Love Your Shit

 

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Love Your Sh

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Compost  for  Great  Relationships     Eric  Bowers                             Copyright  ©  2013  Eric  Bowers  

 

2   CONTENTS           Introduction.....................................................................................................................4   Chapter  1.    A  Relationship  Fast……………………………………………………………......8  

 

 

Chapter  2.    Relationships  That  Work……………….…………………..……………......11   • Differentiation….……………………………………………………………………..11   • Linking……………………………………………………………………………………12   • Differentiation  in  Relationships………………………………………………..13   • Linking  in  Relationships…………………………………………………………..16     Chapter  3.    Attachment  Theory………………………..……..……………………………..19     • Strange  Situation  Study……………………………………………………………21   • Adult  Attachment…………………………………………………………………….27   • Secure  Attachment  and  Learned  Secure  Attachment…………………28   • Dismissive  Avoidant  Insecure  Attachment………………………………..29   • Ambivalent  Insecure  Attachment……………………………………………..31   • Fearful  Avoidant  Insecure  Attachment……………………………………..32   • Disorganized  Attachment………………………………………………………...33     Chapter  4.    Memory  and  Attachment  Trauma………………………..………………38   • Explicit  Memory………………………………………………………………………38   • Implicit  Memory……..……………………………………………………………….39     Chapter  5.    The  Vagus  Nerve…………………………………….…………………………….43     • Ventral  Vagus  Nerve  or  Social  Engagement……………………………….43   • Central  Vagus  Nerve  or  Flight/Flight/Free………………………………..44   • Dorsal  Vagus  Nerve  or  Faint  (also  known  as  FREEZE)…..…………...44     Chapter  6.    The  Amygdala  and  Hippocampus…………..…….………………………47   • The  Limbic  System…………………………………………………………………...49   • Unintegrated  Neural  Networks…………………………………………………50   Chapter  7.    Regulating  Emotions……………………………………………………………56   • The  Brain  in  Your  Hand…………………………………………………………….56   • The  Still  Face  Experiment…………………………………………………………60  

 

   

 

3   Chapter  8.    The  Window  of  Tolerance………………………………………………….…63   • The  Hemispheres  of  the  Brain…………………………………………………..64   • Repairs…………………………………………………………………………………….69         Chapter  9.    Nonviolent  Communication……………………………..………..………….73   • Needs:  The  Foundation  of  NVC…………………………………………………73   • Self-­‐connection  or  Self-­‐empathy……………………………………………….76   • Empathy  for  Another….…………………………………………………………….81   • Resonant  Empathy…………………………………………………………………...86   • Supportive  Empathy………………………………………………………………...89   • Empathy  During  Dialogue………………………………………………………...90   • Honest  Expression……………………………………………………………………91   • Observations……………………………………………………………………………92   • Feelings…………………………………………………………………………………...93   • Requests………………………………………………………………………………….96   • Getting  Into  Trouble  With  NVC………………………………………………….97   Chapter  10.    The  Fantasy  of  Falling  in  Love………………….…………………….….100   Appendices……………………………………………………………………………………………103   • Self-­‐Empathy  Process……………………………………………………………..103   • Needs  List………………………………………………………………………………105   • Feelings  List…………………………………………………………………………...107   • Empathy  for  Another……………………………………………………………...109   • Speaking  Natural  NVC…………………………………………………………….111   • Calling  a  Pause………………………………………….……………………………113  

             Endnotes……………………………………………………..………………………………………..115                

 

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  Introduction     Some  friends  and  I  were  brainstorming  titles  for  this  book.    We  explored  many   possibilities,  but  none  were  hitting  the  mark.    Our  brains  were  tired  because  it  was     late  and  we’d  already  done  a  lot  of  work  on  other  projects.    As  our  energy  waned  we   became  less  focused  and  serious,  and  our  title  ideas  entered  the  realm  of  the   ridiculous.    It  looked  like  a  book  title  would  have  to  wait.    Then,  in  the  midst  of  some   laughter  and  silliness,  my  friend  Jen  said  something  to  the  effect  of,  “Isn’t  it  just   about  healing  your  shit  so  that  you  can  have  a  great  relationship?!”    We  all  paused   and  looked  at  each  other,  caught  in  a  collective  aha  moment.     After  some  deliberation  about  the  title,  I  decided  on  the  title  Love  Your  Shit,  instead   of  Heal  Your  Shit.    The  word  “heal”  can  imply  that  something  is  broken  and  needs   fixing,  like  the  parts  of  yourself  you  don’t  like  or  have  disowned—your  shit.     However,  your  shit  isn’t  something  broken  in  you;  it  is  part  of  your  wholeness  that   has  not  yet  been  fully  loved.      I  believe  there  are  many  paths  to  remembering  the   wholeness  that  is  already  there  and  many  ways  to  heal  the  experiences  in  which  we   lost  connection  to  our  wholeness.    The  healing  methods  I’m  most  confident  in  are   the  ones  in  which  we  see  ourselves  as  whole  not  broken.     When  it  comes  to  creating  great  relationships,  the  shit  I  recommend  loving  is  the   wounded  parts  of  yourself  you  carry  from  past  relationships,  particularly  from  your  

 

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childhood  relationships  with  your  parents  (if  you  weren’t  raised  by  your  parents,   then  you  can  substitute  in  your  primary  caregivers  when  parents  are  mentioned  in   this  book).    Unresolved  wounds  from  past  relationships  are  known  as  Attachment   Trauma  in  the  field  of  Attachment  Theory.    It  would  be  nice  if  you  could  simply  leave   your  attachment  trauma  in  the  past  or  flush  it  down  the  toilet  and  forget  about  it,   but  your  brain  is  not  designed  to  do  that.    Your  brain  is  designed  to  remember   unresolved  trauma  so  that  it  can  protect  you  from  getting  hurt  again  by  anything   that  looks  or  feels  similar  to  unresolved  trauma.    However,  just  as  farmers  have   composted  manure  for  thousands  of  years  in  order  to  enrich  soil  and  grow  food,   composting  your  attachment  trauma  allows  you  to  enrich  your  growth,  your   relationships,  and  your  life.         In  the  many  presentations,  workshops,  and  courses  on  relationships  I’ve  given,  I’ve   often  asked  people  if  they  would  like  to  have  a  great  relationship.    Almost  everyone   says  yes.    And  why  wouldn’t  they  say  yes?    Being  in  love  with  someone  is  one  of  the   highlights  of  being  alive.    However,  I  don’t  think  it’s  completely  true  that  people   want  great  relationships.    I  believe  that,  just  like  me,  most  people  have  parts  of   themselves—parts  of  their  psyches—that  are  afraid  of  a  great  relationship.    Unless   those  parts  get  the  support  they  need,  they  will  keep  us  from  creating  beautiful   relationships  and  rewarding  lives.     If  you’re  currently  single,  now  is  a  wonderful  time  to  learn  about  your  attachment   trauma  and  receive  support  for  the  parts  of  you  that  are  afraid  of  a  great  

 

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relationship.    Doing  so  will  not  only  make  your  next  romantic  relationship  your  best   one  yet  (should  you  want  a  romantic  relationship),  it  will  also  give  you  a  much   richer  and  more  inspiring  experience  of  being  single.    Furthermore,  composting   your  attachment  trauma  will  help  you  have  better  relationships  with  family,  friends,   and  life.    If  you’re  currently  in  a  relationship,  the  information  in  this  book  will  give   you  a  better  understanding  of  what’s  working  in  your  relationship,  what  isn’t,  why,   and  what  you  can  do  about  it.         Love  Your  Shit  introduces  you  to  Attachment  Theory  (AT),  Interpersonal   Neurobiology  (IPNB),  and  Nonviolent  Communication  (NVC),  also  known  as   Compassionate  Communication.    Together,  these  three  modalities  offer  a   comprehensive  understanding  of  what  happens  in  relationships  as  well  as  powerful   tools  for  building  healthier  brains  and  relationships,  and  for  transforming  the  parts   of  your  psyche  that  are  afraid  of  great  relationships.         Because  so  much  of  what  happens  in  our  adult  relationships  corresponds  to  what   happened  in  our  childhood  relationships  with  our  parents  and  caregivers,  Love  Your   Shit  explores  an  AT  and  IPNB  perspective  on  how  the  capacity  of  our  parents  to   nurture  and  bond  with  us  as  children  affected  our  early  development.    What  AT  and   IPNB  show  is  that  this  capacity  to  nurture  and  bond  is  passed  from  parent  to  child  to   grandchild  and  so  on  through  the  generations,  unless  there  has  been  support  to  heal   this  inherited  and  generational  attachment  trauma.      The  capacity  of  parents  to   nurture  and  bond  with  children  is  also  hugely  impacted  by  societal  and  cultural  

 

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paradigms  and  ideologies.    In  other  words,  parents  do  what  they  can  given  not  only   the  fact  that  they  carry  their  own  attachment  trauma,  but  also  given  the  loss  of   extended  family  and  community  support,  given  inadequate  maternity  leaves  and   government  support,  given  work  demands,  and  given  misinformed  parenting  advice   that  includes  leaving  babies  to  cry,  denying  children  the  nurturing  physical  contact   they  need,  punishment-­‐and-­‐reward-­‐based  motivation,  and  many  other  non-­‐ nurturing  strategies  that  leave  children  feeling  conditionally  loved,  emotionally   distant  from  their  parents,  and  very  insecure  about  themselves  and  the  world.     Reading  information  about  how  children  are  impacted  by  their  parents  can   stimulate  difficult  or  painful  feelings,  and  old  memories  may  come  to  mind.    If  this   happens  for  you,  I  encourage  you  to  go  through  the  Self-­‐Empathy  Process,  found  in   Appendix  I  on  page  103.    I  also  encourage  to  you  reach  out  for  support.    I  do  a  lot  of   self-­‐empathy  to  work  with  my  attachment  trauma  and  painful  feelings  and   memories,  and  still  I  regularly  reach  out  for  support.    Often  my  inner  work  goes   deeper  and  is  more  powerful  when  I  receive  support  from  another  person.    Our   attachment  trauma  happened  in  the  context  of  relationship  with  another,  and  doing   inner  work  with  support  from  another  can  more  powerfully  shift  negative  beliefs   about  ourselves,  about  relationships,  and  about  life.          

 

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  Chapter  1.    A  Relationship  Fast     A  few  years  ago,  I  decided  to  take  a  break  from  romantic  relationships  with  women   and  focus  on  my  relationship  with  myself.    I  wanted  to  see  if  I  could  really  come  alive   and  live  an  inspiring  life  as  a  single  person,  while  also  preparing  for  a  relationship  I   could  feel  excited  and  confident  about.    From  studying  and  teaching  AT  and  IPNB  I   realized  that  doing  deeper  work  on  my  attachment  trauma  would  be  one  of  the  best   things  I  could  do  to  truly  come  alive  and  prepare  for  a  great  relationship.         Long  before  my  work  with  attachment  trauma  and  building  healthy  relationships,  I   was  a  white  water  river  guide  and  kayaker.    I  had  an  adventurous  life  exploring  wild   and  magnificent  creeks,  rivers  and  mountains  from  Alaska  down  to  California  and  in   places  like  the  Canadian  Rockies  and  Costa  Rica.    Although  I  loved  the  travel  and   wilderness  and  had  some  of  the  most  inspiring  and  breathtaking  moments  of  my  life   as  a  guide  and  kayaker,  I  had  little  sense  of  purpose  or  vision  for  my  life.    I  became   addicted  to  adventure  and  to  marijuana,  often  combining  the  two.    I  didn’t  know  it  at   the  time,  but  I  was  running  from  my  past,  trying  to  outrun  my  attachment  trauma,   trying  to  hide  from  doing  the  work  necessary  for  a  healthier  relationship  with   myself  and  for  finding  a  deeper  purpose  and  meaning  for  my  life.     You  don’t  have  to  be  a  psychotherapist  to  guess  that  my  relationships  with  women   during  that  time  were  not  great.    They  would  begin  with  immense  passion,  magic  

 

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and  inspiration,  and  then  soon  cycle  through  one  conflict  after  another  before   crumbling  apart.    It  would  take  me  mere  months  to  go  from  joyful,  exuberant,   charming,  generous,  sensitive,  poetic,  and  affectionate  to  distant,  discouraged,   closed,  confused,  irritable,  critical,  and  lost.    As  my  relationships  wound  down  to   their  inevitable  break  up,  I  would  fantasize  about  all  the  amazing  things  I’d  do  if  I   were  single.    Then,  not  long  after  leaving  a  relationship,  I  would  fantasize  about  the   next  woman  I’d  fall  in  love  with  and  forget  about  much  of  what  I’d  dreamed  of  doing   while  single.     Eventually,  I  stopped  traveling,  thrill  seeking,  and  smoking  marijuana  and  took   some  steps  toward  a  more  purposeful  life.    I  fell  in  love  with  a  woman  who  was   practicing  NVC.    After  some  initial  resistance,  I  too  began  studying  NVC.    Once  I   understood  the  intentions  and  principles  of  NVC,  I  began  to  appreciate  it.    I  was  very   relieved  to  learn  that,  though  NVC  includes  a  process  for  speaking,  it  is   predominantly  about  cultivating  connection.    I  discovered,  often  through  difficult   lessons,  that  the  connection  with  others  and  with  life  doesn’t  work  if  I’m  not   connected  to  myself.    Moreover,  connecting  to  myself  is  goes  much  deeper  and  more   difficult  than  I  realized.           When  I  began  practicing  NVC,  I  focused  mostly  on  talking  through  conflict  with   others  and  deepening  connection  through  empathy.    Now,  my  NVC  practice  is  much   more  about  connecting  with  parts  of  myself  that  I  disowned  or  left  behind,  which  is   an  ever-­‐deepening  adventure.    The  more  I  restore  connection  to  my  disowned  parts,  

 

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the  more  empathy  and  creativity  I  have  for  connecting  more  deeply  with  others  and   with  life.    Though  I  don’t  always  see  it  right  away,  when  I  get  stuck  in  arguments   with  others,  I  know  there  is  likely  an  opportunity  to  restore  connection  with   whatever  disowned  part  of  myself  I  am  projecting  onto  the  other  person.    Once  I’ve   reclaimed  my  disowned  part,  then  the  outer  conflict  resolves  much  more  effectively.     The  more  I  learned  about  NVC  the  more  I  appreciated  its  potential.    After  some   intensive  NVC  training  and  practice,  I  took  a  step  toward  deeper  purpose  and   meaning  in  my  life  and  began  teaching  NVC.    Then,  I  married  the  woman  who   introduced  me  to  NVC,  and  we  worked  very  hard  at  our  relationship  (harder  than  I   ever  want  to  work  again  at  a  relationship).    Although  the  practice  of  NVC  was   extremely  helpful  with  resolving  the  conflicts  that  arose  between  us,  the  amount  of   conflict  we  continued  to  experience  was  not  sustainable  and  out  of  balance  in   proportion  to  the  amount  of  harmony,  happiness,  and  fun  we  experienced.    I   remember  feeling  amazed,  confounded,  and  dismayed  by  how  often  conflict  would   occur  between  us.      I  didn’t  realize  it  then,  but  I  wasn’t  practicing  the  self-­‐connection   part  of  NVC  deeply  enough.      Without  realizing  it,  I  projected  disowned  parts  onto   my  wife,  even  though  I  was  using  NVC  language  to  the  best  of  my  ability.         Deciding  to  end  our  marriage  was  one  of  the  hardest  decisions  I’ve  made.    That  my   former  wife  and  I  remain  caring  and  supportive  friends  is  due,  I  believe,  to  the  time   we  took  to  process  the  ending  of  our  marriage,  to  the  separation  ceremony  we  had   with  family  and  friends,  and  to  our  commitment  to  loving  our  shit.  

 

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  Chapter  2.    Relationships  That  Work     So  how  do  you  build  a  relationship  that  works?    There  are  many  ways  to  answer   that  question.    I  like  to  start  with  two  foundational  pieces  that  come  from   Interpersonal  Neurobiology:  differentiation  and  linking  (Siegel,  2010).     Differentiation  and  linking  are  important  for  any  type  of  relationship:  a  romantic   relationship;  a  platonic  relationship;  a  familial  relationship;  the  relationship   between  the  masculine  and  feminine  aspects  of  our  psyches;  the  relationship   between  the  different  parts  of  your  brain  and  body;  and  so  on.         DIFFERENTIATION   Differentiation  means  that  something  is  separate  and  different  from  something  else.     For  example,  the  left  hemisphere  of  the  brain  is  separate  and  different  from  the  right   hemisphere  of  the  brain.    Being  separate  and  different  allows  for  specialized   functioning.    The  left  hemisphere  specializes  in  linguistics,  logic,  literal  meaning,   linear  processing,  problem  solving,  cause  and  effect,  and  attention  to  detail,  among   other  things.    The  right  hemisphere  specializes  in  processing  body  language  and   tone  of  voice,  intuition,  non-­‐linear  processing,  metaphorical  meaning,  processing   painful  or  intense  emotions,  processing  visceral  information  from  the  body,  and  big-­‐ picture  perspectives,  among  other  things.    The  organization  of  neurons  in  each   hemisphere  of  the  brain  reflects  each  hemisphere’s  specialized  functioning:  neurons   in  the  left  hemisphere  are  closer  together  and  organized  more  linearly  (somewhat  

 

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like  rows  and  columns);  neurons  in  the  right  hemisphere  are  further  apart  and  more   randomly  organized  than  those  in  the  left  hemisphere  (imagine  a  Jackson  Pollack   painting).     LINKING   Linking  means  that  something  that  matters  is  shared  between  differentiated  parts,   with  the  opportunity  to  co-­‐create  something  more  meaningful  and  valuable  than  the   parts  can  create  alone.    For  example,  when  the  left  and  right  hemispheres  of  the   brain  are  linked,  there  is  room  for  structure,  logic,  details,  and  getting  things  done,   as  well  as  for  creativity,  emotions,  intimacy,  intuition,  and  big-­‐picture  perspectives.     Together  the  left  and  right  hemispheres  of  the  brain  can  process,  integrate,  and   understand  experiences  better  than  either  can  do  on  its  own.      And  together  the   hemispheres  of  the  brain  can  create  a  rich  and  meaningful  life  better  than  either  can   do  on  its  own.     When  linking  doesn’t  happen  well  and  the  left  hemisphere  dominates,  then  life   becomes  rigid:  devoid  of  depth,  creativity  and  emotions;  packed  full  of  to-­‐do  lists;  or   filled  with  all  kinds  of  distractions  and  addictions.    If  the  right  hemisphere   dominates,  life  becomes  chaotic  and  unorganized,  flooded  with  emotions,  overly   focused  on  relationships,  full  of  visions  and  dreams  but  to-­‐do  lists  left  unfinished,   forgotten  or  lost.    When  the  hemispheres  of  the  brain  are  linked  and  differentiated   and  supported,  then  life  has  an  enjoyable  balance  and  flow.    Daniel  Siegel,  a  founder   of  IPNB,  uses  the  metaphor  of  a  river,  with  one  shore  representing  rigidity,  the  other  

 

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shore  chaos,  and  the  flow  of  the  current  midstream  representing  a  balance  and   integration  of  the  right  and  left  hemispheres  (Siegel,  2008).    As  a  former  river  guide   and  kayaker,  I  relate  well  to  this  metaphor.    What’s  important  to  include  in  this   metaphor  is  that  the  midstream  current  is  not  always  flat  and  easy.    Sometimes   there  are  large  waves,  piles  of  frothy  water,  steep  drops,  and  even  waterfalls.     Sometimes  life  brings  us  challenges  and  upheaval.    Just  as  navigating  rapids  requires   paddling  skills  and  teamwork,  navigating  life’s  challenges  requires  the  necessary   skills,  tools  and  support.     DIFFERENTIATION  IN  RELATIONSHIPS   In  adult  human  relationships  differentiation  means  that  each  person  is  separate  and   different  from  the  other.      Each  person  gets  to  have  her  own  needs  and  emotions  and   is  not  responsible  for  the  needs  and  emotions  of  the  other.      Each  person  has  her   own  character,  personality,  preferences,  inspirations  and  dreams  for  life.    Each   person  has  choice  and  autonomy,  and  each  person  is  responsible  for  her  own   actions,  behaviours,  and  choices.    Furthermore,  differentiation  includes  doing  the   growth  and  healing  work  necessary  to  individuate,  make  healthy  choices,  realize   potential,  and  live  a  purposeful  and  fulfilling  life.         An  important  part  of  differentiation  for  adults  involves  uncovering  and  reclaiming   disowned  parts.    Disowned  parts  are  parts  of  you  that  weren’t  accepted  or  loved  by   your  parents.    Because  a  child’s  sense  of  safety,  security,  and  survival  is   fundamentally  linked  to  his  parents’  acceptance,  the  parts  of  the  child  that  his  

 

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parents  can’t  accept  are  eventually  disowned  or  buried  away  by  him  so  that   connection  with  parents  is  maintained.    (The  term  Shadow  is  often  used  when   referring  to  our  disowned  parts  or  the  place  in  our  psyche  in  which  we’ve  hidden   them.)    If  disowned  parts  aren’t  uncovered  and  reclaimed,  they  get  projected  onto   others,  which  will,  of  course,  interfere  with  differentiation  (and  linking).         When  parts  are  disowned  they  are  not  just  buried  away,  they  are  often  condemned,   loathed,  even  hated.    When  life  cracks  us  open  and  our  disowned  parts  slip  out  we   condemn  them  with  judgements,  contempt,  shame,  or  deny  their  existence.    I   remember  feeling  so  ashamed  as  an  adolescent  and  teenager  when  I  couldn’t  hold   back  my  tears.    I  hated  my  vulnerability  and  worked  hard  to  hold  my  emotions  in.    I   had  disowned  my  vulnerability  because  that’s  how  I  learned  to  be  more  accepted  by   my  parents,  just  like  they  had  to  disown  their  vulnerability  to  be  loved  by  my   grandparents.         When  we  get  close  enough  to  others  (sometimes  we  don’t  even  need  to  be  close)   and  they  express  or  behave  in  a  way  that  is  similar  to  one  of  our  disowned  parts,  we   often  project  our  condemnation  of  that  part  onto  them.    For  me  this  meant  judging   girlfriends  as  needy  or  weak  when  they  expressed  vulnerable  emotions.    I   remember  once  feeling  repulsed  when  a  girlfriend  was  particularly  vulnerable.    It   seemed  like  such  awful  reaction  to  her  state  of  vulnerability,  but  I  couldn’t  help   myself,  which  was  troubling  for  me,  to  say  the  least,  and  very  painful  for  her.    

