Copyright © 2014 François Beausoleil All rights reserved.
CONTENTS Acknowledgments
1
Introduction
4
1 The Blame-Free State
7
2 Dissolving Enemy Images of Others
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3 Dissolving Enemy Images of Self
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4 Dissolving Enemy Images of Situations
52
5 Learning from Blame
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6 Transforming the Blame that We Receive from Others 61 7 Working with our Fears of Being Blamed
68
8 Conclusion
73
!
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Even though technically I’ve been writing this book alone, it certainly seems to me that it was a team work. So many people either encouraged, or supported me in all kind of ways: offering feedback and suggestions, sharing their enjoyment of my drafts, giving me ideas, providing examples, helping with editing, formatting, structuring, etc.
I specifically want to thank:
Siddhartha Beausoleil
Bryan and Jennifer
Anya Borissova
Alicia Dunams
Marshall Rosenberg
Keith Mills
Joshua Seldman
Amanda Blaine
Geneviève Martin
Raphaël Kolic
Gilles Beausoleil
David Fessell
Julie Beausoleil
Inbal Kashtan
Camila Reyes Azcuenaga
Miki Kashtan
Lauren Brown
Kit Miller
Ann Malabre
Robert Gonzales
Anna Belle Leiserson
Jeff Brown
Jagruti Gala
Arun Gandhi
Sofie Bakker
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To Siddhartha, Marie-Florence, Emmanuel, Sara.
May we leave them a peaceful world.
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“Performance = Potential - Interference” W. Timothy Gallwey, The Inner Game of Work
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INTRODUCTION During one of my business trips in United States (I’m based in Quebec, Canada), after a day of work, I decided to watch a bit of television in my hotel room. After all, it was right in front of me and seemed to be seeking attention. After scrolling through the stations, I settled on a NBA1 basketball game. The match was close and obviously there was a lot of intensity around who would eventually win. I did not know anything about the teams, or their players, where they were in the season or why this game was important, but I was floored by the performance of one particular player. He seemed to be scoring from everywhere, no matter how much pressure he was under ... 3 points, 2 points ... and he was also blocking shots in defense! I found out later the name of that player: Lebron James. In the end he scored 22 points in a single quarter of the game! What struck me was not his physical ability but the overall mental state that probably led him to play that well. It looked superhuman to be able to pull this off in the context of so much pressure and so much at stake in terms of professional sport. I later learned that this was not just any game but a replay of one of the best games ever. This experience added to my passionate quest for cracking the code of the perfect state. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 National Basketball Association 2
!Mandela (transcript from video): “There was a lot of cruelty which was practiced on myself and my 4
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Over the last 3 years, I have accumulated multiple examples of top performances and they all pointed to the state people were in at the time of these performances. This is how the High Performance State project (HPS) was born: I’m proposing a formula, a detailed checklist, and a complete manual to get ourselves in the best state possible.
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REASONS TO READ THE HIGH PERFORMANCE STATE (HPS) BOOKS 1)
Optimize what you can achieve in terms of personal and professional well-being and performance.
2)
Understand the principles and the roadmap of the HPS so you that can pass it on and inspire others to benefit from it.
PROJECT MAP The High Performance State is achieved by mastering the 5 Sub-States described in each of the volumes:
Volume 1: The Blame-Free State Volume 2: The Performance State Volume 3: The Collaborative State Volume 4: The Unified State Volume 5: The In-Love State
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1. THE BLAME-FREE STATE On May 10th, 1994, Nelson Mandela became South Africa’s first democratically elected president. That day, after spending 27 years in prison, he invited, as an honored guest, his last (white) jailer to this historical inauguration. Many of us hold grudges for far smaller grievances; and as we do so, even if it feels “right,” we are actually creating our own internal prison, each of these grudges, or blaming thoughts adding another bar to our self-made cell, until there is no room for the light to enter. Individuals such as Mandela understand the power that lies in letting go of our blame of others, and I would argue that through doing so he was often freer than many of us during his 27 years in jail.2 *** On January 27, 1986, in an overheated room in Cape Canaveral, at NASA headquarters 3, a group of engineers from Thiokol (a consulting firm) asked !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 !Mandela (transcript from video): “There was a lot of cruelty which was practiced on myself and my colleagues (in prison). You must also understand that the wardens are themselves workers, are themselves human beings, with problems, who are also exploited, and are the victims of the system; and one of our objective was to insure that we improve our relationships between ourselves and these wardens, help them in their own problems. In that way you forget about anything that is negative like hate. You are dealing with human beings, and you want to live in peace with these people, you want them also to go and spread the same message to their own people, as we want to spread to our own people, and in that situation it's very difficult to find room for hate.” 3 NASA: National Aeronautics and Space Administration 7
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for a five minute break. A few minutes ago, they had recommended to not launch the Challenger mission and received this answer from Lawrence Mulloy, a NASA manager: “My God, Thiokol, when do you want me to launch, next April?" Just previously they had been threatened with expulsion from the Space Shuttle Program because of their lack of support for the immediate launch. Upon their return from their break, the engineers recommended the launch. On January 28, 1986, at 11:38 Eastern time, 73 seconds after the launch, the space shuttle disintegrated off the coast of Florida, instantly killing its sevenmember crew, with 17% of Americans watching it live, because of a mechanical problem that Thiokol’s engineers had been well aware of. Sadly, it seems that things didn’t change much at NASA after this tragedy; their organizational culture of blame and making excuses has been seen as part of what led to the Columbia accident in 2003.4 My goal is not to blame the blamers. It is to underline the potential impact and dangers of a culture of blame and attribution of wrongness. It is also to offer an alternative.
MY CLAIMS 1.
Blaming is a tragic waste of resources, unless we can understand it properly.
2.
We blame others or the situations that we’re in mainly to protect ourselves from the pain related to underlying (and often unconscious) blame that we have toward ourselves.5
3.
Moving out of blame is possible. It is extremely beneficial for you, the people around you, and the people around these people.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 NASA’s culture of excuse-making and finger pointing became increasingly rampant over a period of years and is believed to be a key factor behind disasters such as the Columbia Shuttle accident in 2003” (Mason, 2004; Oberg, 2003) 5
or toward someone whom we want to protect. 8
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Doing so can be achieved through a variety of means, or processes, that can be done alone and/or with support.
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE IN THE BLAME-FREE STATE In the context of this book, being in a blame-free state means being able to transform (or diminish) any sense of wrongness about self, others, or the situations we’re in. It also means that we know how to navigate being blamed by others and that we learn how to free ourselves from blame-avoiding behaviors6. WHAT IT GIVES TO BE IN THE BLAME-FREE STATE Being Blame-Free gives you two of the most important assets anyone can wish to have: 1) the ability to create and sustain thriving personal and professional relationships and 2) the empowerment that comes from being out of the victim stance, and the widened and ever expanding field of possibilities that comes with it. Relationships Who are we, what can we do, and how enjoyable is life without relationships? According to Neil Farber, Ph.D., columnist for the magazine Psychology Today: “When it comes to detrimental things that you can do to screw up your relationships, blaming the other person for something – justified (in your mind) or not, is at or near the top of the list.” Empowerment When we blame others, who has the power?7 When we can move out of blame, we become self-responsible; from that place, and from that place only, we can design a life that is aligned with our values and goals, as opposed to being a victim of the world. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 6 Behaviors that we do to avoid being blamed 7
This framing is borrowed from Inbal Kashtan 9
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I invite you to take a moment to imagine how different your life would be if you were no longer impacted or distracted by people whom you see as “driving you nuts,” or if you simply did not think of them as being wrong or bad. Please take a minute or more to enter this inquiry and picture how your life might be. (Do it ... really do it ... right now) For many of us, it would make a big difference and allow us to have the space, time, and energy to accomplish what we most deeply want. Similarly, I now invite you to ask yourself: what would you do differently, how would your life be, if you were not afraid of being blamed? THE COST OF BLAME8 Between ages 16 and 45, although I was living the dream of doing what I loved being a professional drummer, percussionist, and composer, my life was often “contaminated” by blame. I’m now painfully aware of the costs of being in this mindset: multiple musical groups, various relationships destroyed – stimulating tons of pain – as well as a lot of deep struggle inside me as I blamed myself for my shortcomings that led to these failures. What a liberation it has been in the last 10 years since I understood the tragic effects of blaming and learned how to work with it, to transform it. It resulted in a spectacular enhancement of my well-being and the well-being of those !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 8 “When people blame others for their mistakes, they learn less and perform worse. This problem is magnified when blame becomes embedded in the shared culture of groups and organizations. The spread of blame is detrimental to individual and collective well-being and overall performance.“ (“Blame contagion: The automatic transmission of self-serving attributions”, written by Nathanael J. Fast and Larissa Z. Tiedens) “Repeated blaming leads to several negative consequences, including decreased health and well-being (Tennen & Affleck, 1990) and damage to one’s reputation (Forsyth, Berger, & Mitchell, 1981; Forsyth & Mitchell, 1979; Lee & Robinson, 2000; Lee & Tiedens, 2001). Blaming is also harmful ingroup settings. Groups and organizations in which blame is routinely expressed are less psychologically rewarding for their members, less conducive to learning and innovation, and less productive than those in which people feel safe to take personal responsibility for their own mistakes (Edmondson, 1996, 1999; Gittell, 2003). And, companies whose executives attribute failures to external factors suffer from inferior stock performance relative to otherwise comparable companies (Lee, Peterson, & Tiedens, 2004).”! 10
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around me9. The knowledge of how to transform blame is the most important skill that one can have. If I could have only one skill, this is the one I would choose, no single doubt. In my current phase of life, I’m passionate about inviting others to access the benefits that can come not only from stopping blame, but also from learning about oneself through this process. In workplaces 10 , I see blaming and finger-pointing as some of most damaging behaviors in terms of collaboration and teamwork. Blaming is actually the very opposite of how I strive to live my life – and inspire others to do the same – which is to assume positive intention (more on this topic later) and share responsibility (Volume 4: The Unified State). Why is blame so damaging? The main answer lies with issues of trust and self-trust. It is widely agreed11 that when trust is present between people, it will !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9 This liberation happened through the study of a modality called Nonviolent Communication (NVC), created by Marshall Rosenberg. I have been a Certified Trainer for the Center for Nonviolent Communication since 2008. For more information on NVC, visit www.cnvc.org. 10
#“In so many workplaces, people feel they’re playing a high-stakes game of “blame!or be!blamed,” which can be disastrous for the individuals who get caught up in it and can sink teams and afflict whole companies.” (The Blame Game, Ben Dattner and Darren Dahl). “Blaming others for one's misfortune is associated with impairments in emotional well-being and physical health.”! (Howard Tennen and Glenn Affleck at the University of Connecticut School of Medicine's Department of Psychiatry) “Blame focuses specifically on culpability; it is especially likely to evoke a hostile or negative response when the event is severe, when the person to whom the event is attributed is present, and when the presumed victim judges that the perpetrator should have known that the act is severe (Hall, French, and Marteau 2003; Tennenand Affleck 1990) “Moreover, when someone causally interprets negative events as the direct product of other people’s behaviors –! when blame can be attributed directly to another –! the probability of subsequent aggressive behaviors increases”. (Fondacaro and Heller 1990; Powell and Rosén 1999)! 11
!“A model was tested relating!trust!with perceived task performance, team satisfaction, relationship commitment, and stress. In this model,!trust!is presented as a multi-component variable with distinct but related dimensions. These include propensity to!trust, perceived trustworthiness, cooperative and monitoring behaviors. Data from 112 teams collected in three social care institutions in The 11
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lead to much more effectiveness in collaboration than when there is distrust. Similarly, if we don’t trust ourselves, we most likely feel disempowered, and life is extremely different than when we live from a place of self-trust. Blame is one of the main things that will break both trust in others and oneself. The effect of such a break is often dramatic. Think about how long it takes to build trust! Often, just one instance of blame can destroy a long time of trust-building. As one manager I work with recently quoted: “Trust is earned in inches and lost in miles.” The net result of a lower trust/self-trust is a decrease in perceived safety. If we don’t trust others, we need to be guarded to make sure that we protect ourselves. If we don’t trust ourselves, being on our own can be dangerous, since we cannot rely on our internal compass. In both cases, we can feel unsafe, which is likely to decrease our confidence.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Netherlands were analyzed with structural equation modeling to test the model. The results are supportive of the multi-component structure of!trust and confirmed the importance of!trust!for the functioning of teams in organizations. The results suggest that!trust!is positively related with perceived task performance, team satisfaction, and relationship commitment, and negatively related with stress. In addition, perceived task performance was positively related with team satisfaction”. (Trust within teams: The relation with performance effectiveness, Ana Cristina Costa, Robert A. Roe & Tharsi Taillieu, 2001)
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Figure 1.1 Vicious Cycle 1
Another costly aspect is that the more blame there is toward self/others/situations, the less efficient one will be. In some situations it may not make a big difference, but in many other cases it’s certainly going to have an important impact. Here’s why: first, when we blame, we often lose discernment and objectivity because we start filtering life according to the blame and therefore don’t work with accurate data to make our decisions. Second, we use a lot of our “brain power”, energy, and time being upset with others. And this energy simply will not be available for most important things. On top of that, when we are resentful, upset, and angry with others, blaming them, seeing wrongness, we lose not only efficiency but also simply the joy of living. When I ask people during my training sessions, “How does it feel when you blame someone?” Most of the time what I hear are variations of: “It doesn’t feel good,” “It’s tense,” “It’s stressful.” One man responded: “It eats your heart.”
