My Fiances Brother (The Guilty Series,Book TWO)- Odette Stone(ang.)

Table of Contents Untitled Dedication Prologue Chapter One Chpater Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty One Chapter Twenty Two

Chapter Twenty Three Chapter Twenty Four Chapter Twenty Five Chapter Twenty Six Chapter Twenty Seven Chapter Twenty Eight Chapter Twenty Nine Chapter Thirty Chapter Thirty One Chapter Thirty Two Chapter Thirty Three Chapter Thirty Four Chapter Thirty Five Chapter Thirty Six Chapter Thirty Seven Chapter Thirty Eight Chapter Thirty Nine Chapter Forty Chapter Forty One Chapter Forty Two Chapter Forty Three Chapter Forty Four Chapter Forty Five Chapter Forty Six Chapter Forty Seven

Contents Untitled Dedication Prologue Chapter One Chpater Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty One Chapter Twenty Two Chapter Twenty Three

Chapter Twenty Four Chapter Twenty Five Chapter Twenty Six Chapter Twenty Seven Chapter Twenty Eight Chapter Twenty Nine Chapter Thirty Chapter Thirty One Chapter Thirty Two Chapter Thirty Three Chapter Thirty Four Chapter Thirty Five Chapter Thirty Six Chapter Thirty Seven Chapter Thirty Eight Chapter Thirty Nine Chapter Forty Chapter Forty One Chapter Forty Two Chapter Forty Three Chapter Forty Four Chapter Forty Five Chapter Forty Six Chapter Forty Seven Chapter Forty Eight Chapter Forty Nine Epilogue Message From Odette About the Author

My Fiance’s Brother, The Guilty Series, Book 2 Copyright © 2017 by Odette Stone www.odettestone.com

ISBN: 978-0-9950200-1-6 First edition, June 2017 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, locations and incidents are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, things, living or dead, locales or events is entirely coincidental.

Cover Design: Letitia Hasser | RBA Designs

To Pam. You’re one of the greatest friends anyone could ask for. This book wouldn’t be here without your help. Thank you.

Prologue I stood in the room in the back of the church staring in the mirror. My red hair was piled up on the top of my head. My sleeveless wedding dress had a tight embroidered bodice that nipped into my waist before the skirt fell out in an expanse of tulle to the floor. It felt way too tight. I guess that is what happens when you are ten weeks pregnant. Your wedding dress starts to feel like a straight jacket on your rib cage. I took a deep breath, hating how I was unable to completely expand my lungs to full capacity. “You look like a princess,” Beth breathed from beside me. We stared at our reflections in the mirror. I looked so serious. So young and uncertain. How had I ended up here? My indecisiveness and my inability to speak my mind had brought me to this point. Now I was on the brink of making the biggest commitment of my life and I was still wracked with uncertainty. The problem was I felt numb. I didn’t even have my gut to rely on because I could feel nothing. It was like my entire being had been

whitewashed and there was no colour, no feeling, no sense of what was right and what was wrong. “Do you think I should marry Matt?” I asked Beth. The champagne flute hovered halfway to her lips. Our eyes met in in the mirror. “Don’t tease me with your rhetorical questions.” “It’s a real question.” I watched as she drained the entire glass. “Oh God.” I waited as she poured herself another glass. And then downed that one. She squared her shoulders and looked at me. “You can’t hold what I say against me if you don’t do what I think you should do.” I nodded. “I think marrying Matt is the biggest mistake you could possibly make in your life. And I think from the moment you say ‘I do’ to the moment you get your inevitable divorce, you are going to regret it every day of your life.” “Oh.” She poured herself a third glass. “You promised me that you wouldn’t hold that against me.” “I won’t.” “And I will be there for you every single day if you decide to go through with this.” “Thanks.”

“And if you do marry him and you end up deliriously happy you won’t hold this conversation against me.” “I won’t.” There was a knock at the door. Was that Jackson? I swear my heart almost stopped. It was an usher. He wanted to let us know that all the guests were seated. Matt was about to take his place at the front and the string quartet was ready to start the ceremony the moment they got their cue. Beth looked at me and I widened my eyes at her. Beth looked over her shoulder. “Tell them that the bride needs five more minutes. For some last minute primping.” He nodded and shut the door behind him. “Do you think Jackson is here?” my hands were shaking so hard my bouquet was fluttering. “You want me to go check?” I nodded. Neither of us mentioned the fact that I was still obsessing over Jackson when I was supposed to be focusing on marrying his brother. “I will be right back,” she said, as she slipped out of the room. The door opened and the entire room shrunk and the world took on colour again. Jackson slowly shut the door behind him. He stared at me and I

stared back. He was wearing a black suit that faultlessly fit his huge form. He had shaved for the wedding and I realized I had never actually seen him without some form of beard on his face. The effects were stunning. He had the most beautiful jawline I had ever seen and he had cheekbones that were so angular they looked like they could cut glass. He was impossibly handsome and I thought I was going to melt beneath his intense stare. His eyes roamed over me, taking in my hair, my dress, my trembling lips. I realized in that very moment that the only reason I hadn’t called off the wedding was that I had needed to see this man one last time. I was so in love with this man I was heartsick. How could I feel so much for him and he felt nothing back? How was it possible that a love this big, this real, this intense could be so one sided? His jaw tightened. “You look perfect.” I worked my throat, trying to find something to say, but I could only stand there and stare back at him. Moments ticked by. He cleared his throat. “I got my papers. I am being release from the outpatient program and they are sending me for training in a couple weeks. I will probably be gone by the time you and Matt get back from your honeymoon.” I dropped into a crouch and put my face in my

hands. His words felt like knives in my heart. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never get up. “Are you okay?” he was crouched down beside me. “Why are you telling me this?” I looked up at his face. I felt like my heart was breaking into two. “I wasn’t sure if I would have a chance to say good bye to you.” My eyes squeezed shut. I took several big breaths. “I don’t want to say good bye.” “Emily.” A sharp rap on the door and then Beth stuck her head in. “They are about to cue the music.” She glanced at me and Jackson and then backed out and shut the door behind her. “You ready?” his voice was low. My mind was racing. This was such a monumental mistake. He gave me his hand and pulled me to my feet. I looked up at his face and willed him to look at me. I needed to see what he thinking. I wanted to know what he was feeling. One flicker of emotion in his gaze and I would be picking up my skirts and running for the doors. He avoided my gaze and instead offered me his arm. I laid my shaking hand on the solid muscle of his forearm. This man had somehow become my rock. When I let go of him, I would simply be washed away.

We stood at the entrance of the sanctuary. The music changed to Canon in D and then there was a soft rumble as a hundred people stood up and turned to look at me. I could see Matt standing at the front of the church beside the minister. I was shaking so hard, I almost couldn’t walk. I clung to Jackson and slowly we started up the aisle that seemed to be a thousand miles long. We just kept walking and walking and like a bad dream, we never seemed to reach the front. I can do this, I told myself. Just get through this. We got to the front and Jackson held my hand so I could walk up the steps. I got to the second top step and looked back into his face. And then I saw a flicker of something in his expression. He tried to let go of my hand, but my fingers clung to him. He was my life line. My protector. The person I loved. The father of my child. I did not want to let go of him. I felt his grip retighten around my hand. The audience shifted behind us. Whispering started. Matt cleared his throat and then he stepped down towards me and offered me his hand. I looked at it and then looked back at Jackson’s face. Green eyes were watching me. I looked back at Matt and shook my head. Matt whispered. “Sweetheart, come on. Let go of poor Jackson. You are embarrassing him.”

I felt tears prick the back of my eyes. I started to let go of my lifeline, but then Jackson’s hand tighten around mine. Our eyes met again. I swallowed, staring at the man I loved. Unable to look at the man I was supposed to marry. Matt stepped down beside me, his grip tightened like a vice around my other wrist. “Come.” “I can’t marry you Matt.” Matt gave me a beguiling smile, his tone was soothing. “Emily, come on.” I shook my head. Matt’s grip on my wrist tightened and he tugged at me hard. Like he could physically drag me up to that alter. Jackson stepped up so he was standing beside me. “She said no.” Matt stepped up to Jackson’s face and hissed. “What the fuck are you doing?” “She said no,” Jackson repeated, still holding onto my hand. People in the audience were opening talking. The music continued to play. “Is there a problem,” the minister stepped forward and looked between the three of us. “Emily is having some wedding jitters,” Matt said between clenched teeth. “We just need to get her to let go of my fucking brother here and then we will be on our way.”

The minister walked around to my side and spoke quietly, “Are you nervous? Do you need a few minutes?” I looked up at the minster’s kind face. His warm brown eyes were giving me the most sympathetic look imaginable. Matt leaned in and hissed, “Emily, you are embarrassing yourself and me. All of our friends and coworkers are watching.” The minster put his hands up. “Calm, please, let’s remain calm. We want to handle this in a very calm fashion.” “I don’t want to marry you,” I said in a tiny voice. We all watched as Matt walked away. He grabbed the edge of the table and did some deep breathing. He turned and a flower vase was sailing towards my head. Jackson’s arm reached in front of me and deflected the vase. It hit the side of the pulpit spraying water, flowers and glass in every direction. The audience gasped. Matt picked up a silver offering plate and it was sailed towards me like a frisbee, but at the last moment it veered off and hit the minister in the head. The minster looked at me, his eyes wide. He brought his hand up to his forehead and then looked at his hand. There was blood on his fingers. He moaned and kind of staggered off the the side and sat down on the steps. I stood transfixed as

someone from the audience ran up to him. “You are not doing this to me,” Matt announced, pointing his finger me. I stood there staring at him. All I could think was that Jackson was still holding my hand. “You are such a frigid little bitch. No one but me is every going to want to marry you,” he ranted, as he picked up a hymnal and fired it towards me. Jackson reached and deflected that too. My eyes were wide. Jackson’s voice was low. “Matt shut up.” Matt came charging towards us and then he hauled back and punched Jackson in the face. Someone in the audience screamed. Jackson’s head snapped back as Matt’s fist connect with his face but he didn’t react. His hand still held my own. Matt was winding up to hit Jackson again and I just couldn’t take it anymore. It had to stop. “I’m pregnant,” I said out loud. Matt and Jackson looked at me with equally stunned expressions on their face. “I’m pregnant,” I repeated. You could feel the entire audience freeze. Canon in D continued to play softly in the background. No one breathed. Except for Matt who was breathing so hard he was panting. “Well that is impossible since you and I have never slept together.”

No one moved a muscle. “Who’s the father?” he said, his voice was low, full of rage. I swallowed and just stood there. “Who the fuck is the father?” he screamed. They both looked at me. “Jackson.” Green eyes widened. Matt’s mouth dropped open. Then he pointed at me. “Fuck you.” He pointed at Jackson. “And fuck you too. You’re dead to me.” He looked out around the audience and said in a loud voice. “My fiancé is a stupid slut who got herself knocked up with my brother. My alleged brother. Who is just some white trash asshole that my parents brought home one day like a fucking stray dog.” I was frozen to the spot. Matt gave an exaggerated bow and then walked out the side door. Jackson was completely still. He didn’t move. I looked up at him. I felt him drop my hand. “No,” I whispered. His gaze looked my face over, his expression was unreadable. His lip was bleeding. His eyes were blank. He turned and then he was walking down the aisle.

The stunned congregation looked on. The music started winding down and then went completely silent. And then he was gone. 100 pairs of eyes swung back to me. I stood there frozen, in a trance for the longest moment of my life. And then I did the only sane thing that a person can do in that situation. I picked up my skirts and I ran.

Chapter 1 I stood in the lobby and Beth came skidding up beside me. “Are you okay?” Her eyes were as wide as saucers. “I need to get out of here.” “Just let me get our bags,” she said, turning to run towards the back room. “Meet me at the car!” I pushed into the bright sunshine and ran down the steps of the church. I started searching through the parking lot for Beth’s Corolla. A huge black truck pulled up in front of me. Stunned, I looked up to see the passenger door swing open. “Get in,” Jackson ordered. I looked behind me. “Beth is going to drive me.” “Emily,” he ground out. “Get in the fucking truck.” I climbed into the truck. Organza fabric billowed in a cloud around me as I fought it to shut the door. The moment it closed, he was driving. I sat there as quiet as a church mouse while he

ground through the gears of his truck. Had I really just ended my marriage to Matt in front of a church filled with our friends and colleagues by announcing that I was having Jackson’s baby? The whole train of events was so shocking, I could barely wrap my head around it. We pulled into a deserted park that was on the edge of a river bank. He killed the engine. We sat in silence, lost in our own thoughts. Jackson was probably wondering what the fuck just happened. One minute he was giving me away to Matt and the next minute he was being told he was going to be a father. It had been a desperately unfair way to tell him. I should have told him privately. I should have told him as soon as I found out. I looked over at him. He was still wearing his suit but his tie was gone and his white shirt was opened at the collar. He gingerly touched his lip that was split from Matt’s punch. His green eyes were dark and his expression was undecipherable. He glanced at me and something flared in his eyes. I take that back. Jackson was holding back a whole lot of emotions right now. I sunk back in my seat. “You have my baby in your belly and you were going to marry Matt?” He enunciated each word slowly. “I’m sorry,” I said in a tiny voice. He looked out the windshield. We sat there for a long time.

“How long have you known?” his voice sounded flinty. I swallowed. “Since the day I was attacked.” More silence. He looked over at me. “And how were you going to explain the baby to Matt? Or were you just going to pawn my kid off as his?” I threw my hands in the air. “I didn’t get that far.” His look was incredulous. “You didn’t get that far?” My eyes filled with tears. But I had no response. “Did you think that maybe this was something you should’ve shared with me?” I looked at him with indignity. “You told me that you don’t want kids.” “I don’t.” “And you also told me that I should marry Matt.” “You’re pregnant with my kid. If I had known that fact, do you think I’d have encouraged you to marry another man?” He was seething. “I tried to tell you.” “When?” I swallowed convulsively. “In the parkade.” “You should’ve tried harder.” I crossed my arms over my waist and looked

out the window. That night that he had left me in the parkade, I had felt so utterly rejected. He had been adamant that he didn’t want a family or any kind of commitment, making it impossible to even conceive telling him the truth. “Well now you know.” “Really Emily? That is what I get from you? Now I know?” his arctic tone could have sliced steel. I stole a glance at him and was immediately sorry I did. His neck was corded and his nostrils were flared. But his eyes, they were cold green slits. It was more instinct than anything, but suddenly I was scrambling to climb out of the truck. First I had to paw through yards of filmy white fabric before I managed to find the door handle. And then I was flinging myself out of the vehicle. It was stupid really. Who actually thinks they can outrun a navy SEAL? Especially when they outweigh you by about 110 pounds and you’re encased in a wedding dress that is so tight you can barely move your rib cage. Nonetheless, I tried. I got about 15 feet and let out a terrified squeak as his arm wrapped around my waist and he spun me around. “Why do you always do that?” he yelled in my face. “What?”

“Run. You are always fucking running away in the middle of important conversations.” “What do you want me to tell you?” I yelled back at him. “The truth.” “You want the truth?” my voice was shrill. “You made it abundantly clear that we have no future.” “What else?” I stood there unable to speak. It didn’t help that my bladder was getting precariously full. “Come on, Emily. Here is your chance to finally be real.” “I was scared to tell you.” “You didn’t think I had the right to know?” “I didn’t want to ruin your life or have you think I was trying to trap you.” “Did you get pregnant on purpose?” “It was my first time,” I sputtered with indignation. “I don’t know why we didn’t use birth control. I didn’t even know we were going to do that.” He rocked back on his heels. “It wasn’t my first time.” “Well, that was totally obvious.” “Do you think when I knocked on your bedroom door I had an inkling of what I was going to do to you?” I felt my mouth go dry. “I don’t know.”

“Maybe since I was the more experienced one, I should have thought of the birth control?” “I honestly don’t know.” “I’m not mad that you’re pregnant, Emily, but I’m extremely irritated that you didn’t think you could tell me.” “How was I supposed to know I could tell you?” “Excuse me?” “You told me you didn’t want a future with me and everything that was happening around me was going to shit. And you told me you didn’t want kids.” “What’s your point?” “I was freaking out. Why did I have to be the one to tell you something you didn’t want to hear? Why was I supposed to force you to talk to me? You couldn’t get away from me fast enough that night in the parkade.” He went still while his eyes looked behind me. “You’re right.” I stood there stunned. I wasn’t used to winning arguments. Much less being told that I was right. “I am?” “Yes, you are.” “I know I should have told you. I was just scared.” His eyes locked with mine. “What were you scared of?”

“That first night after I was attacked, I was scared if I told you, you would be so mad you would leave the loft and I was too scared to stay there by myself.” His jaw clenched. “And then you went to Virginia and I was in this weird fake engagement with Matt and you were the only person in my life who knew the truth. I was afraid that if I told you, you would leave.” He pulled at his collar. “I did leave you. I left you in that fucking mess that you had to deal with by yourself.” He swore and walked away from me for a few moments. His hands were on his hips and he was looking upward. When he turned back to me, his face was contrite. “I’ve been a complete dick and I’m sorry. I should’ve been there for you.” My mouth dropped open. This man deserved an award for the number of times he had been there for me. He had been my rock. You couldn’t ask someone to be there more. “This wasn’t your mess in the first place. I didn’t expect you to be there for me.” “It was the sex.” I felt all the blood drain from my face. Didn’t men usually stick around because of the sex? And yet he was telling me he left because of the sex?

Had I been that bad at it? I felt compelled to apologize. “Sorry.” “For what?” Now my face was burning hot. “Nothing.” “What are you apologizing for?” Was he really going to make me say it? My silence was stubborn but had no impact on this trained SEAL who stood there with that look on his face that said he would stand there all day and night until I told him exactly what I was apologizing for. “You said you left because of the sex.” Understanding dawned on his expression. “You think I left because the sex wasn’t good?” I looked around the park. I was reaching the point of no return on the issue of needing to empty my bladder. And in this dress that was no joking matter. “I need to leave,” I said. He blinked. “Right now?” “I have to go to the bathroom.” He kind of looked around, like it was an option for someone in 20 pounds of lace and satin to squat behind a bush. “Okay.”

Chapter 2 We started to drive. Every time someone slowed in front of us, I fretted. Every time we stopped at a set of lights, I thought I was going to die. “Please get me home,” I said in complete misery. He looked over at me. “Why don’t we stop somewhere?” There was no way that I’d be able to negotiate a public bathroom stall by myself. It was logistically impossible. “My dress is too big. I don’t have my bridesmaid here.” Car horns blared as he did a California lane change, drove over a meridian and pulled a dramatic U-turn to park in a no park zone in front of a small Italian bistro. “I’ll help you.” My eyes were wide in horror. “Jackson, no.” “Come on, let’s go.” This man was fearless. If I wasn’t so scared that I was going to pee myself, I would have refused. He grabbed my hand as we walked into the bistro. The place was bustling with the Saturday

brunch crowd and we stopped everyone in their tracks with our entrance. Jackson towered with a broken lip and a scowl on his face, tugging behind him the young runaway bride with a desperate look on her face. Blasting past the startled hostess, he weaved through the tables. At the back, he pushed open a door and shoved me into the small bathroom before locking the door behind him. I decided I would rather pee on my dress than have this man help me with my skirt. “So, do we take this off first or what?” he was matter of fact, as he studied my dress. “I don’t have my button hook.” “What’s a button hook?” “I need it to take off my dress.” “So, you want me to hold your skirts while you sit down?” I shook my head, my shame complete. “Turn around,” he said. I felt him start to lift, layers and layers of organza. “Jesus. Are you actually underneath all of this?” “Jackson,” I wailed. He was standing behind me, and had my entire skirt pulled up above my waist. “Your modesty is safe with me. I can’t see past all of this fluff.” We shuffled over to the toilet where I managed to sit down. And I sat. We both waited.

I thought my bladder was going to burst but still I could not pee. “I thought you said you had to go.” “I can’t do it with you here.” We waited some more. He started to talk. “The training exercise I hated the most was the box.” “What is the box?” “They lock you in a wooden box that is so small you can only kneel with your head bent. Your hands are cuffed behind your back and you’re blindfolded. It is disgustingly hot. The soundtrack that they play at full volume is death rock, dogs barking or my personal favourite, babies crying. The first time I did the box I was in there for 20 hours without relief. I pissed myself at least six times.” I started to pee. “Who are these people? Why would they do that to you?” “It trains us to mentally withstand the pressure of captivity.” “And you really peed yourself?” “My friend, Chris, did worse things to himself in his box.” I started to laugh. “This story isn’t true. You’re just trying to make me feel better.” “It’s totally true. But if you ever tell Chris I told you that, he’ll kill me.”

His story impacted me on so many levels. Jackson always knew what to say to make me feel better. It gave me a glimpse of how truly bad his job must be and it intrigued me that he had a friend. I only knew Jackson in my world. I couldn’t imagine him in his. “Feel better?” I nodded. He watched me while I washed my hands. My complexion looked translucent. My hair was artfully pinned up. I looked impossibly young. Behind me loomed Jackson’s massive frame. I drank in his black suit, messy hair and cut lip. We were so mismatched in appearances it wasn’t even funny. “I left because it was so good I couldn’t resist.” He opened the door and grabbed my hand. We started walking through the restaurant and we were halfway through the place when I realized that he was talking about the sex we had. I stumbled and his hand tightened on mine. He looked back at me, amused. “Just got that?” *** Back in the truck, I looked over at this man who completely mesmerized me on so many levels, I didn’t even know which way was up. He didn’t ask to come up to the loft. He just parked the truck, got out and led me up the stairs. Chloe almost lost her mind when she saw Jackson. She literally leapt into his arms. I watched her

entire body tremble while she whined and licked his face. Despite the fact that he was wearing a suit, he laughed and cuddled her close to his chest. I found my bag, my keys, the button hook and my phone on the island along with a note from Beth, “Hope you’re okay. Text me when you get home.” I looked around the loft. Matt was no where in sight. “Can you help me get out of this dress?” Without looking back to see if he was following me, I swished up the stairs to my bedroom. He appeared behind me and without speaking, he took the buttonhook from my hand and opened all the buttons until the heavy material was sliding off my body. “Oh, thank God,” I breathed, stepping over the pool of white that piled at my feet. “That feels so good.” I turned and looked over my shoulder. Jackson’s eyes were raking down my body. I blushed when I realized that I was standing there in only a white lace bustier and matching panties. The hunger in his expression was clear. “Jackson,” I started. He turned to walk out of my bedroom. “Come downstairs when you are changed. We need to talk.” I changed into soft, stretchy clothes and pulled

all the pins out of my hair. I washed my face and then sat down on my bed. I just needed to mentally catch my breath. Jackson’s reaction to everything was so different than what I had imagined. I wasn’t sure why I had been afraid to tell him in the first place. Not that it changed anything. He openly admitted, after hearing the news, that he didn’t want kids. So, I would be raising this child alone, but at least I was doing so with honesty. I had come so close to marrying Matt. Beth had been right. It would have been a colossal mistake to not only marry Matt but to start our marriage with such a big secret between us. I sighed into my hands. Since Matt’s accident, I felt like I had been some actor in a really dramatic show. I had only been a supporting character in my own life and I hadn’t been honest with anyone, including myself. Today’s scene at the wedding had been extremely humiliating, but at least my secrets were out in the open. I had nothing to hide anymore. Now I could start actually planning my future. *** I woke up curled on the end of my bed, on top of the covers. Someone had come in and covered me with a fuzzy throw. My mouth was parched and I was ravenous. I sat up and looked at the clock. I had slept the entire day away and it was just after

eight in the evening. I sighed. Jackson was probably long gone and who knows where Matt was. I wandered downstairs and chugged a glass of water. At the island I scrolled through my phone. 47 texts and counting. Nothing like a little drama to heat up your social life. Beth said that Matt and Julie were both blowing up her phone. She had lost her earring but then found it. Did I want to go for coffee tomorrow? Matt wrote me a series of texts that had so many expletives, it was safe to say that he was still in the venting stage of things. And Julie sent me a text that simple said, “You betraying bitch.” “You hungry?” a voice said from behind me. I screamed and spun around. Jackson wore a mild expression. I held my hand to my beating heart. “Do they train you to sneak up on people?” “Yes.” “Figures.” “Did you have a good sleep?” “You should’ve woken me.” “You needed the sleep.” “What did you do?” “Worked out. Made some calls. Talked to Matt.” My mouth dropped open. “He called you?” Jackson dug through the fridge. “Want a

sandwich?” “Did Matt call you?” “He was here.” My mouth dropped open. “Really?” “I’m surprised we didn’t wake you.” What happened?” “We had words.” “What kind of words?” “He wanted to talk to you.” I pondered that statement for a moment. I could just imagine Matt coming charging in here, all fired up and Jackson stopping him from coming near me. “You could’ve woke me. I owe him an explanation.” “He needs to dial it down a notch before he talks to you.” “He was upset?” “Yup.” “At me?” “At us.” I sat and watched as he started making my sandwich. “I think he gets a pass on being upset.” He shrugged. “Matt is entitled to his feelings. He’s no longer allowed to take those feelings out on you.” And that is exactly why I found this situation so complicated. I’m totally bad at standing up for myself. People tend to just steamroll me. And I let

them. I don’t like it, but I have trouble managing that. It was intoxicating when Jackson planted himself between me and everything bad in this world. He naturally protects. That is who he is. But somehow my heart translates that into he is protecting me because he cares about me. Which I’m pretty sure is the figment part of my imagination. He slid my sandwich in front of me, along with raw cut veggies. “You’re not eating?” I picked up the sandwich. “Already ate.” He leaned against the counter in his famous pose of crossed legs and arms folded across his chest. Relaxed yet closed off. Which was the epitome of Jackson. Easy going, yet unobtainable on so many levels. His voice was calm. “What do you want to do?” “About what?” “You’re having my baby. We should talk.”

Chapter 3 I wasn’t sure what we were going to talk about since he was going to go back to his life and I just blew up mine. I looked around the loft. “I was thinking I would sell this place and move back to my granny’s place.” “I live in Virginia.” “I know.” His eyes narrowed and he cocked his head. “You think we’re going to live in different states?” It seemed like a trick question so my answer was hesitant. “Yes?” “Do you think I’m not going to man up?” Another trick question. I chose my words carefully. “You don’t want commitment or a baby.” “No, I don’t, but I take responsibility for my actions.” What did that even mean? “Okay,” I said carefully. “You’re okay with that?” “Of course,” I said automatically. Except I had no idea what I was agreeing to. “So, when do you want to get married?” First my entire body washed cold. Then I was

burning so hot, I was certain I was having some sort of pregnancy hot flash. “Married?” His focus on me was intense. “What did you think I was talking about?” “Not that.” “I’m getting the feeling we aren’t on the same page.” “I’m not even sure I’m reading the same book.” His smile was so flawless, it took my breath away. “The book is called, ‘I knocked you up and now we get hitched.’” “But you just told me you don’t want commitment or kids.” “You seem a bit stuck on that fact.” I squinted at the lights above the island for a long moment. “So you don’t want to get married. You don’t want to become a dad. But you think it is the right thing to do.” “It is.” “But that is a terrible reason to get married.” “Well, it’s the only one we got.” I turned and studied him. He was a tough minded solider who had resigned himself to the fact that he was heading for the box. He would be on his knees, tied up and forced to listen to the soundtrack of a baby crying. He wouldn’t complain about it. He wouldn’t even allow himself to have feelings about it. In his mind, he was taking responsibility for his actions. He knew how to man

up better than anyone else and he would never let me know what it was costing him to do the right thing. He would be an incredible father. He would be resolute in his duties. He would help me parent this child. I wouldn’t be on my own. I’d be safe. The temptation to give into this was so great, my hands clenched in my lap. It’d be so easy to look the other way and to ignore the immense personal cost he would pay. “No,” I blurted out. “We can’t.” His green gaze studied me without expression. “You want to tell me why?” “I just think it’s a bad idea.” “What part?” “All of it.” “Be specific.” Do not engage. Do not engage. My mind bleated panicked instructions at my mouth. His tone told me I was treading on dangerous territory here. I stared up at him. “Marriage is supposed to be two people coming together because they want to be together. Because they love each other.” “Is that why you were planning on marrying Matt this morning? Because you loved him so much you couldn’t be without him?” “No that is why I didn’t marry him.” He stepped forward and leaned on the island

with both hands, towering over me. “What exactly did you think would happen when you told me that you’re pregnant?” “Not this.” “Tell me.” I swallowed. “I thought that you’d just go back to your life and I would get on with mine.” “You thought wrong.” I slid off my chair. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” “You’re not running away from this conversation.” “I need to think.” “You can think about this all you want, but it’s going to happen.” “It’s going to happen?” I repeated in disbelief. “That’s what I just said.” I shook my head. His gaze narrowed. “You were going to marry Matt and let him think this was his baby.” My mouth dropped open. It was a shameful statement but it was true. Somehow in my mind I had convinced myself that this small white lie wouldn’t really hurt anyone in the long run. “But I didn’t.” “You no longer had feelings for him but it didn’t matter that there was no love between you because you needed a daddy.” My mind was racing. Somehow I was losing

this argument. “At least Matt wants to be a father.” “I’m pretty sure if you had asked him, he would have told you that he wants to father his own kids. Not mine.” I could feel myself start to sweat. “I don’t want to trap you into this.” “But you were essentially okay with trapping Matt.” I glanced towards the door. “Emily, don’t even think about running away from this conversation because I’m not in the mood.” “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” He crossed his arms. “Why are you fighting me on this?” I stared up at this big glorious man who made my heart want to beat out of my chest. I loved him. And I wanted to set him free. I didn’t want to use his sense of moral obligation to trap him into a life that I knew he didn’t want. No matter how badly I wanted that life for myself. Couldn’t he see that I was trying to be the bigger person in this situation? “Trust me on this, okay?” I avoided his gaze. “Just tell me why.” “It won’t work.” “I’ll make it work.” My breath hitched in my chest. And that was the kicker. Jackson would make it work. He was a

navy SEAL and his entire existence was based on sacrifice and endurance. In fact, he’d be so good at making it work, he’d probably pull off the impression that he wanted it. The thought terrified me. Jackson had always represented the truth to me. The idea of him pretending anything with me made me feel sick. I took a deep breath. “I would like to postpone this conversation.” “Until when?” “Until I have had a chance to think about it.” His face was expressionless, but he gave me a short nod. I let out a pent up breath. I grabbed my keys and my phone. I was going for a drive. I needed to get out of here. He watched me but he didn’t try and stop me. I was halfway to the door when it slid open. There stood a very disheveled Matt. His hair was sticking up in all directions. If I wasn’t mistaken, it looked like he had been crying. He stood and stared back at me. “Emily, can we talk?” I glanced over my shoulder at Jackson who was now leaning on the island. He had a relaxed pose but that wasn’t fooling me. His gaze was intent and watchful. With a heavy heart, I nodded at Matt. “Come in. Do you want something to drink?”

He shook his head. I looked around the open loft. “Let’s go onto the patio.” We stepped outside. As I slid the patio doors shut I glanced inside. Jackson was watching with his arms crossed and a not so pleased expression on his face. I sat down across from Matt. We both looked at each other. “Can I speak first?” I asked. He nodded. “I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry. On so many levels. I should have told you sooner.” “I knew something was bothering you. I knew you were having doubts about it all, but I chose to ignore that.” “So much happened before your accident. It was hard to get on the same page when you couldn’t remember.” I heard the roar of a truck start below. Jackson had walked out and was taking off. I won’t lie. The sound made my heart quiver in pain. Which is crazy since I had just been arguing with him that I didn’t want him around. I refocused on Matt. “I’m starting to remember,” he confessed. My mouth dropped open. “What?” He looked ashamed. “Not full memories, they’re more like fragments of nightmares that come to the surface. But the stuff that I’m

remembering isn’t good.” “Matt, you were sick. A lot of that stuff you did was because of your tumour.” “I can’t even imagine how much I hurt you.” I sighed and leaned back on the patio couch. “It was such a mess, Matt. I don’t even really know half of the stuff you were up to because you were gone all the time. I was too much of a coward to address anything with you.” “What happened with you and Jackson?” “The more you were gone, the more I tried to just pretend that nothing was wrong. And Jackson was here. Helping me. Fixing my car. Eating dinner with me. Cleaning up my messes. You would lash out and he would get protective.” He didn’t look pleased. “That sounds like Jackson.” I looked at my hands. “We kissed a few times and that’s completely inexcusable.” “But in light of what I was doing, it was pretty mild.” “It felt like my entire world was sliding out from underneath my feet. And Jackson was there, holding it all together. But I fought that attraction. And I think he did too.” “Nothing happened until I told you I was having an affair with Julie and I dumped you after screaming vile things at you.” I gasped. “You remember that?”

“Bits and pieces. Jackson filled in some of the blanks this afternoon.” “It was my birthday. It was my first time. And it was the night you had your car accident.” He looked shocked. “Oh wow.” “When you woke up, it was like you had traveled back in time. You were the old Matt. The one I had gotten engaged to.” “Jesus, Emily.” “We weren’t supposed to talk to you about things that would upset you.” I looked down at my hands. “It just became too easy to pretend that everything was okay.” Silence descended between us. He cleared his throat. “Would you have told me that the baby was mine?” I took a big breath. “Yes. That was my messed up plan. But I got to the front of the church and I just couldn’t go through with it.” “Em, how bad did I hurt you?” I gave him a sad smile. “Not nearly as bad as I hurt myself in all of this.” “I wish you felt you could have told me about everything. I’d like to think that after an initial meltdown, I would have come through for you.” “What do you mean?” “I mean, I love you, so it would be easy to love your child.” It was too much. I dropped my face in my

hands and I started to cry. Why couldn’t I love Matt like I loved Jackson? Matt was right for me in a hundred different ways. “Thank you for saying that.” “I mean it. I know that things between us aren’t like they used to be but you are still the woman I want to marry. And if you change your mind about it all, I would take you back in a heartbeat.” I lifted my face and stared at him in shock. “What?” “I don’t know what Jackson and you have planned but I meant what I said. I would raise and love your child as my own.” “You would?” “You’ve been here for me every step of the way.” I bowed my head, my tears shook my entire body. Matt wrapped his arms around me and held me. It was familiar and reminded me of everything we had lost. “I’m so sorry,” I said into his shirt. “It’s going to be okay, Em. I promise.” *** Matt left shortly after that. I dropped the keys back on the island. All the fight had gone out of me. Jackson was right. Running away wasn’t an option. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. I locked up the loft, climbed into bed and went to

sleep.

Chapter 4 “So, let me get this straight. Jackson doesn’t love you nor does he want a child but he is insisting you two get married,” Beth ticked one finger on her hand. “Correct.” “And Matt came crawling back and revealed that he actually is starting to remember his asshole ways. And not only does he forgive you for sleeping with Jackson and getting pregnant and then leaving him at the front of the alter, he still wants to marry you and raise Jackson’s baby as his own.” “Yes.” “Well that is incredibly un-Matt-like of him.” I chewed on my lip. “I thought it was kind of sweet.” “I think it’s creepy.” “At least he wants to have kids.” “You have to marry Jackson.” “Beth!” “He’s the father of this baby and he wants to marry you.” “Jackson doesn’t want to marry me. He’s doing

this because of some weird sense of honour.” “So?” “So, that isn’t exactly grounds for a happy life.” “This is Jackson. That guy could make any woman happy.” I snorted with laughter. “That’s not the issue.” “What is?” “The issue is that he has been clear from day one that he doesn’t want kids nor does he want commitment.” “Well maybe he should have used a glove before the love.” “Beth,” I blushed. “He knocked you up. He implanted a tiny human being inside of you and now you get to live with those consequences for the rest of your life. Why should you be the only one handling the fall out of that?” “Now you sound like him.” She stared at me in disbelief. “You are completely in love with this guy. You literally light up a room when he walks in. I have no idea why you’re fighting this.” “Because I don’t want to be the person in the marriage that loves that person who is only there because they feel obligated.” She thought about that. “Yeah. That would suck.” “Right? I mean, he would be stand up about it

and take his lumps, but every single day I would wake up and know that he’s probably wishing he wasn’t there.” “Are you sure about this? Are you sure that you want to do this on your own?” “I’m totally shitting my pants here on this whole single mom thing, and nothing tempts me more than to have Jackson come in and save me, but there’s no happy ending here.” She gave me a sad look and rubbed my hand. “So, are you just going to tell him no?” “I tried.” “What does that mean?” “I mean he didn’t accept my answer. He was adamant that we’re getting married.” “Well, that’s an interesting approach.” I leaned forward. “Beth. You know me. I have no boundaries. I’m a marshmallow that people just step all over. What chance do you think I have going up against a determined navy SEAL.” She gave an amused smile. “The more you tell me about this guy, the more I like him.” “Beth. I’m serious.” “I am too. He’s totally hot. He’s got his shit together. He’ll take care of you. And he wants to marry you. For better or for worse. You should give him a chance.” “So the Jackson camp can definitely count on your vote than,” I said dryly.

“Hey, anyone who isn’t Matt has my vote.” *** I came home from coffee with Beth feeling more confused than ever. Part of me was wondering why I was even fighting Jackson on this, but another part of me, the part that really loved him, knew why. I wanted him to be happy. Was that such a bad thing? Weren’t you supposed to make sacrifices for those that you loved? Jackson: You around? Me: Yes Jackson: Are you ready to continue our conversation? Heart in throat and sweating hands I typed out my reply. Me: Okay I heard a car door slam and then feet were coming up the stairs two at a time. Oh wow. Two sharp knocks and then the door was sliding open. He filled the doorway. He stood there for a long moment, looking back at me. “Hi,” I said, crossing and uncrossing my arms across my waist. I hated it when in a fit of nerves, I actually forgot what to do with my arms. I might as well wave a sign over my head shouting that I was nervous. “You want to take Chloe for a walk?” he asked. *** We walked in silence almost the entire way

down to the river. Chloe was deliriously happy. She ran tirelessly back and forth retrieving the ball that Jackson threw for her. Finally he spoke. “How are you doing?” “I’m okay.” His eyes dropped to my waist. “How are you feeling?” “Normal. I get tired. And I have to pee about every ten minutes but other than that, I don’t feel pregnant.” “How did your talk with Matt go?” “He’s starting to remember.” “He mentioned that.” I decided to not mention that Matt had also offered to still marry me. I looked up at his face, “Do you think you and Matt will ever be friends again?” He picked up the ball that Chloe dropped at his feet and fired it with power up the road. “Doubtful.” My heart ached for him. This situation had broken something in Jackson’s life too. How much sacrifice did this man have to make on my behalf? I had been so determined to keep him around, I never once stopped and asked what it would cost him. “How much do you regret coming here?” “I don’t believe in regret.” We walked in more silence. Both of us lost in

our own thoughts. Did this man have any idea how much he meant to me? He had never missed a step in taking care of me, protecting me, looking out for me. His question broke my train of thoughts. “Why don’t you want to get married? Be real with me.” I stopped walking and looked up at him. Just the sight of him made my heart sigh. “Because I’m in love with you and you don’t love me.” His head jerked back like I had slapped him. He winced slightly. Yup. How is that for getting real? “Emily.” “Jackson, when you left because you thought it was for the best, it crushed me. I felt such a sense of loss it was stupid. Marrying you when I know that you don’t have feelings for me, is emotional suicide.” The words blurted out of me. This was the truth. I hadn’t even been able to admit that to myself but I was absolutely terrified of further entangling myself up with this man. Yes, he would be able to make it work, but one day he might decide he didn’t want to make it work anymore. And I would not survive that. “You don’t trust me.” “I have never trusted anyone more in my life.” “But you think I’ll hurt you.”

“Not intentionally. I think your intentions are extremely honourable.” He picked up the ball for Chloe and fired it so hard it disappeared into a groove of trees. She took off after the ball but once she was at the trees, she looked back at him in bafflement. He turned on me. “I’m offering to marry you. I’ll take that commitment seriously.” “I know you would. But your commitment is out of a sense of obligation, not love.” Chloe was barking at the trees. “What is the difference?” I could hear the frustration in his voice. I turned my face up to this man and in him I saw the little boy who had faced such a tough world growing up. Someone who didn’t know the difference between obligation and love had never really been loved. It made my heart ache. Chloe sat down in front of the trees, threw her head back and howled. Jackson gave me a hard-toread look before he started jogging towards Chloe. I heard him talking to her. The two of them disappeared into the dense patch of foliage. It struck me that the man would be an incredible father. He was patient and protective. Intelligent and kind. My heart was flopping around like a fish on dry land. Gasping last desperate breaths. Did I really have the right to keep this man from raising his child?

A ball came sailing out from the bushes and then Chloe came crashing after it. With ears bent backwards and a happy smile on her face, she ran full throttle towards her ball. If we got married, he would become the centre of our child’s universe. An innocent child who only knew how to openly love with a full heart. And if it didn’t work out? If something went sideways? If, for some reason, he decided to leave us? That child would feel the impact of that for the rest of his or her life. Jackson jogged back to me. He continued to pick up the ball and fire it for Chloe, but he never once looked at me. He was avoiding my gaze. Some part of him had just shut down. He had retreated so far back behind his walls, I could no longer feel him. “Want to head back?” he said lightly. He was so good at pretending. I felt tears prick behind my eyes. “Sure.”

Chapter 5 Walking back to the loft, I got a text from Matt. Matt: Do you have plans tonight? I frowned at my phone. I glanced over at Jackson, who was trying to wrestle a stick out of Chloe’s mouth. Chloe was in heaven. I realized that the only person I actually wanted to spend time with was Jackson. “Do you want to stay for dinner?” my voice was casual. A minuscule twitch touched his eye. “Sorry, I have plans tonight.” I knew he was lying. He followed that with an easy smile. I smiled back and we continued to walk. “Have a good night,” he said when he got to his truck. The guy could not get away from us fast enough. “You too.” I stood and watched as he gunned his truck backwards. Well, I had just found the one thing that scared our SEAL. Telling him you love him literally sent him running in the opposite direction. ***

I made my way back up to the loft and texted Matt back. Me: Just having a quiet night. Talk tomorrow? Matt: For sure. Chloe curled up to me on the couch and lay her chin on my knee when I started to cry. This was such a colossal mess. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Why was this so difficult? I felt like I was in a small sailboat in the middle of wild seas. Disoriented. Alone. Scared. The only thing I was certain about was this this was all going to end very badly. I was so stupid. Jackson was the only person who had been willing to get into that boat with me and he had offered to help me. And instead of being eternally grateful, I questioned his reasons and scared him off so bad, he basically jumped ship and swam away. I had no idea what my problem was. I wished for about the thousandth time that my granny was here to counsel me. I missed her mischievous blue eyes that sparkled so bright. What would she tell me to do? She would have loved Jackson. I wasn’t so certain that she would have been as enamoured with Matt, but Jackson would have scored high in her books. I heard a car pull up and then there was footsteps coming upstairs. I dashed into the

bathroom to wash my tearstained face. “Emily?” Matt bellowed. “Matt?” I stuck my head out the door. “What are you doing here?” He was carrying some grocery bags. “Don’t say no. I was at the deli and I couldn’t stand the thought of you sitting here all by yourself. So, I thought I would cook you dinner.” “Matt,” I said weakly. All I wanted was some peanut butter toast and my bed. “Don’t say no,” he gave me a pleading look. “You were there for me every single day through thick and thin. Let me cook for you. I don’t even have to eat with you. Just let me do something nice for you.” I rubbed my eye. “I can’t promise I’ll be good company.” “Come on, Em. It’s me. Just me. If anyone knows how to hang, it’s us.” *** I sat at the island and watched as Matt cooked. He didn’t cook often but when he did, he knew what he was doing. Tonight he was making my favourite dish, sweet and sour chicken on brown rice noodles with an apricot ricotta salad on fresh greens. I tried to remember the last time he had cooked this particular dish for me, but it had been months. He kept the conversation light. Talked about

how he was going to go back to work soon. How his firm had been so good to him throughout his accident. Next week he was starting to work out with a personal trainer. His phone rang. “Hey mom….no. I’m just at the loft. Cooking dinner for Emily.” She talked at length. Then he put the phone over the receiver. “Do you mind if we have one more? My mom is feeling kind of low.” My mouth parted. So much for him cooking and leaving me to eat in peace. The last person I wanted to see right now was Irene. I had humiliated her son in public. The fallout promised to be tense. “Are you sure she wants to see me?” I whispered. Matt frowned in confusion. “Yeah, why not?” Apparently, I still didn’t have the bead on how this family functioned. “Okay.” “Come on over mom, we’d love to have you.” *** Irene took a cab over and gave me a warm kiss on both cheeks. She had brought a bottle of wine for her and Matt. “How are you feeling?” she asked warmly. I felt tense from anticipating the worst. “Uh, okay.”

