J S Cooper Mr Right (ang)

MR. RIGHT

J. S. COOPER

Contents Untitled Untitled Untitled Untitled Dedication Acknowledgments Prologue Introduction Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22

Mr. Right J. S. Cooper

THANK YOU FOR PURCHASING A J. S. COOPER BOOK. PLEASE JOIN MY MAILING LIST HERE.

New Standalone Book from New York Times Bestselling Author J. S. Cooper.

Some nights are meant to remain a secret. Some nights are meant to be for fun. Some nights are meant to last just one night. It was never supposed to happen. But, we couldn’t stop ourselves. One night became too many. He was the one man I wasn’t supposed to want. The one man I wasn’t supposed to have. The one man that could never possibly be my Mr. Right. However he’s the one man I can’t get out of my mind. He’s the one man that’s going to change everything. Only he has a secret that’s bigger than everything else. He has a secret that could ruin everything.

This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is entirely coincidental. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places, events, and incidents are the product of the author ’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Copyright © 2016 by J. S. Cooper Editing by Lorelei Logsdon Proofreading by Proofingstyle

This book is dedicated to all the women that are looking for their Mr. Right’s. Never give up hope that he is out there.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Mr. Right is a book that was written from my heart. I would like to thank the following people for all of their help as I wrote this book. Thanks go out to Katrina Jaekley, Tanya Kay Skaggs, Stacy Hahn, Laci Keenzel, Chanteal Justice, Pam Snell, Cilicia White, Barbara Goodwin, Kristina Hammock, Kathy Shreve, Ashley Hedden, Kristine Roller, Jean, Regan Brown, Karen Gonzalez, Carrie Renteria, Elizabeth He, the SF Writers in their 20’s and 30’s meet-up group, and God.

PROLOGUE

T here are ten things you should know about me: I’M NOT A BAD GUY. I was attracted to her the moment I saw her. I love to tease her. I knew I was playing with fire. I knew she didn’t know the truth. I didn’t care. A part of me was excited by the danger. I knew the sex would be amazing. I didn’t want to be her Mr. Right. I knew everything would end in fireworks.

I HAVE A SECRET. A big secret. A bigger secret than she initially thinks. It’s so big that I think I’m going to have to take back the first thing you know about me. The I’m not a bad guy comment. I’m not so sure that’s true. Maybe I’m a little bad. Or maybe I’m a lot bad. Maybe I just don’t know anymore. There’s a part of me that wishes I could change everything. I know she loves me because she thinks I’m perfect. I know I love her because I know she’s imperfect. I’m just not sure what’s going to happen when she finds out the truth. I’m not sure what’s going to happen when she realizes exactly how twisted this all really is.

INTRODUCTION

P ART I

CHAPTER 1

J ess HOT DAMN, there’s a warm body pressing into me from behind. And—whoa—I think that whoever ’s behind me is very happy I’m awake, if the hardness pushing into my butt is any indication. Shit, my eyes are blinking rapidly as I think back to the previous night. Too many cocktails. And then those glasses of wine. And the two beers. What was I thinking? Oh, shit. I froze as my mind immediately remembered him sliding into me, deep and hard. I can picture his intense eyes, his loud growls as he’d slammed into me. Oh, fuck, what had I done?

“MORNING, Jess,” he whispered into my ear as his hand slid around to grab my breast. “Ready for round two?” He pinched my nipple and I moaned and closed my eyes. I was a horrible person. I couldn’t believe I was here in bed with him. I couldn’t believe we’d had sex. Shit, I couldn’t believe we were going to have sex again. I was a bad, bad girl for having slept with him. But fuck it, what was the point of resisting round two when there had already been a round one? I’d pay for my sins later. What was done was done. We’d already crossed the line of no return.

I NEED to start at the beginning. I’m not a bad person. Though I’m not a good person either, obviously. I mean, look who I slept with? I’m not going to tell you yet. I don’t want you to judge me and think I’m horrible. I’m not horrible. Really? I’m pretty nice. I mean, I think I’m even pretty cool, in a “I slept with someone I shouldn’t have and kind of regret it” way. I’ve got most of my shit together. I’m a good friend. I’m a hard worker. I try and help poor people. That shouldn’t all be invalidated because I did one bad thing, right? So yeah, sue me, I slept with someone I shouldn’t have. But really, how could I say no? He’s hot, sexy, over six foot, chiseled chest, sexy dimples, lush dark hair and he has

hands that seem to know my body better than I do. But sorry, I’m getting distracted. I said I’d start at the beginning. So I will. Maybe you’ll understand how hard it was for me to say no once you understand the situation I was in. I mean damn, I’m not sure many women would have been able to resist. How do you say no to the sexiest man alive? But like I said, I’ll start at the beginning. My name is Jess. Just Jess is what my friends call me. I’m not sure why. It’s not like it says anything about me. Well, nothing exciting. I guess it does say that I’m just a regular easy-going girl, because that is what I am. I don’t have a whole heap of thrills. I’m not drama-filled. I don’t hookup with different guys every night of the week. Not that I’ve had the opportunity, to be honest. Who knows if I would have if different hotties were throwing themselves at me every night of the week. I’m twenty-three. I just graduated from college last year. I work as a secretary at a large accounting firm. Yes, the job is boring. And no, my boss is not hot. I live with my best friend, Alyssa, in a dumpy apartment in San Francisco. And no, I’m not exaggerating. It is dumpy, but I love it. Not as much as I would love living in New York City, but a girl can’t have everything. I love my life even though I’m not super rich and I don’t have the job of my dreams. I have my insecurities like everyone else, but I think I’m pretty levelheaded. At least I was until I got into this crazy mess. This story starts like most crazy stories start: at a bar with two crazy girls, looking for a fun night out and some attention. Don’t get distracted though, this is the beginning, not the middle and definitely not the end. Bear with me, you’re about to go on a crazy-ass ride that you and I will never forget. Picture it: San Francisco, March, 2016. Alyssa and I are sitting around in the living room when she has the best—and when I say best, I mean kind of the worst—idea ever. And only worst because it ended up with me feeling like the star of some titillating Lifetime movie. “Let’s go to a club or a bar, a really nice one and just let loose,” Alyssa said that night, her eyes eager and watching me carefully. “We can’t afford to go to a really nice bar or club,” I responded, because I’m the practical one and I knew that neither of us had much money in the bank. “We can’t afford to go to a bad bar, either, if we’re being honest.” I continued thinking about our limited funds and tried not to cringe. “Yes, we can.” Alyssa rolled her eyes. “I have a credit card, you have a credit card.” Alyssa had the mentality that it didn’t matter how you got the money; if it was available, it was able to be spent. I was honestly quite surprised that she’d never taken a job as an escort or something. Though, I suppose that’s an unfair statement to make. She’s not easy, just a spendthrift. “Alyssa, I have two hundred and sixty dollars in the bank. You have eighty. We cannot afford to go anywhere.” I shook my head at her. “I have two grand on my credit card. Thanks, Capital One.” She grinned at me and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, even as I shook my head. “Dude, we cannot go out. We should just watch Netflix and eat Ramen. You might have two grand in available credit, but you’ll still have to pay it back.” “I don’t wanna eat anymore Ramen.” She groaned. “And, sorry, I don’t want to watch more

Gilmore Girls. I want to go out. I want to meet hot guys. I want a strange guy to kiss me, feel me up, make me feel like I’m some hot young thing, living in the city, living my life. And I have thirty days to pay it back. We’ll just try and do some overtime or something.” “You are a young hot thing, living in the city, living your life.” I grinned at her and tried not to laugh at the pitiful look on her face. “And I know plenty of strange guys in the Tenderloin that would be willing to kiss you.” “Yeah, homeless dudes with bad breath. Minty breath is a must have.” She grinned and then winked at me. “And the ability to take me out for a fancy dinner, so I don’t have to eat Ramen every night. And so I don’t have to run up my credit card bill. I need the sort of guy I’d meet at a hot club. Not on a hot street corner.” “Hey, what about me?” I pouted. “I don’t want to eat Ramen every night either.” “I’ll bring leftovers for you, don’t worry about it. I’ll hook you up.” She giggled. “Wow, I’m so lucky.” I winked at her. “I guess, then, we must go out tonight. Let’s max out our credit cards so you can start bringing home those lobster and steak meals.” I shook my head as I spoke, but she could tell from my voice that I had already relented. I mean, I knew it was a bad idea to go out and use my credit card to fund the fun, but if I said no to every bad idea Alyssa or I had ever had, then I’d be some sort of saint. And a saint, I’m not. As you’re about to find out. “Sounds like a plan to me. Where shall we go?” “You tell me, Richie Rich’s future wife.” I rolled my eyes. “You got that right. I’d be Trump’s wife if it meant I’d be living in the lap of luxury.” She grinned. “Let me have a look on Yelp and see what’s hot.” “Yelp?” I raised an eyebrow at her. “Any clubs worth going into debt for are not going to be listed on Yelp.” I could feel my stomach churning. “And really, you’d want to be Mr. Comb-over ’s fourth wife?” “Not really. I’d rather marry Leonardo DiCaprio.” She licked her lips and I just shook my head at her. “Also pray tell, Jess, how are we going to find a great exclusive club without Yelp?’ Alyssa looked at me pointedly. “Do you have some insider knowledge I don’t know about?” “Oh yeah, I have so much insider knowledge, it’s not even funny. All the clubs want me there every night to dance on the tables and bring in all the handsome men.” I pulled my phone out of my pocket. “Let me see which clubs want me there tonight.” “You can bring some handsome men back here, if you want.” Alyssa laughed. “After you pimp yourself out at the gentleman bars.” “I want, you want, but they don’t want.” I laughed. “They never want. Even when I pimp myself out.” “They want, but they’re just too scared to talk to you.” Alyssa laughed again. “They know you’re too expensive for them. Men are weaklings inside.” “Hmm, I don’t know about that?” I made a face. “I think I could be giving it away for free and still get turned down.” Alyssa just rolled her eyes at me in response. We both knew that if I gave it away

for free, I’d have plenty of takers. “Want to buy new outfits at Macy’s and get free makeovers in the cosmetics department?” She grinned at me encouragingly. “We can keep the tags on the dresses and return them tomorrow or next week or something.” “That’s awful. You know that, right? We’d essentially be stealing.” “You say tomato, I say tomaahto, tomato, tomaahto,” Alyssa sang and I rolled my eyes. “Fine, but only because I had a shitty week at work and we both need some fun.” I told you, it doesn’t take me long to go down the wrong road. Not sure if that makes me good or bad. Or just somewhere in-between like most human beings. Though most human beings wouldn’t have done what I did. “And we’re both poor and deserve to wear cute dresses. Poor girls need nice things too.” Alyssa started singing and dancing around the room and I found myself smiling at her contagious enthusiasm. “Oh, God, we suck.” I groaned and collapsed onto the dumpy secondhand denim couch that we’d picked up at a second-hand store for fifty dollars. “But at least we’re not doing it for cash.” She fell down on the couch next to me, giggling. “Doing what for cash?” “Sucking.” She winked at me and we both burst out laughing. And that was how it began. So innocently. Well, not exactly innocently, but you know what I mean. It wasn’t even my idea to go to the club, so really I can’t be blamed for everything that happened because I went to the club that night. I’m not a bad girl. Well, I didn’t used to be. Now I don’t know if I can really claim that anymore. The innocent girl I was that night is no longer the girl I am. I do things now that would make your eyes pop open, things that would make you gasp, things you wouldn’t even believe. Things I wouldn’t tell my parents about. I’m even ashamed to talk about it with Alyssa sometimes, but I can’t not talk to her about it. If I didn’t have her, I wouldn’t have anyone. And trust me, the situation I’m in, it’s not a situation that I can just not talk about with anyone. For one, it’s too juicy and too crazy. And as much as I hate myself for what I’m doing, I also can’t stop.

WE GOT into the ritzy club quite easily that night. We looked hot, but that’s what fresh makeovers at Macy’s and tight short dresses will do for you when you’re young and willing to wear anything, which we were. I was wearing a short tight black Lycra piece that made me look as though I was on the make, which I kinda was, though not really. I was one of those girls that liked the attention, but wasn’t looking to hookup. I’m not a one-night stand kind of girl. I don’t want a guy groping me or rubbing up on me, or trying to take me home. I’m more of a romantic. I want a guy to look at me as if I’m hot stuff and, yeah, his eyes can tell me he wants to sleep with me, but I want him to have more restraint. I feel like a guy with restraint is a guy that is seeing you as long-term potential. I don’t know if that’s right or not, but it’s just the way that I feel. I mean, it could also mean that the guy is gay or

that he’s just not into me. That’s how Alyssa interprets the fact that a guy doesn’t want to sleep with her right away. She says that if a guy is into you, whether or not he wants you for more than one night, he wants to sleep with you. I think that doesn’t mean he has to act upon it, but that’s where we differ. Not that either one of us judged the other one, and that was what really mattered. Alyssa had had more one-night stands than I could count on both hands, and yet it worked for her because she never got emotionally attached and never felt used the next morning. I’d had sex with one guy after going on about five dates with him and when he never called me back, I’d been devastated, crying into my pillow, wondering what was wrong with me, feeling used, abused and cheap. Sometimes I think I’m too emotional, too invested in what sex means in a relationship. Sometimes I think I should be like Alyssa, but then I always second-guess myself. Though I suppose everything changed that night. That was the night that I met Pierce. Pierce, Pierce, Pierce. He turned my world upside down and put everything in it on edge. Nothing has been the same since I met Pierce. Electrifying—that’s the word I would use to describe the first time my eyes met Pierce’s. He had a smoldering look about him. He had one of those hard faces that grew handsome when he smiled, and —oh, boy—when he smiled, he was magnetic. Almost boyish. Though, I guess it’s hard to look hard and boyish. But if you saw Pierce, you’d understand what I mean. No one in the club could take their eyes off of him, even if they wanted to. He had jet-black hair, straight, silky—the kind of hair you wished you had, and wanted to play with. His eyes were sky blue, and warm, direct and interesting when he gazed at you. His eyes seemed to be searching into your soul when he gazed at you and I almost had the feeling that he could read my mind when he looked at me, though I knew that was impossible. Because if he’d read my mind, things would have been a lot less complicated and I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess. I was with Alyssa standing at the edge of the dance floor when I met him for the first time. At first I thought he was looking at her and I was giddy with excitement for her. I mean, the goal had been for one of us to meet a nice guy, and, well, Alyssa wanted rich as well and he looked as if he had money, if his expensive suit was anything to go by. I honestly wouldn’t have been upset if he’d tried to pick up Alyssa and not me. Maybe that would have been the best thing that could have happened. But life never goes as it should. “Don’t look now, but there’s a hot guy checking you out at ten o’clock,” I whispered to Alyssa as subtly as possible, which was very non-subtle, as I’m the sort of person who doesn’t do subtle well, at all. I’m always too loud and always look at the person I’m supposed to be ignoring or pretending I don’t see. Well, that’s the way I used to be. I’m plenty subtle now. “Ten o’clock p.m. or a.m.?” Alyssa asked me eagerly, her face lighting up. “Are you kidding?” I asked her, my jaw dropping as it sometimes did when Alyssa made one of her more ridiculous comments. Neither Alyssa nor I were the smartest girls in town, but she sometimes surprised me with how dumb some of her questions were. “Kidding about what?” She frowned. “I’m asking you a question.”

“Ten a.m. or ten p.m.?” I looked at her again, waiting for the ball to drop in her head. “That was the question,” she said and rolled her eyes at me and I just shook my head at her. “Alyssa, pray tell what’s the difference between ten a.m. and ten p.m. on the clock?” I raised an eyebrow at her. “The difference?” She paused, looked me in the eyes for a few seconds and then giggled. “Oh yeah, oops.” “Yeah, haha. Idiot,” I said lovingly and laughed with her. “Now check out the guy at ten o’clock p.m. and tell me if you think he’s cute. Actually, you don’t need to tell me if you think he’s cute. I already know that you’ll think he’s cute, so just tell me if you’re going to go home with him tonight.” “Jess, what sort of girl do you think I am?” She giggled as she turned to look at the guy. I watched as her eyes widened and she started playing with her hair. That was a telltale sign that Alyssa was into a guy. She always played with her hair when she was trying to flirt with someone. I grinned as I watched her batting her eyelids and wondered if I should go home so she wouldn’t feel conflicted about leaving with the guy. “Jess, I don’t know what sort of vision you have, but Mr. McHottie is not checking me out,” she said finally as she looked back at me. “What? I saw him staring over here.” I frowned. Was I completely out of it? “He’s checking you out.” She looked over at me and winked. “As much as I would love to snag him for myself, he’s totally into you.” “You think so?” I looked over again and stared right at him. I told you, I have no game. This time I looked at him for at least a minute, and Alyssa was right. He was totally checking me out. Normally, I would have looked away because I’m actually quite shy, but there was something about his gaze that halted me from looking away. I told you it was electrifying, and magnetizing and crazy all at the same time. And he didn’t stop looking at me either. I’ve never had that before—that moment when you share a moment with someone you don’t really know and feel lost. I felt like we were the only two people in the bar in that moment. Even Alyssa, who I knew was standing there, suddenly fell away from my peripheral vision. It felt like some special movie moment, only it was really happening. And to me. And then he started walking towards me, while still making eye contact. And I thought I was going to lose my mind. My heart started racing, my fingers started trembling, my stomach was in knots and the thoughts in my brain were racing at a hundred miles a minute. Each second and step that he took only seemed to increase my anxiety and awareness of him. “Oh, my God, Jess,” Alyssa said loudly. “McHottie is walking towards us. Oh, my God.” “I know,” I said, snapping out of my reverie. “What should I do?” I tried not to squeal because that’s totally uncool, but I’m not sure I was able to hold it back. “Just be cool. We’re cool. Act cool. Ignore him and play hard to get.” “Okay.” I nodded. “Hard to get. That’s what I’ll do.” I looked at her and then snuck a peek back at McHottie and he was still walking towards me and was only a few yards away. I thought I was going to faint. I looked back at Alyssa and tried to think of something to say. “Say something,” I whispered at her urgently. “I don’t want him to just show up and we’re standing here, just sitting and not saying

anything.” “What should I say?” she asked, obviously trying to think hard. “I don’t know. Anything. Ask me about work or anything you want.” “I thought you didn’t want to talk about work right now?” She made a face. “I thought you said yesterday that your boss was getting on your nerves and you were worried that you might get laid off soon.” “I didn’t say that I might get laid off soon. I said that there might be layoffs soon because my boss is a jackass who doesn’t like to do her work and she’s always trying to…” My voice trailed off as I felt his presence behind me. He hadn’t said anything yet, but I knew he was there. I knew that he was right behind me because my entire body felt like it was on fire. “Hello, can I buy you ladies a drink?” a deep, smooth, sexy voice said from behind me. How could it be possible that this guy was even more perfect than just his looks? It didn’t seem right. How could he look and sound sexy? Of course, at that point, I had nothing to compare him to. I didn’t know that he was just the beginning of the sexy train. “Yes, thanks,” Alyssa said eagerly in response to McHottie, and I wanted to groan. That was not playing it cool. I turned around to look at him and my jaw dropped once again at the next words out of his mouth. “You guys want a blowjob?” he said with a wicked grin and my face flushed. Had he meant to ask us if we wanted to give him a blowjob? What a pervert! “We’re women.” I gave him a look and his eyes sparkled as he looked down at my chest. “I figured.” He winked as he looked back up at my face and into my eyes. “So we don’t need blowjobs,” I continued, giving him a look. Yes, I was being a bitch, yes, I was still trying to flirt and yes, I really had no idea what I was doing. “That’s the name of the shot.” He grinned. “I figured you guys would enjoy them.” “Why?” I asked him curiously. This was not a come-on line I’d ever heard before. “Because you look like you enjoy sweet and creamy things.” He winked again and my jaw dropped. He was not going there, was he? “We do.” Alyssa giggled while poking me in the side real quick, trying to tell me to stop being so bitchy and to start being a little nicer to McHottie. She’s my best friend, she knows my flirting is slightly off and that I can be a bit prickly when it comes to guys, even guys that I like. But man, did I really want to flirt with a man who was alluding to the fact that I liked sweet and creamy things? “So shots all around, then?” He looked at Alyssa for a second and then back at me. “Or would you prefer something else?” “No, a blowjob is fine,” I responded with a small smile. “Just as long as you aren’t expecting one in return.” “Are you saying that you’re not willing to give me a blowjob?” He stared into my eyes intently and I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.” I nodded and gave him a small smile. “I’m not that kind of girl.”

“Really?” His eyes glittered as if I’d just given him some sort of challenge. “I guess we can see.” “See what?” I tilted my head and gave him a half-smile. “If I can make you that kind of girl.” He winked yet again and then laughed, his eyes crinkling as his face transformed. He looked over at Alyssa again and smiled. “So, six shots?” “If you want.” She shrugged, the smile fixed on her face. She was getting bored. Alyssa had come to find her own man. She didn’t want to waste her time flirting and standing around with a man who was here flirting with me; especially as that wasn’t the purpose of the evening. If it had been “find Jess a man night” then she would have been more than happy to spend her hours with me, making sure I hooked up with the best man possible. Maybe we’d go from bar to bar and get free drinks and flirt the night away, dancing and moving around like butterflies, skittish and pretty, drawing attention to ourselves, but always flying away at the last moment. However, this wasn’t get Jess a man night, this was a fun, possible night of debauchery for one of us, and the one who was most likely to get down and dirty was the one who hadn’t found a guy to talk to as yet. “So you’re going to give yourself a blowjob?” I asked the guy with a small smile, trying to get my flirt game back on track. “I wish I could, though I don’t know how good I would be. I prefer to receive from someone who knows what they’re doing.” “Okay, we’re definitely not talking about the drinks now,” I said, slightly surprised that he was drifting from the joke already. He was hot and sexy, but the fact that he was talking about actual blowjobs right away was a bit off-putting. “Were we ever?” He winked at me again and I started to wonder if he had an eye twitch. Then I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Yeah, I was talking about the drinks the whole time,” I said, though I’m not sure that was technically true, but who cared, right? He was out of my league, I was acting like an idiot, and I also didn’t even know how I felt about the whole situation. He was super hot and sexy, but there was something about him that had the potential to be pretty douche-like and I wasn’t really into douchebags. I’d rather be single than date a douchebag. Or even flirt with a douchebag. If his approach was to talk about blowjobs, then I knew that we might not be a match made in heaven, but you know how it is when you’re attracted to someone and really like them, all sense of rational thought goes out the window. Even though I had bells in my head telling me that perhaps this guy wasn’t going to be Mr. Prince Charming, I was still engaging with him. That’s what happens when you’re around a super-hot guy, all you can think about are his gleaming eyes, his silky hair and his hard body. And I’m not even a girl who does the one-night stand thing. But man, that night, I’m not sure what it was; I was ready for a change. “You girls want to come to the bar with me to grab the drinks?” he asked, though he was looking directly at me. “I actually think I’m going to go and dance,” Alyssa said with a small wink at me. “I want to let my freak flag fly tonight.”

“But don’t you want a blowjob?” I asked her, giving her a look that was essentially asking her not to go anywhere. “Nah, I think you guys can handle the blowjobs,” she said and with that she flounced onto the dance floor without even glancing back at me to see if I was pissed. She already knew that I was going to be pissed, of that I was sure. “Seems like your friend was bored of your company tonight.” Mr. Hottie leaned in closer to me and smiled, his hand on the small of my back. Normally I hate such an intimate move from a man I don’t know so quickly, but as you already know this night was not like the others. Not at all. “Yeah, or maybe she was bored of you,” I snapped back at him and gave him a little wink to show that I was teasing. I told you that I’m not always the smoothest when it comes to flirting. “Perhaps.” His hand slid farther and I felt him giving my ass a slight tap. Yes, he tapped my ass. I nearly jumped. I nearly pulled away from him. I nearly pushed him away, but I didn’t. I didn’t because it had been a nice sensual touch and maybe it had just been too long, but I kind of didn’t mind it. I kind of liked it. I kind of thought about what else he might try to do. What else I might let him do. I started to think about how far he would try to go and at what point would I tell him to stop. “Unlikely, though.” “Why unlikely?” “Most women don’t get bored of me this quickly.” He leaned down so that his lips were close to mine. “Most women don’t get bored of me ever.” “Shouldn’t that be, most women don’t ever bore of me?” I said sweetly, and he laughed. “You’ve got a smart mouth. I like that.” “That’s not the only thing you like, is it?” I raised an eyebrow at him. “What? Your mouth?” He grinned down at me. “Why would you think that?” “Why do you think?” I asked him with a flirtatious glance. I really was stepping up my game. “Because I told you I want to feel you sucking my cock,” he said simply and my eyes widened as my body stiffened in shock. I had not just imagined those words coming from his mouth. I couldn’t believe what he’d just said. I couldn’t believe that I was here, still standing, staring at him, engaging in this conversation. Was I absolutely crazy? I was not the sort of girl who just allowed a guy to tell me such things. I thought it was scandalous. Absolutely scandalous, but you wouldn’t have thought so based on my response that night. I’m not even sure where it came from. “You’d better be able to make me come with your mouth for at least ten minutes before expecting any sort of mouth action from me,” I responded with a small smile, shocking both myself and him with my words. My heart was thudding as I crossed into unchartered territory. Where had this bad, naughty side of me come from? I didn’t even know. I have to admit I was kind of proud of myself. I’d never been a dirty girl, but somehow this guy was bringing it out in me. Alyssa would have been absolutely shocked if she had heard what I’d said. “What if I told you fifteen minutes?” His lips pressed against mine then. “Fifteen minutes of pure unadulterated coming, right on my mouth.” He bit down on my lower lip and sucked it for a second,

shocking me with his boldness. “How would you like that?” he said as he pulled away, and I wasn’t sure if he was talking about his invasion of my mouth or his fifteen minutes comment. Either way, I was feeling buzzed, warm and tingly inside. I’d never had a feeling of anticipation just from words before, but I suppose I’ve just not been with the right guys. “I’m still waiting on my drink,” I said with a small smile, trying to see if I could shift the mood back slightly. I didn’t want to end up sleeping with this guy right here on the dance floor. I mean, I was down for changing stuff up, but not that much. I didn’t want to go from nun to slut in two point four seconds. I wasn’t ready to get it on and have a whole club witnessing my entrance into debauchery. “Still want a blowjob or would you prefer something else?” “It’s up to you,” I said with a shrug, really having no idea what I was saying or doing, but just knowing that I was enjoying being in Pierce’s company. He was an intoxicating presence. I’d never been around someone like him before, someone who completely made me lose myself in the moment. It’s a weird feeling to be that attracted to someone at first sight. And it’s not the same thing as falling in love at first sight. It wasn’t that sort of heart-stopping, “oh, my God, I think he’s the one” moment. I know, because I’ve felt those before. Obviously, they didn’t turn out to be true, because I’ve still not found the one, but I’ve had those moments where the earth has stood still and my stomach has flipped and my heart has thudded with the beat of a thousand drums and I’ve thought to myself that this is the one, this is the moment, this is the time: I’ve met the one for me. That’s not what I felt with Pierce. With Pierce, I felt something a lot more primal. With Pierce, I felt a stirring in my belly and a wetness in my panties that made me feel things I’d not felt outside of a bedroom before and especially not with a stranger. And especially having not even been touched. I didn’t even know that you could be so turned on by someone just from words. I mean, I knew people had phone sex and all that jazz, but I thought the turn-on was from the self-play, as opposed to the actual words. Not that I’d ever done that. I used to be a prude. Not that you’d know that right now. “Well, if it’s up to me, I know what I want to do.” “What you want to do?” I frowned. “Don’t you mean what drink you want to buy me?” “I’ll buy you all the drinks in San Francisco, if you’ll do what I want you to.” “I’m sure you would.” I gave him a questioning look. “What is it you want me to do?” “Do you really want to know?” His lips turned up at the side and his eyes darkened as he glanced at me. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know,” I said, my voice trembling slightly. I had no clue what I was doing. This was unfamiliar territory, but I think that’s what made it so exciting. I almost wondered if I’d been drugged or something, but Pierce hadn’t gotten me a drink yet, so it would have had to have been some sort of immaculate drugging and I wasn’t quite sure that was possible. Okay, let’s be real. I knew it wasn’t possible. But I felt like something in me had changed almost instantaneously upon looking at Pierce and I wish I knew exactly what it was that made everything change as it did. That was the night, the moment, where everything in my life started to go crazy. I still look back now and I can’t explain exactly what happened. What was the catalyst? What made me

decide to indulge Pierce and his fantasies? What made me want to share in his fantasies? I had no idea, and I still don’t, but that was the moment that I became a woman I didn’t recognize. A woman who was going to embrace the world and her sexuality in all its glory without feeling super guilty about it. “I want you to come home with me tonight,” he said softly. “And I want to take you on a rollercoaster ride of pleasure that you’ve never experienced before.” “How do you know I’ve never experienced it before?” “I can tell by the look on your face that you’ve never had a man take you to the heights I can take you to,” he said nonchalantly. “I can also tell that you’re not the sort of girl who meets guys in bars and hooks up, so you’re probably struggling with how to respond to me right now.” “If you think I’m not that kind of girl, then why would you even approach me with such a thing?” I asked him hesitantly, feeling slightly giddy and unsure. “Because I like a challenge and I like being a teacher.” “A teacher?” “Yes, a teacher. There are many things I can teach you.” “I’m not even going to ask you what.” “That’s why I like you.” He smirked. “Your mind probably can’t even think up half of the things I want to teach you.” “Oh?” “Oh, yes.” He laughed. “I’m being too forward and perverse and I’m sorry. You just make me excited.” “I make you excited?” “In more than one way.” He nodded. “As soon as I saw you across the room, I knew I had to talk to you and we had to meet.” “I thought you were looking at Alyssa,” I admitted with a small smile. “At first I was.” He nodded. “But then, well, my eyes saw you and that was that.” “That was what?” I asked him curiously. “That was when I knew that I couldn’t care less about her. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to touch you.” “Okay.” I felt slightly disappointed by his words. I mean, I knew it was a sex thing, but he could have at least tried to romanticize it. “I knew I wanted to get to know you better. Find out what makes you tick, in and out of the bedroom.” “Really?” I scoffed at him. “You want to know what I’m like outside of the bedroom?” “It might not seem like it, based on our current conversation, but I am interested in getting to know all of you. In becoming familiar with every aspect of your being. I hope I’m not sounding too intense, but I felt we had some sort of connection-attraction as soon as I saw you.” “I don’t know what to say.” I gave him a shy smile. This didn’t seem like real life in any way. In fact, a part of me wondered if I was dreaming this all up. It all felt too surreal and totally not a

situation that I would ever be in. “Say that you feel the same way. Tell me that you want to get to know me as well.” “I feel like getting to know you could cause problems for me.” “What sort of problems?” “I don’t know what sort. If I knew, I would most likely have left by now.” “Left and gone where?” “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “To the dance floor with Alyssa.” “We can go onto the dance floor by ourselves. I can do to you all the things I want to do to you.” “Yeah, but what if all the things you want to do to me aren’t the things I want you to do to me?” “I guess we can just wait and see, right?” He smiled at me lasciviously and I wondered what he was thinking. What sort of girl did he think I was? I mean, he had to know that I wasn’t that kind of girl, right? But then I almost slapped myself. Why on earth would he think I wasn’t that sort of girl? He knew nothing about me. Except for the fact that I was engaging in this ridiculous conversation with him and letting him think that we might actually do something tonight. “I don’t know.” I bit down on my lower lip, nerves all of a sudden hitting me. This wasn’t the situation I wanted to be in. All of a sudden, I felt very self-conscious and unsure of what I was doing in this situation. This wasn’t me, and no matter how good looking he was, I didn’t want to be in this situation. “Actually, I think I’ll pass on the drink.” I gave him a small smile. “I think I need to go and see if Alyssa is okay.” I looked into his eyes and his face looked disappointed. “It was nice meeting you, though.” “You’re not seriously leaving me here by myself, are you?” He frowned at me. “I didn’t mean to offend you.” “You didn’t offend me,” I said with a small shrug. “I just came out on a girls night and I think I shouldn’t abandon my friend anymore today.” “She left you, you didn’t leave her,” he said. “I’m sure she’s okay.” “I just feel bad, though.” I looked at him with a shy glance, wondering why he was making this so difficult. It was kind of flattering that this hottie wanted to spend more time with me, but slightly disconcerting that he was seeming so upset. What did he really care? “Feel bad for leaving me?” He gave me a teasing smile. “After I grew the balls and the courage to come and talk to you? Now you’re going to leave me and make me feel dejected?” “I’m sure you’re not going to feel dejected,” I said with a small smile. “There are plenty of other women here tonight who would be happy to talk to you.” “But I don’t want to talk to them.” He almost whined. “But they want to talk to you.” I grinned at him. “I’m sure half the women in here want to talk to you.” “Only half?” He laughed. “Those odds aren’t good. Especially after I came up to the one girl I wanted to talk to and I thought things were going well, but then she decided to ditch me.” “I didn’t ditch you yet,” I said with a laugh. “I’m still here talking to you.”

“So my charm is still working a little bit.” He grinned. “I just need to get you to stay talking to me all night and then my evening will be made.” “Haha, I say you’ve got plenty of charm. I doubt that’s a problem that you have.” “Perhaps not.” He laughed. “However, if you ditch me, then you’ll have me questioning myself and everything I thought I knew.” “Everything you thought you knew about what?” “Everything I thought I knew about you when I first glanced at you.” “What did you think you knew?” I asked him curiously. “I thought I knew that you were special. That you were a girl that I wanted to get to know. That perhaps we were destined to meet tonight.” “You’re joking, right?” I started laughing and he looked at me with a wry smile. “Too much?” “Way too much.” I nodded, still giggling. “I mean it’s a nice thought and all, but it’s way too much. Romantic and perfect for a rom-com movie starring Kate Hudson or something, but for this situation, not quite.” I laughed some more. “Not after you offered me a blowjob shot and basically solicited me for sex.” “I didn’t solicit you for sex.” He laughed. “I just let you know that I wouldn’t be opposed to some fun times with you, if you so wished.” “Uh huh.” I nodded. “Sure, sure.” “That’s not all I’m interested in, though,” he said seriously, his expression changing. “I hope you don’t think I’m that sort of guy.” “I hope you don’t think I’m that sort of girl.” “I know you’re not that sort of girl.” He laughed. “We’d be in the back alley by now, if you were.” “Excuse me?” I asked him, not really understanding what he was saying. Well, I had an idea, but I wanted him to explain himself. “We’d be somewhere enjoying each other ’s bodies right now already, if you were the sort of girl who was up for a quick fling.” “I see.” I pursed my lips. “But you’re not that kind of girl and I’m okay with that.” He grinned at me. “Actually, I kind of like the fact that you’re not that kind of girl.” “But you wouldn’t have minded if I was that kind of girl, though, right?” “No guy would mind that.” He laughed. “And any guy who says he would mind is not the kind of guy you want to be with because that sort of guy would be a liar.” “I see. So you’re saying that basically every guy is a slut or male whore.” “I’m saying that no guy turns down sex. It’s the way of the land. The law of nature.” He shrugged. “If it’s on offer, most guys are going to take it.” He looked me in the eyes. “Some of us, though, some of us have more discernment. Some of us prefer quality over quantity. And we don’t need the girl who is ready and willing right away.”

“I’m the quality?” I raised an eyebrow at him, wondering if he was just saying all of this so I wouldn’t walk away. Which was a stupid thought because it was obvious that was why he was saying everything he was saying. He wouldn’t do a full-circle in conversation out of fun. He did it because I’d threatened to leave. I was probably a challenge to him now. I knew that guys loved a chase. And now that I’d said I was going to go and find Alyssa and ditch him, I was something to be conquered. “Oh, yeah, you’re the quality.” He leaned close and brushed a piece of hair away from my eyes. “You’re the only girl I’ve looked at for more than ten seconds tonight. You’re a shining star in this room of bright lights. You’re the Northern Lights. You’re the song in my heart calling me over. You’re the nerves in my stomach that are hoping that I’m not being too cheesy. I want to spend the night with you, doing whatever you want to do. I just want to be with you. I just feel like I just need to be around you. I don’t know if that makes sense. I don’t know if I’m coming on too strong.” “No.” I shook my head, feeling like I wanted to swoon. I wasn’t really sure what was going on, but I knew that whatever it was, it wasn’t going to end now, because I wanted to get to know Pierce better as well. The only problem was, my getting to know Pierce was not really about getting to know Pierce. My meeting with Pierce was all about my journey to Evan.

