Louise Bay - Love Rehab -(ang)

Published by Louise Bay 2016 Copyright © 2016 Louise Bay. All rights reserved This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author ’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with or sponsored by the trademark owners. ISBN – 978-1-910747-38-4

Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Epilogue Sign up Books by Louise Bay Let’s Connect! Acknowledgments

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Mackenzie Anyone would think I’d be a pro at shopping for wedding dresses. After all, this was my third engagement. Fact was, I’d never gotten this far. My previous two engagements had ended before any invitations had been picked, or venues visited. And I’d never tried on a gown. Now I was standing on a podium in a white dress, in a bridal store dressing room, I was seriously considering eloping to escape all the attention. There was too much to think about. The flowers—my mom had ordered lilies, but they reminded me of funerals. The catering—I thought a barbeque would be fun. Phil, my fiancé, had picked a fine dining menu. The band—my suggestion of a Motown act had been replaced by a big band by the wedding planner. And then there was the fact that Phil had seemed a little distant in these last few weeks. I guess the pressure of trying to get things right was getting to both of us. I needed some fresh air . . . or a shot of tequila. “You look beautiful,” my mother said, grinning down at my gown. I exhaled. She was happy and that loosened the tightness across my forehead a little. Weddings were as much about the mother of the bride as anyone else. Luckily for me, Phil and my mom wanted similar things, which made it easy to keep everyone happy—I just had to be quiet. When we’d started the planning process, I had been concerned that tempers might fray, voices raise, but they were on the same page. I was the only one at odds. I’d hoped to end up with something a little smaller, a little less formal. I glanced into the mirror at the faces of my mother and my two best friends, Kennedy and Rose. It was comforting to be here with my entire world. Anywhere Kennedy and Rose were, I was the happiest, the most relaxed—the most myself. They knew me better than any two other people ever had. Friends since kindergarten, we’d always shared everything of significance in our lives. My wedding would be no different. “You look like a princess,” Rose said, upbeat as always. I slid my hands down the satin of the bodice, careful not to snag my nails on the smooth, shiny fabric. Kennedy smiled and, trying to control my response, I lifted the corners of my mouth. I was only a tiny bit frustrated that Rose and Kennedy both agreed with my mom and seemed to like the dress. Couldn’t they see this wasn’t me? Maybe I should stop being so picky. Did it matter if the gown was me, so long as it was appropriate? The thing was, I thought I looked a little ridiculous, like I was seven years old and playing dress up. As if this was one big game of pretend. Princesses wore dresses like these for state banquets and balls—formal affairs. My wedding was at the Boston Fairmont. It was nice, but it wasn’t a palace and I wasn’t a princess. And white? Who was I trying to kid? No sex before marriage was one argument my mother hadn’t won. In college, I’d let loose, as settling down wasn’t on the agenda until after graduation. I’d tested a theory that certain types of guys liked to fuck the same way. Were jocks strictly no-foreplay? Yes, but they were hardly the only ones lacking those skills. Was missionary the preference of nerds? No, they spent way too much time on their computer watching porn to be okay with one position. What type of man had the patience to go down on me until I came? I’d abandoned that part of the experiment due to

lack of evidence. Those experiments, fun at the time, were in my past. My future was all about Phil. And he was the reason I was contemplating this dress. I knew if my mother liked it, he was bound to. He should get the wedding he wanted. These things were important to him and he was important to me. I wanted him to be happy. Phil might not have been the first man to put a ring on my finger, but as they say, third time’s the charm. A really good guy. He was made to be an excellent husband and father. And our sex life? It was . . . fine. Good even. Maybe not the best I’d ever had. He was more jock than nerd, and I definitely wasn’t about to make a breakthrough with my oral research, but he certainly wasn’t the worst. And anyway, orgasms were the reason God invented vibrators. Just stick to the plan, Mackenzie. “And you think strapless suits me?” I asked, forcing myself back into the moment. I’d always imagined I’d be married in a 1930s style, satin dress—understated and easy to dance in. The corseted ball gown was so tight across my ribs it felt as if it were chasing away my breath so I couldn’t escape. The skirt was so big, I was pretty sure I could disappear if I sank to my knees at the altar. The dress really belonged on someone else—someone who’d always dreamed of a dress fit for a princess. But judging by the faces in the mirror, this was the dress. It did make my waist look small, which had to be a bonus. There was always an upside to be found—that’s what I needed to focus on. “And they can have this ready in eight weeks?” my mother asked the saleswoman. “The sooner this gets done, the better.” For my mother, getting married was the most important thing I would do in my life. Well, other than staying married. Perhaps she wanted me to have the life she hadn’t, or maybe she just wanted me to be happy in her own controlling way. I’d never asked her—it would have meant skirting the edges of a discussion about my father. And we never did that. “The timing isn’t a problem,” the sales assistant said. “A diamante belt would really make this pop.” “Oh yes, a little more bling would be fabulous.” My mom, the queen of sparkles. Me? Not so much. But maybe that was what weddings required—bling, sparkle, beading—to signify the celebration of two people in love. It made sense. I just wasn’t sure it was me. The sales assistant tied a diamante-covered ribbon around my waist. “Perfect.” My mother clasped her hands together and gasped. It was certainly very . . . sparkly. I pressed my palm against my stomach, trying to wipe away the rush of nausea that passed over me. Nothing more than normal wedding jitters. I. Am. In. Love. Phil and I had known from the beginning that what we had was special. To prove it, he’d asked me to marry him eleven weeks after we’d first met. We’d immediately set a date four months out—if we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, why wait? Since I could remember, I’d planned my life down to the tiniest details. And most of the time my plans worked out. My father used to say to me, “You gotta have a plan for your life or you’ll end up with someone else’s.” Two days before my sixth birthday, I’d watched from the top of the stairs as my mother begged him not to go. We never saw him again, and I’d always wondered if we’d ever been part of his plan at all. Fifteen years later I graduated magna cum laude from Hillary Rodham Clinton’s alma mater—an unequivocal and lifelong stamp of approval, and the first part of my plan. After college, I became a teacher, and now I worked for the Massachusetts Department of Education. I was ticking things off the list.

At twenty-four, I bought my own apartment—a slice of independence I thought important before starting my own family. I’d expected to be there just a year or so before I married, but five years later nothing had changed. And honestly, I loved the place. It was tiny and the stove only worked on the first Tuesday of the month, but I didn’t care. It was mine. I’d crossed everything off my list that I’d planned to have done by now. Everything except a husband. I thought I’d be married by now. I’d expected to be married by now. Time to get my plan back on track. “Can you pass me my drink?” I asked, as I glanced around for the silver tray that the sales assistant had brought in earlier. I took the alcohol from Kennedy and threw it back. “Mackenzie,” my mother scolded. I stared into my empty glass as if it were a crystal ball about to show me my future. If I could just fast forward to get some clarity, to know for sure that I was on the right track . . . I squeezed my eyes shut and counted to three. “This is the one.” “Really?” My mother clasped her hands together, and began firing questions at the sales assistant. Raised voices rumbled outside our private suite and it distracted me from the pain of the bodice for a second. The voices began to separate and I focused on one in particular. It was so completely out of place in this sea of women, but at the same time deeply familiar. Phil? What was he doing here? “I’m sorry to interrupt,” he said calmly as he entered the room. My mother pulled at his arm, to get him out of the dressing room. His eyes tightened and his expression was one I’d not seen before. At least not on him. “We need to talk, privately.” What was so urgent that he needed to speak to me on my own, now? I smiled, trying to gauge the seriousness of his news. “We’ll just be twenty minutes,” I said, trying to keep my voice light as he stepped toward me, despite my mother ’s grip around his arm. I tried to read his face. If he gave me more time, was willing to wait, then whatever he had to say couldn’t be catastrophic for me, for us. He shook his head, his eyes fixed on mine as if we were playing a silent game of chicken. Just twenty minutes. “It can’t wait,” he said. I wanted to pretend I hadn’t heard him, that he wasn’t here. Whatever he had to say, I didn’t want to hear it. A familiar darkness ran through me. It was the same feeling I’d had when learning to ride a bike—that certainty as I started off that I’d end up on the street, bruised knees and grazed hands. Pain was inevitable. I knew the expression of someone about to break off an engagement. I’d seen it before. This couldn’t be happening. Problem was, as I looked at the hard set of Phil’s jaw, took in the way he refused to acknowledge anyone else, I knew it was. Again.

Mackenzie “Here you are, miss,” the flight attendant said as she handed me a fresh gin and tonic. I thanked her and slid the catch down, releasing the small, gray, plastic table in front of me, and I set down my drink. It was my third since we’d boarded and I was determined not to down this one. But I wasn’t making any promises. Self-medicating seemed like a good option. As much as I loved my two best friends, they weren’t good company in confined spaces at thirty-five thousand feet. Especially when they didn’t want to be there in the first place. “I really can’t believe we’re doing this,” Rose mumbled into her plastic glass, fogging up the inside the way a toddler might. I glanced over to find Kennedy reading a magazine but shaking her head, clearly sharing Rose’s sentiment. “Quit moaning, you two.” I tipped my head back onto the headrest. I’d not slept since the Wedding Dress Debacle, as my mother now referred to the worst day of my life. My eyes were tired and my limbs heavy, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t shut off my mind or the overwhelming sense of panic that crashed over me every time sleep was near. My plan had been thrown off course. Again. I had to do something. Fix things. Time was running out. I needed to take action. Starting with a trip and a leap of faith. “It’s going to be good for us. We’ll get back to nature, or something.” I was tired of having to convince Rose and Kennedy they would enjoy the experience. Maybe they would; maybe they wouldn’t. Truth was, I needed this. Needed to be put back together and I didn’t want to do it alone. And really, if I’d asked them to walk the Freedom Trail naked, they would have done it. The familiarity of their whining was almost comforting. It was when people stopped communicating, stopped having sex, stopped saying I love you, that you knew you were in shit right up to your waist. Things hadn’t been right with Phil for a while and I’d just clung tighter until my fingers were bleeding, hoping that everything was going to be okay. I sighed and pulled out the safety card from the pocket on the seat in front and then slid it back inside. What I needed was US Weekly— something trashy to take my mind off what I was leaving behind. I’d expected to have the whole man thing nailed by now. After nearly thirty years, I’d paid my dues and should be eligible to withdraw from the man karma savings account that I’d been building up. But apparently, there’d been a run on the karma bank. I was officially an ex-fiancée three times over. Which was why I was on a plane heading to Oklahoma. “A getaway after major heartache is part of the BFF job description. I get that, but I can’t believe you’re taking us into the middle of frigging nowhere, Mackenzie,” Kennedy said from the window seat as she slapped her magazine down on her thighs. “When people get dumped they take their girlfriends to Mexico, drink cocktails and have sex with a hot cabana boy or two, maybe at the same time. They don’t go to Oklahoma and—wait. What is it we’re going there to do?” I loosened my seatbelt a little and twisted so my knees pointed toward the window and the two best friends a girl could get. Even though Kennedy was mad, I was glad she was here. I leaned over and

squeezed her hand, wanting her to know how much I appreciated her being with me. She waved me away with a scowl. She’d never been good with physical affection. “You don’t know where the ranch is, so how would you know if it’s in the middle of nowhere?” I asked sleepily. I’d forgotten to give them the details. If they’d looked it up, they’d have focused on the camping, lack of spa facilities, zero Wi-Fi and no alcohol. I’d had a hard enough time convincing them to come as it was; I didn’t need them to find more reasons to say no. Kennedy looked at me as if I’d just told her that her vibrator was broken. “Oklahoma is in the middle of frigging nowhere.” Her voice got a decibel louder with every drink she knocked back. “You sound like an East Coast brat.” City girls through and through, the three of us had grown up in Boston and not strayed far, even for college. But right now, I needed something different. Oklahoma would be an adventure, and the ranch had promised a Brand New Me. For that I’d go just about anywhere. I’d once heard that if one person called you an ass you should ignore it, if two people called you an ass you should look in the mirror and if three people called you an ass, you should buy a saddle. I was three strikes and out, but just not ready to buy that saddle. I wanted a fresh start. Plan two-point-oh. “And I’m good with that.” Kennedy grinned, raising her half-full plastic cup. “Lucky for you I love you.” The ranch we were staying at ran a retreat for women stuck with love lives they didn’t want. At the moment I’d try just about anything. If they could fix whatever was wrong with me, stop my fiancés from dumping me . . . Well, that sounded like a holiday made for me. I had nothing left to lose. With each one of my serious boyfriends I’d thought I had the answer, the key to the life I’d always planned —a family, a home, security, a place in the world. I couldn’t stay where I was, stuck in the cycle of rejection and confusion. Clearly, I needed professional help. I’d come to a fork in the road and I could keep travelling straight or try a new route. I needed a cure. I needed my plan back on track. I needed Love Rehab. “We both love you. And we’re here to support you.” Rose patted my arm. “I brought a robe, in case theirs aren’t soft enough. But you can borrow it. Do you think there’ll be massages and stuff?” I stayed quiet, trying not to wince. I was pretty sure how the robes felt would not be top of the agenda when the girls saw where we were going. I’d shown them the required wardrobe list— waterproofs, hiking gear and plenty of bug spray—and I’d nearly lost them, but clearly Rose was in denial. If she was expecting a spa, Love Rehab was going to be a rude awakening. I stopped one of the cabin crew and requested another gin and tonic. “Look, you love me, right?” I asked. “You just said you did.” Kennedy muttered under her breath, engrossed in the latest drama involving one of the Real Housewives. She loved scandal as much as her mother hated it. One of the reasons why she slept around was to annoy her mother. Rose nodded, giving me what she thought was a smile but was actually the face she used whenever we went out for seafood and we suggested oysters. I traced circles on the tray with my drink, chasing the droplets of damp that had settled on the bottom of my glass. “And you know that all I want is for us to be happy.” Kennedy shoved her magazine in the back of the seat. “Where are you going with this?” “I’m just saying, this might be a little . . . rustic.” Was rustic a description ambiguous enough that I wasn’t actually lying? “But I think we’ll look back and say the next five days changed our lives.”

Kennedy hunched back into her chair. “Unless I get thrown from a horse or bitten by a snake, I’m pretty sure a few nights in Oklahoma isn’t going to change my life.” “Then you’ve got nothing to lose,” I said, though I sincerely hoped the trip would change me. I wanted to stop getting engaged and get to the next part of my life. I needed a guy who would propose and actually marry me. All you need is love, my ass. Fuck you, John Lennon, you lying asshole. “Holy crap, it really is the middle of nowhere. Look.” Rose pointed out the window as we descended through the clouds. The land was flat and dry and yellow like someone had cracked open the sun and it had poured all over the floor. Brown scorch lines crisscrossed the ground and the colors bled up into the azure blue of the sky. It was as if Rothko had been in charge of designing this state. It was shocking—almost confusing, it was so unexpected. Most of all, it was different. The hope that had buried itself deep in my gut when I booked this retreat began to bloom. “We’re not in Boston anymore, Toto,” Kennedy said. “Exactly. It’s something and somewhere new. Where we can all get back on track.” “I’m fine on the track I’m on, thank you,” Kennedy said. “You know you can’t keep bed hopping.” Kennedy didn’t believe in commitment and to her, commitment was a second date. She shrugged. “Why not? Maybe I like it.” Rose and I exchanged glances. Both of us had been worried that Kennedy was a bit off recently. The boys didn’t seem exciting to her anymore—the chase more of a chore than anything else. She seemed to have lost her mojo. “I just want something more for you. I want something more for me,” I said. Rose sighed as her hands flopped into her lap. “I’m so sick of banging assholes.” “Like with a strap-on?” I whispered, half joking but also slightly concerned with the answer I was likely to get. My sex life seemed plain vanilla compared to my friends, and I wondered whether my lack of . . . color . . . in the bedroom was what drove men away. Perhaps I should have suggested something more inventive to Phil. Maybe he’d wanted more. Kennedy chuckled, clearly listening to every word. “Urgh. No.” Rose pushed my arm. “You’re such a pervert. I mean figuratively.” “You should try not fucking your boss. Then, when he dumps you, you might not have to quit,” Kennedy said. The woman in front of us turned and shot us a filthy look. Sorry, I mouthed. Kennedy had always been as liberal with F-bombs as she was with her body. Rose tilted her head to one side as if considering Kennedy’s suggestion. “It’s not like I plan it.” “An alcoholic doesn’t plan to get drunk,” I replied, sipping my gin. “You need to plan not to sleep with your boss.” Nothing good came from not having a plan. Kennedy twisted to face me. “I’m pretty sure alcoholics plan to drink a lot of the time.” “Don’t be pedantic, you know what I mean.” “No, I really don’t. We’re not alcoholics,” Kennedy said, throwing back the rest of her drink. “No, you’re a sexaholic. And you”—I pointed at Rose—“are a bossaholic.” “You seem very sure about our problems but I don’t see you with everything figured out. So, what’s your diagnosis on yourself?” Rose asked. “An engagementaholic?” She was right, but the comment still stung, especially coming from Rose, who was the most forgiving of the three of us. But that wasn’t my problem. Staying engaged was my issue. “I’m a loveaholic.” I knew the disease from which I was suffering. I just needed the cure.

Kennedy rolled her eyes then leaned across Rose toward me. “You”—she poked my leg—“are an everything-needs-to-follow-the-plan-aholic. Or a Perfectaholic. Ain’t nothing to do with love.” “Whatever,” I said, ignoring her. She was always giving me shit about my plan, about wanting certain things by certain times, but how else was I supposed to get things done? I’d met great guys in my life and had been lucky enough to fall in love a number of times, but that hadn’t been enough. They hadn’t stayed. If Kennedy was right and I was a perfectaholic, I’d have figured out how to be the perfect girlfriend, perfect fiancée, perfect wife. I’d be married already. The seatbelt sign came on and the cabin filled with the rustle of people packing bags and readjusting their seats. It wouldn’t be long now and things would begin to change. This was the start of my perfect life. Love Rehab is going to fix everything. It was going to happen. I just had to have a little faith. And last five days in Oklahoma.

Mackenzie We opened the truck doors and slid out. My butt was almost numb from the two-hour drive from the airport. I squinted in the sun to see a stone and timber ranch house, more glamorous than I’d dared to imagine. This was it. Love Rehab. A woman not much older than us came onto the huge wraparound porch and waved. “Hey y’all. Welcome to McKenna Ranch. My name’s Brianna.” Nerves twisted with excitement and began to jangle in my stomach. Five days here and things were going to get better. Forgetting our luggage, I led the way, desperate to meet the woman in whose hands I was placing my destiny. As soon as I climbed the porch steps, Brianna hugged me like we were all long-lost friends. She may have hit thirty, but she wasn’t far past it. Glossy hair, natural makeup and dressed in jeans and a yellow blouse. “My brother Barrett is here.” She pointed at a tall man walking across the drive wearing what seemed to be a regulation cowboy hat. “And he’ll take your bags up to your room while the four of us have a little talk. Follow me.” I turned to make sure Rose and Kennedy were following us to find Rose fixated on Barrett’s ass as he grabbed our cases from the truck. Cowboys didn’t do it for me. I’d never date a man who could accessorize better than I could. The A/C was a relief as soon as we stepped inside the ranch house. Brianna’s smile seemed permanent, but somehow she made it feel authentic. Maybe she was returning my wide grin. I couldn’t help myself. I was so relieved to be here and onto the next step, which would take me where I wanted to go. Brianna led us into a large living room with a huge brick inglenook fireplace. The ceilings were vaulted and looked like they were made of oak. Everything looked solid and calm. Warm and homemade. As if I could be safe here. If it had been decorated differently, it could have been in an interior decorating magazine. The way it was, with the overstuffed couches, clashing pillows and the bright tapestries on the walls, it welcomed you in and invited you to kick off your shoes and take a seat. “I know you just arrived, but before you get settled I wanted to give you an overview of what y’all are to expect during your visit.” Brianna indicated toward a long couch opposite the fireplace. The three of us sat down next to each other. A jug of iced tea sat on a tray on the table in front of us. “Now, I’m just going to cut straight to it—I’m not great with the small talk.” Brianna perched on a stool on the other side of the table and began to pour out the tea. “I like to get down and dirty early.” She cocked her shoulder and gave a little wink and I had to stifle a giggle. “I want y’all to know that I never mean any offense, but I’m here to help, and sometimes that calls for a little tough love, but it always comes from my heart.” She pressed her palm against her breastbone as she spoke. “I may have all the pieces of paper signed by the right professors from a great school, but I’m good at this because I’ve been in exactly the same place as y’all are in now.” Brianna smiled and her gaze flitted between the three of us as she passed us our drinks. “You’re

probably wondering where Mr. Right is.” Guilty. “You’ve no doubt had a couple of tryouts that didn’t go too well.” You think? “Maybe you’ve had your heart broken a few times.” Broken? Bruised certainly. Brianna’s eyes were wide as she spoke. “Well, I’ve been there. I thought I’d marry my college sweetheart after graduation and that I’d be a mother several times over by the time I was twenty-five, but it didn’t happen like that. Believe me, when you walk in on your fiancé getting a blowjob from a woman your mama’s age, it makes you think about the things you’d always wished for.” Kennedy coughed as she took a sip of her drink but Brianna continued to grin as if she’d just given us a recipe for blackberry pie. She looked pretty happy about being cheated on. Maybe it was an Oklahoma thing. At least Phil hadn’t dumped me for someone else, as far as I knew. Brianna sat forward a little. “And I almost gave up. I stopped trusting. I shut my heart down. That was until I started to think a different way and see myself in a better light. And that’s what I want to do for you girls—I want to bring out your inner goddess.” Goddess? Really? “To infuse some Oklahoma air into your city lungs”—she flicked her fingers into the air—“add in a dash of magic and see where we get to at the end of our five days together. If you trust me, you’ll leave happier than when you arrived. It’s as simple as that. What do y’all say?” I had little to lose. We were here now. I nodded. “Sounds great.” There just hadn’t been much detail—just talk of magic and goddesses. I wanted to know exactly what we’d be doing. When would we get the lessons on how to be better at figuring out what men wanted? Since no one else asked, I let it go. I just wanted to get started—I needed my plan back on track. “Keep open minds for five days and I promise you, your love lives will go from car crash to glass carriage. But I’m gonna need your trust. That means you too, Kennedy. I can see I’ll have to win you over but that’s my specialty.” She’d rightly worked out that Kennedy was the most cynical of us. Kennedy shrugged. “If you like, Barrett will take you to the local bar in thirty minutes. It’s just a mile or so down the road.” “Wow, we’re husband shopping already?” I asked. “Shoot some pool and whiskey, have a good evening, and then come back here, ready for the rest of your trip without alcohol, high heels or cell phones.” “Say what?” Kennedy said. “No phones?” I grimaced. The wrath of Kennedy wasn’t to be underestimated. But also, what if Phil called? Wanted to talk? Perhaps I’d been rash, bringing us all here to the middle of nowhere. “We don’t get much reception here anyway,” Brianna said, standing up and brushing off her jeans. Kennedy’s glare bored into the side of my face. She was pissed but I was nervous. I’d not expected to be uncontactable. “No cell phones?” she growled in my ear. “Honey, you’re not going to need any of that, believe me.” Brianna walked over to a large wooden chest and pulled out several bags. “Put all the essentials for camping in here.” She handed us each a backpack. “Then pack the rest up in your suitcase and leave it in your room. We’re getting back to basics, girls. Trust me, we’ll have so much fun.” Kennedy and Rose both looked like they’d taken a punch to the stomach. I’m sure the expression on my face wasn’t too different. “So, one last night of freedom before we enter the French Foreign Legion?” Kennedy asked. “Think of it as one last night before you start fresh tomorrow.” Brianna slapped her thighs and turned toward the staircase. “Your room is up the stairs, second on the left. Make sure y’all are down

here at six tomorrow morning, hung over or otherwise, and bring your phones and wallets. I’ll lock them away for safekeeping.” “You’re not going to give us a few more details about what to expect?” Rose asked. “Now what would be the fun in that?” Brianna responded with a small laugh. “I’m going to kill you,” Kennedy said when Brianna left. “Lighten up, anyone would think your phone doubled as your vibrator,” I said. “It’s five days.” Phil would wait, right? I mean if he wanted me back, a few days wouldn’t matter, would they? “We’ve just got to make the most of it.” Rose was ever practical. “It might be fun. It’s not like we’ll have anyone to impress with makeup and cute outfits,” she said as we headed to the stairs. “I bet we can find a few hot cowboys tonight. Barrett is all man,” Kennedy said, nudging me with her shoulder. “I’m sure he has some eligible friends. Then we can kill Mackenzie.” “Hey, she’s trying to fix our love lives. It could be worse,” Rose said. “At least we know she means well.” “I keep telling you, I’m happy with my love life. Who said that we’ve all got to settle down, get married and start popping out babies, anyway?” Kennedy talked a good game, but we all knew she used sex as a way of keeping men at arm’s length. “I’m going to get laid tonight. And you know what? I’m gonna get you guys laid too. That’ll cure you of your so-called loveaholicism and your bossaholicism.” “I’m happy to try both. I’m giving myself up to the universe.” Rose laughed. “And the local hottie,” Kennedy added. “Come on. Let’s make the most of our lip gloss,” I said as we took the stairs. I liked my home comforts as much as Kennedy and Rose, but I was willing to give them up for a few days to get my plan back on track. Phil might not call, ever. And if he didn’t then at least I’d have learned how to be a better girlfriend for the next guy. –––––––––– Barrett pulled to a stop on the main road outside a bar called Jimmy’s. It looked like we were in the center of town. There was a gas station across the street and a convenience store next to the bar, along with a couple of other stores that didn’t have their lights on. It seemed like this was it. Christie, Oklahoma. A few trucks were parked on the lot of Jimmy’s but there were no people. Not even a stoplight. If a piece of tumbleweed crossed our path that second, I wouldn’t have been surprised. I’d grown up in Boston, where there were no end of bright lights and hustle and bustle. I couldn’t imagine what growing up here would be like. It seemed so far away from Boston in every sense that doubt started to creep in. How could anything I learned here be applicable back in the real world? Barrett leaned across Kennedy, who had insisted on riding in the front, and reached into the glove box. “Here.” He tossed a flashlight onto her lap. “Remember to turn right out of Jimmy’s and keep going until you get back to the ranch.” “You’re not coming with us?” Kennedy asked as we climbed out of the truck. “Nope.” “Maybe pop in for a drink later. I’d love to hear all about what y’all do for fun around here.” Kennedy picked an imaginary piece of lint from Barrett’s sleeve and I rolled my eyes at her less-thansubtle flirting. She might as well just come right out and suggest they get naked and do the horizontal conga. Barrett’s eyes remained fixed on the windshield as we climbed out of the truck. The warmth was a

shock after even a few minutes in the air conditioning. I stood and tilted my head back. What they didn’t have in people they made up for in stars. I didn’t know there were that many in the sky. “Will we be safe?” Rose asked, fiddling with her glasses. “As long as the coyotes don’t get y’all,” Barrett replied and he sped off into the dark. “If we get eaten by coyotes, I’m going to let Kennedy kill you,” Rose said. “Drink enough vodka, and the coyotes won’t eat you. They don’t like the smell. I read that somewhere,” I said, grasping at straws. Hopefully if we were all drunk enough, the idea of being eaten by wild animals would be forgotten. “Sounds like a reason to get hammered,” Kennedy said. As we neared the entrance to the bar, the sound of laughter echoed around us. We exchanged grins. The three of us together could have fun in a garbage bag. Oklahoma would be no different. The hazy yellow light made the bar look like a another world. “What the fuck?” Kennedy said as she stepped through the door behind me. Ninety percent of the patrons were men dressed in jeans and cowboy hats. It looked like a bar I’d seen in a Clint Eastwood film. Dim lighting, a jukebox in the corner, a pool table on the opposite wall. Boston hadn’t seen a place like this since 1976. “What were you expecting?” I asked. “Neon and cocktails? I’ll get the drinks. You find a seat.” Some sad country song played in the background as I made my way to the bar. Most of the stools by the L-shaped bar were taken, but I squeezed between two men and tried to get the bartender ’s attention. I wasn’t about to make a fool of myself and order a cosmo, but I wasn’t sure what would be acceptable. I glanced over at Kennedy and Rose. Perhaps I should have left the drink buying to someone else. There were a million types of whiskey lined up on the wooden shelves behind the bar. I stood on tiptoes, trying to see if there were any fridges with wine in them below the rows of whiskey. I’d have thought a place like this would have a gray-haired guy in a plaid shirt who’d eaten too many steaks serving behind the bar, but the girl was in her thirties, hot, in an androgynous kind of way, and wore a surly expression. I smiled when I caught her eye but she ignored me and continued to chat to one of the customers nearer the door. Maybe there was table service? “Excuse me, sir,” I said to the older gentleman with a huge moustache next to me. “Is there table service, or should I just wait here?” “Gillian!” he bellowed. “The lady wants a drink. Would you do your damn job?” Gillian wandered over. “Calm down, Jed. I’m not taking the blame if you have another heart attack.” Gillian tucked her cloth into her apron and turned to me. “Hi,” she said, as she started lining up shot glasses in front of me. “Hi. Do you have any white wine?” I asked, half expecting her to toss me out on my ass. “Nope,” she said. “Whiskey. There are three of you?” “Yes, three.” Apparently you got what you were given in this bar. She poured out six shots of whiskey and placed them on a round metal tray. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever tasted the stuff, let alone done shots. “Sure you can manage in those shoes?” Gillian asked, her eyebrows raised, looking like she wouldn’t mind if I fell flat on my face. She had no idea I considered these flats. I could climb the Grand Canyon in these babies. “Thanks for your concern. I have it covered.” I picked up the tray and headed toward the pool table. At the end of the bar, Barrett slapped the guy next to him on the back and chuckled. Kennedy would be delighted that he’d had a change of heart and come back for a drink. I paused and looked more closely at his profile—his jaw, the dark stubble—my eyes tried to focus in the fuzzy light.

It wasn’t Barrett. The jet-black hair poking out from under his cap was the same but this guy looked taller, bigger in every way. My gaze was drawn to him as if he sat in a spotlight. It wasn’t just his lack of cowboy hat that made him stand out, or his T-shirt rather than the plaid shirts filling the bar. I squinted, trying to memorize every detail of his bronzed skin, the grip of his strong hands wrapped around his beer bottle and the knowing smile that seemed to stretch statewide. He took up space, occupying a small part of this world that was made just for him, as if he was nothing like any of the other patrons of this bar, and everyone knew it. He blinked long and slow, his dark lashes framing deep brown eyes, and my tray wobbled and I glanced down to ensure the drinks were still upright. When I looked back up, the stranger nodded at whatever the person next to him had just said. He seemed confident and relaxed and so out of place at the same time. I shivered and gripped the tray tighter. Wow, there were some good-looking men in this town. “Over here,” Rose shouted and it shook me out of my fascination. I turned, got my bearings and strode toward my friends, trying to shake off the feeling that maybe the guy at the bar was watching me and that perhaps I wanted him to be. We raised our glasses and threw back our shots. The whiskey was bitter and soft at the same time. I screwed up my face like I was sucking on a lemon. “Wow, that’s strong,” Rose said. I nodded, the taste still in my mouth. “But we need to get a little drunk to get a little laid.” I shook my head. “I’m not getting a little or a lot laid.” I glanced back at the bar, drawn to the profile of the tall, dark stranger. “You know that’s not my M.O.” “And how’s that M.O. working out for you, Mac?” Kennedy asked. “Isn’t that the whole reason you’re here? To switch things up?” “Yes and I’m sure to be learning a lot in the next few days.” I wondered what exactly we would be doing. Brianna was a psychologist, so maybe there would be classes? “Nothing to stop you from starting now.” Kennedy handed me my second shot. “You’re in the middle of nowhere. This is the perfect place for a one-night stand. We’re here for five days and we’ll never be back. You’ll never run into them again and your mom will never know.” She glanced over my shoulder and winked. I turned and saw the object of her attention. A tall, blond guy holding a pool cue. I wasn’t sure if it was the man or the pool she was interested in. Everything was just so easy for Kennedy. She wanted sex so she found a man and fucked him. I’d had a couple of casual relationships in college, but since then I had a boyfriend-only policy when it came to sex. “You are single,” Rose said. “And it might help you get over Phil. It’s been weeks.” I glanced at the bar again. There was something about the stranger I’d seen that meant I wasn’t dismissing the possibility of a one-night stand, despite what I was saying to my friends. I wanted to know more about him, hear his voice, feel his breath on my neck. Could it be good for me? Could I justify it as therapy? The start of Love Rehab? I threw back my second shot; it went down more smoothly than the first. “How about I try to change the music, get us some more shots and scan the bar for a possibility of talking to a man? It’s my final offer.” I tilted my head to one side. “Jeez, you drive a hard bargain,” Kennedy said. “But okay. And in the meantime, I’ll introduce us to these guys, get us playing some pool and see which one you’re going to hook up with.” Kennedy was the most tenacious person I met. But she also made a lot of sense. If I wanted a one-night stand, this was the place to do it. In the middle of nowhere, where I had no expectation about what would happen afterward and where no one knew me. And that guy at the bar . . . A conversation with him

wouldn’t hurt, would it?

Blake Christie, Oklahoma. It was always where I ended up. Though I grew up here, and my parents and brothers still lived here, it didn’t feel like home anymore. My life now was so removed from the ranch that every now and then I found it difficult to remember my childhood—at least until I came back. And I always came back. Sometimes it was for celebrations—birthdays and the holidays. Other times to heal—from a broken heart or when my grandma died. This time it was because I had a decision to make. I breathed in the familiar, comforting scent of wood and stale beer as I entered Jimmy’s to meet my brother. The bar hadn’t changed in the slightest since my mother had sent us here as kids to collect our Dad on Sunday nights—a day consisting of the holy trinity of church, family and friends. The faces got a little more ragged and new ones appeared every year, but coming back always felt like slipping on an old pair of boots I’d found at the back of the closet. I slid onto the worn barstool next to Bentley, picked up the beer my brother had ordered for me and tapped the bottle against his. “Thanks, little brother.” “You’re welcome. You being in town’s a special occasion.” When I’d first moved to Oklahoma City after college, I’d always assumed I’d come back most weekends, but these days work was demanding, I had a social life and, until recently, a girlfriend who kept me busy. So I spent less and less time in Christie. Being back here was comforting, despite the ribbing from Bentley. “So what brings you home? You break up with that hot piece of ass again?” Bentley asked. “Jesus, Bentley. Don’t refer to my ex-girlfriend as a piece of ass.” “I didn’t. I said she was a hot piece of ass.” As he spoke to me, he winked at someone across the room. No doubt at a hot piece of ass. “I have no idea how any girl is fool enough to date you.” My brother had always had plenty of female attention. Frankly, none of the McKenna boys did badly. We’d done well in the genetic lottery, or so I’d been told. “I don’t date women. I show them a good time. Anyway, this isn’t about me. Talk to your little brother. Is this trip about a woman?” “I don’t just come home when I break up with someone.” “No, you also come home on the holidays. It’s not Christmas, so it must be about a girl.” I took a swig of my beer. “Just got things on my mind, decisions to make. I needed a bit of Christie air.” “A bit of Christie ass wouldn’t go amiss, I bet.” Bentley scanned the bar. “What about Julie?” “I didn’t come here to hook up.” I had a decision to make between work and family, reality and a possibility—between Oklahoma and Boston. Back home, where every ambition I’d ever had took root, seemed to be the right place to come. But Bentley was right, my dick was in need of attention. I’d fucked a couple of women since Stacey, and it just hadn’t been enough. Maybe I had a low boredom threshold, but I wasn’t looking for another faceless fuck. I had too much career stuff to start thinking about women. But it would

probably mean I’d end up with callouses on my right hand the way I was going. “So confide in your little brother. It’s not just Brianna that dishes out life advice around here.” Bentley twisted in his seat so he was almost facing me. I drew circles on the bar with my beer bottle, the drag of glass against woodgrain almost soothing. “Just had a job offer is all. Need to do some thinking.” “An offer here in Christie?” His eyes shot up. Why would he think that I’d been offered a job here in Christie? Christie was many things, but a center of biochemistry it wasn’t. “No, not in Christie. A food company wants to fund my start-up—my own business.” “Hell, that sounds impressive. So, if it’s your own business then you can run it from where you like, so you could come back home.” I sighed, held my still-cold bottle to my lips and tipped my head back. Coming back to Christie wasn’t an option for me. Bentley wasn’t the only one in my family who didn’t get that. It was why I wasn’t here to get his take on things. I just wanted a beer and to hang out with my little brother. Take the pressure off. “They want me on the East Coast. It’s their money, so they make the rules.” “Doesn’t sound much like your own business to me,” he said as he leaned back on his stool. “Having you back here in Christie would be awesome.” I patted him firmly on the shoulder. “Think of all the tail we could chase.” I’d mistaken his sentiment and I rolled my eyes, taking another swig of my beer. “I’m just sayin’, Oklahoma City is far enough away, why would you want to go up north?” I had just been offered a promotion at the place I’d worked since college. Choosing between Oklahoma or the start-up felt as if I would be giving up something really good either way. But a business of my own? Hadn’t that always been the dream? “It’s a pretty sweet offer,” I replied. “Nothing’s as sweet as this great state. I mean it. What more could you want? Bet you don’t get these big skies up north, or ass that fine.” He gestured toward a group of girls by the pool table. Didn’t he see they were city girls? I guess he’d never spent enough time in the city to realize. Bentley was the only one of us that hadn’t gone to college. He’d never wanted anything more than what Christie and our family ranch had to offer. At times, I was envious at how easy it had been for him; he’d kind of slipped into adulthood without so much as a scratch. He’d graduated from high school one day and started full time on the ranch the next morning. And he was happy as a clam. If only my life could be that simple. Bentley’s cell buzzed on the bar. “Speaking of a hot piece of ass.” Bentley grinned as he picked up his phone and headed outside. “Gillian,” I called and raised up my beer bottle to get another drink. I should really keep a clear head, but I needed another beer to deal with the thought of spending the next few days being bossed around by my sister. Great with advice, Brianna’d told me that if I wanted to talk, I’d have to help out on the ranch, camping with her and some friends. That I could handle, maybe. As the music turned to something up-tempo, I twisted in my seat to check out the reason for the change. A redhead in skin-tight jeans poured over Jimmy’s jukebox. Looking at her more closely, I could tell she was definitely part of the group of city girls by the pool table. I was sure I’d remember an ass like that, and she had a gloss about her—the shiny hair, the designer clothes—that you didn’t see much of in Christie. Red flung her arms in the air when the next song started to play. Lady Gaga? I was going to have to have a word with Jimmy, out-of-towners or not. She threw her head back, laughing, and the curve

of her neck had me mesmerized as I imagined running my hot fingers over the cool alabaster white of her skin. Her hair fell over her shoulders and I dragged my eyes down to her hips that swayed one way and then the other, almost begging me to grab on and hold tight. I took a swig of my beer in an effort to break the spell her body was casting, but I continued to watch as Red bounced over to the pool table to join her friends and threw back a shot. She licked her lips free of whiskey before I could offer to do it for her. She was in a better mood than I was, but watching her I couldn’t stop myself from grinning—like she was infecting me with her energy. I took another gulp of beer, enjoying the warmth that flooded my limbs. I should turn away, take the opportunity to mentally assess my options while Bentley was gone but I just couldn’t stop staring. Red and her two friends chatted to some guys I recognized from two towns over, who were clearly liking their chances. Groans followed by high fives from the pool table suggested the end of a game. Would Red play next? I’d enjoy watching her bent over the table. Part of me wanted to go over and ask for a game, introduce myself, but I needed to keep my focus—I was in Christie for a reason and that reason wasn’t Red. She took a cue from one of the guys, tightly wrapping her hand around the middle and cocking out her hip, emphasizing her small waist. Her jeans looked like they’d been sprayed on and images of me peeling them off, revealing more of that smooth white skin, flashed through my head. Some women always acted as if they had an audience—they understood the power their body had and ensured when they were in a room, everyone was looking at them. But Red wasn’t being deliberately flirtatious or sexy. She seemed not to see the attention she was attracting and that just made her all the more appealing. Maybe a little distraction might take my mind off deciding the direction of the rest of my life. I was about to stand when Red threw a look over her shoulder and met my stare as if she’d felt me looking at her. With that single glance, I knew I had to speak to her. I nodded, and lifted my bottle. She turned and headed toward me. Next thing I knew, I could feel the heat rolling off her hot body as she settled in next to me, smiling as she leaned over the polished-wood bar. She raised her hand to get Gillian’s attention. “I don’t think she likes me much,” Red said, twisting to face me. The pulse in my neck quickened and, across my body, my muscles tensed. She was gorgeous, even more so close up. Her skin was pale, as if it’d never seen the sun. Her light green eyes held a thousand secrets and I wanted to know every one. Dark red hair fell in waves across her shoulders and down her back. I gripped my beer bottle tighter to stop myself from sliding my palm under her shirt and over that perfect skin. “Don’t take it personally,” I replied. “Gillian, can I get a drink?” I bellowed down the bar. “What can I get you?” I asked Red, trailing my gaze from those beautiful eyes to her full, pouty lips, then down to the milky white of her chest and back up. “I’m getting a few drinks for me and my girlfriends.” She pointed over her shoulder toward the pool table with her thumb. “So, what can I get y’all?” She laughed completely unselfconsciously and I felt my cheeks heat. Was she laughing at me? With a smile that pretty, I’d probably forgive her this once, perhaps make her pay when I got her naked. “You don’t have the accent for y’all. You not from around here?” “Born and raised. Lost my twang in college.” I’d always denied it, but after a semester at Harvard I’d buried the accent so people would stop making assumptions. Even after I’d dropped out and

transferred to UT Austin, I’d never let my accent return. I hadn’t been long at Harvard but it had left its mark. “So you’re a cowboy at heart, despite your hat?” She tugged at the bill of my cap and I caught a whiff of her scent. She smelled like the city. And lilac. “It’s in my blood.” That’s what Barrett kept telling me anyway. He’d never understood why I hadn’t moved back to Christie after college. My siblings would probably spend the rest of their days in this town. After college I’d had job offers all over the country, including Massachusetts, despite not graduating from Harvard. The Northeast was full of companies wanting to employ biochemistry graduates, but a job in Oklahoma City had kept me closer to home. “More whiskey?” Gillian asked. Red nodded and held up six fingers. “Put that on my tab,” I said as Gillian lined up shot glasses on a tray. “I’m Blake,” I said, as Gillian filled the last glass. I wasn’t quite ready for Red to wander off with her tray and back to the Langley guys. I wanted to look at her some more, talk to her some more, maybe lick some whiskey off those full red lips. Yup, there was a definite reaction in my pants to that mouth. She smiled and cocked her head. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Uncowboy. I’m Mackenzie.” I was about to ask her what she was doing in town when one of her friends, a brunette, taller than Mackenzie, joined us. “Hi,” she said, making no attempt to disguise her looking me up and down. “I’m Blake,” I replied. She nodded but didn’t offer her own name as she grabbed two shots off the tray and placed them on the bar in front of Mackenzie. “Prove it,” she said and offered me her upturned palm. “Let’s see your driver ’s license.” Was she serious? She didn’t move so I pulled out my wallet and handed over my license. She glanced at it and passed it back to me without a word. She took the tray with the remaining four shots, narrowed her eyes at me, then spoke to Red. “I approve,” she said, “but make sure he wears protection and don’t go back to his place.” Then she turned back to me. “I promised my friend here a hot hookup. Don’t disappoint me.” I turned back to Red. She grinned and shook her head. “I know; we’re just talking. Don’t mind her. She’s drunk and a sexaholic. I’m not sure she can think about anything else.” Mackenzie, naked and writhing under me, was all I could think of in that moment as she beamed at me. If she was looking for a hot hookup, I was pretty sure I could help her with that. “Well, with you standing here in front of me, I think I may have caught the same disease.” She raised her eyebrows and smiled. “Wow, Uncowboy, you’re mighty forward, aren’t you?” I didn’t want there to be any doubt that I wanted her. There was something about her that was acutely familiar, but impossibly exotic at the same time. She was incredibly sexy but had a naïvety lingering under the surface that made me want to understand her better. The way her eyes flickered over my face as if trying to commit me to memory made me want to kiss her. “When I see something I want, I have a hard time sitting idly by.” I’d always been unbelievably driven and having her so close was sending jolts to my crotch. I knew I had to have more—so much for me keeping a clear head. “Oh yeah? What’s your M.O. in such a situation?” She moved a fraction closer and I leaned in until we were almost touching. I took a breath of lilac. “I like to tailor my strategy to the circumstances. So, in this instance, I might tell you how beautiful you look.” I shrugged as if my cock wasn’t hardening. “Probably tell you how I noticed you at the jukebox and wondered how your ass would feel in my hands.” Her

