Forbidden Love - Lola Stark

Forbidden Love (Needle’s Kiss #3)

Lola Stark

Forbidden Love

FORBIDDEN LOVE (Needle’s Kiss #3) Forbidden Love. All rights reserved. This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any form without prior written permission of the publisher, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution, circulation or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly. Thank you for respecting the work of this author.

Lola Stark. Copyright © 2015 Lola Stark. Forbidden Love is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places and events portrayed in this book either are from the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, establishments, events, or location is purely coincidental and not intended by the author. Cover design by LM Creations. Editing by Hot Tree Editing.

Acknowledgments First and most importantly as always my small humans, for being what you have been and now are. It’s been a long hard road and it may never be smooth or without stepping stones, but it’s ours all the same. So many minds, talents, hearts and souls go into the making of a book and thanking them in this small section never seems enough, but here it is. Vanessa, you helped me more than I can ever put into words. The late night writing session, the pep talks, the assurances when I wanted to give up, the ass kicking and the love you gave were endless. Pebbles, you’re always in my heart, on my mind and just a message away whenever I need you. You’re my pretty rock, babe. Never to be replaced. Becky, every time you pull through for me. Not just slapping me with your red pen but telling me I can do it, building me up and reminding me there isn’t anything I can’t do. You’re invaluable and I hope to always have you at my side. Louisa, I couldn’t have asked for a better cover artist,

designer and friend. You’re the sweetest chick I know and I’m damn lucky to be able to work with you. I’m so very proud of you for all you’ve accomplished this year, and I look forward to working with you for a long time to come. You’re fabulous! Sharnah, Bec and Cinta, you ladies are the ones who’ve kept me sane. A drink here, dinner there, words of encouragement when needed. You played your own roles in me finally getting this one on paper. The pretty penis… What to say here? Cheers to you for making sure I was never frustrated and always distracted. My Kiss it teamies. You ladies go above and beyond spreading the word and dragging new readers into our little cave. Each and every one of you are badass babes. The handful of girls who helped me stumble along the way, I can’t thank you enough. Bloggers far and wide, without your awesomesauce pimping skills and love for reading, I wouldn’t be where I am today. If you have shared a link, tweeted a teaser, clicked a cover or bragged about a book, you are a rock star. My readers, who shared, one-clicked, read, loved and reviewed. You have changed one family’s hopes and dreams with the simple click of a button.

I’ll forever be indebted to you all. It’s with great pleasure and sadness all rolled into one that I give you all the final book in the Needle’s Kiss series. It’s been one hell of a ride, babes!

This book is dedicated to my girl, Vanessa. For all the things you do, for all the moments you’re there and for all the ass you kick. For reminding me I am in charge of my own happily ever after.

“We can’t do this here, sweetheart,” Jude whispered against my already swollen lips. Standing by the door to my nephew’s room, I was pressed tightly against Jude’s body. He’d come through the front door not a few moments ago and made a beeline upstairs to where I was hoping to sneak in a brief moment before being disturbed by anyone. My heart skipped a beat at the heat in his eyes as his hands held my hips tightly. Stolen moments was what we did best at this point. Not a soul knew we were secretly seeing each other.

“Bathroom. I need you. I need you so badly, Jude,” I told him, my face and wandering hands making it pointedly clear I wasn’t going to wait. “Your brothers are downstairs and —fuck, don’t do that.” Jude’s groan echoed through the room as I ran my hand along the bulge in his jeans. I loved how quickly I could turn him on. “You’re killing me here, sweetheart.” Jude’s lips came down on mine in a crushing kiss that shot me from antsy to holy-fuck-bang-me-right-here-right-now kind of horny. “What the fucking hell is this?” Trip’s voice broke through our passionate lip lock and turned my blood

ice-cold. Jude moved forward and stood just in front of me; a protective gesture that wasn’t necessary. My brothers wouldn’t hurt me, not in a thousand lifetimes. They wouldn’t hurt him either; I hoped. That thought cut through me as I stared at Mace and Trip, both all but shooting flames from their nostrils. “Fuck!” I sighed, knowing Hell was about to break loose if I couldn’t rein in the two egos who’d just caught us redhanded. “Wanna tell me what this shit is?” Trip scowled. I wasn’t worried about my loud-mouth brother. He was mostly talk. I was worried about the hurt look on Mace’s face though. It was directed

straight at Jude and so piercing it was cutting through every other feeling soaring around the small hallway we were crowded in. I suddenly needed to expel every bit of what was bottled inside me. And I needed air. It was fucking stifling under the glare of my two older brothers. I only hoped they’d understand. “Mace, let me explain,” Jude said, ignoring Trip altogether. Mace looked from Jude to me and back at Jude. His face now void of any emotion. It was harder to see him shut down than it would have been if he’d become angry, hurt or even voiced some kind of emotion. With no words, he turned and walked down the stairs. Moments later,

the front door clicked shut. The tightness in my chest turned into a cold rush of pain and piercing silence ensued. I put my hand on Jude’s arm only for him to look down at it, look at Trip and slowly peel my skin from his. He turned around and gave me a look that chilled my entire body. I knew that look. He was battling with a decision I was scared of. He didn’t know what he should do… and just like that he dropped his head. “Don’t,” I whispered with a hitch in my voice. The lump forming in my throat was making it hard to swallow. My heart sunk and I swear it shattered on the wooden floorboards at my feet when he turned his back to me

and slipped quietly past a still angry Trip and conflicted Teeny. “He’s no good for you. What were you fucking thinking?” Trip yelled, cornering me in upstairs. I stared blankly at him, my feet cemented to the spot. A silent tear rolled down my cheek, warm in comparison to the rest of me. I couldn’t escape. Slowly, as Trip kept up his lecture, I let my heart go numb. Soaking up his words but not really hearing them, I took the lashing over what he and Mace just caught me doing. Finally, I snapped. “No.” I pushed the sound past my lips. “I… I need to go after him.”

“Like fuck you will. He’s dead to us. You hear me, Haven? DEAD!” My brother sucked in a deep breath, the veins on his temples bulging and pulsing with rage. “I’m taking your ass home and you’ll goddamn fucking stay there.” “Don’t you say that!” I snapped out of my temporary paralysis and barked at him. “It’s Jude, Trip. He’s our Jude.” “Fuck off he is,” Trip seethed. “He quit being anyone we know the moment he started taking advantage of you.” The way Trip just assumed what was going on hurt more than I could fathom. My heart almost beat out of my

chest, anger replacing all other emotions. They couldn’t really blame Jude for everything. It takes two, as they say… My hand shot out and connected with my big brother’s cheek before I knew what I was doing. The sound of my palm slapping his face rang loudly in the slight space. “It wasn’t Jude who started this, Trip. Don’t you ever speak about him like that.” With those as my parting words, I ran downstairs and out the front door for much-needed oxygen and with a fractured heart.

Haven I twisted my hands in my lap and stared at the white wall in front of me. I never would have thought I’d be here. Not in a lifetime did I think I’d be one of ‘those’ people. Sitting in a sterile room, the nausea closed in on me as quickly as the tears fell down my face. “Haven, can you tell me how long it’s been?” The plump woman in front of me asked, pushing her oversized glasses back up her nose. “Um, well, about six weeks I

think,” I answered hollowly, fighting back against the urge to drop my shoulders and hang my head. “Not long then. I commend you for doing this. It takes a lot of guts to do what you’ve done. Not everyone can see through the denial and admit they can’t do it alone.” Her soft, supposedly calming voice felt like a judgement, no matter how many times I told myself it wasn’t. I cringed at my paranoia and shifted in my seat. He asked me to do this. I have to do this. I can’t let him down. I can’t be a failure at this too. I reminded myself, for what I was

sure was the hundredth time since I rolled out of bed that morning; I was doing this for Jude. For me… it was what was best for me. I nodded at my silent pep talk and focused back on the woman talking and gesturing with her hands. “So, I’ll see you back here for your next appointment and we’ll get that course of action started,” she finished up. Robotically, I stood, shook her hand and wandered out of the building to my car. I started it but just sat. I focused on calming my unsteady hands and the cold sweat broken out on my skin. Two months have passed since I saw Jude.

Two months and I was still broken. In fact, I was so far past humpty-dumpty that I was damn sure there would never be hope for me being put back together again. Once I gained control of myself, I drove over to the other side of town, purposely going the long way so I wouldn’t have to pass his garage. Jude made himself very clear when we stopped fooling around, and while I wanted to be in his life in any aspect, it hurt less to cut all ties. At least, I thought it did… until I started to slip again. I felt it coming, the waves of want crashing over me. The cold rush through my bloodstream and the screaming powerlessness at the craving.

No matter how much time went gone by, I still wanted him—no needed him. The air was staler than it used to be, a bitter reminder of what I’d lost. Just the thought of seeing him made every suppressed emotion rush to the surface and crash over me like the high tide of the ocean current. Saliva rushed into my mouth and the tangy taste that always hit me once I’d gotten what I needed flooded my taste buds. My heart picked up speed and my eyes slid closed as I pulled my car over to the side of the road. It was a feeling only somebody with my history would understand.

I took several long deep breaths in and out, holding onto the steering wheel with a white knuckled grip until it passed. A loud knock at the window had me jumping out of my skin. My hand went to my mouth and a startled noise came from my throat before I realized who it was. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I grouched at Trip when I wound the window down. “You can’t go around scaring people like that. You’ll get shived or some shit.” Trip didn’t say a word, just stood there looking at my face with suspicion. His eyes seared through me while his mouth sat in a hard, straight line, made

more serious by the twin snakebite piercings in his lips. Finally, he spoke, although harshly. “The fucking hell, Haven.” His sharp tone startling, it was my turn to stare openmouthed. I quickly registered that I was sitting in my car on the side of the road a few meters from my sister-in-law Scarlett’s tattoo parlor, where Trip, my second eldest brother worked. I hadn’t even realized I’d gotten that close. In fact, I was a little relieved I hadn’t ended up all the way there before that particular episode had hit me. It would have lead to a series of questions I didn’t want to answer. “Sorry, I umm. I… Why are you at my window?” My defenses kicked in and I played it cool trying to turn the

tables on him so he’d be less suspicious. “You often go around scaring women?” I forced a fake laugh. I’d practiced that laugh a lot over the years. I knew I had it honed to a fine art. “Why’re you sitting in your car? Here?” he asked, crossing his tattooed arms over his chest. My youngest big brother could look menacing when he wanted to, and at that moment, he had the big-brother stance perfected. “What’s wrong, Haven?” His brow furrowed and he scanned my face looking for signs of emotion. I quickly pulled up my walls and schooled my features into indifference. Shut it down, Haven. Pull it in and

shut it down. “Oh, I was coming to see you all and something was going on with my… umm… gearbox.” I quickly shoved the lie out of my mouth like it was gospel. His face evened out and he relaxed. Thank God, he bought it. I let out the breath I was holding and looked back up at him. “Right, take it to the garage. I’ll be down in twenty minutes to get you.” Giving me no opportunity to argue, he turned on his heel and swiftly walked back up the road toward Needle’s Kiss. I wiped the sweat beading on my brow with a clammy palm. “Fuck!” I

yelled into the empty space around me. Of course that backfired. How stupid could I be? I make up a lie that was to do with cars… cars! The only mechanic our family ever went to was Jude. Jude, my brother’s best friend. Jude, the man I was hopelessly in love with. Hopelessly in love with and forbidden to be with. Not only had my brothers forbidden me to see him, but Jude had put the brakes on and put a stop to the fooling around we’d been partaking in. Before Mace and Trip had found out something was going on between Jude and I, we’d been sneaking around, stealing moments together wherever we could. A kiss here, some heavy petting there. When I would babysit his twin boys, Jaxson and

Jordan, Jude would normally come home early and we’d end up a tangled mess of arms and legs. I clenched my thighs together at the thought of Jude between them. I so badly missed him. All of him, not just the amazing sex but the sweet, caring way he did everything. He looked like a rough hardass but he was far from it when you dug beneath the tough exterior and understood who he really was. I missed the boys too. I needed those boys, all three of them. They kept me anchored and stable. As wrong as it might be to rely on a man and kids to keep sane and grounded, it was the truth. They had been the reason I woke up every day. The reason I was waking up

every day after that life altering night. Shaking off my thoughts, I pulled my big girl panties on and eased back out into the street, driving the few yards down the road to J.D’s Garage. Why’d I have to go and make up such a stupid excuse? Not only did I now have to see Jude, but once he looked at my car, he’d find nothing wrong with it and probably think I had lost it. Can anyone say stalker? “So fucking stupid. Let’s see if I can talk my way around this one.” My voiced ramblings kept my mind from truly embracing what I was about to do. I was going to see Jude. After all this time. Damn it all to hell.

I rushed out the front of the garage breathing a sigh of relief. Jude wasn’t there. I’d walked in and come face to face with his new mechanic Rhet. Rhet was quiet yet rough around the edges, around my age with sandy blond hair and almost as many tattoos as Trip. I’d dropped my keys with him and asked for a full service on my car before hightailing it out of there as fast as my Jimmy Choo’s could take me. Just a few steps to go and I’d be free and clear.

Suddenly, large hands circled my waist as I plowed straight into a wall of human. “Shit.” A grunt sounded as my hands flew up looking for purchase. Just my luck I’d run smack bang into the one person I didn’t want to see. Unconsciously, I inhaled deeply, catching his signature smell of aftershave and grease. My eyes drifted shut and my legs began to shake. I can’t lose it now. I was so close to getting away unscathed. “Sorry,” he whispered, his hands gripping me tightly so I didn’t land on my ass. That one word bought back a

rush of emotion and a memory I tried hard to block out. “Don’t do this, Jude,” I croaked out. “Don’t leave.” “I… we can’t, Haven. I can’t betray them like this,” he told me apologetically. “They don’t understand it. They can’t, but don’t let them drive us apart. I need you.” I gripped his arm stopping him from turning way. He looked down at me, his soft green eyes set with determination and vehemence. “I’m sorry.” He steeled himself, let me go and turned his back on me,

walking away like it was the easiest thing in the world. I remained fixed on the spot and looking on. I didn’t want to believe he could. He’d come back. I knew it. I’d get him back. He was all I needed. “Haven.” Jude raised his voice just above a whisper. “Get your fucking hands off her.” Trip’s booming voice behind me had my back going ramrod straight. Spinning around, I pinned Trip with a glare and snapped, “Give it a rest, Trip. You sent me here! “ “I didn’t send you here for Jude to

put his goddamn hands on you,” Trip snarled back, not even looking at me, just glowering at Jude over my head. “I dropped my car off and ran into him on the way out. Literally. He was stopping me from falling on my ass, you dipshit.” With those words, I stepped around Trip and stomped off down the road to Scarlett’s parlor, cussing and grumbling under my breath the whole time. A few minutes later, I walked in the front doors of Needle’s Kiss and flopped down on the sofa, throwing my purse in the corner. “Whoa

now,

sparky,”

Scarlett

greeted from where she sat behind the front counter. The smell of antiseptic and sounds of the tattoo guns buzzing were oddly calming. “Who pissed in your Cheerios this morning?” She pushed away from the counter and came to the sofa, sliding in beside me. “Stupid boys and their stunted displays of testosterone,” I grumbled. “Explain.” She chuckled. “I’m not a baby. Why do those boys keep acting like I can’t make decisions on my own?” I took a deep breath and continued my rant. “It’s like I’m five years old all over again and not allowed to walk to school. I can’t do anything for

myself. I’m not a damn kid!” Scar’s laughter cut through my words and pulled me up short. I stared at her with confusion. “The fuck?” I shot at her. “You.” She laughed harder. “You just walked in here stomping your feet like a petulant child. Now you’ve got your arms crossed over your chest and you’re pouting and throwing a tantrum like a toddler, yet you want to be taken seriously?” My face flushed when I realized she was right. I was acting like a little brat but I was pissed the fuck off. Who were they all to tell me what I could do

and who I could do it with? Jude was no different. What a pussy. Not standing up to my brothers and fighting for us. Clearly, I meant very little to him if they came first. Fine. They could do whatever they wanted. So would I! I went to stand up and add a nice finale to my tantrum when Scarlett put her hand on my arm and stopped me. Her face conveyed her seriousness as she pointedly told me, “You want them to stop treating you like a little brat? Stop being one. Grow up and do something about it.” My defenses spiked and I huffed at her. “And pray tell how the fuck am I supposed to have them take me

seriously?” “Look around you. Take a look in the mirror Haven and ask yourself what you want. Then damn well take it!” “And how do you suggest I just take it?” I snapped back. “They’re just boys, honey,” she implored. “Boys are essentially idiots.” I must have shown my complete confusion because she chuckled and bestowed her wisdom on me. “Boys think with their egos and penises ninety percent of the time. You can always count on that, and the fact they’ll do anything to protect their sister or the

woman they love. Stupid shit, the dumbest and most irritating things you’ve ever seen. They’ll do it. Never fail. “ “I’m not seeing your point here on how exactly I make my life choices,” I interrupted her speech. “Do whatever the hell you want and don’t make apology for it. You want Jude? Make him want you. You want the boys to treat you like an adult? Be one. Without apology. Get a job. Be a big girl. Show them you’re capable of doing shit on your own and don’t back down.” She slapped her hand down on the table in front of us to accentuate her point.

“I’ve been looking for a job for months and still I’ve had no callbacks. Nobody is hiring.” “I am. Teeny and Trip are both part timing to spend time with Javier now. I’ll be taking some time off soon and we need a receptionist. Just keeping track of timeframes, appointment bookings, enquiries, all that kind of crap.” She made her way around the other side of the counter and pulled out a few papers from a drawer before dumping them and a pen in my lap. “Fill this shit out. You start tomorrow. No uniform. Just don’t dress like a dirty skank and we’re golden. “ I looked at the papers and back up

at Scar’s retreating form, then back at the paperwork and my shaking hands. Tears welled up in my eyes and I sucked in a breath. Scarlett was family, yet she’d asked no questions, made no commotion about it and just gave me a job. I loved the woman like she was blood and everyday she proved why we loved her. She was the perfect balance to my pigheaded brother and his stupid antics. She was just all around loveable. There wasn’t ever a time you were near her and you didn’t smile when she did or felt the overwhelming need to take a bullet for her. She really was an angel. A little rough around the edges but an angel none the less. I exhaled long and shaky breaths

before I got to filling out the papers in my hand. Before I knew it, Trip was walking in the front door. I quickly and as discreetly as possible scanned him for signs of being in a fight with Jude and allowed the relief to wash over me when I found no bruises, red marks or cuts. They would have traded words and left it at that. I hoped. “Car’ll be ready in an hour,” he grumbled at me. My defenses instantly went up. I hated when he spoke to me like that. And I wasn’t going to take it… not this time. “Speak to me like that again and we’ll be having a big problem, Javerio.” I glared and slapped the pen down on the

table. I knew using his real name would get his back up and make him take notice. It only took a beat before his glare came down on me. I wasn’t going to shrink back through. I was an adult and he’d damn well better start treating me like one. “Pardon fucking me?” He stood stock-still, intimidating Trip on display. Almost like a disgruntled peacock or something. It was practically ridiculous. “Unpuff your chest and speak to me like I’m a human being not a child. You’re being rude and entirely assy.” I crossed my arms over my chest and held my ground. Trip did a double take and looked like he was going to stomp his

foot before making a scene of heading to the back break room. Scarlett sat in her station all out laughing as he passed. His mumbled words only made her laugh harder before she looked at me with something like pride shining in her eyes. It was something I’d not really encountered before unless from Ma. Foreign and oddly satisfying, I took it and smiled at her, then placed my paperwork on the front counter. “See you at 9 am,” she called out. I nodded and waved as I walked out the front door and headed to the coffee shop across the road feeling quite good about myself. Things just might work out for me

after all. Thanks largely to Scarlett’s words of encouragement, I had a little hope.

Jude I walked back into the garage and punched one of the big metal tool cabinets on my way past. I sucked up the pain like a drug I couldn’t cope without. Why was she here? There was something about her that was just so alluring. I couldn’t see her without wanting to fall to my goddamn knees and worship her like she was a queen amongst peasants. Suck it up, you pussy! When did you acquire feelings? Pushing away from the doorframe

at the back of the shop, I trudged outside in my heavy boots, kicking rocks as I went. I cut off my emotions as soon as I was able. I struggled to handle these kinds of feelings; they messed with my head and left me making bad decisions. Decisions that screwed with friendships, families and futures. I couldn’t have a future with her; it just wouldn’t be good for anyone. Sitting at the bar stool, I pulled Haven between my legs and moved my hands to run up her silky legs, stopping at the bottom of her tight black skirt. Her arms came up and circled my neck as her head came down to my face. My fingers teased the skin at the edge of her skirt as she pulled my bottom lip

into her mouth and sucked, tearing a growl from my throat. My fingers stopped their progress and dug into the skin of her legs, pulling her tighter to me and deepening the torturous kiss. In response, her hands dropped to my shoulders, her nails close to breaking the skin through my t-shirt while my fingertips ghosted over the curve where her legs met her luscious ass. The tightly wound restraint I had been keeping snapped, and I swiftly stood, picking her up. Her legs instantly wrapped around my waist and I took a few long strides to the edge of my workbench where I set her down, then pressed hard against her core and ground my hips. Haven’s hands tugged

at my shirt ripping it over my head as I ran my rough hands higher and higher up her soft thighs until I hit the sweet spot. She moaned just as my mouth came down, devouring her like the starving man I was. She was my drug of choice. Her taste, touch and smell I just couldn’t get enough of it. I couldn’t get enough of her, and I didn’t need it either. Haven would always be exactly what I craved. “Dude, snap out of it.” The voice broke me out of my reverie and yanked me back to the present. Goddamn it, I did it again. I’d been slipping into memories of Haven for weeks. I just couldn’t get her out of my head. It was fucked up, messy and it left me in a piss-

ass mood for the rest of the day. Why’d I have to fall for a girl I can’t have? That’s how it always worked though, right? The guy loved the girl he couldn’t have. Then the poor bastard pined for her for all eternity and was unable love anyone like he loved her. He’d end up miserable and alone, simply because a relationship would be selfish and do more harm than good to the people they both loved. Scrubbing my hand down my face in an effort to wipe her from my thoughts, I knew something had to give. I didn’t know how much more I could take. “Dude, fuck off. Don’t you have

some wrenches to turn?” I huffed as I pushed past Derek, my temporary mechanic, and walked out the front door of the workshop, pounding my boots on the pavement until I got to Haven’s car. I could almost guarantee there was nothing wrong with it since I spent two hours servicing it not long before we stopped sneaking around together. Something must have happened for her to have brought it in though. Normally, I’d have Derek, the young mechanic, look at it for me, but it was Haven’s car and I trusted nobody to touch it but me. I popped the hood and fucked around for a good forty-five minutes before I’d calmed down and ascertained nothing was wrong with the car. Now I

was trying to figure out why the hell she’d brought it in, followed by Trip throwing around his balls and temper. I knew why he was pulling a power play. After finding out about Haven and I, he wasn’t real happy with the situation and for good reason. She was his little sister. I was his older brother’s best friend. It was a line guys didn’t cross, an unspoken code of sorts. Ordinarily, I’d put him in his place when he started walking around with his dick and a measuring tape in his hand, but I was on rocky ground with the boys as it was, so I was making no attempt to stir the proverbial pot. It was hard enough just trying to stay away from Haven, not hearing her voice or feeling her warm

skin pressed against mine. It wasn’t just the explosive sex I missed either… I missed spending time with her. Fuck me! My balls had shriveled up and I was growing a fucking vagina. A noise from the front of the shop drew my attention to a guy twirling his keys around his finger while leaning against a big, dirty Ford Silverado. He had a bit of a cocky look about him that I was in no mood to humor. “What can I do for you?” I stopped in front of him and crossed my arms over my chest. “Full set of tires and a service.” He unfolded his ankles and pushed off the

truck when I held out my hand for the keys. “Won’t be ready till late afternoon.” I let him know as I took the keys and bypassed him to take note of the tire size. “No problem, bud. Here’s my card. Just give me a call when she’s ready to go.” He flicked a business card out of his pocket and handed it to me before walking off in the direction of the café down the road. The guy clearly wasn’t from around here. He was an out-oftowner for sure; his truck yelled it, his clothes and demeanor screamed it, and if that wasn’t enough, the country boy accent did him in. Besides, I was in a

foul mood and something about this guy annoyed me which I knew wasn’t fair, but all the same. I was in top form today. I hated the world and almost everyone in it. Except Haven. Fuck.

By the end of the day, my mood had gone from bad to worse on account of a phone call from the school telling me Jaxson had gotten in a fistfight with another kid during lunch. Both boys weren’t seriously hurt. They’d just come

away with a few scratches and bruises, but I was more than a little annoyed my boy was getting in fights. Neither of the boy was talking, so when I got home, I’d be pulling him aside and making sure he spilled his guts. I closed up the back roller doors, walked into the office and started filling out the last few invoices for the day. A small tap at the door about twenty minutes later had my heart racing. I knew who it was before I even saw her. That perfume had invaded my dreams more than once over the last few months. I’d know it anywhere. My head slowly came up and my eyes took her in longingly. I lapped up of every inch of her perfect form. My chest twinged with an ache that

couldn’t be helped. Good God, I fucking missed her. “Jude.” Her almost silent whisper hit me right in the guts and I stood quickly to block out the memory which slammed into me. “Jude, I need you. I need you right now.” Her soft whimper dragged over me like nothing I’d ever felt before. The want in her voice as I pulled my head back from nibbling on her inner thigh drove me further over the edge. I settled my hips in the space between hers and slowly slid inside my own personal heaven.

“Keys,” I mumbled, holding them out and trying not to think about grabbing her and telling her just how much I wanted her, and how goddamn badly I needed her. It was pointless. “Car’s fine. Be careful driving home. There’s supposed to be a storm soon.” My short tone left no room for conversation because Lord knew, I couldn’t stand in the same room as her for more than five minutes without losing my carefully strung together bravado. A guy could only fake it for so long. Wait, what? The longer she stood there, the further my façade slipped. “Oh, umm, thanks.” She fumbled over her words as I watched the walls

she was so good at holding come up. That damn twinge in my chest tweaked again at the sight of it. I hated hurting her. I hated it with vengeance but it was better this way. I couldn’t betray my second family like that again. I wouldn’t risk them being upset at her. “What do I owe you?” she asked with steel in her words. “Nothing. It’s been taken care of.” I lied through my teeth. I never charged her or her brothers, but her stubborn ass wouldn’t accept me doing that. Still to this day, she wouldn’t. With my strength wavering, I needed to get out of the room or have her leave. I couldn’t stand it for another minute. “Right then. Take care, Haven.” I dismissed her as indifferently

as I could manage and turned my back to her still standing across the counter. She took the keys from where I placed them on the countertop. A small sigh escaped her lips as she squeezed them in her hand tightly, and then walked to the office door, pausing for a second to look back at me. “Bye, Jude.” Her voice was quiet and she strolled away with another sliver of my heart. I turned back around after I heard the door catch, pretending not to watch her walk to her car. I shuffled a few papers around in an effort to stay put. When I saw her taillights glow and heard the turnover of the engine I built drive away, I let out the breath I was holding in and flopped down into my chair, my elbows on my

knees and my head hanging low. Why the fuck did this still have to be so fucking hard? Impulsively, I stood, forcing my chair backward, slamming it into the filing cabinet behind me and knocking down a bunch of invoice books, pens and crap that were littering the space. “Motherfucker!” I yelled in frustration just as the cocky out-oftowner strolled in. I quietly cursed under my breath for losing my cool and dragged my hand down my face. Pulling my shit together, I got him squared away and sent him packing in his bullshit truck before stomping around and locking the

place up for the night. By the time I arrived home and put dinner on for the boys, I was so tired the phone call from the school had slipped my mind. That was until the boys came walking in the door and I saw their faces —a black eye, a busted lip and a grazed cheek. “Bud, come here,” I called to Jaxson as he scuttled past toward the stairs that led up to the bedrooms. His head was hanging and his shoulders looked heavy. He shuffled over to where I was leaning against the kitchen counter and flopped down onto one of the black

stools, dumping his backpack at his feet. “Look at me, Jax,” I told him gently. When his sad eyes collided with mine, my battered heart broke a bit more. “Want to tell me what happened?” His chin started to wobble and his eyes glossed over with tears. I reached my hand out and squeezed his shoulder silently, letting him know I would wait for him to talk when he was ready. “Why’d Haven go away?” His little voice was so quiet I almost missed it. “I, well, I can’t… Haven had things to…” I bumbled around, looking for an excuse I could give him. Jaxson though wasn’t having a bar of it. Before I could

come up with a believable story, he cut me off. “Don’t lie, Dad. You always told us not to lie.” He sniffed and looked me dead in the face, his voice growing louder. “You made her go away. You made her leave us.” This wasn’t how I expected our conversation to go. How the hell did he turn that around so fast? “I… I know you don’t understand and I don’t expect you too. It’s complicated, bug,” I explained halfassed. Jaxson normally hated when I called him bug, a nickname that stuck when he was a baby; he claimed he was

too old for it, but he just stared at me with sadness shadowing his features. “It’s your fault we’re all sad, Dad. You hurt her,” he murmured before getting up and dragging his feet to his room. I was left standing there dumbfounded and feeling like he’d slapped me in the face. I never wanted to affect the boys, but one day they’d understand it was for the best. Somehow, Jaxon managed to hoodwink me with talk of Haven and the conversation I had planned about the fight at school was forgotten. I guessed I would try again later when he’d calmed down some. How the hell did my life get so

motherfucking messy? “Stupid bastard,” I cursed and shook my head as I walked to the sink and drained the pasta that had been boiling on the stove. “You didn’t even think of anyone else before you went and got your dick wet, did you?” The hot water splashed up and scolded my forearm as I dropped the pot and the pasta spilt everywhere. I groaned and looked over my shoulder to the unopened jar of pasta sauce, knowing I had not one iota of damn patience left for anything. I badly needed a hot shower and a bottle of bourbon or two. Reaching over the counter, I picked up the phone and dialed.