“Oh,” she touched her chest. “When I was pregnant with Matt, I was sicker than a dog for the first 6 months. Couldn’t keep anything down. The only thing I could manage was rhubarb.” This was definitely not how I had envisioned this conversation going. “Oh, wow.” “My mother came up with at least a dozen different recipes. Rhubarb soup. Rhubarb juice. Rhubarb pie.” She gave me another warm smile. “Do you still like rhubarb?” She peeled with laughter. “That is hilarious. Yes. I do. I still love rhubarb.” Matt set the table for three and then ushered us to sit down. It was almost surreal how normal these two were acting. It was like they both hadn’t got the memo that I had left Matt at the alter because I had gotten pregnant with Jackson. Irene talked at length about her garden. How she was looking forward to going to Turks and Caicos with her friend and she was thinking of getting a dog when she got back. We finished eating and suddenly the conversation turned. Irene carefully set down her wine glass and looked at me. “So, Emily. Have you given any thought to your next steps?” The question caught me off guard. “I haven’t come up with a definitive plan.”

She rubbed her chin thoughtfully while she looked at me. “Raising a child alone is a big responsibility.” “Yes.” “Mom, we agreed to give her some time.” I glanced between then two of them. “Give me time?” Matt gave me a benevolent smile. “I meant what I said yesterday. About still wanting to marry you.” “Oh. I wasn’t sure.” Irene leaned forward. “I imagine that Jackson has been very honourable in offering to marry you and make an honest woman out of you.” I swallowed but refused to answer. “I know that Jackson has the best of intentions but I worry about you marrying someone like him. You two are very different. And just with his dangerous job and being gone for so many months of the year.” I felt disloyal discussing Jackson while he wasn’t here. “We haven’t made any decisions about our future yet.” “Yes,” she smiled. “I’m sure you will make the right decision.” “Thank you.” She looked at Matt. “Jackson was always so popular with the girls. In high school do you remember how many girls would phone or just

randomly show up at our house.” Matt laughed. “Dozens.” “As a mother, I had to enforce the no bedroom, no closed door rule. He always had a wild side and matters didn’t improve when he joined the navy. With all the booze and his buddies to egg him on.” She shrugged and looked at Matt. “Who would have imagined that he would settle down before you, Matt?” I felt like I had shown up to a gun fight with a wet napkin. I had no defence against this woman. She was hitting every scared nerve in my body. She was painting a picture of Jackson that I hadn’t yet seen but I could easily imagine. An incredibly hot navy SEAL with his big muscles and his navy friends and a long line of women willing to jump in his bed. I remembered him turning on his charms towards Julie that night at my party. He had stood so close to her and made her feel like she was the only one in the room. Hot jealousy and incredible insecurity knifed through me. The man could get anyone he wanted. He was beautiful, had an incredible body and a job that men coveted and women swooned over. He even vocalized that he didn’t want a baby or commitment. And his reward was getting stuck with me? How long would our marriage last? How long would he be able to sit in the box before he needed

to break free? It wasn’t a question of if he would leave, it was more a question of when. I could write the book on how to play it safe in life. Jackson made his living running towards the most dangerous things in this world. Throw a crying baby into the mix and he would be clawing at the walls of our marriage within a year. Chloe whined and gave a sharp bark. Footsteps, taking two stairs at a time. I heard the door slide open. I did not turn around and instead watched Matt and Irene freeze in their tracks. Irene recovered first, by touching her throat. “Hi Jackson.”

Chapter 6 I turned around and looked at Jackson. He was standing at the door. With a deceptively casual stance, he was taking in all of this cozy scene - the dinner, the wine, the three of us. His green glance skimmed over my face without expression, yet somehow he still managed to make me feel like my only ally had just busted me dining with the enemy. I bristled with indignation. I had invited him first to stay for dinner, and he was the one who lied and drove off like his hair was on fire. It wasn’t my fault Matt and Irene had shown up for dinner unannounced. Without speaking to him, I turned around in my seat, giving him my back. His issue, not mine. “Come in,” Irene invited him into my kitchen. “We just finished dinner.” Matt had stood up and started to clear the table. “Do you want some food? We have lots of leftovers.” Jackson appeared by my side and put his hand on the back of my chair which was an unusually possessive move from him. I glanced up at his face, trying to read his expression.

“My plans got cancelled,” he spoke down to only me. “I’m glad,” I said faintly. “Are you hungry?” He held my gaze for a fraction of a second longer than necessary. “I’m good.” “You want a beer?” Matt asked. “Sure,” Jackson said. He pulled a chair around the table and sat next to me. There were four sides to the table, but it felt like a statement that he would sit on my side with me. Irene and Matt didn’t skip a beat. They kept up their witty repertoire while Matt cleaned the kitchen, laughing and joking about various things with Jackson. When Matt and Irene wanted to be inclusive, they definitely knew how to make someone feel welcome. Beside me, Jackson was relaxed and seemingly at ease. He sipped his beer, participated in the conversation, and occasionally teased me. So why was I so anxious? I felt so uptight I could barely speak. The conversation turned to Jackson. “So, you must be almost ready to head back to Virginia,” Irene said. “Got my papers. I head back Friday.” I could feel my entire body stiffen, I turned my gaze down onto the table, trying desperately to hide my despair over that fact. Matt crossed his arms. “So, what exactly does that mean? Do you get sent out to fight right

away?” “Nah, we probably will spend at least two months in training before we get deployed.” “How long are you deployed for?” “We train or are deployed anywhere from eight to ten months.” Irene shook her head. “I was a wife of a cop for 29 years and I never got used to my husband going out every day to serve and protect. But to have your husband leave for weeks or months at a time. I can’t imagine.” “Do you still live on the base?” Matt interjected. “Always have, probably always will.” “Oh that is unfortunate,” Irene said. Matt changed the subject. “Hey, Emily, do you remember Donny? He is one of the senior partners at my firm.” I nodded. “He just bought a house in the Hamptons. You should see this place. It has the most stunning view of the water. His kids are learning to surf and now he’s even talking about getting a boat. He invited me down for a weekend this summer.” Irene’s eyes were shining. “Oh, I love the Hamptons.” This conversation was wrong on so many levels. I had no idea how the four of us could chat about homes in the Hamptons when there was a

huge elephant in the room. It was bizarre on so many levels, but pretending was what Matt and Irene were best at. No one wanted to acknowledge that I was pregnant with Jackson’s baby, or the fact that only a few days ago I had left Matt at the alter. “What kind of housing do they provide on the base?” I turned and looked up at Jackson. Green eyes held my gaze. “For the unmarried, there are apartments. Some are shared and some are single occupancy.” “What about people who have families?” “Married service men or women can rent houses.” “With backyards?” His smile was faint. “They all have backyards.” “I had a backyard when I was a kid.” Irene interjected. “So, I hear that the military base is like its own tiny little town.” “It’s self contained. There’s a larger civilian city outside of the base, but most of the staff live on the base itself.” “Well that would be quite a shift from New York. It must be very quaint,” Irene added, making it sound like a dirty word. Matt frowned. “Can you buy your house on the base?” “All housing is owned by the military. We just rent.”

“Wow, those military wives deserve a medal.” “Behind every strong soldier, there is an even stronger woman,” Jackson said with quiet resolution. Matt smirked in amusement. “Is that some kind of slogan?” Jackson didn’t smile. “Nope. Just a well known fact among us.” My heart was beating so hard I was scared everyone could hear it. I was starting to feel a bit panicky. I hadn’t even thought about what married life to Jackson would be like. Irene had effectively painted the picture of him being gone for months, working some insanely dangerous job while I would be stuck in some tiny military town in a rental house. Add in a new baby, dozens of woman that probably wanted to have sex with him and a husband that didn’t want to be tied down and I was officially over my head. Irene was watching my face. She knew. She knew what I was thinking. She stood up. “Well, I really need to get back to my hotel. Jackson would you be a doll and drive me?” My lips parted. Matt interrupted my train of thought. “Emily, would you mind if I stayed back and talked to you for a bit?” Now it was my turn to avoid Jackson’s gaze.

“No, of course not.” Irene kissed both of my cheeks. She was chatting a mile a minute to Jackson as they walked out. *** Matt held out his hand and lead me to the couch. He leaned his arm over the back and smiled at me. “Emily.” “Matt,” I started. He held up his hand. “Please. I need to get something off my chest.” “Okay.” “I know I did everything wrong the last time and I totally screwed this whole thing up between us. And I only have myself to blame.” “Matt.” “No, I take the blame for all of this. I should have recognized and addressed my own health issues. None of this would have happened if I had been a better partner to you.” We stared at each other. No words came out of my mouth. “I don’t want you to marry Jackson. I don’t want you to end up on some military base alone while he is in some shit hole in Syria in a gun fight. I don’t want that life for you. You deserve more than that, Emily. You deserve to live in the most vibrant city in the world with a vacation home in the Hamptons. You deserve beautiful dinner parties

and elegant galas. Your granny lived in that world, and that is your birth right to live in it too.” I sat still. My granny had hated the pomp and stuff of that world. She had constantly ripped on about how annoying rich people were. As an heiress to a considerable sum, I could step into that world at any given moment. What Matt didn’t realize is that I had never held any interest to be part of that crowd. Those were his aspirations. Not mine. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “Just think about that, okay?” “Okay.” *** Matt left. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Tonight had been an unexpected ambush. Especially all the unnecessary digs about military life. Didn’t Irene realize the sacrifice that these families were making for their country? Men like Jackson went into the worst places in the world and did battle so people like Donny could enjoy his sailboat and house in the Hamptons. In my opinion, it wasn’t warranted to be so condescending. And what about Jackson? Why had he shown up unannounced? Had he wanted to talk to me? Maybe he had wanted to tell me that this whole idea of marriage was a stupid idea. That after reflecting on it, he realized that I wasn’t strong

enough to be a military wife. I was so confused about everything I didn’t even know what to think anymore. Why was this so difficult? Would it be too selfish to just take Jackson’s offer and bask in his presence for as long as he could stand it? Maybe he would fall in love with the baby? Maybe, at the very least, even if our marriage didn’t last, it would cement a bond between him and his child. I rolled over on my side. I had absolutely no idea what to do anymore. Why was everything so complicated?

Chapter 7 Two days passed and I heard nothing from Jackson. The guy had obviously had a change of heart. He went from insisting we get married to radio silence. *** Late Wednesday afternoon, I got a text from Matt. Matt: Hey, want to go out for dinner? I didn’t. I totally did not want to go out for dinner. I started to text exactly that to him when a second text came through for him. Matt: My mom wants to take Jackson out for dinner before he leaves. We thought you might want to join. Well, that completely changed my decision. As much as I didn’t want to be anywhere near Irene or Matt tonight, the temptation to see Jackson was just too great. I was the moth and he was my flame. Me: Sure Matt: Want me to come and pick you up? Me: No, just text me the address. I’m running late. It was a white lie but I really didn’t want

Jackson see me walk into the restaurant with Matt. I thought it would send the wrong message. I rushed upstairs to get ready, taking extra care with my appearance. I pinned up my hair to make myself look as mature as possible. The highest heels I could find in my closet paired with a little black dress. Jackson: Want me to come and pick you up? I did a stupid little dance in my living room. Me: Only if you are in the neighbourhood. Jackson: ETA 5. I was standing in the kitchen getting Chloe some fresh water when he spoke from behind me, “You look nice.” My whole body shuddered at the sound of his voice. “Sneaking up on me again, I see.” “I knocked.” I looked over my shoulder at him. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a black button shirt that was open at the neck. The restaurant was a suit and tie kind of place, but he looked so droolworthy, I didn’t think anyone would care. He stood looking at me. “You doing okay?” My head bobbed up and down. “What have you been up to?” “Just sending wedding gifts back. Paying off invoices for the wedding. That kind of thing.” I stared up at him, willing him to tell me what was on

his mind. “How about you?” “Just getting ready to leave. I’m done my outpatient program at the hospital.” He had never actually told me what had been going on at the hospital. “Oh, that’s good. Are you better?” He snorted. “Ready to go?” *** The traffic was heavy and I could see the impatience in him, his big hands tapped restlessly on the steering wheel. I cleared my throat. “So, are you looking forward to getting back to Virginia?” He gunned the truck and swerved into another lane. Horns honked their displeasure. “Looking forward to getting out of this traffic.” God I would miss this man. “Yes. I can understand that.” “Matt told me he wants to marry you. He said you two talked about it.” I went completely still. Matt had told Jackson that he wanted to marry me? He glanced at me. “You going to say something?” He didn’t sound impressed at all. “Matt talked about it, I listened.” My entire body jarred as he held down his horn for a good five seconds at someone who had cut him off.

“He said you didn’t outright tell him no.” I turned and looked out the passenger window. “He didn’t give me a chance.” “What does that mean?” “It means, he just talked and before I could respond, he insisted that I think about it before giving my answer.” He slammed on the brakes hard and laid on the horn again. Someone ahead of us stuck their hand out the window and gave him the finger. “So did you?” “Did I what?” “Did you think about it?” “I didn’t need to.” Why had Matt told Jackson that he had asked me to marry him? Why was Matt so intent on sticking his nose in this situation? Jackson and I were trying to figure out our next steps on this mess and his interference wasn’t helping anyone. It did not go unnoticed that Jackson was not talking about marriage anymore. He went from insisting we get married to not even mentioning it. He was leaving in two days to go back to Virginia. Even if we weren’t getting married, shouldn’t we be talking about our next steps? Why wasn’t he bringing it up? Probably for the same reason I wasn’t. It was an impossible subject, one that I had no idea how to even broach. We pulled up to the restaurant. Jackson looked

over at me while he turned off the truck. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking. Had my declaration of love scared him off so bad that now he didn’t want to have anything to do with me? Did he still want to marry me? What was the right thing to do here? Was I making the biggest mistake of my life? He looked like he wanted to say something but all he said was, “Ready?” *** The restaurant hostess was stunning with her straight white blonde hair that hung to her waist and the skintight dress that showed off her beautiful body. She basically eye fucked him the entire way to the table. He had complete knockouts throwing themselves at him. Why on earth would he want to tie himself down to the prim red-headed pregnant ex-fiancé of his fake brother? Oh right. He didn’t. He told me he didn’t. He felt he should but it wasn’t something he wanted. I felt so desperately sad about everything right now, I could barely handle it. Irene and Matt were already waiting at the table. Matt was wearing his navy Dolce and Gabbana suit that cost $3500. I know, because I had bought it for him for his birthday. Irene was wearing a beautiful cream linen dress. Her eyebrows went up an inch when she saw what

Jackson was wearing. Her and Matt exchanged small smiles. They were the mean girls in this clique. When we all had our drinks, Matt held up his glass of wine. “To family, both old and new.” Tonight might be the last time I saw Jackson. I had no idea what was going on between the two of us, but I had this feeling that the man was on the brink of just disappearing out of my life. As pathetic as it was, I needed to soak up every detail about him and store them in my heart. Some people think that when they have a loss, that it’s just best to forget. I know enough about loss, to understand that it’s the forgetting that hurts the most. I needed to remember what he looked like. How he moved. The sound of his voice. Tonight I would do my best to imprint this man on my memory. Jackson, Irene and Matt carried the entire conversation. I don’t think I said a single word. I just mutely ate my meal, completely ignored whatever it was they were talking about and I would pick one thing about Jackson to study and memorize. One hand, lightly grasped his beer bottle since he had completely shunned the waiter’s attempt to pour it into an iced glass. His shirtsleeves were flipped up once showing off his thick wrists. On his extremely manly left wrist, was strapped a slightly beat up, expensive military

watch. His knuckles were scarred. Long tapered fingers. The palm of his hands were broad and thick. These were the hands of a strong man. When he spoke, I used that time to study his face. The way his lips moved. How straight and white his teeth were. The slight bump in his nose where it had probably been broken once. The colour of his eyes. They changed depending on his mood and the light. Right now his eyes were the shade of forest green. Dark but not too dark. Fringed by the darkest eye lashes ever given to a man. He glanced at me. Instead of looking away, I just stared at him. He stared back. Tonight I refused to look away first. And the navy SEAL in him wasn’t going to look away either. Matt and Irene were talking and then their conversation broke off and still Jackson and I stared at each other. “You two okay over there?” Matt asked. I could hear annoyance in his voice. A smile broke out over Jackson’s face. It was so infectious, I smiled in return. And then we were both laughing. And still we stared at each other. Neither one of us wanted to admit defeat. It became so intense between us, I had to drop my gaze. He leaned forward and said so quiet, “Gotcha.” Which just made me put my mouth in my

napkin so I could giggle some more. Jesus. I loved this man. He was breaking my heart but whatever broken chunks were still beating in my chest, those pieces were completely dedicated to him. This is the point that you jump off that massive bridge and as you free fall, you keep waiting for your true love to swoop in and grab you at the last moment, but those final seconds, when you realize he isn’t going to, that is what heartache feels like. Right before you hit the bottom, you are thinking, “Oh fuck. Misread that one. This is going to hurt.” I was still in the final seconds of my free fall. And I knew it was going to hurt. Real bad. But he was so perfect, so alive, so much fun in this moment, I honestly didn’t care.

Chapter 8 Irene cleared her throat. “So, Emily. Have you given any thought as to what schools you might want to pick?” I blinked. “Excuse me?” “I heard that the York Park pre-school has a four year waiting list.” “Indeed,” Matt said as he picked up his wine. “They say that there’s a direct correlation between preschools and ivory league schools.” “I was hoping to grow this kid some arms and legs first before worrying about University.” Jackson was staring at the table, and slowly twisting his beer bottle on the white table cloth. Why was he just sitting there listening? Didn’t he have anything to say about the future of his own child? “You can never start planning for that kind of stuff too soon,” Irene said with a knowing smile. “I have a client on the school board who mentioned that he might be able to pull some strings for us,” Matt said. “Us?” I looked up at him. Irene and him exchanged a quick glance.

“Well, you know, I was hoping that I could be of support to you in this time of need especially since Jackson is leaving soon,” Matt said with a gentle smile. “Oh,” I said. My appetite all but gone. Matt reached over the table and put his hand over mine. “You know I’m here for you.” “Thank you, Matt,” I said, pulling my hand out from beneath his. I folded my hands in my lap. “Oh don’t be like that,” Irene scoffed. “Can’t you see that Matt is doing everything he can to support you?” I worked to not respond. “You know I love you,” Matt said. “I’ve always loved you. This is just a little blip that we need to get through. Together.” How dare he reference this child as a blip? As if this was something we could just brush over and pretend didn’t happen. How dare he declare his love in front of his mom and Jackson, like we were still a couple. I had left him at the alter because I didn’t want to marry him. “You think this baby is a blip?” My voice was shaking with emotion. He gave me a calm smile. “Not a blip. Em, you know what I mean. This has been hard on all of us. Jackson and I have talked at length about this. He feels responsible but let’s face it, you two are not exactly meant to be.”

He might as well have slapped me. Jackson and him had talked about this situation? Is this why Jackson was no longer talking about a future? What had they discussed? “You two talked?” I worked to keep the incredulity out of my voice. “What did you talk about?” Matt looked more than pleased with himself. Jackson took a sip of his beer and looked over the restaurant with an indifferent look on his face. Almost as if this conversation was boring him. My heart was beating so hard. Matt started, “You don’t have to worry about that. The point is, you and I love each other….” “I don’t have to worry about what, Matt?” I cried out. “Don’t I deserve to know what you all are deciding for me?” Jackson spoke up, his tone neutral. “We weren’t deciding anything, Emily. But I can’t offer you what Matt can.” And there it was. Somehow they had all decided that I needed something and Matt was the only one who could offer it to me. The reason why I had resisted marrying Jackson wasn’t because I didn’t think he had anything to offer. Matt had absolutely no business being part of this conversation. How he was still in my life and still influencing my future was beyond my comprehension.

I glared at Matt. “How dare you involve yourself in this. This is a private matter between Jackson and myself. He’s the father of this child, not you.” Irene decided to wade into the mess. “You and Jackson barely know each other. You’re practically strangers. Jackson lives in a completely different world. A harsher world. And you come from such a refined place, Emily. How could you possibly cope or support him?” Irene’s ability to vocalize all my own fears to my face was a gift. I didn’t know how I would become a wife to this man who was so much more than any other person I knew. How would I support Jackson when up until this point he had done nothing but take care of me? The man didn’t show any weaknesses, much less show any need to be supported. If he married me, I would be his burden. He would be the one supporting me. The thought terrified me. “This isn’t your place to involve yourself in,” I said tersely. Matt gave me a sympathetic look. “Jackson feels responsible and no one is denying that he wants to do the right thing, but you two getting married just doesn’t make any sense.” Christ, they were master manipulators. I couldn’t even comprehend why they were involving themselves in this matter. This thing was

already beyond complicated. They were making everything infinitely worse. My mouth felt bone dry. “We just want what’s best for you,” Irene said. Matt gave me a sincere look. “Emily, I know you and I know Jackson. And in part, I feel responsible for all of this. I mean I think I can say that the idea of the two of you living happily ever after is just not realistic. I want to help you both.” He was right and that was the kicker. We wouldn’t live happily ever after. I would be attaching myself to a man that did not want the burden of a wife and a child. We would be an infringement on his freedom. I swallowed repeatedly and looked over at Jackson. Green eyes looked back at me. His expression was stoic. The man didn’t have boundaries, he had walls. Walls that were so high there were impenetrable. I realized with pain in my heart that I had absolutely no idea who this man was. He was so private, so closed, it was almost impossible to bear in that moment. He was completely devoid of everything emotional. I could read nothing from him. No sense of what he was thinking or feeling. He must be an incredible solider. I could see how in complete chaos and madness, he would just shut off and become so disciplined and controlled. Where was the playful man who laughed with me during our staring

contest? Who was this indifferent man that looked back at me without a hint of expression. Suddenly, I felt incredible rage towards him. Why wasn’t he standing up for us? Why was he letting Matt and Irene step in and make all the decisions about our future? Didn’t he care? Or had he already decided that this was something he no longer wanted to deal with? “If you didn’t want me, you could have just told me that you changed your mind.” I fairly spat the words at him, my tone was ice cold. Something flashed in his eyes, but his tone was neutral. “You’re the one that told me repeatedly that you don’t want to marry me.” His words were tossed out there on the table between the four of us. I felt tears prick the back of my eyes. He was right. I wanted nothing more than to marry this man and when he actually asked me, I had been a complete idiot. My stupid insecurities and fears had wrecked everything. I should have jumped in Jackson’s arms the moment he had proposed and just said yes. Now he didn’t even want to marry me and he was about to disappear from our lives. Not only had I been been stupid and ungrateful towards Jackson’s honourable approach to this situation, I had been grossly unfair to our unborn child. I felt sick with misery. I had no idea how to fix this. I just wanted to find a little corner and curl up

in a ball. I needed to get away. This conversation was too much to bear and I had no answers. “I would like to go home now, please,” my voice wavered. “Emily,” Matt admonished. I looked down at my lap, struggling to maintain my composure. “Now,” my voice was barely audible. Matt sighed indicating his displeasure and then he motioned for the waiter to bring us the cheque. When the billfold was handed to Matt, he discretely slid it towards me. “What’s going on?” Jackson’s tone made me lift my head. If I didn’t know better, he sounded pissed. I flushed. “Oh sorry. Did you want anything else?” He reached across me and picked up the billfold. He gave Matt a derisive look, as he pulled his own wallet out of his pocket. “It’s fine,” Matt said, flushing. “Emily always pays.” “I’ve never let a woman buy me dinner and I’m not about to start now.” “Thank you, Jackson,” Irene said, patting her mouth with her cloth napkin. It enraged me that they were making Jackson pay for his own goodbye dinner, but at this point there was no fight left in me.

Chapter 9 Matt started to lead us out of the restaurant and I followed behind him. I needed to talk to Jackson alone. I had no idea what to say, but he could not go back to Virginia with it ending like this. We needed to talk. He may have decided that he didn’t want to marry me, but I needed to make things right between us. We were going to have a child together. We needed to get on the same page and figure this out. Did he want custody? Did he even want to be part of this child’s life? We had so much to figure out. I had no answers but at the very least, we needed to start a dialogue. A high pitched scream startled me out of my reflections. Matt stopped so short in front of me, I ran into his back. I put out my hand to steady myself but he was already stumbling to the side. He dove between two tables and landed on his knees. His arms covered his head as he ducked for cover. I turned my head to see what he was avoiding and came face to face with the barrel of a cold gun. Every muscle in my body tensed. Fight or

flight? Try completely frozen. I literally couldn’t bring air into my lungs while my mind, in slow motion, pieced together the situation in front of me. The owner of the gun had a dirty face. His head was shaved. I couldn’t hear anything except my own rasping breath and the sound of my heartbeat thrashing in my own ears. Would it hurt? When the bullet pierced my brain, would it hurt or would I just be gone? His hand and the gun were shaking. Is this how it would all end for me? “Give me your purse,” he said. I stared with disbelief at the man, noting distractedly that his lips were cracked. He had dark circles under his eyes. He looked deranged. The silence in the restaurant was so considerable, I was certain that everyone could hear my heart hammer. Two big hands wrapped around my shoulders and gently pushed me aside. My numb trembling legs moved against my will. I turned and realized in horror that Jackson had pushed me aside. Now he was standing face to face with the man and the gun. I thought my heart would literally stop beating when I realized that the gun was pointed directly at his chest. No. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. Jackson was not supposed to die in a restaurant saving my life from some dirty crazed mad man.

He was not allowed to sacrifice himself for me. “Take your gun and walk out and no one will get hurt,” Jackson’s voice was matter of fact. Relaxed. The guy looked scared. He raised the gun to Jackson’s head. “Fuck you, asshole. Give me your wallet. And her purse too.” “You can have it,” I bleated, holding my purse towards him. “Take it all.” The guy’s eyes dropped down to my black Givenchy bag. Jackson moved so quick, I didn’t even see how it happened. Now Jackson was holding the gun. What? Jackson was now holding the gun. I think we were all frozen in shock as we watched as he grabbed the top of the gun, slid the chamber back with a deafening click. He lifted the gun and aimed it at the guy’s forehead. The man looked down at his hand like he couldn’t believe he was no longer holding the gun. He looked back up at the barrel of the gun, his eyes wide. True terror radiated out of his eyes. “Get out before you do something even more stupid and I end up killing you,” Jackson’s voice was clear. The guy stood frozen for a long moment. Yup. I knew that feeling. Frozen in fear. Then Jackson’s words resonated with the man. He slowly backed

up and then he spun around. The entire restaurant watched in mute silence as he barrelled towards the door. A loud sound echoed as the door slammed and he disappeared into the night. Jackson’s voice was casual. The kind of casual tone you would use when you asked someone if they wanted a second cup of coffee. “You okay?” I wanted to speak. I wanted to say something but I was using all my energy to just stay on my feet. I heard sobbing from behind me. Distracted, I looked over my shoulder. Irene was crouched on her knees behind someone’s chair. She was sobbing like it had been her with the gun in her face. Matt appeared at my side. He was breathing hard. His eyes looked wild. He was looking me up and down, like I had been shot. “Oh my God, Emily. Are you okay?” Said the guy who had jumped out of the way so I was literally in the line of fire. Call it adrenaline, call it shock, call it whatever you want to call it, but suddenly words were tumbling out of my mouth without any filter, without any forethought. “Jackson, is your marriage proposal still on the table?” My voice was shockingly loud. The room around us was so silent, you could hear a pin drop. I glanced around and dozens of shocked faces swam before my eyes.

It was safe to say I had the room’s attention. At first it seemed like he hadn’t heard me. We all watched as he pointed the weapon down and expertly dropped the magazine out of the gun. “You want to get married?” Green eyes glanced up at my face. One look and he was taking in all of me. My trembling lips. My wide eyes. The way my chest was rising and falling with emotion. “Yes,” I sounded mangled. His eyes dropped back down to the gun. He slid the gun chamber back with a click that the entire restaurant heard. I watched as the remaining bullet flipped out of the gun. His eyes came back to my face. Assessing. Weighing. “What changed your mind?” I became aware the the entire restaurant was leaning in to hear my response. My whole body was shaking now. My voice was quivering. “Do you need a reason?” His eyebrows went up a tiny notch even though his tone was edged with disinterest. “Just curious.” I felt lightheaded. I knew that if I wasn’t truthful with him in this moment, he would probably not agree to marry me. “We need you.” It was the truth. Even if he didn’t want us, me and this baby needed him desperately. We would be nothing without him. Even if it was wrong to trap him like this, I was

incapable of stopping myself. Green eyes narrowed on my face. His jaw tightened. Then he nodded. “Okay.” The entire restaurant exploded in applause. Chaos erupted around us. The maitre d’ approached Jackson from behind. He held out a tray to Jackson. I watched as Jackson set the gun and the magazine on a tray. The man said something to Jackson. Matt was speaking but his words were barely registering. “Emily. Don’t do this. Please don’t do this.” The maitre d’ was looking up at Jackson with the same level of hero worship as he would a world class sommelier. His expression one of complete reverence. I ignored Matt. Had I really just proposed to Jackson in public? In front of an entire restaurant full of people? Had he really said yes? Was this happening? Matt grabbed my upper arm, his fingers cutting hard. “I’m serious. This is the worst mistake of your life.” I yanked my arm out of his grip and looked up at Matt for the first time. He looked incredibly frustrated. “Irene needs you,” my voice sounded wooden. He looked like he was about to say something and then he abruptly turned and moved towards Irene.

I looked back at Jackson who was shaking hands with the maitre d’ and three waiters. He glanced over at me. He motioned with his head for me to move towards him. I somehow managed to walk over to him. I felt one big arm come around my shoulder, pulling me against his warm strong side. “You’re shaking,” he said quietly. His tone was so gentle I moved my face against his chest and took in a deep breath. I loved how this man smelled. If I could burrow my way into this man, I would. He represented everything safe and warm to me. He felt like home. “I thought he was going to shoot you,” my voice was muffled against his chest. He snorted. As if what I suggested was so preposterous it was almost insulting. I put my hand on his chest. I could feel his heart beating. So slow and steady. I felt myself start to slowly calm down. “Your heart isn’t even beating fast.” “My heart rate only goes up when the bullets are actually coming out of the gun.” “I thought you were going to die.” He looked down at me, reading my expression. I stared back up at his face. Didn’t he know that the mere thought of him being in danger filled me with so much angst, I could barely breathe?

“Come on,” he grabbed my hand and started to pull me out of the restaurant. “Shouldn’t we wait for the police or something?” I tripped after him, glancing over my shoulder. He ignored me and pulled me outside, leading me to the truck.

Chapter 10 He bundled me into the truck and got in beside me. Without looking at me, he started the truck and then we were driving. I sat there beside him, shaking like a leaf. What was he thinking? Why wasn’t he saying anything? Did he not want to marry me? Was he resenting the fact that I had publicly proposed to him? Thoughts raced through my mind. We pulled up to my dark loft. He turned off the truck and looked over at me. His features looked so angular in the dim light. “Are you sure you want to marry me?” “Yes.” My voice faltered. He sounded calm. “I can’t offer you what Matt can. You’re marrying a solider not a lawyer.” “I know that.” “You come from a different world. No one knows that better than me.” Shock rippled through me. “Why would you say that?” “Em, I stayed at your granny’s place. It was a penthouse that over looks Central Park. If that is the kind of luxury you’ve grown up with, you’re

going to hate military housing.” “I don’t care about that,” I said. I didn’t. Houses did not make a person happy. Other people did. “I’m gone a lot.” “Do you not want to do this, Jackson?” I asked him, suddenly scared again. “I’m all in. I just want you to have realistic expectations.” I looked out the windshield. Thinking about the tall blond hostess who looked like she would eat him alive. I decided to be blunt about it. “What are your views on monogamy?” “Are you asking me if I think I’m going to cheat on you?” I chewed my lip. His voice was matter of fact. “If you keep on having sex with me, I guarantee I won’t stray.” I felt myself blush. “I leave on Friday,” he said. “That gives us two days.” I looked over at him in the dark. Trying to read the expression on his face. Failing. “I did some research. In New York, we need to apply for a marriage license at least 24 hours before we can get married, so I’ll apply tomorrow and we can get married Friday morning before I leave.” My whole body jerked. “You want to get married on Friday?”

“I can’t move you out there until we get housing, and I can’t apply for housing until we are married.” “Oh.” “Emily, I assumed we would do this quick and easy but if you need a wedding?” “No,” I interrupted. “City hall is fine.” He gave me a steady look. “You sure?” “I just spent five months planning a wedding. I’m good.” He was quiet for a long moment. “Being in the military is a way of life. I’m not sure it’s fair to marry you.” “You sound like Irene.” “She had some valid points.” “What did she say?” “She pointed out that you’re used to a certain lifestyle. There are no fancy preschools on the base. All the kids go to the same school.” “I went to a private school. I was miserable.” “I’m trying to do what is best here for you and this kid. I’m not sure that dragging either of you into my life is the right thing.” “I’m the one dragging you into a life that you don’t want.” We stared at each for a long moment. I had visions of the look on the blond hostesses face as she looked back up at Jackson, with her come hither look. The panic began to flow through me

again. My entire body tensed up. Were we making a huge mistake? “Em, what are you thinking?” “What if you can’t stand being married and a waitress with perfect blonde hair offers to do bad things with you and when you come home I’m a hot mess and the baby won’t stop crying?” There it was. I vomited my darkest fears into this conversation. He laughed. Like actually leaned his head back and openly laughed. I stared at him in fascination. This man was perfect looking when he laughed. I could not believe he was going to marry me. “That’s not going to happen.” I was fairly certain all of the above would at some point or another. “It might.” “I take my commitments seriously.” I stared into his eyes. He reached over and a big hand wrapped around the back of my neck. He pulled my face close and then he was kissing me. Kissing me until I was swooning, until the whole world was spinning and a moan escaped my lips. His mouth lifted off mine. A smile played on his lips. “I’m going to go.” Before I could protest, he got out of the truck and walked around to open my door. He held out his hand and then he was walking me up the steps to the loft. I turned and looked at him. Wondering what he

would say if I invited him in. Would he say yes? Would he refuse? My fears made me mute. “Get some sleep,” he said, his expression hard to read. My lips parted. “I’m trying to give you some space to adjust to all of this,” he said, before dropping another kiss on my mouth. And then he was going down the stairs before disappearing out of sight. *** The following morning I woke up in disbelief over everything that had happened. Was I really going to marry Jackson? Had I hallucinated the entire event? I wondered around my loft in a state of shock. I was half expecting that he would call me and tell me that he had thought things over and didn’t want to get married. I braced myself for this. I would not blame him if he didn’t want to marry me. I would handle it with grace and dignity. My phone dinged with a text. Jackson: I got our marriage license. Holy crap Me: Okay. Jackson: I have some things I need to take care of today. Can I pick you up at 2 PM tomorrow to head down to city hall? I stared at my phone in shock. Did he have

doubts? Were we making a bad situation worse? Should we just stop this before we took it any further? Me: Okay. *** The ceremony was short and sweet. Two hours later we were back at the loft and Jackson was changed and ready to leave. “This is shit timing, but I need to go if I’m going to get back to Virginia in time for work.” I nodded wordlessly. He looked around the loft. “You gonna be okay?” “Yes.” This felt surreal. How would I know when to come to Virginia? I knew he was leaving on some sort of training. Would he be out of contact for the entire time? “Will you just text me when I’m supposed to come to Virginia?” I asked hesitantly. He paused, a quizzical expression crossed his face. “I’ll probably call you tonight. When I arrive.” My lips parted in shock. He was acting like a real husband. It stunned me into complete silence. “Okay.” Chloe and I walked him out to his truck. He put his bag in the back and then turned around and looked down at me. This was weird.

“I’m sorry you are spending our wedding night alone. That was some piss poor planning on my part,” he teased. I blushed. He laughed and grabbed my left hand. He held it up and studied the slim band on my finger. “Feel any different?” “I feel weird,” I was breathless. A big hand wrapped around my neck as he tugged me close. His mouth came down over mine. I felt all the tension flow out of me as his tongue gently teased me. I wrapped my hands up around his thick neck and clung to him as he slowly kissed me into oblivion. When he lifted his head, I was fairly panting. “Better?” he asked, his eyes dark. I gave a shaky laugh. “Better.” He groaned as he pulled me against his hard body. “I have to go.” “Okay.” I may or may not have shed a few tears when his big black truck pulled out of the driveway. And then he was gone. *** I was already in bed when my phone rang. I scrambled in the dark to answer it. “Hello?” “Were you sleeping?” Jackson’s voice rumbled in my ear.

“Yes…no…just in bed but not asleep.” “What are you wearing?” he teased. “My pyjamas.” I hit my head with my head. Could I get any less sexy. He laughed. I tried to think of something to ask. “How was your drive?” “It was long.” “And now you’re at work?” “About to get on the bird.” “You’re getting on a helicopter?” “Yup. They’re just loading up.” “Oh.” I tried to imagine Jackson in his environment. “Are you wearing a uniform?” “Yeah, we’re geared up.” I was exhausted. I could not imagine having to start work this late at night after a six hour car ride. It sounded brutal. “I wish you had gotten some sleep.” “I’ll sleep on the flight.” “Okay.” A short pause. “I applied for housing for us. There’s a waiting list for houses, which I expected.” “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?” “Not sure. Could be up to four months.” Four months? That seemed like an interminable amount of time. I would probably be as big as a house. I still couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that I was actually having a baby. Would I not

see him until then? “You still there?” he asked. “Yes,” I cleared my throat. “Just doing some mental calculations.” “About what?” “About how big my stomach is going to be in four months.” He laughed. “Look whatever happens, we’re just going to make it work, okay? Don’t fret.” “Okay.” “Emily, I’m going to be out of touch here but you can text me. I’ll get my texts.” “Are you going to be safe?” I felt an inordinate amount of anxiety about his departure. “Oh yeah, we’re just training.” A male voice spoke to him. “Hey MacDog, get off the phone with your therapist.” I heard him laugh. “Did someone just call you MacDog?” I was just getting a glimpse of his world. It was so very different than anything I could have imagined. “Yeah. That’s my name around here. So what are you going to do this week?” “Tomorrow the movers are coming to pack and move me to the penthouse. I have an appointment with a realtor to post the loft for sale. She is going to help me stage the place.” “What about Matt’s stuff?” “I texted him and asked him to send me an

address so that I can arrange for movers to send him his stuff.” “Huh.” I couldn’t read his tone over the line. “You going to be okay?” “The movers will help with everything and I have Martha to help me.” “You can tell her that I still dream at night about her pancakes.” I laughed. “Those were some of the best pancakes I have ever had in my life.” “She will love that.” “Have a good night, Mrs. Hunter.” My whole body reacted to his voice calling me Mrs. Hunter. “Stay safe.” “Always.” I hung up the phone and stared into the dark. Did he feel weird about this? He seemed so normal on the phone. I tossed on my side and punch my pillow a few times. I just needed to take this a day at a time and not freak out.

Chapter 11 The next day I was doing some last minute packing to move back to the penthouse. The movers were scheduled to show up any minute. Footsteps sounded and then Matt was walking into the loft. “Matt.” I tried to hide my surprise. “You and Jackson took off so quick on Wednesday. You didn’t even say good-bye,” Matt’s voice sounded sulky. “Was your mom okay?” “Yes, she was fine.” We stood there looking at each other. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I jumped out of the way. It was more instinct than anything. I didn’t mean to put you in danger.” He seemed sincere. “That’s okay. It all worked out.” “So has Jackson gone back to Virginia?” “Yes, he left yesterday.” He looked over at the boxes. “I got your texts about you moving out. That’s actually why I’m here.” I stared at him, feeling a sense of anxiety grow

in my stomach. “Okay.” “I want to give this another shot. We need to make a go of this.” “Matt.” “No, hear me out. I really mean it, Emily. I think that the last two months have been crazy. Crazier than anyone could possibly handle, but that doesn’t mean we have to keep reacting to the crazy. I love you and you love me.” “Matt…” I floundered. Why was it always so hard to be upfront and straight with this man? “I didn’t realize just how scared and alone you felt until you publicly proposed to Jackson.” He gave a half laugh. “I mean, you really put the guy on the spot there, but you need to know that you aren’t alone here, Emily. I’m here for you and I want us to get married. I know we can have such a beautiful life together.” He was absolutely convinced that this is what was going to happen. Matt had unfaltering confidence. “Jackson and I got married.” I blurted it out. He took a step back and slowly shook his head. “No.” “We went to the courthouse yesterday.” “You’re telling me that you’re actually married.” “Yes.” My voice was small. Matt’s face looked flushed. His lips pulled

back, and he almost snarled. “Well, that was a very stupid thing to do, Emily.” “Matt….” I shook my head. “That’s not true.” He rolled his shoulders. “You think Jackson wants a wife much less a baby? When I suggested to him that I was willing to step in as a father and to marry you, he couldn’t get on board fast enough.” I felt my heart freeze into a solid lump. “He told you that?” Matt gave a sharp laugh. “You still don’t get it, do you?” “Get what?” “The only reason why Jackson messed with you is because he was trying to get to me. It has been like that my entire life.” “I don’t believe you.” “Jackson only dates blondes. Tall, leggy blondes.” I lifted my chin a notch. I could feel the blood pumping wildly in my veins. “So?” “So, you are a tiny redhead. No offence, but you would’ve never been a ping on his radar. You want to know why Jackson and I are at odds? He’s not a nice person. He came into my life when I was seven and our family never recovered. He’s been trying to ruin my life since the day I met him.” “You’re lying.” My lips felt numb. His laugh was harsh. “Why would I lie about

that? Have you ever asked yourself why I have never brought up his name nor invited Jackson to be part of our lives? You have no idea what you are dealing with. I can’t believe you married him.” “Jackson is the father of this baby.” He shook his head in disgust. “No, he is not. He merely donated his DNA and impregnated you. But that man will never be a father to that child. You need a heart and some emotions to actually parent a child. Jackson has neither.” I had to take a few deep breaths while his harsh words sunk into my body. Cold fear snaked up my back. “Why would he marry me if he didn’t want to be part of this child’s life?” My argument sounded weak to my own ears. Matt shook his head. “I knew you were naive but I didn’t realize that you were such a fool. Jackson wants to fuck with me. And it doesn’t hurt that he married someone that has more money than he knows what to do with. Sure hope you signed an ironclad prenup.” My eyes widened in shock. He rolled his head. “You really did it. I tried to protect you, but you’ve got nothing but heartache and pain ahead of you. It devastates me that I couldn’t save you.” I stood there for a long time after he walked out.