mouth parted and her breathing became shallow. “I might lean forward as if to whisper something.” I dropped my lips below her ear and smiled at the way her fingers tightened around the edge of the bar. “Then tell you how much I’d like to kiss every part of you.” “Okay, I like that plan,” she replied, her breathing choppy. “I’m glad you do.” She had a smattering of freckles on her nose that would be cute if she weren’t so fucking gorgeous. The more I stared at her, the more I learned about her and the greedier for her I got. A beat of silence passed between us. She nodded slowly. “I’m just in town for a few days, and tonight I’ve been instructed to let loose. So you think you can help me with that?” I twisted my cap. “I think I can handle it.” Career choices would have to wait. “Good enough for me.” She threw back a shot. I left some money on the bar. Mackenzie’s hand on my leg, tantalizingly close to my cock, made me freeze. “Let’s go,” she said, but although her words were confident, there was a stiffness about her that made me think being with me was almost a challenge for her. I’d soon set her straight. –––––––––– “Here we are.” I put the car in park and turned off the engine, keeping the headlights on. The light reflected in the still water in front of us and lit up the reeds on the bank of the lake, the stillness of the air, the heat and the light almost giving it the feel that we were indoors, or on a movie set. “Girls let you bring them out here?” Red asked, scowling out the windshield at the lake, her hands bunched in her lap. Part of our family’s land, this place was special to me and I’d been coming down here since I could walk. First to fish with my dad and brothers, then later to get perspective. There was never anyone here—it was like my own private sanctuary, a great place to think and plan for a world outside of Christie. I grinned, trying to put her at ease. “I have a very trustworthy face and anyway, it’s beautiful. Come on. We can just sit and enjoy the view. No pressure.” I cocked my head toward the door. She gave me a small smile and nodded. “Okay, Uncowboy.” She opened the door and hopped out. As I stepped out of the truck I took a deep breath of fresh, Christie air, grabbed a blanket and bottle of water from the back and headed out in front of the headlights to join Mackenzie, who stood facing the lake. Her hair glimmered a thousand shades of red. “This is like something from a book,” she said. “How so?” “You know, meeting a cowboy in a bar, driving to a spot like this to make out.” “Except I’m not a cowboy.” I shook out the blanket and laid it on the ground. I crouched, looking up as she turned. “Ah, yes. You have the wrong hat. So what do boys in caps do?” I reached out, encouraging her toward me. “I’m a biochemist.” “Not just a pretty face, huh?” I chuckled, took her hand and guided her into my lap. She settled between my thighs and relaxed against my chest as if we had known each other our whole lives and did this every weekend. Being here, in Christie, by the lake, with her, so obviously an out-of-towner, felt right. She seemed to fit here with me—both of us just passing through, lost and looking for something. I buried my face in her neck, breathing in more of her lilac scent. Her body heat merged into me as I circled her waist with my hands and she rested her arms on top of mine. How was it that holding a

woman could sometimes be so much more intimate than fucking? “So what brings you to town?” She turned and placed her index finger over my lips to stop any more questions. Worked for me, we weren’t there to swap stories. I lifted my arms as she stripped off my T-shirt, then ran her palms over my chest. Working on the ranch had ensured all the McKenna brothers were fit, and I’d started running and doing a few weights to make sure I didn’t lose any definition while living in Oklahoma City. I found I needed the balance between the physical and the mental. It was part of the reason I could never come back to the ranch permanently—it just wasn’t enough. “You have a nice body,” she whispered. I grabbed her face, pushing my lips to hers, and pulled us both back onto the blanket. She tasted of whiskey and summer and I couldn’t help but groan at such an intoxicating combination. I traced my tongue along the seam of her lips and she opened her mouth, eager and hungry. I rolled her over as she thrust her fingers through my hair pushing off my cap. “I like you without the hat.” I bent, kissing down her neck, unbuttoning her shirt as I dipped between her breasts. She pulled her top free of her jeans and over her head. A red lace bra that matched her hair held her small, pert breasts. I sucked at her nipples through the lace, enjoying the way they hardened under my tongue. “Blake,” she whispered. “Blake, Blake, Blake.” I wanted my name to be a scream, not a whisper, when it fell from her lips. I pulled at the button on her jeans. Clearly impatient, she took over, pushing down the tight denim to reveal a skimpy red thong. The only thing better than a woman wearing a thong was a woman who wasn’t wearing anything. I took in a breath at the sight of the wetness darkening the lace. I couldn’t wait to taste it. “You’re beautiful, Mackenzie,” I said, hooking my index finger in the front of her underwear. “I think I’ll keep these.” I pulled them off and held them to my nose, breathing in the scent of her sex, then stuffed them in my pocket. She was naked apart from her bra, her smooth, milky-white curves highlighted by the lights of my truck, in stark contrast with the tumble of red hair—she was contradiction embodied. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever seen a woman look so sexy. There was something in the way she looked at me—reticence and impatience mixed together—that left her vulnerable and open and I wanted to reassure her, tell her I’d keep her safe. I took my time, gazing at her body, taking in every angle of her—her firm thighs she was squeezing together, her beautiful pussy begging to be tasted, her small, tight breasts, nipples puckering under my gaze. God, she was perfect. She shivered, breaking my concentration. “Are you cold?” She shook her head. “When you look at me like that, it’s like you’re worshipping my body.” I bent, smoothing my palms over her flat stomach. “I think I am.” I slid my hands lower and pulled her thighs apart. “What are you doing?” Her body tensed. I settled between her legs. “I’m going to make you scream,” I replied. I wanted to be surrounded by her, wanted to show her what I could do to her. It was as if I had something to prove to her. She tried to twist away. “I won’t hurt you.” Gently I pulled her back into position. “Trust me.” “I’m not sure . . . You don’t have to.” I wanted her to be sure. To be sure of me, of what we were doing. Mackenzie seemed sexually confident back at Jimmy’s. She kept surprising me at every turn. “I want to.” How could she think that being buried in her would be anything other than what I wanted? I stroked my thumbs over her hip

bones, leaned forward to kiss her stomach, once, twice and she began to sink into the blanket as she relaxed. Pressing my tongue over her clit, I slid down to her opening and then back up. She jerked up onto her elbows, squirming as if she were a little uncomfortable with what was about to happen. “Trust me,” I whispered. Was it because I was a stranger or was she like this with every man who wanted to go down on her, wanted to please her? I loved going down on a woman. Relished how every pulse, every throb, told me how I was doing —immediate feedback, no faking it. She sighed and opened her legs wider, and I couldn’t help but grin against her sex. I rounded my tongue across her clit, pressing and flicking. Red’s breathing got louder, turning into moans as she dragged her fingers across my scalp. She wouldn’t take long. I stroked her entrance with my thumb and she bucked against me. “Sorry,” she cried. She had nothing to be sorry for—she was so responsive it was intoxicating. Her hands slid into my hair as I went deeper. She tasted delicious, so warm and ready. My other hand reached for her lace-covered nipple. She shifted, pulling off her bra entirely and giving me access to her perfectly round tits. I sunk my thumb deeper and she cried out. The tightness around my fingers told me she was close, and I groaned at the thought of her clamped around my dick. I wanted to get her off as soon as I could, to please her, to make her mine in some way but at the same time wanted to draw the moment out forever—get her to confess all her secrets. Her confidence growing, she began to rock her hips against my mouth, and I tried to fight my smile at her obvious pleasure. My dick strained against my zipper, and I had to move my hand from her tits to palm my cock. Jesus I was going to have to get inside her soon. She whimpered at the loss of my fingers around her nipple, so I sucked and licked with increasing pressure, pushing my thumb in as deep as it would go and circling as much as her tight muscles would let me. Her body stiffened and she cried out, “Blake. Jesus, Blake.” I moved my thumb out and over her clit as I pulled myself up so I could watch her come. Eyes squeezed shut and her mouth parted, she looked wild and vulnerable. I pressed my lips against hers. I wasn’t nearly done tasting her. Instantly her tongue snaked around mine and she cradled my neck. I trailed my fingers over her stomach and she shuddered. Her body was hot and sensitive but limp—sedated. I could kiss her all night—her softness and her strength wound round me, pulling me toward her. There was no room for anything else. No room to think about my career, or my future. I was stuck in the moment—just where I needed to be. I wanted her, needed her. Yes, I was hard and she was ready, but the air buzzed between us suggesting that fucking her would move me closer to the answers I needed. And I couldn’t wait another second. Neither could she. “You’re good at that, Uncowboy,” she whispered as I kicked off my jeans. “I’m good at a lot of things.” I bent and sucked on one of her nipples as I fisted my cock in my hand. “I do believe that’s my job,” she said, replacing my hand with her own. I snapped my head back as her fingers surrounded me, though her grip wasn’t quite as tight as I knew her pussy would be. She twisted and pulled her hand over my dick, and it took every ounce of self-control not to let

myself explode right that second. The thought of being buried in her was the only thing that stopped me. I didn’t want to end my pleasure now when I knew that being deep inside her would be even sweeter. I reached for my wallet and a condom. Mackenzie released my cock and it slapped against my stomach. She took the silver packet from me, and her eyes never left mine as she rolled on the condom. I bit the inside of my cheek at the greedy look in her eyes as she watched me trail my dick over her stomach and stop at her entrance. “Ready?” I asked. “You can feel how wet you got me.” I didn’t need any other invitation. I bent forward so my forehead touched hers, and tried to concentrate on not coming as I pushed myself into her tight, wet pussy. God she was perfect. She pulled up her legs and with them circled my waist. “You feel so good,” she whispered. “So hard.” I was going to have to block out her words if I had a chance of lasting more than fifteen seconds. I pried her lips open with mine and took a deep, urgent kiss as I dragged out of her. I couldn’t bring myself to pull back too far; I just needed to create a bit of friction. I circled my hips as I pushed back in and she cried out into my mouth. I swallowed her noises, making them part of me. My lust wasn’t enough. I wanted hers, too. She trailed her hands down my back, then let her fingernails bite into my ass. I exhaled, grateful for the distraction the pain gave me. Maybe it would mean I’d last a few more seconds. I shifted. I wanted to see that beautiful skin, those piercing eyes. I kneeled back and pulled her up and onto my thighs. She cried out loud enough for the people at Jimmy’s to hear her. I swept my hand across her stomach, then lower, brushing my thumb over her clit. “Hey.” She grabbed my wrist. “Are you sore?” Selfishly, I wanted her to be, wanted her to remember tonight. Remember me. She moaned and twisted her hips. “What are you doing?” “Red, you gotta stop asking me the obvious. I’m making you come.” I pressed against her nub, pushing and pulsing as I stabbed my hips forward as deep as I could go. “No,” she moaned. I froze. “No? You don’t want to come?” She let go of my wrist and ran her hands up her body. “Yes,” she corrected. “I just—” She tightened around me. She wasn’t going to last long. I grabbed her hip with one hand and pulled her deeper onto me. She arched her back and screamed my name just as I’d imagined. I hoped the whole town heard. She was the sexiest girl I’d ever seen and getting her to come twice in just a few minutes made me feel like I could do just about anything. I couldn’t hold back—in three short strokes my orgasm barreled down my spine, pushing out from under my skin. I collapsed on top of her, spent, exhausted. Rolling to her side, I pulled her toward me until her head was on my chest, her hair sprayed out across her back. I kissed her forehead and she murmured, “She promised some magic.” “What did you say?” She didn’t respond and I couldn’t say anything more. She’d stolen all my words. I just stroked her back as she mumbled something incoherent and tucked my free arm behind my head, looking out onto the lake—my mind utterly blank. ––––––––––

The call of the herons nudged me toward wakefulness. As I opened my eyes, it took a second to work out where I was and why I was hearing wildlife rather than car horns. Christie, right. The smell of lilac and the warm soft body against mine reminded me that I wasn’t alone, that and the bone-numbing relaxation that came from great sex and sleeping under the stars. I checked my watch. Five-thirty. I’d promised to be up and ready at the ranch by six. “Red?” I asked, stroking her back. I didn’t want to wake her but wanted to be on the end of my sister ’s sharp tongue even less. She stirred, running her hand across my chest as if we were used to sleeping together, as if it were natural to be waking beside a lake, naked and on top of a total stranger. The sun had started to come up, but it wasn’t light yet. It was the best part of the day, in a beautiful part of the world. The water shimmered and the air seemed even fresher than usual. Every day was a new start in Christie—that’s how life in the country worked, and sometimes I missed that. Mackenzie’s skin almost glowed, a mixture of the half-light and the reflection of her hair against her chalky body. My dick stirred as her hand slid across my chest. I tried to work out how I could fit in another couple of orgasms—I hadn’t quite had my fill of the girl beside me. “Sorry, I fell asleep.” She didn’t look at me but her body went rigid. I smoothed my hand down her back. “We both did, but I have to get back.” She sat up, wrapping her arms over her breasts as she searched for clothes amongst the tangle of blankets and limbs. “It’s already hot.” I wanted to stop and drink her in, have her look at me the way she had last night after she’d come against my tongue—as if she were letting me into a place she’d never showed anyone. “It is.” I grabbed my jeans and dressed, not able to take my eyes off of her as she shrugged on clothes. “Can you drop me off first?” She finally looked at me, panic in her furrowed brow and her narrowed eyes. Was she regretting her hookup? I’d not been looking for anything, but last night with her had been kinda perfect. An uncomplicated distraction—one night of losing ourselves in each other. “Of course. Where do you need to go?” I was going to have be quick. “McKenna Ranch. I think it’s just after the Welcome to Christie sign on the right, or it could have been the left.”

Mackenzie “We’ve got ten minutes, you dirty whore.” Kennedy’s voice could carry across the state. “Get your ass out of that shower.” I grinned as the warm water cascaded over my body. Guilt mixed with excitement swirled in my belly. Last night with Blake hadn’t promised a future. In fact, it had promised nothing and it had been . . . liberating. Casual sex had punctuated my chapter of relationship failures. It felt good not to feel so bad, not to be mired in thoughts of Phil or worry about my plan. All I could think about was the present and the glorious new buzz in my thighs and why it was there. “Mackenzie,” Rose called from the bedroom. “We’re going to be late.” I glanced at the clock— twenty minutes to get unpacked, repacked, washed and dressed. I was wasting time, but I wanted to bathe a little longer in the memory of getting lost under someone’s tongue, the drag of his cock inside me, being free to come once and then again. “Coming,” I replied, sniggering. I’d done that plenty last night. It wasn’t like a guy had never gone down on me. All my boyfriends had. But it wasn’t something I encouraged or particularly enjoyed. Not until last night. Previously it had always felt as if it was what a man was doing to earn a blowjob—it felt like currency. But Blake had eaten me out like I was his last supper, and I’d let him. I’d been reluctant at first. I didn’t want him to expect anything from me in return, but as he spread his palms against my skin, pushing my thighs wide, he hadn’t taken the hint. It was as if he’d wanted it. Enjoyed it. And for the first time in my life, I’d come without using my fingers. Twice. I’d only been in Oklahoma a matter of hours and there were already so many firsts. Easy orgasms, leg-shaking oral sex, multiple orgasms in a single night. Blake hadn’t acted as if I’d been selfish when I’d come under him, shaking, screaming his name. Quite the opposite, it was as if he’d reveled in it. As if that was how it was meant to be. I shut off the shower, grabbed a towel from the rail, wrapped it tightly around myself, and summoned the energy to move fast. I wanted to pull my girls aside and ask them very precise details about their sex lives. Was their experience the same as mine? Was Blake some kind of sexual superhero? Or could the mind-blowing things I’d experienced last night be normal for people? Kennedy talked about orgasms a lot—we all did—but I wondered if Kennedy and Rose had to work quite as hard to get there, or if they had faked them quite as often as I had. Kennedy swung open the bathroom door and it banged against the wall. “What the fuck? I expected you to be the one berating us into being ready for Brianna.” My mind still woozy from a hangover, lack of sleep and satiating orgasms, I smiled at her. “Seriously, it’s not like he took your virginity.” Hadn’t he? “Get it together and stop grinning like you’re high or I’ll feed you to the hyenas tonight.” Kennedy was buckling her belt. “Come on, you need to switch into warp speed. We’ve only got five minutes.”

Shit, I was never late. My stomach dropped. “Sorry, I’ll just be a minute.” This was why I no longer did stuff like have one-night stands with strangers; it threw me off course, turned me into someone I wasn’t. I needed to get my head into what the Love Rehab had to offer. To concentrate on getting the future I wanted. Last night was about fleeting pleasure. Today was about the rest of my life. Ten minutes later we followed Brianna out of the front door of the ranch house and across the driveway, carrying our ginormous backpacks. Two additional girls joined us out on the porch. I squinted out across the farm. The sun had almost completely risen and the way the light caught the corners of the barn confirmed that we were still on this strange new planet we’d landed on yesterday. I took a deep breath. After last night, I believed even more strongly than ever that coming here could provide the answers I needed. It was as if anything was possible. Having to get dressed so quickly had cleared my head of the previous night and I was ready for business. Desperate for my fresh start. “This way,” Brianna called, pointing down a dirt track past the barn. “I just know they’re going to be teacher ’s pets,” Rose said, nodding toward the other two girls. “They’ve got to the front already. Maybe we should speed up and get ahead of them.” Kennedy snorted. “Who fucking cares. We’re not graded. This isn’t an exam for you to obsess over.” No, it was more important than that. Getting through Love Rehab would deliver me my happily ever after, produce the Anthony to my Cleopatra, the Ryan Gosling to my Emma Stone. This was much more important than any exam. I wanted my plan back on track; I wanted the perfect life I’d always imagined. I agreed with Rose. We should push to the front, get the best view. I couldn’t afford to miss anything. Since I was little, I’d made my grandmother tell me how she met my grandfather over and over again. To me their story was better than any book or movie. They had met at a dinner party of mutual friends and had been seated next to each other. There was nothing exciting or unusual about the circumstances. What I loved was that from the first smile exchanged, both of them had known they’d be together forever. My grandmother had told me that butterflies exploded in her stomach at her first glance at my grandfather. When they left the party, after only exchanging a few words, my grandfather helped my grandmother on with her coat and escorted her home. There was no discussion, just an understanding that that was how it would be. Because they both felt it. They knew. They didn’t need to deliberate. It just was. Six weeks later, they’d married, and they’d never been apart since. That was how it was supposed to be for me. Except that it hadn’t happened yet. I kept thinking things were going to plan only to discover it had been a false start. When was I going to get the story I’d tell my granddaughter? Well, today was going to show me how. I grinned across at Rose. This was it. Things were about to slot into place. “Here we are,” Brianna said, holding open a large metal gate, herding us through to a pen as if we were cattle. I wrinkled my nose. There was a definite smell of animals. Brianna pointed to the left where there were two long logs arranged next to each other, under the shade of a corrugated iron bunker. “Take a seat.” I shrugged off my already heavy pack and dropped it next to Rose’s and Kennedy’s, then sat down. The other two girls were sitting to our right with their legs outstretched, chatting as if they came here all the time. Brianna held out a basket to Rose. “Please put in your mobile devices. I’ll let you have them back when we’re done.”

I’d been hoping she’d forgotten the cell phone surrender. My phone went everywhere with me. Would she believe me if I told her I’d left it back in our bedroom? What if Phil changed his mind and called? Things would be so much easier that way. We could get married, I could get on with my plan and get my mother off my back. When Phil dumped me, she’d told me I needed to get better at putting someone else’s needs first. She made me feel like it had been all my fault. Perhaps it was. If I’d been able to be the girl Phil wanted to marry, we’d still be engaged and I wouldn’t be in Christie, Oklahoma. “Can we have our phones once a day?” I asked, trying to mask the panic I felt at giving mine up. “I’m afraid not,” Brianna replied. “The whole point of this retreat is to take you outside your ordinary life, where the ways you normally cope aren’t available. It’s too easy to distract yourself with email and social media when what you really need to do is think.” Think? I needed to be learning how to be a better fiancée, how to stop men from falling out of love with me. I’d thought enough. I knew what I wanted. I just had to learn how to get it. “So when do we get our phones back?” Rose asked. “Not until your last day,” Brianna replied as Rose dropped her phone into the basket. “I’m going to kill you,” Kennedy whispered into my ear as she pulled her cell out of her pocket. “You’ll get used to it. It gives your brain more space. Trust me.” Brianna set the basket down and clapped her hands together as if to indicate that was the end of the discussion. “So, we’ll be hiking to our campsite after this morning’s activities, so I hope you’re wearing your sunscreen.” I braced myself for the impending barrage of expletives that were about to fall from Kennedy’s mouth, but instead she leaned toward me and hissed, “You owe me so big for this.” Kennedy had grown up on an estate in Weston, her mother a socialite and her father a doctor from a well-known New York family, which, thankfully for me, meant that the manners instilled in her since birth required that if she was going to chop me up and feed me to the hyenas, she do it in private. I was safe, for as long as there were people around. “But first, I’d like to welcome Robert, who’s here to introduce you to his horse Lady Luck.” I turned my head at the clanking of the gate to see an older man in a huge cowboy hat lead a large gray horse with a white mane into the pen. Trailing behind him was . . . I squinted and shaded my eyes from the sun with my hand. Fuck. No. Those arms, those boots . . . My heart started to thunder. This couldn’t be happening. Today was a fresh start. But there weren’t many men around here that wore baseball caps, from what I’d seen. Was Christie really that small? “My brother Blake will be helping us out with some of the camping.” Blake. The one-night stand I was never meant to see again. The one who’d given me a night of blissful, leg-shaking orgasms, and this morning we’d parted, never to see each other again. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. He’d changed his T-shirt and jeans since I’d left him in the truck. As he walked toward us, Blake turned his head, looked me straight in the eye and gave a small, almost imperceptible shake of his head. He hadn’t smiled or waved, but he’d definitely seen me, acknowledged me even. I let the scene replay in my head. He hadn’t wanted anyone else to see an exchange between us. Fuck him. I was the one that was embarrassed. I was the one that had been promised I’d never have to run into him again. I was the one with my fate in his sister ’s hands. Putting my head in my hands, I stared at the ground. At the moment, I couldn’t get anything right

when it came to men. I couldn’t even do a one-night stand properly. Anger gave way to the anxiety unfurling in my stomach, reminding me why I didn’t do casual sex. I liked order and rules and control—I needed a plan. I didn’t want messy. I didn’t like ambiguity. I’d dragged us all here to cure us, but I seemed to be veering off track even further. What had I been thinking? I shot a glance at Blake. Brow furrowed, he stood near the horse, twisting his hat—clearly uncomfortable. Jesus, did he think I was going to jump him? My stomach churned—another rejection, this time from a man who hardly knew me. What was wrong with me? I wanted to run. To leave Christie, go back to my apartment and crawl under my duvet and never come out. Brianna started to clap again and I realized that I’d missed what she’d been saying. Fuck. I wasn’t going to have come all this way, made such a huge deal of it to Kennedy and Rose, spent a pile of money I didn’t have and then let him ruin this for me. I had to pay attention. Today might be uncomfortable, but I had to think about my end game. Just because Blake was here didn’t mean I was letting go of my happy ever after. “Do any of you know horses?” Robert asked. I shook my head, grateful to have caught the question. I could do this. I just needed to pretend he didn’t exist. Looking as if he should be well into his retirement, Robert wore the regulation cowboy hat over a mass of white hair spreading across his face down to his neck. There didn’t seem to be any gap between where his hair ended and his beard started—he looked like a cowboy crossed with Santa. “The thing about horses is they’re animals of honor. They understand truth and authenticity. You hear the phrase horse whispering?” Cowboy Santa asked. Everyone nodded. “Well, that’s not what we’re going to be doing. The horse is going to hear our truths today. But let me warn you, Lady here can tell when you’re bullshitting her. Just as you know when you’re not telling the truth. But sometimes, we need the horse to remind us that we’re not bein’ honest.” I wasn’t following, but I could imagine that right now being fed to the hyenas was the bottom of the scale in terms of punishments that Kennedy was thinking up for me. It seemed pretty bizarre to be trying to get a horse’s opinion on anything. But I had to keep an open mind. Perhaps I was missing something. “Each of you is going to come up here and take a hoof pick. Then I want you to share your story with us, tell us why you’re here. Then rest your hand on Lady’s leg like this.” He bent and wrapped his hand around the bottom of Lady’s leg. “And then gently you’re going to pull.” The horse lifted her leg as he spoke. “Then check her hoof for loose stones.” “Remember, a horse on three legs is a horse that’s vulnerable. Lady will only lift her leg if she trusts you. If she feels your truth and you share with her your vulnerability, she’ll do the same for you. There’s no bullshitting this little lady; you have to be honest. You hear me?” Okay, that seemed easy enough, though I wasn’t sure how it was going to help. I knew what my problem was—I was a loveaholic. Kennedy and Rose though . . . This might be good for them. And if they saw the benefit early on, that could only be a good thing. I’m sure the stuff that came after this would be things more useful to me. “Who’s first?” Robert asked. It wasn’t going to be me. I wanted to see how this worked. If I hadn’t been sitting down, I’d have fallen over when Kennedy raised her hand. I really hadn’t expected her to be first in line. “Best get this over with,” she muttered as she confidently strode over and took the pick from Robert’s hand. She

rested her palm on the horse’s back, and murmured a few private words with it before squaring her shoulders. “Lady, my name is Kennedy and I sleep with a lot of men. I like sex, but I don’t want anything else. I’m not interested in commitment at the moment because I think a man in my life will hold me back and make me compromise my future. I’m perfectly happy now, but at some point, when I have an incredible life and I’m President of the United States or whatever, I hope I find someone special to share it with.” Kennedy had always been unapologetic about her promiscuity, but I’d never heard an explanation before—just assumed that’s how she was built. She bent down and lifted the horse’s leg effortlessly before scraping the pick over her hoof. Lady seemed happy with Kennedy’s confession. Finished clearing the stones, Kennedy released Lady’s leg and stroked her back before coming to sit beside me. I caught Blake’s eye as I congratulated her. He looked away, tugging at his cap with his capable hands and kicking at the dirt. “You see that?” Robert asked. “Lady doesn’t judge, and we should take her lead. We’re not here to work out what’s wrong with everyone else. We’re here to look at ourselves and find out why we’re not happy. Good job, Kennedy.” Next up was one of the girls I didn’t know. She told Lady that men always lied and cheated on her, but the horse wasn’t having any of it. She sounded pretty convincing to me, but the horse didn’t agree. All four hooves stayed firmly on the ground. It was fascinating. There was a bit of a struggle as the girl frantically began to tug on Lady’s leg, and in the end Robert had to guide her back to her seat. I looked at Kennedy, puzzled. The girl’s explanation really had made sense, but did Lady think she was hiding something? Could this horse really tell? “Lady understands something that we all need to know,” Robert said as he rested his hand on the horse’s back. “The only person in your life you control is you.” He pointed at his own chest. “So the only person you can change is you. If you learn nothing else while you’re here, think on that some.” That was exactly my point to Kennedy when she criticized me for wearing flats when I was with Phil. That’s what he liked and I had the power to do that for him. But he still hadn’t wanted to marry me. I needed to know how I got to be the girl who walked down the aisle. Robert shook his finger at us. “Don’t expect others to change the way they treat you if you keep thinkin’ and actin’ the same. That Einstein guy was right when he said that doin’ the same thing over and over and expecting a different result was the definition of insanity. Ask yourself, what do you need to do differently?” Basically he was relaying what I’d said at the airport—I was going to ace this. It was for that very reason that we were here in Love Rehab. We were going to learn how to be different—better. Rose, the most honest person I’d ever met, was up next. She’d rock this as well. She fisted her hands as she approached Lady. She might be nervous, but Rose had more determination than people assumed. She wouldn’t let anything get in the way of what she wanted to do. She patted Lady’s coat. “My name is Rose. I seem to have fallen into a habit of sleeping with my boss. And my boss before that and the one before that. I’m about to start a new job and I really want to break the cycle.” Her voice cracked at the end of her sentence, and I wanted to pull her into a hug, make it better for her. She leaned forward and tried to bend the horse’s leg, but it didn’t move. She glanced up at Robert but he didn’t offer any help. What was happening? She’d spoken her truth—she was a bossaholic and she’d admitted it. She was being really honest; I was sure of it. What more did this horse want? Her shoulders slouched and she released the horse’s leg.

Shit. Robert stepped forward and took the pick from Rose. “Don’t worry, you just haven’t found your whole truth yet.” Whole truth? What did that mean? “You’re describing the symptoms and not the cause, and without understanding the root of the problem, we can’t know ourselves. You’ll get there.” Was it possible that the horse was really picking this stuff up? Rose stared at the ground. Excelling in things was what she did. SATs, ballet or work, she liked to do well and improve. I’d never known her not be good at everything she tried. Not being able to lift that horse’s leg would kill her. She came and sat next to me and I grabbed her hand and squeezed. “Remember, girls. Lady wants you to be completely honest with her.” Robert pointed at me. “You next.” My pulse quickened as I stood. I’d thought this was going to be a breeze, but the horse seemed more and more like she had some kind of magical power to see under our skin. But it wasn’t going to be a problem for me. I knew what my issue was. I just wished I didn’t have to lay myself bare, with my one-night stand watching. The whole point of casual sex was not being concerned about being judged by the person you were with. Still, standing up in front of him to confess how I was useless at love was the last thing I wanted to do. I may never see him again, but I didn’t want him to look back and think he’d been with a total loser. I’d had fun with him. I’d had incredible fun, and despite it being so fleeting, I’d prefer that he was left with good memories of last night. It was different with Kennedy, Rose and I. We had grown up together, before we understood the power of people’s judgement, before we’d learned to hold back or give the right impression. They were the only people who I was certain would love me no matter what. If I could make my confession in front of just them, it would be easier. No more one-night stands, I vowed. They never ended well. I grasped the smooth, wooden handle of the pick and made my way toward Lady Luck. She was a big animal, who seemed to grow with every step. I’d never been up close to a horse before, and my muscles tensed and my jaw tightened. I couldn’t predict how she would react to me. Would she bite or kick? Was that a thing—horses attacking people? The pressure of having Blake in front of me, the horse standing so near, and my friends looking over in anticipation pressed on my chest. I stood facing the horse, my back to everyone else. If Blake was horrified by whatever I said, it wouldn’t matter. I’d be back in Boston soon. I had nothing to fear from my friends; they loved me. Knew me inside and out. There was nothing I could say that was going to shock them. I took a deep breath and reached out my hand. Lady’s fur—was it fur? Or hair? I was procrastinating. Whatever it was, it prickled under my fingers, rougher than I expected. This was fine. I just needed to tell her what I’d been telling myself for ages. “Hey, Lady, my name is Mackenzie and I’m a loveaholic.” Avoiding Blake’s eyes, I glanced back at Rose and Kennedy. Rose smiled and Kennedy raised her eyebrows and nodded, urging me on. Wasn’t that enough of a confession? I loved falling in love. I turned back to Lady. Perhaps Blake wouldn’t hear if I had my back to him. I took a deep breath. “I’ve met my fair share of amazing men, and I don’t have a problem falling in love. It’s just that things start to go wrong—and eventually I get dumped. Sometimes I get dumped wearing a wedding dress, sometimes on my birthday and also, that time, just after sex.” My mouth was running away with me. I needed to stop talking. “Anyway, they fall out of love with me.” Phil had said he didn’t think he knew me well enough. Did that count as falling out of love? I didn’t want to mislead Lady. I wanted to be honest but I hated

bringing this stuff up. I just wanted to get to the next part. “I’ve never gotten to wear the white dress. I need to understand how I can do better, how to make them stay in love so I can walk down that aisle and get on with the rest of my life.” Yes, I think that covered it. I blinked and then reached down to pull up the horse’s hoof. It was glued to the ground. I released her, then smoothed my hand down and tried again. Nothing. What? I’d told her the complete truth. Why wasn’t she cooperating? Nothing. The horse stood as if made of marble. “I think she’s broken.” I laughed as I straightened, trying to make light of the horse’s reaction. I meant what I’d said. I’d told the truth, and in fact I’d confessed much more than anyone else. I really wanted this to work, and the horse still hadn’t raised her leg. Apparently Lady didn’t get it right all the time. “Nope,” Robert said as he took the pick from me, and I walked toward Rose and Kennedy, avoiding glancing over at Blake. “I think you know in your heart that you didn’t share your whole truth. You were just scratching the surface. Lady wants you to get down and dirty, roll your sleeves up and get real. But that’s what the next few days are for. To find your truth.” Rose tilted her head to one side and her mouth was downturned as if she was feeling sorry for me. It wasn’t me she needed to be sorry for. It was Robert—he was going to have to find himself another gig if his horse was malfunctioning. I’d told the truth. I knew what my problem was—hell I even knew what the solution was—I just needed to get the guy to stay in love. Apparently Robert’s mind-reading skills were working just fine as he interrupted my thoughts. “Lady Luck doesn’t get it wrong. You might not like it, but she’s calling you out and asking you to think about the difference between what’s in here”—he tapped his temple with his forefinger—“and what’s in here.” He pointed to his chest. He believed a horse over me. I scanned the faces of the other girls, who wore sympathetic looks. They all believed the horse over me. This was bullshit. I’d have to make them see. I was telling the truth. Lady had it wrong. I slumped back down onto the log. “Now, I’m starting to enjoy myself,” Kennedy said, patting my knee. “Hey.” Was she happy I’d failed the test? I hated the thought of everyone thinking I was a liar. It wasn’t who I was. I’d been as honest as possible and said far more than I’d wanted to in front of strangers. And the guy that’d seen me naked. Perhaps Love Rehab had been a mistake. I’d come here to find my future, not to be questioned and insulted. Why did I have to obsess about the detail of the problem when what I wanted was the cure? “I’m serious. Bringing all of this up is good for us. I’m not saying it to be mean. It makes me realize how crazy we are,” Kennedy said. It didn’t feel good. I wanted to go back to Jimmy’s, down some shots, dance to some Gaga and kiss a cowboy that hadn’t already seen me naked. We watched as the last girl, Natasha, confessed that she didn’t believe she deserved a decent man and lifted the horse’s leg as if it was marshmallow. Fuckadoodlecowboy. Brianna stepped forward as Robert thanked us for participating. “You’ll get to have another chance with Lady before you leave us. What you need to do before then is reflect on the real authentic you, your whole truth.” He looked at me as he spoke and I felt my cheeks heat. “Ask yourself what the root of the issue is, try to see patterns in your relationships that maybe you haven’t noticed before. You might be tempted to place all the blame on your partner, but that’s not going to help. Concentrate on your part. How did you react? What could you have done differently?” I glanced at Brianna and she

was nodding and my heart sank lower. Was the rest of the trip going to be like this? Frustrating and not relevant to me? “I want y’all to dig deep. And for the two who were successful, take some time to think about what you want your future to look like, and what you need to change to get there.” Apparently, Rose and I didn’t get to look toward a future, according to Robert, but that was exactly what I wanted to be concentrating on. What was the point in focusing on the past, on what hadn’t worked? Kennedy wasn’t the only one of us who had changed our mind about this trip. I’d been pinning all my hopes on this stay on the ranch. And now I was beginning to think that Love Rehab was just going to be five days of my life I’d never get back.

Blake “Come on, girls, work with me here. You can discover lots of things about yourself in the quiet. Give it a try.” Brianna led the group on a silent trek around the lake, giving them time to consider their session with Lady Luck. I was staying in the back, making sure no one got left behind. The sun, high in the sky, beat down on us and sweat collected at my brow, threatening to trickle down my face. Our route was flat along the dusty path around the lake, but it was the heat rather than the gradient that dictated our speed. It wasn’t the pace or the temperature that was the realchallenge. The girls were finding it more difficult to keep quiet than I’d have thought possible. I wasn’t sure why. I loved the peace that Christie brought, but apparently not everyone appreciated it. As I kept some distance between me and the girls ahead of me, my focus was drawn to Red. She’d gathered her dark red hair up into a ponytail, revealing the back of her long white neck that I knew tasted so good. Her ass had lost none of its appeal from the previous evening—round and firm. Her denim shorts were tight enough to have me wishing I could slide my hands under them and squeeze and stroke, and the sway of her hips almost begged me to grab them and pull her toward me. Fuck. The last thing I need is a hard-on. I should have put two and two together and realized she was going to be here today before I’d taken her to the lake last night. But she’d seemed too happy, too sexy to need a retreat to get over a bad boyfriend. Any guy in his right mind would kneel for that woman—I’d certainly been happy to last night. Perhaps I’d been hypnotized by the sway of her ass, but somehow I’d not connected the dots and unwittingly I’d created an awkward situation for both of us. Brianna would kill me if she knew I’d hooked up with one of the guests. But what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her—a theory tried and tested on my sister. And it wasn’t like it was going to disrupt anything. I’d expected to have to gag myself to stop my laughter from ruining Uncle Bob’s horse challenge, but instead I’d been more interested than I’d thought I would be. A confidence test more than anything else, it seemed to work and I could almost see the thoughts it generated in the girls who’d not managed to lift Lady’s leg. Maybe Brianna was on to something with these trips. They seemed popular and, more than that, from what my mom was saying, women really got something out of it. I was kinda fascinated to know what exactly. Men really weren’t so complicated. But girls remained a mystery to me. Watching these women confess their issues with the men in their lives felt like spying. When it was Mackenzie’s turn, I felt especially shitty, as if I were taking more from her than she’d wanted to give. I probably should have excused myself but I wanted to hear what she was going to say. It’s not often you get to understand the motivation of your one-night stand. Was she trying to cure herself last night with me by prioritizing sex over love? Lady hadn’t accepted her story. I couldn’t comment on whether or not Red was telling the truth, but there was an awkwardness about her as she spoke that jarred with my memory of the girl I’d spent last night with. What would I have said if Uncle Bob had asked me to do the same thing? Why had my previous relationships failed? Girlfriends told me I worked too much, which was true. Others had said they wanted a man who prioritized family. But being back here in Christie and not Massachusetts was

because I prioritized family—Harvard had shown me I was an Oklahoma guy at heart. So that really wasn’t the issue. I just didn’t want to start my own family right now. The timing wasn’t right. I had to get my career in order first. Women just weren’t where I put my focus. At the moment, relationships were about a regular physical relationship with the same woman. Picking up girls might not be that difficult, but I enjoyed sex more with someone I’d known longer than a couple of hours. Last night had been an exception. I wasn’t sure if it was the lake setting or Mackenzie’s body—maybe it was the way she’d screamed my name. If one-night stands were always like that, I doubt I’d ever have a relationship. If I’d been speaking to Lady, I guess I’d just tell her I wasn’t ready for anything serious right now. She would have lifted her leg for me. I’d prepared myself for seeing Mackenzie in the paddock this morning. I’d been cold, almost warning her not to acknowledge me, fearing Brianna’s wrath and not wanting to mislead her into thinking that I was interested in anything more with her. But I did want an opportunity to explain and to tell her that last night I didn’t know she would be here. Mackenzie stopped to tie her laces. This was my chance. I widened my stride and caught up with her. “Hey, Red.” She tugged at the laces and stood. “Hi.” She didn’t even glance at me, then ran off back to the others. Maybe she didn’t want to see me or maybe she was pissed that I’d not been friendlier earlier. I’d try and get a few minutes with her later to explain. I didn’t want to ruin her trip. I probably should confess to Brianna, excuse myself from the whole trip and head back to the ranch. The thing was, I really did want to talk to my sister. She’d always been my confidant, even when we were kids. My mother always called my two brothers, my sister and me Goldilocks and the three bears. She said that Bentley talked too much, Barrett just the right amount and me not enough. Bentley did everything at a hundred miles an hour, Barrett four miles an hour and I was a steady sixty. Bentley was the heartbreaker, Barrett the heartbroken and I’d probably broken as many hearts as I had put back together. We all had our strengths and weaknesses. I wasn’t great at talking, but the one person I could always be open with was Brianna. And she always had the best advice. I needed Brianna’s perspective on the decision I was in Christie to make—Oklahoma or Boston. She hadn’t bugged me about it. She knew better. Knew that the fresh air and space from my reality allowed things to settle in my head and have the important stuff rise to the surface. Then we’d talk. –––––––––– Heading from the wood pile back to the fire that burned in a large pit in the middle of the camp, I caught no sounds of wakefulness and no lights coming from the cabin. The only light came from my headlamp and the fire that would burn for some hours yet. We’d arrived at the site only shortly before dark, so the girls hadn’t had time to fully appreciate what a perfect setting we were in between the lake and the woods. The lake to one side of our camp had a small jetty that we used to fish from or jump off when we were kids. Trees—oaks and pines mainly—provided the backdrop to the other side of the camp between us and a small hill, which meant we were sheltered from the wind. I set the logs down, took off my gloves and held my palms up to the heat. It wasn’t cold out, but no matter what the weather, a fire was always a comfort and we needed it to boil water. I’d never seen the campsite before yesterday and I’d been impressed when I arrived. My brothers had built six wooden cabins set slightly back from a central social area, which consisted of a fire pit surrounded by log benches. Each cabin was big enough for four people and had basic amenities—two sets of bunkbeds and a bathroom. It was a lot less luxurious than these girls would be used to. I hadn’t

gotten the impression from Mackenzie’s designer jeans and fuck-me boots the previous evening that she was used to camping. But as Brianna had pointed out, change starts with a change. My sister might be younger than me, but I didn’t know anyone wiser. Wood creaked behind me followed by shuffling and the sound of footsteps. No doubt Brianna coming to bust my ass about something. I sighed. I wanted a few minutes to myself, to organize the thoughts in my head. “Shit,” someone hissed behind me. I turned to see Red heading back to the cabin. “Hey, Mackenzie,” I said, my voice a loud whisper. She froze on the spot and I stood up. “Come here.” She turned toward me but didn’t meet my eyes as she wandered closer to the fire. “I couldn’t sleep,” she mumbled. “Me neither. Let’s not sleep together.” I cringed as soon as the words were out of my mouth. It sounded like a come-on or a rejection or—fuck, I needed to cut my tongue out. I didn’t want her to think I wanted a repeat of last night, but I didn’t want her to think I was an asshole either. “I wanted to talk to you.” I patted the bench next to me, relieved when she took a seat. She raised her eyebrows. “Really? Didn’t seem like that to me.” She continued to stare into the fire. I held out one of the bottles of water I’d brought down from the ranch the previous day and she took it. “I’m sorry about that. When I first saw you, all I could think about was getting my balls handed to me by my sister if she found out about us. She’d kill me.” And I’d expected never to see her again. I was trying to figure out my life, not add a layer of complication to it. “You didn’t know I was staying here last night, did you?” she asked as she leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, staring into the fire. “No, I should have put two and two together.” She nodded. “Well rest assured, if I’d have known, I’d have never . . .” My gut clenched at her regret. I reached for her, but stopped myself from touching. I didn’t want her to say any more. Didn’t want to hear that she wished away last night. She was beautiful and sexy and for a couple of hours, she’d been mine, without complications or distractions—time-limited escape and release. “I’m not sure I’d have been able to resist you even if I had have known.” She laughed, sat back and glanced at me. The fire and the moonlight lit up her silhouette. And as much as I didn’t want to create expectations, didn’t want anything from her, I was drawn toward her— I wanted to be closer to her, to be holding her. I wasn’t ready to press stop on our time together, but I knew I should—for both of us. Neither of us were in the right place mentally or physically to extend a one-night stand to a two-night stand. But the pull toward her wasn’t lessening. “I mean it—you’re beautiful.” I placed my hand on her bare knee, no longer able to resist touching her. She slid her palm on top of mine and we interlinked our fingers. My pulse began to tap in my neck. This was not a good idea. “So you work here?” she asked. “I mean, this is your job? Surrounding yourself with unhappy women?” I chuckled. “No, this is my family’s place. I’m just visiting. I’m a biochemist. I told you.” I’m trying to figure out my life, just like you. She nodded and pointed at her head. “Whiskey brain.” “How come you can’t sleep? You dropped off easily last night.” She raised her eyebrows and laughed as she looked away. “Maybe it was the way you turned my