CHAPTER 2

J ess T HE FIRST TIME I met Evan was on a Sunday afternoon. I know, I know, you’re wondering who the hell Evan is and what happened to Pierce? Trust me, I’m going to tell you. Eventually. This is a complicated story. I don’t want you to judge me. At least, not without knowing the full story. You have to know the full story. Now, back to Evan. I know, I know, you want to hear about Pierce and what happened when we left the club, but I can’t not talk about Evan first. Evan is the reason for all the trouble. Who knew when I met Pierce that night that there was going to be an Evan in the picture? Not me. Not at all, but man, Evan is the man of all men. Hot damn, Evan Evan Evan. The first time I saw him, I thought my panties were going to fall off. And they nearly did. I’d gone over to meet Pierce at his apartment for an early dinner and when I’d rang his intercom, he’d buzzed me in and let me know that he wasn’t actually home yet. He said that I could go up and that the front door would be open. He’d said to just let myself in and wait for him. He hadn’t said anything about there being another man in the apartment. He hadn’t said he’d had company. He hadn’t said any of those things. So you can imagine my surprise when I walked in and I realized that I wasn’t alone. And by not alone, I mean I was accompanied by an extremely attractive man. He was standing in the kitchen at Pierce’s apartment and he was wearing a pair of faded blue jeans and a white T-shirt. His back was to me and I checked out his ass in the way that women check out the bodies of men they find physically attractive. It might have been a little creepy because I didn’t say anything for a good minute or so as I stood there admiring him and then he turned around and gave me a huge grin. “Enjoying the view?” he said with a small nod and a twinkle in his deep green eyes. My face flushed as I stared at him, wondering how I’d never met him before and how he’d known that I was there. If he’d heard me coming through the front door, why hadn’t he done the polite thing and come out to greet me? I should have known from that moment that Evan was something different. He didn’t even have the initial politeness that most people have. Maybe that was why I was so drawn to him.

Though I think I would use any excuse now. Evan stared at me like he was challenging me to say something snarky in response to his view comment. I mean, what sort of man asked you that when he first met you? How cocky could one man be? I have to admit that one of the first thoughts in my mind as I stared at him was to wonder if he was single, though that was more for Alyssa’s sake than it was for mine. I mean, I’m not greedy. I didn’t need two hot men fighting over me. Not that I had any hot men fighting over me, but you know what I mean. And it wasn’t as if I wanted Evan. Not at all. Not when I was in the beginning stages of dating Pierce. I know, I know, you want to know more. I’ll get to Pierce, though he’s not as important. Not anymore. “What view?” I asked, feigning confusion as I glanced at him, trying not to stare at him too hard. He was absolutely gorgeous, in one of those old Hollywood ways: debonair and dashing. Strikingly handsome. He didn’t have that baby-boy edge that Pierce had about him but he was equally as alluring. Let me be honest, he was even more alluring. Maybe that was why Pierce hadn’t introduced us yet. Maybe he only wanted me to meet his unattractive friends. Not that I’d really met any of his friends. It was really too soon for that. But if I had met more, I had a feeling Evan wouldn’t have been one of the first ones to be introduced. He seemed like the sort of guy who couldn’t be trusted. I mean, if Alyssa hadn’t been with me on the night that I’d met Pierce, I’m not sure that I would have introduced them— and we were best friends. And it wasn’t because I didn’t trust her, I trusted Alyssa implicitly. I knew without a doubt that she would never do anything shady with anyone that I was dating. But what if I’d only gone on one or two dates with the guy before they met and what if they clicked and were more attracted to each other than he and I were? Would that be fair to try to stop them, just because I’d met the guy first? Also, I knew that Alyssa was hot. In all fairness, she was probably a lot hotter than me. She had a look that every guy seemed to go for. She was petite, blonde, big boobs and ditzy. To be honest, that was why I’d automatically assumed that Pierce had been staring at her the night we’d met. Guys normally went for her first. Not that I’d minded, but it was something I always had in the back of my mind. Which was why I was curious if that was why I hadn’t met Evan yet. Maybe Pierce knew that Evan was one of those guys who could most likely get any girl and, well, Pierce and I had only just recently met. And I wasn’t even really sure what was going on or what I wanted to be going on. I stopped myself from continuing my thoughts. I wasn’t sure why I was getting caught up thinking about some guy I’d just met. I was acting crazy. I’d only known Pierce for one week, so it wasn’t as if I’d expected to have met his whole family and all his friends by now. If I was being honest with myself, I hadn’t really met anyone in his life, save for someone who may or may not have been a coworker or ex-lover at the coffee shop by accident one day. I was still confused by his explanation for how he’d known her. He’d mumbled something and she’d looked at him with slanted flirty eyes and a part of me had wondered exactly what the story was, but I couldn’t ask. That would have been way too crazy. I couldn’t be nosey and slightly jealous when we’d barely met.

“YOU WERE CHECKING ME OUT, right?” Evan grinned again. “From the back and now from the front.” “I’m not checking you out.” I frowned at him. “Why would I be checking you out?” “I don’t know, why were you checking me out?” He raised his eyebrows at me. “I wasn’t checking you out.” I glared at him. This guy was cocky and a bit too direct for me. Couldn’t he pretend that he hadn’t realized that I’d been checking him out? Wasn’t that what most polite men did? Though he obviously wasn’t polite. He also looked like he was a few years older than Pierce, so I wondered if he was a bad influence. Maybe that was why Pierce had started getting annoying already. Maybe he was listening to this asshole on how to be an arrogant prick and be annoying to girls very quickly. I immediately felt guilty at my thoughts, but Pierce’s pick-up at the club had been slightly off at some points and his “game” was a little bit too confident and selfassured. It was annoying. I frowned to myself at my thoughts as I stared at Evan. I needed to stop being so negative. Pierce wasn’t that annoying. I was just a bitch, a whiny bitch. I mean, it wasn’t his fault that he’d taken me to Ethiopian restaurants on both of our dates when I’d told him explicitly that I didn’t like Ethiopian food. I mean, he wasn’t expected to remember everything about me. He’d just met me. And, well, it hadn’t been so bad. I hadn’t died. And he had apologized both times. Even if his apology had seemed kinda weak. Maybe it was some sort of douchey move that he’d learned from Evan. That would make sense to me. This guy looked like a douchebag with a capital D. “Sure, okay.” Evan winked and walked towards me. “You can feel them if you want,” he said as he stopped in front of me. “Feel what?” I said, gazing up at him. He had stopped and was standing way too close to me. I knew he was trying to make me uncomfortable so I didn’t step back from him. Though I really wanted to. My body was starting to feel hot just being this close to him. I was scared that I was going to explode into a ball of fire. “My muscles.” He flexed his arm. “I can see you’ve been checking them out.” “I wasn’t checking out your muscles.” I shook my head, though my eyes did fall to his arms then. I watched as he flexed them again and I watched as his biceps went up. Boy, he was muscular. He definitely had a different physique than Pierce. He was a lot more built and I normally didn’t like guys who were super muscular, but this guy was on the cusp of perfect. He had a ridiculously hard and built body, but he’d still be good to cuddle in bed. Though I wasn’t sure why I was thinking about cuddling with him in bed or spooning. Oh, shit, why was I thinking of spooning? Oh, shit, my eyes were now moving downwards. Oh, why oh why were my eyes moving to his crotch area? I was checking to see if he had a bulge and, if he did, how big it was. Once again my mind went to the spooning. What would it feel like if he were behind me, pressing into me, his strong arms wrapped around my body? Oh, God, I’m horrible. I shouldn’t be having these thoughts about Pierce’s friend. I shouldn’t be having these thoughts about anyone. I’m a good girl. Maybe if I repeated that to myself enough times then that would be true again. I told you that something changed that night at the bar. I’m not sure what, but all of a sudden my mind had gone crazy. All of a sudden I was like some sort of pervert,

thinking about hot men, hot bodies, touching, one-night stands, all those things that good girls don’t think about. At least good girls like me, though I suppose I’m not really a good girl. Not anymore. Well, technically I still am. I hadn’t slept with Pierce. Yeah, we’d done stuff, but stuff didn’t mean I was a slut. Stuff just meant stuff. Everyone did stuff. Though, I suppose everyone didn’t meet one guy one week and then start fantasizing about that guy’s friend the minute they met them. Even if the guy was as hot as Evan. “Penny for them?” The guy looked at me and his eyes looked all-knowing, like he knew exactly what sort of pervert was standing in front of him. “Penny for what?” I said, feeling flustered. Where the hell was Pierce? And who was this guy who was flirting with me so dangerously, making me want to both hit him and kiss him at the same time? “You know.” He winked at me and my face flushed as I resisted the urge to hit him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said in my most haughty tone. Did he know that I thought his lips were luscious? As luscious as his ass was? “You have no idea about what?” He tilted his head and looked at my face with a sexy smile. His eyes fell to my chest and stayed there for at least thirty seconds. “Excuse me,” I said finally, my face hot. I couldn’t believe that he was blatantly staring at my chest. What sort of asshole was he? “Excuse you what?” “Can you stop staring at my chest? That’s so rude.” “I’m rude?” He laughed, a deep chuckle that reverberated through the whole room as he glanced at me with an amazed look. “You don’t think so?” I stared back at him with narrowed eyes, my heart racing. Shit, but he was sexy. “I don’t think I’m rude. At least, not if you don’t think you were rude.” “How was I rude?” “You were staring at my ass.” He shrugged. “I was staring at your chest.” “So you admit it. Ha!” “It would be hard to deny, right? Those beauties are right there.” He winked at me again and shock ran through my body at his words. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Oh, my God, did you just say that?” My jaw dropped open. “I don’t believe you.” I shook my head. “You’re absolutely disgusting.” “Really?” He looked perplexed. “I’m disgusting because I admitted to enjoying staring at your chest? Or for calling them beauties? Would you rather I’d have said that they were ugly?” “I’d rather you’d have said nothing.” I glared at him. “I’m here waiting on Pierce.” “I know him.” He nodded. “Very well.” He smirked. “How?” I questioned him, wanting to know exactly how they were connected. I wasn’t sure why. “If he wanted you to know, I think you’d know.” He licked his lips and I watched the tip of his pink tongue as it glided back and forth, my heart racing fast. I wasn’t sure why this guy affected me so

much, but I just couldn’t stop myself from feeling attracted to him. “Whatever.” I looked away from him, feeling frustrated. “I’m going to go and wait in the living room.” “As you wish.” He shrugged, his expression showing that he didn’t care if I left him or not. I turned around quickly, feeling flustered once again, not really sure why I was letting this man affect me as much as he was. What was his problem? What was my problem? Was I really letting my brief attraction to him make me think/feel something for him that I shouldn’t be? What was my problem? “I’m Evan, by the way.” He said his name silkily, sexily, and I felt something in my stomach rumbling as he stood behind me. Way too close. “Jess,” I said and gave him a quick look. “I’m Jess.” “Nice to meet you, Jess,” he said. This time his mouth was closer to my ear and I could feel a thrill of excitement run through me as I felt his warm breath against my skin. I should have known in that moment that Evan was danger. I should have known that I was playing with fire by just speaking to him. Just being around him wasn’t good for my body. There’s something about men with confidence. Something about men who have charisma. There’s something about older men. They don’t play games and they aren’t hesitant. They go after what they want and sometimes they don’t care what or who is in the way. Certainly Evan didn’t. He didn’t care at all. And ultimately, I didn’t care either. I didn’t care that I was jumping head-first off of a giant cliff. I didn’t realize it that night. I mean, yeah, I knew I’d found him attractive, but there are a lot of attractive men in the world. I knew he was obnoxious, but there are a lot of obnoxious men in the world. I knew I wanted him and that there—that there should have told me what I needed to know, but sometimes we’re dumb. Sometimes we don’t listen to our own voices. I didn’t listen to my inner voice and that’s how I ended up in the most tantalizing scenario of my life. And when I say tantalizing, I mean in the most scandalous sense of the word.

CHAPTER 3

J ess PIERCE OLIVER. He’s the kind of guy that every girl wants to be with. Charming doesn’t even begin to describe him. But, I mean, you know that, from our first meeting at the bar. He has charm and confidence and, well, lots of other good qualities. And he’s cut. His chest is like a work of art. Sixpack alert. Hot hot hot. Maybe not as hot as Evan, but more classically handsome. Not that that matters, anyways. I wasn’t even sure why I was comparing Pierce to Evan. Evan was nothing to me. He was just an arrogant prick friend of Pierce’s that I didn’t even really know. Back to the six-pack. Pierce’s six-pack, not Evan’s. Honestly, I’ve never dated a guy with a six-pack before. Not that we’re dating. We’re going on our first “official” date tomorrow night. I’m excited, of course I am. I’m just hoping that we won’t have more Ethiopian food. I mean, if he takes me out for Ethiopian again then there will not be another date. There will be no making out. There will be no groping. No dryhumping. No secret whispers and tugs. No chance of possible nooky for either of us. Which, if I’m honest, I’m surprised he hasn’t been pressing a little harder for. I wasn’t even really sure Pierce would call after our first couple of meetups after the night we met at the club. We’d made out a bit and I knew he wanted more, but I’m just not that kind of girl. I wouldn’t mind being that kind of girl, but for some reason I just can’t do casual sex. At least not with Pierce. It’s all those years of Sunday school. And my mom telling me that good girls don’t have sex on the first date. I couldn’t care less about being a good girl, but picturing my mom’s stern face still makes me panic. I thought I’d blown it with Pierce, honestly. I mean, the way we’d been going on at the club, I’m sure he’d thought I’d be a sure thing. I’d even thought I was going to be a sure thing that night and I’m not that sort of girl. It had really surprised me that he wanted to see me again, especially as I’d thought that he only wanted sex and, well, he hadn’t gotten that from me. But turns out no sex didn’t mean no more dates. I think I’m a challenge to him. Men love challenges. Especially from girls who seem like they might be a sure thing, as I had in the club. I’m an enigma to him, I think. I’d left the club with him quite easily that first night; I’d even surprised myself at how eager I’d been as we’d fumbled out the doors while kissing. I’d had a few drinks and we’d danced to a couple of songs and I’d let myself get

carried away. He’d pulled me into the alley next to the club and I’d let him press me back up against the cold brick wall and start kissing my neck. His lips had been warm as he’d sucked on my skin and his hands had run up and down my body in a haphazard way. To be honest, I’d been surprised by his lack of finesse. He hadn’t really excited me in that carnally explicit way I’d expected. His fingers had run over my breasts and I’d almost been nonchalant. I mean, yeah it was hot, but not as hot as I’d thought it would be. Not hot like in those movies. Or pornos. Not that I wanted to be in a porno, but you know what I mean. I was expecting heat factor multiplied by twenty. When you’re in the kind of situation where you are leaving a club with a hot man, you shouldn’t be thinking about what sort of panties you have on and if the bouncers might possibly catch you in the act and call the police. When you’re in that type of situation, all you should be thinking about is how much you want to be taken and how you can’t wait to get your legs up and wrapped around his waist so he can fuck you as hard as possible. I can’t say that I was thinking that and that is probably why he wasn’t able to seal the deal. Instead, we’d left the alley and went to get some cheap pizza and I ended up going back with him to his apartment, where we watched some crappy movie on Netflix while I let him run his hands up and down my thighs before I fell asleep on his chest, my hand resting on his semi-hardness before I fell off into oblivion. So yeah, I was surprised that he’d asked me out again. I was also surprised that he seemed to be so taken with me so quickly. I didn’t think that was how these things normally went. Guys as hot as him generally didn’t waste time with girls like me who didn’t even really know what we wanted. But that’s always how life goes, right? We always get the guys we don’t really care about that much, and the ones we really want can’t even be bothered with us. At least that’s how my life always goes. Just for once I wanted to be in a situation where I felt a little bit of excitement for and from a guy I really, really wanted to be with. Pierce arrived home about twenty minutes after I’d left Evan in the kitchen by himself. I have no idea what Evan had been doing in the kitchen during that time, but I know that he didn’t come out to the living room to check on me. “Hey, you,” Pierce said as he entered the apartment and gave me a huge smile. “Sorry I’m late.” “That’s okay.” I sat on his couch awkwardly, wondering if I should stand up and if it was appropriate to try and hug and kiss him, as if I hadn’t just been partially ogling his friend. “Where were you and how were you able to buzz me into the building?” “The buzzer is connected to my cellphone so I’m able to buzz anyone in from anywhere.” He shrugged. “You should be happy about that, right? At least you didn’t have to wait outside for me.” “I’m not complaining, was just curious.” I shrugged and stood up as he headed towards me. I gave him an awkward hug and he went for a kiss on my lips but got my cheek instead as I turned my face at the last moment. “Did you miss me, then?” he asked, not seeming to realize that something was off. “Yeah,” I lied and looked at him with an awkward smile. What the hell was I doing in this situation? Feeling uncomfortable and weird with this guy I thought was attractive, but a little off. “We don’t have to go out to eat if you don’t want.” His hand fell to the small of my back. “We can

just eat here.” “Oh?” I said, wondering if he was going to cook for me. That could be romantic. “What would you make?” “I wouldn’t make anything.” He looked confused. “My body is already here and so is yours.” “Huh?” I frowned, looking confused. “What does that have to do with anything?” “We can eat here or in my bedroom.” He winked. “Oh.” I just stared at him. This was almost worse than if he’d taken me for Ethiopian food. Did he really think this was on? Inviting me to dinner, getting me excited for free food, making me wait twenty-plus minutes, subjecting me to his hot friend and then basically cheapening out and saying he wanted sex? And not even after some food. What the hell was going on here? “I don’t think Jess is down for that plan.” A deep voice entered the room and I froze. Evan was back. Not that he’d gone anywhere, but he was back in the same room as me. “Oh, you’ve met Jess?” Pierce turned around and looked at Evan. “Yeah, we just met. While you were out.” Evan nodded and walked towards us, his eyes glittering as he stared at me. “She was surprised to see me.” “Yeah, I forgot to tell her you were here.” Pierce nodded. “Well, I didn’t realize you’d still be here. I thought you had a business dinner?” “It got cancelled.” Evan shrugged. “Figured I’d stick around the city for the night, but maybe I’ve overstayed my welcome.” “Of course not.” Pierce shook his head. “Wanna join us for dinner?” “In your bedroom?” Evan raised an eyebrow and looked at Pierce and winked before he started laughing. “Haha, yeah right.” Pierce laughed as well and they both looked at me with animated faces as I stood there uncomfortably, wondering if this was some sort of test. Maybe Pierce had deliberately put me in this position to test me. Maybe Evan had been waiting in the kitchen on purpose. Been deliberately provocative. Maybe they were hoping for some sort of kinky threesome. I could feel my skin warming as I stared at the two handsome men in front of me. “You have the wrong girl, fellas,” I said, my voice indignant. “Sorry, what?” Pierce looked at me in confusion, but I could see that Evan’s eyes were alight with mischief. He knew exactly what I was talking about. “I’m not that sort of girl,” I said louder this time as I took a step back from Pierce. “I’m not interested in that sort of thing.” “What sort of thing?” Pierce asked me, scratching his head. “A ménage à trois.” I glared at him. “You must have thought you’d gotten a good one at the club the other night, but I am not that sort of girl. I’m shocked you haven’t realized that yet. Actually, I’m not shocked.” I shook my head. “Why are you not shocked?” Pierce looked even more confused as he studied my face. “Because you took me out for Ethiopian food two times in a row.”

“So?” He pursed his lips and looked even more confused. “Did you want Ethiopian again tonight? Is that what this is all about? We can go out. Don’t get your knickers in a twist, I was just teasing you.” “No, I don’t want any horrible Ethiopian food.” I glared at him. “This is what I mean. I’ve told you two times now, I don’t like it. I don’t want it. Ever.” “Oh, okay.” He shrugged. “We don’t have to get it. I only suggested it because you brought it up.” “I brought it up because I was trying to make a point.” I sighed loudly, feeling frustrated and annoyed. Evan was staring at me with a huge grin on his face and I could tell that he was trying not to laugh, which was even more annoying to me. “What point?” he asked dumbly and I started to wonder what I’d seen in him. “The point about why I wouldn’t be shocked if you thought I was the sort of girl who would want a threesome with you and think I’d be down, even though it was clear from all of my signs that I was not interested in that sort of thing at all. I mean, we haven’t even had sex yet, so I don’t know why you’d think I’d be down for anything more than that. I’m not down for random-ass sex. And especially not a ménage à trois. I would never be down for that.” I wasn’t sure why I’d mentioned we hadn’t had sex yet. Maybe a subconscious part of me wanted Evan to know that. I told you, I’m certifiably crazy. “Did I ask you for a ménage à trois?” Pierce looked at me and blinked. Then he looked over at Evan. “Am I missing something here?” “I think it’s Jess that’s missing something,” Evan said with a straight face. I glared at him as he tapped two fingers next to the top of his head. I glared at him even harder and he started grinning at me, enjoying the fact that he was making me angry. “You’re so rude,” I said, my jaw dropping as he spun his finger in a circle next to his head, blatantly trying to provoke me by calling me crazy. “Sorry, what?” Evan said, his face a mask of innocence. “You’re not sorry.” “I never said I was sorry. I said, ‘sorry, what?’” He paused and then started speaking slowly. “I was saying ‘sorry, what?’ to indicate that I had no idea why you were calling me rude and would you be so kind as to explain to me what that reason was?” “You really have no idea as to why I think you’re rude?” I shook my head at him. “Yeah, right?” I looked over at Pierce to see what he was going to say, but he didn’t say or do anything. “Nope.” Evan cleared his throat. “But if you clarify, then I might have an idea.” “It’s fine.” I pursed my lips, feeling like I was even more confused myself now. I wasn’t even sure what we were arguing about anymore. He was talking in circles and the sparkle in his eyes was making me forget my own name. I knew that he knew exactly what he was doing and I was pretty sure that I was making myself look like an idiot in the situation, but I couldn’t help it. “It’s fine. Maybe we just had a misunderstanding.” “Yeah, I feel like several wires got crossed here,” Pierce said with a small smile. “Maybe we’re all just hungry.”

“Yeah, maybe that’s it,” I said with a small frown, wanting to roll my eyes, but knowing that would be childish. I wished that Alyssa were there so she could see how ridiculous the situation was. How could Pierce not see how rude Evan was? Maybe he knew, but he didn’t care or maybe he was just oblivious to it now. Maybe he’d dealt with Evan’s inappropriate comments so many times before that he felt it was normal. I don’t know what that said about him, but I knew that I should give him the benefit of the doubt. It wasn’t his fault that he had a douchey friend. And Evan definitely looked older than Pierce, so he should know better. Much better. I looked over at Evan and he still had a slight smirk on his face and I knew he was an instigator. He knew exactly what he was doing. I wonder now if he’d known from the beginning. If he’d had a plan from the start and, if not, when the plan came into place. If there was a plan, of course. Who knows? Sometimes I wonder if it was all me. Sometimes I wonder if I was the instigator, the fire-starter. Maybe a part of me had been fed up of my staid and boring life. Maybe a part of me wanted something exciting to happen. Though, I’m not sure that I would have wanted it to change that much. I wasn’t crazy. Or at least I’d never thought that I was crazy before. “Shall we all go and grab a bite, then?” Evan asked with a small smile. “My treat, as I seem to be part of the reason for all this confusion and drama.” “I won’t say no to a free meal.” Pierce grinned and I just stared at him. What had happened to Mr. confident and generous from the club? Where was the man who just wanted to spend time alone with me? Couldn’t he see that Evan was trouble? Couldn’t he see the sparks flying? Couldn’t he see that this was a bad idea? Obviously not. “Good. I know a great place.” Evan nodded with a satisfied smile and he gave me a small wink. “The food is good, but the views are even better. I know you’ll appreciate that, Jess.” “Yeah, you’re so thoughtful.” I just stared at him with narrowed eyes. I wasn’t going to rise to the bait anymore. I was not going to let him rile me up. At least that’s what I told myself. Aww, the lies we tell ourselves in the hopes that they will turn out to be true.

CHAPTER 4

J ess T HE FIRST TOUCH should have alerted me to the fact that Evan wasn’t just all talk. I mean, there are accidental touches and then there are accidental touches. A quick knee grab is not an accidental touch by any stretch of the imagination. A knee graze, maybe, but a knee squeeze, no way. Especially not one that lasts for over five seconds. Five seconds doesn’t sound like a lot of time, but try counting it out. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. That’s a lot of time for a hand—a strange hand—to be on your knee, squeezing it. Who even squeezes a knee? It seems so weird. It’s not like knees are known to be hugely erogenous zones. At least I didn’t think that they were known to be, but as we already know I’m not exactly the sex expert. And perhaps Evan is. He most definitely seems to be if the thrill that ran through my body when he touched my knee was anything to go by. When I tell you I thought my knee was going to catch on fire, I’m not exaggerating. At first, I thought it was Pierce’s hand on my knee and I was going to pluck it away. I was already annoyed with him. I mean, how could he think that it was okay to turn our date into a three-way dinner? It wasn’t really a great sign when the person you were interested in wanted to bring someone else on the date. The only consolation was that it wasn’t another girl. That would have been frigging ridiculous. But yeah, back to the knee-grab. I knew after about a second that it was Evan and not Pierce grabbing my knee, just from the way that Evan’s hand squeezed so warmly and intimately. It was like my body knew, hey this is someone else. Someone super-hot. Someone that would be great in bed, and it reacted immediately to that thought. I know that sounds crazy. It sounds crazy in my own head as well, but that’s the only way to explain the way I felt. As soon as he touched me, I felt as if I were going to internally combust. And it was like he knew it, if the smile on his face was any indication. I decided not to chastise him for the knee squeeze because really what could I say? He would probably claim that it had been an accident and I’d look like an idiot if I tried to object to that. Especially after how cool I’d been earlier in the apartment and so I said nothing. Which most likely is the reason why he believed that he could be even more daring when we were ordering

dessert. The meal had gone fairly well up until that point. I hadn’t said much. And Evan and Pierce hadn’t cared to try to include me in the conversation much. That normally would have bothered me, since I wanted to be included, but I was already feeling confused so I didn’t really mind that much. I sat there listening to them and I wondered to myself exactly how they knew each other. I wanted to ask but I didn’t. I’d ask Pierce later. I didn’t want Evan to think that I cared about anything to do with him. The second touch was much more of a thrill and made me jump. In fact I almost knocked over my glass of wine as I jumped out of my seat. This time Evan wasn’t just going for a knee squeeze. This time Evan was going for a thigh squeeze and, yeah, that shocked me. When I felt his fingers on my thigh, I froze. Then his fingers squeezed and, for one crazy second, I thought that he was going to try to do something even more outrageous. I thought he was going to move his fingers higher. That was why I jumped. I couldn’t believe what he was doing and of course Pierce was oblivious. I didn’t know how someone who had seemed so with it in the beginning could be so dumb, or if this was part of his plan or their plan. I hadn’t completely disowned the fact that perhaps they were in on some craziness together. Part of me thought that was the only thing that made sense. Why else would Evan be so crazy and daring? Didn’t he think I or Pierce would get upset at his actions? It seemed to me that he was taking a big risk for a couple of cheap thrills. The sad part was that I didn’t hate it. I mean, of course I was aghast. I’m not a complete heathen. I mean, yes, even though I was shocked and taken aback, I kind of liked it, the thrill. The dangerous excitement that he sparked in me with his touch was intoxicating. It both scared and excited me. I was pretty sure if Pierce had attempted the same thing I would have dismissed him right away. I would have slapped his hand away and told him where to get off. As much as I liked him, I didn’t let him get away with that sort of crap. He had tried hard that first night but I hadn’t felt this knee-jerk reaction to him. I mean that’s kind of unfair to say. I had thought he was super attractive, I mean, how could anyone not think that? He had an animal magnetism that most men didn’t possess, but unfortunately for Pierce, Evan was even more magnetic. He had a spark that was even more electrifying. It was something I couldn’t explain and I think he knew it. That’s why he was pushing his hand, in more ways than one. He enjoyed playing with me and getting a rise out of me, though I wasn’t sure why. What did he have to gain from flirting with me and trying to push his will? All it did was show that he wasn’t a good friend to Pierce. He wasn’t a good friend at all, unless they were both trying to test me in some way. Which I was pretty sure wasn’t true. Pierce seemed pretty oblivious to everything that was going on and I didn’t think he was that good of an actor. Not at all. It seemed to me that if he knew what he was doing he would have been giving me knowing looks and probably small smirks and winks. He wasn’t the subtle sort. Not at all. He was blatant in what he wanted and while that was easier to understand, it was something a little nice to not know and to be on the edge of attraction. I would never admit that out loud. I mean, what woman really wanted to admit that confusion can be an aphrodisiac? What woman wants to admit that we can be like boys as well? The chase, the not exactly knowing where we stand can make the eventual conquest a lot sweeter. Not that I was a hunter

and not that I wanted to be prey either. Hell no, I didn’t really want to be either. It was a weird thing to be dating. It was a weird thing to decide who you wanted to make love to. I knew why guys were always so confused by girls. It was because we were confused ourselves. Just a few weeks ago, I would have been happy to have met a hot guy like Pierce; yeah, maybe we weren’t a match made in heaven, but he was a good ego boost for now. Now, it seems Pierce wasn’t good enough. Not that I wanted Evan. I certainly didn’t want Evan. Not at all. Just because he was hot and sexy and just wouldn’t seem to disappear from my mind, even though I’d just met him. I really didn’t understand why he was over at Pierce’s apartment and seemed so comfortable talking to me however he wanted. I hadn’t asked Pierce because I didn’t want him to think that I was interested in Evan. I didn’t want to let anything slip. He couldn’t know I was attracted to his friend. He couldn’t know that his friend had played with my knee and ran his fingers up my leg under the table and that I’d enjoyed it. There was no way I could tell him that. And there was certainly no way I wanted him to suspect there was possibly any interest on my side, which he might think if I brought up Evan. I’d be scared he’d sense it in my voice and question me as to why I wanted to know anything. I mean, I didn’t think it would be crazy for me to have some questions, but I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. The questions might start with, “How do you know Evan?” and “How old is Evan? He seems older than you.” Then I might start going crazy. What if I asked if he was single? Ugh, that would be terrible. Pierce would surely know then by the eager look on my face as I waited on his answer that I might have a more vested interest in his answers, and I surely didn’t want him to think that. Not at all, so that’s why I didn’t ask anything. It was too much of a risk, too much of a slippery slope and I sure as hell didn’t need to ruin whatever was going on with Pierce and I just for some stupid non-flirtation with Evan. Arrogant prick. He probably did this with every woman he met because he knew he could. Most probably got off on some power trip, seeing how far he could get women to go. I knew there were guys like that, guys who didn’t really want relationships. Didn’t even care about the women they were flirting with. It was all about what they could get the women to do. How far they could get her to go, and if she were in a relationship with someone else, it was even more of a thrill. I wish now, of course, that I’d asked. I wish now that I’d sucked it up. That I hadn’t been so scared and stupid. If I had asked, maybe I would have avoided a lot of embarrassment. Maybe then I wouldn’t have gone down the same road. Maybe then I would have done things differently. Actually, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I hadn’t really had that much of a say in the matter.

CHAPTER 5

J ess YOU’RE MOST PROBABLY WONDERING why I continued to date Pierce when it was fairly obvious that while we’d had a great initial meeting, our subsequent dates hadn’t been all that. On top of that, it’s quite obvious I was attracted to Evan. The fact is I was lonely. Pierce was attractive and he liked me and he was good fun when he wanted to be. He didn’t push me for sex, which I really liked. I wasn’t sure how long he’d be cool with the no-sex thing, but Alyssa thought that he’d already shown remarkable constraint given the circumstances under which we’d met. And I had to agree with her. “Jess, that guy must have blue balls that go on to the end of days,” Alyssa had joked one evening when we’d stayed home to watch reruns of Gilmore girls on Netflix. “Blue balls for days?” I’d burst out laughing at her comment. “Not just for days,” Alyssa said with a smirk. “Blue balls until the end of days.” “End of days, huh?” I shook my head at her. “That’s a long time to have them.” “Yeah, it is. That’s what you’ve done to him.” “I haven’t done anything to him,” I said and all I could think about was Evan. I know. I’m a hot mess. “He’s a good guy, Jess,” Alyssa said slightly enviously. “He’s not bad. He’s not exactly in line to be a pope or anything. I don’t think St. Peter ’s about to give him any keys.” “Who?” Alyssa asked blankly. “No one,” I said with a small smile and shake of my head. “So do you think you’ll sleep with him soon? Put him out of his misery?” “I don’t know,” I said honestly. I really didn’t know what I was going to do with Pierce. I mean, a part of me thought I should just get it out of the way. It wasn’t like I didn’t like sex. It wasn’t like I didn’t crave that intimacy. I just didn’t know if I craved it with Pierce. Even though he was pretty hot and clearly wanted me, which was a huge ego boost, was an ego boost enough for a lasting relationship? I didn’t know. I was so confused about everything. So, so confused.

