Savage Reckoning - T.L Smith(ang.)

Table of Contents Savage Collision: Book One Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23

Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Savage Reckoning: Book Two Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24

Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Epilogue Prologue Chapter 1

SAVAGE RECKONING THE SAVAGE LOVE DUET

T.L SMITH

Contents Savage Collision: Book One Warning Blurb Other books by T.L Smith Foreword Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26

Savage Reckoning: Book Two Warning Blurb Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Epilogue Author’s Note Bad Things by Emily Goodwin

Copy right Prologue Chapter 1

SAVAGE COLLISION: BOOK ONE

Copyright T.L Smith 2017 Savage Collision by T.L Smith Book 1 All Rights Reserved This book is a work of fiction. Any references to real events, real people, and real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the Author’s imagination and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, organizations or places is entirely coincidental. All rights are reserved. This book is intended for the purchaser of this e-book ONLY. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the express written permission of the Author. All songs, song titles and lyrics contained in this book are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.

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WARNING

This e-book contains sexually explicit scenes and adult language and may be considered offensive to some readers. This e-book is intended for adults ONLY. Please store your files wisely, where they cannot be accessed by under-aged readers. Cover – RBA Photographer- Perrywinkle Photography Edited – Swish Editing Proofread – Contagious Edits Formatting - Angels-Indie-formatting

BLURB

A kiss could bond you, taint you, claim you. If you let it, it could own you. A kiss from a stranger was highly unlikely. A kiss from a man who hid himself from me, yet slowly tormented me, was unlike any other kiss. It was the kiss of death. It was my hands in cuffs chained to his waist. And only he could set me free. How could I be so blind? How could I have let a man that was delicious as sin take a grip on me? No matter how hard I tried to pull, those cuffs stayed glued to him as the wall that stood between us. I had to smash that wall, I had to see the truth. Even if we collide. Even if he’s my own savage collision. I have to be set free.

OTHER BOOKS BY T.L SMITH Sasha's Dilemma (Dilemma #1) Adam’s Heaven (Dilemma #1.5) Sasha’s Demons (Dilemma #2) Krinos (Take Over #1) Kalon (Take Over #2) Kratos (Take Over #3) Pure Punishment (Standalone) Antagonize Me (Standalone) Degrade (Flawed #1) Twisted Perception (Flawed #2) Black (Black #1) Red (Black #2) White (Black #3) Distrust (Smirnov Bratva #1) Disbelief (Smirnov Bratva #2) Defiance (Smirnov Bratva #3) Lovesick (Standalone) Savage Collision (A Savage Love Duet book 1)

FOREWORD

Dear Reader, This book is a work of fiction, and some situations have been embellished for your enjoyment. With this in mind, if you have been affected by matters that are discussed in this book then please contact: The Samaritans USA - 135 247 The Samaritans UK - 116 123 Lifeline Australia 13 11 14 I hope you enjoy. T.L Smith

To my street team, I adore you girls. Thank you for all that you do.

PROLOGUE

know how my life came to be what it is I don’t today. I don’t even remember the precise moment it happened. I guess it was all small snippets leading up to one big moment. Pieces I should have put together, bit by bit. Remembering, though, is the hard part. How can you remember something you’re not trained to or even designed to remember? I think I saw him in my dreams, or was it a reality? I don’t really know. The moment I met him I felt comfort, which is anything but who I am. Yet, I opened every door I had for him like it was child’s play. Maybe it was for him, all this, all of us. Maybe it was all a game to him. It all felt real, and at times too much to deal with. Yet, I wouldn’t trade any of it.

Despite how it all happened, despite how it all went down, I would go down for him again just to have those moments, those touches. Even if in the end they were replaced by stabs, nicks, cracked hearts, they all led me to the one spot, to him. He doesn’t know it, but I know it. Behind what he hides from the world, he is loveable. Despite what I hide from the world, I am also. My past won’t define me, I won’t let it anymore. It held me tight like a prisoner for too long, and now it’s time to break the shackles. I wonder if I can break his as well. If I can take him with me. Somehow, somewhere, we should deserve what others have, even if we are both tormented, even if we both hold evil. We deserve it too, on some level at least, don’t we?

CHAPTER 1

fingernails click rapidly on the table, this M yneeds to go fast. It’s taking too long. I shouldn’t have agreed to meet here. Why did I? To prove something? I’m not even sure. The cell phone which I hardly ever use sits in my bag next to me, and I feel it vibrate through my chair. Leaning down, I pick it up and see a message from Marina telling me she’s going to be late. Dropping my phone into my lap and collapsing back into my chair, I wonder if I should just get up and leave and forget about it all—probably not. “Is this seat taken?” His voice sounds rich and sensual to my ears. My head shoots up from looking down at my cell, and a man that’s unlike any other stands in front of me. My eyes fling quickly around making sure he’s talking to me, and when I look back to him, he seems to be growing

impatient. Marina is going to be exactly thirtyminutes late, if he wasn’t gone by then I could just move? Nodding my head, I watch as he takes the seat out and sits in front of me. I look away figuring he’s waiting on coffee, or maybe he’s waiting on someone, or maybe he just came from a function since he’s dressed the way he is. Looking back down at my cell, I debate telling her I don’t have time. She would know it’s a lie though. I’m starting to tap out my reply when the stranger’s voice breaks through. “Are you waiting on someone?” Looking up, I see his elbows are on the table and he’s leaning in, staring at me. I can’t look for long, his stare is too intense. His eyes are positioned on me and I have to look away without picking up the color. Are they violet? I’m not sure. “Yes,” I answer him, the words leaving my mouth as I look down at his closed hands in the middle of the table. They’re strong, that much is obvious. “Tell me something… why here?” My eyes stay downcast as I contemplate his words. And if I should or shouldn’t answer him. I prefer not to speak to people in general. Having someone get too close scares me. Yet, here’s a stranger who I know I won’t see again, so instead, I humor that side of me. “She prefers me to be social,” I scoff.

“You aren’t social?” he asks, his eyebrows lifted in an ‘I’m interested’ stare. Looking up now so I can stare at him, I wonder if he does this a lot—talk to strangers. I’m sure most girls would love it, especially by the looks of him. He’s beyond good-looking, more so than any other man I’ve seen. He lifts his hand and smooths through his black hair, I want to touch it too. “I don’t like people.” I say, distracting myself from my thoughts. “Yet, here you sit, talking to me… a person.” He waves his hand at me and smirks. There’s something so serious about him, so intense, that you can’t stare at him for long. His eyes— I pick up on the color now—they’re violet, with flecks of gray. They’re intense, which matches all of him. My eyes drop again, and l look down at my fingers that are still tapping on the table. “I expect to never see you again.” Looking up, I watch for his reaction to my answer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not someone who hides away from life —well, perhaps partially I do. I speak to people, mainly men when I want something. But even then I don’t need to talk much. Basically, my body does all the talking from then on out. Except right at this moment, I know I can’t do that. No matter how stunning this man is, no matter how much I want this stranger. Because that’s all they ever are—strangers.

I have to sit here and wait for her. She’s had this booked for months. And even though it isn’t a social thing, even though we’re not friends, I do what she says because she’s always wanted what’s best for me. “Never? You sound so sure.” Nodding my head, he tips his. “So if I wanted to see you again, you’d say no?” I can’t speak because if I do I know I won’t say no. I would absolutely say yes. So, instead, I nod my head to tell him no simply by agreeing with him. Words aren’t safe right now. “Interesting…” His fingers drum on the table in front of him. A waiter comes around and asks for our order. I look to him expecting him to say he’s already ordered. So, when he asks for a coffee, I’m shocked. He orders mine as well, then the waitress looks back one more time before she walks away. “You chose to sit here without ordering first?” I state the facts. His eyebrow perks up. “I did. You interest me.” I tuck a loose strand of hair that falls from my ponytail behind my ear as I look up, ready to answer him. “I’m far from interesting.” “I beg to differ. I think there’s something… very intriguing… very interesting about you.” He’s leaning in again, and I can smell him more so now.

All thoughts of my appointment leave my brain as I take him in again. It’s unfair for a man to have those long eyelashes fanning over those gorgeous colored eyes. “I’m very boring. I work, I go home… that’s the extent of my life.” He nods his head and sits up as the waitress places our drinks in front of us. He doesn’t thank or even look at her. He picks up his drink and places it to his lips then positions it back down on the table. Lifting his wrist, he looks at the time, which makes me remember I have Marina coming soon. Looking down to check my cell, I see a text message from Marina, and when I look back up, he’s gone. A twenty-dollar note is on the table and the sexy stranger has vanished. I take a sip of my coffee and I’m surprised when it’s exactly what I like. Just as I’m about to get up and leave, Marina sits down in the exact same place he was sitting. She’s out of breath and her chest is heaving heavily. Marina is young, maybe a few years older than me, and is gorgeous. I often wonder why she chooses to do what she does, but I never question her. “I’m so sorry…” she trails off, her breathing labored as she tries to catch her breath. She grabs a notepad, pulls it out and starts to write. Sitting back in my chair, I prepare for her questions that I know will come. “Tell me, Milanka, how have you been since I

saw you six months ago?” It always starts this way. She’s always polite and never straight to the point. I think it’s the reason I started treatment with her in the first place. She feels safe, from all the evil. “Nothing out of the ordinary…” Apart from the stranger. A stranger so delicious I’m sure he’s made of chocolate, I think to myself. Where did he go? “No episodes as of late?” I shake my head in answer. “That’s good, I’m so glad to hear that.” I nod my head once and listen to the rest of her questions. Hopefully, it will be another long period of time before I have to see her again. I try to forget about my disability, to place it away in a box, away from my brain so I don’t focus on it. It doesn’t affect my everyday life at all, it just has to be maintained in a way. My worst and the most serious episode was when I was eighteen. It was the first time I met Marina who then started acting as my therapist. She goes above and beyond for me, and that’s why I don’t mind waiting when she tells me she’s going to be late. I’ve yet to tell her about my extracurricular activities. I’m too ashamed to talk about them, but I am living a normal life to the best of my ability. But then the past plays tricks on me and holds me in its vice grip.

I always try to pinpoint that moment. That precise time when everything changed. Was it the night I lost my virginity? Or was it the first time I let a man treat me less than my worth? I don’t know, but I do know my mother has a lot to do with it. It’s always them, isn’t it? They shape us into the person we are today, and she did that without any thought of me whatsoever. I’ve never once seen a motherly side to her, never once felt her love. Then it was the same with the man who stole my firsts—he took it all based on lies and hidden faces. It shapes you into what you become. To what you will be. Then once you’re shaped into that person, no one can help you, because you are well and truly fucked, just as I am right now.

Sixteen years old…

ANOTHER DAY THAT DRAGGED, and one I thought would never end. School was, as it always was for me, a nightmare within a nightmare. Today though,

I had a boy show me interest. A boy that was the most popular in school. I wasn’t sure what to do with that interest, so I walked away. Heading down the dirt road toward my trailer after being all day at school, I flinched, as the shoes I was wearing are too small and hurt my toes. I tried not to complain, it got me nowhere. Sometimes I thought, perhaps I should become a thief, that would be more helpful than the person who was supposed to care for me. A car was parked out front of the trailer—an old and expensive red Corvette. Well, anything that drove was expensive to me. We’d never had a car because we didn’t have the money to run one, let alone purchase one. Being used to her men always being over, I knew I needed to move fast—get in, change, steal a pair of her shoes to get out of my uncomfortable ones, and get the hell out. The first step I took up onto the old beat-up trailer creaked loudly, under my old hole-ridden shoes. I winced at the noise hoping they wouldn’t hear me. Pacing my next step a little slower, I turned the doorknob, releasing and opening the door. It was never locked because there was nothing to steal. Hearing sounds as soon as I opened the door, I contemplated just dropping my bag and leaving. That was until I looked down at my raggedy shoes and knew I had to change them because I wouldn’t get far otherwise, the pain being

too much to handle. Taking another step inside the trailer, I was hit with the pungent smell straight away—smoke and alcohol dulled my senses. Covering my nose and mouth with my hand, I kicked off my shoes and moved some of my mother’s discarded clothes on the floor trying to find the flip flops I knew she had lying around. Not seeing them anywhere, I got on my hands and knees to look under the dirty old brown couch, hoping she’d kicked them off and left them there. I was not going anywhere near that bedroom of hers to find them. Sliding my hand underneath, I could feel one and I silently cheered when my hand clasped on pulling the flip flops free. I stood, and the minute I did I regretted walking in and looking for them, I regretted even stepping in here knowing she had company. He was standing with a bottle of whiskey in his hand, and his eyes were roaming me up and down like I was his next meal. I’d seen him before around town, though never knew who he was, or even cared enough to notice much other than he was the father to one of the girls my age at school. His shirt was off revealing his hairy chest, and his pants were undone. I dared not look down, but I clung to those stupid flip flops like they were my lifeline. Why must I be so stupid? “You look so much like her,” he slurred taking a

step toward me. I immediately took a step back, hoping he didn’t move too much. He was almost at the door where I needed to make my escape, and I knew he would block my way from making that escape easily. My eyes skimmed the floor and up the wall to the exit, his eyes watched me too closely. “I see what you’re thinking, little one,” he teased, stepping the way I was hoping he wouldn’t, and effectively blocked my way out. “I was just leaving,” I said to him, hoping he’d let me go. He put the bottle to his lips and sucked hard, almost finishing the contents. Then he took another step, so he was closer to me—too close. His free hand reached up and I knew he was coming for me. My eyes searched behind him, hoping my mother would come out, but I knew she wouldn’t. She’d be passed out or drinking herself into oblivion until she was out cold and not caring that she left a man in our home with her teenage daughter. “I think you could be so much more fun than your mother.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as he stepped forward again, this time there was nowhere for me to go. He was now in my personal space and blocking my path stopping me from escaping. I remembered closing my eyes thinking, this is the moment that my life will change. I will get on this train forcefully, afraid I’ll never get off.

Then my world came crashing down. His hand came up. It touched me where no other had been before. He grasped my breast and squeezed hard pinching my nipple. No one had ever touched me there. I had hardly ever seen my own body as I kept it covered. It came out of nowhere. The scream that ripped through me as he dropped the bottle and used both hands. It was a scream of pain. Scream of torture. Screams of my lost childhood… He pushed me up against the wall to shut me up. I was frightened and stood stock still. I did the only thing I’d seen done on television, I lifted my leg and hoped wherever it landed would hurt. He dropped his hands and cursed so loudly that I wanted to cover my ears. At that precise moment, I should have run, as far away as I could. Yet, I was surprised at what I’d done, and that caused me to be stuck in that moment, unable to move, giving him enough time to recover and stand up straight. The look on his face was something that would be branded into my mind for the rest of my life. His fists came down heavily onto my face, and he hit me so hard he knocked me to the floor. After that, he left, and whenever I came home

to see his car parked at the shithole I called home, I would not enter. Instead, I’d flee into the woods and sit there, no matter the weather, no matter how much my toes hurt from the cold, because I would never let anyone make me feel that way again. Present day…

SOME THINGS HAVE such an impact on your life that you don’t come to realize it until years later. Some things shape you to be the person you are, the way you think you should be treated. All these things shaped me into the person I am today. I don’t wish for anything anymore. Let’s face it, all wishes go unanswered and unheard. Now, I try to see people without their masks, even when I know they all wear them. They all hide, I know this. Even the most beautiful ones conceal their true identities. My mother wasn’t all to blame, there were other factors in my life that brought me to where I am today. I wish I could blame it all on her, but she was only a fraction of the problem. Stepping into the shower, I don’t recognize my own hands. My usually long nails are now cut short.

I thought my episodes had passed, I thought I was normal. But what is normal? I’m yet to still meet someone that is normal. My fingers are covered in blood, my hair is matted with it. I don’t know about my clothes because all I was wearing is a hospital gown, before I stepped into the shower, one I have no recognition of putting on. This hasn’t happened to me for a while, and I’m afraid of what it means—my last clear thoughts being that I needed to grab milk after my meet-up with Marina. Did I even get the milk? I don’t even know. Scrubbing my body until it’s raw and I notice no more blood circling and running down the drain, I step out, feeling sore like I’ve run a marathon. My arms are bruised and my hands are aching. It’s happened again, yet I don’t know why. I don’t want to tell Marina because I know what happens when I do. Instead, I hope like crazy it doesn’t happen again. Walking into my room, I pull out the one box that represents my past—pictures and gifts I keep lay in the bottom of it. My moments in time. A single picture of my mother from when I was a baby. She looks beautiful, shockingly so, and I wonder where it all went wrong for her? I wonder who my father is? She never gave me answers to

that question. My mother told me I wasn’t entitled to them, let alone any of her time. As I glance over the photograph, I notice her hair matches mine— dark and slightly curly. Our eyes, though, they don’t match. Hers are always hollow and lonely, mine are filled with—one day, perhaps, there will be a chance of hope, normalcy. I do take one thing from her, though. The sex.

CHAPTER 2

that one thing I can’t tell Marina R emember what I did? Well, that one thing… that is my weakness. Sex. Days after my episode… well, I think it was an episode. It must have been because I don’t remember where the blood came from, or how I even got home. I end up in a man’s house, with one wicked stranger on my mind, yet have the hands of another man on me. See sex, no matter how much I know I should avoid it, not want it, it’s impossible for me to say no. Looking down, his hands are rough and calloused as he skims my naked body. I sit up on one elbow as I watch him pull his pants down and throw his shirt from over his head. His hair is red, I’ve never been with a redhead. I hope he is satisfactory. It’s daylight outside so I can see every

inch of him when he stands in front of me, naked. He wants me to say something, an approval perhaps? I ignore him and lay back down, wrapping my legs around his back to pull him to my naked body as I lay on his bed. He was easy to bed. Hell, he even asked for it. I can’t say no. I have that insane urge that I can’t kick. And when I see him standing in front of me, clean and a good body… how can I say no? I don’t know him. Crap! I don’t even know his name. I only want one thing, and I’m about to get it from him without even saying a damn word. His body drops to mine and his calloused hand reaches between us, to my clit, and he plays with it, warming me up. He doesn’t need to do that though. I was already warmed up and ready to go the moment we walked out of the restaurant at lunch time. I was sitting there waiting for my coffee when he walked up. I bet you he didn’t expect me to ask him to take me to his home? By the look on his face, he didn’t expect me to want to sleep with him either, or even go through with it without even asking his name first. Shit! What was it again? Bob? Robert? I shake my head and run my nails down his back and arch up, I need more. I’ve missed the male body. I promise myself all the time I won’t do

this, but I always cave within three months of being sober. What can I say? I love sex, sex loves me. Even if you knew me, you wouldn’t think that of me. But this? This isn’t me. This is the demon me who craves what she knows she isn’t allowed to have. Yes. But she takes it anyway. “Gosh, you’re beautiful.” His eyes drop down between us as he removes his hand and gets ready to insert his wrapped-up cock into me. No way I’d let him do this without a condom on. I may be horny, but I’m not stupid. Before I can protest his lips brush my breast, and up my neck. His breath blows against my lips and it’s too much, too close. He’s not allowed there. Never. I turn my head and pull him close to nuzzle my neck instead. Kissing, is one thing I have separated from sex. It’s too intimate and holds too much meaning. I haven’t kissed a man for many years, and I don’t intend to either. He pushes inside of me, I feel him, and instantly wish he was bigger so he’d hit that magical spot. I push him to turn him over so I can be on top. His smiling face lets me believe he’s way too happy about this. I don’t touch him as I start moving, my hands go to my dark hair and pull, as I rock back and forth with the sun shining in on my breasts. He says something, but I completely block him

out, not wanting to hear a word from his mouth. He tries again, and his voice starts to crack through my high as I ride him. I shake my head letting go of my hair as I look at him, his mouth opens and I place my finger in there, hoping to shut him up from whatever it is about to leave his mouth. He gets the hint and sucks instead. Thank God, because I don’t want to hear him. I know the moment the high leaves me and I reach my destination, my life and who I am will hit me full force. Therefore, I don’t want to hear a word he has to say. He will just make it come faster, my world, which I can escape from in this moment. My head drops backward, my finger leaves his mouth, and I try to catch my breath. Our breathing is fast as we come down. “Who are you?” he asks me. I lift myself up and move away from him. Now that the high is gone, I’m left in a room with a man whose name I don’t know, yet again. Why do I do this? This isn’t me? Why can’t I stop? I grab my clothes, dressing as fast as I can to leave. His voice is raspy as he tries to speak to me again, but I shake my head in an attempt to dispel it all. Why won’t he shut up? I don’t want the reminder that I’m in the house

of a man who I don’t know that I’ve just fucked. Shut up. Shut up, I chant in my head. My shirt and pants are on before I know it. I hear his footsteps coming up from behind me, and I know he’s about to touch me, to ask me whatever it is he was saying. I don’t care. I really, really, don’t care. Grabbing the shiny doorknob of his apartment as his words threaten to break through, I turn the handle and walk as fast as I can out through the door. This is always the worse part for me, the aftermath of it all. It likes to play on repeat in my head as I make my way into my small house, tormenting me as I go. Going straight to the shower I stand under it fully clothed letting the hot water scald me, as I start by removing each piece of clothing one at a time, wondering how long my depression is going to last after this one. The longest was a month before I was stupid enough to go back to it again and it all came back. It always comes back. Grabbing the loofah, I start by scrubbing my skin so hard that it goes red and the pink raises to the point of almost blood. It’s become a ritual to feel somewhat normal after I fuck someone, but it never does the trick, it just leaves me in pain. Everything runs rampant in my brain after I finish a shower and lay my body down. Was it my mother?

Was it my first boyfriend? I think they all played a major part in building the person I am today. I just can’t work out how exactly I’ve gotten to this point in my life. This crappy point, where I’m still the same messed up girl I was all those years ago. Don’t you grow and learn? Isn’t age meant to help you with that? I feel like I’m in a never-ending spin with the devil, and every time I try to pull away, he pulls me back in and stakes his claim on me to do his bidding. Well, fuck you, Devil, and the horse you rode in on.

CHAPTER 3

clasp the steering wheel as I sit in M ymyhands old beat-up car out front of where I work as a bartender. I didn’t want to go in today. Instead, I wanted to stay home in my bed and binge on ridiculous television watching Law and Order, or some other shit on television, to forget about what I did. Yet, here I am watching everyone as they walk in and out of the establishment where I work. People are hugging each other, touching each other in inappropriate ways right where everyone can see, yet they don’t care a bit about it. Hands, lips, bodies all over one another. Then there are the observers that want what their friend has, and would watch and wait for their chance. I’ve seen plenty of them. I often wonder why you would have friends

when you can’t trust them. I don’t trust anyone. This is why, on a Saturday night at twenty-three years old, I was home binge-watching television until my boss called for me to come in and cover for Serena, whose son is home sick. I like Serena, she’s loud and beautiful, but too much for me. Of course, I didn’t say no to him. I said yes because that’s my problem, I’m a yes girl when I should be a no girl. Von is standing at the door keeping his hands to himself though silently observing. He also knows what’s to come—once a girl tries to make a move on a friend’s man—he’s seen it all too often. Every weekend it happens, men fight over their girlfriends, woman fight over someone who is just staring at their boyfriends. They fight over anything and everything when there’s no reason to. Alcohol does stupid things to some people, things those people wouldn’t do when they’re sober. This is why I don’t drink. I have actually never consumed alcohol and I never intend to. I take a deep breath and run my hands down my perfectly ironed button-up shirt as I prepare to open the door and walk past these people. Men always catcall, some even attempt to grab at me. I wouldn’t even get out of my car if I hadn’t seen Von standing there. I feel safe outside, always safe. My hands sweat on the car door handle. When I

pull it open, the door screeches loudly. Instantly I think, I either need to fix it or buy myself a new car. I will probably do neither until it dies. It will last me, I keep telling myself. Von spots me straight away as my heels click on the black pavement while walking up to the door. The music becomes louder the closer I get. Von nods his head to me and opens the door. When I step inside, I notice a couple locking lips as her friend watches and stares too hard. I want to be that kind of girl, to tell her to stop looking at what isn’t hers, to go and do something about it if that’s what she wants. I do nothing but avert my gaze as I keep on walking past her and into the bar. A live band is playing. The lighting isn’t dark which I like because I hate not being able to see. I hate the dark. I’m sure that fear stems from my childhood, from my mother never paying electricity bills. Two bartenders are behind the bar and two girls work the floor. I make my way past the table of men with loud voices, and manage to slip behind the bar without anyone noticing me. I was a floor girl, but I sucked at interacting and working for tips, so I asked to be a bartender instead. I like the flow and the fastness of it, and I don’t have to interact as much as the girls do. Only two girls work behind the bar, myself and Serena—who’s off tonight—plus, two male

bartenders. They don’t do idle chit-chat, and for that I’m thankful. My hands start working straight away cleaning and preparing drink orders that the girls request. I try to busy myself so I don’t look out and size up who my next lay will be. I try very hard to avoid that because the low that follows leaves me in my house regretting everything I’ve just done. “Milanka, we need you on the floor,” Von tells me as he walks up to the bar in my area. I go to shake my head to tell him, no, but he hits me with a stare saying, ‘Don’t argue with me.’ Von is the owner’s brother, and when the boss isn’t here Von tells us where we need to be. Von knows I hate it. It was him who got me a position behind the bar in the first place. So, I don’t argue because he obviously needs me if he’s asking me and not someone else. I give him a curt nod and grab the pen and pad he’s holding out. My hand takes it carefully trying not to touch him, and I place the pen in my hair. Then I start wiping the bar hoping to delay the inevitable for a fraction longer. Upon hearing his impatient cough, I see him watching, waiting for me to move. So, I sigh and walk around and out onto the floor. I observe the tables straight away that he wants me to wait on. My hands run down my apron as I walk closer to them. Sitting at one of the tables are

two couples, both leaning into each other and smiling as if they don’t have a care in the world. Do they know the real world? I offer them a smile as I ask them what they need, and they rattle off their drink orders. I smile again then head off back to the bar, slipping behind it to prepare them. I hear the sound of footsteps approaching, and I know it’s one of the girls by the click of their heels and the speed in which they’re walking. I look up to see what they want, and my eyes skim the room. They stop when a man enters. I don’t move a muscle as my heartbeat slows down because I can’t take my eyes off him. He stops before he reaches the tables and looks around. He has a baseball cap on his head that’s covering his eyes, but I can see the defined jawline and cheeks that sit above it. My emotions fly high—it’s the same man from weeks ago, the stranger from the coffee house. He doesn’t look my way, and for that I’m glad because I’m afraid of what he may do or say if he sees me staring. Averting my eyes as his close in on mine, I take two deep breaths telling myself that I don’t need what he has to offer, even when I know it’s a lie. How can I say no to sex. I busy my hands with the mixing of drinks and try my best to not look back up when they are ready. Placing them on the tray in the front of me, I move from the inside of the bar back around to the other side collecting the tray and walking it over,

looking down and watching where I’m walking. Once I reach the table, I look up slightly to drop the drinks off, but the customers pay me no attention. With a small fake smile that I’ve managed to master, I turn and run into someone, a figure I know the smell of, one whose bed I left at the beginning of the week. His hands touch me on my hips, and I revolt by backing away. I only focus my eyes on his when I feel his hands draw back. Robert slash Bob, what was his name again? Is staring at me with a look of confusion which I don’t understand. I asked for nothing after I slept with him and I left without a word. Yet, here he is standing in front of me in confusion. Why? His red hair looks dark in the bar. There’s no light shining brightly down it like it did that day. Averting my eyes, I see if my stranger with the dark hair from the coffee house is still here, then Robert slash Bob pulls me back with a name. “Sara,” he says the name I gave him. Looking around quickly, I make sure no one heard him. I don’t ever give my real name because I never plan on seeing them again. And still, somehow, he’s found me. “I thought it was you when I walked in.” He scratches his head. Looking down to my feet then back up again, I have the sudden urge to wash my hands from being so close to him. The memory of him, of what he did, fixed in my brain now like it has only just

happened. “Yeah,” I say wiping my hands on my apron again. “Look, I’m working so…” I trail off not finishing the sentence, not really knowing what else to say. What else is there to say? “Maybe we can catch up after?” His hand comes back up to touch me, and before I can move away fast enough, he has a hold of me, pulling me to him like I’m his lover, which I clearly am not. I want, no I need, his hands off of me as fast as possible. I struggle and try to move away, but he smirks like I’m playing a game with him. I’m ready to kick him where the sun doesn’t shine when I’m pulled backward and into the arms of yet another man. Only this one doesn’t feel like he’s closing in on me. The feeling is odd, and I don’t know how to explain it. Looking back up, I see that the Robert slash Bob I slept with has hard eyes on whoever is behind me. The voice rumbles dark and dangerous through his chest, I can feel the vibrations running through me with the full force of his voice, it’s deadly. “Leave,” is all he says, making me stand up taller as I watch Robert slash Bob scrunch his eyebrows in contemplation. He shakes his head and walks away like it isn’t worth his time. It clearly isn’t. I take two deep breaths before I step forward and away from his grasp. I can’t turn around just

yet to thank the stranger, I have to try and calm my erratic heart first. Talking it over in my head, I can get away without any explanation if I just say a quick ‘thank you,’ offer a free drink, and go back to working behind the bar like nothing happened. Turning around ready to face this stranger, I see no one behind me. Only the table I served, who are too wrapped up in each other to notice anything other than themselves. Shrugging my shoulders and shaking off that feeling, I go back behind the bar to hide, hopefully not coming out again for the rest of the evening. Time drags on and I don’t see either man again. When the bar finally closes, it’s just me and Von left as I close the till. “Go home,” Von says, watching me from the door. He turns and opens it trying to have me leave. I look around one last time before I take my apron off and switch the lights off. As I walk out, he leans in and taps my shoulder as a goodbye. The night air is colder now than what it was when I first arrived. A slight chill whips through the air as I take in the night sky. Everything is as quiet as the dead. No drunks hanging around, no cars driving by, and it sends a shiver up my spine. My beat-up rundown car sits all by itself in the parking lot. I look around to make sure no one is there before I walk closer to it. My low heels crunch in the gravel, and my breathing is deep and

heavy. The darkness does this to me, it causes me to freak more than necessary. The light makes me feel somewhat normal. While opening my car door, a voice comes from behind me. I jump, my hands plaster against the window of my car and my head spins so fast you’d think I was in the Exorcist. There’s a man with a baseball cap standing not far from me at all. A streetlamp illuminates the area and it’s all the light I get. It shines on him, so I can just make out some of his features. He’s dressed in all black, a short-sleeved shirt that reveals very large arms, jeans that hug him so perfectly. The part of me that’s scared, is also the part that wants to see what’s underneath those jeans. My eyes roam all the way up to his face, where I stop and notice his eyes on me. He’s watching me. I know him. He was the man from the coffee house, he was the stranger who left. I recognized him when he walked in. I placed him at the back of my mind, but now that he’s close to me, he becomes all my mind can think about. “Is your name Sara?” he asks me. His voice is so rich and full that it takes me a moment to comprehend what he’s said. I missed that voice, I think. How can I miss a voice that I have only heard once? “Were you…” Shaking my head, I don’t finish

the sentence as he continues to watch me, not saying a word. “Is it?” he asks me again, this time more dominant, leaving no room to argue or deny him— he wants me to answer him. “No,” I tell him, having no idea why I just did that. Then more words leak out of my mouth before I can stop them. “It’s Milanka,” I say, giving him my real name. He doesn’t move and I wonder if he’s even breathing. I can’t hear him or even see the rise and fall of his chest. I’m about to blurt out more words. Even knowing I’m tired and knowing I shouldn’t, I can’t help it when they rise to the surface. “Should we go to your place?” His hand moves and it’s the only sign I get. I start to wipe my hands on my shirt feeling nervous when he steps closer to me. “Your place.” He doesn’t leave it open for me to argue, he’s telling me my place or none. I should tell him no, that I’ve made a mistake, but like always, I can never do so. Never deprive myself of the one thing I want the most. Sex. It fills a void I didn’t know I had, but only just for those few minutes. The moments I’m flying away, riding on that ecstasy train, then it stops and my mind comes back to reality and down to the ground with a thump. Having no idea why I just did what I did, I

curse myself, wanting to take it all back. I want to tell myself to never do it again. And yet here I am, doing just that, again.

CHAPTER 4

takes an intimidating step toward me. His H esmell suffocating me, it’s rich just like his voice and full of flavor. So much so I can basically taste him without doing so. He smells like Old Spice and something sinful. His hand reaches out, and I think he’s going to touch me, but he just misses as he touches the door handle right near my ass. He pulls on it and I hear it click open. The door creaks loudly, he looks down at me, and all I can see is dark eyes and lips that beg to be kissed. “I’ll be driving,” he says. I nod my head and take a step away from him, then make my way to the other side of the car. He’s seated in it already, and the car is started, making me clutch my hands in my lap. Neither of us speaks as he begins to drive, I’m too preoccupied with the fact that I just agreed to let him come to my house.

I never let anyone come there. I live in a very small enclosed space. My bedroom is my living room. You take two steps and you enter my minuscule kitchenette, that’s so small it only has one counter attached to my sink. Taking a deep breath, I turn to see his hands on the steering wheel, his knuckles are almost white as he squeezes my little car tight with his hands. Who is this man? I haven’t even asked him his name. I trail my eyes up his perfect mocha skin and when I stop to meet his face, he’s already watching me with eyes that shock me as well as scare me. I’ve never seen eyes like that before. Eyes that want to pull you in yet scare you to stay far away. He comes to a stop, leaving my eyes for just a moment as he pulls the car up. I turn, seeing we are now—out the front of my house. How did that happen? I don’t remember giving him my address at all. Maybe I did? I must have because how else would he have known where to go? “How did you know?” My eyes stay trained on him, despite wanting to have sex with him, knowing my address is too much. Even if I want this man. His fingers tap lightly on the steering wheel and his eyes avert to my license that’s sitting in the middle of the car between us. Picking it up, I pocket it fast.

His hand squeezes my thigh and desire comes back full force, ridding my worries as soon as his hands touch me. That touch fucks with my head. He leaves the car and walks around to my door. Opening it as it again squeaks in protest, he offers me his hand, and I take it. His hand encloses around mine. It’s so much larger that my hand feels like a small child’s in his. Shutting the door and letting go of his hand, I start to walk. Hearing his footsteps behind me makes me feel tiny with his larger-than-life presence. Unlocking my door, I step inside and hold it open for him to enter as he looks around. I watch him, unsure of what he’s looking at, there isn’t anything to see here. Closing the door, I drop my bag to the floor, place my keys over the key hook and slip my shoes off. Shrugging my shoulders and releasing the tension in my neck, I mentally prepare myself for what I’m about to do. I don’t ever need to work myself up for this. This is what I know, and it’s what I am good at. The tension relieves itself automatically. I begin to pull my clothing from my body as I stare at his back, waiting for his eyes to come back to me to see his reaction. I always get a reaction. Usually, it involves the men stripping as fast as they can once I’m naked. He turns slowly, still surveying the room as he comes to a stop, staring at me as he pulls the

baseball hat from his head and messes with his dark hair. I can see his eyes more clearly now as he stares at me. They are almost violet, mixed with a tint of gray, just like I remember from the coffee shop. He holds his baseball hat in his hands as he looks straight at me, his eyes don’t deviate as they hold me tight and it makes me want to fidget. I take a step closer to him and when I reach him, his hands come up to my hips. His very large hand wraps around as he drops his hat to the floor and he keeps on looking at me. It’s like a war I see in his eyes, one that wants to pull away but he’s fighting it, his eyes want to move but he holds my stare. “Milanka…” My name drips from his lips, and I’ve completely forgotten I had given it to him. I’ve already broken so many rules with him tonight. Hopefully, I don’t break any more. “Hmmm…” is all I can say, no actual formation of words leave my mouth. “Are you sure this is what you want, Milanka?” His head drops to the side as he awaits my answer. A simple nod is all I can manage. I wasn’t always this way, I was reticent and reserved when I was a child. Growing up, though, that changed. Things happen in your life that pave the path of our lives. Mine was sidetracked and took on an all new route that I never saw coming. Before I can flip back to those days in my mind, his fingers dig in and pull me closer so my body is flush

against his. His skin, as soft as silk, is now beneath my fingertips as I rest my hands on his shoulders. He bends down, lips coming to me, ready to claim me, no hesitation either which is another weird one for me. Except, they don’t touch my lips at all they touch my neck. He doesn’t kiss me. Instead, he drags his lips against my skin and then I feel the lick of his tongue as if he’s tasting me. Devouring me with his lips, his hands. One single movement and I cave to whatever he wants. That’s what he does to me, I’m weak for his touch. His hands drop lower and cup the bottom of my ass, they squeeze tightly then he lifts me up, so my legs go around his waist. He’s still fully clothed as he backs me up against the wall, slamming my back into it hard. I don’t protest, just let him keep on dragging his lips up and down my neck, then biting my ear. Reaching between us, I pull at his pants and manage to get them undone. They drop to the floor. Unwrapping my legs, his lips are still on me. He lets me down. I pull on his shirt not looking up at him, even though I can feel his stare back on me, watching and waiting for me to just look up at him. He doesn’t fight it as his shirt leaves his body over his head, and what I see is all muscle. I’ve never been with someone so large and powerful looking before. I pick my partners well. Usually, a man who can’t overpower me too much. That battle has been

lost with him because a single hand could overpower me, and I could do nothing to stop him. “Touch yourself, Milanka,” he says as my eyes roam over him. Looking up, I was right when I knew his eyes were on me. They’re not on my body like most are, his are trained on my face, waiting and watching for what I will do. When I don’t do anything, he leans in close, his lips dragging again along my collarbone. I submit, offering it to him, then he pulls back. “Touch. Yourself,” he states again in that deep, rich, demanding voice. My hands slide down on his command, past my breast, down past my navel to my clit. His eyes watch me, not my hands, when I start to move in the way I know will cause me friction and get me going, which I already am. His eyes leave me and look down for a brief second, breaking eye contact before they travel back up to me landing on my eyes yet again. I keep going, rubbing and pleasing myself, not wanting to disappoint him, but also because I like it. Especially with him watching me. He reaches down, eyes still trained on me, picking up a condom from inside his pants pocket and ripping it open, then sliding it on himself. I haven’t looked down that far yet, I’ve only gotten to his unholy abs, and that was too much for my brain to handle. So much

goodness. Now, though, I can’t help but look down as he finishes and reaches for me, pulling my hand away, making me feel lonely at the loss of my touch. Licking my lips, my eyes travel further, I want to gasp when I see his cock. It’s the largest I’ve seen, and I’m about to let him touch me with it. He doesn’t let me look for long as he pulls me back to him and lifts me up. I can feel it right at my entrance, teasing me as it nudges me. I lean in more and he does the same, going back for my neck dragging his lips along my collarbone. When I try to move, he holds me deadly still, and a part of that scares me when I think about what he could do, what he could take from me, without being able to stop him. Just before I freak out, he moves us so he slides right in, my head goes back against my old dirty walls. He reaches up before he moves, and pulls the hair tie from my hair letting my long black hair cascade all around me, covering my boobs and half my face. Then he moves, and fuck he moves fast, so fast that I have to dig my nails into his shoulder to hold on. It all happens so quickly, yet it could have gone on for hours. I don’t know how much time passes, but soon my body is climaxing and it’s coming hard. So much friction, so much of everything all at once that I collapse onto his shoulder, both of us

sweating and out of breath. My legs can’t hold tight around him anymore, they start to drop and shake. He carries me when he notices, and lays me on the bed on my back. He stands there, hovering over me naked, then looks me over. Quickly, he grabs my legs and flips me as if I’m a doll made of feathers. He lifts my ass up and pulls me to my knees then slaps me hard. A scream leaves my lips as he goes again, fucking me harder and even faster. Where does he get the stamina from? I feel his hands wrap around my hair and then he pulls so my neck arches backward. I’m positioned like a dog, a very obedient dog. He pulls, slaps, and he fucks me harder as I come again. As he leaves my body, I drop, closing my eyes, passing out and not caring that I just left a complete stranger in my home as I sleep.

I WAKE WITH A START, covered in sweat. Frantically, I look around as I sit up. I spot him standing by the door, dressed, his baseball hat covering his eyes as he watches me. “You sleep like the dead,” his voice echoes through my small house. I’m still naked, not a thing covering me, so I reach for the sheet on my bed and pull it up to my chest. When I look back up, he’s

opening the door getting ready to leave. Should I say something to him? Possibly… never come back? Forget that I live here? He doesn’t give me a chance as he shuts the door leaving without another word. That’s when the demons come for me. When I’m alone. When I’ve done something I shouldn’t have. They come, then they consume, without a touch of mercy.

CHAPTER 5

always the same dream. I am younger, I t’spossibly eighteen, I have on clothes that I left my mother’s in. I always try to pinpoint the dream, to see if it’s real. Some of it feels real, some of it feels fake. I call it my demon dream because it can’t be true. Can it? That person I watch that looks like me, can’t be, surely? But it could, it possibly could. Marina tells me I won’t remember my episodes. That my psychosis happens like an out of body experience.

I

DREAMED OF SEEING

DERRICK, then the voices came,

telling me what to do and when to do it. Telling me I was worthless and the only way to make myself better was to prove them all wrong. The dream was blurry and I was fighting with this demon. He was older and looked familiar, possibly a father figure, if I’d have had one. He would follow me everywhere I went—to school, to Derrick’s, even when I would sit in the field waiting for my mother’s visitors to leave. He was there yelling at me, telling me to get up and take what was mine. It didn’t bother me at first, I used to just push it off and move on, but he kept telling me persistently and everywhere I went, he went. To make him disappear, for just a short period of time, I would dig my nails into my legs until I bled. When he first came, he was nice, caring. Now, he was scaring me and making me question everything I did. Was I doing it right? Was his way right? I didn’t know, and several times he would push me to my limit, making me think he was right. It didn’t help that the only person I spoke to was Derrick, and Derrick was all I had apart from this man who would scream at me when Derrick offered me to others. Yes! He would offer me then tell me he loved

me. My life wasn’t perfect, it was far from it. Still, I went on living, even when my demon would tell me to fight for it, fight for what I wanted. Those words were so foreign to me. You don’t fight people who care for you, the only ones who show you an ounce of being human. I’d never had that, so I took it any way I got. Not understanding something, yet having it thrown into your face all the time, was confusing. My life was hard and complicated as it was. I went home, that was how it started. It was always how it started, wasn’t it? The young innocent girl on her way home from school and boom, she was taken, kidnapped. In this dream, though, I went home with the red Corvette sitting out front of my mother’s trailer. Knowing I shouldn’t go in or wanting to even go in. But it didn’t stop the man standing next to me telling me to go in. I let him in. I let him choose tonight to see if he was good, if he would keep me safe. It was a risk. I knew that it would either scar me even more or kill me in the process. The man that was in our house was not a good man. He smelled of evil and was evil. His hands had touched me before, of which he had no right. Just because of who my mother was, that did not give a stranger the right to touch me. “Do it, Milanka. Move.”

Putting one foot in front of the other was torturous. It was a battle of my will. I was technically fighting my instincts that always told me to never enter that house. Yet, here I was listening to a man whose name I didn’t even know, and who had stalked me for days, listening to him when he told me to go somewhere I knew was not safe. “Shut up,” I hissed at him as my foot made contact with the first rickety step. It creaked as I knew it would under my weight. Then the second step did the same. Pulling the door open, I could smell everything before I saw anything. Smoke gushed out, and everything smelled of sex and drugs. The television was on and it was loud. The smoke started to clear and I spotted him straight away. He had on no shirt, and his belly was rotund as he sat on our old couch. Looking around, I couldn’t see her anywhere, she was most likely passed out in her bedroom, as per usual. He turned when he heard me enter. Shutting the door behind me, I tried to stand tall with my devil slash stranger beside me. He hissed at the old man looking me over. “Scum,” he hissed again. I couldn’t have agreed more—he was that and more. “You came back, girl. Wanting what I give your momma, ha?”

I didn’t even answer him, there was no point. He made his way over to me, and I watched in horror as one hand outstretched and came toward me. “I bet you taste better than her.” I wanted to come back with a snarky comment but I wasn’t myself. Standing still and watching him was the best I could do right now. “I’ve been waiting years to see you again.” I had avoided him all this time, never entering my house when his car was parked out front. His hand clasped my breast through my sweater, it touched and rubbed, and I wanted to throw up straight away. Instead, the man next to me hissed in my ear. He hated this man more than he hated me when I didn’t listen to him. “Move your hand, Milanka. Grab the cold piece of metal.” It took me a moment to process, and to be able to move, as I felt the man’s heavy breath panting on me. My hand grasped a handle on the counter, then the devil slash stranger laughed when I realized what I had in my hand—a knife. Then the devil slash stranger disappeared, leaving me with a man touching me and a knife in my hand. His other hand came up and touched my other breast, I knew then I couldn’t take any more of it. That it was the last straw. I drew the knife upward,

from the side of my leg and pulled it in between us, then I smiled a sinister smile as I stabbed it straight into his belly. His hands let me go straight away, and he dropped backward. Feeling the power, I laughed when he dropped his hand on the wound that was now dripping blood, and his eyes looking at me like I was crazy. Maybe it was because I still heard my devil slash stranger laughing in my head. He was enjoying it, even if I couldn’t see him anymore. This was what he wanted… for me to snap and do the unthinkable. Well, I did, and now I wanted to do more. Jumbled words left his mouth as he lay on the floor holding onto his stomach. I sat down next to him with the knife in my hand and started speaking to him. “I don’t like you. I think that’s obvious.” He grunted and cried out in pain as he tried to move. “I think you’re revolting, disgusting… the lowest of the low.” Turning, so I was closer to him. “I want to make you bleed. I want to hear you scream.” I remembered the look of satisfaction that had appeared on his face, that first day, when he saw my discomfort, and the horror when he touched me. He got off on it. I didn’t. This, though, would be interesting and I would enjoy it.

He tried to push away, to move away from me, but I just placed my hand on his, the ones covering the wounds and pressed hard. “He’s telling me where to stab. He’s telling me where it will hurt the most…” I leaned in closer. “Do you want to know what he’s saying?” He looked at me like I’d lost my mind. I hadn’t. I could see clearly and understood my devil slash stranger even though I couldn’t see him. Raising the knife, I looked one last time at the man who didn’t deserve to hurt anyone else—he would never again frighten or scare me—and I plunged it into his leg, right next to his groin. He would die slowly as the blood gradually dropped out and left his body, and I knew that my mother wouldn’t wake up before he was dead. She was basically dead to the world and would be for the next day or even two, depending what she took and how much she had ingested. He started to scream, and just as I was about to cover his mouth, the door to my trailer opened, and standing there staring at me was Derrick. In that exact moment, my devil slash stranger was back, and he didn’t look at all pleased that Derrick was there, and neither was I. Why was he there? He shouldn’t have been there. Has he come to collect me? Usually, I was at his house every day and never

want to leave. Today, I didn’t even tell him I wouldn’t be there. Maybe that was why he was looking at me with such wide eyes? He closed the door straight away and stepped inside. Derrick looked down to my hands then back to me, then to the man. “Who’s this, Mil?” I hated that name, only he called me that. “You should go. Go now,” my devil slash stranger was screaming at me to tell him so. And I did, because I didn’t want him here either, I wanted to hear this man’s last breath all by myself. Derrick stepped closer then leaned down, so he was at eye-level with me. “I think, I love you, Mil.” There was so much happiness in his voice in that moment. It made me smile because I had been failing for years to try to make him that happy. Even after everything I did for him, none of it made him smile at me like that. He reached out and took the knife from my hand then turned off all the lights. Grabbing his phone and using the light from it, Derrick turned to the man on the floor as he cried softly, and I knew he would die and Derrick wouldn’t stop that either. He would let him die as well. “Start a fire, Mil, and throw your clothes on it.” “My mother,” I said looking back. He stood and walked into her shit room, picked

her drunken ass up and carried her outside. He came back in and looked me over as I didn’t move. “Lose the clothes, Mil.” I didn’t do as he said, because when I did lose my clothes it involved sex. Sex was not what I wanted right now. He removed his shirt showing his perfect abs, and threw it down to me. “I’m your alibi, Mil. Now change.” Standing up, I pulled my sweater over my head and threw it to the floor, it landed on the man’s face and he didn’t even bother moving it. The knife clinked as it dropped from my hand and hit the floor, and I didn’t even look down for it. Changing, I do it fast, and once I was dressed in only Derrick’s shirt, I noticed Derrick had the knife and was sliding it into his pants. The devil slash stranger was telling me not to go with Derrick, that I shouldn’t go anywhere with this man. I didn’t listen. I should have listened.

WAKING IN A SWEAT, I scrub my face with my hands. The doctor told me it was just a dream and that I shouldn’t remember the episodes, but it all feels so real, like every word and everything that happened I remember vividly. It’s been over five years since I was treated. I live a steady life now, a normal life to the best of

my abilities. But I’m worried that my bed stranger may shake things up again. I’m hoping my demons don’t come back. I’m hoping that I don’t get hurt so badly that they stir and make another appearance. It’s always a trigger, isn’t it?

CHAPTER 6

been over a week since I last saw my bed I t’sstranger. The man whose name I don’t even know, and yet he knew exactly where I lived and even guessed that my name was false. I think about him often, especially about how stupid I was to let him into my house at all. I don’t know why I did it. He’s still such a mystery to me that, hopefully, I will never have to deal with again. Because believe it or not, no matter how much I enjoyed him or even had the best sex of my life, I don’t want to see him again. I don’t like the way my guard is down around him. Plus, I don’t ever want to see any of the men I sleep with ever again. No ifs or buts about it. It’s my rule that I haven’t broken in a very long time, and never plan to again. Today was just like any other day. I spot Serena

working the floor as soon I walk in. I sigh with relief knowing that means I’ll probably be working behind the bar tonight. Not one of my six shifts has had me working the floor, for which I’m thankful. It’s not too late in the day. The sun still filters light through to the bar, and patrons are slowly wandering in after finishing work. Serena smiles big when sees me, her teeth as white as the walls, a pixie cut too gorgeous to miss, and with a figure I could only wish for after carrying children. Serena never speaks of the kids’ father, and I don’t think it’s my place to ask about that situation either. As I step up closer to her, she offers me my apron and leans in for a one arm hug as she always does. I smile at her as I pull back, grabbing the apron and wrapping it around my waist. “Busy?” I ask, looking around. She shakes her head before she answers me. “No, surprisingly it’s been steady.” Her hands start moving again as she cleans some of the glasses. “I had someone in here…” she looks around then back to me, “… he’s gone. But he asked for you by name.” Serena shrugs her shoulders as her attention diverts back to cleaning. Picking up a cloth, I start wiping down the bar. “What did he look like?” I ask. She doesn’t look at me as she answers, “Dark and sexy,” is all she says.

I only know one dark and sexy man, the one from a week ago that I let in way too far. Not asking any more questions, I start cleaning again, trying not to think of him and why he was even here. Why he came back. Because I should care why. I don’t want him back. Especially, when he knows as much as he does—where I live, my real name—and I’m afraid that if he asks for more I will give it to him, I won’t be able to help myself.

IT’S dark when I arrive back home, my keys are positioned in my fingers ready to open the door. When I step up to my front door, I notice a bouquet of white lilies. I pick them up, turn and throw them as far as possible away from me. They scare me, terrify me, and I don’t want them anywhere near me. My breathing becomes erratic and my vision becomes blurred. Too much anger taking hold of me, as well as fear. “Admirer?” a voice startles me. I jump back, placing my hand to my erratically beating heart as it smashes out an uncontrolled rhythm. He’s in the shadows of the night, but I know who it is because of his gravelly penetrating voice—it's dark, just as it was that night I met him. I squint my eyes in an attempt to see him better, with no luck. So, I turn to unlock my house to get

away from him—him being here cannot be a good sign. Why was I so stupid as to let him in, in the first place? “You can’t come in,” I state, not even bothering to look at him. Hearing his footsteps come closer as I unlock the door scares me. “I don’t plan to. I want to take you out, possibly for a late dinner,” he says. I turn so I can face him, and realize it was a mistake the minute I do so. I should have stayed exactly where I was—unlocking my door and running inside to get as far away from him as possible. As I look up, his violet eyes and his perfect cheekbones and jaw structure stupefy me, and it immediately makes me want to invite him in. God damn it! I want him to fuck me again. Knowing what I’m about to do, I don’t step foot inside the house. Instead, I throw my bag through the door keeping my keys on me and shut the door, locking it again. “I haven’t eaten,” I tell him. He nods his head and places the palm of his very large hand on my back to guide me away. We start walking, and at first, I think he’s about to take my keys and drive again because that’s what he’d done last time. But instead, he doesn’t veer in the direction of my car. A sleek black Mercedes is

parked on the road. He clicks a button on his keys, unlocking it, and opens the passenger door. “Did you steal this?” I joke with him. When I don’t get an answer, I turn to see him watching me. His lip quirks up as his head slightly drops to the side. “Possibly. Now get in.” I’m not sure if he’s telling me the truth or not. I hope he didn’t steal it, and he isn’t making me get into a stolen car. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been in them before, I guess, but I thought he was different to the men I grew up around. They all seem to wear masks and are experts at hiding themselves. I walk past him while he holds the car door open and step into the car. He shuts it behind me, and my hands come together in the middle of my lap waiting for him to slide in. His car is impossibly clean, it smells as though it was just driven from a car dealership. It’s way too pretty for me to be sitting in it. Looking straight ahead, I watch as he takes us out to the highway, then a few minutes later, takes an exit. He continues to drive past the city to the outer suburbs, where he comes to a stop at what I can only guess is a closed building. He doesn’t say anything as he steps out and walks around to my side of the car, opens the door, and waits for me to get out as well.

I’m still dressed in my black slacks and black Tshirt, nothing fancy and very boring, though when I look around there’s nothing fancy here at all. He takes hold of my sweaty hand and starts to walk. It’s like he knows if he speaks too much he may spook me, and I will run the other way. We arrive at a large silver barn-style door, and he knocks three times. The door is pulled open by a larger man, not as large as him but could rival him I’m sure. He walks in with me still attached to his hand and stops again at another door. He doesn’t knock on this one, just pulls it open and walks in. Lights are bright, tables are set around the open area, and people are seated. I glance up to him as he looks around and finds what he’s searching for, then starts to pull me in that direction yet again. As we walk past a table, I take a closer look at it. It’s occupied by a lady and a man, both are dressed strangely. Leather for him with a black vest and black pants. She, on the other hand, is wearing nothing but nipple pasties I look away then look again, not believing what I’m seeing. She’s basically naked eating her food? No, she is… she is naked. What kind of restaurant is this? More observantly, I look around at the other tables and see they’re all dressed very unusually. No one is dressed as if they’re at a restaurant, yet they all have food in front of them.

He stops, and I slam into his back, too preoccupied looking around. He grunts at me as I take a step back, averting my eyes from everyone else, and notice we don’t have a table like everyone else in the open. Instead, we’re in a corner booth which is very hidden. He takes a seat and pulls me down to sit next to him. We are sitting right next to each other with our thighs touching. I don’t look at him, my eyes are still glued to the people all around us. Just before I can turn to ask him what kind of place this is, food is placed down in front of us, and not ordinary food that you’d be served at a bar. No, this is five star, the same types of food served that you’d see in movies. My plate is large and white, it looks so empty apart from the single serving of steak sitting in the middle placed on top a bed of potatoes. The sauce is drizzled over it perfectly, making it look like some sort of masterpiece painting. He doesn’t give me any words as he lifts his knife and starts cutting his steak. So, I do the same, unsure of what’s going on, but hungry because I haven’t eaten since ten this morning. The first bite is delicious and I moan into my mouth. Holy shit! Who knew steak could taste this good? I wonder what this all costs. “How much is this?” I turn to ask him, his eyes are already on me observing me eat. His violet eyes

stare at me, as he watches my mouth while finishing the last bite. “Two-hundred dollars,” he answers matter-offactly. If I hadn’t finished that piece of steak, I would have choked on it. Placing my knife and fork back down, I decide I will not eat anymore. Especially not considering that it has cost more than my grocery bill for the whole month—that’s ridiculous. “Are you rich?” I ask him. He doesn’t touch his steak again as he sits back further into his seat so he can see me even better. I have to turn my head slightly to see him more clearly. His eyes feel too much, so I look away and around the room again. People are starting to stand, the men are beginning to strip. Turning back to him, his eyes on me and I wonder if he knows what’s happening. “Where are we?” I ask, staring at him and not looking away this time. His perfect eyebrows are scrunched as he watches me carefully. “Dinner,” he states, looking around then coming back to stop on me. “You’re overdressed, though,” he says with his hand coming down on my thigh. I look at it then back to him, he’s watching me as always. “So, let’s change that.” He nods for me to stand. Not having quite worked out why I feel the need to do as he says, I stand with him right behind

me and literally the minute I stand, his front is plastered to my back. Taking a step forward, to place some space between us doesn’t work either because he does the exact same thing and follows me step by step, guiding me with his hands on my hips. The room is quieter now, the people who occupy it no longer sit around naked, eating. Stopping with his hand on my hip, he steps forward in front of me, releasing me, and opening a door. He walks in and looks back at me to follow him. I do, walking into a long corridor with red lights shining down from the ceiling. I hear noises and I can’t quite make them out. The sounds are familiar, I just can’t seem to place them. He stops in front of me and reaches his strong hand up to the wall where there’s a switch, and when he pushes it a light comes on. It illuminates the room so we can see them, just like a two-way mirror. When I turn, I see people in a room, three of them, fucking. Two men and one woman. She’s sitting on the man’s lap, and another man is standing in front of her stroking his cock in front of her lips, leaning in for her lips to taste him. The man below her bounces her harder, making it even harder for her to wrap her lips around his cock, but she licks her lips and pokes her tongue out so she can lick the tip while he strokes it. I watch her reach her climax. It happens right in

front of me, there’s only a glass wall separating us. The minute she does, the man standing walks behind her and leans down, he rubs his cock again then places his hand between her legs, stroking her wet pussy taking some of her juices and bringing it back to her ass, lifting her from the man’s lap with his strong hands. She’s still breathing hard as she arches, giving him better access before he pushes her forward, leaning onto the other guy below her as he puts his cock in her. A hand touches my hip again, but I don’t stop it as it circles around and dips below the waistband of my pants and under my panties—he touches and begins to stroke me. My breathing becomes harder as I stay where I am, watching, with his hands down my panties playing with my clit. Just as I’m about to close my eyes, he flicks me and removes his hand, pulling it away. Turning to face him, I see him licking his lips with a smirk on his face. “Later,” he says, turning the light off and continuing to walk. Taking a few deep breaths, I gather up the nerve to ask him, “What is this place?” He stops again not far from the first window. Looks to me, but this time all sexual energy is gone like it’s evaporated from his eyes. “Your hell,” is all he says as he flicks on another light. When I turn my heart stops, my hands sweat,

and I know I’m about to pass out.