body to jelly.” My cock stirred at the memory of her soft warmth under me last night. “So I was like Xanax for you?” I shifted closer so our thighs were touching. “Apparently.” She looked back at the fire. “And you kept your promise. It was a hot hookup.” Muttering almost to herself as she stared at the ground, she added, “And no love involved.” I chuckled. “Women don’t normally complain about men falling in love with them.” She smiled and shook her head. “That makes me sound horrible. It’s not what I mean. It’s the other way around.” I wanted her to elaborate. From the little I knew of her, I could imagine she would be easy to fall in love with, but she’d told Lady that guys dumped her. I wanted to know more. Most of the time last night she’d seemed so carefree, but since I saw her with Lady, I realized that at other times she’d been almost anxious. I couldn’t figure her out. “I don’t think I should have come here. This isn’t what I thought it would be.” “What did you think it was going to be?” She paused and drew her eyebrows together in a half frown. “I didn’t think too much about what it would involve. I was just focused on the outcome—the happily ever after. My fiancé dumped me and I ended up here.” It was as if she’d forgotten we were strangers and was telling me the most intimate things about herself—a sharp contrast to her confidence last night. “I’m just about to hit thirty. I want to know why I haven’t found my guy.” “So maybe this trip will help you work it out?” She tried to move her hand from mine, but instead I took the opportunity to place my palm against hers and hold her hand properly. She didn’t resist. “I don’t see what no cell phones, silent trekking and camping among all these creepy crawlies has to do with me finding the right guy.” A beat of silence passed between us. I couldn’t tell her that it would work or what my sister ’s plans were—I had no idea on either score—but I wanted to make her feel better. “I should have just gone for a run and downed a bottle of wine.” She was trying to make a joke but it wasn’t funny. She was unhappy and she’d taken action. That was a good thing. She was wanting to change her life and she’d asked for help. I couldn’t laugh. It wasn’t funny. It was brave. “If nothing else, you can enjoy a break, the Oklahoma air, being outdoors,” I said. “I don’t know.” She sighed. “I might talk to the girls tomorrow and see if they want to leave. I shouldn’t have booked us in here without understanding a bit more about it. It’s not like me. I’m normally much more considered.” Should I be trying to convince her to stay? “So maybe different is good. You heard what Robert said about the definition of insanity.” She shrugged. I didn’t like the fact that she thought coming to Christie was a mistake. “All I know is that this is an excellent place, particularly when you’re at a crossroads in your life.” Her eyes widened, almost urging me on. I was probably biased but Christie was a sanctuary for me. “It’s good to get away from real life for a little while, helps you gain perspective. Remember what’s important. It’s why I’m here.” “You’re at a crossroads?” she asked, looking at me from under her lashes. The flames from the fire pit lit up her face as if her warmth from the inside was showing on the outside. I nodded and she looked at me as if I was going to be able to fix whatever had brought her here. The unguarded way she looked at me made me want to try. “I’ll tell you something about Brianna— and don’t ever tell her I said this because I will deny it until the day I die—but she’s good at

relationship advice. Well, any kind of advice.” It wasn’t the psychology degree she had that made her qualified to run this retreat. It was the way she could always see the lesson in everything. Nothing in life was bleak for Brianna because she learned as she went along, both from her mistakes and from those around her and always believed her future would be better than her past. “Some guy still cheated on her though.” “Yeah, but people are going to be assholes. You’re never going to change that. What I love about my sister is that she didn’t let it define her. She didn’t become bitter, and most of all, she didn’t tolerate his behavior or repeat the mistake.” I wasn’t surprised Brianna had told Mackenzie her own story—she loved to share the lessons she learned and she understood that her being cheated on once was no reflection on her. “Her current boyfriend treats her well. She’s moved past it.” Mackenzie stared into the fire as it crackled and spat as if it wanted to join in the conversation. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “It feels so . . . uncomfortable.” The way she lingered before she chose her words indicated she wasn’t talking about the camping. The Red from Jimmy’s was glossy and glamorous and I imagine that’s how she liked it—everything beautiful on the surface. I trailed my gaze over the soft red curls escaping down her back. “Uncomfortable can be good.” Could it? I didn’t know if I was talking to her or me. My life in Oklahoma City was comfortable. College in Boston had been anything but. I’d always thought that when I got to college I’d finally belong—among the brainiacs and the science. Actually being there had been a wakeup call. More of me had belonged to Oklahoma than I had ever realized. I’d spent a year miserable before transferring to Texas. Uncomfortable hadn’t been good for me so far. She ran her thumb along a split in the wooden bench, concentrating as if she were making a cut. “Why on earth would uncomfortable be good? I never understand people who say stuff like that. Aren’t we meant to be happy?” “Sometimes life is sweeter because of the struggle.” I believed what I was saying so far as it applied to her. She was stuck in a cycle that made her unhappy, so it made sense to try to shift things. Was it the same for me? I wasn’t unhappy in Oklahoma City. I didn’t need sweeter. She snapped her head around to meet my gaze. “So we can’t be happy unless we’ve been miserable?” I wasn’t sure if I’d ever had a conversation like this outside my family. With friends we talked about sports and science and occasionally relationships, but not like this. We didn’t talk about unhappiness and life and not knowing how to make life better. I wanted her to stay and find a solution for her future. “More that there are lessons to be learned in why we were miserable—what led us to that place.” I’d learned my lesson about Harvard. Not wanting to go back to Boston felt like the right choice. I was learning from my mistakes, right? Then why hadn’t I turned down the job already? “And you think, being here, I’ll learn whatever Brianna’s here to teach?” She sounded a little impatient, a little incredulous. And I liked it—I liked the drive to be better, to want more. “I think these Oklahoma skies have a lot to teach.” I wasn’t making any promises, but that I knew for sure. She rubbed the pad of her thumb along the side of my hand, setting off sparks of heat throughout my body. The makeup and hair from the previous evening had disappeared, leaving behind who she really was. She looked at home here, staring into the fire, the flickering flames lighting her face, accentuating her delicate features and the smattering of freckles across her nose. Peeling back her shiny, glamorous outside felt good. And talking to her, surprisingly, I liked her. Were there more layers that I’d discover if she stayed? Had I convinced her to stay?

I bent my head slightly so my forehead rested on hers. “You look good in the wild,” I whispered. I should be able to draw a line under last night, allow her to learn what she needed to from this trip, keep my head clear—focus. But I wanted more. She leaned into me and I pulled her onto my lap. She moved across my thighs, the press of her weight making me want to skip this part and get to the naked bit. Her cheek grazed mine and our lips crashed together, desperate and hungry. I plunged my tongue into her mouth, wanting to know if she tasted as sweet as I remembered. I hadn’t kissed her before she left—a regret that had hung over me all day. Having her near me, I wanted to talk to her. When I was talking to her, I wanted her closer. When I was closer, I wanted to kiss her, and now kissing her I wanted more. I wanted her to stay with me for tonight at least. “Want me to help you get to sleep?” “Blake, we shouldn’t.” She was right. She’d just broken up with someone and her head was everywhere. Part of me would be using her as a way of emptying my mind of everything but that moment, an excuse not to focus on what I came here for. And Brianna would kill me. There were plenty of good reasons not to do this. But then there was her. “Maybe,” I said, my cock calling me a traitor. I dropped a small kiss on her collarbone and she sighed. “Just as a distraction? Just tonight?” she asked, kissing across my jaw. She was trying to give herself an excuse, permission, boundaries. I smoothed my hands across her back. “Just a distraction. No falling in love.” She grabbed at my shirt, pulling it over my head. “Where? Here?” I hadn’t thought about logistics. I had a cabin to myself, but it was right next to Brianna’s. The two cabins farthest from camp weren’t being used. There wouldn’t be much privacy, but better than here by the fire. “Can you be quiet?” My stomach flipped as I remembered her screaming my name. “I don’t know,” she said seriously. “I can try.” I dropped a small kiss on her mouth and stood, lifting her into my arms. “Try hard.” I set Mackenzie to the ground at the entrance to my cabin, placed my fingers over her lips and mouthed, Stay here. I went inside and grabbed my sleeping bag and my wallet then pulled Mackenzie by the hand and headed toward the two empty cabins. I opened the door to the one farthest from all the others. Hopefully no one would be able to hear us as long as we were quiet. My erection strained against my zipper. I wanted to slip inside her and feel her tight, wet muscles surrounding me. We stepped over the threshold and I closed the door, trying to make as little noise as possible. As the room went dark, something shifted between us, the air intensifying as if we knew that the next touch would ask a question or provide an answer that could change things, make this more than just fucking. The atmosphere between us turned heavy in the most seductive way. I couldn’t hear anything but our breath, couldn’t see anything but her silhouette. Her palm flattened on my chest and she came into focus, my mind going fuzzy. I needed to touch her. I grabbed her ass, pushing my erection against her stomach, and dipped my head to her neck. I breathed her in, wanting the smell of lilac to stay with me long after she left. She unbuttoned my jeans, and I tensed at the thought of her fingers against my flesh. I’d been worried about her being quiet. I should have been more concerned about me. I ground my teeth together as her hand slid under my boxers and down my shaft. She let go and I watched as she pushed

my pants to the floor and knelt. Though there was nothing on this earth I wanted right at that moment other than a blowjob from the beautiful, sexy woman in front of me, there was no way I wanted her on her knees in this place. “No,” I hissed. “Not here.” I grabbed the top of her arm and lifted her. “You don’t like it?” She looked away as she asked as if she was embarrassed, or ashamed that she hadn’t pleased me. I’d known the girl just over a day, but I was pretty sure there wasn’t much she could do that wouldn’t please me. “Believe me, there’s nothing I want more than that dirty mouth wrapped around my cock, but not here.” My hand slid to her cotton-covered pussy and she moved her hips away. I grabbed her ass and pulled her toward me. “I’ve been tortured all day by not being able to touch you. Don’t make it worse.” She took off her shirt, revealing her perfect, round breasts. I needed more. I slipped my fingers into the waistband of her underwear and pulled them down and off. “That’s better.” Even though it was dark, just the thought of her naked was enough to have my cock pulsing. “When you’re with me like this, I want you to tell me what you like. I need you to tell me—I want to make you come.” She’d seemed so shocked by what her body did last night that I wanted to prove it wasn’t a fluke. Her expectations were too low—I would show her again tonight. She looked up at me, her eyes wide as she worried the edge of her lip with her teeth. With a small nod she said, “Okay.” I almost didn’t hear her. She reached for my T-shirt but I got to it first, stripping it off and stepping out of my jeans. I clenched my jaw to stop myself from groaning as she stroked the flat of her palm up my cock. Her hand was a promise of more to come. “Do you have condoms?” I grabbed my wallet from my pants, relieved when my fingers found the familiar foil. After tearing open the packet, I rolled on the condom as quickly as I could as my impatience grew and my fingers shook. I lifted her up and pushed her against the door to the cabin, her soft skin pressing against mine. My cock pressed against her sex. “This is fast; are you ready?” I didn’t want to hurt her. She pulled back to look at me, leaving her arms around my neck. “You have no idea what just one touch from you does to me. I’m more than ready. I need you to fuck me.” And there confident Red was, just when I thought she’d left the building. Even in the dark, the room spun as her words mixed with anticipation. Our eyes locked as I plunged into her. Her breaths turned short and sharp as she adjusted to me before I started to move. The effort it took to make each movement as small as possible, to keep us quiet, intensified every molecule in my body. “That’s it,” she whispered. “Oh God. I thought it was . . .” I kissed her, swallowing her sounds. We needed to be quiet but I wanted to howl at the moon, she felt so good. The fact that she was obviously finding it difficult to keep quiet made it better. I felt power over her body and I wanted to enjoy it. I lifted her thighs, pushing closer, deeper. She broke our kiss. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t . . .” Her voice turned from a whisper, growing louder and louder. I should stop, let her calm down, but I wanted to make her come and needed my own release. I clamped my hand over her mouth and sped up my rhythm. Her hands braced against my shoulders and her nails dug deeper with every thrust.

She tightened against my cock—she wouldn’t last long. I could come right that second, but at the same time I felt like I could fuck her for days. I didn’t want it to ever be over. She screamed against my hand, her body convulsing as she went limp. I couldn’t stop, didn’t want to. I kept pounding deeper and deeper, needing more. I lifted her again and my fingers found the slickness seeping out from between her thighs. I grunted in appreciation. I couldn’t hold back the sound myself despite the threat of being overheard. “Red, can you stand if I support you?” I wanted a view of her tight ass. She didn’t answer, but I slowly put her on her feet, then turned her around and placed her hands out in front of her against the door. I moved her hips and plunged in again. I almost came at the change in angle and had to stop and collect myself. Leaning forward, I kissed her shoulder blade. She shivered as I pulled out and rammed in up to the hilt. Her groan could have been heard two states away. “Fuck,” I said as I covered her mouth. “Be quiet.” Hopefully people were deep sleepers, or would think the noise was an animal. What we were doing certainly felt primal. That she couldn’t stop herself from crying out, that she let me in physically and emotionally in a way I bet she didn’t most men, opened a door within me and my orgasm began to unfurl and grow larger and larger. Her fingers curled against the wood and her muffled cries grew more urgent when she spasmed. My climax crashed over me, and I pushed deeper, one last time, pulling her back toward me and against my chest. Our bodies pulsed together as we pulled as much air into our lungs as we could with each breath. I slipped my hands around her waist and buried my head in her neck. I wanted to taste her sweat, her sweet, sweet skin. Reluctantly I withdrew, discarded the condom and guided her over to the bed and onto the sleeping bag I’d brought. I pulled her back toward me, against my chest, and threw my leg over her. “That’s not how it’s meant to be,” she said as she exhaled. “What?” Did she mean the sex? I was pretty sure she wasn’t disappointed. “It just feels so good. The best. I hardly know you. We aren’t in love. It’s just . . .” She sighed. I grinned, although she couldn’t see and kissed the top of her head. I slid my hand over her stomach and down, cupping her mound. She felt so good—soft and pliable. Last night had been great but tonight, without the alcohol, every touch had been concentrated. “And you hold me like you want me.” Her confidence seemed to ebb away as quickly as it arrived. “Of course I want you.” A man would have to be a fool not to. She started to protest. “Shhh.” I circled her clit with my thumb, wanting to get her out of her head. She ground her hips back, bringing my cock to life. “What’s the matter with me?” Whatever it was, I wasn’t about to complain. “I love this sweet, wet pussy,” I whispered. “It’s so perfect.” I dragged my fingers lower and she shuddered as I slid two inside. My hand was coated in her, and I couldn’t help feeling like it was the best gift she could give me. My cock inched up her back and I rocked against her, savoring her at every touch point between our bodies. She twisted until she faced me, then reached between us and took my dick in both hands. My jaw clenched. Our arms tangled as my fingers once again found her pussy. “You can’t make me come again. Let me,” she whispered as she tried to bat my hands away— always trying to please me at the expense of herself.

“Your body’s telling me it wants to come again,” I said, straining as I thrust into her tight fist. “And I know what’s good for you.” “It’s a biological impossibility,” she said, and I couldn’t help but think she’d just issued a challenge—and I wasn’t one to back away from a challenge. I wanted to show her what was possible. I increased the pressure of my fingers. Why did she think she wasn’t going to climax again? Three orgasms felt like we might be just off the starting blocks. I’d have her coming all night if it were up to me. We rocked back and forth, stealing kisses between stuttered breaths. Our pleasure synchronized and every increase in her heart rate brought mine along. Every wave of ecstasy crashed over me at the same time. It was like together we were a coil that was twisting tighter and tighter, pulling us closer and closer. Our movements got faster and I wanted to scream out loud at the perfection of her face and her body, the glorious feel of her fingers wrapped around my cock. The coil snapped—I saw it in her eyes at the same time as I felt it in my body—we both came gripping each other, kissing each other, clinging to each other. It was honest and raw and fucking beautiful.

Mackenzie “I dreamed about dick. Is that normal?” Kennedy asked as we sat on the edge of our beds, trying to adjust to being awake so early. Brianna was banging together what sounded like cymbals, but I was pretty sure they weren’t unless music therapy was on the menu today. I hadn’t needed to dream about dick. I’d spent another night with Blake. “You have to be a little more specific before I can certify a dream as normal,” Rose responded. I grinned as I stretched my neck from side to side. Every part of me hurt. My back was grazed from being pounded against the cabin door, my legs ached as if they’d been pulled from one end of the state to the other. My boobs still bore the shadows of Blake’s greedy fingers and my skin tingled with the drag of his body. “What are you smiling about? The thought of a cold shower or another silent hike?” Kennedy stood facing me, her hands on her hips. Maybe she hadn’t changed her mind about being in Oklahoma after all. Her tone suggested I was hyena chum in waiting. I shrugged. “I think I like the wild.” Last night I’d been ready to run back to Boston. To give Love Rehab up as a massive mistake. But being with Blake had made me see things differently. I’d never experienced anything like what I’d had with him. It was physical, but seemed so intimate. I’d never realized it was possible to separate sex and emotion. And to actually climax with a man I didn’t know? Well that was new, too. And it wasn’t like it was a one-off. It had happened two nights in a row. It wasn’t just the sex with Blake that made me want to stay in Christie, though that might have been enough. I liked being with him. By the fire he’d talked about learning lessons from our mistakes. Things had gone wrong in my life, off plan, but I’d never seen them as inevitable experiences I should just learn from. I’d seen things that went wrong as deviations from my route, then sought to put myself back on track. Blake also suggested I should enjoy the journey, which I understood in the abstract but I wasn’t sure I bought entirely. No one books a vacation to Greece for the flight. But I guess, if the plane diverts to Munich, that could be an interesting place to visit. I’d always rolled my eyes when people talked about living in the moment. If everyone did that, no one would pass an exam, no one would save for their retirement—we’d end up a planet full of selfish junkies. But speaking to Blake last night made me think that maybe there was a balance. And perhaps I was here to learn what that balance was. Love Rehab might not have provided any answers so far, but it hinted that Christie was the place to find them. Normally I would have told Rose and Kennedy about Blake by now, but last night they’d still been asleep when I returned to our cabin. We always gave each other detailed rundowns in the early stages of dating someone new. Getting ready for our day was a perfect opportunity to confess, but Blake and I weren’t dating. I wasn’t sure what we were doing. Last night things had shifted from a simple onenight stand, but not so much that I could label it in any other way—it was casual with a guarantee of no future. Maybe Blake was my Munich—the journey to enjoy before my destination? “Given the look on her face, I think Mackenzie dreamed about cock, too,” Kennedy said. I scrubbed my hands over my face, avoiding the question. At least I wouldn’t have to lie about how

good the sex was if I told them about Blake. That would be a first. But I wasn’t going to say anything. I didn’t want to share him, risk diluting how Blake made me feel by bringing it out in the open, giving it oxygen—have other people’s opinions and judgements alter my experience. I wanted him to myself. In my relationships, I took pleasure from making someone else feel good, but in the few hours I was with Blake, I’d been happy not because of the way I made him feel but the way he made me feel. It was new. I liked the difference. And not saying anything to Rose and Kennedy—that was different too. I was breaking the pattern of my previous relationships with men somehow—by doing everything differently even if it were for a few days while we were here in Christie. Sitting next to Blake by the fire last night, I’d not been careful in what I’d said to him. I’d been unfiltered in my questions, and he’d still wanted me, physically at least. I felt as if I was dipping my toe into fresh waters and at the moment the temperature was perfect. I didn’t want to give it up. I wanted to sink in deeper, right up to my neck. “I call first bathroom visit.” I headed to the other room in the cabin, which could only loosely be described as a bathroom—it had water and that’s as far as it went. I wanted to get ready for the day, see Blake, make sure his face hadn’t changed in the few hours since I’d last seen him. I got showered and changed quickly and urged the girls to do the same. Rose sat on the edge of the bed, waving a contraband hand mirror and mascara wand around. “Do you want some?” she asked as she snapped the mirror shut. You look good in the wild. “No, I’m good.” Kennedy raised her eyebrows at me as she came out of the bathroom. “You’re turning down makeup?” I was always the first to try out a new skin product or have the latest mascara that promised longer, fuller, younger lashes (now even lashes had to be younger). I used to set my alarm forty minutes before my boyfriend’s just so I could shower and apply my makeup before he woke. Jesus. It sounded ridiculous when I thought about it. I shrugged. “I’m not trying to impress anyone.” Blake liked me in the wild. –––––––––– Natasha and Ann, the other two girls on our trip, were already gathered by the fire as we stepped out of our cabin, ready for the day. The sun wasn’t fully risen and the landscape was coated in a soft yellow light. My eyes swept over the social area but I didn’t find Blake. Trying to be subtle, I glanced over at his cabin. There was no sign of him. “We have oatmeal for breakfast,” Brianna said, stirring a pot over the fire. I took a seat beside Rose and thanked Brianna as she passed me a rectangular tin and a spoon. Kennedy coughed. “Jesus H. Christ. What the hell?” Rose patted her on the back and we followed her line of vision toward the lake. It was a sight that would make a blind woman choke. Blake. Wet Blake. Wet and bare-chested Blake. Droplets of water were scattered over his torso, reflecting the light and making the bronzed skin of his chest glow. I couldn’t tear my eyes away as he walked closer, dragging his hand through his wet hair, his muscles rippling at the movement. It was like a scene from a movie. A movie I’d like to

watch privately with only my vibrator for company. “Jesus, was he this hot yesterday?” Kennedy asked. The girls next to us tittered. Yes, I almost said. And the day before that. I glanced at Brianna and caught her rolling her eyes at us. Normal behavior resumed and spoons scraped against tins, but I couldn’t tear my gaze away from him. As he got closer, our eyes locked. He didn’t smile or nod, just stared at me like he saw into my soul. A shiver passed through my entire body. Reluctantly I turned back to face the fire as Brianna started talking. “This morning we’re staying in camp. We’re going to think about what we bring to a relationship and what we want our future partners to bring to a relationship. I want you to think about what we give and what we get.” Kennedy groaned, but I knew her well enough to know it was halfhearted, almost as if she felt she had to complain. “Okay, so when you’re ready, follow me over to the edge of the trees.” Brianna pointed behind our cabins and we all stood and wandered behind her, me at the back of the group. Blake emerged from his cabin and as I passed him, he smiled and grabbed my hand, entwining our fingers for a second before we separated. Heat spread through my body from where he’d touched me. I’d never had such a physical reaction to a man. I wanted to turn and run to him, push my hands through his hair, feel his lips on mine, his fingers pressing into my skin. But I didn’t. Diligently, I followed the group. I glanced over my shoulder and caught him watching me. I grinned and headed forward toward the trees. Just past the tree line there was a small clearing and Brianna stood in front of us. This part of Christie was beautiful, lush and green and such a contrast to the arid, lunar landscape we’d experienced when we’d landed. The light streamed through the woods, which provided great shade from what was bound to be another hot day. Brianna smiled, ensuring she looked at each one of us. “This morning we’re rock collecting.” Rose scrunched her face as if she’d just been told she had to gut a camel. “I want you to create an area for yourself. Mark it with a stick, then collect a stone or a rock from the forest floor for each quality you look for in a man, and one for each attribute you contribute to a relationship. Try not to focus just on the physical.” She placed a tin of chalk on the ground. “Write each attribute on the stone. By the end of this session, you should have two distinct piles. There’s no limit on how many stones you have, and this isn’t a race. We have plenty of time before lunch.” This was the journey, right? I still wasn’t convinced. “We’re collecting rocks,” Kennedy said pointedly. “Just go with it.” I grabbed a stick and pushed it into the moss-covered ground. Ann stepped toward us and said, “Seriously, it sounds a bit kooky, but it will be worth it. We had two friends who came here six months ago. One’s married and the other one is engaged. They’re both so happy it makes me want to vomit.” “So you think it worked for them?” I asked. “It totally worked. Apparently, tonight is the shaman.” Her eyes grew larger as she passed a stone from one hand to the other. “The what man?” Kennedy asked. “The shaman,” she whispered.

“Are you talking about tonight?” Natasha asked, joining our conversation. Ann nodded. “I can’t wait. Our friend swears that the shaman is the reason she found her husband. That, and her dead aunt. It’s going to be ah-ma-zing.” I couldn’t follow what she was saying. I wasn’t even quite sure what a shaman was. Brianna reappeared and, like children caught talking when we shouldn’t be, we disbersed and went back to our rock-collecting task. I spotted a smooth pebble behind a tree stump that would be easy to write on and went to collect it. I picked up some chalk out of the can and wrote Kitchen, then placed it to the right of my stick. I enjoyed cooking and men were into women like that, right? Phil had always appreciated it when I made him dinner, I think. He wasn’t very domestic, but I hadn’t expected him to be. Most men weren’t. He’d be at work now, no doubt a hundred girls fawning after him. He was handsome and ambitious— great marriage material. I added two more stones to my pile. Thoughtful—I always tried to remember things that were important to Phil, like making sure I had his favorite beer in the fridge, or picking up his dry cleaning for him. Family oriented—I wanted children but I also made sure that I gave Phil’s family attention. I had his parents over to my place for dinner regularly and I’d babysat a couple of times for his sister. My confidence lifted as I remembered the things I did for Phil. I was a catch. There were plenty of women out there who wouldn’t do half the things I did for him. We looked like over-sized ants scurrying around, finding our stones and bringing them back to our marked spot. I scanned other people’s piles, wondering what we were supposed to be uncovering about ourselves or our past mistakes. Kennedy wouldn’t be able to put anything down about cooking. She was less domestic than Phil and she wasn’t family oriented at all, but she was really funny and hot as sin. Rose was clever and family oriented. We all had a lot to offer. As I stood staring at my three rocks, Blake arrived carrying a stack of water bottles. What would he make of my stones? Did I care what he thought? I did, but not in a way that I normally would. I was ordinarily eager to make sure the men in my life were cared for, looked after, loved. There was nothing wrong with that, was there? But with Blake, we weren’t on our way to something, we weren’t at the start of a relationship, so I’d been forced to approach it differently. I had no particular desire to prove I was right for him. We’d talked but I’d not been careful in what I said—I just said what was in my head, in my heart. It didn’t matter to me what he did, what his future looked like, whether or not I thought he’d be a good father. I just knew that he made my body react in a way I didn’t realize it could. He made me feel good, safe and sexy. If I looked at my stones, then I should be married by now. My pile of rocks told me I had a lot to offer. So what was missing? My heart sank a little. I’d always imagined I’d marry early, but maybe that wasn’t my path in life. Maybe I should stop searching, just give up. I glanced up and saw Blake looking at me, his brow furrowed. I gave him a small smile but he looked worried. “Shall we take a break?” Brianna asked smiling. “Have some water and feel free to look at each other ’s stones. How are they different from yours? How are they similar? Does seeing them tell you anything?” Kennedy bent over my area and read through my stones. No doubt she was looking for ammunition to tease me with later. I wandered over to Rose’s pile. I was struck at how few stones there were in her pile about the things she brought to a relationship. I picked up one—clever—but underneath she’d scrawled, bad thing. My heart ached a little at the thought that she saw her brilliant brain as a disability. It was never something I’d heard her say. Hopefully she’d look at my stones and

realize she needed to cut herself some slack. In her other collection of stones, the ones that represented the things a man could bring to a relationship, the words love, fidelity, acceptance and kindness were all collected together. She didn’t realize she had to offer everything she wanted in someone else. Would she see the difference when she looked at my pile of stones or would she see something I didn’t? The reason I was off plan? “I’m glad we came,” Kennedy whispered, pulling me into a hug. “You’re spared the hyenas, for tonight anyway.” Before I could ask her why, Brianna interrupted us. “We have lunch ready, if you want to join us.” Brianna and Blake sat on a blanket that looked remarkably similar to the one I’d slept on the night before last. Jesus, I hoped it wasn’t the same one. We all sat down in a semicircle opposite Blake and Brianna on the edges of the blanket where lunch had been arranged. Blake opened plastic containers of food while Brianna set out plates. It looked good and my stomach growled as if it had just been prodded awake. If it was a choice between getting naked with Blake and lunch, I’d still have chosen Blake, but given that didn’t feel like it was an option just now, food was a good second place. “Would you like some chicken?” Blake asked, interrupting my thoughts. He’d clearly caught me staring at his crotch. I glanced around to see if anyone else had, too, but they seemed focused on their plates. My cheeks burned, but when I turned back to Blake, he just raised his eyebrows and grinned. “Thanks.” I reached for the container of chicken he offered and our fingers brushed as he passed it to me. Goosebumps instantly blanketed my body. “Anytime.” He cocked his head and held my gaze. I tried to suppress a smile and glanced away, convinced we looked like we were about to start dryhumping any second. “This is good. Thanks, Brianna,” I said. I’d enjoyed this morning and felt pretty good about my stones and what I’d written on them. I had a lot to offer a man and I wasn’t afraid to say it. But a far-off rumble of three broken engagements warned me that it wasn’t enough. “Did anyone learn anything about their approach to relationships from the stones?” Brianna asked. To my utter disbelief, Kennedy was the first to speak. “I did.” Brianna smiled, urging her to go on. “I think I’ve made assumptions about men and how they impact my life. I’ve always been worried about ending up with an unfulfilling future because I wanted to keep the guy I was with.” Kennedy scrubbed her face with her hands, almost as if she were trying to erase an old way of thinking. “I’ve been so concerned that I’d let someone mold me into a woman I didn’t want to be.” She paused and I could almost see a million thoughts clatter through her head. “Now I realize that maybe, just maybe, instead of using men for sex, there might be a man out there who wants to be my champion, who wants me just to be me. I’d never let myself think that was a possibility before now. Maybe that sounds weird—” “It doesn’t sound weird,” Brianna said. “It sounds like you’ve looked at your expectations and seen they can change. That you can be open to something different.” “Maybe,” Kennedy replied. I patted Kennedy’s shoulder. “You’re awesome.”

“Anyone else want to share?” Brianna asked. “I will.” I wanted the group to tell me I’d done everything I could. That Phil breaking things off wasn’t because I wasn’t marriage material. “I learned I have a lot to offer in a relationship. I’ve always worked hard to be someone that someone would want, but seeing the stones in the pile, I thought a guy would be lucky to have me.” I smiled, pleased that I’d been able to say something so positive. Kennedy snorted. At me? “Kennedy?” Brianna said. “Do you have something to say?” Kennedy stayed silent and I stared at her, hoping to pull the words from her with my thoughts. “You seem to have an opinion,” Brianna continued. “I’ve found it can be as revealing to hear what observations others in the group have about your stones. Sometimes they can point out things you’ve missed.” Kennedy shrugged and her reticence was irritating. She didn’t usually hold back. “Come on, Kennedy, if you’ve got something to say, say it,” I said. I was pretty sure if she wanted to comment on my approach to relationships, she would have done it by now. She didn’t need encouragement from Brianna. “Okay, I will.” Kennedy took a deep breath. “I find it interesting that you focus on the big pile of stones representing all the things you bring to a relationship, but don’t notice how few stones were in the other pile.” What did that mean? “You’re so focused on making men like you, that you never stop to think about whether you like them, or if they’re right for you.” My eyes fell to my lap as I tried to process what she was saying. Was that true? “You spend so much time and effort creating a girl who’s impossible not to fall in love with, and then you mistake them falling in love with you with you falling in love with each other.” That wasn’t right. I’d been in love with Phil. “What I see in that pile of stones is a woman who’s never asked herself what she wants in a man. I see a woman who only thinks who she wants to be for a man.” Was she serious? I fisted my hands, trying to squeeze out my frustration. I knew what I wanted in a man. I wanted someone who was loyal and dependable and I’d said that on my stones. I’d just proven I wasn’t afraid of showing how I had value in a relationship by having more rocks in the other pile. That was positive. I was aware of my worth. How could she turn that into a negative thing? I didn’t want to react, create an argument with Kennedy and cause a scene, but I wanted her to realize she was wrong so I just stared at the ground, not responding. I glanced at Blake. After my encounter with Lady, I could have done with a pass on this activity. I wanted him to know I wasn’t a total basket case. Maybe he would think Kennedy was wrong too. But he seemed to be oblivious to the whole discussion as he packed up our lunch. I swallowed down my anger and took a deep breath. “And as for you”—Kennedy turned to Rose—“you know what would be good to have in a relationship, but you don’t think you deserve it.” My focus drifted to Rose, half grateful that the group’s attention had been refocused on someone else, half wanting to go back to me and convince Kennedy she’d been wrong in her analysis of my stones. I looked over at Rose and my heart squeezed. Her eyes were glassy and her shoulders hunched. “You’re a beautiful, clever, funny woman,” Kennedy said. “But you pick these guys you are never going to end up with. The boss never ends up with the assistant. And I think deep down inside you know that but you don’t think you deserve anything else.” Rose pulled her knees into her chest and

tears began to fall. “That pile of stones with all the great things you bring to a relationship should be as tall as the trees but there’re only four rocks in there.” Kennedy wrapped her arms around Rose. “You are so much more.” I hated, hated, hated to see people cry. If everyone concentrated on keeping the people around them happy, the world would be a better place—that’s what my mom always said. Seeing Rose in pain was horrible and somehow I felt guilty about it. I’d brought us here, after all. Or if I’d put a few more stones in the other pile, perhaps Kennedy wouldn’t have been set off. It wasn’t Rose’s fault that she didn’t realize how great she was and surely picking on her would just make her feel worse. Kennedy’s description of me had upset me, not made me feel better. And now Rose was crying. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just look at the upside in the piles of stones. Why did we have to focus on the negative? Still avoiding eye contact with Kennedy, I traced squares with my finger on the blanket, following the plaid pattern. I’d never thought about Rose’s boss obsession being about aiming for the unobtainable, or about Rose not feeling like she deserved the right guy but it made sense. And so did Kennedy’s analysis about herself. She just didn’t understand my issue. Everyone seemed to be learning stuff about themselves apart from me. I was the only one of the three of us that’d had a serious relationship. The only one who’d been engaged. I had to be doing something right. Later I’d have to pull Kennedy to one side and ask her to stop giving me such a hard time just because I’d booked us on this trip. It wasn’t fair. –––––––––– When we’d finished clearing away lunch we gathered back around the fire at camp. My mind kept wandering to Phil and whether or not he’d emailed me or tried to get in contact. Could I have done better as a fiancée? Would I do things differently if he gave me a second chance? Life would be so much easier that way and I could get back on track with my plan. I was dreading what Brianna had us doing next. I really didn’t want to do any more sharing or reflection. For just a few moments I didn’t want to think. What I wanted was a shot of tequila, a jukebox, to feel Blake’s teeth on my breasts. I wanted to be anywhere but right here. “So, this afternoon I want us to have fun.” Inwardly I groaned. Fun in Oklahoma, what could that possibly mean? Trying not to get bitten while we attempted to charm snakes? “When we were kids on the McKenna ranch, we were allowed television twice a week. And video games and the internet were for special occasions. During school vacations our mother used to kick us out of the house after breakfast and we were told not to come back until dark. Now, some of you have grown up in the city so may have had different experiences, but I can tell you when I look back at my life, those times were the least complicated, most fun of my life. And I want us to recapture some of that.” She walked across to a metal chest, placed in between the benches opposite the fire. “In here, there’s a soccer ball and some baseball bats. I think there’s even a net of some kind in there. It’s a treasure chest of fun. So decide what you want to do together and get busy. I don’t want to see any of you sitting around.” I glanced over at Kennedy, who was grinning as she made her way to the chest. I lingered behind. I wanted to slip my hand into Blake’s. I wanted to feel better. I wanted him to make me feel better. After the revelations in the forest over lunch, the last thing he probably felt like doing was touching me. Kennedy’s description of me made me sound like a fake—some kind of Stepford wife. Who’d be interested in that? My stomach tightened as I remembered her saying I manipulated myself into someone men would like. I just didn’t recognize the person she was describing. She must have

just been trying to get back at me for bringing her on this trip. Yes, I wanted men to like me, who didn’t? I knew even Kennedy didn’t go around wanting people to hate her—she enjoyed attracting male attention—so what was I doing that was so wrong? I noticed Rose didn’t stick up for me but I could hardly be mad at her—she’d been the victim of Kennedy’s theories, too. Except Kennedy had been spot-on with Rose. But she’d been wrong about me, hadn’t she? “I don’t want to see you until dinner time. Have fun!” Brianna said. “What about water volleyball?” Natasha suggested. “Cooling off in the lake sounds fun.” “But we don’t have any posts for the net,” Rose said. “We can just use some markers in the water; we don’t need a net,” Kennedy replied. “That’s the spirit, girls. You don’t need things to be perfect to have fun,” Brianna said. Her words echoed in my head. Shouldn’t we at least be striving toward perfection? Maybe not in water volleyball, but in life? I’d not played water volleyball since I was in high school, and I’d never cared for it. My preferred sport was gymnastics. I liked the way you competed with yourself as much as everyone else. It seemed better that way—less confrontational. “You up for some water volleyball?” Rose asked me. “About as much as you are,” I replied. “I don’t know. I think we should keep an open mind. I kinda like being off the grid like this. Not having to worry about checking emails and paying bills. No blow-drying my hair or doing the laundry. Brianna’s right, the day to day of life gets in the way of just having fun.” Maybe Rose was on to something. Even though I worked on trying to create a reality for me that made me happy, I rarely did anything in the moment just because I’d enjoy it. It was all about planning for a time when one day, everything would be perfect, and then I could relax—that was the time to enjoy life. Maybe it was possible that I could have fun as I went along, that I could be happy before my plan was perfectly executed. I guess it was similar to Blake’s comments to me about enjoying the journey. “I have plenty of fun with my friend tequila, but a lake that might give us countless diseases and the threat of a broken nose sounds like a peachy alternative,” I responded. “Alcoholic fun doesn’t count,” Rose said. I shrugged. “Of course it counts.” “Come on, you cynic, I’ve been waiting to drown you since I arrived,” Kennedy said as she brushed past me. “Let’s change and get out there. The sooner you accept your fate, the better.”

Blake “It’s great to have you here,” Brianna said as she poked at the fire with a stick. I dropped another armful of wood by the benches. I was trying to get things set up for Big John coming before it got dark. “It’s good to be here,” I replied. The girls had gone to the lake, leaving Brianna and I to prepare dinner with their shouting and laughing as our soundtrack. “I bet you don’t lift and carry so many logs back in Oklahoma City, do you?” “Not so much. More test tubes and laptops.” I grinned, took off my gloves and sat down. “I’m keeping you fit for all those lucky girls.” “Well, I appreciate it. And I’m sure they do, too.” I winked. “I came back just to be ordered around because I miss it so much.” As a girl growing up with three brothers, Brianna’d held her own. We always knew she was the one in charge, and most of the time we were happy to dance to her tune, even if we pretended we weren’t. My mother was always very clear that girls had to be respected and treated well. All three of the McKenna brothers interpreted that differently in our love lives, but not when it came to Brianna. She ruled. Period. “Stop it. You know you love it,” she said and I laughed. “You enjoying being here more than you thought?” “I am. You’ve got a great setup here. Thought everything through and doin’ really good things for these women. I’m proud of you.” “Careful now, that sounds like a compliment.” “Well, maybe it is.” I nudged her with my shoulder. “Helping people suits you.” “I like it. I’ve been able to combine my education with my real life experience and stay in this beautiful part of the world. I have nothing to complain about. These women bring color to my life, and I hope I help them a little in return.” I nodded. This wasn’t just business for Brianna; this was a calling. “It’s what y’all call a symbiotic relationship.” She emphasized her southern drawl and I chuckled. “And you and Chad . . . You think you’re going to end up with him?” I asked. “Maybe. But I’m in no rush. Not anymore. Doing this fills my soul in a way I thought marriage and babies would. Maybe they still will, but at the moment it’s nice to enjoy this for a little while.” Seeing my sister content and fulfilled was all I could hope for as a brother. “You don’t wish things had turned out differently for you and Peter?” Brianna had been devastated by her boyfriend’s cheating at the time. I often wondered whether she was truly over it or just trying to cover it up with southern smiles. “Not at all. It’s kinda frustrating that I feel thankful to him for cheating on me. I’m more me than I ever would have been with him. I have a different life now, but it’s much more joyful than I could have ever hoped for.” Shrieks from the lake grew louder. Would Mackenzie feel the same about her ex, or would she always wish things had been different, that her wedding had never been called off? “And what about you? Why are you sitting next to your sister around a campfire, rather than

downing shots at Jimmy’s?” “You don’t like my company?” I grinned. “I love your company and your deflection. Way to avoid the question. Spill it.” Brianna hadn’t pushed me until now, but she knew the time was right. She was hardcore. I took a deep breath. “I’ve just been offered a promotion at work.” “Wow, I wanna have problems like you. Congratulations.” “Yeah, thanks.” I nodded slowly. “So,” Brianna said, “why aren’t you high fiving me?” “I am, it’s just—” “You and Stacey back together?” I took the stick that she’d been using to poke the fire from her and pushed an escaping log back into the flames. “Nope. Stacey and I . . . we were never . . .” When Stacey told me it was over, I hadn’t been sad about it. I’d expected it would happen at some stage. “I still like her, as a friend.” I was pretty sure she’d met someone else before she’d ended it with me, but even that didn’t bother me particularly. We’d reached the end of the road, which I’d known we would at some point. “It’s fine. I’m not pining after her. She wasn’t the one.” She was a nice girl who got on with my friends and she was good company. We just weren’t on the same page. My life was about work and she wanted it to be about her. But I couldn’t force that, could I? Maybe I had to make more of an effort, but wasn’t love meant to be easy? I didn’t want to spend time with her if I really wanted to be somewhere else. Maybe that made me an asshole. “Did my big brother just say ‘the one’? Is that who you’re waiting for?” “I guess. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?” I hadn’t been consciously waiting for someone, but perhaps that’s why I’d never gotten serious about a girl before. “I’m not sure there are any meant tos or supposed tos. It’s your life, Blake. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, you have to make yourself happy. Do you know what you want?” “In terms of a girlfriend?” I asked. She nodded. “Or a wife.” “Someone I want to spend time with above everything else.” Stacey always complained that I worked too much. And it wasn’t that I didn’t like spending time with her. I just didn’t need to be with her. I’d never felt a need for a woman. “And a partner I guess.” I’d never thought about it consciously, but I liked clever, driven women. I didn’t want an appendage. Some of my friends had wives who seemed to be a part of their lives in the way their home, their car, their watch, their annual vacation was. “I don’t want us just to have our kids in common.” “I think it’s good to know what you want. Otherwise there’s always the possibility that you end up with someone and only realize afterward that it wasn’t what you wanted.” “I’m not sure I’ve ever thought about it before.” I’d had plenty of sex but only a few relationships, none of which I’d instigated. I’d always just fallen into being with people. Relationships were never a focus like my career was. With Stacey, we’d worked together and she was friendly and sweet and clever. Before that, there’d been nothing serious. I seemed to drift into things and out of them just as easily. I’d never really thought about what I was looking for. In fact, I’d never actually looked. All I was focused on was my job. “That doesn’t surprise me. You’re a man after all. And a McKenna man at that.” She punched my arm and I winced, pretending it hurt. “It’s good to be as conscious in your choices about your relationships as you are about your career.” “I guess that makes sense.”