 

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A  disowned  part  is  any  aspect  of  you  that  wasn’t  acceptable  to  express  when  you   were  a  child.    It  might  be  an  emotional  expression,  such  as  anger,  sadness,   excitement,  sexual  arousal,  or  joy.    Or,  a  disowned  part  can  be  a  characteristic  or   trait  that  was  not  acceptable  for  you  to  express,  such  as  competitiveness,  shyness,   empowerment,  playfulness,  vulnerability,  beauty,  adventurousness,  introversion,  or   extroversion.    And,  a  disowned  part  can  be  a  need  or  value  that  was  not  met  or   acknowledged,  such  as  acceptance,  nurturing,  support,  intimacy,  autonomy,   individuality,  self-­‐worth,  and  so  on.     There  are  different  processes  for  reclaiming  disowned  parts,  including  powerful   empathy  processes  in  which  disowned  parts  get  deeply  heard  and  understood  until   they  integrate  back  into  your  sense  of  self.    Reclaiming  disowned  parts  isn’t  always   easy,  but  it’s  an  important  part  of  differentiation  and  building  great  relationships.     Sometimes  people  tell  me  that  NVC  didn’t  work  for  them  in  a  particular  relationship   or  conflict.    When  I  hear  this,  my  guess  is  that  the  inner  work  of  reclaiming   disowned  parts  hasn’t  happened,  just  like  it  wasn’t  happening  for  me  in  my  past   relationships.     How  do  you  know  when  you’re  projecting  disowned  parts  onto  someone?    It’s  hard   to  know  for  sure,  but  if  you  find  yourself  upset  or  shutting  down  and  unable  to  have   a  dialogue  in  which  you  can  speak  clearly  about  your  feelings  and  needs  and  

 

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empathize  with  the  other’s  feelings  and  needs,  it’s  likely  that  you  are  projecting.    The   stronger  your  reaction,  the  more  likely  you  are  projecting.       LINKING  IN  RELATIONSHIPS   Linking  in  human  relationships  means  that  two  people  care  about  each  other  and   express  that  care  through  words  or  actions  and  through  repairing  the  relationship   when  connection  is  broken  or  compromised.    Each  person  matters  to  the  other,  and   something  meaningful  is  co-­‐created  that  is  greater  than  what  either  person  could   create  alone.    There  is  meaningful  sharing  and  room  for  emotions  and  vulnerable   parts  to  be  seen,  understood  and  cared  about.    Support  is  given  and  asked  for.         Attunement  is  particularly  important  for  linking.      Attunement  means  being  aware  of   another’s  emotional  state  and  needs.    Resonant  responsiveness  is  also  important  for   linking  and  a  natural  extension  of  attunement.    Resonant  responsiveness  involves   responding  to  the  other  with  an  energy  that  harmonizes  with  her  emotional  state:   responding  with  tenderness  when  there  is  sadness;  with  an  energized  response   when  there  is  excitement  or  celebration;  with  compassionate  strength  when  there  is   anger;  and  so  on.    The  most  effective  way  to  increase  your  capacity  to  attune  and   resonate  with  another  person,  be  that  with  a  child  or  an  adult,  is  to  reclaim   disowned  parts  and  increase  your  window  of  tolerance  for  all  emotions.     A  friend  of  mine  who  has  a  son  once  displayed  a  powerful  example  of  attunement   and  resonant  responsiveness.    She  was  picking  up  her  son  at  school  (he  was  about  

 

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seven  at  the  time).    Something  difficult  happened  for  him  and  he  exploded  with   anger.    My  friend  had  a  window  of  tolerance  in  that  moment  for  his  anger  and   created  a  safe  physical  and  emotional  container  right  there  at  the  school  within   which  he  could  express  his  anger.    This  allowed  her  son  to  experience  acceptance  for   his  anger  and  safety  for  expressing  it.    If  my  friend  hadn’t  had  a  window  of  tolerance   for  anger,  she  likely  would  have  gotten  angry  and  punished  him  or  given  him  some   message  that  it’s  not  ok  to  be  angry.         If  a  child  doesn’t  receive  enough  support  for  an  emotion,  he  will  disown  that   emotion  and  shrink  his  window  of  tolerance  for  that  emotion,  which  will  create   problems  for  the  child  in  future  relationships.    Read  more  about  the  window  of   tolerance  in  chapter  8,  page  63.     Balancing  and  evolving  differentiation  and  linking  is  the  ongoing  practice  of  being  in   relationship,  and  the  more  you  practice,  the  more  you  can  experience  integrated   relationships,  or  what  is  known  as  Secure  Attachment  in  the  field  of  Attachment   Theory.    If  you  stop  evolving  differentiation  and  linking  or  they  get  out  of  balance,   life  gets  stale,  uninspired,  and  lonely  because  you’re  not  learning,  healing,  growing,   connecting,  and  realizing  more  of  your  potential.    Or,  life  gets  confusing  and   overwhelming  because  you’re  enmeshed  and  entangled  with  other’s  identities,   emotions,  and  needs;  you’re  projecting  your  disowned  parts  back  and  forth;  you’re   unwittingly  letting  your  shadows  lead  the  way.    

 

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If  you  continue  differentiating  and  linking,  then  each  can  support  the  other.    In  other   words,  if  you  continue  differentiating—exploring  your  own  feelings,  needs,   inspirations,  dreams,  healing  unresolved  wounds,  reclaiming  disowned  parts—you   can  better  link  with  others  because  you’ll  be  more  resilient,  more  aware  of  your   shadow,  and  less  likely  to  get  caught  in  looking  to  your  partner  or  others  you’re   close  to  for  a  sense  of  wholeness.    Furthermore,  you’ll  less  likely  get  caught  in   caretaking  others  (doing  more  for  others  than  is  healthy  for  you  or  the  other   person)  as  a  way  to  avoid  the  work  of  your  ongoing  differentiation.    If  you  continue   evolving  your  linking  with  others,  then  you  will  have  the  support  that  comes  from   being  deeply  known,  connected,  and  cared  about,  from  which  to  do  the  work  of   differentiation.    In  other  words,  becoming  more  of  yourself  will  give  you  confidence   to  connect  more  deeply  with  others,  and  connecting  more  deeply  with  others  will   support  you  to  become  more  of  yourself.                      

 

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Chapter  3.    Attachment  Theory     If  parents  and  caregivers  know  how  to  differentiate  and  link  with  children,  then  they   will  have  Secure  Attachment  with  their  children.    The  linking  will  include   attunement  and  resonance,  lots  of  nurturing  physical  contact,  support  for  emotions,   expressions  of  love  and  care,  meaningful  shared  experiences,  and  a  sense  of  being   known  and  loved.    Differentiation  will  allow  the  child  to  be  her  own  person,  to  have   her  own  personality,  feelings  and  needs,  to  develop  her  autonomy,  to  learn  how  to   not  take  responsibility  for  the  feelings  and  needs  of  others,  and  to  explore  her  world   and  her  dreams  and  inspirations.         If  the  linking  between  a  parent  and  child  is  sparse,  then  they  will  have  Avoidant   Insecure  Attachment.    There  will  be  little  nurturing  contact  and  intimacy,  and  the   child  will  stop  seeking  closeness  and  shut  down  his  vulnerability,  perhaps  with  TV   or  computers,  or  by  working  extra  hard  at  school  and  filling  life  with  many  things  to   accomplish.    (Of  course  there  is  nothing  wrong  with  some  TV  and  Computer  time   and  with  working  hard  and  accomplishing  things,  as  long  as  there  is  room  to  be  a   human  being  with  feelings  and  needs  that  can  reach  out  to  others  and  experience   ongoing  intimacy,  comfort,  and  support.)    In  other  words,  when  there  is  avoidant   attachment  between  a  parent  and  child,  the  child  learns  to  adapt  to  the  life  without   linking,  or  without  the  amount  and  depth  of  linking  needed  to  form  secure   attachment.    

 

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If  there  is  some  linking  between  the  parent  and  child  but  it’s  inconsistent  and   unpredictable  and  it  happens  more  on  the  parent’s  terms  than  the  child’s,  then  they   will  have  an  Ambivalent  Insecure  Attachment.    The  child  will  have  emotions  that  are   more  difficult  to  soothe  because  the  emotional  support  hasn’t  been  consistent  and   the  child  never  knows  if  the  parent  will  be  able  to  attune  and  empathize  or  be   intrusive  or  overwhelmed  by  their  own  stress  or  emotions.    The  inconsistency  and   unpredictability  of  connection  with  the  parent  leaves  the  child  longing  for  linking   and  at  the  same  time  resistant  to  it,  hence  the  ambivalence.    The  child  will  likely  be   more  outwardly  anxious  due  to  not  having  consistent  support  to  regulate  his   emotions.     There  is  a  fourth  style  of  Attachment  known  as  Disorganized.    Disorganized   Attachment  is  the  result  of  a  parent  that  is  either  terrifying  or  terrified.    If  a  parent  is   living  with  more  severe  unresolved  trauma,  then  he  or  she  will  behave  in  ways  that   are  terrifying  for  his  or  her  child.      Or  the  parent’s  unresolved  trauma  will  leave  the   parent  living  in  a  constant  state  of  terror  from  which  he  is  unavailable  to  link  and   differentiate  with  his  child.    Furthermore,  children  implicitly  assess  and  internalize   the  safety  and  security  of  life  through  the  information  their  brains  (particularly  their   right  hemispheres)  pick  up  from  their  parents  eyes,  body  language,  tone  of  voice,   and  emotional  state.         With  Disorganized  Attachment  a  child’s  brain  learns  more  desperate  ways  to   survive  amidst  the  abuse  or  neglect  or  lack  of  security  and  safety.    Instead  of  having  

 

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a  parent  with  an  integrated  brain  from  which  to  learn  to  self-­‐regulate  emotions,   explore  the  world,  and  be  in  relationship,  the  child  has  a  parent  with  a  very  chaotic   and  unregulated  brain  and  learns  in  many  ways  that  relationships  are  dangerous  or   painful  or  terrifying  or  isolating,  or  that  the  world  is  not  safe  and  secure.     Disorganized  attachment  leaves  the  child  with  desperate  coping  behaviours  that,   without  an  Attachment  Theory  perspective,  can  easily  leave  adults  judging,  labeling,   and  punishing  them  in  ways  that  reinforce  their  negative  beliefs  about  themselves   and  relationships.     Sometimes,  there  will  be  short  periods  or  “bubbles”  of  disorganized  attachment   between  a  parent  and  a  child,  which  means  that  instead  of  an  overall  disorganized   attachment  between  a  parent  and  child  there  will  be  short  periods  in  which  the   parent  is  more  severely  abusive  or  neglectful  amidst  an  otherwise  avoidant  or   ambivalent  attachment  style.     STRANGE  SITUATION  STUDY   These  four  Attachment  Styles  were  discovered  in  a  research  experiment  known  as   The  Strange  Situation  Study  (McLeod,  2008).    In  this  study  a  mother  and  her  child   are  in  a  room  playing  together  with  toys  (children  between  the  ages  of  one  and  two   were  used  for  the  study).    After  the  mother  and  her  child  are  settled  in  and  playing   together,  a  stranger  comes  in  and  sits  down  in  a  chair.    Shortly  after  the  stranger   arrives,  the  mother  leaves  the  room  for  a  few  moments  and  then  returns.        

 

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If  the  mother  and  child  have  Secure  Attachment,  then,  when  the  mother  leaves,  her   toddler  is  distressed,  not  comforted  by  the  stranger,  and  easily  soothed  when  the   mother  returns,  to  the  point  where  he  can  resume  exploring  his  environment  and   playing  with  the  toys  in  the  room.    If  they  have  an  Insecure  Avoidant  relationship,   then  the  toddler  doesn’t  seem  distressed  when  the  mother  leaves  (his  nervous   system  would  be  stressed  but  he’s  learned  to  adapt  by  not  expressing  the  emotions),   doesn’t  acknowledge  the  stranger,  and  shows  little  interest  when  the  mother   returns.    If  they  have  an  Insecure  Ambivalent  Relationship,  the  child  expresses   intense  distress  upon  the  mother  leaving,  is  fearful  of  the  stranger,  and  approaches   the  mother  when  she  returns  but  resists  contact,  or  is  difficult  to  soothe,  or  pushes   her  away.    If  there  is  disorganized  Attachment,  then  the  child’s  behaviour  will  be   disorganized,  perhaps  moving  toward  the  mother  then  backing  away,  maybe   dropping  to  the  floor,  maybe  throwing  something,  or  maybe  hitting  himself.           It  is  very  important  to  be  aware  that  parents  can  love  their  children  deeply  and   fiercely  but  not  have  the  capacity  for  differentiation,  linking  and  secure  attachment.     The  inability  to  link  and  differentiate  is  not  due  to  a  lack  of  love  but  to  a  parent’s   unresolved  attachment  trauma.    In  his  book  In  the  Realm  of  Hungry  Ghosts,  Gabor   Maté  writes  eloquently  and  in  more  detail  about  attachment  trauma  and  how  it  is   passed  along  from  one  generation  to  the  next  (Maté,  2008).       Without  the  awareness  of  the  importance  of  differentiation  and  linking,  an  adult   child  may  believe  he  had  a  secure  attachment  with  a  parent  simply  because  the  

 

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parent  provided  for  him,  wasn’t  abusive  or  neglectful,  and  told  him  he  loved  him.     Moreover,  the  left  hemisphere  of  the  brain  doesn’t  have  the  capacity  for  compassion   and  will  often  minimize  or  deny  the  impact  of  painful  upbringings.    However,  more   clarity  about  the  attachment  of  the  relationship  comes  when  someone  looks  more   closely  at  his  experience  of  linking  and  differentiation  with  his  parents.    Was  there   lots  of  nurturing  and  affectionate  physical  contact,  meaningful  and  fun  time  together,   empathy,  resonant  responsiveness,  and  attuned  emotional  support?    Was  there   support  for  autonomy  and  choice,  individuality  and  for  personal  goals  and  dreams?     Were  the  parents  able  to  take  responsibility  for  their  emotions  and  make  repairs   with  their  children  when  connection  was  broken?    Were  the  parents  receiving   support  for  healing  their  attachment  trauma?     In  his  book  In  The  Realm  of  Hungry  Ghosts,  Maté  writes,  “Poor  attunement  is  also  not   something  parents  easily  recall  as  they  strive  to  understand  the  addictive   behaviours  of  their  adult  children.    As  parents  we  make  the  natural  mistake  of   believing  that  the  intense  love  we  feel  for  our  kids  necessarily  means  that  they   actually  receive  that  love  in  a  pure  form.    Further,  parents  who  did  not  have  attuned   caring  as  small  children  may  not  notice  their  difficulty  attuning  to  their  own  infants,   just  as  people  stressed  from  an  early  age  may  not  realize  just  how  stressed  they   often  are.”    (Maté,  2008)     Maté  tells  a  story  of  meeting  with  parents  who  couldn’t  understand  why  their   grown-­‐up  boys  were  struggling  with  substance  addictions  after  growing  up  in  

 

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relative  comfort  and  harmony.    After  an  hour  of  discussion  the  parents  disclosed   that  the  father  had  had  a  daily  cannabis  habit  well  into  their  sons’  adolescence,  and   the  mother  had  undisclosed  rage  about  his  cannabis  use.    The  cannabis  use  and   whatever  it  was  covering  up  and  the  mothers  repressed  rage  certainly  compromised   the  linking  and  differentiation  with  the  boys.    Maté  goes  on  to  explain,  “As  a  rule,   whatever  we  don’t  deal  with  in  our  lives,  we  pass  on  to  our  children.    Our  unfinished   emotional  business  becomes  theirs.    As  a  therapist  said  to  me,  ‘Children  swim  in   their  parents’  unconscious  like  fish  swim  in  the  sea.’”  (Maté,  2008)     It’s  important  to  note  that  a  child  can  have  different  attachment  styles  with  different   parents  and  caregivers,  depending  on  the  attachment  style  that  each  parent  and   caregiver  brings  to  the  relationship.    In  other  words,  if  a  father  has  an  avoidant   insecure  attachment  style,  then  he  will  have  avoidant  insecure  attachment  with  his   children.    If  those  same  children  have  a  mother  with  an  ambivalent  insecure   attachment  style,  then  they  will  have  ambivalent  insecure  attachment  with  their   mother.    (It’s  also  possible  that  children  become  avoidantly  attached  to  an   ambivalent  parent  as  a  way  to  cope  with  the  difficulties  of  the  parent’s  ambivalent   attachment  style.)         Although  adults  can  have  different  attachment  styles  with  different  people  and  in   different  circumstances,  most  adults  have  one  attachment  style  that  is  their  default   style,  especially  in  intimate  partnerships.    The  default  attachment  style  that  a  child   ends  up  with  once  he  becomes  an  adult  and  leaves  home  usually  comes  from  the  

 

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parent  who  was  the  primary  caregiver  during  the  first  years  of  life.    This  is  because   there  is  a  tremendous  amount  of  brain  development  and  implicit  learning  that   happens  during  the  first  three  to  four  years  of  life.    However,  if  a  child  suffers  lots  of   attachment  trauma  during  the  early  years  of  life,  a  lot  of  healing  could  take  place  if  a   securely  attached  caregiver  became  the  primary  caregiver  for  a  long  enough  period   of  the  child’s  upbringing.      Other  adults  and  caregivers  who  have  secure   attachment—extended  family,  teachers,  and  counselors—can  make  a  positive   difference  for  children  with  insecurely  attached  or  disorganized  parents.         One  of  the  most  hopeful  things  that  neuroscience  has  discovered  is  that  our  brains   are  neuroplastic,  which  means  that  problematic  neural  networks  (neural  networks   that  were  formed  to  adapt  to  attachment  trauma)  can  be  undone  and  healthy  ones   developed,  given  enough  of  the  right  kind  of  support.    Furthermore,  while  some   parts  of  the  brain  are  only  neuroplastic  during  certain  periods  of  life,  attachment   neural  networks  are  some  of  the  most  neuroplastic  in  the  brain  and  can  be  rewired   throughout  life.    Those  of  us  who  are  aware  of  our  attachment  issues  and  willing  to   do  our  inner  work  can  keep  moving  toward  Earned  Secure  Attachment.    Earned   Secure  Attachment  is  the  term  used  when  you  heal  from  the  insecure  or   disorganized  attachment  you  developed  growing  up  (a  participant  in  one  of  my   workshops  reframed  Earned  Secure  to  Learned  Secure,  which  I  like).    Rewiring   neural  networks  for  learned  secure  attachment  does  take  commitment,  time,  and   often  requires  support,  but  it’s  crucial  for  ongoing  differentiation  and  very   necessary  for  those  who  want  to  build  great  relationships.  

 

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  The  purpose  of  increasing  awareness  about  Attachment  Theory  and  attachment   styles  is  not  to  have  new  labels  with  which  to  judge  and  diagnose  people.    The   purpose  is  to  bring  more  understanding  to  some  of  the  causes  of  challenging   relationship  dynamics  and  patterns.    While  it’s  true  that  we  all  have  our  own   temperament  and  genetic  makeup,  as  mammals  our  brain  development  is  very   much  influenced  by  our  early-­‐life  experience  of  relationships  with  parents.     However,  while  there  is  a  strong  focus  in  Attachment  Theory  on  the  parent-­‐child   relationship,  it’s  crucial  to  continue  remembering  that  the  biggest  influence  on  the   parent-­‐child  relationship  is  the  culture  in  which  they  live.    Three  studies  done  by   Notre  Dame  Psychology  Professor  Darcia  Narvaez  show  that  the  most  supportive   environment  for  child-­‐rearing  is  the  one  children  had  for  about  ninety  percent  of   human  history:  foraging  hunter-­‐gatherer  societies  in  which  children  had  lots  of   physical  contact  and  care  by  parents  and  other  familiar  adults  in  the  tribe,  lots  of   responsive  care,  and  lots  of  outdoor  play  with  other  children  of  various  ages     (Science  Daily,  2010).     Although  most  of  us  can’t  return  to  a  foraging  hunter-­‐gatherer  way  of  life,  there  is   much  we  can  do  to  create  a  culture  for  attachment.    Imagine  the  depth  of  secure   attachment  there  could  be  in  a  culture  where  the  mother  or  father  could  take  long   maternity  or  paternity  leaves;  where  parents  had  as  much  extended  family  support   or  community  support  as  they  needed  to  nurture  their  babies  and  children;  where   right/wrong,  good/bad,  and  punishment/reward  thinking  was  replaced  with  how-­‐

 

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can-­‐we-­‐work-­‐together-­‐to-­‐meet-­‐all-­‐needs  thinking;  and  where  we  have  win/win,   power-­‐with,  and  restorative  solutions  to  conflict,  instead  of  win/lose,  power-­‐over,   punitive,  or  destructive  solutions  to  conflict.         The  attachment  trauma  passed  down  to  us  from  our  parents  and  our  ancestors   doesn’t  belong  to  any  one  of  us;  it  belongs  to  all  of  us,  including  those  who’ve  come   before  us.    What  gives  me  the  most  confidence  that  we  can  create  a  healthy  culture   is  the  idea  of  lots  of  support  for  transforming  our  attachment  trauma,  loving  our  shit,   and  remembering  our  wholeness.     ADULT  ATTACHMENT   Following  are  outlines  of  the  characteristics  of  attachment  styles  for  adults.    As  you   will  see,  they  correspond  with  the  characteristics  of  the  attachment  styles  between   children  and  parents.    Some  adult  attachment  assessments  include  two  styles  of   avoidant  insecure  attachment  (dismissive  and  fearful)  and  use  the  term  preoccupied   instead  of  ambivalent  and  don’t  include  disorganized  attachment.    The  outlines   below  are  my  effort  to  bring  together  and  clarify  the  different  terms  for  attachment   styles  from  different  attachment  theory  models.     The  outlines  below  are  not  exhaustive,  nor  do  they  capture  the  full  complexity  of   attachment  styles  and  what  it  means  to  be  human.    They  are  meant  to  give  you  a   general  sense  of  attachment  styles  for  adults.    Keep  in  mind  that  attachment  styles   are  on  a  spectrum,  which  means  that  you  may  fall  somewhere  between  avoidant  and  

 

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secure  or  between  disorganized  ambivalent.    In  other  words,  you  may  have  some   characteristics  from  one  attachment  style  and  some  characteristics  from  other   styles.    For  a  more  detailed  attachment  assessments  go  to  www.yourpersonality.net   and  scroll  down  to  the  last  two  options.     SECURE  ATTACHMENT  AND  LEARNED  SECURE  ATTACHMENT     (As  mentioned  above,  Learned  Secure  Attachment  happens  when  someone  develops       an  insecure  attachment  style  with  his/her  parents  but  does  the  necessary  healing       work  to  develop  secure  attachment  as  an  adult.    It’s  more  commonly  known  as       Earned  Secure  Attachment,  but  I  prefer  Learned  Secure  Attachment.)       1.        I’m  comfortable  sharing  vulnerable  emotions.         2.        I  enjoy  sharing  more  personally  and  openly  with  people  I  care  about.         3.        I  don’t  take  responsibility  for  other  people’s  feelings  and  needs.         4.        I  care  about  others’  feelings  and  needs  and  reach  out  to  offer  support.         5.        I’m  comfortable  reaching  out  for  support,  including  emotional  support.                       6.        I  can  be  present  and  supportive  for  others  when  they  are  emotional.         7.        I  take  responsibility  for  my  actions  and  make  repairs  when  necessary.         8.        I  am  comfortable  being  by  myself.         9.        I  experience  a  broad  range  of  emotions  and  I’m  able  to  calm  myself  when  there                      are  more  difficult  ones  or  reach  out  for  help  to  calm  stronger  emotions.       10.    I  can  accept  with  compassion  that  I  have  challenges  and  that  there’s  always                      room  to  grow.         11.    I  enjoy  physical  intimacy  and  expressions  of  affection.      

