Kinky Friedman - [Kinky Friedman 08] - God Bless John Wayne (siPDF)

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"A CLASSIC...DELIGHTFULLY POTENT'

—The NewYorkTimes Book Review

DON'T

MISS

KINKY FRIEDMAN'S

OTHER MYSTERIES STARRING KINKY FRIEDMAN ELVIS,

JESUS &

"Elvis.jesus

&

COCA-COLA Coca-Cola

is

this generation's Catcher in the Rye.

And

it

doesn't

make

you want to shoot a Don Imus

—

Beatle."

ARMADILLOS & OLD LACE 'The Kinkster

is

back,

and writing better than even

— Larry McMurtry

ALSO AVAILABLE FROM BANTAM BOOKS

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PRAISE FOR

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE

"Smart and outrageous ... A quirky whodunit that moves at the pace of a good downhill jog."

— The Plain Dealer, Cleveland "His shocking, irreverent voice, his cocky, barbaric style

and

on

his unforgettable take

the pursuit of happiness

life,

liberty

and

make Kinky Friedman

a true original."

—Mostly Murder "Friedman

is

whose prose and razor sharp."

a true original

is

fresh

—Publishers Weekly "A Kinky

original

as ever.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The writing

is

as fresh

Uproariously irreverent.

—Richmond Times-Dispatch "Fast-paced and often hilarious

.

.

.

Delivers a solid

piece of pop entertainment."

—

St.

Petersburg (Florida) Times

plot hums along, though the real attraction here Kinky Friedman the character and Kinky Friedman the author, both cracking jokes and commenting on detective fiction while having a grand old adventure. God bless Kinky Friedman."

"The is

— South Bend Tribune

RAVES FOR KINKY FRIEDMAN "Dear Kinky:

I

have now read all your books. More I really need the laughs."

please.

—President

"The Kinkster

Bill

Clinton

a catcher, not in the rye, but in a

is

sagebrush, and that's what

him and

is

his

truly appealing about

work."

—Los Angeles Times Kinky Friedman does to hterature what he has done to music, this nation is in serious trouble."

"If

— Dave Barry, humorist, author, and Puhtzer Prize winner "Kinky Friedman is a true American original, something it's not easy to be in today's carbon-copy culture."

—Steve "Kinky

is

Allen,

comedian and author

Groucho Marx and Sam Spade."

a hip hybrid of

—Chicago Tribune

AMERICA LOVES THE KINKSTER "Friedman ... is a taste worth acquiring, too cryptic Like being to be cosmic, too cosmic to be cryptic. in a fortune cookie factory on speed." Daily News, New York .

.

.

—

"Kinky

the best whodunit writer to

is

come along

since Dashiell What's-His-Name."

—

^Willie

"Kinky

is

Nelson

a crime original, a

adventures

wayward

plot substance

ofiFer

packaged with

deft,

spirit

whose

and surprises neatly

jokey prose."

—Publishers Weekly ''Armadillos ir excess;

I

Old Lace is a real beauty mark of sinful it. The only thing I don't like about

loved

Mr. Friedman

is

he aint governor of Texas. Yet."

that

—^James Crumley, author of The Last Good Kiss "Friedman

.

.

.

has the voice of a poet."

— The Detroit News

BY THE SAME AUTHOR Armadillos 6- Old Lace B2vis, Jesus 6-

Coca-Cola

Musical Chairs

Frequent Flyer

When

A

the Cat's

Away

Case of Lone Star

Greenwich

Killing

Time

KINKY FRIEDMAN

GOD BLESS

NEW YORK

•

BANTAM BOOKS TORONTO LONDON SYDNEY •

•

•

AUCKLAND

is a work of fiction. Names, characters, and incidents either are products of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resem-

This book places,

blance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead,

is

entirely coincidental.

This edition contains the complete text

of the original hardcover edition

NOT ONE WORD HAS BEEN OMITTED.

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE

A Bantam Book I Published by

arrangement with Simon

h

Schuster

PUBUSHING HISTORY Simon

6

Schuster hardcover edition published 1995

Bantam paperback

If

you purchased

this

book

is

this

edition

I

November 1996

book without a cover you should be aware that

and destroyed" and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this ''stripped book."

stolen property. It urns reported as "unsold

to the publisher

All rights reserved.

Copyright

©

1995 by Kinky Friedman. © 1996 by Alan Ayers. Library of Congress Catalog Number: 95-16107 No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. For information address: Simon ir Schuster, 1230 Avenue of the Americas,

Cover art copyright

New

York,

NY

10020.

ISBN0-553-57633-X Published simultaneously in the United States and Canada

Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc. Its trademark, consisting of the words '^Bantam Books" and the portrayal of a rooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam Books, 1540 Broadway, New York, New York 10036.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

OPM

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

To MY KID SISTER MaRCIE

And to

you the truth this telephone booth lonesome in the rain. But, son, Fm 23 in Nashville and Fm 47 in Maine. And when your mama gets home would you tell her tell

gets

I

That

—

phoned

it'd

take a lifetime to explain

Fm a country picker with a bumpersticker that says:

God

Bless John

Wayne.

—From People Who Read People Magazine by Kinky Friedman

CHAPTER

1

It

was raining cool cats and kosher hot dogs

as the cat

looked over

bank statement. tackling a

I

murder

tle

the

me

at

investigation every

seem

to

my building waiting

looking over

in cigars

now and

then, but

be queuing up on the

me

for

to

my

and tuna by

street

throw down the

lit-

black puppet head with the key to the front door

wedged In

sought for

my shoulder

was keeping us

the big clients didn't outside

in

afternoon and things weren't getting any sunnier

city that

in its fact,

my

mouth.

things

were so bad

him had been

market friend

Ratso. Ratso

who sometimes

beaten Dr. Watson to his role of Dr.

the table

that the only person

who'd

help recently in undertaking an investigation

—any

my

was

my

flea-

postnasal Sherlock Holmes. In

Watson he brought zero table

flamboyant

served as a rather weather-

—but he was

sophistication to

loyal to a fault,

was pos-

KINKY FRIEDMAN sessed of a rather charming naivete, and had a good heart,

which any detective worth is

low-sodium

his

you

salt will tell

invariably the greatest possible obstacle to understand-

ing the criminal mind.

Ratso as Dr. Watson client

could deal with. Ratso as a

I

was a whole other animal, and

when Ratso

first

I

do mean animal.

mentioned the matter

About the fourth time he mentioned

to

it, I

me,

I

kindly,

I

demurred.

inquired as to the

nature of the investigation, and he said, '"Well,

very personal matter," and

So,

it s

really a

suggested, perhaps a bit un-

"Then why don't you keep

The

to yourself?"

it

other bad thing about having Ratso as a client was that he'd never paid for a meal or picked up a check in his hfe

and there was every reason

would very I

to believe that

be a

definitely not

for

him

was seriously thinking of hanging myself from the

shower rod when the phones rang. phones on east

working

financial pleasure.

my

maintain two red tele-

I

desk, each exactly an arm's length to the

and the west of the

tip

of

my cigar. They are when

tached to the same line and

both

at-

they ring in tandem

things can get pretty exciting around the

loft.

In this particular instance, the cat leapt up onto the

my

desk, knocking

down onto my like

large,

crotch.

Texas-shaped ashtray upside

The concept of my

the state of Texas was something

lived with if

moved

it

weren't for so

many

I

crotch shaped

could've probably

tourists gawking.

the ashtray and picked up the blower on the

"Start talldn',"

I

"Sergeant Mort a well-cultivated

I

re-

left.

said.

Cooperman

woman's

referred us to you," said

voice. "He's told us

you."

12

all

about

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE hope

**Well," I said, "I

it

was

There was a silence on the a

longer than necessary.

little

and waited

"Fm

we

in question is

could hardly turn

the tabloids. discretion

a fairly ancient cigar

on behalf of a gendeman of such promi-

calling

The

investigative agency.

ded on

I relit

patiently.

nence and the matter that

good."

all

line that lasted, I thought,

it

one of such

sensitivity

over to the police or any large

story

would be headlines

in all

cannot overemphasize the importance of

I

and decorum

in this matter.

That s why

we

set-

calling you."

"Get off the goddamn desk,"

I

said to the cat in a

stage whisper. "I

beg your pardon?"

"Nothing,"

"There

handsome

I said.

will,

"Domestic problem."

of course," she continued, "be a very

retainer."

"My teeth

are fine,"

There was a

fairly

I said.

"Gods my orthodontist."

long silence on the

woman,

obviously,

and saw

that the cat, obviously,

was not amused.

I

looked up

was not amused

you always spent your time trying to entertain cats, I reflected, life

"He would tinued, "at

like to

two o^clock

She gave

down

paper as

in

The

the cat

either. If

women and

meet you

at

today," the

woman

con-

Le Cirque."

I said.

"Hardly," said the

it

at

could be a hard room to work.

"Korean place?"

ted

line.

woman.

me the address of the restaurant and I jotmy Big Chief tablet. The cat watched the

I

wrote and then gave a rather bored feline shrug.

"Just

mention your name to the maitre d," said the 13

KINKY FRIEDMAN woman, "and hell show you "Hold the weddin',"

I

freezing cold and rain to

mention

my name

to

to the private table."

said.

can't

even

tell

not going out in the

some fancy

some

frog restaurant

and

quivering-nostriled maitre d'

without knowing the party that

you

"Fm

is

of such prominence that

me his name over the phone."

There was a pause. Then there was the sound of an Aryan

sigh. I

puffed on the cigar and waited for the blower

to emit further information into

woman and

spoke again

inflection

it

was

my left earlobe. When the

to say only

one word, her tone

Uke the low, painful murmuring of a whore

in confessional.

"Rockefeller," she said, I

and hung up.

cradled the blower, sat back in

my chair, and puffed

thoughtfully on the cigar.

"Where have

I

heard that name?*'

14

I

said to the cat.

CHAPTER

z

I

PUT MY FEET UP ON THE DESK, PUFFED PRIDEFULLY ON THE

and thought

cigar,

way the

it

over for a few moments. Thats the

really big cases

beautiful

happened these

days,

I

figured.

more. Instead, you get an invitation to do lunch Cirque.

It

troubled

my

to find out

your

last

need a

A

woman in black doesn't walk into your office any-

name

first

me slightly that

potential client s is

Rockefeller,

I

Le

hadn't even bothered

first

name. Of course,

if

reasoned, you don't really

name.

At one-thirty

I

put on

my cowboy hat,

no-hunting vest with cigars in the tion loops,

I

at

little

heavy

stitched

and walked out the door of the

coat,

and

ammuni-

loft.

the cat in charge.

I

left

I

stepped into the freight elevator, which boasted one

exposed Ughtbulb and locker,

all

the ambience of a movable meat

and drifted down

to the

little

lobby

like a lost

KINKY FRIEDMAN snowflake. If some scion of the Rockefeller family had got-

ten his

them

tail in

in

why would Sergeant Cooperman put me? On the other hand, I might be the

a crack,

touch with

perfect choice

if

you wished to eschew

establishment. And, though

luck department,

I

was

I

did have a

in the

still

fairly

trappings of the

all

impressive

beginnersstring

little

of crime-solving successes going for me. Cooperman, of all people, would be keenly aware of that.

walked out onto Vandam Street and the cold

I

cut through

me

Uke a drag queen with a bowie

on the sidewalk from yesterdays snow was

leftover slush

the color of coffee and about four inches deep. hell of a

rain

The

knife.

was a

It

day to be having lunch with a Rockefeller.

also a hell of a

day to be looking for a cab.

was

It

was so cold

It

I

was ready to jump aboard any yellow four-wheeled penis with a sign on top, even ally

wanted

pening

to

this side

dead. So foreskin

ankled

it

through the slush in

cowboy boots and

cle. I didn't

like

I

me much

that

I

most maitre ds

either.

I

reflected, I'd

Nobody

most

I

was

brontosaurus

my

and

to

be

fair

encountered didn't

did not have what you might distinctly

call

a

Cerberean

really liked maitre d's at these coochi-

poochi-boomalini frog places anyway, effete,

re-

to turn into a toxic ici-

Judy Garland-hke rapport with that species.

my

counted maitre d s to keep

enough not

hke maitre d s much,

must report

Fd ever

cabs. Cabs, apparently, thought

brain stem at least active

I

the only Rockefeller

of the ozone layer were six-to-five against.

There were no I

if

meet was Michael and the odds of that hap-

I

figured.

They were

power-hungry, phony, officious Uttle boogers for the

part.

Not even the most misunderstood

gium wanted

to

grow up

to

be a maitre

16

d'.

child in Bel-

About the only

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE charitable thing

you could say about them was they were

good diversionary subject matter

to think about

were freezing your Swedish meatballs I

hooked a

left at

the

when you

ofF.

comer and trudged up Hudson

thinking about the possibility of representing a Rockefeller

on

my next case. Not too shabby. The

most didn't matter blither

my way to

a successful

could flow out of something

The

drawer.

prestige that

most unimaginable.

Of

course,

if I

nature of the case

al-

somehow managed to solution. The referrals that

as long as I

I

like that

might

would accrue

really

be top

me would be al-

to

might even be able to make a

living.

took the Rockefeller case, discretion

and even secrecy would probably have to come with the territory. It

would have

to

be a solo

gig.

Td have

to

keep

the Village Irregulars, who'd been invaluable in the past,

away with a barge

pole. Ratso, of course;

large Irish legman;

Rambam,

McGovem, my

the investigator who'd spent

time in federal never-never land

—

all

would have

to

be

kept entirely in the dark. Likewise, I'd have to distance

myself professionally from Mick Brennan, Pete Myers,

Chinga Chavin, and Cleve, who was the distance myself from.

He was

easiest of all to

currently residing in the Pil-

grim State Mental Hospital for smoking country singers a

few years back nately, ful

no plans

at the

Lone

Star Cafe.

There were,

fortu-

to release Cleve anytime soon. If that fate-

day ever did come, however, the only smart thing for

the rest of the world to do would be to immediately check itself into

the Pilgrim State Mental Hospital.

There were very few people on the

who were

street

and those

there looked like outpatients themselves.

were on the

street

They

because there was no other place for

17

KINKY FRIEDMAN them

and

to go

wouldn't have

I

head.

there had been, the'maitre d* probably

them

maybe

lonely, with

glad

if

let

in.

They

all

looked cold, desperate,

a sidecar of criminally insane.

didn't have a rearview mirror attached to I

fore-

might 've gotten a ghmpse of myself.

After about ten blocks of tertiary tedium, into a cab that

Lesotho, and ing

was

I

my

web

we spun our way across

vaulted

the ghttering, shiver-

of side streets and avenues until

we

pulled up in

promised land, Le Cirque.

front of the

"Can

I

appeared to be driven by the president of

help you?" said the maitre

I

d',

as

he studied

my

The phrase can mean almost anything in New York, depending on how it s said and who's talking down to whom. cowboy

I

hat.

mentioned

my name.

His nostrils quivered ever so

slightly. I

was very

grati-

fied.

"Right this way, Mr. Friedman," he

said. I

followed

him through

a strange city of mostly obUvious diners bent

upon eating

their escargots,

you're not bent will fall into

radioactive half-life

If

have a

snail trails that quite conceivably

of about twenty thousand years and could cause

down

the hne

later

the

way of saying

I

me.

fine with

escargots, your escargots

your lap and leave greasy, iridescent, possibly

dead

problems snail's I

which was

upon eating your

at

the dry cleaners.

It's

just

to the people: "Piss off, mate."

followed the back of the man's head for a long time.

didn't care if

he was leading

me

to the gates of hell or a

table too close to the kitchen; at least

you walk past people who are busy

it

was warm.

eating,

When

you see them

but they only half-see you. You'll draw a few odd looks.

18

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE maybe an

occasional

moue

of distaste. Somebodyll start a

friendly smile but then think better of it; at

you

care

like

less.

somebody'U

stare

youVe a cockroach. But most of the people

And then you're

gone.

It s

a lot like

The maitre d' very deferentially waved me The only thing private about it was

vate table.

was nobody

will

life.

to

my pri-

that there

else there.

'Tour guest will be arriving

shortly,

said the

sir,"

maitre d\

"Guest?" away. "/ I

I

mans

said to the

buttocks as he walked

m the goddamned guest."

sat for a

while and listened to the subtle, slightly ob-

scene sounds of the clanking of silverware.

—the people, the — one piece of

somehow connected knives and spoons

seemed

plates, the forks

and

ridiculous

ma-

itself forever, occasionally giving

out

large

like

chinery that feeds

It all

with a subdued belch over here and a high-pitched, poHte

Brenda Lee-type

little

fart

over there, and quite fre-

quently, gushing forth with the ugly sounds of rich peoples

laughter I

stared at a chandeher for a while, then caught a

waiters eye and ordered a double shot of Jameson. the time waiting for

my

drink

making eye contact with a child

seemed genuinely

interested in

which, out of courtesy to the

moment,

my

contented myself with a nearby table.

my

outfit

and

The

my

kid

cigar,

fellow diners remained, for

unlit.

"Ever seen a

The

I

at

To pass

real

kid s mother,

cowboy before?"

I

said to the kid.

whose head resembled

ferret with earrings, gave

me

that of a pet

an icy stare and then turned

her withering visage on the child.

19

KINKY FRIEDMAN "Guess not,"

I

said.

By the time my second double Jameson had arrived rd enjoyed about all the marvelous ambience I could stand and was considering lighting a cigar just to see

body was awake. They say if you

immediately shows up with your food. But

want some

man

forest, or

you

really

and murmuring

Peo-

like a

Ger-

coughing that dry practiced, controlled

little

cough that makes you want

Then they begin rushing wagging their

to throttle them.

hither and thither, calling 911,

and

fingers, feigning nausea,

jumping through walked

if

action, try Hghting a cigar in a restaurant.

ple begin oohing and aahhing

California

if any-

light a cigarette the waiter

in right

their assholes to

frenetically

show they care.

then he'd never get a

the place would be too clinically focused on a ing a cigar, and of course, Elijah couldn't

EUjah

If

Everybody

table.

in

man smokI

was

second round and was

giv-

sit

with me.

waiting for Rockefeller.

As

it

turned out,

rd just ing

some

tigators'

toward

killed

have long to wait.

my

serious thought to visiting the

my private

aquarium

table.

d'

little

in the fashionably

on a backstreet

as if in a

dream, the maitre

d'

was

a menu, stepping quickly aside, and immedi-

ately vanishing, as did

any remaining hope

riencing a pleasant, productive afternoon. across from

dim

my gray-matter department.

Then, suddenly,

me

briskly

Something about the second figure

to set off a rather jangly car alarm in

private inves-

began walking

There was a half-obscured figure

behind him

right

lighting.

somewhere handing

didn't

room, when the maitre

moving along

seemed

I

most of

me now

I'd

had of expe-

The man

sitting

was wearing a coonskin cap with the

20

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE animal's shut.

little

He

was

head also

still

attached to the front, eyes sewn

wearing green pants and an especially

repellent lox-colored sport coat. self in a

giggling to him-

loud and rather unpleasant manner.

My anger mounted

steadily as

pretending to coolly peruse his control his it

He was he

sat across the table

menu

while fighting to

somewhat obvious prepubescent

glee. Finally,

seemed, he could contain himself no longer. "Allow

me

to introduce myself,"

Rockefeller."

21

he

said.

"I'm Ratso

CHAPTER

?

Two MORNINGS

LATER, STILL SLIGHTLY SMARTING

FROM THE

Ratso Rockefeller scam, as well as getting hosed by Ratso into paying the check,

I

was

loitering

around the

loft in

my

purple bathrobe, sipping an espresso and spending a httle quality time with the cat.

"One of the I

havior, is

truly irritating aspects of knowing Ratso,"

said to the cat, "is that

you

enough

The

no matter how repellent

can't stay angry at

to piss

him

long.

That quality alone

me off."

had never hked Ratso. Being of a

cat

his be-

far

more

unforgiving and intransigent nature than myself, the cat

had consistendy going

all

the

disliked Ratso for inexplicable reasons,

way back to the time when Ratso was a house-

pest at the loft and the cat had taken a Nixon in his red an-

tique shoe, which had once belonged to a dead man. Technically,

I

suppose, the shoe could never actually have

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE belonged to a dead man.

It

was

just that Ratso, as a matter

of custom, obtained his entire wardrobe from flea markets

and back alleyways and seemed to derive an inordinate

amount of pride from the his apparel

"How that?"

I

had gone

fact that the previous

could you sustain a grudge against a guy like

said to the cat.

The

cat focused nine hfetimes of green-eyed feline

malevolence direcdy through

mained

owners of

to Jesus.

inside

my left iris into whatever re-

my cranium.

"I see," I said. I

paced the

loft for

a few minutes.

Then

I

came back

again to the cat.

me

"Ratso told

something shockingly personal the

other day at a very coochi-poochi boomaUni restaurant," said.

I

"He needs my help." But now the cat was asleep. I

some

was just

lighting

my first cigar of the morning, taking

care to keep the tip of the cigar ever so slightly

little

above the flame from the kitchen match, when

what sounded

like

a large,

somewhat

I

heard

agitated pelican

My window

was on the

fourth floor of the old refurbished warehouse,

and through

shrieking outside

the grime

I

my

could plainly see that no pelican or stork of any

kind was resting on windowsill was a shit

window.

my

windowsill.

fairly sizable

The only

thing on the

quantity of residual pigeon

of a fashionably off-white color and shaped strikingly

like a

map of the

later

Hapsburg Empire.

This raised two distinct possibihties. Either ing had gone through

my

hear-

some uncanny enhancement process 23

KINKY FRIEDMAN recently or the pelican was a ventriloquist. As

matter over in

my

again, this time

much

peared to be calhng

my

Against

turned the

mind, the invisible pelican shrieked louder. Also, quite amazingly,

it

ap-

my name.

better judgment,

window

again and flung

into the

loft,

sat

I

it

open.

I

A

walked over to the frigid tail

wind blew

sending the cockroaches scurrying. The cat

on the desk, watching

me

with a

critical eye.

She did

not suffer fools gladly. In fact she did not suffer anyone gladly

and

this

number of

is

something

I'd

spoken to her about on a

occasions, usually after I'd

had three or four

shots of Jameson. I

my

stuck

my head out the window and immediately felt

nose hairs turn to

stalactites. I

large figure pacing back

sidewalk below.

It

little

It

key to the building in

York.

is I

a

and forth rapidly on the frozen

that fucldn'

removed the

of the refrigerator.

which

down and saw

was Rambam.

"Throw down I

looked

puppet head," he shouted.

black puppet head from the top

had a bright parachute attached, the its

mouth, and a big smile on

more than you could

its

face,

say for most people in

New

tpssed the puppet head out and watched

it

sail

down into Rambam iron grip. Then I slammed down the window and poured myself another cup of gracefully

's

steaming espresso.

Moments

later

Rambam and

I

were

sitting at

the

kitchen table, sipping espresso and looking at each other

rather dusty,

tured a long,

my

The set was Uttle used these days, and at the moment feaambitious cobweb stretching all the way from

from opposite sides of

old chessboard.

the white queen to the black knight at king's bishop three.

24

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "This

the chess set,"

is

"that

I said,

once used to play

I

the world grand master Samuel Reshevsky.

Houston, played

people simultaneously, beat us

fifty

was the youngest

player. I

Can you imagine

time. I

He came

was only seven years old

to

all. I

at

the

that? Seven years old."

puffed on the cigar and contemplated the old board.

Rambam

sipped his espresso.

**What have you done for us lately?" he said.

Fm

"Well,

"He s

getting ready to try to help Ratso,"

I said.

got a Httle problem."

'He certainly does," said Rambam. "Ratso told night,"

to get

I

me

something

Rambam

in confidence the other

over the Rockefeller ruse so as not

said, glossing

distracted.

'"Whatever

it

Rambam,

said

is,"

know." There was no particular love

"I

lost

want to

don't

amongst some of

the Village Irregulars.

Fm telling you is so you can help me

"The only reason help Ratso."

"Why

should

wouldn't piss on

"That

is

"Look.

me what

if I

asking a

was on

his

lot," I said.

problem

is

it if

and

Fll tell

you how

I

Just tell

would go

the problem belonged to anyone

world but Ratso. Then you just do what

wouldVe done and everything'U be "Then

Rambam. "He

fire."

Fm working on a lot of shit right now.

about taking care of else in the

help Ratso?" said

I

me

Fll

be a

real

I

fine."

grown-up private investigator?"

I

said.

"No," said

Rambam.

"You'll

Ratso."

25

be an

idiot for

helping

KINKY FRIEDMAN If the truth

be known,

I

was already smiling a

little bit

when I thought of the unhkely countenance of Ratso Rockefeller Besides, everything

This time

only taken

it'd

constipated people their

mere

don't get

it

existence

is

funny

if

you wait long enough.

me two days.

For some humorless,

takes a lifetime for

is

them

to see that

a joke and even then sometimes they

it.

"Ratso said that almost no one knows this about

him

—

"Almost no one cares," said Rambam. "

real

—but he was adopted. He was always

mother died

in childbirth but

told that his

some new evidence has

turned up to indicate she might

still

knows who the father was. He wants

be

me

alive.

to help

No one him

find

his true birth parents."

Rambam

did not look excited.

over to the espresso machine, and espresso.

ted the

He

got up, walked

made himself another

Then he stood by the kitchen counter and patThe cat was just perverse enough to tolerate

cat.

Rambam.

unfortunately, was just perverse

I,

enough

to

tolerate Ratso.

you what

"Til tell

find out the find her

name

wherever

do," said

I'll

Rambam

finally

of Ratso's birth mother and she's currently living,

served Ratso's table manners on a

I'll

"You

help you

which, having ob-

number of occasions,

is

probably East Roratunga." "Thanks,

you

Rambam,"

I said.

for an outspoken, mihtant

Rambam, however,

"That's very Christian of

Hebe."

wasn't listening.

He was

stroking

the cat and staring out the window, shaking his head ever so slightly.

There was a dangerous

26

Uttle smile

on

his face.

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "That bastard/' he "That s clever,"

I

said.

said,

"but

also a bit cold."

it s

"C'mon," said Rambam. ^Would you ever want to adopt a

little

orphan Ratso?'

"Of course

not,"

the cat to enlarge

I said,

turning dramatically toward

my audience.

There seemed

to

be

just a

hint of disapproval in the cat s eyes.

"But

I

have always wanted,"

adopt an adult Korean."

27

I

continued hurriedly, "to

CHAPTER

4

looked after a lot of lost sheep in my life," said we walked through the colorful,

"I've

Ratso later that evening as jangly streets of Little bit

Italy.

New

and was now what

"brisk."

Anywhere

The weather had warmed up

else they'd call

"Now," said Ratso,

The notion of Ratso saddened me.

them

He

me

pathetic light.

The

I

hell.

at a

am

my

lot

young family

one."

as a lost sheep, for

some

did not want

cold as

"I find

was, no doubt, a

unpleasant. But

within

it

he gazed

as

through a restaurant window,

a

Yorkers are fond of calhng

some

reason,

of things, most of

vestige of a

still,

small voice

friend to see himself in such a

voice said: "Help him, but don't ever

count on getting paid." "You're not a lost sheep,"

I

said. "Just

because you've

fallen in love with a succession of girlfriends all of

happen

to

have about forty-nine broken wings

—

whom

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "My dick isn't a psychiatrist," "If

was,"

it

I

said, "I

said Ratso.

never would Ve slept on your

couch." I

thought, a bit ruefully, of the

myself of Ratsos couch, before

I

many times Vd had a

cat,

or a

when

anything faindy resembling a job. Back

availed

was a

I

or

loft,

lost

Now that Fd grown up to become an adult collector, it was my turn to help Ratso. I vowed to

sheep myself.

stamp

myself that

at

one of the

"but finding out that identity

me.

let

him down.

funny thing," he

"Its a

each other

wouldn^t

I

who may

said, as

we

tables in

little

from

sat across

Luna s

Restaurant,

my mother is a real person with a real

still

be

alive has

been veiy unsettling

to

My whole life I was led to believe she died when I was

bom." ^'W^o told you that?"