“Frankie’s Pizza Plaza, how can I help you?” the raspy voice on the other end of the line said. “Hey, Frankie. It’s Jude. Can I get the usual, please?” The exhaustion dripped from my voice as I spoke. “No worries, dude. You sound like you’ve been through the ringer. The new driver will be there in about twenty.” Pans banged and crashed in the background. “Cheers.” I stood up from my perch and rounded the kitchen counter pulling down a glass and a bottle of bourbon from the cupboard above the stove. My muscles protested as I reached wide and

tapped the glass against the ice dispenser on the front of the fridge before topping it up with the golden amber liquid. “Bath time, boys!” I called out to the kids before taking a good mouthful of liquid stress reliever. Drooping back against the counter, I sighed when the rush of warmth ran down my throat and settled deep in my stomach. My head pounded, my body ached and my eyes felt like they were hanging from their sockets. This day needed to end and it couldn’t happen soon enough. The boys as they ran from one side of the house to the other, the only reprieve in my day knowing they were

happy. Obviously, bath time was being avoided. I pushed off the counter to rally everyone into the bathroom. The doorbell chimed as I dragged my feet toward the stairs, changing my path to answer the door instead. I palmed my wallet from the side table as I went. “That’ll be $23.60, thanks.” The delivery driver smiled when I opened the door. A young girl, no older then seventeen, all but bounced on the spot. Some people clearly loved their jobs far too much. “Thanks.” I handed over some cash and told her, “Keep the change.” Jordan

bounded past me and took the pizza and wings from her hands before I could even reach for them. I chuckled, so much for the bath. “Thanks for the tip. Would you mind terribly if I gave you one of these?” The curly redheaded pogo stick held out her hand with a small white card in it. I took it between two fingers with my eyebrows raised, wondering what the hell she was giving me. “I’m trying to make money to help with my college tuition.” She bounced on the balls of her feet as she spoke a huge smile still in place. “I babysit, mow laws, do cleaning, cooking and errands. Just about anything you can think of I can try.” She told me, her springy red hair falling out

of her baseball cap. “Oh, sure. Sounds good.” I yawned not able to withhold my tiredness. “Great, thanks, super! Well, if you ever find a need for any of those things, there’s a number on the card. Have a great night, mister!” I closed the door as she bounded down the front steps and back to her little car. Not taking much notice, I threw my wallet and the card onto the side table and headed to the living room to see what scraps of food the garbage disposals I called children had left me.

Haven I was afraid of so many things. I knew in the bottom of my heart and soul I just wasn’t enough. Being alone, not being worthy, being the wrong person, feeling too much, not feeling enough, people seeing me cry, never being loved, getting my heart broken… I was afraid of being human. I was afraid of being me. Those lines… ‘I ’m just not ready for a relationship.’ ‘I need to evolve as a human being.’ ‘It’s not you it’s me.’ ‘Don’t take it personally. You’re a great girl.’ I’ve heard them all before.

They drew you in and spat you out every time. But I couldn’t be bitter. I never would be. I’d just always be a fool, the fool who hoped against all odds that I’d find that person who’d look at me like I mattered, the one who’d hold me just because they wanted to… who’d call me at night just to hear my voice. That one person I could give myself to completely without fear or regret. That one person who could look at me with tears rolling down their face and still tell you I’m the most beautiful person in history. A fool who’d stumble and fall over my crushed dreams but get back up and do it all again later. Tears rolled down my face and I

pulled my comforter over my head, burrowing down into my nest of pillows in the hope I wouldn’t feel so alone in the cold of the night. So irrelevant, so broken, so very damaged. The sound of my broken heart beating in my chest lulled me off to sleep. My eyes drifted closed and the silence I was accustomed to faded into darkness.

Monday came far too quickly and with a burst of sunshine I silently wished

death upon. Like a sick twist of fate, I passed more than my fair share of ‘happy couples’, all of whom made me want to regurgitate my coffee and bagel. “Stupid feelings,” I grumbled at the sidewalk. I pushed the button on my keys, unlocking my car and flinging the door open. I threw myself into the driver’s seat and tossed my handbag beside me. “Boys are dumb,” I repeated my mantra as I jammed the key into the ignition with vengeance and started the engine. I could smell him in my car; the heady scent of Jude was all around me. He’d been in my car just days before, checking it out at the garage and that overwhelming smell that was just him still lingered. Lemon, a small hint of

leather, engine grease and his own natural pheromones that always seemed to have me wanting to lick him. It was infuriating when I was in such a foul mood. I just couldn’t avoid him no matter how much I tried. “Fuck this!” I slammed the car into gear and rolled down the windows. I didn’t need the constant reminder of Jude, in my car no less. It was bad enough he invaded my thoughts, my dreams, my very soul. I couldn’t have him permeating the air inside my car too. Everything conflicted within me as I made my way to Needle’s Kiss. My first day on the job and already I was a frazzled mess.

“If you want to be treated as an adult, Haven, act like one.” My pep talk did a whole bunch of nothing to calm the storm raging on my emotions. Stewing the entire way to work, I grumbled and glared at anything that could have possibly offended my mood, and most things that didn’t. Pulling up to the parlor, I scolded myself for being childish and tried to paste a sweet smile on my face. After all, it was my first day working in a job that could possibly hand me my freedom and some muchneeded respect from my big ogre brothers. “Morning,” I called out in a fake-

as-Barbie tone, the front door charm sounding at my appearance. “Morn… hot damn, sugar!” Teeny stopped dead in her tracks, all but breaking her neck doing a double take. “What happened to you?” She met me at the front counter and looked me up and down. “Pardon?” I asked, confused. “You look hot. As in, I think I just got hit by a truck and the devil sent his sexiest vixen to get me, H.O.T.” She finished with a wolf whistle. “Oh, give it up. It’s nothing much. Scarlett told me to amp up the wardrobe

a little, so I did. It’s not too much, is it?” I asked, suddenly nervous I’d overdone her instructions. I looked down at my outfit of black torn tights layered under a red and black plaid schoolgirl style skirt and topped with a black sleeveless and very busty top. “I fucking love it. Those boots… holy hell I’d fuck you in those boots.” She pointed to my grungy, chic black and silver studded stiletto ankle boots with a greedy look in her eyes. “Back up now, sister. You’re banging my brother. You can’t have it all.” My mood had lifted significantly just from her words. I apparently needed that kind of affirmation that I’d done

something right. “One sibling at a time, honey,” I joked as I pushed my handbag under the desk and took my seat. “Fine. I choose the penis then. I don’t think I could live without a good penis even when it’s attached to an ass who infuriates me more than he pleases me.” “Stop talking about my cock for shit’s sake,” Trip grumbled as he walked out from behind the wall separating the reception room and the rooms where they worked their magic. He stopped walking and screwed his face up while staring daggers through me. “Get up, get the fuck home, and change your clothes.” His voice was

deathly quiet. “No,” I told him with attitude, and turned back to my desk. “Now!” he rumbled behind me. “Fuck off, asshole,” I said nonchalantly. To hell he was bursting my bubble with his He-Man tantrum. “Leave her alone and go away.” Teeny stood with one hand on her hip and one pointing to the back of the shop. “Now. Go on, get.” She tipped her head, cementing her words. “Teeny, stay out of it. She’s my baby sister.” Trip threw his hands crudely toward me while stating his case

to his girl. “The fuck she thinking coming in here looking like that?” His face colored crimson with his outburst. All the while, I pretended to busy myself with where everything was located behind the counter. “Fuck off, Trip. Unless you don’t want to get off later.” Teeny smirked, an evil I-got-you-by-the-balls look in her eye. With a huff, Trip turned on his heel, mumbling something about cockblocking, and throat-punching, and who knows what else. Teeny turned back toward me, her gaze following my brooding brother. “You know, he only does it because he cares.” Her voice just a tinkling whisper. There was no way

she was giving up the power she just assumed for the day when it came to Trip. I knew it was only a matter of time before I heard sex noises coming from the back, especially when those two had words. Teeny winked at me and bounced back to her station, humming some sort of “I’m gonna get cha” type tune. “Don’t let him get to you, babe.” She shook her head as she prepared her station. “You know how those boys are. He’s just taking the fact you’re all grown up now a little harder than normal. He’ll get over it.” She explained.

“And if he doesn’t?” I asked earnestly. “I’ll beat it out of him.” She laughed. “You know my boobs used to look like that once…” She trailed off, walking away with a wistful sigh and leaving me to smile in her wake. I’d always liked Teeny, but even more so now she had my back or a crush on my boobs. Either way, it worked for me.

“I’m sorry, sir. I just can’t find it. Are you certain you called ahead?” The

phone was pressed tightly between my shoulder and ear trying as hard as I could to hear the male voice between static sounds. “I’m having a lot of trouble hearing you clearly. Can I call you back shortly?” I pulled the phone away from my ear and cringed. I’d dealt with more morons in one day than I had in the last month. I didn’t think anything else could go wrong for a first day. First, I’d dropped an entire dish of ink while setting up Teeny’s station. Then I’d gone to help the delivery driver get in the door with a shipment of supplies only to trip over my own two feet and take him down with me. I’d double booked Trip by an hour and a half. Luckily, Teeny

had time to fix that mess and then I’d insulted some lady who’d come in to have a small piece added to her ribs, asking her, “Would you prefer one of the artists to draw something up.” I was about ready to go bury my head in a bucketful of piranhas; it’d be much less painful I was sure. As if it were possessed, the phone kept ringing. I struggled to keep up with all the flashing lights. Geez, I knew Needle’s Kiss was successful, but damn. Picking up the next call greeted me with a god-awful screeching sound. I wasn’t sure if actual words were being spoken or someone was strangling a cat. Putting my finger in my ear, trying to block any cross noise, I listened for what the

request was. “Okay, no need to scream. I’ll have to see what I can do. Okay, yes. Please hold.” I pressed the Call Hold button and put the receiver down, releasing a big breath. Why were people such asses? I’d always had respect for people in customer service, but after today, even more so. Being abused and yelled at for no good reason, spoken down to and made to feel stupid were the themes of the day apparently. The front door chimed and I looked up to find a party of three college students coming toward my desk. “I’ll be one moment, sorry.” I held up my finger and dashed off to find Teeny.

“FUCKING HELL!” I screamed, slamming the sketch room door behind me as I ran back out of it. I’d found her all right, bent over a desk in a very compromising position, a position I was sure would leave me with nightmares. “Sorry ‘bout that. What’s wrong?” she asked, tucking her shirt back into the band of her still unbuttoned jeans. “I… umm… I…” I stumbled over my words, still thrown off at just having walked in on my brother diddling his wife. At. Work. A place where I was no less! “Come on, out with it,” she told me,

fluffing up her hair so it didn’t look like it’d just been pulled. “Everyone has sex, sweetheart.” She smiled. “I… the… the phone… umm…” I shook my head and tried again. “There’s a customer on the phone who claims to have an appointment with you this afternoon, but I have no booking for him.” I followed after her toward the front of the shop and paused long enough to say, “You two are fucking gross.” Teeny simply poked her tongue out and pushed her boobs up for effect before picking up the phone and putting on a professional demeanor. Still shaken and feeling like I needed a bleach bath, I busied myself helping the collage kids

find what they were after, hoping the day didn’t get any worse. One of them picked a small fairy to go on her ankle while the others took a seat. I handed the image off to Trip and passed him the signed consent form. He looked unbothered that I’d just seen him having sex. In fact, he just chuckled and took his client to the other end of the store to work. Teeny stood up from my seat and put the phone back on the base. “All sorted. His appointment was for next Wednesday. His girlfriend booked it in under her name apparently.” She changed the name in the appointment book and leaned down on the glass

counter. “I swear today can’t get any worse. I’ve fucked everything possible up,” I grumbled, clicking Print on the screen in front of me. The printer came to life and started spitting out forms to re-stock our paperwork just as Teeny let out a loud laugh. “Famous last words, chick.” I scrunched my forehead up and looked toward the door where her eyes had been fixed just as Jude walked in. My stomach instantly plummeted to the floor and the rest of my body knotted up. Seeing the man you were completely and hopelessly in love with walk into a

room, knowing you had him and lost him, was gut wrenching… literally. I looked down to the computer screen but not fast enough to miss the steely expression cross his face when he saw me. Talk about a slap to the face. That slap turned into a punch when he walked straight past me to the back of the shop without a single word. The moment he was out of sight my shoulders slumped. “Go take a break across the road for lunch or just go for a walk, chick. You need a minute.” Teeny’s tone was understanding. I snatched up my bag and headed to the front door with my head still down, silently holding back the

tears that threatened to spill over. “I know it’s not worth much, but I’m sorry,” Teeny added before I ducked outside and around the corner to the parking lot where the fat tears broke their banks and rolled down my face. “What a cluster fuck of a day. “ I sniffled into my hands as I made my way as far as my legs could carry me from the parlor. Teeny was right; I spoke too soon. Jude was the icing on my completely fucked-up cake of a first day. No way in hell was I going to be able to go back. I bet my pink slip was waiting for my defeated return.

“Please don’t be there when I get back,” I mumbled to myself as I opened the door to the sandwich shop. I had no appetite, but the smell of fresh baked bread was comforting anyway. I couldn’t shake the look he had given me, or should I say non-look as he walked past me as if I were nothing but gum on the bottom of his boot. I closed my eyes as I slouched into the little booth toward the back. Almost as if in silent prayer, I willed my heart to stop breaking just a little bit more every time I laid eyes on Jude.

Jude Fuck me dead. I’d been anxious before I got to Needle’s Kiss, but once I actually entered the shop, I nearly fell over my own tongue. Seeing Haven was fucking painful, but seeing her looking so good was pure torture. That sexy outfit had somehow made me want to say to hell with everything, throw her over my shoulder and take her home. The thought of Haven in my home as she made it our home, caused a twinge in my chest. It would never be. “What the fuck do you want?”

Trip’s sharp tone snapped me back to the here and now. “I want to talk to you,” I shot back just as bad-tempered as he was. I was well and truly over this hostile bullshit. These boys were my family for all intents and purposes. “Well, too bad. I got nothing to say to you.” He threw a hand towel over his shoulder and stomped off toward the back entrance. Apart from the fact I didn’t want Haven overhearing us, I also knew he was going to take a swing and that was always best done outside. “Don’t really give a shit. You don’t have to say anything but you’ll damn

well listen.” I let the heavy back door close behind me and steeled myself just in time for Trip’s fist to connect with my jaw. A metallic taste filled my mouth instantly. I spat it at the ground near my feet and ran my tongue over the small split in my lip. “You done?” “Fuck you!” Trip snarled, lunging at me again. I let him throw as many punches as he needed to, blocking them all without hitting back until he was out of breath. Once he stumbled back and doubled over resting his hands on his knees, I asked again. “Done now?” Dropping my arms to my sides, I quietly struggled to calm my own labored

breathing. “You’re an asshole,” he gasped. “And you’re gonna listen to me now.” I leaned against the brick wall. “Don’t tell me what to fucking do.” His tantrums hadn’t changed, not one iota since I’d met him. And he wondered where Haven inherited it from, I mused, watching him for signs of round two. “Look, the way you caught us wasn’t cool. I know that. But don’t think for a second I was anything less that real about her.” I spoke slowly. His face reddening, he stood, looking for another fight.

“Don’t talk about her. You don’t even get to mention her name, asshole!” he huffed. “She’s my baby sister! You don’t fuck with my baby sister!” He lunged and I moved out of the way. “Not fucking ever. You used her. I’ve seen you do it time and time again. You’re a fuck ‘em and forget ‘em guy.” His voice gaining both aggressiveness and rage, he continued. “Where the fuck do you think I learned how?” I responded in kind. I wasn’t backing down this time. Shit needed to be done. “She’s different.” My voice low and menacing, he turned around and charged at me again. “I know. She’s my little sister!” He

tried to slam his shoulder into my stomach, but missed when I pushed him backward. “No, she was different, Trip,” I said in a slow precise tone. He stopped and pulled his hands up to his hips, breathing hard. “I’m listening.” “She wasn’t just a conquest for me, Trip. She’s Haven. That girl is fucking special. To all of us. I wasn’t out to hurt her.” I was as uncomfortable as hell; feelings between guys just wasn’t a thing we did. “Well, you should have known not

to go near her. Not ever, dude. She was always going to be off limits.” Trip could be a dick and make a hell of a display by being just that, but when it came to family, he was fiercely loyal. If I couldn’t be around all the time to protect Haven, she couldn’t have had better than her two brothers. “I’m not going near her again. It fucking hurts, but I’ll stay away because I know I’ll never be anything close to what she deserves. And I hate that there’s a damn rift between everyone. I need it sorted out for her, for you, and for my boys.” I told him truthfully, taking a shuddering breath as I laid it all out for him.

"When the boys’ mom left us, I had nowhere to turn but to my family. I suddenly found myself the single father of two boys with nobody to help me. Except you guys. I've loved you since we were kids, Trip. The whole family. I had no way of knowing that what I felt for Haven would change, but hear this: I love that girl with every piece of whatever I have left. But I love you and Mace, too. You two dickwads are the only thing on this planet who could force me to turn my back on her. It broke her heart, Trip. Hell, it's still breaking. I don't want that for her, but what we have, our family, is more important. So I'll stay gone. You have my word that Haven is off limits."

"You can't talk your way out of this, Jude." Trip's tone was harsh, but I saw the fight had gone out of him. "You're right about one thing though. We're family. For no reason other than your boys, we'll make this right. They deserve that much. But you've still gotta talk to Mace, and I sure as shit don't envy you for that." He held the door open for me, grabbing my elbow just long enough to get in a final demand. "And seriously, keep your hands off my sister." “I hear you.” I clapped him on the back and walked in the back door hoping I’d miss Haven as I headed through, but to no avail. I only made it halfway through the

parlor when I heard her laugh. It was a laugh that had very nearly brought me to my knees time and time again. Today was no different; except this time, it hurt just a bit. I was miserable and she was able to laugh; she still had joy. It was a double-edged sword. I wanted her to be happy, but at the same time, it pained me that it was without me. I stopped moving when I reached the half wall that sectioned off the waiting room from the back area. What I saw was like a punch to the balls. The cocky country boy from the garage was back… and he was flirting with my gir— I cut that thought process off. She wasn’t my girl, but anyway I

looked at it, she wasn’t gonna be his either. The jackass leaned on the glass display cabinet beaming a cheesy-ass megawatt smile at Haven. I grabbed Trip by the arm before he could walk out there and pricked my ears up to hear what they were talking about. “That’s really pretty on you,” Cowboy said, pointing to the necklace Haven was playing with around her neck. “Oh, this is just an old piece of junk, really. It’s kinda pretty though, I suppose,” she answered on a short giggle. She was fucking giggling. This

guy was pulling out the cheesiest damn lines and she was eating up the attention. “I think you and your pretty necklace should come to dinner with me.” He leaned forward and brushed his fingers over the necklace that sat just between the swell of her breasts. Over my dead body! Before I could say a word, Trip stormed past me and interrupted their little flirt fest. “You’re needed out the back, Haven,” he said tensely, glaring at the cowboy. “I’m a little busy here, Trip. It’ll

have to wait a minute,” she replied, not even looking at him but still smiling at the jackass who wasn’t getting the memo. “Company policy. We don’t date customers,” he ground through his teeth. "Or douche bags," I muttered, earning myself a frigid glare from Haven. “It’s also company policy not to knock up your coworkers. No offence to Teeny but don’t be a jackass. I can ‘date’ anyone I please. Did she just fuckin’ air quote? “Like hell.” Trip was in such a

mood, it wasn’t smart for anyone to poke the cranky beast, but she was Haven, and that was what Haven liked to do. “Dylan, I’d love to go to dinner with you. “ She smiled brightly at the moron. “How’s tomorrow night at eight?” Trip fumed beside her while I ground my teeth and Teeny sat on the sofa watching on like there was a blockbuster movie playing out. “It’s a date, darlin’,” Dylan drawled, handing her one of the same business cards he’d given me earlier in the day. “Call me later.” With that, he turned around and slithered out the door like a snake.

Trip chose that moment to blow his top, yelling like his daughter had just told him she wasn’t a virgin anymore. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Are you kidding me?” Trip’s voice bounced off the walls, sounding furious. The front door swung open and in walked Mace followed by Scarlett. Scarlett looked around and strolled over to take a seat beside Teeny while Mace stood statue, still staring through me. “What the fuck is going on here?” he boomed. The entire room went silent. This

was a position I didn’t want to be in. The middle of World War Three. “I was just leaving. Trip will fill you in, but I’ll be by later. We need to talk.” I started toward the door, feigning strength because I knew Mace could very well lay my ass out on the lobby floor. “Damn straight you were just leaving. Don’t let me see your sorry ass in here again.” Mace’s arms crossed his chest and he moved to the side so I could pass. His shoulder knocked mine as I pushed through the door. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought.

Haven “Dammit!” I cursed, reaching for another cotton ball. I flicked my eyes over to the clock on the wall 7.40 pm. I was going to be late for my date with Dylan if I didn’t get my backside moving. I’d messed my eyeliner up three times already. Releasing a long, steady breath, I tried to stop my hand from shaking. I told myself it was nerves and not another attack. I had been doing fairly well not having problems with that for a little while. I decided it was definitely nerves. Why the hell was I so nervous all of a sudden? I felt like I was doing something wrong. I sighed in frustration. I knew I was doing

something wrong. I was going out with another man to spite the one I was in love with. I should have canceled, call Dylan and tell him I couldn’t go, but then I remembered the way Jude had passed right over me. He gave up. He was a coward who’d all but told me I wasn’t worth the hassle of standing up to my brothers. Screw Jude and his bullshit! I slammed the eyeliner pencil down on my bathroom vanity and stormed toward the front door, snatching up my black clutch as I went. Shoving my keys into my bag after I locked my door, I made quick work of the dimly lit stairwell that led down to the lobby from

my fourth-floor apartment. It wasn’t anything fancy but it was a clean place to rest my head at night. Lucky for me, the bar I was meeting Dylan at was right across the road from my apartment. I breezed inside and stopped at the bar. I’d not even finished ordering my drink when I felt a warm body close behind mine. I turned my head slightly to find a well-dressed cowboy in jeans, a nice button-up shirt with his sleeves rolled midway up his forearms, topped off with a beaming smile that showed off his stark white teeth. He lifted his black “Evenin’, pretty lady.”

Stetson.

The way his words rolled off his tongue had my nerves settle some. He was definitely charming and that charm would make it so much easier to forget about everything else and just enjoy his company. “Well, hi again.” I smiled. “Twice in one day makes me a lucky girl.” “Pretty certain I’m the lucky one here, sugar.” He placed one hand on my lower back and maneuvered in to lean over the bar, ordering a beer for himself just as my Long Island Iced Tea slid in front of me. "This is a pretty small town. I've

never seen you before. Where have you been hiding?" I asked him curiously he seemed somewhat reluctant to answer, but I just put that down to being shy, so pressed on. " So, tell me about yourself. What brings you to town. No offense, but you kinda stick out like a sore thumb." I peered at Dylan through my lashes, shyness a new feeling I wasn’t used to My hand absently curled my hair behind my ear. He chuckled. "Am I that obvious? Here I thought I fit in pretty darn well." He took a swig of his beer, and watched me as I in turn sucked my drink dry.

Whoa, slow down, Haven. "Yeah, you fit in just fine." I smiled. "Everyone wears cowboy hats, big buckles, and boots." I stirred my straw, clinking the ice cubes around in the glass. My smile broadened. "I like it though. You’re refreshing, and I like the hat." He flashed his perfect pearly whites, pretending to tip the hat that wasn't even on his head. Such a gentleman. "Well, I'm looking to start fresh. This place seems as good as any. And

you, sugar, are a like a tall glass of water. Do you even realize how beautiful you are?" His voice lowered and his eyes darkened. I felt heat creep into my cheeks. Was I blushing? Nah, it was the tea. Gotta be the tea. "Way to change the subject, handsome." A warm flutter appeared in my belly. Damn, I was flirting. Jude doesn't want you. No harm, no foul. My stomach knotted and I looked at my empty glass, fretting whether I should

lie my ass off and brush over my situation, or just be honest with him. Dylan mimicked me and took a swig of his beer, then stole the choice out of my hands. “The guy at the shop? He an ex or something?” he asked, picking at the label of his beer absentmindedly. “Oh, no. that big brute was my brother, Trip. He’s not so keen on my seeing people, the protective brother thing. I’m really sorry he tried to intimidate you,” I apologized, leaning over and placing my hand on his arm. Dylan smiled and pressed for more information. “The other one who was

looking at you like you were his. He wasn’t your brother.” “Umm, well. No. I… it’s hard to explain.” I stumbled over my words unsure how to tell him about Jude. “I got time, sugar. I’m not in a hurry to be going anywhere. “Dylan looked over my shoulder and brought his head closer to my ear. As he spoke quietly, his hot breath brushed over my neck and sent a pleasant warmth though me. “There’s a table over there. Care to sit?” We made our way to the vacant seat, and without a thought, Dylan pulled my chair out, waited until I was sitting, and pushed it in. A sweet gesture I’d

never encountered before. The boys I knew were rough and possessive, hot and heavy. Dylan was sweet, thoughtful and quite gentlemanly. I had to admit, it was different, and not in a bad way. He signaled the waitress for another round. "Are you hungry?" He winked, insinuating it could've been more than just food on his mind. "Actually, yes. They have some great small plates here. And their burgers aren't half bad either." Damn, he’d distracted me again. I didn't know if I should be put off by the fact that we'd been sitting together

just bullshitting for almost twenty minutes, and he had yet to even tell me the name of the town he was from. Pushing my insecurities that all men were scum aside, I tried a different approach. "Okay, let's play a game." I held up my hand this time, letting the bartender know I wanted a bottle of tequila and two shot glasses. "For every question asked, you have to answer truthfully. No matter how simple or complex. If you don't answer, you take a shot." I flashed him my sweetest smile and sat back in my chair. A shadowed look passed over Dylan's features before his eyes crinkled

and his lips widened into a devilish grin. "All right, honey, game on. But know this, I can hold my liquor and I have nothing to hide." My expression matched his. "You have no idea what you just signed on for, cowboy." The waitress set everything on the table, pausing to check out the sexy man sitting across from me. "Hey, can we get two cheeseburgers, medium rare with fries?" I interrupted her stare-fest and shot a wink back at Dylan. "Hope you're not a vegetarian."

The laughter that burst from his chest was deep. Like a warm blanket wrapped around me in the dead of winter, I leaned into the sound. "Oh, darlin', you don't live in Texas and survive without eating meat." His voice full of humor, his eyes danced with amusement at my half-assed attempt to keep the attention off him from Miss Doe-Eyes. He may be a rebound, but I still didn't share. Dylan poured two shots after the waitress disappeared and pushed one closer to me. "Ladies first."

I looked into his hazel eyes, my mind turning over what to ask first. Simple. Start small. He may not have anything to hide, but I did. "Okay, how old are you?" "29. That was too easy. Maybe I should be worried." He still hadn't lost that gleam in his eyes. It made me… I paused on the thought. I had no idea what it made me. "How old are you?" he mimicked, teasingly. "Old enough" I smirked at him. “Didn’t your mamma ever tell you it’s rude to ask a woman’s age?” I smiled and leaned forward a little, giving him a

teasing view of my cleavage. Shit. That Long Island Iced Tea was a little stronger than I thought. Too much, Haven, too fucking much. I grabbed my shot and threw it back. I hoped it would get the point across that I wasn't planning to elaborate. "Next question. What do you do?" I poured more tequila into my glass, filling it to the brim. "Well, I’m in construction. I build fences, pools and patios. It's nothing crazy but it's honest work and the pay is good." He almost seemed bashful when he told me about his job, his hair

sticking up where he had just ran his fingers through it. Was he nervous? "I guess I need to think of something better to ask you. I already know where you work." His smile was back, like he had just thought of the million-dollar question. My eyes scanned his features. My mind raced as I skittered through possible answers I was willing to give. Damn. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. "Do you have any other siblings? I mean, I met the one guy. Trip? Any others?"