*** Jackson: How did the move go? *** Beth sat on my couch beside me and listened to me pour my heart out about everything that had happened, including my shotgun wedding and my last conversation with Matt. “Matt’s being a dick,” she said decisively, but I could tell that she was hiding her worry. “Do you think I made a mistake? What if Matt is right? I mean, what do I really know about Jackson?” “I hate that Matt is still fucking with you.” “What if Jackson did all of this to get back at Matt?” We stared at each other for a long moment. She squinted. “Well, to get someone pregnant and marry them is a pretty elaborate plan to mess with someone else. He could have just beat up Matt or something.” I let out a big breath. “You’re right.” “Besides, Jackson was nice right from the get go. He fixed your car and he helped you with your wedding.” I dropped my face in my hands and moaned. “But why would someone like Jackson even want to marry someone like me? It makes no sense that he even slept with me in the first place.” She reached out and touched my arm. “When

you’re with him, what does your gut say?” I tried to remember. I loved how protective he was. How after I had been attacked he had sat and watched me sleep. How he was so playful with Chloe. This is a man who picked up a broken sad dog off the side of the road. “He saved Chloe from eminent death.” She nodded. “Yes, he totally did. Matt would have driven on by but Jackson went out of his way to save your dog.” I looked around the room. “And he save my life too.” “Yes, yes! These are not actions of a coldhearted guy. Plus he got punched in the face standing up for you at your wedding.” I took a deep breath. “Yeah.” She rubbed my arm. “Don’t let Matt get in your head. He’s just being a jerk about all of this.” I looked around the loft in anguish. “What if Matt is right? What if Jackson married me for my money?” She sighed and gave a little shrug. “I don’t know the answer to that. He doesn’t seem like the type to me.” I inhaled. “I just feel so weird. It’s been three days since he left and now he is gone. When he’s around me it all makes sense. When he’s gone, I’m constantly questioning everything.” She patted my hand. “The moment you get out

there, things will get easier. Everything will be perfect when you get there.”

Chapter 12 Jackson: You around? Haven’t heard from you. *** Three more days passed by. I felt terrible about ignoring Jackson but I just felt really weird about stuff. Matt had planted some serious doubts in my mind and it felt like someone had ripped the blinders off my eyes. What if Jackson had only slept with me to mess with Matt? Matt said that he only dated tall blondes. I had a vision of the hostess from the other night at the restaurant and the jealousy that washed through me almost made me physically sick. Matt hadn’t lied about the fact that he hadn’t ever brought up Jackson’s name. He had kept Jackson carefully hidden. It was only when he had gotten sick that he had been wild and reckless enough to invite Jackson into our lives. Still, I couldn’t reconcile Matt’s version of Jackson with my own. Jackson seemed to me to be a man of great honour and character. It didn’t jive with Matt’s rendition of a heartless, emotionless man who’s only goal was to harm and manipulate.

But then again, I was a terrible judge of character these days. I didn’t trust myself. *** The doctor walked into the examination room and looked at me, “How are you feeling?” I lay back on the table. “Good.” “Looks like you are about 13 weeks pregnant?” I blinked. Had that much time passed already? “Yes.” “Any nausea? “Almost none.” “Have you felt any contractions or heavy cramping?” “No.” She took my blood pressure. “Your numbers are good. Have you been walking?” “Swimming and walking.” “Baby loves it when mom does light exercise.” I wanted to look over my shoulder and see who she was talking about. It was a surreal experience to be referenced as the mom in this situation. “So do you have any questions for me before I do your ultrasound?” “Are you sure I’m pregnant?” She smiled. “I’m sure you’re pregnant. Why do you ask?” I looked down at my hands. “I don’t know. I don’t really feel anything. About the baby yet. I feel tired and I have to pee more but that’s it. I

don’t feel anything. Shouldn’t I feel some emotions or something?” She put my chart down. “You know there is a reason why a pregnancy is nine months. Biologically, it’s so that the baby can grow enough to sustain life outside of you, but it’s also a time that you and dad can get used to the idea. What you are feeling is very common among a lot of women.” “It is?” She reached out and squeezed my hand. “It is. Now why don’t we do the ultrasound? Sometimes seeing your baby can really help. And we can take a nice photo to give to dad. Sorry he couldn’t be here today.” “He’s away for work right now.” She pressed the wand against my stomach. She turned the monitor towards me. “Look mom. There is your baby.” At first I couldn’t see anything, it just looked like a grey smeared abstract painting on the screen. And then I could see it. It almost looked alien. With a big head and a little body. Two arms and legs. Kicking and jerking in a slow weird motion. I stared in stunned amazement at the screen. “That’s my baby?” “That’s your baby,” she said with a smile. “Inside of me? That baby is inside of me?” I sounded like a complete idiot but I couldn’t quite

wrap my head around this. I watched as the little alien kicked and stretched its legs out. I looked down at my still mostly flat stomach. “I can’t believe that’s in me.” She typed on the computer. “So baby is just over 3 inches long. It’s roughly the length of a pea pod. And it weighs about an ounce. Have you been reading any baby books?” I shook my head. “No.” “There are a few books that we recommend.” She smiled at me. “Reading about your pregnancy might also help you feel a bit more connected.” Tears blurred my eyes. “I never really processed that there’s a baby inside of me.” She pressed a button and then the machine whirled. We watched as the photo came out of the machine and she handed it to me. “Give that to dad. That might make it a bit more real for him too.” The photo was clear. You could see the side of the baby’s head, an eye, a tiny nose. One tiny hand waving. Legs up, one tiny foot visible. I nodded, my heart in my throat. I looked at the doctor, realization dawning on me. “I’m having a baby.” She beamed at me. “You’re definitely having a baby.”

Chapter 13 Jackson: Hello? I stared at the text on my phone. I was standing in the pregnancy book section of the bookstore. I was still in shock over my doctor’s appointment. Me: Hi My phone started to ring. It was from a number I didn’t recognize, but even so, I knew it was Jackson. “Hello?” “Emily, what’s going on?” The sound of his warm low voice washed over me. I stood staring blankly at the books in front of me. “”What do you mean?” “Well, you’ve been MIA. You freaking out?” I felt my eyes blur with tears. Remembering how Matt had told me that Jackson had tried his damnedest to not marry me. That he only like tall blondes and that the only reason why he had been with me was to screw with Matt. “A bit.” “What’s going on?” I swallowed, the tears were clogging my throat preventing me from speaking.

“Use your words, sweetheart.” “Matt talked to me.” Silence screamed down the line between us. His words were slow and pronounced. “What did he say?” I sniffed. “It’s fine.” “It’s not fine if you’re crying.” “I don’t want to talk about it on the phone.” A long pause hung between us. “Well we’re going to have to talk about it on the phone because that’s the only form of communication we have right now.” “I thought you wouldn’t be able to call me this week.” “You gonna tell me what Matt said to you?” Another pause. Halting, “Matt said that you didn’t want to marry me and that you wanted me to marry him.” “Completely untrue.” “He also said that you only date tall blondes.” “What does that have to do with anything?” “Well, I’m not tall or blonde and not your type and so he said that the only reason why you messed around with me was so that you could get to him.” “Is that what he told you?” “Yeah.” “And you believed him?” “I don’t know.” Another long pause and then he was speaking

low and quiet into the phone. “You want to know why I messed around with you?” I sniffed again. “I’m not sure.” “Do you want to know?” I did but I didn’t. I looked at the ceiling. “Okay.” “I didn’t want to mess around with you. You were so off limits it wasn’t even funny. You were in love and engaged to Matt. But I couldn’t keep my fucking hands off you.” “What?” “That’s the truth. I didn’t want you, but I had to have you. I crossed so many lines with you that went against everything I believe in but I couldn’t stop myself.” I leaned my head against the bookshelf. “Really?” “That’s the truth.” “Oh.” Another long pause while I tried to process that. Jackson had wanted to be with me. It had nothing to do with Matt. My entire body tingled at that admission. Flashes of him kissing me, touching me, moving on top of me rolled through my mind. “You done freaking?” “Yeah.” “You sure?” I took a deep breath. “Yeah but now I have something new to freak about anyways.”

“What is that?” “I went to the doctor today.” “And?” “And it just dawned on me that we’re having a baby.” There was a super long pause and then his laughter was rumbling in my ear. His laughter was contagious and so I started to laugh too. “This isn’t funny, Jackson. This thing is real. The doctor did an ultrasound of it and there it was, waving it’s little alien arms and legs around. This thing is inside of me.” He laughed even harder. When he could manage to speak, he asked, “Are you kidding me?” “We took a picture to show you. Trust me. When you see this thing you’re going to freak out too.” “You’re priceless, you know that?” “I drove straight from the doctor’s office to the bookstore. I don’t know anything about babies. I need to do some research.” “Are you telling me this shit is getting real?” He still sounded super amused. “You have no idea.” A long pause. “Jackson.” “Yeah?” “Sorry I freaked out.” “Can you do me a favour?”

“Anything.” “I need you to stay the fuck away from Matt, okay? I know you two have a history but it’s really messed up how he’s trying to upset you.” “Okay.” “I mean it, Emily. No communication. I can’t protect you from that if I’m here and you’re there.” “Okay.” “I gotta go. You’ll text me back, if I text you?” “Yeah.” “You sure about that, Mrs. Hunter? I’m hearing some doubt in your voice.” My smile was so big, it hurt. “I’m sure.” “Take care of that alien okay?” “Okay.” “Bye sweetheart.” “Bye.” I was standing there staring at the baby books blinking back pregnancy tears. Sheesh. Only another six months of this roller coaster. My phone buzzed. I looked down at it. Jackson: Mail me Echo Tango’s pic Me: Echo Tango? Jackson: E.T. I snickered so loud, someone across the aisle lifted their head to look at me. Me: I will It took me until I got to the car to realize that he never actually denied that he only dated tall

blondes. *** The next four weeks passed by in relative quiet. I mailed the ultrasound picture to Jackson. Even though I hadn’t been to work since Matt’s accident, I officially quit my job at the gallery. They took me out for a little good-bye lunch. I was forced to go maternity shopping. Some of my more fitted clothes were getting way too tight on me. According to my baby book, which I had started to read obsessively, it was just a matter of time before I started wearing maternity clothes fulltime, so I went out and bought a brand new wardrobe. I swam daily and slept a lot. I took my pregnancy vitamins. I stopped drinking coffee and eating sushi. Martha and I took Chloe for daily walks around Central Park. Jackson texted me when he could. I never texted him first, but I always responded to his texts. He liked to tease me a lot. He often asked me how my day was going or what I was doing. We kept things light. It felt like the easy friendship we had before we slept together. *** Jackson: Got a text from Chloe this morning Me: Really? What did she say? Jackson: She says that she wants to rethink the whole pink studded dog collar thing

Me: I love that collar!! Jackson: She only wears it because she knows you like it Me: I can’t believe this Jackson: Truth *** Jackson: You there? Me: I am Jackson: Did you have some of Martha’s pancakes for breakfast? Me: Granola and yogurt Jackson: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Me: WTF? Jackson: Yeah, that is what I just said. You gotta eat some pancakes. For me. Me: My clothes are already starting to not fit Jackson: Feed them to the alien, but you gotta have a pancake for me Me: You sure seem obsessed with those pancakes Jackson: Best. Pancakes. Of. My. Life. *** Jackson: Got another text from Chloe today Me: Now what did she say? Jackson: She misses me Me: What else did she say? Jackson: She wants to enlist Me: Into the navy?? Jackson: I was telling her that there are

dogs in our unit Me: You’re kidding Jackson: That’s exactly what she said Me: I’m going to have to talk to her about using my phone Jackson: Please do. I think this obsession with me is borderline unhealthy *** And then I got the text that sent my heart into overdrive. Jackson: You packed? Me: Why? Jackson: A house has become available. It’s a two bedroom. Available immediately. Me: Really? Jackson: Really. You can ship your boxes asap Holy shit. This was really happening. I was suddenly inexplicably nervous. Me: Okay. Jackson: I have the weekend off. I’ll come get you Me: I can drive myself My phone began to ring. “Hello?” “What do you mean, you can drive yourself?” “You don’t need to come out here. I need to drive my car there anyways.” “I don’t like the idea of you driving on the highway by yourself.”

“Well it doesn’t make sense for you to come all the way here and then spend a day driving with me.” “It makes sense if you’re safe. I get back to the base on late Friday afternoon. I can fly out there and we can drive on Saturday.” “I can be there on Friday before you’re even off work.” Silence. “Emily,” he said my name so quiet. My heart raced with how protective he was. This is what got me into trouble into the first place. His unending need to take care of me. I loved it so much and it made my heart do stupid things in my chest. “I promise I’ll be so careful. I’ll have Chloe with me.” More silence on the other side. This was in Jackson’s DNA. I had to remind myself that he was just a natural born protector. This had very little to do with me and was all about how he viewed the world and his role in it. “I don’t want you to stop at any of those shit rest stops.” I struggled not to laugh at the tone in his voice. “I promise.” “You don’t stop for anyone along the highway. I don’t care what the circumstances are. I don’t care if you see little kittens and puppies crying for help. You do not stop.” “Jackson. I promise. It’s going to be broad

daylight.” I got a long-winded sigh from his end. “Take this serious, Emily.” “I’m taking this seriously.”

Chapter 14 On Friday, I rolled up to the gates of the military base at 4 PM. I had texted Jackson my estimated time of arrival but it still shocked me to see him sitting on the tailgate of his truck waiting for me. He was dressed in army boots, grey and white military fatigue pants and a grey t-shirt. He was wearing some sort of body armour vest and a baseball hat. My heart was literally tripping in my chest. He had more facial hair that I remembered and when he stood up, he looked absolutely massive. My hands were shaking as I put my car in park. I seriously did not remember him being this big. Chloe was so excited to see him she was positively howling beside me. I opened the passenger door so that she could go greet him. I watched as she ran and leapt into his arms. She was squirming in his arms. I saw that familiar smile break across his face and just like that my heart squeezed a bit tighter. If only my reunion with him was so easy. I closed my eyes and took a calming breath. I got out of the car slowly, feeling self conscious

as he watched with interest as I walked towards him. He set Chloe down who immediately wandered off to explore. It was positively unnerving how good looking he was. I had practiced what I would say to him about a hundred times and all those witty little conversations completely evaporated beneath his intense scrutiny of me. “You look bigger than I remember,” I blurted out. “I tend to bulk up a bit when we’re in training.” “Oh,” I looked down and pushed a bit of gravel around with the toe of my sneaker. “How was your drive?” “It was good.” I looked back up at him. We studied each other. He seemed tougher, harder to read. We felt like two strangers. Was I really married to this man? Away from New York and the loft he seemed so different than I remembered. “Your boxes arrived.” “Oh,” I chewed on my lip. “Okay.” His glance dropped to my stomach. “How’s Alien?” “Normal. Still inside of me.” A smile traced on his perfect lips. “Ready for this?” “Yes.” “Follow me.”

*** I followed Jackson’s truck through a fenced gate that reminded me of a border patrol. There were real soldiers with real machine guns. It took over an hour to get my special military ID. I would need that ID to get on and off the base, to buy groceries and to see the doctor. I slowly followed Jackson’s truck through what appeared to be a small functioning town. I had never been on a military base before. The main street looked quiet and almost deserted. We traveled through a few streets and then Jackson pulled up in front of a small two-story, boxy white house with a red door and black shutters. It had a huge tree in the front. The street looked like a normal suburban street. Clutching my jasmine plant in a death grip, I followed Jackson up to the house. Jackson unlocked the door and the three of us wandered in to look around. *** The house was completely empty except for my shipped boxes which were stacked high in the hallway. On the left was a small sitting area that extended to a dining room. Straight ahead, was a large kitchen that was stark white. There was an area for a kitchen table. Just off the kitchen was a family room that had windows that overlook the backyard. The back door led to a large plain deck

and an absolutely massive backyard. Just off the kitchen was a small laundry room closet without a washer and dryer. Jackson and Chloe stepped outside to explore the backyard. Curiosity drove me upstairs. There were two bedrooms. The master bedroom had a small walk-in closet and a full bath. The hallway had a second bathroom. The place felt different than the loft. This house had a distinct suburban vibe. I heard the backdoor slam and then my name, “Emily?” “Upstairs.” I walked out of the bedroom and looked down. Jackson was standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Some buddies are going to help me move my furniture over from my place.” “Do you need any help?” “No. It should be pretty quick.” I couldn’t read the expression on his face. Did he feel as weird having me here, as I felt being here? “How are you holding up?” “I’m good.” He studied me for a long moment. “Okay. I’ll be back soon.” I unpacked my car and found Chloe’s food dishes. I gave her some dinner, and then I walked around the house. I don’t know what I had been expecting from Jackson but I hadn’t expected for

us to feel like two strangers who were slightly wary of each other. *** I was upstairs, unpacking my toiletries when I heard loud male voices come into the living room. “I can’t believe MacDog got married.” “I guess hell did freeze over.” Laughter. “Did he tell you? He’s been back in training for over a month.” “Not a word. He just texted me this afternoon and let me know he’s moving into family housing and could I un-ass and help move his furniture.” “Damn that guy is the vault.” “You know it.” “I thought him and Harper broke up after Stubbs and Bixley.” Who was Harper? What were they talking about? “They did.” “She finally figured out how to drag his dick down the aisle.” More laughter. I crept down the stairs. Two mountain men that sported the same shaggy haircut that Jackson wore were assembling a dining room table. One of them had a full beard. One guy spotted me and he went completely still and almost instantly the other guy turned

around. Real slow and easy they both stood up, like I was the threat in the room that needed to be assessed. The bigger guy, who had a sleeve of tattoos down one arm, said with curiosity in his voice. “Hello.” “Hi,” my voice sounded tiny. I nervously cleared my throat. They both exchanged glances and then the bigger one started to laugh and then he looked at the other guy. “I’m sorry. Are we even in the right fucking house?” We all laughed. “Are you helping Jackson move?” I asked carefully. He put big hands on his hips and looked around. “We are.” “Then you’re in the right house.” If he was shocked, he hid it well. He brought one hand up to his chest. “I’m Chris and this is Alfie.” “I’m Emily.” We stared at each for a long moment and then he tilted his head. “And how do you know Jackson? Are you a friend of Harper’s?” I swallowed convulsively. I could barely speak. “Jackson and I got…had…HAD a wedding…together.” Both men just stared at me. Full on I-don’t-

believe-a-fucking-word-you-are-telling-me stares. Both of them. At the same time. I had seen that very look on Jackson’s face. Did they teach them this look in the navy? “We got married,” I said lamely. “You’re Jackson’s wife.” He managed to make his statement sound like a question. “Yes.” He gave me a short nod. “Pleased to meet you.” I didn’t know what to think about the fact that Jackson hadn’t told his friends about me. Was that a bad thing? Where was he anyways? I was so nervous, my breath hitched in my throat. “Can I help?” “No ma’am. We’ll be done here soon.” “Okay,” I said. They both watched me while I crept back up the stairs, feeling completely awkward. I stood in the bedroom, my hands on my hot face. I heard the front door slam. And then I heard them through the bedroom window as they walked back to the truck. “What the fuck just happened?” one of them asked. They both laughed hard. “Did she actually say that she married MacDog?” *** I watched from the bedroom window as another

two trucks pulled up, one of which was Jackson’s truck. He had changed into jeans and a t-shirt that stretched across his hard chest. Someone pulled out a pack of beer and then they were all cracking open cans. All the men were huge, muscular and looked as tough as nails. “Hey MacDog,” Chris mocked. “Thanks for the heads up that you didn’t marry Harper. I looked like a complete ass asking your bride who the fuck she was.” Jackson looked calmly at him and then chugged his beer. Alfie spoke. “Yo fuck face, how did that tiny little thing manage to get your ugly ass up the aisle anyways?” Jackson took another long haul from his beer, and then spoke without looking up. “Emily was the one that needed convincing to get married.” The rest of the men exchanged big looks amongst themselves. Alfie cut in. “Probably because she knew it was illegal to marry a minor. Did the minister card her before he married you?” They all laughed, including Jackson. Another shot. “Do you think your bride can score me some of those girl guide cookies?” More laughter. And then Jackson had Alfie in a headlock and they were wrestling on the grass. The other guys were hooting and hollering.

This was a side I had never seen of Jackson. He had friends. Big, hairy, muscular, wrestling friends who drank beer, helped him move and harassed him in good fun. I realized that I had never actually seen Jackson in his own environment. In New York, he spent a lot of time either alone or with me. At both of my parties in New York, he had been pretty social, but this camaraderie was completely foreign to me. Who was Harper? The question nagged at me. I stood and watched in awe until it dawned on me that at some point soon they would all be coming into the house to unload the trucks. As much as I wanted to lie hiding in the tub with the shower curtain closed, I instinctively knew that the only way I would get through this was to meet them all head-on. For moral support, I forced Chloe to get up and accompany me downstairs. I needed to get busy. No one could fault a busy person. I would start unpacking. I grabbed a box and ripped it open. I heard laughter as the sound of men entering the house. They worked seamlessly as a team around me. Alfie and another guy carried in boxes. Chris and Jackson installed the washer and the dryer and the other two guys were doing God knows what upstairs. I started to unpack dishes. They were as curious about me as I was about them. I caught them eyeballing me each time they

passed by. I wasn’t even blushing anymore, I was just a constant shade of hot red. Perma-flush, spent about a thousand hours frying two feet away from the sun kind of red. They were setting up Jackson’s furniture. I didn’t even look at it. I was too nervous. I was freaking out more and more by the second. What was I doing here? Why was Jackson so distant? Was it because his buddies were here? Everything felt slightly off. And then Chris was leaning over the counter, cell phone in hand. “What kind of pizza do you like?” “Ham and pineapple?” My voice sounded like a tiny chirp. I cleared my throat. “Forbes!” he bellowed, a smile on his face. “What?” a voice called from the other room. “We got another Hawaiian lover in the house.” A huge guy with the bluest eyes I have ever seen popped his head around the corner. He grinned at me. “You realize that you married the wrong man.” Despite my fears and my nerves, I laughed. He pointed at himself. “I have a truly refined taste in pizza. Unlike Mr. Meat Lover over there.” Jackson and I shared a look. He was watching the exchange with another one of his hard to read expressions. Forbes leaned his arm on the counter between

us and said in a sultry voice. “So, what do you say? Want to share a pizza?”

Chapter 15 The trucks were unloaded and furniture was set up in record time. I watched as a beer cooler was carried out to the deck and then we all moved outside. Beer was passed around. These men were huge. They all were so easy going but they had the same intensity as Jackson. There was a vibe that pulsed beneath the surface in this group that indicated a tight camaraderie. Even thought things were weird between Jackson and myself, I still gravitated to his side. “Dude, you gonna give us a proper introduction?” Chris asked. Jackson and I faced the other five men who had gathered in a half circle in front of us. These huge men were all openly studying me. All of them had that direct, fierce energy that I associated with Jackson. Jackson lifted his beer can and went around the circle. “Chris, Alfie, Guinness, Forbes, and Typhoon. Don’t ask me what their real names are because besides Chris, I have no idea.” They all laughed. He looked down at me. Green eyes held my

gaze. “This is my wife, Emily.” I felt my face burn hot under his careful inspection. Jackson called me his wife. I felt like a two-bit actress on some set. None of this seemed real. I was waiting for someone to step on the scene and yell “cut.” “Well,” Chris raised his beer to me. “Although I never thought I would see this punk ever get married, I must say that this is a welcome surprise. On behalf of the guys here, we’d like to welcome you to the family.” The rest of the men lifted their beers and in unison said, “Hooyah.” I blushed even harder as they all drank to that toast and then they were pulling Jackson into their group. Slapping his shoulders and doing the halfman hug that men seemed to do. I squeaked when Chris came over and picked me up into a huge bear hug. “Jesus, your a tiny little thing aren’t you,” he set me back down on my feet. I was breathless. “You need to eat a few more pieces of pizza.” The doorbell rang and Chris and I went inside to get the door. It was the pizza guy. Chris gave me the look of death when I tried to get my purse. “Don’t even think about it, little lady.” *** We all ate pizza together. Forbes and I took endless ribbing about our pineapple pizza. The men

took turns chasing Chloe around the backyard until she was panting with desperate joy. And they drank beer like frat boys. These men were different. I can’t explain it, but I knew they all held themselves to the same impossible standards that Jackson held himself to. I instinctively knew that they all had the same integrity, discipline and mental toughness that Jackson had. There was a bond between them. They were one of the tightest knit group of men I had ever met. They would die for each other. That I knew. I could not get enough of watching them interact with Jackson. It almost felt like I was getting a glimpse into his secret world. They joked around. Razzed each other. Mocked each other. And enjoyed each other. I had been the mistaken one. This whole entire time I had worried that Jackson didn’t have a real family, but the truth of the matter was I was the one without a family. Jackson, on the other hand, had five of the greatest brothers a guy could ask for. I thought Jackson was the most observant man in the world, but 15 seconds after I discretely yawned, without saying a word, they were picking up their empties, putting the leftover pizza in the fridge and made their way out with a casual slap on Jackson’s shoulders and a wink in my direction. Then they were gone.

*** I sat on the steps of the deck, watching as the fireflies came out to play in the dark. Chloe lay on the grass. Jackson walked over and came and sat down beside me. “You ready for this?” I took a deep breath. “I think so.” We sat in silence as we looked out over the huge backyard. “What do you think of the house?” “It’s nice. I love the backyard.” “How come?” “I had a backyard when I was a kid. I loved my backyard. My dad built a swing set for me.” “You think Alien might want his own swing set?” I felt a ping of hope in my heart thinking of Jackson building a swing set for our child. “Maybe.” “How did you like your baptism by fire with the guys?” his voice was casual. “I was nervous at first but they all seem really nice.” “What happened with Alfie and Chris before I arrived?” I froze for a heart beat and then recovered. “Not much.” “What happened?” I shrugged, not wanting to talk about it.

“Tell me.” “Well, at first they seemed to think that you married someone by the name of Harper.” Radio silence crackled between us. “Did they tell you who she is?” My heart was pounding in my throat. I didn’t want to know who Harper was, but Jackson wanted to tell me. This I knew. “Why don’t you?” “She’s an ex-girlfriend.” I had kind of figured that one out. “How long did you date?” “Just over three years.” Whisky Tango Foxtrot. What. The. Fuck. Jackson had dated someone for three freaking years? Was this some kind of joke? “You dated Harper for three years?” My voice was scratchy and full of emotion. “Yeah.” More radio silence while I digested that fact. My mind was racing. He had dated someone for three years. What had gone wrong? “So, when did you and Harper break up?” “The night before I came to New York.” What. The. Fucking. Fuck. My mind was reeling with this news. Jackson had been in a three year relationship that had ended a day before I had met him. “Why did you break up?” I stared unseeing at the backyard. This almost felt like a break up

conversation. When you find out something really bad about your partner and you know that nothing is ever going to be the same again. “I had just gotten back stateside after a bad tour and I was pretty fucked up.” “And now?” My voice was barely a whisper. “Now I’m less fucked up.” “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” “Would you have married me if I had?” “Probably not.” “There’s your answer.” That wasn’t an answer. That made no sense to me. My mind flailed as I tried to wrap it around this conversation. No wonder he had resisted marrying me. It was one thing to think that a guy didn’t want commitment for the sake of not wanting commitment, but it was an entirely different ballgame when you realize that he just didn’t want to commit to you. “Is she a civilian?” “She works logistics out of our base command center.” “So…she works with you.” “Sometimes.” This conversation just kept getting better and better. I felt faint. Dizzy. “Have you talked to her since you got back?” “Not yet. I got back and immediately left for

training. I just got back this afternoon.” I still could not wrap my head around this news. Three years. He had been committed to another woman for three entire years. He had been someone’s partner, a boyfriend. A lover. “What happened?” Maybe this would save me. Perhaps she had cheated on him. Perhaps he realized that he didn’t love her. This was the one answer that could right everything that had just been made wrong. He looked over the backyard. “I had a really bad tour. Two of my buddies were killed.” “I’m sorry,” I floundered, my words sounding inadequate. “Due to the traumatic nature of my tour, it was decided before I could pursue active duty again, I needed to partake in mandatory counselling. It was part of my re-engagement proceedings to get back to work.” A bitter note traced his voice. I blinked. My mind was racing, trying to put the pieces together. “Your outpatient treatment was therapy?” “It was complete bullshit.” His green eyes glanced at my face. “The only reason why I participated is because it was the only way they would let me fight again.” It was all starting to make sense. His secrecy around his outpatient program. His unwillingness to tell anyone what he was getting treatment for. It

made sense knowing that it was because he had been in therapy. “But why did you and Harper break up?” My voice caught awkwardly on her name. I didn’t want to know more about her but I needed the truth. “The night before I left for New York, Harper came to talk to me.” My eyes were wide. I stared unseeing out into the now dark backyard. I could see the outline of Chloe lying on the grass, her white fur reflecting in the dark. He cleared his throat. “Harper was trying to support me. I didn’t want her support. We fought that night. We had a huge fight.” I lifted my head to look at his face. He looked tortured. He took a deep breath. “I was awful to her. And I said some pretty intense shit to her face before I got on that plane. I ended things with her. The next morning, I was in New York, in your loft.”

Chapter 16 That was not the answer I had been looking for. I stood up abruptly on wobbly legs and would have pitched forward if he hadn’t reached out and steadied me. “I’m going to bed.” He let me go without another word. I lurched upstairs. After the longest shower of my life, I pulled on a t-shirt and underwear before wobbling to bed. I had no framework in which to process any of this. Despite repeatedly telling myself that Jackson didn’t want to marry me and that I needed to really manage my expectations around this relationship, nothing could have prepared me for the idea of there being another woman in his life. When he had been in New York, he had refused to talk about what he was doing at the hospital. He never mentioned his bad tour or the fact that he had abruptly ended a committed and long-term relationship in what sounded like a moment of grief. I had married a stranger. A private, closed off man who was very good at keeping secrets. Tears blurred my eyes. Where did all of this

leave me and Alien? Were we just bi-products of him acting out his grief in New York? Fear banded around my heart so tight, I almost couldn’t breathe. This news changed everything. Everything had changed. All those times when he had told me that he didn’t want commitment, I had made the erroneous assumption that he preferred to be alone. It was beyond shock and disbelief that he had been in a relationship for three long years. Who was she? What was she like? Did they laugh together? Did he wish she had been the one who had gotten pregnant and not me? Fatigue coursed through my veins. I needed to sleep. My body was shutting down and it was my mind’s way of not being able to deal with the day. *** I jerked awake, panting, beyond aroused. And became aware that Jackson’s face was buried between my legs. Early morning dawn light was creeping in the window. I looked down to see his broad shoulders and his messy hair as his mouth moved over me. “Oh God,” I cried, my hips jerking up. He lifted his head and looked up at me. He pinned my dazed look with a scrutiny that was so intense, I couldn’t even translate it. I felt so vulnerable, I almost couldn’t take it. And then he went back to blowing my mind.

I felt his big hands on my thighs, holding me open. His tongue swirled and skimmed, with a breathtaking persistence. A hoarse cry ripped out of me. The pleasure almost overwhelmed me. His unrelenting mouth tormented me, demanded from me, stimulated me until I was begging with abandonment. Pleading as the throbbing ache threatened to overwhelm me. I felt my entire body stiffen and then I was arching off the bed against his mouth, crying out his name, as the most glorious orgasm washed through my body. Then he was moving up the bed, on top of me, pushing my hair off my face. “Emily.” His voice sounded tortured. Oh God. If he mentioned her name, I was going to burst into tears. I felt so vulnerable, so completely exposed on every level, I didn’t know what to do with myself. “Please,” my voice broke, not really sure what I was asking for. I was in a million pieces. He was the only one who could ground me. He shut his eyes, fighting his own desire. I could see the conflict on his face, his teeth were clenched as he worked to not give in. I wrapped my legs around his waist. And then he slowly began to push himself into me. I gasped as his huge male length pressed into me. I had forgotten what it was like. He was impossibly big. Filling me. My entire body was

shaking as he imprisoned me. I felt him groan into my neck and then he lifted his head and locked eyes with me. “Why is it like this every time I’m with you?” he asked baffled before he bent his head and slowly sucked one of my sensitive nipples into his mouth. I moaned as he feasted on my breast, while my trembling legs tightened around his back. He raised his head and then he began to move. His rhythm was powerful, breathtakingly primal and all Jackson. I was staggered by the sensations that flooded my body. The yearning in me skyrocketed to an insatiable hunger. I tossed my head and bit my lip as he devastated me with each throbbing thrust. His big hands weaved into mine and he was pinning them above my head. I loved how he took charge. He epitomized strength and male dominance as he moved into me with such a fierce purpose. “Oh God,” I moaned, tightening my legs around him as he relentlessly drove into me. “You like it when I do this to you?” his voice was almost a growl. “Yes,” I pleaded. “You feel unbelievable,” he ground out. I was out of breath. Panting. Out of my mind with greed. I loved how he moved with an almost savage, single-minded determination.

“Oh,” I whimpered, as I felt my entire body clench. He sank deep into me and lifted his head to watch me fall apart. My weak arms struggled against his grip and then my entire body bowed up, clenching around him, before shattering into a million pieces. His eyes shut, wincing. “Oh Jesus.” He began to move again, this time for his own release. His driving thrusts pushed me a foot up the bed and then his head arched back, wincing, as he buried himself deep into me. I felt his hot release as his body shuddered into mine. My entire body was shaking. All my nerves were firing, my heart was beating, yet I felt wasted. Drugged. Like my bones were melted. We were both breathing hard. I dragged my eyes open to look at his face. He studied me for a long moment. “I should have told you about Harper.” I shut my eyes as everything rushed back to me. “Emily.” Yes we had just had mind-blowing sex, but that didn’t change the fact that he had been in a very committed and serious relationship before this train wreck of a relationship had derailed his life. And now he was talking about her. “It changes everything.” His voice was so low. “It doesn’t have to.”

“I’m scared.” “Can you trust me on that?” “I don’t know how.” I didn’t. I was a mixture of torrid thoughts, wild swinging emotions and my compass was so far off centre I didn’t even know if I was heading up or down. He lifted himself up and out of me. And then he was rolling away from me. I lay there huddled and watched as he sat on the edge of the bed. He rubbed his hands over his face. He gave me a long look over his shoulder and then he stood up, pulled on a pair of sweats and walked out. I curled up on my side and cried myself to sleep.

Chapter 17 Jackson had left me a note that he had gone for a run. I sat up in bed feeling confused and scared. Last night my heart had been blown to smithereens when I had found out about Harper. Now I was confused about my complicated and secretive husband. I had to keep mentally re-writing who I thought he was. Every time I thought I knew him, something else would be revealed that would literally bewilder me. What if since being back here he realized that he still loved her, but now he was saddled with me? I flushed as I remembered how he had woken me up. The way our bodies came together. The intensity of it all. Was it always like that? For everyone? I didn't have enough experience to know if that was normal. He was so good at that and I was so inexperienced. I dropped my face in my hands. “Hi.” Jackson said from the doorway of the bedroom. His hair was completely wet from his run. My heart jolted at the sight of him. The man, in all his athletic grace, was the epitome of

everything a man should be. Strong, masculine, sexy. Had this man’s face really been between my legs? “Hi,” I crossed and uncross my arms. “What are you thinking?” I felt heat hit my cheeks. “Nothing.” His look was speculative. “You sure?” Heat seared my neck. “Yep.” “I’m just going to shower and then do you want to go get some groceries? I should probably show you the commissary store.” Wordlessly, I nodded. I watched, with a dry mouth as he stripped off his wet shirt and walked into the bathroom. I fell back on the bed groaning, my hands covering my face. Why was I so awkward? “Em,” his voice broke through my thoughts. Mortified, I lifted my head. He was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, an amused look on his face. Kill me now. “Do you want to make a grocery list?” I nodded again. “Thanks,” he said, turning. I watched as he dropped his towel, giving me the most sublime view of his taunt naked ass. He glanced over his shoulder, busting me checking him out. He laughed as I shot off the bed, eyes glued to the floor and hastened out of the bedroom. ***

The military grocery store was a medium-sized store. Jackson grabbed a cart and together we started walking the aisles together. It was bizarrely domestic to be shopping with him. Yesterday it felt like we were strangers. Today we felt way more like ourselves. I felt as if I could breathe just a bit easier. I stood at the cereal aisle letting Jackson push on ahead. I noticed a brand of cereal that I hadn’t eaten since I was a kid. Of course it was on the top shelf. If I stood on my tippy toes, my finger tips could almost grasp the box. Suddenly I felt him behind me, his hard body against my back. “Need some help there?” his voice was husky in my ear, as he reached up easily to the top shelf and pulled down a box. “Thank you,” I said breathlessly. He didn’t move away. Instead his body boxed me in, his warmth spreading through my t-shirt. He held the box in front of me. “Quisp?” “Don’t judge,” I said primly. “It’s a request of Alien.” His mouth was against my hair. “You know this is just pure sugar.” “I know,” I said sadly. “I should probably get some Cheerios instead.” He stepped back and he dropped the box into the cart. “I’ll make you a deal. You can have your

cereal but no comment when I put frozen cookie dough ice cream in the cart.” My eyes went wide. “Cookie dough ice cream?” His smile was teasing. “I thought I said no comment.” This was the man I had fallen for in New York. I couldn’t stop the goofy smile from crossing my face. He turned around and I saw his entire body jerk to a stop. At the end of the aisle stood a really pretty tall woman. She was wearing a pair of fatigue pants and a sweatshirt that said “US NAVY” on the front. Her wheat blonde hair was up in a pony tail. She stared back at Jackson. “Is it true?” she asked loudly, her voice quivering. “Fuck,” Jackson said beneath his breath. “Harper,” he said in a neutral tone. She started to walk towards us. The closer she got, the more beautiful her features became. A delicate nose. Porcelain skin. High cheek bones. Gorgeous brown eyes that were filled with tears. Her lips trembled. “Tell me it isn’t true.” “How did you find out?” Jackson sounded resigned. “Someone from housing…I don’t know. The whole base knows. Do you know what it felt like to have 20 different people ask me about it today?”

“I only got back from training yesterday. I was going to tell you.” Her chest rose and fell with emotion. “I don’t get it. I can’t wrap my mind around this.” A couple of women with their carts stopped at the end of the aisle and watched with interest. Jackson glanced at me. His expression blank. “When you came back from New York for your arbitration review you told me that we were going to sit down and talk about our future. You told me that we were going to have a fresh start.” The day after I had found out I was pregnant, Jackson had come back to Virginia. Everything was different when he got back from that trip. He came back different. He had told me to marry Matt after making it clear that he didn’t want the same things as I did. He had been resolute about ending things with me. Now I know why. She was standing in front of me. I had ruined his plans by telling him that I was pregnant. I instinctively put my hand on my stomach and stepped back. Poor Alien. Such a traumatic, unwelcome start to this world. Jackson’s eyes narrowed and I felt his fingers wrap around my arm, holding me in place. Her eyes went wide as she took in his possessive action. She took a step towards me. “That should be me wearing that fucking ring.”

“Harper. Come on.” Jackson’s voice sounded terse. Her voice escalated five notches. “You married her? That should be me. You know it should be. You said that it would happen if I was patient with you. You told me that you needed time and so I gave you time. I was patient. I was so fucking patient.” “Do you really want to talk about this here?” She was almost yelling. “Three fucking years. I gave you three years of my life and she comes along and you marry her in three months? How does that even happen? She stole you from me. She stole my life. She has everything to do with this.” “Leave her out of this,” Jackson’s voice cut through her tears with force. Brown eyes turned on me, a mixture of hatred and pain. “Fuck you.” Then she turned around and walked down the aisle and disappeared. I looked up at Jackson. He was radiating energy but I couldn’t read what he was thinking. He felt like a coiled spring, all wound up and tight. Avoiding my eyes, he rolled his shoulders. “Come on. Let’s shop.” I could feel how hot my face was. I wanted to walk out of this store. I wanted to walk out of this marriage, walk out of this life and never look back.

This was a nightmare of epic proportions. We started to shop again, this time in silence. All the playful teasing and joy had disappeared. I tried to get a feel for what Jackson was thinking or feeling after that exchange, but he was completely closed off. Stoic. In control. I was no longer grocery shopping with Jackson. I was grocery shopping with a navy SEAL who was focused on getting the job done. I didn’t even care what we were putting in the cart. I just trailed after him, lost in my own thoughts. Harper. Despite her tears and emotions, she had been incredibly beautiful. Tall and blonde. Athletic. Exactly the kind of woman I pictured him with. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he had dated her for three years. I stopped in my tracks remembering her words. The week that Jackson had returned to Virginia he had told her he wanted to discuss a fresh start. Could this get any worse? What was I doing here? He looked over his shoulder at me. Assessing me. Something close to frustration flashed in his eyes. His annoyance probably stemmed from the fact that he would rather be with her and instead he had me meekly trailing after him. I dropped my eyes, not wanting him to see how destroyed I felt in this moment. Without saying anything, he pushed the cart to the check out and started unloading the groceries

onto the conveyor belt. “Oh my God, how young is she?” “He left Harper so he could marry her?” I could hear the whispers around me. My face was on fire. “Can I help?” I said to Jackson in a small voice. He glanced at me and ignored my question while he continued to unload the cart. I watched as he started to bag the groceries. When the clerk rang up the total I fumbled in my purse for my wallet. He scowled at me. “Don’t.” My face burned hot while he took out his card and paid. He loaded up the truck and then we just sat there in the truck, neither of us moving. If I didn’t have Jackson’s child growing inside of me, I would already be on my way back to New York. Instead, I felt vaguely trapped and unsure of my next steps. “Jackson,” I started, unsure what to say or how to say it. He glanced over at me, something dangerous was in his gaze. “Not right now.” I shrank back in my seat. His words deflated me. Defeated me. I hadn’t realized just how much I had needed to hear him tell me that it was going to be okay. To comfort me. His reaction made me feel lost and more alone than before.

I nodded wordlessly and watched as he started the truck. Tears blurred my eyes as we drove back to our house.

Chapter 18 Jackson unloaded the groceries and helped me put them away. We worked in silence together. He seemed untouchable which further added to my own mounting insecurities. My nerves were so tight I almost couldn’t take it. I felt like a rubber band that was about to snap. “What are you doing right now?” Jackson’s question broke through my thoughts. I shrugged. I looked around the place. Boxes were still stacked everywhere. What I wanted to do was crawl into bed and not come out. “Why don’t you start unpacking the bedroom?” he said. “I’ll work on stuff down here.” I wanted to talk to him but the words eluded me. Instead I trudged upstairs and began to unpack. I made short work of my boxes of clothes and started on Jackson’s boxes. It felt weird to be hanging our stuff together in the same closet. It felt like we were two strangers playing house. I could not stop replaying the scene at the grocery store. I had never seen Jackson react like that. For the thousandth time I questioned my sanity for being here.