"My dad," I

said Ratso.

—

thought of Ratso s dad

his adoptive father

—

^Jack

Sloman, who'd died quite recendy in Florida. Fd met him a few times. "I

He was

went

a kind

man. Very proud of his son.

to Florida several times to see

my

father

before he died," said Ratso. "But with the stroke and

Alzheimers he was too

far

gone

to talk.

He

and seemed almost to understand what all

I

recognized

me

was saying, but

he could do was he there and make noises hke a

little

bird." All of us

someday,

I

would probably make noises hke a

thought. If we were lucky.

The

our orders of hnguini with red clam sauce and for Ratso, a

huge cauldron of zuppa

httle bird

waiter brought

di pesce.

in addition,

He

attacked

the food Uke a frenzied priest going after an altar boy.

29

KINKY FRIEDMAN "At least your troubles don't seem to be affecting your appetite,"

I

said.

"I'm a

sheep," said Ratso. "Not an anorexic

lost

sheep."

"So what makes you think your

be

real

mother may

still

alive?"

"My mother mentioned

last

it

—

week. Shes in a

retire-

ment community in Florida "That's

my

dream,"

I

"To be one of the Shalom

said.

Retirement Village People. Maybe your mother and

will

I

put together a band."

"You tried that once," said Ratso. "Anyway, she luded to some

new information about my

my dad had kept in a safe deposit box. me to have it opened after he died." "Jesus,"

I

said.

real

mother

al-

that

She said he wanted

"Where's the safe deposit box?"

"In a bank." "I

know it's

in a bank, Ratso.

in the field of crime solving,

I

With

my vast experience

was able

to

deduce

that.

Where's the goddamn bank?" "Florida."

"So just have your mother go to the bank, open the safe deposit box,

and send what's ever

in there to you."

Ratso extracted the tentacle of a squid from the

zuppa

di pesce,

put

in his

it

apparently in answer to "I don't

want

to

do

that,"

about everything already and

go on some

active, personal

ents right now. That's to Florida. Talk to

mouth, and shook

his head,

my suggestion. he it

said. "She's

upset enough

wouldn't be right for

crusade to find

my

me to

birth par-

how I want you to help me. Go down

my

mother. Talk to the bank. Get into

30

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE the safe deposit box.

about

want

I

want

don*t

to talk to

my true birth mother just now. She

to involve her in this.

known and

I

want

don't

is

I

my mother

know if I ever

don*t

the only mother IVe ever

Fm

to hurt her. Also,

ambivalent myself at times about finding

somewhat

my real

"And I'm somewhat ambivalent about

mother.*'

getting

on a

plane and going down to Florida and not knowing who's

paying for

it."

"No problem,"

said Ratso. "Just put

on

it

my tab."

we trudged along the Italian ice of Mulberry Ratso's mood seemed, if possible, to deepen. But,

Later, as Street,

hke

all

his outlandish outfits

and dead men's accouter-

ments, he wore his self-pity well. find

some answers. Either

knew I had to help him

I

that or coddle a large Jewish

meatball for the rest of my natural "I

life.

appreciate your helping me," Ratso said, as

rounded a comer and headed toward a small cafe he

we fa-

vored because they had about a thousand different kinds of cannolis. "I haven't said

"You

I'll

help yet."

will."

"I couldn't

chance losing

my

Dr. Watson.

You bring

such a charming naivete to a case." "Especially this one," he said grimly.

He

stopped un-

der a street lamp and removed from his wallet a small, ancient-looldng piece of paper

"What's that?" "It's

I

said.

older than that,

for the lawyer

who

"Surely he's

"A if

you can believe

arranged

woken up

leftover bar mitzvah card?"

my adoption."

in hell

31

by now."

it.

It's

the card

KINKY FRIEDMAN "Probably. tell

think he was a pretty shady guy.

I

you how many times

in the past

I

can't

IVe thought about

try-

ing to find him, but something kept stopping me. Its like

wanted

know but

to

I

want

didn't

—now

know

to

it s

I

proba-

bly too late."

make up your

"Well,

work my balls your

ass "I

own."

off digging

this

information and then

and find out you don't want

want

to know.

just don't

I

He handed me the

"If

rabbit mind. I'm not going to

up

I

my pocket,

want

to find out

on

my

lawyer's card.

find out the truth,

ness card in

call

to know."

'

I said,

putting the old busi-

"I'm going to

tell

you. I'm not go-

ing to hold anything back."

"Even brightly I

lit

if

her?" said Ratso, as he gazed across the

it's

street,

an

infinite sadness in his eyes.

followed his gaze to a squalid figure standing on the

curbside beneath a

window

display of Mussolini T-shirts.

Somehow she appeared more like an ephemeral shadow than a human being. A disreputable shawl or blanket covered her head and most of her body and what apparendy

were her worldly possessions resided garbage bags even

looked for

all

now

spilling

some

the world like

briefly they

seemed

two large

plastic

half-forgotten character

when her

out of a Dickens novel, and

in

over into the gutter. She

eyes met mine very

disappearing into the

like fireflies

primeval night.

"Even

if

it's

her,"

I

We walked a little ing on

it

said.

farther

and

thoughtfully as the cafe

"Let's get

one thing

straight,"

32

I lit

came I

a cigar.

I

was puff-

into sight.

said.

"I'm not going to

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE investigate this because lost

I

feel sorry for you. You're not a

sheep." I

looked

cence of Little

at

Ratso carefully. In the neon incandes-

Italy his face reflected all the

pain of a

mo-

mentary mask of Greek tragedy. "Okay, Sherlock," he said. "So

Then what the I

little

curl

hell

glanced briefly

cafe. I

Fm

not a lost sheep.

am I?** at

the happy people sitting inside the

puffed on the cigar and watched the smoke

up past the

street

lamp and vanish

in the hghts of the

city.

*TouVe a fucked-up shepherd,"

33

I said.

CHAPTER

9

As THE LATE-MORNING SUN FILTERED FEEBLY INTO THE loft,

the cat sat on

ness card.

my

desk and studied the lawyers busi-

leaned back in

I

my

chair, leisurely sipping

an

espresso and smoking a cigar. If the guy had handled Ratso's adoption proceedings,

most certainly worm

bait

my

by

reckoning he was

by now. Either

al-

that, or his scat-

tered ashes were doing their dead-level best to perpetuate

the city s pollution problems.

"Have

The

I

missed something?"

cat said nothing.

I

said to the cat.

She continued her rather

in-

tense perusal of the small document.

"Guys got

to

be

in

some vacant

lot in

Brooklyn,"

I

"Probably pushing up poison

ivy."

The

puffed patiently on the

said.

cat stared at the card.

I

cigar.

"You know, the

life

span of most lawyers

is

often

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE briefer than their briefs. They're very anal retentive, they

make a

of money usually, and quite often in order to do

lot

wind up screwing a

that they

ishes them.

Of course,

of people and

lot

God pun-

poet Kenneth Patchen once

as the

said:

^Nobody's a long time.' That includes amateur detec-

tives

and

cats.

Especially cats

who

stare too long at busi-

ness cards." got

I

up

to

pour another espresso from the large

ver-and-bronze commercial-size espresso machine.

machine was sent

to

me

several years back

sil-

The

by a nice gen-

whom I've never met and Why he sent it and where it

tleman named Joe the Hyena, with any luck never

come from

might've

unsavory story which

will.

a laborious and,

is

falls

suspect, rather

I

into the some-things-are-better-

not-to-know department.

poured the espresso and was returning

I

when

a dull thudding sound began to emanate

from the ceiling of the class

was

at

it

again,

another thing that

looked up

at

switched her ciously,

Winnie

tail

vigil

got something there,"

cat

that

was

left

vi-

I

said to the cat.

reach."

all,

it

again, this time

reflected, this

I

all

in his possession since all

The

over the card.

picked up the card and studied

was

to know.

back and forth a few times rather

business card, this artifact, was

only

want

didn't really

my boardinghouse

been

dance

the ceiling with an irritated expression,

with a softer focus. After

said. It

downward

Katz's lesbian

and what exactly went on up there was I

"Maybe you've

I

loft.

then resumed her

"Pardon

It'd

to the desk

worn old

Ratso had to hold on

to.

he was a young boy, he'd

of a mother and father he could

dream about. The mere taking of the card from 35

KINKY FRIEDMAN Ratso, itual

I

now

realized,

was

practically

tantamount to a

spir-

commitment on my part.

The lawyers name was William Hamburger, humorous and unusual name, and

New

that

a slightly

was good. Even

in

Ham-

York there couldn't be that many guys named

burger.

The

firm was

of those firms,

could

call

&

Hamburger

Hamburger.

It

up and

Hamburger

Mr.

say: "Is

was one

where you

briefly explained to the cat,

I

in?"

and they'd

say "No, he's away fi-om the office," and you could say

"Well then, dress and

is

Mr.

Hamburger

phone number did not look

ous or promising.

It

was an address

particularly

humor-

Brooklyn on Court letters

for "Ulster," but in this case,

appropriately could Ve stood for "Ulcer," because

trying to run

down something this

old very hkely was going

me one.

to give

''Where there's a cat. "Let's call I

in

and the phone number was preceded by the

Street

"UL," which might Ve stood

more

in?" Unfortunately, the ad-

will, there's

a lawyer,"

I

said to the

him."

dialed the number.

man

"Hel-lo," said a

enough

to float

with an Oriental accent thick

wontons on.

If this

burger, he must have been to

was Wilham Ham-

Buddha and back

a few

times by now.

"Good morning,

"Fm

sir,"

I

said in an important voice.

WiUiam Hamburger."

trying to locate a Mr.

"No have hamburger,"

said the

"Hold the weddin',"

said. "I don't

—

burger

I

want

I

man.

want

to find him. He's a lawyer

phone number years

ago."

36

to eat

ham-

who had

this

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "Awwwww," said the man. "You mean royer. He die many years ago. But son take over business. Move to rower Manhattan. Son big royer now."

"Son big royer now,"

The

with the guy.

cat

I

said to the cat after

Fd hung up

was curled up under the desk lamp

and showed no reaction whatsoever. This did not surprise me, since she had demonstrated no sense of humor from the time Fd

first

known

her eyes halfway and stare

moue

of distaste.

me

at

Or maybe

She did deign

her.

it

either,

open

to

with a very thinly veiled

was a

mew of distaste.

This

wasn't terribly surprising either, for cats are very politically correct creatures. Ethnic mimicry sends I lit

them up the

wall.

a fresh cigar, picked up the blower on the

left,

and dialed information.

"What city?"

said a

bored male voice with a high-octane

lisp.

"Manhattan."

"How can clear

I

help you?" he

said, in a voice that

made

it

he wouldn't throw a rubber swan to a drowning man.

"How many Hamburgers you got in Manhattan?" "Twelve

billion served,"

he

said, really

going to town

on the word "served." "Let

me

rephrase that,"

named Hamburger you "Let I

tion

me

see,"

waited.

he

I

said.

this.

Rambam had

birth parents can fyingly dull.

So

told

be tedious,

far,

people

said.

He hummed. The

cat slept.

was not exactly roaring off the

pected

"How many

got?"

The

starting line.

me

futile,

that

investiga-

But Fd ex-

most searches

and quite

for

often, stulti-

he wasn't wrong.

By the time the operator had 37

finished counting

Ham-

KINKY FRIEDMAN burgers,

I

was beginning preparations

hang myself by

to

the heels from the bronze eagle on the top of the espresso

machine. Finally, he stopped

"About ten," he

humming and spoke

again.

said.

"And how many live in lower Manhattan?" The operator sighed a very audible, theatrical sigh. But he did resume his humming. I took this as an encouraging sign. "Three," he said, somewhat peevishly. "Great,"

I

said.

"Can you give

me

those three

num-

bers?"

He sighed again, but this time he didn't really seem to have

his heart in

Eventually,

it.

if

somewhat

coyly,

he

coughed up the information. "Thanks,"

hamburgers you

"Sorry these weren't the kind of

said.

I

eat."

"How can you be began

I

so sure?" he said.

calling the

nailed the lawyer the

lower Manhattan Hamburgers and

first

time out of the box. Things were

picking up.

By

stating that the matter

was able

to get an

was one of great urgency

name was Moie Hamburger

—

that very afternoon.

course, "urgent" was not quite the proper this investigation.

I

—whose

appointment with the lawyer

The

Also,

my client wasn't

sults.

But these days

word

Of

to apply to

case was already older than God.

sure that he wanted to

New

know

the re-

York has become so crazy that

things have to be urgent. Important doesn't

work any-

more. Before called

I

left for

Rambam

to

my

make

meeting with Moie Hamburger, sure

38

I

knew what

I

I

was looking

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Rambam

for.

said that having the lawyer run a

would be the

easiest but the

guy might charge

file

check

me my

el-

I told Rambam I didn't have an eldest "How can you be so sure?" he said. I told him that was

dest son for the fee. son.

the second time

wanted anyone

Fd been asked

to ask

me

that question

that again.

"How

and

I

never

can you be so

sure?" he said.

According to Rambam, the

file

Fd have

check,

to

if I didn't

check the

lawyers permission, of course.

want to spring

files

Rambam

for

myself, with the

guessed they'd

probably be in some old warehouse in Brooklyn, the

thought of which caused

me to roll my eyeballs toward the

lesbian dance class. Again, according to

looking for legal

files,

Rambam,

I

was

case notes that pertained to appUca-

tions for custody, or custody transfers. All actual court files,

he

said,

would probably be

"Just like

my fate is

sealed,"

"He's your friend," said

sealed. I said.

Rambam

cheerfully, as

he

hung up the phone. with

A short time later, my hat and coat,

cat's

heat lamp on the desk, and headed for the door.

I

grabbed a handful of cigars along

killed all the lights except for the

"I'm off to see the royer"

She

didn't

even

flinch.

39

I

said.

CHAPTER

6

Unless you're planning on making a pilgrimage to the grave of Clarence Darrow, a ifests itself as

come

visit to

an attorney rarely man-

a particularly spiritual experience. Folks

to lawyers usually have a problem.

who

By the time they

leave the lawyers office they usually have a complicated,

expensive problem. Lawyers don't intentionally try to things costlier or

more

tedious for their clients.

can't help themselves. It

is

the

make

They

just

way of their people.

Moie Hamburger, of the lower Manhattan Hamburgers,

I

suspected, was no exception.

firm was

all

decorous,

would a

done up

in

The outer

office of the

about eleven shades of

extremely expensive-looking gray.

file

check be

fiscally

tasteful,

Not only

out of the question here,

you'd probably have to leave a retainer the size of the battleship

Potemkin

if

you wanted them to check your

hat.

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE I

my name to the

gave

receptionist

surprisingly ingenuous smile. Probably

down on

and she gave

new

in town. I sat

a couch the color of twilight, picked

and watched

Street Gerbil,

as the

busy

me a

little

up a Wall secretaries

and paralegal types rushed hither and thither carrying thick sheaves of important-looking documents, likely

generated by somebody's

highly

all

insured

very four-

wheeled penis allegedly being tail-ended by a Dodge Dart or by

some

alert individual allegedly getting

tographed down

at

coveting his neighbors

now safely in

himself pho-

the No-Tell Motel in the expUcit act of ass.

Needless to

say,

everything was

the hands of the lawyers.

Allegedly.

Moie Hamburgers composed of

still

burger himself, pected.

I

his father first

tual tar

baby

I

more shades of

who was

lamped him

he'd conceivably

office,

still

a bit

soon discovered, was

o-l-d than

for being in his late sixties,

have been in law school

became

that the

fatefully

world

Ham-

gray, including

more

at

Fd

the time

entangled with the

now knew

ex-

meaning

spiri-

as Larry "Ratso"

Sloman.

Hamburger was aged

man

a distinguished-looking, Idndly-vis-

with a big white beard that, unlike the rhetoric

of most lawyers,

came

to a point.

Hundreds of years ago

in

Norway or someplace he would Ve made a good-looking More evidence for my theory that all of us are drawn

king.

to occupations for nately, the

As

I

which weVe horribly

ill

suited. Unfortu-

theory also apphed to me.

entered the narrow entranceway to the

large, hirsute individual

who

office, a

roughly resembled an abom-

41

KINKY FRIEDMAN inable

snowman with

me on

the

left. I

step out of his

a chip on his shoulder barreled by

did a

quickly improvised Texas two-

Uttle,

way and walked over

to

Hamburgers

large,

well-pohshed, important-looking desk. ^^VVhat

the

was that?"

I

nodding

said,

in the direction of

empty passageway.

Hamburger with

"Just a chent," said

"who s been with the firm "In that case,"

"How can

I

just

I said, "I'll

be a moment."

help you, Mr. Friedman?" he said, begin-

ning to show a few signs of mild

**Why don't

a rueful smile,

a long time."

we

start

with

irritation.

this," I said, as I

placed the

archaic business card on his desk.

"Wow,"

said

Hamburger,

as

he looked

at

the card. His

spasm of something

face appeared to soften with a brief

mask of some

like nostalgia, then, just as quickly,

became

more contemporary countenance,

possibly wariness or dis-

trust,

which almost caused him

come

into possession of this?"

"A friend gave

to

it

me,"

he

a

to squirm.

"How'd you

said.

I said.

"I figured

the

way

to

the father was through the son."

"That path burger.

"My

may prove

"Sorry to hear that,"

"So stirrings

I

it

I

Ham-

said.

ask you again," he said, with a few

of irritation, "how can

The card was what

a httle difficult," said

father died twenty years ago."

still

on

his

I

more sUght

help you, Mr. Friedman?"

desk but

it

had become again

always had been, a thing of the past.

"My

friend, the

one who gave

me

your

father's card,

was adopted. Your father handled the adoption proceed-

42

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE ings.

My friend never knew his real parents. He was always

led to believe his

mother had died

Now, with

in childbirth.

the death of his adoptive father, his mother has mentioned to

him

may be documents

that there

in a

bank deposit box

in Florida that say otherwise."

"Have you checked these documents?' burger.

There was a rather intense "But

"I shall," I said.

ground here

in

New

first

Td

York. That

Ham-

said

curiosity in his face. like to get a little

would

start

back-

with your old

files."

'What s your

friend s

"Larry Sloman," Ratso."

One

I

name?" asked Hamburger.

said.

"Known

to his intimates as

blue vein was pulsating rather noticeably in

Moie Hamburger s forehead. "Running a formal

check on that period would be

file

very expensive for you and not possible for us right

now

What

legal

I

can do

warehouse

up and still

is

sort

through

there, should

I'm not

give

you an authorization

in Brooklyn. Just

at all

it

show it

to the

yourself Those old

be on the

fifth floor,

to

our

guard and go on files, if

they're

section fourteen.

sure you'll find what you're looking

for,

but

happy hunting."

Hamburger drew legal letterhead

from

few sentences.

He

I

got up, he

him and headed

his

if

the

I

document were of some grave

handed

me

the page, and

I

thanked

for the door.

"There's something said.

desk and proceeded to scribble a

paused somewhat somberly and then

signed his name, as import.

a sheet of stationery with his firm's

I

think you ought to know," he

stopped and turned around.

43

KINKY FRIEDMAN

said

on me,"

"Lay

it

"Fm

not at liberty to give you any names or details,"

Hamburger,

as

I

I

said.

looked into his suddenly rather chilly

blue eyes. "But youVe not the this

matter"

44

first

to

approach

me

about

CHAPTER

7

Most people

in

Manhattan beueve that

outside of Manhattan proper the world

very well

fall

map and end up

off the

Queens or worse. This gressive idea,

is

a highly evolved, extremely pro-

in

order to

fully develop.

my

cabdriver bore a

resemblance to Idi Amin. Eventually,

map and ended up

looldng building I

large

man wearing

fell

off the

end

in the

bowels of Brooklyn.

Hamburgers note

to a

a small hat, and strode purposefully

relative to the

Street, which,

least

more than passing

we

shadowy warehouse. The elevator

was a blood

Cer-

in front of a grim, foreboding-

somewhere

paid the cabbie, showed

into the

in BrooklvTi or

was fraught with many dangers, not the

of which was that

of the

they travel

and they may

which has required generations of lasagna

and pastrami sandwiches tainly the trip

if

is flat

one

in

my

to the fifth floor

building on

now that I thought about

it,

Vandam

had once been a

KINKY FRIEDMAN warehouse

itself. It

was too bad elevators only moved up

and down and never got a chance

meet each

to

other.

The

occupants of the elevators not only moved up and down, of course, but could also

move

horizontally across the board.

Section fourteen was not hard to find, and set

I

quickly

about searching for S for Sloman. So far so good. File

cabinets populated the warehouse floor, which was like a

small city of

its

were residing

own

in the

ladder out of the

and, par for the course, the S

penthouse.

I

files

pulled a dusty Jacobs

comer and climbed

step by step closer to

Ratso s past, which heretofore had been shrouded in mystery. I

knew roughly what

I

was looking

was cold

as hell but if the

off the ladder ting

I

The warehouse

Angel of Death didn't push

didn't break

my

neck,

I felt I

was

me get-

warm. I

found the Sloman

and navigated

my

and

apphcation for

for:

custody, custody transfer, case notes, etc.

file,

slipped

it

out of the cabinet,

my way down the ladder, holding the file in my cigar as ballast. The Flying Wal-

teeth and using

come to Brooklyn. I walked over to a grime-covered window and opened the file. I speed-read through the usual legal mumbo-jumbo until I got to the line where Ratsos mothers name was supposed to be. Either her name was "Court File lenda Brothers

Sealed" or

I

was going to have to look elsewhere and

truth.

Ratso's adoptive parents. Jack

there,

surrounded by massive bookends of

nouncements. Ratso was already told

me

that.

manure there had

to

bom

at

Somewhere

for the

Lilyan, legal

were pro-

Bellevue Hospital. He'd in all this ancient horse

be one Hve maggot.

Sure enough, on the

last

46

page of the

file,

under the

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE heading "Amended Petition" flash in the pile.

island

No man

I

found the only

an island, they

it

as

real

news

unless that

my

friend

rather succinctly: "Your heart at-

my hangnail." And yet I was mildly surprised at how a

cold fact that was forty-seven years old and to Ratso

"No

say,

happens to be called Manhattan. Or,

Speed Vogel once put tack,

is

had affected me. The statement

unknown even

in question read:

claim exists to minor child except that of mother;

male parent now known to be deceased." At

least there

was one

less

47

person to look

for.

CHAPTER

6

By the time

I

got out of the warehouse, evening was

falling clumsily

onto a cold, leaden landscape that ap-

peared to have been painted by some Van Gogh on to the

comer

liquor store. That s

where

I

his

way

was headed,

too.

There was a pay phone on the comer and

I

wanted

to call

Ratso.

As

I

ankled

down

to the comer, the

wind seemed

pick up and the people appeared to scurry about like

new

land of rodent. Newspapers

full

to

some

of yesterday s heroes

me along the sidewalk. I had all I could do to my cowboy hat, so I didn't give a lot of thought

swirled past

hold on to to a

man

side of the

in a black leather overcoat leaning against the

warehouse shielding

cigarette in the wind. tell

Ratso.

I

his face

by trying

was thinking about what

to light a I

should

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE When

I

got

his father. I just

him on the phone

made

I

didn't tell

him about

him

sure he*d be there and told

was coming by with an update on the

investigation.

I

I

did

because, though his father was a distant figure that

this

he'd never known, like a shadow on a wall in Hiroshima, his father

was

his father. I also didn't say anything

because

another distant figure, the guy in the black overcoat, had just

gone inside the liquor store and was now browsing the

aisles, I

looking furtively in

hack for York

you

my direction.

collared the blower

its

like

hire.

Nothing.

and scanned the

When

never there, and

street for a

you need a hack

when you

in

New

don't they surround

urine-colored lava. Cabs are like

women,

horses, or happiness, or money, or pet parakeets. If

or

you

pursue them with great ardor

you'll

never have them. If

you honesdy don't give a damn

they'll

very often light right

on your shoulder,

in

which case the pet parakeet

is,

of

course, preferable to the horse or the cab.

The guy

in the liquor store picked

something that looked

moment, then put

it

like

up a

bottle of

Southern Comfort, held

back on the

shelf.

it

for a

He had a good face

to play cards with. I

thought back to Moie Hamburger's words as I'd

his office. "You're not the first to

approach

me

about

left:

this

needed was a Day of the Jackal-type character following me in Brooklyn. But why would anymatter." Terrific. All

I

one care? What was there about that

would give a busy I

Ratso's misbegotten birth

New Yorker pause?

crossed the street and headed back up the block,

and the guy came out of the hquor

49

store

and began follow-

KINKY FRIEDMAN ing

me

like a

guy was not a particularly

tracks. This

who would want me

mothers

tracks.

I

to say, like a bride

invisible

but

tail,

The obvious why would he bother

tailed in the first place?

candidate was Moie Hamburger, but

first"?

its

schmuck imprinting Ratsos mothers

a baby

like

felt

baby duck imprinting

on her wedding

night, "You're not the

My paranoia was redlining.

After several blocks of hide-and-seek a large

woman

minks family

in a coat that

out of a cab, and

tree, getting

place as the occupant.

I finally

I left

took her

I

the guy in the black overcoat

running down the sidewalk toward a parked driver Ratso s address,

spotted

must Ve decimated some

and told him

to step

car,

on

gave the

it.

"Posse after you?" said the driver. "rll let I

No

posse.

to give a

ward

you know,"

I

said.

looked around a few times before

No

cavalry.

No

damn whether

No

Indians.

or not

I

we

left

reason for anybody

awkwardly stumbled

the truth about the birth parents of

"Ratso" Sloman.

To play

it

No

reason at

but

I

Italian

saw no

the cab a few blocks from I

loitered

bakery and a Korean greengrocers

sign of the

guy

to-

one Larry

all.

safe, I jetted

Ratsos place on Prince Street in the Village.

around an

Brooklyn.

store,

in the black overcoat. It

turned into a cold, dark night and

I

had

stopped into a comer

grocery on Sullivan Street to get a large black coffee to go. I

took a few sips and I'd

lit

a cigar out on the sidewalk.

never handled a missing-person case where you

turned the clock back quite

—almost

this far

fifty years.

No

doubt there were procedural methods and approaches to

50

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE such an investigation but

Rambam

were.

know who

didn't

I

know what

the hell they

wasn't being overly helpful and

else to turn to for advice. It

was

thought darkly, that Ratso wasn't telling

Maybe I wasn't asking him the some more coffee, took a few walked briskly up to

me

his building,

on the

where

I

I

everything.

right questions.

puffs

didn't

I

also possible,

sipped

I

cigar,

and

pushed 6G,

which, according to Ratso, stood for God. After an irritatingly long wait in the cold, Ratso's rodentlike voice

'"Who "It's

is it?"

where

up

to

six,

"Who it

said, "looking for

bum

and leaned on

is it?"

he

6G."

said.

through the dingy, urine-scented

Ratso's pet

usually slept, took the eleva-

Ratso's doorbell.

shouted Ratso.

"Jesus Christ! Let "Is

I

in. Antichrist,"

strolled quickly

I

tor

said.

the Antichrist,"

"Come foyer

he

heard

I

powering over the intercom.

me in!"