My hand rested around the base of the shot glass, prepared to shoot the liquor swirling around inside. Easy one, yes. I leaned back and looked at his curious expression. "I have two big brothers, Trip, whom you've met, and Mace. His wife, Scarlett, owns the tattoo parlor you were in today. I also have an older sister Milla. She moved away a little while ago.” I thought about elaborating a little more. Family was a safe subject… mostly. "Mace is the oldest, then Trip, then Milla, and I’m the youngest. It's difficult for them to let go when it comes

to me." I grinned. "I think they forget I'm not seven anymore." His eyes sparkled at my words. "It's quite all right. I'm sure I'd be the same way with my baby sister if some out-of-towner came strolling in from God knows where and hit on her. You weren't too hard on them, huh?" I giggled at his question. Oh, my God, I'm fucking giggling. "I'm nothing but hard on them. It still doesn't change them being meatheaded assholes and keep them from butting into my life." I sighed. "But that's for another night. I don't want to talk

about my overbearing older brothers." I placed my elbows on the table and clasped my hands under my chin. "You have any siblings? What about your parents?" He mirrored my position. "Only child." His eyes skated left and back to mine. "Mom and Dad are happily married for forty-five years. Good ol' Country boy from Texas." "So what brings you here?" I added. “I was passing through when I had to stop and have my truck looked at for new tires. I just happened to be lucky

enough to see you that day. After that, I decided since I had nowhere else to be right now, I’d stick around.” His answer evoked a tingling in my body; one I hadn’t felt in quite some time. “Sweet talker. I bet you say that to all the girls.” My tone light and completely out of character for me. He looked almost sheepish. “Nah, I’m not typically that forward. There’s just something about you, Haven. I saw your face that day and it was an expression I have seen in my own mirror a few times.” His hands went through his hair again. “It made me want to meet the woman behind the mask. And don’t even act like you don’t know what I’m talking

about. That guy—you know the one who thinks he owns you?—I’m willing to bet my right arm he has something to do with it.” Fuck, he’s observant. I foolishly thought I had the upper hand. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably and hoped he dropped it—or at least our food would arrive. Too many more shots and I was done for. “Yeah, well, we aren’t anything, and I’m here with you.” I plastered on a smile. Sitting up a little straighter, I reached across the table to rest my hand on his. “Okay, so we’ve established you are pretty much perfect,” I said on a smirk. “You drive a badass truck, you

wear boots and a cowboy hat, and you stuck around just to get to know little ol’ me. Well, cowboy, I’d say you are just what I’ve been looking for.” His eyes widen with surprise and he turns his palm up to interlace his fingers with mine. “No, Haven, I think you are just what I’ve been looking for.”

Jude “Boys!” I yelled from the bottom of the staircase. “Move your backsides or we’ll be late for Mima’s” Grabbing the bags of food and stepping over their backpacks, I made my way to the front door only to be bombarded with noise and little feet. “Dad?” Jordan piped up while he slipped his bag on his back. “Will Haven be there?” I groaned internally. The boys hadn’t seen Haven in almost two months. Hell, I hadn’t had seen much of her in the last four weeks. Not since that

douchebag came into the parlor and pulled the moves on her. I promised she was off limits and I would stick to my word. It had been rough on them but they didn’t need to be confused any more than they already were. I needed to think about what was best for everyone and that meant letting her go. It wasn’t easy, but it had to be done. I had kids to worry about. My feelings and hers come second to that and the situation wasn’t going to be helpful to anyone. I hated that they missed her though. She was such a big part of their lives for so long. My fists clenched—bastard. Because of h i m , she finally seemed happy. I had seen her a few times in town on his arm. She was smiling; she

looked light. I wondered if she was fucking him yet. I wouldn’t put it past the asshole to push her for sex…I just hoped she was smart enough to say no. Goddamn it. Who was I kidding? He was everything I wasn’t. And he was available. He wasn’t hiding their relationship. He damn well had better be treating her like the angel she was or I’d — Oh, for fuck’s sake! I needed to push Haven out of my mind. For good. I looked at my boy, “I dunno,

buddy. I don’t think so,” I told him as he shoved his feet into his sneakers. Haven used to babysit for the boys. From the time they were about six, she would come in once or twice a week and watch them while I went out with the guys or to run errands. She was young… just a kid. Until that one night I saw her for who she really was. She had big secrets the family didn’t know about. Nobody but the two of us were aware of her past, but I would still never let it be known just how Haven and I became close. They were her demons to hold. “Haven.” I groaned low in my throat. “You’re playing with fire, honey.”

“I know,” she replied huskily, causing my half-hard dick to jump up to full attention. Her voice and the way her tongue darted out to touch the middle of her top lip was driving me crazy. All I could think about was what she’d taste like. What it’d feel like for my cock to pass between her soft, red pouty lips. Her tongue slid back into her mouth and she bit down on her bottom lip. That was about all I could take. It was as if a rubber band snapped and I lunged forward, grabbing her tiny frame in my large hands. Pulling her as close to my body as possible, I brought my head down and kissed her like I was a starving man.

“Dad!” Jax’s voice dragged me from my memories. I cleared my throat and shook off the hindering memories as I shuffled the boys out to my truck and loaded up, trying my best to stay focused on the present and why I’d made the choice I had. Listening to the boys chatter in the back seat just made me melancholy. The last time I’d packed us up for a family day at their pseudo grandmother’s place, Haven had been with us. The boys had been talking trash at each other in the background completely distracted, and I’d reached my hand over just enough to make contact with her fingertips. It was as much contact as I could afford to make with two curious boys in the car

with us. We’d been a secret from the start and it had to stay that way. Too many people would have been hurt if we’d come straight out with it and it went bad. And I’d been right. When it finally came out, it’d been a catastrophe. I guessed things would have to be as they were. All this time, it had been just me and them, since their mother had skipped out on them when they were just a few months’ old. It was obvious by how things panned out, Haven and I weren’t meant to be. I’d done the best I could with my boys, going on ten years now, and they were my top priority. Despite their opposite temperaments, they both wanted the same thing—a momma-type figure. All I could offer

them was the stability of a father who loved them more than anything. If that meant I did it alone, so be it.

“Boys! Slow down.” I didn’t even have the truck in park before they were climbing out and racing for the front door. Every month since I could remember, I was expected to be at Haven’s parents’ house for their gettogethers, a barbeque, swimming, and general catch-ups. This one, however, I wasn’t looking forward to, not only had I not spoken to Mace yet, since he was

avoiding me like the plague, but Haven might just be here too. I sluggishly moved to collect the cooler and swimming bags from the truck, biding as much time as possible before facing the family, namely Mace. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I stepped back from the truck and closed my door, turning around and steeling myself for what came next. Mace folded his arms across his chest and stood staring as if he was a bouncer. “The boys can stay but you get gone. Pick them up later,” he commanded with hostility. “For crying out loud, Mace. I’ve known you forever, enough already.” I

stood my ground. It was time he heard me out. This was the longest we’d ever gone without speaking. “I don’t got shit to say to you, “ he growled. “You were my brother!” “I’ve known you boys since we were knee high to a grasshopper.” I remembered the day I met them as if it was yesterday. Five-year-old Trip had been sitting in the park with dirty knees and tears in his eyes after a bigger kid had pushed him off his bicycle and stolen it. I knew exactly who the bully was too. He’d been picking on people half his size for as long as he’d lived in town.

Something about Trip’s sad eyes and distraught face made me snap. Without explaining, I turned on my heel, stormed off to the exact spot the bully hung out at and showed him what it was like to be on the receiving end of a few well-placed fists. I didn’t even feel badly for him when he pissed his pants. Needless to say, he never picked on another kid again. When I showed up back at the park with Trip’s bike, Mace, his older brother, was kneeling down in front of him with Trip’s face in his hands, trying as best he could to console him. I handed the bike off to a then beaming Trip, whose expression had transformed to one of wonder and glee. I turned to Mace and nodded. It

was one of those moments in life where you didn’t know it at the time, but you’d be forever changed. Mace had put his hand out in a simple gesture and I shook it firmly. It was something I’d never had before, respect. I was the outcast of town. When you had a drug addict, alcoholic for a father who regularly beat on you and your mother, people tended to shy away from you. Especially when I looked the way I did. Shaved head, rough clothes, beaten-up boots and bruises with the occasional split lip, I looked like trouble, so folks just ignored me. Mace however didn’t. He shook my hand and stared at me with nothing but admiration, regardless of

the dried blood of the bully marking my busted-up knuckles. It was a foreign feeling. I let go of his hand tipped my head and walked back to my momma’s trailer. The next day, Mace had shown up with a big pot of food that looked and smelled like the best beef stew I’d ever seen, claiming his ma had sent him with it to say thank you. I’d stood in the crack of the doorway praying to God he couldn’t see my daddy passed out on the small sofa, vomit crusting his mouth, urine stain on his jeans and a needle hanging out his arm. It took me a while to reach out and grab the pot, and when I did, Mace smiled and walked in the direction of town.

I looked down at my feet when a black bag caught my attention. After I dragged it inside, I discovered it was full of clothes and shoes. The clothes looked like they’d only ever been worn a few times and the shoes seemed the same. I stared at the bundle of things he’d left there and my pride kicked in. I picked up the bag and threw it in the corner of my room. It wasn’t until a few weeks later when I realized he wasn’t being anything but kind to a stranger that I pulled them out and slipped on a clean cotton t-shirt that didn’t have a single hole in it. The tears in momma’s eyes and the smile that tipped the corners of her

lips when she got home from her second day job, exhausted and greasy, was enough that I decided maybe Mace was the kind of guy I wanted as a friend. I’d never before had friends but he’d done something nobody else had ever bothered to do. He’d put a smile on my momma’s face and that was priceless. Mace and I hadn’t exchanged many words; we just sort of hung out together. Before I knew it, he was my best and only friend. I swore I’d never lose that friendship. We’d been through so many things together. From girls who broke our hearts, to losing his daughter, to me getting my girlfriend knocked up and then her taking off and leaving me and

my boys behind. Mace losing his daddy and me… almost killing mine. We were tight. That was until I went and did the unmentionable and messed around with his little sister. Things were strained. Beyond tense, Mace and I weren’t on speaking terms and it was clear where Trip stood on the matter. Ma though, she just looked at me with those sad eyes every time I saw her, now. It killed me not knowing what was going through her head. She’d been a surrogate mother to me for as long as I’d known her sons. “I get that you’re hurt, Mace, but stop and look at the situation for a minute. There’s a lot more to it that isn’t

for me to talk about, but you know me. You’ve known me since I was a kid, dude, and I’m still the same fucking person.” I was as sincere as I could be, but I wasn’t about to get into feelings, because unlike Trip, Mace didn’t work like that. He was all about unspoken truths and quiet respect. “I wasn’t looking to fuck shit up and you know that’s true.” “I thought I did know you, but you fucked that up the minute you set eyes on Haven. You always knew she was off limits, Jude. You were supposed to protect her from assholes like us.” He uncrossed his arms and turned his back to me, then began walking toward the house.

I opened my mouth to speak again because I sure as hell wasn’t letting this go when Mace stopped at the bottom step and said sternly over his shoulder. “You come in, but you still stay the fuck away from me. I miss the boys and if it wasn’t for them, I would have beat you so badly you wouldn’t be moving.” I considered reminding him I could give as good as I got, but thought it best not to push too far. “Jude, honey!” Marcy cried out, rushing toward me with her arms out, dishtowel in one hand. “Hey, Ma,” I replied, bringing her in for a big bear hug. She was short and

seemed sweet, but if you got on the wrong side of her, Lord have mercy on your soul. I’d once witnessed Trip back talk her when he was a teenager, and by God, I don’t know how he managed to walk for the next week. She served him the spanking he deserved and he never once did it again. “I missed you and the boys last month.” She pulled back searching my face and frowned at me. “Is everything okay, boy?” Marcy was quick to pick up anything that was awash. Luckily for me, Haven took that moment to walk in the door. I squeezed my eyes shut and blinked a few more times. Fuck me. She brought him.

Right behind Haven in her peachcolored sundress was none other the douchebag McFuckstick. He said hello and tipped his hat, charming the pants off everybody with the exception of me. I hated him. I hated him not for who he was, but for being with Haven. He could have been the nicest guy in the world and I’d still hate him with a fiery vengeance. I quietly slipped out of the room behind everyone who’d gathered to see the new guy and made a beeline for the beer. Too bad there wasn’t anything stronger. “Boys, slow down!” I hollered at

Jaxson and Jordan who were running around the outside of the pool with water pistols. “Yes, Dad,” they called back in unison. I turned back to Trip who had baby Javerio on his hip, throwing a tantrum of epic proportions. Trip looked completely frustrated at not being able to settle him, his eyes searching around for Teeny. “Here, pass him over,” I suggested, holding out my arms. “He’s definitely got a set of lungs on him.” I laughed, taking the little chubby critter from him and putting my beer down on the table beside us.

“He’s teething and no matter what I do, he just keeps screaming,” Trip grumbled, his forehead creased in defeat. “Teeny’s exhausted from him being up at night and I can’t fix it.” “I know how it is. The boys were sometimes the same. The amount of times I called your mom because they didn’t want me was sad. Sometimes, Dad just doesn’t cut it.” I laid Javerio against my chest so he could hear my heartbeat and rocked back and forth. Within seconds, he stopped crying and jammed his little fat fist into his mouth. “Go, find your wife. I’ve got him.” Trip’s face lost all signs of worry and his shoulders relaxed.

“I owe you. Thanks, bud.” He grabbed a cold beer and wandered off to find Teeny while I rocked back and forth with the cute little boy in my arms. I had to admit, I missed the twins being this small. I flicked my eyes over to the pool to check on them and then went on my mission to find Javerio’s diaper bag. Wandering through the family room, I spotted that black studded bag with all sorts of rattles hanging from the straps. Javi decided that moment was perfect to let me know he wasn’t having what I was offering any more. His hands no longer a sufficient pacifier. “Hold tight, little man. Food’s comin’,” I cooed at him while grabbing

his bottle and heading toward the kitchen. Twenty-five seconds was a long time when you had an infant screaming bloody-murder over a meal. “Almost done, bud. Shh-shh, I got you.” I continued to bounce him in my arms while watching the numbers drop on the microwave. “Always demanding like his daddy,” Scarlett said from behind me. I turned my head and nodded at her. “The boys in that family always have been,” I retorted. Scarlett moved in and held her arms up taking the fussy little infant, laying a kiss on his forehead.

“Yeah, you’re right. Your family is pretty demanding.” She smiled down at Javerio and then looked me straight in the eyes, seeing straight through me like only Scarlett could do to people. “He misses you. It’s killing him and it’s hard for me to watch.” “I… I don’t know what to say, Scar. I tried to fix it. I never wanted to hurt anyone.” I looked down at my hands, concentrating far too hard on screwing the cap onto the baby bottle. “He knows you’re sorry. He also knows you wouldn’t intentionally mess with his sister. But he’s going to take a while to come around. I think he’s more

upset that you didn’t tell him first and he had to find out the way he did.” She handed Javerio back to me and placed her hand on my arm. “For what it’s worth, I know you love her. Everything will work out, but, Jude, if you can’t live without her… don’t stop fighting for her.” “I wish it was that easy, Scar,” I answered with a frown. Javerio started squirming again, reminding me he wasn’t interested in our conversation and just wanted his food. I looked down and pushed the teat into his mouth. Scarlett walked off with a sigh and left us to our business. “Don’t ever fall in love, little dude.

It’s something like torture.” He blinked once and stared at me with his big blue eyes, so innocent, so untouched by the cruel world around him. This had to be my favorite age. They were so pure, so unaware of all the trials of what was ahead of them, with no clue how badly loving somebody could hurt. I slowly ascended the stairs to the spare bedroom where his Pack ’n Play had been set up. I sat on the bed beside it and mulled over what Scarlett had said. Fight for her. I wish I could fight for her. I’d give up my last breath for that girl, but her secrets still haunted her and I couldn’t

look my best friends in the eye everyday knowing they hated us for loving each other. Before I knew it, there was a sleeping baby in my arms and an almost empty bottle slipping from his tiny lips. I stood and placed Javerio down in his crib. Leaning over, I turned the baby monitor on and grabbed the portable handset. I wanted to get back downstairs to the rest of the family, especially since it felt like I was on borrowed time after what happened with Hav— "Haven, shit!" I grabbed her waist to keep her from toppling backward down the stairs. Her startled gasp told me I was the last person she was planning on literally running in to. "Fuck, I’m sorry,” I

mumbled, distracted by how she felt in my hands. Electricity instantly overtook me and all my senses jumped to life. Her pink flushed cheeks told me she was flustered. “I ah—” I dropped my hands quickly and stepped back. “Sorry.” I ducked past her and all but ran down the stairs two at a time. I could still feel the light touch of her skin as I headed toward the back doors and thought back to the last time I touched her. The gasp, which escaped her lips, also reminded me of when a similar sound had escaped in the throws of ecstasy. Fuck!

Just the memory alone was enough for me to do just as Scarlett suggested and fight for her. The hard-on currently growing in my pants deflated in an instant when I heard the cry of Jaxson. I picked up my stride and headed toward the wailing, only to stop short when I saw my son in the arms of Dylan. A red haze clouded my vision and my heart picked up its speed. Haven ran past me, gathering my crying son in her arms, asking the questions I should’ve been asking. "My knee," he cried. "I fell!" She cooed and coddled him before

disappearing into the kitchen with promises of Band-Aids and sweets. Once they were safely out of earshot, the fury racing through my veins exploded. “What the fucking hell do you think you’re doing with my boy?” I pulled in another heavy breath and let it out, feeling the veins in my head ready to burst. “You might have snaked your way into Haven’s good graces, but I won’t be fooled so easily, rich boy. That’s my son. Don’t for a second think you can play house with him. They’re off limits to you.” His lack of reaction spurred on my anger. The bastard just stood before

me like I was singing a song of praise rather than reaming him out. “You hear me, asshole? She was mine long before you got your hands on her and she’ll continue to be mine whether it’s my hands on her or not.” Dylan’s jaw ticked slightly and I knew I had him. He didn’t want to think about me touching her anymore than I liked him being near her. “You listen and you listen good, ‘cause I’ll only say this once. My kids are not your toys, so long as you’re fooling her, you keep as far the fuck away from me and mine as you possibly can. You don’t breathe in my direction, or theirs.” I glared and finished on a

bark. “You hear me?” “Sure, Jude. You might want to go check on your son though. His knee is pretty scraped up.” The moment his words registered, my red haze turned into boiling lava. I reacted on instinct, my body on autopilot. Pulling my fist back, I let it go. The thump when it connected with his nose was loud in the otherwise quiet room. My knuckles protested and blood ran down his face, splattering over my hand. “You’re one dumb bastard.” I snarled. Dylan turned his face back to me and pulled his hand up to his bloody nose.

“The fuck are you doing?” Mace’s voice boomed from the doorway. “Jude, outside now.” Right at that moment, Haven walked into the room, followed by Jaxson. “Dylan!” she cried, running to his side. “What is wrong with you, Jude?” She turned to look at me with disappointment and confusion marring her pretty face. “Outside,” Mace said in a deathly stoic voice, reminding me for the last time I was sure. “Jax, go ahead outside with Mima for a bit, buddy,” Jude soothed his son. He looked confused and a little scared

with all the commotion. The last thing I wanted was for him to be upset by my stupid actions. I hadn’t even thought twice about decking that asshole when he’d insinuated I wasn’t concerned with being a good father. The truth hurts sometimes and he’d called it straight on me being a selfish prick. The blood roared in my ears once again as I watched Jaxson wander out the sliding glass door, before I followed Mace out the front away from everyone. I hadn’t even descended the steps before he was on me like white on rice. “You hit your head or something?’ Mace crossed his arms over his chest.

“He’s a jackass. I—” “You’re being a jackass. I told you no bullshit. You want Ma to come in and whoop your ass?” He cleared his throat. “You know damn well what she’d have done if she caught you fighting in her house.” I dropped my head slightly. Ma didn’t deserve disrespect and that was what I’d done, regardless of that douche deserving it or not. I raised my head and threw my angriest glare directly at Mace. “He’s not good enough for her. He doesn’t deserve her and he’s a cocky son of a bitch. You gonna stand there and tell me she should be bringing that fuckstick in here?”

“I don’t give a good god damn if you think he’s not good enough. I don’t either, but I’ll sort that out myself, and you will keep your bullshit testosterone in check while we’re here, asshole!” Mace gave me no option to argue, turning his back and storming back inside. I hung around the front of the house for another few minutes before I headed inside and collected up the kids and our stuff. With much argument the boys, they finally made their way to the truck and we waved as I pulled out of the driveway and headed home.

Haven “I’m so sorry, Dylan,” I apologized again. “I should have known he’d pull something stupid.” “Stop, sugar.” He reached over and grabbed my hand, holding it in his. “You don’t apologize for that. I’m alright. He got it off his chest. It’s fine. “ “How’d I manage to find the world’s sweetest guy?” I sighed, lifting my feet up underneath my legs on the passenger seat. I reached in the glove box and grabbed a napkin. "Your nose is still bleeding." I reached across the console to wipe his face. "Are you sure

you're okay? Should we go to the hospital?" "Nah. I'm good. Nothing a little TLC from a beautiful woman can't fix." He looked over at me from the corner of his eye, a slight twinkle to go along with his smile. It caused a stirring in my belly that I never thought I'd feel again. Butterflies? "You know, we didn't get to eat much. Are you hungry?" Dylan kept both eyes on the road, his hand reaching up to mine, taking the napkin and finishing the job of cleanup. "I'm not too hungry, but I could

definitely use a drink." As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. The last thing I needed was a drink… drinking lead to other cravings I’d rather not have. "Okay, sugar. Point me in the right direction. I could probably use one too." He smiled out the windshield. "Maybe we could work our way up to a full meal." There was a hint of humor in his tone. I couldn't believe he actually wanted to hang around after how awfully he was treated. "Yeah." I looked away, suddenly feeling shy. I had thought shy was a thing

of the past for me, Dylan and I had been seeing each other for a while and we’d gotten to know each other quite well. Well enough that I’d taken him home with me at least. "I would like that very much." We drove in companionable silence, a mellow look of tranquility on Dylan's face as we made our way to the closest bar possible. He had reached over toward me, as if he were afraid I would disappear if he wasn't touching some part of me. His hand was warm and soft as it enclosed mine. He’d romanced me with dates, and gorgeous surprise lunches, picnics and sweet moments of handholding, but for whatever reason, we hadn’t advanced

past that. At first, it was him putting the breaks on us sleeping together; now it was me. I hadn’t pinpointed what was holding me back, but it certainly wasn’t him. He’d done all the things a gentleman could, yet here we were, still courting as such. "What are you thinking about, Haven?" His velvety voice washed over me, warming me like a soft blanket. "Nothing really, just about today." I didn't elaborate about what exactly. "You don't have to share if you don't want to. I understand the need to keep some things to yourself." Dylan's voice trailed off as if he were in a deep

thought of his own. "We all have secrets, sugar. Maybe one day, we can share with each other.” Unease flickered through me at his words. A moment’s unease that he may be hiding something sparked my fight or flight instincts, but I squashed it just as quickly. Who was I to judge? I had the worst secrets of them all. "Yeah, maybe." That was all I could say. I couldn't bear to look into his eyes and tell him about my demons. My secrets … the ones only Jude knew about. There was no way anything he could be hiding from me or the rest of the world could change how I felt about him in that moment.

I was starting to fall for Dylan— sweet, soft, gentle, Dylan. I could see my life flashing before me; a life with this cowboy and his southern drawl, calling me sugar, and kissing my neck while taking our child and handling daddyduty. What. The. Fuck? I cleared my throat, my emotions running rampant and causing my body to react. We pulled into the parking lot of Jimmy’s bar, and not a moment’s too soon, as with my heated fantasies, I’d considered leaning over and having my

way with him while he was trapped behind the wheel. Once parked, Dylan cut the engine. He hopped out of the driver’s seat and made his way to my side of the truck. Opening my door, he held his hand out to me. "Your drink awaits, my lady." A dazzling smile played on his lips as I placed my fingers against his wrist. "Thank you, kind sir." I played along, hopping down from the passenger side gasping slightly as he pulled me close to his body and sliding me against him until my feet touched the gravel below. My heart stuttered as I looked up at him, slightly damaged from his earlier fight, but still no less handsome than the

first time I’d met him. Dylan lowered his head to mine and ever so slowly brought his hand up to the back of my head. My breath caught as his lips touched mine, so soft and warm. The butterflies came back in my belly with a vengeance, flapping their tiny wings around as I lost myself in our kiss. I’d never experienced a kiss so sensual and gentle, so sweet and tender before. He stepped back, breaking our embrace just enough to speak. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. It just occurred to me that I don’t want to waste anymore time not kissing you every chance I get.” He swept a curl of hair from my face and dropped his voice. “You’re the sweetest tasting treat I’ve ever had. Prepare

yourself, sugar. I’m gonna take advantage of every opening I can.” He wrapped my hand around his elbow and walked us to the entrance. Opening the heavy amber-colored door, he ushered me in with his hand on the small of my back, never once breaking contact with my body as we made our way into the darkened pub. The jukebox was playing a slow, sultry tune as we walked to the far end of the bar. Dylan leaned down and whispered against my ear. "I know you wanted a drink, but how about we work up a thirst first with a dance?" A shiver traveled down my spine,

his breath a delicious combination of warm and cool. "I'd like that," was all I could say, my breath stolen with the sensation of pure want pulsing through my body. Dylan engulfed my hand in his and wrapped his arm around my waist, turning us toward the makeshift dancefloor. We swayed to the low baseline, and soft rifts that thrummed from the jukebox. The woman’s voice singing about black velvet and little boys smiles. I couldn’t concentrate much on lyrics, my own thoughts burning bright in the forefront to my mind. Dylan broke into my daydream, his breath warm on my cheek. I looked up

into his hazel eyes, my hand resting on his shirt over a strong, defined chest. "You know, I've been waiting what feels like a lifetime to get you this close to my heart. Can you feel it beating out of my chest?" His eyes burned with a fire I didn't recognize, the vein in his neck pulsing at a frenzied pace. I took his hand in my free one and held it over my own racing heart. "You feel that? Your heart matches mine. I've never felt like this. I feel…cherished." I looked deep into his eyes, which were hooded, his expression matching my exact mood. The music all but forgotten as we danced to our own rhythm. I couldn’t remember the last time

Jude made me feel anything like this. With him, it was different. Jude knew all the nitty-gritty of my life, my demons. We never had the romance, the sweepme-off-my-feet-with-sweet-gesturesand-sayings. With Jude, it was raw, unadulterated passion. The smolder Dylan was giving me was nothing but tenderness and love. "You have no idea how even just the look on your face has made me feel. I feel so special and wanted." My breath caught. "Thank you." That was all I could muster before his lips gently caressed mine. His husky voice rubbed along my skin in the most delicious way, "Oh, sugar," he pulled back slightly, his nose brushing mine, "that was the best

compliment any woman has ever paid me." "Well, it's true. I don't know what it is about you, Dylan." My voice came out as a whisper against his warm, smooth jaw. "You make ordinary feel exceptional." He leaned down and kissed me again, this time deeper, as if I were the last woman he was ever going to kiss again. My mouth opened and my heart melted as his fingers stroked my cheek and made their way into my hair. A growl sounded in his chest, my body firmly pressed against his as we swayed to the beat of a song that no longer played. At some point the jukebox had

stopped but I was too wrapped up in this man to notice. "Sugar, you keep kissing me like that, we may never get to that drink." His gasps for air matched mine, neither one of us getting enough oxygen, and honestly, I couldn't care less. I would gladly breathe Dylan all night long. Forever if I could. I swallowed hard, my throat dry and panties wet. "Maybe a drink wouldn't be a bad idea?" It came out as a question; one I wasn't sure I even wanted to ask. I wasn't in any hurry to leave the safety of Dylan's arms. And I knew that if we stopped dancing, the spell of lust we just swirled in might be broken.

He didn't give me a chance to overthink everything, pulling away enough that I missed his warmth and wanted nothing more than to drag him back to my body and coerce him somewhere more private. "Or maybe we should go back to your place?" I sounded unsure and needy all at the same time. "Is that what you want?" His voice gravely and rich, I could tell he was just as affected as I was. "Yes," I breathed. "Take me… home. To your house." We skipped the drinks altogether.

Obviously, there was something much better on the menu for the evening. Dylan wrapped me tighter in his embrace and sighed into my neck, his lips grazing the tender flesh under my ear. "I can't promise you much, sugar, but I can promise you this. Tonight, I will be everything you need and all you never knew you wanted." His body felt tight, like he was holding something back, and the hardness in his jeans wasn't it. He straightened his frame and took in my expression. I smiled and lifted onto my toes, wrapping my arms around his neck and

feeling his hands settle at my hips. "I look forward to more than just tonight, Mr. Dylan Highsmith. And I can certainly promise you, after we do this, you will too." I gently brushed my lips across his chin. "Let's go, I want to experience everything I've been missing." His chuckle melted across my enflamed cheeks, causing goose bumps on my lust-saturated skin. "Sugar, you're gonna be the sweetest part of every memory I have." He let go of me and removed my hands from his neck, kissing each knuckle once before leading me back the way we came.

We never even sat down, but it didn't matter. Jimmy knew from the moment we stepped foot in his establishment, I wouldn't be drinking anything but water anyway. At least I was saved from explaining something I wasn't ready to yet. The car ride was just as silent as before, but this time, the undercurrent of sex wafted through the cabin of Dylan's truck. I could feel the depth of his stare as we passed street after street. My thighs scissored back forth, the anticipation of his heated promises playing tricks with every intimate part of me. Visions of the possible things we’d do to each other ran through my mind,

giving me the most delicious visions. He cleared his throat. "Here we are, sugar." He reached across to steady my leg. "We don't have to do anything you aren't ready for." His look sincere and open, made me question his earlier remark about secrets. I swallowed and found my voice. It sounded foreign, like I was a different woman when I was with him. Softer some how, vulnerable even. "No—I mean, yes." I fumbled with my words. "I want this. I want you." My lips curved upward, my hand covering his and giving a slight squeeze. "C'mon, cowboy, let's see if you can rope in this wild girl."