I started loading his socks into a drawer and stopped short when I noticed the little blue Tiffany bag. Inside was a Tiffany ring box and a receipt. I stood there for a long moment holding it in my hand. I knew that I should just put it away, but I needed to know when he had bought it. Without looking at the price, I peeked at the corner of the receipt and noted the date. Jackson had bought this ring just after Christmas. December 28th to be exact. This was Harper’s engagement ring. Heart in my throat, I was unable to stop myself from opening the box. It was a magnificent ring. It sparkled and glittered in the light. It suited her perfectly. This ring would have been beautiful on her hand. Here was more proof of how Alien and I had completely derailed Jackson’s future. I sat on the bed and just stared at the ring. Had Jackson been excited when he bought this ring? Had he planned some romantic proposal? He had told her to be patient with him. She had been. This was the proof that he had meant to honour those intentions. Instead, I had gotten in the way. “You want me to break down the boxes for you?” Jackson’s voice sounded from the doorway. I looked up at him, my eyes wide. His gaze dropped to the ring box in my hand. His jaw tightened. I resisted the urge to apologize for intruding on

his privacy. He had asked me to unpack his boxes. I was his wife and I had just found an engagement ring for another woman amongst his stuff. I wasn’t entirely sure under the circumstances he owed me an apology, but I wasn’t going to say sorry either. “It’s a beautiful ring,” I said, snapping the lid closed. “It suits her.” His cheekbones became more pronounced as he sucked his cheeks in. He studied the floor between us. Green eyes finally raised up to meet mine. He finally spoke. “I hadn’t given it to her yet.” “You bought it.” “We broke up before I left for New York.” “I’m pretty certain you would have gotten back together.” “I married you, not her.” “It doesn’t matter,” I lied. He put his hands on his hips. “You can’t just say that.” “Say what?” “Say that it doesn’t matter.” What did he expect from me? Of course it mattered. “You want to hear that it matters?” I raised my eyebrows at him and nodded, feeling my anger pulse and grown inside of me. “You want the truth?” “I always want the truth.” I could not stop the flow of words that streamed

from my mouth. “Well, how about this? When a man buys a ring for a woman, it means something. Even if he hasn’t given it to her yet. I get it. I totally get it.” “What do you get?” My chest was rising and falling. “You chose her. You came back to Virginia and you chose her. You told her you were coming back to her. And you told me to marry Matt.” He put his hands on his hips and blinked a few times. “What I don’t understand is why you were so determined to marry me, when it is so obvious that you love her. She loves you, you love her and I’m here in the way. You manned up with all that navy SEAL honour and you got stuck with me.” I could not handle crying in front of this man again. I put the ring on the bed and walked into the bathroom and then shut and locked the door. “Emily,” he sounded pissed. I sat on the edge of the tub and put my face in a towel to muffle my sniffles. I heard the door handle rattle. “Go away,” I said. “You can’t just walk away in the middle of our conversation.” “I was done talking.” “I wasn’t.” I lifted my head from my towel. “I need some

alone time.” Silence for a long moment and then I heard footsteps pound down the stairs. The front door slammed. I walked to the bedroom window and watched as his black truck roared down the road. I felt bewildered as I looked around the room. I had no idea how to handle myself in this situation. What did he want from me? Nothing he was doing was making sense. I dumped one last box of clothes onto the bed, stopping short when I found a large manilla envelope at the bottom of the box. I lifted it up and examined it. In writing that I didn’t recognize, Jackson’s name was scrawled on the front. The envelope was bulky and opened. Without even thinking, I peeked inside. There was some papers and a flat journal. I chewed on my lip, knowing that I was crossing a multitude of boundaries here. I slid out the book and examined the cover. It was a flat black leather journal. It looked really old with weathered yellow pages. I flipped open the cover. “Journal of Harry Jarvais.” Harry Jarvais was Matt’s dad. Why did Jackson have Harry’s journal? Wouldn’t that be something that Matt should have, not Jackson? I looked at the cover of the envelope. Jackson’s name was written in the same scrawl. So Harry had

given this book to Jackson? Why would he have done that? Without thinking, I flipped to the next page.

Chapter 19

(Journal of Harry Jarvais) Dec 26, 1986 - My wife Irene bought me this journal for Christmas. I always said that I wanted to keep a journal but I fear that I’m not going to be that good at it. I’ll do my best. Dec 29, 1986 - Last night was a rough night at work. I responded to a domestic that was brutal. The female victim is known to the police force for both drug use and prostitution. The beating she took last night was so severe, I have no idea how she survived. Jan 5, 1987 - Tonight when my shift ended, I went to see the female victim at the hospital. Her name is Melody. Jan 7, 1987 - I went to see Melody again in the hospital. She told me that her mom died when she was eight. When she was 15, her grandmother, whom she lived with, passed on. She said she took up with a man named Wilson who eventually got her involved in prostitution. Jan 15, 1987 - Tonight Melody called me at my desk. She told me that she was being released from

the hospital but she didn’t have any place to go. She was asking my advice. Where should she go? I drove her to a grim little motel at the edge of town. I paid for her room for a week and gave her enough money to buy food . “You are the kindest man I have ever met,” she told me. She put her arms around my neck and hugged her rail thin body against mine. The scent of her hair, the soft touch of her hands around my neck, the sensation of her slight body pressing against me, drove me wild. I instantly was harder than I’ve ever been in my life. Dark forbidden thoughts about her flooded my mind. Jan 17, 1987 - After work, I swung by the motel with a few groceries. Melody was so happy to see me. I’m a 32 year old officer of the law. Melody just turned 17. This is wrong on so many levels but I can’t help it. Lately when I lay on top of Irene, I shut my eyes and it’s always Melody beneath me, intoxicating me with her smile, her eyes, and her lush ripe body. This is only going to end badly for me. Jan 26, 1987 - I have broken my vows of my marriage. I have stepped out on Irene. Tonight, against my better judgement, I stopped by to see Melody. I did not know it could be like that between a man and a woman. I’m weak. She is a teenager and yet the unbearable lust she raised in me was beyond anything I have ever experienced.

Feb 13, 1987 - I can’t seem to stop going back to see Melody, no matter how much I tell her and myself that it’s going to be the last time. I hate myself and part of me hates her but it doesn’t seem to stop my depraved behavior. The things we do together. My God. This feels like a sickness, like an addiction. I’m drowning in my lust and I can’t get enough. I can’t stop. March 10, 1987 - Melody told me tonight that she is pregnant with my child. I gave her money to terminate. She cried but she promised. Terrible thoughts of leaving Irene flood my mind. What if I left Irene for Melody and our child? I keep telling myself that this is wrong, but this thought returns again and again to my mind. March 11, 1987 - I went to the motel tonight and Melody was gone. She has disappeared. I spent most of my shift driving the streets looking for her but no one has talked to her or knows where she is. March 21, 1987 - I have spent the last 10 days looking for Melody but she has vanished into thin air. It may seem like I got away with my sins but I didn’t. The hell is that my mind replays every moment we spent together over and over again in my mind. I feel like I’m going insane. I need to forget her. She is gone. Sept 26, 1987 - Tonight Irene gave birth to Mathew. My son. I have spent every single night

since Melody has gone missing looking for her. Tonight that search ends. When I’m done writing this entry I will hide this journal in a box in the attic and I will try and forget about the girl/woman who took something from me and left without giving it back. June 22, 1993 - Seven years have passed since I’ve written in this journal. The only place that made sense to write about what happened tonight was in this book. Tonight I responded to a homicide. The female victim was shot to death. The victim was found naked in the tub, shot in the heart. It was Melody. She looked like she was asleep, her perfect features soft and beautiful even in death. I don’t know how I got through my shift. I was in shock, just going through the motions. Every time I have bedded my wife, I have needed thoughts of Melody to finish. And now she is gone. Her life was short, harsh and so meaningless. September 22, 1993 - It has been six months since I found Melody in that bathtub. Tonight I responded to a call about an out of control drunk man screaming at his apartment. As we were pulling away in the patrol car, he said, “Don’t forget the kid.” I volunteered to go back up to that shit apartment and take a look. I nosed around the place. It was a filthy putrid dump not fit for a

human to live in. Under the bed was the smallest child you could imagine. Big eyes, dirty. Staring at me with defiance. He carried a tiny little tin box which he refused to give up. We took him back to the station. Other than being filthy he looked healthy to me. He fell asleep on the hard plastic chairs in the waiting room. It was sheer curiosity that led me to look in that tin box after he had fallen asleep. And that is the moment that my life changed for the worse. Inside was a tin solider, one marble, a gum wrapper and a photo of my precious beautiful Melody holding a baby. On the back it said one word, “Jackson”. I felt sick to my stomach. This was Melody’s child. I needed to make sure he wasn’t mine. I bribed him with a hot chocolate if he let me swab his cheek. I swabbed my own, wrote up a fake report around the testing and sent it to the DNA lab. December 19, 1993 - The paternity test with the kid was positive. Melody hadn’t terminated. The kid under the bed was mine. December 26, 1993 - I have been stalking my own child. I drive past the apartment in which I found him and twice now I have seen Jackson playing by himself. He seems impervious to the cold. I have never seen him with toys or other children. He just talks to himself and is in his own world. I can’t believe that Melody left me so that she

could have this child. I know it sounds irrational, but Jackson, this snotty-nosed kid is the reason Melody left me. She chose HIM over me. I know it is not reasonable thinking, but I hate this kid with my entire heart. Because of him, I lost her. There are moments when the rage in my heart is so black and so dark I want to hurt him as badly as his mother hurt me. She left me. So my response is that I am going to forget about him and leave him in the gutter that he deserves to be in. January 28, 1994 - He is back. Jackson is back sleeping in the waiting room of our station. He is wary of me. He seems half starved. I gave him my lunch. His green eyes remind me so much of Melody. I want to slap his face for having part of her in him. I hate him. I sound stupid to even write that down but that is honestly how I feel. Hatred. February 12, 1994 - I can’t seem to stop obsessing over Jackson. I drive by his school. I check up regularly on him and Ted. When Ted is sober, he’s an incompetent completely useless guardian but harmless as well. He gets Jackson to school and once I saw Ted carry Jackson on his shoulders on the way home from school. Today I saw them playing tag in the park. Jackson was running away from Ted, laughing so hard, head thrown back. In that moment I saw his mother. He had the same carefree joy that you

want to capture but you can’t. That freedom that you long for but it is so elusive. When I see him, I just feel anger and despair. Feb 28, 1994 - Irene is livid with me. For reasons I don’t understand myself I brought Jackson home with me while Ted slept off yet another drunk in the tank. Jackson fought me tooth and nail, screaming, biting and fighting when I took him away from the police station. He was like a savage little wild animal. His eyes, they haunt me. When he looks at me - I see only her. April 9, 1994 - Jackson has become a regular feature in our home. I can tell that Irene hates this child who just stares back at her. Nothing seems to bother him. He sees everything, he says nothing. Irene says that he creeps her out, but his big greeneyed stare reminds me so much of Melody. My obsession with him rages on. So does my self hatred. August 19, 1994 - Tonight a domestic disturbance at Ted’s. The scene we found reminded me of the first night I found Melody. Ted was a raving lunatic. It took three of us to restrain him. I found Jackson beneath an overturned table. There was so much blood, I initially thought he was dead. Somehow this kid survived a beating that most grown men would not have. The doctors were devastated by his injuries but they believe he will make a full recovery. One

doctor told me that he was going to call social services. I stepped in. I can not let Jackson be taken away. He would be lost to me if he went into the system. He is my last connection to her. I told them I would handle it, but I didn’t make any calls. July 15, 1995 - Jackson has been living with us on and off for a year. Every time Ted goes ballistic, Jackson ends up in the hospital. I will admit that kid is tough as nails. Ted is as violent as they get. I feel a certain measure of guilt as an officer of the law that I am allowing such brutality to occur to a child, but then I take one look at his baby face and all I see is Melody. There is a small sick part of me that hopes maybe one time he won’t make it through one of Ted’s beatings. He is my curse, my ball and chain, my obsession. Every time he gets out of the hospital, he comes home to live with us. And when he heals, he starts to repeatedly ask to return to Ted. Like a broken record until we give in. It is our sick pattern and we are stuck in it. December 12, 1995 - Irene has accepted that Jackson is here to stay. She is dutiful in feeding him and giving him all the necessities of life that I know he isn’t getting from Ted, but that is all she gives him. She has no emotion, no feeling, no care in her heart for Jackson. All her love she lavishes on Matt. She doesn’t even look at Jackson. Irene either ignores Jackson completely or she

criticizes him. “Jackson, learn to be nice. Why can’t you be nice like Matt? You’re not a nice boy.” “Jackson you’re so bad. You will be completely unlovable if you don’t start being a better boy.” “Jackson, I don’t even know why we bother with you.” Jackson watches Irene and sometimes myself with those eyes - those eyes that drive me crazy but he never reacts. He takes what is given to him and he asks for nothing more. He displays none of the normal emotions of a child. He never cries. He never gets mad. He never shows frustration or impatience or fear. I hear him laughing with Matt but around me or Irene he is just silent and impermeable.

Chapter 20 Holy shit. I put the journal down. Jackson was Harry’s son? That meant that Jackson was Matt’s half brother. This is why Harry had brought Jackson to live with them. My mind was absolutely blown away with what I had just read. “Emily,” Jackson’s voice sounded from downstairs. I startled in shock, horrified that I was sitting on the bed, reading this private journal. I scrambled to put the journal back in the envelope and then I dropped it back in the bottom of the box. With haste, I started to fold the clothes and shove them back in the box. I could hear Jackson coming up the stairs. He would know that I had been through this box. His packing was immaculate. Doing the only thing I could think of, I picked up the box and dumped everything back on the bed just as he appeared at the door. “What are you doing?” he asked, his voice sharp. “I’m just finishing up,” I said, looking up at him, pretending not to notice the envelope that had fallen out of the box. The envelope that contained

the journal that I had just read. The journal that stated he was Matt’s half brother. He walked towards me. He captured my face in his hands and then my world was spinning with the kiss he was planting on me. I felt myself melt against him, as his fingers pushed roughly through my hair, yanking my head back. He lifted his head. “You still pissed?” Not after that kiss. I swear my knees were wobbling. I looked up at him through my eyelashes, unable to read the expression on his face. “Are you?” His eyes dropped to my mouth. “Let me finish up in here. Then we can go out for dinner.” My mind was racing. He didn’t want me to see the envelope that was now lying on top of the clothes I had just dumped out. This was proof that I had crossed a line that I should not have crossed. I had broken Jackson’s trust. Guilt. I should just confess that I had read it. I should tell him right there. I took a deep breath but lost my nerve. “Okay.” An arm around my waist yanked me hard against him. “You need to learn to finish our conversations.” “You need to learn to give me time outs,” I shot back. “Why?”

“Sometimes I need time to think.” A slow smile spread across his face. “That’s fair.” His response stunned me. I was used to Matt, who came at me so fast and furious, my only way out had been to walk out. Matt would have never agreed to give me a time out. “Okay,” I said warily, not quite believing him. He dropped another kiss on my mouth. “Why don’t you go hang out with Chloe in the backyard. It’s a beautiful afternoon. I’ll be down as soon as I’m done here.” He was going to remove the journal away from my prying eyes. God. Why was I such a coward? If there was ever a moment that I should tell him I read his journal, it was right now. “Sure,” I said easily. “See you down there.” *** Jackson took me to a seafood restaurant that had a big wooden balcony that overlooked the ocean. “Tell me about private school.” “What?” My eyes flew to his face. “You told me once that you went to private school and you were miserable.” “Why do you want to know?” He tipped his beer bottle and took a sip. “Just curious.” I looked out over the blue waves that crashed

against the shore. “After my parents died, I went to live with my granny. Everything was a shock. Living in New York. Being taken away from my home, my friends, my school. My granny had a lot of connections. She got me into one of the most exclusive schools in New York.” “What was that like?” “Terrifying. These girls had been together since preschool. Needless to say, I was an outcast from the moment I arrived.” “What happened?” I started to shred my coaster. “It was just bad.” He leaned forward, folding his arms on the table. Waiting for me to continue. “They left mean notes in my locker. Gossiped about me. Mocked me.” I flushed as I remembered coming out of the gym shower in my towel and all my clothes had been taken. “Awful pranks, like really mean. Food trays in the cafeteria would accidentally get dumped on me. Any chance they could find to humiliate me, they took it.” “Where were the teachers?” “They looked the other way.” “What?” “You have to understand. These kids were the brats of congressmen, judges and high ranking lawyers. They had as much power as their parents did just because of who their parents were.”

“Jesus, Em. What did your granny do when you told her?” I took a deep breath. “I didn’t tell her. I was so devastated by my parents death and so traumatized by everything that was going on around me, I just endured it. She took my silence and my sadness as just part of my grieving process.” “Why didn’t you tell her?” “I didn’t think she could do anything.” “What happened?” “Beth happened. She wasn’t exactly top of the food chain at that school but she held her own. She watched and saw what was going on. She tried to befriend me but at that point, I trusted no one. So, she started gathering evidence. Enough to incriminate the three worst ringleaders. And she went to the head mistress and made a complaint.” “Did it stop?” “Nope. I guess the head mistress shut her down and threatened to expel Beth.” “No shit.” “So, she showed up at the club where my granny played bridge and told her everything.” His eyes widened in admiration. “I always knew I liked Beth.” “My granny nearly lost her mind. That is when I realized just how connected my granny was. By the time she was done, the headmistress and two teachers were fired and four of the worst

perpetrators were expelled.” “Your granny was a force.” I nodded slowly. “She knew everything about everyone. She didn’t like to play the game, but when she did, she played it well.” “Did you leave that school?” “No. I graduated there. After that, I was hands off. No one so much as looked at me funny. Plus, I had Beth. After that, we became fast friends.” He leaned back, his arms crossed. Thinking. “Beth drives a shit Corolla that is older than my truck. Why was she attending that school?” “Beth’s dad is one of the most powerful people in New York. He’s a billionaire and incredibly connected.” His eyes opened wider. “And she drives a Corolla?” “She loves her parents but she refuses to take a single penny from either of them.” “Why?” “Too many strings. Her dad uses money to control everyone and everything. Beth just got sick of it. So she made her own way in life and it absolutely drives her father crazy.” He took another sip of his beer. “That’s the world you come from?” I shrugged, “Not if I can help it. But I have no interest in private preschools.” “Fair.”

The waitress dropped our plates off. We ate in silence for awhile. The food was simple but delicious. I hesitated over my question. “What about you?” “What about me?” “Why the navy?” “It was something to do.” I lifted my shoulder, not buying it. “Something to do?” “I came out of high school and I couldn’t exactly stay bunked up with Matt’s parents. College was expensive. It seemed like a challenge.” “Did you enjoy it?” He took another sip of his beer. “Boot camp sucked.” “So why a navy SEAL?” “I wanted to see if I could make it through the training.” “What was the training?” “First they put you through a physical prep school which is eight weeks. If you pass that, you move onto 24 weeks of basic underwater demolition/SEAL training. Three weeks of jump school, and then 26 weeks of SEAL qualification training.” “What does that involve?” “Why do you want to know this?”

“Just curious.” “In SQT, you learn weapons, close-quarter combat, demolitions, medical skills, cold weather training, survival, evasion, resistant and escape training.” It all sounded scary and bad. “And then you are a SEAL?” “Then we do another 18 months of individual training, unit training and then task group training.” My stupid heart was pounding. “And then they send you to fight?” “Emily,” he gave me a mild look. “What does Harper do?” There was a small flinch near his eye. “She’s part of logistics. The command center feeds us intel.” “Does she go into the field with you?” “Sometimes she’s part of the mobile base command center.” Unable to stop myself, I blurted out. “She’s beautiful.” He just looked back at me. His expression blank. “Maybe you rushed into all of this and you want to be with her?” I swallowed hard. “I want you to be happy. I think Alien would too.” He crossed his arms. “I committed to you. I told you I would make this marriage work.” I knew that he had committed to me out of

obligation. I never knew how bad that would make me feel. Yet, here I was, unable to walk away from what he was offering, even though I knew that somewhere down the line, he would break my heart completely. “I know you don’t feel the same way,” I blurted out. “I know that and I know I should leave but I can’t. Not unless you leave me first.” He stiffened. “No one is leaving anyone.” A long pause hung between us. I took a deep breath, “I’m sorry if my feelings make you uncomfortable.” “Do I seem uncomfortable to you?” “Sometimes.” Now it was his turn to look out over the ocean. His expression preoccupied. He took another sip of his beer and looked back at me. “How’s your dinner?”

Chapter 21 The following week passed quickly. Jackson told me that he was on standby. He said they spent their days either working out or preparing their equipment for their next deployment. I spent my days unpacking the rest of the boxes and making our house look like a home. Had anything been resolved or magically fixed? Not even close, but we fell into an easy rhythm that reminded me of our time in New York. One night, he drove us into Newport, the local city, and we went out for dinner and a movie. He insisted we flip a coin to decide who got to pick the movie. I won the coin toss and we ended up in a theatre full of women for a chick flick. Jackson ate most of the popcorn and about 20 minutes into the movie I looked over at him and he was asleep. “Want to go?” I whispered. His eyes remained shut but a smile played on his lips. “Nope. You enjoy.” The movie, along with my pregnancy hormones, created waterworks. I only cried harder when his big hand slipped into mine and gave it a good

squeeze. When we walked out, I enthused, “I loved that movie. It was so good.” He laughed. “What?” I said, feigning indignation. “Nothing.” But I noted that he had a smile on his face walking back to the truck. *** Another night, he took me for ice cream. On the way home, he stopped at the paint store. “What are we painting?” I asked, clueless. “Alien’s room.” “But that’s months away.” “I’ll probably be deployed then. We should do it before I leave.” “Oh,” I said looking blindly at the paint chips that were blurred by my tears. His thoughtful gesture was doing wild things to my heart, squeezing it so tight, it almost hurt. “Good idea.” “Which one do you like?” Jackson held up two blue chips. “You think we’re having a boy?” His head reared back in mock horror. “You think Alien is a girl?” “There’s a fifty percent chance Alien is a girl.” “No way.” He was confident. “Hmm,” I had an idea. “What is your favourite childhood story?”

Instantly his expression took on a wary look. “Why?” It dawned on me that maybe Jackson had never been read to as a child. “I just thought I would paint a mural on the wall.” His smile slowly spread over his face. “Alien gets his own mural?” “We could do Winnie the Poo, Peter Rabbit, The Jungle Book…” my voice trailed off as I tried to manage this conversation diplomatically. “Why don’t I find some children’s books and then we can decide.” He had a faraway gaze as he struggle to recall his memory. “My mom used to read me this book…there was this little bear and the bear family wore old fashioned clothes. There was a grandma and grandpa bear.” Pain reflected in his green eyes before he turned away. I worked to keep my emotions inside of me. “I know that series well. Those are beautiful books.” His voice sounded conflicted. “I haven’t thought about that story in years.” “You remember your mom?” “That’s my vote for a mural,” he said as he moved away towards the paint brushes. *** My only concern was the fact that Jackson came to bed after I was asleep and left the house

hours before I got up. Without the dent in his pillow, I wouldn’t know that he slept in the same bed. Everything was so tentative and fragile between us, I didn’t know what to do. Did he only want Harper now that he had seen her? Was I too inexperienced for him? The whole thing baffled me, but I had absolutely no framework in which to deal with it. I started going to bed naked in hopes that he would take the hint, but nothing changed. *** I woke up, curled up against Jackson’s naked chest, my hand on his hard abs. I lifted my head. He was lying beside me, on top of the covers, with only a towel wrapped around his waist. He was dead to the world. My hand flattened to spread over the smooth, hard muscles of his stomach. He had the most beautiful skin. My hand made one slow circle. I could feel his even breath rise and fall beneath my hand. I peeked up at him. He was very much asleep. Whenever we had sex it was crazy, intense and I was usually so blown away, I never really had the chance to explore him. Feeling a bit like I was taking advantage of him, I did another slow circle over his skin, this time, moving my hand a bit farther down. The first night I had arrived, Jackson had come to our bed and woken me up in the most intimate of

ways. My breath was slightly uneven as I contemplated returning the favour. The problem was, I had never given a blow job before. What if I did it wrong? What if he didn’t get turned on? I lifted my head and moved the towel over a smidgen. His member was there for the taking, right in front of me. I moved my head closer, pausing to make sure he was still asleep. Something dangerous was throbbing in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to try this. I lifted his length gently up in one hand, and tentatively put my tongue on it. It felt smooth. I closed my mouth around the tip, uncertain about how to proceed. I swirled my tongue around it, liking how silky it felt. I was careful as I explored with my mouth. My eyes widened as I felt it begin to grow more firm. I sucked more of him into my mouth, using my tongue and lips to delicately play with it. The bigger and stiffer it became, the more my own body responded. My stomach fluttered as a familiar yearning inflamed my body. I incorporated swallowing into my new found act. Loving that he was now fully erect and straining against my mouth. Jackson’s hips jerked up, driving him further into my mouth as two big hands wrapped around my head, holding me down. I froze, my eyes wide as his huge girth practically choked me. “Emily?” Jackson’s voice sounded strained, as

his hands released my head. I lifted my mouth off him. My voice was tiny. “Yeah?” He sat up, and then I was being hauled over on top of him, so I straddled him. “What are you doing?” he was out of breath. “Nothing.” I lied. “You looking for something?” “No.” His fingers slid between my legs. “Did you like doing that?” “Maybe.” I moaned as his fingers teased me. “Seems like you more than liked it. Did that turn you on?” “Can’t you tell?” His teeth nipped at my bottom lip. “I want to hear you say it.” I arched as one big hand slid up over my breast, strong fingers pinching my nipple. “It turned me on.” “Were you looking for this?” his big hands on his hips lifted me up and guided me. I felt his hugeness butt against my core. My head fell back and I moaned as my yielding body slid down over his huge girth. “Oh, I think someone likes it when I pull them onto my…” “Jackson!” I interrupted, slightly scandalized. He laughed, breathless. “Tell me you like it.”

My hips jerked, demanding that he start to move. He held me in place. “Say it.” My breath was erratic. “I like it.” “Oh, I think you more than like it,” his voice was low. “But there are consequences when my little wife wakes me up in the middle of the night.” My entire body shuddered in response as he pulled me harder down on him. “What do you mean?” my eyes squeezed shut as his mouth found my hard nipple. Shocks of pleasure rippled down my spine. “It means we do this my way.” I gasped as he flipped me over so I was suddenly on my hands and knees. I felt him moved behind me and then he was kicking my legs apart. Big hands held my hips and I whimpered with longing as he slowly invaded me from behind. My eyes widened in shock as intense sensations flooded my body. It felt so good, I almost couldn’t think. My entire world became incandescent as he began to slowly thrust into me. My hands clenched the duvet as he invaded me with slow ravishing strokes. “Why is this your way?” I gasped, thinking I wouldn’t mind this being my way too. Big hands gathered my hair and then he was gently tugging my head back with my hair. My back arched.

“Because sometimes, I just wants to be in charge,” he said, tugging my head back further. I groaned, shamelessly loving his erotic restraint. I felt finger tips slide sensually down my spine, while he slowly pushed in and out of me. “And sometimes I just want to fuck.” My entire body was trembling. I wanted that too. Oh did I want that. “Me too.” He laughed. “Really.” “Yeah.” My eyes were squeezed tight, I felt like my insides were molten. It felt so different in this position. Searing heat and throbbing greed was consuming me. “Say it.” At this point, I would say just about anything. “I just want to fuck.” He laughed again. “I think you mean, you want to get fucked.” “That too.” “You sure?” Wasn’t that what we were doing? “Yeah.” That wasn’t what we had been doing. Suddenly he was driving into me with blindingly raw thrusts. It was like he turned the volume up to max. I couldn’t think, I could only feel. My world went hazy, as he held my hips in place, moving at an addictive pace. Crazy wild sounds were coming out of me. I was in some sort of delicious wicked trance. He was relentless. My entire body worked

to brace against his glorious assault. He was rock hard and I was soft, he was savage and I was pliant, he invaded and I surrendered. My climax hit me with such ferocity, I almost blacked out. I writhed as a thin scream escaped out of me. His hands dropped to my hips, holding me in place, so he could continue to drive into me. My face was buried into the blankets, my body convulsing around him. It felt exquisite. “Oh fuck, I’m fucking coming,” he ground out, as he crushed up into me, his hips jerking hard. We posed there for a long, carnal moment, as he twitched inside of me. Shaking legs gave up, and I collapsed forward in a heap, unable to catch my breath. He landed beside me, on his back. “How’s Alien?” he said, breathing as hard as I was. “Absolutely perfect,” I gasped, my body shaking with aftershocks. “So?” I could hear the question in his voice. I tried to focus my vision. “I think we should do it your way all the time.” He laughed. “That’s called the SEAL way.” “I’m completely on board.”

Chapter 22 I woke up to Jackson making an omelette for us. “What are you doing today?” he asked, as he dropped a plate in front of me filled with twice as much food as I could eat. “Not sure. What are you doing?” “Well, I have a baseball game this afternoon. I thought I could prep Alien’s bedroom for painting and later, if you want, you could come and watch,” his voice was super casual. Indifferent almost. My head jerked up in surprise. “You play baseball?” “Just for fun.” The man never ceased to surprise me. “I totally want to watch.” A smile twitched at his lips. “Okay.” *** True to his word, Jackson spent the rest of the morning preparing the walls to paint. He was meticulous about taping, plastering and sanding the walls to perfection. I studied Little Bear photos off the internet and did some preliminary sketches for the mural.

Then Jackson changed into a navy blue and white trimmed baseball shirt that said, “SEAL Sluggers” across the front. He wore cleats and white pants that made his ass and legs look absolutely drool worthy. We drove to the field. I was getting more and more nervous the closer we got. Jackson parked and carried a cooler of beer and water and a lawn chair. More people than I expected crowded the sidelines. He set up the chair for me behind the high fence alongside the other lawn chairs. A group of women stood off to the side, talking and laughing. “Come on,” he said. “Let me introduce you to a few people.” The first thing I noticed was that I was way over dressed. I was wearing white and navy checkered capris pants and a sleeveless white embroidered blouse along with wedge navy cork sandals. I had matched it with an oversized navy bag. Everyone else was wearing cut off jean shorts, cotton tank tops and flip flops. Jackson grabbed my hand and tugged me over to the group of women that all fell silent as we approached. I felt my face burn hot as everyone looked me up and down. “Hey Jackson,” one of the women smiled. “Hey,” he said with a smile. “How are you all today?”

I watched as every single one of them stared up at him with various stages of awe. Yes, I was glad to see it wasn’t just me who reacted to his smile that way. “Good,” they chorused back in harmony. “I’d like to introduce you to my wife, Emily,” he said, squeezing my hand. I swallowed hard, my smile feeling frozen on my face. “Hi.” “Pleased to meet you.” “Hi.” “Hello.” They all responded in kind. Their polite smiles didn’t quite meet their eyes. “MacDog, get out here and start warming up,” some guy called from the field. He looked down at me with a teasing smile. “Are you going to cheer for my team?” I nodded solemnly. He grabbed me around the waist and tugged me hard against his body. He dropped a light kiss on my lips. “Cheer hard.” “Okay.” I watched as he grabbed his glove and then jogged onto the field. He moved with grace. I turned back to the group of women who were all staring at me like I had just sprouted a second head. “What?” I said.

The tall brunette spoke. “That was the most PDA I have ever seen from Jackson. Ever.” I blushed. “Oh.” Glances were exchanged. She tilted her head. “So, Emily. Where did you meet Jackson?” “New York.” “Is that where you are from?” “Yes. Are you from around here?” She ignored my question. “That must have been some whirlwind romance you had in New York.” It had been more like a lifetime of drama and angst in three months. “It seemed longer than three months.” I knew that was an extremely vague answer but I figured vague was better. “So did you have a big wedding?” “Just a civil ceremony.” She leaned in. “No one can quite believe he got married. Jackson has been against marriage for as long as I’ve known him.” I looked over my shoulder. Jackson was throwing the ball to a catcher. He adjusted his baseball hat and looked over at me. “I guess people change.” She gave a disbelieving laugh. “I guess so.” More looks, that I had trouble interpreting, were exchanged. The conversation moved away

from me and onto other things. It was painstaking to stand there, listening, wracking my brain to try and contribute to the conversation. Feeling too shy to say anything. “Let’s play ball,” the umpire roared. With relief, I turned and walked back to my lawn chair. *** I didn’t know anything about baseball but I was enthralled with watching Jackson. He played the game with intensity and concentration. He was the pitcher. His arm was strong, his pitch was fast and accurate. But my favourite was when he was at bat. He would step up to plate, shuffle his feet into the dirt and do one or two practice swings. With a sharp hollow crack of the bat, he sent the ball flying far into the sky that left the outfielders scrambling. Every time he went to bat, he cleared the bases. I might be biased, but I thought he was the best player out there. When the Sluggers were up 8-2 against the Army Armadillos, another pitcher was subbed in. Jackson came around the fence and squatted in front of me, a big hand on my knee, while he drank a bottle of water. “Having fun?” “You’re really good at baseball.” I leaned forward and whispered to him. “I think you’re the best player.”

He smiled. “It’s a fun game.” “Why did they take you out?” He looked over his shoulder at the substitute pitcher who was warming up. “We want everyone to have a chance to play.” “After you make sure you are up 6 points.” “Oh,” he grinned. “You’re a baseball guru now.” I leaned forward so I could whisper in his ear, loving the clean scent of his sweat. “I hope Alien gets your athletic ability.” He pulled back his head, his eyes wide. “Well, I hope Alien gets your eyes.” “I hope Alien gets your courage.” His smile was huge. “And I hope Alien gets your heart.” “MacDog are you going to sit there and flirt or are you going to play ball?” someone yelled from the bench. He openly laughed and he gave me a fast hard kiss before he walked back to the bench. I could feel the idiotic grin on my face. I glanced to the right and all the women in the lawn chairs were watching with expressions that ranged from shock to incredulous. *** The Sluggers won 8-6. The team stood around drinking a few beers while everyone packed up. As fun as the afternoon was, I could not wait to get

home and just breathe. My social anxiety was reaching an all time high. Jackson came walking over to me. “There is an impromptu BBQ in an hour for a few families on our team.” My eyes went wide. “Hey Emily,” a voice called from the side. I glanced over to see Guinness and Forbes walking by. I gave them a smile and a wave. I looked back up at Jackson who was watching me closely. I gave him my widest smile. “That sounds really fun.” “You’re such a little liar,” he grinned. “We don’t have to do this. Let’s go home.” I shook my head. I wanted nothing more than to be a good partner to Jackson. I knew that he was a lot more social than me. “I think it’ll be good.” “Yeah?” he assessed me. “You say the word, we leave.” “What should we bring?” He picked up the cooler and grabbed my hand. “Let’s ask Lauren.” Lauren was a short blonde with a pixie cut who looked harassed as she herded three kids. Jackson and I approached her. “I hear you got suckered into hosting another BBQ.” She laughed a bit breathlessly. “I figured it

might happen. This time I’m prepared.” “What can we bring?” “Nothing.” “Beer? Booze? Hamburger buns?” Jackson pushed. She nodded and smiled. “Beer is always welcome. And everyone loves potato chips.” “We’re on it.” Her eyes looked over at me, less warm, less friendly. “Great. We’ll see you both there.”

Chapter 23 The get together was happening literally down the street from our house. I changed into boyfriend jeans and a pair of flats. We left Chloe at the house and walked there. Jackson carried the beer, I carried the chips. I was so nervous, I could barely breathe. We could hear the crowd before we walked around the corner to the backyard. There had to be at least 45 people in the yard. Kids ran wild, two dogs barked and it was literally a sea of faces. A man that I recognized as the back catcher was manning the BBQ grill. He grinned at Jackson. “Coolers are over there.” Jackson and I walked over to the coolers and I stood by while he unloaded the beer into the ice filled chests. Lauren came rushing out. “Hey Jackson.” “Where do you want the chips?” “Just put them in the kitchen.” He glanced over at me. “I can do it.” “Go knock em dead,” he winked. ***

I followed her across the porch and into the kitchen. The conversation went completely dead as seven sets of female eyes turned and took me in. Cheeks on fire, I clutched my purse and the bags of chips. “You can just set that on the table.” Lauren’s voice wasn’t exactly friendly. Silence followed me as I walked across the room and put the chips on the corner of the table. I put my best smile on my face and turned back to the group that was standing there staring at me. Lauren stepped forward and introduced me quickly. Misty. Terra. Olivia. Brenda. Angela. Charlotte. Poppy. Yes that was her actual name. Poppy. “Pleased to meet you,” I said with a smile that felt pressed on. Their smiles felt as forced as my own. Charlotte, a tall woman with curly dark hair spoke, “So, you’re from New York?” “I am. Where are you from?” She ignored my question. “So, how did you meet Jackson?” I had not mentally prepared myself for this line of questioning. I didn’t think stating that I was originally engaged to his brother would go over well. “Well…um…I met him through a mutual acquaintance.” They all just stared at me.

I felt compelled to continue. “And my car broke down and he fixed it.” “And all that led to marriage in three short months,” she stated, looking around at the group. “That is remarkable.” Everyone laughed. She looked me up and down. “How old are you?” “24.” “You look a lot younger than that.” I switched gears, looking over at Lauren who was counting paper plates. “Lauren, can I help you with anything?” “No thanks.” Lauren didn’t even look at me. Brenda was speaking to me. “So have you ever dated anyone in the military before?” “No.” “It’s not easy being married to a solider.” My lips parted but I had no idea how to respond to that. “Jackson is a SEAL. How do you think you will deal with him being gone for months at a time, knowing that his life is at risk every single minute that he is gone.” I felt the blood drain out of my face. They were speaking to my greatest fears. “I don’t know.” “My guy, at least, is on a boat. I have no idea how you sleep at night.”

I was completely unprepared for this conversation. “Jackson said they train for every situation.” Brenda half smiled at me. “Well, I’m just glad that it isn’t my man doing a HALO jump out of the back of a plane in the middle of the night and landing in the middle of enemy territory before engaging in a gun fight with maniac terrorists.” “What’s a HALO jump?” my heart was pounding at the vision of Jackson parachuting into enemy territory. “It might be better if you don’t know.” Lauren looked over her shoulder. “Misty can you toss the salad? Poppy you want to help me mix up this dressing?” “I can help with something,” I said, feeling desperate to extract myself out of this conversation. Lauren shook her head. “No thank you. Brenda can you wash that bowl over there?” I knew when I was being excluded. “May I please use your washroom?” “Head straight upstairs. First door on the right.” *** I stood looking in the bathroom mirror, dreading going back downstairs. Wondering how I was going to get through the rest of the night. I crept down the stairs and I could hear the conversation in full force.

“Did you see what she wore to the baseball game?” “Oh we saw. Pretty high and mighty.” “I’m pretty sure her bag was Prada.” “As if a 24 year old is walking around with a Prada bag. If it was, it was definitely a fake.” “Maybe she’s rich and that is why Jackson married her.” “Nope. I bet she is just money hungry and thinks that marrying a navy SEAL is her ticket to a lush life. She has no idea how hard it is to be a military wife.” “Well what about their PDA at the ballgame? When he grabbed her and kissed her, I swear the group of us almost swooned.” “Oh my God that was hot.” More laughter. I recognized Lauren’s voice. “Harper told me that her and Jackson are still running together.” I froze at that comment. “Shut the front door.” “Holy shit.” Yes, my sentiments exactly. My heart was pounding. “Harper is heart broken. They were talking marriage. And he came back married…to that child.” “If I were Harper, I would lose my mind over this.”

“Harper doesn’t think this marriage will last.” “What do you mean?” “She said her and Jackson have been talking and that this marriage is pretty much doomed.” “So, she is just bidding her time than.” “Wouldn’t you?” “It baffles me. How do you break up the perfect relationship and after three months, come back married to a stranger?” Silence. “Maybe he knocked her up?” “Do you think?” “No way. Remember when June dated him? She said he was religious about birth control. She was on the pill and he always used a condom.” “Harper told me the same thing. She said he was beyond fanatical about birth control.” “Well regardless, he made a huge mistake. She is a total wanna be trying to act like she is better than everyone else. I’m definitely on Team Harper.” “Jackson is so hot. Emily is cute but he is way out of her league. This is never going to last.” “Sounds like he is already regretting this. According to Harper.” So much emotion was coursing through me, I could barely see. Private school 101. Never let the haters see you in pain. I walked around the corner. I looked around the room at all eight women.

Charlotte and Brenda openly stared back. The rest had the grace to avoid my gaze. It was obvious I was standing in the middle of an enemy camp. I knew from experience that it was better to retreat than anything else. I would never get a fair trial in this crowd. I had no defence. No way to retaliate because almost everything they had said was the truth. All I wanted to do was run. I lifted my chin, and walked to the door, my head held up high. I don’t know what possessed me, but I paused and I looked over my shoulder. “Who thought my bag was Prada?” They all just stared at me. I had hung around enough rich snobs to know how to take a shot back. It wasn’t my style but I couldn’t bear to walk out of yet another room with my tail between my legs. “It was actually a Hermès Birkin.” I paused thoughtful. “I don’t really like Prada bags. They sometimes come across as a bit kitsch, don’t you think?” I somehow managed a smile, hiding the fact that my insides were melting and I was about a heartbeat from breaking down. “Looks like you don’t need my help. See you out there.” *** My eyes scanned the backyard for Jackson. I

wanted to leave the BBQ now. I spotted him standing drinking a beer and talking to two men. My mind was reeling over the conversation I had just heard. Jackson had been running with Harper? I had a vision of them alone on some isolated running path, both of them moving with grace and athletic beauty. I had no idea how to even process that. Were they planning on getting back together? What was their end game? Why had he asked me to trust him when he was still seeing her? I stood there in the middle of the lawn unsure what to do. Did I ask him about it? Maybe those women were just being unkind? Maybe there was some rational explanation? “Hey Emily. You look lost.” I felt dazed. I looked around to see Forbes and Guinness smiling at me. Unsure of my next moves in the next five seconds, much less the rest of my life, I turned to them. “Hey.” “Where is your drink?” Forbes looked at my empty hand. “I’m good right now.” “We were just talking about your husband’s river monster experience.” My mind recalled a fishing show…about deadly fish. “River monster?” “This is a crazy story.”

“Totally crazy,” Forbes added. “What happened?” I asked, wanting to buy some time to just calm my nerves. I felt so anxious, I was almost vibrating. They shared a glance. Guinness hesitated. “You can tell me,” I said with a bright fake smile. “I’m totally up for a story about Jackson.” Especially one that didn’t involve a certain exgirlfriend. He grinned at me. “Well, we were on a mission and we needed to do an approach via water. So we were eyeballs deep in this huge nasty black river. I’m telling you, it was all kinds of awful. It wasn’t quite night, but definitely on the dark side. Suddenly, MacDog signals for us to stop moving.” Guinness had my full attention. “It was highly unconventional for MacDog to direct us to halt the mission. So we all stopped and MacDog just slowly sinks under the water. We can’t see him. There are some ripples but nothing else. He is gone for over a minute. The rest of us are just looking at each other wondering what the fuck he is doing. He comes back to the surface and pushes this huge rope away from him.” Guinness’ big arms demonstrated the motion. He paused. “Except that wasn’t a rope. It was a 14 foot dead anaconda. The biggest snake I have ever seen.” “Fucking huge,” Forbes added. My hand covered my mouth. I had no words.

Guinness was almost laughing. “Apparently this snake had wrapped itself through his legs and was making its way around his waist, so he went underneath the water so he could kill it quietly. Not a single splash. MacDog is such a beast.” “I fucking hate snakes,” Forbes said. “I probably would have screamed like a little kid.” I stared at them in horrified fascination. “What was he doing in the river where there were snakes?” They looked at each other. “Well, that was just part of the mission.” My mind played the image of Jackson, his face painted like a warrior, coming out of the water, silent and deadly so that he could approach some enemy camp and engage in a deadly fight. It scared me so much, it took my breath away. Blame it on my hormones or my own personal fear of Jackson dying, or the fact that I was so over my head at this BBQ but my eyes filled with tears. I looked at the sky and blinked, mortified that I was crying in front of Jackson’s buddies. “Oh shit,” Forbes said. I gave a half laugh. “Sorry. Just ignore me. I cry all the time.” Forbes punched Guinness in the arm. “Brilliant dude.” Guinness looked horrified. “Please don’t tell Jackson we told you the snake story. If he knows I

made you cry he’ll kill me.” I gave a watery laugh. “It’s totally fine. I won’t tell him.” Guinness and Forbes just stared at me. I felt like an idiot. “I think I am just going to grab some food.” They both looked like I had taken them off death row. “Sure. Great idea.”

Chapter 24 This BBQ was painful. I desperately wanted to tell Jackson that I wanted to leave, but between getting ostracized by the wives and then crying in front of his buddies, dragging him away before the food had been served would kill all hope of me ever being accepted by this group. With resignation, I moved to get in line at the buffet table. I was too stressed to eat, but I dutifully put a few carrot sticks on my plate and a couple potato chips but I avoided the burgers and salads. There was no way I could choke that down. I was already feeling incredibly uptight. I stood in the middle of the yard looking for Jackson. “Don’t tell me you’re on a diet,” a voice said from beside me. “Because you’re absolutely tiny.” I turned and looked up. The owner of the voice was average height and built, with a blond crew cut. He had a wide smile with great teeth. “Not really hungry.” He leaned forward and said quietly, “I get it.” “Get what?”

