Honestly, it felt a bit like a pity job. One I wasn’t even sure I’d be any good at it, but I was willing to try. Naomi came over about half an hour ago and

started telling me about her Etsy shop. She sold knitted items and had been looking for some help since she was going to start law school next year. I’d never so much as picked up a knitting needle before, but after a few minutes of her teaching me I started to get the hang of it. This was a good distraction, I realized. It kept me from thinking about Grayson. It’d been about two weeks since he’d first knocked on our door, and I was completely shocked to find him on the other side of it again yesterday. Our second conversation was as awkward as the first, thanks to yours truly. I still couldn’t believe I’d cried in front of him. But after he went back to his car and I found that picture frame, I was too overwhelmed to keep it in. He was nice about it, nicer than most guys would be, and I couldn’t deny the warm, fuzzy feeling I had when he left. I’d never had a guy ask for my number before. Well, he didn’t technically ask, he simply assumed I’d give it. Not in an arrogant way, but like there was no other option. I smiled just thinking about it. I’d yet to mention anything to Damien. I wanted to keep it to myself for a little bit longer. Plus, I wasn’t quite sure how he’d feel. Joy was also in the dark about it. I didn’t want to hear all the negatives while I was so happy. Joy and Damien definitely tried to keep me grounded. I

needed that, but I didn’t always want it. Still, I was dying to tell someone. I started wiggling my butt against the couch cushion, my eyes darting to Naomi every few seconds, trying to think of a way to casually bring Grayson up. All of a sudden she set her half-done scarf down and turned my way. “What?” I jumped a little, losing my place and dropping my needles. “What what?” “You want to say something. Spit it out.” Crap. Naomi seemed nice, but I didn’t know her well enough to feel one hundred percent comfortable. I fiddled with my needles as I tried to buy more time. I could feel my blush running across my cheeks and down my neck. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I finally whispered. She gave me a dubious look, and something about her expression reminded me of a dog with a bone—she was not going to let this go. “Well… I was just… wondering…” I stumbled for a minute before admitting defeat and sighing. “DoyouknowGrayson?” “Who?” “Damien’s friend… Grayson.” Naomi’s lips turned down. “I don’t actually know any of his friends.”

My guilt bubbled up again. “He doesn’t really have any. Between working and me… D doesn’t have much time. That’s part of the reason I was so surprised. But he…” “He, what?” Naomi was grinning as she lightly poked me in the side with the flat end of her needle. “He was really nice. I’ve never…” You think a nice, put-together police officer would be interested in you? It was amazing how I could hear my mother’s voice like she was sitting right next to me. I shook my head. “Never mind. It’s stupid.” Naomi frowned. “What’s stupid?” “Thinking about a guy right now. I’m pregnant.” I pointed to my stomach. “Pretty soon I’ll be waddling… I’m going to be a waddler. How sexy.” I shrugged, trying to make it a joke so it didn’t hurt so much. Naomi was undeterred. “To the right man. Yes, it could be extremely sexy.” “I’m pretty sure my brother would have a heart attack if I started dating. Besides, I barely even talked to him. I’m being crazy right now.” It was crazy, but I had to accept that I had no control over the feeling. I smiled a little as we started working again. After a little while, Naomi looked over at my work and said, “For a beginner, you’re getting the hang

of it really fast.” “Thank you.” “Also, if we’re gonna be friends, the first thing you should know is that I’ll always call you on your bullshit.” My smile widened, and I felt my heart get a little lighter. “We’re gonna be friends?” Naomi rolled her eyes. “We’re already friends, that was just an expression.” Friends. It felt like such a long time since I’d had one of those.

I PLOPPED DOWN IN the chair, out of breath and in pain. My lower back was aching and it seemed I couldn’t do a single thing—not even walk from my car to a building—without getting short-winded. The unforgiving June sun didn’t help any. Arizona summers were the bane of my existence, but this one was even more miserable. My boobs were nothing to brag about, but with the pregnancy they’d gotten bigger, and the boob sweat was unreal. “Rough morning?” I heard the smirk in Joy’s voice. “I don’t know why this baby hates me already,” I grumbled. My pain was not made any better by the cheap, fold-up metal chair I was sitting on. Joy chuckled and patted my knee. “Stand up.” I didn’t question her as I slowly stood. I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through a whole meeting if I was already squirming in my seat. “Sit back down.” Before I did I looked back and saw a cushion,

starting at the back of the chair and ending at the lip of the seat. I smiled gratefully and lowered myself. “Thank you.” “Don’t mention it.” She waved it away and dug around in her purse. After she found her bag of snack food, she swiveled my way. “So we have a couple minutes until the meeting starts. Tell me how you are.” “I’m okay,” I said quietly, gazing around at the other people in the room. Thankfully they were otherwise occupied. When she just raised her eyebrows, I admitted, “Things feel weird at home.” She frowned. “Why’s that?” “I love my brother. You know I do. But lately he’s driving me crazy. I can see it in his eyes. Sometimes he doesn’t look at me like a sister. He looks at me like a responsibility.” Joy took one of my hands in hers. “There’s nothing wrong with that, Ellie. It means he cares.” “I know.” I lowered my voice, sadness seeping in. “He doesn’t think I can do this. How is that supposed to make me feel? And he thinks Grayson is too good for me.” My lips immediately snapped shut. There was a hint of amusement in Joy’s eyes as she smirked. “Okay, so this is about Grayson.” “Nooooo…” Except it was. Things had been strained between Damien and

me lately, ever since he found out Grayson and I were talking. I was almost seven months along now, and Grayson and I had been spending some time together. Although our friendship was still in its infancy and we didn’t know a ton about one another, I was sure he was someone I could depend on. Of course I knew he was out of my league. That didn’t mean my brother had to agree with me. “You can admit you like him. Nothing bad will happen,” Joy teased. She couldn’t possibly know that. Besides, I had a baby on the way. I shouldn’t be thinking about anything other than my child. My hands were sweaty, so I brushed them against the front of my skirt. “You’re allowed to have other thoughts. Nonbaby-related thoughts,” she added like she’d known what was going on in my head. Although I guess that was what a good friend was: a mind reader. I couldn’t have this conversation right now. My eyes roamed the cafeteria, looking for the one person who would take Joy’s mind off me. “Where’s Carter?” I asked. I didn’t know his last name or anything about him other than what related to his alcoholism. But I always connected with him. We didn’t talk much, but every time one of us spoke about our experiences, our eyes met, a

silent acknowledgement of understanding. Addiction entered people’s lives in a variety of ways—no two stories were the same. But ours felt like they came from the same genre. Both from wealthy families. Both isolated. Our dependence on alcohol was more about the company we kept than the actual alcohol. And after a while those two things blurred, and the feeling of being complete only came when we had a bottle in our hands. I was slowly starting to see there were other ways. The other thing I knew about Carter? Joy was hopelessly in like with the guy. We didn’t talk about it though. I followed Joy’s stare. It was as though she’d already known exactly where he was. Lifting my hand, I waved at him. “Shit. He’s coming over,” Joy muttered. I cringed. I wasn’t trying to make this more difficult for her. Carter left his corner and the closer he got, the more I felt Joy tense. He was shy and a bit awkward, always telling cheesy jokes and obvious puns. I didn’t think there was a sweeter person alive. “Hi, Ellie,” he said as he stopped in front of us. Carter stuffed his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “Hey. How are you?” “I’m all right.”

We chatted for a few more minutes. Joy was noticeably silent and his question-filled eyes flew to hers a few times, before we were asked to take our seats. After a few members spoke, including Joy, it was my turn. “Hello,” I began, my throat raw with nerves. “My name is Ellie Harrington, and I’m an alcoholic.” I may have done this several times already, but it never got easier. There were always new people dropping in, and I always felt the familiar burn of failure when I got up and confessed my weakness. I remembered the first meeting I went to like it was yesterday. I had practiced my introduction in the bathroom, and a laugh had bubbled up at how ridiculous it sounded. With no idea what to expect, I was incredibly nervous. Alcoholics and stress did not mix well. And it wasn’t that oil-and-vinegar crap where they simply couldn’t go together. No, they mixed, very readily. It was just, when they did, the result was often explosive. Like mixing TNT with… well, whatever bomb makers mix TNT with to make it go boom. Clearly, I wasn’t a science nerd. So it was pretty ironic that sometimes my biggest source of anxiety was my AA meetings. Thankfully my introduction was over quick. There was no set time limit, and I always made sure mine was fast.

Joy grabbed my hand when I finished and squeezed. I glanced at Carter. He was wearing a soft, contemplative expression as he watched Joy’s simple attempt to comfort me. I was pretty sure he reciprocated her feelings. So I couldn’t understand why neither of them was doing anything about it. Didn’t two people who felt the way they did have an obligation to do something? After the meeting ended and we were on our way out, Carter already gone, I stopped her. Without preamble, I asked, “Why haven’t you told Carter you have feelings for him?” Joy froze. She didn’t deny it or try to play it down. Letting out a sigh, she extended her arm toward the empty room. “Because look where we met. We reveal the worst of ourselves in there. To complete strangers. It’s easier knowing we’ll never see them outside of this. To know our secrets are safe within these four walls. But out there?” I followed her pointed finger to the parking lot. “Anything can happen. We’re different people in there. I might not like him in the real world.” I knew what she meant. The secrets we shared could be brutal. Joy was one of the members who shared more than anyone else, and her story wasn’t an easy one. Carter and I were similar—he barely gave details, and he usually finished faster than me. “No one wants to feel vulnerable with a person

who can’t give it back, Ellie.” “What if he can though? Maybe he’d be different one-on-one?” “And if he isn’t?” she asked. “A relationship can’t work unless both people are willing to share.” “Then you wait him out. If you give people enough, won’t they eventually have to feel the same? To reciprocate?” “No, Ellie,” Joy said softly. She was smiling, but it was small and sad. It made me feel like there was something I wasn’t understanding. “You can’t spend your life giving everything away in hopes that someday a person will give it back.” She placed her hand over my heart. “You have to keep some of that love and respect for yourself. It’s okay to think of yourself first. It’s not always out of selfishness, but out of survival. And it’s okay to love yourself without the validation of others.” I frowned. Somehow she’d turned this conversation around on me. I couldn’t fully focus on her trickery, not with her words now floating in my head. I thought about them on the walk to the car, and when I hugged her goodbye. I mulled them over on the drive home. I turned them around in my mind as I walked through the front door of our apartment, calling out a hello to Damien and Naomi, before heading toward my bedroom. And I tried to see them in different lights, to understand

them in a way that made sense to me. But as I stood in front of the mirror and stared at myself, I wondered… How can you come to love what you’ve always hated? My eyes squeezed shut. I couldn’t afford to think this way anymore. I wanted my son to have someone to admire. Loving myself was something I’d always struggled with, however pathetic that sounded, but I wanted to change. Kids were more perceptive than people gave them credit for. What would his self-worth become if he saw me constantly tearing down my own? Nothing was about just me anymore. Everything I did had to be done with my son in mind. And despite the odds and statistics stacked against me, I was determined to prove all of them wrong.

My hands twitched in my lap as I stared at my purse on the coffee table. I was sitting on the couch, waiting for Grayson

to pick me up for a doctor’s visit. Damien had claimed that both he and Naomi were busy, but when I offered to ask Joy and he told me that Grayson had already agreed to take me, I had a feeling it was my brother’s way of apologizing for how negative he’d been about my friendship with Grayson. It meant a lot. But now that I was sitting here waiting for him, I was becoming increasingly nervous. I considered Grayson and me friends, but like I said, we were new friends, and going to the doctor felt very personal. You’ve already cried in front of him and wordvomited your insecurities on him… Hmmm… point made. The doorbell rang and I scrambled up, grabbing my bag before rushing toward the door. He was doing me a favor and I didn’t want to inconvenience him in any way. “Hey.” I sounded out of breath as I threw open the door and quickly crossed the threshold. The key missed its mark as I tried to be quick in locking up. Grayson chuckled behind me. “Where’s the fire?” “I don’t want to keep you waiting,” I said, finally slipping the key in the lock and turning it. He was frowning when I glanced up at him. Before he could say anything, I moved toward the stairs.

“Wait.” I’d just wrapped my hand around the railing when he spoke. “Here. Hold on to me,” he said, offering me his arm. I grinned. “I can still walk down the stairs.” “And I can help you,” he responded easily, making my heart beat faster. I slipped my hand under his arm, trying not to shudder at the feel of his warm, smooth skin when my fingers wrapped around his bicep. Jesus, did he do anything other than work out? We carefully made our way down. I wanted to look over at him, but I kept my gaze on the steps in front of me. The hand he’d placed over mine stayed there when we reached the bottom, and all the way to his car. The silence as he opened the door and held my hand to help me in was surprisingly comfortable. “Thank you,” I said when he got in on his side. “It’s not a problem, Ellie.” “I’m sure you have better things to do.” I studied the way his jaw clenched at my words. Truthfully I didn’t know much about his life, but I undoubtedly wanted to know more. Did he have a girlfriend? Was his family close by? “Nope,” he answered. I slumped in my seat and turned toward the window. With a sigh, he surprised me by continuing, “I mainly keep to myself.” “Your family isn’t around?”

“They are. They live about ten minutes from me, but we’re not close. I only see them a few times a year.” I frowned, wanting to ask him more, but fearing he might do the same. And besides Damien, my family was the last thing I wanted to talk about. “What about friends? Or a girlfriend?” “I have you,” he said. I froze as his head quickly whipped my way. “I didn’t… that’s not what I meant…” Grayson cleared his throat. “You’re my friend, that’s what I was saying. You and Damien.” We settled into silence after that. A huge smile spread across my face, and I had to face the window so he didn’t see me looking like a complete loon. I was his first thought. It was an amazing feeling, and I doubt he understood how much it meant to me. “I consider you my friend, too. Just so you know…” “Thanks, Ellie.” Grayson sounded oddly emotional when he responded, so I kept my gaze outside to give him privacy. But my thoughts wouldn’t be as easy to control. He’s thinking of you…

“I don’t know if I can trust you anymore…” I whispered. I was shocked. Horrified. Betrayed. Who was this person sitting next to me? Grayson rolled his eyes, even as a small smile tugged at his lips. “This is serious,” I insisted. “How can you not like superheroes?” I pointed to the TV screen where the first Avengers movie was playing. “I thought you were so much cooler than this…” I trailed off. He full-on laughed this time and it felt like a victory. Grayson wasn’t the type to show emotion often, so when he did, and it was because of me, I felt like a superhero. The conversation had started after I asked him what his superpower would be. He hadn’t answered, and I looked over to see him glaring at the TV. This eventually led to him telling me he didn’t like superheroes. I’d never read a comic book and I didn’t subscribe to any fandoms. Actually, I was pretty sure diehard fans, the ones who had mint-condition comics still wrapped in the plastic and framed, would cringe at some of my inaccuracies since I

only went by the films. And I didn’t pick a side in the whole Marvel versus DC argument. I liked Marvel more—hello, Captain America—but I didn’t scoff at the Batman franchise either. Truthfully, I didn’t understand why there had to be a competition. Either way, Grayson seemed to hate all of them. “I don’t get it,” I tried again. “Why do you like them?” he countered. I loved the idea of superheroes. Other worlds. Magic. Fantasy. Anything that took me away from my lonely life. Shrugging, I said, “I don’t know. I guess I like the idea of leaving reality, just temporarily. Life can get pretty exhausting.” “Well I prefer to stay grounded in reality.” “But you’d get a power! Who wouldn’t want a superpower?” “I don’t,” he bit out, using a hard tone he’d never directed at me before. Stop being ridiculous, Eleanor. You’re embarrassing yourself. With a flinch, I unconsciously scooted away from Grayson. I was fleeing from something else, something I couldn’t actually escape, but he didn’t know that. He quickly reached out and grabbed my hand. Only when I stopped moving and relaxed against the couch did he let go. Grayson’s eyes moved to mine, and the silence became unbearable.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I didn’t know why I was apologizing, but I hated the sudden tension between us. “Don’t be.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. I thought that was the end of the conversation when he turned back to face the TV. But he wasn’t done. “I’m not a superhero, Ellie. Not even close.” My heart ached at the sadness in his voice. It was clear he wouldn’t open up to me about it today. That was okay—I’d wait. Grayson was good at hiding so many things, but I could sense his underlying pain. Maybe it was because I had so much of my own. There were so many things not even Damien knew. And as much as I loved my brother, I could never tell him—he wouldn’t understand. There was something about Grayson that made me think he would, made me believe there was a greater purpose for why we were brought into each other’s lives.

I wasn’t a big fan of change. I never had been. I liked plans.

Since I was a police officer, most couldn’t understand it. My job wasn’t always smooth sailing. No day was the same. Some days were downright hectic depending on my assignment. What they didn’t understand was that when I showed up to a call, for the most part, I knew what to expect. I knew who was hurting, who needed help, and who I was supposed to stop. There was always more going on in the background, for the victim and the perp. There were always things I wasn’t going to know. But that was the point. I didn’t have to. I didn’t need all the details. I just needed to save someone. After that, it was up to the detective to figure out the rest. I’d wipe my hands clean of the incident and walk away, ready to save someone else. Sometimes I failed. We got there too late or there was too much damage. Those days were hard. For the most part, though, my life had been planned out. I’d go to work and I’d help people. Then I’d come home and read or work out. I’d never tried to help someone outside of work like this in almost eight years. But I’d told Damien I would help him, and despite the troubling sense of déjà vu, I enjoyed spending time with Ellie. It had been almost three months since I’d knocked on her front door, and while we had only seen each other a handful of times—either meeting somewhere for lunch or watching TV at her place

—I was still as drawn to her as ever. Our conversations before she asked about my friends and family had been relatively superficial, which made staying neutral a bit easier. I was still trying to stay detached. I couldn’t help her if I wasn’t objective. I wouldn’t be able to keep her safe if I truly became friends with her. That was what I had to remind myself every time I hung out with her and every time I left her. It was too easy to get caught up in how right it felt to be around her. It helped that Damien also seemed determined to keep my relationship with his sister casual. He wasn’t subtle about hiding his concern, though I truly didn’t understand why he thought our friendship was a bad thing. A few weeks ago he’d asked about the nature of our friendship. I’d said, “We don’t speak often. But if you would like me to stop talking to her, I will.” I was pretty sure it was lip service speaking, because I didn’t think I could actually stop. Not for him, and certainly not for myself. So when he responded by shaking his head and saying, “No, no. Don’t do that,” I was instantly relieved. I didn’t even care when he added on a completely unveiled—and unnecessary—threat that we remain only friends. I had no intention of having a romantic relationship with Ellie. Yes, she was gorgeous and funny and smart and about a

million other things any guy would be lucky to have. It just wasn’t a possibility. She deserved more than I had to offer. But that didn’t stop me from coming back, time after time… like right now. Because despite my worries, I simply couldn’t stay away. Raising my fist, I knocked on her door, balancing a box of pizza on my other hand. “Coming,” I heard her shout from the back of the apartment. A few seconds later the door opened and she stood there smiling. “Thank God, I’m starving.” I laughed, walking into the kitchen and setting the box down before turning around. She was locking the door when my eyes wandered to the table in front of the TV. Squinting, I asked, “What’s that?” It looked like a black blob. “Nothing,” she squeaked, quickly waddling forward to snatch it up and hide it behind her back. Ellie began shuffling toward the hallway, keeping her eyes on me. Laughing, I intercepted her. “C’mon. Show me.” “Nuh-uh.” She shook her head for emphasis. “Why not? What is it?” She mumbled something I couldn’t quite catch, her eyes now on the ground. “What?” With a sigh, Ellie lifted her face. “I said, it’s a

toy.” She frowned. “Or it was supposed to be. I was trying to knit this black mouse I saw in one of Naomi’s books. Apparently I’m not quite at that level yet.” I had to hold in my chuckle, she seemed so upset by it. But she hadn’t been knitting long and from what she’d told me, Naomi was pleased with what she’d done so far. “It can’t be that bad.” “It is.” “Can I please see it?” I asked, throwing in a small smile for good measure. She wilted and threw her hand over her eyes, removing her other arm from behind her back and holding the toy out to me. I took it from her, slowly inspecting it. It wasn’t something you’d call cute or pretty or beautiful, and it wasn’t necessarily well made. A few stitches were crooked and there were bumps in places there shouldn’t be. Yet I couldn’t call it ugly, which she was clearly waiting for. “What are you going to do with it?” I asked. Ellie lowered her hand, clearly waiting for me to say more. When I didn’t, she said, “Throw it out.” I frowned and looked down at it for a second before lifting my eyes back to her hazel ones. “Can I keep it? I’d love to give this to one of my nephews.” Her mouth dropped open in shock before she

recovered. “You don’t have to pretend—” “I’m not.” I held the toy up. “Will Martha Stewart nominate it as the best toy ever knitted? No.” Her lips twitched. “But, do I want it because I like it? Yes, absolutely.” Despite my comment about not being a hero, I sure as hell felt like one when Ellie smiled at me like she was now. “Okay. If you’re sure—” “I am,” I cut her off. Wanting to boost her a little more, I asked, “Have you tried to make anything else?” At that, her eyes lit up. She grabbed my hand— like it was nothing, like we touched all the time— and pulled me down the hall toward her room. Ellie let go and moved toward her closet, standing on her tiptoes to reach a box. “Yes. I have a few scarves and even a hat…” She huffed as her fingers grazed the box, pushing it farther away from her. I walked forward and she froze when one of my hands fell to her waist. “Let me get it,” I whispered, reaching my other arm over her shoulder and easily pulling the box out. Ellie was still until I shuffled back a couple steps; only then did her limbs unlock. She turned around and I smiled when I noticed the rosy color fading from her cheeks. Clearing her throat, she dropped the box on the bed and removed the lid.

Her excitement grew with each item she removed, telling me a story about each one, like what mistakes she’d made and how she’d fixed them. I was smiling as she ran out of breath talking about the first hat she made. When she caught me she blushed, dropping it and rubbing a spot on her elbow. “Sorry,” she murmured, looking chagrined. My brows pulled down. “Why?” Ellie shrugged, but I could hear what she wasn’t saying. She didn’t know how to show her excitement, so she brushed it aside. I noticed she did things like that a lot. She’d get excited only to dismiss her emotions as “stupid” or “unimportant,” like someone told her the things she thought and felt were stupid and unimportant… like she was stupid and unimportant. It broke my heart, and boiled my blood. She also had a habit of zoning out for a bit; sometimes it was only a few seconds, something you’d miss if you weren’t paying attention. I’m always paying attention. And when she came back around, she’d flinch, as if she were hearing something no one else heard. Like right now… “Ellie?” I asked, my fingers grazing her elbow, breaking her out of her trance. She shook her head. “Sorry,” she repeated. “For what?” I challenged. She blinked up at me,

her eyes wide and panicked. “What are you sorry for?” I repeated. “Umm…” “For staring off into space? For standing there? For turning oxygen into carbon dioxide?” She laughed. “Only you could say it that way, like it was as normal as saying breathing.” Her smile faded as I waited. “When you say it out loud it just sounds ridiculous.” “That’s because it is ridiculous.” I sounded angry, but it wasn’t directed at her. I was angry on her behalf. Because no one popped out of the womb and started apologizing for everything. It was learned. “I’m working on it.” She smiled, and even though I knew it’d be a difficult feat, I believed her. It was a little bit like her knitted “mouse.” It wasn’t perfect, it needed work, but the result didn’t always matter. To me, there was always something beautiful about people who simply tried.

“THIS WAS A HORRIBLE

idea,” Grayson muttered from beside me. I was surprised I could hear him over my blubbering. “It’s s-so beautiful…” I sniffled as I grabbed another tissue. “Okay, no more.” He reached forward and grabbed the remote off the table. “Nooooo.” Did I just whine? Grayson arched a brow, clearly unimpressed with my imitation of a five-year-old. I held up my hands—tissues overflowing out of one—and rushed out, “I’msorrycanwepleasekeepwatching? I’ll stop crying.” He shook his head and, with a sigh, set the remote back down, not calling me out on my lie. There was no way I’d stop. Grayson was right. This was a terrible idea. We were at my apartment because I was getting more and more nervous to leave. I really didn’t want my water to break while I was strolling

through Walmart or out at a restaurant. Talk about mortifying… My hormones and nerves were all over the place. I cried during about half the commercials. So thinking I could handle America’s Got Talent, watching people’s dreams come true and the joy on their faces when it happened, was pretty stupid. No one accused you of being smart. No. Stop. I silenced the voice in my head as quickly as it came. I was happy. Even with all the unknowns and the fear, I was genuinely happy. I wouldn’t let my mother take that from me. I smiled, rubbing my hands over my baby bump. I was due any day now. It wasn’t an ideal situation. I was twenty-one—as of last month, single, and a recovering alcoholic. None of those were promising traits for a mother, let alone all three. But I was away from any environment that made me feel guilty for simply being who I was. I was living with my older brother and Naomi, getting ready to welcome a baby into this world with the wonderful man beside me. Wait. That came out wrong. Actually, it sounded incredibly right—probably only to me. Grayson was simply a friend. He’d be beside me in a friend capacity. Friend. I hated that word. I often had to repeat it to myself when I was

around him. Otherwise I got caught in fantasies that would crush me when I came back down to Earth. The truth—while a little painful and sad—was definitely the safer option. Like right now. I could imagine he shifted a little closer to me. I could pretend that his eyes lingered on my lips when he thought I wasn’t looking. But none of that would do me any good. So I stuck with the truth. The two of us were sitting on my couch—at a respectable distance that didn’t once shrink—watching TV together… as friends. With a sigh, I wiggled around, looking for a more comfortable position. My back was aching and I was cramping more than ever, but that wasn’t unusual lately. “Are you okay?” Grayson asked. I turned to find his unflinching stare on me, concern swirling in his dark brown eyes. “What? Oh yeah. You’re right, though. We should probably change this. I know the last thing you want to deal with is an overly emotional girl who can’t stop crying.” But even as I said it, I realized my tears had dried. His lips pulled down into a frown. “I’d deal fine. I just don’t like to see you upset.” “Oh,” I whispered. “Maybe we should watch—” he started, only to stop when I let out a sob.

My hands flew to my watermelon-sized stomach, a sharp pain ricocheting through my body. A shrill scream left me and Grayson was immediately alert, bolting upright and asking all the right questions. Questions I wouldn’t be able to think of on my most calm and collected day. “What’s the pain like?” “Have you experienced it before?” “Squeeze my hand whenever you feel a contraction. I’ll time it, okay?” I’d been so prepared, so excited, for this baby. Now all I felt was bone-deep terror. All the joy was gone. How was I going to do this alone? How would I stay sober? I’m about to have a baby. A wiggly, screaming, depend-on-me-foreverything, tiny human being. My thoughts were almost paralyzing. “Hey.” I looked toward the voice, finding Grayson’s calm eyes on me. “You’re okay, Ellie. I’ve got you.” I took a deep breath and with a nod, let him help me up. We walked as fast as possible to the door, Grayson grabbing my to-go bag on the way. It had been sitting by the front door for nearly two months, courtesy of Naomi. I’d never hated living on the second story of our apartment complex, with only one elevator on

the other side of the building, more. I paused at the top, preparing myself, when suddenly my legs buckled. No, no, no… I can’t fall. My baby… My freak-out stopped when I realized I was in Grayson’s arms. He stared at me, quiet, assessing. I blew out a breath as another contraction hit. Once it passed, he quickly—yet carefully—made his way down the stairs and to his car. He didn’t bother setting me down again. I gripped my knees once I was in the passenger seat, trying to keep the scream that wanted to rip out of me from releasing. Grayson climbed in on his side, and we were on the main road before my next contraction hit. “Grayson… I—I’m scared. What if he’s not healthy? What if he comes out wrong? What if I screw everything up? What if—” My hysteria made it impossible to continue. The tears rushing down my face had a clear path from all the crying I’d done earlier. “Hey,” he said forcefully, throwing me a quick glance before refocusing on the road. “Nothing is going to happen. I won’t let it. We’ll get you there. You’ll deliver a beautiful baby boy who looks just like his mother, and everything will be fine.” I never officially found out the gender, but I’d always had this feeling the baby was a boy.

Grayson didn’t mock me for it. Not once. “Focus, Ellie. Breathe. Everything will be fine,” he said, removing one hand from the wheel to shove my already sweat-soaked hair behind my ear. I finally listened to him. I gave up on talking and my eyes squeezed shut as the sharp pains continued, lasting longer and getting worse. “Tell me the name.” “What?” I panted out. “The name of your son. You have one, right?” Nodding, I gritted my teeth, waiting for a contraction to pass before answering. “Andy. I’m naming him Andy.” He tried to ask me a few other questions to distract me, but it was useless. What felt like hours, and yet seconds, later, we pulled up to the emergency room. He parked haphazardly, which was very unlike him since I once saw him repark his car three times until it was to his satisfaction. “You didn’t repark,” I mumbled. I didn’t recognize my own voice. He lifted me from the car. Over his shoulder I saw someone coming toward us with a wheelchair. “What?” he asked, looking at me like I was crazy. “You usually repark. You line up your pens and papers so everything is neat. You always straighten things out. You…” He smiled as I rambled on, something I was

prone to do, but I had a feeling my nerves were heightening it. I couldn’t imagine revealing to him how much I noticed about him otherwise. “You’ll call my brother?” I asked, now sitting in the wheelchair. He reached down and squeezed my hand. “Of course.” My fingers tightened around his until I was forced away, and our contact broke. Our eyes stayed connected until I was wheeled through the doors, where life as I knew it was about to change forever.

I was leaning against the wall outside Ellie’s room, staring at the ground as my thoughts raced. Her pregnancy had been going smoothly, so there was no reason to think there would be any complications. Still, I couldn’t stop the nerves from settling in my bones. That was what happened when someone you cared about was going through something so stressful. It didn’t matter that she was in a hospital, that she had some of the best doctors in the state (I checked), or that there was no proof anything

would go wrong. When you cared about someone, you feared everything. It was natural, and there was no logic to be found. Trust me, I’d looked. “Matty!” a female voice yelled just as a Superman action figure slid across the floor in front of me. I glanced to my right and saw a young boy sprawled out on the ground, his arms bracing his weight as he scrambled up like he hadn’t tripped and fallen on his face. Before he could dart away, the girl behind him grabbed his arm. “Matty, quit running away from me.” He looked about eight and she couldn’t have been much older than sixteen. His head was turned toward his discarded toy, but she grabbed his chin and forced his eyes on her. “You remember what I said, right?” “That mommy gave us a new sister and I can’t jump on her,” he said glumly. I leaned down and picked up the toy. “Exactly.” His sister placed a kiss on his forehead. Seeing me beside them, she stood up and smiled. “I’m sorry, did that hit you?” she asked, nodding at the action figure. “No.” The girl shifted around awkwardly at my short reply. I never meant to come across as intimidating. I couldn’t seem to help it though, especially around people I didn’t know. I stared down at the toy, adjusting his cape until

it was as even as I could get it, and thought of a question Ellie once asked me. If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be? It was a shame I hated them, because she loved them. I didn’t try to dissuade her of her belief. I didn’t want to burst her bubble. Not that I thought she actually believed superheroes were real. At times, I think she saw other people as them. Not the kind who flew or walked through walls or teleported. No, she didn’t believe any of that, of course. But the way she looked at me… it was like she was imagining me as a superhero. And I couldn’t let her do that. It would be dangerous for her to think of me that way. The last person who called me her hero… No. This was a happy day, and it was going to stay that way. I wasn’t going to that awful place in my mind. Without another word, I handed the action figure over and walked back to my place outside of Ellie’s door. My eyes were on the ground when I heard hurried footsteps approaching from the right. I’d barely heard Damien acknowledge me before I saw them disappearing into Ellie’s room. I stood up straighter, my feet itching to follow. But it wasn’t my place, I was a friend. God, I hated that fucking word. And the ironic thing was I

spent the last six months trying to convince myself we weren’t even friends, just acquaintances. Only at this moment did I realize I could never have such a casual relationship with her. I found myself anticipating what kind of crazy socks she would be wearing, or what flavor her popsicle would be. My mind conjured images of us laughing on the couch or people watching at a restaurant. There were parts of my day I replayed in my head so I could remember to tell her. And my cell phone had been getting more use than ever before. I’m completely screwed. About ten minutes later Damien came out alone. “Naomi is staying with her.” Nodding, I shoved my twitchy hands in my pockets. I was grateful she had Naomi. They’d grown close over the last few months, just as Ellie and I had. Hours went by. Naomi was still in with Ellie, while Damien and I stood against the wall in the waiting room. I was looking at the ground, counting the flecks of blue in the tiles around my feet. I could only imagine Damien was doing the same—probably not the counting, that was my weird thing, but the staring off into space. The silence was interrupted by loud claps and a shout. “It’s a boy!” Naomi bounced toward us.

My lips tipped up at her announcement. The smile I wore may not have been big and flashy, but inside I was beaming. Ellie hadn’t been interested in learning the gender of her baby ahead of time. She was convinced it was a boy, though, and I knew she had to be happy about being right. “No shit?” Damien asked. “Did you doubt your sister?” his girlfriend asked with a raised eyebrow. “No,” he said softly. Naomi grinned and grabbed his hand. She was only a few steps from Ellie’s room when she stopped. “You coming?” she asked me. I stood up straighter. “No, I-I think it’s best if I leave.” “I think my sister would like to see you,” Damien interjected. I swallowed my nerves, kept a neutral expression, and followed them. At the sound of Ellie’s sweet voice, the three of us stopped at the door. “I’m gonna give you a great life, I promise. If you want to play with Barbies instead of cars, that’s fine. If you want to love a guy, that’s fine, too. As long as he treats you right,” Ellie said with a strength to her voice I hadn’t heard before. Some might not understand her immediate need to say these things to her newborn son, but I did. Ellie had been told she wasn’t enough too many times in her life to not reassure her own child, even if he was

only an hour old. Her features melted into contentment, and a few tears fell. “I love you so much, little guy. I promise you’ll never doubt it, or feel like you’re missing out on something. You don’t have grandparents and you don’t have a dad… and I know I’m not much.” My muscles locked at the note of sadness in her tone. She quickly shrugged it off and looked back down at her son, love and happiness shining in her eyes. “But I’ll love you with everything I have.” We lingered outside until she fell quiet. A couple of moments later Naomi started talking— loudly—making it seem like we’d just arrived. Ellie glanced up, her smile lighting up the room as we strolled inside. “Hey, guys,” she said. Damien walked over and wrapped his sister in a one-armed hug before kissing her on the forehead. I gave her a nod when she looked my way, barely hearing her responding hello as an adorable blush raced across her cheeks. I suppressed my grin. Ellie looked tired, her eyes drooping every few minutes, like the day was finally catching up to her, and her blonde hair was stuck to her forehead. Everywhere I looked, her exhaustion was present. And she was still so damn beautiful I could barely concentrate.

The four of us talked and fawned over the baby for about an hour until I was forced to leave. “I need to be at work in thirty minutes,” I announced. Ellie frowned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you. You’re gonna be so tired…” She trailed off and worried her bottom lip. It had been early afternoon when Ellie and I were lounging on her couch and watching TV, and now it was a half hour shy of midnight. “I’ll be okay,” I said with a small smile. She knew I’d taken a nap this morning, after getting off another graveyard shift, so I didn’t know why she was worried. But that was how Ellie was sometimes. “I’ll come back to see you tomorrow.” “Okay,” she whispered. I hesitated for a moment, wanting to brush a kiss across her forehead. I wasn’t sure it was appropriate though, so with one curt nod to the room, I left. It was abrupt, but my emotions were getting the best of me. Desires and wishes were swirling inside me in ways that made me uncomfortable. I may have accepted our friendship, but I was far from convinced that I was good for her.

I only slept for three hours after my shift. Apparently the urge to check on Ellie was stronger than sleep deprivation. After I got to the hospital, I went to grab a cup of coffee. As I was leaving my eyes caught on something in the gift shop window. I quickly stopped in and bought it before climbing the stairs up to room 204. When I walked in, I froze in the entrance. Ellie’s eyes were closed and there was a huge grin on her face. “Hey.” I tried to keep my voice low so I wouldn’t startle her, but she still jumped a little and her hand flew to her heart. “Oh my God.” She giggled. “You scared me.” I imagined my smile matched hers. “I got that.” Ellie rolled her eyes at herself. Thankfully not in the way she usually did, like she was berating herself. She seemed far too happy. I set my coffee on the counter and sat in the chair already pulled up to her bed. “How are you feeling?” “Pretty good. I’m tired and—” A knock at the door interrupted her. I turned around and found a slightly pudgy woman walking through, wheeling Andy’s bassinet. “Hello, dears. I thought the new parents might want some time with their little guy.” It was on the tip of my tongue to correct her.

Before I could Ellie shifted up and said, “Yes, yes. Absolutely.” The women wore matching grins as the nurse settled Andy beside us. Then she lifted him out and placed him in Ellie’s eager arms. “God bless, dears.” With one final smile and a pat to my shoulder, she left. I sat there, watching Ellie with her son, completely content to stay here forever. My gaze was riveted on her finger, watching her lightly brush it against Andy’s cheek. “Do you want to hold him?” she asked after a few minutes. My eyes flew to hers. “I’m fine.” I shifted uncomfortably. “C’mon. You’re not scared, are you?” “Of course not,” I immediately responded. Except I was. I wasn’t sure I could be trusted with something so fragile. “Please?” she tried again. She had to know I was powerless to say no to her more than once. Before I realized it, I was moving toward them. Ellie’s smile widened as she extended him my way. I pulled away with her son in my arms. I didn’t have time to freak out though, not when two voices from outside Ellie’s hospital room met my ears. “Can you believe she’s keeping it?” “I know. Twenty-one years old and a drinker.

That poor kid doesn’t stand a chance.” I froze. There was a chance they could be talking about someone else, but it seemed pretty low. Ellie was staring at her son in my arms, trying not to cry. No. The sight gutted me. Ellie had been increasingly more nervous toward the end of her pregnancy. She hid it well enough, but I could tell. I could see her fear in the tiniest of actions. When we talked about the baby being born she would instinctively reach for her belly and wrap her arm around it, as if she was protecting her unborn child, like she thought someone would take him away from her. This shit wasn’t helping. I wanted her smile back. This wasn’t right. Who the hell did these women think they were? I gently lowered Andy into the bassinet, and Ellie must have read my intentions. “No. Don’t,” she choked out, trying to grab my arm. It was too late—I was already halfway across the room. “Excuse me,” I said to the two nurses who were still saying more shit I didn’t bother paying attention to. Keeping my voice neutral was the hardest thing I’d done in a long time. I didn’t recognize either of them. I did see the woman who’d just wheeled the bassinet in glaring at them from a few feet away. She’d appeared ready to

intervene when I stepped out. “Yes, sir?” one of them asked. The other was smiling. “Would the two of you mind checking something for me?” I nodded my head into Ellie’s room. Neither glanced at the door number as they walked my way and stepped inside. “What do you—?” The one who’d been smiling stopped short, a look of horror on her face. “Oh God,” the first one said. I didn’t care that she seemed regretful. Ellie’s pain was all I saw. “I find it rather distasteful that you two would talk about a patient in such a way,” I started, my glare shifting between them. “And utterly stupid not to make sure you’re not right in front of her room.” “Sir—” “Apologize.” “I’m sorry?” I rolled my eyes. “Not to me.” I pointed to Ellie. “To her.” They both turned her way, one after the other issuing an apology that wasn’t to my satisfaction. But I was pretty sure it was the best I was going to get. “Next time I’d refrain from passing judgments on someone you don’t know. I might be inclined to assume you two are dimwitted and inconsiderate.” I shrugged. “Who knows, maybe you are.”

“We really are sorry,” one of them mumbled again. They left with their tails between their legs, and I looked out to see the older woman smirking as she studied the stack of folders in front of her. I shut the door and returned to Ellie’s side. She was watching Andy sleep. Her bottom lip was caught between her teeth. I could tell she wanted to talk, but she didn’t want to burden me. “Ellie—” “Am I being selfish?” she blurted out, the hand closest to me twisting in the sheets. Her gaze lifted to mine as the first of her tears fell. “No one thinks I can do this. Are they right?” Her voice cracked. “I want Andy so bad. But is staying with me what’s best for him? Or do I only want him because he makes me feel needed and important?” Her voice was nearing hysterics. “Am I—?” “Stop.” I placed my finger over her trembling lips. “When you were younger, what did you want from your mother more than anything else?” “For her to love me,” she said sadly. We hadn’t talked much about her family, just that they were estranged. Of course I knew more about it all from Damien, but she didn’t know that. “Exactly.” I kept my voice just as soft. “It wasn’t about the fancy stuff she bought you, and you never asked her to be perfect. You simply wanted her there.” I took her fidgeting hand in mine and laced our fingers. It was so intimate it

almost stole my breath. “Andy already has that. You’re giving him the greatest thing a mother can.” “What if I’m still horrible?” “Ellie—” “No,” she interrupted, with more force than I was expecting. Her hand squeezed mine to an almost painful level. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” “No first-time parent knows what he or she is doing. All new parents are in the same place as you; they all face the same fears.” “Like relapsing or—?” I shook my head. “Not all the fears are the same. But they all manifest into the same thing: fear of failing the child. You’re gonna be fine, Ellie. I know it.” She sniffled. “You promise?” “I promise,” I repeated. “You can do this.” As I watched her nod, relief spreading across her face, I pulled out the gift I’d gotten downstairs. It was a small jewelry box that easily fit in my pocket. Ellie’s eyes widened. “What’s that?” I unlaced our hands and set it in her palm. “A gift. I know flowers and balloons are traditional. Practically speaking though, they don’t make much sense. Both are temporary and a pain to lug home.” She was smiling, like she had when I’d walked in, and something settled inside me. Ellie slowly

lifted the lid. Almost a minute passed before she started crying again. “You don’t like it?” I sat up straighter. I normally shied away from buying gifts—I’d never been very good at it. But this had felt right. With a frown, I said, “I can get you flowers. I—” “No. No.” This time she was laughing through her tears. “I love it.” Ellie looked up, and I swear to God my heart stopped. “I love it,” she repeated. I relaxed and nodded as I stared down at it. It was a simple silver necklace, holding a silver heart with the initial A on it. “It’s perfect,” she whispered, tracing the letter. I felt overwhelmed so I looked down at her son. Noticing his bassinet was crooked, I straightened it and then put my hand in to gently rub his stomach. I watched Andy’s brown eyes struggle to open. When his gaze finally met mine, it felt like the entire world stopped. My life was put on pause while I tried to reconfigure it to add this new person. It was the same way I felt the first time I saw Ellie. It was undoubtedly presumptuous, but it was also automatic. I didn’t know what it meant then and I was petrified of what it might mean now, yet I couldn’t deny how it filled me with warmth and a sense of belonging. For better or worse, and whether I liked it or not, these two people were a part of me. And even though I hadn’t made such a vow in over eight

years, that night I swore to myself I’d always protect them. No matter what.

It didn’t take long to realize that my plan of staying neutral with Ellie was completely blown to shit. I knew it the day she’d given birth to Andy, almost a month ago. In fact, I was pretty sure I knew since the beginning it was never going to work. My initial reaction to her was too strong to end in the role of acquaintance. But that didn’t change my original declaration. I still had to protect her. I would just have to tread lightly and make sure I kept my objectivity. I could be friends with her without losing sight of that. Or at least that was what I’d thought… But it was hard when all I wanted to do every time I saw her was pull her into my arms. She was effortlessly magnetic. There was a lot I was able to admit to myself now that I realized staying away was impossible. Like how attracted to her I was. Part of me always thought I should’ve felt guilty since she was pregnant. But should didn’t really matter. I was.

I’d see her in her thigh-highs, and all I could imagine was falling on my knees and tasting her. I hadn’t seen Ellie as much as I’d like. Only three times since she’d been released from the hospital. I’d picked up extra shifts for a few guys who went on vacation, and she was adjusting to her new role as a mother. But today I was spending the entire day with the two of them. We were sitting on her living room floor; my back was to the couch and my legs were stretched out before me, while Ellie sat a few feet away. She’d just finished feeding Andy and was now burping him. “How are you doing?” I asked, carefully watching her face for any possible lie. She gave me a tired smile, but no one could doubt the love that radiated from it. “I’m doing good. Obviously there are a lot of adjustments, but so far everything has been good. I —” She’d just pulled her son off her shoulder when he coughed up some more, missing the burp cloth. “Shoot.” Ellie looked down at her T-shirt that now had spit-up on it. “Here. Can you hold him?” she asked me. She was distracted, trying not to get any on him or me, so she couldn’t see my wide eyes or pale face. “Uhh… s-sure,” I mumbled, gently taking him from her before Ellie scurried from the room. I hadn’t held him since the first time in the

hospital. And now I was alone with him. My hands were nestled under his armpits and my arms were extended, holding him away from me. Andy just stared at me, unimpressed, as I tried to figure out what the heck to do. What did babies like? I remembered Naomi mentioning something about singing… I shook my head; I didn’t want to torture the poor kid. Should I burp him more? Bounce him? All of a sudden his face crumpled and an earshattering wail filled the room. I quickly pulled him closer. “Shh… shhh…” Shit. She’d never leave me alone with him again. Thankfully, once I had him nestled against me, slowly rocking him, he quieted down. My hand was on his chest, adjusting his onesie, when he grabbed my finger. His eyes fluttered shut as he kept a loose grip on it. But even when his breathing evened out, I couldn’t pull away. Nothing about this was forced. His hold on me felt natural; and I had a feeling that in no time at all it would be me wrapped around his finger.

LIFE WAS UNBELIEVABLE SOMETIMES. How quickly it changed. A year ago I was probably sitting in some stoner’s loft on my way to getting completely hammered, hooking up with random guys and doing things that could have landed me in jail—or worse. As it was, I didn’t know who my baby’s father was. The nights I spent drinking were a blur. I’d tried to think about where I was the weekend the doctor told me I’d likely conceived, but I couldn’t even remember that much. I broke down in her office. She was surprisingly understanding and pointed me in all the right directions. Part of me didn’t understand her sympathy, part of me wanted her to hate me. I hated me. I hated this weakness inside me. It started slowly, innocently. It was the kind of problem you didn’t even realize you had until you were too deep in it to get out. Even though I was young—too young—when I started heavily

drinking, it hadn’t felt like a problem. I supposed that was how all problems started. It was strange that such a disaster of a species was so confident in their ability to keep themselves in control, as if good men didn’t fall every day. I fell. But I was slowly picking myself back up. My life right now would be unrecognizable to that scared twenty-year-old from last year. Sober. Mother. Happy. Or at least on my way to it. That wasn’t to say everything was suddenly easy. My happiness didn’t magically get rid of my worries or doubts. I hardly slept. If I wasn’t up with Andy, I was lying in bed and staring at his crib, waiting for him to need me. Every little noise woke me. Every cry had my heart pounding out of my chest, wondering if I was doing something wrong or whether it was a normal reaction. Surprisingly, I hadn’t thought about alcohol once in the month since I’d brought Andy home. Grayson had been right. My fears were just like every other mother’s. Realizing this didn’t completely alleviate my nerves, but it helped. The month had been hectic. Damien continued working two jobs and Naomi was about to start law school. Adding a new baby to the mix made us all

somewhat sleep-deprived. Yet I could tell they felt the exact same way I did. They loved Andy and wouldn’t change a single second of our currently hectic life. “You seem good,” Joy commented as the two of us sat in my living room. She’d come over to talk about AA, and I told her everything I possibly could about my son. I wasn’t sure how because Andy could literally only do about five things, yet the conversation mainly revolved around him. Joy brought up tacos, and somehow I found a way to bring up Andy. Oh, I wonder what his favorite food will be! She mentioned she was going to be a fairy for Halloween next month. What should Andy’s first costume be? She needed to go to the bookstore. What do you think his first word will be? On and on it went. The natural segues became fewer and farther between. I should have felt bad— Joy had things going on in her life too, and I didn’t want to make her feel less important. Talking about Andy was simply a reflex. Some part of me was still waiting for him to be taken away. For someone to come busting in here and tell me I was unfit or how I was failing him. It was almost like I was trying to keep talking about him in an effort to prove how committed I was. See, I love my son. I hardly think about

anything else! Luckily Joy didn’t seem to mind my ramblings. In fact, her grin widened every single time. “You really think so?” I asked, remembering her comment about me doing well. Even though I thought I was doing a good job, I ate up every compliment I got. “Of course.” She smiled. “Don’t you—?” Joy’s question was cut off by a loud screech coming from the back of the apartment. From my bedroom where Naomi and Andy were… Everything happened instantaneously, and yet I felt like I was moving too slow. My eyes locked with Damien’s, who was sitting at the kitchen table, before all three of us jumped up and raced toward my room. There was a changing table right next to his crib, and that was where Naomi had taken him when she’d offered to change his diaper. She’d only done it a couple times, but she’d insisted I spend time relaxing. Dozens of scenarios raced through my mind. He rolled off the table… He grabbed the tube of diaper rash cream and ate it… The fan fell on him… They got progressively crazier and less likely from there. I couldn’t breathe by the time I reached the doorway, but when I finally took in the scene, I

relaxed. Andy was completely fine. He was smiling and kicking his legs as Naomi stood there frozen. I stepped forward and saw she’d already disposed of his dirty diaper and had been getting ready to fasten the clean one she’d slid under him. I couldn’t find the source of Naomi’s scream. All of a sudden I wrinkled my nose. Everything seemed normal except… “Why does it smell like—?” The question froze on my lips when I finally focused on Naomi. She was still, probably in shock, and holding her hands away from her like they were infected. The yellow spot on her white T-shirt was slowly growing wider, and there were trace amounts of urine on her chin and neck. Damien reached my side and busted out laughing. Hard enough that he doubled over and had to grab his stomach. Naomi glared at her boyfriend. “He pissed on you?” he asked, trying to control his laughter. I was pretty sure it was too little, too late. “Yes.” “Sweetheart, you need to hold a towel over him —” “That’s really helpful now,” she snapped. “I learned it the hard way, too,” I chimed in, figuring it would help if someone else could relate.