Jesus Christ or the Antichrist?** said Ratso.

"Please be specific.

It

could be important."

"Please, Ratso. I've got to talk to you."

I

also

had

to

urinate hke a racehorse.

"Sounds hke Jesus Christ." "Goddamnit, Ratso, I'm gonna "Nope.

It's

Eventually,

kill

you."

the Antichrist." I

heard the various chains and bars and

tumblers moving through their machinations as Ratso be-

gan the rather laborious process of opening locked door. to protect

What

in the hell

was another question.

51

his triple-

he was striving so zealously

How in the hell

I'd

gotten

KINKY FRIEDMAN myself involved in

At

last

this investigation

was

another.

still

swung open and there was Ratso

the door

dressed in a coonsldn cap, longjohn pajamas that looked

hke they'd once gone West with Lewis and Clark, and a pair of red shoes that

I

knew from

past encounters

had

once belonged to a dead man. shouted

"Kinkstah!" didn't

you say

it

Ratso

"I'm going for a low profile on this case,"

endeavored to carefully navigate the narrow Ratso's

"Why

enthusiastically.

was you?"

body and

several

hundred hockey

said, as

I

I

strait

between

sticks

he kept

precariously balanced against his doorframe.

^What've you got?" Ratso asked eagerly. "I've got a full bladder, Ratso,"

get out of

my way,

I'd

I said.

"Now

hke to shake hands with the

"You are the Antichrist,"

I

heard Ratso say as

if you'll

devil." I

closed

the door to his overheated bathroom, which was about the size of

my nose.

Moments

later

I

was pacing back and forth

in Ratso's

cluttered hving room with Ratso comfortably ensconced

on

his

famous couch with the skid marks on couch and

called that

home. As

I

this ragged,

glanced around

at

jumbled

I'd

it.

living

once

room

the statue of the Virgin

Mary, the polar bear's head, the ten thousand books on Jesus, Hitler,

and Bob Dylan, the photos of Ratso shaking

hands with Richard Nixon and posing with Bob Dylan (nothing with him and Jesus or Hitler, unfortunately), the

two huge

television screens soundlessly, simultaneously

emitting a hockey

game and

a porno movie,

forted with the knowledge that you can't go

52

I

felt

home

com-

again.

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "Your real father

is

dead, Ratso,"

I

said softly. "Ac-

cording to the application for custody that

I

found

in the

legal files."

Ratso s form on the couch seemed suddenly forsaken.

He watched

the screens sightlessly and

huddle there, withdrawing ever so

my mother?"

*What about "Her name stead,

is

he

a long shot.

this

said.

— Sealed.

records at Bellevue Hospital, but it s

it s

I

line. In-

can check the

been a long time and

may very well have to go to

I

to almost

on the appropriate

filled in

Court File

reads:

it

not

seemed

slightly into himself.

Florida before

over."

is

He

Kinkstah," said Ratso.

"You're a real friend,

picked up the remote control unit and killed the porno movie. "I want you to find

A

short time

my mother," he said. put

later, I'd

my

coat on and

lit

fresh cigar, in preparation for departure. Ratso

up

still

a

re-

mained where he was on the couch, silendy following the silent

hockey players while other thoughts,

back and forth across the

As

way

I

far ice of his

I

knew, weaved

memory.

walked past an overpopulated coffee table on the

to the

door

stack of books. Investigator.

noticed a

I

It

The

bill

lying

on top of a disorderly

was from one Robert McLane, Private

bill

contended that Ratso was past due

in

paying him four hundred dollars for services rendered.

"What the

hell

is

this?"

I

the coffee table and holding

and

said, it

picking the

bill

up from

between the hockey game

Ratso's face.

"Oh,

I

forgot to

tell

you,

I

53

^uess. That's a

guy

I

hired

KINKY FRIEDMAN to look into this a while back. Robert

He's off the case now. "You're

I

goddamn

McLane. I'm

sorry.

should Ve told you, Kinkstah."

right

you should've told me."

"Anyway, he didn't find anything and

I

guess

never

I

paid him." "There's a shocker"

"You want to the bedroom.

call

the guy, go ahead. Use the phone in

Compare

notes or whatever. Tell him the

check's in the mail." I

took the

Pi's bill

and headed

surprised at Ratso. Just a

little

tory aspect of the hockey I

for the

little

game came

bedroom,

just a

The

audi-

surprised.

roaring to Hfe just as

was closing the bedroom door Ratso had been a rather

repellent friend of

mine

reason he was going to

Ten minutes suppose

my

face

a rare occasion

game

later

for over

make I

twenty years.

stood to

came out of the bedroom and

and demeanor

when Ratso

told the story, because

kills

I

it's

the sound on a hockey

twice in one afternoon.

"What'd you find out?" Ratso I

It

a rather repellent client.

said.

took a patient puff on the cigar and exhaled a thick

plume of smoke

in the general direction of the polar bear's

head.

"Did you compare notes with the guy?" Ratso wanted to know.

"No,

I

did not compare notes with the guy,

"and there's a very good reason for

"

I

said,

it."

'"What's the reason?" said Ratso. I

put the invoice back on the coffee table and walked

over to the window beside the Virgin Mary.

54

The

cigar

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE smoke appeared

to

be making a nice

around her head, but

I

didn't

"Because he s dead,"

little

blue-gray halo

pay her too much attention.

I said.

55

CHAPTER

9 i

Three days later

I

stood at my kitchen window, look-

ing over a cloud-shrouded

Vandam

Street

and feeling a

great spiritual kinship with Robert Louis Stevenson,

spent the

last

years of his

world in voluntary

exile

life

cut off from the rest of the

on Samoa.

I felt

kinship with Stevenson as well, since

sarong and

my

faithful

who

a certain sartorial I

was wearing a

purple bathrobe and Stevenson

perpetually wore a long dark blue velvet housecoat over his

pajamas even when greeting formally dressed

who'd come

to

"He had lived in tels

visitors

meet the great man.

a pet mouse, you know,"

I

said to the cat.

"He

Hawaii for a while on Waikild Beach before any ho-

were there and before ninety-seven Japanese

were waiting

to

make

a land assault

tourists

upon every elevator

Before Stevenson went to sleep each night he'd take out his flute

and play a

little

Scottish tune,

and

this little

mouse

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE would come out from wherever he was hiding and dance around the room. By world s worst

all

records, Stevenson

flute players

but

it

didn't

seem

was one of the to bother

him

or the mouse."

The She

seem

story didn't

sat stoically

to bother the cat

on the window-sill and

let

it

much roll

either.

by with

the clouds.

"Stevenson loved the Samoan people and they loved him, caUing him Tusitala, which means teller of

Though he died almost is

a

ing

exactly a

hundred years

tales.

ago, there

Samoan song that is still sung to the captains of arrivships. The song at one point inquires if Mr Robert

Louis Stevenson

The narrative.

is

aboard the ship."

seemed to be paying attention to my Her eyes appeared to have changed slighdy, I

cat, at last,

noticed, from their normal green perpetual pinwheels of

malice to placid green pools of reflection in which see the sadness in for Stevenson; felt for

it

my own

was a

my old friend

face. It

was not

I

could

just a sadness

wistful state of melancholia that

I

Ratso and for myself.

For the past three days Fd

tried in vain to learn

more

about McLane, the PI Ratso had hired who'd so recently

The phone number I'd called from Ratso's apartment had now been disconnected. The small agency he'd run had also seemed suddenly to blip off the screen. The lawyer Moie Hamburger, according to his secretary, gone to

Jesus.

was out of the country on an extended vacation. Perhaps Ratso had not been totally open with tion,

me

about the situa-

but clearly something was going on that neither of us

understood.

he was

Some

in danger.

little I

prickling inner sense told

had a

me

that

sick, persistent feeling that far

57

KINKY FRIEDMAN from

him

his finding his mother,

And

first.

something horrible might find

there was nothing

could do but smoke a

I

I

cigar

and

talk to a cat.

"Rambam s be forthcoming

grudging help,"

continued, "will also not

I

He

in the foreseeable future.

left

a mes-

sage on the machine this morning from the airport that

he s on

his

way

to

Hong Kong

to investigate a slip-and-fall

accident aboard a junk for a lawyer in Seattle. After that,

he

says, he's

apparendy jumping through

his asshole

with

the paratroopers from the Burmese Airborne Battalion. There's a nice

The

cat

bunch of fellows

jumped

be jumping with."

to

off the windowsill

and landed on the

kitchen table without a parachute. She did not care a

about

politics or

governments and she liked

slighdy better than she liked Ratso, which

Rambam is

fig

only

to say not a

hell of a lot.

"Anyway,

we Ve reached an

apparent dead end in the

New York. There s no one to investigate and no one to advise me what to do. The only other private incase here in

vestigator nia.

could go to for advice

I

Names Kent

Texas boy.

I

Perkins.

I

left

living in Califor-

He

used to refer to

his

"

cat gave a htde

"Anyway,

now

a big oY good-natured

think you'd like him.

penis as *the Spoiler.'

The

Hes

is

mew of distaste.

him a message but

I

haven't heard

back from him." I

now

walked over to the espresso machine, which was

giving forth a fairly decent racket and

hot, steaming

cup that tasted almost

rent attitude toward this case.

58

I

drew myself a

as bitter as

my

cur-

paced back and forth

in

I

s

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE the drafty old

loft,

pufBng the

cigar

and sipping the

espresso and carrying on a one-sided conversation with

myself or the cat or some for

all I

knew.

It

Ratsos mother,

silent witness.

wasn't very healthy really and

made me

it

feel kind of paranoid.

man talking at great who was now chasing a

"There s nothing wrong with a length to a cat,"

I

said to the cat,

cockroach around the far comer of the kitchen counter. talked to Bellevue Hospital yesterday

"Besides,

I

bad news

is

good news

that their records don't go back that

is

me

that they didn't ask

to

come

and the far.

The

in for obser-

vation." I

glanced quickly

at the cat,

the counter staring at me. akin to a form of feline

who was now

thought

I

empathy

possible that the cockroach

her eyes.

in

sitting

on

detected something

I

It

was

also

had now crawled up on the

wall behind me.

"So Robert Louis Stevenson,"

I

said,

"had been a

named Mataafa, and once he personally arranged to release many of Mataafa followers from a wrongful imprisonment. The Samoans, great friend of a

Samoan

quite reasonably, hated ers

were

chieftain

manual

labor.

But once the prison-

released, they set about building a road

town of Apia

from the

The road, which still The Road of the Lx)ving

to Stevenson's house.

stands today in Samoa, was called "

Hearts.'

A

short while later, the cat was asleep, the street was

noticeably darker, and

I

was

still

staring into the gloom. Ratso

best friends,

I

thought.

What 59

standing at the window,

was one of the

hell.

If

my

oldest

and

Robert Louis

KINKY FRIEDMAN Stevenson, with his travel

sickly constitution, could

from Scotland to the South Sea

could certainly make a

couldVe been

It

make

and

frail

the decision.

my

Or

mined

to

Maybe

it

Or

I

my own

couldVe been

me

to

I

I

me

at

all.

that.

"The Road of the Loving Hearts,"

beyond Samoa.

60

I'd

was now deter-

go to Florida had nothing to do with

itself

me

selfish

admit failure once

possibly, the fact that

was much simpler than

sometimes extends

figured

natural curiosity that helped

it

pride that wouldn't allow

taken on a job.

Islands,

trip to Florida.

it

would seem,

CHAPTER

10

Two DAYS LATER,

HAVING ASCERTAINED FROM RaTSO

contact his adoptive mother once

I

got to Florida,

barked upon the brief httle mission that nally

shed some

light

safe deposit

box

bare in Florida,

come

his father

was the only lead I

I

I

had

emfi-

his biological

to the conclusion that the

had mentioned

left.

I

hoped would

on the identity of

mother. I'd pretty well

HOW TO

mother

cupboard turned up

If the

figured, Ratso

to his

was going to have to hire

Nero Wolfe.

"And "is

that,"

I

said to the cat as

I

packed

my

going to cost money."

The

cat,

understandably nervous about the presence

of the suitcase, didn't care a flea about anyone lems. If the truth be known, she as

suitcase,

well had

else's

would probably

Ratso never been bom.

Of

prob-

feel just

course,

that

KINKY FRIEDMAN would Ve made

even more

it

difficult for

me

to find his

mother.

more hopeless the case appeared

Sadly, the

the

more depressed

I

privately

me

to

became about my

and

involve-

ment, the more upbeat and positive was Ratso s attitude.

tell

"I know you'll find her, Kinkstah," when you're onto something."

he'd said.

"I

can

"Don't get your hopes up just because I'm going to Florida," I'd said.

"We

could be off on the wrong

trail alto-

gether." "I'd hate to think," Ratso

had

said, "that

my mother

was a red herring."

When

packed the

I'd

suringly, fished

Holmes

lock

suitcase,

I

patted the cat reas-

around inside the porcelain head of Sher-

for the extra

the stairs to Stephanie

key to the

loft,

and headed up

DuPont s apartment. Stephanie was

a drop-dead-gorgeous five-eleven blonde I'd been establishing a rapport with over the past year to at least the

point where she'd grudgingly assented to feed the cat for

two days while

I

was away

in Florida. In the past I'd left

the cat with Winnie Katz, but our relationship had deteriorated dating almost exactly from the day

and her two our

lives.

and

I

little

The

dogs,

when Stephanie

Pyramus and Thisbe, walked

into

sordid truth of the matter was that Winnie

now considered ourselves rival suitors for Stephanie's Whenever the lesbian dance class over my head

affection.

became

silent these days, I worried.

"God, nerd," said Stephanie when she opened her door, "what

is

that ridiculous hairball growing beneath

your lower hp?"

rd been experimenting

lately

62

with a slightly

new

for-

"

"

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE mation of facial

hair.

Figured

go over weU with

it'd at least

the Cubans.

"Fm worldn' on my whiteman-hater," you

I said.

**What do

think?**

"Too bad," she

was hoping

said. "I

was

it

lip

cancer."

Stephanie had a rather caustic wit about her, to put

been the most

mildly. If she hadn't

and

sexiest, funniest,

anybody'd ever

it

beautiful, smartest,

woman in the world, I doubt if

tallest

talk to her.

But she was and they

did. If

they could.

"Now all you "is

to feed the cat

have to do,"

I said,

as

maybe once or twice

got out the key,

I

—

a day

"Once." "Cat s not going to like that." "Neither

am

I."

Stephanie, no doubt, cat fairly

still

remembered the time the

shredded her beloved Maltese, Thisbe.

It

had

been an unfortunate incident that had occurred some time ago during

my

town Judy and

rather checkered campaign to locate it

hadn't exactly

my relationship with "It'd tle

be nice

to

Stephanie.

also,"

I

continued,

presence around the

might be to put on

smoking a cigar

Up-

been brick and mortar

loft in

my cowboy

late at night

—

"if you'd

my

keep up a

absence.

hat and

sit

at

ht-

One

idea

my

desk

"Stop," she said.

Then she smiled

incredulously. This

a noise hke a bubbling brook that

somewhere "Was

in

her throat.

that a laugh?"

"I'm trying not to vomit."

63

seemed

was followed by to

emanate from

KINKY FRIEDMAN "That was a laugh. You know what

always say:

I

'If

you can make a woman laugh, you can take her to bed with "

you/

"You know what "

my mother always

me?"

told

'Don't go out with Jews'?"

"No," said Stephanie DuPont, with the sultry smile

still

ticcing Ughtly

never, never go to

on her

lips.

"She

little

said: 'Never,

bed with a man who wears a whiteman-

"

hater.'

Then she

kissed

me

lightly

on the hps,

my

whiteman-hater, took the key from

just

above the

hand, and closed

the door.

"Not bad," loft.

I

said to the cat, as

"First a Rockefeller,

I

walked back into the

now a DuPont."

64

CHAPTER

11

A SHORT TIME

AND CIGAR IN HAND, I was walking out the door of the loft when the phones rang. I walked back to the desk, set down my suitcase, and LATER, WITH SUITCASE

picked up the blower on the "Start talkin',"

"This

is

I

left.

said.

the voice of your conscience," said the

blower.

"Impossible," at

him."

I

"Hes

I said.

gave a perfunctory

right

little

here and

Fm

lookin'

Nero Wolfe-hke nod

to

Sherlock Holmes s head. His face remained impassive.

"Maybe your conscience California," tive,

somewhat primitive

"No

just hkes to visit

Southern

drawled the friendly voice, placing a suggesinflection

self-respecting

Southern California."

on the word

conscience

"visit."

would ever

visit

KINKY FRIEDMAN "That s

why

I still

my Texas driver s license," said

keep

Kent Perkins. had a plane

I

and

to catch

ting

me

that

made you want

this little

banter was get-

nowhere, but there was something about Kent

been so successful

Maybe

to trust him.

in the

that's

PI business. Also,

it

why

he'd

was hard

dishke a guy who'd already told you that in his will he'd

to

left

you a 1964 Lincoln Continental with suicide doors that

opened from the middle of the car outward.

same model car but

that

Kennedy had been

was the

It

shot in in Dallas,

wasn't going to let one unfortunate incident total

I

my

karma.

Anyway, with

Rambam

out of the picture, Perkins was

the only experienced consultant fact that

no reason

fill

to

work

with.

The

in the large,

Kent Perkins

knew them.

I

me with the problem

at

hand, so

gave one pause.

Still, it

Nonetheless,

down

had

to believe that the person didn't have the knowl-

edge and maturity to help to speak.

I

an adult referred to his penis as "the Spoiler" was

I

down

at

the desk, laid

my

cigar

Texas-shaped ashtray, and proceeded to

in

had

sat

on the

details of the investigation as

to admit

it

felt

sharing the information with

I

mildly reassuring to be

someone other than my

hopelessly ambivalent, subjective, sometimes tedious, of-

ten rather repellent client.

"So what happened to the other PI?" Perkins wanted to know. first

"The one Ratso hired

to find his

mother

in the

place?"

"He went

"We have

to Jesus."

a lot of that out here. People dropping

66

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE whatever else they're doing and joining up with Christian fundamentalist cults."

on the

didn't say anything. Just puffed patiently

I

cigar.

"That

what you mean,

is

"I'm afraid not,"

By change

I

isn't it?"

said.

the time I'd cradled the blower,

my

Kent Perkins had, indeed, offered

me

I

Then why a

one who's a friend of

his

should never take a case of this nature. The odds of

a successful conclusion after

be a

his personal help.

about seven hundred good reasons

private investigator, especially

good

was ready to

I

plane reservation to Fat Chance, Arkansas.

he had given

client,

said Perkins.

as

winning the

lot harder.

lottery,

all this

time were about as

he'd said, and the work would

Probably, Perkins

had

asserted, Ratso

would no longer be friends by the conclusion of the

There was

also the off

chance

Then dark

forces often might

and other

relatives

tionship

coming

who

felt

I

and

case.

might find Ratso's mother.

come

into play

from

threatened by the

to light. Finally, Perkins

siblings

new

had

rela-

set forth

from personal experience the crudest blow of

all:

that

Ratso, after waiting a lifetime to find his real mother,

might be rejected again by her as he had most hkely been in the first place.

"Well, there's nothing like a healthy negative tude,"

I

said to the cat, as

I

picked up the suitcase.

you. Stephanie will be looking after you.

I'll

"I

atti-

envy

be back soon.

Until then, you're in charge."

Then

I

set out in the cold, brisk,

half-light to hail a

hungover

New York

hack for La Guardia and points south.

67

I

KINKY FRIEDMAN didn't stop feeling a certain soul chill until

I

was aboard

New York City in the rearview Then I took off my overcoat for the first time. the aircraft with

I

hadn't thought

much about

wearing for Florida was the one eral years ago.

I'd

it

but the

bought

in

mirror.

shirt

I

was

Hawaii sev-

According to the guy who'd sold

it

to

me

it

replica of the shirt Montgomery Clift had From Here to Eternity. As things turned out, it was a damned near perfect sartorial choice.

was an exact died in in

68

CHAPTER

n I

ARRIVED IN Florida in only slightly better condition

The

than Dustin Hoffman in Midnight Cowboy.

New York,

of hving in

pressures

which can reduce the human

spirit

sandwich meat over a long weekend, combined

to rancid

with Kent Perkins's dire predictions about the case, had resulted in state.

at the like

I

my

was pleased

tarmac in a

fairly

to observe, at least, that

amphibious

many people

Miami Airport were wearing whiteman-haters

mine. Also,

jority of the

me

hitting the

feel

it

was comforting to note that the

people there were extremely

vast

o-l-d. It

just

ma-

made

almost youthful. Kind of like a dead teenager.

Whatever

else

you could say about the place, the demo-

graphics were good.

Tony Bruno, an old friend of mine from the days was

living in the

tow-away zone known

as

I

Los Angeles,

KINKY FRIEDMAN had once

told

me

that there

were over

six

hundred

ent lands of palm trees in the world and almost

had been imported and now grew most of them now seemed

nately,

one land of

mall.

waved

I

at

be Uned up

to

of them

in Florida. Unfortu-

them from my

who

they waved back along with a guy

all

differ-

in front of

rent-a-car

looked

like

and

he was

either the junta-appointed president of Haiti or your yard-

man.

When you're

didn't have the time to find out which.

I

driving a rent-a-car in Miami, you want to be on your way. I

wasn't sure

how many krauts had had their vacations

rather abruptly terminated while driving rent-a-cars in Mi-

ami, but

I

knew

it

was a

sizable

number. The

Lord grind slowly but they grind exceedingly for the past

few years now when,

across a party of

made

it

German

in

tourists

my

mills of the fine.

In

someplace

fact,

come

travels, I've

I've always

a matter of conscience to approach their table

with a friendly, innocent, American smile and

say:

"Have

you checked out Miami?" None of them have found much

humor

in this.

But

it

could be because they're Dutch or

Swiss.

The problem, of

is

somewhat comphcated

by the

fact that if the tourist party

had indeed been of the

German suit,

persuasion,

course,

humor

not being their particular long

they wouldn't have gotten the joke anyway. They

never do. I

banished

zimmed at

along in

all

my

dark* thoughts from rent-a-car to pick

up

my mind Ratso's

as

I

mother

the Golden Flamingo Retirement Center, which was

pretty near the airport. That was a good thing, because I'd

wrap

my lunch

road map.

I

hadn't driven

a rent-a-car since Christ was a cowboy, but

I

found

forgotten to

in a

a very exhilarating experience. After the

70

first

it

to

be

few miles you

h

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE cease to care about the welfare of your vehicle, yourself, or

anyone else I

in the world.

passed by palm trees and parking meters and color-

and sunshine

ful shirts

glinting brightly off of every fast-

A

food franchise under heaven.

color-postcard rent-a-view that

carefree, pastel, old-time

made you wonder whether

Cerberus, that three-headed dog of crime, greed, and eco-

was

logical disaster life,

still

guarding the gate. In Miami, as in

staring too intently at the facade

the eyes. Staring too intently behind thinkable.

I

may be harmful of course,

it,

is

to

un-

found myself whistling "England Swings" as

I

drove along and once again came to the conclusion that the world like

is

divided into two groups of people: those

Roger Miller and those who

who

don't.

The Golden Flamingo Retirement Center looked hke any other condo-apartment lobby-type setup except for the mandatory mental-hospital sign that stated: Today

THURSDAY. The next meal

many

necessary for dates on

seemed

whose to

is

is

lunch. This, of course, was

of the occupants of the center, the

cartons, unfortunately,

had expired. There

be an atmosphere of moderately restrained ex-

citement around the place, and find out the reason: Perry

it

didn't take

Como was

me

long to

coming. There was a

comforting, almost seductive, quality about the whole operation and at least

I

was kind of sorry

catch the show.

Lilyan

Sloman was

I

couldn't stick around

and

Maybe sometime. sitting

out on the veranda feeding

the birds and scanning a back issue of National Lampoon,

which her son, Ratso, had once edited. her and realized that don't run, she

far

I

took one look

at

from being out where the buses

had her wits collected about her 71

in a

man-

KINKY FRIEDMAN my own,

ner more meticulous than were wasn't saying

which, of course,

much. casuaUy as an old

said, as

lover.

been a long time." "Yes,

racking

met

that

down. Kinky," she

"Sit "It s

all

it

my

has,"

I

up

said, pulling

a deck chair.

was

I

remember the few times Fd and the job wasn't made easier by the fact that brains trying to

Lilyan,

rd been by and large

cookin'

on another planet

for

most of

the previous decade.

"Hows mothers

"Larrys fine,"

end

she

Larry?"

said,

me

looking at

with

a

eyes. I

to not knowing.

said. "I

He

think he just wants to put an

wants once and for aU to find out

me before

The

last

thing he told

want to spank

this

monkey and put

the truth.

it

was:

I left

to bed.'

*I

just

"

Lilyan laughed. "That sounds like him," she said.

"But I'm

just

worried that he

may

not realize that the

monkey's already been sleeping for a long, long time. By the time ape.

He

it

finally

wakes up

might not

"Or,"

I

said, as I

croquet shots,

"it

is

may have become

a big, hairy

watched an old man practicing

might turn out to be a

which case Ratso would

"He

it

like that."

his

big, hairy steak, in

like it."

eating?" Ratso's

mother asked

She was probably the only person

in the

me

world

earnestly.

who knew

Ratso and could ask that question without getting laughed out of town. "Let's

to send

put

him

it

this way, Lilyan," I said.

to that anorexia chnic in

quired implementation

"My

initial

plan

Canada has not

re-

at this time."

"That's good," she said, nodding to herself, then re-

72

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE turning an ageless smile and a the croquet mallet.

It

little

wave

to the

was a small gesture but

it

man

had

with

in

it all

the shy, unmistakably ingenuous spirit of two young people meeting at their

first

garden

party.

Vd been

at

the party

myself once, and so had Lilyan, but she'd gone for a year ride with a boy

on her own. Fd still

who had

a car and

now

sixty-

she was back

get cigarettes decades ago and was

left to

standing in the checkout line behind a large Hispanic

woman. In my mind slight paraphrasal

tem: "Its right,

and

my

party,

didn't

it

I

could hear Lesley Gore singing a

of her song over the in-store I

can leave

seem

like I

if I

want

Muzak

sys-

to." I'd left all

was going to be coming back

anytime soon. I

while.

watched Lilyan Sloman feeding the birds

Then

I

for a

watched the old guy playing croquet on a

lawn as green as a cemetery. Then Lilyan and each other. "Well," she said,

"let's

go to the bank."

73

I

looked

at

CHAPTER

n A SHORT WHILE

LATER, AFTER LiLYAN

SlOMAN HAD EXCUSED

summery

herself to change out of her

frock into a dark,

more

businesslike outfit, she returned holding a

to the

bank

"I

said.

"It'll

key

safe deposit box.

could take the key

"You don't

when

little

really

be better

if I

there myself, Lilyan,"

do," she said. "I

they see a young

cowboy hat and

down

I

have to go with me."

man from

know

bankers, and

out of state with that

cigar holding the key to a Uttle old lady s

safe deposit box,

it'll

take

more than

a

phone

call

to

straighten things out."

"They

didn't

Uke Pretty Boy Floyd

either,"

I

said, as I

helped her into the rent-a-car. I

turned out of the drive and

at

the

same time turned

the conversation from bankers to lawyers by asking Ratso's

—

"

"

"

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE mother about Moie Hamburgers

father, the

man who

handled the adoption proceedings so many years ago. The result

was illuminating, and her composure appeared to

ever so slightly unravel as she spoke.

"There was always something so strange about that

whole business," she

said, letting

the thought hang in the

sultry air for a long while.

