Poet (Avenues Ink #3) - A.M. Johnson

Table of Contents Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty-One Chapter Twenty-Two Chapter Twenty-Three Chapter Twenty-Four Chapter Twenty-Five Chapter Twenty-Six Chapter Twenty-Seven Chapter Twenty-Eight Chapter Twenty-Nine Chapter Thirty Epilogue Playlist Acknowledgements Other Works About the Author



Copyright © 2017 by A.M. Johnson Except the original material written by the author, all songs, and song titles contained in this book are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders. The author concedes to the trademarked status and trademark owners of the products mentioned in this fiction novel and recognizes that they have been used without permission. The use and publication of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review permitted by copyright law. This book is a work of fiction. While references may be made to actual historical events or existing locations, names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or events is entirely coincidental. Epigraph: “Inked” by Alfa from the collection titled “Abandoned Breaths” was used with permission from the author. All Poetry written by Hayley Stumbo for this novel was used with permission from the author. Cover design by Mary Ruth Cover photo by Green Owl Photography Cover Model is David Leeper Editing & Formatting by Elaine York, Allusion Graphics, LLC/Publishing & Book Formatting

Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty-One Chapter Twenty-Two Chapter Twenty-Three Chapter Twenty-Four Chapter Twenty-Five Chapter Twenty-Six Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight Chapter Twenty-Nine Chapter Thirty Epilogue Playlist Acknowledgements Other Works About the Author

To those who have lost their faith… you are not a lost soul. Serve at the feet of love and acceptance, and you will be given the keys to your own paradise. For Kelly and Melissa If words are what bring us together, then we should build a bridge of books and live happily ever after.

“We have become a love story. I siphoned the moments from my heart and soul, and I have inked them into beautifully bound pages.” Alfa~



She called me Poet because my words circled her wrists, drew her closer as she stood on that cliff and watched me fall. I’d never known the real thing. I’d only ever pondered the ideal, the notion. The touch, the peaks, the uncontrolled surrender, letting go—I’d never wanted it. Love was sonnets and pain. Sex had ruined nations, destroyed men, and conquered gods. It scared the shit out of me and so did she. She called me Innocent because my hands shook as she taught me the ropes, showed me peace in a moment of chaos. I’d never felt so vulnerable. I’d only given pieces of myself, and under her eyes, every inch of my skin burned, and I’d lost the will to fight right from wrong. She called me Time because my heartbeat kept her still, owning the seconds of her thoughts and crowding the mundane ticking of the clock. My fingers twisted with hers as she pulled through the minutes, and I had no way to escape the descent.



The scent I’d always hated clung to the black fabric of my Trujillo’s Kitchen work polo. Grease and onions. The two scents dominated the small space of the confessional as I kneeled down. I’d worked at our family’s restaurant once a week for the last five years. I’d tried everything but I swear, I couldn’t get that fucking smell off my skin for days after a shift. I winced as the priest cleared his throat and immediately felt guilty for cussing, even if it was just in my head. I made the sign of the cross, lowered my head, and whispered, “En el nombre del Padre, del Hijo y del Epíritu Santo.” I swallowed down the fear that was coating my throat. Hiding behind another language always felt nice, but I was well aware that this priest spoke both English and Spanish. There would be no hiding allowed. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, it has been…” Too long. I paused and the weight of all the years bore down on me. Even though the screen obscured his eyes, Father Becker’s stare could be felt all the way down into my stomach. “It’s okay.” His calming voice opened my eyes. “You can start over.” I didn’t miss his double meaning. He was young, and my dad wasn’t keen on his “progressive ways” but my mother loved that he was this ‘skinny ass white kid who spoke beautiful Spanish’. I normally attended Spanish Mass with my folks on Sundays, but I wanted to make my own way. After five years… it was time. I had never been one to rely on anyone for too long. I’d always had myself. It was a truth I’d held tight to all my life. Look where that got you. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, it has been thirteen years since my last confession.” A pound, or maybe fifty, lifted from my spine and I exhaled. “I’ve been attending Mass regularly with my parents, but I’ve been hiding so many things, and I think it’s time to admit my wrongs.” “The road to self-forgiveness is hard. This is only the first step.” Father Becker spoke and my lips lifted into a small smile.

If I remembered correctly, when I’d been a child, the priest never said a damn word until you listed off every awful sin. You prayed together and then boom, ten Hail Marys and one Our Father. “Let’s start with the worst of the worst then?” I cleared my throat and settled into the feeling, ignoring the onions and the grease. My history pulled past my lips and trickled down into my lungs with each breath. There was no escaping what I had done. My biggest fear was going back to it all. “I’m a liar… a thief… a user, and I’ve destroyed lives, including my own.” I waited for him to interrupt me, to ask me how, or why, or when, but he said nothing. “I stopped using drugs about five years ago. Being clean, off pills, off everything, I can finally see all the damage I’ve caused, and I’m trying to repair it. But…” My throat contracted and tears swelled and spilled down my cheeks. I never cried, but the evil inside of me was fighting, and I had to be honest. I had to. “But, the things I’ve done, Father, I’m not sure if they’re forgivable.” “You have had many struggles.” It wasn’t a question. “Stealing, sex, I’ve sold myself for drugs, and I… I…” My worst sin… I’d keep to myself—for now. “Years, I’ve caused my parents to worry. I’ve dishonored my family. I’ve checked off every commandment, except for murder, but I want to be better. I can’t go back to that life. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.” I was selfish. Who gave a shit if I felt like me again? My poor mother, my dad, my sister, how would they ever heal the wounds that I’d caused? All that unnecessary burden I’d strapped them with, all so I could get high. So I could pretend to be free, be an adult, be with him. I’d given up eight years of my life, by my own hand, for nothing. Drugs were never my poison, addiction was. Back then, I would’ve done anything to feed the monster that lived inside of me. Lives… the beast was sleeping but always present. I never doubted that. Trusting myself, I had such a long, dangerous road ahead of me. “I am sorry for my sins, for my past,” I whispered and wiped away the tears from my cheeks. “Let us pray.” Father Becker spared me his counsel, at least for today. He was the kind of priest who would most likely seek me out this Sunday and ask me how I was holding up. Every Sunday he would ask me to volunteer, and for the longest time my answer had always been no. Between my job at the bar, and my family’s restaurant, I hadn’t had the time. It wasn’t until this past spring that I finally listened and started donating my time at Lifeline Women’s Shelter. Until then, real recovery had eluded me. I’d been hiding from myself, and my addiction. It wasn’t until I started helping others, some like me—and some not— that I was able to begin moving forward. We recited the Act of Contrition and he’d assigned me penance, but not before suggesting I attend the Narcotics Anonymous meetings that were held here at the church every Thursday. NA wasn’t for me, though. There was merit to it, I would never deny that, but I’d always been a do-it-myself-kind-of-girl and speaking to strangers, turning myself inside out, exposing all the ugly… in public? I got nauseous just thinking about it.

I was walking on pins and needles by the time I finished praying. The distance from St. Ann’s to my apartment wasn’t too far, but I’d decided to take a detour and enjoy the cool, fall air. October was always my favorite month. The smell of dead leaves, the static in the air, it was like anticipation on tap. Adrenaline in the wind. I loved it. I’d forgotten how much I liked the crisp taste of the city at night. Salt Lake wasn’t huge and, unlike other cities, it hid its underbelly pretty damn good. From the outside looking in, it was beautiful, clean, and almost holy. But when you’re used to seeing all the shit in the creases, it’s hard to see anything else. For the longest time, not even the autumn-colored mountains could pull me from the dirty depths, so I was grateful for this walk, and every one since. Today was my anniversary. October 6th, five years clean. Every day was a new day, a do-over, and every time the sun set, I prayed that I’d hate myself a little less in the morning.

“Hey, Aunt Mel.” “Hey, JoJo. Where’s your mom?” “She’s in the kitchen with Abuela, they’re fighting again.” My nephew, Jordan, rolled his eyes as he wiped down the menus and placed them on the table. I laughed and ruffled his hair. I lowered my voice to a conspiratorial whisper, “Should I scare them?” His smile was silent as he shook his head. “No way, Aunt Mel. Abuela threatened the wooden spoon if I went into the kitchen.” This time my head fell back as I laughed. My mom and her wooden spoon. She’d never touched a precious hair on any of our heads, let alone spanked us. “I think I’ll risk it,” I said, and he gave me a look that screamed “your funeral.” I could hear the raised voices as I walked to the back of my family’s restaurant. I grabbed my black apron from the hook behind the drink station and tied it around my waist heading toward the kitchen door. My hand hesitated on the dark green painted wood as my sister’s voice filtered through. “Mom, it’s her choice, you can’t force it. His birthday isn’t the time to rattle his little world and you know it, and Papa knows it, so just leave it. Jesus.” “Don’t swear.” My mother’s curt tone would’ve normally made me laugh, but I needed to put an end to this conversation and I needed to do it now. He was sitting right outside the kitchen, for hell’s sake. I pushed through the door and fixed my eyes on my mom and sister. “What are you two bickering about?”

I watched as my mom’s eyes fell to the ground. My sister busied herself with nothing in particular on the counter and pretended to look for something. My voice held no humor as I said, “Shit, Maria, at least try to look innocent.” “Don’t swear! You and your sister will give me a heart attack, and then where will you be?” “In a quiet kitchen.” Maria smarted off under her breath, and I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of my throat. “You girls think you know everything.” Mom pointed at me and then Maria. “When I’m dead, then you’ll see.” “Mom, you’re fifty-seven, give me a break already. Your guilt trips are getting as worn out as my shoes running across these floors every damn day.” Maria gave me a private smirk. I shook my head, my own lips spreading into dimples. “What were you guys talking about?” I asked again as I reached into my pocket and pulled out a hair band. “Jordan’s tenth birthday is coming up and we thought—” “You thought, don’t drag me into this bullshit,” Maria interrupted, and Mom shot her a glare that could kill. For the first time ever, I actually thought she would snap. “Maybe it’s time?” Mom asked as she shifted her gaze back to me, and her eyes filled with a hope I couldn’t grant her. I was tired of this argument. “It will never be time, Mom. It’s not fair to him.” “But—” “Maria just got divorced—not even a year ago—his life is falling apart enough as it is. I won’t add to that. I won’t.” I lowered my eyes to the old brown tiles. “He’s your son.” My sister’s eyes glittered with unshed tears and that anvil of shame split my sternum. “No, Mom, he’s Maria’s.” I tried to hold back the bitterness. It had been my choice to let Maria raise him, and I wouldn’t hurt her, or Jordan, like that. It was the only good thing I’d done back then. I’d given my baby a family, and a life away from pain, drugs, and God knows what else. When I’d found out I was pregnant, Chance had left me in the capable hands of my family. He’d left. Drugs—the high—had always been his first and only priority. I’d had my entire family helping me during the pregnancy, through the withdrawals, but I’d never felt more alone, more abandoned than I had when Chance never came back after he’d dropped me off at my family’s restaurant. I’d stayed clean long enough for Jordan to be born, long enough to hand him over to my sister, long enough to go crawling back to Chance. Pathetic and lost, I’d known I’d never be a good mom to JoJo and, even though it was the best choice, the guilt I’d harbored sent me right back into the arms of the beast.

“Mom, leave it.” I heard Maria order as the kitchen door swung shut behind me. I didn’t look at Jordan as I walked past him to the bathroom. I didn’t acknowledge his blue eyes, the same pair of eyes that had once belonged to his father. Chance was another addiction I’d tried to quit, but just like he always did, Chance had taken care of the problem. I should have pulled my life together after his overdose, but I’d chosen to fall deeper, instead. Using his death as another excuse to shatter completely. The women’s bathroom was poorly lit. The one toilet always leaked, and constantly ran, no matter what my dad tried to do to fix it. I was happy it wasn’t too bright in here. The sight of my deep brown, almost black eyes swimming in tears would’ve pushed me over the edge. I’d cried enough this week. Father Becker’s words about starting over had echoed in my head for the past three days. Starting over with Jordan wasn’t an option. He belonged to Maria, and I was lucky to be in his life at all. I tugged on my ponytail and ran my fingers through the coarse, black hair in an attempt to tame the frizz. My uncontrollable mane was a gift of my mother’s. She was half black, half Caucasian, and my dad was Mexican. I was born with caramel skin, and enough smartass remarks to land me in the hot seat more than a few times. My mother had always told me I was beautiful, that Maria and I were blessed by God and good genetics. I’d always thought Maria deserved her praise, not me. Somehow, I’d always been the one to end up in trouble. Even as a small child I’d thought something wasn’t quite right inside my heart. I licked my lips and flicked my gaze to the sink, not willing to look at myself for too long. I’d start to see the ghost of whom I’d been and it scared me to death. I washed my hands and used my wet fingertips to fix any flyaway hairs around my temples and forehead. The restaurant would open soon, I’d work the extra lunch shift I’d picked up, per my father’s request, and then I’d go home and sift through all the memories that had drifted to the surface today before heading to my other job. It was how I processed. I didn’t hold them back. I let them lift from the dirty sea-floor of my soul. I’d stare right back at them, and then I’d remember how it felt to be five and already a shoplifter, or what it was like to be sixteen and hooked on Oxy, or how, at seventeen years old, I blew my boyfriend’s best friend for fifty dollars, so we could score some pills. These memories would never dissolve into some special place of forgetting, they would scream and kick to the surface, reminding me that I’d owned those choices. These horrible things haunted me, and my skin and bones were a map the monster could use to pull me back into the dark, but I’d never let him find his way. Never again. My fingers trembled as I opened the bathroom door, and my heart lodged itself inside my throat. This was too much for eleven o’clock in the morning, and too much was treacherous. Too much broke the foundations of phrases like never again, and not this time. Jordan turned in his chair and studied me as I lingered in the doorway. The sun poured in from the restaurant windows, illuminating those clear blue eyes, and my foundations hardened, stood strong. I’d won the battle, at least for today.

“Drink from the well of yourself, and begin again.” Charles Bukowski~



The lead of my pencil held its sharp point. No words had dulled the tip as I sat at my desk staring at the piece of paper. The air was thick as I focused, trying to think past the block behind my eyes. All the words were contained into tiny little compartments inside my head, begging to be spilled across the paper. I had nothing. Some days I had fountains and, others, I was as dried up as a well in an Arizona desert. Did they even have wells in Arizona? “Shit,” I whispered to myself and looked around my apartment completely distracted. New light beige couches offset the dark flooring. The walls were bare except for a few of my brother Declan’s paintings, and the open, loft-like space felt cold despite the worn, warm colored exposed brick. The kitchen, with its stainless steel and black granite, felt too industrial. I’d moved in this spring after my mother passed away unexpectedly of a stroke. It’s funny how the world worked. You had everything one day, and then the next it was washed away in one giant tsunami of shit. I used to think God could fix everything. I thought He had all the answers. I’d prayed that He would show me the right way. But I was still misled, just like everyone else. I was the youngest of three boys. Liam and Declan were older than me, two years separating each of us. Liam, the leader, owned the tattoo shop, Avenues Ink, where we all worked. They were the real artists, though. I just ran the desk and helped with the finances. Not that I knew what the hell I was doing with that either. My degree was in theology. I’d once thought that I wanted to be a priest. My obsession with the church started when I was eleven. It was the year I received my first holy communion and the same year

my brother, Declan, had tried to kill himself. I’d come inside from playing in the backyard, like any other day, and found him. He suffered from schizophrenia and depression, but we hadn’t known it yet. My parents hadn’t believed him when he’d said that he’d been haunted by voices. Declan was only thirteen years old when he tried to silence the voices no one else could hear. Since that day, after he’d attempted to hang himself in the closet, that image… it pushed me, it had fueled everything inside of me. I’d wanted to help him, others like him, help anyone I could, and I’d thought God would be the one with all the answers. God had to have the answers. God was the one who’d created us. God was the one who could help. My brother suffered from his illness, and I had to know why. Why some people had it good and others didn’t? Why we’d been forced to watch as my dad succumbed to his alcohol addiction? Why my oldest brother, Liam, had to give every bit of who he was to support our family while my mother lost hope and withered away? Liam had worked so hard to keep us afloat, and after our dad died of cirrhosis, he bought the tattoo shop. Liam had single-handedly brought our little family back to life. But not even that was sacrificefree. Liam and his girlfriend had split up for a while when he’d chosen to stay here to help our family while she’d moved to California, and I’d put becoming a priest on the back burner to help take care of Mom. My fingers gripped the wood of the pencil, and I lowered my head. I hated these selfish thoughts. I’d usually purge them onto paper. My little secrets. My brothers had no idea that I liked to write. When we were kids, we used to make comic books. Declan and Liam would draw the pictures, and I’d fill in the dialogue. But it was just for fun. My journals, my poetry. That was just for me. When my mom died, it was the first time in my life I’d blamed God. I’d always come to Him for answers, but never imparted blame. And since then, my relationship with religion, it had changed, shifted, and I had no idea what to do. The words I’d once loved to write faded more and more every day along with my faith. I loved the church. I loved the ritual of Mass, of the rosary. I lived for the smell of the cathedral, the colors that cast from the stained-glass windows, the dark stories of faith, and the knowledge that we were not alone. But the minute I blamed God, that weak moment, I felt the hollow begin to grow inside my heart and it became more vacant each day. I went to church. I went through the motions. I smiled and made sure everyone knew I was okay. But I missed it. I missed the peace of knowing, one hundred percent, there was more to this life than sacrifice. I missed the ease of syllables and rhyme. I missed sentences that meant something and metaphors worth smiling about. My pencil dropped from my hand as my phone vibrated against the desk, pulling me from my thoughts. I lifted it and unlocked the screen. Kemper: Where you at, bro? Tana’s sister isn’t going to wait all night. I exhaled an annoyed breath and ignored his text. I worked at Avenues with Kemper and, for some reason, he and his girlfriend were constantly trying to hook me up with

women. I guess I was like their version of charity. No one likes a virgin, let alone a twenty-seven-year-old virgin. I’d had a girlfriend in high school for a little while but, after a very awkward blow job, the guilt I’d felt pulled me away from dating completely. I’d gone to confession that next day, and I’d recited enough Hail Marys and Our Fathers to make my throat hurt. It was safe to say that, back then, celibacy had become my new favorite thing. I’d given myself to God, and I’d cringed at all the drama my friends had gone through in high school because of sex. My brothers’ lives had almost been ruined because they’d chosen to be in relationships. I’d been the one who had it right… or so I’d thought. Liam likes to blame himself for everything. So much so, after Mom passed, he gave me his apartment and moved in with his girl, Kelly, before they got married. This place was basically a bachelor pad, but I knew Liam, and I think he could’ve convinced Kelly to move in here if he’d tried. The apartment sat above Avenues. This was Liam’s empire, his everything, and I feared that maybe the guilt he’d felt for making me miss out on seminary helped his decision to move out. I’d lived in our family home my whole life, but we’d all made the choice to sell Mom’s house after she died. After all, it made sense for Liam to move in with Kelly and for me to move in here, and if I’d been honest with Liam, like I should have, he would have never had an ounce of guilt. Hell, I hadn’t even been honest with myself for all those years. I wasn’t ever really cut out for the priesthood. Faith had always been my security blanket, and now that I was doubting it, doubting myself, I saw my past for what it was. A hiding place. I was the baby brother. The one who didn’t get into trouble, one less burden for Liam, one less worry for my mother, and a solid fixture for Declan to lean on. I was the thin steel spine, as fragile as it was, of the ship Liam had built. I believed in God, and I believed in the church, and even though doubt had planted its seed, I still believed. It’s what I was made of. But that seed had sprouted fresh, green leaves, and the harder I tried to remember the feeling, that calm hand of faith, the colder I’d become. Again, my phone vibrated, this time in my hand and, I knew when I opened the lock screen, it would be a text from Kemper. He was relentless. Kemper: Get your ass down here. Kemper: Right now! Kemper: Hot. Easy. Chicks. I coughed out a laugh and stood from my chair. My legs ached from sitting for too long and, as I looked down at the blank piece of paper, I came to the realization that maybe faith and inspiration went hand in hand. My fingers tapped out a short reply. Me: I’m headed to Bellows, give me fifteen. Kemper: Really? Hot, easy, chicks worked? Holy shit, wait till I tell Liam. I didn’t even bother answering his taunt. I was used to being the brunt of everyone’s joke. Baby of the family, rule number one of survival, grow thick skin.

I headed into my room to throw on a shirt. I’d taken a shower when I came home from work earlier, and then got sidetracked when I decided to try and lay down some words. I grabbed a blue, long-sleeved Henley from my closet and pulled it on. It fit a little more snug than last fall, but when all you do is work and spend time at the gym, you fill out. Liam and Declan may be older, but I had at least twenty pounds on both of them, not to mention, I was about three inches taller. It didn’t take me long to get ready, and I wasn’t driving since Bellows was within walking distance so I slipped my keys into my pocket and grabbed my wallet and phone from the desk. My eyes fell to the stark white paper and then shifted to the pencil. The silence of the room set my teeth on edge as I picked up the pencil and pressed the tip down onto the paper. I wet my lips as my eyes lingered over the letters and the pencil fell to the desktop. One word. It was all I had for tonight. Empty.

“I swear to God, if you hadn’t shown up, I was going to call Liam and make him drag you out.” Kemper’s eyes lit with mischief as he sipped from his bottle of beer. The condensation from my own bottle saturated my fingertips as I stood at the bar. I’d only been inside Bellows for about five minutes and Kemper was already ragging on me. “You promised hot, easy chicks, Kemp, not your whining.” I tipped the bottle to my lips with a smartass smirk before I let the bitter lager spill down my throat. Bellows was our favorite local bar. It was dark enough no one saw your flaws, and loud enough you never had to have a real conversation. I loved how every night the music was different, ranging from punk, to rap, to screamo, and it was cool to run into old school friends from time to time. Picking up women, though, I was an amateur, and I could never seem to follow through on anything. I’d get numbers, offers, but something about picking up a girl at a bar… tipsy lips, and glazed eyes, did they want me, or were they drowning themselves in something for the night? Liam would say, “Who gives a shit?” or “You have to start somewhere.” I’d held off for too long to just throw it away on some drunk chick. I’ve had a few dates this past year, and I was happy to find that blow jobs were not as sloppy or as guilt inducing as when I was with my high school girlfriend; however, I still wasn’t into losing my virginity with a one-night-stand, or even a three-month-get-to-know-you-then-leave-you type relationship. I might have doubts about my faith, but I still believed in God, in something bigger than me, than this small universe, and the part of me that still held tight to all those beliefs was telling me to wait. Wait for the one who mattered. I wanted to love like my brothers did. I probably sounded sappy as hell, and maybe I’d lose my man card way before my virginity, if I hadn’t already, but that kind of love, it was

worth the wait. I was jealous of Declan and his girlfriend, Paige. They’d just had twins this past May, and Liam and Kelly had recently been married in September. I was the last one, and I felt like a kid who didn’t even know how to tie his damn shoes. Regardless, I wouldn’t rush it. I would fight for it like they had, even fight myself if I had to. Someone worth keeping wouldn’t sully their shine in one night, they’d keep your eyes trained on their silver lining. Reel you in, until you never wanted anything more, never wanted to let go. “Hey,” Kemper said as he punched my shoulder. “Here they come, don’t fuck this up or Tana will have my ass.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m not making any promises.” “The line to the bathroom is ridiculous in this place. What’re those bitches doing in there for so long?” Tana’s mouth curled at the corners as she spoke. Her eyes meeting mine briefly and then her sister’s. Tana had been a regular at Avenues for a long time. She was covered in ink, her sister, on the other hand, not a drop. Well, none that I could see. Her sister was cute with long, light brown hair that fell over her shoulders in straight, shiny strands. Where Tana’s features were sharp, her sister’s were round. Round eyes, round cheeks, full lips and hips, and… my eyes involuntarily slid down to her tits. Yup. Round. “This is my sister, Trista.” “Most people call me, Tris.” Her voice was high-pitched, staged, and I was already bored. “Nice to meet you,” I offered with a practiced smile, hoping to feel something. Her alabaster cheeks filled with a nice shade of pink as I took her small hand in mine, but still… nada. “You guys look nothing alike,” I openly observed as I dropped her hand and slid my own into my pocket. Tris bit her bottom lip and my eyes drifted to her mouth. Would I try to kiss her later? Maybe in the hallway to the bathroom. Maybe outside, after I asked her for her number, which I may or may not call in three days, per the protocol Liam and Kemp had always suggested. “Tana’s the wild one.” Tris laughed as she grabbed a glass filled with clear liquid and a lime dangling off the rim from the bar. She toyed with the black straw between her long fingers as she said, “Thanks, Kemp.” “You get my sister a drink and not me?” Tana cocked her brow and I smirked. She was such a hard ass. It’s probably why Liam kept her around before he got back together with Kelly. Kemper had swooped in and scooped her up as soon as Liam broke it off. “Calm your tits,” Kemper teased and handed Tana one of the two beers he had bought while she was in the restroom. “Thanks.” She leaned in and kissed him on the mouth. I averted my eyes back to Tris who was still toying with that skinny straw. She grasped

it between her plump lips and took a slow sip. She’d caught my attention, and her smile spread across her face and into her hazel eyes. Score one for Tris. I wasn’t dead. I had a pulse, and right now, regardless of whether or not this chick was worth my time, my body had other ideas. It was a battle I’d been warring against for years. Do I or don’t I? She wasn’t the treasure, of that I was sure. Would I kiss her? Most likely. Ask her up to my place? If she didn’t stop fucking with that straw, no doubt. Messing around wasn’t sex and it couldn’t hurt… well, at least that’s what Declan had advised. I’d laughed and told him, he, of all people, wasn’t allowed to offer me dating advice. He’d only ever been with Paige and, while they were broken up, for nine damn years, he’d turned down every single chick. We O’Connell boys were loyal, if nothing else. Liam was loyal to his love for Kelly, and Declan to his love for Paige. I was loyal to my ideals, and I was afraid I’d never find anyone who would live up to what I’d created in my head. What was left for me if not even God held all of my heart anymore?



You would’ve thought, over the years, the smell of this place wouldn’t bother me anymore. The overly sweet scent of coconuts and candy blended together with the deep, booming bass, and it was enough to send me hightailing it out of here the minute my shift ended. The Western Lounge was just like every other strip club in Utah that sold alcohol. Pasties and G-strings. The one perk… the girls kept their snatch under wraps. The music, the smell, all triggers that brought me back to where I’d once been every time I punched in. The place was dead today, and I was grateful. Working two jobs had begun to wear on me. Only a few guys lingered by the stage, the pink lights bounced off the black tables and gave me a headache as I washed the last few glasses from the lunch rush. It amazed me, to this day, that guys came to joints like this for lunch. Beer and tits. A mid-day delicacy, I supposed. I shouldn’t talk shit about this place, if it hadn’t been for the owner, Jaime, who would’ve known where the hell I’d be at this point in my life. Jaime was in his late fifties, sleazy as they come. Salt and pepper hair, pot belly, seventies mutton chop sideburns, and the asshole wore sunglasses whether or not he was indoors or outdoors. Cliché on two legs. But, he’d cleaned my ass up, given me a steady job, and let me sleep in the back room until I got on my feet. When I’d overdosed a little over five years ago, if he hadn’t found me, I would’ve been six-fucking-feet under. My fingertips were pruned by the time I set the last glass onto the drying rack. Starlee was coming in at two to relieve me. I was supposed to meet up with my friend Kelly at three. She’d recently started up her own women’s shelter and asked me if I wanted to apply for a job. I’d met her at Lifeline while volunteering there, and she was the first female I’d been able to really connect with in a long time. She’d never pushed me for information, and I appreciated that. There was a difference between fighting and surviving. She was a fighter. She took what she wanted. She and her man had once had issues and she’d grabbed the bull by the horns and made shit right. She was married now and I envied that. Not the marriage, but the fight.

Fighters were epic, they were heroes of their own destinies, but me—I was just a survivor. My life, for so long, was a sequence of near deaths and tragic endings. I bounced through each roadblock, floated through, numbing myself with pills and, if I couldn’t afford pills, then heroin had been my answer. I’d survived the streets only because I’d been good at pretending I had no other choice. I’d left home at sixteen, not because I was escaping abusive parents, or a broken home, but because I’d gotten caught stealing money for drugs from the register at my family’s restaurant. A fighter would’ve told her boyfriend no way. A fighter would’ve never fallen into drugs to impress some asshole—a fighter would’ve stopped using drugs the minute she’d found out she was pregnant, pulled her life together, and been a fucking mom. Sometimes I wished I was able to repress all the shit I’d done into some recess of my mind. Act like everything I’d done was because of my shitty childhood. But I came from a great home and loving parents, attended catholic school, for Christ’s sake. Five years ago, when I’d taken enough heroin for two people, and Jaime had found me unresponsive in the back room, my family had walked into that hospital room like I’d never done a damn thing. Like I was still their little girl and not the plague that had destroyed their hearts. They took me back, broken, and overused, and told me it was water under the bridge as long as I never took another drug again. In my overdosed, drug-hazed mind, I’d known this was my last chance at survival, so I chose right. For once, I chose the path to something better. Things weren’t easy, but the fighter I’d always wanted to be had tried to surface. Every damn day, since I’d left rehab, that strong girl had been fighting to show herself. Nausea rolled my stomach as I stepped out from behind the bar. Memories tended to fill my gut with bile instead of butterflies like the rest of the world. Starlee was late, and I had to hurry home to shower. I couldn’t show up for my interview in a halter-spaghettistrap tank-top and booty shorts. Even if Kelly was my friend, she’d most likely throw me out on my ass. “Jaime,” I hollered over the music as I threw the rag onto the bar top behind me. He was talking to one of the dancers, Sochi, by the stage, but stopped his conversation and made his way to where I was standing. “I have to leave. Starlee’s late again. You know I love her but—” “But you have your priorities. Yeah, I know. This place is a ghost town. Sochi can grab drinks until Starlee gets here.” Sochi was rail thin, with fake tits and bleach-blonde hair. The guys loved that shit, and it helped she was our best dancer. Tending bar though, I was sure Starlee would get an earful from her once she showed up. “What’s her deal anyway? She’s been late a lot.” Jaime avoided my eyes and pushed his hands into his pockets. “You know, life shit.” “She using again?” I knew it. The signs were there. She preferred meth, and that stuff ate your beauty like a fly did shit. She was wasting away and he was letting her. “What am I supposed to do?” He shrugged his shoulders.

“Do like you did for me. Pull her ass in here, lock her in the back room if you have to. She’s going to die doing that stuff.” “Sweetheart, you’re one to talk. I gave you a job, a roof over your head, and for two years you snuck behind my back. Taking pills, shooting up. I know you had to get high to dance, it’s why after your OD I pulled you, made you tend bar instead. To be honest, I don’t know why the hell you still work here.” Whenever I had the opportunity, I tested myself. Five years, tending bar, one foot in my old life, one foot in my future. If I could handle it, I knew I would make it and maybe I’d become the fighter I’d always wanted to be. “I need the money, but I got a job interview, a good place. Who knows?” My lips spread into a smile and I lifted my left brow. “I might actually quit you.” Jaime’s face split into an eye-popping grin. “I can only hope. You were always too good for this place, Mel…too fucking good.” “Thanks for that.” I playfully slapped his shoulder and, before I turned around, I said, “Get her off the meth, Jaime. If you need my help, you know my number.” He nodded and his smile disappeared as I turned toward the back exit.

It was October and somehow beads of sweat collected on my forehead as I walked into The Irene O’Connell House. The place hadn’t officially opened yet, but it was swarming with people, most of whom were construction workers, painters, and from what I could see, everything was pulling together nicely. A small smile lifted the corners of my lips as I walked past the front desk. The first floor was still wide open, and all the chatter from the workers, the beats of their hammers, echoed off the high ceilings. “Hey, you look lost.” Kelly’s familiar voice rose above the chaos as she yelled from the top of her ladder. A laugh stretched my smile as I watched her carefully scale her way down in tight yoga pants and a black, paint-stained Avenues Ink t-shirt. “I would have dressed down if I knew the interview was business casual,” I teased as I waved my hand up and then down, mocking her attire. Her chocolate hair was up in a messy bun, and she had streaks of white across her forehead. I suddenly stopped worrying about my own sweaty forehead. I’d worried for nothing. Kelly was a down-to-Earth chick. I hadn’t known her very long, but she’d always been kind. I guess mistrusting myself and others was a habit I’d have to learn to quit as well. “You look good.” She leaned down and dropped the paintbrush into a small bucket of paint that sat on the floor. “Follow me, the second floor is a work in progress, but the third floor offices are the only thing we haven’t had to gut… for now.” Kelly’s smirk lit her

brown eyes as they met mine. “No elevator, so I hope you don’t mind doing three flights in those heels.” “Not a problem,” I assured her. I was wearing a black pencil skirt, a long sleeve, white button-up blouse, and black heels to match. I might have a tarnished past, but I cleaned up nicely when I wanted. At the foot of the stairs, I removed my heels and let them dangle from my fingers, earning a genuine laugh from Kelly. The third floor was as she explained. Most of the old offices from the previous owners sat vacant. We walked by a few doors, turned left down a small hall, and then right, through the door that led into her office. The room was huge and mostly empty, except for a big cherry wood desk, a few chairs, and a file cabinet. The back wall was all glass and, even though the other buildings hovered over this one, you could still look out onto the snowcapped mountain range of the Wasatch Front. “This is so amazing. Shit, Kelly, you should be so proud.” I took a seat in one of the chairs as I admired the view. “I couldn’t have done it without Liam and his brothers. They’ve helped so much. Who knew Liam had so many connections?” She smiled as she took her seat on the other side of the desk, and I slipped on my heels. “He’s been at the shop a long time, though, right? He gets to know people,” I offered and she nodded. “I know, but he never ceases to amaze me.” A blush filled her cheeks, and I almost giggled. “Still riding the newlywed high, Mrs. O’Connell?” She huffed out a laugh. “Maybe.” “Didn’t you tell me you were going to hook me up with one of his brothers once?” I was joking, of course, but her eyes sparkled with ideas as she leaned forward in her chair. “Well… Liam and I are hosting a small Halloween party at our place, and I wanted to invite you. Kieran is still single, and I think you guys might—” A nervous laughed escaped my lips. “I’m kidding, Kelly. I don’t have time right now to date. Two jobs, plus volunteering at Lifeline, equals no life.” She narrowed her eyes. “Mel, you know you have the job here. This isn’t a real interview. You can work here… full-time. See, no more need for two jobs. I’m only hiring a few people, the rest is strictly volunteer, but you worked so well with the ladies over at Lifeline, and I could use your experience.” I took a deep breath. If I could quit The Western… “What would you have me doing, exactly?” “Well, phase one, the temporary shelter, will be opening in December. I’ll need you to help train the volunteers, help make food, clean toilets. It won’t be glamorous, but you’d be making good money, and you’d help give women and their children a safe place to

sleep. It’s going to be hard work, but I’ll be right beside you, washing sheets, and folding towels. And hopefully, after the last two phases open and counseling services are available, we’ll be able to hire more people, and then…” She smiled and it gave me hope. “Sky’s the limit. Back in the trenches for now, but once we’re up and running, if you stay, if you like it, who knows what opportunities could come your way.” She didn’t know my past. She was offering me more than I deserved, but I admired her drive, her ambition. She’d almost died in a car wreck earlier this year. She got beat up pretty bad, scarred her face, and lost her modeling career, but she persevered, bought this rundown building, and wanted to do something good with it. “I’d love to work here.” Her lips split into a smile that reached her eyes. “Really?” I nodded. “I think what you’re doing is amazing, and I want to be a part of it even if it’s only cleaning shit out of a toilet.” We both laughed, and as she stood from her chair, I did, as well. “Should I give you the grand tour?” “Of course.” My brows dipped and my tone suggested she was stupid to even ask. “I missed your attitude. You don’t text me enough.” “My life is… very… complicated.” It was the first time I’d ever really given her a clue about my life. “I gathered as much. I’m still holding you to that girls’ night you promised me back when I was working at Lifeline. I’ll get you to spill all your secrets. It’s only fair, you know all of mine.” “Somehow I doubt that,” I said as we made our way back to the stairs. “I like the name you chose for the shelter. Liam’s mom, right?” Her smile dimmed enough that I noticed. “After she died, I wanted to honor her. She was a savior to me, and now she can be a savior to others.” “Shit, does Liam even deserve you?” I paused at the top of the stairs, and my lips twitched as they fought a smile. “We deserve each other.” She nudged me with her shoulder. “Halloween, no excuses. My place. Nine-thirty, I’ll make sure little brother is there.” Why the hell not? If Liam’s brother looked anything like him, at least I’d have some eye candy for the night. I wasn’t on the market. Dating after Chance died seven years ago, the tailspin I’d fallen into…I wasn’t ready to get attached. Attached meant I had to depend on another person, that my happiness was linked to theirs, and when you’re a recovering drug addict, attached was a fucking grenade. “Nine-thirty.” “Costumes are optional,” she said, but raised her eyebrows. “But Kieran is… well, you’ll see, maybe come as a sexy nun.” Her smile felt like a private joke. “Nah, maybe a sexy maid, since that’s basically what you just hired me for?”

Kelly’s laugh seemed to boom inside the stairwell as we walked down to the second floor. “Honestly, I think to catch his eye, sexy is the last thing you want to be.” Okay? “Do you want to explain that, please?” “Nope.” Her smirk was too cute and, if she hadn’t just given me an out from The Western, I might’ve hated her a little for it. “Fine,” I barked with my usual sass and passed her on the stairs. “Maybe I’ll come as a stripper.” Kelly’s head fell back as she laughed a little too hard. “Oh, God, no, don’t do that, you’ll send him running to the hills.” My smile stayed perfectly in place but my stomach was twisted in knots as I smoothly said, “Stripper it is.” This was why I didn’t get close to people, to men, in particular. I was who I was. I couldn’t change the things I’d done, and I knew I’d never be good enough for a guy like Liam, or his brother. I might appear on the outside fresh and new and bright, but it was a lie. I was rusted from the inside out, and if they looked close enough, they’d see straight through the shitty rebuild all the way to the ugly, weathered shell.

“And the skin stretched over her bones, becomes my new religion.” Hayley Stumbo~



The solemn words of the Lord’s Prayer lifted and echoed throughout the room. Our voices hovered high in the domed ceiling as we all stood and spoke in unison. Sunday Mass seemed to be the only time I felt at peace with myself anymore. Liam had always been the leader, Declan the center, and I… I’d never really fit. I’d become the “someone” everyone could turn to. But I didn’t have real answers, just comforting, pretty words. I was the quiet, helpful, sweet kid, and everyone was moving forward while I was stuck in limbo. Social purgatory. Still figuring out where my puzzle pieces fit. Did I stay at Avenues? Go back to school? Start a family? Twenty-seven was looking pretty damn scary. Right or wrong. Me or them. Which way was my course. I’d always believed in myself, believed in the strict structure I’d created for my life. Family, prayer, work… simple things, and I should be happy. I was happy. But I was also alone. If Liam could hear my internal thoughts he’d call me a whiny asshole, and he’d be right. I was already tired of myself this morning…and it was only ten. Father Becker’s deep voice called my attention. “The peace of the Lord be with you always.” “And with your spirit,” I said in sync with everyone else. Father Becker continued, “Let us offer each other the sign of peace.”

I turned to my right and took Mrs. Detwiler’s hand as she said, “Peace be with you.” I nodded and returned the sentiment. I turned to my left and repeated the handshake with Becky Mills, and then again with Mr. Kirk who’d sat in the pew just in front of me. When I turned to the row behind me, a woman I’d never seen before held out her hand. My mouth went dry as her soft hand slid into mine. Depthless brown, almost black eyes, watched me under thick, dark lashes. I swallowed as my heartbeat went from a leisurely walk in the park to a flat-out sprint. “Peace be with you,” she whispered in a smooth, honeyed tone, and her full lips curved up on the right side. Her dark, inky black hair fell in waves over her shoulders and stood out against the crisp, white button-down blouse she had on. She was poured into a gray skirt that showed every blessed curve, and if I hadn’t been in the middle of Mass, I would’ve let my eyes linger along the smooth lines of her petite body. A sweet as hell dimple popped in her right cheek, and I suddenly forgot what I was supposed to do. She released her hold on my hand, her brows dipping in confusion as her eyes searched mine. My hand hung in the air for a split-second longer than I should’ve allowed. I was taking pleasure in the warmth her touch had left behind, and the odd burn as her heat finally dissipated. It was as if a shock had been delivered to the skin of my palm. She cleared her throat, her smile taking on a nervous edge, and I realized that Father Becker had begun to speak again. As I turned around, I couldn’t help the stupid grin that formed on my face. She was alone. No man at her side and, as everyone prepared for communion, I was thinking of how I could introduce myself. I was going to hell. I was still stuck in my head once it was time for me to stand for communion and, as I turned to exit the pew, I tried to keep my eyes straight ahead, but they fell to her anyway. She was kneeling, with her head down, waiting for her turn to stand. Her hair was hanging over one shoulder, and I might’ve let my eyes linger on the line of her neck like a creeper. It wasn’t long before I was back to my seat after I’d walked up to the alter and received communion. My knees pressed into the worn cushion of the pew, and the smell of Mrs. Detwiler’s perfume permeated the air as I took a deep breath, bowed my head, made the sign of the cross, and prayed. The flavorless wafer dissolved on my tongue, and while I should’ve been asking God to forgive my sins, all I could think about was her. The girl who had been sitting behind me with tan skin and dark eyes. The touch that had sent me reeling, made my stomach flip in a free fall. I lifted my eyes, just for a moment, and caught her staring at me as she walked back to her seat after she’d received her communion. Her head was tilted down, but those bottomless eyes found mine. I swallowed and she looked away, lowering her head more as she passed my row. I needed to pull my head out of my ass. One look and I’m hooked? I’d blame my lack of… lack of everything involved with the softer sex, in general. By the time everyone had received communion and Father Becker wrapped up and ended Mass, I was almost coming out of my skin. I was warring with myself as always. Feeling guilt for not being fully present during communion, for having my mind on things less spiritual and more sexual, but also feeling excited, nervous, and for once, interested.

She was at church, and was not some drunk bar chick. Most of the people, women whom I’d attended church with, were either married or nearly dead, so she was like the Holy Grail. Mass was over, and when I finally got the chance to look at her again, she was gone. I flicked my gaze to the herd of people and spotted her in the crowd. She was heading to the front doors, and I’d be damned if I didn’t get her name. A blue light blinked in my peripheral vision, and I turned to look at it. A white cell phone had been left behind on the pew exactly where she had been sitting. Maybe God was listening… I offered him silent gratitude as I leaned over, grabbed the phone, and made my way through the crowd. A few people I recognized nodded their heads as I squeezed by them, and damn it, Mrs. Bradley was right in front of me. That woman. Ever since my mother passed, you’d have thought it was her sworn duty to nag me every Sunday. I inched past her and gripped the white cell phone tightly in my hand as I overheard her gossiping to Mr. Kirk. I made eye contact with him, and I might’ve smiled at the vacant look in his eyes and my good fortune that the old bat had his attention today and not mine. The crowd finally thinned as they spilled through the cathedral doors, but as I scanned the sidewalk, I didn’t see her. Hope crashed and burned inside my stomach, and I expelled a long sigh I didn’t realize I had been holding. It wasn’t until the cool fall air filtered past my lips that I realized I was out of breath and out of options. She was gone. I looked down at the phone in my hand and swiped my thumb along the glass screen. Locked, and it needed some secret password I didn’t know to open it. Maybe it wasn’t even her phone. Maybe it was the young kid’s who had been sitting next to her with his mom. Fuck. I hated that I just swore not even ten minutes after I’d kneeled before God, took communion, and prayed to be a better man. I inhaled another breath and found comfort in the smell of dead leaves. The sun was hiding behind gray clouds and the damp, electric air wet my lungs with possibility. There was always next Sunday. I headed back into the church and found Michael was still lingering. He was one of the altar boys and had lived three houses down from my mother. I’d made him promise to get the phone to lost and found. He looked a bit scared actually, and I chuckled as he walked away a little quicker than I thought was normal. I was a big guy, and I could summon a little intensity just like Liam could, but I’d known Michael since he was five. I knew most of the people who attended here. I volunteered, and sometimes came to Mass during the week, in addition to Sundays, as well as confession every Wednesday. This congregation was just as much my family as my brothers and everyone at Avenues. Who was she? I scanned the empty church and stopped myself from thinking about how one look

from a beautiful stranger had me twisted up in knots. I couldn’t get the memory of her silky skin out of my head. My life had always been straightforward, never easy, but always good. Despite my father’s alcohol addiction, and the struggle my brothers and I had gone through because of it, we all seemed to come out okay on the other end. Losing Mom was the hardest loss I’ve had to deal with. Sure, helping Liam make sure Declan was always safe was a challenge, but I had to consider myself lucky. I was lonely, but I was finding my own way, and if our roads crossed again, so be it. I ran my hand through my hair and then loosened my tie as I walked through the doors and back onto the sidewalk. Large drops of rain painted the concrete, and the freezing water trickled down my neck as I ran to my truck. I unlocked the driver side door and slid in. I didn’t hesitate to start the engine and flip on the heater. I rubbed my hands against the fabric of my dress pants. They’d gotten a little wet from the rain, and then pulled my phone from my glove box. I sent Liam a quick text that I was headed to the apartment to change, and that I’d be a little late for the gym. He’d most likely give me a ration of shit, Declan would tell him to stop being an asshole, and then we’d lift. Today was leg day, though, and they hated that I could press more than they could. A cocky grin split my face as I pulled slowly into traffic. They might be a step in front of me in life, but at least I had leg day. Petty as hell, but I was the baby in the family, so I’d learned to hold onto to my wins and wave them in my big brothers’ faces whenever I could.

“Why are you being such a bitch today?” Liam growled as he removed one of the weights from the leg press and sat down. I wiped the back of my neck with a towel and raised my gaze to Declan. He shrugged and I chuckled. “I’m pretty sure I’m not the bitch in this scenario. Do you need me to remove another plate, or do you think you can handle five hundred pounds?” My lips twitched as Liam’s jaw flexed. My jab would’ve been uncharacteristic anywhere else, I was always the brother who tried to mend all the fences, but in here, inside the weight room, all bets were off. Declan openly laughed, and Liam shook his head as he growled, “You guys are assholes.” My head fell back as I barked out another laugh. “I’m thinking that title was taken the day you were born.” “Fuck off,” Liam said trying to infuse as much anger as possible, but the slight smirk he’d been trying to hide finally broke through. “How was church?” he asked as he started his set. I sat down on the bench to the right of the leg press and rested my elbows on my knees

as I leaned forward. “Good,” I hesitated as I remembered her mouth, and those plump lips flashed behind my eyes. “Good?” Declan keyed into my tone, and pushed off the machine he’d been leaning against. He narrowed his eyes as he approached me. “You haven’t really been in to church for a while, is it because of—” “Mom? No.” And yes. “Then what?” Liam grunted as he pushed through his last rep. I couldn’t understand why the woman from this morning had affected me so much. Lack of sex, hormones, shit, Liam was right. I needed to get laid. I’d never admit that to him, or Declan, though. “Yeah, maybe it’s Mom. But I’m figuring things out. You guys have your life, and I’m just looking to see where I fit in, I guess.” Liam sat up and turned to face me. His lips in a flat line. “Fit? Fuck, Kieran, you’re our brother, you’re part of our lives.” I exhaled an annoyed breath. Here we go. “You have a place at Avenues, you basically run that shit, the shop depends on you. You’re smart, the only one of us with an education beyond fucking high school. And—” “Leave it for once, all right?” I stood and threw my towel onto the bench. Liam’s nostrils flared as he stood and Declan rolled his eyes. “Every time.” Declan gave us both a smirk. “If it’s not me and you…” He pointed at Liam. “It’s you and Kieran… can’t we just fucking work out?” Liam ignored him. “What’s so shitty about your life, little brother?” I didn’t answer. I wasn’t going to argue with him. Liam always knew who he was, what he wanted. He didn’t get it. “You’ve lived a charmed life. You have your own place, a job, a damn good job.” “Liam, let up—” Liam held up his hand, cutting Declan off as he stepped closer to me. The tension in my shoulders stretched and was ready to snap. For the first time in my life, I wanted to punch him. Anger curled my fists as he closed the distance between us. “You want to be a priest, go be a fucking priest. Do something! Stop blaming us for holding you back.” “Blaming you?” He was clueless. “I don’t blame you, I envy you. I want what you have, what Declan has. Damn it, Liam, I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do!” “Okay.” Declan’s voice was calm as he stepped in next to us. “It may be a Sunday, and there aren’t many people here, but the few who are, are looking at us like we’re dicks, so can you both chill the fuck out.” Liam grit his teeth and took a step back, running his hand through his hair. “Do whatever you want. Be whoever you want. Fuck whoever you want, but for Christ’s sake,

just do it already. You’re still that scared little kid, Kieran, watching as the world falls down around you, and you’re gonna fall in, and it’s gonna hurt, but you’ll see that after a while, it just feels good to feel.” My throat ached with each shallow breath. Declan placed his hand on my shoulder and I locked my eyes on Liam’s. “What if I don’t know what I want, or who I am?” “You’re Kieran fucking O’Connell, and he’s a damn good kid.” A shuddered breath loosened my chest. “I never blamed you or Declan. I blame myself…” I swallowed down my pride. “I blame myself, Liam, for letting Mom down. I was supposed to go to seminary, and she was so proud, and then it never happened.” “She knew that you gave it up for her.” Declan’s voice was gravel, and when I turned to face him, his eyes shined. “And I know you did that for me.” The pain in my chest eased completely, and I clapped my hand on his shoulder. “I did it for myself. I’d let the idea run wild enough, and hid behind it. I don’t think I would’ve ever gone to seminary. It had nothing to do with you.” He shouldn’t feel guilty, none of us should, we did what we had to do, and we’d all do it again in a heartbeat. It was who we were. Declan’s hand fell from my shoulder and, as I dropped my hold on his, he said, “You’re not alone.” My throat closed off entirely. Leave it to Declan to hit the nail on the head. Liam’s gaze had lost its hard edge as I turned to look at him. “You’re not. We’re always here, little brother.” Liam’s face lit with a smirk. “Where the fuck else do we have to go?” I wanted the mood to change. I didn’t want feel like shit. So I didn’t say what I was thinking. That they had their own families, and I refused to let them cater to me anymore. I wanted to be a man like Liam and have a soul like Declan’s. I was holding myself back, holding myself at a standard that was unrealistic. My lips spread into a smile as I let the revelation soak in. I wasn’t them and I’d never be. And maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. “For one, you could go to the gym more. I think Kelly’s making you soft. Isn’t that what you told Declan when he got back with Paige?” My laugh was genuine as Declan’s shoulders shook with humor. “You have no clue, you wait until you get a girl. It’s a fucking full-time job.” Liam’s posture relaxed, the heavy discussion put on ice for now. “I’d take the job. Kelly’s worth it.” I goaded him and he took the bait. “You don’t know shit. Once you finally get laid, then come talk to me.” Declan chuckled as he lifted a plate and placed it onto the machine. “I met a girl today.” My brothers’ laughter went silent.