“I’d love to meet a guy like Pierce,” Alyssa continued wistfully. “You’re so lucky. He must really love you.” “What?” I almost choked at her words. “Love? We barely know each other. Alyssa, he doesn’t love me. He barely knows me. Why would you even think or say that? Are you crazy?” “Girl, he has to love you,” she said seriously. “I don’t know many guys who would put up with no sex. And I’m talking ugly guys and we both know that Pierce doesn’t qualify as ugly. He’s hot as hell. He can have models in his bed every night of the week if he wants, yet he’s being calm and patient with you, waiting around for who knows what.” “It’s because I’m a challenge.” I frowned. “But thanks, Alyssa, you’re sure making me feel better about myself.” “What do you mean?” She sat up and looked at me. “I mean, I’m glad he could have a hot model in his bed every night, but he’s settling for me.” “I didn’t say he’s settling for you.” She sighed. “And you’re hot too, you know that.” “Uh huh. Let’s not compare me to some Victoria’s Secret model though, which we know he can get.” “Oh, Jess.” Alyssa got up from her couch and walked over to me. “That’s not what I meant and you know that. That’s not what I meant at all. I was just saying that you have a good guy who really likes you and that should make you happy. That should make you feel good about yourself. I don’t know why you aren’t happier.” “What’s there to be happy about?” I looked at her with a small frown. “If anything I’m not living up to my end of the bargain. I’m not giving him what he deserves—what other, more beautiful, women would give him.” “Jess, what is going on with you? Where are you getting that from?” Alyssa touched my shoulder. “Are you okay?” I feel like you’re not acting like you’re super happy for someone who’s in this situation.” “What situation, Alyssa? What situation am I in that should make me so happy?” I turned to her and frowned. “I met a hot guy in a club. We left the club, made out. He was hoping for sex, didn’t get it. We’ve been on a couple of dates—well, more than a couple, and I’m sure he’s still hoping for sex and maybe that’s why he’s keeping me around. There have been no declarations of love or anything close to that. No flowers, no jewelry. No nothing of substance. I don’t even know if he really likes me or if he’s just waiting to get laid. And honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about him, or if I want to possibly hookup with his hot friend, Evan, because I suck.” “Wait, what?’ Alyssa gasped loudly. “Who the fuck is Evan? And why haven’t I heard of him before?” “Evan is the big problem.” I sighed and leaned back on the couch, groaning. “Oh, my God, Alyssa, I haven’t been able to talk about it because I’m so embarrassed and ashamed but this guy Evan… Argh.” I groaned loudly and closed my eyes for a few seconds as I pictured his face. “Oh, my God, I haven’t been able to get him out of my mind. He’s the reason why I haven’t been able to sleep

with Pierce yet. You don’t know how this guy has gotten under my skin already. It’s crazy. I don’t even know him. Barely met him once or twice. Barely had a conversation with him and the conversations we have had have shown me that he’s an arrogant asshole. A real bastard. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. He’s absolutely horrible. Cocky, full of himself. A real jerk. And he even touched me. Albeit it was on my knee and kinda on my thigh, but still—how rude, right? But even though he’s everything we hate in a guy there’s something about him that’s gotten under my skin and I just don’t know why. I just do not understand why I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m a horrible, horrible person, Alyssa. I know I am. I feel absolutely horrible, but I just can’t help myself. And, man, he’s so, so cocky—I said that, right? What’s worse is that he seems to be really close to Pierce, so he seems to always be around. It’s like this weird kind of torture.” I finally stopped talking and looked over at Alyssa to see her expression to what I’d just confessed to her. I was surprised to see a huge smile on her face. “What’s so funny? I asked her with narrowed eyes. “You.” She giggled. “I never thought I’d see this day.” “What day?” I frowned. “The day that you became a player.” “I’m not a player.” I pouted my lips. “I’m far from a player.” “You are so a player.” Alyssa almost cackled in glee as she bounced up and down on the couch. “Who would have thunk it?” “Alyssa, I’m not a player. You have to be dating multiple guys to be a player. I’m not doing that. I’m barely dating one guy.” “Yeah, but you are kinda into his friend and from what you’re saying, it also seems like he’s into you as well.” She smiled at me in glee. “I mean, if he’s touching you, it sounds like he has an interest in you as well.” “Alyssa, ugh. Don’t. He’s the player. He’s not into me. He’s just trying to play me.” I made a face. “Imagine if you start dating both of them at the same time.” Her eyes widened and she clapped her hands excitedly like a little child. “Oh, my God, I can’t believe you, Jess. This is so exciting!” “What are you talking about?” I glanced at her but I couldn’t stop a small smile from crossing my face. “This is hardly exciting.” “Yes, it is. I’m in shock.” Alyssa jumped up. “This calls for some music and a small dance party.” “Dance party?” I gave her a look. “Really? A dance party? Why does this call for a dance party?” “Because dancing is fun and you’re finally becoming a woman!” “Huh?” I gave her a confused look. “What the hell are you talking about?” “You’re finally hitting your stride in your sexuality.” She grinned. “I am?” “Sure looks like it to me.” She nodded and reached out her hands to me. “Pause Lorelei and Rory and let’s get some Pitbull up in here.” “Alyssa, you make me laugh.” I shook my head at her. “Here I am feeling like shit about myself, yet you’re acting like I just told you I won the lottery—and not a dollar scratch-off either. You’re

acting like I told you that I just won a million bucks or something. This is not something deserving of a dance party and definitely not Pitbull. Next thing you’ll be saying is that we need some Nicki Minaj as well and you know that that is just not on.” “Oh, Jess, come on, let’s have some fun. Stop being so repressed. Own it. Shit, fuck Pierce and Evan. Who cares? If you want to do it, do it. Just make sure you use protection. We don’t need any babies up in here and we sure as hell don’t want to be on Maury.” “Maury?” I asked her in confusion. “How else would we know who the baby daddy is?” Alyssa asked with a wink. “Alyssa,” I shouted at her and laughed. “You’re absolutely horrible. I am not a slut.” “Well, maybe you should be.” She winked again. “Dude, you were just saying Pierce has blue balls. I don’t go from giving one guy blue balls to not giving two guys blue balls.” “Does that sentence even make sense, Jess?” Alyssa walked over to her Bose Speaker. “I think not.” She plugged her phone into the speaker and pressed play. Taylor Swift erupted into the room telling us to “shake it off” and we both started laughing. I jumped up off of the couch and walked over to Alyssa and we started dancing in the middle of the room as if neither of us had a care in the world. My worries about Pierce and Evan were gone and her sadness of having no one was gone was well, lost to the music as we let ourselves let go of all our concerns. “Did I tell you that Pierce adopted a dog?” I said as I danced around the room with Alyssa. “His name is Squirrel.” “Squirrel?” Alyssa gave me an astonished look and we both just started giggling uncontrollably. Maybe I needed to not take this situation so seriously. Maybe Alyssa was right. I just needed to go with it. Besides, whatever was going to happen was going to happen regardless of how much I analyzed or thought about it.

CHAPTER 6

J ess HAVE you ever gone into a situation knowing that it wasn’t going to be what you expected? Like, you knew things would be different, yet you still went into it, not really caring or even hoping for the outcome to be different? I knew the night that I decided to go over to Pierce’s place to look after his dog while he was out of town was going to be one of those situations. I’m not sure how or why. It wasn’t as if I knew that Evan would be there. I mean, I’d hoped that he would be. I’d hoped that we’d get to banter back and forth again and I’d get to make sarcastic jabs at him while admiring him from afar. I mean, he was a jerk and I couldn’t stand him. He was just far too cocky. Especially for a man his age. Who did he think he was? I didn’t think it was appropriate for him to flirt with me in the way he had knowing that I was kind of dating Pierce. It seemed—forget seemed, it was completely inappropriate. Yet, there was something in his actions that made the situation even more exciting and sexy. Dangerous, even. How far could we push it? How much could he say? How rude could I be back to him? At what point would we reach the line that shouldn’t be crossed? Maybe never, maybe we’d just continue like this? But then, how could this continue? What would Pierce think? Would he find it strange? Of course, he’d find it strange. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I wasn’t thinking about the ifs, ands, or buts. I was only thinking about the excitement. I was only thinking about the banter. And so that’s why I eagerly went to pet-sit that night. That’s why I agreed to do something I knew could potentially lead to something pretty crazy. It’s as if I wanted to go down Crazy Street. I arrived at Pierce’s around six. His dog “Squirrel”—a stupid dog name if ever I heard one—ran up to me, his tail wagging as I entered the apartment. I groaned when I realized that he’d already had an accident on the floor. I’d thought Pierce had said the dog was house-trained when he’d adopted him. I considered leaving the pee on the floor and pretending that he had done it after I’d left but then I realized that he most likely would do it again. And several puddles of pee in the living room wouldn’t be explained as last minute and it would probably stink in the apartment. It was already starting to smell a little bad and he’d only done one pee so far.

“Hey, Squirrel.” I reached down to scratch him between the ears and he eagerly licked my hand, leaving a large amount of slobber on my skin that I immediately wiped away on my jeans. Gross! Yeah, so if you didn’t know by now, I’m not exactly a dog person. Not really. Which is why it makes it even shadier that I’d agreed to dog-sit. I never would have done it if I hadn’t thought that there would be a possibility that Evan would be there. Yeah, I told you, I like playing with fire. “Squirrel, do you want to go on a walk?” I asked the dog, stupidly waiting for an answer, as if I thought he’d respond. He did wag his tail and I knew that he was eager for a walk. I groaned inwardly, since I didn’t really want to walk him. I had no clue how to properly walk a dog and especially not on the streets of San Francisco where there were so many hills. I wasn’t in bad shape, but the thought of walking a pooping and peeing Squirrel up and down hills wasn’t an exciting prospect for me. “Okay, okay, where’s your leash?” I looked around the room and sighed, knowing that I’d have to tidy up the mess that he already made in the apartment as well. It amazed me that Pierce had adopted a dog. He was just so put together and suave. He just wasn’t the sort of guy who you’d think would own an overweight basset hound that seemed to have toilet issues. And he certainly didn’t seem to be the sort of guy to name said dog Squirrel. Like, what the hell? Had he been high when he named his dog? Or maybe—and I was surprised that a twinge of jealousy hadn’t hit me at the thought—an exgirlfriend had named a previous dog that he’d owned Squirrel and she’d kept the dog when they broke up. Maybe the ex had even lived with him. I looked around the living room, considering. Was this the sort of room a guy would have chosen the furniture for? Everything seemed to match so well. It almost looked like a photo from a Pottery Barn or Restoration Hardware catalog. Hmm, maybe Pierce had even been engaged before? Maybe he was still in love with her. I waited to feel the inevitable churning in my stomach at the thought of him truly loving someone else, but it never hit me. I was surprised. Was my lack of jealousy related to the fact that I didn’t care enough, or was it related to the fact that I felt that confident in our “relationship”? We’d only met a couple of weeks ago and made out a couple of times. We hadn’t even had sex yet. A fact that I think surprised both of us for different reasons. Part of me thought that the reason he still kept me around was related to the fact that I’d become a challenge to him. Maybe he was only spending time with me because he wanted to get me into bed. Maybe that was his end game and once he had me it would all be done. I mean, I knew how guys were. I knew that sex was a big thing and they liked a chase. Maybe he thought I was playing games. Maybe he thought that I was one of those girls who was using sex as a gateway into a more serious relationship. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking and I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t slept with him yet. It wasn’t because I didn’t fancy him; I thought he was hot as hell. And I was physically attracted to him. My body did want him, yet something always stopped me from going all the way. Maybe it was because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep up with him in bed. Maybe it was because I was scared he’d get me to do all sorts of kinky things that I wasn’t down for. I’m not one hundred percent sure but all I knew was that I was in this quasi-relationship with this hot guy, dog-sitting for his crazy dog and hoping to see his semi-rude, very hot friend. “Squirrel, where is your leash?” I spoke to the dog again as I looked around the room. How was I

going to walk the dog if I couldn’t find his leash? Squirrel started whining in response and ran up to the front door, lifting his paws up to scratch against the wood. “Not helpful, Squirrel.” I groaned. “Not helpful at all.” I walked to the kitchen and looked for a leash or anything that I could possibly tie around his neck and walk him with. I wanted to cry as Squirrel kept whining and shaking his ass. I thought I heard a sound that sounded suspiciously close to a fart, but only really took notice when a horrible waft got past my nose. Squirrel had farted and, by the smell of it, he was dangerously close to pooping. And I sure as hell didn’t want to clean up his stinky poo and pee from the floor. “Squirrel, please, please do not poop in the house. “ I moaned out loud and hurried to Pierce’s bedroom to see if somehow he’d left the leash in there. I walked in to see that his bed was unmade and he had clothes all over the floor. I had to admit I was surprised. I hadn’t thought that Pierce would be so untidy. I mean, you just don’t expect a sexy, suave man to end up being a slob. I bent down to pick up some of his clothes and throw them on the bed and then thought I noticed something that looked like a leash in the corner of his room, beside his chest of drawers. I could hear Squirrel still whining and I hoped that he hadn’t pooped yet. I bent down and grabbed the leather strap that was on the ground and pulled on it. It was caught behind the dresser and so I pulled harder. I paused as I thought I heard a noise, but I knew that I had to be imagining it. Pierce was in Miami so I knew he wasn’t here. It was probably just Squirrel darting around the room, probably playing in his pee and making a bigger mess for me to clean up. I pulled the leather strap again, tugging as hard as I could, willing it to come out. It didn’t even occur to me that this would be a weird place for Squirrel’s leash to get caught. I kept pulling and fell back slightly as it came loose. “Ooh,” I thought to myself and then I exclaimed out loud. “What the hell?” as I realized that what I was holding was not a leash at all but some sort of leather strap that was intended for some sort of sexual play, if the feathers and spikes on the other end were any indication. “So what’s going on here, then?” The deep voice behind me made me jump and I turned around both in surprise and excitement. “What do you think is going on?” I asked snarkily, as I glanced at Evan, who was standing there with a smug look on his face as he glanced down at me as if I were some peasant girl on his farm and he were deigning to talk to me. “It looks like you’re playing with a sex toy, all by yourself,” he said with a self-satisfied smile. “And it’s not going well. There are schools that can teach you things, you know. And YouTube videos.” “Teach me things?” I looked up at him with a frown. “What things?” I groaned as I realized how stupid my question was. What sort of things did I think he was going to talk about? “Things that would ensure that you were a woman who knows what she is doing.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “And from the look of things, you’re not currently that woman.” “Whatever.” I rolled my eyes at him and stood up. “What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here?” He gave me a look that indicated that he thought I was stupid, and I wanted to jump up and smack the smirk off his face. “That’s what I asked you,” I said, trying to give him my most indignant look. “Do you have trouble understanding English?” “Do you have trouble being polite?” “That’s rich coming from you.” “Excuse me?” he said with a smirk on his face. “You’re one of the most impolite men I’ve ever met.” I glared at him. “And you’ve known many men, then?” He raised an eyebrow at me. “Surprising.” “Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?” I frowned at him. “I mean, you don’t seem to be that experienced, so I’m surprised that you’ve been around town.” “Been around town?” “Been around the block.” He paused and gave me another one of his “are you dumb?” looks. “What the hell are you trying to say?” “I’m not saying anything. I’m just trying to clarify what you just told me.” “I didn’t just tell you anything.” I glared at him. “You’re deliberately trying to be confusing.” “I don’t deliberately try to be anything. If you find me confusing that’s because you can’t keep up.” “I don’t know that I want to keep up with you,” I said, suddenly feeling like I had made a huge mistake coming here tonight. Staring at him made me feel weird inside. It struck me unawares, but something about him made me believe that he had the power to hurt me. This was all fun and games, until someone crossed the line and things got awkward. And it was starting to feel like it could get awkward really quickly. “You sure about that?” he asked me softly, his tone changing and becoming more serious. He watched me as I watched him, carefully, our eyes taking in every detail of each other's appearance. His lips were cracked. Mine were pinkish-red from both my lip-gloss and the strawberry lollipop I'd been sucking before I’d arrived. He probably wanted to know why my lips were bright pink and red at the same time just as badly as I wanted to know why his were cracked. More than likely, both of us were wondering how far we could push it and if this flirtation was as innocent as it seemed, if we were both just playing games with each other, or if perhaps there was someone else in either of our lives. Not Pierce, obviously. Pierce, we both knew about. He was not important in this equation. But another party, another party on either of our sides, was more dangerous. Could be a cause for jealousy. Craziness, right? How could you be jealous of someone you had nothing with? I don’t know how to explain my attraction to Evan. It’s just one of those things. Every time I saw him my stomach flipped and my heart beat erratically. His hair was cropped, low to the base of his head, sexy in a Marine-style way. He looked like he’d had a haircut from the last time I’d seen him. I wondered what he would do if I stroked his hair, ran my fingers along his head. His tresses looked like they would feel silky against my fingers, even if slightly spikey. I played with my hair hastily, trying to smooth it out. Mine was messy, unkempt, my raven locks disheveled. Not exactly the femme

fatale look. I wondered what he'd do if I changed the rules. Wonder what he’d say if I leaned in and told him, “Come on, then, big boy, show me what you got. Stop with the talk. Let’s just do this.” I knew that would likely shock him, take him aback. He would never expect it. Never in a million years. Guys like him didn’t think girls like me would actually start playing the game back. A part of me wanted to change the rules on him. Make him feel uncomfortable, but I knew I didn’t have it in me. I was too scared. Too scared that he’d accept and then I’d be the one who couldn’t back out. “I’m not sure what you’re doing here, but I’m here to walk Squirrel. Nothing more and nothing less. And to be honest, I don’t even know why I had to come? I mean, if you’re here, why do I have to walk Squirrel?” “You volunteered, didn’t you?” Evan looked at me with a smirk. “That was your mistake.” “I didn’t volunteer to walk him.” I made a face. “I’m not really into cleaning up poop and pee.” “I don’t think you have to clean up the pee.” Evan laughed. “Unless you want to mop it up.” “Well, it’s not like I’m going to leave it on the ground to stain the floors.” “You going to mop it up from the grass as well?” “Mop it up from the grass?” I looked at him with confusion in my eyes. “Yeah. The grass. He wouldn’t be pissing on the ground if you were to get him outside in time.” “Why would I be mopping up piss from the grass?” I glared at him. “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “That’s why I was asking you.” “You’re insufferable.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “You’re one of the most annoying men I think I’ve ever met in my life.” “You haven’t met many men in your life, then?” He laughed. “Grrr.” I just shook my head and turned away. “Squirrel,” I shouted. “Where are you? Squirrel, come on, let’s go.” I walked towards the door and Squirrel came barreling into me in excitement, tongue wagging and farting all the way. I turned my nose up at the smell and prayed to God that he hadn’t let a poop out in the living room. “I can tell you really love dogs,” Evan said as he glanced at me staring at Squirrel’s butt in disgust. “I’m just trying to see if Squirrel went to the toilet.” I didn’t see any discoloring from Squirrel’s butt, so I was hopeful that I didn’t have to tend to any butt emergencies. “If you’re that worried that Squirrel needs to go that badly, maybe you should take him out now, instead of sitting here flirting with me.” “Flirting with you?” My jaw dropped and I glanced at him. “Are you frigging kidding me right now?” I stared at the twinkle in his eyes and then looked away quickly. I just couldn’t with this guy. He was too much. He knew exactly how to get me going, in more ways than one. He was trouble if ever I saw trouble. “Do you know where Squirrel’s leash is?” I pinched my lips together, knowing that I had to ask him if I ever wanted to get Squirrel out of the house. “In his doggy box, with all his other stuff, I presume,” Evan said matter-of-factly and I wanted to punch him.

“And where is that?” I asked through pursed lips. “In the kitchen, by the pantry, where it has always been.” “Okay.” I walked out of the bedroom and hurried to the kitchen, stopping myself from saying anything else. Evan was such a douchebag and so condescending. I just didn’t know how Pierce or anyone else put up with him. No wonder he was single. Well, I didn’t know that he was single for sure, but I could only assume. Or secretly hope. I wasn’t sure which statement was more accurate. Did I assume or hope? I wasn’t sure and I didn’t really want to find out. “If I wanted you, I could have you right now.” His words were teasing and tormenting as he followed me out of the room and I turned around and stared at him in shock. “Excuse me?” I said, after allowing my shock to subside a little. “Who do you think you’re talking to?” “Do you see anyone else in the room?” He looked around and gave me an “Are you all right in the head?” look. “No, but I know you can’t be talking to me like that.” I shook my head at him and took a step back. “You’re so inappropriate.” “I am?” He laughed and took a step closer to me. “If you think this is inappropriate then you ain’t seen nothing yet.” “I don’t want to see anything.” I turned back around and started opening cupboard doors, forgetting which one was the pantry. I was starting to panic. Evan was a lot more brazen than I’d thought he was going to be. I mean, there was flirting and being obnoxious and then there was being absolutely crazy. He was absolutely crazy. I mean, this was ridiculous. How could he be telling me he could have me right now? Especially knowing I was dating his friend. He was absolutely crazy and the sick part of me was that I loved it. I loved that he was so inappropriate. I was a lot sicker in the head than I thought I was, obviously. “Here we are.” I could hear the relief in my voice as I found a box of dog toys, which also contained dog food and Squirrel’s elusive leash. “Squirrel, come,” I shouted and Squirrel came running into the kitchen, probably hoping for some sort of juicy treat, but I wasn’t about to risk anything getting his stomach going before we exited the apartment. “Sit, boy, sit,” I said as he stopped in front of me, but the stupid dog didn’t seem to know what that meant. Instead he jumped up and tried to get into his dog box and snatch a bag of treats himself. “Squirrel, sit,” I said loudly and pushed his butt down. He ignored me and then grabbed a bag from the box and went off running. “No, Squirrel, no.” I groaned, and ignored Evan as he started laughing. He was so not a gentleman. A gentleman would have helped me get Squirrel on his leash. “Squirrel…” I grabbed the leash and went chasing after the dog. I was starting to feel really frustrated and knew that I would never be dumb enough to take on a responsibility like this again. Not unless I was being compensated or getting something really good from it. I felt like I was being punished because I had agreed to help Pierce with slightly bad intentions in my mind. I had kind of hoped that I would see Evan here, even if all of me didn’t want to truly believe that. I mean, who admits to themselves that they want to put themself in a really stupid position? It’s not like there was any good reason for me to see Evan, none

at all. There were only bad reasons why I would want to be engaging with him. Reasons that had nothing to do with helping Squirrel or Pierce. I was so bad. “Squirrel, stop.” I groaned as I watched the mutt pulling apart his treat bag and stuffing treats down his face. “No, bad boy.” I sighed as he just looked up at me and continued eating. “Squirrel, come, boy.” Evan had followed me into the room and called out to the dog. Squirrel listened to him immediately, dropped the bag and ran over to him. “Sit,” Evan said calmly and my jaw dropped as Squirrel sat for him like a good boy. “Hand me the leash,” Evan said and put his hand out to me. I handed it to him silently and watched as he reached down and clipped the leash on Squirrel’s collar. “Here.” He handed the leash back to me. “You should take him out now before he has an accident.” “Yeah.” I nodded and because I didn’t know what else to say I just gave him a small grateful smile and pulled on Squirrel’s leash and headed towards the front door quickly. “Come on, Squirrel,” I said softly, grateful that the dog was actually coming along this time. The dog followed me through the front door and down the stairs and it wasn’t a moment too soon as he let out a load as soon as we made it to the pavement. I just stared as he did his business right outside the front door and I wondered to myself what would have happened if Evan hadn’t helped me at the very last moment. That had been nice of him. And it had been impressive. His voice had been so commanding, so strong, so assertive. Squirrel had listened and obeyed right away. It was a little infuriating that Squirrel had listened to him and not to me, but I was just glad that Squirrel had listened to someone before it had been too late. I wasn’t sure what I would have done if Evan hadn’t been there to take charge right at the end. I also wasn’t sure what I would have done if Evan had pushed me back against the wall and pushed himself into me and told me that he was ready to take me then and there. A part of me wasn’t sure that I’d have been able to say no. A part of me kinda wished he would have tried.

CHAPTER 7

J ess “JESS, I want you to know how special you are to me.” Pierce gazed at me with an intensity in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before. “It means so much to me that you took care of Squirrel for me while I was out of town.” “No worries,” I said and gave him a small smile. I wasn’t about to tell him that it was unlikely to happen again. Squirrel had given me a workout that my legs didn’t appreciate, and my fingernails didn’t appreciate having to pick up so much dirt, debris and poop. “It really means a lot to me. Many girls wouldn’t have done that for their boyfriends.” “Uh, yeah.” My eyes widened at his words. Did he just call himself my boyfriend? What was going on? Instead of feeling jubilation and excitement at his words, I was starting to feel panicked. “You’re really special to me, Jess.” “Yeah, you just said that.” I looked down at my salad awkwardly. Oh, God, he wasn’t going to propose, was he? Oh, my God, that would just be my luck. I’d always hoped in my head something crazy, wacky and romantic like this would happen to me, but this wasn’t what I’d hoped for. I mean, shit, any proposal would be nice, and he was hot, but this didn’t feel as good as I thought it would feel. “I just wanted you to know I’m really happy I met you.” He looked a little nervous. “And I just wanted...” He frowned and paused as he looked me. “Are you okay? You look a little sick.” “I’m fine.” I gulped. Oh, God, what was I going to tell Alyssa? Getting engaged after a month of dating and no sex was really fast. I wasn’t sure if she would be pleased for me or sad for herself. “I just wanted to say I know that when we met, I was kinda pushing for a sexual relationship and I made it clear that I wanted to know you on an intimate level,” he continued. “And normally that is my number one concern, but this is different. You’re different.” He paused. Here it comes, I thought to myself. Yeah, I can be a bit delusional. I’m not really sure why I thought he was going to propose. Maybe because I really have no clue when it comes to men and relationships. Maybe because I’m what my friends call “extra.” I always seem to think that the most extraordinary thing is going to happen in all situations. I suppose that it was quite appropriate that

eventually that ended up being true. But this was not one of those situations. Pierce was not about to propose, as I’m sure you most likely already guessed. Only I could have thought that Pierce was going to propose in that moment because I’d cleaned up some of his dog’s poop for a week. “I’m surprised that you’re still dating me.” I half-laughed. “Why?” he asked curiously. “Because I haven’t slept with you as yet.” I shrugged and he smiled widely. “That’s because you’re special.” He reached over and touched my hand. “Because I looked after Squirrel?” “Not just because of that.” He shook his head. “I can’t explain it. You just make me think about different things.” “Oh?” Please don’t say having a family. I’m not ready for that right now. Not with you, at least, I thought guiltily. Not that I was crazy enough to be thinking of having a family with Evan. All I wanted was to see what it would feel like to kiss him. Yeah, I can admit it. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel his body next to mine. You know how bad that feels to realize that you want to kiss your boyfriend’s friend as you’re sitting there thinking he wants to propose to you? Not that great. “Yeah. I’m glad that I didn’t just get pissed off that first night after you played those games with me.” “Huh?” I frowned. “What games?” “The pull and tug games.” “What pull and tug games?” My voice rose. “The ‘I want you to fuck me, but I’m going to pretend I don’t,’” he said knowingly. “Excuse me?” My voice rose again as I glanced at him. “What are you talking about?” “We left that club both knowing we were going to get down and dirty.” He shrugged. “The condoms in my wallet were excited that they were about to get used.” “I see.” I pursed my lips and in that moment all thoughts and worries that he was going to propose to me fled out the window. “I mean, we both knew that, right?” “Uhm, no, I didn’t know that your condoms were excited because they thought that they were going to get used.” “That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that I think that we both had the understanding that we were going to be getting to know each other intimately that night.” “You mean in the back alley behind the club?” I asked him, one eyebrow raised. “That would have been hot, right?” He winked at me and I tried not to make a face at him. Now, if I’m being honest, I should have gotten up and left right then and there. I knew in that moment that Pierce and I were not a match made in heaven. How could I not? But I didn’t get up. I didn’t leave. I didn’t leave because I knew that if I did, it would be unlikely that I would get to see Evan again and that was something that I really wanted. I know, I know, I’m a horrible person. You don’t have to remind me of that.

“I don’t know about that.” I shook my head. “Anyways, we’re getting sidetracked.” He shook his head as well. “It’s not even about what could have happened. I’m glad it didn’t happen. You mean more to me than that.” “I do?” I looked at him, trying to understand what he was talking about. I mean, I’m all for romantic gestures. I’m all for guys declaring their undying love, especially to me, but even I had to admit that we didn’t have much of a history or that much of a connection for him to be making these declarations. I’m sure I would have thought differently about it if he were someone that I was really and truly interested in. “Do you like me, Jess?” He cocked his head to the side. “Sometimes, I can’t really tell.” “What do you mean?” I blinked at him, panic filling me and not because I thought he was going to propose. Did he know that I liked Evan? “I don’t know. Sometimes I can’t tell if you want to be my girlfriend or not?” “Oh.” I licked my lips nervously. What did I say to that? “You’re an enigma.” He leaned forward. “I think that’s part of the reason why I like you so much.” For a few seconds, I stared at him in shock, thinking that he’d just said that he loved me, but then I calmed down and replayed what he’d said in my head. Like, not love, like. Much better. If he’d said love, I’m not sure what I would have done. “Oh, interesting,” I said and giggled while I played with my salad. Why had I gotten a salad? I didn’t even like salads. I should have gotten the lobster roll and fries. I would have much preferred that. I was annoyed at myself. I wondered if it was too late to order some fries. Fries and salad didn’t really go, though. I wondered if he would think I was weird if I ordered some fries now? “So what do you think?” Pierce’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “Think about what?” I said, wondering if he could read my mind. Was he asking if I thought I should order the fries or not? “About being my girlfriend.” He squeezed my hand. “Are you happy? I know that I kinda just assumed we were together like that.” “Uhm, I don’t mind,” I mumbled. “So my mom wants to throw a birthday party for me next week and we don’t want it to be awkward.” “Awkward?” I glanced at him curiously. “Why would it be awkward?” “Well, you know, Evan.” He shrugged and gave me a look as if I should know exactly what he was talking about. Which of course I didn’t. Was he saying that he and his mom knew that Evan had been inappropriate with me? Or was he saying that he knew that I had a slight interest? “Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, I don’t think it would be awkward, right?” I gave him a slow smile and hoped for the best. “Yeah, I think it will be fine. Especially because you’ll be there. My mom is excited to meet my new girlfriend.”

“She is?” I said faintly, my stomach dropping, wondering what I’d gotten myself into. What exactly had he told his mom about me? For a second, I felt slightly panicked, worried that perhaps he was going to propose at the party. That would suck, but I let myself take a few deep breaths before I started panicking again. Stop being an idiot Jess, I lectured myself. Pierce was not about to propose anytime soon. I wasn’t sure why that thought kept popping up in my mind. It was so entirely ridiculous. “Yeah, to be honest, you’ll be the first girlfriend that she’s met.” He grinned at me. “No pressure.” “Haha, yeah, no pressure.” Oh, God, I thought to myself. This was almost as bad as him proposing. This was almost as bad. And this wasn’t just in my head. This was for real. I knew that I should have just left the restaurant and never looked back. I knew that I should have just cut my losses. I mean, what good was going to come from this situation? What good was going to come from pretending I was far more interested in him than I was? I mean, yeah, I liked him, and yeah, the first time I met him, I thought that perhaps we had a connection. There had been a physical attraction. And I think in that moment I’d decided to go along with it. Figured maybe it could be better. Maybe I just had to give it a bit more time. Figured maybe everything would work out well, regardless of the fact that everything was muddled in my mind.

CHAPTER 8

J ess T HE INVITATION CAME VIA EMAIL. It wasn’t completely unexpected, yet it was much more formal than I would have expected for a birthday invite.

DEAR JESS, You are cordially invited to the thirtieth birthday party of Pierce Johnson on Saturday July 15th. Please RSVP by Monday the 10th. Linda Johnson

P.S. I’m so very excited to meet you, Jess. Pierce has told me so much about you. I’m sure you must be a very special person in his life.

I READ the email and my stomach dropped. I hadn’t expected for her to include a personal message in the email. Exactly what had Pierce told his parents about me? I didn’t even know much about him, let alone his parents. I started to feel nervous thinking about what Pierce’s parents’ expectations were going to be when we met. I was also worried that Evan was going to be there. And what if he was up to his old tricks? What if he tried to tease me or touch me and did it in front of the parents? What if they noticed that I was more receptive to it than I should have been? What if they thought I was flirting back? They’d think I was a horrible girlfriend. Might even make a scene and say that I was a cheater or something. What then if they told Pierce that I’d been flirting with his friend? What if Pierce went up to Evan and started an argument with him? What if they got into a fight? A huge bust up, fists flying, black eyes might be given—shit, one of them might break a hand, or an arm or a leg, or something. That would

be absolutely crazy. That would ruin the party. I mean, it would be kinda cool to have two guys fighting over me. It would be the first time and it would be kind of cool. It would be nice to have two hot guys fighting over me. Though maybe not in this situation. Maybe not at Pierce’s birthday. In front of his parents and friends. Especially after Pierce’s mom had sent me such a nice personal message along with my invitation. The way she was going on made me think she thought there was potential for her to be my mother-in-law. I didn’t want to break her heart the first time she met me. That could happen later on. Shit, hopefully I wasn’t going to have to meet her again. Maybe I’d have to have a conversation with Pierce sooner rather than later. I didn’t want him telling his parents anything about me, making them think this was something it wasn’t. I was mostly surprised to be in such a relationship. I never would have expected Pierce to be like this. It just boggled my mind that such a good-looking guy would be acting this crazy. It made me wonder what he’d say if I were to do the same thing. What if my mom were contacting him, asking him questions that made it seem like I thought we had some sort of serious relationship? I was sure that he’d be freaking out. Maybe I should do the same thing. Maybe I should ramp it up. That way I wouldn’t be the bad guy in the situation. If I started to get crazy maybe he would have doubts about me and that would make it a lot easier. At least then I wouldn’t feel like the bad person in the situation. Even if technically I was already the bad person in the situation. Well, not in actuality but in my head for sure. I wasn’t sure if I should get dressed up for the party. Pierce wanted me to host the party with him, but I thought that was weird. This wasn’t the sort of thing that we needed to host together. It wasn’t even appropriate. Not for our level of relationship. I mean, it even felt weird saying “relationship” for what we had. I still couldn’t believe that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Based on what, exactly, I didn’t know. It was almost as if we were in the Twilight Zone and I was watching from the living room, unable to look away from the craziness that was my life. “You look hot, Jess.” Alyssa grinned as she took in my short black dress and brought me lipstick. “What a nice birthday present for Pierce.” “What’s a nice birthday present for Pierce?” I asked her curiously. “You, of course.” She grinned as she winked at me. “Tonight is going to be hot, right?” “What are you talking about?” I frowned at her. “You are wearing your sexy underwear.” She winked at me again. “What?” “Girl, you’re wearing a thong.” She laughed. “You only wear that when you’re going to get laid.” “That’s not true.” I shook my head, though that was a lie. I never wore thongs. I hated the feeling. I only wore them to feel sexy. I only wore them if I thought that there was a probability that I was going to get laid. Though I had no plans to sleep with Pierce that evening, or anyone else really. I mean, it’s not like I could sleep with anyone else the night of Pierce’s birthday party. Not that I had anyone in mind, of course. “Jess, who do you think you’re lying to?” Alyssa grinned at me. “I know my thongs from my granny panties; I’m not a guy.”

“Alyssa.” I rolled my eyes and then looked down at her in her red dress. “Are you wearing any panties?” I asked her incredulously. “Haha, you have to ask?” She started laughing. “Amateur.” “Why are you wearing no panties, Alyssa?” I asked her, not sure why I was feeling shocked. “Because I’m hoping tonight is going to be a lucky night for me.” “A lucky night?” I repeated. “Who knows, right? I mean, you never know. Pierce is hot and you’ve already said that his one friend is hot, right?” “Evan?” My stomach started churning. Was she going to try and hookup with Evan? “Yeah, so if he has one hot friend, I’m sure he’s got others. Hot guys run in posses.” She stuck her tongue out at me and my stomach sank. Was she really talking about other guys or was she thinking of Evan? Had I played him up too much? Oh, my God, what was I going to do if Alyssa and Evan hooked up? I could feel the jealousy in my stomach already. I wasn’t sure why I was feeling so uncomfortable already. It wasn’t like Evan and I had anything. And I knew he wouldn’t turn down Alyssa. I mean, what guy would? She was gorgeous. And she wasn’t wearing any panties. She didn’t play games. If a guy wanted to get laid, she would be down. And I knew she would be down for Evan. Who wouldn’t be down for Evan? He was hot as hell. “Uhm, sure,” I said weakly, wondering if it had been such a good idea to invite Alyssa after all. If she ended up hooking up with Evan, I was going to be very upset. Upset and pissed. I wasn’t sure I’d be so upset if she hooked up with Pierce, and I wasn’t sure what that said about me. I had a feeling that the night was going to be a hot mess and I wasn’t sure how I was going to prevent that from happening. “You don’t mind if I hookup with one of his friends, do you? That won’t be awkward, will it?” “You can do what you want, Alyssa.” I shrugged. “You’re your own woman.” “Jess.” She paused and grabbed my shoulders. “What’s going on? Your face looks like you want to kill me.” “I don’t want to kill you.” I glared at her. “What are you talking about?” “Jess. I know you better than you know yourself. You’re my best friend.” Alyssa sighed. “And right now, I can tell that you’re not happy.” “I’m fine.” “Jess, tell me what’s going on.” “Nothing is going on.” “We’re not leaving this house until you tell me what’s going on.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the couch. “What’s wrong?” “Alyssa, there’s nothing wrong.” I sighed as I sat down and closed my eyes. “Nothing.” “That sure didn’t sound like nothing.” Her voice was soft. “Talk to me, Jess.” “Alyssa, I just don’t know what to think or feel anymore. I feel like I’m obsessed or bewitched or something and it makes no sense.”