CHAPTER 7

up I had one person in my life, my G rowing mother. Sometimes I think that she didn’t deserve that title, ‘mother’, because she wasn’t one. It was always about her and what she could get out of this life or the people around her. In her eyes, people were objects that were made to be used. I lost count of the amount of men she brought home to our small trailer. What made it worse was the fact that I didn’t even have a room—we slept together. So, every time she was off fucking someone in our one-bedroom trailer, I had to hear every detail. No matter how much I tried to block it out, by turning up the television or trying to fall asleep, nothing worked. It was always there, the sounds of her lying pleasure—yes, lying. She would complain about how much of a lousy fuck they

were once they left. Telling me all about them, even when I wasn’t old enough to understand what sex was. Though, I learned that part pretty fast, once you walk in on someone who was always having it. I used to think I hated her, despised her for keeping me. Why couldn’t she have given me up for adoption? Sent me into the system. Let’s face it, she didn’t want me or need me. But I was her check, I learned once I was old enough, and she was not doing anything to fuck up that income. Going to school I didn’t have any friends, I was an outcast because everyone knew who my mother was and what she did. She slept with most of my schoolfriend’s fathers, even some of the teachers at my high school. Her reputation was starting to rub off on me, and I had only just grown boobs. Teenage boys would ask me to suck their cocks. I was shocked and appalled at their words until I made friends with one boy. At first, I didn’t think he saw me for what I was, or who I was raised by. Going to his house after school was my new favorite thing. He had a pool and a house—an actual house. I couldn’t remember the last time I was in a real house, unless it was a quick stop with my mother to pick up something, even then I was told to wait out front. So, I met a boy. One that didn’t speak to me as if I were my mother. One who showed me an ounce of respect. His name was Derrick. I lusted after

Derrick, or so I thought because he was so different, so popular. He liked me even with my old clothes, which were my mother’s because she hated spending money on me, and buying me clothes was definitely not on her list of must-haves. Anything to do with me was a waste of money that could be more easily spent on her. After two months together with Derrick, and feeling like I was a human again, not something that a person kept because she wanted what she could get out of me, I felt alive. And it was all thanks to him. So, I gave him what I never thought I’d give another person—for the simple fact that I never wanted to, never felt the need to—I gave him myself. He was different though, wasn’t he? “Just pull it all off,” he’d said when we were in his bedroom. I’d never done this before, so he was instructing me on what I had to do. He was naked, and already lying on his bed waiting for me. Removing my clothes, one by one, I saw his eyes light up at what he saw. No one had ever seen me naked. Even at my own house, I made sure I showered with underwear on. For one primary reason—I did not trust who Mom brought home, and who could possibly walk in on me. So there I was—not a scrap of clothing on me. My black hair was long and shapeless and skimmed the length of my back due to not being able to

afford a salon visit. My fair complexion was so light due to never showing any skin. And here was a boy that was looking at me like I was everything. And in that moment, I honestly thought I was. He was popular and had dated the head cheerleader. Still, he chose me. That experience was not one I enjoyed. I believed I’d never have sex again after that. It was too painful, and he wasn’t gentle with me at all, he was rough and it hurt. Then it happened again a week later because he was being nice to me, only this time it wasn’t as painful. Nevertheless, I still had no pleasure in it. Thinking I was meant to tell him, I asked him, “Will I enjoy it eventually?” His face went from caring to angry within a second. His nostrils had flared, and I watched as his pupils dilated. He stood to throw my clothes at me, and I had no idea what was happening. He called out a name I didn’t quite catch, and one of his friends opened the door and looked between us. “She wants to be fucked…” He looked at me, still so angry. “Let him fuck you, and be a good girl,” he stated as he threw on a shirt and walked out of the room. I was still naked under the bed sheets as his friend started to undress and climb in with me. Thinking I should tell him no and that I didn’t want to do this, was all I wanted to say, but I didn’t.

Letting one of his friends climb into that bed with me, in that moment, was the biggest mistake of my life. It was the exact moment I turned into my mother, the person I hated the most. Because it didn’t stop with his friend. It went on and on and on. I could never run from Derrick, and a part of me didn’t want to either. Even after that night, I was at his house every day with him. He had a car, so where he went, I went. After that first time with his friend, who was just as bad as Derrick was, I asked him no more. He placed his hand on my shoulder and smiled as he looked at me. “You’re mine, Milanka. So, you fuck who I say you fuck.” He turned back to the road and continued to drive. Derrick was a devil wearing a mask. He was my first masked devil, and I was determined he would be my last, the minute I could get away. I did everything he asked. Everything. Attended all his parties with a smile on my face and dressed the way he chose. My mother never even noticed I was gone, but she didn’t care. I spent more and more time with Derrick. I wished in those moments I was a stronger woman, not a weak one that allowed myself to be pushed around. Derrick’s arm was around me one night, we were with a group of his friends sitting down talking. We were waiting for everyone to arrive

because, as usual, he was throwing another party. Turning to look at Derrick I saw everything I liked in him—from his brown messed-up hair that looked like he didn’t need to style it because he woke up like that, his lips that sucked me in in the first place with his smooth words that he would send my way, to his brown eyes that if you looked close enough you could see the evil leaching from them. It took me too long to work that part out, though. If only I were smarter. If only I had been born a different person. Different mother. Different life. Those thoughts of ‘if only’ always run around in my head. Why can’t that happen to me? The girls that came around had perfect lives, yet they complained about the stupidest things. I never understood them. Therefore, I was never friends with them. Nicole was the first girl I saw walk into the house with her posse behind her. She was Derrick’s ex and the head cheerleader, and she was still madly in love with him. I was constantly on the receiving end of the crude jokes, innuendoes and snarls she sent my way every day at school. Today, though, she didn’t even look at me as she walked in. Nicole made a beeline straight to

Derrick, his arm dropped from around my waist, and I wanted to claw at him to bring it back where it belonged. She leaned in and whispered in his ear, leaving me standing right there wondering what she was saying. He pulled back, looked at her then to me. His fingers clicked in the air. His friend appeared, one of the boys on the football team he was captain of. “Take Milanka to my room,” he said to him. I was about to protest when he interjected looking at me. “Show him a good time, Milanka.” I didn’t nod because I didn’t see any reason to. His friend already had hold of my hand and was dragging me away, while Nicole smirked as she watched me with laughter in her eyes. Hated him. I hated him more in that moment than I ever hated anyone before. The feelings were strong, but he was the only man to show he cared and showed me any compassion. He bought me new clothes and shoes. It was the first time I’d received something that was brand new, considering I always wore my mother’s old hand-me-downs. He made me feel, eighty percent of the time, the other twenty percent wasn’t so great. But I wasn’t willing to destroy that eighty percent by disappointing him. So, I did what he said, I slept

with his friends. By the fourth friend, I started to really enjoy sex. I liked the way they looked at me when I was naked, like I was more than what I was. Not some trailer park girl. He was sleeping with Nicole again, and he started to ignore me at school a few weeks after that night. He didn’t pull away straight away, it was a slow burn, and I didn’t even see it until it was in my face. Until I saw him fucking her in the same bed he had me in the night before. I stopped going over there even though I wanted to be there more than anything. Let’s face it, the last place I wanted to be was in the trailer listening to my mother make sounds that I knew all too well now. Had I turned into her? I couldn’t turn into that… into her! He treated me different, right? Not like the men treated her, I was sure of it. We went back and forth until the day we left high school. I would always forgive him and go back, let him treat me the same way he’d always done. In return, he would buy me things, some things I didn’t even need or want. The gift, though, in itself was like a child receiving a new toy, every time. I’m guessing it felt like what a child would feel when opening gifts on Christmas morning. The after-party from graduation changed all my thoughts. It made me clearly realize what I had become.

On that night, I ran, with a single bag and all I had to my name, and never came back.

CHAPTER 8

H islips.hands grip my hips as a scream leaves my Am I about to pass out? Run? I don’t know. My mother’s behind that glass partition, and the position she’s in is one I never want to see again. Still, here I stand with it being seared into my brain like a branding iron would mark cattle for the rest of their lives. I pull trying to get away, but his hands grip harder into my hips. I’m breathing heavily and afraid my breaths will leave me at any second. She can’t see me, even though her eyes are glassed over and she’s looking straight at us. “Who are you?” I ask turning to him. His hands lift from my hips and I watch as he stares at me. He’s watching my face for my

reaction, wondering what I’ll do. “Connick,” he states. His name—the first real piece of information I’ve gotten from him. I attempt to walk away, but he grabs hold of my hand, stopping me. Turning back to him my lips form a hard line. “Let. Me. Go,” I say pulling to get my hand free. “You sure you don’t want a room, Milanka?” his voice is teasing. Shaking my head, I pull again with no luck. “I want to go.” He releases my hand, and just before I can make it to the front door, he’s right behind me pulling it open for me to exit. “What do you want?” I scream at him. His eyes skim around outside the building then land back on me. “I want to drive you home.” He walks to his car and pulls the passenger door open. I look around in the desperate hope that I can use a cab, but the night is dead quiet. So, I comply and walk to it and climb in. Connick shuts the door, walks around the front of the car and slides into his seat. As he drives, I stare out the window and wonder what my next move will be. Because right now I need to get away again, and this time I won’t let those dark, sexy voices with hypnotizing eyes break my will. Before I realize it, he comes to a stop and just

before he has a chance to say anything, or even move, I get out of the car and run, straight to my house, quickly moving through the door and locking it behind me. My back slides down the door, I hold onto my knees for support, while I wait to listen for his car, hoping he will drive off and I never have to see him again.

Six months later… I WOKE in a hospital with Marina standing over me a few months ago. It’s happened again, a trigger, she informed me. The thing about having a psychotic episode is that you don’t remember what you did. They come, and it’s like someone else that takes control of your mind and body. The only way to come down, for me in the past, has been hospitalization. That was how I met Marina, the first time it happened, and she’s been my psychiatrist ever since. She’s explained to me that they can never pinpoint why the episodes come or return. But most cases people live a healthy life, and some never regress into the psychosis again. To hear that mine has returned scares me more than anything else in this life. I don’t even understand these episodes, so I see Marina all the time to make sure I’m okay. Even

when I no longer needed to see her, when I was placed on medication and hadn’t had an episode for years, I still kept on seeing her. In a way it made me feel like I was staying healthy that way. If I saw someone who could potentially help me if I was steering down the wrong path gave me strength. Marina analyzed me for months. I didn’t want to leave the small hospital she worked at because it felt safe to be there, even if the medication had done its job. So I stayed longer than necessary. Putting it down to Connick and what happened, I moved away, I had to. I can’t risk that situation again, especially with him knowing where I live and who I am. I should’ve known something was off with him, but I let him get way too close for even for my liking. So, I did what was best for me, I packed what I had and moved. One state away felt like a fresh start. I didn’t know a soul here, and I knew I would never see anyone I knew. Finding a job was easy, bartending work is easy to come by, especially when that’s all you have done. I felt bad about leaving my previous job with no notice, it was something that I had to do, though. My new bartending job is completely different to my last one. This place is full of suits and I have to dress the part to match. Short black skirts with a clean, crisp white shirt and heels. There aren’t as many employees as my last place, it’s just me on

today and later another bartender will take over. I kind of like the slowness of it all and the vibe of this place. The floors are all shiny and polished wood. The bar top is made from black marble and it has a sleek design. Another bonus is it’s located right around the corner from my apartment which I found to rent. Still just as small as my last one, but I don’t need much, my life doesn’t need much. I should want more out of my life, like going to college and maybe finding something I’m passionate about. But, here I am in yet another bar, serving the rich and college-educated people. I haven’t been with anyone since Connick, too afraid and not wanting to, which is all very new to me. That connection I claimed to have when I wanted sex is low now, especially since I know the aftermath of what that brings and where it leads. So, I try to say no to it and so far I have succeeded, but I’m afraid at how long that will actually last considering my past. I see my mother in my dreams a lot lately. She still looks the same, so much like me it’s scary. Her hair just as black, her skin just as pale. But her eyes hold a void I’m afraid I have too, one that can never be filled. Not once has she ever tried to reach out to me or even look for me since the day I left. I called her once and she was so drunk I couldn’t understand a word she said. Connick has a well-worn position in my

nightmares. He’s a mystery, someone I don’t understand. How could he have known who she was, let alone who I was? Watching as the other bartender walks in, I finish wiping the bar down and stack the glasses away ready for my shift to end. He nods to me but doesn’t speak as he walks behind the bar. I place my till card up on the counter for him and grab my bag, ready to walk out. Today is pay day so I have to run out and buy some food. I’ve been running low lately due to having to come up with money to pay for my new apartment, so I’m excited to do a full shop. The grocery store is just one block away from where I work, and when I enter, I grab what I need —the essentials and nothing more. Only living on noodles and bread, you become accustomed to it and don’t have a need for much else if that’s all you know. Occasionally, I will buy ice cream or chocolate, but very rarely. My last job used to feed us on our breaks, but this new job doesn’t have a kitchen, all they serve is just straight up alcohol. I push my cart to the front of the store and start loading everything up. My heels are digging into my feet and I want to kick them off. The cashier smiles as she starts scanning my items. I look down at my feet and see the heel is red and a little blistered—I really need to buy some new shoes. As I look back up to grab my purse, I feel a tap on my shoulder.

Turning around I notice a person I don’t recognize. She smiles at me and drops her head to the side. “Malinka?” Her voice sounds vaguely familiar, but I can’t pinpoint it. Where do I know her from? “It is you, isn’t it?” she says again. “It’s me… Nicole.” I revolt, taking a large step back. Forgetting her was easy, she was a bitch and not someone I want to remember. “Yes…” I manage to squeak out, wishing it didn’t sound like that, wishing I just grabbed my things and walking out instead of answering her. Her hand goes up on her hip, and she looks me up and down, turning away from her I catch sight of a little person pulling on her shirt. “I’m so sorry I was a bitch to you back then.” Her words stun me as I hand the cashier my money. Time freezes, and I think back to what an utter cunt she really was. Sixteen years old… I had let him use me for far too long. A part of me knew it was wrong, that I should find a way to tell him that I didn’t want to do those things he wanted from me. But somehow, I also seemed to enjoy them. I wasn’t sure if it was the after-

presents, or the actual act of sex and how the men looked at me once I was naked. I had my new bag over my arm, the one Derrick had bought for me of course, as well as the new shoes that were on my feet. Walking outside to my usual place to eat, I wondered where I would go. We had two more weeks left of school and I couldn’t wait to leave every person I knew behind. Not because they scared me, but to try to be a different person without the heaviness of my mother’s actions and how I was perceived by them. Derrick didn’t sit with me at school, he was always with his friends, and I never once tried to interfere with that. I was more than happy to stay by myself for an hour a day for lunch, sitting down at the table near the football oval in my usual position. Today, though, just as I opened my sandwich—which was rare to have, but thanks to Derrick I seemed to have more of what I never had but needed—voices grew louder. Not wanting to risk being caught staring, I stayed where I was and picked at my food. A bag dropped in front of me and landed on my food. Turning to my side, I saw Nicole, the same Nicole that was obsessed with Derrick. She hated that he showed any interest in me at all when there was someone like her available. Gathering my stuff, I went to stand, her hand touched my shoulder, and she pushed me back

down with the gentle force of her hand. I’m sure if I wanted to I could have maybe overpowered her and walked away, but I didn’t want the confrontation that would inevitably come along with that. So, I sat and waited for her words to assault me instead. “Stop following him. He doesn’t even like you. You’re trash.” She spoke her words near my ear and a shiver wanted to break free all over my body with her being that close. “I heard he pimps you to all his friends. You’re like his own little slut.” Another assault of words. I could hear Nicole’s friend laughing behind her. My eyes stayed downcast. I didn’t want to deal with her, I didn’t even want her near me. She continued, “He tells me you know, what a slut your mother is and how much like her you are. He only keeps you around because of that reason… because you open your legs at his command. Do you know most girls don’t do that?” She laughed and shook her head. “You probably don’t though, being raised by a slut and all.” Her hand clasped the back of my hair, she pulled it hard then slammed my face into the table. I could taste the blood, my head felt foggy and I saw stars, so I stayed where I was. Not wanting to look up or deal with her at all, she smacked the back of my head as I kept it down. Finally, I heard her footsteps walk away. I stayed exactly where I was even after the bell

rang. Desperately, I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out again.

CHAPTER 9

looking at me like we’re friends, we S he’s aren’t. A small child clings to her side, a beautiful little girl with dark brown hair. She reminds me of Derrick’s beauty, the one I got lost in all those years ago. I squash those thoughts immediately and look up at Nicole. “I was wondering…” her voice starts then stops, her hand grabbing hold of the little girl as she starts to move. I reach out and stop her, and she looks back to me. “Maybe we should have lunch… and possibly try to talk more.” I’m sure my eyebrows squint at her words. Why would she want to meet me for lunch? She hated me. She watches my resolve and pushes further, “Please…. just to chat. I promise…” I grab my packed bags of food from the cashier.

Nicole moves forward loading her own food up as she holds onto her daughter’s hand. I nod my head and wonder, why did I do that? Her smile feels real and genuine as she waits for my answer. Her hand reaches out as she speaks again, “Can I grab your number?” She hands me her phone unlocked and ready for me to input my number. I take it with shaky hands, entering my number carefully. Her daughter claps her hands together and is smiling at me. Kids aren’t my thing. I never want any. Not in this world, they’re not for my world. But this little one, she’s somewhat cute. Not looking up to Nicole again, I leave and don’t look back, hoping she won’t call me.

AS I’M WALKING into my apartment two days later after finishing work, my cell phone rings. I don’t recognize the phone number at first, and usually, I don’t answer unknown callers, but my hands are full and it’s screaming in my hands. “Hello,” I answer pushing the door open with my hip. I drop my bags on the floor and straighten my cell to my ear as I listen to whoever’s calling. “It is your number! I didn’t think it was, I thought…” she pauses, and I realize who it is— Nicole. “Anyway, are you free later on? I have a

booking at Crème Freshest, and you know how hard it is to get a booking there. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, if you’re free I would love to meet you there for dinner?” I don’t know of that place, I have no idea what it is. I don’t even know where it is. Though I vaguely recall someone talking about it once, and I don’t recall much, only that it’s hard to get into and high class. Doesn’t surprise me with Nicole, she always had money because her family owns real estate. “Really?” Leaning against my fridge my eyes go large. Why does she want to meet me? I don’t see anything good coming from seeing her again. Walking to my window, I look down the three stories to the road out front. Instantly, I notice a dark figure who has stopped and is looking up at my window. Opening the window, I lean out more to get a better look. He smirks up at me and my heart stops. Jumping backward, I almost drop the phone forgetting who’s on it and quickly look again. No one’s there. Was I hallucinating? “So, can you? I know it’s short notice, but I’ve just gotten a sitter.” My hands start moving and straightening out. I don’t know what to say to her. Honestly, I thought for sure she wouldn’t call me, but here she is larger

than life. “Sure,” my voice is small when I finally answer her. “Oh yeah… thank you. Can you meet me there in say… one hour?” I look at the clock and around my small apartment. “Sure,” I repeat again. Nicole starts to talk fast and I don’t hear a word she says. My mind is wondering why the fuck I just agreed to meet with her. I don’t even like this woman. But people deserve second chances, right? I sure as shit hope they do, because I’ve never gotten one, just kicked to the curb and move on. Thanks, Mother. Going through my clothes is hard trying to find something to wear. My clothes consist of mostly stay-at-home clothes, like sweat pants and tees, mixed with some work clothes. In amongst it all there’s very few going-out dresses. Managing to find a dress I’d forgotten I own, I slip it on—it’s red and slides on perfectly. I let my hair down from the bun it’s in and let it flow down my back, the curls taking on a life of their own. Calling for an Uber and having it arrive right on time, doesn’t give me much of a chance to contemplate what I’m really doing—which is going to see a woman I don’t even like and yet somehow I’ve agreed to have dinner with her. Kind of like Connick, I didn’t agree to give him

anything, he just took it all and it slipped out of me. I haven’t been that vulnerable since I was a teenager. I never want that to happen again, this is the main reason I only have sex with strangers now. I can control the situation and can leave and have no contact after the act. I don’t need them again, and this gives me the control I need and makes me feel somewhat normal from my fucked-up life. After a short drive, I make my way out of the Uber and walk straight up to the front of the restaurant. The maître d' looks me over and smiles when her eyes land on me. I tell her I’m here to meet Nicole, giving her Nicole’s first and last name, and she smiles as she asks me to follow her. Nicole’s easy to spot, she’s seated at a table by herself with a bottle of wine next to her. She’s sipping on a glass and looking around. Nicole’s eyes stop on me, and she stands as I get closer, then leans in for a hug. I one-tap her back and pull away quickly, taking a seat opposite her. “Thank you so much for coming. I never get out, so this is nice,” she tells me, pulling her own chair out and sitting back down. Menus are handed to us and a glass of wine is poured for me. “I’m not quite sure why I’m here, Nicole.” I reach for the glass of water instead of the wine. I don’t particularly like to drink. She notices my actions but doesn’t comment on them. “I know how hard it was for you…” She looks

me dead in the eye waiting for a reaction, she doesn’t get one. I’ve dealt a lot with that time of my life, and I don’t tend to think about it too much these days. Well, I try not to. “We were so mean to you.” “We?” I ask confused. She should be talking about herself, yet she used the word ‘we.’ “Yes, Derrick and I…” Nicole looks behind me, and when she does, her eyes stay there for a moment. I turn to see what she’s looking at and when I do I wish I hadn’t come because Derrick is walking right to us dressed like he’s just left a catwalk. His eyes are solely on me as he steps toward us. I turn back in shock and look to Nicole who’s smiling at me. I wish right now, I could reach across the table and strangle her very fucking slowly. “You aren’t the least bit sorry… are you?” I ask shaking my head at her. She smirks and I know I’ve been played the minute she does. “No, not really! Does that make me a bad person? You had what I wanted, and now I have it. Even have a child to him. It was the best thing I could do to get you out of the picture. You were my only barrier to getting him.” She stops speaking when a chair is pulled out and he sits between us, I can’t look at him yet. He’s too close, and I can

smell him, he smells exactly the same as he did all those years ago. I hate him. I love him, yet I loathe him. “You can leave now, Nicole.” His voice is the exact same as I remember from back all those years ago. My eyes stay firmly on Nicole, still not looking at him. Watching her closely, her face reads shock. She obviously didn’t expect that to happen. Nicole stands, placing her napkin on the table then looking me over, then to him. Her footsteps are all I hear as she marches off, my eyes still don’t want to see him. “Milanka…” His voice is so close, and I hate it. I go to stand, but his hand stops me by placing it on my thigh. I freeze. Everything inside of me becomes stock still. His hand is on me, something I never wanted again after I left. And now here he is, all these years later, looking at me the same as how he looked at me when I was sixteen. Now, though, I know better. Now, I know that those looks are fake and have a motive behind them. I won’t let those looks bring me in, or even let him have power over me again. “Remove your hand, Derrick,” I ask him in a

quieter voice so as to not bring attention to us. His eyes are on me, I can feel them, but I stay staring at his hand waiting for it to lift, and it does slowly. “If I remember correctly, you never complained about my hands on you.” His voice is smug and unappealing. I want to get up and walk away, but I’m afraid he’ll cause a scene. “Your hands are branded in fire, no one wants them on any part of their body.” I turn to look at him then, his eyes are narrowed as he stares at me. He isn’t happy. “Did you marry her, Derrick?” I ask him before he has a chance to say anything else. He nods his head. “Why are you here?” My hands clench together in my lap. He leans in close so I can feel his breath. “I’ve missed you, you know. So many years without you has been torturous. I agreed to not find you, when she asked. I agreed to not want you, when she asked.” He laughs, and I know something is seriously wrong with him. How could there not be? “I’ve never stopped wanting you, and you know I get what I want. Now I want you back, and I will take you back Milanka. You are mine. You will always be mine, and no other will stand in the way any longer. I think we’ve had too much time apart, don’t you?” Standing, I push my chair out and

reach for my purse. His hand covers mine stopping me from moving. Turning to look at him, his eyes roam over me then stop at my face. “You were mine, Milanka. I never agreed for you to leave me.” His words send shivers over me. Who said I was his? I’m not a possession that can be claimed. Leaning down close so he can hear me perfectly I whisper, “I was never yours. I was young, naïve, and stupid when I met you. You took advantage of that. Never again will you get that chance.” Snatching my bag from under his grip I walk away fast, almost powerwalking out of the restaurant. I rush down the street and pull out my cell to ring for an Uber when I feel his presence behind me. Looking around, I realize instantly how stupid it was to walk away from the lights of the restaurant, the protection and safety it would have afforded from the people around it. Now, I’m standing on a street with only one streetlight, and I’m the only person on the street right now apart from him. Looking up at him, I see the evil smile that always lurks on his lips when he’s about to do something bad. Why can’t he just go back to his wife? Leave me alone. I want nothing to do with him, haven’t for a very long time. And yet, here he is, invading my

space again. “I never said you could leave, Milanka,” he says, taking a step toward me, I take a step back. “You have a family! A child now, Derrick. Why are you even here?” I look past him in hopes someone is coming, but no one is. “I don’t love her. She tricked me into it all. I’ve only ever loved one person. Can you guess who that person is, Milanka?” “Your daughter,” I state, hoping that’s true and it’s not the alternative. “No, it’s always been you. Since that first day… I saw you dressed in shoes that didn’t fit, to the day I see everything you have.” “I don’t love you,” I tell him, straightening my spine, holding my head up high. He shakes his head at me to tell me no like he knows something I don’t know. “You do. And I’ll make you remember, Milanka.” He steps closer to me and before I can speak another word someone’s behind me, hitting the back of my head. I drop before I can see who it is. My last vision is of Derrick smiling down at me as he watches me fall to the ground. Sick bastard.

CHAPTER 10

hurts like there’s a raging fire sitting M yinhead there, one I can’t seem to extinguish. Running my hands over my body I find I’m still fully dressed. My red dress is intact and not removed, but my shoes, on the other hand, are missing altogether. Touching my head, I feel a lump sitting back there. It hurts badly to touch but I’m glad when I feel no blood. My body starts hyperventilating, I can’t see anything, not a damn thing. The dark freaks me out more than being held by Derrick. Managing to catch my breath and calm myself down a little I start moving, running my hands along the walls to try and work out where I am. I can’t see anything because the room is pitch black, and no light even flows in from under a door. The walls feel smooth, the floor has carpet underneath

my feet. Walking around with my hands on the wall, I try to find something or anything to defend myself for when he comes back. Why did he take me? That’s a question that’s going to haunt me for however long I’m here. Not a thing is in this room. The light switch even has the cover missing so I can’t turn it on. I sit back down on the floor, my head now pounding even more. I don’t know how long I sit in that room, but soon my bladder is full and I need to use the bathroom. My stomach is growling, and I remember I didn’t have any dinner. Crawling to the door, I start to bang on it, hoping someone will come so I can use the bathroom and hopefully work out where the fuck I am. My hands start to ache, and I pull them away placing my ear to the door trying to listen for footsteps. The moment I do the door is flung open and I land at the feet of Derrick. I know it’s him automatically because of his smell. It’s all around me, he always uses too much spray-on deodorant. Sitting back and struggling to get to my feet, I attempt to leap at him, to hurt him in any way possible. But his hands catch me, turning me, and locking me in a vice grip so I’m unable to move. My breathing grows heavy, and his breath comes down over my bare shoulders. I feel his lips there, and try to move away but he holds tight and hovers

over my shoulder. “Let me go, Derrick,” I tell him, pulling again with no luck. He laughs in my ear. “Not happening, I need to taste you again.” The image of when he last touched me assaults me, and I want it gone immediately. His touches were rough and possessive. Even though he shared me, everyone knew I was his, and I was only allowed with other men if he set it up. It was his way of owning me, showing others the hold he had on me. “That’s never going to happen. I never want you to touch me again,” I say to him. He squeezes me tightly, too tightly. “I need to use the bathroom,” I manage to push out. His hold on me relaxes a little, and he lets go but is fast to grab hold of me again by my hand and starts pulling me away from the room he had me locked in. Looking back, I see that it’s a small room with gray walls and gray carpet. There’s definitely nothing in there that could help me at all. He stops, making me slam into him, when he pulls another door open—it’s the bathroom. Turning back to him, my hands come to a stop at the bottom of my dress, and I wish it was longer because his eyes keep going to my legs. “You can’t watch me!” His eyes move back up to me, then his head

drops to the side. “Last chance to use the bathroom before you go back and think about why you want me.” “Why I want you?” I question, and he steps in closer. “Yes, I showed you real emotion. The first person to ever do so. I claimed you, and you left me all those years ago. But just because you ran away doesn’t mean I wouldn’t find you, Milanka.” I step back, my legs hitting the toilet and my bladder tightens on me knowing it’s so close. “I need to pee,” I reiterate. He waves his hand at the toilet. “You now have a few seconds. Move it.” I pull my dress up just the slightest amount to reach my panties to pull them down, his eyes watch my movements but he doesn’t comment on them. I sit backward watching him staring at me. I’ve done this before, weird as it sounds, gone to the bathroom in front of him. This time though, it feels forced and he becomes frustrated walking in and turning on the tap. He steps even closer to me. My bladder eventually gives up and let’s go, and the moment it does I feel a slight relief until I realize where I am once I’m finished. Pulling up my panties after wiping, he takes hold of my wrist and drags me back to the same room, pushing me in and shutting the door hard. I stand at the door for a while trying to listen for

anything and having no luck. Moving away, I drop to the floor and crawl up to a ball, wondering when or if I can get out of here and away from him without anything happening to me. I’m not afraid of what he can do, but what I can do also. Waking up some time later, I hear muffled voices, but I can’t fully hear them. The door opens and Nicole walks in with a plate, and also a knife in her hand pointed at me. She drops the plate to the floor, and before I can manage to say a word, she walks out slamming it shut. Feeling my way to the plate, I touch it, and my stomach tightens in excitement of receiving some food. My hands feel the softness of bread which I eat first, way too fast. My stomach tightens, and I’m afraid I’m about to throw it all up when I hear Derrick’s voice. It’s still muffled, but I know that voice, very well, too well for my liking. Crawling past the food to the door, I place my ear on it hoping to hear what’s being said. “She’ll be screaming for me soon.” His voice is certain. “I doubt it.” Another voice speaks. I try to pick the voice. I know I’ve heard it before. I know the voice, but I can’t just pinpoint how. I need to hear his voice more. My fists start banging on the door knowing both can hear me. Derrick’s laugh follows, and I hear his footsteps walking away. But I don’t hear two sets, so that means whoever he was speaking to is still down

here with me. Listening and waiting for orders maybe? “I can pay you,” I lie to the man who I know is still there. “I can pay you greatly,” I say, lying again. “Keep your strength,” is all the voice says behind the door. I slump down, wondering if I will get out, and where the fuck I would go if I did? He will find me, again.

MY BACK IS STILL against the door when it opens, and I fall backward. When I manage to stand slowly waiting for Derrick to be there, I’m surprised when I don’t see him. Actually, I don’t see anyone. Looking around to make sure this isn’t some sort of trick, and when I see no one, I run. I know this house, I’ve spent enough time here now to know the ins and outs of it. Days have turned into nights and nights have turned into days… I have no idea how long I’ve been here. All I do know is that I’ve made damn sure that I know the layout of the house in which I’m being held captive. So, if a chance arose, a small opportunity of escape, then I would know exactly where to run. I make my way through the corridor and

straight up the stairs to the front door. It’s dark when I pull the door open. The night sky is bright, the moon’s light is casting its blue haze over the ground, and I’ve never been so happy to see it. The bastard knows that I hate the dark, the shadows devour me, that’s why he locked me in there, the stupid prick. Running, I make my way to the center of town and go to the nearest train station and don’t look back. My heart is beating through my chest, and I have no money on me. Fuck! Now I can’t get on the train. Looking around, I find a cab sitting in front of a restaurant. Running over to it with my feet bare, I pull the door open and hurry into the back seat. The driver asks me my address, and when I give it to him he pauses, looking back at me. I manage a small smile and hope I don’t look like I just escaped from a mental asylum. The car starts up and relief floods through me as he begins to drive. I have money stashed in my jewelry box at home, money I was planning to buy a new mattress with. Now, all that money will go to this taxi driver for driving me the fuck out of that town and away from Derrick. After several hours I arrive home, and the taxi driver looks back to me with his hand out. I hold up my hand telling him I need to get the money and jump out running to my apartment. As I reach the door, I realize I’ve forgotten I don’t have my keys

either. I look down the hall and spot the manager and wave at him to let me in. He quickly walks to the door and opens it, letting me in. “What’s up, Milanka?” I think up a lie, and it slips from the tip of my tongue. “Forgot my damn keys. Thanks for letting me in.” I walk past my door and notice it’s open, just slightly but definitely unlatched. With a push of the door, I take a cautious step inside and begin to look around. I don’t see anyone or even notice anything stolen, not that I have a lot to take in the first place. Grabbing some money—thank God that’s still there—I run it out the front to the cab driver and thank him for waiting. After making my way back into my small, yet comforting apartment, I secure the door. But honestly, that doesn’t feel like enough right now. My hands shakes as I reach for my cell to call the police. I tell them what had just happened with a shaky breath, and they request for me to come to them. I can’t. I don’t want to leave the house right now. He informs me someone will be here soon to take my statement. Collapsing onto the ground with my back against the door, I wait for the police to come. Once the police arrive, a man looks me over. What must I look like, I can’t even imagine. Running my hands through my hair to pull out some of the knots, I tell the officer as much as possible

without telling him names. Giving him Derrick’s name isn’t something I want to do right now. I do leave hints, though, and he does say that he will investigate further. My dreams, with Derrick in them, are too real for me, to give an officer anything that could lead directly to that scares me. But I can’t be so stupid anymore, I need to start looking out for me because no one else does. As soon as he leaves, I grab the fridge, unplug it and roll it across to the door, so if someone tries to open it again at least it will wake me. Once that’s done, I take a knife from the rack and keep it close as I walk to the shower. After stripping my clothes, I jump into the scalding hot water and begin the cleansing process. The hot spray descends on my body and feels like red hot needles penetrating my skin. As I scrub away everything that reminds me of fucking Derrick, the water turns dark as it circles the drain. I try to figure out who might have opened the door. I didn’t think of it on the way home, I was too busy looking out the back window of the cab, afraid that someone was following me and this was just a joke or a game of cat and mouse. After cleansing my body thoroughly, I climb out and grab the knife, holding it close to me as I walk out. I will use it if he comes back.

He won’t take me again. Especially now I know he wants me back. After all these years, I was hoping that somehow he may have forgotten about me. I guess my luck isn’t that good. Come to think of it, my luck got stuck up that Leprechaun’s ass and has never escaped. Fucker.

CHAPTER 11

T

he next day, I packed all my stuff, ready to move again. This time I’m going back to my old neighborhood. At least there, I felt safer than I do right now in this apartment. When I arrived, I discovered that my old house was taken, but I found another one not far from my old job, which I’m walking into now. I’ve been here for a few days, getting everything together and organizing a few things, but at the moment I’m hoping my old job is still available. Von is there behind the counter talking to Serena. They are very close, leaning in together, a little too close for a working relationship. The door bangs behind me and both their heads turn my way. Serena squeals when she sees me, running over and wrapping her arms around me. Von just stares with his arms crossed over his chest, I can tell he’s not

impressed at all. When she releases me, she pulls back keeping her hands on my shoulders and basically yells in my face, “Where have you been?” I look past her to Von and see him rock-still in his stance. “I had a family emergency,” I say, lying. I hate lying to them, but sometimes it’s necessary. “You had no cell while in this emergency?” Von asks. Serena drops her hands from my shoulders and walks back to the bar. What can I say? I was hospitalized because I’m partially crazy. And I escaped captivity while being held at my ex’s house so here I am… Thinking that wouldn’t work at all, I have to go basic. I take a few steps in following her when I see her smack his shoulder basically telling him to go easy. Something is definitely going on there, I think. Has it always been, though? Was I just too blind to see it? Von relaxes his shoulders and his stance softens. “You back for your job?” he asks me. I look to the ground before I make my way back to face him. “Is it still available?” I ask with some semblance of hope. Serena looks up to him waiting for his reply, just as I am. He sighs loudly then nods his head.

I manage a smile and walk closer to them. “Thank you, Von.” He grunts rather loudly as he walks away then says, “You start tonight.” The words leave his mouth with a rough edge, and they surprise me making me jump. Turning, I smile at him and nod my head. Despite my life being utter shit at the moment and making me want to give up on everything, there’s something in the back of my mind that tells me to just keep going. Keep going and don’t stop. So that’s what I’ve been doing, trying not to give up. I think that may have been what my mother had done, given up. I speak with Serena for a while, she talks about her kids and how they’re going. Nodding my head at the appropriate times, I smile as well. Customers start filtering in and it becomes busier. Realizing my shift will start soon, I leave her to work and head back home to change and get ready. This place I call home now has a sense of homeliness to it. It makes me feel calm. Like I might actually want to stay here, instead of renting small places, never decorating, and knowing I will probably not stay for long. Walking into my own bedroom, which this house has, now feels odd. I never get attached to places or things, but I don’t want to run this time,

and this has made me want to actually invest in something that I feel good in. Hopefully, Derrick doesn’t know where I live now, and I can stay hidden from him. Though, if he comes back for me, I won’t be so shocked or defenseless anymore. I’ve signed up for some self-defense classes starting tomorrow, and plan to carry a knife with me everywhere I go from now on. Changing quickly, I pull out some of my old clothes from my bag and throw them on and run out the door. I need to be more efficient and show that I care. Earn my keep, so to speak. I like working there, despite the reasons I left, which had nothing to do with my job. It was one of the first places I felt comfortable in for quite some time. Sliding into my car, I drive to work, parking in my usual spot and turn off the motor. I take a few calming breaths before I get out of the car. This is a place that I’ve been coming to for years, yet the nerves never change as I walk past all the smokers and loud drinkers sitting outside. Making my way in, Serena spots me and smiles big. Her shift finishes when I start, so she can go home to be with her kids. Walking over to her, she passes me an apron and kisses my cheek before she walks out. She stops near Von, and I see them whisper something before she leaves. Von stays at his place at the door and doesn’t move for the rest of the night. My shift goes fast, as

it usually does. Tonight, we have a band on, and slow songs start as the night comes to an end. People slowly dribble out, leaving the few stragglers who are nursing their beers. I start helping the girls with wiping down and disinfecting the tables. When a hand lands on my back, making me jump and freak because I don’t have anything to protect myself, I spin around getting ready to scream for Von when my mouth dries up by who is in front of me. “Connick,” his name drips from my lips. I’m not sure what it is about him that makes me act the way I do, or even think the way I do around him. He’s so tragically beautiful, I’m afraid if he speaks that he will be able to bend me to his will. No. That’s not going to happen. I have to show restraint. Even against someone who looks like him, fucks like him. Gosh, just thinking about him makes my knees weak and my panties wet. I haven’t had sex for months. I need sex like I need to breathe. He’s dressed like sex, he smells like sex. I want to crawl up onto the table and let him have me any way he pleases. Even if I don’t understand who he is because he sure as shit knows who I am. Yet, somewhere inside me, I’m not scared of him. Somehow, I feel somewhat comfortable around him. My hands grip my apron in front of me, and I

look up to those dangerous eyes that hold so many sexual promises—violet with a hint of fuck me, is what they scream at me. “Milanka,” my name trickles from his lips, those sensual lips. I shake my head trying to expel all the sexual thoughts running through my brain right now—too risky, I can’t do it. He steps closer, invading my space. His smell is too much, so I sidestep so I’m not so close to him anymore. “What are you doing here?” I ask him, keeping my eyes pinned on him. Even when they know they shouldn’t be looking at him. Does he look this good because I haven’t been with anyone? That has to be it, right? I knew it wasn’t, though. Connick oozes sex and all things far too addictive. He licks his full lips and I instantly do the same, mimicking his movements. I want him so bad. “I came to see you.” I tuck my washcloth into the front of my apron and cross my arms over my chest to stop myself from fidgeting. “You need to leave. And please… don’t wait for me either,” I ask him. His mouth is in a thin line as he looks to me like he’s debating my statement over and over in his mind. It’s not a question, I don’t want him to follow me home or even know where I live.

“You don’t want to see me again?” he asks me. I look around, my eyes skirting everywhere but to look at him. How do you answer that when you’re in the position I’m in right now? He’s the most delicious thing I’ve ever set my eyes on and I wanted to jump his bones right where we stand. Still, I’m afraid that he’ll be my biggest mistake, and that’s saying something with my luck for men. “Please leave,” I beg of him. He gives me a slight nod, then turns, making the space between us larger and gifting me my thoughts back in one piece. Before he gets too far away, he stops and turns back to me, his black hat covering his eyes from a distance, his dark clothing hugging his toned body. Sex is what he is—the type that walks, breathes and fucks hard. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He doesn’t give me a chance to respond as he walks out the exit, leaving me in an almost empty bar with a few drunk guys who have passed out at their tables. I quickly make light work of the tables, cleaning them, then finishing up behind the bar giving the polished black marble another shine. Von’s waiting for me at the door ready to walk me to my car. His hands are crossed over his chest, and I know instantly he hasn’t forgiven me for

walking out on him and this place. I will have some deep groveling to do before that happens. He opens the front door and walks next to me to my car. I nod my head as he steps off to leave, when he stops and turns around to face me. “I’m glad you are back, Milanka. Just don’t do that again. It’s your last chance.” He walks away, not letting me say anything in reply. I’m determined not to do that to him again. I have to start earning peoples’ trust and making lasting friends. Because, what if I do go missing? No one would care. Then no one would look for me. And let’s face it, Derrick could keep me forever, and no one would even know it was happening. I would never allow that to happen again.

WAKING the next day after having the best night’s sleep, I start my day off with a rich delicious coffee and a bagel slathered in cream cheese. Pulling on my workout clothes, I booked my first self-defense class to start today. I need moves, serious moves to protect myself. Knowing some basics won’t get me far when Derrick can overpower me so damn easily. Arriving at the front of the gym, the doors are open and I walk straight in. A lady smiles at me

when I walk up to the front reception area, and I feel terrible that I never once cared enough about this. She looks like she could bench press me easily. She’s sweet and tells me the trainer has set up a private class for me and gives me instructions on where to go. I thought it may have been a group session—I didn’t realize it was a one-on-one. Walking through, I see men and woman all working out. Looking toward the back of the large open space littered with workout equipment, I see the back door she spoke about and pull it open when I get to it. Walking in, I set my bag down and sit on the mat while I wait. The door opens, the same one I just walked in through, and when I turn to see who it is I swear, loudly. “Oh… fuck me!” Leaves me my mouth at the sight of him. I shake my head. Honestly, what are the chances that he’s the person walking in right now? With another quick shake of my head, I stand up and grab my bag. “This is not fucking happening,” I moan to myself. “You’re leaving already? Without the lesson you paid for?” His sexy voice oozes over to me. Tragically beautiful. Every day, every time I see him, how is life that fair to him? Connick smirks and I drop my bag, I like it when he looks at me like that. “Are you everywhere I am? Or are you just

stalking me?” I ask, raising my eyebrow in question. “I own a lot of businesses in this area. Probably most of the ones you walk into actually.” His statement shocks me a little. “You’re rich, aren’t you? Not just one business rich, you come from money. I see a lot of people, every day people, wealthy people, but you’re different. It oozes from you.” The words came too fast, and I zip my mouth shut just as fast. He smirks at me and nods his head, and my hands instantly start moving and fidgeting. “That makes you uncomfortable, I see.” His eyes observe my reaction to him, they have a glint of humor to them. Every person who has money that I’ve encountered I’ve ended up not liking. They have used or abused me. People with money just don’t sit well with me at all. Maybe it’s a stigma, I’m not sure, but uncomfortable is how I feel around him now. “I should go,” I say reaching for my bag again. He steps forward and stops me. His hand reaching out and touching my arm which sends a shiver through me. “If you want to learn defense I am the best in the state, Milanka. I can teach you in one class how to defend yourself.” His words ring true and I believe him. I need to

do this, I need to learn how to protect myself. Dropping my bag from my hand, I stand back up and he removes his hand from my arm as I do. While looking up to him, I nod my head just the once. Trying to not let emotions get ahold of me is the best thing I can do because I need to learn this, even if it is from him. He steps out onto the mat and waves for me to follow. I do, and he starts explaining moves to me that seem pretty simplistic, then he asks me to practice them on him. His body comes close and soon our bodies are touching. I manage to get out of two holds he has on me after only a few tries under his instruction. And with all my might, I try not to concentrate on his body touching mine during the whole class. He teaches me how to eye gouge, knee kick, and some other more elementary self-defense moves. Walking back to my bag, I check the time. We’ve been doing this for over two hours. How does time go that fast? Shit! I signed up and paid for only a thirtyminute class. “I’ll pay for the extra time,” I say to him, while I sit on the ground stretching my legs. When he doesn’t answer me, I look up to see him watching me and my moves. “I’ll pay,” I repeat again a little louder this time. He snaps out of his gaze and looks to me.

“Don’t be stupid! No need to pay for something I would do for free. Go and get a refund on what you’ve paid already,” he says, nodding to the front of the store. I shake my head. That’s not happening. “I’m not asking for my money back. I paid for a service, Connick, and I got that service.” He ignores me and lifts his shirt up over his head and then uses that said shirt to wipe his face. If I weren't on the floor already, I would be, after one look at that body. Sex. Sex. Sex, chants in my head. Taking a deep breath and looking away from all that he has going on, I grab my bag and stand up, not looking at him and his gorgeous body as I walk out. Gazing up to the ceiling, I curse at the gods and want to strangle them. This could also be why I have no luck, I do have a potty mouth. He trails me out through the gym, and I feel the stares of a woman looking his way as he follows behind me. I bet everywhere he goes, especially without a shirt, everyone stares. Why must he be so damn good looking? Life isn’t fair, he has to have something bad about him. He has shown me a side I wasn’t sure about, and I have yet to still question him about it. A part of me is afraid to bring it up. What if he didn’t

know who she was? I’m thinking he does, though, the way he acted when he turned on that light. Walking out the door, I know he’s following me to my old beat-up car, and as I reach it his voice stops me. “Ask me, Milanka…” His tone is serious. When I turn to face him, his shirt is wiping his forehead and he’s watching me, standing so close that I have no room to breathe apart from breathing him in. “Why did you take me there?” I have to ask the question because I need to know the truth. He wipes at his forehead before he answers me. “You love sex just as much as me. I own that place, and I wanted you to experience it… enjoy it,” he says, taking a step closer to me. He’s now completely in my personal space, and I can’t seem to do anything but stare up at him. “You knew who she was… behind that last window, didn’t you?” He doesn’t blink as he stares at me and answers, “No, who was it? I did, however, notice your reaction to them.” I’m not sure whether to believe him or not. Should I start to? I need to start trusting more people, instead of closing myself off to the world. I want people to miss me if I go, and right now not a single soul would know I was missing if I was abducted again, and Derrick knows this and takes

advantage of it. “Okay.” I step away from him and open my car door avoiding his question, I don’t want to answer it. The car door creaks loudly when I pull it open. Throwing my bag in through the door, I stand with my hand on the ceiling while looking at him again. He’s still standing in the same spot watching me. “Will you go back with me?” That sex slash restaurant that I never want to step inside again. Shaking my head, I look to the ground before I look up to him and answer, “I’ll come to yours, instead.” He nods his head and smirks at me. “I’ll see you then, Milanka,” he says as he walks off, leaving me by my car, watching as he leaves. What did I just agree to? The possibility of being hurt worse than before, I’m guessing.

CHAPTER 12

at the store to purchase some wine. Today I ’m is my day off, and when I walked out to my car last night there was a note attached to the wiper blades from Connick, which contained nothing more than his phone number and his name. I text messaged the number and he called me back instead of messaging, his voice seductive and sweet. He didn’t ask me multiple questions, the call was simple and I liked that. He asked if he could pick me up, and I told him no. Instead, I am driving to his house, after I figure out what type of wine I’m meant to get. He didn’t ask for anything, but I can’t go empty-handed even if it is just for sex. Though, it seems to be for more. I’ve never ever seen a partner again after sex. Yet, I let him work his way into my life, and the main thing about that is that I let him easily.

I’m wearing a tight pink dress matched with black heels and my hair down as per his request, which I didn’t feel like arguing with. Grabbing a bottle of red wine, I turn and smack into someone. I start apologizing without knowing who it is, and the moment I look up and notice who it is, my voice stops, and my blood begins to boil. Fucking Nicole is standing there in front of me holding a bottle of milk to her chest. She looks up, and her face goes white, she didn’t expect me to be standing in front of her, and I sure as shit didn’t anticipate seeing her again. “So, there was a reason we had to move here…” She is the first to speak then she trails off, and what she did say shocks me. Did he follow me? How would he know? Looking around, I make sure he isn’t here. Turning back to Nicole with her true colors showing, I want to smack her across that perfect face of hers. I believed her last time, even went to dinner with her to forgive her so we could move on. What on earth was I thinking? Leopards can’t change their spots and neither can she. She’s an utter bitch. “You moved here?” I ask, disbelief evident in my tone. She rolls her eyes at me. “He’s only infatuated with you. He loves me.” She rolls her shoulders and

looks down at me. “I’m sure that’s what you tell yourself at night to help you sleep, Nicole,” I say. Moving to walk away from her, her hand comes out and touches my arm, she squeezes it tight making me whip around to face her again. Looking to her and then to her hand, I say in a calm voice, “Remove your hand, Nicole.” She looks at me with hard eyes but doesn’t drop her hand. “I sleep perfectly every night with Derrick by my side.” She leans in close to whisper, “He’s setting up another room for you.” A shiver breaks through over my skin, riddling me with goosebumps. I wish I’d never met either of them, but especially Derrick. Taking a shaky breath, I try to shake my arm free, and she smirks in triumph as she releases it from her grasp. Again, attempting to walk away, I stop just a few steps from her, turning around and I notice she’s still smirking. I take a step toward her, my hand scrunched into a ball while staring at her. I know what I’m about to do, and not hating myself for it one bit. It happens fast and she doesn’t expect it, my fist lands straight on her perfect little nose. She screams, and I leave the wine on the nearest shelf as I walk away, leaving her there screaming and blood dripping down her face. Adrenaline runs through me as I hurry into my

car and drive to the address Connick gave me. It takes a total of five minutes to get there, but I have no idea how I’ve even managed to do it, considering my mind is drifting through the last few minutes. I climb out of the car and walk straight to the door, still on a high. After ringing the doorbell, he opens it dressed only in swim trunks. The water drips down his chest, and I resist the urge to reach out and lick it off. Taking a step toward him, I throw my body at him. I can’t wait any longer, the high and the sex appeal is way too strong to resist him. He takes me as I knew he would, and lifts me up while shutting the door with his foot. Connick carries me through the house, which I don’t take in, as I’m too occupied with him. His hands squeeze my ass, and I push further onto him for more friction, I want him bad. Licking up his neck, I know I have to taste him. His moan lets me know he approves then he bites down on my neck. We drop, and the moment we do my dress is torn apart by his hands. When I look up, I see him pulling it the rest of the way so it’s split all the way down. The cold air hits my skin leaving me exposed in every way, having on no panties or bra. My breasts aren’t overly large, just a perfect handful, but he groans when he looks down at me and pulls his swim trunks off swiftly.

I’ve never felt the need to want someone as badly as I want him, and that’s saying something considering how much I love sex. It just doesn’t usually involve wanting to see that partner ever again. Yet, here I am for a third time now as he maneuvers me to his bed, with my dress torn and my legs spread open as he drops me down. He leans over and lowers his head, and in one quick movement, his tongue touches the most sensitive part of me. I would like to say my heart is the most sensitive, but that fucker has been locked tight all my life and no one has been able to take it from me. Even if I did let Derrick in all those years ago, I wasn’t ever truly all his. There was a boundary, and I was never ready to cross it and I’m so afraid I never will be. I start to play with my nipples pinching them hard, but my hands are pushed away as he reaches up and grasps my breasts. His tongue makes circles around my clit, and I moan in appreciation when he inserts a finger pulling his hand away from one of my breasts, fucking me with his hand as well as his tongue. I want to see his face and if it changes, so I arch my back and sit up on my elbows to watch him. I feel the need to know more of him. His face is determined and focused on pleasing me. Waves of pleasure hit me, and I drop back down crying out in pleasure. He removes his fingers and his body heat

disappears, and I feel the loss of him straight away. Closing then opening my eyes, I see him walk away leaving me lying on the bed still needy and wanting. Turning to observe him, I finally have a chance to look around his bedroom. His bed is low and almost touches the floor. Tones of gray cover the walls, furniture, and even the bedding I’m on. Turing to the other side, I gasp when I notice the wall. There’s a built-in cupboard against the wall, which is filled from top to bottom with books. A brown wooden ladder is also attached which slides from one side to the other. Behind me is a large bay window that looks out to a darkened backyard with a hot tub. Sitting up, I place my feet on the cold floor and note it’s marble. He mentioned he had money, but wow… this room alone is gorgeous. I start to think about when I arrived and remember walking to the door. It’s a large, twostory white house with cars parked out front. He walks back in now dressed the same with his cock hard and pressing against his trousers. Connick passes me something, holding it out in his hands. Taking my eyes off him, I look down to see a shirt in his hand, a plain black one. Taking it, I pull it on over my head and look back to him to see him still watching me. It’s hard for my eyes not to drop down below when his cock obviously stands so tall under his trousers.

“Dinner, Milanka?” Offering me his hand, I take it as he pulls me to a stand. My body bumps into his and when I look up his eyes are on my lips. Looking away, so he doesn’t think he can kiss me, he playfully tugs at my arm as he begins to walk out. My bare feet are cold on his marble floor as I follow him, and I can’t help but stare at his toned back. Shadows are cast across his corded muscles, and they ripple and torment me as he walks. So much so, I want to run my fingers all over them. I understand now why he’s so toned, because he owns his own gym. He stops at the kitchen, it’s so beautifully clean it’s unnatural, and I’m afraid to touch anything. Connick pulls out a chair for me to sit down on at the counter, then walks around to the stove. He starts stirring with his back to me. Looking down to my hands, I have to try to keep them still instead of moving, because now I’m in a position I’m not sure I want to be in. He didn’t have sex with me! Does that mean he doesn’t want to? It can’t, the way he took control of my body only minutes ago, is not that of a man who doesn’t want me. Plates start clattering and when I look back up, he’s standing in front of me with a dish full of pasta —spaghetti carbonara, my favorite dish. How would he know that?

Taking it, I manage a small thank you, and he walks around with his own dish to sit next to me. We eat in silence for a good ten minutes before he speaks, after wiping his mouth and placing his fork down. “What do you want, Milanka?” Such a simple question, yet so difficult to answer. Placing my own fork down, I shrug my shoulders, unsure of how to answer. “You know what you want. Why can’t you say it? Are you afraid to tell me what you desire?” He leans in looking at me then continues, “You should never be afraid to ask for what you want, ever.” “The only thing I wanted was to leave my home, which I did. So, I don’t need or want anything else,” I tell him. He picks up a glass of water and places it to his lips, I watch waiting for what he has to say next. “Do you want to own your own home? Do you want kids? Marriage? None of these things enter into your wants or needs?” he asks as he pulls his eyebrows in, displaying a confused look, but I can tell he’s very interested as he waits for my answer. “No, I don’t want for any of that. My life is fine! Why would I be greedy?” He smirks and looks away with those shiny eyes that hold me so tight. “I think you want me, you just don’t know how to have me.” My mouth drops open. That was a statement I

didn’t expect to leave his mouth. “Wanting your body compared to your company is two entirely different things, Connick,” I smart-mouth back to him. He turns his chair so he’s facing me full on now. Leaning forward with his lips inches from mine as he speaks, he keeps me locked in tight, so I don’t lean forward to touch them. The last lips I touched where Derrick’s and nothing good came from that. “You want my company, and you don’t understand why you do. I’m not one of your fuckboys, and you try to work out what’s happening between us and you’re having no luck. Even though a part of you trusts me, the other part screams at you to stay clear. Because Milanka…” his eyes hold mine, then he leans up so his mouth is on my ear, “… I’m a bad, bad man. And I will do bad, bad things to you.” His neck is right there, the smooth lines of his traps are strong and powerful. “Maybe I like bad,” I challenge him. He lifts his head and comes directly into my line of vision. “Okay Milanka, just so you know, I warned you. That’s all I can do.” He turns, stands, and picks up his plate then leans over me to grab mine. His lips touch my neck, and he kisses me before he walks them over to the sink. Staying where I am while watching him, I think about what he’s said, and how I’ve answered him. I do want his body, there’s no denying that. He makes my mind

go to goo and I can’t seem to think straight around him. But he also scares me and I don’t trust him either. Not fully. Enough to be in his house knowing he wouldn’t hurt me physically, but emotionally, well that’s off the charts. “What does that mean? You warned me?” He doesn’t answer straight away as he finishes up with the dishes. I watch him in fascination as he places the washcloth down and walks around to me. Connick offers me his open hand and I place mine in it. He takes me up the stairs and back to his room. “Don’t fall for me, Milanka, you’ll regret it if you do.” He drops my hand and reaches for the waistband of his swim trunks and pulls them down. Finally, he’s naked in front of me. I’m still wearing only his shirt, that smells too good to let go of. Though he smells even better, everything he’s just said leaves my mind as he walks to the bathroom adjoining his bedroom. The heat of the shower when he turns it on, fogs up his mirror as I make my way in there. He pulls me into the wide-open shower and slams my back against the glass wall. He lifts his shirt that I’m wearing and it bunches at my waist, his eyes watching me with my legs hanging around his waist and his hands on my arms pinned to my side. Then he slides into me, making me crazy delirious, and everything that was said only moments ago leaves

my head in a daze as he fucks me, and fucks me hard. Without a single taste of those plump lips, which stare at me waiting for me to finally crack.

CHAPTER 13

through a house that’s quiet as the W aking dead is somewhat scary. No sounds come in at all. The blinds are pulled closed so tightly that I don’t even know if it’s daytime anymore. Reaching for my dress on the floor, I remember it’s torn and is virtually useless. Feeling around on the floor, my hands touch the shirt I was wearing. The darkness of his room is frightening me and I need to get out of here. Pulling my head through his shirt, I make my way to the door, turning back to look at him before I pull. I think, This was a mistake. He looks peaceful, sexy, non-aggressive. Shaking my head, I quietly pull it open, and I’m instantly met with sunlight which tells me it’s daytime. Thank God. Shutting his door as gently as

possible so as to make no noise, I walk down his stairs finding my keys in my bag on the floor where I dropped it and walk out. Now that I’m actually looking, the front of his house is magnificent. A water feature is situated right in the middle of the driveway that wraps around it to do a full circle. Two old classic cars are also parked to the side, covered by the garage but open at the front, with his car that he picked me up in being right at the steps leading to the door. My car looks sad and shitty sitting out front, definitely like it doesn’t belong here. Maybe I don’t either, I just haven’t had that sink in yet. Getting in my car and starting it up, I look back to see the door open and him standing there completely naked, watching me. He doesn’t speak or ask me to come back, he just watches. We stare-off for a bit before I look away from all that is him, and drive off with him in my rearview mirror watching me. I don’t know how I got myself into this. Well, not exactly. I don’t even know what exactly it is about him that pulls me in and makes me lose my boundaries. I lost them before I even had sex with him, and that never happens. Even after sex, but here I am showing him where I live and even giving him my cell number. Making a note to myself—I must not show him where I live again. This is high up on my list of must-nots because I don’t want anyone to know. I

don’t want any vulnerabilities in my life. Remembering the way he claimed me last night is easy, my legs still hurt and his face is still glued to my mind. The picture is bright, and it’s constantly recycling in my mind while the sun is shining down on me right now through the window. He held me in the shower and pinched and slapped my skin, his mouth claimed parts of my body no other man has before, and I didn’t do a thing to stop him. I can feel his bite marks still etched into my skin, my neck, my breasts and even my ass when he turned me around and bit me. I was so tired afterward that he picked me up and placed me on the bed, then he crawled between my legs and made me come again. Then he fucked me while I laid on my back unable to move due to exhaustion. Even that didn’t stop me from coming yet again. No man has taken me for that long or even fucked me as well as he has. Pulling up to the front of my house, I check my cell that I left in my car—fully expecting him to call, but he hasn’t. The only message I have is from Von asking me to do the morning shift, which I won’t say no to, even though I know I could sleep for another full day. My body sure as shit needs to do a lot of recovering. My morning is uneventful, so I shower then make myself something to eat. After getting dressed, I go to leave my house and when I pull the door open, a bouquet of lilies is sitting at the front

door. My heart begins to beat fast, and my hands clench to my sides as I look around making sure no one is there. Because they weren’t there an hour ago when I walked in, so that means someone followed me or waited until I was inside. Slamming my door shut and locking it fast, I swing around and lay my back against it. While taking in a few deep breaths, I open my eyes and scan the room to locate my knife which is resting on the counter. Leaving the door, I take a few steps and grab it. Holding the knife, I swirl it around in my fingers before placing it in my bag so I can pull it out if need be. My hands are shaky when I reach for the door, the flowers are still sitting there. It’s funny how an inanimate object can feel like it’s mocking and teasing me, almost testing my limits. Derrick would buy lilies for me when he wanted something, or for me to do something he knew I wouldn’t like. Yet, I would do it because he would buy me things, give me food, let me sleep in his bed and it made me feel safe. Fuck me! What a lie that was. I would have been better off in my trailer with my mother and the men she brought home, at least then I knew what to expect. With Derrick, though, I never knew what to expect. Even when he said he loved me, something in me would tug, telling me that he was lying. I always smiled though, like I was happy to hear it, but inside I was running. Kicking the flowers all the way to the street, my

free hand shuts and locks my door while the other stays in my bag on my knife. Making a dash for my car, I get in and lock it, and I thank God for this beat-down car that will probably die soon. How did he find me so soon? Will anyone care about me when I’m gone? I need to make friends, I need friends to care for me. Maybe it was Nicole? I did punch her after all. Though that two-faced bitch deserved it and more. Pulling into a parking space at work, I spot Von standing out the front having a smoke, his head is down as he puts it to his lips. He never smokes while at work, he always waits until after close to have one. Climbing out of my car my hand touches the knife in my bag. Pulling it out, I slide it under my driver seat, closing the door and walking over to Von. I stop behind him and know what I need to say. I’m just scared to say the words out loud because then they will be real. “If I don’t come in again, or call… please look for me.” His head whips around as he looks at me through squinted eyes. “Are you in trouble, Milanka?” He stands towering over me, my hand starts to play with the strap on my bag. “No… yes… I don’t know. I just don’t have anyone that would look for me. I wanted to tell someone, so they know to look...” I trail off.