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Figure 1.2 Vicious Cycle 2
For many of us, being in the blame mode is not a pleasant experience. Most of the time it leads to a higher levels of stress, which leads to suboptimal decision-making. That’s the way the human brain is designed. The more stressed we are, the more we go toward the fight or flight or freeze response; access to the frontal brain, where all the logical functions are located, is greatly diminished, and then we can’t make well thought-out decisions. As we’ll see in Volume 2 “The Performance State,” stress impacts our health; 70% of sicknesses are caused or worsened by stress.12 Stress is mentioned in 85% of the consultations in doctors’ offices. It is very, very impactful.13 Stress carries !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 12 UK HSE (Health and Safety Executive) stress statistics 13
!According to the American Institute of Stress: “There are numerous emotional and physical disorders that have been linked to stress including depression, anxiety, heart attacks, stroke, hypertension, immune system disturbances that increase susceptibility to infections, a host of viral linked disorders ranging from the common cold and herpes to AIDS and certain cancers, as well as autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and multiple sclerosis. In addition stress can have direct effects on the skin (rashes, hives, atopic dermatitis, the gastrointestinal system (GERD, peptic ulcer, irritable bowel syndrome, ulcerative colitis) and can contribute to insomnia and degenerative neurological disorders like Parkinson’s disease. In fact, it’s hard to think of any disease in which stress cannot play an aggravating role or any part of the body that is not affected.” 14
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upset; therefore, because of the impact of blame on how stressed we are, it affects our health negatively. Moreover, if part of a decision that you make includes the will to punish someone, or prove them wrong, then it is likely to distract from the real goals – the real needs present for any individual in any given situation – and also lower the quality of the decision. It will also probably set you up for multiples rounds of escalation/retaliation, costing you even more of your precious life energy.
Figure 1.3 Vicious Cycle 3
I remember a particular event. At age 16, one day after a fight with my girlfriend, as I walked aimlessly in the streets around where I lived, I connected the dots about past events in a way that was completely influenced by the fight: “That’s why she didn’t want to see me last week. She didn’t want to tell me the truth. ... She’s been lying the whole time. ...” and so on. This was followed by blame toward myself: “I was so stupid to trust her. I should have seen it coming.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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This type of situation often looks like an endless soap opera inside our heads. It can be entertaining; however, a whole range of other needs are not being attended to when we remain in this kind of drama.
Figure 1.4 Impact of Blame
Another example of this happened with a friend of mine a few years ago. She had agreed with her boyfriend – whom she’d been with for 10 years or so – that he would leave the key to his apartment in a hidden place close to the door of his building. When she arrived at his place, around 1 a.m., the key wasn’t there. She started to walk, wondering where she could find a place to sleep. As she walked, she became more and more upset, and started to line up evidence of how much her boyfriend didn’t care about her. So much so that at one point she decided to leave him. She then noticed a jingling in her pocket; she took a look and found … the key! Then she remembered that putting the key in his mailbox was an earlier agreement. Later on, her boyfriend told her to keep the key because he really wanted to make sure that she could get in easily. Until this moment, she had forgotten about it. So far I have written about our internal experience in relation to blame. Think about how it will be when you start interacting with the person whom you internally blame, or see as being wrong! How do you think the interaction will go? People feel it when we have judgments about them. I remember one executive asking me during a seminar, “What can I do when I work with a bunch of idiots?” I responded, “Well, honestly, as long as you think that they’re a bunch of idiots, there’s not much you can do.” He looked at me really surprised, and then I explained a bit more and he got my point. People know what you think of them, and then they get defensive. That’s been the story of communication over thousands of years: someone says something that includes blame or any version of wrongness. The other person gets defensive or counterattacks. They’re then very far from using their resources in a way that supports any collaboration, synergy, or partnership. This process often leads to relationships being damaged, the creation of a lot of pain, and no one any closer to reaching their goals. 16
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One of my friends shared with me that she had told her son recently, “Just imagine that people can read your mind. So if they were to read what you think of them, what would be the impact of that?” And the reality is, of course, not as extreme as mind-reading, but it goes in that direction. We can often notice when someone is upset with us, or blaming us, because we are geared toward detecting danger, and that’s one version of danger. In organizations, what often happens is that coworkers team up to be upset with someone. They will start to filter things out and exaggerate. “Oh, did you see what she did today?” “Oh, my God, don’t tell me. This is unbelievable. She’s so ...” And on and on. And this can be extremely painful, and lead to depression and even suicide. When people start to team up against each other, it results in an increase in tensions, and therefore a decrease in collaboration and flow of information, which then leads to a loss of efficiency, less employee satisfaction, and … the job does not get done. The net result is that people are unhappy at work. Ultimately, tasks or projects go down the drain, or performance is negatively affected overall.
Figure 1.5 Vicious Cycle 4
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ENEMY IMAGES At the core of the Blame-Free State resides the concept of “enemy images.” An enemy image can be described as a sustained blame that we hold, or a persistent negative idea of someone else, ourselves, groups, animals, objects, situations, and so on. To explain this concept, I use two definitions, which, even if not “perfect,” usually help get the point across. Here’s the first definition: “An enemy is someone whose story we don’t know.” It’s not a “perfect” definition because there are, of course, many people whose stories we don’t know who are not our enemies at all; we simply don’t know them. The point of this definition is that often, when we do know the story of someone to whom we had attributed wrongness, they stop living as an enemy inside us. This was certainly true for me in one specific situation that happened in 1997. I was listening to the national news on the radio. There was an interview with a member of a group14 who conducted armed attacks against villagers in Algeria, murdering men, women, even children. The journalist asked this person why he conducted these actions. The interviewee seemed upset by the question. He replied in a quite intense tone of voice: “You want to know why? I’ll tell you why! I did this because if I had refused to go and kill these people, it would have been me and my whole family who would have gotten killed, right there, on the spot, and someone else would have gone anyways.” What was transformative for me at that moment was that I asked myself: “What would I do if I were in a similar situation?” Suddenly this man whom I had seen as a monster a few seconds ago became a human being with an impossible and tragic choice to make. After listening to his story, I had far less of an enemy image of him even though I felt utmost horror about what happened and what he did; to a certain degree, I understood him. It doesn’t change the fact that I totally disagree with his choice, deeply mourn what he did and the impact of this choice. Because I can now see him as a human being in an impossible situation, it allows me to search for solutions to these !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 14 Armed Islamic Group of Algeria 18
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types of events, rather than shutting down in hate and disgust and wasting my inner resources to blame him and people like him. Here’s the second definition: “An enemy is someone who stands between you and your needs being fulfilled.” This speaks to spontaneous bursts of upset, as opposed to ongoing blame. I believe that the spontaneous version of enemy image, even if not sustained, is likely to have a significant negative impact on your well-being and your ability to do what you want with your resources. Think about the common experience of waking up, wanting to go to the (only) bathroom, and finding that someone else is in there. A typical reaction might be: “Arghh, how come she’s always in the bathroom when I need to go!” This might seem insignificant, but in this moment, we lose some of our quality of presence. The energy used to be upset and blameful is not available for other tasks. A possible next event might be that we hit our little toe on a hard piece of furniture, which would stimulate pain and more frustration. This would possibly escalate to other things and ruin our day. Does this sound familiar? So even small enemy images might impact our days. It is almost a religion of mine to process any wrongness that I notice about others, self, or situations, in order to avoid the domino effect that may ensue. The increasing cost of enemy images over time is similar to the accumulation of fares on a taxi meter. The longer you take to work on your enemy images, the more expensive it gets. And sometimes it becomes so expensive that you can’t pay by yourself, and then your whole family, community, or even whole country will have to cover the cost. Before deciding what you’re going to say or do, or don’t say or don’t do, it’s extremely important to make that decision based on accurate data. If the data that you’re looking at imply enemy images of others, the decision will be skewed. An enemy image is different from an assessment. We can assess people and have a sense of who they are or how they behave, their level of efficiency at work, and so on. It is our understanding of who they are, which is different than seeing the person as being wrong or bad (or right and good). 19
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And, as mentioned before, when we go into this territory of wrongness, it can be detrimental to us – and to the other, but I’m mostly concerned with you. It’s going to negatively impact, at least a little, the quality of the decisions that you will make. This little shift might make all the difference.
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2. DISSOLVING ENEMY IMAGES OF OTHERS (DEIO) Many of us know well the experience of thinking about a specific person and, every time, feeling upset, resentful, or angry. That’s the general feel of enemy images: a clear sense of wrongness about a specific subject. These enemy images can be of people we may or may not know. But they can also be of people who are very close to us. For example, in one organization that I was helping a few years ago, there was a woman who was closely involved with the main group that I was working with. Many people had problems with her. I would hear people talk about “Mary” in different conversations, saying, “Oh no, Mary’s going to come again …” or “Mary’s never happy about this and that.” I heard a lot of comments along these lines. One day as I was coaching one of the managers, “Jane,” she was telling me the same kind of things about Mary. I asked her: “What are some of the things that you’re not happy with in relation to Mary?” Jane answered: “Well, she always wants to decide by herself. She doesn’t consult with us, makes her decision alone and they are final. So it was clear to me that she was carrying an enemy image of Mary, a real sense of wrongness about who she was and how she acted.