"The adoption?" 'The adoption, the lawyer himself, the agency

— sent us the baby

"Rat so said he thought

it

that

was a Jewish adoption

agency." "It

whole

was Jewish, but there was something about the

affair that I

"Kosher?"

I

always

felt

wasn't quite

—

offered.

"That wasn't exactly the word

I

was looking

for,"

she

said.

"No,"

We

I said.

"I

guess not."

rode along in silence for a while.

I

noticed her

handkerchief coming out of her purse occasionally as she

blew her nose and occasionally dabbed "I just

want Larry

to

be happy," she

"Then you're doing the to the

that there

—

I

just feel in

he

silly.

ever known.

feels

my heart

may be some

"Don't be he's

right thing

her eyes.

said.

by helping us get

bottom of this."

"No.

past

at

He

—

I

have for a long time

awful secret lurking there in the

—the only one

You're Larry's mother loves you. But this

he has to know." 75

is

just

something

KINKY FRIEDMAN "The only one who knew what

He

box was Jack. still

never told me.

I

is

in that safe deposit

never wanted to know.

I

knew

I

don't."

As we pulled into the parking

was very close

puzzle, just as Lilyan

and very close that

I

of the bank,

lot

to tears.

We'd worked out

a deal. She'd see

got past the phalanx of bankers into the safe deposit

vault without severe blows to anything but

when

I

my hands a crucial piece of the Sloman was also holding my hand

to holding in

the vault clerk and

holies,

I

were

each with our respective

the bank officer

call a taxi

my

ego. Then,

safely within the holy of

little

keys, she

and she would

would have

leave.

Like any adoptive mother who'd spent her hfe loving

and

raising a son, she probably felt she

was close to losing

a part of him forever to his "real" mother. Like

mother, to

who was no

longer aUve, she just wanted her son

be happy Like any mother's son,

man

until the tears

my own

I

hugged Lilyan

Slo-

we walked

into

stopped flowing. Then

the bank like Frank and Jesse James.

The sary to

vault teller,

open any

He had

sition in hfe.

gold and crets

who

silver,

held one of the two keys neces-

safe deposit box,

was

in

an interesting po-

the power to partially unlock your

your most cherished possessions, the

of your honeymoon, and yet he could never

se-

luxuriate

in that wealth,

never have knowledge of those secrets. The

key he held,

thought very fleetingly as he inserted

I

it

into

the top of the box, might well be the key to happiness.

"Now you put yours in." "That's what she told me last night," I said. He made a forced, rather unpleasant twitch

"Okay," he said.

hps that looked

like

he might be experiencing

76

with his

gas.

Then,

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE with his key in the box and his power diminished, the energy seemed to flow out of his body and he quietly scuttled

from the room.

I

was

all

possibly Ratsos future,

The key tied

it

didn't I

in

alone with Ratsos past and quite

and

seemed very damned

it

eerie.

my hand

felt like

Benjamin Franklin had

end of

his kite.

What

to the

come down here opened the

to shake

box.

77

the

hell, I

just

thought.

I

hands with Donald Duck.

CHAPTER

u As A FRIEND OF MINE IN AUSTRALIA ONCE PUT drier than a

nuns

Cuban bar and airport. In

to refer to

nasty." I

restaurant

was

sitting at

"I

WAS

the counter of a

little

somewhere along the way

my coat pocket, next to what as my heart, was a yellowed,

looking, sealed envelope that,

been opened

IT:

if I

to the

sometimes liked

rather innocuous-

didn't miss

in over forty-seven years.

waited that long could wait for

I

my bet,

hadn't

Anything that had

me to have a drink.

The bar was kind of seedy and kind of empty but it looked like I felt. The music sounded hke the kind Hank Williams might Ve played when he was hanging out with Jack Ruby in Havana in the days before he went to Jesus, and I do not mean that he joined a Christian fundamentalist cult.

Aside from wearing whiteman-haters to a degree

would Ve made Frank Zappa proud, the Cubans have many other good qualities: they're passionate and fiery-

that

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE tempered, they appreciate good

cigars,

and they always

stock their bars with about ninety-seven different lands of

rum.

Coca-Cola on the side

in

honor of Timothy

and a

who

B. Mayer,

recognized the power and importance of separating

first

the

Rum

ordered a large neat glass of Mount Gay

I

rum from

the Coke.

The

drink was

and the Tlmster himself drank a

ster

with

sters

me

When Coke,

little

until there

There

Cola.

New Yorkers

rum, a

will always

be a

left

lot

I

but

little

much

Tlm-

went al-

rum, a

little

rum, a

little

a lot of Coca-

still

of Coca-Cola in the world.

my

glass

was crying and he

poured out another shot of Mount Gay. By feeling

I

consider to be

drank a

Coke, a

httle

was no rum

told the bartender

I

hell of a lot of

Tlm-

thing.

the two glasses arrived

Coke, a

little

as the

before he, too, went to Jesus and

back to Texas, which many

most the same

known

this

time

I

was

better and had just about decided to sht

open the envelope and then

slit

open Ratso s throat

if it

contained Jack Slomans old collection of baseball cards.

down on the bar next to the glass of Mount Gay It was a moment fraught with destiny, and I was the only one in the place who realized it. In fact, I was very damn near the only one in the place. The jukebox had suddenly gone autistic on me and the barI

got out the envelope and set

it

tender had taken to swatting the occasional in

Casablanca with the funny

hat.

Maybe

the guy

fly like it

was the calm

before the storm. I

fate

little

me

my

friend s

little

Coke, a

picked up the envelope off the bar and

was

literally in

rum, a

httle

my

hands.

Coke and

I

A

little

rum, a

heard a voice sneaking up on

hke a Miskito Indian and whispering

70

in

my

ear.

It

KINKY FRIEDMAN sounded a to know.

and

lot like

I still

Lilyan Sloman.

never wanted

don't."

*TouVe

right,"

Then

heard another voice.

I

It said: "I

I

said, as

the bartender swatted a It

was land of

fly.

staticky

distant but not without certain natural elements of the

ring of truth.

An

overseas call in a dream.

sters voice. It said:

*TouVe

"The envelope,

right, too,"

I

said,

80

and

It

was the Tlm-

please." I

opened the envelope.

CHAPTER

19

I

WAS ENVISIONING STEPHANIE DuPONT BENDING OVER TO

feed the

the envelope was safely ensconced in

cat,

breast pocket, and

I

was

dutifully

weirdly placed signs depicting an aircraft taking I

my

watching for occasional off,

when

picked up a Miskito Indian sneaking up in the rearview

mirror of the rent-a-car.

Upon

closer inspection

krautmobile of some type but with

like a

wheeled penises out there today, ten the case, It

it

hard to

it

looked

the four-

tell.

As

is

of-

got bigger.

stayed right behind

airplanes taking off and tato.

it s

all

Two more pictures

I

me

was

for three

starting to

of airplanes and

more

pictures of

become I

was

mildly agi-

definitely not

singing "England Swings." Driving a rent-a-car through a

strange town and being closely tailed by a dangerouslooking, large,

mens

modem

krautmobile with two sinister speci-

lurking behind the windscream

was

like a

long-buried

KINKY FRIEDMAN dream fragment from a troubled adolescence suddenly ploding and lodging

itself in

ex-

your skull-house. The kraut-

mobile moved menacingly closer

I

just

caught a glimpse of

the guy in the passenger seat playing with something in his lap. I

doubted seriously if it was himself.

What would James Dean have done in a situation like this? I wondered. What would Jim Rockford do? What the hell was happening to me down here in the Land of My People?

I

instinctively patted the breast pocket of

my coat.

The envelope was still there. I shot another glance at the rearview. The krautmobile was still there, too. It had to be the envelope. They wanted the envelope. Or else, and far worse, they wanted no one to know the information which it

contained.

cursed myself for letting the bright, mindless

I

Florida sunshine

had

all

lull

me

been there and

I

into being careless.

must Ve thought

it

The red

out-of-business sale. In a rather macabre fashion,

was.

I

maybe

it

hadn't listened between the lines, apparendy, to

what both this

flags

was a going-

Rambam and Perkins had tried to tell me about

kind of investigation into the primeval.

Fd

forgotten

about the guy in the black overcoat who'd tailed

Brooklyn after

I'd gotten the

And what

warehouse.

me

in

adoption papers from the

about Moie Hamburger, the son of

the lawyer who'd arranged the deal, suddenly bhpping off the screen? right

now

Maybe he was

with

little

at the

bottom of the East River

gefilte fishes chasing

one another

through his eye sockets. That's the

the gaping

way

it

happens,

mouth of an

I

thought, as

I

stared into

assault rifle that looked like

ready to say Ahhh. You go on a short

82

trip to

it

was

help a friend

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE New

and you leave your protective coat of good oY

York

paranoia behind. You look for answers and, incredibly

enough, you even find them. Then the kraut car closes, then

fun and the sun and the last airplane picture right

limbo

view

rum and up

the Catholic Church

if

the gun you follow that

into the sky. is

A window seat to where you

correct,

fly

a

tedious holding pattern through night and fog for at

least a

thousand years with a small Aryan child kicking the

behind you, while next to you a

seat

rises into

daydream gone bad, and somewhere between the

like a

tight,

weapon

pulls next to you, then the

it

Moines

fat

man from Des

locked in a hideous rictus of eternal vomiting

is

upon the half-completed crossword puzzle

that

is all

of our

lives.

The other passengers Church

to

Umbo,

if

correct, are nonbaptized babies,

is

the

all

Catholic

of whom cry

incessantly for their mothers throughout the thousand-

year vector. tive raises

Whether

said

mothers are biological or adop-

an interesting legal point, for by the time the

plane lands every family tree on earth has been totally defoliated

and no one cares a thousand-year-old Chinese egg

whether the sign on the terminal reads HEAVEN: NO SMOKING or HELL: NOTHING TO DECLARE.

And then, fic

lo

and behold, a miracle had occurred. Traf-

was suddenly slowing

patrolman was stopping

and a Florida highway

cars beside a large sign that

all

DRUG INTERDICTION CHECKPOINT AHEAD.

read:

happy

to

ready to

Hoover." over

to a crawl

have Big Brother watching over

hum I

a few bars of

me

I

I

was SO

was about

"The Love Song of

J.

Edgar

stopped the rent-a-car and cautiously glanced

my shoulder. 83

KINKY FRIEDMAN There was a scurry of frenzied mobile

now

as

activity in the kraut-

suddenly roared across the grass divider,

it

performed a mud-slinging, gravel-gouging L.A. turnaround, and shot off in the opposite direction with several black-and-whites on

As

for

me,

I

The

cavalry

had

arrived.

exhibited the even-minded patience of

Mahatma

the great

its tail.

while the highway patrolman checked

my driver s Ucense and asked routine questions and a large German shepherd backseat area.

I

had the Ucense

sniffed

didn*t mind.

plate

German

case good

around the floorboards and the I

number

had

lots

of time now.

I

also

of the krautmobile just in

engineering carried the day.

While the highway patrol continued with their investigation,

was

I

realized with

in large part over.

some

little

mine

satisfaction that

With the information

I

now had,

the

wrapping-it-up aspect should be child s play. Today would

be an important day man. The search

in the history of Larry "Ratso" Slo-

for his mother,

I

felt,

was

all

but over,

along with the uncertainty, the insecurity, and the nagging

doubt he*d carried with him most of hterally,

his adult

he was now a different man. And he

life.

Quite

didn*t

even

know it yet. I

back in the drivers

sat

through the open window trees, the

seat,

lit

at the

up

a cigar,

and smiled

nearby grove of

sun-dappled skyline, and the white

gulls

citrus

wheel-

ing to and fro across the brushstroke horizon of the kind of

blue that seems to change ever so slightly in your imagination like half-remembered, half-closed eyes.

*Tou want to pop your trunk for

man was

saying.

84

us, sir?*' the patrol-

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE '*Well/' I said, "there

goes a hundred Idlos of Peruvian

marching powder." **We don't appreciate jokes about drugs, "There's no drugs in the trunk,"

button that opened

"We

it.

said,

sir."

pushing the

my wife."

don't appreciate jokes about that either,"

letting the "sir" slide,

the

"There's just

I

and walking around

to the

he

said,

back of

car.

A moment

later

he returned and waved

me on my

way, his face young, impassive, unsmiling, like a slightly

bored eagle scout. "Let

me

ask you one question, Officer,"

I said.

'What

kind of jokes do you guys appreciate?" "Well," he said, "you're from

want to know about "I just

Uve in

"Then you

New York.

You wouldn't

it."

New York.

really

I'm actually from Texas."

wouldn't want to

said.

85

know about

it,"

he

I

CHAPTER

16

An hour and

a half later, from a pay phone at Miami

International Airport, York.

I

was delighted

I

called a familiar

number

in

New

my party at home and to hear

to find

his rather raucous, rodentlike voice.

"Kinkstah!" Ratso shouted ebulliently **What'd you find,

Kinkstah?" "Hi, David,"

I

said.

There was an unusual,

yet,

under the circumstances,

quite understandable silence on the other

end of the

blower Then

in

I

heard a small, birdhke voice,

tone and

timbre, possibly not terribly dissimilar to that of Ratso s

fa-

ther in the days before he died. "David?*'

it

said.

"David." "David," said Ratso,

"Beats Goliath,"

I

still

not sure he liked

said supportively.

it.

"David."

"

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "That s

Davidr

it?

"No. There's more. Your

name

full

David Victor

is

Goodman." "Jesus Christ."

asked for

"I

it

but they said that handle was taken."

"And my mother *Tour mothers

know

if

she s

her soon.

rd

still

be

—

name was Mary Goodman.

alive,

still

but

she

if

is,

don't

I

you could be meeting

Of course, earlier this afternoon alive to make this phone call."

I

didn't

know if

"Does Lilyan know?"

"No one knows but you and me and Mary Goodman."

"Fm going to call Lilyan. how she's doing."

I

don't think

I'll

tell

her

yet.

Just see

"That'd be thoughtful,"

mother, too.

"You "I

I

just don't

talk to

hope

said. "I

know the

wish

I

could

call

my

area code."

her more than you know, Kinkstah."

God you're

to

I

right."

"I'm always right," said Ratso. "Especially to have a friend like you."

"Don't lay the

phone

to

it

on too

thick,"

I

said,

leaning away from

check the departure board.

blower next to

my eardrum

When

I

put the

again Ratso was in the midst of

some kind of frenetic Jewish Hare Krishna "Daaavid Victah Goodman! Daa-vid

chant.

Vic-tah

Good-

man! DavidVictahGoodman!"

The thought of Ratso dancing around bear's

new name head was enough to make me

which

is

apartment shouting

his

smile for a

something you don't see too often

national Airport.

Sometimes good, 87

his cluttered

to the stuffed polar

solid

at

moment,

Miami

Inter-

amateur detective

KINKY FRIEDMAN work can be course,

own

its

reward. If Ratsos your client, of 1

the only one youVe probably ever going to get.

it s

"Just think," shouted Ratso. "I

man s

might be Steve Good-

twin brother, accidentally separated at birth!"

"Or you might be Benny Goodman s twin brother,

ac-

cidentally separated at birth."

"Or

I

might even be related to the

Goodman, Schwemer, and Cheney," Just in case at

Goodman

said Ratso.

you were jumping rope

in the schoolyard

the time, or using rope for other purposes,

Schwemer, and Cheney were three young workers

who were

killed

of

Goodman, civil

rights

by the Klan in Mississippi in the

sixties. Cheney was black, but Goodman and Schwemer were two Jewish Idds from Queens, where Ratso was from, who went down South in the cause of freedom and equality. Abbie Hoffman, too, was down in

early

Mississippi at about that time,

movement,

it

and the early

with Jewish blood,

if,

indeed, there

should also be noted that good

church workers were few and

far

lar place at that particular time.

ing, for the

civil rights

should be noted, was generously infused

such a thing.

is

little

between

This

is

It

white Christian at that particu-

not really surpris-

dangerous role of the troublemakers in history

has often fallen to the Jewish people.

Anne

Frankly,

it

should be noted, in passing, that a great deal of good for the advancement of mankind has been accompHshed be-

tween circumcision, where they cut off the dick, to crucifixion, "It'd

that

tip

of your

where they throw the whole Jew away. I said, "to have been related to

be an honor,"

Goodman." "The trouble

is,"

said Ratso, "today

88

most people prob-

"

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE ably think

Goodman, Schwemer, and Cheney were

a law

firm."

"Today," Besides,

"they probably would be a law firm.

I said,

Fm going to miss my plane."

"You know the

Goodman Td

really like to

to?" said Ratso, totally obUvious of another

tempting to board an "I can't

at-

aircraft.

imagine,"

I

said, as I

looked around nervously

for the gate.

"The Goodman

be related

American

I'd really like to

"Goddamnit, Ratso,

spit

be related

Fm

it!

—

to

going to miss

my

plane."

Ratso paused maddeningly.

was

in a

When

he spoke again

it

tone of great and careless dignity.

"Its just possible,"

Goodman Egg Noodle

There was nothing there was no time

he

said, "that

Fm

an heir to the

fortune."

left to

left to say.

say

it.

89

And, quite fortunately,

CHAPTER

n I

GOOSE-STEPPED TO THE GATE JUST IN TIME TO HOP A BIG

silver bird flying its

North.

lower intestine.

It

I

took an

was time,

I

somewhere

aisle seat

figured, as

I

in

went through

the wheels-up experience, to stop patting myself on the

back and

start

looking for

Mary Goodman.

there were about 64 million Coast.

By the time

contacting

all

I'd

and

Mary Goodmans on the East

completed the laborious process of

of them, Ratso would probably be in the

Shalom Retirement trousers

Unfortunately,

Village

refusing to wear

himself,

others address

insisting

him

as

Admiral

Homblower. If ish

baby Ratso had come through the

adoption agency, as

ples

I

now beheved,

offices of a

the old

and synagogues might be good places

usually keep pretty methodical records.

ment, which

is,

in large part, a

files

to start.

The Old

somewhat

Jew-

of tem-

Jews

Testa-

glorified seed

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE catalogue of who begat

whom, who cast his seed upon who merely coveted his neighbors ass,

the

ground, and

has

been around

for thousands of years.

Now that we knew the name of the be able

up an old address

to turn

very helpful in running

down her

Unless, of course, the building had a

McDonalds, or a parking

lot,

subject,

we might

that could possibly

be

current whereabouts.

become

a state prison,

some other aspect of

or

man s progress had taken place. Kent Perkins,

I

remembered, had suggested

I

check

the public hbrary for old telephone directories from the forties. If that

approach didn't work, he'd offered to get

which was something

I

viewed almost

in-

CD-ROM,

volved himself and try to locate her through

as suspiciously as

an

Australian Aboriginal might regard the httle device you

put inside your

Of

dumper

course,

it

that turns the water blue.

would

all

be worth

found Ratso's mother. Especially,

I

it

if in

thought,

the end

if

we

she turned

Goodman of the Goodman Egg Noodle forAt least then, when it came time to send Ratso his

out to be the tune. bill, I I

might not find myself hosed to the barnyard door. drifted off into a fitful sleep

and dreamed one of

those ridiculous dreams that nobody pays any attention to

because

it

often

tells

more than we wish

us a httle

about ourselves. In the dream

I

was dressed

to

know

in the

same

blue velvet housecoat that Robert Louis Stevenson had

worn through a

lifetime of

ill

health and convalescence.

I

was inside a huge mansion walking across miles and miles of bathroom

tiles to

open the

front door.

the glittering dining room, the

91

Behind me,

in

Goodman Egg Noodle

KINKY FRIEDMAN people were having a dinner party for the Rockefellers and

The

the DuPonts.

entree, served, of course,

upon a

four-

Goodman s Egg Noodles, appeared to be a When the servant, who looked very much like

poster bed of goose.

Supreme Court

"Frogman" Thomas, cut

Justice Clarence

the goose with a big, gleaming knife, inside the goose was a

duck and inside the duck was a chicken, and inside the

chicken was a pheasant, and inside the pheasant was a squab, and inside the squab was a quail.

never found out what was inside the quail, because

I

the knocking on the door grew louder and

open

I

had

Outside in the snow was a

man wearing

a coonskin

cap with the head of the animal attached to the

He wore

eyes sewn shut. that

looked

like

a

pimp s

I

intuitively

who was no

pants,

to

Engelbert

and red shoes

knew had once been worn by someone

longer with

natured smile. As

He

us.

also

wore a

ushered him to the

I

appeared to take the Suddenly,

front, its

flashy overcoat, a shirt

had once belonged

it

Humperdinck, a pair of lox-colored that

to go

it.

big,

table,

good-

no one

slightest notice of his presence.

Mary Goodman, who

Nancy Reagan auditioning

for

strongly resembled

Daughter of

Dr. Jekyll,

stood up and began emitting a strange Palestinian keening noise.

The

stranger looked at her with tragic, disbelieving

eyes.

"Mom?" he

said.

'^We don't want him!" she screamed.

"Send him

away!" I

ushered the pitiable creature back out into the

92

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE snow. Before

on

closed the door, he turned and put his hand

I

my shoulder. "Thanks a

swirled like

lot for

little

helping me, pal," he said. His eyes

sad Jacuzzis.

As he walked away

noticed that he was wearing

I

the Robert Lx)uis Stevenson coat and the formal outfit of a buder. the nature of the crime. All

and rd done

it.

was

late

I

knew was

by the time

clear

and a

me between

than

when Vd

I

I

silver sliver

got into the

attired in

didn't

I

was the butler to find a small

was uneventful.

city,

It

but the night was

of moon was playing hide-and-seek

The air felt even colder could Ve been nerves. Coming

the skyscrapers.

left,

but

it

New York is almost as hard as leaving The cab spit me out at 199B Vandam Street. the driver, got my suitcase out of the trunk, and let

back to

in

know

seat.

rest of the flight, as they say,

with

but

woke from the dream

I

Aryan child kicking the back of my

The

was now

I

I felt guilty,

it.

I

paid

myself

through the big metal door of the old converted ware-

house.

I

took the freight elevator up to the fourth floor and

was

just crossing the dusty little hallway to the

loft

when

it

door of my

suddenly opened.

Stephanie DuPont stood framed in the doorway and

knew

right

beautiful

away

than anyone else

could see

that

something was amiss.

women seem it

in

to collapse into

when something

is

Tall, strong,

little girls

faster

seriously wrong.

I

her eyes, in her hands, and certainly in the

way she threw her arms around me and

me into the

I

practically pulled

room.

My first thought was that something had happened to 93

KINKY FRIEDMAN my

the cat. But the cat was sleeping on

desk under her

sunlamp.

"You got a a voice chine.

I

call just

a

moment

almost didn't recognize.

A pohce

was urgent, so

detective I

ago," Stephanie said, in "I

heard

—Cooperman,

picked up the phone.

I

it

on the ma-

think.

He

said

the apartment and you should get over there

He

said

he was

—

it

at

now

^Where? What apartment?" "I don't like a child.

want

to

be the one

to tell you," she

Her hand reached up

her hand was shaking.

I

to

whispered

smooth her

hair

grabbed the hand and held

it

and

tight.

**What did he say?" "Its

your friend Ratso," she

tonight."

94

said.

"He was murdered

CHAPTER

16

Robert Louis Stevenson, during

extended

his

stay in

the South Seas, grew to love the Polynesian people, and

came

were the

to believe they

brightest, happiest,

most

beautiful race to populate the earth since the ancient

Greeks. Stevenson

felt that

the white

man had

their cultural progress before the Polynesians

come

He

forth with their

wrote many

cut short

were able

own Homer and their own Socrates. Queen and the British High

letters to the

Commissioner on behalf of his friend Mataafa and lowers, never realizing that the British, the

the Americans had already divided up

themselves and sealed

Many

years

to

later,

for the people of the

its

his fol-

Germans, and

Samoa amongst

fate forever.

Don Ho echoed

Stevenson s hopes

South Seas and described

how he

felt

those hopes had been dashed in large part by the Ameri-

can missionaries. "The missionaries told the people," said

KINKY FRIEDMAN Ho,

"to

bow their heads and pray. By the time was gone."

up, their land

Now, I

knew

as

I

gazed numbly out of the window of the cab,

my

in

were gone,

many pieces of my life The South Seas of Robert Louis Stevenson

heart that a great

too.

were merely a

divertive device to temporarily

tragic chords of truth

stand

keep the

from coming back, dull and relent-

were a child

less, as if I

they looked

all

dressed up and trying to under-

my first funeral.

As we turned off West Broadway onto Prince Street

saw the plain-wrapped squad sometimes referred to

front of Ratso s building.

and the meat wagon,

cars

"Hamburger Helper," parked

as

I

They looked

like

in

dim mechanical

sharks hovering in a circle of gloom. "If this

The dollars I

is

I said, "I want my money back." me a shopworn smile. "That'll be four

a movie,"

driver gave

and seventy-five

paid him with

the hack.

I

cents,"

he

said.

my subconscious mind and got

stood for a

moment on

out of

the curb and looked at

Ratsos street in the cold and crystal-clear lamplight, and

time seemed suspended, as

if I

torical tableau waiting for a

man

in or three wise guys or

Caesar.

Maybe

that

was

my job,

had

significantly

ers of observation until

child s kaleidoscope

Not only was

I

I

his-

with a candle to stumble

somebody who'd come

For the next few hours as if God

were standing inside a

to

bury

thought.

only recalled certain images,

reduced the wattage of my powall

of

life

on a gloomy

was no more than a

day. If there

my visual prowess somewhat

was a God.

impaired, but

I

kept hearing Robert LxDuis Stevenson's "Requiem" inside

my

head.

The poem marks

Stevenson's grave on top of

96

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Mount Vaea so fast

in

How it

Samoa.

and inside

got itself over to

my head was

New York

a mystery to me. Possibly

it

had traveled along the Road of the Loving Hearts.

Under the wide and starry Dig the grave and

He

wasn't

certainly

thought, as

I

let

nowhere

about

writing

mumbled my name

New

I

door

bum was

Ratso's

in.

be seen. Handouts were going

to

York,

to a uniform at the

me

of the building and he nodded

sky.

me lie.

be harder

to

now.

Glad did

I live

and gladly

And I laid me down with Where

die

a

will.

there's a will, there's a lawyer,

I

thought as

walked through the hallway and waited for the tor.

Only

I

just

knew

that

ured into

The

didn't

all

know where

he figured into

of whatever

elevator

elevator in a sad

I

I

got aboard.

world and

higher than the sixth floor or a

reckoned,

The

if it

was ever going

sixth floor

of this and

was about to see

came and little

the hell the lawyer was.

all

lot

it

It

all

of this

I

fig-

upstairs.

was a sad

needed

to

little

go a

lot

lower than the lobby,

to catch

I

eleva-

little

I

up with Ratso.

was swarming with cops. Cops

in uni-

form, plainclothes dicks, techs, good cops, bad cops,

all

with something shghtly predatory or worse glinting deep

behind their eyes

as they

moved

to the ever-popular

music

of murder. Whether their job was wrapping up bundles of

blood and gore into body bags and tossing them into meat

wagons or lurking

in

some godforsaken hallway

in the

early hours of the dawn, drinking black coffee from paper

97

KINKY FRIEDMAN cups, they liked their work. There s nothing

cop being a cop. hard right

way for

until

him

It s just

the

at the elevator

way of their

people.

and walked down the

reached Ratsos door.

I

to ever triple-lock

wrong with a

It

No

was open.

took a

I

little hall-

reason

again.

it

This be the verse you grave for me:

Here he

lies

where he longed

Ratso was lying facedown on the pool of semicoagulated blood was half of his body.