He nods his head. “It’s not hard to believe considering you ran out on us last time. That won’t happen again?” He tucks his hand into his front pockets, Von’s black slacks look good on him, matched with a black button-up shirt. “It won’t. I promise it won’t happen again.” “I’m glad, Milanka,” he dismisses me with a wave of his hand and sits back down reaching for his smoke packet again. Walking in, I spot Serena, I didn’t think she would be on considering I’m here. Usually, I start after she finishes lately or vice versa. Her head is down, and she seems lost in thought when I walk around to her. Tapping her on the shoulder, she looks up with a sad smile when she sees me, before it transforms into a fake smile. “What’s wrong?” She looks shocked when I ask, and tears fall from her eyes as she wipes at them. Serena walks away into the freezer out the back. I stand there unsure of what I should do. Do I follow her? I don’t know how to deal with emotion, they have been blocked off for years. Looking around, I notice it’s not busy, so I decide I have to start somewhere, and what better place to start than with someone I don’t think will harm me and who’s actually a good soul. Walking into the freezer, I see her with her hands covering her face as she wipes at her cheeks furiously. “Serena,” I startle her, and she jumps looking

around at me. “Are you okay?” She shakes her head then walks to me wrapping her hands around my shoulders. “He told me to go home for the day because he doesn’t want to deal with what’s going on.” Slightly confused as to what she’s talking about she continues, pulling back and wiping at her face. “Who does he think he is?” Throwing up her hands, her tears stop and she stops moving as she looks at my confused face. “Who?” I ask her. “Von.” “Von?” I ask back in disbelief. “I knew there was something going on…” I pause and scrunch my brows, “… I didn’t know what though,” I tell her truthfully. “Oh yes, something’s been going on alright… for years. He is the children’s father, after all.” My mouth drops open. “You didn’t know?” she asks me with some skepticism to her voice. “You really need to come out of that shell, Milanka,” she says shaking her head. She’s right, I do. “Did you need me to do anything?” “No,” she answers shaking her head and wiping her face while straightening out her shirt and standing tall. “I’ve dealt with him for years. Another day won’t hurt me.” I nod my head, unsure of what else I’m meant

to say, and walk back into the bar. Von is standing at the door looking at me. I smile and walk past him wanting to care and have feelings, but I don’t want to drag myself into business that's definitely not mine. The rest of the day is uneventful, and the tension every time he walks through the door is palpable. Was I just blind to it all before? I never really cared, to be honest. To be involved in anyone else’s life—no, I was never going to do that. Mine is enough as it is, even if it has been semi-placid for the last few years. I liked it that way, though. After my shift finally finishes, I walk out to my car. I’m more mindful of who’s around and where they are, and my heartbeat picks up when I see a familiar figure standing there leaning on my car. I notice he’s dressed in all black with his cap on his head. The wicked things he does to me scares me yet excites me with pleasure. He can make me sin with the best of them, I’m sure of it, and he would sin right back with me. “Connick,” his name drops from my lips, especially thinking about last night. “Milanka… I was slightly disappointed in your departure this morning.” He sounds so formal. “I needed to get to work,” I tell him, stepping closer. He stands tall off my car and towers over me. “Why must you lie to me?”

Shaking my head, I answer him, “How would you know if I’m lying?” He looks me over, up and down. “You blink a lot when you lie. Plus, your hands can’t seem to stay still.” “My hands are never still.” It’s true, and he’s also right as well. The more I’m nervous or lie, the more my hands move around. “I want to see you again, Milanka.” He boxes me in and traps me with his body. Usually, this would scare me, but having him so close and feeling every part of him excites me. Taking a deep breath, I push his chest, so he takes a single step back. Opening my car door, I turn to face him before I get in. “I’ll get back to you on that.” He smirks and shakes his head. I stare in my mirror watching him as I drive off. The things I want to do to him…

CHAPTER 14

arriving home, it’s a relief. Connick has been O nplaying on my mind like you play a piano, with passion and drive. My hand is safely by my knife in my bag, and when I reach the door, my heart stops again and my hand clutches around the handle of the knife. Another bunch of lilies sits there waiting for me. Is he playing mind games with me? Opening my front door, I pull the knife from my bag and walk in with it. Locking the door behind me, I check around my little house. Most of it is open so I can see immediately if someone’s in here. Moving to the bedroom, I look under my bed and in my closet. I don’t see anyone and wish I’d let Connick come back with me, even if it was just for a bit.

Pulling up my big-girl panties and shaking off the thoughts of both men, I undress quickly from my work clothes and dress into more comfortable ones. After going to the refrigerator, I realize I’m in need of milk. I suck at doing shopping and try to limit it to once a month, though in between, I always need milk and bread. Contemplating taking the knife with me or not is my main decision right now. I’m sure if the police pulled me over and noticed the knife it wouldn’t go over too easy. I need to buy something small and easy to conceal as well as carry, or just move to another country to get away from all things Derrick. Though, he’d probably find me there as well. So maybe I should stick this knife in through his stomach and puncture every internal organ he has. Placing the knife down and opening the front door, I check to make sure no one is there before I walk out. It’s getting darker, and I wish I didn’t need milk, or even got it before I went to work, but I’ve made a promise to myself years ago that I wouldn’t let him control my life anymore. Especially, with something as normal and so small as getting damn milk. He can’t have that control, I won’t allow it.

THE STORE WAS UNEVENTFUL, though the walk home is very interesting. Connick is at one of the stores I pass on my walk—probably another business he owns— and I spot him before he sees me, and take my time taking him in. The way he stands, he commands authority over those around him. The way they obey and nod their heads so as to not disappoint him or disagree with him. He looks around after he’s finishing speaking to a few of the men and looks straight at me. His baseball cap’s gone, and I can see his eyes more clearly as he stares. He says something I can’t hear and begins walking to me. Only seeing him a few hours ago hasn’t done him justice. He’s all man as he marches over to me, as if he’s about to pick me up and claim me. There’s power in his stride and determination written all over his face. My hand is gripping my milk, my other is ready to go up and stop him from coming at me full force. “You’re meant to be tired, Milanka.” I like, and also hate, that he has to use my name like that. Holding up my carton of milk, I smile at him. “I am.” His lip twitches. “Too tired to play, maybe?” “Play?” I ask, having no idea what he’s talking about. He leans so he can whisper, “Let me take you back. You won’t know anyone there, I promise.” His offer is appealing, spending the night with

him is high on my ‘what I want to do’ list. I’d most definitely feel safer with him, of that I’m sure. “Milanka, say yes.” I nod my head, and he grabs the milk from my hands and then takes my hand as he walks me to his car. Looking down the street, I see the streetlight outside my house and wonder if I should take the milk home first. He smacks my ass telling me to get in, and I do, forgetting all about the milk as he climbs into the car next to me. He drives like a racecar driver, and I cling to the door and my seat as he speeds off down the street. Soon we’re pulling up to a very familiar place. He stops the car and turns to me. “She isn’t here, I’ve made sure of it.” I nod my head and open my door. He’s already out and waiting for me when I make my way to him. Connick knocks on the door and it opens, the same door as last time, then the same red room comes into view. It’s not so much red, just a fluorescent red from the downlights which make it appear darker when you enter. After you walk past the dining tables, it goes very dark unless you’re turning on a switch to watch people. Small lights illuminate the floor like in a cinema to direct you where to go. His hand comes to my back as he starts guiding me, and we walk down the dark hall and stop at a door. He pushes it open, and a light comes on in the room. It’s very simple, a loveseat is

the only piece of furniture in the room. Looking up, though, that’s a very different story. He walks in after shutting the door and steps over to a wall that’s basically silver. Picking something up, he turns to face me and looks me over. “Undress, Milanka,” he commands while undoing his dress shirt which reveals the front of him. He looks deliriously good with his shirt unbuttoned and dressed the way he is. Pulling my shirt over my head then reaching for my pants, I look up, and he’s watching me. He’s very interested. But unlike last time I undressed for him, he isn’t watching my eyes, this time his eyes are solely on my body, and he approves very much of what I’m doing, I can see it in his eyes. Dropping my pants and panties, I step out of them and take a step forward as I undo my bra. He licks his lips, another sign that he approves. It is, after all, what men mostly do. It’s what made me know I could use them. They’re controlled by one thing, their cock. I wasn’t sure if he was interested in me, because of his mixed signals. Now, though, there’s no hiding it as he watches me. “Will someone be joining us?” I ask him. His eyes skim me then land on my face. His face hardens at my words and I know he didn’t like what I’ve said by the scrunch of his forehead and his nostrils flaring. “Do you want someone else to join in,

Milanka?” There he goes again with saying my name like that. Why can’t he just ask a question without adding my name? I shrug my shoulders at him because I’m unsure of what my answer should be. He walks toward me with the silver object in his hand while his face stays stern. He lifts his free hand and touches my chin as he speaks, “I won’t share you, Milanka. Don’t even think about sharing yourself with anyone but me. Do you understand?” Nodding my head, I agree to his terms. “Good… now let’s play.” I hear the excitement in his voice as he says it. Reaching my hand up, I go to touch him, but he captures my wrists and secures both in his hand. Then the coldness followed by a click is all I get before I look down and see my hands are now handcuffed together. Looking up at him, before I can freak out, I see his eyes on me waiting for my reaction. He expects me to freak out. I guess it is part of the reason he did it in the first place. Taking a breath, I calm my reaction and wait for his response. He nods his head and pushes me backward with his hands. My legs hit the loveseat, and I fall back onto it, basically a couch with no sides. He pushes my legs open, separating them, and walks next to me, grabbing hold of my cuffed arms, pulling them up high and over my head. Connick pushes a button on

the wall, and I look up as something starts sliding down from the ceiling. It’s a hook, just not as sharp as ones that would scare you. He lifts my arms up just a tiny bit and hooks the handcuffs up to the hook, leaving me on the sofa. Connick comes to stand behind me. Looking back at him, I notice him smirk. His large hand trails down my body and touches me all over, all the way down to my clit where he flicks, making my body move before he comes back up and turns my head to the side. Hearing a click, a light comes on but not in the room. It’s the glass window. I notice everyone out there, up to five people sit out there watching, some naked and touching each other as they stare at us. I don’t even hear Connick move as I watch everyone. Not sure how comfortable I feel with eyes on me. I turn back to Connick, who’s undressed and hovering over me at the end of the sofa. He has a cup in his hand. He looks down and then brings the cup over my exposed sex. Cold water hits my pussy, I shiver and go to clench my legs to close them. He stops me with his hands then bends down to breathe on my pussy, the warmth of his breath feels better. He licks, and the warmth is all too much and I want much more. I begin to moan then he does it again, cold

followed by his tongue. I can feel the water dripping down my legs and under my back. It’s cold, yet the moment he touches me, my body submits and all I can think about is wanting more of what he’s doing. My head turns to the side, and that’s when I remember we have an audience. People are watching us, some are even making out and touching others as they observe what he’s doing to me. My legs go to close and my hands try to come down, but they can’t move because they are handcuffed to the ceiling above. He repeats this action, and soon I’m coming. With the audience removed from my brain, nothing else matters but what’s happening to me and who’s doing it. My back tries to drop and my body is exhausted, though Connick isn’t finished with me yet. Because he holds my legs down and kisses my inner thighs as he works his way up my body. Connick doesn’t look to the window at all—it’s like they don’t exist to him. His eyes are only on me and no one else. I go to turn my head, but he grabs hold of my chin and swings it back with his cold hands to face him. His nose touches the tip of mine and his lips are only a whisper away. I’m waiting, holding my breath for what he has to say. I’m afraid he’s going to kiss me, being so close. “You think I care for you?” His breath touches my lips. My eyes open wide and his narrow. “I’m

here for your body, Milanka. It’s all become quite a disapproving addiction to me.” “Disapproving?” I manage to squeak a word out. “Don’t fall for me, Milanka. I’ll bring you nothing but pain.” His eyes drop to my lips and with a hard breath from both of us, his lips land on mine hard and fast. It’s quick, but the moment he pulls away, we both know the mistake he’s made. He uncuffs my hands and my body drops off the love-seat. Turning my head, I go to look out the window but the lights are off and no one is there— at least from what I can see. He notices me looking and whispers in my ear as he drops down to pick me up, “They left. No more sharing.” Managing to keep my eyes open, I look at him as he brings me to his chest. He’s fully clothed and not a bit exhausted at all. Whereas, I feel like I have run a marathon and can hardly stay awake. Closing my eyes, I drift in and out of sleep, and before I know it, I’m waking up in my bed, with Connick standing over me. I’m still too tired to speak, then I touch my lips. He kissed me. He also knows where I live, did I tell him again? How does he do that?

CHAPTER 15

T

he night comes back full force when I open my eyes the next morning. The sun is streaming in on my face and my body is sore, but I don’t quite understand why. Rolling over, a scream leaves my mouth. Connick is standing there watching me from the doorway. His facial expression doesn’t change, as he takes in the scream that’s ripped from my throat or even my terrified expression. He just stands there with his hip on the doorframe dressed like sex wearing a suit. Bastard. Fuck! Gripping my face, I contemplate pulling out my hair, something or anything to give me strength around this man. “I got you milk.” Looking up, I see he’s still watching me and I’m surprised by his words.

“Milk?” I question him, and he nods his head. “You left it in my car, Milanka… last night.” Oh yeah, that’s right. Last night. Before all the wild sex. “Thanks…” is all I can think of to say to him. What else am I meant to say? What the fuck are you doing in my house? is probably a good starting point. Laughing at myself and my stupidity, I pull the covers from my body and go to stand. I’m naked with marks on my breasts and a sore ass. Not to mention my vagina feels like it’s taken more than a beating. I remember feeling his mouth on and around my breasts, the pain with pleasure was incredible, and I would do it again right now if I had the energy. My hand rubs my arm unsure of why he’s still here, and now wanting to ask him as well—he did, after all, look after me and get me home safely. He takes a step toward me, and I go stock still unsure if I should move or not. When he steps right up into my face I see a different side of him, it all looks familiar, like I know him. The easygoing smirk he’s producing is having weird effects on me, and I can’t seem to work out why. Connick must pick up on my confused look and his smirk drops. His hand touches my arm, and he leans in with his minty breath as he whispers in my ear, “Milanka…” He backs away from me and

turns when he’s at the door. Hearing the door shut, I run out there to make sure he’s gone and lock it behind him. What is he doing to me?

CONNICK’S MESSAGED ME ONCE, just once in a whole week. I haven’t messaged at all, unsure of what to say or even how I feel about him. The experience I had with him at that club was unlike anything I’ve experienced before, and I’m not sure if I want to repeat that again. It was good, but was it worth losing my abilities to have him fuck me like that again? Possibly, my inner demon says. I’ve been speaking with Serena more lately, too. She rang earlier and asked what my plans were for the day. I lied and said I had a self-defense class to go to, and she wanted to come. So now I have to go to one and hope he isn’t there because I didn’t book a private one this time. Luckily for me there’s a group class on today. Pulling open my creaky car door, I stand and see Serena already waiting. She’s dressed much like me in shorts and a workout shirt. She starts waving and walking over to me. I quickly look around to make sure I don’t see his car anywhere. There’s no sign of it, so I take a deep breath and hope I don’t

have to deal with him today. “Who were you looking for?” Serena asks with her towel and water bottle in her hands. She looks around again and comes back to me for an answer. I shake my head. “No one.” She lets my lie go and we make our way inside. Serena starts talking about her kids, their names, how much of a terror they are, and how much like Von they are. I smile when appropriate and nod my head when not fully listening. Walking in, I look around, and I’m glad when I don’t see him. We head to the back of the gym where the class is being held, and I pretend to listen to everything she’s saying with interest. But it’s hard, I just don’t do kids—at all. And that’s all she seems to be wanting to talk about. The class is full when we enter, so we take a seat at the back. Girls are everywhere, some are even dressed in very skimpy workout clothes. Actually, Serena and I are the only ones dressed in more than a scrap of clothing. “Are we dressed wrong?” she leans in and whispers to me. I shrug my shoulders in response because maybe we are. “I don’t know. I hope not, though.” Waiting for a few minutes, a voice booms for us to stand and start stretching. Chills run over me because I know that voice, and I was hoping I wouldn’t have to see the owner for at least a little

while longer. Hopefully, he won’t notice me, considering I’m hiding at the back of the class. Girls are starting to stretch, and when they lean forward, I make sure I do the same so he won’t see me. Serena starts talking again, and I just make out what she’s saying. “Hey, that instructor… is the one that came in looking for you last time?” I “shh” her and keep my head down. “He’s spotted you, Milanka,” she finishes. When I look up, I see her eyes are to the side of the room following something, or possibly someone, as they come to the back. He asks everyone to change positions, and they all do like robots. “Damn girl.” Rolling my eyes, I stretch my arms out and turn to the side to see him watching me as he walks up to me. He isn’t going to talk to me with a room full of people, is he? His eyes watch me as he starts instructing the room on what to do. Connick slowly looks over the class, and his eyes keep coming back to me. To tease? I’m not sure. He walks behind me halfway through and stands directly behind me. I can feel him so close, and when he talks, I can feel his breath on me. He moves away after a few rounds of exercising and walks to the other side of the room

still flicking his eyes back to me occasionally. “He’s intense,” Serena says near the end of the class. He’s now at the front of the classroom, and I can just see his head as he looks back to me. We start packing up, and women hover around him at the front thanking him for the class. I just want to get out of here as soon as possible. “Should we thank him like all the other women?” I turn to tell her she can’t be serious, and I see the laughter hidden behind her eyes and her smile that’s about to break through. “He is quite popular after all.” I walk to the door hoping he won’t notice I’m leaving, then my name is echoed through the room and I run straight into the back of Serena as she stops. “Should we keep going?” she whispers like we’re planning a major escape. I want to laugh at her seriousness, but I decide to nod my head and she takes a step forward when my name is called yet again. “Fuck!” I swear. Serena turns to look at me and her eyes go wide. “Everyone is looking this way.” I shake my head and turn to his voice. Connick still has ladies surrounding him, and those ladies are looking me up and down like I don’t belong.

“A minute of your time, Milanka.” Argh, there he goes, using my name like that again. I sometimes wish I’d given him my fake name, Sara, that way his words when he says my name wouldn’t have the same effect on me as they do right now. “Should I… um… stay?” Serena asks, looking behind to Connick. “No, it’s fine. I’ll see you tonight at work?” I ask her with a measured grin. With a smile, Serena nods her head and looks back to him one more time. “I really hope he fucks you into tomorrow.” My mouth falls open, and my eyebrows raise while she just smiles at me. “What? I see the way he’s looking at you. Even with a room full of women, he wants only you, and I know how much you love sex.” That last part shocks me. How does she know how much I like sex? She answers my unasked question. “I’ve seen the men come in and ask for your fake name, Milanka. But who cares?” She shrugs her shoulders and leans in to hug me before she leaves me standing at the door, waiting for him like I’m his girlfriend. That won’t happen. Turning around and stepping out of the doorway, I turn to see other women placing their hands on his shoulder or his bicep. He talks to them

and answers when appropriate, but keeps looking up to make sure I’m still there. Soon, I’m getting sick of waiting and watching other women move their hips or bat their eyelashes at him, and when he looks back up to me, I tap my wrist to indicate this is taking way too long. He nods his head and says something to the ladies who all moan in disappointment. He is nice to them. Hold on, why isn’t he nice to me? He’s a bit of a prick to me. Yet, here I am like an idiot standing around waiting for him. Grabbing my bag from the ground that holds my towel and drink bottle, I pick it up to turn and walk away knowing if he says my name again I’ll be lost, and I will succumb to his delectable voice that demands my name. Just as I walk out, a hand wraps around my waist and pulls me back. I know it’s him straight away because his smell surrounds me. Looking to the side, I hear footsteps and see women passing us, straining to see me. I drop my head, not wanting their attention, and try to wriggle free of his grasp. “Stay still, Milanka. You don’t need to be wiggling that ass where it is right now…” he pauses, and his spearmint breath tickles my ear, “… unless you want another round, and not being able to walk afterward.” I shake my head and do my best to stay still. He

lets me go when a beautiful blonde walks up to us. She’s standing next to him now, and I feel her eyes lock on me and look me over. “Are we on for tomorrow, Connick?” None of the other women used his name the way she just did, like she knows him and knows him well. Her eyes skim me quickly before they go back to him. “Yes, two o’clock.” His voice is void of any emotion as he answers her. It’s completely different to when he speaks to me, where his voice is always mixed with anguish or frustration. “No strays,” she says, looking at me as she walks out. My eyes follow her with my mouth hanging open. “Did she just call me a stray?” I turn to face him and see a smirk on his lips. It suits him when he decides to smile or half-smile because he hardly ever does. “Does it bother you?” I cross my arms over my chest, stepping away from him. “This stray may as well just leave,” I huff out, picking up my bag. I go to walk away when he cups me around my waist again pulling me back to him. “Should I bring my stray tomorrow?” he purrs in my ear. My body relaxes in his arm as he whispers in my ear, “Maybe fuck her in the car once I’m done?” Turning in his arms to face him, I

take in his face, his perfectly chiseled sexy face, his big lips that are just too good to be true, and the way he licks those lips makes my legs squeeze together knowing what that tongue can do. “I can’t.” “You can. You work tonight, not tomorrow.” Raising my eyebrows at him in question, he answers, “Your timetable is on your fridge, Milanka.” “I don’t do well when there’s a lot of people. I’m better in one-on-one situations.” His smirk grows higher. “Just think of how good you can be for me in a crowd like that. Think of how good I’ll treat your pussy after.” I nod my head not even realizing I’m doing it. “A gown will be delivered to your door tonight after you finish work. Wear it, and be ready by one.” He pulls away and walks back into the room where we had our training, not even glancing back at me. I could say my work schedule was changed, but the thought of him between my legs again is just too good to pass up. On the list for tomorrow—fucking Connick. Sounds like a plan, even if I have to dress in shit I don’t normally wear to do it. Ah, the things I do for good sex.

CHAPTER 16

was completely uneventful last night, W ork apart from the questions Serena was shooting at me about Connick. I didn’t give her too much information about him because I still don’t even know much myself. Just that he’s rich and owns multiple businesses. Her eyebrows perked up at that tidbit of information, and she wanted to know more. I pretended I was busy, so I didn’t look like a hooker just to be with him for his money. I don’t even know his last name, and his money I couldn’t care less for. The dress was delivered last night as promised but I didn’t open it. A man was standing at my door dressed in a suit and didn’t look at all pleased to be there waiting, holding a gown in a bag. He smiled asking me my first name, then passed it to me and left—fast.

I haven’t opened it yet. I just look at it, wondering what’s in there and how much it would have cost. The bag it’s in looks expensive, so I can’t even imagine what the dress cost. Sitting down on my couch, I stare at it as it hangs from the bedroom doorframe. Looking at the time, I know I need to start getting dressed. My hair and makeup are already done, and I need to be on time because I have a feeling Connick is not someone who likes to be late. My hair is hanging low down my back with a slight wave and my makeup is barely there which is just how I like it. Pulling the zip down on the bag I begin to see the color of the dress—it’s gold and dazzling. Pulling it from the hanger, I see it’s a turtleneck dress with no sleeves and a split right up the leg. To be honest, it’s stunningly gorgeous and I’m afraid to put it on. Standing in only a G-string, a knock comes on the door. I know it’s him, I know he wouldn’t be late or forget, though I was hoping for the latter. Opening the door slightly, not all the way, I poke my head around to see him dressed in a black suit. The moment takes me by such a surprise that I let the door go, and it opens showing him that I’m not dressed. I suck at being on time as he asked. He looks me over in approval then looks behind me to the dress that’s still hanging. “Do you need

me to dress you, Milanka?” Shaking my head, I go to shut the door to get dressed. His foot stops me from closing it, he pushes it open with his hand and steps in, closing it behind him. Picking the dress up, I try to work out how to put it on. It won’t slide over my hips because the neck part is too small. Hands surround me and take the dress from me, his breath heavy on my neck. He finds an invisible zipper and turns me around, staring at me as he drops down, bending at the knees and lifts one of my legs to step inside of it. He does the same with the other, only this time, he licks my inner thigh before he stands to slide the dress up with him. My hands slide in, and he walks behind me to zipper it up. Chills run over my body with how intimate this feels. It’s like a slow sex crawl, and I don’t crawl for sex, I run to it and take it full force. I bend down and slip my high heels on. He’s watching my every move as I stand and reach for my purse. Connick offers me his arm when he sees I’m finally ready, and I slip my hand into his. “Ravishing,” he says, pulling open the door and walking out of my house to where a car that isn't his usual one is waiting for us. A man steps out and opens the door. Walking up to the rear car door to get in and notice the man isn’t dressed like how most drivers are dressed. He’s wearing jeans and is covered in tattoos, and even has a gun strapped to

his side. Trying not to look for too long, I climb into the car and wait for Connick. He speaks quietly to the driver before he gets in himself and closes the door. The driver starts the car and pulls away from my house as he drives off down the road. Connick’s hand slips onto my thigh as he pushes my dress back. He isn’t staring at me, his eyes are glued to the cell in his hands which is very unlike him. Every time I’ve been with him I’ve not once seen his cell. Turning to the side, I look out the window as we drive. I hear the click of his cell when he locks his iPhone, and then his hand squeezes my thigh. We haven’t spoken much, we never do. It seems to be our relationship. If it even is a relationship. I don’t even know what to call us. What do you call someone that you let back in your life again and again, knowing that they might hurt you? It’s especially weird for me considering I let no one in. Even then, do I really let him in? Or is it just in my bedroom? The car comes to a stop, and his hand lifts from my thigh. Turning away from my window, I look as the driver gets out of the car. Connick’s always watching me, I don’t know what he’s waiting for? Is it for me to run? I’ve only done that once, and if he gives me no reason to do it again, I don’t see why I would.

Derrick can be handled. I just have to stay off his radar, and having a man like Connick next of me is sure to put him off. “Stay by my side,” he says. Nodding my head, I agree with his words. He’s about to get out the car when he stops and turns toward me. At first, I think he’s going to kiss my lips which is not something I would agree to, it’s something I’m still not comfortable with. He leans in and I freeze, and just before I think his lips are about to touch mine they divert, and he kisses my shoulder. It’s just a simple kiss, yet one that sends shivers right down my spine. He climbs out of the car offering me his hand. Taking it, I place my hand in his and look up to him. That’s when I realize how large of a man he is. Compared to my hand, his hand swallows mine. The driver stands back as we make our way into a room that’s too classy for me to be in. His hand lands on my lower back as he pushes the doors open. Turning my head, I notice the driver following us and watching us closely. It’s like he’s a bodyguard. But what would he need a bodyguard for? Connick is larger-than-life, most people would step out of his way, not into it. People start to greet him and a lady comes over with a tray of drinks. He shakes his head to her and asks for water. She listens closely.

Why does everyone listen to him? Then again, I tend to as well. Men shake his hand. Women gush and blush at him. The women don’t even pay me any notice. The men, on the other hand, look me up and down with surprise on their faces. His hand stays on me the entire time, only offering his free hand to those that speak to him. A lady dressed in a black suit walks up. She offers me a small smile before she leans in to whisper in his ear. His hand drops from my back and he touches her shoulder as they speak in a hushed tone. She turns, nodding her head toward the back doors. He turns and looks at me but doesn’t say a word before he walks off, leaving me standing there with the woman I don’t know. “He won’t be long.” Her words seem nice with no malice in her voice whatsoever. “Why don’t I take you to your table? I’m sure standing around with a bunch of rich, snobby men and women isn’t your calling.” She laughs at herself and starts walking for me to follow. She stops at a round table at the front, and pulls the chair out for me to sit down. “How well do you know Connick?” I ask her. She pulls the free chair out next to me, the one with the name card of the man I came with. “I manage his affairs, so I guess you could say I know him the best.”

My hands join together in my lap, and I try to keep them still, but her words make me uncomfortable, but my hands fidget while l try to not look up at her. “You’re new, though. He never brings women to me, or to any events actually.” Looking up, I can tell she’s attempting to work me out as I have been trying to work her out. I never asked questions about tonight, I figured it was a work thing. But I’m unsure because this is a charity event, and even though I know there’s good in him, I didn’t think he would be the type of man to come to something that would be honoring the charity as well as him. She looks deep in thought, and as I think she’s about to ask me something a hand comes down on her shoulder. She stands knowing who that hand belongs to. Connick nods his head to her, and she offers me a small smile before she walks away. He takes his seat, and his hand covers my twitching hands, making me stop moving. In a matter of minutes the room goes dark, and a light comes on and shines brightly down onto the stage. I don’t listen to their words. My eyes go downcast for most of the speeches, and his hands don’t move from mine until it’s over, actually stopping me from twitching my fingers. “Do you work here?” I ask him when I hear his name being mentioned.

“I own it,” he says, staring up at the stage. “Why am I here?” I ask him. He doesn’t look in my direction as he answers, “Because I need you here,” is all he replies, and when he says those words, a flutter starts in my heart. Because could a man like Connick really need me? Looking around, I take more notice and see signs. This place is a hotel, a vast, popular hotel, one of a chain that’s situated all around the world. Turning and looking at him, I wonder if this is his normal. His perfect cheekbones and his flawless lips in a straight line don’t move an inch, not even blinking at the man speaking on stage. Everyone in the room starts to clap and stand, he pulls me up with him then starts walking out the way we came in. Connick’s car is waiting, and he pulls open the door and waits for me to climb in. As soon as I sit down in the car, he locks the doors, puts up the divider, and pulls his cock free. His eyes turn to me full of lust and want. “Milanka, this is your only turn to steer the ship. Do it now before I change my mind.” His eyes are serious and I know he means business, his hands are clenched at his sides. His teeth are glued together, and I wonder how hard this is for him. He’s always had the power, now he’s giving it to me, without a fight. He stays still as I slide my G-string down my

legs, leaving my heels on and pulling up my dress. Then I turn in the seat and straddle him. There’s no need to work me up, I’m always ready for him. Just the look of him alone has me wet with need. I position him, wrapping my hand around his cock. Connick’s head drops backward, and his hands stay exactly where they are, clenched to his side. Lowering myself onto him, it feels like heaven and hell—the heaven of the ecstasy, the hell of my demons. I start to move, and soon the hell takes over and I’m not the quiet, shy girl anymore. My nails dig into my own thighs, my head drops back, and my hips start moving faster and faster. His cock is the perfect size and it hits all those magical places. My noises start to become louder, my place in hell waiting to take me as I ride him, in full control. Somewhere, somehow, I hear my name. Lifting my nails from my own skin and stopping my head from hanging backward, I see the lust written all over his face. And for the first time in a long time, I let my hands go around his neck. He doesn’t complain when my nails dig in. Connick doesn’t even look shocked as I draw blood. He just closes his eyes and takes what I usually do to myself. The orgasm comes hard and fast as it ripples through me, making me scream in this small space. My head drops to my shoulder, and I try to catch my breath before I lift myself up and take my seat.

He tucks himself back in and leans forward, tapping his knuckles on the window before he sits back and grabs my G-string, placing it into his pocket. The car starts up and soon we’re driving. I expected some words from him, but again I get nothing, not even why I had to come with him tonight to the event. Was it just the sex? I can’t blame him if it was, I use him in the exact same way. My house comes into view and the car pulls to a stop. He opens his door, climbs out, and offers me his hand which I take, climbing out as well. We stand on the side of the street with my house behind me, but he doesn’t seem interested in coming in, and I don’t want to ask either. “Thank you, Milanka.” He leans in again and kisses my shoulder. I’m glad he does this and not my lips. He turns and climbs back into his car. I walk to my house and open the door, then shut it, and don’t look back. That’s when I hear the sounds of his car leave. That’s when I collapse onto the door, dropping down and wondering what’s happening. Am I falling for a man who’s colder than I am?

CHAPTER 17

T

he days roll on fast. I’m at work busying myself, and I realize I haven’t heard from Connick after our night out. Not even a text message. Finishing up my shift at work, I start driving home, and just before I get there, I pull the car around and go to his house. I didn’t pay too much attention last time, but this time I’m taking in everything around me. Coming up to his large house, I notice more cars than usual, which is weird. I know he owns a few of them, but right now there’s a lot more. Stopping my car, I look up to the door, contemplating if this is the right thing to do. Should I see him? Do I even know what we are? Let’s face it, I don’t really even know him? Closing my eyes, I realize I shouldn’t be that

girl, the girl that stops by unannounced. I’ve never been that girl, and whatever he’s doing is none of my concern. We haven’t labeled ourselves, and nobody else has assigned us one either. Starting the car, I decide it's best I leave. As my car starts, I hear a tap on my window, and I jump with a small scream leaving my mouth. When I turn my head, I notice it’s the same lady from the night at the gala Connick took me to. She’s smiling bright and waving at me, her lips move but I can’t hear her over my car’s engine noise and through the window. Turning the ignition off, I wind the window down hoping it won’t break on me like everything else has on this broken-down wreck of a car. “Well, hello again, stranger.” She seems so nice, so unlike Connick, and I wonder how close they really are. “Connick asks that I bring you in.” She looks at my clothes through the car’s window and smirks. “I must warn you the men in that room are savage, though.” Nodding my head, she steps away and pulls the door open. Stepping out, I realize why she was looking me over, I’m still in my work clothes, and my hair is tied up in a bun with no makeup at all on my face. “Am I dressed okay?” Her smile is warm when she links her hand through mine. “Of course you are, darling.” She

starts to walk, pulling me along with her, and when we reach the doors they’re automatically opened and we step inside. There are men everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Is she the only woman here? Is that why she’s happy to see me? “He knows I’m here?” I ask, shocked. She nods her head and keeps on walking with me in tow. Men stand around drinking, some playing card games at tables. His house feels so much larger now that I’m standing in a room full of people, yet at the same time I feel like I’m about to be suffocated. “There he is…” Looking up, I see Connick straight away. He’s wearing black slacks with a clean, crisp white button-up shirt that’s undone at the top. In his hand he holds a glass of alcohol, and he’s speaking to the man in front of him. He looks my way and places the glass to his lips finishing the contents, then he places it on a table nearby. Connick nods his head to the man but keeps his eyes on me. Once I get closer to him, his hand lands on my ass and he pulls me into him. Someone whistles, making me tense up that there’s an audience, but his words reassure me. “Relax, Milanka.” I do as he asks, my body instantly relaxing into his as he holds me to him. I stay glued to his side, as

he turns slightly to finish speaking to the man in front of him. I hear a goodbye, and when I look around it’s now just us two together. I wonder when I started being comfortable with him touching me. It’s not something that comes easily to me. I don’t like to be touched at all, but here I am, stuck to him with his large hands on my body like he owns me, much the same way Derrick once held me. Thinking of Derrick makes me pull away and stand next to Connick trying to not touch him. He notices straight away and his eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. I am confusing, I guess. My mind doesn’t know what it wants, but it always seems to come back to Connick lately, even when I don’t realize it does. What’s he doing to me? “I drove here by accident,” I tell him. His eyebrows straighten out, and he hands me a glass of water from a passing waiter. “You didn’t, Milanka.” I so should have told him my name was Sara. I make a mental note—I need to keep that lie in the future. Because the way he says my name does things to me that I’m not sure I’m comfortable with yet. “Perhaps you’d be more comfortable changing?” He inclines his head eyeing me. “Though, I would suggest that would be a waste of time considering your clothes will end up on my

floor soon.” “I didn’t plan on staying.” I grip the glass of water in my hand so I don’t move, to hide what I’m feeling, but he always seems to know anyway. “Good, sex and bed sound like my plan anyway. Lucky you sleep naked.” He nods his head behind me, and the lady walks over. I should learn her name, I think. Just as she reaches us, I hold out my hand for her to shake. “I’m Milanka,” I say, offering her my name. She smiles, and her eyes shine. “I know your name, Milanka.” “Yes, but I don’t know yours.” She drops my hand from hers. “It’s Cherry.” “Nice to meet you officially, Cherry.” Cherry nods her head for us to start walking. Connick looks at me with a blank face, not saying a word. His eyes stay on the both of us as we make our way up the stairs. “He’s so intense,” I comment once he’s finally out of view. Cherry laughs at me while opening a door I haven’t been in before. In the middle of the room there’s a bed and that’s it, the room is devoid of any other furniture. She walks to a closet door, pulls it open and showcases gowns. There’s so many of them. “He is… especially with you,” she says, turning and smiling at me.

“He seems like that with everyone.” She shakes her head at me. “He isn’t, trust me. I went to school with him, I know him well. And he’s never like that with anyone. He is cold, I won’t deny it, especially if he doesn’t know you. Even if he does know you, you’d be lucky to get a smile.” She pulls a dress out and smiles when she hands it to me. “He loves black… and with your hair, it will look gorgeous.” Taking the dress from her hands, I walk into the bathroom and slip it on. It’s easy and no zippers required, thank goodness. When I walk back out, she’s sitting on the bed tapping away on her phone with one hand and dangling a pair of shoes from her fingers on the other. “You basically run his life?” I ask curiously, as I try to figure out exactly what she does. Taking the shoes and sitting next to her to put them on, she places her phone on her lap and looks at me. “I do everything, even his groceries. Knowing all his secrets isn’t a plus, though, Milanka. I don’t want to know half of them.” I nod my head and lace the shoes up my calves. She stands, and I wonder what his secrets are? Do they even matter? We all have secrets, right? Walking out of the room and down the stairs, he’s waiting for me when I reach the ground floor. Connick looks me over and reaches for my hair, his strong arm brushes past my face before he touches

my hair, and the smell of him invades my senses. Just before I get to breathe him in, he pulls my hairtie free from my hair making it all drop around my shoulders. Looking to Connick, I can tell it pleases him to see me like that. “Better?” I ask him with a smile. He doesn’t answer, just looks around the crowd then looks back to me and leans in, kissing my collarbone as he does, before he whispers in my ear, “I have to work… mingle, Milanka.” He pulls away and walks to the next room leaving me standing there, alone. I walk around a little and remember seeing a table full of tapas and decide I should eat. Walking past other men feels awkward, as they stare, looking at me in one way or another. Reaching the table, I grab a piece of fruit and place it in my mouth, then I almost choke when a name is called from directly behind me. “Sara.” Spinning on my toes, he’s standing there, the man from my one-night stand, and the same one who found out where I work. I swallow the piece of fruit and look with wide eyes at him. “It’s not your real name, is it?” he asks, tucking his hands into his pockets. He looks exactly the same with his short red hair. “No, it’s not.” Looking past him, I see Connick watching us as he stands with a group of men. Does he know who this man is? He can’t, that

was a night I never shared with him or anyone. “I get it. One night! Maybe another… in the future, though?” Looking back to him, I shake my head. That will never happen. “I’m with Connick.” He laughs at my words. “No one is with Connick, Sara,” he says my fake name like what I said was some sort of joke. “Okay, please excuse me.” His hand touches mine as I go to walk past him. Looking down, I pull it free, and he places his up in surrender. “If what you say is true, Sara, I would get away now. Free advice for great sex.” He steps away, and I see why straight away when a hand lands on my ass from behind. I know whose hand that is by the size and the way he touches me. “Rob, I hope you weren’t touching what’s mine?” Rob, so that’s his name. He looks at me, knowing I was telling him the truth, then he shakes his head with a smirk. “Was just introducing myself, boss.” He tips his head and walks off, looking back at me one last time with a serious stare that Connick doesn’t notice because he’s now in front of me, staring me down. “You know that man?” I ask in confusion.

“I know a lot of men, even more women to be exact.” Nodding my head and letting it all sink in, I let him guide me past the people who are being ushered out the door by Cherry, and up the stairs to his room, not speaking because I have no idea of what to say. All I can think about is all the coincidences that have happened since the moment I met him and tying them all to one person, the man that now has his hands on my body slipping my dress free. Wanting to say something slips from my mind the moment his lips touch my breast, biting my nipple, and placing his fingers between my legs. He plays with me like I’m his own personal puppet, and I hang on every touch and pull he gives me. Before I know it I’m on the bed, and my legs are over his head. His eyes turn a dark gray as he pushes inside of me, taking hold of my ankles with a tight grip. My hair is sprawled out around my head, and my hands are pinching my breasts as he fucks me. He watches everything I do, pleasing him even more. Our eyes stay locked on each other, even when we come, even when I know now things have changed, if not for the good. He carries me to the shower, his lips touching my neck as he does. Then he places me down and up against the wall, and while turning the shower on, he fucks me again. I think he does it, so I don’t leave, so I am incapable of leaving him straight away.

He likes to be the one to leave, he likes to hold the power that is between us.

CHAPTER 18

when it’s dark, the smell of Connick W aking is all around me when I open my eyes. I can hear his light breathing next to me. Slowly and quietly, I manage to sit up, placing my legs off the bed and onto the floor. Waiting a few more seconds while listening, to make sure his breathing hasn’t changed, I stand and walk to his door naked knowing my clothes are in the bedroom next door. As I turn the handle, a phone lights up on the floor where our clothes dropped. I know it’s a massive invasion of privacy, but a part of me is screaming to check it, to see what he’s hiding. That part that wants to know the most wins out, and I drop to the floor and reach for his phone, picking it up. I walk back to the door and walking out. Some light filters through as I walk to the spare room to grab my clothes, but before I reach it I open his phone to a

message that makes me drop it.

Job is done… BELOW THAT IS a photo of a very dead Rob. Running further into the room, I grab my clothes and slip them on as fast as possible. I check my pockets for my keys but they aren’t there. I start to look around, pulling the bed across to see if anything is under there. Feeling frustrated and slightly terrified, I don’t even notice when someone turns on the light. Then I hear a jingle. Turning my head while being down on all fours, I notice a very naked and very sexy Connick with a set of keys dangling from his fingers. His body is toned in every aspect, his hips have that V that I always want to lick, and his biceps are triple the size my arms. And now he’s looking at me like I’m about to escape his dungeon. I was, I so fucking was. “These, Milanka?” “You had him killed?” It spurts from my mouth, and I instantly cover it. He looks around the room and sees his cell on the floor. “You were snooping, Milanka?” Shaking my head, even though I’m lying, I

continue to stare at him with wide eyes. “He wanted to hurt you, Milanka. No one is allowed to do that, but me.” “You want to… hurt me?” He steps in then offers me his hand to stand. I look at it like it’s poison, and wonder how I got back into a situation that’s now so similar to my last. Why do they feel the need to hurt me? Even though he hasn’t, he sounds like he wants to, and I’m hoping right now he doesn’t. Placing my hand in his, he pulls me up and into his naked body. I jump back fast putting distance between us straight away. “I haven’t decided yet, Milanka. Don’t make up my mind for me by touching and searching things that aren’t there for you.” I take his words seriously, why wouldn’t I? There is, after all, a picture of a dead man on his phone. “I need to go,” I tell him, looking down at the keys in his hand. “No. Tonight you don’t get to run. Get those clothes off and get back into my bed.” Those words feel like pressure, like manipulation. Then he speaks, “Stop running, Milanka. It gives your enemies power over you. You don’t want me to have the power, do you? I won’t hurt

you… tonight.” A chill runs down my spine, and despite what he’s just said, I don’t think he will hurt me. He walks away with my keys firmly grasped in his hand, and I know I have to follow him back to his bedroom and somehow fall asleep next to him. My hands start shaking, and I look around wondering if I can just jump from the window in here and maybe make a run for it. When I look down, I see it’s too high, and no way am I jumping and possibly breaking my leg. Clamping my hands together, I walk back to the room with him. It’s still dark, but I know he can see me. “Undress, Milanka.” Shutting the door behind me, I do what he says. Then once I’m naked again, I walk to the side of the bed I crawled out of, lift the sheet and slide back in. He doesn’t touch me at first, lets me lay there and think about why I’m still here. Then he moves, his hand touching my hip and pulling me to him. His head is in between my neck and shoulders, and he’s falling asleep. While I lay here tense, wondering if he’s going to kill me as well.

WAKING, the night before rushes back to me and I sit up quickly. The sheet falls away from me and I jump up and get dressed. He isn’t in the room, so I

look around to make sure my keys aren’t in here, and when I can’t find them, I make my way down the stairs to where I know he’ll be. I spot him straight away, pouring coffee. He’s dressed in nothing but a pair of slacks that hang from his hips, showing the top of his ass. He turns to look at me, then slides a cup of coffee my way. “You can’t run, Milanka. Tell me you won’t run, and I’ll give your keys back.” Looking down at the coffee and then back to him. “Why me?” I ask him the same thing that was running through my head all night. “Why not you?” he asks in return. “I’m no one. I’m sure you could have any woman who would do as you asked and not care about what you do. So, why me?” He sips his coffee, then places it back on the counter, leaning back on it, crossing his arms as he looks at me. “Don’t give me that girl, Milanka. We both know you’re not that girl. The ‘why me’ girl.” He knows me well, that scares me even more. “Did you know me before the coffee shop?” I ask, crossing my arms, mimicking the way he’s standing. “Yes.” I had thought about it. I thought maybe it was all in my head, it’s obviously not. “How long have you been watching me?” He shakes his head. “Milanka, when we get

serious, those questions will be answered. Right now, they can wait.” I huff at him. Seriously! Where does he think this is going to go? Nowhere, that’s where. “You think we aren’t going any further, Milanka?” My hands lift and I scrunch at my hair. “Stop saying my name after every sentence you use.” He smirks as he watches me. “And no. Where the fuck is there to go? Down the fucking road to hell? What do you think I am? Your soul to take? Possibly a hellhound?” My voice is raised, and I’m angry. “You read too many paranormal books, Milanka. Stop thinking of me as Satan.” “You aren’t? Could have fooled me.” My laugh is fake but it rises loudly. “Tonight, Milanka… because I know you don’t work today… we will have a normal dinner and pretend to have a normal night. After that, I’ll answer a few… yes, only a few, of your questions. So, pick wisely, because I won’t answer anymore.” I hold my hand out to him and he places my keys in my palm, after he picks them up from the counter behind him. “Tonight, Milanka. Don’t run! I will find you, and I’ll keep you… forever.” Nodding my head, I take the keys and don’t look back as I march out the door.

Fuck this! I’m so running from this psycho. After a quick drive, I arrive back to my house and sit on the floor, staring at nothing. Wondering how I always end up with the guy that just isn’t right for me. The guy that wants to use me and keep me like his damn toy. I thought he was different, I even started having stronger feelings for him. Not sure exactly what kind of feelings they are, but deeper than I’ve had for anyone in a long time, I know that. Getting lost in my head, I sit on the tiled floor for well over an hour before I finally move, and even then only because I hear a knock at my door. Walking to it, I open it slightly to see no one there, but on the ground in front of me are lilies sitting there like the last time. Running out to the street, I see him—he stops and stares at me smiling wide. I knew it was him, it’s always him. He used to give me lilies every weekend after one of his parties when he made me sleep with his friends. Now they’re showing up on my doorstep when he shouldn’t even know where I live. I give him the finger and run back inside locking the door. Should I call the police? Even if I did call them could anything even be done about it? What can I say, he gave me flowers and kidnapped me once? Then they would ask more questions like…

Why didn’t you come in when it happened? How do you know him? What is he to you? Questions that I can’t answer, or am too afraid to answer because what if that stupid dream is real? It feels so real to me. That means he knows my secrets as well, even if I never shared them with him. It’s a risk to take, one I’m not sure I want to when I could just carry my knife around with me and stab him if he tries again. Hopefully. At least Connick isn’t as crazy as him, I hope. Going into my bedroom, I contemplate packing again, but decide against it. I have to stay and see this through. I need to start thinking about the right questions to ask Connick tonight, ones that won’t go unanswered. As I’m changing, I hear a knock on my door again. This time, though, I hear crying and know it’s not Derrick. So, I pull the door open all the way. Serena stands there with one kid on her hip and the other attached to her leg. “Serena?” I ask in question. She smiles through her tears and offers me the baby. Looking at the baby, I wonder if I have to take it. I’ve never ever held a child before, so I have no idea what to do. Taking the baby, I grip it under its arms and hold it out from me. It smiles at me, and Serena walks in with the other child. “Not to be rude, but how do you know where I live?” She walks to my only couch and sits the other

child on it, while I hold this baby out, who’s smiling at me. Pulling it into my body, its hand goes to my hair that’s still down and immediately it starts pulling. I flip my hair to the side, then its hands go to my mouth and begins pulling at my lips. Pulling it away, I wonder if I can place the baby on the floor. They crawl, don’t they? “You gave it to Von, who gave it to me.” I nod my head and take a breath. “Where can I put the baby?” I ask still holding it out. “She crawls… on the floor is fine.” Placing the baby on the floor, I watch as it starts to crawl toward its mom then turns back and crawls to me, banging on my bare feet. “I want to leave him. He never helps. And he’s such a prick to me.” I blanch at her words. “Von?” I ask in question, and she nods her head. “You don’t love him?” “I do, I really do. But I need a man who’s going to be there. Not just when he wants in my bed, then look what happens.” She sweeps her hand around to the babies. “What are you going to do?” She starts pacing, and the baby at my feet starts tapping me. “That’s why I’m here. I don’t want to do this to you because I think we’ve become friends, and Lord I need some women friends right now who don’t want to fuck Von. But, I’m quitting. And you know what that means for you.”

I do, that means I get more shifts to fill for her until a replacement is found. “Quitting?” “I can’t do it anymore. Two years is long enough.” Reaching down, I pick the baby up, and it starts pulling at my shirt covering my breasts, holding my top down. I look up to her. “I do have one last favor, I promise.” I nod my head. “Can you watch the kids? I need to go tell him.” I’m sure my eyes shine in fear. “They’re easy, I swear. Cartoons on and they’re angels. Pretty please? Tops… thirty minutes.” “I’ve never even held a kid till a few minutes ago, Serena.” “And you did great. Please, Milanka?” she begs me with her hands. “Thirty minutes?” I ask her. She nods, smiling, then runs to the door, opens it, and pulls a bag inside that was obviously sitting just outside. Placing it on the counter, she opens it and pulls out a small snack box, walking it to the child on the couch. Serena turns the television on and the child stays still. Wow! What a miracle. She kisses the kids and runs for the door, leaving me with them. Kids!

CHAPTER 19

gone longer than thirty minutes. Actually, S he’s she’s gone for most of the day. Soon I have to meet Connick, and I’m not even ready and I haven’t even had a chance to think about him or what I want to ask. Both kids are on my bed. The baby is on my chest asleep, while the other plays with my cell next to me when Connick walks in, pushing my unlocked door open. He stops, and his face when I see him peek into the bedroom, is priceless. I want to photograph it. His eyes are wide, and his mouth is open as he stares at the kids and me. “She said thirty minutes… four hours ago,” I tell him. His mouth finally closes and he steps into the room. “You want kids?” he asks me seriously now. “No! What kind of question is that?” I ask him,

trying to not move which would wake the child that won’t leave me alone. “So, you don’t want kids, Milanka?” Is this some kind of trick question? I’m not sure, but I answer him truthfully. “No, never.” He nods his head, it seems I’ve picked the right answer and it pleases him. “Can you hold the baby? I need to get dressed.” He shakes his head fast, and if I didn’t know any better I’d think he was scared. Scared? My larger than life giant is scared? My? I can’t believe I just thought that. He isn’t mine, I don’t even know what he is. “Please, I’m betting you want me ready on time, and I can’t do that if I have a baby on me.” I sit up and the baby stays asleep, not even moving. Standing, I walk to him and lift the baby onto his chest. The baby snuggles in and I understand why. Connick smells delicious, he always does. Plus, no matter how mad you are at him, the moment he wraps you in his arms in any way, you fall asleep. I’ve proven that, even at the worst of times. Like last night. “Fancy?” I ask him while stretching. “Anything you wear is fine.” What? He didn’t say my name.

His eyes are firmly on the child on his chest, and he’s definitely afraid. Maybe I need to babysit more with him. Walking into my bathroom, I change into black jeans that have a few fashionable rips in the legs, and a nice low cut pink top. Leaving my hair down as he likes it, I walk back to see he hasn’t moved an inch. His eyes are still on the sleeping baby, and he’s still standing exactly where I left him. A knock comes and I run to the door to answer it. Not even checking because I know who it is, and I’m glad when I see Serena. She looks flustered and tired when she walks in, looking around for her kids. “I didn’t mean to take so long. I’m so sorry.” “How did it go?” “Well, now you have to work tomorrow. Sorry about that.” I shrug my shoulders, work is a good distraction. “The babies are in my room.” She walks past me and stops when she gets to my room, looks back at me and smirks. “He looks good with kids. Scared maybe, but good.” She reaches out and takes the baby like it was nothing to put him there in the first place. I practiced being still for ages, and she moves him without even waking him. She walks out with their bag. The older child kisses my cheek and she walks

out of my house, leaving me standing there watching, as Connick steps out and stands in front of me. “Are you ready, Milanka?” I nod my head and slip my flats onto my feet. He walks past me, then holds the door open for me to leave with him. Connick’s hand lands on my ass as we walk to his car and we both sit in the back. “Have you thought about your questions, Milanka?” Shaking my head, I dare not look at him. He’s back to using my name like his former baby self. “You don’t have all night.” Trying to think of what I want to ask is the trick. “How many can I ask?” Turning to him I see he’s already watching me. “Three. I think that’s more than fair.” “You’ll answer them all… truthfully?” A simple nod is all I get in return. Connick leans in close, I’m never afraid that he will kiss my lips anymore. He now knows I don’t like it from the last time when he kissed me and I didn’t kiss him back. Now, he kisses my collarbone, every single time. His breath touches me before his lips do. “Remember this car? Remember the reward I gave you in this car? Control?” A heavy breath is all I can give him. “Tonight, you have control again. Be careful

with it, Milanka. No one takes control of me, ever.” I don’t know what to say or even do with those words. He’s giving me control? I guess he means he is because I’m asking the questions. The question I really want to know is why I keep going back to him, even when I know he’s evil, even when I know he may hurt me. He kisses my neck before he sits up and reaches for the door and pulls it open. I slide over in the seat and follow him out. He offers me his hand as I climb out. Giving my hand to him, he pulls me to his side and starts walking into the restaurant. The lady at the reception desk smiles at him, not even asking his name as she steps out and takes us down the back to a private table. Does he own this as well? I decide that absolutely will not be one of my questions to him. I need to ask something more fitting, something that will make my decision of what I should do easier. He orders two glasses of water, and the lady walks away leaving us both sitting down, staring at each other, waiting for one of us to speak. “Ask Milanka… so I can eat in peace.” Drinking his water, he places it back down on the table in front of him. My hands start scrunching each other in my lap as I try to think of the first question— I undoubtedly needed more time for this. “How long have you been watching me?”

He doesn’t miss a beat before he answers, “I’ve known you since we were teenagers, Milanka. You were someone else’s then.” That shocks me, and before I can ask how, I remember I get only three questions, and I don’t want to waste them. Digging my nails into the palm of my hand, I ask my second question. “Do you want to hurt me?” His stare is hard as he looks at me, his eyes turning from vibrant to dark in a matter of seconds. “Sometimes. But no… I do not wish to hurt you anymore.” Anymore? This isn’t fair, he’s giving me answers which involve me asking more questions. Biting my tongue and digging my nails in harder to stop myself, I take a breath before I ask the last question. “What do I mean to you, Connick?” His hand goes to his head as he swipes the top and then comes back down on the table. He fidgets with his knife and then places it back down. Is he nervous? He could lie, but he’s a man of his word, so I know he won’t. Whatever he’s about to say is the truth. “More than anyone else in this world.” My heart beats fast, and my eyes blink multiple times. That’s a statement, a very powerful statement, except it could mean he doesn’t care at all for anyone, and I am it. Then I remember

Cherry, he must care for her, so that means I trump anyone in his life. I wonder for how long? Is this a recent thing? So many questions left to ask, but I won’t get the answers. “Two steaks, well done, side of vegetables.” Looking up, I see he’s just ordered for us and is watching me. “I still have many more questions.” He nods his head. “I can see them in your eyes. I said only three, though, Milanka, and three is all you get. Don’t push for more.” We sit in silence just locking eyes together. Three questions. Were they the best ones to ask? And what about his answers? He’s known me for quite some time. Does that mean he knows who Derrick is? Damn it! I should have asked that the moment he said it, I should have said that. He doesn’t look like a man or the type of man I would have thought would associate with Derrick. Derrick is a bastard. Connick is cold and ruthless. He takes what he wants, but not the same way Derrick does without consent. I gave myself to Connick, and I’m afraid I will continue to do so even knowing only small parts of him. He cares for me, though, that’s something I never expected. I thought I was just his

bed buddy, someone he fucked like I did, with multiple others. And what about Rob? Did he have him killed? Turning my head away from him, I have to, because the questions are everywhere and the answers are nowhere. “Stop overthinking things, Milanka. I accept your demons, and you must accept mine.” He’s so much like an ocean, his hands pull me in then they push me out. Drowning me in the middle, leaving me hazy and even more confused. Yet, I’m like the wave, it always comes back. “I want more questions,” I tell him. The waiter comes back and places our meals in front of us. He picks up his knife and starts cutting into his steak. “Maybe in a month.” So, he expects me to be around that long. I don’t know what to think of that. He wants me to stay? For what purpose? Is it because he cares for me? Or just to use me? It’s different when I use guys for sex, I don’t expect anything in return, except their body for one night. Nothing personal is ever shared. Yet, Connick knows more about me possibly than my own mother does. Actually, way more than she does. He, at least, knows where I live and she has no idea. I used to wonder if she was still alive. But I have no desire to contact her, and that’s just how

it’s been and it will probably stay that way. He knew she was alive, and I’m also guessing he knew who she was that day. Did he lie to me? Why would he? He doesn’t get anything from lying, especially not to me if that was the case. “I’m about to walk out, and you won’t be able to stop me if you don’t answer this last question.” He drops his knife and looks up at me. Waves his hand for me to continue. “You knew it was her, didn’t you? That night! You said before I lost it, ‘your hell’, I remember now. You knew who she was?” He smiles at me. “I’m impressed. Yes! I knew who she was. And no, I don’t know where she is now. And I am sorry for lying to you. I won’t do that again.” “You knew who she was…” Standing without touching my food, I look down at him, my hands dropping to my sides. Does he know everything, and somehow, I don’t know who he is? Were the clues right in front of my face and I was too blind to see? Do I even really care that he knows everything? He seems to still want me, even with knowing it all. “Sit down, Milanka.” He waves his hand at the seat. Closing my eyes and squeezing them tightly, I

answer him, opening them again. “Don’t follow me, Connick, just…” Trailing off, I place the napkin on the table, I grab my purse and walk away from that table and away from Connick.