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In this case, working with Jane was a very fast and simple process. I have different ways to work with enemy images, although I mainly use a nine-step process when I help people with this type of issue. Here I simply said: “I’m curious, Jane – are there some situations in your life where you make decisions by yourself without checking with others?” There was silence on the other end of the phone. After a few seconds, I said, “Jane, are you OK?” She said, “Yes. But I think I got something.” Then she added, “Yes; I’m a mother of five kids, and oftentimes I make decisions by myself without checking with them or other people.” After a few seconds of silence, she continued: “I just realized that it’s probably what’s happening with Mary: same as for me as a mother; she’s the one responsible, she’s the one in charge, and if anything goes wrong, it will come back to her.” And then just in that moment things turned around; I could see that she was not upset anymore, that she was connected to the humanity of Mary, as opposed to seeing her as someone who there’s something wrong with. Interestingly, the next day they had a meeting, and Mary ended up helping Jane with some of her own issues at work. It turned into a beautiful collaboration. That’s what’s possible when we dissolve these images. WHY WE BLAME OTHERS During a retreat that I was coleading in California, Mikako, a student and colleague, shared an insight that is now intrinsic to my theory about blame. She said that we build blame or enemy images of others because we cannot deal with the pain related to our underlying blame for ourselves. In other words, we feel this pain and don’t know how to take responsibility for it; it’s too difficult, too scary. Then we take that energy and we point it toward someone else so that then that person is responsible. Therefore we don’t have to go into self-doubt and feel pain about something being wrong with us. It’s already hard to live with it when you have that belief, but if you were to add more evidence to it, it’s even more difficult. Then it’s got to be someone else’s fault. This is a way to protect ourselves, but is it true protection, when we 22
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deny our responsibility? Not really. And then the damage that can be done in relationships is huge. During one Nonviolent Communication (NVC) retreat, I co-led a session focusing on transforming enemy images with Robert Gonzales, a prominent NVC trainer. We worked with a volunteer. She had an enemy image of a policeman whom she’d seen on television chasing a peace activist during a demonstration in her country of origin, Venezuela. At some point, Robert asked her: “What is the blame that you have towards yourself in relation to this situation?” After thinking for a few seconds, she said: “I’m upset at myself for not doing anything to make things better in Venezuela; I have a great life here in United States, but I don’t help people in my country.” This was the real pain, which had been covered up by blame toward this policeman. Going through the process helped her discover this important part of herself that had been mostly invisible before that. She could now use this information to take action. There are other supposed benefits from blaming: we can superficially feel better about ourselves and we can have compassion from people who see us as a victim. This was true for “Janet,” a seminar participant whom I worked with in the summer of 2014; through receiving coaching, she realized that blaming her husband’s lover was getting her a lot of sympathy in the community. As demonstrated in a session with a client last summer, we also blame because we believe that if we stop, we are doing a favor to the person whom we’re upset with. This is a typical error that many people make: clinging to anger seems empowering, as if we’re standing our ground. For example, it was a profound revelation for Michael, an Irish man who was part of an NVC program that I was leading in Germany, to realize that letting go of some of his blame toward his brother, who hadn’t reimbursed him a six-figure amount of money, was a gift to himself, not to his brother. He suddenly felt lighter and joyful, now knowing that he could start being generous again. I had a similar experience with a woman whose ex-husband was in prison for domestic violence. At the end of the Dissolving Enemy Image process, she told me: “I have such a weight off my shoulders; thank you so much.” 23
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A few years ago, I was listening to a recording on communication by motivational speaker Tony Robbins. He was sharing how trying to find a way to move out of anger or blame toward others, because he was aware of the cost, of the poor quality of data that could lead to problematic decisions, and how he was working really hard on trying to find a sequence of questions – or a “technology,” as he calls it – to address that. One day during an intensive program that he was leading, he was talking to some of his colleagues and had a vision of what that sequence could be. The discussion was recorded. Later on, he asked one of his assistants to get the recording transcribed for the next day so that he could use it to teach this new content that evening. So the assistant took the tape and left. The next day, Robbins asked for the transcription around 4 p.m. Someone told him, “Well, didn’t you hear? There’s no transcription.” When he heard that, he got really angry at his assistant. He started blaming her really loudly in his mind and seeing all kinds of decisions that he might make, possibly firing her or humiliating her or yelling at her when he saw her. And then the irony is that he tried to use the technology that he had discovered the day before, just to realize that it didn’t work. So on top of his frustration about the tape, he had another frustration: this thing that he was so excited about actually didn’t work in this situation. So he settled himself a bit and then started to try to improve his technology and found some other pieces that actually helped him to get really calm and be ready to approach his assistant (See Appendix 1). One new question he added to his sequence was: “Is there a reason why I should apologize to the person I’m upset at?” Not an easy question when you’re in this triggered state where you see in such a clear way that obviously this person is responsible for all the problems. But that got him thinking; one of these thoughts was: “Well, she’s been working with me for a long time and she’s been helpful and really, really dedicated.” He then recalled so many things that she had done well for him, including sometimes late at night or on weekends. When he looked at it more objectively, he could see many other things she did that he was very grateful for. 24
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So that’s when he found what he might apologize for: “Maybe I should just apologize from being so upset at her, without even checking what happened.” Given the quality of services that she had extended to him over the years, he could apologize just because he hadn’t trusted her more and started blaming her. That shifted his approach to the whole situation. And he actually started to feel sort of sheepish, not happy with his reaction. He then approached his assistant from a calm place, just wanting to understand what happened, and he heard her side of the story. She had taken the tape and brought it to a company that did transcription. She’d brought it early in the day and they agreed to do it by a certain time; then when they were supposed to be done with it, they called her and told her that they couldn’t do it. There were too many words that they couldn’t understand, the quality of the tape was not good enough. And at that time, Robbins was already in a session, so she didn’t want to disturb him. Then she tried a couple of other things to transcribe it, but nothing worked – no one could do it. When Robbins heard that, he could see that the whole thing completely made sense. And he appreciated that he had done his own work to move out of blame and felt settled in terms of understanding what really happened. He was now out of anger and able to focus on what to teach that evening. Which is really the main point that I want to bring across: these things take a lot of energy, time, and other resources, and have a real impact on our lives. To put this example in perspective, Tony Robbins is a guru of self-help and motivation; he’s written more than 20 books, so if he falls for this, many of us will too. But when we consciously work with these triggers – these bursts of anger or blame – when we spot them and dissolve them, we can learn very important things about ourselves. They are big pointers toward things in our lives that are not working as well as we’d wish; anger especially tells us a lot about specific needs of ours that are calling loudly for more attention. So with an intentional process, we can not only avoid making moves that we might regret or costly decisions, we can also get to understand ourselves more deeply. And we can use that information to reshape our lives. (More on this later.) I’m convinced that this dynamic is at the heart of many unresolved conflicts, even wars. It starts with one enemy image, one blame, and then things escalate. Another way to understand why we blame can come from asking ourselves, “What might I lose that I value if I were to stop blaming?” This question was the key for Janet, the seminar participant whom I mentioned earlier. She found 25
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that if she stopped blaming one member of her community, she might lose the support and care from others who saw her as the victim in the situation. How to Do It There are a wide variety of ways to dissolve or transform enemy images of others. In the context of this book, I’ll explain the main process that I use for myself and with clients or students; most of these processes are derived from my studies of Nonviolent Communication. I want to clarify that this work is sometimes far from being easy, in some cases virtually impossible. I advise you to start by dissolving enemy images that are mild; for example, at a 3 on a scale from 1 to 10 (with 10 being the hardest image to dissolve). It is possible to work and make progress on enemy images at level 10, but this requires a much more in-depth and usually longer approach. Working on easier enemy images is likely to help you prepare the ground for the really hard ones. These ones might require an incredible amount of work over an extended period of time, but anytime you make a little progress, it will be totally worth it. That said, the very first requirement is to have the intention to open your heart, to dissolve the enemy image; just getting there might already be a huge challenge. So, please start slowly, and do what you can to not pressure yourself and … not blame yourself if you fall short of your expectations.! First, I’ll illustrate with one situation in which I was able to move out of blame quickly and got a lot of benefit from doing so. In 1996 I was visiting my parents for their fiftieth anniversary of marriage, with Anya (my wife) and Siddhartha (my son). The celebration was held in Quebec City, where my parents lived. In the morning I left the room that we were renting at the university at about 9:30. I had agreed to do several errands for the event. Before leaving, I told Anya: “Call me on my cell phone at 11:30, because at that time, I will need to know where you’re at and to agree on when I will pick you up. [I couldn’t call her because we didn’t know the number to reach the phone which was in the room.] So please call me at 11:30.” I added: “What time are you going to call me?” She said: “11:30, I got it.”
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I added that last question because I know that misunderstandings can happen very easily in situations like this, and I really wanted the agreement to be clear. I went to run my errands, and then at 11:30 she didn’t call; same thing at 11:45; and at noon she hadn’t called either. I was starting to get really upset and noticing my thoughts: “How could she do this today, out all days?” “I can’t believe she’s so unreliable!” As I watched the kind of thoughts I was having, it came to me that I’d maybe better practice what I preach. … I went directly to the last step of the process that I mostly use. This step invites us to find a scenario that would lead to have as little blame as possible toward the person whom we have an enemy image of. I was already upset and a little angry, so it was not that easy; but I was trying to find the scenario: “Maybe she ... maybe she couldn’t find the phone. ... No, it’s not possible. It’s a small room. There’s a bed, there’s a phone. Right? So it’s impossible.” And then it hit me: “Oh, my God! Maybe she had a problem with the calling card!” Because we were not in the city where we live, she needed to have a calling card to call my cell phone; she couldn’t do it directly. And then I remembered that we had already had some problems with that card … so maybe it had happened again. I suddenly became calm, much more relaxed, although I had no clue about what had really happened, if she forgot or if it was something else. I didn’t know anything; but as a result of using my process, I was now calm. And that’s the goal. This is one of the most important benefits from dissolving enemy images: we can come back to a calm state. An essential part of the High Performance State is to be calm and connected to what might be going on for others in any specific situation. After that, I kept running errands for a little while, and when I went back to our room, I saw Anya and said, “Hey, what happened? Did you have a problem with the calling card?” She answered, “Yes! Are you OK?” She added, “I’m so sorry. I tried to call you but the calling card didn’t work. I even tried to go and buy another one, but you had the car so I just couldn’t go anywhere. Are you OK?” 27
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So let me tell you that I was very happy with the work that I’d done to come back to that calm place, because if I had come to her and screamed: “You’re so unreliable! How could you do that? That is so insensitive!” Or: “You only think about yourself,” or whatever I might have said along those lines, it might have brought quite a fight between us – and that could have ruined the whole party. SIX-PART SYSTEM The Dissolving Enemy Images of Others (DEIO) process is a six-part system: • Being Heard • Assuming Positive intention • Rehumanization • Meaning • Rewriting the story • Finding the underlying self-blame Part 1: Being Heard Human beings need to be heard. It’s easy to notice that with children; they come home crying, and if you just listen to them and are present for them, one minute later, they might be back playing and having forgotten the reason why they were crying. People “complain”!or “vent”!because they need to be heard. I often say that when someone is heard, 50% of the problem is solved. In other words, we often need some space between our reaction to a challenging situation and finding the solution for it. If the solution comes right away, we will often dismiss it, simply because we’re not ready for it. As a coach, often I immediately see the course of action, the solution for a client; and I also know that telling them right away is likely to not be helpful. So when we have an enemy image of others, the first step is to find a way to be heard about it. Luckily, we can “hear”!ourselves, so we don’t always need to depend on others. However, especially when the pain is high, I recommend finding someone else to hear you, although doing it in a regular basis is the best. Myself, I have three half-hour appointments per week dedicated to being heard and hearing the other person. 28
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The focus on being heard can be about how you felt after a specific incident related to the person whom you have an enemy image of, or it can concern how you feel now about it. The key to being heard is to focus on two elements: feelings and needs15 (feelings are underlined and needs are in bold in the example below). Examples!
Heard by Someone!
A construction contractor bills for an amount higher than agreed upon for a specific task.!
“Sounds like you’re pretty upset with this; it might be hard to trust this guy now”!
Heard by Self (Written, Spoken Out Loud, or Silently)! I’m disappointed and hurt. I want reliability and I value honoring agreements.!
It is also crucial to refrain from using nonempathic responses. Here are some examples of what not to say. Examples! A construction contractor bills for an amount higher than agreed upon for a specific task.!
Nonempathic Responses! Gathering data: Has this happened before? One-upping: I’ve had much worse; one day ... Feeding the fire: Wow, you should fire him and sue him! Giving advice: Don’t hire people you don’t know. Storytelling: It happened to me once that ... Denying: Don’t worry about it; there’s much worse problems Analyzing: This is really you! You’re so naive! Judging/criticizing: You should never deal with hiring or supervising workers in the first place.
These types of responses, even if commonly used, are often not helpful, mainly because they take away the focus from the person who is speaking, and they skip a couple of key things: 1)
The speaker doesn’t have room to be heard about what’s present in relation to the actual situation. Being heard is often a necessary step to
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 15 You’ll find a list of feelings and needs in the Appendix Section 29
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move organically toward a solution. If the advice comes too fast, the speaker might not be able to take it in at all, only because being heard is actually more important at this moment than strategizing. This is a stereotypical disconnect between men and women; the woman expresses that she’s unhappy with something and the man jumps into “fix it” mode, and now there’s tension between the two, adding more complexity to the situation. 2) The speaker doesn’t have choice about receiving either advice or analysis about him-/herself. Many people don’t like to receive unsolicited advice, and very few people enjoy being told what’s wrong with them or what they should do when they’re already in pain about something. Sadly, it is commonly believed in our society that when someone shares something that they’re not happy with, the most helpful response is to immediately try to fix the situation or the person – which, even if it comes from a desire to help, often makes things more difficult for the person who expressed the issue. Can you relate to this? Part 2: Assuming Positive Intention This is similar to giving the benefit of the doubt or offering the presumption of innocence. One of my corporate clients recently told me: “When I focus on the positive intentions of others, I don’t even need to think about the words I’ll use and the interactions go well.” That’s an illustration of the almost magical power of assuming positive intention. In a nutshell: in face of anything that happens in relation to what someone does that impacts you, you have a choice: assuming a negative, neutral or positive intention. While we actually don’t know what is their intention, we can chose to assume that people have a positive intention; I believe that doing so is one of most liberating thing you can do, and most of the time you’ll be right. Let’s lay down a few (real) examples to understand this.