 

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  12.    I  can  initiate  discussions  about  conflict  and  can  wait  for  an  appropriate  time.                       13.    I  feel  comfortable  with  relying  on  others  and  having  others  rely  on  me.                             DISMISSIVE  AVOIDANT  INSECURE  ATTACHMENT     (Sometimes  known  simply  as  Avoidant  Insecure  Attachment)     1.        I’m  not  comfortable  with  sharing  vulnerable  emotions.         2.        I  don’t  enjoy  being  intimate/sharing  more  personally  and  openly  with  those  I                            care  about  or  with  people  in  general.         3.        I  don’t  tend  to  take  responsibility  for  my  partner’s  feelings  and  needs.         4.        It’s  not  easy  or  natural  for  me  to  express  care  for  other’s  feeling  and  needs.    I                      prefer  to  give  advice  or  do  things  for  others.    I  may  offer  more  than  I  can  give                        because  I  don’t  want  to  admit  that  I  have  needs  too.    Or,  I  may  find  others  too                      needy.         5.        It’s  not  easy  for  me  to  reach  out  for  help,  especially  emotional  help.         6.        I  feel  uncomfortable  or  impatient  or  contemptuous  when  others  express                    vulnerable  or  emotions.         7.        It  isn’t  easy  for  me  to  admit  I’ve  made  a  mistake  or  to  make  repairs.         8.        I  like  lots  of  time  to  myself  but  fill  that  time  with  work,  entertainment,  or                    other  distractions  that  keep  me  from  looking  more  deeply  at  myself.         9.        I  have  a  narrow  range  of  emotions,  especially  when  I’m  with  others;  I  mostly                      feel  fine  or  good  or  frustrated  or  irritated.           10.    I’m  not  interested  in  ongoing  growth  or  inner  work,  or  I  don’t  think  I  need  any  

 

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                 more  growth  or  inner  work.    Or,  I’m  not  aware  that  I  need  more  growth  and                      inner  work.     11.    I’m  not  comfortable  with  physical  intimacy—cuddling,  warm  hugs,  etc.—and                      other  expressions  of  affection,  except  for  sexual  intimacy.         12.    When  there  is  conflict  with  a  partner,  I’d  rather  deal  with  it  quickly  and  logically                      and  then  move  forward  or  just  leave  it  behind.         13.    I  mostly  don’t  think  I  need  others.    I  don’t  like  to  rely  on  others.    I  don’t  like                      having  others  rely  on  me.         14.    My  partner  and  others  tell  me  they’d  like  me  to  show  or  share  more  of  myself.     15.    I  often  view  myself  more  positively  than  I  view  my  partner;  I  tend  to  think  I’m                    more  capable,  stronger,  smarter,  more  together  than  my  partner  or  others.    I                      don’t  tend  to  worry  about  what  my  partner  thinks  of  me.         16.    I  often  withdraw  from  my  partner  (physically  or  emotionally)  without                      saying  anything.             AMBIVALENT  INSECURE  ATTACHMENT     (Also  known  as  Preoccupied  or  Anxious  Insecure  Attachment)     1.      Sometimes  I’m  comfortable  sharing  vulnerable  emotions  and  sometimes  I’m                    embarrassed  or  ashamed  when  I  share  them.         2.      I  tend  to  share  more  than  my  partner  wants  to  hear  out  of  my  longing  to  be  close                  with  her  or  him.         3.      I  tend  to  take  responsibility  for  my  partner’s  feelings  and  needs.         4.      I  tend  to  care  too  much  about  others’  feelings  and  needs  and  offer  more    

 

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               support  than  is  healthy  for  me  to  give  (or,  perhaps,  for  the  other  to  receive).    Or,                    I  can  be  too  overwhelmed  with  my  own  emotions  and  challenges  to  offer                          support.         5.      I  tend  to  want  more  emotional  support  from  my  partner  than  she  or  he  is  willing                  or  able  to  give.    This  can  be  true  of  others  in  my  life  too.         6.        Sometimes  I  can  be  present  and  supportive  for  others  when  they  are  emotional.                    Sometimes  I  get  too  emotional  or  anxious  to  stay  present  when  others  are                      emotional,  which  may  lead  to  my  offering  advice  or  going  into  my  issues.                         7.        I  tend  to  avoid  taking  responsibility  for  my  actions  and  making  repairs                      because  I’m  afraid  I’ll  lose  my  partner’s  love.         8.        I’m  not  comfortable  being  by  myself.         9.        I  have  a  broad  range  of  emotions,  but  I  tend  to  get  flooded  or  overwhelmed  by                      painful  or  upset  emotions.         10.    I  struggle  to  have  compassion  for  myself  when  I  have  challenges.             11.    I  enjoy  physical  intimacy  and  expressions  of  affection  and  usually  want  more                      than  my  partner  gives  me.    Sometimes  I  don’t  want  as  much  sexual  intimacy  as                    my  partner  because  I’m  not  experiencing  enough  emotional  intimacy.         12.    When  there’s  conflict,  I  have  a  hard  time  regulating  my  emotions  and  it’s  very                      painful  if  my  partner  doesn’t  understand  me.    I  want  to  talk  it  through  right                        away  and  keep  talking  it  through  until  it’s  resolved.         13.    I  want  to  rely  on  others  but  deep  down  I  don’t  trust  others  can  be  there  for  me.                    I’m  ok  with  having  others  rely  on  me  but  can  get  anxious  about  it  too.         14.    I  have  a  hard  time  trusting  that  others  love  and  value  me  as  much  as  I  love  and  

 

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                 value  them.         15.    I  sometimes  view  myself  less  positively  than  my  partner  and  worry  about  what                    he  or  she  thinks  of  me.         16.    I  want  to  merge  completely  with  my  partner  and  this  often  scares  them.         FEARFUL  AVOIDANT  INSECURE  ATTACHMENT     1.        I’m  not  comfortable  sharing  vulnerable  emotions.         2.        I’m  not  comfortable  sharing  more  personally  and  openly  with  people  I                    care  about  or  with  people  in  general.         3.        I  take  responsibility  for  other  people’s  feelings  and  needs.         4.        I’m  not  confident  in  my  ability  to  support  others.         5.        I’m  not  comfortable  reaching  out  for  support,  including  emotional  support.       6.        I’m  uncomfortable  or  anxious  when  others  are  emotional.         7.        I  tend  not  to  take  responsibility  for  my  actions  and  make  repairs  when                      necessary.         8.        I  feel  safe  being  by  myself  but  lonely  too.         9.        I  have  a  narrow  range  of  emotions.         10.    I  tend  to  be  very  hard  on  myself  and  sometimes  believe  there  is  something                      fundamentally  wrong  with  or  broken  in  me.         11.    I  don’t  enjoy  physical  intimacy  and  expressions  of  affection.         12.    I  tend  to  avoid  conflict.         13.    I  acknowledge  I  need  others  but  don’t  feel  comfortable  relying  on  others  and                      having  others  rely  on  me.      

 

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  14.      I  don’t  view  myself  or  my  partner  positively.         15.      I  want  close  relationships  but  it’s  hard  for  me  to  trust  others.             DISORGANIZED  ATTACHMENT   Some  attachment  style  assessments  for  adults  do  not  include  Disorganized       Attachment  as  an  attachment  style.      However,  if  a  child  had  a  disorganized       attachment  with  a  primary  parent,  he  or  she  will  likely  be  disorganized  in  their       adult  relationships  and  struggle  more  with  mental  health.    Adults  with  Disorganized       Attachment  tend  to  have  more  intense  reactions  and  can  go  more  easily  into  rage  or       dissociation.      The  social  engagement  system  in  their  brains  is  impaired  or  less       developed,  making  it  difficult  to  empathize  or  pick  up  emotional  signals  or  social       cues.      Adults  with  Disorganized  Attachment  have  difficulty  making  coherent  sense       of  themselves  and  of  their  lives  and  are  more  likely  to  have  mental  health       challenges.     1.      I  can  lose  myself  easily  in  rage  or  dissociation.         2.      I  may  have  more  harmful  addictions.         3.      My  behaviour  toward  others  or  myself  can  be  quite  violent.    Or,  I  can  be  very                    closed  off  from  others.         4.      During  my  upbringing  I  had  consistently  terrifying  or  terrified  parents  or                    and  no  securely  attached  parents  or  caregivers  who  were                    consistently  caring  for  me.         5.      I  have  a  hard  time  empathizing  with  others  and  picking  up  social  cues.        

 

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6.      I  may  have  more  difficult  mental  health  challenges.         7.      It’s  very  challenging  for  me  to  make  or  keep  close  friends.         8.      I  don’t  trust  others  and  have  a  hard  time  feeling  safe.           While  it’s  likely  that  adults  raised  with  secure  attachment  will  likely  have  an  easier   time  differentiating  and  linking  in  adult  relationships,  most  people  have  room  to   grow  in  both  areas.      It’s  difficult  to  create  the  level  of  secure  attachment  possible   between  parents  and  children  in  our  current  culture,  which  means  it’s  difficult  for   children  to  become  adults  who  have  secure  attachment  styles.     A  friend  of  mine  once  told  me  about  her  challenges  and  growth  as  a  self-­‐identified   ambivalently  attached  person  (with  several  characteristics  of  secure  attachment,  in   my  opinion).    She  had  been  married  for  several  years  and  had  dreamed  of  deepening   intimacy  (linking)  with  her  partner  in  various  ways,  but  her  partner  had  not  been   responsive  to  many  of  her  strategies  for  linking.    As  you  can  imagine,  this  had  been   quite  challenging  for  my  friend.    She  told  me  she  had  sometimes  wondered  about   whether  or  not  they  would  remain  married.    However,  my  friend  didn’t  want  to  give   up  and  decided  to  deepen  further  into  her  NVC  practice.    She’d  been  practicing  NVC   for  several  years  and  had  been  struggling,  like  most  people  do,  with  the  most   difficult  parts  of  the  NVC  practice:  separating  needs  from  strategies;  not  being   attached  to  how  needs  are  met  externally;  being  willing  to  hear  “no”  and  valuing  the   needs  behind  the  “no.”    She  had  really  wanted  her  needs  for  love,  intimacy,  joy,   affection,  passion,  and  emotional  closeness  to  be  met  by  her  partner.    But  her  

 

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partner  didn’t  want  to  meet  those  needs  the  way  she  wanted  to.    After  some  deeper   inner  work  my  friend  began  to  look  for  other  ways  to  meet  her  needs  without   breaking  any  of  their  martial  agreements.    She  met  her  needs  more  on  the  inner   level,  which  included  doing  healing  work  for  her  attachment  trauma,  and  she  found   ways  to  meet  her  needs  externally  that  didn’t  involve  asking  anything  of  her  partner,   much  of  which  involved  her  doing  more  things  that  inspired  her  and  brought  her   more  alive.    What  she  found  was  that,  as  she  did  more  of  her  inner  work  while  also   meeting  her  needs  externally,  she  was  able  to  have  more  empathy  and  compassion   for  her  partner.    She  intentionally  did  things  to  meet  him  where  he  was  at,  including   giving  him  more  space.    Eventually,  he  began  to  initiate  more  linking  with  her.    Even   though  the  kind  of  linking  he  was  initiating  wasn’t  the  kind  she  had  dreamed  of  she   was  touched  by  his  efforts  and  less  attached  to  her  former  dreams  for  linking.     I’m  very  inspired  by  my  friend’s  story,  especially  because  I  know  how  difficult  it  can   be  to  do  the  inner  work  of  NVC  and  healing  attachment  trauma.    As  intimate   relationships  unfold  and  the  implicit  memories  and  reactions  get  stronger,  it  can  be   extremely  challenging  to  be  aware  of  what’s  happening  and  why  and  then  take  full   responsibility  for  your  part.    When  things  have  gotten  very  difficult  in  my   relationships,  my  strongest  desires  have  been  to  have  my  partner  change  and  to  run   away.         The  more  inner  work  I  do  the  more  I  understand  and  am  aware  of  my  attachment   trauma  and  how  affects  all  my  important  relationships.    I  notice  there  are  times  

 

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when  I’m  more  open  than  I  have  been  in  the  past,  and  still  lots  of  times  when   withdraw  or  close  down  and  hold  things  in.    What  I  celebrate  most  about  what’s   different  for  me  since  attending  more  to  my  attachment  trauma  is  that  I  reach  out   for  support  more  often,  I  do  more  repairs,  I  hold  myself  with  more  compassion,  and   I’m  doing  more  of  what  I  love,  like  writing  songs.     Time  Travelers:  For  the  Parts  That  Got  Left  Behind     Heart  Warrior   No  weapons,  no  armour   Will  you  venture  out   And  meet  me  on  Rumi's  field   Where  the  grass  is  on  fire   With  Glorious  truth     Heart  Warrior   When  will  you  go   Where  no  one  else  can  go   When  will  you  go     Will  you  help  me  drop  through   A  lifetime  of  illusions   With  fear  and  desire     We  step  to  the  edge   And  then  we’re  diving  in     Where  the  water  meets  the  ashes   And  shadows  turn  into  clay     Heart  Sculptor   Where  is  the  mould   For  the  parts  that  got  left  behind   The  parts  that  don’t  know   That  we’re  time  travelers     Heart  Warrior   No  weapons,  no  armour   With  fear  and  desire   We  venture  out   And  then  we’re  diving  in   Where  the  grass  is  on  fire  

  And  shadows  turn  into  clay     Heart  Sculptor   When  will  you  go   Where  no  one  else  can  go   To  the  parts  that  got  left  behind   The  parts  that  don’t  know   That  we’re  time  travelers                                            

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Chapter  4.    Memory  and  Attachment  Trauma     In  order  to  compost  attachment  trauma  so  that  it  can  enrich  your  life,  it  helps  to   understand  more  about  how  it  is  stored  and  how  it  can  be  transformed.     Attachment  trauma  is  stored  as  unintegrated  implicit  memories  from  the  painful   loss  of  linking  and  differentiation  with  parents.    Therefore,  in  order  to  understand   attachment  trauma  (or  any  other  type  of  trauma),  it’s  important  to  understand   memory.     EXPLICIT  MEMORY   Humans  have  two  kinds  of  memory,  Implicit  and  Explicit.    We  use  explicit  memory   all  the  time.    Explicit  memory  involves  recalling  something  from  the  past,  either  an   episode  or  a  fact.    For  example,  I  could  give  you  all  kinds  of  explicit  memories  of   episodes  from  my  time  as  a  river  guide:  crashing  through  rapids,  gazing  at   mountains,  floating  under  the  hot  sun,  battling  fierce  weather  (don’t  get  me  started).   Or,  I  could  give  you  explicit  memories  of  facts  I’ve  stored  about  the  brain.    For   example:  the  human  brain  has  two  hemispheres;  the  outer  layer  of  the  brain  is   called  the  cortex  and  it  has  four  outer  lobes  that  specialize  in  different  functions;   there  is  a  limbic  system  that  is  also  known  as  the  mammalian  brain;  and  a  brain   stem  that  is  also  known  as  the  reptilian  brain,  and  so  on.        

 

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Storing  and  recalling  explicit  memory  is  one  of  the  functions  of  the  hippocampus,   which  is  part  of  the  limbic  system.  There  are  two  hippocampi,  one  in  each   hemisphere  of  the  brain.    The  left  hemisphere  hippocampus  stores  and  recalls  facts;   the  right  hemisphere  hippocampus  stores  and  remembers  episodes,  which  are   autobiographical  stories.    Explicit  memory  begins  at  about  18  months  of  age  and   requires  conscious  attention  to  be  stored.           Explicit  memory   •

Episodes  and  facts  

•

An  experience  of  recalling  something  from  the  past  

•

Hippocampus    

•

Begins  at  about  18  months  

•

Conscious  attention  required  to  store  explicit  memory  

  IMPLICIT  MEMORY   We  use  Implicit  Memory  all  the  time  too,  but  without  knowing  it.    Implicit  memory   is  stored  and  recalled  below  the  level  of  conscious  awareness,  and  a  part  of  the  brain   called  the  amygdala  is  very  involved  with  the  storing  and  recalling  of  implicit   memory.  Not  only  is  implicit  memory  stored  and  encoded  without  your  awareness,   it’s  also  stored  without  your  intention  or  effort;  it  simply  goes  in.    Perceptions,   emotions,  actions,  sensations,  and  mental  models  are  all  parts  of  an  implicit  memory.     Mental  models  are  beliefs  you  form  implicitly  about  yourself,  others,  and  the  world   based  on  your  experiences.    The  more  intense  the  perceptions  of  an  experience  are  

 

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(what  you  see,  hear,  touch,  smell,  and  taste),  the  stronger  the  emotions,  actions,   sensations,  and  mental  models  you  have  in  response  to  the  experience.         If  you  are  able  to  process  the  feelings  and  needs  of  an  experience,  as  well  as  make   sense  of  it,  your  hippocampus  can  integrate  the  experience  as  an  explicit  memory,   something  you  can  recall  from  a  particular  time  in  the  past.    If  you  are  unable  to   process  a  painful  experience,  then  the  experience  doesn’t  get  completely  integrated   as  an  explicit  memory  and  parts  of  the  experience  will  only  be  stored  implicitly,   especially  the  most  intense  parts  of  the  experience.    This  means  that  some  of  the   perceptions,  emotions,  actions,  sensations,  and  mental  models  from  the  experience   aren’t  integrated  by  the  hippocampus  as  things  from  the  past.  These  unintegrated   parts  will  continue  to  activate,  without  your  awareness  or  intention  to  recall  them,   each  time  there  is  another  experience  that  is  similar  to  the  original  intense   experience.    For  example,  a  friend  of  mine  was  in  the  Vietnam  War  and  had  several   traumatic  experiences  there,  including  a  near-­‐death  experience.    When  he  returned   from  the  war,  he  would  dive  for  cover  when  he  heard  loud  sounds  like  a  car   backfiring.    He  told  me  of  one  time  when  he  was  walking  with  a  woman  on  a  date   and  a  car  backfired.    His  implicit  response  was  to  grab  her  and  dive  into  the  bushes   (which  did  not  impress  her  at  all).     When  you  get  very  upset  in  relationship,  saying  or  doing  things  you’ll  later  regret,  or   you  shut  down,  go  numb,  or  withdraw,  an  implicit  memory,  probably  from   childhood,  has  very  likely  been  activated.    Implicit  memory  begins  during  the  last  

 

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trimester  of  pregnancy,  so  it’s  possible  that  an  implicit  memory  could  come  from  the   time  before  you  could  speak  or  store  memory  explicitly.         Implicit  Memory   •

Perceptions,  emotions,  actions/behaviours,  sensations,  mental  models  

•

No  sense  of  recalling  something  

•

Conscious  attention,  intention  and  effort  not  required  to  store  implicit   memory  

•

Amygdala  (plural—amygdalae,  one  in  each  hemisphere  of  the  brain)  

•

Begins  during  last  trimester  of  pregnancy,  possibly  earlier    

  In  his  book  Mindsight  Dr.  Daniel  Siegel  write  in  more  detail  about  memory,  and  he   includes  a  story  about  a  nineteenth  century  neuroscientist  named  Dr.  Clafard  that   helps  to  clarify  explicit  and  implicit  memory  (Siegel,  2010).    Dr.  Clafard  had  a  patient   with  a  damaged  hippocampus,  which  meant  that  each  time  she  came  for  an   appointment  they  had  to  start  over  because  she  wasn’t  storing  explicit  memories  of   her  appointment  and  thus  couldn’t  recall  them.    Dr.  Clafard  decided  to  try  an   experiment  in  which  he  hid  a  pin  in  his  hand  just  before  his  patient  came  for  her   next  appointment.    When  she  arrived  and  they  shook  hands,  she  got  pricked  and   pulled  back  with  shock,  like  anyone  would.      They  had  their  appointment  and  she   went  home.    The  next  time  she  came  for  an  appointment  Dr.  Clafard  did  not  have  a   pin  in  his  hand.    However,  when  he  extended  his  hand  to  shake  hers,  she  pulled  back  

 

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and  would  not  shake  it.    When  Dr.  Clafard  asked  her  why  she  wouldn’t  shake  his   hand,  she  did  not  say  it  was  because  he  had  pricked  her  last  time.    She  couldn’t  say   that  because,  due  to  her  damaged  hippocampus,  she  didn’t  have  an  explicit  memory   of  that  experience  to  recall.    Instead,  she  answered  with  a  mental  model:  “Because   sometimes  doctors  do  things  that  hurt  you.”    This  was  the  belief  she  had  implicitly   formed  based  on  getting  pricked  by  Dr.  Clafard  during  their  last  appointment.     Unfortunately,  unless  her  hippocampus  somehow  healed  and  she  received  support   to  process  that  painful  hand-­‐shaking  experience,  forever  after  she  would  have  an   implicit  response—an  emotion  of  fear,  a  sensation  of  pain,  an  action  of  pulling  away,   and  a  mental  model  of  believing  doctors  sometimes  hurt  people—whenever  a   doctor  or  men  who  looked  like  Dr.  Clafard  extended  a  hand  toward  her.                              

 

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Chapter  5.    The  Vagus  Nerve  (Sometimes  called  the  Vagal  Nerve)     When  you  have  an  intense  experience,  the  amygdala  in  your  brain  sounds  the  alarm   that  there  is  danger.    If  your  self-­‐soothing  neural  pathways  are  strong  enough,  your   middle  prefrontal  cortex  (MPFC)  will  regulate  the  emotions  and  soothe  the   amygdala,  and  your  hippocampus  can  then  integrate  the  experience  as  explicitly   memory.    If  the  intensity  of  the  experience  is  beyond  your  brain’s  capacity  to  self-­‐ soothe,  then  the  vagus  nerve  will  go  into  fight/flight/freeze,  or  faint.    The  vagus   nerve  runs  along  the  spine  from  the  brain  to  the  groin  and  has  three  pathways:  one   pathway  in  which  you  feel  connected  and  engaged  with  others—the  ventral  vagus  or   social  engagement  pathway;  one  pathway  in  which  you  are  compelled  to  fight,  run,   or  freeze  because  you  can’t  decide  whether  to  fight  or  run—the  central  vagus  or   fight/flight/freeze  pathway;  and  one  pathway  in  which  you  faint  or  collapse—the   dorsal  vagus  or  faint  pathway.    Sometimes  the  central  vagus  nerve  is  called  the   fight/flight  pathway  and  the  dorsal  vagus  nerve  is  called  the  freeze  pathway.     VENTRAL  VAGUS  NERVE  or  SOCIAL  ENGAGEMENT   In  the  ventral  vagus  nerve  your  face,  heart  rate  and  blood  pressure  are  responsive,   your  body  is  relaxed,  and  your  hippocampus  and  MPFC  are  online.    You  feel   comfortable  engaging  with  others,  and  you  have  a  sense  of  being  safe,  secure  and   accepted.          

 

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CENTRAL  VAGUS  NERVE  or  FIGHT/FLIGHT/FREEZE   In  the  central  vagus  nerve  your  face  is  frozen  or  contorting  with  feelings  like   frustration,  anger,  worry,  anxiety,  or  fear.    Your  heart  rate  and  blood  pressure  are   rising  and  your  body  is  tense  or  tensing.    Your  amygdala  has  taken  over  or  is  taking   over  the  energy  of  the  brain  and  you’re  losing  or  have  lost  connection  to  your  MPFC   and  hippocampus.    You  feel  afraid  or  angry  or  terrified  due  to  perceived  or  real   danger.    With  your  actions  or  words  you  are  fighting,  fleeing  or  frozen.         DORSAL  VAGUS  NERVE  or  FAINT     In  the  dorsal  vagus  nerve  your  face  is  blank  and  your  heart  rate  and  blood  pressure   are  low.    Your  body  is  collapsed  and  you  feel  hopeless  or  ashamed  or  confused  or   numb,  or  you  are  dissociating  and  feel  little  or  nothing.    The  amygdala  is  taking  over   or  has  taken  over  because  the  danger  or  the  circumstances  are  overwhelming  your   ability  to  cope.     It’s  important  to  note  that,  depending  on  the  intensity  of  the  experience,  you  can  be   in  more  than  one  pathway  of  the  vagus  nerve  at  the  same  time  or  oscillating   between  pathways  of  the  vagus  nerve  and  experience  varying  degrees  of  each  one.     For  example,  if  you  are  irritated  or  frustrated  but  still  able  to  name  feelings  and   needs,  you  are  likely  partly  in  the  central  vagus  pathway  and  partly  in  the  ventral   vagus  pathway.    If  you  are  screaming  and  throwing  things,  you  are  well  into  the   central  vagus  pathway.    If  your  body  is  collapsed  and  you  are  deep  in  shame  or   confusion  or  can’t  feel  your  body  at  all,  you  are  deep  into  the  dorsal  vagus  nerve.      If  

 

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you  are  feeling  some  confusion  or  numbness  but  can  speak  about  it,  you  are  likely   partly  in  the  ventral  vagus  pathway  and  partly  in  the  dorsal  vagus  pathway.    There   are  different  practices  and  tools  to  bring  you  back  into  your  ventral  vagus  nerve,   somatic-­‐based,  resonant  empathy  being  a  powerful  option  (more  about  resonant   empathy  on  page  86).     Of  course  there  are  more  traumatic  experiences  than  a  prick  to  the  hand.   Nonetheless,  I  would  guess  that  Dr.  Clafard’s  patient  went  well  into  her  central   vagus  nerve,  with  her  face  freezing,  heart  rate  and  blood  pressure  spiking,  as  she  felt   the  pain  and  shock  from  being  pricked.                                

 

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THE  VAGUS  NERVE:  THE  THREE  STATES  OF  BEING     (Stephen  Porges  Polyvagal  Theory)               The  Vagus  Nerve  is  in  yellow  and  branches  into  the  jaw,  throat,  chest  and  belly.      