“You knew and didn’t think to warn me?” I cringed. Or maybe it wouldn’t help… “I’m sorry. It happened two weeks ago, in the middle of the night—I sort of forgot about it amidst everything else.” I grabbed Andy’s leg before he really did roll off. “I’ll finish changing him.” “C’mon, Naomi. Don’t be mad,” Damien tried again. “There’s no substitute for experience.” He couldn’t suppress his grin. She flashed another murderous glare at her boyfriend and stomped out of the room, right past Joy, who was standing in the doorway. “I’m surprised you enjoy sleeping on your couch so much. I would think you’d be too tall for it,” Joy said, looking Damien over from head to toe. His brows furrowed. “What are you talking about?” “You didn’t actually think you were going to be allowed in the bedroom tonight after laughing at her, did you?” I shook my head and laughed at her exaggerated pout and the realization washing over my brother’s face. Turning toward Andy, I smiled down at him and finished changing him. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. All men have to sleep on the couch eventually,” Joy continued. “But hey, there’s no substitute for experience.” I looked over to see her lightly punching him in the shoulder.

“It was a joke,” he mumbled as he left the room dejectedly. “Oh man… he has it bad, doesn’t he?” Joy asked with a laugh. “He sure does. He asked her to move in.” Diaper fastened, I lifted Andy up and onto my hip. “Seriously? Hasn’t it only been a few months?” I shrugged. “About eight since they met.” Most might think it was strange that Naomi was moving in with us after knowing Damien for less than a year, but since her roommate, Alara, was moving in with her own boyfriend, and Damien was obsessed with Naomi, it just made sense. “And you don’t mind? This apartment is kind of small.” She lowered her voice and stepped closer. “Not at all. Damien does so much for me, I’d do anything for him. Besides, I really like Naomi. She’s good for him.” “When’s she moving in?” “Later this week. Damien took off Friday and Saturday to help her get settled.” Andy started crying, apparently unhappy with being ignored for two minutes. Joy leaned forward and rubbed her nose against his before blowing a raspberry on his cheek. Andy hiccupped, spittle flying from his mouth. I was smiling so wide my face hurt. There were people who thought I couldn’t do this. Who thought I shouldn’t even attempt to do

this. And there were times, at four in the morning when he kept crying for no apparent reason, that I wondered how I was going to do it. Luckily my fears never lasted long. Because every time he smiled, I remembered how lucky I was. I’d always known I wanted a child one day. So even though it had been nerve-wracking to find out I was pregnant, and despite the hard times and the setbacks, I wouldn’t trade this experience for the world. It may not be a perfect scenario, but what it produced was perfect. I would have the pleasure of loving my son longer.

It was moving day. Naomi, Alara, and Gabe— Alara’s boyfriend—were all moving out of their old apartments today. Since Alara and Gabe had twice as much stuff to transport most of their mutual friends were helping them, whereas Naomi asked her mom, her mom’s boyfriend, and—much to my surprise—Grayson to help her and Damien. Naomi’s mom and her mom’s boyfriend were at Naomi’s old apartment loading stuff while Damien,

Grayson, and Naomi were unloading Damien’s car here. I wasn’t allowed to do anything. When I’d asked what I could carry, both my brother and Grayson said “nothing” at the same time. They shared a look before leaving to bring in more boxes. “It’s not like she just squatted and had Andy right here in the living room,” Naomi mumbled to herself. She shook her head and followed them out. There were still lingering side effects, but four weeks had passed, and I didn’t feel as fragile as they seemed to think. Since I had nothing else to do I went to check on Andy. He was still lying on his back in his crib, sucking on his thumb, while he napped. I came back out a few minutes later and Naomi was sitting on the couch, scrolling through her phone, with her feet kicked up on the coffee table. “I complained about the heat once and have now been banished.” “Well you should have known Damien would do that.” “I had no idea,” she said dramatically. I laughed and moved to join her. My brother undoubtedly knew what Naomi really wanted. She wouldn’t have come in simply because he told her to. Looking over her shoulder, I saw she was scrolling through someone’s photos on Instagram. I noticed a couple had the Eiffel Tower in the

background and a few more were of fashion models on a runway. My eyes moved to the top to search for the name. They almost bugged out of my head when I found it. “Naomi,” I whisper-hissed, slapping her on the arm. “What the hell?” she asked, staring at me like I was crazy. “You’re stalking Grayson’s sister.” I pointed at the phone with a glare. Naomi rolled her eyes and continued scrolling. “Aw. I found a cute one of her and Grayson from a couple years ago.” She turned it my way. It was a cute picture. I quickly glanced toward the door to make sure the guys weren’t back before grabbing it from her. Grayson had his arm wrapped around her while her arms were thrown around his waist. His smile was barely perceptible, but I still felt warmth spread through me as I stared at him. God, he was beautiful. I— “Ohmygosh,” I slurred, jumping up from the couch and throwing the phone back at her like it was a snake on fire. “What?” Naomi asked, sitting up and dropping her feet from the table. “I accidentally liked it.” My brother’s girlfriend slumped back, and I could tell she was barely restraining herself from

rolling her eyes again. “Relax. It’s not a big deal. She’s a fashion designer in Paris, who has thousands of followers. Besides, it’s not even your account.” Don’t throw yourself at men. It’s unbecoming and embarrassing. “She’ll know we were scrolling through her photos. Liking an old picture is a giant flashing STALKER sign. Oh God…” I flapped my hands, trying to shake out the nerves my mom’s voice inevitably brought out. “What if she tells him? Grayson will think—” “Nothing.” Naomi stood up in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders. “Chill. You’ve never met this woman. She certainly doesn’t know me and how I’m connected to you. So calm down. Besides, Grayson would never think you’re stalking him online. Only girls overthink things that much. I have a theory that thinking is attached to the X chromosome. With only one, guys barely know how to use their brains, and with two, us women are forced to overthink everything.” I forced out a laugh, only partially placated. It was easy for someone who wasn’t gripped with anxiety over every little thing to say “chill.” But typically my brain would only produce the worst possible scenario, no matter how ridiculous it was. “I can see why you didn’t go into medicine,” I joked.

Naomi was grinning when she pulled me into a hug. “Grayson’s not going to know.” “Know what?” A deep—and very familiar— voice asked from behind me. My eyes squeezed shut as I solidified in Naomi’s arms. “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” I whispered into her hair. “Is everything okay?” That was Damien. He must have walked in right behind Grayson. We pulled away and I turned around. My brother was shifting his gaze between us, unsure of whom he needed to be concerned for. I tried to stop myself from looking at Grayson, but it was pointless. He was staring at me, calculating and knowing. Oh God. “Ellie?” My brother’s voice brought my stare back to him. “I’m good,” I squeaked out. I could imagine Naomi rolling her eyes. Again. Didn’t she get a headache? “I was stalking Veronica’s Instagram page,” she said to Grayson. His eyes widened in surprise. It was so hard not to whip my head around and smack Naomi in the arm. My heart was beating wildly in my chest. Grayson knew. He thought I was a crazy, creepy stalker who was in love with him. He wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. He

wouldn’t— “And Ellie was worried about me knowing?” His eyebrows pulled down into a frown. “Of course not. That’d be silly,” Naomi said with a wave of her hand. My palms started sweating. He was trained to detect lies. “I was telling her how hot I thought Veronica was and if Damien ever wanted a three-way, she’d be my first choice.” I couldn’t stop my jaw from dropping. “She thought it’d make you uncomfortable.” Naomi said all this like it was completely normal, while both men seemed at a loss on how to respond. After a few seconds Grayson cleared his throat. “She was right,” he said before walking out the door. My eyes moved to Damien. I was sure he would still have questions. But he didn’t. He shook his head at Naomi. “Like I would share you.” “Smart man.” She grinned. I watched my brother walk forward and gently kiss her on the lips. “We came in to tell you we’re going back to your place to grab more of your stuff,” he said softly before leaving the room. Naomi was smiling like crazy. “What just happened?” I asked, still a little stunned. She looked my way. “A little lesson in

deception… men’s brains short-circuit when they start thinking about two women together. It completely distracts them from everything else.” “Damien was only thinking about you, and Grayson wouldn’t be thinking about his sister that way…” “True. But the distraction still worked.” I was pretty impressed, and extremely grateful. Explaining my weirdness was never fun, especially not to the guy I liked. We both looked over when someone walked in. It wasn’t anyone we were expecting though. It was Naomi’s older brother, Derek, and he looked like crap. His hair looked like he’d been tugging at it and his posture screamed of defeat. “What’s wrong?” Naomi immediately asked. He shook his head and stared at her, lost and confused. “She’s leaving.” “What? Who?” “Sam.” I grabbed the half-finished scarf I was knitting off the kitchen table and moved down the hall to give them some privacy. I was still in hearing range when Naomi asked, “What do you mean?” I didn’t know much about the situation other than Sam was Gabe’s younger sister and about six years Derek’s junior. Oh, and that Derek was “an idiot who was in love with her.” Naomi’s words, not mine.

I slipped into my room before I heard his answer—I had too much of my own boy drama to worry about anyone else’s. My back hit the door as soon as I closed it. I looked over to see Andy still sleeping and then I moved to my bed. Resting my hands on my stomach, I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling. My thoughts drifted to my parents. I’d thought about them right after I gave birth, wondering what it would’ve been like if they’d been there with me, but otherwise had kept memories of them at bay. The more time I spent with Andy, though, the more I had to consider that maybe Damien and I had been wrong about them. Because I looked at my son and couldn’t imagine a day I wouldn’t love him with absolutely every single piece of me. Maybe we were too young to recognize that they were simply strict parents. Maybe they’d want to know their daughter and son again, or their grandson… Maybe they’d changed. They only lived fifteen minutes away, it’d be so easy to reach out to them. But I knew Damien would never agree to it. He was adamant that they didn’t deserve any more chances. Letting out a defeated sigh, I curled on my side. My gaze landed on my nightstand. More specifically, on the necklace Grayson had given me after Andy was born. I tried to wear it all the time, but I’d taken it off when Andy started tugging on it

this morning. With a smile, I reached over, grabbed it, and fastened it back on my neck. Somehow my mind always managed to come back to Grayson. No matter how many times I tried to stop myself from thinking about him, I couldn’t. He was everywhere. Even in my exhaustion and with taking care of Andy, I couldn’t escape him. If I wasn’t awake and thinking about him, I was asleep and dreaming about him. I quickly realized that commanding myself not to dream about Grayson was about as successful as asking the sun not to rise. It was pointless. And even if I could manage it, my world would be darker because of it.

When I came back an hour later, I found Ellie lying on her bed, Andy asleep next to her. I slowly pushed the door open and whispered, “Hey. We finished bringing everything in. I just wanted to say goodbye.” Holding the door with a firm grip, I cleared my throat and nodded. “So… bye.” Ellie chuckled as I backed up. I stopped, my lips turning down into a frown. “What?”

“Nothing, it…” She trailed off, her cheeks coloring. One of her arms was bent, her hand propping up her head, and the other was affectionately rubbing her son’s belly. “You could stay for a while… if you want,” she said shyly. My gaze snapped to hers. She immediately looked down, watching the rise and fall of Andy’s chest. “It’s not a big deal if you don’t want to,” she quickly added. If I wasn’t so nervous, it would have been my turn to laugh. Ellie had no idea of the effect she was having on me. I’d already resigned myself to the fact that I couldn’t stay away from her, but being alone in her bedroom was another story. It helped that Andy was there. But he wasn’t enough to distract me from her slim legs stretched out on the bed, her long white T-shirt hiked up more than normal as a result. Or the curve of her neck, in plain view thanks to the bun on top of her head. It was as if this scene was set up specifically to torture me. I wasn’t sure why I was still standing there as if a decision had to be made—it was decided when she asked me to stay. Only when she heard me softly shut the door did she glance up. I roughly swallowed as I walked over to the bed. Ellie shuffled backward, moving Andy with her until her back hit the wall. The bed looked like a full, so it would definitely be a tight

fit. My eyes stayed on Ellie’s as I toed off my shoes and carefully sat down. Then I shifted into a position that mirrored hers. She looked toward the foot of the bed and started laughing. I could imagine how ridiculous I looked, with my feet hanging off and my backside teetering on the edge. But I hardly cared; I’d look ridiculous all the time if it got me that sweet laugh of hers. Grinning, I lifted my foot and lightly nudged her calf. “Are you laughing at me?” “Never.” Her smile softened. “Thank you for helping today.” “Anytime, Ellie.” My eyes drifted to her necklace, the one I’d bought her when Andy was born, and my face morphed into a frown. The chain was twisted. Without thinking, I reached over Andy and gently grabbed the A before slowly turning it until it was free from the tangle. I carefully set it back, but when my fingers grazed the material of her shirt, I froze, realizing what I’d just done. How close my hand was to her… Snatching my fingers back, I swallowed down the uncomfortable lump in my throat. “I didn’t mean to…” My wide-eyed stare was on Andy, refusing to meet hers. “It was messed up; I had to fix it.”

“I know,” she whispered. “It’s okay.” I wondered if she’d still think that if she knew how much I wanted to put my hand back, to touch her skin without anything in the way, to kiss— “Does that kind of stuff bother you a lot?” “What stuff?” I asked. But I already knew what she was asking, she’d alluded to it before. In a family of seven children, my parents weren’t avid neat freaks. They were prepared for messes, and my siblings delivered—a lot. My mother had actually tried to get me to make a mess once. She told me a little mess never hurt anyone. But I knew that wasn’t true. I’d seen her trip over one of Steve’s toys, and cut her hand on glass when my older brother, Brad, carelessly dropped a dish in the kitchen. Order and rules and paying close attention were crucial in keeping our loved ones safe. Messes did nothing but hurt people. “You know,” Ellie began. “How you repark your car, or fix a crooked picture. How you never leave a dirty dish out and make sure the area you’re working in is always organized.” She froze, like she hadn’t meant to reveal so much. Then she cleared her throat and set her attention on Andy, like my wandering hand and the subsequent conversation hadn’t happened. I didn’t mind. I was much too jumbled anyway. Because even though on the outside I looked

composed, the inside was a completely different story. My heart rate kicked up and my lungs felt starved for air; thoughts bounced around in my head and my hand itched to reach back over. Normally I was insecure when people noticed these things, mainly because they had been the source of my notable difference from other children when I was younger, and being different always made a person a target. But I felt none of that now. All I focused on was what those observations meant: she noticed me. Maybe even as much as I noticed things about her. I knew she had a tiny mole on the inside of her left wrist, and a faint scar on the side of her pinky finger. I could tell you what her favorite thigh-highs were and which color shirts made her hazel eyes more green or brown. And there were dozens of stories I could recall just as easily. So to find out she was cataloging information too, somehow had my heart relaxing in relief and speeding up in excitement all at the same time. Her eyes were still focused on Andy, as they had been for the past five minutes, but mine were on her. I kept looking, not even caring if she caught me, which, eventually, she did. She startled, that blush I loved so much spreading across her cheeks, and her fingers twitching against her son’s stomach. “What?” she asked softly. My gaze was soft on hers when I smiled and

said, “Nothing.” But that was a lie. My feelings, her feelings, our relationship… were all far from nothing.

After the long day of moving, Naomi decided we should all go to dinner. Ellie declined, saying she still wasn’t ready to take Andy out. Naomi tried to explain he would be okay, but Ellie was adamant. I offered to stay with her and order pizza, and that was how we found ourselves hanging out and watching TV on a Friday night. Ellie walked back into the room. She had changed into a long black T-shirt and dark green thigh-highs. And even though I knew she had shorts on underneath, the fact that her outfit gave the appearance she didn’t had me squirming in my seat. Andy was resting against her shoulder, softly snoring, since she’d just finished feeding and burping him. She slowly lowered herself to the couch, and I turned down the volume on the television, setting the remote on the table next to the half-eaten pizza. “So you really don’t have a Facebook or

Instagram account?” I asked. Somehow we’d started talking about social media before Andy woke up and began crying for dinner. I definitely had no interest in going back to Naomi’s comment from earlier today, but I was curious about why Ellie didn’t have an online presence. It was pretty uncommon nowadays. “Nope.” “Why not?” She seemed uneasy as she shifted to a more comfortable position. I didn’t retract my question, and I kept my eyes on her. Finally she sighed. “I’ve never had many friends.” The words were soft and filled with shame. “Before I started drinking I’d been so focused on classes, with being tutored after school and on the weekends, that I didn’t really have time for them. Once that ended, and I finally had time, I was kinda left on the outside looking in. I tried to play a few different sports. Turns out I’m as uncoordinated as a person can get.” I itched to reach over and cover her hand with my own. “The only time I had friends was when I was drinking. I was never alone. Alcoholics and druggies always had friends. And if you brought alcohol or drugs with you, everyone was always happy to see you.” She smiled sadly, her gaze still not connecting with mine. I never took my eyes off

her, though. Whenever she decided to look up, I’d be there. I’d be waiting for her. “It wasn’t until years later I learned the truth.” “The truth?” I asked. “That the friends you made through your addiction weren’t really your friends at all. The few times I tried to get clean, I realized I had no one. I think that was why I always went back.” Her voice was small. “I mean part of it was a dependency on alcohol, but I think most of it was the fear of being alone.” God, Ellie. Please give me your eyes. “All of that makes social media kind of pointless. I tried. I’d comment, attempt to start a conversation, only to be ignored. All while they went on talking to everyone else. I can see how depression could be linked to social media. It was just another way to be ignored.” She laughed, the sound hollow. “That sounds so stupid.” I was done waiting for her. Scooting closer, I gently gripped her chin and lifted her face to mine. “No,” I said forcefully. “It’s not stupid. Everyone wants to feel important. There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things. I don’t have any accounts either,” I confided. “No?” Shaking my head, I brushed my knuckles along her jaw before dropping my hand. “I don’t have many friends, and it’s also safer.”

“Safer?” she questioned. “Yeah.” I leaned back. “Even with privacy settings, I wouldn’t take the chance that someone I’ve locked up could find out my personal information. Since most of my family is in some form of law enforcement, it’s something that has been ingrained in us. Veronica is the only one who’s really active because she’s a designer and that’s all about advertising. Thankfully living in Paris lowers the risk significantly. She can post what she’s wearing and what event she’s heading to without too much worry. Dad still likes her to take a bodyguard and she never objects.” “Huh. I never would have thought of that.” “It becomes second nature in a family like mine.” Ellie nodded, but she still seemed sad. “I know it’s not the same and it isn’t much consolation—” “It helps,” she interrupted softly, her eyes locked on mine. Andy’s fist came up and hit her chin as he slowly woke. We both smiled down at him. The mood of the room seemed to lighten when he opened his eyes and giggled. We spent the rest of the night alternating between playing with Andy and talking. And in the lulls, my mind kept going back to what Ellie said. It helps. They were just two words. Two small,

insignificant words that really held no meaning at all. But to me they were everything. I couldn’t do anything to change her past. Just like no one would ever be able to alter mine. It was done; unfortunately, it wasn’t forgotten. Not even close. The only thing we could do now was adjust how we looked at it and the way we let it affect us. It helps. Those words stayed with me long after I left that night, and I knew they would be the words that sealed Ellie and me together.

I COULD FEEL ELLIE’S stare on me as I reparked my car for the fourth time. Her attention definitely wasn’t helping me concentrate. It was actually her fault I had to repark so many times in the first place. The latest failure was a direct result of her idea to stretch while I was pulling back in. My eyes had moved to her when she lifted her arms behind the passenger headrest, her breasts straining against her black tank top. This time I’d been determined to block her out completely, and when I opened the door to check, I let out a breath of relief that I was straight. Finally. Turning to face Ellie, I asked, “You have the list?” She stifled a giggle. “Yep.” Lifting the piece of paper up, she turned toward the backseat. I followed her stare and grinned. When I looked back at her she was blushing. “It’s a habit.”

Shaking my head with a laugh, I opened the door and stepped out. Ellie met me around back. “What’s so funny?” she asked. “That you think you’re a bad mother. Your first instinct is to check for Andy, even though we left him with Naomi and Damien only ten minutes ago.” I walked away, not giving her time to disagree because I knew that was exactly what she’d do. Ellie was silent as she sidled up next to me. I grabbed a shopping cart and we walked through the automatic doors. Then I steered us to the right side of the store. It had been a little over two months since Andy was born, and Ellie was hesitant about leaving her son. She’d only taken him out a handful of times, and this was the first time she was away from him. Damien thought something simple, such as a trip to the grocery store, would help ease her into it. I’d found out and offered to accompany her. I’d been so desperate to see Ellie that I agreed to go grocery shopping with her. We still hadn’t seen each other as much as I’d wanted to. She was determined not to accept help and was dedicated to being the best mother she could be to Andy, so I could hardly fault her. But I missed her. “How’s it organized?” I asked. “Huh?” Her brows dipped. “The list, what kind of order is it in?”

“Uhh…” She looked down at it and shifted on her feet. “It’s in the order we thought of it.” I frowned. “You don’t sort it by where it’s located in the store?” She stared at me as if I was crazy. I didn’t know why—I shopped sensibly. “No?” I had to laugh when her shoulders curled in, like she was a little kid about to get in trouble. “Okay, let’s see it.” Ellie held it out to me but froze when I tried to take it from her. I looked up to find her eyes wide and focused on something across the store. Following her stare, I saw an older couple standing by the bakery. By the time I turned back around, her limbs had unlocked and her expression morphed into determination. “Who are they?” The words came out measured. I had a feeling I knew who they were, and I really didn’t want to be right. “My parents.” My hands curled into fists as my fears were confirmed. Damien had made it clear they were bad news. He told me about the phone call he’d had with his mother where she suggested Ellie abort her baby, and I nearly lost it. He’d told me a few other things that made me want to throttle someone. Somehow I’d always managed to stay calm around him. The problem was Ellie had never told me any of

this, so I couldn’t tell her what I really thought. She wasn’t supposed to know I knew. But I had a bad feeling about all of this. There was a reason Damien didn’t trust them. “I should go talk to them.” “No.” Shit. The response was automatic. But I couldn’t let her know the full weight of my knowledge. My mind raced with all the things I knew about them, trying to pick apart whether Damien or Ellie had told me. “I thought they kicked you out,” I started gently. That was something she’d hinted at. Damien had flat-out told me, but it wouldn’t be a leap for me to assume that based on things she’d said. “Sort of. It was a complicated time. Damien and I were younger then…” “Most people don’t change,” I said bluntly. Ellie started fidgeting and twisting her fingers. “You’re probably right. But everyone should be given the chance to, shouldn’t they?” She finally looked away from them, staring up at me. Her eyes were soft; she seemed so innocent. Before I could respond she continued, “I remember this one time, I was about seven or eight and my mom took me shopping. It was a pretty big deal since we never really did stuff like that together. I was so excited. I ran back and forth,

getting her different sizes and finding other colors. It was such a simple day, ya know? One of those perfect days. I don’t know why she changed or why I remember that day over all the awful ones. I keep going back to it. I keep thinking that deep down, that’s who she really is.” She had been smiling as she recounted it, but now it slowly slipped. “I’m not stupid. I don’t think they’ll suddenly change,” she whispered. “I don’t think my mom will welcome me with open arms or regret any of the things she’s said to me. I don’t think my dad will either… but I remember that moment, and think maybe they want to? And isn’t wanting something the first step in getting it? Shouldn’t I give them the chance?” I opened my mouth to say something but she kept going. “And what about Andy? He deserves grandparents.” Gripping her chin and turning her face my way, I said, “I don’t like it and I don’t think it’s a good idea.” She nodded and stepped away from me, heading toward them. It took everything in me to stay still, to not grab her and throw her over my shoulder, taking her away from them before they could hurt her. I watched Ellie get closer and I started drumming my fingers on my thigh. I felt anxious, unsure… guilty. Like I’d done something wrong by

letting her go, even though she’d asked me to. My phone started vibrating in my pocket. I didn’t bother looking at the ID as I pulled it out and answered. “Mable.” “Hey, Grayson,” Naomi greeted. “How’s it going?” “I’m not sure.” Distracted. That was the only reason I had for why I didn’t try to cover up what was happening. Naomi wouldn’t be happy about Ellie talking to her parents any more than Damien would. “Why?” she asked slowly. It was obvious my tone of voice had her fearing the answer. “Ellie…” I trailed off. She’d just reached them and tapped her mother on her shoulder. They’d been smiling, but both their expressions dropped when they turned and saw who it was. “What?” Naomi’s voice was a bit more panicked. I let out a frustrated sigh. “She’s talking to her parents.” “What?” she hissed. I gripped the handle on the cart behind me. “We’re at the store and she saw her parents. She wanted to talk to them.” My palms grew sweaty. “She thinks she can mend things with them… she thinks Andy should have grandparents.”

“Yes, he absolutely should. That doesn’t mean Ellie’s parents can give that to him.” It was clear Naomi was trying to keep her voice down. I could only imagine how angry Damien was going to be. “Her parents are massive twat waffles.” I wanted to laugh. If I wasn’t currently watching Ellie’s shoulders curl in on themselves, I might have. “I don’t understand how someone could treat Ellie this way.” Naomi sighed. “Me neither. If we did we’d be like them. I know you couldn’t stop her, but please don’t let her stay with them long.” We talked for only a couple more seconds before I hung up. I couldn’t stand here anymore. She’d been over there less than two minutes. Their voices weren’t raised and there were no wild gestures. Yet somehow I knew they were destroying the precious confidence Ellie had slowly started building. Without another thought about it, I abandoned the empty cart and walked toward them.

My legs shook as I made my way over to the parents I hadn’t seen in over six years. I knew this wasn’t going to end well. The smart thing would be

to turn around, tell Grayson this was crazy, and leave. It was unlikely my parents wanted to see me, and yet some crazy part of me had to try. The same voice that was in my head a few weeks ago was back, telling me there was still a chance. Honestly, there was something about family that made people irrational. Hearts were stupid; they could break and you could still love the person who broke them with every single broken piece. They should be like plates or cars—once they were broken they should become pointless, inoperable. It was unfair to feel love for someone who caused so much grief. I had to remind myself I was doing this for Andy. I hadn’t spoken to my parents in years, and while I knew Damien had told them about my son —and that they were less than thrilled about it—I’d never spoken to them, and I needed to. It was my job as Andy’s mother. Before I lost my nerve, I raised my hand and tapped on my mother’s shoulder. This is for Andy. For Andy. Andy. They both turned around and my breath caught. There stood my mother. Tall, proud, and elegant, exactly like I remembered. She was wearing a knee-length royal blue sheath dress and a single strand of pearls rested against her collarbone.

I fidgeted, remembering my wardrobe. A floorlength “hippie” skirt with a floral pattern and a black tank top. I doubt my five-dollar Old Navy flip-flops would impress her either. “Hi.” I lifted my hand in a pathetic wave. “Eleanor.” My mom’s hand flew to her necklace. She looked uneasy. My father put his hand on her shoulder to steady her. Neither said anything else. I did my best to ignore the pain my full name often brought. “I saw you and thought I’d come over…” I cleared my throat and continued, “I wanted to talk about Andy.” “Andy?” My father frowned. “My son. Your grandson.” I tried to smile. My mother sighed. “How much?” “What?” “Don’t play dumb, Eleanor. Though I suppose you don’t need to pretend…” My father blew out a breath. “Sarah,” he admonished lightly. Not because he wanted to spare my feelings, but because he hated confrontation of any kind. Her cruel words and his indifference were second nature in our relationship. If she had welcomed me with a hug and told me she was proud of me, if he had kissed my cheek and told me he loved me, that would have been more bizarre than what had just happened. And yet I felt the

blow to my stomach like this interaction was unexpected. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said softly. “Money. How much money are you here for? I told Damien you never should have had that bastard—” “Hey!” I shouted, surprising both of them. My mom seemed embarrassed as her eyes shifted to the shoppers around us. “You can insult me all you want, but don’t you dare say a word about my son. And I didn’t come over here for your money.” Without another word I moved to walk away, tears burning the back of my eyes and pain lancing my heart, just like it had years before. I immediately smacked into someone. “Sorry,” I mumbled, moving to the side. Warm palms found my hips, keeping me in place. Looking up, I saw Grayson’s thunderous expression aimed at my parents. “Everything okay over here?” “Yeah, let’s go.” I grabbed his hand and tugged. He wasn’t budging. My gaze nervously flickered between my parents. I didn’t want them to say anything in front of him. It was one thing for him to know I was such a screwup; it was another for my parents to tell him all the ways I was a failure. I didn’t want him to see me the way they did, and the longer we stood there, the greater the possibility

seemed. “And you are?” my mom asked. “Officer Grayson Mable.” “Oh dear. What has Eleanor done?” she asked him. “Are you investigating whether she’s fit to be a parent? Someone really should be. She started drinking at fourteen. Can you imagine? She had the world at her fingers and what did she do? She became an alcoholic. It’s not much of a surprise she got pregnant. The odds have to be pretty high when you’re intoxicated and spreading your legs for anyone.” My hand fell from his arm and I felt all the blood drain from my face. With every slicing word, the heart that I’d thought was broken beyond repair, broke a little more. And Grayson was here to witness it all. I couldn’t hold back my tears. “Eleanor…” Dad sighed, pinching his nose. “Her name is Ellie,” Grayson bit out. “Yes, that’s probably more appropriate. Eleanor is a name meant for an elegant woman.” My mother stared at me with disgust. “This is what we got instead. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she brought her brother down with her.” Somehow I managed to possess superhuman strength and pull myself free of Grayson, spinning around and running through the store. I made it outside and moved down until I was away from people before I fell against the wall. My back

dragged down the stucco, feeling it dig into my skin, most likely ruining my shirt. I braced, expecting my butt to make contact with the ground. Instead my movement was halted, and I was being pulled into Grayson’s embrace. One of his arms was wrapped around my back and the other cradled my head as I softly cried into his chest. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, sounding more agonized than I’d ever heard. Shaking my head, I pulled away and pressed my fingers to my eyes. Grayson rubbed my back, and I took a few deep breaths. “It’s not your fault.” He had to bend down to hear me. “It’s mine. I thought they’d want to know their grandchild.” I shook my head. “I wasn’t thinking. This isn’t a tiny spat. Truthfully, I don’t know what it is. But they hate me, Grayson. They hate me,” I repeated, my voice cracking. “And everything I touch. They could be dying while I’m holding the cure, and they still wouldn’t take it.” His hand wrapped around my neck and his thumb brushed over my cheek, wiping away my tears. “They’re fools, Ellie.” The words were harsh and made me flinch, but I knew the anger wasn’t meant for me. I started shaking my head and he grabbed my face with both hands. “They. Are. Idiots.” Grayson’s voice wrapped around me, warming every cold part of me. My shoulders lifted with my deep inhale. I

could tell he wanted to say more. The parking lot of a grocery store wasn’t exactly an ideal location though. “C’mon.” He stood up and carefully lifted me. We didn’t say a word as we walked to his car and got in. I slumped against the door, closing my eyes and resting my head on the window. I wanted to believe Grayson, I really did. But when a girl was lonely and didn’t like herself very much, she heard the weirdest things in the simplest of actions. Every time someone overlooked her, she heard, “You’re not worth the time.” Every time someone didn’t listen to her and she had to repeat herself, she heard, “You’re not important enough to pay attention to.” I heard these things a lot. And I wasn’t trying to host a pity party. I could recognize most of it was probably misguided and in my head. Those things probably had more to do with the other person than me. Sometimes they weren’t even doing it to be mean or rude, they simply weren’t thinking about me. They weren’t thinking about me. Maybe that was what hurt more. It felt like no one was thinking about me. Like no one cared. All the reasons in the world didn’t take away that kind of hurt. There was no logic to the deep-

seated agony of being lonely and unwanted. I couldn’t sit here and explain to the gaping hole in my chest that this person was having a bad day, or that they didn’t really mean it. I couldn’t explain away the pain. All I could do was feel it, and hope one day I wouldn’t.

The next thing I knew I felt Grayson’s hand on my elbow. “Ellie,” he said. His tone made it clear he’d repeated my name a time or two. “Yeah?” I asked, looking over at him in the driver’s seat. Grayson nodded behind me. “We’re here.” I twisted around and my brows furrowed. “Where’s here?” I asked, glancing back to him. “My place. I texted Damien and told him we were going to hang out here for a bit.” I opened my mouth to ask about Andy, but Grayson held up his phone before I could. “He sent a picture and an update of almost everything Andy’s done.” I smiled for the first time since we’d arrived at the grocery store.

A minute later I was walking through his front door for the first time. It was quite possibly the neatest bachelor pad I’d ever seen. Scratch that. It was the neatest house I’d ever seen. Period. I wasn’t sure why it surprised me. Grayson was always put together, and whenever he came over I would see him discreetly trying to straighten up. Fixing a crooked picture frame, folding a blanket, setting Andy’s teddy bear right side up, and probably a bunch of other things I wasn’t even aware of. “Do you want anything to drink?” he asked as he shut and locked the door. Tearing my gaze away from the living room, I turned around and shook my head. I wasn’t sure what we were doing, and I didn’t want Grayson to feel like he had to keep me here any longer than he wanted. He nodded and rocked back on his feet, sticking his fidgeting hands in his pockets. “Do you remember asking me about what my superpower would be?” The sudden question took me off guard. “Yeah,” I said slowly. “Invisibility. That’s what I would have wanted.” “Why?” Grayson looked off toward the kitchen. When he brought his eyes back to me, his lips were twisted into a grimace. He ran a hand across his clean-shaven jaw. “Why’d you start drinking?”

I froze, so startled by the new topic I couldn’t fully appreciate that it was a diversion. “What?” “You told me it was because you didn’t have friends. But neither did I. I did have my family though, and it’s easy to see you didn’t. They said you were fourteen when you started?” My gaze automatically went to the floor, the urge to cry rising up inside me again. I’d never felt so uncomfortable. “I… why does it matter?” “Have you ever thought to talk to someone about this? Just get it all off your chest?” “I talk to Joy,” I mumbled. “That’s the whole point of a sponsor.” I could see him shaking his head out of the corner of my eye. “You guys talk about the future and how you’ll get stronger. You talk about the present and how you’ll keep going. You talk about getting better and staying clean.” “Sometimes we have to talk about the past,” I countered. “I know. But probably not as much as you should. Before she came along, who did you talk to? Who’d you give your pain to?” he asked. I shook my head, confused. “No one. Why would I want to give someone pain?” And who would want it? “Maybe it’s not about what you want, but what you need. Keeping all that pain inside can do horrible things to the mind.”

I finally lifted my eyes to his. This conversation was about more than me. A lot more. I could tell it made him nervous to be revealing so much. I didn’t want to question it and send him running. Sighing, I responded, “Joy said something similar. That it’s okay to be selfish.” “She’s right. It doesn’t have to be about drinking. Just give me some of your pain.” Grayson tentatively walked forward and cupped my cheek. “Tell me something that hurts.” I hesitated. I wanted to talk to him, I really did. Something was holding me back though. Then, like a light bulb, I thought about what else Joy said… No one wants to feel vulnerable with a person who can’t give it back. I hadn’t understood it then. Now that I was in the situation, it seemed so obvious. “Will you tell me something too?” It was his turn to waver. “There’s nothing to tell.” I continued to stare at him, and I could only imagine the desperation in my eyes. He finally nodded and I let out a breath. Then I turned and walked into his living room. I knew I couldn’t look at him while I told him. “It began like any addiction, to fill a void. My parents weren’t… overly nurturing. They didn’t want children, they wanted trophies. Damien was good at art, but he also excelled at everything else.

Math. Science. English. He could have done anything. A lot of people thought he wasn’t good at those subjects. The truth was he just wasn’t motivated. He didn’t enjoy them—he preferred to spend his time creating art. But he’s very smart.” I paused and lowered myself to the couch. “Me? Not so much,” I said softly. My heart hurt. It killed me to tell him these things. To tell him my flaws when all I wanted was for him to see my strengths. “I tried really hard, I did. Nothing clicked. I was a C-student, and average didn’t sit too well with my parents.” I didn’t tell Grayson that even though I’d known I wasn’t a smart girl, sometimes I’d thought I might be a pretty girl. That I still hoped I could excel at something for my mother. I didn’t tell him she said boys didn’t want to date a broomstick, or how she pinched me hard whenever she made that comment. Shaking my head, I tried to leave those memories behind. “So after a while they stopped… stopped caring, stopped talking to me, stopped everything.” He was quiet and it was driving me crazy. I finally glanced up at him, but his expression was impassive. It hurt and helped in equal measure. I quickly looked away again. “Not being good enough hurt, but as they

started ignoring me, that hurt more. So when I was first offered a drink, surrounded by people who were happy and talking to me, I didn’t think twice. At first I hated it, but it got easier. I focused less on the taste and more on the feelings. “And it was such an amazing feeling… to be wanted again. To have people around you who were happy and who you weren’t disappointing. They just wanted to have a good time. It was the closest I’d ever come to feeling like I belonged somewhere.” I laughed, a laugh so sad it cracked right in the middle. “My mother said she wondered what it said about me that my place in this world was with cracked-up losers who were going nowhere in life.” I faced him again. “You know what, though?” “What?” he whispered. “They weren’t all like that. Some were sleazy and some were horrible people. But others were simply lost… so lost they didn’t even know it, like me. There are good people in that world. People who had spouses and children. People with jobs and who were trying to pull themselves up. People who wanted to get better and go home. They just didn’t know how anymore.” My tears fell. “They weren’t all the same. Some were good. Some were bad. Just like non-alcoholics and non-addicts. They were just people… like everyone else. “I think society has a tendency to look at these

things as commonplace. People joke about someone being bipolar, or a drunk, or having OCD, and end up minimizing what having these disorders is actually like. Maybe that sounds stupid, or like an excuse—” “It doesn’t,” he interrupted. I couldn’t detect anything in his expression, but I could most definitely discern his feelings from his voice. It vibrated with fury, choked with hurt, and was soft in understanding. “It started out as a way to combat loneliness,” I said, bringing the conversation back to what he’d asked. “All I really did was trade one demon for another.” When I’d finished, I took a deep breath and let all the negativity out with it. He had been right—talking helped more than I’d thought. “You thought being invisible was worse?” he asked, and it made me remember his earlier declaration—his superpower. “Yeah. I did.” “Why?” Grayson looked genuinely confused. “Broken things can be fixed,” I said, searching his eyes for the pain he was hiding. “But forgotten things? They don’t stand a chance.” “A chance for what?” “Survival.” He nodded, and some kind of understanding entered his eyes. “You know, I could sit here all day and list all the reasons you’re amazing, but I know

you won’t hear them. I wish you would, and it kills me I don’t know how to convince you.” I wished he could too. Things would be a lot easier. Maybe I simply had to wait. It would take time for me to trust Grayson enough to believe his kind words, and even then I’d probably still struggle. I was halfway there. I was proud of myself for standing up for Andy. But I still couldn’t find it in me to stand up for myself. “You can’t keep letting the past win, Ellie.” Grayson almost sounded angry. He was right, I knew that. But he couldn’t seem to see he wasn’t any better. “Pretending it doesn’t hurt isn’t winning, either,” I whispered. His head snapped up. “And you were right, talking helped. Now it’s your turn. Tell me something that hurts.”

TELL ME SOMETHING THAT hurts. It had been my idea. I couldn’t exactly back out now. Plus I’d given her my word—or nod, technically. I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be. I couldn’t give her my deepest pain, I couldn’t give her Taylor. But I could give her something. Right now, though, my biggest problem was calming down long enough to be able to share. Halfway through her story, I wondered how I’d make it through more than one. I knew I was right all those months ago: her beauty was far deeper than anyone realized. It wasn’t for the casual passerby, and it wasn’t for the faint of heart. Because with her beauty came pain. So much she hardly knew what to do with it. My heart shattered as I listened to this broken girl tell me how she tried to put herself back together. How she used alcohol to fill herself up, only for it to drain her. How all she wanted was to be loved, and everyone around her was too fucking

stupid to see how worth it she was. And my heart broke for the woman who thought her pain was hers alone, that no one could understand. But I understood, and my heart cracked a little more with each word from her beautiful mouth. I didn’t know why I thought I could listen to her stories without absorbing them, without memorizing every word falling from her lips and letting them shape my feelings for her even more. I couldn’t. I couldn’t control any of this. Not my feelings for her. Not my actions. Nothing. And I couldn’t stop myself from sharing with her. “I was bullied when I was a kid,” I finally confessed. Her head snapped back and her eyes widened. She stared at my arms and then down toward my abs. I grinned and she blushed as she realized what she’d done. It was nice to be able to smile amidst the pain. “These muscles didn’t come till later,” I explained. “I used to be scrawny. Think of me as Steve Rogers before he became Captain America.” Ellie looked horrified by the analogy. “It wasn’t too bad in the beginning, physically at least. It was more mentally exhausting after a while.” Leaning back against the couch, I rubbed my hand along my jaw. “Are you sure you want to hear this?” Ellie immediately nodded, shifting

infinitesimally closer. It had been so long since I’d thought of my torment. She was right. I’d thought ignoring it would eventually make it go away. But as I was sucked back into one of the worst moments of my life, I realized there were certain memories that could never be forgotten… “Weirdo.” I didn’t turn around as I walked faster. It didn’t matter. They followed. They always followed. “Hey, loser! We’re talking to ya.” I heard them laugh as something flew by my head, thankfully missing its mark. I didn’t stop to see what it was. It was most likely trash; that was their favorite thing to chuck at me, after all. I kept moving, eyes forward and head up. Just like my dad taught me. I couldn’t seem to control my feet though. They sped up, revealing my fear. Laughter continued to follow me. I turned the corner and jogged down the hall. I breathed a sigh of relief. The stairs were in view. My next class was one of the first classrooms at the top. I’d been so happy when Mr. Casey asked me to stay late this morning. He pulled me aside and told me about a chess tournament coming up he thought I’d be interested in. None of the other kids in chess club were asked to stay. My hard work

paid off. I’d been practicing with my father almost nonstop. The second he locked away his gun and took off his badge, I’d grab his hand and drag him to the board. For a thirteen-year old, I was exceptionally good. Now, as I reached the middle landing and could see no one else in sight, I hated the fact I’d stayed late. My foot had just reached the next step when I felt a tug on my backpack. I flew backward into Nixon’s chest. Smiling down at me, he kicked me behind my knees until I dropped. I lifted my head to find his two best friends—Darren and Jacob— staring down at me. “W-what do you want?” It was a pointless question since I already knew the answer. They didn’t want anything except my fear. They wanted power and to feel better about themselves. This had nothing to do with me. At least that was what I tried to tell myself. But my mother’s words weren’t helping much today. Nixon chuckled, shaking my backpack, and me along with it. “I want to know why you’re such a freak. No wonder you’re always alone.” He looked to his friends and forced me to stand. “What about you guys?” They both nodded. I wanted friends. Everyone did. But it had never been easy for me. I liked things other kids

didn’t. I was quiet and preferred to listen rather than talk. I didn’t actively seek out friends— growing up in a house with six siblings meant alone time was precious. But I always wanted to belong. My fists clenched. I was so sick of this. Without warning, I rammed my elbow back and connected with Nixon’s stomach. I took advantage of Darren and Jacob’s surprise—I’d never fought back before—and darted around them, heading for the top. Nixon reacted faster than I thought possible. My backpack was jerked, harder than ever, and he whirled me around to face him. I’d never seen him so mad. “You want a real fight?” he asked, his mouth twisting into an evil grin, right before he punched me in the stomach. I bent over as pain ripped through me. I was still curled forward when he jabbed me in the side and I fell into the railing. “What? Lost your balls already?” “Did he ever have any?” Jacob asked from behind me. I heard the telltale sign of a high-five while they laughed. Tears burned my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I straightened and turned around to face them. They usually let me go by now. “Please move.” The three of them stood with their arms crossed until Nixon slowly walked

forward. “It was just getting fun,” he hissed. “Don’t you want to hit me again?” “No.” And it was the truth. Even after everything, I didn’t have any interest in hurting him. I only wanted to be left alone. I shuffled back two small steps. He continued to come closer, his lips curling into a snarl. “Liar.” One step forward. One step back. One step forward. One step— “Dude, watch out!” Jacob hollered. My foot met air and suddenly I was falling backward. Nixon’s eyes widened and he reached out a hand, but it was too late. I cringed as my body and head collided with the steps I’d just walked up. It felt like I tumbled down the stairs for years instead of seconds. My head throbbed and by the time I reached the bottom, I felt a searing pain shoot through my left arm. I noticed it was bent at an odd angle. My eyes started fluttering shut. “Dude!” Jacob said again as three sets of feet pounded down the stairs. “It was an accident,” Nixon rushed out, his voice sounded high and nervous. I could understand why—we’d never gotten into a fight

like this. Never with lasting consequences, at least for him. The two years I’d spent being picked on by them would last forever, but no one else could see that. “I think his arm is broken,” Darren said. “No shit,” Nixon snapped. “We… we gotta go.” “We should get help—” Nixon cut Jacob off. “Someone will come by soon enough. Do you really want to explain what the hell happened?” I didn’t hear his response or any of the conversation that followed; my head was too muddy. A minute or two later I heard them running away. The pain in my head intensified until I passed out. When I opened my eyes again, I was in a hospital bed. “Honey?” My mother sprang up from her seat and put her hand on my arm—no, on my cast. My left arm was indeed broken. “How are you feeling?” My father came in before I could answer, his eyes immediately falling on me. “Hey, buddy. How are you feeling?” he asked, unknowingly repeating Mom’s question. “Fine,” I mumbled, turning my face away. I couldn’t look at him. My father. A police

chief. A man known for his strength, a man who was freely given respect. What did he think of me? I would never be like him. He was probably ashamed of me— “Grayson?” My eyes stayed on my lime green Vans set in the corner of the room. “Grayson?” he asked again, softer this time. I finally looked up when he took a seat on the bed. “You okay, son? Be honest.” I tried to sit up straight, despite the pain. He never slouched. “Yes, sir.” My dad frowned and I wondered what I was doing wrong. His expression changed as he grabbed my right hand. “You’re a very brave boy, Grayson. I’m proud of you.” I froze. I could still hear the shouts. Loser. Freak. Weirdo. I could still feel the tug of my backpack. I could still remember the pain of my body making repeated contact with the stairs. I was haunted by the laughter that echoed down the halls. I bet that never happened to him. And I never heard about it happening to my older brother, Brad, either.