CHAPTER 20

home was hard, but necessary. I couldn’t G oing have been in that restaurant any longer listening to all his truths, truths he had hidden from my life. Escaping from it all—that was a choice I had to make. The moment I got home and locked my door, he was there knocking on it. Pretending to not hear him, I sat on my couch waiting for it to stop. It didn’t, and I ended up falling asleep listening to his fists on the door. It’s morning now, and as I’m leaving to get coffee, he’s there when I open the door. He’s dressed in a different suit but he looks tired as hell. His violet eyes are gray and hold circles under them. “I told you not to run, Milanka.” I step out and shut the door behind me making him back up so I can. Then I start walking out the

front and onto the street, he follows me and eventually matches me step for step. “I didn’t run, Connick. Instead, I chose to walk away.” His hand comes around my waist, he grips me, turning me in his arms and pulling me to him, so our bodies are flush. Keeping my hands to my sides, I try to not touch him at all. “Don’t choose it, Milanka. I didn’t run, did I? And I know all.” Shaking my head at his words he continues, “You and I… we’re damaged… beyond repair. Yet somehow, some way, our damage matches and latches on. So, don’t run.” Connick’s voice is softer, and his eyes hold the truth, but how much of his secrets can he hold. His mouth is coming down, it’s like he’s about to kiss me and he’s scared of me more than any of his words. “Don’t,” I whisper, my eyes on his lips. “I wouldn’t.” Nodding my head, I smile a small smile, “Tell me something, though. Why?” “You don’t know? You seem to know everything else.” My voice is mocking, but his hands and eyes don’t change. He wants to know why. “They were all stolen. Each and every kiss. It’s the one thing, no matter my sins, that I won’t give away. They’re mine.” “Coffee?” he asks, pulling me with him as he nods his head as a reply. I smile, and that’s all he needs. He keeps his

hand on my waist while we walk into the coffee shop, the same one where I met him. “What are you to me?” I ask him as he orders our coffee and we walk to take a seat. “What do you want me to be?” He’s always so serious, I wonder if one day he’ll be playful with me. “I don’t even know.” “Let’s leave it at that. You want me. I want you. Two people filling each other’s needs.” “Are you using me for sex?” I ask him. “No, and one day you will be sleeping over, for a full night without running out in the morning.” “Running is all I’ve ever done.” His hand comes down on my thigh. “Let’s break our barriers together.” He goes on to tell me that Cherry wants to invite me to her girl’s night. She’s getting married, and having a bachelorette’s night that he’s paying for. He tells me she’s the only person in his life that he trusts, and that’s why she knows so much and has so much control. He’s even giving her fifty percent of his hotel chain as a wedding gift because she deserves it. I figured it out, I figured us out without running. We appear, then we disappear. Because that’s how we’ve been raised. Our true selves will come at you if you are close, close enough to feel it, to touch it. That side of us that would die for you,

protect you, give everything for you, that’s who we are. That’s why I don’t let anyone in. I gave myself, too much of myself, before, to someone who didn’t deserve it. My loyalty was taken for granted. So now it’s held tightly to my chest, and I’m afraid to let it go. He is exactly the same, I see it with the way he speaks of Cherry. Others, he wouldn’t care for, I bet he would even kill them if he had to. And still here he sits in front of me, and an overwhelming sense of enlightenment comes over me. He would kill for me. He would protect me, unlike any other. Yes, we are both damaged, and if we choose to not judge that damaged part and just let it be, maybe then we can be extraordinary.

HE TOLD me to drink as he dropped me off at the bar and to have a good time. Connick said he was only a phone call away. I’ve never had anyone want to look after me before. I’ve always had myself and that isn’t enough sometimes. Sometimes you need that someone, whether you want to admit it or not. Cherry tried to get Connick to come into the bar, he booked the whole room out for Cherry and her friends. No strangers will be able to enter, with two

bodyguards manning the door, they are to call him the minute we decide to leave. Cherry’s friends are up dancing on the bar, and I’ve managed to sip one glass of wine. Compared to their ten glasses or so, I am slow. Cherry orders us another round as she laughs with her friends and looks to me, smiling. “He seems happier today. You both seem happier.” She came out to meet us when he dropped me off, and he even smiled at her as I got out of the car. “Yeah, we had a discussion.” She raises her eyebrows. “We needed to sort a few things out… secrets,” I explain to her. She nods her head. “Honey, that man will have secrets to the day he’s buried in the ground. You should be happy you know any, considering I only know a few after so many years.” “He kept secrets from me,” I try to explain to her. “You don’t have secrets you keep from him?” she asks, sipping her glass of wine while I stare at mine. “I do, but I still don’t even know what we are.” “Why label it?” She shrugs her shoulders. “Connick is the man you chase, but you never catch. You, my dear, have him tangled in your web.” She pours more wine into my already full glass. “Drink up, girl, we have some dancing to do.” Standing up, she downs the rest of her glass

and dances her way over to her friends. Sitting where I am, I finish the second glass of wine watching them all have fun. Standing to go to the restroom, I feel the effect and suddenly feel dizzy. Grabbing my cell, I place it to my ear as I ring his number. He answers on the first ring. “Milanka.” “I’m kind of spinning, and feel light.” “How many have you had?” “Just two… full glasses,” I add. “I’ll be there soon,” he adds as the phone disconnects. Cherry grabs my hand as I go to walk past her, and pulls me out with her and the rest of the girls to dance. Nineties RnB is playing, and most of these songs I know and dance to in my living room when I’m cleaning. So, I do the same, swinging my hips and jumping up and down, my hair covering my face and my eyes close. I see the appeal of alcohol right then and there, I feel so free, and fun is running through my veins. I could dance all night and not move from this floor. Girls start cheering and hands wrap around my waist. “No boys,” I tell Connick knowing it’s him the moment his hands touch me. It’s always sensual, always sliding along me to feel, then grabbing to own me. “He’s allowed to, he paid. Thanks, Connick,” Cherry shouts from next to me almost deafening

my ears as she does. Moving my hips, I tip my head back, so he goes to the nape of my neck, and he kisses my collarbone up and down along my neck making me horny. “Fuck me,” I whisper turning into him so his hands slide to the back of me, dropping down and onto my ass. “Once in the bathroom, then all night in my bed.” He picks me up and the girls’ cheer, so do I, looking down at him. “You like me. You like me a lot,” I say kissing his nose as he walks with me holding my ass. “You’re drunk.” “Don’t deny it, Connick.” Kissing his forehead, I whisper, “I may give you head if you tell the truth.” “Yes, yes… a lot. Now shut up so I can fuck you.” He drops my feet, so they touch the floor and locks the door. Turning back to me, he undoes his pants pulling his hard cock free. He walks over to me, and he hikes my skirt up that doesn’t have anything underneath. Then he lifts me up again so my legs go around his waist, sliding me down slowly. With a gasp, he enters me, filling me, and making me want him even more in that moment. “Tell me what scares you,” I say in between breaths. He’s lifting and dropping me so fast I can hardly catch my breath. He squeezes my ass hard as he answers,

“Love… you.” And that’s all he says, I know he won’t say any more. It’s a moment of weakness, and I pulled it free. I will do it again, though. His shirt now smells of me, and I now smell of him. He holds me to him not letting me down straight away. We’re both trying to contain ourselves and regroup. “I drank too much.” I laugh on his shoulder. “You had two glasses. Though, I don’t want you drinking again without me there.” Nodding my head, he places me down then tucks his cock back in after removing the condom which I didn’t even notice he had, and before I can pull my skirt down, he does it for me. Then he takes my hand pulling me from the bathroom and back to where all the girls are. Walking up to Cherry, Connick leans in and whispers in her ear before he pulls away letting me lean in and give her a one arm cuddle. “Stay safe, and thanks for coming.” We walk out to his car, he opens the door for me, then climbs in the driver’s side and starts the car, driving in the direction of his house. “I have work tomorrow, I need to go home.” “I have everything you need. I told you… my house, my bed.”

CHAPTER 21

cuffs my hands to his bed, cutting my H eclothes from my body with a knife. It’s sexy, and the air is cool as it hits my skin making me stay as still as possible. From the moment we entered his house his hands couldn’t stay away, and mine couldn’t keep off of him. He was naked before we entered his bedroom, while I still had on my skirt and shirt. He stands at the end of the bed watching me, his eyes gray as they roam over me. He touches my foot, then the other, and then he grabs them both and pulls them apart. He drops low and kisses a trail up my leg. Just as I think he’s about to reach that place, he stops and does the same with the other leg. After kissing every inch of me, his mouth lands where I need it, lavishing me as he does—a stroke of his tongue for a cry out loud is what I get.

Each stroke is so good and a desperate cry leaves my mouth. His hands hold my legs apart as he fucks me with his mouth, making me buck and pull against the cuffs that tie me to his bed. He worships me, and I’ve never been worshiped before by anybody, let alone a man that looks like Connick. He has an element to him that no one else possesses. A darkness to him that attracts me, yet scares me in some ways as well. He climbs up my body leaving the cuffs on and fucks me. This time, though, it’s slow with each push, lazy and consuming. Some would even call it making love. His hands are gentle even if my wrists feel sore, and his mouth is open, kissing me everywhere but my lips. His body positions and molds to mine. I love him—alcohol in my system, the devil at our doors, secrets in our closets—I love him. I know I do, I just have to come to terms with that fact. Having not loved anyone for a very long time, this is not something to take lightly, considering he’s just like me. Does he know? Does he know how I feel? Does he feel the same way? His entry into my life was savage, we collided in a way I didn’t see coming. He is my very own savage collision in every way possible. Even when we finish, and he loosens my wrists kissing the

redness, I stare at him wondering if I can see it. Can you see love? Or can you only feel it? I’m afraid he will see mine before I can admit it out loud.

HE WASN’T LYING when he told me not to worry about work clothes. When I wake, I have a brandnew uniform sitting at the end of the bed. The bedroom is empty, and there’s no Connick. Getting up with a slight headache, I quickly use his shower to remove the smell from my skin from the alcohol that consumed me last night. After getting dressed and walking down the stairs, I see him seated at the table with two plates of breakfast with someone in the kitchen cooking. “Chef?” I ask in shock. He looks up to me and nods his head turning back to the paper he’s reading. Do people still read them? I haven’t seen anyone read a newspaper in years. Only elderly people waiting at the bus stop. “Thank you for the clothes… and breakfast.” Eggs, bacon, pancakes, all sit in front of me. Usually, all I have is a coffee and nothing else, so this will be a rude awakening to my system. We both eat in silence and continue that way even

when the chef leaves. Finishing up, I drink my coffee before checking the time. I have Serena’s shift today, so I have to start earlier. “I want you to move in.” Looking up I see he’s serious. “No, that’s too soon.” “You’ll be safer where I can protect you.” “From what?” He shakes his head but doesn’t answer me. “I’ll take you to work and pick you up when you finish.” “You don’t have to do that. Just take me to my car and I’ll be fine.” Slamming his hands on the table, he closes his eyes. “Stop fighting me on everything, Milanka. I’m taking you. End. Of. Story.” He pushes the seat back with a loud scrape and walks off. Grabbing my phone, I stand to follow him knowing I have to leave now. He’s waiting at the door holding it open for me. As I walk past him, I feel the tension in the air. He opens my door and drives in silence. When we reach the bar, I climb out not knowing what to say to him. He drives away as soon as I get out, not saying a word himself. Von nods to me as I start the set-up. The waitress starts cleaning the tables as Von walks up to me just before we open. “She tell you?”

“Yeah.” He scratches his head. “She won’t come back to work. Maybe you can talk to her?” Shaking my head, I answer him, “No Von. Don’t ask me to come into your problems.” “Yeah, I know. Fucking women, hey?” “Von, I am a woman.” “Yeah, sorry. You aren’t drama like all the others.” “Thanks… um… I think.” Walking away, he opens the doors, and our first customer comes in for the day, distracting me from all things Connick and what we even mean.

MY CAR IS out front of the bar with the keys in an envelope given to me by Von. He isn’t there when I finish work. Driving back, I don’t go to his place. His instructions were clear, he wanted me to stay with him, but here I am going back to mine. Parking my car out front, I step out, and a voice says my name—it’s a voice I know only too well. My back locks up, my hands freezing on the door, and her voice speaks again. This time more calmly. It’s the first time I’ve heard her say my name since I was ten-years-old. What does that do to a person? Do they become so distant from emotions that

it’s hard to connect with anyone else? Turning around, I see she’s dressed in a red and white floral-patterned dress. It’s loose and makes her look her age, not the age she tries to be when she fucks. Do I address her by her first name now? I don’t know what to say or even do. Her hands start moving as she clutches at her dress, noticing the same thing I do when I’m nervous. She can’t have changed, though, it’s impossible. Not after this long, that’s for sure. “Yes…” is all I manage to say, holding my keys in my hand, squishing them and hurting my fingers. “Can we talk? Coffee maybe?” She looks down the street to the coffee house I met Connick at, and I instantly shake my head at her. I’m not covering that memory with one of her. Nodding my head to my house, she turns and looks up then smiles softly at me, stepping to the side. Walking past her, I unlock the front door and hold it open for Mom to enter. I hear the click of her heels as she walks in and I close the door. “It’s nice, Milanka,” she says as she gazes around the small living area. She stands next to my kitchen counter. I don’t move at first, too afraid of her actually being here. “Coffee?” I ask. She gives me a simple head nod before I start making it. Once it’s done and I pass it to her, I see her watching me.

“You look so much like how I used to.” I can literally do nothing but stare as she speaks again, “He said you were the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.” Raising an eyebrow in question, she answers my unasked question. “Connick.” “Are you here because of him?” I ask, but she shakes her head. “I came to see you. A message actually…” pausing, she places the cup back down, “… he wants you to leave him, to leave Connick, and he will give you the knife so you can destroy it.” “Knife?” Then I remember my dreams, the one where Derrick takes the knife. “You talk to Derrick?” I ask shocked. “I work for him, Milanka.” “You didn’t come to see me at all, did you? You’re just passing on a message?” All I get is a small smile and a nod. “I didn’t want you. I know… I know… what mother says that to a child, right? It’s the truth, though. You remind me of me. Of where I could have gone right, yet went so wrong. I don’t miss you, Milanka. I’m only here via his request.” Wow! Wow! It’s the only word my mind can comprehend right now. A knock comes on the door, and it takes me a moment to perceive that someone is actually at my

door. Looking up to the woman who gave birth to me but is not my mother. She never raised me, she never looked after me, I had to do all that myself. Turning my back on her, I walk to the door and open it slightly. Connick is there, so I pull the door open the whole way and I see that his eye is black. My hand reaches out to touch it, but his head turns fast, looking behind me. “What happened?” “Another time, Milanka,” he says, not answering my question as he looks on to her. His nostrils flare, and he isn’t impressed. He takes a step through the door, his hands coming to my hip, pushing me into him and slamming the door shut behind him. He looks around the room quickly before his murderous eyes land back on my mother. “You! What are you doing here?” Anger— that’s the only sound I hear coming out in his voice. She doesn’t answer him straight away, she actually looks down at her nails then back up to him. “You sold me to him.” I get stuck looking between the two, my head flicking from one person to the other. What’s going on here? Am I the only one who doesn’t know what’s happening around me? “Leave,” he screams. She walks past us both, opening the door and with the wave of a hand she slams it shut. I step

back from Connick, wanting distance between us yet again, as I look at him and wonder what other secrets he hasn’t told me. I was happy to let him bury some of them, hold them away from me because we all have our secrets, some we don’t want to share and some we do, which I completely understand. But this? He owned her. Is that what he does? Does he own women? The better question is… does he own me? “Do you own me?” He shakes his head with no hesitation. “You own other women?” I know he doesn’t like questions, but some things I just can’t let go. Some things I have to know, especially if it involves me. “Yes.” His answer is blunt. I’ve come to know he’s telling the truth by the expression on his face. “You need to tell me why she was here.” Shaking my head at him. “I technically don’t have to tell you anything. And actually, I choose not to. Unless you can tell me more truths, I want you to leave.” He didn’t expect those words to leave my mouth because his mouth is open slightly in shock, but then he closes it. “I’ve told you as much as I can.” “So have I. The door’s behind you.”

He turns his back to me, opening the door and walking out. As soon as the door shuts, I wonder how this is my life. My life amounts to the facts that—I’m in love with a man who has more secrets than the devil himself, I was born to a mother who shouldn’t have been a mother, and I have a crazy ex-boyfriend who I can’t seem to escape.

CHAPTER 22

did it all happen? Falling in love with a H ow man, to now being alone and feeling ten times worse because I can’t see him. My days have been nothing compared to having him in my life. What a significant part of my world he has become. I never loved Derrick, I knew that from the beginning he was pure lust. Nothing more. Connick, on the other hand, is more, he’s just more. I’ve tried to work out whether or not he knows my secrets? The ones I didn’t even believe to be true, until a week ago, when my mother came to me to tell me she had the knife. The dream has been playing over and over again in my head, making it feel even more real, making me wonder what else I could have done, and is my evil as bad as the rest of them? I didn’t want to be evil. I didn’t want to have an

illness. I just wanted to be normal. Normal. That word seems to be overrated. Those who say that word, are they normal? They don’t live in hell surrounded by demons who claw at actual skin, waiting for that precise moment to jump in. I remember seeing Alice in Wonderland at school when I was a child, and I often wished I could fall down that same rabbit hole she did. To have someone love you as the Mad Hatter loved her. He cared for her, and that was the love I’d never have. I’ve never been able to watch that movie again. To have that fascination stuck in my head forever and ever would do more harm than good. Maybe that’s why I am sick. My mind knew it and wanted to escape, and there was only one way to do it. I’m better now, I have been for a long time. Apart from that one incident in my life, I’m steady. Steady is what I want, and it’s the reason why I never push for more in my life. I’m sure I could have done the whole college thing. I could’ve worked two jobs to put myself through. Again, I chose not to. I’ve been such a ‘yes girl’ for most of my life, but as of late I’ve learned to say no. A lot of that is to do with Connick, a man who slowly peeled pieces of me away and nestled himself under my

skin. It was a slow burn, yet it all happened so fast. I didn’t love him straight away, that’s what the foolish girls do, and I don’t want to be foolish. Maybe I could run away to Wonderland and leave my heart behind because I don’t really understand how to use it in the sense of the word love. Maybe I’m just as lost as Alice. Lost in this world, lost in love. Each day as I get out of bed, I’ve been waking up later and later. I think it’s my desire to not wake up at all kicking in. Today is my day off. I hate having the day off because there’s nothing to keep me occupied. I’m not going back to his gym or his restaurant. Basically, I don’t want to go anywhere that I can run into him. Let’s face it, we would talk, I would swoon, and I would fall straight back into his bed. Today, I’ve decided to go to the hairdresser’s. I haven’t been to one for what feels like forever. Walking in and sitting down, the lady starts washing my hair and giving me a deep scalp massage. I’m almost asleep again when a voice startles me. Opening my eyes and looking around, I spot Nicole having her blonde hair bleached. The lady washing my hair starts to speak, but I don’t hear a word she’s saying because my eyes and mind are trained on Nicole. She obviously feels my stare because she turns around and her eyes widen in surprise, then she quickly turns away and starts typing

furiously on her phone. Just my luck, the day I decide to leave my house and try to be a normal person, I see the bitch. I’m not a physical person but she brings out the worst in me, just like her boyfriend. Trying to sit up while the lady’s still washing my hair is a bad idea because I get shampoo in my eyes, making them sting. She apologizes profoundly, and I feel bad for her because it was totally my fault. “I’m sorry, but I need to leave,” I tell her apologizing. She asks if she can rinse my hair out first, and I tell her yes. Once she has me in a position where I’m ready to leave, I hand her a big tip. As I walk out the door, I spot him, and he also spots me. In his hand is a bouquet of lilies. How on earth could he have purchased one so fast? He speaks my name, and I try to block him out while attempting to walk away in the other direction. Derrick says my name louder a second time, and people start looking. I stop, turn around and wait for him to reach me. My hands are clenched at my sides, my nails slowly digging into my palms. He smiles that awful smile at me, and I want to run the other way and never look back. But I know he’ll just keep on chasing me. How does he even know where to find me all the time? Although, this time, I guess the answer to that question is easy, just like her—Nicole.

“Mil,” he says my name like we’re lovers, but we’re anything but. “What do you want, Derrick?” I have to know so I can get as far away from him as possible. The flowers drop down to his side, he reaches a hand out to touch my cheek and I step back, not wanting his hands on me at all. He clucks his tongue when I do so. “You got my message?” I just stare at him and don’t answer. I find it's best to not feed the dogs and Derrick is a dog I can’t get rid of. “Has he told you who he is?” Again, I don’t answer him. What’s the point, he’ll never give me a straight answer anyway. He’s just fishing, waiting to reel me in. “I’ll give it back to you… the knife, Mil. If you agree to meet me back where you left me.” My head answers by shaking no, but my mind is screaming yes. He has something, something that could put me behind bars for the rest of my life. It’s not something I want in his hands, even if he has had it for all this time. He’s been waiting for the right opportunity to use it against me, that’s just how Derrick works. You wouldn’t think he was smart just by looking at him. Actually, he has the ‘preppy boy, know-it-all’ look down pat, but clearly, he’s used his looks to get where he is. I’ve been told his father is exactly the same, bullheaded. “Why?” I can feel the blood running over my hands like it happened minutes ago, but it didn’t,

and he knows it. He knows my weaknesses, and I hate that about him. His eyes look down to my hands then back up to my eyes. “We never had a proper goodbye,” is all he says. “Tomorrow.” He attempts to hand me the lilies again, and I shake my head. “You loved them, Mil.” “I used to.” I hope he gets my meaning that I used to like him as well. That’s all in the past now. He walks away and as he does, Nicole steps out of the salon and looks to me then to him. I don’t care about her reaction because I start running as fast as my feet can take me, all the way home. The moment my stairs come into view relief washes over me. Then as I draw closer, slowing down my pace, my heart doesn’t stop beating erratically. Connick is sitting on my stairs, his black eye gone, the black cap he used to wear sits on his head covering his eyes. He stands when I walk closer, and he looks like shit. Like he hasn’t slept for days. I must have stolen his sleep with all of mine. I try walking past him and up to my door, but I can hear his boots on the stairs as he follows me, and I can feel his breathing behind me. Unlocking the door and stepping through I turn to shut it, but the moment I set eyes on him, I start

to fight a war raging within myself. I’ve wanted him from the moment I laid eyes on him. I’ve wanted him even after he’s lied to me. I’ve wanted him when he’s trapped me. And I want him right now. I didn’t think I could have one partner—sex with one person. I could fuck him for the rest of my life and be happy with just him. That’s what this means to me. He sees my resolve and takes it as his opening by stepping inside my house, and straight back into my heart. The moment his hands touch me I know I’m fucked yet again. I’m about to give myself to him. I’m about to let him take me and do with me as he pleases. “Milanka.” The way he says my name has always bugged me, it’s always so straightforward and formal, except when he says it because he wants me. It holds an allure to it then. Within moments I’m stripping off my clothes, and as he shuts the door, my sense and sensibility leave me. He waits until I’m fully undressed before he descends, catching me at my weakest then he whispers into my ear, “Tell me you won’t leave me again?” I nod my head fast, pulling at his shirt then yanking on his pants. He leaves his hat on, it won’t get in the way. We never kiss on the lips anyway. His beautiful mocha skin comes into contact with mine. It’s like we’re a canvas and we’re about to do

dirty, dirty things. He doesn’t waste any time picking me up, kissing my neck. A lot of the time our sex is hard and fast, but it’s never the last time as he always fucks me more than once. Usually twice, and sometimes up to three times in one night, and every time he makes my knees weak and my legs shake. I’ve been with a lot of men, I’ve never denied that. But being with Connick, it’s like standing in the rain with lightning strikes zapping all around you, and you know any second that one of those lightning strikes is about to hit you and you’re going to love every minute of it. He bruises my back slamming me into the wall as he fucks me, I try not to look at him because if I do, I’ll be zapped and taken under his spell. My hands run up and down his biceps to his shoulders. His arms, they’re so strong, so powerful. His hand comes between us and he applies pressure to my clit, it’s not long before my nails start digging into his skin. He moves me up the wall, keeping me around his waist. Then he threads his fingers through my hair, and he pulls at it making my neck snap backward, and he licks a long line from between my breasts to the top of my neck. We’re both exhausted, mentally and physically, but he manages to carry me to my bedroom and he lays me down with him next to me. I’m too tired to tell him to go, too exhausted to remove his hands as

they circle around to me, comforting me when I know he shouldn’t be. Connick is savage, I’ve come to learn this. He doesn’t relent, even when he should. I’ve left him. I tell him to leave me alone, but he doesn’t listen to any of it. He makes up his own mind and does as he pleases. He scares me. He frightens me. He steals me. I let him. That’s a part of love, isn’t it? We’re all blind to it. We forgive, even when we shouldn’t. I would never tell him. Ever. My love for him will be locked tight and he’ll never see it. I’m good at keeping secrets, and I would lie straight to his face if I had to. If it’s to protect myself, I’ll do it. I’ve been fighting a game of survival all my life, and just because a man with a black hat walks into it, doesn’t mean I won’t stop fighting. It doesn’t mean I’ll hand over my heart on a platter. It’s mine. Even if it calls for someone else. He can’t have it.

CHAPTER 23

with him in my bed is very strange, W aking I’ve never had him in my bed all night. He’s always up and walking out the door, but he’s still asleep and I take a moment to stare at his face. It’s so different when he’s asleep. He looks gentle, not hard. His eyelashes fan across his cheek and I want to run my hand across his face. He opens his eyes sleepily, looking straight at me. I wonder what he sees when he looks at me. Is it the same girl I see when I stare in the mirror? Or is it someone completely different? His hand reaches out, and he brushes my hair back. “I’ve missed you.” Okay, so they’re not words I expect to hear from him. “You need to leave.” My voice is small.

He drops his hand from my face and sits up to look at me. “I owned her, for the sole purpose to own you, Milanka.” Jumping up and out of bed, I look down at his calm face. “You wanted to own me?” “Yes.” “How can you say that, and lay in my bed as if you’re my lover?” “I don’t want to own you anymore, Milanka. Not in the way I owned her. I want to own you in every other possible way.” “I’m not your thing, Connick, I’m a person. And you can’t be this stupid…” I wave my hands around “… this idiotic. I may let you into my bed because I am just as much of an idiot as you, but that’s as far as this will ever go. You and me… we’ll be nothing more than bed partners.” “You’re lying.” His teeth grit hard as he stands, naked, looking at me. I shake my head. “You’re mine, Milanka, and just because you don’t like the meaning of that word doesn’t make it any less true.” I feel like this is a merry-go-round, and we keep on coming back to the same problem again and again. Will it ever stop? Will either of us actually decide to get off, because the way it’s going now we keep jumping back on? One of us is going to have to say enough is enough. I’m afraid that won’t

be me because I’ll keep on riding it until I can no more. “Please leave,” I almost whisper. He bends down to pick up his clothes, and I can do nothing but watch as he gets dressed. The minute the hat slides back onto his head, guilt starts washing over me and then he speaks. “I’ll be back later, Milanka. We haven’t finished speaking.” He walks out the same door I let him in last night, leaving me standing there on the ride, spinning.

DERRICK WANTS me to go back to that place, that place where I left him. I know exactly where it is, exactly the moment I knew I was going to leave him. My car sounds like it’s about to die any second now as I reach the destination. Coming to a stop, I look ahead. The place I once called home no longer stands, in its place is another beat-up trailer. I wonder if the people who live in it now hate it as much as I did? The door opens, and Derrick steps out. Maybe he loves it. Maybe I was wrong. If this is his, he’s sicker than I thought. Opening my door with shaky hands, my shoes hit the dirt ground, the same dirt ground I left on all those years ago. He thought he was taking me to be

helped, to stop some of the voices that were screaming in my head that night. Instead, he gave me hope. He just didn’t want to think that hope didn’t include him. “Mil…” The door stays open behind him as he strides down the steps. Walking toward me, he stops halfway and holds his hand out. Taking a step forward and closer to him, but without touching him. “Smart girl, Mil.” His eyes roam me up and down. “Where’s Nicole?” He clucks his tongue at me. “You don’t want to talk first? Do you even remember? I know you must recall some of it… if you’re here, that is.” “Yes.” “Ahhh… so you do. You remember, Mil. You remember our love then?” He starts moving now, he’s circling me while I stay exactly where I am. “We didn’t have love, Derrick, you used me for your own sick purposes.” “I love you, Mil. I saw it that night, that night you showed me who you really are.” “I was sick, Derrick. That was not me.” He stops back in front of me now, looks behind him to the trailer then back to me. I look around and see that the trailers that were previously there look like they haven’t been lived in for years. It’s too quiet, everything is too quiet. “She told me she could help you. Calm you

down that night. That doctor you still see. What’s her name? Marina?” His eyebrows rise. “She didn’t see that she made you a shell of the person you once were. The you before that night was quiet and giving. The you on that night was ruthless and unforgiving. The you now, is shy and quiet, always holding yourself back. I want to bring her back to me, and I will.” My head starts shaking slowly before his next words leave his mouth. “You can have it back, Mil. But to have it back, I need something from you in return. I want you back.” “I’m not yours to have.” Anger floods his eyes. “You think you’re his?” I don’t answer him. His lips curl up in disgust. Derrick pulls the knife out, the same one that was in my dreams, the same one I killed that man with. Blood on my hands, blood in my heart. It’s all real. All of it was real. He wasn’t lying to me, he was there, and he saw the aftermath of what I’d done. Is he as evil as I am? He must be if he covered it up and held it in for so long. “You’re mine, Mil, and I’m about to prove that to you yet again.” Before a word can leave my mouth I turn to try to run from him, but I hear his footsteps and know

he isn’t letting me go. He has other plans and it was all a lie. His hand grips my shoulder and something hard lands at the back of my head. My hands go up to it to protect it, but it’s too late because my vision becomes blurry and my hands drop as my body does. My last vision is of him. The last person I want to see. I wake with my hands tied to my side, sitting up against a wall, in the trailer he stepped out of. I know exactly what it is, because I have lived in one all my childhood life. I look around to see if I can find him, but my vision is still blurry, and I can’t make out everything in the room. I hear his footsteps then his hand touches my face the minute he’s in front of me. He lifts my face up so I can see him as my vision stills. He is my devil. Of this I’m sure. I let him in as you let in sin, easy and smooth. Then it rips you to shreds. “You’re awake. I was afraid she’d knocked you too hard over that head.” He touches my scalp and it hurts, and I flinch trying not to focus on the pain. My hands are in cuffs again like the last time. “Who?” My voice is raspy, and my mouth is dry. “Your mother.” My eyes shoot up to his, and he likes that

because he smiles wider. He picks me up by the cuffs and makes me stand, then he pulls them hard, so I have no choice but to move with him. “I made her leave. The stupid bitch thinks I want her, over you.” “Why?” His breath comes hard on my face as he pushes me into a room that was just like my mother’s, and my feet trip as I fall backward onto a bed. “I only have a taste for one woman, Mil, you should know this.” He begins undressing by pulling his shirt off over his head. That’s when I notice my name which is branded on his chest over his heart in large black writing. I bet Nicole would have loved seeing that every day, I think to myself. Then it clicks what he’s doing, he’s going to have sex with me. He’s going to rape me. And I will have no way to stop it. “Don’t… don’t do this.” His shoes come off next. “It won’t be as bad as your head is making it out to be, if you remember our love, Mil.” Lies, all lies. Shaking my head, he keeps going, removing each piece until he’s naked in front of me, and I’m in a ball on the mattress waiting to see what he’s about to do next, and wondering how I can stop it. Upon hearing a clanking noise, he looks behind

him, walks away then slams the front door, locking it before he reenters. I try to slide my hands free to remove the cuffs, to get myself out of here, but it’s no use, my hands can’t slip through. “Don’t! Untie me, and I’ll fuck you, Derrick.” He looks down at my hands then back up at me again. “You fucked him with cuffs on. I see it, Mil, in that place he calls a business… you fucked him.” Shock again. He was there? “You liked it, so you will like this.” Closing my eyes, a single tear drips free. Lies, all lies.

CHAPTER 24

pulls at my clothes, hands coming H eeverywhere, fast and ripping. He wants me, this is evident in the way he looks at me and what’s happening between his legs as his cock is hard and ready. Not wanting it anywhere near me, I push away until my head hits the wall and smacks against it hard, hurting my already bruised scalp. “Think of me as one of them, Mil,” he whispers when he manages to remove my pants and my underwear. I cringe as his hands skim my bare legs, wanting them gone, then his mouth comes down kissing his way up, past my belly button to my breast pushing my shirt out of the way. I lay stock still wanting nothing more than him gone. Then the unexpected happens, his hand touches me there and I feel wet. Screaming at myself for even feeling this way, I

hate it. I hate him right now in this moment. Right at this moment I want him dead, with that same knife he’s hiding from me, the same knife he lured me here with. “Relax, Mil.” My body does so on his command. He purrs near my ear, and I hate the sound of it. I hate him. But my legs spread when he comes in between them. Evil. Sex. This is my punishment for wanting it all the time. For being a whore just like her. Is this the reason she was one? Because no matter how much you hate the person you’re fucking, you’re able to forget about the person who touches you, and forget about the world around you, and lose yourself in the act itself? Fighting that thought away, I start to kick him. When he leaves my body, my hands are tied together, but they attempt to fight him off. He pins my legs down, but he isn’t fast enough to catch my hands. I hit him with all I have, straight into his face, making him reel backward losing his grip on me. I squirm to the back of the bed, putting distance between us. He stands to hold his face, and his forehead scrunches in anger. “You’ll pay for that, Mil.” He walks away leaving me naked and alone in the

room, his clothes staying where they are on the floor, and I hear the door lock. How did he get a lock on the other side of the door? How long has he had this planned? Then I hear items being moved around. Is he barricading me in here? There’s a window in this room but it’s completely covered up by boards on the outside. There’s nothing to escape through. The only way to get out is through that door he just went out of. Collapsing on the dirty mattress, I curl myself up into a ball and close my eyes, listening. I hear a car leave and I know he’s just left me here to rot. This is my punishment for not wanting him when he wants me. My eyes focus on the stain on the wall, water drips slowly into the corner of the room. It’s apparently raining, and I didn’t even know. I loved the rain as a child, the way the sky darkened and the clouds took hold. Now I’m a prisoner listening and counting each drop.

THE RAIN STOPPED SOMETIME after I woke the first time, it stopped and never came back. Giving me nothing to do but to think. Everything has run through my head. Should I just seduce him when he comes back, pretend to want him so I can try to escape after he’s done with me? Then my fight

would kick in, and I wanted to kill him and even smashed myself against the wall thinking I could break it to be set free. All I got for my trouble was bruises that now litter my back. The only thing in the room other than the mattress is a cup, and I guess that’s the only place I can relieve my bladder. Now, all I can smell is urine everywhere. How long until someone searches for me? How long until someone actually misses me? Will Connick think I’ve just run again? Does he know I wouldn’t run a second time? I didn’t want to run the first time.

ANOTHER DAY PASSES, my stomach is so sore now. So sore. My hands feel weak. It’s an effort to lift them, so they lay exactly where I am, next to my side to try to save my energy. So much of my body is sore, it’s not just my stomach, it’s like a pile of things, everything hitting me all at once. My stomach, though, that cries, more loudly than the cries that leave my own mouth. To die of hunger would be an awful thing. My eyes search the ceiling of this old trailer—nothing is there but mold, a light, and chipped paint. I wonder if I could have been someone else, someone who

didn’t fall for a demon by the name of Derrick. Connick has his own demons, but for some unknown reason I still haven’t quite worked out, I want to be near him all the time. Even when I know I shouldn’t. He has evil, there is no doubt about that, but so do I. Do we match? Is it possible for us to balance each other out? I can’t judge him on all his mistakes, just as I wouldn’t want him to judge me. He is different when he’s with me. I see something in him that draws me in, something I never had with another man, especially Derrick. Derrick was someone who took what I didn’t know I was giving, then he abused it. Now, he wants my love. I laugh at that, my mouth is cracked from my dry lips, but the laugh still leaves them anyway. It’s not even as painful as it should be. I lick my dry lips and close my tired eyes, hoping I won’t wake in this hell hole tomorrow.

THE DAY finally comes when I hear a car. I’m too dehydrated and exhausted from starvation to move. All I can do is sleep. Otherwise, the hunger pangs hurt me too much. Could it be Von?

I told him if I went missing to try and find me, to let someone know. Has someone finally found me? Then the footsteps come, followed by the moaning and creaking of the door. Then objects are being moved. I should be up on my feet ready to fight for my life, but I physically cannot shift. Eyeing the door, I watch as he walks in with his hands full, a bag in each. He eyes me, then looks around the room. I’ve managed to get my underwear back on but failed with my shirt thanks to my hands being cuffed. “It stinks, Mil. You stink. Stand up.” I want to listen to his demands, I really do, but it’s too hard to stand, so I stay where I am, watching him through sleepy eyes. He shakes his head then pulls out a bottle of water, throws it near my head. I cup it with both hands, trying to undo the lid. The minute I do the water touches my lips, and my mouth loves me for it, but my stomach not so much. It tightens and wants to know what’s coming in after so long. Then something else drops next to me. Sandwiches. I tear open the packet and bite into the first one. It’s dry and delicious all at the same time, from the moment it hits my lips, I can’t eat it fast enough before he speaks. “Stand now, Mil. Shower. You stink.” The food and water threaten to come back up,

and I cup my mouth trying to hold it down when it threatens. He walks out and I hear the shower run. Managing, but on shaky legs, I walk to where he’s waiting, wanting more than anything to climb into that shower, yet not wanting him to watch me or be anywhere near me. “Now, Mil, I don’t have long.” Taking off my panties, I hold them close to me with my back to him when I step into the small cubicle. I scrub them as well as myself with a scented soap to remove the smell that has been me for the last few days. It’s difficult with my hands cuffed together and my body feeling so weak, but somehow I manage. Is he only cleaning me to have his way with me again? I should have stayed dirty, he wouldn’t want me then. “Why am I here?” I ask. He’s silent then the curtain is pulled back, and he leans against the wall watching me shower. “He kept secrets from you. Do you know that?” Looking at him in confusion he answers me. “Connick. Do you know who he is, Mil? At least you know who I am. Yet, you’d run to him if he were here, wouldn’t you?” “Yes.” He scoffs at me. “Just to get rid of me? You would go to him? The man who hasn’t told you a

single thing about who he is?” “I don’t need to know who he is, I know enough.” He laughs now. “You don’t know anything, Mil.” He steps closer and leans in to turn the shower off then drops a bombshell on me. “He’s my brother, Mil. My brother. He knows all about you. He was at some of the parties you came to. You remember them, don’t you?” I was always given to someone. I always had to sleep with someone. Some didn’t have names, some I chose to forget. “He can’t be.” “Different mothers, Mil. Still, he knows who you are, and he wanted you because you were mine. He’s more fucked up than I am. He’s followed you forever. I had him do so with one of his companies. He’s stepped over the line, though. He wasn’t meant to make contact with you. You aren’t his no matter how much he says otherwise. You were mine first.” Shaking my head, I don’t believe him, not at all. Then he pulls out his phone and flicks through until he finds what he wants and shows it to me. “Look familiar?” It’s me. Derrick has his arm wrapped tightly around me with Connick next to him. My legs give way, and I drop to the bottom of the shower. “Leave me alone,” I say to him as his

hand comes in contact with me. “I can’t, Mil. Can’t you see? What you love about him is me. But I’m here now to remind you of that. You don’t have to love him anymore because I’m here.” Is that the truth? Was it all a lie? Do I love him because he reminded me of Derrick? I can’t believe that. I won’t believe that.

CHAPTER 25

left that day, after picking me up in a H epuddle of shower water and placing a blanket next to me with a bucket and a bag of food and water. He was planning on keeping me, was my first thought. And he never wants to let me go, was my second thought. Then I thought of Connick, and how he could keep something from me, that was obvious. Something so big. If he would have told me I would have run for the hills, not his bed. Today’s a new day, and the moment I wake with the blanket wrapped around me and a drink in my mouth, the door to my room is slammed open. I didn’t even hear someone approaching in the car, I must have been out of it. I turn my head, and I see

a flash of blonde then I’m knocked down. Something heavy lands on me, trapping my cuffed hands to my mid-section. Crying out in pain, I open my eyes to see Nicole hovering over me with a bat in her hand, she swings and misses my head but barely. It makes her angry, so she brings it down again and it slams into in my midsection, then she sits on me. I lose breath in an instant, and my eyes start to water. She takes advantage of it and slaps me hard across the face and then leans down screaming in my face, “You stupid bitch, he’s mine.” Managing to breathe just the slightest again, I buck her with everything I have and knock her to the side. She falls, dropping the bat to the floor. Rolling to my side, I pick it up with both hands as she stands. “I’m going to kill you, you bitch.” She runs at me, I swing the bat hard. It connects with her face and she drops to the floor. Blood starts pooling around her. So I kick her with my foot—she isn’t moving. Hyperventilating, I think I’ve killed her until I see her finger twitch. Reaching down and dropping the bat, I pick the keys up from the floor and turn toward the door, getting ready to run, when my heart stops. He’s back, looking not pleased at all. “What did you do, Mil?” He looks down to his

wife then back to me as he picks the bat up from the floor. I taste the blood from my split lip and my face burns, not to mention how sore my stomach is right now. I watch as he checks her pulse then looks to me. “Do you want to kill her, Mil? Is that what it will take?” My eyes go wide. “Kill her?” I ask in disbelief. He stands and walks toward me. “Will that make you happy? Make you see what I am for you? If I killed her?” “No! No. Don’t kill her.” Backing up and away from him, he picks her up placing her over his shoulder. Her head is dripping blood, and I wonder if I have killed her. He doesn’t say anything as he walks out, locking the door. I wait and wait, waiting to hear the rev of an engine but nothing comes. Then the sounds of his shoes return as the door opens. Derrick now has no shirt on. “I’d kill her for you, Mil.” “I know.” He steps forward, touching my hair, stroking it. “Do you see it yet?” “See what?” He leans down so he’s eye-level with me, his hand stopping on my head. “Our love.” I choke on the bile that rises and refuse to tell him the truth. This is all about escaping now, so that crazy bitch doesn’t come back.

“I do.” He leans down to kiss me on my lips, and I turn my head to the side. I’ve failed on the first attempt. He knows it straight away because he pushes me back then storms to the door, clutching the door in his hand. “You lied, Mil. Your act of love is a kiss. I know you, Mil, and you can’t kiss me. You will be punished.” Shutting the door, he leaves me stuck in the room again, with every part of my body screaming out in pain, even my lips.

I SPACE my food out as much as I can. Derrick didn’t buy me much to begin with, so what little I have I am pacing. I don’t want the same stomach hunger pangs as I had last time. I also don’t want to be left weak and defenseless when he returns by eating it all at once. How did she know I was here? Touching my lip the next day I can feel it healing, but it stings every time I eat. He wants my love as if I can just give it to him on a platter. Life and love don't work that way. I wish it did, then I wouldn’t be in this situation. Making a plan in my head, I try to plot out what I can do with my life when I leave. When I can finally escape Derrick’s greasy palms.

Buy the house I want. One I’m happy to live in forever. Find a job. Other than one at a bar. I need to leave that life. Forgive her. Forgive my mother for never being a mother. Move away. Far, far, away to start fresh, as the new me. Tell Connick goodbye. In person, without sleeping with him. I haven’t allowed myself to think too much of what Derrick said about Connick. I don’t want it to plague my thoughts because they will run rampant otherwise. I can cross that bridge when I see him next, and he tells me the truth in person. I start running through my plans again. Remove myself from Derrick. As fast as possible and never look back. Get that knife. So he can’t hang anything over my head ever again. Laying my head down I think of the last time I was happy, truly happy, without a worry in the world. When was it? That’s sad, isn’t it? No childhood memories come to life, no teenage memories either. The only time I’ve smiled was with one man. The only one who made me feel safe, yet scared, was Connick. The man who could be the sole reason I’m sitting here in the first place. Then I remember when he first trapped me,

Derrick, in that room. The voice of the other person he was speaking to, it was Connick. My head hurts when I sit up too fast. How did I not pick up on that straight away? His voice is so distinctive, yet I didn’t know. Was it he that let me out of that room and gave me the chance to escape in the first place? His footsteps come back, pulling me out of my inner thoughts. Only this time I’m up sitting and waiting for that door to open. He looks at me surprised when he does. Holding the door with his hand he starts to talk. “She’s told me to kill you, or she’s taking my child and leaving.” A chill runs down my spine. “Don’t worry, Mils. I’ll kill her before she can, then we’ll be happy.” He closes the door and leaves. Did he come here for my approval? Or to just tell me? Why would he do either? He thinks I’m as sick as he is, but I’m not. Nowhere near it. His mind needs serious help, at least I got the help I needed. The days pass, and I wait for him to come back to tell me more. He doesn’t. My food runs out after four days, and on the fifth I’m starving yet again.

Then I hear it, footsteps that don’t sound like Derrick’s. I’ve gotten to know what his sound like after all this time. How long has it been? Two weeks? By my count that’s how long, but I could be wrong. The door is kicked open, and he is standing there. My savior wrapped in black. My devil who also sins.

CHAPTER 26

doesn’t speak as he walks in. Connick H esteps over and picks me up and walks me straight out of there. I don’t say a word. I have no idea what to say because I’m too weak. He places me in his perfect car, and I feel even dirtier than I already am. It doesn’t seem to bother him as he starts the engine and drives off. As he grips the steering wheel, I notice his hands are bruised, but he drives us out of here as quickly as he can. He starts to reach for his shirt, pulling it over his head then placing it on me. Covering me up, so my naked body isn’t there for everyone to see. My eyes are slowly closing then opening, I must be drifting in and out of consciousness. Then the car comes to a stop and I hear his door open and shut. Then I hear the sound of men talking. I can’t turn my head to see, but the minute he

pulls my door open cold air hits my skin and I wince. He brushes some hair away from my face, leans down and kisses my forehead, whispering something I don’t understand. My head rolls to the side and that’s when I see a man that’s dressed like a doctor. He grabs at my arm, that no longer have cuffs, pulling it away from my body, then he stabs me with something. Before I can pull my hand away, Connick is gripping me making me unable to move. He hushes me, then strokes my hair with his large hands. Trying to keep my eyes open, I see now that I’m on some kind of drip, that’s placed on a hook above the door, then the door closes. He drives all through the night without one word. I fall asleep exhausted next to him without asking one single question.

I WAKE to him making loud noises. Sitting up, I watch him pulling everything from his closet. He doesn’t notice I’m awake as he destroys the floor and his beautiful walk-in closet. Everything is being thrown to the floor. All his suits that were hanging are now in a pile, his shoes on the floor as well. He’s standing with just a towel around him and nothing more, as he takes whatever anger he has

out on his closet. I’m confused and dirty. How long have I been asleep for? Turning, I see a tray full of food, fruits and water sitting next to me. Still dressed in nothing, I pull the sheet up and take a slice of watermelon. It tastes good on my lips and feels better in my stomach. Looking around, I have clothes in a neat pile at the end of the bed. Standing up, I grab them and walk to the shower on unsteady legs, not saying a word to him. Actually, I don’t even think he hears me as I go. The shower is warm on my very sore body. I can feel the bruises on my ribs and my sore lip from where Nicole hit me, and my wrists are bruised so badly from the cuffs. Washing my hair with his products doesn’t help any because it all smells of him, and his smell is not something I want lingering on me right now. I haven’t made my mind up about what to say to him or even how to say it. Will he even tell me the truth in full, or will he cut me off, only allowing me to have a few questions, like last time? Turning around ready to step out, Connick is standing there watching me. He drops his head and hands me the towel letting me cover up, then he walks out of the room without a word. How long was he watching me? I don’t like it, even if it is his eyes.

Pulling my clothes on and still feeling exhausted, I walk back into the room and straight back to the bed. Is it now, because I feel safe, that I can sleep without the nightmares? I forced myself to sleep a lot when Derrick had me prisoner in that room, just to make the time go faster, but now I’m actually physically and mentally drained. Connick is sitting at the end of the bed, his hands are running over his head as he sits there. Not saying a word, I climb in, pulling the blanket up and wondering what I will do. I’m angry at him. I don’t fully trust him. But I just know he won’t hurt me the same way Derrick has done.

YELLING WAKES ME THIS TIME, and I’m startled. Sitting up, I look around for the source but can’t see it. Connick is nowhere to be found, so I make my way out and down the stairs. As I walk into the kitchen I hear a voice, one that locks me up tight and makes me unable to move until I hear that voice getting closer and closer. His eyes land on me, and my hand reaches for the knife drawer, pulling it open, while I watch him watching me. It scares me. He sees the knife as I grip it tight, his eyes widen, then tame in an instant. “You left me… again, Mil.”

A shiver breaks out over me. “Don’t touch me.” His hand touches my face, and before I can do anything, he’s flying backward and away from me. Connick’s now standing in front of me, his hands skimming my body to see if I’m okay. I want to strangle him, push him away and stab him. He looks at me with those sinister eyes that hold so much love and hate for me, it’s a mixture between the two. Derrick’s gone the minute I turn to look for him with the only sound of the door banging as he leaves. “I love you.” Connick’s eyes go wild at my words. He doesn’t expect those words to leave my mouth, and neither do I, to tell the truth. Tears spring and run down my cheeks. I know what I have to do, but knowing and doing those two things are completely different. His chest pushes up against my knife still in my hand. “Do it, Milanka. Do it, I won’t stop you.” My heart beats fast, I close my eyes and open them again, looking up at him. Why won’t he stop me? I don’t understand, but I feel his pain. “The moment I use those words, they scare you. So, you’d rather I kill you?” He leans in close, his breath touching my face, his eyes still wild. “I don’t love, silly girl, I own. You’re owned by me, and you know it.”

Shaking my head at him, I go to tell him, no, but his finger to my lips silences me. “Those words slipped from your mouth. I forgive you. Now don’t say them again.” My hand goes to drop, but the shaking makes me hold on tight. “I can’t let you do it. I won’t. And if I have to save myself from you, I will, Connick. I’ll pick me because no one else has.” He nods his head and stays still. I do what I never thought I could do…

SAVAGE RECKONING: BOOK TWO

Copyright T.L Smith 2017 Savage Reckoning by T.L Smith Book 2 All Rights Reserved This e-book is a work of fiction. Any references to real events, real people, and real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the Author’s imagination and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, organizations or places is entirely coincidental. All rights are reserved. This book is intended for the purchaser of this e-book ONLY. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the express written permission of the Author. All songs, song titles and lyrics contained in this book are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.

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This e-book contains sexually explicit scenes and adult language and may be considered offensive to some readers. This e-book is intended for adults ONLY. Please store your files wisely, where they cannot be accessed by under-aged readers. Cover – RBA Photographer- Perrywinkle Photography Edited – Swish Editing Proofread – Contagious Edits Formatting - Angels-Indie-formatting

BLURB

She was everything, yet she was nothing. She was there, then she wasn’t. I didn’t expect her, never wanted her. But there she was, everywhere yet nowhere. She drew me in with her looks. Locked me with her first words, then stole me with her lust. She was everything I didn’t know I was searching for, yet nothing I needed. She was a conundrum, difficult and confusing. One who was impossible of staying away from.

PROLOGUE C ONNIC K

T

o love someone else, you must first love yourself—or so the saying goes. I love myself, there is no mistaking that. I’ve worked exceptionally hard to be where I am today and everything I have accomplished I’ve gotten to that place by myself. Yet her—I don’t even know where to start. Understanding what she wants and needs doesn’t process in my thoughts as it would someone else. I want her for her, not the attached emotions that are connected with her. So why does she ask for them? Why must she try to pull those emotions from me? Is this the reason why I’ve never bothered forming any kind of relationship, because I don’t like the way they go? The terrible thing is that I like

being with her even if it’s not what she wants, and I want to keep it that way even if she doesn’t. She will come to see I’m right, that the way I want things is what’s best for both of us. Because we are both as fucked up as one another, at least I can admit that. Now I just have to make her see the same thing.

CHAPTER 1

C ONNIC K

lips are moving, she’s saying M ilanka’s something, but I don’t recognize nor want to hear it. If I could shut her up, I would, in an instant. I don’t want to hurt her any further than what’s marred on her body. Bruises kiss her beautiful soft skin. Scars touch those places trying to lock in her pain. Milanka’s beautiful green eyes hold me captive and are so full of emotion that I can’t look for long. When she went missing, I thought she had run from me like she’s done before. Then I went to her work and knew she hadn’t run, rather, something had happened. It was days later when I finally connected the dots, and even then, after figuring it all out, finding information was hard. Derrick is my brother. He is the sole reason Milanka’s in my life.

Yet, it has nothing to do with him at all. I saw the appeal, the appeal of her. Most men do just from looking at her. She uses her allure for lustful gain and pleasure—sexual gratification, in particular. In the beginning, Milanka wasn’t there for me to go after. I was there purely to scare her, freak her out just a bit so when Derrick came back, she would trust him. Derrick’s a fucking idiot, and if he weren't my brother I would have killed him a long time ago. The debate on that is still up in the air. Especially after what Derrick did to Milanka. How he hid her from me. It’s totally unacceptable. She’s scared of Derrick. That much is obvious. I wonder if she’s scared of me? The knife is still in her hand, and I lean forward, pushing on it. Milanka may as well stab me with it than say those words again. She shouldn’t be saying them at all—I’m evil. Just like he is. Maybe even worse so. Derrick was here this morning while she slept. He knew I had her and wanted her back. I wasn’t going to let him take her from me this time without her consent, and that I knew she would never give him. His hands were on her as she came down the stairs. My heart fell in my chest, and something happened, anger took hold of me at seeing that in real life. I grabbed and threw Derrick as far as I

could. The look on her face was pure anguish— Milanka didn’t want his hands or him anywhere near her. Derrick muttered something as he left, and I knew it wouldn’t be long until he tried coming back for her again. The way she’s looking at me right now—she’s lost. It’s the same way I remember her being all those years ago in his house when we were teenagers. I was almost an adult—being older than both of them—I was days off of my eighteenth birthday. It was my first taste of her. The way Milanka did as Derrick commanded as soon as the words left his mouth, it was like she was a zombie. She never saw anyone else when she was with him. It was like she was in a trance. Open eyes, but seeing nothing. Derrick would pass her around like Milanka was his own personal toy to all his friends. He even offered her to me that night. I shook my head but watched them in fascination. He would always hold her somewhere, keeping her locked with his hands tightly and she would stand there staring out at nothing. Milanka was beautiful then—hidden, but very beautiful. Derrick was spoiled, he always has been. Getting everything he wanted when he wanted it, he became tainted. His mother was never home,

and our father was always away on business trips, so he had the house to himself most of the time. I wasn’t raised with Derrick. Actually, the only times I saw him were on vacations. My world was completely different, living in my father’s condo in the city with a nanny while he went back to his other family, his new wife. Our father spoiled me too, though. I didn’t think one of us got more than the other, it was just how we were with it all. I received most of our father’s businesses as he got older, whereas Derrick only wanted shares so he could live comfortable in his own fucked up little world and not have to do much for the money he received. I worked hard, harder than any one of my employees. Even harder than my father did, and with that hard work came success and I was able to expand. Even in areas Derrick doesn’t know about. My mother died at a young age, and the only mother figure I knew was that of my nanny. I’ve never been in a relationship, and I’ve never been in love. None of that has interested me—until her. She’s so different, unlike any woman I’ve ever met. Milanka has so many problems that if you dig deep enough, you can bring them all to the surface. She came to me unexpectedly—much like a hurricane, fast and hard. She doesn’t see me for my skin color, nor does she see me for my physique.

I notice when she stares at me, she’s searching and looking deeper. I’m afraid that she’s found what she’s looking for and it’s something I’m not ready to give. She repeats those words again, and I want Milanka to stab me. I want her to take that knife locked in her hand and push it through my stomach. Because then she will see that love is not lust and lust is not love. She can’t separate the two. Milanka needs to recognize that there are two distinct differences because both cannot exist in my world. Only one can, and I’m pretty sure she knows which one. Milanka’s lips are so full and her eyes so green, it’s like she’s lost at the bottom of the sea. I had never been so worried until the day I found her. She was pieces of everything. Pieces that tried to fit together, just like a giant jigsaw puzzle with the wrong pieces that don’t fit. The moment I had her in my arms I could feel she felt safe. Milanka fell asleep and didn’t even wake when I carried her to my room. I was so mad, that she made me leave the morning she went missing—I was so furious that I actually left, even when I knew I shouldn’t have. I don’t try to understand the workings of her mind, it eats away at enough of her as it is. Sex is what bonds us. It’s what gives me that connection to her, but I’m afraid Milanka thinks of

it as more. Now I have her standing in front of me, doing something I never thought she’d do. Let alone to me. Yet, she does it anyway. And I’m powerless to stop it. It comes like a bullet, powerful and strong, tearing you apart from the inside out.

CHAPTER 2

C ONNIC K

The Day at the Coffee Shop The past… seen her before, but hadn’t approached I had her. But today, I needed to make conversation. She appeared like she didn’t want to be there. I’d been watching her for a while now, had her under surveillance, and she’d never used that cell she was clutching in her hand. She was probably the last person who would use a cell, ever. Standing outside looking in, I contemplated not going in. I knew the moment I did, it would change the course of our paths. One would affect the other, and I just wasn’t sure how large of an effect it would have on me. Walking in and pulling the seat out at her table,

it took her a moment to realize I was there. She looked up at me then averted her eyes straight away. Was she shy? Everything I had learned and picked up from her had not led me to believe she was shy at all. “Are you waiting for someone?” She looked again, her eyes skimming me fast before she looked back down, avoiding me. She answered with a timid, “Yes,” and that’s all that left her lips. I couldn’t stop staring at her mouth, it was so sensual. Her lips were full, and the things I wanted to do with them I couldn’t say out loud or else she would be scared off. Or would she? I waited for her to look up, but she didn’t. So, I asked another question, wondering if she would talk more. Open up. If I could scare her. “Tell me something… why here?” She contemplated my words. I wanted to reach across the table, take her by her hair, drag her to my car and fuck her. Instead, I sat with my hands crossed in front of me, where I could see them, where I could trust them. “She prefers me to be social.” Attitude pulled from her lips at that moment. She didn’t like people that were more than obvious. I got that. “You aren’t social?” Her eyes locked on mine now, those crystal green orbs holding me captive. Did she not know her beauty? It was quite deadly to be close to her.

“I don’t like people.” Same, same, was all my mind thought as those words left her mouth. “Yet, here you sit, talking to me… a person…” She was indulging me. I wondered if she were doing so because she believed she’d never see me again. I wanted to laugh at that thought because she would, she just wouldn’t realize why she was seeing me again. She wouldn’t be able to connect the dots because they were too hard to connect. She told me she planned to never see me again and that was the only reason she was indulging in our conversation. I wanted to laugh at her. We were only just starting, we weren’t over, not yet anyway. She looked down at her cell after telling me how boring her life was. I noticed the doctor come in, I knew it was time to move without being seen by either. What a waste of a year that would be if I were caught, but I’m not someone who gets caught. I’m the silent but deadly killer. Yes. Killer. It was my first choice when I rebelled from my father. It was why I love fitness so much. I’d mixed with the wrong people at the wrong time. Those people who had offered me large amounts of money for something I was good at—killing. Who knew? My brother sure as shit knew, that’s for sure. He used it as his leverage, blackmailed me into doing some of his dirty work,

so he would keep my secret from our father. Our father was a straight shooter. He had no regard for bullshit. Having a son that had taken the lives of others would have been unacceptable for a son who now owned and ran most of his companies. Clauses… they are bitches, and he snuck them in wherever he could, even on his own child. My hands hadn’t choked the life out of someone for years. Instead, they had stayed to themselves, and if I needed something done, I had people who would do it for me. This, though, wasn’t a contract to kill. He blackmailed me to watch Milanka, to scare her. I’d been watching and studying Milanka for over a year. She was nothing like any other girl I knew. She noticed when men stared at her and did not act shy for the attention. She either wanted it most of the time and took it in her hands, or she walked away without a single thought of that person. There was never an in-between. It was always one or the other with Milanka, and I liked that about her. How she could use what she had with no games or strings attached. She was like a beautiful conundrum. “Where is she?” Derrick’s voice was annoying as it came through the phone while I stood outside watching her talk to her doctor. “Coffee.” Derrick went to say something else, but I didn’t

listen as I watched. Milanka didn’t want to be there, but she respected her doctor. She’d tried to smile a few times, but it failed on her lips. “Get it done, now.” I hung up on him, not bothering to reply. Would it be easier to just kill him? We weren’t close, never had been. But Derrick was, after all, my brother, who was obsessed and sick in love with this woman who either had no idea or didn’t care. I needed to know which it was. Walking away, my car door opened and a woman slid in who was possibly worse than I was. Harlin was not someone to play with or fuck with. Maybe I should let her play with Derrick, I’m sure we would all love that, especially her. She was cleaning out her nails in the car with a knife, one side of her arm was covered in ink, and her nose ring glittered when the sun hit it. “Harlin… to what do I owe this pleasure?” Her lips were bright red as she smiled at me, still with the knife in her hand. “I need some money…” She was straight to the point, never sugarcoating anything, never needed to. Pulling out my cell, I got ready to transfer the funds to her—that was before she spoke. “Who’s the brunette?” Hard eyes fell on her, and she smiled, almost laughed. And I forgot for a second how good Harlin was, how she always picked up on everything.