A were

It

to be;

floor.

all

A small wading

around the upper

was the color of pink horseradish.

photographer and some other kind of technician

still

futzing around with his body. Taking pictures of

his garish outfit.

A

he was wearing

that

nice close-up of the red antique shoes

had once belonged

to a

dead man.

Now they had walked full circle. Home is the sailor, home from the sea. And the hunter home from the hill. Detective Sergeant Fox and a cop at

Ratso s httle desk

bank statements and

riffling

through

I

his

didn't

know were

phone book and

listening to his answering machine.

''Where are you?" a rather seductive female voice was asking.

"IVe been waiting here

two hours." Fox chuckled

at

the Pink Pussycat for over

to himself

looked up and saw Sergeant Mort Cooperman

I

standing by the windows beside the statue of the Virgin

Cooperman shook his head cop shrug. The Virgin Mary

Mary. They both looked grim. at

me

sadly

looked right

and shrugged a at

me and

didn't say a thing. She'd seen

before.

98

it all

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "Don't look at his face, Tex," said Cooperman. "Hes not ready for his close-up yet."

There was an uncomfortable staring at the Virgin Mary.

One

silence.

of us was

I

continued

bound

to blink

said,

"he was

soon. "If its

any consolation," Cooperman

dead before he

hit

the floor."

"Some guys have

all

the luck,"

99

I

said.

CHAPTER

19

It

is

a rather ironic fact, but those familiar with the

world of crime

will

swear that

no weapon are found

at

its true.

When

no

killer

and

the scene, the murderer most of-

ten turns out to be the person closest to the victim in hfe

—the spouse, the best

person

who

friend, the family

called the police in the

first

member, the

place or possibly

helped in some way with the investigation. While every

cop knows

and

this

crime solving,

it

it

may make

a good rule of

thumb

does represent somewhat of a spiritual

in in-

human race. In other words, to know us is Maybe it is that weVe just never been very good

dictment of the to love us. at

one-on-one. It

man s

was not

surprising, therefore, that despite

Cooper-

ostensibly sympathetic approach to the questioning,

he nonetheless regarded

me

as a

primary suspect.

I

was

in

a state of cultural mayonnaise at the time, and this was not

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE improved by

my

witnessing Ratso being taken away in a

body bag. One of the best friends Fd ever had was suddenly, surreally,

were

sitting

on

worm

and now Cooperman and

bait,

this rather sordid sofa

I

conversing Uke two

Chinese towkays hagghng over the price offish maws. Strangely enough,

remember our conversation Cooperman was

I

quite clearly, almost hke cUnical recall.

smoking a Gauloise and Ughting turelike twist of his thick neck. lighting

it

I

it

with a Zippo and a vul-

was smoking a cigar and

with a kitchen match and a prayer.

along with the Virgin

The smoke

Mary being there reminded me

somehow of incense. If incense was supposed to spiritually cleanse a place, I remember thinking, it had better get on the

stick.

my my

heart soon drove the

The

dull grief that

head.

And

in

was beginning to manifest

Requiem

some dark

train yard of

pose, a coupling was already taking place

murder and the now seemingly rather his mother.

my brain,

the

I

sup-

between Ratso s

pointless search for

Whether the two were connected

I

couldn't

Cooperman was having none of grilling off in his own inimitable,

say for sure, but started

itself in

for Ratso verses out of

it.

He

blunt,

straight-ahead style. For matters of brevity, IVe recorded

only a small portion of our conversation here.

"Did Ratso own a sawed-off?" "A sawed-off what?" "Shotgun."

"Not to

my knowledge."

"Do you own "Not

to

a sawed-off shotgun, Tex?"

my knpwledge." 101

KINKY FRIEDMAN "I

thought

you cowboys rode horses and carried

all

guns."

have a gun and

"I don't

I

only ride two-legged ani-

mals."

**When was the "Earher the

Miami

time you talked to your buddy?"

last

this evening.

I

called

him around seven from

airport."

"And you were down there looking

for

—

"Ratsos birth mother. His adoptive father had died recently

—

"Did you find "No. But

I

his

mother?"

learned her name.

Cooperman jotted down

Mary Goodman." Here

a httle note on his pad.

"How did

Ratso sound

"Excited.

He

when you

talked to him?"

thought he'd soon be meeting his real

mother."

"Maybe he already

has."

"Maybe."

Cooperman other one. little

killed his cigarette

dropped a Clarence Darrow-sized ash

I

ashtray.

I

looked up

Nixon. Ratso with

Bob Dylan.

it

I

for five years.

lit

an-

in the

the photo of Ratso meeting

at

Abbie Hoffman book now? working on

and promptly

Who was going to finish the

wondered. Ratso'd only been

Of course, he

could interview

Abbie himself now. That would be a scoop.

"Did he ever get

into arguments, say, over matters of

money or women?" "Yes and yes." "Start with

money. When'd he have an argument

about money?"

"Every time he ever got out of a cab."

102

— GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "I see."

"No, you don't. The guy had fishhooks in his pockets. The whole time IVe known him I don't think hes ever picked up the check. But that causes your piece to

was

is

not the kind of behavior

a basic form of neurotic Judaism

just

and

heart,

this

be taken off the board. Maybe

generous

in Ufe, however, Ratso spirit.

One

in action.

it

At

was always a man of very

of the kindest, most gentlehearted

people IVe ever known."

"Then why does somebody glared at me. "I don't

tergate.

I

him?" Coopemian

ice

looked around the room for help.

know. Ask Nixon

why he went

along with

Wa-

Ask Bob Dylan why he wrote 'Mr. Tambourine

Man.' Ask Abbie Hoffman

why he videotaped

his vasec-

tomy."

"I'm asking you."

"And I'm teUing you the only thing makes any

sense.

were getting close

Somebody

I

can think of that

him because he and

killed

a tired smile.

I

gave him a tired

was so emotionally spindled and mutilated that

was ready "Let

I

to finding his real mother."

Cooperman gave me smile.

I

to accept

any

me

you some advice,"

give

social intercourse

I

could

said

I

get.

Cooperman.

"Leave the involved plots and the conspiracy theories to the

When

Hollywood screenwriters.

and to his

it

will

home. life,

be

—

Now

it'll

be a

lot

this

murder

is

simpler than that and a

what about broads?

He

solved lot closer

did have broads in

didn't he?"

"How'd you think

this

couch got skid marks on

"I'm gonna want the names of past five years."

103

all

his

women

it?"

for the

KINKY FRIEDMAN Go down to the Monkeys Paw and look on the wall of the men s dumper. Anyway, you're not suggesting a woman came in here and Sam Cooked him with 'That s

easy.

a sawed-off shotgun?"

A man

The door was forced, by the mean some skirt didn't have it in for Could Ve hired somebody to come in here and ter-

"No.

did that.

way. But that don't Ratso.

minate him." I

my

was

starting to feel a physical pain in

my

head and

gut as the time ticked ruthlessly by and Ratso didn't

walk back in and turn on a hockey game. "I'd like to hire

and terminate "You

somebody,"

I said,

"to

come

in

here

this conversation."

just did," said

Cooperman, standing up and

stretching his back. "That's the crummiest sofa I've ever sat

on

in

my life."

"Try sleeping on

it."

"Try not leaving town," he said, and he walked over to

confer with Fox.

104

CHAPTER

to

The death of someone close to you fun as

cracked up to be.

its

I

is

never as much

should know. IVe been to

that rodeo

on a handful of occasions and every time you

get thrown

it

hat and dust

Jameson

gets a it

off.

later, at

little bit

In fact, four cigars and half a bottle of

three-thirty in the morning, as

desk in the

loft

pers,

was having a

I still

seen with I

I

sat at

my own

hell of a

time beheving what

damn about

It

Td

eyes.

poured another shot of Jameson into the old

quarter to four.

my

playing solitaire with Ratso s adoption pa-

horn and watched

a

harder for you to pick up your

my watch wind

its

bull-

world-weary way to a

was a death watch and

it

didn't really give

anything but methodically monitoring the

seconds, minutes, and hours of

all

our

lives.

Of moments.

KINKY FRIEDMAN knew

it

nothing. Wristwatches

were always

thought. Emotionless, expressionless

little

like that, I

faces forever

keeping themselves an arm s length away from your heart.

"Next time

The

I'll

get a sundial,"

cat said nothing but sat

tectively close to

said to the cat.

I

on the desk rather pro-

me. Through some ancient

feline sonar

she had perhaps sensed another sea change in

She'd weathered to

my

heart.

of situation before and appeared

be battening down the hatches for whatever came

If the cat I

this sort

had known

that

it

was Ratso who'd gone

next.

to Jesus,

wouldn't like to predict what she might 've done. Proba-

bly she'd have

donned

a long, green leprechaun's cap,

picked up a fiddle, and danced a

phone

could take a while. Cats, however,

mans, can never be sure for

humans, they are usually too I

lifted

from one red

whom

the bell

tolls.

the old bullhorn toward the Uving

at

the

loft.

I

like

in

hu-

UnUke

polite to ask.

the old couch where Ratso had stayed

housepest

tele-

cows came home, which,

to the other until the

New York City,

jig

when

room and

he'd been a

recited the last verse from the

poem Breaker Morant had

written in his cell on April 19,

1902, the night before his execution.

bumper down our throat, we pass to Heaven,

Let^s toss a

Before

And toast:

'The trim-set petticoat

We leave behind in Devon. I

included Breaker's

last

words that he shouted

British firing squad: "Shoot straight, I

at

the

you bastards!"

killed the shot, listened hopefully for the lesbian

106

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE dance

class,

while,

and

to bed. It

which wasn't there, puffed on the cigar

killed that, too.

was enough

The sandman, gave

me

Then

killing for

I

killed the light

one

Cooperman

my

aching mind.

I

did not agree with

I

believe he'd

was responsible

been whacked

Td

feud or argument over money, though

It

and turn the sad

toss

that a "trim-set petticoat"

Ratsos death. Nor did

him myself on

was possible that money or a

woman

was,

I

Whoever

to suspect.

same

reason.

figured into

it,

I

Cooperman

the agent of Ratsos death

strongly believed he'd

been

set in

motion

seven years ago, and there were only two people possibly think of

for

in a

felt like killing

several occasions for just that

thought, but not as simply or as neatly as

seemed

and went

day.

seemed, was on sabbatical and that

it

no choice but to painfully

situation over in

for a

who might be

able to

tell

Hamburger and Mary Goodman. Both, not appear to be eager to answer

me

I

forty-

could

why. Moie

unfortunately, did

my knock on

their doors

of perception. I

would

find

Mary Goodman,

other reason than to for her. It least I

was the

I

thought,

if for

no

her that her son had been looking

tell

least

I

could do for myself.

could do for Ratso. I fell

It

was the

asleep to the stained-glass

glare of a streethght inexorably turning red, green, yellow,

and red

again,

hke so many Popsicle

saints

and jukebox

witches burning in the Dark Ages of the heart. Just before

locust inside

dawn

I

my pillow.

began

In a moderately brain-dead state

collared the bedside blower

believed was

to hear a noise like a giant

and yanked

my head. 107

it

over to what

I

I

KINKY FRIEDMAN "This

is

the

AT&T

"You have a collect

operator," said a female voice.

call."

**Who s calhng, operator?"

"David Victor Goodman," she

108

said.

CHAPTER

Z1

When

heard the rather distinctive voice of the caller powering over the blower, I knew Fd either gone to Jesus myself or Ratso was still malingering somewhere I

along this mortal that Ratso

coil.

As

it

became

was yet amongst us

I

increasingly apparent

found myself torn simulta-

neously between the equally compelling twin desires of

jumping

for joy

and

killing his ass again.

"Kinkstah!" he shouted. "Kinkstah!"

"This better be good,"

I

though

said grimly,

I

must

confess a virtual tidal bore of relief was washing over me. In spite of the fact that

it

was 5:30 A.M. and

tempting rather unsuccessfully to disentangle sarong from a monstro morning erection,

I

I

was

at-

my Borneo

let

out with a

well-modulated Texas whoop and attempted to scoop up the cat, which irritated her no end; she stalked out of the

bedroom

like a disdainful lover.

Of course

the cat wasn't

KINKY FRIEDMAN my lover.

Things weren't that bad. Yet.

"I've got a

problem, Kinkstah," Ratso was saying.

"I've got one, too,"

I

said.

"I'm up here in Woodstock and

Bramson

staying at

is

my

my

old friend Jack

apartment. You've met Jack,

haven't you?"

"Not formally." "Well, he's a

you know what

and

my

good guy but

mean.

I

he's not all that reliable, if

Now he s not picking up the phone

answering machine s fucked-up.

after the place for a

few days and he

I

can't

ask

him

even do

to look

that."

"Maybe you're being too hard on him." "Well, somebody's

machine

—

"At least

my

answering

—

safe sex

my number, nobody answers, and my

"I call isn't

it's

been fucking with

message

on the machine." ^^Why does everything have to have a message these

days?"

"Anyway,

if

you don't mind, Kinkstah,

I'd like

you

to

go over today and check the machine."

"No can

do. Rat."

"What do you mean? After helped you find your fucking that fucking cat.

^'What

I

all I've

girlfriend. I

done

—

a fellow ask?"

"I'm serious, Kinkstah. C'mon. I'm expecting

important

and

calls. If Jack's

he'll let

he'll give

you

you a

I

helped you find

helped you find the fucking Nazi

more could

you?

for

there, tell

in. If Jack's

out,

key."

"Jack's out," I said.

110

to

me

office

and

him you talked

buzz the super's

some

I

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Once rd

laid

it

out for him, so to speak,

hadn't

it

taken Ratso long to grasp the significance of the events of the previous night. His friend Jack Bramson,

bled Ratso

fairly closely in

body type (what

who resem-

McGovem

oc-

casionally referred to as "middle-aged Jewish meatball"),

had been travehng rather

light

and had borrowed some of

Ratsos wardrobe, which further increased the

Bramson had been or,

wrong place

in the

from Ratso s viewpoint, no doubt,

the right time, because this writing

and

I

similarity.

wrong time

in the right place at

he hadn't been there Ratso

would surely be shaking hands with the

do not mean

The

if

the

at

at

devil,

urinating.

had broken

fact that the killer

into the place with

the express purpose of icing Ratso had not been lost

upon

He also appeared to be taking in my solemn impreca-

him.

tions that his hfe

would be

in grave

take was discovered and that

some

danger once the mis-

careful plotting

on both

of our parts would be required to prevent the abrupt shortening of his hfe span.

was

just as possible that

Bramson

irritate

a goodly

Ratso, from time to time, lot

however, that to

number of people

expanse of his star-crossed hfe.

up a

still felt,

it

unplug Jack

himself Bramson, according to Ratso, had

as

managed to

He

someone wanted

I

didn't

had been rather

of people s sleeves, as well.

One

in the short

mention

it,

but

facile at getting

of those sleeves

was mine. Before

I

cradled the blower, I'd been able to extract a

promise from Ratso that he'd stay

in

Woodstock

until

I

could convince Cooperman that rumors of his death were

gready exaggerated.

It

worried

111

me

a bit that both Cooper-

KINKY FRIEDMAN man and

Ratso did not share

my

belief that the investiga-

tion into Ratsos adoption had triggered the murder

Maybe

I'd overidentified

with

my

field

Bramsons death was a separate matter so.

Otherwise, finding

of study a bit and I

certainly

hoped

Mary Goodman could become

quite

unpleasant.

At

least

Ratso was

alive, I

thought.

Now

keep him that way long enough to locate

if I

could

his mother,

I

damned

sure planned to turn the job over to her. For de-

spite his

outward show of bravado,

I

could hear in the tim-

bre of his voice that grief and fear were lurking in the wings, and in the troubled days ahead

have a hell of a

lot

"You might

Cooperman

call

calls

I

wasn't going to

of time to hold his hand. Lilyan in Florida,"

I

said.

"Before

her"

^AVhy would he do that?"

"Because he thinks you're dead."

"For a dead man,

I

took a pretty healthy

dump

this

morning."

"You might "I

just

have kept

it

keep that one to yourself,"

I

said.

to myself, Kinkstah," said Ratso, with

no small pride of accomphshment. "For/our whole

112

days!"

CHAPTER

u The next thing on my agenda that morning, after feeding the cat and performing various personal ablutions,

was the rather

tricky task of calling

Cooperman. Cops were

funny creatures. Once they'd discovered the victim and set out on the

trail

of the perpetrator, they very

ferred that the victim stay dead.

who

felt this

thing.

way, granting, of course, that cops

Even those of

solving

us

worm

pre-

felt

any-

on the peripheries of the crime-

community shared the quite

desiring our

much

Cops weren't the only ones

bait to

remain

natural proclivity of

worm

bait

and not go

through any complicating identity problems, sex changes, or midlife crises.

This particular problem had with

me

come very

not so long ago in a case that

dubbed "Musical

close to

McGovem

home

had aptly

Chairs." In this decidedly convoluted ad-

venture, the victim stubbornly refused to remain the vie-

KINKY FRIEDMAN and

tim,

this rather niggling recalcitrance

on

his part cre-

ated no end of tedium for the investigator, who, unfortu-

was me. As a

nately,

position the hkes of

result,

which

I

now found myself

I

made some

coffee, putting a small bit of eggshell in

with the grinds as was the habit of

but

my

empathized with Cooperman.

life. I

This

in a

never before known in

I'd

little ritual

it

pal

Tom

Baker.

not only enriched the flavor of the coffee

strongly brought back an aura of the Bakerman, pos-

an aura of an

sibly

my old

hopeful time so grainy

era. It

was a strange and young and

of rainy mornings, sunny days, and nights

full

and raw and mystical you

side

some

close

enough

felt

you were

old French movie. Heroes, to

be your

friends.

seemed, were

Today they seem very

meet

away. In

fact, if

you want

you have

to find

him somewhere along

to

it

living in-

far

a real hero these days a dust)'

dream

trail,

evanescent as childhood, fragile as the eggshells in your coffee.

By the time

I

got around to calling

Cooperman, the

garbage trucks were grumbhng, the pigeons were on the wing, the commuters had crawled through

their tun-

and the detective sergeant himself was already out

nels,

someplace left

all

in the city

hot on the track of Ratso s killer

word with the desk sergeant

when he checked cause

Cooperman

to call

me

had some new information on the

in. I

That was the way

case.

for

I

I left it

and

when Cooperman found

out

it

was a good

Fd had

thing, be-

a conversation

with his latest murder victim the morning after the murder,

he was not going

to

be a happy

little

New Yorker.

As the morning wore on, the lesbian dance cranked up directly above

class

my slight hangover and Stephanie 114

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE DuPont tcx)k to

same time, which

called at almost precisely the

be a good

the death of

sign.

my friend and

I

told her that

friend, just a friend of a friend

he wasn't

it all

much about the whole

I

cause

was getting extremely dangerous and

it

couldn't say too

to drag her into

enormously

to tell her

big, hairy steaks.

social

This, of course,

more

Nothing

I

also told

matter be-

didn't

I

want

whetted her appetite

and

for additional information

by promising

your

it.

it

Pyramus and

over the neighborhood.

her that

really a

know

but the cops didn't

yet so don't say anything to anyone, especially

Thisbe. They'd yap

I

She told me how sorry she was about

I finally

got off

that evening over a couple of

murder

like a little

to

improve

life.

By Gary Cooper time

I

was beginning to experience a

rather abnormal emotional state, the psychological term

Sergeant

remember Cooperman again or

Mary Goodman before some

sick spiritual speci-

which

for

is

the Swiss cheese effect.

important things finding

men

with a

ski

like calling

could not

mask and a sawed-off shotgun found Ratso

my mind seemed

or myself. All

I

ages floating by in a soup of the past. into a carved girl in

were

to retain

The

trivial

im-

cat vomiting

meerschaum pipe of JFK's head, a

beautiful

an almost empty Chinese restaurant hfting a peach-

colored dress up to her waist to prove she was a true

blonde (she was), Waylon Jennings pulling up black limo as in

I

some other

for

was walking to the laundromat lifetime

and

saying:

"Get

in.

in a long

in Nashville

Walldn's bad

your image." Very possibly,

my

little trip

to Florida

combined with

the rather hideous events of the previous night were creating a belated strain on

my brain. With 115

a conscious effort

I

KINKY FRIEDMAN took leave of

my

dawdling daydreams long enough to

Kent Perkins s answering machine

my troubles.

chine

investigation.

I

related to

said that

I

Yd

in L.A.

I

told the

call

ma-

the latest wrinkles in the

it

like for

Kent

to get his large,

luminous buttocks out of the hot tub as soon as possible before this whole thing rain.

The machine took

better about myself and

fell

apart like a matzo ball in the in understandingly

it all

my

life.

Maybe

I

was

and

I felt

just tired.

I

hadn't had a good nights sleep in about forty years and

perhaps

it

was catching up with me.

couch with the

When

I

crashed on the

I

cat.

awoke, the sky was rather noticeably darker

and the telephones were rather noticeably

my way

gated

picked up the blower on the "Start talkin',"

"Mit

— Mit—

I

navi-

left.

I said.

Mit!!" said

used code for the

when

ringing.

through the semi-gloom to the desk and

McGovem,

invoking our oft-

Man in Trouble hotline we*d devised man who'd been dead for six months

the body of a

had been found

in his

Chicago apartment. Calling each

other

fairly regularly in this

make

sure that

McGovem

manner was merely a way

and

I

were both

alive.

So

far,

to

so

good. "Mit,"

I

responded rather grudgingly.

"You heard about Ratso?" he said "No, but

David

bit a

I

heard that

woman on

my

breathlessly.

three-year-old

nephew

the ass in a shoe store yesterday in

Silver Spring, Maryland."

McGovem wished

I

plowed doggedly on.

could see

McGovem s

face.

"Ratsos been murdered," he

116

said.

I

lit

a cigar and

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "Don't believe everything you read in the papers."

laughed

heartily.

working on the

"Its not in the papers yet. I'm just

story now. Wait a minute, Kinkster! that

you "I

me, ator.

aren't telling

saw the body But

in fact.

Friend of

I

McGovem sounded thunderstruck.

me?" last night.

wasn't Ratso.

it

his

What do you know

Very convincing. Fooled It

who happened

was a Ratso impersonto

be staying there for

the weekend. Ratso's alive and well and just as obnoxious as ever." "

This changes the story."

and

"Yes,

if you'll

help me,

I

might

like to

change

it

some more." Keeping things

em

and about

my

Mary Goodman. if

"It's

the record,

identity as

I

told

McGov-

David Victor Goodman

preparing to embark upon the search for I

also told

ture his help might

mother

strictly off

new

about Ratso's

him

become

that in the very near fu-

essential in finding Ratso's

other methods didn't prove successful.

great to feel needed,"

"Now

he

said.

tread carefully with this story.

No mention

of

anything to do with the adoption investigation, and re-

member, the cops may still not know that the victim wasn't Ratso." "

That's

what we members of the

fifth estate

Uke to

refer to as a scoop."

"Maybe

next time

Cooperman

will return

my phone

may want to assemble the Village Irregulars on this Of course, Downtown Judy's gone, Rambam's out of

calls. I

one.

the country, and Ratso's going to have to keep a rather low profile for a while."

117

KINKY FRIEDMAN "That doesn't leave much. us

girls,

I

wish, just

Ratso. Next time

guy thought he was

he might think he s

killing you.

killing

Remind

not to borrow your cowboy hat." "I told

Ratso I'd find his mother."

McGovem

"But things have turned deadly now," said with compassion in his voice.

Why

volved personally?

cops? I I

between

that you'd think twice about continuing to look for

Ratso's mother. Obviously, the

me

And

also a

I

it

all

to

be

in-

over to the

puffed patiently on the cigar and thought about

good

stir

feel

things up.

It

why

was a good question.

It

cigar.

"The answer

way

you turn

Why do you always have to stir things up?"

always had to

was

"Why do you have

can't

is

simple,"

I

told

McGovem,

"but the

was described more eloquently by Gustave

Flaubert over a hundred years ago. Flaubert very old sometimes.

I

carry on

said:

and would not

T

feel

like to die

before having emptied a few more buckets of shit on the

heads of my fellow men.'

"Maybe Govem.

I

will

"

borrow your cowboy

118

hat," said

Mc-

CHAPTER

2?

Keeping information from a woman

when

know, especially

DuPont,

is

at

Chateau de Cat

Maybe

I

if

—there

was already

to hear myself tell the

whole story

because

—short

of finding

was almost nothing

it.

I

mother

after

screwed up and

in.

Almost

as

daunting and dangerat

Stephanie DuPont.

crazy," said Stephanie, "to

all this

to

being Ratso or myself

ous as looking across the candlelight

seems

hoped

could do but wait

realize they'd

"It"

I

Mary Good-

was an extremely daunting and dan-

reflected,

gerous position to be

"It

bottle of

so to speak.

spilling

there was something I'd missed.

to take another shot at I

first

it,

around for the bad guys to

This,

looks like Stephanie

Derby had brought the

the

Piss, I

wanted

just

hell there was,

man

woman

harder than Japanese arithmetic. So, by the

time the waiter

again to see

that

who wants to

time

go after the

when you could be going

after

KINKY FRIEDMAN Fm

that lawyer. That lawyer sounds suspish.

going to law

school myself in a couple years, you know." "Fll bet I said.

"You

I

can't stand the sight of is that hairball

Get

lip.

I

to law school,"

I

can't stand the sight of blood."

'What lower

know why youVe going

rid

on your

of it, Friedman."

poured us both another

wine and

glass of

I

noticed

the waiter standing silendy above the table like a well-

dressed hovercraft.

'What was

that lawyers

name?" asked Stephanie.

"Hamburger."

"And

for the lady?" said the waiter.

"No, no," standing.

very

rd

"There s been a

I said.

moment

like to

plotting to

kill all

of

misunder-

terrible

Hamburger s the lawyer who

is,

no doubt,

at this

But before he does

us.

Medium

order two big, hairy steaks.

rare okay,

Stef?" "Yes,

schmuck-head," she

schoolgirl that,

I

said,

gigghng

suppose, she very nearly was.

"That s Lord Schmuck-head, to you," I

would write

beautiful

a scholarly dissertation

young

girls call

names with why dogs

middle-aged

I said.

Someday

comparing why

men

lick their testicles.

disrespectful

Both do

it,

course, because they can. If you're the middle-aged there's nothing it

the

like

you can do but take

it

in stride

of

man

and not

let

get your goat. Your goat, no doubt, wouldn't want to be

disturbed. He's probably very busy licking his testicles.

"Okay," said Stephanie,

erman

hasn't called

"let's

see where

we are. Coop-

you back and probably

Ratso's dead."

"That's correct."

120

still

thinks

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "Ratsos

hiding out in Woodstock so he won't get

still

dead."

"That s correct."

"And you're

sitting

friend Kent Perkins to find

on your Hebe

come

to

New

ass waiting for

your

York and help you

Mary Goodman." "That's technically correct. Just like Jesus reportedly

do anything

told the Mexicans, *Don't

Kent told

me

man

he gets here.

until

until

I

get back/

not to poke around looking for Mar)' GoodIt

could create a hot

file

and

alert

the wrong people." "

file/ "

*Hot

she said, laughing. "I love the

way you

big private dicks talk." "Careful,"

I

"you

said,

may have

to eat those words."

"Friedman," she said wamingly. It

was another

dle-aged

man

facet of the beautiful

young girl-mid-

The young

language could

scenario.

girls

make

a television evangehst blush and

able.