I allowed a laugh to escape as I surveyed the slight shock on his face. He quickly masked it with hooded eyes and a smirk of his own. "I don't know about rope, but I may have a pair of spurs." I laughed again, but this time it was more in shock. The seriousness of his tone made it funny and erotic all at the same time. I didn’t have time to respond to his sexy little joke because Dylan turned quickly, as if he were on fire, and jumped out of the truck. He rushed around to my side of the cab. I was still smiling when he opened the door. "Sorry," he muttered as he helped me

down, my shoe catching on the side-rail. "Watch your step, sugar." I looked at him quizzically. "What are you apologizing for?" I watched his face change, like he suddenly realized he said it aloud. "Oh, nothing." He shrugged, feigning nonchalance as we walked up the pathway to his brick apartment complex. It was an odd comment, considering we were about to get it on, but one he didn’t feel the need to explain. I let it go, other matters at the forefront of my mind. I bumped his shoulder, side-

glancing his direction with my demure smile in place. "You know, I won't tell anyone if you are into kinky shit." I casually commented as he unlocked the door. "Who knows, maybe it will be fun. I’ve never used spurs before." I winked and watched for his reaction, bouncing on the balls of my feet in anticipation. His look was priceless as he opened the door to the sparsely furnished living room. "No, I was just… it was a joke." He ran his hands through his short hair and looked at me through lowered lashes. "I just wanted to hear you laugh. You have a beautiful laugh, Haven. The sound is like Heaven on Earth to me." His voice was low and unsure.

Closing the door behind us, he continued. "If I could catch that sound and have it be the only thing I heard for the rest of my life, it wouldn't be enough." He sighed, his face resigned. "I don't know if you—" he paused, his hand coming to rest on my cheek. "I don't know if I'll ever get enough of you. Any part of you, all of you." His eyes held both sadness and peace. I wanted to take it away and bask in it all at the same time. At a loss for words, I did the best I could think of. I leaned forward and kissed him. I don't know if I caught him by surprise because at first he froze. I started to pull away but his arms came

around my middle, locking me to him. His mouth blazing against mine, our tongues swirling in a passionate dance all of their own. I started to pull away. The room seemed to close in on us and I couldn’t breathe. Slow down, Haven. "Don't stop, sugar," were the only words he managed to say before taking my mouth again. This time, more fluid, as if we could drift off into the night sky at any moment. His gentler approach soothed my overactive mind and quieted my racing heart.

We became a figure of two adjoined into one. It felt as if his soul touched mine, entwining us in more than just body. His breath was warm, buttery like whiskey but tasted fresh like mint, I wanted to devour him. His hands swept into my hair, I could feel his fingers running along my ebony tresses, “Your hair feels like black velvet, sugar. And it smells like raspberries and vanilla.” He inhaled deep and resumed his mouth on mine, his exhale into my mouth like oxygen I was starving for. I looked forward to staying tangled in Dylan's arms. Actually, it was the best idea I could think of. If it weren't for his body being tethered to mine, I would've floated away into bliss by now. His dark

blonde hair, soft and smooth, just grazed his collar. I wanted to play my fingers through the strands that tickled my knuckles. I wanted to feel his skin against mine, kiss him all over and enjoy the ecstasy his lips promised. Oh, who was I kidding? Kissing Dylan was like floating on a cloud. He was feather-light touches, and air-soft sensations. I couldn’t wait to get lost in Dylan Highsmith. "Let me make love to you, Haven." He spoke in a low voice. "Let me show you what flying feels like." "Okay," I whispered against the column of his throat, breathless from the

onslaught of passion tearing its way through my soul. I wanted this man. I wanted him to show me a tenderness I’d never known. And for some reason, I knew it would be just that. Tender. Sweet. Perfect. Just like Dylan. He was everything I never knew I always wanted…and that night, I was one-hundred percent his. Without breaking our kiss, Dylan reached down and wrapped his arm under my knees, cradling me to his chest. His kisses turned feather-soft as he

padded down the hall to what I assume was his room. "Wait here," was all he said as he gently placed me in the center of a massive navy blue bed. It was soft and supple, the material like worn cotton under my fingertips. He left and returned not even a minute later with two votive candles in his hands. I inhaled the scent of the vanilla and sandalwood as the flame flickered over Dylan's features. "Wow." He looked at me with complete awe. "You are beautiful, Haven. I have never seen anyone more so than you." My cheeks heated and my eyes

lowered as I continued to fan my fingers across the cool, smooth linens. "You aren't so bad yourself, cowboy." My voice sounded sultry and soft, it was unlike I’d ever heard it before. With Jude, it had always been rushed. A dirty little secret. Hushed voices, stolen moments, and rough takings. This was going to be a welcomed change. Dylan was everything Jude wasn’t and I was beginning to think my desires were misconstrued. I wanted —no needed to know if this was truly what I was looking for, if Dylan was what I was looking for. I set Jude to the back of my mind and focused on the man who’d spent so

much time wooing me. Dylan deserved to have all of me present with him and I deserved to be in the moment with him. My feelings had been growing and there was no doubt in my mind, I was ready for anything this boy had to give. I patted the space next to me. "Come to bed, Dylan. Show me what I've been missing." I smirked up at him moving my knees open just slightly, giving him a tease of my inner thighs. “Did you bring the spurs?” I jested. He chuckled, “No sugar, no spurs. Just me. Can you handle that?” I could see the challenge in his eyes across the dimmed room. My response was instantaneous, “Oh cowboy, I look very

forward to handling all of you.” He set the candles on the night table, and pulled his shirt over his head. “If the rest of you tastes as sweet as your lips, I look forward to it too, and devouring you ‘til the sun comes up and maybe until it sets again." He lowered his knee to the side of the bed, crawling his way toward the center where I waited. I couldn't help but to reach out to him; my need to feel him was almost instinctual. Hard muscle under soft, smooth skin greeted my hands. My fingertips grazed a small bump and scar on the top left of his chest as I

worked my way down to the hard ridges of his abdomen. It seemed out of place on his otherwise perfectly tanned skin. My brows knitted together in concentration, which he promptly broke as he lowered me toward the plush down pillows, my hair cascading across the midnight fabric like raven’s wings. "Mmmm, you taste amazing, like dessert." His tongue trailed on my stomach as he raised my blouse over my head, his thumbs and forefingers pushing down to pull off my skirt and panties. Each digit skimmed the surface of my thighs as he brought his hands back up the sides of my body. The way he traced my lines felt as if he were trying to

memorize me. It was erotic and sweet, all at the same time. He continued to undress me and explore the peaks and valleys of my body, all the while referring to his favorite delicacies. "Cheesecake… cherry pie…blueberry…chocolate… crème brulee…strawberry ice cream… Goddamn, I could die tomorrow and be completely satisfied," he mumbled into my breast. My giggle turned into a gasp just as he sucked a peaked nipple into his mouth. I let a soft moan escape my lips. Dylan was holding true to his promise at the bar: I was being worshiped. Never in all my life had I felt cherished and

needed like that. I never had the time to feel this way with Jude. This feeling of being cherished was unexpected and exactly what I needed. A lone tear escaped my eye as I succumbed to the feelings Dylan evoked in me. For a moment, I considered if my rush of emotion was what love felt like. The fluttering in my belly and the heat pooling between my legs was exactly what I pictured love to feel like…and Dylan couldn't be more perfect. With his body against mine as he laid on top of me, my legs naturally

wrapped around his waist, wanting nothing more than to be closer to him. "Shhh, relax, sugar. Let me take care of you." His hushed voice was warm against my fever-chilled shoulder. "I need you inside me. Please, Dylan," I begged. I needed to know the connection wasn't all in my head. I wanted to know that when we joined, he felt me as much as I felt him. He lifted up enough to cradle my head in his hands, his eyes questioning. "Are you protected? I have always worn a condom, and I have them…" His voice trailed off before I spoke. His eyes darted off to the nightstand and

flicked back to mine. "I have an IUD, and I haven't been intimate with anyone in a while." I couldn't admit more than that. Even though it was the truth, it felt wrong to be clinical when all I wanted was to feel his skin against mine. "Are you sure? I want this to be everything for you, Haven. You have no idea how much this means to me…" His tone spoke volumes, mirroring my own intensity and need. Even in the midst of lovemaking, he wanted to make sure I was the one taken care of. If I could've swooned, I would've. "Yes. Yes. Please, Dylan. Don't

talk anymore. Just love me." And with my words, he entered me. He was fluid in his movements yet rigid in his stature. He hit every ridge inside my body as he thrust slow and sure, like we had done this a million times before. I knew it wasn’t normal to be this comfortable, but I couldn’t help it. Dylan was sheathed to the hilt only to pull out to the tip and press back in again, it was bliss. Pure paradise on earth. I delighted in every sensation and allowed my mind, body, and soul to just let go. I wanted to feel everything. “Oh, my god, yes. Right there, Dylan.” My words came out in panted sighs. He was inside me, above me, all around me, everywhere and yet I wanted more.

I grabbed his shoulders and craned my neck to get closer to him. I wanted every inch of me touching every inch of him. The connection was undeniable. My very core trembled with an emotion I couldn't place. It was exactly like flying and I never wanted to land. "You feel amazing, Haven, like you were made just for me. I don't know how I never felt this before." Dylan's sweet nothings against my throat had me spiraling on an emotional high, one only comparable to that of a fix. With a drug, came the adrenaline, the rush of feeling and emotion. It would leave me flying and craving more, seeking out that one

perfect rush. One only tantamount to when that needle pierced my skin. When I was shooting up, no matter the concoction, I felt the same thing, ecstasy. "Don't stop, please," I pleaded. Every time he filled me, another piece of my fragile heart joined with his. It was as if he was fucking me into love with him…and maybe he was. Right then, I didn't care. I would fuck Dylan Highsmith into love every night if it made me feel like this. This is what they meant when they said making love… I was positively soaring.

I was completely high off Dylan. It was a feeling I didn’t want to relinquish any time soon. "Sugar, I'm not gonna last much longer. Tell me what you want, what you need." His request sounded far away, but before I could respond, he rolled us over so I was straddled on top of him. My hair fell wild down my back, my hands immediately found the sprinkling of fine hair on Dylan's chest. I ignored the slight imperfection of his scar, my fingers instead exploring lower as I ground my clit against his pelvic bone, creating a friction that would shoot me straight into oblivion.

Dylan reached it before I did. His movements became erratic, his breath in short pants as he met me thrust for thrust. "Oh, oh, my God!" Warmth shot through me from every angle, both into my core and right down to the bottom of my soul. In that moment, I said words aloud that I never thought I'd get to say again… "I love you." I love you? Oh, shit, I’d fallen in love with him. Did he hear me? My head collapsed against his chest, tears hot on my fevered flesh. His breathing was heavy, his body rigid from

our mutual release. I felt his arms wrap around my naked back and I lifted to kiss his lips. This man, this beautiful man just showed me what love was with his entire being. I was captivated by Dylan Highsmith and completely smitten. I kissed him again, my lips salty, as were his. His sweat mixed with my tears, a perfect combination of pain and healing. "Sugar, I have waited my whole life to feel what I feel right now." He smoothed my damp hair away from my face. "I'm falling in love with you…and I'm sorry." He took a deep breath and turned his head. "I'm so fucking sorry." I sat up, stunned by his proclamation, not knowing how to

respond. Did I just hear him correctly? "Sorry?" My voice rose a few octaves. "Sorry for what, exactly?" My heart rate spiked, and not it a good way. Fear laced my next question. "What aren't you telling me, Dylan?" Without waiting for him to answer, I climbed off his body, his cum dripping down my legs as I made my way to the bathroom. “What an asshole! You’re what? Sorry you just fucked me into oblivion?” I growled. “Sorry you’re falling in love with me?” I scoffed. “I must be some other kind of stupid.” Dylan was up off the bed so fast I almost didn't get the door shut. "Haven, wait!" He banged on the door. "Open the

door!" I ignored him and used the toilet. A girl had to clean up if she had no intention of sticking around. At that moment, it was the last place I wanted to be. He's sorry? I just had some of the best sex of my life and he's sorry? How stupid can I be? I rolled my eyes knowing I’d asked myself that question a million too many times. "I'll be out in a… what the fuck is this shit?" My voice trailed off as I took in the entire drug store on Dylan's bathroom counter.

Vials, tourniquet.

pills,

needles,

even

a

My head started to spin, a sense of déjà vu washed over me and I had to grab the doorknob in order to keep upright. "Haven, goddamn it, open the door! It's not what you think!" Dylan hadn't stopped banging on the other side of the barrier that kept his dirty little secret away from me. He had to know it looked exactly how I thought. Dylan was a drug addict. He was a junkie? “Oh, fuck no!” I gasped.

And we just had sex…unprotected sex. “Holy shit!”

Jude Even after cleaning the boys up and unpacking the truck, I couldn’t stop thinking. Thinking about the last few months of my life put me in a fouler mood than I’d been in after my altercation with that jackass boyfriend of hers. I was literally festering from the inside out. I wandered around the house before going upstairs to wash the days grime from myself. Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around my waist and placed my hands on the vanity, bowing my head. “Damn it,” I cursed aloud, my

voice lost in the steam that engulfed the bathroom. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, wiping the fog away with my hand. My eyes were shallow, with circles sitting under my eyes, and my lips were drawn. Losing Haven had taken its toll on me. The man staring back at me was evidence of that. I hardly recognized myself, just a shell of the man I thought I had been. All this time, I’d done what I could to protect the one and only woman I'd ever loved, yet she was in the arms of another man…and it was all my fault. I turned away, not able to look at the pussy staring back at me. "Fuck me." I turned off the light and made my way through to my darkened bedroom. The

blinking of my phone on the nightstand briefly lit up the room. I almost didn't want to even look. It had been a shit-ass day and I couldn't take any more of… anything. I was done with the day. I sat on edge of the bed, and my towel loosened and dropped. Putting my head in my hands, I let out a huff. "Get your shit together, Jude," I mumbled to myself. Fight for her. Scarlett's words echoed in my mind. Fight for her. I pushed off the bed and started to

pace. The towel left discarded on the bed, my dick swaying as my hands combed through my hair. My thoughts were all over the place. Torn between Scarlett's words and Mace's warnings. I grabbed my phone and swiped my thumb across it unlocking the screen. Even the innocent blinking light pissed me off enough to want to throw the stupid thing. Scar: Remember what I said, Jude. You are part of this family, and if you love her, you know what you need to do. Don't let anyone keep you from happiness. I read Scarlett's words over and over, staring dumbly at the text message in front of me. Damn, she was a smart

woman. But I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe I was already too late. Haven chose him over me. The look on her face had said everything she couldn't. I hung my head in shame. I had hurt her all over again. As a result, she was with that schmuck and I was acting like a pussy-ass motherfucker who just had his favorite toy stolen. I tossed my phone back onto the nightstand, grabbed a pair of boxers and set out to check on the boys. I seriously needed a distraction. I peeked into Jaxson and Jordan’s rooms. Both were snoring loudly, their hair matted to their sweaty bed-heads,

each mirroring the other. They were laying on their bellies one leg poking out of the side of their blankets, just the way I slept, too. I couldn't help but smile. Damn, I loved them. I closed the door most of the way, leaving it cracked so the hall light shone into their cavernous space. Making my way down the stairs, I headed directly to the kitchen, and straight to the cabinet. I needed a drink. I reached for the bottle of whisky and unscrewed the cap, taking a swallow directly from the bottle. "Shit." I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and slammed the bottle onto the counter.

The amber liquid burned like fire down my throat and into my belly, soothing the pain which lay there. I leaned back against the counter letting my head fall back, and hit the kitchen cabinet behind me, still wallowing in my thoughts of the day. My eyes flicked over to the bottle and back again. I picked up the liquor and chugged another bit down. "Ugh." Still hot, but getting better. Each swallow was less intense than the last. My body started to loosen, the numbness from the alcohol clouding my conflicting thoughts of Haven, Mace…and that fucking douchebag. Fight for her.

"Goddammit!" Making light work of the whisky, I emptied the bottle and threw it as hard as I could across the kitchen. It shattered against the wall with a loud crash. My mind completely oblivious to the fact I could've woken the kids upstairs. I wasn’t thinking straight, and the alcohol was no consolation prize to what I’d truly lost. Heat consumed me, a rage inside me I couldn't contain. I wanted nothing more than to fight for Haven. She was the reason I did anything; she was everything. She was mine. And I lost her.

I left the mess in the kitchen and stomped back up to my room. I knew I’d have a hell of a hangover and a shit-ton of glass to clean, but at that moment, I couldn’t care less. My mind was in a whisky-induced haze of jealousy, anger, and hurt. I had to let go. Back in my bedroom, I walked to the nightstand and snatched up my cell phone. I typed out a quick message to Scarlett: Jude: Let it be, Scar. She wants him. She can have him. I gave Mace my word and now I’m done. Let her be happy if that’s what she is.

I threw the phone onto the bed, dropped face down onto the pillow, and passed straight the fuck out.

Haven My hands shook. I couldn't decipher if it was from the sight before me, the fact that Dylan lied about something so monumentally huge, or the temptation to take one of those needles and jab it into my arm. I could still hear Dylan on the other side of the door, but I couldn't concentrate on what he was actually saying. I closed my eyes and let out a breath. I needed to know why I was staring at an arsenal of an addict's deepest fantasy or worst nightmare.

I needed to get out of there and fast. I couldn’t breathe in the tiny space. The walls were closing in on me and the ceiling felt as if it were coming down atop of me faster than the floor felt to be dropping out from under my feet. I grabbed the handle and yanked the door open, the breeze it created blew my hair into my face. Dylan was standing on the other side, his arm against the doorframe, his head bowed down. He looked up. Desolate eyes met mine, his features masked by apology and pain. "Haven, please."

"Don't," I interrupted him, holding my hand up to his face. I couldn't bear to look at him. "You're a junkie?" It came out as a whisper. "Do you have any idea what this does to me?" I took a deep breath and tried to step to the side only to have him thwart my efforts. "I can't be around you, Dylan." I started to push him back so I could get my things and leave. This time he stepped aside, but grabbed my arm. "NO! God, Haven. Please let me explain—" His face crumbled more by the second. “It’s not what you think. It’s not what it looks like, sugar.” A rage like I had never felt before overtook me. “I know exactly what it is,

Dylan!” I yelled at him, furious I’d found myself in the same situation I’d been in before. I blew out a rough breath and gritted through my teeth, “I know what it is because I’ve been there!” My anger took over and tears began to well in my eyes. His confusion was evident at my statement. I proceeded to gather my things, the urge to lock myself back in his bathroom growing by the second. He rubbed the scar on his chest. "Wait? What do you mean, you know what—?" His voice took on a tone I wasn't sure I wanted to examine too closely.

"I am an addict, you asshole! How the fuck else do you think I would know about that stuff?" I screamed, spinning around so I was inches away from his face. Dylan gripped onto the doorframe and I watched as he paled, all color draining away from his pained features. I put my clothes on as fast as I could, stopping briefly to remember the tender moments we had shared just moments ago. I couldn't look at him again. His face already haunted my thoughts…mixed with yellow liquids, blue veins, glassy eyes and distant memories of flying. I’d been a fool…an idiot who’d told another person my deepest, darkest secret. A secret I’d kept from everyone I cared about for so long.

And what’s worse, I just blurted it. In my furious state, I couldn’t even explain properly. Who knows what he must think…but then again, it doesn’t matter. I guess it takes one to know one, right? I must've stalled just long enough for Dylan to realize what I had said, because the next thing I knew, his arms were around me. I instantly stiffened, knowing how this story ended. One addict plus a recovering addict ended in a big, disgusting mess of addict. "Please, Haven. Don't run. promise, it's not what you think."

I

I fought against him, his grip tightening around my middle, my arms

pinned to my sides. “Let me go!” I shrieked, treacherous tears formed in my eyes and threatened to spill as my emotions continued to spiral out of control. "Shh…it's okay, sugar" he crooned in my ear, his voice low and soothing. “I’m not an addict.” “That’s what we all say, Dylan. That’s the lie we tell ourselves to make it okay, to justify it.” I sobbed. “Why? Why do I have to fall in love with the forbidden ones?” I dropped my head back against his chest, my breath coming in short, exasperated pants. I couldn't catch a lungful of oxygen, making my body started to protest. "I can't. I can't,

Dylan. Please, let me go." My words came out strangled and sounded foreign. "Not until you hear me out. Even if I have to hold you up, just like this, Haven. You need to know." His voice remained calm and soothing in my ear. "Sugar…I'm not an addict.” He dropped a small kiss on the top of my head, took a deep breath and let it out as if preparing himself. “You noticed the scar on my chest? That was a port, for chemo. I have cancer, Haven. I’m dying.” His words barely registered before everything went dizzy and a cold feeling washed over me. "Haven." Dylan turned me in his

arms. "Haven, oh God. Wake up, sugar." My body was lifeless, my mind aware but nothing responded. He laid me down on his bed. I felt a cool pressure against my cheek, then my forehead. "C'mon, baby, I need you to wake up. Talk to me. Let me know you're okay." His voice was strained, like he was holding back tears of his own. I groaned. My head hurt and I didn't know if I had hit my head or it was just from the shock of what Dylan had shared with me. "Dylan." My voice was hoarse. "Wha—did you—?" He interrupted my babbling. "Shh,

just rest a minute, Haven." He continued to wipe my brow. "You passed out." I tried to sit up, pushing his hand aside. "Stop," I protested. "I'm fine." I swung my legs over the side of his bed as embarrassment flooded me. I needed to look away from the tenderness of his gaze. Fucking cancer? "No, this is some bad joke. Some kind of excuse for all that shit strewn around in there. I've heard some really fucked-up stories, Dylan, but that's just cruel." I screwed up my face in disgust. “You're young and fit…healthy even. You don't have cancer. Nice touch with

the scar, though.” I brushed him off when he tried to put his hand on me again. I glared for a moment and angrily asked, "So, you're a drug addict and a liar now?" I couldn’t believe it. Of all the people I could fall for, it had to be a drug user. Somebody who did the very thing I had been battling against. Life had a pretty fucked-up sense of humor for sending this shit my way. "I don't fucking believe it." I pushed off the bed. My legs were still a bit wobbly, but Dylan was already standing. "Don't fucking touch me!" I jerked away from his grasp, stumbling just a little bit more. I couldn't believe I had been

duped by this…by him. "Haven, please," he pleaded, his hands up in a surrender motion. My eyes scanned the room. I needed to get away from this place, from him. I felt trapped, like glass had encased around my chest and filled with water. I was positively drowning in pure dread and there was no way to escape. I couldn't stop the angry tears from running down my face. "No!" I screamed, pushing my way passed him. "This isn't happening. I gotta get the fuck out of here." "Haven, we need to talk. Just stop for a goddamn minute!" His voice

elevated and fear laced his appearance. He was terrified of me walking out the door and never seeing me again; it shone clearly in his eyes. He grabbed both my wrists and brought my face to his. "Just hear me out. If you still want to leave, then I can't stop you." His anger disappeared instantly. In its place was defeat. "Just…listen." His breath fanned across my face. "Five minutes, Haven. You owe me that much." I stared back at his beautifully tortured expression. He was pleading with his eyes, begging me to just hear him out. How could I?

"You’re not lying, are you?" My voice sounded distant and cold. I shivered. Still unconvinced but curious as to how far he’d take his story I looked away and lowered my head; everything was just too intense. "Fine," I mumbled. "You have five minutes." His body sagged in relief as he placed his lips against my temple. "Thank you." I pulled away and walked out of his bedroom. I sat on the arm of the sofa, not able to sit and get comfortable. I stood again, paced. My hand shook as I chewed my thumbnail. Realization hit me like a

firecracker had just been shoved halfway up my ass. The drugs in the bathroom weren’t street drugs. They were prescription medications. The labels flashed back in my mind as I sat there waiting. He really was sick. The pills, the small glass vials…they were all forms of painkillers. Dylan emerged a few minutes later, low-slung faded Levi's, no shirt and bare feet. He didn't look sick. He looked positively edible. Focus, Haven. "So, have you had a second

opinion?" I fired questions at him while he filled the carafe with water. "How long?" I didn’t give him a second to answer before the next question flew from my mouth. "What kind of cancer is it?" I was rambling now. "Have you exhausted every possible course of treatment?" My last question died on my lips when he looked my way briefly, not speaking a word. Instead, he allowed me to get everything out. I watched as he moved around his kitchen, the counters bare except for a toaster oven and the coffee pot. I blurted, "Is that why you have nothing really in this place? Is it because you're dying?"

He didn't turn to look back at me, just sighed as he continued the mundane task of making coffee. A buttery smooth scent drifted through the air as it percolated, the aroma comforting despite the war waging in my mind. 'This isn't happening. I mean, look at you?" I openly gawked, gesturing with my hands. "You're beautiful. You're strong. I certainly didn't notice any track marks in your arms." My tone was sardonic when I continued. "Trust me, I would know." I bit my tongue as soon as the revolting words left my mouth. He made a strangled noise in the

back of his throat. "I don't have any marks because I'm not doing treatments anymore. And the only mark left of the treatments I have done, is this.” He pointed to his chest and let out a resigned sigh. "I'm dying, sugar." His pause was deafening. "The medicine is just for pain now." Realization crashed over me, denial jumping right out of the seventh floor window behind me and splattering all over the cement below. The needles…he wasn’t fighting anymore. He was enduring. He handed me a cup of freshly made java. "Here, sugar, get some

caffeine in your system." He opened the refrigerator, grabbed the creamer and poured a splash into my waiting cup. I just stared on, awareness of the severity of his situation slammed into me like a baseball bat to the gut. Silent tears slid down my cheeks as I looked into the swirling caramel liquid, salty mixing with sweet. “What kind?” I asked again. “Brain cancer.” He cleared his throat. I brought the steaming mug to my lips, catching the sorrow on my tongue as it collided with the velvety smoothness of Dylan's Colombian brew. "I really need to go." I set the cup on the

counter and turned back toward the bedroom. Dylan followed behind, stopping momentarily in the doorway while I searched for my purse. I sat down on the edge of his bed, facing away from where he stood, watching me. “You have cancer.” I frowned, finally accepting what he’d said. “Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered. My head hung low, my hands gripped the side of the bed. I assumed the worst in him, because I was a horrible person. I projected my demons onto a man who was literally losing the fight for his life. I had no right

to be mad at anyone but myself. And at that moment, I was fucking pissed at none other than yours truly. His body heat offered comfort as the bed dipped next to me. His hand caressed my lower back. "Sugar, remember what I said about sharing secrets sometime? Well, this was mine. It’s not really something you can just blurt out, and I swear I never meant for you to find out this way." Sorrow filled the tenor of his voice. "I struggled with telling you at all…I didn’t think I could stand to see the look of pity in your beautiful eyes." I looked straight ahead, still unable

to meet his stare. "I don't pity you. You don't seem sick." My voice sounded meek, like I was afraid of how he would take my response. "Darlin', you already are." His gruff response was enough to cause me to turn. I wished I hadn't. "Listen to you." He pushed a piece of hair off my face and behind my ear. At his gentle caress, my body leaned into him and a lone tear escaped. "I'm so sorry, Dylan." I took his hand and held it to my cheek, as his thumb wiped my sadness away. "I jumped to conclusions. I should've asked. You must hate me." My words ran together as I tried to convey my thoughts before he

gained his wits and threw my drugaddicted ass out of his life forever. "Oh, hell…what you must think of me right now." "I think the world of you, Haven. That hasn't changed." His kind words were a balm on my shattered heart. “Nothing you can do or say will change how I feel about you, sugar. You’re a shining light in an otherwise shitty tunnel." He smoothed my hair back. "We do need to talk though, just no more tonight." He held my face in his hands and laid a soft kiss on my forehead. "Maybe sometime you can tell me about your secret, sugar." His voice was whisper

soft. "I'm actually a little tired right now." And with that, he dropped his hands, and lay down. “Will you stay?” he asked through a yawn. “Did you really need to ask?” I sniffed, settling down beside him as he wrapped me in his arms and kissed the back of my head.

Haven "We on our backs staring at the stars above, Talking about what we going to be when we grow up, I said what you wanna be? She said, 'Alive.'" -Outkast, "The Art of Storytellin' (Part 1)"

Dylan's body curled around mine. Our limbs entwined as I stared at the ceiling while the fan twirled at a

maddeningly slow speed. I closed my eyes, but sleep evaded me as I listened to the soft snores of Dylan beside me. His mouth was warm against my neck, a hint of coffee smell lingered on his breath. I turned my head slightly toward him, inhaling his scent. It was intoxicating and just what I needed to calm my reeling mind. Cancer. I couldn't wrap my thoughts around what he shared with me. Everything was jumbled, a mess of needles, sex, and death. He was dying.

The beautiful cowboy who made sweet, tender love to me was leaving me, just like every other person I'd ever loved in my life. Maybe that was my penance for all the fucked-up shit I had done. I'd run out of chances, ruined them with my need for that next fix, that eternal high. So many times I had lied, cheated, stolen; I was guilty of it all. It seemed that bitch named Karma was coming to collect. Only I had nothing left to offer. I'd already lost everything before it was ever really mine. First Jude. Now Dylan.