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Example
Negative Intention
Neutral Intention
Positive Intention
A construction contractor bills for an amount higher than agreed upon for a specific task.
He is trying to steal from the employer
He made a mistake.
Based on what he found through doing the renovation, he wants to improve the solidity of the house in the long run. He wanted to talk about it but forgot, being too busy doing the work.
A coworker sends an e-mail saying: “Stop putting everyone in cc.”
He just wants to humiliate the receiver.
He didn’t pay attention and wrote quickly.
He wants to protect people’s time, privacy, and energy by reinforcing an e-mail guideline.
A colleague doesn’t allocate the funds that you wanted for your research.
She wants to send a message that your project is not important.
She is just doing her job based on the decision parameters that she was given.
She is prioritizing another project that has been urgent and neglected for a long time, which has to do with taking care of families who are about to lose the roofs over their heads.
Someone whom you’re writing a book with decides to continue writing it alone while you are away.
He wants to take advantage of you and of your work, and take all the credit.
For some reason he understood that this is what you both wanted.
Since he is doing most of the work and you are not available, he decided to write it alone to meet the publication deadline, thinking that both of you will write something else together later on.
A policeman hits a protester with a baseball bat during a riot in Brazil.
He wants to punish and hurt the protester.
He is doing what he was told to do.
He wants to maintain order to protect everyone by setting an example of potential consequences if people continue to act in this way.
I’m guessing that you’ll agree that the actions you take and words you say will be greatly be impacted by whether you assign negative, neutral, or positive intention to others’ actions. In the majority of most people’s day-to-day interactions, my claim is that you and everyone will be best served if you assume positive intention, for the same reason that I mentioned before: you’ll be less stressed, therefore more 31
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present and able to make reasonable decisions. You’ll also be more calm and resourceful when you enter a conversation with the person (or people who know that person), so they will not pick up blame, which is more likely to open the door to collaboration. Moreover, in work or family contexts, most of the time, assuming positive intention will be beneficial even if the person did have a negative intention. This might be shocking to read, and in case that your internal lawyer is screaming “objection,” let me say a bit more about this. First, obviously, I agree that people sometimes have negative intentions toward us; they want to hurt us, they want us to pay, or they simply want to take something from us, take our place, or take advantage of us. Second, in my experience, very few people wake up in the morning with the goal to mess things up for you and make your life difficult. But even if someone who knows you and is part of your networks has a negative intention toward you, assuming positive intention is likely to bring better results than assuming negative intention, simply because you’ll be more calm and less defensive and will not reinforce behaviors that could feed the negative intention of the other. This would more likely promote mutual understanding and collaboration than if both people are in fight mode. For example, if Bill didn’t show up to a team meeting because he thought that it would be a waste of time, and was upset with his teammates and wanted them to suffer a bit, which of these two scenarios do you think is likely to lead to a productive dialogue? Scenario 1: “Hey Bill, I’m guessing that either you didn’t know or forgot that the team was meeting at 8:00 a.m. today, or that something happened to prevent you from being there. I’d like to touch base with you to make sure you can be there tomorrow because we really need your input.” Scenario 2: “Hey Bill, I know you don’t care about the team meetings – but you know what? it’s part of your job to be there, and if you want to keep receiving a paycheck, you’d better show up tomorrow”.
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Of course, I’m not suggesting that you be blind or naïve when facing negative intentions; my point is that coming from a place of trust will be accurate 99% of the time, and even when it’s not accurate, it will lead to more possibilities for collaboration with people who are part of your existing networks. Blame vs. Responsibility I suggest that it is possible to know who is responsible, who is the “author” of an act, without assigning blame to that person. Being Blame-Free doesn’t mean that people are not responsible for their actions; it means that we still use our discernment to assess who did what, but that we don’t assign wrongness to them for doing so. For example, at the end of last winter, I was so busy that I delayed taking care of changing the winter tires of my car for the summer ones. (Winter tires are expensive, so we try to remove them as early as possible to avoid wearing them out.) Am I responsible? Yes. Did I do that because there’s something wrong with me? No. Part 3: Rehumanization Simply put, when we have an enemy image of someone, it means that they have stopped to some degree being human, and become a thing, an obstacle. To bring back the humanity of people whom we’re upset with, there is a simple formula: put our attention on what they might have been feeling and needing at the moment of the action that they took. Things don’t have emotions and don’t need anything, but humans do; so as soon as you glue feelings and needs to the people whom you have enemy images of, they have a chance to become human again, and then we’re likely to be able to relate with them as such. This can lead to understanding, and potentially compassion, which opens the door to inner peace and fruitful collaboration. Let’s explore this through the same situations:
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Example
Feelings (at the Moment of the Action)
Needs (at the Moment of the Action)
A construction contractor bills for an amount higher than agreed upon for a specific task.
He might have been feeling stressed, upset with how the work was progressing
Maybe he needed trust that he was honest and that he had the owners’ best interest at heart.
A coworker sends an e-mail saying: “Stop putting everyone in cc.”
Stressed? Worried? Angry? Overwhelmed?
Consideration? Support in applying e-mail guidelines?
A colleague doesn’t allocate the funds that you wanted for your research.
Torn? Stressed? Tired?
Equality of access to funds? Support for people with more pressing needs?
Someone whom you’re writing a book with decides to continue writing it alone while you are away.
Torn? Sad? Motivated to complete the project?
Movement? Effectiveness? Honoring agreements with the publisher? Sustainability?
A policeman hits a protester with a baseball bat during a riot in Brazil.
Angry? Scared? Drained? Stressed?
Respect? Regaining of peace and order to avoid chaos and protect lives on both sides?
Do you notice any shift inside you after taking time to connect with what might have been going on for these people at the level of feelings and needs? Part 4: Meaning Now, here’s one of the most helpful distinctions that I can think of to live a “sane” life. In the words of Tony Robbins: “We only feel pain in relation to the meaning we attribute to things, not in relation to the things themselves.” For me this is profound, and we can find applications for it countless times in a day. Here’s how it works: something happens and we immediately assign a meaning to it. This type of meaning often has the words “never” or “always” in it; it is some conclusion about life that feels completely true in the moment and happens almost simultaneously with the event. Typical examples are: it will never work; I’ll always find a way to ruin things, and so on.
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The point is that we feel emotions in relation to the meaning we attribute to the events, not the events themselves; and since it happens so fast, the conclusion we make registers as the truth. For example, many years ago, my girlfriend suddenly shut down to me, and this lasted for a few days until I pushed her to tell me what was going on. She then reluctantly told me that since I had started a job working with an exgirlfriend, she would never have me fully to herself. Let’s unpack this from the girlfriend point of view: Event: my boyfriend is working with his ex-girlfriend. Meaning: I’ll never have him fully to myself. Pain in relation to Meaning: despair, shutdown, deflation. The way to work with this is to (1) first discover the meaning that we attributed to the event, (2) question the validity of this meaning by asking the question, is it true? (3) see that our reaction is caused by the meaning, not by the event. Great Coaching, Dad I coach my son from time to time, and my greatest success in supporting him this way had to do with helping him understand this very question of the meanings that we create, and their impact on how we feel and on decisions that we make. When he was 15, he came and asked for some coaching in relation to a girl whom he wanted to go out with, and to ask her on Valentine’s Day in a few days. He was pretty nervous about it. I told him: “Look, the only way you’ll feel bad if she says no has to do with the meaning that you attribute to her no. If you create the meaning that you’re not attractive and will never have success with girls, that there’s something wrong with you, and that you’ll end up alone, you’ll definitely feel miserable. If you attribute the meaning that it was not a fit, or not the right timing, you’ll be fine.” I added, “And what if she says yes now, and in two weeks she changes her mind? When you hear the yes, you create a series of positive meanings, and then if she says no, you replace all these meanings with negative ones. Does it 35
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really make sense to define who you are and how your life will unfold based on hearing yes or no from her? She actually said no; but my son was fine, and awarded me: “Great coaching, Dad.” Let’s look at the examples again: Example
Meaning (about Self, Others, or the World)
Resulting Emotion
Is It True?
A construction contractor bills for an amount higher than agreed upon for a specific task.
There’s just no one Fear, whom I can trust. discouragement, depression
No, there are many people whom I can trust.
A coworker sends an e-mail saying: “Stop putting everyone in cc.”
I’ll never be able to enjoy working here.
No; it’s not pleasant to receive this e-mail but most of the time I love my work.
A colleague doesn’t allocate the funds that you wanted for your research.
It will always be Anger, resentment, Not true; I have received like this; I’ll never frustration grants before, and I’m likely be able to have to get some again. what I need to do my work as long as I stay here.
Someone whom you’re writing a book with decides to continue writing it alone while you are away.
I’ll never be able to write again,
Deep sadness, disengagement, loss of self-esteem
No. I can get over this, and slowly start writing my own material.
A policeman hits a protester with a baseball bat during a riot in Brazil.
There will never be any freedom in this country.
Deep mourning, anger, discouragement
Not necessarily; these people are fighting for their freedom, and there’s been progress in the last few years.
Disheartenment, loss of energy, mourning
In terms of the enemy image work, being clear on the meaning that we attribute to events is crucial; this holds the key to understanding the real reason
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why we’re upset or angry; and it’s usually not so much about others, but about what’s important to us. Part 5: Rewriting the Story Misunderstanding To complete the DEIO process, it’s crucial to put on your detective hat, to search out options other than what seems obvious. To do this, I suggest that you ask yourself: “Could there be some misunderstanding16 in this situation?” I believe that about 80% of conflicts are based on misunderstanding; therefore, if we can uncover them, we drastically increase our ability to be in the Blame-Free State (see examples below). Creating a Scenario The final piece of the puzzle involves creativity, imagination. We are very talented at, often very quickly, creating worst-case scenarios. Let’s see if we can use this talent to design a scenario that would leave us with as close as possible to no blame at all for the person whom you have an enemy image of. The key questions here are: “What is it that I don’t know? What am I missing? What is in my blind spot?” Let’s work again with our examples.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 16 or miscommunication. 37
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Example
Possible Misunderstanding Between People Involved in the Situation
Scenario that Would Lead to No Blame
A construction contractor bills for an amount higher than agreed upon for a specific task.
He made an agreement with the husband to do more work than originally planned, and the husband didn’t mention it to the wife before leaving home for a month.
The contractor is dedicated to doing the best work possible for you and to maintain his reputation. As he started to work, he uncovered deeper problems; to honor his proposal, he reduced the extra cost to the minimum, but since he had talked about it with the husband, he assumed that the wife would be aware of the change.
A coworker sends an e-mail saying: “Stop putting everyone in cc.”
The coworker was upset because he thought that the receiver of the e-mail knew about the guideline. He also thought that the receiver had wanted to make him look bad in front of others.
He wanted to be honest because he values giving authentic feedback. He also wanted to protect other people who might feel offended when many names are in cc. He was also tired, so he wrote fast, but his words conveyed more upset than he meant to.
A colleague doesn’t allocate the funds that you wanted for your research.
She thought that you had other funding options, while these other people didn’t have any.
She knew more about the whole context, specifically about the dramatic impact it would have on some families to not receive support.
Someone whom you’re writing a book with decides to continue writing it alone while you are away.
He thought you’d be OK with his choice, given your lack of availability. He also remembered a conversation in which you mentioned that it would be fine if the book ended up being written just by him, since you could collaborate on other things later.
He might have wanted to make it easier for you, since you were going through some personal challenges. He also wanted to respect the deadline with the editor and couldn’t see how to do it with both of you as writers, since you were traveling and extremely busy with other projects.
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Example
A policeman hits a protester with a baseball bat during a riot in Brazil.
Possible Misunderstanding Between People Involved in the Situation
Scenario that Would Lead to No Blame
Although it doesn’t change the overall balance the power, a misunderstanding could be that you don’t know what happened before: maybe the protester attacked the policeman, which triggered that reaction.
The policeman is concerned about everyone’s safety and thinks that if he doesn’t react to a direct attack, it will trigger many more of these actions, which might result in chaos and potentially a blood bath. He’s also doing what he was asked to do, wanting to honor his agreement to serve and apply orders.