The middle-aged man had

against a possible

to

been

that

way

DeUlah and

make

some

it s

was quite accept-

nuance or double entendre that might

offend the beautiful young things sionally, for

it

be forever on guard

ear.

This made, occa-

rather one-sided conversations, but its

since

Adam and Eve and Samson and

getting a Uttle late in the

game

to try to

a rule change now.

"Now just why," arrival

she

said,

pausing to acknowledge the

of the big, hairy steaks, "do you hold this Kent

Perkins in such high regard?" "Well, for one thing he's a working, licensed private investigator,

unUke myself."

"Who would've

guessed?"

121

KINKY FRIEDMAN "For another,

an old friend. He's also Ruth

he's

Buzzi's husband."

Stephanie DuPont laughed for a very long time. She

laughed so hard there were tears in her eyes. The wine

and the candlelight made them look the

summer

like

blue windows in

rain.

"What's wrong with being Ruth Buzzi's husband?" said at

I

last.

"Nothing," she said.

"It's

He

wonderful.

can stake out

the set o( Sesame Street/'

"Kent does know a tions.

He

it's

—marriages,

you look hard

and looking

divorces, illnesses, job changes, vot-

open those records

The

for you.

reaucrats he's a

Mormon

genealogy. That

way they

shut

if

like following a jungle trail

ing records, traffic tickets. to

about these kinds of investiga-

you can find anybody

says

enough. Claims for signs

lot

skill is in

He

says

getting strangers

he often

tells

bu-

student checking out his family's don't get their antennas

up and

down on him." "That's funny," said Stephanie. "You don't look like a

Mormon

student."

"Kent Perkins says

all

we need

to

do

is

check back to

the 1940s and find her date of birth, her social security

number, and,

if

known address. With down easily"

possible, her last

information he can track her

that

"With that information Pyramus and Thisbe could track her down."

For a while we both concentrated on the dissection procedures attendant to the meal. As Bob Dylan once said:

"A

lot

of people got a

lot

of knives and forks on their

122

COD BLESS JOHN WAYNE They

tables.

gotta cut something." It might as well,

I fig-

ured, be a big, hairy steak. That, very hkely, wasn't what

Bob had meant, but of course

that

was always open to

in-

terpretation.

"This big, hairy steak

most

as

good

as

really killer bee," I said. "Al-

is

Joes Jefferson Street Cafe in Kerrville,

Texas." "I

wouldn't know," she said.

Possibly,

a

little

I

gazed

Stephanie s eyes a Uttle too long or

at

too longingly, but

Anyway,

I like

if I did,

a girl with a

had one, because

it

she didn't seem to notice.

good

appetite. Evidently, she

wasn't long before we'd dusted off the

big hairies, the waiter'd brought out the dessert menus,

and Stephanie was back to badgering

me about the investi-

gation.

"So what are you going to do until Kent Perkins arrives?" "I've

been thinking a

danna around the

cat's

lot

about tying a

little

red ban-

neck and taking her out to Central

Park to play Frisbee." Stephanie snorted a difficult for a

woman

tired, cynical snort.

to snort in

It's

extremely

an attractive fashion, but

there was something so primitive in that simple display that

it

much

seemed downright into

sexy.

Maybe

I

was reading too

but she appeared capable of simultaneous

it,

sensuality, sophistication,

that every day

even

in

and earthiness and you don't see

New

you usually have to look

at

York.

To

find those qualities

three different people, and

even then, some of them might require a stunt man. "Okay,"

I

said, "I

had an idea on the plane coming 123

KINKY FRIEDMAN back from Florida that

and synagogues here

I

might check with some temples

Maybe we can

in the city.

Goodman somewhere

Long

gonna

fly

Mary

in their old files."

"Yeah," said Stephanie, "that shit s really

find a

big time with

Mormon

some

missionary

httle old rabbi

on

Island."

approach

"Fll alter the

slightly," I said. "Fll

say I'm

from the Church of the Latter-Day Businessman." Stephanie smiled very briefly and turned her attention to the waiter,

who'd materiaHzed again

to take our

dessert orders.

"Hows

the cream brulee?"

I

asked.

ded approvingly. Stephanie continued "You know,"

cream brulee. Paris, I've

I

I've

ordered

said,

in

it

in

Houston,

Melbourne,

I've

ordered

Australia. I've

cream brulee crossing the Atlantic Ocean on the

There was a

bit

waiter looked at me.

menu.

"I'm somewhat of an expert on

ordered it

The waiter nod-

to study her

it

in

even had

QE 2."

of a silence as both Stephanie and the

Then they looked

at

each other. Then

Stephanie shook her head sUghtly and gave a small, dry laugh.

"Maybe

if

"you'd learn that

you traveled a it's

little

further," she said,

pronounced crerne brulee."

124

CHAPTER

14

No ONE

WON A WAITING GAME. THIS WAS THE thought that was in my head when I woke up late the next morning with the cat sleeping on my face and my old BorHAS EVER

neo sarong twisted

tightly into a rather unpleasant tourni-

my scrotum. When Td finally become a homo fed the cat, made some coffee, lit my first cigar of

quet around erectus,

the morning, and tried to decide whether or not to change the cat

litter, it

past time to tive,

sit

was half past Gary Cooper time and way

down

at

my desk and do some

cold,

deduc-

Sherlockian thinking. I

had several

crucial executive decisions to

make

which might have far-reaching repercussions that could impact significantly upon of

my

The

my

client in, of course, a

cat

Hfe, that of

my

cat,

and

random and haphazard

and the coffee were both

sitting

that

order.

on the desk and

KINKY FRIEDMAN the

smoke from the

cigar

was

lesbian dance class, which,

I

filtering

noticed,

upward toward the sounded

like

it

had

damned thing loose. The come to order. It was fortu-

turned on the juice and cut the

board meeting was ready to nate,

I

reflected, that

didn't have

I

any stockholders.

According to Anthony Robbins, the California motivational guru,

making a decision

—any decision— one of — is

the most important things you can do in your Ufe sleeping, hosing,

eating,

dumping, belching, and dying, presumStephanie DuPont,

ably notwithstanding.

heard refer to Robbins

who

as "that horse-faced

I

once

nerd whos

sucldng everybody dry," also puts great stock in decision

making. The truth

is, if

you don't make decisions

for your-

come along and pluck you Unfortunately, if you do make up by your pretty little neck. decisions, fate will also come along and pluck you up by your pretty little neck. The wisest thing to do is to behave in a decisive manner while assiduously avoiding making any real decisions. That way everyone will respect you self,

one of these days

enormously your pretty

until fate

little

fate will

comes along and plucks you up by

neck and everyone claims

it

was your own

fault.

"As chief executive,"

I

said, "I

now

bring this meeting

to order."

The totally

cat looked at

me with that

absent from her eyes.

The

fabled curiosity almost

coffee cup continued to

send particles of steam toward the ceihng. The cigar also

plumed

a small bluish-white

smoke from a top, as fate

little

column ever upward

Mary Poppins chimney. On the

would have

it,

like

roof-

was a large group of long-legged 126

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE whom were somewhat confused all of whom had faUen under the

young women, many of about their

sexuality,

and

Sapphic spell of Winnie Katz. They had so

httle

regard for

men

that they

floor

below them an important board meeting was taking

were no doubt oblivious

to the fact that

one

place.

"Gentlemen,"

I

who we have

blinked several

said to the cat,

times rather indignantly, "today

a vital decision

to make. There are three possible courses of action, only

one of which do we have the time, energy, and man-

power

action has

its

devote our is

up

own compelling

full

attention to

why we should

reason for

The

decision, gentlemen,

paused here for dramatic effect and gazed purpose-

about the boardroom. The cat had gone to sleep on

her back with

all

four paws in the

The

longer steaming.

dance it

it.

potential courses of

to us." I

fully

Each of the three

to pursue.

seemed

class

cigar

was

to maintain

probably would for

its

all eternity.

tions or disappointments,

I

air.

The

out.

coffee was

no

Only the lesbian

thunder from above, as

Unfazed by any

finished

my speech

distrac-

in unfalter-

ing, decisive tones.

"Today, gentlemen, ter the lawyer,

whether

to

whether to go

change the

At that very

blower on the

we must

decide whether to go

af-

Mary Goodman,

or

after

cat litter."

moment

the phones rang.

"Leprosarium for unwed mothers,"

The

I

picked up the

left. I

said.

voice that rasped through the blower belonged

to Sergeant

Mort Cooperman, and the message

127

it

passed

KINKY FRIEDMAN along to

me was enough to cause

anybody's board meeting

to adjourn.

Fate,

it

would seem, had plucked

httle neck.

128

me up by my pretty

CHAPTER

19

The late-afternoon

sky was gray,

premature snowflakes

as I

weaved

and

dodged a few

I

across the Village for

my appointment at the cop shop. Cooperman hadn*t told me much over the phone but he'd told me enough to make me rather nervous in the service. When Fd told him that Ratso wasn't the victim, he'd

knowing,

fairly repellent laugh.

launched into a long,

From

the laugh he transi-

tioned to a wheeze, and then he laid the

They'd apprehended the

killer.

Since

bomb on me.

we were

"colleagues

of a sort," and "in this thing together," he wanted

come down and meet sometime o'clock?"

later in the

It

the perpetrator.

I

week?" and he said

me

to

"How about "How about four

said

was now three forty-seven and

I

was beginning

to feel slightly agitato.

There was a world of things

them was

surprises.

As a

I

didn't like

and one of

child, a surprise usually

connotes

KINKY FRIEDMAN something good. As an adult, the notion of a surprise often indicates

youVe about

Coopeiman planned precinct, but

I

going to be a

new

horseshit,

A as

I

I

to

pretty

felt

be hosed.

had no idea what

I

when I got down to the damn sure the surprise wasn't skates. Maybe it'd be a load of

to unveil

pair of

figured, without the pony.

me

sense of personal dread began mounting inside

climbed the concrete steps of the precinct house,

flicking

my cigar at

a nearby covey of trash cans.

me

imagine what Cooperman wanted to show couldn't have told

me

boy hat was off to him, leaving me, in the

shape of the

my cowof course, with my hair killer,

hat, looking like Lyle Lovett's

older brother. At the

moment, however,

thought,

was Cooperman 's show and

it

was a

little

man

I

The only price of admission,

the invited guest.

inside

my

gut

who

smarter

decidedly in

I felt

the debit column in the gray-matter department. hell, I

he

that

over the phone. If he'd correcdy

and apprehended the

identified the victim

tried to

I

What

the

was merely it

appeared,

kept elbowing

me

in

the colon. I

opened the door and noticed immediately

that the

desk sergeant had a large red caterpillar crawling extremely slowly across his upper in

no hurry either.

It

lip. I,

and then directed It

It

me

to a nice

was Uke Cooperman

Cooperman was not

to

Cooperman

like

only thing that

Cooperman

me waiting.

to consider

two of us were

's

office

cement bench without a

keep

to gloat over the successful

to believe the

was

turned out to be a good thing, because

the desk sergeant checked briefly with

park.

for that matter,

It

was

wrap-up of a

me

a "colleague" or

"in this thing together."

Cooperman and 130

I

were

like

case.

in together

was

The life.

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE and everybody knew

that life

been out of circulation Well,

be

certainly

magazine that had

many years now. Cooperman had indeed caught

if

Jack Bramsons murderer, a

would

just a

for

thought,

I

was

of the danger to Ratso

lot

As a

alleviated.

result,

the stress and

pressure on myself would be greatly reduced and

be allowed to go and empty the ing.

after the lawyer, find

I

was

just

nodded me

in,

what

cat litter in peace. That's

But things are never what you

I

might

Mary Goodman, was think-

I

think.

when the desk sergeant thing I knew I was beyond

about nodding out

and the next

the land of pebbled glass, sitting in front of the cluttered, battle-scarred desk of Sergeant

not especially like the

some

Mort Cooperman.

smile on his face.

little

papers, shook a cigarette from

and ht

it

with his Zippo.

I

He

I

did

shuffled

some off-brand pack,

took a fresh cigar out of

my

hunting vest and began prenuptial arrangements.

Buddy Fox, "No pipes or cigars."

"Sorry," said Sergeant

from a

file

"The

cabinet.

to

Cooperman,

victim," said

immediately from the

lab,

"as

was not your

as

he slunk over

we

learned almost

pal. It

turned out

be a friend of his. Guy name of Jack Bramson. Lived

in

Queens. Looked out for the place sometimes when your pal left

town

for the

weekend. This time, apparently, he

didn't look out too good."

"Tell

me

something

I

don't know. Sergeant."

Cooperman's smile became possible, slightly

slightly broader,

more unpleasant.

"If you're

to your conspiracy theory connection of this

whacked having something tion investigation,

to

do with your

you can forget 131

it.

We

still

and

if

chnging

guy getting

brilliant

got the

adop-

killer.

We

KINKY FRIEDMAN overheard his confession.

And we

him confessing on

got

tape."

At

this point

naled hke a

traffic

Cooperman stood up abrupdy and cop for

sig-

me to follow him.

"Teatime s over," said Fox.

Cooperman led the way down a narrow corridor past offices, more pebbled glass, ringing telephones,

more

muffled voices redolent with the the big

city. It

was a hallway

trivia

like

and the tragedy of

any other except that

it

held a strange, jangly sort of ambience not dissimilar to that of an

emergency corridor in a

walked by you could almost from the

We man the

As you

sweet downdraft

wings of life and death. flight

of

stairs

with Cooper-

myself in the middle, and Fox bringing up

in front,

rear. It felt like

less

feel the cool,

fateful flutter of the

descended a small

big-city hospital.

being sandwiched between two relent-

walking bookends. Several uniforms were moving

about the hallway

when we reached

One walked close by us on the edged him with

all

right.

the next floor down.

Cooperman acknowl-

the regard one might have for a passing

dragonfly. Clearly, the detective sergeant

mission.

He motioned

to a guard

door swung open ahead of us.

We walked through

dank, tombUke place where

cool,

was a man on a

and a large iron-barred it

Cooperman

into a finally

stopped and turned around. "I

killer

think

close to I

I

told you,"

he

said, "that

once we caught the

you'd see that the whole thing was pretty simple and

home. You remember

nodded.

**Well,

it

I

me saying that, Tex?"

remembered.

did turn out to be pretty simple.

And if you'll

direct your attention over to that holding cell you'll see that

132

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE it

turned out to be about as close to I

the

made

cell. I

only

you can

out a solitary figure huddled in the

get."

clearly through the gloom.

increase the gloom

was Ratso.

133

I felt

my eyes

But what in

I

comer of

walked a few steps closer and squinted

more

managed to It

as

looked where Cooperman was pointing and

vaguely

to see

home

I

my heart.

saw

CHAPTER

26

Robert Louis Stevenson was once asked to contribute a short story for a religious tract that was being circulated in

Samoa by

"The

Bottle

The

a local missionary friend.

Stevenson wrote for the

little

Imp" and before long became

It is

the tale of a

low

price, of a

man who comes

magic imp

any material wish he

as

a world classic.

into ownership, at a very

who

in a bottle

desires.

story that

magazine was known

The imp

will grant

him

came

into

originally

the world through a deal with the devil and, so the story goes, any

man who

dies with the

imp

in his possession will

Although the price of the imp

go to

hell.

cents,

no one

is

foolish

enough

to purchase

is it,

only a few

because the

resale prospects are fairly hideous, along with, of course,

the prospects of what happens to you the trapdoor with the

The man

is

imp

if

you

fall

through

as part of your estate.

in a frenzy to get rid of the

imp but can

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE find

no buyers, so he

home,

like

tries to give

magic, there

is

it

imp

the

the bottle on a park bench, throws

endeavors to recycle

the bottle always returns perate master

It will

again. it

as well, all to

it

somehow to

grant

When he

away.

returns

The man

leaves

into the sea, possibly

The imp

no

avail.

its

doomed and

him any wish

in

des-

world with

in the

the sole exception of health, happiness, and peace of mind.

The

natives of

Samoa, having been the

world to have read the derstandably, that

it

story,

was not a work of

the

first in

became convinced, fiction.

quite un-

They had

observed firsthand their beloved friends unaccountable

moods of melancholia

in paradise.

They had observed

his

gentie nature, seen his health deteriorate to the

fragile,

doors of death. They wondered openly

peared to have so

much

could be so achingly lonesome for

his friends, his childhood, his

and everything

culture,

how a man who ap-

home

in Scotland, his

else that people

who have

own

every-

The natives of Samoa came safe somewhere in his great

thing have always longed for to believe that in a secret

plantation house Robert Louis Stevenson

had locked away

the bottle imp. I

might,

He

had it

to admit, as

I

looked

sometimes seemed

I

at Ratso, that try as I

could never get rid of him.

did have a singular propensity for popping up in

hfe in

moments and

vation and grief.

places that always brought

Now,

the cell door to allow

as

Cooperman

me

graciously

my

aggra-

opened

me a few minutes with the prisoner,

I

noticed that Ratso s eyes and the features of his face had

vaguely

come

to

resemble

my

mental image of the imp

in

the bottle. If Ratso s appearance, not to

135

mention

his

mere

pres-

KINKY FRIEDMAN ence

in the cell,

way attempt bling.

had seemed

When

he*d

distressing, the halting, one-

with him was even more trou-

at conversation

me two

called

Woodstock he'd sounded hke bordering-on-tedious

self.

days

earher

normal,

his

from

ebulhent,

Now, he looked and acted Uke a

man whose whole world had suddenly been

kicked out

from under him.

There was an absence of warmth and almost an ab-

when I went over to him in When I asked him how he'd hap-

sence of recognition in his eyes the

comer of the

pened

to get here,

cell.

he just despondently put

hands. Obviously, he hadn't followed stay in

Woodstock, but

mention in

it.

When

I

this

my

his

head

in his

instructions to

was hardly the time or place to

asked more questions, Ratso behaved

an almost childlike, next-door-to-autistic, manner, either

shaking his head or turning away into the comer. About the only thing he said that

was when

I

seemed remotely

asked him, incredulously,

if

intelligible

he'd actually killed

Bramson. "Hausenfluck," he

said.

"Talk to Hausenfluck."

Ratso had mentioned Hausenfluck to

during earlier conversations.

He was

me

in passing

Ratso's downstairs

neighbor, an elderly man, a former schoolteacher, who,

remembered

correctly,

had

fairly recently

if I

been experienc-

ing certain emotional problems largely associated with the bottle.

I,

too,

I

thought, had been recently experiencing

certain emotional problems largely associated with the bot-

de.

The only

and mine was It

Ratso,

difference between Hausenfluck's situation that

my bottle

didn't look like

I

appeared to contain an imp.

was going

to get

any more out of

and Cooperman was making not-so-subtle depar136

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE ture gestures in the

Ratso s arm and

left

doorway of the

cell,

so

gripped

I

him with the one-word advice Sancho

Panza occasionally gave

Don

Quixote

when

the situation

looked hopeless: "Courage?"

Out

in the hallway again,

I

assured

Cooperman

that

he was holding the wrong man. Regardless of Ratso s apparent state of clinical depression,

it

was against

his very

Cooperman took my

nature to have committed the crime.

objections in stride and calmly explained that Ratso

come back

to the city early that morning, crossed the

crime scene ribbons and,

when

had

illegally,

his neighbor, a

called him,

entered his

man named

own

apartment,

Hausenfluck, had

admitted he'd killed Jack Bramson. Since

Ratso had picked up the phone after the message tape was rolling,

own ma-

the confession had been recorded on his

chine, the tape

now

residing in the hands of the police.

Ratso had been in custody only a few hours, but

most surely would not be offered rent mental state he

was certainly a

was on the way to examine him. also

bail

A

because

al-

in his cur-

flight risk.

A

doctor

formal interview was

soon to be conducted by Cooperman. But Ratso had

already repeated to police what he'd told Hausenfluck on

the tape: "I killed Jack Bramson."

"He

didn't

back up the "Better

kill

tell

him

There was a

me

to

Jack Bramson,"

stairs to

the

I

said, as

we walked

first floor.

that," said Fox.

dull throbbing in

my head

that caused

have to concentrate on thinking clearly

Ratso was innocent.

He

by a sudden remorse

after I'd

I

knew

must've just been overwhelmed

spoken to him about the

loss

of his friend. He'd blamed himself for Bramson's death, a

137

KINKY FRIEDMAN quite natural thing for a close friend to do, finest

had taken him

thing for

them

and

New York s

hterally at his word, a quite natural

to do.

"Look," said Cooperman. "Don't you worry about

him, Tex. He's in good hands. I'm gonna be interviewing

him

myself.

A

on

doctor's

lawyer. There's nothing

**Who's the lawyer?"

"Who'd he

call,

sounding name, wasn't *Teah,"

said

his way. He's already called a

you can do." I

said.

Fox?" said Cooperman. "Funnyit?"

Fox.

"He

could've

been confused.

Could've thought he was ordering dinner." I

turned to Fox impatiently, but he'd already stepped

into the

looked

doorway of a

like

little

an aging prostitute.

an aging prostitute myself.

and stood there

"Can

I

room

until

I

I

to talk to a

woman who

was beginning to

feel like

walked over to the doorway

Fox and the woman looked up.

help you, Tex?"

*Tes, Sergeant.

What was

"Hamburger," he

that lawyer's

said.

138

name?"

CHAPTER

n When loft.

I

The

left the cop shop, loft, I

figured,

was

in

I

did not return to the

good hands. With the

cat in

charge, and Sherlock, the cockroaches, and the answering

machine

to help out, there

was almost no foreseeable

ation they couldn't deal with. If something

couldn't handle,

work run,

it

to do. Ratso

and

if I

came up they

wouldn't get handled. Right

was

didn't find

clearly out

situ-

now

I

had

where the buses don't

some answers quick

ing to belong to the gypsies. For one

his ass

who had

was go-

so recendy

come back from the dead only to arrive at a fate worse than death, he seemed to be holding up about as well as could be expected. That was more than I could say for myself.

I

The snowflakes had increased in number now, and as rambled down through Sheridan Square they wandered

through the sky in

all

directions like yesterday's brain cells.

KINKY FRIEDMAN I

know exactly what to do. I just knew that whatever rd better do it fast and right.

didn't

it

was,

was obviously heading somewhere, but

I

ally

thinking about

it.

All kinds of

wasn't re-

I

unbidden images from

the past kept unreeling themselves in the old closed-for-

my

the-winter drive-in theater of Ratso,

Paw

keys

brain.

and Mike Simmons down the

I

saw myself,

street in the

together on an evening just like this one,

lunar landings ago.

Simmons was

Monmany

a very bright, decent guy

with a good heart and the only blemish on our relationship

was that he'd hosed they'd

had a chance

Maybe mosexual

it

flattery,

maybe

it

to

former girlfriends before

last five

become former

girlfriends.

was, as Ratso had said, a form of latent ho-

women and was or

my

or

maybe Simmons just

had something

to

my taste in

liked

them

too lazy to go and find

do with the

for himself,

back

fact that

then there was more marching powder around than snowflakes, but

day

I

caught him eyeing the

I

mad

never really got

at

Michael

until the

cat.

'"Why're you looking at her that way?" "She's beautiful. So graceful."

"Don't get any ideas."

"What the "I don't

"I'd

hell are

want you

you talking about?"

hosin' that cat."

never hose your

cat. It's

the only meaningful fe-

male relationship you've ever had."

And he

kept his word.

For some reason, Simmons's persistent involvement in

my

one

love affairs never

thing,

seemed

to get

up my

he was always a gentleman about

once suggested that

I

point out

140

women

to

sleeve. it.

him

He

that

For

even I

was

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE attracted to so

he would then be able to hose them before

I

became involved with them. In this way, he averred, he would provide sort of a one-man protective health service for

me

modem

in this

transmitted diseases. Unfortunately, ter that

and ever

on

to linger

I

era of

mulled over the

Simmons

since,

old pair of red

my relationships with women seem

my

at a

little

was back in town. in

my

away

until

even friendship

and leaves nothing behind but an

cowboy boots and a cup of blue

stopped in

offer.

just a little longer than either party desires,

follows love out the door

I

other sexually

California shortly af-

left for

languishing, atrophying, rotting

name

AIDS and

comer and

coffee.

down Simmons s

jotted

notebook. There'd been reports that he If I could find

him maybe he'd intercede

relationship with Ratso. If Ratso got bail,

Simmons

could hold his hand, baby-sit him, and keep him out of further trouble, though

I

couldn't imagine

he could possibly dig himself. Or

which now appeared

likely,

bologna sandwiches and

lots

how much deeper

Ratso stayed in

if

jail,

Simmons could bring him of books about Hitler, Jesus,

and Bob Dylan. Either way, Simmons could take Ratso off

my

hands psychologically and leave

me

free to pursue

what was now becoming an investigation of a somewhat

more desperate

nature. If

I

couldn't find another

good

candidate for Jack Bramson s murderer, Ratso might very well be smoke.

As

I

crossed Seventh Avenue against the

way everybody does

in

New

does in Germany or Beverly the notion that

if I

light,

the

York and Paris and nobody Hills,

could leam

son, the secrets of Ratso s adoption

141

I still

who

strongly clung to

actually killed

would

also

Bram-

be revealed.

KINKY FRIEDMAN Bramsons death and the search

for Ratsos

mother were so

my mind that not even Mike Simwedge between them, provided, of

intimately connected in

mons could put course, that

seemed

to

Of

could locate Mike Simmons.

be better

could,

trait that

also,

I

a

at losing

late,

I

people than finding them, a

on occasion, prolong your

life

and could

on occasion, make you wonder why you bothered.

The

snow was

night was dark and cold and the

falling as I

trudged past a gay bar

I'd

once

the course of a murder investigation that

still

visited during

McGovem

had

in. I remembered walking into down at the bar, and ordering a drink. Then a guy had come up behind me and had given me the

gotten himself mixed up

the place, sitting

oldest gay pickup line in the world: stool for

"Can

push

I

your

in

you?"

There was no question,

I

thought, that the Village de-

much of its unique flavor from the gays, weirdos who lived there, along with, of course, rived

artists,

and

the worker

bees, serial killers, propeller-heads, bean counters. Re-

form

rabbis,

and pet shrinks who pretty much constituted

the normal population.

It

stopped to think about

it,

lieu.

Tonight, however,

and think about

it.

I

was a

bit disconcerting,

that

seemed

I

to

fit

when

I

into the mi-

sure as hell didn't want to stop

There'd be time for that when

found

I

Mary Goodman. As

I

crossed Sixth Avenue into SoHo, past

all

trendy stores that sold stuff nobody needed,

I

shook

my head.

I

ankled

rant thoughts

and snowflakes from

West Broadway and took a stopped

in front

right

on Prince

142

it

er-

up

where

I

now appeared troubled child. The

of a famihar building that

as spooky-looking as the artwork of a

Street,

all

the

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE troubled child

who

usually lived here,

I

was well aware,

had recentiy been incommoded and relocated

to the

sneezer. I

didn't

know why Ratso

McLane, the now-deceased find his mother.

I

almost didn't want to

Ratso had tried to lawyer. All

So

I

I

hadn't told

private dick he'd

make

knew was

unfurled

my

me

first

about

hired to

know why the hell Hamburger the

a jailhouse call to

that Ratso didn't live here anymore.

butterfly net

fluck's buzzer.

143

and pushed Hausen-

CHAPTER

u "Am

I

BEING RUDE, MOTHER?" ASKED CECIL HaUSENFLUCK

in a highly agitato, near-hysterical falsetto voice. "Is

your mother in the bedroom?"

"This

is

I said.

a studio apartment," said Hausenfluck.

"I see."