“How much?” “Two-hundred thousand.” “Done. Now leave.” Leaning over, she kissed my cheek, leaving her mark there before she pulled away, opening the door and climbing out. Before she shut it, she leaned back in. “I’d be careful. I saw the way you watch her. Don’t want to catch feelings, Connick. That could be bad.” Slamming the door shut with a smile, I watched as she walked away with her high heels clicking on the pavement as she went. Harlin did my dirty work. She carried out whatever I told her to do but only to an extent. She’d taken over my dirty work years and years ago. And she’d been a loyal ally since I took over everything my father owned. Though, she was not someone I wanted to cross, either. Her temper was bad, but her strike was even worse. So, neutral was what we were. And when she wanted money I was more than happy to give it to her, because I knew she would pay me back one way or another. Her car pulled away, and I took one last look at Milanka, who was sitting in the same spot, her hands were in her lap, moving and crunching her knuckles. Her hands were always moving. It was a tell with her, and I quite liked knowing it, even if Derrick was the one to tell me about it.

“WHEN YOU VISIT HER WORK, I suggest you change.” Cherry’s voice came from behind me as she entered my office. Sitting in the seat available, the one she usually sat in, I tucked my cell into my jacket pocket. “Why should I change?” She eyed me up and down, then raised an eyebrow. “For one… it’s basically a redneck pub, not a high-end New York pub. Second… you want to appeal to her, not frighten her with your money. Third… you need to tell me the real reason I’m watching a brunette. Have you fucked her and she’s gotten you hooked?” Her right eyebrow stayed raised as she watched me and waited for my answer. “Cherry…” Her eyes widened at my use of her name. “Stop asking and do what I pay you to do.” She saluted me then gave me the finger as she laughed and walked out the door. Opening the closet in my office, I found a decent set of clothes that wasn’t a suit, changed and walked out to Cherry who whistled and threw me a black hat. Looking at it, she told me, “You’re too intense. Don’t frighten her, so just wear the hat.” “I’m not going tonight,” I told her placing the hat on my head, she eyed me suspiciously. “She may not see you tonight, but very soon she will.” Cherry turned away and all her words

were right. I couldn’t see her just yet, I had to give her time to breathe. She was a woman that needed time to breathe, so tonight I was just going to look. Because that was what I was good at, watching. Every night. Like a fool that couldn’t seem to get enough, yet I had no idea why. She was intriguing, beautiful, there was no denying that. And complicated, that was what Milanka was most of all. You could tell by the way she carried herself, and if you watched long enough you could see it in her eyes. Every shift, I would be somewhere, I guess in the same way Derrick was. I didn’t stay for long, being there for her end of shifts after I finished work. I was telling myself it was to make sure Milanka got home alright, yet I knew that was a lie. What fucked up minds we had. What a fucked up world we lived in. What fucking kryptonite she was…

I PLANNED to see her face to face tonight. No more drive-bys as she finished work, tonight I was going to go in. I was going to let her see me. Dressing in the outfit Cherry suggested, I was glad she did when I walked in. This wasn’t my usual crowd, it was lower class. More laid back, mine are all suits and business talk. This wasn’t anything like that.

Spotting her straight away was the easiest part because she stood out like no other woman had stood out before. It was like she had an invisible chain I couldn’t recognize, pulling me in without my consent. Looking away, I wanted to see the people who recognized her, who actually saw her. People appreciated the way she looked, they were drawn to her, but none saw her the way she was meant to be seen. Slow. Taken in. Like a fine wine. That was when you could really value the beauty in her. Milanka looked me over, the surprise was written on her face. Just as I turned so our eyes could meet, she spun around and walked to the next available table. A man walked up to her and when her eyes landed on him and a name fell from his lips, her whole body locked tight. It was all going exactly as I had planned. He talked to her as if he wanted to see her again. Maybe he does? But I won’t allow that. He was a pawn in my game, and games I liked to play well—I’m an expert. I walked up behind Milanka when his hand touched her. Her eyes widened, and a part of me wanted to leave it, to see what she would actually do. I was not quite sure how to read her yet, but I

had this feeling that she could handle herself. She must be able to handle herself considering how she was raised. Then I wondered if it was all an act—to show a helpless woman, yet she was anything but. Standing directly behind her, the dickhead’s eyes landed directly on me, and he knew it was time to stop and walk away. That was what he was being paid for. Before she got a chance to see me, I left and headed straight outside for her car. Standing out there for a few hours, I contemplated the right way to go about this. At the moment she opened her mouth, when she was standing in front of me, I knew I was about to give her what she wanted. I knew I was about to fuck her, and I was about to brand her. What I didn’t realize at the time was just how addictive she was.

CHAPTER 3

C ONNIC K

The present…

THOSE WORDS—I never once thought they would leave her mouth. Yet, Milanka repeats them, again and again, with the knife held firmly at my stomach. I want her to stab me. She looks shocked when I tell her to do so. I didn’t think she could love me. I never thought I could love her. I’m still not sure. Milanka looks at me like I’m her savior, but I know I’m anything but that. Then she does the most torturous thing. Her lips land on mine, but the knife stays clutched in her hand on my stomach. I’ve had a taste of her before, it was short and

sweet, but never got anything back from her. This is the first time she’s kissed me. This is the first time I feel everything she’s feeling for me. I want to scream at her. Is she stupid? She must be! Milanka must know things now Derrick has had her. He told me to stop and stay away from her, but I refused him which made him angrier. Then he didn’t wait for his stupid plan to pan out, that’s why he took her so fast, because he didn’t like what was happening between us. When I finally got to her, I noticed all the bruising and marks and I didn’t know what to do. So, I let her sleep and sleep until I could no longer watch her. I tore my closet apart making room for whatever she needed to fit in there, to make it hers not mine. She thought I was mad, I noticed the look on her face. Then she was in the shower, touching her bruised body, and I almost lost it. I had to walk away and not take a second longer. Now, her lips are on me, even though she knows most of my secrets to do with her. My hands wrap around her neck as I pull her into me, kissing her, marking her, claiming her, in all my falseness just so she can understand that it’s wrong. We don’t love. People like her and me. We’re too broken, too fucked to love. We take pleasure in other people’s lust for us and ride it out in the form

of sex. And we do that well. Fuck. It’s our specialty. But her lips aren’t kissing me like that, they’re kissing me as if she’s trying to change. Trying to be someone she isn’t. She can’t lie to me. Not to me. I see her, for all she is. Just as she sees me, and stays all through my bad. We are both as stupid and idiotic as one another, yet crazy for what we get from each other. My hands thread through Milanka’s hair. She moans into my mouth and I’m glad she’s never kissed me before. I’m pleased that she waited until now. I would have been fucked long ago with the taste and sensual way her lips feel against mine right now. Absolutely fucked from all things her. She realizes what I’m doing the moment she feels it. Trying to pull back but I won’t let her, her lips stop moving but mine don’t as I drag her into me, holding her in place. She bites my lip causing blood to ooze, and then she manages to pull her head back away from me. Her eyes are wide, her lips puffed and bruised from the contact with my lips. I want to kiss her again. “You did it! Why did you do it? Is it that you chose everything over this?” Stepping back, her hands now free, Milanka wipes at her eyes as a tear

slips out. There’s so much strength in one little woman. “I told you not to say it. Then you did… what you never should have done.” My words are frigid, my lips instantly cold from her departure. I hear the blood dripping onto my floor and look down. Is that my blood? I place my hand across the wound and notice that there’s blood oozing through my fingers, which is clutching to the wound. Searing pain rips through my abdomen, and I finally realize Milanka’s pushed the knife into me. “Should I go? Is that what you want?” “I didn’t want that. I wanted you as you were.” “As I was? As a sex slave for you?” Milanka’s top lip picks up and I know straight away she’s pissed. “Why must we be more? What is wrong with what we have?” She shakes her head. “There’s nothing… nothing wrong, till the lies started creeping out. Then you fought harder for me. So, don’t stand there and say this is me. You should have let me be. You should have done all your shady business, and let me be,” she screams the last part. “You were my shady business. And I would do it all again.” “Fuck you! You sound just like him right now.” She looks around and spots her keys on the counter. Reaching across, she grabs them and clutches them

in her hand then she looks at me. “You can’t love me, Milanka. You can’t. It’s all a lie. You want what I can give you. That’s all. Stop thinking it’s love. People make that shit up, so we have something to look forward to in our future. It’s all a fucking lie.” She steps forward as I start to feel light headed, lifts her foot and kicks me over, so I fall down. Landing in my own blood, I slide a little, and she stands over me with a smile as she watches. “Fuck you, and him. I’ll call an ambulance once I’m gone, you fuckhead. Find me when you can admit to it. Because despite what word vomit leaves your mouth, you love me, too.” She walks out the door and I don’t move. I should try to stem the bleeding, stop myself from passing out which is about to happen, but I do nothing other than lay there wondering how the fuck we got ourselves into this fucked up situation in the first place.

SOMEONE IS KICKING ME, so I open my eyes to see Harlin standing over me. She smiles, looking down at me. I move my hand to touch my stomach and notice the knife has been replaced with stitches. “So should have let you bleed out, but then I remembered I need to get paid.” She laughs as she walks off into the kitchen and starts pouring herself

a drink. Once she has it, she jumps up and sits on my spotless counter, crossing her legs with boots on her feet. “I told them to leave in case you were wondering. Figured I could patch your ass up myself. I have adequate experience since I have to fix myself regularly enough.” She throws something on the ground to me with a bottle of water—Advil —and then she smiles. The door opens, and Cherry walks in. She spots Harlin, shakes her head, and walks to me, helping me up off the floor. “Harlin, I warned you,” Cherry chastises the moment my feet touch the ground. I feel shaky while taking a step, so I sit near the kitchen counter and take the Advil. Harlin holds up both her hands, one of them still with her drink firmly grasped. “I didn’t stab the boss man, I found his ass like this.” Cherry looks to me, and I nod my head in agreement with her. “Aren’t you meant to be working?” Cherry asks Harlin. Cherry likes Harlin, but Harlin is hard to deal with. She respects those that aren’t afraid of her, especially when they know what she does. “The boss texted me last night. Wants me for a job.” She raises both eyebrows with a smile. “Not that kind of job, Harlin.”

“Please, as if I would let him between my legs. I know how he is. I’m the boss in the bed, not the man. He wouldn’t be able to handle me, again.” She laughs, but it’s dangerous. “I worry about you sometimes.” Cherry walks over, lifting my shirt and assessing my stitches. “What happened?” Shaking my head, I tell her nothing, except someone has a big mouth. “The brunette is what happened.” Cherry looks to Harlin and then to me. “Milanka did this?” Nodding my head, I drop down onto the counter, closing my eyes, hoping to sleep. I haven’t slept for days, and now that Milanka’s found I think I can. Even if Milanka isn’t in my bed anymore. She soon will be. “Yeah, I saw the whole thing. That one is fiery all right. Can I be her friend?” “No, Harlin… no, you cannot be her friend. Stay away from her.” “You’re no fun. No fun at all, spoilsport.” When Cherry speaks next, I know she’s getting sick of Harlin’s games. “Tell me what happened.” “I was asleep when his jackass of a brother started yelling, and when I woke and decided to come down, Mister Chocolate over there was kissing her, while she had a knife in her hands and

pointed at his stomach.” “You let her stab you?” Cherry is now pulling at my shoulder, so I have to look up. I shrug my shoulders not answering her. I forgot about Harlin’s room here, she hardly ever uses it, and when she does, I never know she’s here. How the fuck did I become friends with women and not men. Especially these two. “No more… no more playing your brother’s games. If he wants to blackmail you, Harlin can handle him.” “He won’t let me. I’ve offered before… for free, you know.” “You aren’t killing my brother, Harlin,” I say, sitting up looking at her. “Well, you do it then. He’s a douche anyway. Someone has to put him out of his misery.” “I agree with what Harlin says.” “Of course you do,” I mutter placing my head back down. “What did he do to her?” Cherry asks quietly. “He hurt her. That’s enough.” “Exactly! Now dispel him from you and her.” “There is no us,” I state. “Bullshit,” Harlin mutters. Sitting up, I look at her. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” She smiles and shakes her head. Standing up

they both start bickering and fighting with each other, so I walk up the stairs and into my room. It feels weird not having Milanka in it. I planned to keep her, have her here forever. She wasn’t having it, just because I don’t believe in what she says. How can you believe in something that isn’t real? That’s like children believing in Santa Claus. You do so at the time because you’re a child, but soon you come to realize it’s all a bloody lie, just something told in books and fairy tales to give you hope. It’s a lie, and the sooner she sees that, the sooner we can forget all about it, and I’ll have her back in my bed.

CHAPTER 4

MILA NK A

are sore, my body is still aching. M y lipsHow did he get my car? Did Derrick give it to him? Thinking of that man makes me sick to my stomach. Opening the front door to my house, nothing has changed, yet somehow everything has changed. I’m not the same woman I was when Derrick took me. I’m not the same woman who was carried out in the arms of Connick. It hurts everywhere, not just physically but emotionally as well. Sending a message to Marina, I ask about seeing her. She doesn’t respond straight away, and that alone is odd. She’s always very prompt and is there for me every time I’ve needed her to be. Changing into my work clothes because I don’t want to be alone right now, I get ready to head out.

Today is a day I’m meant to be doing a shift. What do I say to them, though? How do I explain why I disappeared again? I love my job, and they won’t take me back again with no notice of leaving. This time I have to try, though. Yes, I want to somehow change my life, but in order to do that, I need money. Driving back to work feels like an ordinary day, except it isn’t. Yesterday, I was held hostage, today I stabbed a man that I love. How is this my life? How did I fall so far to end up this way? I didn’t expect to. I’ve tried to live normally, to have a normal life. Yes, I didn’t account for love, because I never thought I deserved it. Because I’ve never received it. Stepping out of my car hurts. My ribs are painful from where Nicole beat me. I am literally covered in bruises everywhere on my body. My face is easier to cover with makeup, the rest I covered as much as I could with my clothes. Opening the front door of the bar, I see Von first. He doesn’t smile when he notices me which isn’t unusual, and he doesn’t kick me out which I take for a good sign. “Milanka, why are you here?” Looking around I spot Serena, which is odd because she quit. She sees me and runs to give me a hug in her safe arms. I let her hold me, even though it hurts to have her arms around me.

Pulling back and looking at me, she starts to talk. “I had to cover for you. Connick said you had to go away for a family emergency.” Looking over to Von, I see he’s also waiting for my answer. The last time I spoke to him, I said to him if I went missing again to worry and call the police. I guess Connick covered for me on this one. “Yeah, I just got back. I’m so sorry.” She waves her hand and unties the apron from around her waist. “It’s no problem.” Handing it to me she turns facing Von. “I quit.” Then she walks out with a wave. Looking to Von, he looks like he’s about to blow his gasket, his lips hold in a tight line while his eyebrows scrunch together. “I’m sorry… again.” Von waves me off without a word, walking out the door she just left through. I start behind the bar cleaning up, when a hand slaps down on the countertop. Looking up, a fifty is there and a woman. She’s a beautiful woman, stunning actually. Her arm is covered in tattoos. She has a nose ring, full red lips and is staring straight at me. “You like to stab men often?” A cough comes from behind her, and Von’s eyes are wide. I pretend to laugh and look back to her when Von walks out the back. She’s smirking, and the smile is still etched on her lips. “Excuse me?” I ask her politely. She rolls her

eyes at me before she points to the scotch, so I start pouring the yellow gold, waiting for her to speak. “You’re kind of what I imagined you would be, and yet not. I thought you’d have more of a bite to you.” “Do I know you?” She takes the tumbler from my hand before I can even offer it to her. “You don’t, pretty lady, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know you.” Her words confuse me, I have no idea what she’s talking about. Taking her money for the drink, I give her the change then go to walk away to serve the next person. She watches me as I do so, sipping her drink, garnering attention from the people around her. Men try to speak to her, but she brushes them off casually as if they’re flies. “I’m not sure what they see in you. Derrick, on the one hand, is crazy. Are you crazy?” She looks me over then shakes her head as I stop in front of her on my side of the bar. “Connick, on the other hand… he is a business man. An excellent one. So, what does he see in you?” “You’re friends with them?” She laughs at me, placing her drink back on the bar. “With one, yes, the other not so much.” “What do you want?” She clicks her tongue at me. “You knifed my friend, I came to check you out.” She places more money on the counter, leaving the change where it

is. “So it’s Connick then?” “Of course it is. I wanted to kill that other scum long ago, but Connick won’t let me.” She rolls her eyes, then takes the next drink I’ve made for her. “You should… kill him, I mean.” “You would like that, wouldn’t you? I know what he did to you. Heard all about it.” My body freezes and my eyes go wide, but before she can say another word, I walk away and straight out the back into the cool night air. My hands drop to my legs, my breathing becomes heavy, and I wish I could go back in time and change everything. Including never meeting Derrick, for a start. “I wasn’t sure how to take you. On the one hand he hides his feelings for you. On the other, you’re actually stronger than you seem.” Her voice is smooth as it comes from behind me. She starts to move, and the click of her heels is heard on the pavement. Looking around, I see how she’s dressed—tight shorts and revealing top, with sky-high boots. Who is this woman? “Sexy… aren’t I?” She puckers her lips up using a kiss motion. “You know about sexy. You use it to your advantage as well, don’t you?” Looking her dead in the eyes, I fire back at her. I have a feeling she’s trying to scare me in some

way. “Why are you here… what’s your name?” I ask leaning forward. “The name’s Harlin. And yes, it matches me. I am a harlot. One you don’t want to fuck with, to be exact.” She offers me her hand and I take it to shake. “You like sex as well, don’t you? You just like to hide behind that quiet exterior you have going on.” “Sex is natural, everyone likes it.” She leans in close, so she’s right near my ear. “Not as much as we do. It’s our power trip, much like addicts. We get high from it, and when we come down, you don’t want to be around us. Am I right?” Her breath touches my ear then she steps back. How would she know that? The only person who hasn’t made me feel dirty is Connick. He’s never made me shower for hours on end to remove everything from my body including my skin. “Harlin,” a voice booms from behind her, and I know whose voice it is straight away. She turns on her heels, places her hands on her hips, drops her head to the side as she faces him. “You’ve come to ruin my fun. I was being nice, you know.” Connick looks to me then back to her. “Why are you here, Harlin? I never asked you to come.” “I was bored and I had to actually meet her,

instead of listening to you all. I’m not your pet you can keep hidden, because I will jump from the box and fuck you all up.” She waves at me with her hand as she heads for the door we came out of. The door slams shut behind her, and we’re left standing together, doing nothing but staring at each other. My hands start to fidget, and I hold back from digging my fingernails into my palms. Connick doesn’t say anything and neither do I, so I go to walk past him to leave when his hand stops me at my waist. Looking down at his hand, I want it to hold me in more ways than one, but shake my head and step back. “You’re blocking, aren’t you?” he asks. “Blocking what?” Turning to face him, his eyes are dark as he watches me. “I see what you are doing, Milanka. You’re blocking it all, aren’t you? I suspect you have gotten good at that… hiding from what’s happened.” His words hurt because they speak the truth. I don’t want to remember him, or what he did, because if I do remember every aspect— especially the first night—I’m afraid I won’t be the same. The same Milanka. How fucked am I? “Fuck you.” Pulling at his hand, I attempt to move it, I try, but it doesn’t budge. My nails start to dig into his arms, hoping he’ll remove them. He

doesn’t. “You say words from your lips, yet you don’t want me to touch you.” He’s referring to my love for him. I may love him. I may be in love with him, but I am not stupid either. And I won’t be a fool. The moment I move to try and free myself, my stomach hurts. Forgetting about my sore ribs, a squeal leaves my lips, and I instantly stay still. Connick immediately drops his arm from around my waist and steps in front of me, his hands touch my face, and his finger runs over my split lip. “Come back with me. Stay with me.” Shaking my head, his hand drops. “I can keep you safe. I can get you help.” “You can’t. You can’t help me, Connick. No one can. That’s the beauty of being me.” Walking past him, I head straight inside. Going back to the bar, the money from Harlin is still there on the counter, but there’s no sign of her. Connick steps back in a few seconds later and sits silently exactly where she was sitting. I try my best to ignore him, and not serve him at all, but it’s hard when all he does is watch me. Walking up to him, I stop in front and pour him a water. “Who is she to you?” “Harlin?” he asks, and I nod my head. “I don’t have words to describe her,” is all he tells me. “Have you fucked her? She seems pretty

invested in you.” He laughs at me, and I raise my eyebrows at him. “No, Milanka, I have not fucked Harlin. And I never intend to fuck Harlin. The only woman I intend to fuck in the future is you.” His words shock me and I can’t seem to come up with something to reply, so I walk away and serve a customer, coming back when I’m done. He isn’t done with me, though. “To describe Harlin’s part in my life, you have to understand who I am.” “I don’t know who you are?” He shakes his head at me. “You don’t… and you never fully will. So, you need to accept that.” I laugh at him. “I don’t have to accept anything. I told you already…” pointing to myself as I lean over the bar, “… I come first. Me. Do you understand that?” He goes to speak but I cut him off. “Goodbye Connick. Don’t come back ‘til you’ve figured that out, and stop keeping all your stupid secrets to yourself.”

CHAPTER 5

C ONNIC K

understand, but she’s also right. I S hecan’tdoesn’t and won’t put her first, no matter how much I want her. Leaving her work, and heading to my office to see Cherry, I notice Harlin is there, sitting on Cherry’s desk, speaking to her. She smirks when she sees me and jumps off. How does she not break her ankle in those shoes she wears? “Don’t fucking start.” My voice is hard as I walk past her and into my office. “I was good. I’ve been good. I like her. Does that count?” “Fuck off, Harlin. Now.” “Whatever.” She gives me the finger as she walks off. As she opens the door, Derrick walks in, barging past Harlin, who’s not impressed at all. She stops with her hands on her hips, and I know she’s

going to cause more trouble than good if she doesn’t keep on walking. “Stay away from her, Connick. I fucking mean it.” Taking a deep breath, I walk up close to Derrick. He’s the same height as me but I’m a larger build than he is. “Milanka?” I ask, noticing Harlin smirking behind him. She never damn well listens. “You were meant to follow her for me. You were supposed to scare her for me. Yet, you fucking fuck her like she’s yours.” I crack my knuckles and pray I don’t knock him out on my office floor, the same floor that was once my father’s.

Two years ago… HE WAS A BRAT. That’s how I’d always seen him, nothing more. Ever since we were kids, he’d gotten what he wanted, when he wanted it, without any fight. His mother was a bitch and he was her pride and joy. He was standing outside my office, waiting for me to leave. He knew when I left because I had other businesses to attend to. His hands were in his pockets, and the minute I saw him I knew he was up to something. I hadn’t seen him in over a year.

Our father’s birthday was the last time and this year I couldn’t make it. “Connick,” his voice was too nice and it instantly put me on guard. “Derrick.” He looked around keeping his hands in his pockets, then came back to me. “I need you to do something… I need you to keep it discreet.” Baffled at his request, I laughed at him. “I know things, Connick, I know what you used to do before you took all this over.” He waved his hand at the building behind us, the same one my father built up to one day give us both, but it only went to me because Derrick didn’t want to work, he just wanted the money. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” My driver pulled up, and just as I stepped up to the door, his voice came close behind me. “I know of the man… the one you killed.” Turning to face him, he was smiling, and I wanted to wipe that smile from his face. This was a game. I’d kill him too if I could. “You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? His body was found, wasn’t it? In the creek? They still haven’t found the killer, have they?” I wanted to kill him right then and possibly land him in that same creek. What I did back then was not who I was now. I was young and found a liking for doing the wrong thing with the wrong crowd. Though, in saying that,

that crowd is still to this day my biggest ally. I had killed four men in my life, each one chipped away a little at my soul. Each kill changed you more so than the last. It wasn’t something I was proud of, and it wasn’t something I planned to do again. So, for him to bring it up, made me mad, because it made me want to kill him, instead of having my people do it for me. I couldn’t afford to get my hands dirty again, with who I was now. “What the fuck do you want, Derrick? Spit it out, now.” He pulled out a photograph and handed it to me. It was a picture of the same girl I saw with him when we were young. She was a looker then, and she was even more so now. “Watch her. Scare her for me.” “Why?” He shrugged his shoulders, poking his hands back in his pockets. “Just do it. And don’t fuck her. I mean it, Connick. Do not fuck her. She is mine.” While pocketing the photo, I looked back to him. “I won’t tell Father if you do it. I’ll keep your secret.” Derrick walked away leaving me standing there. A head popped out from the car, and Harlin clucked her tongue while shaking her head. “Don’t do it. Don’t do whatever that snake wants.” She hated who I disliked, and I didn’t even know why. “Quiet, Harlin.” She gave me the finger in her

usual style as she sat back in the car while I climbed in. “Just let me do it. Let me kill him.” “Not yet.” She clapped her hands. “Finally, more of an answer than no. You know Derrick’s only using you for his own purposes. He’s a snake. You’re a lion. He just hasn’t realized that yet.” She shut up, opening her cell, then started tapping away on it. Pulling out the photo, I saw a girl who clearly didn’t know her photograph was being taken. Stopping at the club Harlin helped me run, I didn’t get out when she did. Instead, I told the driver to keep going once Harlin left the car. We drove for a good hour until I spotted Milanka. She was finishing work at some dingy bar. It actually looked unsafe, and even I wouldn’t drink there. She walked to a beat-up car, opened the door and climbed in. Her hair was up high, and I wanted to see her with it down because it looked long and full. My driver followed Milanka as she drove to a small house not far from where she worked. She didn’t even lock her car as she got out and ran up the steps, opening her door, and not looking back. After watching her like a stalker, we finally left, but I knew I’d be back tomorrow.

WATCHING MILANKA HAD BECOME my new favorite thing to do. She was quiet and primarily stuck to herself. Until today. Today she bumped into a man while she was walking to the store. She stopped and leaned down to pick up his items she had knocked over. When they both stood back up he smiled at her, and I knew why. Because she was beautiful. He looked her over when her head dropped to look down. She smirked at him, and before I knew what was happening she was following him. I followed behind because I couldn’t help myself. They stopped at an apartment. He showed her inside and she went straight in. Walking to the side, I looked through the window. She was undressing, and soon she was completely naked, standing in front of him. He didn’t waste any time as he pulled his own clothes free and pushed her onto the bed. I should have walked away, but I was fascinated by her. The way she moved so he could touch her, but she didn’t give him her mouth. The way she got on top, not once looking at him as she rode him. It seemed to be something she needed to do, instead of what she wanted to do. The moment she met her climax, she dressed fast and walked out the door, not even giving the guy a chance to catch up with her. Walking from the side and back to the front, I bumped into her, but she didn’t even look up. She was too focused on the ground, and the jacket in her hand.

A simple, “Sorry,” left her mouth, then she kept on walking without looking up. I followed her on foot all the way back to her apartment. She never looked at anyone as she walked home, or even when she arrived back at her house. My cell started ringing, and she paused at her door, then went to look back. I thought she was about to look at me, but she looked past me, then turned back around, shutting the door behind her. “Have you started?” His voice was like nails on a chalkboard. “These things take time.” “Don’t bullshit me.” I hung up on him because I didn’t need to hear his shit. Not today nor ever again. Stupid fucker. It rang again, not helping my temper one bit. “What?” My voice was hostile as I spoke into my cell. “I found the information you were looking for. Sending you through the most recent text messages that have been exchanged.” His voice cut off, and straight away my cell started beeping. Only one number illuminated that she’d exchanged texts with. Her cell information was easy to get a hold of. The history came in the next email, of all the details of the person she talked to. A woman named Marina—a doctor. Searching for Marina’s number, I decided to

make an appointment with her.

CHAPTER 6

MILA NK A

Present… stay away even when I ask him H eto.doesn’t He shows up to my house and to my work. I ignore Connick, not giving him any attention, even though that’s incredibly hard to do when I want something from him—his body. He looks better and better each time I see him, and it’s becoming harder and harder to stay away, and not take what I want from him. Because I know I could, I know Connick won’t say no to sex with me, it’s not how we’re built. But I can’t go there. That’s not going to fix us, or even fix me for that matter. Connick can’t be good for me the way he is— keeping secrets that involve me isn’t good either. I

understand we all have our demons, that’s normal, and I don’t need to know about all of them either. But the ones involving me, I definitely want to know all about. Especially, one that’s so big— Derrick’s his damn brother. If he’d have told me that from the get go, or even mentioned it, I would have never seen him again. Yet, he worked his way in, holding his secrets at bay. I’ve let things slide. Some of Connick’s secrets he’s kept and revealed later. My mother, for example, that was a massive secret I was willing to let go because it was before he knew me. But the rest, the rest is too much—they are gigantic secrets and not telling me has hurt me. Informing me who his brother is should have been high on his priority list. Walking out of my house and down the street to meet Serena, I wonder how I fell for a man who’s clearly more fucked in the head than me. He’s more devilish than anyone I know, and that includes Derrick. Derrick never lied. He may be a lot of other despicable things, but a liar just wasn’t one of them. Serena is standing out front of the coffee house with both of her kids. She’s holding one’s hand, while the other child is on her hip. The moment I reach her, she passes me her youngest, and I take him with shaky hands. She must know I’m not a kid person, but it doesn’t seem to faze her in the

slightest. “Thank God you’re here.” She picks up her other child and then starts walking. I follow behind her, holding the baby on my hip. “How’s work?” Taking my eyes off the baby, who’s staring at me like he knows my secrets, I answer her, “Good. You coming back? Von’s been grumpy without you.” She shakes her head. “No. He can whine all he wants. Fuck him, and fuck men in general.” We stop at a play center I didn’t even know was there. Just before we walk in, Serena asks me about him. “How’s your hunk? He seemed pretty worried about you when you didn’t turn up for work.” “We have too much drama and too many secrets, enough to bury us both alive.” Turning back around, I follow her in. It’s loud, and the kids run around everywhere and they’re screaming. Far too many kids for my liking. “Isn’t that the fun, though? It would be boring if you knew everything about him. Plus, some we shouldn’t really know, when you think about it.” “No, these aren’t small ones. These are secrets he should have told me.” She grabs the baby from me as we sit, and the other child runs off to play. “Von asked me not to bring this up when you were away, but I feel like I have to.”

My hands start clenching and unclenching waiting for what she has to say. Serena is the first person I’ve had who’s an actual friend. Someone I have found a connection with. A friend who listens to me. But what if she finds out things about me and doesn’t want to know me anymore? What if I’m as bad as I’ve been told all my life? What if I take the good from everyone and suck it out like a parasite? People that get close to me are crazy, homicidal, and downright not pleasant people. What if I turn her into one of them? I don’t want that for her. Maybe I should walk away now before things get worse. “Your mother came in.” My mouth drops open and my hands freeze. “She was weird. She didn’t say much. Just was asking a lot of questions about you. Which I didn’t answer because she gave me a bad feel.” “I’m sorry.” She shakes her head. “Don’t you apologize. You do that a lot? I figured you weren’t close to her the minute I mentioned your age… I lied, and she agreed. She didn’t even frickin’ know how old you are.” “I’ve seen her twice in six years, both weren’t pleasant experiences.” She kisses her baby’s head, and I wonder if

that’s how a mother’s love should be. Unconditional. I’ve never had that so I wouldn’t know. “She was asking about him… you know… Connick.” My hands start to move, my knuckles begin cracking as I push them back and forth in my lap. “Did you say anything?” I ask, looking up at her. She shakes her head. “I don’t know much. You don’t really say that much about him anyway.” “There’s not much to say,” I tell her. She raises an eyebrow at me. “A man like that and not much to say? I beg to differ. A man like that would have you all kinds of fucked up. And I don’t just mean emotionally.” She winks at me and I think it’s the first time I’ve laughed for a while. A very long while. Then her hand comes down on my knee and she leans in close before she speaks, “I see the bruises. I watch you hold your midsection when you pick up something heavy. He didn’t do that to you, did he? He didn’t hurt you?” My head starts shaking before I can even get the words out. “No, no, he would never.” “Are you sure?” I continue to shake my head. “It wasn’t him, I swear.” “I believe you, but I had to ask.”

“Thank you.” She smiles, stands, and passes me her baby, yet again. Why does she do that? And more importantly, why don’t I tell her no? I’m not a weak woman. At least, I don’t think I am. I believe circumstances made me into what I am today, but my doctor tells me all the time that I’m more than I believe. That I should start seeing it, but it’s hard when all you see is broken glass shattered all around you. She walks off to retrieve her other child, and that’s when a chair is pulled out right in front of me. Taking my eyes off of the baby, I look up to see Nicole sitting there with her daughter next to her. Nope, this is not happening. I go to move then realize I can’t. The baby is sleeping. “You don’t know when to leave, do you? Even after everything… you don’t know when to leave.” Nicole shakes her head at me in disappointment. “If I didn’t have this child in my arms and your child next to you, Nicole, this conversation wouldn’t be happening at all.” She rolls her eyes. I lean in close, so her child can’t hear what I’m about to say. “I would fucking strangle your ugly ass with my bare hands, then I would cut you open like the animal you are, you piece of shit. Fucking leave now before I change my mind.”

She moves back fast, her eyes looking wild. Then a tap on her shoulder from Serena who’s standing behind her. “You heard her… leave, whore.” “Mommy, what’s a whore?” her child asks. Serena looks down to her kid and points at Nicole. I smile at Nicole’s kid who’s oblivious with her headphones on, watching something on her tablet and hope that Nicole’s kids get looked after. “How dare you,” Nicole says, standing, and she looks between both of us. “How dare I? Seriously. Do you have a screw loose? You must, right? Considering you are sitting here wrecking our perfect day. What is it? Your boyfriend loves Milanka?” Serena crosses her arms over her chest and doesn’t realize she’s one hundred percent correct right now. I wince because she’s so right it’s amazing. “Oh my God… that’s it. You are jealous. Yet, I bet, she wants nothing to do with him and you have your panties in a twist over nothing.” She’s partially right. Except Derrick’s crazy—crazy fucker he certainly is. “She wants him, always has.” My mouth drops open. “You’ve lost it, Nicole. You need help. Just leave.” She straightens her back up then pulls at her child’s arm before she walks away. Serena shakes

her head, taking her baby from my arms. “Should I ask?” “You don’t want to know, trust me.” “But I do.” She laughs. “High school. That’s how long she’s been like this. Had this thought in her stupid head. Because the boy she wanted was with me. Well… kind of.” “Oh, first love. That’s one hell of a bitch.” I shrug my shoulders because I don’t really know. Connick’s the only man I’ve had strong feelings for in my lifetime. Ones where I can feel him deep in my bones like he has set himself in there without my permission. That’s the painful truth. “Who was your first love?” I ask hoping to take this conversation away from me. “Von. Stupid, I know.” “That’s kind of sweet.” She fake coughs. “No, it isn’t. He’s still is the same jock I fell in love with. Except, I’m the only one that grew up.” “I’m sorry.” She shrugs it off as we walk back to where she’s parked near the coffee shop. I watch as she goes, wondering if the pain in my chest Connick has caused will ever go away. Am I wrong somehow? Broken. To be more upset with Connick and that situation, than what happened with Derrick? I don’t know what to feel right now, and it

confuses the fuck out of me.

CHAPTER 7

C ONNIC K

chest is rising and falling fast. Harlin D errick’s is still standing in the doorway smiling at him, and I know if she doesn’t leave soon, she’ll do something to either make the situation worse, or possibly kill him—which is the same as making the situation worse. But that can’t happen in my office, or just yet. You see, our father knows about my hatred for Derrick, and another part of our condition with the company is that no harm may befall him before I’m thirty. I don’t know why he stipulated that clause. Father has no idea who I am, or what I used to be. Father’s company is still the largest that I own. Yes, I own others outside of his empire. And yes, I would be well-off leaving this one. But this is what I’ve always wanted—the power and the authority of what my father had built up. He was always so

proud of his achievements, and I feel the same way taking over his business. He hasn’t come in for years because he trusts me completely. Everything is so close to being fully mine, until now. Until Derrick forced me to meet Milanka, and now everything could be fucked up because I want to fucking kill him. “You think you can tell him who to see?” Harlin’s voice comes from behind Derrick. He spins around and pins her with a look. “Get the fuck out.” He waves his hand to the door, the same door she’s still standing at and not moving away from. She laughs, and it’s fake. “Harlin…” She puts her hands up in the air as a surrender. “Fine! But that thing…” she points to him, “… doesn’t deserve to breathe. And that’s coming from me.” She walks out the door, slamming it shut behind her. “Why the fuck is she still working with you?” Harlin and Derrick fucked many years ago before he knew her, or she knew him. Now, they can’t stand each other, and sometimes it’s fun to watch. But lately, they make me want to kill them both. “What did you do to her, Derrick?” I walk around my desk, sitting down, so I’m not within a hand’s reach of him.

“Who… Milanka?” I nod my head and he shakes his. “That’s none of your business what happened between us.” I slam my fist down hard, making the desk shake. “Tell. Me. What. You. Did. To. Her.” “She wouldn’t fuck me like she used to and it’s because of you.” “You raped her?” My blood is boiling now. “No, but not for lack of trying.” I’m up before I can stop myself. My hand makes contact with Derrick’s face and it isn’t a light punch either. It slams into him like a rocket, making him drop backward with blood instantly gushing from his nose. “I starved her, too. Then Nicole beat her.” Walking to my desk, I pull out my gun and aim it at him as he lays on the floor holding his nose. He is smirking at me. I shoot, missing his head on purpose and he laughs. Then I shoot again, this time straight into his foot, not missing this time. A scream rips from his throat, and I walk back to sit behind my desk, not caring at all. He thinks it’s funny to treat her like that? Well, I think it’s funny to see him crying like a little bitch. The door swings open after a few minutes while I’m working on my emails. Cherry pops her head in, looks down to a screaming Derrick, shakes her

head, and closes the door again. She couldn’t care less about him either. I don’t know one person who respects that man enough to care. Only perhaps his mother. Our father loves him, but also doesn’t trust him because he knows what he is, even when he hides it from the rest of us. It wasn’t always like this between us. Yes, granted, I’ve always thought of him as an entitled little prick. A mommy’s little boy. The age difference between us is only a few years, with me being older. When he was a teen, with Milanka, that’s when I got along with him because his parties were good and the pussy was even better. “You will lose it all, you piece of shit.” His voice screams from the floor as one hand is wrapped around his foot while the other reaches for his cell phone. Standing up, I place my gun back in the drawer and walk over to him, then bend down too fast for him to react, to snatch the cell from his hand. I know who he’s trying to call—our father. That’s what payback is to him, run to our daddy. I won’t allow it, haven’t for a long time, but now he’s pushed every button possible. The door opens again, this time Harlin and one of her men walk in. Cherry must have called her back up because they reach for a fighting Derrick, but his fists don’t connect with either of them, and he screams as they carry him out. Derrick once thought I owned Harlin. I have

owned several women for many reasons, mostly due to not being able to pay back what they were indebted to me. Harlin? No, you can’t own her. Fuck! You can’t make her do jack shit unless she wants to. Holding onto Derrick’s leg and giving an extra squeeze to his injured foot, Harlin pulls the door shut as she walks out. Hiding my laugh, I think back to how I came to own Milanka’s mother. What a twisted bitch she is.

I DIDN’T KNOW who she was. She owed money to one of my clubs. A significant chunk of cash which had to be paid back. They all got a caution when they borrowed too much. That caution involved them being owned if they couldn’t pay me back. A warning was also issued that they shouldn’t even think about trying to get away with it, there were consequences. We had people everywhere and knew almost everyone who owned bars in this region. So, there was no escaping the warnings and the resultant action of those warnings. It was ultimately their call as to what happened to their lives. She was beautiful in the dark, I thought so anyway. It was the hair, it reminded me of someone until she turned and opened her mouth. Seeing as I

now owned her, she was now to work at one of my sex clubs full-time. She was a willing participant and dressed like a whore without even being asked. Ana—I’d found out her name—was willing to do anything to pay off her debt. Even pushed herself on me a few times with a resounding no being uttered from my lips. Derrick came in one night. Actually, he was too much of a frequent visitor, and that was when I discovered who she was—the mother of the girl who he asked me to follow and scare. I didn’t think anything of that when he told me to scare a girl, it wasn’t like I was going to hurt her. Or even hand her over to him. It was just something to do to keep him away from my company. To which I still hadn’t done. So now we had the mother, and soon I would meet the girl. I wondered what she looked like now. Was her hair still as black as the night sky? I only saw her once, and that was enough for me to take notice back then. Seeing her now was slightly terrifying me because not many women could stop me in my tracks. Though, if she were anything like her mother, it would be an easy job to do and walk away from. “I want her,” Derrick said when he looked at the mother through the frosted glass window while she was being fucked. Not all my participants were clients, some we set up the scene with pretend

participants, to get them going to use the club. And they did. It always worked once they saw someone fucking. “You can’t,” I told him, walking away from her screen. People were starting to walk up to watch. He followed like an errant child who had lost his lolly. “I need her, Connick.” I stopped and turned back to him. “What the fuck could you possibly need that woman for?” “Because I can use her to get to her daughter.” I shook my head at him and continued walking out of the club. Ana would be working all night, and again the next few nights, then doing whatever it was we needed for her to do after that. “You’re one sick prick, do you know that? You can have her if she wants to go to you after she’s paid me back.” He pulled money from his pocket. “I’ll pay you for her. I’ll pay her debt.” Shaking my head, I looked around outside in the dark before we spoke again. “It doesn’t work like that, Derrick. I own her. What don’t you understand? You will not buy her ‘til I want to sell her, or have no further use for her, or if she has paid me back… in full. It’s a deterrent, and you erasing her indebtedness would not earn the respect I need to show everyone else.” He pushed his money back into his pocket. “I

love her.” I laughed at him as I walked away to my car. I heard Derrick’s steps racing up behind me. “You wouldn’t know love. So, don’t fucking laugh, you prick.” Opening my car door, I turned to face him before I got in. “You don’t know love either, you ass. This woman doesn’t love you. Otherwise, she would be with you. Stick to the piece of ass that has your kid. That bitch loves you.” Stepping into my car, I sat down, and before I could shut the door he stopped me. “You’ll see. Milanka will be mine and you’ll wish she was yours.” He laughed as he walked way. I really hate that prick.

LOOKING UP, I see Cherry standing at my desk, her hand in front of my face clicking her fingers. “Off with the fairies, are we?” she asks. “Yeah. What did you need?” “She booked a trip. Milanka leaves in two days.” I stand abruptly and my chair flies backward. “I think you should let her go. At least for now. I mean, isn’t that what Derrick did… try to tell her what to do, and own her? You don’t want to scare her more if you want her back?”

“Where is she going?” “Bahamas.” I pinch the bridge of my nose, my white shirt has spots of blood on it thanks to Derrick’s nose bleed earlier. My tie is loose, so I pull it off. “Upgrade her flights. Upgrade her room. Upgrade whatever else needs upgrading.” “Already did.” She smiles, walking away. “You scare me sometimes, Cherry.” I hear her laugh as she shuts the door behind her. Changing my shirt, I pull my cell from my pocket and scroll over her number. I want to call and hear her voice. I wonder how she is. Is she feeling better? Has she gotten some help? Because despite how together she is on the outside, Milanka is very broken on the inside.

CHAPTER 8

MILA NK A

left the kids with Von and arranged a S erena weekend away for us. She’s been asking me for weeks what happened to me, and I haven’t been able to speak of it. Now though, she is a friend. I have a friend. A proper one and it feels weird but good. So, one night after a movie at her house, she asked again, and I relented finally and told her parts of the story. The crazy ex-boyfriend. How he took me and locked me away. Her face was utter shock when that little statement left my mouth, and now I think she wants to kill him more than I do. It makes me smile because I guess that’s what having a friend is all about. Someone else caring for you, so you’re not by yourself in this cruel world. I chose not to tell her how long he held me captive, or what happened while I was away in that

trailer because I don’t even want to remember. It pushes memories into my brain that I want to bury. Lock them deep inside my consciousness, so I don’t have to deal with the pain. Let’s face it, I’m hoping to never see that man again, and if I do, I think I may be locked away for good. Derrick isn’t a man that brings out the best in me, he’s quite the opposite, actually. More like he brings out the worst. Nothing about ever being near him has been good for me, even when I was young and thought that he was possibly better than what I had, but I was so wrong. A zebra never changes its stripes and he sure as shit couldn’t. So now we’re off to the Bahamas for a vacation, my first vacation ever. Serena booked it all and told me to not worry or pay a cent. Supposedly her parents have money, and to make up for never seeing or caring about her, they send her a holiday every year for two which she’s never taken due to having the kids at home. When I slipped some money into her purse, she was angry and I couldn’t believe it. Serena’s a single mother and supports both her children with help from Von. I didn’t want her to pay for me. She quickly got over it once she forced me to take the money back, and now we’re at the airport, ready to check in and be on our way. Von was not so happy when she dropped the kids off to him with their bags and said he had them

all weekend. “He is their father. Gosh, what does he expect?” She shakes her head as we hand over our passports to the attendant at check-in to allocate our seat reservations. “Two first-class tickets.” The attendant smiles, handing back our tickets, and my mouth drops open. When I look to Serena her mouth is open as well. Then her head starts shaking. “I didn’t book first-class, you need to recheck that.” The attendant’s eyebrows scrunch together as she starts tapping and carrying out her checks. I’m guessing most wouldn’t argue with first-class, but I wouldn’t know as it’s my first time flying. “Your tickets were upgraded yesterday.” She hands them back, and Serena won’t take them. I accept them and pull Serena away. “Who did that? Do you know who did that? Von couldn’t afford this. Yes, he has money but he would never…” her head starts shaking as she trails off and I pull out my cell, then she starts again. Me: Did you do this? She’s still talking when his reply comes back fast. Connick: If it’s the upgrade, you’re welcome, Milanka. Placing my cell back in my pocket, I smile. I

knew it was him. Connick is a man with money and power. Of course, he’d know everything and want to control the situation. Part of what he’s done makes me angry and the other part makes me feel happy. “Connick upgraded us.” Turning my head away, I look everywhere but at her because I know she will say something about this ‘situation.’ “And why don’t we like him again?” We take our seats in the first-class lounge as we wait for our flight to board. “Because he’s messed up.” She laughs at my words. “Aren’t we all?” I raise an eyebrow at her. “You have an issue with sex, don’t deny it. Probably many more I’m unaware of as well. We all do, Mil. It’s just who we are as humans. It’s whether we want to live with them or not.” “He’s lied to me.” “Has he lied or just kept the truth away from you? There’s a difference, people conceal the truth so they don’t hurt those they care for. Others lie because they don’t want to be found in that truth.” Resting my chin on my hand, I look outside at the planes parked on the tarmac, and try to think of all the ‘lies’ or ‘hidden truths,’ but it’s hard when it all came out like it did. Especially, considering that Derrick is his brother. Because that’s not something I will ever forget, and I don’t know how that could

have been kept hidden from me for so long. My cell starts ringing, and when I see the caller ID, I’m not sure if I should answer it or not. Because what do I say? How would I even say it? And the biggest question of all, why am I still thinking of him when he clearly should be on my ‘never to see again’ list? I’ve done it before. It’s been my motto to not have a steady relationship and to only get what I need from random hook-ups. Yet, somehow, I fell into the net that is Connick. Placing my cell to my ear, I hear his voice straight away. I notice Serena get up and walk away, obviously to give me some privacy. “Do you plan to answer me, Milanka?” What did he say? I was lost in his voice the second he spoke. “What do you need, Connick?” “Will you talk to me again, Milanka?” I have to close my eyes and fight the urge to tell him to come to me, that I need him even though he scares me. “Maybe… maybe not.” “I see…” is the only response I get from him in return. “Is that all, Connick?” “Should I kill him? Do you want me to kill him for you? Will that make you feel better? Perhaps safer?” It’s not the exact same words Derrick used, but

it has the same promise. “No, I just wish to never see him again and…” I stop myself from speaking the words that are on the tip of my tongue. “And me,” he finishes my sentence for me. “You said it. You put you first. We were, and will only ever be, bed partners. How about when I need a fuck, I’ll call you.” I hang up the cell as Serena comes back and sits down next to me. I’m glad she doesn’t ask what’s wrong or even try to talk to me, and I’m even happier when I’m able to fall asleep on the flight.

OUR FIRST DAY WAS BEAUTIFUL. This Island is stunning, and the water is unlike anything I’ve ever seen other than in movies. We’ve packed everything in for the weekend, and today is our last day. This morning, we swam with the sharks, and now we’re on the beach playing with the pigs. Pigs on a beach—who would have thought? When we arrived, our room was upgraded, naturally. Not just from our double room—no. It was upgraded to a room on the top floor that was so large we were stunned. Serena couldn’t believe it. I, on the other hand, wanted to go back to our smaller room. I’m not like him. I don’t need large amounts of space or extravagant things, and although first

class on the plane was nice, I would have been just as happy to sit at the back of the plane as well. Serena wouldn’t stop talking about him, and I asked her nicely to discontinue after she gushed and gushed at how much he spoils me, and she wished she had someone to do the same for her. Does she really know what she’s talking about? Because I’ve had it before, I think he forgets that. Derrick did the same thing, and he basically bought me without me really understanding that was happening. So yes, the thought of someone else buying me freaks me out and makes me want to go the other way–as far away from that person as humanly possible. I feel love for Connick, I won’t deny that. But with everything he’s doing and everything that he’s done, I don’t know what to make of it all. “I don’t want to leave,” she says as we sit down basking in the sun with our feet in the warm sand. Looking up to the sky, I can see why. It’s perfect here. I’m very tempted to stay and never return home. How I wish that were possible. “Thank you for this, it’s very kind of you.” Turning to Serena, I see her smile, and she pats my hand. “I can’t take all the credit, he did pay for most of it.” I ignore that and try to not focus on her words or even the meaning of why he’s done this for us.

“If this is reality, who could ever be sad?” I muse to myself. “I’m sure the happiest people aren’t as happy as you think they are,” she says, standing. My cell starts ringing and I check the caller ID. Ignoring the call, it starts again. He’s persistent with me. If anything, normally he’s a distant man, only coming for you when he needs you. He can’t need me because I’m not there. After the third ring, I choose to answer it because I can’t let my phone ring like this—it’s annoying to other people around me. His voice says my name, and I try to not fidget with my hands as he does. “Milanka…” He waits for my reply. “Yes.” “I need you to come see me as soon as you land.” “No.” I don’t even know why he would ask that of me. “Milanka, you have to come to me. This isn’t about us.” “You won’t bring anything up about us?” He huffs into the cell and I know I’ve made him angry, and, despite myself, a smirk touches my lips. “I promise. Not on this one occasion. So, I will see you at five when your plane lands. My driver will be waiting for you.” Before I can say no, my cell goes silent and I

know he’s hung up on me. Serena is watching me with a smile on her face. “I saw the smirk, that’s all I’m going to say,” she says, standing with a great big grin on her face, then walks off, leaving me standing there. I don’t know what he wants to talk about, but I do want to know. Especially, since it has nothing to do with us. It has me intrigued and slightly freaked out at the same time for seeing him. Because I still want him. And placing a bird in front of a lion—what happens to that bird? It gets fucked up by that badass lion, that’s what. And I think that’s what will happen with me. Me equals bird. Connick equals a badass, hotass, motherfucker of a lion. God help me.

CHAPTER 9

C ONNIC K

steps out of the car, and I have to M ilanka keep my hands at bay so they don’t touch her. All she has on is a pair of jean shorts and a white singlet top. Her long dark hair flows down in waves and all I want is to pull it while I fuck her. Fuck! She walks up to me, looking me straight in the eye, and I wonder where all that confidence has come from. Has it always been there, and I just haven’t seen that much of it? In the bedroom, yes, she matches any man on any level. But out, she’s always fidgeted with her hands, trying to not gain attention. Well, she’s silly if she thinks she doesn’t garner any attention because, from the first time I saw her, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Milanka drops her bag onto the floor outside of my office building and stands there, crossing her

arms over her chest. Mistake, because it just raises her tits up and takes my eyes straight to them. Fuck, I miss them. “Talk. I have to go home.” Raising my eyes to look at her, I instantly want to know what it is she’s hiding behind those green eyes. “In my office.” Reaching down, I grab her bag and begin walking before realizing she isn’t following me. “Milanka, do you need assistance?” “Assistance?” Her eyes drop back to me as she asks. “Do you need me to lift your sweet ass up and carry you to my office?” She shakes her head. “Can’t whatever you have to say be said here?” “Assistance it is then.” Dropping the bag, I stride toward her, ready for my hands to be on her, when she puts me at arm’s distance with her hands out. “I can walk.” Nodding my head, I turn to pick up the bag, slightly disappointed in the fact that I can’t touch her. We take the elevator and she strides to the back and away from me. “Did you enjoy your vacation?” “I did.” “Do you want to go again?” “I want to go everywhere.” Short answers are all I am going to get, I realize

that now. The door opens and she follows me to my office. Cherry is sitting out front, and she smiles sadly at Milanka as I walk in, then close the door once she comes in. “What’s with Cherry’s sad face?” “I think you should have a seat.” Her hip pops out and her eyebrows raise. “No. I told you I have to go home. Now, what do you need to say?” “Your mother was found dead this morning.” Oh shit, that was probably not the right choice of words that I should have used. I only told her because Derrick wanted to tell her, and if at least I did it, then I wouldn’t have to kill him, just yet anyway. He was the one who told me. He couldn’t find Milanka which made me mad that he was even looking for her in the first place. Derrick knows not to go near her again. If he does, I will seal his fate, and it will be worse than death. Because he doesn’t deserve her. Neither do I, but I want her more. And the fact I know she wants me doesn’t help my cause because that means I will always win. Even when I shouldn’t. My hand reaches up to touch her shoulder to comfort her, and she revolts like my touch could harm her somehow. Which I would never do. I’m not him, and never will be. Her green eyes look up at me and I wonder if she will cry. “How do you know?”

I knew this question was coming, and I’ve thought of a hundred different answers, but the truth slips from my lips first. “Derrick.” Her eyes go wide, then she nods her head like she knew the answer anyway. “How did she die?” “Alcohol… drugs.” She was passed out when he found her. Derrick’s whole plan with her mother never worked out. He wanted to weasel his way back into her life and use her mother as the bait to catch the mouse, but she was smart enough not to get caught. Now it makes me wonder what else he will do now he doesn’t have her to use and abuse, because last time he took Milanka from me, it sent me into a rage of anger and panic. “I should bury her,” she mumbles, reaching for her cell in her pocket with shaky hands. “I’ve sorted it all already.” She pauses when she looks at me, going stock still. “You sorted it? Like it was your responsibility? I’m not your toy, Connick. Don’t think I’m yours, because we have both made it clear that it can’t work. We want two different things. So stop all your sorting shit and buying shit. I’m not a hooker or a floozy you can impress with your riches.” She rolls her eyes. “Just fucking stop it.” Milanka’s anger seeps from her and her body shakes with it. Even though she’s right to be angry at me, I still want to touch her, even more so now. “Stop the buying,” I say, more to myself, with a

nod of my head as I step toward her. She nods hers as well. “Stop it all,” she whispers. “Stop it all,” I repeat back to her, confirming her words. I touch her shoulders, bringing her to my arms. She doesn’t move when I have her, then she starts to relax and her body molds to mine just like it did every other time we’ve touched. I kiss her shoulder, and her hands start clinging to my shirt. Then I keep on kissing her shoulder, making my way up to her neck, waiting for her to stop me when I drag my lips painfully slow. Her hands start moving and soon she’s lifting my shirt, pulling it from my pants and sliding her hands along my stomach. My hands start doing the same and before I know it, she’s pulled away from me, and is removing her shirt then her bra. I don’t waste any time following her, removing all my clothes just as quickly. The moment we’re both naked, I take her in and never want to look at another woman the way I look at her. Never want to see another naked woman if I can only see her. She takes a step toward me but there’s something different in her eyes when she does, they seem closed off, avoiding any emotion, much like our first time together. I wonder if this is what she does to those strangers she used to sleep with. Block herself off

so they can’t see in? As of right now, all I see is a seductress and not a single ounce of Milanka. And even knowing I should do the right thing and tell her to stop and say no, I don’t. I touch her the moment she touches me, hard, with my hands on her hips. She starts to crawl to me like the lioness she is in bed. She rubs herself on me, and I can’t do anything but take it because I don’t want to scare her. But I also don’t like this side of her, this void of emotion, lost and empty vessel she portrays. Usually, she’s open and trying to dig deeper. Now all she wants is my body, and who am I to refuse her? One hand tangles in her hair, my lips graze across her skin, and my other hand is on her hip, pulling her even closer to me, more than humanly possible. I can’t get enough of her. Milanka’s nails begin digging into my skin, and the moment my hand leaves her hair to grip her ass, she’s climbing me, making it even easier as I lift her. She wastes no time, and because I’m ready as fuck from the moment I saw her, she slides down on my cock and starts moving, giving me not one moment to catch my breath. Her hands are wrapped around my neck and my hands are still holding her up, her legs wrap tightly around my waist as she moves. The small noises that leave her mouth make me snap out of the confusion of need and makes me lift her and take back control of the

situation, gripping her ass and taking command. Milanka tries to overpower me and keeps on moving faster, but now I have the control, shifting her to my own will, up and down, slow and sensual. She bites my shoulder making me pause, then takes the control back straight away, up and down, fast and hard. We both come minutes later, and the moment she does, her eyes go back to normal and she drops down and pulls away from me, turning and reaching for her clothes, then starts dressing fast. “Milanka…” She pauses as she puts on her shirt, then turns away quickly while finishing getting dressed. “I’m not one of those men, Milanka.” The words that come next shock me, as she walks out the door. “You are to me now.” She doesn’t even slam the door. Milanka just walks out like it was nothing and I’m nothing to her. Did I do that to us? Should I have kept us at a longer length? I didn’t want to and still don’t, but now I’m not sure I want this side of her either. The void side, because it’s not her, it’s her mask. The second my pants are on, the door to my office flies open and my hopes vanish at the sight of Cherry standing there. She sees it in my face and I turn to walk straight back to my desk.

“What did you do?” she asks. I know she cares but right now I don’t want to talk. “Go away, Cherry.” “What did you do, Connick? That girl looked like she fought a battle and lost a part of herself while she was doing it.” Her words ring true because that was what had just happened. Except, I don’t think she lost a part of her, I’m pretty sure she stole a part of me. “I don’t fucking know anymore.” My shirt is still on the floor and so is her bag. She didn’t pick it up when she left. All she took were the clothes on her back. “Well, you better fucking work it out. Was it her mother? Was she upset about her?” Shaking my head, because I don’t really know, I stand there. “Fine. Maybe give her some time.” She walks out, slamming the door, the same way I expected Milanka to. Leaving me with questions on my mind, and wondering what the fuck I’m meant to do now. Do I chase Milanka? Do I leave her be? Who the fuck knows. Is there someone that does? Because I want their fucking number as soon as possible.