Brave? Hardly. Proud? He shouldn’t be. “Grayson.” His voice was stern now, and my head snapped back up. “You are brave. You are strong. You matter.” Trembling, I fought to hold back my tears. My mother was softly crying as my dad reached forward and drew me into a hug. “It’s okay. You’re safe now,” he whispered. Soft, gentle fingers wrapping around my tightly coiled fist brought me out of the memory. I looked over and saw Ellie’s eyes full of sadness and understanding. I’d thought I’d buried my past. But my readily available recount of what happened proved the grave was shallow. It was probably more a part of me than I knew—just like it was for Ellie. Now we were forcing each other to reexamine everything. I couldn’t deny my past any longer. My parents had tried over the years. Of course, I hadn’t told them the truth. I gave them facts. Something people were usually content with. They treated facts as truths, though they weren’t even close to the same thing. We asked others to dig deeper for us, yet we were usually reluctant to give them the same

courtesy. We wanted understanding and yet were hesitant to return it. I imagined if we did, the world would become infinitely more complicated. If we all really looked at each other and saw the truths, not just the facts, we would be forced to understand people rather than alienate them. Because understanding requires empathy, and no one wants to imagine they could become an alcoholic like Ellie. Or accidentally kill someone in a car accident like the teenage boy I had to arrest last week. We didn’t want to imagine we could reach certain places. Certain lows. The reality was that a thousand truths could hide behind a single fact, and yet people often only cared about the surface. Ellie was forcing me to reveal the truth, to examine my life more than I ever had before. I had always been able to recite the facts, to my parents, to the nurse, to the principal… but never the truth. Fact: I had been shoved in a locker. Truth: It made me feel as small and insignificant as the tight space I was crammed into. Fact: I had been tripped in the cafeteria and was sprawled out on the floor while everyone laughed. Truth: It made me feel like I belonged on the ground. Fact: During gym someone broke into my locker and replaced everything in my backpack with garbage. Truth: It made me feel like garbage.

And so on and so on… I could probably go on for days. “Grayson?” Her voice was sweet and soft, and her hand squeezed a little tighter around mine. A reminder. I’m here. I looked over at her and felt as though I was seeing her for the first time. It felt like she was seeing me for the first time. Our childhoods had been so different, and yet there was a kinship between us. We had both been lonely and desperate, trying to find a way out of our sorrow. She turned to alcohol because of the friends it gave her. I turned to Taylor because I’d been able to hide my pain beneath hers. Neither worked. Internal torment couldn’t be fixed through external means. Right now, it didn’t feel like we were trying to fix one another. Right now we were just there for each other, sitting together in our collective pain. It helps. I’m here. Small reminders that we had each other now. Ellie smiled, and her eyes lit up, making me wonder if she’d been thinking the same thing. I’m falling for her… The thought almost took my breath away. It wasn’t a casual kind of falling either—I was in deep. So much so that if I tried to let her go, I’d lose a piece of myself as well.

I didn’t necessarily want it. For her sake, not mine. I knew from the beginning how lucky I’d be to call her mine. But there were some people who pulled you in, who made you laugh and feel and forget all about the plans you had. Ellie was one of those people. “I’m glad you’re not invisible,” she said after a while. “I’m glad I met you. You’re one of the few people who see me.” Her shoulders rose and fell. I frowned, bringing my fingers up to trace her jaw. “The girl who everyone forgot,” I whispered. It was a tragedy and made no sense to me. How anyone wouldn’t crave her company, how they could ever forget her—or want to. “The boy who wished to be forgotten.” Her words were just as soft. “We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?” Ellie asked on a laugh, and it wasn’t as somber as one would expect. I smiled back and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. “I wish I’d known you back then.” Ellie’s eyes turned sad when she looked down at her lap. “Maybe we could have saved each other…” Using my index finger, I pushed her chin up until her gaze was on me once again. “Maybe we still can.”

Damien looked ready to jump out of his skin by the time I drove Ellie back to the apartment. It wasn’t long after our confessions that she started worrying about Andy. She was willing to try and stay longer, but I didn’t want her to sit there and feel any worse. Her brother had the door flung open when we were halfway up the stairs. I wasn’t surprised Naomi had confided in him. And even though he was shooting daggers at me, I was glad he knew because Ellie would have never told him. She rolled her eyes, not questioning his knowledge, before saying she was going to check on her son. “She wasn’t ready,” he said as soon as she left, Naomi trailing behind her. The words were harsh and angry. “You shouldn’t have let her talk to them.” “What could I do? Throw her over my shoulder and carry her out of the store kicking and screaming?” My words were sarcastic and my tone was most definitely taunting. He glared. I wasn’t sure why I was being such a dick. Damien and I wanted the same things.

However ridiculous it would have been, I’d wanted to caveman carry her out of there and protect her from any harm. Maybe I had said it that way for my benefit as much as his. We couldn’t treat her like a child. Even if protecting her was all we really wanted, we had to be careful about how. I’d once told him that treating her as if she were fragile just reinforced her parents’ words, that she was helpless. At the time I’d barely known her, but now I could see how easy it would be to get sucked into that trap. “She can’t lean on you forever,” I tried to remind him, attempting to make my tone calming. Instead of pacifying him, he seemed to get angrier. “But she can lean on you? Did it make you feel like a big strong protector to be able to comfort her?” No. Because she had been mad. Hurt. Devastated. “I—” “Stop it,” Ellie cut me off. We both turned to find her glaring at Damien. “It wasn’t his fault.” “Talking to them was a mistake, Ells.” The gentle words soothed her and her shoulders slumped. “I know, okay? But some mistakes people need to make for themselves. You talked to Mom earlier this year when I was pregnant. I didn’t know what she said, all I heard was your side, and it wasn’t

good. Still, for the past few months, especially since Andy was born, I’ve been struggling with the urge to drive over there. I know it’s stupid. But I saw them and I had to try. If not for me, for Andy. Right?” Before we could say anything, she continued. “That was my thought when I went over to them. It was obviously a mistake, but I would have always wondered. Today it’s hard. Hopefully in the future I’ll have peace knowing I did what I could.” Stunned. That was the only word to describe Damien’s expression. I was sure it was reflected on my face as well. “Okay. Then I’m proud of you.” Ellie smiled and then nodded my way. “And I believe you owe Grayson an apology.” It wasn’t necessary, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Damien had become somewhat reluctant around me. He may have approached me a few months back, asking me to watch out for his sister, but once he saw how close we were getting, he became skittish. The only conclusion I could draw was that he was nervous about me hurting her. I was nervous about failing her too, but at this point I couldn’t stop seeing her even if I wanted to. I may have sought Ellie out because he asked,

but the second she swung open the door to their apartment and I saw her standing there, I was hooked. With her fair and clear skin, and long, light blonde hair, she was so simple and unassuming, it had been hard to imagine she was struggling with an addiction. I’d never forget that moment as long as I lived. I felt something surge in me, almost like I was being brought back to life. But Damien didn’t know any of that. He only saw his sister. And the man who could hurt her.

Ever since I ran into my parents last weekend, Damien, Naomi, and Grayson kept looking at me like I was close to cracking. I could tell they thought I was lying every time I told them I was okay. But I really was okay. It surprised me, too. Maybe it was the chaos of a newborn, maybe it was the support system I had in place now, or maybe I really was getting stronger. All I knew for sure was that I wasn’t destroyed by their words.

The fact that Damien had walked into the apartment four days ago and announced we were moving certainly gave me something else to think about. Apparently he’d been looking for houses to rent ever since Naomi moved in with us, and he recently found a place he thought we’d all loved. He was right. Naomi and I met him at the prospective house the next day, and we fell in love with it immediately. It was two stories with three bedrooms and two baths. I’d only moved one other time in my life. Six years ago when Damien took us out of our parents’ house. He never called it ours, and he refused to call it a home. So even though it felt a bit strange in my mouth, we always said “our parents’ house.” Soon we’d have a home. “Hey!” I jumped as Naomi plopped onto the couch beside me. “Sorry,” she said with a laugh. “I thought you heard me come in.” “Obviously not. Where were you again?” “I had lunch with Derek.” My lips pulled down. “How’s he doing with Sam gone?” Naomi shrugged, her eyes sad. “He says he’s fine… I don’t know, I’ve never seen him so low. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t have Rory there reminding him of her absence.” “Rory?”

“Her dog. She left him with Derek.” She shook her head and propped her feet onto the table. “Part of me thinks he’s punishing himself for waiting so long to admit his feelings for her.” Naomi frowned and started picking at the fray on one of the pillows. “Are you okay?” I asked. It seemed like she was down about more than just her brother. “Yeah. I got a paper back today and I didn’t do as well as I thought.” She shrugged but she seemed really bummed about it. I suddenly felt terrible. Since I’d had Andy, I hadn’t had much time to talk about anything else. I still saw and spoke to Naomi and Damien, but almost every conversation revolved around me and the baby. I had no idea how either of them were doing, and they were both in the process of some big life changes themselves. Naomi had started law school a few months ago, and Damien was still juggling two jobs in an effort to provide for all three of us. In fact, I already knew he was taking money out of his savings fund to rent this house. Naomi and I felt guilty because he was saving that money for his own tattoo shop, but he assured us this was what he wanted. I hated it, but he insisted. I didn’t argue too long because a) I knew he liked his jobs and b) he wouldn’t have changed his mind anyway. “I’m sorry,” I said.

She frowned. “Why?” “I’ve hardly had any time to ask how you’re doing.” “You shoved something the size of watermelon out of your vagina less than three months ago, and now you’re responsible for keeping him alive—I think you have a pass.” Smiling, I weaved my arm through hers. “I still want to know how you’re doing.” And it wasn’t as though I was solely focused on Andy. Grayson was taking up some of my time too, so I really couldn’t use my son as an excuse. “It’s challenging,” she admitted. “I love it, I do. It’s just a lot in the beginning. I’m still finding my bearings.” “Well—” I started only to be cut off by the doorbell. “I’ll get it.” Naomi popped up and jogged to the door. My head fell back against the couch, and I’d just closed my eyes when I heard… “Hey, Grayson.” I sat up straight and ran my hands down my shirt, dispersing any stray crumbs from the bag of Cheetos I’d been eating earlier. “Ellie?” Looking up, I saw the two of them standing there as I combed my fingers through my hair. I winced when I went to let go. Of course I would get stuck on a knot. Naomi appeared to be stifling a

smile while I brought my other hand up and disentangled my fingers from my hair. It seemed every embarrassing moment had to happen in front of Grayson. “I’ll leave you two alone to talk.” Naomi surrendered to her grin before she winked and turned toward the hall. “Wait!” I jumped up and threw Grayson a smile before walking her way. “We were talking. I can ask him to leave—” “Don’t you dare,” she interrupted, her voice just as soft as mine. “I don’t feel neglected, Ellie. I’ve been busy, too. Go have fun with your boy toy,” Naomi teased. I looked back and found Grayson’s eyes on us. My entire face felt red by the time I faced Naomi again. Before I could speak, she leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “I know, you love me.” Then, with a wide grin, she spun around and disappeared. Closing my eyes, I silently counted to five before turning toward Grayson. “Sorry about that.” He cleared his throat and gestured to the door. “I can go if this is a bad time.” “No. Not at all. What’s up?” “I have the day off. I thought maybe we could do something.” Grayson shrugged, looking more uncomfortable by the second. “Yeah. I-I’d love to.”

I watched my words roll over him, releasing the tension in his shoulders, smoothing out the skin between his eyebrows, and causing his lips to tip up. It was the soft boyish grin that never failed to make me lightheaded. “What’d you have in mind?” “I thought the three of us could grab lunch.” “Okay. Let me go grab Andy. He’s napping.” I heard Grayson’s footfalls behind me as I walked in my room. Andy’s eyes fluttered open as soon as I lifted him from his crib. A wide, toothless smile split his mouth as he laughed. He immediately reached for my necklace. “No, no, baby.” I gently grabbed his hand, brining it to my lips and blowing a raspberry on his palm. Andy kicked his legs, his joyous shriek echoing through the room. “You’re amazing with him.” “He makes it easy,” I said, keeping my eyes on Andy. “I’m sure that’s not always the case.” Turning my head, I grinned. “True, but these are the moments I want to focus on.” I walked to the changing table and put Andy on his back. “How are you doing?” Grayson asked. I froze. I didn’t have to be looking at him to know he wasn’t asking a general question. This was about my parents.

“I’m okay,” I said as I unsnapped the bottom of Andy’s onesie. “I wish you all would believe me.” I startled when I felt his hand on my arm. “I believe you, Ellie.” He tilted my chin up so I was looking in his warm, brown eyes. “I’m not saying you’re not okay. I just need to know you’ll come to me if you’re not.” I couldn’t move, and could barely breathe. But somehow I found the power to. “I will.” Grayson smiled before taking a deep breath. “Look, Ellie, I was wondering—” Andy wailed and started wiggling his legs. Grimacing, I said, “Hold that thought?” I turned back to my son. “Sorry, buddy.” I leaned down to kiss his head before lifting his leg and kissing the side of his foot. I never did find out what Grayson was going to say. Damien came home a few minutes later and the words seemed to retreat into Grayson. But I could see the question burning in his gaze for the rest of the afternoon.

WILL YOU GO OUT with me? It was simple. Easy. And yet the question had been sitting heavy on my tongue for nearly two weeks. Halloween came and went, and unfortunately I had to work. But Ellie sent me a picture of her and Andy dressed as Wonder Woman and Captain America, respectively. I loved it as much as I hated it. Because it was another reminder about how I hadn’t had a minute alone with her in the last fourteen days. I’d seen her, but that was only to help her move. Damien and Naomi were always nearby. Right now we had a rare moment alone. Her brother and his girlfriend had just stepped out to pick up dinner for all of us after we finished unpacking the last of the boxes in their new house today. Please let this be the last time someone moves for a while…

Andy was sleeping in his bouncer nearby while an exhausted Ellie plopped down on the couch. “You know what you need?” I asked suddenly, afraid I’d chicken out otherwise. She lifted her head from where it’d dropped on the back of the couch. “What’s that?” she asked with a smile. “To go out.” Ellie froze, and I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. Before she could say anything, I continued, “You need a break. A night out. Between your parents and the move and constantly looking after Andy… things have been pretty stressful. Let’s get you out of the house.” She swallowed roughly before asking, “You and me?” The whole holding-my-breath thing made it hard to speak, so I nodded. “Okay.” Ellie grinned. “Yeah, that sounds good.” I exhaled, my own smile forming. “How’s Thursday? I work weird hours the next three nights, but I have a dayshift on Thursday and should be off in time to pick you up for dinner… around seven?” “Sure.” She laughed and shook her head, almost like things were happening too fast. It wasn’t because I was worried about her changing her mind; I was simply ready for a real night out with her. She was probably expecting me

to pick Friday, but I didn’t want to wait a day longer than I had to. With today being Sunday, I already had to wait almost four days. It wasn’t until I left that I realized I hadn’t technically asked her out the way I’d wanted to. If I was being honest, I’d been too chickenshit to call it a date. But she had to know… right? I felt like it was written all over my face, how badly I wanted this girl. The next few days would feel like the longest of my life, but I’d get through them, and then finally… finally I’d be able to take her out the way I’d been dying to.

It’s not a date. It’s not a date. It’s not a date. The chant was useless. I hadn’t been on many dates. In fact, all my “dates” began with us going through a drive-thru and ended with us almost passed out in the back of the guy’s truck. I never really remembered any of the details in between. And yet, despite my limited knowledge, despite telling myself it wasn’t a date, my heart wasn’t getting the clue. Neither was Naomi. She was insistent that Grayson wanted to make it a date but

was too nervous to say so. So when she dragged me into her bathroom and sat me down to do my hair and makeup, I didn’t argue. My smile widened as I watched Naomi in the mirror. We were silent while she curled my hair, and I took that time to look over my face. I didn’t think I was ugly, but I’d never felt quite as beautiful as I did right now. My skin was clear, with just a dab of concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes courtesy of Andy, and my makeup was soft. All Naomi did was put on a small amount of peach blush and a bit of mascara. It wasn’t a lot, but since I never wore makeup, it felt like I was a whole new person. My gaze moved down, looking at my outfit. I was wearing a dark green skirt that flirted with my ankles and a white tank top covered by a white long-sleeved see-through blouse that was loose on my frame. I brought my hands to my stomach, as if I could quell the butterflies taking flight within. I was nervous, but I was also more excited than I’d been in a long time. Naomi finished a few minutes later. My long blonde locks had a beach curl to them, and half my hair was pinned to the back of my head. When we walked downstairs, Naomi was

practically skipping down the steps. I was sort of afraid she’d break her neck. But she made it down safely and jogged to the front room where Damien was playing with Andy. My feet had just reached the last step and I heard her announce, “May I present, Miss Ellie Harrington.” With a grin and a slight shake of my head, I turned the corner and walked toward my family. Damien stood up, his lips tipping into a smile. “You look beautiful, Ells.” “Thank you.” I started fidgeting under their stares. “Quit it,” I mumbled, walking over to my son. “Hey, buddy.” I bent down and picked him up. He giggled and began slapping my neck, one of his favorite things to do. When he made a move to pull on my hair, Naomi came around and took him from me. “No, no, no. That hair took thirty minutes. Bad baby.” She tried to be stern but Andy’s constant laughter made it impossible for her. “You’re gonna be such a little troublemaker, aren’t you?” she asked. And I swear to God he nodded like he understood. Chuckling, I gave him a kiss on his forehead, and then I grabbed his foot and kissed the bottom. “I’m going to wait outside on the porch swing,”

I said, gesturing to the front door. Damien frowned. “Why?” I twisted my hands in front of me. “I don’t want to inconvenience him. This way he won’t have to get out of his car.” This time it was Naomi’s turn to frown. “That’s ridiculous, Ellie. You’re not inconveniencing him. He seems exactly like the sort of gentleman who wants to ring the doorbell, open the car door, pay for dinner, make sure you come first, and—” “Naomi,” my brother groaned, and my face turned bright red. She didn’t care… about either of our reactions; she simply laughed. “It’s not a date,” I mumbled before clearing my throat, trying to ignore the mounting tension. Despite Damien’s annoyance, I also knew pissing each other off was some kind of weird foreplay between them. “I also can’t stand how you two are staring at me.” “Like what?” my brother asked, breaking his heated gaze away from his girlfriend. “Like you’re my parents waiting for my prom date to show up so you can threaten him with the fact that you have a gun and you know how to use it… or something to that effect.” Naomi’s lips quirked as Damien said, “Grayson’s a cop. I don’t think that line would work.”

I waved him off. “Oh, you know what I mean. You two are making me nervous.” Both their eyebrows shot up their foreheads. “Fine, nervous… er.” I quickly escaped before they could say more, closing the door on their affectionate laughter. Glancing at the bench, I sat down, holding my purse in front of me. I couldn’t wait to see Grayson. I felt like I was floating. But as ten minutes turned to twenty, and twenty turned to thirty, I couldn’t stop my heart from sinking. He isn’t coming. The one time I wasn’t afraid of being forgotten… and I was. Would there ever be a time when I was a priority? Wanted? Hell, remembered? I could hear Damien and Naomi laughing while I sat on the porch, too afraid to go back inside. My tears fell and my stomach started to grumble. Opening my purse, I dug around until I found a granola bar I’d forgotten in there from last week. If this wasn’t pathetic, I didn’t know what was. My first date—at the age of twenty-one I might add —ended with me sitting on the porch eating a slightly stale breakfast bar. But this hadn’t been a date. I wanted to stay out here, to avoid going back in and admitting the truth, but it was getting dark

and the air had a slight bite to it. I hadn’t brought a jacket because I thought if I did get cold, Grayson would be one of those men who offered me his. And I wanted that. I wanted to be wrapped up in him. I’d built this up in my head, and now I was paying the price for it. More tears came. God, I was such an idiot. The butterflies from earlier hadn’t disappeared; instead they settled in my stomach like a weight. Sad and heavy, reminding me of my foolishness. How, after so many years of expecting the worst, had I let my hopes get so high? I checked my phone for the hundredth time, making sure I hadn’t missed a text or call, but the screen was blank. There was nothing, not from him or anyone else. Because the only people who really cared were in the house behind me, thinking I was out having fun. There weren’t any notifications, but I did see the time. Forty-five minutes. That was how long I’d sat and waited. I didn’t want to face the humiliation of telling Damien and Naomi I’d been stood up, but I was tired of waiting. I was tired of feeling unimportant and forgotten. I was tired of having hope that someone would see me, that someone would want me. Sniffling, I slowly got up and fixed my skirt

before dragging myself toward the front door. I hovered with my hand above the doorknob, turning my head one last time to see if his car had pulled up. It hadn’t. It wouldn’t. I was forgotten. Again.

Taking a deep breath, I wiped away the remaining tears and twisted the handle before stepping through and softly closing it once more. “Ells?” D called from the other room. He sounded confused, most likely wondering what I was doing home so early, but he also sounded happy. I could hear the laughter in his voice. And though I hadn’t thought it possible, I grew even sadder. He was happy, and I was constantly causing him sadness. I didn’t know how I’d have survived without him, he gave me so much. What had I ever given him? Our parents had loved him; he could have

reconnected with them eventually. We left because of me. He wanted to buy his own tattoo shop, but all his money went into keeping me alive. The only things I added to his life were stress and sadness. Maybe Grayson could see that, maybe that was why he changed his mind. He realized what knowing me could cost a person. I cleared my throat of the sudden emotion. “Yeah, it’s me,” I said back, relieved I sounded normal. I toed my shoes off, leaving them and my purse by the front door before walking to the living room. “Why are you back so—?” Naomi cut herself off when she saw me. “What’s wrong? What’d he do? I didn’t think I had to worry about this with Grayson, but whatever he did, I will cut off his balls, grind them up in my new Ninja, and feed them to him.” That got a laugh out of me. It was nice she was in my corner, even if she was only there because of Damien. Shaking my head, I made my way around the couch and sat on the ground next to Andy. He babbled and raised his fists, like he was happy to see me. I smiled, the first one in almost an hour, as I picked him up and held him to me. I saw Damien lean forward out of the corner of my eye. “Ells, what happened?”

I blew out a breath and turned fully toward them. “He must have forgotten.” I shrugged, like it didn’t matter, like it hadn’t ripped my heart from my chest. “What?” Damien hissed as he stood up. Naomi jumped up with him, placing a hand on his arm. “Are you telling me you’ve been sitting on the porch for an hour?” “Technically it was only forty-five minutes,” I mumbled in an attempt to pacify my brother. The flames shooting from his eyes indicated I was unsuccessful. “Wait, wait… this makes no sense. Grayson is crazy about you,” Naomi said. She tapped her chin like she was thinking before she said, “Maybe he got shot.” My eyes widened and I clutched Andy a little tighter. “Why would you say that?” I shrieked. My banshee noise scared him and he started wailing. “Shh, shh, Mommy’s sorry,” I whispered as I bounced him. He settled down some. “Being shot is the only excuse I’ll accept,” Damien grumbled. I glared at him. Naomi sat in front of me. “I doubt he was shot. I’m sorry. Bad joke. I just meant, I’m sure there’s a reason.” She gave me a small smile, and I looked up to see Damien mirroring her. I gazed back and forth between them and thought, How nice. How nice it must be to be that

in love; they weren’t looking at each other, no words were exchanged, they weren’t even touching, and I could still feel their love. And man, it had to be wonderful to feel that way. Naomi was right. I was sure there was a reason. You’re stupid. You’re lazy. You can’t do anything useful. I was also sure those weren’t the reasons Naomi was thinking, but my mother’s voice was the only thing I heard. It was all I ever heard. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” I tried to smile back. It must not have been successful because she still appeared worried; they both did. “I promise I’m fine. These things happen, right?” Damien’s eyes darkened, and I spoke again before he could. “I’m kind of tired, though, and I really want to get out of this outfit.” I smiled at Naomi, a small thank-you for her wasted efforts. Then I moved to get up but she blocked me. “Nuh-uh. We’ll take him to bed.” “But—” “No buts. Just take a few minutes to yourself. You can stop in afterward.” “Okay.” I smiled and handed my son over before standing up. “Thanks,” I whispered before walking out of the room toward the stairs. I’d just put my foot on the first step when I felt a hand wrap around my upper arm.

“Ellie,” Damien whispered. “Yeah?” I didn’t turn around, so he gently pulled until I was facing him. His worried eyes moved around my face, searching for something. “You should eat something.” I shook my head. “I’m not hungry.” “Ells,” he said sternly. “I had a granola bar outside,” I admitted on a dejected whisper. He looked so sad as he said, “I’m sorry.” “It’s okay.” “No, it’s not.” His voice was hard again. Shrugging, I conceded, “Maybe not. But it’s…” I trailed off, all the words I could end that thought with made me unbearably sadder. Expected. Normal. I think that was why it hurt more, because I hadn’t been worried. There wasn’t a single part of me that thought he would forget me… and then he did. Damien seemed to know what I was thinking, and he quickly crushed me to his chest. “I love you, Ellie. I love you so damn much.” I couldn’t stop the tears from silently running down my face. “I love you, too, D,” I mumbled into his chest, my arms wrapped tightly around his middle. Several minutes later, we pulled away. I gave

him one last watery smile before I disappeared upstairs.

Earlier that night, when Naomi had begged me to let her put a little makeup on me, I’d thought it was stupid. But it was Naomi, and Naomi usually got her way, so I’d stopped arguing two minutes in and agreed. And, in the end, I was glad I had. I’d thought I looked pretty. I’d been excited for Grayson to see me outside of the spit-up clothes and dark circles from having a newborn. Now, as I undid Naomi’s work—the only people who’d seen it besides me being my brother and his girlfriend—I felt stupid all over again. Stupid and pathetic. I stared in the mirror. Half of my makeup was wiped away, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was seeing my entire life. Torn between who I was and who I wanted to be. Maybe I needed to stop fighting it and accept what the world kept trying to tell me. I scrubbed until my skin was red, and changed into my pajamas. The only outward indication of

this horrible night was the slight hold my curls still held. Lying down in bed, I stared up at the ceiling, my thoughts spiraling to places I didn’t want to go. My stomach growled, reminding me I hadn’t eaten anything else once I came inside. I was too tired to get up. And not just physically tired, but a bonedeep, in-my-soul tired. I was ashamed to admit it, but my mind drifted to alcohol. I wondered if it would help… if it would take the edge off and make me feel less alone. It always had before. No. No. No! Don’t go there, Ellie. You’re stronger than this. You’ve made it almost ten months without a drop. You don’t need it. The relief will only be temporary and then you’ll hate yourself. Think of all you have. Andy. Damien. Naomi. Joy. I nodded, like the voice inside my head was another person in the room. Still, I leaned over and opened my nightstand, fumbling around until my hands landed on my nine-month sobriety token. The plastic dug into my palm when I squeezed it, letting the pain remind me of what I had to lose. Everything. And then, like a miracle, Andy cried. It was the perfect moment. Somehow he knew how much I

needed him to need me right now. I was shutting my door just as Naomi made it to the top. “I can get him, Ellie.” Shaking my head, I said, “It’s okay. I need him tonight.” She smiled like she understood. “Okay. Don’t hesitate to ask if you need something… anything, okay?” “Of course. Thanks, Naomi.” I quickly padded across the hall before gently opening and shutting his door. I picked him up and cradled his tiny body against my chest, my face against his soft hair as I felt more tears fall. Sitting in the rocking chair in the corner, I tried to lull him back to sleep with a song. Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high; There’s a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. The last word ended on a sob. How long would I have to wait for my rainbow? How long would it be before my dreams came true? Andy finally nodded off, but I kept singing, low and light, promising him things I wasn’t sure were real.

“Man, that was crazy for a Thursday night,” Brody said as he brought the last perp in. “Yeah, it—wait, what did you say?” I didn’t need him to repeat it; I’d heard exactly what he said. Maybe I just had to ask so I could really drive the point home of what a fucking moron I was. Brody’s brows furrowed. “I said it was crazy busy for a Thursday night,” he repeated slowly. Ellie. Our date. Except it wasn’t. I was too chicken to call it one. Either way, I’d stood her up… “Shit, shit, shit,” I muttered. I left him, hearing his shouts about what was wrong, and sprinted to the locker room. I hardly remember the minutes it took for me to change and clock out; all I remember was feeling like I was running out of time, like something precious was slipping through my fingers. I dialed Ellie’s number as I made my way to my car, two hours after I was supposed to pick her up. It went straight to voice mail. Cursing, I threw all my stuff in the backseat before backing out and making my way to Ellie’s house.

I thought of the bouquet of fresh flowers I had sitting in my fridge at home and wondered if I should stop by and grab them. I’d picked them up before work this morning so I wouldn’t forget tonight. My mind went to a different place when I worked; I tried to block everything else out. I had to. I hadn’t been worried about the time because Thursdays usually weren’t too bad so I figured I’d be off on time. I shook my head and hit the steering wheel. Fuck. My headlights flashed across the front of the house, including the family room window, where I could see the TV was on. Seconds later, I was out of my car and heading toward the door. It opened when I was about halfway there, Damien’s large form walking through it, quickly followed by Naomi. “I need to see Ellie.” I didn’t ask because one way or another, it was happening. Her brother gave me a slow once-over, like he was considering something. He was my friend and Ellie adored him, but I would punch him the fuck out if he tried to stop me from seeing her right now. “You’re not shot,” he finally said. My head snapped back, surprised and confused. “What?” I asked, half a second before his fist met my face.

“Damien!” Naomi scolded as she shoved him backward. “What?” he asked breezily. “You threatened to feed his Ninja-pureed balls to him earlier.” She growled at him before looking at me. “Are you okay?” “I’m fine.” I flexed my jaw. It was a weak hit and when I saw the warning in his eye, I knew it was intentional. We were still friends, but that was his baby sister. And excuse or not, she was left hurting. I nodded my head in understanding—I wanted to punch myself in the face too—and he moved aside. “What the hell?” I heard Naomi ask as I crossed the threshold into the house. “Ugh… guys are so dumb! Why can’t you have a conversation like normal…?” Her voice trailed off. I quickly made my way up the stairs, two at a time. Andy’s door was shut, while Ellie’s was slightly ajar. I checked it first; her bedding was rumpled and she was nowhere to be found. Then I heard soft singing. As I moved closer to Andy’s door, the words became clearer… Someday I’ll wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where trouble melts like lemon drops,

High above the chimney top, That’s where you’ll find me. Her voice cracked on the last word and I heard a sniffle. My heart broke a thousand times over at that one little sound. I knocked on the door and waited for her meek “okay,” before quickly opening it and stepping inside. Ellie’s startled eyes landed on me. “Hi.” She shook herself out of it and whispered, “Hey.” Her eyes grew wet, and she quickly looked down to keep me from seeing. But I saw. I saw the tears of a girl who’d been forgotten more than remembered. Unwanted more than desired. Cast aside more than loved. Judged more than understood. “Ellie, I’m so sorry. Work was crazy and time got away from me. I—” “It’s okay. I understand.” Her voice was soft, reassuring, most likely for the sleeping baby. But I had a feeling she’d say the exact same thing, the exact same way, even if she wasn’t rocking her son. She didn’t sound bitter or angry; she sounded resigned, accepting it like it was normal. “It’s not okay.” I had to work to keep from raising my voice. Her shoulders slumped under the exhaustion

and she stared up at me, completely open and vulnerable. “You’re sure you didn’t change your mind? Because it’s okay if you did. I-I’ll understand.” “No,” I said earnestly as I moved her way and dropped to my knees in front of her. “I promise. I’m not… honestly I’m not used to having plans. As pathetic as it sounds, it’s the truth. Work was my life before I met you, and I’m still adjusting. Today was busy, and I didn’t realize the time until it was too late. That’s it. I swear.” I tentatively put my hands on the back of her calves and squeezed. “Ellie, I’ve been looking forward to this all week.” Her warm hazel eyes moved between mine, unsure and hopeful all at once. “Tell me something that hurts,” I whispered, hoping to connect the way we had before. “This,” she said softly, shattering my heart. “And yours?” Nodding, I copied her, “This.”

I FELL ASLEEP NEXT to the rocking chair, my back against the wall and my head tilted down. My limbs protested movement when I tried to stretch them out. Looking around, I found I was alone. After I’d apologized to Ellie, I’d stayed and we’d talked for a little bit. At some point it had turned into a comfortable silence. We both were content to just watch her rocking Andy. I must have fallen asleep. I slowly made my way downstairs and into the kitchen where Damien and Naomi were. “Morning,” I said. “Hey, Grayson. Are you staying for breakfast?” Naomi asked, glancing over her shoulder as she finished washing her hands. “As long as it’s not my pureed balls on the menu.” She laughed, and I thought I heard a faint chuckle from Damien’s direction too. “I’m making a little bit of everything. Ellie

didn’t eat much last night, so I want her to have her pick,” her brother said, throwing a pointed glare in my direction. He turned to fully face me and crossed his arms. “Do you want to know what she ate?” “Damien,” his girlfriend hissed, shooting him a warning glare. “What?” I asked. I didn’t want my feelings considered. If anything I wanted to feel as shitty as possible, because that was how I’d made Ellie feel. Damien ignored Naomi’s warning and said, “A granola bar. She ate a fucking granola bar for dinner while she sat outside for an hour waiting on you.” “What the hell?” Naomi smacked his arm. “I thought the punch last night and stupid head nods covered everything.” “Nope. That covered him getting through the door to see Ellie. I have free rein on making him feel like shit until the end of time.” It was working. I stared down at my hands as they continued arguing. But I didn’t really see them —I saw Ellie. I imagined what she must have looked like when she’d first stepped outside… excited. And probably so fucking beautiful it would’ve taken my breath away. What she looked like after ten minutes… nervous. Twenty minutes… confused. Thirty minutes… devastated. And yeah, Damien could have free rein. I

deserved it. It was a wound I hadn’t meant to open, a wound I’d never wanted to open. But pain was pain. Damage was damage. And intention didn’t really matter. I was still having a hard time believing I’d forgotten. It didn’t seem possible. More often than not lately she consumed my thoughts. Even silly and mundane things made me think of her. I’d hear a joke and imagine her laugh. I’d see a stuffed animal and think about where I could buy one for her son. I’d go to a new restaurant and wonder if Ellie would enjoy the food. But when I was at work I tried to keep all my focus there. My family had admonished me for being “married to the job” a couple years ago. I hadn’t taken it seriously. In fact, I was proud of it. I thought that kind of dedication should be lauded, not worried over. Maybe all along they’d known I was eventually going to pull away from them. I understood their concern now. In fact, ever since I’d started seeing Ellie with Damien and Naomi, I wondered why I’d let myself drift so far from my family in the first place. “Enough, no free rein. That was the last time you mention it. Give him a break, Day. He’s already suffered.” I looked back up when he asked, “How?”

“A, you punched him. B, you just told him what happened so you don’t need to rehash it, and C, and this is the big one, he missed out on seeing how hot Ellie looked. That last one is punishment enough.” Damien grumbled something I didn’t catch, but when he looked over at me and nodded, I figured it was his way of—begrudgingly—forgiving me. If only I could absolve myself as easily. “Where’s Ellie?” I asked right as loud banging came from the living room. I hadn’t even checked in there when I came down. Naomi smiled. “She’s playing with Andy. I think I’ll go join them.” Once she left the room Damien spoke again. “You were supposed to make her life easier, to help her.” Okay, so maybe he doesn’t forgive me… “And it seems you’re just bringing her more pain,” he continued. “I didn’t ask you to look out for her so you could—” “What?” We both turned to find a horrified Ellie standing in the doorway with a dirty bowl in her hand. Damien stopped what he was doing and moved toward her. “Ells—” “No.” She quickly took a step back. “W-what are you two t-talking about?” Ellie stuttered, her eyes quickly shifting between her brother and me.

“Nothing, I—” “You asked Grayson to look out for me?” She turned to me, confused and hurt. Damien stepped forward, forcing Ellie’s eyes back his way. “This isn’t his fault. I only wanted to help you. I asked him to watch over you. I thought having him around would be a good idea in case you relapsed or needed extra help. We weren’t trying to deceive you and Grayson never—” “Stop,” Ellie whispered. She teared up and shook her head. Damien’s eyes flew to mine, and I could clearly see the panic in them. “You really think I was so desperate for friends I wanted you to make someone feel sorry for me in order to get one?” she asked. “That I wanted a friendship built on a lie?” He looked stricken and I felt sick. “That wasn’t it at all—” he started as I said, “It wasn’t a lie.” “Then what was it?” she snapped. Ellie swung her head my way, and my knees nearly buckled at the sight of her pain. “I never thought someone would willingly come back to me over and over again like you did. I never thought someone like you would even notice someone like me.” She gave me a watery smile. Her gaze roamed around my face as if she was seeing it for the first and last time. “So I don’t know why I’m surprised. But I am, I really thought…” Ellie glanced away in

embarrassment. I didn’t understand. Damien had told me Ellie might be upset, but I’d never imagined this. I didn’t understand this. “It wasn’t a lie, Ellie,” I repeated, my voice sounding hoarse. “Do you remember how we met?” she asked. I nodded. Every single moment was embedded into my brain. “You really believe you would have looked at a pregnant screwup trying to get herself clean and thought, ‘Hey, that’s someone I want to get to know and spend time with’?” She shook her head. “You wouldn’t have.” “He—” Damien tried to interject on my behalf, but Andy started wailing. “I have to check on Andy.” And with that, she turned around and left.

I felt nauseous and lightheaded as I walked back into the living room. Blindly setting down the dish I had been taking to the kitchen, I looked over at Andy and saw that Naomi had calmed him down. “What’s wrong?” she whispered. Shaking my head, I asked, “Did you know?” Her brows pulled down into a deep V. “Know

what?” “That Damien asked Grayson to be friends with me?” Saying it out loud hurt more than I expected. I was seeing everything differently. Was there actually a time I’d thought he’d wanted more? I thought back to last night and felt even more foolish. Of course he’d stood me up. I wasn’t a priority. I was a responsibility, a checkmark on his to-do list. Just like every other person in my life. “No… I had no idea, Ellie.” Naomi appeared horrified when she looked toward the kitchen. “Ellie?” I froze at the sound of Grayson’s voice behind me. Naomi walked forward and handed Andy to me. My eyes widened, silently begging her not to leave me. “I need to talk to Damien,” she whispered. Her gaze moved to Grayson, and whatever she saw had her eyebrows furrowing. “And you probably need to talk to him.” I didn’t turn around as I listened to her walk away. In fact, I moved farther into the living room, away from Grayson. “Ellie, there’s nothing fake about us,” Grayson began. His voice was soft and I heard him growing closer. “Yes, our relationship started with Damien asking for my help. But that had nothing to do with anything else. I didn’t feel sorry for you or stay

friends with you because of your brother. I care about you.” It was hard not to react when his voice broke on the last word. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. Damien wanted to, he thought I should. I genuinely didn’t understand why it would matter. I didn’t think you’d be so upset…” He trailed off, choking on his words. Grayson grabbed my hand and squeezed, my back still to him and the other arm holding my son. “I would never do anything if I knew it would make you anything other than happy.” I swallowed roughly. “I told you things. I opened up to you and the whole time you knew? You knew I’d had a drinking problem? That I didn’t know who Andy’s father was? That my parents didn’t want me? All of it?” I whispered. His hold on my hand tightened and he said, “Yes.” I turned around, forcing him to drop it. “Do you know how hard those things were to tell you? How stupid I feel to know you knew the whole time?” “Ellie.” His eyes quickly filled with tears. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. Between last night and this morning, I’m just really fucking sorry.” Grayson looked down and shifted on his feet. His next words were so low I almost missed them. “You’re my best friend, Ellie.” Maybe it made me stupid, but I believed him. He was my best friend too, and I knew he didn’t

have it in him to lie. If anything he could be painfully honest. “I need some time.” The words were soft and gentle. He nodded and lifted his head. I watched his hand disappear into his pocket before he took out a bright green post-it note. It was probably from the stack Naomi kept in the kitchen for her schoolwork. He handed it to me. There was only one word on it. Still. My brows furrowed as I held it up. “I don’t understand.” “My mom leaves them for me, letting me know I’m still loved. Mostly she did it if we were fighting. She could never quite pinpoint how I was actually feeling. Now it’s more of a reminder, just because.” Grayson shrugged and stared down at the note. “I’m sorry for a lot of things, more than I thought I’d be. None of it changes how I feel… or where I want this relationship to go.” His Adam’s apple bobbed and my eyes widened. Our conversation was taking a turn I hadn’t expected. Actually, the past twenty-fours felt like a whirlwind of emotions. “I understand you need time. But please remember I still care and you’re still wanted.” His eyes held mine, and he wavered like he was trying to make a decision. After a couple seconds his

expression turned resolute as he leaned forward and gently kissed my forehead. “Please think about everything I said,” he whispered. He waited for my nod, and before I knew it, before I was ready, he was gone.

I thought about it. For the next two and a half weeks I did nothing but think about it. Thanksgiving came and went, and other than a quick Happy Thanksgiving! text message, Grayson and I hadn’t spoken. It sucked. At first I couldn’t figure out who I was more upset with: Damien or Grayson. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was mostly mad at myself. I was mad that my brother had no other choice but to reach out to Grayson. I needed to own up to who I was. I was struggling back then, I needed help, and Grayson was someone I was thankful for every single day. And even if he did take notice because of my brother, at some point he must have decided I was worth knowing. Grayson wanted to be my

friend. I was done letting the negative side of my brain and all the ghosts from my past tell me otherwise. The only problem was I didn’t know how to approach him. I felt silly for getting so upset, for lashing out at two people who were only trying to help me. Trying to shake off the worrisome thoughts, I finished dressing Andy. He was fresh out of the bath because Damien, Naomi, and I were getting ready to take him Christmas-tree shopping. My brother was grumpy when I suggested it, saying we had a ton of other boxes we could start unpacking, and that we didn’t need one so soon. He wasn’t wrong. Since I was still unemployed—aside from helping Naomi with her Etsy shop—I’d been taking on the responsibility of getting the house situated. It was easy to forget how much stuff we had. After living in a small apartment, I guess we’d assumed we didn’t have much. But between our belongings and Naomi’s, we had plenty to unpack. And I wasn’t even halfway done. Having a four-monthold wasn’t exactly conducive to productivity. I walked downstairs, Andy in tow, to find Naomi on the couch, bent over and pulling her shoes on. The stroller was near the coffee table, so I put my son inside while we waited for my brother. “C’mon, Damien!” Naomi shouted toward the

direction of their room. He and Naomi had the master bedroom on the ground level. My room and Andy’s nursery were on the second floor. She’d just looked up from lacing her boots when Damien walked out of their bedroom, acting sheepish. Well, as sheepish as a giant, tattooed, and bearded man could. “Claire called.” He held up his phone. Naomi groaned and I frowned down at Andy, who was giggling and clapping. He had no clue what was happening, but he was clearly excited for the adventure waiting for him beyond the door. Except Naomi and I knew what that call meant. Claire was his boss at the tattoo shop, and she wouldn’t be bothering him unless she needed him to cover for someone. And she hated to do it. My brother was still working hard. Monday through Saturday he spent nine hours in her shop, and on Friday and Saturday night he was a bouncer at the club. Sundays were his only days off. The plan had been for him to reduce his hours once Andy was born, but he decided to continue until December. Naomi was still getting acclimated to law school so she wasn’t free much anyway. “The new guy flaked again, and Claire has a lady coming in for a large piece on her back.” Damien shrugged. “I’m sorry. I’d only have to run in for a few hours. We can go when I get back?” He may not have been receptive to Christmas-tree

shopping initially, but once he saw how excited Naomi and I were, he did a complete one-eighty. His girlfriend stood up from the couch and walked his way. “It’s okay, Day.” She stood on her tiptoes and placed a kiss on his cheek. “We can handle it without you.” My eyebrows shot up and I looked down at my arms, hidden underneath my bulky, baby blue parka, complete with a white faux fur hood. I may not have been able to see them, but I didn’t need to. I knew they were stick skinny. And although I had gotten more muscle from the months of carrying Andy, I was a long ways away from being able to lift and load a freaking tree. Damien chuckled, staring between the two of us, before finally landing on his girlfriend. “Sure, sweetheart.” The sarcasm in his voice was heavy. “You don’t think we can?” she challenged, taking a step back and crossing her arms. “That was the implication, yes. Aren’t lawyers supposed to be good at deducing?” He smirked, and if glares could kill, I’d be an only child right now. “Time out.” I stepped forward, forming a T with my hands. “Naomi, we can’t buy a tree without him. And D, it’s already one o’clock. The place closes early on Sundays.” “Oh.” He frowned and rubbed the back of his neck. Thankfully Naomi took pity on him. They were joking around, but she knew how much

Damien hated letting us down. “It’s not a big deal. If Claire needs help, she needs help.” She lifted her shoulders and motioned to me. “We understand. We can go next weekend.” My brother looked at me and I nodded. Just as he opened his mouth to say something, someone knocked. They started talking and I moved to answer the door. I swung it open and froze. Grayson. The noise behind me stopped. “Hey,” I said softly, suddenly feeling selfconscious about my parka that made me look like I was going out to walk with penguins and not stroll around on a gorgeous Arizona winter day. Because no, I didn’t need something this thick. But our winters were so short we had to squeeze all the cute and comfy clothes into two or three months. “Hello.” He glanced over my shoulder and nodded to Damien and Naomi before bringing his eyes back to mine. “Do you want to come in?” I asked, stepping back and opening the door wider. Grayson looked me over. Then he shifted his gaze to Andy. “Were you leaving?” he asked with a frown. “No,” I blurted out, scared he’d leave. “We were… uhh…” I stared back at Naomi for help. “Getting ready to leave.” My jaw dropped. She threw me under the bus and shrugged, like, What

the hell was I gonna say? Turning back to him, I said, “The plans have been cancelled. So do you—?” “Actually,” Naomi interjected. The mischief in her voice made me nervous. My head pivoted her way as she continued talking. “Damien has to head into work and I’m not feeling very well all of a sudden. Maybe you could go with her?” “You don’t feel good?” my brother asked, his brows dipping in concern as he looked her over. With wide eyes, she shot him an are you stupid? look and discreetly shook her head. It didn’t matter. When I turned to face Grayson he wasn’t paying attention to them. He was too busy frowning down at me. “Go where? Are you okay? Is Andy—?” “We’re fine,” I quickly cut him off. He seemed anxious. “I promise,” I added softly. “They’re perfect!” Naomi came up beside me and flung her arm around my shoulders. “We were going Christmas-tree shopping.” “Oh.” His tense shoulders relaxed. “I didn’t mean to intrude.” “You’re not. Like I said, this is actually perfect. Damien and I can’t go, but we really need a tree.” Naomi forced a pout and I almost rolled my eyes. Then my gaze caught on Grayson, who appeared hopeful but unsure. “I don’t think I’d be able to lift it on my own.”