“I mean, I didn’t get her name, but she was hot.” “A hot girl… at church?” Liam seemed skeptical. “Yes, church.” “Huh.” Declan gave me a smile as he took his turn on the press. “Why didn’t you get her name?” Liam asked as his brow line dipped into the shape of a V. “I shook her hand during the Sign of Peace. But she left before I could talk to her.” “You should’ve got her name.” Liam looked more disappointed than I felt. “There’s always next week,” I assured him. But what if lightning really didn’t strike twice? What if it was a fluke? There was no denying how her eyes had stopped the world, if even for a few seconds, or how good her skin felt against mine, or that smile she’d given me. The tips of my fingers tingled as I thought about touching her again. Again? I’d never wanted “again” with anyone. I leaned my head against the wall and let Declan and Liam’s voices fade into the background. She’d been at church this morning for a reason. And for this second, I’d let myself be selfish and pretend she’d been placed there just for me.

“All the world ends here, in my room beneath the sky.” Hayley Stumbo~



“What ever happened with Tris?” Ronnie asked as she leaned against the front of the reception desk. Ronnie had filed her long nails to a point and painted them black. She picked a piece of paper apart as she chewed on the silver hoop that adorned the middle of her bottom lip. “Your nails are scary,” I said and she smirked. She lifted her gray eyes and they shimmered with humor. “That’s the point.” Ronnie sprinkled the tiny torn pieces of paper all over my appointment book and giggled. “You’re a child, you know that, right?” I couldn’t hide my smile as I scooped the fake paper snow into my hand and then threw it into the garbage can under my desk. Ronnie leaned back and snickered. She was a beautiful girl. Tall with a pin-up girl appeal. Her ink was more impressive than Kemper’s, and her long hair was always done in some crazy color. But she liked women just as much as the rest of us guys in the shop. “Tris?” She pushed for information and I blew out a laugh. “You should’ve been a cop instead of a tattoo artist.” “It’s a simple question. Did you bang her?” I coughed out a laugh. “No, I didn’t bang her.” “I would’ve banged her.” “You bang everyone.”

Ronnie frowned dramatically and I chuckled. “The truth hurts,” she said in a sappy, sad voice. “You coming to Liam’s party tonight?” I asked and watched as she waved all ten of her black, talon-like nails in front of my face. “Liam’s throwing a party, of course, I’m going. It’s like the second coming. He never throws parties.” “Kelly’s throwing it and it’s just us and the rest of the family. Not much of a party.” Her red lips dipped down at the corners. “Just Avenues staff and your family?” She rolled her eyes. “That’s not a party.” I stood and shut the appointment book. “Don’t you have a station to clean, or some slutty female to bang?” I raised my eyebrows. She laughed and her smile reached her eyes. “I love it when you’re a sass mouth. It’s like a baby version of Liam, but better looking.” “Thanks,” I said in the most “sass mouth” tone I could muster for her. Ronnie was fun to banter with, but it wasn’t enough to ease my mind. I wasn’t looking forward to tonight. Kelly said one of her friends from her old job at Lifeline was going to be at the party. She’d hired her on at Irene’s and she wanted me to meet her. She’d said, “She’s single, and I think she volunteers at your church.” I’d replied, “My church? No hot girls go to my church.” The girl I’d seen in Mass a couple of Sundays ago hadn’t shown her face again, and I didn’t like how frustrated that made me feel. Maybe she’d only been in town temporarily, visiting with family. Regardless, Kelly’s approval of her friend from work sort of helped my dejected thoughts. I didn’t think Kelly would try to hook me up with someone she didn’t deem worthy. Kemper’s attempt at setting me up with Tris had turned into a joke. That girl was way too easy, and I’d ended up going home from the bar that night alone. It was sentimental, and maybe I was boring as hell, but after I’d kissed her outside of Bellows that night, I was done. Her mouth had been too wet and tasted bitter with a dash of desperate. “I’ll see you at nine-thirty even though I’m sure it’ll be totally lame, and Liam will be bitching about something.” My laugh vibrated through my shoulders. “Are you dressing up?” She waved her hand up and then down her body. She was mostly skinny with fake tits, and the shirts she wore were always low enough to put them on display. “I think I shall come as myself. I’m pretty awesome.” I nodded my head, my lips pulling into a sideways smile. “See you there.” I pulled the money from the till, shoved it into a cloth, bank envelope, and zipped it shut. I grabbed the shop keys from the desk drawer and walked to the front waiting area to switch off the open sign. After the door was locked, I made my way to the back of the shop and dropped the money into the safe. Mostly everyone was gone for the night.

Kemper had today off, and a few of the other guys were still cleaning up. Liam had hired on a couple of dudes from the shop that had closed down a few blocks away. We’d fired Bart a while ago. He was the guy who had been hired to help me, but he wasn’t good with keeping the books, and I think at some point he started skimming off the register. My view of the world was small. I’d never known more than Salt Lake, my family, and church. It was naïve of me, but I still held most people in high regard. I wanted to think the best of people. Not everyone had it good, but that didn’t mean they were bad. Liam wouldn’t agree, and I’m pretty sure if he ever saw Bart again he’d end up in jail for assault and battery. “Hey, Asher… Liam gave you the keys to lock up tonight?” I asked as I paused outside his station. He pulled a white earbud from his ear. “What?” “You cool to lock up?” “Yeah, almost finished. I’ll see you at Liam’s?” “I’ll be there.” He nodded and pushed the earbud back in. I waved to Ronnie as I headed to the rear door, and the cat-like smile she gave me made me shake my head with a laugh. The dry, iced air was like shards of glass in my lungs as I ran up the stairs to my apartment. Halloween in Utah as a kid sucked. You’d get this badass costume and then freeze your ass off all night. Tonight was no different than any other Halloween except I wasn’t going to Liam’s in a costume. The apartment was warm when I walked in, and I was grateful I hadn’t switched off the heat this morning to save money. I turned on the kitchen light and grabbed a beer from the fridge. I twisted off the cap and took a long swig from the bottle. The sweet flavor of citrus covered my lips and tongue. A local brewery down the street carried all my favorites, including this one, but the aftertaste was always bitter. I set the bottle on the counter and stared at it. Sometimes I wondered how my father had let something so insignificant rule his life. Declan didn’t drink because of his meds, but I drank, Liam drank, and we never let it control us. I could wager that maybe it was because we knew the monster that lived inside the bottle, so we kept it on a short leash, but I often, more often than not, figured my father was just sick. Addiction. Loss of control. They were two concepts I never wanted to know personally. It was why sex scared me. Giving someone that much control over you wasn’t something I wanted to risk. It was always easier to stand on the sidelines and never get into the game. I’d never found anyone I trusted enough, knew enough, to give everything I had to. I knew what it was like to come. That high, that tight feeling in your gut, the twist and burn of all your muscles, the stiff stretch of your jaw, and that one pure, divine moment—release—peace. I’ve jacked off enough to know how good it feels to let go, to have that thirty seconds of nothing but a pleasure buzz. My stomach rolled. Shame

It was my ghost. My guilt drove me crazy. It was one of the main reasons I was struggling with my faith. Why would God deny me that moment of peace? Did all faithful men only have sex with their wives and never touch themselves? I didn’t believe it. Why couldn’t I love God, and feel human at the same time? I opened my eyes and stuffed my hands in my pockets as I walked to my desk in the living room. I flipped through one of my notebooks and opened it to the page marked with the date I’d seen my mystery woman in church. I hadn’t written anything worth shit since Mom died, but after that day, I’d found a muse. My fingers trailed over the soft paper and ink as I read my own words. Your mouth is a mystery with its dips and curves, licked sweet by your tongue. My own ponders the taste. Soft or rough? Languid or greedy? Deny me or give me the world in gentle kisses, and heated bites. Your teasing lines shake my foundation, press against me, giving the truth I crave. In your scent, where home could be a holiday, and your touch, could give me the sun. I stared at the paper and read the words again out loud. It was always an out-of-body experience reading your own words, hearing them aloud. It was as if those words had never belonged to me, and the handwriting was a lie. Who was the man inside of me with the pencil, and where was he now? I flipped the book shut and pulled my phone from my back pocket. Me: I’m not wearing a costume. It didn’t take long for her to reply. Kelly: Good, because she isn’t either. Shit, this was really happening. Me: Does she have a name? Kelly: Melissa, but she likes to be called Mel. Mel… Kelly: Don’t be nervous. I chose to ignore that text. I was tired of being babied. Me: Need me to get anything? Kelly: Just bring your own beer. Liam is being stingy with his, apparently. I laughed, and the sound of it filled the empty apartment.

Me: See you around nine-thirty Kelly: You won’t be sorry. She sent a wink emoji, and I rubbed my forehead with my free hand as I threw my phone onto the desk with a long sigh. I shouldn’t have agreed to this. I wanted to meet someone I liked, take them to dinner, or maybe just drinks, kiss them goodnight, make out, see movies, and fuck like everyone else. A natural progression. I’d had a glimpse of that perfection in the woman from church, only to never see it again. Shit. No one was perfect, and I didn’t even know the damn woman anyway. I made everything too difficult. I should’ve gotten laid in high school, met a girl in college, married her, and popped out a few kids. Mom would’ve liked that, maybe more than me becoming a priest. “What do you want?” Mom asked as I sat on the couch beside her. “For you to be happy,” I answered. “Everything you do makes me happy,” she said and ruffled my hair. Back then, my fourteen-year-old mind had misconstrued what she’d said. I’d always thought her happiness was linked to my idea of maybe becoming a priest. But that wasn’t what she was saying at all. I’d made her happy. Just me, not my choices, not my grades, just Kieran. My throat narrowed and my eyes burned. I opened my desk drawer and removed my mother’s rosary. I lifted it to my lips and whispered, “Thank you.” I made the sign of the cross as I held the crucifix. I kneeled down next to the desk chair. The cold of the hardwood seeped into my knees past the thick fabric of my jeans as I murmured, “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.” I continued with the Apostle’s Creed, knowing I would finish the rosary before I let myself get ready for the night. But as I said the familiar prayers, it wasn’t God whom I felt close to, it was my mother. I had faith in more than the written words and doctrine of my church. I had faith that God would forgive me of my sins. That He would let me be human, be a man, and that even if I didn’t think I deserved it, after breaking the commandments I knew I would eventually break, the ones I’d already broken, He’d still let me see my mother again one day.



The dress was too damn short, and as I pulled at the hem with my fingertips, Maria giggled. “Stop. You look really cute, Mel.” “It’s too short.” My lips pressed together as my fingers tried desperately to find a little bit more fabric to hide my knees. Maria cocked her sculpted brow. “Since when did you start caring about how much skin you show?” Maria was joking, of course. I’d never been modest. I liked to feel unconfined, but I couldn’t help the shame that bubbled through my chest. My face must have fallen because Maria’s posture straightened, and her smile turned from jovial to placating. “You know what I mean, Mel. I’d never bring up—” “That I used to be a stripper.” I turned to look in the mirror, avoiding her eyes. Maria had a way of making me feel small despite all the things she’d done for me. “You used to be a lot of things,” she said as she stood behind me and pulled my hair up with her hands. She watched me as she twisted the strands this way and that, deciding if it should stay up or down. She dropped my thick, black waves and let them fall over my shoulders. “But, that was five years ago.” I fixed my eyes on hers in the mirror. Five years was nothing compared to all the years I used drugs. “Go to the party. Have fun, meet a guy, and let go a little.” “Fun,” I whispered as I drifted my fingertips down the front of the dress. “I’ve had enough fun to last a lifetime, Maria.” She tipped her head to the side, and her smile warmed the chocolate specks in her dark eyes. “The past is the past is the past. You’re clean, you’re working. Five years, Mel…

That’s something to celebrate. Be proud of who you’ve become.” She tugged on a strand of my hair. “And besides, you look hot as fuck in that dress.” I choked out a laugh. “Come with me? Mom can watch JoJo.” After all, she was single, too. “You’ve been divorced for a year, when was the last time—” “I’m not ready.” Her smile dipped, but I’d only noticed because I knew Maria, and I knew how well she hid her loneliness behind that giant wall of pride. She stepped out from behind me and grabbed her black clutch from the dresser. “But you… in this dress, if you don’t get at least one phone number, I’ll know I’ll be single forever.” She handed me the clutch, and I looked at myself one more time in the mirror. The dress hugged every curve. The black material was too light for fall. My tan skin was exposed along my shoulders. The thin straps and open back made it impossible to wear a bra. I felt more vulnerable in this dress than I ever did on stage in nothing but pasties and a G-string. When you’re dancing for money there’s no hiding who you are. This dress was for a girl who was pushing limits for the first time, trying to seem sexy when she was nothing more than wholesome. My pouty, pink lipstick, my painted eyes—it was completely fake. But, as usual, my fear was that someone would see through the decorative mock up, straight down to the ugly history, the truth no borrowed dress could ever cover up. “You look scared.” Maria laughed quietly as I turned to her. “Stop worrying. You’ll be fine. If something triggers you, leave, come straight over here, and we’ll watch a movie while we eat our emotions.” She was making sense. I could leave whenever I wanted. I didn’t have to drink. I’d make conversation, meet the guy Kelly wanted me to meet, and then head home, or back here. An early night didn’t mean I wasn’t trying to move on, or be normal. It meant I was testing the waters like I always did, making sure I was truly clean, making sure no temptation could pull me back under. “The movie sounds better than this party.” She pursed her lips. “Open invite. Call me if you need anything.” “Thanks for letting me borrow the dress.” “The cardigan is on the bed.” I scooped the sweater into my hand and pulled it on. The armor it provided felt weak —if anything—I felt even less like myself. “I should’ve never allowed you to talk me into a dress. Jeans and t-shirts are like my comfort foods.” I gave Maria a small smile. “If I don’t see you tonight, I’ll drop the dress by tomorrow?” “Just keep it, bring it to the restaurant on Wednesday.” We made our way out of the bedroom and into the family room. JoJo was sitting on the couch with candy wrappers strewn around him, the television turned up, and his eyes fixed on the video game Maria had put on for him when we got back from trick-or-treating. The grin on my face expanded past what I normally allowed. Acknowledging the truth of who he was to me would only make it harder to walk away from him every day. He looked just like me except for those light eyes.

“Thanks for letting me go trick-or-treating with you guys.” “It was nice to not have to do it alone.” Maria’s fragile mask started to crack as her eyes glittered. “He never deserved you,” I said as she nodded, wiping her fingers under her eyes with a watery smile. “How could he just shut us out like that, after everything? Jordan is his son…you think he’d want to—” She caught herself and the guilt that flashed across her eyes ignited my own. “I mean—” “He should’ve been the one here today, not me.” I saved her from apologizing. Jordan wasn’t my son. We shared blood, but I wasn’t his mother. I had many titles over the years. Daughter. Drop out. Addict. Thief. Stripper. Whore. But mother, it wasn’t in my vocabulary, and I would never deserve the title, at least not when it came to JoJo. “I’m getting used to not having him around.” She shrugged, pretending she was fine, dropping that mask firmly in place again. “I hope he’s happy with her, they both deserve each other.” My sister’s ex-husband, Dean, left a little over a year ago to start a new life with his office manager. I never liked Dean, but he’d always made Maria so happy. Charming fuck that he was, had her fooled, but I was good at sniffing out the worst in people, and he’d stunk to high heaven the first time I’d met him. But, I was handing over my baby at the time, and Maria had acted like life couldn’t get better, so I’d brushed it off as postpregnancy hormones. I trust my instincts better now and, if anything, it helps keep me aware, alive, and away from the lure of what haunted me every day. “Finally, something we can agree on,” I teased and she laughed. “I wish I had some good advice, but shit, I’m me.” Maria laughed even harder and JoJo’s attention was won. He yawned as he paused the game and set the controller on the coffee table. “I know, you don’t even need to say it,” he grumbled and stood from the couch. “What?” Maria asked with a tone that suggested she knew exactly what. “Brush my teeth, jammies, and bed.” He checked off each word with an annoyed bob of the head, and even though I had to press my lips together to stop myself from laughing, my smile showed through. Jordan gave me a hug. “You look pretty, Aunt Mel.” “Thanks, kid.” I leaned down and whispered into his ear, “Don’t give your mom a hard time, okay? She loves you too much to tell you it hurts her feelings when you’re salty with her.” When I pulled away, his mouth had twisted up on one side, and his nose crinkled as he smiled. “Thanks for coming trick-or-treating with us,” he said, and I ruffled his hair. “You’ll be too cool next year to want us old ladies around, so it was my pleasure, and

besides, you make one hell of a Spider-Man.” His cheeks flushed and his eyes darted to his mom. “I think that’s a curse word.” Maria laughed and said, “Not really, it’s just an awful place little boys go if they don’t brush their teeth.” She put her hand on her hip and he stood straight, giving her a goofy smile before running toward the bathroom. “Parent of the year right here.” My heart felt heavy, saturated with too much warmth, and the breath I was supposed to take got stuck in my throat. She was parent of the year. Maria took Jordan in as her own, gave him something I never could. A home. I owed her so much, but somehow, I wished things had been different and Jordan could’ve been mine. “I better get going.” I held up the clutch she gave me as I grabbed my bag off the coffee table. “I’m serious, Mel. Have some fun and I’ll live vicariously through you.” “Yeah, yeah.” I submitted with a grin. The same grin that hid what I was really thinking. I’ll have fun at the party, but today, while Jordan ran up to each door for candy, I’d finally admitted to myself that I had been living vicariously through her.

The muffled sound of music drifted through the hall, and I figured knocking on the door marked 4B, as dictated in Kelly’s instructions, wouldn’t grab anyone’s attention inside. I slipped my sweater off, folded it over my arm, and stared at the door. I’d transferred a few essentials from my bag into the clutch I was gripping in my hand, but nothing could take the edge off this goddamn anxiety. Everyone inside was a stranger except for Kelly. I’d met her husband a few times, but that was it. I hadn’t officially started at Irene’s yet because Starlee ended up in rehab. My boss at The Western needed me to stick around until he hired a replacement. I’d only trained a couple of days with Kelly, helped paint and clean, but between the bar, my dad’s restaurant, Lifeline, and now this new job, something had to give. I said goodbye to everyone at Lifeline a week ago. The song changed, and I realized I’d been waiting out here too long. I felt totally out of place, but I tried the door handle anyway. I was here. In a dress, and I might as well dive into the fucking deep end. Recovery wasn’t about self-preservation, it was about finding the will to live. The door opened and the music filled the dead space inside my chest. My heart matched the beat of the bass as I shut the door behind me. Kelly’s place was huge and open, and the soft gray color of the carpet and furniture eased my nerves. Splashes of purple sat on the couches in the form of throw pillows. White sheers had been pulled to the side leaving the floor-to-ceiling windows on display, framing the city and its lights beyond. There were a few people scattered around, no one really noticing the new chick walking in. Most of the people here were covered in tattoos and, I noticed, mostly male. My anxiety began to crest again but, as I allowed myself a few more steps, I saw Kelly in the kitchen opening a beer. Her husband Liam’s smile was megawatt as he leaned down

and kissed her lips, taking the bottle from her hands. The moment was too sweet. It wasn’t meant to have an audience, so I looked away. A few guys nodded their heads at me as I walked by, and I exhaled a nervous breath. There were some people who loved attention, loved to talk, meet new adventures head on… that wasn’t me. Well, not anymore, and not without the assistance of some mindnumbing substance. I’d always been a wallflower until I’d met Chance. He’d stolen me from the waiting line and made me feel invincible. He’d shown me the world through an opiate-fogged telescope, and I’d forgotten how scary and small it had always been. “Hey.” A girl with sharp, black nails, and red-tinted lips waved at me. “I don’t know you.” Her abrupt hello should have put me off, but her smile was real, and I couldn’t help gravitating toward people who weren’t fake as fuck. It’s why I liked Kelly. She wasn’t afraid of who she’d become and wore it out in the open as a fuck you to those who would dare to stare at the girl with scars on her face. This girl in front of me was sucked into a red velvet corset, leather mini skirt, and covered head to toe in ink. I respected that kind of bravery. “You made it, I thought for sure you weren’t going to show.” Kelly’s voice eased the tight ties in my stomach. I was glad my sweater was draped over my left arm veiling the vice grip I held on my purse. “This is Ronnie. She works at Avenues.” Ronnie picked at her nails. “And you are?” she asked, but not rudely, more like she was flirting… “Mel. I work with, well, I’ll be working with Kelly at Irene’s.” “Nice to meet you.” She held out her hand, and I shook it with my right. Kelly laughed and I furrowed my brow. “You’re never this nice, Ronnie.” “Well, she’s hot,” Ronnie said as she dropped my hand. Her smile took on a whole new predatory gleam. Kelly whispered, as if Ronnie couldn’t hear, “She’s a little aggressive, but what can you expect, she’s the only girl who works at Avenues. Working with all those guys has to be hard.” “Whatever, I run that place.” Ronnie’s shoulders straightened and her eyes found mine. If I wasn’t flattered I’d feel a little naked by the way her eyes slithered over my body. “No, you fucking don’t.” Liam’s low timbre was almost a growl as he wrapped his arm around Kelly. Ronnie’s eyes flicked to Liam’s and promised murder as they lowered into slits. “You always have to swoop in and ruin shit.” “She’s here to meet my brother.” Liam smirked when Ronnie’s smile dimmed, and the twists and knots returned to my stomach. Of course, he would know. Kelly was his wife and Kieran was his brother. I shouldn’t feel surprised, but I did, and a little nauseous.

Ronnie’s crestfallen expression brightened as her eyes trained on the door. “Yeah… have fun with that,” she said with enough sarcasm the butterflies in my stomach died on the spot. “Have fun with that.” What the hell did that mean? Ronnie gave me a sad smile and a wave of her talons as she turned and walked away. “Why do I allow her to work at Avenues?” Liam’s jaw muscle feathered under the skin. Kelly laughed. “Because you love her like a sister.” “Love who like a sister?” A deep voice, somewhat familiar, drew my attention away from Kelly. Our eyes met and the smell of incense, fresh soap, and cologne flooded the space between us. His clear, blue eyes widened briefly, before they dusted across my cheeks, lingering on my mouth. My heart leapt into my throat as those deep blues eventually settled on my gaze. It was him… Just a couple of weeks ago, I’d chosen to go to a different Mass at St. Ann’s. I was tired of always attending with my parents. He’d been sitting in front of me the whole time and, even though I should’ve been paying attention to the priest, his soapy smell had mixed with the incense smell of the church, and I swore it was the sexiest thing I’d ever inhaled. He was tall with big, broad shoulders and, that day, his white dress shirt spread across the muscles of his back like it was made just for him. When he offered me the Sign of Peace, and his skin had touched mine, it was juvenile, but I didn’t like how the sensation of it made me feel reckless. Like I was sixteen all over again, and this gorgeous guy was looking at me like I was something special. He should’ve dropped my hand, but he’d held onto it, and that reckless feeling had turned dangerously into something akin to hope, that maybe someone like him, a man who went to church, who had eyes with soul, could want a girl like me. I didn’t go back, choosing Spanish Mass with the folks instead. There was no point in entertaining any feelings or fantasy of someone like him. Once he’d gotten to know me, he’d figure out that the devil could stand right next to you in church and you’d never know it. Tonight, he was dangerous in his worn jeans and a white, long-sleeved, fitted thermal. Coarse-looking, dark hair framed his lips and was smattered along his jaw line and chin, a little longer than I remembered. His Adam’s apple bobbed and the room heated as we stared at each other. His lips parted, slowly easing into a grin that made my heart gallop and my cheeks flush with heat. “Kieran…” Kelly’s voice was fuzzy as the whoosh of my pulse clouded the sound around me. “You’re late.” Kieran. He kept his eyes locked on mine as he spoke, “You told me to bring my own beer, so I

stopped.” The heat in my cheeks poured down my spine, my arms, filling my stomach and then spilling down to my legs. Those blue eyes watched me combust, watched as if he knew the effect he was having on me. His full lips pulled wide, lifting a bit more on the left side as he handed his brother the beer without looking away from me. Kieran offered me his hand, and his voice pooled low in my belly as he said, “I’ve missed you at church.”

“I’m folded into fortune, so you can carry me with you for luck.” Hayley Stumbo~



The blush on her cheeks intensified as she slid her small hand into mine. The heat from her skin scorched my palm, and my smile skated past appropriate. I did my best to keep my eyes on hers. The dress she was wearing, all that caramel skin on display, she had unwrapped herself since that Sunday. The sexy, but modest get-up she had on the first time I’d seen her had peeled away to reveal sin with curves for miles. The dark pools of her eyes were ringed in amaretto as she assessed me. Neither of us said a word, and like last time, I held her hand too long. Kelly cleared her throat, and I released her hand as she asked us, “You guys know each other?” “Not technically,” I said. “I saw her at church a couple of weeks ago.” Kelly’s lips spread triumphantly across her face. Liam noticed it too as he shook his head with a small smile. His eyes met mine with a knowing stare that made me wonder if he’d figured out that this… this was the girl I’d told him about at the gym the other day. Her voice held sparks of victory. “This is Melissa. I used to work with her at Lifeline, but she’ll be working at Irene’s soon.” This was the chick she wanted to set me up with? I almost laughed. Almost. It was too cliché. Fate. Everything happens for a reason. But… maybe it was more than that. My smile tipped into a casual, lopsided grin as Kelly continued, “This is my brother-in-law, Kieran.” I wanted to take her hand in mine again, but I figured that would be weird, so I put on my best smile instead. “Nice to officially meet you.”

My eyes met hers and a flash of terror crossed over them as she took a step backward. “Good to meet you.” Melissa sucked on her bottom lip and the energy from earlier turned more anxious by the second. I wanted to salvage the mood. “Have you been attending St. Ann’s long?” She nodded. “I usually go to the Spanish service.” “You speak Spanish?” I asked, impressed. “Yup.” She dropped her eyes to the sweater that covered her arm and exhaled a shaky breath. “Let me take that for you,” Kelly offered as she darted her eyes to me and then Melissa. “I’ll put your things in my room.” Melissa handed her the sweater and her small purse. I took a private moment to admire that rich looking skin again. I bet it was just as soft as her hands, and I had the urge to run my thumb up her arm. “Liam, will you put these beers in the fridge?” Liam nodded and gave Melissa a small smirk. “Go easy on him.” For the second time in my life, I imagined what it would be like to clock my brother in his damn jaw. My throat contracted and my face heated as Melissa laughed. The mirthful moment fell flat as she looked at me and then toward the kitchen. Liam and Kelly were whispering to each other, no doubt about us, and I’d never been more embarrassed. This was why I liked to meet people on my own. But for all intents and purposes, I had met Melissa on my own. “This is awkward.” I thought maybe honesty could break the ice. Her cheeks filled with color again as she bit the side of her smile. “A little.” “Did you want a drink?” I nodded my chin toward the kitchen and caught Kemper’s eye. Tris was with him and Tana, and I prayed that they wouldn’t mess this up by coming over here. “I don’t drink,” she said very matter of fact. “Not even water?” Those dark eyes flickered with an underlying amber flame as they narrowed. “Smart ass.” I chuckled and her pink lips pulled into two spectacular dimples. “I’m the baby of the family, it’s a defense mechanism. Come on, I’ll get us some water.” I didn’t ask permission, or really even think about how forward it would seem, but I laced my fingers through hers, my heart hammering so loudly it nearly drowned out the music in the room. She hesitated for three agonizing seconds, but then curled her fingers through mine. Win number one. “You don’t have to drink water on my account,” she said, allowing her cute-as-hell irritation to slither through the syllables. “I came here to meet you, so I do what you do.” I shrugged and she dropped my hand.

“You didn’t come here to meet me, drink your beer,” she said, and I had a feeling my wins from here on out would be hard fought. She breezed past me into the kitchen, leaving me to admire the low cut of her dress, and how it exposed the majority of her back. I watched as the fabric shifted, revealing more of her tan, lean thighs with each sway of her hips. If she wasn’t so short the skirt of her dress would’ve ridden just below her ass. Melissa was a five foot, maybe five-foot-one hourglass. She paused by the granite countertop, and her cheeks flamed as she caught me staring. I took a few steps toward her, and her breathing shallowed. The distance between us became nothing more than an arm’s length wide. “I did,” I said as I slipped a piece of her hair behind her ear. Her eyes filled with apprehension. It was a risky move, but her personal bubble seemed to waver. She swallowed. “What?” “I came here to meet you.” She rolled her eyes and I laughed. “I’m serious. Kelly told me I had to meet you. And I’m not going to lie, I’m glad you are you.” Melissa’s fear faded as she huffed out a laugh. “What the hell does that mean?” “It means I was disappointed when that beautiful girl from church never showed up again.” Her head fell back, and the slope of her neck had my pulse chasing its own beat as she laughed openly. The sound of it was rough and alluring and the muscles in my stomach clenched as the blood in my body drained south. Her onyx eyes filled with fire as she mumbled, “Cabrón.” “Cabrón?” I lifted my eyebrows as her laugh sputtered. “And that means, what?” “It means that was a cheesy pick-up line.” She bit the side of her cheek, her dimples popping, and I couldn’t stop my smile if I tried. “One word means all of that?” I asked, a little doubtful, and Melissa’s face filled with light as she looked up at me. “It means you’re a dumbass.” I barked out a laugh and that barrier between us dissolved. “Well, I’m glad I made a good first impression.” I stepped past her toward the fridge, opened the door, and grabbed a beer and a bottle of water. I kicked the door shut and made my way back to her. She was still smiling, so I figured I hadn’t lost completely yet. I handed her the water and cracked open my beer as she thanked me. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, at least not to me, as I threw my bottle cap onto the counter and took a drink. I kept my eyes on her as she surveyed the room. She seemed out of place, and not in a bad way. Everyone here was covered in ink, piercings, and hair dye. She seemed pure in a room full of artifice. She had hardly any makeup on and her skin was a blank, honey-colored canvas as far as I could see. Her black hair fell down her shoulders in soft waves, and I had to grip the bottle in my hand in an attempt not to reach out and touch it, touch her. She was refreshing. “Hey.” Tris’s voice was a buzzkill. “I haven’t heard from you.”

I had no idea what to say. I never promised to call Tris, or anything else, for that matter. We’d kissed and that’d been the end of it. I only knew her number because she’d programmed it into my phone. I’d never asked for it. “Avenue’s has been really busy.” It wasn’t a lie. “I’m Mel.” Mel… “Shit, sorry. This is my friend, Tris. I work with her sister’s boyfriend.” They didn’t shake hands, and that not-so-uncomfortable silence became suddenly painful. I wasn’t a dick. If anything, I went out of my way on a daily basis to be mindful of people’s feelings. Working with Liam was like trying to shovel snow in a blizzard. His constant aggravation was a customer service nightmare, and I was always the one who ran in to rescue him. No, I wasn’t a dick, but I wanted Tris gone, and I tried not to feel guilty as I said, “It was good to see you, Tris.” I wrapped Melissa’s hand in mine, and she didn’t fight it. Liam and Kelly were talking to a few of the guys from the shop. Kemp and Tana were people watching from the couch, and I was sure I’d get an earful on Tuesday about why I hadn’t called Tris. My eyes drifted down to Melissa as I guided her into the living room. She was sucking on her bottom lip again, her free hand grasping the bottle of water like a life vest, and part of me sort of liked that I made her this nervous. “It’s too loud in here,” she said and looked up. Her smile pulled wide when she caught me watching her. Liam’s place was an open floor plan, not too many places to hide, except for one. Kelly kept all her blankets hidden in this cushioned bench that ran along the back wall. No one was sitting on it, and it was about as private and one-on-one as I was going to get. Melissa took a seat and let go of my hand. I denied the rush of disappointment I felt as I sat next to her. “Any less awkward yet?” I asked with a quiet chuckle. She smiled and shook her head. “Do you prefer Mel to Melissa?” “My friends and family call me Mel.” “What should I call you?” She sipped from her bottle of water. The condensation from my beer bottle wet my heated hands as I awaited her response. She set the water down as she raked her bottom lip through her teeth and my eyes fell to her mouth. I wanted to taste her lips, press my teeth into the soft flesh. “Mel is fine,” she whispered, pulling me from my impure thoughts, and then

swallowed deeply as she shifted her attention to the room. “I’m not good at this,” she admitted. “That makes two of us, then.” I gave her a lopsided grin and her shoulders relaxed as she leaned her head against the wall. “I don’t think that’s entirely true. You seem to have a fan club.” I followed her gaze and found Tris at the end of it. “Why didn’t you call her?” Melissa’s tone turned dark. “That’s such a shitty guy thing to do.” My smile fell. “You assume a lot.” She turned her head, and I watched as the accusation paled her features and turned them to stone. She laughed without humor. “Maybe, but I know enough.” Her judgment should’ve bothered me. But there was a desperation in her eyes, a small piece of night, pleading for me to tell her she was wrong. “You don’t know me at all,” I said, keeping my tone easy. “I don’t,” she confirmed. There was horror swimming behind her eyes, and I wanted to open her up, read her pages, discover what nightmares, what stories she had hidden behind her smile and that sexy dress. The room buzzed with conversation as our eyes challenged each other to go first. Ask me, her eyes said as they drifted to my lips. If lust was a sound it would crackle like firewood burning on a pyre. “Would you like to know me?” I asked. She cleared her throat and looked down at her knees. “What do you do at Avenues?” It wasn’t exactly a yes, but it was a start. I couldn’t hide my building smile. Win number two. “I run the front desk, keep the finances straight, and save Liam’s ass whenever he’s being a dick.” “It must be nice, though, getting as much ink as you want for free… my b— my friends have a lot of ink.” She peeled the paper off the bottle of water as I processed her little slip. Was she about to say boyfriend? I pushed up the sleeves of my shirt and showed her my arms, bare of ink. “I only have one tattoo.” She cocked her right brow. “One?” I nodded. “On my chest. But I can’t show you… I save the tattoo unveiling for at least date number three.” My cocky grin extended all the way to my ears as she laughed. “I like the sound of that. You have a good laugh.” “Are you always this honest?” she asked as she draped her right leg over her left and the seam of her dress lifted, exposing the majority of her thigh. If I knew her better I might’ve placed my hand there, felt the muscle underneath the silk of her skin, let the warmth seep into my palm until she leaned into my touch.

I didn’t miss her smile as I raised my gaze. “Most of the time. You?” “I’ve been known to be honest from time to time.” She smiled and it reached her eyes. The demons I’d seen earlier gone as that amber ring circled her irises once again. “When do you start at Irene’s?” “Not until after Thanksgiving, I think. My boss has to hire a new bartender, so I’m stuck there until he does.” “You work at a bar?” “Is that a problem?” Her relaxed posture vanished and I chuckled. “Why are you laughing?” she asked as humor parted her lips. “You remind me of Liam a little bit.” She shook her head, her cheeks brushed with a deep blush. “So, you’re saying I’m a dick?” She bit her lip again and, I swear, if we weren’t in a room full of people, I would’ve kissed her. She’d been teasing me with that damn mouth since I got here, and I’d been struggling with right and wrong a lot these days, but everything about her, even her attitude, seemed right. “You have attitude, I like it. My friend, Ronnie, says I’m a sass mouth.” She giggled and something inside my chest unfurled. Loose ribbons of heat pooled between us. “A sass mouth?” I nodded my head. “Yeah. Apparently, you’re right, I’m a smart ass.” “I’m always right.” She batted her eyelashes for show and giggled again. The sound of it put me at ease, made me feel at home, sitting next to her was natural, so I tempted the powers that be, and slid my hand in hers. “If you’re always right… tell me what I’m thinking right now.” I kept my voice low as I leaned in. It was the first deep breath I’d taken all night and my lungs filled with jasmine. “You think you’ve won me over.” She spoke, but the words trembled as I leaned back and trapped her with my stare. Like earlier, her skin lit in shades of pink and red, as if the deep tan of her flesh had been kissed by the sun. I let my eyes hold her gaze, wondering how long I could keep her captive. I wasn’t good at dating, my inexperience was a hindrance, a self-imposed handicap, but somehow I knew Melissa hadn’t been won tonight. “You’re wrong,” I said and squeezed her hand. “I was thinking about how you smell like jasmine and that you look sexy as fuck in this dress.” Melissa licked her lips and her disquiet faded into something else… something that made me feel bold. I held back my pride at the state she was in—flushed cheeks—eyes fixed on me. I was riding this wave, and I had no real clue what the hell I was going to do when it peaked. I was an amateur.

“What were you thinking?” I risked asking, but regardless of how she answered, my next question was queued and ready. “You’re confident, and… I think that’s sexy as fuck.” She gazed up at me from under her lashes and the air in my lungs stilled. I took a few, even breaths, steadying my heart rate. Confident… I never thought of myself that way, I’d always hidden behind sarcasm, using it as bravery, kept my head low, and held true to the commandments. When it came to women, confident was the last damn thing I was. What would she think of me if she knew the truth? That I was merely a student in her classroom. “Can I take you to dinner next week?” She chuckled. “See, I was right.” She bumped me with her shoulder, and I furrowed my brow. “You were thinking you won me over.” “You just said I was sexy.” “Doesn’t mean I want to have dinner with you.” She smirked, and I wanted to crash my mouth into hers, lick the seam of her lips and… All the years I’d denied myself, and this chick had me ready to pounce, and despite that need growing deep in my gut, I was scared. I released her hand and turned so I could see her at a better angle. “On a scale of one to cabrón, one meaning ‘yes, you’d love to have dinner with the sexy-as-fuck, confident guy you met tonight,’ or cabrón, meaning ‘hell no.’” “Your accent is terrible,” she teased. “I’m Irish.” I smiled. “Answer me.” She narrowed her eyes. “Please.” My smile spread across my face and her lips mirrored mine. “Three.” I laughed. “Three… is that a yes?” She held out her hand. “Give me your phone.” I reached into my pocket and did as she asked, maybe a little too eager, but who gives a shit. I was intrigued, beguiled, and as her thumb swept over the keyboard, I might’ve allowed myself to see beyond my own fear, to entertain the possibility that Melissa could be the one who’d made all that waiting… worth it. She gave me the phone, and I let my fingers dust along the soft skin of her hand as she pulled away. Her dimples were out in full force, and I filled my lungs with jasmine, the scent of hope, as she explained, “Three means… call me, and we’ll see.” Win number three.



The air was damp with the incoming storm, and the thin dress I’d worn to the party, not even the cardigan I had on, shielded me from the bite of wind as it whipped through the headstones stirring the masses of fallen leaves. There wasn’t a gravestone for him though, just a brass placard in the grass with Chance’s full name, date of birth, and date of death. My throat contracted painfully around that last word. Some people think it’s weird, creepy, to come to the cemetery at night, and I guess I was able to see their point, but seeing Chance’s name stamped in metal, in daylight, it never felt right. We’d belonged to midnight and the light of the moon had always made the earth less apparent below my feet. At night, it was easier to pretend he wasn’t really six feet under. I didn’t love Chance anymore. We hadn’t really loved each other for a long time before he’d died. It had been more about getting high and less about feelings. But I missed his company, his loyalty, even if it’d been a fucked-up chain, laced with poison that had kept us together all those years. “You still haunt me,” I whispered to the ground. My arms hugged my body as the first chilled drop of rain cut down my cheek. It was freezing, dark as hell, and way too late. It wouldn’t be honest if I’d said I didn’t really understand why I’d come here. It was the color of Kieran’s eyes that steered me here, and how that vibrant blue had faded along with his anticipation when I’d declined his offer to walk me to my car tonight. That same vibrant blue had been colored with expectation all night and, for a little while, I had relaxed in it. It had felt good to be wanted. But expectation came with hope, ideas, and when I’d decided to call it a night, his excitement drained from his irises. The only thing I could think of, at the time, was that I’d let him down already. Maria, as usual, had been right, and I’d let myself have fun. Even got his number. Kieran was a smart ass but not an asshole, he had confidence but wasn’t smug. He made

me laugh more, smile more tonight than I had in a very long time. I’d watched him interact with his brother, Kelly, his friends from Avenues, and he’d never once left my side. He’d introduced me to everyone, and I’d felt like his. A perilous and fleeting thought, but I’d entertained it, nevertheless. I stayed at the party longer than I’d thought I would, longer than I should’ve, and it was precisely the reason I was now sitting in the rain in the middle of the city cemetery. “I like him,” I said to the dirt and worms, my past decaying in the soil below my heels. “And I shouldn’t.” The wind scooped my hair into tendrils, and the rain, more like a mist, seeped through the thin material of my dress. My lips began to tremble as I squeezed myself even tighter. “I don’t need your permission. But I think about how we were, before everything. Those precious six months when we loved each other more than the drugs. He looked at me tonight like you used to. Like I was the only one in the room, like I’m still worth something.” My heart started to swell inside my chest, and I dipped my head and closed my eyes as I inhaled. “How do I move on? How do I say yes to the guy with beautiful blue eyes when I know all I’ll do is disappoint him?” I opened my eyes and held out my hand, catching a small pool of moisture in my palm. I stood there silent for a few minutes until I couldn’t feel my fingers. “I wish so many things had happened differently, Chance. I wish Jordan could’ve known us before the pills, the heroin. We were so fucking selfish. I wish for so many wrongs to be turned right, but that shit isn’t ever going to change, and I have to move on.” My words shivered and swarmed my spine. “I like him, Chance, and I wanted to say yes when he asked me to dinner.” But I didn’t deserve to say yes. The wind curled its icy fingers around my body and, for a split second, I thought I heard someone whisper, “You do.” My stomach dropped and I turned around. Nothing but hovering trees and gravestones. A nervous laugh quietly bubbled past my lips. I was soaked to the bone, possibly giving myself fucking hypothermia, all because a guy asked me to dinner. He’s not just a guy. The butterflies in my stomach whirred their wings. He was a good guy. It was easy as hell to see there wasn’t a speck of dirt on his soul. I’d met the devil and danced for his children. I could see through the glamour and the false bravado of men. I’d used it to get what I needed, used it to make myself feel necessary but, Kieran, he was the real deal. Something innocent and unsure hid beneath his warm smile, and I wanted to know more. “I don’t know where you are, and I try not to think about it because I’m sure I’ll be there with you some day. We’ve both had too many wrongs to merit anything more than a silent spot alone somewhere between here and hell. I’ve been good. Five years sober, but I still can’t seem to shake that underlying beast, his claws dug deep the day I met you. I haven’t visited in a while, and I’m sorry for that, but leaving you behind was the only way I was able to move forward, and I needed to move. I needed to get clean.” As clean as I could. I couldn’t help what I’d already done. There were stains I’d never be able to wash away. “I need to say goodbye.” I should’ve done it sooner, but I hadn’t been able to brave it. The finality of Chance,

my history, it suffocated me, but tonight I felt a spark of my former strength, and I wanted to keep it burning. The tips of my fingers had pruned under the weight of the rain. I leaned down and touched the carved metal plate as I lowered my head, closed my eyes, and murmured through the rain drops that trickled over my lips, “Padre nuestro, que estás en el cielo, santificado sea tu Nombre; venga a nosotros tu reino;hágase tu voluntad en la tierra como en el cielo. Danos hoy nuestro pan de cada día;perdona nuestras ofensas, como también nosotros perdonamos a los que nos ofenden;no nos dejes caer en la tentación, y líbranos del mal. Amén.” Chance didn’t deserve the Lord’s Prayer, he’d hurt me in ways that I’d never speak of but, then again, neither did I. Together, we’d made nightmares. All those foreign hands on my body still kept me up some nights, and even the thoughts of JoJo’s smile couldn’t chase away the black. I rose to my full height and left Chance to the beetles and loam. As I maneuvered around the gravesites on numb legs, I let myself think about Kieran’s smile, and how, for that sweet small moment, when he’d realized I was there to meet him, the blue of his eyes had illuminated into an ethereal flame. I let it warm my cold bones as I moved quickly to my car. Once I was safe inside, and the heat was turned up full blast, the image faded. I’d realized over the years, small doses of happiness are just as dangerous as my old vices. The notification light on my phone was blinking, and I reached across the console to grab it. My dress squeaked against the vinyl as I shifted, Maria was going to kill me. I’d just make sure to have it dry cleaned before I gave it back. A small giggle parted my lips when I opened my text messages. Cabrón: Feel free to wear that dress to church on Sunday. I laughed as I opened my contacts and started to replace the name he’d programmed, but then stopped. I liked the private joke, maybe too much. My front teeth pinned my lower lip into place as I replied. Me: I’m attending church with my folks, and I think my dad and Father Becker would have a heart attack if this dress came within a five-mile radius of the church. I think there’s a strict ‘No bra, No service’ policy. I hit send before I changed my mind. I reread my message three times. Cabrón: What would the neighbors think? I pressed my lips together, trying to suppress my growing smile. I shouldn’t be smiling. Not here. I was still parked in a graveyard, in a soggy dress, saying goodbye to the man who had helped me destroy myself. Me: Good night, smart ass. I placed my phone inside the drink holder and pulled out of the parking spot. It was a fast twenty-minute drive to my apartment, and I ignored the blinking blue light on my phone as I placed it inside my purse. I grabbed the clutch Maria let me borrow and my own bag as I exited my car. The parking garage wasn’t much warmer, but at least there was no wind. The stairwell was dingy with brown rainwater inching past the cracks in the foundation. This place was a piece of shit. I’d rented my studio apartment after I’d gotten

out of rehab, staying with my parents would’ve driven me back into drugs. The therapists had told me to lean on my mom and dad for support, but I couldn’t burden them any further. The shame in their eyes those first few months, they’d tried to hide it, but I’d been drug free and seeing clearly. There’d been no mistaking the fear and worry I’d caused them. I had to jiggle the handle and push up in order for the lock to click. My apartment door had never shut properly. I groaned as I shoved the door shut and turned on the lamp that sat on my bedside table. I tossed my things on the bed, and peeled the rain-laden sweater and dress from my body, laying it over the footboard. My skin puckered with goose bumps as I walked to the thermostat. I raised the heat well past what I could afford, threw my rain soaked underwear into my hamper, and jumped into the shower. The olive green tiles were chipped, and the tub floor had permanent streaks of gray that I couldn’t ever seem to get rid of no matter how much bleach I’d used. It didn’t take long for exhaustion to set in as the hot water turned my skin red. I hurried through the motions, not lingering too long. Once I was satisfied the ice had thoroughly thawed, I dried off, slipped into my favorite flannel pj bottoms, and old t-shirt, and sat on the edge of my bed. From this spot, I could see my whole apartment and all of its six hundred square feet. There was brown shag carpet, a galley kitchen, and sliding glass door that led to a small balcony—more like plank of wood and railing—with not even room for a chair. But hey, I could open the door when the weather was nice and it made the place feel less tiny. There was a small bookshelf filled with my favorites against the far wall. Scattered framed pictures of JoJo and my family hung just above it. I’d rather decorate with pictures of them than artwork from a stranger. My apartment was just like me, small and worn out. I stared at my purse, knowing there was a text from him waiting. I rifled through the bag and pulled out the phone. I exhaled a long breath as I took another glance around my apartment. I wanted to say yes to Kieran, dinner was nothing, it was food and conversation, and I told myself that little lie as I opened my lock screen. Cabrón: Good night she said, and I held onto the words hoping for a good morning. I read the text out loud a few more times, savoring the heat that covered my skin as I imagined his deep voice uttering each syllable. I didn’t reply. How could I reply to something like that? Instead, I set my things on the floor and got under the covers. I fell back into my pillows and let the butterflies loose in my belly as a huge grin plastered across my face. I read the text one more time before I placed my phone onto my bedside table. Good night she said, and I held onto the words hoping for a good morning. Tonight I wouldn’t dwell on things I couldn’t change. I’d close my eyes and pretend I deserved the words he’d sent, that I hadn’t deceived him, that maybe he’d still want me after he knew my sins. Tonight I’d close my eyes and dream about a man with blue eyes who smelled like incense and soap, that had lips that would taste as good as they looked, and that I never had to doubt that I belonged to someone.