CHAPTER 10

MILA NK A

to smack myself across the head then I want place it in an oven, turn it on, and set myself on fire. Yep, that about describes how I feel right now. His hands got the better of me, but somehow I managed to turn my feelings off and think of him as no one, even though the minute it was done I knew exactly who I’d had sex with, and it wasn’t no one, it was Connick, fucking with my emotions again. He doesn’t do it on purpose. I guess he just can’t help it. That’s why it’s safer for me to keep distance between us. If we don’t touch, maybe we could function as adults instead of two crazed sexed-up teenagers every time we touch. Sitting out the front of Serena’s house, I wait until it’s safe to go in. Von is still there, and I don’t want to interrupt anything that’s going on between them, so I stay in the car that’s Connick’s, with no

luggage or keys to my house, the same driver who picked me up from the airport and thankfully he doesn’t ask questions as he waits up front. Everything is in the bag I left in his office. So, my only choice was to come here until I can face him again. Checking my phone, I see Cherry has sent me an email with all the instructions of what Connick had arranged for my mother’s funeral, and going over it all, I see he did more for her than she probably deserved—flowers, a burial service, the works. But the question is… who would attend her funeral apart from me? Who else even knew her? I don’t even know because I have no idea who she is. The moment that thought of maybe no one knowing her leaves my mind, I think of me and my life. Then I hear a door slam, and I know that’s not me and I’m not like her. I now have a friend, and I was even willing to let someone else into my life—Connick. Even if that hasn’t worked out how I’d planned, I’ve tried. Maybe I won’t ever try again, but I did try this once. I watch as Von gets into his truck and leaves. He doesn’t look my way and speeds out of the driveway. I thank the driver as I get out and walk to her open front door. She’s standing just inside, and I go enter and see she has a lost look on her face. She

manages to fake smile when she sees me. “Von asked me to never leave again. Seriously, doesn’t he realize it takes two to make those babies, it wasn’t all me. He can’t expect me to not want to have a life. I was only gone for the weekend. Gosh…” She walks away, and I follow her in, then she stops and turns to face me. “What did he want?” “My mother died.” Her hand raises to her mouth and she gasps. “I’m so sorry, Milanka.” I shrug my shoulders, not processing it all just yet, but she doesn’t push for more. “So, tell me, where’s your bag?” “In his office.” “Should I ask even why it’s in his office… and you are here?” “I forgot it.” She laughs before she walks to one of her kids who’s screaming—the baby. “How did it go with Von?” She walks back out rolling her eyes. “You’d think Von would understand what I have to deal with by now. But no, he said don’t contact him for a week. He needs a break. I laughed in his face and told him he was dreaming. I didn’t fuck myself and make these babies.” I laugh at her words and it feels good to actually laugh. “I know, right? The nerve of him.”

“I really have to get that bag. It has my house keys and wallet. What was I thinking?” I slap my forehead and try to think of another way. “Cherry,” I say in a surprised thought. I bring up his office number he used to call me on and hope it goes through to her office phone and not his. I hear her voice as soon as she picks it up. “Cherry it’s Milanka here.” “Hi, Milanka, you calling about your bag?” “Yes, it has all my stuff in it.” “Give me your address and I’ll bring it over.” While giving her the address, I wait to say what I want to next but I don’t know how to without being obvious. So I fail and say it anyway, “Don’t bring him.” She goes silent for a second or two and then says, “I won’t. I’ll sneak out for a coffee and bring it over.” I thank her and hang up my cell. Serena comes back in after putting her kids down for a nap and plops down on the seat next to me. “I don’t think I want to work at the bar much longer.” Her eyes go wide as she stares at me. “What do you want to do?” “Just… something different, you know? I don’t even know what, though. I’ve never really thought of what I wanted because I could never achieve it in the past. I don’t see why I can’t now though.”

“Good on you. Now you just have to figure out what that is.” We sit and chat, talking about possibilities and the time goes fast, because, in what feels like no time, Cherry is standing at the door with my bag in her hand. She looks perfect as usual and smiles brightly when she sees me. “He asked me to tell you to contact him… in your own time.” Of course, he did. She hands over my bag, and behind her I see the girl that was at the bar. She’s dressed in a short top, and her tattoos are on display. Cherry follows my eyes and laughs. “I heard you met Harlin. Don’t worry about her, she means well… sometimes.” She laughs. “Who is she exactly? He didn’t tell me much about her.” I can tell she’s thinking of an answer because she pauses before she answers me, “She works for him. Well, sort of. Harlin does her own thing, but she has been a loyal friend for many years now.” I nod my head and watch as Harlin walks up to where Cherry and I are standing at the door. “Looking good, Milanka.” She winks at me and Cherry shakes her head. “Nice to see you again.” “I’m sorry about your mother, Milanka,” Cherry says, placing her hand on my shoulder.

“You want to go out? Maybe have some fun?” Harlin asks with a smirk on her face. Cherry starts shaking her head at me slowly with her eyes wide. I look to her then to Harlin, not working out why. “She just got back from her vacation and I’m sure she wants to relax.” “Oh you… hush. I’m going out with some friends mud sliding. Have you been?” “She would love to go,” Serena pipes up from behind me. I turn to face her and she ushers me out the door, kisses my cheek and shuts it after whispering, “Have fun.” I’m a bit shocked, but I can’t hide away with her any longer. “Umm… sure. Do I need to change?” She laughs and takes my bag in her hand. Cherry is watching us while shaking her head. The sun is starting to set and it’s getting dark. Harlin doesn’t wait for me as she starts walking off, and I see a motorcycle I didn’t know was there parked behind Cherry’s car. “Just be careful with that one. She’s a handful, and if you don’t want to do anything, tell her no. She isn’t that scary.” Cherry walks off leaving me to follow Harlin. Why on earth did I agree to go with her again? I don’t even know her. She passes me a helmet as soon as I’m near her

and my bag is strapped onto the back of the bike. She looks hot, really hot, sitting on a black Harley. As soon as I’m on, I wrap my hands around her waist and she speeds off so fast that I grip onto her hips hard. I hear her laugh as she goes way too fast around the corners, and soon we’re out on the highway. My hands start to relax and wrap around her waist. I start to look up at the twinkling stars flying past and I love it. The experience is a combination of exhilaration, fear, relaxation and pleasure. I certainly understand why she rides if this is what it feels like every time, because I want to do it. Get a bike. Feel free. Harlin takes a left down a dirt road and the only light now is that of her bike. I wonder where she’s taking us, until we come across a large area full of cars and other bikes, and they all have their lights on pointing to a large hill. She stops, and I climb off with her following behind. So many people are here, at least twenty of them, and it instantly makes me feel nervous to be around so many people. The gathered crowd starts yelling her name as we walk up the hill. I follow closely behind her and notice they’re all men—no other women are here but Harlin and me. “Who’s your friend, Harlin?” A man, clearly the leader of the group, stands tall watching me as we walk closer.

“A friend. Keep your fucking hands to yourself or I’ll chop the bastards off.” She turns to face me. “That’s Jason. He’s harmless unless you have fucked with him before.” Umm… I don’t even know what to say to that. She introduces me to a few others and passes me a beer. I shake my head, and she gives me water instead. Jason stares for longer than necessary, and I realize I’ve walked in on their little meetup or group. They all know each other and seem to be friends, while I stand looking at the ground, wondering why I’m here. Jason nods his head to me when I look up, he seems like a scary man. His eyes are hard, maybe not as hard as Connick’s, but still not someone you’d want to piss off. He’s wearing a wife beater and jeans, and there are no shoes on his feet. His beard is short and trimmed perfectly. Actually, he’s quite a good-looking man, and he’s covered in tattoos, unlike Connick who doesn’t have one on his body. “You ready for some fun?” Looking down the hill we’re standing on, I see that it’s all wet and basically mud. The hill is huge and has a very large drop. Now, I’m not afraid of heights, but I’m not sure about sliding down that either. “Down that?” She smiles and nods her head, taking off her top

and shorts, all she’s left in is a bra and panties. I wait for the whistles but they don’t come. Turning around I see them watching her. “They refrain from their wicked words when I get undressed now, due to me twisting and turning their man parts.” She winks and nods to my clothes. I shake my head because I don’t have anything on underneath. I got dressed too fast when I left Connick’s office. “Okay, let’s do it, together?” she questions. I nod my head and she grips my hand. I kick my shoes off and follow her, squeezing her hand harder than I should. She doesn’t say a word and sits down in the mud, I follow and can instantly feel it on my legs. “I prefer head first, but we can slide for now… on our asses?” Nodding, she pushes forward and I do the same. There is mud everywhere, literally everywhere, as we start to drop and slide fast. I don’t let go of her hand either, and she screams of happiness as we get closer to the bottom. Lifting our hands up in the air but still connected, I feel free, my hair is being whipped backward, and my voice is loud as I scream. When we stop, we land in a pool of mud, and I’m instantly covered completely. The boys cheer from the top, then as we look up, they’re all coming down. Harlin gets up and starts running up the side

of the hill again, and I get out, following her. We do it again, only this time I go face first, and don’t care that I look like I’ve lived in a mud pile for weeks. I’m sure this is going to take months to come out of all the crevices of my body, but it feels so good. Our third time down, we stay in the pool at the bottom, full of mud with some of the boys. Jason is one of them, though. I didn’t recognize him because he’s also covered in it. “So, you one of Harlin’s friends?” I look to her and she smiles. “Connick’s friend,” she says, laughing. I notice that they all glance over at me after she says that. “Harlin doesn’t really have many friends, apart from Connick and Cherry,” he explains. “Which is odd because he isn’t really the friendly type,” I say with a laugh. No one laughs with me. Instead they just stare. “She’s allowed to say that. In fact, she could stab him…” she looks to me, “… and he still wouldn’t want to kill her,” she tells the guys. “Yeah, I doubt that,” one of the guys says. I look to Harlin, not sure what’s going on, so I crease my brows. “We better go. Fuck!” Harlin stands waving her hands at me to get up. As I do, I see his car pulling up. He gets out and checks his watch on his wrist, then looks up the hill. I slip multiple times while trying to stand, and someone helps me by picking

me up out of the pool. The moment his hands leave my body, I turn to thank him quietly, and that’s when I see Connick pulling the man by his hair out of the mud pool. He turns him and starts punching. A scream leaves my mouth and I stand there in shock. “Now, Milanka,” Harlin says to me, handing me a helmet, her bike is right beside her. How did she get it so fast? And why is he beating on that man? No one stops him, they all just watch. I can’t stand it any longer, so I walk closer to him with the helmet in my hand and hit Connick across the head with it, making him stop. He looks up, and even though I can’t tell the color of his eyes I know they’re gray now. His face is rock-hard like it’s set in stone, and his eyebrows are pinched while his mouth is in a tight line. He gets up, wipes himself off, and takes a step toward me. I do it again, hitting him this time in the legs with the helmet. Connick stops and looks at me. I turn back to Harlin, who’s on the bike waiting for me, and climb on fast before he reaches me. She drives off and soon we are on the open road. I tell her where to go although I am yelling, and soon we’re at the front of my house. I hop off, and she unstraps my bag, handing it to me. I’m not even sure what to say to her because was that all my fault somehow? “Did you want to shower?” I point to my house,

she nods her head and follows me up, as I fish the keys out of my bag. Switching on the lights, I find nothing has changed, but so much for me has changed. “Don’t stress over it,” Harlin says, pulling her shirt off. I don’t know how she had time to get dressed. Maybe when I was hitting Connick? She undresses until she’s completely naked in front of me, and I look away, not sure if this is just her or if she’s trying to make me uncomfortable. “He’s going to kill me, though, for taking you there. Not so much you.” “He hit that man for helping me out of the mud,” I exclaim, with my eyes wide in horror. She brushes it off with her hand and walks to the shower turning it on then popping her head back out. “They will now know who you are, and they won’t touch you again.” She disappears and I hear my cell vibrating in my bag. I pull it out and notice that I have ten missed calls from Connick since I left. I throw my cell back in my bag and go to my room to find some clothes and something for Harlin, who somehow I have come to like. “Your turn.” She walks in my room with only a towel wrapped around her, and I hand her some clothes. She lays on my bed as I walk off. I shower quickly, washing my hair and my body, and know I haven’t gotten all the mud out but don’t care. I

need to sleep for like a week. She’s dressed when I come out, and my clothes look good on her. A hessian bag would probably look good on her, actually. “Master wants my presence,” she jokes with me. “He said you haven’t been answering, so now I am off to answer for you.” “Tell him not to come.” “He was just here. Don’t worry, I told him to go. He’s waiting out front for me.” She walks out, waves back with her hand, and leaves me standing there, wondering what the fuck just happened.

CHAPTER 11

C ONNIC K

frustrated, mad, so many emotions are A ngry, flying through me that I can’t work them all out, but I have to admit, most are anger-related. Harlin struts her shit out the front of Milanka’s house using the stairs and smiling as she comes down. “You took her there?” I seethe at her, but she rolls her eyes at me. “They are your friends. It’s as safe a place as any. She loved it. Until you came.” My hands clench at my sides, and I have to remember even though she may not act like a lady, she is one, and if I hit her, she would probably hit me back right, in the balls too. “She has her mother’s funeral in a week, Harlin. The last thing she needs is you interfering with everything.”

She scoffs at me. “Please, she likes me. I’m irresistible. Plus, I like her. I think she’s just as bad as we are. We just don’t know it yet.” “You don’t know shit, Harlin.” I run a hand through my hair and Harlin rolls her eyes. “What? You’ve know her for five minutes… now suddenly, you know all about her?” “I see it, you see it. She’s tame, yet wild. It’s in her eyes. It’s in her body language.” Looking past her, I see Milanka watching us from her window. She sees me staring, but doesn’t look away, just keeps looking with that faraway look she has mastered. “Don’t take her again.” She walks past me to her bike. “I make no promises, boss.” She rides off, leaving me in front of Milanka’s house, staring up at her as she looks down at me. She blinks a few times then shuts the curtains, leaving me wondering what the fuck this woman is doing to me.

WORK IS NEVER EASY, work is never fun. This week, though, has been torturous. Milanka hasn’t spoken to me, and tomorrow is her mother’s funeral. I told Derrick not to attend, but I don’t guarantee he won’t attend in the hopes that he will see Milanka. His obsession with her went too far last time. He

believes he loves her, and most of my life I didn’t care what shit he spilled, but now I know her, and I know he’s talking absolute shit. Calling him again, he answers on the first ring. “I’m going. No, you can’t talk me out of it,” are his first words. My hand grips the cell phone tightly. “If you do, Derrick, you will regret it.” “You can’t bribe or threaten me, Connick. I’ll be there dressed in black. See you tomorrow.” He ends the call, hanging up on me. I wonder, do I warn her? Should I just go ahead, do it now, kill him? Fuck! I can’t. Fuck! I need this company. It’s what I’ve worked for all my adult life. Why must Derrick fuck it all up? Why must I even care if it affects her? Because somehow, Milanka’s worked her way into my life like a leech takes hold of your blood. Slow and steady. Going home that day, I smell Milanka on everything. It’s been weeks since she’s been here, and yet I can still smell her everywhere. I tried to fuck another woman to see if it was just her pussy I was addicted too, her charms in the bedroom. I went to my club and requested the most confident and experienced woman on our books, but even with her impressive capabilities I couldn’t get hard when she touched my cock. I’m fucked, and it’s all on Milanka.

Laying my suit out for tomorrow, which I need firstly for a meeting and then for the funeral, I wonder if Milanka’s taking anyone with her. She can’t drive in that piece of shit car she has. She says and acts as if she has no money, but I disagree, and believe she does have some. Actually, I am positive of it. She just acts like money doesn’t exist. Maybe she’s saving for a house, I don’t know. I have all her accounts in a file, one is hidden so it was one of the last ones I saw, but there is a fair share of money in it, one that she puts into every time she gets paid. She never touches it though, it just sits there in a locked account, adding and adding up. Why does she need it? I have a feeling she does it without even needing it, because of how she was raised. Cherry comes over with paperwork, but doesn’t stay for long, and doesn’t chat about anything which is unlike her. She leaves after she orders pizza and takes a box home for her, leaving one for me. I go to sleep hoping Derrick gets hit by a bus because that will make everyone’s life easier tomorrow.

NO ONE IS HERE, not even Milanka. Her mother’s coffin is at the front, and I’m waiting for someone to walk in the door. Checking my watch, I hear the

front door open and in walks Milanka, dressed in all black. She looks around at the empty room, her eyes coming to a stop on me as she does. Walking up, she touches the coffin, lays some flowers on the top and steps back. The door opens again, making us both turn to see who it is. I requested no service unless Milanka asked for something specific. I notice she hasn’t. But now Derrick is walking in, dressed in all black as well. He looks to Milanka then side glances me before looking back to her. I watch as she freezes and becomes so still I’m afraid if you pushed her she’d fall right over like one of those fainting goats. “Derrick.” He ignores me and starts making his way toward her. I catch Milanka before he does and block his path by standing in front of her. My hand goes backward to connect with her and somehow she moves, stepping into my back. “You have to hide behind him now, Mils?” He laughs. “Pay your respects and leave. Milanka doesn’t want to talk to you.” His eyes go from behind me to me. “She doesn’t want you either. Don’t act like she does. She works her way into your brain until all you can think about is her, and you become obsessed with everything she is. Are you there yet, brother? Are you obsessed?” I don’t answer because I know I am.

Do I love her though? Who the fuck knows. You have to know love to feel it. I don’t know how to feel it, but am I obsessed? Possibly. I want her all the time, but to his extent, I don’t think so. Her hand squeezes my jacket and I realize I haven’t answered. “Your obsession is beyond unhealthy, Derrick. Don’t talk to her again.” “Don’t think I missed a beat then, brother. I saw you pause. You are. Isn’t she wonderful like that? Maybe it’s her magical cunt?” She gasps and releases my suit jacket. I feel her walk around, then see her when she’s in front of me. She does the most unexpected thing, she kicks Derrick straight between the legs, making him drop to the floor with his hands covering his junk. I wince in pain and look away for a quick second, it makes my eyes water, and when I look back she’s leaning down speaking into his face. “You’re sick, do you know that? You’re a sick delusional prick. I hate you and would never want you, even if I were laying where my mother is right now. How dare you come here on this day!” She kicks him in the face which makes him react and move one of his hands to cover himself. I want to laugh until she spits on him and walks out the door, leaving Derrick to rot on the floor by himself. I catch up with her. Milanka’s hands are clenched

when I finally reach her, so I grab her arm, turn her around, and see the anger everywhere. It radiates from her body, her face and in all aspects of her being. “You need to eat, let me feed you.” “Please, I saw it too, you know. You did pause. Do you think of me as an addiction?” “No. Fuck! I don’t know.” “You want me because I am a good fuck then?” Her arms cross over her chest. “I would fuck you anywhere, anytime, you know that.” “That didn’t answer my question. Oh wait, maybe it did.” She turns and walks off leaving me standing there watching her. I’m stuck to that same spot. Derrick emerges from the funeral home with one hand still on his cock and walking with a slight limp. “You don’t need to protect her. She’s the last person who needs any sort of protection. Trust me.” Derrick walks away, leaving me wondering what the fuck he’s talking about. I call Cherry straight away as I watch Milanka drive off into the distance in her old broken pieceof-shit car. “Cherry, I want you to buy Milanka a new car. One like yours, small and reliable.” “She won’t take it.” “Make her fucking take it. Fucking burn hers so

she has to.” Hanging up my cell, I go to the one place I can relax, the mudslide. The guys go there every week, almost always on the same night. Last week I didn’t know she was there and when I arrived I was shocked. I go to relax and have a few beers. Hardly anyone knows about the place as it’s on my father’s land, but he doesn’t maintain the area or even care for it. The guys that go there have been with me since college. I respect all of them, even if I did punch Matthew’s head in. We aren’t friends, I don’t see them at any other time unless it’s for work. I don’t socialize with them and they know it and never ask me to, but they are all a close-knit bunch. I also hire them. They run a small investigating company I own, and they also do a lot of dirty work on the side for some of those customers as well. Sometimes, the guys bring their flings out here, but usually, the only girl that’s here is Harlin. She’s treated like one of the guys. And yet, she brought Milanka here. I know why she did it, though. It’s to show Milanka more of who I am. But if I want to do that, I will do that in my own time. “No fists flying tonight, brother?” Jason asks, handing me a beer as I sit next to him. “Nope, but I can’t guarantee it won’t happen again if hands don’t stay to themselves.” He laughs and cracks his neck as he looks around at all the guys. “I haven’t seen you like that

since college. What’s happening? Really?” “Nothing you need to worry about.” Placing the beer to my lips, I take a long swig. I see all their eyes on me but no one says anything more. It was good to see Milanka today. Having gone a week without her near me has been different, and I don’t think it’s a good kind of different. It’s one that fucks with your head. Then there’s Derrick. I don’t even know what to do with that massive problem. Of course, the easiest solution for all our situations would be to kill him. Then I think about his daughter. She doesn’t deserve that, but does she deserve someone as fucked up as Derrick as a father? A man who doesn’t even understand how to respect a woman? He sure as shit doesn’t respect Nicole, she’s his plaything, and the one woman he wants hates him. So, his head-game is weak and fucked up and I don’t understand him or his fucked up feelings. “If you say so. Remember, actions speak louder than words.”

CHAPTER 12

MILA NK A

T

he funeral was a disaster; my life is somewhat the same as well. I quit work and have been stuck on my couch all week after not being able to move. Serena has called and checked in on me a few times, so has my new friend Harlin. I tried to get Cherry to take the brand-new car that’s parked out front and sell it to give Connick his money back, but she wouldn’t do that no matter how much I tried to bribe her. If I decide to drive myself anywhere, I won’t have any other choice but to take that new car because, in the process of buying me a new one, he’s had my old one towed away. Luckily I don’t keep anything valuable in my car or I’d be very pissed off right now. I’ve been toying with the idea of taking a photography course online, and I think I will just bite the bullet and do it. Photography is something

I’ve always been interested in and loved, just not of me, but of everyone else. I don’t understand the whole ‘selfie’ thing. Why do people want to take photos of themselves when there’s so much more interesting things to capture? I went shopping online and bought a new camera, and it arrived in the mail yesterday. Serena immediately wanted me to take photos of her and the kids to test my skills with my new camera, and they came out pretty good considering it’s not something I’ve ever done before. Serena asked me what kind of photography I want to do—take portraits, weddings, landscapes, candid shots—there are so many options. Today I’m visiting a studio to get a feel for it thanks to Von. He’s friends with a very well-known celebrity photographer, and I couldn’t be more excited to view his work, including witnessing how he works with the camera. Taking some Rolaids to settle my stomach down, I contemplate calling an Uber when my brand-new keys sit dangling in front of me. Checking the time, I realize I’m already late and it's best to go now before I make a bad impression of myself. Walking to the new car is very awkward. I’ve never owned something this expensive before. Yes, Derrick used to lavish me with gifts, but that was purely so he could buy and keep me. His gifts were never this extravagant though and this feels

way over the top and too much. I’m not sure what I can even do about it. Opening the door, the first thing I notice is that it doesn’t creak, and not a sound comes from the car it’s so silent. Starting it, and not hearing the noises of my old car is even weirder as I take off down the road.

THE STUDIO WAS EVEN BETTER than I expected. All his work was on display, and I even got to stay for one of his photo shoots. He also offered me a job, which I couldn’t resist the request even though I was shocked that he would offer it to me. It would be utterly stupid of me to turn down a position that can help better my life, and that’s what I need to do —better my situation. Harlin called when I left and asked me to come out with her. I was hesitant at first until she said he wouldn’t be there. Connick’s always on my mind even when he shouldn’t be there, and that’s a major problem. I have never had feelings for a man the way I do for Connick, and I don’t understand them one bit. I don’t think he does either. Harlin is standing on some steps when I pull up at the front of her house in my new car. She raises her eyebrows and looks it over before she pulls the door open.

“Let me guess, lover boy bought you a new car?” “Of course.” “You want to burn it?” I laugh and shake my head. “That sounds like a great idea, but unfortunately he took my old one, giving me no choice but to use this one.” “That boy ain’t no fool, girl.” “Where to?” I notice she’s dressed in all black. She turns to face me. “I did plan to just have a girl’s night with you, but I had a call about a job.” “Oh… okay.” She looks me over before she speaks again. “You can come with. I’m my own boss and all.” I shrug my shoulders telling her sure, and we start driving with Harlin giving me directions. We arrive at a quieter part of town, but also known to not be friendly. She tells me to stop at an old casino. Harlin swings around and proceeds to pull some items from her bag. Knives, guns, and god only knows what else. She starts adding them to her clothes and tucking them in her boots. To say I’m shocked would be an understatement. Harlin hands me a knife, my fingers take it, but I don’t move. Instead, I just look at it, frozen in my position on the seat. The knife is large and very sharp. It looks a little like a hunting knife with a black handle and a shiny blade.

“What am I meant to do with this?” “Protect yourself.” “Ummm… okay. From who?” Harlin smirks as she opens the door. She proceeds to walk around to my side and pull the driver’s door open. “I wouldn’t recommend staying in the car by yourself. Just remember, the pointy end goes in them not you.” She starts walking off with her boots clicking on the pavement in the parking lot. Rushing up so I’m behind her, I follow her into the dark casino. Looking around, there are hardly any customers and those that are there stare at us as we enter. Some look away and back to their game, some look longer than necessary. Harlin walks straight past them and out the back. She only turns once with a smile on her face to make sure I’m following her as she walks. Behind a back door, a cloud of smoke is all I see when we walk in. The door shuts behind me with a thud, and I have to wait for my eyes to adjust. “Joey,” Harlin’s voice filters through the silence in the room. Turning, I see she’s looking at a man that’s sitting at the head of the table with a cigar hanging from his lips. “Harlin, baby, come on… not tonight.” She cracks her head to either side. “I’m sorry, Joey.” She looks at the rest of the men around the table. “Leave boys, now.” Some stand and listen to

what she’s ordered them to do, but two stay seated right next to Joey on either side of him. “I didn’t want to do this the hard way, Joey. I had planned for it to be sweet and merciful. Are you picking the other option?” He laughs and removes the cigar. “Harlin, you’re leaving me no choice, girl. What did you think would happen?” He nods his head to his men. They both stand at the same time and start walking toward her. I don’t think they even notice me in the room because all eyes are focused firmly on Harlin. Stepping back, I hit a wall with no escape as I watch on. What exactly is it that she does? She said this was her work. Is it hustling people for money? It can’t be though, because why is she saying what she’s just said to him. It sounds more like she’s about to kill him. Both men start walking toward her fast, yet somehow, I see it all in slow motion as I watch her. Harlin’s hand reaches behind her hip and she pulls out a gun faster than they can run. One precise shot goes straight into the first man who’s closest to her, the next scrapes across the head of the second as his body collides with hers. He attempts to hit her face while he’s on the top of her, but she moves her head to the side and his hand slams down to the floor giving her the advantage. Harlin pulls her gun

back up, aiming it at the side of his head as he drops right on top of her. “Don’t move, Joey.” Looking up to see what she’s talking about, I notice she’s right, Joey’s up and heading straight to me because I’m still standing in the doorway. My body is blocking his escape. His hand touches me in slow motion, and I look down to see Harlin trying to stand as she pushes the man off her. The moment she does, his hands are on me, and her gun is pointing at his head. “Let her go, Joey.” His breath stinks as he pulls me to him while his gun is aimed directly at my temple. I should be scared, petrified, right now, yet I have a state of relaxation running through me as this man holds me with a gun to my head. I’m not afraid. I’ve seen worse in my dreams. “You took two of my men, Harlin. You were only meant to come for me.” One hand goes to her hip. “Did you come when I said so? No, you dick. Now remove your hands or I’ll make it painful.” He clicks his tongue at her, and the moment he does, she fires. My chest grips hard with tension at the sound of the gun firing and aimed in my direction. Clenching my hands, I watch her fire, and then the bullet comes straight toward me. My body freezes, I’m unable to move from the position

I’m stuck in. Then a sickening sound as the bullet pierces his head and blows out the back of his skull as it continues through and skims past me. His hands drop from either side of me while his body slouches. My arm is pulled forward as Harlin grips me tightly, then I hear a loud thud as his body hits the floor. She smiles when she looks up at me, her hand comes up wiping the bridge of my nose. “Blood… sorry about that.” Harlin’s hand stays on mine as I follow her. The maker of death herself. “You haven’t spoken,” she says as I sit in my car out front of where she’s just killed three men. “Do you do that often?” Her lips pucker before she answers, “Sometimes twice a week. Sometimes once a month. Depends, really.” “You enjoy it? The killing?” Her body moves as she turns in her seat to face me. Her face is covered in blood, her clothes would be too but they’re black, and you can’t really see anything other than the shiny surface where the splatters obviously cover her. “At first… no. Especially when I know the person. But I am good at it, Milanka, and have been for a very long time.” She glances up to the ceiling of the car. “You enjoy it… don’t you? What you’re good at?” My hands clench on the steering wheel. “I love

it. Yes.” “Exactly. Ours are both sins. One’s just messier than the other.” Sex and killing. She’s comparing them as if they’re both the same. “How did you know?” I realize I’ve never told her much about me. “There’s a file on you. I read it. You really love sex as much as I love my job. There’s not much difference really.” “A file?” I ask in disbelief. “Of course a file. How did you think he knew where you lived? Your name? That he could bed you with just one conversation.” “I… I didn’t know that.” “Obviously, and you really need to talk to him about that. Because you both are so miserable right now it’s kind of depressing, actually.” “He’s miserable?” She laughs at my words. “And how do you know this isn’t just me?” “For one, I’ve seen you. You smile a lot with him. But you never smile now. Two, I know Connick. And he’s a miserable prick right now and aggravated as fuck. I could kill him myself most of the time. We shall call him snappy. It’s a pleasant name, I could think of much worse right now.” “He keeps things from me.” She smiles. “We keep things from all those we care about. Do you want to know why?” Her eyes

grow serious as they pinch together. “We’re afraid. Afraid if they see us they won’t like us. Because baby, we’re all fucked and twisted. It’s all about the level of fucked and twisted, and that some of us hide it better than others.” “I need to shower.” She laughs at my change of subject as I start the car up. “Don’t tell him that I brought you here. I do quite like my head attached to my body.” “He knows what you do?” “He was the one who got me into it.” She winks at me.

CHAPTER 13

C ONNIC K

T

he day that impacted me the most with Milanka, was the same day at the coffee shop. Though it wasn’t our conversation, or even the look of her. It was what happened after that which piqued my interest in her. She was meant to be a job and nothing more to me. A lot changed that night, a shit load of a lot. I sat watching Milanka outside the coffee house as she spoke to that woman—her doctor. I watched as she walked out and went in the opposite way of her house. Then as I followed her, everything changed.

Coffee House: Past… MALINKA

WALKED

into a store while I sat out the

front and waited for her to come out. She had a carton of milk in her hands. The sky was darkening, and if my eyes weren’t trained on her so hard, watching her every move like a stalker, I would have seen Derrick coming before she did. I should have stopped it, but in a way I was glad I didn’t, because it gave me insight to who she really was and that started my obsession with her. Derrick was directly behind her, his footsteps matched hers perfectly. She was blind to it at first until she started to slow down her steps, then she halted. I watched as he stepped closer to her frozen form, whispered something in her ear, then it was like watching a movie you just couldn’t turn away from. Her body language didn’t want him to touch her, but she did because her hands touched his hips and his lips touched her ear. Derrick was happy, the happiest I’d ever seen him, and that scared me because why was he happy to see her like this? I could tell something was wrong with her just by looking. He was up close and personal with her, yet he didn’t care. Is that what he wanted? This side of her? Derrick pulled away and they started walking together, hand in hand down the street, both eyes were on each other as they turned down an alley. I didn’t want to follow thinking they were going to have sex, yet I couldn’t stop myself either. What was it that they were hiding from? Why after so

many years did he want her back all of a sudden? He couldn’t have just missed her and gotten sick of his own wife, Derrick told me this. I was not sure it was entirely accurate, though. There must be something else he hadn’t spoken of. So I followed them down the alley. He had her up against the wall, her leg hiked up as he kissed up her neck, pulling her shirt up so he could run his hands up her bare skin. “Yo.” A dark and large voice boomed from back further in the alley, but they didn’t stop or even recognize it had spoken as they continued to make out. What was happening? “Yo.” This time the guy was walking closer to them, coming nearer so he was almost touching them. Before he could touch either of them, Derrick released his grip on Milanka, leaned in and whispered in her ear. He handed her something—a knife. She stepped toward the man that had interrupted them, and in one quick motion, plunged it into his neck. Derrick smiled at her, and I knew I had to walk in. It was like he’d placed a spell over her. “Derrick.” My voice echoed the same way the man’s did. Both turned around to look at me. Derrick took the knife from Milanka’s hand. “Leave, Connick.” Milanka watched me but didn’t say a word.

“What did you do to her?” His hand reached out and wrapped around her waist. “I told her about the knife, she froze, but then she came out to play.” “What has the knife got to do with why she’s like this?” His hand ran along her face. “It’s the same one she used all those years ago. I’m guessing she remembers now.” Looking back at her, I could tell something was wrong. Her eyes started rolling, then she dropped to the ground with a loud thud. As she landed on the man, who she’d just killed, she was covered in his blood. “She won’t remember you, will she?” I asked him, stepping forward, intending to take Milanka away from him. “I’m guessing not. She didn’t remember the last time.” He stepped in front of Milanka to block her from me. “Move, Derrick.” “No. This is how I want her, and I’ll keep her locked up to get this part of her every time.” “You want her just for this part of her? That isn’t her, Derrick.” “It is. I love her.” “You love yourself. Now fucking move before I have to move you myself.” Derrick looked down at her one final time before he walked away. I waited until I heard his

footsteps go off in the distance before I reached down to pick her up. She was so light, and her face carried so many burdens, even when unconscious. I wondered if she would remember. I wondered if she would remember me. Milanka didn’t move or make a noise as I placed her in the car, buckling her up, and I wondered where I should take her. My only thought at that moment was to take her away from Derrick. Driving around, I pass a hospital, the same one her doctor practiced in, so I pulled up to the emergency entrance. A nurse was standing there watching me as I pulled her from the car. She went straight into action and called for a bed. The moment I placed Milanka on it, she was rushed inside. I didn’t follow her, there was no need for her to know I was even there. I planned to see her again, but under a more controlled setting, one where she would possibly remember me. Driving off, I wondered how long it would be before I gave in and saw her again. Maybe I might go to her place of work. Then again, maybe I might kill my brother earlier than expected. Present… My father is very powerful, he comes from a family with a respected name. This is how he was

able to grow his business to the extent he has. I had always admired and wanted to be like him when I was younger, but as I sit now watching as he walks in with Derrick’s mother attached to his side, I wonder why. His eyes bore into mine. Derrick’s mother, Taryn, searches the room as if she’s looking for something. He pulls a seat out for her to sit on, then takes a seat in the spare one opposite me. He leans forward, looking at what’s on my desk then back again, crossing one leg over his knee. Our father doesn’t visit. He’s usually off traveling, and to see him here today is very abnormal and unsettling. “What can I help you with today, Father?” “We’ve been speaking to your brother,” Taryn speaks first as I watch my father for a reaction. He’s a closed off man but I have come to know his tells very well. “And what did Derrick have to say?” Closing my computer down, I wait for her to answer. She looks to my father then back to me. “He complained. You know the rules, Connick. You must play nice with him.” Rules. Rules. What I would like to do with those rules. “Taryn, can you check with Cherry and ask her to bring us all a coffee.” Father looks to her which makes her turn to me before she stands. She knows

he wants to talk to me without her in the room. We watch Taryn leave and shut the door behind her, and the minute she does, he faces me again. “He called her, complaining that he came to you for help, and you turned it around on him and punched him in the face.” I want to laugh at the situation. Instead, I stare with no response to his accusation. “This is it, okay? You have proved yourself. I accept that. You took this company to new heights, and for that you deserve it all without her rules attached to it. I don’t care what happened between you and your brother. I know that boy has issues that are thanks to his overbearing mother, who’s just outside that door. But…” he looks up to me, his stance straight as he sits in the chair, “… that is your stepmother. She is my wife. Taryn loves you both, but Derrick is her son, as you are both mine. A new contract will be drawn up, I am releasing it all to you.” I’m shocked, my hands have stayed still on the desk and my mouth remains closed. I go to open my mouth, but nothing comes out. “I never wanted the contract. The company was always yours, Connick. I trained you for it. This was all Taryn’s idea in hopes it would bring you two closer. Did it?” “As you said, I hit him, so I’m guessing not.” He nods his head. “I suppose I’m to blame for that as well. You worked for what you wanted, but

Derrick was given it all. That stops now. He needs to stop expecting handouts. I’m cutting him off.” He stands, straightens the tie around his neck, then offers me his hand to shake. “The lawyers are sending the new paperwork over today for you to sign. Congratulations, son, I hope you have a child of your own to pass it down to.” “Thanks, Father.” He nods his head, and I realize this is the most polite conversation we’ve ever had. Has it taken him this long to see that I can actually run his businesses by myself? Taryn opens the door and looks to both of us. “Taryn, we need to see that son of yours,” my father says, and I want to laugh at his words. I look down at the desk before I look back up to her. “You aren’t doing it. You aren’t cutting him off.” She knows, he must have told her before this meeting. “He’s a grown-ass man, he can start fending for himself.” He waves back to me without looking and walks out the door, followed by my furious stepmother. “I heard.” Cherry smiles appearing at the door. “Why aren’t you happy?” Scratching my head, I wonder why. This is huge for me. “I don’t know. It’s good news, I guess—” “Go and grovel. You aren’t going to be happy

until you do.” “To who?” “Don’t play dumb with me. Oh… and by the way… you may want to speak to Harlin. She may or may not have taken Milanka on a hit.” Cherry shuts the door, and my fist connects with the desk almost breaking my knuckles. That little bitch.

CHAPTER 14

MILA NK A

T

oday I have decided to grab the day by the balls, as Harlin puts it, and go see Connick. We need to talk without any hands touching my body. Maybe I should ask him to come to a public area to keep me safe from having sex with him, because the likelihood of that happening is high every time I’m near him. I started working last week, and haven’t seen or heard from Connick since before I started. The break has been good. To not have him in my constant presence has been uplifting, so I can breathe again and try to work things out that don’t involve him and his body. I have also not slept with any other man in months, except for Connick. He seems to fill every need and want I have with just him alone. I was always afraid of relationships, because how could someone like me stay with one

person forever. I like sex, and one person couldn’t possibly fulfill all my needs. Could they? He does, though. Every single one of my needs have been met and he has made me more addicted to him than necessary. I’ve forgiven Connick like a teenager forgives their cheating boyfriend. I’ve stayed with him like a wife with children, not in love anymore but afraid to leave. None of these reasons are the reasons I’ve stayed, though. He’s the sole reason, everything about him. Now I want to know what’s happening. I want the truth to leave his lips. Pushing open the doors that lead to the elevators which go to his office, I stop before the door closes behind me. Marina is standing at the elevator and next to her is Connick. Her hand is on his arm like they know each other intimately— more than friends—and her body leans forward so they’re touching and she plays with his chin, turning it toward her. I feel like I’m stuck in a horror film I can’t quite work out as I watch them. The elevator doors ding open and they both walk in without even noticing I’m standing right there. Just before the doors close, I step in front of them. His eyes spot me first, and they go wide at the sight of me and before he can stop the elevator, the doors close, locking them away. My legs start running, running as fast as I can

out of there. I run away from it all because that’s what I am good at. My legs take me all the way to a quiet neighborhood where I end up sitting on a park bench, looking out over the green grass. I hear and feel my cell vibrating and know it's him without even having to look at it. It doesn’t stop, and neither does my heart that beats fast or my questions that are flying around in my head. Why was he with her? They acted as if they knew each other. Was this another secret he’s kept from me? Sitting and playing with it all running around in my head, I know the only way I will find answers is from the source himself. Seeing him is not what I want to do, though it may be the only thing I can do that will make me stop wanting him, once and for all. Walking out to the street, I hail the closest cab, and on the way there, I try to think of all the appropriate questions I need to ask him. As I come to a stop at the front of his building, it’s quiet and only a guard stands there. It’s late, almost everyone will be going home or has already left for the day. Should I have called first? Too late now. Walking to the elevator and pressing his floor number, my hands touch my bare legs. They want to dig in to break flesh and ease some of the pain which I know will help me forget about everything. Squeezing them hard, I release them as soon as the

door opens and Cherry sits at her desk in front of his office. His office is the only one on this floor. The joys of being a boss, I guess. No smile touches my lips as I walk past her and straight into his office. He is pacing the floor when I push the door open with his cell to his ear. He turns, ready to bark out a command, then his mouth tightens when he sees me. “I’ve had my people looking for you for hours, Milanka.” Always so formal, I want to throw that up his ass right now. “You aren’t going to be asking questions or demanding anything right now, Connick.” His cell goes into his pocket, his arms cross over his chest, and his eyebrow raises at me. “I’m not?” Shaking my head, I stay exactly where I am far enough away from him. “You won’t come further in, Milanka? Too afraid I might touch you?” He knows me too well. “I told you, no questions. If you ask one more, Connick, I swear this will be the last time you see me.” Connick immediately shuts up. Looking around his office while he’s finally silent, I notice not one single family photograph sits anywhere. The walls are white and cold, the furniture is bare and minimal. Turning back to him, I notice him

watching me, but ultimately listening to me and not saying a word. “How’s your stab wound?” He looks down at his stomach then back to me. “Healed,” is his short response. “How’s your brother?” His head drops to the side. “Breathing… for now.” His words take me by surprise. I don’t think Connick is an innocent man. Actually, everything has told me otherwise. Yet, his words speak of hatred for Derrick, and no one could hate that man more than I do. “Why was Marina here to see you, Connick?” I use his name like he does mine, even in the same tone. Cold and formal. No emotion. “You want the truth?” Nodding my head, he walks to his desk and leans on it while he watches me. The distance is good, but he feels even colder now. “She was here to see me.” “Why?” “Because she wants more of me.” “What did she get from you, Connick?” He shakes his head. “Wrong question, love, it’s what I got from her.” “What did you get from her?” I ask. “You.” It takes me a moment to wrap my head around his words, then my eyes bulge. “You don’t tell Marina everything, do you? I thought you

would have told her about the sex, but you never did.” Taking a step back, my hands touch a wall. “What did you do?” “You didn’t honestly think I knew all about you from Derrick, did you? He didn’t even know where you lived until that one night you ran into him. Marina talks, it’s her specialty, you should know that.” “She wouldn’t have, she’s not allowed to.” “Again… wrong questions, love.” “Stop calling me, love.” “Milanka…” he says, cold again. “What questions.” “You should be asking… why was I seeing her?” “Why were you seeing her?” “Initially, it was to learn a bit about you. Read her files. Fuck the information really. Then I saw you one night, do you remember? You were covered in blood, just after I had first spoken to you. Do you remember, Milanka?” Shaking my head, he steps away from his desk and takes a step toward me. “You ran into him that night. Derrick. He said it was the first time he’d seen you in almost five years. He told you about that knife he had. And you… well… kind of switched. You became his, and an entirely different person.”

“My episodes,” I whisper. Connick nods his head. “They’re under control now.” I’d gone for years without one. The episodes were a thing of my past, or so I thought. Then they were back for a short amount of time. But now they’re done and never returning, I hope. “They are, she told me that today. You most likely will never have another one again.” “You were fucking her for that information?” “She’s your doctor, she understood you.” “Did she know about you and me?” He shakes his head. “She came for me today. Wanted to see if there was a chance, but you see a black-haired beauty has worked her way under my skin.” “What happened that night?” I want to know, I need to know. I still remember all the blood. “You passed out. I saw you and drove you to the hospital.” “You’re lying! You said you wouldn’t lie to me, Connick.” “I’m not lying. That’s what happened when I reached you.” “Where did the blood come from?” He shrugs his shoulders. “Have you come to speak about more than that? Or was it just that?” I don’t even remember the reason I’ve come to see him in the first place. Then Connick speaks again before I can. “Stay

away from Harlin, Milanka.” I laugh at him. “You have to be fucking with me, right?” I look around his office. “Do I look like one of your employees who you can boss around?” He steps forward, cracks his neck to either side and straightens his posture. “I know where she took you. Stay away from her.” “Fuck off.” “Milanka.” “Connick,” I whine back to him. “You think after following me, stalking me, and fucking with my life that it gives you the right to make orders when it comes to me?” I laugh dryly at him. “Milanka…” he growls this time. “You’re more fucked in the head than I am, and that’s saying something coming from me.” I turn to leave, but before I can reach for the door handle, his hand is on mine and he holds it closed. “You could get killed.” “Like I could have gotten killed twice by your brother, who you gave information about me to? That, you mean?” “Do you want me to kill him right now?” That’s so tempting, oh so damn tempting. “Why do you care, Connick? You don’t do this… ” I swing my hands around in frustration, “… didn’t you say? Us, or relationships. Why do you keep pulling if you don’t do any of it?” “I do you, Milanka.”

“I told you, I won’t be your sex thing when you need me, Connick. That won’t happen anymore.” “I can’t give you what you want, Milanka.” His eyes have lost their hardness. “You don’t even know what I want because you’ve never asked. Now move so I can leave.” Connick stares at me then nods his head and lets me pass. He watches me as I walk away, out of his office to the elevator, and as the elevator doors shut, all I see looking back at me is a lost man.

CHAPTER 15

C ONNIC K

right, I don’t know what I want. I want S he’s her, though, just possibly not in the way she wants me to want her. Is it just her body I want? Or is it more of her? I miss having her around, I miss laying my hands all over her body like it’s my own personal puzzle. Now she won’t even look at me as if she cares, which I have brought on myself. I wish I knew then what I was doing and how wrong it was. But the past cannot be changed, only the future can. Slamming my door, I wonder if this day will ever end. First my father, now Milanka. Granted, Father’s news was better than the news I had to deliver to Milanka. Will she ever look at me again the way she used to? With lust written in her eyes and a body that moves with my every touch. Have I fucked it all up so badly that there’s no

going back from what I’ve done? Marina, her doctor, who shouldn’t have said a word to me about Milanka, told me everything there was to know. Everything she knew, apart from one crucial factor, she is a sex addict. Who does Milanka go to now for her to fill that need, especially considering she isn’t with me? The need to place someone on her to watch her is scratching at the surface, but that would just be another thing I would have to tell her. Like the man she killed—no, that will never leave my lips, and I hope she’ll never find out about it either. I didn’t lie when I told her what I knew, I just withheld that one specific part, the part that was for her soul and not for me to gain anything from her. Marina was here in the hopes that I would be with her again, one last time, in her words. I haven’t been with Marina since that night I took Milanka to her house, I just couldn’t fuck another woman once I had a taste of her. Are Derrick’s words correct? Is she an obsession? Or maybe she just isn’t like every other woman out there. Maybe she is more. Leaving my office, I drive straight to Harlin, who I need words with after what Cherry told me. Taking her to her jobs, her jobs that could potentially get her killed, is a no. Yes, Harlin is good, but Harlin looks after one person, herself. She always has, and that’s what

makes her so good at what she does. No liabilities for her to fuck anything up. She’s standing out front of her house when I pull up, her bike is in front of her, and she’s looking down at something on it with a tool in her hand. She turns when I shut the car door, smiles, then drops it when she sees me. “Connick, what a surprise.” The tool in her hand taps on her leg as I walk closer to her. Grabbing her by the throat, my hands squeeze tight and her eyes go wide, then she wallops me in the head with steel. My grip loosens enough for her to get free. Rubbing my head, she stands ready for another attack. “Who fucking told you?” Harlin isn’t even mad. She doesn’t care, she knows why I’m here. She knows who I am, and not to fuck with me. Yet Harlin always does what Harlin wants. “Doesn’t fucking matter… have you lost your mind?” She shrugs her shoulders. “I told you I liked her.” “So you take her on one of your hitman jobs. Seriously, Harlin?” “Milanka was fine, she knows how to look after herself. Stop thinking she’s incapable of doing so.” “She is.” Harlin laughs at me. “You keep on thinking that, and you will never win her back. She didn’t even flinch when I shot the man that held her, Connick, right next to her head, not even a flinch.

How many girls you know keep that still when I fire a gun?” “No one.” “Exactly. Treat her as your equal. Stop thinking of her as being so fragile. She isn’t.” Harlin turns, not worried by me at all. Placing my hand on my head, I feel the bump that’s rising. Fucking bitch. “She knows… everything now,” I say “She doesn’t know everything. She doesn’t know you're in love with her, does she?” “I’m not.” My protest is weak “And I’m a pig’s ass.” I raise my eyebrow at her. “I will hit you again.” “Fine, whatever. I want her.” “Yeah, we all know that. Milanka knows that. She just wants you to want her more than for sex, is all.” “I don’t know how.” “Good, neither do I. Ask someone who knows. Someone better equipped to deal with that shit than me.” “You’re a real bitch, you know that?” “I know. Now fuck off so I can fix my bike. I need these tools for the bike and not your head. Actually, you do have a few screws loose, you want me to fix that for you?” “Ha, ha.” Turning to walk off, I reach my car and open it.

“No more, Harlin, no more of those places.” “Yeah, yeah, I know. Just brothels then?” I stay quiet, watching her. “Fine, no brothels either. Go away, you party pooper.” Driving away, I know she won’t do it again. Harlin is a girl of her word, that’s the only reason I let her in, and the only reason I keep her around me.

I DROVE PAST her house twice last night, wanting to go in to see her, and then turning back around. She’s right. Until I know what I want, I can’t keep on pulling her in. Today, I’m standing out front of Derrick’s house, though. He and I have things to discuss, and I know he won’t like what I have to say, but he will listen. Knocking on the door, it opens straight away. Nicole stands there smiling when she sees me. I’ve always been pleasant to her, now I know who she really is and what a bitch she is, I guess that’s why she’s with Derrick. Two peas in a pod and all that shit. “Connick, so glad to see you.” “Nicole.” She gushes, placing her hand on her chest. “Please, you can call me sister, you know.” I ignore her comment because that will never happen and

follow her in. Derrick is lazing on the couch when I reach him. He looks to me then back to the television. “You spoke to the parents.” “My father.” His mother is anything but my mother, mine is dead. “Yeah, yeah.” “We need to talk. Now. Alone.” He looks next to me where Nicole is standing, then waves her away with the flutter of his hand like she’s nothing. She huffs before she walks away, and his eyes go back to the television. I wonder what it was in him she saw in the first place. Our looks are completely different. The only trait we have that’s similar is that we’re both headstrong. Other than that, we are nothing alike. “Hurry up, talk… I don’t have all day.” Walking closer, I stand just opposite of the television so I can see him better, he looks to me then back to the television. “No more. No more will you see Milanka. No more will you look for her.” His eyes find me again and he leans forward on his elbows. “You think you can tell me who to see? You think you have a hold on her?” “She doesn’t want you. When will you get that through your thick skull?” “I don’t care if she wants me, I want her. End

of discussion.” “Listen to him, baby.” Nicole walks back through the door looking down at her husband. He sneers, “Fuck off, Nicole.” She throws the glass in her hand at him. “If you touch her again… go near Milanka, I’ll kill her.” Both of us face Nicole full-force. She watches the both of us and shakes her head. “You won’t touch her again. Do you understand?” Derrick questions. “Neither will you, Derrick.” My voice is low but very serious. He turns to me. “You’re not the boss of me. I don’t work for you, brother.” “If you touch Milanka or come near her again, without her consent, brother, the place you will end up won’t be at home with your wife and child. It will be seven feet under the ground. Do you understand me?” “You can’t, Father would disown you.” He thinks he’s protected. Derrick’s protection ended the moment I signed all the contracts, and now I have it all. Well, almost everything I want. “He wouldn’t know, I’m superb at accidents.” “Why are you both protecting her? What’s so special about her?” Nicole’s lips lift up in disgust, and I wonder what Derrick even saw in Nicole to marry her and have his child. “She’s everything you could never be, Nicole,”

Derrick says, the look in her eyes is all I need to see before I leave. Walking away, I go to the door when their daughter comes running up to me, she wraps her hands around my legs, and I wonder how they managed to make her. Two evil souls creating something good, so precious. Thank God she’s with my father and stepmother most of the time, not stuck with these two imbecilic idiots. “I’ve missed you, Uncle.” So tiny, her big blue eyes smile when she looks up to me. Kids are not my thing, I’ve hardly been around Bianca as much as an uncle should, though I see her on special occasions, and always have something in my pocket for her. She’s so quiet and timid, but I like that about her. Pulling out a glass unicorn from my pocket I give it to her. Bianca smiles so brightly that I want to grab her and take her away from these insane losers right now. “I love it. I’ll add it to my collection.” Scruffing her hair, she squeezes my legs again. “Don’t forget, if they start yelling you call Grandad.” Our father gave her a cell phone at the age of two. Yes, two, and the only number it calls is him, because deep down inside he knows what his son is like. She calls him every time they fight. Derrick hates it. I love that she has an outlet.

“Don’t come back, brother.” “Don’t come near her, brother. I mean it.” Derrick gets off the couch to slam the door behind me as I walk out. Now I have to work out what I plan to do with Milanka. She isn’t an object I can use at my discretion. What we once had has gone, and now it’s time for something new. Can I handle new, though?

CHAPTER 16

MILA NK A

T

he sickness isn’t leaving and I’ve been struggling to get out of bed. I don’t know if it’s from everything that’s happened but I feel so depressed as well. Connick hid things from me, yet again, and still he’s on my mind. I wish I could banish all thoughts of him as easily as I have been throwing up, but that isn’t happening. We both have secrets, there’s no doubt about that. I thought I could ignore them, his secrets. Do I even know all of them? I feel that there’s so much more and I don’t know the real him. I know so much about him. Yet he hides parts away and secures it all within a shell of steel. One that’s impossible to crack. He owns businesses, this much I know, but what did he do before? Why does he want to own so many? These are all things I don’t know.

I’m not one to judge, we all have issues, and sometimes those issues can be overlooked, especially when we both have them. I snap a few more photos with my photographer instructor telling me which angle is best. He knows I’m tired and isn’t pushing me hard today, it was a struggle to get out of bed this morning. By the time I’m finished, I want to sleep. I’m not giving this job my best, and that pisses me off because I love it. I love the way the natural lighting hits each spot perfectly, and the way everything zooms out from the camera in your hand like you’re looking through into someone’s life that you didn’t even know you had the privilege to. Finishing up, I make my way to Serena’s, she’s having a lingerie party. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to go home to sleep but she insisted. She hasn’t been working either. Sometimes when Von is desperate, he calls her and she caves, a bit like Connick and I, I guess. We have an invisible string that keeps on pulling us in, and we can’t do a thing to stop them. Serena’s house is full of ladies when I arrive. Serena eyes the car but doesn’t comment on it. I forgot she hasn’t seen it yet. What do I do about the car? I really like it now, and don’t want to give it back, but I know I should. The only thing is he took my old car and I need something to get to and from work. It’s a problem that I’m not sure I can

solve. “You’re going to love this, so many gorgeous outfits.” She pulls me into the room where everyone is sitting, some ladies smile and wave, some just look. The demonstrator starts pulling out lingerie for us to check out and passes it around. “This, this one is you.” She gives me a black set, thigh high stockings in black, a black lace bra with a matching G-string. “I don’t wear any of this stuff.” “Come on, you need to try it. I’m buying it for you as a gift.” Serena stands and walks away, leaving me sitting watching everyone. My cell starts ringing, so I excuse myself and answer without looking at the caller ID. “Milanka…” His voice does things to me that aren’t natural. “Connick…” “I’m sorry.” Lifting the cell away from my ear, I look to make sure this isn’t a joke. This man has never uttered an apology since I’ve known him. “Sorry, what did you say?” I heard him, but I need to make sure it’s right. “I’m sorry, Milanka.” “Sorry for what?” “For everything.” “Is there more, Connick?” He is silent for a second. “No.”

“Okay.” “Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?” “A date.” “Do we have to use that word?” he asks. I want to laugh, but I refrain. “I don’t trust you.” “I don’t expect you to. Let’s just try. If we don’t succeed, we don’t.” He sounds genuine. “Okay.” Shit! Why am I agreeing to this? Shouldn’t a normal girl be running away, far away? Pity I’m not normal. “How’s the car, Milanka?” “It’s good, thank you. How much was it so I can pay you back.” “It was a gift. I sold your old one and kept the money.” “How much was it, Connick?” I ask again. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Milanka.” I hear the smile in his voice as he hangs up. Walking back inside, I have to run to the toilet, my stomach contents are about to come back up. Pushing the door open, I just make it to the bathroom in time. Pushing my hair back, I throw up again. Serena must have seen me because she’s passing me a glass of water. While thanking her, I stand when it feels safe. Before I can stop her, her hands are reaching out

and she grabs both of my boobs and squeezes. “Oww,” I scream, slapping her hands away. Her eyes go wide, and she turns, slamming the door while at the same time reaching for her cell in her pocket. “You have to see a doctor… today.” “What? It’s only a bug.” She stops dialing and looks to me. “You’re pregnant, I bet my right hand on it.” “No,” I tell her, shaking my head. Serena talks fast on her cell then hangs up smiling. “He can fit you in an hour. So clean yourself up and get ready.” “I’m not pregnant.” “You are.” “Am not,” I argue back with her. “Last time you had your period?” “I don’t know, I don’t keep a calendar.” Shit! I can’t remember the last time. Was it before our vacation? “Your boobs are sore, that was always my sign. Plus, you’re spewing, that’s another sign.” “My boobs are always sore.” That’s a lie, they’re only sore that time of the month. “Is it him, Mil?” “Connick?” I ask. She nods her head. Closing my eyes, I answer her, “He’s all I’ve been with for months. I can’t be pregnant, Serena.

He doesn’t want kids. I don’t want kids.” She places her hand on my shoulder, and her eyes go soft. “Let’s just go and see what he says.” Walking out, she tells everyone to leave while handing me a black bag, and inside it is the lingerie she’s bought for me. How did I luck out and find a friend like her? How did it take me so long to find her, or even talk to her?

THE PEE TEST comes out positive. The blood test will come back tomorrow. The doctor gave me a list of dos and don’ts. It feels like so much too fast. This can’t be happening to me. I cannot be pregnant. I never wanted a baby. Connick, as far as I know, doesn’t want kids. What am I meant to do? Dropping Serena off, she hugs me hard, knowing what’s going through my mind right now and the possibilities of what I’m going to do. Something good comes along, I change my life and find the best job, then something has to land in my lap saying a big ‘fuck you,’ you can’t have what you want, you aren’t that lucky. I’m afraid I will be like her. That’s the main reason I don’t want kids. What if I end up like her? My mother hated me. She never loved me. Could it run in our genes? Could we both be the shittiest parents to ever exist? Then comes the part of how

am I meant to tell Connick. I wouldn’t even know what to say to him. He will hate me, thinking I’ve done this on purpose. I may have never had friends or serious relationships, but I have seen enough fights in pubs that start with pregnancies. That will not be me. Walking up to my house, there’s a parcel on the porch out front, as well as a bunch of pink roses. They are beautiful. Bending down, I pick the box up with the flowers and read the card.

This was delivered to my office. It’s from your mother’s possessions. The flowers are from me. Connick.

WALKING in with the box in my hand is like walking back into that funeral home. Odd. Why was this sent to me, and what could possibly be in it? It’s small, roughly the same size as my box I keep my memories in, almost the size of a shoebox. Placing the flowers on the counter, my hands freeze on the top of the box. Can I open it? What will I even find in there? I hardly knew the woman who was my mother. Why would I feel any

different about what is possibly in there? Taking a deep breath, I tear the top off fast like a Band-Aid, and inside is something I don’t expect. It’s photos of me, scattered with small keepsakes. It starts with a bunch of photographs of me when I was a baby, to my latest photo before I met Connick. Was she keeping track of me? How did she even have recent photos of me? Did Connick give these to her? A baby tag sits at the bottom with my name on it. Why does she have all this if she didn’t care for me? Now I can never get my answers. Now I will never know who my mother really was. Maybe it’s for the better. She never liked me. I was what she wanted to be, yet a path took her down another road—one that was full of sex, drugs, and alcohol. I’ve stayed away from all bar one of those things— sex. I haven’t been able to and now I’m possibly pregnant the same way my mother was. Will I now turn to the drugs and alcohol the same way she did? Can I save myself? From what… that is the question, though. I already have issues to deal with and adding to them won’t help me in the slightest. Is Connick an issue that will be added? Or a prize? I still haven’t been able to work it out.