     

SOCIAL   ENGAGEMENT   &  SELF-­ CONNECTION  

  Green  light   Face  is   responsive  

Heart  rate  is   responsive   Blood  pressure   is  responsive   Body  is  flexible   Curiosity,   interest,   passion,  calm   We  feel  safe  and   comfortable   Hippocampus   and  prefrontal   cortex  are   working    

         

         

 

  FIGHT  OR   FLIGHT  

FREEZE  

Yellow  light   Face  is   partially   frozen  ,   angry,  or   scared   Heart  rate   is  high   Blood   pressure  is   high     Body  is   tense   Fear,  anger  

Red  light   Face  is  frozen    

We  are  on   alert  for   danger     Amygdala   territory    

Heart  rate  is   slow   Blood   pressure  is   extremely  low   Body  is   collapsed   Hopelessness,   shame,   confusion   We  don’t  feel   anything,  or   we  feel  numb   Shut-­‐down  

   

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Chapter  6.    The  Amygdala  and  Hippocampus     The  amygdala  in  the  left  hemisphere  is  involved  in  more  pleasurable  emotions  such   as  happiness,  joy,  excitement,  and  curiosity,  although  it’s  also  involved  in  irritation   and  frustration  and  can  handle  moderate  amounts  of  stress.    The  amygdala  in  the   right  hemisphere  is  involved  in  more  painful  emotions  and  higher  levels  of  stress.     The  right  hemisphere  amygdala  is  the  one  that  is  on  the  lookout  for  danger,  be  that  a   threat  to  our  physical  safety  or  emotional  safety—the  loss  of  connection,  acceptance   and  love  from  others.    It’s  constantly  checking  to  see  if  you  are  safe  and  if  you  matter.     The  amygdala  compares  the  present  to  the  past  and  evaluates  whether  present   experiences  are  similar  to  unresolved  traumatic  experiences  from  the  past.    If  a   current  experience  is  close  enough  to  an  unresolved  painful  experience  from  the   past,  the  amygdala  activates  the  implicit  memory  and  the  fight/flight/freeze   response.       It  was  thanks  to  the  amygdala  of  Dr.  Clafard’s  patient  that  the  experience  of  getting   pricked  in  the  hand  was  stored  implicitly.    Then,  it  was  her  amygdala  that  activated   the  implicit  memory  and  fight/flight/freeze  vagus  nerve  (her  flight  response  of   pulling  away)  when  Dr.  Clafard  extended  his  hand  toward  her  the  next  time  they   met.         My  amygdala  has  been  quite  proficient  at  sounding  the  alarm  when  I’m  speaking  in   front  of  groups  or  playing  music  for  others.    It  has  been  challenging  for  me  to  

 

  become  confident  and  relaxed  as  a  public  speaker,  workshop  facilitator,  and  

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musician  because  of  some  disasters  I  had  performing  in  front  of  groups  as  an   adolescent.    As  an  adolescent,  I’m  sure  my  amygdala  formed  a  mental  model  that   performing  leads  to  disaster.    It’s  been  trying  to  protect  me  from  more  disasters   ever  since  by  encouraging  me  to  run  when  I’m  in  front  of  a  group.    When  I  began   public  speaking,  I  used  to  feel  hot  bolts  of  energy  zap  through  my  body  just  thinking   about  an  upcoming  presentation.    I  have  much  less  nervousness  these  days,  thanks   to  the  inner  work  I’ve  done  and  to  the  self-­‐soothing  resources  that  I  have.     The  amygdala  lives  in  the  ever-­‐present  past,  which  means  it  doesn’t  know  that  time   has  passed  since  traumatic  events  and  that  things  have  changed.    It’s  the  job  of  the   hippocampus  in  the  right  hemisphere  to  integrate  events,  put  events  in  their  proper   place  in  time,  and  create  a  biography  of  the  events  of  life  unfolding  over  time.     Unlike  Dr.  Clafard’s  patient,  most  of  us  have  healthy  hippocampi.    However,  when  an   intense  experience  occurs,  the  integrative  capacity  of  the  hippocampus  is  shut  down   or  overwhelmed  by  the  cortisol  and  adrenaline  released  in  the  brain.    The  more   intense  or  traumatic  an  event,  the  more  the  hippocampus  is  shut  down.     In  his  book  The  Neuroscience  of  Psychotherapy,  Dr.  Louis  Cozolino  writes  about  the   Japanese  soldiers  who  were  left  on  islands  in  the  South  Pacific  Ocean  after  World   War  II,  and  no  one  told  them  the  war  was  over.    For  years  after  the  war  those   Japanese  soldiers  attacked  tourists  who  visited  the  island  in  their  private  boats.    The   soldiers  didn’t  know  the  people  landing  on  the  islands  were  tourists;  they  were  still   fighting  a  war  they  didn’t  know  was  over.    Dr.  Cozolino  uses  this  true  story  as  an  

 

  allegory  for  the  amygdala,  which  is  still  fighting  battles  from  our  past  that  it  

49  

doesn’t  know  are  over  (Cozolino,  2010).     The  Limbic  System  (The  Pink  and  Blue  Parts)    

  Our  hippocampi  and  amygdalae  can  work  together  and  remain  integrated  if  we  have   the  support  we  need  to  feel  all  our  feelings,  connect  to  our  needs,  makes  sense  of   experiences.    When  we  have  a  traumatic  experience  that  we  don’t  get  to  feel  and   make  sense  of,  the  implicit  memory  is  stored  by  a  neural  network  not  completely   linked  to  the  hippocampus  and  therefore  not  fully  integrated  with  the  rest  of  the   brain  (the  hippocampus  integrates  several  different  parts  of  the  brain).          

 

  UNINTEGRATED  NEURAL  NETWORKS  

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It’s  these  unintegrated  neural  networks  that  hold  the  implicit  responses  that  are   activated  when  the  amygdala  perceives  something  that  is  similar  to  the  original   traumatic  events.    If  we  get  the  empathy  and  support  we  need  to  feel  the  feelings   and  connect  to  the  needs  involved  in  the  trauma,  then  the  amygdala  calms  down  and   the  hippocampus  can  complete  the  integration  of  that  neural  network.      The  implicit   memory  becomes  explicit  and  we  can  restore  the  trust  and  safety  that  were  lost  in   the  trauma.    For  example,  Dr.  Clafard’s  patient  would  be  able  to  stay  relaxed  while   shaking  the  hands  of  doctors  if  her  hippocampus  healed  and  she  received  support  to   process  her  experience  of  getting  pricked  in  the  hand  by  Dr.  Clafard.    Getting   empathy  and  support  for  my  painful  performances  has  helped  me  be  more  relaxed   as  a  public  speaker  and  facilitator.    Fortunately,  it’s  never  too  late  to  get  empathy   and  support  for  past  trauma.         In  terms  of  relationships,  it’s  critical  to  understand  that  not  only  are  physically   painful  experiences  intense  and  traumatic,  emotionally  painful  experiences  are   intense  and  traumatic  too.    The  same  parts  of  the  brain  that  processes  physical  pain   (the  dorsal  cingulate  cortex  and  the  anterior  insula)  also  processes  emotional  pain.     As  mammals,  our  survival  as  children  is  dependent  upon  our  connection  with  our   parents,  on  knowing  that  we  matter  to  them  and  are  loved  by  them.    This  is  why  the   amygdala  is  not  just  on  the  lookout  for  physical  threats,  but  also  for  threats  to   connection  and  belonging.      The  amygdala  is  wired  to  sound  the  alarm  that  activates   the  fight/flight/freeze  vagus  nerve  when  there  is  a  break  in  connection  between   parents  and  children.    In  other  words,  children’s  brains  are  wired  to  let  their  parents  

 

  know  when  they  don’t  feel  connected.    If  that  weren’t  the  case,  children  would  

51  

wander  off  and  get  eaten  by  predators.    If  there  isn’t  attuned  responsiveness  from   parents,  a  child’s  brain  will  give  up  on  the  fight/flight/freeze  vagus  nerve  and  go   into  the  faint  vagus  nerve,  coping  with  non-­‐responsive  parents  by  shutting  down   emotions  and  dissociating  from  the  underlying  anxiety  and  fear  from  their  insecure   attachment.    If  there  is  inconsistent  and  non-­‐attuned  responses  from  parents,  the   child  will  become  more  easily  upset  and  more  difficult  to  soothe  because  she  is  not   getting  the  support  she  needs  to  regulate  her  fear.    Instead  of  pinpricks  to  the  hand,   breaks  in  connection  are  pinpricks  to  a  sense  of  security  and  acceptance  and  also   activate  painful  feelings.         Imagine  a  little  boy  named  Bobby.    Bobby  is  four  years  old  and  wants  to  play  with   his  older  brother  Joey,  but  Joey  doesn’t  want  to  play  with  him  and  pushes  him  away.     Bobby’s  amygdala  shifts  his  vagus  nerve  into  fight/flight/freeze.    Bobby  is  hurt  and   upset  and  does  what  four-­‐year-­‐old  brains  are  wired  to  do:  he  goes  to  one  of  his   parents  to  get  comfort.    He  finds  his  mom  and  with  tears  and  sniffles  he  tells  her   how  Joey  doesn’t  want  to  play  with  him.    Bobby’s  mom  has  an  avoidant  attachment   style.    She  grew  up  with  parents  that  couldn’t  help  her  soothe  her  upset  emotions,  so   she  formed  a  mental  model  that  people  have  to  be  tough  to  survive.    She  thinks   Bobby  is  too  sensitive  and  emotional  and  isn’t  able  to  comfort  Bobby  and  help  him   regulate  his  emotions.    Instead  she  tells  him  to  not  let  it  bother  him  and  to  go  and   find  something  else  to  do.        

 

  52   If  Bobby’s  mom  doesn’t  receive  the  help  she  needs  to  be  present  with  emotions,   and  if  Bobby  doesn’t  have  another  adult  to  support  him  with  his  vulnerable   emotions,  Bobby  will  learn  that  he  has  to  be  tough  to  survive  and  will  form  mental   models  that  it’s  not  ok  to  have  emotions  or  to  ask  for  help.    He  will  grow  up  to  be  a   man  with  an  avoidant  attachment  style:  cut  off  from  his  emotions,  uncomfortable   with  intimacy  (except,  perhaps,  for  sexual  intimacy),  unable  to  ask  for  help  or   comfort  others  effectively.    Bob  will  find  those  who  express  emotions  to  be  too   sensitive  and  needy.    The  last  thing  his  amygdala  will  want  to  do  is  open  up,  express   emotion,  ask  for  help,  or  comfort  others  because  it  wasn’t  safe  or  acceptable  for  him   to  do  so  in  the  past.         However,  if  Bob  doesn’t  reach  out  for  support  to  heal  his  attachment  trauma  and   restore  his  capacity  to  feel,  he  will  need  ways  to  block  out  his  unresolved  pain:   alcohol,  drugs,  TV,  video  games,  gambling,  shopping,  internet,  over-­‐working,   pornography,  food.    (Even  seemingly  healthy  things  like  exercise  or  spiritual   practices  could  become  strategies  for  bypassing  unresolved  pain.)         Many  of  us  block  out  our  attachment  trauma  and  painful  feelings  with  any  number   of  addictions.    As  teenager  and  adult,  I’ve  used,  to  varying  degrees,  TV,  video  games,   alcohol,  drugs,  work,  extreme  sports,  and  yoga  to  block  out  my  attachment  trauma.     These  days  I  tend  to  use  food  or  exercise  or  work  to  distract  myself  when  implicit   memories  from  my  attachment  trauma  surface,  if  I  don’t  make  the  choice  to  give   myself  empathy  or  reach  out  for  support.    In  a  society  that  values  strength,  

 

  accomplishment,  productivity,  independence,  and  self-­‐sufficiency,  it  takes  

53  

courage  to  reach  out  for  help  and  take  the  time  for  inner  work.     In  order  for  Bob  to  learn  how  to  have  secure  attachment  and  have  healthy,  vibrant   relationships  with  partners  or  with  children,  he  needs  to  process  and  integrate  his   painful  implicit  memories  of  not  receiving  emotional  support  and  comfort.    Doing  so   will  allow  him  to  share  more  of  his  emotions  with  others  and  support  others  with   their  emotions.    Bob  may  convince  himself  that  he  is  good  and  that  his  relationships   are  fine  but  not  realize  or  want  to  admit  the  lack  of  depth,  passion,  playfulness,  and   creativity  in  his  life  and  his  relationships.    Without  identifying  and  processing  his   implicit  reactions,  he  will  not  be  able  to  contribute  to  an  evolution  of  linking  and   differentiation  necessary  for  more  meaningful,  rich  relationships  and  for  a  more   meaningful  and  rewarding  life.         Imagine  a  little  girl  named  Susie.    Susie  is  four  years  old  and  wants  to  play  with  her   older  sister  Sally.    Sally  doesn’t  want  to  play  with  Susie  and  tells  her  to  go  away.       Susie’s  amygdala  shifts  her  vagus  nerve  into  fight/flight/freeze.  Sally  gets  upset  and   does  what  four-­‐year-­‐old  brains  are  wired  to  do:  she  goes  to  get  comfort  from  one  of   her  parents.    She  finds  her  dad  and  with  tears  and  sniffles  tells  him  that  Sally  doesn’t   want  to  play  with  her.    Susie’s  dad  has  an  ambivalent  attachment  style.    He  attempts   to  comfort  Susie  but  is  anxious  about  his  daughter  being  upset  (he’s  trying  to   comfort  her  while  he  is  in  his  fight/flight/freeze  vagus  nerve),  so  Susie  isn’t  easily   soothed.    Finally,  Dad  gives  Susie  some  cookies  and  ice  cream  and  helps  himself  to   some  too.      

 

   

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If  Susie  doesn’t  have  another  adult  in  her  life  with  whom  to  receive  consistent   attuned  support,  or  if  Susie’s  father  doesn’t  get  the  support  he  needs  to  shift  his   anxiety  and  offer  Susie  attuned  support,  Susie  will  very  likely  grow  up  to  be  a   woman  named  Sue  with  an  Ambivalent  Insecure  Attachment  Style.    Sue  will  want  to   merge  completely  with  her  lovers  but  not  trust  they  can  really  be  there  for  her  and   love  her  as  much  as  she  loves  them.    She  will  be  easily  flooded  by  her  emotions   when  she’s  upset  and  likely  use  food  or  other  addictions  to  soothe  her  emotions.         Sue  will  have  a  much  better  chance  of  having  a  healthy,  vibrant  relationship  if  she   can  find  consistent,  attuned  emotional  support  and  develop  her  capacity  for   emotional  self-­‐regulation.    Her  partner  might  sometimes  be  able  to  help  her  regulate   her  emotions,  but  being  her  only  emotional  support  will  compromise  differentiation   and  leave  him  overwhelmed  or  scared  or  resentful.         There  are  processes  partners  can  use  to  co-­‐regulate  when  both  are  upset,  and  co-­‐ regulation  is  powerful  way  to  heal  attachment  trauma.    However,  having  other   strategies  for  emotional  regulation—counseling  or  therapy,  empathy  buddies,  self-­‐ empathy,  mediation,  nature,  yoga,  and  so  on—will  take  a  lot  of  pressure  off  of  the   relationship.    As  I’ve  already  mentioned,  more  than  one  of  my  relationships  has   gotten  into  trouble  partly  because  we  used  too  much  energy  and  time  supporting   each  other  emotionally,  which  left  us  less  differentiated  than  we  needed  to  be  and   with  less  time  and  energy  for  doing  other  things  together  or  separately.    To  be  clear,   I’m  not  suggesting  relationships  have  no  emotional  connection  or  support.    Sharing  

 

  55   emotions  is  an  important  part  of  linking,  of  letting  others  know  and  see  more  of   who  we  are.    Doing  too  much  deeper  inner  work  with  a  partner  is  what  I’m   concerned  about.                                            

 

   

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Chapter  7.    Regulating  Emotions     THE  BRAIN  IN  THE  PALM  OF  YOUR  HAND   What  does  it  mean  to  regulate  emotions?    It  helps  to  have  an  understanding  of  the   brain  in  order  to  understand  what  emotional  regulation  means,  and  there  is  a   simple  model  of  the  brain  right  in  your  hand  (Siegel,  2010).    Start  by  raising  one   hand  in  front  of  you  with  your  fingers  pointing  up  so  that  you’re  looking  at  your   palm.    Your  forearm  now  represents  your  spine.    Near  the  bottom  of  your  palm  is   where  your  brain  stem  is  (also  known  as  the  reptilian  brain).    It  is  the  oldest  part  of   the  brain  and  the  first  to  develop  in  the  womb.    The  brain  stem  helps  to  operate  the   automatic  functions  of  the  body,  like  blood  circulation  and  respiration.    The  brain   stem  is  also  involved  in  states  of  arousal—alertness,  fatigue,  and  sexual  arousal— and  in  vagus  nerve  activation.     Cross  your  thumb  over  your  palm  so  that  it  represents  the  limbic  system  (also   known  as  the  mammalian  brain).    The  limbic  system  contains  the  amygdalae  and   hippocampi,  as  well  as  other  parts.    The  limbic  system  is  very  concerned  with   attaching  to  parents  and  caregivers.    It  generates  emotions  that  motivate  us  to  seek   and  maintain  attachment,  and  it  initiates  a  stress  response  when  attachment  is   compromised.     Curl  your  fingers  over  your  thumb  so  that  you  are  looking  at  your  fingernails.    Your   fingers  and  the  back  of  your  hand  represent  the  cortex  of  the  brain.    The  cortex  of  

 

  57   the  brain  has  four  outer  lobes—frontal,  temporal,  parietal,  and  occipital—that  are   involved  in  many  things,  such  as  processing  sensory  information  and  higher-­‐level   thinking  and  behaviour.    A  very  important  part  of  the  cortex  for  relationships  is  the   middle  prefrontal  cortex  (MPFC),  which  is  represented  by  the  two  middle   fingernails.    The  functions  of  the  MPFC  include  regulation  emotions,  fear  modulation   (soothing  the  amygdala),  empathy,  insight,  mindsight  (the  ability  to  observe  and   understand  your  internal  experience),  morality,  monitoring  the  brain  stem,   response  flexibility  (pausing  before  responding),  attunement,  and  intuition.      The   MPFC  integrates  information  from  the  body,  the  brain  stem,  the  limbic  system,  and   the  cortex  and  coordinates  responses  to  the  environment  based  on  the  integrated   information.     It’s  the  MPFC  that  can  soothe  the  amygdala.    However,  children  need  support  to   develop  strong  neural  connections  between  the  MPFC  and  the  amygdala.    Children   aren’t  born  with  self-­‐soothing  or  emotional  regulation  neural  pathways  between  the   MPFC  and  the  amygdala.    Children  develop  them  when  they  have  parents  and   caregivers  who  can  attune  with  them,  give  them  empathy,  and  comfort  them.    The   more  children  have  adults  who  can  help  them  regulate  emotions,  the  stronger  those   children’s  self-­‐regulating  neural  connections  between  the  MPFC  and  the  amygdala   will  be.    They  will  grow  up  to  be  adults  who  can  feel  and  express  emotions   effectively,  instead  of  cutting  off  from  emotions  or  becoming  overwhelmed  by  them.     When  children  don’t  receive  the  support  they  need  for  building  self-­‐regulating   neural  pathways,  they  become  adults  who  are  mostly  cut  off  from  their  emotions— avoidant  attachment—or  who  are  easily  flooded  by  emotions  but  not  easily  

 

  58   soothed—ambivalent  attachment.    Or,  children  become  adults  with  disorganized   attachment  if  they  had  more  severe  abuse  or  neglect.     The  fingers  curled  over  the  thumb  represent  an  integrated  brain  in  which  there  is   differentiation  and  linking  between  the  MPFC  and  the  amygdala.    If  you  keep  your   thumb  where  it  is  but  lift  your  fingers  straight  up,  you  have  a  symbolic   representation  of  a  brain  with  a  “flipped  lid.”      When  someone  gets  very  upset,  we   sometimes  say  he  has  flipped  his  lid.    In  neurobiological  terms,  a  flipped  lid  means   that  the  amygdala  has  sounded  the  alarm  and  the  connection  to  the  MPFC  is  lost.     The  amygdala  is  literally  taking  over  the  energy  of  the  brain  for  sounding  the  alarm,   generating  emotions,  and  activating  the  fight/fight/freeze  or  faint  pathways  of  the   vagus  nerve.   The  Brain  in  the  Palm  of  the  Hand  

 

 

  There  are  two  hemispheres  of  the  human  brain,  so  in  order  to  complete  the  

59  

model  of  the  brain  in  the  palm  of  your  hand,  bring  your  other  hand  beside  the  first   one  and  make  a  fist  with  the  fingers  curled  over  the  thumb.    The  two  hemispheres  of   the  brain  are  connected  by  the  corpus  callosum,  which  allows  information  to  flow   back  and  forth  between  the  hemispheres.         Children  are  born  with  lots  of  emotional  expression  coming  from  the  amygdala.    I   often  hear  people  remark  on  how  freely  (and  sometimes  powerfully!)  infants  and   toddlers  and  young  children  express  their  emotions.    This  is  because  they  have  not   yet  developed  emotional  self-­‐regulation  neural  pathways  or  because  they  have  not   yet  learned  to  block  out  their  emotions  if  they  have  avoidant  parents.         The  way  parents  use  their  brains  shapes  the  brain  development  of  their  children.    If   parents  are  living  predominantly  from  the  left  hemispheres  of  their  brains,  children   will  develop  to  live  predominantly  from  the  left  hemispheres  of  their  brains,  which   correlates  to  Avoidant  Insecure  Attachment.    If  parents  are  living  predominantly  in   their  left  hemispheres,  then  they  won’t  be  able  to  attune  to  their  children  and  offer   resonant  empathy,  because  those  are  right  hemisphere  functions.    When  the  child   becomes  upset,  the  amygdala  generates  upset  emotions  and  shifts  the  vagus  nerve   into  the  fight/flight/freeze  pathway:  the  child’s  face  contorts,  the  body  tightens,  the   heart  rate  and  blood  pressure  increase.    Without  an  attuned,  empathic  response,  the   amygdala  will  give  up  on  the  fight/flight/freeze  vagus  nerve  and  go  into  the  faint   vagus  nerve.    Sometimes,  babies  and  toddlers  and  children  are  praised  as  “good”  

 

  because  of  their  quietness;  however,  this  quietness  can  be  the  result  of  a  child  

60  

learning  to  cope  using  the  faint  pathway  of  the  vagus  nerve.       THE  STILL  FACE  EXPERIMENT   An  experiment  known  as  The  Still  Face  Experiment  gives  a  very  clear  picture  of  a   toddler’s  state  in  the  three  different  pathways  of  the  vagus  nerve  (Goldman,  2010).     In  this  experiment,  a  one-­‐year-­‐old  baby  is  sitting  in  a  chair  and  her  mother  is   connecting  with  him  face-­‐to-­‐face.    They  are  in  their  social  engagement  vagus   pathways,  smiling,  laughing,  making  sounds,  and  exchanging  eye  contact.    Then,  the   mother  intentionally  freezes  her  face—flat,  motionless  and  emotionless.    The  baby   makes  different  attempts  to  re-­‐engage  her—waving,  laughing,  pointing  to  things— but  is  unsuccessful.    The  baby  then  goes  into  her  fight/flight/freeze  vagus  pathway   as  her  face  constricts,  her  arms  reach  out,  she  cries  out,  screams,  and  looks  away.     Eventually,  the  baby  goes  into  her  faint  vagus  pathway  and  her  body  goes  limp  and   collapses  (we  lose  muscle  tone  in  the  neck  and  shoulders  when  we’re  in  the  faint   vagus  pathway).    She  becomes  quiet  and  still.    Fortunately,  the  mother  comes  back   to  life  and  restores  connection  with  her  baby.     The  baby’s  experience  of  having  her  mother’s  face  freeze  is  a  clear  example  of   attachment  trauma;  it’s  a  psychological  pinprick  that  would  leave  her  with  an  un-­‐ integrated  implicit  memory  if  her  mother  didn’t  make  a  repair  or  she  didn’t  get   support  to  process  her  feelings  and  needs.      It  is  a  difficult  experiment  to  watch  and   to  read  about  and  doing  so  can  stimulate  painful  feelings  related  to  your  un-­‐ integrated  implicit  memories  around  loss  of  connection  with  your  parents.      I  