“Bewitched by what?” She frowned. “Evan,” I said softly, not wanting to admit it to her, not even wanting to admit it to myself. “Pierce’s friend?” She blinked at me. “You really like him, huh?” “I don’t know him well enough to say I like him.” I sighed. “I don’t know what it is, I don’t know why I feel this way. I just can’t stop thinking about him and wondering what it would be like to be with him.” “Be with him?” Her eyes widened. “As in a sexual nature?” “Yes, Alyssa.” I laughed. “As in a sexual nature.” I groaned. “Oh, my God, I suck. What’s my problem?” “I think you can’t help who you’re interested in and this Evan seems like quite the guy.” “Ugh, he’s not a good guy. He seems like a player.” I groaned. “And I just don’t know why I’m so attracted to him. It’s not as if Pierce isn’t attractive as well.” “But if you’re not as attracted to him…” “Ugh, I don’t even know. What the hell am I doing?” I buried my face in my hands. “I really suck. This really sucks. I don’t even want to go tonight. You know his mom is going to be there and seems to think we have some sort of serious relationship. And what if his dad is there as well? What if they think we’re really tight and then they see me with Evan, and he tries to flirt or touch me or something?” “Do you want me to flirt with Evan, then? Distract him?” “No,” I almost shouted, and her eyes widened. “Oh, shit, you’re really into this Evan, aren’t you?” “It’s a mess.” I nodded and groaned again. “What am I going to do?” “Ignore him as best as you can.” She laughed. “And I will do the same.” “Oh, Alyssa, what am I doing? And how did I get so lucky to get a best friend like you?” “You have a best friend like me because you’re awesome.” “I know.” I grinned at her. “But you’re even more awesome.” “Is there such a thing?” She winked at me and we both started laughing. “I don’t know. Perhaps?” I giggled and grabbed her hands. “Thanks for making me feel better about all of this. I feel like a fool for being jealous of you possibly flirting with Evan. What’s wrong with me?” “There’s nothing wrong with you,” she said, and we both knew that was only partially true. I have to admit that I’m not quite as innocent as I would lead you to believe. I am mean in real life—I am. It’s hard not to be if you’re as shy and insecure as I am. Alyssa doesn’t always believe me when I say I feel uncomfortable in those types of situations. I think it’s because on the outside I pretend I’m more confident than I am. I can fake it quite well. That’s because I don’t want to be a sad case. My parents raised me to be strong. My dad was in the Army and so he was pretty closed off, and my mom… well, she just wasn’t very good with expressing feelings. So I grew up keeping everything inside. And when I say everything, I mean everything: feelings, emotions, wants, needs. Some might say I’m sexually

repressed. I’ve always had fantasies and thoughts about different things and scenarios I’d like to be in, but I’ve never acted on them. I certainly never thought any of them would come true. And I can’t say that I’ve ever wanted to sleep with a boyfriend’s friend before. Especially one like Evan. I think though, that Evan was the only sort of guy I would ever really find myself in such a situation with. The things I despised about him were the things that drew me to him. He was condescending, rude, egotistical, narcissistic—everything I didn’t want in a man. And it wasn’t as if he wanted me for anything real. But there was something about him that drew me to him and it wasn’t just his looks. I can’t even really explain it. But it was the very things that turned me off of him that drew me to him. I’d always found myself attracted to the guys that I shouldn’t have or want. There was something about getting attention from bad boys that made me feel more alive than at other times. It was like my body craved the unknown, the dark, the devious. I can’t even explain it. It’s not what I want in a relationship. It’s not what I want in a romance, yet I can’t stop myself. “We both know I’ve got issues.” “We’ve all got issues.” She looked me in the eyes. “Don’t think that your issues define you or that you can’t get over them.” “I just don’t want to be this person, Alyssa. I don’t want to keep seeking out these guys who aren’t good for me. It’s not healthy and I just don’t want to keep going down this road.” “Jess…” Alyssa gave me a small smile. “Let’s be real here. You didn’t seek out Evan. In fact, you’re not even dating Evan. I wouldn’t be so down on yourself.” “You don’t think I’m crazy for feeling jealous that you might hookup with him tonight at a birthday party for a different guy I’m meant to be dating?” “How do you want me to answer that?” She laughed. “Yes? No? I don’t know this Evan, but I know what it’s like to be irrationally jealous. Maybe not this exact situation, but I’ve been in similar situations that are crazy.” “Should I break up with Pierce?” I asked her, wanting her to tell me what to do. Then I groaned. “Is it crazy that I don’t even feel like I’m actually dating him?” “Well, I’ve never heard of a boyfriend and a girlfriend not having sex.” Alyssa grinned at me wickedly. “But what do I know?” “Nothing.” I laughed. “Absolutely nothing.” “Exactly.” She laughed. “Let’s go and have fun. And if you end up breaking up with Pierce tonight, then who cares? Life’s too short to be with someone you don’t want to be with.” Her expression changed and she looked at me seriously. She grabbed my hands and then took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m going to be serious here for a few seconds.” “Uh-oh.” I made a face and giggled, but her expression didn’t change. “I want to tell you something,” she said and continued looking into my eyes. “Seriously now.” “Serious?” My stomach churned. “Am I going to cry?” “You’d better not.” She shook her head and took a deep breath. “We’ve been best friends for a long time, Jess. And I know you better than I think anyone does, and you know me better than I think

anyone does, and we’re always here for each other. I know—and let me speak before you try and interrupt me—I know that your dad has kinda messed with how you react and deal with men. I know because my dad was unemotional too and that has affected me as well, but in a different way. I know we have our issues, emotional, and sensitive and hard to understand. But I want you to know how special you are and how you’re one of the best people I know. You’re seriously one of the best people I know and I hate to see you in such self-doubt. You think about others so much and always before yourself, but sometimes you need to think of yourself first. Seriously, you can’t always avoid hurting someone in life. That’s just how life goes. And guys… well, guys are complicated. Life is complicated. Love is complicated. That’s just how it goes. And it’s complicated for all of us. Don’t beat yourself up. No matter what happens. You’re great and no matter what happens, I will always be here for you. I will always have your back. You do what you need to do. I don’t care if it’s something crazy, something scandalous, something that you’ll look back on in ten years and say ‘oh, my God.’ I will always be here for you. I’m your ride or die. I will always love you. I will always have your back. You can always tell me anything. Anything. If you fucking kill someone, you can tell me. I will always be here for you. Through boyfriends, husbands, kids, grandkids, through frigging death, you hear me? I will always be your best friend. You can always tell me anything.” She squeezed my hands. “Don’t ever doubt yourself or worry about what you’re thinking or feeling. Or ever doubt you can tell me anything. You hear me?” She took a deep breath. “Wow, that was a lot.” She looked me in the eyes. “But I hope it all came through.” “I love you, Alyssa.” I bit down on my lower lip. “You know what to say to make me feel better, every single time. How do you know how to do that?” “’Cause I’m your platonic soul mate.” She gave me a small smile. “And you’ve been there for me so many times in the past. And you’ve always known how to make me feel better. I want you to know that you don’t always have to be the rock. I can be the rock as well. I can be your rock. I’m your rock.” “I know, girl. You’re my rock.” “I’m solid as a rock.” She laughed. “Solid as a rock,” I sang and she sang along with me. “Solid as a rock.” “Let’s do this,” I said and jumped up. “Let’s go and get drunk and just have a great night. We got this.” “You sure? We don’t have to go.” “Don’t you want to see Evan? The guy who has me in knots? Who I barely even know?” “Are you joking?” She laughed. “I’ve been dying to see Evan since you started talking about him.” “Haha, I bet. Let’s have some shots before we go. I think I need to show up a little buzzed.” “I thought you’d never suggest them.” She grinned. “Vodka or tequila?” “Both.” I grinned back at her. “We need to get super drunk. Well, not super drunk, but I can’t show up sober.” “Me either.” She laughed. “I won’t be on top of my game if I’m sober.”

“You’re always on top of your game.” I laughed. “That’s true.” She nodded. “That’s one of my talents. I had to have one.” “You have more than one.” “Yeah, true. The other one is making badass shots,” she said as she poured a healthy dose of alcohol into two regular glasses.” “Alyssa, those are not shot glasses.” “Oops,” she said with a giggle and passed me a glass. “Let’s get drunk, baby.” “Here’s to bad decisions.” I giggled too as I sipped the vodka. “Oh, my God, what am I saying?” “What we’re both thinking,” she said with a smile. “Bad decisions and regrets in the morning.” “I don’t want any regrets in the morning,” I said and then winked at her. “Well, there’s one regret I wouldn’t mind.” “Oh, Jess.” She laughed. “Tonight is going to be interesting.” “Yeah, it will be.” I laughed. “Oh, my God, what am I saying?” “It doesn’t matter what you say, it’s all about what you do. Or who you do.” She sipped her vodka. “And I have a feeling you’ll be doing someone tonight.” “Alyssa!” I gasped. “What?” She said with a wink. “There’s no way,” I said. But of course she was right. Alyssa was always right. I mean, it wasn’t like I didn’t kind of see it coming. I knew I had to make a decision. I just didn’t think it would go down as it did. I mean, who really expects for crazy to be that crazy? I certainly didn’t expect my crazy to be so crazy. I mean, there’s crazy and then there is crazy with a capital C. I didn’t expect my crazy to be Guinness World Records crazy. I should have known, though. My gut told me that there was something slightly off in the whole situation. I just couldn’t have known how off everything was.

CHAPTER 9

J ess T HERE’S a moment in life that’s the pivotal moment. Some might say that there are many pivotal moments. Some may say that, but I believe that there is one pivotal moment that’s more important than all the other moments. One moment that will impact your life forever. It sounds kind of crazy, if you think about it. One moment that can change everything in your life. One moment that can mean your life is going to go in one direction or another. The craziest part is that you never know when you’re going to have that moment. There are many moments that seem like they might be that moment. There are moments that seem like they might be big in the grand scheme of things, but then they happen and they just aren’t as big as you thought they were going to be. However, this moment, this moment in my life is crazy big and not in the way you would have imagined. Alyssa and I arrived at Pierce’s place about an hour after the party had started. I think that he’d been slightly upset that I wasn’t there when the party had started, but I really hadn’t wanted to be there right at the beginning. I didn’t want to be greeting his friends and family like we were something really special. I mean, I knew I had to be a good girlfriend, but I also couldn't pretend we were in a place that we weren’t in. Normally it was the girl who was trying to push things too fast, but it seemed to me that Pierce was acting like the girl, and it had unnerved me. I wasn’t sure why he’d grown so attached to me so quickly. And part of me could only assume it was because of the challenge I presented to him. The no-sex thing was obviously getting to him. The funny part was that I wasn’t holding out on him because I wanted him to be more serious about me. This wasn’t a game. A part of me thought I should just sleep with him and then see what happened. I was pretty sure that he’d be done with me faster than I could blink if I slept with him and, surprisingly, that didn’t have me worried or concerned. “Mom, I want you to meet Jess,” Pierce said, introducing me to his mother confidently, and her adoring look at him and the benevolent look at me told me all I needed to know. Pierce was a momma’s boy, which I wouldn’t have guessed, at least based on our first meeting. Actually, I never would have guessed at any facets of his personality based on our first meeting. I guess first

impressions aren’t always what they seem. “So nice to meet you, Jess.” His mom gazed at me with a huge smile and then went in for a hug, which I wasn’t expecting. I gave her a small hug back and she just looked me over. “You’re even prettier in person than I thought you’d be.” She gave me an approving nod and then looked at Pierce. “I knew you’d make a good decision when you finally decided on a serious girlfriend.” I have to admit that my heart started thudding then and not in a good way. The only reason why I didn’t just straight up leave the party then was because: 1. I was already drunk; 2. It looked like Alyssa was having fun; and 3. I was still hoping to see Evan. And yes, I was casually looking around the apartment to see if I could see him, even as Pierce’s mom was grinning at me. Yes, I suck. I don’t deny that. I really and truly suck. Pierce deserved someone better than me; though if I’m honest, our relationship wasn’t really built on anything. Technically, we didn’t even really have a real relationship. I don’t know if I’m just trying to make excuses or what, but I seriously don’t think we are that serious. Especially for the way his mom was going on. It just seemed kind of off to me. But, yeah, I knew that something was off before the party, so I should have said something before it all went down. But we both know that I didn’t say anything, so the fallout that came was really all my fault. I knew as soon as Evan entered the apartment. The air changed and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck rising. I hadn’t even seen him, or heard him. I just knew he was there. It was some sort of sixth sense. I guess you could call it my Evan-sense. My Evan-sense was in full swing that night. And, boy, was it a night. It was the night that changed everything.

CHAPTER 10

E van T HE FIRST THING I did when I walked into the apartment was look for Jess. I'd timed my arrival to the party to ensure she'd be there first. My heart stilled as I saw her standing there next to Pierce and Linda, looking sexy as hell in her short black dress. I wasn’t sure if she had dressed up for me, but all I could think about was how hot she’d look if she weren’t wearing the dress. I wasn’t even really sure why I’d come or what I was hoping to accomplish by being here. I knew I was playing with fire. Jess was Pierce’s girl and by all accounts, he was fairly serious about her. Much more serious than he’d ever been about any girl before. It surprised me, as Jess wasn’t the sort of girl that I would have thought he’d want to be with. She wasn’t his usual type. He usually went for tall skinny blondes, and that wasn’t Jess. She was about five foot six, curvy with long dark hair and big brown eyes that flashed fire when she was upset. Which she was frequently at me. Which I liked. Just thinking about what a spitfire she was turned me on. I wondered if she had such extreme reactions in the bedroom as well. I knew the second that Jess realized I was there because I saw her turn around and her eyes found mine. She gazed at me for a brief second and almost gave me a small smile before she turned away abruptly. I resisted the urge to go straight to her. I had to take it cool. It wouldn’t do if I showed my hand so soon in the evening. I really shouldn’t show my hand at all, though I wasn’t sure that I would be able to resist. Not if I was around her for too long. I never expected to fall for Jess. With her smart mouth and awkward smile, she wasn't the girl I thought she was at first. Her eyes, when she looked at me, cast her uncertainty out into the room and I always felt myself pausing for a few seconds before continuing to tease her. I couldn't stop myself. I loved to watch her reactions to what I said, loved to see her eyes narrowing as she glared, and the way she nervously licked her lips when she thought I wasn't looking. Jess was a complication I hadn't counted on. At first it had been a game, but very quickly it had turned into something different. I couldn't get her off my mind. I asked Pierce all the time—though very casually—if she was going to be coming around, and I knew I was playing with fire. But he never suspected anything. Why would

he? He would never expect to be betrayed like that. Especially from me. “Evan, how you doing, man?” Braydon, one of Pierce’s best friends approached me and gave me a hug. “How are you, Braydon?” I asked him with a small smile, having to neglect my thoughts of Jess for a few minutes. “Good. I haven’t seen you in a while. Pierce told me you were in town. Thinking of moving here?” “Yeah, I’m thinking of moving back.” I nodded. “How are you? How are your parents?” “They’re good. I think they’re going to move to Florida.” He made a face. “Sunshine State and all that.” “Sure.” I nodded again. “Good for them. Your dad can golf all day then.” “Yeah, something like that.” He laughed and turned around. “I’m surprised you came, with Linda here.” “Really?” I laughed and thought quickly of something else to say as I wanted to change the subject. “Have you met Jess?” I asked him, almost groaning. She was the last person I wanted to be talking about. “Jess?” Braydon paused and then shook his head. “Oh. That’s Pierce’s new girlfriend, right?” “Yeah.” I nodded, wondering exactly what Pierce was telling everyone about Jess and exactly how serious he was about her. I couldn’t imagine he was super serious about her, seeing as they had just started dating, but you never knew with Pierce. He was one of the most unpredictable people I knew and had always been that way. He was a contrary character, though not a lot of people realized that. “She’s very nice.” “Yeah, that’s what he said.” Braydon nodded and looked over at her. “He met her in some nightclub, I think. I bet she must be good in bed.” “I don’t know that they’ve slept together,” I said, annoyed at his assumption, and wondered what I would do if I found out that they had and how irrational that would be of me to be upset if I found out that Pierce had slept with his girlfriend. I was too old for this shit. “Oh, of course they’ve banged.” Braydon gave me a look. “This is Pierce we’re talking about. There’s no way that he wouldn’t have slept with her as yet. They’ve been dating for a while and she’s all up by his side on his birthday. Pierce would never have that happening if he wasn’t hitting that.” “I see.” I looked into Braydon’s sparkling blue eyes and stared at his huge grin and wondered what it was about young guys and being crude. “Yeah, man. What about you? Got any nice chicas?” “No chicas here.” I shook my head. “You?” “You know.” He laughed. “I’ve got a few here and a few there.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me. “But I’m always down for more.” “Yeah, I’m sure you are.” I laughed along with him, wanting to turn around and look at Jess and see what she was doing, but not wanting to call attention to myself, or the fact that I was interested in

what she was doing. “So what else is good, man?” Braydon spoke to me, but I could see his eyes on a blonde who was dancing by herself in the corner of the room with a glass of something in her hands. “Not much. Same old, same old,” I said and looked at the girl, who seemed to be very intoxicated as she danced around. “Jess,” she called out loudly, and I froze. “Jess, come and dance with me.” She looked over to Jess and I realized that this must be her friend Alyssa that she’d mentioned several times. “Just a sec,” Jess responded and I saw her giving Pierce a look and a quick touch on the back before heading over to her friend. I wanted to go over and join them. Wanted to pull Jess into my arms, ask her if she preferred it rough or gentle and if she could go all night long. I wanted to see her face going red. I wanted to make her squirm. I wanted to hear her calling me dirty or obnoxious or annoying in that way that told me that as much as she hated it, she loved it as well. I so badly wanted to touch her. I wasn’t sure why I felt this attraction to her, wasn’t sure what it was that made me want to play with fire so much. I knew that what I was doing was wrong. I knew that there was serious potential for everything to blow up in my face. And I knew that if that happened, it would be all my fault. I knew that Jess would come off badly as well, but not as badly as me. And all I could think was, would it be worth it? For either of us? That, I didn’t know. Was hot sex worth it? I’d found in my life that sex itself wasn’t worth any drama, but this seemed like it was more than sex. It seemed like this had potential to be more. I wasn’t sure exactly what more, but I was interested in finding out. I just wasn’t sure that I’d ever have a chance. “Shit, that blond chick is sexy as hell,” Braydon said, his eyes almost bugging out of his head as he continued to watch Alyssa dancing, her body moving in sensual rhythm to the music that was pounding throughout the apartment. I could tell by the way she was dancing that Alyssa knew exactly what she was doing and that she was hoping for as much male attention as she could get. The look on her face and the way her lips were curved up told me that she knew that every single—and not single —guy was watching her as she flitted around. Well, all the single guys but me. My eyes were on Jess and only Jess. Sexy, beautiful Jess. “Why don’t you go over and talk to her?” I asked him with a small smile. “I’ll come with you if you need a wingman.” “You think I should?” he asked, not really needing to be convinced. “Yeah, man. I think she’s been looking at you,” I lied. “She’s probably waiting for you to come over right now.” “Then I shouldn’t disappoint her.” He took some large gulps of his beer and then put the bottle down on the ground. “Okay, I’m ready. Let me show blondie who’s the boss.” “Yeah, you do that, Braydon,” I said and gave him a small nod, trying not to roll my eyes. “Let’s go.” He gave me an assertive look and headed towards the corner, where Alyssa and Jess were gyrating to the music. I followed behind him, trying to act nonchalant as we approached the two girls. “Hey, wassup,” Braydon said as he stopped next to Alyssa and I tried again not to roll my eyes.

He had absolutely no game. But that wasn’t my problem. “Hello.” Alyssa looked him over and I could tell from the expression on her face that she was pleased with what she saw. Obviously she had no discerning taste. Not that I cared. “Hello, I’m Evan,” I said, reaching my hand out to introduce myself to her. “Hello, Evan,” she said and I saw her giving Jess a quick look before looking back at me. Interesting, I thought to myself. It seemed that Jess had mentioned me to Alyssa, if that look was anything to go by. “I’m Alyssa.” “Nice to meet you, Alyssa,” I said as I shook her hand. I looked over at Jess and gave her a nod. “Jess, good to see you again.” “Uh huh,” she said, her eyes narrowed. “Is that all I get in response?” I asked her with a small smile. “No ‘nice to see you again too, Evan’?” “I don’t like to lie.” “Really? You can’t even fake it for me?” “Why would I want to do that?” She cocked her head to the side and gave me a small smile as she swayed back and forth. “No reason.” I wanted to wipe that smile off her face by shocking her with a huge kiss or something equally decadent, but I knew I couldn’t do that and call it off as a joke. No one would be cool with me smooching Jess at this moment. And I couldn’t risk getting thrown out of the party, not yet. There was no good explanation for me getting close to her and I knew it. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to attempt something with her. Very badly. “So, had any fun dates with Squirrel recently?” I asked her with a small smile. “Any cleanup duty?” “No.” Her eyes narrowed at me. “What about you? You seem like you’d be good with the shit.” “Why do you say that?” “Maybe because you’re full of it,” she said under her breath and her eyes flashed at me briefly. I gave her a huge smile in return and she flushed. I looked over at Braydon and was surprised to see that he was dancing with Alyssa and she had her arms wrapped around his neck. “Your friend isn’t shy, is she?” I said to Jess, and she looked over at Alyssa. I saw her eyes widening, but she didn’t look shocked. Interesting. “Do you care?” She paused as she looked back at me. “Sad you missed out?” “Who, me? Nah.” I looked down at her. “I know what I want.” “I see.” She licked her lips nervously and looked away from me. “What’s wrong, Jess?” I asked her softly. “Nothing.” She frowned. “Why do you think something is wrong?” “I don’t know,” I said. “You just look out of sorts.” Her fingers started playing with her long dark hair then and I watched as she paced back and forth nervously. “I don’t make you uncomfortable, do I, Jess?”

“No.” She swallowed and I saw her looking away again. I grinned. This was like taking candy from a baby. She was so into me, it wasn’t funny. And while a part of me was excited about the fact that I was pretty confident she was into me, I felt a little hesitant. I knew that by pursuing her I was going to be making everything awkward for all of us. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that. What would happen if I had my wicked way with her? Would she hate me afterwards? And what would that mean to my relationship with Pierce? We’d only recently reconnected and I wasn’t sure this was the right way to make sure that everything was going to be kosher. However, I wasn’t sure I could continue fighting my attraction to Jess. There was just something about her that felt so compelling and attractive. And it wasn’t just about her beauty. It had to do with the furtive glances she gave me when she thought I wasn’t looking. It had to do with the way she ran the tip of her tongue along her lips nervously, wetting them. The way she applied her lip-gloss slowly, delicately, carefully, making me wish it was me gliding across her lips. It had to do with the way her eyes flashed at me when she was mad. The way the words tripped off her lips in a mad, annoyed way, yet they were so carefully chosen. There was something about her energy. Something in the way she moved. Something that captivated me more than I’d ever been captivated before. A part of me was scared by that fact, but the other part of me wanted to pursue it, wanted to see where it could go. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be in her. I wanted her. “There you are.” I heard Pierce’s voice behind me and I froze for a second. “Jess, I have some friends I’d like you to meet.” “I was just dancing with Alyssa and then Evan came and joined me,” Jess explained quickly, sounding guilty, though I wasn’t sure why she did. It wasn’t like we’d done anything. “Oh, hey.” Pierce reached over and hugged me. “I didn’t even see you come in. So happy that you made it.” “Wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” I replied and it was my turn to feel guilty. What sort of person was I? “Happy Birthday.” “Mom is here and she’s going crazy, still trying to plan everything.” Pierce rolled his eyes. “I told her the party is already half over, what’s working is already working and what’s going to fail can’t be stopped right now.” “Yeah.” I nodded and laughed. “I’m sure she didn’t listen, though. You know your mom.” “Yeah.” He laughed again. “She’s still running around, trying to fix things that don’t need to be fixed.” He turned to Jess then and rubbed her back. “She really likes you, though.” He gave her a huge grin. “She thinks you’re a great girl.” “Oh, thanks,” Jess said softly, and I could tell from her response that she wasn’t as enthusiastic as Pierce was by that fact. “Yeah, I told her that we could go to brunch tomorrow. That’s cool, right?” “I guess so.” She nodded. “I was thinking Ethiopian food,” he continued, and I saw her eyes darting to his face with a shocked look.

“You’re joking, right?” She gave him a half smile, a worried look on her face. “No, why would I be joking?” He looked at her in confusion. “Ethiopian?” she said with a frown. “Yeah?” He cocked his head and I wanted to laugh. Even I knew by this point that Jess hated Ethiopian food. It was sad that Pierce still didn’t remember, but I think it was part of the reason why I felt it was okay to continue my pursuit of Jess. I wasn’t sure what game he was playing with her, but something was off in this situation. It didn’t seem to me that he was really interested in her. He couldn’t have been that interested if he didn’t even remember that she hated Ethiopian food. “Nothing.” She sighed and just looked away. “It doesn’t even matter.” “Okay.” He shrugged. “You wanna come with us too, Evan?” “I’m not sure that that would be a good idea.” I shook my head. That sounded like torture to me. No, thank you. “Jess, come with me.” He grabbed her hand and gave me a quick look. “Excuse us, I want her to meet some more of my friends,” he said and I watched as they hurried across to the other side of the room and towards a group of guys and girls who looked slightly familiar. I could see one redhead in particular who was glaring at them both and something about the way Pierce was looking at her made me think that this woman might be another clue in the puzzle that was Jess and Pierce’s relationship. The redhead touched his arm softly and I noticed that she was looking at him coyly and giving Jess small glares, which Jess didn’t seem to recognize. It made me wonder what relationship the redhead and Pierce had had in the past. It was obviously something more than platonic. And if the way Pierce was standing close to both the redhead and Jess was any indication, it seemed to me that Pierce was trying to play some sort of game with both of these women, which made me feel a whole lot differently about how guilty I would feel about pursuing Jess for myself. If he was being shady and didn’t have good intentions towards Jess, this was a very different situation. I left Alyssa and Braydon and walked over to the side of the room to get a drink and to think. I had some decisions to make about what I was going to do. Tonight was the night for me to make a huge move or just walk away and let everything go. I took a shot of bourbon, and then a second one and looked back over at Jess and Pierce and the way his arm was around her waist possessively. I knew in that instant that I already knew what decision I was going to make. Not that there had really been any other option. Not with the way I was currently feeling. I just had to make it happen.

CHAPTER 11

E van IT WAS midnight and I could hear someone walking around the living room. Normally I wouldn’t have paid much attention, but curiosity got the better of me. I wanted to know if it was Jess, and if it was, what she was doing up. I wondered if she was thinking of me and if she was as restless as I was. I couldn’t sleep at all. I was invaded with thoughts of her and the constant flirting we’d done all night. All I could think about was her and if she was as curious about what I was thinking as I was. Did she wonder what would have happened between us if she hadn’t met Pierce first? I knew I certainly thought about it. But I didn’t know if she would have even paid attention to me if she’d met me in a different setting. She likely wouldn’t have even given me the time of day if I’d approached her at the club. Though I’m not sure that would have stopped me. She was someone I’d have taken a chance with if I’d had the opportunity. Though, it would have been a much different situation. The situation we were in now, though not ideal, somehow made it even more exciting. Even though it shouldn’t have. I knew that it was kind of sick, this game I was playing, but I couldn’t stop myself. I jumped out of my bed and headed towards the kitchen, with the pretense of needing to get a glass of water, which wasn’t exactly a lie, based on all the alcohol I’d consumed at the party. I looked down at my boxers and debated putting on a T-shirt, but decided against it. I walked to the kitchen quickly, my heart racing, wondering who I was going to see. I felt the grin crossing my face as I saw Jess’s figure in the kitchen with her back to me. I walked up behind her softly, wanting to surprise her and see how she was going to react. I stopped behind her and grabbed her around the waist and pushed myself into her. She yelped slightly at my touch. “Hey, honey,” I said softly and whispered into her ear. This was the moment I’d been waiting for. I hadn’t been able to say much else to her at the party and it had driven me crazy. I’d been hoping all night that I would be able to see her alone and that I’d get to tease her and torment her. I hadn’t been given the opportunity at the party, but I was being given the opportunity now. “Evan.” She gasped, not moving away from me. “Yes, Jess,” I said, running my fingers gently across her stomach and feeling myself growing

hard against her ass. I pushed myself into her a little firmer so she could see exactly how she was affecting me. I wasn’t going to hold anything back in this moment. She needed to know exactly how I felt. And I needed to know if this was going to be more than a game or not. Had she gotten up to get a glass of water because she wanted this moment to happen, or was this merely a coincidence? Every part of me believed that this was because she wanted to be with me and this was how she was making her move, but I needed to find out if that was true or not. “What are you doing?” She gasped again, yet she didn’t move. “Exactly what you want me to do,” I muttered, voice deep with raw, unbridled passion. I just wanted to bend her over and take her, but I knew that would be way too much right now. Though a part of me thought that she would enjoy it. “What are you talking about?” she said and I could feel her body trembling against me. I moved my fingers farther up her stomach and paused them right underneath her breasts. “What do you think, sexy?” I groaned against her. “I want to fuck you.” “Evan.” She sounded shocked and it was at that point that she pushed away from me and stepped to the side. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” She gasped, her eyes flashing at me furiously. “I already told you,” I said with a grin, licking my lips. “Do you have a problem with that?” “Of course I have a problem with that. How dare you talk to me like that?” “Talk to you like what?” I pretended to look confused, but I couldn’t stop myself from smiling as I looked at her hard nipples protruding from her nightgown. “You’re a pig.” She shook her head and made to move past me. “Where are you going?” I asked, feeling disappointed that she was going to leave the kitchen. “I’m going back to bed.” She shook her head at me, uncertainty in her voice. “Pierce will be wondering where I am.” “He’s fast asleep.” I tried not to sound aggravated. I didn’t want to hear about Pierce right now. I didn’t want to feel guilty and I didn’t want her to be thinking of him either. The one good thing was that I was pretty confident that they hadn’t had sex because he’d been ready to pass out before the party had even ended. Not that that should have been a good thing for me. I was going to hell and I knew it. I figured I might as well enjoy the ride there. “What do you want from me, Evan?” She bit down on her lower lip and I wanted to lean over and kiss her. “You know what I want.” “No, I don’t” “Yes, you do.” I stared at her and stopped smiling. “You know what I want because you want it too.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She made a face at me. “Yes, you do, and you know how I know?” “How?” She rolled her eyes but I could see her starting to look nervously at me as she fidgeted.

“I know because you’re still here with me,” I said matter-of-factly. “If you had absolutely no interest, you would have fled from the kitchen as soon as I entered and put my arms around your waist.” “Evan, I don’t know what you want me to say.” She looked at my chest for a few seconds and I winked at her when she looked back up into my eyes. “Just say you’re as intrigued by me as I am by you.” I moved closer to her and stopped right before I was touching her again. “I don’t know what you’re thinking.” She made a face. “You know what I’m thinking. You know what I want.” “But I’m dating your friend.” She almost moaned, turning me on even more. I wondered how loudly she would scream when I slammed into her. “My friend?” I repeated after her and almost laughed at her words. So her hesitancy wasn’t because she knew the truth. Interesting. I knew now was not the time to tell her everything she didn’t know. “I think you’re not such a good friend to Pierce for coming on to me so much.” She pushed her hands against my chest as if she wanted to push me away, but there was no force to her movement. I almost laughed, but this was too serious of a moment. I wanted to know what was going through her head. I wanted to know exactly what she was thinking and what her hesitancies were. Did she crave me as much as I was craving her? “I guess I’m not.” I took a step closer to her and this time our bodies were brushing against each other. “I think we both know that already.” I grabbed her hands and pulled them to the side, entwining them with mine. “So why are you still here?” she said, her eyes widening as I pushed my face closer to hers. “Because we both know what we want,” I said, my lips pressing down on hers softly. Her lips trembled beneath mine, but she kissed me back, even though it was a little hesitantly. I deepened the kiss and pulled her into me, hard. Her arms crept around my neck and she started playing with my hair. I took that as an invitation to deepen the kiss further and pushed my tongue into her mouth and immediately started sucking on her tongue. She tasted sweet and faintly of vodka. Her body was warm against mine and her breasts felt soft against the hardness of my chest. Her fingers ran across my head and scratched against my shorn head and I reached down and grabbed her ass, squeezed and then pushed her in even farther towards me, so she could see exactly what she was doing to me. She gasped loudly as I gyrated my hardness against her. “Wrap your legs around my waist,” I urged her, wanting to feel her closer to me, wanting to be inside of her as intimately as possible. “No.” She shook her head, though she didn’t pull away from me. “I need to be inside of you, Jess.” “Evan…” she mumbled against my lips. Her fingers were now on my back, running up and down, driving me crazy.

“Jess, please.” “We can’t do this, Evan.” “You know you want me. You don’t want Pierce. Let’s be real.” “Evan, this isn’t right.” She groaned as my right hand crept up to her breast and squeezed, my fingertips running across her nipple, pinching gently and then a little rougher. I enjoyed the way she moaned and reacted to my touch. Her body arched towards me as her breast pushed into my hand, wanting to be caressed further. “If it isn’t right, why does it feel so good?” I mumbled as I kissed her neck and collarbone. She moaned in pleasure, and a part of me wanted to reach down to see if she was wet, but I didn’t want to scare her and move too fast. Though it took everything in me not to reach down and touch her, rub her, enter her with my fingers. “Evan, we shouldn’t.” She sighed as her fingers dug into my back. “What if Pierce wakes up?” “He won’t,” I said, all reason and rational thought gone from my mind. “This just doesn’t seem safe,” she said with a sigh, and I looked up at her face. “Do you want me to stop?” I asked her, pulling her in closer. “Yes. No.” She moaned. “I don’t even know.” “You don’t know?” I stepped back from her, disappointed. I wanted her to come to me in certainty, even if she was worried about Pierce. We could worry about Pierce later. Right now, I needed to know she wanted me. And if she wanted me, she had to be one hundred percent confident in that fact. I was all about games and teasing, but if we were going to be intimate, it was going to mean something really special. Or at least, if it didn’t mean something really special, it was going to be something that we both did with no regrets. “I don’t know,” she said softly, biting down on her lower lip nervously. “Liar,” I said with a mutter. I needed her to admit she wanted this—me—as badly as I wanted her. I needed her to admit it. I wasn’t sure why it mattered so much to me. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. All I knew was I really wanted her. All I knew was that this moment mattered. This was the make and break moment for me. For us. Hell be damned. I wanted Jess. And I needed to know that she wanted me as well. I needed to know this was for real. I needed to know we had some sort of connection here. I wasn’t sure why it was so important to me. It just was. “What do you want from me, Evan?” She groaned and looked into my eyes, hers looking confused and full of lust. “I don’t even understand what is going on here.” “Does there have to be anything going on here?” I asked her with a frown. “What do you want me to say?” “I don’t know what I want you to say. I just don’t think this is a good idea.” “When is anything a good idea?” I looked at her, trying to figure out exactly what it was she wanted me to say. What did she expect from me? “I just think if we do this, we’ll be complicit in something really shady.” She bit her lower lip again and I leaned over and sucked on it.