CHAPTER 17

C ONNIC K

T

onight, I have a date, a date with a girl I’ve lost and made mine several times over. Now I have to win her back permanently so she can end up back in my bed where she belongs. And in my house. The driver stops out front of her place. Milanka opens her door and walks out before I even have the chance to greet her properly. She’s walking down the stairs while I wait near the car holding the door open. Her eyes are downcast as she watches each step she takes. Her legs are bare, apart from the blush colored skirt she has on, accompanied with a black long-sleeved shirt that shows the perfect amount of cleavage. The moment her heels hit the bottom step she looks up to me, with a shy look, which is very unlike Milanka. She can be reserved and sometimes quiet, but never one to be

shy. “You look beautiful.” Leaning down I kiss her cheek, and she turns, so I’m not near her lips, her no-go place until that day she told me those words. I’ve had a taste of those lips. I want those lips again, though I won’t push her. She will hand them back to me when she’s ready. “You, yourself, look tragically handsome.” I quirk an eyebrow at her, and she smirks before I make room for her to get in. I slide in next to her and have to remember to keep my hands to myself. “We aren’t going to your restaurant again, are we?” She is looking at me for an answer. “No, just a normal one tonight. Take it slow.” “I’m glad.” Her hands are crossed over in her lap, her posture is straight and not friendly. “You got my delivery, Milanka?” She nods her head, looks out the window, then back to me. “She had pictures of me, in that box… recent ones.” “I know, I gave them to her.” She doesn’t look shocked, more like I have confirmed it for her. “Why?” “She asked. She was my employee.” “You owned her.” I nod my head. “I did. She owed me a lot of money. She was mine ‘til those debts were paid in full.”

“Do you want to own me, Connick?” What a tricky question and only she could ask such a thing. “I would like to in many ways, but no, Milanka, just the way you are is perfect for me.” The car comes to a stop. I get out, holding the door for her, my hand goes to her lower back which is bare because her shirt is midriff length. She doesn’t falter when I touch, nor does she try to remove me, and I take great pleasure in that. We are seated in a private booth as this is also one of my many investment restaurants. “Water?” She nods her head and the waiter disappears. “Do you see anything with us, Connick?” “What do you mean?” “You told me you don’t do this, yet here you are. I figured you’re a man of your word.” I smirk, she calls me out and strangely I like that about her. “I never intended for you… never wanted you. You were a means to an end so I could take hold of what was mine. I had to be civil to Derrick because his mother is my stepmother. She also has a large role in what my father does. Then I had you.” My eyes harden on her while she watches me with interest. “I told myself this wouldn’t work. How could it possibly work? Don’t think me a fool, Milanka, this could possibly blow up in smoke. I wouldn’t do this especially only for a piece of ass. This is what you want. And for me to

have you, this is what I will do.” Her eyes don’t blink as she watches me. She is so still, I’m not sure what to expect. “Thank you for being honest.” She nods her head and the waiter comes over to take our orders. She’s polite and smiles, and once he’s gone she looks back at me. “How do you think I feel about all this?” “Is that a trick question?” “No.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know, this is clearly what you want. Me to be attentive, and more than just bed partners.” “You’re right, and if you were anyone else, I would have slept with you one night and never intended to see you again. Yet, you kept on sneaking your way back into my life, determined to plant yourself there. How do you think a girl like me feels about something like that?” She pauses and her forehead creases. “No one has worked that hard to see me again and again. Then you tell me you don’t want what you’re clearly asking for… feelings from me. You act like an injured animal and ask me to stab you instead of telling me your feelings. Still, you brought them on yourself. You would have known I haven’t been in a relationship since Derrick. I was clear about what I did… I had sex and left. You never left, Connick.” My hand goes up to my jaw and I rub it, trying

to think of the appropriate response. Our food arrives, and she smiles like she didn’t just try to rip into me as she thanks the waiter. “Start anew.” “Start anew?” she asks me, I nod my head. “Can you forget about it all? Can we start anew?” Her beautiful green eyes look down to her food before she looks up at me. “No. I can’t forget about what happened. A lot has happened to me, Connick. I’ve been pretty resilient about it. I haven’t broken down, I haven’t locked myself away, even though Derrick tried to take away my freedom. What he did to me was bad, Connick, it’s not something that you can forget.” “I didn’t ask you to forget it, I asked you for a new us. Start anew.” “We can try,” is all she says as she starts eating. Milanka doesn’t speak as we eat. So to start some conversation I ask her about her new position. She looks up confused and I explain about Harlin. She smiles at her name and tells me all about it. Actually, she smiles brightly every time she speaks of it. She loves her work, it’s clear as day to me. Plus, Harlin and Milanka have somehow formed a bond I didn’t see coming. I’m glad because she shouldn’t be working in a bar forever, that isn’t who she is. She’s so much more than that. We finish up, and I take every opportunity to

touch her, a light touch on her arm or to the lace covering her back. After a short drive home, we come to a stop out front of her house, and I realize we didn’t even speak on the way. I just stared at her occasionally with my hand on her thigh. She didn’t move it or tell me to move it. So I kept it there, touching the bareness of her skin, rubbing my finger over it back and forth. We sit there, neither of us moving “Tomorrow night?” She turns to face me. “A date? Tomorrow night. Again?” “Is there rules that say we can’t do two nights in a row? I plan to do almost every night. So, if there are rules, you best tell me now.” “There isn’t. None that I know of.” “My house.” Her head starts shaking. “Okay, I’ll pick you up from somewhere else.” She leans in, her mouth so close. “Thank you for tonight.” Her lips touch my cheek for a few seconds before she pulls away. She opens the door and leaves, and I sit and wait until she goes inside, waiting for her lights to come on. Did I want her to kiss me then? No, I want more, there’s no denying that.

WORK WAS UNEVENTFUL, all day my mind has drifted to her. What she expects from me. Is there much because I don’t want to crush her any more than she has been in the past. And she is right, her life this year has been fucked and most of that is due to me. Not all, of course, Derrick takes the blame for some of the bullshit, but some of the situations I take full responsibility for. I messaged her today and told her what time, and she replied with a simple, “Okay.” Nothing else. Milanka talks about how hurt she was, but I’ve never seen it on her. She holds it all in tight and doesn’t let it show. She speaks of love, yet I’m not sure if I’ve seen it from her. Taking my jacket off, I wait out front of Milanka’s house again. She comes down the minute we pull up without me coming to her door. I tried that last night and she was too fast for me. A simple black dress is all she’s wearing tonight, heels on, hair down. Her hair being down is my most favorite part, with the way it cascades around her back and arches around her face. I want to stroke my fingers through it and pull it back to make her submit to me. I open the car door for her and she climbs in, as soon as the door is shut the driver takes off. “I wasn’t sure how to dress,” she says, looking over at what I’m wearing. “It’s perfect. You are perfect.” She blushes and turns her head away. She doesn’t blush often, so I

look longer than necessary at the pink in her cheeks. She feels my stare and matches mine. “Where to tonight?” “You haven’t eaten?” She shakes her head. “And you don’t want to go to my place?” Again, she shakes her head. “How was your day?” “Good. I slept through most of it.” Turning toward Milanka, I watch her playing with her hands, it’s what she isn’t saying that’s concerning me. She’s hiding something and she’s nervous. “Are you sick?” “A little, but better now.” “Why were you sick?” Her nails start digging into her hands and she won’t look at me. “Stomach flu… as I said, I feel better now.” “Was it something you ate last night?” “Connick…” she gushes out. “What?” I ask, watching her. “Please stop asking questions.” I nod my head and the car comes to a stop. We arrive at a Japanese restaurant which sits high up in the hills overlooking the city below. “It’s so beautiful.” She’s right, it is. But so is she. My hand goes to her back and we walk in. Sitting at the table is a present waiting for her, I had Cherry deliver it earlier today. She looks to it and then to me when we sit.

“You can open it.” The waiter brings the food out straight away. I asked for a mixed variety so she can try everything, I know she doesn’t have Japanese food often. Her hands pause on the present like she’s unsure. “I don’t like this, I don’t want these things. The car was too much. Do you understand?” “Just open it, please.” She tears the wrapper off and she smiles at what she sees. That smile could light up the night alone. “You bought me a camera?” I can hear the happiness in her voice, it makes me want to be closer to her, so I pull my chair around so I can touch her. She leans in and kisses my cheek. “Thank you… so much.” “I did okay?” She nods excitedly. “I’m glad you’re happy, Milanka.” She asks me about my day, and I ask her about hers. There’s no bringing up the past tonight, it feels new, fresh. I didn’t realize how happy it would make her but thank the fucking Lord it did. Because that smile I want to steal at every given chance.

CHAPTER 18

MILA NK A

around, talking about all the places W ehedrive owns. He points them out and explains their purpose. Some are his that he purchased on his own, but the larger ones are from his father which he explains that he now owns as well. I don’t want to ask about Derrick’s involvement because I don’t want to ruin the mood. Connick did something so thoughtful tonight, he got me a gift which I didn’t expect, and one that will be of great use to me. It’s my favorite thing right now. We finally come to a stop out front of my place. He leans in and lingers on my neck, his lips drag then leave a scorching kiss. “Do you want to come in?” “Yes.” Opening the door, I climb out with him following. The driver heads off, leaving us here by

ourselves. There’s no going back now. Unlocking my door and walking in, he shuts it behind me, locking it. He walks over to the flowers sitting on the counter, reaches out and touches them then walks back over to me. My hand reaches the zipper on the back of my dress, he knows what I want because his eyes light up when I slowly undo it. The dress drops to the floor, leaving me in the lingerie set Serena bought for me. His eyes dance like fire as he takes me in from top to bottom, then he steps closer, undoing his buttons on his crisp, clean white shirt. “Are you sure, Milanka?” “Very sure,” is all I can reply. No other words come to mind when I see his chest. He pulls his shirt free, revealing his beautiful skin and rippled abs. “I’ve missed you, Milanka.” His hands touch my bare stomach, and I flinch when he does. Because I should tell him. I should step away right now and tell him. But I’m going to be selfish, just for this moment, because I can tell him later. Leaning into him, his hands swim the back of me, up and down, and then grabbing my ass and squeezing it hard. He lifts me just slightly and walks with me backward into my bedroom. He stops, laying me down on the bed, then leans down and strokes a path from between my breast to my pussy.

I moan, because I’m so ready, so needing him right now. I could sit right up and tear his clothes off and have my way with him. His hand lifts and he takes the rest of his clothes off, he doesn’t even ask or try to find a condom, I guess it’s useless now anyway. He pulls my panties off and down my legs, then he lifts them over his shoulder. He looks down between us, wets his finger, then strokes me in the right place. One thing about Connick, no other man’s touch can make me go crazy as much as his does. No other man has come close to his touch. And I’ve had experience, lots of it, but no other compares. End of story. My moans increase, then he drops ever so slightly as well, lifting me up. He enters me hard, then stays still for just a moment before he starts moving. My hands play with my breasts which are still encased in their bra. I pull them out and squeeze my nipples. Connick sees this and pushes my hands away and touches them for himself, while I keep my legs wrapped around his waist as he fucks me. The buildup is fast and furious. Pushing his hands off of me, I reach for him and he lifts me, knowing what I want, and cradles me to his body as I bounce up and down. His tongue licks my ear then nips it, making me even wilder than before, making both our movements faster than before. It

doesn’t take long until we both reach exactly where we want to be, both of our breathing stops at exactly the same time. A high fulfilled for both of us, a desire we both crave yet stopped ourselves even with the impossibilities of more, it scares us both. I would fuck this man to his grave if I were allowed to. But it’s a pity feelings had to get involved and fuck it all up. He slowly places me softly back on the bed, laying me down gently. He walks away then comes back with a bottle of water, which he places to his lips then passes it to me before he climbs in next to me. I move to one side to give him room, but he pulls me back to him so our bodies are touching. “No sleeping, Milanka.” My eyes are heavy and that’s all I want to do. That’s all I have been doing for quite some time, just sleeping. “Are you ready again?” He smirks at me and I know he is, he always is. It’s like he was made for me at the sex store, yet I didn’t have to purchase him. Placing the water on the bedside table I turn to him, he’s still naked and on top of my sheets. He is hard, just like he said. I climb on him, sliding down very slowly until I can feel him at my entrance. It doesn’t take much for him to slide in, I’m already wet from our previous fuck, but now even more sensitive. He grabs my hips and starts rocking me back and forth, my clit is

being rubbed at the perfect pace and I know this won’t last long, I’m already halfway there just from looking at him. Running my hands along his chest and stomach, one of his hands leaves my body and I feel the pull of my hair before he tugs it hard, yanking my head back, making me arch my back. He sits up with me still inside of him and sucks on my nipple, paying massive attention to it before he goes to the next. My hips don’t stop moving, his other hand doesn’t either, pulling me back and forth. “Milanka…” “Tell me you missed me,” I breathe. “Tell me how much?” He doesn’t watch his words when we fuck, it’s like he loses his filter. “I’ve missed you like I forgot to breathe, I want to only breathe with you.” His hands wrap around my face, my hands do the same, both our bodies slowing in motion as we both come. My lips come down, first they graze his to taste him. Slow, soft kisses. His hand slides to my hair, pulling me in further. My mouth opens, his mouth opens, our tongues touch, and it’s like his eyes earlier, licking at a flame. He soothes me with such an intimate touch, I knew I could only give it to him. This right here, it feels so close, he feels like too much. I’m not running this time, I won’t pull back. I’ll take it all if I have to. I’ll take everything from

him that he has to give, and he won’t say no. Because he’s doing exactly the same thing, giving me all of him without even realizing it. In the touches, to how he looks at me. In his lips, to how they graze me. This is what I’ve always wanted, this right here is also what I’m most afraid of. He could tear my life apart worse than any other could. He has these pieces of me I’ve handed him over on a platter, letting him devour them if need be. No one can hurt me as much as Connick can. That’s what scares me the most.

I WAKE to a hand on my thigh and Connick breathing in my hair. My heart starts to race fast. What have I done? Did I do the right thing by letting him in again? Just as I start to calm down, he moves, pushing into me, pulling me closer. “Sleep,” he grumbles. Waiting a few more minutes until I feel him relax again, I slowly creep out from underneath him. He doesn’t move when I stand, walking to the door. Connick looks peaceful like nothing in the world could bother him. I wish it were the same for me. I wish it were that easy. Go to sleep to take all my worries away, but it isn’t working. Closing the door behind me, I go to the shower, turning it on to heat it up. I walk back out to check my cell.

Connick is sitting there and sleeping, but his cell is flashing. Looking to my closed door, I’m not sure if I should answer it, when it stops. Then starts again, this time Cherry’s name comes up. So, I decide I should answer it and Cherry starts talking fast. “Cherry… Connick’s asleep.” She pauses then says my name. “Milanka, is he with you? He didn’t show up today. We had a big meeting with an investor, he’s never late or misses them.” “Do you want me to wake him?” I ask, starting the walk to my room. “No. No, this is good. He needs to start slowing down. He does too much.” “Okay.” “How are you, Milanka?” “Good, thank you. Look, I better go, I’ll let him know you called when he wakes.” She laughs and says goodbye. Just as I place his cell down, it starts again. It’s on silent, thank God. Just as I decide I won’t look or even bother answering his call, I see the caller ID, and my heart stops and for a second. I wonder why he’s calling, then I remember it’s his brother. I can’t simply expect him to never speak to his own blood again. Turning the cell over, I walk back to the shower, knowing that’s one call I will never answer. I smell Connick all over me. He’s everywhere but intended to be nowhere.

I constantly wonder about how I’m going to tell him. What exactly I should say to a man like him who has never spoken of wanting a kid. The blood test came back positive. I couldn’t move all day when the doctor told me. I sat in my bedroom, staring up at the ceiling like it would magically tell me what to do. It didn’t. The doctor told me I was early, and that I should have a scan to see exactly how far along I am. I know exactly when it happened. It was in his office, the day I got back from vacations. So I am weeks, at best, pregnant. With his child. With Connick’s child. It plays tricks with me, repeat it enough, it might become real. Or it won’t. Soon though, I will start showing. Now Connick’s back in my life, he will notice. He’s always touching me, he doesn’t miss things either. Scrubbing my body, my legs are still sore. I sit down and let the water wash over me. The heat feels like a massage. A sharp pain pulls at my stomach, it shoots through me and I squeal when it does. Then another. My breathing becomes heavy, and at first, I think I have my period, but I can’t because I’m pregnant. Sitting up, the cramps don’t lessen, it just continues and now blood is flowing from me.

My hand covers my mouth and a large gasp leaves me. Dark blood is in my shower right now, and my stomach feels like it’s on fire. I have no idea what’s happening. It’s like watching something from my dreams while horror and disgust shoots through me. Trying to sit up higher, I hear the sound of it, like a tap that was left on and you can’t possibly turn it off. My hands want to shoot up and cover my ears, to block out that sound. Drip, drip. My hands roam my body, something is missing, something has disappeared somewhere, and a part of me is lost forever. All without my consent. My voice is broken, hollow when I call his name, “Connick.” I say his name loudly but without yelling. I hear his footsteps, he opens the door, looking in, seeing me bent over in the tub with the shower still on. He takes a step further in, and I can tell that’s when he sees the blood. His eyes go wild, he looks around then back to me, grabbing a towel. He works fast. The shower is off, and I’m picked up within seconds. He walks me to my bed, places me on it then disappears. I hear his voice, calling someone, but don’t see him. Even after I know he’s hung up, I don’t see him. Did he work it out? Does he think less of me now? Even though I don’t understand what’s just happened. I know what did happen.

I’ve just lost my baby. One I didn’t even know I wanted. And he can’t even be in the same room as me now.

CHAPTER 19

C ONNIC K

was up before me. I heard her voice M ilanka call my name, and the minute she did, I was up looking for her to bring her back to bed. Yet, I found her in her shower with blood. I didn’t think as I grabbed her body to carry her out. My concern was for her and how that could possibly have happened. Then she touched between her legs softly, and I knew what it was straight away. Cherry has had multiple miscarriages, and each one destroys her a little more. She wants a baby more than I want my businesses, and that’s saying something. Pacing the front of Milanka’s door with my black trousers on, I wait for him to come. The same doctor I have on call for all my problems. I don’t want to walk back into the room right now, I’m afraid of what will leave my mouth. Yet, I’m also

afraid to see her broken again. Last time was too much, and I pushed her away because of it. He doesn’t take too long and before he can knock I have the door open, walking him in, straight to where she’s curled up in a ball on the bed. She doesn’t even look up at us, sadness covers her face as she looks down at her knees. Dr. Miles starts talking to her, he looks at me to leave, so I do so, looking back one last time to see her eyes on me, lost, then shutting the door behind me. Pacing is what I do when I can’t work something out. It helps me sort out my issues in my head. This time, it’s not doing a fucking thing. Was it mine? Is this the reason she told me to stop asking questions the other night? Why wouldn’t she have just told me? The doctor opens the door and steps out. Milanka has a fresh towel under her now with her blanket wrapped around her. “She’s had a miscarriage,” I state to him. He nods his head, going on about how she will have to rest, and the medication she will need to be on. I try to pay attention to everything he’s saying, but my eyes are in the room, looking at her. “Thank you,” I say cutting him off. He nods his head, walking out and shutting the door behind him. “Milanka…” She doesn’t even look up, she stays exactly where she is. “Leave, please.” Her voice is muffled

by her blanket. “Milanka...” “Leave, Connick.” Grabbing my things, I make my way to her door, shutting it. I sit out front and call someone she may be able to talk to. Then I sit and wait, having no idea what’s going on but having a million fucking questions.

SHE TURNS up not long after I called her. Strutting her stuff as she walks up, typical Harlin. Looking down at me, she laughs. “Did she kick you out?” “I guess so.” “Is she in there? Or are you becoming a stalker?” “She’s in there. The door’s unlocked, just walk in. Oh, and Harlin…” she looks down at me with her hand on the handle, “… be gentle.” She winks, walking in and shutting the door. Flicking through my cell, I see Cherry has called as well as Derrick. Yet, Cherry’s was answered. Calling Cherry back and not that dickhead, she answers straight away. “Hey, I only spoke to Milanka just a bit ago. I told her not to wake you.” “She was bleeding, Cherry.”

“What? What do you mean she was bleeding?” “She was pregnant.” “And she didn’t tell you,” she whispers. “No, she didn’t.” “Where are you now?” “Sitting out front of her door, after she asked me to leave. Harlin is in there with her now.” “Oh Lord, why would you let Harlin’s crazy ass in there?” “Milanka likes her.” “Yeah, and I like tigers, but do you see me patting one?” she harrumphs through the cell. “Maybe you’re right. Harlin is different with her, in a way. Tell me, why did she ask you to leave?” “I don’t know.” “You walked out and started pacing, right?” “I have to go,” I say, hanging up. My ass is hurting by the time Harlin walks out. She slams the door then bends down and smacks me across the face. Then stands back up and smiles. “Told her I was doing that, you dickhead. You put her in bed and left her there without even asking if she was okay?” Her hand goes to her hip as she stares down at me. “Was it even mine?” Her eyes go wide. “If I hear you say that to her, I will tear that cock you call a penis from between your fucking legs and ram it so far up your ass you

will be able to see it in the mirror when you brush your teeth. Of course, it was yours.” She rolls her eyes at me. “She’s sleeping now. Doc gave her some meds.” Then she walks off, leaving me sitting in the same spot. Milanka was pregnant, with my child. Holy fucking shit. How the fuck could she not tell me that? That is not something you keep a secret. Standing, I open the door and walk straight back in. She’s still in a ball on the bed, but soft breathing leaves her as she lays there. Walking over to her, I touch her hair, she doesn’t even flinch. Then I grab my clothes and leave.

“NOPE, not happening. What are you doing here?” Cherry says as I walk into the office. “Why the fuck am I surrounded by women?” I mutter, stepping to my desk. She follows me, of course, she does. “Because you lack a mother’s attention, so you fill it with Harlin and me.” “Fuck off I do.” “Seriously, why the fuck are you here? You should be there.” “She didn’t even tell me. What the fuck am I meant to do with that?”

She shakes her head. “Have you considered she didn’t even know what to do? How to tell you?” No, I haven’t, the whole drive here I was thinking why the fuck didn’t she tell me. I know she likes to keep shit bottled up, it’s what she’s good at. But this is not something that should be bottled up. No fucking way. “It’s like a train wreck every time we’re together, something crashes, even when it’s good.” “Yeah, soon it’s going to be your face. Who does she have, Connick? Who is going to look after her right now? She needs you.” “She doesn’t need me. She doesn’t need anyone.” “She does, especially right now. Look, I know you’re hurt, but you will hurt a hell of a lot more if she hates you over this.” She’s right. I have to try. Something. “Just look after her. When she’s better and ready, she will tell you. Now leave. I’ve already canceled your meetings for the next two days.” She walks out, leaving me to myself. I go to my personal shower and get changed into fresh clothes before I leave.

SHE HAS MOVED and dressed when I arrive back, but she’s asleep again. I sit at the end of her bed,

waiting for her to wake, but not wanting to wake her either. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps. Eventually, she stirs as I do some work on my cell. I pocket my cell while turning to her, to see she’s staring at me. Not moving. “Milanka…” “I told you to leave,” is all she says. “I want to be here.” She shakes her head. “You don’t, and that’s okay. I never asked you to be.” Standing up, I start pacing the foot of her bed. She doesn’t move, she just watches me, very still. “You never told me, Milanka. How do you expect me to react?” She closes her eyes as she answers me. “I don’t want to have this conversation right now, Connick. I want to sleep.” Her eyes open again. “Fine, sleep.” I start taking off my clothes. “What are you doing?” She looks shocked. “You want to sleep, and I could use more sleep. I seem to sleep better with you anyway. Win, win.” Climbing into bed with her, she turns away from me, wincing when she moves. Curling up around her, I try to be as gentle as I can without harming her. That’s where we stay for two days, takeout and no words discussed, just silence and sleep.

CHAPTER 20

MILA NK A

stayed even when he shouldn’t have, C onnick he should have left when I told him to. He feeds me, cares for me and looks after me, even when I don’t ask for it. I’ve been waiting for the questions to come. But he still hasn’t asked any. I’m feeling better today, like I want to move. My boss, I’m sure, will be worried where I am. Harlin told me she was going to tell Serena, who in turn, was going to let my boss know I’m sick. My mind and body have needed time to heal, not just from the feeling of the loss. It’s the emotional torment that you put on yourself. Wasn’t I good enough? Was it something that I did? Is this my sin, from all my wrongdoings? For treating my body badly, instead of how they say it should be treated like ‘a temple.’

It couldn’t be that. Could it? Rolling over to face Connick, I see his eyes already on me. He’s waiting for me to talk first, for those words to leave my lips. “You can leave now. I think we’ve both have spent enough time in bed.” “Are you getting out of bed, Milanka?” He’s still shirtless. I forget how tragically beautiful this man is, even when I’m mad at him, hate him, loathe him. I still see him. “Yes, I cannot stay in bed forever. I feel better.” “So can we talk now?” he asks me. I sit up, and he does the same. “Ask.” My hands clench in my lap as I wait for the barrage of questions I know are coming my way. I deserve them. Instead, he starts with surprising me with his hands touching mine, holding and squeezing them. “How come you didn’t tell me?” “Tell you what?” He lifts an eyebrow at me. “Don’t play me like a fool, Milanka.” I drop my head and focus on our hands as I answer him. “It was a shock when I found out. Then we started talking again. I planned on telling you the next day, but then…” I trail off in thought as his hand squeezes and doesn’t let go. “Even if you thought I didn’t want kids, Milanka, you have to tell me these things. Do you

understand?” Even though his words don’t penetrate through me, I nod my head. He pulls me back down, so my back is on his chest as he kisses my hair. We stay that way not moving, until I know I can no longer remain in this bed for another minute. Pulling myself up, he follows, dressing straight away. I don’t comment on it because Connick should go now, he has work to do, and staying locked away in my hidey place isn’t going to get that done. After making a coffee, he walks out dressed to kill like he hasn’t been in bed with me for two days straight. He looks like he’s just arrived from a fashion show. “What do you need?” He sits down to do up his shoelaces and I refuse to answer, rather I just watch him. He looks up and smirks. “I need things to go back to normal.” Connick nods his head, stands and walks over to me. His hand touches mine softly. “We have never been normal, Milanka.” I touch his face. “I know. But we can try?” He nods his head. “Don’t expect too much. Normal is something I’ve never been.” I nod my head as he leans in to kiss my forehead, then he walks out, shutting the door behind him. I go to the window, watch as his car leaves, then go straight back to bed. Not intending on leaving there today.

A LOUD BANG wakes me up later on. Checking the clock, I realize I’ve been asleep for a good four hours. Climbing out and walking to my door, the bang comes again, followed by a voice. Pulling it open quickly, I see Serena standing there with a sad smile on her face. “Did I wake you?” Shaking my head, I walk back to the kitchen and attempt to make coffee. My cell is sitting next to it, and with a glance I observe several missed calls, messages, and some are even from Connick. “I wanted to see if you wanted to get out. You’ve been locked up in here for days. Some fresh air will do you good.” “I’m not in the mood today, Serena.” “How are things with him? I take it you told him?” Closing my eyes, I manage to pour the coffee. “I had no other option but to tell him.” Serena’s lips droop, and I know she’s sad for me. I can’t handle that, too much sadness. “He stayed for two days, I had to lie to get him to leave today.” She raises her eyebrows at me. “He cares.” “Maybe.” My cell starts ringing, Connick’s name appears on the screen. “Hello.” “I’m about to leave. What do you want to eat?”

“I’m eating with Serena tonight. Maybe tomorrow night?” He goes quiet, and Serena looks at me skeptically. “Do you need anything?” “No, thanks.” We hang up, and the minute we do, she starts with more questions. “I didn’t know we had plans?” “We don’t.” “Mils, you can’t do that. Don’t push him away.” Deflated—that’s how I feel. I just want to go back to sleep, forget, heal. “I just need to sleep… by myself tonight.” She nods her head slightly in semi-agreement, and then fills me in on her and Von. He’s been trying to win her back. Plus, trying to have her go back to work. She tells me she won’t, but Serena loves that bar. Every shift she was always smiling, and I know without a doubt she loves working with him. She tells me she won’t, but I’m pretty sure she will. Serena ends up leaving, and I go straight back to bed in an attempt to sleep my troubles away. It’s better than my other options. At least with this I have full control of my body.

I MADE an excuse for the next night, then the following night. I went back to work yesterday and told him I was working late and that I needed to rest afterward. The night before I had told him I was with Serena again. That was a lie, but the last one wasn’t. Work is a good distraction, it helps keep me focused, and I actually love everything I’m doing. Coming home is like locking me up after a wonderful day. I remember it all the minute I step back into my house. So each day that I go to work, I try to stay a little longer. Before I realize it, it’s been five days since I’ve seen Connick. I should have realized he wouldn’t let me go much longer without seeing him, so when I come home, he’s waiting at my door for me, with a bag in hand and his driver sitting out front. “You don’t like coming home, do you?” I shake my head. I love this place. It’s the biggest I’ve ever had, yet now it feels the smallest. I open the door and he follows me in with his bag. “Pack this full of everything you need. You’re coming to my place to stay. We can sort everything out here later.” “What do you mean… sort it all out?” “Exactly what I meant, you’re moving in with me. Now pack, so we can go and have dinner while it’s still hot.” “I don’t want to live with you, Connick.” He looks at me like my words don’t compute.

Did I stutter? “Why not?” “This isn’t normal…” I wipe my hands around in the air, “… we need to pace it.” “Fuck pacing it. You hate it here. I hate you being here… by yourself. Get your shit and come to stay with me, Milanka. Easy.” “I’ll stay, but I won’t move in.” “Fine, pack your shit so we can go. A cook is preparing our meals.” “You should have cooked.” He laughs at my words. “Maybe you should have cooked for me.” He winks at me, but my face stays the same, and he realizes it’s too soon for those words because he gets nothing out of it. His face turns back to straight, hiding his emotions as he passes me the bag. Taking it from him quickly, I walk to my room and pack lightly, enough to last me a few days. He grabs it, feels how light it is, but doesn’t comment. Then we drive to his home, where there is indeed a woman cooking our meals. They’re ready as soon as we enter. My last decent meal was with him at that Japanese restaurant, since then I’ve been snacking on things. I’m not in the mood to eat much more than that. The food tonight, though, makes my stomach growl, and I can’t help but eat as much as possible. Ribs and vegetables, followed by chocolate mousse.

“Your appetite is back.” He notices so much, it scares me how observant he is. “Tell me about your family, Connick? About your mother?” He places his spoon down from his mousse and turns to face me. “Why?” “I want to know. Tell me, please.” He nods his head. “She was beautiful… my mother. I don’t remember too much about her, she died when I was a child. She had little to no family at all. My eyes are from her, my skin. I thank her for that because if I were like him, I would be like Derrick. And I despise Derrick.” He notices my wince at the mention of Derrick’s name, and he gives me a half-smile. “She worked in a bar, much like you, when my father met her. He never married her, but he loved her. He tells me all the time that she was it, she was the one who held all of him. He doesn’t speak of her around my stepmother, she hates her. She hates that my mother was it for him and that she could never measure up to her.” “Do you miss her?” “I miss that I didn’t have her, yes.” “Thank you for telling me.” His lips smirk, but then he drops it. “You don’t want kids, do you?” “No, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want this child.” My head drops in shame. “I don’t want kids, Milanka, but if that’s what

you want. We can compromise.” “I don’t think I do… ever again.” “Tell me why… and I will never bring it up again.” We haven’t moved from our seats at the table. Instead, we sit there with empty plates in front of us, having a conversation that isn’t leading straight to sex. It’s so unlike us. “Because I don’t want to be like her.” “You could never be her, you two are completely different,” he says it as if he means it, but doesn’t he understand a part of me is already her?

CHAPTER 21

C ONNIC K

sleeps like the dead, still as still can M ilanka be, and she never moves. When I lay my hand on her during the night, she doesn’t even make a noise. When I get up and get ready for work, she doesn’t stir. Her alarm goes off on her cell when I’m dressed, and she reaches for it with her eyes closed. Kissing her on the cheek, she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me to her. Milanka pulls me down, so my body’s on top of hers, and I have to do everything in my power to not get hard. I think of dead dogs, grandmas, but it’s no fucking use. A simple touch from her drives me mad, but she isn’t ready for me yet. She needs to heal. Her body was put through so much, as well as her emotions. She releases me, so I stand and walk out to make her a coffee. I’m buttering the toast as she

walks in and she smiles. “I think I want to marry your bed.” My hand freezes as well as my body. She notices but doesn’t comment. “You made me coffee,” she gushes, placing it to her lips. Is that something else she wants? Marriage. Should I have asked her that? Fuck this shit. “I have to go to work. Your car is out front, and your keys are on the counter.” She nods her head with her coffee cup to her lips and her eyes closed. “Bye,” she mumbles, not even paying attention to me. She’s improved. Is that even a word for someone in her position? Improved? Or better. I don’t know which, but she seems happier this morning. She doesn’t have a dark look covering her eyes as she’s had in the past. A simple smile from her, a touch, it’s all I’ve ever needed. Even if she wasn’t happy for the rest of her life, I think I could suffice with just those two things. What does that make me? Does it mean I don’t love her the way people speak of love? Pulling up to work, I see him, standing outside, leaning against the glass window. He spots me straight away, a smirk touches his lips as he walks toward my car. Derrick isn’t welcome here anymore, he should know this, yet here he is like we are friends.

“Brother,” he greets me with a smile. What I want to do with that smile. If he knew, he wouldn’t be smiling that’s for damn sure. “What do you want, Derrick?” Locking my car, I make my way to him, intending not to give him much of my time before I walk away. “I want to work for you.” “No.” “Don’t ignore me, Connick.” Trying to walk past him, he stops me with his hand on my arm. Looking around, I see too many people are here, too many for me to do what I want. “You will remove your hand from me, Derrick. Now. Or it will be the last time you use it.” He drops it and scratches his face. “You took Milanka, like she was yours. You took this business as if it were yours. You can’t share at all?” “I suppose you expect me to share her as well?” His lip twitches. “Only if you wish.” I get close to his face. “You will never have her. Ever. She is mine. My business is mine. I don’t want to see you again, Derrick. That isn’t a threat, it’s a promise. If I see you again, I promise you, you may not be able to walk away.” “She’s pregnant.” “Who do you have, Derrick?” “You have your people, I have mine. Is it yours,

Connick? Because we both know how much she loves sex.” “Yes, Derrick, sex with me is what she loves. She loves it when I slide in and out of her. How she tells me I’m the only one for her. How no other men have fucked her as good as me. How does that feel, Derrick? That she doesn’t even think of you. That you don’t even compare to me.” Derrick spits in my face, then his fist comes up fast as he aims for me, but he misses as I move and he hits midair, throwing himself to the side. “You haven’t won, Connick. You think you have, but you haven’t won.” He walks away disappearing down the street, mingling in with the crowd of people. Walking into the office, Cherry looks behind me. “You’ve seen him?” I stride straight for my office where she follows me in. “Yes.” “I told him to leave, he thought otherwise.” “He won’t be a problem.” “If you say so…” She pauses and waits for my acknowledgment before she talks again. “How is she? Is she any better?” “She is today.” “Good. Don’t be a dick anymore with her. I have a feeling it’s the last chance she’s willing to give you,” she states as she walks out, leaving me to my own devices. Milanka doesn’t message me

throughout the day. She doesn’t even call. Milanka isn’t a needy woman, far from it. I, on the other hand, have tried to call her twice, with no answer. She mentioned she was going in to work, and she even had the new camera I bought her with her this morning, sitting on the counter with some other things. My father calls. Derrick, of course, called them or went to them after our visit today. It’s the last thing I want to listen to after the day I’ve had, because all I want to do is get back to Milanka. To see why she didn’t answer me today, to find out if she missed me. “You know better than to antagonize him. He goes straight to his mother like the little man he is,” my father says. “He needs to stay away from me. He needs to understand that, Father. I won’t have him around, fucking with my life.” “He loves this woman you have. Is this it?” “That’s not only it.” “Squish it, Connick. I don’t want to hear another word of it.” He hangs up on me, which annoys me when he does it. I quickly think that it must annoy those I do it to as well. I don’t give it a second thought, though, as I leave the office for the day. It’s tiring sitting behind a desk in front of a computer all day, and this is why I own a gym. It’s on nights like these that I go to the mud track.

Nights where I want to talk shit, and listen to them talk shit. But I want Milanka there with me, so I go straight home to her sitting on the steps of my house with her camera in hand. She looks up when I stop, smiles, then lifts her camera clicking it a few times before I reach her. “Good day?” “Very good. I love it. Today we met with this couple. She had been attacked one day on her way home from work. Her face was burned so badly that her skin was red and puckered. But when they touched, Connick, you could tell he loves her because he didn’t look at her, he looks inside her. It kind of reminds me of the way you look at me, even when you’re mad, you look inside me, not at me.” “It sounds like a beautiful day. I’m so glad, Milanka.” She stands to click the camera again at me. “We have plans tonight. Can you invite some of your friends?” My hand swings around her waist as I pull her to me. “I don’t have any friends.” “Fine, I invited Harlin and Cherry anyway.” I contain my groan of annoyance, but she catches it anyway and laughs into my chest. “Should we go then?” She pushes back off me. “Let me change.” Milanka’s camera is passed to me before she

takes off inside. Sitting down on the same step she just vacated, I flick through it, pictures of me first then it goes to the photos she was speaking of with the couple. Each photo is different, yet you can clearly see his love for her. He’s touching her face with gentle strokes across her scars. “They’re beautiful, aren’t they?” Milanka’s voice breaks through, and I stand up in front of her. She’s dressed in tight black jeans with a halter top. Passing the camera to her, Milanka smiles and walks past me to the car. I open the door for her and she climbs in. She’s too busy looking at her camera to pay attention when I climb in, and all I get from her is where we need to go, then she concentrates on her photographs and flicks through her pictures slowly one by one. Arriving at the restaurant, she places the camera in her bag and opens her own door, sliding out. I shadow her like a helpless man that has been following her all my life, yet I haven’t. Everyone is there when we enter, even a man she works with. Von. He sits next to her friend Serena, and they all smile and kiss her cheek with a quick hello to me. “It looks like no ass kicking is needed now, Mils. You look so happy.” Harlin lifts her lip at me then turns back to Milanka. Placing my hand on her leg she follows covering mine with hers.

“No, not today. I’ll put that on hold, though, just in case, thanks.” She laughs, and I love it, the sound of her laughter is music to my ears. My eyes stay on her, and only her, for most of the evening. She talks to everyone equally, never leaving anyone out. She holds my hand every second, apart from when she eats. Milanka smiles and makes conversation, even when she doesn’t have to. No one asks her about it, no one asks about us either. They just leave it be. Which is for the best, because we still need to figure out exactly what we are. And I don’t think there’s any rush for that, at least I hope not. Harlin starts mumbling, and I know she’s had way too much to drink. We’ve been sitting here for almost three hours now, and we are some of the last customers left in the restaurant. Von kisses Serena, and they say their goodbyes. Harlin mumbles again, and I only just make out that she’s getting up to leave. The only person left is Cherry, who’s watching us intently. “I’m happy for you, you know. You always held yourself back, never went anywhere near serious. She is something serious.” Milanka turns to look at us, missing what Cherry has said and suggests we all leave as well. “She can’t have sex, Connick. She needs to stop bleeding.” Cherry knows all about Milanka, she’s read all the files I have on her. She knew I followed her,

and exactly when it became more. She’s warning me because of what’s happened, and how Milanka is now. I think she’s wrong. I don’t think Milanka wants sex. Especially not after what’s happened to her. “Thank you,” Milanka says, walking to my car. Her lips come down on mine, soft, tender lips that taste like wild berries. She lingers, and I get a shock because she never goes for the lips. Yet, I won’t stop either. As I’ve said, any part, any touch, I can steal from her I’ll take, and if it’s those lips, I will die a very happy man to have them on me.

CHAPTER 22

MILA NK A

he’s a new man wrapped in the old I t’sone’slikeclothing. I didn’t want him to change, just his views on what we could have been, instead of pushing it away like he so easily did. Now he’s attentive, I can see that he cares, I just couldn’t see it all that well before. Maybe it was because I didn’t know him that well, and now I can read him easier. When he’s angry, he paces, which means he cares. When he’s overthinking, his hands want to hit things, knock things. And when he looks at me, his eyes turn a darker gray the longer he stares. I’ve taken over his room the last two weeks. Connick was right, me being out of my house has helped me heal, not fully, I don’t think it’s possible to fully heal from what I went through, or maybe it is just him. Maybe it was him that I’ve needed. He’s gone when I wake most mornings, but he

always has my coffee ready and all I need to do is boil the kettle. The last few days I’ve been snapping photos of him, each and every moment I can capture. He requested some to have me in the photo with him, and one of them is my favorite. We are in bed, my head is tucked under his arm as he holds the camera up with me smiling. We look like a happy couple, one with no troubles, how wrong that is. Have we aired everything out? Probably not yet. We both have issues, it’s a matter of how we handle them. Everyone has issues and I have come to accept his, as well as he has come to accept mine. Walking out dressed and ready, I don’t bother looking up, because Connick’s house is a wellsecured neighborhood. It makes me feel safe being here with him. Harlin pulls up on her motorbike as I get to my car, she takes her helmet off and puts it in the car with me as she climbs in. “What? How come not here?” “I found this beautiful little spot just down the road. It will be perfect.” “If you say so.” She opens her cell and stares at it as she scrolls—Facebook by the looks of it. I don’t have an account on any social media, though Harlin tells me I need to if I wish to have my own business. I don’t want to be a part of it, though. Maybe I can convince her to do it for me.

We pull up to a small lake, large rocks are scattered around everywhere with water streaming between them. Passing Harlin a bag as she gets out and begins undressing. Harlin doesn’t care that she’s out in the open as she gets changed into the clothes I brought for her as I set up my camera. “I want you to lay on the rocks and arch your back.” “That shit’s cold, woman, I don’t want to lie on it,” she complains, already dressed in basically nothing. “You want them perfect and sinful? Get your ass in that water, woman.” “Fuck, you’re such a bitch.” I laugh at her bitching as she steps in. She listens to every pose I suggest, and she’s honestly the perfect model. Her bone structure is magnificent, her tattoos shine through the water droplets and match her exterior. “I wonder what it’s like to be you.” She starts getting dressed as I look at all the photos through the viewer. “You don’t want to know, trust me.” “Why, Harlin?” “Because what you have been through is a walk in the park compared to what I grew up with.” She doesn’t say any more as she walks to the car, opening the door and getting in. I wonder what she meant by that, considering she knows most of my life and what I’ve been through.

What has happened? I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone. Though she says she’s had worse, and I’m inclined to believe her. Harlin doesn’t lie to make herself appear fearsome or worse, she’s already there.

I TRIED TO COOK, I really did after my day with Harlin, but I burnt it all. Now I’m stuck ordering takeout hoping Connick will be home soon. Time has gone fast since staying here, my heart and head are slowing healing, and it’s all thanks to Connick. I bet he doesn’t even know it, he just does him, and that seems to be enough for me. Without asking for a thing. Sex is that one thing he hasn’t pursued. I wonder if he thinks I’m tainted, or if he is afraid, or if it’s for my own well-being. Not wanting to ask him, though, because I haven’t been ready either. Sleeping next to him is enough for me. Who would have thought that? Me, able to sleep next to a man, especially one who looks as good as Connick and not want to jump him and have my way with him. It’s a foreign concept for me. That’s what our situation has done to us, this is what it’s done to me. Hearing a knock at the door, I grab my purse, ready to pay for the food. Opening it, I take the

exact amount out with a tip, and when I look back up, I gasp. My hand flies to the door trying to shut it, but I have no luck as Derrick’s hand comes up, stopping me from doing so. “Mils…” The way Derrick speaks my name sends shivers through me. He shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be anywhere near me. I don’t want him here. “Mils, let me talk to you.” He pushes the door so it bangs on the wall forcing it all the way open. “Leave, Derrick.” He shakes his head, stepping one foot inside. “No, Mils, you need to listen to me. We need to talk. We can do it here, or you can come with me.” I don’t want to talk with him, let alone be anywhere else. But Connick should be home soon. I haven’t spoken to him all day as I always forget my cell, but he comes home around the same time every day. Today he’s late. I wish he weren't late. “You can stand there to speak, Derrick, you don’t need to come in.” My hands are shaking because I remember that trailer only too well and how he left me in it for days. Starved me. His wife beat me. I was living in squalor and in the dark. “I don’t think that’s smart. Plus, this isn’t your house, Mils, it’s my brother’s.” “And I live here. I don’t want you in here.” “You think you have rights because you bear

his child, Mils?” My eyes widen in surprise. “You didn’t think I would find out? That was meant to be our child, Mils. You aren’t supposed to be with him.” “You didn’t even want me, Derrick. Why do you care so much? We didn’t love each other as teenagers, and I left because of that reason. Nothing kept me there.” He growls taking a step toward me, his hand reaches out but I take a step back. Wrong move, because it allows him to enter more inside the house. “You should have stayed because of me. I loved you, Mils. I still love you, more than he could ever love you. I married her because she begged me to, because she had my child. I didn’t choose her. I choose you.” Looking past him, I hope for Connick’s car to come driving in, but nothing. I’m left now in the house with a madman, one that scares the hell out of me. “She loves you. Nicole loves you. You should be with her.” “So you can be with him? Is that what you’re saying, Mils? You disregard me without a thought.” Something’s wrong with him. It’s like a merrygo-round that won’t stop. He keeps on talking in circles like he doesn’t understand what’s

happening. Why can’t he understand why I won’t choose him? It’s simple, I don’t like being around him. He disrespects me. Treats me like garbage. Considers me no more than a whore. Plus, there’s no love there at all on my part. Not an ounce. “What do you need from me, Derrick?” My voice is calmer than it should be, but I don’t want to make him mad. Staying calm is my best option with him right now. His hand reaches out to touch my hand, and I try my hardest not to revolt, but I flinch when he touches me. “Just you, Mils. It’s all I have ever wanted.” “What about Connick?” He squeezes my hand hard. “What about Nicole?” I add. He drops my hand with a flick and shakes his head at me. “We will go far, far away. Just us two, Mils.” “You shared me, Derrick, like I was your toy. I am not your toy.” “You were mine. I do what I please with mine, Mils. You will do well to remember that.” “But I’m not yours anymore.” Wrong thing to say, and I realize this as soon as I’ve said it. He comes forward fast, and his fist connects with my stomach—my still-healing stomach. I drop to the floor, breathing hard. “I’ll get his kid out of you and place my own in there, Mils. You watch.” He walks away, I can hear his footsteps. My stomach groans in pain, as I try to stand to reach

for the door, but his footsteps come back fast. “Mils, do you still bear his child?” His voice comes from right behind me. “Fuck you, Derrick.” He grabs hold of my hair, pulling then dragging me. I try to use my feet, so I do not lose all my hair with his pull. “He won’t save you again, Mils.” “What did you do, Derrick?” He drops me so my head slams on the floor, then he climbs on top of me, so he’s straddling me. “Nothing to my dear brother, as of yet. I may have played with his car, though. Were you expecting him soon?” He laughs maniacally then knocks me hard across the face, my vision blurs, but I hear his words as he speaks, “That night, Mils, why can’t we go back to that night? It was magical the way you put the knife in that man who touched you at your mother’s. Don’t you remember? We left that night, made love by the night sky. I knew then I could never give you up. You had such passion, plunging the knife firmly into him, that’s why I held the knife for so long. Knowing you would come back for it, it was my leverage over you. It was my way of keeping you, Mils. Why don’t you see that? I would do it all again for you, Mils. I love you. But now you’re contaminated, and that needs to be fixed.” His words begin to fade as my vision blurs, and

all I see is Derrick standing over me with a knife.

AS MY CONSCIOUSNESS RETURNS, the first thing that leaves my mouth is a scream, a scream of pure agony. Derrick is still sitting on me, knife in his hand, as he concentrates on my belly. “Derrick, stop.” Tears leave my eyes as he digs it into my skin. “I need to get rid it, Mils. Not enough to kill you, just the baby. We can’t be tied to him anymore. Go back to sleep, Mils. It will all be okay when you wake.” Tears don’t stop, but my screaming stops. He notices that I don’t sleep as he asks, and smacks me again. Making sure I see stars once more. How much more of this life am I to take? Has it not dealt its hand on me enough?

CHAPTER 23

C ONNIC K

Derrick’s cell, I get no answer. I know it C alling was him, the dumb fuck, I have security everywhere. Cameras everywhere. It takes a good hour for them to fix the car. I’ve tried reaching Milanka to inform her I’ll be late, but I never have any luck because she never answers her damn cell. I often wonder why she has the fucking thing. When I arrive back home, the lights are on and the door is shut, but there’s a car parked out front. One I don’t know. I’ve never seen it before. Walking up to my door, a light flickers off as I place my hand on the doorknob and I hear a soft sound float out to me from inside. Opening the door fast and stumbling back in shock, I see Milanka on the floor, her stomach bleeding and passed out. Derrick. He’s nowhere to be seen.

Walking in and leaning down to Milanka, I try to wake her. She whimpers but doesn’t wake up. My hands are fisted and my heart is beating fast. The things I want to do to this man. How did he even get in? I told security not to let him pass, yet I know he’s here. “Derrick, I would stop the games.” Covering Milanka’s stomach and kissing her forehead, I leave her on the floor to find him. He’s still in here somewhere, I know it. “Derrick, last chance.” He doesn’t come, but I hear the sound of his fast breathing. Walking out of the entry and into the living room where there’s a cloakroom, the door slams open, and Derrick stands there with the knife in his hand. Blood licks the blade that he’s hurt her with. “You can’t have everything, it’s not fair, Connick.” “You wouldn’t understand fair, Derrick. You have a family. I tried to be the good son, the good brother. No longer, Derrick.” “You won’t kill me. Father would hate you.” My head drops to the side. “Who says he would find out?” His eyes go crazy, he knows what I’m talking about. Reaching for my cell in my pocket, I press a button, calling someone who will be here as soon as I need them, then I place it back. “What did you just do?” he asks, noticing my

moves. “What did you do to her?” “I wanted to cut your baby out.” “She lost the baby, Derrick.” He shakes his head. “Milanka would have said so. She wouldn’t have let me cut her if she didn’t have the baby.” “Maybe you’re more fucked up than you realize, and because you are, I can no longer have you near her.” He tries to look past me to her, but I block his view which makes him angry and his grip tightens on his knife. “Just remember, you asked for this.” Walking toward him with my hands at my sides, he tries going in the other direction but nothing is there except a wall. He swings the knife, trying to cut me, and it just misses my face when it comes down. I barrel into Derrick, taking him down in one swift movement. The knife drops from his hand, and he tries to push me away to get to it. I’m stronger than him so he doesn’t succeed. We wrestle on the floor. Derrick bites my arm, making it bleed, but I don’t let go, I won’t give him the upper hand—he’s had that too many times before and I won’t give it to him again. My fist comes down hard on his cheek. He laughs when I lift it. “I did that to her.” So I do it again, and again until his face is hardly recognizable, but he’s still awake.

“Connick.” Her voice sounds broken. Turning around to face her, she’s now standing next to me, looking down at both of us. “Move away, Milanka. Now.” She turns but walks around us. We both watch her, Derrick through one eye, me with both. She leans down, her hand covering her stomach and she holds it. “I don’t want to.” She picks the knife up from the ground while Derrick laughs loudly. His laugh is sickening and makes my skin crawl. “She’s going to kill you,” he says to me, looking at me now. Milanka bends down, so she’s level with me and looks me dead in the eye. “Milanka…” What would I do if she stabbed me again? Would I even try to defend myself? Last time I asked her to do it but I won’t do that again. “I love you, Connick.” She wants to smile, but it doesn’t touch her lips. Derrick’s laugh stops, his one good eye looks to her. “Mils…” She shakes her head at him. “No more, Derrick. Maybe you were my devil after all.” She strokes his hair, then the knife comes around and she slices his throat, fast and mercifully. The knife drops to the side of his head as she watches his neck bleed out. When he takes his last breath, she drops back

onto her ass with tears soaking her face. Standing up and off of him, I walk to her, lift her up and cradle her in my arms. “Well, shit! Told you she could handle herself.” Harlin is inside. She walks over to Derrick and kicks his body. “Piece of shit,” she says to his corpse. “Harlin, get the first aid kit. Now.” She salutes me, walking away. I carry Milanka to our room, laying her on the bed. She doesn’t let me go, she holds onto me when I place her down. “He was sick.” “Don’t make excuses for him, Milanka.” She shakes her head, letting go, and she winces as she does, then pulls her shirt up. “It doesn’t look deep, just a surface cut I think.” “Do you want my babies, Connick?” “Is this the right time for those questions, Milanka?” “Is there ever a good time?” she asks. “I don’t want kids,” is all I tell her. Harlin walks in, saving me from more conversation. I start cleaning her wound and then dressing it. She asks for some pain medication for her headache, and I go fetch it for her, taking Harlin out of the room with me. “Maybe you should have said you’d think on it.” “What?”

“The kid part… you should have said, I don’t know. You just upset her.” “I don’t lie to her.” Harlin laughs then stands back from me. “I’ll get rid of his body. Go and make up for your fuckhead brother.” Getting her some medicine, I wait until Harlin is gone before I walk back to our room. When I step inside, Milanka’s packing her things, flinching when she pulls her stomach. “What are you doing, Milanka?” “I need to leave.” I take the bag from her. “No. You don’t. You need rest. Get back in the bed.” She shakes her head. “I need to work out… really work out… if this is what I want. I love you, that’s obvious. But I had a taste of it, Connick, of what it feels like to love something you didn’t even know you wanted. I didn’t want kids, it scared me more than you did. But I can see it, I can see kids. I’m sure I won’t be as bad a mother as she was. I think I could be better.” “You would be.” “See, you say all the right things then the wrong things at the same time. You take my feelings and swing them around like a father swings his child making them dizzy. I know I’m no better, but fuck. My life this year has been hell. You made some of that hell. Not all of it was Derrick, you contributed

to it, too. I can forgive you for it, I know I can, I partially have. What can I expect from you, though? Will you love me? Will you want to have a family? Marriage even… maybe… one day?” I stare at her and her words, they’re a lot to take in. Most I don’t have answers for, actually none right now. “Stay.” “See, you don’t even know. You want me here because you enjoy me.” Her hand touches my face. “I enjoy you as well, Connick. You bring strength to me, something I never knew I had. I can conquer so much with you by my side. You’re a feeling of empowerment, powerfulness, toughness. I could get through anything in this world with you in it.” “What’s wrong with that?” “It’s not enough. I never wanted more. Don’t you think it’s time I want more than what I’ve always gotten? I’ve settled for a shitty life because a shitty life was all I knew.” My hand touches her face, it’s bruising, and I hate that he hurt her. Again. “I won’t push you away again, Milanka.” “I know, I’m pushing you away for now. Just for a little while. Just while I think. Is that okay?” “As long as you come back to me.” “I’m afraid I won’t have a choice in that matter.” She leans in and kisses my lips. I can taste the blood from her lip, but that doesn’t stop me. My hand grips her cheek not wanting to hurt her, but

not wanting to push her away either. “Stay,” I whisper against her lips. She doesn’t answer, just continues to kiss me, taking parts of me like they’re hers in the first place. I’ll give it to her, all of it. Because I love her. Fuck, I love her. How the fuck did that happen? It shocks me so much that I can’t form the words I need to say as I watch her pull her lips away from mine. She gives them to me willingly now, those kisses, even if they are few and far between. I could steal her kisses as I’ve stolen her heart if only she would let me.

CHAPTER 24

MILA NK A

been hurt, it feels like a never-ending I ’ve cycle, one that’s done with for good now. I’ll never see Derrick’s face again, never be hurt by his hand again. My hands shake all the way home, and my stomach screams with pain. I can still feel the knife digging in ever so slowly. It was like he wanted to take his time, carve me without permanently damaging me. Lifting my shirt when I come to a stop, the bandage Connick put on is filled with blood. Surface wounds bleed more or, so I am told. Is it possible for me to live a normal life? One not filled with demons and evil men. Is it possible for me to be happy without those that had once cared for me and were destined to hurt me? All the men around me have inflicted pain in one way or another. Derrick with his actions, Connick with his words. They hurt the most,

they’ve struck me the most. I could see his worry tonight as he looked at me, I could see his anger as his fists came down hard on Derrick’s face. It was pure anger, I’ve never seen him like that before. I know he’s not a calm man, one with no hidden demons. He has them, of that I’m sure. But he tells me, lays it all bare when I confront him, he just doesn’t give it willingly. Walking into my house, my eyes track to the bathroom, the same one that took a part of me. It hurts my heart to think of it, and the things it does to my soul are unimaginable. My life started moving forward, I felt it. Then it got dragged back again tonight. I was working, doing something that actually brought me enjoyment. I finally had some peace with Connick. It was a good few weeks until tonight. Now, I need time to mend, because I’m coming first. I have said it to him and I mean it. I start cleaning, it’s the only thing I can do to try and clear my mind. It hurts every time I bend to scrub something. Actually, it hurts almost every time I move, but I don’t care, the pain is a reminder that I’m still alive and breathing. My hands shake with every movement I make, my heart beats out of my chest with every breath I take, but I need this. Closing my eyes, I try my hardest to calm that heart of mine. The cleaning is helping distract me from what the world is doing or what’s going on around

me. And before I know it, I’ve smashed a vase on my counter, and tears are dripping down my face. The cuts on my stomach are aching. Everything hurts. Then I take another breath, trying to push it all back. Now it’s all finally over for me, this is peace, I should be happy that I am no longer there with him. I wish my body knew that. Time goes fast, so fast that soon my house is spotless. I’ve cleaned everything. Placed my mother’s photos from her in my box, in my closet. One day I will burn that box and the memories it holds, but right now I’m not ready. Laying on my bed with the sun shining through, I sleep, letting the demons in. With wet cheeks, a sore stomach and a broken heart, I sleep.

MY BED HAS BEEN good to me, two days’ worth of good to me. My wounds are healing, and I can move without scorching pain ripping through me now. I haven’t turned my cell on, I haven’t answered the door when people have come to bang on it. The only person I called was my boss, who didn’t expect me in for a few days anyway as he had no bookings. He told me to take the week off, but I need to get out. As I move to open the front door, there are two

things on my step—my camera, and roses. Picking them both up, I place the roses inside and take my camera with me. Harlin’s house isn’t too far from mine, and I’m glad to see her bike parked out front when I arrive. Knocking on her door, a man answers wearing only jeans, his chest is completely covered in tattoos, his hair blond as well as his beard. He scratches his junk as he stands in front of me and his eyes wander up and down. “What do you want?” “Is Harlin here?” He looks behind him and then his eyes come back to me. “She’s preoccupied.” His smile is mischievous. “Oh okay, can you tell her Milanka stopped by, please.” Looking at him one more time to make sure he understood, I turn to walk away. “Tart.” Her voice comes through the door. I turn, and there she is, naked, smiling and leaning on the man that’s still watching me. “You’re busy, I can come back.” I wave her off. She shakes her head. “No, come in, I’ve finished.” She laughs and walks back inside, the man stands in the doorway blocking my way as I go to follow her. His eyes stick to mine, and for a moment I think he’s going to say to something, then he moves to the side to let me pass, but not far enough away so I have to touch him when I walk in. Harlin sits on her couch with her legs crossed

and pulls on a shirt. “I stopped by your house yesterday, you didn’t answer.” “I was sleeping.” Her head drops to the side as she smirks at me. “I call bullshit. You do this thing where you like to hide. Don’t deny it.” “I’m good at hiding.” “You are.” She lights a smoke, leaning back and turning on the television. “Want to get drunk?” I start to shake my head, then I stop. “Sure.” She hands me something in a glass bottle she’s pulled from the fridge, and I place it at my lips, drink a sip and almost spit it back out. “You haven’t tasted beer before?” Her eyebrows raise in suspicion. “I haven’t drunk before.” “You have to be kidding me. Really? Is it because of your mother? I met her once, she loved the drugs.” Nodding my head, she smiles. “You’re nothing like her. Don’t think because you want to indulge in the pleasures of life you’ll end up like her. If we all thought that, I would be a good Christian girl.” “Your parents were Christians?” “Yep, and not the good kind either. The ones that like to mark your skin and think everything you do is an act of sin.” “Are they, well… are they alive?”