I was destined to be alone, and I had no one to blame but myself. I sighed and rolled away from Dylan. He shifted. His arm tightened around me and a hushed whimper escaped his throat. Just how much pain was he in? My heart broke a little more, and I silently sobbed into the dark blue pillow. Tears of frustration and angst were just the tip of the overflow of emotions flooding through me. Above all else was my anger, anger with myself. How could I ever want to do something as vile as meth and the

multiple other drugs I’d messed with when this man next to me was suffering with nothing but death as a reward? He’d told me it was brain cancer, but what kind? There were so many. I didn’t know for sure how bad it was, and I couldn’t fathom Dylan not being here, being a part of my life. I’d just found him. Part of me wanted to believe things would look brighter in the morning. The other part of me wanted to walk into that bathroom and let the darkness swallow me whole. But I couldn't succumb to my demons. Not now, not ever again. I wouldn’t risk that. I couldn’t waste a life on drugs when somebody as amazing and kind-hearted as Dylan was losing his by

no choice of his own. It was selfish. I almost died from it once and I promised I would never get involved with needles again. If it weren't for Jude… Jude. My savior. The man who I thought would stand up to anyone and everyone for me. The man who left me without ever looking back. I wiped my face, the salt drying on my exposed cheek while the other laid in the tear-sodden pillowcase.

Releasing a deep sigh, placed my hand over Dylan's. "I love you, cowboy," I murmured into the darkness, vowing I’d show him how much I loved him every chance I had. “I don’t know why you were sent to me, but I won’t let you down. “ Sniffling, I threaded my fingers through his and listened to his breathing even out and his whimpers soften. "Please don't give up fighting." My voice dropped even lower as the bite of my emotions bubbled back to the surface. “Please don’t leave me.” I knew I needed to sleep, but when my mind raced like that, it took

everything in me to stay in bed. My skin crawled with phantom withdrawals and my mouth would dry up like I’d swallowed cotton. It was going to be a long night. I just hoped I was strong enough to endure it ‘til sunrise.

Jude I tossed in my bed, the sheets soaked with sweat from a nightmare that lingered in my mind for the past few hours. Something was wrong. I felt it in my bones.

Haven. I couldn't find a way to expel her from my thoughts; the alcohol was no longer a sufficient deterrent. There wasn’t anything that could fill the empty void left inside of me. "Shit." I scrubbed my hand over my face. Two-day old stubble coated my chin. I threw my feet over the edge of the bed and pulled myself up, shuffling across the soft carpet to the bathroom. I hoped a cool shower would settle my restlessness. I was in rough shape, and I knew I had no one to blame but myself. I let her walk away. Fuck, I damn well pushed

her. I didn’t fight when it was time to fight, and that made me nothing but a coward. I walked out of her life, and I was a dick about it. But I still couldn't shake the feeling that she needed me. No matter where she was or who she was with, she was mine. And if given a chance again, I’d be everything she needed and more. The connection we shared wasn't something that just happened. She'd be dead if it weren't for me. Ironically that was exactly how I felt—I felt completely dead without her.

I opened the glass shower door and leaned in, turning the faucet on to cold. Stripping off my boxer briefs, I tossed them in the laundry basket and slipped in under the stream of water, praying for some relief. My body shivered from the lack of warmth in the shower, but it matched my heart. I felt cold, dead. I needed to change that. No matter what had happened, I couldn’t give up on the one girl I’d ever truly loved. Determined in my mind, I made the decision to seek her out first thing in the morning. I’d find her and tell her I was sorry. Tell her I was stupid. I’d tell her I loved her and needed her, wanted her. I’d ask her to leave that dickhead and come home to me.

I just had to hope I wasn’t too late.

Haven The sun streamed through the blinds of Dylan's bedroom window, but my eyes hurt too much to open them. Groaning, I rolled over. I could feel his eyes on me before he made any noise. I refused to open my swollen lids, instead puckering my lips in his direction. He responded with a gentle brush across my mouth, which I kept closed tight. When I felt him lean back, I whispered, "You know, some people might find it creepy when they wake up to someone staring at them." Dylan's chuckle was low and

rough, as if he himself hadn't been up long. "Oh, sugar, I'm glad to see you haven't lost your sparkle after the sun comes up." He rolled on top of me; his hands rested on either side of my face. "Open your beautiful eyes, Haven. I want to know you are still here with me." The heat of his body pressed against mine was comforting. I wanted to stay in his arms just like that, all day. I fluttered my eyelids, the light adjusting to the filtered sunlight streaming into the room. I was met with a dazzling smile and a warm gaze of a man who had just shared with me the night before that he was dying.

I still couldn't wrap my head around what I had learned, but I needed to explain a few things to Dylan. After all, he shared a huge secret with me; it was only fair. I nestled myself against his shoulder. He smelled of cinnamon and clove, and something uniquely Dylan, "You smell yummy." My voice was muffled, but I wanted to be closer. I craved the contact and I didn't want to relinquish that just yet. "Can we stay like this all day?" I mumbled. "I want to share my story with you, but I'm afraid." I couldn't help the smallness of my voice. I was scared. Scared I would bare my soul and Dylan would reject

me. I hadn’t had to spill all my secrets to Jude. He’d found me drugged out and messed up in the back room of a, rundown, abandoned house. "Sugar, whatever you have to tell me isn't going to change my feelings." He ran his nose against my cheek. "I wasn't lyin' when I said I was falling in love with you." He pulled back to look at me, the sun creating a glare and shadow across his features. I couldn't help the sigh which escaped my lips. It hurt to look at him; he was beautiful. "Promise me you'll hear me out. I need to know you won't judge me." I searched his face for any hesitation at my soon-to-be confession, but all I saw

was an open acceptance of whatever I was about to throw at him. "You have my word, sugar." It was about then my bladder protested the current position we lay in. I pushed against Dylan's chest. "Okay, cowboy. Let me up. Nature calls." He smiled and rolled over, pulling the sheet with him. "I'll make us something to eat. Meet me in the kitchen?" I watched him sit up, stretch his arms over his head, my mind running rampant with all the other things I'd rather be doing other than talk to Dylan. "Mmmhmm." Was all I could

muster, too enthralled with the sight of his flawless body. He turned back toward me. "Caught ya lookin’." He grinned. "You know with a look like that, you make me want to stay right here." I kicked my feet in his direction. "Go on, cowboy. I really should freshen up a bit." I started to push up from the opposite side of the bed. "I'll see you in a minute." I paused a moment and hesitated before I left the room, Dylan coming to stand in front of me, between the bed and the door. "I need to get some things off my chest. I just hope—" His finger came to my lips. "Shh,

just stop. I already gave you my word. Nothing is going to change." His eyes were warm. "See you in the kitchen. You have a preference of pancakes or waffles?" I smiled, “waffles,” and walked toward the bathroom. After freshening up, I padded down the hall toward the sounds and smells of what I hoped wasn't the last meal I'd share with Dylan. I watched the muscles in his back flex as he worked his way around the kitchen. I propped myself onto a stool across the raised bar from where he was preparing breakfast. "So, are you ready for the best

waffles in the world?" He turned toward me, spatula in one hand, and plate in the other. "Yeah. I'm famished." I took a bite at the waffles he placed in front of me, a soft moan curling in my throat. "Oh, God, this is heavenly." My eyes rolled in my head and I sighed in contentment. "Aren't you going to eat?" I asked around another mouthful. He didn't move, just watched on as I stuffed my face. "Nah, I'm not hungry." "Side effect?" I questioned, stuffing more buttery waffle into my mouth. "Yeah, something like that," he

responded coolly. "Why don't you tell me about you?" He turned back to the stove and started to clean up his mess. "Uh, well." I paused. "It's a long story. I'd prefer it if you looked at me. I need to gauge your reaction and I can't do that if you have your back to me," I replied. "You do have a nice backside though." His bark of laughter filled the room before I noticed his shoulders shake. "All right, sugar. Finish your breakfast. I'll clean this up and then we can talk." I looked down at my syrup-filled plate. "Mmm-kay." And I proceeded to devour my waffles.

I mulled over how to tell Dylan my deepest, darkest secret. I couldn’t find any way to sugar-coat it. "So, I'm a recovering drug addict." I figured I would just come out and say it. His motions paused, but quickly resumed. "You told me that last night, sugar. How about you tell me when and how it happened in the first place." I gripped my plate and hopped off the stool. I headed toward the sink when Dylan turned and stopped me. "Let me take that." He grabbed my dishes and proceeded to wash up in the sink. He wasn't looking at me, instead focusing on his task.

"Okay, well…" I leaned against the countertop, my arms taking their own protective stance across my chest. "I was sixteen the first time I started partying. And I tried a few pills with some friends I used to hang with. It seemed harmless, a way to feel good, or not feel at all." I shuffled my foot against the tile floor. "I don't know when it got out of hand. Just that one day I woke up in a place I didn't recognize with a needle next to me." I couldn't look up, but I felt his stare on me, the water was still on but his hands were instead resting on the side of the sink rather than washing dishes. "I had been on a binge for about

three days." My voice became quiet. "Jude found me. I was dirty, strung out, and trying to find any way to get my next fix." Dylan turned off the water and turned toward me, drying his hands on a towel. "C'mon, sugar. Let's finish this conversation somewhere a little more comfortable." He grabbed my hand, grazing my breast innocently. It sent a jolt of desire through me, but I snuffed it out. It wasn't the time to be thinking about sex. I looked up, taking in the man before me. "Okay, can we go back to bed? I might have an easier time explaining if you're naked and can't get

away." He cupped my cheek with his free hand. "Sugar, I don't know what…come on. Let's go to bed." I smiled in triumph. "Thank you." Dylan led me back to his bedroom, stopping only to kiss me once before stepping out of his jeans and climbing into bed. He patted the blue linen next to him. "In you go, darlin'." I took off my shirt, but left my panties on. Crawling up the bed, I plopped down next to him. As if we'd been sleeping together for ages, he instinctively wrapped me in his arms

and squeezed me to his chest. I felt his breath in my hair before he whispered, "You smell like maple syrup." He inhaled again, “and raspberries.” I smiled and nuzzled closer to his body, the heat of his chest against my back a soothing balm for my numbed state. "Now, where were we, sugar?" He kissed the back of my ear. "Tell me all of it. Don't leave anything out." I cleared my throat, prepared to share all the revolting details of my past. "So, Jude found me after I had been on a binge for about three days. He took me to a hotel and spent the next week

helping me detox. I fought him the entire time. I didn't have a problem, or so I thought." I took a breath. "He held my hair, kept me bathed and fed. He never left my side." My voice cracked. "I guess somewhere along the way, he developed feelings for me, and I him. He was my savior. "What makes it worse, or better, depending on how you look at it, it became our little secret." I shifted uncomfortably. "No one in my family knew, and Jude protected that. He never told a soul." Dylan's breathing accelerated, as if he were bracing for some apocalyptic revelation. "I understand a little better now

why he gave me the look of death in the shop that day. He feels protective over you." It wasn't a question, but I felt I needed to clarify our relationship a little more. "Yeah, I guess that's part of it. But mostly, I think he felt obligated to care for me. He knew I wouldn't go to my brothers, and he also knew what would happen if in the event I took things too far." I felt my cheeks warm, tears threatened to emerge as I remembered Jude and everything we had been through together. "Have you ever heard of Nightingale Syndrome?" I sniffled. "It's a situation where a caregiver develops

romantic and sometimes or sexual feelings for his or her patient, even if very little communication or contact takes place outside of basic care." Tears spilled into the pillowcase as I spoke. Dylan wrapped me tighter in his embrace. "I think that's what happened with Jude. It was never going to work long term." I wiped my cheek. "They say the feelings fade when the subject recovers or dies." With that, I let my breath out in long whoosh, feeling both lighter and heavier. Dylan kissed my neck, my shoulder, and my back. "Thank you." He didn't need to say anything more. The tone of his voice said everything I needed to hear.

I turned in his strong hold and put my hand on his face. He closed his eyes momentarily, my fingers grazing across his full lips. "You okay?" "Yeah, sugar. I am." And with his whisper-soft response, he kissed me. We spent the rest of the day entangled between the sheets. We made love, talked, and slept. I couldn't have asked for a better response to the bomb I had dropped on him. Dylan didn't judge me, didn't reject me. He just took everything I had to say and then held me. Loved me. Yes, he was everything I never

knew I wanted…and our time was limited, at best.

Later that evening, I was unable to sit still after Dylan had dropped me back off at home. My nervous energy got the best of me and in order to keep from doing something stupid like drinking myself into a stupor, I started to clean. I needed to get rid of a few things, cleanse my closet and my soul of all the blackness that seemed to have taken over before I let it all go with Dylan.

If only I could erase Jude from my apartment. I sucked my teeth and grabbed a trash bag from under the kitchen cabinet. I had already cleaned every crevice of my place. There was nothing left to do but face my past. My memories of Jude, of my addiction, everything I wanted to keep buried was just waiting for me to take a trip down memory lane. "It's not that bad, Haven," I mumbled to myself as I slammed the cabinet shut and stomped toward the bedroom, a determined stride in my gait. "You can do this." The pep talk became my mantra as I opened the doors and stared at the top shelf.

I stood with each door in my hands, bottom lip clenched between my teeth, and eyes wide. "Music!" I blurted and turned for my phone to put on some tunes. "I need music. What do I want to listen to?" I asked myself as I scrolled through endless playlists. I knew it was just a way to put off what really needed to be done but I justified my distraction when “Undefeated” from Daughtry started blaring through my little phone speaker. I placed it on the dock, so I could hear it from anywhere in the tiny apartment and bobbed my head as I went back to the closet. Pulling the large box off the shelf, my shoulders protested the weight.

"Damn, what's in here? Bricks?" I brought it down and plopped on the floor. The lid fell to the side and I covered my mouth as memories jumped from the sight of the contents. My heart lurched into my throat and a sob threatened to escape as I slowly lowered my body to examine my past a little more closely. Right on top was a picture Jude had snapped of us one morning; we had bed head and my mascara was smudged under my eyes, but Jude was smiling like the joker. I was stupidly happy. My eyes shone with pure adoration for the man lying next to me.

I picked it up and covered my mouth. Tears blurred the edges of my vision. "Stupid girl, you fell for the forbidden guy." I shook my head and laid it aside as I reached for the next item. It was one of Jude's old band tshirts of Shinedown, faded and peeling, but the fabric was soft and worn. I held it to my face, inhaling, hoping for some strange reason it would still smell like him. It didn't. Just like us, it had faded and was replaced with bitterness and hurt. I huffed. "All right, I need to stop this

shit." I tossed the shirt into the bag. My mind whirled, memories blended together of both past and present, Dylan's face replacing Jude's in some of my happiest ones. "I'm not that girl anymore," I stammered, my voice gaining strength as I allowed the pain to surface. "He lost his chance, and he didn't want me. I'm not going to beg for something someone isn't willing to give." I grabbed the next few things from the box and threw it all into the bag, not even bothering to look at it. "This is your past, Haven. Focus on the now, on Dylan." I finished rummaging through my

memories with Jude, my hands shaking and covered in dust. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of everything, so I kept the picture. It was something that reminded me I was happy once and I could be again. "Time to make some new memories, Haven," I proclaimed aloud, my hands itching to stay busy, my body buzzing with energy I ached to find remedy to. My phone buzzed, alerting me to a new text message. I swiped the screen and read it, a smile tipping my lips up. Sugar, I loved every minute of our time together and I look forward to more moments. I cherish those, and

you. I gushed over his words as I read them a second time, and a third. In my mind, I responded ten times over before I actually formulated one suitable to send back. He made me giddy. Giddy? Yes, I was positively giddy. My fingers flew across the keyboard of my phone on their own accord, as if they were determined to spill my innermost thoughts without my brain having a say in the matter.

And it didn't. My heart was taking over. My heart was taking over, and I was powerless to stop it. Jude who?

Jude After a shitty night's sleep, if you could even call it that, I groaned and rolled over in bed. My forearm covered my face as the sunlight streamed through the curtains, like a blinding beacon beckoning me to get my ass out of bed. "Fuck me," I exhaled, pulling myself to sitting. I scrubbed my hands over my face and looked around the room. My gaze landed on the picture tucked under the side of my mirror. It was of Haven and me. Her makeup was smudged and I had a shit-eating grin. We were lying in her

bed. She looked happy. I did that. I made her happy. I slammed my fists into the bed on either side of me. "Goddamn it!" I pushed up and strode across the room to my bureau. I plucked the picture from its hiding place and examined it closer. "You love me, damn it," I said to her adoring face. "I'm not going to give you up without a fight." My teeth clenched as the picture crinkled in my too tight grip. I slammed it down and opened the top drawer. I needed to find her. Explain myself, fight for her. Prove

I was the one for her, not that pathetic excuse for a cowboy. I yelled out the open door down the hall, "Boys, wanna go to Mima's?" I heard scurrying followed by a thump. "Yeah!" They yelled in unison. "Okay," I called back while searching for my shorts. "Get dressed. We are leaving in ten!" Their excited yelps and feet banging on the floor hit me as they hurried to be ready for Mima's house. I pulled a shirt over my own head and bee-lined for the bathroom to wash up. I splashed water on my face and

slathered some paste on my toothbrush. Quickly cleaning up, I waited for the boys to brush their own teeth. I looked at the man staring back at me, a new fire in my eyes that hadn't been there the day before. "I'm gonna fucking do this." I swiftly finished up and headed downstairs, two rowdy boys in tow. “Dad!” Jaxson yelled from behind me. “Breakfast?” “Fu— Umm… pop tarts, quickly,” I called over my shoulder. Sugary breakfast snacks weren’t an amazing thing to be feeding them, but it would suffice. There were other things that

ranked higher than maximum nutrition on a weekend. “Time to get the girl back.” I smiled to myself, jumping into my truck and starting it up. Both the boys ran out of the house slamming the front door behind them before climbing in and putting on their seatbelts. “Let’s go.” I turned up the radio and whistled along to the song playing from the speakers. My mood had changed exponentially since last night. I knew I belonged with her. We were Haven and Jude; it was her fairy tale and my happy ending. The fifteen-minute drive to Haven’s

mothers place felt like no time at all, and as per usual the boys were clambering out of the car before the ignition was even off. “My babies!” I heard Ma’s voice before I was even in the house. “Jude, my boy.” Ma met me at the kitchen table and pinched my cheek affectionately, like she always had. “How are you doing, honey?” Her eyes bore into mine, reading all my little secrets, the way only she could. “I’m better now. Much better. Listen, I have an errand to run. Would it be too much trouble to leave the boys with you for a bit?” I didn’t want to spill my plans, but I needed the boys to be

somewhere with somebody I trusted. I had a lot of apologizing and making up to do after all, and none of that was conducive to having children around. “Of course not, sweetheart. In fact, they’ll stay the night and keep me company. We’ve got a lot of baking to do today.” With a pat on the shoulder, she began to shoo me out of the kitchen. “Go on. We’ll be fine. I’ll see you later tomorrow afternoon.” “Thank you, Ma. I’d be lost without you.” I leaned down to her small, plump frame, smelling fresh cookies and cinnamon on her and pecked her on the cheek. “Bye boys! Be good,” I called as I headed back out the door.

A chorus of, “Bye, Dad,” was all I caught before the front door was closed and Ma’s humming drifted out of the open windows.

No nerves, no second thoughts and no doubts, I swiftly walked up the steps to Haven’s apartment, remembering the last time I’d been here. “Fuck me, Jude. I need you inside me now.” Haven’s begging was pushing me close to the edge. The need in her voice almost had me pushing her

against the wall and tearing my jeans open to sink deep inside her. I took another step moving us up the stairs while her legs wrapped tighter around my waist. “Not far now, baby. How badly do you need it? Tell me how bad.” I growled, biting down on her lip. The moan that came from my teasing sent more shockwaves directly to the raging hard-on straining against my jeans. Haven ground her hips forward when I dug my fingers into her ass cheeks where my hands took her weight. “I need you now, Jude. I can’t wait any longer. I need you to push inside and pound into me until I

scream. Her breathy words had me so excited I could barely stand it. I brought my mouth back down over hers and kissed her deep and hard. One of my hands slid on its own accord to the warmth between her legs. I already knew from her teasing that she was sans panties, but feeling the absence of them was still a turn on to say the least. I sunk two of my fingers into her warmth and rested my thumb against her clit. “Holy fuck.” She groaned loudly, the sound echoing in the stairwell. Her legs tightened slightly and her hand came up into my hair, holding onto me for dear life. As I pumped my digits in and out, she matched each movement

with her hips. Fucking my hand until she was keening with desperation. We finally reached her door, and rather than finding her keys, I pulled my finger from inside her and licked them clean. Once I’d hurriedly unbuttoned my jeans, I lowered them slightly. As I pushed her up against her apartment door and slid inside her, I could have sworn everything went perfectly still, before we moved into a frenzy. The moment my dick entered her, she clamped her muscles down and arched her back. Her eyes rolled and she dug her nails into my shoulders. “Fuck,” she cried out as she fell apart around me. I drew back and

pounded into her, prolonging her release and bringing mine right to the edge. A loud roar come from my chest as I came. I shook my head to clear the fog of breathy moans and swallowed sighs. I could still feel Haven's screams of ecstasy reverberating through my chest as I knocked on her door. My jeans were uncomfortably tight. The evidence very apparent that she had that sort of effect on me. "Down, boy, now's not the time—" The door flung open to reveal Haven in a pair boy shorts and tank top, her ebony hair piled on top of her head.

I looked up from my crotch pep talk, taking in every inch of her body, the body I wanted nothing more than to claim at that very moment. "Haven't you had enough, cowbuh —?" She stopped mid-sentence when she realized it was me and not McFuckStick on the other side of her door. I didn't much care at this point. I had come here with something to prove and nothing was going to stop me from doing just that. "Haven…" I breathed, and before she could register is was me standing before her, I lurched forward and wrapped my arms around her tiny middle. I pressed my lips to hers and

kissed her with my soul completely bared. It was as if she was the sun and I had been locked underground my entire life. My hands smoothed down her back and onto her ass. I squeezed with silent invitation for her to wrap herself around me like she had so many times before. I pressed her against my still rigid cock, my tongue seeking entry into her mouth. "Let me in, Haven. I need to taste you," I murmured and sealed my lips to hers once again. It took her a second to register my request, but I felt her mouth part just enough for me to force it open. Our tongues swirling in unabashed passion that I remembered feeling many times

over. "No. Stop. Jude!" Haven put her hands on my chest and pushed. Hard. Her breathing was labored, as if she'd just come back from a run. "You can't just walk in here and kiss me like that!" she screeched. "What were you thinking?" She tried to push me back toward the door, but to no avail. I was unmovable when it came to Haven, and this was no exception. "Oh, don't give me that, Haven!" I stomped further into her apartment. "You knew it was me and you wanted that kiss as much as I did." "Admit it. You missed me." I turned

around once I hit her kitchen, my arms crossed over my chest, a smirk played on my lips. She closed the door and turned, leaning against it as if she needed help holding herself up. Her face was flushed, her lips swollen from my kisses, but there was something missing. Her eyes were cold. Shut off, absent of the usual spark that was there when we held each other. The smirk died from my lips along with the raging hard-on between my legs. The glare she gave me as she pushed off the door and marched toward me was icy at best. She pointed her finger at my chest as she came up to me. "You have no right to be here!" She poked me. "You," poke "left," poke

"me," poke” Asshole!" I grabbed her finger before she could assault me with it again. "Stop," I simply stated, my voice low. "I don't want to fight with you, please, Haven." I looked into her beautiful heart-shaped face. "Hear me out." She threw her hands up and growled in frustration. "What? What more could you possibly have to say to me?" "A lot, actually." I let my arms fall to my sides, my fingers aching with the need to touch her. "I need to apologize." "Fine." She looked at me with

distrust and curiosity. It wasn't what I was hoping to see, but it was better than the cold indifference she flashed before. "C-can we sit down?" I stuttered. My brows knitted together. My palms were sweating and my pulse kicked up a notch, while my stomach felt like cement had just been poured down my throat. I was on edge, the last thing I should feel when it came to her, but for some reason, I couldn't shake it. This was Haven, after all. My Haven. "Sure, I'll meet you in the living room." She flippantly waved me out of her way. "I need to get some water." I walked past her and sat on the

edge of the sofa. My elbows rested on my knees, shoulders slumped, head lowered. I could still see her cute little ass in those boy shorts. "Hey, you mind throwing some clothes on?" I called out to her. Haven peeked her head around the corner of the kitchen. "Seriously?" She rolled her eyes and walked down the hall. Not even a minute later, she emerged in a pair baggy sweats, sweats that weren't mine. I blinked rapidly, trying to clear the red of the rage I was feeling at seeing her in another man's clothes. Rubbing my palms up and down the legs of my shorts, I needed to dispel my jealousy

any way possible. She stopped at the hall entrance, leaned her petite frame against the wall, a wall I fucked her against, and waited. I knew it was now or never, my mind racing with all the possible scenarios of how this was going to play out. I figured I'd start simple and go from there. "Haven, I'm sorry." Her eyebrow quirked. "How'd that taste on your tongue, Jude?" She crossed her arms across her breasts, pushing them higher in her low-cut tank top. "Was it bitter? Do you resent those words as much as you do me?" Her gaze narrowed. "Oh, wait, you don't feel anything, do you? I mean, how could

you? I was just someone you needed to fix! Well, guess what, I don't need fixing." Tears formed in the corners of her eyes. "You can't fix something you’re responsible for breaking!" Her tone hardened and I watched her swallow back her unshed tears. "I don't need you anymore. I never needed you," she seethed. "Don't say that, Haven." Her word shot through me like a nasty arrow covered in hot lava. "I wanted you. You had every opportunity when I wanted you, yet you didn't want me." She turned ever redder in the face, if at all possible, and glared though me. "It's too little, too late. You

should have fought then." I stood and spread my arms wide. My fingers splayed open. "What do you want from me, Haven? I'm trying to apologize and tell you I love you, yet you come at me guns hot, ripping me a new one without letting me get a word in edgeways!" I threw my arms up. "I mean, fuck!" My voice dropped in defeat. "I just need to explain." She blinked twice, her stance still unyielding and her eyes filled with contempt and pain. She nodded for me to continue. "I was afraid, Haven. I was terrified of losing everyone I'd ever

loved." I told her earnestly. Almost silently, she whispered, "Instead, you lost me." "What do you mean I lost you?" I looked back briefly over my shoulder, hoping she wasn't telling me what my heart was screaming. My posture resigned, I didn't know if I could stand to hear her answer. "I've fallen in love with someone else, Jude. Someone kind, and tender. Someone who wants me as much as I want him." She closed her eyes. “Someone who deserves my love.” She looked at my back; I could feel

her stare hot on my neck. "He knows everything and loves me anyway. There is no fear, no hesitation." Her voice was soft, as if it pained her to tell me as much as it did me to hear it. "He doesn’t feel obligated to me, I’m not a problem he needs to solve. He's someone who deserves my love, Jude, and has shown me I deserve it, too." I whirled to face her, my face showing every bit of pain she inflicted with her words. "What do you mean, he knows everything?" I bit the words out. "That was ours, Haven." I shook my head and walked out. Everything that ever tied me to that beautiful woman, she'd given freely to

someone else. I had no right to be mad about her telling anyone those secrets, but it still stung like a hot poker to the balls. Nothing we shared was just ours anymore. She'd let us go. I'd lost her. And in the process, I'd lost myself.

Haven I sagged against the wall in exhaustion. Eyes closed, hot tears ran down into my still kiss-swollen lips. I licked them in reflex and felt my body respond. Jude. I could still taste him. I dragged myself up quickly and grabbed a towel. I needed to erase any trace of him from me, from this place. I had new memories to look forward to, even if they were only for a limited amount of time.

I made my way back to my room. Jude's belongings still lingered in the bag by the closet. I grabbed the ties, cinched it tightly and carried it to the chute. "Goodbye, Jude," I whispered as I pushed the bag into the receptacle. When I stepped back into my apartment and closed the door, I felt… empty. It was as if I just tossed a piece of my heart away in the garbage, and at the same time, I didn't want it back. It was the part that was broken, black and scarred with a past I'd rather forget all together, a man I'd like to forget too. But I knew deep down there would always be a part of me that loved Jude.

He would be forever my first love. He'd stay in the tiniest corner of my heart, eternally. For all he was and all we had. He had saved me. He had hurt me. He had mended and then damaged my heart to what I thought was beyond repair. And I had done the same to him. I pushed off the door and padded back to my room. There was stuff strewn everywhere from my cleaning spree. "Huh," I sighed. "You would never believe I did anything looking at this place." My lips curved up, but dropped just a quickly. The picture of Jude and me stared at me like a Cyclops’ laser ray. I grabbed it from its imposing position on

the floor and stuffed it into my bottom night table drawer. I patted the other contents of drawer down so it would close again. It was apparent I had more than just my closet to clean out; there was shit everywhere. I guessed I’d clean my drawers out next. I finished picking up my discarded clothes and other oddities, a sweat breaking on my brow. I had a hamper full of laundry, but I was in no mood to do a wash. I opted for a cool shower instead. I needed something to distract me from my swirling thoughts of black hearts, pain meds, and sweet nothings told by the wrong people.