I pretended to flex my muscles, even if the action was lost in my puffy jacket. “Would you mind?” Grayson smiled. “I’d like that.” I opened my mouth to respond, but Naomi beat me to it. “Excellent!” She rolled Andy forward. “Have fun.” I looked down at him and frowned. His hair was still a bit wet. I pulled out a hat and fit it on his head. “He’ll get a cold if his hair’s wet.” “You don’t catch colds that way. It’s a myth,” Naomi said, grinning down at him. “Oh.” I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth before pulling the hat down further on Andy’s head. “Well, just in case.” Without a word, Grayson grabbed Andy’s bag by the front door and walked down the driveway toward his car. Not a single word was spoken on our way to the tree lot. The radio was off, and Andy was surprisingly quiet for most of the ride. It was the most uncomfortable I’d ever been around Grayson. When we finally pulled into a parking spot, I practically jumped from the car. He made a normal exit and shot me a frown over the roof. I ducked and pretended to be too busy with Andy’s car seat to notice. He was giggling as I unbuckled him. “Hi, baby.” More unintelligible noise exploded from him. I

lifted him and met Grayson by the trunk, where he’d taken out and unfolded Andy’s stroller. “Hey,” Grayson said softly, grabbing my elbow. I looked into his eyes, noting the unease. “I didn’t mean to show up out of the blue. I had gotten in my car and before I knew where I was planning to go, I was at your house.” Warmth exploded in my chest at his words, and I held Andy to me tighter. “It’s okay. I’m glad you did.” “Yeah?” His eyes lit up. “I’ve missed you,” I admitted. His distress dissolved and was replaced with relief as he let out a breath. “Me too. God. I’ve missed you so much. I’ve been walking around in a constant state of feeling like I was forgetting something. Did I turn the stove off? Did I fill out the correct paperwork at work? I finally figured out it was you I was missing.” Pure joy swept through me until I remembered the reason we’d been missing each other. “I’m sor —” “No,” he immediately cut me off. “Please don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. You had every right to be upset.” Grayson must have sensed I was about to say more because he kept going. “If you want to talk about how I fucked up, or you want to demand I crawl around on my knees all afternoon to prove how sorry I am, then by all

means yes, let’s continue this conversation. But if you don’t, I’d really like to forget the last couple weeks ever happened. I just want to enjoy today with you and Andy.” “I want that too,” I said with a grin. He smiled and stepped back, allowing me to put Andy down. We started walking and I noticed his hands fidgeting by his side. I’d come to realize that Grayson was the kind of person who wanted to be useful. “Hey, would you mind pushing Andy for me?” With an eager nod, Grayson took the handles and we started through the lot. It seemed we couldn’t get more than ten feet without someone stopping us so they could look at Andy. He was cute, I totally got it, but I drew the line at random strangers reaching in and petting him like a dog. “Why do people believe babies are communal property?” I grumbled as the latest woman walked away. “They’re not. Andy’s not. He’s mine.” “I don’t think he minds,” Grayson commented. It was true. My son loved people. So much so that when the last person left, Andy started kicking his legs, and I knew what was coming. In three, two, one… “WAHHHH!!” I cringed against the sound and looked at Grayson. “He hasn’t been loving his car seat or stroller lately, and when people are around it’s even

worse. I might have to hold him for a bit.” I’d moved only a few inches when I felt Grayson’s hand on my arm. “Can I?” he asked quietly. “I missed him, too.” With a lump in my throat, I nodded and stepped back. I watched Grayson unbuckle Andy before carefully lifting him up and into his arms. My laughter filled the lot when Grayson stuck his tongue out with wide eyes. Andy quieted instantly, almost unsure. But when Grayson made another funny face, my son lost it. He giggled and kept reaching for Grayson’s jacket. “You love attention, don’t you?” Grayson asked. Andy started slapping him on the cheek. I winced every time. But Grayson didn’t seem to mind. He made a few more funny faces that Andy tried to copy before we started moving deeper into the tree lot. We walked around for close to an hour—Andy in Grayson’s arms the whole time—before we found a tree. It wasn’t huge like some I’d seen. It couldn’t have been a foot or two taller than my five-six frame. Grayson was strapping it to the roof of his car when I asked him if he’d gotten his yet. “I usually don’t get one,” he said. He finished tying the last bit down and turned to face me. “There doesn’t seem much point with only me there.” I frowned. I knew he wasn’t super close to his

family, but I guess I’d never thought about what that entailed. “You could put one up for yourself.” Grayson smiled, dropping his hand to my back and walking me to the passenger side door. Andy was already in his car seat, completely passed out. “I’ll consider it.” I grabbed his hand as it settled over the handle. “Consider more than that. I know I don’t know everything. I know that something about seeing your family makes you sad, but maybe you should try to reach out. “I love Damien. He’s an amazing brother and an even better person. But he was the only family I had. I’d have given anything for two parents who loved me and a handful of siblings who would stand behind me, no matter what.” Feeling a little embarrassed by my sudden declaration, I removed my hand from his and stepped back so he could open the door. I knew he missed his family. He didn’t have to say it. And after getting to know the wonderful man he was, I could only imagine how much they missed him.

DECEMBER 11TH. It was easily my least favorite day of the year, and it was finally here. I’d managed to keep thoughts of Taylor at bay for the first few days of December. But the past week I was practically drowning in memories. Just like every year around this time. I always began acting weird in the days prior to the day—today. I knew it. I’d tried to curb it in the beginning. But there was no stopping it. I usually requested a day or two off and went somewhere quiet, somewhere I could be alone and think. This year I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to see Ellie. The only problem was I’d have to tell her what was wrong. She undoubtedly already knew something was up. I didn’t know if I’d have the courage to say the words aloud. What would she think when she knew? She’d always seen me as a hero, and I’d have to shatter that illusion. As selfish as it was, I wasn’t ready for

that. I may not have believed in the idea of heroes or even in myself, but I liked the knowledge that she felt that way about me. My eyes moved to the white envelope sitting on my kitchen table. It had arrived this morning, and I knew what I’d find when I opened it. Still. This was the hardest note to accept. I was always tempted to crumple it up and throw it out. I didn’t deserve to feel loved today. I was jolted out of my thoughts when I heard the doorbell ring. With a sigh, I walked to the door. Rebecca, Taylor’s mother, always stopped by on this day, and while I didn’t necessarily want to see her, she was relentless. I grabbed the knob and pulled it open, my standard lie of I’m fine on the tip of my tongue, when I saw Ellie’s anxious face. “Hey.” She shifted back and forth on her feet. I looked over her shoulder and saw Damien’s car idling. I could just make out Andy in the backseat. I didn’t respond. I was too shocked. I hadn’t seen her in a little over a week—eight days and four hours to be exact—yet somehow she knew today was the day to stop by? More and more I was beginning to question fate and its role in my life. “Is this a bad time?” she asked. My gaze moved to her delicate throat as she nervously swallowed. Out of the corner of my eye I

saw her hands twitching and her feet shuffling. Numbly I moved my head up and down. God, I couldn’t believe she was here. How did she know? “Oh.” Her shoulders slumped as she wiped her palms along her skirt. When I looked up into her eyes, I was surprised by the amount of despair there. “I—I understand. I’ll just go…” Frowning, I watched her back up and hitch her thumb over her shoulder toward the car. She’s leaving? It wasn’t until she was moving down the first step that I realized what I’d implied. “Wait.” The word was almost hysterical, and if I wasn’t so desperate I might have been embarrassed by it. But she couldn’t leave. I’d barely been able to stop myself from going to her house; now that she was here, there was zero chance I was letting her go. I stepped outside, my bare feet immediately chilling when they touched the cement. Ellie had turned around and was staring at me, confusion written all over her beautiful face. “Are you okay?” She stepped forward and placed her hand on my arm. “Not really,” I answered honestly. “Can you stay? Please?” Nodding, she turned around to wave at Damien. He stayed for a second or two longer before pulling away from the curb.

Like they had a mind of their own, my hands reached out and immediately pulled her against my chest. I buried my face in her hair. My nose grazed the soft skin under her ear and my lips lightly kissed her pulse. My arms moved between her open jacket and her shirt, tightly winding around her waist. Ellie’s hands cradled my head and she slowly started running her fingers through my hair. Occasionally her nails lightly dragged over my scalp. I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that, but I wouldn’t be the first to pull away. Only when she whispered, “Grayson?” did I pull my head back and look down at her. Our arms were still securely in place. “It’s kind of cold,” she said with a shy smile. And even though I hadn’t thought it possible, my lips rose for the first time that day. My fingers lightly traced her spine and I smiled wider as she shivered. “I see.” Ellie blushed at my words. “C’mon.” Her hands fell from my head, but I kept one of my arms inside her jacket, wrapped around her waist as I guided her through the doorway. Not even when I shut and locked the door did I remove it. “Do you want something to drink?” I asked, squeezing her hip. “Sure.” She seemed nervous when I finally

pulled away. Or maybe it was simply my nerves projected onto her. That was a strong possibility. Stopping at the mouth of the room, I looked back at her. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around and have been so out of it. It’s not you, it’s…” I trailed off. “I didn’t mean it that way.” “What way?” she asked. She got me to smile for a second time. “I may be socially inept at times, but even I know that you never use the line ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’ Even if it’s true.” Ellie smiled back right before I turned and left the room. I had just finished pouring her water when I heard another knock. Shit. How had I already forgotten about Rebecca? I walked back in to see Ellie hovering by the fireplace, unsure if she should’ve answered it. “I got it.” I didn’t want her opening the door when I didn’t know one hundred percent who was on the other side. Like most cops, I patrolled in a different city than where I lived, making day-to-day life safer, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t always aware. There were no windows by the door like Ellie’s house had, but I did have a peephole. I froze at the sight of the woman on the other side. Pulling back, I gazed down at my feet. I knew she would stop by, but why right now? Before I’d had a chance to explain anything to Ellie.

“Grayson,” Ellie called out softly. “Aren’t you going to answer?” I looked out the peephole again. She was still there. Anyone else might have given up, but if she knew I was home she would have no trouble waiting me out. Nodding, I cleared my throat before stepping back and pulling the door open for the second time in ten minutes. “If you’re adamant about pretending you aren’t home, you should consider parking your car in the garage.” There was no judgment or malice in her words. Rebecca always wore a look of understanding, but that didn’t mean she would ever stop trying to reach out to me. Without another word, she stepped inside and embraced me. As I wrapped my arms around her, I snuck a glance at Ellie. She was frowning, her brows dipped into a deep V, and a million questions swam in her gorgeous hazel eyes. This hug didn’t feel like Ellie’s. It was nice, comforting, but nothing special. “How are you doing? I know that’s a stupid question—” She stopped talking as she pulled away, finally catching sight of Ellie. “Hi.” Rebecca smiled brightly at Ellie, who looked like a deer caught in headlights. Her eyes widened further as Rebecca crossed the floor and stopped right in front of her. “I’m Rebecca.”

Her hand awkwardly hung in the air until Ellie reluctantly shook it, her stare darting between us, trying to connect us. She could easily deduce Rebecca wasn’t my mother if she’d been looking at the pictures on the mantel. “I’m Ellie.” The words were soft and unsure, and her eyes kept shifting to me. “Is this your girlfriend?” Rebecca asked me. Ellie’s cheeks turned bright red. “Taylor would be so happy you—” “Rebecca,” I bit out. She turned back at my tone and frowned. I subtly shook my head, but I don’t know why I bothered trying to make it discreet. Ellie was looking right at me. Hurt and confusion, and a little bit of accusation in her stare. I walked to Rebecca and gently took hold of her elbow. “Can I call you later?” And before she could look at me in disbelief, I added, “I promise I’ll call.” With a nod, she let me walk her toward the door. She turned around and, with a sad smile, said goodbye to Ellie. Ellie mumbled her own, her gaze now on the floor. I paused by the open door, my back to Ellie. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep,” Rebecca began. “I know you don’t talk about Taylor lightly and I shouldn’t have assumed you’d tell some random girl.” I sighed, warring between frustration and

understanding. “She’s not some random girl. Ellie’s extremely important to me.” “So why did she look like she had no clue who Taylor was?” Rebecca asked, hurt coloring her words. “I haven’t told her yet.” I wouldn’t admit the truth, that I was afraid Ellie would look at me differently if she knew. “She wouldn’t want this,” Rebecca murmured. “How do you think she would feel? Knowing she ended two lives?” Her words were like a punch to the gut. “Taylor would want you to be happy. Deep down you know what happened wasn’t your fault. You just have to let yourself believe it.” She smiled and pushed some hair behind my ear. “Sweet boy. You should tell her. If she’s as special as you think, maybe she can help you.” I took a deep breath before thanking her and pulling her into a hug. When she stepped back, she looked around me at Ellie. “Bye, Ellie. I’ve never been introduced to one of Grayson’s friends before. It was so great to meet you. I hope we’ll see each other again soon.” I slowly shut the door behind her and listened through the wood as she walked away. My eyes were squeezed shut as I tried to figure out what to tell Ellie. “Do you want me to leave?” I looked back to see her arms over her chest. I hated how closed off

and fearful she looked. The words had been soft and aimed at her shoes. I stepped away from the door and walked toward her. When I was close enough I cupped her cheek with one hand. She tensed as I lifted her head up and our gazes connected. “That’s the last thing I want.” I’d expected the words to relieve her tension, but she still looked wary. “Do you want to talk about it?” I could hear in her voice that she was already bracing for my rejection. “Tell me something that hurts?” she said even softer. Nodding my head, I watched her eyes widen and her mouth drop open in shock. Ellie had, undoubtedly, been far more forthcoming with her pain than I’d been. I turned around and moved toward my bedroom, stopping at the mouth of the hall, waiting for Ellie to join me. After a few seconds she did. I listened to her soft footsteps trailing mine. Ellie paused in the doorway, unsure of her place. I hated that. I hated that there was a part of her that doubted me. I couldn’t blame her, but I didn’t have to like it. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I reached into my nightstand and pulled out a framed photo that was sitting on top of a leather notebook. Holding it up, I said, “I don’t even remember who took this. I think one of my sisters. It was one of those perfect

days. Days you think about all the time.” I gazed at the goofy girl who was smiling wide and putting bunny ears behind my head. My smile was less pronounced, but you could still see the joy in my eyes. The bed dipped as Ellie sat down next to me. I noticed she sat far enough away so we wouldn’t accidentally touch, but close enough that I could reach over and pull her closer. “Who is she?” I stroked the glass. “Her name’s Taylor. Rebecca is her mother. We were sixteen when this was taken. She had just gotten dumped by her boyfriend.” I laughed but there was nothing funny about it. “No, that’s not the right term. I don’t think there is one that doesn’t involve heavy profanity. The guy she gave her virginity to publicly rejected her.” We weren’t touching, but I saw Ellie solidify out of the corner of my eye. “When I met her, I knew she was just like me. We connected from the beginning. I caught her being bullied in the hallway. She became my best friend. My only friend.” I took a deep breath before releasing the next words. “And she died. On this day eight years ago.” “I’m so sorry,” I heard Ellie whisper. “I can’t even imagine…” She waited, clearly knowing that there was more to it. I didn’t know how I’d say it though. I

was surprised I was able to get those few words out. It felt like the time had come to finally tell our deepest fears. Our worst memories. Only when Ellie moved closer and covered her hand with mine, did I find the courage to tell her… I took off down my driveway, the December wind stinging my skin. I was riding my bike onehanded, balancing a surprise for Taylor between my other arm and my hip. She’d been feeling down the past few months ever since that douche tricked her into sleeping with him. We’d only had one good day since then. But this was sure to lift her up. Reaching her house, I wheeled my bike to the side and rested it against the shed. Her father was pulling into the driveway. “Hi, Grayson.” “Hello, sir.” He grinned and shook his head, just like he did every time I called him “sir.” He unlocked the door and held it open for me. Taylor’s mother smiled at me from her place in front of the kitchen sink. “She’s upstairs.” With a nod, I bounded up the steps, skipping every other one. I came to an abrupt stop in front of her door and quickly knocked. I heard nothing

on the other side, just the soft notes of one of her favorite songs. “Taylor,” I said as I knocked again. Figuring she must have fallen asleep, I opened the door a crack. Sure enough, her eyes were closed as she rested. I walked in and quietly shut the door. After setting her gift on her dresser, I walked toward her. “Hey,” I whispered, lightly nudging her shoulder. She didn’t react. My hands found her shoulders and I began to shake her. She hated being woken up that way and usually sat up instantly. My lips pulled down into a frown. I looked at her nightstand and froze. There was a pill bottle and a few letters sitting next to it. And somehow I just knew. My stare quickly went back to her. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was relaxed. Looking down at her chest, I waited for the breath I already knew wasn’t coming. “Taylor!” I finally screamed. “Taylor.” I shook her harder, the empty pill bottle taunting me from the corner of my eye. “Taylor.” My voice shook along with her body. A second later her door flew open and her parents raced in. Taylor’s mom started crying as they put the pieces together. “Call 911!” her dad yelled. Taylor’s mom grabbed a phone and started talking. I didn’t hear

the words; I just focused on my best friend and her father’s attempts to save her. She looked so peaceful. Death shouldn’t be allowed to look that way. The rest happened in a blur. Police and an ambulance came. Time of death called. A body bag. Questions. Tears. Questions. Tears. God, so many fucking questions. So many tears. “Did she say anything to you?” her mother finally asked me. I shook my head. “A couple weeks ago she asked me what I thought dying would be like. It was a little strange, but you know Taylor… she asked weird and random questions all the time. And then this past week she seemed back to normal, she even gave me—” Taylor had given me one of her favorite leather journals. It was empty, but she’d said she had plenty and wanted me to have it. “I didn’t think…” I whispered, feeling sick to my stomach. Those were signs, weren’t they? I was her best friend. I should have known… “You can’t think that way,” her dad interjected,

making me realize I said all of that out loud. “She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.” “Aren’t you?” I snapped back, the pain welling into anger. His jaw hardened and his eyes became wet. “Fuck,” I muttered, dropping my head into my hands. What was it about pain that made us want to toss it at someone else? Did we want them to understand what we were going through? To take it away? To share it? Or did we just want someone else to hurt the way we were? “I’m sorry.” My hands grew wet under my tears. “I’m so sorry.” I didn’t know whether I was apologizing for the words I’d said in anger. The fact their daughter was dead. Or that I was responsible. I just knew I was sorry. I just knew life would never be the same. Later that day, as my parents talked to Taylor’s, their worried stares adding insult to injury, I escaped upstairs. Into her room. My eyes drifted to her corkboard, littered with photos of us. One I recalled immediately. It was two falls ago. She’d made a bucket list of all these things she wanted to do that season. We crossed off half of them that day. Taylor said it was perfect. The picture was taken at a fair outside of town. I let myself look at everything, feel everything. I picked up one of her homework assignments

off her desk. It was for her literature class. I looked at the digital camera/video duo next to the paper and wondered if she’d completed what the teacher had asked. It looked like she had to take one of the themes from a recently read book and comment on it. She’d scribbled “what makes a hero” at the top. Opening the side panel so I could see the screen, I pressed play. Her bright smile lit up the screen. “Hi there.” She waved. ”Family is important. They’re the foundation of a person, but people seriously underestimate the power of a best friend. It’s such a great feeling to know this person picked you over everyone else. That they like you even though you have a ton of flaws. That they’re not required to love you like your family does, but they do anyway. I’m lucky enough to have both.” Her eyes dimmed, some of the sadness I’d missed in the past few months coming through. “I think these people are the real heroes. They aren’t the teacher who stops you from being picked on, or the cop that saves your life, but they’re there for you in the aftermath. Physically saving someone is easy, well most of the time.” Taylor smiled and shook her head. “But all the demons that come after, the ones no one can see but your loved ones, those are harder to fight. Heroes mean lots of things to lots

of different people, but I don’t know… to me I think a hero is someone who loves you and refuses to stop. Even when you make it difficult.” She stood up and moved around the camera, presumably to shut it off, when she quickly skipped back over, bending down until her head was in the frame again. “Oh, and I know this isn’t part of the assignment, but my hero is my best friend. Grayson Mable.” I squeezed my eyes shut, tears immediately leaking out the sides. Taylor’s wide, trusting smile was the last thing I saw before I heard the recording end. I’d never stopped loving her, but I failed her all the same. My love did nothing for her. I tossed the camera on her bed and sank to the ground, my head flopping into my hands. “I’m sorry,” I whispered to the empty room seconds before I started crying. She was wrong. I was no hero.

I sat very still as he finished his story. It looked as though one simple touch would break him.

“So you see, I’m not a hero, Ellie. I can help others. I can be methodical. I can keep my emotions out of it and think straight. But once everything else gets in, once feelings happen… I’m no good for anyone I”—he stopped and cleared his throat—“care about.” He closed his eyes as I started smoothing his hair back, my other hand still holding his. “I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t help her.” His voice cracked on the last word. My heart twisted when he turned my way, looking agonized, and whispered, “That guy she slept with… he did it for a bet. He recorded the two of them and shared it with the girls who picked on Taylor. They harassed her in the locker room. Making fun of how she looked. How she sounded. Telling her no one would ever want her. She never told me any of it. She walked out of gym every day, sat down at lunch with a smile. Like she hadn’t been humiliated.” He shook his head. “Ellie… I should have seen her pain. At the very least I should have listened those last few weeks.” “Some people are good at hiding it,” I whispered. I thought about all Naomi had told me about her best friend, Alara. She suffered from clinical depression and I remembered her saying the lie of being “okay” was like a second set of skin, one she felt as comfortable in as her own. “And you were just a kid yourself—how were

you supposed to know?” My words had no effect on him, so I tried something else. “Maybe you did save her.” Now he stared at me in disbelief, and I could hardly breathe at the sight of his pain. There was so much raw emotion on his face, more than I’d ever seen. I squeezed his hand. “Just listen. What if, in another life, she hadn’t met you and she ended her life a year sooner? Or right after everything happened? Or even that day in the hall? Maybe you gave her a reason to hold on a little longer. A person can’t be saved forever.” I could tell he was fighting to believe me. “Sometimes I wonder if she thinks I failed her.” “Did you ever read her letter? I’m assuming one of them was for you.” He nodded. “Yeah. But no, I’ve never read mine. Not after that video.” Then I watched as he broke. Unapologetic tears streamed down his face. I immediately tucked his head under my chin, against my shoulder. I felt moisture seep through my shirt and I held him as he cried.

We were lying on his bed. Both on our sides, facing

one another without touching. His tears had dried but he didn’t attempt to hide his grief. We hadn’t said anything in over thirty minutes. I had been unsure when I’d first come over. Things were still a little weird since he’d forgotten our date—that wasn’t actually a date—and I’d discovered Damien had asked Grayson to watch over me. I wasn’t angry, but residual tension lingered. It didn’t help when he’d started pulling away. I’d been grateful when he’d answered the door earlier, but the relief I felt at finally seeing him disappeared when I really looked at him. He’d had bags under his eyes like he hadn’t slept well in the week since I’d seen him. And there was a general sadness around him, seeping from every pore and weighing him down. My heart was broken from his story. But I couldn’t help but think a tiny fraction of it belonged to my pain. I shouldn’t have felt that way. I shouldn’t be jealous of someone who was bullied… tortured… who saw suicide as her only escape. I felt sick and selfish even thinking about it. “What?” he asked, his voice raw from all the crying. “It’s nothing.” I shook my head, looking anywhere but at him. There was no way I was telling him about my insecurities. I was ashamed I even had them.

“Tell me something that hurts,” he whispered, and my eyes snapped back to his. I suddenly felt like an idiot. All the stories we told. All the pain we shared. This was his big one, his deepest hurt. And what was mine? He probably thought I was so stupid. So my parents ignored me, so my peers ignored me, so I was forgotten. He would have given anything for him and Taylor to be flies on the wall, to be left alone. And here I was, taking my invisibility for granted. “There’s… I have nothing like that.” He assessed me again. “This isn’t a contest. What was it you said? That broken things can be fixed and forgotten things don’t stand a chance. Your pain is no less important than mine. Please tell me.” I looked away again, my hand drawing designs on his sheets. “One time I was low, maybe the lowest I’ve ever been. I was drunk, lying on a dirty bathroom floor, puking my guts out. It was only a couple months before I got pregnant. Damien found me that way. I don’t know how he knew where I was, but he grabbed my arm, pulled me up, and carried me out of there.” I paused, my eyes glazing over with the memory. “Most of it’s foggy, like whenever I drank. But I remember those few minutes perfectly. I was leaning against his chest, one arm wrapped loosely around his neck, eyes drooping as I stared up at

him. He looked… concerned. Scared. Like I was slipping away from him. I suppose I was. I mumbled, ‘save me,’ and he immediately changed. Determined. Focused. He picked up his pace and said, ‘always,’ before taking me home and making me better. He put me in AA after that. It didn’t stick, obviously. But I think that was the beginning of me realizing I needed help. It’s what made getting sober a bit easier when I found out about Andy.” Grayson reached over and covered my hand, stopping its movement. I couldn’t look at him when I admitted this next part. “I still don’t know what I wanted him to save me from.” He started brushing his thumb across my knuckles. “Save me from death, or from life.” Now I was crying. “It’s scary what loneliness can do to a person.” “You’re not alone anymore, Ellie.” He shifted closer, his hand moving to my hip as he pulled me to him. I still couldn’t meet his eyes. The emotion in his words was almost my undoing. His breath was hitting my lips and I was surrounded by his scent. But I couldn’t relish in any of it. There was too much grief around us. “Why do you have a hard time believing someone could want you? Could love you?” He sounded tortured by the idea. “Because there are two people who are

biologically programmed to love me, and they couldn’t,” I admitted, even though it killed me. Grayson had given me everything he had. It was only fair I do the same. Finally I glanced up at him. “Why would anyone else? And when you grow up with your mother telling you that no one will be honest with you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings, how do you trust anything anyone says?” He looked at me like I was breaking his heart. And I couldn’t even focus on how hysterical and gross I probably looked because just as he had earlier, I was collapsing under the weight of my exposed pain. “I want to look at myself and see someone lovable. I don’t though. All I think is that people pity me or simply tolerate me. Like Naomi—would she want to be in my life if it weren’t for Damien? Would Joy be my friend if she wasn’t supposed to be? Do you really want to be here? It’s all I think about. Because I had tried… I’d t-tried so h-hard to make people see me. But I think there are some ppeople that, no m-matter how hard they try, they just can’t be seen. And I’m one of them.” I couldn’t continue. Sobs wracked my body, stealing my breath and making conversation impossible. Grayson easily pulled me against him, our bodies completely flush, and let me cry into his chest.

“You’re not,” he whispered harshly, reaching my ears over my cries. “I see you, Ellie. I see you.”

THERE

freeing about crying. Ever since Ellie and I had cried in each other’s arms two weeks ago, things had been different… better. We understood each other in ways we hadn’t before. The pain was still there. But sharing it with someone else lessened the load. Something we both needed. I felt especially light today. It was Christmas, and I did more than consider Ellie’s words from weeks back, when she told me to get a tree and seek out my family. I acted. To say my mom was shocked when I called was an understatement. To say her surprise made me feel like complete shit was a bigger understatement. I asked her if I could spend Christmas morning with them. She yelled at me for a solid five minutes for asking such a dumb question. I’d forgotten how much I missed her—even her scolding. When Christmas finally arrived, I didn’t stay long. I watched my nieces open presents before we WAS SOMETHING ODDLY

all had brunch, and then I told them I needed to leave. They were disappointed, and that was the last thing I wanted. But I felt overwhelmed. As pathetic as it was, it had been a big step for me. My mother must have known—when doesn’t a mother know? —because she stopped me on the way out. “Thank you for coming today.” She wrapped me in one of her warm hugs that always made things better. I sighed and buried my face in her neck while she stroked the back of my head, like she’d done when I was a child. “I know it couldn’t have been easy, and we all appreciate the effort.” “Of course,” I choked out. When she pulled back her face was stern. “We do what we can when we can. Don’t live by anyone’s pace except your own. I’ve missed you —and I’m so glad you came today.” “I miss you too, Mom.” The words were soft and her eyes filled with tears. “I know. Oh! I almost forgot,” she said before quickly jogging out of sight toward the kitchen. She returned with a Tupperware container. Despite the frosted display, I could make out two red cupcakes inside. My lips pulled up into a smile. “I had a feeling you might not stay, so here’s dessert, and I included an extra one for your friend.” Her entire face lit up. Seriously. We could have thrown some green on her and made her the

Christmas tree. I smiled and shook my head. “Thanks, Mom.” I didn’t elaborate and she didn’t ask. We both knew. Since I’d needed my older sister’s help with Ellie’s Christmas gift, there was a high likelihood that the rest of the family—or at least Mom—knew about my new friendship. But she didn’t tease me, she simply kissed me on the cheek, told me to come back soon, and watched me leave.

It was two o’clock in the afternoon on Christmas, and I was stopping by like I had a right to be there. Seeing my family made me want to see all the most important people in my life, and that definitely included Ellie and Andy. After walking up the steps, I set the presents on the bench next to the front door. I hesitated for only a second before knocking. Ellie and I were in a really good place, I just didn’t know what she’d think about me dropping by unannounced. The front door flew open and Ellie immediately greeted me with a warm smile. “Hey.” She seemed pleased, which should have made any residual

tension leave my body. But I was starting to realize that I would always feel this way around her. There wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t crave this woman. My hands were constantly itching to touch her, my lips begged me to weave my fingers through her hair and pull her mouth to mine, and my cock— No. Nope. Not going there. How she managed to entice me this way, especially when she had antlers on her head, was beyond me. My lips twitched when she realized what I was staring at. She reached up and quickly whipped the headband off before tossing it inside, her cheeks turning as red as her shirt. “It was for Andy. He really liked them…” “I figured.” For a second we stared at one another. The air between us felt charged, poised for something neither of us were acting on. It was like this every time we saw one another lately, and it was only a matter of time before we were sucked in, powerless to stop the collision. I didn’t want to stop it; I wanted to fall into it. Ellie cleared her throat and waved me inside. But when I saw the other people I quickly shook my head. “I can’t stay long.” Spending time with Ellie and Andy sounded perfect, just not with an audience.

“Okay.” She didn’t pressure me. She hollered to Damien that she’d be right back before stepping onto the porch with me. Her brother’s eyes connected with mine, and he nodded as Ellie closed the door. Even though it was Christmas, being in Arizona meant the temperature wasn’t unbearable, so I didn’t feel bad about asking her to step outside. She was wearing black tights and a baggy red sweater with a reindeer on it. “No special Christmas socks?” I asked. Ellie blushed and crossed her arms over her chest. “I have a pair for later,” she mumbled. “I wish I could see them.” My voice came out more wistful than I was expecting. When she looked up with parted lips, I gestured to the gifts. “I brought you something.” “You got me a Christmas present?” I hated how surprised she sounded, like she wasn’t used to getting them. Nodding, I grabbed the green rectangular box and handed it to her. Ellie took it with an excited grin on her face. She slowly unwrapped the paper and lifted the lid. With one last peek up at me, she removed the tissue paper, revealing a pair of thighhigh socks. I watched her run her fingers over the patterns. They were dark gray with various superhero logos: Captain America’s shield, Thor’s hammer,

Iron Man’s mask, and a few others. I didn’t know what they all were. After searching online and realizing there wasn’t a large market in woman’s apparel for superhero thigh-high socks, I called my sister. I’d never asked her to design anything. When I asked her to create thigh-highs with Ellie’s favorite superheroes, The Avengers, she was glad to. Excited to. And with only a minimal amount of teasing at my expense. It had felt good. Normal. It, just like lunch today, made me wonder why I’d ever thought isolating myself was a good idea. “How…?” She shook her head. “I’ve never seen these before.” Shrugging my shoulders, I answered, “I had my sister make them.” Ellie’s head snapped up and her eyes bulged. “Really?” “Yeah.” “Grayson… these are… I love them!” she exclaimed with a large smile. She spun around, quickly depositing them on the bench, before turning back toward me and throwing herself in my arms. I froze, my arms limp by my side for a couple of seconds. Then I easily wrapped them around her and pulled her closer to my chest. We’d hugged before, of course. But now she was practically plastered to me, and it felt perfect.

Right. My body molded around her tiny frame, like that’s what it was meant for. This certainly didn’t help my raging hormones, though. Almost like they had a mind of their own, my fingers skated down her spine. Ellie shivered as my hands settled against the small of her back. Could she feel my restraint? How it took everything in me not to shift my palms a couple inches lower? I looked above their front door, mentally counting the tiles in an effort not to do anything wildly inappropriate. We stayed that way for several minutes, and when we finally pulled away, I didn’t let her go far. Our noses were only a few inches apart, and her breath smelled of peppermint as it ghosted over my face. My gaze was trained on her lips, lips I’d imagined tasting hundreds of times in the last few weeks. “Grayson?” she whispered. I lifted my eyes to hers, a question and an answer lingering in their hazel depths. I moved forward, painfully slow, and right before our lips met, boisterous laughter from inside jolted me, breaking us apart. Ellie’s arms unwound and I was forced to let her go. She stepped back, her cheeks flaming. Then she tucked a long blonde strand of hair behind her ear. I hated that the ground had her eyes instead of me. I cleared my throat, turned to the bench, and

picked up the other box, this one square and wrapped in red. “This is for Andy.” She teared up again. “You got him something?” Nodding, I held it out. “Let me know how he likes it,” I said, preparing to step away. I needed to get out of here. My self-control was dangerously low. “Nonsense.” Ellie waved her hand at me, backing up and grabbing the knob. “I’ll go get him so you can see for yourself.” Before I could protest, she disappeared inside. I rocked on my heels and burrowed one hand in my pocket while lamely holding the box. Less than a minute later she came back out, with a huge smile and bright eyes. Her son looked exactly the same. His wide eyes took in the surroundings as he kicked his chubby legs with glee. I grinned at his outfit, not the least bit surprised that Ellie dressed Andy in a reindeer onesie, complete with antlers on the hood. “It’s nothing special.” She gave me a look as she sat down next to her gift and patted the spot on the other side of her. I hesitated. Did she have any idea what she did to me? Probably not considering most of the people in her life made her feel like a burden, if they bothered to notice her at all. With a strained sigh, I walked over and took a seat.

“Will you open it?” she asked, bouncing Andy on her lap. I gave her a quick jerk of my head before peeling back the paper and removing the lid. Andy started clapping when I pulled out the stuffed animal. “Look!” Ellie exclaimed in a high-pitched voice. Andy stared at his mom with wide, trusting eyes. “It’s a lion. A big, strong, brave lion.” He started laughing and reached for the animal —his mother’s spirit was contagious. As soon as he had it, he smashed it to his chest and stuck part of the mane in his mouth. “It was mine,” I told Ellie. “What?” She looked up from her son to me. Whatever moment we’d been in the process of creating seemed to have completely vanished for her. I couldn’t begrudge her for that; it was beautiful to watch Ellie and Andy together. For a woman who constantly doubted herself, and her role as a mother, I couldn’t imagine anyone more perfect. She may not have done everything right. But she did the most important thing: she loved her son more than anything. “The lion,” I said. “It was mine when I was a kid. Actually it’s the second one. I pretty much destroyed the first.” I laughed, thinking about how I’d dragged it everywhere. “The first one I abused so much my parents had to throw it out, and I cried because it had been my favorite. So when they

bought me a new one I became paranoid about keeping it clean and intact. It mainly sat on a shelf, so you don’t have to worry about germs or anything.” I paused as something occurred to me. “Of course, if you’d prefer a completely new toy, I can get him one. I didn’t think of that. I wasn’t trying to be cheap—” “I know,” she cut me off. “And no, this is perfect. He loves it.” Andy pulled the lion away, spit dribbling down his chin, and she chuckled. “I think he’s going to repeat your torture.” She bounced her son for a few more moments before she cast her eyes to the ground with a frown on her face. My lips immediately followed. “What’s wrong?” I asked. My hand formed a fist on my thigh, trying to prevent myself from reaching out and touching her. She gave me a sad smile when she lifted her head and looked at me. “I don’t have anything for you,” she said softly, sounding embarrassed. Was that all? “Ellie,” I said with a chuckle. That was the furthest thing from my mind. “Don’t worry about it. I wasn’t expecting anything.” I thought the words would wipe away her sadness, but they seemed to do the opposite. To my horror, her eyes glassed. “You expected me not to get anything for you?” “No. I mean… I didn’t mean it like that. I

meant I don’t need anything.” I thought about what she’d said her mother called her. Selfish. Inconsiderate. “Ellie. You have a baby. Did you get him something?” “A learning gym and a matching quilt,” she answered with a grin. Her son never failed to put a smile on her face. “I can’t wait to see him use it.” “Exactly. You’re not inconsiderate. You’ve been focusing on Andy, as you should be. He’s the most important thing.” Her eyes lifted to mine. “You’re important, too,” Ellie whispered. “You’ve helped me so much and I appreciate it. I don’t want you to think I don’t. I started searching for a gift. Nothing seemed right though, and before I knew it, it was Christmas.” “You want to give me something?” She nodded quickly. “Yes. You name it and I’ll get it.” I smiled, thinking about the one thing I really wanted. “Ellie, I have everything I want.” “Really?” I looked her over. “Well… almost,” I said softly. Ellie swallowed nervously before deflating a bit. “I want to get you something, Grayson. Something useful or important or meaningful.”

I knew she might not read between the lines of what I was about to say. Or, more accurately, I knew she wouldn’t let herself believe it, but I couldn’t keep lying. I gently put my hand on her knee to steady it. “Ellie. You’re all those things. You’re important. You mean something. And you’re what I want.” I swallowed, my Adam’s apple bobbing. “More than anything.” She blushed and her eyes widened. “I…” “You don’t have to say anything. But it was time I said it out loud.” I stood up. Andy was still babbling with the lion pressed to his chest. Now he was pulling on the mane and beating his fists against it. Ellie cleared her throat and lifted herself off the bench, moving her son to her hip. “Where are you going?” “I’m heading home.” She frowned. “No one should be alone on Christmas. You could stay. No one would mind.” “I wasn’t alone. I went to my parents’ place this morning.” “You did?” she asked with raised eyebrows. “Yeah, and this has been the best Christmas I’ve had in eight years.” I gazed down at her. “Because of you.” Placing my hand on Andy’s back, I said, “C’ya later, buddy,” before turning around and walking down the steps. When I reached the bottom, I

looked back at his mother. “Merry Christmas, Ellie.” Her smile matched mine. “Merry Christmas, Grayson,” she whispered back.

I stepped back inside and leaned against the door, listening to Grayson’s footsteps fade before hearing his car start and drive away. The longer I stood there, and the farther away he got, the more unsettled I became. Things had felt perfect with Grayson here. I glanced into the living room at the people we had over. Besides Damien and Naomi, there was Derek, Naomi’s mother, Julie, and her mother’s boyfriend, Mark. We’d invited Naomi’s other close friends, but they were spending the holiday elsewhere. Damien caught my eyes and smiled. I nodded for him to follow me into the kitchen. I set Andy in his high chair and turned around to find my brother frowning. “Is everything okay?” he asked. “Yeah. Grayson’s going home. Alone.” “He’s not spending Christmas with his family?” I shook my head. “He’s not very close to them

anymore.” “Anymore?” “It’s a long story.” I hesitated to voice my reason for asking him in here. Taking a deep breath, I admitted, “I want to take Andy over there and hang out for a bit. I figured it would give you and Naomi some alone time once her family left.” Damien nodded. “Okay. Let me know when you’re ready and I’ll walk you out.” “You don’t think it’s weird, right?” Before he could answer, I added, “You don’t think Grayson will think it’s weird?” My brother smiled and came over to wrap his arm around my shoulder. Pulling me close, he kissed the side of my head. “No, I don’t. I think he’ll probably love it.” I stood up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “Thanks, D.” “Anytime, Ells.” I was at Grayson’s house within an hour. Andy was buckled in the backseat with his new learning gym on the seat next to him. Once I parked the car and got out, I saw him still holding Grayson’s gift. I couldn’t carry it all in with me, plus I wasn’t entirely sure he’d want us to stay. But I had hope that his declaration from earlier meant he wouldn’t mind. Maybe he would even be happy. No, he would be. I needed to stop second-guessing everything, especially when he implied he was

interested in more than friendship. With Andy perched on my hip, his head resting against my shoulder, I walked up to the house and knocked. The door swung open a minute later. Grayson’s surprised gaze moved from me to my son and then to Damien’s car on the street. “Hey?” He tilted his head. “Hi.” I spoke softly so I wouldn’t disturb Andy. “Is everything okay?” “Yeah. We were hoping you’d let us keep you company.” I rested my head against Andy’s and batted my eyelashes. Grayson laughed, and all his confusion was replaced with overwhelming happiness. It seemed to radiate out of him. His eyes shone a little brighter, his smile spread a little wider, and his whole body relaxed. Even more so when he saw the lion in my son’s grip. “I’d be a fool to pass up on that offer.” He held the door open and stepped back. Once I crossed the threshold I held up Damien’s keys. “I left his diaper bag and new toy in the backseat.” “I’ll grab them,” he said without pause. Our fingers brushed as he took the keys from me. I felt the effects all the way up my arm. I was still shivering when he came back carrying everything. After he shut and locked the door, we walked into his living room. Grayson deposited the things in his arms on the couch and pushed his coffee

table against the wall. Andy started wiggling, so I laid the quilt on the carpet before setting him down. I looked left and stopped short. In the corner sat a small Christmas tree. Everything about it was simple, with just a string of white lights and a gold star on top. “You got a tree?” I asked, spinning around with a big smile. Grayson was sitting on the floor, opening Andy’s present. He shrugged as he took everything out and set the instructions on his lap. “You can be pretty convincing.” “I mentioned it once, offhandedly. If you want to talk about someone being convincing, that’s Naomi.” “I don’t mean you’re forceful about it. I mean if you say you want something, even once, I’d try like hell to give it to you.” He was focused on his task, setting up the learning gym. Nothing about his posture said he was uncomfortable with what he said. In fact, he hardly seemed aware of how sweet it was. He didn’t know how sweet he was. “Today was the first time I watched my nieces open presents on Christmas morning.” His voice softened and his eyes dimmed. “How old are they?” I lowered myself to the ground. “Four and three.” “They probably couldn’t do much up until now.”

My attempts at making him feel better were unsuccessful. Grayson shook his head. “I still should have been there.” It took every ounce of bravery I possessed to reach forward and wrap my hand around his. “You were there today. Don’t dwell on what you can’t change.” His fingers weaved through mine and squeezed. Every part of me solidified. Air was trapped in my lungs. My heart was suspended between beats. And my wide, unblinking eyes were glued to our joined hands. After what seemed like an eternity Grayson’s thumb gently swept over my knuckles. I was working up the courage to return the sentiment when Andy started babbling and lifting his arms. Only then did we break apart. I kept my gaze lowered. There was no way I could look at him right now. He’d see everything I was feeling. Turning toward Andy, I ran my fingers over his stomach. My smile widened as his giggles filled the room. “I read he should be starting to understand peekaboo soon.” I’d started checking a few websites to make sure he was hitting all his important milestones. I was also attempting to begin early on a few of them. Covering my eyes with both hands, I listened for his reaction. After a few seconds I pulled them

away and softly yelled, “Boo!” Andy immediately erupted in giggles. My lingering nerves slowly faded while I watched him laugh and wave his limbs around. But my thoughts never strayed too far from the man only a few feet away. Despite my head’s stubborn insistence that Grayson was a friend, my heart knew better. It had become a rowdy thing, demanding my attention every chance it got. So I knew where my true feelings lay. Between being a new mother, trying to stay sober, and just generally getting my life together, I knew this was no time for a new relationship. Still, the heart never really cared about all that other stuff. It didn’t care whether you were in a healthy place. It didn’t ask if you were ready for it. It didn’t sit and wait until you felt in control. It didn’t even matter if the other person returned your feelings. No. The heart bulldozed its way through your life, forcing you to feel its desperate beats. And I felt it.

After Grayson and I spent the afternoon wearing Andy out, we settled on the couch to watch TV. I was going to let Andy sleep in his car seat, but Grayson picked him up and laid him against his chest, slowly rubbing his back as he drifted off to sleep, before I could say anything. “I’ll be right back,” he whispered, still cradling my son in his arms. When he came back he was carrying a plate that held two cupcakes. He set it on the table and sat on the edge of the couch. “Red velvet?” He nodded. “They’re my favorite. Not cake, just cupcakes. It’s the strangest thing. My mom has perfected her recipe. She leaves one for me on every holiday I’m not with them.” I scooted forward until my butt was on the edge too. “Are you glad you went today?” “Yeah.” His voice held conviction but his body said something different. “I’ve wasted so much time. The reason I pulled away from them, the reason I pulled away from everyone… it should have taught me how precious time is, and I’ve just been throwing it away.” “But you’re trying now,” I said softly, repeating my sentiments from earlier. “Because of you.” Grayson turned to look at me. He shook his head, and I watched his gaze fall to my lips. “You’re completely changing my life, and I don’t think you have a clue.”

Tears pricked my eyes. I’d never felt like I changed someone’s life before, at least not for the better. I’d always felt like a burden, dragging people down instead of lifting them up. “I wish you saw yourself like I do.” “Me too,” I admitted. “You will. One day, I promise you will.” When the weight of his stare felt like a physical boulder on my sternum, I leaned forward and grabbed the cupcake, slowly peeling the paper back and taking a bite. We ate in silence, our stares constantly connecting and our smiles growing wider each time. Once we finished he said, “Do you want to take a walk? We still have about thirty minutes of daylight, and there’s a park close by.” He didn’t need to convince me. I reached for the remote and shut off the TV. With a grin, I nodded and stood up. He followed, and when I reached for Andy he held him a little closer. “I’ve got him.” “Okay. I’m gonna go to the bathroom before we leave.” Grayson nodded. “I’ll meet you by the front door.” A few minutes later I found them waiting for me. Andy was bundled up but still asleep. I slipped my boots on and grabbed my jacket. Next thing I knew Grayson was beside me, taking the jacket

from my hands and moving behind me to help me into it. His hands lingered on my shoulders, and even through the thick material he managed to elicit a shudder. I let out a controlled breath when he opened the front door and wheeled Andy out. Stepping out, I stood by the stroller while he locked up. We were silent as we slowly walked down the sidewalk. Grayson was pushing Andy and I had my hands shoved in my pockets. It wasn’t completely dark yet, but the sunset provided enough of a backdrop for most of the houses’ Christmas lights to be on. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect Christmas. Until we stepped into the park. “Wow,” I whispered. Grayson looked over at me and smiled. “Yeah. I love coming here any time of year, but in December it feels sort of… magical.” I grinned. “Did Grayson Mable just admit to believing in magic?” He shook his head and laughed. I wanted to say more, but I was too enchanted by the sight before me. There were wreaths attached to every light post, and white lights scattered amongst the trees. In the center stood a tan gazebo adorned with red and green lights.

Without a word, Grayson placed his hand on the small of my back and led us to it. Andy woke up on our trek over, so we had to stop to calm him down. Once he was pacified, I put him back down. He hugged his blanket and stared up at the sky. We got to the gazebo and Grayson lifted the stroller up the three stairs, setting it in the center. I started walking in a circle, running my hand along the cool wood of the banister. “I know I was making fun of you, but you’re right. It’s kind of magical.” I turned around and smiled at him, leaning against the railing with my hands tucked behind my back. My gaze lifted, and I found a mistletoe hanging above him. “I didn’t know people actually put these up.” I laughed. Leaning over Andy, I whispered, “I heard it’s bad luck not to kiss under one.” He giggled as I picked him up and smacked kisses all over his face. Once I was done, I set him back in his stroller and grabbed his lion from the back pocket. My son was still laughing as he repeatedly pushed the stuffed animal to his lips, almost like he was trying to kiss the lion the way I’d kissed him. “That so?” Grayson asked. My head snapped up. He wore an expression I couldn’t quite decipher. “Huh?” He chuckled, but it sounded choked. “Is it bad luck not to kiss under one?”

“Oh.” I swallowed. “I have no clue. Probably not.” “Hmmm…” He stepped toward me and ran a hand along his jaw. “We probably shouldn’t risk it.” “Oh?” I repeated dumbly. His body crowded mine and I looked up at the mistletoe. I couldn’t concentrate with him this close. “Ellie?” he whispered. My eyes moved back to his, and this time his expression was completely clear. It was filled with affection and desire. My breathing picked up as I waited for him to continue. “Can I kiss you?” I could do nothing except nod—he’d stolen all the brain cells that were responsible for anything else. Grayson’s hands cupped my face, his thumbs reverently running over my cheeks. Then his eyes closed and he pulled me closer. Mine stayed wide and unblinking. Is this really happening? Only when our lips met did my eyes fall shut. The kiss was gentle. No tongues, no heated need. And I could have cried with how perfect it was. All the first kisses from my past were born of loneliness and despair, and all they led to was momentary pleasure that anyone could have given. The who didn’t matter. Nothing did, other than the need to forget. Right now I knew exactly who was kissing me. And Grayson knew exactly who he was kissing. He

knew what I’d been through, and what I needed. He knew I wanted to feel special first, and desired second. Grayson pulled back slightly only to press another kiss against my mouth. Then he tilted his head and ran his tongue along the seam of my lips. I tentatively opened, and when our tongues tangled, I had to grab on to his waist to keep from falling. A few seconds later he pulled back. My eyes slowly opened as his touch fell away. Grayson’s jawline was hard and his hands were curled into fists at his sides. “We should get back. It’ll be dark soon.” The words were low and deep. He sounded like a man who was being tortured. I shivered, but it had nothing to do with the cold. Grayson grabbed Andy’s stroller and lifted it down the steps before aiming it in the direction of his house. I slowly followed behind. We continued that way all the way to his house. After we stepped inside and hung up our coats and scarves, he pointed to the kitchen. “I’m going to make us dinner.” Okay, so we aren’t going to talk about the kiss then? The prospect freaked me out. What had it meant to him? Did it not mean the same as it did to me? A part of me wondered if I’d imagined the

whole thing. Then I felt my lips tingle, and knew I hadn’t. I’d just moved to take Andy into the living room to play when Grayson called out. “Ellie?” Trying to keep my face neutral, I turned and faced him, and any doubts I had disappeared at the look on his face. “That was the best Christmas present anyone’s ever given me.”