After this part, typically people’s enemy images have decreased; they can see another side of the story and they are aware of at least some humanity in the other. This type of shift, even small, can dramatically impact the course of events. At this point, we are ready to look at the deeper reason blaming others: the blame which we have for ourselves that we can’t face because it feels too unsafe. Part 6: Finding the Underlying Self-Blame At the heart of most blame for others resides a blame toward ourselves (or someone whom it would be too difficult to admit that we blame 17 ). As mentioned before, we often cover up this self-blame by directing our upset toward someone else to avoid the pain that would result from assigning blame or wrongness to ourselves. Therefore, it is essential to find the self-blame if we want to resolve a blaming episode, grow our self-understanding, and have the possibility to expand our freedom by moving out of shame or guilt. Here’s how it would look: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 17 I encountered this scenario twice in my work with clients: In the first, a mother blamed many people while defending her son in a situation in which the son obviously had something to do with the problem. In the second, the wife protected her husband, by blaming elsewhere. 39
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Example
Blame for Other
Underlying self-Blame
A construction contractor bills for an amount higher than agreed upon for a specific task.
He’s dishonest and wants to take advantage of the situation.
I should never have insisted to make these renovations; we don’t have the money to do it.
A coworker sends an e-mail saying: “Stop putting everyone in cc.”
He’s a bully! What’s wrong with him? It was totally justified to cc everyone on this e-mail.
Arrgh ... he’s right; I should have been more careful; not everyone needed to be in cc. I shouldn’t even have bothered to send that e-mail; I have much more important things to take care of.
A colleague doesn’t allocate the funds that you wanted for your research.
How could she do that? She knows I need this funding!
I knew it was risky to count just on that grant ... I should have applied for at least one other one, or realistically assessed my chances to get this one.
Someone whom you’re writing a book with decides to continue writing it alone while you are away.
He’s taking advantage of my work!
I was not really available for this project; I should have been clear from the get-go that I didn’t have time for it.
A policeman hits a protester with a baseball bat during a riot in Brazil.
How could he do that? It’s totally unfair!
I’m not doing anything for my country.
Which brings us to learn how we can dissolve enemy images of ourselves.
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3. DISSOLVING ENEMY IMAGES OF SELF (DEISe) In order to be in the Blame-Free State, we have to reduce blame the full 360 degrees; so let’s now put our attention on enemy images of ourselves. We’ll start by looking at what self-blame is, why we do it, why it is costly, and how to shift out of it.
WHAT IS SELF-BLAME? Self-blame, simply put, is an attribution of wrongness to ourselves. Common examples are: “I’m so stupid,” “I should have known better,” “Will I ever learn?” and so on.
WHY WE BLAME OURSELVES In a similar fashion as when we blame others, self-blame occurs because of a learned mechanism that consists in associating the experience of something problematic with wrongness in the system. In other words, something that is seen as a problem happens, and immediately we’re on the search for who or what is wrong that is responsible for it. As I mentioned before, the blame, or attribution of wrongness, can go in three directions (sometimes in a combination of two or three): others, self, situation. My claim is that at the heart of any of these resides self-blame, that this is the real deal, even if it’s hidden under different disguises. One theory that explains self-blame is that at a young age, when something happened that didn’t work for us, we were faced with a choice: something was 41
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wrong either with our parents or our environment, or with ourselves. In terms of survival, it would be far too scary to conclude that the wrongness is with the parents or the environment; therefore the safest conclusion would be that there would be something wrong with ourselves. Most people carry the belief that there’s something wrong with them, so when something happens that feels wrong, the logical explanation is that the wrongness is about them.
THE COST OF SELF-BLAME Self-blame can be extremely costly18; it undermines our capacity to enjoy life, have self-esteem, and trust in our potential to accomplish things. Moreover, shifting out of self-blame is crucial to reducing our reactivity and taking things personally, two things that are extremely damaging to our relationships, health, and general well-being. How to Move Out of Self-Blame The system I’m using this time is a five-part system, very similar to what I proposed for moving out of blame for others: • • • •
Being heard Assuming positive intention Rehumanization Meaning
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 18 Author Everett Worthington in his book Moving Forward writes: “The societal cost of selfcondemnation probably runs to the billions of dollars, if you could add up the loss of productivity, creativity, and personal investment that is buried in self-condemnation. Self-Blame leads to depression, anxiety and stress disorders. It costs businesses millions of dollars in issue of employee conflict, loss of efficiency, and hiring and retraining new employees when workers quit as a result of having suffered some shaming personal interaction”. Author Jane Middelton-Moz links self-hate and emotional dependence in her book The High Cost of Unhealthy Anger to Individuals and Society: “Self-hate and emotional dependence feed each other. Self-hate causes individuals to reject themselves and, as a result of self-rejection, to feel unable to depend upon themselves. They are forced into emotional dependence on other people and subsequently hate themselves for the dependency.” Carl Alasko: “There’s another form of blame that works like an emotional cancer inside our minds and bodies: self-blame. This is our most unexplored and most toxic form of blame. SelfBlame occurs when we turn criticism, accusation and especially punishment and humiliation inward, when we criticize our own behaviors and accuse ourselves of being incompetent for making a mistake-and don’t let up”.! 42
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Rewriting the story
Part 1: Being Heard As I mentioned before, being heard is an important human need. I want to add a few elements. When we do something that others can see as wrong or bad, many of us go immediately to fears about our acceptability and belonging; this generates a high level of stress, which in turn clouds our ability to think clearly. When we are heard by others or by ourselves, it relaxes these concerns because our calculation is that, since we have been heard without fingers being pointed at us, there must be some hope for acceptance. Then, from that place of relaxation, we can access more creativity and expand our field of possibilities.19 In a very similar way as with DEIO, being heard is critical to the success of moving out of enemy images of ourselves. Examples!
A speed-skater participating in a relay race at the Olympics loses his balance, and falls, resulting in his team’s not getting a medal.!
Heard by Someone!
Heard by Self (Written, Spoken Out Loud, or Silently)!
“I’m getting how devastated you are that you fell during the race, and how much you wanted to help the team win”!
I’m shocked and appalled by what happened; almost heartbroken. I also want some acceptance and peace about what happened, but it’s hard to do in this moment.!
Again, feelings are in italic and needs are in bold in the above example. Next is another example of what not to say.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 19 Thanks to Ann Malabre for suggesting that I add this point. 43
THE BLAME-FREE STATE! Examples!
A speed-skater participating in a relay race at the Olympics loses his balance and falls, resulting in his team’s not getting a medal.!
Nonempathic Responses!
Gathering data: Has this ever happened before? One-upping: That’s nothing! Last year I had the whole team disqualified because I arrived late at the competition. Feeding the fire: Man, you should be ashamed of yourself! Giving advice: You should stop worrying about this and focus on the next race. Storytelling: I remember what happened in 1980 when this guy fell and had everyone else fall as well, and they had to start the whole event again. Denying: It’s not that bad; you’re still alive. Analyzing: I think your problem is that you put too much pressure on yourself. Judging/criticizing: You are so weak! When are you going to learn to deal with pressure?
Part 2: Assuming Positive Intention Let’s look at some examples of situations in which there is an enemy image of self, and again explore the different intentions that could be present. Example
Negative intention
Neutral intention
Positive intention
A speed-skater participating in a relay race at the Olympics loses his balance and falls, resulting in his team’s being disqualified.
I was careless, not focused enough. I ruined it for me and all the team.
It was just bad luck
I so wanted to contribute to the team winning a medal, to help my country to win the Olympics, that I was a bit too aggressive.
A boy goes to his friend’s house after school instead of going home to unlock the door for his siblings as he had agreed to do, leaving them waiting outside for two hours.
I’m so stupid! How could I forgot something as important as that? I was careless and looking for trouble.
I just forgot; it happens
My friend felt alone and has been asking me to play with him for days. I wanted to be present for him and I got distracted and forgot the agreement I had.
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Example
Negative intention
Neutral intention
Positive intention
A teenager spills coffee on his friend’s father’s suit by making a false move with his hand during breakfast
I was just completely sloppy and not careful.
I was so sleepy, I didn’t notice his cup of coffee.
I wanted to make it easy for him by bringing the sugar closer to him, but I miscalculated my gesture in my sleepy state.
A music student fails to pass a piano exam at the conservatory (Piano is his second instrument)
I didn’t care about this exam or about the teacher, I didn’t seriously prepare for it.
What a surprise! I didn’t see it coming! I guess I didn’t have accurate information on what it meant to pass this exam with success.
I really liked playing piano but mostly I wanted to please my teacher who was so encouraging and believed in me so much.
A school director decides to keep the school open even though there is a snowstorm coming, resulting in various problems.
I wanted them to understand how stupid their snowstorm guidelines are.
I made the decision based on the information I had; at the time, it made sense.
My goal was to save money for my employer (closing the schools without a valid reason would end up costing more, since the school day would need to be rescheduled) and to honor the responsibility that I have by applying the relevant guidelines in these situations.
Part 3: Rehumanization As with DEIO, feelings and needs words have the power to bring back the sense of our own humanity and open the door to self-compassion, selfacceptance, and even self-appreciation. When that happens, we are in a very different paradigm! Instead of being at war inside, we are partnering with ourselves; we’re cultivating a way of living that is truly self-supportive. When we can experience it internally, then we can do the same externally. The rehumanization is the most important part of that sequence.
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Example
Feelings (at the Moment of the Event)
Needs (at the Moment of the Event)
A speed-skater participating in a relay race at the Olympics loses his balance and falls, resulting in his team’s being disqualified.
Scattered, anxious, stressed, aggressive
Success, support for team members, contribution to team and country
A boy goes to his friend’s house after school instead of going home to unlock the door for his siblings as he had agreed to do, leaving them waiting outside for two hours.
Excited, distracted, immersed, engaged
Fun, spontaneity, release of stress, contribution to friend
A teenager spills coffee on his friend’s father’s suit by making a false move with his hand during breakfast
Tired, sleepy, sleepdeprived, nervous about starting a new job and about breakfast with his friend’s father.
Reassurance that job will be OK, spaciousness to wake up
A music student fails to pass a piano exam at the conservatory (Piano is his second instrument)
Enthusiastic, nervous
To be seen for all the work he did
A school director decides to keep the school open even though there is a snowstorm coming, resulting in various problems.
Torn, stressed, pressured
Honoring existing guidelines and agreements about procedures
Part 4: Meaning As with DEIO, to dissolve enemy images of ourselves, we need to have discernment, to thoroughly check the facts and find out where we might have built inaccurate, or at least questionable, conclusions or assumptions.
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Example
Meaning (that You Attached to the Experience)
Resulting Emotion
A speed-skater participating in a relay race at the Olympics loses his balance and falls, resulting in his team’s being disqualified.
I’ll never be able to succeed in this sports world; I’ll have to find another career.
Discouraged, depressed
Not necessarily; many top athletes have had failures and come back. Especially in speed-skating, falling is common; it doesn’t mean I’m talentless.
A boy goes to his friend’s house after school instead of going home to unlock the door for his siblings as he had agreed to do, leaving them waiting outside for two hours.
I’m so unreliable. I can’t be responsible for anything.
Scared, pessimistic
Actually, no. I usually honor my agreements. This was an exception.
A teenager spills coffee on his friend’s father’s suit by making a false move with his hand during breakfast
I’m so clumsy! I’ll find a way to ruin this also!
Shaky, shameful, scared
No, not really. I’m not so clumsy when I play drums!
A music student fails to pass a piano exam at the conservatory (Piano is his second instrument)
I’m disconnected from reality. I’ll never be able to play piano well! I make really bad choices. Investing all this time was dumb.
Appalled, depressed, regretful, resentful
No. Now that I think about it, none of that is true.
A school director decides to keep the school open even though there is a snowstorm coming, resulting in various problems.
This job is not right for me.
Depressed, scared, deenergized
Well, not really. This has been really hard; but first, I didn’t make the decision alone, and second, overall it’s going pretty well.
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Is the Meaning True?
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Part 5: Rewriting the story Let’s now ask the questions: 1. Could there have been any misunderstanding? 2. What scenario could lead me to have as close as possible to no blame for myself? Example
Misunderstanding
Scenario that Would Lead to No Blame
A speed-skater participating in a relay race at the Olympics loses his balance and falls, resulting in his team’s being disqualified.