 

  encourage  you  to  go  through  the  Self-­‐Empathy  process  in  the  Appendix  I,  page  

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103,  if  you’re  noticing  painful  feelings  or  memories  coming  up  for  you.         Humans  are  born  without  fully  developed  brains  and  a  great  deal  of  brain   development  happens  in  the  first  three  to  four  years  of  life  (at  times  there  are  up  to   twenty  thousand  synaptic  connections  occurring  every  tenth  of  a  second).    During   the  first  two  years  brain  development  is  happening  predominantly  in  the  right   hemisphere  of  the  brain,  as  the  baby  learns  the  smells,  body  language,  tone  of  voice,   and  capacity  for  attunement  and  emotional  support  of  her  parents.    The  hippocampi   are  not  yet  functioning,  so  only  implicit  memory  is  stored.    The  experience  of  linking   and  differentiating  with  parents—be  it  supportive  or  not—  during  the  first  three  to   four  years  of  a  baby’s  life  has  a  greater  impact  on  a  baby’s  brain  and  psyche  because   so  much  brain  development  is  happening  during  this  time.         Scientists  used  to  think  that  a  person’s  brain  development  and  physical,  emotional,   psychological  traits  were  a  result  of  his  particular  genetic  makeup.    The  discovery  of   epigenetics  has  shown  us  that  humans  are  a  product  of  their  genes  and  the  feedback   from  their  environment,  nature  and  nurture.    Through  a  process  known  as   methylation,  genetic  coding  is  either  expressed  or  suppressed  based  on  the  feedback   from  the  environment.    For  more  information  on  epigenetics  I  recommend  the  work   of  Dr.  Moshe  Szyf  (Lee,  2009).       With  enough  motivation,  resources,  and  support,  much  healing  can  be  done  for  lost   or  compromised  linking  and  differentiation.    This  is  because  our  brains  are  

 

  neuroplastic,  which  means  you  can  continue  integrating  unintegrated  neural  

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networks  and  developing  new  neural  networks  toward  greater  and  greater   emotional  regulation  and  mental  health  for  as  long  as  you  live.    Unfortunately,  along   with  the  reality  of  our  attachment-­‐unfriendly  culture,  many  governments  don’t   realized  the  amount  of  support  needed  for  those  with  severe  attachment  trauma   and  therefore  don’t  provide  the  necessary  funding  and  resources.                                        

 

  Chapter  8.    The  Window  of  Tolerance    

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  Two  of  the  most  supportive  things  parents  can  do  for  their  children  are  healing  their   own  attachment  trauma  and  further  developing  their  own  neural  pathways  for   emotional  regulation.    The  more  parents  integrate  their  own  attachment  trauma  and   develop  their  own  neural  pathways  for  emotional  self-­‐regulation,  the  wider  their   window  of  tolerance  will  be  for  big  emotions,  intense  experiences,  and  difficult   situations,  and  the  more  they  will  be  able  to  be  present,  attuned,  and  resonantly   responsive  to  and  differentiated  from  their  children.    No  communication  or   relationship  technique  will  be  effective  if  an  unintegrated  implicit  memory  is   activated  and  parents  relate  to  their  children  from  their  central  or  dorsal  vagus   nerve  pathways.         I  teach  and  practice  Nonviolent  Communication  (NVC),  because  it  has  particular   communication  tools  and  processes  that  can  support  the  development  of  secure  or   learned  secure  attachment.    However,  the  NVC  tools  and  processes  for  interpersonal   communication  don’t  work  very  well  if  expressed  when  the  amygdala  has  taken   over  and  you  are  well  into  the  fight/flight/freez  or  faint  vagus  nerve  pathways.    NVC   has  other  tools  and  processes  to  use  for  the  inner  work  of  integrating  painful   implicit  memories  that  get  triggered  in  relationships  (more  about  NVC  in  chapter  9).     Window  of  tolerance  is  a  term  or  phrase  that  refers  to  how  much  intensity  the     amygdala  can  tolerate  before  sounding  the  alarm  bell.    Once  you  leave  your  window   of  tolerance  you’re  off  into  fight/flight/freeze  or  faint  vagus  pathways.    The  stronger  

 

  64   the  trigger,  the  less  connection  you  have  to  your  MPFC.    Without  the  MPFC  online   in  your  brain,  you  lose  the  ability  to  regulate  your  emotions,  to  attune  with  others,   and  to  offer  resonant  empathy  to  others.    Resonant  empathy  is  a  powerful  tool  for   connecting  with  others  and  helping  them  regulate  their  emotions,  but  you  can’t  give   it  if  you  need  it  yourself.    See  page  -­‐-­‐-­‐  for  more  about  resonant  empathy     THE  HEMISPHERES  OF  THE  BRAIN   The  practice  of  Nonviolent  Communication  (NVC)  includes  a  powerful  process  for   offering  resonant  empathy  to  ourselves  and  to  others.    When  NVC  empathy  is  done   well  it  can  be  particularly  effective  because  it  focuses  on  feelings  and  needs,  which   supports  emotional  regulation  in  the  right  hemisphere  of  the  brain.    It’s  a  simple   practice  in  theory  but  quite  difficult  to  practice  because  most  of  us  didn’t  grow  up   with  support  for  expressing  feelings  and  needs  (and  many  of  us  didn’t  even  learn  a   vocabulary  for  feelings  and  needs).    Most  of  us  are  more  familiar  with  judgments,   labels,  evaluations,  advice,  analysis,  and  other,  more  left-­‐hemisphere  ways  of   responding.         The  left  hemisphere  of  the  brain  wants  to  make  sense  of  our  experience,  that’s  one   of  its  functions.  And  it  will  make  sense  of  our  experience  as  best  it  can,  given  the   information  it  has.    If  we  don’t  access  our  feelings  and  needs,  then  the  left   hemisphere  will  make  sense  of  our  experience  based  on  thoughts—judgments,   labels,  evaluations,  diagnoses,  and  so  on.    The  left  hemisphere  of  the  brain  doesn’t   have  access  to  information  from  the  neural  networks  in  the  belly  and  heart  and   internal  regions  of  the  body;  it  only  receives  sensory  information  from  the  surface  

 

  layer  of  the  right  side  of  the  body.    The  right  hemisphere  receives  the  internal,  

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deeper  information  from  the  body.    If  we  can  access  our  feelings,  needs,  and   information  from  the  body,  then  the  left  hemisphere  can  form  a  more   comprehensive,  inclusive,  and  coherent  understanding  of  an  experience.         Conflict  often  arises  when  you  are  unable  to  regulate  your  thoughts  and  feelings  and   make  coherent  sense  of  a  difficult  experience.    If  your  right  hemisphere  is  unable  to   regulate  your  feelings  and  needs,  then  the  flow  of  information  between  the   hemispheres  and  between  the  body  and  the  cranial  brain  is  compromised  or  lost.     You  are  left  reacting  or  shutting  down  based  on  judgemental  thinking  or   overwhelming  emotions  or  both.    However,  if  you  can  regulate  and  integrate  a   difficult  experience,  then  you  can  respond  to  it  effectively.                              

 

 

66   The  Left  and  Right  Hemispheres  of  the  Brain  

                                                             LEFT  HEMISPHERE   • Logical—cause  and  effect/how  do   things  work   • Linear   • Literal   • Practical  language   • Making  sense   • Social  self   • Spoken/lived  narrative   • Detail  monitoring   • Analytic  problem-­‐solving   • Fact  accumulation   • Chalkboard  of  the  mind/working   memory   • Adding  to  regulation   • Handling  familiar   • Moderate  levels  of  stress  

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •

RIGHT  HEMISPHERE   Attunement   Voice  quality/eye  gaze   Touch  and  gesture     Circuits  of  attachment   Integrated  map  of  body   Affective  experience   Experience  of  self  beginning  of   regulation   Empathic  resonance   Implicit  memory   Felt  autobiographical  narrative   Intuition/morality   Metaphorical  language   Rapid  processing  of  novelty   Severe  levels  of  stress  

 

For  more  about  the  hemispheres  of  the  brain,  read  Ian  McGilchrist’s  book  the  Master   and  His  Emissary  (McGilchrist,  2009).      

 

  67   NVC  is  a  process  that  supports  you  to  integrate  and  regulate  difficult  experiences.     It  supports  the  left  hemisphere  to  make  clear  observations  free  of  judgments,  labels   and  evaluations.    It  supports  the  right  hemisphere  to  regulate  feelings  and  needs.     And  then  it  allows  the  left  hemisphere  to  problem  solve  and  find  strategies  for   meeting  all  needs.    Furthermore,  because  regulating  feelings  and  needs  keeps  the   MPFC  online,  we  can  empathize  with  others  and  maximize  connection  before   problem  solving.    Solutions  that  are  found  after  the  amydala  is  calmed  and   connection  is  established  are  much  more  likely  to  be  implemented  effectively  and   willingly  than  solutions  that  are  found  without  connection.     Imagine  a  couple  that  have  planned  a  special  dinner  together.  We’ll  call  them  Bob   and  Sue.    Sue  arrives  forty-­‐five  minutes  after  the  agreed-­‐upon  time.  This  is  a  difficult   experience  for  Bob  to  regulate  and  integrate.    He  is  unable  to  open  to  his  feelings,   embrace  them  with  compassion,  and  connect  with  his  needs,  so  his  left  hemisphere   creates  a  litany  of  judgments  about  Sue.    When  Sue  arrives,  Bob  unleashes  his  left-­‐ hemisphere  attack,  which  is  difficult  for  Sue  to  integrate.    Sue  is  unable  to  open  to   her  feelings  and  needs  and  embrace  them  with  compassion,  and  her  left  hemisphere   makes  sense  of  the  experience  by  agreeing  with  Bob’s  judgements  of  her  and  adding   more  of  her  own.    She  shuts  down  in  shame  and  vagus  nerve  goes  into  the  faint  or   dorsal  pathway.      The  shame  becomes  unbearable,  so  her  vaugs  nerves  shifts  into   fight/flight/freeze  in  an  attempt  to  survive,  and  she  fires  judgements  and  criticism   back  at  Bob.    Each  of  their  amygdalae  is  taking  over.    

 

  68   Six  months  later  Bob  and  Sue  have  another  special  dinner  and  Sue  arrives  forty-­‐ five  minutes  later  than  the  agreed-­‐upon  time.    Bob  has  gotten  some  support  for  his   attachment  trauma  and  has  been  working  on  regulating  his  thoughts  and  feelings   and  connecting  to  his  needs.    While  he  waits  for  Sue,  he  observes  his  thoughts,   feelings,  and  needs,  knowing  that  if  he  can  regulate  his  experience  he  will  respond   more  effectively  to  Sue.      With  acceptance  and  openness  he  notices  tightness  in  his   jaw  and  tension  in  his  chest,  feelings  of  disappointment,  hurt,  and  anger.    He  also   notices  his  judgemental  thoughts.    He  doesn’t  push  any  of  it  away,  nor  does  he  get   lost  in  any  of  it.      He  notices  and  feels  and  asks  himself  what  his  needs  are.    “Do  I   need  reliability?    Do  I  need  trust?”      He  notices  his  mind  is  still  active  with   judgements,  so  he  grabs  a  notepad  and  writes  down  the  judgements  so  he  can  give   them  an  outlet  and  better  guess  at  the  needs  they  are  trying  to  express:    “She’s   always  late.    I  can’t  count  on  her.    She  just  doesn’t  care.”      Suddenly  the  words,  “I   need  to  matter,”  come  to  him  from  somewhere  within.    Bob  notices  his  jaw  and  belly   relax  with  these  words  and  some  deeper  sadness  arises.    He  does  his  best  to  stay   open  to  his  feelings.    Childhood  memories  of  loss  come  to  mind  and  Bob  realizes  he’s   having  an  implicit  response.    “No  wonder  I  feel  so  hurt  and  angry  when  Sue  is  late,”   Bob  says  to  himself.    Bob  is  so  relieved  to  have  this  insight  that  he  doesn’t  mind  at  all   that  others  see  him  shedding  a  few  tears  (as  someone  with  avoidant  insecure   attachment  it’s  a  huge  breakthrough  for  Bob  to  not  only  accept  that  he  has  needs,   but  to  also  accept  and  express  vulnerable  emotions).    Sue  arrives  and  is  distraught   about  being  late.    She  tells  Bob  all  the  unexpected  things  that  led  to  her  being  late.     Thanks  to  the  empathy  Bob  gave  himself  the  right  hemisphere  of  his  brain  is  

 

  69   regulated  enough  to  offer  Sue  empathy,  instead  of  his  left  hemisphere  judging  and   blaming  her.     The  second  version  of  the  special  dinner  story  above  may  seem  far-­‐fetched  to  some,   but  with  consistent  practice  and  support  it  is  very  doable.    It’s  very  unlikely  that  Bob   would  always  be  able  to  integrate  difficult  experiences  like  he  did  in  the  second   version  of  the  special  dinner.    Nonetheless,  if  he  isn’t  able  to  regulate  his  emotions   and  integrate  his  experience  Bob  could  call  an  empathy  buddy  and  get  support  for   feeling  his  feelings  and  connecting  to  his  needs.    If  Bob  doesn’t  have  empathy   buddies  or  none  are  available,  he  could  let  Sue  know  he  is  upset  when  she  arrives   and  ask  her  if  she  is  able  to  give  him  empathy  (which  might  be  quite  difficult  for  her   to  do  when  she  is  the  person  who  stimulated  his  pain).    If  Sue  is  unable  to  give  Bob   empathy,  they  could  try  a  co-­‐regulating  process  together.      Or,  they  could  take  some   physical  space  and  then  work  through  the  experience  after  they  have  gotten  some   empathy.         REPAIRS   Of  course  there  are  times  when  we  lose  the  MPFC,  the  amygdala  takes  over,  and  an   argument  unfolds  or  we  say  and  do  things  we  later  regret.    We’re  humans,  after  all.    I   used  to  feel  discouraged  and  ashamed  when  I  got  triggered,  defensive,  or  upset.       And,  if  I  didn’t  get  the  empathy  I  needed,  my  left  hemisphere  would  cycle  through   various  judgements  and  criticisms:    “I  should  be  more  compassionate.    I  shouldn’t   get  so  upset.    Relationships  are  too  hard.    There’s  something  wrong  with  me.    I   should  rescind  my  NVC  Trainer  certification.”    These  days,  though  I  don’t  always  

 

  enjoy  it  when  my  amygdala  takes  over,  I  accept  it  as  part  of  being  human.    I  

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sometimes  joke  that  it’s  not  me;  it’s  my  amygdala.    And  then  I  get  empathy  so  that  I   can  make  repairs  or  try  again.    Thank  goodness  for  repairs  and  second  tries.         Attachment  research  shows  that  even  parents  who  are  securely  attached  attune   with  their  children  only  about  thirty  percent  of  the  time,  which  is  about  the  same   percentage  as  parents  with  insecure  attachment.    The  difference  is  that  securely   attached  parents  notice  the  breaks  in  connection  more  often  and  make  repairs.    I’m   guessing  this  difference  is  also  true  for  adult  relationships.     A  process  for  repairs  and  second  tries  that  I  find  effective  is  to  take  time  to  give   myself  lots  of  empathy  or  get  empathy  from  an  empathy  buddy,  then  go  and  tell  the   other  person  that  I  regret  what  I  said  or  did  and  ask  them  how  they  feel  about  it.     Then,  however  the  other  person  responds,  I  offer  them  empathy  (unless  I  flip  my  lid   again,  in  which  case  I  get  more  empathy  and  try  again).    If  the  empathy  is  genuine   and  resonant  the  other  person  will  feel  understood  and  cared  about  and  connection   will  be  restored.         Repairs  are  a  crucial  part  of  building  secure  attachment  in  any  relationship.      They   demonstrate  that  the  relationship  matters  and  that  there  is  care  for  how  we  affect   each  other.    Repairs  done  by  parents  and  caregivers  are  particularly  helpful  for   children  because  they  model  self-­‐responsibility  and  acceptance  of  mistakes,  and   they  help  a  child  make  sense  of  their  reality—infants  and  young  children  experience  

 

  themselves  as  the  center  of  the  universe  and  can  take  responsibility  for  their  

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caregivers  actions  if  repairs  are  not  made.     It’s  very  difficult  for  intimate  partners  to  give  each  other  empathy  when  those   deeper  triggers  are  activated  because  one  partner’s  implicit  response  will  likely   stimulate  the  other’s  implicit  response,  or  the  intensity  of  the  trigger  will  put  the   partner  out  of  his  or  her  window  of  tolerance.    Again,  there  are  processes  for  co-­‐ integrating  and  co-­‐regulating  when  both  partners  have  flipped  their  lids.    However,   including  support  from  outside  the  relationship  for  attachment  trauma  will  free  the   relationship  from  being  the  only  strategy  for  integrating  attachment  trauma  and   allow  for  better  differentiation  and  linking.     Reading  about  attachment  trauma  can  bring  up  sadness,  sorrow,  discouragement,   anger  and  other  feelings.    If  painful  feelings  or  memories  from  childhood  or  from   adult  relationships  have  surfaced  for  you,  I  encourage  you  again  to  go  through  the   self-­‐empathy  process  in  the  appendix  or  reach  out  for  support,  or  both.     Although  our  attachment  neural  pathways  are  neuroplastic  throughout  life,  they   take  time,  support,  and  practice  to  rewire.    Just  like  the  difficulty  in  renovating  the   foundation  of  a  house,  it  can  be  difficult  to  re-­‐wire  the  neural  networks  formed  in   early  childhood.    You  cannot  just  talk  your  way  through  or  out  of  your  attachment   trauma  because  attachment  trauma  is  not  stored  in  the  parts  of  the  brain  for   language  and  conscious  awareness.    Because  attachment  trauma  is  stored  implicitly  

 

  72   it  is  accessed  through  emotions,  sensations,  feelings,  movement,  and  needs;  and  it   is  integrated  with  attuned,  resonant,  empathic,  embodied  support.                                                  

 

   

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Chapter  9.    Nonviolent  Communication     (Also  known  as  NVC  and  Compassionate  Communication)     NVC  has  three  main  parts:  Self-­‐Connection  (or  Self-­‐Empathy);  Empathy  for  Another;   and  Honest  Expression.      Each  of  these  parts  is  supported  by  four  pieces:   observations,  feelings,  needs  and  requests.    The  three  parts  and  four  pieces  are  all   designed  to  support  connection.    Although  words  are  an  important  way  in  which   humans  connect,  NVC  goes  much  deeper  and  broader  than  just  the  use  of  words.     NVC  is  about  connecting  to  a  sense  of  wholeness  and  then  sharing  your  wholeness   with  the  wholeness  in  others.    One  of  the  most  effective  ways  to  connect  to   wholeness  is  to  put  your  attention  on  what  is  most  important  or  valuable  to  you.         NEEDS:  THE  FOUNDATION  OF  NVC   I  often  begin  my  workshops  and  programs  by  asking  participants  what  is  most   important  or  valuable  to  them.    I  ask  them  to  imagine  they  are  at  the  end  of  their   lives  thinking  about  all  of  the  important  or  valuable  things  that  made  their  lives   rewarding.    Time  and  time  again  the  answers  I  hear  are  not  material  things;  they  are   abstract  qualities  such  as  love,  learning,  connection,  fun,  growth,  empathy,  health,   contribution/making  a  difference,  meaning,  belonging,  freedom,  safety,  authenticity,   purpose,  play,  and  so  on.    Inevitably,  one  of  the  answers  is  family.    When  I  ask  what   it  is  about  family  that  adds  to  a  rewarding  life,  the  answers  I  hear  include  more   abstract  qualities  like  being  known,  support,  connection,  acceptance,  growth,  joy,   and  love,  among  others.  

 

   

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These  abstract  qualities  are  all  examples  of  needs  in  the  practice  of  NVC.    Connecting   to  needs  is  the  foundation  of  NVC  because  the  more  connected  we  are  to  what  is   most  important  and  valuable,  the  more  we  can  create  fulfilling  lives.    Furthermore,   needs  are  universal,  so  connecting  to  needs  is  where  humans  can  find  common   ground  from  which  to  build  connection  and  work  through  conflict.    (The  universality   of  needs  is  only  true  when  needs  are  defined  as  abstract  qualities,  like  those  listed   above,  not  when  strategies  are  mistaken  for  needs.)     Needs  are  not  attached  to  specific  material  things,  actions,  places,  moments  in  time,   or  any  particular  outcome.      Material  things,  actions,  places,  moments  in  time,  and   particular  outcomes  are  strategies  for  fulfilling  needs.    Strategies  are  not  universal.     Different  people  have  different  preferred  strategies  for  fulfilling  needs,  which  is   natural  and  healthy.    However,  suffering  often  comes  when  we  get  attached  to   certain  strategies.    For  example,  in  a  relationship,  a  man  might  be  attached  to  his   partner  meeting  his  need  for  emotional  support.    If  his  partner  is  the  only  strategy   he  has  to  fulfill  his  need  for  emotional  support,  then  his  partner  will  likely  feel   pressure  and  then  resentment  about  meeting  that  need.    If  he  finds  other  ways  to   meet  his  need  for  emotional  support,  then  there  will  be  better  differentiation  in  the   relationship  and  his  partner  can  more  easily  give  when  it  feels  good  to  do  so  and  be   honest  when  it  doesn’t.         Separating  needs  from  strategies  in  relationships  can  be  quite  challenging  because   all  kinds  of  implicit  memories  and  responses  will  be  involved.    If  one  partner  is  not  

 

  75   willing  or  able  to  meet  the  needs  of  another,  it  will  likely  bring  up  implicit  mental   models,  emotions,  and  behaviours  from  times  when  a  parent  didn’t  meet  those   needs.    Therefore,  separating  needs  from  strategies  in  partnership  often  requires   the  deeper  inner  work  of  integrating  those  implicit  memories.    In  fact,  uncovering   and  healing  our  unresolved  implicit  memories  and  disowned  parts  is  one  of  the   most  difficult  yet  profound  opportunities  of  intimate  relationships.    As  Bill  Plotkin   writes  in  his  book  Soulcraft,  “…the  Wanderer  learns  that  when  she  falls  in  love,  she   will  project  not  only  the  most  noble  qualities  of  her  own  soul  but  also,  eventually,   her  most  negative  shadow  qualities.    She  knows  it  will  be  a  while  before  she  sees  her   shadow  in  her  lover’s  face,  but,  when  she  does,  it  will  be  disheartening,  frightening,   possibly  repulsive.    Knowing  this  is  inevitable,  she’ll  say  yes  to  love  anyway.    She   understands  that  unveiling  the  shadow  is  as  valuable  a  result  of  romance  as  any   other.”    (Plotkin,  2003)       When  the  implicit  is  not  addressed,  couples  either  cycle  through  painful  patterns  of   conflict,  or  settle  into  a  soul-­‐starved  plateau  in  which  authenticity,  growth,  and   depth  are  sacrificed  so  that  safety  and  security  can  be  maintained.    Or,  the   relationship  ends  because  the  cycles  of  conflict  or  the  plateau  take  too  much  of  a  toll   for  one  or  both  partners.    Of  course,  ending  a  relationship  doesn’t  take  care  of  un-­‐ integrated  implicit  issues.    Nor  will  a  “better”  or  “perfect”  partner  integrate  our   implicit  for  us.    We  carry  our  implicit  issues  with  us  until  we  integrate  them.        