TONIGHT WE WERE FINALLY having our first date. It’d been almost three weeks since we’d kissed on Christmas, so this was three weeks overdue, but between my work schedule and the fact that Andy had gotten sick at the start of the new year, there hadn’t been time. I had just finished putting the chicken in the oven when the doorbell rang. Barefoot, I padded to the front door and immediately pulled it open to reveal a smiling Ellie holding Andy’s car seat. Stepping forward, I grabbed it from her and kissed her on the cheek. Damien and Naomi were going out to dinner, so they’d offered to drop Ellie off on the way. I told him I had no problem picking her up, but I was guessing I’d lost that right in his eyes. If this was his way to make me feel shitty for what happened a couple months ago… it worked. Not that he needed to try or remind me. It made me sick to my stomach every time I thought about it.

“Hi,” she said. My gaze ran over her. She had on a simple light purple dress that hugged the curves of her breasts perfectly and stopped just above her knees. There was a bite to the January air, so she was also wearing a black coat. Nude flats covered her fidgeting feet. “Hey,” I finally replied, realizing she’d struck me mute. Opening the door a little wider, I stepped aside. As she crossed the threshold, I watched Damien pull away. Naomi had a wide grin on her face. Once I shut and locked the door, I stared down at Andy. He was sleeping with my lion. That never failed to put a smile on my face. Looking up, I found Ellie smiling down at her son as well. When she caught me, she blushed and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. “So what’s the plan? And why did you want me to bring Andy?” “I thought we could have dinner here.” Ellie’s head tilted toward the kitchen, like she’d just smelled the food. “I’m cooking baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and asparagus.” She looked back at me. “That sounds amazing.” “And as far as Andy goes… I’ll obviously want alone time with you. To take you out, just the two of us. But this is the beginning, and I need you to know, right now, at the very start, that it’s about both of you. You’re both important to me, and this

isn’t something casual. It seemed appropriate that he be here.” In the blink of an eye, Ellie was in front of me, standing on her tiptoes to give me a kiss on the corner of my mouth, just outside my lips. I swallowed roughly when she pulled back. She seemed just as nervous. A timer in the kitchen beeped, startling us both. “Why don’t you sit in the family room while I check on dinner?” I’d already started moving toward the couch. I set the car seat on the ground and turned to find Ellie hovering behind the couch. “I’ll be right back.” “Okay,” she said. My long strides brought me to the kitchen quickly. The chicken still had thirty minutes, and I wasn’t going to start the other two until the meat was almost done, that way everything would be hot. The timer was for the apple crisp. It had been on the top shelf of the oven for forty minutes and would need to cool. I grabbed a mitt before sliding the dessert out and setting it on the stove. After sprinkling some cinnamon on top, I made sure my shirt was clean and walked back out. Andy was where I’d left him, but Ellie had moved in front of a cabinet in the corner. Her fingers were ghosting over the pieces of my favorite black-and-white-marble chess set. It was a gift from my father when I graduated from the police

academy. I only kept it out for show. My dad and I played with a different one—the banged-up frosted board that was propped up a few feet away, the black bag next to it housing its pieces. “Have you ever played?” I found myself asking. She jumped back and her hazel eyes met mine. “Sorry… I…” Gently smiling, I stepped forward, keeping my voice low. “You don’t have to apologize.” She swallowed roughly and nodded. I repeated my question. “Do you play?” “No. I don’t even know the rules.” “I could teach you.” “Isn’t it a game for super smart people? That seems to be the stigma around it.” Ellie smiled, not bitter or self-reproaching, just… accepting. I walked by her and carefully picked up the frosted board along with the bag of pieces next to it, before bringing it to the coffee table. Slowly unzipping the bag, my gaze flew to hers. She was standing in the same spot, a small frown on her lips. I only looked down when I began setting it up. “Would you prefer to sit on the couch or the ottoman?” I asked, nodding toward the rectangular footstool across the room. “Uhhh… what are we doing?” “I’m going to teach you how to play,” I said, not taking my eyes off the board. “While I

personally don’t buy into the idea that certain people should do certain things. If you believe smart people play chess, then you should know how to play.” I lifted my head and found her eyes following the movements of my hands. “Because, Ellie”—I paused, waiting for her gaze to meet mine —“You. Are. Smart.” “The ottoman’s fine,” she said softly. I watched her pull it over and take a seat. “First we’ll go over the pieces. Chess is a game of strategy. It takes practice and patience to learn.” She nodded, her lip caught between her teeth and her brows dipped in serious concentration. My lips raised infinitesimally. I didn’t want her to think I was making fun of her, but she was too cute for her own good sometimes. Gesturing to the front row of eight, I began speaking. “These pieces are pawns. They can only move forward, one space at a time, except in the beginning when they can move two spaces. The pawn can only capture an enemy piece when it’s one square diagonally in front of it. It can be to the right or left.” “Okay. Got it.” “One more thing.” I held up a finger and her eyes met mine. “The pawn has one more ability. If it reaches any square on the back row of the opponent’s side, it gets upgraded. You can choose whether it becomes a queen, rook, bishop, or

knight.” Ellie sat up straighter. “That’s pretty cool.” I nodded before explaining the rest of the pieces. Ten minutes later as her gaze flitted over the board, I asked, “Does all that make sense?” “I think so.” She toyed with her king. “So this guy is kind of useless? And the queen is the most powerful piece?” “Technically speaking, yes. But I’ve never seen it that way. I don’t think about it in terms of power. People are so focused on the pieces they perceive to be the most important, and they don’t pay attention to the pawns. Not until it’s too late. Not until the pawns are close enough to becoming more.” Ellie’s eyes were locked on mine. I picked up a pawn. “People disregard this. They forget about it. But it’s just their own perception of what power is and who has it. The pawn can always become more, Ellie.” My words were soft by the end. Her eyes grew wet with an emotion I couldn’t quite catch. I wanted to ask her what it meant, but she cleared her throat and looked down at the board. “Okay, so who goes first?” I nodded to her. “You can.” She was hesitant. Her fingers hovered over the pawns like she wasn’t sure which one to pick. I tried to restrain my grin, I really did, but it was pointless. After she made her move, she looked up

and startled when she found me staring at her. Without taking my eyes off her, I moved one of my pawns forward. “This game will be practice. I’ll talk you through it, explain which moves would be best and why.” Ellie nodded and leaned closer, hovering over the board, eager to learn. And I was so confused why anyone would give up on her. Maybe her parents expected her to be perfect straight out of the womb, but I always appreciated attitude over skill. A person’s skill could be elevated and built on. But a poor attitude was harder—if not impossible—to change. Ellie’s attitude was great. She got confused a few times, but she didn’t stop asking questions and every time she bit her lip with indecision or furrowed her brows in concentration, I wanted to shove the chessboard out of the way. I imagined grabbing her by the cheeks and pulling her to me, smashing my lips against hers. I’d never felt so hormonal before. Thankfully the timer went off before I did exactly what I’d been thinking about. Ellie offered to put the game away while I finished with dinner. I smiled when I heard the sounds of Andy waking up and Ellie quietly singing to him. Then I turned around and stared at the table, which had three placemats and a high chair. I’d even gotten a small

bowl of flowers for the center. This was something I’d never thought I’d have. I may have only been twenty-five, turning twentysix in just over a month, but I’d resigned myself to a life of loneliness. It didn’t seem possible that I would meet someone I’d risk my carefully constructed life for. But for Ellie, I’d risk everything. It was like a punch to the gut, realizing how much I wanted this. Because it could just as easily be taken away. But for once, I was more excited than I was afraid. Taking a deep breath, I shook my head and went back to finishing dinner. Ellie came in a few minutes later. “I figured I’d just hold—” I looked up from setting the dishes on the table. “You got him a high chair?” she asked. Shrugging, I walked closer to them and took Andy from her arms before settling him in. “Yeah.” I came back and pulled out Ellie’s chair for her, but she was still frozen. “Thank you,” she whispered after she took a seat. I could tell the sentiment was for a lot more than pulling out her chair, or buying a high chair. I should have been the one thanking her. She was turning my world of gray bright with colors. Andy was filling my house of silence with infectious laughter. They were both bringing joy to a life of pain.

I’d just finished loading the dishwasher. The food was already put away and the rest of the kitchen was spotless. Ellie was in the front room playing with Andy. After shutting off the lights, I walked in and found him on his back while his mom rubbed his stomach. I slowly lowered myself to the ground next to them. Andy grabbed his feet and rolled toward me, giggling like I was exactly who he wanted to see. Ellie shifted onto her side, bending one arm and propping her head up to watch us. Andy settled on his stomach before he began wiggling around, grunting and slapping his hands on the blanket in frustration when he couldn’t right himself. “He has some trouble rolling over when he’s on his stomach,” Ellie explained. “It’s hard to watch him struggle, but he can’t learn if I always help him.” I nodded. Both of our eyes were on Andy while he shimmied back and forth. After a couple seconds he shoved himself up a bit and leaned enough to roll himself over, landing on his back

before me. He squealed, reaching his hands toward me and kicking his feet. “You did it, buddy!” I said, smiling down at him. I brought one of my hands to his side and gently tickled him. Sweet laughter filled my living room even as he tried to squirm away. Ellie was notably quiet. Looking up, I found her gaze soft on mine. “You’re so good with him.” “I learned from the best,” I said, staring intently at her so she knew what I meant. She rolled her eyes with a laugh and nodded, accepting the compliment. My hand was flat on his stomach now, slowly calming him down. It seemed to be working because a few minutes later his eyes were struggling to stay open. “Do you want to watch a movie?” I asked quietly. She lifted her eyes to mine. I loved the way she looked at me right after she’d been staring at him. There was so much love in her gaze that I could almost pretend it was for me. “Yeah,” she whispered back. I helped her stand and then picked him up before heading toward the hallway. “Where are you going?” she asked as she trailed behind me. Oh. Right. I hadn’t told her about the nursery. I never had the need to, just like with the high chair.

I kept walking, past my room and the guest bathroom. There were two more bedrooms in the back. One was my office, and the other I’d converted into a room for Andy. Pausing outside the closed door with my hand on the knob, I turned back to Ellie and said, “I set up a room for Andy.” I shrugged. “It’s not much.” Her jaw dropped as I pushed the door open. “I only got the basics. A crib, sheets and blankets, a few toys, a changing table, a night-light, a mobile…” I laughed, rubbing the back of my neck. “Maybe a little more than the basics.” “How long have you had this?” she asked softly. “I got it a couple weeks back.” Her hand rested on my forearm and I turned to look at her. “Why?” Her eyes were wide with shock. It was moments like this when I realized just how deepseated her insecurities were. Even after everything I’d said, after asking to kiss her, she was still surprised I wanted her here. “You’re my friend. I figured you’d bring him over at times. It made more sense to have things already here so you didn’t have to lug them back and forth.” “So this is all about practicality?” she asked with a small smile. I cleared my throat. “Of course.”

She shook her head with a laugh and stepped toward me. “I think it’s because you’re sweet.” The smell of strawberry shampoo hit my nose and had my mouth watering. It was beginning to feel tortuous not to touch her. But I was also afraid I’d never be able to stop. Ellie placed a hand on Andy’s back and then lifted him from me before settling him in the crib. Tucking the blanket around him, she whispered good night and turned back to me. “Ready?” I swallowed roughly and nodded. It was all I was capable of at the moment. Without a word, I left the room and went back to the family room. I heard her enter and sit on the couch as I looked through my movies. “Do you have a preference?” I asked, praying like hell she did because I couldn’t concentrate enough to read the titles. “No.” Fuck. Wait. I let out a breath of relief after I remembered what I’d picked up the other day. I looked to the very top at the A’s because I kept them in alphabetical order. Trying to keep it hidden from her, I grabbed the DVD and walked to the kitchen so I could remove the plastic and the stickers. When I came back in, I looked at her for the

first time. She was sitting with her legs tucked underneath her and her hands in her lap. I smiled tightly before popping the disc in and moving to the light switch. I paused with my hand hovering over it. I always turned them off, but would that make Ellie feel weird? I decided to dim them until the room had a soft glow. Grabbing the remote, I finally moved to the couch and sat next to Ellie, leaving a couple of inches between us. My fingers began a tapping rhythm on my thigh. Ellie’s delighted squeal filled the room when the movie menu came up. I turned and looked at her. “Thank you. But you didn’t have to do this for me. We can watch something we’d both enjoy. The date should be fun for you too.” Laughing, I hit the play button and we waited for the second Avengers movie to start. We’d already watched the first one together months ago. “Ellie if you’re having a good time, I’m having a good time.” It really was that simple.

He’d put space between us. But for once I wasn’t

insecure. I wasn’t freaking out about what it could mean, because I knew. He was nervous. It was in the way his Adam’s apple bobbed every few minutes or his fingers tapped along his impressive thigh. I caught Grayson’s leg bouncing out of the corner of my eye, another tell, as I discreetly scratched my arm. When I was afraid I might rub it raw, I slid my hands under my legs and sat on them. There. Problem solved. Except not really. Because I started digging my nails into the couch. His leather couch. “Shit,” I muttered, instantly freeing them. “Is everything okay?” “Yup.” I didn’t even look at him as I crossed my arms and started bouncing my leg too. “Ellie,” he whispered, moving closer. My heart was thudding wildly against my chest. “Ellie.” The word was softer now, but I heard it loud and clear because he said it right into my ear. His breath ghosted over my skin, causing me to shiver. “Yeah?” I’d had sex before—obviously, but all my encounters occurred with men I didn’t really care about. I couldn’t recall a single one of them, either. My nerves skyrocketed. How would I compare to everyone Grayson had been with? How would I—?

“Ellie?” he asked, gently brushing my hair away from my face until he was cupping my cheeks and tilting my head his way. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” I shook my head for good measure. Grayson frowned. “Nothing needs to happen if you don’t want it to.” “I want to. I just…” “What?” “I feel like a bit of a virgin,” I blurted out. He raised his eyebrows and I felt my cheeks burn. “I mean obviously I’m not because I have Andy. And I’m not the Virgin Mary or anything like that. I’ve had sex, which means I’m not a virgin…” His smile widened as I kept rambling, and at this point my face felt like a ball of fire. “Ellie,” he said around a chuckle. I groaned and my head thudded against his chest. Grayson ran his fingers through my hair and tilted my face toward him. “Please relax. I want you to feel comfortable. How can I make that happen?” “You can’t,” I said softly. I cringed at the hurt I saw in his eyes. “I just meant… my insecurities are my own.” “What could you possibly be insecure about?” His eyes greedily moved over my body, making me squirm. “A lot. I’ve never been completely conscious when I’ve had sex. To be honest I only remember a few…” I trailed off when I saw the thunderous

expression on his face. “Not that I’ve slept with a ton of people.” My voice broke at the end. How could I even say that? I didn’t really know, did I? I felt my eyes well with tears and immediately tried to push him away. God, this was embarrassing. I kept my gaze on his chest, away from his face. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t mad at you or angry about anything you’ve done. I’m furious at the guys who took advantage of you. In fact, if you had their names and addresses I’d probably be out of a job by tomorrow.” My tears vanished as fast as they came, none having fallen. I took a deep breath before looking up at him. His eyes were soft and apologetic. “I didn’t say no. They didn’t take advantage of me.” It was important he knew the type of person I was. I wasn’t innocent. The dark shadow returned, but I wasn’t scared this time. “If you weren’t in the right frame of mind to say yes, it’s just as bad. Silence isn’t consent. I’m not saying you weren’t reckless. You were.” He delivered those last lines gently, and I could tell he was only saying them because he was concerned. “But they should have stopped you. I don’t care if they were drunk too. A guy can tell when a girl is too far gone. They just didn’t care, and there’s nothing you can say that will make me feel differently.” I smiled, wrapping my arms around his neck

and squeezing. “Thank you,” I whispered into his ear. “You’re not alone, you know.” “What do you mean?” I pulled back, my fingers playing with the hair around his nape. “We’re both entering into this relationship the same way.” My brows twisted with confusion. “I don’t…” “I’ve never been in a relationship, Ellie.” “I know, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t… you know.” Grayson laughed. “You have a kid but can only say sex in the middle of a nervous ramble?” “Apparently,” I muttered. He looked contemplative as his hands moved to my shoulders, slipping under the straps of my dress, ghosting over my skin. “You’re right. I could have. But I didn’t.” I froze. His words weren’t computing at all. “Tthat… that’s not possible. I mean… are you saying… you don’t… you can’t mean…” I trailed off. “I’m a virgin?” He chuckled at my wide-eyed expression. “That’s exactly what I mean.” His fingers moved the straps down, baring my shoulders. “Is it really so hard to believe? I told you what my childhood was like. I told you how closed off I became after Taylor’s death.” His Adam’s apple bobbed, and a brief flash of pain moved

through his expression. “I know. I guess I still thought you’d…” “Hook up with random girls?” At my nod, he shrugged. “To each their own, but that’s not me. It never has been. I’ve fooled around some, but it never felt like a priority. When my family joked about me being married to my job, they weren’t kidding.” Swallowing roughly, I nodded, lost in my thoughts. That was a lot of pressure. His goal had been to put me at ease, but this was almost worse. What if he regretted it? Regretted me? I squeezed my eyes shut. “Look at me,” he said softly. I quickly shook my head. Grayson’s hand slipped beneath my hair, gently grabbing the back of my neck, and his other hand cupped my cheek to turn my face his way. “I need your eyes.” I slowly opened them and he was there waiting for me, just like he’d been since I’d met him, with open arms and tender words. Kiss me. The thought made my lips tingle. I unconsciously licked them, and Grayson’s eyes fell to the action. “Grayson?” “Yeah?” he asked distractedly, now looking at my chest and how rapidly it rose and fell. “I need your lips.”

He chuckled; it was deep and filled with need. And then his lips were on mine. Soft and light, like I was delicate. Like he had on Christmas. But not in a way that made me feel fragile, just worshipped, loved… safe. One of my hands fell to his waist, skating around to his back, relishing the warmth of his skin. The other laid on his chest, resting over his heartbeat. My fingers curled into his shirt and pulled him closer. He was slow at first. Not unsure, but like he was savoring the experience. Grayson’s hands framed my face, the tips of his fingers massaging my hairline. Then he pressed harder, his tongue sneaking out to trace the seam of my lips. I moaned into his mouth and he immediately dipped his tongue inside. The first contact was heady, just like the first time. Thankfully I was sitting, because it made my knees weak and my head fuzzy. My mind was whirling. His kiss turned confident and commanding. Almost painful, but the best kind. And within minutes we were done. Completely lost to each other. We began shuffling at the same time, somehow keeping our lips connected. I twisted and lay back against the couch while Grayson awkwardly half stood until I could stretch out my legs. Once I was flat on my back he settled on top of me, the most delicious weight there could be. I spread my legs,

and his hips fit like they were meant to be there. Everything about how the two of us fit together felt that way. It was crazy and undoubtedly cheesy, but in this moment I swore we were made for one another. Opposites who completed each other in every way. Grayson’s lips left mine to drop kisses on my neck, and every single touch had me falling deeper. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it hadn’t been this. I’d imagined he would be ravenous, eager, so ready to lose his virginity that he wouldn’t take this much care with me. But that was exactly what he did. And I knew my fears and expectations were still being clouded by my past. By how every other hookup had been just that… casual. No one had ever known or cared about me the way he did. He really did see me. And not for who he wanted me to be, or who I’d been. But for who I was now, and who I hoped to be. I didn’t realize I was crying until he stopped and wiped away a stray tear. “What’s wrong?” His voice was soft, soothing. “Nothing.” “That’s not what this says.” Grayson lightly ran his thumb under my eye, catching another one. I brought my hands up and wrapped my fingers around his wrists. “They’re happy tears. Sometimes I still can’t

believe that you’ve stayed.” “I couldn’t walk away from you, Ellie. Believe me, in the beginning I wanted to. I felt like it was only a matter of time before I failed you.” Grayson frowned as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “I feel that way every day about Andy. I haven’t thought about alcohol much, Joy and AA have helped; you’ve helped. But I’m constantly fearing the day I’ll choose it over my son.” “You won’t.” He sounded so sure. “How do you know?” I asked. “You said you started drinking to escape the pain?” I nodded and he continued. “I know addiction is complicated, and I can’t boil it down to one thing. I know there will be bumps and hard times, but I’ve seen all kinds of people struggle, and I have a good feeling about your chances. You have the things you were lacking, and if you ever feel like escaping again, come to me. Pour all your pain into me. I promise I won’t let you drown in it.” His words, filled with determination, floated over me. I rested my hand on his chest and stroked the spot over his heart. “So you want my new addiction to be you?” I asked with a small smile. Grayson stayed quiet, brushing his hand over my head and winding his fingers through my hair. I held my breath as I waited for his response, and even though every fear and insecurity I’d ever had was trying to convince me to look away, I kept my

eyes on his. I could feel his gaze like a touch, and when it settled on my lips, I shivered. Leaning down, his lips brushed my temple before resting against my ear. “It seems only fair,” he whispered. “Since you’re mine.” The words settled in my heart, filling me with more happiness than I’d thought possible. Grayson moved back and the second I could, I lifted my head and sealed our lips together. His hand skated across my collarbone— A high-pitched wail sounded from the back of the house. Then another. And another. Until it was one long, continuous cry. He broke the kiss and his head fell against my shoulder. “Shit,” he muttered. I agreed. When he lifted his head, he looked toward the clock. “I should probably get you home anyway.” I didn’t want to leave, but I took comfort in knowing he wasn’t thrilled with the idea either. Grayson reluctantly pulled away, standing and holding his hand out to me. He was staring at my lips as he helped me up. My eyes moved to his too. When Andy screamed louder, I snapped out of it, shaking my head and putting distance between us. His hand snaked out, like an instinct, and rested on my hip, preventing me from moving farther away.

“I-I need to check on Andy.” I pointed over my shoulder. Grayson nodded, still staring at my lips, before releasing me. I turned around and stumbled away, only to pause by the entryway and glance back at him. My heart soared when I saw him standing in the exact same place, gaze on the ground and his fingers reverently tracing his lips. He lifted his head and found me staring. My breath stalled at the wonder on his face. No one had ever looked at me like that before, so I couldn’t say with any sort of guarantee what it was. But it almost looked like love.

HAVING

undoubtedly stressful. It seemed like Andy could hurt himself everywhere. I was constantly wondering if he would choke on a new toy or if he could be allergic to something. The worry that he might smother himself in his sleep had minimized, but it was still there. And don’t even get me started on the soft spot… Needless to say, I saw problems all the time. Damien was concerned about how lax I’d been with my AA meetings, but I’d still been talking to Joy. She helped a lot. And it didn’t matter what time it was, if I needed to talk, she was there. If I needed her to stop by, she came over. That assuaged some of his fears. But now that the move and holidays were behind us, I needed more of a routine. Staring down, I got lost in a beautiful pair of chocolate brown eyes. “You’re sure you’ll be okay?” I asked my brother, not taking my gaze off Andy’s. It was still difficult to leave him. A BABY WAS

“We’ll be fine.” I could practically hear his eyes roll. Nodding, I finally looked away and made my way out of his nursery. I jogged down the stairs, throwing out a goodbye to Naomi before dashing out of the house. “Later!” she hollered from the couch. I arrived at the church fifteen minutes later. Despite my nervousness about being away from Andy, I was also excited to see some of the members. Even though we didn’t talk outside of group, they had become my friends. I hadn’t seen them since before Christmas. I pulled on the door to the cafeteria and stepped through, my eyes immediately falling to the circle of chairs in the middle of the room. Joy jumped up with a squeal and ran toward me. “You came!” she shouted, drawing everyone’s attention our way as she wrapped me up in a tight hug. “Ooof. I just saw you a couple days ago.” I laughed as I returned her embrace. A few others joined us while some people I didn’t recognize looked on in curiosity. “Let’s see some pictures,” one of the older women said. Every time I came, they wanted new pictures. I couldn’t blame them. With a smile, I eagerly dug some out and passed them around. “This one was taken on Christmas.” I pointed to the one in my hand as I turned it around for

everyone to see. It was Andy sitting by Grayson’s tiny Christmas tree. It was a rare moment, a handful of seconds in which he’d stopped trying to unravel the lights or stick a branch in his mouth. You couldn’t see it in the picture, but I was lurking just outside the frame, stopping him from doing any of that. “He’s beautiful, Ellie.” I smiled. “He is. I’m still so relieved. I think part of me was expecting he’d come out with horns or something. It seems too good to be true that none of the alcohol touched him.” Even months later, I felt this way. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was almost two months along. That was two months of partying. Eight weeks of drinking. I didn’t discuss it much, but I had been wracked with guilt and paranoia as I waited to see how my mistakes would affect him. Premature labor. Brain damage. Heart defects. There was no limit to the number of things that could have gone wrong. And somehow Andy was perfect. I didn’t deserve it, but I certainly wasn’t complaining. I showed them a few more pictures before they dispersed, sensing it was almost time to start the meeting. As we headed to our seats, I grabbed Joy’s arm.

“I almost forgot. We’re finally having a housewarming party tonight. Now that it looks habitable, Naomi wants to show it off.” “Oh. Uh… I can’t, actually.” She avoided looking at me as she dug around in her purse. I narrowed my eyes. “Why are you being so shifty?” Joy immediately dropped the act. “I have a date with Carter.” “What?!” I yelled. Several heads turned our way, including Carter’s. He was still on the other side of the room talking to another guy. Even from here, I could see his blush, like he knew we were talking about him. “Yeah. He just walked right up to me at the last meeting, no preamble, and asked me out. Almost like he was afraid if he didn’t do it quick, he wouldn’t get it out.” She shrugged. “It was kinda cute.” I grinned. “Only kinda?” Rolling her eyes, she plopped into her seat while I took mine. “Fine. It was really adorable.” Joy definitely loved awkward guys. “What happened to your worries about him not confiding in you?” I asked, suddenly a little worried. Knowing how much my shared confidences with Grayson had helped in the last few months, I understood her concerns. I didn’t want her to get hurt.

“They’re still there. But I can’t let the fear of something that might happen rule my life. I’d drive myself crazy.” I was silent as I thought about that. It felt like I’d been doing that for my entire life. But lately I was learning to let go of some of those fears, wasn’t I? “It’s like what you’re doing with Grayson,” Joy interrupted my inner thoughts. “And I’m so proud of you.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. I looked over to see her eyes bright with emotion. “You have scars, just like everyone else, but you’re no longer looking at them and only seeing the pain. You know they’ve shaped you and that you can’t forget what happened, and you’re working through it. Ever since you started talking to Grayson, I’ve noticed the change. And right now, I’m aspiring to be more like you.” She was smiling when she turned to the front as someone started talking. I was stunned into silence, still staring at her profile. I didn’t think anyone had ever aspired to be like me in their life. Why would they? But there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Joy was being one hundred percent genuine. I looked away as tears flooded my vision and a small smile spread across my face. I’d always thought that befriending the right people would solve all my problems. But even with

Grayson, Joy, and Naomi now in my life, I still faltered. So maybe it wasn’t about finding people to keep me from going over the edge, or even about having people who would catch me when I fell. Maybe the right people were the ones who were simply there. Day after day, struggle after struggle, helping me stand and fight again.

“You did what?” I screeched. “He said he didn’t mind.” Damien spoke like it was no big deal, like telling me that Andy and I were spending the night with Grayson wasn’t a humungous deal. If he wasn’t rocking my sixmonth-old son in his arms, I would’ve punched him. Hard. “But… you can’t… you can’t just…” He threw me an easy grin. “Ellie, relax. He looked thrilled to be honest.” “Yeah, who wouldn’t be thrilled with having an infant for the night? Damien, you—” I was cut off by the doorbell. “You should go get that. It’s probably him,” my brother helpfully filled in.

I glared at him before stomping out of the room. There may have even been a growl. But the second I cleared the door, any trace of annoyance fell away as I realized what my real problem was. I wasn’t mad, far from it. I was excited that Damien was about to propose to Naomi, which was the reason he wanted the house to himself later tonight. I’d had no idea that the housewarming downstairs was doubling as an engagement party. And I was happy for him, for both of them. They deserved this. My real problem was that I was terrified. Grayson and I had only just started dating and I’d never spent a night alone with a guy, at least not when I was conscious. I cringed at the thought. I’d be horrified if I ever discovered all the things I did when I was drinking. Laughter rose from the family room as I quickly made my way downstairs. My heart felt lodged in my throat, even as butterflies swarmed my stomach. I paused at the bottom of the stairs, staring straight into the window next to the front door, which confirmed Grayson was on the other side. He looked good. Really good. Swallowing roughly, I let my gaze leisurely travel over him. His hair was swept back from his forehead like he’d just run his hand through it, and

he was wearing a navy-blue knit sweater and khaki pants. Nothing particularly special or out of the ordinary, and yet for some reason it had me flushing. Probably because I knew I’d be sleeping in the same house as him tonight. Shaking my head, I lifted my gaze and found him staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face. I took a deep breath and walked forward to pull open the door. “Hi.” I threw in a little wave while my other hand had a painfully tight grip on the door. “Hey.” He smiled, his eyes dipping to my outfit. “You’re wearing a dress.” I didn’t wear them often, but… “You seemed to like it on our date.” Grayson looked amused. My face heated as I looked down at my strapless mint-green dress that fell just below my knees. With my bare feet, it was a casual look. A moment later I felt his finger on my chin before he lifted my gaze to his. His eyes were soft on mine, that small smile still touching his lips. “You look beautiful, Ellie.” Loud laughter rose up behind me, and Grayson’s gaze traveled over my shoulder. When he noticed all the people, his hands started fidgeting right before he stuffed them in his pockets. “Grayson!” Naomi yelled, skipping over to us. “You made it.” She threw her arms around him in a

friendly hug. I cringed a little as jealousy sat hard and ugly in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t that I thought Naomi liked him or that he liked her back. I was jealous of how free Naomi was, how she could just throw her arms around him like it was no big deal. That’s probably because it isn’t… And yet I was second-guessing myself with every step I took, wondering if I was coming across as clingy. But guys liked confidence like Naomi’s, didn’t they? I felt slightly vindicated when I saw him cringing and awkwardly patting her on the back. But even if he didn’t want me to be like her, in the moment I did. I wanted to be the one to so freely wrap my arms around him, to melt into his embrace, to not have to worry about what was considered an acceptable amount of time to hug him. When she pulled back, her gaze flickered between us. “Well, I just wanted to say hello. I’ll leave you in Ellie’s capable hands.” She turned away, but not before winking at me. I loved her. But I also wanted to kill her. That was probably the truest indication she was family. Damien came down a few minutes later, and the two of us followed him into the family room. My eyes fell to Derek and Sam, who were sitting on the couch. It was the first time she’d come home

since she’d left six months ago. I knew it wasn’t for the engagement, but I also had no idea what it was for. Derek didn’t seem to care either way. Every chance he got, he was around her. Grayson and I had somehow ended up separated, talking to different people. But our eyes constantly went back to one another. I turned away from talking to Naomi’s mother when I heard Damien asking Naomi to grab Andy. I knew this was the moment. My brother had bought a custom onesie and was using my son as part of the proposal. “Hey there, little fella.” Naomi lifted him up and brought him to her hip. “Woah, you’re getting heavy, little man.” Andy giggled while she pretended to struggle with holding him up. “You are —” Naomi froze when she finally saw it. I quickly took Andy from her and showed the rest of the room while Naomi focused on Damien. The onesie was sky blue and had the words Will you be my Auntie? written in white across the chest. There was even a diamond ring hanging off the e in Auntie. Everyone quieted as my brother walked to Naomi and got down on one knee. He cleared his throat before beginning. “I tried, for days, to think of an eloquent way to ask you to be with me for the rest of my life.

Because you deserve that. You deserve something more than a simple will you marry me? So I racked my brain, trying to figure out how to give you the best of me. How to take the best thing I’ve got and give it to you. But then I realized, you’re the best thing about me. You are. It’s like, I don’t even know how I existed before I met you. It sounds so cheesy, but it’s the truth. And even though my feelings aren’t simple, what I want is. I want to marry you, have children with you, and grow old with you. I’ve known since the beginning that you were going to be one of the most important parts of my life, and I don’t want to waste a single second without the rest of the world knowing it, too. I love you, Naomi.” Damien pulled his hands away and reached into his pocket, pulling out and opening the black velvet box. “Sweetheart, will you marry me?” I was crying when Naomi knelt to the ground in front of him. She ran her hands through his hair before saying the one word we all knew was coming, “Yes.” We all clapped and cheered as they kissed. I looked down when Andy started laughing. They eventually broke apart and everyone moved in to congratulate them, but I hung back. Suddenly I felt eyes on me and when I looked to my left, sure enough, Grayson was staring at me. I swallowed roughly at the heated, yet tender, look in his eyes.

Our eyes were still locked when Damien came over and grabbed Andy so they could take pictures. I felt more than saw Grayson walk over to me, and when he finally stopped in front of me I was hardly breathing. “Do you want something to drink?” I asked. We still hadn’t touched, and something about that put me on edge and had me shifting on my feet. After a curt nod, we walked toward the empty kitchen. He seemed a bit more distant than when he’d first arrived. We’d seen each other a few times since our first date almost two weeks ago; could he really be sick of me so soon? I remained silent though, swallowing down my insecurities. I was leaning against the counter and watching him grab a soda out of the fridge. Grayson cracked it open and took a sip, eyeing me over the can as he rested his hip against the opposite counter. The silence grew thick, but he didn’t seem to mind. I could have sworn I saw his lips twitch, like he was fighting off a smile. After I couldn’t take any more, I said the first thing that came to mind. Naturally, it was embarrassing. “So… I hear we’re sleeping together tonight.” My eyes immediately widened, and if I could kick myself in the face, I was pretty sure I would. “Tthat came out wrong. Not sleeping sleeping together, just… we’re having a sleepover?” The utter mortification I felt tripled as a wide grin

spread across his face. Kill me now. “Calling it a sleepover sounds a bit like the two of us are twelve-year-old girls planning to braid our hair and have a pillow fight.” He continued to grin, but I couldn’t fully enjoy it as my face flamed red. His smile melted into something softer as he took pity on me. “If you’re referring to the fact that you and Andy are staying over at my place tonight so your brother and Naomi can have some privacy, you would be correct.” I looked around the kitchen, Naomi’s eccentric decorations causing a smile to pull at my lips. When I turned back to him, I grimaced. “I’m sorry Damien put you in that position. I don’t know what he was thinking. He can’t be okay with this…” I mused. Weren’t older brothers supposed to lock you in a tower and keep you away from other guys? Almost as if he read my mind, Grayson said, “It’s not like your brother thinks you’re a virgin.” I started coughing, but he seemed completely unaffected. Jeez. I knew he wasn’t calling me a slut, but his words made me feel dirty, especially knowing that he was a virgin. And they shouldn’t have. Nothing related to Andy should. But the way he was conceived, the fact that I didn’t even know who his father was, never failed to make me feel ashamed.

I cleared my throat, my eyes aimed at the ground as I tried not to let my emotions get the best of me. But as I quickly excused myself and walked down the hall toward the bathroom, I knew I’d failed. “Ellie—” He’d reached out as I passed, but I managed to dodge him. “I need to go to the bathroom,” I mumbled. My back hit the door as soon as it shut, the light still off, the moon shining through the window above the shower. I hated feeling so unstable around him. I hated having flashes of insecurity that pulled me into the past when all I wanted was to sprint into the future. I thought back to my AA meeting this morning, to Joy’s words, and to a part of the Serenity Prayer that we said at every meeting. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference. I couldn’t change what I’d done. I couldn’t change all the insults my mother threw at me. I could start looking at those mistakes differently. I could see how far I’d come instead of how far I’d fallen. I could hear my mother’s words for what they really were: the insecurities of a woman who’d probably never felt like she was enough. It wasn’t easy. It might never be. And I would

probably have to remind myself of these things over and over again, but for right now, they were helping. I could breathe a little easier. I could fight a little harder.

I stared at the hallway, expecting her to come right back. When she didn’t, I found Naomi and told her about the conversation, asking her if she thought Ellie was okay. “I’m sure she’s fine.” But it didn’t sound like she believed it either. Feeling frustrated, I said, “I was joking. I don’t understand…” I hated being so flustered, but I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong. Before Naomi could say anything, though, Andy started crying and she went over to soothe him. My hands twitched at my side as I kept myself from pacing. When I first arrived, I was almost knocked on my ass with how beautiful Ellie looked. During the proposal I’d kept my eyes on her the entire time. When Damien asked if she could spend the night, I nearly came out of my skin. He knew we were dating, and Damien was slowly getting

back to being cordial with me, but I was still surprised. I was also surprised that Ellie thought I’d see it as a burden. Despite all our progress, I was slowly seeing that her insecurities wouldn’t be cured overnight. That was okay; I was willing to work on it. But in moments like this, where she disappeared and I didn’t know what was wrong, I had no clue what I should do. It felt like years had passed before she returned. I quickly stepped forward and gently grabbed her shoulders. “Hey, sorry. I—” “Are you okay?” I asked, my eyes roaming over her face. Swallowing roughly, she nodded. Her face was a little red, but other than that there was no indication she’d ever been upset. I never wanted to think of her as only an alcoholic, but I couldn’t help but worry every time she seemed stressed. My concern always had me wondering if something was tipping her toward that temptation. I meant every word I’d said on our date, but just as her fears wouldn’t go away overnight, neither would mine. My mind still spun with scenarios in which I could lose someone. “What’s wrong?” she asked, noting my worry. Not wanting to tell her my thoughts, I said, “Parties aren’t really my thing.” It wasn’t an exact lie. I much preferred one or two people to a dozen. She frowned. “You didn’t have to come if

you’re uncomfortable. Damien would’ve understood.” I stared down at her. “I didn’t come for Damien.” Before she could say anything, Naomi came running over. With a huge grin, she shoved her hand under Ellie’s face again. We both started laughing as Ellie slapped it away. I knew it wasn’t the ring itself. She probably could’ve had a giant Fruit Loop around her finger and been just as happy. Damien came up behind her and wrapped his arms her midsection, resting his chin on her shoulder. “Sweetheart, you’re scaring people.” “Oh hush.” Naomi swatted him. The evening continued in much the same way: Naomi flitting around to people, bursting with joy, and Damien trying to tame her. As the housewarming was winding down, I noticed Ellie was missing. Checking to see that someone had Andy—Naomi’s mother—I quietly slipped upstairs and found Ellie in his nursery. “It’s okay. We’re okay. Everything is okay,” she was whispering as she started shoving Andy’s things into one of his diaper bags. I could hear anxiety in her soft words and frowned. The door creaked when I shoved it open. Ellie jumped and whirled around.

“Crap. You scared me.” Her hand was over her rapidly moving chest. “Are you all right?” She paled a bit before turning back to the bag. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” “If you aren’t comfortable staying overnight, I can pay for a hotel.” The words were hard to get out. I wanted her and Andy to stay over. More than that, I didn’t want them to be alone somewhere else. But I couldn’t justify forcing her to stay at my house. Her being uncomfortable was also unacceptable. I would have to check into the hotel too. If possible in the room next to— “It’s not that.” I snapped out of my thoughts to find her facing me again, slumped back against the changing table. She straightened as I walked toward her, placing my hands on her hips and pulling her to me. Letting out a breath of relief, I realized it was the first time I’d held her tonight. She melted too, making me think she’d felt the same discontentment that we hadn’t touched earlier. I certainly hoped so, because I wasn’t planning on letting it happen again. “I’ve never… God, this is gonna sound so stupid,” she muttered, her face thudding against my chest. I chuckled, my hand moving to the back of her head. I threaded my fingers through her hair and massaged her scalp.

“Eyes, Ells,” I whispered, feeling her smile. Sure enough, when she looked up it was there. Some of the tension returned as she admitted, “I’ve never slept with anyone before.” “Me neither. But I’m sure two smart people such as ourselves could figure it out.” I grinned. Her body relaxed as I leaned down and sealed my lips over hers. My hands squeezed her waist as her fingers skated up my arms before diving into my hair. She tugged, and I instinctively pressed my body into hers. Her soft lips moved leisurely over mine, when all I wanted was to devour her. She tasted like mint and chocolate from the dessert earlier in the night, and I was ready for a second serving. Tilting my head, I took the kiss deeper. Ellie moaned into my mouth when our tongues touched, her hips instinctively pushing into me. I dropped one hand to her bare thigh, trailing my fingers along her soft, smooth skin and under her dress. Lifting her leg, I directed it around my waist and ground into her. She broke from the kiss and dropped her head back. Her hands flew to my shoulders, her nails digging in, as I moved my lips to the column of her throat. “Grayson,” she whimpered, and my cock twitched in response. Fuck, she felt good. I squeezed her leg tighter and her dress rose a little higher. Shuffling back and looking down, I

saw she was exposed. Her light purple panties had a damp spot on them. I tried to swallow, but something felt lodged in my throat. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ellie’s chest heaving. When I looked up, she was already staring at me. Without taking my eyes off her, I removed my hand from her hip and slowly let my palm slide down her abdomen. Her eyes flared as she waited for my next move. Ellie bit her lip when my fingers descended, lightly brushing over her. I added a little more pressure, grazing her clit through her underwear. Her eyes were begging me for relief, her hips seeking more from me. This was dangerous. The door was still halfway open. Naomi and Damien were downstairs with a few partygoers and Andy. I leaned forward and nipped her chin, all while making small circles on her clit. She whimpered when I slowed down and removed my hand. I gently unwrapped her leg from around my waist and stepped back. Her eyes that had fallen shut flew open. “What are you doing?” she croaked, her hands hanging limp by her sides. “We don’t have to do anything tonight. Not if you’re uncomfortable. You can even sleep in a different room,” I teased. There was no way she’d be sleeping in another room. She narrowed her eyes, like I’d planned to get

her worked up. I hadn’t. Truthfully I’d just gotten lost in her, but a small part of me was relishing the way she squirmed. “Ellie.” My next words were tender. “I only want to sleep next to you.” That wasn’t the truth. I couldn’t wait to get back to my place and finish what we’d started, but if she didn’t want that, I had a fully functional hand and a shower. It’d be a piss-poor substitute, but I’d make do. My biological needs weren’t nearly as important as her comfort. Her eyes softened. The arousal was still there, but I could tell my words affected her. “I want that too,” she whispered. “Good. I’ll see you downstairs.” I grinned and backed up. If I wanted to leave this house still a virgin, I had to get away from her right the fuck now. Shit, I could still feel her arousal on my fingers. I’d just made it out the door when Ellie called my name. I turned to face her. “Yeah?” She slowly walked toward the door, stopping just shy of touching me. Standing up on her tiptoes, she whispered in my ear, “But before we go to sleep, you’re gonna finish what you started.” Fuck. Fuck. Fucking fuck. I listened to her fall back on her heels and I opened my eyes. Her bottom lip was imprisoned between her teeth, begging me to release it and claim it as my own.