Well, the ice was much softer than when I practiced an hour ago. I knew it would be, but still it took me by surprise. I also thought that the German skater would start from the outside as he usually does, so it caught me off guard when he immediately went on the inside.
I knew that I had to stay right next to the German skater; otherwise we had no chance to win. I decided to give everything I had and take more risks to achieve this; it was all or nothing. We actually agreed as a team to be very aggressive.
A boy goes to his friend’s house after school instead of going home to unlock the door for his siblings as he had agreed to do, leaving them waiting outside for two hours.
I didn’t think they would be stuck outside, but mostly I forgot. One slight misunderstanding might have been that, given the importance of my having the key, I needed a reminder during the day.
I was sure I could do it. But I got so much into play and conversation with my friend, along with never having this responsibility before, that I just plainly forgot. I also hadn’t slept well the night before.
A teenager spills coffee on his friend’s father’s suit by making a false move with his hand during breakfast
This was a pure mistake. But one piece of misunderstanding was that I underestimated my ability to be awake and sharp so early in the morning, and my ability to sleep well before my first day of work.
Pure bad luck; I was super sleepy and intimidated by my friend’s father. It happens.
A music student fails to pass a piano exam at the conservatory (Piano is his second instrument)
Yes, I totally misunderstood my real abilities to pass this exam; my teacher kept telling me that I would be fine, so it was very confusing.
I gave it all I have! Very few percussionists pass this exam. It’s meant for full-time piano students. And I learned a lot. It was actually courageous to give it a try.
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Example A school director decides to keep the school open even though there is a snowstorm coming, resulting in various problems.
Misunderstanding
Scenario that Would Lead to No Blame
Many misunderstandings. The school were not all aligned on the protocol, the weather reports were contradictory, there was no plan for this specific type of storm, which was starting around 6 a.m.
I did my best in a very dicey situation. It points more to a structural problem then a flaw in my competence or ability to make good decisions.
Going through these steps usually helps to reduce the sense of wrongness about ourselves, as well as the guilt and shame that we might feel about what we’ve done. It also trains us to navigate similar situations in the future according to this system, therefore reducing the likelihood of unnecessary suffering. Past Enemy Images of Ourselves and Self-Trust How we relate to ourselves in the past can also have a great influence on our present and future. If you think about things you’ve done in the past in terms like: “I was so stupid,” “How could I be so dumb?” “What was I thinking?” “That was a bad decision,” and so on, it will impact your self-trust, and selftrust is one of the most important asset that anyone can have. When Anya, my wife, was pregnant with our son, we interviewed several midwives. I was impressed with one of them, who seemed very confident and grounded. I asked her: “How can you be so confident? Being a midwife doesn’t seem easy at all.” She told me that her secret to confidence was simply to trust that she was wise enough to make “good” decisions at every step in the process of working with a mother; she didn’t have to play scenarios in her head to make sure that she would be ready; she just trusted that she would do what made sense moment by moment along the way. It struck me, because I wasn’t like that at all; I would spend quite a bit of time worrying about the outcome of what I would do and preparing for various possibilities. Now, back to past enemy images of ourselves: if you relate to past versions of yourself in a negative or blameful way, what does that do to your self-trust? How can you trust yourself in the present if you think negatively about what you did in the past? If this is your approach, whatever you do now is likely to be unsuccessful and fall into the same basket of wrong-doing when the 49
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present becomes part of the past. The implications of this are huge; if you don’t trust yourself, you’ll be hesitant, nervous, unsure, deenergized (why bring energy to anything since it will just turn out to be crap?), and this can turn become a self-fulfilling prophecy of unsuccessful results. This in turn will lead you to believe that you won’t achieve much in the future, which can decrease your energy, enthusiasm, lower your sense of possibility, and bring an overall sense of depression. One friend whom I was talking to recently said that she makes decisions too quickly (the “meaning” that she created mainly out of one specific event) and asked me to help her understand why she does this. After listening to her, I told her that actually I didn’t agree with her assessment of herself, and that I could easily come up with examples of wise decisions that she had made. After hearing these examples, she agreed with me. Next time we talked she told me how much rewriting the past and dissolving enemy images of herself in the past increased her ability to trust herself in the present. It was quite a shift in paradigm for her. Another friend whom I’m coaching/helping realized through our work together that a lot of what he does has to do with protecting himself from having any experience that could activate the belief of not being good enough; he would plan his future so that he would have to face it as little as possible. I pointed out that it would be best for him to directly face the question of self-trust, because all this energy put toward protecting him from feeling bad about himself could be better used if focused on the root cause, and allow him a much greater freedom in what he could do with his life. This is what a lack of self-trust can do: drastically limit the field of possibilities and reduce your energy; both of which can have very negative consequences. How We Talk to Ourselves It’s also important to maintain a cordial tone of conversation inside ourselves. If you notice an internal blaming voice, it is very helpful to know how to navigate it instead of trying to think about something else. In one training I was leading, a man in his 60s arrived in the morning, visibly very moved. I asked him what was going on; he told me that this was the very first morning of his life that he didn’t suffer the pain of hearing internal criticisms as he started his day. Here’s what I had taught the day before in relation to this: when you hear these voices criticizing you, the best approach is to listen and offer empathy to 50
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the voice. The dialogue can sound like this: (Voice 1) You’re so stupid, this was completely obvious ... are you blind or what? (Voice 2) Seems like you’re pretty disgusted when you see the decision that I just made; I guess you want me to be successful overall, and more present in situations like this; is this it? (Voice 1) Exactly Usually I do a few rounds of this type of dialogue and it’s enough to create a shift. It may seem weird; but hey, if it works, why not do it? As a general rule, the more we can practice kindness and compassion toward ourselves, the more we’ll be able to do it with others. How people talk to others is usually, I believe, a reflection of how they speak to themselves internally. The principle behind this is that we have relationships with ourselves that are similar to outside relationships; creating inner harmony is as important, if not more, than external harmony. Sometimes to achieve it we need to stop arguing and listen to difficult messages, which are, as Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication, puts it: “tragic expressions of unmet needs.” We can think of Voice 1 as one part of us that is angry, upset, and scared and doesn’t know very well how to express itself. If we can read into it and connect to the life-serving intention, we can improve the quality of our inner relationship and find more internal peace. And, obviously, this internal peace will be the foundation for external peace.
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4. DISSOLVING ENEMY IMAGES OF SITUATIONS (DEISi) WHAT IT IS We have an enemy image of a situation anytime that we feel unhappy about what’s happening to us in terms of external conditions. Common examples are: “I can’t believe I’m still stuck in the traffic,” “Can’t this guy drive faster?” “I can’t wait to be able to quit my job,” and so on.
HOW TO DISSOLVE THEM As you might have guessed, the same principles apply here, with some variations, sometimes in a more complex form. Part 1: Being Heard Let’s spend some time again on being heard when we blame the situation that we’re in. (Feelings are underlined, needs in bold.)
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Examples!
Heard by Someone!
Heard by Self (Written, Spoken Out Loud, or Silently)!
It took two hours to find a book that my son needs for an exam the next day!
Sounds pretty frustrating! It’s important to you to use your time well.!
I’m aggravated. On one hand, I wish I could have more predictability; on the other, I want to be more effective at dealing with the situation.!
I owe all this income tax money; I’m doomed!!
I’m getting how this is nerveracking! You want some ways of finding peace with this situation so that you can reconnect with your excitement about life?!
I’m afraid about the future, and wanting some hope and reassurance about having control in relation to my finances. I also want to be seen as someone who can manage money well.
I have way too many things to do and not enough time!!
I’m getting that you have a sense of overwhelm and frustration related to how effective and more spacious you want your life to be.!
I’m nervous, almost scared ,when I look at all the things on my plate; I guess I’d like reassurance that I’ll manage the most important pieces.!
Part 2: Assuming Positive Intention Even if we’re blaming the situation, let’s treat this as being mostly a DEISe process. Under the blame of what’s happening, there is probably a finger pointed at ourselves. So the first step will be to find the positive intention for what we might have done that let us to be upset with the situation that we’re in.
Example It took two hours to find a book that my son needs for an exam the next day
Negative Intention
Neutral Intention
Positive Intention
I was careless; I didn’t clarify with him that I had a tight schedule that day
It happens, it’s part of being a father; not everything can be predicted
I so wanted to support him, especially when he has no other strategies than me to help with a tight deadline, and especially if it’s to
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Example
Negative Intention
Neutral Intention
Positive Intention encourage his enthusiasm for school.
I owe all this income tax money; I’m doomed!
I was careless; I Wow. I wish I had should have calculated foreseen this! my income! It takes just a few minutes. I was too afraid to look at our level of expenses with my wife
I was actually really focused on taxes, and I managed to pay three years of taxes in one. I was also really focused on generating income and had my best year ever: 33% more than the year before! It’s a learning curve; I’ll learn – fast.
I have way too many things to do and not enough time!
I should know better; something’s obviously wrong with the way I manage my calendar
Wow. Life feels really full! There are some periods like that.
Yes, I’d like more spaciousness, but given the overall situation, it made total sense that I engaged with all these projects.
This apartment is way too small for all of us. I hate it!
How come I can’t even find a decent place to live for my family?
Could be better, could be worse. Overall it’s not so bad.
We’ll move soon, but so far it’s the best we could find; and it really helps that it’s close to the school. We’re also saving a lot of money with the cheap rent.
This place is a mess!
I should definitely clean; this is unacceptable
I didn’t notice the state of the house; cleaning wouldn’t hurt!
I’ve been really busy taking care of the basic things; I’ll clean as soon as I find time.
Part 3: Rehumanization In terms of rehumanization, I’ll also assume that when we blame the situation we’re in, it’s a cover-up operation for our self-blame. So the rehumanization will be similar to the step in DEISe. Let’s find the self-blame and the main feelings and needs present in relation to it:
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Example
Self-Blame
Feelings (in Relation to the Self-Blame)
Needs Calling for Attention (in Relation to the Self-Blame)
It took two hours to find a book that my son needs for an exam the next day
I should be able to say Upset, discouraged no ... I teach this stuff! Of course I want to support him, but not at the cost of the plan that I had for my time. When will I ever learn?
Hope, self-trust, competence
I owe all this income tax money; I’m doomed!
I was careless, I Regretful, scared should have calculated my income! It takes just a few minutes. I was too afraid to look at expenses with Anya.
Ease, celebration of success, reassurance, support
I have way too many things to do and not enough time!
I’m not managing my time well.
Upset, guilty, disappointed
Self-trust, peace of mind, spaciousness
This apartment is way too small for all of us. I hate it!
I should be able to find a better place – and to pay for it!
Shameful, depressed
Self-appreciation, hope
This place is a mess!
I’m not organized! Why can’t I just take care of the place?!
Frustrated, unhappy
Order, self-trust, peace of mind
Part 4: Meaning Similarly as for the DEIO and DEISe processes, to dissolve enemy images of situations, we need to dig out the meanings that we make of situations. As mentioned earlier, the pain is mostly related to the meaning, not so much to the event.
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Example
Meaning
Resulting Emotion
Is this Meaning True?
It took two hours to find a book that my son needs for an exam the next day
I can’t protect my time when either Anya or Siddhartha asks something. I’ll always be in this overwhelmed state if I can’t protect my time.
Discouraged
No, I often say no, and there is progress at that level. I also have many more tools to protect my time.
I owe all this income tax money; I’m doomed!
I’ll have to work hard all year, and won’t have time to finish my book or write more music.
Sad, depressed
No. Not necessarily. My work can include making progress on the book and the music.
I have way too many things to do and not enough time!
I won’t be able to do it all well, and I’ll pay the price
Discouraged, scared
No. I don’t have to do everything perfectly, and often a little time can be enough.
This apartment is way too small for all of us. I hate it!
I’m a failure! With all the gifts, skills, and education that I have, this is really a disaster.
Shame, depression
Not true; I made different choices than focusing on money and have a successful career. I do many things that people appreciate a lot.
This place is a mess!
I’m so disorganized. I’ll never be able to keep the place in order.
Discouraged, deflated
No. The mess is a sign of action. And it’s not that bad.
Part 5: Rewriting the Story In the case of DEISi, we’ll look at reframes that can help navigate the situation in a surprisingly satisfying way.