“At least we will have been complicit in something really good,” I said as I kissed her deeply and pulled her into me. “Evan…” She groaned, kissing me back hard, her fingernails digging into my back. “Jess,” I muttered as my tongue entered her mouth and she sucked on it eagerly, pushing her breasts into my chest, no longer holding back. “Oh, Jess,” I said as she wantonly ran her hands down my back and to my ass and squeezed. “You do want me, don’t you?” “Stop talking.” She moaned and I took that as my opening to continue and accelerate the pace between us. I lifted her up and placed her on the countertop, spreading her legs and leaning in and then pulling her forward so her legs were wrapped around my waist. I kissed her nose and then her forehead before heading back down to her lips and kissing them gently. Now that I knew she definitely wanted me, I wanted to go slowly, I wanted to concentrate on her pleasure, make sure this was a moment she never forgot. I wanted to make sure she knew this moment was special and not sordid. I had to make it a perfect moment because I knew the aftermath was going to be crazy. Absolutely crazy. “Let me take you to my room.” I groaned as I felt myself about to lose control. If I wasn’t careful, I’d be taking her here in the kitchen and I certainly didn’t want to do that. Not that I wouldn’t love to take her right here and now. It did seem like an appropriate place, seeing as the first time I’d seen her was in this very room. I’d love to strip her naked and take her right now, but I couldn’t risk it. Not here and now. “Should we be doing this?” She moaned as I picked her up and carried her in my arms, walking as quickly as I could before she could change her mind. “Tell me now, would you rather this be me or Pierce?” I asked her huskily, already knowing in my heart what she was going to say. “You know the answer to that,” she said as she held on to me. “Tell me,” I said as I carried her into the bedroom. “Tell me that you want me.” “I want you. I want you more than you know.” She groaned as I dropped her onto the bed and then shut the door before returning to her. “Good,” I grunted. “Now, I can teach you all the things you’ve wanted to learn but never were able to.” “Excuse me?” She blinked up at me, her body shaking as she writhed around on the bed. “You’re excused.” I grinned as I pulled off my boxer shorts and stood there naked in front of her. I watched as she looked down at my hardness and gasped, her eyes widening as she took in the size of my member. I hid a smile, knowing she was impressed by it. She was going to be even more impressed when I entered her. I couldn’t wait to hear her screams and gasps as she orgasmed, but she was going to have to be quiet as we couldn’t afford to wake up Pierce or Linda. “You’re a bad boy, Evan.” “I’m bad to the bone.” I growled as I got down on the bed next to her and started kissing her neck. “I’m so bad that I’m going to devour you right now,” I said, my hands grabbing her nightie and

pulling it up to rip it off her body. I stared down at her nakedness and felt myself growing harder as I glanced at her body trembling beneath my touch. “Evan, I don’t know if we should...” Her voice trailed off and she gasped as I bent down and kissed along her thighs. “You don’t know if we should what?” I looked up at her and grinned. “What?” Her eyes fluttered as she looked down at me. Her breasts were heaving and I reached up and played with her nipples, enjoying the way her eyes dilated and her breathing grew heavier as I teased her. “You don’t know if we should what?” I said again, and bent down and licked my tongue between her legs and lightly sucked on her bud. “Evan…” She moaned and I could feel her growing wetter. “That’s my name.” I licked again and then moved away. “Yes?” “Evan, stop playing around.” She moaned again and I could see her eyes begging me to continue playing with her. “Stop playing around?” I frowned. “I thought you just said you don’t know if we should—” “Oh, shut up.” She groaned and pushed my head back down between her legs. “Oh, so now you want me.” I laughed, loving how aggressive she was being. I knew she had it in her. “You want me.” She moaned and I heard her whimpering as I stuck my tongue inside of her and started pleasuring her. Her body convulsed beneath me as I fucked her with my tongue and I held the sides of her hips as I went as deep as I could. My cock grew harder and harder and all I wanted was to enter her and feel her on top of me, riding the shit out of me. I wanted to watch her breasts bouncing up and down and then I’d reach up and suck on her nipples and pull her hair and watch her face go wide in surprise as I gave her the biggest and best orgasm of her life. “You know it,” I muttered as I felt her coming on my face. I lapped up her juices eagerly and then I reached over to the nightstand and grabbed a condom from the drawer, ripped off the wrapper quickly and slid it onto my cock. I lowered myself down, looked into Jess’s eager face. She gave me a quick smile and nod and I entered her swiftly, loving the feeling of her pussy as it tightened around my cock. She moaned and wiggled beneath me as I slid in and out of her and I groaned as she tightened her legs around my waist. Hot damn, this girl knew exactly how to get me going. I leaned down and kissed her as I continued thrusting into her, my tongue entering her mouth as eagerly as my cock was entering her. She ran her fingers down my back, her nails scratching as she dug into my skin. I welcomed the raw passion of our bodies meeting and becoming intimate. It only seemed to make sense that we would be primal and searching in our first union. I pulled out of her and flipped her over onto her knees so I could slide into her doggy-style and fuck her fast and furious. I felt like I’d been waiting for forever to have her and as she screamed into the pillow, her ass up high, I felt myself coming into her hard and fast with no other thoughts on my mind about what was going to happen next. I certainly had no guilt about betraying Pierce. That should have told me then and there

that I was a bad person and that this was a bad situation to be in, but all I could think about was how Jess’s body felt as good as I thought it would and that she was a drug I would love to overdose on.

CHAPTER 12

J ess HOT DAMN, there's a warm body pressing into me from behind. And—whoa—I think that whoever ’s behind me is very happy I'm awake, if the hardness pushing into my butt is any indication. Shit, my eyes are blinking rapidly as I think back to the previous night. Too many cocktails. And then those glasses of wine. And the two beers. What was I thinking? Oh, shit. I froze as my mind immediately remembered him sliding into me, deep and hard. I can picture his intense eyes, his loud growls as he'd slammed into me. Oh, fuck, what had I done? "Morning, Jess," he whispered into my ear as his hand slid around to grab my breast. "Ready for round two?" He pinched my nipple and I moaned and closed my eyes. I was a horrible person. I couldn't believe I was here in bed with him. I couldn't believe we'd had sex. Shit, I couldn't believe we were going to have sex again. I was a bad, bad girl for having slept with him. But fuck it, what was the point of resisting round two when there had already been a round one? I'd pay for my sins later. What was done was done. We'd already crossed the line of no return. “I said good morning, Jess,” he said as he nibbled on my earlobe, and I squealed slightly as I turned to look at him. “Morning, Evan,” I said with a small and slightly embarrassed smile. “And it’s not really a good morning, is it? If I’m in your bed, Pierce must be wondering where I am.” I bit down on my lower lip as I thought about Pierce. “Oh, my God, what did we do?” “You mean you forgot already?” His fingers slid between my legs as he teased me. “No,” I moaned as I started to grow wet. “Evan,” I moaned his name out loud as I closed my eyes and then started to shift away from him. “We need to stop. I need to leave this bed now before you go any further.” “But I want to go a lot further.” He grunted. “I have many more things to show you.” “Evan.” I groaned and then froze as I heard a noise outside the door. For some reason my gut instinct kicked in and I slid down under the covers quickly as I heard the door opening. “Evan?” I heard Linda’s voice in the doorway and I wondered what she was doing there and if she

was trying to hookup with her son’s friend. Was everyone Pierce knew shady? “Morning, Linda,” he said with what sounded like an exasperated voice. “How can I help you?” “I thought I heard some noises,” she said suspiciously. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” “I’m fine,” he said stiffly. “I’m still in bed.” “That, I can see. So is Pierce,” she said softly. “I’m glad you guys are getting along again.” “Yes, so am I,” Evan said, and my head started spinning. Why had they fallen out previously? Had Evan slept with another one of Pierce’s girlfriends? Or had Pierce maybe slept with one of Evan’s girlfriends? Was this revenge? Was that why Evan had come after me? I could feel my naked body starting to shake as I thought of that possibility. “He’s missed his dad.” “I know,” Evan said. And I frowned, wondering what that had to do with Evan. Where was Pierce’s dad and why was he missing him? I was genuinely curious, but wasn’t sure I’d ever find out the answer to that question, seeing as I was planning on breaking up with Pierce as soon as possible. I didn’t want Pierce to think that we had anything special or anything that was going to last past this moment. I felt tremendously guilty for having slept with Evan, but I think we had both known last night that we wanted each other and boy had it been worth it. He’d been dynamite in bed. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen between us now, but I almost didn’t care. I was willing to go with the flow and see what happened. “I’ve missed you too,” Linda said, and I froze. What was she talking about? Evan had slept with Pierce’s mom as well? What was going on here? “Linda, let’s not get into this. You know we weren’t right for each other.” “Shouldn’t Pierce have his parents together again?” His parents? What? My heart stopped and I could feel my lips trembling. Oh, my God, what was going on? Evan was Pierce’s... “Hey, what’s going on, Mom?” Pierce’s voice reverberated into the room and I could feel my body shaking even more. I could feel my face flushing and my whole body growing hot. “Just talking.” “Morning, Evan,” Pierce said, and I frowned. “Why do you insist on calling him, Evan?” Linda said with an annoyed tone. “Why can’t you just call him Dad?” “It’s fine,” Evan said dryly and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears as my body grew even hotter. What the hell was going on here? Evan was Pierce’s dad? This made the whole thing even more fucked up. I told you that it was going to get crazy. I told you that I did something bad. You just didn’t know how bad it was, did you? Who sleeps with their boyfriend’s dad? The night of their birthday party? Who hides in bed with said dad as the boyfriend and mom have a conversation with him? I was going to hell on a one-way ticket and the fire was already singing my skin. Then I felt Evan’s hand reaching down to touch me and I knew he was going on that same train ride to hell. I bit down on my lower lip

to stop myself from gasping. This was the absolute worst position I had ever been in in my life and I wasn’t sure how I was going to get over it or out of it. “Mom, you know I’ve been calling him Evan since I was about thirteen years old.” Pierce sounded slightly exasperated. “You’ve never thought it was a big deal before.” “Well, I just think that now you should call him Dad.” Linda sounded annoyed. “It’s weird for you to call your dad by his first name. I certainly wouldn’t allow for you to call me Linda.” “I don’t do that though, do I, Mom?” Pierce teased his mom and I bit down on my lower lip, hoping they would leave the room soon. This could really turn into a bigger mess than it already was and I wasn’t sure what would happen if they realized I was in bed with Evan and that we were naked. My body started to tingle as I remembered what it had felt like to feel him inside of me. Oh, my gosh, I’d never had sex that good before in my life. His cock had been like magic, seeming to hit my G-spot every single time he entered me and he’d known just when to rub my clit, so that I came with such force that I thought my whole body was going to explode in orgasm. I was shivering just thinking about it. I’m not sure what came over me in that instant, but I reached my hand down to grab his cock and squeeze. I felt his body stiffening at my touch and I almost laughed as he grunted slightly. I bet he wasn’t thinking everything was so funny now. I moved my hands up and down his shaft and I felt his hand grabbing on to my wrist tightly, trying to stop me. I wanted so badly to push his hand off me, but I knew that wouldn’t be smart. I’d probably end up falling out of the bed and then I’d probably be kicked out of the apartment. Naked and embarrassed. My face was growing hot just thinking about it. That would be the walk of shame to end all walks of shame. Oh, God, what had I done? Suddenly the full realization of what I’d participated in during the night (well, really the morning before) came thundering down on me like a ton of bricks. And I knew that I was going to pay for it in one way or another.

CHAPTER 13

J ess SO NOW YOU know my dirty little secret. You might or might not be judging me right now. You might even be thinking it’s not a big deal. I mean, it’s not like I was that into Pierce and it’s not like he was a Prince Charming, right? We didn’t even really have a great relationship. And it wasn’t really my fault that I slept with his dad. I didn’t even know that was his dad at the time. I mean, up until that point, I was pretty much an innocent. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of a stretch. Maybe I wasn’t exactly an innocent. Maybe I was still pretty bad. And unfortunately, I got worse. Can you believe that? Maybe not. Maybe yes. I’m sure you want to know how it could have gotten worse. I should have just left Pierce’s place that day and never looked back. I know what you’re thinking. I know you’re judging me. Thinking this didn’t have to get worse. Thinking that I should have just left. I mean, why didn’t I? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what came over me. I have no good reason for not leaving right away. Maybe it’s because I wanted to make sure that this wasn’t just a booty-call for Evan. Maybe I wanted to make sure he felt as naughty and guilty as I did? I’m not really sure. I don’t have a good answer. When I look back at everything, I really think that I should have just darted out of the bed and out of the room as quickly as possible. That’s what a smart girl would have done. But yeah, I’m not smart. I’m not smart at all. I’m embarrassed to admit that after Linda and Pierce closed the door that morning, I had sex with Evan once again. Yes, and he had to keep his hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming loudly because he knew as well as I did that the noises I was making were bound to bring people running to the room as quickly as possible. I snuck out of Evan’s room and into the bathroom at about 9 a.m. and ran the shower right away. He didn’t even stop me, which made me feel slightly upset, but I told myself that he knew that time was of the essence and we didn’t really have time to talk about what had happened. I hopped into the shower and scrubbed my body hard. It was my hope that Pierce would think I had been in the shower the entire morning, though I knew it was a long shot. If he pushed it and asked, I would tell him that I’d been scared I was going to throw up, so I had sat by the toilet bowl. Gross, I know, but that was

really one of my only options in regards to what I could hope he would believe. It’s not like I could tell him I’d been hooking up with his dad. Oh, yeah, that would go down well. In all honesty, it worked out well for me. I came out of the shower as he and his mom were talking about breakfast and neither one of them looked suspicious or weirded out. “Morning, Jess. Sleep well?” Pierce came forward and gave me a kiss on the cheek and I just nodded at him, relief filling me that he didn’t seem suspicious of me and where I’d been all morning. “Oh, yeah, great.” I nodded with a small smile and looked at Linda to see if she was looking at me funny. However, she was beaming at me and I could tell by the expression in her eyes that she still loved me as much as she had the day before. “What about the two of you?” “Yeah, I slept great. Sorry I crashed last night.” He made a face. “Seems like it would have been a really special night.” “Don’t worry about it,” I said with a small smile, thanking God he had conked out right away. “I just hope you had a great night and enjoyed your birthday party.” “Oh, yeah, it was great.” He nodded. “Did Alyssa have fun?” he asked me and winked, and I smiled back at him weakly. “Yeah, I think so.” I nodded. “Actually, I think I need to go home now and check on her.” I pretended to look sad, though I was hoping he would buy my excuse to leave. “Oh, no.” He made a face. “I was hoping we could go to breakfast with Mom and Dad.” “You said ‘Dad.’” I looked at him in surprise and annoyance. Why was this the first time he would choose to call Evan ‘Dad’? “Yeah, Mom prefers me to call him Dad and not Evan.” He laughed. “So I’m trying to respect her wishes, at least for now.” “That’s why you’re my favorite son.” Linda beamed at him in approval. “That’s because I’m your only son.” He laughed and leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Are you sure you can’t come to breakfast with us this morning?” He looked at me and pouted. I looked back at him nervously, wondering if he would be able to tell that I’d had sex that morning just by looking at me. “I really wish I could,” I said, trying to pretend I was really upset. Though I was just counting down the minutes in my head until I could leave the apartment. “You really wish you could what?” Evan walked out of the bedroom and looked right at me and gave me a wink as he looked my body up and down. I could feel the heat rising up my body as he stared at me as if he wanted to eat me. And I hoped that he could sense that I wanted to be eating him as well. It felt oddly tantalizing just to be standing here with him and the others, in broad daylight, knowing what we’d just been doing a couple of minutes ago. “Go to brunch with Pierce and Linda,” I said, wondering if he would get jealous or upset. Hoping he would look pissed. “Oh, awesome. I’m hungry myself.” He grinned at me and then looked at Pierce and Linda. “Where are you guys thinking of going?”

My jaw nearly dropped open at his words. He was seriously asking them where they were going? Without a care in the world. Did he really think that was cool? Did he not care that we had just slept together and nearly been caught? “Sad you can’t make it, Jess, but maybe later.” “Maybe later, what?” I asked him with a frown. “Maybe we’ll see you later. If you want to come...” His voice trailed off and I stared at him with a shocked expression. I couldn’t believe he had just said that to me, in front of everyone. What was up with the innuendos? Did he want everyone to know? Did he feel no shame? Whatsoever? “Come where?” I asked him with pursed lips. “Wherever you want.” He laughed and I could see Pierce and Linda looking at us curiously. My face flushed red and I was sure it was obvious we had slept together and had something going on. “Well, you guys can let me know what you’re up to later this evening,” I said with a small smile and then I looked at Pierce and gave him a huge smile. “I hope you had a great birthday party.” “It was fantastic.” He nodded. “I had a really great time. I was so glad that you were here with me. It meant a lot to me.” “I’m so glad.” I reached over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You deserved a great day and I think that your mom is awesome.” I looked over at Linda. “Thanks for being so awesome.” “No, thank you.” She beamed at me. “You’ve been wonderful. An absolute delight. Perfection in a bottle.” “Well, thanks,” I said with a small smile, wondering why she was laying it on so strong. It wasn’t like she really knew me that well and it wasn’t like Pierce and I were that close. Or that we had been dating for a super long time. It’s not like we had any sort of long relationship. Everything about this family was a little off and I just couldn’t understand why they all seemed to have these weird reactions to things that were so small. I mean, come on now, Pierce and I barely had anything. Why was everyone acting like we were soul mates or something? It could have been flattering if I was really interested in him like that, but I just wasn’t. And sleeping with Evan had really complicated everything; well, not really. I wasn’t even sure if it had meant anything to him or if he wanted to see me again. Or if we were going to go on a real date or if he cared about me in any way. My heart thudded slightly as I thought about him and I wondered what I’d done. I was a skank, that I knew, but had I been a skank for a good reason? What was I going to get from this and was there a reason why everything seemed so weird? I didn’t have the answers then. Obviously. If I had known exactly what was going on I would have run away as quickly as possible. At least that’s what I tell myself. If I’d known exactly what was being planned. If I’d known the whole truth about the entire situation, I’d like to think I would have done the smart thing and just backed the hell away from the whole bunch of them, but who really knows? I think I’ve already proven that I’m not the smartest tool in the toolbox or at least I was willing to pretend that I didn’t see things clearly. I’m not sure who I thought I was fooling. I’m not sure why I thought I was going to get away scot-free with no remorse and no heartache. Life never works like that and it certainly didn’t work like that for me.

CHAPTER 14

J ess

“So what happened last night?” Alyssa practically jumped on me as I walked through the front door, a huge grin on her face. “How do you know something happened?” I asked her curiously, wondering if somehow word had gotten around town that I was the slut who had slept with my boyfriend’s father at his birthday party. “Because I just know.” Alyssa grinned at me and grabbed my hands. “Now tell me everything.” “There’s nothing to tell,” I said with an embarrassed look on my face. “Honestly.” “Yeah, right. You smell of sex.” “What?” I almost screamed. “Are you joking?” “Do I look like I’m joking?” She laughed and then winked. “But, no, you don’t smell of sex, Jess. But I’m guessing you did get laid.” “You’re horrible.” I groaned. “I had a shower this morning so I knew it was unlikely that I smelled like sex.” “Did you shower with anyone?” “No, why?” I looked at her curiously and she slapped her hand against her mouth. “What?” I asked her, my eyes narrowed. “You totally slept with Evan, didn’t you?” Her eyes were wide. “How do you know that?” “Because if it had been Pierce, you guys would have showered together and it wouldn’t have been a big deal for me to have asked you that question.” “Uhm, smart,” I said, and grinned at her. “But yes, I did sleep with Evan and it was pretty darn amazing.” “How amazing is amazing?” she asked with a wink. “Hold up.” I looked at her curiously. “I want to know what went down with you first.” “What do you think?” She winked at me. “You guys had sex?” “Duh.” She laughed. “In the kitchen, on the couch, in the living room, in the shower.”

“Whoa, what?” I gasped. “Please don’t say on my bed as well.” “I would never do it in your bed, Jess.” She laughed. “Unless you expressly asked me to.” “I would never expressly ask you to do that.” I rolled my eyes at her. “Then you never have to worry.” She laughed again. “Now, enough about me, tell me what went down with you and Evan.” She shook her head. “You’re so bad. I can’t believe you slept with Pierce’s friend.” I groaned at her words. “Oh, shit, you don’t even know the half of it,” I said and made a face at her before burrowing my face in my hands. “What do you mean?” She narrowed her eyes. “Evan is not just Pierce’s friend.” “Oh, my God,” she shouted. “They weren’t lovers, were they?” “What?” I blinked at her. “No, that would be gross.” “You need to be more open-minded, Jess.” Alyssa winked at me and I groaned again. “Listen, you’re not even going to believe this.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Oh, this sounds like it’s going to be juicy.” She clapped her hands excitedly. “Tell me, tell me.” “So, Pierce and Evan are more than friends.” I paused dramatically again. “Yeah, you said that.” She nodded. “Continue.” “Evan is….” I stopped and pretended to collapse onto the floor. “Not a woman?” Alyssa’s eyes widened. “Do not tell me that that sexy beast of a man is really a woman.” “Alyssa…” I rolled my eyes at her. “Really? You think that Evan used to be a woman? Are you freaking joking?” “I don’t know.” She shrugged and laughed. “I’m not a mind reader. You should just tell me.” “I’m trying to,” I said, feeling exasperated and overly dramatic. “So just do it, then.” “Evan is Pierce's dad,” I said and stared at Alyssa’s face. It would have been comical if I wasn’t so invested in the situation. “He’s what?” Alyssa’s jaw dropped and her eyes popped open. “He’s what?” “You heard me correctly,” I said and laughed. “Evan is Pierce’s dad.” “Oh, my God, you slept with your boyfriend’s dad?” Her voice was in awe. “You really are a slut.” “Alyssa…” “Jess?” she mimicked me. “That’s crazy. Absolutely crazy. I can’t believe it.” “Are you judging me?” I asked her in disbelief, my heart sinking. If Alyssa was judging me and thinking I was crazy and shocking, then I really had overstepped the line. Even though I already knew that. I guess I’d kinda been hoping that Alyssa would be the one person who wouldn’t judge me. If I couldn’t count on her to make me feel better, I couldn’t count on anyone. “Of course not.” She started laughing. “You’re my bloody hero and it’s not as if you knew that

was his dad.” “I had no clue. Not until this morning,” I said and groaned. “I’m going to go to hell.” “Nah, it’s not like he’s your husband. You barely know Pierce.” Alyssa shook her head. “You’re fine.” “I’m so not fine. I’m a horrible, creepy, weirdo.” “Nah, it’s not like you’ve been with both of them and even if you had, that’s not even a big deal. Evan is the only douchebag in this situation.” “I mean, that’s true.” I sighed. He really was a douchebag. A good lover, but an awful guy. I mean, who slept with their son’s girlfriend? That was so shady. He hadn’t cared at all. He’d been inappropriate from the beginning, which made me wonder why he had been inappropriate from the beginning. It made no sense to me. What had he been trying to accomplish? And why had he continued to pursue and play with me? What had he wanted from me? Had he been testing me? And if so, what was the test? Obviously, I’d failed it, but where did we go from here? “What are you thinking about?” Alyssa touched my arm. “You totally just spaced out.” “I’m wondering what I’m going to do now? Do I see Evan again? Is he going to want to see me or was I just a booty call?” I made a face. “And what about Pierce?” “What about him?” “Do I tell him the truth?” “Are you joking?” Alyssa looked at me like I was crazy. “Why would you tell him anything? Just ignore him.” “So…” I looked at her guiltily and my voice trailed off. “So what?” She frowned at me. “Oh, my God, Jess, what did you do?” “Stop saying the lord's name in vain.” I made a face at her. “Okay.” She rolled her eyes. “Stop changing the subject and tell me what you did.” “Who said I did anything” “Jess, I know you better than you know yourself. I know you did something. Tell me.” “Grr,” I responded and made a face. “What’s grr?” she said. “Just grr.” “Just grr?” “I told him I’d go to dinner with him.” I moaned. “I’m guessing that the ‘him’ you’re talking about is not Evan because I think you’d be smiling.” Alyssa looked at me expectantly. “That is correct.” I made a face. “Let me get this straight,” she said with a slight frown. “You slept with Evan, you fancy Evan, yet you accepted a dinner date with Pierce.” “Yeah.” I wrinkled my nose. “Are you out of your mind?” She gave me another look, but this time she wasn’t smiling. “Why in

hell would you accept another date with Pierce, when you don’t even like him?” “Because I didn’t know what to say.” “That’s not a good reason to say yes, Jess.” She looked annoyed with me. “What the hell are you thinking? You know this can only go badly for you.” “Well, I was put on the spot.” I made a face. “If I said no it would’ve looked suspicious. And his mom was there. How was I going to decline his invitation in front of his mom?” “You could’ve said you were busy and that you’d call him or something. You could’ve said anything but yes.” “Yeah, I know.” I just stared at her. “I suck.” “You don’t suck.” She shook her head. “You can still cancel the date. Tell him something came up.” “Yeah, I can do that.” I paused. “What’s the hesitancy, Jess?” “Well, I don’t know when I’m going to see Evan again. We haven’t made any plans and, well—” “Oh, my gosh.” Alyssa cut me off. “You’re worried you won’t see Evan again if you don’t continue to date Pierce.” “Well, kinda.” I made a face. I knew it was horrible. If Evan didn’t want to see me again, then it was degrading for me to be chasing him, and quite hurtful to Pierce to be going after him, knowing that I was only interested in continuing to see him because I wanted to see Evan. “That sounds horrible, doesn’t it?” “Jess, honestly, if Evan doesn’t want to see you again, he’s an ass.” She paused and gave me a hesitant look. “What?” I asked expectantly. “Honestly, he seems like he’s kinda an ass anyway.” She gave me a look and paused. “He knew you were dating Pierce and he still slept with you and he knew that Pierce was his son. I mean, what sort of shitty father does that?” “What are you saying?” “I’m saying…” And she looked serious for a few moments. “Jess, I’m saying that while I’m glad you had fun and a good night, I’m not sure I would be wasting my time trying to invest in this friendship or in anything with him.” “Why?” I felt hurt at her words. “Because I don’t think he has any plans to invest anything with you. I mean this seems like this is all fun and games to him.” She made a face. “In this situation, how could anything really prosper or get better?” She looked serious. “I mean, he’s never asked you on a date. He’s never implied he wants a relationship with you. He didn’t even tell you he was Pierce’s dad. Seems to me he’s a selfish jerk who wanted sex and that’s about all he wanted.” “So you think it’s a waste of time for me to try to get to know him better?” As I said the words, I knew I was being stupid. It wasn’t as if Evan was even trying to get to know me better. That was one

thing I hated about being a woman: always thinking about situations and outcomes that have nothing to do with reality and what’s actually going on. I mean, why did I care if I thought it was a waste of time to get to know him better or not? It wasn’t as if it was even an option at this moment. Evan wasn’t trying to get to know me better. I knew that. He knew that. Yet, my brain, heart and body were trying to convince myself of something different. I told you, I’m not in my right mind. Not at all. “Jess, has he asked you out?” she asked me seriously. “Has he cared about anything in your life aside from teasing you and making sex jokes?” “You know the answer to that.” I started to feel a hollowness inside of me as my heart fell. The reality of the situation was hitting me like a ton of bricks. Alyssa was correct. There was absolutely nothing that had occurred between us that would lead me to believe that Evan was interested in absolutely anything with me. Even when I’d left this morning he hadn’t said anything, hadn’t tried to snatch me away to talk and see where we stood. If it wasn’t for me saying yes to Pierce’s dinner date, there was a possibility that I’d never see any of them again. I swallowed hard as I realized I’d slept with a man who really didn’t give a rat’s ass about me. It had seemed all fun and exciting, in the morning, but the reality of the fact was that I’d been nothing but a booty call to Evan. Some two-bit tramp who had opened her legs easily and let him take what he wanted without even having been taken on a date. I was an idiot and the fact that I was still hoping Evan would be interested in something more than I’d already gotten confirmed that. He had never even been super nice to me. Some rude conversations didn’t mean much at the end of the day.

CHAPTER 15

J ess “SO I WAS THINKING MAYBE we could go on a real date?” I spoke into the mirror and made a face at my reflection. I sounded pathetic. “So I was thinking that perhaps we could go out, maybe on a date?” I said again and tried to give myself a sexy smile. Ugh, why would Evan want to take me on a date after everything that had gone down between us? Why was I trying to make this something that it wasn’t? “So maybe before we have sex again, you could actually spend some money on me?” I groaned at the words and walked over to my bed and then fell down on the mattress. “You suck, Jess.” I moaned out loud and stared at the ceiling. And I sucked for multiple reasons. One, because I was hoping he would take me on a real date, and two, because I thought we’d actually have sex again. And then three, because I had a date with Pierce planned for that evening. “Talking to yourself again?” Alyssa walked past my bedroom and looked into my room, giving me a small smile. “Again?” I made a face at her. “Are you trying to say you think I’m going crazy?” “You’ve long been crazy, Jess.” Alyssa walked into the room and sat down next to me. “What are you mumbling on about?” “I’m just trying to think of a way to convince Evan to go on a date with me.” “What?” Alyssa sighed and I could tell she was trying to stop herself from saying something else. “I know, it’s stupid. I’m stupid.” I made a face at her. “You’re not stupid.” She pursed her lips. “You just have bad taste in men. That’s not unique to you. We all do.” “Yeah, that makes me feel a lot better.” I rolled my eyes at her. “It just sucks.” “Yeah, it does suck, but you can get over it, if you focus and just concentrate on moving on.” “That’s easier said than done, Alyssa.” I sighed. “I would if I could.” “Maybe you need to try a little harder. I don’t really feel like you’ve done much to get over this situation and move on.” “What would you have me do?” I whined. “We just had sex last night. I like him. I want to see him

again. I want to see if perhaps he might like me.” I made a face, knowing how stupid I sounded. Why would he like me? He didn’t even know me and I didn’t think I was that good in the sack. “Stop talking to the asshole.” Her voice grew louder. “Stop talking to him. Stop sleeping with him. Stop seeing him. That’s the only way to move on. You guys hooked up once. It’s not like he promised you the moon or anything. Just don’t try and make this something that it isn’t.” “I know. I know. I’m trying.” “You’re not trying very hard.” “Alyssa, give me some credit, please.” I stared at her, pain in my eyes. “This is not easy for me.” “I know it’s not easy, but it’s not going to get easier. It’s only going to get harder. And it’s only going to get more painful. And the longer you wait to get out of this situation the harder it is going to be.” “That’s what she said,” I joked, but Alyssa didn’t laugh. “I thought that was funny,” I said and gave her a wry smile. “You don’t agree?” “If you’re a fifteen-year-old boy, it’s funny, otherwise it’s not.” “Have a sense of humor.” I made a face at her. “Jess, I don’t want you to get caught up in this guy.” “I’m not caught up,” I protested and then made a face at her again. “And I thought you were the one who thought it was exciting for me to be dating Evan?” “No, I thought it was exciting that you were flirting with two different hot guys. I thought it was exhilarating and, yeah, maybe I thought it would be cool if you hooked up with one of them. And I didn’t care which one, but now I know that Evan is Pierce’s dad. It kinda makes it all a little ickier. I mean, what guy sleeps with his son’s girlfriend? It’s just shady. And what are you talking about? You’re not dating him. You had sex with him. That’s a big difference.” “We don’t know his reasons, though.” I ignored most of her comments. “Maybe he forgot he was Pierce’s dad or something…” My voice trailed off. “Maybe he had a good reason...” “Is there any possible good reason for him to hook up with you?” She gave me a look. “I mean, let’s be real, what good reason could he have?” “I dunno.” I sighed. “It’s not something I’ve been thinking about a lot. I just want him to like me.” “I know you want him to like you, but maybe, just maybe, he’s not the sort of guy that you should want to be with, even if he did like you.” “So now you’re saying that it’s a waste of time for me to want him to like me?” “Yes.” “Whoa.” I looked at her face carefully. “You really don’t like him?” “I think he’s bad news and bad news means a broken heart and he’s not worth a broken heart.” She made a face. “Trust me, he’s not worth the tears he will bring.” “Why do you say that? Maybe I just want some fun as well.” “Maybe.” She sighed. “But we both know you’re not that kind of girl. You don’t want fun. That’s not what you’re about in relationships.”

“Not in relationships, but this isn’t a relationship. As you just said,” I said and tried to smile, but I couldn’t quite make it. I looked at Alyssa and sighed myself. “Oh, my God, what am I doing? This is already a hot mess. I should just move on with my life and pretend like I never met Evan or Pierce.” “I agree,” Alyssa said with a nod. “Forget them both.” “I’m going to do it.” I nodded. “Next!” “Next!” She reached over to hug me. “Wanna go out tonight? Maybe we can go clubbing? Meet some hotties?” “Alyssa…” I just stared at her. “Really? That’s what got us in this predicament in the first place. Well, me, anyways. I don’t suppose you have any issue with Braydon?” “You got that right.” She laughed. “Braydon is good for a night or two, but I’m not interested in anything more than that.” “Well, good for you. I’m glad you’re able to move on so quickly.” “I wouldn’t call it moving on since we never had anything in the first place.” “I know what you’re going to say next.” I could feel my stomach lurching. “What am I going to say next?” She raised an eyebrow at me. “You’re going to say I don’t really have much moving on to do, either, because Evan and I never had anything.” I blinked, trying to ignore the warm heat rising through my stomach. I was starting to feel sick and my skin was feeling clammy. I had no idea why I was feeling so poorly over this. It was true what I said. Evan and I didn’t have any sort of relationship. We’d met and flirted and argued. I’d called him an ass and he’d teased me and, yes, now we’d also had sex, but that didn’t really mean anything. It didn’t mean we were connected in any way. It didn’t mean we were meant to be together or that he liked me. Guys had sex easily and I’d let him. I mean, it wasn’t like I hadn’t wanted it, but really it didn’t mean anything. I was pretty sure he wasn’t forecasting any sort of future with me and, really, why should he? I was no one to him. In fact, any sort of relationship would likely be doomed based on how we knew each other. What would we say if we ever got married? ‘Oh, Jess was dating my son when we met and we hooked up the night of his birthday party.’ Hip hip hooray. Three cheers for the bride and groom? Yea right, that was unlikely to happen. Very, very unlikely. And would I even want that to happen, even if it were a possibility? And was I crazy for even thinking these thoughts in the first place? Yes, yes, of course I was. That wasn’t my first sign that I was crazy. I mean, let’s be real, I slept with my boyfriend’s dad. You know you already have to be crazy if you’re doing something like that. I just didn’t realize how bonkers I really was. May lightning strike me down if I continue on this crazy train. Sometimes, I just don’t understand why I always seem to find myself in these situations. I can never just meet the normal, nice and sweet guy and stick with him. There always seems to have to be some drama. And I’m so over drama. Not that you would know that from my history or current day. “What are you thinking about, Jess?” Alyssa sounded concerned. “I’m thinking that I’m a fool, maybe a huge fool.” And I couldn’t even lie to myself and say that I

wasn’t. “Why are you a huge fool?” She looked concerned at my melodramatic tone. Either concerned or annoyed. I couldn’t quite tell. “Because I care about this guy and I don’t think I can just ignore him that easily.” I bit down on my lower lip. “I don’t know that I can just move on and not feel anything.” “Oh, Jess.” Alyssa rubbed my shoulder. “Don’t tell me you’ve fallen for him.” “Okay, I won’t tell you then.” I made a face at her and then groaned loudly. “Why does this always happen to me?” “Just ignore him, babe. It’ll be okay.” “I don’t know how to ignore him.” I stared into her eyes. “Well, has he contacted you yet?” she asked curiously, and I shook my head. “So, yeah, let’s worry about you ignoring him after he keeps trying to blow you up.” “You don’t think he’s going to call, do you?” I made a face at her and my heart sank because I didn’t think he was going to call or text, either, which just made the whole thing even sadder. Here I was practically crying my heart out and he hadn’t even called. I was pretty sure he probably wasn’t even thinking about me, period. Sad. “I mean, he might.” She looked like she was trying not to hurt my feelings. I knew it because I know she didn’t really think he might call or text. I knew she didn’t think he would because I certainly didn’t think he would. I mean, why would he? I’d just be a complication in his life and why would he want a complication like me? What positives was I bringing that would outweigh all the negatives that would come along with him wanting to see me again? There were no real positives that would come from us being together and no reasons why he would want to pursue it, either. Why buy the biggest bitch of a cow when you’d already gotten the milk for free? “We both know he’s not going to call me or text me,” I said and sighed. “The bigger issue is obviously me. Am I going to text or call him? Am I going to be the weak link?” “Jess, you can’t think about it like that.” Alyssa paused and then continued. “Though I would recommend you don’t text or call him. Why put yourself out there to be hurt? Honestly, he’s not a good guy. A stand up guy would never have put you in that position in the first place. He would’ve told you who he was, would’ve tried to make things right before you guys hooked up. He’s not a stand up guy, trust me on that, so there’s absolutely no point on trying to get to know him better or giving him a chance. No point whatsoever.” “Wow, you really don’t like him.” “I know these sorts of guys. They aren’t worth it. He’ll never be worth it.” “Why does it already feel like it’s going to hurt, though?” I could feel my heart aching as I thought about never seeing Evan again. Why did everything feel so melodramatic already? Why did I feel like my heart was going to be broken? Why did I feel like there was nothing I could do to stop the pain that I knew was coming? “Oh, Jess, you’ve invested in him emotionally and physically.” Alyssa looked worried. “You

know you’re not the sort of girl who can sleep with a guy and not feel something for him. That’s just your personality.” “I don’t want that to be my personality. I don’t want to think about him or care about him. I don’t want to be feeling hurt already. I don’t even know this guy. I don’t want to feel like he’s consuming my life.” “Jess, the only thing I can tell you is that you need to just not continue on with him. Getting out and meeting new guys could help with that.” “Alyssa, I don’t want to go clubbing. I don’t want to meet new guys. I can’t move on that quickly. That’s not how I work. I already feel like shit about everything and now I feel like my heart is going to be broken for being some heathen slut.” “Jess, STOP, STOP, STOP. You are totally overreacting about everything. You can get over this quite easily if you just listen to my advice.” “I’m listening.” “You’re listening, but I’m not sure you’re really paying attention. I’m not sure you’re going to listen to me and follow my advice.” “He’s not calling, so I don’t think we have a problem right now, do you?” I pursed my lips. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask him if he wants to take me on a real date.” “You shouldn’t even have to ask him that, Jess. If he was really interested in that, he would’ve asked you already. Let’s be real, if he’s interested in a genuine way, he will be asking you a lot more than can I take you on a date. He’d be wooing you, hoping he could take you on many dates. He’d be hoping that he can do whatever he can to make you feel better about this situation. He’d be letting you know how much he likes you and he’d be hoping that you feel the same way. He’d be talking about how he’s sorry for not telling you the truth—which, by the way, what did he say about that?” “Nothing,” I mumbled, feeling dumb. “What?” She screwed her face up. “What do you mean by nothing?” “I mean he said nothing.” I groaned. “I was in bed with him when I found out. And when I say in bed, I mean that Pierce had kinda entered the room and that’s how I found out. And then I rushed to the shower and then everyone was there and then basically we all chatted and I said I couldn’t make brunch because you needed me and then Pierce asked if I wanted to do dinner instead and I said yes and then I left.” “Oh, my God.” Alyssa shook her head. “Call Pierce and tell him that you don’t want to do dinner. Tell him you can’t see him anymore. Tell him that everything has been moving too quickly for you and that you need some time to think.” “Really?” I made a face and my heart lurched. “Won’t that look suspicious?” “Who bloody cares?” Alyssa sounded annoyed. “Just do it. You owe nothing to Pierce or to Evan. Absolutely nothing. You just need to get over them both. And the best way to do that is not to see either of them again.” “Oh, my God,” I said. “I’m not sure I can do that.” My stomach sank. “I really like him. I just can’t

not see him again.” “Yes, you can.” Alyssa looked annoyed now. “It’s the only way to make sure this doesn’t blow up in your face.” “It won’t blow up in my face.” I bit down on my lower lip. “I’ll be good.” “It’s not you I’m worried about, Jess. You’re playing with fire and I swear to God, you’re the only one who’s going to get burned in this situation.” “Why?” I buried my face in my hands. “Oh, God, why…” “Just listen to me, Jess. Just call Pierce now and call off the dinner date.” “Okay.” I nodded and sighed. “I’ll do it.” I peeked at her through my fingers. “I’ll do it.” I jumped up and then collapsed back down on the mattress and groaned. “Why me? Why oh why?”