She looked like she was waiting for an answer, so I cleared my throat and managed to say, “Okay.” I was surprised she recognized what I said considering how hoarse my voice was. With a nod, she turned around and went back to packing, like she didn’t leave me standing here with a massive hard-on. Looks like I wouldn’t be heading downstairs right away after all…

WE

word as he drove us to his place. Andy was sleeping in the backseat, and a tense silence fell over the front seat. It was filled with my words from earlier. After he’d left the nursery, I went to my room and changed my underwear. I’d considered relieving myself, but decided against it. By the time I came down, Grayson looked ready to crawl out of his skin. He kept his mouth shut as he loaded us into the car and drove off. Damien shot me a strange look as Grayson barely mumbled a goodbye. I was shifting in my seat and I felt him look over; whatever he saw had him gripping the steering wheel harder and stepping on the gas. When we got there, he parked the car and blindly shoved the door open. I watched him grab the bags from the backseat before walking up to the door. I quickly unbuckled Andy and followed close behind him. “I’ll go put him down,” I said quietly. Grayson HARDLY SAID A

nodded, still facing the door after he’d locked it. After I tucked Andy in and grabbed the monitor, I turned on his mobile and slipped out of the room, grabbing one of the bags Grayson had dropped off on my way out. Letting out a deep breath, I slowly walked down the hallway before dipping into the bathroom to change into my pajamas. I slipped a pair of tiny, loose black shorts over my dark green panties before pulling on one of my baggy T-shirts that matched the green of my underwear. The shirt fell just a couple inches shy of meeting the black thighhigh socks I was putting on. I ran my palms down my sides as I looked in the mirror. My eyes were shining bright with excitement and my cheeks were flushed. I gathered my long blonde hair into my hand and pulled it into a messy bun on the top of my head, exposing my neck. With nothing left to do, I shoved my dress into my bag and left it in the bathroom before exiting. I paused outside the door, listening to the sounds coming from the family room. Unable to discern them, I let my feet carry me toward the source. Stopping at the entrance, I took another deep breath. Grayson had changed too. Gone were the khakis and blue sweater. In their place was a simple white T-shirt and gray sweatpants that hugged his ass. I’d never really given much thought

to the phrase “you could bounce a quarter off his ass.” I understood it now. Only when he sat down, depriving me of the sight, did I pay attention to what he was doing. He was setting up his chessboard. There was no music playing and the room was dimmed like it’d been the night of our first date, when we watched a movie. I shook out my jittery hands and walked toward him. His hungry gaze roamed over me as I took a seat on the ottoman across from him. “We’re playing chess?” I asked, the disbelief evident in my voice. We’d only played a handful of times since he’d first taught me a few weeks ago. Grayson shifted his eyes back to the board and cleared his throat. “Strip chess,” he clarified. “You seem to like games, yes?” I squirmed in my seat. “I capture your piece, I get to remove something from you. And vice versa.” “The winner gets head,” I threw out. I was a bit nervous, but Grayson made me feel safe, and I felt like pushing boundaries. My eyes traveled to his lap. It was a pointless bet. He would win; we both knew it. “How about the winner gets to choose?” he countered. I clenched my legs in response, and based on his grin, he noticed. To be honest, I’d always favored oral sex. So I wasn’t complaining about the idea of him going down on me. Truthfully I was quite glad he seemed to like the idea, since

some guys didn’t. But what man turned down a blow job? “Not a fan of blow jobs?” Shrugging, he said, “I wouldn’t know.” And then he continued setting up the board like he hadn’t just dropped a bomb. “What?!” I screeched. Grayson glanced up and cocked an eyebrow. “How…? Why?” “Virgin, remember?” “You said you did stuff…” I sputtered. “Not that.” I thought I was going to pass out. Grayson chuckled when I roughly exhaled. I didn’t care. His unabashed attitude about his virginity was kind of attractive. Yes, his virginity still terrified me, but I couldn’t deny how amazing it felt knowing he wanted me to be his first. Without a word, he started the game. I was silent too. A few rounds passed until he finally captured the first piece. Standing up, I moved to lift my top when Grayson stopped me. “I said I get to remove it.” With that, he got up and walked around the table. His hands fell to my abdomen and slipped beneath my shirt. He carefully dragged it upward, all the while leaving a trail of heat where his hands had been. I shuddered as he skimmed over my bra, only

opening my eyes when I felt air hit my bare back. Grayson tossed the shirt on the couch before he moved back to his side. Oh God, this is going to be a long game… We played a few more moves, neither of us successful until I captured his knight. Silently, we both stood up. I slipped my hand into his pants, finding boxers underneath. Feeling bold, I palmed him through the thin material. “Ellie…” he growled, his hands forming fists. Taking pity, I stopped, but when I grabbed the sides of his sweatpants and dragged them down his legs, I made sure to lower myself with them until his sweats were pooled around his ankles and I was on my knees. “Step out.” My voice was husky and his dick twitched in response. I tossed his pants on top of my shirt and, unable to help myself, I leaned in and placed a light kiss on his tip. Nerves raced through me. Being this way with him, feeling this comfortable, was exhilarating. “Dammit,” he muttered. Grayson reached down and pulled me up, smashing me against him as he kissed me roughly. It was over as quickly as it started. “Be careful,” he warned. I wondered if he knew how much those two words, said in that low, guttural tone, made me want to be the exact opposite. Standing up on my tiptoes, I whispered in his

ear, “Just imagine that without your boxers between us.” I stepped back when I felt him swell against my stomach. His muscles were taut and he looked ready to snap, as I casually sat back down. He moved slowly, like he was in pain, and I had to bite back a grin. We continued the game. Capturing pieces. Slowly teasing each other. It was the best foreplay ever. Twenty minutes later, the only clothing left between the two of us was my panties and thighhighs. Concentrating with a naked Grayson across from me was impossible. My eyes kept straying to his lap, and his stare kept landing on my breasts. He licked his lips when my nipples pebbled, craving more than air. It was my turn and I saw two scenarios. One would keep me fighting, while the other would set him up for a surefire win. Without hesitation I went with the second option. We both knew what I’d done. We weren’t playing a complicated game, but neither of us commented on it as he swiftly moved his queen and mumbled, “Checkmate.” We flew at each other, our bodies crashing together, our lips fusing as one, and our moans creating the perfect soundtrack in the empty room. Pieces clattered to the ground as we bumped into the table, but neither of us cared. I was

actually surprised he didn’t want to fix it. I hissed as our nipples grazed and he groaned when I wrapped my legs around his waist and slowly rubbed myself against him. The cotton was still between us, but I knew he felt how damp the material was. “Fuck, Ellie…” he said as he ripped his mouth away. “Do you still want to choose?” I asked. Our eyes were locked as I continued slowly grinding against him. His hands were on my butt, setting a tortuous rhythm, and mine were wrapped around his neck. Before he could answer, I went on. “Imagine my tongue sliding over you, my mouth sucking you in, my hands squeezing…” I licked a path up his neck, and my lips settled against his ear. I’d never felt this fearless. It was amazing. “Jesus Christ.” He pulled my head back and kissed me. It was rough and hard. Then we were moving, his strides quick and sure. Our breaths were heavy when he flung open his bedroom door. I unlocked my legs from behind him and slid down his body. “What would be most comfortable for you?” He was barely hanging on by a thread, and yet he was still concerned for me. I cleared my throat before nodding to the bed. “Lie on your back.” Grayson immediately obliged,

stuffing several pillows under his head so he had a good view. Without hesitation, I did exactly what I’d said. I slid my tongue along his length before sucking on the head. One of my hands moved to cup his balls while the other wrapped around his base. I hollowed my cheeks and took as much as I could. “Fuck…” He groaned as one of his hands moved to my head and grabbed my hair, tugging me closer. My eyes never left his. The pure ecstasy on his face was the best thing I’d ever seen. His eyes were completely black and his mouth had dropped open. I moaned around him as I pumped faster and sucked harder. Lightly squeezing his balls, I pulled back and swirled my tongue around the tip. When I took him back in, Grayson snapped. With a grunt, he grabbed my head with both hands and began thrusting into my mouth. I gagged. He looked momentarily horrified but I shook my head, digging my nails into his thigh. His eyes flared when he saw my other hand disappear beneath my panties and between my legs. My fingers were soaked instantly as I began circling my clit, moaning around him. He didn’t last long—seconds later he was coming, and I swallowed all of it. His fingers left my hair as his head fell back, his hands covering his face as he groaned, long and

loud. “Ellie… God, that felt…” Grayson slowly came down as I licked him clean, but I was still building myself up. Pulling my mouth away, my forehead fell to his thigh as I whimpered. I’d just moved my fingers so I could fill myself when I was in the air. With a thud, I landed on Grayson’s chest as he captured my lips. Seconds later I was moving again, being flipped onto my back. I lifted my hips, seeking something… anything, when he pulled away, resting on his elbow and staring down at my heaving chest. I quickly shimmied out of my underwear, tossing them across the room before grabbing his hand. Taking his fingers, I ran them through my wetness. We both moaned, and he dipped his head to take one of my nipples into his mouth. My grip on his wrist tightened before he shook me away. Grayson continued to tease my breasts as he brought his finger to my clit. “Yessss,” I hissed, spreading my legs wider. One of my hands twisted in the comforter while the other grabbed the back of his head, tugging on his hair. I had already been close, so when he sped up, it didn’t take long for me to explode. My soft cries filled his bedroom as I shamelessly rode his hand, chasing the last of my orgasm. “I didn’t win, though,” I muttered lamely as I threw an arm over my eyes. Grayson laughed and removed it. He kissed me

slowly, deep, drugging kisses that had me slipping. And between that and the orgasm, I was quickly pulled under. The last thing I heard before sleep claimed me was, “We both won.” The words were serious and reverent, and sounded like they were about a whole lot more than a couple orgasms.

My eyes fluttered open slowly… naturally. Arms stretching above my head and sock-covered toes curling against the sheet at the foot of the bed, I felt relaxed. I hadn’t slept through the night this well in months. And even when I did, I woke to the sounds of Andy’s cries in the morning. I hadn’t woken up on my own since before he was born. That thought had me immediately bolting upright and looking toward the nightstand. 8:23 flashed back at me. The baby monitor was missing from its place beside the alarm clock. I kicked the sheets off and swung my legs over the side of my bed, looking for our clothes, only to remember they were in the other room. I ran to Grayson’s dresser and grabbed the first shirt I saw

before scurrying down the hall toward Andy. My sock-covered feet slid against the wooden floor as I came to a stop in front of the door and shoved it open. Grayson turned toward me, rubbing Andy’s back. I slumped against the doorframe, my hand going to my wildly beating heart. It didn’t slow down. The panic waned, and in its place was desire. Grayson was wearing drawstring pajama bottoms, sans shirt. My gaze drifted to the chair behind him; his shirt was lying on it, spit-up clearly present. Most women considered muscles a turn-on. Try having a half-naked man hold a baby… it was the death of all conscious thought. Only when Grayson’s eyes dropped to my legs did I remember what I was wearing. Blood rushed to my cheeks. His gaze started at my feet, sliding up my black thigh-high socks, pausing at the top. He fixated on the area of bare skin for a minute longer before moving to the oversized white T-shirt I was wearing. When his eyes met mine, they were heated. In reality only a few inches of my thighs were showing, but maybe the suggestion of what was underneath was enough. I felt my nipples tighten, and even though the fabric concealed it, I brought my arms up and crossed them over my chest. My shirt rose with the action. That was also when I remembered I wasn’t

wearing any underwear. Oh my God… I can’t win. I was positive my whole body was flushed red at this point. Trying to exhibit confidence I definitely didn’t feel, I walked forward, casually dropping my arms in the process. “Is he okay?” I whispered. “Yeah.” Grayson’s voice was equally quiet. My brows furrowed when he offered no further explanation. “Where was the monitor?” “I grabbed it after you passed out last night, but I kept it on my side. I thought you could use the sleep. Damien tells me you rarely let him or Naomi help.” Grayson’s hardened eyes, which had moved to my son, now rose to mine. “I figured you would’ve said no if I’d simply volunteered.” “I would have.” He nodded. “So I took away the option.” “My option,” I said, poking myself in the chest. I wasn’t angry, but I wasn’t used to having someone like Grayson in my life. He just… did things. He didn’t think about whether a person would be angry. Or if they’d fall to their knees and be grateful. Grayson simply did what he thought he should, what he thought was best. He helped me the only way he knew how, and I knew he wouldn’t apologize for it. Not that I wanted him to. I loved, and envied, how assured he always was with his

decisions. “Why are you so resistant to letting others help you?” he asked. I wavered, something he immediately noticed. “We have a deal. No lying. We share secrets.” “So you’ll tell me something in return?” “Of course,” he said, like I should have known better. “But we shouldn’t have to trade anymore. You should just tell me because I’ve asked or it could help.” I opened my mouth, but he quickly cut me off. “Just like I should do with you.” Grayson’s eyes dropped to my legs again. “It’s the least we could do after last night, no?” My face turned bright red, my thoughts straying. I quickly shook myself out of it and tried to get back on track. The fact of it was, he was right. “I don’t want to burden anyone. I want to be able to do this on my own. He’s my son. If I didn’t have you guys—” “But you do,” Grayson interrupted softly. “What’s the point in thinking about scenarios that will never happen? There are far too many out there for it to be practical or helpful.” He stepped closer. “No one doubts your ability to do this by yourself. But you don’t have to. If you didn’t have us, I know you’d be able to take care of your son alone. But you do; you have us.” He paused again, his eyes roaming over my face. “You have me,” he

said meaningfully. Grayson’s large palm cupped my cheek. I shuffled closer, almost mindlessly, and his hand slid to the back of my head, gently cradling it while his fingers massaged my scalp. My eyelids fell as I surrendered to him. Our lips came together, just for a moment, since Andy had started stirring, but it was enough. The hand that had held my neck moved down to my chest, resting over my fast-beating heart. His lips tipped up. “Grayson…” I murmured, but I was unable to finish. Andy started wiggling more, shattering the moment, before turning around and facing me. A string of unintelligible sounds left his mouth as he reached for me, giggling. With a wider smile, Grayson handed my son to me. “I’m going to make us breakfast,” he whispered as he smiled down at me. I nodded, literally at a loss for words, and stayed in a daze as he moved around me. He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear before leaving the room. He was acting like this was all normal. Like we did this every day. A doting husband who let his wife sleep in while he took care of the baby, giving her a kiss before making breakfast. It was… surreal. This wasn’t my life. I wasn’t sure I even

deserved something like this. Andy giggled, bringing my eyes to him. But he deserved it. No matter what, he deserved something this pure. I wouldn’t let my insecurities nor my pride take anything away from him. “Ells?” he called from the kitchen. “Do you want orange juice or milk?” “Milk!” I shouted back, covering one of Andy’s ears while the other lay against my shoulder. My son put his hand atop mine, like it was a game, something we did every morning. Again, this all came naturally, and I only had one hopeful thought… Could this really be my life?

I had just started breakfast when Ellie came out and put Andy in his high chair. I tried to grab her and pull her in for another kiss when she waved my outstretched hand away. “I have morning breath,” she mumbled. “I’ve already kissed you.” “I know.” She cringed. “I’d forgotten. I was in such a hurry to find Andy.”

Grinning, I tried again. “Well I didn’t care the first time and I don’t care now.” Ellie slapped her hand over her mouth before saying, “I care.” Well at least I assumed that was what she said. It was hard to understand her that way. And it just made me want to kiss her more. I laughed as she pivoted around and bolted from the room. “I’m gonna change,” she called out before the bedroom door slammed shut. The scrambled eggs were done in no time, and I’d just finished buttering the toast. I was only waiting on the bacon. My bare feet felt cool on the wooden floor. I was wearing loose drawstring pants and had grabbed a clean T-shirt. I walked toward Andy and rested a hand on his head. He was laughing, his hands raised near his face. I leaned down and shielded my eyes from him. I could imagine his smile dropping, his eyebrows shooting up his forehead, as he looked around. Right as panic was probably setting in, I moved my hands with a gasp. Andy kicked his chubby legs and opened and closed his fists toward me, his laughter twice as big as before. I felt her the second she was in the room. Without looking, I knew she was hovering in the entryway between this room and the hall. “Is your mommy spying on us?” I suddenly

asked, still facing forward. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her straighten and walk into the room. “No. Spying implies hiding, and I was standing in plain view.” Turning my head, I saw her nodding to herself before she moved toward the fridge. She was still wearing her black socks, but she’d changed into one of her own shirts. I wouldn’t have minded if she’d stayed in mine. When she came out dressed like that last night, I nearly lost my mind. She looked much like she had when I’d first met her: a baggy T-shirt and thigh-highs. And just like that first time, a bolt of lust shot through me. That sliver of skin where her shirt ended and her socks began tempted me like nothing I’d ever felt before. My gaze lifted from her ass when she turned around. Ellie blushed, catching me. When I looked closer I noticed she was fidgeting. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “I saw the parenting books on your nightstand.” She bit her lip and I frowned. “What about them?” “Did you buy them?” I moved back to the stove when the bacon started sizzling. “Well, as an officer, I don’t condone stealing. So yes, I paid for them.” I grinned back at her. She rolled her eyes and came to stand next to me. “I wasn’t sure if maybe you borrowed them

from one of your siblings. I didn’t know you bought any books. I didn’t…” Her gaze ran over my face tenderly. “When’d you get them?” “Just before Andy was born. I had no clue what I was doing. How else was I going to help you?” Ellie shook her head like I was missing the point. I might have been. “You’re amazing,” she whispered with a wide smile. I hooked my arm around her waist and pulled her into me. “I think we did pretty good. And you were worried.” I shook my head. “Huh?” she asked. “You were worried about our first ‘involved’ sleepover.” I smirked when I pulled away and put air quotes around involved. “Oh, yeah. We did okay.” “Just okay?” My brows rose. “I may not be experienced, but I seem to recall—” She immediately covered my mouth with her hand. “I have no clue what you’re going to say. But I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know. I’ve turned into the tomato version of myself enough times around you lately.” I grinned against her skin right before I kissed her palm. Our heads turned as Andy started banging his hands on his tray. “I don’t think he likes sharing you. Not that I could blame him.” “You’d better be careful—a girl could get used

to all this flattery,” she joked. Her feet had carried her too far away for me to pull her back, but if she’d been closer that was exactly what I would have done. “That’s the idea.” I didn’t watch for her response, I simply turned around and finished taking the bacon out of the pan. Ellie started getting Andy’s food ready while I put all the dishes on the table. When I stepped to the sink to wash my hands, my eyes caught on the drawer in the corner. The one where I kept all the Still notes my mother had left me. She’d be giving me one more in a few weeks, on my twenty-sixth birthday. I quickly dried my hand as I came to a decision. “I’ll be right back,” I told Ellie as I snatched my phone off its charging station and walked into another room. My mother answered after only two rings. “Grayson? Is everything okay?” she immediately asked. “Yes. Everything’s perfect.” “Oh. Okay.” I heard her take a deep breath before I spoke again. “I’m sorry, I can’t talk long. But I had a favor to ask.” “Of course. Anything.” I wondered when I’d stop feeling like shit at the enthusiasm in her voice when I called.

“I was wondering if we could get the family together and have a birthday party? For me, I mean.” Her silence stretched on for so long I was sure she’d hung up. “Hello?” I asked. “Yes.” She cleared her throat, sounding choked up. “Yes, we can. Of course, Grayson.” Over the years I’d convinced myself that I “had” to work on my birthday every year. It wasn’t my choice, I’d rationalized. It was complete crap, I knew that. But a person could convince themselves of anything if they were desperate enough. I nodded. “Can I bring someone? Actually, two someones?” “Absolutely.” “One of them is a baby.” Papers were shuffling around, and I could tell it was killing her not to ask a million and one questions. “Perfect. We’ll see you in a few weeks.” She hung up quickly after that, perhaps afraid I’d change my mind. A small part of me was too. But seeing them at Christmas only highlighted how much I missed them. The reason I’d limited my time with my family never had anything to do with them. The problem had always been me. Because it was hard to be around the people who had seen you at your weakest.

A person’s past had a way of putting a dirty filter on their vision of the future. It was time I cleaned mine. It was time for me to go home.

IT WAS BECOMING HARDER to be around Grayson. My hands constantly itched to be on his skin and my lips begged to taste him. Even though we’d technically been dating for two months, we’d been friends for so long that, it felt like torture to keep waiting. I already felt more connected to him than I’d ever thought possible; I was ready for more, and I was hoping that might happen tonight. This was the first night we’d be alone together, while Naomi and Damien watched Andy. It was awkward that my brother knew what was going to happen—why else would I ask them to watch my son when we’d taken him on every other date? Naomi convinced me it was okay to take time for myself, so that was what I was trying to do. But now that what I wanted was so close, I was freaking out a bit. Grayson and I were driving back from dinner. It was perfect. There was candlelight and soft music; he pulled out my chair just like Naomi thought he

would. He held my hand whenever he could, and as we were leaving his warm palm settled on the small of my back, leading me to his car. My gaze drifted over to his hands, thinking about the places they’d been and imagining where they’d be tonight. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, trying to get control of my breathing. “Ells?” Grayson asked, concern bleeding into that single syllable. “Are you okay?” I jumped when he reached over and rested his hand on my leg, his fingers making soft circles on my inner thigh. It wasn’t meant to be sexual, but because I was also thinking about the chess game a few weeks ago, it had me squirming. “Ellie?” This time there was laughter in his voice. “Yeah?” I turned to find him staring at the road, a small grin on his face. “Is there somewhere you’d like my hand?” Looking down, I let out a horrified squeak when I saw one of my hands wrapped around his wrist, bringing it closer to the apex of my thighs. I let go like his hand was on fire. “Nope.” Bad hands. Bad Ellie. Bad. Bad. Bad. “Are you sure?” This time his hand moved of its own accord, his fingers flirting with where I wanted him most. My long flowy skirt was between us, but I could feel everything like we were skin to

skin. It was nearing eight o’clock, so the streets were dark and relatively empty the closer we got to his place. Am I really considering this? “Lift your skirt up.” I swallowed, hesitating. Grayson didn’t seem to share my concerns. All while keeping his eyes on the road, he leaned down and grabbed the hem, lifting it until it was bunched at my waist. I didn’t move until my thighs were completely exposed. “Spread your legs.” Slowly, I obeyed, jerking in my seat when he dragged a finger over the front of my increasingly damp panties. “Isn’t this illegal?” I squeaked. He chuckled, dark and low. “I won’t tell”—his voice faded to a whisper as he slid his fingers underneath the waistband, dipping down until he reached my wetness—“if you won’t.” I held in a groan. Then he ran his middle finger down, and it just barely slipped inside me. I moved my hips, seeking more, only for him to retreat. He continued to tease me, each time getting closer to my clit before pulling back. My hands fisted the armrests as I spread my legs wider, as far as they could go in a car. Jesus. We’re in a car, anyone could see… And like he knew where my thoughts had gone, Grayson silenced them by finally bringing his finger

to my clit, making soft circles. I wanted to deny my orgasm and race toward it all at once. We rolled to a stoplight, and thank God the area was empty because I was so close. He tilted his body toward me and leaned over. His fingers sped up and the circles got tighter. I never understood how people bit their lips so hard it bled. But I got it now—boy, did I. One of my hands snaked out to wrap around his bicep, digging my nails into him as I neared my peak. His mouth moved to my ear, and with two words I was flying: “Let go.” I freed my lip and Grayson was immediately there. He kissed me hard, stealing my moans and whimpers. I was starting to feel dizzy. The pleasure, the lack of oxygen, it was all too much. I broke my mouth away and turned my head, my heavy breaths fogging up a section of the window. His hand slowed and I felt him move away. Grayson placed a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. “Have I told you how much I love skirts and dresses?” I laughed—breathy and low—before looking back at his lap. “Not with your words.” He chuckled—a beautiful sound I would never get used to—and started driving. I checked out our surroundings; the streets were still empty. Looking over at Grayson, I found him licking his fingers. “Can you hand me a napkin?” He nodded to

the glove box. Wordlessly, I reached in and grabbed a few, watching him wipe away the saliva and last of my arousal on his hands. He acted as though this were all normal. Like he’d just finished a snack instead of making me climax in the front seat of his car. I grabbed another one and cleaned myself up. He was holding a tiny bag with his napkins inside toward me as I finished. I dropped mine in, purposefully avoiding his eyes. Somehow Grayson tied the bag closed with only one hand while I fixed my skirt, letting the material drop to the ground as I ran my hands along the dark fabric. Everything was in place, except for my heart. It was out of control, pounding so hard I swore it was trying to physically leave my chest and fly into Grayson’s hands. But it hardly needed to—my heart was already his. The heart that sighed when he did something sweet, the heart that swelled when he took care of Andy, the heart that sped up when he looked my way, the heart that hammered against my ribcage; they were all his. Hearts were fragile, mine especially so, and he could so easily crush it. And yet, I wasn’t worried. Loving someone this way was about the scariest thing there was, and I could see why some might want to shy away after having their hearts broken.

But I knew what it felt like to be unloved and, to me, there was no comparison. I’d chase love, even with all its heartbreaks, to the ends of the Earth. Because a broken heart was better than a dead one.

We were quiet as we walked up to his house. My hand tightly gripped my purse. Grayson opened the door and we crossed the threshold, the silence still reigning. My eyes took in his house, the order and neatness of it, the complete opposite of me. And despite trying to tell my fears to take a hike, I had to ask him once more. “You’re sure?” The lock clicked and I heard Grayson step toward me. When he came into my line of sight, he was frowning. “Sure about what?” I swallowed roughly before forcing the words out. “You’re sure you want your first time to be with me?” He didn’t get mad like I’d expected, or annoyed like I’d feared. Grayson stepped forward and pried my purse from me before braiding his fingers with

mine. His eyes stayed on mine as he brought each hand up and kissed my knuckles. “It kills me, you know, the way you see yourself. You think I’m going to regret this, regret you, and that’s the furthest thing from the truth.” He paused. “I want all my times to be with you.” My eyes widened and apparently it was his turn to be nervous, because his Adam’s apple bobbed in response. “I don’t want to scare you or anything, I’m just saying this to be honest… I don’t see anyone beyond you, Ellie.” I let out a breath of relief, not even close to scared, and lifted up on my tiptoes, gently settling my lips against his. One of Grayson’s hands moved to the back of my head as his tongue parted my lips. Grayson sighed into my mouth, and the next thing I knew, I was airborne. Grayson chuckled when I squeaked. He held me in his arms as we moved through his house, his lips moving down my neck and his teeth nipping at my collarbone when he got low enough. He paused at the foot of his bed, our heavy breaths filling the room, and set me on my feet. His eyes roamed over my body as he licked his lips. When he finally brought his gaze to mine, I shivered at the raw desire I saw. “Tell me what you like,” he whispered. I felt myself grow wet and I squirmed. Grayson was such

a take-charge kind of person, but he wanted to do things right. He didn’t mind being instructed at first. I stepped back from him and toed off my shoes, and he did the same. I was readying myself to pull my skirt down when his hands covered mine. “Can I?” Without a word, my fingers fell away and his took their place. Grayson slowly slid his hands under the material, his palms gliding down my legs until my skirt pooled on the floor. I shivered as he made his way back up, this time skating up the backs of my thighs. When he was done, his hands settled on my butt. His eyes stayed on mine as he then moved up under my shirt, whipping it over my head quickly. When I could see him again, he was smiling. “I hate losing your eyes.” “My turn,” I croaked. Grayson’s hands cradled my head, his fingers softly running through my hair as I unbuttoned his jeans and dragged them down his legs. He kicked them off, and I slowly freed him of his shirt, discarding it on top of his pants. All that was left was his boxers, and my bra and panties. In the blink of an eye, we’d shed those too. We weren’t touching each other, and I watched as Grayson’s hands fisted at his sides. I felt exhilarated as a thought hit me. I was the first woman he’d ever seen like this. The first woman he had wanted to see like this. Moving to the bed, I sat at the edge and slowly

scooted back. Grayson stalked forward and put a knee on the bed between my legs. I lay down, and his large frame filled my field of vision as he hovered over me. “Kiss me,” I whispered. His mouth immediately met mine, stealing every thought from my head. It was slow and glorious. He gently nibbled my lower lip before soothing it with his tongue. A few minutes later, Grayson moved to my neck, dropping kisses down and across my chest. My nipples were tight and painful in their need for him. Without being told, he sucked one into his mouth and brought his hand up to massage my other breast. “G-Grayson…” I whimpered, lifting my hips and seeking relief. His mouth moved to the other nipple and his hand skated across my stomach before sliding between my legs. The second he started circling my clit, I arched off the bed. He was going torturously slow. My hands flew to his hair as I held him to my chest, tugging in desperation. “Faster,” I begged. “Please…” I felt him grin against my skin before he slid two fingers inside me. My breath caught and I whimpered. His thumb returned to my clit, rubbing so fast my head spun. I cried out at the pleasure, my head thrashing on the bed and my back lifting, seeking out even more.

“God, yes.” I rolled my hips into his hand. “Don’t stop. Don’t—ahhhhhh.” My orgasm caught me by surprise as I flew over the edge and pure bliss radiated down my spine. Grayson groaned when I clenched around his fingers. The pleasure became too much and I started shivering. “I can’t.” I squirmed until he slowed down. He moved off me, watching my chest rise and fall. We stared at each other in complete awe. My eyes were on his hard cock, imagining it inside me, and his eyes had moved low too. “I can see how wet you are.” He started stroking himself. It seemed impossible considering I just came and he wasn’t even touching me, but I was already worked up again. I watched him scramble off the bed and stride to his dresser, tearing open a box of condoms before coming back to me. I shuffled backward until my head rested on a pillow. Suddenly he was over me, his wrapped cock nudging my entrance as he looked down, leaning on his arms next to my head. But before he did more, I felt his fingers dance across my skin, from temple to chin. Then he kissed me, slow and sweet. I didn’t think he knew how to stop being this gentle. Grayson broke away, his eyes trained on mine as he slowly pushed inside. His mouth dropped open, and his expression was filled with so much

raw desire and ecstasy that it took my breath away. When he was fully seated, he closed his eyes. “Ellie, you feel incredible. Does it… does it always feel like this?” he asked, slightly shaky on top of me. I barely remembered the men I’d slept with. But, no, I couldn’t imagine it was ever like this. “No,” I whispered. “I don’t think it does.” “I didn’t think so.” Grayson’s eyes opened, drilling into mine, as he started moving in and out. The look of awe on his face was breathtaking. I lifted my head and looked down, watching him slowly pull out before thrusting back in. We both moaned, and my head fell back as pleasure washed over me. Every single place his skin connected with mine tingled. “Shit, I’m not gonna last long at all,” he bit out. Then his gaze moved down and when he saw my breasts, red and raw from his attention, he lost it. He groaned like he was in pain before he started slamming into me. Knowing he’d beat me, I brought my hand to my clit, but as soon as I touched it my hand was slapped away. Only to be replaced by Grayson’s fingers. He leaned over me, one of his arms back by my head as the other continued circling. He moved faster, his neck corded with tension as he attempted to control the overwhelming feelings inside him. But I didn’t want him to control them; I wanted to

watch him fall apart. I wrapped my arms around him, my nails digging into his shoulders. Seconds later, I was coming, and when my inner walls started choking him, he groaned. His eyes grew wild as his movements became jerky. Then, with one final thrust, he came. I held him as he shuddered and panted into my neck. “Ellie,” he murmured. He gave me a soft kiss below the ear before lifting his head. His expression was one of complete joy. “You look so happy,” I whispered, my fingers trailing over his sated smile. “I am.” He grabbed my hand and kissed each fingertip. “You have no idea.” Our lips met for a few more soft, drugging kisses before he sat up and pulled me off the bed. We shuffled to the bathroom to clean up. “Do you have a washcloth?” I asked. He grabbed one from under his sink and held it under the faucet. But instead of handing it to me, he knelt down in front of me and nudged my legs apart. I felt unreasonably embarrassed considering all we’d done. I also knew there was no way I would get him to let me do it myself. My legs felt like jelly as I spread them, pink tinging my cheeks, when he started cleaning me up. We both finished up a few minutes later and walked back into his room. I looked around at our

discarded clothes. Turning toward Grayson, I asked, “Can I stay here tonight?” A deep frown pulled at his lips. “Where else would you stay? You think after that”—he pointed to the bed—“I’d let you leave to sleep alone?” I grinned and closed the space between us to kiss him. “I need to call Damien. Well, Naomi. Can I borrow a shirt?” He moved over to his dresser and found a dark green one with some park logo on it before tossing it to me. “Hurry back,” he said with a light smack on the ass. I jumped and hurried from the room, giggling. I couldn’t remember a time I’d felt happier. Naomi said she was more than happy to watch Andy, that she assumed she’d be doing so anyway. I hung up and clutched the phone to my chest. The smile on my face was huge as I walked back into the bedroom to find him waiting for me in bed, leaning against the headboard. His eyes roamed over me. “I get it,” he said. “Get what?” I asked as I pulled the covers back and shuffled toward him. Grayson palmed my hip and pulled me flush against him. “How hot it is when your girl wears your shirt.” I grinned even wider. His girl. I liked the sound of that. He kissed the top of my forehead before he

reached over and turned off the lights. I heard Grayson whisper good night as he spooned me. But I was too far gone to respond. His sweet words were the last thing I remembered before sleep pulled me under.

The bed shook with the force of my thrusts. I felt my brows pull down into a V as the tingling started at the base of my spine. Moments later, I was coming, Ellie following close behind me. I fell on my back and threw my arm over my eyes, my skin slick with sweat as I tried to catch my breath. Holy fuck. This was what I’d been missing? I could see what all the fuss was about… But I knew that wasn’t entirely right. It wasn’t just sex. It was sex with Ellie. Sweet, shy Ellie who was growing confident under my lustful stare. I smiled when I felt her soft fingers gliding over my abs and up my chest. She twirled one around my nipple before tweaking it. My smile widened and I lifted my arm. We’d woken up and immediately reached for

each other. I cursed when I had to peel myself away and grab a condom all the way across the room. The location of those would have to change. Thirty minutes later we were coming down from another incredible high. “Hey,” she whispered, resting her chin on my chest. “Hi,” I mumbled, my eyes tracing her face before I lifted my hand and did the same, brushing her hair from her cheek. “I didn’t ask you this last night… but how was it?” Her eyes moved quickly between mine, and her smile was timid. I frowned, my hand pausing, and pretended to think. “Hmm… I don’t know. I think we might have to do it again to be sure. Maybe even a few times.” Ellie was grinning as I flipped her over and sealed my mouth over hers, stealing her laughter. “Seriously, you should call home and tell them not to expect you for a few days. I’m going to call in sick.” “Naomi said we should make this a lazy stayin-bed Sunday, that she could watch Andy.” “I knew I liked her,” I murmured, ducking my head and showering Ellie’s throat with kisses. We both laughed when her stomach growled. I lifted my head. “Hmm… I suppose I should feed you, keep your strength up.”

“You made breakfast last time—” “And I’m making it this time.” I kissed her, quick and sure, before hopping out of bed. Pointing at her, I said, “I mean it. Stay in bed.” She melted back into the pillows. “If you insist.” I couldn’t stop myself from leaning over once more and pressing my lips to hers. I made a pitstop in the bathroom, smiling at the note I’d put on the mirror after she’d fallen asleep last night. Still. But so many other words were floating through my mind. Words like “forever” and “always.” I was serious last night when I told Ellie she was all I saw. She was all I wanted to see. All my life, right up until I met her, I hadn’t believed in fate and soul mates. They were fantasies for children and lies for adults. But just like I’d reconsidered fate, I was starting to reevaluate everything else. Maybe you didn’t believe in soul mates until you found yours. I’d never believed before. Now… I was starting to.

We were in bed, stomachs full and our empty plates discarded on the nightstand. Ellie and I weren’t touching as we lay on our sides and stared at one another. Her long blonde hair was wild around her face, made messy by my hands, and her mouth was chapped from my lips. I could see myself on every inch of her. It still felt like a dream to call her mine. There was no reason for Ellie and me to have met. I talked about our well-informed choices leading us where we wanted to go. But how could I explain something like this? I didn’t consciously know my decisions would lead me here, and there were so many other little things that had nothing to do with me, but that brought me here. What if Damien never called Steve? What if my brother said no when Damien asked for my number? What if Damien hadn’t called me when she’d slipped up? What if he’d just wanted to keep my number on file? What if Damien had randomly been home instead of Ellie that first day? What if… What if… What if… All those things I had no control over. I’d made choices that I couldn’t possibly have known would lead me here. Was that what fate was? This feeling of being at the right moment, at the right time, even though you have no clue how you got here? “Do you believe in fate?” I suddenly asked. “Yes.” She didn’t even think about it.

“Why? I mean… what do you think when you think about it?” I shook my head. “I used to think fate was a myth people held on to, either because they wanted to justify their failings, or let their successes be signs that they must be good people. Surely good fortune from the universe wouldn’t come to them unless they were decent human beings. Maybe my belief was convenient because it confirmed what I was feeling, that I could have helped Taylor and failed.” Ellie opened her mouth to respond, but I put my finger over her lips. “I need to finish.” She nodded, and I dropped my hand to find hers. “Lately I’ve found myself wondering if fate is real, but I still think about Taylor… about her fate. How was what happened to her fair? Destined? Why would a higher being demand a fate so short and painful for someone so wonderful?” Ellie scooted closer, wrapping one arm around my waist, her other hand settling on my chest. “I don’t have a clear answer. It may not even make sense.” “I want to hear it.” “Maybe fate doesn’t have anything to do with the trials and tribulations of the world,” she whispered. “Maybe the world just is, and life’s hard no matter what. I’ve always thought fate was about finding the people who make suffering through it a little easier. Breaking is kind of inevitable, but I

think we break the way we’re meant to, and fate is about finding the person our broken pieces fit with.” My mind was still muddled with what fate might mean, but her words settled something inside me, and my heart raced with the overwhelming love I felt. The only thing I could do was kiss her. I wasn’t sure either of us were ready for the words, but maybe she could feel all my love in this kiss. The truth of how important and smart and beautiful and wonderful she was. Maybe a kiss could be more than lips touching; maybe it could be a salve to her wounds and a promise of what I’d give her in the future. Maybe it was how our broken pieces became whole.

GRAYSON

where we were going. He only said to make sure Andy and I were ready at five o’clock, and not to eat dinner. I couldn’t really control my son but I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so I was starving. Andy was downstairs playing with Naomi while I finished packing his bag and grabbing fresh clothes to change him into. At the sound of a knock I jogged downstairs, my smile widening with each step. My gaze had been on my feet so I didn’t trip, but my head snapped up and I came to an abrupt halt when I hit the bottom. Damien and Grayson were standing there staring at me. Damien with a smirk and Grayson with a soft smile. My face flamed as I thought about how goofy happy I probably looked coming down the stairs. “Hi.” “You ready to go?” Grayson asked quietly. “Almost. I just have to put Andy’s clothes on.” WOULDN’T TELL ME

I walked into the family room and lifted him from his blanket where he lay next to Naomi on the floor. Naomi rolled over and grinned up at me, spreading her arms and legs as if she was making a snow angel. My brother came to a stop beside me and smiled down at his fiancée. I was moving toward the stairs when I felt a hand on my waist. Looking over my shoulder at Grayson, I raised an eyebrow. He squeezed once before letting go and grabbing my hand. “I’ll help you,” he said, pulling me up the stairs. We didn’t speak as Grayson dressed Andy in a blue onesie and put his tiny black Vans on. I stood leaning against the doorjamb and watched him lift my son into the air, a wide smile on both their faces. “You ready to have an adventure?” Andy kicked his chubby legs and giggled at Grayson’s question. “Is that an affirmative?” “I’ve come to interpret it that way.” Grayson turned around at my words and brought Andy to rest on his hip. He held his hand out for the bag, but I waved him away. “I can carry it. You don’t have to do it all.” I turned my back on him to grab it when his arm snaked around me and easily picked it up. “I know you can carry it, and I know I don’t have to,” he whispered against my ear. “I want to help you.” Shivering at the way his breath hit my

skin, I nodded and let go of the strap I’d been holding on to. Before he could make it far, I grabbed Andy’s lion and stuffed it in the bag. Grayson grinned down at his old toy before starting for the stairs. When we got back to the family room Damien had joined Naomi on the floor. Except he was on top of her, her hands pinned over her head, as they made out like teenagers. They were always big on PDA, especially Damien, but it’d gotten out of control since they got engaged. As soon as Naomi let out a moan, I covered one of Andy’s ears and gently shoved his head against Grayson’s shoulder to block out the noise. “Really?” I hissed at them. Grayson chuckled as I quickly opened the door and shoved him through it. I locked up while he went to the car and got Andy situated. He was still laughing when I got to him, securing the last strap of the car seat. “I feel like I’m living on the set of a porno.” “They can’t be that bad.” Grayson shut the back door before stepping around me to open mine. “They are,” I assured him, sliding into my seat and buckling up. Once he was in and turning the car on, I continued, “They’re considerate at first. But every time I leave the room I come back to find one of them on top of the other. We were watching a movie last week and I had to go to the bathroom. Three minutes, Grayson. I was gone for

three minutes, and when I came back Naomi’s sweater was off and she was straddling my brother.” I shuddered, swatting Grayson when he started laughing again. I wasn’t really annoyed—far from it. Yes, seeing Damien and Naomi in various states of undress these last few weeks hadn’t been pleasant, but I couldn’t be too angry when it kept making my normally serious boyfriend smile so much. “So I’m guessing you didn’t get to finish the movie?” “No.” I huffed. “And I was really enjoying it, too.” He grinned, reaching over and wrapping his hand around mine. The drive was quiet, but never once uncomfortable, until we stopped in front of a large white house. “Where are we anyway?” My voice shook. Something about this gave me a bad feeling. “It’s my birthday.” My head whipped back around. “What? Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t have a gift. That’s twice now, I’m like the world’s worst girlfriend…” I groaned and dropped my head into my hands. He chuckled, grabbing my wrists and freeing my face. “No. You’re a good mother who doesn’t happen to be psychic.” “Well I’m getting you a real gift this time. It’ll just be late.”

“Fine.” “But seriously, what’s with the house?” I pointed over my shoulder. “Before I say anything, promise you won’t freak out.” I swallowed nervously. “You know a surefire way to get someone to freak out? You make them promise not to.” Grayson laughed with me, but mine was really more of a nervous chuckle. He was smart and caught on quickly, his expression quickly sobering. “This is my parents’ place. My family is inside waiting for us.” “What?” I yelled. I shut my eyes when Andy suddenly woke up and started wailing. I couldn’t reach him because he was facing back, but I tried to gently rock the car seat. “Mommy’s sorry, buddy. Don’t cry.” After he settled down, the silence felt unbearably heavy. I kept my eyes on the top of my son’s head, but I could feel Grayson’s stare on me. With a sigh, I pulled back and faced forward. The silence continued. Mine because I was counting all the ways this would go wrong, and I assumed Grayson was giving me time to process. I stared at the house again. It looked like the kind of place where kids had the perfect childhood. I knew from Grayson’s past that that wasn’t the case. I knew things weren’t always what they seemed. My

house probably looked the same way to people. So I knew that a pretty facade could easily cover the horrors within. But Grayson had told me other stories, stories about how united his family was, how close they were. “Ellie.” His voice was soft, gentle, coaxing, and his overwhelming concern was apparent in just those two syllables. “Parents don’t really like me,” I whispered, my gaze still on the house. Grayson reached over and gently gripped my chin, slowly turning my head toward him. “I’m sorry for not telling you. I wasn’t trying to deceive you. At least not maliciously.” His gaze reverently moved over me. “I’ve seen your confidence grow so much over the past few months. It’s been a beautiful and amazing thing to watch. I wouldn’t be taking you to meet them if I didn’t think you could handle it. The only reason I didn’t tell you about it was so you wouldn’t spend all day worrying.” Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and let his words strengthen me. Naomi had said something similar a few days ago. It was time I started believing in it. I wasn’t being given much of a choice now, but I needed this push. My eyes fluttered open and I nodded my head. “Okay, thank you.” “You’ll be fine.” He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. “Should we make up a

code word? In case you want to bail?” I shook my head. I could do this. I would do this. We silently got out of the car, Grayson grabbing Andy’s bag while I unbuckled him from his seat. “Should I bring the car seat in?” “It’s not necessary. My older brother has a twoyear-old and with the number of siblings I have, my parents are keeping everything for future grandchildren. I told my mom about him, so I’m sure she has a high chair out.” Nodding, I shut the door. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a rush of warmth in my chest, knowing they were already trying to accept Andy without even knowing us. Grayson came up beside me, and I shuddered when his hand fell to the small of my back. “Ready?” I took a deep breath. Yes, I was.

“Hi, Ellie.” My mom was smiling wide as she stepped forward and hugged my girlfriend. “It’s so great to finally meet you.” She squeezed before

pulling back. “Grayson,” she said, my name rolling off her tongue with disdain. “Hadn’t even told us your name.” Ellie’s limbs locked. I could read her body language pretty well, but anyone would be able to tell she was nervous about that last statement. The problem was I could never follow her train of thought. Her insecurities messed with her mind and provided no clear, logical path to her worries. “It’s just like him,” another voice said, drawing our attention to the top of the stairs where my second-eldest sister, who was, at twenty-eight, two years older than me, was walking down. Veronica’s heels slapped against the steps, and I looked over to see Ellie staring at her with stars in her eyes. I could understand her envy. My sister undoubtedly was poised and graceful. Beauty pageants throughout school taught her to be. And her everyday life as a fashion designer in Paris meant she constantly had even more practice. Ellie had this habit of looking at someone who she thought was complete, and comparing herself. She couldn’t do that. If she were to compare herself to my sister when Veronica was just starting her career, when she was at the crossroads of finding herself, Ellie would see that Veronica went through the same things she did. Fear. Doubt. Insecurities. It was natural to compare, but we were all at various stages of being complete, and in thousands

of different ways. People were far too complex and unique to waste time comparing. “Hi.” She came to a stop at the bottom and held out her hand. “I’m Veronica.” “Nice to meet you,” Ellie said as she shook my sister’s hand. “You too.” Veronica threw a hand toward me. “Grayson always kept his favorite things hidden, like if he showed the world someone might take it from him. His favorite toys, books, clothes, pens. Everything. Once he even tried to hide the new family puppy. Thankfully Dad saw him before he locked Misty in the trunk by the foot of his bed.” Ellie blushed and the tension in her shoulders melted away, hopefully along with whatever she had been worried about. “Hey, I was young,” I said as I reached for Ellie, wrapping my arm around her shoulders, careful not to hit Andy’s head. He caught the movement and reached for my fingers, bringing one to his mouth and giggling around it. “And who’s this handsome devil?” my mom asked as she tickled Andy’s stomach. “This is my son, Andy.” Ellie spoke with so much pride, and my mother looked close to tearing up. She quickly shook it off and held her hand out to Ellie. “Dinner’s almost ready. Why don’t you come meet everyone?” She ushered her away from me.

Ellie shot me a nervous smile over her shoulder as they left Veronica and me alone in the foyer. “So that’s her.” “Yes.” She grinned, not the least bit put out by my short reply. “Just don’t try to lock her away too. Humans need air and water and…” I lightly pinched her arm. Veronica laughed as her words faded—words she’d copied from Dad when he sat down with all of us and discussed what having a puppy meant. “I’m surprised you were able to make it on such short notice. The plane ticket had to be a fortune,” I said. She smiled and squeezed my arm. “But seeing my little brother happy again? Priceless.” It was a joke, but I still felt shitty. “I’m sorry for —” “Hey,” she cut me off. “I get it. Maybe not all of us do, all of the time, but we know your distance was never about not loving us.” She straightened. “That’s the last we’re going to talk about it. It’s your birthday, and our only discussions will be joyous ones. So let’s go, lover boy.” She weaved her arm through mine and walked us to the kitchen. When we entered my eyes immediately went to Ellie. She looked overwhelmed as my father introduced everyone. It was understandable. There was one husband, one

wife, one boyfriend, and five children between my six siblings. My two nieces who were here at Christmas ran toward me and started talking my ear off about everything and anything. “Now those two are Brad’s daughters. Brad is Grayson’s older brother. He’s a detective a couple cities away,” I heard my dad say. “Stephanie, that beautiful blonde right over there, is the oldest kid. She’ll always be my baby, even though at the age of thirty-four, she insists she’s not my little girl anymore. She’s a prosecutor in New York. She, her husband, and their three children made a special trip out here since they couldn’t in December. And…” On and on he went. I saw Ellie’s hand twitch against Andy’s back. Thankfully my mom swooped in and threw her arm over Ellie’s shoulder. “Don’t be intimidated, honey. I still forget who they are.” She looked across my girlfriend and eyed me up and down. “Which one are you again?” I narrowed my eyes, but when Ellie started laughing I couldn’t help but smile. An idea suddenly came to me and I stepped away, grabbing a pen and a piece of paper from our junk drawer. When I was finished I walked back over to Ellie. “Here you go.” I held the sheet out to her. She took it with furrowed brows, and I looked over her shoulder as she read it.

Stephanie (age 34): NYC Prosecutor. Married with two boys and a baby girl. Brad (age 31): Phoenix Detective. Married with two girls. Veronica (age 28): Fashion designer in Paris. No significant other. Steve (age 22): A senior at Carillo University, majoring in finance. Girlfriend (not present). Anthony (age 21): In the police academy. No significant other. Mary (age 19): A freshman at Carillo University, major undecided. Boyfriend. Margaret (age 55): Retired prosecutor. Jerry (age 57): Retired police chief. “Does that help?” Ellie looked back at me, smiling. “Yeah,” she whispered. “Thank you.” My mother gasped as she looked on. “You never reveal a woman’s age without her permission.” Ellie giggled again, and I didn’t think I’d ever loved my mother more. “Why don’t you three go relax? I just need to finish a few things.” She squeezed Ellie’s arm before walking to a cabinet. Standing on her tiptoes, she tried to reach for a dish. “Jerry, would you mind?” she asked, falling back on her heels with a huff.

“‘Course, Mar.” He walked toward her with a smile. Placing a hand on her hip, he reached over her and grabbed the plate. My father handed it off to her before kissing the corner of her mouth. “Thank you.” She smiled at him and cupped his cheek. Then she moved to the stove and started scooping the mashed potatoes onto the plate. When my dad saw Ellie staring, he walked over and leaned against the counter. She looked up at his tall frame as he bent down toward her and whispered, “I put the dish up high so Margaret has to ask for my help.” Ellie smiled—thankfully, no one seemed put out by the fact she wasn’t saying much—before my father winked and walked away. I grabbed Ellie’s hand, pulling her to the dining room so we could have a minute alone before they descended. “How are you? Are you okay?” I immediately asked. “Yeah. Your family seems really nice, especially your mom.” Her eyes filled with tears right before she looked down at Andy, and I knew she was thinking about her own mother. I reached for her hand, wrapping it in mine and holding it tight. “She likes you,” I said softly. “You think?” “I know.” I wanted to say more but the kids started trickling in, followed by everyone else. Brad

helped my parents bring the dishes in while Veronica corralled the children into their seats. My mother was smiling as she pulled a high chair up next to Ellie’s chair. Andy looked around with wide, curious eyes as she set him down, shaking out her arms from holding him for so long. Dinner started shortly after, and even though it was my birthday and Ellie was a new person they could interrogate, my entire family could clearly see she preferred to be an observer. They only asked her a few questions, but whenever they were telling stories they made sure to look at her. She laughed along with them, but the first time she interjected on her own, it surprised everyone. “You don’t talk to me nearly as much as you do everyone else,” Mary complained to me as she shoveled a forkful of broccoli into her mouth. I rolled my eyes. “Your text messages are half emojis. I have no clue what you’re saying half the time.” “Hey, I like emojis,” Ellie said with a slap to my arm. It wasn’t until it grew eerily silent that she realized how freely she’d spoken. Her face heated, and my mom quickly turned to her youngest daughter. “Hopefully that will change now that Grayson has found his better half.” “It better.” Mary narrowed her eyes in the most

unintimidating way possible. Ellie didn’t say much after that, but she was still included, and after dinner was over she surprised me when she asked my mom if she could help with dishes. “I’d love that. Thank you, honey.” “Would you mind watching Andy?” I nodded, struck mute. Then she reached up and kissed me on the corner of my mouth, pulling away with a shy smile, before darting off after my mother. Lifting Andy up, I brought him into the main room where the other kids were rolling around on the ground. I went to his diaper bag and grabbed my lion. His head had fallen to my shoulder and he was close to passing out, but he still reached for the stuffed animal, shoving it under his chin as I sat in the recliner and rubbed his back, watching the others play. “You’re good with him,” Stephanie noted. “I’m trying to be.” Smiling, she leaned forward and squeezed my knee. “You are. I can tell.” Resting my head back against the chair, I closed my eyes and gently rocked us until I was in danger of nodding off as well. “Tuuuuuuurd.” “Buttmuncher.” “Nutbob.” “It’s nut job.”