Unsure how long I stood under the lukewarm spray of my massage showerhead, when I emerged from the bathroom in my fuzzy robe and slippers, I felt better. My phone dinged, bringing me out of my pity party, and I went to retrieve it from the counter. I had two messages. One from Dylan and one from an unknown number. I opened Dylan's first. The other probably someone telling me I won some kind of cruise or shit. Dylan: Want to see you again, sweetness. I just can't get enough. XO I clutched my phone to my chest. I

knew I needed to tell him what just happened. We made a promise to be honest, and I wasn't going to break it. The blinking curser mocked me as I formulated my words, but nothing sounded right so I settled for: When can I see you again? I quickly opened the other text message. UNKNOWN NUMBER: "You may want to get to the bar. Jude is trashed and talking shit. Jimmy. I saw it was a group text. It was also sent to my brothers.

Screw it. Let them handle it. Jude wasn't my responsibility anymore. I shook my head. In fact, he never really was. My phone buzzed again; it was Dylan texting me back already. Dylan: Now. Just then, a knock sounded at my door. I knew this time it was him and not an unexpected visitor like earlier. I let out a breath. Good, I could tell him what happened with Jude. I dashed to the door, squealing in delight as I pulled the door open and almost fell over in my excitement to get to Dylan. I leapt into his arms, causing

him to drop his bag. "Whoa, sugar!" He kissed my hair as I buried my face in his neck. "I've missed you, too. I just couldn't stay away." I lifted my head up and looked at the man I loved and smiled, all my teeth showing. "You have a beautiful smile, sugar. Lights up your whole face." I slid down his body right there in the doorway. He leaned back and picked up the DVD he dropped when I jumped him, and walked inside my apartment. My fingers were already itching to touch him again, so I wasted no time. I

pulled him inside, letting him kick the door shut, and fused my mouth to his. "Mmm…you taste so good. Let's skip dinner and go straight for dessert." He put his hands on my love-flushed cheeks and pecked my nose once more, side-stepping my efforts to get his belt undone. "Easy, sugar. We have all night. Let's eat something first." I sighed in mock frustration, my smile showing my bluff. "Fine.” I pouted. "I'll order pizza." I bounded to the kitchen to grab the phone. It was evident I was beyond excited Dylan came over. After our long and exhausting last encounter, I figured he'd need a break.

Guess not. I felt him come up behind me, the heat of his body radiating from him and seeping into me through my tank top. "I love that you're wearing my clothes. It's incredibly sexy." His breath was hot on my ear, his arms coming to rest around my abdomen. He pressed me against him, forcing my head to fall back against him. I had the phone balanced against my shoulder, exposing a side of my neck that Dylan took no time to take advantage of. As he nibbled, I fought the moans threatening to escape before I wiggled

far enough away to place our pizza order. He looked at me with a sweetly wicked gleam in his eye, pizza the last thing on his mind as I asked, "What do you like on your pie?" His eyes grew round and his lips quirked up. "Just cheese. I don't like my food to touch." It was my turn to gawk. "What? It's pizza!" I laughed at his silly quirk and placed an order for plain cheese pizza. “Hi, can I please order? One cheese only pizza,” I told the guy on the other end of the phone. “Yes, that’s right. Please make sure there’s nothing else on

there. Food shouldn’t touch each other.” I poked my tongue out at Dylan and smiled, stirring him up. I laughed when Dylan raised an eyebrow and shook his head. Quickly, I rattled off my address to the pizza shop, all the while staring at the handsome man drumming his fingers on the countertop with his own eyebrow cocked to mimic mine, just waiting for his revenge. When I hung up the phone, he grabbed me, wasting no time at claiming my mouth with his. He sucked my bottom lip and let it go with a pop. "So you think it's funny, huh?" Dylan's hands rested on my hips. His fingers slid up

under my tank top, grazing my rib cage. I gazed into his handsome face and made a show of complying. "Uh-huh." My mouth agape, my eyes danced with humor. I thought he was going to pull me closer; his expression gave me the impression I was about to be kissed senseless. I closed my eyes, my smirk sinking and a sigh of desire taking over. "Oh!" I jumped, not able to go far because of Dylan's vise-grip on my middle, his fingers digging into my sides tickling the ever living shit out of me. "Stop! Stop!" I cried through my laughter. I bucked and twisted, trying to

disengage my body from his. "Nah-ah, sugar! You wanted funny. Laugh it up." He was breathless but giddy as we wrestled in the kitchen. I finally managed to get away, only to have him chase me around my apartment, both of us in hysteric fits of laughter. I plopped down on the sofa, trying to catch my breath and he came down on top of me. "Still think I'm funny, sugar?" His face was just a few inches from mine. I nodded, my face frozen with joy. He leaned down and caressed my lips with his. It was feather-soft at first,

his hands on either side of my body to keep his weight off me. I pulled my arms from over my head and around any part of Dylan I could. My legs found his waist, my arms his neck, where I could play in the softness of his hair that grazed his shirt collar. "Take me to the bedroom," I murmured. "With pleasure." He never took his mouth from mine, so his words were mumbled, the vibration sending a sweet sensation straight down to my core. He lifted off the couch with me clung to him like a monkey. He started toward my bedroom, but the knock on

the door stopped him dead in his tracks. "Pizza delivery!" We heard from outside my apartment. "Damn. Saved by the pizza guy with the plain cheese pizza." I giggled into Dylan's neck as I once again slid down his now rigid body. I looked down at his crotch and pointedly stated, "Hold that thought!" Damn, cockblocked by the pizza guy. With that, I ran to the door and swiftly paid the guy for Dylan's boring pizza and headed back to drop it in the kitchen. We wouldn't be eating any time

soon. I had better things planned for dinnertime. "I hope you like cold pizza," I said in a low, sultry voice. "We're gonna be a while." I walked back to where I had left Dylan standing and dropped to my knees, his low-slung jeans tented in front of my face. I pulled at the buttons while Dylan looked down at me, his eyes hooded with want. “Mhmm,” I murmured, sliding my hand up and down his rock hard cock. His hips bucked at the feeling of my hands on him, which only spurred me on ever more. “Jesus Christ, sugar,” he cried out

when I took his full length in my mouth, letting the head of his erection hit the back of my throat. I looked up at his face through my thick lashes, pulling my head back and ever so slowly pushing forward again. His knees locked up and his hand fell gently to my hair, pulling it back out of my face. I set my speed and moved my head back and forth until Dylan was writhing under me. Bringing my hands up off my thighs, I gripped his hips and pulled them in time with my head, bringing him closer and closer to the edge. I was becoming more and more turned on by the second. Hearing his groans prompted by me, there was something exceptionally sexy about being able to

bring a man to his knees. “Fuu—Haven. I’m gonna come,” Dylan cried out, gripping my hair tighter and sending a jolt of electricity though my body. I reached under him and pressed down on the spot between his balls and bum, with just enough pressure that his eyes went wide and he exploded in my mouth instantly. “Holy hell!” He groaned loudly, his voice deep while his eyes closed as he pumped his hips, letting me have all of him. Once he started to come back to earth, I pulled back, making a popping sound with my mouth as his cock came

free from the suction my mouth had created. I moved back on my haunches and stood up in front of him. His cock still half hard poking out toward me, his jeans in a pile around his feet and his head tipped lazily to his chest. “What was that?” Dylan asked, gripping my hips and pulling me flush against his body. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest, his breathing still labored from being worked up. “That was tasty.” I smiled up at him teasingly. Dylan’s cum wasn’t salty and gross. It was actually sweet and fairly tasteless, which I was most happy about.

“You’re tasty, sugar. That was something else. Damn!” He held me tighter to him and kissed me deep and hard, leaving me breathless. When he pulled back, he rubbed his thumb over my lower lip and told me in a sultry voice, “My cum on your lips is damn sexy, darlin’.” Pizza completely forgotten, Dylan lifted me up and shuffled to the bed lying me down and returning the favor plus some. “Your turn.” We eventually fell asleep completely exhausted and sans dinner or a movie.

Jude “Shut that fucking hole in your face!” I growled at the guy belittling his girlfriend at the table over from mine. After Haven had ripped my heart out and dumped it in a garbage disposal, I’d taken to the only place I knew would ease my soul. Jimmy’s Bar. Two hours and a half a bottle of Jack Daniels later, I was snapping and snarling at everything in sight. “What the fuck is it to you, cocksucker?” the prick threw over his shoulder. “That your lady?” I asked, already

knowing the answer. He looked down at the younger girl with a nastiness I’d only seen in men who liked to hit women. “She’s a fuckin slut. You want her? She’ll lay on the table and spread her legs for a few bucks,” he joked distastefully. “Matter fact, she’d probably suck ya cock for less, the dirty whore.” The vile words that came out of his mouth made me feel sick to my stomach. How could anyone treat another person like that? Let alone somebody they had a chance at being with. The slight girl looked down at her feet sucking back the tears that threatened to spill over from her eyes. I stood up quickly, knocking my

chair over. With one swift movement, I had the assholes shirt in my fist and my face millimeters from his. “You like treating women like trash? Bet you hit her too. Does it make you feel like a big strong man putting your hands on her? Talking down to her and making her feel worthless?” I wasn’t about to hit him first, but I was wild enough that I might just push him until he took a swing. Out the corner of my eye, I saw the young girl grab her bag and make a run for the door. Satisfied she was out of harm’s way, I gave the guy in front of me a glare that would have made most cringe away. “Bitch ain’t worth talking sweet to. She’s nothing. Now take your goddamn filthy hands of me, fuckface,” he spat,

shoving me and taking a swing. His podgy hand connected with my mouth, drawing a tiny bit of blood. I licked my lip and growled low and menacing. “You talk to your momma with that mouth?” I asked, my alcohol-affected senses a little slower than normal. “My momma was a slut. Just like yours was when she screamed for my cock.” His voice was hateful, his face a screwed-up mess of scars, sores and dirt. I pulled my balled-up hand back and let it go full force on his nose. “You…” I swung again, a satisfying

crunch of breaking bones sounded under my fist. “Don’t…” Again this time, connecting with his teeth, driving them directly into my knuckles. “Talk about…” Laying into him, I pronounced every word with another hit to the face. “My momma, asshole!” The last blow knocked him out cold. Blood dripping from my hand, I dropped him on his ass. The scumbag flopped to the floor like a rag doll and Jimmy arrived at my side. I could barely hear his voice over the commotion, but I managed to catch him telling me to get my ass to the backroom and wait there. Figuring I couldn’t drive and there was more chance of running into a cop than a cab at that time of night, I swiped

my jacket from the back of my chair and scooped up the bottle of whisky on my way past. Once in the back room, which also doubled as Jimmy’s office, I slumped down on the leather sofa and took a long swig of the magic amber liquid in my hand. “What the hell you doing, Jude?” Trip slammed the door behind him and strolled over to me. “You trying to screw Jimmy over by fighting in his bar now?” “Fuck off.” Was all I had for Trip for the moment. I knew just as well as the next person that I’d royally screwed

up and lost Haven, but still, I was human and he looked like a good person to blame. “Get your head outta your ass, brother, and start with explaining why I’m here instead of at home loving on my wife?” Trip probably couldn’t have said anything more to annoy me. He had a wife. He had a family, had somebody who loved him. I dropped the bottle from my hand and stood up, charging at him with all I had left. My limbs sluggish and uncooperative. “Hey!” he cried out when I collided with him. Knocking us both to the ground, the wrestling match ensued. I could take Trip out on my worst day, but

today wasn’t just my worst day. It was beyond that. A few minutes of rolling around on the ground, me trying to get at him and him trying to push me away, I was unceremoniously grabbed by the back of the shirt and thrown at the wall. “No!” Mace roared. I had been so hell bent on hurting somebody, I hadn’t even heard him come in. I dropped my head back to the wall behind me, breathing heavily. I could feel my nostrils flaring and figured I looked something akin to a busted-up bull, by swinging my dick around hoping to slap somebody in the face with it. Short of screaming, ‘I am man hear me roar,’ I was playing the perfect part of a dumbass caveman. And I didn’t

particularly give a flying rat’s ass either. “Fuck this shit. I’m outta here,” I sneered with distaste. Mace and Trip were the last two people I wanted to see. I pushed off the wall and made for the door. Whisky bottle and jacket forgotten about. “You ain’t going anywhere. Sit your drunk ass down.” Mace left no room for discussion and moved to block the doorway with his larger-than-mine frame. I realized I had no energy left and I started to deflate. “I don’t got shit to say to either of you two bastards,” I shot out, walking over to the small single sink that butted

up against the back wall. As quickly as I could, I rinsed off my bloody knuckles and grabbed a handful of paper towels to dry them. “Jude.” Mace’s voice had lost its fierce unmovable anger and held a gentler tone. “This isn’t you. What the hell, brother?” “What the fuck do you care? You’ve been acting like I’m dead for the last three fucking months,” I jeered at him. “You don’t give a fuck. You’re busy being fucking happy. Both of you. Telling everyone they can’t have what you have. Telling me I’m not worth shit. Well guess what, asshole, I’m not. That what you wanted to hear?” I took a deep

breath and flicked my busted hand, trying aimlessly to stop the throb. “Now get out of my way and let me stay out of yours.” Hostile wasn’t the word for how I was feeling. Small, defeated, worthless and more than sorry for myself was more accurate. Simply put, I felt alone. “Hear me out. You don’t like what I have to say, then you can go.” Jude crossed his arms over his chest and looked directly at me. His eyes bore into mine, waiting for me to argue. “May as well. Won’t be anything I haven’t already heard,” I hissed. “I’m sorry.” He implored with a

strong steady voice. “I’m sorry, Jude. I had no right to be angry with you. I see now you loved her.” He took a stuttered breath and cleared his throat. “I was more hurt that you kept it from me. She’s my baby sister. It’s kind of like your kid dating. I overreacted, and by the time I realized, it was already too late. Or so I thought.” He dropped his hands by his side and continued, “You’re my family. She’s my family. I love you both and I won’t stand in the way of that now. I was wrong.” “Fuck me.” I dragged my hands down my face and held back the emotion that was bubbling to the surface. Trip stood off to the side leaning against the desk, a look of confusion on his face.

“I’ll leave you two—” Trip’s words were cut short by my own. “Too little too fucking late. She’s done with me. I didn’t fight when I had the chance and she’s done. She’s in love with that cocky motherfucking cowboy.” I dropped my head down and stared at the blood drops on my boots. “Don’t assume, Jude,” Mace argued back. “I’m not assuming. I went to see her. I told her I won’t stop loving her and she shut me down. She may as well have slapped me in the face with his dick.” I raised my head, conveying what

I couldn’t put into words. “That only leaves one thing to do then.” Mace frowned. The room stayed silent for a moment while he walked to the rows of storage shelves and picked up two bottles of whisky. “We get fucking wasted and try to forget.” Throwing a few notes on Jimmy’s desk, he walked out the office door and into the pub. Trip and I following behind as he bee lined for the parking lot.

Haven “Morning sugar.” Dylan’s rasping morning voice had my lips turning up at the ends. I buried my face deeper into the pillow and moaned at the feeling of his hands running slowly up and down the backs of my legs. “Waking up with you is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to do.” He nestled his nose into the side of my neck and ran his hand higher onto my bottom. “I’m really okay with this waking up thing myself.” I smiled still not moving for laying facedown on the bed.

One finger teased the edge of my panties while he dropped little kisses over my shoulder. My hips rose slightly, inviting him to stop teasing and get to the place I wanted him. “So impatient,” he mumbled teasingly against my skin. A sharp intake of breath was all I could answer with as he slid one finger under the small layer of lace that was my underwear, and slipped it inside of me. “I think I could happily tease you all morning.” His finger moved torturously slowly in and out, briefly stopping to rub my arousal over my clit, then sliding back inside.

“Dylan… don’t be mean.” I moaned breathlessly. Another finger joined the first as he moved his mouth lower down my back, never once straying from his mischievous hand action. “What do you want, sugar?” He dragged his teeth gently over the top of my panties and pulled them down slightly. His fingers matching his lazy, slow pace. “I want you. I want all of you.” I told him, arching my hips back and forth, trying to relieve the heat building between my legs. “You’ve got all of me, Haven,” he

replied in earnest. “You’ll always have everything I have left to give.” His words were sweet and honest, leaving no room for question. Dylan would love me until he was no longer able. He pulled his finger away and removed my lace boy shorts. “Oh, Dylan,” I groaned when he shifted to kneel between my legs. “Please,” I begged when he leaned down, nibbling on my bum cheek. His hand glided down to my aching clit. Ever so gently, he lifted my hips up until I had my bottom in the air and my face nestled into the pillow. Within seconds, his mouth was on me. Lapping and sucking all my needy spots. His

thumb flicked tenderly over that bundle of nerves until I was all but grinding on his face. “You’re going to make me come. Holy— oh!” I cried out when he darted his tongue inside of me. I could feel the world getting smaller as the wave of pleasure came down on me. Dylan flicked his thumb in a circle once more and I screamed out in ecstasy. “Dylan! Oh, my God!” I keened. “Oh!” He suckled harder and gently let go. Pulling back, he held my hips in the air and moved closer behind me, rubbing the head of his dick against my throbbing pussy.

“Is that what you were hoping to wake up to?” he asked, while he pushed inside, filling me perfectly. I gripped the pillow under my face and moaned loud and long. I couldn’t imagine being woken up in any other way. Dylan was spoiling me to the point I’d be ruined without him. He’d set a different side of me on fire. A side I didn’t know existed. With Dylan, I found I was softer. I was tender, and wanted to be just as gentle with him as he was with me. I didn’t have the cravings for hard and raw, like I once had with Jude. It was as if that part faded away when he did. My hips moved in time with his, our sweat-slicked bodies gliding against

one another. His mouth descended against my neck as his movement become frenzied and my release drew closer still. He gasped and gripped my hips tighter, coming inside me as having every last piece of him pushed me over the edge and into paradise. “You’re so beautiful. It almost hurts to look at you, darlin’,” Dylan crooned against my ear. “I love seeing you with a glow like this. And it makes me happy to know I put it there.” My responding smile, along with a hum of satisfaction was all I could muster. I was happily spent and the day hadn’t even started. Lying tangled on top of the blue sheets, we caught our breath as we stared out the window, watching the sun turn the

darkened sky bright. “What do you want to do today, sugar?” Dylan asked me between kisses while I ran my fingers gently up and down his stomach. “Whatever you want to do. I don’t care, so long as you’re there, I’m happy,” I told him, feeling a blush spread across my cheeks. Our little bubble was full of so many sweet words and loving actions that I didn’t realize how cheesy I might be sounding at times. “I can’t imagine anything better than spending my time with you and your beautiful face.” Dylan moved his lips from one pink cheek to the other, kissing

away my worries. I was feeling like the luckiest woman in the world, and even knowing I wouldn’t have him forever, I chose to pretend our reality was absent of the sadness that came with his illness. He moved to get up, my body unyielding to his advances of leaving our nest. “No,” I whined, “not quite yet. Let’s just lay here for a few more minutes. Then we can get our day started.” Dylan settled back against the headboard, pulling me to his chest once again. “Sugar, if you want to never leave this bed again, that would be fine by

me.” He smiled down at my upturned face and kissed my nose. “But, we do have to eat.” The rest of our day was filled with so many smiles and loving moments. A touch here, a kiss there. We found our way out of bed mid-morning and headed to the local coffee shop. We held hands, well, pinkies anyway, and chatted in line with the older couple in front of us. They had been married fifty-five years and loved each other more every day. It was beautiful and sad knowing Dylan and I would never have that, but I refused to let it get me down. I had the now.

Later, we shared movies and tickles in bed. Laughter, which I hadn’t heard come from my own mouth in many years, bubbled to the surface. Dylan had me cracking up at his corny jokes and silly impressions. He was showing me the sweetness I had been missing. We didn’t have to hide. We weren’t keeping our love a secret; we were showing anyone who cared to see just how much we loved each other. And it was glorious.

Jude I rolled out of bed and made a beeline for the bathroom, hoping to rid myself of the cottonmouth that only came from another night of whiskey before bed. For months, I’d watched from a far as Haven and her cowboy publicly flaunted their relationship. She smiled almost all of the time. I rarely saw her without him and never had I seen a moment where she wasn’t shining with contentment. It had been a solid sixty-eight days since she’d told me she loved him. Since

I’d gone back to Mace’s house and spilled my guts. Sixty-eight torturous days since I wanted to believe she didn’t really love him but, and try as I might, I hadn’t seen an instant where their relationship and feelings weren’t clear. I wanted to keep the hope alive that someday she’d come back to me, but it was fading, fast. She loved him. She was joyful and I was drowning every night in amber liquid. As soon as the boys were asleep, I was pouring a whiskey on the rocks and sitting in the darkness of my room. Going over how I could have changed things and how I wanted to be the bigger person and say it didn’t matter so long as she was happy. I’d be lying though. I liked that she was happy, but I

would have much preferred she be happy with me. I missed her and I craved her. My life was empty without her…just like yet another bottle.

Haven Six and a half months. That was how long it’d been since I closed one chapter and started another. One hundred and eighty glorious days with a man who loved me in a way no man had ever loved me. We’ve shared more meals, conversations, sweet-nothings, hands held, stolen glances, and fevered kisses in those last months than I could count. Who knew that six months ago, a stranger would walk into my life and steal my heart away, while turning my world upside down and making me believe I was cherished and loved. I discovered he loved to wrap our

pinkies together when we walked down the sidewalk. It was a simple gesture; a pinky-promise saying he’d never leave me. We may be on borrowed time, but I was blissfully happy and refused to think about when it might end. Once I learned Dylan was only temporarily renting his place—he hadn’t been planning on staying long so he didn’t sign a full year lease—it worked out to our advantage, because last month, we decided to move in together. It seemed like the logical thing to do considering we slept in the same bed every night anyway. Either I at his place or he was at mine. There was really no sense in keeping his place, which was mostly barren of…well, anything.

Making new memories with Dylan in my apartment was one of my favorite parts. It became our apartment. Along with living together, I gathered some rather fascinating things. Dylan is a fabulous cook, but he colorcodes his food. He didn’t like for things to touch on his plate, so serving was always a chore. He used separate containers when he could, and he only ate one thing at a time. The plus side was he loved to wash the dishes, so I never complained about how many place settings he would put to use for a single meal. He was also crazy tidy. If I wasn’t out of bed, he’d make it with me in it. It

made me laugh every time when he made me into a blanket taco, almost daily. Some days I’d coax him back to the softness of the sheets and my warm body with promises of sweet desserts and happy endings. It usually worked. I loved that he didn’t leave hair in the sink, or the toilet seat up. He had fast become the organization to my chaos. My closet had a floor again, and the top shelf was since filled with boxes of our memories. We documented everything. He wanted me to have a forever memory of him, something I could think about and remember, to get through the pain of losing him. In the last two months, we’d filled up two boxes with pictures, brochures, movie tickets, sweet notes,

dried flowers, even napkins from our favorite restaurants. It was been amazing making memories of us; every sad to silly moment counted. Dylan frequently made stupid jokes that I found hilarious, ranging from cheesy one-liners to long, drawn out ‘three guys walked into a bar’ jokes. Most were just awful, but I couldn’t help myself, and would giggle every time. Yes, he still made me giggle, like a schoolgirl some days. We never argued. It was one of those relationships where everything just fell together. We were completely in sync. He knew when I was testy or hormonal and would stay silent, offering

up chocolate and wine. I knew that when he was nervous or in pain, he paced. I did my part to listen and encourage. We’d had plenty of nervous days with the never-ending tests and checkups for pain management. But I wouldn’t trade any of it. Not one single moment of being with Dylan would I regret for all my life. Despite being my complete opposite, he filled every jagged hole in my heart perfectly. He was my knight in shining armor, and Prince Charming wrapped up in one sweet, southern, cowboy package. We just…fit. My mind drifted to one of the many

memories Dylan and I had made together. I skirted around him and snatched the bottle of wine that sat on the other side of him. Dylan reached out with his grabby hands and squeezed my bum, trying to distract me again. “And just what do you think you’re doing, cowboy?” Reaching up to pull down two wine glasses from the cabinet above my head, I laughed. “I’m giving my compliments to the chef.” He came up behind me and placed his hands on the bare skin where my shirt had ridden up. He dropped a kiss on my neck and ran his

hands around the front of my abdomen. “Is this how you thank everyone who cooks for you?” I gently put the wine glasses down on the counter in front of me, and turned the silver twisttop lid off the bottle. “Only the really special ones.” I felt his lips tip up into a smirk against my skin before I heard his snicker. “Don’t be a tease.” I laughed with him. Dylan spun me around and pressed me up against the kitchen counter. I felt his excitement before he fully pressed against me, his erection large

and in charge. "Is that a gun your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" I quipped, my expression matching his. "Oh, sugar, you know it's always you. I'm never armed with more than what you see before you. Every inch belongs to you and I fully intend on using that to my utmost advantage." His words were rough and low, a promise of what was to come. "I like what you're sayin', cowboy. Why don't you take me to bed and show off what you’re packin’?" I shivered in anticipation, but didn't wait for a response. I turned in his grasp and let my ass rub against him. I slowly turned

the cap on the wine, and poured two generous glasses. I picked each up and handed one to Dylan as I took a sip from the other. "Yummm…" My lips made a loud smacking sound as I swallowed. The flavors of pear and honeysuckle fresh on my tongue. He watched as I took another swallow of the sweet white Pinot; each time I made a different sound of enjoyment. "Boy, what I wouldn't give to be that glass or that wine. He took a swig of his own. "Those sounds you’re making sure it make it difficult to keep my hands to myself."

I looked at Dylan, my eyes sparkling. "Then don't." And with that, he took my glass, set them both on the counter and threw me over his shoulder. My hair fell into my face and I started to sputter through the laughter that had attacked my system. "Put me down, caveman!" I scolded, my words holding no merit between fits of giggles. He swatted my butt as he walked down the hall. "Calm yourself, woman. I need to take you to bed."

Jude This was what living hell felt like. I stood no more than ten-foot from the glowing happy couple who stood cuddled up, laughing and blissful. My heart lay under Haven’s six-inch purple heels, and she was none the wiser. Family barbeques were now my own personal nightmare. I walked into the kitchen, attempting to get as far away from the happy couple as possible. The boys were outside running circles around the adults in their chairs, chatting about whatever the day had brought them. I

could hear their delighted screams when someone would catch them briefly for a tickle or a kiss. A kiss. That kiss. The last one I had with Haven before she ripped my heart to shreds on her living room floor. A kiss I just witnessed between her and dickwad outside. I slammed my palms to the counter and hung my head. “Mother —” “Don’t even think about finishing that sentence in my house, mijo.” Ma came into the kitchen wiping her hands on her apron. “What’s the matter that you have to swear like that, hmm?” Her large brown eyes stared at me, wide with concern.

“I love your daughter,” I blurted. Her gasp had me second-guessing my confession. “Mace didn’t tell you?” I asked, shocked he would keep something like that from his mother. “I thought for sure he would’ve said something…but don’t worry. I also know she doesn’t love me and I’m not going to cause problems for her with McFu—Dylan.” I hung my head and shrugged, waiting for Maria to say something. She didn’t. She just stared at me. Her expression was filled with pure adoration as she walked up to where I was and put both of her hands on my face. “You, my son, are a good man.” She kissed both cheeks and continued,

“My Haven is a lucky girl. She has two men who love her.” I saw her smile falter as she paused to gather her words. “Just remember, old love can be made new again under extenuating circumstances.” She patted my scrufflined jaw and moved toward the stove. “Can you please go check on the barbeque? I don’t know if your brothers are watching it.” And just like that, I was dismissed. Her words not lost on me as I made my way back to the hell-on-earth backyard, where the love of my life was basking in the glow of the love of hers.

Haven Spending the day with Dylan, while surrounded by my family was everything I had hoped it would be. The sun was shining but it wasn’t too hot. A light breeze blew every so often, rustling the leaves in the trees and lifting my skirt. I had to hold it down a few times, the gusts pulling up Marilyn-Monroe style; the fact I was without panties was definitely not something I wanted to share with the world. Dylan and I laughed as we talked with my Tia, and my Abuela, cracking inappropriate jokes at his expense. It

was no secret they adored Dylan. I loved how freely they accepted him into our family unit. I even caught one of them trying to steal a kiss. Dylan being ever the gentleman, quietly obliged, his face crimson from bashfulness. “Abuela, you’re so bad!” I admonished. “Leave my boyfriend alone.” I smiled and tsked her when she looked back at me, a devious grin on her face. “Oh, Haven!” She swatted my bottom. “There’s plenty to go around. Humor an old lady.” With that, she turned back toward Dylan, grabbed his flushed cheeks and laid a nice, wet kiss on his plump, pink lips.

The laughter that followed was our soundtrack for the day. If it weren’t for Dylan being by my side, I may have crumbled being there. As it was, I cringed when I spotted my mother kissing his cheeks in the kitchen. I knew she loved him like a son. It just didn’t make it any easier to see him with all the other people I loved. I felt torn. I loved Jaxson and Jordan more than anything, and I knew Ma did too. Because of them, I would endure seeing Jude over and over again. I just hoped it didn’t do more harm than good when it came to his feelings for me.

He had made his choice and I had made mine. I loved Dylan and I wouldn’t hide it, nor would I pretend everything was okay with Jude when it wasn’t. Finally over him, I had moved on and found a light in my darkness. It may only be temporary, but I was going to hold on with everything, I had until Dylan’s last breath. I only hoped Jude would someday find the same thing. Someone to love and cherish him, to give him the love he too deserved. “Hey, sugar, where’d you go?” Dylan’s query broke through my thoughts like the sun after a thunderstorm.