CHAPTER 16

J ess YOU EVER TELL yourself that you’re doing something for one reason when you’re really doing it for quite a different reason? That’s something that I do all of the time. That’s something I did when I decided to go over to Pierce’s apartment to pick up a dress and cardigan that I’d left there at some point. Even though I had cancelled dinner with Pierce and told him that I wasn’t feeling well and needed time alone, I still convinced myself it was a good idea to go over to his place and that I really needed my dress and cardigan because, well, you know, it was obviously a matter of life and death. The sad part was that Evan hadn’t reached out to me at all in the three days since I’d slept with him. And that had killed me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, wondering what he was thinking. Telling myself that he wasn’t contacting me because he wasn’t sure how I felt and if I would be cool with him after what had happened. Maybe he was worried I’d feel like he had taken advantage of me. Maybe he’d think I didn’t want to see him again. I didn’t know. I knew in my heart of hearts that all of those thoughts were likely untrue. I knew he most likely wasn’t even thinking about me. I knew that I was probably nothing to him, but that didn’t stop me from wishing that the reality was something different. I mean, don’t we all wish that the reality is something different? So that’s why I found myself headed over to Pierce’s apartment on a Thursday afternoon when the last thing I should have been doing was heading over to his place. I rang the doorbell and held my breath, wondering who was going to answer and buzz me up, if anyone. “Hello?” Evan’s deep voice spoke through the intercom, and my heart stopped. “Hello,” he said a few seconds later, as I’d been unable to speak. “It’s me. It’s Jess,” I said finally. Silence. I felt my face growing red. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Oh, my God, I’d made a mistake. “Jess?” he said after what seemed like a decade. “I left something in the apartment. I came to get it.” “Okay,” he said, his voice sounding hesitant, and I just wanted to run away.

“Can I come up?” “Of course.” He buzzed me up and the door cracked open as I pushed it and headed towards the stairs. My heart was racing as I made my way up the stairs, wondering what he was thinking and if I’d made a huge mistake coming here. He hadn’t sounded like he’d missed me or been thinking about me at all.

CHAPTER 17

E van T HREE DAYS. That was how long it had taken for Jess to come over. I was surprised it had taken this long. In fact, it made me doubt my own skills in bed. The fact that she hadn’t even contacted me or tried to see me before this point was surprising and I’d felt a bit put out. Normally a woman slept with me and it was like she’d been consumed with a virus. Normally they couldn’t get enough of me. Obviously Jess hadn’t felt that way. Though she had eventually showed up today, three days later. Hmm, I’d have to show her that that wasn’t acceptable. Three days was too long. I’d been craving her since the moment she’d left my bed the other morning. All I could think about was the way she’d felt next to me and how she’d touched me and I’d felt whole inside of her. It had felt like heaven on earth. And while I’d felt guilty about what had occurred, I couldn’t stop thinking that this was one of the hottest moments in my life. Oh, Jess had been so eager, so willing, so tempting, and she had loved every part of it just as I had. But damn, three bloody days. How could she have gone that long without seeing me or wanting to be with me? I didn’t understand it. I heard the light knocking on the door and I walked over to it in excitement. I couldn’t wait to see her face or her body. I couldn’t wait to touch her. If she let me. I didn’t want to play games with her. I couldn’t wait to see her lips trembling as I touched her. I couldn’t wait to be with her. I just hoped she felt the same way and that she couldn’t wait to be with me. I was hoping I had been on her mind as much as she’d been on mine. I opened the door and removed the smile from my face. I didn’t want her to think I was too eager. I didn’t want her to think I’d been counting down the hours to this moment; that I’d been anxious to see her again. I didn’t want her to think I cared as much as I did. There was nothing good that would come of that. “Hello, Jess,” I said, taking in her appearance eagerly. Her hair hung long down past her shoulders and she was wearing a pair of short-shorts and a tight tank top that told me secrets of her body that I wanted to remember—oh, how I wanted to remember.

“Hi.” She didn’t smile as she looked at me and I could tell she was pissed off. “Want to come in?” “That’s why I’m here.” She rolled her eyes at me and all I wanted to do was pull her in for a kiss. “Then, come in.” I walked away from the door. I wasn’t going to make this easier on her. “What are you here for?” “I’m here to collect my stuff,” she said stiffly. “Your stuff?” I raised an eyebrow at her. “What stuff? Your sex toys?” “My what?” She glared at me. “Was I not loud enough?” I spoke up louder. “I said your sex toys?” “I don’t have any sex toys,” she said indignantly. “At all or just here?” I said with a laugh. “You should really have a dildo at home for the lonely nights.” “You’re a jerk.” She gasped, and I laughed. “Original.” I headed towards the kitchen. “Want a drink?” “No.” She didn’t follow behind me. “Want something to eat?” I said. “No.” “Want a quick fuck?” “No,” she screeched. “Want a long fuck, then?” “No, oh my god, you’re such a pervert.” She sounded exacerbated, and this time I did turn around and look at her. “Really? You’re that shocked?” I looked at her body. “Isn’t that why you came over this afternoon?” “Excuse me?” She glared at me. “You wanted another piece of me.” “I want no piece of you,” she said, her lips quivering, and I almost laughed. It was so obvious to me that she wanted me as badly as I wanted her but I was going to keep playing this game with her. That would teach her to leave me wanting for three days. Three days indeed. Didn’t she realize I had needs? Didn’t she realize she was lucky enough to have gotten a night with me? That wasn’t something that happened to a lot of women and she should be thankful for that. I’d have to teach her a lesson. I’d have to teach her a lesson she wouldn’t forget. “You’re a liar,” I said with a smirk. “You’re still an ass.” “An ass you enjoyed the other night.” “Is that all you think about?” “Do you think about anything else?” I asked her and leaned over to whisper into her ear. “Have you thought about anything else since that night?”

“What are you talking about?” She tried to take a step back, but I grabbed a hold of her arm and pulled her closer to me. “Have you thought about anything other than me being inside of you, making you mine?” “You’re a pervert.” “Isn’t that what you liked so much about me?” I laughed. “Didn’t you like my perverted self sliding up inside of you, while your fingernails dug into my shoulders and back? Didn’t you enjoy the way I made you scream and come? Isn’t that why you came back?” “I came back for my dress and my cardigan.” She gasped, her breath coming quickly now. “I don’t want you. You’re so full of yourself.” “You want me right now. You want to ride me, and I think I’m going to let you do it.” “No, I don’t.” Her eyes widened and I laughed as she licked her lips nervously. “Or I can take you from behind. I seem to remember you liked that as well. I really seemed to hit the spot, didn’t I?” “I came for my dress and cardigan,” she protested, eyes wide. “Liar.” I pushed my erection into her. “You came to come.” “You’re such a pervert.” “And that’s what you love about me.” “I don’t love anything about you,” she protested. “All you care about is sex.” “That’s not true.” “You’ve never asked me out on a date.” “You want to go on a date?” I leaned forward and took her lower lip in my mouth. “That can be arranged.” “I don’t want to go on a date. I’m just saying that you’re not a standup guy. You haven’t even asked me on a date, yet you love to talk about sex all the time. I think you’re disgusting.” “You think I’m disgusting?” “Yes.” “Uh huh.” I stepped back and had a grin at her bereft expression. “Okay then, let’s find your dress and cardigan and then you can leave.” “What?” She frowned in confusion. “I don’t want you to think I’m here to keep you against your will.” I shrugged. “Obviously, I read the signs incorrectly. Let’s get your stuff and then you can go.” “Oh, okay.” She still looked confused. “Uh, what about Pierce?” “What about him?” I said softly, waiting to see if she’d crack. “Nothing.” She shook her head. “Absolutely nothing.” She looked lost for a few seconds and a part of me felt sorry for her. She had absolutely no idea she was playing around with a mastermind. And how would she? She was out of her league and that was part of why I found the game so much fun. She had absolutely no idea how to keep up with me. I felt a little hesitation as she glanced up at me through her long lashes. A part of me felt guilty. Maybe I shouldn’t play this game with her. Maybe I should just let it go. Maybe, just maybe, I should

let Jess be the one who didn’t get caught up in the trap. I should be the man that didn’t let Jess get caught up in the trap but, for selfish reasons, I didn’t want to be that man. For selfish reasons, I wanted to be the man that let Jess get trapped up in all of my tangled and devious webs. I wanted to see how far I could take everything. I wondered how far I could push it, how far she was willing to go. I was surprised she had even brought Pierce up. Though I was sure she was probably still shocked about what had gone on. Who wouldn’t be? “So do you know where you left it, then?” I asked her, feigning nonchalance. If she thought I wanted her to leave, then she would likely not want to leave. That was the psychology of how these things went every single time. “Left what?” She looked more confused than ever and she started playing with her hair. I wanted to reach over and run my fingers through it and pull it a little. I wanted to watch her eyes widen in surprise and shock and maybe a little in desire, wondering what I was going to do next, but I didn’t. A part of me was starting to feel guilty. She was so very naïve and gullible and I couldn’t quite believe she’d fallen for everything. I couldn’t believe it, yet I was happy she was here. I just had no idea how much further things would go and if I’d be okay with that. “The stuff you came to collect,” I said softly. “Isn’t that why you’re here, after all?” “Of course it is. Why else would I be here?” “Maybe for me?” I laughed as she blushed. “Maybe to ride me?” “You’re such a pervert.” “Isn’t that what makes everything fun?” I winked at her. “Isn’t that why you’ve been attracted to me this whole time?” I stared at her, wondering why and how she didn’t get it. Did nothing seem off to her? “I can’t believe you.” She shook her head in disgust at me. “You’re a horrible dad to Pierce. I can’t believe you would do that to your own son.” “If you’re so concerned, why don’t you go on a date with him, then, and make it up to him?” Her words annoyed me. She had no idea what she was talking about. I wondered how she could just take everything at face value. Didn’t she question anything? I wanted to tell her to just slow down and think about everything properly. I wanted to tell her that she should have more faith in me. That maybe Pierce wasn’t the good guy she thought he was. I wanted to tell her that I thought maybe both of us had been played, but I knew it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because I knew the truth, the whole truth, the full truth, the sickening truth. And while, in the beginning, it had seemed like harmless fun, it was starting to make me feel guilty. And that was a feeling I didn’t understand or want to understand. I didn’t want to develop a conscience, not now. Not when everything was so up in the air and so complicated. This was meant to be fun. It had always been fun. I couldn’t let that change now. “Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll just stick with him. He seems like he’s a better guy than you.” “You think?” Something in my stomach growled and I could feel myself growing angry. Did she really think that? And what did I care if she did? I should have known from the beginning that this was going to be overly complicated. I just should have known.

“Well, it’s not like you told me anything. Or explained. Or tried to call me. Or text. Or anything.” She pursed her lips and I could see she was upset. “But whatever, it doesn’t matter.” “Okay then,” I responded, not really sure what to say. Or how to feel. “Okay then? That’s all you have to say?” “I don’t know what you want me to say.” I just wanted to touch and kiss her. I didn’t want to think about anything else. “Typical.” Her brown eyes looked sad, and I felt something inside of me cringing. I’d hurt her. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want to feel like I was responsible for making her feel bad. “What do you want to talk about?” I asked her, though my insides were rebelling against the words. I didn’t want to talk about anything too deep. “Nothing.” She bit down on her lower lip. “It’s obvious to me that you don’t care, so why should I?” “Stop playing these games. If you want to talk about something, just tell me. I don’t have time for this.” “What do you have time for, Evan?” she snapped and her eyes flashed at me. “Some lovemaking.” I winked at her, hoping to make her laugh, but she just shook her head. “You’re an asshole.” “You want me to do what with your asshole?” My eyes widened as I cracked a joke and she just looked at me and rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe you’re anyone’s dad,” she said, shaking her head, and I wanted to respond with, well, why do you then? but I kept my mouth shut. “Still no response?” She looked annoyed. “All you do is crack jokes or make commentaries about sex. Do you have no feelings?” “What do you want from me, Jess?” I asked her quietly, suddenly feeling overwhelmed and sad at the situation. And rather confused. I just didn’t know what to think or feel anymore and I hated feeling like I was in this position of powerlessness and out of control. And I was starting to feel like a jerk. And I never felt like a jerk. It’s a weird feeling to have the wind knocked out of you. And that’s what that moment did to me. It made me think and look at everything differently. It made me look at everything through Jess’s eyes. If even for a few brief seconds. And that struck something in me. Something I didn’t want to acknowledge. “I don’t want anything. I barely know you.” She shrugged and looked away. “Maybe I should just go.” She stepped towards the door, and I could feel myself panicking. “Okay, go,” I said, hating myself for being so cruel, wondering what was wrong with me. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. I didn’t really want to think about it. “You just don’t care, do you?” She sounded exasperated, and as I stared at her face I could see she wasn’t going to start laughing and tell me that she wasn’t really upset. I didn’t really know what she wanted from me, what she could possibly be expecting. It made no sense to me. How could she want something more than what was realistic? “I don’t really know what you want me to say.”

“Just say anything.” “If I had something to say, I would say it.” I sighed and then took a deep breath. “Look, Jess, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I’m sorry about how everything has gone down.” “Are you? Are you really?” “Yes, I am.” I took a deep breath. “Maybe I can take you to lunch or something. Get you to forgive me for being an ass.” “You want to take me to lunch?” She looked up at me and I swore I could see eagerness in her eyes. I wasn’t sure if I’d made a mistake. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. It was deviating from the plan. I didn’t want to give her a false expectation of what was going to happen next. I didn’t want to give myself a false expectation either. This wasn’t going to go anywhere. Not least because she had no clue exactly what was going on and when she knew the full truth about the situation, I was pretty sure she would never talk to me again. A dull thud pounded in my heart as I thought about her hating me more than she hated me now. “If you’ll let me.” I smiled at her gently. “We had fun the other night. I thought we were starting to get on. I thought we had a connection. I didn’t realize we’d left things so poorly. I didn’t realize that the next time I saw you, it would be this awkward. I’m sorry.” “You didn’t call. You didn’t text.” “Neither did you,” I said simply. “But…” She sighed. “I don’t know what to say.” “Just say you’ll go to lunch with me.” “Fine. I’ll go.” “Do you want to go?” I asked her with a small smile. “Yes.” She nodded and looked me directly in the eyes. “Maybe I’m crazy, but yes, yes I do.” “Good.” I walked over to her, grabbed her arms and pulled her towards me. “Maybe I’m crazy too.” “Why do you say that?” she asked as she looked up into my eyes, her lashes batting innocently as she stared at me, searching for answers to questions she wasn’t asking. “Because this whole situation just feels like a dream.” “It does, doesn’t it?” She laughed and I couldn’t stop myself from leaning down to kiss her hard. Her lips were soft and sweet beneath mine and I breathed in her essence. Oh, how I’d missed her in the last few days. It scared me that I’d missed her. It scared me that I cared, even a little bit. I didn’t want to care. Not at all. Everything was going to shit and I had no idea what I was going to do. No idea at all.

PART 2 Evan There’s something you should know. Something I should tell you, lest you hate me forever. I’m

not Pierce’s dad. I know, I know, what the hell am I saying? How could I not be Pierce’s dad, after everything that’s gone down? You might even be thinking I’m a bigger jerk than you’d previously thought. Though that might not be hard. I’m not going to make a pun about how hard I can get. That wouldn’t be appropriate and you don’t know me well enough for that yet. So let me go back to what I was saying. I’m not Pierce’s dad. I know, your mind is all flummoxed. And I know you’re thinking what the hell is going on here? Maybe you’re not thinking that. Maybe you don’t swear or think things like hell. If you’re one of those perfect people, then congrats. I’m pretty confident I’ll never change your mind into thinking I’m an alright sort of guy most of the time. To the rest of you, the ones who are human, and not perfect, let me plead my case before we continue with the story. I need to plead my case now, because I don’t want you to hate me. I don’t want you to think I’m not good enough for Jess. Even though I’m not really good enough. Pierce and I are frat brothers. I’m older than him. By a good seven years. I was his house brother when he was in the frat house. I’d been working on my PhD and took the job so I could have a free place to live. Our frat was crazy, as are most frats, and we were immature, as are most guys in college. Okay, we were maybe more immature and we never really grew out of that mentality. Pierce and I and a couple other brothers used to play a game where we would go to a club, see a girl, and guess who we thought she’d hook up with, or when we could get her in bed, or what lies we could convince her were true. Like I said, we were immature and dumb. And still are. Our antics have grown bolder over the years and I’m ashamed to say, we’ve pulled some really shady shit. Like with Jess. Pierce has this thing where he thinks he can get any girl. I have this thing where I think I can get any girl that Pierce thinks he can get. So we made a bet. And to make it more interesting we decided to twist it up. We decided to pick a girl we thought looked like more of an innocent, so that it wouldn’t be in her nature to just ‘cheat’ or flirt with me. And then Pierce had the crazy idea that we should pretend I was his brother or his dad. We jokingly decided upon dad, because I have grey hair, but I never in a billion years would have thought anyone would have bought that story. I mean, it still boggles my mind that Jess actually thinks I’m Pierce’s dad. So here’s the part where I should tell you why I’m explaining everything to you now. I’m in a quandary. I like Jess. And I’m starting to think Pierce is an asshole. I mean, we’re both assholes, but I’m starting to think Pierce was deliberately playing with Jess’s feelings to get another girl jealous. And, well, that pisses me off. Okay, I know I have no reason to be pissed off. I have no reason to feel like I’m better than Pierce. We both got into this shit together. I’m the one who played her. I’m the one who teased and tormented her when she was coming over for Pierce. I know I’m not the good guy here. I know I’ve done and said things I shouldn’t have. Things I can’t take back. Yet, I do feel bad about my actions. I do feel bad about the lies. You should know that. You should know if I had to do it all again, I’d have done a lot of things differently. I wish I could tell you that I was a good guy, that I owned up to my mistakes right away. That I tried to make things better. That I didn’t hurt Jess. Unfortunately, I can’t say that. However, you should know before we go any further that I do have feelings for Jess. I did have feelings for Jess, even before everything went down. It’s true I didn’t

know exactly what the feelings meant. It’s true I was caught up in the game. I wasn’t the best guy. A part of me liked playing with her. A part of me enjoyed the back and forth. It made everything really exciting. I’d never had a relationship with someone like I had with Jess. The dynamic was exhilarating: she had the special blend of being naïve, sexy, and winsome. I just couldn’t quite follow her and I enjoyed that challenge. I enjoyed not knowing exactly what she was thinking, yet seeing in her eyes that she was feeling something special. I wanted to let you know I’m not a bad guy, no matter what you might think. I wanted to let you know before we continued. I know my words might not be enough to make you think better of me. I know my words might not make you like me, but I have to try. I have to have someone in my corner. And I feel the need to have you know the truth before I continue. You need to know where I’m coming from. But I digress, in the end nothing really matters aside from what Jess thinks. And what Jess wants. And what Jess feels. And that’s anyone’s guess. I may have really and truly fucked it all up. And I don’t know if I can live with myself if that’s what’s happened.

CHAPTER 18

E van “YOU’RE GOING out with Jess?” Pierce’s eyes narrowed as he gazed at me with a frown. “Why?” “I thought I would take her out for lunch. See how she’s doing?” “Why?” He sounded confused. “I just don’t understand why.” “I thought I should get to know her, after everything that’s happened.” “Do you think that’s a good idea?” “I don’t think it’s a bad idea.” “Evan…” His lips thinned. “We can’t change the plan now. Don’t be an idiot.” “This doesn’t seem right.” I pursed my lips. “She’s not like the others.” “So you think we should have gone with Alyssa?” “I think we shouldn’t have done it.” I wasn’t sure why all of a sudden I felt bad about our plan. We’d picked up girls at bars before and I’d never had these same concerns, but somehow it felt different with Jess. It felt nastier, meaner in a way. “Dude, it’s just for fun. It’s not like we’ve done anything truly wrong.” Pierce gave me a look that showed that he thought I was being an idiot. “Pierce,” I said with a sigh, “it doesn’t seem right.” I pursed my lips and stopped myself from continuing. I was the last person to be preaching to Pierce. Especially since I had been the one who had introduced him to the games in college. I’d been the one who had originally come up with all the crazy ways to trick women and ‘test them’. “Evan, since when have you cared about what’s right?” “We’re not in college anymore.” I sighed, not sure how to explain what I was thinking and going through inside. I didn’t even really know myself. “We were never in college at the same time.” I sighed again. “This is a shit show.” “I mean, she’s the one who believes you’re my dad. She’s the one who hooked up with you. She’s the one who is still going to go on a date with you.” “We haven’t been fair to her.” I knew my words sounded weak.

“Dude, who cares?” Pierce gave me a look. And I shrugged and shook my head. Why was I bothering? I knew Pierce didn’t care. And why should he? This was just a game to him. Just like it had always been a game to me as well. “Who’s the redhead?” I changed the subject. “Seems to me that you haven’t been completely honest yourself. Seems to me that you might have had ulterior motives yourself.” “I don’t have any ulterior motives.” He blinked at me. “Dude, this has been a tradition for Sigmas for years. We’re just continuing the tradition.” “Aren’t we too old for this?” “Maybe you are.” “I’m not that much older than you, Pierce.” I rolled my eyes at him. “Jess thinks you’re old enough to be my dad.” He started laughing. “I honestly never thought she’d believe that.” “I guess I look good for my age.” I grinned at him and then shook my head. “We suck. You know that, right? We really suck.” “Nah, you suck a lot more than me.” Pierce shook his head at me and bent down to stroke Squirrel between the ears. “You’re the one who took her.” “Took her?” “Slept with her.” He put a hand up to high-five me and I ignored him. “I’m shocked she decided on you over me.” “Dude, what did you think after you invited her to eat Ethiopian food, like, ten times in a row, knowing she hated it?” “All part of the plan, right? How much would she take? What would she do?” “Yeah, I suppose. Just seems wrong.” “I mean, we both know it’s not like she remained for me. She wasn’t sticking around for me, she was sticking around for you. That should make you feel good.” He made a face. “Every dinner she could barely keep her eyes off of you. I’m not sure who she thought she was fooling.” “It doesn’t make me feel good that we’ve been lying to this girl. And I feel like you tried to make her feel like you really cared about her and I feel like you were just using her to make that redhead jealous.” “Would I do that?” Pierce laughed. “Yes.” I sighed, annoyed. “That’s wrong.” “I’m not any more wrong than you are, dude. If anything, you were more fucked up than me. You’re the one who actually bagged her.” “Enough.” I sighed again. “I just wanted you to know that I’m going to be taking her to lunch in a few days.” “And the point of this is?” His expression changed and he looked annoyed. “What are you hoping is going to happen?” “I just want to make sure she feels better about everything going forward. I don’t want her to feel

used.” “Uh huh. Sure. That’s what you want.” “That is what I want.” I didn’t normally try and make it better with the women Pierce and I tricked. If tricked was the right word. I didn’t know why I was messing with our normal program. Maybe because this time, it didn’t seem right. Jess wasn’t like the other girls. She seemed liked she was really invested in me. Much more invested than anyone else had been. She had been really upset. Really sad. Really emotional. I had a bad feeling she was really falling for me. And that was something I didn’t want to happen. Something that would make everything a lot more complicated. As if it wasn’t already. I should have known from the moment she’d entered the apartment that day and had given me tit for tat that she was different. I’m not sure why I’d slept with her. I’m not sure why I’d gone along with the whole farce. Pierce and I were too old for this shit now. I still couldn’t quite believe she’d believed that we were related. We didn’t even look alike. And I was nowhere old enough to be Pierce’s dad. I was only seven years older than him. Granted I had a few grey hairs, but damn. What was she thinking? I just had no clue. It was almost too easy. Like taking candy from a child. Or rather, like giving candy to a child in a park and leading them off into a van. That’s what it made me feel like: dirty, manipulative and evil. I hated feeling this way. I’d never felt this way before. I don’t know if this meant I was growing a conscience that I’d never had before. I don’t know if this meant I was becoming a man with feelings. That made me cringe. I wanted neither of those things. “What’re you going to do if she asks about Linda?” “What do you mean?” I blinked at him. “I’m not hiring her again.” Pierce shook his head. “That shit cost me five hundred bucks.” “Five hundred?” I was shocked he’d paid that much just to have a fake mom at the party. “She charged me extra for sleeping over. Even though there was no sex.” “You’re the one who wanted to hire someone to play the role of your mom.” “Dude, it was classic.” Pierce started laughing. “I just wish I could have seen Jess’s face when she heard that Linda was your ex-wife and I was your son.” “I didn’t get to see it either.” I shook my head, though I had a small smirk on my face. “It would have been priceless, I’m sure.” “You know it. Shit, we should have had a video camera.” “That shit would’ve been super invasive.” I shook my head. “I never would’ve agreed to that.” I let out a huge sigh and stared at Pierce and the huge smile on his face. It made me feel sad and depressed. Had I really been as bad as him? “Stop acting like the Pope, dude.” Pierce sounded annoyed. “You got the goodies. Just move on. Why’re you dealing with this chick anymore?” “Pierce,” I snapped at him, “enough. I’m not going to explain myself to you anymore. I’m just telling you that I’m taking Jess out and I’m going to try and make this right. What we did was wrong.” “Waa waa.” Pierce rolled his eyes. “Whatever, dude. That must have been some good pussy.”

“You’re a pig,” I growled. “Yeah, I might be, but then so are you, daaaad.” He started laughing and I just walked away from him, knowing I was never going to get through to him. I didn’t even know why I was even bothering. I didn’t know where Jess and I were going to go from here and I didn’t think I could ever tell her the real truth. I didn’t think she’d ever forgive me for having tricked her this badly.

“SO THIS IS A NICE PLACE, right?” I asked her with a small smile as we sat down at our cosy corner table, the candlelight making everything seem a lot more romantic than I’d anticipated. “Yeah, it’s very nice.” Jess adjusted her tight red dress as she sat down and looked up at me with beguiling eyes. “I thought you wanted to do lunch and not dinner?” “Well, you know. This seemed to work out better,” I said smoothly, not wanting to be explicit that I thought I had a better chance of getting her back to my bed if we did dinner. Not that I was all about sex, but let’s be real. I’m still a man. “If you say so.” She laughed and licked her lips nervously. “You just want to take me to bed again.” “Would that be such a bad thing?” I grinned at her, glad she wasn’t naïve enough to not know that. And glad she was bold enough to call me out for it. “I don’t know.” She stared at me. “Alyssa, my roommate, would think so.” “I know who Alyssa is, but why would she think that?” I raised an eyebrow at her. “She doesn’t like me?” “She thinks this whole situation is super weird.” “It’s not super weird,” I lied, wondering what Alyssa would think if she knew the real truth. She’d probably kidnap Jess and never let her see me again. “Yes, it is.” She sighed and shuffled around in her seat. “It is super duper weird. I don’t even know why I agreed to come with you tonight. I must be crazy.” “Didn’t we agree that we’re both crazy together?” “Yeah, but I think I’m crazier.” “You said that, not me, remember that.” I grinned at her, happy to be here with her and to put my talk with Pierce to the side. I didn’t want to think about anything else, other than this moment. I just wanted to enjoy what we had and live for the fun we could have now. I mean, a part of me wished I could tell Jess the truth. Tell her everything that had happened from the beginning. Explain to her that I’d been playing these games for a long time. Tell her that I used to be a stupid immature frat guy. That my frat brothers and I had played stupid games for many, many years and we’d never really seen a problem with it. I just never thought it was a problem. Never had a guilty conscience about it before. But now, now everything felt different. Everything felt so much more twisted. How could I tell her that I’d been in the club that night? How could I tell her that I’d been with Pierce when he’d selected her to be the girl he went over to that night? How could I tell her that I’d told him to go for Alyssa,

but he’d thought Jess would be more of a challenge? How could I tell all of the twisted truth about the games we’d been playing with her? I just didn’t know. I just didn’t know what to say. How could I be honest about everything? She’d never talk to me. And I guess I didn’t really deserve for her to talk to me. I mean, what we’d done was horrible. I realized that now. Maybe the best thing I could do for her and for me was to get her to stop liking me. Maybe I needed to stop being so selfish. I wanted to continue to see her, how badly I wanted to see her and talk to her and watch her smiling and listen to her laughing. How badly I wanted to kiss her and hold her close to me. How badly I wanted to take her to my bed. Only, this time, I wanted it to be soft and gentle and then rough and hard and I wanted to make her scream. I wanted to hear her panting, crying out my name. I wanted to make her beg me to keep going all night long. I wanted for everything to be perfect. Only it was never going to be perfect. And if it was, it would never last. It would never last because there were already too many lies. So maybe it was better for me to just get her to hate me. I knew she was falling for me. I knew I was falling for her. But I’d already gone and fucked it up. I’d already gone and made things shitty. This was no fairytale beginning and there would certainly be no fairytale ending. If I really cared for her, I’d be an ass to keep this charade going. If I really cared for her, the best thing I could do would be to get her to hate me. I’d get her to not want to be with me. It wasn’t fair to her for her to fall deeper for me and I wasn’t sure it was fair for me to dump her, either. It just didn’t seem right. It should be her decision. That would empower her. That would allow her to move on without feeling like there was something wrong with her. “You’re supposed to say that I’m not crazy,” she said and laughed, her eyes lighting up as she gazed at me almost adoringly. I knew I was overreacting, but something about her glance made me panic. She was already in far too deep. I could already tell she had feelings. I didn’t want her to have feelings. I didn’t want to break her heart. I didn’t want to be responsible for that. “You’re not crazy.” I smiled at her and then, because I didn’t know what else to do, I looked around. I watched as two women walked past us and I smiled widely at the blonde, who was shaking her hips back and forth and giving me a winning smile. I winked at her and she played with her hair and then I turned back to Jess, who was looking at me with an uncertain smile and a slightly jealous glare. “At least that’s what I have to say, right?” “Whatever.” She looked away from me and while I felt like shit, I knew I was doing the right thing. If she wanted to think I was a pig and blatant enough to stare at other women, maybe she’d fall out of lust with me. Or whatever it was she was thinking and feeling. I didn’t know. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to know. In fact, I didn’t even want to be in this position. How had I fucked this up so royally? “It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way about someone,” I said softly, and looked at Jess, wondering what she was thinking, wanting her to hate me, but not really wanting her to. It was a really complicated situation and I wasn’t sure how to navigate it. “Uh huh.” Jess gave me a glance. “I feel like that’s something you say to everyone.” “Everyone?” I raised an eyebrow at her. “Really?”

“How am I supposed to know?” She glared at me. “I don’t really know you, do I?” “What do you want to know?” I leaned forward. “You can ask me anything.” “Like why didn’t you tell me that you were Pierce’s dad?” She rolled her eyes. “Or that you’ve been lying to me for a long time and playing me.” “I wasn’t playing you. What would you have done if you were me, Jess? How was I going to bring that up?” “You shouldn’t have flirted with me and when you saw I was reciprocating you should have told me the truth.” “Would you have still wanted to get to know me if you would’ve known the truth?” I asked softly. “Like, really? Would you have wanted to know?” “What can I say?” She sighed. “Yes, no, I don’t know. I just feel like honesty is the best policy.” “I agree it’s the best policy.” I sighed too and wondered if this was the time for me to come out with the full truth about everything. Would she really want to know the truth? Would she ever talk to me again? Would she be forgiving? I already knew the answer to that. I knew she wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me if she knew. And that made me feel sick to my stomach. I knew this would be it. And I just couldn’t have that. Not yet. Not now. I couldn’t deal with losing her. Not when I’d barely had her. I knew it was selfish of me and it wasn’t fair and it didn’t make sense. “Why did you invite me to this dinner?” She looked at me expectantly, and I wasn’t really sure what to say. “I’m not really sure,” I answered honestly. “I wanted to see you, I suppose. I wanted to make sure you were okay.” “I suppose that’s nice of you.” She made a face and we just stared at each other for a few moments, both of us wondering exactly what we were doing there. I knew that that wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear. I knew that both of us really didn’t know what we were doing there, what we wanted to happen, what we thought could happen. And at that point I didn’t care. At that point all I wanted was another opportunity to get her into my bed. “Yeah, everyone knows I’m a nice guy,” I said with a small laugh and then reached under the table and ran my hand up her leg and didn’t stop until I reached the top of her thigh. I saw her eyes widening as I ran my fingers down the middle of her legs and she gasped as I rubbed gently. “Wouldn’t you agree?” I said with a wink and licked my lips slowly as she gazed at me with desire in her eyes and she moved her body back and forth slowly.

“WHERE ARE WE GOING?” Jess giggled tipsily as we walked out of the restaurant, feeling lighthearted from copious amounts of wine and good food. “It’s a surprise.” “A surprise, huh?” She turned her head to look at me and gave me a sweet smile. There was a sparkle in her eyes that made me smile back widely at her and I wondered what I was doing. Wasn’t I

supposed to be turning her off of me? Not making her fall for me harder. “Yes, a surprise. Don’t you like surprises?” “I love surprises,” she said again and she reached over and grabbed my hand before pulling it away quickly. “Oops, sorry.” “Don’t be sorry,” I said, my heart thudding. I hadn’t held hands with a girl in years and it made me feel uncomfortable. “Come, let’s cross the street before the lights change,” I said and started jogging across the street. I watched as she ran in her heels slightly clumsily and she gasped when she met me over on the other side. “We could’ve waited for the lights to change again,” she said as she stared at me, and I looked down at her legs for a few seconds before responding. “We could have, but we didn’t,” I said with a small smile. “Now, come on, let’s go.” “I don’t even know where we’re going,” she said, pursing her lips and mumbling something under her breath. “What are you mumbling?” I asked her, and she shook her head. “Nothing.” “Uh huh.” I licked my lips. “Don’t make me spank the answer out of you.” “Spank the answer out of me?” She gave me a look and started laughing. “You wish.” “Do I really?” I asked her and stared down at her ass. “Yes.” She giggled and I reached over and grabbed her and pulled her towards me for a long, deep kiss. “Oh, Evan.” She sighed as she wrapped her arms around my neck. My hands fell to her ass and squeezed slightly and her body melted into mine. I could feel myself growing hard at the feel of her body against mine and all I wanted her to do was lift her dress up and pull her panties to the side so I could take her. I didn’t even care that we were still in the street. I didn’t care that it would be entirely inappropriate of me to do anything. Inappropriate and selfish. “What are you doing, Evan?” She wiggled against my body and I held her closer to me. “Was this the surprise?” “Do you want this to be the surprise?” I whispered against her lips, breathing her in. “Do you want me to take you right now?” “We’re in the street.” Her eyes widened. “So?” I bit down on her lower lip. “How hot would it be if I fucked you right here and now, quickly, so quickly that no one would even know? Only us.” “I’m not an exhibitionist.” She tried to step back, and I watched as she swallowed hard. “I would never do that.” “I’m sure there are many things you said you’d never do before.” I gazed into her eyes. “Like sleep with my kinda-boyfriend’s dad?” “Yeah, like that.” My heart dropped. I really didn’t want to keep that lie going anymore, but I didn’t know how to let her know the truth. “I don’t want to keep doing things I don’t think I should be doing.” She licked her lips nervously.