He shrugged and took a bite of his burger. “My little sister is shy too. She can’t eat in crowds.” I peered up at him. “You think I’m shy.” He winked. “I know it.” I picked up one of the potato chips and started to nibble on the edge. “How?” You’re kind of wandering around, trying to not look like you don’t know anyone. If you weren’t shy, you would be three feet thick in all the women talking, but you seem to be avoiding them, so you either don’t know them or you don’t like them.” Our eyes met. “Or both,” he said with a cheeky smile. He looked at my plate. “And you have about 45 calories on your plate, probably most of which you won’t eat.” I let out a big sigh. “Okay. I’m shy.” He laughed. “I know.” I looked up and my heart literally stopped when I saw Harper walking across the lawn. I had forgotten how tall she was. Her long lean legs were clad in white jeans and her navy silk shirt showed off the perfect amount of cleavage. Her long blonde hair was artfully styled. I was completely caught off guard that she would come to the BBQ. She stopped to say something to someone. She was acting like she didn’t have a care in the world. Complete confidence. It was kind of like watching a train wreck

except the wreck was my own life. Jackson was talking to two guys and he didn’t see her coming but he must have sensed her because he turned and glanced at her. She still hadn’t acknowledged him. Jackson looked back to his guy friends and then while saying something to the guys in front of him, he gave her a second longer sideways glance. Holy fuck. It was like watching the hottest foreplay in the world. The guy beside me spoke. “I see you’re noticing Jackson and Harper. They’re hard not to miss.” “You know them?” He took another bite of his burger. “Not personally. That dude has a reputation though.” “What kind of reputation?” “Tough as nails. Revered in the field as one of the best. Super intense. He’s in his own league. I’ve heard stories about him that would blow your mind.” “Like what?” “Just stuff that no one else even thinks of doing because it seems impossible but he does it with ease.” I watched as Jackson turned and studied Harper as she walked over to him. Jesus they looked good together. They looked like they were made for each other. So perfect and beautiful in their own way. The chemistry sizzled between them. Jackson

said something to her and she threw her head back and laughed. He smiled down at her. His buddies slowly drifted away, leaving the two of them alone. She said something to him and he smiled again. They never broke eye contact. “What about her?” I asked through numb lips. “They dated for years. I heard they broke up but obviously they’re back together.” “Obviously?” “Look at them. Smoking hot between them.” I watched as Harper tilted her beautiful face up to his as she spoke and one elegant hand went to rest on his arm. Jackson didn’t move to shake it off. He didn’t step back. He just stood there smiling down at her. I can’t really describe the look on his face. It was just the way his eyes kind of traced over her face that made me feel really bad. Jackson leaned in closer and said something to her and she gave him this knowing look that made my heart pound in my throat. “She’s beautiful, too,” I added, as a cold sweat broke over my entire body. I deliberately turned away. I didn’t want to watch nor did I want anyone catching me watching. Tall blonde guy shrugged. “I’m going through BUDs training. I’m going to be a SEAL one day.” I was having trouble focusing on him. “I think that’s a really dangerous job. You might want to rethink that.”

“You sound exactly like my sister.” “She sounds awesome.” He laughed. “Want a bite of my burger?” I looked up at him. And then shrugged. “Okay.” I thought he would hand it to me, but instead he held the burger up to my lips. I leaned forward and took a bite. Juicy goodness flooded my tastebuds. I moaned. “That’s good,” I said, talking with my mouth full. He was staring at me, in half fascination. He touched the side of his lip. “You’ve got some ketchup.” I wiped my face. “Good?” He shook his head and stepped a bit closer. He reached forward to wipe it off, a smile on his face. “It’s actually right here.” A huge hand grabbed his wrist. “Kindly keep your fucking hands off my wife,” Jackson growled. My new friend froze as he looked up at Jackson. “Wife?” “Beat it,” Jackson snarled. Blonde dude backed up, almost tripping over a lawn chair before making a hasty escape. I opened my mouth to give him a piece of my mind. Of course he had to come by and man handle the one person willing to talk to me.

He grabbed me by the arm and started steering me through the crowd. “What are you doing?” I hissed, as my two carrots bounced off my plate. He ignored me and directed more than suggested me around the side of the house. On the front lawn I shook off his grip. “What are you doing?” I looked at him, fully pissed. “I turn my back for a second and some skinny kid is busting a move in front of all of our friends?” “Your friends,” I spat. “And for your information, he was the only one willing to talk to me.” “He was hand feeding you,” he loomed over me. Inordinately pissed. “I look up and some dude is hand feeding my wife in front of everyone to see.” “He offered me a bite of his burger.” “There is fifty fucking burgers on that grill. Why eat his?” “He knew. He knew the moment he saw my plate what was going on.” His eyes narrowed in incredulous disbelief. “Excuse me?” I wiped a tear off my cheek. “I’m shocked that you had time to pull yourself away from Harper to even fucking notice.” His head reared back like I had slapped him. “I

have no idea what you are talking about.” I backed away from him, holding up my hands. “I need a time out.” He shook his head. “No. No fucking way.” “Time. Out.” I yelled. “Time fucking out.” I walked as fast as I could back to our house. I was so hurt, so devastated by the entire experience, I couldn’t even think. I slammed into the house and paced in the kitchen. This marriage was a colossal mistake. It was so apparent that Jackson still wanted Harper. I was the third wheel in my own marriage. What was I even doing here? He had committed to me, but he didn’t want to be with me. The front door slammed and then Jackson was striding into the house behind me. “Sit,” he pointed at the kitchen table. “My time out isn’t over yet,” tears leaked out of my eyes. He stood staring at me, his arms crossed. My time out was over. I walked over to the table and sat down feeling defeated. He leaned against the kitchen counter, his arms crossed over his hard chest. “You’re driving me fucking crazy, you know that?” His words were measured. As if he was trying to control himself. “This marriage isn’t real.” I informed him. He gave a half laugh. “Sweetheart, this is about

as real as it gets.” “This marriage was a big mistake.” He pushed off the counter and walked away from me. His hands were on his hips. He looked up at the ceiling. This was his calm down move. “I saw the two of you together.” Words blurted out of me. He turned and looked at me. “I watched her approach you at the BBQ. How you did the big double looks at her and you couldn’t stop staring at her. And she put her hand on your arm and you just smiled down at her with that look on your face.” He scrubbed one big hand over his face. “Jesus.” Neither of us spoke. Finally he did. “Harper and I have a lot of history.” “She loves you and I think you love her.” “Just stop.” He walked away from me, running both his hands through his hair. He turned towards me. “I’m trying so hard here, Emily, I really am.” “Why are you trying?” I threw my hands up in frustration. “Because we’re married.” “We don’t have to be,” my voice was surprisingly calm. He squeezed his eyes shut as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Fuck.” He glowered. “How come you get under my skin so bad? No one can drive me fucking insane quite like you can.” “Well just go back to perfect Harper then. You two are so in love and you obviously miss each other so much. Just leave me out of it.” He look absolutely speechless for a moment. His hands were on his hips and he just stared at me. “No.” “What?” “No. You and I are married.” “Jackson.” He pointed at me. “You committed to me. Before the court of law, you vowed your commitment.” We stared at each other. “What do you want from me?” he sounded bewildered. “Just tell me.” I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to want Alien and me in his life. I wanted him to not still love Harper. I wanted to know this man who stood before me. The man who knew how to play baseball. The solider who killed snakes in the river. The man that everyone seemed to know except me. The silence was broken by the sound of his cell phone ringing. He momentarily shut his eyes and then picked up his phone. “Hunter…..yup….got it….yup.”

He tossed his phone on the counter. “I just got called into work.” All the fight went out of me. I bowed my head. “Okay.” He walked over and sat down kitty-corner from me. “I’ll be gone two weeks max. It isn’t actually our mission. We are just providing tertiary support.” I nodded. Feeling so unbelievably bad. He leaned forward on his chair and grabbed my hands in his. “We’re not done this conversation. I need you to be here when I get home.” I stared sadly at him. “Emily,” he said softly. “Can you do that for me?” I nodded. He let out a big breath. “Thank you.” *** I remained at the kitchen table. Then Jackson was coming down the stairs, wearing his fatigues and carrying his duffle bag. He looked impossibly big and tough. He stood looking at me for a long moment. “Remember your promise.” I wondered, for the hundredth time, why he worked so hard to keep me here. He stood looking at me for a long moment and then he was gone. *** I sat at that kitchen table for a long time while

questions battled my mind. Was I doing the right thing? Was I crazy to stay here? Why did he even want me to stick around? It was so obvious he loved her. I did not understand Jackson. He was still such a mystery to me. You know when you know that you shouldn’t do something, but you do it anyways? I’m not going to defend my actions or justify them in anyway. I grabbed a flashlight and walked upstairs. I needed a chair to pull the stairs down from the attic. It took me 45 minutes but I finally found where Jackson had hidden the journal. I needed to find out more about my husband.

Chapter 25

(Journal of Harry Jarvais) February 9, 1998 - Jackson and Matt are both 10 years of age. Jackson spends close to half his time with us. Matt and him play like brothers but Irene is a bitch in her treatment of Jackson. The other day, I came home early from work and without any of them knowing I was there, I stood watching the three of them at the dinner table. Matt deliberately knocked over Jackson’s milk when Irene was not looking. Irene walked over to Jackson and slapped him hard across the face and she said, “You’re a hateful horrible child. There is a reason why no one can love you.” Instead of intervening I walked back out of the house. February 2, 2001 - Three years have passed. Irene’s verbal slights towards Jackson are hard to stomach. “Jackson you are not a nice person.” “Jackson, only people who are worthy of love get loved. Learn to be worthy.” “Jackson, no one is every going to love you in life if you continue to be so bad.”

He is 13 years old and completely untouchable. When she speaks, it is as if he doesn’t even hear her. I watch him so close, for any flinch, any reaction from him, but it as if she is speaking on a frequency he doesn’t hear. He doesn’t defy her with his looks anymore. He carries on with whatever he is doing as if she isn’t speaking. I’m not sure he is capable of feeling emotion. Perhaps all the violence he experienced as a child made him incapable of feeling. July 9, 2003 - Something shocking happened today. Two gentlemen claiming to be Jackson’s baseball coaches appeared at our house after dinner. Apparently Jackson has been playing baseball since he was 6. The two men told us that Jackson was gaining a lot of interest with scouts. I told them that Ted was their legal guardian and he should be the one consulted. July 15, 2003 - I couldn’t help myself. I went to one of Jackson’s baseball games. Jackson was exceptional out there. What was even more shocking was watching Ted in the stands. He was completely sober and looked as cleaned up as I have ever seen him. He was keeping track of statistics on a pad, he called out encouraging words to all the players, all of whom he knew by name. I could see his hands. He was shaking. It was costing him a lot to be sober for this but he was doing it. After the game, Jackson walked over to

Ted and they sat down and looked at his pad of paper. Together they were discussing the statistics. I felt a sense of loss that I didn’t understand. Without either of them seeing me, I left. September 5, 2003 - Jackson is 16 and is spending more and more time with Ted. There have been almost no trips to the hospital. Ten days ago, when the familiar address came over the CB radio, my heart stopped. Domestic disturbance. I was the first one on the scene and I was shocked to see that it was Jackson sitting on the couch. Ted was hospitalized for three days. I hustled Jackson out of there but it was a lucky escape. If anyone had caught Jackson there, it would have been a huge mark against him and my family. We don’t need people asking questions. October 10, 2003 - Jackson and Ted were again in a fight. This time he didn’t even call the cops, he just called me. Jackson told me that Ted had threatened to come to my house and hurt Irene and Matt. Something has to be done. Someone is going to get hurt and I’m going to make sure that is isn’t my wife or my son. October 24, 2003 - Ted came into the drunk tank tonight, completely incoherent. I waited until it was the middle of shift and no one was around. Using my baton I hit Ted on the back of the head. He wasn’t breathing. I rolled him onto the floor onto his back. His body was discovered during

shift change. They ruled it an accident. Now on top of being a liar, a cheater, a person who has forsaken his own child, I have now also become a murderer. October 25, 2003 - I brought Jackson out to the porch after dinner. I calmly told him that Ted had fallen in the drunk tank and had died. Jackson’s reaction shocked me. He sat there and stared at me for a long time and then he cried. In the entire time I have known Jackson I have never once seen him cry. Even when he was a tiny child with broken bones enduring incredible pain, I never once saw him shed a single tear. He has been so hard to read, so unemotional all these years, I actually believed that he was incapable of emotion. I have never seen him lose his temper. I have never seen him get angry or upset. He has never lost control. I sat there while he wept, inconsolable and unable to speak. For some reason I thought that he would be happy. This deep intense sorrow baffled me. He didn’t want to talk. He just wanted to be left alone. I told Matt and Irene to not disturb him. October 26, 2003 - Jackson was gone when we woke up. He left no note. Four days before his 16th birthday and he has disappeared. October 30, 2003 - Today Jackson turns 16. He is still missing. For someone as quiet and silent as him, the house seems empty without him. He seems to have sucked all the life out of our family.

None of us wanted him. Some of us loved to hate him and now that he is gone, it feels like we don’t know what to do with ourselves. Once again I’m driving the streets every single night, looking for someone I’m not sure I want back. All I know is that I won’t stop looking for Jackson. History seems to repeat itself. December 21, 2003 - When we woke up Jackson was home. He never said anything about where he had been and we didn’t ask. I think we were all so glad that he was back, we just went back to pretending that he hadn’t left. The house seems lighter with him in it. As I write this, I can hear him and Matt talking as they play pingpong in the garage. The house seems to have come alive again. I don’t understand my feelings nor do I want to. But I feel like somehow along the way I have made the worst mistake of my life. January 31, 2004 - Something has changed in Jackson. He is withdrawn. He told me that he is no longer interested in playing sports. We have had no less than four coaches show up at our house, but he is indifferent. He will not play. He will not try out for teams. He said he would rather work. He got a job at a local garage working as an assistant mechanic. He seems to spend all his time there working. His marks are exceptional. It feels like he is mourning. He has pulled away from us and everyone in the family can feel it. Somehow he has

learned to retreat behind some invisible wall. He’s as untouchable as I remember his mother to be. My anger that I held onto all these years has faded to deep pain. I feel a sense of loss that I can’t really understand. October 30, 2004 - Jackson turned 18 today. In the eleven years that he has been part of our family, not once do I recall us ever celebrating his birthday. Irene baked him a cake. He just sat there looking at the candles with this look on his face that was impossible to read. He cut the cake, dutifully handed us all pieces and we ate together. Then he announced that he was joining the navy. He politely thanked both Irene and myself for our charity. At the door, he just looked at me for a long moment. Then we shook hands and he walked out of the house. I am sitting here with my scotch and I feel a sense of loss that is so big it is hard to even comprehend. We all know that he is not coming back. November 4, 2007 - It has been three years since we have seen Jackson. He left a teenager and came back a man. He towered over me. I took him out on my boat to fish. I didn’t have the courage to tell him that I was his father. But I did apologize for allowing him to live with Ted and get hurt by that man’s hands. I told him that I should have had him live with us full time and that I should have been a

better father to him. I asked him to forgive me. And asked him if he had it in his heart to give me another chance to be his surrogate father. He just stared at me, with those eyes. And he didn’t speak for the longest time. Then when he spoke to me, he spoke to me like a man. He said, “Ted was a messed up, fucked up loser who couldn’t keep his shit together if he tried but he was a thousand times more the father you ever were to me. You had me in your home half of the time, but Ted made more of an effort with me in a single day than you made with me in 11 years. You had your chance. My father is dead, he died in a drunk tank.” When we got back home, he packed up his gear and with a polite apology to Irene, he left our home without once making eye contact. November 11, 2007 - I look back on the last 21 years of my life and all I see is how much I wasted. How much I lost. Jackson, despite my intentions, turned out to be a remarkable human being. He was right. I had my chance. I had my chance with him. I had my chance with his mother. Tonight, after Irene goes to bed, I’m going to drink several glasses of my best scotch. I’m going to smoke that cigar that I have been saving. And then I’m going to take 10 of my heart medication pills that I am fairly certain will stop my heart. Although I’m

pretty sure it stopped beating the night Melody left me.

Chapter 26

(Letter to Jackson from Harry) Jackson, I’m sorry I was such a coward. I’m sorry I never admitted that you were actually my son. I don’t blame you for not forgiving me. It was an unfair request. You need to know that I loved your mother, Melody, with all my heart. She was the most intoxicating woman I have ever met in my life. And I should have never let her go. I should have never let either of you go. Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about how different the circumstances of your life and mine would have been if I had been more courageous in my life. This journal is yours. Even if you don’t want it, even if you don’t read it - it is yours to do with as you wish. I have two (possibly unfair) requests of you. First, please remove this journal and do not let Irene or Matt know the truth about me. I think my death will be traumatic enough for them, finding out that I am an adulterer and a murderer would only do more damage. I have also included the DNA records that prove that you are my son.

Although it seems unfair that I give you proof and then ask you not to share that with anyone. My second request is that you find it in your heart to be a son to Irene and a brother to Matt. I know that Irene has treated you reprehensibly. She is a cold woman and she is hard to love but I know that in her own way she loves you. Please don’t abandon her. And Matt, I’m afraid takes after his mother (but better her than myself.) He has the tendency to be selfish and controlling. I think you were a very good influence on him. I hope you find it in your heart to be their rock. They will need you. Never doubt that. I could have destroyed this journal and these records and you would have never been the wiser, but I am tired of the lies and tired of this burden I have carried for so long. So I pass onto you these records. This is the account of your life before you might remember it. Jackson you have grown up to be a man that makes me proud. You live with courage and strength and I think Melody would have been so proud of you. I don’t know if you remember your mother, but you are the spitting image of her. Never forget that she chose you. She put your first. She loved you. You reminded me of her every single day. And you bore my grief every single day too. And for that, I apologize with my

entire heart. Your loving father, Harry Jarvais

Chapter 27 I couldn’t believe what I had just read. I now understood why Jackson had hid this journal. Holy fuck. Matt’s father had murdered Ted in cold blood. I felt sick to my stomach. Horrified. Even worse was the realization that I had read this journal without Jackson’s permission and the huge magnitude of that fact overwhelmed me. He must never find out that I had read this. My heart nearly broke over the idea of a 15 year old Jackson, crying over Ted’s death. Ted’s tyrannical physical abuse over Jackson was inexcusable but he had also managed to somehow still form a bond with him at the same time. It staggered me that Ted had attended every single one of Jackson’s baseball games. And made sure that he was sober for all of them. It appeared that Ted had been the only adult in Jackson’s life who had attempted to parent him. I tried to remember everything that Matt had told me about his father, Harry Jarvais. He spoke so highly of him. The stern yet loving police officer who seem so reserved in his feelings yet showed his love in odd ways towards Matt. Yet at the same

time, he allowed his other son to be at the hands of not one but two abusers and he stood back and did nothing to stop it. For a fierce moment, I was glad that he was dead. If he was alive, there is no way I would ever be able to forgive him. Don’t even get me started on wicked Irene who was as evil and cold-hearted as they came. The things she said to Jackson, the way she spoke to him. Her heartless, callous abuse towards Jackson had been difficult to read. She was as bad as Ted, if not worse in her psychological warfare against such a young boy. Dear God. It explained so much about Jackson. His only defence against her bullying had been to have absolutely no reaction at all. The only way he could endure her reign of terror was to just pretend it wasn’t happening. Now as an adult, when Jackson was faced with really intense situations, he had the stunning ability to turn off all his emotions and not react on any level, leaving in his wake an indifferent and impassive solider, ready to take action. Now I understood why. He had years of practice. I lay on the bed and thought about everything. Jackson acted like he didn’t care about ending things with Harper but perhaps he cared deeply. At this point, I had even less understanding of what he was feeling. My only hope now was that he would find it in his heart to fall in love with Alien. That

he would be able to give and receive this child’s love. That would almost be enough for me. I could love him. And if he loved our child, I figured that we could somehow make this work. I got a chair and pulled down the stairs to the attic. I put the journal back in the attic in the hiding place that I had found it and prayed that Jackson never found out that I had betrayed him and his trust. I needed to tuck that away and forget that I ever saw it. I took a hot shower and then let Chloe out in the backyard. When I called her, she didn’t seem to want to come in. She was eating something. Annoyed, I marched onto the cool grass in my barefeet and yanked her back into the house by the collar. *** I woke up to the sound of puking. Chloe was lying on the bathroom floor panting. There was blue vomit beside her. She lifted her head weakly and wagged her tail with two weak thumps. “Oh shit,” I said in a complete panic. I drove like a complete maniac to Newport to the animal hospital. The vet immediately rushed Chloe to an examination room. “Do you know what she ate?” “She was eating something in the backyard before we went to bed. I didn’t really pay attention.”

He started an IV line for Chloe. “Based on the fact that her puke was blue, I’m almost certain it is rat poison.” *** I sat by Chloe while the vet continuously monitored her. The only person I wanted to talk to was Jackson. I had no idea if he would get my text but I sent one anyways. Me: Chloe and I are at the vet. She woke up vomiting. The vet said she has been poisoned. Five minutes later, my phone rang. “Emily. What’s going on?” I could hear a rumbling in the background. He sounded like he was on a plane. I explained to him that Chloe had been poisoned by rat poison. “What?” his voice sounded incredulous. “Someone did this deliberately. This meat was in the middle of our backyard. Chicken laced with poison. Someone wanted to hurt Chloe.” “Who would want to do that?” “I don’t know, a dog hater?” “Are you sure it wasn’t dragged into our yard by some other animal?” I had never seen another animal in our yard before. “I don’t know.” “Just don’t jump to any conclusions, okay?” “Okay.” A long pause. “Emily, I’m so sorry. I wish I

was there and I wish I could talk more but I really have to go. Let me know how Chloe is, okay?” “Okay.” It was a long night, but by morning, Chloe was standing up on the examination bed and stretching. “It looks like she is going to be fine,” the vet said, “Keep her close to home and when she goes outside, be sure to keep a close eye on her.” “Do you think this was accidental?” The vet sighed. “I want to tell you yes but the truth is, I have seen all sort of sick things that people do to animals. Maybe someone left out the chicken for some rats and was careless about it, maybe another animal dragged it into your yard, I don’t know. But you need to be vigilant in watching her. Never let your dog eat anything from outside. When she goes out to your backyard, be sure to go out there with her.” “Okay.” *** Chloe was moving pretty slow. We got home and she went straight upstairs to go to sleep. I cleaned up the vomit, careful to use rubber gloves. Then I had a shower. I was so exhausted. I was just about to lie down when my phone rang. It was my relator in New York. “Hey Jean.” “Hi Emily.” “How’s it going?”

“Well, I was wondering if you changed your mind about selling the loft?” “No, why?” “Well, I went there yesterday afternoon to do a viewing and the locks on the loft were changed. We couldn’t get in.” I went completely still. “Excuse me?” “I even double checked my keys and the key wouldn’t even go into the lock. We could hear music playing inside. I wasn’t sure if you changed your mind…” “Wait,” I stopped her. “You heard people inside?” “Yes.” “Coming from the loft? My loft.” “Yes.” I stood there still for a long moment. “I’ll get back to you okay?” “Thanks Emily. I knew this was just a big misunderstanding.” I hung up. Who was living in my loft? I had heard about squatters who took up residence in empty property but I could not believe that anyone would do that to my place. I looked at Chloe who was lying on the foot of the bed looking more than just a bit pathetic. I called my lawyer who told me that we needed to investigate but if we wanted to do an eviction I needed to be present. My lawyer also told me that

if the people in my loft had been there more than 30 days we had a bigger problem on our hands, as they might be able to claim squatter rights. “What does that mean?” “It means, if they are there longer than 30 days, without protest from you, they legally have the right to stay there without your consent. And by law we will be unable to evict them.” “Is that a joke?” “I would advise you get down to New York as soon as possible.”

Chapter 28 I hated to leave Chloe behind, but I felt even worse traveling with her in this state. I brought her to a dog sitter that I found online, a wonderful older woman who said that she would baby Chloe like she was her own. She promised that she wouldn’t let Chloe out of her sight and that if there was any sign of trouble, she would rush Chloe to the vet. I looked at Chloe who had already made herself at home, lying on the floor beside the couch. After double checking to make sure that the woman had my cell phone and the name of the vet, I crouched down beside Chloe in tears. “I won’t be longer than two days.” The woman patted my shoulder. “She’s going to be fine. You can call anytime to check up on her.” *** I left my car at the dog sitter’s and took a cab to the airport with only a carry on and booked the first flight I could to New York. Once in New York, I rented a car at the airport and drove straight to the loft. Just as my realtor had indicated, my keys to the loft didn’t work either. I couldn’t believe it.

I went back to my rental car and called my lawyer. “I’m at my loft. My key doesn’t work. I have no idea what to do.” “When is the last time you were at the loft?” “I did a walk through with my relator about three weeks ago. It was empty then.” “Well, we can get a locksmith over there. And get you into the place. Legally, you have full rights over the place.” “Okay.” I watched as the garage door opened. “Wait. Someone is coming back to the loft.” I watched from my rental car in shock as Julie and Matt pulled into the garage in Matt’s car. “It’s Matt,” I said in complete shock. “You know who is squatting in your place?” “It’s my ex-fiancé. He used to live there with me. I had his stuff all moved out a few weeks ago when I had the place staged. But it looks like he’s living there with…a friend of mine.” Silence screamed down the line. My lawyer cleared his throat. “Oh. How long did you two live together?” “We moved in together in October of last year. We lived together about 8 months.” “So did your ex-fiancé ever pay rent or help pay for the mortgage?” “No. I bought the place outright. Matt never

contributed to any of the bills.” “Was the water bill or electricity bill ever in his name? Any of the utilities?” “No.” “Okay, and you are certain that the place was empty a few weeks ago.” “I shipped Matt’s stuff to another address and my landlord had the place staged. We walked through the loft about three weeks ago. It was completely empty and the locks worked. We took a lot of pictures.” “That’s perfect. From a legal stand point, you have full right to enter the place and have all of their stuff physically removed.” “I do?” I could hear the fear in my voice. “How do I do that?” “Call a locksmith. Have movers waiting. Have them move everything out and you can either remove it to a dump or have them put it in some storage locker.” “What if they come back while this is going on?” “Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.” “Seriously?” “Listen, it might be better if you get organized today and then have everyone in place for tomorrow morning when they go to work.” I put my head down on the steering wheel. I was so tired. I could not believe this was

happening. “Okay.” “Do you want me to email you some names that you can call?” “I feel really weird about doing this.” “Emily, if they claim squatter rights we will have an even bigger legal mess on our hands that could take a couple years to resolve. Trust me, you want to move fast on this.” “Okay.” *** I spent the rest of the day on the phone coordinating everything. We had to provide legal proof to the locksmith that I was indeed the owner. I needed to rent a storage locker and hire a moving company that was willing to pack up and move everything as soon as possible. By the time the day was over, I was exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open. I called the dog sitter who assured me that Chloe was feeling a lot more peppy and her appetite was returning. I called Beth and we arranged that she would meet me at the loft tomorrow afternoon and we would have dinner before I headed back to Virginia. I took a bath and fell into a dreamless sleep. *** I woke up to my Skype ringing. Peering at the clock, It was just after 3 AM. Jackson was calling. My heart stopped beating for a long moment.

I turned on the bedroom lamp and opened the screen, blinking against the bright light. “Hey,” I said sleepily. I took one look at his stiff posture, rigid muscles and corded neck and knew that he was livid. I woke up immediately. “What’s wrong?” “You want to tell me where you are?” his jaw was clenched. I was struggling to wake up and deal with this conversation. “New York.” He took a deep breath and shook his head, unable to speak. I peered closer at the screen. He was standing in our kitchen. “Are you at home?” I asked, my eyes wide. I could feel my heart pound. “I’m at home,” he spoke slowly, with forced restraint. “And you’re not.” My lips parted in shock. “What are you doing home?” He all but snarled. “The mission got pulled.” “It’s not what you think,” I blurted out. “My lawyer called and asked me to come to New York. But I was coming back. You told me you would be home in two weeks.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “You told me you would be here when I got back.” I could feel how upset he was. I thought about the little kid who moved between Ted and Harry and Irene’s place. The kid who got no love and no

commitment from anyone. I was starting to gain a better understanding of who my husband was. He may not love me, but damn if I was going to be the next person in line to abandon him. My voice was quiet. “And you got home and I wasn’t there.” He didn’t answer. He just looked unbelievably intense. I had expressly promised Jackson that I would be there when he got back. How was I supposed to know that he would be coming back after only two days? “Chloe is at the dog sitter in Newport,” I said. “I would never leave Chloe behind.” His green gaze just bore into me. The corner of one of his eyes twitched, the only indication that he had heard me. “Matt is squatting in the loft. With Julie. We have to extract them tomorrow.” He let out a slow breath. “Chloe is in Newport?” “Yes.” “With a dog sitter?” “She was too sick to travel with me. I would never leave her behind, Jackson. You know that. I wasn’t running away. I just had to leave to take care of this mess here. I was coming back.” He looked away from the camera for a long time and then looked back to me. He had pulled himself together. All emotion had been erased from his face. “Okay.”

I let out the pent up air out of my lungs. “Sorry you came home to find me gone.” He looked down and took a deep breath. Then he raised his green eyes to mine. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on with Matt.” I explained the situation and how we were going to forcible evict Matt in the morning. Jackson looked grim. “I can’t leave the base since I’m on stand by but I can go get special leave. I can be there by tomorrow night.” Guilt rushed over me. This man was always willing to drop everything to take care of me. “We will be done taking care of this by tomorrow afternoon. I can be home by tomorrow night.” He stared into the camera at me. “I don’t like it.” “My lawyer is helping me. We have to get this done.” He rubbed his face. “Emily.” I nodded. “I can do this. Everything is organized.” He stared at me, thinking. “You don’t want to wait until I get there?” I chewed on my nail. I wanted to prove to him that I was a strong military wife. “I can handle this.” “Do you want me to pick up Chloe?” My eyes filled with tears. “She would love that. I’ll text you the address. You can’t let her out

of your sight. She can’t eat anything off the ground. You can’t just let her out in the backyard. You have to watch her at all times.” He nodded. “Okay.” We stared at each other for another long minute. “I’m sorry you got home and I wasn’t there.” He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.” My husband’s defence. I could tell that him coming home to an empty house had upset him a great deal. I also knew that he would never admit that it had bothered him. I was starting to understand him a bit better. “Okay. I will call you tomorrow when it is over.” We stared at each other and then he nodded. “Okay.” And then the screen went black.

Chapter 29 I couldn’t fall back asleep after Jackson had called. To say that I was emotionally confused was an understatement. One part of me was terrified of this relationship and how much it promised to devastate me. Jackson and I had a lot of unresolved problems around the fact that it seemed like he still harboured some big feelings for Harper. The other part of me was in love with him. After reading the journal, I was starting to get a better understanding of his past and how that had shaped him into becoming the man he was today. I could tell that when he arrived home and I had not been there, he had been upset. Anyone would have assumed the worst. After the BBQ I had promised him I would be there when he got home. I could understand how he had automatically assumed that I had left him. I hated how that must have felt like such a betrayal to him. I spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, unable to shut my brain off. I was functioning on almost no sleep and staggered out of bed at an ungodly hour, feeling like death warmed over. I packed my bag up and drove to the loft property. I sat in a car and waited until

Matt and Julie backed out of the garage and drove off. The locksmith opened the door and then my real estate agent and I walked through the place. To say that it was a mess was an understatement. Being neat had never been either Julie or Matt’s strengths. “Look at this!” Jean looked like she was about to cry. Two pieces of furniture that belong to the staging company, a white leather couch and a faux suede wingback chair, had been ruined beyond repair by what appeared to be wine. “Jean, I’m so sorry. I’ll pay for all damages.” She nodded. “I know this isn’t your fault.” Together we walked around the loft, tagging things that belonged to the staging company to ensure it didn’t get packed up and moved. As angry as I was with Matt, it was horrifying watching the movers pack. They had been instructed to put stuff in boxes and move it out, they hadn’t been instructed to be gentle or to take care. I stood in the bathroom and watched as they removed a drawer from the vanity and dumped it in a box. Cosmetics and hair products tumbled roughly in. The mover tossed in wet towels on top of everything and sealed the box shut. The cleaning company arrived shortly after the movers were finished and they started to make their

way through the loft. I walked into the kitchen. The stove was filthy. It was beyond me how anyone could be so messy. Jackson: How’s it going? Me: Tired. Beth meeting me for a late lunch and then I’ll be on my way home. When had that happened? When had Virginia started to feel like home? “What the hell’s going on?” Matt’s voice sounded from the door. “Matt,” I said turning around, anxiety shooting up my spine. “What are you doing here?” He looked around the place, “I repeat. What the fuck is going on here?” I heard more footsteps and then Julie appeared at the door. She looked around in shock. “What are you doing in my place.” My eyes went wide. “This isn’t your place. I own this loft.” Matt strode in, looking around. “Where’s all our stuff?” I handed him the invoice to the storage facility. “Your stuff has been packed up and stored in a storage locker.” Julie took off up the stairs and a moment later we heard her scream, “Matt. Everything is gone. She stole our stuff.” Matt’s eyes narrowed at me. “You think this is some kind of joke?”

“Not at all but you can’t move in here. I own this place. I’m trying to sell it.” “Well according to the Land Spouse Protection Act, I have just as much right to be here as you do. You can’t sell this place without my express permission.” “Not according to my lawyer,” I said, trying to bring air into my lungs. “You supported me, Emily. You think you can just up and walk away from those responsibilities? There are laws against that.” Julie came flying down the stairs. “That stupid bitch stole everything. Where are my clothes? Where is my makeup? You took everything you stupid cow.” “Hello!” Beth called out, a moment before appearing at the doorway. She stopped in her tracks as she took in Julie, Matt and myself. Julie came rushing at me, rage etched across her face. “I hate you.” I didn’t see her hand, but I felt the slap. I stepped back in shock and felt myself land awkwardly against a stool which tipped over beneath my weight. I was flailing, going back. My arms were like windmills, trying to find something to fight the momentum of my body falling backwards. My phone went flying out of my hand. My cheekbone connected with something cold and hard and then I landed hard on my side, pain

shooting up my arm. I took a deep gasp and then everything faded to black. *** I woke up to Beth crouched over me. I winced and looked up at her. Pain was radiating up my arm. I was lying awkwardly on my side. “Oh shit, oh shit,” she repeated, gently touching my face, my neck, my shoulder. “I’m fine, Beth,” I said, not feeling very fine at all. “Can you help me up?” She put her arm around my shoulder and helped me to a sitting position. “Is the baby okay?” I put my good arm, the one that wasn’t throbbing, on my stomach. Everything felt fine. “Yeah, I think so, but something is wrong with my arm.” I cradled my sore arm in my good hand. My wrist already looked swollen. I couldn’t move it. “Oh that looks disgusting,” Beth was staring at my arm with wide eyes. I looked around the loft. “Where did Matt and Julie go?” “They took off,” she rolled her eyes in disgust. “Seriously?” I asked in shock. “They were like two fleeing criminals at a murder scene,” she look venomous. I touched my face gingerly. I was getting a goose egg right below my right eye, but no blood. I must have hit my face against the side of the island.

“I think we should get you to the hospital,” Beth said, as she helped me to my feet and put me on a stool. I heard a buzzing. It was my phone Jackson: What time is your flight? I’ll pick you up “It’s Jackson. He wants to pick me up from the airport.” Beth and I just stared at each other. “He’s going to be a serious level of pissed when he sees your face,” Beth breathed. “Understatement of the year. Can you take me to the hospital?” I asked as another wave of pain washed over me. *** Beth drove me to the hospital in my rental car where I was immediately assessed. Baby was fine. Wrist, not so much. There was a hairline fracture which did not require surgery but it did require casting. I did not have a concussion but I was getting a black eye from where my cheekbone had connected with the granite corner of the counter top. I had a swollen goose-egg bump on my cheekbone. My face felt like it was on fire. Don’t even get me started on my wrist. The pain that radiated up my arm made me nauseous. Me: I land at 5:30 PM Once I was cleared to leave, Beth drove me to

the airport and promised to return my rental car. We parked and I looked over at her. “I feel so bad that instead of going for lunch, we sat in the hospital.” She reached out and hugged me. “Are you okay in Virginia?” I hadn’t shared with her anything about Harper or how things were going with Jackson. I didn’t have the emotional energy. I awkwardly patted her with my good arm. “Everything is great.” She studied me. “Will you call me when you get there?” “I’ll text you tonight,” I compromised. She reached over and hugged me. “Take care.” “You too. We’ll talk soon.”

Chapter 30 Being that I was in first class, pregnant and in a cast, I was the first one off the flight. I had looked at my face in the plane’s bathroom before we landed and it wasn’t getting any prettier. I was in so much pain, it was all I could do to just get off that plane and walk through to arrivals. I just wanted to get home. That was my only goal. I just wanted to lie down in my own bed. The doors for arrivals whooshed open and I saw him standing, a head taller than everyone else in the crowd. He was wearing a baseball cap and a white t-shirt with a pair of faded jeans. My heart beat faster at the sight of him. I still got a shock over how handsome this man was. His expression didn’t change as he watched me approach him. He took in my cast that was in a sling, my bruised cheekbone, the black circles under my eyes. Something in me just went limp seeing him. I just wanted to lean up against him and have him wrap his arms around me. “Before you say anything,” I started my carefully rehearsed speech. “Alien is fine.” His nostrils flared and he looked beyond me for

a long moment. I watched him swallow. Swallow down his emotion, his reaction, his need to say anything. Green eyes looked back at me. Nothing but control there. “What happened?” “I had a disagreement with Julie. She slapped my face and I stepped back and tripped over a stool.” He interrupted. “Matt was there?” “It was an accident. I landed on my wrist. It’s just a hairline fracture. Nothing to worry about.” His voice was eerie calm. “Matt let Julie hit you?” Oh boy. “He didn’t let her. He wasn’t even near us. She moved fast.” “Are you in pain?” “Not too bad,” I lied. “It smarts a bit but no big deal.” Uh, more like someone split the bone with a red hot axe and now burning heat radiated through my entire body in a crushing throb. His jaw was clenched. He took a deep breath through his nostrils. “Let’s get you home.” He put his arm around me and I leaned against his strength, inhaling his scent. I could feel my anxiety drain out of me. We made our way to the parking lot and his truck. He gently lifted me into the passenger seat and helped me put my seatbelt on.

His voice was casual. Way too casual. “Did he stay and help?” “They were gone when I woke up. Beth was there and I think that was for the best, don’t you?” Green eyes bore into me and then he shut the door. I watched as he walked around to the driver side. He got in, started the truck and we backed up. He hit the brake and then he drove the truck back into the parking stall. He sat there for a long moment and then without looking at me, he said in a very even voice, “Can you give me a moment?” He got out of the truck and slammed the door. Fascinated, I watched him through the windshield. Jackson was gone and in his place was an intense, vibrating navy SEAL. He looked ferocious. He looked like he wanted to rip apart someone limb by limb with his bare hands. The man literally had murder in his eyes. He paced back and forth with his hands on his hips while he took deep calming breaths. Then with very controlled movements, he took out his phone and dialled a number. His back was to me, so I couldn’t hear what he was saying or who he was talking to, but his mannerisms suggested that he was vehement in his message. He clicked off the phone, took off his hat and ran his hand through his messy hair. My heart was pounding in my chest as I watched. Jackson was extraordinarily upset. Did this mean he cared about us?

I held my breath as he got back into the truck beside me. He looked over at me and in the most gentle tone, he said. “Why don’t we get you home? I have broken my arm before and I know for a fact your arm is more than smarting.” I nodded, trying to stop my eyes from filling with tears. We didn’t speak all the way back to the base. *** When we got home, Jackson took one look at my face and led me upstairs. He helped me get undressed and into bed. “Where are you pain meds?” he looked around for my bag. I lay on my good shoulder and refrained from panting through the pain. “The doctor said I could take an Advil.” He stilled and looked at me. “Excuse me?” “Pain medication isn’t good for Alien. But I can do a Tylenol or Advil.” “Are you kidding me? Have you had any medication yet?” I shook my head. It hurt to move. “No.” He sat there for a long moment and then dimmed the lamp. “Hang on, okay?” He returned with two Advil and a glass of water. I couldn’t get them in my body fast enough. “I have some heating pads for you,” he said,

gently putting a pillow behind my shoulder. I almost wept as I felt a hot pad on the back of my shoulder. He put another one on my neck. Then he put a cool gel ice pack on my cheek. It felt so good I almost wept. “Thank you.” He pulled my good hand into his and started to slowly massage it. I have no idea why, but it made everything feel better. “Are you mad?” I asked in a tiny voice. Green eyes looked at me. “Not at you. Never at you.” I swallowed. “I’m sorry you’re taking care of me again.” His expression was grim. “Try and sleep, okay?” *** I woke up stiff and alone in our bed. The sun was just setting, the light dim outside. My casted arm made it difficult to get dressed, so I simply zipped up one of Jackson’s hoodies over my body and pulled up a pair of yoga pants. I found him sitting outside on the porch watching Chloe who was lying on the grass. He stood up when he heard the back door open. He took my good arm and helped me sit down on the step. We didn’t speak. We had so much to say, so much to talk about, but instead I just leaned into him and we watched Chloe snap at

fireflies that buzzed around her head. “How are you feeling?” I took a deep breath. I had so badly wanted to show Jackson that I could handle myself in New York. “I feel a bit embarrassed.” He cocked his head at me. “Why?” “I just…wanted to show you that I could handle this. And I came back mangled.” He gave me a measured look. “But you took care of stuff.” “Yeah but….” He shook his head. “No buts. Mangled or not, you totally handled yourself.” I thought about that for a moment. “Thanks.” He looked down at my arm. “Are you in pain?” I rolled my shoulder. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel too bad. “Not really.” Our eyes met. And then he said something that made my blood run cold. “We need to talk.” I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. “Right now?” “You owe me a conversation.” His statement floated between us while I hugged my knees and studied my feet. “Okay.”

Chapter 31 “Tell me about Mark.” “Who? “Private Mark Novikov, in his seventh week of BUDs.” “I have no idea who that is.” “He was feeding you his burger.” Jackson voice was terse. My eyes went wide. “I didn’t even know his name, how did you find out his name?” “If a man is hitting on my wife, I make it my business to find out who he is.” I felt bewildered by this conversation. “He wasn’t hitting on me, he was just being nice.” “You said he knew what was going on with your food. What did you mean by that?” I glanced over my shoulder at him. He looked pissed. “It was nothing.” “Tell me.” “He understood why I wasn’t eating, that’s all.” “Care to share that with me?” Did I want to share with my husband just how awkward I was in social settings? “Not really.” “I’m asking you to.”

I sat there for a long moment. Hating this conversation. “I get anxious to the point I can’t eat. He saw my plate and said that he understood how I felt because his sister is the exact same way.” “Why were you anxious?” “Jackson,” desperation tinged my voice. “Can’t we just chalk up that BBQ as a big stupid moment and forget about it?” “What happened?” I felt my face flush in shame. I didn’t want him to know how much I was hated here. I didn’t want him to know that I was a social outcast, already failing miserably to fit into his world. “The wives don’t like me.” “Why do you think that?” “They don’t want to get to know me.” “What happened?” I sighed in frustration. “Well, they didn’t like my clothes. They thought I was stuck up. They didn’t think I was pretty enough for you. And they also said that you and Harper were secretly meeting to go running together. And that you discussed our marriage with Harper who now believes it’s doomed. So she is just bidding her time until you leave me for her.” “They said all this to you?” “Most of it I overheard when I was coming back from the bathroom.” Jackson’s entire body went still. “I didn’t

deliberately go running with Harper. We’ve run together for years and we have often used the same routes. It didn’t seem like a big deal when we ended up on the same route. I never took it as anything other than coincidence.” “Okay.” I believed him. I wasn’t so sure that Harper’s intentions were so pure, but I believed Jackson when he told me that he didn’t deliberately go out of his way to meet up with her. “I have never discussed our marriage with her. Not once.” I looked over at him. Our eyes met. “Okay.” “There’s nothing going on between me and Harper,” he was empathic. Yet. A small voice said quietly to my heart. “Fine.” “I don’t cheat and I expect the same consideration from you.” My head whipped back and I looked at him. “Excuse me?” “I think I’ve been pretty clear.” “I don’t think you have any concerns in that department.” Silence hung between us. Finally he spoke. “It isn’t easy to be married to a solider, but it’ll get easier if you can play nice with the other wives.” I looked over at him in disbelief. “You think it was me not playing nice?”