“The core of a man’s spirit comes from new experiences.” Jon Krakauer~



“It won’t be easy,” Declan said for the third time since I’d arrived at his loft. “Stop worrying.” An impossible task for him. “Paige and I… we got this.” I leaned against the doorway to their master bedroom with my arms folded across my chest as he gathered a few articles of clothing and shoved them into his duffle bag. One of the babies cried, and from the high pitch of it, I knew it was Royal. Indie didn’t cry much, but when she did, it was usually soft and sad. Declan’s shoulders went rigid, and he dipped his head. He scrubbed his hand down his face and then slowly turned to me, anxiety etched around his furrowed brows. “We’ll be fine,” I repeated with a reassuring smile. His exhaled breath was a shot to my ego. I could handle two babies, besides, Paige was here to help. “It’s one night.” “The first night.” His light blue eyes, the ones that usually matched mine, went vacant, gray, and for a half second, I wondered if it was panic or his voices that had him wound so tight. “I’ve never left them for this long… overnight,” he whispered. “I’ll take care of them, this sale is huge. You guys need it.” I pushed off the frame of the door and took a few steps into the room. Declan watched me, his eyes gradually filling with life again. “I’ll be two hours away, if anything… if you need… if she—” “I’ll call you immediately.” I gripped his shoulder and chuckled. “It’s one night.” “You don’t get it.” Declan swallowed when he noticed the flash of hurt that shadowed my eyes.

I got it. I always got it. Declan suffered. His depression, his voices, his life—his day to day was a damn roller coaster. And leaving his children, and Paige, even if it was just for one night to sell some of his paintings, even if the money would set them up for the next six months, they were his safety net, better than any psych medication he could ever take. “Paige has been really low lately, the doctor said it was normal for the first two weeks, but Indie and Royal are five months old. I don’t know what to do, Kieran. I love her so much, and it fucking hurts to watch her go through this. She says the painting helps, and I can tell she’s getting better, but some days are harder than others, and I—” “Maybe this is good, big brother. You need a break just as much as she does, and I’ll do everything I can to help her tonight. In the morning, Kelly is coming over with Liam, we’ll watch the kids so Paige can go to lunch with her friend, Lana, right?” He nodded. “She gets a break, too… You guys tend to isolate,” I said with humor. “We’re here to help, always have been, always will be.” I squeezed his shoulder and then dropped my hold with a smile. “Thanks. Just make sure you take the night-time feedings. I made sure there’re enough bottles in the fridge, and she showed you how to use the bottle warmer?” He cocked his brow when I hesitated. Shit. Bottle warmer. Couldn’t be that hard. “Yeah, like I said, I got this.” His laugh was more doubtful than anything. “Every three to four hours, so just two feedings, that’s if they both sleep through the night. Paige needs to sleep, okay, please… just make sure she sleeps.” “Bottle warmer, two feedings, sleeping… shit, Declan, I can handle it.” “Is he stressing out again?” Paige asked from the doorway with a smile. My lips stretched in response. “When isn’t he stressed?” Declan exhaled an annoyed breath at my statement. Paige’s laugh was light as she floated into the bedroom. She had on a loose-fitting, long-sleeved dress made of an army green t-shirt-looking material. Paige’s light blonde hair was down, the color of the dress made the strands almost glow. She looked thinner than the last time I saw her, but she was still beautiful. Both of my brothers hit the jackpot when it came to their women, and I wondered if I’d receive the same luck. An image of Melissa in that black dress flashed inside my brain and my smile widened. Paige stood in front of Declan and wrapped her arms around his waist. He pulled her close and lowered his chin, leaning toward her. I felt a little uncomfortable. The way they watched each other was private, intimate, and, without being asked to leave, I took the hint and started for the door. Just as I was about to shut it, I heard Paige say, “I’m feeling better, Declan. I never wanted to make you worry, but I promise you, I’m almost myself again.” Declan sighed as if the relief of her words spilled from his lungs. Envy was a sin, but I coveted my brothers’ lives. The good times they had, the hard ones, and even the dark ones, I wanted it all. Every damn day, I coveted them, and I was tired of beating myself up about it. As I made my way to the open living area of the loft, I pulled my phone from my

pocket. It was time for me to take a leap, take a step forward regardless of how afraid I was of the fall. Me: I never got a good morning… I pressed send and slid my phone into my pocket, refusing to stare at it like a damn junkie. I didn’t know Melissa, but hell, I wanted to. After she’d left the party the other night, Kelly had told me that Mel could be closed off. Kelly had said that she “knew there was a story there” and that I “needed to be patient.” Melissa was the first girl since high school to really pique my interest. Patience wasn’t hard for me. Being a twenty-sevenyear-old virgin was like graduating from the University of Patience, and I was the valedictorian. I’d count as many breaths as I had to in order to get to know her better. I needed to believe that God doesn’t do anything by accident. I couldn’t shake the feeling I was meant to know her… in some capacity. The twins were in the living room lying on colorful mats with toys hanging over their heads. Indie was squeaking and Royal was crudely waving his little fists. “Hey there, my favorite peanut.” I kneeled down briefly to pick up Indie. I raised to my full height and held her up into the air with my hands. Her smile was small but bright as I dangled her a few inches above my head at an angle. She smiled down at me as I lowered her and sat on the couch curling her into my chest. I shouldn’t have a favorite of the twins, but since the day she was born, Indie had captured me. Wrapped me around her finger. Maybe it was because she was so quiet, like Declan. Silence was an art, and growing up in such a loud world, a little peace and quiet went a long way. My childhood home had never been quiet enough. Everyone thought because I was the baby, I hadn’t noticed the roar of tension. Liam and my father had always been a collision of sound. But Declan, he was just like Mom, ease personified, darkness and stars. I loved both of my brothers, and without each other, I don’t think we would’ve survived. But it was Declan’s ability to really see me, see through the very soul of a man that made him special, and little Indie was no different. “I think I can handle you,” I whispered and her fingers wrapped into the fabric of my shirt. “She’ll fall asleep, you know, and then she’ll be up all night.” Paige’s lips were sly as they reached her eyes. I lifted Indie into a sitting position, sat her on my knee, and replied with a smile, “I can’t help it that she always falls asleep when I hold her.” Declan eyed me as he lifted his bag over his shoulder. “You coddle her.” “She’s my favorite.” I shrugged. Paige laughed. “You’re horrible. You’ll give Royal a complex.” “Nah, Liam always buys him all that Harley crap, so someone has to give this poor peanut some attention.” I smirked. “She gets plenty,” Declan said as he walked toward me. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head before raising his eyes to mine. “Remember, let her sleep.” He spoke

softly so only I was able hear him. I nodded my head in silent agreement. Declan must have been satisfied by my response because he turned and kneeled onto the floor where Royal was playing. He scooped him up and stood, bringing his lips to Royal’s cheek. He squealed as Declan buried his beard-covered face in the crook of his neck with a growl. Paige’s gentle giggle lifted my lips into a smile as she approached them. Royal grabbed a fistful of his father’s beard, causing Declan to chuckle as he uncurled Royal’s fist and said, “I might need to shave my beard off, Royal’s hell bent on ripping it out.” Paige frowned. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.” She balked as she took Royal from Declan’s arms. “You better get going, and call me when you get there.” “I will.” Their lips met, and again I dropped my eyes briefly, but my smile held. Declan domesticated and happy was an interesting sight. Tattoo-covered arms and hands, paint-stained fingernails, from the outside you’d never know what a great father he was. What a great man he was to Paige. He’d told me shortly after the babies had been born that he didn’t want to push Paige, and that she’d told him marriage was something that belonged to her past life, that they shared something more powerful than any piece of paper. And watching them in this moment, smiles and warmth—it was as sacred as any Mass I had ever attend.

“So, Kelly said you met a girl?” Paige asked as she plopped down onto the barstool in the kitchen. Exhaustion written in the way her shoulders sagged. I shook my head. “No privacy in this family.” Her laugh was breathless as she pulled her hair into a bun. “That smells amazing.” She nearly sang the last word, and I was grateful for the distraction. Melissa still hadn’t texted back, and I’d sent the message well over an hour ago. “Jade’s has the best fried rice and cashew chicken and… everything. I hope you don’t mind I ordered for you?” I asked as I scooped rice onto one of the paper plates I had laid out earlier while she was putting the kids to bed. “I don’t mind at all. I’m just happy they deliver.” Her smile was genuine as she watched me fill her plate. “I could’ve helped you give the kids a bath. Declan said I had to help as—” “You did help. You ordered food. And you’re taking night feedings. You’re here, and I’m grateful.” Her cheeks filled with color. The blush getting deeper as I held her stare. “Did he… tell you I… I’ve—”

“I can’t imagine how hard it is to raise a kid, let alone two, at the same time. You’re doing… you both are doing the best you can. I don’t know much about childbirth, but going from no kids to two in the blink of an eye, I think anyone might get a little stressed from time to time.” I glanced up at her briefly and then continued to fill my own plate once the embarrassment faded from her eyes. “You always say the best things.” She popped a piece of chicken in her mouth and groaned. I laughed as I sealed the to-go containers. “It’s good shit, right?” She mumbled a “yes” around her mouthful of food. We ate in silence for the next several minutes. Her on the stool, and me standing on the other side of the breakfast bar. It felt a little weird, if I was being honest. Paige wasn’t like Kelly, she chose her words carefully, only let you in bit by bit and, not having Declan or the kids around as a buffer, I wasn’t sure what to talk about. She swallowed a few more bites, and when she looked up at me, the creases around her eyes deepened. “You should sit down.” “I’m good. I sit all day at work.” I gave her a smile, but her brows dipped farther anyway. “You never answered my question earlier.” I dropped her gaze. “Kelly said she introduced you to a woman she used to work with, how’d that go?” I inhaled a deep breath and met her stare. Her features were soft, waiting, not prying, and I figured it might help to have some womanly advice. “Yeah, she seems cool. I had a good time with her at the party.” She laughed. “Declan said Liam is still moaning about Kemper puking in his bathroom.” “Be happy you guys weren’t there, it got ugly after that.” My smirk broke into a full, face-splitting grin, as she laughed hard enough she snorted. “Sometimes having kids as an excuse to stay home is kind of nice.” She filled her fork with rice, but before she raised it to her mouth she asked, “Does she have a name?” “Who?” “The girl.” Paige’s tone was a mix between irritation and anticipation. “Melissa.” I liked the way her name sounded in my own voice. How it hung in the air like it had always been there. Like it belonged to me. “And have you called her?” she asked around a mouthful of rice. “I texted her a couple of times, once today, but she hasn’t—” Just as I was about to say she hadn’t texted, my phone vibrated against the granite countertop. I didn’t want to hope but… I unlocked the screen and her name danced across it. A slow smile began to build at the corners of my mouth.

“Is it her?” Paige’s voice was filled with the same kind of excitement that had begun to grow inside my stomach, spreading its roots of warmth throughout my body. I nodded, and when I lifted my eyes from the counter, Paige was standing. “Well… answer her.” She picked up her half-eaten plate and walked around the counter. A huff of laughter escaped my lungs as she shoveled her leftovers onto my plate. “I’m going to take a shower, then probably go to sleep. I’ll give you some privacy.” Her smile was kind. “It’s just a text message, Paige.” “It’s how it all begins, though, isn’t it? It’s the best part.” Her sea-glass eyes sparkled. “Say something sweet… women like sweet.” She shifted her eyes to the counter. “First feeding is at midnight. The instructions are by the bottle warmer. If you need me—” “Piece of cake, go relax.” She bit her bottom lip. “Relax,” she mused. “I… I don’t think I would’ve been able to be alone tonight, I’m glad you’re here.” “Anytime,” I said as the sadness crept its way back into her eyes. “Don’t tell Declan I said that. He can’t… he shouldn’t worry about me.” “I won’t.” But I raised my eyebrows. “You know he’ll never stop worrying.” “I know.” She swallowed and gave me a shy grin. “Text her, and thank you, Kieran, for everything.” She turned and disappeared down the hall before I could really respond. My eyes drifted to my phone. I wasn’t sure why I was hesitating, maybe I was scared of her rejection. Or maybe I was just scared of her. Scared of how she was burning through me too quickly, of how all I could think about was touching her, and the fear that if I got the chance, I wouldn’t know how, that I would disappoint her. Lust and innocence were enemies and I was no longer on neutral ground. My mouth had become a desert as I picked up my phone and opened the messages. Melissa: I admire your persistence. The beat of my heart echoed within the hollow of my chest. Pushing, beating, breaking against my sternum. Four words, and I had no idea how she felt. Was she flirting? Was she telling me to fuck off? Persistence… I wet my lips and tapped out my response. Me: She is the light, and I am the shadow that chases her dawn. My thumb hovered over the send button. I reread the sentence once, twice, maybe seven times. It was how I’d felt when I saw her that night when I’d walked through Liam’s front door. She’d been beaming, beckoning. Her warm skin, her open eyes rimmed in black, a siren, and the first break of day I’d seen in so long. I pressed send and took pleasure in the thought of her having my words. My lonely words that sat on plain pages without eyes to read them. I wanted her to have my words and, as I set my phone down, I let the feeling drop low into my stomach. That free fall I was high on, I would enjoy it.



The sultry beat of the bass drifted to the background of my mind. All I saw were his words and, as I whispered them to myself, the war raging inside my stomach ceased. “She is the light, and I am the shadow that chases her dawn.” My pulse drowned out all the distractions of the bar. I didn’t glance up at the patron calling my name. I didn’t hear the vulgarity he spewed when I didn’t answer, my eyes fixated on the screen of my phone. His riddles had me at a loss for words. What should I say next? I couldn’t write shit like that, and I sure as hell thought his effort was wasted on me. But I liked him, and worthy or not, I wasn’t ready to run him off yet. The guy waiting for his drink said my name again, this time his voice dripping with irritation and condescension. He was leaning halfway over the bar. His dress shirt wrinkled, his tie loosened at the knot. I glanced down to his left hand, and sure enough, a gold band sat proudly on his left fucking finger. “You talk to your wife with that mouth?” I asked as I set my phone under the bar. I’d text Kieran back after I lost this asshole. The man’s face was sharp with cheekbones that jutted out almost past his nose. His jaw was angular, peppered with a five o’clock shadow, and the muscle beneath tensed at my question. “Don’t strippers work for tips? I’d be nicer if I were you, gotta pay your bills somehow, babe.” I exhaled a practiced breath. I was used to pricks like this, but for some reason I’d let this piece of shit under my skin. Fury narrowed my eyes as I met his brazen stare. “I’m not a stripper, asshole, and here’s a little tip for you, as well, never fuck with people who make your food or your drinks, you never know what might slip in.” My heart was in my throat, the adrenaline spiking my pulse as I leaned toward him and asked in a sweet voice, “What are you drinking?” His too-prominent cheeks drained of color and his alcohol-glazed eyes dropped to the bar top. “Gin and tonic.”

I didn’t think a response was necessary, he’d had enough of my attention for the night. I grabbed the bottle of well gin from the back of the bar and made his drink without one glance in his direction. When I slid his drink over the bar top, he handed me a twenty and said, “Keep the change.” My smirk held firmly even though my heart was still racing inside my chest. Back in the day, I wouldn’t have even barked back at a guy like that. I would’ve danced for him. Instead of making him a drink, I would’ve been on that stage slinging sex for dollar bills, and if Chance was alive he would’ve had me give the guy a hand job for an extra fifty. Drugs cost money. Sometimes Chance and I would blow through at least four hundred dollars in one day. It was disgusting to even think about how we’d thrown away so much money, so much time. My heart finally fell into a normal beat and, as the guy took off with his drink, I thought about what else I’d lost for drugs, and it wasn’t just my morality. I ignored the stinging in the corner of my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair, pulling the strands into a messy knot. The hand on the wall clock seemed to tick in slow motion as I lifted my gaze. Four hours left of this shift, and I wasn’t sure I would make it. I should’ve been done with this place, working full-time for Kelly, but I couldn’t leave Jaime high and dry. Guilt would put me in a grave if I let it. I’d carried it around all my life, it was a tumor, and it continued to grow day by day. I grabbed a few of the empty glasses sitting on the bar and set them in the sink. The pipes groaned as I turned on the hot water and the sound made me smile. If anything, it was a constant in my life. My life didn’t have many places to anchor, so I should be grateful to Jaime and the home he’d given me here. I plugged the sink and let it fill before I grabbed my phone. I told myself I shouldn’t reply, and I almost hadn’t earlier, but his words… I couldn’t stop my fingers from tapping out a response. Me: I’m not sure what I like better… your smart mouth or your pretty words. The edges of my smile touched the heat of my cheeks as I pressed send. I didn’t expect a quick reply, but before I could set the phone down it vibrated in my hand. Cabrón: I’m partial to being a smart ass, but I hear the ladies kind of dig the romantic shit. A laugh broke past my lips. Me: I don’t think romantic and shit should ever be in the same sentence. Cabrón: Noted. Cabrón: So, did you decide? My bottom lip was pinched between my teeth as my eyes scanned the bar. One of the newer girls was bent over shaking her ass to some horrible rap song. I cringed. If Kieran only knew where I was right now. Me: Decide on what? Cabrón: If you like the smart ass or the poet better? Me: The jury is still out. I don’t know you well enough to decide. Cabrón: We should remedy that… dinner tomorrow?

Me: I’m kind of busy the next few days. What about Thursday? I had to work at the restaurant tomorrow night. My father’s friend rented out the entire place for his daughter’s quinceañera, not to mention, the next couple of days I was splitting my time between here and training at Irene’s so I could be ready to work there after Thanksgiving. Working three jobs, I could handle it, but it wasn’t really helpful when it came to dating. Cabrón: I can make Thursday work. Cabrón: I could pick you up at seven? The swarm in my stomach fell quiet as I tried to picture Kieran, that handsome face and smile, his soapy scent competing with the smell of the dumpster just outside my apartment building, or the mildew that crept along the stairwell leading to my front door. Just a few more things to add to the other hundred reasons why I shouldn’t consider dating a man like him. I couldn’t back out now, but I sure as fuck wasn’t letting him pick me up. Me: I’ll meet you somewhere. Cabrón: The smart ass and the poet think that’s a terrible idea… really, I don’t mind. Lying by omission, it was my daily life, but straight-up deception, it wasn’t my thing, not anymore at least, and he was making this difficult. Why do men have to be so damn valiant? I swallowed the sick taste coating my tongue as I typed out my response with trembling fingers. Me: I’m not ready for you to see where I live. Just pick a place and I’ll be there. The tone screamed crazy bitch, and if he was smart, he’d lose my number, but instead he answered in what felt like record-breaking speed. Cabrón: Meet me at Across the Page. I’d never heard of the place. Me: Is it casual? Cabrón: If you ask me, I’ll just tell you to wear that dress again, but yeah, the place is chill. The shallow rise and fall of my chest finally gave way to longer, deeper breaths as I smiled. He didn’t push the issue, but once I was sitting across from him at dinner, dodging my realities wouldn’t be as easy. Me: Thursday at seven, I’ll be there. Cabrón: And when she says goodbye, her aftertaste lingers and it favors the flavor of anticipation. I couldn’t look up from my phone. His poem held me in place. He made it easy to believe I wasn’t standing in a strip club, that there wasn’t a part of me, however small she had become, shaking in a corner. She was pale and skinny with dirt under her nails, and that smell, it would never go away, and it reeked from her flesh. The scars on her soul were hideous and raised, puckered and putrid. He’d see them, he’d see everything, and I wondered if he’d still compare me to the dawn. My heart was too poisonous to hold, and

the worst part of it all, was that I feared he wouldn’t risk his own to cure it.

“You have a date?” “Jesus, Maria can’t keep her mouth shut for five minutes.” Maria smirked as she wiped down the table. My father, on the other hand, just stared at me. “What, Papa? Spit it out.” His hair was starting to gray on the sides. And his belly? My mom and I had a bet going that by New Year’s he’d outgrow the customary pants we always got him for Christmas. He shoved his hands into his pockets, his eyes narrowing as he said, “I worry.” A ton of bricks settled inside my sternum. “I’m almost thirty.” “Does he come from a good home?” I shrugged and I didn’t miss Maria’s snicker. My father’s eyes were almost slits as he stared me down like I was teenager. I wanted to be annoyed, but I’d given him plenty of reasons not to trust me. “My friend who gave me the job at the women’s shelter, it’s her brother-in-law.” I grabbed a white rag from the bucket on the floor. The place was trashed. At least a hundred people had passed through for the quinceañera. I’d always thought the tradition was a waste of money. A wedding-sized celebration was too much for a girl turning fifteen. My mother still had mine and Maria’s dresses in vacuum-sealed bags stuffed away in the attic. “Does he have a name?” he asked. His tone too even, and his posture too stiff. “Kieran.” “What kind of name is Kieran?” I smiled as he tried to roll the R. “It’s Irish,” Maria answered for me, and I threw my wet rag at her. She squealed and threw it back. My father sighed and ran his hand threw his thinning hair. “You girls act like you’re little kids.” “Why are you in such a mood?” my mother asked as she came into the front of the restaurant. “Mel has a date.” Maria chimed in again, and this time I was contemplating pouring my bucket of bleach water over her head. Grown woman or not, I wasn’t above being

immature if it got her to shut her damn mouth. “With who?” Mom set the tub of silverware she was carrying on a clean table and sat down. “Manny, hand me that stack of napkins in the bus station.” “A guy I was introduced to. He’s—” “Related to that girl who gave her the job at the shelter.” My dad finished my sentence for me as usual, and I bit the side of my cheek so I wouldn’t utter some bitchy remark that would only end up giving me another ton of bricks to carry around. “Good family?” my mother asked with raised brows. My shoulders sagged. “Yes.” “He goes to St. Ann’s,” Maria offered and I shot her a death glare. Her eyes widened as if to say “what did I say?” but her smirk wasn’t as innocent. My father’s mouth broke into a smile. “He does? What’s his last name?” “O’Connell, but he attends regular Mass, Papa, you wouldn’t know him.” “But I could… know him. I’ll ask around.” I groaned. “Are you kidding? Please don’t. I’m capable of making a good choice. I mean, I know what you’re thinking. And I promise you, five years sober will be six and then seven. Nothing, not even a man can derail me…” My parents shared a look and it cut me deep, spilled my guts onto the freshly mopped floor. “I’m not her anymore, I’m not.” The ache in my throat extended down throughout my chest as the room went silent. Maria avoided my eyes as I walked past her toward the kitchen. “Querida.” My father’s whisper stilled my legs. “Your choices are yours to make, and we do not doubt you…” I watched as the tears filled my mother’s eyes as he spoke. “We hope for you.” They hoped I wouldn’t relapse, that I wouldn’t fall for another asshole who’d turn me into a monster. “It’s one date…” The words were strained as I spoke around the lump in my throat. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” My father rested his palm against my cheek, transforming me into that little girl I’d always tried to remember. The girl before the bad choices, the drugs, the sins. “Cuidado mija.” “I’ll be careful.” I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes. His aftershave was still the same after all these years, and if I kept my eyes shut, I could pretend I was still his baby girl. He lowered his hand, and my eyes opened to a smile blooming across his face. That hope he’d spoken of earlier highlighted his dark brown eyes in flecks of gold. “Irish…” His smile turned into a grin. “Gorda, isn’t your great grandmother Irish?” My mother nodded as she rolled a set of silverware into a napkin. Her voice remained

tight as she answered, “Yes, I believe her maiden name was Foley.” “Don’t worry, they’ll look up his entire family tree before Thursday,” Maria mumbled under her breath as she passed me her dirty rag to throw into the bucket. I laughed and my father gave us both a reproachful glare, but said anyway, “O’Connell… what does he do for a living?” I placed Maria’s rag into the bucket and wrapped my fingers around the handle. I lifted the uneven weight, the water splashing a few drops onto the floor, as I said, “I may go on this date and hate every minute, and this entire conversation would’ve been pointless…” I met my father’s eyes. “I promise, if it goes well I’ll answer any questions you have.” “It’s a deal.” The way he said it almost had me rolling my eyes. “I’m sure you’ll have a great time.” My mother looked up from her stack of rolled silverware, her face relaxed. She smiled all the way to the wrinkles that surrounded her eyes. She had her hopes up, and as my lips pulled up at the corners, my smile matching hers, I admitted it to myself. I had my hopes up, too.

“And on the shoulders of autumn, you cracked the sky.” Hayley Stumbo~



My hair was still damp from my shower and the crisp temperature saturated the strands that hung over my forehead, pricking against my skin like ice. I regretted leaving my jacket downstairs inside the shop, and not just because I was freezing my ass off, but mostly because I’d have to deal with the guys before I left. I’d kept quiet most of the day, fighting off that small seed of panic that had made its home inside my stomach. Nervous. It wasn’t a sufficient word for how I was feeling. Right about now, that seed was in full bloom, and the last thing I needed tonight was Liam’s bullshit. I was going on a date, and yes, I hadn’t gone on a real date since… it didn’t matter that I couldn’t remember, the point was that Liam and Kemper had kept quiet alongside me all day, biding their time like lions circling their prey. As soon as I walked back into Avenues, I was theirs to slaughter. I was freaked-the-hell-out enough without these chuckleheads running me down. The rear door to the shop chimed, and I cringed as I unsuccessfully snuck through it. My jacket was on the back of my chair at the front desk so there was no real escape anyway. I took a deep breath and rolled my shoulders back. There was no use in hiding. My confidence manifested in two ways: sarcasm or silence. When it came to the guys in the shop, quiet only got me questions. My mask fell into place, and I pushed through the shop like I didn’t have any fucks to give. Avenues had been busy today, and leaving early to take Melissa out had proven to be more difficult than I’d originally thought. I felt like shit asking Declan to stay late to man the desk, but he was happy to do it. I lifted my chin to Asher as I passed his station. He nodded back, his hands covered with purple gloves, blood, and ink. His customer looked

like he was sleeping, earbuds in—eyes closed. He wasn’t a regular, but he’d given over his body, his trust, to Asher and even appeared to be relaxed about it. I should be so lucky. I ignored Ronnie as I walked past her station, not in the mood for her usual intrusive arrogance. I focused on the loud music playing overhead as Kemper and both of my brothers came into view. All three of them were hovered over the front desk. Shit. “Don’t you look fancy.” Kemper’s smirk was asinine. I was only wearing jeans and a black sweater. “Is that gel in your hair?” Declan’s smile was starting to peek around the corners of his mouth, but Liam just looked pissed as always. “No, jackass, my hair’s still wet.” I grabbed my jacket from the chair and pulled it on. “Where are you taking her?” Declan asked, his eyes light and full of humor. “I’m meeting her at Across the Page, and then taking her to dinner.” “Tris wasn’t good enough for dinner?” Kemper asked with a grin. He’d razzed me for a week about Tana’s sister. Now it was just a stupid joke he wouldn’t let go. “You saw Melissa, and if you had a choice…” I shrugged. I wasn’t shallow, but I had to speak Kemper’s language or he’d never shut the hell up. “Point made.” “You’re taking her to a bookstore?” Liam finally chimed in. I nodded as my chest tightened. I don’t know why, but I wanted his approval, I always had. In some ways, he was like a father to me. Disappointment creased his brows into a stern line. “I like books, and I figured it’s right by—” “You’re not taking her to Jade’s.” It wasn’t a question, it was an order, and it pissed me off. “Why not?” I asked, trying to hide my aggravation behind a smile. “Because it’s a fucking take-out joint, Kieran.” “They have tables, I go there all the time.” “It’s kind of a shit hole.” Declan gave me a quiet smile. “No way, that place has character.” My jaw flexed when Kemper laughed, and to my surprise, Liam’s own lips twitched at the corners. “First date in God knows how long and he takes her to Jade’s… at this rate you’ll never get laid.” My stomach soured, and Liam knew his mistake as he watched my features fall into a

blank slate. Declan shot Liam a warning glare and Kemper just looked confused. My virginity was my own damn business, these guys could think what they wanted about me, but they didn’t need to know everything. My truths were mine and mine alone. “Thanks for the advice, but I have this handled.” The cold tone of my voice shut down any more attempted jokes at my expense. “Thanks for staying, Declan, tell Paige I owe her.” I nodded my head at Kemp and Liam. “I’ll see you guys in the morning.” I didn’t need to make a show of my anger… that was Liam’s thing. I just bottled mine until I could leak it slowly across the paper later. I wasn’t quite to the door when Liam grabbed my shoulder. I stood still and didn’t turn to face him when he said, “I’m sorry.” Liam didn’t apologize. He threw grenades and dealt with the damage on his own terms, so when he did, you can bet your ass he really meant it. The tension I’d coiled tightly into my shoulders relaxed. “Thank you.” He squeezed my shoulder before he released his grip and I turned around. “Jade’s… it’s your thing, little brother, I was just being a dick.” “I’m used to it.” My lips lifted on one side and Liam laughed. I headed for the back door and, as I stepped through, I heard him yell, “You better fucking show up tomorrow… on time.” And there he was. My chuckle was swallowed by the wind as I stepped into the night.

It was weird that I was watching her through the store window, but I didn’t care. I liked the way her fingers trembled and how she tangled them together and then shoved them into her pockets. She was vulnerable in her skinny jeans and sweater. She stood out in a sea of people as she lingered next to the horror section, her eyes drifting to the door every time someone walked in. Her inky black hair was down, straightened, the shine heightened by the lights of the bookstore. How could people pass her by and not even glance in her direction? Not see what was standing right in front of them? She was stunning. The golden color of her cheeks filled with pink as she watched the front door intently, and I realized I’d tortured her enough. I was ten minutes late when I strolled through the doors of Across the Page, and when Melissa’s deep brown eyes met mine, my lips parted and spread into a slow-motion grin. She chewed the corner of her mouth, trying to hide her cards, but she folded, and those full lips, painted in red, broke into a brilliant smile. “You’re late,” she said without any real ire. “I was watching you,” I admitted and nodded my head in the direction of the window.

Her eyes widened. “You were?” “I was. You look beautiful.” As I said it my stomach tensed. The honesty would either cost me or give me my first win for the night. She shifted her gaze to the window and bit her lip. She was lost in her own thoughts, and I wished there was some sort of window I could look through now so I could see what she was thinking. “You like horror?” I asked and she flicked her eyes back to mine. Her brows dipped as she asked, “Not really, why?” I pointed to the aisle behind her. “Horror section, I figured most women preferred romance.” She narrowed her eyes, a smirk making its appearance. “I like mysteries…” Her smile turned pensive as she said, “And sad stories.” “And poetry,” I offered, pulling her from her thoughts. A short laugh escaped her lips as she nodded. “So it seems.” Her gaze wandered around the store. “Why are we in a bookstore?” That nervous energy, the same feeling I had no words for, it was back three-fold, but this time it mixed with fear, and I hoped my stupid, sappy-ass plan wasn’t cheesy as hell. “I wanted tonight to be about favorites, I guess. And, besides church, this is one of my favorite places.” She cocked her left brow. “Church is a favorite place?” I chuckled. “Sometimes.” Melissa’s laugh was soft, like paper, like the used books that sat on this shelf, and I wanted to feel it against my skin. “You laugh,” I said. “But it’s true. Church is routine, the smell, the ceremony. I know what to expect there.” I know I’m safe. “And here?” she asked. “It’s almost the same.” I took her hand and she laced her fingers through mine. She appraised our connected fingers as she asked, “How?” “I’ll show you.” I tugged on her hand and she smiled. Her dark eyes lightened as she gazed up at me briefly, mischief and mystery stirring the gold and coffee facets together inside her irises. I couldn’t breathe. “Lead the way,” she said, reminding me to inhale. I sucked in a breath that I’d hoped she hadn’t noticed and guided us through the aisles and the customers until we’d reached the stacks. She took in everything as I led her deeper… all the way to the back of the store. It was where the scent was the strongest. The books back here were old and yellowed and, by far, my favorite. I paused midway through

one of the stacks and stared at the small collection of poetry and classics. “This place, for me, is like church…” I whispered as if I was in the middle of a cathedral. “Because you stand before gods like Whitman, Poe, Keats, Cummings, Hardy… Frost, and every word they’ve written, they will never change, they’re timeless.” I lifted an old leather-bound book from the shelf and released her hand so I could open it. “The smell, the ceremony, it’s not the same but it is.” I let my eyes roam over the paragraphs as I inhaled. “I come here once a week, I worship these pages, and I go home feeling less…” “Burdened.” She offered me another shy smile. My mouth tipped into a grin. “Yeah.” My jaw pulsed as I watched her. She dropped her eyes to the open book in my hand and swallowed. “You make me incredibly nervous.” The words shivered as she spoke. Her eyes remained on the book, and I was grateful for the moment to school my features. “I could say the same of you.” She gave me her full attention then. “I make you nervous?” “Absolutely.” “I call bullshit,” she said with a wry smile. I choked out a laugh. “Bullshit?” Her smile pulled into dimples and she nodded. “You’re smooth.” My head fell back with laughter. “I’m anything but.” She narrowed her eyes. “You’re good with words.” “I like books… I didn’t bring you here to be smooth.” I pushed a stray piece of her hair behind her ear, and she wet her lips. My eyes were captured by her mouth, the motion pulling me in. The quiet static surrounded us, feeding the dizzying speed of my heartbeat, there was no room to breathe as my chest squeezed and constricted. I held my hand up between us and didn’t attempt to hide how it shook. “See. Nervous as fuck.” She pinched her lip with her teeth and lifted her hand, pressing it against my palm. Her hand was so small, and as she threaded her fingers through mine she said, “I’m out of practice.” I lowered our linked hands. “Me, too.” It wasn’t an actual lie. For argument’s sake, I hadn’t technically dated anyone since high school, and never actually having sex could be considered “out of practice.” “Maybe we should just kiss now, and make shit less awkward.” She glanced up from under her lashes with a playful grin. My pulse hummed. Was she serious? “Now?” “Why not?” “It’s not very romantic.”

She laughed. “That’s the point, less pressure.” She released my hand and took a step toward me. My Adam’s apple bobbed inside my throat when her eyes fell to my lips. “I can’t believe I’m going to do this.” She smiled as she asked, “Am I messing up your date night plans?” “Maybe.” She stepped so close I could feel the heat of her body through my sweater. My jaw clenched, and the smell of old books and jasmine filled the inch or so between us. She kept her hands at her side, and I almost wondered if she was testing me. But her tongue swept across her bottom lip making the red color shimmer. My blood ripped through my veins, and the loud roar silenced the noise around us. It was me and her, and I had to know what she tasted like. I wanted to say something, but I was afraid my voice would betray me, break this moment, and show her just how naïve I really was. I lifted my hand and dusted my thumb across her lips. They parted as her eyelids fluttered closed and her breath warmed my skin. The fear I’d had earlier gave way to searing heat. I let it course through me as I lowered my head, cradled her face with my hand, and pressed my lips to hers. She was everything that was supple and soft and real, and after three seconds, her mouth opened for me, and engulfed my tongue with her honeyed taste. I’d become a lost soul. A fallen angel. Her mouth found our rhythm like we’d always known what it was like to kiss each other, like this wasn’t a first kiss, a new beginning. I stopped thinking, wrapped my left arm around her waist, and pulled her against me. My right hand slid down her arm and then back up again. I ran my fingertips past her shoulder to her neck. My thumb circled her pulse line and, as my fingers drifted into her hair, her head fell back. I groaned as she nipped at my lower lip and she pulled away with a breathless gasp. I wanted to tell her that she was blushing, that she looked perfect standing in my favorite spot, in my favorite store, with the burn of my stubble on her chin. She brought her fingers to her lips and fought a smile as my eyes devoured every inch of her. She was the sin I wanted to commit. She dropped her hand and revealed that playful smile again. “Don’t look so smug.” I took her hand. “Smug?” I shook my head with a smile. “This is the face of a man in deep… deep trouble.” I didn’t miss how her own smile wavered. “Nah… I’m just a girl breaking the ice.” My brows lifted. “That was more than just an ice breaker.” “That’s just hunger talking.” Twenty-seven years of hunger. “I think maybe you’re right. You like Chinese food?” I asked. “It’s my favorite.” I threaded my fingers through hers, my smile a little out of control as I said, “Mine,

too.”



“This is your favorite restaurant?” I asked as my eyes drifted across his handsome face. His strong jaw was smattered with a shortly trimmed beard, and as my gaze caressed his lips, I remembered the feel of that beard against my chin. My eyes, though reluctant, turned toward the open room. When I allowed myself to look at him again, I tried not to fixate on his forearms as they flexed against the table. Kieran’s sleeves were pushed to his elbows, his black sweater hugged every muscle, leaving little to the imagination. Not that I had to imagine anything, not even twenty minutes ago I’d been pressed against that chest, that carved stone, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I’d never wanted to let go. It wasn’t like me to make moves, especially first ones, but standing with him in his favorite store, and watching the light turn his blue eyes to crystal clear sky as he spoke about his love of books, I’d needed to feel what he was feeling. Taste what he was saying even if it was fleeting and reckless. Kissing him was the best thing to happen to me in a long-ass time. “It is. I usually do takeout though. My brothers told me I shouldn’t bring you here.” His smile was addictive, and I’d been inhaling it ever since we’d sat down inside the restaurant. His lips pulled across his face and heat bloomed inside my heart. I could still feel those lips. “Why?” “I guess it’s kind of a shit hole, but the food is amazing.” Kieran expertly twirled his chopsticks through his noodles as he watched me. “I like it here,” I said. “Yeah?” I nodded. He’d brought me to a place with only four tables and a cheesy dragon painted on the

back wall. He hadn’t tried to impress me with some fake, pretentious restaurant. This place wasn’t about fanfare, just good food. We were the only ones here, and there was no loud music for distractions, just the occasional bickering of the staff that floated through the kitchen door, rarely interrupting our first date Q and A. Kieran reached across the table and snatched one of my spring rolls with his chopsticks. “These are my favorite.” “Hey,” I scolded with a laugh, and he rewarded me again with that perfect smile. He swallowed his bite before he spoke again. “Liam thinks I’m addicted.” “I can see why. You just stole food off my plate.” He took another bite of the spring roll and smirked. “Liam is older than you, right?” “Yeah. It’s Liam, then Declan, and I’m the baby.” “That explains the manners.” I eyed my half-eaten spring roll on his plate as I scooped fried rice onto my fork. “I’d like to think that I’m just comfortable enough with you that we can share.” He shrugged his shoulders and leaned back in his chair. “How about you? Any siblings?” The fun, nervous energy turned gray as he steered the conversation toward me. Halftruths and lies. It was my M.O. “Just one, my sister, Maria.” My smile was small as I set down my fork. “Older or younger?” he asked around a mouthful of noodles. “Older. She’s thirty-five.” I dropped his gaze and looked around the room even though avoidance wouldn’t stop the lies, and I didn’t want to lie to him. “It’s a rough life being the last born,” he said, and the smile in his tone caught my attention. I turned to look at him again and mischief brewed in his eyes. “The last born is always the favorite.” I smiled even though it was deceptive to do so. I wasn’t the favorite, I was the black sheep. “You were the favorite?” His smile waned as he said, “I was.” Kieran wasn’t as good at hiding his feelings as I was and, as he turned to look around the restaurant, his shoulders seemed a bit tighter than they were a few seconds ago. “Kelly told me about your mom,” I said softly and earned his gaze. His jaw clenched as he set down his chopsticks. “It’s been hard. Some days it feels just like yesterday, and then others it feels as if she died years ago. I miss her.” His smile returned, but it was watered down. “I was lucky to have the time I did. Not everyone can say that.” Regret swarmed in my stomach. I’d thrown away so many years with my family, given up the chance to be a mother. The thought of him knowing how I’d lived, how I’d treated

my loved ones, it made my dinner stir and sour in my belly. “I’m sure you made her very proud.” I reached for my drink and his eyes fell to my fingers. They were trembling and I hadn’t noticed. They stilled as I wrapped them around the glass. “The truth?” he asked as I sipped deeply from the cup. His gaze fixed on my fingers. “Some days… I feel like I failed her.” I set down my glass and looked him in the eyes. I wasn’t ready for his confession, I didn’t want intimacy I couldn’t return. But I was trapped by the sadness that swirled inside his irises. “Why would you think that?” I whispered. It felt like an eternity before he spoke. The room was overly quiet, like it too was waiting for his answer. “Kieran you don’t have—” “I was going to be a priest.” He didn’t register the shock in my raised brows. He was staring into his past, his eyes full of memories. “She was so excited, and I grasped a hold of that. Ran with it until it eventually became a part of who I was, whether I wanted it or not, and when I never went to seminary, never finished, I always wondered if I’d disappointed her.” I didn’t know him, but that look, that heavy weight… it was guilt and it matched mine. “I don’t see how she could’ve been.” His eyes came into focus. “That’s what Liam says.” “No matter what we do, at some point, we’ve disappointed someone, but it doesn’t mean that the things we’ve accomplished are any less worthy.” I gave him a small smile. “And here I thought I was the one who was good with words.” His lopsided grin reappeared, and I huffed out a laugh as the mood lifted. “You really wanted to be a priest?” “I did. I even majored in theology.” Our waitress came over and filled our water glasses. Once she left, I said with a smirk forming on my lips, “I don’t think priests are supposed to kiss like that.” His laugh was deep and I felt it in my bones. He raised his eyebrows as he asked, “Like what?” The warmth in my cheeks reached the tips of my ears, and his smile grew. That damn smile did things to me, made me want to say things I shouldn’t. His kiss was sex and fire and there was no way in hell I was uttering those words. I shook my head as I said, “Let’s just say you kiss like you’ve been in the confessional a lot.” Kieran actually blushed, and his confidence wavered like his Adam’s apple as he swallowed. “What if I told you I was a virgin?”

I barked out a laugh. “I’d call you a fucking liar.” His lips lifted. “The kiss was that good?” I rolled my eyes. “I’m not answering that.” The waitress, thank God, dropped off our check. He reached for it and I let him. He handed the server cash and told her to keep the change. I was prepared to stand, ready to leave, but when he looked at me again, his eyes had filled with something I couldn’t place, and it pinned me to the chair. “What if I was?” he asked again. “Kieran…” “Would it change anything?” The humor had completely left his eyes. If he was a virgin… all the things I’d done, everything I’d been through… my stomach lurched. My mouth went dry, my heart beat too fast as I tried to find the lie in his eyes. It wasn’t there. “You’re a virgin.” It wasn’t a question and the air thinned making it hard to breathe. It shouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t have mattered to a normal woman. A woman with skin that hadn’t been tainted by foreign hands, and filth. “How?” I asked, unable to hide the fear in my voice. “I wanted to live the standard, test myself. If I never experienced sex, I figured it’d be a hell of a lot easier to give it up when I took my vows to become a priest.” The color in his cheeks deepened. “So, you’ve never…” “I’ve never had sex.” “Never?” “Never ever.” He chuckled. “That’s crazy.” The honest words slipped from my mouth before I could stop them. “You’re on a date with a twenty-seven-year-old virgin.” His smile was playful, and I felt anything but. He was an angel, and I was worse than the fucking devil. “Tell me what you’re thinking… you’re making me nervous.” I was thinking about every vile thing I’d ever done for drugs. How Chance had asked me to fuck strangers for money, but I’d only ever been able to talk myself into giving blow jobs in back seats, and that even though I threw up afterward, every single time, I did it over and over again because that was what I had become. I was thinking how absolutely tragic it was that I was sitting across from someone like him, someone I actually liked, someone who made me feel less like a whore and more like a human, and knew that if he could see me for what I really was it would be the last time I’d ever see him. I kept my thoughts to myself and made light of it. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel ashamed of something so brave, so honorable. “I think it’s cool.” His laugh was full and rich and my lips parted into a smile at the sound of it. “I do. It

shows, if anything, you’re a fucking expert at commitment.” His laugh warmed into a chuckle and chased away my fear, if only for the moment. His light eyes danced as they held mine, and I wanted to fall inside of them, tell him all of my secrets, pray at his feet, and ask him to look past my soiled soul. He would’ve been an amazing priest. The waitress was standing behind the counter casting an irritated glance in our direction. “Should we go?” I asked. “Probably,” he said as he stood and pulled on his jacket. We headed to the door and he waved to the lady behind the counter. She gave him a fake smile and he laughed. “You’d think by now I would have won her over. I’m here like every damn day.” “Maybe that’s the problem?” He took my hand in his, lacing his fingers through mine. “Maybe.” His tone was lighthearted as he opened the door for me, and I stepped out onto the sidewalk. He paused when I shivered and released my hand only to take off his jacket. “Here,” he offered as he held it out for me. “That’s okay.” He narrowed his eyes. “You’re shivering.” His heat lingered and consumed me as I slipped it on. “Thank you,” I said, and he laughed when I looked up at him. “You’re swimming in it.” “You’re a giant.” “Nah, you’re just small,” he teased and pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear. Kieran stepped closer, towering over me. That unbridled confidence was back as he rested his hands on my hips. His powerful fingers wrapped firmly around my waist, and when I leaned my head back—let my eyes find his—I granted myself a moment of peace. I let my knees feel weak, permitted my heart to hammer until all I could feel was the pressure of his fingertips. I’d been sober for five years, and even though wanting him was dangerous, I did it anyway. “Are you going to kiss me again?” I asked, baiting him. “I think I might.” Kieran’s mouth captured mine just as a laugh had barely escaped my lips. I slid my hands to his shoulders and stood on the tips of my toes. His fingers pressed into my hips as I leaned into him. He kissed my top lip and then the bottom with a reverent simplicity. I liked that he kissed more with his mouth and less with his tongue. Like he was building to something, holding out. When his tongue finally swept along the line of my lips and dipped inside my mouth, I moaned for more. He moved softly, and I opened for him, letting him in. He held my face with his hands, and I no longer felt the night air, all I knew

in these few blissed out seconds was that I’d never been as high as I was right now. He pulled away, licked his lips, and then kissed me again before resting his smile against my mouth. He leaned back, brushing his thumb across my chin, and then my cheek. My hands fell from his shoulders down to his chest. Kieran lowered his hand as he said, “I don’t think I’m ready for you to go home yet.” I pinned the corner of my mouth between my teeth, but my smile broke through anyway. I should go home, but like the junkie I’ve always been, I said, “I think there’s a coffee shop a few blocks north.” He took my hand from his chest, linking our fingers. “Lead the way.”

“But I don’t want comfort. I want poetry. I want danger. I want freedom. I want goodness. I want sin.” Aldous Huxley~



Her breath mingled with the air as it passed her lips. It was cold outside, but she’d said the coffee shop was “too loud.” Salt Lake was a quiet city on most nights. The culture steeped in dogma, and tonight wasn’t any different as we sat outside in chilled metal chairs. The smell of coffee escaped from the open door, along with the coveted heat, every time someone walked in or out. My hands, at least, were warmed by the thin paper cup. But the rest of my body, that heat was all her. “So, your family runs a restaurant?” I asked and noticed when she shifted in her chair. She didn’t like it when I steered the conversation toward her life, but I’d told her more about myself than I’d ever intended, more than I probably should have. And even if she’d taken my confession, my not-so-dirty little secret in stride, I wanted to know her and wanted her to trust me. “Yeah, Trujillo’s Kitchen.” The accent she tried hard to conceal dripped from her tongue. My smile couldn’t be stopped. “I like your accent.” Her eyes found the sky. “You shouldn’t hide it.” “I don’t.” Melissa leveled me with stubborn brown eyes and my lips spread past polite. I ignored her discomfort. “And you work there?” She exhaled and her breath danced across the small space between us. I wanted to drink it. “Once a week, or whenever my dad lays down the guilt hammer.”