“Whatever.” I tried to tune out my two nephews as they stood in front of me. I was succeeding until one of them kicked my shin. A big part of me wanted to scare them, but I couldn’t do that without waking up Andy. Instead, I slowly opened my eyes, all while keeping my lips in a flat line. As I shifted my stare between them, they looked at each other before running away, their own high-pitched laughter following them. Stephanie shook her head with a small smile. “Boys, what can you do?” she asked with a shrug. Head tilted down toward Andy, I whispered, “You’ll be so much better than them.” “And that is what every parent thinks about his or her kid, but just you wait.” She was full-on laughing now. But I didn’t join her—I was too caught up in what she’d said. Did I think of Andy as mine? Undoubtedly. The realization was both exhilarating and terrifying. It wasn’t even that I wanted him to be mine, but he truly felt like mine. If Ellie wanted nothing more to do with me—and as God awful as it’d be to lose just her—I would lose him too. It was a strange feeling, for someone to feel like they belonged to you even though they didn’t. “Excuse me,” I mumbled, carrying Andy

toward the kitchen where my mom and Ellie should be nearly done. I stopped right before I rounded the corner when I heard my mother’s soft voice. “What worries you, Ellie?” she asked. I imagined my girlfriend biting her lip, struggling with revealing something so personal to a virtual stranger. “I can’t change the world and make everyone else accept him, can I?” She sounded dejected, her voice getting softer, and I had to shuffle closer to the wall so I could continue to listen. “No, you can’t. And as a parent, nothing hurts like not being able to shield your child from the world’s ugliness. But experiencing that is also a part of life. It’s unavoidable. You did. Grayson did. And unfortunately Andy will, too.” I held him tighter, as if I could reject her words, before peeking around the corner. I watched my mom gently grab Ellie’s shoulders. “The problem is you’ve both been waiting for other people, whether it’s society or your family, to tell you it’s okay to be who you are. And maybe you’re looking for that validation from people you know will never give it to you, because you feel you’re not enough. You don’t want to be accepted.” My brows furrowed as Ellie frowned and said, “That makes no sense.” “Exactly,” she said with a patient smile, letting

go of her shoulders. Ellie’s gaze went to the ground as she worried her bottom lip, thinking over my mom’s words. She went still and as if she felt me standing there, her head slowly turned my way. Our eyes met and I froze, hoping she wouldn’t be mad at me. I’d purposefully eavesdropped, there was no other explanation for it, and I wasn’t going to insult her by offering her one. Thankfully she smiled and walked toward me. “Hey, there.” “Hi. You okay?” I asked. “Yeah. Your mom’s given me a lot to think about.” “She usually does,” I said with a grin. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw my mom walking toward us as she dried her hands on a dishrag. When her movement slowed, I looked toward her and found her eyes on Andy. “Is that…?” She trailed off as she pointed to the lion, half of its ear in his mouth. “Yeah, it is,” Ellie said. “It’s his favorite toy.” My mom had tears in her eyes, but she quickly shook her head. “Look at me, getting all emotional. Are you ready for dessert?” Looking at the clock, I saw it was just shy of nine. “Actually, could we get it to go? I don’t want to keep waking him up,” I said as I stroked his head. Ellie straightened and her eyes nervously

shifted between us. “We can stay. I don’t want to ruin—” I cut her off by resting one of my fingers against her lips. “You ruin nothing, Ellie.” Her lips tightened beneath my finger. “I’d actually be grateful if you took him off my hands,” my mom said. “Thanks.” My tone was dry, but somehow it made both women smile wider. Just then one of Stephanie’s sons came running in, screaming. His brother was close behind, chasing him with a stuffed toy in his hand. “ARGGGG. I’m gonna get you.” My gaze moved to Ellie, waiting for her to recognize the toy she gave me almost eight months ago. Her wide eyes flew to mine as they zipped by her and ran back into the family room. “Was that…?” “The mouse you knitted? Yep.” She chuckled, her eyes growing wet, and shook her head. “What the heck?” “I told you I was going to give it to them. I shipped it to Stephanie months ago.” “You made that?” my mom asked excitedly. Ellie’s confused eyes shifted between us. “I did, but… I messed it up. It was worthless.” “Nonsense. My grandsons love it. They call it The Demon.” We all chuckled as the noises in the other room got louder. My mother’s expression

grew somber. “Nothing’s useless, Ellie. It’s just not in its rightful place.” She squeezed Ellie’s shoulders. “That goes for people, too.” My girlfriend swallowed roughly as she nodded. “I’m starting to see that.” “Now, let me wrap up the dessert so you guys can go.” She shuffled toward the fridge. “Grayson has a bit of a sweet tooth. He rarely allows himself to indulge, but red velvet with cream cheese frosting is his favorite.” Ellie tried to keep up with my mom’s rapid change in topics. “Oh. I had one at Christmas. They were delicious.” “Thank you.” My mother beamed. I smiled as my family’s laughter rang from the other room. Andy was in my arms, and I pulled Ellie into my side. It was the best birthday I’d ever had.

Later that night, after Andy was in bed, Ellie and I were sitting on my couch. The birthday presents from my family were on the table in front of us, untouched. They knew how awkward I felt opening

gifts in front of other people so I always unwrapped them alone. This year I was going to open them with Ellie. A lot of things had changed this birthday. Ellie had haphazardly stuck the candle through the frosting and when she lit it, I found I didn’t even care that it was lopsided. Then, for the first time in years, I made a wish. Please let me keep them. We were finishing off one of the four cupcakes my mom had given us, when my eyes moved to the clock, seeing it was a few minutes past midnight. Turning back to Ellie, I grabbed her hand and laced our fingers. “We’ve known each other for exactly one year.” Her eyes widened. “Really?” “Yes. We met today, March 7.” “You remember the day we met?” she asked, disbelief coloring her tone. Not like she thought I was lying, but she was still adjusting to the idea that she could be the center of someone’s universe. Nodding, I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “But in the spirit of full disclosure, since it was the day after my birthday it wasn’t too hard to remember.” She shuffled closer, her smile not dimming, as she ate the last of the cake. A bit of frosting was left behind on her lip. Without a word, I leaned

forward and swiped my tongue until it was gone. “What did you do last year? If you weren’t talking to them?” she asked once our lips separated. My eyes ran over her face, wondering if I should tell her the truth. I didn’t consider long—I’d always tell her the truth. “I worked.” Looking toward the counter in the kitchen, I nodded my head and said, “And then I sat there and ate my cupcake. Alone.” Ellie’s hand cupped my cheek, turning my head back to her. She was frowning with tears in her eyes. I grabbed her wrist and kissed her palm. “Don’t feel sorry for me. If anything that should show you just how much of an impact you’ve had on my life. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” I pulled her to me as her tears fell. Then I kissed her, running my tongue over every inch of her mouth, tasting red velvet and a sweetness that only came from Ellie. Her salty tears ran between our lips, but they merely heightened my happiness because I knew they came from overwhelming love. After a few minutes, she leaned back with a goofy grin on her face. “Let’s go to bed.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her back for one more kiss. It was a simple kiss. No tongue, just one soft sweep of my lips against hers. It wasn’t the kind of kiss that should have my blood boiling. It shouldn’t make me lose my mind

or instantly crave more. But that was exactly what it did. I later realized it wasn’t the kiss itself. It could have been just her breath hitting my lips, no contact at all, and I’d constantly be craving more. It was Ellie. And I’d always want more.

I WOKE UP DISORIENTED. I recognized the soft cries that sounded to my left, but I was unfamiliar with everything else. The dark gray walls, the black satin sheets, the hairy leg I’d just kicked… Awareness flooded me as I rolled over and saw Grayson lying next to me. I was still getting used to waking here even though I’d spent almost every night here for the past two weeks. Naomi and Damien were enjoying the continued alone time and as much as I was afraid to admit it, Grayson’s house felt as synonymous with home as my brother’s. He was still asleep, so I quickly reached over and muted the baby monitor before Andy woke him. Silence blanketed the room as I carefully crawled out of bed, leaving Grayson to sleep. Andy was low maintenance this morning. After a quick bottle and burping him, I put him back in his crib. I could have crawled back into bed as well, but seeing as it was almost seven o’clock, I decided to stay up and make breakfast for Grayson for

once. And that was where he found me when he woke up fifteen minutes later. I was standing at the counter and cutting up a pineapple, when I felt his palms land on my waist. They effortlessly slid around and pulled me back into his strong, warm body. We were both still wearing what we went to bed in. Him: Drawstring pants and a fitted T-shirt. Me: Thigh-high socks and a loose T-shirt. “Morning,” I whispered. He didn’t respond as he peppered soft kisses down my neck. My hair was pulled up into a loose bun on the top of my head, giving him easy access. Knuckles gripping the counter, I closed my eyes when his hand slipped underneath my shirt. Grayson’s hand was so large it spanned my entire stomach, his pinky flirting with the edge of my boy-short panties while his thumb brushed the underside of my boob. I was torn between wanting his hand to go higher and lower. It was amazing how quickly he could turn me on, almost without even trying. I rejoiced when his hand shifted lower, only to groan when it landed on my thigh and slowly slid down toward the end of my sock. His other palm fell to the opposite leg, mirroring its movements. Grayson’s lips hovered by my ear. “Do you know how many times I fantasized about you?” he asked, low and tortured. I quickly shook my head,

waiting for what he’d do next. “Hmmm, so you probably aren’t aware…” He trailed off, his fingers teasing the top of my thighhighs, slipping under and stroking the skin. “A-aware of what?” I managed to get out. My head was pitched forward, eyes on the abandoned knife and fruit. His lips moved to my cheek, and I felt him smile against my skin before he placed a gentle kiss there. Then he slowly dragged his mouth toward my ear before answering. “How many times I saw you in these socks”— he paused while his fingers, still underneath the material, skirted around my leg until he was stroking the skin on the back of my thighs—“and wanted to drop to my knees? To bury my face between your legs while you wore nothing else?” My breath hitched. No. I had definitely not been aware of that. He gripped the end of my T-shirt and waited. I didn’t have to look at him to know he was asking for permission. I quickly nodded and helped him remove it, feeling the bite of the cool air as it met my skin. The shirt floated to the ground and I stood before Grayson in only my thigh-highs and boy shorts. His fingers ghosted over my back, exploring. After a few minutes he removed his hands, but I didn’t have to mourn the loss for long before he grabbed my hips, pulling me even further away from the island. I shuffled back, hitting the opposite

counter, when he said, “Hold on.” Taking a deep breath, I gripped the edge and waited. When he got on his knees, mine almost buckled at the look he was giving me. His eyes flared as he stared up at my naked breasts. I personally never thought my A-cup boobs were much to fawn over. Except for being pregnant, I had been thin my entire life. Some even called me gangly. Having a child didn’t change that. Three months after I gave birth I returned to my former size, plus a few stretch marks. I’d be lying if I said standing nearly naked in front of Grayson like this didn’t make me nervous. Of course he’d seen me already, quite a few times. Never in the daylight though, where every flaw was highlighted. But the second I saw the look in his eyes, that fear dissolved and arousal took its place. He was looking at me like I was perfect. He smirked at the expression on my face— undisguised lust—before shuffling forward, still on his knees. The smile fell and his hands rose until he was stroking the skin above my panties. Leaning in, he kissed one of my faded stretch marks. “You’re not embarrassed, are you?” he asked, gently tracing the pale pink line. I could tell he wasn’t asking because he thought I should be. “No,” I whispered, one of my hands leaving the counter to run through his hair. “I don’t regret

anything having to do with Andy. I’d proudly wear stretch marks all over my face if it meant I had him.” Grayson smiled up at me. “And you’d still be beautiful.” I felt my blush all the way to my toes. It turned into an entirely different kind of flush when his hands moved lower. My breath caught and my heart hammered as they slid around and down, until he was cupping my butt beneath my underwear. I whimpered, my hand tightening in his hair, when his fingers dug into my skin. His patience was fading as he dragged my panties down my legs and flung them behind him, leaving me in only my baby pink thigh-highs. With ease, he lifted my leg and hooked it over his shoulder, and started eating me out like he’d been doing it for years. There was nothing slow about it, and the immediate pressure had my back arching and my legs shaking. “Oh God,” I moaned. My fingers twisted, tugging on his hair, until my legs gave out and I fell back on my elbows. There was a bit of pain at the contact, but I didn’t care. “Are you okay?” “Don’t stop,” I panted as I tightened my legs around him. He laughed even as his eyes flared with desire, and then I couldn’t think about anything else when he put his mouth back on me. The closer I got to my orgasm, the less I

cared… about anything. I shamelessly ground down on his face. Embarrassment might have touched me, even in my blissed-out state, if not for the way his eyes heated and his fingers dug deeper into my skin, pulling me closer. He seemed to want as little space between us as possible, and I didn’t disagree. “G-Grayson…” At the sound of his name, he groaned against me, sending delicious vibrations through me. One of his hands fell to my bare thigh, shifting lower until his fingers flirted with the edge of my socks. “I’m close,” I mumbled, just as he swirled his tongue around my clit before sucking… hard. I cried out, wave after delicious wave rolling over me. He was relentless, wringing out as much of my pleasure as he could. “Oh God, I c-can’t…” I whimpered. Grayson finally slowed. My eyes fell shut and I tipped my head back, a sated smile on my face. He stood up, pressing kisses against my skin as he went, until his mouth met mine. After a few drugging kisses, he pulled away and whispered, “Morning.” “You know, for someone who…” I stumbled over my words. Quickly clearing my throat, I finished, “… has never done that before, you were pretty good at it.” His hand slid around my neck, kneading the

back of it. “I love to study. And guess what my new favorite subject is? You.” I shivered as he kissed my cheek. “Your pleasure.” Another kiss to the corner of my mouth. The smile that spread across my lips quickly dropped when his hand found its way between my legs. “Your moans,” he said, eliciting that very thing. “Your—” He cut himself off when Andy started crying. Grayson chuckled. “At least he was considerate enough to wait until I’d finished.” Shaking my head with a laugh, I pushed him back, quickly grabbing my discarded clothes and pulling them back on. Grayson walked by, heading toward the fridge, and paused to squeeze my hip. “Why don’t you grab him while I finish breakfast?” I frowned, looking back at the discarded cutting board. “It was my turn to feed you.” “You did, and it was the best meal I’ve ever had.” I rolled my eyes and turned around. “I walked right into that one.” He grinned. “You sure did.” Andy’s screams grew louder, and I pulled away. “Hurry back,” he called as I walked down the hallway with the goofiest grin on my face. Everything was perfect.

Until it wasn’t…

“All units, we have a ten-thirty-one in progress, commercial burglary at 9620 E. Monroe.” My hand was already reaching for the sirens when my partner said, “That’s only two blocks from here.” Nodding, I began weaving in and out of traffic as Brody responded to the dispatcher, telling her we were on our way. We were there in minutes, hopping out of the car and approaching the drugstore with our guns drawn. “HURRY!” Our backs were flush against the walls outside the door. I peeked around the corner and assessed the scene. Two perps. One had a handgun pointed at the cashier, who was crying as she shoved the cash into a sack. The gunman’s arm was shaking, and I’d bet anything that upon closer inspection I’d find several more signs of a junkie. His partner was equally jumpy. He had a gun pointed at an older couple huddled against the back wall. Leaning in just a bit, I looked at the large security mirror in the

corner and noted there was no one else in the store. My back hit the wall again as I looked at Brody. I quickly relayed what I knew: the number of perpetrators, number of hostages, and what they were carrying. With a quick nod, we entered, guns raised at each perp. “Police! Freeze!” Brody shouted. “Drop your weapons,” I calmly instructed, my eyes dead set on the gunman aiming at the couple. Now that I was closer and looking longer than a couple seconds, I could see he was shaking badly. There were sores on his arms and panic in his eyes. “C’mon, guys. No one’s gotten hurt. Let’s keep it that way,” my partner tried to reason with them. Mine was close to caving: his arm was still raised, but his gun was angled at the hostages’ feet. “A-A-Al…” the guy I had my gun trained on stuttered. “I don’t…” He didn’t finish as he slowly lowered his gun to the ground. The second the metal made contact, all hell broke loose. “Coward!” Al yelled, turning and firing at his friend. He only got two shots off before Brody shot him once in the chest. The two of us moved forward quickly yet carefully, just as I heard backup arrive. I secured the gun before searching for where he was hit. The one who’d lowered his weapon looked up at me, pale as a ghost, shaking his head.

“He m-missed.” That wasn’t too surprising. “Sarah! Sarah!” I looked over and saw… shit! He missed his “friend,” but managed to hit the woman. The man was leaning over her and shouting her name over and over. “Cuff him and call a bus,” I instructed one of the backup officers who had just arrived before moving over to the couple. My feet froze when I truly saw them for the first time. I’d been too focused on the gunmen before. I’d only seen the couple one other time, but I’d never forget them. How did you forget the people who made the woman you love cry? Who’d made her feel like a failure? Or unimportant? You didn’t. But I had to put that aside and do my job. I moved forward, assessing her. She was on her back, going in and out of consciousness. There was blood on her pristine white shirt. I quickly found the source, a slug on the right side of her chest, below her shoulder, and began applying pressure. “Was she hit anywhere else?” I asked while still looking for another possible injury. “No, no. The other one went into the wall.” He pointed up and my gaze followed, confirming what he said. “Ma’am? Can you hear me?” I increased the pressure as her eyelids fluttered closed.

“SARAH!” the man screamed again. I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like the bullet had missed anything vital. I didn’t say anything though; I continued pressing my hand to her chest while I listened to the chaos around me. My eyes zeroed in on her. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a bun so tight it was barely disheveled despite the circumstances. She—Sarah —was wearing pearls, a tight skirt that stopped halfway down her calves, and I imagined her white blouse had been perfectly ironed before all this. She was the type of woman who always looked put together. I’d gathered that much at the grocery store all those months ago. But one circumstance was all it took to undo it. Why hadn’t she seen it was the same way for Ellie? And instead of trying to stop the unraveling of Ellie’s life, she made it fray more, tugging on the ends until the fabric of who her daughter was was practically unrecognizable. “I glanced away for a second,” I heard Brody say. I imagined my partner was explaining how “Al” had managed to fire off two shots before he reacted. The rest of the conversation was lost on me as the paramedics arrived. I stepped back and gave them room, but my gaze stayed on her. A few seconds later Sarah regained consciousness, her stare meeting mine. I looked down into a pair of hazel eyes, so similar to the

ones I stared at every single day. These were harder —even now, in this vulnerable position, there wasn’t any warmth to them. But there was recognition. The rest happened in a blur. There was paperwork to fill out and statements to make, and by the time it was all done, I was beyond exhausted. The only thing I wanted was to go back to my house, where Ellie and Andy were. She’d wanted to stay over and make me breakfast since I was working a night shift. It was four in the morning right now, so she was asleep and wouldn’t notice if I was late. I’d debated on what to do for only a couple seconds before deciding I needed to talk to Damien. The car was in park—I was so shaken I didn’t even check to see if it was parallel with the sidewalk—in front of his house when I dialed his number. My thigh bounced, hitting my keychain every few seconds. The call was edging toward his voice mail when he finally picked up. His voice sounded groggy as he muttered, “Hello?” “It’s me.” I heard the ruffling of sheets and a soft, “I’ll be right back” before he came back on. “Grayson?” “Yeah.” I was staring out the window, looking at the world around me with new eyes. It felt

strange that everything would be the same when on the inside, nothing felt similar. Your whole world could change, and yet everything went on like nothing ever had. “Where are you?” He sounded more alert now, his voice moving toward panic. “Are Ellie and Andy okay? Is—” “They’re fine. I’m outside.” Damien was quiet as I saw the front porch light turn on out of the corner of my eye. I looked over in time to see the curtain covering the front window fall into place a second before the door opened. I didn’t know who hung up first, but when he came out he didn’t have a phone and mine was already discarded in the passenger seat. Slamming the door, I looked over at Damien. His long blond hair was disheveled around his face, and his sweatpants and T-shirt were rumpled. He looked exactly like you’d expect, until you looked at his face. Jaw tightened and eyes hard, he seemed to be bracing himself. “Grayson, I’m trying to stay calm, but you’re freaking me the fuck out.” “It’s your mother.” He crossed his tattooed arms over his chest, the only indicator of his worry the slight flare to his eyes. “What about her?” “My partner and I responded to a call earlier. It was an armed burglary at a drugstore uptown. Your

parents were there. One of the gunmen ended up shooting and caught your mother in the shoulder.” I pointed out the area, a little lower than the shoulder; it had been closer to her chest, but saying that made it sound worse than it was. “The paramedics told us that barring complications, she should be okay.” I waited for a reaction, but Damien was like a statue. Truthfully I wasn’t sure what he should be feeling. What was the appropriate response to something like this? Their parents had been out of their lives for years, and the two times they’d spoken to them in the last year had ended with Ellie’s tears. But they were still their parents. At what point did blood stop being important? With every disregarded feeling, every cruel word tossed out, and every piece of her heart that broke off, they pushed Ellie—and by extension Damien—further away. I saw it time and time again on the job. People returning to their family members because they insisted they “loved” them, only to be hurt again. At some point they had to release that connection. Because being beaten and battered along the journey would prove to be more painful than simply letting go. “Ellie will want to see her.” Damien’s voice jarred me from my thoughts.

“She will,” I agreed, nodding my head. It didn’t escape my attention that he was completely ignoring his own feelings on the matter. “We can’t let her.” I wavered. I didn’t want her near them anymore than he did. I could still feel her shaking in my arms, her sobs piercing my ears and heart as she cried that day in the grocery store parking lot. My mind still heard the insecurities spill from her as we talked back at my place. But could we really make this decision for her? Before I could deliberate any more, he spoke again. “You haven’t been there, Grayson.” My fists bunched as I took a step forward. “I held her while she fell apart that day in the store. I —” “One time,” he all but shouted. “You’ve witnessed it one time. How can you ask me to send her back to them, knowing what I know? How am I supposed to tell her this, knowing she’ll go back to the mother who belittled and degraded her? And that was when she bothered to pay attention at all.” I cringed as each word fell from his mouth, and he wasn’t even close to done. “Once, I was about sixteen, I came out of my room and found her sitting on the stairs, quiet and focused on the conversation in the other room. I’d just opened my mouth to ask her what she was doing when I heard it. My mother was entertaining

friends in the next room, and they were talking about a dance that was coming up. Someone asked when she was taking Ellie shopping for a dress.” He shook his head and laughed, but the sound was dark and cold. “I remember watching Ellie sit straighter, excited by the prospect of spending time with our mom. Later she told me she thought our mom was going to surprise her about the dance. I couldn’t even see her face that day on the stairs, but I could tell she was glowing.” Damien’s eyes filled with tears while I stood there, unblinking, as if I couldn’t miss a minute. He ran a hand over his mouth before letting out a deep breath. “Our mother chuckled, and I could imagine her shaking her head and rolling her eyes, as she told them Ellie wasn’t going. I had to stand there and watch Ellie’s shoulders slump and her head drop. I had to stand there and listen to my mother tell a room full of women who had daughters in school with Ellie that Ellie was a waste of a daughter. Who would take her to the dance? What dress would even look good on her stick-skinny arms and chicken legs? It felt like she went on forever, and I had to stand there and watch my baby sister wither with each word. Her shoulders got lower and lower, as if everything our mother said was a physical weight, pushing her down, until finally she got up. Our mother had made one final ‘joke’ that had

everyone breaking into laughter before Ellie stood and quickly spun around, ready to flee up the stairs. She froze when she saw me there; silent tears were running down her cheeks, and her eyes held a world of shame. I’ll never forget the embarrassment on her face. Like she was worried I’d heard everything and somehow agreed. “I’d been on my way out, but instead I brought her to my room and held her as she cried. Hours. She cried for hours, Grayson.” Damien took a deep breath and hung his head. “A few weeks later she had her first taste of alcohol,” he whispered. When he looked up, his eyes were begging me. “She’s in a good place—hell, a great place, now. I’ve never seen her so happy, and a big part of that is Andy and you.” His words filled my chest with an emotion I didn’t recognize. “Do you want to jeopardize all that?” No. “I don’t want to lie to her, Damien.” “Some lies are necessary.” I wanted to argue, but the look in his eyes told me it would be pointless. But my loyalty to Ellie far outweighed my loyalty to her brother. “We should go see your mom. Gauge the situation for ourselves.” He begrudgingly agreed, and we made a plan to meet at the hospital at ten o’clock.

By the time I got home it was a quarter to five. I was meeting Damien in five hours, and while I knew I needed all the sleep I could get, I also knew I wouldn’t be getting much. I changed into sweatpants and a T-shirt before sliding in behind Ellie, pulling her into my arms and burying my face in her hair. A few seconds later Ellie sighed, melting into me even more. I squeezed her closer; something about this whole night had me feeling that I needed to hold on extra tight.

I WAS BOUNCING ANDY on my hip, his giggles in my ear, as I cooked scrambled eggs. I was leaning in a way so my son was in no danger of getting burned, but I tried to move as fast as I could. Every time I’d put Andy in his high chair, he’d started crying. And it wasn’t the fact that his screams were ear-piercing that made me instantly go to his side. I hated when my son was sad. I knew I’d have to watch myself because I didn’t want him spoiled, but I needed him to know he was loved. Grayson was still sleeping after his night shift. When I’d woken up this morning, I’d kissed him softly on the cheek before crawling out of bed and checking on Andy. I’d just turned down the stove when I heard the bedroom door open and decisive feet pad across the floor. My eyes moved to the clock. It read 8:27. A few seconds later, he rounded the corner. “Hey handsome, are you—?” I froze. He looked horrible. I’d been around after a few of his night shifts, so I knew he always had bags under his

eyes and looked down, but this was on another level. His hair looked like it’d been recently tugged at. “Are you okay?” I asked, turning off the stove and moving toward him. I set Andy in his high chair, and he began wailing immediately. Cringing, I picked him up and started bouncing again. “I’m sorry, sweetie.” I gave him a quick kiss on the head. “Grayson?” I asked slowly. “What’s wrong?” He let out a breath and hung his head, running his hand along the back of his neck. “There was a shooting last night.” “What?” I shrieked. “Where? Are you—?” “I’m fine, I promise.” He put his hand on one of my shoulders and squeezed. “But you—” “Ellie,” he cut me off. His smile was both genuine and strained. “Breathe.” I took a deep breath and placed my hand on top of his. “What happened?” I whispered. He proceeded to tell me about the robbery, and even though he did his best to minimize the danger, even just the mention of flying bullets had me sweating. “But I’m okay,” he repeated. I nodded, trying to get my breathing under control. “What’s wrong then?” I asked, my gaze raking over him. “You look…shaken.” Grayson blew out a breath that made me want

to jump to conclusions again, but I tried to refrain. His brows dipped as he pondered what to say. “Nothing,” he finally said. I squinted; something about this still felt off. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked again, more slowly—my suspicion seeping in. He smiled, and it was a little more genuine this time. “Positive.” I opened my mouth to say more when he continued. “What’s for breakfast?” I dropped the subject, moving through the morning and the rest of the day like I wasn’t uneasy, like there wasn’t an unspoken tension between us. But the nagging feeling that something else was going on lingered in the back of my mind, refusing to give me peace. It didn’t help that Grayson was still acting weird the next day, up until lunchtime when he sat down on the couch. I told myself the reason he put so much distance between us was because I had my knitting supplies out and he didn’t want to disturb them. Then he leveled me with a look that had my palms sweating. “Where’s Andy?” “In his room.” “Can we talk?” he asked. “Sure.” Swallowing back my nerves, I carefully set down the hat I was making and turned toward him. “I didn’t tell you everything about the shooting

two nights ago.” “Okay…” Grayson took a deep breath and rubbed his hand over the back of his head. “Your mother was there,” he said to the ground. “My… is she okay?” “Yes.” He lifted his head. “She was shot in the shoulder, though, so she’s in the hospital.” My mind raced as I tried to figure out what to feel. Truthfully, I didn’t know. After that day in the grocery store, I’d accepted the fact that they were never going to want me. But she could have died; that changed the rules, didn’t it? Grayson looked nervous. But I wasn’t angry—I could understand him not wanting to tell Damien and me. I imagined delivering that kind of news was always hard. Not to mention how it would feel to have to tell people you care about. “Okay. We need to call Damien and…” I trailed off when Grayson paled. My stomach dropped when I realized what that meant. I laughed, but it lacked humor. “You already told him.” “Yes.” He swallowed. “I talked to him that night; well, it was more like morning at that point. I wanted to tell you, but—” “But what?” I asked, standing and pacing to the other side of the room. He lifted himself off the couch too.

“Damien thought it’d be a good idea to go see them ourselves before we said anything. To see if anything had changed. It’s a nice sentiment, to believe she’d be so traumatized by being shot that it changed her life. She’d see things clearly and realize how much she loves you. But that’s not how life works, Ellie. We wanted to make sure.” “And?” My arms were shaking as I crossed them over my chest. “We saw her yesterday morning. She’s the same. She doesn’t—” “Stop.” Lowering my head, I bit my lip. “I know it hurts, that’s why we—” Grayson started. “Hurts?” I bit out, stepping back when he came closer. “I’m pissed.” I tried to stay calm when I spoke again. “You should have told me. You should have trusted that I was strong enough to handle it. Wasn’t that what you’ve been helping me do for months—get stronger?” “Yes. Damien just—” He looked frustrated as I continued to cut him off. “My brother doesn’t know everything.” “I know that. That’s why I’m telling you now.” “Why not tell me first? You went to him over me. You trusted him, but not me?” “No, I—” “I’m not done.” I finally raised my voice. “Months ago I let my mother’s words affect me, I

let myself believe them, and I gave them life by doing so. I’m not doing that again. These past few months, I’ve grown to love myself in a way I hadn’t thought possible before. Am I one hundred percent over everything? No, of course not. But I was getting better, at least I thought I was, and you helped give me that. But you clearly don’t trust me…” Grayson lifted his hands, slowly walking toward me. “No, that’s not—” “Your actions contradict your words, and thinking you know what’s best for me, even if it comes from a place of love, is just like my parents telling me I’m incapable of taking care of myself or making smart decisions.” He froze as my words hit him. “You, and my brother, clearly don’t believe in my ability to change at all, just like them. But at least with my parents I knew what to expect.” He flinched and stepped back like I’d slapped him. Truthfully, I couldn’t find it in me to worry about his feelings, considering he just tore apart mine. I wasn’t sure why I was so angry. I knew he had good intentions and I rarely yelled at anyone, but I couldn’t let him think this was how I wanted our relationship to be. I wanted a partner, not a protector. “Ellie—” he choked out. “I’m leaving. I need air.”

Grayson looked resigned as he nodded. I quickly walked to the back of the house and packed Andy up. Then I lifted him from the crib where he’d been sleeping and carried him out. Thank God I had the car today. One lie, even by omission, was all it took to taint all the truths. Like a single drop of black ink in a bucket of white paint, it spread and polluted every particle it touched. I drove straight home, ready to aim my anger on someone else. When I walked through the front door I saw Naomi and Damien laughing on the couch. They both looked over, not expecting me home so early, and immediately jumped up. “Ellie? What’s wrong?” That came from Naomi—Damien must have realized by my face that I knew. His fiancée looked between us, sensing the tension. “Okay, what the hell is going on?” “Can you watch Andy?” I asked. “You shouldn’t go. Think about what happened last time,” he gently tried to remind me. “I’ve thought about it, and I’m going. Can you watch him?” My brother let out a sigh of defeat before holding out his arms. I handed him the baby carrier and then turned to Naomi. She looked ready to smack both of us for making her wait.

“Can you come with me? I’ll explain in the car.” “Sure.” Her eyes narrowed on her fiancé. “Am I going to be mad at you?” “Probably.” Damien sighed and looked at me. “I am sorry, Ellie.” “Noted.” I tried to sound frosty, but my anger was waning and I was starting to feel a little crazy for how mad I’d gotten. But how was I supposed to believe in myself if the people who loved me didn’t? I’d spent my whole life as a chess piece for my parents. Even for Damien I became a piece—I loved him and I knew he loved me, would die for me, but I also saw how he looked at me. Broken. Damaged. A Rapunzel locked in her tower who needed saving at home, and a Snow White succumbing to poison when I was out in the world. And then there were my “friends,” the drug addicts and other alcoholics who only cared about me when I could help them score. I was right—I was a chess piece. And I could live with that. We all were in a way. But I was done being a pawn; I was going to be a queen.

“Thanks for coming with me,” I said to Naomi as we drove to the hospital. When I called they said my mom would be there for at least another thirtysix hours. “No problem.” She smiled over at me before looking back at the road. “Okay, I’m not defending anything or anyone, but I’m just going to say this one thing about it…” I let a small smile through; I’d finished telling her what happened five minutes ago, and I was surprised she’d made it that long without saying something. “It’s a hard habit to break. Wanting to wholly protect the person you love, and they’re both the overly protective type. But it’s not because they don’t have faith in you. They just don’t want to see you hurt.” “I know,” I breathed out. “I do know that. But they should have told me.” “I agree.” Naomi patted my knee. We pulled up to the hospital a few minutes later. I gripped the handle and took a deep breath before pushing the door open. I can do this. I can. Naomi and I were standing in front of her room in no time. “Are you ready?” she asked.

“There’s only one way to find out. Can you wait out here?” She nodded, pointing over to some chairs across the hall. “I’ll be over there.” With one final inhale, I pushed the door open and came face-to-face with the two people who were responsible for so much of my pain. I saw my father first, sitting on a chair by the window and reading the newspaper. His gaze lifted, most likely expecting a nurse or doctor, and his face blanched. “Eleanor.” He seemed surprised—the most expressive look he’d ever given me—as he stood. I hated that name. He knew. She knew. Everyone knew. Was it supposed to knock me off balance? It had in the past. But I was delighted to realize it didn’t anymore. What was once a giant bird swooping overhead was now just a gnat, easily shooed away. I didn’t even flinch at the use of my full name. “You shouldn’t be here,” he said. “Probably not,” I said as I stepped into the room. His eyes widened, expecting the meek girl I’d always been. “But I had to come.” Then I looked to my mother. Being in a hospital bed should make everyone vulnerable, but her face was as hard as ever. And that more than made up for the hospital gown, lack of makeup, and less than polished hair.

It wasn’t that I’d believed she’d changed. Grayson was right—that kind of miracle was for movies—but how exhausting it must be to have to be perfect all the time. I looked back at my father, who looked even more ashen than before, and it wasn’t until this moment that I realized I felt sorry for them. Maybe it was cliché to think that, but their pride would keep them from so much of this world’s beauty, their children and grandchild included. Shaking my head, I said, “You two ignored me for most of my life, and I made some poor decisions in response to that.” My mother scoffed, but I kept on talking. “I’m not proud of them, but I’m not ashamed of those mistakes anymore. I’m not ashamed of myself anymore.” “Eleanor—” my dad began, just as my mother said, “You should be.” “And yet I’m not.” I looked straight at my mother and said, “You’re not a perfect woman. Most times, you’re not even a good woman. But you’re my mother, and I tried to love you despite it all.” I stood a bit taller. “Maybe I shouldn’t have. Damien certainly didn’t understand, and I don’t understand anymore either, to be honest. Especially now, when you’re in a hospital bed and you still can’t be a decent human being. “You ‘cared’ enough to criticize my life, but you didn’t care enough to help me grow, to guide

me and love me. Children should be loved, not just tolerated. And the fact that you couldn’t says more about you than me.” “You’re being a tad dramatic, don’t you think?” my mother asked, but the way she said a tad sounded like extremely. “You don’t get to make me feel insignificant through your complete disregard of me, and then cut me down with your words when you decide I’m worth your time, and then tell me how I should feel, how I should act. “Dependency and fear were things that made a person weak. I thought that because of you.” I pointed a finger toward my parents. “But that’s not the truth. I had a long period of weakness, and I may still have moments of weakness, but I”—I emphasized with a finger toward my chest—“Am. Not. Weak.” My mother opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off. “No.” My mother’s brows rose. “Eleanor—” “I said no.” The strength in my voice sounded strange, out of place, but I forged on. Just because it was something new didn’t mean it didn’t belong. “I don’t care what you have to say. I didn’t come here for you, I came for me. I talked to you in the store all those months ago because I was hoping you’d changed. Today I’m here because I have. I’m

done trying to be anything to the two of you.” They seemed stunned into silence, but I didn’t stick around any longer to see where it would lead. I didn’t care. Turning around with my head held high, I walked out, past Naomi, heading straight for the elevator. I’d spent my life waiting. Waiting for friendship. Waiting for love. Waiting for peace and absolution. Waiting for someone else to give them to me. My closure didn’t lie with her. With either of them. It didn’t lie with Damien or Grayson either. I didn’t need others to convince me of my worth. It was mine to find, mine to take, and I was close.

I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t been able to do anything since Ellie left this afternoon, so I was grateful I had the entire day off. After Damien and I saw their parents yesterday morning, I’d been struggling. Damien had been right, not that I thought he’d be wrong. They were still awful and her mother still made me want to throttle someone. Damien seemed to share my

feelings—he looked like he wanted to grab his mother and shake the malice out of her. He eventually walked out without saying a word. I turned to leave when their father’s voice stopped me. “It’s hard to love an addict.” “What was your excuse before that? Ellie wasn’t born an addict. You just never loved her.” Those words hurt and were hard to say; but the next ones came effortlessly. “Loving your daughter is the easiest thing in the world. Asking me not to love Ellie is like asking me to quit breathing, or to stop my heart from beating. It’s not just difficult, it’s impossible.” And with that, I followed Damien’s footsteps out. When I’d first met Damien I could tell he was overprotective, and once he told me some things about their parents, I understood even more. I flashed back to the words I said to him a year ago… You may not be verbally abusive like your parents were, but treating her like a porcelain doll isn’t helping her either. You’re just reconfirming her fears that she can’t take care of herself. She internalizes everything you say and do, even if she doesn’t realize it. Even though you and I, and probably even she, know that your concern is

coming from a place of love and support, she also hears it as her not being enough, her not being able to handle it. I was more like him than I’d realized. It had been easy to say at the time, easier to live by too. But the closer you got to a person, the more you desired to protect them. I’d been so removed from that feeling that I forgot how easy it was to be pulled back. And I became the very person I’d warned him about. Ellie had come so far from then, but her parents were her weak spot. What would it have meant to have that tested again? Nothing good, my brain had thought. But had it been the truth? Or was it simply my fear talking? But what did it say if we repeatedly shielded her from things that might hurt? As it often did, my mind drifted to Taylor. But this time it didn’t hurt as much. I carried around a lot of guilt for what I did, or more precisely didn’t do. I’d always thought I’d failed in saving her, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem was my denial of the truth. I ignored the signs because it hurt too much to see them. I figured, over time, she would pull herself out of it. And maybe I never could have saved her, but maybe if she’d known how deeply her pain had affected me, if she knew

how much of her grief I noticed, if I showed her she wasn’t as alone as she felt, she would have fought harder to save herself. I was sitting on my bed and my eyes moved to my nightstand, where the picture of us and her leather notebook sat. And her letter… The letter I’d refused to read. With shaky hands I opened the drawer and moved the other two until I found it. My name was written in neat cursive, and with one deep breath I quickly flipped it open and broke the seal before I could think about it anymore. Grayson, I’m sorry. I know that’s about the lamest thing I could say right now. But it’s true, and I am. I never wanted to hurt you or my parents. If I could make it to where I could silently slip into nonexistence, I would. I’d make it easier and just erase myself from your lives, like I’d never been there. But I can’t, and I don’t know how to make this pain go away without hurting you as well. I tried… I tried for so long to stay. But I can’t keep pretending, and wearing this mask hurts as much as taking it off would. I’m tired. I don’t necessarily want to die, but I also don’t know how to live. A person can’t live this way, and there’s no cure for it. There are bad days, and days that aren’t so bad. But lately,

the bad days are stacking up. I asked you what you thought death would be like… do you remember what you said? You said you never thought about it, and that’s probably the way it should be. But all I’ve done lately is think about it, and what I think is that it’s peaceful. You saw more than anyone else ever did, so I know you understand… maybe not what I’m doing, but why I feel the need to do it. You know why I have to stop trying, don’t you? This hurts too much. To try to be a part of a world that’s constantly shoving you out. That’s constantly making fun of you… Have you ever tried smiling when it feels like there’s a boulder pressing down on your chest? Or laughing with a lump in your throat? That’s all I’ve been doing for months. We always said we didn’t want other friends, but I did. I love you, Grayson, and I don’t say this because you weren’t enough, but I wanted girlfriends. I wanted to have sleepovers and have my nails painted by someone who wasn’t my mom. I wanted to gossip about boys and complain about homework. I desperately wanted something I’d never have. So if you’re wondering what you could’ve done differently, the answer is nothing. Just like if my parents are wondering what they could’ve done differently, the answer is nothing.

I don’t know where I’d be if you hadn’t said hello to me that day in the hall. But I think I might’ve given up sooner. I worry most about how this will affect you. I don’t want it to, but I know how stupid that is to say. Of course it will. I just hope it’s (eventually) for the positive. There’s too much good in you to go to waste. The world needs more people like you. With Love, Taylor P.S. You still are, and will always be, my hero…

I TRUDGED UP TO the house with Naomi. After we’d left the hospital earlier, we met up with Joy to tell her everything and get some dinner. Then the three of us just drove around, talking. Now, her arm was wrapped around my waist and my head was on her shoulder. We separated when we reached the door. She dug around in her purse before she found her keys and let us inside. Our eyes moved to Damien, who was sitting in the living room, spread out on the couch with Andy sleeping on his chest. My brother’s large, tattooed hand rested against his back to keep him safe. “I kinda want one,” Naomi said softly. I whipped my head toward her and she smiled. “Obviously not any time soon, but I can’t wait to come home to this one day. He’s so good with him.” I looked back at my brother and smiled. “Yeah, he really is.” Damien stirred and when he saw us standing there, he bolted upright, all the while keeping Andy

asleep. “Hey,” he whispered, his eyes darting between the two of us before stopping on me. “Are you okay?” “Yeah, and I’m sorry about before.” I waved my hand toward him. “I know your heart was in the right place. That’s all I could ever ask for.” He blew out a breath of relief before looking at his fiancée and tensing again. “Here, I’ll take Andy.” I reached for my son so I could give them some privacy. When I passed Naomi I squeezed her shoulder and mouthed, “Be nice.” She grinned. I knew they weren’t in any serious fight. I gingerly walked upstairs and immediately went toward Andy’s room. He stirred when I checked his diaper, but other than that he easily went back to asleep when I put him in his crib and wrapped him up. I slowly shut the door until it was only opened a crack, then padded across to my room. Pausing, I saw the yellow post-it on my bedroom door. There was a single word on it, written in Grayson’s messy scrawl. Still. My lips pulled up into a small smile as my eyes filled with tears. I grabbed the note before turning around and heading downstairs. I grinned when I found Naomi and Damien making out on the couch. That didn’t take long…

“Hey.” They broke apart, panting, and I winced. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but is there any way you could watch Andy? I want to go see Grayson.” I didn’t explain or tell them about the note. “Of course,” Naomi agreed, looking toward the fireplace to make sure the baby monitor was there and on. The green light indicated yes. “Great. Thanks, guys.” I waved before turning around and walking out. My palms were sweaty when I got there ten minutes later. It was ten o’clock when I knocked on his door. The porch light flooded the area around me a second before he opened the door. He was in sweatpants and a T-shirt, looking like he had run his hand through his hair a lot recently. His eyes were red like he’d been crying. “Ellie.” His shoulders slumped and he pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me. I slowly put mine around his waist and breathed in his scent. “Hey.” Pushing away, I slipped my hand into my back pocket and pulled out the post-it. “I got your note.” Grayson had kept his distance since our argument this morning. He hadn’t bogged me down with calls or texts; I’d only gotten the post-it. But he wasn’t the type to let things sit. He would normally demand we talk it out, but he was oddly quiet. I must have really scared him this morning if

he hadn’t already brought it up. “I went to see her,” I whispered into his chest. He froze, but when my breath shuddered he snapped out of it. “Are you okay?” Grayson asked, his voice low and worried. I felt a warm palm cup my cheek, and I smiled. “I am.” I’d finally stood up to them. And it wasn’t an act, it wasn’t for show. I did it because I believed it. He smiled, but something about it was still off. “I’m proud of you.” Nodding, I looked over his shoulder. “Can I come in?” “Always.” He stepped back and waved me in. But I didn’t feel comfortable like I normally did. The tension I’d thought would disappear seemed to thicken. “Do you want anything to drink?” “No, I’m good.” He looked me over and shook his head. “I’m going to get some water.” I didn’t like the feeling that something monumental had happened and I had no clue what it was. I slowly padded into the kitchen after him, freezing when I saw him. His arms were corded with tension as he braced himself on the counter, his head hung low and his eyes squeezed shut. “Grayson?” His eyes flew open as he straightened and

moved toward the fridge. “Sorry.” He cleared his throat. “Are you sure you’re okay?” “I’m fine,” I said slowly. I didn’t bother asking how he was—it was obvious something was wrong. Instead I walked over and rested my hand on his forearm. “Tell me something that hurts?” He shuddered, closing the fridge empty-handed. “We’re supposed to be talking about you.” “I can wait. Grayson, look at me.” When he did, I found a strange combination of sadness and relief. “Please, talk to me.” Nodding, he grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hall toward his bedroom. Grayson immediately went to his dresser and pulled out a Tshirt. “Will you put this on?” I quickly toed off my shoes and stripped out of my skirt and tank top. He’d already crossed the room and was sitting on his bed, waiting for me. Once I was close enough, he lifted the sheets up and settled us underneath. Only when I was in his arms, our legs tangled together and our breaths mixed, did he seem to relax. “I read Taylor’s letter tonight,” he whispered. “What?” I jerked back, separating us enough so I could see his face. “Yeah.” His eyes were focused on my throat. “Why didn’t you wait?” I asked softly. “I would have been here for you.”

Grayson’s brows creased and his lips turned down. “I didn’t know when you’d be back.” He didn’t say it, but the implied if hung in the air between us. We’d spent so much of our relationship trying to assuage my fears and insecurities that we never touched on his. “I was always coming back.” I ran a finger over one of his eyebrows, smoothing it out. “When we first met, you reminded me of her. Over and over again, I’d imagine all the ways I could fail you, like I failed her.” I opened my mouth to correct him when he shook his head. “Like I thought I’d failed her, until I read her letter.” Grayson took a deep breath. “She said there was nothing I could have done differently. She didn’t blame me…” “Of course she didn’t. It wasn’t your fault.” “It’s not fair… that you could love someone so much and still not be enough, that you could try your hardest and still fail. But no one said life was fair.” He smiled wistfully. “And I’m starting to see that I did my best with what I had. I’ll never stop wishing things were different, but she said something about making something positive out of it. So I’ve decided to look into programs for teen bullying.” He shrugged. “See if my story—our stories—could help someone else.” “That’s great,” I whispered. “Ellie.” He finally lifted his eyes to mine. “I

understand why you were mad. But just because I wanted to help you doesn’t mean I think you’re incapable. I’m amazed by you,” he breathed, his gaze roaming over my face like he was looking at something precious. “You’ve overcome a lot, and I was worried your parents would undo all your hard work.” I started to smile, ready to reassure him that I knew all that, when he spoke again. “I can’t promise something like this will never happen again. It’ll always be in my nature to want to protect you.” He blew out a heavy breath. “And if that isn’t something you want…” He trailed off, like the idea was too painful to consider, and looked down at the bed between us. Was this really where his mind had been all day? It made sense. Grayson had never been in a relationship before, never really had many friendships before, so it was likely he couldn’t tell an argument from the end. With a frown, I shuffled closer. “Grayson?” My palm came up to his cheek. “I know that’s a big part of who you are. And I appreciate it. I do. But there’s a difference between helping someone once they’ve fallen and constantly holding them up, just in case in they do.” I leaned forward and lightly kissed his lips before whispering against them, “I want you to be the one to help me stand when I’ve fallen, but I need to at least try.”