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Example
Misunderstan ding
Reframe: What is Reframe: What the best outcome can I get out this possible that I can situation that I have from this would probably situation? have never gotten otherwise; what could I be grateful for in relation to this situation?
It took two hours to find a book that my son needs for an exam the next day
Well, I had no idea that this would come up with such a tight time frame. And I believed that it would be easy to find it according to what Siddhartha told me.
OK, I’m not happy to be stuck in this situation. And let’s see what I can make of it. Let’s have Siddhartha drive, so that he practices. While he does that, I can reorganize my schedule, and as we go from place to place I can shop for some things that I wanted to buy anyway.
I would have never gotten this example that I can now use for my book! And I can be grateful that everything that happens to me can be used to further my own learning about life and help people whom I’m coaching or training. But mostly, I can buy the new iPhone!
I owe all this income tax money; I’m doomed!
Yes, I didn’t foresee at all that my income tax process was not correct and that I would owe all this money.
This will force me to take time to organize my finances, learn about income taxes, create a budget, plan for next years, and reprioritize the use of my time. Not bad!
This situation stimulated me to learn more about fears in relation to money, and to get better at what I do in order to generate more income.
I have way too many things to do and not enough time!
I didn’t know about a lot of the things that are now bringing me close to overwhelm.
It will increase my knowledge of how to do more in less time.
It can help me to inspire others about how to overcome obstacles. I can be grateful that I have so many tools to be more effective.
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Example
Misunderstan ding
Reframe: What is Reframe: What the best outcome can I get out this possible that I can situation that I have from this would probably situation? have never gotten otherwise; what could I be grateful for in relation to this situation?
This apartment is way too small for all of us. I hate it!
I thought that I’d be traveling much more, and I had counted on having an outside office, which didn’t work out.
The best would be to use the small space to the best of our ability, really make the most out of it by talking about what we each need. I remember hearing about a book about small spaces; I could check it out. Also, a great outcome would be to save money for a down payment on a house.
Maybe, more connection and closeness with my family, more compassion for people living in small spaces, and learning skills necessary for these types of situations.
This place is a mess!
I didn’t think that I would have so much work. I virtually use all my time for that, so there’s not much time for cleaning. I also thought that we could hire someone to clean but that didn’t pan out.
I could learn how to clean in bits and pieces, as I take breaks. This could also help me to better organize my office and the house.
I could be grateful for this situation if I solve it and then can pass the solution to others.
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5. LEARNING FROM BLAME Now, this is a good start ... but there’s more. Although being in the BlameFree State offers many benefits, our own blame can also be used as a powerful source of information leading to know ourselves better, highlight what’s important to us, and get clearer on our values. Blame can therefore become an helpful ally, if we can decode it. I suggest that you see blame as a huge arrow pointing toward something that you want more of in your life. Let’s again work with some examples to illustrate this. I’ll take them from DEIO, DEISe, and DEISi. (Notice that in the third column, I write “so that”; I invite you to follow this sequence for your own examples: write the first level of what you want more of, then go to the next level using “so that”). Example
It took two hours to find a book that my son needs for an exam the next day
Self-Blame
Points to what you want more of
Action to attend to it
I should be able to say no ... I teach this stuff! Of course, I want to support him, but not at the cost of the plan that I had for my time. When will I ever learn?
Protect my time so that I can do the things that I want to do to be able to take care of myself, my family, my clients and my business partners.
Make a list of things that I do that are not the best use of my time in terms of having the conditions that I want to be able to fulfill my mission. Then strategize how to let go of some of these things.
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Example
Self-Blame
Points to what you want more of
Action to attend to it
I owe all this income tax money; I’m doomed!
I was careless; I should have calculated my income! It takes just a few minutes. I was too afraid to look at expenses with Anya.
I want order! And flow of communication about the questions of finances so that I can focus on my clients and projects such as book, CD, and show.
Implement a personal finance system and learn it with Anya so that she might be able to use it and help me that way.
A construction contractor bills for an amount higher than agreed upon for a specific task.
I should never have insisted that we make these renovations; we don’t have the money to do it.
I want to make decisions that make financial sense for us, and use my time to do things that I want to do rather than deal with projects that I feel clueless about, so that I have more fulfillment and less stress in my life.
Have a conversation about it with my husband in which I raise the finances issue and ask for his support to help me move forward with my personal projects.
A speed-skater participating in a relay race at the Olympics loses his balance and falls, resulting in his team’s being disqualified.
I should never have bent that much on the turn; it led me to fall and to the disqualification of the team.
I want a better preparation and learn how to handle my stress in key competitions so that I can compete at the level that I know I can, help my team, and support the development of sports in this country.
Ask ten speed-skaters how they specifically prepare for the Olympics or world championships, and maybe even write an article on my results.
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6. TRANSFORMING THE BLAME THAT WE RECEIVE FROM OTHERS The work that we did in relation to our own blame will be very useful to us when blame comes our way; we know the mechanics, we know why people blame, so hopefully we’ll also be able to decode and quickly find our way to the real message under the blame. The level of difficulty is higher, because we’ll often have to do the work in real time, as opposed to dissolving our own blame, which can be done with some reflection time. To succeed at this we’ll need to be prepared and resilient to stress (Volume 2, The Performance State, will provide tools, skills, and mindsets to increase our resiliency). Let’s start again with assuming positive intention; but this time we’ll add another step – finding the real message: the underlying reasonable request. Part 1: Being Heard In this case, we’ll assume that the receiver of the message is the one being heard.
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Example!
Receiver Heard by Self!
Receiver Heard by Other!
You’re clueless; you don’t know anything about massage!!
I feel hurt hearing this; I certainly want more gentleness and respect.!
Are you sort of shocked and wanting care? As well as being seen for your intention and goodwill?!
You give way too many details at our work meetings.!
I’m discouraged hearing this; I want to be seen for all the effort that I’m putting into this and how hard it is to please everyone. !
Are you overwhelmed and at a loss of what to do when you hear this? Are you wanting some hope that there is a way to prepare which will be appreciated by everyone on the team?!
You don’t bring enough details to our work meetings.!
I feel totally deflated. I thought I adjusted well according to feedback. I so want clarity about the level of detail that is appropriate for our projects.!
Are you discouraged hearing this? And maybe wanting a more collaborative approach and clear agreements on your part of the work, so that you can have peace of mind as you prepare for meetings?!
Don’t ask so many questions.!
I’m hurt and angry hearing this; I want respect and care, especially in front of other people.!
Are you hurt hearing this, since you so want consideration in this kind of situation?! Are you also feeling upset and powerless since you don’t know what to say in response to this?!
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Part 2: Assuming Positive Intention Example Of Blame Coming Your Way
Negative Intention of the Speaker
Neutral Intention of the Speaker
Positive Intention of the Speaker
Underlying Reasonable Request of the Speaker
You’re clueless; you don’t know anything about massage!
She wants to humiliate me.
She doesn’t mean She wants to that; it just came guide me out that way. towards a quality of touch that would increase her physical pleasure and our intimacy.
Would you let me guide you? I’ll show you what works for me.
You give way too many details at our work meetings.
He doesn’t like me and wants to punish me.
It’s not personal, but he’d like me to do my part differently.
He wants the whole project to be successful and is offering feedback to me so that we collaborate better.
I’m overwhelmed and not finding the capacity to contribute as much as I want when you present more details than I’m happy with; would it work for you to explore a different approach?
You don’t bring enough details to our work meetings.
He thinks that I don’t do a good job and wants me to get that.
Having more details would make it easier for him to do his job.
In a spirit of collaboration, he wants to let me know what he thinks will bring better results for everyone.
Is there a way that you could bring more details to our meetings? It would help me do my part of the work. I’m especially wanting a higher level of information about the user interface.
Don’t ask so many questions.
She wants to humiliate me.
This could be meant as a joke.
She wants to help me empower myself and trust my own instincts.
I’m tired and overwhelmed; it would help me if you could find your way around this without me.
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Part 3: Rehumanization Similarly to our work with DEIO, let’s bring back the humanity of the speaker. Example
Feelings (of Speaker)
Needs (of Speaker)
You’re clueless; you don’t know anything about massage!
Annoyed, irritated, powerless
Comfort, contribution, intimacy
You give way too many details at our work meetings.
Overwhelmed, scared
Ease, competence, contribution (to the project)
You don’t bring enough details to our work meetings.
Irritated, confused, upset
Support, clarity, ease in moving forward
Don’t ask so many questions.
Uncomfortable, tense, tired
Ease, spaciousness, choice about where to put her attention and how to use her low resources.
Part 4: Meaning Example
Meaning (about speaker or about the World)
Resulting Emotion
Is the Meaning True?
You’re clueless; you don’t know anything about massage!
She’s so demanding!
Upset
Sometimes yes, most of the time, no.
You give way too many details at our work meetings.
He’s so rude! He doesn’t get it.
Angry
Overall, most interactions with him are OK; this is an exception.
You don’t bring enough details to our work meetings.
Here we go again; this time it might mean my job.
Scared, stressed, depressed
Not really; I can’t imagine that this could impact my employability that much.
Don’t ask so many questions.
She thinks I’m stupid.
Angry
No; overall she doesn’t think that I’m stupid, but she surely wishes that I were more
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Example
Meaning (about speaker or about the World)
Resulting Emotion
Is the Meaning True?
knowledgeable about certain things.
Part 5: Rewriting the story Example
Misunderstandi ng
Reframe: What is the best possible outcome that I can have from this situation?
Reframe: What can I get out of this situation that I would probably never have gotten otherwise; what could I be grateful for in relation to this situation?
You’re clueless; you don’t know anything about massage!
I thought that this was Learn about massage. more about touch and closeness than massage.
It would be great if I can stay present with her irritation without losing my ground. I’d also be grateful if I can heal/revisit some difficult moments in my past related to similar messages.
You give way too many details at our work meetings.
He’s not aware that my boss asked me for this level of detail.
I would have never realized that the real problem is in the structure of our work flow, since many people on the team have different expectations about my piece of the puzzle. I’d be grateful if this leads to a more cohesive way of working together and
Create a better work relationship and partnership with the person who gave me this feedback
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Example
Misunderstandi ng
Reframe: What is the best possible outcome that I can have from this situation?
Reframe: What can I get out of this situation that I would probably never have gotten otherwise; what could I be grateful for in relation to this situation? more support from top management.
You don’t bring enough details to our work meetings.
Clearly, this person doesn’t know the guidelines that I got and that other people on the team are actually asking for fewer details.
That people on the team would realize that they are asking for different level of detail and that it’s virtually impossible for me to satisfy everyone.
I might get more selfacceptance and value my efforts more now that I see how I’m caught in this impossible equation. I’d be grateful if this leads me to have more confidence and peace about doing my best in difficult circumstances.
Don’t ask so many questions.
This was probably meant as a joke; actually that’s what she said.
If I can connect about this with her in a way that improves our relationship, it would be great; there’s also a part of me which has to do with standing up for myself that could be improved.
I would never get that I’m still carrying a lot of pain around some situations from my youth. This is therefore an opportunity to work on it. If I can do this, I’d certainly be grateful for this situation.
Part 6: Finding the Underlying Self-Blame Once again, I’ll argue that what is painful about receiving blame is that it triggers self-blame.
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Example
Underlying Self-Blame
Follow self-blame sequence
You’re clueless; you don’t know anything about massage!
I should be better at this.
Positive intention: I want to support her feeling better. Meaning? I’m really bad at this. Is it true? Not so true. Misunderstanding? I had something different in mind. New scenario that would lead to no self-blame: There’s so many areas in which I know a lot; massage is not one of them.
You give way too many details at our work meetings.
I should know how to do my part in a way that works for him.
Positive intention: I’m trying to adapt to all feedback, often contradictory. Meaning? I’ll lose my job. Is it true? I might lose my job, but if I do, it wouldn’t be because of this. Misunderstanding? Yes! the team members don’t understand my role and are not aligned with what my boss asks me to do. New scenario that would lead to no self-blame: In such a context, I can’t see anyone doing better; I’m doing exactly what I’m asked to do, while trying to incorporate feedback. I’m willing to take responsibility for what’s in my court, but there are limits.
Don’t ask so many questions.
I should protect myself better. I let people take advantage of me; I’ve always done that.