“We have that in common then?” Her brows tumbled into a V. “What?” “Family business. Guilt… it comes with the trade, I think.” She laughed and her shoulders relaxed. “But Avenues is your full-time job, at least I get a break from my crazy ass family.” “Are you excited to quit your other job?” “Hell, yes. I’ve been at The Western too long.” Her eyes drifted from mine and faded. “I’m ready for a new beginning,” she whispered only to herself, but I eavesdropped anyway. “I think being a bartender would be fun.” Her eyes and heart were somewhere else when she muttered, “It’s overrated.” She sucked in a breath and turned to face me, a shy smile blooming across her face. “Irene’s means more.” My mother’s name clouded my smile. “I think it’s really cool what Kelly did, naming it after her.” I sipped from my coffee cup, hoping the warmth would melt the lump now lodged in my throat. Melissa hadn’t noticed my change of mood. “It was.” I licked the taste of nutmeg from my lips and let myself fall into her eyes. Her small hand fit perfectly on top of my thigh. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought —” “It’s okay, honestly.” I cleared my throat and she leaned back. The heat of her hand evaporating into the moment. “I like hearing you say her name.” Her smile was nostalgia and midnight. “It’s the accent… everything sounds better.” I chuckled at her attempt to lift my mood. “It really does.” The apples of her cheeks were covered in caramel and as I leaned closer, they turned pink. “Say something else.” “Like what?” She was nerves and fire. “Anything, but say it in Spanish.” “Anything?” Her smirk held secrets that I wanted to hear. She bit her lip for a moment, and I wanted to kiss her again. “La adulación no te llevará a ninguna parte.” The sentence was dipped in sarcasm. “Even with the accent I can tell you just insulted me.” “You can?” “Yup,” I said and played with a piece of her hair. “What did you say?” Her smile was wide, bold as she said, “Basically… that flattery will get you nowhere.” “I was right then.” Melissa’s laugh was that first sip of water after a run. The sound of it poured down my throat like I’d been sprinting in the midday sun. It wasn’t enough. I wanted to know what she sounded like when she cried, when she came, when she had nothing but anger and

hate. I wanted everything. My eyes found hers and they smiled back. “No parezcas tan contento con ti mismo.” My brows lifted. “Another insult? My ego is bruised.” I earned another laugh, another sip. “No, not really. I just told you not to feel so pleased with yourself.” I teased. “I’m taking this as a win.” “A win?” she asked, her disbelief not enough to deflate my victory. I leaned back in my chair. “A win. I count them. And tonight I have three.” She quirked her right brow. “Three?” “The kiss, Jade’s, and now this. I can read you very easily.” “So cocky.” Her smile drew her cheeks into those two spectacular dimples. “You love it.” And when she giggled, I shattered into a million, sun-soaked pieces. Words that had begun to trickle through the cracks of my brain, after meeting her, now rushed like a violent current breaking through the locked door inside my mind. She’d brought them back, she’d given me the key. Muse. Aphrodite. Temptress. My face held its mask, but I was feeling anything but calm. She’d raised the dead. And my heart raced through my veins. I wanted to ask her to come to my place, have her show me what else she could do. See what it was like to drown inside of her, see what else I might be hiding. But she trembled, the wind whipping her hair, kissing goose bumps on her neck where my coat was too big to cover her, so instead I said, “You’re cold… we should go.” Her smile only said enough that it pleased me to know she wanted to stay. “I’ll walk you to your car.” We both stood at the same time. The awkward ending silencing our mouths as we threw our half-emptied coffee cups into the trash. Melissa turned and started to remove my jacket. “Wear it until we get to your car.” I stood in front of her and pulled the zipper all the way up. Her eyes lifted, I saw a thousand questions churning, and I wondered if she wanted to go home with me. If I’d awoken that same beast inside of her. I pressed a kiss to her cheek before I asked, “Where did you park?” “Broadway,” she said in one breathless syllable. Our hands met in the middle. Not my move. Not hers. A mutual need. I hid my smile. Win number four.

The walk wasn’t long enough, and before I was ready, she said, “This is me.” And pointed to a small white sedan. I followed her the short distance, watched her as she unlocked her car, and removed my jacket. Every second that passed narrowed my throat and pulsed beneath my jaw. Anxiety. Lust. Fear. Desire. I was suffocating on all the words. My inexperience was closing off my lungs. She handed me my coat, our night was over. Her eyes occupied by the asphalt as she whispered, “Thank you, I… I had a really good time.” Invite her home. Follow through. Follow through. Follow the fuck through. A step was all it took for her to raise her eyes to mine, and the color of rose petals stretched across her cheeks. Win number five. I let the weight of my body move me forward and placed the jacket on the roof of the car. She was a statue with parted lips and painted cheeks and all I wanted was to touch her, taste her, make sure she knew I would see her again. Tempt her to come home with me tonight. I brushed my thumb down the center of her lips. Slow down, savor this… indulge. Her lips were soft, her breath fast as my thumb brushed past her mouth, down her chin, and along her jaw. My touch traced the line of her neck and found her heartbeat. It hummed beneath my fingertips. My left hand pressed into the curve of her hip and she melted. One more step had her against the back driver side door. Her body seamless with mine, my lips on hers, and all the things I wanted were trapped in her small quiet moan. Melissa’s hands mapped my chest and my stomach before they slid into place around my neck. She was tiptoes and weak limbs, and all the rational thought I had drained from my body. I bit her top lip, and then gently kissed the bottom one trying to find control. But she lowered her hands to my waist and pulled me closer. There was no emptiness between us, no hiding the lust that pushed against her stomach, no muzzling the groan that echoed in the stale night air. She smiled against my mouth, and I kissed her again, kissed her until her fingers grasped at the fabric of my sweater, until I heard one last whimper. “Kieran.” She was gasping. “Come home with me?”

She laughed, and I smirked. “No.” I leaned back, cupped her face between my palms. Watched her brown eyes flicker with the darkest of flames. “It’s because I’m a virgin, isn’t it?” There was too much humor in the words for her to take me seriously. “Not at all.” I lowered my hands to her waist and asked another serious question disguised as a tease. “It doesn’t bother you… the inexperience?” She met my eyes and my heart tripped. “If you fuck like you kiss… I would’ve never known.” I swallowed. “Come home with me?” “No,” she whispered. “I like you too much.”

“I like you too much.” I heard her voice in my head, so faint, I could almost touch it, but the alarm on my phone pulled me from her scent of jasmine. My bleary eyes registered the daylight first, I’d forgotten to shut the blinds. I pushed away my sheets, picked up my phone from the nightstand, pressed the wrong thing at least five times before it finally offered me peace so I could lie back down. I cursed under my breath. The damn phone had wrenched me back to reality, back from last night, and away from the hot ass dream I was having. Instead of sending Melissa home, like I had, safe in her car with a few more kisses to remember me by, I was dreaming she’d said yes and came home with me after all. Thoughts of her mouth on my skin, her body in my bed, under me, above me, her dark hair feathered against my flesh… If you fuck like you kiss… Fuck like you kiss… Fuck like you kiss… It was the sound of her voice as I consumed her. My name falling from her lips… wanting. Fuck like you kiss… The phrase was the rhythm I found as I fisted my hard length and stroked my hand up and then down. I’d been like this since last night, wound up, and underfed. Two words that usually ruined this, sickness and sin, had been replaced by her name. By her voice. By her taste. The muscles in my stomach tensed as I closed my eyes, pictured her above me, straddling me. It was her hands, her mouth, her body…

Fuck like you kiss. Each stroke was a plea for relief. My jaw clenched with a growl, and I lifted my hips, once, twice until every muscle in my body seized as my impure thoughts spilled down my hand and onto my stomach. My breathing filled with sweet release, but my heart continued to beat for her, for more. This would never be enough. My eyes opened and avoided the mess I’d made. Shame splattered across my skin. I’d learned there was no end to guilt, it was a horizon never meant to be found, and I wouldn’t let myself wade in its waters, wouldn’t let it eat me alive. I like you too much. It felt good. Good to be wild. To be a man who wanted something and planned on taking it. I convinced myself of these things as I stood and headed to the shower. It wasn’t until I was dressed, and opening the back door of the shop that I allowed myself to believe it. Melissa was the first woman to make me want to sin without any fear of consequence. She wasn’t a test from God, she was real, and I liked her too much, as well. “So…” Liam’s deep voice caught me off guard. “She’s awesome.” “Awesome? Like, I finally got laid awesome, or she’s going to make you work for it awesome?” My eyes darted around the shop. We were the only ones here that I could see. “You’re an asshole.” His shoulders sagged as he handed me a cup of coffee from his workstation. “I guess it’s cool she didn’t give it up on the first date, but I was hoping.” “There’s something very wrong with you.” I laughed as I brought the cup to my mouth. “Never said there wasn’t.” Liam’s smirk broke into a real smile. “So, you like her?” His eyebrows lifted as he sipped from his cup. “I think I do. It’s weird. I’m just getting to know her, but I really want to know more… more than I think is normal.” “Nah, that shit’s normal. Fuck, Kelly had my ass the minute she smarted off to me. Mom always said, ‘When you know… you know.’” “Liam O’Connell the romantic.” Ronnie’s voice startled me and Liam laughed as he raised his cup. “How’d the hot date go?” she asked, though it lacked true interest, and set her keys into her bag. I hadn’t even heard her come in. “I’m going to ask her out again.”

“Not tonight?” Liam’s brow set in a stern line. “Why not?” “Three days, little brother. I told you this.” Declan’s smile was brighter than usual as he walked toward us from the breakroom. I guess Liam and I hadn’t been alone after all. “I don’t want to play games.” “Oh, but she wants you to,” Ronnie purred and snaked her hand down my chest as she walked by me toward her station. “I just threw up a little,” Liam said. His face pinched tight as if he was really feeling sick. “Three days?” I asked Declan, ignoring the other two idiots. He ran his fingers through the beard on his chin. “Do what you want.” “Just don’t fuck it up,” Liam added. I exhaled a long breath and left my brothers behind in hopes they’d leave me be. The front desk was my usual hiding place, at least until Kemp showed up. The appointments today were heavy, and I wouldn’t get out of here until eleven. Another twelve-hour day draining me before it had even begun. I wouldn’t be able to see her tonight. I pulled my phone from my pocket, unlocked the screen, and typed out a message. Me: Can I see you tomorrow? She responded before I set down my phone. Melissa: I work tonight and tomorrow. Me: At the bar? Melissa: Yeah, but I have two days off after that. Two days. My smile crept up my cheeks. Me: Can I claim those two days as mine now, or is that too forward? I wanted to see the smile I knew was sitting on her face, hear the giggle that had shattered me. Melissa: I think I could fit you in. Me: Way to make a guy feel special. Melissa: It’s the least I can do. Flames spread through my fingertips. Me: Is that so? Me: If you fuck like you kiss… I’m sure you’re capable of great things. Melissa: Goodbye, Kieran Me: I’ll text you later with specifics.

Melissa: You better be talking about the date. I laughed out loud and didn’t give a shit who heard me. Me: Of course. Melissa: I meant it when I said I liked you too much. Melissa: Don’t ruin it. My grin amplified along with my pulse as the words formed behind my eyes like I imagined paint and ink did for Liam and Declan. I didn’t care how it seemed, or if it made me look weak. She’d given me back the syllables, the letters, and I wanted her to have them all. I wanted each goodbye to be hers, to resonate. I didn’t know her well, but I think… I think my soul did. Me: I want to know it, the adventure of you, your love, and your horizons, peaked with sharp edges, the cut fits and feels, and I bow at the feet of what could be. I pressed send without any regard for my heart, for my own sanity. I knew she wouldn’t reply, and I knew I couldn’t wait two days. “Hey, Liam, you think Kelly would let you off her chain for the night?” I hollered and he scowled. “Why?” he asked as he approached me. “I want to go out.” “Why?” he asked again, seeing through my bullshit. “She works at a bar.” He exhaled an annoyed breath. “I think I could persuade her. Did Mel invite you?” I set my eyes on his, no shame, no fear. I was going after what I wanted. “No.” Liam’s face softened, and his smile shouted, it’s about fucking time. “I’ll call Kelly and tell her I’ll be late.” He gripped my shoulder. “Amen, little brother.”



I bow at the feet of what could be. Kieran’s last message had been on repeat in my head all day. I’d been half-awake for the lunch shift I’d worked for my sister today because I’d been dreaming in his words. I was used to nightmares, self-doubt, and shame. Kieran was making it hard to keep holding on to the safety net I’d cast around myself. I’d stumbled through the day on love-drunk legs and, at one point, after I’d forgotten yet another item on someone’s order, my father had given me a look that sobered me in an instant. His eyes had kept their soft creases, but the accusation had been there. Is she high? I’d kept my shit together for the rest of the day. But tonight, I was dragging, lost in thoughts of him, his words, his mouth, how he’d become the teacher, and I’d become the student. He’d kissed me in a way I wasn’t used to. Like he was desperate to hold on, clinging to those precious pieces Chance had left undisturbed. We needed more. More time, more air, I was his breath, and he was mine. I raised my fingers to my lips, felt the slight sting of his stubble, and closed my eyes. Did I deserve to feel this happy? Did I deserve a guy like him? “Hey, babe. Can I get Bud Light?” My eyes opened and locked on the customer across the bar. He appraised me with boredom as if I was taking up his time. I nodded my head and sucked in a deep breath of sweat, sex, and coconut. The pink overhead lights lit his pale face and, without a doubt, I had the answer to my question. No. I did not deserve a guy like Kieran. I would ruin his playful smile and harden his sweet lips, and I didn’t know if I could survive the death of all that good. I grabbed a bottle of beer from the cooler and handed it across the bar. He threw down a five, and I watched as he walked over to the table that had kept me and the trainee

running our asses off all night. It was a typical Friday night. A mix of college kids, husbands “out with friends,” and the usual businessmen. But there was also a huge bachelor party and those dicks most likely would close the place down. Dacia was giving them fake smiles as she finally escaped and made her way over to the bar. She was wearing The Western’s standard uniform, not counting the pasties and Gstrings on stage. The bar staff got to wear boy-cut, black, spandex shorts, so short they looked almost like underwear, and a white, halter top, spaghetti strap tank that revealed more stomach than I was comfortable with. A small pink cowboy hat sat just above my left breast with The Western Lounge written in a curlicue, rope-type font. The material was practically see through, and of course, no bras allowed. It was no wonder customers thought our flesh was for sale. “I hate these fucking uniforms,” Dacia complained, and I laughed without humor. “Don’t like getting touched, hit on, get a job at Olive Garden.” I smirked and she bit back her retort. “It’s a strip club, what did you expect?” I should’ve asked myself the same thing every time a guy got handsy and I about ripped his dick off, but after everything, I figured I was just being sensitive. She worried her bottom lip as she considered me. It was easy to tell she didn’t like what she saw, and that was fine, I was leaving this hellhole. Her lips released from her teeth with an audible pop. “I know it’s a strip club, but Jaime should have more security.” He kept his security guards on a leash. Off-duty cops who turned a blind eye to the illegal lap dances held in the back room. But she was right. There were too many times when dances turned into more than the girls could handle, I should know, and sometimes when he’d staff security too light, things got ugly really fast. I eased the set of my lips and her features relaxed, as well. “This is a hard job, but you’ve done really great tonight. It’s fucking nuts and you held your own, you can do this.” My smile was genuine when I said, “And if shit gets crazy, ask for Juan, he’s the cop who’s always watching the back door, he likes to break bones.” Her laughter was nervous, but she grabbed a few glasses and gave me a wry grin. “Well, that table wants another round, and it’s your turn.” I sighed. “Just watch out for the guy on the right, he’s a real gentleman.” I lifted my gaze to the table, but it was hard to see in the low light. “Which one?” “He’s the only one with a tie on. You can’t miss him.” “Thanks,” I said as I loaded the tray with the few drinks she’d already made. Once all the drinks were ready, I slipped into a cold mask of indifference. No matter what these guys did, said, touched, I had to keep it cool. I was out of here in a little over two weeks. I kept my hand steady and set the men’s drinks onto the table. Their eyes were too busy ogling the devil on the stage to notice me. Bow at the feet of what could be. His words crashed into me as I placed a gin and tonic in front of one of the men. Isn’t

that what these guys were doing, bowing at the feet of some strange woman who was capable of wielding magic and promises she’d never ever keep? Is that what I was doing? I was a liar dancing in front of him in fake skin. “Hey, I remember you.” The voice wobbled and slurred, and when I turned my head to look at him, all the warmth in my body evaporated into the thick air. The man with the tie. The guy I was supposed to watch out for. He did know me, and he’d already defiled my flesh, my bones. I ignored him, set his drink in front of him, and moved to leave when he grabbed my waist. Bile stormed its way up my throat. “Don’t touch me,” I bit through clenched teeth sending the table of men into a fit of laughter. He removed his hands, and before I could escape his knowing gaze, he asked, “How much for a blow job this time?” I let my eyes linger on his features, his skin had aged, his eyes had worn. I’d given him a lap dance once, and he’d paid me extra to get him off with my hand. I’d been off drugs for a couple days, but the sickness had started to bleed into my edges, and I’d sold another piece of my soul. His friends were watching me with eager eyes that devoured my mouth and it covered me in dirt. “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but proposition another girl and I’ll cut your balls off and hand you over to the owner.” The table erupted with a mixture of laughter, oohs and ahhs, but I couldn’t take pleasure in my victory. Because when I turned around, familiar, beautiful, blue eyes that had no business being in a place like this, stared at me with confusion. Kieran was looking at me, his eyes wandering over my exposed body. His shoulders were rigid, his brows drawn into a heavy crease. He didn’t have to say anything. I felt it. Why is she here? Why is she dressed like that? Liam’s smile died when he looked at me and then his brother. He said something to Kieran I couldn’t hear and then shot me a glare that burned the flesh from my bones. It was enough to make my legs weak. It wasn’t until they both turned to leave that I fractured completely. Humiliation held me by the ankles. The sharp wire of disgrace wrapped up my legs. Fear was my escape. Fear of never seeing him again. Fear of losing my new job before I actually got to start it. I was afraid that if he left here, and never spoke to me again, all the locks and bolts I’d placed on the beast, the walls I’d built, wouldn’t hold. I wasn’t that fragile. But everyone has a breaking point. My hope, it was almost to the front door, almost out of my life as quick as it had swept in, so I snapped the wires and moved. “Kieran…wait.” I called out to him.

They both stopped and faced me. He was close enough his scent started to clean away the smell of this place. “Does Kelly know you’re a fucking stripper?” Liam’s tone was filled with betrayal just like Kieran’s eyes. I ignored Liam and kept my gaze on those soft blue eyes, those eyes that had turned sad so quickly. “I’m not a stripper.” Not anymore. I took a step closer, and when Kieran didn’t step back I continued, “I should’ve told you.” “You did,” he said but didn’t smile when he broke my gaze and nodded his chin to the bar. The rapid beat of my heart, the pressure, it was suffocating me. “I should’ve told you I tended bar at a strip club, but I was—” “Embarrassed?” he asked, and the emotion gathered in my throat. I gave him one quick nod. “I have to take a piss,” Liam announced, and even if it was rude, I was thankful for the moment to be alone with Kieran. Liam walked away toward the back and Kieran appraised his surroundings. A new dancer had just queued her music, the place was rowdy as the seductive beat hovered over their tables. He was seeing parts of me, the grit, the smut, I could no longer hide. “I need a drink,” he said to no one in particular. “I’ll make you one.” He lowered his chin, his eyes on me again, and I gave him a small smile. He exhaled a weary breath and took my hand. His touch almost causing the dam to burst. It was absolutely out of control for me to feel so emotional over a guy I’d gone on one date with. One spectacular, perfect, magical, breathtaking, date that I’d never in a million years deserved, but I felt it and I couldn’t stop it. My heart was in my throat and my eyes were stinging and the pressure in my chest dispersed into the room as I exhaled a shuddered breath. We didn’t say a word as we walked over to the bar. Dacia was staring at us like she’d never seen something so interesting in all her life. “Have a seat,” I offered as I released his grip. I’d made it to the other side of the counter when he asked me for a beer. The wood bar top was the division between reality and fiction. A line I should’ve drawn when I realized he was one of the good guys. “How long have you worked here?” he asked. I handed him a beer, and Dacia left to run the floor, but not before giving Kieran a flirty smile. I let it slide. I was too nervous to get all possessive. Kieran tipped the bottle to his lips and took a deep pull. I watched him try to swallow down this night.

His body language was cautious as I answered, “About seven years.” He licked his lips, rubbed his jaw with his hand, and heat pooled in my cheeks when his eyes dusted along the obvious curve of my breasts beneath my shirt. Each one of his breaths came quicker than the last, and I wasn’t sure if he was turned on or angry. “I hate it here,” I admitted. “It’s why I’m trying to… better my situation.” He cocked his brow. “Your situation?” I had to be careful. My past was an everlasting minefield, and I didn’t want him marching over it. It was always better to tread slowly, and besides, as much as I liked him, my life was my mess and mine alone. “It’s a long story.” “I’ve got all night.” I grit my teeth and he clenched his jaw. “It’s not the place, I’m—” “Sorry to break up your social hour, but I need a drink.” The asshole from the party wiggled his glass. The ice clinked dry against the surface as he placed it onto the bar. I prayed for strength, and I prayed the look on Kieran’s face would settle. His caution was starting to look more like anger as he bore holes into the side of the guy’s head. The idiot smiled at Kieran. It was sloppy and smug. “She gives an amazing hand job, but is slow as hell with the drinks.” “You didn’t just fucking say that?” Kieran was ready to murder and the blood drained from my body. He shoved the guy’s chest with his palms and stood. He towered over the dead man and, in my shock, I let it happen. I let him defend the honor I never had. “Don’t fucking touch me.” The guy was drunk, he didn’t register the rage that was pooling between him and Kieran. “Don’t talk shit.” Kieran’s voice was a still lake, but his hand balled into a fist as the guy stepped closer. He looked at me, and then at Kieran as he said, “You didn’t know? This place… all the girls here will give you something extra if you got the money. But she was by far my favorite.” It was too fast. Skin to knuckle. Muscle and blood. The guy kept pushing, pushing, and all I could do was yell, “Stop… Stop!” My voice broke and Kieran’s eyes found mine. He looked at me, something dark in his eyes searching for the dark in my own, and it was quiet, it was right. But the second was too long. It had given the other guy time to stand, time to strike back, and he landed a poorly placed punch. Kieran was about to throw another hit, but Liam grabbed him from behind with security right on his heels. My boss at the helm.

Jaime was furious. “What the hell’s going on?” “This fucking asshole attacked me,” the guy said. He was sobered by the blood that dripped from his nose. Kieran just stared at him and seethed. “He’s been handsy all night, Jaime. Propositioned me for a blow job,” I said as I came around to the other side of the bar. “Yeah, and he asked me the same thing.” Dacia walked over with her serving tray in hand and spit on him. “Pig.” She was my new favorite person. The man’s face turned beet red. And when Liam laughed, Juan tightened his hold. All three of the guys were being held now, arms behind their back, security finally “subduing” the problem. “He was watching out for us, Jaime.” I tipped my head to Liam. “And that’s his brother, he was trying to break up the fight.” “You know these two?” Jaime asked and I nodded. “Get this piece of shit out of my club, and if you ever come here again I’ll have you arrested.” Security dropped their hold on Liam and Kieran and helped remove the problem from the premises. Jaime gave me a disapproving glare before he walked away, leaving me to stew over the interrogation I’d no doubt have to endure before I left tonight. Liam grumbled under his breath, looked at Dacia and asked, “Can I get a shot of Jameson?” Kieran’s eyes widened. “Don’t fucking look at me like that, you’re the one getting into a bar fight… at a strip club.” Liam’s lips spread into a smile as he took a seat at the bar and Kieran exhaled a laugh. Kieran’s knuckles were bleeding, his eyes were a little wild, and my stomach had joined my heart in my throat. This wasn’t funny, and it was all my fault. “You’re bleeding.” I lifted his hand and we both assessed it in silence. After I’d taken a few quick breaths, stolen his scent into my lungs, I said, “I have a first aid kit in the back.” He linked his fingers with mine despite the pain I was sure it was causing him. His knuckles were swollen, bruises already forming. We were in the back room, the same room I’d once lived in, the same place I almost died when he said, “You should’ve told me.” I didn’t dare look at him as I released his hand. I didn’t respond as I opened the cabinet doors under the sink, grabbed the first aid kit, and then turned on the water. Coward. I was a coward with my back turned, my head down. His body was shadow and I let it cover me. He was close. Breathing fire. And without even realizing, I’d let a few tears fall down my cheeks. I faced him and two points of heat lifted my chin. His fingertips tilted my head back, exposed me… held me.

“You could’ve told me.” He rested his palm on my cheek and I let him. It was hard to find your voice when a man looked at you like you were the first woman he had ever wanted. “I was ashamed.” I pulled away from his palm and turned to the sink. I grabbed a rag from the drawer, wet it, and took another even breath as I faced him again. “It’s not something you bring up on a first date.” My voice faded as I spoke, and I lightly lifted his hand, touching the cloth to his broken skin. He held his hand still, but hissed as I blotted away the blood. “I don’t care that you work at strip club.” He didn’t know everything, and again that black hole I was digging deepened. “I saw your face, you were pissed. You almost left.” I kept my voice steady, strong, and rinsed the rag. My hands were fumbling with the first aid kit when he grasped my waist. My pulse skipped, tripped, and restarted. His breath tickled my neck. “I thought you’d lied. I figured you’d only told me you were a bartender to hide that you were a stripper.” He turned me gently at the hips, so close I had to lean my head back just to look into his eyes. “Lies… it’s a deal breaker for me. I don’t lie, and I’ll never lie to you.” He framed my face with his hands and my lips began to shiver with the truth. Lies were what I was built on. Lies were the cells and structure of my DNA. “I told you the truth about a lot of things last night, I trust you, and I want you to trust me.” “Kieran this… I can’t—” He pressed one soft kiss to the corner of my mouth. Stole the truth from my lips before I was able speak it. “Trust is won and I want to win you,” he whispered and lowered his hands. “You don’t even know me.” His smile was sunshine and it melted the frost building inside me. “I know you’re making me crazy. I know I want to give you things… things I’ve never wanted to give before.” “You are crazy.” His thumb brushed my cheek. “I know, but it feels really fucking good.” My back pushed against the counter, the rag twisted tightly in my fist as he closed the small gap between us. His hands cradled my jaw as he kissed my top lip and then my bottom. His groan sent goose bumps down my spine as my tongue tasted his. His body was a steel cage, and I wanted to stay inside of it forever. The bass filtered in through the crack in the door, and I opened my eyes. Kieran’s eyes opened too, and he kissed me with tender lips and then pulled away. I shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t kiss him in bookstores, under moon light, against cars or even sinks. I shouldn’t want him to keep looking at me like he was now. Kieran’s grin inched up his cheeks as my blush inched up mine. His eyes told me that I was clean, that I was good, that I was worth it. The worst part of it all? I was actually starting to believe it.

The pad of his thumb trailed across my cheek. “I want you to let me in…” His smile was broad as he said, “Or at least that second date you promised. Two days. I claimed them, remember?” My lips touched my dimples and, the giggle that bubbled up my throat, belonged to a girl I hardly recognized anymore. “I remember.” He dropped his hand, and I stared at the ripped skin. “Let me finish cleaning these cuts.” “Nah…” He chuckled. “My brother’s drinking whiskey and that’s not good for anybody.” “He strikes me as the type of guy who can hold his liquor.” Shades of gray filled his irises. “No, it’s what my father used to drink.” He stared ahead as he said, “He was an alcoholic. None of us really drink more than beer. Liam does, every now and then, but we all know what we could turn into, what addiction did to our family. It’s something none of us want to deal with ever again.” Addiction. The hope I’d been able to forage from the rays of Kieran’s smile turned to dust. “I’m sorry any of you had to deal with that.” I spoke past my narrowing throat, my eyes honest for the childhood he must’ve had. “It’s okay. We survived. And we’re stronger because of it.” He smiled like he wasn’t standing next to the thing he feared the most. The thing he never wanted to go through again. I had to tell him. “Let’s go assess the damage,” I said trying to lighten the mood and set the towel in the sink. He nodded with a laugh that was unburdened, and it begged me not to make tonight any worse than it had already become. When I saw him again, I’d tell him everything. Well, that was what I told myself. I’d tell him I was the opposite of everything he was. He was trust and I was a lie. He was innocence and I was wicked. I’d tell him I was everything he hated, and then show him there was no way to win me when he’d already lost.

“I’d empty out the sea just so you could sink in me.” Hayley Stumbo~



“Oh, how the righteous have fallen.” Liam snickered as he sat in the cab of my truck. “It’s ‘oh, how the mighty have fallen’, jackass.” Liam’s laugh had the corners of my mouth twitching, but I shook my head as he shrugged. “What the fuck ever. You were just in a strip club, little brother. You hit a stranger, and the chick you’re dating was practically wearing underwear as a uniform.” He clapped my shoulder but I shoved it off. He laughed again when I started the truck. “It’s fucking hilarious.” I didn’t answer him and maybe it was the set of my jaw, but Liam left it alone. He was right, though. What the hell had just happened? Melissa worked at a strip club. My mind was still working through all that pink light and naked flesh. I’m not a stripper. She wasn’t, and I didn’t think it really mattered anyway, but she’d technically lied to me. She was a bartender, I told myself. A bartender in the hottest damn shorts I’d ever seen, and that top she had on… it wasn’t difficult to see what Mel was working with under that thin fabric. It was a testament to my own personal strength that I hadn’t immediately gotten hard when I’d looked at her. After I’d walked into the club, and I’d seen that asshole’s hand on her hip, every vessel in my body had quaked as the beat of my heart raged. It was barbaric, but the four letters had formed in my head, hovering in my brain like a dense fog of testosterone and idiocy. Mine. She wasn’t mine, though, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I’d met her at church so I assumed a lot of things, wanted a lot of things, but Melissa had told me herself that I didn’t know her, and clearly I should’ve listened. I’d let my physical need, this strange-as-hell attraction I had for her blur all the lines I’d always held

in perfect fucking rows. I liked her and I needed to focus on that instead of thinking with my dick. I cleared my throat. “Has Kelly said anything to you… you know about—” “Mel? No. I wonder if Kelly even knows she works at a titty bar.” I cringed. “The way you say it makes it sound so seedy.” “Those places are seedy, man…back room blow jobs and shit.” I eyed him. “How do you know?” “Keep your eyes on the road.” He sighed. “I just know.” My eyes widened, and I was grateful I was looking straight ahead because I wasn’t sure I wanted to see his expression. “Personally?” I asked a little incredulous. “If by personally you mean have I had my dick sucked in the back of a strip club? Then no. But I’ve been to a few clubs, and it’s not really a secret, but yeah, that shit goes down.” He chuckled. “Am I fucking up your rose-colored glasses, little man?” I let out a long breath. I didn’t know why but, the thought of my brother paying for sex, it got under my skin. If he’d taken advantage of a woman like that, there was no way I’d be able to look at him the same. I couldn’t imagine what a girl’s life would have to be like for her to think selling her body was her only option. Kelly sometimes would talk about the women who came into Lifeline all hooked on drugs, prostitutes so beaten up they had to be taken to the hospital. It’s terrible to think people live like that. I was so damn naïve. “It bothers me… that she didn’t straight up tell me. Lying by omission is still lying.” “Look, Kieran. You just met the chick. She’s not going to throw all her dirty laundry onto the table on the first date. Would you?” My laundry wasn’t necessarily dirty, but I’d told her about my virginity. I’d trusted her enough for that. But I guess that was on me, and I couldn’t hold her to my own expectation of what I wanted her to be. “No… I wouldn’t.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “You really like this chick?” he asked, and I nodded, keeping my eyes on the road. “Then you have to let her open up to you when she’s ready. Not everyone wants to confess their sins like you do.” I could feel his eyes on me as he said, “If you like her, then like all of her, no one is fucking perfect. She’s going to disappoint you, and you’ll disappoint her, but hell, if she’s worth it, you’ll get over that shit. Don’t let one lie, technicality, or whatever the fuck you want to call it stop you.” I hadn’t planned on letting it stop me. I’d meant what I’d said to her in the club. I didn’t care that she worked there, I was only pissed that she hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me. What Liam was saying made sense, though. Why would she risk her heart on a guy she’d just met? I was too easy for her, and I needed to slow myself down. “I won’t.”

Liam relaxed into the seat. “Good. Because you’re not getting any younger, kid.” I laughed and then winced when I tightened my grip on the wheel. My knuckles were swollen and split but I didn’t regret a thing. That guy deserved it. Piece of shit. Melissa didn’t deserve to be talked to that way just because she worked at a strip club. That asshole wished he could get a hand job from a woman like her. “How’s your hand?” Liam asked. “Hurts.” He chuckled again. “I bet.” “Don’t be too proud.” His laugh hitched my lips into a smile. “Oh, but I am.” I chanced a glance in his direction and, even if his expression was painted with a smartass sideways smile, his eyes never lied to me. Liam was proud, and damn it if that didn’t feel pretty awesome.

As tempted as I’d been to attend the Spanish service, like I’d teased Melissa last night via text, I didn’t intrude. I’d see her tonight and tomorrow night per our little agreement. My lips stretched into a grin as I headed toward the cathedral doors. The soft murmur of voices surrounded me with each slow step. Mr. Franks and Mrs. Detwiler were deep in conversation, and I didn’t want to be rude and shove past them. Besides, Father Becker had just spoken about how the world was changing, moving too fast, and I had to admit, for a second, I’d felt like he’d been talking to me. Shame filled my veins as I thought about how I’d asked Melissa to come home with me after our date. I couldn’t say that I hadn’t wanted her to, and I couldn’t deny that I still wished she had, but after everything that happened at the club the other night, I’d made a choice to rein myself in. I wanted her. Just thinking about what it would be like to have her poured liquid heat down my spine. She ignited forgotten temptations, setting fire to the standards I’d kept in place in order to stay chaste, in order to stay on the path I’d once believed had been my only answer. And just because I’d changed course, later than I probably should have, didn’t mean I had to throw myself into the blaze. One step at a time. I’d almost made it out of the church without getting trapped by Mrs. Detwiler, but when she turned and faced me I didn’t have a chance to avert my eyes. She was a nice lady and everything, but she always had a way of making me feel… “Kieran, did you know my daughter is coming home for Christmas next month? She’s not opposed to dating an older man.” I swallowed down my retort. Her daughter wasn’t opposed to most things, I’d heard. Guys liked to talk a big game, but the two who’d helped me organize last summer’s benefit barbecue had a lot of interesting things to say about Mrs. Detwiler’s daughter.

“I’m not sure I—” “Now don’t be shy. You were always too shy. I used to tell your mother she shouldn’t have—” “My mom was always big on letting us boys steer our own ships.” I gave her a halfhearted smile in hopes she’d take the hint. “Well… that was exactly where she went wrong. I always say…” I tuned her out as I grit my teeth. I didn’t want to hear her theories on how my mom could’ve done a better job. My mom had done what she could. Sure, she should’ve thrown my father’s ass to the curb, and maybe she should’ve put Declan in therapy sooner, instead of relying on Father Hollard, but she’d done what she’d always felt was right. Mom hated that Liam had to run the house, hated that I didn’t get to be a priest, but we all made it, we were all living and happy, and she was the one responsible for that. She’d given us everything, made us a cohesive unit. The whole “you die, I die” sort of attitude, and I’d never change a thing about it, because then I wouldn’t be… me. Without really caring if she was finished, and not really knowing what the hell she was saying anymore, I excused myself. “Always good to catch up, Mrs. Detwiler. See you next Sunday, as usual.” I gave her a wave and walked away, letting myself feel the joy her dumbfounded expression had given me. My eyes turned to slits as the sun spilled through the church doors. The cold air hit me in the chest as my feet hit the sidewalk. The sky was a deep, open blue, absent of clouds, which had made it even cooler. Liam had told me once when I was little that the clouds were like blankets keeping in the warmth. On cold days, if the sky was clear, the temperature dropped quickly. Today was no different, the frigid temperature crystallized my breath and made my eyes water. My fingertips were almost numb by the time I’d gotten into the truck. I turned on the ignition and flipped the heat to high as I pulled my phone from my pocket. Me: Can you meet me at Kangaroo Castle around seven? I smiled down at my phone like a dumbass as I awaited her reply. I had no idea if she knew where or what Kangaroo Castle was, and I sort of hoped she didn’t. The place was just a few blocks away from the university. It was open late and pandered to the collegiate crowd. A lot of the college kids went there after getting drunk at the pub a few streets over. From outside, if you looked through the storefront windows, you’d think it was a place for toddlers, and maybe it should’ve been, the huge space was filled with blow up bounce houses. The majority of the clientele, though, consisted of adults. Melissa: Kangaroo Castle… are you joking? Me: Nope. Melissa: Bounce houses? Should I bring my imaginary friend? Me: Is she hot? I huffed out a laugh and pictured her irritated smirk in my head. It was a sexy smirk.

Melissa: Your maturity level astounds me. You claimed two nights, all for you, and you pick bounce houses. Me: Come on, it’ll be fun, and then I’ll cook dinner for you at my place. I hovered my thumb over the send button. I originally was going to take her out for pizza after, to complete the whole ridiculous college date I’d never had the chance to go on, but having her all to myself, no outside distractions, a chance for her to open up, it was too tempting. I pressed send. Melissa: Are you making me SpaghettiOs, too? My lips spread ear to ear. Me: I think I might surprise you… you in? Melissa: God, help me, but I am. Me: Seven o’clock. Melissa: See you there. Me: She made him smile, and it was enough… to make him feel real in a world full of fiction. I hit send and then locked my phone. It had become a thing now, I ended every text between us with words I’d chosen only for her. I stopped worrying what she thought of them. Part of me enjoyed imagining what my words made her feel. If they scared her, made her think, made her feel… special. She was though. She was special because she was the first woman to change the season of my sentences. Thinking of her, her lips on mine, her fingers in my hair, her nails on my neck, her ass in those damn shorts from The Western, she’d turned my words into a living, breathing fire storm. Her burn had changed the color of each thought, made them speak the syllables I wouldn’t, couldn’t say aloud. Not yet. I took a deep breath, shifted the truck into drive, and reminded myself… One step at a time.



The thick waves of my hair wove through my fingers as I pulled the wayward strands into a side braid. I figured jumping up and down all night like a toddler would require a braid. I almost put my hair into pigtails, but I’d be thirty in a few months, and I was already doubting my sanity for agreeing to this shit in the first place. My make-up was minimal, just some light powder and gloss to fit my casual jeans and sweater getup. I wished it was summer because I would’ve loved to wear shorts, but I wasn’t going to freeze my ass off for comfort. When I caught my reflection in the mirror as I grabbed my phone off the bathroom sink, I noticed the color in my cheeks. The stupid grin on my face. Ever since I’d read the words “Kangaroo Castle” in the text he’d sent me, my smile had reappeared every twenty or so seconds. Kieran’s suggestion was absolutely juvenile, but I loved it. He made me feel like a kid again. I’d missed out on so much of my own adolescence, postadolescence… I’d missed out on life. In the short amount of time I’d spent with him, he’d made it easier for me to remember it was okay to live, to smile, to be… happy. There were dark stains, and maybe I’d become a worn and faded version of myself, but he was that guy… the guy who could turn even the smallest find into a treasure, into something beautiful. I threw my phone onto my bed as I sifted through my bag. I grabbed my debit card, and ID, and tucked them safely inside my back pocket, not wanting to lug my purse around all night. It was nearly six forty-five and I had to head out if I was going to make it there on time. My phone rang just as I was about to pick it up, and Maria’s name flashed across the screen. “What’s up?” I asked as I slipped on my shoes. “Hey, I’m having a minor crisis.” Maria spoke a bit breathless and worry sank into my stomach. “Is everything okay?”

“Dean wants to meet with me, and I need you to watch Jordan.” My worry soured into aggravation. “Fuck that, why?” “He didn’t give me specifics, but—” “But you just drop everything and fall at his feet. He cheated and—” “It’s about Jordan, he said he wants to talk about giving up his rights.” My aggravation turned to defeat and clogged my throat as I croaked, “But… why?” Maria’s ex-husband Dean wasn’t around much, but this would hurt Jordan. His father, for all he knew, would be giving him up. He had already been given up once. I didn’t let the thought thread through me. It was the best choice I’d ever made. “He didn’t give me details, except that he was moving and didn’t want to ship a kid back and forth across the country.” Maria’s voice wobbled. “Just tell me you can watch JoJo for a couple of hours. I don’t want to involve Mom and Dad, not right now… it’s too much…” Her voice faded and the pain in my chest multiplied. “I was just leaving, but I can be there in twenty minutes.” She sighed, relief muddled with exhaustion. “Thank you.” The phone went silent, and I stared at the wall allowing the pain to cut me open. Jordan deserved a father who gave a shit, and I thought that was what I had given him. My sister though, she was enough. Our family loved that kid. I loved that kid. And it was why I was out the door without a second thought about it. Traffic was light, as usual. Sundays in Utah meant clear roads for miles. I’d sent Kieran a quick text before I’d locked up my apartment letting him know I had to watch my nephew, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw the light blinking on my phone from where it sat on the passenger side seat. I wouldn’t let the disappointment set in. My family was my first priority, and if he couldn’t understand that, then he didn’t need to be in my life. I cringed at the words in my life. Not even on date two and I’d already started hoping for things I shouldn’t. I’d been hoping, though, since he’d kissed me in that bookstore. My car rolled to a stop just outside Maria’s place and, before I could run inside, my phone rang. Kieran’s number scrolled across the screen this time, and I smiled at his impatience. “I was driving,” I said instead of hello and he chuckled. “Sorry, I figured you were ditching me, but then you didn’t answer my text, and I thought maybe you were really ditching me.” His voice was low and deep and it smoothed all the tension from Maria’s earlier phone call. God, how did he do that? “I am ditching you… and it’s for another man, too.” I bit my lip to suppress my smile. “Ouch. He’s not better looking, though, right?” I laughed. “Only if you’re into nine-year-olds. He’ll be ten on December first so I don’t feel like I’m robbing the cradle as much.”

“And here I thought I was the only younger man in your life.” “Hey, I’m not that much older than you.” “How long do you have to watch your nephew?” he asked, changing the subject and getting right to the point. “Just a couple of hours, my sister has to talk to her ex. I wouldn’t cancel, but it’s really all kinds of fucked up.” He didn’t say anything for a few agonizing seconds. I counted four of his breaths before he finally said, “Bring him.” “Bring who? My nephew?” He was joking again. He had to be. “Yeah. What nine-year-old doesn’t love bounce houses. Bring him, and then we can drop him back at your sister’s before we head back to my place for dinner.” “You want me to bring my nephew on our date?” His quiet laughter awoke the slumbering butterflies in my stomach, and despite his crazy ass idea, I found myself smiling again. “Bring him. The place isn’t that packed on Sundays. He’ll have fun, keep him distracted from all the fucked up.” I could hear the proud grin in his voice. He was too pleased with himself for figuring out a way to make it all work. “Let me ask my sister if she cares. She may want to talk to me after she gets back from seeing her ex, may need me to cheer her up.” “Ask her and let me know.” “Okay.” “I hope I get to see you.” Me, too. “I’ll text you.” We both said our goodbyes, and I walked into Maria’s feeling a little more hopeful than I had about fifteen minutes ago.

Maria, of course, hadn’t cared that I wanted to take her “nine-year-old son out on a date” with a “strange guy” she’d “never met.” She’d actually shoved me out the door with JoJo after I’d asked her. She’d been apologetic about “ruining” my date, and hoped that Jordan wouldn’t be “too much trouble.” I swear she studied from the same book of guilt trips as my mother had. She’d been all too happy to let me take Jordan to Kangaroo Castle, but not without serving up that nice slice of guilt pie before she’d shut the door. I’d almost said fuck it, but I knew Kieran was harmless, and JoJo’s eyes had turned into saucers when I’d mentioned it. Jordan had been so eager with his, “Please, Mom” and “I never do anything fun.” I’d had to hold back my laugh when Maria had given me the evil eye.

“Is this it? Is this where we’re meeting your boyfriend?” JoJo asked as he pulled me toward the large storefront window. “He’s not my boyfriend,” I said and looked up just in time to see Kieran on the other side of the window smiling like a cat that just ate a canary. My lips lifted in response and I waved lamely. The nagging fear that he’d still have questions, the lingering anxiety about what had happened the other night faded to the background. That smile… I wrapped it up and hid it deep inside my chest alongside all the other things I never wanted to forget. “Come on, Jordan.” I led him to the door. “You have to be good, okay. Listen, and don’t run off, and when it’s time to leave no arguments.” “Rules,” he grumbled. I raised my eyebrows. “Agree or I won’t open this door.” He nodded, but I didn’t have to open the door because Kieran had already done it for me. His brows dipped and creased as he stared at Jordan. “You must be Jordan?” Kieran asked and held out his hand. Jordan took it with a shy grin. “Has anyone ever told you that you look just like your Aunt Melissa but with blue eyes?” My heart skipped and split, spilling into my gut. He was so perceptive, and usually that was a great thing for a guy to be, but right now, I was praying for him to just let us through the door. JoJo scowled. “Yeah, all the time, but no one seems to know where I got my blue eyes. Abuela said they are repressive.” Kieran opened the door wider with a bark of a laugh. “You mean recessive?” “Oh, yeah…” He held the syllable. “That’s right.” Jordan brought his palm to his face and shook his head with a deep giggle. “Thanks.” He gave Kieran another smile, but this time it was bigger. And without even trying, Kieran was in the cool kid club. “You ready for some fun?” Kieran’s light eyes met mine, and I was a girl on a date again. My legs felt gooey and my cheeks hot. The man broke through every defense with one look. I was either weak, or he was just that damn good. I gave him a quick nod and his smile was breathtaking. He acted as if I’d given him the world just by showing up. Jordan let go of my hand, running to the benches inside. He sat down and started removing his shoes like he owned the place. “Remember, you have to wait, no running off,” I scolded and Kieran slipped his hand in mine. He pressed his lips to my cheek. His kiss evaporated any lingering nerves. The familiar warmth of his hand felt nice, and I tried not to let that scare me. “He’s a good-looking guy. I would’ve ditched our date for him, too,” Kieran’s whispered words made me laugh softly. “Let’s see how much you like him in a couple of hours. The kid has way too much

energy. He always seems to make me feel old.” “You are old.” Kieran’s laugh was more like a snicker when I bumped my shoulder into his. “You’re an ass.” “Aunt Mel, you said a bad word.” “It’s only bad if it’s not true.” I winked and JoJo gave me his signature smile. It was the one he gave me when he knew I was doing something I shouldn’t. He liked that I was a rule breaker just like him. I’d always wanted to ask him, “Where do you think you got that from, little man.” But obviously, I never would. “She’s right, Jordan. I am an ass.” Jordan’s cheeks went red as he held his hands to his mouth trying to hold in his laughter. “Great, now he’ll tell my sister all we did all night was swear,” I said only so Kieran would hear me. “So far he’d be telling the truth.” I bumped him again, but with my hip this time when I said, “Babysitters of the year.” “I’d like to thank the Academy.” My laugh made Kieran’s smile grow impossibly wide. His blue eyes twinkled with mischief and, for a moment, I allowed myself to think about how different my life could’ve been if I’d had a child with a guy like him instead of with a guy like Chance. I didn’t let the future that would never be dampen my spirits. I lifted onto my tiptoes, leaned in, and kissed him on the mouth, ignoring JoJo’s gagging noises. My lips only tasted his for a quick second, but when I pulled away and looked up into his gentle eyes, he asked somewhat dazed, “What was that for?” “For asking me to bring Jordan. I don’t think another guy would’ve done that.” I let go of his hand. “Thank you.” He watched me for a moment. Something I couldn’t place flashed across his eyes, and when he said, “I wanted to see you,” it felt like much more. Kieran dropped his gaze briefly and then walked toward Jordan. “I hear the bounce house in the back has a wall we can climb, and a slide that’s supposed to be ten feet tall. You game?” “Yes!” Jordan practically screamed and jumped up from the bench, but not before flinging his shoes into a cubby hole and following Kieran like a puppy dog. I looked down and noticed, for the first time, Kieran had his shoes off too. I gave myself a minute to drink him in as he handed the guy at the entry gate three tickets, and I removed my own shoes, placing them alongside Jordan’s. Kieran was wearing dark-fitted jeans that hugged his thighs. His gray-colored thermal stretched across his shoulders, his broad back, and as he turned to look at me, I blushed.

His smile was lopsided as he teased, “You coming or you just going to stare at me all night?” I flipped him off and his head fell back as he laughed. Ink peeked out from under the low collar of his shirt, and I suddenly felt curious. He’d told me at the Halloween party that he only had one tattoo. The way his shirt clung to every muscle of his chest, his abs, it made me wish I could see what was hiding underneath. “I was looking at this guy.” I gave the ticket taker a flirty smile and he went white. Kieran leaned down, his breath tickling my ear as he whispered, “Don’t scare the poor kid.” I rolled my eyes, in spite of the goose bumps that had formed along my neck and arms. My irritation was all for show, and when JoJo put his hand in Kieran’s, my heart exploded in every direction. My chest had never felt so full. “Aunt Mel, don’t tell Mom, but I’m going to slide down the biggest slide they got.” Kieran’s chuckle was the shock my heart needed to resume its regular beat. “I wouldn’t dream of it, JoJo. Your secret is safe with me.”