“I’m just saying, you might want to make that one of your goals.” His words cut like a knife. My husband was basically telling me to get some friends. Humiliation burned my stomach. At that moment, I had never felt more alone in my life. Didn’t he understand what was going on here? They didn’t like me because they were siding with his exgirlfriend. I couldn’t even look at his face as I stood up. I was convinced I would burst out into tears. “I’m going to bed.” *** The sun was shining when I woke up. My cast made things awkward but the pain had receded to the point of being manageable. There wasn’t much I could do about my face. The swelling on my cheek was gone, but the dark bruise was impossible to hide, even with make-up. Jackson: Let’s go out for dinner tonight I stared at his text. I almost couldn’t take the tension between us these days. I was done with fighting. I was almost crumpling under all the pressure. Me: Ok *** We went out to a local surf and turf restaurant that had a spectacular view of the boardwalk. Jackson had said very little on the drive over. I

studied him. He looked casual in his t-shirt and faded jeans. There was no expression on his face. Thanks to Irene and her years of abuse, my husband could do blank better than anyone I knew. “Where did you learn to play baseball?” I blurted out. He took his time answering. “I played as a kid.” I knew he had been so good that he had been scouted by professionals. “Were you in a league?” Green eyes looked over my face. “Ted loved baseball more than life himself. He got me started.” “Ted did?” “He’s the one that came to all my games.” “What about Matt’s dad?” He shrugged. “He was busy.” My God. This man wanted to share nothing with me. Nothing at all. That hurt. “My dad was big into archery,” I offered. “Oh yeah?” “He really wanted me to take an interest. I got this beautiful bow and arrow. I took private lessons. I was in a league for ages but then they kicked me out.” His eyes looked at my face. Interested. “What happened?”

“I accidentally shot a judge in the arm.” “You didn’t.” “I was terrible. I was worse than terrible. I have zero hand eye coordination.” He openly laughed. “And your archery career ended.” “My dad had dreams of me going to the Olympics.” His smile was easy. “Was he upset?” “He was resigned. He knew I sucked. I think he appreciated that I hung in there for five years.” “Five years. That’s impressive.” “I hated archery but I loved how excited he was and how that was our thing.” “I guess that’s what it’s about.” “Promise me that if Alien has my athletic ability, you’ll be patient with him.” His smile was real. “I’ll be patient.” His phone rang. He looked at the screen. “I gotta take this.” I watched as he walked out of earshot. The conversation looked serious. “Hey, if it isn’t 45 calories!” I turned and looked up to see the tall blonde guy from the BBQ. “Burger guy.” His smile dropped as he looked at my face. He glanced down at my cast. “Are you okay?” “I’m fine. I just had a little accident.” He looked around and spotted Jackson across

the boardwalk talking on the phone. His voice went low. “I had no idea your husband was Jackson Hunter.” I shook my head. “Sorry I didn’t tell you.” He leaned down on the table and said in a low voice. “If he’s hurting you. I can help.” Shock. “You think my husband is hurting me?” “I saw how pissed he got at the BBQ.” I waved my cast in the air. “This was an accident. I’m clumsy. That’s all.” It was the truth, but it didn’t sound like the truth. “I’m just putting it out there that if you need help, I can help.” “I’m good,” I gave him my best reassuring smile. “Hi Mark,” From behind us, Jackson’s voice sounded deceptively casual. Mark stood up straight and eyeballed Jackson. “Sir.” Jackson stared unblinking at Mark. He just stood there. Not moving. Just staring. Mark cleared his throat and took a step back. “Nice running into you again, Mrs. Hunter.” “You too.” Jackson watched as Mark walked away before he sat down across from me. He lifted his beer and took a long sip. There was a mild expression on his face, but his actions were too deliberate. My

husband was pissed. “Bad phone call?” “I turn my back for one minute.” I crossed my arms. Jackson was being completely unreasonable. “Why this sudden concern about Mark?” His response was the look. I picked up my virgin mocktail. “Pretty hypocritical if you ask me.” “Excuse me?” “You spent three years with Harper and you guys make goggly eyes at each other but since you tell me nothing is going on, I’m just supposed to believe you. Yet I spent ten minutes talking to one person at the BBQ and you go all navy SEAL on his ass. Even after I told you nothing was going on.” He looked away from me and took a haul off his beer. “That’s different.” “What? No it’s not.” He looked back at me. “Fine. Let’s drop it.” “What was your phone call about?” “I have to report to work tonight.” I felt my face fall. “Again? You just got here.” “I knew this turn around would be short.” “How long will you be gone for?” “Just a couple of weeks.” I leaned back in my chair, the breeze blowing the hair off my face. This was what I had signed up

for. He had warned me, but I was only just starting to understand what it meant to be the wife of a SEAL. I already felt lonely. “I get it.” “What do you get?” I took a deep breath. “I need to make some friends.”

Chapter 32 My husband was full of surprises. It took me most of the morning to discover it, but he had painted Alien’s room when I was in New York without telling me. It was a beautiful cream colour and I stupidly cried when I saw it. I worried about Jackson. Where was he? Was he in a gun fight? Fighting off monster snakes with his bare hands? I looked up HALO jumping and wished I hadn’t. Jumping from a plane that flew as high as a commercial jet, jumpers needed to breathe pure oxygen and faced temperatures that would freeze their skin in seconds. Falling at a rate of over 120 mph, jumpers free fell for almost two minutes before deploying their chutes at the last possible moment. The thought of Jackson hurtling to earth from so far up made me feel sick to my stomach. I tried not to think about it, but sometimes thoughts of his safety overwhelmed me to the point of tears. To my complete horror, twice more I found cooked chicken in our backyard. I brought the chicken to the vet who confirmed it was laced with rat poison. I watched Chloe like a hawk, terrified

that she would eat something bad. Sunday morning, unable to sleep, I got up early. I looked out my bedroom window and in the dusky shadows I saw a figure come around the front of my house and jog lightly down the street. It was a tall slender woman. Her hoodie obscured her face but I saw a bit of wheat blonde hair sticking out. It instantly reminded me of Harper. After my shower I took Chloe out to the backyard. There in the middle of the lawn was a small pile of cooked chicken. In tears I cleaned it up. *** Normally, I preferred to go into Newport to grocery shop, but it was raining and I just needed a couple things, so despite my trepidation, I made my way into the military grocery store. The place was mostly empty. I grabbed a cart and started to quickly push my way around the store. I was almost at the front when someone aggressively stepped in front of my cart. It was Harper. I stopped and just stood there looking up at her. My heart was pounding. She had a small smile on her face, like she had some sort of little secret. “Hi Emily.” “Hi.” She peered into my cart. “Doing some shopping, I see?”

“Yes.” I had no idea why I felt so tense. I stared up at her beautiful face. She had a benign expression on her face. She was making polite conversation. So why did it feel like she was going to unexpectedly stick a shiv into me. “No dog biscuits, I see.” I felt my entire body freeze. “Excuse me?” Her smile widened. “You do have a dog, don’t you?” “Yes.” We stared at each other for a long moment. She leaned forward and said very quietly, “You should keep an eye on her. You wouldn’t want her to eat anything she shouldn’t.” My lips parted. I couldn’t believe she was saying this to me. Why would she say something like that? Was that her in my yard this morning? Was this her evil way of taunting me? “What do you know about that?” Rage darkened my heart. My voice wobbled. She gave a knowing shrug. “Jackson mentioned it to me.” It felt like I was getting kicked in the gut. Jackson had no business mentioning anything about our lives to Harper. “I should go,” I said, wheeling my cart around her. My hands shook as I paid for my groceries. When had Jackson been talking to her? Were they

still in constant contact? Did he Skype her? Thoughts tumbled through my head. When I looked up, she was gone. *** Later that night, Jackson skyped me. He looked big and badass with his military gear. He was sitting outside beneath some cameo netting. It looked like morning there. I didn’t even know what country he was in. “Hey,” his teeth that looked white against the dark tan of his face. “Hi.” We sat there and studied each other. Suddenly, I missed him so much it hurt. I wanted to touch him, smell him, and wrap my arms around his strong muscular waist. “Thank you for painting Alien’s room.” “You’re welcome.” “I was so happy when I walked in there.” I paused and then added. “I started the mural.” He leaned forward, interest in his expression. “Show me.” “You don’t want to see it when it’s done?” “Nope. Show me now.” I carried the iPad up to the room and hesitated, feeling suddenly shy. “There is going to be two scenes. This is the daytime scene, I haven’t started the nighttime scene yet.”

His face looked serious. “Show me.” I turned the iPad and showed him the wall. Dad Bear was standing at an old-fashioned stove flipping pancakes up into the air behind him. Little Bear was dancing behind him, catching all the steaming pancakes on a plate. Mother Bear was looking on with a tender smile on her face, while Grandma and Grandpa Bear waited patiently at the kitchen table. Most of it was painted, I just needed to fill in some spots. I turned the iPad around and Jackson was looking down at the table in front of him. He lifted his green gaze up to me. “You did all that?” “Yeah.” He looked away from the camera for a long moment and when he looked back at me, his face was devoid of emotion. “It’s good.” I watched him, aware that he was fighting some sort of emotion. Did these pictures remind him of his time with his mom? “Thanks.” “So how is Chloe?” “She’s good. I found more poisoned chicken in our backyard.” “When?” “Three times now. I don’t even let her outside without walking through the backyard first.” He shook his head. “That doesn’t make sense.” I chewed on my lip, debating on how much I wanted to say. “I saw someone leave our yard this

morning. And then I found more chicken.” “What did you see?” “It was a tall slender woman with blonde hair. She was wearing running gear and she had a hood up. I couldn’t really see her face.” “Anything else?” “I saw Harper at the grocery store.” He blinked. “Did you tell her that Chloe was poisoned?” “I don’t remember.” “She seemed to know all about it.” He stared at me for a long moment. “Well obviously I did tell her than.” “When were you talking to her?” “Is that what all of this is about?” “Do you Skype her?” “Are you implying that Harper came out of our yard this morning?” “I didn’t say it was Harper.” We eyeballed each other. “I don’t want to fight about it. I was just telling you what I saw.” He leaned forward and spoke straight into the camera. “You better be really certain about your facts.” “I’m certain about what I saw.” “Emily, you can’t go make half assed accusations about someone.” “Who said I was making accusations?”

“Sure sounded like it to me.” “Has it dawned on you that she might be the one doing this?” “Harper would never do that.” “How do you know that?” “I think I know someone’s character after being with them for three years.” That stung. Yes, he had spent three long years with her. It was a reminder I didn’t want. “I’m not the enemy,” I said tersely. “But I think it is pretty rude that you would choose Harper over Chloe.” “I think it is pretty rude that you would drag Harper into this mess. This is a small community, Emily. And a lot of people know and like Harper.” “What are you saying?” “Just don’t go making an enemy where you don’t have to.” I stared at him in disbelief. “I’m not making an enemy.” He looked annoyed. Which made me want to burst into tears. Although the last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of him or fight. Not when we were so far apart. I had no idea why he was defending her. Her tone in the grocery store was menacing. I couldn’t prove anything but I was definitely wary of her. It felt like a betrayal that Jackson would automatically take her side. He leaned forward. “I should go.”

I nodded, unable to speak. “You okay?” I nodded again. He looked resigned. “Okay. Talk to you later.” And then he was gone.

Chapter 33 It was raining for the third day in the row. Chloe and I were going a bit stir crazy. My doorbell rang. It was Lauren. She gave me a careful smile. “I thought I would drop by and say hi.” I held open the door. “Come in.” I put on coffee as she wondered around our family room. She turned, holding up my baby book. “You’re pregnant.” “22 weeks,” I brought her a cup of coffee. She eyeballed my stomach. “How are you feeling?” “Fat.” She laughed. “Just wait until you are 38 weeks.” We sat down. “Where are your kids?” I asked, trying to be conversational. “My mother-in-law is visiting. What happened to your arm?” “I was in New York and I tripped backwards over a stool. I have a hairline fracture on my

wrist.” We fell into an uneasy silence. “Lauren, I don’t mean to be rude, but you didn’t seem that enamoured with me at your BBQ.” “Harper is my best friend.” Ah. That made a lot more sense. But that still didn’t explain why she was here. I frowned. “Your husband is an exceptional solider,” she said. “So I’ve been told.” She looked down at her coffee. “My husband was on night patrol. And he got jumped by some insurgents. He said he was about ten seconds away from being killed and Jackson saved his life.” My eyebrows went up. Trying not to imagine that scene. Night time. Men with guns. What Jackson would have had to do to save her husband’s life. “My husband asked you to be my friend.” She gave a little shrug. “I would do anything for Jackson.” I felt my face grow hot. “Well, that’s embarrassing.” “He reminded me that you haven’t been given a fair chance.” “People really love Harper.” She took a sip of her coffee. “Jackson never wanted to settle down. I’ve seen dozens of women fling themselves at him, but no one could hold his

interest.” “Until Harper.” “Everyone thought that she was going to be the one. They were together a long time.” “Then he came back from New York with me in tow.” She cleared her throat. “No one seems to remember that Jackson has the right to marry whomever he wants. Everyone just looked at that situation and felt bad for Harper.” “He got me pregnant.” “Well, if it makes you feel better, he never looked at her like he looks at you.” Apparently she had missed the fiasco at her own BBQ. “I never meant to hurt anyone. I didn’t even know about her until I got here.” She gave a short laugh. “No. But you get the blame.” I looked down at my hands. I didn’t know if I should be thrilled to be talking to someone other than Chloe or devastated that my own husband had to call in a favour to get someone to come over and talk to me. “What is this?” she leaned forward and was looking at some of the sketches I had done for Alien’s mural. “Just some preliminary drawings for a mural I’m doing.” Her head shot up. “You paint?”

“You want to see?” *** Five minutes later, Lauren was standing in Alien’s room. “This is incredible,” she turned and looked at me. “You did this?” “I have a lot of time on my hands.” She cleared her throat. “My daughter really loves Elsa.” “You need a mural?” “Are you for hire?” I tried to think of how my granny would handle this opportunity. “I would do it for an exchange.” “What kind of exchange?” I took a deep breath. “I need to meet more people, but I don’t even know how to do that.” “I know everyone.” We looked at each other. She held out her hand, “I think we could make a deal.” *** A couple nights later, after dinner, Jackson called me on Skype. “Hi,” I said, peering at him in the screen. He was sitting outside under the shade of the military netting. His cameo baseball hat was pulled low over his eyes. His hair was sticking in all directions from beneath his hat, making him look adorable. “How are you?” I asked.

“Good.” “Are you safe?” He just smiled at me. “So, Lauren dropped by the other day for coffee.” “Oh yeah?” He had an innocent look on his face. “Kind of embarrassing that my husband had to call in an old favour to get me a coffee date.” His expression was hard to read. “How did it go?” “She has commissioned me to paint Elsa on her daughter’s wall.” “Who’s Elsa?” “You’ll find out soon enough if Alien is a girl.” “What’s the commission?” I shook my head. He leaned forward, intrigued. “What?” “I’ve been invited to a Scentsy party and a bridal shower.” “You’re bartering for friends.” “Chloe told me the other day that I’m starting to repeat my stories.” He laughed. “That bad?” “I’m desperate.” “I’m proud of you.” “She got me an invite. I still have to win them over.” “You got this.”

“How did you save her husband?” He was about to speak when suddenly a loud explosive boom happened off camera. Jackson turned, shielded his face and then he was hauling an enormous scary automatic weapon up from his side. He stood up and looked towards the sound of the explosion. “No,” I said as he moved, disappearing out of view of the camera. I sat there, my hand over my mouth, staring at that netting, listening to the worst sounds I had ever heard. Men shouting. The pop pop pop of gun fire. I saw other men run by with huge guns, in the direction that Jackson had disappeared. Another explosion. More shouting. More terrifying gunfire that never seem to take a break. Then the camera was falling and lying on the ground. And then everything went black. “Oh shit, oh shit,” I said, looking at the screen. I was crying. “Please call back. Please call back.” I sat there for an hour, and dialled his Skype number to no avail. The absolute worst things were going through my mind. Visions of Jackson lying in that dusty sand, bleeding. Hurt. Possibly even dead. I texted him. I emailed him. I tried to call him. Nothing. There was no communication at all from him. Where was he? What had happened? I knew he was a soldier, I knew he was a SEAL, but what I had just witnessed, made me realize first hand that

this was real. Jackson lived and worked a dangerous job. He could die at any moment. I could not erase from my mind the sight of him heading into a gun fight. If something happened to him, I would not survive. I could not imagine my life without him. The thought alone made me sick. I knew what death was. I knew what loss felt like, but to have Jackson die, that would feel like all the oxygen would be sucked out of this world. I would never make it. I paced the length of the house, too freaked out to sleep. I made up some rules for myself. If Jackson survived this, I would never again bother him with my shit. He would get sunny, happy me on Skype telling him how awesome life was. The house could be burning around me and I would tell him everything was great. I would not distract him with my petty problems. I wouldn’t get emotional or give him bad news. He needed my support, not my issues. At 5 AM, exactly nine hours since I last saw Jackson on Skype, I crawled upstairs and wrapped myself around his pillow, falling asleep with my iPad in my hands. When I woke up, I didn’t let the iPad leave my sight. I kept it charged and the volume on full. I was constantly checking to see if it had power and if the volume was on. Chloe didn’t get her walk. I spent the entire day, just sitting on the couch waiting. Waiting to hear from

Jackson. *** Seventeen hours later, my Skype rang. I opened it and there he was. Looking dirty, hot, a bit pissed off and completely alive. I worked to not burst into tears. I had vowed to support him going forward. This wasn’t just about me. This was about him, staying safe and coming home. “Emily,” he said, giving me a look. “I’m sorry about that.” “It’s okay.” “Were you worried?” he asked simply. I moved the iPad away from my face so I could quietly sob. Then I wiped my tears and came back. “You know, I know you’re crying. Why are you hiding that from me?” “I don’t want to distract you,” I snivelled. “From my job?” I nodded, unable to speak. “Emily. You know what makes me good at my job?” “What?” “My ability to completely focus. So you never have to worry that you’re distracting me. I can get the job done here, no matter what is going on there, okay?” “I waited and waited for you to call back. I didn’t know what to think.”

He gave me a regretful look. “We had a blackout after our incident.” “What does that mean?” “Means that they turn off all outside communication for the entire group during notification of NOK.” “What is NOK?” “Next of Kin.” I covered my mouth. “Someone died?” He nodded. “Yeah.” “Oh no!” my eyes filled with tears. “That’s so bad.” “It isn’t good.” “Was it a friend of yours?” I asked in a small voice. He shrugged. “Just knew him by name, didn’t really know him. But he has a kid and another one on the way though.” I shook my head unable to speak for a moment. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” “I’m okay.”

Chapter 34 Another week passed by. I had ordered and received baby furniture, but the boxes remained unopened in Alien’s room. I was hoping that Jackson would be home long enough to help me. I spent the week painting a mural for Lauren’s six year old daughter. Elsa was set in a magical sparkling forest of white trees and a glistening frozen lake. Lauren invited me to the unveiling of the mural at Mindy’s birthday party. Mindy had been banned from entering her room while I was working on it, but when she saw the mural, she burst into noisy tears as she hugged her mom. Everyone raved about the mural. Five different women took my number, promising to call to set up a coffee date. *** Sunday night, Jackson called me on Skype. “Are you in bed?” “Hey. Nine o’clock is way past our bedtime.” “How was the birthday party?” “Mindy loved the mural. And I got five coffee invites out of it.” “Nice work.”

“I think they want murals too.” He smiled. “You’re on your way.” “I also went to a Scentsy party.” “What is Scentsy?” “Candles, oils and diffusers.” “Is this a good thing?” “Chloe and I got a dog walking date out of it.” “Look at you.” I took a deep breath. “It’s kind of nice to talk to someone who doesn’t have four legs and a tail.” “But Chloe is such a good listener.” “She is, but I think even she is getting sick of the sound of my voice.” He laughed. Where are you?” “We are in San Lucas.” “Mexico?” “Just a stop over. We are converging units and we have the night off.” “Tacos and beer?” He yawned. “Sleep. How’s Alien?” “She likes to dance,” I rubbed my belly. “She’s about the size of a mango.” “I thought we agreed that Alien would be a boy.” “We’ll see,” I said with a grin. “What else is new?” “Beth broke up with her boyfriend of three years.”

His eyes widened. “How come?” I leaned forward. “She caught him cheating with her boss.” “Her boss?” “Apparently they met at a work BBQ she brought him too. So now on top of looking for a new place to live, she is also looking for a new place to work.” “Ouch.” “Yes, she thought he was the one.” He snorted. “The one?” “You know. Her soul mate?” “Good luck finding that.” “You don’t believe in the one?” “I believe in commitment.” “But not love?” He dodged my question. “Beth is a good girl. She’ll find someone good.” “Jackson,” someone yelled from off camera. I watched as he looked to his left and then nodded. I could hear a female voice. “Come on, we’re ready to go. Cheap shots at the local.” “I’m talking to Emily.” “But you’re coming right?” “Probably not. I haven’t slept in 35 hours.” “When has that ever stopped you?” I watched as a female figure walked behind him. She bent down, put her arm around Jackson’s

shoulder. It was fucking Harper smiling at me, all friendly into the camera with her big brown eyes. What was she doing there? Was she actually on a mission with him? I crossed my arms in front of my chest, feeling instantly defensive. “Hi Emily,” she smiled at me. “Hi,” I said through gritted teeth. “You don’t mind if we steal Jackson? The party isn’t a party until he comes out.” She looked down at Jackson, her face practically touching his. Her arm, however casual, was still around his shoulder. She looked up and winked at me. It was that wink that made me want to scream. She knew exactly what she was doing. This wasn’t harmless, friendly fun. This was her declaring her intentions on my husband. A husband I barely knew. My voice sounded wooden. “No, absolutely. You guys should go out.” She stood up. “Nice seeing you, Emily.” Jackson said something to her off camera that I couldn’t hear. When he turned back I was so hurt and pissed, I was practically crying. “You should go.” “Emily.” “Have a good night.” I clicked the off button and tossed the iPad onto the bed. Tears burned my eyes. My Skype rang again. I wiped my tears off my

face and opened the screen but I didn’t say anything. We stared at each other. Both of us pissed off in our own right. He swallowed. “You hung up on me.” I sniffed. “You’re mad I’m going out.” “No, by all means. Go out drinking with Harper.” “She’s not the only one who’s going to be there.” I crossed my arms, in disbelief. “She winked at me.” “Harper winks at everyone. That’s her thing.” “Oh fine. Well I guess it’s okay than if I go out with Mark.” He glowered. “That is not the same fucking thing.” I crossed my arms, refusing to speak. “Emily. I told you. I’m committed to you.” I was starting to hate that fucking word. My husband was in Mexico with his ex-girlfriend and they were about to tie one on together but it was okay, because he was fucking committed. “She wants you back.” “Why can’t you let this go? She has. I have.” “She hasn’t let it go.” “You need to move on.” I shook my head. I was done with this conversation. “Have fun.”

“Emily.” “I need to go.” “You want to end this conversation like this?” Tears threatened to overflow out of my eyes. “Yes.” “Really.” He looked pissed. “Have a good night.” He sat there staring at me. “You too.” And then he was gone. I cried. Long and hard after that conversation as I imagined Harper, with her tall and slender body at the bar with Jackson. Getting drunk. Laughing together. Meanwhile, I was getting bigger by the minute, living by myself on this fucking military base. A strong loving marriage would struggle under these circumstances. In the last four months of marriage, Jackson had been home less than two weeks. Our entire relationship was based on texts and Skype calls, but Harper was there, putting her arms around him. *** I woke up at 3 AM to my phone buzzing. Jackson: Still pissed? Me: How was your night drinking with Harper? Jackson: I’m drunk Me: Is there a point to you drunk texting me?

Jackson: You’re my wife Me: Thank you for remembering that fact Jackson: You drive me crazy Me: So you tell me Jackson: Stay away from Mark Me: Chloe said you should go to bed Jackson: I mean it Me: She said you should drink lots of water Jackson: Tell her I miss her too Me: Ok

Chapter 35 Jackson: Coming home tonight. Will be at the hanger at 8 PM Me: You want me to pick you up? Jackson: Only if your not busy I spent the rest of the day in a bundle of nerves. Jackson and I had experienced our fair share of differences lately. Coupled that by the long distance between us, and I wasn’t sure how things would be when he came home. He didn’t think that Harper was an issue, but I knew that woman was gunning to get Jackson back. He said he was committed to me, but what exactly did that entail? What did his commitment and our marriage matter if his heart longed for her? Was he wishing that he would rather be with her? *** Fifteen minutes before 8 PM, I parked at the huge hanger. I was nervous. I showed my ID and was directed to a waiting area. There were dozens of people waiting. Most of them were women. Kids ran wild in their pyjamas and jackets. I looked around but I didn’t recognize anyone. I became acutely aware of being noticed. I had

a stupid smile pasted to my face, praying that someone might come over and say hi but no one did. I was too shy to approach any of the groups myself, so I took refuge in the farthest chair away from everyone and spent most of my time studying the floor. I knew people were talking about me. I just didn’t know what to do about it. *** I was in the bathroom in a stall when I heard a few women come in. “I guess we know why someone of Jackson’s caliber ended up being married to someone like her.” “Yeah, he got duped by the oldest trick in the book.” My entire body went still as I listened to them talk. “Remember Macy?” “Yeah.” “I’ll never forget this. This was years ago, and she was about to have a drunken one nighter with Jackson. She stupidly made the suggestion that he skip the condom and just withdraw. Instead he pulled on his pants and walked out.” “Well smart move on his part since we all know that Macy deliberately got pregnant to get her man to propose.” “Well looks like the same thing happened to Jackson. I heard that she poked a hole in the

condom.” “Oh God. Poor Jackson.” “I know, right? And poor Harper.” I stood in the bathroom stall frozen. What was the obsession with Jackson and his birth control practices? Now more nasty rumours were flying around about poor Alien’s conception. This poor kid. Not even born and the object and scorn of half the base. I opened the stall door and walked out. Four women were standing at the mirror, putting on lipstick and fixing their hair. Four sets of eyes glanced at me and then avoided my gaze as I stepped up to wash my hands. I didn’t recognize any of these women. That was the crazy part about all of this. Women whom I had never even seen in my life were discussing my sex life and spreading nasty rumours about my marriage and unborn child. I was halfway to the door when I realized if I couldn’t stand up for my kid, then I would really suck as a parent. I stopped and turned. “I didn’t poke a hole in a condom. We didn’t use any protection. There wasn’t a single condom in sight.” No one moved a muscle. Let them stew over that one. I turned on my heel and walked out. Even though my legs were still shaking, I made it back to my seat. I felt fairly exhilarated. The truth

might be more shocking than the rumours, but at least I had, in some small part, taken charge of how I was going to be treated. I wasn’t going to run or hide from the rumours that chased me. They could have the truth and how they choose to deal with it was no longer my business. *** Two hours later, we were still waiting. I was exhausted. I closed my eyes. The chair was so hard it reminded me of the waiting room at the hospital. I was just dozing off to sleep, when I heard someone say, “Here they come.” I rubbed my eyes and staggered to my feet. I looked at my watch. It was 10:50 PM. The excited bubbling crowd of women and kids had turned into a silent and weary group. We were led by someone into the large hanger and watched as the huge hanger doors slowly were drawn open. A massive military plane slowly taxi towards us. I stared at it in awe. I don’t think I have ever seen a plane that big before. There was a cool wind and my thin jean jacket was doing nothing to protect me. I was freezing cold. Our ragtag group huddled together as we watched in silence as the huge ramp at the back of the plane slowly lowered down to the ground. Soldiers started filing off the plane. They were all dressed in uniform. They moved with orderly precision. It was an impressive sight. I never really

could grasp Jackson or his job or what this life entailed, but this was his life. And somehow, this had become my life. I saw him walking across the tarmac beside Forbes. He looked so strong the way he moved. He was carrying a huge green duffle bag over his shoulder. His big boots and his fatigues only added to his tough physique. Jackson was all man, and as a solider he was heart-stopping. I felt myself get nervous, watching him walk towards me. His eyes lifted and he scanned the group I was standing in. Would things be weird between us? The last time we have talked, we had fought about Harper. I felt a jolt the moment his eyes met mine. His expression was stoic, but it felt like the sun was again shining on my face. How had this man become so vital and so important to me? When had this happened? It staggered me knowing how much I needed him. He walked towards me. I stood there frozen and stiff, aware that our reunion was garnering a lot of attention. He dropped his bag and then he was picking me up in his arms and lifting me off my feet. My arms went up as I buried my face into his neck. He smelled so good. I was shaking from cold, fatigue and nerves. “You’re trembling.” “I’m cold.” My cold lips were stuck to the

warm skin of his neck. “How’s Alien?” “Taking up more real-estate.” He set me back down and held me so he could look me over. “That he is.” “I’m exclusively in maternity clothes now.” He picked up his bag and then grabbed my hand. “Let’s go home.” *** Chloe howled when she saw Jackson. He gave her a good face washing until she calmed down. “Someone is happy to see you.” His smile was big. “She’s alright.” “Do you want something to eat?” “I’m good.” He stood in the middle of the kitchen, dominating the room. I always seemed to forget how massive my husband was. He fairly towered over me. He studied me. “How have things been for you?” “Everything is good. How are you? How was work?” “Fine.” I struggled to think of something to say. Things always seemed so weird when he came back. I felt awkward and shy around him. I yawned. “You look tired.” I nodded. “Kinda.”

“Why don’t you head up to bed. I will be there in a bit.” “Okay.” *** In the morning, I woke up to the sound of Chloe whining. Jackson had come to bed last night but he hadn’t woken me. Now it was morning and my dog needed to pee. “Coming Chloe,” I gave a raspy call, as I forced myself to sit up in bed. “I got it,” Jackson said. “You sleep.” I dropped back onto my pillow, unable to open my eyes. “Don’t forget to check for chicken.” I heard him talking to Chloe, as they went downstairs. Moments later, the backdoor slammed and Jackson called, “Emily, where do you keep the plastic bags?” My eyes opened wide. “Why?” “I found some more chicken.” I grabbed my robe and hustled downstairs. Jackson was on the deck, wearing only a pair of sweats and he was holding Chloe by her collar. He looked at me. “Can you take her?” I hustled Chloe back into the house and then watched through the window as Jackson walked through the yard with bare feet. He bagged the offending chicken, threw it out and then made his way back to the house.

He stood there looking menacing, with his hands on his hips. He wasn’t impressed. “How often do you find that shit?” I shrugged. “There hasn’t been any chicken for awhile.” “This pisses me off.” “Yeah. I know.” “Why don’t you go back to bed?” I yawned. “What are you going to do?” “I’m going for a run.” I had no idea where the man got all his energy from. “Okay.” *** I woke up a second time. I thought I had heard Jackson come in, but he hadn’t come upstairs. On my way downstairs, I found him standing in Alien’s room. He stood in the middle of the room, his hands on his hips as he took in the mural. The nighttime scene depicted little bear in bed, leaning up against father bear, who was sitting in bed with him and reading him a bedtime story. Mother bear was folding clothes, listening with a smile on her face. Grandma and grandpa bear were looking in the doorway and smiling. I had wanted the father bear and little bear relationship to be predominant in the mural. He glanced at me in the doorway, but he didn’t speak. His face was blank, but the intensity in the way he studied the mural belied his disinterest.

What was he thinking? Was he remember his mom while looking at these childhood characters? I had wanted to honour his relationship that he had with his mom, but the amount of emotion that I could feel him hiding was catching me off guard. He turned his attention to me. “I see that Alien’s crib has arrived.” “I haven’t had a chance to put it together,” I lied. As if I had any intention of building that thing myself. His head whipped over to me. “You think I’m not going to man up and build our kid’s crib?” “Oh…well….if you want to.” “Damn straight I will.” I had to turn my face away, my smile threatening to give away my game. His lips twitched. “Did you just play me?” “I would never.” He grabbed me around the waist. “I totally walked into that.” “Well, it worked.” He slapped me on the ass. “So, there are a bunch of guys that want to go out tonight.” “Okay.” “Wives are included.” “I can make that work.”

Chapter 36 Despite our joking, there was a distance between us that made my heart ache. Instead of finding that place where we were in sync, we felt like two polite strangers. The day passed and then we took a taxi to the bar. I was wearing a cute little yellow sundress and a pair of flats, coupled with a jean jacket. “MacDog!” Someone yelled across the bar. Hand in his, I followed him across the huge bar, looking around. In one corner were pool tables. There was a stage and a band was setting up. He led me to a couple tables that were pushed together, filled with faces that were starting to look familiar. “Emily,” Lauren called, “Come over and sit here with us.” I pulled my hand out of Jackson’s, and made my way over to Lauren. I glanced over my shoulder. He was standing there, watching me. I recognized a few of the women from the Scentsy party. They made room for me to sit with them. “Thanks,” I smiled. Jackson made his way over to where the men were playing darts. He was laughing at something one of them said. He needed

this. This was his community. His comrades, his fellow soldiers and he needed to meet with them socially. I understood that and I wanted that for him. As the night wore on, everyone around me, including the wives, seemed to consume copious amounts of alcohol. If I wasn’t pregnant, I was pretty sure I would be flat on my face by now. As it was, I was pretty sure I was the only sober person in the entire bar. The women were huddled down on one end of the table discussing school politics. The men were passionately competing at darts and drinking their faces off. I felt all the muscles in my body tense when I noticed Harper approach the men. She was wearing a short jean miniskirt that was half way up her long lean legs coupled with a white, button up shirt that was open far enough to show plenty of cleavage and tied around her midriff. Her long blond hair was sexy messy. “I was telling the math teacher, there is no reason to punish Ben with extra homework. He needs help not more work.” She walked right up to Jackson who was about to take his turn at the dart board. He looked down at her and said something that made her laugh. I felt my cheeks flush. Something ugly crawled in my stomach. “Well, did you hear what the gym teacher did to

the grade six class? They had to do boot camp in the rain. Those kids were freezing. I phoned the teacher and told her that this wasn’t BUDs training, this was physical education.” Jackson finished tossing his darts and walked back to the high table. Harper followed him. He took a sip of his beer. I watched as she took the bottle from him and took a haul off his beer. She was talking, a huge smile on her face. She said something that made them both laugh. I watched as she leaned down on the table, pushing up her cleavage so it was spilling out of her shirt. She looked ridiculously sexy. It was Jackson’s turn to shoot again, only this time he gave Harper his darts. He was looking over her shoulder as she took her aim and shot the dart. She obviously made a great shot because she turned around and gave him a quick hug. I wanted to puke. Instead, I stood up. On unsteady legs, I walked to the washrooms. I washed my hands and stared back at my reflection. My belly beneath my loose dress looked less like a baby and instead I just looked short and chubby. My face was chalk white. I couldn’t compete with that. Harper was everything I wasn’t. She was tall, curvy, sexy and blonde. I was a short, pregnant and shy redhead and I felt so low, I could barely deal. It didn’t matter how much he told me there was

nothing between them. Those were all lies. The moment those two came together, sparks were flying off them both. He was committed to me, but I knew in my heart that he loved her. I dried my hands on a paper towel and straightened my shoulders. Jealousy burned in my gut. My husband was in love with another woman. I hated my life. I weighed my options. Run away? Leave the bar? Pick a fight? Been there, done that. Nothing made a difference. Now it was time to just accept the truth of the matter. At some point, I knew in my heart, he would be leaving me for her. I wasn’t going to solve anything tonight. My goal was to make it through the evening in one piece. I would smile, laugh, and pretend to be happy. Right now that was the only strategy I could think of. I was walking back towards the tables, when someone grabbed my arm. “45 calories.” My smile was huge. “Burger guy.” “What are you doing here?” “Watching everyone else drink, you?” “Same.” I smiled up at him. “You’re not drinking?” He shook his head. “BUDs is too intense. We have tonight off and tomorrow when they put us through the most insane exercises, I would rather not be hung over.”

His discipline impressed me. “Good for you. Is it going okay?” “It’s what I expected.” He looked behind him. “My pool partner just took off after some hot chick. Wanna play a game?” “Oh, I don’t know. I’m a terrible pool player.” “Just play a round with me so I can hold the table.” I glanced over to where Harper and Jackson were engrossed in their dart game. My teeth ground. “Sure. Why not.” I made a point of keeping my back to Jackson and Harper. I didn’t want to see them. It made me feel too bad. Mark racked up the table and then let me take the first shot. As promised, I was terrible. “Tell you what, I’ll give myself a handicap,” Mark said. “What is that?” “I have to sink all of my balls and two of yours.” “That sounds like cheating to me.” “Not at all. It will even the playing field a bit.” We started to play. I could barely hit the white ball, much less hit the other balls with the white ball. “Want a tip?” “Sure.” “Hold your cue like this,” he leaned over the

table and demonstrated. “And you look down the cue like this. See how this creates a line?” I leaned awkwardly over the table. He moved beside me and adjusted my elbow, my hand and then my fingers around the cue. “Loosen up your grip here, you’ve got a death grip,” he teased. I started to laugh. “I can’t help it.” “I’m going to need to get some pliers to loosen you up,” he said. I put my head down, laughing as he tried to pry my fingers off the cue. He looked over my shoulder. “Yup. See how the cue makes a perfect line towards the white ball?” “Yes.” “Now gentle, just slide it back and shoot.” I did as instructed and managed to pocket one of my balls. “I did it.” “That was fantastic. Now you get to take another shot.” I moved around the table. “Like this?” He came over and looked over my shoulder, adjusting the cue. “There.” I took the shot and watched as the ball rolled towards the pocket. Suddenly a large hand stopped the ball. I lifted my eyes and there was Jackson. “Hey,” I straightened up. “You just messed up

my shot. That would have gone in.” He walked around the table, zero expression on his face. He tugged the pool cue from my hand and then laid it on the table. “I want to talk.” “Right now?” my eyes were wide. He took my hand and without even looking at Mark, he was pulling me behind him, across the bar. He pulled me down a dark hallway, around the corner from the washrooms. I looked up at my husband in the dark shadows and knew that he wasn’t happy. Well, that made two of us. “What are you doing?” He moved towards me, not speaking. I stepped back until my back was against the wall. He put one big hand against the wall beside my head, and loomed over me. “Did you forget something?” his voice was conversational. “No.” He traced a long finger across my collarbone and then slowly down my sternum. Shivers coursed through my body. “Did you forget who your husband was?” I looked up at his face. “No. Of course not.” He wrapped one big hand behind my neck and then his mouth was feasting on mine. He bit, nibbled, nipped and coaxed me until I was fairly swooning beneath him. My body responded to his

smouldering kiss. A spark was flared, igniting in me an intense craving for this man who so easily tortured me. “Jackson,” I gasped, as he bent his head, working his lips down my neck, stimulating every nerve along the way. “I think you need a little reminder,” he said, as his lips brushed over my collarbone. “I know who I’m married to,” I said, my eyes shut, my head against the wall. My eyes flew open when I felt a big hand slide up my thigh, pushing beneath my skirt. I felt scandalized. “Jackson!” His mouth covered mine again, making my head spin. I felt one of his feet kick my legs apart and then my eyes went wide in panic as I felt his fingers lightly trace over my panties. I jerked my head back from his kiss. “What are you doing?” His green eyes glittered in the shadows, as I felt him push a finger beneath my panties and then he was sliding along my most private parts. In a panic, I tried to hold his thick wrist, “Not here!” “Shhh,” he soothed, as his long finger slowly pushed inside of me. His touch provoked the most intense heat to wash over my body. Transfixed, I succumbed to his touch. My head rolled back against the wall, as his

fingers pushed deeper into me. Tormenting me. Teasing me to the point that I felt I was going to go mad. His stubble scraped my neck, his lips, sucked on a sensitive nerve, my head lolled back while his buried fingers swirled and caressed me. My hips were rolling, pushing towards his hands, wanting more. My back was arched. I was breathing hard. A sob escaped me when his fingers curled up, to skim something inside of me that made my knees weak. “Jackson,” I begged. “What do you want?” his voice was low. “You,” I whimpered.

Chapter 37 He moved so fast, my head was spinning. One minute I was pinned against the wall, with his fingers deep inside of me, the next minute he was dragging me down the hallway, and pushing through the backdoor. I stumbled into the dark back alley. There was a picnic table against the wall. Jackson spun me around so my hands were flat on the table. I groaned as I felt him flip up my skirt and then he was pulling my panties down my hips. I looked around frantic, completely aware that anyone at any moment could walk outside, to see me naked from the waist down, legs spread and bent over the picnic table. “Jackson,” I gasped, looking over my shoulder. “Someone could see us.” “So, let them watch.” I heard the rasp of a zipper and then his huge glorious girth was pushing up inside of me. I mewed, my head dropping forward as he filled me completely. “You like that?” “Oh God,” I groaned, as I felt his big hands on

my hips. He began to thrust into me without apology. Goosebumps covered my skin as I felt him pull my hips back and push harder up into me. He was huge, plundering into me without apology. The cool air on my naked skin was a contrast to the searing heat that was threatening to combust me. His movements were relentless as he penetrated me with both force and speed. I felt his teeth nip my shoulder, but all I could focus on was how filthy and erotic it felt to be taken in such a primal way. “You think that maybe Mark wanted to bend you over the pool table and take you like this?” his voice was almost a growl. “No,” I gasped, my entire body was in overdrive. Rushes of pleasure washed over me with each powerful thrust. I felt so exposed, this situation felt so dangerous, so forbidden, it was all I could do to hold myself up against that table while my husband invaded me with a fierceness that was uniquely Jackson. A dangerous throb was pulsing inside of me as he pushed me towards the edge. I didn’t want this to end. I fought my climax. He grabbed my hair and yanked my head back. “I think my wife needed a little reminder who she was married to.” “I remember,” I whimpered. My legs were shaking so hard, they were threatening to collapse

beneath me. All I could focus on was his rigid length that invaded me with each delicious thrust. His big hand came around my neck, holding me in place and with that, I spasmed around him, flying apart with an earth shattering orgasm. “That’s it,” he hissed. And then he was crushing me with long hard strokes before he swore with his release. My entire body was shuddering around him. Jello legs shaking. Heart pounding. I stood there, clutching that table, while he pulled out. I heard his zipper come up and then strong hands were at my ankles, pulling up my panties. Then he flipped my skirt back down over my thighs. I turned around. We stood there looking at each other. Both of us still breathing hard. He dropped a hard kiss on my lips. “Don’t forget again.” After that performance. I just might. I was half dazed as he took my hand and led me back into the bar. He dropped me back off to where the women were still sitting around talking. On shaking legs, I dropped to my seat. “Hey, where did you go?” Lauren asked. “Just went to get some air,” my voice was shaky. I looked over to where Jackson was standing and talking to some guys. He took a sip of his beer, his eyes never leaving my face. I looked around the bar. Harper was no where to be found.