 

   

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SELF-­‐CONNECTION  or  SELF-­‐EMPATHY   Your  thoughts,  sensations,  feelings  and  emotions  (I  use  the  words  feelings  and   emotions  interchangeably)  all  point  to  your  needs,  like  symbols  on  a  map  that  lead   to  hidden  treasure.    The  more  you  develop  your  capacity  for  listening  to  your   thoughts,  sensations,  and  emotions,  the  better  you  can  uncover  your  needs,  connect   to  your  wholeness,  and  create  a  fulfilling  life.         There  are  two  levels  on  which  you  can  meet  or  fulfill  your  needs:  an  inner  level  and   an  outer  level.    With  the  inner  level,  you  meet  your  needs  by  giving  your  full   attention  to  your  body  as  you  connect  to  the  needs  to  which  your  thoughts,   sensations,  and  feelings  are  pointing.    This  is  the  Self-­‐Connection  part  of  NVC,  which,   when  done  well,  is  so  helpful  for  regulating  emotions.    In  the  story  about  Bob  and   Sue,  Bob  uncovered  a  need  to  matter  underneath  his  judgments  about  Sue  and  the   sensations  and  feelings  he  noticed  in  his  body.    Bob  met  his  need  to  matter  on  the   inner  level  by  giving  his  full  presence  to  himself,  embracing  his  sadness  and  the   sensations  in  his  body  as  he  connected  with  his  need  to  matter.    Meeting  his  own   need  on  the  inner  level  freed  Sue  from  receiving  blame  and  judgment  from  Bob  and   allowed  Bob  to  give  Sue  empathy  when  she  arrived  at  the  restaurant.         With  the  inner  level  of  meeting  needs,  the  goal  is  not  to  solve  anything  or  change   anything  or  be  happy  or  make  things  better;  the  goal  is  simply  to  connect  as  deeply   as  possible  to  feelings,  sensations  and  needs,  to  embrace  them  like  a  big-­‐hearted,   nurturing  grandmother  taking  her  grandchildren  into  her  arms.    The  inner  level  of  

 

  meeting  needs  allows  for  emotional  regulation,  for  widening  the  window  of  

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tolerance  for  emotions,  and  for  integration  of  the  different  parts  of  the  brain  and   body,  which  gives  us  a  felt  sense  of  wholeness.      It’s  very  difficult  to  connect  to  a   sense  of  wholeness  when  your  lid  is  flipped,  the  amygadala  is  taking  over,  you’re  in   fight/flight/freeze  or  faint,  and  the  hemispheres  of  your  brain  are  not   communicating.         Moreover,  with  the  right  processes  and  support,  the  inner  level  of  meeting  needs   can  result  in  the  integration  of  un-­‐integrated  implicit  memories,  which  adds  even   more  to  a  sense  of  wholeness.    Sometimes,  the  inner  level  of  meeting  needs  is   enough  to  resolve  a  conflict  and  nothing  needs  to  change  externally.    Other  times,   there  is  a  desire  to  make  a  request  of  yourself  or  someone  else  so  that  your  needs   can  also  be  met  externally.     One  powerful  experience  I’ve  had  of  meeting  my  needs  on  the  inner  and  outer  level   happened  while  at  a  seminar  with  a  friend.    We  arrived  early  and  sat  in  the  center   near  the  front.    Two  men  in  the  front  row  were  setting  up  to  film  the  seminar,  and   both  were  affiliated  with  the  organization  offering  the  seminar.    Not  long  into  the   seminar  the  cameraman  closest  to  me  turned  the  camera  around  and  began  filming   me,  and  those  around  me.    Instantly  I  noticed  my  chest  constricting,  my  eyes   tightening,  and  my  mouth  pinching  at  the  corners  (not  a  good  face  for  video   promotion).    Had  I  been  linked  to  a  brain-­‐imaging  machine,  I’m  sure  it  would  have   indicated  lots  of  activation  of  my  amygdala.    We  hadn’t  been  told  that  the  audience   would  be  filmed  and  I  had  not  given  my  consent.    I  had  an  impulse  to  hold  my  hand  

 

  78   up  in  front  of  me  to  block  the  camera  or  go  up  to  the  cameraman  and  ask  him  to   stop  filming  me.       Had  it  not  been  for  the  fact  that  I  appreciated  the  message  in  the  talk  and  the  work   the  organization  was  doing  in  the  world,  I  likely  would  have  acted  on  my  impulses.     Instead,  I  chose  to  give  my  attention  to  the  sensations  in  my  jaw  and  my  chest,  along   with  the  emotion  of  anger  that  I  was  feeling.    I  welcomed  the  sensation  and  feelings   as  best  I  could,  breathing  into  them,  and  then  asked  myself,  “what  needs  are  alive  for   me?”    Respect,  autonomy,  and  consideration  were  the  needs  I  found.    I  continued  to   embrace  the  feelings  and  sensations  alive  in  my  body  as  I  connected  to  my  needs   and,  sure  enough,  old,  unresolved  implicit  memories  from  childhood  surfaced.    I   gave  empathy  directly  to  the  young  me  in  those  memories  until  my  chest  relaxed   and  my  anger  subsided.      I  was  still  not  thrilled  about  being  filmed,  but  I  was  grateful   for  the  opportunity  to  give  myself  some  deep  empathy.     Instead  of  embracing  my  feelings  and  needs  or  doing  anything  else,  I  could  have  told   myself,  like  I  sometimes  do,  not  to  make  a  big  a  deal  of  it,  to  let  it  go  and  be  more   generous  and  forgiving.    That  kind  of  thinking  is  one  way  the  left  hemisphere  tries  to   override  or  escape  the  feelings  coming  alive  in  the  right  hemisphere  and  the  body.     Had  I  overridden  my  right  hemisphere  by  being  a  “nice”  person,  I  would  have   missed  an  opportunity  to  widen  my  window  of  tolerance  for  my  anger  and  connect   to  some  un-­‐integrated  implicit  memories.    And,  I  would  have  missed  an  opportunity   to  have  a  meaningful  and  connecting  dialogue  with  the  gentleman  who  filmed  me.        

 

   I  decided  I  wanted  to  meet  my  needs  externally  too.    So,  after  the  seminar,  my  

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friend  introduced  me  to  the  cameraman,  and  I  spoke  about  my  experience  of  being   filmed  in  a  way  that  he  could  hear  and  understand.    After  explaining  more  about  his   intentions  for  filming  the  audience,  he  apologized  and  we  shook  hands.    In  fact,  he   came  to  me  later  in  the  lobby  to  apologize  again  and  acknowledge  my  needs.    Yes,   when  I  spoke  to  him,  I  used  some  NVC  language  to  support  our  connection,  but  what   I  believed  helped  our  connection  the  most  was  my  calming  my  amygdala  first.    I’m   not  suggesting  that  NVC  works  only  when  you’ve  first  calmed  your  amygdala.    The   beauty  of  NVC  is  that  it  provides  a  structure  that  allows  for  the  possibility  of  turning   conflict  into  connection,  even  if  you  don’t  first  calm  your  amygdala.    However,   resolving  conflict  is  often  easier  if  the  amygdala  is  first  calmed  and  needs  are  met   internally.     The  outward  level  of  meeting  needs  happens  when  something  external  fulfills  needs   for  you.    For  example,  a  promotion  at  work  might  meet  your  needs  for  meaning,   challenge,  and  financial  security.    Or,  a  surprise  birthday  party  might  meet  your   needs  for  fun,  appreciation,  and  celebration.    Being  asked  first  before  being  filmed   meets  my  needs  for  respect,  choice,  and  consideration.    When  needs  are  met   externally,  the  needs  can  also  be  met  internally  by  giving  your  full  presence  to  the   feelings  and  sensations  that  come  alive  in  your  body.    In  fact,  it’s  very  helpful  to   connect  inwardly  to  your  needs  when  things  meet  your  needs  externally.    Not  only   does  this  help  you  feel  your  wholeness,  it  helps  you  widen  your  window  of  tolerance   for  celebration  and  joy  (you  have  a  window  of  tolerance  for  enjoyable  feelings  just   like  you  do  for  painful  or  intense  feelings).      

 

   

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Whether  people  act  the  way  you  want  them  to  act  or  life  happens  the  way  you  want   it  to  happen,  you  can  meet  your  needs  internally  by  giving  your  full  compassionate   presence  to  what  comes  alive  in  your  body.    Sadness  or  grief  is  sometimes  what   comes  alive  when  things  don’t  go  the  way  you  want  them  to  go.    What  I  find  is  that   grieving  has  a  sweetness  or  cleansing  quality  to  it  if  I  fully  embrace  it  and  bitterness   or  suffering  quality  if  I  resist  it.     Meeting  needs  inwardly  is  more  challenging  when  conflict  arises.    Because  most  of   us  didn’t  learn  how  to  meet  our  needs  on  the  inward  level,  we  fight  to  meet  our   needs  on  the  outward  level  when  conflict  arises.    In  other  words,  instead  of  being   fully  present  with  what  is  arising  in  us,  we  try  to  get  things  to  change  externally  so   that  we  will  feel  better  inside.    If  we  don’t  learn  to  meet  our  needs  inwardly,  either   with  self-­‐connection  practices  or  with  support  from  others,  then  we  are  left   struggling  (with  the  amygdala  firing  away)  to  make  people  or  life  change  whenever   things  don’t  go  the  way  we  want  them  to,  and  our  expression  will  likely  be  heard  as   demanding  or  judgemental,  even  if  we  use  NVC  words.     It’s  an  ongoing  practice  to  meet  needs  inwardly,  but  the  payoff  is  significant.     Meeting  needs  inwardly  builds  self-­‐soothing  neural  pathways  and  expands  your   window  of  tolerance,  both  of  which  help  you  to  see  others  much  more  clearly  and   compassionately.    Meeting  needs  inwardly  also  helps  you  to  be  more  creative  about   how  to  meet  needs  externally  because  you  have  greater  access  to  the  information  in  

 

  81   both  hemispheres  of  the  cranial  brain  as  well  as  the  information  from  the  neural   networks  in  the  body.     Building  neural  pathways  for  self-­‐connection  is  difficult  to  do  alone.    As  I  wrote   earlier,  we’re  not  born  with  neural  networks  for  regulating  emotions  and  connecting   to  needs.    If  you  didn’t  grow  up  with  parents  who  could  give  you  resonant  emotional   support,  then  your  default  response  to  your  emotions  will  not  be  to  embrace  them,   listen  to  them,  and  uncover  the  needs  they  are  pointing  to.    Instead,  your  default   response  will  be  to  bury  your  feelings  and  distract  yourself  in  any  number  of  ways.     Or  your  default  response  will  be  to  wallow  in  your  emotions  and  the  corresponding   thoughts  and  stories.         One  of  the  best  ways  to  develop  self-­‐connection  neural  networks  is  to  have  others   who  can  give  you  empathy,  such  as  empathy  buddies.    Empathy  buddies  help  each   other  do  self-­‐connection.     EMPATHY  FOR  ANOTHER   Giving  empathy  to  another,  as  an  empathy  buddy  does,  is  another  of  the  three  main   parts  of  NVC.    When  done  well,  empathy  can  help  another  person  calm  or  regulate   their  emotions.    To  give  someone  empathy  you  need  a  relatively  relaxed  amygdala   so  that  you  can  access  your  middle  prefrontal  cortex  (MPFC),  the  part  of  the  brain   that  has  the  capacity  to  attune,  resonate,  and  empathize.    

 

  Giving  empathy  to  another  is  very  similar  to  self-­‐empathy,  the  difference  being  

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that  you  listen  for  another’s  feelings  and  needs  instead  of  listening  for  your  own.     Giving  empathy  to  another  requires  a  vocabulary  of  feelings  and  needs  and  a   practice  of  setting  aside  advice,  sympathy,  and  other  responses,  so  that  you  can   focus  on  feelings  and  needs.    And,  whether  giving  empathy  to  yourself  or  to  another,   it’s  necessary  to  have  a  window  of  tolerance  for  whatever  emotions  are  expressed.           Before  I  began  practicing  NVC  and  understood  the  functions  and  needs  of  the   hemispheres  of  the  brain  and  the  nervous  system,  I  did  my  best  to  help  friends  and   family  members  solve  their  problems  so  they  could  feel  better.    I  would  try  to   analyze  what  was  going  on  and  help  them  understand  possible  reasons  or  causes  for   their  difficulties;  or  I  would  try  and  get  them  to  see  the  bigger  picture  or  the   potential  lessons  or  benefits  of  their  situations;  or  I  would  try  to  get  them  to  see   how  their  situation  wasn’t  as  bad  as  they  thought  it  was;  or  I  would  try  and  cheer   them  up  or  offer  stories  of  similar  experiences  I’d  been  through;  or  I  would  try  to   console  or  encourage  them;  or  I’d  offer  my  very  best  advice  and  suggestions.    Often,   my  friends  and  family  members  would  look  or  sound  like  they  felt  worse  after   speaking  with  me  than  before  they’d  begun  telling  me  about  their  problem,  which   was  painful  for  me  because  I  was  trying  so  hard  to  help  them  feel  better.     Now,  if  I’m  feeling  calm  and  have  the  willingness,  time  and  energy,  I  offer  empathy   to  friends  and  family  when  they  tell  me  about  their  problems.    

 

  83   NVC  empathy  involves  saying  back  to  someone  whatever  feelings  and  needs  you   guess  or  sense  they  are  experiencing  in  relationship  to  whatever  they  are  talking   about.    Most  people  didn’t  grow  up  learning  about  feelings  and  needs  and  thus  don’t   speak  about  them  or  connect  to  them  when  telling  others  about  their  difficult  or   wonderful  experiences.    Nonetheless,  there  is  an  unfulfilled  or  fulfilled  need  within   any  expression,  and  often  a  feeling  too,  and  you  can  help  others  connect  to  those   needs  and  feelings  by  guessing  what  they  are  and  offering  your  guesses  to  them.         NVC  empathy  is  not  asking  someone,  “What  are  you  feeling?    What  do  you  need?”     NVC  empathy  is  listening  for  the  feelings  and  needs  within  the  other’s  expression   and  then  offering  your  guesses  to  the  other.    Offering  your  feelings  and  needs  guess   rather  than  simply  asking  someone  what  they  feel  or  need  is  supportive  in  several   ways:  it  demonstrates  that  you  are  listening  and  attempting  to  understand;  it  helps   the  speaker  feel  safer  to  open  up  and  be  vulnerable  because  there  is  some   vulnerability  in  making  needs  and  feelings  guesses  (asking  someone  what  they  feel   and  need  is  asking  them  to  do  the  work  alone  of  being  vulnerable);  it  supports  the   right  hemisphere  to  feel  understood  because  the  guesses  are  about  feelings  and   needs,  and  the  sense  of  being  understood  will  be  all  the  deeper  if  the  guesses  come   with  resonant  energy  and  body  language;  and,  making  needs  and  feelings  guesses   conveys  to  the  speaker  that  you’re  with  him  just  as  he  is  and  don’t  need  him  to  be   anything  different.    The  experience  of  feeling  someone  with  you,  resonantly   understanding  you,  and  accepting  you  just  as  you  are,  even  in  your  despair,  rage,  or   grief,  is  profoundly  supportive.    I  am  not  at  all  against  advice,  sympathy,  analysis,   and  other  responses;  I’ve  been  helped  a  great  deal  by  these  responses.    It’s  just  that  

 

  84   I’d  rather  explore  those  things  after  I’ve  received  empathy  and  my  brain  is  more   integrated.    "Only  in  the  presence  of  compassion  will  people  allow  themselves  to  see   the  truth."  ~A.H.  Almaas     For  example,  if  a  friend  is  telling  me  about  a  challenge  with  her  supervisor,  I  can   listen  for  her  needs  and  feelings  and  offer  my  guesses  to  her.      If  my  friend  is  an   empathy  buddy  or  has  stated  she  wants  empathy,  I  simply  offer  my  needs  and   feelings  guesses  when  it  seems  helpful  to  do  so.    If  my  friend  is  not  familiar  with   empathy,  I  might  start  with  the  question,  “Can  I  see  if  I  understand  what  you’re   saying,”  or,  “Can  I  see  if  I  understand  what’s  going  on  for  you?”    If  she  says  yes  (I   don’t  remember  anyone  ever  saying  no  to  me  when  I  ask  this  question),  I  share  my   guesses  with  her.      I  might  ask,  “Are  you  feeling  frustrated  because  you  need  more   autonomy  or  freedom?”     When  I  learned  about  empathy  and  began  practicing  it,  I  would  be  worried  about   making  good  guesses  and  think  I  was  doing  empathy  “wrong”  if  my  guesses  weren’t   accurate.    I  thought  I  had  to  make  the  right  guesses  in  order  for  it  to  be  helpful.       What  I  learned  is  that,  even  when  needs  and  feelings  guesses  aren’t  accurate,  there   is  a  lot  of  benefit  because  the  speaker  checks  in  with  herself  to  see  what  feelings  and   needs  are  true  for  her.    That  inner  checking  of  her  truth  supports  her  to  tune  in   more  deeply  with  herself.    It  certainly  can  be  helpful  to  make  an  accurate  needs   guess,  but  the  worrying  about  doing  empathy  “right”  often  gets  in  the  way  of  the   attunement  and  resonance  that  are  very  important  for  supporting  the  right   hemisphere  of  the  brain.  

 

   

85  

Most  of  us  grew  up  in  a  culture  in  which  getting  things  right  was  the  way  to  win   approval  or  feel  valued  or  even  feel  safe.    So,  it  can  be  quite  challenging  to  let  go  of   trying  to  do  empathy  “right.”    One  strategy  for  having  less  fear  about  doing  empathy   “right”  is  to  get  empathy  for  the  fear  that  comes  up  and  the  implicit  beliefs  you   might  have  about  having  to  be  right  or  good  or  perfect.    Another  way  to  work  with   the  fear  of  doing  it  right  is  to  say  to  the  person  receiving  your  empathy  something  to   the  effect  of,  “I  get  nervous  about  doing  empathy  right  (or  about  being  a  supportive   listener).    My  intention  is  just  to  be  present  with  you,  do  my  best  to  understand  you,   and  not  worry  about  doing  it  right,  but  I  might  need  to  pause  to  give  myself  empathy   if  I  notice  my  old  fears  about  being  perfect.”    Depending  on  the  circumstances,   naming  what  is  going  on  beneath  the  surface  can  go  a  long  way  toward  calming  fears   or  other  feelings.     If  I  ask  my  friend  who  is  having  challenges  at  work,  “Are  you  feeling  frustrated   because  you  need  more  autonomy  or  freedom?”  and  she  answers,  “No,  it’s  not  about   autonomy.    I  want  a  better  idea  of  what  my  supervisor  expects  of  me.”    Then  I  simply   let  go  of  my  first  guess  and  make  a  new  guess  based  on  this  new  information.    “So,  it   sounds  like  you  need  clarity  and  maybe  some  guidance.    Is  that  right?”         When  you  offer  empathy  to  someone,  it’s  important  to  convey  curiosity,  to  let  her   know  that  you  are  guessing  not  telling,  because  it  conveys  to  the  speaker  that  she  is   in  charge  of  what  is  true  for  her.    Telling  the  speaker  what  you  think  her  needs  and   feelings  are,  instead  of  guessing,  does  not  support  her  autonomy  and  differentiation,  

 

  86   especially  if  you  try  to  convince  her  of  the  accuracy  of  your  opinion.    Attempting   to  tell  or  convince  people  that  you  are  right  about  their  feelings  and  needs  is  not   empathy;  it’s  a  sign  that  the  left  hemisphere  is  taking  over  and  trying  to  analyze  and   be  “right.”     Although  it’s  wonderful  to  include  feelings  guesses  when  giving  empathy,  it’s  also   important  to  get  to  the  needs.    If  you  stay  at  the  feeling  realm,  the  brain  can  get  stuck   cycling  back  and  forth  between  feelings  and  thoughts  and  not  calm  fully.    What  the   amygdala  loves,  what  helps  it  calm,  is  being  understood  at  the  level  of  needs,   especially  when  that  understanding  comes  with  resonance.     RESONANT  EMPATHY   Resonant  empathy  is  empathy  that  connects  with  the  right  hemisphere  and  includes   a  tone  of  voice  and  body  language  that  resonate  with  the  receiver  of  the  empathy.     When  it  comes  to  communication,  the  left  hemisphere  processes  words  and  the   right  hemisphere  processes  body  language,  tone  of  voice,  touch,  as  well  things  like   metaphors,  and  swear  words  (although  swear  words  may  not  be  appropriate   sometime,  during  empathy  sessions  then  can  be  a  wonderful  way  to  access  and   support  the  right  hemisphere).     When  empathizing  with  someone,  if  you  are  within  your  window  of  tolerance  for  the   emotions  being  expressed,  then  resonance  will  likely  come  easily  and  naturally  with   your  words:  tenderness  and  warmth  and  soothing  sounds  in  your  voice  when  there   is  sadness  for  the  speaker;  aliveness  and  exuberance  in  your  voice  when  there  is  

 

  excitement  and  celebration;  strength  or  intensity  in  your  voice  when  there  is  

87  

anger  for  the  other;  and  so  on.    With  resonant  empathy,  the  amygdala  in  the  right   hemisphere  gets  the  sense  of  being  understood  at  an  emotional  or  energetic  level   that  it  needs  in  order  to  process  and  regulate  emotions.     Sometimes  I  am  asked  how  to  resonate  with  people  who  have  little  emotional   expression.    My  answer  is  to  meet  them  where  they  are:  meet  them  with  little   emotion.      The  goal  of  empathy  is  not  to  fix  or  change  anything.    Nonetheless,  what  I   find  is  that,  when  people  with  little  emotional  expression  are  met  where  they  are,   they  often  share  more  about  what’s  happening  for  them,  which  sometimes  includes   more  emotional  expression.    I  believe  this  happens  because  the  right  hemispheres  of   their  brains  sense  that  they  are  with  someone  who  is  only  trying  to  be  present  and   empathic.    They  can  open  up  more  because  they  are  with  someone  who  is  not  trying   to  shut  down  or  criticize  their  emotions  or  fix  them  or  ask  them  to  be  different  than   they  are.    With  people  who  have  little  emotional  expression,  I  usually  reflect  back   only  the  needs  that  I’m  hearing.    I  may  sense  emotions  under  the  surface,  but  I  don’t   reflect  those  if  I  think  the  person  isn’t  comfortable  in  the  realm  of  emotions.    (If   someone  grew  up  without  emotional  support,  then  cutting  off  from  emotions  is   what  he  had  to  do  to  cope  or  survive.    So  why  would  he  enjoy  any  pressure  to  go  into   the  emotional  realm?)           Apart  from  giving  empathy  to  people  with  little  emotional  expression,  if  resonance   is  not  included  with  your  words,  it  may  be  because  you  are  having  an  implicit   response.      In  other  words,  if  you  have  difficulty  resonating  with  anger  or  fear  or  

 

  sadness,  it  may  be  that  you  weren’t  supported  to  feel  those  feelings  and  you’re  

88  

seeing  a  part  of  yourself  in  the  other  that  wasn’t  acceptable.    Or  perhaps  you  have   unresolved  trauma  linked  to  the  emotions  or  words  expressed  by  the  speaker.     Another  possibility  is  that,  when  learning  empathy,  resonance  can  be  missing  due  to   the  efforts  involved  in  learning  the  practice  of  empathy,  similar  to  how  learning   notes  and  scales  on  an  instrument  doesn’t  usually  sound  very  musical.    Once  you   become  familiar  with  a  vocabulary  of  needs  and  feelings,  you  can  give  more  of  your   attention  to  resonance  so  that  your  empathy  will  be  sweet  music  to  the  right   hemisphere  of  those  receiving  it  from  you.       Shifting  from  empathy  to  non-­‐empathic  responses  like  advice,  educating,  analysis,   story  telling,  encouraging,  consoling,  minimizing,  sympathy,  humour,  and  so  on,   might  also  be  a  sign  of  an  implicit  response  taking  you  out  of  your  window  of   tolerance.    When  you  leave  your  window  of  tolerance  you  either  get  overwhelmed   with  your  own  emotions,  or  you  escape  to  the  left  hemisphere  and  try  to  fix  the   situation  and  shift  emotions  to  a  more  comfortable  state.    When  you’ve  left  your   window  of  tolerance,  you  need  empathy.     Again,  I’m  not  at  all  suggesting  that  advice,  educating,  analysis,  and  all  the  other   kinds  of  responses  listed  above  are  wrong  or  not  helpful;  they  can  be  very,  very   helpful.    What  I’m  saying  is  that  those  responses  are  not  empathy  and  usually  don’t   support  the  right  hemisphere  to  regulate  emotions  very  well  or  as  well  as  resonant   empathy.        