“My favorite views have left me, and replaced themselves with you.” Hayley Stumbo~



It was supposed to snow tonight, and I’d always been a fan of the snow. The atmosphere outside was statically charged, and the heavy chill from earlier had dissipated into the warm before the storm. I liked how, right before a storm blew in, everything seemed more vivid. Colors stood out against the gray overcast, smells were sharper, cleaner somehow. Melissa stood out, too. There was no way I would have missed her walking by that storefront window in her deep red sweater and dark blue jeans. The sky had lowered, dipping its dark fingers between the buildings, blotting out any last remnants of the setting sun. She’d been framed by the glass, and I might’ve been crazy for thinking it, and Liam would’ve definitely called me a pussy, but I’d loved how perfect she’d looked holding her nephew’s hand, and how, for a fleeting second, I’d let myself think about what a life with her, and a child, would be like. We were about an hour and a half deep into our “double date,” and I’d let that fleeting thought filter through my head again like an idiot. It wasn’t normal, and I recognized that, but listening to Melissa and her nephew had me thinking about shit I shouldn’t. All three of us were lying on our backs, out of breath, inside a huge bounce house shaped like a beer can. After we’d been here for about fifteen minutes, I’d figured maybe this wasn’t the best place for a nine-year-old. Adult themes and rowdy college jocks were everywhere, but Melissa hadn’t seemed to really mind, and now she and Jordan were laughing hysterically and all I could do was turn my head and stare at them. Several loose strands had managed to escape from her braid, and I watched as they tickled the skin of her neck. Her caramel cheeks were pink from exertion, and her lips spread in a broad smile. I was

bewitched. Her laugh sputtered when she turned her head and caught me gawking. “What?” she asked and a cute dimple formed on her cheek. “Nothing,” I lied. I couldn’t tell her what I was thinking because it was fucking nuts. I wanted this woman way too much. Melissa cocked her brow. “Nothing?” “I like you in red.” I changed the subject. So smooth. She giggled and my heart absorbed the sound. “Yeah?” “Mm-hm.” I nodded and sat up. Jordan was watching us. His smile was quiet, and curious. He was a cool kid. Smart and funny, and I swore, he could totally pass for Melissa’s son. “Doesn’t your Aunt Melissa look pretty in red?” I asked, and Jordan’s nose pinched like he’d smelled something awful, and I had to stifle a smile. “I guess,” he said with a shrug and stood, as well. I offered Melissa my hand, and when hers slid into mine, the warm, silk touch sent a shock up my arm. She was laughing when she stood. “Thanks, kid.” Melissa was still finding her balance when I closed my fingers around her small waist. I held her with a firm grip as I lowered my mouth to her ear. My cheek brushed against hers and I felt her shiver as I whispered, “You’re fucking beautiful.” I kissed her cheek as I pulled away. “Come to think of it… red is now my favorite color.” She rolled her eyes, but the blush in her cheeks told a different story. The floor of the bounce house shifted suddenly, and Jordan’s laugh filled the small space. “Come on!” He jumped, jumped, jumped, and almost crashed into us. “He’s crazy, I don’t know how Maria does it.” Melissa gave me an apologetic look, and I just chuckled. “I like Jordan. He makes me feel young.” “Well, you are kind of immature.” She bit her lip and my eyes fell to her mouth. “And?” I asked as I let go of her waist and took a few large steps backward. She glared at my retreating form. “You know you love it.” She shook her head as Jordan grabbed her hand. “Come on! Come on! I want to jump into the foam pit before I have to go home.” I looked down at my watch. Maria had texted Melissa ten minutes ago, saying she’d be here to pick Jordan up in the next thirty minutes. It was probably for the best if we met her

outside. I was worried she’d give Melissa a ration of shit for bringing her kid to an adult establishment. “Foam pit?” Melissa asked as I bounced a few feet closer to her. She giggled as she watched me. I would never get tired of that sound. I’d bring her to all the most juvenile places in the whole city if it kept her smiling at me like she was right now. “Let’s do it.” It was about fifteen minutes later that I’d decided that Jordan really was the coolest damn kid on the planet. It was official. “I’m impressed,” I admitted as we all walked toward the front of the building. “That flip was fantastic.” Jordan looked up at me with huge blue eyes that reminded me of Declan, and something in my chest pulled at the strings attached to my heart. “It was so cool!” he shouted and Melissa laughed. “How come you didn’t flip into the foam pit like we did, Aunt Mel?” “Because I value my life.” I smirked. “She is kind of old, Jordan.” Melissa narrowed her eyes when Jordan snickered, but her lips parted into a sexy smile as she whispered under her breath, “Cabrón.” Jordan gasped and Melissa cringed. “Aunt Mel!” She frowned when I took her hand in mine. “You just won babysitter of the year award again. You’re on fire tonight,” I teased. “The kid shouldn’t even know what that word means.” Jordan ran past the ticket counter and hollered, “Mom!” A woman who looked just like Melissa, but with fuller curves, longer legs, and an aged expression stood staring at us. For a moment, I felt unsure. Should I drop Melissa’s hand? But Melissa tightened her grip as if she was reading my mind and said, “Deep breath… she doesn’t bite… hard.” Maria trapped me in her stare and then again lowered her eyes to our linked fingers. I offered her my free hand once we approached her and she took it. “This is Kieran,” Melissa said as she introduced us. “Nice to meet you, your son is freaking amazing… very adventurous.” My smile wavered when Maria’s eyes flashed with shadow. It was so quick I would have almost missed it, but then she flicked her gaze to Melissa, her voice sounding almost sad as she said, “He doesn’t get that from me. Adventure was

always Mel’s thing.” Melissa dropped my hand without a word, her face drained of color and laughter, and moved to the shelves that housed our shoes. I was missing the point, and the tension was thick in the air, but Maria’s smile grew as her eyes floated along my body and then back to my face. “Thanks for letting Jordan crash your date.” “Mom, I did a full flip into the foam pit,” he boasted and I chuckled as I rumpled his hair. Maria’s face lit with warmth, the hard lines around her eyes softened at the gesture. “You did?” His head fell forward and backward with dramatic animation. “Yes, and then Kieran did, too, but Mel wouldn’t.” Melissa handed me and Jordan our shoes, and when I looked down, hers were already on. “You wouldn’t?” Maria asked Melissa, her brow cocked with disbelief. “Someone had to be the adult tonight,” Melissa said, and I was happy to hear the humor had returned to her tone. The familiar, sassy sound of her voice drew my eyes to hers, but inside the usually warm brown color, something was off, and unease unfurled inside my stomach. Melissa wouldn’t look at me as we said goodbye to Jordan and her sister. I told Jordan we had to hang out again, and Maria agreed as she shook my hand, giving her sister a pointed stare. I saw Melissa shake her head in my peripheral vision. Maybe it was some girl code, some secret sister approval shit I didn’t know about. Maybe they were having a silent conversation about me, either way, it made me nervous. Once Maria and Jordan disappeared through the front doors, I slipped on my shoes and asked, “Ready for dinner?” She didn’t answer right away. Melissa watched her nephew and sister until they passed by the window. She exhaled and swallowed a couple of times, and finally said in a thick voice, “Sure.” She offered me a small smile and moved toward the door. “Hey.” I reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. “You okay?” My brows furrowed when she swallowed deeply again. “I’m great.” Her smile was shaky, but at least it was there. “I’m just hungry.” “Good, because the recipe I have for my mother’s stew makes enough for a family of five.” Her laugh brought color back into her cheeks and removed the anxiety from my shoulders. But that was short lived, because once we were outside she dropped my hand. The heat evaporated from my skin leaving a cold distance between us as I walked her to

her car.

Melissa was quiet and I’d hoped whatever had been bugging her would have been cured by my mom’s famous Guinness stew. We were both sitting at the breakfast bar in my apartment in silence. Melissa was slowly stirring her spoon through her bowl, and I watched as the steam lifted and hovered above her food. I cleared my throat and plastered on my best easy-going smile. “So, do you plan on telling me what’s on your mind? Because as much as I love a good awkward silence…” She looked up at me with big brown eyes, her lips curling up at the corners, and said, “I’m a fan of awkward silence, didn’t I tell you?” She sucked on her bottom lip, trapping her nervous smile and I chuckled. “Actually, you left that part out.” My smile dimmed. “Everything okay?” “I’m just nervous, I think.” “Or you hate the stew?” My eyes flicked to her bowl. Melissa finally gave me a real smile. “Hell no, this is actually really good.” “You sound amazed…” “I wasn’t expecting this. You’re a single guy who took me to a bounce house place, I figured all I’d get was pizza or the standard guy spaghetti.” My head tipped back as I laughed. “Standard guy spaghetti?” She giggled and all that worry I’d been chewing on disappeared. “Yeah, my ex… it was the only thing he could cook.” She scooped a spoonful of stew into her mouth and I ignored the “ex” statement for the moment as I said, “My mom taught me how to cook. Declan was always… off in his own world, and Liam was too busy supporting our family, so I got stuck helping Mom cook, but I’m glad for it.” “I used to cook all the time, too. My father taught me all the family recipes, and when I was little, Maria and I would help him in the kitchen at the restaurant. I’ll have to make you dinner sometime.” She avoided my eyes, keeping her head down, and thick lashes dusted her cheeks as she blinked. “I’d like that. Chinese has always been my thing, but Liam finally dragged me to the food truck down the street for tacos a couple of weeks ago. Holy shit, the food was amazing.” “I’ll make you my pork carnitas tacos. Those food trucks can be authentic, but… I’ll win you over.” She already had. “I’ll hold you to it.”

She actually snorted, which made me smile like an idiot. “I have no doubt,” she said and then scooped another spoonful of stew into her mouth. I took a few bites, mulling over my next question. Melissa knew pretty much everything about me. I was an open book, always had been. My life was simple. I’d give her a tour of my small apartment later, maybe even the shop, but right now, I wanted the spotlight on her, I needed to get inside her head. “How long were you with your ex?” I asked with as much nonchalance as I could muster. The spoon in her hand hovered over the bowl for a second before she lowered it. “A long time,” was all she offered. I exhaled a long breath and she looked at me. “I just want to know you,” I said and her brows dipped. “I met Chance when I was sixteen… we… we got into a lot of trouble together, but he was all I knew, for a very… very long time. We were together until he died seven years ago.” Melissa’s eyes held mine and my mouth went dry. “Shit, I’m… sorry.” The deep coffee color of her eyes shimmered and she looked toward the kitchen window. I followed her gaze and it was then I realized it had started to snow. Big, fat flakes were falling through the yellow light of the street lamps outside. It was like someone had dumped a bucket of feathers just beyond the glass. “Don’t be. He was lucky he didn’t die sooner.” She sucked in a jagged breath and turned to face me. “He overdosed.” She said it like it was a confession. Her eyes were wide, waiting for my verdict, waiting for absolution. “On purpose?” I could hardly speak. Visions of Declan’s suicide attempt assaulted me. The anger, the fear I’d originally felt when he’d tried to take his own life, pumped the chambers of my heart in rapid succession all over again. Melissa shouldn’t have had to deal with that… no one should. A tear spilled over and ran down her cheek. “I don’t think so… but I don’t really know for sure.” Her shoulders fell, her posture sinking along with my heart. “He liked to party… and I guess he’d partied too hard that night.” She wet her lips, and I cupped her cheek, my thumb wiping away her tear. “He wasn’t happy though, neither one of us had been happy for a long time.” I wanted to know more. I wanted to know every horrible detail, but she leaned into my hand and closed her eyes. “I don’t want to talk about Chance,” she whispered. “Okay.” I kept my voice steady and she opened her eyes. I brushed my thumb along the hot skin of her cheek one more time, my lips pressed against her forehead, and when I pulled back, her face was weary. “It’s been seven years, Kieran. He’s dead, and my past is unchangeable, so I’d rather not revisit my old ghosts. They can stay dead with him.”

The words were on the tip of my tongue, all the questions bubbled in my chest. Her past was just as important as her future. It had made her into the person who was sitting next to me on this stool, and as far as I could tell, she was strong as hell. “You’re right, the past is unchangeable, but I hope you know, whoever you were then, doesn’t matter to me, it’s just another piece of you, and I want to see all the pieces, Melissa, good or bad.” When she wouldn’t meet my gaze, I stood from the stool. I wanted her to look at me again. I wanted those eyes to smile, her cheeks to match the rose color of her sweater, so I decided I’d pried enough for one night. “I’m going to grab another beer. Can I grab you another bottle of water?” Her head lifted, all the dark clouds of her history parted and let her light shine through. She smiled up at me, relief easing the set of her spine. “Another water would be great.” My hand wrapped around the back of her neck as I leaned down and kissed her like I’d wanted to all night. Her lips were salty, but her tongue was sweet as it swept across my lips. A soft breath warmed my mouth as I pulled away. She pinned the corner of her lip with her teeth as I stood to my full height. “After we’re done eating, I’ll give you the grand tour, and if you want we can go downstairs and I’ll show you the shop.” I glanced at the window. “Well, if the weather lets up.” “I hope it does. I hate driving in the damn snow. My tires are basically a death trap.” My heartbeat roared in my chest as an idea formed on my lips. “You should stay here if it doesn’t stop. I don’t want you to have to drive in this weather. Or I can take you home, bring you your car in the morning.” Melissa raised her eyebrows. “You’re not driving in this either. I’d feel like an asshole making you drive back and forth.” Her scowl was cute as I handed her a bottle of water and then twisted the cap off my bottle of beer. “Plus, you’ve been drinking. I’ll be fine. Born and raised in the snow.” I sat down and playfully pulled on her braid. “Sorry, chick, you’re stuck with me for the night, there’s no way in hell I’d let you leave in a blizzard.” “Is this some elaborate scheme to get into my panties?” she asked and I almost spit my beer across the counter. I coughed on the bitter ale with a laugh as I asked, “Am I that obvious?” She shoved my arm, and I smiled. The heavy weight that had plagued us on and off throughout the night was gone. “If I stay I’ll sleep on the couch.” “Not happening, I’ll sleep on the couch and imagine how hot you look in the shirt I’ll let you borrow, lying in my bed, all wrapped up in my sheets.” She blushed, and I gave her a cocky grin. “Nah.” Melissa sipped her water, her lips spreading into a smile as the bottle fell from her mouth. “I’ll sleep on the couch and imagine how hot you look, lying in your bed, half

naked, thinking about how I’m just a hallway away… half naked, too.” Well, fuck.

“Evening chasers don’t make friends with gods of the daylight, that’s not how this works.” Hayley Stumbo~



“This painting is wicked,” Melissa called out from the living room. I was in the kitchen cleaning up dinner. Melissa had finally given up after I refused her help about nine times. My head was still wrapping around the fact it was a complete whiteout and Melissa would no doubt be sleeping here. It was easy to tease her and for her to tease me about sleeping arrangements but, deep down, I was freaking-the-fuck out while also mentally thanking God for the chance to be trapped with her. Explain that… “Declan’s the painter, right? And his girlfriend?” she asked. Her eyes fixed on the painting that hung above my writing desk. “Yeah. They’re both crazy talented, but Declan painted that piece.” He’d recently given it to me. It was a portrait of a man’s profile. His face was gaunt white and his mouth spilled bright red words. The words made no sense, and the man didn’t look like anyone I knew, but I wondered if he’d given me a portrait of himself. I chose to hang it over my desk as inspiration for when I felt blocked. I wiped my hands on a dish rag and stepped into the living room. Melissa’s eyes were no longer on the painting. Her head was dipped down in deep concentration scanning the page of my journal that I’d accidentally left open. I shoved my hands into my pockets, along with my fear. I didn’t care if she read my words, I only cared what she would make of them. She was gorgeous standing in my living room. Her lips plump, parted, and moving as

she whispered the poem to herself. The same poem I’d written yesterday. The warm light of the lamp surrounded her silhouette, turned her skin from caramel to chocolate, and God, I wanted to touch her. Hear her say my words out loud. “Read it,” I said not recognizing the husky sound of my voice. A soft gasp. A step backward. And when she looked at me, her eyes were filled with alarm. “I shouldn’t have… I mean…” I moved toward her and Melissa’s lips started to tremble. I thought about kissing them, but hearing her read for me was more of a temptation. “I don’t mind,” I said and she turned to the desk again. My arms folded around her waist, and I pulled her to my chest. The heat of her back soaked through my shirt. I leaned down and whispered into her ear, “Read it, Melissa.” I could feel how fast she was breathing, and each soft pant of air that passed her lips caused my heart to pump harder. “She is… guise and dazzling. Lust and sex. Simple and sinful. Chance and repentance. Hopeful and so, so real.” Her breath hitched as I lowered my lips to her ear and read along with her. “She is truth and logic. Pure and admirable. She is love, just love. Alive within the ink, and the heavy weight of the moon. Dark and full. Follow her…” Melissa’s voice caught in her throat so I finished the sentence for her. “And she will bring you the galaxy.” The room was quiet, the only sound was our breathing and the rumble of my own thundering pulse. My face felt hot, the blood in my veins on fire. I wanted her to read it again, and then maybe turn the page and just keep going. Her voice had been hesitant but, the way her accent had rolled the words over her tongue, sexy didn’t cover it. Melissa reading my poetry was foreplay. “Say something,” I said, and my mouth was so close to her neck that the tiny hairs on her soft skin stood. “I don’t deserve this.” Melissa’s tone was morose, and I didn’t like the sad quality of it. “Who said this was about you?” I joked, trying to thin her mood. She tried to wiggle from my hold, but I turned her around instead, bringing her to my chest. Her cheeks matched her red sweater, and if I wasn’t mistaken, her eyes were glittering with suppressed emotion. I brought my palms to her cheeks and tilted her head back, forcing her to face me, to let me in. “It’s about you.” Her eyes fluttered closed. “Why?” I lowered my right hand and rubbed my thumb over her top lip. “I can’t help how you make me feel. I’ve never allowed myself to just dive in before. But I want to. Melissa,

you’ve given me back something I’d thought I’d lost.” She opened her eyes, and the usual brown had been stoked to a brilliant amber. “Before I met you… after my mom passed, I could barely find the words to write a sentence. But looking at you, kissing you, you inspire me. I can’t hold the words back anymore.” Her lips played with me. The corners moving slowly into a smile. “You deserve these words, fuck, you deserve them all.” I dipped down and captured her mouth before she could protest. Her lips were wet and warm and, as she opened for me, I groaned. Her tongue tasted mine, and I felt her body relax, felt it melt against me, and I hoped she believed what I’d said. It was true, I hardly knew her, but she pulled the letters from my fingertips and heated my blood. She was a white-water rapid and I’d been pulled into her current. I was drowning in everything that she was, the physical power she held over me. I was a novice, and I would never be able to navigate her. She pulled my bottom lip through her teeth and then licked it softly before she slanted her mouth over mine again. My fingers lifted her sweater, eager to touch her. She wrapped her hands into my hair as she leaned up onto tipped toes sealing off any remaining space between us. I didn’t think. All I could do was feel. I held our bodies together, and she whimpered when the pressure of my hard dick pressed into her stomach. My hands cupped her ass, begging for friction, begging for anything, and a low growl rumbled in my throat when she rocked against me. “Shit,” she gasped as she pulled away from my mouth. My grin was greedy as I took stock of her features. Her cheeks were splotched with red, her lips swollen, and her chin rubbed raw from my stubble. “If you read the next page do I get to try for second base?” I asked with a lopsided smile and she shoved my chest, effectively breaking our connection. I suddenly wished I’d left the smartass at the door, because I didn’t like how far away she was from me now. “How are you twenty-seven?” “Mentally… I’m still a freshman in college,” I offered and she giggled. “At least you’re honest.” “Come here.” I reached out and laced our fingers. I pulled her against me again, and with my free hand, I dusted her cheek, her jaw, and then her mouth. “You’re not going home tonight.” “Kieran, I think—” I kissed her two more times, devouring her denial. “I’m not ready either,” I finally admitted. My body was full on, five-alarm ready, but I didn’t want to rush her, and I didn’t want to rush myself. “I want you to stay because the weather is shit, not because I want to get laid.” Her sculpted left brow raised and I chuckled. “I want to be with you, Mel. Hell, like yesterday, but it’s like you said the other night… I like you too much.” She laughed. “You do?”

“Mm-hm,” I mumbled against her lips and then swept my tongue across the seam of her mouth. She let me in again, easy, and slow. I skimmed my palms under her sweater mapping the soft curve of her hips and then her stomach. Her skin erupted under my touch as I placed kisses along her jaw, her neck, and sucked on her earlobe. She was putty and hell if I didn’t feel like the master of the damn universe. “Want to watch a movie?” I whispered. She exhaled a shaky breath. “Sure.” I let her go reluctantly, but linked our hands again. “T.V. is in the bedroom, might as well get comfy for the night.” “The bedroom.” Humor sparkled in her eyes. “Yup. But don’t worry, I won’t touch you… too much.”

We were sitting on my bed, about thirty minutes into The Princess Bride, which Melissa said she’d never seen, to which I’d told her she had to tell Father Becker this sad bit of sacrilege on Wednesday in confession, because, frankly, that shit just wasn’t okay. But I’d only been able to distract myself with outrage for Melissa’s lack of movie prowess for about five minutes. Because, once she walked out of the bathroom and back into my bedroom, with her hair down, her bare thighs exposed in my boxer shorts, I hadn’t been sure if I would be able to adhere to the no touching policy. I’d found an old pair of boxers in the back of my underwear drawer, and I had no idea how hot she would look wearing them with my old University of Utah t-shirt. I kept peeking glances at her legs, and I wondered if Melissa was internally combusting, too. Liam would say go big or go home, and damn it, I should have probably talked to Declan more about this stuff, but I banked my nerves and placed my hand on her thigh just above her knee. She leaned into me, her eyes on the television and laughed softly at something going on with the movie. This moment felt natural. She fit perfectly at my side, and her skin under my palm was just the beginning of something better, something great. I could smell her hair. That jasmine scent infiltrated my brain, and I knew I wouldn’t keep my eyes on the movie much longer. My thumb started tracing circles on her skin, trailing a little higher, daring myself to take another inch or two. I did. Melissa turned her head slightly. She wasn’t watching the movie anymore either. I wet my lips and exhaled as I brought my eyes to hers. The room was dark, the light of the screen flickered, and created shadows across her face and eyes. She worried her lip, her eyes on my mouth, and the marked rise and fall of her chest clued me in. She wanted this just as badly as I did. I was about to lean in for a kiss when she moved. She lifted herself onto her knees and, in one fluid movement, she was straddling me. I couldn’t breathe. My heart was in my

throat, and when she locked me in her gaze, I was a lamb willing and ready to be slaughtered. “Melissa—” She cut me off with her mouth. Soft lips and hard kisses. She moaned when my grip found her backside and tugged her closer. My hands slipped easily under the hem of the boxers. She rocked her hips at my urging and framed my face with her hands, deepening the kiss. I kneaded the flesh of her ass and savored the taste of her tongue as it dipped and danced with mine. Any chaste or moral thought I’d had vanished when she pressed down onto my dick and shuddered. A desperate sound growled from my lips, and I grasped her hips to keep her still. Lazy kisses, wet kisses, hot breath, and holy shit, all I wanted was relief, but I was a horny teenager trapped inside a man’s body, and I had no idea what to do with the creature on top of me. I wanted to feel her, feel between her legs, taste her, and then fall inside of her and never come out. “I want to touch you.” My voice was gravel as I pulled from her mouth. “Okay,” she said with a hint of her own fear, and a shy smile. She took my hand in hers and brought it to her breast. My throat bobbed, and I thumbed her hard nipple through the thin cotton of her shirt. She closed her eyes, and I sat up straight and nipped her jaw. I palmed her other breast and licked her pulse with my tongue. She made a needy little sound, and I smiled against the groove between her neck and shoulder. “Can I touch you?” she asked, and when I leaned back, her eyes were open, her lip pinned between her teeth. I had a feeling she wouldn’t have asked a normal guy, a guy who wasn’t as inexperienced as me, and I tried to not let that bother me. I wanted her to touch me. I wanted her to give me everything. I nodded and her hands curled around the bottom of my shirt and pulled it up. I dropped my hold on her and lifted the shirt over my head. I tried not to act too pleased at the widening of her eyes as she devoured my muscles with her stare. I watched her cheeks go from pink to scarlet, and I one hundred percent, without a doubt, knew red was my favorite color. She raised tentative fingertips to my skin, and I shivered as she traced the ink on my neck down to my chest. “This is the only tattoo you have? A rosary?” she asked giving me bashful eyes. “Yes.” I brushed my thumb along her chin. I couldn’t stop touching her. “I’m not sure if I’ll ever want another one. Whenever I have doubts, or if I feel like I’m stumbling, losing my way, praying the rosary… it always brings me peace.” I placed my hand over hers where she’d rested it against my chest. I had faith. I wouldn’t deny that… that I loved my church, but I was happy being a man, too. “Having a rosary permanently placed on my skin, for me, it’s a powerful symbol, and it may sound stupid, but it helps me remember I’m not alone.” Melissa leaned in and kissed the corner of my mouth. “I don’t think it’s stupid at all.” She kissed my top lip. “I think it’s kind of sexy.”

I chuckled against her mouth. “You sure it’s not my abs?” She playfully nipped my lips. “Those are fucking sexy, too.” “Yeah?” She rolled her hips and I shut up. She smiled, her lips spreading across mine, and ran her fingers down my chest. Slow, so achingly slow, and when she teased the waistband of my sweats I wasn’t sure I wanted to stop her from the descent. Her fingers dipped just below the elastic, sweeping the tip of my dick, and every muscle in my stomach contracted. My fingers fisted in her hair and my tender kiss transformed into rough waves. My tongue plunged into her mouth, demanding her attention, demanding that she do that again. I should have stopped her, kissed her a few more times, watched the movie, and then went to bed, but her hand slipped all the way down, her fingers finding a firm grip around my length, and all my morals, my chivalry, flew out the fucking window. My fingers clenched the strands of her hair tighter as she moved her fist, pumping once and then again. Some unintelligible, guttural noise echoed in the room, and I was sure it was me, but I didn’t care. This felt good, she felt good. My heart was pounding with each touch she gave me. Feeling… feeling, I was feeling, and her tongue was on mine. I was lost, about to crash over that blissful edge, and I craved it, fuck, I needed it, but I grabbed her hand and stopped her. “Why did you—” My lips crashed into hers and when I pulled away again she was breathless. Her eyes were dark, and hooded, and held every bit of my world inside the amber flame of her irises. I wanted to make her feel as beautiful as she looked in this very moment. My hands pulled at the cotton of her shirt and she helped me remove it. She was still wearing a bra, and that was fine with me, because I had no intention of removing it. Tonight wasn’t about sex, it was about testing limits, giving in, and allowing ourselves to feel, to learn, to know each other that much more. I eased her onto her back, her inky black hair sprawled out onto the mattress. My kisses followed along her neck, past her collarbone. My hand palmed her breast and I gently bit her nipple through the lace of her bra. Melissa ran her fingers through my hair as I lowered my mouth to her stomach, but when I moved past her belly button, her entire body went stiff. “W-what are you doing?” she asked as she took my face between her hands. I smiled and she relaxed below me. I kissed the waistband of her boxer shorts, and when I looked up at her again, her face was a mixture of desire and insecurity. “Is this okay?” I asked as I inched the underwear down a little more, and when she didn’t stop me, I continued my exploration. I’d never done this before, gone down on a woman. I’d messed around, but never this. The urge, the need to taste Melissa wasn’t something I could’ve prepared for. It was forceful and it drove the blood through my heart —turbulent and fast. She raised her hips as I slipped the boxers down. The pads of my fingers only left the silk of her skin as I removed the underwear and pushed them to the side. My eyes lifted to

hers, and I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was scared, but when my Adam’s apple bobbed, Melissa spoke. “We can stop.” My hands shook as I slid them up her legs. Fear, adrenaline, basic human lust, had my fingers digging into her inner thighs as I spread them apart. My gaze was locked on hers, my tone rough and raw as I said, “I couldn’t stop if I wanted to…” I didn’t want to. My nose skimmed the curve of her core, the short-trimmed hairs were softer than I would have imagined. My tongue took its first taste, and her feminine scent enveloped every sense. Her quiet gasp, that soft cry, it set every nerve ending I had on edge. I’d given myself over to the temptation of her. I’d tasted what had always been forbidden. When my lips sucked on the sweet flesh, I fell and was perfectly content to never surface again.



There was no end to it. To him or to me. There was only real, only raw, and I was dying. I’d never been with anyone, except for Chance. I’d touched so many men. Done horrible things for drugs, for money, but I’d never given them my entire body, never let them touch me. All I’d ever known was dirty, sex under the influence, but somehow, Kieran was showing me that I was worth so much more. My fingers tangled in his thick hair as I greedily pulled him closer. Oxygen… breathe… breathe… I couldn’t find a rhythm. All I felt was his mouth, his tongue, and I was so impatient… so fucking willing. The muscles in my thighs contracted, and my spine arched as I fought myself, fought all the feeling his hot mouth was giving me. His name was a mumbled plea, a prayer, a needy moan, and when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, he slid two fingers inside me. I shattered as his teeth grazed the sensitive bundle of nerves between my legs, and my body went rigid, exploded into a thousand different shades of red. Bliss and agony all at once. My nails dug into his scalp as I rode out the wave of pleasure surging through me. “Kieran.” I was breathless, but he didn’t stop. Wouldn’t stop. I leaned up onto my elbows as another wave hit me. “Please,” I begged and I didn’t know what for. He groaned and the sound of it bathed the length of my legs and arms with tingles as I fell back onto the mattress, limp and sated and owned. He licked me with lazy strokes as his fingers left me empty. Kieran pressed sweet kisses to my trembling thighs, my stomach, and then he paused. My mind was still thick with the haze of two fast and hard orgasms to realize what he’d noticed. It wasn’t until his strong fingers, his soft touch traced the long, horizontal scar on my lower abdomen that I finally came to a sharp reality.

“What’s this scar from?” he asked as his lips kissed the raised skin reverently. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. Maybe it was a post-orgasmic emotional overload. Or maybe it was the fact I liked Kieran too much to lie, but the truth was buried too deep to surface, at least for tonight. My fingers ran through his hair as he placed more kisses on my tummy. My breathing hadn’t yet slowed when I said, “I had surgery a few years ago.” It wasn’t technically a lie. A C-section was a surgery, after all. My tone was somber and maybe Kieran sensed it, but he didn’t ask any more questions. His fingertips lingered along the six-inch scar for only a few more seconds before they tickled a path of goose bumps along my hips. He shifted his weight and lay next to me on the bed, his lips hovered over mine. When he kissed me, it was deep, and I could taste myself on his tongue. My heart was still racing when he cupped my cheek and brought his lips to my ear. “I’ve never done that before,” he confessed and my heart squeezed. He was so honest, and I was the liar stealing his innocence and making it mine. I was too quiet and he cleared his throat. “Was it… I mean, did I—” I turned my head and kissed him before his insecurity could surface. I bit his lip, and pushed down all the stupid shit in my head. I wouldn’t allow my lies to ruin this… even if I was the most selfish bitch on the planet. My mouth explored his, explored the taste of him and me mingled together. A low groan rumbled in his chest as my hand skated down the hard muscle of his stomach and dipped below the elastic of his underwear. My thumb circled the soft velvet head of his dick and his hips shuddered. Kieran’s kiss became desperate as I gripped his length. I wanted to give him what he’d given me, give him a moment to let go, to forget, even if he had nothing to leave behind, I wanted him to break, to splinter into the now. My lips followed the line of his rosary tattoo all the way down to the cross, past the dips and valleys of his chiseled chest and abs as he rolled onto his back. My tongue slid along the line of the V that led me to the waistband of his sweats. His hand held my cheek, found my chin, and lifted my eyes to his. “You don’t have to do this,” he said. His voice was earnest and beautiful, and for the first time in years, I wanted to give a man a piece of me. Give him some portion of me simply because I wanted him to have it. I watched him from under my lashes. His tongue sweeping across his full lips as I whispered, “I want to make you come.” His jaw clenched and I smiled. My lips spread and his fingers twisted in my hair. He kept his eyes on me as I lowered his sweats. Kieran was velvet and thick, and as my lips kissed the crown of his dick, his deep growl heated my chest, my stomach, and my shaking fingers stilled. The nerves, my fear, that everlasting sense of loss, every last terrible thing I’d ever done, dissolved into the salty taste of him, into the quiet grunts and pleased sounds that spilled from his mouth as I took him in.

I wasn’t a whore looking for a quick fix, or the girlfriend to a man who’d rather sell my affections, I was just Melissa, and Kieran was my choice. My choice. His whole body shuddered, and his fingers pulled the tendrils of my hair as he let go. After a few seconds, he let the strands fall free, and his soft thumbs found my cheeks. When our eyes met again, I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to tell him everything, tell him the truth, because the way he was looking at me in this moment, if I told him who I truly was, it would be like telling him there was no God.

We’d fallen asleep, a mess of limbs, just after one in the morning. When the muted daylight lit his room, I opened my eyes into slits. His cheek was pressed onto my stomach, his arms were wrapped around my hips, and as I ran my hands through his dark hair, down to his neck, and back up again, I eyed the clock on his nightstand. It read five past ten in the morning. I didn’t have to work today, but I couldn’t remember if Kieran had to. He didn’t stir as I continued my path through his hair, and I tried not to be self-conscious about the fact I had no underwear on. After all, Kieran had his mouth on every surface of my body last night, and I had returned the favor. It was the sexiest night of my entire existence and we hadn’t even had sex. I’d forgotten how good it felt to let someone in, to let a man touch me. Chance and I hadn’t loved each other, for such a long time, before he died. I hadn’t realized it for a while, that a man couldn’t really love you if he was willing to farm you out to others for money. Chance had asked me to have sex so many times with other guys, but I couldn’t do it. I somehow convinced myself oral sex and hand jobs weren’t as bad. After my overdose, the doctors screened me for STDs, and when the tests came back negative for everything, my doctor had told me how fucking lucky I’d been. Sex or no sex, I’d risked my life, I’d basically been committing suicide for years. Lucky… I felt lucky, especially this morning, and as I inhaled the heady scent of Kieran, soap mixed with incense and musk, my heart skipped three full beats making me feel a little bit dizzy. “Good morning.” A rough, gravelly voice tickled the skin of my belly. “Hey,” was all I could say. The night’s events rushed through my head. Every moan, every smile, every growl flushed my cheeks to crimson as his light blue eyes met mine. He lifted his body and rolled to his side. His smile was full and lopsided as he said, “I think I like waking up with you.” I closed my eyes. I liked waking up with him, too, but I wasn’t as ready to admit that as he was. “I think it’s still snowing,” I said as I sat up and stared at his window.

The light filtering through the blinds was a mixture of gray and white. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. His face was too open, too happy, and I was a ticking fucking time bomb. “Should we start date number three?” he asked and the humor in his voice pulled me from my negative ramblings. “Huh?” “We’re technically on date number three, encounter number five, I think… whatever… I’m not keeping track.” His chuckle made me smile. “You’re not?” I cocked my eyebrow. “Nope.” He stood from the bed, and I had to stifle a gasp. At some point during the night we’d removed the remaining portions of our clothes. Kieran was standing in front of me completely naked. His body a freaking masterpiece. Tall, broad, and epically sculpted. Every muscle was cut stone. His wide shoulders narrowed down into his hips, and my eyes followed the blessed lines all the way down to his tight backside. My dry mouth watered, and I had to swallow a few times before I looked away. I pulled the sheet up, covering my own nakedness as I watched Kieran move with fluid motion to his dresser, he was oblivious to the blushing woman in his bed. “You like eggs?” he asked as he opened his top drawer and grabbed a pair of boxer briefs. “Um… sure,” I answered with my eyes on the ceiling. His cocky chuckle brought my eyes to his. “Shy looks good on you.” Kieran’s voice was warm, and I pinched my bottom lip between my teeth. He was standing there in just his black underwear, his eight pack on display, his strong thighs, his arms… I sucked in a deep breath and gave him a truth. “I think I’m a little overwhelmed.” I immediately regretted my honesty when his smile fell. He took a few steps toward the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress. His hand slid under the sheet and found my skin. His fingers working magic on the muscle of my calf. “Do you…” The confidence I loved so much wavered. “Do you regret—” “No. Not at all.” I didn’t regret staying here, or anything we’d done last night. I let myself smile, let myself get lost in the crystalline color of his eyes. “Best night ever.” A self-satisfied grin lit his features. “I could get used to hearing that.” I left my leg in his capable hands, but scooted closer to where he was sitting. The sheet was clenched inside my fingers, lifted almost to my chin, but when I leaned in for a kiss, his free hand tugged it down. His thumb brushed the curve of my breast and my eyes closed. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this, though,” he said in a low hoarse whisper. Heat pooled between my legs as Kieran brought both of his hands to my waist, trailing up and then down. Once and then again before he rested his forehead against my brow. “I

don’t want to wait anymore.” The beat of my heart hummed and stole my breath. My palms pressed into his chest, and the heat of his skin seeped into my fingertips. We both struggled for air until our lungs found a synchronized rhythm. I wanted to give myself to him. Maybe it made me a monster, but he was willing to give himself to me. To me. My head felt light, and I was sure my heart was beating beyond a healthy limit. I was racing each beat, running toward the high he was feeding me. Having sex with Kieran wasn’t something I would be able to walk away from, and I knew it would be the same for him if he gave himself to me. Neither of us would be able to walk away unscathed, but I wanted it… wanted him so much I was willing to risk it. I found my voice in the depths of my throat. “I don’t want to wait either.” His mouth hit mine with a possessive collision and my head fell to the pillow. The weight of his body pinned me down onto the cotton soft sheets. Kieran’s hands were on my face, his knee between my legs, and I was gasping, grasping for a small breath, something to keep my footing, to keep me grounded. His teeth were at my jaw, my throat, and the addictive, rapid beat of my pulse heightened as he nudged my thighs apart. This was happening and I was letting it. His hands were hot, searing his fingerprints against my flesh. I could feel the long, hard length of his arousal between my legs. When his tongue licked my bottom lip, I uttered a small cry and he rolled his hips, swearing under his breath. He said my name as my hands traveled down his back, under the elastic of his briefs, and rounded his ass. He pushed his hips against me, his body seeking mine with a moan. My name was on his lips again when the sound of a door slamming in the apartment made us both go stiff. “Shit,” he whispered and eyed the bedroom door that was opened slightly. “Kieran!” a deep, annoyed voice bellowed through the apartment, through the small crack of Kieran’s bedroom door. “Liam,” he said to me quietly and gave me a playful grin as he rolled onto his side. Kieran stood quickly, leaned over and threw the boxers and t-shirt he’d loaned me last night onto the bed. My bra had fallen onto the floor somewhere, and I wished my jeans and sweater weren’t folded neatly in his bathroom. Saying good morning to Liam in his brother’s clothes was not on the top of my “how awesome would this be” list. “I’ll be right out.” Kieran’s voice carried even though he was slipping a shirt over his head. “It’s a fucking shit show outside…” Liam’s voice grew closer and I panicked pulling my shirt on. Kieran stifled a chuckle. “Wait in the kitchen, I’m getting dressed.” Liam wasn’t easily deterred though, and I wondered if this was just an O’Connell trait, in general. “What the fuck, you jacking off? Get the hell—” Liam’s sentence died in the air as the bedroom door whipped open. At this point, I was

just grateful my shirt was on. Kieran though was still hopping into his sweats. “Holy shit, I’m sorry… I mean…” Liam looked at me, his dark eyes wide, and then at Kieran as he swore again and slammed the door. I could’ve sworn I heard him laugh before he said, “I’ll be in the kitchen.” Kieran gave me an apologetic smile. “He’s never had to worry about a chick being here in the morning.” “Is it possible to die from embarrassment?” I asked, trying to scrub Liam’s shocked glare from my retinas as I fell to the pillow and covered my eyes. The bed shifted and I kept my eyes shut when Kieran kissed my forehead. “Don’t be embarrassed. You know how many times I’ve had to deal with Liam and—” “Please, stop. Kelly and Liam are basically my bosses. My boss just caught me in bed with his brother. I’m almost thirty, and I feel like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar.” “I wish we’d gotten to the hand in the cookie jar portion of this morning. But… my brother is officially a cock blocker. I’ll never let him live it down.” Kieran’s laugh made my cheeks hot and my eyes opened. He held my chin between his thumb and finger. “I have some sweats in the second drawer if you don’t want to wear the boxers… or I’ll grab your things from the bathroom.” His thumb swept across my lips. “If Liam closes the shop because of the weather, I want to spend the day with you.” “Okay,” I agreed. His calm tone eased my heart rate, and all I wanted to do was breathe him in. “I’d like to go home for a little bit, though. Change my clothes. I know I said you could claim two full days, but I didn’t really mean forty-eight hours.” I laughed at his slight scowl. “You look sexy in my shirt, and you know I have this fancy-as-fuck thing called a shower.” He raised his eyebrows when I shoved his chest. “I might even have a toothbrush.” “Kieran…” Were we on sharing toothbrush terms already? I didn’t know the rules. I’d never really had to abide by Dating 101. It had always been Chance, and all the rest of the fucked up, but my lips broke into a huge smile as I realized that I might be just as naïve as Kieran. “What?” he asked. His smile a gorgeous parallel to mine. I shook my head. “Let’s just get through breakfast.”

“And if you’ll have me, I would bring you the horizon if I had to.” Hayley Stumbo~



It felt fast, liking Melissa. Everything was spinning. One second the world was flat and straight, and my feet hit the ground with steady, sturdy steps. The next, she was a fucking storm, filling my sky with lightning, whipping wind through my skin and setting my world on fire. Tipping it, shaking it, holding it in her hands… at any minute it could drop, but when she smiled at me like that, sitting on my bed, a happy flame in her deep brown eyes, I’d hand her my reins any damn day. I wanted her and I was at her mercy. “I want to make you come.” I swallowed as the reminder of her words pumped my blood that much faster. Fucking, Liam. “Ready to face the big bad wolf,” I teased as she stood from my bed. She’d slipped her shirt on earlier, but now her lean, tan legs were revealed as she pushed down the sheets. I should go out into the kitchen, tell my brother to get the hell out, and then do the one thing I’d been dying to do since I’d set eyes on her. She grabbed the boxers from the bed and pulled them on as she said, “You go first. I’m going to get dressed in the bathroom.” She exhaled an annoyed breath. I lifted her chin with my fingers. “Everything okay?” She didn’t answer right away, and when my heart started to sprint, the pressure began

to cave in, pushing down onto my lungs. It was more than just sex that pulled me to Melissa. More than just physical attraction. When she looked up at me, her eyes searching mine, worry burned in my empty gut. I couldn’t explain the urgency, but I knew I didn’t want to lose her. She reached her hand up and set it against my chest. “I’m fine. I… I’m just embarrassed.” When I remembered to breathe again, it escaped my lips in a rush. “You scared me for a second.” Her lips twitched and she leaned her head to the side. “I did?” “Yeah. I got nervous. I… I thought maybe I pushed you too fast. Heat of the moment…” I brushed a piece of her wild hair from her cheek with a smile. “It’s easy to get lost in you.” She grinned and lifted to her toes to press a kiss onto my cheek. “Do you think we could kick him out before we make breakfast?” she asked with a quirk in her right brow. “I could arrange that.” I took her hand in mine. “Let’s start date number three then.” She spoke softly and it made me chuckle. “I’m not keeping count anymore, I figure, once you’ve seen someone naked, numbers no longer matter much.” She laughed and it lightened her eyes. “Sounds like solid logic.” “Mm-hmm,” I agreed and kissed her once on the lips. She released my hand and we made our way to the door. As we moved into the hallway I whispered, “If you hide in the bathroom for too long, he’ll never leave.” I smacked her lightly on the ass and she narrowed her eyes as she said, “Make me coffee.” I heard Liam laugh in the kitchen, and Melissa’s eyes rolled. She disappeared into the bathroom as I chuckled and turned to stare down the hallway. Here we go. Liam was leaning against the breakfast bar looking smug as hell. His hands were folded over his chest, his lips fighting a smile. “If I promise to work overtime can we not have this conversation right now?” I asked with a defeated tone. He snickered. “Sure, little brother, whatever you want.” His easy statement stopped me in my tracks. My eyebrows hit the ceiling. “Whatever I want?” He nodded. “Your love life is your business.” I snorted. The way he said love life was as about as believable as Santa Claus. He was mocking me. I ignored his sarcasm and grabbed the coffee from the cabinet, privately

wishing Melissa had come out here with me. Liam’s judgmental glare was setting my spine straight. I quickly went through the motions of getting the coffee ready and hit start on the machine. The silence was impenetrable. I turned around, expecting to see a scowl on Liam’s face, but he was the picture of ease, his dark eyes considering me. I finally met his gaze and lowered my voice to an almost inaudible whisper, “We didn’t… I mean we almost did, but—” He held up his hand. “I don’t want fucking details.” He spoke almost as quietly as I had. “It was a shock, I guess, seeing her in your room…” His lips spread into a grin. “You do you. You don’t need my permission.” “No shit.” I brushed past him and opened the fridge. I grabbed the eggs and set them on the side counter by the stove. As I pulled the milk from the shelf, and shut the door, Liam said, “You don’t know her very well. I’m surprised.” I eyed the hallway, still no sign of Melissa, and then set my full gaze on Liam. “Mom told me once, you can’t turn your back on what God gifts you.” Liam’s throat bobbed. “She said that to you?” I didn’t miss the slight croak in his voice or how my eyes had suddenly started to sting. “Yeah, man. She said it to me all the time. Well, after I decided against being a priest. I’d always complain about how I couldn’t connect with anyone, and she’d told me when it was time I’d know it. You think all that stuff is bullshit, but I feel something when I’m with Melissa, and it’s not just my dick, so don’t even say it. I –” “Kieran…” The strict lines around Liam’s eyes thawed. “Mom said that shit to me, too, and I never really believed it, but I get it now, I really do. So, save your speech, you don’t have to convince me. You like her, then like her, and if it all goes to shit, because trust me, at some point it will, I’ll be here while you fight for her. Just be safe, little brother… that’s all I was going to say.” “It’s only been a few dates and I’m thinking this shit already, Liam…” I smirked. “You don’t think that makes me a pussy?” “Well…” “Fuck off,” I clipped without any real anger. “And get out so I can make breakfast for my girl.” A quiet throat cleared and both Liam and I turned to see Melissa standing in the hallway. Her hair was pulled up into a high ponytail, but she was still in my boxers, still in my t-shirt. The soft, gold skin of her cheeks flamed red as we stared at her. “Hi,” she said with a sheepish smile. Liam nodded his chin and then looked at me. “The snow is supposed to let up around noon. I called everyone and told them to come in at one if the streets are clear. But, I can give you the day—” “I have to head home after breakfast,” Melissa interrupted and my hope plummeted.

“You do?” I asked and couldn’t keep the disappointment at bay. Her smile didn’t reach her eyes, and the tension in my shoulders stretched through the muscles of my back. “I have a few things I should do today…” I walked over to her and slipped my hand around her waist right in front of Liam. Melissa’s smile trembled as I dusted my thumb across her bottom lip. I didn’t have anything planned, but I was hoping for a repeat of this morning. “Are we still on for tonight?” I asked with a gruff whisper. “And I’m out of here. See you at work.” Liam gave me a knowing smirk. “One o’clock.” He reminded me as he opened the door, and finally left me and Melissa alone. “You didn’t change,” I said as I dropped my hand and playfully tugged on her t-shirt. “I figured changing wasn’t going to hide the fact I stayed over. I was in your bed, for Christ’s sake. Figured I’d just go with the flow. Washed my face and stole some toothpaste. Hope that’s all right?” I leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to her lips. She did taste like toothpaste, and as I kissed her jaw, I noticed her skin smelled like my soap. I liked how little pieces of me were blending with her. My hands skated under the fabric of her t-shirt and around the curves of her hips. My fingertips trailed goose bumps along her spine and then back down to her waist. She pulled away from my eager mouth, her breath tickling my lips. “I thought you were going to make your girl some breakfast.” I closed my eyes, embarrassment flooding my face with heat. “You heard that?” “Yup.” She nipped my upper lip and then gave me a small smile. I stood at my full height pulling her to my chest. “Is it too soon to call you that?” Her soft lips dipped enough that I noticed and uncertainty began to shift and twist inside my stomach. “Maybe…” She shrugged. “It’s been a long time for me, Kieran, I don’t remember all the ins and outs.” “That makes two of us.” I didn’t like that her smile had begun to fade, so I kissed her harder than I should have hoping to dam the rising apprehension in my chest. Shut it down with her taste, with the smell of her jasmine mixed with my soap, and when she moaned into my mouth, I felt a little release of tension. Reluctantly pulling away from her, I asked, “Should we eat?” Melissa had enjoyed teasing me about my inability to fry an egg without breaking it. She’d refused to believe that I had stage fright or some shit. The woman made me nervous on all fronts, but now, it was her silence that had me on edge. She was poking her scrambled eggs with her fork, sitting on one of the stools at the breakfast bar, and I was standing on the other side facing her. “I promise perfectly sunny side up eggs next time… I’m off my game this morning,” I joked and her smile reappeared. “There it is.” My remark had her eyes rising from the plate. “You’re quiet.” “I’m tired,” she said quickly and moved her gaze to the kitchen window. “I’m glad it

stopped snowing, I was dreading driving in that shit.” “Hopefully the plows will be out…are you sure I can’t drive you home? I have a truck you know, four-wheel drive.” She shook her head. “I need my car.” “I could bring it to your place later. Have Liam follow me in the—” “No,” she said and clenched her teeth. Her tone was sharp, and I tried to hide my cringe. She must have seen the flash of irritation cross my eyes because the hard planes of her face went soft. “I don’t want you to go to the trouble. I’m sure the plows will have it cleared before I even leave.” It was doubtful, for a state known for its heavy snow, our department of transportation lacked adequate planning, but Melissa was looking uncomfortable so I chose to drop the argument. “You’re probably right,” I conceded, giving her a wide smile, and the stiff line of her shoulders melted. I wanted to ask her why she was so quiet, why the color in her cheeks had faded, why, all of a sudden, she was acting like a stranger. She said she was tired. And I wanted to believe her. It wasn’t like me to assume, or fixate, but she was going from hot to cold really fucking fast, and I had no idea what I’d done to cause it. We didn’t talk much while we ate. I’d asked her what she wanted to do tonight and she’d give me the standard I don’t care, or whatever you want. She’d helped me clean up and when it was time to go, everything we’d done last night and this morning flooded my head, trickled down into my heart, and propelled wildly through my veins. I had a strangeas-hell feeling that when she walked out that door she’d leave with regret hanging in the air, and I didn’t want to feel that way. Melissa was back in her red sweater and was staring up at me. Her eyes were filled with something I couldn’t read, and it only made the dark feeling in my chest bloom. “I’m going to see you tonight… right?” I asked and she lowered her chin. I framed her face with my hands and tipped her head up. “Hey…” Her coffee brown eyes appraised me. They searched my face and I wondered what she saw. Couldn’t she see how much I fucking liked her, how much I wanted her? Did she think I was playing games? I didn’t give myself over to others easily, but I would for her. I didn’t think she understood that, if she wanted it, I’d give her everything I had. I exhaled a nervous breath. “This is real for me, Melissa.” “I know it is,” was all she said as she raised her arms and wrapped them around my waist. I leaned in, her scent pulling me under as I pressed my lips to hers. Her kiss was fragile, and I felt it down my spine. Melissa’s lips were hesitant at first, but as I deepened the kiss, held her tight against my chest, she fell into my touch. Our mouths moved together like clockwork. Perfect and full, her lips tasted mine, nibbled and nipped, and when I groaned, she broke away with a breathless gasp.