I had just been completely ravished by my husband. In a public place. I wanted to laugh and cover my face and blush with embarrassment. Instead I just sat there with the women. Laughing and talking, pretending that everything was fine, but my body felt like it was in overdrive. Countless times, I would look up, my eyes seeking out Jackson. It didn’t matter where he was. Talking to his buddies. Playing pool. Sitting at the table. Every time I looked up, he was already watching me with a dark, impossible to read, expression on his face. A look that made my knees weak. I should be furious about how he manhandled me. I should be insulted that he thought I would cheat on him with the skinny, gentle kid who was teaching me to play pool. The truth of the matter was I loved every single second of his intense gaze, the ferocious way he took me and how it made me feel so desired and wanted. It filled me with hope. The strange idea that Jackson could possibly be jealous of Burger kid filled me with more hope than I had felt in months. There was an equally good chance that this was just the navy SEAL part of him that didn’t like to lose, but I was clinging to the idea that maybe there was a very small part of him that actually cared. *** By the time we left the bar, I was dead on my

feet. It was a good four hours past my usual bedtime and all I wanted to do was lie down and shut my eyes. We were silent in the cab, and I felt myself nodding off. I felt Jackson lift me across the backseat and then I was snuggling up against him. “Thanks,” I mumbled. Loving how warm he was, how good he smelled. It seemed like only a moment had passed and then Jackson was talking to me. “Come on. We’re home.” I was so tired I felt drunk. It was all I could do to brush my teeth and collapse in bed. *** I woke up to light streaming into the bedroom and the sound of Jackson talking to Chloe. I smiled into my pillow. “What do you think, do you think this goes here?” No response from Chloe. “Well, look at this. It actually fits. Can you pass me the screwdriver? No? You’re just going to lie there and look cute?” Silence from Chloe. I moved to the doorway of Alien’s room. Jackson was sitting on the floor, head bent over a partially built piece of furniture. Chloe was lying on her side, and wagged her tail when she saw me. Jackson had already assembled the crib and the matching dresser.

He glanced up at me, but didn’t speak. God this man confused me. “Wow, you assembled Alien’s bed,” I stepped over Chloe and walked over to the beautiful mahogany crib, running my hand over the smooth wood. He had placed the mattress in the crib. I stood looking down at the bed, my heart pounding in my throat. One day Alien would leave the safety of my body and would be out in the world. Tiny and helpless. And I would be responsible for this baby’s care. The thought was almost paralysing. He stood up behind me and slid the dropside rail down. “Here’s the clasp to move the rail up and down.” As we stood there, it dawned on me that we were in this together. We were having a baby. I didn’t know whether to start crying or to star laughing. How had we got here? “You ordered the crib,” he said. “From New York?” I ran my hand over the tiny mattress. “Yes.” “Okay, make sure you give me the receipt, so I can pay you back.” My entire body froze. I looked over at him. He was moving back to his project on the floor, the change table. I had ordered the bedroom set from an exclusive baby store called Giggle, in New York. “For the furniture?”

“Yes.” “I can pay for it.” Jesus. It wasn’t like I didn’t have the money. “I provide for you.” “Yeah, but I can help.” “I’m your husband. I’m working. I take care of you and our bills.” I looked over my shoulder at him. He was looking up at me, his expression was clear. “Why should you have to pay for everything?” “It’s my job.” My heart started beating at his rather oldfashioned view. “You’re serious?” “Completely.” It was preposterous that he wanted to pay for everything. The amount of interest I accrued from my investments in one month was probably more than Jackson made in an entire year. “Can we talk about this later?” “We can, but the outcome isn’t going to change.” “We’re married now. My money is your money.” “I don’t want your fucking money, Emily. I’ll never touch your money.” I felt a weird lump in my throat. I almost couldn’t speak. It was the stupidest argument in the world, considering how much money I actually had, but it still made me want to cry. Almost every

friendship, and every relationship that I had was been built on the fact that I had so much. The fact that he didn’t want any of it, made me want to cry. No one had ever said that to me before. It also made me want to share all of it with him. For the first time, I was in a relationship without my money. It felt so glorious and free and it made me love him that much more. I looked down at him, unable to speak. He lifted his eyes up at me. I swallowed. “Well, I didn’t know that. When I bought this furniture.” His eyes narrowed. Thinking. “How much exactly did you spend?” I took a deep breath. “Well, I think maybe we can implement your new policy starting today or you can start unscrewing this furniture and put it back in the box.” His eyebrows went up. “You spent that much?” I winced. “I didn’t really think about it.” I hadn’t. I had never been on a budget in my entire life. I wasn’t a spendthrift but I had always had more than enough for whatever I bought. It never dawned on me to limit myself. If I liked something, I bought it. And I had really liked this crib set. He looked around the room. “Shit.” The guy was actually contemplating sending it all back. “Please. I really like this furniture and by the

time you send this back and the new stuff comes, you might be gone. And who will put it together?” He gave me a derisive look. “You’re not going to tell me how much you spent, are you?” “You might begrudge Alien if I do.” I said in a small voice. He shook his head, a smile on his face. “Fine. But going forward, I pay for shit.” I stood there looking down at him. He didn’t love me. He loved another woman. But he was committed to us. Alien and myself. Enough to share his earnings. Enough to create a home with us. Enough to spend his time walking Chloe and building baby furniture. His commitment was unwavering. I walked over to him, leaned down in front of him and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Thank you.” A big arm came around me and then he was hauling me onto his lap. Two hands pushed my hair back as green eyes studied my face. “What?” I asked, staring up into his face. “Let’s have a fun day today.”

Chapter 38 We were in the truck literally flying down the highway, Jackson’s music blasting. “Are you going to tell me where we are going?” I looked over at Jackson. He was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. “Nope.” “Not even a hint?” He glanced over at me, a smile on his face. “Not even a hint.” “Am I going to like it?” He looked thoughtful. “You’ll love it.” I smiled, just so happy that we were spending the day together. My happiness faded when he pulled into a large parking lot of an airstrip and I read the sign on the building, “Jump School.” “What is this place?” I said, my heart in my throat. “We’re going parachuting.” He parked the truck and killed the engine. Fear seized my throat so hard, I almost couldn’t speak. “No.” “Come on,” he said, opening his door. “It’s going to be fun.”

I got out of the truck and caught up to him. “I can’t do this.” He took my hand. “Sure you can.” I shook my head. “No, I really can’t.” There was a long list of things that terrified me, but heights was probably one of my top fears. I could barely stand on a chair without my knees knocking together. Don’t even get me started on ladders. We walked into the building. “Wait here.” I watched with nauseating anxiety as he handed some papers to one of the men. The guy nodded and then Jackson was walking back towards me. “Jackson,” I said, my voice pleading. “I really can’t do this.” “Relax,” he said with an easy smile. “You’re going to be strapped to me.” I stood there for a long moment and debated refusing. I looked up at Jackson. He looked so happy, so carefree. How would it feel to refuse, to have to wipe that smile off his face, to walk back like a coward to the truck. Things between us were already so tentative. He had planned this. This was his idea of a fun day. I didn’t want to disappoint him. Maybe I could just shut my eyes and somehow get through this. He stepped forward and cupped my face in his hands. “Do you trust me?”

I nodded, unable to speak, my throat was so dry. “Why?” “I don’t know. I just trust you that we’ll be okay.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized that was true. I trusted this man with my life. I may absolutely hate every single moment of this experience, but I knew that throughout it, he would keep me safe. His smile was huge. “You sure you want to do this? We’re going to get in a plane and then we are going to jump out.” I thought for a moment I might pass out. “Okay.” “We can leave if you want.” “No, let’s do this.” “You sure?” “Yes.” “Emily. I won’t be mad. If you want to walk, we walk. We can go find something else to do.” “We’re doing this.” He looked momentarily conflicted and the he grinned. “Okay. Let’s gear up.” I followed him to another room, where he fitted me with a strange harness that went around both my legs and over my shoulders. He also gave me some goggles. I watched as he looked over his gear and then strapped it on. The man he had been talking to, came into the room and did a double

check of all our harnesses and straps. And then Jackson took my hand and led me out to a tiny airstrip. I wanted to pee my pants as I watched the tiny plane taxi towards us. Jackson looked over at me. “Last chance to back out.” It was tempting but I didn’t want to disappoint him. I shook my head. Jackson held my hand as I climbed up the little ladder into the plane. Then we were taking off. The plane was noisy. Jackson and the guy were joking and laughing together, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying over the roar of the engine. For a moment I thought I was going to puke, but somehow I managed not to. The earth below us was patches of green and the horizon looked huge. Dear God we were high up. Now we were above the freaking clouds. Every time I thought about the fact that we had to jump out of this moving plane, I thought I was going to hyperventilate. And then Jackson moved behind me. His legs were on either side of me. My eyes were squeezed shut as I felt him tug on my straps. I could tell that he was strapping himself to me. Now when he moved back, I was tugged back. The guy moved beside us and double checked all our straps again. The guy looked at me and yelled over the wind tunnel, “Keep your arms crossed over your chest.” I nodded in fear and then he put my goggles up

on my face. Jackson tightened the strap around my head. And then, to my complete horror, the guy opened the door of the plane. Wind gusted in, catching my breath. It didn’t matter. In a moment I probably would be dead from a heart attack. I felt Jackson wrap his huge arms around me. His face nuzzled my neck. “You ready?” I shook my head no. I heard him laugh. And then he was lifting me up. We were on our bums, scooting precariously near to the door. Oh my God. We were about to leap out of a plane. My legs were hanging out the door, Jackson was holding onto the bar above our head. His legs were hanging out over the plane on either side of mine. I felt him tilt my head back so it was resting against his shoulder. And then he reached across me and made sure my arms were crossed over my chest. “Ready?” I heard him yell. “No,” I screamed. “We’re going to die.” And then he was tilting forward and we were falling. Oh my God. We tumbled head over heels. It felt like a rollercoaster dive that didn’t end. And then we stabilized. I was on my stomach and Jackson was on my back. I felt him take my hands and part them, so I was spread eagle. Like a frog. The wind was flapping my face. The world looked so beautiful below. Despite the fact that we were

plunging towards death, it was also surreal and calm at the same time. It seemed like time slowed down for us. And in that moment, my trust of Jackson was absolute. Suddenly I heard flapping and then we were flipped to an upright position. I looked above my head as the huge parachute opened above our heads. We instantly slowed down. “Oh my God,” I yelled. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. I could hear Jackson laughing behind me. “Hang on,” he said, “This is where it gets fun.” He pulled the straps above our head and suddenly we were swooping in massive big glides from side to side. I hung there in amazement as the world below us got bigger and bigger. “Legs forward,” he said. I shot my legs forward and then he landed at a run, and suddenly I was being gently lowered to the ground, landing backwards on Jackson. His arms wrapped around me. I lay there in a daze, the only thing I could do was laugh. “You did it.” “I loved it. I just jumped out of a plane,” I was giggling uncontrollably. Adrenaline pumping through my body like a drug. “Yes you did.” He stood me up on shaking legs. I couldn’t do anything but stand there and tremble while Jackson

worked to unhook us. He turned me to face him. “I’m so proud of you.” I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. “That was so unreal.” He worked to take off my harness, but a smile played on his lips. Then he gathered up the chute and together we walked back to the hanger. “How was it?” the guy who took our gear from us asked. “Thank you so much. I loved it.” Jackson and him shook hands. “Nice seeing you man.” *** We walked back towards the truck. He opened the passenger door for me and gave me a hard kiss. “Thank you.” “For what?” He brushed some hair off my face. “For trusting me.” “I thought we were going to die.” “I know you did. But you still did it anyways.” He lifted me up on the seat. I felt inordinately proud of myself. *** Later at the fish and chip stand, I looked at Jackson. “I can’t believe I did that.” He started to laugh. “Neither can I.” “What do you mean?” He looked at me for a long moment and then

said. “I wasn’t really going to take you jumping.” “What?” “I was just teasing you. I had to drop off some papers.” I stared at him dumbfounded. “So that wasn’t our fun day?” He shook his head. “No. I was just messing with you. But then you were so damn trusting, I thought what the hell.” “Jackson!” I was laughing. “I honestly can’t believe you did that.” I shook my head, a huge smile on my face. “You are in so much trouble.” “But you did it.” “Yeah. I guess I did.” We sat there eating for a moment. I said, “It blows my mind that they just let people walk off the street and jump out of their planes.” He shrugged. “You were a special deal. You got to miss the 8 hours of classes.” My mouth hung open. “What?” “Normally, jumpers have to go to jump school.” “But why would they do that?” “They know me.” “I took Alien skydiving before he was even born.” He look amused. I stared at him across the table. “Do you

consider yourself an adrenaline junkie?” “No, not really.” “Do you ever get scared?” He took a sip of his beer. “Of what?” I shrugged. “On the job. Does anything ever scare you?” “We control our emotions.” I tried again. “Maybe you control your fear, but do you ever feel it?” His smile was easy. “What scares you?” “Everything.” “Everything?” I rested my chin on my hands. “Meeting new people, job interviews, going on dates.” “Going on dates?” I lifted my chin. “Yes. I used to date before I met Matt.” This caught his attention. “Tell me.” I paused. “I was a disaster dater.” “I doubt that very much. Tell me your worst date.” “You tell me yours.” “You first.” I thought for a moment. “This guy came into our gallery a lot. He seemed charming and like a gentleman, so I was more than pleased when he asked me out. He took me to an art show and was holding my hand and he even gave me this beautiful kiss. Then we went for dinner. Suddenly

he looks up and his face falls.” “Uh-oh.” “It was his girlfriend. She had just walked in with some friends. She was clueless when she came over. She kissed him and he told her that I was a client. Then he invited her and her friends to join us.” “No way. Did you bust him?” I shook my head. “I was so mortified, for both her and myself, I couldn’t. After five minutes, I excused myself to go to the washroom and instead walked out of the restaurant.” Sympathetic eyes looked at me. “What a dick.” “That scared me off men for awhile. What about you?” He squinted. “Worst first date?” “Yeah.” He grinned. “It’s bad.” “Do tell.” “I met her at a bar and she was hot. So I phoned her and asked her out. Usually I pick my dates up at their place but she insisted at meeting me at a bar. Well, when I walked into the bar she was already loaded. Then she picked a fight with the biggest guy in the bar by throwing a drink on him and when he was understandably pissed, she told him that her boyfriend would hurt him. It took me a few moments to realize she was talking about me. I didn’t want to fight him, so I ended up

spending way too much money settling his tab. The date was over before it started. I was driving her home and she puked into her purse. When we pulled up at her house, daddy was waiting for her on the porch.” “No!” “She was 15 but I swear she looked like she was at least 22.” “Jackson!” I started laughing. “Her dad was resigned. He knew exactly what his daughter was like.” “Oh my God.” “Do you understand why Alien needs to be a boy?” Jackson’s phone rang.

Chapter 39 “Hello.” I watched as Jackson’s face freeze as he listened to whomever was talking on the other end. “Are you for real?” “Jesus.” He hung up and looked at me. His eyes were full of anguish. “Jackson, what is it?” “Chris is dead. He was killed in a motorcycle accident.” “What?” “We have to go.” The drive back to the base was silent. I looked over at Jackson a million times but he was stone man. Completely blank. “I’m so sorry, Jackson.” It was like he didn’t even hear me. He pulled up to our house and looked over at me. “I have to go see Chris’ wife.” I nodded and got out of the truck. *** I was in shock. I went into the house and

Jackson drove off. Ten minutes later, Lauren was calling me. “Did you hear?” “Yes. I can’t believe it.” She was crying. “Chris has a wife and a toddler.” “Oh my God.” “I guess he went for a motorcycle ride this morning. He was hit by a drunk driver.” Tears rolled down my face. “Jackson went over there.” “Yeah, all Chris’ unit will go over and do whatever they can to help.” “Lauren,” I said. “What should I do?” She sniffed. “Be there for Jackson.” *** I spent the rest of the day cleaning, mostly because I had no idea what else to do, and I needed to keep busy. I didn’t hear from Jackson. I waited until I couldn’t keep my eyes open and then I climbed into bed. *** I woke up to the front door slamming. I lay there listening. Jackson was downstairs and making a lot of racket. Pulling a robe on, I crept down the stairs. He was sitting on the couch. There was a half empty bottle of Jim Bean between his legs. He lifted his head and looked at me. His expression was one of defiance and frustration. My husband

was extremely angry. He watched me as I approached. I sat on the couch beside him. I had no idea what to say. I knew grief. Other people talking didn’t help. Talking only helped when it was the grieving person who did the talking. So I put my knees to my chest and just waited with him. He occasionally took a long haul off the bottle but he didn’t say anything either. He made no motion to touch me and I was pretty sure if I attempted to touch him or comfort him, he would push me off. His voice jarred me awake. “I went through BUDs with Chris. It was Stubbs, Bixley, Chris and I. We were all in the same graduating class.” Stubbs and Bixley were the two men that had been killed on Jackson’s bad tour. Now Chris had died. These men were his family. These men were not just co-workers. He loved these men as much as I had loved my parents or my granny. He continued. “I was his best man at his wedding. And today, I had to sit with his wife while she cried and cried. All because some dumb fuck was too drunk to call a cab.” My eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t imagine her level of pain. I couldn’t. “It’s one thing to die in the line of duty, but now his death has no meaning. Now his little daughter is going to grow up without her daddy. And tonight his wife is alone.”

That is what death is like. That first night is the worst. The pain, the disbelief. It’s almost too much to bear. I knew exactly what that woman was going through tonight. My heart ached for her. “Chris loved her so fucking much,” Jackson looked at me. “I remember the first night they met. We were at a bar. We had a weekend off BUDs and he saw her sitting at a table with her girlfriends. He looked over at me and told me that she was the woman he was going to marry. He knew from the moment he saw her that she was different.” Tears smarted my eyes. I nodded. “What Chris and Dena had between them was real. It wasn’t make belief. They were the real deal. Before them, I never really understood what love was. But they knew.” Tears streaked down my face, which I hastily wiped off. He looked over at me. “I think you should leave me alone.” This is the man who had pushed Harper away after Bixley and Stubbs had died. Grief was a powerful emotion. It made you feel crazy. When you are grief stricken, you don’t want to be around anyone, yet you don’t want to be alone. It was also one level above anger and fear. Today he got a pass on everything. Whatever he thought he wanted, he would get from me.

“Okay.” I stood up. He looked up at me. “Just like that?” “Just like what?” “You’re going to leave me alone?” I stood there in front of him, unsure what to say. “Isn’t that what you said you wanted?” He gave a dark laugh. “You’re not going to fight me on that? You’re not going to tell me that I shouldn’t be alone?” “I think you know what you need right now,” I said quietly. “I love you and I just want to give you what you need.” He glowered at me. “You just think you love me.” I paused. “No, Jackson. I actually do love you.” He shook his head. “You don’t know me. You don’t know who I am. So how the fuck can you say you love me?” Jesus. This was a dark side of him that I had never seen before. “Then tell me who you are.” He shook his head. “That would be a bad idea.” “You could tell me anything, Jackson, and I would still love you.” Our eyes met. He grabbed my hand and tugged me so I was standing in front of him. He looked up at me. The man was drunk but coherent. “Why did you trust me today?”

It took me a moment. “When we jumped out of the plane?” “Yeah.” “Because you asked me to.” He frowned. “But you were so scared. I could feel your entire body shaking.” “You asked me to jump out of a plane with you. I knew it would be fun for you. And you asked me to trust you, so I knew we would be safe.” “You thought we would die. Yet you still flung yourself out of a plane because I asked you to?” It felt like a trick question, but that is exactly how it happened. “Yes.” “Why do you trust me?” “I believe in you. When you tell me that you will keep me safe, I believe you.” He just stared up at me, his eyes searching mine. And then he reached up and tugged at the belt of my robe. It fell open. My stomach fluttered as he tugged me so that I was straddling him. His hands went up to my breasts and I arched my back as his mouth sucked on my nipple. He pushed open his pants and then he was pulling me onto him. I cried out as I felt him push inside of me. I put my hands on his face. His red eyes stared up at me. So serious. So intense. With his hands on my hips, he slowly began to move me up and down on him. It felt wrong yet so

right. After such a tragedy, it was a moment where we both needed to remember that we were still alive. We needed to connect. Our eyes locked as I slowly moved up and down on him. I was becoming distinctly out of breath. His big hands moved to my hips, helping me lift up and down. My hands pushed into his hair. My mouth on his. Kissing. He tasted like bourbon and Jackson. I couldn’t get enough. “Oh God,” he groaned, as he pulled me down harder on his thick length. “Why do you love me?” he was out of breath. Green eyes were looking up at my face. “What?” I was almost delirious with desire. I couldn’t think. “Tell me why.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and put my forehead against his. I was trying to think of a coherent answer. “I love how kind and protective you are. You make me feel safe.” I continued to move on him, moaning at the sensations that coursed through my body. He watched my face, his pupils were so wide his eyes look almost black. I put his face in between my hands. “You’re the most amazing person I know. I trust you.” “But why do you love me?” “Jackson,” I was breathless. “I don’t understand.”

“Why me?” “I don’t know, I just do,” I said. One strong hand came behind my neck, pulling me down to his face. His lips were against mine. “Tell me why.” I felt my whole body tightening. My climax was roaring towards me. I fought it as he moved beneath me. I opened my eyes and looked into his. I could barely speak. Thinking of that little kid who was repeatedly told that he wasn’t worthy of love. “No one deserves to be loved more than you.” “If you knew who I was, you wouldn’t love me.” I was teetering on the edge, as he pumped up without mercy into me. “I want to know you. I want to know everything about you.” I held his face in my hands and we looked into each other’s eyes as he drove me off the edge. I cried out hard, shutting my eyes as waves so intense washed over me, I couldn’t even think. “Look at me,” he begged. “Look at me.” I opened my eyes and focused on his face. There he was. “Jackson,” my voice sounded strangled. “Oh God, Emily,” he winced, his green eyes were wide on my face as he found his release. We stared at each other. And then, as if he couldn’t take the intensity between us, he wrapped his strong arms around me and buried his face against

my neck. “Emily.” My arms wrapped around his head. We stayed like that for a really long time. Just holding each other. Without meeting my eyes, he lifted me off him, back onto shaking legs. Without looking at me, he said, “Now you should leave me alone.” I nodded, my cheeks wet with tears. “Okay. I’ll be upstairs in bed if you need me.”

Chapter 40 Three days passed. Jackson was gone long before I woke up and he came home long after I went to bed. I heard him come in at night, but he never came upstairs. The man was mourning and he wanted nothing to do with me. Lauren was my seeing eye dog through all of this. She told me about the funeral. What to wear and how there was going to be a massive get together at the community hall after the military funeral service. She explained that pretty much the entire community would want to pay their respects to Chris and his family. Instead of making the widow foot the bill for such a huge gathering, it would be a giant potluck with a cash bar. All proceeds from the bar would go towards his wife. Everyone would pitch in to help serve and clean up. The men would setup and tear down the tables. Together, everyone would work together as a team to say goodbye to Chris. *** The morning of the funeral, I brought my food to the hall. Lauren had coordinated the food and I

was responsible for bringing a pan of brownies, a potato salad and a fruit tray. I dropped the food off at the community hall, where men were already setting up the tables. I got dressed for the funeral and waited. Jackson came home. Without saying a word, he shaved and put on his dark military uniform. We drove in silence to the cemetery. The service was devastating. Jackson, Alphie, Guinness, Forbes and Typhoon were all pallbearers. Chris was given a full military service that included soldiers firing their weapons. Chris’ wife was flanked by her two parents and Chris’ parents. The ceremony was short and hard to watch. *** There must have been two hundred people at the hall. It was surreal. Chris’ widow and the parents sat at the front table. Everyone took their turn, filing past them to give their condolences. I was an interloper. I had only met Chris once and I had never met his wife. Jackson stood with his unit. None of them were talking. They just stood there together, silent and drinking. Brothers banded together. They didn’t talk to anyone else and no one approached them. Not even their wives. I walked into the kitchen and looked at Lauren.

“Put me to work.” Her eyes were red from crying. “Okay. We need a dishwasher.” She showed me how to use the industrial dishwasher. And then I spent the next three hours, spraying dishes and running them through the machine. Another woman, came and took away the clean dishes for me. *** Finally the onslaught of dishes slowed down to a trickle. Lauren came back and looked at me. “Are you still doing dishes?” “Of course.” She put her arm around my waist. “Come. Lets find you some food.” I ate with the woman who had helped me with dishes. We didn’t speak. I picked at my plate of food. I was hungry but I didn’t feel like eating. Finally, I pushed my plate away and stood up. I needed to go to the washroom. *** I was washing my hands when the door opened and shut. I looked up to see Harper standing with her back against the door. She looked stunning with her blonde hair pulled into a chignon and a slash of blood red lipstick that contrasted with her black dress. Leave it to Harper to look sexy at a funeral. I ignored her while I studied my reflection in

the mirror. “I don’t know why you are even here,” she said. “You’re not part of this group. You don’t belong here.” I began to dig through my purse for my lipstick, hoping that she could not see my hands shaking. “Jackson hates being tied down to you. He resents everything about you. Your neediness. Your lack of friends. This baby. You represent everything that he never wanted.” Without my permission, my head swivelled so I was looking at her but words failed me. She gave a knowing smile. “That night in San Lucas. Did he ever tell you what he did? He dragged me onto the beach. He couldn’t get enough of me. He was an absolute animal. Savage, insatiable. That was the night he told me that as soon as you gave birth, he was going to leave you.” Dark fear clawed at my throat. I took a deep breath. “You need to remember that we are at a funeral. Have some respect.” “You don’t belong here. You don’t understand this world and you never will,” she said. I had so many things I wanted to say to her, but the words were stuck inside of me. Without looking at her, I walked out on shaking legs. *** Jackson drove us home. He didn’t say a word.

We walked into the house. We went upstairs to change. I let Chloe outside and was standing on the deck when I heard a tremendous crash from inside. I opened the back door and stood there in shock. Jackson had thrown one of our dining room chairs across the room, smashing one of the lamps. I held my breath as he stalked across the room and picked up that chair. And then he began to repeatedly smash the chair against the dining room table. Chunks of wood were flying everywhere. He continued to hammer the table with the chair until the chair smashed into three pieces. He turned and fired part of the chair against the wall. A photo on the wall, dangled and swung before crashing to the floor. Jackson picked up another piece of the chair and threw that across the room. It bounced off the living room window. I was surprised that the glass didn’t shatter. I stood transfixed as Jackson flipped the dining room table. The flower vase, papers, books and candlesticks all went flying with a messy loud crash. I watched in mute horror as he started to repeatedly kick at one of the upturned legs of the table until it splintered off. Then he picked up the table leg and heaved it against the giant mirror in the front hallway. Glass shattered with a deafening crash.

He turned and looked at me, his face was a mask of anguish. I stood there in shock. Then he was stomping out the front door, slamming it hard behind him. I heard the roar of his truck and then he was gone. I looked in disbelief at our living room. It looked like a tornado had hit it. I didn’t even know how to process this. My husband, who never showed his emotions, had absolutely no idea how to process his pain. Keeping Chloe outside, I put on my shoes and vacuumed up the glass. I cleaned everything up to the best of my ability. I was exhausted. Emotionally defeated. I climbed into bed with Chloe and fell into a dreamless sleep. *** I woke up to a warm body pulling me against him. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice low. I didn’t say anything. I just lay there, staring into the dark. I felt his big hand stroke my hair. “Did I scare you?” I thought about that. The entire time I had watched him go ballistic, not once did it cross my mind that he would hurt me. “No.” A long pause between us. “I would never hurt you.” “I know.”

“I’m sorry if I scared you.” I twisted around, so I could face him. “You didn’t scare me.” He shut his eyes momentarily. “What I did was unacceptable.” I lifted my hand up to his face. Here was a man who had spent his entire life not showing his emotions to anyone. It came as no surprise that he had no framework in which to deal with his anger and his pain. “Jackson.” “That will never happen again. Okay?” “I know.” We lay there in silence for a long time. “Chris was 24 and I was 21 when we met in BUDs. He was older than all of us. We were all just a bunch of dumb kids, but he was wiser than the rest of us. He showed us how to be men.” I stroked his arm, listening. “I had a lot of issues. More than you could imagine but he was never afraid of me. He was always there for me.” “Jackson,” my heart was breaking for him. “I can’t imagine my life without him.” His voice was so full of anguish, my own tears started to fall. I wrapped my arms around him and hold him. He buried his face into my neck. His voice was anguished. “I’m so fucked up.” “No, your not.” “Chris knew me. You don’t know me. If you

did, you would hate me.” I had no words. The only comfort I had was to hold him tight. When I woke up, he was gone.

Chapter 41 Jackson was in mourning. He didn’t talk. He didn’t smile or laugh. He was dutiful in his duties of taking Chloe for walks or helping me around the house, but the man I knew was missing. He had completely withdrawn into himself. I didn’t understand him, but I did understand grief. So I did my best to be there for him. I made dinner for him. I was home when he came home. We were two silent strangers living together. It was breaking my heart, but I knew enough to not push him on anything. This pain was something he needed to work through on his own. He never asked me about my life, but even worse, he completely stopped talking about Alien. He seemed to have lost all interest in both of us. *** Two more weeks passed. Jackson, for all intense purposes, might as well have been deployed. He was completely withdrawn and didn’t even notice when my cast had been removed. We just coexisted together. We were two roommates who never talked. At dinner, I watched him eat, and then I

decided to press my luck a bit. “I have an ultrasound scheduled tomorrow for 5 PM.” Green eyes looked at me. “Did you want to come?” He slowly nodded his head. “Sure. Text me a reminder.” “Okay.” *** The next day, I waited outside the clinic until 4:59 PM. There was no sign of Jackson. Me: At our appointment. Are you running late? No response. With a sore heart, I went into the appointment by myself. The technician asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby. My eyes filled with tears. This was a decision that we were supposed to make together. “No thanks.” She gave me a sad smile. *** I cried on the way home. I had no idea how to deal with this situation. Did I give Jackson more time? Did I confront him? What was I supposed to do? I thought losing him to Harper would be the worst thing in the world. But this, this was worse. He didn’t want to be comforted. He didn’t want

my love. He was pushing me away and there was nothing I could do about it. How long would this last? How long until the delicate relationship that we had started to cultivate was completely shredded. When I came in the door, Jackson was standing in the kitchen on his phone. He didn’t even glance up when I walked in. Suddenly, I was so angry. I put my bag on the counter. “Where were you?” He looked up at me. “What are you talking about?” I swallowed my pain. “We had an ultrasound appointment.” He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “Fuck. Emily. I’m sorry.” “I waited for you.” His eyes narrowed on my face. “I thought you were going to text me a reminder.” “I did. I texted you the address. And then I texted you at 4:30 and at 5 PM. Neither text you replied to.” He shook his head. “I didn’t see any texts.” “I texted you!” I said, feeling so pissed. So hurt. He tossed his phone onto the counter. “Can we drop it?” I stood there and watched as he walked out into

the backyard. I snatched up his phone to see if he had gotten my texts. I stared at his phone in disbelief. The guy wasn’t even bothering to read my texts. All my texts were on his phone. They were just unread. Tears blinded my eyes. I stood there looking down at his phone. Harper’s name was also in his message list. Frowning, I swiped onto her name. All of her texts were being read. I shook my head in disbelief. Was this really happening to me? What was she saying that was so important that he was reading all her texts and not mine? I looked up at Jackson who was standing on the deck, with his back to me. Yes. I was going to be that chick. I clicked on her name. I started to scroll through her texts. *** Harper: I forgot to tell you. The other day, I was running and I had this huge runner’s high. And then, out of nowhere, I orgasmed. Remember the first time I had an orgasm when we went running? I can still remember how hot that made you when you realized what had happened to me. *** Harper: I know you said you are married and not available, but recent events makes me

think otherwise. All I can think about is how much I want you to put your face between my legs until I scream. Attached was a picture of her on a bed, her legs spread and wearing no fucking underwear. I stood there transfixed. Staring at the picture. Wanting to throw his phone across the room. I hated her. *** Harper: I want you to make me beg. I want you to fuck me until I can’t feel my legs. I want to scratch my nails down your back. And when you give me that knowing smile, I know you want the same thing. *** Harper: Want to run again today? Same place, same time? *** Harper: I’ve been thinking of you all day. I can’t get you out of my mind. I can tell you’ve been thinking about me too. When am I going to see you next? *** I stood there feeling like my heart was shattering into a million pieces. My hands were shaking. My heart was pounding so hard. My husband was being sexted by his ex-girlfriend. She was sending him dirty pictures and dirty texts detailing all the dirty things they used to do or things she wanted to do. Pure rage coursed through

my veins. With ice control, I carefully set his phone down on the counter. He had read every single one of her texts but none of mine. I was devastated. Without saying a word to him, I picked up my bag and walked back out of the house. Chloe obediently followed me out to the car. Suddenly I was driving on the highway with the huge gates and the stern looking guards in my review mirror. I didn’t even know where I was going. I just needed to drive. By the time I pulled into Newport, I was shaking. I pulled over at the boardwalk. I just needed a minute to collect myself. I let Chloe out of the car and watched as she raced across the beach. I was pretty sure I was in a state of shock. I staggered to a bench and sat down. My phone rang. It was Jackson calling. I hit ignore. I couldn’t do this anymore. I could not. Jackson was so obviously over this marriage. He hadn’t read a single one of my texts. I wondered how many time he had stared at the crotch shot of Harper. Jackson: Emily. Call me. Jackson and I were not a couple. Nope. Jackson was in an emotional partnership with Harper. They were the couple. Maybe Jackson

had resigned himself to committing to this marriage but the person he really wanted to be with was her. My phone started ringing. It was Jackson again. I hit ignore. Jackson: Emily. Answer your phone. I watched as Chloe walked along the sand, her nose to the ground. I needed a plan. I was sitting on a beach in Virginia with my dog and my purse. I needed to figure out what to do next. I could go home to New York, but that didn’t really appeal to me. Maybe I could just drive down the coast? Take a week to just come up with a better plan than that. Chloe and I could hang out on the beach. We could buy some clothes and dog food. It was a good a plan as any. Jackson: Tell me where you are. I stood up. “Come on Chloe. Let’s go.” As we walked back to the car, Jackson called again. I powered off my phone and tossed it on the dash. *** I drove for an hour along the coast line in the opposite direction of New York. Jackson loves Harper. Jackson will never love me. The words were stuck on repeat in my head. It was almost a relief to realize it. You get so wound up about ‘what ifs’ and worry about every aspect of it, that when it ends, you just think, okay it is over.

It’s done. I gave it my best shot and I failed. Now the struggle is over. Jackson literally took his big hands and ripped open my heart to a mushy mess. But there is a certain comfort with hitting rock bottom. I had no business being part of Jackson’s life. We didn’t know each other. Now we were just two strangers that were forced together because of a baby. It was the worst reason to get married. And now I was ending our marriage. It was the only sane thing to do. I swung into a Walmart. I picked up some essentials. I also bought some dog food for Chloe. I drove another hour and then when I could barely keep my eyes open, I checked into a motel that was dog friendly. I took a long shower and climbed into bed with Chloe. I curled up around her and went to sleep.

Chapter 42 After a tragedy, the best part of your day is those first few seconds when you wake up, because for a moment or two everything is fine. Then as your mind wakes up, you remember, and then pain snuggles up against your heart. I lay there in bed, feeling almost incapacitated by how bad I felt. I thought I would feel better in the morning, but I felt decidedly worse. I was essentially on the lam. Running away from my husband. I had absolutely no idea where to go or what to do next. All I knew is that I needed to be alone. I missed him. I thought that my love would be enough to make everything okay between us, but all it was doing was crushing me. Yes he was in mourning. He was grieving the loss of his friend, but he was also in the process of letting go of this relationship. He was pushing me back so far. He was making his choice. He wanted nothing to do with us anymore. The fact that he was reading Harper’s texts but not mine told me everything. I sat on the edge of the bed, floundering in my pain. He was committed to me. He would remain

the faithful and dutiful husband, but I realized that I wanted more. I needed more. I wanted and needed him to care about me. That is something that would never happen. I loved him with all my heart but it wasn’t enough. A successful partnership required both people to love. He loved Harper and he would never love me. I had thought that with his interest in Alien that somehow it would be okay. He would love our child and I would love him and somehow we would make it work. But now his disinterest in Alien was clear. I needed to find the strength to leave this man. My heart might be shattering over the loss of him in my life, but for my baby’s sake, I needed to do this. I would not raise this baby in a home where it’s father was indifferent and unable to care. *** I heard a knock at the door. I don’t know what I thought. Perhaps it was housekeeping. What I was not expecting was to swing open the door and see Jackson standing there, filling the entire door space. He was wearing the same clothes he had been wearing last night, but he had added a baseball cap. He looked exhausted. How had he found me? What was he doing here? What did he want? “How did you find me?” I stammered, my hand on my neck.

“Emily, I am a navy SEAL. It is my job to find people.” “I didn’t want you to find me.” He gave me a measured look. “Can I come in?” My heart was beating again. I hated how hope surged through my body. I was such a sucker for punishment. I stepped back. He walked in and immediately the room felt smaller. I crawled to sit on the bed. And then I waited. He leaned against the wall across from me and crossed his arms. “Want to tell me why you walked out?” I refused to answer. He tried again. “Is this because I missed the ultrasound?” The man was clueless. “Why bother following me? Why not stay back with your slutty girlfriend?” “What are you even talking about?” His voice was exasperated. “Harper.” “Harper is my ex-girlfriend. You’re my wife. Understand the difference. Why are you so stuck on her? She’s history.” “I’m not a fucking idiot, Jackson.” “I never said you were.” “I saw her texts. All of them. The sexting… where she is talking about her orgasms while

running with you….or how she wants you to put your face between her legs until she screams…or the best one is when she talks about how you will fuck her until she can’t feel her legs and she attached a nice shot of her crotch while wearing no underwear.” “You looked at my phone.” “I did. And I noticed that you read all of her texts but you haven’t bothered to read a single one of mine.” His expression didn’t change. I crossed my arms. “You’re a fucking liar.” “How am I the liar.” “You just told me that she is history. Doesn’t seem that way to me.” “Did I text her back?” “No.” “I’m not engaging with her.” “Why is she sexting you? You’re married.” “I’ve made that abundantly clear to her.” “She needs to leave you alone.” “Emily, she is just trying to raise shit and it’s working.” “I hate her!” I yelled. He walked towards me and then he was crouching in front of me. Looking up at me with his beautiful green eyes. He took my hands in his. “I’m so sorry.” My lips started to tremble. “I thought if I loved

you, it would be enough.” “It is enough.” I shook my head. “It’s not.” “Don’t give up on me.” I look down into his green eyes. He was so serious. I could feel my aching heart slowly start to beat again. I so wanted to fling myself in his arms. Why did this man have such a strong hold over me. “Harper wants you back.” “Let me handle her.” “She said that she goes running with you.” He shook his head. “I don’t. She just likes to show up on my runs.” “And you let her?” “I didn’t say that.” I fought my tears as I looked up at the ceiling. This was a disaster. I didn’t know if I should push to leave him or give him another chance. Why was he even here? Why did he seem to not care and then suddenly he was chasing me down. I felt so confused, I didn’t know what to do. Harper was a bitch. A cold, dog poisoning bitch who was doing everything in her power to steal this man away from me. She was cruel and cold and I hated her. I blinked at him. “What did you even see in her?” Shrug. “It was easy.”

“What does that mean?” “Exactly that.” “And I’m not.” His smile was beautiful. “No. There is nothing easy about you.” My eyes filled with tears. “Just because it was easy with her, doesn’t mean it was better.” “Why isn’t it easy with me?” He looked down at my hand and rolled my wedding ring between his fingers. “Because you say things like you want to know me.” I felt a tear trickle down my face. “I do.” He moved to sit down on the bed beside me. His expression was one of true regret. “If you find out who I really am, you won’t love me.” I shook my head. “That isn’t true.” “I’m pretty sure it is.” “What happens now?” my voice was a whisper. “Do you trust me?” “Yes. Do you trust me?” He gave me a solemn look. “Completely.” “Where do we go from here?” He gave me a smile. “I’m going to stop being such a dick. And I’m going to be the husband that you deserve.” “Is this because of Alien?” “That’s part of it.” I needed answers. I couldn’t just keep plugging

along here without a clue as to why we were doing this. Integrity and a sense of honour was not a good enough reason to ruin four lives. “Why else?” He took a deep breath but he didn’t answer me. Green eyes held my own. “Why do you want to stay married to me?” I pressed. His face was devoid of expression. He just stared back at me. “Is Alien the only reason?” “It’s the sex.” My mouth dropped open. “What?” He took a deep breath. “It’s different.” My heart started to race. “How?” He didn’t respond. “Tell me.” “You feel more real than anyone I have ever been with before.” My heart literally stopped beating in my chest. And then so much hope bloomed inside of me, I almost stopped breathing. I stared up at him. “Emily say something.” I nodded. “Okay. I will come home.”

Chapter 43 Jackson was true to his word. It took a few days for both of us to just relax and remember who we were, but somehow we managed to find our way back from that dark place. Attentive and caring Jackson was back. He teased Chloe. Made dinners with me. We went for long walks. We went shopping for a new dining room table and he helped me pick out bedding for Alien’s room. He cuddled me when we watched TV. Things hadn’t been rekindled in the bedroom, but I was hoping. And waiting. Things were tentative but I could see how much he was trying. Now it was my turn to just be patient. The man was going through his stuff and I needed to let him figure it all out. *** Jackson: Away baseball game tonight against a civilian team in Newport Me: Oh. Do you need a cheerleader? Jackson: Only if she is cute and pregnant Me: That can be arranged Jackson: Eat dinner. I will pick you up at 5

PM. *** True to his word, Jackson picked me up. We drove to a baseball diamond in Newport. I sat on the top of the bleachers, one of the few fans from the military that had shown up. At the end of the seventh inning, I watched with disgust as Harper slowly picked her way up the bleachers towards me. All I could think of was how this woman, from day one, had done her best to try and steal my husband away from me. The texts she had sent Jackson alone were enough to make me sick. She stood behind me, her arms leaning back against the metal bars. I ignored her. She leaned down. “So, how are things?” “Things are awesome.” “You’re pretty feisty for a soon to be ex-wife.” I looked over my shoulder. “Do you really think you can get him back?” She smiled down at me. “I know I can.” I shook my head. “That’s not what he told me.” She leaned forward and spoke in my ear. “I’m fucking your husband. I’m pretty sure he’s mine.” I had enough. I stood up, picking up my water bottle and my purse. She grabbed my arm. I turned and tried to yank my arm out of her grasp. “What are you doing?”

She shook her head. “You think you won because your pregnant and wearing that ring? Think again.” “Let go of me.” People around us were looking back at us. “He told me that he can barely stomach having sex with you. Why do you think he keeps coming back to me.” At that moment, everything became crystal clear. This woman wasn’t sleeping with Jackson. She wasn’t a threat to me. My eyes widened. “Actually, the sex is mindblowing. Like out of this world. He loves my pregnant body. He can’t get enough. How do you think we got here in the first place.” Her fingers were digging into my arm. “You’re a fucking liar.” I looked up at her face. I knew I had hit a nerve. “Ask him. He tells me that what we have is different than what he had with anyone else.” I thought her fingers were going to crush my arm. I tried to shake her off. She kind of shoved me at the same moment I yanked back. And then I was falling backwards. My arms flailed. Her face looked shocked and I saw her reach forward and try to grab me, but she missed and then suddenly, I hit the hard ground with a resounding thud. I was flat on my back staring at the sky. Completely winded, I could not get oxygen into my lungs.

I heard her scream, “Jackson!” It felt like my rib cage was refusing to respond. I sounded like a groaning boar but no matter how hard I tried, I could not get any air into my lungs. Jackson’s face loomed over me. “Emily, you’re winded.” My panicked eyes focused on his face. His hand was on my forehead. “You’re okay. Just relax. Just relax your rib cage.” It took forever, but suddenly my rib cage moved and I sucked in air. Beautiful oxygen filling my lungs. I lay there, stunned, taking in big gulps of air. “There is an ambulance on the way,” someone said. Jackson’s face was above me. “Don’t move.” “I’m fine,” I wheezed. “I just got the wind knocked out of me.” His eyes were wide. “You could have broken your neck or your back. I don’t want you to move a muscle.” “I’m fine.” “Don’t move.” I could hear the approaching wail of the ambulance. *** A spine board is probably one of the most uncomfortable things in the world. Especially when you are pregnant. I was rushed to emergency

and assessed by a doctor. My spine was fine. There were no broken bones. No fractures. I was completely okay. Jackson stood beside my hospital bed in the emergency room. He was still wearing his baseball outfit. We were waiting for a technician who was going to do an ultrasound on Alien. Alien was doing flip flops in my belly. I knew everything was fine, but no one was listening to me. “What happened,” Jackson face was remote. I shook my head. “Harper came up and was talking to me.” “What was she talking about?” “The same old stuff. How you were going to leave me for her. How you were sleeping with her.” His eyebrows went up high. “She said that to you?” “This isn’t the first time.” He looked shocked. “Emily.” I shrugged. “She grabbed my arm and I yanked it back. And we were going back and forth. And then I was falling backwards. And the rest is history.” A big hand covered his mouth. “Why didn’t you tell me?” “Tell you what?” “That she was harassing you.”