“Of course it does. Because I’m always right.” She giggled and I rolled my eyes. “And speaking of your career, you’re not excited about this promotion?” I sighed and stretched my legs. “It’s not that I’m not excited. It’s just that there’s another opportunity as well.” “My poor brother. Life’s so tough for you.” I chuckled and shook my head. “I didn’t say I had a problem. Just a dilemma.” “Okay, okay.” She patted my leg. “Talk to me about the other opportunity so I’m getting this.” “I started some research when I was at Harvard. It was a sweetener that looked like it was going to have fewer side effects than most artificial sweeteners.” I pulled off my cap, scraped my fingers through my hair and then replaced my hat. “Okay, I think I remember a little about that.” “Well I didn’t carry on with the research when I left Harvard for UT, but in my free time I’ve been working on it on and off.” “Because it’s interesting? Or because you have no social life and you’re a big nerd?” I rolled my eyes. “Both. The findings I have so far indicate it could really make a difference to people’s health. And that, you know, is huge.” “Because you want to change the world.” Brianna’s tone wasn’t teasing. She knew it was important for me to try to make a difference, because that’s what science was about. That’s what I was about. “I just could never let go of it, and thought that one day I’d pick it up and maybe have my own lab and develop it.” I adjusted my cap. “Anyway, one of my old professors had a lot of contacts who commercialize the research his department does. I kept in touch with him when I left and through him, I’ve been talking to ARK Foods. You know them?” “Of course.” The next words struggled to come out as if they were too big for my throat. The more I said it, the more real it became, and what should be an easy decision just wasn’t. “Well, they want to fund my start-up so I can continue with my research on the sweetener. They believe in it.” Brianna grabbed my knee. “Oh my gosh, Blake, that’s incredible. Your own company? Isn’t that what you wanted when you finished college? I never quite understood why you took that job in Oklahoma City.” I shrugged, trying to bite back a smile at Brianna’s infectious enthusiasm. “Yeah, it’s kind of what I’ve always dreamed of. It’s just that ARK want me in Boston—their corporate offices are nearby, so it makes sense. I’m going to need talented scientists to work with me and there’s plenty of them in Massachusetts.” “Is moving a problem?” I squinted up at the horizon. The light had begun to soften. Soon the colors of the sky would begin to change. “I’m not sure. It’s a long way from Christie. And I love this place and you guys.” “We still only see you four times a year—I’m not criticising you. That’s just life. I think you can make it back from Boston that often, and I heard we’re going to get better Wi-Fi. So when we teach Mama how to FaceTime, it won’t matter if you’re in the city or in Boston.” “Maybe.” I’d moved to Boston before and things hadn’t worked out—I’d not been happy. I didn’t fit in. “But you want to be closer so you don’t have to take two planes four times a year? That can’t be just it. Because if it is—” “No, that’s not just it.” I began to pick at the bark on the side of the log on which we were sitting.

How did I explain something to Brianna that I hadn’t worked out in my own head? “When I was growing up in Christie, I never quite fit in, did I?” “You make it sound like you were some kind of oddball.” She pushed her feet out in front of her, making a horseshoe-shaped channel in the dirt. “You were very clever, but you did all the guy things, too. You were always great at track and fishing. You always had plenty of girls. You were just always the kid that was going to leave.” I nodded and peeled off a chunk of bark. “I knew Christie wasn’t my future. I never thought I’d work on the ranch or get a job locally.” “Exactly. No one thought so, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t fit in. You were still our brother. We just all knew you had a different path to follow. What has that got to do with Boston?” It was funny how accepting my family was of my differences. Perhaps more than I was. “When I went to Harvard, I thought that’s where I’d find my future. That I’d be with people who were like me.” “And that’s not what happened? You think that’s why you dropped out?” I’d been heavy with disappointment that Harvard wasn’t everything I’d expected it to be. “I was this small-town kid, surrounded by East Coast privileged, privately educated frat boys. They all seemed so much more sophisticated than I was, and at the same time total jerks.” I’d lived in the lab most of the time I was there. I don’t remember socializing much, but then I didn’t let myself think about anything outside of the science when I thought of Boston. “I never knew that’s how you felt.” I glanced at my sister to catch her frowning. “But you were straight off the bus from Oklahoma back then. It was different. You’d never been out of Christie. Now you’re this charming, successful guy who can hold his own with anyone.” “I’m charming?” I grinned. “Well, not as far as I’m concerned. But some people would say so. You wouldn’t be going back to Boston on the same terms. College is a shit storm for most people.” Brianna waved her hands in front of her. “Everyone just pretends to have a good time. I stayed in the south and I felt like I didn’t belong plenty of times. That’s called being a teenager or a new adult or whatever they’re calling it nowadays.” Was she right and it was actually the time in my life that had been the problem and not the place? “Were things really so much better in Texas?” Of course Texas had been better, hadn’t it? I just remembered being relieved to be away from Harvard, to be in the sun and closer to my family. “I think the people were different, like less elitist, more down to earth.” “The girls with us camping are all East Coast city girls. Do they seem so different to Christie girls?” I shook my head. When I was with Mackenzie, things were easy. It didn’t feel uneven between us. Far from it. “People are people,” Brianna said. “You’re going to get all types in all places. You just gotta trust yourself that the right ones will find you and vice versa.” She made it sound simple. “The promotion in Oklahoma City is a big one. I’ve spent the last few years working toward it and if I give this up, I’m not sure I’d be able to come back. It’s a big salary hike. I could buy a bigger place, with a yard for kids and stuff.” I was on to a good thing in Oklahoma City. I liked the people I worked with and I had a circle of friends who had taken a while to establish, and even though I didn’t come back to Christie very often, I knew that I could if I wanted to. My sister raised her eyebrows. “Is there something I don’t know? You dating someone special?” “No, no one since Stacey, but—”

“So worry about the house when you get to that point in life. You’re not the guy who takes the safe route. If you were, you’d have come back to Christie. You like to challenge yourself. Remember when you picked a fight with that tall kid, what was his name?” I nodded. “Miller.” Brianna clasped her hand on her forehead and laughed. “He was at least twice as tall as you.” “He was three years older than me.” I’d never been short for my age. “But he was picking on another kid, right?” I nodded. “Craig Adams. The kid whose dad died.” “That’s the guy you are. The guy who overreaches to help someone.” “Brianna, that example sucks. Miller broke my nose.” “It does not suck. I told you, I’m always right. Just because you didn’t beat him doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have tried. When I was little, you always told me that you wanted to make a difference.” Brianna pushed at my shoulder, trying to get me to face her. I shifted my hips and lifted my knee onto the log. “When anyone asked you what you were going to do when you grew up, that’s what I heard from you. You never said cowboy, or fireman. You wanted to make a difference—such an existential kid.” She chuckled. “That’s a great thing, Blake, and you shouldn’t lose that about yourself. It’s who you are and it’s who you inspire others to be. If it hadn’t been for you, I’m not sure I’d be here, tryin’ to help these girls. You’re the one that put it in my head that making a difference is important.” “Well that’s sweet and all, but I’m not sure I want to live on the East Coast.” I liked the South. Oklahoma was home. “Sounds to me like you’re a chicken shit.” I shifted so my entire body faced Brianna, challenging her to repeat what she just said. She shrugged. “I mean it, Blake. You sound scared.” “Scared because I want to be happy?” “Scared of taking a risk.” She twisted so we were face to face, like two bulls sizing each other up. I rolled my eyes. “Says the girl who still lives in Christie, Oklahoma.” “I live here because I love it. I love the sunsets and the fresh air. I love the fact that everyone in this town has known me my whole life, or I’ve known them theirs. But you don’t love Oklahoma City. There’s no one tying you to that place. You love science. You want to change the world and make a difference.” She grabbed my arm. “And now someone’s offering you that and you’re being a chicken shit.” She talked as if she was stating facts—the world is round, there are thirty-six inches in a yard. Except what she was saying wasn’t fact—far from it. “Your problem is you never failed at much.” It was as if she’d lit touch paper. Heat poured through my veins. I never failed at much? “Do you even know which brother you’re talking to? I dropped out of Harvard, remember?” I shook my head and turned back to the fire, trying to control my pulse, which had started to race. I had failed at Harvard. I’d failed in Boston. I’d had the biggest opportunity in my life and I’d failed. And now I was being offered another huge opportunity, which meant going back to the scene of the crime just to fail all over again. Why would I do that? This conversation was pointless. Brianna shrugged as if it was nothing. Nothing. It might be easy for her to dismiss, but I’d never felt like such a complete failure in my life. “So this is the real problem?” she said. “We’ve been dancing around, talking about being far away from Christie when really, you just don’t want to go back to where you went to college.” Dropped out of college.

“I love you, Blake.” She chuckled and I wanted to dump her in the lake. “Most of us who aren’t as beautiful, clever and talented as you learn that failure leads to strength. We fail and we get back up stronger than before, more determined. Everything came easy to you.” Like hell it did. I fisted my hands and tightened my jaw. What did she know? “And when things weren’t easy at Harvard, you dropped out. And now that you have a difficult decision to make, you want to take the easy route because you’re chicken shit.” “Jesus, Brianna, is this what they taught you in psychology classes? To name call?” I never got mad at Brianna. She was always fair and funny and wise but tonight? Tonight she was pissing me off. “Because if I were you, I’d be asking them to refund your tuition. Seriously. Shut the fuck up.” “You know I’m right.” I’d had enough. I’d come here to talk to her and she was throwing out insults like we were kids and I’d just stolen her popsicle. I stood and picked up my gloves from the log. “I mean it, Blake. You can’t let the fact that you dropped out of Harvard be the reason you don’t get everything you want in life however many years later.” “I’m trying to work out what I want, because believe it or not, I do like Oklahoma City and my life there. And the job I’m being offered is fantastic. This isn’t as cut and dried as you think it is.” The distant noise of the girls at the lake grew louder. They were on their way back. “I love you, Blake. Just think about it.” “You’re full of shit, Brianna, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, too.” I bent down and kissed her on the top of her head. She shrugged. “I’m many things but full of shit isn’t one of them. Think on it. The light is fading. Let’s get these girls fed before Big John arrives.” “I’ll go and get some more wood from the pile.” I wanted to get away, have a few moments to myself to calm down. I loved my sister but she could be infuriating at times. Yes, she had a great view of the world and she was insightful and sensitive, but despite thinking she did, she didn’t know everything. It wasn’t as simple as she made it seem. The girls had made it back to camp by the time I’d collected the first pile of wood and were headed in my direction. I smiled as they laughed and talked over each other all wet hair and weary limbs. Mackenzie being close warmed me, calmed me—made me relieved to be here. We locked eyes; it was as if she could tell I was watching. I winked at her and she glanced around as if to check that no one had seen. I kept still while they wandered toward me, not wanting to give anything away by the grin on my face that Mackenzie put there. The girls passed me on their way back to their cabins. Mackenzie dropped behind the others slightly and brushed my arm with her fingers on her way. My skin lit up where she touched me. I couldn’t wait to get her on her own tonight. I wanted to hear about her day, make those sad, almond shaped eyes fill with pleasure as I pressed my tongue against her. Red was the perfect distraction from the looming question of my future. I dumped the wood and pulled off my gloves as I stared at the sky. The horizon was hosting a silent battle between orange and pink. You don’t get sunsets like this in Boston. I turned and John’s tall frame came into view. I waved. He was dressed for business, shaman business that was. He was cloaked in feathers and brightly colored woven strips of fabric with a platesized, smooth, gold medallion covering his chest. On his head were hundreds of inky blue strands of what looked like wool, braided into an oversized crown, studded with smaller circles of metal. I’d not seen him like this for a while. For throwing back beers with my dad on the porch, like the rest of

Christie, he was happy in jeans and a plaid shirt. As kids, we’d all been scared of Big John. Christie wasn’t the most diverse of places and not only did Big John look different, he spoke with an accent. For the whole time I’d been alive, he’d been the town doctor. During the day he carried out house calls and took appointments. When night fell Big John shed his suit and stethoscope for a cape of feathers and an animal skin drum. He was a healer day and night, but his methods couldn’t have been more different. Some might not have thought Christie was a place to embrace a man with such a colorful background, but as the doctor, most people trusted him enough to visit him in shaman mode at one point or other. If someone needed him, John could channel the spirits and send someone’s best future to them with the help of their dead ancestors. There was no way I’d have risked an application to Harvard without a visit to John. “Hey, John.” I greeted him with a handshake. He was at least as tall as me and sturdy looking, as if he’d come from the earth. Although he must be in his fifties, and was starting to gray at the temples, I bet he still chopped his own wood and could see most men off in a fight. Not that I could ever imagine him fighting. His strength was matched only by a peacefulness about him. “Good to see you, Blake. You keeping well?” He released my hand and patted me on the shoulder. I grabbed two bottles of water from the icebox and handed one to John. “Yeah, and you and Penny?” Big John’s eyes widened and brightened at mention of his wife. Penny and my mom had been friends all their lives. She was a warm, beautiful blonde and whenever I thought of her she was wearing sunshine yellow. According to my mom, she’d never been able to have kids so had always treated us like her own, and we’d been as comfortable around her kitchen table as our mother ’s. “She’s just perfect as usual. And as long as she is, you’ll never hear me complain.” “What the love of a good woman does for you, right?” We sat down opposite the fire and John set his large drum, which looked almost like an oversized tambourine without the bells, against the bench. “Absolutely. But that’s something you’ve yet to find out.” “I guess so.” I nodded slowly and took a sip of my water, unsure whether he’d been talking to my mom or the spirits. “So, you’ve been working with Brianna on these trips for a while?” “This is my fourth time. It’s nice to see new faces. Help different people.” “Well, I know Brianna is grateful. It’s good of you to do it.” “It’s never enough. You know what it’s like. You have that desire to touch people, make things better too. It’s within me as a shaman but that need sits in many people’s hearts.” He sat forward and linked his fingers together, his elbows resting on his knees. “We can’t keep our gifts to ourselves. They’re for the benefit of everyone. If you have that kind of heart, you can’t sit on it, do nothing.” The fire reflected in John’s eyes as he stared intently at me. Was he talking about me? Or him? “Brianna’s given me an opportunity to touch, to heal. I’m grateful to her.” He patted my knee as his attention was caught by the girls coming out of their cabins. “Be brave, son.” Did he know? Had Brianna told him? No, how could she? I’d only just had the conversation with her. Was he saying I had an obligation to go to Boston? And had he also just called me a chicken shit in so many words? Jesus, what was with this place? My thoughts were interrupted by the girls gathering by the fire. They were all smiling and laughing and most of them wore flowers in their hair the way Brianna used to when we were small. I

grinned over at Kennedy, as she and her friends stole glances at John. John quietly tapped on his drum and hummed as the girls chattered in quiet voices and the flames licked at the darkness. I watched Mackenzie smile, her face lit by the fire, as her friends on either side of her leaned closer, whispering conspiratorially. She glanced across at me and our eyes collided. I wished we were alone, or that at least she could be sitting next to me and I could be the one whispering in her ear. She looked at Brianna, then back at me and away. I couldn’t stop staring at her. How mad would Brianna be? “Right,” Brianna said, standing up and clapping her hands together. “Tonight we have a very special visitor. Big John is a proud Christie resident, lived here all his life, but his ancestors are from Mongolia and the men in his family, going back generations, have all been shamans. However much Bettie Green might deny it, there’s no one in our town who hasn’t gone to Big John at some point to look for answers.” Brianna raised her eyebrows and put her hand on her hip. “Big John is going to summon your ancestors and together they’re going to help you find the future men in your life.” Just another Sunday night in Christie. John stood and the thumping of his drum got louder as did his chanting, which buzzed through the air. He started to move, from foot to foot, his head nodding from side to side as he stared skyward. Everyone was still, all eyes on John. Only the crack and pop of the fire dared to make a sound. Suddenly the chanting and the drum beats stopped, and John shut his eyes and bowed deeply before standing straight and pointing sharply in the direction of the girls. “Go to him,” Brianna said to Rose. She stood, glanced back at her friends and tentatively moved toward John. John’s eyes were closed, even as his hand stretched toward Rose. “Brother,” he whispered. Mackenzie’s eyes were wide as she looked between John and Rose. I wanted to slide my arm around her and pull her close. John started to hum again, more quietly than before, almost as if he were talking to the fire. Looking past Rose, he drew his brows together and squinted as if he were trying to bring something into focus. “Young and strong. So sudden.” Shaking his head, John glanced at Rose, pity in his eyes. I watched Rose, whose tear-filled eyes reflected the fear that John’s understanding provoked in first timers. It was unnerving to have the most personal parts of you revealed to a stranger. I’d known John all my life and even our conversation tonight had unsettled me. Did he know of my dilemma, had the spirits told him? Or did he just know me? John shut his eyes and mumbled; it sounded as if he were talking in another language. I’d always assumed he was simply bilingual but now, listening as an adult, the words were punctuated by clicks and jaw movements I’d never noticed before. I wasn’t sure if it was a language or a reaction to the spirit. John opened his eyes and stepped toward Rose. He towered above her and then crouched and shifted sharply from side to side and up and down as if he were trying to capture every angle of her. Slowly, he moved around her, his feet stomping into the dirt so hard I felt the vibrations of the earth yards away. When he’d come full circle, he stood straight and began to nod, his movements getting bigger and bigger. Rose wrapped her arms around her waist, as if trying to protect herself, and her eyes grew wide. They looked at each other for a second before John grabbed her chin and shouted love before going back to nodding and thumping his drum. “He’s coming; he’s coming soon. Very soon. And it won’t be

an accident. Very strange. A forced circumstance. You’ll know.” And with that he sat down and stared into the fire. Rose frowned as Brianna guided her back to her seat. “It can seem a little confusing, but this is a good thing. Your brother sent you the man you’ll spend the rest of your life with and it sounds like you’ll be getting to know him sooner rather than later. Is that right, John?” John nodded. “And you don’t have to look. He’ll come to you. In a familiar place.” Rose began to grin as she turned to her friends. A twinge bloomed in my gut as I glanced at Mackenzie. She was about to be sent the love of her life. I wasn’t sure I was entirely happy with that idea. I’d known her just a couple of days and we came from completely different worlds, but I liked her. I felt as if I knew her better than I should after such a short period of time, most of which had been spent naked. I loved her spirit, her naïvety, her willingness to give herself to me. It seemed so easy with her. There was no pressure, no expectation. It felt so honest. I guess that was because we knew that both of us would walk away after our time together in Christie. It took any pressure off. And she wasn’t someone taking me away from work or needing more time than I could give her. I sighed. If I liked her so much, I should be pleased John would ensure she found happiness. It wasn’t as if I was able to offer her anything. Kennedy wiped her palms down her jeans as she stood and pulled her shoulders down, lifting her chin. Over the next few minutes, John’s magic seeped through her tough exterior, and by the time he was done with her, her stance, her eyes, her face had softened as if her edges had been smoothed away by the spirit of her grandmother, who told her someone tall and unusual from another world would find her. When John turned to Mackenzie, my heart thundered and I had to resist the urge to stand up and claim her. I needed to snap out of it. She was practically a stranger to me. A stranger with a nice ass and a beautiful smile. A girl who’d trusted me. A woman who expected nothing from me but invoked a need in me to please her. She looked expectantly at John and his eyes narrowed as the beat of his drum got deeper and lower. He nodded at her. She stood and walked toward him, just as the others had done. John began to sway in circles, poking his fingers in the air, making sounds I’d never heard before. The beating of his drum got louder and louder. I’d never seen him like this. It sounded like he was arguing with the spirits. Perhaps he didn’t agree with what had been said. Mackenzie’s hands flattened against her chest and she hunched forward as if she were trying to make herself smaller, as if she was hoping she might disappear. I wanted to go and stand with her, reassure her that Big John meant her no harm. He came to an abrupt halt and stood, still as a stone, the only sound coming from him the violent inhalation of air. He dropped his drum and it hit the ground with a boom. Mackenzie turned her head and glanced at me. I didn’t know how to react. Finally, John sat as if nothing had happened. “She knows,” he said as he shrugged. “Already knows.” Brianna stood. “John, did someone come through for Mackenzie?” He looked up at Brianna. “Yes. She knows.” Brianna looked uncomfortable. “What does she know, John?” “The man. She knows the man. It will just take some time.” John scowled at the fire, then stood and headed back to his truck, clearly unwilling to be drawn into any further discussion. “Well it sounds like you may already have the right man in your life, you just need to rediscover

him. Perhaps an ex-boyfriend?” By Brianna’s clipped words and forced smile, I could tell she was a little unsettled by such a strange reaction from John, but she was so good at covering it up, no one would have known except me. Mackenzie’s message had been more cryptic than everyone else’s and was the only one that referred to someone she knew. It stung a little to know that Mackenzie was already spoken for. I was pretty sure the sex between us was better than she’d ever had. Hell, it was better than I’d ever had. I tried to console myself with the fact that tonight she’d be mine again. I was happy to provide her with distraction and vice versa. Mackenzie looked more upset than I would’ve expected and she sat down, Kennedy and Rose immediately wrapping arms around her. I guess she came to Oklahoma looking for a change only to be told that she’d already met her future. “Thanks for coming out,” I said, following John to the edge of camp. I glanced back at Mackenzie, who was still being comforted by the other girls. Jealousy twinged in my fingers. I wanted to be the one with her now, holding her, making it better. I wanted her to be holding me. Just as I was starting to settle into Christie’s easy rhythm, the snow globe had been shaken up and I was dizzy from all the conversations and questions spinning through my head. I’d been looking for a simple answer and, if anything was clear to me now, it was that there would be no such thing. Brianna’d irritated me rather than providing a solution. I still had no answer to the question of whether I risk a reality that I knew to be good for the hope of something that would likely make me miserable. Did I choose to stay on the path I was walking—it was safe and certain—or did I move to a place where I knew I’d failed once to pursue a dream I’d had since college? Things were okay in Oklahoma, nothing was pushing me out. Was the pull of Boston strong enough? Was having my own company and developing my research what I really wanted? Was I greedy to want more than what I already had? Or was I just being a chicken shit? Was John talking to me earlier? Would I be unable to rest until I was sharing my research, my gift? Was it my obligation, my calling?

Mackenzie This trip wasn’t turning out how I’d expected. At. All. The shaman was meant to be the good bit of Love Rehab, or so Ann had said. I didn’t have to think about anything; I just had to stand there and be sent the man of my dreams. How hard could it be? I should have left on the second day after all. If my vagina hadn’t been bewitched by Blake, I might have. “You okay, Mackenzie?” Kennedy asked as she came out of the bathroom. Rose was already asleep. We’d come straight back to the cabin after the shaman, but I hadn’t wanted to talk about what had happened. “Yeah, tired.” That was a lie. I wanted to punch something, run somewhere. Sleep was the last thing on my mind. “I’m sure it’s all bullshit,” she said. “Bullshit or not, there’s not much I can do about it.” The shaman had sent everyone else the love of their life. But me? Apparently, I was going to get back with Phil. When I arrived, I’d hoped for a call from Phil telling me he’d acted rashly by calling off our engagement in order that I could get my plan back on track. At the time it would have been the best possible outcome from coming here. I slumped back onto my bed and stared at the ceiling as Rose began to snore. It just wasn’t fucking fair. I’d organized this trip. Hell, I’d had to practically drag Kennedy here by the hair and staple her to my side to make her stay. And yet, it was Rose and Kennedy that were promised the bright romantic future that I so desperately wanted. I was consigned to a do-over. A man I already knew. I felt cheated. I should be grateful. Two days ago I would have been. But something in the Christie air gave life to the niggling feeling at the back of my head that told me Phil had done the right thing by calling off the wedding. Kennedy mumbled, a sure sign she was asleep. If we weren’t in the middle of nowhere, I’d pack up my stuff and get out of Dodge. I wanted my own bed, a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s and a marathon of Real Housewives. God only knew what tomorrow had in store for us. But I was done. I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed, craning my neck to see if I could see any signs of wakefulness from either of my two friends. Nope, they were dead to the world. I slid on my shoes. If Blake had gone back to his cabin, I wasn’t about to go and hunt him down, but if he was around—like I said, my vagina was bewitched. Sex would be a good way of forgetting about today. I was so heavy with thoughts of it all, I needed something to take it all away, erase it from my head. Maybe then I could sleep. I opened the door just a crack to see Blake sitting on the log by the fire, facing our cabin. Our eyes locked and I managed a half smile as I stepped out. Did he think I was looking for sex? Had he been waiting for sex? I shook my head. I didn’t have to worry about it. He was an extended one-night stand. I’d never see him again after this trip, so what did it matter if he thought I wanted him again? Frankly, looking like

he did, he was probably used to women wanting him. As I walked toward him, his face glowed in the light of the flames, and the shadows that fell over him emphasized his size. He was big in a way that was protective rather than aggressive—tall and quietly muscular, not bulky in any way. Like he’d stand in front of me if fists came my way, but never be the one to throw the first punch. Seeing him without being surrounded by people was a luxury. All day I found myself conscious of where he was. Like a magnet to my metal, I felt his pull constantly. I had to actively stop myself from watching him, from staring at his broad shoulders or his sharp jaw, his hard chest or his roped forearms. “Hey.” He reached and smoothed his hand around my waist, then pulled me onto his lap. “How are you doing?” he asked, his voice just above a whisper. “I’m set for a miserable future. How about you? Pissed about missing the game?” I tugged at his hat, trying to keep things light. But what was in Blake’s eyes was serious. They were questioning and his silence felt like torture. I stared at the fire. I didn’t want to talk or to relive tonight with the shaman. He stroked my back and kissed my temple. The last thing I wanted was his pity. I began to move off his lap. “Hey.” He pulled me back. “Don’t look at me like you feel sorry for me.” He turned my jaw so I was face to face with him. Reluctantly, I glanced up. “Really?” I turned away and he stood with me in his arms and strode toward the cabins. I wasn’t sure a man had ever carried me anywhere. I liked it. It made me feel safe, like I was his. Like he’d take me wherever he went and never leave. He set me down outside the cabin we’d been in last night and pushed the door open, gesturing for me to go inside. His sleeping bag was already on the bed along with the blanket we’d used by the lake the first night we’d met. It looked like maybe he’d been expecting me, hoping for me. Blake took my hand and led me to the bed. Instead of ripping my clothes off and kissing me, he climbed onto the sleeping bag fully clothed and pulled me down next to him. We lay on our sides facing each other, his arms wrapped around me, my hands pressed to his chest. “You’re beautiful. Even when you’re sad.” I smiled, but it was forced and mechanical. “Talk to me,” he whispered. I shrugged. I wanted all the feelings from today to disappear. I didn’t want to pull them out and bathe in them. Couldn’t things just be okay? I needed to feel better right now; I wanted to get lost in the feel of Blake rather than talk to him. Couldn’t he fuck me so I didn’t have to think? I shifted in his arms, hoping that our bodies rubbing together would make him forget he’d asked me a question. “Talk to me, Red,” he whispered. I stilled, and stared at his chest, embarrassed my plan hadn’t worked. “What do you want me to say?” Did he not want to have sex with me because he’d seen the inside of my head or because I was promised to an ex? “Do you mind that I’m here while you do all this stuff Brianna has planned?” I moved my hand from his chest, but he caught it and slid his fingers between mine. “No. At

first . . . with the horse. That was embarrassing. I’m not a liar.” “No one thinks you’re a liar. You know that’s not what anyone thinks.” I shrugged. “Sometimes I think the Mackenzie I see when it’s just you and me isn’t the Mackenzie taking part in these tasks,” he said. Now he was calling me fake? It was too much. I couldn’t let myself be sad because if I started crying, I might never stop. I tried to pull away from him, to get off the bed, but he held me close. “You’re not going anywhere.” “I’m not staying to be called a fake.” Not by him. “I’m more myself with you than I have been with any man.” Although it was true, I hadn’t realized it until I was speaking the words. “I’m not calling you a fake. Far from it. I like who you are. You’re wild and free when we’re together. You hold nothing back. But today the task upset you.” He swept my hair from my forehead. “Can I be honest?” I rolled my eyes. “Why stop now.” However hurtful it might be, hearing what he was going to say was better than leaving to go back to my cabin. Being uncomfortable with Blake was better than being miserable on my own. He grinned as if I were a petulant child he found amusing. “How come you don’t know what you want from a man? A lot of women have a list.” I sighed. Was he really the only guy on earth who wanted to talk about feelings rather than get naked? “Isn’t it a good thing that I could identify lots of positive things I bring to a relationship? I don’t understand why everyone didn’t get that . . . Why are people so focused on me not having a list of things I want in a guy?” “I think it’s good that you don’t have a huge list, but doesn’t it tell you something that you don’t focus on what you get from a relationship at all? It seems it’s all about how much you give.” It was as if I was having to do extra classes because I’d failed the regular ones. Was Blake the remedial teacher? “Yeah, it tells me people are focused on the wrong thing. Is it so bad that I care about what makes people happy?” The words came out choppy and sharp, and I wanted to gobble them back in as soon as they were out of my mouth. Blake stroked my face and I tried not to melt into him. “Did you think that maybe the stones said that you concentrate on what makes your boyfriend—or fiancé—happy over what would make you happy?” I shifted again, this time trying to create a tiny amount of distance between us. “But isn’t it good to put someone else’s needs before your own? I mean, doesn’t that just say that I’m not selfish?” Blake took a deep breath and kissed me on the forehead. “Perhaps you need to be a little more selfish. What you want is important. It can’t all be about the other person. It’s an exchange—every relationship is. It can’t be all one way.” I let him pull me closer. I didn’t have a response. It made sense, but I wasn’t sure that was how it worked in reality. I enjoyed making my boyfriend happy, enjoyed having men fall in love with me. That was the order of my relationships. I made my boyfriend happy, he fell in love with me, then I fell in love with him. It had always been that way. But then, in the last act, everything fell apart. “It doesn’t work anyway. They always leave me no matter how good I am.” “That’s an interesting way to have described it.” Images flashed through my head of me as a little girl, sitting at the top of the stairs watching my dad leave. I’d always blamed my mother for him leaving. We wouldn’t have been alone if she hadn’t cried so much, shouted at him so often. Or if I’d smiled more. He always liked it when I smiled.

Blake pulling me closer brought me back into the moment. I wasn’t upset about my dad—it was all too long ago. It was this place that was driving me crazy. “And the shaman,” I blurted when Blake didn’t say anything. “Why did he refuse to speak to my dead relatives? If I have a problem then send me a fucking solution. All the other girls have got something to look forward to.” “Maybe that’s a good thing. You’ve found your guy, right? Maybe your fiancé is going to realize what he let go.” I squirmed at the reality of having a conversation about Phil and me with a man I hardly knew but who could make me come as easily as he snapped his fingers. It was as if we inhabited a special planet where the normal rules of dating and relationships didn’t apply. I didn’t want to taint it. Talking about the possibility of getting back with someone in my past with Blake sent a shiver up my spine. Although we were suspended in this altered reality, being with Blake made me hungry for something more than what my past had to offer me. I was beginning to realize that as much as I was sad to lose Phil, I’d been more upset that I wasn’t getting married. To anyone. I looked up at Blake. “Is this weird? Talking about this stuff? We hardly know each other and yet physically . . .” Blake shook his head. “Maybe it should be, but I don’t feel weird about it. It’s good to talk. You’re easy to talk to.” “But we’re talking all about me. Tell me something about you.” He chuckled. “Is this what you do? Deflect attention away from you back onto who you’re with? Make them the center of everything?” I thought about it for a second. That was exactly what I did in my relationships. It had never felt anything but normal before. “I think so. But I’ve talked about me and so now it’s your turn. It can’t just be all one way. It’s meant to be an exchange.” I grinned at him. “I walked straight into that one, didn’t I?” I nodded, smiling, and Blake smoothed his palm across my lower back. “I’m boring. There’s nothing much to talk about.” He brushed his thumb over my mouth and it was as if he were administering narcotics; my body sagged and my need for him grew. I caught his wrist before I lost all resistance. “Hey. If I can’t deflect than neither can you.” He groaned but pulled me tighter. “Don’t say I didn’t give you advance warning of how uninteresting this dilemma is.” I stayed quiet, not wanting to interrupt. “So I’m trying to decide on two job offers. One’s a promotion with the company I’m with in Oklahoma City. The other one . . .” He paused. “The other one is more of a risk. It would mean I’d have to move away from my family.” He ran his hands up and down my back and my skin tightened under his touch. “The second option is appealing because?” I asked. I’d been completely caught up in my drama and Blake was at just as much of a crossroads in his life as I was. How had I shared so much with him already and not known this about him? “Because I’ve always wanted to have the chance to really make a difference. This could be my opportunity. And I’d get to work for myself, with an investment from a big company. But I’ve worked hard in Oklahoma City. I deserve the promotion I’m being offered.” He shifted onto his back and stuck one hand behind his head, his other still stroking my back as I leaned over his chest. “And, I’d have to move back to where I went to college. And college wasn’t a happy time in my life.” “And the second option? It’s a now or never deal?” I asked, tracing my fingers up his thick, tight arms. “Yeah. I have a week to make up my mind.”

Here I was drowning in all my madness, oblivious that Blake had this huge life choice ahead of him. It summed up how different our interactions were compared to previous men in my life. I was so used to focusing on them and pushing myself to the background. It wasn’t usual for someone to want to know about me. Blake’s decision was huge—a choice between his old life or a new one. I kinda knew how that felt. “So you’ve come back to—” “Get some space, talk to Brianna, much good that did.” “What did Brianna say?” I asked, intrigued that she was giving advice to Blake as well as the paying guests. “She didn’t understand. She called me a chicken shit. It just descended into pre-pubescent madness.” “Chicken shit?” I laughed for the first time that day. “How come?” Blake pulled in a deep breath. “I don’t know. She thinks if I stay in Oklahoma City it’s because I’m scared, but I genuinely like it there. It’s not as easy as she says it is.” “So you’re happy in Oklahoma City, and this start-up would be better work but you don’t like the location?” Blake scrubbed his face. “Kinda. The start-up could let me really make a difference, but of course nothing is certain. It could be a big failure, but there’s an outside chance it could be exactly what I was put on this earth to do. But it feels like I’ve been asked to jump out of a plane without a parachute.” “Wow.” What was I here to do? I’d lost all sight of the big stuff because I’d been so focused on my plan. The things I wanted to do with my career had fallen by the wayside and really I’d been in a holding pattern for a couple of years—waiting to get married and have kids, I guess. “That’s big, Blake. Huge.” “Yeah, but so is being happy. As Bentley always says: there’s nothing wrong with Oklahoma.” “He’s your brother?” He nodded. “Yeah. He works on the ranch, loves it. Never quite got why it didn’t work for me.” “It’s difficult to understand people’s choices sometimes. Hell, most of the time I’m not sure I understand my own.” Blake chuckled and I pulled him closer. “You like being in Oklahoma though, even if it’s not Christie? You don’t want to move out of state?” “I don’t know anymore. Maybe I am scared. Growing up, I never imagined I’d be still living in Oklahoma. I expected to be off curing diseases, making people’s lives better though science.” “And you don’t do that in Oklahoma?” I asked. “Isn’t biochemistry the same wherever you’re doing it?” “Kinda, but the best brains, the best labs—they’re not in Oklahoma. I wanted to be doing cutting edge research, stuff that I was really passionate about.” He shook his head. “In Oklahoma, I’m a small cog in a very big wheel.” He paused and his gaze flicked in front of him as if a hundred different thoughts fought for his attention. “It’s still science. It’s good. It’s just . . .” It wasn’t enough. I knew that feeling. “How do you feel when you think about giving up the opportunity to make a difference and working for yourself?” I asked as I looked up at him. “Pretend you said no to the start-up. How do you feel in your gut? Your heart?” The light in his eyes faded and he just shook his head. “I can’t think about that.” I smoothed my finger across his jaw. “I think you have your answer. If you’re the kind of guy who

wants to make a difference, then you won’t be happy until you at least try.” I often made decisions by working out how I’d feel either way. When I contemplated the real possibility of getting back with Phil, I was pretty sure the light in my eyes faded just as Blake’s had when he thought of his dream disappearing. “Sorry, did I overstep?” I asked. Blake narrowed his eyes. “You’re really good at this.” “At what?” He shifted again so he was facing me, our limbs tangling together. “Making me feel better, putting me at the center of everything.” My cheeks heated. I wasn’t sure if he was giving me a compliment or telling me how manipulative I was being. “I told you; it’s not fake. I’m not deflecting from myself. I thought this was an exchange —” He put his finger over my lips. “Nothing about you is fake. That’s not what I was trying to say. Just that talking to you makes me feel good.” I sighed and let myself sink against him. “Talking to you makes me feel good, too.” It was true. The last thing I normally did with a man was whine on about how I was feeling. I knew it wasn’t what men wanted to hear. Sharing my feelings with Blake had been different, but the normal rules didn’t apply to him. I could be totally open, needy or not, because I knew there was no future for us. I’d never see him again after our trip. So it didn’t matter if I frightened him away—he was never destined to be mine. “You make me feel good in every way,” I whispered, sliding my hands around his back and over his ass. “Red,” he mumbled, pulling me closer to him. “If you touch me like that, I won’t be able to hold back.” “That’s okay. I don’t want you to hold back.” I wanted to feel his weight on top of me. His hands snaked down to my thighs. “You’ve had a tough day. You need—” “I want this. Want you.” I wasn’t sure I’d ever asked a man for sex simply because of my desire. Sex with Blake was never just because it would make him feel good. It always made me feel good too. “And you’re not saying that to make me feel—” I pressed my fingers over his lips this time. “It’s never like that with you. I can tell you what I want.” We had different rules out here in the wild. I didn’t have to be Boston Mackenzie. And that felt good. “You can. You always can,” he whispered against my neck. I started to unbutton his shirt. The scent of him—earth and skin scorched by the sun—washed over me. “I do.” I placed my palms on his hard chest. As if touching him gave me strength. He raised my chin with his thumb, forcing me to look at him, then dove to my mouth. What had started as slow and sensual was overtaken by need and lust. His tongue crashed against mine and then he pulled away, moved down the bed and grasped at my PJs. I lifted my top over my head and he groaned at the sight of my breasts. A rush of liquid reached my thighs. I’d always been self-conscious about my small chest, but Blake acted like I was made for him. It was as if confidence mixed with lust had been shot into my veins. He left my PJs halfway down my legs and palmed my breasts. His hands were large and rough and shocks of desire splintered through me as he kneaded my skin, his eyes fixated on what he was doing. I kicked off my pants and tried to reach for the buttons on his jeans. Even in the dim light, I could see the denim tight across his crotch. Impatient for the feel of him, I slid one hand down and found

him thick and hard. My breathing sped up. I knew what he could do to me. What he wanted to do to me. His hands knocked mine out of the way, and he undid his jeans. It was awkward and cramped on the bed, so he stood and stripped naked in a second. I couldn’t stop staring, his thick, erect cock pointing up against his tight, flat stomach that bled into that beautiful, defined chest. He didn’t look like a scientist. There was nothing geeky about his broad chest or his bronzed skin, tight across his muscles. There was nothing nerd-like about his thighs that I knew were capable of pinning me to a door, or his stare that could leave me breathless. As I met his eyes, he shook his head. “You like my body?” he asked. I nodded. “I do. I really do.” I reached out, wanting to touch him. “Was it in your pile of stones?” “Your body?” I squinted at him, not quite sure if I’d heard what he said correctly. “A man’s body. Something that makes you happy in a relationship.” It hadn’t been. But I didn’t have a physical type. I’d always thought it shallow to want someone physically. That was how men thought, but women had to be more . . . practical . . . Didn’t they? I shrugged. “You’re allowed to want, Red. You’re allowed to say that you like my body. That you like the way I make you come.” He took a step toward me so his knees were touching the edge of the bed. “Yes, but this is us, here, suspended in some kind of fantasy world. Real life doesn’t work like this.” “Real life works exactly like this. As you said, there’s nothing fake about you and there’s nothing fake about me.” He wasn’t getting it. “But a relationship can’t be all about what I want. It’s selfish.” He slipped a foil packet under the pillow and lay next to me, both of us totally naked. “It’s not an all-or-nothing situation. It’s about balance. Look at you with your friends. I’m pretty sure they didn’t come here for any reason other than you asked them to.” “Hmmm, more told than asked,” I confessed. “Exactly.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “And they want things from you at times. It’s give and take, isn’t it?” He made it sound so easy. “I guess.” Wasn’t it different when you were in a relationship, in a marriage? Weren’t you meant to put the other person first? “Why would it be any different between two people having sex?” he asked. He looped his leg over mine. “Remind me what two people having sex looks like again? I think I forgot,” I said, grinning at him. He shook his head and slid his hands over my ass and up to find my boobs. We’d veered from the one-night stand route and found ourselves on a different course. This wasn’t just about the relentless pursuit of lust. It was about more than that. We’d shared thoughts and aspirations. I’d told him things I’d never told anyone. It was intimate and personal and real. More real than I’d ever known. He trailed his fingers up my stomach, between my breasts, then down again. Abruptly, he stopped and scrubbed his hands over his face. “Fuck,” he said. What had happened? Why had he stopped? Did he not want me? Suddenly I felt self-conscious, too naked. I’d given too much away, shared too much. Instinctively, I crossed my arms over my chest, hiding my small boobs. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m impatient. I want all of you, to feel every part of you. I’m greedy, but at

the same time I need to savor you. I know our time here will be over soon, and I’m not sure I’ll have had my fill of you by then.” “Oh.” I relaxed. It hadn’t been what I’d expected to hear. In fact, it had been pretty much the opposite. When I was with a new man, I studied him carefully, working out what he responded to and what he didn’t, learning to emphasize the parts of me he seemed to like and damping down the ones he didn’t. With Blake, I’d done none of that because I’d not been looking past one night. He’d seen it all, right into the center of me. And he was still here. With me. I uncrossed my arms, my limbs and heart loosening as I reached for his chest. “We have all night. And we don’t have to sleep.” He closed his eyes as if savoring my touch and bent forward to kiss me. He trailed his tongue across the seam of my lips. “They’re idiots,” he mumbled against my skin as he began to kiss down my neck and over my breastbone. I threaded my hands through his hair. “What?” “All those men who never took the time to know you.” He took my nipple between his teeth, worrying the other between his thumb and forefinger. Blake’s fingers found my clit and I moaned at the contact. “Shhhh.” His mouth curled up at the edges as he grinned. It wasn’t that I’d always been a complete mute during sex, but I’d never had the sounds ripped out of me. With Blake, loud was all I could be. “I’m sorry. You know exactly what—” His fingers slid deeper. I was so wet I was sure his whole hand would be covered in me. He bent forward and licked and flicked my nipple with his tongue. I ran my fingernails down his back as he pushed his hard dick against my thigh. His hand dipped lower; his thumb pressed harder. I squirmed as pleasure flickered across my body and my orgasm approached quickly. But he clasped his hand over my belly, keeping me in place. “Just let me make you feel good.” I grabbed his face in my hands and pulled him to my lips. How could I tell him that I’d never felt so good? That no man had made me feel like he did? “I can read your body now. You’re close,” he said between kisses. My back arched. I needed his fingers deeper. I grappled for his other hand as I felt a scream gather in my stomach. I placed his palm over my mouth as I began to howl against his skin. My orgasm burst from me as if it had been bubbling under the surface, building and building until we were alone together and he could set it free. His fingers stilled and my body went limp, melting into the bed underneath me. I opened my eyes. “I love being able to do that to you.” “I love you being able to do that to me.” I reached behind my head, under the pillow, and pulled out the condom he’d placed there earlier. “You’re insatiable,” he said. Only with you. I was desperate to feel the weight of him. I needed to be reminded of the right now as intensely as I could. I wanted to block out the future, real life, and drown in this fantasy. I reached for him, enjoying the feeling of his velvety cock in my hands. His jaw tightened and his eyes hooded. He shifted, quickly covered himself with the condom and positioned himself above me. I pulled up my knees, eager to feel him.