 

  89   It’s  worth  repeating  that  the  goal  of  empathy,  be  it  self-­‐empathy  or  empathy  for   another,  is  not  to  solve  anything  or  make  anyone  feel  better.      The  goal  with  empathy   is  to  resonate  with  emotions  and  connect  to  needs.    Advice,  humour,  consoling,  and   other  responses  can  be  effective  at  shifting  someone  to  more  pleasant  emotions,  but   they  can  also  cut  someone  off  from  the  emotions  they’re  feeling.    Shifting  to  a  more   pleasant  emotion  or  cutting  off  from  a  painful  one,  can  be  relieving  and  maybe   necessary  if  there  isn’t  time  or  energy  to  support  the  right  hemisphere.    However,   without  feeling  an  emotion  and  listening  to  what  it’s  trying  to  tell  you,  you  might   miss  the  need  that  the  emotion  is  pointing  toward.    You  have  an  incredibly   intelligent  nervous  system  that  is  designed  for  feeling  emotions  and  sensations  so   that  you  can  be  keenly  attuned  to  your  needs.    So,  not  listening  to  your  feelings  will   work  against  your  internal  guidance  system,  like  a  pilot  taking  off  without  bothering   to  look  at  her  control  panel.           SUPPORTIVE  EMPATHY   There  are  two  contexts  in  which  empathy  can  be  given  to  another.    Giving  empathy   to  someone  who  is  speaking  about  a  situation  that  doesn’t  involve  you  is  one  context   for  empathy  that  I  call  supportive  empathy.    My  example  of  offering  empathy  to  a   friend  who  is  having  a  challenge  at  work  would  be  an  example  of  supportive   empathy.    The  main  challenge  with  supportive  empathy  is  setting  aside  advice,  story   telling,  analysis,  and  all  other  non-­‐empathy  responses  so  emotions  can  be  regulated   and  needs  uncovered.          

 

  What  often  happens  when  people  learn  empathy  is  that  they  find  empathy  

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buddies—other  empathy  practitioners  with  whom  to  exchange  supportive  empathy.     Empathy  buddies  are  worth  their  weight  in  gold,  and  silver,  and  diamonds.    I  doubt  I   would  have  persevered  as  a  workshop  facilitator  and  public  speaker  without  my   empathy  buddies.    Furthermore,  I  have  much  more  confidence  that  I  can  be  the   person  I  want  to  be  with  loved  ones  because  I  take  more  and  more  of  my  implicit   issues  to  my  empathy  buddies  rather  than  projecting  them  onto  loved  ones.    Best  of   all,  the  more  empathy  I  receive,  the  more  I  internalize  an  empathic  response  to  my   emotions,  and  the  more  self-­‐empathy  becomes  a  habit.     Sometimes  people  tell  me  that  they  tried  empathy  and  it  didn’t  work.        When  I  ask   them  to  tell  me  more  about  what  didn’t  work,  I  usually  find  out  that  they  weren’t   practicing  the  kind  of  empathy  I’m  talking  about  but  were  using  sympathy  or  advice   or  story  telling  or  consoling  or  asking  the  person  to  share  feelings  and  needs  instead   of  offering  guesses  or  there  wasn’t  enough  time  or  energy  to  give  the  person  the   amount  of  empathy  he  needed.    The  other  thing  that  commonly  happens  is  that   people  get  triggered  when  offering  empathy  to  someone  expressing  emotions  or   painful  things.    It  brings  up  their  unresolved  implicit  memories.    When  this  happens,   the  empathizer  will  often  non-­‐consciously  attempt  to  fix  the  person  receiving   empathy  or  shift  his  emotional  state  in  order  to  feel  better  himself.    This  certainly   happens  to  me.    It’s  part  of  being  human.    I  don’t  expect  myself  or  anyone  else  to  be   able  to  offer  everyone  the  empathy  they  need.    (Find  an  outline  of  Empathy  for   Another  in  Appendix  IV,  page  109.)    

 

  EMPATHY  DURING  DIALOGUE  

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The  other  context  for  offering  empathy  to  another  is  a  dialogue  in  which  there  is   something  to  work  through  or  resolve  that  does  involve  you,  be  it  a  minor   disagreement  or  a  major  one.    Empathy  during  dialogues  can  be  quite  difficult   because  it  involves  giving  empathy  to  another  while  also  expressing  your  side   without  judgement  or  blame.    This  requires  your  MPFC  to  regulate  your  feelings  and   needs  and  offer  empathy  to  the  other  person.    And  it  requires  the  left  hemisphere  to   state  clear  observations,  feelings,  needs,  and  requests.    It’s  a  full-­‐brain  workout.     HONEST  EXPRESSION   A  third  part  of  the  NVC  practice  is  honest  expression.    Although  honest  expression   often  goes  better  when  self-­‐connection  and  empathy  for  another  happen  first,  you   can  begin  with  any  of  the  three  parts  of  NVC—self-­‐connection,  empathy  for  another,   and  honest  expression—and  dance  between  the  three  as  needed.  (If  you  enjoy   movement  when  learning,  I  highly  recommend  the  NVC  Dance  Floors,   www.nvcdancefloors.com,  for  learning  all  three  parts  of  NVC).         In  my  dialogue  with  the  cameraman,  I  did  self-­‐connection  first.    After  the   presentation  was  over,  I  expressed  my  honesty  to  the  cameraman,  then  offered  him   some  empathy,  and  then  expressed  some  more  of  my  honesty.      After  our  dialogue,  I   did  more  self-­‐connection  to  celebrate  the  needs  that  had  been  met  by  the  dialogue.     Sometimes  my  NVC  dance  happens  over  several  dialogues  with  someone  because  I   need  breaks  to  give  myself  empathy  or  get  empathy  from  an  empathy  buddy  for  the  

 

  92   deeper  implicit  issues  that  get  activated.    Again,  empathy  buddies  are  worth  their   weight  in  gold,  and  platinum,  and  chocolate,  especially  when  you  become  very  close   with  someone  and  the  early-­‐childhood  implicit  reactions  start  firing.     As  mentioned  earlier,  each  of  self-­‐empathy,  empathy  for  another,  and  honest   expression  have  four  pieces:  observations,  feelings,  needs,  and  requests  (OFNR).     OFNR  support  functioning  in  both  hemispheres  of  the  brain  as  well  as  linking   between  the  hemispheres  of  the  brain  and  the  cranial  brain  with  the  nervous  system   in  the  body.    Making  observations  and  requests  supports  the  left  hemisphere  of  the   brain.    Connecting  to  feelings  and  needs  supports  the  right  hemisphere  of  the  brain   and  the  body.    Moreover,  following  the  process  of  the  NVC,  whether  doing  self-­‐ empathy,  empathy  for  another,  or  honest  expression,  allows  the  left  hemisphere  to   support  the  right  hemisphere  to  dive  into  the  inner  world  of  emotions  and  needs   without  getting  lost  or  confused.     0BSERVATIONS   Observations  are  the  facts  about  your  experience,  usually  the  facts  about  what  you   see  or  hear  but  information  from  any  of  the  senses  can  be  included  in  observations.   Observations  are  free  of  judgements,  evaluations  or  interpretations.    One  way  to  test   if  you  are  making  an  observation  or  a  judgement  is  to  see  if  it’s  arguable.    If  you  tell   someone  he  is  rude,  would  he  be  able  to  argue  that?    Yes.    He  could  argue  that  he  is   not  being  rude  he  is  being  honest.    If  you  told  him  instead  that  he  begins  speaking   before  others  have  finished  and  he  doesn’t  ask  others  for  their  input,  could  he  argue   that?    If  those  things  had  just  happened,  it  would  be  quite  difficult  for  him  to  argue  

 

  those  facts.    He  might  not  like  that  feedback,  but  he  would  have  a  difficult  time  

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arguing  it.    Making  clear  observations  supports  the  left  hemisphere  to  form  a  clear   understanding  of  what’s  happening  without  getting  lost  in  judgements  and   interpretations.    Furthermore,  the  communication  doesn’t  end  at  observations,   there  are  feelings  needs  and  requests  to  get  to,  both  yours  and  his.           FEELINGS   Once  you’re  clear  about  your  observations,  then  you  can  enter  the  right  hemisphere   of  the  brain  and  the  body  by  expressing  your  feelings.    Feelings  or  emotions  describe   energy  in  the  body,  such  as  sadness,  excitement,  fear,  happiness,  joy,  anger,  and  so   on.    Often  the  word  “feel”  is  used  to  describe  thoughts  and  interpretations  rather   than  energy  in  the  body.    For  example,  “I  feel  like  you  don’t  care,”  or,  “I  feel  like  an   idiot.”    As  soon  as  you  put  the  word  “like”  after  the  word  “feel,”  you  can  be  quite  sure   that  you  are  going  to  make  a  judgement—idiot—or  an  interpretation—you  don’t   care.    Many  words  that  end  with  ed—attacked,  abandoned,  rejected,  bullied—are   used  as  feelings  but  are  actually  interpretations  of  other’s  actions.    This  is  a  sign  that   you  are  still  in  the  left  hemisphere  of  your  brain,  trying  to  make  sense  of  your   experience  based  on  interpretations  and  judgements.    In  order  to  guide  your   attention  to  your  body  so  that  you  can  embrace  your  feelings  and  connect  to  your   needs,  you  can  ask  yourself  what  emotion  you  feel  in  your  body  when  you  think  you   are  an  idiot  or  think  someone  doesn’t  care  or  think  you  are  being  attacked,   abandoned,  rejected,  or  bullied.        

 

  94   Again,  an  effective  way  to  test  if  you  are  expressing  a  feeling,  an  interpretation,  or   judgement  is  to  see  if  your  statement  can  be  argued.      

“I  feel  like  and  idiot.”  

 

“You’re  not  an  idiot.    You’re  doing  you’re  best.”      

   

“I  feel  like  you  don’t  care.”  

 

“I  do  care.    Look  at  all  the  things  I  do  for  you.”      

   

“I  feel  attacked.”  

 

“I’m  not  attacking  you;  I’m  being  assertive.”      

   

“I  feel  abandoned  and  rejected.”  

 

“I’m  not  abandoning  you  or  rejecting  you,  I’m  just  taking  some  space.”      

  Feeling  words  that  describe  energy  in  the  body—sad,  excited,  upset,  curious,  scared,   happy,  hurt—don’t  judge  or  interpret  other’s  actions  and  thus  don’t  leave  room  for   another  to  argue  about  how  they  are  being  judged  or  interpreted.    Therefore,  not   only  will  expressing  feelings  support  you  to  access  the  right  hemisphere  and  the   body,  it  also  helps  steer  a  dialogue  toward  connection  rather  than  an  argument.       Another  way  to  express  feelings  is  to  describe  the  sensations  in  the  body.    For   example,  butterflies  in  the  belly,  constriction  in  the  throat,  tightness  in  the  chest,   shallow  breath,  or  dry  mouth.  The  face,  jaw,  neck,  shoulder,  chest,  and  belly  are  

 

  95   good  place  to  find  sensations  because  the  vagus  nerve,  which  activates  the  energy   of  fight/flight/freeze  or  faint,  branches  into  these  areas.    Naming  sensations  makes   it  easier  to  steer  clear  of  judgements  and  interpretations  and  can  bring  you  even   more  into  your  body  and  the  right  hemisphere  of  your  brain.    Tuning  into  your   sensations  and  feelings  allows  you  to  sense  which  needs  are  alive.           Your  judgements  and  interpretations  are  indirect  expressions  of  your  needs,  so   listening  to  them  is  another  way  to  uncover  your  needs.    The  thought,  “you’re  being   rude,”  might  be  an  indirect  expression  of  a  need  for  respect.    The  thought,  “I  feel  like   you’re  attacking  me,”  might  be  a  need  for  understanding  or  compassion  or  safety.     The  thought,  “I’m  an  idiot,”  might  be  a  need  for  integrity  or  self-­‐worth.      This  means   that,  if  you  notice  you’re  lost  or  stuck  in  judgements  and  interpretations,  you  can   pull  out  a  list  of  needs  and  start  looking  for  the  needs  you’re  thoughts  are  indirectly   expressing.    If  you  can  also  welcome  the  sensations  and  emotions,  you  will  have   more  information  from  which  to  find  your  needs  and  more  regulation  happening  in   your  right  hemisphere.    See  appendix  II,  page  105,  for  a  list  of  NVC  needs.     Whether  you  search  for  your  needs  by  paying  attention  to  sensations  and  feelings  or   to  thoughts  or  both,  you’ll  know  you’ve  found  them  when  you  feel  a  shift  or  opening   in  your  body,  which  might  include  a  release  of  deeper  emotions.              

 

  REQUESTS  

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As  I  wrote  earlier,  needs  are  universal,  abstract  qualities,  not  attached  to  people  or   outcomes,  that  describe  what  is  most  important  for  humans  to  live  fulfilling  lives.       Once  you’ve  connected  to  your  needs  and  you  feel  more  grounded  and  integrated,   you  can  return  to  the  left  hemisphere  to  find  a  request  or  strategy  for  meeting  your   needs.    A  strategy  is  another  word  for  a  request;  it’s  something  specific  and  doable   that  you  can  ask  of  another  or  yourself  to  meet  your  needs.     Asking,  “Would  you  be  willing  to  be  more  respectful?”  is  not  an  NVC  request  because   it  is  not  specific  and  doable.    Asking,  “Would  you  be  willing  to  wait  until  I’m  finished   speaking  before  you  respond?”  is  specific  and  doable,  as  is,  “Would  you  be  willing  to   ask  for  my  input  during  meetings?”     With  an  NVC  request,  there  is  a  willingness  to  hear  “no.”    If  you  are  not  willing  to   hear  no,  then  you  are  making  a  demand,  not  a  request.    However,  a  “no”  does  not   need  to  be  the  end  of  the  discussion.    All  expressions  have  needs  within  them,   including  an  expression  of  “no.”    So,  needs  guesses  can  be  offered  in  response  to  a   “no.”    This  would  be  an  example  of  giving  empathy  to  another  during  dialogue—the   second  context  for  giving  empathy  to  another.    The  goal  of  an  NVC  dialogue  with   someone  is  to  have  all  needs  understood  and  valued  first  and  then  find  strategies   that  meet  all  needs.    Strategies  that  come  from  connection  are  much  more  likely  to   be  implemented  and  effective  than  strategies  that  come  from  power-­‐over  or  win-­‐ lose  negotiations.    

 

  To  be  done  well,  NVC  requires  inward  attention  and  lots  of  practice.    It’s  like  

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learning  a  new  instrument  while  unlearning  and  old  one.    It  often  requires  that  you   slow  down  and  tune  in  to  what  is  going  on  in  your  mind  and  body.    This  makes  it  a   difficult  practice  for  those  of  us  who  have  grown  up  with  little  support  or  education   for  inward  self-­‐attunement  and  have  learned  to  pack  our  lives  full  of  outward-­‐ focused  things.    These  days  we  have  more  and  more  external  things  to  occupy  our   attention—with  a  plethora  of  gadgets  and  games  and  increasing  work  or  school   demands—making  it  all  the  harder  to  develop  inward  self-­‐attunement  neural   pathways.    Fortunately,  the  benefits  of  mindfulness  practices  for  mental  and   emotional  health  are  becoming  more  widely  known  and  appreciated.     GETTING  INTO  TROUBLE  WITH  NVC   There  are  a  couple  of  ways  in  which  you  can  get  into  trouble  with  NVC,  by  which  I   mean  end  up  with  less  connection  rather  than  more.    One  way  is  to  turn  NVC  into   dogma  and  expect  or  demand  that  people  speak  only  observations,  feelings,  needs,   and  requests,  and  always  respond  with  empathy.    I  can  assure  you  that  you  will  find   no  shortage  of  conflict  if  you  do  that.    When  you  do  your  inner  work  and  remember   that  the  intention  of  NVC  is  connection,  you  don’t  need  people  to  speak  a  certain   way  because  you  can  hear  their  needs  no  matter  how  they  are  expressing   themselves.    I  went  through  my  phase  of  speaking  formal-­‐sounding  NVC  and  learned   a  lot.    Now  I  speak  much  more  informal  NVC  while  still  paying  close  attention  to   emotions  and  needs,  and  still  making  clear  observations  and  requests  when  I  think   it’s  helpful  to  do  so.    See  Appendix  V,  page  111  for  an  outline  of  Natural  NVC.    

 

  98   The  other  way  to  get  into  trouble  with  NVC  is  to  think  it’s  all  about  talking  things   through.    The  intention  of  NVC  is  to  deepen  connection.    Sometime  talking  things   through  can  deepen  connection;  sometimes  it  lessens  connection.    Sometimes   connection  happens  better  without  words—through  play  or  music  or  art,  or  nature,   and  so  on.    Lots  of  NVC  honest  expression  and  empathy  without  patterns  or   dynamics  shifting  is  a  good  sign  that  implicit  issues  are  getting  projected  instead  of   transformed  through  deeper  inner  work.    You’ll  know  you’re  transforming  your   implicit  issues  when  you  are  able  to  give  your  partner  lots  of  resonant  empathy,  see   him  or  her  with  greater  compassion,  and  remain  open  to  and  creative  about  meeting   both  of  your  needs  in  different  ways.     There  is  a  lot  more  to  explore  with  the  practice  of  NVC.    I  recommend  Marshall   Rosenberg’s  book  Nonviolent  Communication:  A  language  of  Life  for  a   comprehensive  understanding  of  NVC  (Rosenberg,  2003).    You  can  find  more   information  about  Marshall  Rosenberg,  more  NVC  books,  and  NVC  training  all  over   the  world  at  www.cnvc.org.         The  principle  of  NVC  that  has  helped  me  the  most  is  the  idea  that  everything  we  do   or  say  is  an  attempt  to  meet  a  need.    This  principle  is  steeped  in  compassion.     Instead  of  looking  for  what  is  right  or  wrong,  or  good  or  bad  about  someone  or   about  ourselves,  we  can  look  for  what  need  is  someone  meeting  with  their  actions.     This  principle  fits  very  well  with  the  findings  of  Interpersonal  Neurobiology  and   Attachment  Theory:  The  human  brain  is  wired  to  adapt  to  the  feedback  from  its   environment  so  that  it  can  survive  as  well  as  possible,  so  that  it  can  meet  its  needs  

 

  as  well  as  possible.    In  their  book  Hold  Onto  Your  Kids,  authors  Gordon  Neufeld  

99  

and  Gabor  Maté  explain  that  there  isn’t  something  inherently  wrong  with  children   who  exhibit  challenging  behaviour  (Neufeld  &  Maté,  2004).    The  challenging   behaviour  is  a  child’s  attempt  to  cope  with  insecure  or  disorganized  attachment   with  his  parents.    And,  the  use  of  punishment  or  rewards  to  change  behaviour  will   almost  certainly  further  compromise  the  attachment.     I’ve  found  a  lot  more  compassion  for  myself  knowing  that  my  unhelpful  behaviours   in  relationships—caretaking  partners,  closing  down  or  withdrawing,  not  reaching   out  for  support,  losing  my  sense  of  self—are  not  due  to  inherent  flaws  but  are  tied  to   unresolved  attachment  trauma  that  I  haven’t  yet  healed.                            

 

   

100  

Chapter  10.    The  Fantasy  of  Falling  in  Love   Why  did  I  fantasize  about  a  new  woman  to  fall  in  love  with  instead  of  doing  things   I’d  dreamed  of  doing  with  all  the  freedom  of  being  single,  because  following  dreams   and  realizing  potential  isn’t  easy.    We  need  to  heal  our  attachment  trauma  to  have   rewarding  relationships  and  rewarding  lives.    When  we  don’t  experience  the   differentiating  and  linking  we  need  with  our  parents,  we’re  left  with  limiting  beliefs   not  just  about  relationships,  but  also  about  ourselves  and  who  we  can  or  can  not  be.         I  wasn’t  aware  that  I  needed  to  face  my  past,  so  I  kept  cycling  through  relationships,   unknowingly  hiding  from  myself  and  projecting  my  pain  onto  partners.    Fortunately,   I  learned  was  happening  and  felt  motivated  enough  to  do  something  about  it.    Before   I  found  that  motivation,  part  of  me  secretly  hoped  that  if  I  found  the  right  woman,   I’d  find  the  meaning  and  purpose  and  deeper  fulfillment  I  was  missing,  and   everything  in  my  life  would  fall  into  place,  what  Bill  Plotkin  calls  egocentric  romance   (Plotkin,  2003).    So  I  would  dive  into  relationships,  get  lost  in  linking  with  a   newfound  lover,  and  not  know  that  I  had  more  differentiating  to  do.     It’s  very  difficult  to  give  up  the  fantasy  that  we  will  be  made  happy  and  whole  by   another,  but  no  one  can  do  our  healing  for  us.    No  one  else  can  do  the  healing  that   allows  us  to  discover  and  express  more  and  more  of  our  unique  talents,  gifts,  and   wholeness;  the  healing  that  allows  us  to  trust  that  it’s  safe  to  be  deeply  intimate   with  another  and  with  ourselves.    No  matter  how  perfect  a  lover  seems,  no  matter   how  much  two  lovers  have  in  common,  no  matter  how  magical  the  honeymoon  

 

  101   stage  is,  once  the  feel-­‐good  neurochemicals  have  run  out  of  steam,  the  parts  of   us  that  are  afraid  of  great  relationships  start  steering  the  ship.         The  good  news  is  that,  though  no  one  can  do  our  healing  for  us,  we  certainly  don’t   have  to  do  it  alone  or  without  lots  of  support.    In  fact,  because  our  attachment   trauma  happened  within  relationships,  it’s  extra  powerful  to  heal  it  in  relationship   with  support.    In  other  words,  while  there  is  much  growth  and  brain  rewiring  that   happens  from  solo  practices—things  like  meditation,  mindfulness,  self-­‐reflection,   and  different  kinds  of  self-­‐processing—doing  healing  work  with  support  from  those   with  the  necessary  skills  and  awareness  of  differentiating  and  linking  will  allow  us   to  heal  while  at  the  same  time  experience  and  trust  healthy  relationship  dynamics.         As  a  relationship  progresses  and  commitment  and  intimacy  deepen,  deeper   attachment  trauma  gets  activated,  so  having  ongoing  support  is  important  for   relationships  to  evolve  and  continue  differentiating  and  linking.      There  are  effective   processes  and  practices  partners  can  do  without  support,  but  often  it’s  more   effective  and  efficient  to  include  support  as  well.    I  like  to  say  that  it  takes  a   community  to  raise  a  relationship.         Falling  in  love  is  one  of  the  most  beautiful  parts  of  being  human,  but  long-­‐term   intimate  relationship  is  an  adventure  that  takes  us  through  dazzling  peaks  and  dark   valleys.    However,  having  relationship  challenges  is  not  a  sign  of  failure;  it’s  a   natural  part  of  intimacy  and  commitment,  and  it’s  an  opportunity  to  continue   healing  and  growing.  The  beautiful  gift  of  a  relationship  is  not  in  being  made  whole  

 

  102   by  another,  but  in  uncovering  and  healing  attachment  trauma  so  you  can  share   more  and  more  of  your  aliveness,  passion,  kindness,  wholeness,  and  love  with  each   other.           “The  distance  from  your  pain,  your  grief,  your  unattended  wounds,  is  the  distance  from   your  partner.  And  the  distance  from  your  partner  is  the  distance  from  the  living  truth,   your  own  great  nature.  Whatever  maintains  that  distance,  that  separation  from   ourselves  and  our  beloveds,  must  be  investigated  with  mercy  and  awareness.  This   distance  is  not  overcome  by  one  giving  up  their  space  to  another,  but  by  both  partners   entering  together  the  unknown  between  them.  The  mind  creates  the  abyss  but  the   heart  crosses  it.”   —  Stephen  and  Ondrea  Levine,  “Embracing  the  Beloved”                          

 

 

103     Appendix  I            

SELF-­EMPATHY  PROCESS                                                                                                                                                     If  you  are  aware  that  you  are  triggered,  that  you’ve  “flipped  your  lid”  to  some  degree,   then  you  have  more  choice:  You  can  choose  to  stay  connected  to  your  prefrontal   cortex,  regulate  your  trigger,  and  find  a  healthy  response  to  the  situation  by   observing  your  thinking,  sensations,  feelings  and  needs;  or  you  can  choose  to  call  a   pause  or  reach  out  for  support.    In  order  to  regulate  your  triggers  you  need  to  be   aware  that  you  are  triggered.    A  daily  practice  of  tuning  into  your  body  will  help  you   become  more  aware  of  when  you  are  triggered.    (By  triggered  I  mean  that  you  have   gone,  to  some  degree,  into  fight/flight/freeze  or  faint.)    If  you  are  not  aware  when   you  get  triggered  then  you  will  react  instead  of  respond  with  choice.     1.    Write  out  the  thoughts  about  your  situation,  including  judgements,   interpretations,  blame,  criticisms,  stories,  no  matter  how  mean  or  dark  that  might   be.    If  you  notice  your  body  feelings  triggered  but  you’re  not  aware  of  any  thoughts,   make  up  some  thoughts  about  your  situation.     2.    If  your  situation  has  different  parts,  start  with  the  most  difficult  part  of   this  situation.    Are  there  more  thoughts  related  to  the  most  difficult  part?    If  so,  go   back  to  step  1.     3.    Say  your  thoughts  out  loud  with  their  full  intensity  and  notice  what  sensations   and  feelings  are  alive  in  your  body.     4.    Bring  your  full  presence  to  your  sensations  and  feelings  in  your  body.     Welcome  them  and  breathe  into  them.    If  more  thoughts  come  to  mind,  go   back  to  step  1.  