I stared at him in disbelief. What had I been doing all along? It had just fallen on deaf ears. The technician whipped back the curtain. “Someone here needs an ultrasound?” We watched as she wheeled the monitor beside the bed. My shirt came up, and then she was applying a liberal amount of gel onto my belly. “You had a fall?” she asked. “Yes, but I’m fine.” “What are you looking for?” Jackson asked, from the other side of the bed. “Just making sure that baby and the placenta are doing okay. Did you fall forward or on your side?” “Flat on my back.” “Okay, let’s see what we have here.” She pressed the wand onto my stomach. I looked up at Jackson. His eyes were glued to the monitor. His big hand held mine. “There’s your baby,” she said, pointing at the screen. “See, there is the head. And there is an arm.” Alien was starting to look like a real baby. With a very baby-like face. A cute button nose. A mouth. Jackson’s hand was tight around mine. I looked up at his face. His expression was one of complete awe and wonder. His eyes were glued to the screen. “Jesus,” he breathed.

I laughed. “There’s our baby.” Our eyes met. He was completely stunned. The technician seemed oblivious to the fact that my husband was completely transformed by the sight of our child. “Everything looks good. Placenta looks good. Baby looks great. Everything looks healthy. I think you two got lucky.” “Thank you.” She handed me some tissues to wipe off my stomach. And then she was writing in my chart and wheeling her machine away. I pulled my shirt down and looked up at Jackson. He was staring at me, like he was seeing me for the first time. “We’re having a baby,” he said. I started to laugh. “Yes. We are.” He looked at my stomach. “I knew that but… Alien is a baby. Inside of you.” I laughed again. “I know.” He sat down on a chair beside me and took my hand in both of his. His eyes stared into mine. “I knew you were pregnant.” “But shit just got real?” He nodded slowly and then a huge smile broke out over his face. “I feel like an idiot.” I shook my head. “That was exactly my reaction the first time during my first ultrasound.” “Complete disbelief?” I smiled back at him. “Stunned shock.”

“Jesus. Why didn’t I get this until now? I mean, I understood we were having a kid, but Emily, we’re having a baby.” Tears leaked out of my eyes. “Yeah. We are.” He kissed my hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t protect you from Harper.” I shook my head. “Jackson.” “No,” he said emphatically, giving me a clear look. “You will never be bothered by her again. You have my word on that.” “Sorry I ruined your baseball game.” He shook his head. “I got lucky. I’m so lucky you are okay.” “Can you take me home?” His smile was beautiful. “I can do that.”

Chapter 44 Jackson was treating me like spun glass. I insisted that I was fine, but he was catering to my every move. I couldn’t even sneeze and he was all over me. “This is ridiculous,” I said, as he plumped pillows around me on the couch. “You need to be taken care of.” “Jackson,” I protested. “A couple weeks ago, you took me up in a plane and we jumped out of it. We went sky diving.” He turned around, a look of guilt on his face. “That was the stupidest thing I have ever done.” “No, my point is that it was fun and I was fine. I’m pregnant, not an invalid.” “You had a fall.” “I don’t even feel like I fell. I’m not even stiff or anything.” But when it came time for bed, he picked me up and carried me up the stairs. Secretly, I was kind of digging the attention, but seriously. He was going way over board. We got ready for bed and then we were lying in bed, side by side. I longed for us to connect. To

become man and wife once again. So much had passed between us. It was the final distance between us. I rolled over on my side to look at his face. “What are you thinking of?” Green eyes traced over my face. “Just remembering when we went bed shopping.” “Really?” “I was lying beside you in that store and I was thinking how tiny you were. It made me wonder what it would be like to spoon someone so little.” My eyebrows shot up. “You were thinking of cuddling me when we were bed shopping?” His smile was big. “Actually I was thinking of way more x-rated things.” My mouth dropped open. “No way.” “Way.” “Wow.” I lay there stunned. “I don’t think I have ever seen anyone blush as much as you did that first morning.” “I felt so awkward.” He dropped a kiss on my mouth. “How come?” “You were all big and intense and intimidating. I had never met anyone like you before.” He took a deep breath. “I was seriously messed up when I arrived in New York. I didn’t want to be there and I certainly didn’t want to be in therapy, but there you were…distracting me.” I chewed on my lip. “What was therapy like?”

“Bullshit.” “What was it like?” “They wanted me to talk about my feelings.” “And did you?” “No.” “Why not?” “Emotions are messy.” I stared up at this man. Thinking about how he had completely destroyed our living room. Yes emotions were messy. My husband was trying with me. He was trying to show me who he was. He was trying to help me understand. “I feel everything.” His smile was wondrous. “I know you do. And you show the whole world how you are feeling.” “I don’t want to.” “It’s a brave way to live.” “I don’t know how else to live.” “Don’t change. That is one of my favourite things about you.” “Except when I cry.” “I don’t mind your tears.” He placed a kiss on my neck. “Your tears are honest.” My fingers tangled in his hair. I pulled his face down to mine, kissing him. He tried to pull back. “Emily.” I stared up at him. Old insecurities flooded my body. “What’s wrong?” He looked down at me. “I just…don’t want to

hurt you.” “Because I’m pregnant?” “Everything changed this afternoon.” “When you saw the ultrasound.” My hand trailed slowly down his hard abs. His big hand captured mine. I looked up him. “Jackson.” “What if I hurt you?” I shook my head and wrestled my hand free of his so I could continue my ministrations. “Not possible.” He groaned as my hand shyly tightened around his solid member. “I want to do it the SEAL way,” I whispered. “Absolutely not,” he ground out. “If we do it at all, tonight I’m going to take my time.” He rolled over so that he was above me. His kiss was so wondrous. Intoxicating. Soothing. A brush of lips. Teeth nibbled. I swooned. He was patient. Overwhelming me with his tenderness and torturous exploration of my body. I felt delicate and pure, longing for more, yet swimming in his perfect and soft touch. It was sublime. I lay there trembling, gasping as a yearning slowly built in my body. He both soothed and staggered me with his gentleness. Goosebumps covered my body as he feasted on my sensitive nipples. Lips trailed slowly down my arms, over my stomach. Soft fingers that

tickled and stroked up my thighs. Every taste, every caress was a graze, flaming my desire. I felt worshiped as he skimmed and teased me with the softest manipulations. I was trembling from need. My hands were clenching the bedspread and yet he never relented. Never let me touch him. His focus was solely on making me feel like the revered lover. His skills were inflaming me with a need that was making me almost delirious. I tossed my head back and forth. “Jackson, please.” He moved up, over me, and then he was flipping me so I was lying on top of him. We looked at each other. In his face, I saw tenderness, care and something that looked a lot like love. I thought my heart would burst with hope. I gasped as he slid slowly, inch by inch into me. His big hands pushed my hair off my face. “Emily.” “I love you,” I breathed. He groaned and then we were moving. Slowly, languorously, like we had all the time in the world. I surrendered completely to the moment, loving the intimacy, loving that this big man was part of me. He moved so slow, it felt like sweet torture. I was stunned with the emotions, the sensations that were crashing over me. My entire body was throbbing. Every cell in my body was focused on this

moment. We stared at each other. Holding our gaze. So much passed between us. Things were different now. I could feel it. Something was happening. I was so happy, I thought my heart would burst. All too soon, that spark became a raging flame that consumed me, over took me. I was arching, head thrown back, moving to find my release. His fingers were weaved in mine. My orgasm was building, climbing, roaring towards me like a freight train and then there it was. It slammed into me and I bucked back, crying out, as waves of addictive ecstasy blinded me. He sat up, wrapping his arms around me, as I clenched over him. His hands were tangled in my hair as his mouth found mine. “You’re so beautiful. Emily. God.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and then he was crushing me to him, his head buried into his neck as he found his own sweet release. “Jesus, Emily,” he pulled back to look up at me. I saw in him vulnerability. Need. Emotion. My eyes filled with tears. *** We lay there in the best post-coital bliss. I was on my stomach while Jackson slowly traced his finger tips down my spine. “How are you feeling?” “Better than perfect.”

His lips kissed my shoulder blade. “Have you given any thought to names for Alien?” I lifted my head. “Is this where you only think of boy names?” “We could call him Allen and then secretly call him Alien behind his back. And he would never know.” I giggled. “If he ever found out, he would never forgive us.” “What is your dad’s name?” I shook my head. “You really don’t want to go there.” “What is it?” “Elmer.” He laughed. “Elmer Hunter. Yeah. We are just setting him up for a lifetime of harassment with that one.” “What if Alien is a girl?” “I thought we decided that a girl would be a bad idea. I don’t have a shotgun big enough for all the boys that will show up on our doorstep.” “She will be tough like you. She’ll be able to handle herself.” “What was your mom’s name?” “Beverly.” “Hmmmm.” “What about Melody? We could name her after your mom.” Jackson’s fingers stopped moving. I raised my

head and looked at him. “What?” He had this look on his face. “How did you know my mom’s name was Melody?” I froze. “I don’t know. I think maybe you told me?” He sat up, his voice was cold. “No. I’m pretty sure I have never mentioned that name to you.” Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. “Jackson,” I sat up and looked over at him. His eyes were wide. He was staring at me. A hurt and confused look on his face. “What the fuck did you do, Emily?” I swallowed and shook my head. “It was a mistake.” “Tell me what you did.” The anger in his voice was clear. Tears threaten to clog my throat. “I didn’t mean to.” “Tell me.” “I read your journal. The one that Harry wrote. The one that was hidden in the sweater box.”

Chapter 45 Jackson got off the bed and pulled on a pair of sweats. Feeling suddenly vulnerable in my nakedness, I clambered to put on my robe. We both stood there, in the middle of our bedroom. I licked my lips, my heart was pounding a million miles a minute. “I can explain.” He looked so pissed, so hurt, I wanted to burst into tears. “No.” “Jackson, please,” I begged. “I was unpacking. And it was there. I didn’t even know what it was until I started reading it and then… without even realizing it, I was halfway through it.” He was breathing hard. “So what, you read half of that journal?” I shook my head sadly. “I went and found it afterwards and I finished reading the entire thing.” His eyes were wide. He strode away from me and then spun around. “So, knowing that it was private by the very fact that I had hidden it in the attic, you knew that I didn’t want you to read that.” “I know.” “It’s not like I left it on the coffee table, Emily. I fucking hid that behind a rafter in our attic. I put

it in the one place that you would never find it. How long did it take you to find it?” “A while.” “So, you understood that I definitely did not want your eyes to see that book, but you knowingly went looking for it and read it anyways.” I was openly crying now. “I’m sorry.” “Sorry?” he looked at me with incredulity. “You broke my trust.” “I didn’t mean to.” “Intentions mean shit, Em. Actions tell me everything about you.” He was so pissed, it scared me. Not that he would hurt me, but that he would leave me. “I wanted to understand you better,” I blubbered. “You were so closed off and I didn’t understand you. I thought if I knew where you came from, I could figure you out.” I looked up at this beautiful man who in his way was so strong despite having been broken so badly when he was little. Physically and emotionally. Somehow he had managed to put himself back together to become one of the most amazing human beings I had ever met in my life. His voice was emotionless, borderline cold. “I never wanted you to know where I came from.” I put my face in my hands, openly weeping. “Why didn’t you want to share that with me?” He looked incredulous. “Why didn’t I want to

tell you about the worst years of my life?” I took a deep breath. He was scaring me. He was so distant and his walls were so high right now. “Yeah.” “You want to hear about how I was hated? How Irene told me every single day that I was bad, that I was garbage, that I wasn’t worthy? I hated it in that house. I hated every single fucking moment.” I wept. He wasn’t finished. “Or maybe you want to hear about Ted? About how he was the only one who remotely cared about me and I would have done anything for him. I took care of him as much as he took care of me. It didn’t matter how filthy that place was, how drunk he got, how fucked up he was, he was the only one who loved me.” My hands were covering my mouth. I shook my head. Tears streaming down my face. Jackson’s eyes were red. “Maybe you are interested in knowing that despite Ted’s love, when he got drunk, he wanted to cause pain. God. Nothing hurt more than that first hit. Most of the time, I never saw it coming. He was a 200 pound man and I was a 45 pound little kid and he was a vicious son of a bitch. But if you are so interested, you should know that when he sobered up, he used to hold me and cry like a baby. Begging me to forgive him. And I was so pathetic, that I craved

those moments. I lived for those moments. Sometimes I think I even provoked him because I knew it would lead to that place where he cried and told me he loved me.” “Jackson,” I was sobbing. “You want to hear about how Ted walked me to school, sat with me when we watched cartoons, wanted to know about my day and then would wake me up in the middle of the night because he needed a punching bag? Or did you want to hear that I was so broken and fucked up as a kid that I preferred to live with Ted for the small scraps of love he could feed me over the hatred I received from Harry and Irene.” I stood there shaking my head, crying. He was breathing hard and one lone tear traced down his face. “They were worse than Ted. You want to know why? Because they enjoyed hurting me. They relished it. They wanted to cause me pain, and unlike Ted, they never said they were sorry.” I was pretty sure my heart was breaking. He swallowed. “That journal doesn’t cover half of what Irene did to me. How she locked me up in the closet for hours at a time. Or how every single time I walked by her, she either pinched or slapped me. But her words, they were the real mind fuck. Telling me what a piece of garbage I was. Telling me I was a bastard and unworthy. Telling me that

no one would love me. That I didn’t deserve happiness. That I wasn’t a nice boy. That no matter what I did or who I became, no one would ever be able to love me. She was relentless and I believed every single fucking word she told me.” “Jackson. No. That’s not the truth.” “If it’s not the truth, than why do I still believe it?” he yelled. He turned away, his hands pushed in his hair. I could not stop crying. “I love you.” “Just stop. I do not want to hear it. Just stop.” He looked back at me. His face so broken. “Anything else you want to know?” Tears streaked down my face. “Why didn’t you tell Ted what Irene was doing to you?” “Because Harry and Irene were his dream for me.” “What?” He gave a big, sad shrug. “Ted told me that Harry was my father when I was seven.” “What?” Shock. “How?” “Ted was friends with my mom. She had told him enough to put two and two together that when an older cop started paying a lot of attention to us he figured it out. I didn’t want to stay with Harry and Irene. I fought going there. But Ted had some fucked up dream for me, that if I just got in with some all American family, I would break out of the bonds of poverty and alcoholism. So he told me

that Harry was my Dad when I was seven.” “You knew? All that time?” “Ted had a big plan devised. He told me that if I was really good, if I was the best kid possible, that if I impressed them, than Harry would have no choice but to acknowledge me as his and I could become part of a real family.” I felt my heart crack. I brought my hand up to my mouth. “So you excelled at everything.” “It didn’t do much good. Ted and I did everything we could think of. Best grades. Best at sports. Do all my chores. Never talk back. Never get in trouble. Be quiet. Don’t act out. Ted wanted me to be part of that family more than I did. I hated them. I hated going there but I did it for Ted.” I couldn’t speak for a moment as I tried to fight my tears. “And Harry never admitted to you that he was your father.” “That completely broke Ted’s heart.” He looked disgusted. “But after Harry murdered Ted, he acknowledged me as his son in his suicide note.” Jackson’s voice was matter-of-fact. Flat. I wept. “You didn’t deserve that.” He stood there breathing hard. “You know what I deserve? I deserved a wife that I could trust. I thought you were different. I thought I could trust you.” “You can,” I cried.

He shook his head. “You’re just like everyone else.” “No, Jackson.” “You can’t tell me that knowing this about me doesn’t disgust you.” “It makes me love you more.” He stared at the wall for a long moment and then he spoke. Monotone. “I leave on a mission tomorrow. I will be gone two weeks. When I get back, I think you should be gone.” “What?” I was so shocked, I couldn’t even breathe. He pulled on a shirt, not giving me a second glance. “It’s over Emily. I thought you were different but you’re just like all the rest of them.” “No,” I ran to him, dropping to my knees in front of him. “Please. Please don’t do this. Please. Give us another chance.” His eyes were a tumultuous green. Pain and anger reflected back at me. “It’s over. Don’t be here when I get back.” I sat on the floor crying, while he retrieved a bag of clothes and his work stuff. He looked over his shoulder at me one last time and then he walked out.

Chapter 46 I literally thought my heart would break into two. I sat up all night, waiting for him to come back, but he never returned. I texted him. Called him and tried to Skype him. He didn’t answer. The worst part about all of this was the only person I had to blame was myself. I had broken his trust. I had deceived him. Lied to him and took something from him that I could never give back. The irony was now I understood him. All I had needed to do was be patient with him. Let him come to me. Show himself to me. But instead my own insecurities, my own need to be in control had ruined it all. I didn’t know what to do. I knew that if I left, I would never have another chance with him. I decided, despite grave trepidation, that I would be here when he got home. Jackson had been given no love in his life and now, in the course of two weeks, he had lost one of his best friends and now his wife and baby. I had absolutely not idea how he was coping, but I prayed that he was holding it together better than

me. I spent all my time crying. Twelve long days past. I was counting the hours until he came home. I practice my speeches. How I would beg him to give me another chance. I was a wreck. *** It was early in the morning when the front doorbell rang. I swung open the door. There stood two men dressed in official uniforms. One man was older, one was younger. My knees almost buckled under me when I saw them. “No.” The younger man stepped forward, and cleared his throat nervously. "I am Captain Brandon Murray from Company B, 4th Battalion, 21st Ordnance, from Fort Lee, Virginia.” My hand covered my mouth. My heart was hammering in my chest so hard I could barely breathe. “Are you Mrs. Jackson Hunt?” I just stared at him. He repeated himself. “Are you Mrs. Jackson Hunt?” “Yes.” My voice sounded weird. Faint and crackly. My legs were trembling so hard. "I have an important message to deliver from the Secretary of the Army.” I nodded numbly. "The Secretary of the Army has asked me to inform you that your husband has been reported

missing in action in Afghanistan since yesterday. The Casualty Area Command has reported that his helicopter was shot down over a jungle. At this point they can not confirm if there are any survivors. The area in which the helicopter went down is considered enemy territory and is considered extremely dangerous. When we receive more information, you will be promptly notified. The Secretary extends his deepest sympathy to you and your family during this trying period." He was speaking but his voice sounded so far away. I wheezed. “What do you mean missing?” “It means we have lost radio contact.” “Maybe the radio is broken.” The two men exchanged looks. “Before we lost contact, they indicated that they were in mayday, that they had taken on enemy fire and that their helicopter was going down. They managed to give us their position and then we lost contact.” “How did this happen?” “Your husband and another SEAL and two pilots were providing cover and they were on the last helicopter to leave. The coordinates that they gave over which they were flying indicate that they’re in extremely dangerous territory. There is no way to send in anyone to rescue them.” I stared blankly at the two men. “So, what are you telling me?”

“If they survived the crash, they will have to find their own way out.” Jackson had been in a helicopter crash. And now he was in some godforsaken part of the earth where he was being hunted by men who wanted him dead. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around this. “So, he might be alive?” The men looked at each other. “We want you to prepare yourself for the worst outcome here.” “When will you know?” They both stood there silent. “When will you be able to tell me what has happened to my husband?” Tears splashed down my cheeks and my voice was vibrating. “We might not be able to confirm the outcome of this situation,” he cleared his throat and they exchanged looks. “What does that mean?” I pressed. He looked pained. “Sometimes if insurgents do capture missing service men, we get news about it online.” I took a deep breath. Envisioning Jackson kneeling with his hands tied because his back with a hood over his head while someone with a sword stood over him. I shook my head. “No.” Tears were pouring down my face. “We’re very sorry. We have a media package here for you to review. Would you like us to go over it with you?”

“What?” “For your husband’s safety, the longer his situation is kept out of the media, the greater the chance he has for survival. If the media does catch wind of this, it will get very complicated for you and could compromise your husband’s safety. We will, of course, provide some media support for you, but the rule of thumb is don’t talk about this on social media, don’t talk about this with strangers or the press.” He held out a navy green coiled book for me. I stepped forward and took it from him. “And when you do find out the outcome?” I asked. His face was completely impassive. “We report all deaths in person within 12 hours of receiving news. If there are any further updates about this situation, you will either receive an email or a phone call.” I stared at them for a long moment. This is what Jackson’s sacrifice had come to. Two strangers showed up at our house with a coiled notebook and promises to tell me in person if he had died. And if he hadn’t, I would get a phone call. I just wanted these men gone. These two strangers didn’t know Jackson. They didn’t know how beautiful his laughter was, or how warm his arms were when they held me. I wanted them out of my sight.

“Thank you, gentleman.” My tone stated I was done. This conversation was over. They shared another glance and then showed themselves out. I didn’t cry. I was in too much pain to cry. *** The next three days passed by in a haze. I don’t know how I would have survived without Lauren. She took Chloe for walks. She put food in front of me and insisted I ate. It felt like that ride at the fair that spins so fast and then the bottom drops out from your feet. That was me right now. My world, my entire life was spinning so hard I couldn’t breathe and now the floor just fell away. My life no longer had any meaning or purpose if Jackson was gone. I had absolutely no interest in being on this planet if he wasn’t here with me. With him gone, nothing mattered. Nothing at all. All I could imagine was Jackson, captured, being tortured, being beaten. Horrific images plagued me. Haunted me. Beth flew in to stay with me and sat with me for hours every night. She didn’t speak, she just drank copious amounts of wine. Lauren and Beth kept telling me I should go to bed, but I could not imagine sleeping in my marriage bed while my husband was out there, in some hell, either broken and bleeding and fighting for his life or unimaginable, dead. Why had I let things end so badly with us? I needed him to know

that I loved him. I needed him to know that he was my entire world. I needed his forgiveness. Tears would run down my face but I felt like I was made of stone. No expression graced my face. Chloe stayed curled up at my feet. I talked to no one. I just clutched my iPad. Someone would put a cup of tea or a piece of toast in front of me. I don’t remember drinking or eating anything, but I must have. Beth would lead me to the shower and force me to bath. She put out clean clothes for me to get into. I slept, fitful awful short naps that I awoke from gasping and afraid. I knew that I needed to get up, start dealing, start coping with this news, but honestly, I could do nothing but sit on the couch. I looked up at Beth. “Do you think he’s dead?” She touched my face. “Until they come to your door and tell you otherwise, just hang onto your hope.” “What if they never recover him.” I couldn’t bring myself to say his body. “They did not say he was presumed dead which means there might be a chance of survival.” *** I woke up on day four to my phone ringing. I sat there frozen so Beth picked up the phone and answered. “It’s for you,” she said, holding out the phone.

“Who is it?” “Someone by the name of Forbes.” I took the phone. “Hello?” “Emily,” his voice sounded serious. I started to cry. “Tell me he’s okay.” “We haven’t heard anything.” I shook my head. “What can you tell me?” “It was MacDog and Guinness on the last bird. We lost radio contact. We have tried to go back over to see anything but we’ve been met with heavy resistance.” I sat there, the phone pressed to my ear while tears ran down my face. “How bad is this?” “Darling, this is as bad as it gets.” I shook my head. “It can’t end like this. We had such a huge fight. Things ended so badly. I tried to call him, so many times after that. I texted him. But he didn’t call back.” “He showed up at my place the night before he left for this mission.” I put my hand over my mouth. “Oh God. He was so upset. This is my fault. I distracted him. I upset him.” “Darling, MacDog is a pro. He could turn his shit off like nobody’s business. Besides, he didn’t cause this crash, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” “I can’t do this without him, Forbes,” I

confessed, trying not to sob. “I have absolutely no idea how to live my life without him in it.” “I’m going to tell you something so you listen carefully.” “Okay,” tears clogged my throat. “If there is one guy on our unit that can survive this, it will be him, okay? MacDog is one of the toughest, most ruthless and determined men I have ever met in my life. That guy has a will of steel. I’ve seen him do the most heroic and insane things in my life, stuff that blew my mind, so if anyone has a chance of surviving this, it’s your husband. Now you focus on that.” I was openly sobbing. “Okay.” “Are you eating?” “Yes.” “Sleeping?” “Some.” “I want you to go grab that cute dog of yours and go for a walk in the sunshine.” He might as well have asked me to climb mount Everest without an oxygen tank. “I can’t.” “Yes, you can and you will. Because when Jackson is found, you need to be healthy and strong for him. He’s going to need you. So your job, the way you can help him the best, is to take implicit care of yourself right now.” “Okay.” “I’m going to be in touch in a few days and I’m

going to be asking if you went for a walk and you better tell me that you went for a walk every single day.” “Okay.” We sat there on the phone. Finally, I spoke. “Why are you being so nice to me?” “Darling, the minute you married one of ours, you became one of ours.” I sniffed. “I love him, you know that?” “Sweetheart. Anyone with half a brain in their head could see for miles around that you are absolutely crazy about him. No one is questioning that.” “The fight we had, he ended it with me.” A long pause. “Nope. That guy may have been afraid to admit it to himself, but if he looks deep inside, that guy loves you more than life itself.” I wiped my tears from my cheeks. “I need him to be safe.” “Right now, the best way you can help MacDog is by taking care of yourself.” “Okay.” “I gotta go, but all the guys are thinking about you. We’ve got your back.” “Thank you.” “I’ll be in touch.” I hung up the phone and then looked at Beth. She stared at me. “Well?” “We have to go for a walk. With Chloe.”

Chapter 47 Twenty-three days passed. I dutifully walked Chloe twice a day. I ate the balanced and healthy meals that Beth prepared for me. I went to bed at the same time every night. I thought about Jackson constantly. Why had our last conversation been so stupid and useless? Why hadn’t he answered his phone? Why had I read his journal? They say that there are stages of grief. I was in the stage of bargaining. If I took care of myself, would he come back? If I agreed to leave but he still maintained a relationship with Alien, would he survive? I was willing to bargain anything and everything if only to secure his survival. Forbes checked in ever so often. Nothing new to report. They still couldn’t get to the crash sight. They didn’t know if anyone had survived the crash. They didn’t know if Jackson was in the hands of the enemy or if he was making his way out from behind enemy lines. With each day that passed, my hope faded just a tiny bit. How long would we be forced to wait until we heard news? I felt like I was in some sort of sick limbo. Just

existing. Taking care of my body and my baby but there was no joy, no laughter, no hope left in my body. How did people survive loved ones who went missing? I started obsessing over news stories of parents who’s children had been abducted. Stories about college daughters who’s cars were found empty at the side of the highway and they were no where to be found. I was looking for some sort of roadmap from their families as to how to deal with coping with these terrible emotions that I seemed to be drowning in. I had no idea how to handle this, so each day became the same. One day after another. Eating, sleeping, walking and waiting. It was excruciating but at the same time, every day that I didn’t hear bad news meant that there was still hope that he was still alive. I was sitting in the family room. Chloe was curled at my feet. Alien was practicing flip flops in my stomach. Beth came in, holding the phone in front of her towards me. “Who is it?” I asked. She pushed it closer to me, her lips pressed tight together. “Hello?” I answered. “Are you Mrs. Jackson Hunter?” “Yes.” “You are married to Jackson Hunter?”

“Yes,” my voice was a little squeak. “We would like to inform you that your husband has been found alive.” For a second my entire world went dark. It felt like I was in a tunnel. I fought to get back to the light. “He’s alive?” “Your husband is alive.” I sat there completely still. “Where is he?” “He is currently being medivac’d to the Navy Seal hospital in Virginia.” My lips parted but no words came out. “Do you understand?” “My husband is alive?” “Yes.” I fought to grasp what they were telling me. “Is he injured?” “I don’t know anymore details than what I have told you.” I grabbed Beth’s hand and squeezed it hard. “When will he be arriving?” “We estimate that he will arrive at the base in about 9 hours.” I started to laugh and cry at the same time. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome.” I hung up the phone and then Beth and I were hugging, both of us weeping. ***

Eight hours later, I was standing in the waiting room of the hospital with Beth next to me. Jackson hadn’t arrived yet. No they had no news. No they couldn’t tell me anything. I needed to take a seat and they would come and get me when he arrived. Fifteen minutes later, Forbes walked into the waiting room. He hugged me hard. I was practically vibrating. “Where is he? Is he okay?” “They’re admitting him. The doctors are looking him over.” “What happened? Is Guinness okay?” He guided me to sit down. “Jackson’s bird went down. Both of the pilots were killed on impact. MacDog survived unscathed. Guinness was banged up pretty good. His leg was broken.” I wordlessly shook my head. “Before they could make an escape, they came under fire from multiple insurgents. MacDog took one clean shot that went through his shoulder.” My lips parted in shock. “They took on a group of 20 or more men and managed to fight their way out of there.” “Go on.” “So, they buried the pilots and then they left on foot. It took them three weeks of going through extremely violent and rough terrain before they found their way out. Guinness’ leg was busted so bad, MacDog basically carried him. We estimate

they travelled over 100 kms through the jungle and over a fucking mountain before finding their way to one of our outposts. Jackson basically carried Guinness despite having a bullet wound in his shoulder. We have no fucking clue how they survived. When they arrived Guinness was unconscious and MacDog was basically delirious.” “What about Guinness?” “He’s suffering from severe dehydration. He was left in the field operating table overseas. They are trying to save his leg.” “Is he going to be okay?” “He’s going to live.” We sat there for a few minutes. It dawned on me that the last time he saw me he had asked me to leave. He had told me that our relationship was over. Forbes looked at my face. “What’s going on?” Tears blinded my eyes. “He’s safe and I don’t even know if he wants to see me.” He stood up and walked over to his bag. He pulled something out. “The field doctor gave this to me. They found this on MacDog when he came in.” “What is it?” Tears, relentless tears, streamed down my face. He walked over and handed it to me. “MD has been carrying that around since the day you sent it to him in the mail.”

I opened the bent and cracked photo covered with streaks of dry blood. It was Alien’s ultrasound. “What?” “Your husband has been excited about that kid since the day you got pregnant. We used to harass him. He was always looking at that picture. On the plane, lying in bed, drinking at the bar. He was constantly pulling that out and studying it. So, yeah, I call bullshit when you tell me that he is now turning his back on you and that kid. There’s no way.” Tears, stupid tears streamed down my face. Forbes shook his head. “I talked to Guinness. He told me how injured they both were and how Macdog helped carry him, mile after mile, day after day. He never gave up. He said your husband chanted two words over and over again. Every step he took, he said two words. Want to know what they were?” I swallowed. “Every fucking step he took, MacDog repeated ‘Emily Alien Emily Alien’. Over and over. Step after step.” My heart nearly split into two. Hope, pain, fear smashed into me. The doctor appeared at the doorway of the waiting room. “It appears that Jackson is waking up.” “Can I see him?”

He looked at me. “Come on back.” I followed the doctor through the hallways towards Jackson’s room. The doctor paused before we entered the room. “Jackson refuses to listen to us and has ripped out his IV twice and has already fallen down while trying to get out of bed. He won’t lie still. He keeps removing all of his tubes and he is determined to leave. We have had to physically restrain him.” “What?” I asked in disbelief. “We are considering sedating him but we really don’t want to do that considering what he has just endured. If he becomes agitated while you are in the room, I’m going to ask you to leave immediately.” “Please,” I begged. “I need to see him.” I stepped into the room and rushed to the bed. Jackson looked like a pissed off bear fighting for his life. He was jerking his arms against the restraints, sweat was breaking on his brow for his effort. “Sweetheart,” I said in a small voice. “Where are you going?” Green eyes narrowed on my face and then he stopped moving. “I was coming to find you.” Tears spurted out of my eyes. “Well I’m here.” He lay back on his pillow, out of breath. “You’re here.” I nodded and reached out and grabbed his big warm hand. “I’m here.”

He shut his eyes. “I don’t deserve you.” I looked at the doctor. “Take his restraints off.” The doctor stood there for a long moment. “Take them off, he won’t be going anywhere.” The doctor nodded at the male nurse who undid the ties on one hand. Then he reached across Jackson and undid the other tie. I was crying. “Come up here,” Jackson said, his eyes closed. I sniffed, wiping my nose with my hand before climbing up on the bed next to him. He shifted over, making room for me. I felt his big arm come around me. I lay snuggled up against his warmth, and thought for a moment that I had died and gone to heaven. We lay there for a long moment, just absorbing each other’s warmth. “How’s Alien?” his voice was rough. I lifted my head to look at his beautiful face. “Well Alien is about the size of a butternut squash and weighs in at about two and a half pounds.” His eyes were closed but his lips curled into a smile. “What the hell is butternut squash?” “It’s like a pumpkin. People make soup from it.” “That sounds awful.” I started to cry even harder. “Well, as far as vegetables go, this isn’t Alien’s best week.” He laughed.

I lay my head back on his good shoulder. “I’m so sorry. Please. You have to forgive me. I can’t live without you.” “Shhh,” his hand pulled me closer against him. “I wasn’t going to let you go anyways.”

Chapter 48 Jackson sat in the hospital bed. Despite the last traumatic few weeks, he was ready to be released. His arm was in a sling. I stood at the door and looked at him. “You just going to stand there?” he said, turning to look at me. I slowly walked into the room. We hadn’t discussed everything that had happened. How he had ended it with me. How he had told me that our marriage was over. Did he still want me? Did he still want Alien? Green eyes studied me. “Hi,” I said. “Hey.” I walked across the room so that I was standing in front of my husband. He looked at me. I took a deep breath. “When you were missing, my life completely stopped. My heart stopped beating. I knew that if they didn’t find you, if you didn’t make it out alive, my life would be over.” He didn’t move. My voice wobbled. “I’m so sorry I broke your trust. I was stupid and impatient and I never meant

to hurt you. I just wanted to know who you were. But looking back on that, it was wrong. So wrong and I’m so sorry.” “Emily,” his expression was one of regret. Oh God. He was going to end it. He couldn’t forgive me. If he did end our marriage, I would not survive. I couldn’t take it. “Yeah?” my voice wobbled. “I over reacted.” A sharp breath filled my lungs. “I thought if you knew where I had come from, you would see what Irene saw.” My heart was pounding. “She’s a real bitch and she had no idea what she is talking about. Especially when it comes to you.” A laugh choked out of him. “Oh, she’s alright. She tries.” “Why are you so forgiving towards her?” “She’s family.” My voice was slow, “And Matt’s your half brother.” “Yup.” “I’m so sorry about Ted and Harry.” He looked bemused. “Why are you sorry?” “Because, no one deserved to go through what you went through.” He winced. “No, you didn’t deserve what I put you through.” “I don’t understand.”

“I brought you here. Pregnant and not knowing a soul. Half the time I was gone. And the rest of the time, when I was home, I was a mess. I wanted you to believe that I was just fulfilling my obligation because I knocked you up. The truth of the matter is, I have been crazy about you since the day you almost beaned me with that golf club.” Air sucked into my lungs. He continued. “You once asked me what scared me. It’s not guns or fighting or even dying. It’s you. You and your love scares the shit out of me. I didn’t know how to do this. And I’m so bad at it. I want your love so bad. I want you in my life more than I have ever wanted anything.” Green eyes looked up at me. “But I do love you,” I whispered. “So much.” He grimaced. “I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t trust that. You were so brave and you tried so hard when you came here. You were patient with me and you just accepted me for who I was.” I could feel the blood rushing in my head. “Emily, when I was in the jungle with Guinness and we weren’t sure if we were going to make it, my biggest regret was not telling you how I felt about you.” I thought my heart was going to stop. “How do you feel?” He swallowed a few times. “All I know is that I would die for you. I would kill for you. I would do

everything in my power to protect you. Your happiness, your safety, your joy is all I care about. I don’t understand all of this, but you have somehow become the one thing I live for. You and Alien. I never used to feel anything and now, all I do is fucking feel things. I lose control. I get upset. Anything to do with you, I can’t seem to control my emotions.” My heart was pounding with so much hope and love, I could barely breathe. He gave me a regretful look. “So now you know it all. I’m not who you thought I was. And I’m probably way more fucked up than you imagined.” “Jackson,” I could barely speak. “You’re not fucked up and I love you with all my heart.” His arm reached out and yanked me against him. “Say it again.” “I love you.” I put my arms around his neck. His green eyes looked back into mine. I could see in his eyes, all his emotion. “Do you know how I feel about you?” I nodded, fighting tears. I didn’t need to hear those words. I could see the love, right there in his eyes. “I do.” His kiss was so wonderful, so full of promise and tenderness, I thought my heart would explode. No more doubt or fear. I groaned as I wrapped my arms around his big neck. Loving the feeling of his

hair in my hands. The sensations of his hands on my back. He pulled back his head, “So, you’re not going to leave?” I shook my head. “You’re stuck with us.” “Maybe I like being stuck with you.” “So you’ve said,” I smiled through my tears. He brushed my hair off my face. “Are you okay?” “I am. Now that your home.” He looked down at me. “After everything I told you, you still want to be with me?” I lifted my hand and stroked his big face. “Yes.” “Jesus Emily,” he murmured against my lips. “Maybe there is something to be said for talking about our feelings.” My head fell back as I laughed. “You know I’m never going to not let you live those words down. Those words will haunt you for the rest of your life.” He dropped a kiss on my lips. “I’m liking the sounds of you and the rest of my life.”

Chapter 49 (Ten weeks later) “Jackson,” I wailed, panting. The contraction seized my body so hard, I couldn’t breath. Green eyes were fuzzy and then my vision cleared and there he was. My husband. Letting me hold his hand in a death grip. Looking me in the eyes. “Em, tell me what you need.” “I can’t do this without you,” I said, knowing that I wasn’t making any sense. “Please, you have to do this with me.” “I’m right here.” “No, with me!” I wailed. “Okay, sweetheart. I’m with you.” He climbed into the bed and easily lifted me so that I was cradled in his lap. I lay back against his strong chest, sighing as his arms wrapped around me, his big knees on either side of my body. I felt his face against mine. “Better?” “Yes,” I whimpered. “Want to do some patterned breathing?” he put his hands on my belly. “What?”

“Pant-pant-blow, come on, let’s do this together,” he said. “That’s lamaze breathing,” I said, shocked since Jackson had be deployed and I had attended our lamaze classes alone. “Youtube, sweetheart. I’ve watched every single lamaze video out there.” Another contraction hit me. I panted and blowed with Jackson. “That’s it,” Jackson soothed. “Breathe through it.” I focused on surviving the next contraction and then fell back against his chest. “You watched lamaze videos?” I gasped. “What else did you watch?” “How to change a diaper, how to give a baby a bath, how to take a baby’s temperature. How to burb a baby. How to use a breast milk pump. And about a hundred other videos.” The nurses exchanged impressed looks. “You did not.” “I did.” “Jackson.” “Yeah?” “I didn’t even think of that. I didn’t watch a single video. I don’t even know how to change a diaper,” I wailed in a panic. “That’s why we’re a team. You do the hard part today and I will change the diapers.”

I gasped as another contraction hit me. *** Jackson’s face nuzzled me. “Alien’s almost here. You can do this, Emily. I’m right here with you.” Another contraction took my breath away, arching my body off his. When I could catch my breath, I spit out. “We are never having sex again. I don’t care how sexy you are lying in bed with your big sexy muscles and your swoon worthy kisses. You need to understand that going forward, I’m never having sex again.” I heard the doctor and the nurses laugh. “Don’t worry, Jackson. We’ve heard that one before.” I raised my head and looked at one of the nurses. “Are you dating anyone?” She smiled. “Between men.” “Pick the shortest guy you can find,” I hissed. “They may not be as fun in bed but trust me, a tiny guy means a tiny baby.” *** “Emily, one last push,” the doctor said. “The next contraction, you relax your belly and then you give it your all.” I was exhausted. I was lying with my back against Jackson. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to go home.” I heard everyone laugh. “Jackson.”

He was holding me so close. “Yes.” “I can’t do this. I think you should take over. You’re the strong one.” “Emily, no way. You’re way stronger than me. And you’re amazing. So unbelievable.” “Tell me some good news.” “Alien is almost here. It’s almost over.” The doctor looked up at me. “Okay Emily, one last push, you just relax your stomach and push, okay? Alright, here we go. Push, push, push, push.” Everything kind of went fuzzy for a moment. It was like the whole world went into slow motion. I could hear things, but not hear clearly. I could see but not really. I could hear my own heart beat. I could feel Jackson behind me. Feel his breath. And then the most intense relief of my life. The world came back in focus. And then they put a baby on my belly. Alien was wet and wrinkly and covered in blood. My baby was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. I felt Jackson squeeze his arms tighter around me. His face snuggling against mine. “You did it.” “What is our baby?” I asked. “You two are the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy.” “Alien is a boy,” I said in wonder, touching the tiny wet head. Jackson’s big hand reached out and touched a

miniscule foot. “He’s perfect. Just like his mom.” I started to cry. “Hey. I’m your mom and this is your dad.” Alien turned his head towards my voice. My heart overflowed with love. I had everything I needed. A husband and a baby. My family was complete. Jackson’s chin rested on my shoulder. “I love you, Emily Hunter.” And with that, I thought my heart was going to burst.

Epilogue I came up the stairs, wondering why Theo hadn’t started crying yet. He was due to be fed. I heard a voice coming from his room. I stood at the door and peeked in. Jackson was sitting in the rocking chair. He held Theo in his arms. Our tiny six week infant looked miniature in my husband’s big arms. Jackson was talking to him. “So, this is a really important book that I’m going to read to you. My mom read it to me when I was little and now I’m going to read it you you. It’s about a family of bears. Little bear, he lives in a home with his mom and dad, just like you. And he gets up to lots of adventures. Just like you will too.” Tears clogged my throat. Sensing me, Jackson looked up and smiled. Theo, in his infant wisdom, was staring blankly at the ceiling. “Looks like he’s completely engrossed in your story,” I said. Jackson’s smile was wide. “We haven’t got to the good part yet.”

I stepped in and walked across the room. “What is the good part?” “Well, Mother Bear finds the best outfit for Little Bear when he goes outside in the snow to play. And she also helps him find a great outfit when he flies to the moon. And she has a lunch waiting for him when he gets back.” Our eyes met. “And she never forgets his birthday.” “No, she never will.” He reached out and grabbed my hand. “Alien lucked out when he got you as his mom.” “Yeah, well, I think we both got lucky when we got you.” He kissed my hand. “Time for him to eat?” “No rush. You read that story. I’ll be in the bedroom.” I started to walk out. “Hey,” he said, as I reached the door. I looked over my shoulder. “Hey.” He paused for a moment, looking at me. “I love you. You know that?” I could feel my smile take over my face. “Yeah. I know.”

Message from Odette Dear Reader, Thank you so much for reading my book. It means the world to me. I hope you loved this story about Jackson and Emily as much as I loved writing it. I believe, more than anything in this world, that love is the answer to almost all of our problems and issues in this world. There was something so heartbreakingly beautiful about Jackson, that I am having trouble letting him go. He was deeply flawed but deep down, he wanted what everyone wants. Love. I’m not expert at military, but I researched like a mad person. Any errors, please forgive me. I did my best. I have the most deep profound respect for the men and women who serve their country. Thank you to them all. I have one request of you. If you enjoyed this book, please take the time to review it. A rating has an incredible impact on a writer. It’s the difference between getting reviews, more readers

and on special lists that help promote our books. For some it can be the difference of it we are able to pursue our dream of writing. My last question is - would you enjoy a book about Beth? I would make it part of this series but it would be her own standalone. Enough interest and I will write it. Always love to hear from my readers. Let me know. Again, thank you so much for reading this book.

Love, Odette Stone

About the Author Odette Stone lives in Vancouver, Canada. Writing is her passion but when you can pull her away from her stories she loves to read, drink coffee, go for long walks and is particularly fond of action or suspense movies. Website: www.odettestone.com Twitter: @odettestone1 Instagram: odette.stone Email: [email protected] Facebook page: Odette Stone