He nodded, his warm eyes tracing the curves of my face. I smiled and whispered, “You know what else today made me realize? I got mad at you.” “Yeah, I noticed,” Grayson muttered. I shook my head with a laugh. “You don’t understand. I’ve never really gotten mad at anyone except for Damien. I get sad and frustrated, sure. But I rarely let myself be mad at people. I’ve been afraid for so long, worried that if I get angry or say the wrong thing I’ll push the few people I have away. I didn’t worry about that this afternoon. I wasn’t worried when I came back over here either. I trust you. I believe you’ll stay.” “I will.” His eyes changed, the fear and uncertainty replaced with a look that had me holding my breath. “Because I don’t simply see you. I’m in love with you.” He leaned forward and kissed me. Nothing passionate, just slow, sensual sweeps of his lips against mine, before pulling away. I slowly opened my eyes. My heart raced, giddy and terrified about what I was going to admit. Something I’d never said to anyone other than Damien before. “I love you, too.”

I looked at the slab of concrete, trying to find words, but I had nothing. Ellie stayed over last night and when I woke up this morning and told her about my urge to see Taylor, she got up and dressed without a word. Now she was patiently waiting in the car, working on some of the knitting she’d brought with her, while I stood here, doing and saying nothing. Because now that I was here, I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Taking a deep breath, I— “Hey, stranger.” I turned around at the sudden sound of Rebecca’s voice. “Hi,” I said back, stunned to see Taylor’s mom here. My throat grew dry when I realized we hadn’t been here together since the day of her daughter’s funeral. “How’d you know I was here?” She tilted her head toward the waiting car. “A little birdie told me. She figured you’d want to talk, but would be less inclined to do so in the impractical setting of having no one to actually talk to.” I huffed out a small laugh, amazed that Ellie knew me so well when I hadn’t even put that together yet. And that she’d managed to grab Rebecca’s number without me seeing. “She’s right,” I murmured, looking back at the

ground. “Not that that’s surprising. She’s smart.” My voice dropped to a whisper when I said, “Taylor would have liked her.” “I could see that. Ellie seems like a wonderful girl.” Nodding, I looked back at my girlfriend. “She is.” Rebecca touched my arm and when I turned toward her, there were tears in her eyes. I’d never been the best at reading emotions, but they didn’t look sad. They looked… hopeful? “Ellie mentioned you finally read Taylor’s letter. That you realized there wasn’t anything you could have done.” Rebecca’s hand landed on my arm and she squeezed. “I’m glad you’ve come around. Her father and I hated that you thought that.” “I don’t think it could have been avoided.” “I suppose not. We blamed ourselves for years, too.” Rebecca was staring hard at her daughter’s grave. “It should be a crime to outlive your child,” she whispered. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. She was right. We all felt loss, but that kind of loss… there was no comparison. I imagined it was the worst kind of torture. “It feels like it goes against the laws of nature… I’d be a widow if I lost my husband. She’d be an orphan if she’d lost us. But there isn’t a word

for when a parent loses a child. You know? Like the idea is so painful, the thought so unimaginable, we couldn’t even find a word for it.” She cleared her throat and looked at me, a few tears spilling down her cheeks. “But all that pain doesn’t change anything. All I can do is miss her and honor her in any way I can. That’s what she would’ve wanted.” “I haven’t been very successful there.” “You’re starting now.” She wiped away her tears. “Grayson, no one blamed you for the way you felt. We understood. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to see this. It’s more of an evolution. And you’re getting there. That’s what matters.” I coughed into my fist. “And maybe we could see each other more?” Her eyes lit up with her smile. “We’d love that. Truly. And if you want to bring Ellie, we could even tell her about Taylor…” “I’m sure she’d love that, too.” Rebecca stepped forward and pulled me into a hug, one I easily returned. When she moved back, she took out a piece of paper and placed it in my palm; her hands encased mine and squeezed. “Be well. We’ll see you soon.” We hugged again and she walked away. I opened it and stared at the words. My eyes filled with tears. Like her daughter, Rebecca had always

known the right thing to say.

Ellie was walking down the stairs, Andy babbling against her shoulder, while I sat on the couch. After we left the cemetery this morning, we swung by to pick him up before coming back to my place. I was holding Rebecca’s note and flipping it over my fingers when she sat down beside me. Andy was already drifting back to sleep as she patted his back. Without a word, I handed her the paper. I knew she’d been curious earlier and I wanted to share, but my nerves had been too raw then. I placed my hand on her knee as she read the words I’d already stared at hundreds of times today. “You cannot save people. You can only love them.” —Anaïs Nin I felt a gentle hand wrap around my bicep and soft hair touch my arm as she leaned her head against me. Her gaze moved to the quote in her hand.

“I don’t know if I agree,” she said softly. “Isn’t loving someone a little like saving them?” “I guess it depends on what you’re trying to save them from.” She nodded. “I’ve been thinking about it… and maybe it’s a push. Maybe loving another person is like giving them a little nudge, providing a reminder that that person is someone worth saving. That they should try harder to save themselves. Does that make sense?” I placed a kiss against her forehead. “It does.” “Circumstances matter. It’s natural to want our loved ones to save us, for us to want to save them. But that doesn’t always mean it’s possible. I’m not saying you’re responsible for what happened—” “I know,” I cut her off, my tone gentle. “I know exactly what you mean. Being loved by you helped me see that I can’t shut myself off from the world. It doesn’t take away the pain, only robs the joy. You taught me that feelings aren’t a curse, but a privilege. But it was up to me to forgive myself for what happened to Taylor. You showed me how to love again. And if that’s all a person can do,” I said, pointing at the paper. “Then yes, it feels like you saved me.” She smiled wide, tears swimming in her gorgeous hazel eyes. “Exactly,” she breathed, stunned, like she couldn’t believe I’d understood her. I was positive there wasn’t anyone I knew

better. “You loving me has always felt like the start of being saved,” Ellie said. “I’ve been thinking about this ever since I found out my mom was shot. About what it meant that one person—her—could make me feel so little and insignificant, and then how one person—you—could make me feel so powerful and worth knowing. And I think it wasn’t really about you guys at all. I let her tear me down because I secretly felt that it was what I deserved.” My heart broke. “Ellie—” “Let me finish,” she interrupted softly. “I wouldn’t have known what to do with someone like you had I met you then. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to accept myself even if no one else would. To love myself even if no else did.” She smiled again. “And now I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t know what to do with her hateful words and complete disinterest in me or my son. It doesn’t fit because there isn’t a single part of myself that believes I’m weak or stupid or incapable. “Over the years, with each person I’ve gained, Damien, Naomi, Andy… you, I’ve realized how worth saving I am. How loved I am. I have so much to offer this world. Even if I trip and fall, it doesn’t discount how far I’ve come, and nothing about it prevents me from picking myself up and going any further. It’s just a fall, and my life isn’t meant to be lived there.”

She laid her hand over my heart, and I felt her warmth move through me, like it did whenever she touched me. “I kinda think our greatest villains and our strongest superheroes will always lie within us. I was the reason for my struggles in high school, and I’m responsible for my success now. And I believe, no matter what, I would’ve gotten here eventually. But I can’t deny what your love has done for me. “I’d been hiding, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be found. I just wanted to see who’d come looking.” “I’ll always come looking,” I whispered. “I know.” She was beaming. “You made me whole, Grayson. Not because you completed me, but because you helped teach me how to complete myself. You loved me, and because of that I was able to save me. And I think… I think maybe that’s what a soul mate is.” There was no ducking of her head as if she was waiting for my approval of her opinions, no eyes shifting back and forth like she was unsure if she should have said anything. Ellie spoke her mind and was proud of it, no validation needed. Cupping her cheeks, I drew her to me and my lips crashed down on hers. She let out a squeak of surprise before melting into me. One of her hands clutched my arm as the other made sure Andy was secure against her shoulder.

I had to pull back after only a minute. Ellie’s eyes were heavy with desire as I reached for Andy. “Wait, wait,” she slurred. I watched as Ellie kissed him on the forehead before lifting his leg and kissing the underside of his foot. Andy lightly giggled and wiggled his legs. The movements were sluggish, sleep working to pull him under. Only then did Ellie hand him to me. I moved across the room to secure him in his bouncer, where his eyes drifted shut almost immediately. I grabbed his stuffed lion and placed it next to him, watching him immediately curl toward it. When I turned around she was smiling, but froze when she saw me studying her. “What was that about?” I asked. Her brow furrowed and I elaborated, “I’ve seen you do that a couple of times. Kiss him on the head and then the foot. I was just wondering why…” A deep crimson rushed across her cheeks and down her neck. She bit her lip. “It’s a reminder that I love him from head to toe,” she finally divulged. “I know he’s just a baby and he doesn’t understand it, and by the time he’s old enough to understand it he’ll be too big for me to do it…” Ellie waved her hand and sighed. “It probably sounds silly out loud.” She shook her head and looked down. I wasted no time in getting back to Ellie. She was softly laughing as I jumped over the couch and

tackled her onto her back. Bending down, I captured her lips with mine. I pulled away a few seconds later, resting one hand on her hip and threading the other through her hair, tilting her face up. “No, it doesn’t. It sounds wonderful. Do you see how much joy you bring him when you lift his leg and kiss his foot? He has plenty of people to kiss his head, but I bet no one else kisses his foot. He may not understand why but he feels it, and sometimes that’s more important.” With a shy smile she melted into me, wrapping her arms around my waist and placing a kiss over my heart. I rested one hand on the back of her head, gently messaging, and rubbed her hip with the other. She hummed her contentment. “Do you know why I kiss your knuckles?” I asked. Ever since our first time together, I made it a habit to. Her eyebrows pulled down. “No. I’d noticed but never really considered why.” I ran my finger over them. “You don’t use your fists, but you beat yourself up more than anyone I’ve ever met. And however little sense it makes, or stupid it sounds, I kiss them. In my mind, I’m reminding you to stop beating yourself up.” “Grayson…” she murmured, gazing up at me in wonder. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by all the emotions running through me. And as I stared down at her, soaking in her sweet smile and the adoration

in her eyes, I thought about how much I loved her. But how so many people before me failed to. Because I was lying here wondering… how could anyone not?

Five months later…

IT WAS SATURDAY EVENING and we

were lounging in my family room. I had the weekend off to celebrate Andy’s first birthday. We’d spent today setting things up for the party happening at Damien’s place tomorrow. I never called it Ellie’s— as far as I was concerned, her place was with me. I moved the coffee table back, making ample room between it and the couch. Ellie was sitting on one end and I was at the other. Andy was on the ground between us, crawling back and forth. Ellie’s eyes tracked his every movement, her face twisting into a frown the longer he spent on his hands and knees. “Ells…” I started. “I don’t get it,” she said over me. “He should be walking by now.” “All kids develop differently. You asked his doctor and she said Andy was doing fine.”

“She also said there were things we could be doing.” She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth as she thought, eyes still on her son. “Ellie.” I carefully moved forward, scooting around Andy until I was in front of her. “He’ll walk when he’s ready, okay? And if it’s a little later than some, that means nothing.” “I guess…” I gently gripped her chin, finally forcing her to look at me. “No. C’mon, repeat it.” She rolled her eyes, but her lips kicked up into a smile. “I’m doing everything right and every child is different.” Her voice was flat and it brought about my own grin. “Good, and—” “Ohmygod, ohmygod,” she whispered, slapping me on the arm. Ellie’s wide eyes were focused over my shoulder. I followed her stare, finding Andy standing on shaky legs, gripping the couch cushion in front of him. There was a pinch of pain as she dug her fingernails into my skin, but I said nothing. She let go when he turned our way, pitching forward a bit before correcting himself. Ellie skirted around me, moving close enough to catch him but far enough for him to walk to her. “Hey, buddy. Do you want to come to Mama?” she pleaded, her eyes bright with hope. Andy smiled, looking between the two of us. “Agabagha.”

“Please?” Her arms were stretched out in front of her. He shifted forward, the movement so small it could hardly be called a step. And yet I knew if he didn’t get any farther Ellie would celebrate like it was one. But he did go farther. He let go of the couch, pausing for a few seconds, before he toddled toward her on unsteady, yet eager legs. He bucked forward and she easily scooped him up, pulling her son into a tight hug. “That was so good, buddy. Mama’s so proud of you.” She peppered his face with kisses that caused him to burst out in giggles. I watched, overwhelmed by how much I loved them. When Ellie’s tear-filled eyes caught mine, I mouthed, I love you. Grinning, she said, “I know.” There were dozens—hell, probably hundreds— of reasons I loved Ellie. But nothing quite compared to her strength, especially because she didn’t see how much she possessed. It still amazed me, how she could be so blind to it. I imagined being an alcoholic was like constantly standing on the ledge of a cliff, and when I mentioned it to Ellie she agreed. But what she didn’t see was that instead of nervously looking down and worrying about falling, she was staring straight ahead. All she saw was her son, standing on the other side. All she thought about was him, and

how she’d find a way to fly over the chasm to get to him. Andy turned my way, struggling in his mom’s arms. She scooted away, putting distance between us, before setting him on his feet. “Go to Da—” My heart got stuck in my throat as I looked at her. She refused to give me her eyes, but I could tell by the flush in her cheeks that she regretted it. Maybe not the sentiment, but definitely the words. I didn’t push it, I simply held out my hands. Andy continued to laugh—high-pitched and joyous—as he crashed into me. Lifting him up, I cradled him in my arms, whispering praises. But when I reflexively said, “Good job, son,” for only his ears to hear, I realized just how far gone for him I was. I wanted to go to bed with her in my arms and wake up to Andy’s cries. She wasn’t the only one I’d fallen in love with this last year.

We’d put Andy to sleep in his nursery and were playing chess when she said, “I’ve been thinking

about going back to school.” “What?” I frowned, my chess piece forgotten. “Where’s this coming from?” I’d never heard her say a single positive word about school. She’d hated high school, and every time she saw Naomi hunched over a book she seemed relieved that it wasn’t her. Shrugging, she played with the hem of her shirt. “I think I should have options.” “Options?” Ellie sighed and held her hands out like it was obvious. “I’m not good at anything.” When she saw what I was sure was a thunderous look on my face, she quickly shook her head and waved her hands. “I didn’t mean it like that, I promise. I just… I’m not passionate about anything. I don’t feel a calling toward anything, you know? Damien loves tattooing people. The parlor is his ‘place.’ He loves hearing the stories and getting to give people a special work of art that will last forever. He absolutely loves it. And Naomi belongs in the courtroom like a fish belongs in water. And you, you are so incredibly dedicated to your job.” “It’s where I feel at home,” I said. “Exactly.” She smiled softly. “And all of that is great. But I don’t have it. I can’t imagine a job where I belong. I think I’ve held off going to school because of it, but I need to stop waiting and just do it.”

“There’s not a single thing you love doing?” I asked. She shrugged and looked down, hiding herself. And that was when I knew she did have something in mind, she just didn’t want to say it. “Hey, I know you have an answer.” “When I think about my future, all I see is Andy. Thinking about anything else feels like stepping away from him. That sounds pathetic, doesn’t it?” “No,” I said softly. “Some mothers love staying at home. There isn’t anything wrong that, despite what society tries to tell you. Going to work just because it’s what’s expected is just as bad as when women stayed at home because it was expected. The only thing you should do is what makes you happy. Ellie, being a woman in the twenty-first century isn’t about having a job, seven kids, and cleaning the house. It’s not about doing it all. It’s not about what you do at all, it’s about the power to do whatever you want. It’s about having the choice —not everyone remembers that. If this is what you want, fuck everyone else.” She shook her head with a soft smile. “You make it sound so easy.” “It is.” My Adam’s apple bobbed before I admitted, “I could understand you wanting to take some online courses and get a degree as a backup, since it can be hard to find a job without one. But if you want this kind of life, I’ll gladly give it to you.

For as long as I’m around, Ellie, I’ll give it to you.” Her grin widened as she leaned forward. I met her in the middle, and we shared a simple kiss over the chessboard. “Thank you,” she whispered against my lips. “I’ll think about it.” When we pulled apart, I looked down, surveying my options. I picked up my bishop and moved, a plan already forming on how to win. Ellie’s jaw was locked tight. “That’s your move?” she asked. “Yeah?” I said slowly, my eyes going back to the board. It didn’t take me long to see what had her annoyed. “Ellie, I made that move with the intention of beating you.” Of course, I hadn’t seen how it made me vulnerable to her rook. “You’re not letting me win?” she asked suspiciously. Laughing, I held up my hands. “No, I promise. You beat me, fair and square.” “Okay, then… checkmate,” she said, sliding her rook across the board and trapping me. She started laughing and a second later she was running around the table, launching herself into my arms. “I won,” she squeaked. “I really won.” “Would it be too cheesy to say that I’m the real winner here?” “Undoubtedly.” But even as she said it, her lips tipped up. Reaching up, I tucked a piece of hair behind

her ear. “Too bad. I am.” I leaned forward and took her smile as a prize, my tongue slipping in and wrapping around hers. We kissed like this for a few minutes. Ellie’s mouth slowly moved over mine as my hands roamed her body, starting from her shoulders down to her lower back. Our tongues stroked harder and our kisses turned desperate. I broke away, moving my lips down her neck until they rested against her collarbone, and she started rolling her hips into mine. My fingers plunged into her hair, tilting her head back. But then she pulled away and her arms moved between us, hooking in the waistband of my pants, teasing it lower. “What are you doing, pretty girl?” My voice came out low and hoarse, and my hand tightened in her hair. Ellie slipped one of her hands inside, her eyes holding mine as she taunted me with a smirk. “You tell me.” I shuddered as she wrapped her fingers around my cock and slowly started moving her hand up and down. We’d had sex plenty of times since we’d started five months ago, probably at least once every night we were together. But the sensations never failed to take me by surprise. “Ellie,” I choked out, my eyes squeezing shut. Soft lips danced up my throat before her teeth lightly grazed my jaw. Then suddenly she withdrew. Her mouth. Her hand. Her body. Everything. My

eyes sprung open and she was laughing, most likely at my glare. “C’mere,” she whispered, grabbing my hand. I gladly followed her to our bedroom, kicking the door shut. Her small hands landed on my shoulders and she gave me a gentle shove. I sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for her to join me. Instead she backed away and started undressing. My dick jumped, and I grabbed my knees in an effort to stay put. Just when I was seconds from saying fuck it and charging across the room, she came back to me. Her hips swayed as my eyes eagerly took in every beautiful inch of her. She was only in her underwear: a black thong and a black bra that stopped just above her belly button, almost like a corset. “You’ve been wearing that the whole game?” She opened her mouth to answer, but once she was close enough, my hands flew to her hips. I tugged her onto my lap, our mouths crashing together. Ellie moaned, and the sound vibrated through my chest. When I moved to flip us, she stopped me. “No,” she said softly. Her fingers fell to the hem of my shirt and when she slowly started lifting it, I eagerly reached behind my neck and tore it over my head. My pants and boxers came off in much the same way, her trying to tease me and me

tearing them off like a damn animal. She had stood again while I kicked them away, and I smirked when I saw Ellie lose her cool composure. Her eyes were trained right where I wanted them, and she licked her lips. After swallowing roughly she brought her gaze to mine, and I watched as she lowered herself to the carpet and shuffled forward on her knees. My spine straightened and my breath grew labored as she came closer. Without another word she leaned forward, wrapping her soft pink lips around the head of my dick, and slowly started sucking. Golden hair framed her actions, creating a picture that would no doubt star in my future dreams. Ellie brought her hands up and lightly dragged her nails down my thighs as she took more of me into her mouth. My head fell back on a groan. Her mouth was amazing… but that wasn’t what I wanted right now. I reached for her, grabbing her by the shoulders and hauling her onto my lap. She squeaked in surprise as my lips took hers and my hands held her to me. I lifted my pelvis and ground into her. Soft moans filled the room. “It’s my turn for a taste,” I choked out before wrapping my mouth around her erect bra-covered nipple. Ellie whimpered and wiggled closer, grabbing the back of my head and holding me to her breast.

“Grayson…” Lifting her, I put her on her feet. “Take that off,” I commanded, nodding toward her chest as I hooked my fingers into the waistband of her panties and pulled them down. Thankfully she tore her bra off just as fast. I stood and we immediately came together, mouths knocking in our haste to get on the bed. Lying on my back, I watched her straddle me, and when she reached for a condom—now kept in the nightstand—her breasts swayed in front of my face. Powerless to resist them, I leaned up and sucked her other nipple into my mouth, swirling my tongue around it. She let me play for a few minutes before pulling away. Ellie made quick work of rolling the condom on and settling me against her entrance. We both groaned as she slowly lowered herself until she was full of me. She lifted up and sank down. Over and over, each time going quicker. My hands skated up her stomach and cupped her boobs, causing her to shudder and move faster. I palmed them, feeling the familiar tingling at the base of my spine. We’d tried many positions, but one of my favorites was her riding me like this. Her head tipped back, all that long, blonde hair spilling down around her naked bouncing breasts. If there was a more erotic sight, I certainly couldn’t think of it.

“I’m so close,” she whispered, slamming down harder, whimpering and biting her lip as her clit grazed my groin. “O-o-ohhh… God, yes. GGrayson…” Ellie trailed off as her mouth opened in a silent cry. Her hips rolled, her body convulsing as she came. When I saw her start to come down, I grabbed her hips and flipped her over. Then I drove into her like the world was about to end and there was nothing else I’d rather do. “Shit,” she grunted out, her nails digging into my back as her inner walls continued to clench around my cock. I wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer. Holding myself up with one arm, I brought my other hand down, rubbing her clit in tight, fast circles. “Grayson!” she shouted. “Oh God… oh gahhhh… yes…” As her second orgasm hit her, I quickly followed. Three jerks later, I froze, unloading into the condom as a burst of mindnumbing euphoria spread through me. Ellie was lifting her hips up, chasing the last of hers. Seconds later, I collapsed on top of her. I loved the feel of her chest rising and falling against mine. She exhaled. I inhaled. Like the only reason I was still breathing was because of her. “Wow.” Her whisper floated by my ear as her hands ran through my hair. I chuckled. “That’s an understatement.” Then I

kissed her neck and lifted my head. Her eyes were closed, a small, sated smile on her raw lips. “I need your eyes.” They slowly opened, my favorite sight in the world. “You’re so beautiful, Ellie. It sort of seems unfair to everyone else.” A blush spread across her face and down her neck. With a sigh, her arms wrapped around my neck and she pulled my forehead down to rest against hers. “I love you.” Grinning, I repeated her words from earlier: “I know.”

Grayson held Andy to his chest as we walked up to his house, leaving the hot summer day behind us. The three of us had just gotten back from Damien’s place—it was strange how I’d stopped thinking of it as my own. I still technically lived there, but Grayson had been dropping hints about how he hoped that would be changing soon. I stared at my beautiful boy, his long eyelashes resting against his cheeks, as he slept in my boyfriend’s arms. My smile widened; truthfully, it probably hadn’t dimmed once since this morning. Andy was a year old today. We’d thrown a mini party for him at my brother’s house. Grayson didn’t

say so, but I could tell the idea of having a dozen or so people in his home made him uncomfortable. I let out a grunt as I set down his bags of presents near the entryway. Grayson chuckled, shutting and locking the front door. “I still can’t believe you let Naomi buy him all that.” Shaking my head, I said, “You don’t argue with a woman who carries around voodoo dolls.” “If you say so.” He leaned in to kiss my cheek. “I’m going to put him to bed.” Nodding, I watched him walk away before heading to the kitchen. I put the leftovers we’d taken with us in the fridge. Then I grabbed a glass of water and walked down the hall to our bedroom. It felt weird to say out loud—our bedroom—but I couldn’t help when I thought it. It came as naturally as breathing. Grayson had emptied out a few drawers for me and given me half his bathroom. He even cleared out a space in the closet if I wanted to keep knitting supplies here. And every time I walked in and saw the evidence of my life here, I grinned. The widest, goofiest grin imaginable. It stayed with me as I brushed my teeth and changed into my pajamas: a baby blue T-shirt and the pair of Avengers thighhighs Grayson had made for me. It only faded when I realized he still hadn’t returned from putting Andy in his room. I made the short walk to his nursery, pausing in the doorway,

watching Grayson stare down at him. And as if he could feel my presence he started talking, even as his back stayed to me. “You know when you almost called me daddy yesterday?” he suddenly asked. I froze, feeling a blush creep up my cheeks. Technically it was going to be dada, but that wasn’t really the point. I hadn’t even thought about it, it just came out, and when Grayson hadn’t brought it up, I’d figured we’d just sweep it under the rug. Stepping forward, I said, “I’m sorry if it freaked —” “It didn’t. That’s the thing,” he murmured. “He feels like mine…” Hearing him talk about Andy with as much love and reverence as he did me meant the world to me. Especially because I could tell how sincere he was. He would love to wake up at three in the morning and rock him back to sleep, or tell him a story before bedtime. He’d already done so much for us. I slowly walked over, slipping my arm around his waist and gazing down at my son, whose eyes were still fluttering, fighting to stay awake. “I feel like he was always meant to be mine,” Grayson continued, his eyes never straying from Andy. “You know what’s crazy?” I whispered back, waiting for him to look at me before I continued. But when he did, I hesitated. My nerves were

immediately cut off as he placed his warm palm over my hip and gave it a squeeze. I blew out a breath, trying to expel my fears with it, and told him a truth I’d never spoken aloud before. “I wanted you in the delivery room with me.” My gaze immediately went down to Andy, out of love for him and fear for Grayson’s reaction. When he didn’t say anything, I peeked up through my lashes at him. This time when he squeezed my hip, it almost felt bruising. But in the best way possible, like he was reminding he was there and that he’d hold me through anything. That he’d never let me go. And I never wanted him to. With one last squeeze, he let go, trailing his hand up my body until he reached my face, immediately cupping my cheek. “I don’t think any of this is crazy. I was scared shitless that day, and waiting outside felt wrong. But it didn’t make sense, and I chalked it up to crazy. But maybe it’s time we accept this for what it is, crazy or not.” “And what is this?” I asked, holding my breath for his answer. “Fate.”

Two years later…

WE STILL TRADED STORIES. But it wasn’t just the pains of our past anymore. We also shared the joys of our present and the dreams for our future. The silly confessions were becoming some of my favorites. We still had hard days, of course. There were still moments when our pasts seeped in and tried to reclaim a spot in our lives, but we fought back against them. Some battles were fought together, others had to be fought alone, but the point was: we were fighting. Even if the world had tried to make us victims. All those days of fighting were worth it, especially on days like today. “It’s finally happening, big bro. Are you ready?” Steve asked. Keeping my eyes on the mirror, I fixed my

slightly crooked tie. I was more than ready to marry Ellie, and I told my best man as much. Having three brothers made picking a best man next to impossible, so I ultimately went with the man responsible for bringing Ellie and me together. A knock on the door sounded before Damien stepped through. “Someone wanted to say hello.” He stepped aside and Andy immediately ran through, still in his street clothes. Ellie didn’t want him to get dressed until absolutely necessary. It was a practical request; the kid was a human hurricane. “DADDY!” he shouted, launching himself at me. I easily caught him. “Hey, kid. Are you ready?” Eagerly nodding his head, he looked back at his uncle. “D said I am.” “Are you heading over?” I asked Damien. “I—” “Where you going?” Andy twisted in my arms, and I put him down. “I’m gonna go see your mom, buddy. I get to walk her down to Grayson,” Damien said it like it was the most magical thing to ever happen, and based on Andy’s wide-eyed expression, he thought so too. “Because her dad is a dick,” he muttered to me. “Who’s a dick?” Andy shouted, and it took everything in me not to laugh. “Hey, buddy,” Damien anxiously swooped in.

“How about we don’t repeat that? Especially in front of your mom…” He giggled. “Okay. Can I walk too?” “You want to give your mommy away?” I asked. Andy’s smile exploded and he began nodding vigorously, even though he had no clue what we were saying or what he was agreeing to. “YES! I’ll do the bestest job.” “The best. You’ll do the best job.” “Wayyyy better than me,” his uncle assured, but Andy was done listening. He started running around the room, half dancing, and stopping to talk to Steve. This kid had so much life to him. Ellie and Andy had been living with me for close to a year and a half, and his bubbly personality was one of my favorite parts of coming home. Damien started to slip out when I stopped him. “Hey.” I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket, looking at what I’d written on it before folding the note and handing it to him. “Could you give this to Ellie?” He raised his eyebrows and snickered. “Are we in kindergarten again? I think we’re past the point of passing notes,” he teased, even as he tucked it into his pocket. “Besides, she agreed to marry you —I’d say she likes you.”

I grinned; nothing was getting me down today. “Just give it to her, please.” “Will do.” His eyes moved to something behind me. “Good luck corralling the Energizer Bunny.” I turned around as the door shut, laughing when I saw Andy had a death grip on Steve. His face was tipped up toward him, talking a mile a minute. “Andy,” I called out. His head whipped my way. “Let’s get you dressed.” My brother looked relieved when my son let go and sprinted toward me. “I’m ready. I’m ready. I’m ready,” he sang, copying one of his favorite shows. I definitely didn’t sing along, but all I could think was… me too.

“Knock, knock.” Joy, Naomi, and I turned toward the door, recognizing Damien’s voice on the other side. “How’s it going in here, ladies?” “Great. We’re almost ready.” Joy smiled wide, smoothing down my veil. I was staring at my brother in the mirror. He came up behind me, and Joy stepped aside so he could put his hands on my shoulders.

“You look beautiful, Ells.” “Thank you. And thanks for walking me down the aisle.” A huge grin split across my face. “Can you believe I’m getting married?” “Oh. Right, change of plans,” Damien said. Naomi immediately slapped him in the back of the head. “What the hell? You don’t say something like that on her wedding day. Her mind goes to the worst possible place.” “I’m smiling,” my brother said, pointing to his white teeth. I laughed, shaking my head. “My mind didn’t go to the worst possible place. I trust Grayson.” Joy reached down and squeezed my hand. “Either way, my bad.” He gave Naomi a quick kiss before turning back toward me. “Andy is gonna walk you down the aisle.” “Really? How’d that happen?” “Grayson asked if he wanted to…” “Oh.” My lips flatlined. “I can’t believe I didn’t think—” “He’s three, Ellie. He’s not a logical first choice,” Joy chimed in. Nodding, I said, “You’re right.” To Damien, I asked, “Okay, so is everything ready?” “Should be.” He turned to leave before pausing. “Oh, and Grayson asked me to give you this,” my brother said absentmindedly as he handed over a folded piece of paper.

My eyes watered as I stared at the familiar scrawl. But this time the word Still was crossed out, and written above it was Always. Naomi and my brother had quietly slipped out. Now it was just my maid of honor and me. “He’s a keeper,” Joy whispered over my shoulder. With a grin, I turned around. “Like Carter?” “Yes.” She still had stars in her eyes from their wedding eight months ago. Although today there seemed to be an extra twinkle to it. I narrowed my eyes. “Are you keeping something from me?” She ducked her head and I slapped her arm. “Oh my God, you are!” “I didn’t want to take away from your big day.” “How could more good news take away from it? Spill! Spill!” I had a pretty good idea what it was, but nothing quite beat the anticipation of something. “I’m two months pregnant.” “That’s amazing.” I immediately pulled her into a hug. “Congratulations. How did Carter take it?” “He cried, not a lot, but he was definitely happy.” “You goober. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” Joy chuckled. “Goober? I think you’re spending too much time watching TV with Andy.” “Don’t I know it,” I mumbled. We were still

laughing when Damien knocked. “All set, ladies? I got one handsome-looking man out here, ready to give you away.” “Hmm…” I lifted my dress and walked toward the door. “Who could that be?” I already heard my son giggling on the other side. And when the door swung open, he spread his arms wide. “It’s me, Mama!” I didn’t have time to respond before he spoke again. “She’s a princess.” He tugged on my brother’s pants with wide eyes. “Mama’s a princess.” Tears pricked my eyes. I tilted my face up to keep from ruining my makeup. “You’re right, buddy,” Damien said, serious, his eyes on mine when I tipped my head back down. “Your mama is a princess.”

I was laughing as Grayson carried me across the threshold of our hotel suite. My arms were wrapped around his neck and my head was thrown back, eyes closed. “Are you happy, Mrs. Mable?” he asked. Eyes still shut, I eagerly nodded before he sealed his

mouth over mine. I heard the door slam and the lock engage, his lips never leaving mine. Grayson shuffled across the room, me still in his arms. He had to stop when I kept smiling though. I’d always dreamed of the day a boy said the words, “Will you marry me?” I thought about it a lot, actually. More than I should have for someone who was so ignored. Honestly I imagined something planned, romantic, with flowers and candles and all that other crap that women think they want, when in reality all that matters is him. But that wasn’t how Grayson proposed. We had been arguing in the kitchen. I couldn’t even remember what it was about. And all of a sudden he left. He just walked away and went into the bedroom. I started shouting, asking him why he was leaving. I followed him, mouth opened, ready to yell again, but stopped short as soon as I entered. He was standing there holding a red velvet box. And without any preamble, he proposed. “This is real life. This argument right here. This is some—hopefully a small amount—of what our marriage will look like. It’d be easy for me to plan the perfect night and promise to love you when there’s nothing wrong. When we’re completely content and don’t have a care in the world. It would be perfect. But I don’t want that. I don’t want perfect. I want something real. I want

your hurts and your pleasures, your tears and your laughs. I want to ask you right now. Right at this moment when we’re fighting. Because I love you. Still. Always. Forever. I want you even when we’re like this. Even when things aren’t perfect, I want you.” Tears welled in my eyes just thinking about it. Because somehow it was perfect. Joy said that it was utterly unromantic. But it wasn’t. Not to me. He’d had the ring for a little over a week and had been trying to plan the perfect night. So I told her the truth, that Grayson was the most romantic man I knew, without even trying. His words were never “lines.” He wasn’t saying it to be sweet or romantic. He wasn’t trying to get laid. There was never a pause as he waited for me to appreciate the words, like I’d seen Damien do with Naomi. No. Grayson said the words like they were facts. He called me beautiful. He told me he loved me. He proved that he saw me. And he didn’t do any of it wondering what it would get him. Grayson just did these things, like he didn’t think I should be treated any other way. “What’s that smile for?” he asked now, breaking me from the memory. I slowly opened my eyes. “I was thinking about the day you proposed.”

He grinned. “That was a great day.” “It was.” Grayson finally set me down, immediately cupping my face and drawing my lips to his. It was a quick kiss, but like everything about that day, it was perfect. “Do you need to freshen up or anything?” “Oh.” I smacked his arm, remembering something. “Naomi said she put a surprise for me in my suitcase.” He turned around and grabbed it from the front door before setting it on the bed. I stepped forward and popped it open, immediately seeing the black box. Grayson watched as I lifted the lid, and he started laughing when the first pair of underwear stared up at us. It was a blue pair with the words “Cop a feel” on the butt, little handcuffs dangling off the C. I lifted it up, coming face-to-face with the other pair. These were facing up, red with a mistletoe right below the belly button. “Oh God,” I groaned. Something about my brother’s fiancée picking these out was slightly mortifying. Even if she was my friend, anything related to Damien and sex made me shiver. “I think I underestimated how much I like Naomi,” Grayson mused. I smacked him in the stomach. His smile turned soft and he tucked a fallen strand of hair behind my ear. “I have a

confession about our first kiss.” “Christmas?” He nodded, looking guilty and mischievous all at once. “I knew the mistletoe was there. I’d gone jogging that morning and saw it. I didn’t have an exact plan on what would happen, but I was hoping…” He shook his head and laughed. “You were so cute when you started freaking out.” Groaning, I let my head fall against his chest. “I didn’t want you to think I was being sneaky, begging for a kiss. How pathetic.” I lifted my head and let it thud on the same spot, as if I were banging it into a wall. Grayson chuckled, wrapping his hand around my neck and lifting my face to his. “You never have to beg. I’ll give you anything… I’ll give you everything,” he whispered, his face suddenly serious. “You’ve given me so much, Ellie. When I was younger I cut myself off from other people. It felt like the only way to survive. But ever since I met you, I don’t want to merely survive. I want to live.” He’d barely finished before I leaned up and kissed him, hoping to feel his words as our lips met. I quickly pulled away though. “I want to give you something.” “What is it?” “A present.” He groaned, his lips dipping into a frown. “Ells,

we agreed not to.” “I know. But this isn’t… I didn’t want anything, and this is kind of like a present for both of us.” I stepped around him, my smile wide, as I walked toward the other bag I had Naomi bring up. I dug the wrapped gift out and tucked it behind my back before hurrying toward my husband, who was now sitting on the bed. I giggled. “What’s so funny?” he asked. “Nothing. It’s silly.” Grayson lifted his eyebrows expectantly. “I thought the word husband. I still can’t believe it.” His smile widened. “Me neither. So, what do you got there, wife?” We both laughed as I brought my arms around and handed it to him. He took the gift from me, carefully unwrapping it before opening the flat, rectangular box. Grayson’s eyes rose to mine. “A pen?” he asked. “There’s more underneath.” I held my breath as he lifted the blue tissue paper. His hands froze in midair, and the paper fluttered to the ground. But he didn’t pick it up and fold it like he normally would. My eyes moved between him and his present— adoption papers for Andy. “I know you haven’t said anything along the adoption lines. But you talk

about him being yours.” His eyes still hadn’t moved, and my nerves heightened a bit. “If you need time or—” Grayson stood up in a flash, leaving the present on the bed, before grabbing my neck and smashing his lips against mine. Between the strength of his arms crushing me to his chest and the relentless way he kissed me, I was dizzy in less than a minute. My heart was swimming with so much love and joy I hardly knew what to do with it all. When he pulled away I was breathless. “I love you,” he growled against my mouth. The possessiveness in his voice made my body flush. “Of course I want to adopt him. The only reason I hadn’t mentioned it was because I was nervous.” My eyes widened and he chuckled. “I know it’s hard to believe and now it seems silly, but it would have killed me if you’d said no. I would’ve grown a sack and asked eventually.” “You were right—he’s always been yours. We’ve always been yours.” Grayson smiled, and it amazed me that there was a time when it felt like I had to work to get that expression out of him. “The girl who everyone forgot,” he whispered. “The boy who wished to be forgotten,” I softly said back. Neither was spoken with pity or sadness—only acceptance.

“But that isn’t us anymore.” “No, it’s not,” I agreed. “I’m tired of living in the scripts other people gave us, people who don’t even matter. It’s time we wrote our own, Ellie.” I teared up for the billionth time that day. “It is.” Then he brought his lips to mine, sealing the words with a kiss.

Six years later…

EVERYTHING. That was what I felt as I sat on the couch in the family room, legs tucked under my butt, and watched my two sons play video games. They were constantly looking my way, making sure I was paying attention. Mom, did you see me blow that guy up? Mommy, when I grow up can I be an alien? Mommy… Mom… Mommy… The chatter they threw my way was nonstop, but I never tired of hearing it. I could enjoy the quiet, too. I wasn’t hurt when Andy—now nine—slapped my hand away in front of his friends, and I didn’t wonder what I did wrong when Leo, our four-year-old, wanted to sit on Grayson’s lap instead of mine. I wasn’t as insecure as I once was. I still had my moments. My flaws didn’t disappear with the words, I love you, but they did lessen. But that

never deterred Grayson. He continued to leave me notes. I found random “stills” and “always” throughout my day, and it made me smile just like it had the first time. I started leaving them for him too. “I’m home,” Grayson called out as the front door slammed. Both kids immediately dropped their remotes and ran through the house toward his voice. I was a little slower. So slow I was just lifting myself up when he walked in, immediately coming to my side and helping me. “How are you?” His hand rested against my swollen stomach. “Tired, but good. How was work?” He shrugged, loosening his tie. “Not bad. We closed one of our older cases.” “That’s great news.” Grayson had been a detective for almost two years now. He didn’t end up in narcotics; instead he chose cyber crimes. This also aided in his work with cyber bullying, something he became invested in several years ago. He was doing what Taylor suggested, turning their pain into something positive. Grayson also loved that it enabled me to be a stay-at-home mom. “Where are the boys?” I asked, looking around him. “Upstairs. They said they had something to show us.” “Ah. They want to put on their costumes.”

Halloween was in a couple days, and we still didn’t know what they were dressing up as. “Let’s sit down then. You shouldn’t be up.” Part of me wanted to argue, but my swollen ankles and throbbing lower back told me to shut up. I practically plopped down. “Here. Give me your feet. Your ankles should be elevated.” I scooted toward the end and he lifted them into his lap, gently kneading the soles of my feet. I melted into the couch. “That does feel good.” “I like the shirt, by the way.” I grinned down at it. I was wearing a black Tshirt with the skeleton of a baby stretched across my seven-month pregnant stomach. Technically, by nature’s rules, it was our second biological child together. But neither of us ever felt that way. This was our third child. My smile fell as I thought about what I knew about said baby. When we had Leo I didn’t want to know the gender then either. But Joy and Grayson did, so we compromised and had a gender reveal party when I was eight months pregnant. We were supposed to be doing the same for this one. Except Naomi—who was in charge of setting up the reveal—let it slip at lunch earlier. I wasn’t mad. She looked exhausted, which I suppose was to be expected with twin eight-monthold boys. But I didn’t know how to tell Grayson.

Even though it wasn’t my fault, I felt guilty. Of the two of us, he’d been wanting to know. “I know the gender,” I blurted out. I was still looking down at my stomach when Grayson’s hands froze. “I didn’t mean to. We were at lunch and Naomi let it slip, but she’s really—” He chuckled, lightly squeezing my feet. “Relax. Naomi sent me a text after it happened. She felt awful.” “Oh. Did she tell you what we’re having?” “No. She wanted to leave that to you.” He lifted his eyebrows, waiting. With a small smile, I rested my hands against the sides of my stomach. “A girl. We’re having a baby girl.” “We are?” He exhaled, gently setting down my legs before scooting down and pulling me into a hug; well, as much of a hug as he could give me with a beach ball between us. Grayson kissed my cheek and pulled back, staring into my eyes while his hands framed my face. “I want to name her Taylor,” I whispered. I hadn’t been sure if he’d been thinking it, but the look in his eyes told me he had. “I was thinking about it when we had Leo, too. I had a middle name and everything.” “Let’s hear it.” One of his hands dropped to my knee.

“Taylor Elizabeth Mable.” “I love it, Ellie. Thank you.” He leaned forward to kiss me right as Andy came in. “Ewww…” We separated with a chuckle, settling back against the couch. Grayson wrapped his arm around me and lightly stroked my shoulder. “Sorry, bud. Where’s your costume?” “Oh. I haven’t decided.” “Still?” I groaned. “It’s an important decision, Mom.” “Yeah, Mom,” Grayson teased. “I’ve been helping Leo with his.” Then he turned toward the stairs and screamed, “Are you ready?!” “Yeah!” came back. “Okay, close your eyes.” We both did as we were told, listening to little feet running across the wood until Andy told us we could open our eyes. Our oldest was standing proudly next to his younger brother, who was dressed in a makeshift suit. Leo was wearing his own black pants and white shirt, but he was swimming in one of Grayson’s suit jackets and had one of my husband’s ties hastily looped around his neck. “Hmm… I’m stumped,” Grayson finally said. Both boys turned to me, pleased with the possibility of fooling both of us.

“Yeah, me too.” “Leo wanted to be his favorite superhero,” Andy explained. My husband still seemed lost, but I was slowly putting the pieces together. Finally Leo couldn’t hold it in anymore. “I’m DADDY!” he screamed. I winced, rubbing my ear. Both our sons had too much energy and lung capacity for my sanity sometimes. “You’re… me?” Grayson asked, pointing to himself in disbelief. Leo came over and wedged in between us. “Don’t worry, I know you’re not a real superhero,” our youngest whispered as he pulled on his dad’s pant leg. Before either of us could say more, he finished, “You’re better than a superhero.” Grayson’s eyes glassed. “And why’s that?” “Because you’re real.” An implicit duh was tacked on the end. Stick a fork in me. I was done. These kids may drive me insane, but they had the biggest hearts. I ran my hand through Leo’s hair. “Does he still get a cape?” My son bunched up his face in contemplation. “I guess.” Leo whipped toward his father. “But I get to pick it.” “I wouldn’t want it any other way.” Glancing over, I saw Andy standing there with a proud look on his face. I waved him over and

even though he pretended like it was a chore, he slumped over and sat next to me. My arm went around him and he melted into my side. After a few minutes, the boys stood up and started bickering. Grayson erased the distance between us and pulled me into his side. He weaved his fingers through mine before placing a kiss on the back of my hand. “I love the story we’ve written,” I whispered, my eyes focused on his. “I can’t wait for what comes next.” My husband rested our joined hands on my stomach. “Me too. Fate hasn’t let me down so far,” he said with a grin. “I love you, Grayson.” “Always.” With a softer smile, his gaze roamed over my face like he was looking at something precious. “I see you, Ellie…” And he’s never made me doubt it.

“When You Were Young” - The Killers “Fuckin’ Perfect” - Pink “Numb” - Sia “Collide” - Howie Day “Demons” - Imagine Dragons “Wanted” (Cover) - Dez Duron “You and Me” - Lifehouse “Every Storm” - Gary Allan “Superheroes” - The Script “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” (Cover) - Ariana Grande “Brave” - Sara Bareilles “Your Song” (Cover) - Ellie Goulding “Come Home” - One Republic (Feat. Sara Bareilles) “Something Just Like This” - The Chainsmokers & Coldplay “Come To Me” - The Goo Goo Dolls

It’s only my name on the cover, but it took so many people to make this book a reality. I am beyond grateful for all the love and support the following people have given me. They deserve so much more than I can ever give them. First and foremost, thank you to my family for putting up with the crazy deadlines I set for myself (and then flail around to meet). Thank you to my friends who don’t hate me (right??) for constantly changing/delaying plans. I love you all for understanding how much my writing means to me! To my beta readers: Delilah Frost, Jenny Baker Reimer, Kristen Humphry Johnson, and Robin Renee Hill. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it a thousand times: you guys are the unsung heroes in the book world. I write the book and like it, but you guys help me love it. You give me suggestions, and put up with endless questions and revisions. This book wouldn’t be the same without you. And an extra shoutout to Robin, who tirelessly helped me nail the blurb for this book. I honestly didn’t expect us to

be going back and forth until two in the morning when I asked you to look over it. Thank you SO much!! To Sarah at Okay Creations, your covers blow me away. I’m like a kid on Christmas when I get the mockup. Thank you creating such stunning covers for this series! To my editor, Stephanie Parent. Thank you for dealing with how much of a slacker I am, and believing my lie of “I’ll be more prepared next time.” ;) To my formatter, Stacey Blake at Champagne Formats. I’ve loved working with you so far, and I’m excited to continue! To Mary Ruth for creating amazing designs. You are such a pleasure to work with, and I can’t wait for what’s to come! To H.A. Robinson, Malene Dich, and Sarah Torpey. Oh boy, you three lift me up so much. You guys have swopped in and saved me from self-doubt without even realizing it. All the likes, shares, and random messages you send my way push me to keep going. I need you to know that I never take any of that for granted. I could never say thank you

enough <3 And last, but certainly not least, to Briana Pacheco. Holy shit, woman, what the hell would I do without you??? Seriously. You see more of my crazy than anyone else, and somehow you put up with me. You’re involved in every single aspect of my book life. Dude, you are truly irreplaceable and you’ve made this journey so much easier by being in my life. THANK YOU!!!! Plus all the emojis ;)

Jeannine Allison is an author of contemporary and New Adult romance. After waffling between many degrees in college, she finally graduated with a BA in English Literature from Arizona State University. She loves writing and reading—obviously :)—but when she’s not, she enjoys playing with her two dogs, watching her favorite YouTube beauty bloggers, drinking coffee, googling new tattoos, and pretty much anything else that allows her to wear yoga pants and a sweatshirt. Facebook Instagram Goodreads Website Pinterest

The Unveiling Series Unveiling the Sky Unveiling Chaos Unveiling Ghosts Unveiling Fate

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