So there was no bedroom and there was no mother, unless, of course, she'd in the

come back

floor

lamp he*d appeared

God knows

there were enough

Why

not his mother dis-

form of the large tasseled

to direct his question to.

to haunt Hausenfluck

other things haunting the man.

guised as an antique floor lamp? At least he could turn her off occasionally. "So, earlier this

Ratso,"

I

morning you made a telephone

call to

said.

"Earlier this

morning

I

made

a telephone call to

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Ratso/* he stated, mimicking

''Why did you "I

wanted

my intonation precisely.

call him?**

to tell

him about the

little

children coming

back and the Big Bad Wolf at the door." of course,

"I see," I said again, but,

I didn't.

No one

ever really saw the things that the Cecil Hausenflucks of the world did. Well,

maybe Anne Frank, Joan of Arc, and things, but look what happened to

Van Gogh saw those them. They they

all

now

died inconceivably hideous deaths and

with God, who, judging from the state of the

live

planet these days, doesn't see too

damn

well Himself.

Maybe Texas State Opticals got something for Him. "Maybe this isn't a good time," I said, as Hausenfluck began trying to establish eye contact with a half-eaten turkey drumstick on the table.

another time and "I've eaten said, in a

let

you

"Maybe

finish

I

should

come back

your meal."

an appropriate amount for

my

figure,"

he

prim, take-no-prisoners falsetto.

"Fine,"

I said.

"Let's get

back to your conversation

with Ratso." "He's a fine young man,

"He

certainly

"Well, you know, httle children tricksters,

they hid

he helps

come and

they are. Hide

my

isn't

he?"

is."

me

sometimes when the

play tricks on me. They're

my money sometimes.

Last

little

week

reading glasses. Haven't found them yet."

"What do they look

like?"

I said.

"These

little chil-

dren."

With kicked his

his right foot, left

Hausenfluck almost synaptically

ankle twice.

145

It

was a small thing but

KINKY FRIEDMAN nonetheless rather disconcerting to the casual

When

he spoke, there was a

"The just like

children have

little little

little

faces

demonic

evil,

No

short bodies.

No

legs.

Am

heads

httle

little

creatures.

arms.

his

said.

and

children but they're not

They're really very tle,

absence of guile in

total

he believed every word he

features. Clearly,

visitor.

children.

They have I

lit-

being rude.

Mother?" His mother didn't answer. Neither did

He was

I.

watching

my

of doubt or skepticism.

I

face carefully

shook

pathetic

manner and

sionless

countenance you

my head

now

for

any trace

shghtly in a sym-

strived to achieve the vapid, expresaffect

when you know

that a

well-respected child molester's about to feed you a com-

munion

wafer.

"About a month ago," Hausenfluck continued, to

move

all

my furniture

helped

me move certainly

"Don't

things. Ratso

that heavy desk there into the hallway.

He's a fine young fellow,

"He

had

out into the hall there by the ele-

them from hiding behind

vator just to keep

"I

isn't

he?"

is."

know what

I'd

do without him."

You're about to find out,

enough of the

little

to steer things

on

children and

to the Big

I I

thought. I'd had about figured

it

might be time

Bad Wolf at the door and then

follow that by walking out the door myself. This guy was cookin'

on a planet

"So

tell

me

that hadn't

even been discovered

about the Big Bad Wolf

said, as I blithely

at

your door,"

watched him lack himself twice

146

yet. I

in the

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE ankle again. to get

him on

ever got

was a painful thing to watch, but

It

track.

home from

"Not

my

door,"

Maybe Yd

try

it

myself,

I

it

seemed

thought,

if I

the third ring of Saturn.

he was

saying.

^What?'

"The Big Bad Wolf was

at

Ratsos door."

Hausenfluck was smiling a to himself now.

He

little

wasn't going to

smile and

make

ment witness or

anything, but he was

me

had

at the time. I

to

humming

a great govern-

had going

all I

for

keep him focused on the Big Bad

Wolf.

''When did you see the Big Bad Wolf?" "Let

me

see. It

thats right, because

I

was three nights ago,

needed Ratso s help

clothes into the hallway because the

hiding in the closet. Did

I tell

little

to

I

think. Yes,

move

all

my

children were

you about the

httle chil-

dren?"

"You mentioned them in passing. What did the Big

Bad Wolf do?"

"He was knock, knock,

knockin' on Ratsos door, just

hke that Bob Dylan song Ratso s always playing. Then he

down and I got and came back here

huffed and he puffed and he blew the door scared and

I

got back on the elevator

and one of the to

httle children

wake up the super

had taken

so he could let

me

my keys back

and

I

had

in."

"But you saw the Big Bad Wolf?"

"Of course." "Describe him to me." "Well, he

FUCKING

—GET

drapes!!!

OFF THE DRAPEs!! YOU'LL stop

RIP

THE

hanging on THE FUCKING 147

KINKY FRIEDMAN drapes!!! I'm

gonna get the broom!! where'd you hide

the fucking broom?!!

—

Hausenfluck was screaming

He jumped up

lungs. lently

as if

now

the top of his

at

something had bitten him,

knocking over the coffee table and sending the

eaten turkey leg on a nice lamp.

I

little

trajectory over the floor

took a few steps forward to calm him

room

leapt across the

"there's

viohalf-

down but he

leprechaun on cruise control.

like a

one on the couch!! he was SITTING RIGHT

NEXT TO me!! get THEM OUT OF HERE!! GET THEM OUT OF here!!!" I

doll or little

know whether to shake Hausenfluck like a rag throw water on him or just try to help him get the

didn't

children out of there.

I

finally

opted for going into

some brandy.

the kitchen and looking for

I

banged around

for a while with

Hausenfluck screaming in the background

and every time

I

empty

opened a

liquor bottles

fell

cabinet, about eight

out on top of

me

hundred

which,

I

rea-

soned, could Ve been a contributing factor to Hausenflucks dementia. Eventually,

I

found a nearly

poured us both a healthy coaxing to pour

it

dance again and

I

glass;

down our didn't

full

bottle of

brandy and

neither of us needed

necks. Hausenfluck

want him

to drink alone so

us both a very generous second round.

A

much

wanted I

I

closed the door softly and

gave

short time later,

with Cecil Hausenfluck snoring quiedy on the couch,

myself out.

to

left

I let

him there with

his Uttle children. I

took the sad, small elevator

down

to the lobby

and

walked out of Ratso's building and went down to the cor-

148

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE ner to look for a air

had

about

taxi. It

had stopped snowing and the night

sort of a cold, crystalline, Zhivago-like

comfort

it.

"Am

I

being rude, Mother?"

I

said to the

My mother didn't answer either.

149

New York sky.

CHAPTER

Z9

Kent Perkins blew into town the next morning large,

ping.

blond California condor and he

hit

like a

the ground flap-

He wanted first of all for the two of us to take a work-

ing Los Angeles report to

him the

"rll tell

power brunch during which details of the case

you everything

from

was

to

start to finish.

can remember,"

I

I

I said,

"but

Vm not Archie Goodwin." **Who s Archie Goodwin?" he

"A

"Every good detective

is

a fictional detective," said

Perkins. "It s not an exact science.

swers, the hard-asses

get the job done.

people It

said.

fictional detective."

who seem

The

all

the an-

and headline grabbers, they best PI

work

almost not to

was a pretty

The guys with is

usually

rarely

performed by

exist."

insightful observation,

I

thought, for a

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE guy who'd never heard of Archie Goodwin. Of course, you couldn't

blame him. Nero Wolfe was a

cerebral, middle-aged, fat

a car,

much

man who

less a car chase. In

movie, someone like

large, sedentary,

almost never got into

order to portray him in a

Tom Hanks would

have to bulk up to

about four hundred pounds and even then the opportunities to

emote would be severely

restricted to the pushing

out and pulling in of one s Ups just prior to the solution of the case. For these reasons, to the movies,

and people

Nero Wolfe had never made in

ever read books, would have no sidekick was Archie unlikely that Archie

who seldom

Hollywood,

way of knowing

Goodwin. To be

totally fair,

it

if

that his it is

also

Goodwin had ever heard of Tom

Hanks.

For the

first

time in a long while

I

was

starting to feel

little better about the way the investigation was going, rd been able to reach Mike Simmons the night before and he seemed very eager to step in for me and spend some

a

quality time with Ratso.

where, but

NYPD

I

Not

that Ratso

figured that between

was going any-

Simmons and the

he'd be kept safely on ice long enough for Perkins

and myself

to

come up with another candidate

for Rikers

Island.

Besides, there was something about Kent Perkins,

other than his being large and blond and from California, that inspired confidence, or at least a

measure of trust.

He

was pleasant, modest, and engaging, which was more than I

could say for most of

he was a private

my New

investigator,

found respect for the

law.

York friends, and though

he seemed to have a pro-

This differed markedly from

151

KINKY FRIEDMAN Rambam s

approach, which was that the law was an ass

and needed

cowboy

to

be kicked periodically with a pointy-toed

was probably one of the reasons why

boot. That

Rambam was wanted I

town

in every state that started with

an

took Kent Perkins to Big Wong s restaurant in Chinafor our

power brunch. As we entered the

cooks and waiters

lined

all

place, the

up behind the counter and

shouted in unison: "Oooh-lah-lah! Oooh-lah-lah! Kee-kee!

Chee-chee! Kee-kee! Chee-chee!" I

oooh-lah-lahed back a few times and took the recep-

tion smoothly tra entering

and graciously

some

manner of Frank

in the

small cafe in Little

Sina-

Italy.

Kent Perkins was duly impressed.

The manager, who stood behind the Jewish piano and spoke very little English, nodded about seven times to me and Kent and then looked around. '"Where Raz-zo?*' he "Don't ask,"

The self

I

said.

told him.

"kee-kee, chee-chee" greeting for Ratso and my-

was a

tradition at Big

Wong s

over the years, Ratso and

I

that

seldom had varied

having very possibly

fre-

quented the place more than any man, woman, or child on the planet.

The

chee-chee"

is

precise

open

to

meaning of the words "kee-kee,

some debate. Ratso and

I

have

al-

ways considered them to be terms of endearment and have acted accordingly, considering the Big

Wong waiters,

despite the fact that few spoke English, to be

most

loyal, reliable friends in

were our only friends

the

city.

some of our

Sometimes they

in the city.

152

I

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Ted Mann, the former and a writer

for

NYPD Blue,

editor of National is

Lampoon

an old pal of mine and has a

slighdy different interpretation of the "kee-kee, chee-

chee" greeting.

It is

Ted s contention, and he claims he has

researched the matter, that these two words are not really

He

terms of endearment. "chee-chee'* are actual

and

believes that "kee-kee"

Mandarin words

"smelly," respectively.

Ted

that

mean

friendly, rather eccentric,

Kent and

I

there was to

homosexuals because

were shown

I

of

we come

to a special table in the

finished the

I'd regurgitated

know about

Kent made a few notes

and

as a pair

and never with a woman.

room and by the time we'd wonton mein soup

"crazy"

suspects, as well, that the

Chinese waiters think of Ratso and myself

in together so often

and

was heartened

back

course of

upon him everything

the search for

in a little

first

Mary Goodman.

notebook

as

I

yapped,

to observe that his pages flipped over

the top of the pad like a cops rather than to the side, like a

poetry major or a cub reporter for the Daily Planet. "Okay, Kink," said Kent Perkins, "lets start with the

number for the two good ol' boys with the assault rifle who followed you to the airport in Miami. Then we can move on to the roast pork. I love roast pork." license

"It

my

speaks very highly of you,"

I

said, as I

looked over

Big Chief tablet, found the license number, and re-

cited

it

to Kent,

who

jotted

it

down

in his little

notebook

and flipped another page. During the next hour or so Perkins made more abrupt trips to the pay phone than a bookie with Tourette s

syndrome.

He was

the only large, Aryan-looking person in

153

KINKY FRIEDMAN the place, which added a rather humorous component to the process, especially

when

the waiters

came

to

our

table,

pointed to the front of the restaurant, then pointed

Kent and

As Kent explained tective

at

said, "You!" it,

he had a friend who was a de-

on the Miami pohce force and another contact with

the Florida Department of Motor Vehicles, and he hoped to learn

who owned

or had leased the car before the for-

tune cookies arrived. **We

around.

may be

waiting a long time,"

No honldes. No

I

"Look

said.

fortune cookies."

But Kent Perkins was already up answering the pay phone, jotting information in

his little

notebook, and

star-

ing lustfully at the large pieces of roast pork hanging be-

hind the glass counter and dripping grease onto the

chopping board. While Kent was otherwise disposed, dered him a large portion of roast pork.

I

also

I

or-

ordered

spare ribs with black bean sauce, soya sauce chicken

chopped with the bone and ginger sauce on the

side,

and a

big helping of bok choy with oyster sauce, most of which

was already navigating

had had a chance

my

lower intestine before Perkins

to touch the roast pork.

"Don't wait for me,"

I said,

as Perkins again returned

to the table, "go right ahead."

"The

car," said

Perkins with a big Texas smile, "was

leased by the Bimini Corporation. They're right here in tle

or

New

York. I've got the address

and the

suite

lit-

num-

ber."

^What do we do now?" "First,

I'm gonna finish

this meal.

154

As soon

as

I

do

COD BLESS JOHN WAYNE that,

we're gonna find the guy

gonna lack

who

rented that car and I'm

his ass."

*Tou are?" "Thats

I said,

puffing speculatively on

right," said

Kent Perkins. "And

me long to eat roast pork."

155

my cigar.

it

don't take

CHAPTER

H Kent Perkins was right. It didn't take him long to eat roast pork. What did take up a large portion of our adult lives

was finding a cab

in

Chinatown. This, however, was

not necessarily time poorly spent, for to observe Kent,

and

it

it

gave

me

a chance

gave Kent a chance to observe

New York, which he professed to be enjoying very much in spite of the fact that

we

it

was cold and rainy and every store

passed sold buddhas, Chinese parasols, and Chicago

Bulls caps.

We

stopped

at

one restaurant window

filled

with

gi-

ant vermilion squids hanging next to rows of ducks with

hooks in what used to be their eyeballs. There was also a

whole pig hanging upside down with that

seemed

to say: "I

am

sightless

eye sockets

the reincarnation of Mussolini."

"Almost makes you want to be a vegetarian,"

I said.

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "Either that," said Perkins, "or

comer

the market on

pork-belly futures."

**What

rd

really like to

comer

is

the Bimini Corpora-

tion."

"The you

in Florida "I

very damning information."

is

know,"

to lack a

they rented the car that tried to whack

fact that

I said,

"but

it s

whole corporation s

not going to be easy for you

ass."

"IVe come up against corporations before," said Kent, as he bundled up against the cold. "These old boys are probably slicker than owl shit

when we

find that

head honcho

gonna

his polo shirts

up

roll

on a pump handle, but

Fm gonna hit him so hard his spine like a Venetian

blind." "

That s good,"

here in

**WeVe

more that

I said.

"We never have any excitement

New York." fixin'

to," said

Kent. "This could get even

exciting than the time in L.A.

enormous

when you generated

toxic gas expulsion inside the tobacco hu-

midor."

"You sure that was me?"

There was not even a nuance of a cab anywhere along Mott

Street.

We

the block and

I

walked

in a light rain a little farther

up

again reflected on the Kris Kristofferson

"walking contradiction" that was Kent Perkins.

Under a

macho, Texas, barnyard humoresque facade there stood an extremely intelligent, deeply sensitive American with a sense of loyalty and dedication that were becoming increasingly harder to find in the country of his birth.

he

set out to do,

What

he almost always accompUshed. At that

157

KINKY FRIEDMAN moment

I

came

close to feeling a twinge of

whoever was standing wheels of the

Bimini Corporation.

"when we

number, don't expect

suite

for

in the well-polished, wing-tipped

CEO of the

"By the way," said Kent,

and

sympathy

it

to

get to this address

be the actual

office

suite of the Bimini Corporation."

"Long

as its not a

window with

a pig in

it,

I'd call

it

progress." "All

Fm

saying

is

that if they're capable

big enough and bad enough to

Mouse whisker of sending you they're also smart

enough not

to

to have their actual head-

quarters at the address we're headed find a cab.

C'mon, Kink,

taxicabs in

New York?"

tell

enough and

come within a Mickey Tomorrow Land forever, to.

That

me the truth.

is if

"Yes, Virginia, there are. They've just never

man from Los

we

Are there

ever

really

heard of a

Angeles walking and they're enjoying the

novelty of it."

We continued walking dovm the winding end of Mott Street,

then turned around and retraced our steps back up

toward Canal. Looking for a cab can sometimes be a zen, not to say tedious, experience. If you look too hard in too

many places

you'll

never find one.

It's

often better to go to

the place where you started and just wait. "There's one thing we've got in our favor," said Perkins, as the two of us stood under a metal awning outside the place

where the pig was hanging.

**We're both Jewish?"

"Afraid not. Kink.

The

Spoiler's

never seen a knife."

"You could always borrow the one

158

in

my back,"

I

said.

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE as

I

new cigar,

cut the butt off a

only vaguely aware of the

Freudian implications of my actions. ''What

Fm

saying," said Kent, in that

being suddenly serious,

"is

portunity to work with and

At the very

least,

that

we

we have

a

way he had of window of op-

should take advantage of it.

these guys beUeve that Ratso

dead, be-

is

cause they're under the impression they killed him themthey already

selves. If they're really clever,

know they

got

the wrong guy and that Ratso s been arrested for the murder. Either way,

now, and that

they should be off their guard for a while

may be

all

the

window we need

to get the

drop on them."

cigar,

and, as

I

happened rather quickly

I lit

the

looked up, saw a guy getting out of a

taxi

After that, things

just across the street.

"There s a cab,"

ward

it

like

I

shouted, and both of us

moved

to-

we'd been shot out of a circus cannon.

About half a nanosecond

later the circus

turned a volley in our direction, right

at the

cannon

re-

empty spot

where the two of us had been standing under the awning.

I

turned around and saw a squid splinter into a miUion pieces, the pig suddenly spinning like a dreidel,

window shattering

and the

into shiny icicles of glass.

Perkins had a gun out and was crouching behind a

parked car scouring the

tuary of a pay-phone booth with a

top of

dead rant,

ued

it.

pig.

found the narrow sanc-

street. I'd

little

Chinese pagoda on

For a moment time seemed to hang there Hke a

Then people began pouring out of

the restau-

where, amazingly, no one had been hurt. Cars continto drive slowly

by

in the rain.

159

The

rain

continued to

KINKY FRIEDMAN fall

on the sidewalk. The sidewalk

whore

that

it

lay there like the old

was, resplendent in the rain with bright

shards of broken glass reflecting off

it

like

costume jew-

elry.

"So

much

for

our window of opportunity,"

160

I said.

CHAPTER

?^

"Well, fuck me naked runnin* backwards on a tractor," said

Kent Perkins,

window of the

"Fm

as

he glared angrily out the

taxi.

just happy,"

I

out of Chinatown

said, "to get

without an acupuncture treatment." "It

doesn't change

means we'd better be

anything,"

said

Kent.

"It

just

careful as a pair of porcupine pick-

ers with the palsy."

Kent had taken the cabdriver through a sharp, unexpected turns, U-turns,

and

past twenty minutes and, as far as

possible pursuer in the

who was

still

I

series of

figure eights for the

was concerned, any

with us was welcome to hop

cab and go along for the

ride.

That included

my

stomach. I

was moderately impressed with Perkins's diversion-

KINKY FRIEDMAN ary tactics, especially considering that the only person in

New

York

who appeared

to

know

the city less well than

Kent Perkins was our Cambodian cabdriver. Of course, getting lost in a city dehberately looks. Lots of

people get

is

not always as easy as

of

lost in lots

cities

it

every day of

the year, but, hke belching or farting, only a chosen few

can do It

on command.

it

was a funny old world,

I

thought, as

leaning over the front seat to help the

the

mean

streets of

by any reckoning, little

I

watched Kent

Cambodian

navigate

New York. The big, friendly Texan was,

at least

three times the size of the tiny

Cambodian, yet the Cambodian had probably seen

ten times the amount of shit in his ring to horseshit or

cow

shit

life

but to

and

human

I

wasn't refer-

which

misery,

often takes a lot longer to scrape off your boots.

A

short while later,

midtown on Lex, we spotted the

building that the Bimini Corporation, whatever or who-

ever that was, had given as the address for

Kent told the driver

to

go past

it

its

home

office.

and drive around the

block.

^What do you suppose the Bimini Corporation ally

does?"

I

said.

"Other than shoot out windows

in

actu-

China-

town."

"We're about to find out," said Kent, as he signaled the driver to pull over a good city block away from the building.

As Kent Perkins strode purposefully up the

ward the address

in question, the cabdriver,

come from western Cambodia, turned on station.

I

street to-

who

must've

a country-music

immediately heard Garth Brooks. The

162

anti-

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Hank.

my

puffed on

I

and

cigar

half-listened to

Garth

Brooks the way everybody does to country music these days and

of the

mourned the passing of the undecaffeinated era and sixties. I missed Hank Williams and

fifties

Johnny Horton, who both died young,

tragic, perfectly-

timed country-music deaths, and who'd both,

been married

incidentally,

to Billie Jean Horton. Captain Midnite, a

legend himself in Nashville, always contended that

Billie

Jean had been some sort of a witch and that she'd killed

Hank Williams and Johnny Horton and

stunted Faron

Young s growth.

My growth, unfortunately, was being stunted as well. My growth was being stunted by Ratso. When Fd first told him rd help him

find his real

my

the project becoming

life's

mother

I

hadn't envisaged

Now the

work.

search had

grown not only tedious but dangerous. Jack Bramson was dead, Ratso was in the sneezer, and whoever wanted to

wax

me

in Florida

was

still

trying to

poUsh

me

off in

New

York.

Nevertheless,

Though he

didn't

I still

had confidence

a

all

through the West.

way with people. He was the I

Kent Perkins.

know New York very well, he'd had great

success with this line of work

And

in

quintessential

He had

good cop.

trusted his instinct that getting to the bottom of the

Bimini Corporation might be the fastest way to find out

what had happened

Moments

to

later,

Mary Goodman.

Perkins

came back

leaned his large head in the window.

The

to the cab

and

look on his face

was not encouraging. "It's

just a small mail drop,"

163

he

said. "Just

rows and

KINKY FRIEDMAN rows of boxes and a three-hundred-pound black charge

whos mean

woman in

as a snake."

"Doesn't look too promising." "Just give

me

a while.

Remember, I'm very good with

people."

"You're not doing too well with me."

me

"Look, give

home and

a couple of hours. Just take the cab

you

call

I'll

at

your place. Don't you have some-

thing to do around the house?

Vacuum

the den or some-

thing?" "I don't

have a den and the only vacuum

experiencing

is

I

seem

to

be

the continued absence of information

about the Bimini Corporation." "You'll

soon know more than you ever wanted

"Fine. If

I

never hear from you again,

I'll

to."

assume

you're either dead or you're just a California friend doesn't always get back in touch "I'll call "I'll

you

in

when he

says

he

who

will."

two hours."

change the cat

litter."

Perkins was better than his word. I'd been back at the loft

only a Uttle over an hour

a creature of narrow habit,

I

when

the telephone rang. As

answered the blower on the

left.

"Bimini Corporation,"

"Not according

^Whatever

in the

around here, "Okay,"

"The

my

said.

information," said Perkins.

blue-eyed buck-naked hell

at least I

to

I

now we know where

goin'

is

to find

on

it."

said. "Spit it."

real office of the

Bimini Corporation

is

over on

the West Side. I've got the address and I'm headed there

164

1

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE now.

we

Vm just going to look it over. Vm not going in.

I

think

should do that tonight. Late tonight."

"How'd you

get the address?"

"You wouldn't believe

Got

to go.

m

call

me

So

told you. There's a cab.

lot for

me to do except change

you back."

There wasn't a hell of a the cat

if I

litter.

I

did.

165

CHAPTER

n It

was gethng dark and

from Kent Perkins. loft,

smoking a

I

cigar,

still hadn't

heard again

window of the

drinking a cup of black coffee, and

watching the night creep tried to

I

stood at the kitchen

way

its

across

Vandam

Hamburger s

office,

Cooperman, Ratso

in

jail,

and Michael

Simmons. Fd gone 0-for-four Hamburger was

Cooperman was take the

call,

out, Ratso

was

in,

swered the phone. said:

If

I

asked

gone,

of course, but couldn't

if

she had a

woman who'd

an-

number for him and

"Let your fingers do the walking."

Kent and

I

couldn't get

the Bimini Corporation, I

still

and Simmons was "no longer staying here"

according to the rather testy young

she

Fd

Street.

make myself useful that afternoon by calling Moie

could coax

McGovem

about Ratso's search for

I

somewhere with the

had damn few

trail

of

cards left to play.

into doing a piece for the paper his

mother, but what they used to

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE human

call

days.

peoples interest these

interest didn't hold

could

I

call

Kaplan, and see

a lawyer friend of mine in California, Phil if

he had any hot ideas about finding

Hamburger, but getting a lawyer to find a lawyer might get complicated.

could wear a sandwich board advertising

I

Mary Goodman and walk around the

for

people would probably think could

call

Mormon Or

I

Village but

was performance

it

most art.

I

the local temples and synagogues posing as a

missionary. That might bring interesting results.

could simply deal myself out, which, as the night and

the light and the half-light grew darker

came very

still, I

close to doing.

The same up

case that had

in Florida a scant

seemed

to

be

all

but wrapped

few days ago now appeared to be

cracking and falling apart like the sidewalks of

mood

In a

of near-desperation,

I

sat

down

New York.

at

the desk,

picked up the blower, and called Phil Kaplan, the lawyer in California.

&

"Argue, Pearson, Harbison, the receptionist with

whom

I

Myers," said Margo,

often chatted while waiting

for Phil.

"Any law firm bad,"

I

that begins with

"Kinky!" she said enthusiastically. the

name Kinky and some

didn't,

kinky or not didn't seem to have a just

Argue

can't

be

all

said.

Some women hked

and whether they were lot to

do with

it.

hked the name Kinky. We'd never met and

Margo

that

was

probably a good thing.

When

Phil

came on the

line

Moie Hamburger was and why

I

I

explained briefly what a

wanted

sounded surprisingly optimistic about 167

to find one. Phil

things. All

people

in

KINKY FRIEDMAN California

sound surprisingly optimistic about

"There's

Hubble.

It s

book,"

a

said

a directory of lawyers

things.

Martindale-

"called

Phil,

and

gives informa-

it

tion that might very well help us find this guy." "I

know he

**We'll find

All

"IVe met him once."

exists," I said.

him," said Phil, growing more confident.

people in California grow more confident the longer

why most Americans keep

they talk to you. Thats

West Coast

calls

Phil said he'd check

me tomorrow.

I

their

rather brief.

him

told

it

out that night and get back to

fine

"May all your juries be

and thanked him.

well hung,"

I said,

as

the blower and took a fresh cigar out of Sherlock

I

cradled

Holmes s

head.

"You know,"

I

said to the cat,

Kent would pursue the fresher plate rather than try to find a

trail

"it

of

makes sense last

woman who

week s

that

license

hasn't bothered

to see her son in forty-seven years. Either she's

dead or she

doesn't give a damn."

The cat sat on the desk and looked at me. "Of course that could apply to a lot of people we haven't heard from." I

struck a kitchen

slowly, holding

it

match and

lit

the cigar, rotating

it

ever so slightly above the level of the

flame, and watching two bright candles in the eyes of the cat as they

burned away another moment of the obsidian

night. I'd just

taken a puff when the phones rang.

and collared the blower on the It

was Kent Perkins, and he wanted

at a httle coffee

shop

at

I

exhaled

left.

me

to

meet him

midnight somewhere in Hell's

168

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Kitchen.