My thumbs ran along the length of her cheek bones and, in the heated silence, I watched her retreat inside herself again. “I’ll text you when I get home,” she whispered, and I kissed her lips one more time. I lowered my hands and shoved them into my pockets as she backed away. “I’ll most likely be off by eight tonight. Think about what you want to do, or you’ll be stuck with take-out and a movie.” I smirked and her smile parted her lips and lit her face. My anxiety ebbed a little. “I’ll think about it.” She pulled her keys from her jeans pocket and I opened the door for her. The stairs were covered in snow, and when I offered to shovel them for her, the look she gave me could have melted the ice on its own. I surrendered and watched from behind as she precariously maneuvered the stairs. She didn’t argue when I scraped the snow off her windshield, and when I kissed her goodbye again, I made her promise for the third time to let me know when she’d gotten home safely. After she pulled away, all that was left of her was a lingering cloud of jasmine, a muted taste of her lips on mine, and the tire tracks from her car. I closed my eyes and sucked in the heavy air. The saliva on my tongue was thick from the frigid temperature. I didn’t focus on how weird she’d acted, instead, I let myself wade in the feeling of her mouth on my skin, the memory of the breathy moans I’d earned as I sampled her last night. I’d repeated the lust-filled words in my head all damn day that she’d uttered. I’d picture the sweet look on her face when I’d told her I was ready to have it all. I’d forget how distant she was just now, and have faith in the connection I’d felt every time I saw her… touched her. When you know… you know. My eyes opened as I pulled my phone from my pocket and sent her a parting text. Me: Loving the moment makes everything right…muse to my smile… I can still taste you.

“He held her happiness safe in his hands, but what would happen to her smile if his fingers began to shake.” A.M. Johnson~



Overall, I’d say I was a laid-back kind of guy. I’d grown up the youngest of three boys and had grown used to taking things in stride. I wasn’t one to worry, but after the weather had turned the city into a giant snow globe again, and my tenth text message to Melissa had gone unanswered, worry wasn’t an adequate word for the steady pressure building behind my sternum. Questions picked at my brain, eating holes through my concentration. Had she made it home safe, did she get stuck on the freeway, was she stranded, had her battery died, or, I cringed at the likelihood, was she blowing me off? The way she left this morning had alarm bells ringing in my ears, but I swallowed it all down, pushed it into that little compartment in my head and breathed. Like always, I tried to use logic, like any man, to quell the panic brewing inside me. But it was seven-thirty, and even if she had been stranded, she would have been home by now. A cop, a Good Samaritan… The bell over the front door jingled and a gust of frigid air and snowflakes gushed into the waiting room. Kelly’s high-pitched squeal made me laugh as she removed her scarf and shook out her hair with her fingers. “Shit, it’s cold,” she grumbled. I chuckled from behind the front desk. “Welcome back to Utah winters, sister-in-law. Missing California yet?” I asked. She scowled. “No… maybe a little.” She peeked around to the back of the shop. “But don’t tell Liam.” Kelly gave me a conspiratorial smirk and I laughed.

“I’m not that stupid.” I stepped out from behind the desk and gave her a bear hug. She giggled, and when I tightened my hold on her she squeaked. “Can’t… breathe.” I released her from my usual assault. She wasn’t much of a “hugger” so I tried to hug her as much as possible. It pissed off Liam and made her laugh… it was a win either way. “What are you doing here?” Liam’s voice was half aggravation and half relief. “I came to pick you up.” Kelly smiled as he kissed her cheek, and I went back to my desk to give them space. “I could’ve taken TRAX home, just like I took it here this morning, it’s fucking dangerous out there. You didn’t need—” “I was on my way home from Irene’s, Liam, it’s no big deal, besides, TRAX is running really behind. A few stations are buried in the snow.” So much for reliable public transportation. I looked down at my desk and tried not to glance at my cell phone again, but I somehow managed to stare at it regardless. No flashing indicator light, still no message from Melissa. “Buried?” He exhaled a rough sigh. “No wonder this place has been empty all day.” Liam shifted his glare to me. “You mind locking up? I think it’s safe to say we’re closed.” Liam and I had opened the shop, but told everyone else to stay home. Declan wouldn’t have left Paige and the kids anyway, and everyone else lived far enough away it wouldn’t have been worth it to drive here. “I don’t mind.” “You sure, don’t you have a date?” Liam asked and I averted my eyes, hiding my disappointment. “I’m not sure. I can’t get a hold of her.” “Of who?” Kelly asked. “Melissa.” “Yeah?” Kelly’s smile was short-lived. “She left here this morning, and I’ve texted her all day and she hasn’t replied.” “She hasn’t responded?” Liam asked, the worry in his eyes matching mine. “I’ll call her,” Kelly said and pulled her phone from her purse. Liam and I waited as we watched her dial and then raise the phone to her ear. I kept telling myself it was nothing. And as much as it would suck, I hoped she was just blowing me off, because the alternative… Kelly lowered her phone and glanced at Liam before she looked at me. “No answer.” “Shit.” Liam turned his attention to the front window and I followed his gaze. The storm was a solid white wall.

“I didn’t think it was that bad this morning,” I said to no one in particular. The slight panic in my voice must have been evident because Kelly responded, “I’ll stop by her place on our way home.” Liam whipped his head and gave her a scowl. “The fuck you will, doesn’t she live in North Salt Lake? There is no way in hell—” “What if…” Kelly swallowed. “Liam, I’m worried now.” Liam grit his teeth and shot me a furious glare. “What?” I asked. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m worried, too.” “Then you go check on her.” He ordered. “Me?” I shook my head. “No way, I don’t even know where she lives.” “Kelly can tell you.” Liam turned to his wife. “You can give him directions. It’s his girl, let him deal with it.” “I’ve been on two dates with her, Liam. I’ll look like a fucking stalker.” I shoved my hand through my hair. “She stayed the fucking night, little brother. I think knowing where she lives is paramount.” He blew out an angry brush of air and turned to Kelly, ignoring my embarrassed expression. Kelly didn’t need to know my damn business. “I can give you her address, Kieran, but I’ve never been there.” Kelly spoke softly, breaking through the cloud of testosterone like a beam of sunlight. “I have her application in my inbox. Give me a second, and I’ll pull it up.” “You don’t think that’s weird, me just showing up at her place, I mean… what if…” The thought lodged in my throat making it difficult to speak without sounding strained. “What if she’s not answering on purpose?” Kelly’s smile was soft. “She would’ve answered my call, and if you’re worried, she’ll think it’s sweet you checked on her. Maybe her battery is dead, or maybe it’s nothing at all, but with the weather as bad as it is, I think you should just stop by, make sure she’s safe.” “I’m going to grab my shit from the breakroom.” Liam’s tone was less irritated now, knowing that he wasn’t going to have to drive up north in a blizzard. Kelly was busy with her phone when I lifted mine and sent one more message to Melissa. Me: I’m worried. Do I need to come check on you? Kelly walked over to the desk and grabbed a Post-it and a pen. She scribbled Melissa’s address across the paper and just as Liam reappeared she said, “Let us know if she’s safe, all right.” “I will,” I promised as I slipped my phone into my pocket. “Same to you, let me know you guys got home okay.”

“I’ll send you a text,” Liam said as Kelly wrapped her scarf around her neck. “Drive safe.” Liam and Kelly disappeared into the storm, and I locked the front door. It didn’t take long to shut off the lights and lock up, and once I was fighting the wind and heading up to my apartment, a slow fear started to creep into my bones. I hoped that when I got inside, and looked at my phone there would be some sign from her that she was okay. There wasn’t. I didn’t waste time standing in my kitchen staring at a blank screen. I grabbed my truck keys from the counter, and shrugged into my heavier winter coat. The stairs were dangerously slick, but I hurried down each step with a new sense of urgency. The cab of my truck heated quickly, melting the ice from my windshield. I kicked the truck into fourwheel drive, punched her address into the GPS map on my phone and hit the road. She lived about ten miles north of Avenues and what should have been a quick trip took me almost an hour. There were at least five cars that had slid off the road and two really terrible accidents. I kept my eyes on the freeway, and recited the Lord’s Prayer about one hundred times before I pulled off the exit ramp. My fingers enveloped the steering wheel in a white-knuckle grip as I fought the ice-covered pavement and wind. The heavy snow fell past the lights of my truck creating tunneled illusions that made it hard to keep an attentive eye on the path in front of me. It wasn’t until I pulled into her apartment complex that I realized I was in a real shitty part of town. I laughed at my knee-jerk reaction to lock my doors. If someone was ballsy enough to rob people in this kind of weather they could have my damn truck. I circled the parking lot looking for a spot. All the cars were covered in snow, and I wasn’t sure if I’d missed her car or not. There was a parking garage attached to the building, and after coming up empty, as far as parking was concerned, I pulled into the garage. There was a spot on the second level, and before I turned off the engine, I checked my phone one last time. All I had was a text from Liam letting me know he and Kelly had gotten home safely. The stairwell that led to her apartment was freezing and damp, and each breath I took pulled the scent of garbage into my lungs. I hated that she lived in a place like this… alone. She deserved to feel safe, and as I stared at the cracks in the foundation, the peeling paint of her front door, I wondered if she felt safe at all. I knocked three times before the door swung open. Shocked eyes and parted lips greeted me. Her cheeks looked warm and her hair was wet. We stood there for a few stunned, silent seconds, the heat of her apartment sneaking past the front entryway, wrapping around my cold body. Melissa was wearing a worn looking, oversized gray sweater that hung off her right shoulder and, even though she was wearing baggy black pajama bottoms, she still looked sexy as hell. Sexy, safe, and totally pissed. “What the hell are you doing here?” Her shock had thawed into anger. The muscle in my jaw pulsed. “You didn’t answer my texts, I was fucking worried.”

I’d attempted to rein in my own anger, but failed miserably. What? Did she think I wouldn’t give a shit that she just fell off the planet in a snow storm? The furious little crease between her brows softened. “So, you just figured you’d show up at my front door.” The bite in her voice had backed off, but her shoulders were stiff, blocking my view of her apartment, keeping me in the cold. “Yes,” I answered too quickly and her brows started to furrow again. “And no. I was worried and when Kelly came to pick up Liam I told her I hadn’t heard from you. She got worried, too. She tried to call.” “I know.” “You know?” I asked unable to hold back the hurt in my tone. She lowered her eyes to the ground. “You shouldn’t be here.” Melissa’s voice was strained and there was something in the way she’d said here that made it possible for me to see past my anger. I lifted her chin with two fingers and she didn’t resist. “Why didn’t you answer my texts?” She released a long breath. “Come inside. It’s freezing.” She stepped to the side and let me enter. I removed my boots, leaving them by the door as she brushed by me. Her place was small, but seemed comfortable. A bed, a side table, and a bookshelf took up the majority of the main living space. A tiny table sat in the corner by the kitchen. I took off my jacket, hung it over one of the two chairs, and followed behind her. “I was just about to eat dinner,” she said as she turned down the flame on the stove. Melissa’s eyes wouldn’t meet mine. They feathered around the room nervously. “Kieran, I… I’m sorry. I should’ve texted you.” “But you didn’t…” I leaned against the doorframe that led into the narrow kitchen waiting for her to turn around, to look at me, to give me something to hold on to, some clarification. Her eyes locked with mine. Her stature hard as she raised her hand and waved it in front of her. “I never wanted you to see this…” Her voice cracked. “I’m fucking mortified. I’m not who you think I am, Kieran.” “Then tell me,” I said raising my voice, pushing off the wall to stand in front of her. “I’m not like you. My life… my life used to be…” She shook her head, and I noticed her brown eyes had begun to brim with tears. Her emotions fluid and begging to fall down her cheeks. “Used to be what?” I whispered. She inhaled a jagged breath and her control burned the tears away. “Fucked up. Really fucked up, and it’s taken me five years to get better.” She ran her hand through her damp hair. “But this shit, it’s me… and I’m trying so damn hard to pull myself out of the gutter. Leaving The Western was step one, and Irene’s… and you…” Melissa’s brown eyes

melted. She was sinking, spilling herself, bleeding, and I couldn’t look away. “I don’t deserve someone like you. I panicked, last night was… perfect, and I’ve never had perfect.” I chanced a step closer and when she didn’t retreat I closed the aching space. Each breath I took was a war between fury and hope. “I’m not perfect.” She laughed without humor. “Kieran, you’re a fucking saint.” “I’m not, though. No one is Mel, no one except God, and I swear He’s fucked up a time or two, as well.” A smile formed on my lips, and the fear in her shoulders eased. “I never wanted you to see where I lived. I don’t want to drag you into the gutter with me.” A tear escaped the tight leash she’d held. “This morning, I almost took that last bit of good you had.” “I wanted to give it,” I said and framed her face with my hands. Her cheeks were hot and I loved how right her skin felt against my palms. She tipped her head back and gave me the full weight of her gaze. “I don’t give a shit about where you live or who you were before you met me, I just want you to let me in. Let me see you, Melissa, because everything I’ve seen so far is fucking beautiful.” A shuddered breath tickled my thumb as I dusted it across her tear-stained lips. “All I’ve ever done is disappoint people. My family, myself, and I’m so scared that if I let you see me… you’ll see what everyone else sees, what I see when I look at myself in the mirror every day. Failure.” I didn’t know what she’d been through, and I wanted her to trust me enough to tell me, but we’d only just started, and I hoped over time she’d open up. But right now, she needed to know how I felt, I had to stop those tears from falling. “All I see when I look at you…” I lowered my hands from her face, trailing my right hand down her cheek, her neck, her bare shoulder, “is a smart, sexy, strong woman who is trying to rise above the hand she’s been dealt.” I fit my hand at her waist and held her watery gaze. “I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I know I’ve never looked at another woman like I look at you. Never touched another woman and felt the way you make me feel. You fucking light me up, and it’s not going to stop just because you live in a small apartment, or had an ex-boyfriend who overdosed, or whatever the hell is in your head. I want you, Melissa, just you, no exceptions.” I leaned down to kiss her tear-stained lips. She was a mixture of salt and sadness, and I devoured the bitter-sweet taste of her. Her mouth was easy and soft against mine. I kissed her until she relaxed into my arms, until all the bullshit she had to bear on her shoulders fell away, until her quiet moan began to feed my pulse. I had to pull away before I forgot how to stop. I rested my hands on her hips and searched her eyes for any more hesitation. They were at half mast, her cheeks splotched with red, and all I could see was desire. “I want to feel like every other man. I want kiss you, touch you…” My lips lifted. “I want be with you, as you are. Don’t push me away.” She licked her lips and her brows set into a sad line as she spoke in a low whisper,

“I’m sorry.” “Hey…” My fingers skated up her hips and around her back as I pulled her close. “I don’t want your apologies. Next time just answer your phone.” I gave her a lopsided smile hoping to break up the darkness haunting her eyes. It worked. She laughed lightly. “Honestly, I stopped looking at my phone after your third text. I didn’t pick it up again until Kelly called, and I didn’t actually think you’d show up here.” “I told Kelly you would think I was a stalker when she gave me your address.” “It’s cute you were worried enough to drive over here in a blizzard. I feel like an asshole, if anything had happened, I—” I kissed her. The guilt had begun to resurface, spilling black into her brown eyes again. The palms of my hands fisted into the fabric of her sweater when she moaned. Her tongue swept past my lips and dipped into my mouth. It was my turn to groan as her sweet taste filled my senses. She lifted her arms and folded them around my neck. Her thumbs stroked the nape and the sensation trickled down my spine. I backed her into the counter as my hands cupped the curve of her ass. There was no anger left in me, only resolve. I wanted her and I wasn’t going to wait. Melissa’s insecurities weren’t enough to scare me away. I’d never felt so sure, so out of control, and I wanted to live in the feeling, in her scent, inside her. My lips found her jaw, her neck, and when my teeth nipped her earlobe, she wound her leg around mine closing off any remaining space between us. I wasn’t sure how long I kissed Melissa in that kitchen, or if she’d been too far gone as well, to notice the smell of burnt food, but when the smoke detector alarm made us both jump, we broke away from each other and started laughing like a couple of kids. Melissa was emerging. That youthful, colorful smile was painted broadly across her face as she rushed to the sink to grab a towel. She giggled as she turned off the stove and waved the rag back and forth below the smoke detector. I chuckled as I took the rag from her hand. “Watch and learn,” I shouted over the loud blare of the alarm. I quickly soaked the towel in the sink, wrung it out, and then draped it over the detector on the wall. The grating sound immediately stopped and Melissa looked at me in disbelief. “Holy shit…” She stared at the rag. “See… you’re perfect, you know everything.” My laugh echoed in the small kitchen. “Not really, I distracted you, and now your dinner is ruined.” She stirred the soup with the spoon that had been laying on the stove. “Nah. It’s just posole, the side’s burnt a little, but it still looks really good.” “Posole?” She repeated the word, this time with a heavier accent. “It’s a type of soup, and my favorite. I have enough…” She looked up from the pot and bit the corner of her nervous smile. “Are you hungry?”

I was a lot of things. “I am, I haven’t had dinner yet.” She nodded, a flash of guilt in her eyes. “Then stay.” My smile stretched across my face as her cheeks filled with heat. “Okay.”

“She didn’t just catch me on fire, she stayed around to burn with me.” Hayley Stumbo~



The scattered pictures of Melissa’s family hung on her wall, writing me a perfect page of her life. She’d told me a little more about her family when we’d eaten dinner. She offered me small glimpses into her past. She’d told me, that even though she’d been the troublemaker, Maria hadn’t always been the responsible one either. I found myself comparing her sister to Liam, and wishing I would’ve known Melissa back then. I scanned the photographs of her father and mother as they watched their daughters grow in each snapshot. An ache formed like a knot in my chest as I realized the pictures of Melissa stopped after she’d become a teen. No prom pictures, no high school memories. Just Maria and Jordan. I couldn’t help the questions that formed on my tongue, but she’d asked for time, and I’d promised that her past wasn’t relevant, so I swallowed down my curiosity. I smiled as I noticed a picture with a much skinnier version of Melissa. She wasn’t a teen, maybe mid-twenties, but she was sitting in a bumper car with what looked like a six or seven-year-old Jordan. “That picture is terrible.” Melissa’s gentle hand linked with mine and the heat of her body surrounded me. “You look so different,” I noted. She didn’t agree or disagree. When I turned to gauge her expression, her eyes were focused on the wall ahead. Her face indifferent. I squeezed her hand and asked, “How old is Jordan in that picture?”

“Six,” she answered immediately but kept her eyes forward. “He looks just like you.” I chuckled and turned toward the kitchen. “Need my help cleaning up?” I asked after a moment. “I got it all, but thanks.” She released my hand, and I met her blank stare. “I should’ve helped clean up.” “I pushed you out for a reason.” Her smile returned allowing the spark I loved to light her eyes. The ache in my chest unfurled. “Not enough room in there, you’re a giant.” “I’m not that big, you’re just a hobbit.” She huffed out a laugh. “A hobbit?” I nodded. “Yup, a sexy hobbit who makes awesome soup.” “I thought you said it was terrible?” She raised her brow. “It was pretty bad, but I’d eat it again.” I was kidding and she knew it. The giggle that parted her plump lips had the truth spilling from my own. “Best soup I’ve ever had.” Melissa’s eyes brimmed with… was it pride? My grin stretched as she leaned into me. It wasn’t something I was expecting to feel, and maybe it was some deep-rooted, caveman crap, but I really liked having her serve me—feed me. She was a damn good cook, and I could see myself sitting across from her, eating dinner with her every night. “It’s getting late,” she whispered and I draped my arm around her waist. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to stay. I did. But I felt the shift in the air between us, the cool burst of dismissal. “I should let you get to sleep.” I dropped my arm and turned toward the table where I’d left my jacket. I didn’t look at her, fearing what I would see in her dark eyes when I asked, “When can I see you again?” I reached the table, but before I could even lift my jacket from the back of the kitchen chair, I felt her hot hands on the curve of my shoulders. “I want you to stay,” her whispered words trembled. Her hands skimmed along my ribcage and rested on my waist once I turned to face her. Melissa’s brown eyes were hooded, and I couldn’t resist lifting my hand to her face. My thumb trailed across the scorching skin of her cheek, her lips. “Are you sure?” I asked hoping for a yes. “The weather…” My smile crept slowly across my lips. I wasn’t sure if it made me a bad person, but I thought it was cute that she was this nervous about asking me to stay. “I have four-wheel drive. I’ll be fine.” My playful intentions were obvious. The humor in my voice put a sassy-as-fuck scowl on her lips as she shoved my chest —hard. I barked out a laugh as I pulled her against me. “Do you want me to stay because of the weather, or because…”

“I don’t want you to leave,” she said. “I… I’ve never really had anyone over here before… well, besides family.” “It’ll be a first for both of us tonight.” The husky sound of my voice betrayed my confidence. The rapid beat of my pulse dotted every word. My hands rested on either side of her neck, my fingers sliding into her hair as I tipped her head back. Melissa was the perfect mixture of want and fear. The definition of desire was the curve of her mouth, the flush of her cheeks and the gold flecks in her eyes. When our mouths finally joined together it was the yes I’d needed. The invitation I’d craved. She was training me, pacing me, and I’d let her hold all the ropes, as long as I could have her… all of her. Her hands found their way under my shirt, her nails dragging along the ridges of my abdomen. A quiet hum of appreciation kick started my heart as she lowered her thumbs just below the waistline of my jeans. My shaky hands cradled her head until our slow kiss evolved into fisted hair and biting teeth. I only parted from her mouth to taste the line of her jaw, lick the beat of her pulse just below her ear, and when she shivered I smiled along the bow of her throat. She curled her hand into the front of my shirt and I ran mine down the length of her body as she draped her other arm around my neck. Melissa stood on her tiptoes as I captured her lips again, but it wasn’t enough, I needed her closer. I gripped the backs of her thighs and lifted her body in one, fluid, swift motion. Her legs closed around my hips, and I walked her to the bed. We were falling, lips together, hearts aligned, and when her back hit the mattress, the weight of my body, my need, it held her still beneath me. She pulled at my shirt, and I lifted it over my head with one arm, keeping the other wrapped around her. I brought my mouth back to hers as I raised her sweater. I kissed her belly, her hip, and my fingers folded around the waistband of her pants. They slid off her legs, revealing everything to me, and after I tossed them to the ground, I pressed my lips to her inner thigh. She whispered my name, and it was the first word uttered over the past five minutes. It filled the quiet space of her apartment, and I liked the sound of it, as if my name belonged to these walls. From between her legs, I watched the way her mouth opened as I tasted her. The feminine scent, it was all Melissa, and it flooded my tongue as I savored and licked. She lifted her hips, fighting my rhythm, fighting against the torture of my slow feast, and when her hands ripped at my hair, I slid two fingers inside her. I won deep, breathless whimpers, her pleasure was a drug, and I could listen to her pant all night long. “Kieran,” she begged. “Come here.” She tugged at my hair, and I couldn’t help but chuckle as I kissed a path up her body. I pushed her sweater over her breasts and was more than happy to see she didn’t have on a bra. I brought the dark peak of her right nipple into my mouth as she pulled her sweater over her head and threw it.

She raised onto her elbows, and I took a moment to admire her. The light from the lamp created deep shadows across her tan skin. Goose bumps lined the teardrop shape of her breast as I drew circles around the tight nipple with my tongue. Every inch of her skin was flawless, and if I hadn’t already seen it, I wouldn’t have even noticed her surgical scar. The tips of my fingers traced the barely raised skin and her eyes closed. “I like this.” “It’s a scar,” she said as she tipped her head back. “I’m nervous enough as it is, just looking at you…. you’re everything I imagined… everything…” Melissa’s eyes popped open. “We all have something that makes us who we are. It’s ours and ours alone. This scar… it makes you human.” She sat up and I leaned back onto my jean-clad calves. Her eyes glistened and I worried if what I said had upset her. “What makes you human?” she asked. Her whisper felt small and fragile as her big brown eyes appraised me. “You.” I cupped her cheek and she smiled. “You make me feel like a man.” She swallowed, and the glitter I’d seen in her eyes had disappeared “You make me remember how it feels to be worth something.” She was worth so much more than she gave herself credit for. I’d only known her a short while and I could already see how fucking amazing she was. “With me… you’ll always know, Mel, always. You’re worth so much more than you know.” She shifted onto her knees without a word. The silhouette of her body was lined by the buttery lamp light. The thick, dark waves of her hair fell over her shoulder, and as I trailed the pads of my thumbs over the silk skin of her hips, she lowered her lips to the corner of my mouth. Her kiss was tender at first, but as her tongue parted my lips, the kiss became a run-on sentence. Long strokes and no time for a breath. She situated her body just to the side of where I was kneeling and my grip fell from her hips. Her gaze held mine and her steady hands unbuckled my belt as she said, “Lie down.” It wasn’t a command, it was an offer. I took it. My back hit the mattress as I lifted my hips enough to pull off my jeans and boxer briefs. Melissa shoved them onto the floor and straddled my thighs. Holy shit. My throat closed as our eyes devoured each other’s naked forms. She was an hourglass, and my pulse was a deep bass beat. Her hand gripped the length of my dick and a shuddered breath exhaled from my lungs. I grit my teeth as she worked her grip in a lazy rhythm, pumping her small hand up and down. There wasn’t much in the world I would die for. My brothers, and maybe even my God, but the way Melissa’s thumb swept the head of my dick, the way she was teasing me with easy strokes… I’d die to feel relief, to be inside her, to fill her up, watch her fall apart

above me. She leaned across my body and released her hold. The tip of my dick brushed against her, and I almost lost it right then and there. I closed my eyes when her lips touched mine, the sweet taste of her mouth calmed the stirring waters inside me, the wild rapids only she was capable of conjuring. She kissed my cheek, my jaw, and whispered into my ear, “Do you have a condom?” No. No, I did not. I exhaled a sharp breath. “I don’t.” I hoped she couldn’t hear the stuttered desperation in my voice. She sat up, and just the sight of her—her caramel skin—it was all on display, and I felt like a kid denied his one wish on Christmas. She ran her hand through my hair and giggled. “You look so sad right now.” “I wouldn’t say sad.” I gave her my best lopsided grin even though inside I was slowly dying. “Hear me out.” She bit the side of her lip and I nodded. “I’m on the pill. And I’ve been tested. So, technically…” “We don’t need a condom.” Anxiety trickled into each beat of my heart as she nodded and lowered her mouth to mine again. Every performance fear a man could have ran through my head. All my inexperience rattled inside my ribcage with each irregular beat of my heart. But the way she felt, her skin, her hands in my hair, our bodies pressed together, it felt right, natural, and the panic faded into the feel of her lips on mine. Our kiss became urgent as my hands moved down her waist, past her hips, and between her thighs. She moaned and broke away, lifting the heat of her body from my chest. Melissa took my hands, guided them back to her waist as she hovered just above me, and when her fingers gripped my length, a low growl vibrated inside my chest. Her eyes were locked on mine, her touch held me prisoner, and as she positioned her body, she allowed the tip of my dick to slide slightly inside her. My eyes tried to close, but I wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t let myself miss this. I wouldn’t succumb to the loud rush of blood in my veins. The rise and fall of her chest was heavy as she lowered herself, as I slid into the slick warmth of her. The world as I knew it had come to an end. She didn’t move, and neither did our eyes. She was watching me, and I was falling. Falling for the pink of her cheeks that dripped down onto her chest. Falling for the wet heat of her body and how it grounded me. Falling for the way her mouth was open, her perfect lips unable to hold back her soft moan as I filled her completely. Every breath I took connected her to me. We were one in the same, and when she finally rocked her hips, my fingers dug into her flesh. “Melissa.” Her name strained past my lips. I was in agony and I never wanted to be cured.

The palms of her hands rested on my chest as she moved once, and then again. The muscles in my stomach burned as her mouth crashed into mine. She kept moving, but I couldn’t find the words to tell her to stop. My teeth nipped at her chin. My hands failed to guide her pace. She was too tight, felt so good, and I sensed that build at the base my spine as I growled for her to stop. “Fuck.” I groaned and sat up bringing us chest to chest. She adjusted her legs to the new position and we both took a minute to breathe. Her body consumed me fully as her heels dug into the flesh of my lower back. Buried inside her, my eyes fell to where our bodies were connected, and I sucked in a strangled breath when she rolled her hips. “You’re trying to end this before we even get started?” I asked and her overly pleased smile made me laugh. Her fingers tickled the nape of my neck before they traveled to my shoulders. “Touch me.” Her whisper was warm against my mouth and the heat of it fed the building ache, the impatience of release begging for attention. She fell back onto the palms of her hands, the angle pulling me in even deeper. I stopped breathing entirely. If I moved one muscle I was done. After I silently counted to five, I was able to take three even breaths, but it did nothing to ease my furious pulse. I wasn’t ready for the end. I couldn’t let go. I kept a firm grip on her hips as I moved both of our bodies at once. She fell onto her back and when our connection broke I stifled another groan. She was splayed out before me with a soft smile. I massaged the muscles of her inner thighs as I pulled them apart. My teeth pinched the skin of her thigh as I moved up her leg with my lips. Our scents had blended together, and I took my time memorizing the new taste, sucking on that sensitive bundle of nerves that would eventually have her crying out my name if I allowed it. My lips touched her, tasted her, kissed her thighs, her stomach—her mouth. Each part of her was a prayer offering me release. Touching Melissa was like praying the rosary. She was the new prayer I would learn and memorize and worship. Being with her like this had the same effect on my heart, on my soul, as when I’d knelt each night with those familiar beads between my fingers. She held a power over my heart, the ability to break it, own it, and as my lips whispered her name against the skin of her temple, I pushed inside her. There was no shame in her eyes. No guilt in my heart. We were meant to be linked like this. I pressed deeply, digging for more as our mouths bruised and bit. Each one of her breaths belonged to me as our bodies let go of control. My hands framed her face, and I held her stare as I moved above her. The muscle in my jaw tensed as my shoulders went rigid. Melissa’s nails raked across my back, and I growled into her mouth. Her fingers pressed into the muscles of my hip eliciting another low growl as her legs wound tightly around me. Sweat beaded on my forehead and along my back. I wanted her to have it all, give her everything she was giving me as I slipped my hand between us and touched her.

“Oh, God,” she gasped as her body clenched, and shuddered, and drew my climax to its end. I swore when the flash of heat lit my spine. The rope that I’d barely been holding snapped and I became pure fucking feeling. There were no syllables. No words. There was no heaven… no hell. There was only her. Just… her.



Heat and a divine heaviness surrounded me as the weight of Kieran’s body held me underneath the blanket of his scent. My chest fell with shallow breaths as I sipped from his reverential mouth. His limbs trembled under the slow graze of my fingertips and once his lips parted from mine, they spread into a vivid smile. I’d always had two fractured halves of a heart floating inside my chest. Both parts swollen and bruised, but as his hand drifted down my face, his thumb leaving its print along my cheek, I began to feel the muscle being pulled back together. His touch was love and soul. After tonight, after being with him, I had a new high to chase. His deep blue eyes connected with mine and lifted every hair on my body. And, when my mouth split into a broad smile, his muscles relaxed as his cheeks filled with pink. I brought my fingertips to the strong line of his jaw and he shut his eyes. “You look different,” I whispered softly, and his eyes opened on a chuckle. “Yeah?” “Mm-hmm. Less… burdened. A little lighter, I think.” “I feel…” He dropped his face into the crook of my neck. When he spoke, the heat of his breath tickled my overheated skin. “I should be able to describe it, but I can’t… I just feel it… feel you.” He was inside me, his release still flickering in his eyes when he looked at me again. “That was… I’m so glad I waited.” Kieran’s nose skimmed along the length of my shoulder with a long inhale, and I giggled lightly. “Why? Was it bad?” He lifted his head, his eyes round, his brows raised. “Hell no, that was the single most amazing experience of my entire life, but I’m glad I waited because I got to share it with you.” My heart squeezed out two achingly perfect beats. I wanted to sink inside that declaration, but the cynical half of my brain told me I couldn’t. I shouldn’t fully fall in

love with what he’d just said. I knew the truth. I’d taken his innocence like a thief in the night. He didn’t really know me. He only saw what I’d shown him, and underneath the façade, I was nothing more than a liar with a wicked lure. He rolled his body in one graceful turn and settled onto his side. His hand splayed across my belly and his fingers began to draw long lines up and down my flesh. He nervously chewed on his bottom lip—his silence a shroud. “You’re making me nervous. What are you thinking about?” I asked. His throat worked on a swallow. “Did I… I mean, it felt like you…” Kieran’s face flamed and the sweet color of his cheeks pulled me from the threatening shadows. “You want the truth?” He frowned. “Shit… maybe sugar coat it?” I laughed and his smile became the last bit of sunlight I needed. “Kieran…” I licked my lips and let the gallop of my heart rate mow down a few of my own defenses. My face sobered and I sat up, placing my hand on his arm. “The truth…” The roar of blood behind my ears made it hard to hear my own shaking voice. Honesty shouldn’t be this scary. But it was. “It was perfect. You… are perfect.” I shrugged. “I’m honored that you shared this with me. I’ve only ever been with my ex, and he was always high.” Pity dulled the brightness in his eyes, and my stomach soured with shame. I didn’t deserve those sad blue eyes. He dusted his fingers across my cheek, and I fell into his touch. “He was?” My eyes closed and then opened in what felt like slow motion. I wanted to say the words. I wanted to tell him just one simple truth. He deserved it. But he was perfect, and it’d been forever since I’d known what it was like to be happy. I was weak. A selfish, awful coward. And I loaded up another half-truth. “Yeah.” I broke away from his intense gaze, too afraid to read the disgust in his features. “It was the only way he could get in the mood…” The only way either of us could. “And, after a while, I think we both forgot what it was like to feel… I’ve been numb for so… so long.” “Hey… look at me.” Kieran’s tone was a soft demand without a hint of judgment. My eyes singed with tears that had forced their way to the surface as I met his gaze straight on. Every last breath I owned vanished. The way he appraised me, his stare was filled with calm, azure waters and an understanding etched across his dipped brows. His eyes held me in silent vigil and they whispered across the small space, you mean something to me. “Don’t shut down… not now… not after—” “Some things shouldn’t be dredged up, Kieran. They should stay forgotten. I can’t—” He leaned up onto his elbow and brought his mouth just inches from mine. His lips kissed the corner of my mouth, my cheek before he made his way to the sensitive spot just below my ear and whispered, “I never want you to feel numb again.” All the nerve endings in my body danced. “I don’t think it’s possible for me to feel

anything but fire when I’m next to you.” He leaned back, his confident smile sitting proud on his face as his hand palmed my cheek. Kieran’s tongue wet his full bottom lip, and the motion pooled low between my legs, desperately aware of what that tongue was capable of. I watched as his arousal deepened his breathing, hardened his dick, and made the clear color of his eyes flash with need. I stopped thinking about the dragon in my veins and how his memory was ancient. How, at any moment, my war against addiction could be lost. How it might’ve already been forfeit. I was clearly addicted to the feelings I had for Kieran. He was all that mattered. He had no idea how easily I could fall for him, and how fast I could destroy everything he’s ever wanted. But, even though I was a liar, I hoped that I could make him happy. I could give him what he needed. My history would never be rewritten, and as Kieran’s hand slid down to my neck, his strong fingers pulling me in, I made up my mind. He never needed to know. He didn’t have to know. It was like that old saying, what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, and I never wanted to hurt him. Who I’d been wouldn’t define our future. He was here, alive and wanting, and I could give him what was left of me. What was left of me could be good enough. My mouth explored his as my hand wandered shamelessly down the hard muscle of his defined chest. He fell onto his back with a quiet hum as I delicately folded my fingers around his length. “Tell me what you want. Let me make you happy.” The words in my head tumbled out of my mouth, and he closed his eyes with a groan as his hands fisted into my hair. I savored the sensation of his soft skin as I worked my hand up and then down, stealing his ability to speak beyond a roughly gasped “fuck” and “just like that.” I admired the tightening of his stomach muscles, the desperate look in his eyes when he finally opened them. His hold on my hair dropped suddenly and fell to my hip. He reached his other hand to grab me in a quick motion that had me straddled over his thighs in less than ten seconds. His strength, the way he tossed me around like I weighed nothing, made me feel fragile, but in a good way. I bent over and tasted the tip of his cock. Playing with him a little. When he hissed and lifted my chin with his finger I smiled. “You’re teasing me.” “I am.” I sank my teeth into my bottom lip. “I like it…” His fingers dug into the flesh of my hips as he lifted my body and aligned himself at my entrance. “But this is so much better,” he said. His blue eyes turned dark as he gave himself over to the storm and lowered me onto his body. I shivered as he slid inside me. The pulse between my legs welcomed the full feeling. I’d felt empty for far too long. An unrestrained groan rumbled in his chest, and I leaned down to kiss him. Our mouths moved in a smooth, measured pace that matched the rise

and fall of his hips and the sway of my own. He was making love to my mouth, and the heat of our bodies coming together gathered along my skin and stuttered past my lips in shameless whimpers and needy moans. We stayed like that for most of the night. Wrapped inside the other. After I’d decided I wasn’t going to let my past haunt my future, I let go. I let go and I’d let him have every piece of me. I just hoped that, in the morning, he’d still want what was left.

The next morning, the snow had slowed and the roads were not as treacherous as I’d thought they’d be. Kieran had been able to get to work on time without any problems, but he hadn’t left in a hurry either. When my alarm had gone off, I’d opened my eyes and, for a moment, allowed myself back into the negative head space. But that was before Kieran had flung his arm across my stomach, pulled me close and uttered in the sexiest sleep voice possible, “Don’t even think about moving.” He was a starved man on a mission. My muscles ached, but I’d let his broad, masculine form consume me again before we’d both begrudgingly left the confines of my bed for a long hot shower. Even now, as I stood in the kitchen at my family’s restaurant, my smile would not fade. The soreness between my thighs was a reward. A reminder that I was still a walking, breathing, human woman. I couldn’t decide what I liked better. His hands on my shower-slick body, worshipping every curve, or the noises he’d made when I’d washed his hair. “Mija. There are customers. Apúrate!” My father’s deep voice called from the kitchen doorway, breaking through my dirty thoughts. I tried to ignore how his knowing stare assessed me. I swear, my father could smell a lie and a man from a mile away. “I am hurrying,” I mumbled under my breath as I grabbed a basket of tortilla chips and a bowl of salsa. “You got your head in the clouds today.” He brushed past me and grabbed two more baskets. “Grab a tray, table six wants two waters and three Cokes.” He was a cyclone as he turned to our cook, Javier, and began to bark out orders in Spanish. He wasn’t usually this bristly. “What’s the matter, Papa?” He stopped mid-step and locked his eyes on me. “What’s the matter? We’ve been open for lunch for an hour already and your head is either buried in your phone, or like I said, up in the clouds. At first I was…” Worried. He was always worried, because no matter what I did, my parents would always think a change in my behavior meant I was back on drugs. I couldn’t be angry with them, because it was my fault they watched me like a hawk.

“I’m not on drugs.” He cocked his eyebrow. His dark brown eyes searching mine. “I know that.” But his smile was forced. “The guy I was telling you about the other day…” “The ‘just one date’ guy?” he asked, his lips twitching into an almost real smile. “The boy from church?” I stifled my teenage angst-y ass groan. “He’s really… nice.” His smile spread slowly. “He’s nice?” I nodded. “You like him?” I nodded again because the relief on my father’s face had formed a boulder in my throat. “This is great news!” He clapped his hands before resting them on my cheeks. “What’s great news?” My mother’s eyes met mine from across the kitchen as she walked in, and I prayed she couldn’t see my sudden swell of tears. “The boy from church,” my father said by way of explanation. My mom’s eyes lit as if this was a topic of conversation they’d both had recently and my shoulders slumped. It didn’t matter how old I got, I’d always be their baby, and no matter what, they’d always support me. By sheer will alone my tears dried before they spilled, and I shrugged out of my father’s hold. “You are both nosy old bats.” “I’m not old,” my father said a little dejected. “But I am?” My mother’s harassed expression made me giggle. “Gordita…” he hedged. “You are just as beautiful as the day I met you.” My mother rolled her eyes and the familiar banter actually made me feel relieved. I was dating again, it wasn’t an act of Congress. “This boy—” “He’s twenty-seven, so I think calling him a boy is sort of insulting.” My father narrowed his eyes at my interruption and asked, “When do we get to meet him?” I averted my eyes and started loading the tray with chips and salsa before I moved to the soda machine. “Melissa.” Mom had always been good at drawing out each syllable of my name like I was toddler. I filled one glass with ice and Coke and brought it over to the tray before meeting my parents’ curious gazes. Where was Maria when I needed her? She’d met Kieran, maybe

she could whet their appetite for knowledge. “It’s really new. We’ve only been on a few dates…” And fucked like bunnies last night and this morning. “Maybe I’ll invite him to go with us to church.” I wouldn’t. This seemed to appease them because my mom strolled over to the line window and grabbed two plates filled with beans, rice, and tacos from under the warmer. Dad finally stopped stabbing me with questioning eyes. “Maria said he was very handsome, young, but handsome.” My mom gave me a small smile. “Why does Maria get to meet him?” my dad asked and then swore in Spanish under his breath. “It was a fluke,” I argued. I wanted to protest. Tell them I was almost thirty years old. That they didn’t get to gossip about me behind my back anymore. But for once they were asking me about my love life in a way that didn’t have guilt riding my spine. “Have you met his parents?” my dad asked. My pulse skipped a beat. I’d never get to meet his parents. “His parents passed away.” A small, strangled sound gasped from my mother’s mouth. “That’s terrible.” I nodded. “So, maybe lay off a bit, okay. His mom died last spring.” “His father?” My dad linked his hand with my mom’s and my throat narrowed. “A while ago.” I walked over to my dad and placed a kiss on his cheek. “Let me get to know him a little more before we bring him into our crazy family?” My mother’s soft smile reached her eyes as she watched us. My father gently tugged on my braid. “If he’s a smart boy, he’ll do whatever it takes to be a part of this crazy family.” My father had no idea how smart Kieran was, but I did, and I tried not to let that scare me.

“He fell asleep on the weight of a woman and woke up tied to the sky.” Hayley Stumbo~



There was something to be said about the side effects of sex and how once you’ve laid yourself out there for someone, there’s no turning back. Not that I wanted to, but I found it hard to concentrate on a minute-to-minute basis when Melissa wasn’t around and wishing that she was. I’d find myself lost in thoughts, pen to paper, and three pages later I’d wake up from my daydreams and read what I’d written. It was an out-of-body experience every time. Who wrote those words? She had me writing with a vivid, elicit, raw hand. I’d reread the passages over and over again and wonder how I’d never once been able to write like that before her. It was only after the nights she stayed over that the words leaked from the pencil as if the faucet inside my brain had no off switch. And I loved it, loved… Liam’s raucous laughter saved me from myself, saved me from thinking foolishly again, and brought my surroundings back into focus. The table I’d been sitting at for the past fifteen minutes was filled with food and family. Liam’s apartment smelled like cinnamon, sage, apples, and warmth. Paige and Kelly had spent all morning cooking while my brothers and I were forced to sit on the couch and watch football. Forced. I think I was the only one Kelly had to yell at to “get the hell out” of her kitchen. “See what I mean, he’s like a teenaged girl over there.” Liam’s smart mouth lifted my eyes from my plate. My brother’s lack of filter, those stern appraising eyes, he had a way of stripping a man to his core, and I could feel the flush in my cheeks as everyone stared at me. But, I

recovered quickly, like I always did, and stuffed away my boyish embarrassment. “What stupid shit are you talking now?” I asked with a sly smirk and it made Kelly laugh and it pissed Liam off. Win number one. “I think…” Kelly sipped from her glass of white wine. “What Liam was trying to say, is that you’re a little head over heels for Mel.” “Maybe,” I admitted with a nonchalant shrug, but I was feeling anything but. Melissa had changed me… turned me inside out. We’d practically spent every night together since I’d stayed over at her place almost two weeks ago. Things between us had been moving fast, but I loved it. Loved waking up with her in my arms. Loved smelling her on my skin, my sheets. Loved how her toothbrush had found its way into my bathroom. We always seemed to blame the icy roads, or the late hour. “Might as well stay,” I’d say. Or “I don’t want you driving in this shit.” Both being true, but I loved just being with her, too. The feelings I had for her were becoming something bigger, more infinite, and maybe it should’ve worried me, but I welcomed it, welcomed her inside my heart and my head. “She’s at his place every damn night.” Liam lowered his eyes with a smirk before shoveling a mouthful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. When I’d bucked up and told Liam about being with Melissa, he’d given me advice instead of giving me shit. He’d told me, over our usual morning coffee, to be careful, that love was half hope and half fear. Hope that the feeling inside your heart would never fade, and fear that the feeling might not have been real in the first place. “Don’t mix that shit up, little brother. Sex is sex. Love is an entirely different beast. Have fun, be safe, and know when to walk away if that feeling in your heart fades… don’t fucking stay because you think you should, or because you think you owe shit to anyone. Take care of you…” Those words of wisdom came with a hard punch to the shoulder and a box of condoms that he’d stashed in his workstation ages ago. He hadn’t asked for any details, and he spared me the awkward jokes at my expense. Maybe I’d been feeling nostalgic that morning, the first morning after getting laid could do that to a guy, but he’d treated me like I was his son instead of his brother, and instead of annoying me, it had felt pretty damn good. “I’m excited to meet her,” Paige said with a genuine smile in her voice, and I turned my gaze. “I’m starting the mural at Irene’s on Monday. It’s her first day, right?” I nodded. “Yeah, she’s nervous as hell, but don’t tell her I said anything.” Paige laughed and the sound of it made Declan smile. Ever since Kelly had asked Paige to paint a mural on the back wall of the main room of the shelter, Paige’s baby blues had seemed to slowly disappear. Declan had told me just the other day Paige was going on about having a purpose, getting out more, and he’d said she was starting to get better day by day. The smile on her face, and the way it turned her alabaster cheeks pink was proof enough she was on the mend.

“I won’t say a word,” Paige promised and shifted Royal from her left side to her right and settled him on her lap. Declan kissed the top of Indie’s head. She was sitting in his lap blowing spit bubbles and when I chuckled, he gave me his full attention. “Is Melissa with her family today?” he asked. “Yeah, but she works tonight, so they had dinner earlier.” “She has to work on Thanksgiving?” Paige asked with a furrow in her brow. “It’s her last night.” I said with more enthusiasm than I should’ve, and I immediately felt guilty. It was her last night at The Western, and I couldn’t help that I was somewhat relieved. I cared about Melissa, and some primitive part of my soul hated that she had to cater to men as if she gave two shits about them. Melissa wasn’t property, I knew she wasn’t mine, but she was a part of me now, she was special to me and deserved so much more than a dirty little spot behind the bar. “She’s off early though, right?” Kelly asked, and I nodded. “Yup, and I’m supposed to save her some pie, so keep the pumpkin pie away from Liam’s fat ass.” Liam gave me the middle finger, and I laughed as he growled, “Fuck off.” “Guys!” Kelly almost squeaked. “There are children at the table.” “Don’t bother, Kelly. At this rate, their first words will be R-rated if Liam has anything to do with it.” Declan’s smile reached his eyes and Paige just shook her head with a soft giggle. “I’ll take them to church with me, Declan, it will all even out,” I joked and the table erupted with laughter again. It wasn’t long before everyone broke off into their own side conversations, and I was left to my own thoughts again. The snow was falling outside, and the city lights reflected colorful prisms through the frozen flakes as I looked out the open, floor-to-ceiling windows that framed the back wall of Liam’s place. The city seemed motionless and cool, but this room, this apartment, it was heated with words and love and family, and even though this was the first Thanksgiving without my mother, our mother, it wasn’t a somber event. She was present in Declan’s eyes, and in Liam’s smile, in my heart. Each one of us boys had our beliefs, but sitting here, watching the happiness hover over the table like an ethereal fog, I had no doubt she was here with us. It wasn’t until an hour later while Declan and I pulled cleaning duty in the kitchen, that one of us would finally mention her. “I wish Mom could’ve been here,” Declan said in a low whisper as he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. “I know. Me, too.” “We should’ve said grace.” His watery blue eyes found mine.