“I haven’t killed them, no. Yes, they’re still live. I haven’t spoken to them, though, in a very long time.” Taking another sip, I try not to spit it back out. “Who do you have to support you?” “Why would I need anyone?” “We all need someone.” Her lips form a straight line. “How long has it been… before Connick did you have someone, Milanka?” “I don’t have Connick.” She clucks her tongue at me. “Lies. You have him, and it confuses you. Because he was not loyal. And now that he is loyal, you aren’t used to loyal.” “I tried before the lies took hold.” “Yes, I know, but don’t you think you have punished him enough? I’m not here to say you should take him back if that’s not what you wish to do. I’m just telling you to make up your fucking mind.” Taking another sip, I almost drink the rest of the bottle in one go. She hands me another and has one for herself. The man comes in and sits next to Harlin, touching her bare thighs. “Your friend come to join us?” Harlin looks at me and smiles at my state of panic. “No. You can also fuck off now, too.” “Our fun isn’t over yet.” She pushes him off her, and he stands swearing

at her as he walks to the front door. “So let’s have some fun.” She turns on her music and opens another beer, drinking it faster than the one before that. I try to do the same, but can’t stomach the taste of it. Two and a half are all I can manage to drink before I feel the full effects it has on me. Harlin is dancing around the room still partially naked as I try to stand. It’s dark by the time she stops dancing. We hear a knocking sound and Harlin runs to the door, opens it, then comes back to continue her dancing. She doesn’t stop as Connick walks in, doesn’t stop when he sits down next to me. My body wants to turn toward him, to touch him. “You’re attracted to her wildness, aren’t you?” His voice is still loud even over the music as he speaks to me. “Her truth.” I turn back to look to Harlin and watch her dance and the way she moves. Another song comes on and I can still feel his eyes on me. Turning, I watch him staring, and I don’t know what to say. “How are you healing?” Before I can answer him, Harlin pulls me up by my arms as I’m staring at him with the answer on my lips, but nothing comes so I go with her. We dance in her living room like I used to see the teenagers do at Derrick’s parties. They always looked so carefree and like they were having fun.

It’s exactly like that, except I have the eyes of a man, a very handsome man, a very powerful man, watching my every move. “Connick, show her your moves.” My hands are on my hips, but they become replaced by his. I know Connick’s touch, I have it memorized. Our bodies connect, my back to his front, his hands cover my hips, being careful to not touch my stomach as he holds me and rocks his hips back and forth. His touch does things to me that shouldn’t be happening. I haven’t wanted sex for quite some time now. Not just due to what’s happened to me, but because I’m scared of what it will do to me. Will it take me straight back to that person I was? The addiction for it was so strong, I think it could be worse than any other drug on this planet. My addiction to Connick is out of this world. “I’ve missed you.” His voice is raspy in my ear. “You’re drinking. Why are you drinking?” I ignore his question, turning around, so our bodies are even closer, front to front. His hands clasp my ass as he squeezes. “I’ve missed you,” he says again. I nod my head into his chest and let my hands roam up and down his perfect suit, feeling all of him underneath it. How could I have possibly stayed away, it’s a stupid thing to do. He’s my weakness, as much as I am his.

“If you’re going to fuck, please get a room. Unless you want me to join.” Harlin’s laugh follows her words as Connick growls in my ear. “I have missed you, too,” I whisper to him, while ignoring Harlin. “You will come back with me… live with me.” It’s not a question, but I feel the need to answer him anyway. “Yes.” Pulling away, I look him dead in the eye. “Space didn’t really happen, did it?” I want to laugh, I asked for it after all. Yet, here I am in his arms. “I’m the last person you need space from, you will always be number one to me Milanka, remember that.” He starts to pull me away from Harlin and toward the door. I turn back to her, waving as she gives me the finger then laughs as I’m picked up and carried out the door. “Fuck all night… for me,” Harlin’s loud voice comes through. “Go to fucking sleep, Harlin,” Connick’s voice booms over me. A laugh leaves my mouth as he holds me up around my ass, careful not to put any pressure on my stomach. I wonder if he knows he’s doing it, being so careful without any knowledge of doing so.

CHAPTER 25

C ONNIC K

hand touches mine as I drive, she giggles H erwhen my hand sneaks up her thigh. Turning into my driveway, I wait for her to ask to turn back and to not come here ever again, but no words leave her lips. Getting out of the car, I walk around to let her out. She slides across to me without any hesitation. Opening the door of my house, the floor is cleaned of blood. Not just hers, his as well. She stops and looks at the spot where she was pinned to the floor, but doesn’t say anything as I take her hand, leading her up to the bedroom. Some of her stuff is still here, and I never intend to get rid of it. She lets go and walks around, her hand dragging on the dresser that holds both our clothes, then she turns to look at me. “Do you love me, Connick?” Her hand stays to her side, her posture eager and waiting for my

answer. “I do.” Milanka’s steps to me feel like they take ages until she finally reaches me. Her hand comes up to touch my shoulder, she grabs it, kisses my neck then pulls back. “Say it.” Her green eyes pin mine with her stare. “I love you, Milanka.” She smirks at me. “Was that so hard? I don’t have a knife on me today, so I’m not forcing it out of you.” “You could never force me to say what I don’t want.” She laughs and nods her head. “This is true. But now you’ve said it… how does it feel?” Her hand touches my heart as she speaks. “It feels the same, Milanka. You are here, that’s all I want.” “If only life were that easy.” My hands cascade around to her ass and lift her up, so she wraps them around me. She winces in a small amount of pain and I lay her on the bed to ease it. The minute my hands are off of her, she starts undressing, removing her clothes. Milanka’s stomach is still bandaged, but she doesn’t seem to care that it’s causing her pain at all. I begin removing my clothes as well, not intending to fuck her but to go to sleep. She isn’t thinking straight

right now, and adding sex to the mix will only complicate things. As soon as my pants are off, she’s naked and leaning back on her elbows, staring up at me. I wish right now I was a holy man of some sort that could easily turn away from looking at her, but she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and her laying on my bed waiting for me isn’t helping that fact at all. Turning to switch off the light, I walk to my side of the bed and get in. I feel her move, so she’s beside me. “You don’t want me?” she asks, not touching me, but her voice sounds sad. “Of course I want you, but you’re injured.” I feel her turn in the bed, her ass coming into contact with my side, and she reaches for my arm, pulling me over so it tucks under her arm as she holds it, then places it on her breast. She pushes back into my already hard cock. “We can fuck soft,” she whispers. I don’t do soft. I only do hard. But I don’t want to hurt her. “You won’t hurt me.” She pushes back again, rubbing on me. My free hand reaches between us, and she opens her thighs just enough for me to slide straight in. She starts breathing heavily, and my hips begin moving along with hers. Her hand squeezes hard on my own, while my other hand squeezes her breast. She pulls my fingers off placing them in her

mouth and sucks one until it pops out, then places it between her legs on her clit. Milanka starts rubbing herself with my own hand as I fuck her from behind, careful not to go too fast or hard in my efforts to not hurt her. It takes everything in me to control myself, to not flip her over and lift her ass in the air. “Faster,” she whispers. My hips start moving at her words as if she’s taken hold of them and has full control. “Harder,” she says. My hand starts rubbing her faster until I feel her almost there, she tightens around my cock just as I come as well, while I fuck her until I can no longer. Her grip on my arm loosens and she sighs happily next to me. I go to move, but she holds me still next to her. “Just stay.” Her voice is a sleepy whisper. It isn’t long until she is asleep. I’m still inside her but she doesn’t seem to care. I wait until she’s fully asleep before I move, sliding out of her and straight into the shower. Washing myself, I wonder what I can do to make her happy. What is it that she needs that she hasn’t gotten from me? I’m not talking about kids. That can wait for a long time, if at all. We will come to that when the time is right, and right now it isn’t. No, I mean to make her smile every day, to make her feel safe. What does she need? She won’t tell me because she doesn’t like

possessions. Even so, I like to buy them for her because seeing her mad or happy at me is the best fucking experience ever. When she’s mad, I want to bend her over and fuck her into submission, but when she’s happy my heart does this stupid thing where butterflies take flight in my belly. I hated that feeling until I loved it, until I realized it was all for her. Walking back in, I see she’s still in the same position I left her—blankets over her, curled on her side. Taking the towel I have wrapped around me, I wipe between her legs and discard it onto the floor before I climb back in next to her. She turns when I come back like she knew I was gone, and now I’m back in place her hand is on my chest and she falls back to sleep. To love someone is to sacrifice your beliefs. To love someone such as Milanka, you have to give her pieces. And piece by piece is what I’ve given her. No, she has it all with my consent.

HER HAND IS on my cock, stroking it in long movements when I wake up. Looking up, she’s sitting on my legs watching me, waiting for me to wake fully. “Do you think I’m addicted?” she asks as she

strokes. I pull her forward by her ass, position her over me, and she reaches between us to insert me into her. “Do you think it’s evil? A sin maybe?” She drops down, her head tilting back. “If this is a sin, I’m going to hell one happy man.” She laughs and stops shaking her head. “Seriously, though, do you worry… that maybe you won’t fulfill me forever? That my addiction will take over and lead me to another’s bed?” My hands dig into her hips then I move her with force, she moans and I loosen my grip, then she stops again. “Maybe you can’t stop it, this thing inside of me.” “Woman, shut up.” She laughs, and it makes me happy. All those butterflies and shit. “I’m serious.” “So am I, now fucking move before I move you.” She crosses her arms over her chest, lifting her tits up. “Fine, we are really going to have this conversation while I’m inside of you waiting for you to fuck me?” “Yes, yes we are.”

“No, I think I’m enough for you. You think everything you did, it defines you, but it doesn’t. If you have the itch to go back to your addiction, you can tell me, and I will come to you no matter where in the world I am, Milanka. I will come to you. You are not to fuck another soul… only me. Do you understand?” She smirks and then starts moving back and forth. “I like it when you get all caveman on my ass.” She leans forward and kisses my lips before she sits back up, rocking faster and faster, her moans leave her lips, my groans leave mine. I meant every word, I would travel to any part of the world for her if it were to help her. Any fucking part of the world without hesitation. Her hands lift up threading through her hair as she moves, it’s such a beautiful sight to witness, to see her like this and to know I will be the last man on earth to see all of this. Because no one else will touch her ever again. The minute we both climax, her hands drop from her hair and she looks at me with love in her eyes. “That was fun. I like to get the words out of you when we’re fucking.” “You are evil, woman.” Her head throws back and she laughs. “I’m the best kind of evil.” She gets up, sliding off of me and stands next to the bed naked. My hand reaches out to touch her, to feel her body and she lets me,

standing still. “Do you work tomorrow?” “I’m not meant to, but I think I will go in. I want to put more into it, not have all these days off I’ve been having, even though he is understanding.” “You can always come work for me,” I tell her. She shakes her head. “I will not come to your office every day for sex, Connick. What kind of woman do you think I am?” Her hand goes to her heart and she pretends to act offended. “You would love it, don’t even deny it.” She turns to walk to the bathroom while waving her hand at me. “You would… more so. Imagine me bent over your desk every day.” A wicked laugh leaves her lips as she disappears. “That’s evil,” I yell out to her. She doesn’t answer and I hear the shower turn on. Leaning over, I check my cell and notice multiple missed calls, some being from my father. Calling him back, he says my name as he answers, “Connick… your brother is missing.” I can hear my stepmother crying in the background. “Do you know anything about this?” “What would I know?” He is quiet and her cries slowly dissipate. “There is no love lost between you two, I will not deny that. But Connick, you better have had nothing to do with it. Nicole seems to think you do.

Something about a woman you are with.” “Milanka has nothing to do with it.” “I hope you’re right.” Father hangs up without saying goodbye. Looking up, Milanka is standing there watching me, all showered and smelling gorgeous. “Who was that?” she asks, leaning on the door. “My father.” “Is he looking for him?” I’m not sure what to tell her, so I simply nod my head. “I’m sorry.” Standing and walking to her, her eyes are downcast. “You don’t have to be sorry for a goddamn thing, woman.” Lifting her face, I kiss her lips. She kisses me back, but just barely.

CHAPTER 26

MILA NK A

been slowly moving my things in, not I ’ve everything at once like he wants me to. It feels weird to live with someone, especially someone who actually wants me to live with them, and I am not a burden. It’s been almost two weeks, and only a few things are left at my house now. My stomach is fully healed, and only a faint scar remains from the surface cut he inflicted on me. Connick has let me take over his closet and doesn’t say a word when I move things around as long as I give him sex, which I’m more than happy to do. Walking into his house every day though reminds me of what happened here. I see him on the floor, me on the floor, and Connick’s fists going over and over again into his face. I don’t mention it to Connick, because, well, he is Connick, and lately

he’s been more than I could have ever hope for. He’s attentive but still aggressive. He’s quiet, yet you listen when he speaks. His presence is domineering with such force you can’t turn away. Walking into his house, he gets mad when I say that. Our house, I hear his voice clearly in my mind. As I walk in, I can hear Connick as well as another male’s voice. The man has his back to me when I find them, Connick is facing him nodding his head in agreement. The man’s hair is silver and fully intact, no baldness at all, so I cannot tell his age. Connick looks to me then back to the man, which makes him turn around to look at me. I want to take a step back, he looks so much like Derrick that it makes me lose my breath as my eyes widen. In all those years, I never saw Derrick’s parents because they were never home, it was always just him. “Is this her?” He waves to me but speaks to Connick. Connick walks over to me placing his hand around my waist, pulling me to him. “Milanka, this is my father.” “Hello, sir.” He looks me over but doesn’t say a word. His eyes go back to Connick. “You were fighting over her?” My insides tighten as I realize what he’s talking about. Does he know? Turning to look at Connick,

his jaw is tense. “No. She was mine. Never his.” “So she wasn’t fucking your brother when they were teenagers?” My cheeks turn red in embarrassment. “Father, watch your words.” His father steps closer to him, making me want to step back, but I don’t. I cling to Connick instead. “You think because I gave it all to you that I can’t take it all back?” Connick laughs, but this time it isn’t a pleasant one. “You think I would give you the option to take it back? It’s mine now, Father. I worked hard for it.” “What are you talking about?” His father looks to me again then back to Connick. “You honestly think I would sign all those contracts with conditions in them?” He shakes his head at his father. “You’re a fool if you thought that. It would never happen. You had enough conditions on me so I had a lawyer redraw and change those pages of the contract the before I signed.” “How dare you.” “I learned from the best, Father.” He seems to calm at those words, looks to me then back to Connick again. His stare is intimidating. “You will come to my home tomorrow for

dinner. Bring her.” He points to me, then walks out of the house without a goodbye. I wait until the door shuts before I look to Connick. “He was… well, he was...” I don’t even have words to describe him. “Yes, he is a dick. No words for him.” Connick’s hands cup my face as he leans in to kiss me. His lips are the softest and the sweetest thing in the world. Why I waited so long to kiss him I will never know. Each kiss is like an ignition switch. “Shit,” I say, pulling back, his nose scrunches up because I stopped kissing him. “I have to sit through a meal with your father.” “Don’t forget my stepmother.” “Derrick’s mother?” “Yes.” He goes to pull me back to claim my lips, but I don’t let him. “Do you think they will know? Oh God… how can I even look at her after what I did? It was her son.” “Calm down, Milanka.” His voice sends a soothing calmness over me. “They won’t know and you don’t have anything to feel guilty for. If we didn’t do what we did, Derrick would have done worse. You know he has tried before.” “It’s not the same thing, his mother doesn’t know.” His hands start roaming my body. “What can I do to change this conversation?” His tongue licks

its way up my neck. Trying to push him away is no use. “We need to talk about this. What if I say something wrong. And, oh my God, I just met your father and he doesn’t like me.” His mouth continues its trail of kisses then he makes his way to my lips. “Connick.” “Mm-hmm,” is all that leaves his lips as he nips at my lips, biting them and pulling them open. I gasp when his hand reaches between me, cups my pussy and squeezes it, while placing pressure on the right places. “You are avoiding my questions.” He takes my lip, pulling back when he opens his mouth, his hands don’t leave me. “The last thing I want to talk about is them, while I’m trying to get into your pants, Milanka.” “I was talking, not trying to fuck you.” My hands still haven’t left him but he’s smirking. “Well, I changed it. I want to fuck.” “Of course you do. You sure it isn’t you with the issue?” “It is. Oh, fuck! It is with you.” “Calm down.” I try to pull away but he brings me straight back. “I’ll calm down once I’ve had my fix.” I laugh and let him pull me to him. He’s been so patient with me, so tender, and I know he is craving more than slow sex. Connick likes it hard and fast.

He takes my hand, pulling me to the room, which has a surprise for me. Suspended above our bed is a wire, and on that wire are handcuffs. “Oh, someone been planning things?” I tease him. He starts stripping me, dropping my clothes, and as soon as he takes my dress off he smirks hard, the biggest one I’ve seen on his face. “You little vixen.” So have I been planning. I have on lingerie, just for him. All black. He leaves them on me. The panties are crotchless and this he notices straight away. It doesn’t take him long to lift me onto the bed, standing me up, so my feet are on the mattress. My hands are lifted and placed in cuffs above my head. As soon as he’s happy with my position, he gets back down, starting to remove his own clothes. I watch on in fascination. A man like Connick isn’t for one to share. He is a man to devour, to take everything you can and never give it back. I’ve never wanted another human as much as I want him. He crawls onto the bed so his face is in line with my pussy, he blows air onto it with his hot breath making me want to squeeze my thighs together. Then his tongue comes out to play. He licks hard, savoring everything. Then does it again, and again, then his finger goes in. Penetrating me, making me lift my lower half forward in hopes of

applying even more pressure. He knows exactly what I want, so he pulls back with a laugh, blows air again, then fucks me hard with his finger, only giving me his tongue with every third thrust. “Connick,” I scream, my legs becoming weaker and my hands are tired. I watch as he stands just after I come, my legs lift around his waist as he pulls them up and he slides straight into me. He doesn’t free my hands, instead keeping them exactly where they are suspended above my head. I try to move with his speed as we slap hard together, but I can’t keep up, he’s too fast, too dominating, so I let him take full control of the situation. “Tell me you love me,” I whisper in between breaths. “I fucking love you.” “Tell me I’m yours,” I ask. “You will never be another man’s again. Only mine.” I believe him. It should scare me, but it’s what I want. Him forever. We haven’t brought up the subject of kids again after what happened to us. I thought he would. Connick isn’t cautious either, he never uses protection, and he knows I’m not on anything. So the chance of me getting pregnant is there for him to see, but he just doesn’t seem to mind like he

used to. He told me once he didn’t want kids. I think he didn’t at the time. I truly believe that just like I didn’t, but I also think now he wouldn’t say no. He doesn’t do well denying me things, as I don’t do well denying him me. His hands slide down my body then back up again. We both come and I can no longer bear to keep myself up a second longer. Connick uncuffs me, one hand at a time, carefully holding me up so I do not fall when they’re both removed. “I want a baby, eventually.” Just as he lays me down I blurt it out and look at him to see his reaction. He nods his head, kissing me on the lips. “I know,” is all he says, then he walks off as he always does, coming back to clean me up, then himself, before he climbs into bed with me. When he does, I wrap myself around him like an octopus, trying to hold on to him as tightly as I can. “It doesn’t scare you now?” He shakes his head. “You scare me the most, and I’ve gone this long, haven’t I?” I hit his ribs but he doesn’t say another word. Could it be possible to have a happily ever after? Is it in my cards? I never believed so, but he’s making me a believer.

CHAPTER 27

C ONNIC K

father’s house is ten times the size of M ymine, he bought it after I took over the business. His own luxury, as he likes to call it. The house, or rather mansion, comes with two swimming pools, a golf course, and so much other shit that doesn’t get used. Milanka’s eyes are wide as she looks around outside. A maid answers the door, letting us in, and Milanka’s nails dig into her hand and I have to remove them with my other. “Sorry,” she says once she realizes what she’s doing. She hasn’t done that in a while, a very long while. Is it because she feels unsafe? The maid tells me we will be dining in the main room, so we follow her in where they’re seated. Milanka stops, halting my step as well as we reach it. Nicole and my niece are sitting at the table speaking to our parents. They all look our way once

we reach it. I give Milanka back my hand because I do not want her hurting her skin again, so she starts to dig into my hand instead. I’ve worked out when she’s nervous it’s a habit, but when she’s scared or worried, she does it to herself. Nervous I can handle, and I just give her mine. If only I could work out a way to treat the others. “Why is she here?” Nicole seethes. Derrick’s mother looks over to Milanka, then to me. Father nods his head but doesn’t say a word. “I will not eat here with her in this house.” “Sit down, Nicole, stop acting like a child,” my father says to her, as I pull Milanka in closer to me. Pulling out Milanka’s chair, she sits looking down at her lap. I take the seat next to her. Looking up, I notice Nicole is shooting daggers at Milanka. “Where is Derrick? I know you know. Where is my husband?” Nicole screeches. “Sit down.” “No. She knows. I know she does.” Nicole turns, leaning over the table so she’s closer to Milanka. I eye her, to make sure she doesn’t think about touching her. “He went looking for you. I know he did. Then he never came home.” “Maybe if he weren’t so obsessed with her, he wouldn’t be looking for her.” Nicole’s beady eyes turn to me. “And you… you don’t even care about your own brother, just this whore sitting next to you.”

“Watch your words, Nicole. Milanka isn’t with a man who treats her like shit and doesn’t love another woman. That stupidity card belongs solely to you.” “You love her?” Her head throws back with laughter. “Derrick loved her once, too. Look where that got him.” “So jealous.” We all turn at Milanka’s words, they were soft, but we all heard them. “I am not jealous.” “You are. You’ve always been jealous. I never wanted him, Nicole. And whatever Derrick feels is not my problem.” Her nails dig in as she realizes everyone is watching her. “I’ll kill you if he doesn’t come home.” “Nicole… that’s enough. Sit down. You’ve always been in love with him, but everyone knew he didn’t feel the same way. Just be thankful you have his child.” Nicole looks to my father, then sits down in her seat. “I got a lawyer to go over it, Connick, it seems you got that from me.” His finger taps on the table as dinner begins to be served referring to the paperwork. “Have you told her about her father, Connick?” Nicole breaks my father’s words as all eyes go to her. Milanka’s nails bring blood to the surface of my skin. “He tells me everything,” she says looking

down at her food that’s been served. I forgot about her father, I didn’t think it was something important when I read it on her files. Maybe it is. Maybe she will want to crucify me after this. “I’m sure he does,” she bitterly says to Milanka. “We’re leaving.” I grab her hand. Pulling it up with me, she stands as I do. “If you choose to invite me again, put a leash on the dog before it gets zapped.” Milanka doesn’t make a sound as we make our way outside. Opening her car door, she climbs in, letting me shut the door behind her. She’s quiet as I drive us back home. “Ask me your questions, Milanka.” “You hid something from me… again?” Slamming on the brakes, I pull over to the side of the road. Turning to face Milanka, I watch the agony written all over her face. “I didn’t hide anything. I didn’t know it was important. I read about it in one of the files he had on you, then that was it. Nicole was just stirring shit.” “Is he alive?” she asks with hopeful eyes. “He is.” “Have you met him?” I shake my head. “No. I figured you never wanted to know.” She turns to look back to the road. “Take me

home, tonight was tiring.” “Are you angry, Milanka?” “No. I believe you, but I do want to know more.” “I’ll have a file ready when we arrive home.” I shoot a quick message to Cherry who holds all the files and she says she has it, which I knew she would. She emails it my way so I can print it when we get home. The minute we arrive, I go straight to my office and print it. Milanka follows me in, sitting down on the sofa, waiting patiently. Looking over it, I hand it to her, and her eyes skim the pages then she gasps. “He looks well.” “He is. He’s done very well for himself.” “I see. Why do you think he left?” I shrug my shoulders because I don’t know. Why anyone would choose willingly to leave her is beyond me. “Should we make a plan to meet him?” She looks up to me with hopeful eyes. “I think so, but what happens if he wants nothing to with me?” I stroke her beautiful face. “You still have me.” The file is placed down next to her as she looks up to me. “Thank you for tonight… for sticking up for me.” Milanka kisses my hand then moves it so her hands can touch my jeans. She undoes my pants,

pulling my cock free, then places it in her mouth. Taking me in as far as she can, sucking me hard while her hands tug on my balls. It doesn’t take long before I come. Warning her, she chooses not to move, just stays exactly where she is. My hands pull her hair, running my fingers through it and making her almost gag as I push her down harder. She never complains. One thing about Milanka I love, she gives everything a go even if she shouldn’t. “Now it’s my turn.” Milanka smirks pulling back, wiping her mouth. She removes her panties and spreads her legs. Pulling me down, she makes me get to my knees to give her the same treatment she’s given me, which I’m more than willing to do. When you fuck someone with a touch of sin, with the ghost of an angel, why would you want to touch anyone else?

CHAPTER 28

MILA NK A

at the front of his office has me S tanding nervous, more nervous than I’ve ever been in my life. What do I do? I think about turning away, and not even going through with it, but then I would regret it. It’s a real estate office. My father owns it, so the paperwork says. Walking in, the office lady smiles at me and asks how she can help me. I give her his name. She stands, walks off, then comes back to tell me to follow her. His head is down when she opens the door, his face concentrating on his pen and paper as he writes with the phone glued to his ear. She directs me to a seat, then walks out, leaving me sitting here watching him. I knew most of my looks come from my mother because we look so much alike it’s scary. But I can see pieces of me in him too, his hairline, which is a love heart shape the

same as mine, and the nose to the lips. When he looks up, I’m still watching him. He looks at me, the pen from his hand drops, then the cell he was talking on falls from his shoulder as he straightens up his head. “Hi.” “She told me you died.” He stands like he can’t believe his eyes. “Sorry?” “Milanka?” he asks, and I nod my head. “She told me you had died, just after you were born. I named you, then she said you had died.” That explains a lot—why I never knew about him, or him of me. “She died.” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry, was she… well… was she… sober?” Raising my eyebrow at him, he explains. His voice is so deep, he seems to actually care. How has he been hidden from me for so long? Should I have looked into things more? “Taryn was addicted… to so many things. I’d had enough. I planned to take you after you were born. But when she came home, she knew. She didn’t have you with her, so when she told me you’d died, I believed her.” “How did you know it was me?” “Because you look exactly like her. A beauty like hers was impossible to turn away from.”

“I’ve been told that,” I say more to myself, thinking of the way Derrick described me as an obsession instead of a person. “Did she raise you well? I mean you look well. Sorry… too many questions.” He runs his hand through his hair, standing, and turning to the window. “She didn’t, but I have someone now that treats me really well.” He steps toward me, places his hand on my shoulder. “I would love to meet him, and hopefully get to spend more time with you?” “Did you marry? Have any more kids?” I ask. He pulls back and shakes his head. “No, not after… well, I was a mess after that. To lose a child is the hardest thing you could possibly imagine going through. I literally held you the day before, then the next day… yeah, that affected my relationships. I never wanted any kids after that.” “I’m sorry.” “Don’t be, I have you now.” He leans forward to touch me. “Can I hug you?” I nod my head and the minute his arms close around me it feels like that hole that was gaping is now filled. When we pull away, I see him quickly wipe his cheek, getting rid of a loose tear. “Thank you for meeting me today. Can we… maybe have lunch this week?” He nods his head and gives me his cell number.

I walk out feeling good, renewed, and wanting Connick more than ever right now.

CONNICK’S HOME when I get back. Sitting on the couch, typing away on his laptop. He stops when he sees me, closing it. “Why are you smiling?” “I met him today, I like him a lot.” His forehead scrunches then it straightens. “You did?” “I know I said I would wait for you, but I had to do it alone.” “He was great?” A smile takes over and I can’t help it. He smirks, standing up and walking into the kitchen, I follow him as we start to cook. Well, I heat up the water for the pasta. My back is to him, but I can feel his stare watching me. Is he waiting for to me to freak out? “Marry me.” “What?” I answer him in shock, not believing his words. Turning to him, I see that he’s watching me and his eyes are trained on mine. “I asked you to marry me, woman. What is your answer?” He looks at me so seriously, like he doesn’t believe the words have left his mouth. “You want to marry me?”

“I don’t know why I said that.” He turns back around, then slams his hands on the counter. “Yes, I do. Now put me out of my misery, woman, and tell me you will marry me.” “I mean, I guess I will have to think on it.” My finger taps my chin, but he gets to me before I can run away. “Marry me.” I nod my head and he squeezes my ass. “Of course I will, who else would have me?” I laugh. “Don’t say that.” He kisses me, then pulls back, and from his pocket he pulls out a box. My heart beats fast as he pulls it open and inside is a ring. It’s a heart-shaped pink diamond. The most beautiful piece of jewelry I’ve ever seen. “I didn’t want to do the ring, but Harlin threatened my manhood if I didn’t.” Of course, she would. “I love it.” I really do. It’s perfect. “Take me to bed, now.” He nips at my ear. “How much I want to do that, but I can’t, the girls will be here soon. How did I end up being surrounded by women again?” I laugh at him. “You’re just lucky I guess.” As soon as he pulls away, he starts cooking while I stare at my hand, my finger to be precise. It fits perfectly, and it’s one of the prettiest rings I’ve ever seen. We eat dinner with me hardly paying any

attention at all, and the door bursts open with all the girls. “Show me the bling, bitch.” Holding my hand out, they all congregate around us. “How did he ask you?” “He demanded.” I laugh. Connick slides in behind me, wrapping his hands around me. “Can I start planning? Oh, let me plan it all,” Cherry asks. “Fuck no,” Connick says, making her turn up her lip to him. “We might just go to Vegas, Cherry.” “You can’t do that.” “We can,” Connick says, he’s on the same side as me. “Now fuck off so I can fuck my fiancé.” I giggle, but Serena and Cherry gush while Harlin says words that are not appropriate. As soon as they leave, he carries me to our room, making me promise to be entirely moved out of my house before the weekend. Then he touches me, igniting me with his caress. Something that will never change. Even now I look forward to it, every touch and every single moment we get. Because you never know when the last touch will come. Connick came into my life in a disturbing way. He implanted himself there without my consent. Then he stole my heart with a single look.

Connick made me do things I never would have done when I met him. He took my hand and guided me to his darkness, but what a beautiful place that is to live. Even with our sins, even with my demons… I will love him. As he will love me. Because that’s what love is about. The unexpected. Grab it. Take it. And don’t let it hold you back. Unless you are Derrick. Then you are fucked.

EPILOGUE

her, like a lion loves its prey, like a snake I love loves its meal. I love her. From the way she moves in her sleep to the slight yawn that leaves her beautiful lips when she wakes, I love her. I have to keep on reminding myself that it’s a good thing, that it’s not something I should be afraid of. Because I’m not afraid of her, or even loving her. The complete opposite, in fact. Now I’m afraid of what would happen if I didn’t have her love in return. Would she still open her eyes with a smile touching her lips when she sees me first thing in the morning? Would her hands still roam my body like she can’t get enough of me? Her green eyes stare into mine, and the moment they do, I know that no matter what happens, no matter what I do, I know I did good because I have her. I did really fucking good.

And if I ever lost her, I know no one else could hold me the way she does. She has been my it. And I would be happy with that, because I had been given the opportunity to love her. And her love is all I will ever need in this life.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

THANK YOU TO YOU. To all who are reading this and got this far, I’m so happy to know that you got this far and let me to be part of your life for just a few hours. To keep up on my releases, and possibly some more favorite characters, you can join my mailing list here Newsletter I hope you enjoyed The Savage Love Duet, if you loved it I would love if you could possibly leave a review on Amazon. They mean more then you could possibly know. Also, come hang out with me in my fan group here: Fan Group

BAD THINGS BY EMILY GOODWIN

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BAD THINGS Love is Messy Duet Book One Copyright 2017 Emily Goodwin

PROLOGUE DIA NA

A year ago… blot up the blood that’s dripping I carefully from my nose. Pain sears through me and tears fall, streaking little clean paths on my bloodstained skin. I cringe when the rag touches my broken skin. Wincing, I drag it down, cleaning up the dried blood. I watch scarlet-colored water wash down the drain as I rinse the rag under warm water, and bring it to my face again. My body shudders as a sob escapes my lips, but there’s no sound to hear. I’ve perfected silently crying, hiding my tears from the world. Once I’m done wiping away the blood, I go about my normal routine of removing my makeup and brushing my teeth. I change into my PJs and look at the closed

bathroom door. My eyes fall shut. How the hell did it get so bad? I should have left. Yesterday. The day before that. Last week. A month ago. I kept hoping, kept thinking it would be all right. That things would get better. That he meant it when he said he loved me. He was so good at the game I didn’t know I was being played. He took away my control little by little until there was nothing left and I was a prisoner in my own home. It happened so gradually I didn’t see it coming until it hit me smack in the face. He hit me. This was the first time. He said it would be the only time. But I don’t believe him. Things were fine between us until tonight, until I told him that periwinkle was blue and not pink. It was something so small, so unimportant. Something I thought was funny. But he had a bad day at work and snapped, like he always does. Though this time, instead of hitting me with his words, he used his fist. And now I’m scared and alone, and it’s cold outside. Too cold to walk outside, but that doesn’t matter. I look out the small bathroom window. Snow falls down around the sleepy town. Softly.

Gently. It’s so pristine. So white. So perfect. So unlike me. Tears fill my eyes and I sink down onto the closed lid on the toilet. I put my head in my hands, muffling another sob. I don’t know where my car keys are, and I won’t be told until morning when I need to leave for work. I wipe my eyes and stand, going to the vanity. Hidden in the bottom of my makeup bag, wrapped in a small ball of tissue are two white pills. I take them out and place them on my palm. My throat is thick and it’s hard to breathe. Pain tingles across my face. I close my fingers around the pills. I know what I have to do. COLE

Five years ago… “I had your ring cleaned.” I reach into my pocket and pull out a small velvet bag. “That way it’s extra sparkly so you can show it off.” I turn the bag upside down and the diamond engagement ring falls into my palm. I sit on the bed next to Heather and slip it on her finger. She holds her hand close to her face, admiring the large center stone, and smiles. “You’re so thoughtful.”

I shrug. “I just want you to be happy.” And I do. Making my fiancée happy makes me happy, as lame as that sounds. She links her fingers through mine and rests her head on my chest. I flick my eyes to the closed door and listen for a moment. The house is quiet. “We have some time before my parents get back,” I say and wiggle my eyebrows. We’re in Orlando for Thanksgiving, staying with my parents for the first time since we got engaged. Several other family members are flying in, and we have plans to go to Disney World this weekend. I don’t normally get excited about shit like this, but fuck, I’m looking forward to it. Mostly because Heather is here with me. I kiss her and lay back on the bed, bringing Heather with me. Her arms go around my neck, but she hesitates. “Isn’t your brother in the house?” I let out a sigh. Nothing ruins the mood faster than bringing up that fucker. “Yeah, but he’s not going to come in or anything.” “What if he hears us?” I shrug again and smile. “It’ll make up for the million times I had to listen to him when we were younger.” Heather looks completely put-off and I can’t really blame her. “Raincheck?” she asks. “Of course,” I reply with a smile, ignoring the

nagging in the back of my mind that this is something more than just not being in the mood. She’s been “not in the mood” a lot this past month, ever since we hashed out plans to come to Orlando and have Thanksgiving with my family. “Sorry. I’m just tired. And my back still hurts from the flight.” “You were tense that whole time.” I move around and put my hands on her shoulders. “Get a drink from the start when we fly back to New York,” I joke and start massaging her stiff muscles. Heather told me she was a nervous flyer, but I didn’t know the extent of it until we flew from New York to Florida. “That feels good,” she says with a sigh. “Thank you.” “Lay down, let me rub your back. And I won’t make a move, promise.” Heather gives me a kiss and then lies down. Five minutes later, my phone rings. I pick it up off the dresser to silence the call but see it’s work. “Everything okay?” Heather asks. “Yeah.” I decline the call. “It’s the day before Thanksgiving…I don’t know why anyone from the office is even calling.” “You can answer it.” “I already hung up.” Heather rolls over. “Call them back. I know it will bother you.”

It already is bothering me. There are several promotions set to run this weekend, and things need to line up perfectly. There better not be a fucking problem. “You don’t mind?” “Not at all. I’m going to get something to eat and then take a shower and crash. You can shower with me if you’d like.” “I think I can handle that.” I help Heather to her feet, kiss her, and then call the office back once she’s downstairs. The email server Black Ink Press uses is down, which has created a fucking problem. I’m on the phone for twenty minutes, getting more and more irritated as time goes by. I’m not in New York, and I can’t fix the server. I don’t know why I was even called. Not wanting to be stressed out over the first holiday Heather and I are spending together, I put the phone down and take a minute before I go downstairs. Laughter echoes up the stairs, and I follow it to find Heather sitting in the kitchen with my brother. “Hey, Cole,” Luke calls, turning and looking over his shoulder. He’s at the stove, and whatever he’s cooking smells amazing, though I won’t fucking tell him that. Heather is sitting at the island counter and turns her head down. Her pale cheeks redden, and she doesn’t make eye contact. Weird. “Luke,” I say. “Hi.” My relationship with my brother has always been strained, but for Heather’s

sake, I’m doing the best I fucking can. “How’s work?” he asks. “What’s new and exciting in the world of publishing?” I cringe, trying to keep from snapping. He’s asking a question, but it feels like a personal stab at my job. I might not be rushing into burning buildings like he does for a living, but I have a wellpaying, respectable job. “Same old, same old,” I answer. “What about you?” “Same for me,” he says, turning back to the food. I sit next to Heather, slipping my arm around her waist. “And congrats on the engagement. This is the first time I’ve seen you both since you convinced Heather to join you on the Dark Side.” Heather laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world, making Luke raise his eyebrows. I immediately go on the defense. Luke turns off the burner and grabs three plates. Part of me wants to say I’m not hungry and refuse to eat this just because he made it, but I’m fucking starving. And I’m trying not to be petty. “I know you’re not supposed to swim after you eat.” Luke puts his plate in the sink, “but I was going to grab a beer and get in the pool. It’s fucking hot here, even if the natives disagree.” “I’d love to go in,” Heather echoes right away, even though she declined my offer to get in the pool just an hour ago. Oh well, right? Heather looks

good in a bikini either way. The rest of the day passes quickly, and Thanksgiving comes and goes before we know it. Luke leaves Friday morning to get back to work, thank God, and Heather and I drive to Disney World. It should be fun. It should be carefree. But Heather is quiet and distant. Something is wrong, but I’m too scared to ruin a good thing and ask. I wait it out, hoping she’ll snap back to her normal, happy self at any moment. But she doesn’t, and that Sunday night when we get back to New York, I can’t help myself. “What’s going on?” I ask her, setting my suitcase on the bed to start unpacking. “You’ve been acting off since Thanksgiving. Is everything okay?” “Yeah,” she says with a smile and sits on the edge of the bed. I go to her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. “Heather…you can tell me anything. I love you. I want you to be happy.” “I can’t do this. You’re so good to me, and I can’t lie to you.” She gets up and walks to the other side of the room. Tears fill her eyes, and my heart stops as I watch her take off her ring. She extends the diamond to me, but I can’t move. If I take it back, then it’s over. My chest hurts, feeling like it’s caving in. “No,

Heather, don’t say this. Whatever is wrong…we can fix. We can work through it.” “We can’t,” she whispers and tears roll down her cheeks. I want to go to her, brush them away, and kiss her. But I still can’t move. “Because I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying this whole time and I know I just can’t.” I blink, having to remind myself to breathe. “What can’t you do?” “I can’t love you the same way you love me.” She says each word slowly, and each word chips away at my heart until it’s barely together. One wrong move and the whole thing will come crashing down, breaking into a million pieces that will be too small to ever put back together. “No.” I shake my head, unable to think of anything else to say. “No.” She sets the ring down on the dresser. “Yes. I wish I loved you the same way. Really, I do.” “Heather…don’t do this. I’ve been busy with work and we haven’t spent as much time together lately, but that can change. I’ll cut back my hours.” “You can’t do that.” “I will. I’ll get another job. Heather—I love you. I love you enough to do anything.” Her strawberry blonde hair falls over her face as she tips her head down. “And that’s exactly why I can’t stay. Because you would do anything, and you deserve to have someone who loves you just as

much. You deserve someone who makes you happy.” What is she talking about? She makes me happy. She loves me. I know it. “But you do.” I stride forward and she holds out her hand. “No, Cole, please, just stop! I can’t love you the same because…because I’m in love with someone else.” My cracked and fragile heart falls out of my chest. It hits the floor and I feel like I’m going to fall and cut myself on the pieces. “I have been, and I tried to stop, but I just can’t. I want to love you, Cole, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I think we have a real chance, and I can’t go on like this with you.” I stare at her for a minute, hands shaking. “Who is it?” She raises her eyes, lashes wet with tears. “Luke.”

CHAPTER 1

COLE

Present day… got to be fucking kidding me. Y ou have “Harper, no,” I say and make a mad dash forward, lunging for my niece before she plummets off the couch and onto the hardwood floor. She’s only sixteen months old, but the kid has the athleticism of an Olympian. She’s fast and can climb to the top of anything in seconds. And I mean fucking anything. She immediately starts to scream and cry as soon as I pick her up, setting her back down on a rug in the living room. “Mickey Mouse is on,” I say, pointing to the flat screen TV mounted on the wall. “Mommy says you love Mickey.”

She turns at the word and lights up when she sees the cartoon mouse on the screen. Distracted by the show, she forgets about climbing on the couch just long enough for me to sneak away back to the stove. The macaroni is boiling over, spewing sticky bubbles onto the stainless steel stovetop. Son of a bitch. I take a deep breath. I got this. I fucking have to. Something crashes behind me and I whirl around, heart stopping as I prepare for the worst. Harper is still happily watching TV, but the dog chases a calico cat through the living room, knocking over fucking everything in their path. The cat’s fur is raised and she leaps onto the counter, sliding to a stop right next to the oven and knocking over a package of Goldfish crackers. The bag falls into the burner. It goes up in flames, stinking up the kitchen and making the smoke alarm go off. Harper screams. Paige and Grace come running down the stairs —also screaming. I flick off the burner, throw the burning paper bag into the sink, turn on the vent above the oven, and rush into the living room to scoop up Harper. Tears stream down from her bright blue eyes—the exact same shade as her father’s—and she clings to me with all her might. Despite the chaos around me, having Harper cling to me, looking at me for safety and comfort,

makes this night worth it. “What’s going on?” Grace shouts over the blaring beeps. “Do I need to call Dad?” “No,” I say, knowing she’s referencing Luke, my brother. Technically he is Grace and Paige’s stepfather. They call their biological father “Daddy” and call Luke “Dad.” It seems like it would be confusing to me, but it’s not to them. “It’s just the oven. It’ll stop in a minute.” “Get a towel,” Paige tells me. “And wave it by the alarm. That’s what Mommy does.” I grab a damp towel from the counter and do my best to fan the alarm while cradling Harper to my chest. Grace opens the window above the sink and turns the fan on in the living room. The living room, breakfast nook, and kitchen are all connected in an open concept layout, and not even a minute later, the smoke alarm stops. “It’s okay,” I sooth, rubbing Harper’s back. “I can take her,” Grace insists. She “babysits” while her mom works in the home office. “And make her stop crying.” “It’s all right,” I say. “You two can go back to playing.” “Is dinner ready?” Paige asks, looking up at me. “I’m hungry.” “Uh,” I start, eyeballing the mess on the stove. “Almost. I can get it dished up for you guys if you sit with Harper in the living room.” I feel like the

worst uncle ever right now. Grace is nine years old and Paige turns six next week. They’re easy to watch and are overall good kids. They listen well and get along way better than I expected. Harper is a little monster, and I say that endearingly. She’s cute as hell and will snuggle the crap out of you, but you’re fucked if you turn your back for a minute. She takes after her father, that’s for fucking sure. The girls all look alike, despite Harper being a half-sister. Grace and Paige are technically my step-nieces, but I love them all equally. All three girls resemble their mother. Grace and Paige have Lexi’s green eyes, but Harper has blue eyes, getting it from Luke. “Hey little sweetie pie,” Grace coos and picks up Harper the second I set her down. “Do you need a diaper change?” Paige pinches Harper’s butt and nods. “Yep. She’s pretty squishy. Can we change her diaper, Uncle Cole?” “Sure,” I agree a little too eagerly. I’ve changed a handful of diapers since Harper has been born, but I’ll happily allow someone—anyone—else to change one. I grab the diapers and wipes from the closet for Grace and go back to the kitchen, draining the noodles and adding butter, milk, and the powdered sauce mix. I stir it together and dish it out on plates, allowing it to cool as I reheat the

chicken Luke made for the girls earlier in the day. My brother is a damn fine cook, and I hate him for it. Well, with the exception of the nights when I come over for dinner. Then I’m happy. I put plates on the table and call the kids over, taking Harper from Grace so I can slip her in the highchair. “You forgot napkins,” Paige tells me as I click the straps together around Harper’s waist. She’ll climb out of her highchair if she’s not strapped in tight. “I’ll get them,” I say and walk around the island counter. I open the pantry, grab napkins, and turn just in time to see Harper pick up her plate and throw it to the ground. I close my eyes, letting out a slow breath. “Pluto!” Paige calls. “Come here, clean-upcrew!” “Is he allowed to do this?” I ask. I give each girl a napkin and pick up Harper’s plate. She’s happily babbling to herself, playing with the bit of macaroni that’s on her highchair tray. “Mom lets him,” Grace tells me. “She says he’s too old and fat to eat too much though. But we don’t have to vacuum after every meal if he eats Harper’s mess.” I can’t help but laugh. “Well, that’s good, I guess.” I scoop what I can back onto the plate, letting the medium-sized dog snarf up what he can

and lick the tiled floor. I get Harper a small bowl of food, and sit at the table next to her, feeding her little by little. She follows me around crying as I try to clean up the kitchen. I can’t ignore her, so I pick her up and do the best I can cleaning one-handed. Grace and Paige go into the living room to watch TV and start bickering over what to watch. I set Harper down for a second so I can scoop the leftover mac and cheese into a bowl, and she immediately starts crying. “Girls,” I say, raising my voice so it can be heard above the baby’s cries. “Just hang on. I’ll pick something for you.” They ignore me, and Grace reaches forward, trying to snatch the remote out of Paige’s hands. Paige yanks her hands back and her fingers slip. The remote goes flying back in Grace’s grasp, whacking her in the mouth. Her eyes go wide and she brings her hand to her face, dropping the remote. A full second passes before she screams. “She’s bleeding!” Paige yells. Grace gets up and I see blood dripping from her fingers. Tears stream down her face as she cries, mixing with the blood. “I’m sorry!” Paige wails, on the verge of tears herself. “Hang on,” I say and grab a towel. I whirl around, bump into Harper and knock her over on

accident. Her cries get even louder, drowning out Grace. Internally, I’m screaming just as loud. I pick up Harper and fly over to Grace, giving her the towel. It’s damp from drying dishes, but that’s okay, right? Fuck. I’m not cut out for this. I’m not a kid person. I love my nieces with all my heart, but I’m so fucking glad I’m just an uncle. I get to leave in a few hours, though right now it seems like an eternity. It takes another ten minutes to get everyone calmed down. The kitchen is a fucking disaster, and I have no idea how it got so messy. All I did was make mac and cheese and reheat the chicken. Grace sits on the couch and Paige cuddles up next to her, smoothing her hair and holding her hand. It’s fucking adorable but does little to ease my stress. I don’t like messes. I don’t like chaos. Harper takes in a deep breath and rests her head on my shoulder, little arms going around me. Suddenly, the dishes in the sink aren’t important. The dog and cat growling at each other from inside the dining room aren’t bothering me anymore. I sit next to Grace, slipping one arm around her and Paige and cuddling Harper with my other arm. Paige snuggles closer and Harper closes her eyes. I look at the three little girls and smile. Babysitting

isn’t that bad after all.

“HOW WERE THEY?” my brother asks several hours later. All three girls are sleeping and I finally got shit cleaned up. “Not too bad,” I say, standing from the couch and walking into the kitchen. “Grace might have a fat lip in the morning. She and Paige were fighting over the remote and she whacked herself in the mouth.” “Again?” Lexi, my sister-in-law, sighs. “That’s the second time in like three weeks they’ve done that. I’m about ready to take TV away from them.” She wobbles on tall heels, shaking her head. She bends over to undo the straps and almost falls. Luke catches her, and Lexi looks up into his eyes. A smile plays on her face and she slips her arms around his waist. “Did they go to bed okay?” Luke asks, directing Lexi to a barstool at the island counter. She heavily plops down and works on taking her shoes off again. “Not too bad. I think I read a million books. The girls kept asking for one more, which turned into a lot. Harper fell asleep right away. She’s so active, I think she wore herself out.” “You got lucky,” Lexi says, dropping a red heel

to the ground. She leans forward and her words slur just a bit. “Last night bedtime took three hours. Harper wouldn’t go to sleep, Paige was constantly hungry no matter how many bedtime snacks she ate, and Grace threw a fit her sisters were keeping her up. And Luke was at work. After I finally got them to sleep, I sat on the kitchen floor eating leftover jellybeans I found in the back of the pantry, not from this past Easter, but the one before that.” I laugh. “I don’t know how you do this every day. They’re exhausting.” “Exhausting but worth it.” “Very worth it,” Luke assures, going over to Lexi. She puts her hands on his shoulders and stands. “Worth it enough to have another.” Lexi’s green eyes go wide. “No.” Luke laughs and looks at me. “She’s drunk. She might let me.” “I might let you do something else I don’t normally do, but no babies. Not right now.” “I can play with your boobs again?” Luke asks, raising his eyebrows. “I’m so glad you’re done breastfeeding.” Lexi shuffles closer and I take that as my cue to leave. Before Luke and Lexi got married and he moved to Brooklyn with her, Luke lived with me in Manhattan for a while. I know what’s next on their agenda, especially if Lexi’s been drinking. I’ve heard it—and walked in on it—

enough that if I never witness them again, it would be too soon. They’ve been together for a little over three years now, and the “honeymoon stage” never wore off. I can roll my eyes at them all day, but the truth is, I’d kill for something like that. I thought I had it once, and when it was taken away, I almost destroyed the fragile relationship I had with Luke to get revenge. I was so desperate to make him hurt the way I was hurting I even got Lexi involved. It’s a fucking miracle they talk to me, let alone trust me to watch their children. Sometimes I don’t think I deserve it. And I know I don’t deserve a sister-in-law as good as Lexi. “Thanks for watching the girls,” Luke tells me, stepping away from Lexi. “We appreciate it, and it’s nice getting a night out.” “It’s no problem,” I say. “They’re good girls.” “They are.” Luke turns to Lexi, grinning. “That’s why we should have another. Maybe we’ll get a boy this time.” “I wouldn’t know what to do with a boy. And we have a lot of pink.” Lexi hops off the stool. “I’m gonna go check on the girls. Thanks again, Cole.” “You’re welcome.” Lexi gives me a hug and then weaves her way around the dog, picking up the cat off the back of

the couch, and disappears upstairs, leaving me alone with Luke. It’s not awkward if I don’t think about it too hard. Standing here with him reminds me of how shitty of a brother I was. Not just since he met Lexi, but since we were teenagers. “You’re always welcome to come over and play with the girls. They’d like it,” Luke tells me, and I wonder if Lexi fed him that line. She’s worried I’m lonely. “Thanks. And I will. Have a good night.” Luke raises his eyebrows. “Oh, I will.” I just shake my head. “Right.” “Unless I go upstairs and she fell asleep. Which is entirely possible, dammit.” I chuckled and put on my shoes. “Better get up there, then.” Luke nods and runs his hand through his hair. Yep. This is awkward for him too. “Drive careful.” “Carefully,” I correct, and then wince. It’s a habit to correct everyone’s grammar. “I will.” I close the door behind me and jog down the stone steps to my car. Leather crunches as I sink into the driver’s seat, and the engine roars when I start the car. I back out of the driveway, dreading the drive from Brooklyn into the city, though it’s not really the length that bothers me. It’s because for the time it takes to get from Brooklyn to my house in Manhattan, I’m alone with my thoughts. Thoughts I don’t want to have,

and those thoughts lead to feelings I want even less. Because no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I can’t deny it. Seeing my brother and his wife so happy and in love makes a deep feeling of unease grow inside of me, and I hate myself for it. They’re either defying the odds or it’s a matter of time before everything falls apart. Because I don’t think true love exists.

I AM the villain in my own life story. Being the first one here Monday morning reminds me of how much I’ve fucked up in the past, of how much of a fucking miracle it is that I have the few friends I do. I push my shoulders back and drink my coffee, looking down at the busy Manhattan street below, wondering if I’ll ever be the hero. Heroes are inherently good. Don’t cave to the darkness. Don’t relish in the satisfaction of revenge. Have hearts of gold. Do the right thing no matter how much it screws themselves in the end. Heroes make the world a better place. I’m damned to be the bad guy. And everyone knows bad guys never get a happy ending. They live out a short reign of fake happiness before the hero rushes in and pulls it all out from under their

feet and the world cheers. No one wants to see the bad guy ride off into the sunset, arm-in-arm with someone who makes him a better person. No, the bad guys have to be taken off their feet, given their just desserts for all the shit they did. And then they’re forgotten about. With a sigh, I turn away from the window and sit at my desk, ready to get to work and get my day started. Though it really never feels like it ends. Work is important to me. Work keeps me busy. Keeps me grounded. And work is pretty much all I fucking have. I enjoy my job, really, I do. Reading has offered an escape for me since I was old enough to pick up my first book, and having a job that pays me to read is a dream come true. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like correcting people’s grammar. I start my day by checking my emails, handling things outside the publishing house before working on in-house projects. I’ve replied to three emails when my office phone rings. My brows push together and I stare at the phone, seeing that the call is coming from inside the building. No one is here to be calling me yet. No one in the editing department at least. I sigh, sure whoever is on the other line is going to tell me about some sort of problem, and answer. “Hello, Cole,” a cool, level voice comes from the other line. “It’s Caitlin Black.”

Fuck. I was not expecting a call from one of the owners of the publishing house this early. Or today. Or ever. Caitlin inherited her position as publisher and owner from her grandfather, who founded the company. It’s obvious she lacks passion for it, and spreads her misery by insulting any and everyone in the building anyway she can. “I’ve got some good and bad news, and you know how I don’t like to sugarcoat anything, so I’ll just get right to it.” “All right.” I reach for a pen in case I need to take notes. My heart speeds up and I press the phone against my ear. “I’m retiring at the end of the year and the board has decided you’re a candidate to take my position. You can decide what’s the good and what’s the bad in that. Before we move forward, I need to know if you accept or decline.” I blink. Inhale. Exhale. What just happened? “Of course I accept. It’s an honor to be considered a candidate.” “Great,” she drones dryly. “We’ll review your performance at the end of the year and come to a decision.” She hangs up without a formal goodbye, and I’m left motionless from the bomb she just dropped. Though, it’s a good bomb. Well, other than knowing I’ll be more under the fucking microscope than ever for the rest of the year.

Becoming a publisher was part of my plan the day I took the assistant editing job here at Black Ink years ago. I’m not one to settle, and I set the bar high. Though wanting to be a publisher in a company that historically only employs family as publishers was an unrealistic bar. And now it might happen. Fuck, is that excitement I’m feeling? I close my eyes and push it away. I try not to feel anymore. That didn’t work out so well in the past, and I really don’t want to fuck up the family life I’ve miraculously scraped off the pavement. Luke and Lexi forgave me once. I know I won’t get lucky again. Besides, it’s not a done deal yet. I’m just being considered, though I see no reason not to promote me. I’ve devoted my whole fucking life to this job. I give myself just a minute to think about it, then snap back to reality. And reality is that I have a shit ton of work to do. An hour later, the rest of the office begins to fill. I get up to get more coffee from the break room. “Hey, Cole,” Lexi says as she fills her cup. She’s standing at the counter next to Jillian, her best friend and fellow Black Ink editor. “Have you recovered from your wild Friday night?” “Hardly.” I set my coffee mug down and grab the pot. “Thanks again. It was really nice getting out of the house and having a few kid-free hours.”

Jillian shakes her head. “I can’t believe you want another.” My eyebrows go up, but I don’t say anything. Lexi was so sick at the beginning when she was pregnant with Harper that she ended up hospitalized and then on bedrest for nearly three months. Why anyone would want to go through that again is beyond me. “A bunch of us are going out for lunch today,” Lexi says. “Wanna join?” “Thanks, but I’ll pass. I have phone calls to make.” Lexi pulls her lips in around her teeth and nods. “Okay.” She takes a small step closer to me. “You don’t have to keep punishing yourself.” I keep my eyes on the coffee sloshing around in the glass pot in front of me. I’m still not used to how perceptive my sister-in-law can be at times. “I’m not.” “Keep telling yourself that. It’s time you enjoy life.” Another editor from the press walks in and Lexi changes the subject to Emma Stark—one of Black Ink’s most popular authors—and how she’s the first one to know how Emma’s series ends since she does the edits for her. I make the minimal amount of small talk I can with the other editors and then head back to my desk. I get a few more emails answered when one comes through from Caitlin

Black, with a blank subject line. I mouse over it, little arrow hovering for a few seconds before I click. We spoke maybe an hour ago. She better not be saying she fucking changed her mind and isn’t retiring. I take another drink of coffee and click.

COLE-

I SEE one of your part-time editors just acquired a new project. She already has more projects per hour than everyone in the building. Including you. Fix this.

WELL, fuck. I set my coffee down and roll my neck. The book she’s referring to is one Lexi just took on and is super fucking excited about. Lexi is smart. She might overextend herself and take on more than I’d recommend, but she’s not going to do a bad job. Rubbing my forehead, I pull up a file listing out everyone’s projects. Lexi does have a lot going on right now, and two books have release dates less than a month apart. Plus she edits indie books at home. And raises her children. And puts up with Luke. I don’t know how she fucking does it.

Everyone else is just as swamped. Everyone except for me. I don’t take on as many books since I manage the others. I have nothing releasing in that timeframe. I could edit this book, but I don’t want to take a project away from Lexi. And I don’t do romance. I sigh and pick up my office phone. I dial Lexi’s extension. At least she despises Caitlin as much as I do. “Hey Cole, what’s up?” “I’ve got some bad news,” I start, shaking my head at what I’m about to say. “I recently talked with Caitlin Black.” “That’s the bad news, right?” “Hah. Talking to her is bad news.” I inhale and hesitate for a second, considering telling Lexi about the possible promotion. “She said you have too many books.” “People have been telling me that for years. I say it’s not a problem with having too many books. It’s a problem with having not enough shelves.” “She didn’t mean it that way.” “Fuck,” Lexi sighs. She has a bit of a potty mouth, which surprised me. When our relationship was strictly professional, I never heard her drop an f-bomb. Fuck is one of my favorite words, so I’m not complaining. “I know what you mean. Is she going to make me drop one?” “Yeah. The newest one by, uh…” I open the file

again, looking at the data. “By Scarlett Levine.” “But that book is so good. The first book hardly requires any plot changes at all. It’s solid and we’ve already talked on the phone about stuff. And she sent me the first three chapters of book two. It makes no sense to drop this.” “I know,” I agree. “But you know Caitlin doesn’t understand. Or care.” I run a hand through my hair. “Do you have time to come in here? We can go over everything and try to make your schedule work.” “Yeah. I can come now.” I hang up, knowing Lexi is more upset about this than me. She doesn’t take on a book she doesn’t believe in, and having something taken away from you after you’ve invested time and emotion into it fucking sucks. But that’s Caitlin fucking Black for you. It makes sense, actually, that she throws around as much authority as she can her last year. She inherited her position, and despite her know-it-all attitude, I think she’s all too aware that she’s underqualified. Hence why she’s such an asshole. People will be so happy when she’s finally gone. Lexi and I spend over an hour plotting and planning, outsourcing what we can, and come up with a solid schedule. A solid, practical schedule. And Caitlin strikes again, threatening to pull marketing dollars away from a book that “can’t be

well edited and put together” since Lexi’s schedule is full. Another hour and a migraine later, I get off the phone with Caitlin and call Lexi back in my office to deliver even more bad news. “So,” Lexi sighs, looking defeated. “Are you telling Scarlett Levine or am I?”

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