“You’re so beautiful—raw and lovely,” he whispered as he pushed inside me. I’d never felt so exposed or so adored. Never thought the two could go together. I wrapped my arms and legs around him, one hand in his hair, the other pressed into the dip in his back. I wanted us to be as close as we could be. I mouthed his shoulder to muffle my cries. He stiffened. “I love to hear you. I want to get the chance to be with you when we can both let go,” he whispered into my ear. “Yes.” His palm swallowed my cry. Blake was like a magnetic field and whenever I was within his orbit, all my control vanished. With him, I was unable to be anyone except exactly who I was. It was terrifying because it felt so temporary, so easy to lose. But it was completely joyous. I couldn’t protect myself; I didn’t want to. Was this what addiction felt like? Blake wanted me. He’d seen me cry and wanted me. He’d seen me needy and wanted me. And I wanted him. Really wanted him. I’d never felt the physical draw to a man before Blake. Mentally, I ran through what I’d want on that list he mentioned. His size, his strength, his silent understanding. The way he didn’t feel the need to impress me, his honesty, his patience, his touch, his tongue, his cock. I wanted it all. And I could show him everything, lay it all out on display, because instead of making him run, it might keep him close. My lonely pile of stones grew and grew and grew. –––––––––– I woke up surrounded by the scent of wood and sex. Blake pulled me closer. We were facing each other, chest to chest, totally naked. I’d never slept nude with any of my boyfriends. I’d never found it comfortable, always too worried they’d wake in the night and my ass would be hanging out of bed or my boobs would be lopsided. I wasn’t sure why it was different with Blake, whether or not it was because it seemed he liked my body from every angle or whether it was just pointless dressing just to undress as we slept and woke, kissed and fucked all night. “I want to stay here all day,” he whispered, “but we need to go. We have thirty minutes before Brianna starts getting people up.” I snaked my arms around his waist. “Let’s escape. Feign illness. Go check into a hotel.” Blake chuckled. “It’s the last day for you. You don’t want to miss out.” “You’re right. I don’t.” I didn’t want to miss out on him. The rest of Christie I wasn’t so concerned about. Being with Blake was more of a lesson than I could have hoped for. But I had to face the reality of our final day of Love Rehab. I reached for his jaw, stroking the stubbled skin that had left its buzz all over my body, then pressed a kiss on his cheek next to my fingers. I had just twenty-four hours left. Saying good-bye to Blake was something inevitable, but not something I’d choose. Not now. Leaving felt like I was being robbed of something important, something fundamental. There were few people I was so unselfconscious with. And none of them were lovers. “You’re going to do the horse therapy thing again. You’ll have it nailed this time.” I groaned. Was he serious? That horse didn’t like me. And I couldn’t face another public shaming. It was exhausting being wrong all the time. I’d uncovered a lot about myself and my approach to men over the last few days, and I was determined to try to do things differently in the future, but if the

horse didn’t lift its leg again, it would all have been for nothing. “You’ll be good. Just be yourself.” “Everyone will be watching and judging.” I pulled the covers up, settling lower into the bed, decidedly not going anywhere. “Hey.” Blake took my chin between his thumb and forefinger. “You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself.” Easy for him to say. He didn’t have to stand up in front of everyone and possibly be called a liar. “You know when I said that I wasn’t scared of any of the activities yesterday morning?” “Uh-huh.” He bent his head to my neck and sucked, sending sparks of pleasure across my body. My thighs parted instinctively. “I think that’s because of you. I think you give me strength.” Blake pulled back, then propped his head on his palm. “I give you strength?” He narrowed his eyes, concentrating on me. I nodded. “Yeah. I think it’s the way you want me, the real me,” I said, sweeping my hand down my body. “A Mackenzie I don’t think I’ve ever shown anyone. You want her. And I think that gives me power.” It felt good, freeing. “You’re special, Mackenzie. I like that I’m the only one who’s had this version of you.” Blake clasped his hand at the back of my neck and pulled me toward him, pressing his lips to mine. “Shall we go to the lake tonight? After Jimmy’s.” “Sure. We’re going to Jimmy’s later?” I asked, sitting up. I found my T-shirt at the bottom of the bed and pulled it over my head. We really did need to get going. “Yeah. Tonight you’re back at the ranch, so you get a night at Jimmy’s before you fly home.” “Wow, alcohol, makeup and music.” I grinned. “I know it’s only been a few days, but all that stuff feels like a world away.” I’d enjoyed my time off the grid, hadn’t thought about my email or the life I’d left behind as much as I thought I would. I glanced over my shoulder at Blake. He looked up at me, rumpled and beautiful, and with eyes that looked at me as if he’d known me my whole life. I wanted to tell him I’d miss him. To suggest he visit me in Boston, or that I could come to Oklahoma City. But that wasn’t how this worked. I stood and dressed. A huge part of what made me different with Blake was that there was no future. He was my Munich. He was the journey and not the destination. Things would shift if it became more between us. This wasn’t real life. –––––––––– “Here we are, girls,” Brianna called out from under a tree. We’d moved farther into the woods, to just the other side of the clearing where we’d done the stones exercise the day before. “See these trees?” Brianna stretched her arms out wide. “They have a whole different perspective of the world being so high up there.” “Tell me we’re not climbing trees,” I whispered to Kennedy. “No, we’re not,” Brianna answered. Shit, she wasn’t supposed to have heard that. “Well, not exactly. You see this?” Brianna walked to the left and pointed behind the oak tree we were in front of. I’d been so focused on Brianna I’d not noticed the huge wooden structure standing between the trees. It looked a hundred feet tall. Maybe more. The sides were partially open and surrounded a pine staircase. I tipped my head back to see a viewing tower at the top. Were we going to be bird watching? If so, I was out. I wasn’t good with heights. “Oh wow, you see the zip line?” Kennedy pointed skyward, and between the leaves of the trees, I saw a thick metal wire attached to the roof of the viewing tower heading down into the clearing. “This

is going to be so much fun.” Blood started to pound in my ears. There was no way I was purposefully stepping off solid ground a hundred feet in the air. No way. No how. “We’ll all go up together, and I encourage you to take in the scenery and see the world from a different perspective. When we get up there, ask yourself if you were a stranger looking at your life, what would you see? What would be the good and the bad?” Brianna walked toward the bottom of the stairs. “I’m going to sit this one out,” I said. Brianna turned her head and I smiled, hoping she’d just say, “Okay, whatever you need.” But I had a feeling it wouldn’t be that easy. “I’ll be right here watching, and I don’t mind doing some contemplating. I just want my feet on solid ground.” “Y’all go on up. My little brother Bentley’s up there and will help you get strapped in to the safety gear,” she said to the others as she changed direction and headed straight for me. “Stay away from the edge, mind.” I stayed rooted to the spot as I clasped my hands together. “Hey,” she said as she sat on the grass in front of me. “Take a load off.” “I’m sorry. I’m just not good with heights, I—” “Oklahoma not what you thought it would be?” I sat. I’d expected her to tell me the tower wasn’t that high or the view from the top was beautiful. I wasn’t expecting a general chat. “Not exactly,” I confessed, pulling a few blades of grass from the ground. Blake aside, it hadn’t been what I’d been hoping for at all. “You expected I had some kinda magic potion I was gonna give y’all and you’d be cured. You’d suddenly have the love life you deserved?” She snapped her fingers. “Just like that.” Well, yeah, kinda. “No. It’s just—” “I hate to say it but I’ve got news for you, you do have the kinda love life you deserve.” Her comment was a little uncalled for, and given all the stones she’d seen in my pile the day before, a little misguided. I was a catch, a good girlfriend. I’d been engaged three times. I must be getting something right. “We all do,” she continued. “The thing is, I think you can see it in your friends. You understand the patterns in Rose’s behavior that make her miserable, but you’re not quite seeing it in yourself.” Heavy footsteps clunked up the tower, drowning out the sounds of the birds. “I’ve not learned nothing.” I thought back to my conversation with Blake last night. “I know I should think more about what I want in a relationship rather than concentrate on being who the other person wants me to be.” Being with Blake had let me glimpse a world where I was allowed to want things in a man, where I was just me and someone was happy with that. The problem was, just like I said to him, I wasn’t sure how realistic that was. Who I was with Blake wasn’t real life. “Yes, but I need you to take it a step further. You have to understand you’re not going to be right for every man out there.” “Well of course not.” Brianna raised her eyebrows as if she thought I didn’t believe her. “There are going to be plenty of men who don’t want you when you’re just yourself.” Although she was making perfect sense, her words were like nails down a chalkboard. I closed my eyes. “That’s okay, Mackenzie, because when you let all those other guys go, it’ll be easier to see the others that are right. The men that can make you happy. And then things can be different. You’ll not need to try so hard to be what they want. And you’ll be able to stop worrying that if you’re not

perfect, they’ll leave you.” “I know I’m not perfect. Far from it.” I could only strive to be better. I thought Love Rehab was going to help me improve. “Do you want a man who wants the woman you’re pretending to be, rather than the real Mackenzie?” Voices chattered in my head—Phil telling me he didn’t know me. Kennedy saying I never considered whether or not I actually liked the men I was with as long as they liked me. Blake telling me that it was okay for me to ask for what I wanted. Blake wanting me even though I’d been needy and upset, dirty and in need of a blowout. Blake making me come like it was his job. I thought back to my broken engagements. I couldn’t see myself married to those men. Was that because I’d not been myself? My eyes started to fill. Everything was such a mess. I just wanted to escape, climb into someone else’s life. “Don’t be sad.” Brianna patted me on the knee. “This is good. Now that you’re aware, you can change things. You learned this behavior decades ago; it’s deeply embedded. Sometimes it takes a while to see it.” “Decades ago? I didn’t start dating until I was in college. Not really.” “What about your father? Was he around much?” I took a breath, understanding that what I was about to say had meaning I didn’t yet get. “He left. When I was little.” Brianna didn’t respond. “I watched from the top of the stairs. I saw my mother beg him to stay, to promise to be better. He left anyway. And I never saw him again.” “And there’s nothing you can do to bring him back,” Brianna said. “It was his choice to go. You can’t force anyone to stay.” My stomach twisted in realization and I closed my eyes. I was trying to be the girl that men didn’t leave, that my father didn’t abandon. All this time, I’d been trying to bring him back. My throat grew tight and tears formed in the corners of my eyes. Adrenaline surged through me as the pieces fit together. It all made perfect sense. “Fuck this.” I stood up. “I was just a kid. Me wearing a pretty dress or smiling more wasn’t going to keep him from leaving.” “Is that what you thought?” Brianna asked, standing. “Maybe. Yes.” Although as an adult I knew it wasn’t really my lack of smiles that drove him away, a part of me felt responsible for him going—that I should have been able to do something. But how could I have been? I’d been a child. “Him leaving wasn’t about you.” “I know,” I replied. “Do you?” she asked. “Children often end up paying their parents’ debts. And that’s just not fair,” Brianna said. “Because kids are kids. But now you’re a beautiful grown woman. You get to choose. You can stay at the top of the stairs hoping he comes back, or you can know you’re worth more and get on with your life.” It wasn’t my fault. My dad leaving was about him. It probably wasn’t even about my mother, or why had he not kept in touch with me? It was as though I’d been set free. I took a deep breath and instantly felt lighter. Warmth flowed through my limbs and power

bounced around my body like a pin ball. I felt invincible. “I wanna try that,” I said, pointing at the tower as I started to pace toward it. Brianna followed. “It’s not dangerous, right?” “No, you’ll have a safety line and a helmet.” I glanced at the staircase and then back at Brianna, who smiled. “And hey, sometimes a risk is worth taking, right? The view’s amazing.” “Well, hey, I’m ready for a change in perspective.” And I was ready to take a risk.

Blake Last night had been intense. Mackenzie and I were only supposed to be a fling. A great distraction while I figured out whether I was staying in Oklahoma or putting my whole life on red and spinning the wheel. But every time I sank into her warm, soft body, all I could focus on was the next time I’d see her, the next time I’d be with her. I’d thought hot, casual sex would provide clarity so I could make a decision about my career. Instead it had thrown me for a loop. The last thing I needed right now was a complicated . . . relationship. I had to find some space away from the campsite to get my head on straight, so I’d come back to the ranch house. I stomped dirt and hay from my boots outside the back door. “Hey,” I called as I opened the screen door and stepped inside. The smell of my childhood—and my mother ’s bread—welcomed me back. “In here, son,” my mom called. “We’ve got a guest.” As I headed down the corridor, my mother stood at the big, old-fashioned stove. It was a view I’d taken in a thousand times. The kitchen was where we’d all congregated as kids, because that’s where Mom was, which meant guaranteed food and hugs. “Hey.” I kissed my mom on her soft cheek, though she didn’t stop stirring whatever was occupying her on the stove. “Hey, Blake,” a familiar voice came from behind me. I turned around to see Mary, my high-school sweetheart, sitting at our big oak kitchen table, surrounded by mismatched chairs. She beamed at me and opened her arms as she stood. I bent and pulled her into a hug. “It’s so good to see you back in Christie.” “It’s good to be back.” I held Mary at arm’s length and looked her over. Still beautiful in that AllAmerican, girl-next-door sort of way, and exactly the kind of woman I’d always assumed I’d end up with. “Yup, you look good.” “Well, of course I do. It’s all this clean air. You should come home and experience it more often,” Mary teased, the scent of her—something a little too strong—lingering when she moved away. “So, tell me about your love life.” I shrugged. “Nothing much to report.” “Oh, that’s too bad. You need a nice country girl.” If a nice country girl was what I needed, then Mary would have fit the bill and we’d have made it work. Mary was as sweet as iced tea but she wasn’t who I needed. Who I had to be with as I’d described to Brianna. “Can I set you up with anyone? What’s your type these days?” Mary asked. My mother placed a bowl of peas in front of Mary and, without being asked, she began to crack open the pods. I chuckled. I’d never needed help to find girls. Fitting a girlfriend into my life had always been the difficult part, and usually the reason things didn’t last. I worked a lot, and I liked it that way. Until I found someone who held my interest more than the lab, it was probably how it would always be. Mary was everything I thought I was supposed to want. She was Oklahoma and old friends and

easy smiles. She just wasn’t vibrant. With Mary, everything was familiar; there was nothing new to discover, no exciting adventure to take. And so different to Mackenzie. “Now, now. Don’t be nagging at my son,” my mother said, knocking her wooden spoon against the side of the pot and then putting the lid on top. “You have a husband for that. We’re just happy to have Blake back with us for a short while.” I bent and kissed my mom on the top of her head. I loved how she was still protective of me, even now that I was fully grown. “There’s some lemonade in the fridge,” she said. I reached into the cupboard for my own glass, then retrieved the lemonade from the refrigerator and refilled everyone’s cup before pouring a drink for myself. “So I hear you’ve been helping Brianna out with her broken-hearts retreat,” Mary said. Her tone was a little disparaging. Brianna was doing amazing work with people who wanted a better future. It was nothing but a good thing. “Yeah, not much for me to do. Brianna’s made a great camp up there.” “How are the city girls coping with the Oklahoma outdoors?” Flashes of Mackenzie writhing under me, my hand over her mouth, her fingers clamped around my cock, flashed through my brain. “Blake!” My mother grabbed my hand, stopping the overflow of lemonade into her glass. “Sorry.” I took a cloth from the sink and wiped up the spill. “Oh, they’re coping just fine. Big John came last night.” “It’s amazing what these girls will pay for,” Mary said. I looked at Mary, trying to stop the corners of my mouth from twitching. “Oh, I think we’ve all paid handsomely for Big John’s talents at one time or another.” She’d drunkenly confessed at her wedding that she’d gone to see John, hoping she could arrange for me to flunk out of Harvard. As it turned out, I’d left of my own accord, but Mary and I hadn’t reconciled as she’d hoped. “All I’m saying is that he doesn’t always get it right.” Mackenzie would agree. I’d witnessed her frustration at John’s prediction for her. “Or maybe he does,” I replied. After all, Mary and I splitting up had been best for both of us in the long run. Leaving Oklahoma hadn’t been a difficult decision the first time around. So why was it so hard now? Brianna had been right when she said I was used to over-reaching and that I wanted to help people, so it should be easy to commit to moving. When Mackenzie had said that giving up the offer from ARK would be giving up on a part of myself, she’d totally called it, so why was I still unsure? “Any plans to come back home on a more permanent basis?” Mary asked, glancing up from her task. There was that word again. Home. “Christie’s too small for Blake,” my mom said, squeezing my hand. “He was always destined to go out into the wider world and be something special.” The wider world? I was still in state. Was it possible that I was so paralyzed by my failure at Harvard that I wasn’t doing what I was meant to do with my life? Mom never pushed any of us so long as we were happy. She knew us pretty well; did she think I’d be happier if I reached higher? I knocked back my lemonade and stood up. “Are these the lunches?” I pointed at some bags on the countertops. “They will be in about twenty minutes. I’ve been waiting for the bread to cool.”

“Okay, I’ll be back. I’m gonna head out and help Barrett.” I kissed them both on the head and left. Seeing Mary wasn’t as easy as it normally was. Perhaps it was because I’d been sleeping with Mackenzie, who was clearly a city girl, right here in Oklahoma. It was as if I were watching my two worlds collide. Mackenzie versus Mary—the warm up to the big game of Boston versus Oklahoma. Mary, and everything she represented, I knew inside out. She was comfortable. But Mackenzie was the promise of something that could blow my world apart—for better or for worse, I just didn’t know. Boston equaled uncertainty. Oklahoma, consistency. I headed into the barn to find Barrett. Or answers. Or silence. “Hey, what’s up?” Barrett asked, stepping out of the stables as the back door screen slammed shut. “You look like you don’t know whether to wind your ass or scratch your watch.” I nodded. That pretty much summed up my mood. “Give me a hand here, will you?” Barrett asked. He was loading hay bales into the back of his truck. We silently began to work. Snapshots of Mackenzie pushed into my brain. Her naked, rounded ass, poised and waiting for me. Her skin reddening with my teeth marks. The incredulity on her face when I made her come. She was an incredible fuck. Perhaps the best I’d ever had. And last night, talking with her, things had shifted between us. It hadn’t just been about fucking. It had been more. It had been connection. It had felt as if we had just begun—that there was so much more that I was yet to experience with her. Red was the kind of girl you skipped work to spend the day in bed with. But listening to her, I wasn’t sure the guarded, people-pleasing girl Mackenzie was in her real life was someone I’d be interested in. With me, she was different. But would it last? I liked Mackenzie’s flaws. I didn’t want a woman who hid herself from me. The good and the bad, I wanted it all. Underneath a beauty so powerful it almost hurt to look at her, she was a little lost, a little confused. She didn’t know what she wanted in her future. She saw insecurity, imperfection. But I saw fight. I saw the passion to do something good. And that’s what made her so special. Perhaps we weren’t so different. –––––––––– I’d expected the girls to be waiting like ravenous animals around the fire when I got back to camp with the lunches, but from the shrieks coming through the trees, it sounded like they were on their way and I’d timed things perfectly. “Just in time, brother. I could eat a cow,” Brianna shouted across the camp as she and the other girls emerged from the tree line. I waved and held up the lunches. Mackenzie bounced toward camp, full of life and energy. Her cheeks were rosy, her eyes clear— not a hint of the lack of sleep she’d endured over the past few nights. She stooped to tie her shoe, leaving the other girls to go ahead of her, and lifted her chin at me, indicating the log pile. I nodded. I wasn’t going to pass up on a chance to touch my beautiful girl. “I’m just going to get a few more logs,” I told Brianna as I dropped the lunches off. I found Mackenzie leaning against the back of the shed. She glanced over her shoulder. “Hey.” “Hey yourself,” I said, unable to take my eyes off her. “You been having fun?” She nodded and pulled at my shirt, bringing us closer. “So you know how you thought that I wasn’t used to asking for what I wanted from guys?”

I smoothed my hand up her arm and traced her jawline with my knuckle. “Yeah.” “Well, would now be a good time to practice?” she asked, her voice so quiet I could barely hear her. “Sure.” I wasn’t quite sure where she was headed with this. Did she want to try something kinky tonight? When she looked up, I couldn’t stop myself from stroking the freckles that ran across her nose. “I’d really like you to kiss me.” My grin spread wide across my face. It was such a small request, but she was clearly breaking new ground. This was a big deal for her. “I can’t think of anything I’d like to do more.” I held her face in my hands, then rubbed my nose against hers before dropping a small kiss on the side of her lips. The pulse at her neck fluttered beneath my fingers, frantic from my touch. I pulled back and dropped my hands to her hips, then slid my palms over her ass, bringing her closer, letting her feel my hardening cock. I took her bottom lip between my teeth, as her hands smoothed into my hair, groaning. I couldn’t be near her without being desperate to kiss her. And I couldn’t kiss this girl without needing to fuck her. I pressed her against the shed, pushing my tongue through her lips, circling and dipping, smoothing my hands around her waist and up to her firm, high tits. She ground her hips against me, riding the ridge of my cock through her clothes. I fumbled at her zipper and thrust my hands down her panties. Jesus, she was wet. “You been thinking about me all morning?” I asked. “Yes,” she breathed into my neck. “Can you feel what I want? Do I need to ask you?” Fuck, this girl got me hard in a split second. I was back to being fifteen and desperate to get to third base with a tree if it said yes. “Ask. I’ll do anything.” It was true. At that moment, I’d have moved to China if she’d asked me. Her breaths were stuttered, her hands pushing through my hair. “Ask,” I said again and I pulled back slightly to look at her. She worried her lip between her teeth. “I . . .I want you to taste me.” “Here?” I trailed my fingers down her slit, half-crazed by her warmth, her stickiness. I pressed my tongue against hers, wanting her to know what she did to me. Without waiting for an answer, I broke away from her and sank to my knees. I didn’t care that we were yards away from a bunch of people who could interrupt us at any second. This girl, my girl, was asking me for something. And it would be my honor. I pulled down her jeans and underwear, and dove toward her, impatient to savor her, to have my tongue wet with her. Her knees buckled slightly, and I pressed her hips against the shed. Her hands threaded through my hair, urging me on, though I didn’t need the encouragement. She was sweet and slippery and I couldn’t get enough. I wanted to give her everything she asked for. She moaned as I sucked gently on her clit. She tilted her hips toward me, and as I increased the pressure, her legs began to shake. Every drop of blood raced to my cock. Making her tremble was a complete power trip. I bet my life that she’d never asked any man to go down on her. She’d saved that for me. “Blake.” My sister ’s voice penetrated the booming in my ears, but I couldn’t pull my hands, mouth or mind from Mackenzie. “Blake,” Brianna called again.

Mackenzie pushed at my shoulders. “Blake, stop.” Her words broke the trance I was in. I pulled away, my breaths short and heavy, and I struggled to my feet. “We have to go,” she whispered. “I don’t want to go anywhere,” I growled into her neck. “Me either,” she replied, stroking my chest. “But tonight . . .” We had just one evening before she flew home. One night. I hoped she didn’t need any sleep. I forced myself to stop touching her and moved away. I needed distance if my hard-on had any hope of going down. “Blake!” Brianna called again. “Coming!” I shouted. “Or not,” Red said with a laugh. I groaned, wiped my mouth on the back of my hand. Then, clasping my free arm around the back of her neck, I placed a kiss on her forehead. “I’ll see you tonight.” I grabbed a few logs and headed back to camp. “What took you so long?” Brianna asked. I cleared my throat. “Some of the wood had fallen out of the pile, so I rearranged a few things.” “Did you get the forks? I couldn’t find them.” I stacked the logs on the others, then returned to the box of lunches I’d brought from the house. “Here.” I handed the cutlery to Brianna. “Oh, thanks. You okay?” I nodded, but tried to avoid my sister ’s eyes. My heart was still beating out of my chest, and all I wanted was to drag Mackenzie away, take her to some hotel with walls as thick as Fort Knox and fuck her until I was wrung out and she couldn’t walk. I liked the fact she never asked for what she wanted from any man but me. And I wanted more of her, the version of Mackenzie who was only for me. “So, girls, while we’re having lunch I’d like to hear your thoughts on this morning. Let’s go around the group and talk about what you liked, what you didn’t like and what you learned,” Brianna said as Mackenzie slipped back among her friends, shooting me a sideways glance. Rose raised her hand. I chuckled. She looked like a school girl. “Getting up to the platform for the zip wire was horrifying. I know it’s a sturdy staircase, but I’m not a great fan of heights. But I did it. And then when I looked down, there was no way I was going to throw myself off it willingly. But as I watched the other girls do it, I gained strength from them.” Mackenzie put her arm around Rose. “And I did it—and I still can’t believe it. Feeling so scared and then taking a chance? I feel as if I could do anything now. Like I’m breaking out of my skin like some kind of mutant superhero.” “You had me until you said mutant superhero,” Kennedy said. Rose elbowed her in the ribs. “I never thought I was a girl who could do something like that.” “And can you apply that to your relationships?” Brianna asked. “I don’t know if it will last when we get back to Boston, but right now I feel like any man would be lucky to have me.” When she gets back to Boston? I tried to think back to the conversations I’d had with Red. Had she told me where she lived? We’d talked about her growing up and how long she’d known Rose and Kennedy, but I couldn’t remember her telling me where she was from. Was it possible that the three of them came from Boston?

My Boston? Was the world really that small? Anxiety gripped me as thoughts turned upside down in my head, and I tried to hold back the images of me and Mackenzie strolling across the Common. No. That was not what this was. Boston or not, Christie was the beginning and end of us. Red and I were a distraction to each other. Like she’d said, this wasn’t real life. I liked the woman sitting across the fire from me, no makeup, laughing, wanting me and not afraid to say so. But I was sure that Mackenzie in Boston wasn’t Mackenzie in Christie. And if I went to Boston? I certainly wouldn’t be less consumed with work than I was in Oklahoma City. Whether I stayed or moved, I didn’t need the extra complication of a girlfriend. And she wasn’t asking for anything from me. I added some more logs onto the fire as the girls continued to share lessons about their morning in between mouthfuls of lunch, talking over each other like old friends do. “Anyone else?” Brianna asked. “I’ll go,” Red said, and I had to fight back my smile just at the sound of her voice. Fuck, what was she doing to me? “I feel changed. I see things now that weren’t clear to me before. It’s like I had this old map I’d been following for my whole life, but now, suddenly, someone’s told me that there was a mix up and I should have had a different one all along.” Her ponytail bobbed as she spoke, revealing that beautiful, long neck that was just begging to have my teeth on it. “Now it’s as if I’ve been shown an easier way of getting where I want to be—to who I want to be. The zip line was a symbol of that, I think. It showed me that just because you’ve never done something, and just because you might be a little scared, it doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t go for it.” “And do you think that translates into your relationships?” Brianna asked. “I think it applies to my whole life. When I get home . . .” Mackenzie stopped mid-sentence, pulling her eyebrows together as if she were concentrating, and I saw a blush creep across her cheeks. “I can’t be afraid of who I am. I need to believe it’s okay to ask for what I want—once I’ve worked out what that is.” I’d give her a gold star for putting that plan into action about ten minutes ago behind the wood pile. “Good for you, Mackenzie,” Brianna said. “What about everyone else? Do y’all think you’ll have more confidence to ask for what you want and show what you can offer?” Mackenzie’s wide eyes and soft smile made her look more relaxed than I’d ever seen her. It was as if she was starting to look at home. That word again. Home. Christie really was full of very happy memories for me. And this trip back would be no different. I took a deep breath. So much of this visit had been about the girl sitting across from me. How had that happened? She’d been the distraction I was hoping for when I first saw her ass in Jimmy’s, but she’d been more than that. She’d turned this trip into something I wasn’t expecting, into an experience where a stranger became a friend, where a hook-up became something much more special. The knot in my stomach told me that as much as I didn’t want complicated, I wasn’t going to want to give her up when she left. She’d created some sort of need in me, and whether or not I went to Boston, I had to know if there was anything between us beyond Christie, Oklahoma.

Mackenzie As the ranch came into view from the other side of the lake, Ann began to whoop. Turned out that all this time we’d been within a few hundred yards of where we’d started. I glanced around at our group as we crossed the drive. We were slightly rumpled and sported the odd mud stain, and we lacked the gloss we’d had on arrival, but we’d gained something in return. Somewhere along the way, Kennedy had thrown her heart into the trip, and she wore her khaki shorts and walking boots as though she was leading our group. She always looked good, but her eyes were a little brighter, her smile wide and genuine. The bags that ordinarily gathered beneath Rose’s eyes had totally gone, her shoulders sat lower and the crease between her eyebrows had all but disappeared. Oklahoma had worked its magic in some ways after all. But doubts began to gather. Tomorrow we were going home. How long would the magic last? Could I translate what I’d learned into real life? Okay, I knew the theory now. I understood that I needed to be more open with men, to ask for what I wanted. I got that maybe I hadn’t been focused on whether I liked a guy, and that I’d been too concerned with how I got him to like me. And to some extent, I’d put some of the stuff I’d learned into practice with Blake. But that was here, under the Oklahoma stars. Would the being-me bit, the askingfor-what-I-wanted stuff work back in Boston, back in the reality of being single—no boyfriend, no fiancé, no prospect of children in my future? What did my life look like without all that? I’d left Boston on a search for a cure. I guess I thought that I’d come back fixed and somehow it would be next stop happily ever after. Okay, I could accept that wasn’t about to happen, but what was? There was no certainty. Brianna led us to the corral where we’d come on our first morning. Squinting in the bright sun, she said, “Girls, we’re getting a visit from our friend Lady Luck again.” I smiled, grateful Blake had prepared me. I really wanted to lift this horse’s leg. I needed to have learned something here in Christie. I couldn’t go back to Boston empty-handed. Kennedy poked me. “Are you ready to be honest with yourself?” I shrugged. I’d never considered that I wasn’t. So I wasn’t sure if anything had changed. If I did lift the leg, did that mean life back in Boston would be peachy? Every time the reality of life in Boston crept into my mind, we were off to do another task or Blake was getting me naked. Could I do real life? I needed Brianna on speed dial to help me navigate the everyday. I glanced at Blake, who looked lost in his own thoughts. “I know I’m being sent this tall and unusual man, but I think I might call Josh,” Kennedy said. “Even if it’s just to apologize for the way things ended. What do you think?” I looked straight ahead to avoid Kennedy’s gaze. “We were friends a long time before I messed things up by kissing him,” Kennedy said. I patted her back. “I think that would be good. But you need to prepare yourself. Josh might not be . . . receptive.” Kennedy had really hurt him. “He might want to punch you in the face,” Rose said. “I would.” “Well, hopefully it’ll never come to that. I’m going to call him. He was a good friend for a long

time. Maybe I should email him. That’s less intrusive.” “And the consequences are potentially less . . . physical,” Rose said and laughed. The three of us took off our backpacks and arranged ourselves on the wooden log benches as we had the first day. I sheltered my eyes from the sun with both hands. “Josh would never hurt me, physically. Or . . . at all,” Kennedy admitted. Rose and I had been devastated she’d cut Josh out of her life when they’d slept together after years of being friends. “I just don’t want you to be disappointed the first time you make yourself vulnerable to a guy,” Rose said. Kennedy was clearly trying to right some wrongs that she’d been thinking about while she was here in Oklahoma. Putting the things we’d learned into practice was going to be tough. I didn’t know where to start, so Kennedy was ahead of me. “Which one of my exes do you think the shaman was talking about?” I asked, wondering again if he’d meant Phil. Five days ago, a reconciliation would have been such a relief. Now the thought tugged at my stomach. Maybe that wasn’t how my life had to be. But what was the alternative? Spinsterhood? My plan didn’t account for a future without a wedding and kids. The silence that met my question expanded my disappointment. I sighed. Kennedy patted me on the leg, trying to offer me a little comfort. “Maybe it’s not an ex.” Rose smiled at me, ever hopeful. “The shaman said it was,” Kennedy said. Three days ago she wouldn’t have even been able to say the word “shaman” without collapsing into hysterical giggles. Now, Kennedy was ready to accept Big John’s predictions. “He said it was someone you already knew. What if it isn’t an ex?” Rose suggested. Would it be possible to have any man in real life love me if I was just myself, rather than a carefully honed version of who they might like? I glanced over my shoulder at Blake. I needed someone like Blake. In Boston. “What do you mean?” “Maybe it’s someone you know but haven’t dated,” Rose said. “Like a colleague or someone?” I asked. “Or someone you sit next to on the subway regularly. Or a guy who works in the same building. The shaman wasn’t specific. He didn’t say you’d dated him, or even spoken to him.” Rose often didn’t make sense, but her words gave me hope. Maybe I wasn’t destined to go backward. I wanted someone to see the whole me, and to want me anyway—just like Blake had. Even though Blake and I’d existed in suspended animation, it still felt weird discussing my next relationship. Blake was just a few feet away. He might even hear what we were saying. Would me talking about other guys bother him? Blake and I had established clear boundaries with each other, but for some reason thinking about my future and a different man, felt disloyal. Oklahoma Mackenzie belonged to Blake. “Maybe I just need a time out.” My talk with Brianna had brought a lot of things into focus for me. I didn’t know how to interact with men if I wasn’t trying to make them happy. I didn’t want to fall into old patterns as soon as I got back to Boston. But I just didn’t know what new Mackenzie looked like outside of Blake. It wasn’t like I could just wave a magic wand and focus on who I was rather than who I should be. It couldn’t be that easy. “I can’t believe we’ve been a few yards from the fucking ranch all this time. I thought we were out in the wilderness,” Kennedy said as she stretched out her legs and crossed her arms. “You were out in the wilderness,” Brianna said as she came into the pen carrying a hay bale, which she dumped next to us. “Just goes to show that you can change your life in just a few steps.”

I expected a scowl from Kennedy, instead she beamed at Brianna. Had we really all changed our lives, our reality? Was that possible? Or would we just sink back into old habits as soon as we stepped onto the plane? My palms were slightly sweaty as I glanced to my right, looking for Lady Luck. Blake passed by, looking at me as he swept his hand over my shoulder in a silent You got this. I wanted to grab him, kiss him, feel his hands spread over my back in the way he did that made me feel so protected. The metal gate of the paddock clanked, pulling me out of my fantasy. Lady looked huge. Like, much bigger than before. Was that possible? “You’ll be fine,” Rose said quietly. “How are you?” Robert asked, tipping his hat. “Had a good time?” Kennedy let out a yeehaw and we all laughed. “So today, you’re going to tell Lady Luck your truth again. Don’t be afraid if it’s changed. Lady understands that reality changes all the time. The important thing is to never stop learning about yourselves. Never believe you can’t turn your life around. The power is all in here.” Robert jabbed at his chest. “You have total authority over your own decisions. Use it wisely. So who’s up first?” Part of me wanted to be the first to go–I was desperate for proof things had shifted—but the other part of me wanted to wait, let the others go first. What if I failed again? What would that mean? Before I could make up my mind, Kennedy bounced from her seat with a lot more enthusiasm than she had the first time we were all here. “Good to see you, Lady Luck,” she said, patting the horse on her back. I snuck a peek at Blake, who’d done for me just as much as any zip line, pile of stones or silent trek could. I wondered if he knew how much he’d helped me understand myself during this trip. “So, Lady, what we talked about last time was all true—I still love sex—but I think maybe I’ve been quick to assume that anything more would hold me back. Now I’m open to the idea that it’s possible for me to let someone in without giving up my power, and that the right someone could actually help me become more. Which is kinda terrifying—that I’d have to rely on someone else, need another person. But maybe it’d be worth it. For the right guy.” Kennedy had such a strong sense of who she was and where she wanted to go, so of course she wouldn’t want to be with someone who might dilute that. But that she understood now that not every man would do that made my heart swell. Kennedy had been open to what Love Rehab could teach her in a way I’d never expected, and Lady Luck apparently agreed, lifting her leg as if she and Kennedy were old friends. Next up was Rose, and she explained how the piles of stones helped her understand that she didn’t feel she had enough to offer and that perhaps she chose men who reinforced that view of herself. Lady Luck agreed. Rose had done it. So far, Love Rehab was two for two. I wiped my palms down my jeans as I stood for my turn and walked slowly across toward Robert. I patted Lady Luck, hoping that this time, she’d be lifting her leg like a ballerina. “I’ve learned a lot these past few days,” I said, clasping my hands in front of me and staring at the ground. “I want to thank you for that.” I didn’t dare look at him, but I hoped Blake knew I was talking to him. “With your help, I’ve come to understand that I’m not addicted to love, I’m addicted to making men fall in love with me.” Saying it out loud felt like dropping a glass, shattering something old I didn’t want anymore. Hopefully, I’d never be tempted to piece it back together again. Hopefully. I continued, “My breakups have really only ever been a result of the realization that we were never in love in the first place.”

Phil had been right when he’d said that he didn’t really know me. I hadn’t ever given him the chance. I stroked Lady’s mane. “I need to learn that it’s okay to ask for what I want in a relationship.” Asking Blake to kiss me, to taste me, had felt good, but I still couldn’t picture it happening with someone else. “If I can’t say ‘this is what I want, this is what’s important to me’, how will I know if a guy can make me happy? How can anyone fall in love with me if I’m not honest, if I don’t show them the real Mackenzie?” I glanced across at Blake, who shot me a grin, turbocharging my confidence. He was the only man who had ever seen the real Mackenzie. I’d followed in my mother ’s footsteps. She’d crafted herself into a woman my step-dad would fall in love with, done everything to please him. It had been a matter of survival for us. Without him, we’d have had no home, no security. My mother had done what she felt she needed to do. But I wasn’t my mother. I made my own money. We lived in different times. I wanted to relax, unburden myself and just be me. “I’ve learned that it’s okay to be myself, and it’s okay if some men don’t like that. Because the man I’m meant to be with will.” Blake nodded toward Lady Luck, and I took a deep breath and smoothed my hand down her leg. This was it, the moment of truth. The moment that Lady assessed my honesty. My heart was beating out of my chest. I pulled very gently, waiting for Lady to move. When she didn’t, I tightened my grip and pulled harder. “Come on, Lady,” I whispered under my breath. I had been completely honest. Nothing. She stood still, all four hooves planted squarely on the ground. Fuck. Tears of frustration and shame filled my eyes and spilled over as I let go of the horse’s leg. Why was I the one who failed at this? I covered my face with my hands, turning away from everyone. I couldn’t bear it. I’d tried so hard on this trip and yet here I was, back at square one. No future, no answers. All that was clear to me was that I got everything wrong no matter how hard I tried. A sob gathered in my stomach and began to rise. It was so humiliating to be called out as such a failure in front of everyone, in front of Blake. What must he think? Probably that he’d been sleeping with some crazy, lying bitch all week. But I hadn’t lied. And never to Blake. Not ever. I’d only been my complete self. What else could I give? It was hopeless. I should just go home, get back to my life, and pretend I’d never come here. Anything to push down this huge black feeling that I’d never be good enough no matter what I did. I just needed some space. To hide. To be alone and wallow in my thoughts and desperation. My ass hit the ground, my hands still covering my face as I gave up and let myself sob. I cried for all the years I’d wasted trying to be something I could never be—perfect. I cried because I’d never had a father, because nothing I did escaped my mother ’s criticism. I sobbed because the only man who’d ever really known me, ever thought to scratch below the surface, was a guy I’d only met five days ago and would never see again. A warm hand smoothed across my back. I just wanted to be alone, to forget that I had an audience. I shook my head but couldn’t speak. I couldn’t tell whoever it was to go away because the sobs were coming thick and fast. “It’s okay to cry, Mackenzie,” Brianna said from beside me.

I couldn’t have stopped if I’d wanted to. A dam had burst within me. “Why?” I managed to spit out. “I’ve done everything.” Why couldn’t that fucking horse have lifted her shitty leg? “Don’t let this take away from all the amazing progress you’ve made.” “Are you kidding me?” I yelled. My throat was tight with fury. “That horse told me I wasn’t any better than when I started here.” “That’s not what happened,” Brianna said, her voice calm, but sure. I pulled my hands from my face and narrowed my eyes, my tears halted for a moment. “Was I hallucinating when I didn’t raise her leg?” I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hands. “I’m exactly where I was when I started.” “You know that’s not true, Mackenzie.” “Then tell that to the horse,” I shouted, pointing over Brianna’s shoulder at an empty space. Where had everyone gone? Thank heavens for small mercies, we were the only two still outside. No doubt Blake had run as fast and as far away as possible. “Lady wasn’t telling you that you hadn’t learned anything. Think about it—you’re good at being logical. You know you’ve uncovered all these behaviors that weren’t helping you be happy. When you arrived here, you had no clue why your life wasn’t working.” “Well apparently I still don’t.” I folded my arms, my face sticky and hot. Brianna scooted around until she sat in front of me. “Talk to me. What do you think you’ve learned here?” I huffed out a breath. “That I’m a people pleaser. Especially with men. That I’m focused on getting married rather than finding the right guy. That my plan is more important than being happy.” I lifted my gaze to meet Brianna’s eye. “But so what?” I shrugged petulantly. “Now I know, but it doesn’t make me happier. It doesn’t mean I know how to be anything else. I can’t suddenly become a new person.” “And is that what you were thinking about before you went over to Lady?” I frowned. “What do you mean?” “Were you worried what it would be like to go home with all these revelations? Concerned how you would put them into practice?” I thrust my fingers into my hair. “Of course. I don’t know how to be any other way.” “Well that would explain things. Lady will have picked up on your nerves and your lack of confidence.” Was it possible that the horse had felt my uncertainty? But that wasn’t the only problem. “The shaman told me I was going to go backward, that I’d marry a man I already know.” The tears started again. “But I don’t want to. I want to be happy. I want someone to love me for who I am, not a character I create.” I drew in a breath, closing my eyes, opening them again as I exhaled. “I don’t want Phil back.” As I said it, the tears stopped. It was true. I didn’t love Phil. The desire I’d had to be his wife had evaporated. We should have never made it past the second date. I wanted to find a man who could love me, flaws and all. Someone new. “I don’t want to be Boston Mackenzie. I want to be Oklahoma Mackenzie. I don’t want to go backward.” “The shaman didn’t say that you’d go back. You’re fixated on Phil because you want an answer, to put a name on the plan you’re already making to find the guy you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.” Brianna patted me on the knee. “But that’s not the way life works. You’ve got to relax and let it happen.”