“Why not?” My hands slid up her waist and towards her breasts. “Because that’s not who I am.” “That’s not who I am either.” “You’re a player,” she said softly. “You’re playing games with me.” “You’re playing games with me as well.” “I don’t know what we’re doing here.” She sighed and I could see she was starting to think too much. “Neither do I, but maybe we don’t have to know.” “Yeah, maybe we don’t have to know.” She made a face. “What am I doing?” She made a moaning noise and looked up at me. “I think I might be crazy. Like certifiably crazy.” “Why?” “Because I’m here with you and I have no idea what we’re doing or what I’m doing and I just don’t know.” She groaned and licked her lips nervously again. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.” “I’m glad you’re telling me. I’m glad you’re open with me,” I told her honestly. “Why?” she asked, batting her eyelashes up at me. “I don’t know.” I sighed and then pulled away. I reached down and grabbed her hand. “Come with me, though. I want to take you somewhere.” Her hand felt small and warm in mine and I held it tighter as I led her to one of my favorite places in the city. “Where are we going?” “You’ll see,” I said as we walked. We got to the park entrance and I saw the confused look on her face as I escorted her through the gates. “We’re going to the park?” she asked me as she walked quickly. “Don’t you like feeding ducks?” I teased. “What are we going to feed the ducks?” she said slowly. “And are they even awake right now?” “Hmm, that’s a good point,” I said with a laugh. “I was going to feed you to the ducks, but maybe they’re sleeping right now.” “You were going to feed me to the ducks?” she said breathlessly. “Yeah, but I decided I wanted to have you all to myself.” “So you’re going to feed me to yourself?” she said slowly and then laughed. “Does that sentence even make sense?” “If you’re asking if I’d like to eat you, then the answer is yes, and yes it makes sense.” “Oh,” she said breathlessly, and I laughed. “Don’t worry, that’s not what’s going to happen right now, though. We’re not about to go and have orgasms in the grass, though I think that would be amazing fun.” “Evan,” she groaned. “That’s my name. Next time you say it, you’ll be screaming.” “Evan,” she said again softly and giggled. “Sorry, not screaming.”

“Funny.” I laughed. “Let’s see if you’ll be giggling later.” “Why, what’s going to be happening later?” “You’ll see,” I said and then stopped suddenly. “Okay, close your eyes now.” “Close my eyes?” She looked at me with wide eyes. “Why?” “Because…” “Because why?” “Because I said so.” “That’s not a good enough reason for me to close my eyes.” “Stop being difficult, Jess.” “I’m not being difficult.” She made a face at me. “You’re the difficult one. Tell me why I’m closing my eyes and then I’ll decide if I want to do it.” “Just trust me.” “Why should I trust you?” “Because I’m asking you to, quite nicely as well.” “And that’s a good enough reason?” “I think so? Don’t you?” “You’ve already lied to me once.” She made a face at me, and I almost laughed at the cute expression she was making. I would have laughed if the truth of the matter wasn’t that I’d actually lied to her more than once and that the biggest lie was still outstanding. How could I tell her that? I just couldn’t tell her that. “Jess, please?” “Fine. Fine. Fine.” She put her hands on her hips and glared at me. “If you dump me in any water, I will scream and never talk to you again.” “Why would I dump you in any water?” “I don’t know.” She pursed her lips. “But I know you guys. You always do dumb things.” “I’ve done plenty of dumb things in my life, yes. But I promise you that I will not be dumping you in any water tonight.” “Okay, good,” she said and then slowly closed her eyes. “Oh, my God,” she mumbled as I grabbed her hands and started guiding her slowly. “I hope I won’t regret this.” “You won’t,” I said and then started humming Frank Sinatra’s song, “Strangers in the Night”. I felt quite calm and happy, and oddly excited. I wasn’t sure why, but I was enjoying myself. I was enjoying being in this moment. And it had nothing to do with my sexual attraction to her. It had nothing to do with me wanting her. It was just that I enjoyed her company. She was a girl. And I was a boy. And we had this weird connection. And while it was definitely weird, it was unique and special and I didn’t want to question it. Or her. I just wanted to be in this moment and enjoy myself. I didn’t want to think about what was going to happen if and when she found out the truth. I knew I was going back and forth on what I should expect from her and how I should treat her, but I couldn’t stop myself. While I knew the best thing for her would be to forget me, I also knew I didn’t want to just give her up that

easily. It was too hard. It wasn’t something I wanted to do. I just didn’t know how to continue in this situation. I didn’t want to be selfish and hurt her, but I also just couldn’t give her up. She was like a drug to me. She was something I was already craving. I needed for her to be some part of my life. In this moment. Just until I’d had enough of her. Once I’d had enough of her, then I could give her up and everything would be okay. I just wasn’t sure if that meant both of us would be devastated by the end. I knew I was a horrible man. I knew that in every fiber of my being. However, I just didn’t know how to not be that man. I’d been him for all of my life. “You can open your eyes now,” I said as we reached the swings that overlooked one of the ponds in the park. “I can barely see,” she said as she blinked and her eyes adjusted to the darkness. “Oh, the swings?” “Yeah, do you like swings?” I asked, not sure what she would think about them. “Yeah, swings are fun.” She looked at me and gave me a small smile. “Alyssa and I actually like to go swinging late at night for fun.” “Really?” I said with a small smile. “Yeah, it’s fun. Exhilarating. There’s a swing in Ecuador, where you’re actually swinging over the city. We’d love to go there one day.” “I think I’ve heard of it.” I nodded as we got on to the swings. “Yeah, it looks super scary, but really cool as well,” she said as she started gaining momentum and moving back and forth faster, her hair and skirt flying in the wind as she started moving higher and higher. “Yeah, that would be super cool.” “Did you know there are eight thousand stars in the sky right now?” Jess said breathlessly as she swung back and forth on the swing. “Exactly eight thousand?” I said teasingly as I glanced over at her. “Yes, exactly eight thousand.” She laughed. “How do you know there are exactly eight thousand stars?” “Because I counted them all.” She giggled, the sound making me feel warm inside. “That’s a lot of counting,” I said with a smirk. “Did you think I couldn’t count that high?” “I don’t know what to think.” I laughed as she scrunched up her face in the moonlight. “You’re mean,” she said as she continued swinging higher and higher and laughed. “I feel like I’m flying right now.” “So you’re having fun?” I said hopefully, wondering if she was really enjoying the simple pleasure of swinging on the swing. “Yes,” she said simply. “I am.” “I’m glad,” I said as I kicked my legs out and stared at the stars in the sky, while we swung in companionable silence and synchronization. I stared up at the moon and wondered if Neil Armstrong had gazed down at Earth and wondered what the billions of human beings were doing and thinking as

he walked on the moon. “You know what I think about sometimes?” Jess interrupted my thoughts, her voice soft as her hair flapped in the wind. “No, what do you think about sometimes?” I asked her curiously. “I wonder if there’s a God and if he’s looking at me and wondering what I’m doing with my life.” “What do you think the answer is?” I asked her curiously. “I mean, I don’t really know,” she said. “But I’d like to think that there is. I’d like to think that he’s watching over me, guarding me, protecting me.” “Yeah, that’s a nice thought to have.” “You’re not a believer?” She glanced over at me as she swayed back and forth, her voice carrying in the wind. “I don’t know if I believe,” I said honestly. “I have many different thoughts in my mind.” “Good thoughts or bad thoughts?” “Both.” “I see,” she said, and I watched as she started slowing herself on the swing. “You see and know a lot tonight.” “What can I say? I’m a naturally inquisitive person.” “Sure sounds like you are,” I said and started to slow my swing down as well. “That’s really good,” I continued. “I like people who question life.” “Thanks, pops,” she said and then looked at me. “Oops, that’s kind of awkward.” “Only if you want it to be awkward,” I said with a small smile. If only she knew that I was a lot closer in age to her than she thought. “I don’t want it be awkward.” She groaned. “I think you’re the one who made it awkward by being Pierce’s dad.” “You can always call me big daddy if you want.” “Evan, that’s gross.” “Oh, just daddy.” I laughed. “You could scream out ‘go, daddy, go’.” “You’re sick, you know that, right?” Her voice sounded shocked. “That’s not even funny.” “Not even a little bit?” I laughed, knowing that she probably thought I was some sort of pervert with all the daddy jokes; especially because she thought I was actually the daddy. I was definitely going to go to hell and there was going to be no return ticket back. “Not even a little bit.” “Fuck me harder, daddy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah,” I said loudly, and she screamed. “You’re such a pervert, Evan. That is absolutely disgusting.” “Aww, man, are you calling me a pervert?” I put on a sad voice. “What do you think? I think your comments are highly inappropriate.” Jess didn’t sound pleased. “I was joking,” I said and even though I wanted to make another daddy joke, I kept it inside, knowing she really wouldn’t appreciate it.

“Uh huh,” she said. “I mean, you can call me whatever you want in the bedroom. I won’t judge you.” “Evan,” She groaned. “That’s my name and you can’t wear it out.” “You’re so immature. Sometimes I find it really hard to believe that you’re a dad.” “Oh, yeah?” I said softly. That’s because I’m not, I thought in my head, wishing I could tell her. Wishing she would just figure it out. Wishing we could joke about it, like some sort of prolonged really bad April Fool joke. “Yeah,” she sighed. “But I guess I’m the idiot for not figuring it out.” “You’re not an idiot,” I said softly and looked back at the sky, wondering how we were ever going to get out of this situation. “What are you thinking about?” Jess asked me quietly after a few minutes of silence. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?” I responded to her, not wanting to tell her that I was thinking about her. “Don’t deflect,” she said. “You do that a lot, or try and make a joke out of a situation or try and tease me.” “You don’t like me teasing you?” I asked. “Would you prefer that I tickle you instead?” “Evan,” she sighed. “Jess,” I sighed, mimicking her. “Evan, come on.” “Jess, come on.” “Evan!” “Jess!” “Stop it.” “Stop it,” I responded and laughed. “You’re such a child.” She huffed. “You’re such a child.” I huffed back and watched as she jumped off of her swing. “Where are you going?” I jumped off of my swing and followed behind her. “I’m going home. If you’re not going to have a proper conversation with me, then why should I bother sitting here, playing these games?” “What games?” “Evan, I thought the whole point of us getting together tonight was to discuss what was going on and see where this could go?” Her voice trailed off. “Well, not where this could go, but exactly what we have between us. Not that we have anything, but you know what I mean.” “What do you want to talk about?” I asked her seriously, standing in front of her, my heart beating quickly. I didn’t want to hurt her. I really didn’t want to hurt her. That’s all I knew. Even if that meant hurting myself. Even if it meant hurting her a little bit. I didn’t want to break her heart. I didn’t want her to fall for me more than she already had. I didn’t want to cause heartache. I needed to remember

that. I needed to remember that as much as I wanted her. And needed her. And wanted to see where this could go, I needed to think of her first. I’d already played her too much. I didn’t want to be the reason for heartache and tears. I couldn’t be. I didn’t want to be. It wasn’t fair. My heart wouldn’t allow that. Not when she was standing here, big wide brown eyes in front of me, looking deep into my soul, wanting answers to questions she was too afraid to ask. Her lips were quivering slightly, waiting to be kissed. Her fingers were trembling, waiting to be held. She was looking up at me with hope in her eyes, and I could feel my heart dropping into my stomach. I didn’t know what to do. I just didn’t know what to do. I was already in too deep. We were both in too deep. There was going to be no way we could extricate ourselves from this moment without any pain. It was already too late for that.

“WE CAN’T GO BACK to Pierce’s,” Jess said breathlessly as we walked along the empty streets, hand-inhand. “Why not?” I said. “He’s out of town.” “It just doesn’t seem right.” “Well, we can talk there. I thought you wanted to talk. Unless you want to go back to your place.” “No, we shouldn’t go back to my place,” she said quickly. “Alyssa is home.” “And she doesn’t like me, huh?” I sighed. “No, she doesn’t…well, I don’t know that she doesn’t like you, per se,” she said quickly. “She doesn’t like me.” I laughed and shook my head. “I can’t blame her.” “Fine, we can go back to Pierce’s. It just feels weird.” She made a face, and I squeezed her hand. “It’s okay. I do think you should break things off with Pierce, though.” “I mean, as far as I was concerned it was already over,” she said. “Not that I felt we really had much. Gosh, you must think I’m a horrible person.” “I think I’m not really the person who could think that, right?” I said softly. “So exactly what are we going to talk about when we get to Pierce’s?” she asked and glanced over at me. “Whatever you want,” I said, though my plan wasn’t really to do much talking. “Okay,” she said, and I could tell that that wasn’t the answer she’d been expecting. It wasn’t really the answer I’d been thinking I was going to give, either, but I was all over the place and I didn’t really know what to do or say in this instance. I didn’t know how to act or what to say to make everything better for both of us.

“I JUST WANT to kiss you,” I said as we sat on the couch, beers in hand. “Okay.” She glanced at me. “Can I?” I looked at her lips.

“I’m surprised you’re asking,” she said as she took a swig of her beer. “You don’t normally ask.” “Well, I thought I’d be a gentleman today.” “Wow, I didn’t know you had that in you,” she said with a giggle as she looked up at me under her lashes. “I didn’t know I had it in me either,” I said and took a swig of my beer. “I guess for the right woman, any man can be a gentleman.” “Oh.” She glanced at me. “Am I the right woman?” “I don’t know, are you?” I said with a small smile. “Who knows?” She took another swig of beer and I reached over and grabbed it from her and placed it on the coffee table in front of us. Then I took my beer and placed it on the table as well. “I guess neither one of us,” I said softly as I leaned forward to kiss her. “But that’s a worry for another time.” “Oh?” “Yeah,” I said softly. “Right now I just want to feel your soft lips on mine.” “Oh?” she said and gazed at me. “Yeah.” I leaned back and winked at her. “Or somewhere else. Your pick.” “My pick?” She glanced at me with a small frown. “What do you mean somewhere else?” She stared at me for a few seconds and then shook her head. “You’re a pervert.” “Thank you.” I grinned at her and adjusted my growing package. “What can I say? You make me feel good—or ‘hard’ might be a better word.” “Evan.” “Jess.” “Oh, my gosh, you’re not going to start that again, are you?” “Start what again?” I looked at her with a blank face. “Nothing.” She shook her head and I could see the uncertainty in her eyes. I leaned forward and pressed my lips hard against her and pushed my tongue into her mouth. She ran her hands through my hair and pulled slightly on my locks, and I ran my hands to her breasts and pinched her nipples lightly. “Oh, Evan.” “You can say it a little louder if you want to.” “I don’t want to.” She squealed as my fingers reached down to her thighs and up inside her dress and towards her panties. “I want you to,” I growled against her lips. “I want you to be as loud as you can be.” “I’m not loud.” She moaned as my fingers slipped inside of her panties, and she shifted on the couch. “Evan.” She sighed and gripped her legs together. “Yes, Jess?” I moved my lips towards her neck and bit down and sucked. “What do you want me to do, Jess?” “Evan.” She closed her eyes and rested her head back, her hands now on my back, fingers digging into my skin.

“Tell me what you want me to do, Jess?” “Don’t stop.” She moaned as I started to move my fingers away. “Just don’t stop.” “Don’t worry, I have no plans on stopping,” I said, moving my lips toward her ear and blowing into it softly before putting my tongue in her ear and then nibbling on her earlobes. “I’m not going to stop until you scream my name out in ecstasy.” “You’d stop then?” She looked confused. “No, that’s just when I’ll really get started.” I laughed and moved back slightly. “Now stand up, quickly, I want to take your dress off.” “So bossy,” she said as she stood up. “Isn’t that what you love about me?” I paused. “Not love-love, of course, but sexy-love.” “Sexy-love?” She stared at me as I pulled her dress off of her and undid her bra. “You know what I mean,” I said as I pulled my shirt off and threw it onto the floor.” “Not really,” she said and sighed. “We didn’t even talk yet.” “We can stop and talk first if you want.” “You know that’s not what I want right now.” She gave me a small shy look as I played with her breasts. “You think you’re so clever, don’t you?” “I don’t know that I think I’m clever.” I laughed. “I know it.” “With old age comes wisdom, huh?” She laughed. “You should know. What do you think?” “I think you need to stop talking and start doing.” “You don’t have to say that to me twice,” I said as I unbuckled my pants and pulled them down. “You want to take my boxers off?” I grinned at her as I stood there in front of us, both of us just in our underwear. I stared at her breasts, wanting to reach over and suck on them but not wanting to rush the night. I wanted to go slowly. I wanted to tantalize her body. I wanted to have her every nerve ending wanting and waiting to see what I was going to do next. I wanted her to beg me to finally take her. I wanted her to have the best orgasm of her life. I wanted this to be the night of her life. I wanted to be ingrained in her brain and body forever. “Do you want me to take your boxers off?” she asked me with a shy smile. “Very much so,” I said and stepped towards her. “Okay then,” she said, and I watched as she stepped forward and stopped right in front of me, looking up at me with a small smile as her hands fell to the top of my boxers and gripped the elastic. “I’m going to do it.” “Good, do it. I’m waiting.” I held my breath in anticipation. “I’m doing it,” she said. And then I felt her tugging my boxers down quickly. I lifted up my right leg and then my left leg and stepped out of them quickly, my cock standing to attention. “Someone is happy to see me.” “Very happy. Would be even happier to touch you.” “Or for me to touch it, I’m betting?” she asked me with a small smile.

“Well, if you want to.” “Depends on what you want.” “I want it all,” I said as I gazed at her body. “I want all of you.” “And I, want all of you,” she said and then she dropped to her knees and took me into her mouth, and I felt like I had been transported to heaven. I knew I shouldn’t be in this moment as much as I was, but I just couldn’t stop myself. Not when it felt this good being with her.

CHAPTER 19

J ess

"We need to come to an understanding," he said as he got ready to catch a cab. It had been two weeks since our dinner and we’d just had a nice lunch together, and even though I didn’t really know where anything was going between us, I was still fairly content in that he seemed interested in seeing me. Even if ‘seeing me’ meant that he mainly just wanted to have sex. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but I knew I just had to accept what he was willing to give me at this point in time. I couldn’t make it something it wasn’t, no matter how badly I wanted to do so. No matter that at the back of my mind, I somehow still felt like I was being used. "An understanding?" I glanced at him and his cocky smile, and frowned. "An understanding about what?" My heart thudded as I gazed at him, wondering what he was going to say. Could he tell I was developing feelings for him? Could he tell I was hoping for something more? "An understanding about what this is and what this isn't." "Uhm, okay?" I tried not to roll my eyes at him. I tried to ignore the sinking feeling in my heart and the sudden heaviness in my stomach and eyes as I looked at him. "I don't want you getting the wrong idea." "Who said I had any ideas in my head in the first place?" I lied, my throat swelling up and my face starting to feel warm. I felt as if tears were welling up in my eyes. I felt as if I wanted to just crawl away from him. My back started to ache on the right side and I looked away from him. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to keep it together. "I don't want you falling in love with me," he said, his voice stiff and his eyes serious and intense. Once again, I felt my heart dropping. "Falling in love with you?" I scoffed and stared at his lips, my heart pounding like it was going to jump out of my chest. I didn’t want to feel this way and I didn’t want to cry. I just wanted to call Alyssa, but I knew she would have no sympathy for me. How could she? She’d already warned me to stay away from him. And I hadn’t listened. I’d made my bed and now I was lying in it. I was in the exact sort of situation that I’d never wanted to find myself in. "I'm not the sort of guy you should fall in love with." His eyes narrowed and his lips thinned. I didn’t understand why he was telling me this now. We’d just had a great lunch. We’d been having a

great week. Well, kind of. It wasn’t everything I’d hoped it would be. It still felt slightly awkward. "I gathered that already, trust me." "Oh, really?" He paused, his face stilling as he gazed into my eyes intently. "How did you gather that?" "What do you care?" I shrugged and looked away from him. His blue eyes were making my heart race too erratically and I could feel my body growing warm. "I was just curious." He stepped closer to me and I could feel his body heat bouncing off of me. And it made me just want to have the ground swallow up and die. Or touch him. I just wanted to reach out to touch him. I wanted him to grab me, pull me into his arms and tell me that he was just joking. I wanted him to tell me he loved me. I wanted him to tell me that he was just joking and that he hoped I was falling in love with him as well. I wanted him to tell me that from the first moment he’d met me, he’d known I was the one. I wanted the fairytale and I didn’t even know why I wanted that. Or why I thought he could give it to me. I didn’t know why I cared so much. Didn’t know why I’d let myself fall in love with a man who was everything I shouldn’t want in a man. What had he shown me or done for me that made me think he could be the keeper of my heart? I was a dumbass. A real dumbass. And it made me hate myself. Really, really hate myself. "Curiosity killed the cat," I said, stopping myself from moving back and away from him. I didn't want to let him see how much he affected me. How much he made me want to retreat. How much he was hurting my feelings right now. I didn’t want him to see how badly I wanted to cry. "I just want to make sure you don't fall too hard for me," he said, staring at my lips, and I swallowed. Please don’t cry, Jess, please don’t cry. That’s all I could think to myself. Please don’t cry. "My concern is that you don't fall too hard for me," I said so quietly that it was almost a whisper. Why can’t you feel the same thing for me that I feel for you? How was it possible for me to feel so much so quickly, and for him to seemingly feel nothing? How was it possible for me to feel such a connection? I didn’t understand how he could stare into my eyes and into my soul and yet not feel the same pangs of love and adoration that I felt. How was it possible for him to be in my mind all the time? How was it possible for me to want to spend every second with him? How was it possible that he never wanted to spend that much time with me? "Oh?" He frowned. "Yeah, I don't want you to fall in love with me," I lied. "I don't want you to get hurt." I want you to be as hurt as I am right now. I want you to feel the pain in your soul that I feel in mine. I knew that was wrong of me. But I just wanted him to feel. I just wanted him to know that he was putting me through hell. And I didn’t even know that he knew what that felt like. I didn’t even know if he knew what it felt like to think of someone all the time. A part of me felt like I was possessed by thoughts of him. A part of me felt like he was a part of my body. A part of me felt like he was in my soul in my mind. And I hated it. I hated feeling like he was all I could think about. I hated thinking I would never get him out of my system. Because he was a part of my soul and body, and just being around him made me feel happy. Just being around him made me feel like everything was going to be right in the world. He

made me think everything in life was going to be fine. No matter how sad or upset I was. No matter how badly my day had gone. Just seeing his smile made me feel like everything was great. I saw birds in the sky, I saw butterflies flying. I saw the sun shining on grey days. Everything was good. And when he wasn’t around, I felt deep, dark, soulless. And I cried. I cried so many tears that I thought I was going to die. And I knew it didn’t make sense. I knew it didn’t make sense that not being with him made me feel such withdrawal. And it pained me to think of a day when I wouldn’t be with him. We weren’t an official couple. And he had never told me he liked me a lot or loved me or that he wanted anything from me. We’d never mentioned being a couple. Here I was dreaming of a day when we would be together forever, and here he was telling me not to get too close to him. It was killing me inside. Literally killing me and I had no idea what to do. I had no idea how to feel and I was scared I never would be able to get over him. And I had no one to talk to about it. No one who would understand just how much I loved him. How could I love a man so much who had never given me anything? How could I love a man who didn’t want me as I wanted him? I just didn’t understand it. "Hurt?" He licked his lips slowly and I could tell he was taken aback by my words. "Yeah, when you realize you can't live without me." I paused. "I'd hate to break your heart when I walk away." Which was a lie. I did want to break his heart. I wanted him to realize I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. I wanted him to know I’d had to walk away because he had made me. I wanted him to regret everything. I wanted him to wish he’d never had this conversation with me. How could he bring up these words to me? How could he hurt me like this and look so nonchalant as he did it? How could he look at other women? How could he talk to other women? How could he flirt with other women? With me there? Was he trying to hurt me? Did he not care about my feelings? I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t enough. I didn’t understand what I had to do. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t feel the same way as me. I’d recently started praying again. I’d started praying that he’d wake up one day and realize he was being a fool. I prayed with everything in my power that he could just love me as much as I loved him. And some days, some days, when his eyes lit up when he saw me, I really thought he felt the same way. I really thought today was going to be the day. I really thought that somehow it had clicked in him. How could he not feel what we had between us was real? How could he not know? I stood there in front of him and I felt like I just wanted to fall onto the ground and cry. I wanted to grab his legs. I wanted to hold him so he couldn’t go away. I wanted to tell him, to beg him, to please love me. To ask him why he didn’t. I knew it was pitiful. I knew I was pitiful. I knew everything I was feeling inside made me a loser. And I hated that about myself. Because I knew what Alyssa had said was right: he didn’t care about me, not in that way. He never was going to care about me in that way. And all I had was more heartache coming. With every day that I had hope, all I was doing was letting more heartache in, letting more pain in. "Walk away?" His fingers touched my chin and pushed my face up so that I was staring into his eyes again. "Why would you walk away?" His face looked uncertain, not as confident and arrogant as before, and my stomach flipped as I gazed into his eyes, my face hot and nerves whirling in my stomach.

"Why do you think?" I licked my lips nervously. Please tell me you love me. Please tell me you don’t want me to walk away. Please. Please. If there is a God. If there is a God, he will love me. He will tell me now. He will profess his love to me and everything will be okay. We will be okay. I will be okay. I will laugh about this. About everything. It will be a story to tell our kids. It will have been worth it. It would all have been worth it. "Because you love me too much?" He almost grunted, and I started laughing. Not because I thought he was funny or because I thought it was funny, but because it was so close to the truth and I didn't want him to know. I didn't want him to know that this conversation was already too late. I didn't want him to know that I loved him. I didn't want him to know I already knew that whenever whatever we had was ended I was going to be heartbroken. He couldn't know. I was too proud for that. I started laughing so that I wouldn’t start crying. Because I knew if I started crying, it would be all over and he would think I was a psychopath. Or just crazy in the head. Which I was already starting to think was true. "That's funny." I shook my head and smiled widely, pretending a nonchalance I didn't feel. "We don't need to come to an understanding because there is no worry about me falling for you and expecting too much." I reached over and touched his chest. "If anyone should be worried, it's you. Because when I walk away, you're going to realize that I was the best thing you ever had." He grabbed my hand and held it to his chest for a few seconds and then sighed lightly. "Don't play with fire, Jess." He leaned forward and whispered in my ear. "One of us is going to get burned and it sure as hell isn't going to be me." "It's not going to be me, either," I said emphatically as I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. "I'm not going to fall in love with you." "Good," he said as he stared at me and everything in his face told me that he didn't really feel that way. Everything in his face told me that he was hurt and that just confused me even more. It confused me because I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I was going to continue like this. If he was my Mr. Right, it shouldn’t be this hard. Should it?

“SO ALYSSA WON’T BE BACK for a few days,” I said as we sat on the couch in my living room. “You can stay over if you want.” “Thanks,” he said, not looking up from his phone. I sat next to him, willing myself to not look down at his phone. I didn’t want to be nosey and I didn’t want to make myself upset, but he had been texting for the last hour with someone and barely looking at me, and it was driving me crazy. “So are you going to stay over?” I asked feebly. “I thought maybe we could go to this cool brunch place in the morning. This place called ‘Mama’s on Washington’.” “Eh, don’t think I can stay over.” He looked up at me and shrugged. “But thanks.” “Oh, okay,” I said, feeling disappointed, and I glanced down at his phone screen. My heart dropped as I saw a photo on the screen of some beautiful woman and a bunch of texts back and forth

between the two of them. I tried to look away from the screen, but I couldn’t stop myself from reading his last message to her. “Beautiful photo, thanks for sharing.” My heart sank. And I could feel the stirrings of jealousy in my soul. I looked away from the phone, wanting to make a comment to him but not knowing what to say. What could I say? Did I have a right to say anything? I looked back down at the screen and read some of the other messages. “Busy tonight, but maybe tomorrow?” Was the message before the photo? “Maybe this will make you change your mind,” was the message that accompanied the photo she’d sent him. I tried not to stare at her face and her body. She was young and beautiful. Really, really beautiful. I couldn’t stop myself from staring. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling inadequate. Maybe this was why he didn’t love me. I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t enough. I was never going to be enough. No matter what I did. No matter what I said. It was obvious to me in that moment that nothing was going to change. Ever. He wasn’t going to wake up and tell himself he was in love with me. That was never going to happen. It wasn’t suddenly going to hit him, like it did in the movies. The movies weren’t reality. He just wasn’t that into me. He didn’t care. He didn’t care at all. He didn’t love me. He never would. He’d been sitting here with me, laughing and texting back and forth with some hot girl. Basically flaunting it in my face. Like he didn’t care at all. He didn’t care if I saw. Maybe he was doing it on purpose. Maybe he wanted to make it clear to me that I knew he didn’t care. He wanted to make sure I didn’t fall in love with him. He wanted to make sure I knew he could do better and he was and that I meant nothing to him. I sat back in the couch and closed my eyes, trying to breathe deeply and not cry. All I could see was the girl’s face in my mind. All I could think about was them kissing. Him touching her. Him wanting her. Him thinking about her. Him staring at her in wonder. Him telling her he loved her. Him thinking she was everything. Him just thinking she was everything I wasn’t. Because obviously she was everything I wasn’t. She was the one he wanted. She was the one he cared about. And why wouldn’t he? She was gorgeous. She looked sexy as hell. I bet she didn’t have any insecurities. I mean, any girl who could send a photo like that of herself didn’t have any insecurities. She was everything a man could want. Unlike me. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Evan touched me lightly on the shoulder and I looked over at him. “Nothing, why?” “You went quiet.” His eyes looked down at my face and he looked concerned. “I’m fine.” I shrugged. “I didn’t have much to say. You were busy texting.” “I’m sorry I can’t stay over tonight. I have things to do.” “Yeah, I’m sure.” “Sorry, I’m a busy guy.” He looked annoyed. “I can’t be with you all the time.” “I don’t expect you to be with me all the time. I barely see you.” “I see you a lot. I probably see you more than I see most other people.” “Cool,” I said and looked away from him. “I told you not to get too invested in me, Jess.” He sighed. “I give you as much as I can.” “I know and I’m not.” I jumped up off of the couch. “Do you want a drink? I’m going to the kitchen now.”

“No, I’m good.” He shook his head and I could feel his eyes on me as I walked out of the room. I tried not to cry as I reached the kitchen. I tried not to break down. It was my own fault that I was hurt. It wasn’t like we’d had a great start. I’d never thought he was some great guy. I should have known that everything was going to be complicated. I mean, yes, it had been fun for a bit, but really what did that mean? I should have known nothing fun and exciting lasts for long. I mean, why would it? This is life and my life has never gone smoothly. And it’s not Evan’s fault I had fallen for him hook, line, and sinker. It wasn’t his fault he was all I could think about. It wasn’t his fault I now noticed all of the women that he hit on every time we were out. It was like bloody clockwork. Every time a girl walked by, his eyes would rush to them so he could check them out. Every single time. It didn’t matter what the girl looked like, but the prettier they were the longer his eyes would remain on them, and then he would look back at me like it was nothing, like he wasn’t ripping my heart. Like I wasn’t jealous of every single girl that he checked out. I pretended it didn’t make me feel inferior. I pretended jealousy didn’t strike through my heart every single time. It was my own fault. I deserved to be jealous and upset and insecure after what I’d done. I’d slept with my boyfriend’s dad. I mean, it wasn’t like I’d known at the time. It wasn’t like I’d known anything. But that didn’t excuse it. Because I had thought that Evan was Pierce’s friend and so even if I hadn’t known their exact relationship, I did know they knew each other. And even if they hadn’t known each other, it still would have been shady. I mean technically I cheated on my boyfriend, even though I’d never personally cared for Pierce in that way and hadn’t really considered him my boyfriend. I mean technically that didn’t count because I’d never alerted Pierce to that fact. And now here I was, scorned by Pierce and dating a man who drove me crazy and I couldn’t even say anything because I didn’t want him to think I was crazy. He hadn’t promised me anything. In fact our whole dynamic had been built upon a dangerous flirtation. Maybe he wasn’t even interested now that he had me and that danger was gone. Though it surprised me that he’d been willing to go through all of this just for some sex. I mean, I’d been his son’s girlfriend. In reality he was really the shady one. Though in reality he was the one I wanted. Badly. I think I know the exact moment I lost the upper hand in the relationship. I know the exact moment I realized that perhaps I wasn’t going to have a fairytale ending. It was really a simple thing. It shouldn’t have meant anything, but it did. It was when I saw him using a new handkerchief. I’d noticed that he’d been using the one he’d taken from me in our first meeting consistently. Every single time I saw him, he had that handkerchief. It symbolized something to me, made me think that perhaps I was someone special. And then, then one day I noticed him using a different handkerchief, one that had his initials monogrammed in navy blue in the corners. And when I saw that, my heart dropped. It dropped into my stomach and I knew then that I was much more invested in this whole thing than he was. I knew then that he meant something really special to me. Who knew that a handkerchief could make me feel so much? It was so hard for me to understand why he had stopped using the handkerchief I’d given him. But now I realized that it hadn’t meant anything in the first place. Much like everything else. I had built it all up in my head. All in my head. And now I was driving myself crazy. Because I was crazy. I was an idiot. And now I was paying the price.