I gave him a warm smile. “Just thinking about my family.” A look of sadness swept across Dylan’s face, but he recovered and quirked his lip up at me. “Your family is pretty amazing, Haven. You are very blessed to have this many people who love and care about you.” He nodded to my cousins as they walked by, chatting idly about what games they saw or something of the sort. “Your grandma,” he shook his head, “Abuela, sorry. She’s probably my favorite person ever. And not a bad kisser either.” I let out a full-on belly laugh with his proclamation, grabbing my stomach and leaning forward to emphasize the reaction.

“What?” He looked surprised. “I’m serious, I bet she was a man-eater in her day!” I couldn’t help it, my laughter rang out through the yard and everyone seemed to stop in their tracks, watching the spectacle I was making of myself. When I could finally catch my breath, I shooed everyone away and turned toward my man. “You are something else. I love you.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. “Oh, she’s got nothing on you, sugar,” Dylan murmured, his forehead resting against mine. He kissed me again, melding his mouth with mine, our tongues dancing and swirling with an

affectionate passion that I’d come to know and expect when he kissed me. It was my lift-off into bliss. That soaring feeling I got whenever he touched me. That affliction I’d come to crave from him. With him. Dylan replaced the dark with light and the only thing I couldn’t get enough of was him. “What do you say we get out of here so I can love you properly without your family as an audience?” Dylan wrinkled his nose and pressed it to my forehead, his lips in line with my nose. “I know you don’t have panties on under that dress, sugar. How long did you think I’d be able to stand not having my hands on you?” He was full of naughty

promises in the sweetest possible way. I couldn’t wait to spend the night, just like every night, loving on Dylan. “I’ll talk to Ma and see how much longer it will be before dinner. We can’t leave until we’ve at least eaten—you know she’s gone through a mess of trouble to get us all here.” I batted my eyelashes. “And no one is fighting. C’mon, let’s go see if we can help.” Clasping his pinky with mine, I led us toward the rest of the party. I turned and looked back at the man who held my hand and my heart. “Guess you’ll have to wait and see what I have under this dress…or don’t for that matter.”

I turned back as I felt Dylan’s hand clasped to mine sweep across my bottom and onto my lower back. He gave me a little squeeze. “Don’t tease, sugar,” he breathed into my hair, before pulling back a respectable distance and resuming his hold on my pinky with his. I blushed. Hard. This man had me wrapped up in him and I never wanted to come undone.

“Dyl?” I pushed up off the bed and

called out again, “Dyl, You okay?” Silence. “Dylan?” Cold fear washed over me. The second he stood from bed, he’d looked pale and made a run for the bathroom. The sounds that followed were hard to listen to. His sickness was getting worse and instead of waking and spending an hour cuddling in bed, he’d head straight to the bathroom and vomit until there was nothing left in his stomach. I hated so much that I couldn’t help him. I felt useless. He was sick and I couldn’t do a damn thing to help him. I turned the bathroom door handle and pushed. “Dylan?” I called as I

walked in. His crumpled body, lying face down on the floor, made my heart stop in its place. "Dylan!" I screeched, my heart falling into the pit of my stomach as I ran to his side and dropped to my knees. Scolding hot lava pierced my heart, turning my body numb. Fear unlike any I had ever experienced threatened to swallow me completely as my unresponsive body struggled to catch up with the racing of my mind. I turned him over. Feeling for a pulse, my prayers mixed with pleas for him to be okay. I yelled louder, my dread unbearable, while unable to hear over the blood roaring in my ears. My racing heart was anxious to leave my chest and beat inside his. Forcing myself

to move, I shot up off the ground and ran for the phone the moment I found his present, but weak, heartbeat. “Stay with me, Dyl,” I cried, calling 911. “I need paramedics. Hurry, please!” I grabbed his clammy hand and held it tightly, praying to God, this wasn't the moment I would lose him. Not lying on the cold bathroom floor of our apartment. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end and I'd be damned if I would give up, I wasn't ready to say goodbye and I would sell my soul to the devil himself if I had to in order to afford me more time. I wanted, no, needed more time. "Please hurry! I can't lose him."

“Can you please tell me what the hell is happening?” I begged the older nurse at the hospital reception. “The doctor will be out in just a minute, dear. I’m sorry but I can’t tell you anything else right now.” She looked at me sympathetically and guided me back to the empty row of chairs at the back of the room. “Can I call anyone for you?” “I…umm.” I mulled her question around in my head for a moment before

frowning. “No. There’s nobody to call,” I told her. Dylan had no one. He had no family, no ties to anyone but me. I was the last person he had. The memory of him would die with me…just like he would. I sent up the millionth prayer asking for more time. “Miss Torres?” a professional male voice called. I looked up from my hands that lay limp in my lap. “Yes,” I answered in a croaky voice. “That’s me.” I shot up out of my seat over to the doctor who’d just come from behind the large white doors which separated Dylan and myself for the last two hours.

“Miss Torres. You’re listed as Dylan’s next of kin.” He looked solemn and full of news I didn’t think he wanted to give me. “Can you come with me, please?” I followed behind him the loud beeps of machines clouding my mind. The strong smell of antiseptic overwhelmed me, bringing back unpleasant memories of a time in my life when I was the one attached to those machines. The beeping reminiscent of an annoying child banging on a table in a quiet restaurant, the sterile smell of medicine to mask the stench of death that lurked behind each curtain. My stomach threatened to upturn its contents at the thought of how close I was to death, and

now it felt like I was experiencing it all over through someone else's mind and body, Dylan's. “Through here, please.” The Doctor led me into a stark white room filled with a small lounge setting and a coffee table with nothing but an open box of tissues on it. “Why are we in here? Where’s Dylan? What’s going on? Is he okay?” I fired my questions at him thinking the worst. This little room was where they took families to tell them their loved ones had died…I was sure of it. Tears flowed down my face again. Sobbing, I asked again. “Where is he?”

“He is alive, Miss Torres.” The doctor passed me a tissue and took a seat, indicating for me to do the same thing. “Please sit. I need to give you some details.” “Oh, thank God!” I plopped down onto the cracked leather sofa and tried to dry my face with the tiny piece of white material. “How bad is it?” I knew even before the question left my mouth, he wasn’t going to tell me anything I didn’t already know in my heart. I was losing him. Fast. “Well, as you already know Dylan has brain cancer. He’s not been receiving any treatments for quite some time now and vastly outlived any of our

initial expectations.” I scanned the doctor’s nametag which sat above his pocket. Dr. Polouski. Nodding, I pulled another tissue from its cardboard box and blew my nose. “Now, Dylan had done tremendously well until recently; however, he’s taken a rather bad turn. This morning, after he was admitted, he had a particularly nasty seizure.” He put the clipboard he had been holding down on the coffee table between us. “Dylan’s health is deteriorating quickly. The seizures indicate his brain is not coping

any longer. His organs are weakening and he’s not able to function normally at this point.” I pulled in a shaky “Seizures? Are you sure?”

breath.

“I’m afraid so, Miss Torres.” The doctor seemed to steel himself before opening his mouth. “He’s growing weaker, and the next few weeks will be hard on his body and mind.” Staring blankly, unable to grasp what he’d just told me, I made no sound. Dr. Polouski reached out and laid his hand over mine. “His body is giving up. He doesn’t have longer than a few

weeks left, Miss Torres. I’m terribly sorry. You should start making arrangements for him now. When the time comes, you won’t be in the right frame of mind.” The doctor looked at my swollen face. “Are you aware of Dylan’s last wishes? Do you know if he has a last will and testament?” His eyes were kind but detached. One sentence and my heart shattered, splintering shards though my chest. “I need to see him.” I jumped up out of my chair. The only thing I could focus on was getting to him. “Yes, ma’am. I’ll take you to him now.” The doctor stood and walked to the door. Before opening it, he stopped

and turned to me. “Please understand it might look scary. There are a lot of tubes and wires attached to him right now. He looks as unwell as he is. It can be quite confronting for loved ones to see.” “I understand. Please, I just need to see him,” I begged, not realizing just how terrifying it would be to see him like that. A few turns in the long corridors and we came to a light blue curtain that looked identical to the rest of them. “If you need anything, the nurses’ station is just over there.” The doctor pointed to a large desk buzzing with people coming and going.

I nodded and moved forward, my feet feeling like they weighed a ton. I lifted my equally heavy hand and pulled the curtain back enough to step inside. No matter how much you think you are ready, nothing truly prepares you to see somebody you love lying in a hospital bed, looking as pale as a ghost. With tubes, wires and an assortment of machines hooked up to his frail body, I swallowed back my instinct to wail and throw myself at him. “Dyl?” I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth. The tears I’d managed to stop, spilled over and ran down my cheeks again. “Sugar.” He attempted a smile but stopped short. “Don’t cry, sugar.” His

voice was raspy and sounded shallow. “Come.” He was out of breath with just a few words. I rushed to his side, being mindful of the medical equipment. “Oh, God, Dylan.” I reached out to touch him only to stop and hover over the top of him unsure where I could touch him or if I could at all. “I- I don’t know where I can—” I moved my hands back and he reached one of his own out slightly to grasp me. “I love you,” I told him through my sobs. “I was so scared. I love you so much, Dylan.” “It’s okay, sugar.” His eyelids closed and he took a stuttered breath. “I’m here.” He loosened his grip on my hand slightly and panic hit me like a

semi-truck all over again. I hit the little red call button and a nurse rushed in a second later. “He— I—” My words were lost in an abyss of fear, grief and terror. “He’s okay, dear,” the nurse assured me, scanning the monitors around us. “He’ll be very drowsy right now.” She came closer and patted me on the shoulder kindly. “You’ll find he’ll fall asleep often. His body is trying to recover a little.” “Oh, I’m sorry. I panicked,” I apologized to the plump older lady who smelled of musk and disinfectant.

“It’s quite all right, sweet girl. Anytime you are worried, you just call out and we’ll be right over.” She smiled sadly at me. Something in her eyes said she’d seen this same situation before and it had stolen a little piece of her own heart. I looked down at Dylan and closed my eyes. He was going and I was powerless to stop it. I wasn’t sure my heart could handle what was to come.

Jude Sitting around the living room at Mace’s house, I was torn in two. Not moments ago, Teeny’s cellphone had rung. The news that followed had everyone in a silent sorrow. “What did she Scarlett asked Teeny.

say exactly?”

“She said Dylan was sick and they were at the hospital,” Teeny explained woefully. “She asked if we can meet her at her apartment in half an hour. She needs our help.” Teeny blinked and a looked right at me.

“Jude…I um. I don’t know if it’s such a good idea if you come.” Her words stung; though I knew she was right. I didn’t want to cause any discomfort or awkwardness, but every part of my being was screaming at me to go to her. To hold her and make whatever hurt better again. “I’ll watch the kids here,” I told her, feeling everyone’s eyes on me. “Just make sure she’s all right.” I nodded and excused myself from the room, poking my head out the back to make sure Jaxson and Jordan weren’t up to no good. “Jude?” Teeny came into the room and quietly spoke behind me. “I’ll

message you as soon as we find out what’s going on. Are you sure you’re okay with the kids?” I spun around and faked a halfassed smile. “Course I am. Javerio will be fine. Go.” “He should stay asleep for another half an hour at least.” Teeny walked up to me and laid a caring kiss on my cheek. “We’ll be back soon.” I nodded and watched from the corner of my eye as everyone clambered out the front door. “It has to stop hurting soon.” I aimlessly rubbed a hand across my chest, trying in vain to sooth the pain that never seemed to leave.

I glanced down at the cellphone in my hand and threw it back onto the kitchen bench. “Come on already,” I grouched at the empty room. It had been three hours and I’d still heard nothing. The twins were in the front room watching a movie about robots or some crap like that. I heard Javerio’s giggle as I walked past the playpen where he sat playing with his toys. I paced a few times and picked him up. “You ready to eat, little dude?” He smiled and shoved his fist in his mouth, coating it in drool. “It’ll keep me distracted and I’m sure mommy won’t mind missing the mess you’ll make.” I scrunched up my face remembering the

mess the twins used to make at that age with a small bowl or pureed food. “Here comes the plane. Brrrrr.” I soared his spoon through the air making plane sounds in the hopes he’d open his mouth and let me shove some more strained peas in there. My eyes flicked over to the clock again. Three hours and thirty-five minutes. “More?” I cooed, looking back at the messy little boy sitting in his highchair. “Ready—” The front door swung open and in walked Teeny, Trip, Scarlet and Mace. Teeny made a beeline for her son while everyone else looked stunned and worn out. “Well?” I asked as Teeny swept

Javerio up in her arms, laying kisses on him and not seeming to notice the fact that he was covered in food. “Somebody tell me what the fuck is going on.” I threw my hands up in the air impatiently. “Dylan has cancer,” Scarlett told me, dropping down on the sofa solemnly. “He’s dying.” In an instant, I felt the strongest need to go to her and hold her in my arms. To lie and tell her everything would work out okay. Everything would be all right and she wouldn’t hurt. I slid down onto the closest spare seat and frowned. I’d hit him. I’d made him feel less than welcome, treated him like shit, and the entire time he was sick. “I’m

such a prick,” I chastised myself. Mace walked up behind me and squeezed my shoulder. “A bit, yeah.” He was always the one to be honest, even in a horrible situation. “But, nothing you did made him sick. He probably didn’t need a smack to the face, but he was already diagnosed and ill when it happened.” “I have to see her.” I looked up from the floor to the door. “How is she?” It was probably the world’s stupidest question, but I needed somebody to tell me how she was. “She’s had a rough day. Dylan had a turn for the worst this morning,”

Scarlett interjected. “But she’s strong, Jude.” Scarlett didn’t know how strong Haven really was, but I did, and I knew even the strongest part of the woman I loved couldn’t withstand losing the man she loved. “Now that we know, we made sure to tell her we can help anyway possible, but I think the best thing for her is to let her have whatever time she’s got left with him and just be there when she needs us.” Scarlett sighed heavily and rubbed her temples. “And she will need us.”

Haven “That’s not funny, Dyl.” I pouted, emotions bubbling to the surface again. “What?” He gave me look of confusion. “It’s my funeral. I should be able to have whatever I want.” He smiled. It was still dazzling, despite him being bedridden and weak. “Yeah, but this is how people will remember you, Dyl. I couldn’t stand there and watch people make a mockery of your life.” I was whining now, my frustration showing at his complete nonchalance over the entire situation.

“Hey, hey, I’m not dead yet, Haven. I just want to have some fun. I want people to remember the funny parts of me, the parts that made them laugh, made you laugh.” He tipped his chin down to catch my eyes. “Look at me, sugar. It’s no big deal. Really.” I threw my hands in the air. “Fine!” I exclaimed. “You want stupid yo momma jokes, people to wear dumb mocking t-shirts, rubber ducks and a clown car, fine!” I turned away, tears stinging my eyes. I couldn’t believe that would be my last memory of Dylan. But if he wanted it, I would do what I could to honor him. I wiped my face, and turned back

toward him, and lay in the bed beside his sickly body. “Okay, let’s start planning these jokes,” I said through a sad smile. “That’s my girl.” He clasped my pinky in his. “How about…Yo momma so fat, her belt size is Equator.” I couldn’t help it. I barked out a laugh. “You are too much, Dylan Highsmith.” The laughter spread from my cheeks to my eyes, the crinkles at the corners expressing my glee at his silly jesting. “Maybe, but I need to do it, sugar. Hey, laughter is the best medicine, right?” He raised his frail hand and

pushed the hair from my face. “You want to do this? Plan your funeral?” I questioned. I was torn, I didn’t want him to have to do anything alone, but I didn’t want to think about him lying in a casket in the ground. Ridiculous ducks that would morbidly lay all around him, their cheerful eyes and open beaks forever in a silent smile. I cringed. There wasn’t enough things in the world that could show how much I loved this man, least of all rubber duckies. “Like I said, sugar, I want people to think of me and smile, even if it was because of my funeral. I’d like your help, if you want to help me.” He pushed

himself up to a sitting position on our bed. I rushed over to his side and propped some extra pillows up behind his head. There was a nurse who came daily now, the hospital no longer able to do anything but make him comfortable. Truth was, he’d be more comfortable at home, in our bed, with me. I wanted every second with him, and with him living his last days at home, I had that opportunity. When I’d come home to shower and change while Dylan was still in the hospital, I’d called Teeny to get everyone over here. I’d needed their help in setting my apartment up for Dylan. They’d run around picking up anything and everything we could think

of that would make him more comfortable, new fluffy pillows, a side table on wheels like the hospitals had, an ice machine and a new TV for the bedroom. Mace even picked up a game console so Dylan wouldn’t be bored lying in bed listening to me talk all day. They’d also given me paid leave from work so I could afford to stay home from work and take care of him. Dylan grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes. “Sugar, if you don’t want to, it’s okay. I won’t be hurt.” “No, it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s…well. I don’t know how I can say this.” I sat on the bed beside him, not letting go of his hand for a second.

“Nothing is going to be good enough. And I just can’t wrap my head around your requests…a clown car, really?” My face scrunched in disappointment. He laughed feebly. “Oh, sugar.” And with that, he closed his eyes. I sighed and tumbled his words over in my mind. If he wanted my help, I would help in any way I could. I would honor him, the man who breezed into my life and stole my heart. Not able to just sit, idle hands being my worst enemy, I set out working on Dylan's requests. Starting from the beginning, I figured I would check into funeral homes first, check for

availability. After all, people planned to die every day, right? While Dylan slept, I scrolled through the yellow pages in my phone. “Let’s see, let’s see…” I browsed the listings for local funeral homes. “Bissel Funeral Home, Winkenhoffer, Dignity… where do people come up with these names?” I mused aloud. They were almost as bad as his wishes. I narrowed my search. Maybe he wanted to be cremated? What about a burial? Would that be better? There was only one cemetery… “Ugh, this is awful.” I tossed my phone on the table and went to grab a

pen and paper. I needed to make a list. A list of things that needed to be taken care of. I didn’t want Dylan to worry about anything. All I wanted him to do was focus on feeling better so I could postpone my goodbyes. I wrote down everything that could possibly be done for a funeral service, with the help of Google of course. “Good Lord, this like planning a wedding…to Jesus. I have to pick a suit, transportation, decorations, church—” I heard a bit of chuckling, followed by a cough. “Oh, Haven. I love you, darlin’.” I looked up to see Dylan smiling at me from his bed. “I have a suit, so you can mark that off your list.” His gaunt

features competed with his warm gaze. “I love you, too, Dylan. I just hope that I can reflect who you are to me and honor your memor—” I choked up on the last words. “Damn it, we are talking like you’re already dead. This is so hard.” “Shh…come here.” He lifted just his pinkie finger, sparking the memories of days when we would hold hands, just our baby fingers locked in an embrace. It was our thing; something I would hold on to long after he left me. Tears stung my eyelids as I made my way to his bedside. I wrapped my finger around his and placed my other hand over top. His skin felt cold against

my fiery palm. I sniffled. “So, maybe some input? Like real input, I can’t—I can’t let you go to a final resting place in a clown car.” He rasped out a short laugh. “Seriously, Dylan. I’m walking in blind here. I’ve never planned a funeral before, especially not one suitable for Ronald McDonald.” He looked at me through lowered lashes. I could see he was fighting to stay awake. “I like carnations,” he whispered. “And you can choose any church you want. I’m not picky.” His breath became labored as he powered through whatever it was he wanted to tell me. “Go with Dignity Funeral Home. I like the name. It makes me sound like I had a choice in the matter of my life and

death.” I smiled, the tears steadily falling down my face. I rubbed his hand. “Okay Dyl. I’ll take care of everything. But please, please, wait just a little bit longer. I’m not ready yet.” I saw his chest rise in a sigh, but his breathing was so shallow, no noise came from his mouth. “I’ll try, sugar. For as long as I can.” His eyes closed, a silent snore rumbled his lips and his hand went limp in mine. Dylan was fading away from my life and I couldn’t bear the thought of when the day actually came for me to say goodbye.

Jude Her smile was gone. She walked with so much sadness. I saw her come and go from the store across the road from my garage, looking exhausted and drained. She looked like I felt. I imagined she felt worse though… I couldn’t even imagine losing her forever. Knowing she was alive was a consolation to knowing I couldn’t have her. Her pain was my pain. There was nothing more than I wanted, but take it away for her. I wanted to shoulder it. Dylan called me yesterday. I didn’t

recognize the number so I let it ring, but he left a message. “Jude, Haven doesn’t know I’m calling you but I need a favor. I’ve never lied to her or kept anything from her, but I’m breaking that promise right now.” He took a breath; it was loud, as if he had trouble. “She’s gonna need someone when I’m gone and she’s too stubborn to admit that. I’m telling you, I want it to be you. I need it to be you…she needs it to be you. Please, take care of our girl.” I could hear the emotion behind his voice. I knew this was hard for him. “Haven still loves you, Jude. Be

the man she needs you to be. Take care of her.” And with that, he hung up. No request to call him back, nothing. He didn’t even ask me not to tell her, which I thought was odd since he was keeping it from Haven himself. Well, damn it! I'd wanted to take care of her for a long time. Haven was the type of girl a man wanted to take care of. Love and cherish. I wanted to be that man. I would be that man. Haven deserved to love and be loved. Dylan had shown her that, and for his gift to her, I was thankful. I just hoped she was accepting of me once he

was gone. I clicked save on my voicemail. Chances were I’d need proof of what Dylan’s request was of me. Regardless, I would take care of Haven. Whether she wanted me to or not, I couldn’t deny a dying man’s wishes.

Haven Lying wrapped up in Dylan’s arms, I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my face knowing this might very well be the last time I would be held by him. My nights were spent wondering when that moment would come, when I had to say goodbye. My throat felt like it was on fire and I tried in vain to swallow down the lump stuck there. His body looked so tired and I knew the only thing keeping him in a deep sleep were the painkillers. The lights where low and the soft slow sounds of music came from the stereo speakers, while the world outside

completely oblivious to the fact that I was losing him. He was slipping away from me with every second that passed by. “Sugar,” he rasped out. “Promise me something?” His breathing was sluggish as he tried to speak clearly. “Anything, Dyl.” I moved my hand up to his chest, resting my palm there, waiting for his request. I’d promise him anything. “Let him take care of you.” He struggled to take another breath and spoke again. “Don’t shut him out anymore. I know you love me, but I’ve always known you’ll never stop loving

him. And that’s okay, darlin’.” My throat was closing. This was his dying wish? He wanted me to promise that of all things as he struggled through his last breath? I buried my face against his ribs and tired not to break…again. Fighting the sob clinging to my chest, I swallowed, pushing past the angry lump in my throat. Yes, I was angry. Not only was my heart being ripped out from within my soon-to-be hollow chest, but his request pulled apart and tugged at the carefully created denial I had been living all of these years. Fighting for breath, I fought for control. I desperately wanted to deny his

words and was at the point of begging God for it to be over. I couldn’t take anymore. Unbidden, a fierce sob erupted, echoing around the room. Shaking my head in denial, I battled the words I knew he needed to hear. “Sugar, I know you love me,” he rasped again. I dared not look at his beautiful face, knowing I’d see so much pain in his features. Illness had taken the Dylan I was used to waking up to away. He’d lost so much weight he barely resembled his old healthy self. His face was gaunt and his eye sockets hollow. My own body hurt just looking at him and the pain he was constantly in. I couldn’t

count the times I’d dropped to my knees and prayed to the gods or Heaven, or any greater power that might be out there, for a little relief for my sweet cowboy. As he drifted off to sleep again, I whispered those words aloud, knowing full well it might be the first and only time I would lie to the man I loved. “I promise, Dylan”.

The gurgling sound that woke me was a noise I would never forget. I shot up in bed and looked around the dimly

lit room; my chest thudding like a stampede of animals was running through it. Struggling to take in a breath, Dylan lay beside me. His lips pale and his eyes lacking anything other than tiredness. Panic kicked in and the instinct to call for help took over. “Dylan!” I cried, reaching above him for the phone that lay on his bedside table. He shook his head and moved his hand up to grab my arm. “No.” That one fragmented one-syllable word broke me apart on the spot. He was leaving me. It was time for him to go and he was asking me not to stop it.

Asking me not to call an ambulance and prolong it any more. Unstoppable tears poured down my cheeks as I looked into the face of the man I loved so deeply, as I was made to watch him die. Not next week, not tomorrow, not even soon. Right there he was taking his last breaths. “What can I do, Dylan? What do I do?” I begged through my sobs. Pain etched his beautiful face, although his eyes, which occasionally focused on my own, relayed his peace and acceptance. The knowledge tore at my heart and left me momentarily paralyzed. This is it. There was no longer anything I could do for him. Powerless, I looked on in panic,

my eyes begging him to let me help. “Just…” Gasp. “Hold…” Gasp. “Hand…” Gasp. I gripped his hand and sat beside him while he started up at me. The light that normally shone in his eyes diminished. “I love you, Dylan. I’ll always love you.” I leaned down and kissed his cool, soft lips, my salty tears mixing between us. I didn’t want this to be goodbye. I had no idea how to do it. Where to start. How to begin, or inevitably how to finish. “Always,” he rasped, “sugar.” With his last word, his eyes closed, released a drawn-out breath, and stopped

breathing. I stared intently at his chest, willing it to move, willing him to breathe. His chest remained unmoving and his hand became limp in mine. It wasn't enough time. We barely had the chance to laugh, to dance, to cry, to make love, yet he was leaving me. Left me. I wanted to reach down and shake him, force him to fight, force him to breathe, for me, for him, for us. A sob built deep in my stomach as my heart, once more, shattered. There would be no coming back from this. He was my everything, yet he was gone. “No,” I wept, pressing my lips to

his still ones. “No!” My voice grew louder and more broken. “Dylan!” I wailed. “Dylan. No!” I put my forehead against his and cried. “Please.” My words echoed around the still room, filling the emptiness with my broken pleas. As my words faded away, my fragmented sobs shook me, pushing me into despair. No amount of time, discussion or planning helped. None of the sweet words we’d spoken just the previous night eased the ache in my splinted heart. He was gone. My Dylan was gone.

Jude Dylan passed away. I received the call from Teeny. The cancer took him from her in the early hours of the morning as she sat by his side holding onto him. There wasn’t anything anyone could do. She was destroyed. The only thing harder than knowing the woman you love was grieving for another man was being powerless to take that pain away. I’d keep that promise I made and I’d be right by her side when she needed me. I wanted to heal her heartache. I

wanted her to know Dylan asked me to take care of her…but I had to wait. It was too soon. She wouldn’t listen anyway.

Haven The tears threatened to spill over as I stood in the dim light of the overcast day, while looking down into the cold, wet earth. My limbs and heart felt hollow as I stared blankly at the dark mahogany wood of his coffin, his final resting place amongst the hundreds of graves that made up this cemetery. I loved him. I loved him yet I lost him. My heart was breaking all over again. Physical pain ripped through my chest as I gazed at the starkness of the marble headstones of pain and loss against the lush, green landscape. I’d

never see him again. Never watch him pace when he was nervous, or laugh at one of his silly jokes, never get to pick on him for eating his dinner in color codes, never hear his soft voice tell me he loved me, never feel his pinkie wrapped around mine. I’d never feel his kisses or his heartbeat as I lay tangled in his arms. Never again, any of it. All of it, him, all gone. He had become a memory, a memory that would fade with time, like the scent of his skin and the color of his eyes, or the feel of his face when he leaned into my hands. The vision of him, still fresh in my mind, would soon fade away. The only thing left was the hole in my heart, the part of me that would be

buried here forever. I sank to my knees, the nylon of my stockings soaking up the mud that caked the ground, thanks to the rain that had been there since he left, since he was taken from me. My eyes slipped closed as my silent tears finally spilt over. Agonizingly, they tumbled down my frozen face and dropped onto my ruined stockings. Jude came up behind me; the soft ground muffled his footsteps. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. I felt him. He bent down and wrapped his arms around my shuddering frame. “Come on, Haven.” Such a simple

request, yet the hardest one I’d ever had to comply to. The last thing I wanted to do was leave. This was my goodbye, but I still wasn’t ready. Jude picked my exhausted, broken body from the soggy ground, his arms strong and sure around my middle. I laid my head on his chest, his heart thumping steadily, reminding me of both the man I lost and the one standing with me, holding me up. Dylan. Jude. Closing my eyes once again, tears continuously fell down my sodden cheeks, the rain washing away the traces of my sorrow. I wanted to sleep, to close

my eyes and sleep for days, months maybe. I wanted to rouse thinking this was all a horrible nightmare and that the man I loved wasn’t being lowered sixfeet underground, but instead, was waiting for me at home. Our home. Our empty shell of a home. I clutched Jude’s shirt and sobbed. “Oh, God, he’s gone.” My lungs fought for oxygen as I struggled to catch a breath. “I can’t—I can’t! This is too much. Make it go away! Please!” Desperate pleas through gasping intakes of air, rushed out. My eyes screwed shut while my mouth opened in a silent scream. He just held me. No noise, just

Jude. My heart remained in pieces, shattered the day Dylan left me. I thought it had once before, but Dylan had put me back together. Now, I’d fallen again and this time, the pieces were unsalvageable. There was no putting my heart back together again. Bile, acrid and sharp, rose up into my throat. Was that what grief tasted like? Acid? The stuff that could burn a hole through anything…it felt as though that was exactly what was happening. A giant hole was burning through the life I wanted, but had mercilessly been stolen from me. The rest of the service and Dylan’s wake went by in a blur. I didn’t know if

I was even present. I couldn’t remember anything beyond watching him be lowered into the ground. I was numb. Except, I remember Jude. He was there. He held me, silently comforted me, while I splintered apart, piece-bypiece in his arms. He put me to bed that night. I was wearing one of Dylan’s shirts and sweats, so he must’ve helped me out of my soaked dress and stockings. I remembered waking the next morning, smelling bacon and smiling. It felt like a bad dream, and since the bed was cold where Dylan used to sleep, my mind immediately drifted to him just

waking and making us breakfast. I padded to the kitchen to find Jude, still wearing his suit shirt and pants from the day before. Realization hit hard. The bacon no longer smelling appealing but making my stomach turn. The sounds of clinking glasses and the spatula dropping on the counter were stark noises that rang loudly in my ears. Every memory flooded back and tears filled my eyes. I refused to let them fall When Jude looked at me, all I could do was stand before him. After a second, I turned and went back to bed, curling up in a ball of sorrow, unable to face a world where Dylan wasn’t holding me

in his arms. I didn’t want to be awake. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or put on a brave face. I just wanted him. “Haven.” I stirred at my name. “Dylan?” I whispered, coming out of my dream state. “No, baby. It’s me. Jude. You need to eat something.” I cracked an eyelid and closed it again. Tomato soup and Jude just wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted Dylan. “No.” I rolled over and pulled the blanket over my head. Shutting out the world around me, I curled into a ball and lost myself in the darkness. But even that wasn’t

enough to block it out. I craved the oblivion only the drugs could give me. The feeling of not being or feeling anything. The problem being I was too empty and exhausted to get up and check the bathroom for Dylan’s left over meds. And I didn’t have a doubt that Jude would have already removed the temptation from my sight. My dream state was a much happier place. Dylan was with me. He was healthy and well…he wasn’t gone. I could keep him while I was asleep. Besides, sleeping hurt less, and the bed where I lay drowning in my own pain was the last place I had him. It was ours and ours alone.