I raised my eyebrows. Easy for her to say. “I mean it, Mackenzie. You have to go back to Boston knowing that sometimes you’re going to get it wrong.” “How is that helpful? Shouldn’t I be focused on getting it right?” “You have to be focused on what’s in your heart, not what’s in your plan. Concentrate on your feelings, live in the moment. Let go a bit.” Kennedy and Rose had said something similar our first night in Christie—and how Kennedy had convinced me to have my first one-night stand. Was that what my life would be about now? A series of meaningless sexcapades? I hadn’t even managed it very well with Blake. I had to constantly fight the meaning that crept up around the edges of my feelings toward him every time I was with him. I poked the dirt with my finger, creating transient circles in front of me. “But the shaman said—” “You’re interpreting it one way. You don’t know if you’re going to run into a childhood friend that you’ve not seen for two decades and fall madly in love. You can’t assume anything.” Brianna leaned back on her hands. I took a deep breath. Maybe I’d been a bit rash, convincing myself that it was Phil that was the guy the shaman had meant. “Okay,” I said. “Perhaps, rather than look for Mr. Right, you can try to enjoy being single until he comes along?” “Single?” I’d not been single for more than a few weeks since college. “It would stop you falling back into old habits that may be hard to break if you date again too quickly.” Her suggestion made the thought of going back to Boston a little less scary. I didn’t have to be good at being Oklahoma Mackenzie right away. I could do single, for a while at least, and being on my own was preferable to being in one of my previous relationships. “But how do I know when I’ve found the right one?” Tilting her head, Brianna said, “There are no guarantees in life. You just gotta keep listening to your heart. You know deep down inside when something feels good, feels authentic—when you find a guy you can talk to and is really interested in what you have to say. A relationship should be an exchange between you, not one-way traffic. And the more you feel it, the easier it will be to spot it.” “You see? That is why this is difficult. I need a list of things to look for so—” “Honey, life isn’t a checklist,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re bound to make mistakes, and that’s okay.” Brianna grabbed my hands in hers and squeezed. “Mistakes mean you’re growing, experiencing new things. That’s how you grow, get strong. It’s in those moments you learn to trust yourself and your judgement.” My plan hadn’t protected me from my failures. If anything it had created them, insulated me from my feelings that could have directed me toward happiness. Plan or not, there were no guarantees. “I think you’ve been holding on to the idea of a plan for a long time,” Brianna said, brushing a piece of hay from her jeans. “You just trashed an old one, then immediately looked around for a new one.” She was right. That’s exactly what I’d done. My chest rose as I took a deep breath. My tears had gone and a calm—not optimism, but not despair either—descended in their place. Brianna had never made any promises. There were no happy endings here, at least not for me. But maybe there was the start of something, a possibility that I could be genuinely happy. If I was brave enough to try.

Mackenzie “You’re a beautiful crier,” Kennedy said as I came out of the bathroom. “Gorgeous.” “Fuck off,” I replied. “I mean it. I know it’s not appropriate for me to say it, but you looked like a fucking movie star. Especially the bit where you sank to your knees.” I chuckled. “I imagine it looked a little dramatic.” “And you’re sure you’re fine?” Rose asked. “Because we can just stay up here and play poker or something. We don’t have to go out.” I sat on the stool in front of the dressing table. “No, I want to go. I’m good. Brianna and I talked.” “You wanna talk with us?” Rose asked. I nodded. “Yeah, but not now.” I’d been looking for a final resolution in that exercise with Lady, like a ribbon at a swim meet or something. Proof of a quick fix, a reminder of my accomplishments, because I knew life back in Boston would be a difficult adjustment. Now I was just resigned to the fact that things would be messy. “You girls are going to have to put up with crazy Mackenzie a little more.” “You’re not crazy,” Kennedy said. “You’re beautiful and funny and clever—you just don’t think it’s enough.” She kissed me on the top of my head. “But we’ll keep reminding you.” My eyes began to water. “Stop it. I can’t cry any more. I’m exhausted. Please, let’s change the subject.” “Okay, what are you going to wear?” Rose asked, slumping onto the bed in only her towel. “I think just my jeans and a tank top,” I replied. I’d let my hair air dry, and added only a little mascara and a hint of blush to my face. Anything more felt kinda artificial. I was ready to be me, the new me. “I feel lighter,” I said, pumping the mascara wand back into its container. “That’s what no alcohol for four days does to you.” Kennedy sucked in her stomach as she stared into the mirror. “No, I mean inside. My soul feels lighter.” The last few days had been intense, and though I hadn’t dared to imagine what would happen if I didn’t lift Lady’s leg, Brianna had shown me that it was just another bump in the road. Another lesson to be learned. And although it’d been a big one, it wouldn’t be the last one. I let myself believe that a better life was possible. Somehow. I glanced at Kennedy, preparing for a barrage of sarcasm. She smiled. “I’m sorry about giving you such a hard time about bringing us here,” Kennedy said, sitting on the bed by Rose, slipping on her fuck-me boots. “I think this is the best vacation I’ve ever had. Not just because of all of the Love Rehab stuff, although that has been . . . good.” She pulled up the side zip on her shoe. “No, not just good. It’s been more than that.” She stretched back on the bed, her eyes flitting between my reflection in the mirror and Rose. “But I’ve really loved us here, away from all the stuff we normally do—all the glamour, the boys, the bars. It feels like we got back to who we really are and had fun together.” She grabbed the bottom of Rose’s towel and Rose laughed, tightening her grip

and moving off the bed to get away from Kennedy. “And I’m glad we did this now, before, you know . . .” Rose snapped her head round. “Before what?” Kennedy shrugged. “You know, before we get older and it’s not the same anymore.” “Why would getting older change things between us?” Rose looked at Kennedy as if she were an open box of snakes. “I just mean that as we have families of our own, things will change.” “I don’t see why that would change things,” Rose snapped. “We’ve been friends for almost thirty years. Are you saying that’s going to just stop?” Kennedy stood up, a full six inches taller than Rose in her heels, and pulled Rose into a hug. “We’ll always be friends. Things will be different, but that doesn’t mean worse. I’m just saying that when we’ve got kick-ass careers and are married with babies, we’re not going to be able to drop everything to go camping in Oklahoma.” “You girls will always come first for me,” Rose replied as Kennedy released her from her arms. “I’m not sure that’s true, but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing, either. We’ll always be friends—we might just have to share each other. I mean, come on, when I’m President and leader of the freefucking-world my security detail are going to be the most important people in my life.” Kennedy laughed, but Rose still looked glum. “You’re crazy,” I told Kennedy before turning to Rose. “Come on. She’s not saying we’ll never see each other again, just that the next phase of our lives is going to be complicated.” That was the only thing that I was sure about, but I felt ready for whatever was going to happen. “But that’s exciting, right? You’re starting a new job. I’m going to—I have no idea.” For the first time in my life I didn’t have a plan and the thought didn’t completely freak me out. “Kennedy is going to run for office.” I laughed and patted Rose on the back. Rose shrugged. “I guess it will be an exciting ride, whatever happens.” “I’ll drink to an exciting ride. Hell, I’d like an exciting ride tonight. I wonder if those boys we met our first night will be at Jimmy’s again,” Kennedy said. “I thought your approach to men was different now?” Rose poked Kennedy’s arm. “Fewer onenight stands.” “I don’t ever remember committing to that. Love Rehab hasn’t cut out my vagina. It’s just that now I’m open to the possibility a guy might be more than his dick.” Kennedy had an understanding of the world that made me jealous. She got that life was a mess and just relaxed and went with it. I’d constantly fought for order and control and it had almost broken me. It brought home the truth. When we left Love Rehab, nothing had really changed. Not yet. But I was determined to try to get it right. –––––––––– The sun had set and, like every other night, we were gathered around the fire, but tonight felt different. There was less chatter between us and a layer of melancholy had descended with the light. We were in the backyard rather than the open field lakeside and we were all dressed for a night out with our good friend whiskey. I felt as if I were passing through a halfway house, transitioning back into real life. I would be sad to leave this place. Sad to leave Blake. I looked up to find him standing on the porch, watching us, me. Would he be sorry to see me go? I’d learned so much being with him. I’d managed a new Mackenzie, even if it was just for a few days, with Blake. I’d never tried to cling to him, make him into a boyfriend or a long-term thing, never

pretended to be anyone other than myself. I’d asked for what I wanted. With no future to worry about, I’d lived in the moment. “When you’ve finished eating, please take your plates inside, then come back and we’ll do our final exercise,” Brianna said as she stood and walked toward the ranch house with her dish. “Come join us, Blake.” She waved at her brother. I stood. “Shall I take your dishes?” I asked the other girls, hoping to have just a few seconds with Blake. There was so little time left. I wanted to squeeze out every last drop. “I’ll help you,” Ann said as she began gathering up plates. In the end, we all helped clear everything away and I had to make do with a couple of glances at Blake. He’d become such a special person to me in such a little time. He knew me far better than Phil had, better than all of my exes, really. Did he have any idea? “I’ll miss the fire,” Kennedy said as we retook our seats. “I was just thinking the same thing,” I replied. It was a comforting presence, offering warmth and light. “We should have more fires in Boston,” Kennedy said. “I’m not sure they allow fires on the Common,” Rose said, ever practical. “Maybe we should camp. Even in state.” “Maybe.” We were more used to planning spa days than camping trips, but I hoped we’d follow through on it. Kennedy was right; the three of us were great here. Happy, not bogged down in the pettiness of everyday life. Brianna started handing out pens and paper. What now? “We have two things left to do. First, I want you to write a letter to yourself about the life you want to be leading in six months. Feel free to include something other than your romantic relationship. You might put something about your career or friendships. Or your relationship with your parents. I’ve given you an envelope. When you’re finished, seal it and give it back to me.” I took the paper and pen. “Then, in six months I’m going to mail them to you as a reminder of what you wanted when you had some time and space to really consider it. So often, the noise of every day influences us so much that we forget what’s really important. We forget what our souls need. Use this opportunity to remind yourself. And don’t overthink it. Just take ten minutes.” Rose put her hand up. She was so cute I wanted to eat her. “So we’re writing, ‘Dear Rose, I’m pleased to see you’re shacked up with Liam Hemsworth and having his baby.’” Brianna smiled. “Yes, that kind of thing. But be authentic. Speak from the heart.” “I can be very authentic with any of the Hemsworths,” she replied. I watched as the others began writing. They made it look so easy, but after Dear Mackenzie, I wasn’t sure what to put down. When I’d arrived, I’d been clear about what I wanted. For Phil to call and tell me he wanted me back. To get married. To get my plan back on track. But over the last few days all those thoughts disintegrated. It was no longer clear what I wanted, but I knew that whatever it was, I had to be me. I wanted the guy I was with to see the real Mackenzie—the woman who fell asleep straight after sex. The woman who got upset and frustrated. The girl who didn’t quite have it figured out yet. I needed someone who saw all those things and wanted me anyway, or even because of all that. I just wasn’t sure men like that existed. Blake didn’t count—I’d never had to worry about pleasing him because I knew after a few days, I’d never see him again.

I glanced across at him to see him scribbling away. Was he writing to himself? Brianna sat down beside him. “Will you mail it to me, too?” he asked. She patted him on the back, though I couldn’t hear her reply. I looked back at my own blank sheet of paper. What would his letter say? There was so much I didn’t know about him. So much I had to get to know before we parted. “You good?” Rose asked. She was so good at picking up on what people were thinking and feeling, which was why it was hard to believe she could be so blind to her own love life. But then, it was easy to see the mistakes other people were making, but a lot harder to identify your own. Love Rehab had helped. Over the last few days I’d faced my reflection and now I needed to decide what I’d like to see in six months. I could do that. I could ask myself for what I wanted. Blake had taught me how. “Are you done?” I signed and dated my letter, then turned to Kennedy and nodded. “Yeah, I think I am. What about you?” I asked, folding up the paper and placing it into the envelope, my eyes catching Blake’s. God, I’d miss him. Kennedy narrowed her eyes, following my line of sight, but didn’t ask. “Yeah, I’m done. And I’m ready for some tequila, or whiskey, or whatever it is we have to drink to get drunk around here.” “Patience, Kennedy. We’re not finished yet,” Brianna said smiling as she collected our sealed envelopes. “The final thing we’re going to do before we go to Jimmy’s is think about the obstacles that could stop you from achieving the future you just described.” She gave each of us a small square of wood. “I want you to write down one or two things you think might lead you off course, or block you from getting the future you want. Don’t hold back, but be prepared to share your thoughts.” I took a deep breath as I thought about the letter I’d just written. What would stop me from reaching the goal I’d just described? I needed to get out of my own damn way. I took the lid of the Sharpie and wrote two words. “Is everyone ready?” Brianna asked. I watched Blake nod. He was going to join in? Had he decided on a future? Had he chosen the easy route or was he going to be the guy who tried to make a difference? “Okay, so who’s up first?” I stood. I wanted to be first this time. I had this one, knew what my first step would have to be. For the first time all week, I was confident about the lesson to be learned. “Go ahead, Mackenzie. Show us your block and explain why you think it might hold you back.” I smiled at Kennedy and Rose. I held up my wooden plank and revealed what I needed to let go of. My Plan. Predictably my two best friends started to clap and whoop. They’d always teased me about the plan. “Tell us a bit more about that,” Brianna said. “Since I was super small, I’ve had a road map of how my life was going to be. I’ve known what college I was going to attend, what I would do for a living, when I’d get married, how many kids I’d have.” As I said it out loud it seemed ridiculous. I couldn’t bear to look at Blake. “Over the last few days I’ve come to realize I’ve been confusing my goals with my plan. Being set on doing things a certain way has actually become an obstacle to leading a good life, to being happy, to loving and being loved.” My throat tightened as I spoke. “I’ve got to let go and live my life.” My plan had been driven by guilt and fear. Guilt that my father had left, that if I’d been a different child, a better child, he would never have gone and fear that something terrible would happen if I didn’t plan. Blake winked at me. I had so much to thank him for. Having a casual fling during a trip to

Oklahoma had been completely unplanned. And it had led to meeting Blake, the best sex of my life, all the lessons he’d shared with me. He’d given me a glimpse of the girl I wanted to be. He had the ability to wipe the fog from the mirror to let me see myself more clearly. I’d be forever grateful. “That sounds like an important lesson, Mackenzie. Now, say good-bye to your obstacles and go ahead and throw them into the fire.” I stepped toward the flames. “You’ve served me well over the years, but I gave you too much power. I’m taking it back.” I reached out and dropped my wood onto the fire. The flames took it and in a second it was charred and burning. “I let you go,” I whispered. “How do you feel?” Brianna asked. “Scared.” My plan had organized so much of my life, my thoughts—I wasn’t sure where I was going anymore. It had been my map. The problem was it had been leading me to a destination I didn’t want. “But excited, too.” –––––––––– Barrett dropped us off at Jimmy’s again and when we walked in, even though we’d been there only once before, it was comfortingly familiar. The same country tune played on the jukebox, Gillian was behind the bar, and the only guy not wearing a cowboy hat was Blake. Sitting in the same spot as the night I’d met him, he stood out still, but this time it wasn’t just the hard body and the begging-to-bekissed jaw. It was also his warm heart and protective body—it was the way he knew me. I wanted to go over and put my arms around him. To spend every minute of our last night in Christie together. “Let’s play pool,” Kennedy said. “I’ll get the drinks,” I said. “You two girls go first.” Rose and Kennedy headed to the pool table. My stomach somersaulted as Blake watched them go, then jerked his head around when he realized I wasn’t with them. Our eyes locked and I grinned. Slowly, without tearing my eyes away from Blake, I walked toward him. I stood next to him at the bar, just as I had that first night, but this time, it was as if electricity crackled between us. “Been here long?” I asked. “I got here as quick as I could. I didn’t want to miss a second with you.” My heart tumbled in my chest. It was the first time a guy had ever said something that made me shiver and my knees fizz. It wasn’t that I never got compliments, just nothing like that. Blake knew me. He really knew me and still meant it. “Me too.” If I let myself tell him how incredible I thought he was, I might ruin it. And I wanted him, this, us, to remain special. “You look beautiful,” he whispered. “You do, too,” I replied. Blake chuckled, but I was serious. His jaw had a day’s worth of stubble and his jeans hugged his thighs in a way that made me jealous. “Is this what tonight’s conversation is going to be? You just agreeing with me?” I laughed. “No. I just . . .” I was excited to see him, but a little sad this would be the last time. I wanted to stretch all these moments out so they lasted ten times as long. I wanted to just stand here and study all his angles and details—commit him to memory. “What?” he asked. I shook my head. “Nothing.” “Hey, I thought you were getting good at asking for what you wanted?” “Nothing. Later.” I smiled and the bartender came over. “Three double shots of whiskey, please,” I told Gillian when she approached.

Gillian began the ritual of setting out shot glasses. “You determined to get a little drunk tonight?” Blake asked. “It’s a dilemma.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “You see, I need to get my friends wasted so they don’t notice when I slip away with some guy at the bar, but I want to stay sharp for whatever that guy and I decide to do.” Blake raised his eyebrows. “I think some guy wants you sharp for what he has planned.” “I think I need to get my friends real drunk, real quick.” Blake chuckled and threw back his beer. “Sounds like a plan you should stick to.” Our hands flat on the bar, he stroked my little finger with his and set my skin alight. I wanted to smooth my hands across his shoulders, press my fingers into the dip above his collarbone. I wanted it to be just him and me—a celebration of the first real relationship I’d ever had and one I was about to give up.

Blake Sitting in my brother ’s truck, the windows wound down, the radio on, I waited for Mackenzie to emerge. It had been exactly ninety-seven minutes since she’d walked into the bar. The clunk of the door caught my attention and a shock of dark red hair was just visible out of the window. “Hey,” Mackenzie said as she opened the truck door, beaming at me as she climbed in. My shoulders instantly relaxed and I couldn’t help but smile back. “You got away?” I’d worried I’d have to wait until the bar closed to get her to myself, but she seemed just as enthusiastic as I was about some alone time. “I did. It was easier than I expected. Kennedy and Rose are so wasted. When I told them I was off to get lucky, Kennedy offered me a condom. You’d think they’d be slightly more concerned with my personal safety.” Her smile lifted higher on one side and I had to resist dragging her across the seat to kiss her. “You have anywhere particular you want to go?” I asked. I wanted to do whatever she wanted, but I had a backup plan if she was just happy to hang out. “Nope.” She shrugged. “As long as I’m with you.” Maybe it was the way she stared into her lap as she said it, but I could tell it wasn’t one of the things she told guys to get them to fall in love with her. I wanted to pull her into my arms right there, but the parking lot at Jimmy’s wasn’t the right place for what I had in mind. I turned out onto Main Street, just as I had four nights ago. It felt more like four weeks, months, years. It was as if we’d fast forwarded through all the getting-to-know-you stuff. I felt so comfortable with her as if we were sharing brain space. She’d asked nothing from me, yet I wanted, needed to make her happy in a way I’d never experienced. It was difficult to imagine what my trip back to Christie would have been like without her. “You okay?” I asked. She avoided looking at me, quieter than usual. “Yeah.” She glanced at me. “It’s just weird. It feels like we’ve been here longer than we really have.” I nodded. “That’s exactly what I was thinking.” She raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth to say something else, hopefully reveal something personal, but stopped and turned back to the road in front. “Hey, what were you going to say?” I asked. “Nothing.” She took a deep breath as if trying to clear away what she was about to say. I could tell there were more words bubbling under the surface. I just wished she’d share them with me. “Later,” she said and she smiled and smoothed her hand across my thigh. “Take a look in the glove compartment,” I said. She flipped open the lock and stared at the blindfold I’d put in there earlier. “Should I be worried? Are you getting kinky on me?” I chuckled. “No, I just have a surprise for you. But we can play with it later if that’s what you’re into.” “I’m not sure what I’m into.”

It wasn’t clear if she knew how much that comment revealed about her. My heart ached for this girl. She had so much to offer yet she’d never bothered to figure out what she wanted in a relationship, or what physically worked for her. “Maybe we can find out together?” she asked. I brushed my thumb over her cheekbone and she tilted her head toward my hand. “So you want me to put this on? Now?” she asked as she reached for the scrap of fabric. “Yeah.” I nodded. “Make sure you can’t see.” It was dark out and she was new to Christie, so I was pretty sure she wouldn’t figure out where we were headed, but when we arrived I wanted to straighten a few things out before she saw what I had planned. “Now?” She frowned. “Do you trust me?” She slipped on the mask without any further hesitation. She did trust me and that felt like a victory. I’d make sure she never regretted it. For the first time ever, I needed to protect the woman I was with. Needed to make her feel good. “How do you manage to make a blindfold look good?” I asked. With her eyes covered, I was drawn to her full, pouty mouth. Jesus, I had to distract myself. I wanted tonight to be more than just sex. She deserved that. And I wanted it. “You say the sweetest things. I bet girls literally swoon around you.” I shifted in my seat, lifting the sun visor. I didn’t want to talk about other girls, or my life outside this moment, outside of our bubble. I turned off the road and headed down a small track toward the lake, just as I had four nights ago. I switched off the engine and killed the headlights. “Don’t peek. I’ll be back to get you in a few minutes, okay?” She nodded but worried her bottom lip with her teeth. I stroked my knuckles down her cheek and pressed my lips to her forehead. “I’ll be able to see you the whole time. I’m not leaving you.” “Okay,” she said in a small voice. I climbed out of the truck, grabbing a small ice chest and a bottle of champagne. Everything was exactly where I’d left it. A circle of stones surrounded unlit firewood. Blankets and cushions in a comfortable pile facing the lake. Dozens of unlit candles. A string of Christmas lights I planned to hook up to the engine. Perfect. I put the champagne next to the blankets, lit the fire and I turned my attention to the candles that led down to the lake, lighting each one until there were dots of light, like fireflies, wherever I looked. Finally, I hooked the Christmas lights from the attic up to the engine. I stood back to take in the scene. I’d never been one for grand romantic gestures. I couldn’t even remember buying flowers for a woman who wasn’t my mom. But I was sure she’d like this, hopeful that she’d light up my world with her smile when she saw it. “I’m back,” I said, opening the truck door. “Good. You were gone too long.” My heart swooped at her words. “I’m going to lift you out.” I snaked one hand under her knees, pulled her to my chest, then used my foot to slam the door shut. Carrying Mackenzie, I walked to the blankets, then set her down on her feet facing me. Her fingers went to the blindfold, and I placed my hands over hers and uncovered her eyes. I watched, wanting to see her first reaction when she took in where we were. She opened her eyes and smiled at me as if I was the only thing in her whole world, and right at that moment she was the

only thing in mine. My heart sped and my breathing faltered. Had any girl ever elicited the feeling in me that I’d try and stop time for just a few more moments with her, that I’d commit murder to keep her safe, that I’d do anything to make her happy? As if being with me was more important than where I’d brought her, she ignored her surroundings, lifted up on her tiptoes and pulled me closer for a kiss. I leaned back to look at her. “I missed your eyes.” I only had a few more hours with her; I had to make the most of them. She ran her hands around my back and rested her head on my chest. “Holy fuck,” she said, jerking back as she took in the scene before her. I couldn’t help but chuckle. “This is beautiful.” She walked toward the pillows, reaching for me to join her. I threaded my fingers through hers as her eyes flitted about, taking everything in. “You did all this?” “Happy Graduation.” Had I gone too far? Was this all a little over the top? I lost all sense of what I was supposed to do around Mackenzie and just did what felt natural. She trailed her fingers over the fairy lights. “You did all this, for me?” “I thought you’d like it.” I’d known Mackenzie four days. We weren’t even in a relationship, and it looked like I was about to propose. Maybe I was an idiot, but I’d wanted to do something nice for her. Something she’d like. She’d been so upset this afternoon; it’d wrecked me watching her fall apart and not being able to go to her, scoop her up and make everything better. With me, Mackenzie was honest and unguarded, loving and sexy. She deserved everything she wished for, and I’d do anything to see that beautiful smile some more. “Marshmallows?” she asked, spying the bag I’d left by the champagne. She turned and covered her smile with her fingers as if she’d been caught out enjoying herself. I could do nothing but grin like a teenager. She grabbed my shirt and pulled me in for a kiss. “I can’t believe it. It’s so thoughtful.” “Let’s have a glass of champagne.” We sat and I filled the two glasses she held for me. “To your graduation,” I said, holding up my glass. We should have been celebrating a beginning, but she and I were saying good-bye. Our bubble was about to burst. “You’re okay after this afternoon?” I didn’t want to embarrass her, but I didn’t want ignore her needs like all of her asshole exes, either. She nodded. “Much better actually. Not lifting that leg made me focus on the challenge still ahead —it pushed me. Stopped me from clinging to the hope that it was going to be an easy ride. I’m still terrified I’ll get it all wrong, that I’ll fail. But Brianna helped me see that I have to live with that fear, and then hopefully overcome it.” Fear of failure was something I could relate to. Brianna had told me it was the reason I’d not yet accepted the job offer in Boston. Her accusation had followed me around like a bad smell these past few days and I couldn’t shake it. “You make me think anything is possible,” Mackenzie said. I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand. “I do?” She took another sip of champagne. “Yeah, this, us”—she circled her free hand between us—“is how I need to be with guys when I go home.” Guys? My body stiffened. The thought of her with someone else made me wince. She didn’t know it, but there was a chance we’d both be in Boston. If I took the offer from the food company and set up my own business, this didn’t have to be the end of us. There didn’t have to

be other guys. We could see each other again. I could see if I was the man who could make her happy. As I watched her stare at the fire, sipping her champagne, I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t disappoint her in the everyday reality of life. Work had always come first. And Mackenzie was going to be trying out a brand-new approach to men, doing the hard work of implementing everything she’d learned at Love Rehab. We hardly made the ideal couple. “This is perfect,” she said, shuffling so she was sitting between my legs, her back to my front. Her hand skimmed down my thigh, sending bolts of anticipation right to my cock. “You make a great fire, Uncowboy McKenna.” She slid her palms over my hands, threading her fingers through mine. “One of my many skills,” I whispered into her neck, trying to dampen down the constant need for more from her. She patted my hand. “Talk to me, Blake. I’ve graduated Love Rehab. What about you? Did you get what you wanted from Christie?” Had I? It had been good to just enjoy Christie and Mackenzie and not think about anything but the right here and now. “I’m still thinking on things. It’s a big decision, a big risk to leave Oklahoma City. I like where I am.” Why would I purposefully upend everything good in my life for something so uncertain? I would be giving up something good for the mere possibility of everything I’d ever wanted. “But something’s still pulling you toward the start-up, or the decision would have been made already,” Mackenzie said, circling her palms over the back of my hands. “It’s difficult to give up a fantasy.” “Is it a fantasy, though?” she asked, her tone a question rather than a challenge. I was sure she didn’t mean to make me think so carefully about my response. Was it a fantasy—my ultimate goal? “I guess it was my fantasy.” “But not anymore?” I took a swig of my drink. It was. I just didn’t want to chase, work for it, put everything I had into it, only for it to come to nothing. “It’s scary, I guess,” she said, sinking against my chest. I breathed in the scent of lilac. “What is?” “Being offered what you want most in the world.” She was right. If I took the investment and it didn’t work out, it would be down to me. I had no way of knowing whether or not the testing would go well, and if it didn’t, what would I have left? My dream would be gone. I’d be jobless, in a place I hated with a stamp across my head that read Certified Failure. God, I was a chicken shit. But my fear wasn’t unfounded. “It is scary,” I confessed. Brianna had been right. Fear was the only thing stopping me from taking the job in Boston. I was being offered an opportunity of a lifetime, my fantasy come to life. Why hadn’t I said yes yet? “I think sometimes fear can be good. I’m hoping when I get through that feeling, what I have at the other side will be more valuable because I’ve overcome my fears and insecurities to get it. Does that make sense?” I nodded, burying my face in her neck. I didn’t have a family to support. There was no real reason I couldn’t be in Boston rather than Oklahoma. I wasn’t a student anymore—was I really going to let myself turn down this opportunity

just because I hadn’t had a great college experience? Mackenzie sighed and said, “Being offered your fantasy on a silver platter makes you think about whether or not it’s really what you want, or just something you’ve been holding on to for a long time.” She was right. What if my dream didn’t live up to all my expectations? What would I be left with? Nothing to aim for. Nothing to hunger after. “And you said you’d have to move back to the city where you went to school if you took this job. Where did you study?” I stroked my thumbs across her hip. I had to confess that the offer was in Boston. I didn’t keep things from her—that’s not who we were together. But would she be pleased? Hopeful that perhaps we might see each other again? Date? Or would she want a fresh start when she got back home? “I started at Harvard, then transferred to UT.” She twisted to look at me. “You don’t get many uncowboys at Harvard, I bet.” Her brow creased as if she was working the New York Times crossword. I nodded. That sentence summed up my life. I didn’t fit in in Oklahoma or Boston. I wasn’t a cowboy and I wasn’t a WASP. She settled back against my chest, and looked out at the lake. “And the start-up would be based in Texas?” Was she wondering if whatever was between us could be more? I was certainly fixated on the idea. I needed to get her out of my head. She shouldn’t influence my decision. “No.” I paused. “Boston.” “Oh, wow.” Her hand stopped stroking down my thigh for a second and then resumed. “Well, you know my vote goes to Boston.” Did it? Did she want me in her city? Close to her? “It’s an amazing place.” Her voice was quiet. “I mean I’m sure Texas is great, too. But Boston is home, so I’m always going to say that it’s better.” So it wasn’t personal, then, wasn’t that she wanted me there. Wanted to see me again. She just loved her city. “It’s beautiful, you get all four seasons and the food is amazing.” Her hands danced in the air in enthusiasm in front of us. “New York isn’t far, and you can go to the Cape for the day,” she said, her voice tinged with excitement. So she wasn’t thinking about a future for us at all. “It’s not a little snobby? Harvard was a little elitist.” “Jesus.” She laughed. When she laughed it was difficult for me to imagine never seeing it again. It was such an open, effortless action that ricocheted through my body as if her laugh was happening to me, rather than me just watching it across a room. I felt it. I felt her. “You were at Harvard. Of course it was snobby.” I suppose Harvard had been Boston to me. I’d never bothered to separate the city from the campus. “I love the things you get in a city that make life easy combined with the history and the water. It’s so great.” I’d never really given it a chance, never got past feeling like a small-town hick playing tourist. I’d rejected it, given up and moved home before it had the time to prove me right. “So when do you have to make a decision?” Mackenzie asked. “You’ve been a good distraction.” I swept her hair from her neck, breathing in the smell of lilac, trying to commit it to memory. I didn’t want to think about this anymore. Maybe if she’d been more excited about me being there . . .

She slapped me on the leg. “You should be working things out.” “I know.” She twisted in my arms, her beautiful green eyes watching me as if they could unlock any situation, reveal anyone’s secrets. “Like I said”—I trailed my fingers over her lips—“you’re quite the distraction.” “In a good way, I hope.” She reached for my jaw and warmth spread through me. She was asking for what she wanted and I couldn’t have been prouder. She leaned closer, lining up our mouths. Perhaps I needed to show her how we could be together if I came to Boston. I pushed her to her back, my hips pinning her to the ground. “In a very good way.” I bent forward and licked along the seam of her lips. “In the best of ways.” I sucked at her neck, her pulse quickening under her skin as I tasted her. She was already breathless, and I loved it. Loved how one minute she was this caring, sensitive woman who I could tell anything, and in the next she wanted me in a completely physical way. I wasn’t sure I’d ever known anyone like her. Was I ready to let her go? I knew the answer to that. I just didn’t know what to do about it. She grabbed my ass and the question dissolved in my lust for her. “You have too many clothes on,” I said. Kneeling, I pulled off her T-shirt, revealing her smooth, milky stomach and exposing her nipples straining at the lace of her bra. “You have the most amazing tits.” She angled forward as she unhooked the clasp of her bra. I groaned. Her breasts were high and tight and perfectly round. She leaned back on her elbows. “You like these, huh?” I bent forward and took one of her nipples between my teeth, alternating between biting and sucking. Her nails on my scalp urged me on as her breathy sounds wound around my cock, hardening it. “No one can hear you.” I wanted her loud. Wanted to know exactly what I did to her. After three nights of sneaking around, I was desperate for every moan. “Blake,” she cried as I bit down on her flesh. I froze as she undid my jeans, then relaxed into the pleasure of her hand sliding around my dick. Christ, I’d had more sex in the last four days than in the previous twelve months—I just couldn’t get enough of her. I took every part of herself she offered, greedily, wanting more, needing more. I couldn’t stop myself from thrusting into her perfect fist. Holding firm, she knew exactly what I wanted. Every now and then her nails trailed over my balls, sending a shiver down my spine, nudging my orgasm awake. I grabbed her wrist, moving so I could kick off my jeans and strip out of my shirt. I needed to be naked, for both of us to be bare. I undid her pants and slid them down her thighs along with her panties, unwrapping the ultimate gift. In the glow of the fire, and beneath the Christmas lights, Mackenzie looked like some kind of fantasy goddess. Flawless, soft skin, fiery hair that shone more than usual. “You’re so beautiful. Inside and out.” I lay back on the blanket and pulled her into my arms so we faced each other on our sides. Her legs slipped between mine as I pressed my lips against hers. I could kiss her for days. But we didn’t have days. We only had tonight. And I’d miss her. Every part of her. I pushed my tongue against hers and skimmed my fingers up her back. She shivered, but I knew she wasn’t cold.

“No man has ever made me feel like you do,” she whispered as she pressed kisses down my chest. Her words had my blood rushing to my dick, but I was also filled with sadness that she’d not had what she deserved. But now she knew how to be happy, because of me. And now, because of me, she’d find someone back in Boston in a heartbeat. It was so unfair. I pushed her back and pulled out a condom from where I’d stashed it under the blanket. I ripped it open—I needed to show her, make her see that I was the only one that could make her feel this good. I couldn’t think of her with another man. Of her asking them for things when I knew I could give her whatever she needed. I was the only one who should know her like this. The only one who could make her happy. I had to leave my mark. She cried out as I pushed in. “Was I too quick?” I asked, snapping my head up to look at her. “No, it’s so good.” She gripped her bottom lip with her teeth and blinked slowly. Hers were cries of pleasure. Cries I’d not heard properly until tonight. I needed to hear them. To know I’d reminded her of how good this was. I wanted it scorched across her memory forever so that whenever another man touched her, she remembered only me. Gripping her hips, I sat back on my heels, so her ass was on my lap. I wanted to see everything as I fucked her—watch her mouth widen with each thrust, her eyes shut lazily as I withdrew. I stroked her stomach, my thumb flicking her clit. Her eyes opened wide as she arched, pushing her breasts into the air. My pulse quickened and I increased the pace. I loved how each movement I made rippled into pleasure across her body. “I’m so close, Blake. You’re so good.” I growled and circled my hips. As her moans grew louder, she pulsed around me. I wouldn’t bet against everyone being able to hear us back at the ranch. I grinned at the thought and pressed harder and faster with my thumb. Her body stiffened and I had to hold her steady as she twisted. She was lovely, perfect, mine. For tonight. And then she was leaving. I couldn’t think about that now. I continued to push into her as she came back down to earth smiling and stroking my jaw, looking at me as if I’d just given her the moon decorated in diamonds. She lifted her knees, shifting so I slid deeper then moaned at the change in angle. The fire roared in my ears and seemed to grow hotter and nearer until my orgasm rumbled at the base of my spine. I wanted it to consume me, but I didn’t want this to be over. Not yet. I wasn’t ready for the beginning of the end. Mackenzie’s muscles contracted around me. Was she close again? She smoothed her hand over my forehead. It was such a sweet, caring gesture in the middle of the cloud of lust between us. We locked eyes and my heart exploded—there was no holding back. I was greedy for the feeling that only being in her created. My orgasm broke free, raced up my spine and caught up with my heart. “Mackenzie, Mackenzie, Mackenzie,” I cried. Her fingernails dug into my ass as she stiffened and silently spiraled into another climax. I wanted to stay like this, here, with her, forever. I slumped, then rolled to my side, bringing her with me. I wanted to melt into her until we were one and she could never leave. The sex had always been good between us, but since our first night together it had become more. More than good.

More than sex. I’d never felt the intensity, the connection, the joining of heart and body. I thought about her all the time when I wasn’t with her. Every now and then I saw snapshots of a future, of a family. I’d never had that before, not with Stacey, or with any of my other exes. I was always happy to be in the moment. My future was always about my career, about how I was going to make a difference. I’d never subscribed to the theory that sex with someone you loved was somehow better. Great sex was about being able to communicate with women. Knowing what they enjoyed. Showing them what worked. But with Mackenzie, it seemed to be more than just good communication . . . With her, everything was fundamentally different than anything I’d experienced before. Physically it was as if God had reached down and given me three more senses to add to the overloaded ones I already had. It ratcheted things up onto another level, led me toward possibilities I’d never seen before. It was as if the tectonic plates of who I was shifted and required that I change, that I look at the world differently when I was with her. Mackenzie’s breath against my skin slowed as the booming in my ears dulled to a throb. Only the fear of losing her gave me the strength to hold her against me. We lay there in silence for what seemed like hours. Eventually she placed a kiss on my chest and I pressed my lips to her forehead. “I won’t ever be the same after this,” she said in a small voice. I was pleased Brianna’s trip had worked out for her. I wanted her to be happy. Celibate, but happy. “I came to find a happy future. The shaman, the stones, the fresh air, the zip line and the fire—they aren’t what changed me.” She sighed. “You did.” I pulled her closer. I didn’t know how to respond, but I knew exactly what she meant. She’d showed me how it could be different. How much a woman could mean to me. It scared the living shit out of me. I wanted to step into the conversation about possibilities. Address the idea of us as a couple in Boston. But that wasn’t why she’d come to Christie. She wanted a fresh start. So I stayed quiet and let the buzz of crickets fill the silence between us. Eventually she shifted and interlinked our legs as she rolled toward me. “Talk to me about biochemistry.” She propped herself up on her elbow and rested her head in her hand. “What do you want to know?” I asked. “Whatever you want to tell me. What does this company in Boston want to work with you on?” I stroked my index finger down her nose. “An artificial sweetener that doesn’t stimulate insulin production and has very few side effects. It would be much healthier than the shit that’s out there at the moment.” “Wow, that’s really important stuff. Do you wear a lab coat and goggles and do things with test tubes? Like science things?” She wiggled her eyebrows at me. I grinned. Not because she was wrong, but because despite the teasing I could tell she really wanted to know and that felt good. “Well, kinda. There’s as many computers as petri dishes, but yeah we do lots of lab work.” “And you’re really good at this stuff?” “I love doing it. And the more I do it, the better I get.” She smiled. “Isn’t that always the way? If you aren’t passionate about what you do, your life becomes a chore.” I had little idea of what she did day to day, just that she used to be a teacher and now did something now for the state. We’d never really talked about it. Was that because she was so used to making the

guy the center of everything? Or because we’d spent the last few days living exclusively in the moment? “What’s your passion?” I asked. “Why aren’t you still teaching?” She sighed and rolled to her back. “Education is still my passion, but I quickly realized a class of twenty-five kids was never going to be enough. So, I create curriculums for the Department of Education, hoping it will have more of an impact on a greater number of students.” She smoothed her palm up my arm, trying to distract me. But I wasn’t going to let her get away with that. “But that’s not your passion?” I leaned up on my elbow so I didn’t miss a moment of her. The candles, the Christmas lights, even the lake—it was all wasted on us. We couldn’t focus our attention on anything but each other. “Not exactly. I’m working on another project in my spare time—one I couldn’t have done without my day job.” She traced small patterns on my chest with her index finger as she talked. “What is it?” “Are you sure you want to hear this?” She glanced up at me, her eyebrows pulled together. Why wouldn’t I want to know everything about her? “Of course.” “I read a book, Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. Do you know it?” she asked. I loved that book. “Yeah, the one about Bill Gates and the Beatles.” She nodded enthusiastically. “Exactly. It got me thinking. Do you remember how it says kids in middle-class households continue their education over school holidays? How their parents are pushier, and tend to provide out-of-school learning? I’m generalizing, but on average, working-class children get less education outside of school—they aren’t as likely to attend museums, for example— than middle-class kids.” I moved a strand of hair from her face. “Go on.” “Blue-collar kids who start in the same place when school begins fall further and further behind every year because they don’t receive the same number of hours of education compared to the whitecollar children.” “Makes sense.” Her words ran together when she spoke, as if she couldn’t get them out fast enough. She was passionate about this. “Well, I’m developing an online summer school. More and more students have computers, so I’m trying to develop a holiday curriculum that’s fun—like a treasure hunt where they have to go to different worlds to do various tasks and play these games.” My stomach dipped and swooped and I pulled her closer to me. She was really trying to do something meaningful. To change the world. It was a passion I understood. “Do I sound naïve? Plenty of people say I do, so you won’t hurt my feelings.” I’d known she had a good, caring heart, but suddenly I wasn’t sure I’d scratched the surface of how special she was. “It sounds like an amazing idea.” “It does?” “It really does.” “Who knows if it will work out?” It didn’t matter if it was successful, what mattered was that she’d tried, that she cared. I reached for her hands, pressing my palms against hers and interlinking our fingers as I trailed my tongue over her collarbone. “Education gets you hot?” I grinned against her skin. “You get me hot.” My tongue found her nipple, ripe and hard against my mouth. She writhed and moaned, arching

against me, wanting more. I worked my way down her perfect body, biting and licking, sucking and kissing, before getting to her pussy and taking in a deep breath of her. She smelled so sweet. “Blake, you don’t have to . . . you’re—” “Don’t you get it? I want to. I like making you come. Making you happy feels good. Tasting you gets me hard. Feeling how wet you get thrills me. Having sex together shouldn’t just be about me. You know that now.” Her cheeks bloomed red. “I’m sorry.” “Don’t be. Just learn to enjoy it.” She let out a small laugh. “I would be happy to go to oral sex summer school. Perhaps Brianna could run that next summer.” I thrust my fingers into her, and she gasped. I didn’t want to think about her with other guys. I shifted so I could drop a kiss on her clit. I twisted my fingers. “No one can make you come like I can, can they?” I needed to hear it from her. Wanted her to realize this was different. I could tell by the look of wonder on her face that with me she’d felt things she’d never let herself feel before. Did she get it? I knew I did things to her no one else had. She thrust her hands into my hair and lifted her hips as I sucked, trying to pull the answer from her. I slid my tongue lower, then back up to her clit. She bucked and twisted. I pressed my free hand to her stomach, trying to keep her steady. “Tell me,” I growled against her. “No one,” she screamed. “Only you.” Her fingers tightened in my hair as her body spasmed and shuddered under my touch. She sucked in a breath and I felt her explode beneath me as she screamed, “Blake, Blake, Blake.” I watch as she stilled, then pulled her back to our now favorite postcoital pose, side by side and facing each other. Her eyelids drooped, hazy and heavy, as if she was high. She looked so delicate. I wanted to offer to protect her for the rest of time. “I’m going to miss you.” The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about them. She curled her lips into a small smile and stared at my chest. “I’m going to miss you, too.” We lay together, entangled by the fire until the flames turned to embers and the call of the herons signaled the approaching dawn, and our return to the ranch. I stroked her back. “Is it time to go?” She sat up, looking out to the lake, only just visible in the blue light of the morning. “It is,” I replied. A dull thump in my chest began, and I wasn’t sure if it would ever leave me when she was gone. She nodded slowly and then turned to grab her shirt. Was she going to miss this? Us? Enough to say yes if I suggested we see each other again? It was selfish to want more from her, especially as I wasn’t sure what I had to give. I hadn’t decided about Boston and I didn’t know how to be in a relationship where I didn’t end up disappointing my girlfriend. Could I be enough for her? I knew I had to find out.