“T HANKS FOR MAKING DINNER. It’s delicious.” Evan’s face looked relaxed as he ate the lasagna I’d made. I wondered if he’s just counting down the hours until he can leave and go and be with the other woman. I wanted to ask him why he’s here. What he wants from me. Why he’s playing me. But I don’t. “Glad you like it.” “It’s great. Maybe one of the best lasagna’s I’ve ever had.” “That sounds like a lie.” I laughed, though the comment warmed me. I wish now that the saying about food being the way to a man’s heart was true. “Would I lie?” He says as he stuffs another forkful into his mouth. “Actually don’t answer that.” I stare at for a few seconds wanting to ask him what he wants from me. And what he wants me to say? What does he want from us spending time together? But I don’t. I’m scared of the answer. I’m scared that it’ll confirm to me that I should walk away. And I’m scared because I don’t think that I can. “What no answer?” he said and then I watched as he put his fork down on his plate and cleared his throat. I stared at him, with my eyes burning into his. My stomach started to do flip-flops and I could feel myself growing cold. Colder than I’d ever been before in my life. There’s a cold before the heat. There’s a heat before the burning. And then it all goes cold again. My body changes temperatures and I feel numb. He’s sitting across the table from me and all I can think about is the fact that he doesn’t love me like I love him. In fact, he doesn’t care at all. I know he doesn’t care. I know he will never care. I know that my heart is destined to remain broken forever and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this feeling. I don’t feel like there will ever be a brighter day. I feel as if I’m going to be forever broken and I don’t know how to get over it. He’s the love of my life. When I look into his eyes, I feel at home, I feel a sense of kinship. I feel something that I’ve never felt before. Yet, somehow he doesn’t seem to feel it. He doesn’t get it. Or me. He will never get me or love me the way I love him and that makes me doubt absolutely everything about myself. There are days I wake up and I just want to die. There are days that I feel I will never be able to live the life I want if he can’t reciprocate my feelings. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense to me. He’s all I’ve ever prayed for. He’s all I’ve ever wanted, and yet, it’s not enough. I’m not enough. Sitting across the table from him, pretending that I’m okay, is killer. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to shed so many tears. It makes me want to beg him, plead with him, grab him. I just want to know why? I just want to understand. I know the only way I’m going to get over this and him is to cut him out of my life completely. I know the only way my heart will heal will be if I never see him again. I can’t see him. I can’t touch him. I can’t smell him. I can’t talk to him. It’s all too much. It’s too hard. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to survive without him in my life, but I don’t know if I can keep on living like this, with him dictating every emotion in my body. “What are you thinking about?” His words interrupt my thoughts and I look up at him with a small smile. “Not much, you?” I said, hoping my voice wasn’t going to crack. “Just waiting to see what you

were going to say.” “Just thinking about how I’d love to take a trip somewhere.” “Oh?” I said, wondering if he was going to mention taking me on the trip with him. I could feel my heart starting to rise. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the moment. “Yeah, I feel like I need a break.” He nodded. “Someplace for me to just relax.” He grinned. “A relaxation vacation.” “Aww, I see. Sounds nice.” My heart dropped again. It didn’t seem like he was making a suggestion for the both of us. “Yeah.” He nodded again. “You should try it sometime. You might find you like it as well. Might make you feel less stressed out.” “Yeah, I will,” I said, trying to look normal. “I’m not stressed out, by the way.” “Well, you seem to be stressed out.” He gave me a look. “Maybe a vacation will do you good.” “Yeah,” I snapped, “I will think about it.” I was starting to feel angry, at both him and myself for letting him put me through this. “Hey, no need to snap my head off.” “I’m not. It’s fine. I’m just tired. Maybe you should go soon.” “Are you asking me to leave?” “Yeah, I kinda am,” I said, looking away from him, starting to feel cold again. I didn’t want to feel this feeling. I didn’t want to feel this hurt. I didn’t want to feel this emptiness. I was sitting here with him, but I felt like I was alone. I felt like I was the most alone I’d ever been in my life. So, so alone. I just wanted him to leave so I could go to my room, lock the door, and cry my eyes out. I had to not see him anymore. I had to cut him out of my life for good. I felt a stabbing in my gut at the thought. How was I going to do this? It would be like ripping a piece of myself out. I didn’t know if I could do it. I didn’t know if I could, but I knew I had to. I couldn’t live like this anymore. I couldn’t continue staring into his big blue eyes and wishing he would feel something different for me. It was never going to change. And I was fool for thinking it would. I was a fool for thinking I would ever mean anything real to him. “Are you upset with me?” “No, why would I be upset?” I just stared at him blankly. “If this isn’t working out for you…” His voice trailed off and he looked at me uncomfortably. “Is it working out for you?” “Do you regret dumping Pierce for me?” “What do you think?” I snapped, annoyed, wondering if it was always going to come back to Pierce. “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “But you seem unhappy with me.” “My being unhappy has nothing to do with Pierce.” I sighed, my voice getting louder. Was he being deliberately obtuse? “Do we have an underlying issue here?” He pursed his lips and his eyes narrowed as he looked at

me. I could feel my body alternating between hot and cold. Did he really not get it? “If we do, maybe we need to change something,” he continued. “Change what?” I could hear the slight panic in my voice. “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “But you want me to leave?” “I don’t get you, Evan. I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know how you feel. I don’t know what this is.” “Do you think I’m leading you on?” he said, his eyes boring into mine in a cold way. “Do you think I’m playing with your feelings?” “No.” My face went bright red and felt incredibly hot. “Because I don’t want you to think that. You know where I’m coming from.” His voice sounded cold and mean, and I was starting to feel hate towards him. “I know where you’re coming from and I know where I’m coming from,” I said. “This is just for fun, I know that.” “Do you really, though?” His eyes searched mine and his face looked slightly red. “Yes.” I bit down on my lower lip and looked away for a few seconds. I didn’t understand how we could go from loving to contentious in mere hours. I didn’t understand the game he was playing with me. “Look, I have to go.” He looked at his watch. “I have plans tonight.” “Sure you do.” I stood up and walked towards the doorway. “Bye.” “Really, Jess?” He walked over to me and stopped. “It’s going to be like this?” “Just go,” I said as I walked to the front door. I could hear him walking behind me, but he didn’t say anything. “Just tell me one thing,” I said to him as I opened the front door. “Yes?” His face looked sad, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to hold my tears back for another second. “Have you been going on dates while you’ve been seeing me?” I asked softly. “And are you going on a date tonight?” “What are you talking about?” he asked, sounding annoyed. “I looked at your phone when you were texting today. I saw the screen. I saw the photo. I saw the text.” I shrugged. “You invaded my privacy?” “Not on purpose.” I shook my head. “You were in my personal space and you read my personal text messages?” he snapped. “It wasn’t like that.” I shook my head. “You’re twisting it.” “I don’t appreciate you in my space and business, Jess.” He sounded angry. “Really? You’re going to twist this on me and make this my fault?” My jaw fell open. “Are you joking?” “What do you want me to say?” “Answer my question,” I snapped. “Are you dating other women?”

“We’re not dating, Jess,” he said in an angry voice. “I can do what I want. But to answer your question, yes, I have been on dates.” “I see.” I stared at him, all blood draining from my face, all emotion leaving my heart and I felt like I just wanted to die. Having it all confirmed made me feel sick to my stomach. I truly was a fool. “You should be dating as well,” he said as he looked at me. “Go on lots and lots of dates.” “I’m going to. I’m going to go on plenty of dates and I hope to meet a nice guy,” I said, my heart breaking. “Bye.” I stared at him and then the doorway. “Bye,” he said slowly as he walked through the door. I slammed it behind him and ran to my bedroom, fell on my bed and started crying immediately. I couldn’t believe the words he had said to me and how shitty he had made me feel. Worse than that was the fact that he didn’t even seem to care that he’d been cutting and hurtful. He didn’t seem to care that he was breaking my heart. How could he so nonchalantly tell me to date other guys? I hated him. Absolutely hated him. I whipped out my phone and sent him a long text message. I hate you. I never want to see you again. I don’t consider you a good friend. Or a possible boyfriend. You don’t deserve to be in my life. I’m over this bullshit. I’ve wasted my energy investing in this situation. I’ve been an idiot. I hate you so much. I’m done. I pressed send and then cried into my pillow some more. I kept pressing my phone to see if he’d responded, but there was no reply. That made me angrier and even more hurt and I threw my phone across the room and heard it slam into the wall before it crashed to the floor. I grabbed my pillow to my face and sobbed harder, feeling like my heart was being wrenched out of my chest. I heard a beep from my phone and jumped up off the bed, my heart racing as I went to check my messages, praying it was from him. Praying that my messages had scared him to his senses. Praying that now he would say he was sorry. That he didn’t want to date anyone. That he only wanted to be with me. I prayed that he was going to ask, going to beg, if he could come back and talk to me. I picked up the phone and my heart sank when I saw the text from my credit card company telling me that my payment had gone through. There was no text message from Evan. I looked back at my message to make sure I had hit send. I had. I powered the phone on and off, just in case, and then stared at it as it powered back on, hoping a new beep would come. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I walked back to my bed slowly, feeling depressed and sad, and fell back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, my hand on my phone. I checked the screen incessantly, waiting for his response, yet nothing came. I must have fallen asleep because a beeping at 4 a.m. made me wake up. My eyes flew open and I glanced at my phone. I saw Evan’s name and I looked away from the phone for a few seconds as my heart raced and I felt nervous. What was he going to say to my text? Was he going to say what I wanted him to say? I took a deep breath and opened the text and my heart sank at his reply: Ok. I think that’s for the best. That was it. That was bloody it. He didn’t care at all. Not one iota. He didn’t care. The tears started up again. And I threw my phone again, not caring if it broke or not. “I hate you,” I screamed into the night air of my room. “I hate you.” The tears streamed down my face and I punched my pillow, wanting to hurt something or someone as badly as I was feeling hurt inside. Evan’s face flashed into my mind and sadness filled me. “Why couldn’t you just love me?” I whispered to myself

and then fear overwhelmed me. My feelings were so extreme. I was acting crazy and it scared me. Why was I feeling so, so hurt? Why was this affecting me so much? Was something wrong with me? Was it normal to love someone this much, even though we’d never really had a relationship? It scared me that I was so upset and hurt. But I couldn’t ignore the emptiness in my heart. I couldn’t ignore the fact that I felt like things in my life were never going to be right again. I couldn’t ignore the feeling that I loved Evan with everything that I had, and knowing he didn’t feel the same made me want to sink into a hole and disappear.

CHAPTER 20

J ess

Hi, I miss you. I want to talk to you. I want to call you. I want to text you, but I can't. I can't because I'm weak and I need to let you go, but it's hard because I love you. And I don't know how to stop. It's killing me inside. All I think about is you. You have every part of my heart. You have every part of me. I don't know how to let you go. I don't know how to stop the pain. I just want to close my eyes and imagine you here with me. I think I'm going to drive myself crazy. I think I've already driven myself crazy. My heart feels weak. My eyes are dry from crying so many tears. I feel empty without you and I can't even tell you. Hi, I wrote you a letter today. I wrote you a letter to get it all out. I thought it would help. I thought it would make me feel better. I thought it would let me feel like everything is going to be okay. But it didn’t. It didn’t at all. It made me feel crazier. Why do I love you so much? It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense that I would feel so betrayed. So sad. So angry. So undeniably confused and lost. Do you even think of me? Do I cross your mind, ever? Hi, a part of me feels like you’re my soul mate. A part of me feels like the reason why I fell for you from the beginning is because we were made for each other. But then I think about what you said to me. And I think about the lies you told me and I think I’m wrong. I don’t know why you didn’t care enough. I don’t know why you didn’t love me. I don’t think we can ever really know? I don’t know. I just don’t understand why I can you love you so much and you can feel nothing. I miss you. Hi, I’m so mad at you. You haven’t called me. You haven’t texted me. How can you treat me like this? How can I mean so little to you? I want to send these messages so badly. I want to see you. I want you to want to see me. Why don’t you want to see me? Why don’t you want to talk to me? Did I mean so little to you? How could I mean so little to you? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand. Hi, I thought about you today. I wondered if you hated me because I made you hate yourself because of what you did to Pierce. We all make mistakes. Neither one of us was in the right. I wish you would call me. I miss you. This feels like it’s someone else’s life. I can barely go ten minutes without thinking of you and trying to call you. Why won’t you contact me? Please. Hi, I haven’t sent any of these messages and I’m not going to send them. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying not to cry every morning and every night. I’m trying to get over it and you. I joined a

dating app. I hate it. I hate making small talk, but I know I need to get out there. I need to meet a guy. I need to meet someone that will get my mind off of you. It’s not like we had anything, but it makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like we will definitely never be together if I start dating, but then I think about what you said. You want me to date. You want to date. You don’t care. And if you don’t care, why should I? Hi, it’s been three weeks and still no word from you. I can’t believe that I ever thought you were the one. I can’t believe that I thought that I loved you. Obviously this isn’t true love. This is nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I’m done. I’m over you. I miss you. And you will never know. You’ll never know because you don’t care. Hi Evan, I wanted to see how you’re doing. I wrote you a bunch of messages, but I didn’t send them. I hope this finds you well. I just wanted to reach out and say that there are no hard feelings. I just wanted to be honest about where I was coming from. You really hurt me. You made me feel like we had something special and ultimately, I ended up feeling used and like you didn’t care. I know we weren’t in a relationship, but still I felt like you could have been more respectful of my feelings. I put a lot into my time with you and I just felt like you didn’t care. I just needed to get this out. I needed to let you know. I’m sorry if I acted crazy. I’m sorry if you felt like I invaded your privacy the day I glanced at your phone. I didn’t mean to do that. I just looked down and saw it. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry it came to this. And I’m kind of upset that I had to be the one to reach out. I really thought I would have heard from you by now. You really hurt my feelings and I’m not sure how you could do that and be okay with that. But I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I just wanted to be honest. Jess I hit send and immediately regretted it. It had been a month of no contact and I hated that I was the weak one. Hated that I couldn’t just move on. Hated that I’d sent an email that made me look pitiful. Hated that he would know how much I cared. I hated it, yet, I was still hopeful. I was hopeful that he’d respond. I was hopeful that he’d apologize. Feel bad. Something. After two days of no response. All hope left me once again and I deleted his number from my phone and tried not to jump every time a message came through.

CHAPTER 21

E van T HERE’S something I wish she would understand. I wish she would understand that I never meant to hurt her. I never intended for her to fall for me. I never intended for her to fall in love with me. I never wanted that. I didn’t see myself in a relationship. I didn’t see myself in a relationship with her, especially. Not with how our relationship had started. I hadn’t counted on her falling for my wit and charm as deeply as she had. No other woman had been able to put up with me and all of my quirks before; not that I had cared. I was stuck in my ways. That was why Pierce and I had been so immature for so long. I was a pompous arrogant jerk. That’s what most women said about me, and they weren’t wrong. I didn’t care that I came across that way. I didn’t generally care if women became too invested, but this was different. She was different. I didn’t want to hurt her. I hadn’t wanted to break her heart. I didn’t want her to become invested in me at all. I wished she would understand that. I wished she would realize that though this started as a game to me, I didn’t think of it as a game. It had just all gotten out of hand. And feelings were hurt. I almost wish I could go back to the beginning. If I could go back, there were many, many things I would change. Many things I’d try to make right. Many things I’d do differently. But hindsight is fifty-fifty and life never seems to go according to plan. I knew I had screwed up royally when Jess kicked me out of her apartment that day. I had deliberately been flirting and texting with other women in front of her. I had wanted her to confront me. I had wanted her to get rid of me. I’d known that would be the easiest thing. The best way to extricate myself from the situation without having to tell her the truth. I wasn’t sure why I’d thought that would be the best way. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t just told her about the lies. I guess I’d been too scared. Scared of her reaction and then scared of what would happen next. I wasn’t really sure what I’d wanted to happen between us. I tried to call Jess exactly once and she hadn’t picked up the phone, so I knew she was really upset. So I’d decided to wait for her to text me or email me. But she hadn’t. She hadn’t called or texted. Being ignored by Jess infuriated me and almost made me go crazy. I wasn’t sure why it affected me so badly. I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me. She had expectations that I wasn’t sure I could fulfil.

Everything had gotten out of hand and I knew that had been my fault. I had given her the talk that I normally gave women when I thought they were falling for me. I would let them know I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I never wanted to find myself confined to a relationship or another person. I didn’t need that intimacy or bond to exist. Didn’t need it. Didn’t crave it. And certainly didn’t want it. I didn’t want anyone relying on me for emotional stability or support. I knew I wasn’t able to give a woman the attention she would want. It had never worked in the past and I knew it was unlikely to work in the future. No part of me had changed that much and no part of me wanted to change. It was just how it was. Granted I’d never met anyone like Jess before. Never had someone made me feel truly guilty and worried about their feelings and if they were mad at me. I knew she was something special, someone special, but I didn’t know exactly what that meant in a situation like this. What could I have said to her that wouldn’t seem like a false promise or too much hope? I wasn’t really sure. I wanted her to know I cared for her. I really and truly did, but I hadn’t known if I had any deeper feelings for her and I hadn’t known if I wanted to have deeper feelings, either. She wasn’t the sort of woman I would have chosen for myself. I certainly didn’t want to fall into her spell. I didn’t want to fall in love. Love was a foolish man’s game. And I was no fool. I didn’t love her and I didn’t want her to fall in love with me, either. I felt like I had no real solutions to the quandary I was in. I was annoyed that she was ignoring me. I missed her. I wanted to know what she was doing, but I didn’t want to reach out because I didn’t want her to see that as an indication that I was willing to give her more than I could. It pained my physically to think that I was hurting her, that in some way, her heart ached due to what I’d done to her, but it scared me more to think about having to commit to her. Having to spend the rest of my life with her, trying to make her happy. It made me want to throw up. It was something I couldn’t do. I couldn’t be that man in her life. I wasn’t the guy to give her the happily ever after. I wasn’t the guy to give her promises of sunsets and rainbows and black stallions riding off down the beach. And I didn’t want her to think that I could be that guy for her. I didn’t want her to think that I could be her Mr. Right. I was definitely not a Mr. Right. I was a Mr. Wrong. Wrong for her. Wrong for a lifetime. Wrong for many reasons. I didn’t want her like that. And yet…yet sometimes I couldn’t think, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t even muster up the energy to watch TV or read a book because my mind was focused on her and what she’s been doing and what she’s thinking and where she’s been. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by thoughts of her that it scares me. It scares me that I care so much. It scares me that I think about her so often. I honestly don’t understand why. I don’t know why she’s in my head. Sometimes I feel like she’s bewitched me. I know my best bet is to find another woman, bed another, maybe multiple others, and have them take over that spot in my mind. I know that most women knew the score. And I also knew that most women didn’t affect me like this. I didn’t like not being in control. I didn’t like feeling like my head was going to places that I didn’t want it to go to. I didn’t like going to bed thinking of her and waking up thinking of her and dreaming of her. I didn’t want her in my life like that. I didn’t want anyone in my life like that. I was too old, too jaded, too comfortable in my own inertia to have someone that deeply in my life. I didn’t want anyone in my life who was going to consume me. I didn’t want anyone in my life who was going to make me forget

where I ended and they began. Love was a young man's game. And it wasn’t for me. I knew that it was best for me to just let Jess go. I knew that I could go on and she could go on and we’d both survive. She’d probably find true love, a guy who would love her and adore her and she’d forget me. And that stung. It stung hard. It made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. Worse still, it made me feel like I didn’t want to breathe. Like I didn’t want to go on. And there was nothing worse than that. I didn’t even like to think of her with someone else. Didn’t like to think of her smiling, or touching another man. It made me want to kill something or someone. I knew that wasn’t a good sign. I knew that that likely meant I was already in deeper than I thought and would have hoped, but that was why I was staying away. As long as I didn’t fall any deeper. It had started off so lighthearted and fun. We had both known the score. This was never meant to be anything, but some kinky fun. Even though our attraction had been immediate, it hadn’t been anything serious or achingly deep. I had wanted Jess to stop ignoring me. Until I’d gotten her message. Her message reeked of her hurt and pain and it hurt me every time I read it. And I’d read it at least twenty times now. Not that I’d responded yet. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to respond. I just wanted to talk to her. See her. Touch her. I just wanted to be with her on my terms, but I knew she wasn’t really interested in that. I knew she’d been ignoring me because she was upset with me. I knew the only way to stop her from being upset was to utter some sort of declaration of love or commitment that I didn’t really want to express at this time, or ever. I didn’t want to lead her on. Even though my heart ached for her. Even though a part of me wanted to tell her that I wanted to reach up and pull down every star for her. That I wanted to name every flower after her. That I wanted to sing songs and play riffs and dedicate poems to her. I wanted to tell her that she was always in my thoughts, even when I didn’t want her to be. Even when I was trying hard to think of something or someone else. She was always there, in the back of my mind. She was everything to me, yet she was nothing. She had to be nothing. If she became more, I wasn’t sure what I’d do. I wasn’t sure how I’d function if I became totally consumed by and with her. I didn’t want her to be in my thoughts all of the time. I wanted to regain control. I didn’t want her to consume every aspect of my life. I couldn’t afford to be heartbroken and incomplete. Not again. I couldn’t risk being broken because I wasn’t sure I’d ever get over the pain of losing someone like her once I’d completely possessed her. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever be able to live if she was no longer in my life in some way. I was scared in a way that I’d never been before. I didn’t want to respond to her. I didn’t want to tell her the truth. Yet, I knew that I had to. I couldn’t leave everything like this. I couldn’t leave her in this pain. I had to be honest with her. Even if that meant she was going to hate me even more. I just needed to see her one more time. I wasn’t sure if I was making a mistake, but I had to reach out to her. I knew I had to do it. Dear Jess, I think we should meet up and talk in person, if you’re up for it. I hope you’ve been well. I’ve been thinking of you. Let me know if you’re free this weekend. I can be available at any time of the day on either Saturday or Sunday.

Evan I pressed send and waited, hoping that she would respond and would want to see me soon. Though, I had no idea what I was going to say. Absolutely no idea at all.

CHAPTER 22

E van

I never knew that waiting for someone to arrive could be so nerve-wracking. I never knew that I could feel such excitement and fear at the same time. I’d never considered myself an anxious person. Never thought that I could be someone who would have my feelings dictated by someone else, but waiting for Jess to arrive at the park so that we could talk made me feel nervous as heck. I wasn’t sure what she was expecting. I wasn’t sure what she was going to say. If she still hated me. If she never wanted to see me again after today. Maybe she hated me already. It had taken her over a week to respond to my message. A week that had left me feeling like I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life if she didn’t want to respond. I felt gutted inside, gutted and nervous and guilty as heck. I had no idea what she was going to say or how she was going to react. I had no idea what she was going to think. I had no idea what I even wanted. I mean, in my heart of hearts, I knew, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. How could I admit it to myself? How could I want something with her after everything I’d done? It also wasn’t in my nature to want a relationship. I wasn’t sure I was the sort of guy who could be a good boyfriend. I wasn’t sure that I was the sort of guy who could make her happy, at the end of the day. I wasn’t sure she’d ever really trust me. And why would she? I wasn’t a good guy. I wasn’t someone that I’d want her to date. Though I didn’t want her to date anyone else. It killed me to think that perhaps she was dating someone else. It killed me that maybe she’d kissed someone else. I couldn’t even think about her sleeping with someone else. I’d kill him. I sighed. My stomach was in knots as I stood there. I was annoyed at myself that I’d played the games with her. Killed me that I’d hurt her by saying I was dating other girls and texting other women as if she didn’t matter. The fact of the matter was that I hadn’t seen anyone else since I’d met her. Hadn’t wanted to see anyone. Hadn’t wanted to kiss another woman. Hadn’t even thought of another woman like that. But she wasn’t to know that. I could barely believe it myself, and I knew that Pierce was disgusted with me. But much in the way that I was disgusted with him. I couldn’t believe that we’d been friends for such a long time. I couldn’t believe that we’d been such assholes. Now that I was finally over those games, I realized how immature and hurtful we’d really been. I felt ashamed of myself and I felt ashamed that I’d taught my fraternity brothers those tricks as well. We were disrespectful to women and I couldn’t believe that I actually believed that now. I knew that no one else wanted to hear about it. I knew that Pierce thought I

was a fool and he didn’t even know how badly I had fallen for Jess. He didn’t even know that a part of me thought that I might be in love with her, but that was because a part of me didn’t even want to recognize that as a possibility. How could I have fallen in love with this woman that I barely knew? It was like a punishment for being such a horrible human being. “Hi.” Her voice, soft, was right in front of me. I looked up and stared into her big brown eyes. “Hi,” I said back to her, feeling a wash of emotions in my stomach that I had never felt before. “How are you?” I asked her, staring into her eyes, wondering what she was feeling, feeling more insecure about meeting with a woman than I’d ever felt in my life. “I’m good. How are you?” She gave me a small smile, the emotion not quite reaching her eyes, which I noticed looked bloodshot and red. “Pretty good,” I lied, wanting to tease her and say something to make the situation less awkward but not knowing what to say. What could I say in this situation to make it better? “Good.” She nodded her head and looked away. She was playing with her shirt and I could tell she was nervous. I wondered if she could tell how nervous I was as well. Wondered if she knew that I’d spent the last month feeling like shit and wondering how she was doing. “You’re looking well,” I said to her as I looked over her body, my body feeling warm and my mind wanting to know if another man had touched her since she’d last been with me. “Thanks, you too,” she said as she glanced at me again and looked me over. “You got a haircut?” “Yeah.” I nodded. “It makes you look younger,” she said and gave me a small smile. “No one would ever guess you were old enough to be Pierce’s dad, ever.” She laughed as she gazed at me and shook her head. “I honestly would never have guessed.” “Yeah,” I said and I took a deep breath. “I need to talk to you about that.” “Oh?” She cocked her head to the side and looked at me curiously. “What did you want to talk about? Not Pierce again?” “No, well, kinda.” I made a face and she looked annoyed. I put my hand up and sighed. “It’s not what you think. I need to tell you some stuff.” “Oh?” She licked her lips nervously. “What do you need to tell me??” “This is going to be hard,” I said and let out a deep breath. “Shall we take a walk?” “I guess.” She shrugged, looking confused. “If that’s what you want?” “Yeah.” I nodded. “It might come out easier.” “Okay,” she said and we started walking in silence. I stared at the pebbles in front of me and wondered why it was so hard for me to bring everything up. I just needed to get it out. “First off, I need to apologize for our last meeting. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry about the words that I said. I was mean and I hate that I was that person to you.” “It’s okay,” she said softly, and I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t. I read your email. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you didn’t matter. I’m sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t care. I’m sorry that I put you in that mental

state.” “It’s fine.” She shrugged. “It was my own fault. You were right. I needed to just start dating. I needed to put myself out there. I was too reliant on you and being with you and that wasn’t fair to you. That wasn’t fair to have those expectations of you. I’m sorry for wanting more from you than you were willing to give.” “I’m sorry that I couldn’t be that man for you,” I said, starting to feel annoyed. “So are you dating someone now?” “I’m going on dates, yes,” she said softly, and I felt my heart drop and I could feel my stomach churning. “Oh?” That was not the answer that I’d wanted to hear. I wanted to ask what sort of dates and how serious. And what they’d done and if she cared about them. I wanted to know if she thought of me when she kissed them, but I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to ask because I didn’t really want to know the answers. I didn’t want to hear that she was kissing them and not thinking of them. I didn’t want to hear that she was interested in someone else. I didn’t want to know. Not if the answer was something that would make me feel like shit. “That’s not why you wanted to meet though?” She licked her lips nervously, and I took a deep breath. “No, it’s not. Want to sit?” I pointed to a patch of grass to the right of us and then looked over at her. “Sure.” She nodded and we walked over to the grass and sat down and faced each other. “So…” I said, and my voice drifted off. “So…” she said, staring at me, her face a mask. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you,” I started again and then started to laugh. My frat brothers would not believe the guy sitting here on the grass with Jess. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t unsure of myself. I wasn’t uncomfortable. I was never at a loss for words. Especially not with women. I was the king with women. I had the gift of gab. I knew exactly what to say and when. I knew exactly what they wanted. My frat brothers used to come to me when they wanted help bagging a girl. I was the man. I had no idea when now I couldn’t get the words out at all. I had no idea why I felt like I was going to mess everything up if I said the wrong words. “Yeah, it has.” She nodded and looked away from me. “So, I need to tell you something really important,” I started again. “Something that might make you hate me even more than you already hate me. Something that might make you think I’m a jerk. Or a bastard. Or whatever. And you wouldn’t be wrong for having those feelings. I just want you to know that I’m ashamed of myself. Before I even say anything, before I tell you everything, I want you to know that I’m ashamed of myself. I regret everything, and if I could take it back I would. I truly would.” “You’re scaring me, Evan.” She looked worried and I saw her playing with her fingers again. “What do you have to tell me? Are you dying?”

“No, I’m not dying.” I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then took a deep breath and looked at her. “Jess, I’m not Pierce’s dad. I’m not his real dad. I’m not his stepdad. I’m not related to him at all. I’m not even old enough to be his dad.” “What?” Her eyes widened as she gazed at me. “What are you saying?” Her mouth fell open and she looked like she was about to have a heart attack. “Pierce and I were fraternity brothers. I was a few years ahead of him.” I looked at her and made a face. “We were the typical immature drunk frat boys and we played a lot of games with a lot of girls with women and pulled a lot of tricks and pranks and well…” My voice trailed off. I wasn’t sure how to continue. I didn’t want to say the words out loud. I didn’t want to tell her and we pranked you. “Well, what?” She blinked at me and I could see her thinking hard. “Jess,” I said and sighed, “I don’t know what…” My voice trailed off again. “So this was a game to you?” She frowned. “All of this? Everything has been a game from the beginning?” She ran her hands across her eyebrows and rubbed her forehead. “From the very beginning? So you’ve never been Pierce’s dad? You being in the apartment that day? Flirting with me? Was that part of the setup? Was that when it started?” “That was part of the setup.” I nodded. “That wasn’t when it started, though.” “That wasn’t when it started?” Her voice trailed off. “What? When did it start, then?” Her eyes widened. “It started at the club, didn’t it? When he came over to me?” “Yeah.” I nodded and pursed my lips. “I’m sorry.” “But Linda…” Her voice trailed off. “How did you get his mom to pretend you were the dad as well?” “Linda was a paid actress,” I said softly. “I’m sorry, Jess.” “This whole thing was a sick joke. This whole thing. Oh, my God.” She looked at me with a hurt expression. “I can’t believe you did this to me. I can’t believe this whole thing has been a lie. This whole time. How could you do this to me? I thought I was in love with you. I thought you could be the one. You had me questioning everything about myself. You had me thinking I was going crazy. You had me in tears. You had me thinking that I was a really bad person. How could you do that to me? How could you do that to any human being? How could you just not care?” “I do care about you, Jess. It killed me inside, but I just didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to tell you that we’d lied. It just all felt like it was too much and that it was too late. I didn’t want you to hate me. I didn’t want you to think I was a horrible man. I knew I was playing with fire and I told myself that it was okay. I told myself that we both knew the score. And if we were both on the same page, it would be okay. I told myself that we could have fun and neither one of us would get hurt.” “But I did get hurt. You crushed me, Evan. You made me feel like shit. You made me feel like I almost ruined a family. You made me feel like some sort of sicko. And then you just ditched me and made me feel like it was all my fault. How could you do that to me?” “I’m so sorry, Jess. I don’t know what to say. It was all fucked from the beginning. I messed up. I’m an asshole. I know that. I’m a jerk. I deserve to be hated. I didn’t want for you to fall for me. I

knew I wasn’t good enough for you from the beginning. I knew that. I knew that I could never be the man that you wanted me to be. I wanted to make sure that you left me. I wanted it to be on your terms. I wanted you to feel empowered. But I think I ended up hurting you more. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I played those games. I’m sorry that I made you think I was seeing other women. I never met another woman. I never dated another woman. I was doing that so you would get mad and hate me. I wanted you to hate me. I needed you to hate me. I needed for you to walk away because I was scared.” “Scared of what?” Her voice was tinged with sarcasm and hurt. “I was scared of getting hurt.” “Hurt by who?” She was getting angrier. “All you cared about was getting laid and tricking me. Ugh, when I think of all the bullshit you put me through. All those conversations? How could you? I just don’t get it. How could you?” “Jess.” I moved closer to her. “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to make you feel bad in any way. You have to know that. Yes, in the beginning, I didn’t care. I didn’t know you. I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I was just playing a game with my friend. A game we always played. That was my life. You have to understand that. It was never personal to you. And then I got to know you and I realized you were special. Really special. And I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” “Okay.” She shrugged. “Is that it? Any other lies you want to tell me about, or can I go?” “You want to go?” “What else do we have to say, Evan?” She shrugged again. “Alyssa was right about you. You’re just an asshole.” “I’d like to think I could change her mind about that,” I tried to joke, but Jess didn’t laugh. “What else do you want, Evan?” She glared at me. “I’d like to think that we could move past this?” “You want to be my friend?” She burst out laughing hysterically. “Are you fucking kidding? Do you really think that I want to be friends with you? Do you think that that’s ever going to happen? You played me. You make me feel sick to my stomach. I want nothing to do with you.” “Jess.” I grabbed a hold of her hand, my heart beating fast, and I knew that I had never felt more worried or scared in my life. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” “Yeah, yeah, I get that.” She pulled her hand away from me. “Hopefully you won’t do this to another girl in the future.” “Jess, I love you,” I said softly, almost to myself. “I love you, Jess.” I looked over and into her eyes, and she looked shocked. Maybe as shocked as I felt at having said the words out loud. “Say something,” I said to her as I looked at her, waiting for a response. “I don’t know what to say.” Her voice was breathless. “I don’t even know why you’re saying that. I don’t even know what to believe. I don’t even feel like I know you, Evan.” “I guess I deserve that,” I said, feeling really disappointed. A part of me had been hoping she

would tell me that she loved me as well. A part of me had hoped she would laugh and fall into my arms and we’d start kissing and we’d make love on the grass with wild abandon. Yeah, my thoughts and hopes weren’t always realistic. “I’m going to go.” She tried to get up again and I grabbed a hold of her hand. “You still want to go?” Even after I just told you I love you?” “That doesn’t mean anything to me, Evan. I don’t know what you want me to say.” She shrugged, her brown eyes looking at me with uncertainty. “What do you want from me?” “How do you feel about me?” I asked her, almost hesitantly. “What are your feelings?” “I don’t know what to say.” She pursed her lips. “What can I say?” “I don’t know.” I sighed and leaned back. “There are things I want to tell you. Things inside. Things that I find it hard to share. This is hard for me. I know I’ve hurt you. I know you might find it hard to trust me. I know that. I’m going to try my best to be open and honest, though. Will you at least listen to me?” “I’ll listen.” She chewed on her lower lip and nodded. “I’ve only had one serious relationship in my life. My first year of college. She broke my heart. I nearly failed my classes that semester and flunked out. I thought my life was over. I’d never been through anything like that before. I’d never felt despair. I’d never known what it was to not be able to function. After that I vowed that I wouldn’t let another girl get close enough to me to hurt me that way. So I joined the frat and I’ve slept around and played games and never really cared. And I was content with my life. Happy, even. To an extent. And then I met you. And something about you did something to me. Something about you changed something in me. And I could feel myself being drawn to you. I loved teasing you. And I loved your reactions to me and I loved touching you and talking to you and kissing you and talking to you. And it was all good fun, until I realized that it was something I was looking forward to every day. Until I realized that you were growing on me in ways that made no sense. When I realized that I cared about your feelings. When the sad look on your face made me feel worried. Made me scared. When I started to feel what you were feeling. That’s when I realized I was getting in too deep and I knew I couldn’t have that. I knew that I couldn’t fall for you, for two reasons: I didn’t want you to hate me for the lies, and I didn’t want you to fall for me because I didn’t think I was the guy for you. I didn’t think I was good enough. And frankly I was scared. I was scared to fall in love again. I didn’t want to be tied to someone else. I didn’t want you to control my feelings. I didn’t want to be tied to someone else. I didn’t want to be your Mr. Right. I was scared about being someone’s forever mate. I didn’t want you to get to know me and then drop me. I knew that being dropped by you would be much worse than it was in college. I knew that if I opened myself up to you and allowed myself to love you, it would kill me if you didn’t want me. And I was right.” I paused and looked at her and I could see tears in her eyes. “Jess?” I asked her softly. “Are you okay?” She nodded at me and I grabbed her hand and was pleased when she didn’t pull away this time. “So I’m sure you’re wondering what all this means now. Well, in this last month, I’ve realized I’ve been a big fool, because I couldn’t stop myself from having feelings for you. I couldn’t stop the fact that I’d

fallen in love with you. And I realized that I’m a fool. And I deserve all the hate you have for me. I deserve for you to never talk to me again. I deserve for you to get up and walk away and never want to see me again.” I squeezed her fingers and then looked in her eyes. “I deserve that, but I’m telling you now that I’m not going to walk away again. I just want to be with you. I will wait for however long it takes. Even though I didn’t want to be your Mr. Right, I am. I am the man who will wait forever to be with you. I will do whatever you want me to do. I will wait for the rest of my life for you to forgive me. I love you with all of my heart and I’m not scared anymore. I’m not scared to lose you. I’m not scared to not have you. I’m only scared that I would not have the opportunity to show you how much I love you. I will do whatever you want me to do. I will wait as long as you want me to wait. I will be here for you, whenever you need me. Whenever you want me. I will always be here for you. I will never walk away. I want to prove myself to you. I want to love you with all my heart. I just need to know that that’s okay with you. I just need to know that maybe one day you can forgive me. Maybe one day you can give me a chance? Do you think that you can? Do you think that you will ever be able to forgive me? Do you think that you can ever love me? Feel what I feel for you?” “Oh, Evan.” Her voice cracked as she gazed at me with a huge smile. “I love you so much. I love you more than words can say. I don’t even know how to tell you what your words mean to me. I don’t even know how to tell you how much I love you. It’s been killing me to keep it inside. I feel like we were made for each other. Does that make me crazy?” “Not any crazier than me.” I reached over and pulled her towards me, my face a huge grin. “But I like that you’re as crazy as me. We can be crazy in love together.” “I feel like I’m in a dream right now,” she said, rubbing her eyes before reaching over to kiss me. “I can’t believe that this is happening.” “I can’t believe that this is happening either. I love you with all my heart and soul. I never want to lose you again. Please let me be your Mr. Right for the rest of your life.” “Of course.” She sighed in contentment. “You’ll always be the one for me. I’m just glad that you finally came to your senses.” “So am I, my dear. So am I.” THE END Thank you for purchasing a J. S. Cooper book. I hope you enjoyed it. Please join my mailing list here to be notified of all new releases and to be notified if I write a free epilogue to Mr. Right. You can email me at [email protected] with any questions or comments.