“It’s Liam’s place, and it’s not his thing.” I clapped Declan on the shoulder and gave him a quiet smile. “I said it in my head though.” Declan’s chuckle made my pulse jump. “Me, too.” “See, we covered our bases.” “We stopped by the cemetery on our way over today. Paige put two pumpkins on her gravestone.” “Pumpkins?” He laughed and took a deep breath as he pushed off the counter. “Yeah, one said happy and the other said Thanksgiving.” “Paige is good people.” He nodded and lifted his chin. “Melissa… is she good people?” Something inside my chest squeezed so tightly it stole my breath. My stomach felt light as I answered, “I think so.” My lips spread involuntarily into a slow grin. Declan’s eyes smiled. “Liam told me about… that you…” “Fucking, Liam. He’s like a high school chick. I bet the whole shop knows.” Declan shook his head as he laughed. “Nah, if they know it’s only because they watch her leave every morning.” I huffed out an exhale. “It’s not a big deal.” He raised a brow. “It’s not? You went twenty-seven years without, and now…” “I like her.” More than I should. Liam’s whole “love is half hope and half fear” bullshit started to make sense. “I think you’ve stepped beyond the word like.” He playfully shoved my shoulder as he moved toward the sink. “But I fell in love with Paige the day she gifted me her gaze, so what the fuck do I know.” He knew more than any of us. Declan was honesty. He was truth without fear. He was human without any type of artifice. And he had me pegged. I had been fighting over words in my head for the past few days. Lust and love. Their meanings stirred inside my stomach as we finished cleaning. I wanted to be full-speed ahead in Melissa’s life, and maybe thinking over definitions and labels was a waste of time. I was in her life. She’d been in my bed nightly, for crying out loud. Maybe I had fallen for Mel the day she’d gifted me her gaze in that stuffy old cathedral after all. “I want what you and Paige have,” I said, and he turned to look at me. The soft lines around Declan’s eyes crinkled as he smiled bigger than I ever thought possible. “Then never, ever, let her go.” My eyes closed briefly and the picture flashed behind my lids. It was her smile, her hair, and how it always billowed across the sheets of my bed, her dimples, just for me, and

those dark eyes, and how they always seemed to hold me in place, level, and relieved. My eyes opened and met Declan’s. When I said the words, everything inside my heart clicked, and a new rhythm snapped into place. “I won’t.”

Melissa moaned and all the blood in my body drained to my groin. “You’re even sexy when you’re shoveling your face with pie,” I said with a grin, and Melissa glared at me from across the breakfast bar. “I do not shovel.” She smiled around another large forkful of pumpkin pie. “This is just so damn good.” An easy laugh split my lips and my chest filled with heat. “You’re lucky I was able to save you a few slices. Liam is a bastard when it comes to dessert.” “Isn’t he always a bastard?” “You speak the truth.” Her eyes darkened and she lowered them to her plate. I wasn’t sure what I’d said, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin the mood. I moved around the counter and stood next to where she sat on the stool. I lifted her chin and smiled at the stray bit of whipped cream she had on the corner of her lips. I leaned down and licked the seam of her mouth, tasting her along with the nutmeg and cream. I kissed her until she was breathless, until the shadows evaporated from her coffeecolored eyes. “How does it feel to be free?” I asked after I’d broken from her lips. “It was weird and sort of sad almost. I’m glad to be done, I’ve worked there for so long, and it holds… it’s like a time capsule of all that was shitty about my life, but I’ll miss it.” “You will?” I asked with a curious grin. “I’ll miss Jaime, he was like a father to me for a while, and if it wasn’t for him I would be…” She shifted on her stool and poked at the crust on her plate. “He was there for me when Chance passed away, and in a way, I owe him my life.” I cupped her cheeks and tipped her head back. “He isn’t going anywhere, you can still visit him.” There was a silver line building along the lower lid of Melissa’s eyes as she cleared her throat to speak. “When I walked out of there it was forever. He knows it, too. That life… it never happened, and The Western, it no longer exists.” But it did. It was a part of who she was, but instead of telling her how to feel, that was the Liam in my blood talking, I kissed her forehead. My thumbs moved in gentle strokes across her cheekbones as I pulled away. “The Western… Hmm, never heard of it,” I said with a teasing smile and she rolled her

eyes. She took another bite, ignoring my immature smirk. “Paige is excited to meet you on Monday.” “Ugh.” She turned to look at me and she had more cream on her lips. “Don’t remind me. I’m so fucking nervous.” I chuckled. “Don’t be. You’re freaking amazing, Mel. I tell you this all the time.” And I wondered if she ever believed me when I did. Her full lips parted with a sexy smile. “I like it when you call me Mel.” “Yeah?” She nodded and my eyes lowered to her cream-covered lips. The urge to taste her distracted me from more appropriate thoughts. I lifted my thumb to her lips and eased it across the curve, gathering the whipped cream along the pad. The moisture of her breath heated my skin as her lips separated, and when her tongue licked the tip of my thumb, I groaned. Her smiled turned mischievous. “You think you’re cute?” I asked as I gripped her chin gently, forcing her eyes to stay on mine. “No, but you do,” she said and watched me from under her lashes. Melissa and I were still figuring out our buttons. But I think I almost had her totally mapped out. Like now, the way her chest was rising and falling, a little faster with each second I denied her, each breath more shallow than the last. The way her cheeks flamed with need and how without even recognizing she had done it, she’d spread her legs open a few more inches for me. Melissa always tried to keep herself in perfect, controlled boxes, but I was a fast learner, and I knew when she was losing the battle. I stepped between her legs and took the fork from her hand letting it fall to the counter with a loud clang. She didn’t even flinch. “Is that a bad thing?” Her dark eyes were clouded and hooded with lust as I leaned down, closing off that pulsing emptiness between us. “No, I guess not,” she said as her eyes devoured my mouth. My laugh was soft as I brushed my lips against hers once and then again. I let my fingers trail down her jaw and neck. Tangling them into the long black waves of her hair as I whispered into her ear, “I missed you today.” She sighed and let her head fall back as I left kisses along her pulse line. She’d showered when she got here and was wearing a thin tank top she’d left over one night and my old U of U boxers. The worn material of the tank did nothing to hide the way her nipples hardened as goose bumps puckered the rest of her skin. My mouth explored her collarbone and my hands fell to her waist. She smelled like fall and men’s soap and her usual jasmine. Her skin was soft under my lips, and when I brought my

mouth to hers again, she wrapped her hands into my hair and pulled me even closer. My fingers wandered down past her hips and settled onto her thighs. The kiss was a slow burn to hunger, and when she whimpered into my mouth, her hands fell to my buckle. We parted with a needy gasp as she made quick work of my pants. It was too fast the way her small hand slipped past the waistline of my briefs. She gripped my hard length and my jaw pulsed. Tension gathered in my stomach as she worked her fingers from tip to stem. My hold on her hip became brutal and my head rolled forward as I fought for control. “Shit,” I growled past clenched teeth, my hand finding hers and subduing her pace. Melissa made me crazy. She made it hard to think as she doused me in flames, pushed me toward the threshold, pushed me to a place where there was nothing but her skin and a violent lust. Her nails marked my neck as I lifted her from the stool in a fast and hasty movement. The heavy chair almost fell, but I ignored it, fixing my eyes on hers as I tugged down her boxers. Melissa and I had learned the art of each other over these past two weeks. There were times when all I wanted to do was take my time. Taste the landscape of her body, breathe in her air, and hold her above me as she brought me to a peaceful oblivion. But then there were nights like this, where time was an enemy, and I couldn’t be inside her fast enough, hard enough… Our mouths met and the explosion of her sweet flavor across my taste buds took my breath away. My fingers slipped between her thighs, the slick wetness of her body always made me groan with approval. I made her crazy, too. “Kieran,” she breathed and stepped away. Her smile told me not to worry, it promised me everything I could ever want or need. We were both breathing in and out, struggling, wanting. We’d done this before, just two days ago, right here. Her hands had been braced on that very stool, her body bent and greedy as I’d taken her. But tonight, she had other plans it seemed. Melissa’s face was shaded with the color of rose, her bottom lip tucked tight between her teeth, her eyes sparkling with adrenaline. “I need you to take your time,” was all she said before she left a lingering kiss on my cheek and headed for the bedroom.



The tips of my fingers were pruned and raw. Stained red with heat as I hand washed the last of the brand new pots and pans Kelly had purchased for the shelter’s kitchen. The grand opening was barely two weeks away. On December twelfth, Irene’s would open its first phase to the community. Kelly couldn’t have picked a better time, and though she’d said she had wished she could’ve been open before the storms hit, at least she was making a home for women and their children before Christmas. I knew better than anyone what it felt like to be homeless, living on the snowy streets at Christmas. The random thought had my eyes squeezing shut. I hadn’t allowed myself to think about those kinds of things for the past couple of weeks. I’d spent most of my time in the present, with Kieran, at his place, lost in his kiss, his arms, and it was a blissful state of ignorance. It wasn’t until Thanksgiving night, when he’d mentioned I’d spoken the truth, that I remembered the monster living inside my chest. My eyes popped opened when I heard the swing of the kitchen door, and caught Kelly stumbling across the tiled floors in yoga pants and a parka. My laugh was unrestrained, and it felt good. The negative thoughts were whisked away by her scowl as she fumbled with her keys and let the several plastic bags she was holding fall to the floor. “Shit, Liam’s late, and I have about hundred pounds worth of groceries to grab from my car,” she said through a long sigh. I dried my hands and threw the damp towel onto the wide counter. “I can help, just put me to work.” She raised her eyebrows as she scanned the counter. “You washed everything?” I nodded. “Yup.” I stepped from behind the sink. “I just have to put away these last few things once they’ve dried. But I did as you asked. Everything is clean and ready for opening day.” “Wow.” Her eyes were saucers. “Mel, you’re a machine.” Before I had a chance to

disagree, she gave me a knowing smile and waved me off as she lifted a few of the bags onto the counter. “You washed and folded about fifty towels. You helped Elaine create the toiletry packs, and Paige told me you even asked her if she needed help. I feel like I should fire myself. This is only your first official day and you’re kicking ass!” I could feel the heat in my chest. The flush on my cheeks. I’d never been good with compliments. I’d had a lifetime of regret and that never meshed well with praise. “Thanks. But I still have an hour left, so I can help you put away these groceries.” She glanced at me with a conspiratorial little smirk. For a second, I could see the girl who’d once been a model. Kelly was beautiful, but every now and then, when her guard was down, her overwhelming confidence would knock you on your ass. I admired her and her strength. “Let’s get these groceries put away, and get out of here a little early. Have a drink?” “I don’t—” “Dinner, ice cream, coffee, I don’t care… girls’ night,” she whined at me with puppy dog eyes. “Oh, my God, do you pull this shit with Liam? Does he buy into it?” Her smile stretched across her face. “Every time, or I promise sex… He’s easy.” “Who’s easy?” Paige’s light voice sifted through the kitchen. Kelly and I both followed the voice to the kitchen door. “Hey, you! Are you finished?” Kelly asked, and I started to unpack the canned goods onto the counter. “For today. That wall is huge. I just hope I can have the mural done before opening day,” Paige said as she stuffed her hands into her pockets. She was wearing well-worn overalls that were spotted with paint and holes. “You will. I know you and Declan prefer more abstract, but the way you’ve captured the Salt Lake skyline, Paige, it’s seriously stunning.” “It really is,” I agreed. Paige met my eyes and gave me a shy smile. When she first got here I was knee deep in bleach and Borax without much time to chat. I’d been so nervous to meet her, meet another important puzzle piece to Kieran’s life. But I liked the quiet that followed her around. I was interested in meeting Kieran’s middle brother, Declan, too. I’d heard so much about him from Kieran he almost felt mythical. The artist whose hands were guided by the voices in his head. After meeting his second half today, I was even more intrigued. She was so pretty, with her ghostly gray-blue eyes and her light blonde hair that it almost hurt to look at her too long. All that innocence trapped inside her gaze. I felt as if all my sins were etched across my skin. Paige had looked right through me this morning, but her smile had offered me peace, and I’d realized I’d been worried for no reason. “Thank you.” She tipped her head down as if in thought and then glanced at all the groceries on the floor. “Are there more?”

“Yeah, but I have a few of the guys bringing them in.” As if on cue, a couple of the male staff members barreled into the kitchen with bags and boxes filled to the gills with supplies, food, and bottled water. It took only a few minutes for us to unburden their arms. Some of the guys gave Kelly a smile before they left the kitchen, most likely grateful for the small break from manual labor. I didn’t mind doing the dishes after I’d watched a few of those guys curse and holler as they’d tried to assemble about twenty, twin-size bunk beds. Once the last of the bags were dropped onto the floor, we sifted through the chaos. Kelly told us where things should go, and Paige and I hurried through the task of getting the cold foods put into the industrial-sized freezer and fridge. We worked in a comfortable silence, and by the time we were finished my bones and muscles started to ache in a way that sent a rush of pride down my spine. I’d worked a hard day. A long day. But the outcome of my labor would help someone else, and that was a feeling I’d never gotten from working at The Western Lounge. Kelly sighed and leaned against the counter after we finished. “I wonder where the hell Liam is.” Paige laughed and it shaded her cheeks with pink. “Declan said he was going over there to help him with the twins. Didn’t he tell you?” Kelly’s brow furrowed. “No! Asshole, thinks he can get out of grocery duties. He does this at home, too.” I laughed. “It’s a man thing.” Paige shrugged her shoulders. “Declan does most of the shopping.” Kelly narrowed her eyes. “I knew I married the wrong brother.” Our laughter filled the kitchen, but it was Paige who spoke first through our fit of giggles. She turned to look at me. “I think Kieran is coming over tonight. Declan’s been home all day with the kids, so I figured he’d need some guy time.” “I guess that answers my question. I was going to ask you to come to dinner with me and Mel.” “Kelly, it’s okay if you want to head over there. I don’t—” “Hell, no. Girls’ night,” she interrupted me with more enthusiasm than I thought was necessary. “And Liam’s in the dog house. He knew he was supposed to get his ass over here. It’s why he supposedly closed shop early.” “Come over when you’re done with dinner?” Paige asked. “The twins are in bed by eight.” As much as I wanted to see Kieran, I’d been at his place all weekend. Most men needed space, didn’t they? And I hadn’t heard from him much today. Things between us had moved so quickly, maybe space was a good thing. Besides, I had shit to catch up on. Laundry to do. I didn’t need to sleep, eat, and breathe him every night. Well, at least that was what I decided to tell myself. “Are you sure?” Kelly asked and Paige nodded. “Okay.”

“I think I’m going to pass though. I have a lot to do when I get home and seven a.m. comes early.” “You don’t have to be here that early.” Kelly protested. But I did. “It’s what you scheduled me.” “Well, I’m un-scheduling you. Sleep in, you did two days’ worth of work, and I’m sure Kieran would love to see you.” “It’ll be fun, no one ever comes over,” Paige said and her sad eyes almost convinced me. “Really, it’s okay, after we eat I’ll probably go home and pass the fuck out.” I smiled after I spoke, hoping they both couldn’t detect the nerves that shadowed my syllables. This was all too quaint. Girls’ night out, meeting the “sister.” Kieran and I had fallen into an addictive routine and if I wasn’t careful, if I didn’t mix it up, I’d start to crave it more and more and that was never good. I was already feeling needlessly empty because I wasn’t going to see him tonight. Life was busy, and I’d learned not to depend on others. I had to depend on me. It was the only way sobriety could work. And it worried me that I found myself craving him, his touch, his mouth on mine, his body filling all the cold places inside of me. “Fine. Dinner though, O’Malley’s?” Kelly asked. “Sounds good. I’m sweaty and look like shit, I’ll fit right in.” Paige laughed. “I wish I could go, maybe next time.” “I’m sure Declan won’t mind.” Kelly grabbed her purse from the counter. “I know. But—” “You miss your babies,” Kelly answered for her as she shouldered her bag. Paige’s smile was soft. “I do.” We said our goodbyes, and Paige left while I’d freshened up in the bathroom the best I could. My hands felt like sandpaper, and the little eye make-up I had on had smudged, thanks to the steam of the hot dish water I’d hovered over all afternoon. It hadn’t taken me more than five minutes, and I was ready to go. When I met Kelly in the lobby she was on the phone. She nodded her head at me and mouthed the word Liam. “Love you, too,” she said and then put her cell into her bag. Seemed like Liam was already out of the “dog house.” Kelly’s long hair was swept into a large bun and a few of the pieces had fallen loose throughout the day. I wasn’t a girl who ever really gave a shit about appearance, but here I stood in jeans and an oversized sweater with a day’s worth of sweat layering my skin, and Kelly still looked beautiful in yoga pants. “How do you still look so hot?” I asked with a smirk. Kelly’s laugh was doubtful. “I pretend to do hard labor all day, but really I’m just good

at direction.” I wanted to roll my eyes. Most of the day Kelly was helping everyone with something. Assembling the beds, folding the laundry I’d done, paperwork, and grocery shopping, if anything, she’d been busier than me. “You never give yourself enough credit.” She groaned. “You sound like Liam.” She tugged on the sleeve of my sweater. “Let’s go before Kieran calls me begging to drag you to Declan’s.” “Is he already over there?” I asked since I hadn’t heard from him for a couple of hours. “Yes. Liam told him you weren’t coming over after dinner while I was on the phone with him, and Kieran must have complained because Liam told him he was pussy whipped.” Kelly arched her brow with a grin. “Your husband is such an asshole.” I pressed my lips together to suppress my smile. “Tell me something I don’t know,” she said with a swoony smile.

O’Malley’s was packed wall to wall tonight for Monday night football. It smelled like fried food, stale beer, and cheap cologne. Kelly and I were sitting in one of the dark booths in the back by the pool tables in hopes we would be spared the drunk, hungry gazes of the customers. Besides Kelly and me, I think I only spotted maybe two or three other women here, and they seemed cozy next to their men. “This place isn’t normally such a meat market,” Kelly said before taking a bite of a French fry. “Now I kind of wish Kieran and Liam were here. Those two dudes playing pool keep eyeing you.” She snorted. “They’re eyeing you.” She waggled her black ceramic wedding band in my face. “I’m unavailable.” “Makes you more interesting,” I said and then took a bite of my burger. A quiet moan fell past my lips. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was. “For bar food, it’s pretty good, right?” I mumbled an almost coherent yes as I took another gigantic bite. The blue notification light on my phone lit and my pulse jumped, sending the swarm of butterflies into a chaotic dance as I wiped my hands on my napkin. I felt my cheeks fill with heat and Kelly’s smile grew as she watched me. I internally scolded myself for being so damn obvious. My sister gave me shit the other day about my “moon eyes” while I’d been texting Kieran. “Kieran?” she asked and I nodded. “You guys are so cute.”

I ignored her little observation and opened the text. Cabrón: I miss you. I felt my smile stretch across my face before I could stop it. I kept my head down. No need to give Kelly more ammunition. Me: I miss you, too. But I’m sure you’re enjoying your guy time with your brothers. Cabrón: I’ve had enough guy time to last me a lifetime. Come over with Kelly after O’Malley’s. Cabrón: Please. I could feel the burn of Kelly’s stare, but I kept my eyes glued to the phone. Me: It was a long day. I’m beat and smell like bleach. Cabrón: Mmm, sounds sexy. Me: It really is. These two guys won’t stop hitting on us. Cabrón: Do I need to come down there and kick some ass?! I’m sure Liam would be game. ;) I knew he was kidding, but I liked the possessive side of him. I’d only ever had a guy who was willing to share me with others. Kieran, I had no doubt, if he had to fight for me, he would. The ever-present ache inside my chest had slowly started to disappear the more I let Kieran in, and right now I felt another small part of it drift away. He’ll keep me safe. I’m his. Only his. Cabrón: I’m a little jealous Kelly gets to have drinks with you. Me: I’m not drinking. I’m eating the best cheeseburger in the world. Cabrón: That’s the bleach talking, O’Malley’s is only good for the beer. “What’s he saying?” Kelly’s impatience finally won. “He’s trying to convince me to come over.” “Just come with me.” “I really can’t.” Kelly’s doubtful brows knitted together, but before she could ask whatever question was brewing in her brown eyes my phone lit up again. Cabrón: Did Chance drink a lot? The burger and fries in my stomach went as heavy as a brick. It was such a casual way to ask about my nightmare of a life. He didn’t know the whole story, I told myself, but he was trying to piece me together. Why didn’t she drink? She wasn’t the addict, he was. Did drinking remind her of Chance? These were all questions probably running through his mind. Questions I should have answered before I’d let us get so close. Me: No, I have a problem with addiction.

It was the truth. A real truth painted in the wrong color. Cabrón: I get it. Me, too. My dad was a drunk, remember. Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. My throat contracted painfully and the heat in my face drained into a cool sweat. It was an effort to hide my shaking fingers from Kelly as I typed my reply. Me: Nothing to be sorry for. Cabrón: Eat. And if you change your mind, I’ll be here. Me: I’m just going to crash tonight. I’ll text you tomorrow. Cabrón: Denial is the definition of heartbreak. His usual parting gift loosened the grip my lies had around my neck, and I smiled. I normally didn’t reply, but tonight I felt like changing up the pattern. I’d let too many old demons ruin my mood. The ache that he so easily remedied had returned. I needed a fix. Me: Let’s make sure we see each other tomorrow. Cabrón: Tomorrow is the definition of teasing, but he’ll wait forever for her. I laid my phone onto the table with a slow hand, my eyes stinging with unexpected tears. When I finally braved a glance at Kelly, confusion colored her gaze. He’ll wait forever… The words strangled me as I tried to suck in a breath, tried to stifle the sob building in my throat. The panic seized my lungs. “Melissa?” The alarm in Kelly’s tone made it difficult to hang on to the thin seams that held me together. “Breathe.” “I-I’m…” She reached across the table for my hand, but I pulled it back. A shuddered breath pushed through my lips as I exhaled, and her usual kind eyes had clouded with fear. “Breathe… Mel. What’s wrong?” “He’ll wait forever,” I choked out. “Who? Melissa, who are you talking about… Kieran?” She was talking slowly like you would to a person ready to jump off a bridge. Maybe I was. Maybe it was exhaustion or maybe all my lies had finally drowned me. Guilt was a sharp weapon and it had been slowly cutting me open since our first kiss. How would he feel if he’d known where my mouth had been? How would he like it if he knew I’d danced naked for money? What would he say when he found out I used to snort pills, inject poison into my veins? Would he wait forever then? Would he look at me with those bright blue eyes with such value then? I was trash, and I’d polluted him. I’d made him filthy with my fingers and lips and he had no idea. None. Nausea crawled up my throat.

“I’m a liar,” I whispered on a sob. She looked down at my phone and then back at me. “Did you just lie to Kieran or something?” she asked. I needed to calm down, but just saying those words out loud, “I’m a liar”, eased the pain pressing down on my shoulders. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted her to look at me with anger, and hate, and tell me how disgusting I was. I wanted to give her the burden so Kieran wouldn’t have to ever bear it. “I’ve lied to him, to you… about everything.” Kelly’s shoulders straightened. “You’re not making any sense.” “Listen.” I sucked in a breath of courage. “I needed this job, Kelly. I needed to get the hell away from The Western.” “I know. Liam told me it was a strip club.” She relaxed. “You know I would never give a shit about—” “I used to be a stripper. Not just a bartender. I used to be a lot of things.” My eyes fell to the table. “Kelly, I’m so afraid of who I used to be. I’m afraid every time I look at Kieran, at you, the timer will tick its last fucking second and everything around me will go up in flames.” “Mel, I know what it’s like to pretend to be someone you’re not. To hide inside yourself. It almost killed me. You have to know I’d never judge you. Who cares that you used to be a stripper?” She laughed and it caught me off guard. I raised my gaze to find her smiling. “You’re hot, I’d pay to see that.” I couldn’t smile. She didn’t know. I was in the confessional again, but today the church was a bar and the priest was Kelly O’Connell. “There’s so much more, and I like the life I have now. I know I’m strong enough to survive my past, but I’m terrified of losing him, of losing you.” Kelly’s smile dimmed. “I ran away from home when I was sixteen with my boyfriend. We got into a shit-ton of trouble, started using drugs. My parents tried hard to get me to come home, but I was gone. Their little girl was giving out back-seat blowjobs for cash because her boyfriend needed more money, more drugs. I’d get high in order to do it, and I wanted him to be happy.” Kelly’s glassy eyes found mine as she said, “Mel, I—” “I hated myself, but I thought I loved him. Chance… that was his name.” I swallowed the sick taste on my tongue. I had to keep going, I couldn’t stop, she had to know. I needed her to judge me, to tell me I was awful, and I never deserved anyone as good as Kieran. “He overdosed over seven years ago, and after he died, I got a job at The Western stripping because I had no idea what else to do. I was lost without him, sick from coming off the drugs too fast. Jaime, the owner, he wanted to help me, and he tried, fuck, he really did, but I had to get high in order to dance so the cycle started all over again.” “How did you quit?” she asked in a shaky whisper.

The light over the table illuminated her face. It was pale and scared, and her eyes dripped pity down her cheeks. “I overdosed five years ago. I used to rent the backroom at the bar, it was all I could afford. Jaime found me there, on the floor, unresponsive. My parents came to the hospital, offered to pay for my rehab. I was so tired, so dead inside, and seeing them again, they didn’t hate me, you know, and I wanted to be well… at first for them, but now for me.” I wiped the few tears that had spilled down my cheeks with my fingers. The ache in my chest was still there, those ghosts still haunted my heart, but when I found Kelly’s eyes again they were… patient. She was crying, but not angry. She was looking at me like Maria had that day in the hospital when I’d woken up. She was looking at me with understanding—with love. My lips started to tremble. “I-I…I’m sorry.” Kelly sniffled and wiped at her eyes. “I don’t need an apology.” She was incredulous. “You’ve been through so much, Mel, and do I wish you would’ve told me? Sure. I wish I could’ve been there for you sooner. I’m your friend and it sounds like you haven’t had many of those. I know that if I’d opened up more when I lived in L.A. I probably never would’ve stayed because a friend would have dragged my ass back to Liam.” Her kind smile was my undoing. I’d unloaded on her, showed her the evil that lived inside me. “Don’t look at me like that.” I cleared my throat. “Like… what?” “Like you think I’m about to freak out. I’d never judge you, and neither would Kieran. Those guys have been through a lot, too. He cares about you, more than I think he’s ready to admit…” My stomach bottomed out. He cared about a stranger, not me. “You can’t live your life hiding from real happiness, Mel.” She absently traced the long scar on her face with her fingertips. “It’ll kill you. You’ve been clean a long time, don’t fuck it up because you’re afraid of what people think. I’d be a jerk if I didn’t care about you as a friend because you had a shady past, and if Kieran dumps you because of it, he’s an asshole. No one is perfect, Mel. No. One.” She was making sense, but I’d spent over five years hiding. I’d spent so long thinking of myself as a dirty secret that the thought had become just another habit I’d have to learn to break. A few more tears rolled down my cheeks as my breathing found its normal rhythm. “I’m scared.” I’d let it happen, but Kieran had become too important. In a little over a month, I’d opened my heart more than I had in all those years with Chance. I’d only ever been a commodity to him. Kelly reached for my hand, and I let her run her fingers over the top of my knuckles. “My father was a drunk who ruined my mother’s life, and almost ruined mine. I know how addiction can destroy everything that is beautiful, but you beat it. Hell, you annihilated it. You deserve to be happy. And Kieran deserves the truth.” She offered me a small smile and withdrew her hand.

“Please, don’t tell him anything.” “I wouldn’t. That’s your story to tell, but you need to tell it.” She exhaled a long breath. “He’s my brother, and I love him. I don’t want to see him get hurt, and the longer you go without saying anything… a lie by omission is still a lie. And a little advice, the O’Connell boys don’t forgive easy.” The brick in my stomach weighted me down, pinned my spine to the back of the booth. I’d already lied so much already. “Thank you,” I said around the growing lump in my throat and tore my napkin with my still-shaking fingers. “For what? Listening? Melissa…What are friends for?” Her smile was broad and warm, and I was fucking grateful for it. I wished I could’ve told her about Jordan, but there were some things I liked to keep just for me. Giving Jordan life was one of the best things I’d ever have the privilege of doing, but he wasn’t mine, and telling his story felt like bragging for something I’d cheated at. Kelly let her eyes fall to my phone again before she picked up another fry and said, “Tell him, Melissa. He’ll understand.” “I’ll tell him.” The devil inside me beamed. He heard the false waver of my lips. I’d tell Kieran. I just had to find the courage, and time was not on my side.

“She won’t kill you, she’ll creep you, and talk you in to dying.” Hayley Stumbo~



It no longer shocked me. The way time stopped when she walked into a room. The way her eyes, dark with secrets, brightened when they found mine. She was standing in my bedroom doorway with a soft, white cotton towel surrounding her. Her hair was wet and heavy, her cheeks a deep red from her recent shower. Her eyes, as always, hidden until she’d grant me the privilege of looking inside them. It almost felt as if I was dreaming watching her walk across my room from where I rested on my bed. She let the towel fall to the carpet, her smile no longer shy, our nakedness had become natural. It was ritual, and I felt blessed every time I caught a glimpse. It had only been two months and one day since I’d officially met Melissa at Liam’s Halloween party, but those numbers were written out in letters that spelled always, and love, and if it was too soon then my heart was a liar. Today was the first day of the New Year, and I had no reservations about how I wanted the next three hundred and sixtyfour days to belong to her. And if I was lucky, maybe I’d lose count and we’d end up tumbling through time until all we ever knew were memories of us. I’d fallen in love with Melissa. I loved how her lips made me careless, and how her smile became my morning and night, and how touching her was like breathing, easy, and life giving. I loved her laugh, and the way she quirked her brow whenever she thought someone was full of shit. I loved how she twitched in her sleep when she was having nightmares, and how, when I wrapped my arms around her, the twitching stopped. I loved how she spent more time in my apartment than in hers, and how she cooked for me whenever she could. I loved watching her thrive at Irene’s, and how parts of her reminded me that God was real and working

through our hands daily. But mostly, I loved that I still had more to learn, more to discover about who she was, or could become, and I wanted it, wanted her for as long as I could have her. I just wasn’t sure how ready she was and that vulnerability was the only thing keeping those three words silent. Melissa’s lips pulled slowly across her face as she knelt onto the bed. “You’re so tempting, all tangled in sheets… like a present all gift wrapped,” she said as she crawled up my body and fed me with a hungry kiss. My hands explored the rise and curve of her ass as I glided my fingertips along her hot skin. The heat of the water still lingered all the way along her spine and even in her hair as I pulled her closer. She smiled against my mouth before dipping her lips to my neck and whispering into my ear, “We’re going to be late.” “I don’t care.” That wasn’t entirely true. I was meeting her parents today for the first time. She laughed as she straddled my thighs. “I’m going to text my sister and tell her we’re not coming,” she said with a smirk as her hand skimmed down the ridges of my stomach. When I didn’t immediately object, she let her fingers fall lower. Her smile was triumphant. “I’d rather stay here, with you…” She leaned over me again and placed her lips to mine, then my jaw, and when she found my ear she spoke again, and the feel of her breath on my skin made it difficult to remember what the hell we were even discussing in the first place. “We’ve been in bed all day, let’s stay that way until tomorrow.” My palms framed her face as I drew her in for another deep kiss. My hard chest was pressed against the satin flesh of her breasts. Every part of my body was awake and wild, and the fresh mint taste of her tongue, the way she teased me with her teeth on my lips would’ve normally persuaded me to never leave this room, but knowing her, seeing Melissa and where she came from was better than the promise of sex. I eased my lips from hers. “I want to meet your parents. Your family… I want you, Mel, all of it.” Melissa’s gaze left mine cold as she sat up, her eyes dropping to the crucifix on my chest. “What are you afraid of?” She traced her fingertips along the ink, mapping out the cross and then the beads of the rosary. I’d learned to be patient with her. Everything good takes time. I waited twentyseven years to find her, I could handle a few seconds for her to gather her thoughts. She blew out a breath and met my stare head on. “What if…” she stuttered on a sigh. “What if… Kieran, what if all of it isn’t good enough.” She swallowed and let her eyes fall shut. “What if you don’t like what you see?” I grazed my thumb across the arc of her cheek. “I already love what I see.” Her eyes opened. Fear and doubt shaded the brown of her irises as she shook her head. “I do. You don’t see yourself like I do. ” I sat up and lifted her chin. Her lashes were wet, and I was so confused. Whenever I got too close, she’d pull away. She’d say shit like this, all the negative she carried around never added up. Mel was a brave woman. She’d lost her ex-boyfriend to drugs, but was

able to pull through it, start over. She worked hard. Hell, she worked harder than anyone at Irene’s, maybe sometimes even harder than Kelly. She connected with those women. Helped them beyond a simple serving of a meal, or fresh linens. She’d stay late talking to the young mothers, to lend a hand in the kitchen, and worked extra hours so Kelly could have more time figuring out the counseling services she wanted to get up and running. Melissa had even skipped having Christmas dinner with my family and with hers so she could help wrap presents for the kids at the shelter. She was charity, and beauty, and she’d become so much more to me than I ever thought possible. “Mel, when I look at you… all I see is this beautiful strength. And it suits you.” She rested her forehead against mine and I cradled the back of her head. “Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see how fucking special you are?” Her body shuddered and when she raised her head, her red-rimmed eyes gutted me. I’d pushed her too much. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t—” “No.” She shook her head with a watery smile, and my heart began to beat again. “You make me feel special, Kieran… and maybe it hurts a little to realize how long it’s been for me… How long I’ve allowed myself to hide from happiness.” A few tears trickled down her cheeks, and I wiped them away with my thumbs. “And I’m tired of it… tired of hiding.” My lips lifted at the corners. “Then stop…” I kissed the tip of her nose, her cheek, and then her lips. “Introduce me to your family, let me see all those fundamental, crazy ass skeletons in your closet, and I’ll prove to you I’m not going anywhere.” “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” she teased, that fear in her eyes evaporating, and I hoped it wouldn’t return like it usually did.

“Take a deep breath,” I said with a lopsided smirk as I handed Melissa another glass of water. “Idiota. No tienes idea.” I chuckled. “Did you just call me an idiot?” Her laugh was almost musical as she looked up at me with a sly grin. “Maybe.” “You’re always sweet talking me.” I took a sip from my bottle of beer and leaned against the back counter of the restaurant. “My family is loud, big, and my father is most likely talking shit about us to his sister at this very moment.” She nodded her chin, and I followed her gaze across the room. Her father was with a woman I’d met earlier. I think her name was Gabriella, but Melissa had introduced me to a few aunts. Sure enough, though, both sets of eyes were on us. “Everyone loves me.”

“We’ll see,” Melissa said with a smile in her eyes. I’d met her mother and father when we arrived about an hour ago. Trujillo’s Kitchen was basically empty at the time, but now the room was packed with laughter, smiles, wall to wall with people, and the scent of fried food. After I’d been introduced to about thirty cousins and a half dozen uncles and aunts, the novelty of Melissa’s “new boyfriend” had worn off. I wasn’t like Liam, I actually enjoyed people. I didn’t hide from them like Declan did either, but I couldn’t quite shake my nerves tonight. Melissa laced our fingers together and pressed soothing circles into my palm with her thumb regulating my breathing. Her parents had been very welcoming, and everyone had said hello with a smile, but maybe they were just polite people. Maria and Jordan were probably the only ones here I could actually read. They definitely liked me. Melissa’s parents, though, I had no idea. They kept watching us, watching me, as if at any moment I’d go running for the hills. Again, I wondered what the hell I was missing that had everyone flashing bright yellow caution lights in my direction. Maybe it was in my head, but Melissa and I had been inside my world for our entire relationship, and walking into this restaurant had burst that bubble. What if they didn’t like me? What if Melissa’s family thought I wasn’t right for her? “Hey, Dad,” Melissa said with a big smile and kissed him on his cheek. I’d been so stuck in my own head I hadn’t seen him cross the room. “Sorry we haven’t had much time to talk. This family is getting too big.” He shook his head with a laugh. He was a stout man, but even though I towered over him, he was still slightly intimidating. “Did you get enough to eat?” he asked, and his heavy accent was genuine and filled with warmth. “I think I ate enough to get me through the rest of the winter. I had no idea about this place until I met Mel. I can’t wait to bring my family here. My brother’s wife loves Mexican food.” “My mom will probably feed Kelly until she bursts.” Melissa’s soft giggle always made me grin, and if we weren’t in a room full of people I would’ve pulled her in for a kiss. “Where’s your mom?” her father asked as he glanced around the room. “In the kitchen, I think…” Melissa released her hand from mine. “I’ll go find her, I want to grab that recipe for her chile verde. I’m hoping to make it next week at Irene’s.” She leaned onto her tiptoes and kissed me with hurried lips before she asked, “Will you be all right for a minute?” “Sure. Take your time.” “I’ll keep him entertained.” Her dad chuckled and Mel gave him a warning glare. “Be nice.”

He shrugged. “I’m always nice.” Melissa mumbled something in Spanish as she walked away and her father huffed out a laugh. “What did she say?” I asked with a curious grin. “She called me an asshole.” I almost choked on my beer as I swallowed. “She did?” His laugh was inviting and nostalgic and it cured the last of my insecurities. “She has a mouth on her… always has.” His eyes lost focus as if lost in a memory. “I don’t mind it, it’s been good to have her back.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I’ll let her call me asshole all she wants as long as she’s alive and breathing. We’ve almost lost her so many times… we’ve had her back for over five years now and she looks so good, doing so well.” He appraised me for a few seconds before he said, “You’re good for her, don’t let her run you off.” I couldn’t help the smile that formed on my lips. He’d accepted me. Thought I was good for her. “I’m not going anywhere.” His mouth made a serious line. “Good. She needs a good man. You make her happy. Her ex, he did nothing but pump her full of drugs. He ruined her life and made her feel like a piece of garbage.” Pumped her full of drugs? My smile faltered. He tilted his chin at Jordan and Maria. When he spoke again it was low and only for me. “When Mel had that baby boy, her mother and I thought it would be the end of all the drugs and worry, but she was so far gone back then. She didn’t think she was worthy… good enough to be a mom…” My head was spinning with impossible facts, my fingers gripped the glass bottle in my hand hoping it would anchor me. “You know how she is, always thinking she’s less. I blame Chance for that. If it wasn’t for him…” It could’ve been the fact that my shoulders had gone rigid, or that I’d stopped breathing altogether, but his eyes widened with panic when he looked at me again. “Are you all right?” I didn’t know what to say, the furious flame building in my chest devoured the remnants of oxygen in my lungs leaving me to suffocate. Somehow I managed to set my beer on the counter and to speak a few clipped words. “Excuse me a minute.” Fresh air. Clarity. I wanted the front door, but my body was on auto pilot, drawn to the source of the pain that had begun to spread throughout my body. I made my way through a sea of people to the kitchen. Once I stepped in, I found her there alone. She was reading a small three-byfive card, and when she noticed me, her coffee-colored eyes lightened with bursts of amber. Her smile was gorgeous and private and filled with love. It didn’t last long enough, her lips parted only briefly before her eyes recognized the pain in my own. “Jordan is your son?” I had no idea how I dared asked the question, but she flinched like I’d just slapped her hard across the face.

“What?” she asked in a breathless whisper. “Your dad said he was your son.” “I gave birth to him.” She placed the white card onto the counter and faced me. Her shoulders were tight; she was pretending again. Pretending she was prideful. That she shouldn’t have to apologize for anything. That I shouldn’t be upset. But her lips were trembling as her eyes swarmed with tears, and the veneer she’d kept so pristine for so long now had holes and vicious cracks. “Why didn’t you tell me… why didn’t you say anything?” My tone was flat, too calm and it scared me. “What should I have said, Kieran?” Her voice bristled as she moved closer to where I stood. “You know that you could have told me.” I almost took a step backward as she neared. Her close proximity five minutes ago would’ve settled my world, but now it was a violent wind, and I was terrified of what I would say. What I would do. “Told you what?” Her voice broke and the muscle in my jaw threatened to snap. “What do you want to know, Kieran… that your girlfriend used to be addicted to drugs. That she started using pills at sixteen to impress some guy. That after a while she forgot what it felt like to be human because it was easier to blow guys for money that way, easier to do what Chance asked of me…” Acid crept up my throat as tears streamed down her pale cheeks. My legs were numb as my mouth watered with bile. “That after Chance died I had to dance… to strip at The Western in order to live, make money, and when I overdosed, if Jaime hadn’t found me passed out on the floor five years ago I’d be dead.” Melissa painted a vivid picture and it blurred behind my watery eyes. She placed her hand on my chest, but I couldn’t feel her touch. The numbness in my legs had worked its way up my body. It seized my heart, my lungs, my lips. “The day I had Jordan was the best and worst day of my life.” Her words pulled my eyes to hers and it was the first time I’d been able to see beyond the veil she’d kept so tightly shut. It was the first time I’d been able to really see her, and all I saw was a stranger. “Jordan was the first good thing I ever had, and then I met you…” Her fingers curled desperately into the fabric of my shirt. “I fell for you, and I wanted to tell you, but I love you so much, and I was terrified of losing you.” I love you so much… I’d wanted to hear her say those words. I’d given her every part of me and everything she’d given me was a lie. A fabricated reality. “You don’t love me, Melissa. I don’t even know who the hell you are.” The bitter sound of my voice resonated in the small room, and it was foreign to me. It crept between us like a noxious weed, but did nothing to kill her familiar scent. Her scent played tricks on my heart. It begged me to remember how she felt under my fingertips, how her mouth tasted, and how, when she smiled at me, everything in my life felt perfect. But her brown eyes told the truth and the woman in front of me was a selfish liar.

“I told you all I ever wanted was you. I told you from the beginning that lies were a deal breaker. I gave you…” My hands clenched into fists and I stepped away from her touch. “I fucking trusted you with everything.” I gave her more than she ever deserved. Betrayal was a woman with dark eyes and sinful lips. “Kieran…” Her cheeks were wet and her hands shook at her sides. “I fucked up, I should have told you. God, I should have told you, but can’t you understand, can’t you see? All I saw… all I see when I look at you is love. What I feel, what we shared, it was real and pure and who I used to be would’ve destroyed that…” She was fighting to breathe as she spoke, and each new tear that fell down her face washed away the alluring mask she’d won me with. “The ugliness inside of me is all you would’ve ever seen.” “You took away my choice… you fed me lies, and I gave you everything.” My throat clogged. My heart thundered in my chest, splitting along the seam with every beat. I’d replace emptiness with anger, love with disgust, it was the only way I’d be able to leave this room without falling apart. “All that so called ugly… I could’ve fallen in love with her… that girl… but without honesty it becomes unbearable, and I can’t even look at you without feeling sick.” She closed her eyes. “Then leave.” Liam had told me to fight for her when things went to shit, but how do you fight for a stranger? How do you fight for something that never fucking existed in the first place? I was grateful the kitchen had a side entrance for deliveries, sparing me a scene with her family. And, as the door shut behind me, I let myself believe I hadn’t heard her last shuttered breath. As I walked away, I would let myself believe that her heart hadn’t broken right alongside mine.



The frame of the door should’ve cracked with how hard he’d slammed it, but when my eyes opened, everything, except for my sternum, was still intact. The weight of my guilt, the heavy sins like barbed wire around my heart, Kieran had finally seen it, seen me for what I was. The Addict. The Whore. The Liar. And like I always feared, and just like he’d promised not to, he ran. You promised to tell him the truth. My lungs were singed with regret. I was suffocating on the stench of my deception, locked tight beneath the layers of skin that made the disguise I’d shrouded myself in for the past two months. My shaking fingers gripped the countertop as I forced myself to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. It shouldn’t hurt this much. I knew it was coming. I’d braced myself for this very moment, but I’d hoped that it would be on my terms… my confession, my sins would’ve been forgiven. Anger slowly burned its way down my cheeks in salty waves. My family was always butting in, pushing, shoving, and as much as I wanted to blame them, blame my dad for fucking everything up—it was all on me. My fault. My lies. My betrayal. Dad just ripped away the bandage from the cut faster than I could. As if summoned by the mere thought of him, my father strolled into the kitchen. “Mija?” He paused in the middle of the room, looking around, most likely for Kieran. “Is everything—” “Okay?” I sucked in a shuddered breath staving off the sob that was trying to escape. “No… Dad, everything…” I wiped under my eyes, licked my trembling lips, and lifted my eyes to his. “You told him about Jordan?” My father’s throat worked down a long, guilty swallow. His tan cheeks ashen. “He

didn’t know,” he whispered to himself, and his usual strong eyes dropped to the floor. “He didn’t know any of it.” My dad’s hand ran through his hair, once and then again, and when he looked at me I swear I saw a flash of disgust. “You told him nothing? Mel…” The anger I had shifted. It blossomed beyond the hatred I had for myself, and it rooted into the lining of my stomach. “What should I have done? How could I tell him?” Tell him he was everything and I was nothing. “Mel… you brought this man into your life… I assumed he would know, that you would’ve told him, you should have—” “I know!” The sob I’d been holding back cracked fissures through my bones. I wanted to scream. I needed to throw something. “In rehab they told me that once I was clean, that I’d be able to live a life where I wasn’t ashamed, that I could live a life free of drugs, but that was bullshit. I may not use anymore, but that addiction, it’s always there, and it destroys everything good in my life just like it always has.” The pain in my stomach crawled up my throat leaving it raw. “Addiction?” My father’s irritated tone set the hair on my neck at attention. He was always a calm man, but his control was dissipating as he shot daggers at me. “Excuses, lies… pride.” He almost spit the word. “Melissa, you should’ve told him, and that’s why he’s not here right now, not because of addiction, because you chose to leave him in the dark.” A wave of humiliation covered my skin with sticky sweat. What must Kieran be thinking right now? The revulsion in his eyes was haunting me, churning in my belly, everything we’d done together, there was no way he’d be able to wash away the filth, wash me clean from his body. “I was scared.” Even as I said the word, I knew it wasn’t enough to validate anything I’d done. “I fell too fast… and losing him…” Tears spilled down my cheeks, over my lips, and the brine coated my tongue as I tried to speak through my narrowing throat. “I didn’t want him to know the old me. I never wanted him to know how bad I’d once been. I wanted a fresh start… I’d planned on telling him, I really did, but…” I was selfish. The hard lines around my father’s eyes faded as he took the last few steps he needed to wrap his arms around me. A tremor ran down my spine as I cried into his chest. His warm scent was the only thing I could cling to, the only thing that made me feel like myself as I soaked his shirt. His hand glided softly down the back of my head as he said, “You can’t be afraid of who you were. You must wear every badge, every scar, because without them, you wouldn’t be my Mel, you wouldn’t be my daughter. I don’t care about all the mistakes you’ve made, you make me so proud… every day. You have done what others couldn’t. You survived, and I think…” I tilted my head back and his eyes crinkled at the edges. “Kieran should have a chance to see that side of you, because without it, he’ll never see the true beauty of what you’ve become.” Another sob shook my shoulders as the calloused pads of my father’s thumbs wiped at

the tears on my cheeks. “I don’t think he wants that chance. Not anymore.” “Give him a few days.” My father kissed my forehead, but I couldn’t feel the heat of his lips. Dad didn’t know how deep of a wound I’d left in Kieran. I’d taken away his choice and soiled his innocence. I’d taken the last thing he’d cherished and given him nothing but self-serving lies. I never deserved Kieran, and the best thing I could do for him was to just let him go, let him move on. My arms fell to my sides and my father gave me a meaningful look. “You should have your happiness, Mija. No matter what you think, you deserve a chance at a good life, and that man loves you, there’s no hiding it.” “No hiding what?” Maria’s voice was filled with mirth so I kept my eyes on the tiles of the kitchen floor. “Kieran… he was all smiles for our Mel.” Nausea swept through me and my mouth watered with bitterness as Maria giggled. “All smiles, where is he any…” Maria’s sentence evaporated as she took in my wet cheeks and red eyes. “What’s the matter?” “He left.” I cleared my throat and turned away from them, pretending to look through the stack of recipes I’d gotten out earlier. “Why?” Her voice was distant, and I figured she was asking our dad. “Because…” I exhaled a painful breath. “He found out the woman he’s been dating is a fucking liar.” “Melissa,” my dad hissed, but I had to keep talking or I’d start crying again. “Dad told him that JoJo was my son.” Maria’s gasp filled the kitchen. When I turned to her, the remaining shreds of my soul scattered into the emptiness surrounding me. Jordan was standing in the doorway, his crystal blue eyes round—his face pale and frightened. My father swore under his breath as I backed away from the counter on wobbly legs. “Okay.” My dad’s tone was placating. He was trying to talk me down, but I’d already fallen, crashed, and was bleeding to death. “Let’s just calm…” I couldn’t hear him over the screaming in my head. The rush of blood through my temples had made the room go hazy. I couldn’t stand the look on Jordan’s face. The devastation as his eyes darted from me to Maria and then back to my retreating form. My sweaty palm gripped the handle of the side door. All I could do was meet Maria’s tearfilled gaze before I whispered, “I’m so sorry.” And stumbled through the exit.