Positive intention: I don’t want to retaliate, to be in an eye-for-an-eye mode. I want to find a way to deal with tensions in a way that is aligned with my values. Meaning? I’ll never get the respect I need in this relationship. Is it true? No. I have already enough, and I’m confident I can address this type of issue. Misunderstanding? This was meant as humor. She was not fully awake and stressed. It came out wrong. New scenario that would lead to no self-blame: I actually did protect myself when she said that (although not in a way that I’m happy with). My struggle around protecting myself has more to do with past situations in which I didn’t know how to protect myself and didn’t take care of myself as much as I wished.
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7. WORKING WITH OUR FEARS OF BEING BLAMED Many of us carry wounds and traumas from our youth, when being blamed could have been terrifying. For example, I remember one morning when I was in second grade. I simply didn’t want to get out of the car because I was afraid that the teacher, Mrs. Laforêt, would scream at me because I was late, which I had seen her do to other people more than a few times. My dad was losing his patience because he was late for work, but I was curled up in front of the back seat in utmost terror. Experiences like this definitely shaped me; and while it’s definitely possible to be free from them, I believe that it requires extra work to liberate ourselves from the fear of being blamed in order to live from a greater sense of choice about decisions that we make. If this type of fears lives in you, I suggest partnering with these fears by seeing them as pointing toward a desire for increased safety. Then the question is: how can I do what I want to do based on what seems to be the best course of action, which might include being blamed, in a way that feels safe enough? I’ll demonstrate this through some examples a little later.
BLAME-AVOIDING BEHAVIORS It has been humbling to find that a lot of my life is geared toward avoiding blame. Maybe this next section is just for me ... but I suspect that I’m not alone 68
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in this boat. Delaying response This would be a version of procrastination: we put aside the hot topic, and bury our head in the sand about the consequences of doing so. Sugar-coating When asked to talk about the hot topic, we modify the reality in a way that protects us from receiving blame – often making things worse. Many people prefer to know about the problem as early on as possible. Denying responsibility This might look like finding reasons or excuses for what happened. Although it does make sense that other factors led to the problem, not taking responsibility is rarely helpful in the long run, even if it seems like it’s saving us in the moment. Pointing fingers Similarly, many of us have a tendency to throw the hot potato at someone else when blame is coming our way; this is a sure way to create conflict and be seen as someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their shortcomings. Walking on eggshells Doing our best to not wake up the dragon by tiptoeing around is another blame-avoiding behavior; it can lead to higher stress, and it’s tiring to be hypervigilant in this way. It is also definitely not sustainable as you’re likely to either burn out or explode at some point. One variation of this could be overpreparation. This looks like making sure that everything is perfectly in place before the person who might blame you walks in. It might be rationalized by looking at it through the lens of doing a good job, but if we look at it more carefully, fear of being blamed might be involved as well. Saying yes out of fear of being blamed for saying no
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A preferred strategy of mine! A quick yes can be dangerous, because if we answer in less than 10 seconds, there’s no way that we can assess whether the decision makes sense, given the big picture. (We’ll explore this further in Volume 2: The Performance State.) A yes might come from a fear of blame and trigger unpleasant consequences: loss of our time, resentment, overwhelm, higher stress, disempowerment, and so on. Avoiding or deflecting the hot topic If blame comes our way, we might beat around the bush; again we may not even know that we’re afraid of being blamed, or not want to admit it to ourselves; but if this is part of the equation, it will certainly impact the situation. Trying to be perfect The semiconscious belief looks like: “If I’m perfect, no one can blame me.” The problem is that perfection is unattainable, and when we are blamed anyhow, we can explode. Been there, done that. Dropping your own needs in decision-making Going for other people’s preferences as a way to avoid blame if things don’t work well. You’re with a group, and you say “I’m flexible.” Yes, you are. And is it because you’re afraid of being blamed if your preference turns out to not work well? Overreacting “By the way, did you finish the report?” “No, and if it was so important to you, you should have told me that you wanted it by now, how am I supposed to know it! I said I would do it but that’s not the only thing I have to do, in case you forgot!” If you relate to any of these behaviors, (I hope you do, so I’m not too alone in this!), the cure is simple – and simple doesn’t mean easy. First, you need to be aware of what’s going on, then you can ask yourself, what would need to happen for me to feel safe in relation to this situation in which I’m afraid of being blamed?
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Let’s look at some examples. Example
What’s up for me, what am I afraid of?
Is it likely that I’ll be blamed for this, and what would be the outcome?
What would I do if I were not afraid of being blamed?
What can I do to move toward feeling safe enough to act and speak from authenticity and clarity?
I couldn’t retrieve the videos from the company webinar system; the CEO has been asking for them for months, and I haven’t told him yet that the videos are lost.
Great discomfort, nervousness about telling him the truth.
Not very likely. The outcome would be probably very mild; we would just clarify what happened, and explore what can be done.
I would tell my boss right away what’s happening so he doesn’t build expectations and might think of something else
Tell him the situation as it is, while expressing how sorry I am. Explain some of the causes for the problems.
He’ll be upset and blame me for not doing it well.
To feel more safe about it, I could tell myself that this is not a major problem and that I did all I could. Also, if he blames me for it, I can translate the blame, get the real message, and work with that.
As you’ll see in the next example, it’s likely that you’ll again find self-blame under the fear of being blamed.
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Example
I didn’t manage to retrieve the video files
What’s the blame I have for myself?
Follow self-blame sequence
I should never have agreed to take care of this, and I should have let him know right away about the problem.
Positive intention: I wanted to help even though I didn’t know how the system worked. Meaning? I just can’t do these type of things! It’s not going to work if this is expected of me. Is it true? Not really, I can certainly do some things and say no to others. Misunderstanding? My boss thought that this was a simple procedure. New scenario that would lead to no self-blame: I was handling so much, it didn’t make sense to prioritize this; and I was sure that I could fix it later.
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8 CONCLUSION Self-Responsibility An important benefit that comes from being in the Blame-Free State has to do with self-responsibility. If you have this internal blame-free view of others, the life situations that you’re in, and yourself, you’ll also be free from the usual tendency of looking for what’s right or wrong and who’s good or bad; therefore you won’t have to defend your positions or your identity. This will then bring you to a place of being self-responsible, since you’ll now be focused on creating your own view of the world in every moment as opposed to buying into stories coming from outside. Let’s make this more clear with an example: Situation: you see someone beating another person. Blame-free view (no right and wrong, no good or bad): I have no idea about what led up to this; maybe the person being beaten attacked first, maybe even with a baseball bat. The attacker might be scared and angry and this is the only way that he knows how to express himself and get the respect and understanding that he wants. And who knows, maybe this is already an improvement over using a gun or a knife. Self-responsibility; creating my own view of the world: I get really scared when I see people using physical force on others, causing pain and potentially injuries, and I want to contribute to some 73
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protection for these people and an overall sense of increased safety. Concretely it means to move from “this is wrong” to something like: “I’m noticing that I’m telling myself that this guy is wrong because I interpret that beating this other guy is disrespectful and dangerous, and that leads me to feel angry.” Most people would agree that beating someone else is disrespectful and dangerous. Still, I want discernment within myself; I want to know that this situation is the stimulus for my feeling angry, not the cause. The cause is my own way to relate to what is happening. For example, I can imagine one person looking at the exact same scene and feeling excitement, maybe even encouraging the attacker to strike harder. Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m certainly totally against any form of violence. The distinction here is that to live a in a self-responsible way, I want to know that this position comes from my own values of care and respect, rather than from a place of blame and wrongness about others or from someone else’s worldview. Being self-responsible means that I discern what’s happening inside me and that I understand and own that how this is a result of how I process experiences internally, rather than believing that the outside world is responsible for how I feel. *** Although, of course, there are many different situations, and possibly some exceptions, if you follow these basic processes, tweaking them as necessary, you’ll access or reenter a self-responsible way of living. You’ll get out of the victim mode, and therefore be ready to use your gifts to impact the world positively and have the meaningful life that you secretly (or not so secretly) want. You’ll also be ready to move to the next step: learning how to get in the Performance State, the topic of Volume 2 of the High Performance State Series.
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Appendices
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Appendix 1 : Tony Robbins “Reality Check” Technology 1. Am I willing to learn something valuable from this? And am I wanting to do something right now to make it better? Will making this person wrong will help the situation? 2. What is it that is really upsetting me ? What is the specific meaning that I've linked to this? 3. Could this be a misperception or misinterpretation on my part? Do I have all the information possible to know exactly what it really means? 4. What else could this mean? (come with new meanings that are more empowering). 5. What do I need in order to feel good now? a. Do I need to change my perception about this? b. Do I need to find out more information? c. Do I need to understand this person's view point? d. Do I need to know that this person really cares for me? e. Do I need to get a commitment from this person? f. Do I need to change the way we do things? g. Do I need to apologize to that person? apologize for assuming … h. Do I need to just remember who that person really is, what is our relationship … 6. How can I communicate my needs in a way that truly empowers my relationship with that person? We want to maintain the relationship; making wrong, attacking, or ignoring will not help. "I need your help. …” I want to say that I misinterpreted, give her the benefit of the doubt. I need clarity …
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Appendix 2 : Lists of Feelings and Needs When Needs Are Being Fulfilled We are likely to feel… GLAD, happy, excited, hopeful, joyful, satisfied, delighted, encouraged, grateful, confident, inspired, relieved, touched, proud, elated, exuberant, optimistic PEACEFUL, calm, content, absorbed, expansive, serene, loving, blissful, satisfied, relaxed, composed, blissful, clear LOVING, warm, affectionate, tender, friendly, sensitive, grateful compassionate, nurtured, trusting PLAYFUL, energetic, effervescent, invigorated, refreshed, stimulated, alive, eager, exuberant, adventurous, enthusiastic RESTED, relaxed, alert, refreshed, alive, energized, thankful, grateful, appreciative
When Needs are Not Being Fulfilled We are likely to feel… SAD, lonely, heavy, helpless, gloomy, grief, overwhelmed, distant, despondent, dismayed, discouraged, distressed, disheartened SCARED, afraid, fearful, terrified, startled, nervous, panicky, jittery, horrified, anxious, anguished, lonely, skeptical, suspicious MAD, angry, aggravated, exasperated, agitated, furious, enraged, infuriated, hostile, bitter, pessimistic, resentful, disgusted, irritated, annoyed, disappointed CONFUSED, frustrated, perplexed, hesitant, troubled, torn, embarrassed, uneasy, worried, bewildered, concerned TIRED, exhausted, fatigued, lethargic 77
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List of Needs PHYSICAL SURVIVAL: air, water, food, shelter, rest, safety MENTAL: information, clarity, thinking reflecting, comprehending, awareness, stimulation, order NURTURING: touch, physical affection, comfort, warmth/caring, tenderness, bonding FREEDOM: autonomy, independence, choice, individuality, self-empowerment, solitude SELF-EXPRESSION: contribution, creativity, effectiveness, growth, meaning, teaching, development, healing, mastery, productivity INTEGRITY: purpose, self-worth, self-respect, authenticity, vision/dreams, honesty CELEBRATION: play, humor, aliveness, stimulation, excitement, passion, pleasure/delight, mourning SPIRITUAL: harmony, peace, ease, beauty, grace, inspiration, communion, ritualizing the sacred, being in the flow of life
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR François Beausoleil has a distinguished reputation as a seminar leader, communications consultant, trainer, and executive coach specializing in Communication, Collaboration, Resilience to Stress, Time Optimization, Career Enhancement, and Creating High Performance Teams. Mr. Beausoleil has worked with organizations throughout United States, Canada, and Japan, recently leading seminars for Cirque du Soleil, PepsiCo, Hearst Corporation, Müller Quaker, Belron, and others. In addition to corporate work, Mr. Beausoleil offers live and online trainings to the general public. He is the Director of Executive Stamina Canada, and Nonviolent Communication Certified Trainer. Mr. Beausoleil holds an MBA and a bachelor’s degree in music. Formerly, he was a touring musician with Cirque du Soleil’s show Saltimbanco for five years in the 1990s. He is married to Anya Borissova and is the proud father of a 17year-old son, Siddhartha. Based in the province of Quebec, Mr. Beausoleil commutes regularly to the Bay Area in California to lead trainings. He can be reached at
[email protected]
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TO CONTRIBUTE FINANCIALLY: http://empathiccoachingrevolution.com/the-blame-free-state
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