Mackenzie Blake switched off the engine in front of the ranch house, but neither of us made an attempt to get out of the truck. “So this is it,” he said as I tried to ignore the pressing on my chest. “I’ll see you at breakfast?” I asked, turning to face him. He nodded but his eyes were hard. He looked as if he was trying to avoid something. He was probably hoping I wouldn’t get emotional. “Okay. So this isn’t good-bye and anyway, I hate good-byes—not that it’s a big deal. Just . . .” I reached for the handle of the truck. I needed to stop talking. I didn’t want him to think he had to suggest we keep in touch. I knew the score—happily ever afters weren’t on the horizon. Surely the pressure in my chest, the emptiness I felt in my stomach, was because it was so unusual for me to do casual. I was uncomfortable because this was unfamiliar, not because Blake was important for my future happiness. He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward him, his lips finding mine. A final kiss. The last time I’d feel his mouth against my skin. The space inside my stomach grew. I placed my hand on his chest. “Breakfast then,” he said and I nodded and climbed out of the truck. Blake stayed put. No doubt he had things to do. When I reached the porch, I glanced back at him and we locked eyes. I’d miss him. More than I should. I understood that my time with Blake would help me find the man I was meant to be with, give me the strength to put into practice what I’d learned at Love Rehab. It just felt like more of a wrench than I wanted it to be. Why were life lessons always so hard to learn? I opened the bedroom door to find Kennedy and Rose fast asleep. I grabbed my notebook and headed back downstairs. I needed to get it together before everyone was awake and preparing to leave. Maybe some final breaths of Christie air would help me digest what had happened last night. Blake telling me he might be moving to Boston had been a shock. I knew we had no future, but him being in Oklahoma was a practical reason why we couldn’t be more than we were in Christie, on top of all the emotional reasons. It kinda sealed the deal, allowed me not to think about him, us. So now that obvious roadblock may be taken away, I was forced to remind myself that he wasn’t the one I ended up with. Because if I’d learned anything at Love Rehab, it was that if I keep doing what I was doing, I’d keep getting what I was getting. I needed to live life differently. I couldn’t make every man want me, love me, marry me. Some men were for the moment. I knew it. But the thought of Blake in Boston, so close to me but not with me, turned my every breath green. I was jealous of all the girls in Massachusetts that would eat him up, of the one that would be his happily ever after. Although he was just a journey, my Munich, I wanted to have been the only one to experience how special he was. If he had wanted to see me again, he would have said so. He hadn’t. Not last night. Not this morning. Which was good. Because if he’d suggested it, I wasn’t sure I’d have the strength to say no. What

had happened between us was perfect and there was no way I wanted to spoil it. I would lock these Oklahoma nights away in my memory, and only bring them out occasionally to remind me of the woman I wanted to be. Nothing ever would be what I’d had with Blake, it couldn’t be. We’d worked because there was no pressure, no expectation. And it was better to keep the fantasy of him in my head than try for something more and ruin that. And I needed to be single. He would always be special to me and that’s how it would be left. An amazing memory unsullied by the reality of the everyday. But I wanted to write him a note, a thank you. Something I could leave with him. I just didn’t know what to say. I stepped out of the door to the backyard and took a seat on the swing on the porch. I opened my notebook. Dear Blake, I want you to know how much the last few days have meant to me. No, too soppy. I turned the page to try again. I want to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. No, I’d already said that. I tried again. No one will ever make me come like you do. I laughed. I couldn’t write that. I sighed and sank back into the wicker chair. The sun was up now. People would start to wake any moment and I still hadn’t managed to work out what I wanted to say. I stood and leaned against the railings of the porch, looking out into the half-cultivated, half-wild garden. Beneath one of the trees, rose bushes had been planted and the last of their petals lay scattered on the ground. I headed down the porch steps toward the roses, a plan forming. I spotted a round, flat stone and picked it up. I scanned the area and found another, then another. I could have used a hundred, but when I found the seventh I realized I’d have to compromise. Now to find something to write with. Chalk wasn’t something most households had lying around. I laid the stones on the deck of the porch and quietly opened the screen door to see what I could find. My heart thumped in my chest. I wanted to do this before people started to wake. I found a pile of Sharpies on the kitchen table. Perfect. When I’d finished writing all the things I appreciated about Blake on the stones, I looked around for somewhere to leave them. On a shelf in the kitchen I found a paper grocery bag. I placed the stones inside and then folded the top of the bag three times. I ran upstairs and slowly opened the door to our room. I wanted to stash the bag before either of the girls woke. Luckily they were still asleep and I was able to push the bag under my bed before climbing in and opening my journal. “Is that you, Mackenzie?” Rose asked, her throat grating like an eighty-year-old who’d smoked forty a day her whole life.

“It’s me.” “You weren’t here when we got back last night. We were worried.” Rose pulled off her sleep mask and opened one eye. I grinned, remembering how nervous I’d been when Blake had asked me to wear the blindfold. But it had been worth it. The effort he’d gone to last night, the champagne and the lights and the candles . . . My stomach flipped and swooped at the memory, the connection. “Not so worried that we didn’t collapse into our beds and sleep like babies,” Kennedy said. She sounded awake, but her eyes remained firmly shut. “I just went for a walk around the ranch. To say good-bye, you know?” “In the dark?” Rose asked. “I guess we’ll get our phones back today.” The thought of being plugged in again was sure to distract them. “I can’t believe we’ve gone nearly a week without internet, celebrity gossip and social media,” Rose said. “Did you miss it?” I asked. After the first day, I’d barely noticed. Maybe it was because I’d been wrapped up in Blake, or maybe it had just been the Oklahoma air and the focus on myself that had taken my mind off being out of touch with the outside world. Either way, I hadn’t obsessed over getting a message from Phil, or really wondered about him at all. I hoped he was happy, and more, I now knew I wouldn’t have been had we got married. “Not as much as I expected,” Rose replied. Kennedy finally opened her eyes. “I thought Brianna was crazy, but I think it was good for us. We were forced to live in the moment.” “With no distractions,” Rose chipped in. “Should we do no-phone weekends when we get back to Boston?” I asked. We all looked at each other without saying anything, then Kennedy started laughing. “I think that’s a no.” “Enough lessons already. We don’t want to miss our flight,” Rose said. Kennedy shot out of bed. “No, we definitely do not. I mean, Oklahoma, I love you, but, Boston, I’m coming home.” –––––––––– I scanned the room that the three of us had shared, empty of our belongings, ready for the next unsuspecting city girls. Had I checked the bedside cabinet? We were all packed up and about to head out. “Shit, I didn’t check the shower,” Rose said as she brushed past me. What was I going to do about the stones under my bed? I needed to slip them into Blake’s room. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do that without anyone seeing me. “Got it.” Rose held up her razor. As I came out of the bedroom, weighed down with luggage, I almost ran into Blake. “Hey,” he said, sweeping his hand down my arm, before jerking it away when Rose followed me onto the landing. “Let me help you with that.” He took my suitcase, brushing his fingers over mine as he took the handle. “Girls, leave your stuff there and I’ll take it downstairs.” “You’re kind, good looking with guns that could kill a man. Be careful, Blake, you’re an endangered species.” Kennedy winked and my stomach flipped. She was right. No doubt he had girls lining up around the block for him. Blake grinned but didn’t comment as he led the way downstairs with my suitcase.

We gathered by the front door, waiting to say our final good-byes before heading to the airport. I watched as Blake sprinted back up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He appeared seconds later with Rose’s bag. Now or never. “Crap, I didn’t check under my bed. Hang on a second.” Blake’s heat radiated over me from behind as he followed me up the stairs. When I got to the top, I whispered, “I want to give you something.” He grabbed me by the hips, spun me around and trailed his tongue along the seam of my lips. My knees fizzed and I started to lose my balance. Pushing my hands into his hair, I savored the last time I’d ever feel his skin, his warmth, his safety under my fingertips. The sound of a car horn broke us apart, and I took a deep breath, trying to steady my pulse. I placed my hand on his chest. “I actually do have something to give you.” I left him on the landing, went back into my bedroom, and pulled out the grocery bag from under my bed. When I turned, he was in the doorway. “Open it later.” I shrugged wondering whether or not I should have handed the stones over. “It’s just silly.” Maybe I shouldn’t have done this. In the cold light of day, it was too much, too sentimental. His eyes were wide as he took the bag from me. “I don’t know—” “I just wanted some way to—” “Mackenzie,” Kennedy called from downstairs. “Anyway. You’re great. I’m going to miss you.” I lifted up on my tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. “I was thinking about Boston,” Blake said, hesitating on the landing. He was always so sure when he was around me. So in control. But I could see doubt in his eyes. “If I end up there, we could meet up . . .” My mouth dropped open as he spoke. Meet up? Him. Me. More? I didn’t know if I was thrilled or terrified. He fixed his stare on my cheekbone almost as if he might be nervous to see my reaction. “You know, grab some dinner.” I didn’t answer and his eyes flicked to my mouth as he waited for a reply. How did I respond? I desperately wanted to fling my arms around him and say of course, but I knew I couldn’t, shouldn’t. I hadn’t even left Love Rehab yet and already the temptation of falling back into old patterns had begun. I shouldn’t get serious with every guy that came along. I’d learned that lesson. What I needed was to enjoy the journey, but keep my destination in mind. Blake was to be a perfect memory, evidence of how good it could be if I found the right guy. I couldn’t risk fucking that up. “You’ve decided, then? On Boston?” I asked. He took half a step back, his hand sliding from my hip. “I . . . no. But I think I’m going to go up and see some labs.” “Mackenzie!” Kennedy shouted. “Get down here.” Jeez, she could be impatient. I wanted to talk about this. Explain to him why it was a bad idea. Maybe have him convince me otherwise. Because I was supposed to be single for a while, right? Blake wasn’t the one I was allowed to walk off into the sunset with. Right? Raised voices at the bottom of the stairs caught my attention. “Mackenzie?” A voice I was all too familiar with echoed up toward us. Phil?

I glanced at Blake, rooted to the spot. I wanted to freeze time, stay on the landing with him, rather than go downstairs and face my past. “Where are you?” Kennedy asked as she climbed the stairs. “Is he . . .?” I couldn’t say his name. I didn’t want it to be true. Didn’t want him intruding on my perfect memory of Oklahoma and Blake. Her mouth pulled wide in a wince as she glanced at Blake. “Yeah. Looks like your fiancé wants you back.” I wanted to hit pause so I had time to get to grips with everything that was happening. Blake. Phil. My past, future and present. When I’d first arrived in Oklahoma, having Phil turn up at the ranch to declare his undying love was everything I could have wished for. I would have been happy just to receive a text from him. But now? Now he was here, at the bottom of the stairs. It was as if someone had rescued my burnt wooden plaque from the fire and offered me back my plan— my life before Love Rehab. Kennedy and I exchanged a loaded glance. There was so much to say, but neither the time nor the words. She squeezed my hand. She knew this wasn’t the graduation present I’d been hoping for. “You should go,” Blake said as he nodded. His gaze was on the floor, his expression bleak. He looked defeated. Was dinner in Boston really what he wanted? Did he want me? I needed to talk to him, leave things perfect between us. He glanced at Kennedy, then back at me and shook his head. “Good luck.” I watched as he turned and headed into his room. I wanted to go after him, pepper him with questions, ask him his advice on what to do when a hot guy suggested dinner but you’d only known him a few days but suspected he might just change your whole world. Was it real? Was it enough? Was he the ultimate test of my resolve of my commitment to lead a different life? If I could say no to him, surely it was proof that Love Rehab had changed me and I could be happy in the future. Kennedy grabbed my shoulder, smiling. “This is it, Mackenzie. Phil coming here. Don’t you see?” “What?” I couldn’t follow her train of thought. I was so lost in seeing Blake walk away from me. Kennedy grabbed my other shoulder, holding me at arm’s length as she grinned. “Phil’s giving you your second chance.” My stomach churned. A second chance with a man who I didn’t love? “You think I should get back together with Phil?” I asked. “No, you dummy. He’s giving you a second chance at raising the horse’s leg. It’s your chance to put into practice what you’ve learned this week. Go tell him how you feel.” I tipped my head back and stared at the ceiling. She was right. This was the ultimate test. Could I put my needs first? Could I ask for what I wanted? Could I truly give up on my plan and live what I’d learned at Love Rehab? I nodded and we headed down the stairs. Phil was waiting for me at the bottom, clutching a bouquet of roses. My stomach dropped and twisted. He looked like a mirage I could see but never touch. “There she is. Surprised to see me?” he asked. Surprised didn’t come close. I forced a smile. Phil looked so out of place, his clothes too perfect, the gel in his hair unnecessary and his grin a little too wide, as if it took all his energy. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, he handed me the roses. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I’m here to say I’m sorry.” He pulled me into a hug. “I don’t know what to say. I’ve been a fool and dumbass. I should never have let you go.” “How did you find me?” I asked as I gently untangled myself from him. Everyone busied themselves loading luggage into Barrett’s truck, conspicuously not listening to Phil and me. “I was worried when I couldn’t get ahold of you, so I called your mother. She told me how much you’d like to see me, so I decided to come down and rescue you.” My head whirred as he spoke. I didn’t need rescuing. I couldn’t get the words out. “Am I forgiven?” he asked, a smattering of doubt crossing his face. The urge to make him happy overwhelmed me. Years of molding myself to someone else’s tastes, of not asking for what I wanted, for suppressing my own needs and desires threatened to overtake everything I’d learned in the last few days. “Of course.” What else could I say after he’d come all this way? And it was true, he was more than forgiven. If he hadn’t called off the engagement, I would have never understood why marrying him wouldn’t have made me happy. Or seen the possibilities that life had to offer, that love had to offer. I wouldn’t have met Blake. Being with him showed me everything I wanted for my future. Phil’s expression and familiarity indicated that he thought the decision was made, that I’d be happy, even grateful, that he wanted to make things work. This was it. This was where I was supposed to ask for what I wanted. Where I’d use everything I’d learned over the last couple of days and tell him that he’d been right when he’d said he didn’t know me. “You’re right,” I said. “We do need to talk.”

Mackenzie “It’s good to see you,” Phil said as we pulled out onto the main road outside the ranch. Before I’d climbed into Phil’s rental, I’d swapped numbers and email addresses with Brianna and promised to keep her posted with my progress. As I’d hugged her good-bye, I’d kept my eye on the staircase, hoping for a last glimpse of Blake, but he’d disappeared. “I didn’t know if you’d want to see me.” Phil reached across the console for my hand. “You know after . . .” After he’d broken off our engagement. Dumped me on a public street minutes after I stood in my wedding dress. After he told me he didn’t know me. Didn’t love me. I evaded his hand and slid my palms along my thighs. “You did the right thing.” “No, Mackenzie.” His eyes darted between the road and my face. “I was an idiot and I’m so sorry. Things were moving so fast and I just panicked.” “But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right decision. It was and I see that now.” Phil’s eyebrows pulled together as he followed Barrett’s truck, Kennedy and Rose sitting in back, down the two-lane highway. “You see what now?” “That calling off the wedding was the right decision,” I said, calm and secure in the knowledge that ending our relationship was the right thing to do. “What, after a few nights in a different state, you’ve decided you don’t want to get married?” I rolled down the window, wanting to soak up the last of Oklahoma’s magic from its warm breeze. I turned to Phil. “You were right. You didn’t know me. And that’s not your fault. It’s mine.” The curtain had been lifted and there was no going back. I’d rather be on my own with the hope of something real than with Phil, living in the certainty of the fact that I’d never be the woman I could be. “Of course I know you, Mackenzie. I love you.” He flipped down the visor, as if it were the sun and not me irritating him. “I love seafood,” I said abruptly. He shot me a sideways glance. “You hate seafood.” “No, you hate seafood. I love it. I pretended I didn’t to make you happy.” It sounded ridiculous saying it out loud. As if liking seafood would have ended things between us. How could I have thought I could be happy when my world was built on such shaky foundations? When at every turn I denied the person I really was? “What are you talking about? You told me you never ate it.” “I know.” I tipped my head back on the rest. “It’s not your fault that you don’t know me. It’s mine. I never gave you a chance.” “Okay, well, I don’t care that you like seafood.” I looked at him and smiled. I should have put more trust in Phil—maybe we could have made it. If I’d let him in, dared to be me, it might have worked. But it was too late now.

“I want you to be yourself,” he said. A sharp pain pierced my gut. My previous boyfriends had all thought they were with their perfect girl, because that’s what I’d shaped myself into. It wasn’t their fault that they hadn’t known me. It was entirely mine. “I’m sorry. I’ve had some growing up to do. Still do.” I had nothing to lose by being honest with Phil. “I’ve been afraid to share too much, scared you wouldn’t like the person I am.” Phil opened his mouth to speak, but I lifted up my finger to stop him. I didn’t need any incentive not to tell him the whole truth. “I wanted you to fall in love with me so badly that I worked hard to be a woman you could fall in love with. Does that make sense?” Phil glanced at me, the ridge between his eyes getting deeper, and his jaw tightened. “What are you saying, that you faked it?” He smacked his clenched fist on the door. “You faked our relationship?” I took a deep breath. This wasn’t the best conversation to have while driving, but I couldn’t stop now. “I just wanted to make you happy.” It was how my mother had always been with my step-father— the woman she thought he wanted. She’d done what she needed to do, but my circumstances were different. I had the luxury of being myself. “And not just you. All my boyfriends. But it was always at the expense of who I was. You helped me see that.” I rested my hand on his outstretched arm. “Now, I just want to be me. I want someone to like me, love me, marry me for who I am. I want to be able to order the octopus and not worry what you’ll think.” “I don’t give a shit what you order.” He sighed and gripped the steering wheel with both hands. I smiled. “It’s more than just seafood. You were right. You don’t know me well enough to ever have loved me.” I’d never offered any of myself to him. I’d never given him my opinion, told him about my preferences. My likes. My passions. I’d only ever done that with Blake. “So what does that mean for us?” Phil clicked his jaw, and I wilted in my seat. I wasn’t used to men being frustrated with me. Memories of my father shouting at my mother before he left flashed through my head, threatening my newfound resolve. But I wasn’t a child anymore and Phil wasn’t my father. “I’m sorry. It means there is no us.”

Blake I’d finally grown a pair of balls and suggested dinner to Mackenzie when I came to Boston for my next meeting with ARK. I’d hoped for a yes, had been willing to risk a no. Instead I got deflection, a non-answer. Had she hesitated before Kennedy shouted for her? Or was I imagining it? I replayed the scene in my head and my jaw locked. She’d had a chance to say yes before Phil arrived. Which meant I’d gotten a no from a people pleaser. She hadn’t been able to say the words and risk upsetting me. Heat filled my veins and I smacked the window frame with my fist. I’d only been something to fill her time in Oklahoma, which would have made sense if we hadn’t felt like so much more to each other. I was sure she knew that, felt the connection. Her reaction just hadn’t added up. Had she been playing me? Maybe I’d read this wrong and Mackenzie just wanted to get back with her fiancé, take the easy way out. I shook my head at her weakness. Maybe she’d learned nothing at all from her stay and she’d just go back to the same old patterns, and make the same old mistakes. I began to pace across my bedroom floor. I couldn’t believe she was playing me. Then why hadn’t she said yes? I’d had plenty of time last night to suggest we keep in touch, perhaps see each other again. Why had I left it to this morning? I should have spoken up sooner. But I’d wanted to keep things in the here and now for as long as possible, and now I was paying the price. I pushed my hands through my hair. If I’d mentioned it last night, we could have talked through any fears or concerns she had. I shouldn’t have dropped it on her. Maybe she’d been worried that I’d fail with her as I had previous women? I could have explained how she was different. It was too late now. I needed to get out of here, start packing, focus on my future. This trip hadn’t provided the clarity I’d hoped. The drive back to Oklahoma City would help me put Mackenzie to the back of my mind and concentrate on what mattered most—my career. I scanned my room for my suitcase. Where had I left it? At the foot of my bed I noticed the brown paper grocery bag Mackenzie had given me. I shot across the room and grabbed it, noting its weight as I picked it up. I’d been so intent on listening to Mackenzie and Phil, and then watching them drive off, I’d totally forgotten about the gift. I unfolded the brown paper and reached inside, feeling around. Rocks? She’d given me a bag of rocks? I pulled one out and flipped it over in my palm. The way you notice everything. Words in black Sharpie were talking about me. I smoothed my fingers over the stone. Did I? Did I notice everything about her? Had I been wrong to think that she felt what I did? Normally I was criticized by women for not giving them enough attention. But Mackenzie seemed to live in vivid detail in my mind even when I wasn’t with her. It was as if she’d been scorched permanently into my brain. Something told me it was going to take me more than a drive back to the city to forget her.

I placed the stone on the bed, sat down and pulled out another. Your tight butt. I chuckled, my anger and frustration ebbing away as I remembered the delicious feel of her fingertips pressing into my ass. On the night after they’d all done the exercise with the stones, I stood in front of her naked and told her it was okay to like my body, okay to want me like that. And now, here she was, being bold, telling me all the things she liked about me. My stomach churned. Why hadn’t she just said yes to dinner? I reached into the bag and grabbed another. You want to change the world. That was the thing I liked most about her but she saw that in me? It was true that I wanted to make a difference, and now I saw that if I wanted to fulfil that aim, it involved going to Boston. She’d helped me see that. I just had to decide if my ambition was strong enough to let me walk away from everything in Oklahoma City. I took out another. You love your family. She’d done all this for me. She must have realized that what there was between us deserved more than just a few days. How could I have just let her walk away without giving me an answer? I should have at least heard a no from her—a decision. You make me feel safe. I smiled. I would protect her from anything. Your beautiful body. She had the most beautiful body I’d ever touched, tasted, enjoyed. And my body responded to hers as if they were two pieces of the same puzzle that fit together perfectly. Every touch, every quiet moan, sliced into me as if it were energy I needed to survive. I pulled out the final rock. Your heart. It felt like she’d taken it with her. None of this made any sense. I shook my head at the stones strewn across my bed. What did these mean? It felt as if the stones were her way of telling me she wanted to see me again, but then why hadn’t she said so? I picked up each stone again, unable to contain my grin. Again, I ran through our last moments together on the landing. She’d given me the bag before her ex had arrived, so would her answer to my suggestion of dinner have been different if we’d not been

interrupted? Would she have found the courage to say yes? I’d willed our time together to slow down but instead it had sped up, and before I knew it, her luggage was being loaded into the truck and she was driving off with her no-longer-ex fiancé. That she wasn’t mine, I might be able to accept, but that she was going back to someone she couldn’t be herself with stung. I’d never realized until Mackenzie that I could feel pain because someone else was unhappy. I wanted to bear her pain so she didn’t have to. It bit into my chest as if it belonged to me rather than her. Was this what love felt like? Surely if it were anything less it wouldn’t hurt so much. For the first time in my life, I loved a woman. Loved Mackenzie, and yet just stood there, watching her walk away from me with another man. There was a knock on my door and I threw the bedcovers over the stones. “Come in,” I said. Brianna appeared holding a small pile of laundry. “Mom wanted me to give you this.” She handed me the clothes. They smelled like summer flowers, like Christie. “And hey, we’re done. They’ve all left.” She clapped her hands. “They were a good group, right?” I nodded as she took a seat in the rocking chair by the window. “I was about to shower.” I needed to process this stuff with Mackenzie. I wanted to be alone. I pulled out my suitcase from on top of the closet and threw a pair of sneakers in the bottom. “Thanks for your help with it all,” she said, ignoring my invitation for her to leave. I hoped she didn’t want to talk. “It was great having you around. You driving back to the city today?” I nodded as I opened the chest of drawers under the window and took out my socks and a pair of jeans. “Okay then, let’s talk.” “Not now, Brianna. I need to shower and I’m guessing you don’t want to see my junk.” “You’re guessing right, so keep your underpants on while we chat, dumbass.” I rolled my eyes. Maybe I should skip the shower. I wanted to get on the road as soon as possible. If I got some distance between me and Christie, maybe the idea that I loved Mackenzie would start to fade. Brianna traced the edge of the chair with her thumb. “I just wondered if you’d had time to think about all the stuff we did with the girls? Love Rehab, as they called it.” What was she getting at? It wasn’t like Brianna to fish for compliments. Was she just trying to lull me into a false sense of security before talking to me again about my future? “I thought it was good. Well organized. It’s nice that you want to help them, and I think it worked for some of them.” The trip seemed to have fundamentally changed the way Mackenzie saw herself. That was until Phil had turned up. “I just hope your magic doesn’t leave them when they return home.” “Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. But there’s rarely an easy fix. People will still make the wrong choices, but I hope I’ve given them a glimpse into what they may have been missing and what they’re capable of. Sometimes it takes a while to put it into practice.” Would Mackenzie realize that going with Phil wasn’t the right decision, it was just the easy route? “And what about you? You learn anything about facing your fears and reexamining your goals?” she asked. I rubbed my brow, my head full of all the things I had to think about. I shrugged. “Look, I know I was hard on you before, but I don’t want you to let fear stop you from getting everything you want in life.” Brianna sat forward in her chair, resting her chin on her hands. I turned to face her. “I know. I get that. Maybe I am looking for the easy route.” If I chose Oklahoma, would I be guilty of what Mackenzie had done by going with Phil?

Brianna looked out of the window. “It takes real bravery to give up what’s safe. It’s hard. But the higher you reach, the better the view. It’s true in all aspects of our lives—love and career.” “It’s such a big risk.” “Boston? So is Oklahoma City. Because it isn’t the life you really want, but it’s the pattern you’re comfortable with. And comfortable can be good but I’m not sure it can be great, not for you. You’re gonna have to take a risk to get what you deserve.” She was right. Oklahoma City was exactly as she described—good but not great. And likely it would never change, never give me the opportunity to do what I wanted to do. Maybe Boston wasn’t that place either, but at least I wouldn’t have given up the fight. I’d still be aiming high. “You’re right.” Without realizing it, Mackenzie’d left me one final gift. By leaving with Phil she’d shown me what not to do. I realized that staying in Oklahoma would be the easy way out for me. It wouldn’t get me what I wanted. I scrubbed my hands over my face. Even if Mackenzie didn’t have the strength to choose the risky route, I did. I wasn’t going to be the one leaving Christie to go backwards. I wanted to move forwards, reach higher. Saying no to something because I lacked courage wasn’t who I wanted to be. “Does that mean you’re choosing Boston?” she asked. I took a deep breath and I nodded. “It does.” When Mackenzie had asked me to imagine turning down the Boston job, my world turned black. Now I’d decided to say yes, I felt lighter and full of energy. It was the right decision. It had just taken a while to see that. Brianna grinned and slapped her hands onto the arms of her chair. “Sounds like you’ve made up your mind. Maybe Love Rehab worked for you, too.” Maybe. Brianna stood and made her way to my bedroom door. “Anyway, you stink, so get in the shower. Mom’s making pancakes.” “Well, then you’d better leave unless you do want to see my junk.” “You’re disgusting but I love you.” I grinned at her. “I love you, too.” She headed out the door. “And Brianna?” Her head popped around the frame. “Yeah?” “Thank you,” I said. She smiled. “Anytime.”

Blake The early hours in Boston were so quiet, the city felt like a sleepy village rather than the busy metropolis it changed into in the day. Today was no different. Since arriving from Oklahoma, every day the temperature dropped a few degrees and this morning I pulled on my only long-sleeved running shirt. I’d need to buy some new clothes. Nothing from Oklahoma would see me through a Boston winter. I’d deliberately chosen a rental apartment on the water, and about as far away from the Harvard campus as possible. The place hadn’t even been built when I’d lived here last. I was sure I’d enjoy the view if I was ever home long enough to appreciate it. I wanted Boston to be different this time. Of course the lab I’d found was all the way across town and I’d started running to work each morning before the sun came up. Each day I took a different route, getting to know the city I’d thought I would hate. Turns out it was beautiful. And days like today, when it was as if I had the city to myself, I wanted to run to Mackenzie’s place and have her share it with me. When I’d first started to run, the silence was like a white flag of surrender to thoughts of Mackenzie, but now I listened to podcasts and audio books. They gave me some defense from the constant rumination. As I arrived outside the lab, I pulled out my earphones, wound them around my phone and took the keys from the pocket of my shorts. Instead of it feeling easier every day, I felt the loss of her more clearly as each day passed. I’d known her for five days and she’d left Christie, Oklahoma several weeks ago. I had no right to still be thinking of her. It didn’t make any sense that I’d still be wishing she’d taken me up on dinner or even now wondering what it would be like if we were dating, here in Boston. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be spending so much time at work. As I unlocked the door to the lab, the catch clunked, the mechanism fitting together perfectly. Everything about this place was good. It fit. Everything since moving to Boston had worked. Coming back had been the right decision. I had no complaints, just a dull ache for a woman that wouldn’t go away. I kicked off my running shoes and headed for the shower. It was five-thirty. I was later than usual. I stepped under the hot spray and grabbed the shower gel. I’d managed to recruit a small but brilliant team who worked nearly as hard as I did. But I was always the first to arrive at the lab and the last to leave. The results we’d had up to this point were more than promising. I was on my way to having everything I’d dreamed about. Almost. I may have to work a little harder but I was determined that at some point in the future, I would only rarely remember Mackenzie’s full lips, her round ass. I’d learn to let go of the sweet way she asked me to kiss her, or the knowledge I’d been the only man to have really known her. I turned off the shower, quickly toweled off and dressed. It was in the lab that I could block her out most easily. It was one of the reasons I spent so many hours at work. Fighting off thoughts of her exhausted me. Some days I was so angry at her for not turning away

the man who didn’t know her, who had dumped her while she was shopping for wedding dresses. Other days, I missed her and the way she looked bathed in the Oklahoma moonlight. Today I was disappointed she’d not had more strength to take what she’d learned about herself in Christie and use it to chart a course that was more likely to make her happy. I switched on the coffee machine and my computer and went to check the cultures that had been left overnight. Everything looked good. Perfect even, almost. I’d love to show Mackenzie the progress we were making. Her smile would look good around here. I sat down at my computer with my coffee and coconut juice, ready to settle in to another sixteenhour day. I scanned my emails and then opened up the presentation I was trying to put together for ARK, giving them an update on how I was spending their money and what our preliminary results were. There was nothing they would be disappointed with, but I had to make sure the presentation was as successful as the lab work was. Looking back, the decision to come to Boston should have been easier. Even though I’d only been here a few weeks, I couldn’t imagine my life any other way. I’d taken a leap of faith and so far I’d been rewarded. I had begun to bury the ghosts of failing here as a student and for the first time in a long time I was in a place where I knew I was doing all I could. I was challenging myself and aiming for something big. “Have you been here all night?” Alison, the lab assistant, asked as she walked through the door. I checked the clock. Where had the last few hours gone? “You’re early,” I replied, searching through the menu of the PowerPoint presentation desperately trying to find an easy fix for this video. “You know what they say about the early bird.” “It gets eaten by the coyote?” I grinned and glanced sideways as Alison stared over my shoulder, her face scrunched up as she reviewed the screen. “Bless your heart, how have you managed to make that graph look so ugly?” I chuckled at Alison’s Texan accent that came out every now and then, usually when she was insulting someone. It reminded me of Brianna. Having someone from my part of the world around had been a good addition to the team. She was a hard worker and we had a lot in common. We’d both been to UT, although she’d been a couple of years behind me. I shrugged. “It’s a special skill.” I was terrible at putting together presentations. My public speaking ability was fine, but the slides always seemed to baffle me. “Move over. This will never do.” Within seconds, Allison had embedded a video I’d been struggling to do for the past two days. “You didn’t answer my question. Have you been in here all night?” she asked. I shook my head “No, just a couple of hours.” More precisely, three. “Has anyone told you that you need to get out more? Just a little bit?” I pushed my hands through my hair. “Yeah, I know. We just have to get this presentation done and get to the point where we can start some kind of peer review and then I’ll have more time.” I was now responsible for my team and not just me, and although that was exciting, it was also more pressure. I wanted this for them too. I stood behind Alison as she worked, quickly making fonts change color, shifting the sizes of graphs. “I think you need to add the reference here,” she said pointing to some research that had been done in the early nineties. “You’re right. Let me find it.” I needed my books from college. I stood and glanced around. Had I unpacked them yet? “So if you’re going to have more time after this presentation,” she said, but stayed fixed on the

monitor, “how about we take the boat to P Town this weekend? They’re having some kind of festival on Saturday. We could go, get drunk, maybe dance a little.” I shifted my gaze to Alison’s face as she turned and looked at me from under her eyelashes. Oh. She was asking me out. On a date. I liked that she’d put herself out there. She didn’t seem to have any problem going after what she wanted. Maybe I should say yes. There was no doubt she was a catch. Funny, smart as whip and pretty. We had similar backgrounds; we’d both grown up on a ranch and escaped to the city. She was a great girl. She just wasn’t Mackenzie. Squeezing the back of my neck, I said, “I think you’re great, Alison, but office romances don’t tend to work out for me.” “Hell, it was worth a try.” She shrugged and turned her attention back to the presentation. “I can’t believe you’re single and not banging anything with a pulse.” I chuckled. “Maybe I am,” I replied. Did I need to start dating? “I don’t think so, mister. You’re at work too much. Do you have a type?” She laughed just as the door burst open. “What are you two laughing about?” Dave, the other biochemist, asked. I’d looked him up when I got back to Boston. I’d been at UT with him and he was one of the cleverest people I knew. He’d agreed to come on board without much persuasion. He was constantly seeking a new challenge. “Tell me those cultures look good.” His hair stood on end and his forehead creased. He looked genuinely angry. I glanced at Alison, who was laughing at Dave. She didn’t seem too offended by me turning her down and I was relieved. I wouldn’t want anything to shift in our team dynamic. It was just so easy between all of us. “Calm down, dude, they’re fine. I’ve checked on them twice this morning already,” I replied. What I liked about Dave and the rest of the team was that they really cared about what they were doing. Sure, they’d all get a nice bonus if this thing came off, but I got the impression they’d all work for free as long as the project was right. “Okay, so everything’s good?” Dave asked. With people like this in Boston, how could I have ever felt like an outsider? “Yeah, now I’m in charge of the PowerPoint there’s hope we’ll all still have a job this time next week. Thank God for me.” Alison chuckled. “Who let you loose on the presentation?” Dave asked me, looking at my screen. “Don’t you start. What were we saying, Alison?” I started to check various drawers around the lab. “I was asking you about your type. Maybe I could make a single friend of mine very happy. What kind of girl gets your attention?” Red hair. Smooth, creamy skin that smells of lilac. An open heart belonging to someone who wants to make a difference. And a fabulous ass. “Did you see my Lehninger?” It was a textbook I’d had since undergrad. “I want to check a reference in this presentation.” “Nope,” Alison said. “Nah, mine’s at home,” Dave replied, his head in the fridge.

I started opening the desk drawers. Shit. Where had I put it? I stood and headed toward the three boxes stacked by the door. It was the stuff I’d not unpacked yet from Oklahoma. I ripped off the packing tape from the box and flipped open the lid. Resting on the top of my books was a brown paper grocery bag. My pulse quickened. It was full of the stones Mackenzie had given me. I’d forgotten they were in here. I should throw them away. Move on. I had a new life. Except now I wanted more. Now I knew what love was. I was just waiting for this obsession with Mackenzie to dissolve. But she’d burrowed deep inside my soul and seemed content to stay there. I’d let her walk away without pressing for an answer, and now I shared the same city with her and I still sat passively by, hoping that these thoughts of her would disappear. But they wouldn’t. Not while I didn’t want them to. Not while I still loved her. “Did you find it?” Alison asked as I stared into the bag. I glanced up at her. If I couldn’t even contemplate dating a girl like Alison—a sweet, kind, attractive girl that on paper was perfect for me —then there was no one for me. No one else. “No,” I replied as I refolded the bag. I needed to take a positive step like I had by moving to Boston for my career. There was no room for fear or rejection any longer. I knew what I wanted and I had to shoot for it. Nothing Mackenzie could say to me could make me feel worse, and if I saw her again . . . I stuffed the bag back in the box, spun around and grabbed my phone from the desk. I headed into the corridor to make a call. I pressed dial against my sister ’s number and in two rings, she’d answered. “Brianna? I need you to do something for me . . .”

Mackenzie “You like it here?” my mother asked, sitting forward on her chair and glancing around the busy dining room as if she were about to get mugged. “We love it here,” Rose said. We’d never been to this place before. The three of us usually did brunch at a local place near Kennedy’s apartment, but as my mother was coming today, I’d picked a place I thought she’d like. I’d not seen much of my mother since returning from Oklahoma. I’d been dodging her calls because she kept wanting to talk about Phil. But that couldn’t go on forever. It felt like having the long overdue conversation with her was the next step in getting on with my future. Brunch at a fancy place where she couldn’t make a scene seemed like a good idea. Kennedy and Rose were here for moral support. The clatter of dishes echoed around the room, merging with the chatter of the diners, and it took my mind off the stilted conversation at our table. “You don’t like it?” I asked. It was hardly a student dive. It was in the center of the city and the high ceilings, Victorian moldings and oil paintings that hung around the dining room gave the place a traditional, high-end vibe. I thought she’d like this place. My mother raised one eyebrow. “I’m sure the food is just fine.” She moved her purse to her lap as if a waiter might snatch it. “So I spoke to Phil yesterday,” my mother announced, glancing around the room. I sank into my chair. I’d hoped we’d be at least a mimosa down before this conversation. “He seems to think that it was your idea not to reconcile.” My mother laughed. “I told him that couldn’t possibly be true. I know how you feel about him. And how much you want to get married.” She raised her eyebrows and leaned towards me. “I told him I was meeting you today to talk some sense into you.” Rose squeezed my hand under the table. My stomach churned. Having the conversation with Phil when he’d flown all the way to Oklahoma hadn’t been this hard. I never made a decision that my mother didn’t approve of. I didn’t know how to tell her no. But I was determined to dive in head first. “Mom.” I took a deep breath. “Phil’s not right for me.” “Phil”—she pointed at me as she spoke, her mouth tight—“is a good man. You could do a lot worse. And he’ll always take care of you. He’s loyal. He’d never leave.” “I know he’s great. And you’re right, I could do a lot worse but—” “And with his job, you needn’t even work.” “But I want to work.” I didn’t work because I had to. She wasn’t listening. “If you act quickly, go see him and don’t mess things up again, you might still have a chance at a bright future.” “You don’t think my future’s bright without Phil?” “You don’t have to find out, darling. I think if you’re prepared to make it up to him, then things can get back on track.” I slumped forward, my elbows on the table, my head in my hands. “But I don’t want things back on track. Not with Phil.”

“Get your elbows off the table. You were not brought up by wolves,” my mother snapped. I took a deep breath and sat back, placing my hands in my lap. “I’m saying, marrying Phil gives you choices.” She scanned down the menu, but I could tell by the way her fingers grasped the paper that she was trying not to explode at me. “I don’t need to marry Phil to have choices.” I didn’t know how to convince her. Had she forgotten I’d gone to college? And she’d encouraged me. “You gave me the choices I have when you helped me fill in all those forms to get my scholarship to Wellesley.” She’d never gone to college but she’d encouraged me to apply for the best places, convinced we’d find a scholarship from somewhere. She’d stayed up all night, reading through all the forms to make sure each one was perfect. I’d thought she was crazy, being controlling as ever—almost as if the applications had been hers, not mine. But I’d gotten in. Our goals had been aligned then. “I love you, mom. And I know you’re trying to do what you think is best. And I appreciate it. I really do. But I’m all grown up and I need you to let me decide what will make me happy. If walking away from Phil is the wrong thing, then I want you just to watch me do it and be there if it goes wrong.” “I’m always here for you.” She put down her menu and fiddled with the stem of her water glass. “I just don’t want to see you upset and—” “I know, but I need to do this. And I know you don’t understand it and I know you’d make a different decision. But I just need you to support me.” I took a breath. “I don’t want to marry Phil. I’d rather be on my own for my whole life than be with someone just to be married.” I glanced across at Kennedy, who’d almost lost her eyebrows they were so high up her forehead. Kennedy might be shocked, but this wasn’t a new revelation to me. By telling Phil I didn’t want to marry him, I’d lifted that horse’s leg, graduated Love Rehab and there was no way I was about to go backwards. The waitress interrupted us as she came to take our orders. I felt horrible for dragging Rose and Kennedy here. First to Oklahoma and now to this showdown with my mom. They really were the best ever girlfriends. After the waitress had collected our menus, my mother leaned across the table and whispered, “It’s not exactly as if you’ve got other options. If not Phil, then who? You’re about to turn thirty. If you’re not careful, you’re going to have no one to take care of you, no one to rely on.” Her words melted over me and seeped into my brain. No one to take care of me? Phil would never leave me? Rose patted my hand as I stared at my mom but I didn’t need comforting. I leaned back in my chair, my heart heavy for the woman who sat across from me. I realized now that as much as my mother was controlling and overbearing, it was because she didn’t want me to make the mistakes she had. She wanted me to marry a man that wouldn’t abandon me and our children. She wanted me to have a better life, just as she’d done when she’d helped me with my scholarship applications. Even now she wanted me to be protected and happy and getting married was how she thought it could happen. Our goals for me were still the same. But now our solutions were a little different. My anxiety lifted and I smiled. I was no longer scared I wouldn’t please her. “I didn’t realize it until today, but with you making the choices you did—to remarry so we were financially taken care of, to tell me that of course I could go to Wellesley—you’ve let me do this. It means I don’t have to marry a man I don’t love. And I’m grateful to you.” My mother stared into her glass, stock still. Was I about the get her water over my head? Was she

about to have a stroke? “Well,” my mother said. “You know I’ll always love and support you, no matter your choices. I just hope you don’t regret it.” She twisted in her seat, speaking as if she half hoped I wouldn’t hear her and wanted to make sure I did at the same time. I reached for my mother ’s hand across the table and her eyes filled with tears. “I love you,” she whispered, still staring at her drink. Finally, she glanced up at me but before I could reply her phone rang, and she dug through her purse to find it. I’m sorry, I mouthed at Rose and Kennedy. They both shook their heads and smiled. “Girls, I beg your pardon. You’re going to have to excuse me. That was Colin.” Her chair scraped against the ground as my mother stood. “He’s lost his glasses and he’s due to fly up to Toronto. I’m going to have to go and help him find them.” I wasn’t sure if my step-dad calling was a good excuse to leave a difficult situation, or whether she was so used to doing everything she could to please Colin that she didn’t think it was odd to leave halfway through a brunch with her daughter to go and find his glasses. Either way, I’d found the strength to tell her what I wanted and the sky had not fallen in. As my mother stood up, I felt nothing but admiration for her. And I could do nothing but love her for trying to protect me and give me a better life ever since my father left. She kissed Rose and Kennedy on the cheek as I stood to say good-bye. She leaned forward and, as she pressed her cheek to mine in a kiss good-bye, she whispered, “I’m so very proud of you.” My stomach clenched as I tried to hold down the tears. The three of us watched in silence as my mother left the restaurant. “Are you okay?” Rose asked when the door had closed. I nodded. “Yeah I really am.” “I thought we were going to witness a huge argument, drinks being thrown and hair being pulled,” Kennedy said. “I feel kinda cheated.” We all laughed. “I feel better. Good even. And not because I told her what I wanted. But because I understand her more. I think we both want the same thing for me. I didn’t get that until today.” “I think that deserves a celebration. Miss,” Kennedy called to the waitress. “Can we get a bottle of champagne?” “You want mimosas?” the waitress asked. “My friend’s allergic to citrus. So just the champagne,” Kennedy replied. I managed to stifle the giggle until the waitress left. “Who’s allergic?” Rose asked when the waitress had left. “No one,” Kennedy and I chorused. “We’re trying to avoid being judged for drinking before noon,” Kennedy explained. “And we’re celebrating single Mackenzie.” Phil was in my past and there wasn’t even a small part of me that regretted that. I knew I’d never look back. And neither would he. Our bond wasn’t deep enough to have left a permanent scar. How could either of us have thought we’d last forever? The waitress arrived at our table with the champagne, poured three glasses. “I bought a new oven,” I announced and I tipped back the glass of champagne, gulping down the taste of apples and air. “A new oven? How come?” Rose asked. “You never use your oven.” Kennedy took a sip of her drink. I shrugged. “I know. Now I might.” I wanted to fix what was broken in my life and I wanted to stop

thinking of my place as something temporary, as my home only until I got married. Maybe I never would. My future was foggy; I couldn’t see yet how it was going to turn out. But that was okay. “I bought some herbs and planted them in these cute pots I got.” Kennedy looked at me suspiciously from over her glass. “So this is you trying to apply the things that we learned in Oklahoma?” “Yeah. I think it is.” Brianna had warned me it wouldn’t be easy, that I’d fail and I’d have to pick myself up and try again, but so far so good. Our food arrived and we tried to arrange the table so it didn’t look like the three of us had ordered four brunches. “Well, I’ve not slept with my boss,” Rose said with a smile that said Can you believe it? “And a guy from IT asked me out. I said no.” I was impressed. I’d never known Rose to turn down a date before. She always said that every guy deserved a first date. “Sounds like progress,” Kennedy said. “Oh yes, and I asked for a leave of absence from work,” I said putting pancakes on everyone’s plates. My confession was met with silence. I looked up, wondering if they’d heard me. They were both staring at me. “Can we get another side of bacon, please?” I asked the waitress. “A leave of absence?” Kennedy asked. “And do we really need more bacon? It looks like you have it covered.” The table was full of food. “You’re right. Can you hold that bacon but instead get some French toast?” “No.” Rose put her palm in my face. “I will not let you carb overload. You have to keep your nice ass if you’re going back on the market.” I looked Rose in the eye and tried to stuff an entire pancake in my mouth at once. Then I wished I hadn’t because I couldn’t chew properly. “Jesus. Have the French toast if it means I don’t have to see you chew,” Kennedy said. “This is such a celebration,” Rose said. “I think. What’s with the leave of absence? To help you get over Phil? I’m lost.” “No. I want to take three months to try and get my E-Summer school off the ground. I found someone to partner with on the techie stuff.” My laptop had had a meltdown that week and I’d spent the day in the basement with the IT guys trying to get it to work. The computer was unsalvageable, but I’d gotten to talking with the guy who was trying to fix it, sharing my ideas for the summer school program. “You did? Who?” Kennedy asked. “Andy. He’s just out of college and working in our IT department, but he has a gaming background.” “And you’ve done a business plan together? You’ve drawn up a partnership agreement? This has all happened so fast; I’ve not heard about anything.” Kennedy’s words tumbled out. I swallowed another mouthful of pancake. “Nope. None of the above. He might not even be the right guy, but I really want to do it. I’ve been thinking about this thing for years and I’ve made zero progress. If I devote all my time to it for three months, then I figure that I’ll know if it’s going to work.” “And if it doesn’t?” I shrugged. I didn’t have a plan. I just knew I had to try. “You’re right, Rose. This is a celebration of the future Mackenzie Locke. I’m looking forward to getting to know her.”