A white sheet of snow covered my windshield. I’d turned the engine off thirty minutes ago and every breath I took parted from my lips in a dense cloud. I ignored how cold my hands were, abandoning the idea of warmth the minute I’d seen the confusion in Jordan’s eyes. He’s been through so much already this past month with his father moving to the east coast. Maria had sugar coated it, told Jordan he’d see his dad sometimes in the summer, but the reality hadn’t been lost on him. He was finally starting to break out of his shell and now this. My fingers were stiff and wrapped around the neck of a bottle of Tanqueray. I could’ve easily scored dope from one of my old hook-ups, but I’d stopped by my parents place instead on my way here. Everyone was at the party, and I knew my dad always stashed a brand new bottle of gin in the cabinets above the fridge. He wasn’t much of a drinker, but he hid it mostly for my benefit. I was sitting in a car, freezing my ass off, and staring down at an unopened bottle of alcohol. It was a test. It was a comfort. I was pathetic. My phone had been non-stop ringing since I’d left Trujillo’s Kitchen, and I ignored it about as well as I was ignoring the hollow feeling that had made a home inside my chest where my heart had once beat. The lock screen lit yet again, and when I glanced at it, the hole around my heart spread its charred borders. It wasn’t him. It wouldn’t ever be him again. He would’ve been able to talk me through this. He would’ve kissed me and whispered against my lips, that it was all going to be okay, that Jordan would be fine, that it would all work itself out, but that was never going to happen. Another frozen breath hovered over the steering wheel as I lifted my phone from the passenger seat. “I’m okay,” I lied as I answered my mother’s call. “Come home, Melissa. Stay with us tonight, you shouldn’t be alone.” I heard what she wouldn’t say. You shouldn’t be alone because you could use again. Because you’re an addict. Ice cold tears dripped down the planes of my face. “M-mom,” I croaked and sniffled and gripped the bottle tighter. “He’s confused, asking for you, you should be the one to tell him, Mel. It should be you.” Mom’s voice was steady, just like the day she’d asked me to go to rehab, the day in the hospital where my life had made a turn for the better. “Come home. He needs you now.” He needs me. Three simple words had my fingers unleashing the hold they had on my sins and

turning the keys in the ignition. My wipers automatically turned on and the sheet of snow folded to the power, falling in large clumps to the side of the car. The cemetery was framed in my fogged-up window. Chance was out there, lying in the ground, drowning in poor choices for eternity, and here I was, self-destructing, and he needed me…JoJo wanted me. I threw the unopened bottle along with my self-pity into the back seat as I said to my mom, “I’m on my way.” The roads were nearly impassable. New Year’s and not one plow in sight. By the time I got to my family’s house, the sun had long set. I wouldn’t let myself linger in the car because I’d never make it inside the house if I did, and I was done disappointing everyone. I swore I would never disappoint JoJo and I wasn’t going to start now. The house was overly heated, as always. The door shut behind me, and I could hear the television, today’s news hummed up the basement stairs as I passed them. Maria and my mother were in the kitchen, and when I walked in both sets of eyes honed in on the bottle in my hand. “Don’t worry. I didn’t drink it.” I handed it to my mom. “It was a test.” Maria’s shoulders sagged, and my mother’s eyes dampened as she asked, “And you passed?” I nodded, unable to speak around the growing knot in my throat. “He’s downstairs with your dad,” Mom said as she stuffed the bottle of gin in the cabinet above the fridge. “I’m so sorry, Maria. I never wanted him to know. He’s not my son, he—” Maria held up her hand. “I always figured he’d find out eventually.” She smiled, but it didn’t meet her eyes. “He looks just like you, Mel. He would’ve figured it out.” Maybe. “What do you want me to say to him?” I asked. “Tell him the truth,” my mother added her two cents, but I didn’t feel like arguing. Maria apparently didn’t want to argue either because she agreed. “He should know how you saved his life.” I wasn’t a hero. I’d been a desperate girl who cared more about her next fix than getting clean for her child. I didn’t have too long to conjure up some fairytale beginning though. Jordan walked into the kitchen. “Hi, Aunt Mel… I mean…” His blue eyes switched back and forth two times from me to Maria and then to my mom before anyone said anything. “Hey, JoJo.” My voice cracked as he climbed onto the stool on the other side of the breakfast bar. “I think I’ll go downstairs, Papa gets cranky watching the news all by himself.” My mother’s exit plan was obvious, but Jordan was only ten, so maybe he wouldn’t notice.

He was wearing his Utah Grizzlies pajamas that he’d gotten for his birthday last month and his hair was slightly wet. “Are you sleeping over?” He nodded. “Yeah, Abuela said it’s too bad outside for Mom and me to drive all the way home.” I gave Maria the side eye. They didn’t live that far away. “Are you staying the night, too?” he asked. “I think I should.” His smile stretched to his ears and the intolerable ache in my chest eased a fraction. Maria took a seat next to her son, running her hand through his hair. “Abuela said tomorrow you can help her make pancakes.” She raised her eyes to the clock on the stove, and then to me. “It’s almost time for bed, kiddo.” He groaned. “But… I thought…” He trailed off, his gaze caught on mine. I took a few tentative steps toward where he sat and mustered every last reserve I had. If I lost everything in less than twenty-four hours, at least I had this… this opportunity to tell Jordan how special he really was. Maria’s lashes were already wet, her hand covering his on the countertop when I said, “Before you go to bed… I wanted to talk about what you heard today.” He nodded his head, his big eyes bright as he asked, “Is it true?” The lump in my throat made it difficult to speak. Jordan was looking at me, and I could see the way his stare had changed. It was filled with awe and wonder. He wasn’t mine. But I’d always loved him like he was. I would have never admitted that to myself before, but after today, I was done lying to everyone. Done lying to myself. “I was so young when you came into my life, JoJo. When I found out I was pregnant, and that I was having a little boy, I was so terrified.” “Why?” I took a deep breath. “Because I was sick.” His eyes turned into saucers. “You were?” “I was. But it was my fault…” I could see the wheels in his brain turning, trying to figure out how anyone could be at fault for their own sickness. “You know how a few months ago they talked about drugs at school?” He nodded and his lips settled into a flat line. “I was sick because I was stupid and used them. And I was scared because I didn’t want you to get sick, too.” I’d stayed sober just long enough to have him and then handed him over to my sister like he meant nothing to me. Another lie etched into my bones. “I knew Maria would keep you safe and healthy in a way I never could.”

I couldn’t hold the tears back any more than he could. His eyes overflowed as he asked, “You gave me away?” “No, baby…” Maria ran her hand through the damp strands of his hair before she wiped away a few tears from his cheek. “You were my gift.” Jordan stared at my sister, and I was grateful for the moment to school my features. A sob had wedged itself into my ribcage, and I needed a minute to breathe, so when Jordan’s eyes found mine again, I was ready. “The day you were born I only let myself hold you for a few minutes. I knew if I didn’t let go, I never would. It was the hardest thing I ever did, JoJo, but I knew Maria would give you a life your father and I never could.” “Who’s my real dad? Was he sick, too?” “He was.” “Where is he?” he asked. “He died a long time ago.” Jordan’s chin dipped and his bottom lip started to quiver. “Do I look like him at all?” My mouth was cotton as I tried to swallow. “You have his eyes, JoJo, crystal blue, just like him.” He glanced up at me. His black lashes soaked. “I-I do?” I nodded and knelt down to his eye level. “You do.” “You’re my mom,” he whispered, his eyes fixed over my shoulder. “No… I’m not. Maria is. I love you so much, Jordan, but Maria is the brave one. The one who held you every night when you cried, fed you, loved you, loves you so, so much… enough for me and her.” He was too young to understand that blood didn’t make you a parent. That family was family based on who stuck around and had your back no matter what. Up until five years ago I’d been nothing but the absent incubator that had given him life. I was lucky to have these last five years with him in any capacity. I chanced a glance at Maria and she was smiling at me. Small and proud, and I smiled back. She mouthed the words “thank you” and something settled inside me. I’d done something right. “Aunt Mel, can I still call you Aunt Mel?” he asked and I puffed out a laugh. “Of course.” I pressed my lips together as he sniffled. “This is all so confusing for you, and one day you’ll probably get really mad at me for a while.” He shook his head adamantly. “No way.” Maria laughed. “Trust me, kiddo, you’ll hate me, Mel, and Abuela at least once or twice in this lifetime.” “But not Papa?” he asked with a smirk.

“Never Papa.” Maria grinned and kissed the top of his head. I stood to my full height and stuffed my hands into my pockets, resisting the urge to reach out and touch his cheek. I’d told him the truth, but Maria should be the one to comfort him. Jordan’s smile waned and the wheels in his head started to turn again. “Did you love me when I was a baby?” His question stabbed my already gaping wound. “I loved you so much that I had to let you go, JoJo. I had to make sure you had a good life, a life, back then, I never could’ve given you. I’m glad I got better so I’m able to spend time with you, to see how amazing you are turning out to be.” Thousands of questions swirled behind the blue of his eyes. Time would only produce more, until understanding made him question us all again. I could only hope that by then, he’d know how much I loved him, and the anger he’d inevitably feel about how I’d chosen drugs over him, would never lead him down the same destructive path I’d once taken and gifted him through my tainted genetics.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain~



“Stop pining.” I kept my eyes down, the words on the page were distorted. I had no idea what I’d just read. “Fuck off, Ronnie.” I brushed her off without even chancing a glance in her direction. “Wow.” She held the syllable. “Two weeks is all it takes, huh?” I lifted my gaze. Ronnie was leaning, no, hovering, over my desk. Her porcelain arms crossed, her fingers curled under her chin, an evil grin on her lips. “All it takes for what?” I asked and to my chagrin her smile grew cat-like. “Two weeks without your girlfriend and you’ve turned into Liam. I had you pegged for more of the mope in silence type, like Declan, but…” She stood and waved her hand up and down. “You’re all grumpy and fuck the world…it’s weird.” I expelled an irritated breath and lowered my eyes back to the page I’d read about one thousand times. Not even Tom Sawyer could keep my attention these days. “I think it’s kind of sexy… if I’m being honest. You’re all wound up, it looks good on you.” Ronnie’s soft laugh had my lips almost twitching into a smirk. “I’m not pining,” I said and turned the page, keeping my eyes down. She chuckled. “Whatever you say.”

The air shifted and cooled and became silent. I didn’t have to look up to know she’d left the reception area. I sighed again, this time closing the book with more aggression than necessary. It was almost closing time. Kemper and the other guys had left about an hour ago. And when the back door jingled, I figured Ronnie had now escaped, as well. The only sound in the shop was the light hum of Liam’s machine. I hadn’t allowed the guys to play music since I’d broken it off with Mel. Every damn word reminded me of something I’d rather forget. While I was home, I could easily break down, pour everything onto paper. But here, I was forced to maintain a modicum of normalcy, and listening to music made that impossible. Even Liam’s angry shit didn’t help, it just pissed me off even more. Technically, I could leave now, too, let Liam close up shop, but I wasn’t ready to be alone for the night. Kemp and Asher had tried several times to get me to go out with them, but I’d rather not douse myself in gasoline and light the match just yet. There were only three places I’d been able to go lately. Three places that soothed the wounds I’d been nursing since I’d walked away from her: church, my apartment, and Declan’s place. Church was a sanctuary. It was easy to pretend my life had never changed while I knelt in prayer, or gave Father Becker my confession. The familiar rituals were like a salve. And my apartment, it was the only place I could really wallow without being called a pussy, or a baby, or an asshole. Declan’s house, though, it had become my favorite place. Being around my brother and Paige, his family, it should hurt, but seeing his happiness made it easier for me to remember everything happens for a reason. And hell, Indie, her calm eyes and sweet giggle, she would always be my number-one girl. The incessant buzzing abruptly stopped, and I heard Liam’s deep timber. The girl was flirting with him, but he just ignored her, soldiered on while he gave her after-care instructions. It wouldn’t be long before I was forced to go upstairs, forced to face another quiet night with nothing but the reel of tape that sped through my head when I tried to sleep. Her voice. Her laugh. Her lies. I’d even deal with Liam’s long-winded speech about how I’d fucked it all up if it would hold off the inevitable sleepless night. After New Year’s, I hid our break-up for as long as I could, but it only took a few days for Liam to sniff it out. Surprisingly, he’d taken Melissa’s side, but I wondered how much of that had to do with Kelly. Kelly was pissed at me. She had no qualms about letting me know how miserable Mel was, and how I needed to stop being a dick and call her. Liam had topped it all off with a “don’t be like me,” and “remember what I said, about forgiveness and fighting, now’s the time to use that sage advice.” Melissa had lied. She hadn’t told me the truth and I’d given her… I couldn’t forgive her. I’d had that phrase on repeat, but recently, I was starting to hear the cracks, the false bravado in the steadfast declaration. Liam had accused me of judging her and one night in private, he’d said, “Look, from what you’ve told me… I’d have a hard-as-fuck time swallowing all that down, too. All the shit she’s done, the guys, the drugs… if that’s why you don’t want to be with her, if you

can’t see past that, then I get it. I can understand it, but I’ve never known you to be a judgmental prick… that’s my thing.” As much as I wanted to believe what Mel had been through hadn’t affected my decision to walk away, it had. I didn’t care about the guys; if I was a normal twenty-sevenyear-old I’m sure I would’ve racked up a few notches on my belt. It was why she’d been with them in the first place. She was an addict, so much so she devalued herself in order to score drugs. She let her boyfriend use her over and over again so she could continue to get her nightly fix, and that… that was what scared me the most. All it took was one slip. What if I’d built a life with her? Jordan’s name set my jaw into a firm line. His face, his features, just like Mel—my stomach twisted. What if we one day had our own family and that sickness, that need took over again, would she leave us, too, throw everything away? My chest was heavy and that loss curled its fingers around my throat. We’d only been together for a short time, but there was something about Mel that’d had me thinking in distances that were measured by words like always and love and lifetime, but her lies had turned what I wanted as a reality into a fucking fantasy. “Hey,” Liam said as he handed me his bill. “Three-fifty.” He turned to the girl and gave her his usual half-hearted smile. “Keep it covered, at least till you get home.” She batted her lashes and I stifled a smile. Good luck with that, I wanted to say, but Liam just nodded his chin and gave me a knowing glare before he headed back to his table to clean. She paid with credit, and I was grateful. I’d already counted the till before I’d started reading. Once she was gone, I locked up and turned off the open light in the window and closed the blinds. The back door jingled again, and when I turned around, I had to suppress a groan. Kelly was making her way into the shop and she bypassed Liam’s station with purpose. I used to love my sister-in-law, but Mel was ruining that, too. Kelly was wearing jeans and one of the new Irene’s House t-shirts she’d had made last week. But the frown she was wearing did not bode well for me. “What?” I asked in a bored tone. She glared and shook her head. “Mel put in her two weeks.” I swallowed hard, my mouth dry as I asked, “She did?” Kelly took three steps toward my frozen frame and shoved me in the chest. “She did. Wake-up, O’Connell, or you’re going to lose her forever.” Forever. Why did that terrify me? Why did that one word shred every defense I’d built over the last fourteen days? Panic clutched my lungs, drowned me, I couldn’t catch my breath. My nostrils flared as I tried to breathe in the thin air. “She’s going back to The Western. She said she can’t deal.” The Western. What? She wouldn’t. Melissa hated that place. Everything she loved was at Irene’s. She thrived on helping those women, their kids, it was why I’d fallen so… The light inside my head, the light I’d hidden inside a catacomb of self-righteous

indignation, flipped on. It burned so bright and sudden. I could see it all. See her beautiful, warm brown eyes, and her soft skin. Her smile as she’d sweat through the shelter’s laundry service, or when she’d made food at Irene’s for fifty-plus patrons. I could see her face and how it had come alive as she offered counsel to the younger moms… to the addicts. She was paying her dues, working her penance, and she’d loved every second of it. Melissa was rare, she’d found a way to overpower the monster inside herself, and she wanted to show others how they could, too. Shit. I have been so fucking blind. “She can’t go back there, Kieran, she can’t! And this is your fault…” Kelly’s voice always went a little high pitched when she was losing it. “Hey, now.” Liam’s voice was oddly calm. It was as if we’d swapped places in the last two weeks. He wrapped his arms around Kelly, pulling her back to his chest and placed a kiss to her cheek. “What that woman does—” Kelly struggled within his hold. “That woman?” He only chuckled, but I couldn’t find amusement in anything. Nothing about this situation was funny. Melissa was about to throw away her dreams to avoid me. “What Mel does is her business, Princess. Is Kieran an idiot? Fuck, yeah, but hey, we all make mistakes.” Liam kissed the long scar on her cheek before he let her go. “Kieran, just call her, I’m not asking you to forgive her, move mountains, or walk on water. I’m just asking you to make it right. She can’t leave… those women depend on her.” My throat had swollen around the guilt that had wedged inside, and when I spoke it was rough like gravel, “I’ll make it right.”

Ink stained my fingers. I’d written more words since I’d left Melissa than I ever have in my life. The entire surface of my bed was covered in scattered pieces of paper. I’d tried several times tonight to write something worth sending her, but it was an impossible task. I was torn between loving the stranger or the woman I’d thought I’d known. I loved her. It was furious and bold. I’d allowed myself to just dive into her, and maybe that’s why her dishonesty had hurt so badly. I’d opened myself up, offered her a clean and easy target, and she’d cut me incredibly deep. But I couldn’t let her quit Irene’s. She was meant to be there, and as much as it pained me to think it, I wanted to be where she was, too… I belonged with her. There wasn’t an easy fix to her betrayal, but I couldn’t help that the minute I decided to reach out to her, the ache, the suffocating weight I’d been bearing for the past fourteen days, it was a little less awful to carry. My mother would’ve advised me to forgive her.

Father Becker had advised me to let go and see the beauty of the choices I’d made and the time I’d given myself so fully to another, and I wanted that again. The peace of having another person own you, your heart and soul, there was nothing like it in the whole world. Maybe I was enough to quell her temptations… maybe I’d been her peace, too. I read the lines I’d just written, the paper in my hand shivered along with my fingers. The words still sounded too angry. No path, no light And this day Still a stark sunrise And I’ll watch you fade, and you’ll watch me run, Into the distance I create. Fucked up and cut thin, The view is all I knew, Of you, in morning pink, and the towel fell With my values down the drain. Broken hearts, Fucked up and worn out, The bells no longer pull me home And the night black pooled, And flooded the valley, In square shadowed pictures of you. By impulse everything was lost, and I can’t find my way, Home to you, Deep sleep and vivid dreams, Laid out with broken seams. Home to you, Jasmine scent and caramel skin, My fingers beg to begin. There was no way around it. We’d both messed up, and I was too naïve, too inexperienced to figure out a way to get us back to that peaceful place again. I balled the paper in my hand and closed my eyes. It was two in the morning and I’d lost my mind. Mel didn’t need a grand gesture, if anything, it would probably piss her off.

I’d taken what she’d told me and practically flew out the door. I’d promised her I wouldn’t and I had. I opened my eyes and scanned all the sheets of white blotted with ink. I was sitting on my bed, phone resting in my lap, and instead of calling her, I’d chosen to hide behind words I’d never meant for her to see. Don’t be a coward. I picked up my phone, and let my fingers swipe across the screen. Me: You can’t quit. I pressed send but the three words felt insufficient. “Fuck.” Me: Don’t quit, Mel. You’re too good at what you do. I wanted to forgive her, tell her I was sorry for running, but I was still pissed, too… and afraid. I stared at my phone. I knew she was sleeping, and part of me hoped that she wouldn’t ever answer. That I could find a way to survive her and move on, and that she could find a way to stay at Irene’s without being miserable, but that wasn’t going to happen. Lust had beguiled me. It flirted and begged and teased me with stories about forever. I’d fallen victim to sentiment, but I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. Everything, with her, I’d do it all over again. I’d even suffer through these last two weeks because she’d changed me, she opened up the pages and fed me ink with kisses and I’d wanted it. I’d let myself fall in love… Me: I miss you. Me: Just call me, okay, don’t quit. My fingers hesitated over the keyboard. I managed to open up the wadded up piece of paper, and smoothed it out onto the mattress in front of me. I could’ve stopped with my last text, but maybe she’d think I was texting her out of obligation, or my perpetual need to make people happy, so I let my fingers type out one more text. Me: By impulse everything was lost, and I can’t find my way… home to you.



“I’m not sure about this…” Jordan’s brow furrowed and I smiled for the first time in weeks. His fork squished the grits on his plate and he stuck out his tongue. “Yuck, Mel. No way.” My laughter bubbled past the walls of my chest. “Abuela will be heartbroken.” At my statement, Jordan closed his eyes and brought the grits to his lips. He chewed cautiously and then gulped as if eating sand. “Well?” I asked with my brows raised. He shook his head hard and I giggled. The sound of it lifted about twenty tons of cement from my shoulders. Life didn’t always have to be hard. Moments come and go, and I was trying to remember to hold on to the good ones. I shifted my gaze to the open dining room of the restaurant. Our lunch rush was meager for a Saturday, but it probably had something to do with the foot of snow on the ground. Utah had been hit hard this winter and it still hadn’t stopped. Unfortunately, we had at least another two months of the season left to endure. I scowled as I watched through the window as the flakes fell to the ground. My drive home was going to suck. Home. The word had me itching to pull out my phone and reread the last message Kieran had sent me. It was three days ago when I woke up to several texts messages from him. It was interesting that I hadn’t heard from him in two weeks until I’d told Kelly I was quitting Irene’s. I hadn’t expected it, but the timing hurt, nonetheless. Was he texting me so I wouldn’t quit, or because he really missed me… or both? I guess I could’ve replied and found out for myself his intentions, but I wouldn’t—couldn’t let myself go there with him. We weren’t right for each other, and I’d never be able to look at him again without remembering how his loving eyes had turned into pools of horror and repulsion the day he’d split. That one look had left me utterly vacant.

“Aunt Mel, do I have to eat these?” Jordan’s whiny voice rescued me from my train of thought. I lifted his plate from the breakfast bar. “Nah.” His smile was quiet. “Thanks.” I felt his blue eyes following my movements as I scraped my mother’s attempt at “real southern grits like my grandma used to make” into the garbage. My back was facing him when he spoke next, but the slight shudder in his tone set my teeth on edge. “What was my father like?” My breath hitched, and I had to gather myself before I turned around. We’d all avoided the elephant in the room since the night JoJo had found out about his real biology. I wet my lips, and set his plate into the gray tub of dirty dishes before I finally turned around and was met with eager and appraising eyes. “He was handsome like you,” I said with a sad smile. Jordan’s lips stretched as I continued. “In fact, when I met him, I’d thought he was the most handsome boy I’d ever seen.” His smile waned. “But he was sick.” I nodded at his regurgitated line. “He really was.” His dark eyes held so many questions. He was too little to know everything, too young to be burdened with every truth, but his confusion and wonder would only grow. And, as his curious eyes found mine, the years ahead of me played out in short bursts behind my eyes. He would always have hard questions, and our relationship might not always be good, and the revelation had tears fighting for the surface. “Do you think… do you think he would have liked me? If… if he had gotten better like you?” My heart pounded as I answered, “JoJo, he would’ve loved you.” There was no need to break his heart, and who knew, if Chance had ever gotten sober, he might’ve been a great dad. We might’ve been so many things. “Jordan. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish things could’ve been different, that I would’ve chosen to get better sooner… but all you have to remember, kiddo, is that I always wanted you. Even when I was sick…” All my mistakes, the fear of losing Jordan one day, all of it swelled inside of my lungs, and I could barely breathe. “Y-You were always my number one, and that’s why Maria is your mom and not me, because I would’ve never let you get hurt.” “You wouldn’t have hurt me, Aunt Mel.” The trust in his eyes burst inside my chest. My eyes burned as I leaned over the counter and kissed his forehead. “I don’t know, JoJo, I was in a very bad, bad place, and I think even though letting you go hurt me, I did the right thing.” “And you still get to see me all the time.” He added with a smile. His innocence the tether binding us together.

“I do, best part of my day, kid.” He beamed, but then widened his eyes. At first, I wasn’t sure why he looked so nervous all of a sudden, and then I heard her voice. “You ate them already? Were they good?” my mother asked as she stepped up to the counter. JoJo’s eyes darted to mine and I had to stifle a giggle. “He gobbled them right up.” Mom clapped her hands. “I knew you’d like them. I’ll make them for you next week, too.” Jordan’s expression fell just enough, I noticed, as he nodded his head. My mother, on the other hand, missed it completely. I couldn’t contain my smile. She was listing ingredients that she wanted to try next. Cheese Grits… spicy shrimp. JoJo’s smile tipped into a frown the longer the list got. I was about to speak up, save the poor kid, when my phone rang in my pocket. I quickly pulled it out and Jaime’s name flashed across the screen. “I have to take this,” I said to no one in particular as I headed toward the bathroom. I was halfway down the private hall when I answered, “Hey, Jaime.” “You can’t be serious,” he asked by way of greeting. “I can’t stay there.” “Because of that guy? Fuck him, Mel.” I expelled an irritated breath as I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door. “Jaime, I need my job back, at least until I can—” “No, Mel, I can’t. I can’t hire you and then have you quit on me again.” “No?” I asked. Shock colored my tone. “No. You’re too good for this place, and I won’t let you take a step backward, not again. You’re a smart girl, stay the fuck away from this place. Never come back, you understand. Don’t let some asshole ruin everything you’ve worked for.” “Jaime, I need the money.” “Then stay at the shelter, get a job at another shelter, shit, work more hours at your parents’ place, but you’re not coming back here, I’m sorry, but I won’t allow it.” Furious tears bit at the corners of my eyes while anger warred with the feeling of gratefulness in my stomach. My muscles tightened as I attempted to hold in a sob. He’d never told me no, not ever. And yet, he’d made me feel like I might actually be able to get my shit handled; that maybe I didn’t need that place, need him after all. He sighed noisily. “Mel, I’m here, and if you really were in a bad way, you know I’d help you, but you have other options now, use them, all right?” I swallowed. “Okay.” My answer was desiccated and hoarse. “Don’t be a stranger.” I could hear the emotion in his voice and it almost broke the

dam I’d started to rebuild the day Kieran stormed out. I hung up the phone without an official goodbye and held it against my chest. My life had been defined by pitfalls and disappointments and every single one of them was my own damn fault. It was time for me to leave it all behind. I was sober. I was healthy. Every secret I’d hidden had been unearthed. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were so tired, but they were keen, driven, and Jaime was right… I had other options. But I didn’t want them, not really. I let my eyes fall to my phone, and when I unlocked it I knew I was doing the right thing. It would be hard, and maybe I’d have to avoid my own feelings for a while, but I loved Irene’s, and I wasn’t going to let another one of my fuck-ups ruin my life. My fingers typed out a short text. Me: Can I still have my job? It didn’t take her long to reply. Kelly: Duh. Of course. Kelly: I’m happy dancing right now. Kelly: Don’t ever freak me out like that again or I’ll fire you. She wouldn’t Kelly: Just kidding. Yay! See you Monday. Me: See you then.

It had taken me twice as long to get to Maria’s house. I was sitting on her couch drinking hot tea and watching some weird British television show about a guy and a blue telephone booth. My feet were sore from working a double shift, and my clothes were damp from the snow. My sister had gotten stuck and wasn’t able to pick up JoJo so I had to bring him home before I could head to my apartment. “Thanks for picking up the dinner shift. Was Jordan a pain?” she asked a bit out of breath. She plopped down onto the recliner just across from me. “He was fine. He got bored so Dad had him fill the to-go salsa cups, and I’m pretty sure he ate half of it.” She laughed. “He’s getting so big. I hope I can keep up with his appetite.” Maria’s gaze turned serious. “He’s been asking about you… about everything.” “I know, he asked me today what Chance was like.” Her eyes filled with a slight tension. “And?” “And I told him he was handsome. What was I supposed to say?”

“You said the right thing.” It took all of my energy not to roll my eyes. “I can do the right thing, Maria… sometimes.” “I know that,” she argued. “Do you?” She sat up, shifting to the edge of the recliner. “I do. You think I don’t see you, Mel. You think Mom and Dad still worry, still think you’re going to mess up, but that’s on you. We all see how far you’ve come. We love you and we’re proud. We trust you, Mel… when will you start trusting yourself?” I really wanted to. “I’m trying.” And I was. After today, after talking with Jaime, I’d felt my confidence stretch its unused wings. She tapped her fingers on the arm of the overstuffed chair. “He wasn’t a setback, you know?” Confusion knitted my brows. “Who? JoJo? I know that.” She shook her head. “Kieran. I can see how you would think that, but he wasn’t. He was a step forward. You opened up, and it fell apart, but you didn’t. You’re still here, in one piece, and I know you’ll keep moving forward. I just wish you could know that for yourself.” A little over two weeks was hardly proof that I wouldn’t self-destruct. I inwardly cringed. She was right. I was my own worst critic. “I’m trying,” I repeated. “I may need reminders every now and then.” She smiled and leaned back into her chair. “I know.” “Mom.” Jordan’s sleep-drunk tone echoed down the hall. “I’ll be right back,” she said as she stood. “He fell asleep half-way through the last chapter of The Prisoner of Azkaban, he probably just wants me to finish it.” “I’ll be fine,” I said and then took a quick sip of my tea. She wasn’t gone more than two minutes when my phone buzzed inside my pocket. I set my teacup onto the coffee table and pulled it from my jeans. An unknown number flashed across the screen, but I knew who it was. I’d deleted it from my phone just the other day. I’d taken a screenshot of his last poem and then deleted his contact information. It was the only way I could trust myself not to call him. Out of sight, out of mind. My phone vibrated again, but this time, instead of calling, he’d sent a text. The phone kept vibrating though. Several texts messages at once lit up my lock screen. My pulse accelerated as I stared at the small device in my hand. Terror and anticipation. It was the perfect concoction for nausea, and it’s what I’d felt every time I’d think about him. I glanced down the hall and listened for Maria. I could hear her slightly muffled voice. It was rhythmic, and I assumed she was reading to Jordan again. My eyes moved back to the weapon in my hand, and I unlocked the screen with trembling fingers. There were eight text messages.

Red is the color of sin, and I painted myself in its fiery shade. Red is the color of lust, and I allowed its flame to consume me. Red is the color of the rose, and it always stains your cheeks. Red is the color of the sweater you wore on our second date, and it was the night it became my favorite hue. Red is the color of betrayal, and it threatened to burn forever to the ground. Red is the color of anger, and its sun has begun to set. Red is the color of forgiveness, and it’s dipped in love and hope. Red is the color of my heart, and when I gave it to you… I wanted you to keep it. Tears blurred my vision as I read the words over and over again. Each one more beautiful than the last. I wiped under my eyes with my free hand and savored the air in short, ragged breaths. Every last cell, every damn molecule in my body pressed and pushed for me to respond, pleaded with me to tell him everything could work out. But, my relationship with Kieran was toxic. Lethal for both of us. I’d been so frightened to tell him who I really was because I hated myself. Kieran had every right to run away that day, but all it had done was prove to me all the terrible things I’d already felt about myself. His rejection was justified, and staying away protected me and protected him. Maria had told me to trust myself, and I wanted to feel positive about the choices I’d make from here on out. And as much as I wanted to try again with Kieran, I couldn’t shake how awful I’d felt when he’d walked out that kitchen door. I was at a precipice. I wanted to see myself in a healthy light. I needed to move on, and I needed to do it alone. My mouth was dry as I tried to swallow past the taste of salt and regret. The sob in my chest… I willed it into submission as my fingers deleted every last message.

“We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in.” Ernest Hemingway~



The knot of my tie fit snug between my fingers as I straightened it for the fifth time since I’d put the damn thing on. I was sitting in silence, and the only sound was the wind as it whirled around the cab of my truck. Everyone had filed into the church about fifteen minutes ago, but I hadn’t yet caught a glimpse her. I’d parked far enough away, though, so she wouldn’t be able see me, maybe I’d missed her. Melissa had ignored every text, every call, but Kelly had made it clear Mel had decided not to quit her job. She was staying at Irene’s and that gave me hope. Kelly had told me to give Melissa space, to let her figure out what she wanted, but something about that plan wasn’t sitting well inside my stomach. Both of my brothers had stepped back from their relationships when everything had gone wrong, and that choice had brought them years of pain—heartache. Time was too valuable, and I’d already wasted so much of it figuring out what the fuck I wanted in life. As I stared at the familiar church, its stained-glass windows lined with soft white snow, it reminded me that everything I’d ever wanted had started inside those walls. My relationship with God, my memories of my mother… Melissa, everything good about my life was waiting for me beyond those gray granite steps. Now, if I could only find the courage to open the truck door. I’d made a huge mistake… I’d fucked up big time. I needed her to know that I was scared, that her addiction issues terrified the hell out of me, but I wanted her in my life, because I knew she was stronger than that. I loved Melissa, and I never got a chance to tell her. It was too fragile, too new, and I’d hid it from myself, from her, but it had grown regardless of the shadow we’d both placed it in. It flourished, and I wouldn’t let it die. No

matter who lied, or who walked away, we both had to fix this, and I was done waiting for her to figure that out, waiting for her to see the truth of us. My little pep talk drained precious moments from the clock. I expelled a long breath and grabbed the keys from the ignition, sliding them into my slacks. I lifted my suit jacket from the passenger side seat, opened the door and got out. I quickly shrugged on my jacket and made my way through the slush-covered street and sidewalk to the front door of the church. Once inside, I ran my hands through my wet hair to remove any traces of snow. There was a small antechamber in the front of the church, and I could hear Father Becker’s perfect Spanish filter through the large, wooden, interior doors. I swallowed down my fear, my pride, and quietly snuck inside the cathedral. I had no idea what Father Becker was saying, but everyone was still sitting, faces forward, entranced by his fluid words. I scanned the large church, and to my surprise, thank you, God, Mel and her family were sitting just a few rows up from the back. The place was packed, but again I was blessed, the pew behind them had enough room for one more, so I kneeled, made the sign of the cross and took a seat. She was right there in front of me, her long black hair fell down her back in easy waves, so close I could reach out and touch her. But she was no longer mine, and I had to shove my hands into my pockets to keep myself in check. I held my breath when everyone stood. The older lady who sat next to me was staring with curious eyes, surmising, judging, and wondering who I was. I gave her a small, friendly, grin and she turned toward the front. I choked on my chuckle when a draft lifted the scent of jasmine past my nose. It had become difficult to breathe in and breathe out as I watched Melissa throughout the Mass. Her parents were right next to her, and Maria and Jordan were a few rows forward. Seeing her again, seeing them, I started questioning my sanity cornering her like this. Her father probably wanted to kill me. After a while, despite my ignorance of the Spanish language, I’d been able to glean the customary ceremony of Mass by observing and taking cues from the people around me. I knew it was almost time. In just a few short moments, Melissa would turn toward me in an attempt to offer the Sign of Peace. My heart beat so fast, so hard, it galloped and soared, and I felt dizzy with anticipation, with panic. The palms of my hands began to sweat, and I wiped them on my pants, ignoring my unsteady fingers. This was it. My last chance to show her I was here for her, to show her I wasn’t running, and that I wanted it all. Her smile. Her pain. Her past. Her addiction. The atmosphere in the church shifted as everyone started to move and shake hands. The lady next to me held out her hand, and I took it as she said, “La paz sea contigo.” I nodded and whispered, “Peace be with you.” I wasn’t sure if Melissa had heard my voice, but when she turned toward me, her

surprised eyes found mine. I held out my hand, reeled in my confidence, and kept my fingers steady. Her dark eyes sparkled, her cheeks turned to my favorite shade of rose, and her full lips separated with a gasp. She stared at my outstretched hand as a tear fell down her cheek. Mel’s parents hadn’t noticed me yet, or if they had, I didn’t care. My eyes were on her face, and I watched in horror as it drained of color. “Excuse me.” The two words stumbled from her mouth as she quickly spun and practically jumped over the two people blocking her way. “Excuse me,” she muttered, this time a little louder, a little more desperate as she made her escape. My eyes flicked toward her father, and my stomach dropped. He was staring, or maybe glaring at me, but her mom, she had tears in her eyes. She mouthed the word “go” and I complied. The service continued behind me as I chased Melissa out of the church. The heat of the cathedral leaked onto the sidewalk, surrounding my body briefly before leaving me to freeze in winter’s fast moving wind. The sky dumped all around me, shrouding the world in a dense wall of wet white. I spotted her just a few feet away, her gray skirt definitely not weather appropriate. “Melissa,” I called out her name, but she kept walking. Her shoulders lifted, and then shuddered as she dropped her head. I moved as fast as I could on the slick concrete. “Melissa,” I said her name again and raised my hand to her shoulder. “Stop.” She shook her head. “Just stop already, damn it.” She turned abruptly, her eyes wet, and ringed with smudged black kohl. “What!” She shoved me hard in the chest, and I actually fell back a step. “What do you want? Why can’t you just leave me alone?” My jaw clenched. “I can’t.” I took a step toward her and she held up her hand in warning. “I won’t, Melissa. Not until you hear what I have to say.” “I don’t want to hear it.” She ran her hand through her snow-slicked hair. The air was frigid and every breath I took felt like knives gliding down my throat. Anger and frustration heated my pulse, kept me rooted in place. “I don’t give a shit, Mel. You mean something to me, and I’m not going to let you shut me out. Stop running and fucking listen.” I grit my teeth as her spine went rigid. “Just listen.” My voice was gentle now. “Please.” Her lips had begun to pale as the cold found its way beneath her skin. The fabric of her thin button-up clung to her chest. I shrugged out of my jacket and handed it to her. She hesitated, but eventually pulled it on over her arms. She sank into the fabric and took a deep breath, wincing as if in pain. “I’m so sorry, Mel. I messed up. I should’ve never left you in that kitchen. I should’ve listened to you. I should’ve hugged you and told you I wasn’t going anywhere… that your past didn’t matter to me. I need you to know I understand…” I gambled another step. She didn’t move, so I took another, filling all of the empty space. I brought my palms to her cold cheeks and she closed her eyes. “I’m not going to lie to you. I’m scared. Scared of

losing you. I thought about it, I really honest-to-fucking-God thought about everything that could go wrong. What if she uses again? How could I help if she did? Would she leave me? Does she still miss the drugs? What if—” “I never wanted that for you. All that worry, I never wanted that… ” Her eyes opened and her voice was faint. The resolve she had been clinging to was still lingering. “I’m sorry I never told you the truth. You ran because you were angry, deceived, and because you finally saw me for what I was. ” My response stuck in my throat as her tears ran faster. The agony formed solid pressure inside my rib cage. Kelly was right, Melissa needed time to heal, but I wanted to help her do it. It killed me that she thought so little of herself. I had to clear my throat, but still my voice was rough… stretched. “You’re right, I did see you, Mel. And I was afraid, and confused, but who you are to me… that never changed. I realized it never changed. And everything that you hid from me… it doesn’t matter.” “But it does,” she argued. “No, it doesn’t… because I love you, Melissa. I love you and everything that you are.” A sob racked through her, and I pulled her into my chest. “It doesn’t matter what wrongs you’ve committed, because I’ve seen the bright white light of your soul and it’s stunning.” Her body quaked, and I pulled her deeper into my embrace. Our clothes were damp, and the frosty air bit at my fingertips, but Melissa was in my arms. I could feel the weight of her world within every sob that split her open. My muscles twitched as I held her firmly against me. My lips fell to the top of her head with a kiss, and we let the Earth spin without us. Her fingers curled into the fabric of my shirt as if she needed the support. She cried harder and, instead of feeling weak, I hoped that she’d found her freedom. Her eyes were glassy when she tilted her gaze back up to mine, the skin around them was swollen, but she never looked more real, more beautiful than she did right now. She stared at me for a few seconds, her teeth chattering, the elements finally breaking into our bubble again. “Kieran… I-I’ve… all the terrible things I’ve done, I’ll always think I’m not good enough for you. But I want to be, I want the love I have for you to feel like something worth giving.” I held her face and wiped the dark lines from under her eyes. “Your love is the sun, and I fucking bask in it.” I lowered my head only meaning to taste her mouth once, but her lips reminded me, her scent drew me in, and I couldn’t stop. When I finally pulled away, my voice was rough with longing. “I want you to feel that heat, Mel. I want you to look at yourself and see that light. I’ll be here… I’m right here, and I want to help open your eyes.” She exhaled a long breath and the cold air transformed it into smoke. “I want to see it, too. But it’s hard to see past all the mistakes.” “Then just look through them, see them for what they were and learn from it. Learn from them and be happy.”

She brushed a kiss across my mouth and my pulse spiked. “You make me happy,” she whispered. I tilted my head down and our mouths melted together with forgiveness. I kissed her inside the gray of the storm, and she didn’t pull away. Instead, her hands clasped behind my neck, and my fingers tangled in her hair. All the blame and worry evaporated into the warmth of her lips on mine, and when the bells of the church rang, my smile could be felt in our kiss. At any moment, the congregation would pour from the doors, and our short spell of peace would be over. I reluctantly broke from her lips and a violent shiver shook her body. “You’re freezing.” She laughed as she said, “We’re standing in a blizzard.” I glanced back at my truck as an idea formed. I had her in my arms again, and I didn’t want to let go. Her family was inside, and it would be smart to tread lightly, to ease back in, but those dark brown eyes had sparked with amber when she’d laughed and, as always, Melissa had me wanting to risk it all. “Come home with me?” I asked and my lips turned up on one side at the familiar line. She bit the corner of her bottom lip, suppressing her smile, but after a moment she nodded. “Okay.” “Are you sure?” Her yes had my heart pumping. Win number one. She leaned into me on her tip-toes, kissed me once on the mouth and said, “I love you too much to say no.”



“You grabbed everything, right?” Mel asked as she sifted through her oversized messenger bag. I grinned as I watched her frantically check everything for the five hundredth time. “Yes. I even packed two extra sets of clothing in case she has a blow out.” Mel exhaled a long sigh of relief as her left hand lifted the purple and green blanket that covered the car seat carrier I held in my arm. The simple platinum band, engraved with a Celtic knot that symbolized forever, sat on her ring finger. I still smiled every time I thought about the night I’d proposed to her at Jade’s. She would have chewed my ass if I’d gone extravagant and got her a diamond, so I picked something I could upgrade later, after the baby, and hopefully before the wedding next spring. Besides, I’d been saving for the Christmas present that I had hidden in my pocket since the moment we’d found out we were pregnant. “She’s fine,” I assured her with a soft smile. Melissa’s brows dipped. “I know. I’m just—” “Worried?” Her smile pulled into my two favorite dimples. Mel’s cheeks had rounded with her pregnancy and it amplified her dimples even more. “She’s only ten days old, Kieran, what if the twins have a cold, what if—” “Kelly already called, she said we can set her up in the nursery. It’s mostly empty, but I have the pack-n-play in the truck if we need it.” The truth was, after her family left this afternoon, I had to practically drag Mel out of our apartment. We’d had an amazing day with her parents, and Jordan thought it was really cool he was a big brother, but it had completely exhausted her. We were both exhausted, underfed, undersexed, basically… new parents. But it was Christmas, and

Paige and Declan hadn’t met our daughter yet. “Kelly’s so baby hungry I bet she won’t let anyone else hold Ava.” I laughed and Melissa’s tired eyes danced with humor. “How far along is Kelly now? Second trimester?” she asked. I nodded and the elevator doors opened. Mel was still moving slowly, and when she winced I linked our free hands as we stepped into the hall. “Are you okay?” “Cramping, but nothing new.” She gave me a small, lopsided grin and my chest filled with pride. Melissa had our daughter without any pain meds. After she found out her C-section with Jordan wouldn’t hinder her from trying to deliver, she’d been determined to deliver naturally. I’d worried once that maybe one day she’d break, fall prey to the monsters that haunted her veins. When we found out that her birth control pills hadn’t been one hundred percent effective, those fears surfaced, and when we’d heard Ava’s heartbeat for the first time, it had been a mixture of shock and hope. I hoped I wouldn’t lose her to her old demons. I hoped we could both handle the hard shove into the deep end. When Mel put her mind to something she made it so, and I’d felt foolish for ever doubting my strong woman in the first place. I gave her hand a squeeze just outside Kelly and Liam’s apartment door. “Thank you,” I said and then kissed her full lips. “For what?” she asked with a slow growing smile. “For letting me drag you to my brother’s ten days after you birthed a tiny human.” She laughed and the sound of it made my heart sprint. “I figured if I said no, everyone would’ve come to our place, and as much as Liam loves that apartment over Avenues, this family is outgrowing it.” I let my mouth fall into a flat line, hiding the smile that threatened to give away the one surprise I had for her today. “Let’s not argue about the apartment again, okay?” Her smile wavered and she nodded as I knocked on the door.



Ava had passed through four sets of hands before she found her way back into her father’s lap. If she wasn’t eating, she was in his arms. He was all smiles when it came to his little girl. He looked incredibly sexy with his heart on his sleeve. Ava was the perfect blend of both of us. Kieran’s blue eyes matched hers for now, while her dark black curls matched mine, and the girl had a better tan than anyone in my family, that was for sure. Liam had

joked that Kieran needed to buy a gun for her teenage years, and Declan had made the comment that her cousin, Royal, would always have her back. The O’Connell family had taken me in as one of their own, and as I sank into the soft gray couch in Kelly’s living room, I let myself breathe in the moment. “Ava is such a pretty name,” Paige said as she sat down onto the floor by the Christmas tree where the twins were playing with their new toys. Declan slid off the recliner and sat next to her. “It was Mel’s idea.” Kieran beamed at me from across the couch. He’d bundled our daughter in his arms and my lips turned up into a broad smile. Kelly rubbed her belly from where she sat on the loveseat with Liam as she asked, “Is it a family name?” “No,” I answered with a smile. “She was conceived in the spring, and the Spanish word for spring is primavera. I obviously couldn’t name her that… so I played with the letters.” “I love it,” Kelly said and threaded her fingers through Liam’s. “I can’t believe my baby brother had a kid before me,” Liam grumbled as usual, but I’d never forget the smile on his face when Kieran announced we were pregnant. I thought for sure he was going to be full of lectures, but he’d just clapped his brother on the shoulder and pulled him into the biggest hug I’d ever seen Liam give. “All of our kids will be close, though,” Kieran said and nodded his chin toward Kelly’s stomach. “It’s crazy how much things change in such a short time.” Liam’s tone was so gentle I almost didn’t recognize it. Perhaps becoming a father had turned him into a softy after all. “And it will keep changing,” Kieran said as he stood. He handed Ava off to Liam, and I was so distracted by how her uncle had pressed a sweet kiss to the top of her head, that I hadn’t noticed right away that Kieran had knelt down in front of me. It wasn’t until he cleared his throat that he grabbed my full attention. “I have something for you,” he said and his light eyes twinkled with the lights on the tree. My gaze darted around the room, but everyone was busy in their own conversations. Liam and Kelly were cooing and babbling with Ava and, as always, Declan and his family were doing their own thing. “What are you doing?” I whispered and he chuckled. “Oh, don’t worry about them, they already know what I’m about to do. They’re just pretending to ignore us.” Kieran’s smile reached past his eyes as he pulled a black velvet box from his pocket. He set it in my lap. “Open it.” I lifted my eyes to the room, and he was right, everyone was studiously ignoring us. I looked at the engagement ring on my finger and then back at the box. I didn’t need a diamond, or some crazy-fancy-ass ring and he knew it.

“Kieran…” He rolled his eyes. “Just open it.” He mumbled something about stubborn women under his breath, and I shoved his chest. “Oh, my God, open it,” Kelly practically shrieked and the room erupted into laughter. “Open it.” Kieran nudged the box with his finger and his eyes locked on mine. I swallowed hard and with nervous fingers I opened the box. “Everything came at us all at once, and we’re both still trying to find our footing in this new life. But, Mel, you’ve given me all I’ve ever wanted, and I know living above Avenues, that apartment, isn’t a place to raise a family, so I put a down payment on a house.” I stared at the silver key that sat inside the box. The breath I’d tried to take had trapped itself inside my throat. It was probably the hormones, or maybe it was that my crazy fiancé bought a house, but I couldn’t stop the tears from falling over my lashes. It wasn’t just a house, though. This key represented more than walls, and bricks, and paint. It was a place I could be proud of, a place to raise our child, to have JoJo come and play. A place for Sunday dinners, and after school homework. Kieran, without really knowing it, had gifted me something I haven’t had in a very, very long time… he’d given me, given us, a home. I blinked once, and then again before Kieran said, “It’s small, and in my old neighborhood, but it’s a start and—” “I love you,” I blurted past the rushed breath I’d finally been able to take. I flung my arms around his neck, almost knocking us both to the ground, and the room roared with raucous laughter. My nose was buried in the crook of his neck, steeped in the heady scent of him. He leaned back and appraised me warily. His eyes scanned my face and cupped my cheek. His thumb brushed away a few tears and he smiled. “When can I see it?” I asked. “I figured we’d drive by after dinner.” I exhaled a shaky breath. “This is nuts.” “Merry Christmas, Mel.” I kissed him greedily in front of his entire family. “Merry Christmas,” I said and dusted another kiss across his cheek. He brought his lips to my ear and the tickle of his breath sent goose bumps down my spine as he whispered, “And she lived happily ever after.” THE END

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I wanted to send a HUGE thank you as always to my beta and editing teams. Without you lovely ladies, my work would be a hot mess. Thank you so much to the readers, bloggers, and everyone who champions my work on a daily basis. This community is a blessed home, and I’m grateful to be a part of it. Thank you to my PR team at Foreword for always making sure I have the best cheer squad. Thank you so much to Hayley Stumbo for putting together gorgeous poems for my chapter headers. You held true to the story, and I’m so grateful and honored to have your words be a part of Poet. You are an amazing soul and talent and the world should know your name. Thank you to Alfa for letting me use her amazing, talented, and inspiring words in the epigraph. I am excited that we reached out to one another. It is a rare find, generosity and genuine, so I am blessed to say I “know” you. Last and never least. Thank you to my friends and family. My cos-play crazy hubby and kiddos, you keep my smile bright even when the chatter inside my head won’t cease. I love you guys for all time and am lucky to walk the earth next to you every day. Until next time, Much love, Amanda~

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Amanda lives in Utah with her family where she moonlights as a nurse on the weekends. If she’s not busy with her three munchkins, you’ll find her buried in a book or behind the keyboard where she explores the human experience through the written word. She’s obsessed with all things Austen and Oreos, and loves to connect with readers! Stay up to date by signing up for her newsletter here: http://bit.ly/AMJNewsletter Connect with her Online www.amjohnsonauthor.com https://www.facebook.com/AMJOHNSONBOOKS/ Instagram @am_johnson_author