 

 

104    

5.    Pull  out  your  needs  sheet    and  look  for  the  needs  that  your  thoughts,  sensations,   and  feelings  are  pointing  to.    Listen  to  how  your  body  responds  to  your  needs.     When  you  feel  a  release  or  shift  in  your  body,  then  your  need  guess  has  landed.    Try   asking  yourself,  “If  the  outcome  I  want  happened,  what  need  would  be  met  for  me?”     Then  ask,  “If  this  need  were  met  for  me,  what  deeper  need  would  be  met?”    If  more   thoughts  come  up,  go  back  to  step  1.     6.    Connect  fully  to  your  needs  and  stay  present  with  any  feelings  that  arise.                                    Often  there  is  sadness  that  comes  up  as  we  get  in  touch  with  our  needs.                                Embrace  whatever  feelings  and  sensations  and  needs  arise.     7.    If  you  experience  a  shift  to  a  more  relaxed,  open  state,  savour  that,  give  that  state   your  full  presence.    And,  you  can  bring  to  mind  a  resource—a  person,  place,  or  thing   that  helps  you  meet  these  needs  and  helps  you  feel  whole  and  accepted.    Savour  the   Living  Energy  of  your  needs  as  you  think  of  this  person  place  or  thing.    If  you  don’t   experience  a  shift  then  you  need  more  empathy  or  you  need  to  allow  yourself  to   mourn.     Sometimes  triggers  resolve  quickly  with  the  above  process;  sometimes  they  take  a   while  because  of  the  degree  of  trigger  and  how  much  it  relates  to  implicit  or  old  pain   and  trauma.    The  sooner  you  notice  you  are  triggered,  the  easiest  it  can  be  regulate   your  emotions  and  connect  to  your  needs.    Stronger  triggers  can  be  very  difficult  to   regulate  with  self-­‐empathy  and  support  from  an  empathy  buddy  or  therapist  may  be   necessary.                    

 

 

105   Appendix  II        

A  list  of  Needs   Needs  are  abstract,  universal,  intrinsic,  qualities  of  energy  and  wholeness  that,  when   experienced,  enrich  life.    Needs  are  not  attached  to  outcomes,  to  specific  people,  material   objects,  actions,  behaviours,  places,  or  times.    Needs  can  be  met  internally  by  being   present  with  what  is  alive  in  your  body  and  externally  when  something  happens  that   meets  a  need  for  you.    The  following  needs  list  includes  many  but  not  all  of  our  human   needs.     Some  needs  are  more  deeply  connected  to  our  wholeness  than  others.    In  order  to  find   deeper  needs,  you  can  ask  yourself  if  there  is  a  deeper  need  that  would  be  met  by  having   whatever  need  you’ve  uncovered  met.      For  example,  if  you’ve  uncovered  a  need  for  order,   asking  yourself  if  a  deeper  need  would  be  met  by  having  order  met  might  lead  you  to  a   need  for  peace  or  stability.    Having  a  need  for  reliability  met  might  meet  a  deeper  need  to   matter.    Connecting  to  deeper  needs  supports  you  to  be  more  in  your  right  hemisphere.     Needs  closer  to  the  surface—related  more  to  what’s  happening  outside  of  you—keeps  you   more  in  the  left  hemisphere.         Autonomy   • Consideration   • Freedom  of  choice   • Contribution  to  enriching  life/   • with  dreams,  goals,  values   The  well  being  of  others   • Respect   • Emotional  safety   • Consideration   • Bonding   • Individuality   • Empathy     • Honesty   Integrity   • Inclusion   • Authenticity   • Love   • Creativity,  creating   • Nurturing   • Meaning   • Respect/Self-­‐Respect   • Self  worth   • Safety   • Purpose   • Security   Connection   • Stability   • Acceptance   • Shared  Reality  Shared  Values,   • Appreciation   Culture   • Belonging   • To  know  and  be  known   • Clarity   • To  see  and  be  seen   • Closeness   • To  understand  and  be   • Competence   understood  

 

 

106   • •

 

Trust   Warmth  

  Meaning/Purpose   • Awareness   • Beauty   • Challenge   • Commitment   • Connection  with  life  bigger   than  you   • Consciousness   • Contribution   • Discovery   • Efficacy   • Effectiveness   • Growth   • Inspiration   • Learning   • Play/fun   • To  Matter     Physical  Nurturance   • Air   • Food   • Movement/  exercise   • Protection  from  life   threatening  forms  of  life   • Rest   • Self-­‐Care   • Shelter     • Touch  

•

Water  

  Peace   • Beauty   • Communion   • Ease   • Equality   • Harmony   • Order   • Serenity     Interdependence   • Community   • Friendship   • Support   • Co-­‐creation,  Collaboration   • Cooperation   • Mutuality     • Sharing     Celebration   • To  celebrate  the  creation  of  life   and  dreams            fulfilled   • To  celebrate  losses:  love  ones,   dreams  [mourning]     Other  Needs   •   •   •  

             

 

 

107     Appendix  III        

A  List  of  Feelings     Feelings,  emotions,  and  sensations  are  pointing  us  toward  our  needs,  whether  they  are  met  or  not  met.     Enjoyable  feelings  are  telling  us  about  our  met  needs  and  unpleasant  feelings  are  telling  us  about  our   unmet  needs.    Below  are  examples  of  feelings  and  emotions.    You  can  also  tune  into  the  sensations  in   your  body  to  find  your  needs.     Feelings  when  your  needs  are  met                                                                                                                                                                      

AFFECTIONATE   compassionate   friendly   loving   open-­‐hearted   tender   warm   CONFIDENT   empowered   open   proud   safe   secure   ENGAGED   absorbed   alert   curious    

engrossed   enchanted   entranced   fascinated   interested   intrigued   stimulated   INSPIRED   amazed   awed   EXCITED   aroused   astonished   dazzled   eager   energetic   enthusiastic    

giddy   invigorated   passionate   surprised   vibrant   EXHILARATED   blissful   ecstatic   elated   enthralled   exuberant   radiant   thrilled   GRATEFUL   appreciative   moved   thankful  

touched   HOPEFUL   encouraged   optimistic   HAPPY   amused   delighted   glad   joyful   jubilant   pleased   tickled   PEACEFUL   calm   clear   comfortable   centered  

content   fulfilled   mellow   quiet   relaxed   relieved   satisfied   serene   still   tranquil   REFRESHED   enlivened   rejuvenated   renewed   rested   restored   revived  

perplexed   puzzled   torn   DISCONNECTED   alienated   aloof   apathetic   bored   detached   distant   distracted   indifferent   numb   withdrawn   DISQUIET  

agitated   alarmed   discombobulated   disconcerted   disturbed   perturbed   rattled   restless   shocked   startled   surprised   troubled   turmoil   uncomfortable   uneasy  

   

Feelings  when  your  needs  are  not  met  

AFRAID   apprehensive   dread   frightened   panicked   petrified   scared   suspicious   terrified   wary   worried   ANNOYED   aggravated   dismayed   disgruntled  

displeased   exasperated   frustrated   impatient   irritated   irked   ANGRY   enraged   furious   irate   livid   outraged   resentful   AVERSION   appalled  

contempt   disgusted   dislike   hate   horrified   hostile   repulsed   CONFUSED   ambivalent   baffled   bewildered   dazed   hesitant   lost   mystified  

 

 

108  

unnerved   unsettled   upset   EMBARRASSED   ashamed   chagrined   flustered   guilty   mortified   self-­‐conscious   FATIGUE   beat   burnt  out   depleted  

     

exhausted   lethargic   listless   sleepy   tired   weary   worn  out   PAIN   agony   anguished   devastated   heartbroken   hurt   lonely  

miserable   regretful   remorseful   SAD   depressed   dejected   despair   despondent   disappointed   discouraged   disheartened   gloomy   hopeless   unhappy  

TENSE   anxious   cranky   distressed   distraught   edgy   fidgety   frazzled   irritable   jittery   nervous   overwhelmed   restless   stressed  out  

VULNERABLE   fragile   guarded   helpless   insecure   leery   reserved   sensitive   shaky   YEARNING   envious   jealous   longing   nostalgic

   

                                         

 

 

109  

  Appendix  IV  

            Resonant  Empathy  for  Another       The  following  guidelines  are  for  the  context  of  empathy  partners  or  buddies—two  or  more   empathy  buddies  setting  aside  time  to  give  and  receive  empathy.    However  many  of  these   guidelines  will  also  be  useful  for  any  context  in  which  you  offer  empathy  to  someone.         This  outline  covers  the  main  elements  to  remember  when  practicing  empathy.    And,  like  most   practices,  there  are  ways  to  improvise  and  add  to  the  fundamental  elements.    For  me  the  crucial   piece  is  to  make  sure  I’m  clear  in  myself  and  with  my  partner  about  my  needs  and  intentions  for   veering  away  from  empathy  into  advice,  analysis,  etc.,  and  to  make  sure  my  partner  genuinely   wants  to  explore  things  other  than  empathy.      I  recommend  that  you  stay  with  this  outline  as   much  as  possible  because  this  approach  is  so  supportive  for  the  right  hemisphere,  and  it’s  a   precious  gift  to  give  space  for  the  right  hemisphere  to  process  feelings  and  needs,  widen  it’s   window  of  tolerance,  and  strengthen  self-­‐soothing  neuropathways.     The  Intention  of  Empathy  for  Another   • To  connect  with  the  feelings  and  needs  of  the  other  person  with  a  feeling  tone  or   energy  that  resonates  with  your  partner’s  emotional  experience.   • To  let  go  of  getting  it  “right.”    Empathy  is  a  practice  of  being  present  with  and   understanding  another’s  experience  and  all  of  us  have  room  to  grow  with  our  needs   vocabulary  and  our  windows  of  tolerance  for  emotions.     Presence     • Returning  to  the  present  moment  again  and  again  after  the  mind  wanders.     • Setting  aside  all  the  advice,  stories,  suggestions,  sympathy,  educating  and  other  non-­‐ empathic  responses  that  come  to  mind  and  bringing  your  attention  back  again  and   again  to  the  other  person’s  feelings  and  needs  and  content.     Focus     • Following  where  the  other’s  expression  leads  and  listening  for  the  unfolding  of  needs   and  feelings.        

 

 

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Silence  and  Verbal  Reflection   • Your  presence  and  how  you  direct  your  attention  are  the  foundations  of  empathy.     Sometimes  empathy  happens  in  silence—bringing  attention  to  another  and  guessing   their  feelings  and  needs  without  saying  anything.    And,  sometimes,  verbal  reflection   can  help  the  other  to  deepen  into  her  experience  and  help  calm  her  amygdala.     • If  your  partner  is  going  on  at  length  with  their  story  and  you  don’t  sense  that  he  is   deepening  into  his  experience,  into  his  body,  then  verbal  reflect  may  be  helpful.     • If  your  partner  is  deepening  into  his  experience  and  into  his  body,  then  remaining  silent   or  simply  making  resonant  sounds  and  expressing  resonant  body  language  (if  you’re   together)  may  be  all  that  is  needed.     Verbal  Reflection     • When  you  sense  it  would  be  supportive  for  the  other,  you  can  say  back  to  her  the   feelings  and  needs  that  you  guess  are  alive  for  her.    It  can  also  be  helpful  to  reflect   some  of  the  important  content  that  was  shared.         • Spoken  reflection  might  happen  when  there  is  a  pause  in  the  other’s  expression,  or  you   might  interrupt  and  ask  to  reflect  what  you’re  hearing  so  that  you  can  stay  present  with   her  and  so  she  can  deepen  into  her  experience.     • Curiosity  and  non-­‐attachment  to  how  your  empathy  guesses  land  for  the  other  person   are  very  important  elements  of  empathy.    Without  curiosity  and  non-­‐attachment,  your   empathy  may  come  across  as  analysis.      A  classic  NVC  expression  of  empathy  would  be,   “Are  you  feeling  frustrated  because  you  need  to  be  understood?”    However  you   express  your  empathy,  finishing  with  phrases  such  as,  “Is  that  it?  Am  I  understanding   you?    Did  I  miss  something?”  will  help  convey  your  curiosity  and  non-­‐attachment.     • If  you  can  remember  that  you  don’t  have  to  get  it  “right,”  then  you  can  just  see  how   your  guesses  land  for  the  other  person  and  continue  from  there.    If  your  guess  is  not   accurate  for  your  partner,  it  is  still  very  valuable  because  your  partner  gets  to  check   and  see  what  is  accurate  or  true  for  her.    Your  inaccurate  guess  allows  her  to  look   inside  and  find  her  own  answer,  which  is  wonderful  for  brain  integration  and  for   differentiation.            

 

 

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  Appendix  V                

  Speaking  Natural  Nonviolent  Communication       The  intention  of  NVC  is  to  cultivate  connection  by  putting  our  attention  on  feelings   and  needs  so  that  we  can  meet  all  needs  peacefully.      The  formal  NVC  language— observations  without  evaluations  or  judgements,  feelings  without  thoughts,  needs   without  strategies,  and  requests  without  demands-­‐-­‐is  one  strategy  to  try  and   cultivate  connection.    The  strategy  of  speaking  formal  NVC  can  sometimes  be  helpful   for  creating  connection,  and  sometimes  it  can  be  less  than  helpful  and  actually  result   in  less  connection  between  two  people.      However,  the  more  intense  our  emotional   experience  is,  the  more  helpful  the  simplicity  of  formal  NVC  can  be  for  staying  self-­‐ connected.    This  is  because  the  more  intense  our  emotional  state,  the  less  access  we   have  to  our  pre-­‐frontal  cortex,  which  is  the  part  of  the  brain  used  for  self-­‐awareness   and  self-­‐regulation  and  empathy.       Hearing  formal  NVC  might  stimulate  someone’s  needs  for  trust  and  authenticity  as   the  NVC  communication  process  is  likely  different  than  what  the  person  is  familiar   with.    Formal  NVC  might  still  be  an  effective  strategy  if  the  person  expressing  can   stay  with  the  intention  to  connect  and  offer  lots  of  empathy.    And,  sometimes  a  less   formal,  more  natural  sounding  NVC  language  can  facilitate  more  ease  with   connection.     For  me  feeling  words  and  need  words  are  “the  map  not  the  territory”.    The  territory   is  the  actual  energy  of  the  feelings  and  needs  in  our  bodies.    Although  language  and   how  it  is  used  is  an  important  way  that  humans  share  energy  and  meaning,  we  can   connect  to  the  energy  of  feelings  and  needs  in  other  ways.     The  words  ‘feel’  and  ‘need’  can  have  all  kinds  of  negative  associations  for  some   people,  which  can  make  connection  more  difficult.    So  an  easy  way  to  begin  speaking   a  more  natural  NVC  is  to  leave  out  the  words  “feel”  and  “need”.    Instead  of  saying,  “I   feel  frustrated  or  I  feel  sad,”  try  saying,  “I’m  frustrated  or  I’m  sad.”    Also,  leave  out   the  word  feel  when  offering  empathy.    “Are  you  irritated?    Are  you  frustrated?”    

 

 

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The  word  need  can  have  associations  with  neediness,  weakness,  dependency,  and  so   on.    If  others  interpret  needs  with  those  associations,  then  they  will  likely  hear  a   demand  with  expression  of  the  word  need.    Below  are  some  different  words  that  can   be  substituted  for  the  word  “need”.    The  list  is  by  no  means  conclusive.    Again,  you   can  leave  out  the  word  need  when  offering  empathy.     • I  want  trust.  Or,  when  empathizing,  do  you  want  trust?   • I’m  longing  to  be  understood.      Or,  are  you  longing  to  be  understood?   • Authenticity  is  important  to  me.    Or,  is  authenticity  important  to  you?   • I  want  to  live  in  a  world  where  people  know  they  matter.    Or,  do  you  want  to   live  in  a  world…   • This  about  peace  for  me.    Or,  is  this  about  peace  for  you?   • I  love/enjoy  collaboration.    Do  you  love/enjoy  collaboration?   • I  would  like  honesty.    Would  you  like  honesty?   • I  value  kindness.    Do  you  value  honesty?   • I  have  a  sense  of  being  understood.    Do  you  have  a  sense  of  being  understood?   However  one  chooses  to  express  NVC,  remembering  the  intention  of  connection  will   go  a  long  way  to  manifesting  connection.                                                  

 

 

113       Appendix  VI  

     

Calling  a  Pause       When  there  is  conflict  and  people  are  going  into  fight/flight/freeze  or  faint,  a  pause   for  co-­‐regulation  can  be  very  helpful.    This  process  can  be  used  for  groups  of  two  or   more.      The  larger  the  group,  the  more  difficult  it  can  be.       1.    Someone  asks  for  a  pause.    If  the  other(s)  is  willing  to  pause  continue  with  the   following  steps.    If  the  other(s)  is  not  willing  to  do  a  pause  process,  then  I  suggest   taking  a  break  and  continuing  another  time,  after  getting  some  empathy.     2.    Each  person  brings  her  attention  to  her  body  and  takes  turns  naming  one  or  two   sensations  that  she  notices.    Sensations  may  be  strong  or  very  subtle,  including   things  like  the  quality  of  the  breath,  tingling,  tension,  tightness,  pressure,  fluttering,   heat,  softening,  opening,  and  so  on.     3.    After  a  few  rounds  of  naming  sensations,  each  person  makes  guesses  about  his   own  needs  and  says  them  out  loud.    Use  a  needs  list  if  that  helps.    Try  to  stick  with   just  the  need  words  without  attaching  it  to  another  person,  for  example,  a  need  for   respect  or  support  or  understanding,  or  to  matter,  or  to  be  understood,  etc,  instead   of  “I  need  you  to  respect  me  or  I  need  you  to  be  more  compassionate.”     4.    After  needs  have  been  named,  whoever  is  willing  asks  the  other(s),  “Can  I  see  if   I’m  understanding  you?”    Then  reflect  back  the  feelings  and  needs  and  important   content,  finishing  with,  “Is  that  it?  Did  I  miss  anything?”    Each  person  takes  a  turn  to   receive  empathy.     5.      Each  person  checks  to  see  if  her  needs  are  needs  that  weren’t  met  in  childhood   by  her  parents  or  adult  caregivers.    In  other  words,  are  the  sensations  and  needs   connected  to  implicit  memories?     6.    Again,  offer  empathy  to  each  other,  if  it’s  wanted.    

 

 

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7.    Each  person  check  with  themselves  and  see  if  there  are  any  requests  about  how   to  move  forward  with  the  dialogue,  requests  of  self  and/or  request  of  the  other.     Share  requests  with  each  other  and  move  forward  if  there  are  no  objections  to   requests.    If  there  are  objections,  get  clear  on  the  needs  within  the  objections  and   adjust  the  requests  until  all  are  willing  to  move  forward.     8.    One  way  to  move  forward  is  for  someone  who  feels  relatively  calm  to  say  back   the  lasts  things  that  were  said  before  the  pause  was  called.    Adding  needs  guesses   for  the  last  things  said  will  likely  be  helpful  too.      Continuing  the  dialogue  with  lots  of   empathy  is  recommended.    Giving  each  speaker  empathy  before  another  speaker   responds  or  adds  to  the  dialogue  is  very  helpful  for  difficult  dialogues.                                        

 

 

115   Endnotes  

  Chapter  2.    Relationships  That  Work     Daniel  Siegel,  Mindsight:  The  New  Science  of  Personal  Transformation  (New  York:   Bantam  Books,  2010),  64     Chapter  3.      Attachment  Theory     McLeod,  Saul.  “Mary  Ainsworth.”    Simply  Psychology,  2008.  Web.  06  Jul.  2013   http://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-­‐ainsworth.html     Maté,  Gabor.  In  the  Realm  of  Hungry  Ghosts:  Close  Encounters  with  Addition  (Toronto:   Vintage  Canada,  2008),  241,  242     No  author  mentioned.  “Child  Rearing  Practices  of  Distant  Ancestors  Foster  Morality,   Compassion  in  Kids.”    Science  Daily,  2010.    Web.    29  Oct.  2013   http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/09/100921163709.htm     Chapter  4.    Memory  and  Attachment  Trauma         Siegel,  Daniel.  Mindsight:  The  New  Science  of  Personal  Transformation  (New  York:   Bantam  Books,  2010),  64     Chapter  5.  The  Vagus  Nerve     Stephen  Porges,  http://www.stephenporges.com/     Chapter  6.  The  Amygdala  and  Hippocampus     Cozolino,  Louis.  The  Neuroscience  of  Psychotherapy  (WW  Norton  &  Company   Incorporated,  2006),       Chapter  7.    Regulating  Emotions     Siegel,  Daniel,  Mindsight:  The  New  Science  of  Personal  Transformation  (New  York:   Bantam  Books,  2010),  64     Goldman,  Jason  G.  “Ed  Tronick  and  the  ‘Still  Face  Experiment’”  Science  Blogs,  The   Thoughtful  Animal,  2010.  Web.  30  Oct.  2013.   http://scienceblogs.com/thoughtfulanimal/2010/10/18/ed-­‐tronick-­‐and-­‐the-­‐still-­‐ face/     Lee,  Cynthia.    “When  science  and  the  humanities  collide.”    McGill  Publications.  1   April,  2009.    10  August,  2013    

 

 

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Chapter  8.    The  Window  of  Tolerance     McGilchrist,  Iain  (2009).  The  Master  and  His  Emissary.  Yale  University  Press     Chapter  9.    Nonviolent  Communication     Plotkin,  Bill  Soulcraft:  Crossing  into  the  Mysteries  of  Nature  and  Psyche  (Novato,  CA:   New  World  Library,  2003)     The  NVC  Dance  Floors  www.nvcdancefloors.com     Rosenberg,  Marshall,  Nonviolent  Communication:  A  Language  of  Life  (Encinitas,  CA:   PuddleDancer  Press,  2003)     Neufeld  Gordon  &  Maté,  Gabor,  Hold  On  To  Your  Kids:  Why  Parents  Need  To  Matter   More  Than  Peers  (Toronto:  Vintage  Canada,  2004)