“Sweetheart, time to open those pretty eyes for me.” I pulled the blanket down from my head, knowing very well I wasn’t about to see him beside me. The weight on the bed wasn’t quite right. The pressure on my arm wasn’t his. The smell that saturated the air wasn’t anything close to Dylan.

“Come on, lovely.” The voice that woke me from my fantasyland this time was Teeny. “I’ve brought some of Ma’s meatballs. They’re your favorite.” “I don’t want to,” I answered in a meek voice. All of my energy had left with Dylan. My heart, soul and body all

went with him; only pain remained. “I know, honey. I now you don’t want to,” Teeny replied with a wobble in her voice. “We need you to eat something though, Haven. Please.” Even Teeny’s plea didn’t make me want to be present. “I’m tired,” I told her and rolled over, trying to find that sleepy place where I could see, touch and talk to him.

“I don’t know what else to do. I tried. Scarlett, it’s your turn.” I vaguely

heard Jude whispering though my haze. “What makes you think I can get her to snap out of it?” Scarlett asked as I reached out for Dylan’s pillow. I could still smell him there. A mixture of his cinnamon spiced body wash and a scent that was all his. The bedroom door creaked open a little more and the click of heels echoed on the wooden floorboards. “Babe?” Scarlett questioned. “Time to eat. We’re all getting damn worried now.” Her voice was stained with a sadness I couldn’t understand. I shook my head and buried it into Dylan’s pillow, inhaling him as far into my lungs

as I could. “Haven.” She sat down on the bed behind me, brushing my hair off the side of my face. “It’s been a week now. You need something to eat. You need to have some kind of food.” “I just don’t want to,” I told her in a muted throaty voice. “I just…it hurts.” “I know, babe. I know it does,” Scarlett responded, understanding behind her words. She lay down behind me and wrapped her arms around my broken body, acting as a shield, trying to soak up some of my agony. The moment she kissed my temple, something in me broke apart. Wretched sobs racked my

body as I fell apart. My brittle heart unable to cope with the comfort she tried to offer. The only difference…I wasn’t completely alone. I didn’t have Dylan, but I did have family who loved and cared about me. I cried and sobbed. I let it all out and when I thought I was almost done, another round hit me again. Fat salty drops ran onto the pillow beneath my cheek, drenching the fabric that was once unmarred. Scarlett lay there with me, trying to silently hold the last pieces of broken together. Eventually, after what felt like hours, I cried as much as my brittle body

could handle and fell back into a restless sleep, joining Dylan in my made-up land of happiness. I stirred and rolled over. Mace had taken Scarlett’s place and was cradling me against him like he used to when we were little and I’d skinned my knee. “Hey, pretty girl.” He winked down at me. “You’re awake.” I tried to talk but my mouth was sticky and sealed shut with dried-up saliva. He reached over and passed me a cup of water from the nightstand, pushing the straw toward my mouth. “You slept for another two days. I think your mouth might resemble kitty litter.” Mace winked, trying to joke with me.

I sipped down almost the entire cup of water and pushed it away. My head was pounding and my body felt tightly wound and sore. “Want something to eat yet, midget?” he questioned, using my childhood nickname from him. “Not really,” I answered honestly, stretching my underused vocal chords out. “Too bad. You have to eat. Big brother’s rules,” he said matter-offactly, leaving my no room for argument. “Jude,” Mace called out, his booming voice making me jump slightly.

“Haven’s ready to eat.” “On it!” Jude called out from the general vicinity of the kitchen. In an instant, I heard plates and cutlery clanging about and the smell of tomato and cheese drifted though my cracked door. My stomach took that moment to growl and make its distaste at being empty known. “That’s what I thought.” Mace smirked. “Dinner,” Jude said in a hushed tone as he pushed through the door carrying a tray of food. He walked over and placed it on my lap, carefully adjusting it so the glass of juice

wouldn’t tip over. I looked at the pile of meatballs, tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich that decorated the serving tray and felt my stomach growl again. Funny thing was I didn’t feel hungry. It was as if my body had forgotten the basic things it should need to do. I picked up the spoon and scooped up some of the warm red liquid, the aroma of basil and tomato drifted into my face with the steam. Sipping it gently from the metal utensil, I looked up to find both boys watching me with far too much interest. “Are you both going to watch me eat now?” I asked, wondering what in the world they were doing.

“Yes,” they answered in unison. I didn’t have the energy to tell them off or argue, so I simply sipped more soup and let them have their way. I ate as much of the cardboard tasting food as I could stomach and laid my head back against the headboard behind me. “I’m sorry,” I told both of them, and no one specifically. “It just—” “Nothing to be sorry for, princess,” Jude cut me off, saving me from hashing out how I was feeling. I watched him as he took my tray and shuffled out of the room quietly. “He’s not left your side for a

second,” Mace told me when Jude was out of earshot. “He didn’t have to stay,” I replied, feeling badly for Jude. It couldn’t be easy on him, watching me grieve for Dylan. “He knows that, but there was no possible way he was going to leave you.” The room fell into a comfortable silence. Mace watched as realization dawned on my features. These people loved me enough not to let me fade away too. I smiled meekly. “Thank you,” I muttered. “You all…I just…”

Mace put his hand on my arm. “Shh, it’s all good, Midget. We got you covered.” For a week and a half I’d been lying in bed sleeping, yet it felt like it was just a few hours. I realized just how lucky I was to have such caring people around me. Never would I forget that again. “Work,” I said aloud, startling myself as well as Mace. “I should be back at work.” I was sure I was leaving Scarlett high and dry by taking so much time off. First with looking after Dylan and since in my pain-laced stupor. “Nope. You’ll go back when Scar

says you’re ready, and not a minute sooner.” I attempted a half-assed glare in Mace’s direction, which he shot down with a shake of his head. “The rent on your apartment has been paid up a couple more weeks anyway… and Haven, there’s something you should know.” “What?” Was I being evicted? Had I forgot some bills? I wasn’t sure I could handle anything else. “Dylan made some arrangements before…well, before he went.” His voice was slightly distorted as I tried my hardest not to focus on the blinding pain that seared though my chest when Dylan’s name was said aloud. “He left

you some things.” Mace cleared his throat and reached over to the bedside drawer. “I know. He didn’t have any family left.” I looked around the bedroom at Dylan’s meagre belongings. His clothes hung in one side of the open closet. A small chest rested in the corner containing the last of his own memories of his life, photos, mementos, paperwork and documents. “That teddy bear is my favorite thing I think. He won it for me when the fair came to town. “ “I don’t mean that stuff, midget.” Mace sat up a bit straighter and clutched a manila envelope in his hand. “A lawyer stopped by yesterday. Dropped

off some paperwork for you.” I was completely confused by that point. Dylan had never mentioned anything to me. We hadn’t even talked about what he wanted me to do with his truck. “What do you mean?” I wrung my hands in my lap, an uneasy feeling blanketing me. “Here. This is for you. I’ll give you some space to read through it. We’ll all be out here if you need us.” Mace handed the manila folder to me and dropped a kiss on the top of my head. Pushing off the bed, he slipped out the bedroom door.

I must have sat there for a solid ten minutes holding that folder in my hand. Staring at it while it all but burned a hole in my hand. I wasn’t sure I could open it. Everything that was left of Dylan was contained in this one thin piece of cardboard. Everything except my memories. Dear Haven, I should start this off with the usual ‘If you’re reading this …’ But that would be obvious. I have asked my lawyer to deliver a few papers for you, including this letter after my time is up. While we had a

little time, it still didn’t feel like enough to tell you all the things I need you to know. Haven, you came into my life in my darkest hour. In the days before I met you, I was setting myself up to leave this world. My tire blew on my trip to nowhere and you, beautiful girl, were like a shining beacon calling to me on every level. You saved me. Had I never met you, my journey would've ended long ago without ever knowing the true meaning of love. You gave me hope in an otherwise scary and desolate time. I never thought for a second I’d fall in love with anyone in my much too short lifetime. Even as I write this letter, it doesn't

feel like enough. You, Haven, are my Angel. You were exactly what I needed and never knew I wanted. I consider myself the luckiest man in the world to have known your love. Can you still see the page? I know, by now, enough time has passed for you to hopefully be healing. I want you to know, I love you. I love your strength, your zest for life, your spunky little attitude. I could go on and on about even the little things… The way your hair smells like raspberries and vanilla. I loved burying my nose in the side of your neck, just below your ear. It was always the strongest there; as if your

conditioner wasn't always rinsed away. I loved the feel of your butter-soft skin, which always looked sun kissed. It made me want to kiss you all over. I was jealous of what the sun was able to touch, and I couldn't get enough of. To look at you. Damn, looking into your eyes when they first opened in the morning was like stargazing. I wanted to count the sparkles, my sparkles. The ones I knew were just for me. And your laugh, that tinkling sound that would start and drop into a fullout belly laugh over some of the most ridiculous things. You thought I was funny. I can't tell you, sugar, how much that meant to me. We both know I'm not

funny, but with you, I felt like it was me bringing all of those beautiful smiles to your lips. And lastly, your kisses. I could spend hours kissing you, tasting you, loving you. How do you think I came to call you sugar? I couldn't think of any other name that would fit just how delicious you tasted to me. You are my sweetness in a bitter world. You are the sweet nectar that bees would be envious of. I couldn't get enough. And no matter how many days, weeks, months, years, have gone by, don't ever doubt my love for you. I went home knowing I had the love of my life by my side, my sugar. It was the best way to go, and I have loved every

minute of every day with you. So, thank you for being mine. Thank you for showing me what true love is, and thank you for being brave enough to love me when you knew it wasn't forever. I'll never forget the way you made me feel and I'll be waiting for you when the day comes for us to be together again. In the meantime…live. Live for me, live for us, but most of all, live for love. You'll find it again, and when you do, never let go. You get another chance,

sugar. Love enough for the both of us. With all my heart, forever. Dylan. His signature at the bottom was mottled from the severity of my tears. I couldn't breathe. My hand clasped to my chest in an effort to pull life back into my lungs. I wiped the page, hoping I didn't take the ink away with my fingertips. This was my last string to Dylan, his words, his name, his last everything; and it was in my hands. I didn’t know when he had time to write it, but I couldn't

have asked for a more perfect ending to our love story. Even from the grave, he was still remembering me, loving me, and he had shown me every day while he was alive. With his letter, he put his love down in words. Words I would cherish forever. Pulling myself together, I focused on the stack of papers laying on the bed. I lifted the first form from the pile. LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF Dylan Highsmith. I, Dylan Highsmith, being of sound mind, declare this to be my Last Will

and Testament. I revoke all wills and codicils previously made by me. ARTICLE I I appoint Bing and Dumont Solicitors as my Personal Representative to administer this Will, and ask that he/she be permitted to serve without court supervision and without posting bond. ARTICLE II I direct my Personal Representative to pay out of my residuary estate all of the expenses of my last illness, administration expenses, all legally enforceable creditor claims, all Federal estate taxes, state inheritance taxes, and all other governmental

charges imposed by reason of my death, without seeking reimbursement from or charging any person for any part of the taxes and charges paid. ARTICLE III I devise, bequeath, and give my 2014 Silverado to Haven Torres. I devise, bequeath, and give my personal belongings to Haven Torres. ARTICLE IV I devise, bequeath, and give all of the rest and remainder of my residuary estate as follows: 1. 100% of my savings in the total amount of $1,657,954.77 to

Haven Torres. The rest of the form became one big blur as I dropped the paper in my hand onto the waiting stack sitting on the bed. My hands came up to my mouth in shock. I flicked back the duvet causing papers to flurry into the air and ran to the bathroom losing what little bit of lunch I had managed to get down.

Jude I couldn’t take the sound of her grief any longer. I wanted nothing more

than to burst in her bathroom and take her into my arms. I knew she had read his letter; her sobs ricocheted around her tiny apartment like they were broadcast over a loudspeaker. “Hey, I need to get out of here.” I tapped Mace on the shoulder and nodded toward the door. “Think she’ll mind if I take off for a bit? I won’t go far. I could use some fresh air.” Mace looked me up and down, taking in my disheveled appearance. “Yeah, man, take all the time you need. We are gonna hang here for when Haven comes out. She’ll understa—” I didn’t let him finish. “No, I want

to be here when she comes out.” I ran my hand through my unwashed mess of hair. “Just text me, okay? I’ll be close by.” Mace nodded again, leaning against his shoulder.

Scarlett

“Will do, brother. Thanks.” He stood, and held out his hand. I took it and gave him a firm shake. Scarlett reached past him and embraced me. “Don’t give up, Jude. You knew this would take time,” she whispered. “Yeah. I know.” I turned on my heel to get the hell out of there. My mind was wheeling with conflicted thoughts of

needing to go to her and wanting to give her space. My head knew what I needed to do, but convincing my heart was another story. I didn’t know how much more either part of me could take.

Jude “Can you gift wrap that please?” I asked the sales lady behind the glass counter. It had taken me three full weeks to leave Haven’s apartment for the first time, not counting the brief stints I spent outside; both gathering my thoughts and fighting claustrophobia from being caged inside her itty-bitty home. I had my staff taking care of the garage, and the boys had spent their time between Teeny, Scarlett and Ma, on top of visiting with Haven and me at her apartment in the afternoons. I had still been a little afraid to leave her completely alone, but she was starting to function. Now, five

months after she had said goodbye to the man she loved, she was doing much better. Or at least she was trying. She was out of bed almost all day now, eating, drinking and being semi social. The first few weeks had been hard on her; however, she had gone back to work and was learning to live her life for the best again. I didn’t think she was ever going to be that sweet, innocent-yetbroken woman I fell in love with, but the stronger being that emerged from her sorrow just made me love her all the more. “Absolutely, sir,” she replied, taking out some soft pink tissue paper looking stuff and a bunch of ribbon.

I slid my cellphone out of my back pocket and swiped across the screen, checking it again in case Haven had called and I’d not heard it. Never mind the fact that I had only checked it a dozen times in the ten minutes I’d been standing in the jewelry store. “Here you go.” The sales assistant slid a neatly wrapped box toward me and placed her hands on the counter. “A very lucky lady to receive that one.” “Yeah, she’s pretty special, but I’m the lucky one, ma’am.” I nodded to her and took the box, hoping my clammy palms wouldn’t ruin the wrapping. I made the quick ten-minute walk back to Haven’s apartment and headed up the

stairs. Her gift clutched tightly in hand. She’d slowly started to open up to me over the last few weeks. I felt as though she may give me a chance to love her again. I was hoping, actually. And maybe this gift would be the start of something new and unwavering; just maybe we could build something amazing on the ruins of our hearts. “Haven?” I called out once I unlocked the door with the key Mace had given me months ago, and slipped inside. I registered the sounds of water hitting tile and the squeal of the taps just before it was shut off. “Be out in a minute,” Haven called,

a cloud of steam escaping when the bathroom door opened. The smell of her body wash permeated the air. Fresh berries with a hint of vanilla. It was a scent I’d never get tired of. A few minutes later, while I was still pacing the living room, Haven stepped out of her room looking stunning as usual. A pair of those stretchy yoga type pants fitted her in all the right spots and her loose shirt hung just off one creamy shoulder. What I wouldn’t give to be either of those items of clothing. “What’s going on? Why’re you nervous?” Haven stopped walking and tipped her head to the side, examining my body language. She had always been observant.

“I’m not nervous,” I fibbed, halting my rigorous pace. “I do need to talk to you though.” I indicated to the sofa, silently asking her to sit with me, to which she obliged. She tucked her legs neatly up under herself and hugged her knees loosely. Still trying as she might to hold herself together, or at least create a barrier between her and me. I didn’t dwell. I knew she was still working through the mess of her heart. “Out with it, Jude,” she pushed, waiting for me to sit down beside her; instead, I took a seat on the large oak coffee table just inches away from her curled up legs. Her toes hung off the edge of the sofa. My fingers from my

free hand found them, and I brushed each digit gently. She was wearing a dark blue polish that had chipped on the ends. Her eyes never left mine as she wiggled her toes, welcoming my touch. I could tell she was still curious as to why she was even before me in this manner. “Jude?” she inquired simply. I held out the long, slender box, letting it rest on my palm. What felt like minutes ticked by before she reached out and touched it. The entire time my heart racing like I’d just run a marathon. “What’s this?” Her eyes flicked up from the box to mine, her fingertips still lingering on the ribbon.

“Take it. It’s for you.” I lay my other hand on top of hers and curled her fingers around the box. I could see the look of hope spread briefly across her features. If I wasn’t paying attention, I might have missed it. Did she think it could be from anyone but me? I felt the need to clarify. “I saw this and knew it would be perfect for you.” I stammered through my words. “If you don’t like it, or whatever, I can take it ba—” Haven held up her hand to stop my stuttered words. “Shh, Jude. It’s fine. Please.” She slowly withdrew her hand,

holding the thin rectangle gently, like it was made of glass, as she pulled on the ribbon, letting it fall to her lap. Then, she removed the paper and all that was left was to open the lid, which she did ever so smoothly. The light overhead caught the diamond, reflecting it’s light around the room. “Jude.” She sighed. “It’s beautiful.” She pulled the bracelet from its black velvet bed and held it up. “There’s a diamond heart that represents your heart, delicate and beautiful but stronger than anything in the world. There’s a teddy bear, ‘cause you like those, a handbag… Well, we’ve all seen how many of those you have.

There’s a daddy’s girl charm for the obvious and a letter D charm, for Dylan.” I pointed to each charm her as eyes studied each one closely. She looked up at me with tears beginning to form. “Don’t cry, princess. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” She threw herself off the sofa and right into my arms, hugging me tightly. “Thank you, Jude. It’s perfect.” Pulling back too soon, she wiped her eyes and held the bracelet out to me. “Could you put it on for me, please?” I took it from her hand and wrapped it around her wrist, fiddling with the tiny clasp while she watched. When I looked up, her eyes were glued to me.

“Jude? Why are you here? I mean, why are you still here, rather?” She grunted with frustration, her words not coming out like she wanted them to. “Why did you stay? This couldn’t have been easy for you.” “Haven…” I struggled to find the right words, so I moved to what I had to show her instead. This was the moment. The one I’d been waiting for. I stood and pulled my cell from my back pocket, tapping the screen until I found what I was looking for. “You need to hear something.” I looked up at her sparkling hazel eyes. “First and the most important

reason, I love you, Haven. That won’t ever change for me. Even if it’s not returned—and I understand if you can’t return it. I do. I love you with everything I have. And I was a fool for not fighting for you in the first place.” I took a deep breath and let it out steadily, waiting for her to throw me out like she’d had every right to do. When I realized she wasn’t saying a word, just looking at me curiously, I continued, “And this.” I tapped the screen on my phone one more time and let the saved message play into the quiet room. Praying to all that was holy, she wouldn’t fall apart again. Or worse, hate me forever.

Haven The moment his voice filled the air, my heart stuttered and another little piece splintered off, stabbing me in the chest. I missed his voice so much it physically hurt. “Jude, Haven doesn’t know I’m calling you, but I need a favor. I’ve never lied to her or kept anything from her, but I’m breaking that promise right now. “She’s gonna need someone when I’m gone and she’s too stubborn to admit that. I’m telling you, I want it to be you. I need it to be you…she needs it

to be you. Please, take care of our girl. “Haven still loves you, Jude. Be the man she needs you to be. Take care of her.” I buried my face in my hands and closed my eyes, remembering that dying wish he made. Remembering him asking me to promise… “Play it again, please,” I asked Jude from behind my hands. He did as I asked and Dylan’s sweet voice played out again. I could hear the moments where he was struggling for breath, but all of that was obscured by just hearing him again.

Even in death, Dylan made sure I was cared for. He chose the one person I refused to let in and forced me to accept his one last wish. I felt my face flush with a brief flash of anger and hurt. He broke a promise to me, one that he swore he’d never break. He kept a secret, a secret that put Jude back in my life when I deserved nothing but the opposite. I had been so cruel to him, breaking his heart as he did mine. But I couldn’t erase the past; the black marring would forever be a part of me. But Dylan loved all of me; he put my aching, broken heart back together with tenderness and love. He also taught me a

valuable lesson about forgiveness. I needed to forgive Jude. I needed to forgive myself. After all, if it weren’t for him, I would have never have met Dylan. Jude saved my life so that I may be in Dylan’s. And despite losing him, I was deeply loved by him. I was finally able to accept that I was deserving of love. Dylan’s love. Jude’s love. And my own love. The recording stopped and I looked up at Jude who was sitting there in front of me, never having left my side. He looked so worried; I realized something I’d not seen in the last few months. Jude

had worn himself out worrying about me. His hair was a mess; he had dark circles under his eyes, and it was evident he’d lost weight. All for me. Jude sacrificed himself the only way he knew how, just to make sure I was okay. “I’m not putting the moves on you. Just in case you thought I was trying to… I don’t know, worm my way in.” He put his phone down on the table beside him and rested his elbows on his knees. “I do love you, Haven. Fiercely. But I also know you need time. Shit, you may not want me at all, and that’s up to you. I won’t force myself on you. But all that time ago, when you told me you didn’t love me anymore, I think you lied.” Jude stood and started pacing. “I think you

can love two people at once. I think you still loved me then.” He stopped and looked at me, his hands splayed open at his sides. “You might even love me now.” He slid back onto the table in front of me, his large warm hand encasing my smaller one. “Ma said something to me that made no sense until now.” He looked down, gathered his thoughts and met my doe-eyed stare. “Haven, she said that old love can be made new again under extenuating circumstances.” I gasped as I absorbed the words he was sharing. “These, babe, are definitely extenuating. But know that my feelings have never, and I mean never changed toward you.”

It occurred to me right then, at that moment, he was right. And so had Dylan been. I did still loved Jude. I hadn’t ever stopped. I had loved two men at once and probably always would. I was speechless, and Jude took it as rejection. I could see the look of hope drain from his features and slowly be replaced by defeat. “I loved you since we were kids, Haven. When I found you in that crack house, nursed you back to health, I took advantage your vulnerability, and could never find the right time to share with everyone just how much I loved, still love you.” His eyes pleaded with mine, imploring me to understand. I touched his cheek with my free

hand and stood up. I adjusted my shirt that had ridden up slightly before walking over to where Jude had just been wearing holes in my carpet. It was my turn to pace. My hands rested on my hips, my head bowed as I struggled to grasp all the words I had waited forever to hear from Jude’s lips. “Haven.” He came to stand next to me, not touching but close enough that he could if he reached out. “Please, say something.” His heart was on the line, just like the last time we stood in this position. I cleared my throat and gave him the most honest answer I could muster. “Jude, thank you for telling me all of this. For

sharing Dylan’s wishes, his voice…” I choked back a sob, “I needed to hear that. His words, his request, it’s the same thing he told me before he…he died.” I was crying now. Jude reached for me, but I pulled back; I needed to say my piece. He dropped his arms once again and waited. “I will always love Dylan. But you’re right. I’ve never stopped loving you. I never will.” His shocked expression wasn’t what I was expecting. Somehow I’d told myself that Jude and I were in a good place and both knew where we stood. Apparently, my assumptions had been off the mark.

In an instant, he couldn’t keep away from me if he tried. And I didn’t want him to. He reached forward and wrapped his hands around my waist. He lifted me up and spun me in a half circle before placing his lips on mine. “That is probably the best thing I’ve ever heard, Haven.” He kissed me again, this time a little softer. “Thank you. I promise you won’t regret giving me a second chance.” His forehead rested against mine. “I’m never going lose you again, Haven Torres. I’ll fight Satan himself to prove to you just how much you mean to me,” he claimed with fierce conviction. “I love you beyond all time and space, Haven.” His lips came down on mine once

more, our tongues meeting for a passionate kiss that left me lightheaded. “Jude.” One word. I whispered, “My Jude.” I wrapped my body around his, remembering the feel of his body and how well he fit mine. Yes, I had loved and was loved by two men. Two very different men. I lost Dylan in body, but never in my heart. I was learning that there was room for both of them. Jude was here; he never really left, and as he held me in his arms, I realized even more about his love for me. He loved me enough to let me be loved by someone else. He loved me

enough to stick around when I wasn’t very loveable, and to be present in my darkest hours. Not once, but twice. He saved me once, and after I lost Dylan, he did it yet again. I couldn’t think of a better man to experience my second chance at love than Jude. I’m doing it, Dyl. I’m loving again, just like you wanted. Thank you for bringing Jude back to me. I sent up a silent prayer of gratitude to the man who was still watching over me, healing me from the inside out. I rubbed my nose against Jude’s in an Eskimo kiss, our breath mingling, hands coaxing and caressing. “I love

you, Jude.” My words came out in a sigh. “Please don’t break me.” I kissed him again. “Never again, Haven. I will love and cherish you always, just like you deserve.” Yes, I was damaged. I had eaten from the forbidden fruit and I was suffering the consequences. The scars I bared on my soul were a reminder. They were a reminder of both a tortured and treasured experience. I took a moment to think of my family, my friends. Their own lives and love had been that of sorrow and sometimes chaos. I’d often wondered

why they hadn’t given up, why they’d fought so hard? I finally understood. Love was worth the heartache and the pain. When the broken parts of my tattered heart eased, I knew I’d look at those scars and smile. Knowing that even after we least expected it, there was a happily ever after, even if it stemmed from a forbidden love.

Haven “I’m sweating!” I whined, dabbing my armpits with a tissue. “Oh, stop being a baby,” Scarlett retorted, handing me a bottle of antiperspirant. “Everyone sweats on their wedding day. Get over it. Jude doesn’t care what you smell like anyway.” “Nope. He just wants to find the closet cloakroom and bang your brains out.” Teeny laughed, handing me my bouquet of roses and baby’s breath. “Here,” Scarlett called out before diving under my cream lace-layered

dress. “What are you—oh, my God!” I screamed, startled by the cold spray. “What the hell, Scar?” I asked as she inched out from between my legs, holding up a spray bottle of Febreze. “Just making sure it smells good under there. You don’t want to be hiking up your dress and smelling like a tuna sandwich do you?” She was so matterof-fact in her argument; I was lost for words. Teeny stood off to the side, doubled over in laughter. “You two are horrible bridesmaids, you know that?” I shot at them, trying not to crack up laughing.

“Yep,” they both sung in unison. “Let’s go. I want to marry my fiancé and I’m afraid to be in a room with you two any longer.” I started for the door and took a long deep breath, touching Dylan’s charm on my bracelet with my fingertips. Thank you, Dylan. You gave him back to me. You’re always in my heart. I sent my silent thanks up to the heavens and opened the door that led out to the church. Truth be told, I cried a little when Jude looked into my eyes and promised in front of all our family and friends that

he’d forever be mine. I never thought the day would ever come for me, but there I was, holding my husband’s hand and walking into the beautifully decorated reception room. Jaxson and Jordan walked just in front of us with Javerio holding each of their hands and giggling as he stumbled with them. Off to the side stood Scarlett wrapped up in Mace’s arms and beside them, Teeny stood beside Trip, her head resting on his shoulder, smiling brightly up at him. They all found their place in the world and I couldn’t be happier for each of them. They’d fought a hard battle to get there and they deserved their happiness.

I walked in to the room with Jude holding my hand in his, and sighed. This was it. This was my happily ever after. It turned out my forbidden love was not so forbidden after all.

This brings to an end the Needle’s Kiss series. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed the ride. XOXO Lola