I took another forkful of pancake and grinned. “And what about your love life? You going to start dating?” Rose asked. “Nope. I think I’m going to be single for a while.” I didn’t trust myself when it came to men. Not yet. I wasn’t sure I ever would. I’d become so good at making the wrong choices in relation to guys that I wasn’t sure I knew what the right ones even looked like. And I wasn’t ready to forget about Blake quite yet. I still had this tremendous pull toward him, and it didn’t seem to be lessening with the passing weeks. Since coming home I’d replayed him asking me to dinner a thousand times. If I’d said yes, would it have changed everything between us? Being with him had been so good, so imperfectly perfect, that I hadn’t wanted to ruin it by trying to make it something it wasn’t. I knew it could never be the beginning of my happily ever after. So I tried not to think about him. In the shower, I tried not to feel him soaping my body with his strong hands. When cooking, I tried not to think of him behind me, creating a buzz against my skin with his breath. When I was in bed, I tried not to imagine him on top of me, pushing his hands into mine as he watched me come. It just wasn’t working. I mourned the loss of the ache in my limbs that he’d created with his hands, his dick, his tongue. I missed him and it was only getting worse. Was he thinking of me? Was he doing all the things he did to me with someone else? “Well, you know what the single thing means,” Rose said, snapping me back to the here and now. “It means we can go boy shopping.” Kennedy and Rose high-fived each other. “Yes. Let’s go on Saturday. There’s a new place opening and I’ve snagged us tickets.” “Do we have to?” I groaned. “Brianna would approve of me being single.” “You can’t just transfer your people-pleasing tendencies from your mother to Brianna. What do you want to do?” Rose asked. Images of Blake grinning at me flashed into my head. I had to stop this fixation. “Okay. We’ll go —but I’m only window shopping.” I wasn’t ready for anyone to touch me after Blake. Not yet. Maybe not ever. –––––––––– “What about that guy?” Kennedy said as soon as we entered the bar. The floor and walls of the place were all white marble and the contrasting black glass bar ran along the entire length of room, right down the center. “I’m a sucker for tall blonds.” Was I sucker for tall blonds? “I don’t like super tall. Five ten works fine for me,” Rose said. “What about you, Mackenzie?” she asked over her shoulder as we followed her in the direction of the bar. The lights bathed the whole place in different neon colors every few seconds, and I wasn’t sure I wasn’t going to be throwing up by the end of the night as a result. I missed the silence of the Oklahoma mornings. Everything back in Boston seemed so loud and bright and tense. “Well, I like jocks—I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s bad for me, but hey, it’s how I’m programmed,” Kennedy said as the three of us lined up next to each other at the long bar to order drinks. “I don’t care whether or not they’re a jock. For me, it’s the way they hold you,” Rose said.

“There’s something about a guy that can just make you feel safe in his arms.” My heart thundered. That’s how Blake had made me feel. Protected. Safe. “No, you know it’s the real deal if they can handle your ugly cry,” Kennedy said. “Or if they hold your hair back when you’re sick,” Rose added. Blake had handled my ugly crying on more than one occasion. It hadn’t seemed to faze him. And something told me he’d hold my hair back while I puked and it would be no big deal. “He looks like the kind of guy who would do that.” Rose pointed at a tall, black-haired guy standing over by the door. The bartender poured out three shots of whiskey. I should have suggested tequila. Whiskey reminded me of Blake. Hell, everything reminded me of Blake. “I want a guy to keep me up all night because we just have so much to say to each other that we don’t want to sleep. Do you know what I mean?” Rose turned to me, her eyes pleading. I nodded. I knew exactly what she meant. “Him,” Kennedy said as she indicated over her shoulder with her thumb. “The one with the blue sweater, he’s the kinda guy that would go down on you until you couldn’t see straight. The unassuming types see giving out great orgasms as their job.” My face heated. That was how it felt with Blake. He’d wanted me to come as much as he’d wanted to come himself. “Or, remember that Andrew guy I dated?” Rose said. “He used to make me shiver with just a look. Wouldn’t it be great if we could cut and paste all the bits of different guys together to create the perfect one?” Blake had all those pieces though. My heart hurt with how much I wanted his fingers around my waist. With how much I wanted to lie naked in his arms, our legs tangled up together. With how badly I wanted to talk to him about his day. I wanted him to call me Red. I wanted him to make me come. He was the guy. My guy. I loved him. I downed my shot of whiskey as his hold over me grew stronger. I’d never longed for someone like I longed for Blake. I’d never purposefully tricked myself into feeling someone’s fingertips pressing into my skin, never wondered if I meant as much to someone as they meant to me. I was in love for the first time in my life. I’d learned a lot about myself at Love Rehab, but if Blake hadn’t been there, the lessons wouldn’t have been so clear. He helped me make sense of the exercises we completed, but also showed me how it was supposed to be. He created a safe space where I was allowed to ask for what I wanted. “So what’s your type?” Rose asked. “The men you’ve been with have all been so . . . different.” Kennedy elbowed Rose in the ribs. “She has to find out, dumbass.” But I didn’t have to find out, did I? I knew my type. “No, I maybe . . .” I hesitated. “Or . . .” Kennedy lifted her eyebrows. “Maybe she’s already found him.” She tilted her head. “Anything you care to share?” “Go on,” Rose said. “In fact . . .” Blake wasn’t the type of guy. He was the guy. “I think maybe you’re right. Maybe I have found him and I didn’t realize.” I couldn’t stop the grin from overtaking my face as I said it. “Stop,” Rose said. “Not again, Mackenzie. You’re not jumping into something else so soon.”

Repeating my mistakes was what I was most afraid of, and one of the reasons I’d not taken Blake up on his invitation to dinner. But now, having been apart from him for these weeks, my feelings growing stronger with every second that passed, the mistake seemed to be my saying no in the first place. Had he already been to Boston? Would he have made his decision between Boston and Oklahoma yet? Was it too late to say yes to dinner? “Blake . . . He was my one-night stand on that first night at Jimmy’s.” Rose’s eyes opened wide. “I didn’t realize he was going to be helping Brianna. But he was and before I knew it, our onenight stand became something more.” “I wondered when you were going to admit it,” Kennedy said. She’d known? I reached out for Kennedy’s hand. “And I know you’ve heard all this from me before, but honestly, Blake is the first man I’ve never tried to be anyone but myself with. He’s seen me full of snot and tears and he’s held me as if I belonged to him. He’s the cut-and-paste guy that you talked about before. All the good bits smushed into one person. The man who makes me shiver with a single look; the guy who helps me see my strengths and my flaws. I’m in love with him.” “But you love him? Like, really love him? This isn’t Mackenzie love; this is the real deal?” Kennedy asked. “The real deal,” I confirmed. I wasn’t sure I liked that she had a name for the way I’d fallen in love previously, but now was probably not the time to bring it up. “Have you been in contact all this time without telling us?” Rose asked and my heart sank. If only. “No, he asked me to dinner when he came to Boston, but I—we were interrupted when Phil arrived. And then I left . . .” Kennedy winced. It had been weeks, since we’d left Oklahoma. Anything could have happened. He might not want me. His invitation to dinner may have just been a polite way of saying “See you around.” Or he might have found someone else. The idea that Blake may be out of my life forever made me hurt all over. Blake had my heart. Oh Jesus. “So what’s your plan?” Rose asked as she tipped back her whiskey shot. “I don’t have a plan, remember? I burned it,” I replied. “Not having a plan just means you’re open to things and not deciding what you want because it fits into your plan. Not that you shouldn’t decide who you want and then go get him.” I was just supposed to go get Blake? I’d never done anything like that before. Blake would always be precious to me. I knew there was a space in my heart that would only ever belong to him, even if I never saw him again. And I missed him, every moment. But could I just go get him? “He’s probably moved on.” The words bit into my chest like poison. Could I convince him to answer my call, have dinner if he came to Boston, talk? “What do you have to lose by being honest with him?” Rose asked, stabbing the air with her finger. “If he’s that special, you need to fight for him, explain that you’re an idiot,” Kennedy said. I’d expected Kennedy to be all about moving on, encouraging me to have some meaningless sex with a stranger. Maybe she saw something different in me. I was in love with him. In love. For the first time ever in my life. Was I really about to not at least try to go get him?

My body started to buzz as my mind circled the edge of a decision. Brianna had told me to listen to my heart and my heart was shouting loud and clear. He was worth the risk of a mistake. Worth failing for. I grabbed another shot—I needed the courage. “I’m going to go.” I checked out the window to see if there were any cabs. “Don’t go. You’ll be miserable if you go home. Stay,” Rose said. “I need to get my man back.” I couldn’t wipe the grin from my face. “Yeehaw,” Kennedy screamed. “About time, too.” Rose did another shot and held up her empty glass. “Go get him, cowgirl.” –––––––––– I stared at the address I’d written down on the back of a napkin and then up at the modern apartment block in front of me. Brianna hadn’t questioned me about why I wanted Blake’s number and she’d also offered his address. Blake was in Boston. And I was standing outside his building, having just pressed the buzzer to his apartment. And I was waiting. And waiting. What had I been thinking, just turning up like this on a Saturday night? I’d wanted Blake right that second and before I knew it, whiskey brain and wishful thinking had taken over. But as I stared at the glass door, the entry phone silent, I realized I might have to be a little more patient. He was probably out. Maybe even with another girl. Alcohol and disappointment seeped into my legs. I leaned against the wall to stop myself from falling. Should I call him? I checked the rumpled piece of paper again. I had his cell number. I should call him. Now. Tomorrow, with no alcohol to bolster me, I might chicken out. I might decide not to call, despite wanting to, despite needing him. But it was starting to get cold, and my apartment was just a few blocks over. I’d head back to the warmth and call him. Leave him a voicemail. I thrust my hands into my pockets and began the walk home, trying to think up voicemail messages that didn’t sound batshit insane. How long had he been in Boston? I hated the thought that I’d wasted a minute without him. As I turned down my street, I passed a couple walking toward me, laughing, their arms clamped around each other. I turned as they walked past, watching them. Would Blake and I end up like that? Would he even answer my calls? “Mackenzie?” I nearly jumped out of my skin. The deep timbre was unmistakably Blake’s. What was he doing here? I stood still, a couple of yards from my apartment where Blake was leaning against the wall. As if he’d been waiting for me. “Mackenzie, are you okay?” he asked as he stepped toward me, registering the shock on my face. “It’s late. I can leave. I—” “I was just—” I pointed in the direction I’d just come from. Had Brianna told him I’d called? “I just went to your apartment.” Blake came closer, we were just a few feet apart, almost within touching distance. “You were at my apartment?” I nodded. “You weren’t there. But you’re here, apparently.” He stood on the sidewalk—alone. His face was just as I remembered, bronzed skin, dark stubble

and a gaze that pierced through me as if nothing was off-limits or hidden. “I am,” he said. “I wanted to see you and ask you—” I put my hand up to stop him. Before he said anything else, I needed to tell him. I had to ask him for what I wanted. “Is everything okay?” He reached out to touch me but stopped and my heart ached. I shook my head. “I’m just . . . I’m impatient.” “You’re impatient?” he asked as he pushed his hands into his pockets. I nodded, mesmerized by the confident way he moved that made me feel safe, even though he wasn’t touching me. “What are you impatient for?” Your kisses. Your body. You. “To get to the next part.” To know if I’d lost him. He narrowed his eyes, and I had to stop myself from reaching up to smooth out his eyebrows. “The next part?” “After we’ve talked and I’ve told you what I need.” I hadn’t rehearsed any of this, and I didn’t know where to start. I hadn’t expected to find his presence so distracting, to be quite as aware of what I had to lose. The words in my brain all competed to get out at the same time. “I should have answered your question. Before, back in Oklahoma.” Blake glanced at the ground and dragged his hand through his hair. “I was trying not to repeat my mistakes, but I’m still learning. So it’s taking a little time to get there.” I looked up from under my lashes. “Does that make sense?” I shivered, half cold, half anxious. “Let me give you my jacket.” Blake began to unzip his coat. I shook my head and smiled up at him. “A gentleman at heart.” “An uncowboy.” A familiar grin flickered at the corners of his mouth, then was gone. “Will your boyfriend mind you wearing another man’s jacket?” “I don’t have a boyfriend.” Blake’s chest rose as he inhaled. “Your fiancé, then.” I pulled his coat around me, wishing it were his arms. “No, Blake.” Why couldn’t I find my words? “I told Phil in the car ride to the airport that we weren’t right for each other. I’ve not seen him since.” Blake looked at me and I could see his mind whirring. Was that what he’d wanted to hear? “I shouldn’t have got into Phil’s car, but he deserved an explanation.” Blake nodded slowly, his eyes flickering from my mouth to my eyes. “I knew in my heart he wasn’t right for me. I’d always known it. The problem was what I felt for you was so different, unfamiliar; I didn’t realize what it was. My heart was telling me you were special but I didn’t listen.” “Mackenzie—” I put my hand up to silence him. The alcohol seemed to have left my body and my brain was clear and determined. “Please let me finish. I was hoping for more between us, but I didn’t want to slip into old patterns and I didn’t want to tarnish something that had been so perfect. Being with you showed me how good it could be. I thought if I had that memory, kept it preserved, it would give me hope. But that was stupid. No memory could ever be enough. It would only remind me of what I didn’t have. I wish I’d said yes to dinner. I wish I’d trusted my heart. Trusted you.” I took a breath.

“And now I know I don’t deserve you to say yes, but I wondered if you wanted to go out sometime.” There, I’d said everything I needed to. All my energy had gone into that rambled speech and I was exhausted and relieved and thankful to still have my heart in my chest. I stared up at him, waiting for him to say something. “I should have fought for you,” he said quietly. Fought for me? I gazed up at him. “I wasn’t sure what you wanted. I should have made my feelings clear when we still had time.” He reached out for me and this time he didn’t stop himself as he cupped my cheek and I leaned into his hand. “I was an idiot. And angry at you for not being strong enough to tell Phil what you wanted, but now I realize I never asked for what I wanted, either.” “What you wanted?” I looked at him. “Yes.” He nodded vigorously. “Oh God.” His face lit up. “You thought you were the only one who had to ask for what you needed. But don’t you see? I’m just as guilty.” His gaze bore into me. “I want you. And I never told you. I love you and I never said anything.” He loved me? He wanted me? Could this be happening? I let the words wash through my body. I’d heard them before but never from someone I loved back. “You want me?” He stroked his thumb over my cheekbone. “Since the moment I saw your ass bent over that jukebox in Jimmy’s, but more than that, I love you.” His hand left my face. “I just had to say it.” He took a step back and stared at his feet. “The being-in-love thing takes some getting used to, doesn’t it?” I asked and he met my eyes. “I love you, too. I—” There was no time to finish my sentence, to think about what was next because his fingers were in my hair and his mouth was on my lips and I was right where I needed to be. His tongue found mine, pressing and circling, joining us. Before Oklahoma, kissing had always just been . . . kissing. With Blake it was different, intimate, as if we were swapping secrets. I swept my hands up his arms, ensuring nothing had changed since I’d last pressed my skin against his. I slid my palms against his chest. His heart was racing, just as mine was. I took his hand and placed it over my chest. “I don’t know if it’s nerves or happiness.” My voice was breathy. “What do you have to be nervous about?” He trailed kisses down my neck. “You. What you’re thinking. Whether you’re going to break my heart. I’m not sure I’d survive it.” “I’m thinking about you—I only ever think about you. It’s relentless. You’ve taken me over. I constantly wonder where you are, what you’re doing, who you’re talking to, who you’re touching.” His hand smoothed down my body and between my breasts, lighting my skin on fire underneath my clothes. “Who’s touching you.” No one could ever touch me like he could. He tucked my hair behind my ear and kissed up my jaw. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” he whispered. This was what I’d been waiting for—the part that came after the talking. The part when he wanted me as much as I wanted him. The part where we were in love. “Let’s go inside,” I said. It was silly to be out in the cold when we were standing in front of my apartment. “Do you want a coffee? Or water?” I asked as I unlocked the door, Blake’s arms wrapped around

my waist. “No, just you. You look completely breathtaking in the Boston moonlight,” he said, leaning toward me, pulling me tighter before bending and kissing me below the ear. Any thoughts I’d had about whether it would be the same between us outside of Christie disappeared. It was as if we’d known each other for years and been lovers forever. “You smell like lilac still. I was hoping that wasn’t an Oklahoma thing.” “You’re still hot as hell. I was hoping that wasn’t an Oklahoma thing.” He smiled at me, holding my gaze as he put one hand to my lower back, pulling me toward him so our bodies were pressed together, his other hand rounding my ass. He dropped a small kiss on the corner of my lips. It was a good thing Blake had such a tight hold of me because the feel of him made my knees week and I drooped in his arms. I slid my hands down his torso and up his broad, hard back and he growled, his lips vibrating with the sound. Every muscle, tendon, bone in my body melted. It was like coming home. It felt right, as if this was how it was meant to be. He pulled away slightly and rested his forehead against mine. “I don’t want to push anything. Are we rushing?” I shrugged. He took that exact thought from my brain. How could I have ever thought it might be awkward between us? “I’m going to let go. Can you stand on your own?” Some men might have sounded arrogant, asking that question, but Blake came off concerned. He understood the effect he had on me. I was unable to hide it. I nodded again and he chuckled. It was as if I didn’t need to form words. He knew what I was. I’d never felt so cherished. Gently, he released me and I allowed my arms to drop from around his waist. He groaned as I stepped away. “This is what I mean. I always want more. How is that possible?” “It’s the same for me, too,” I replied. He nodded. “God, I’m an idiot. I’ve wasted so much time. I should have fought for you. I’m sorry. And—” I pushed my fingers against his lips to stop another apology. “I should have said yes to dinner. It’s in the past. Kiss me. I don’t want to wait any longer.” His smile spread under my hand as he bent toward me. I fumbled at his fly as he pulled at my top. We were all legs and arms, desperate to be stripped down to our skin, to be naked and pressed against each other. We moved toward the bedroom, undressing each other on the way, naked as we crashed through the door. His hands slipped down my back, and I shivered as he pressed me against him in exactly the way I knew he would and was desperate to feel. It felt so easy, so right. Like we fit in every way. “I can’t stop touching you,” he breathed into my ear as he ran his hands over my breasts, his fingers flicking my nipples and sending sharp spikes of pleasure coursing through my body. I leaned back onto the wall. “I don’t want you to.” I couldn’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t want—no, need—to be physically connected to him. I reached between us, skirting my palm down his hardened cock. He groaned and slammed his fist on the stucco behind me. “Fuck. I’ve waited so long.” I smiled. “It hasn’t been that long.”

His fingers traced my jaw and he looked into my eyes so intently it made me shudder. “It’s been forever. Don’t you see? I’ve been waiting my whole life for you.” I took a deep, jagged breath. I knew what he meant because I felt the same. It was as if everything before had been preparation for him. All my previous relationships had been just a warm-up to the real thing. “You get that, right?” he asked. I nodded. “I do.” He reached under my ass and brought my thighs up around his waist, and I rested my hands on his shoulders. He walked to the bed and laid us down, running his dick along my sex, teasing me, teasing himself. “Fuck, condom. My wallet is—give me a minute and I’ll—” “I’m on the pill. And I’ve never . . .” I didn’t want there to be anything separating us. He stared into my eyes. “I’ve never. Not with anyone. It’s a rule.” My stomach churned with disappointment, but in the next moment his tip nudged my entrance. “Blake, you just said . . .” “Not with anyone because I wanted to wait for the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with.” He plunged into me, pushing the breath out of me, his eyes not leaving mine. I was overwhelmed by his words, his body, the feeling of security that he enveloped me in. But I wasn’t surprised by what he’d said, because I felt it too. Somehow I knew we wouldn’t, couldn’t be separated again. Nothing could come between us. He dropped a kiss on my shoulder. “I love you.” And I knew he did—felt it in my every molecule. He started to move, surrounding me, filling my body and soul. “I love you,” I whispered back. He pushed into me, deeper this time, making me gasp. “I want to be closer,” he said. I understood. It was a physical need to become one person, to be all of him and all of me together. I pressed my fingertips into his shoulders, savoring the hardness of his muscles. His movements were small and tight and intense, our mouths open and on each other moving just every now and then. He pushed into me again and a dam of pleasure burst and crashed over my entire body. “Blake.” My legs shook and my sex started to pulse. “I love when you call out like that.” He rammed into me again and I could do nothing but cry out for him. “I’m here, Red. I’m not going anywhere. Never again.” His pace increased. It was all too much—his breath on my neck, his hands on my hips, his teeth on my skin, his dick filling me up. “I love you,” I cried out as I spiraled into my climax. I felt him explode just as I started to fall and his muscles tightened under my hands. “I love you.” His words, like his movements, were urgent and sharp, as if he had to say it, as if his heart hadn’t given him any choice. I smiled at him and he shook his head as he smiled and kissed me on the forehead. “You’re incredible,” he said. “You’re incredible,” I replied. “We’re together now.” It wasn’t a question. Just a statement of fact. We crawled up onto the pillows when we’d got our breath, Blake rolling to his side so we were facing each other. “This reminds me of Oklahoma, lying here like this. Except we don’t have to worry

about getting caught or being quiet.” We lay naked opposite each other, my fingers tracing the hard outline of his muscles, him smoothing his hands over my sides as we talked about nothing and everything. My fingers began to dip lower as my desire for him kicked in and his hands found my sex. I pushed my hips towards him, aching for his touch there. “You’re wet again.” I nodded. “You’re hard again.” “You see, perfect for each other.” He grinned and hitched my leg over his hip, opening me for him. I smiled as he rubbed his wet fingers over my nipples, stretching and pulling before bending to lick and suck. “You taste so good.” I pulled at his wrist and sucked on his index finger. He drew in a breath. “Jesus, you’re everything. Sweet and luscious, yet so sexy with a little dirty in there too.” “You make me sound like a cocktail.” I slid his hand back down between us, onto my clit. “I want to get drunk on you.” He pushed inside me, his eyes never leaving mine as he started to move, slowly, as if he were letting us both absorb every single sensation—the heat, the slide, the slickness. He gripped my shoulders, holding me still, pressing me down onto him, concentrating every movement to elicit maximum pleasure. But it was his eyes that pushed me over the edge. In them I saw nothing but love and forever. Blake may not have been part of the plan that I’d had for myself at seven years old, but he was better than anything I could have ever imagined.

Blake Having Mackenzie naked, in a bed with sheets and pillows, was something I was planning to get used to. She shifted and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her closer, her back to my front. “Again?” she asked, as I pushed my stirring erection against her ass. “I can’t help it. You’re naked and beautiful. I have no control. Anyway, we have to make up for lost time.” We’d slept only a few minutes here and there since she’d found me on her stoop last night. It seemed just seconds had passed, but the faint buzz of traffic from outside Mackenzie’s window indicated that I was usually at the lab by now. She pushed up onto her arms, her glossy, dark-red curls tumbling down her smooth, creamy back and looked back at me. I smoothed my fingers up her spine and she shuddered. “Hold that thought. I have to pee.” She pulled on my shirt and escaped to the bathroom. Part of me resented the seconds she was gone—time I wanted, time I should be getting with her. I waited for her to appear. She seemed to have been gone ages. “Come back,” I called. She opened the bathroom door and walked toward the bed, looking at me as if I were nuts. “I had to pee.” “I know, but I want to touch you.” “And brush my teeth.” “Teeth? God damn.” I leapt out of bed and rushed past her as she began to giggle. “Can I use your toothbrush?” I called into the bedroom. “Sure, but are you peeing with the door open?” she asked. “We don’t know each other well enough to pee with the door open.” “I disagree.” Last night had been perfect. Unexpected, but exactly what was meant to be. And the sex had been better than ever. As I walked back into her bedroom, she’d taken off my shirt and was sitting up, just the sheet around her, her smooth skin flawless, her eyes wide and bright, despite the lack of sleep. “You are so beautiful, Red.” She held her hands out, beckoning me toward her as she moved so her feet were hanging over the edge of the bed She reached for my cock in a deliberate, hungry way, and it was so unexpected, it winded me. She was asking for what she wanted. Her free hand encouraged me to step forward between her open thighs. I didn’t know whether or not to watch her pussy, her hands around my dick or her mouth. The decision was made for me as she took almost the whole of my half-erect dick in her mouth. I couldn’t help but groan as I watched the head of my cock disappear between her lips. She spread her palms against the cheeks of my butt, pulling me toward her. Jesus. As I hardened, she pulled back, her hand replacing her mouth as she gripped firmly at the base. She circled the crown with her tongue, once, twice, and then suckled while holding me firm with her other hand. I dragged my fingers through her hair, sweeping it away from her face. I wanted to see every tiny facial expression she made. Her hands began to twist in opposite directions as her lips stayed wrapped around my tip. Had I died at some point? Was this what heaven was like? “Fuck, Red, your mouth. Jesus.”

She grinned and circled my crown again before pushing down and taking me into the back of her throat, so deep I wondered if I’d ever hit the back. Incoherent sounds of pleasure ripped from my chest as her moan vibrated around my hardness. She pulled back, with just a hint of teeth, the way I’d always wanted to ask for from a girlfriend but never had. She was magnificent. I watched, mesmerized, as my cock disappeared into her mouth again. Her fingers pressed into my ass as she pulled me toward her, as if she wanted to go deeper, faster—as though she wanted more. It was the same for me. I wanted to touch her, to taste her, to fuck her. All. The. Time. “Let me lie down, Red,” I growled. I had to feel how wet she was. She looked up and I got onto the bed, tossing the pillows onto the floor, so I could lie flat. “Sit on me. I want to taste you, right now.” She looked confused and wasn’t moving quickly enough, so I grabbed her hips, lifting her leg so she was straddling me, facing away. She caught on and positioned herself over me. I smelled her before I tasted her—sex and Red. It was sweet and perfect, and I pulled her lower and dragged my tongue along her slit. She cried out, jerking away as I hit her clit, but I held her hips firmly and her cries turned to the moans that I recognized. I’d never had a girl sit on me before. But I’d never wanted to be surrounded and consumed by a woman before, either. I wanted everything Mackenzie would give me. Her fingers pulled at my cock, tacky and sticky, and then her mouth was on me, her lips surrounding my tip again, sucking and circling. The blood sped to my dick. I was so hard I thought I might burst. The smell of her, the taste of her, the feel of her soft skin under my fingertips, and then the wicked things she was doing to my cock—it was all almost too much. She began to rock her hips. At first I tried to resist her but I realized she was taking me deep each time she moved away from me. Who was I to deny her? She thrust onto my cock, then against my tongue in a perfect rhythm of pleasure. Her moans against my cock were sending vibrations straight to my balls and up my spine. I could feel my orgasm threatening to take over. But I wanted to stay like this, just shy of my climax, for as long as I could. But I couldn’t pull back. My dick wouldn’t let me. “I’m going to come,” I shouted, wanting to give her time to pull away. She just increased her rhythm, took me deeper, scraped her teeth just a fraction more, and I was gone, spiraling, my hips jacking off the bed in sharp, jagged movements I couldn’t control. I came in her mouth and she released me, her hips rocking against my face. My thumb found her clit and began to circle. She pushed against me, wanting more, and I wanted to give her everything. She was asking for what she wanted, knowing I could give it to her. I could tell by her short breaths and her half-words that she was close. All those nights of muffled sounds, I’d wanted to hear every noise, turn her on and up to maximum volume. I flicked my tongue inside her and I got what I was asking for. “Blake,” she screamed. I smiled against her pussy, then pushed my tongue inside her again. “Blake, no, please. I’m going—” Her muscles contracted around me, so tight, but I drove back, roughly stabbing in my tongue, pressing and rubbing her clit. She stiffened and fell forward. Her hands on my thighs. I lapped gently up and down her sex in long strokes, feeling her quivers and spasms ebb away before she shifted off me and I pulled her into my arms. Her heart rate was competing with mine, as if my pulse was trying to find hers. Her short breaths

hit the skin on my chest. I’d never felt closer to anyone. Ever. “Wow. You just took my sixty-nine virginity,” she said eventually. I pulled her closer. “Same. It’s nice. We had our first time together.” I chuckled. “Say what?” She slapped me on the abs. “I’ve never had a sixty-nine before.” “Wow. I would have thought . . . It was good. We should do that again.” “Now?” She laughed. “Not now. I just don’t want to wait another thirty years.” I chuckled. “We won’t if I have anything to do with it.” She reached for my dick and my mind went blank. I was already half hard, then rigid when she curled her fingers around me. “You’re insatiable,” I said. “I am,” she said. “I’ve never wanted anyone so much.” It was like she’d shot me in the ass with a syringe full of testosterone. “Get on all fours. I’ve got to have you again, too.” Sex in Oklahoma with her had been only a prelude to this, to no-holds-barred, try-anything-Isuggested sex. Not that I’d need to suggest much. It was as if she knew me, what I wanted, because her desires matched mine. I wanted it all with her. I wanted to see every part of her explode, wanted to understand each thing about her. Her body, her mind, her everything. She looked at me over her shoulder. “Please, Blake. I want you inside me.” It was as if the words had been ripped from her lungs, and I knew it was a visceral need. “Have you ever said that and meant it?” I asked before I had a chance to stop myself. Her cheeks colored and she looked away. I’d embarrassed her when I only wanted to hear her say how different it was between us. I pulled her onto her side, tucking her in until her back rested against my front. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad.” She slid her hands over mine. “I know. But the answer is no. I’ve never said it before. And I’ve never felt it before. “Turn around.” I wanted to see her. She shifted in my arms so she was facing me. I hitched her leg over my hip. “This is better. I can see you like this.” I pushed inside, and she gasped as I slid right up to the hilt. She gripped my shoulders, clinging to me. I never wanted her to let go. My movements were small but the bursts of pleasure intense, as if they’d been squeezed and concentrated. “I like it like this, too.” Her voice quivered as she spoke. “It feels like us.” Us. Yes, we felt like an us. We would always be an us, whatever happened. We rocked together, our skin sliding together, our tongues reaching for each other. The pleasure built in spirals around us, cocooning us, passing from me to her and back, intensifying and pushing, growing louder and louder as our breaths got sharper and sharper. I was unable to tear my stare from hers, desperate to dive deeper into her as I watched her climax, her eyes determined and wild. Mackenzie always looked good in the wild.

Mackenzie On my second trip to Christie, just like the first, Barrett was there to pick me up from the airport. But this time, instead of going to Love Rehab, alone, devastated and looking for a fast fix, I returned whole, content and with the love of my life. Much to Barrett’s amusement, Blake insisted that we both sit in the back of the truck. Secretly pleased not to have to spend two hours without touching him, I didn’t say anything. I was pretty sure Blake could sense my mood by the smile on my face and the grip of his hand against mine. “You don’t think this is too soon?” I whispered as we turned off the freeway as the sun began to set, painting the Oklahoma sky in streaks of orange and purple. “Too soon for what?” Blake asked. “You know, for me to meet your family?” “You’ve already met my family—most of them anyway. And no, of course it’s not too soon. Why would it be? I said when I moved to Boston I wanted to make getting back to Oklahoma for a visit a priority, and I’m not spending the weekend without you, so this is how it is. I’m a biochemist, not a quantum physicist—I can’t be in two places at once. And my mom really wants to meet you.” “Your mom wants to meet me?” Had he been talking to his family about me? Did she approve? I clutched his hand tighter. “Of course. She told me so last Christmas.” “But we hadn’t even met.” I shifted my head to get a better look at him. Was he joking? “I know. She just said that she wanted to meet the girl, the one who is it for me. So, here you are.” I wanted to slip onto his lap and kiss him like it was my job. “I’m it for you?” I shouldn’t be shocked because I felt the same way. Every moment with him was the best kind of surprise. I never believed I could feel so connected, as if whatever happened to Blake, happened to me too—the good and the bad. He shrugged. “You know it. You’re not my girlfriend. You get that, right?” I punched him on the arm. “If I’m not your girlfriend, then what am I, your dog walker?” “You’re more than my girlfriend. You’re it.” He said it simply, as if it were just a universal truth so obvious it couldn’t be questioned. “Okay, I’ll take that.” Two months had passed since I’d found Blake loitering outside my apartment. We’d barely left each other ’s sight since. We spent most of the time at his place because it was bigger, but some nights we came back to mine. I’d race him home each night. If he made it first, he’d be waiting for me with a glass of wine or a bubble bath or just ready to talk for hours and hours and hours. Last week when I’d made it home a full hour before him, he arrived to find me testing out my new stove in nothing but an apron and high heels. I’d burnt dinner. I still saw Rose and Kennedy at least every week, and occasionally Blake came along and our threesome become a foursome. Hopefully, Big John’s shaman powers would kick in soon and Rose’s and Kennedy’s futures would find them, and our four could become a six. So far, they were both doing well—Kennedy working on her political future and Rose, who’d been at her new job three

months, had avoided an office romance. “Whose truck is that?” Blake asked Barrett, the sun already lost to the evening, leaving behind a world of purple, gray and a thin band of pink. “Looks like Big John’s.” My stomach tumbled. I really didn’t want to run in to the shaman again. He’d obviously seen my future differently, and I didn’t want him saying anything that would make me feel uneasy. “You okay?” Blake asked. I smiled, and nodded. “Hey, don’t be nervous.” He released my hand and slipped his arm around my waist. “About anything.” I wasn’t sure if he understood that running in to Big John had overtaken my nerves about meeting his family, but then I doubted I could keep anything from him even if I tried. He seemed to be able to read every thought, preempt every move I made. “Come on.” He jumped out of the truck and held his hand out to me. “Hey, John,” Barrett said. I tightened my hand in Blake’s. “Hey,” John replied. I glanced up to find him smiling at me. “Thought I’d be seeing you again with my man Blake,” he said as he shook Blake’s hand. Had word got out so quickly that we were together? “You can’t hide anything from this old shaman,” he said, grinning at us. “I got told with a kick in the ass by the spirits not to mess with you two.” “You did?” I asked, a little confused. “Sure. I told you you’d already found your man. Spirits don’t lie.” He gave me a salute and headed to his truck. My heart soared, as if it were attached to a hundred balloons. I turned to Blake. “You’re the one?” Blake chuckled. “I keep telling you that I am.” “The one that my dead ancestors said I’d already met?” “Apparently so. Makes sense though. They knew before we did.” I turned toward John’s truck as he started the engine. “Thank you,” I called out. Every girl needs a little shaman in her love life. –––––––––– “Mom, will you excuse us? I just want to—” Blake said, interrupting a family dinner that was unfamiliar but so welcoming. Everyone was here, Blake’s parents sneaking glances at each other, Brianna and Barrett teasing Blake about what a geek he was. It was a family dynamic I wasn’t familiar with but loved already. We’d spent the afternoon with his mom and Brianna catching up and helping prepare dinner. Now with everyone around the table, I was overwhelmed and happy and relieved that everything was as relaxed as Blake had promised me it would be. “There’s no need to explain, son,” Blake’s dad said. “I know what it’s like to want a little one-onone time with your girl.” He patted his wife on the arm. As much as I loved his family, I was exhausted and grateful that Blake had suggested an early exit for us. I had the whole weekend to get to know the McKenna family better. “Ewww,” Bentley said. Blake winced. Blake’s mom smiled back at her husband and I flashed forward to Blake and me in thirty years. The thought wound through me, warming and comforting me. “See you later,” he said, reaching for my hand. “I’m taking your keys, Barrett. Thanks for dinner, Mom.”

“Thank you so much, Mrs. McKenna.” “Call me Fran!” she yelled as Blake pulled me out of the kitchen. He took long strides across the living room, through the door and out to the truck. “Where are we going?” I asked, half running to keep up with him. “Anywhere.” He slammed my door to the truck closed and rounded the hood to climb in beside me. “I just needed you to myself for a little bit, and I thought you might appreciate a breather.” “So how was your welcome to the McKenna family?” he asked as he sped down the track toward the main road. “You have a wonderful family, Blake. You’re lucky.” “Barrett’s a pain in the ass.” “He is not. And it was so nice to see Brianna again. She seems really happy that we found each other.” We knew what we had together was special, and we wanted to do everything we could to hold on to it. There were no games, no power plays, no hiding what we were thinking. We talked about everything, including where we wanted to raise our family. But we’d set no dates. No questions had been popped. We hadn’t been together long, but we didn’t need time to know we would be together for the rest of our lives. Instead of a plan, I just had faith that things would work out how they were supposed to. It wasn’t long until Blake pulled into a familiar-looking lane and I realized we were headed to the lake. To our lake. He parked facing the water. There wasn’t the slightest ripple on the surface of the lake, and the reeds that framed our view stood still, no breeze encouraging their usual dance. “I wanted to come back here with you, but I didn’t have time to do the lights and champagne—” “Hey, it’s being here with you that’s special.” We climbed out of the truck. “I did manage a blanket and some beers.” He reached into the back of the truck and took out an ice chest and a blanket. “This is our place.” I smiled up at him. “Always.” He bent to kiss me. We straightened the blanket out and opened a couple beers. We settled in, lying on our sides opposite each other. Blake pulled open another blanket and spread it over our legs. “It’s getting cold.” I leaned over and kissed him on the jaw. Being here reminded me of our first and last night in Oklahoma during Love Rehab. I’d thought I’d never see him again. I shivered at the thought that we might have lost each other. “What are you thinking about?” he asked. “When we were here last.” Blake’s smile turned serious. “You know I said I’d never keep anything from you.” My stomach tumbled. What was he going to say? Things were so perfect between us, but I was used to things going wrong just as I got comfortable. “Well, I just want to let you know that I’m planning to propose. Soon.” The pressing of my chest lifted and I had to stop myself from laughing I was so relieved. “I mean, I’ve not quite worked through the details, because I want it to be a story we can tell our grandchildren, but I wanted to give you the heads-up.” Our pact to not keep things from each other probably could have had an exception made for such moments, but in a funny way, it was one of the most romantic things he could have done. We were a partnership and he wasn’t about to make plans or start our lives on a new path without letting me

know. Because we were an us forever and in everything. “Don’t plan too much. I like this living in the moment stuff.” I smiled up at him. “But, in the interests of transparency, I’m going to say yes.” His smile widened. “You are?” “Did you ever doubt it?” He shrugged. “I suppose not.” “And please, no big wedding—I hate the idea of all that pomp and everyone looking at me.” I’d always assumed I’d have to have a wedding with the big dress, enormous cake and a crowd of spectators, but with Blake, I just wanted to be with him forever. I didn’t need a white dress to prove that. “I just want it to be about you and me. Maybe we can do it here with Big John officiating.” “I don’t care as long as you marry me.” “And we’re going to have to talk about the name thing,” I said, turning serious myself. “The name thing?” “Yeah, the name thing. Your surname is McKenna. I can’t be Mackenzie McKenna; it sounds ridiculous.” Blake groaned, rolled me to my back and bent to kiss me. “It sounds incredible.” He kissed me again and propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at me. “But I don’t need you to change your name. I want us to be married. You don’t need to change who you are for that.” And that was why Blake was perfect for me. He knew me, the real me. He saw every part of me and he loved me anyway—or maybe even because of—who I really was.

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Leah Thompson’s life in London is everything she's supposed to want: a successful career, the best girlfriends a bottle of sauvignon blanc can buy, and a wealthy boyfriend who has just proposed. But something doesn't feel right. Is it simply a case of ‘be careful what you wish for’? Uncertain about her future, Leah looks to her past, where she finds her high school crush, Daniel Armitage, online. Daniel is one of London's most eligible bachelors. He knows what and who he wants, and he wants Leah. Leah resists Daniel’s advances as she concentrates on being the perfect fiancé. She soon finds that she should have trusted her instincts when she realises she's been betrayed by the men and women in her life. Leah's heart has been crushed. Will ever be able to trust again? And will Daniel be there when she is? Faithful is a stand-alone novel.

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This book has been by far the most difficult book I’ve ever written. It took a lot of tears, drama and I almost gave up at several points along the way. But I didn’t and as a result, I’m probably the most proud of this book of all of them. Thank you for reading!! Elizabeth – what can I say? I can’t believe we’re here and it’s over. Thank you just isn’t enough. I feel like this book, as difficult as it was, brought us closer despite the fact that it threated to do the exact opposite. This was a real team effort and so much of what’s in here is down to you. Thank you for sticking by me, believing it could be better and giving all you did. Nina – My sister wife. I’m determined 2017 is the year I get to hug you in person! Thank you for making me laugh and for talking me down from that cliff as often as you do. Jessica Hawkins. You rock. That is all. Karen Booth—Thank you blurb master. I so appreciate our friendship. To all the incredible authors that constantly give me help and support—I love this community and I’m so proud to be a member. Najla Qamber – thank you for your unrelenting patience with me. You’re so talented and I’m so lucky to have found you. Jules Rapley Collins—Thank you for being such a great support babycakes. Megan Fields I’m wishing you your happy ever after in 2017. Twirly, how’s the gong therapy? And the underwear is still red. Because redheads can rock red. Even you. Thanks to all of you who blog, tweet, share, like and help spread the word about my books. I couldn’t do it without you!