He

fishing pole, "Is this said. "I

need

also

wanted

me

to bring a long pole, like a

and to wear a cowboy

hat.

a scavenger hunt or a fishing expedition?* to

know how to

I

dress."

"Kink, we're going into a private underground parking garage. There's an infrared light gate.

IVe got a

lot to

beam

controlling the

do between now and midnight.

wear your hat and bring about a

six-foot pole of

Just

some

kind."

"Have you thought of using the Spoiler?"

And by the

"That s only for big hook-and-ladder jobs. way, this

dad

is

sort of a fishing expedition.

in Texas "

*Don't

used to tell

tell

where the big

me when I was a kid?" "My dad

fish swim.'

on hanging around

Hell's

said:

*

Always

"

"We'd better catch a big one

Huck Finn

my

Mom Tm hosin' the baby-sitter' ?"

"Kink," said Kent chidingly fish

You know what

fast," I said. "I don't

Kitchen

drag."

169

all

night in

plan

my Hebrew

CHAPTER

??

The closest I could come to a pole

in

the loft was an

old hockey stick that Ranger goalie John Davidson had

me back in some early ice age. I took that along with my cowboy hat, five cigars, and a small flashlight, and by

given

eleven-thirty

I

was pouring a

stiff

shot of Jameson for the

road into the old bullhorn. "Don't worry about me,"

prepared

if

anybody

tries to

I

said to the cat.

come

at

me

"Fm

totally

with a hockey

puck." I

killed the shot.

I left

It

the cat in charge.

was a

cold, clear night

Hells Kitchen,

colder and clearer as well. sion, his to,

of

all

and

in the

my mind seemed Was

to

hack on

my way to

be becoming rather

Ratso's

supposed confes-

unusual behavior, and his strange request to speak the legions of lawyers in this world,

Moie Ham-

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE burger, merely the result of remorse at the death of his friend

Dr.

Bramson? Or was there yet more

Watson had not revealed It

that trusty old

to his lonely friend Sherlock?

was true that Kent Perkins was a big boy,

ways than one, but what was

I

him

getting

in

more

into here? If he

weren't as smart as he was he could Ve passed for a nearperfect

good or boy and the wingspan of good oY boys

too long in the

Was

city.

uation in which his tally

life

fair for

it

was

me to place him

clearly at risk

isn't

in a sit-

and he was

to-

Was it fair for me to put myself in What would Ruth Buzzi or the cat say if

out of his depth?

such a position?

they heard about the Chinatown incident?

By the time my hockey

and

stick

I

had gotten out of

the cab I'd decided that after tonight Kent and

I

should

game with the What was re-

not continue this deadly cat-and-mouse

dark operatives of the Bimini Corporation.

quired was a more comprehensive understanding of what

was going on behind the scenes. Tedious

needed

to talk further with Ratso,

cult, since his

bargo on

coordinate things,

if

I

also

it

needed

now to

column

next moves,

in the Daily I

thought, as

on the comer, but

first I

diffi-

communicate and

Cooperman, and

possible, with

lastly,

McGov-

News. These were definitely I

walked to the

owed

anything, he'd been able to turn

it

to

up

I

slapped an em-

bring the whole thing out into the open through a

em

was,

which might prove

lawyer had apparently

all visitors.

as

httle coffee

Kent

my

shop

to see what, if

tonight.

There were several shadowy figures

loitering

around

and there was something that looked very much Uke duck vomit on the floor near the doorway, but otherwise,

appeared to be

Hell's

Kitchen's

171

version

it

of a clean,

KINKY FRIEDMAN There was no maitre d\ of course, but

well-lighted place. if

the customer you were looking for was Kent Perkins,

there was never any problem picking him out in a crowd.

On

this occasion

else

was

was even

it

easier, since

almost nobody

in the place.

**Well,"

I

once

said,

stowed the hockey

stick

I'd

ordered some coffee and

under the

table,

"Fm

glad to see

neither of us has joined a fundamentalist religious cult yet."

came about

*"We in

you can get

as close as

this

afternoon

Chinatown."

"No

shit."

"Let

me

you what

tell

evenings entertainment.

I

have planned for

I

think you'll find

it

this

enormously

exciting."

"As

my

friend John McCall always says:

could just bring

*

Maybe you

me some back on a piece of dry toast.'

"

Perkins laughed rather loudly. I've always believed that people

very happy.

who laugh loudly in restaurants are usually not Of course, that may only apply to crowded, up-

scale restaurants.

On

the other hand, Perkins could've

merely been nervous. There was also the very shght possibility that

he found

my remarks humorous.

"Speaking of dry

toast,"

he

said, "don't

order a ham-

burger here." I

got out a cigar and began going through

ignition protocol in an effort to settle

a httle shaken,

I

we

my nerves. I was

prestill

suppose, about the spinning-pig experi-

ence that afternoon. if

my

I

had a lingering idea

in

my head that

weren't very careful, the next two spinning pigs were

going to be

me and Kent

Perkins.

172

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "Look,"

said,

I

with some intensity,

"I

want to know

how and why

we're breaking into this underground garage

tonight." If

was destined

I

entided to

least

know the

be a spinning

to

reasons behind

"First of all," said Perkins, as if

pig,

I

was

at

it.

he were talking to a

small child, "we're not breaking into the underground garage.

WeVe

beam that will permit And here s why we're doing it."

breaking a light

enter the garage.

He slipped

slipped an envelope across the table to

us to

me and

my butt-cutter out of my pocket, and, while I my cigar, observed that the envelope was

cumcised

dressed to the Bimini Corporation.

I

I

cir-

ad-

extracted a piece of

paper from inside the envelope concomitantly with taking the phlegm-colored Bic lighter that had been in the family

about forty-eight hours out of my no-hunting cigar

and looked

"This document

came

mini s

me

suite,

to reach

bit

lit

the

my possession," said Kent, my Swiss Army knife. There

into

"with the help of the fork on

was a good

vest. I

at the note.

of mail building up under the door of Bi-

was the only piece close enough

but

this

and

pull out without having to

remain

for

in the

hallway so long that I'd have to start paying rent."

The note, which, judging from the date, was already a week old, was simply a notice to Bimini to move the black Lincoln-Continental from parking space

A12

or else

it

would be towed.

"The it if

car's still there," said Perkins.

"You can

just see

you stand close against the building and look

in the

driveway mirror." "Obviously, no one's been in the offices for a while." "Well, they

may come

in

173

once a week. They may

KINKY FRIEDMAN never

come back.

half an hour ago.

we know is that the car was still there And if there s two things Vm good at it s All

people and cars."

two things I'm good

"If there's

at

it's

cats

and

cigars.

common ground." some common ground,"

But I'm sure we can find some have

already

**We

Perkins rather severely.

broad daylight

this

"Somebody

tried to

afternoon in Chinatown.

tells

me

And

it

is

that kind of ruthless desperation tactic

we're on the right

body sure

in

We don't know

who's behind the Bimini Corporation, but whoever sure knows us.

said

whack us

as hell doesn't

trail. It

also

means

that

some-

want your friend Ratso to find

his

mother." "Well, thoughtfully.

I'll

be damned,"

"Maybe Ratso

man Egg Noodle

I

really

said, is

puffing the cigar

an heir to the Good-

fortune."

174

I

CHAPTER

H It's

not difficult for an underground parking garage

to look fairly evil at midnight, try too hard. It

and

this

one

didn't

have to

was a down-curving driveway with an iron

gate that led beneath the cynical sidewalks of Manhattan

and, for

all

anybody knew, could Ve been the

So could a

hell.

lot

first circle

of

of other things in Manhattan. At Kents

instructions, I leaned close against the building and, sure

enough, there was the black Lincoln, luxuriating in stubbornness an abortion

The this hour,

like a particularly

its

own

pious protester in front of

clinic.

streets

and

I

and sidewalks were anything but empty asked Perkins

if

at

he didn't think we ought

to wait awhile, like until the year 2013. "I'm not worried

about being seen," he

"You did what?" stick.

said. "I've I

said,

already called the poHce."

almost dropping

my

hockey

KINKY FRIEDMAN them

"I told

the ones

was with Westside

I

who handle

Security. They're

this carpark. I said

we'd be working

on the system on and off tonight. That s

just a precaution

in case

we

set off the

alarm instead of opening the gate."

"You think the police believed

"Why

not?

I

told

you

I

it?"

was good with people.

the three-hundred-pound black lady

me

drop to give

down

work

at

a

it

little.

Told her

brought her a sweet-potato

got to do

is

it

how much pie.

this

damn

"Too bad there

I

Of course,

I

I

had

appreciated the

Then she gave me

was the address of this

open

at the mail

was working. Even went out and

long, hard hours she

form and on

got

the form for the Bimini Corporation so

could add additional mailing instructions. to

I

isn't

place.

the

Now all we've

gate."

a night

watchman. You could

bring him a strawberry parfait."

"One thing you've Kent, as he hunkered

got to love about

down

his large

the driveway in front of the gate.

damn about

form

New

York," said

in the

"Nobody

middle of

sees or gives a

anything."

"You'd better hope that applies also to whoever's be-

hind the Bimini Corporation." "All signs point to

them wanting

from here. I'm beginning to suspect

"Would you care little

to share

I

to stay the hell

away

know why."

your suspicions with your

Jewish brother?" If Perkins

moved from

heard me, he gave no indication.

side to side,

still

He

in the squatting position,

holding the bars at about kneecap level and peering intently into the darkness, his gaze shifting

176

from one side of

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE the underground

chamber

to the other.

I

Ut a fresh cigar

and waited, puffing quiedy by the side of the building, and blowing the smoke

now and then in

young couples or

that very rare specimen, the joggerus

midnightus

them but

I

idioticus. It

did

manage

was getting

late in the

year for

to see a few.

**What do you plan to do?" all

the direction of happy

I

said at

last.

"Squat there

night like an ape at the zoo?"

more

Perkins did not look up. If anything, he stared

He

intently through the iron bars.

up, in

my general direction.

"Hockey stick," he I

held his arm out, palm

said.

handed him the hockey

stick.

"Cowboy hat," he said. I handed him the cowboy hat, which he placed on top of the large end of the hockey stick so that

moved along the ground, which gave

it

could be

the thing a rather un-

canny resemblance to one of Cecil Hausenflucks

little

children.

"Dr. Perkins,"

I

said, "are

you sure that amputating

the patient at the neck was the appropriate surgical proce-

dure?" Perkins did not respond but continued marching the ridiculous Finally,

little

mechanism

extending his arms

closer to the infrared

fully inside

the bars of the gate,

he found himself just out of reach of the "Six

beam.

light

beam.

more inches and you would Ve been

king,"

I

said.

"Horseshit and wild honey!" said Kent Perkins rather

vehemently "One of us

cowboy

is

going to have to Frisbee the

hat."

177

KINKY FRIEDMAN "That'd be your department,"

*TouVe from

said.

I

California."

*Tou understand what s hat and miss the Ught beam,

open

at risk, don't

we

you?

If I toss the

not only don't get the gate

but, also, you'll probably never see that hat again." "I'd hate to see

it

flattened

by a Mustang. Or stomped

by a Cherokee."

"Or rear-ended by a Probe," it

"People don't

"They go "So

and

sell

said Kent.

"Maybe some

mow his lawn in Connecticut." mow lawns in Connecticut," I said.

executive will wear

to

to golf courses."

he'll it

wear

for a

it

to the golf course,

few bucks

at a

then get tired of it

garage sale."

"People don't have garage sales in Connecticut," said.

"He'd probably give

it

to the Salvation

Army

I

or the

Hadassah Thrift Shop, depending, of course, on the particular nature of his

deep

religious affiliations."

"Then some Puerto Rican pimp said Perkins, "and gives

it

to a

picks

it

up cheap,"

redheaded whore with a

gold tooth in Spanish Harlem."

**Who wears a peach-colored dress."

"And who throws

it

in along with a

fuck to an executive from Connecticut,

underground garage and "It's

it

gets flattened

a reasonable scenario,"

"Let's hit

And he

it

the

first

I

Japanese basket-

who

loses

it

in this

by a Mustang."

said.

time," said Perkins.

Frisbeed the cowboy hat.

For a second or two there was

silence as the hat sailed

across time and geography as fatefuUy as Columbus sailing

178

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Then we heard an almost medieval clankColumbus was

a wishing well.

ing sound. Either the gate was opening or

dying in chains. Neither event would Ve raised an eyebrow in

New York. **We'll

be inside that Lincoln quicker than a minnow

can swim a dipper," said Perkins.

The

next thing

I

knew, he was fooling around with the

lock on the passenger-side door of the Lincoln, hustling

my ass down the

By the time Fd found put

it

on

my

drive to look for

checked

it,

it

and

was

I

my cowboy hat.

out for grease stains,

head, and walked over to Kent, he had the

door open.

^What took you so long?' "Sorry, Kink.

felony and

wanted

I

Perkins

made

I said.

been a while since

It's

to

be sure

I

committed a

I've

didn't scratch the finish."

a quick check inside the car; then his

big blond head disappeared under the darkness of the

dashboard.

I

made

found no one

a quick check around the garage and

stirring;

then

my

kinky

little

head disap-

peared in a blue cloud of protective cigar smoke. All

wanted

life I'd

em. ing

I I

to have a big

head

like

Perkins or

my

McGov-

had a chronic case of head envy and there was noth-

could do about

hockey

stick

it

but walk around the garage with

and look out

my

for cops or robbers or the boys

from the Bimini Corporation, who didn't give a damn what size

head

ders and

I

had

move

as long as they

it

could take

it

off

my

shoul-

to the suburbs.

While Perkins was messing around under the dashboard either hot-wiring the car or looking for used gum, jotted

down

the Hcense

number of 179

I

the Lincoln and any

KINKY FRIEDMAN other sticker or decal numbers

good

to

make

yourself useful.

was

I

notebook away when the engine

"Hop

in," said

could

I

always

find. Its

my

just putting

little

started.

Kent. "Lets go egg

Mary Goodman's

house." "If we

knew where

it

was,"

I

said.

Kent opened the glove compartment, removed some papers inside, glanced briefly

at

them, and put them inside

his coat pocket.

"Might make for some good

he

light

summer

reading,"

said.

"rll wait for the

movie."

Then Kent reached back

into the glove

compartment

and pushed a button and the trunk of the car began

open slowly upward,

like

the

lid

of a crypt. Since

I

smelled anything in over fifteen years, Kent was the realize that

something was

rotten in the state of

know what s

he

"I don't

in there,"

said,

to

hadn't first

to

Denmark.

"but

it'd stink

a buzzard off a gut wagon."

We

both walked with somewhat measured tread to

the back of the car and peered into the trunk. face of death

was smiling up

representative.

We

The bloated

at us like a friendly

Amway

weren't going to need to refer to a

Martindale-Hubble directory anymore.

We'd found Moie Hamburger.

180

CHAPTER

J9

COOPERMAN WAS NOT HAPPY TO SEE THE HOCKEY the

stifF in

the trunk. He'd seen a lot of

stiffs

STICK OR

in a lot of

trunks in his time, and he didn't appear to appreciate

my

thoughtfulness in getting in touch with him about seeing

one more. Fd been under the mistaken impression that this one, just possibly,

to

might lend some

slight

confirmation

my contention that somebody was indeed out there who

wished very

much

for Ratso not to find his birth

also took the opportunity to

jaundiced ear with

upon Kent and

my

mother

I

bend Cooperman's somewhat

account of the Chinatown attack

myself, as well as to reiterate

my

close en-

counter with the krautmobile in Miami.

Not only had Cooperman and Fox taken the

call,

which was out of their precinct, rather grudgingly, they did not

seem

to feel that the rather ignominious

of this lawyer's hfe

made

it

any

adjournment

less plausible that

Ratso

KINKY FRIEDMAN had

Bramson. While Kents engaging, Rock-

killed Jack

ford-like appeal did

man,

it

change

appear to chip a

was mildly reassuring to see

me

that

ice off

some

that

my own

Cooper-

things never

funny old world. The coplike

in this

eyes told

little

glint in his

rapport with the vaunted detec-

tive-sergeant was about the

same

suddenly en-

as if he'd

countered Spinoza stumbling through the Bowery.

"Two fucking cowboys," he

said, after briefly survey-

ing the garage and the Lincoln.

"And one hockey stick,"

said

"This was the lawyer,"

I

open

"whose father made

trunk,

Fox brighdy

said, gesturing all

toward the

the arrangements for

Hes also the one Ratso tried to call from house when he was first arrested. Unless, of

Ratso s adoption. the precinct

course, in his state of extreme remorse and depression, he

mumbUng

was merely

the person he

the name of the dead man s father, may have blamed for originally setting all his

problems into motion." "This certainly explains

him back,"

said

he stared down

why

the lawyer never called

Cooperman, chuckling dryly at

to himself as

the grotesque vision before us.

"You'd have thought," said Fox, as he stepped out of the shadows, "that he'd at least have had the courtesy to

make

a trunk call."

Kent Perkins looked on wide-eyed, making an awk-

ward

effort at a smile.

I

didn't

Cooperman ther.

When

didn't really

seem

even

my

asking a few questions about

left

to.

stick,

he and it

ei-

showed up, Cooper-

and the new guys

Ratso and didn't want

Other than Fox

to have their hearts in

the local precinct dicks

man and Fox

try.

hockey

didn't

know about

After a cursory interview or two,

182

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Kent and

I

were allowed

didn't waste

to

bug out

dugout and we

for the

any time getting out of those catacombs.

once we'd gotten into the cab.

"Shit," said Kent,

forgot to give the cops those papers from the glove

"I

com-

partment." "That's the best

news

I've

heard

go over to Sarge's Deli and do a

all

day,"

I

said. "Let's

cramming

little

for the

fi-

nal exam."

It

was

after three

by the time we got

second wind seemed to be blowing

in

to Sarge's, but a

from someplace and

you could see the pages of the newspapers sidewalk as

if

but

it

on the

they were being turned by invisible hands.

Third Avenue was pretty empty of Sarge's,

riffling

was

still

traffic

and so was

three forty-five before

my pastrami

sandwich came in for a belly landing on table number 47.

"My said,

father's

theory about restaurants applies here,"

I

checking the hockey stick under the table.

"What'd he say? Stay out of Sarge's?" "No, Sarge's

is

time to think. Plus, this

okay. it's

hour of the night."

The food

good and

is

it

gives

you

a good place to see and be seen at I

looked up

at the

diminished pa-

rade of customers drifting close by our table hke termagant ghosts. Kent nodded briefly and continued eating his bagel.

"What's your father's theory?" he ^'Well,

Tom's restaurant theory was

in Austin, Texas, It's

said.

really very simple.

His theory

tomers, the slower the service.' "I'd hate to

first

propounded

but certainly has universal applications. is:

be the only people 183

The

fewer the cus-

"

in the place," said

KINKY FRIEDMAN Kent, as he removed the papers from the glove compart-

ment of the Lincoln and

them down next

laid

to a large

complimentary bowl of pickles.

"Do you

think there's anything here?"

ing at the documents with

"Any paper

trail

we can

going to be

"It's

was punched

my

I

said, gestur-

lips like a native

of Borneo.

follow?"

difficult,"

he

"The

said.

ignition lock

out."

"So?"

"So

it

means the car was almost

"Terrific," I said.

crap,

and gas receipts

certainly stolen."

"So these papers and maps. Triple all

belong to some

little

old lady

A

who

only went out to bingo games."

"Fm

afraid so," said Kent, "but this towing

receipt for fixing a

flat tire

company

appears to be more recent than

the dates on the gas receipts. This might be what we're looking cles,

Remember

for.

which

Professor

I

Perkins's

propounded

in

Theory of Stolen Vehi-

Los Angeles about the time

Friedman was propounding

his

Theory of

Restaurant Service."

"Which

is?" I said,

with an almost Gandhi-like effort

at patience.

'"When you

steal a car

"To that theory,"

I

you don't check

said, "I'd

for a spare."

hke to add a possible

corollary."

"Which

is?" said Perkins.

"You also don't check for a spare," that

it's

I

said, "if you

know

covered by a rapidly decomposing Hamburger."

184

CHAPTER

?6

Beaver

& Son Towing Service was a twenty-four-hour

operation. So

were we.

It

and when we got there

it

was about a ten-minute cab looked

like the

had towed everything away but a temporary

office set

larger buildings.

"Do you stayed out

all

up

lot

in a trailer

ride,

towing company

of fence and a small

wedged between two

There was a hght burning

in the trailer.

think Ruths going to be angry that you Ve night?"

I

said, as

we

got out of the cab.

"Yes," said Kent.

"You did

call

her?"

"Of course. Shes very understanding, but she gets very angry.

also

She s the worlds only angry, understand-

ing wife." "That's

why I have

a cat."

As we walked up the trailer,

little

alleyway that led to the

blocked out on both sides by big buildings under a

KINKY FRIEDMAN Manhattan sky that had never held a harvest moon, with the towing receipt in the inside pocket of thought, not for the silver

thread of

first

spit,

time,

by a

had

to

coat, I

of hfe hangs by a

fragile black chain

across a country pond. This I

how much

my

of frog eggs

be the end of the road,

figured. If this lead didn't pan,

to the cops

I

could send

all

the documents

and maybe they'd find the old lady

in

time to

get the car back to her before the next bingo game.

The

cops weren't interested in the Bimini Corporation, and there was no help.

way we were going

There was no one

go

else to

to crack to.

and George Smiley was probably

bait

lichen-stained park

to pry anything out of

Moie Hamburger had little

the glove compartment of the Lincoln. to die in,

I

on some

sitting

Whatever chance there'd

peared when Kent Perkins pushed the

good car

without their

bench feeding sparrows somewhere

across the old herring pond.

been

it

EHot Ness was worm

thought.

I

A

disap-

button inside

Lincoln was a

remembered with

a fleeting

smile something the great French author and philosopher

Jean Genet reportedly had once said as he was being driv-

en around Chicago on a long-ago speaking America," he'd commented, "would they

mobile

tour.

"Only

name an

in

auto-

"

'Galaxy.'

The

cold and rather grimy tendrils of

foisting themselves

my

upon

dawn were

bloodshot eyeballs Uke a

cedar branch rattling against an ancient, rusty windowscreen.

but

I

Maybe

seemed

to

place, that the

tant for us.

it's

only

some sense of cosmic

remember thinking,

little trailer,

We peered in

a

as

we

hindsight,

closed in on the

indeed, held something impor-

window and saw 186

a large, burly

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE guy facing away from

be a small

us, squatting

over what appeared to

radiator.

"Never squat with your spurs on,"

I

said to Perkins.

he showed any more butt cleavage," said Kent,

"If

"he'd have to join a union."

As we climbed the steps of a through the

trailer

yard, gleaming like a

the

Even when

city.

tiny porch,

we

could see

the tow truck parked in a scraggly back-

crown jewel

it

in the recycled light of

was standing

there was some-

still,

thing about the vehicle that gave you the notion of an on-

coming

train.

On

the side of the truck, in bright script,

We

read the emblem: Beaver ir Son Towing Service.

knocked on the door of the like a bottle rocket.

He

window and either he or

my cowboy hat

opened the

trailer,

liked

Kent s

eye out the

fish

big, friendly

Texas smile

or else he was a hockey fan, because he

door.

"You guys liked to scare the "Don't in the

and the guy jumped up

gave us a careful

tell

morning

shit

out of me," he

me," said Kent Perkins, "that in this

godforsaken city

I

said.

at five o'clock

recognize a Texas

accent?" "

Travis Beaver," said the guy, sticking out a big

hand

in Kent's direction. ^^Weatherford, Texas."

"Hell," said Kent, genuinely pleased,

"my name's

Kent Perkins. I'm from Azle, Texas. Kink, Azle and Weatherford are both just spittin' distance from Fort Worth.

and Travis might've played on opposing played "I

said

left

Me

football teams.

I

tackle for the Azle Hornets."

was

right

guard for the Weatherford Kangaroos,"

Beaver with growing excitement. "Sting the Kangaroos!" shouted Kent.

187

KINKY FRIEDMAN "Swat the Hornets!" shouted Beaver.

Then he suddenly put toward the back of the

a finger to his lips and gestured

trailer

peared to be lying on an army

where a small bundle ap-

cot.

Kent and

I

tiptoed over

and saw a tousle-headed, freckle-faced boy about ten years old,

sound

asleep.

"Beaver

&

Son," whispered Beaver proudly, as he

came over to join For

just a

us.

"Thats Travis Beaver,

moment

Jr."

the three of us watched the kid

He looked like one of Peter Pans Lost Boys, I thought. When you think of Peter Pan you're really thinksleep.

Mary

ing of

Martin.

I

thought of Mary Martin.

And

I

re-

membered something in a dollop of cosmic trailer insight. Mary Martin had come from Weatherford, Texas. I leaned on

my hockey stick for spiritual support.

Maybe, dear God,

Mary Martin had once been a cheerleader for the Weatherford Kangaroos. Maybe she'd once stood in a line with the other blond, young, small-town

cheerleader had

girls

"Ready?" and the

said:

and the head

girls

had

all

an-

swered together: ^'Ohh-kayT

For no reason except possibly the hour, an old countrymusic song popped into

my head:

Just a small-town girl

Then she

set the

'til

she learned to twirl

world on fire

Like a drive-in Cinderella In a

Chevy named desire

So leave your teddy hear at the county fair

Honey, Hollywood's on the phone

For a small-town

girl from

You're a long, long

a small-town world

way from home.

188

COD BLESS JOHN WAYNE must Ve taken a brief

I

suddenly

I

and

coffee

power nap, because

vertical

noticed that Perkins and Beaver were drinking

and

talking earnestly at a table

high-sticking

A

me

I

was

still

gawk-

wooden memento

ing at the kid with John Davidsons in the sternum.

short time later

I

cup of steaming coffee

was standing by the table with a

me

in front of

and Kent Perkins

smiling to beat the band. "Tell him, Travis," said Kent.

remember the guy you're

"I

looking

for," said

"Car was a black, late-model Lincoln with a said

he

paid

me

Had

didn't have a spare. for a

new tire.

"What'd he look holding

my

close to a

to

I

week

also

ago."

my coffee

drinking

said,

and he

tow him and he

This was about a

like?"

Beaver.

flat tire

and

breath and, in so doing, coming dangerously

Danny Thomas

coffee

spit.

"Big fellow with long black hair and a dark, bushy

Gave me two C-notes and

beard.

I

told

to see his drivers Ucense because

many

counterfeit C-notes.

goddamn

just take the

said okay

Now hockey

and showed I

was

stick.

tire

me

He

said

him

that

I

wanted

Fve been getting so

no and

I

back off the car

said then Til

and he

finally

his drivers license."

definitely balancing

on the edge of

Beaver was going for the hat

trick

my

and

I

wasn't about to try to check him. "It's

"but

I

kind of foggy in

know

driver's license

mind," Beaver continued,

but not from the

sounding place. Sounded a

"Maybe Ted Kennedy tow

my

the address wasn't in the city.

little bit like

finally got

truck," said Kent.

189

city.

A New

York

Kind of an IndianChappaquiddick."

around to

calling a

KINKY FRIEDMAN Beaver laughed.

was

at the

I

realized once again

game of painlessly

Beaver was

at a crucial

how good Kent

pulling things out of people.

point of breaking the case wide

open and Kent had him relaxed and

talking to us like old

friends.

**What was the

name on

the drivers license?* said

Kent. Travis Beaver set

on

his head,

down

and closed

that position long

looked

flies. I

looked

at Travis Beaver.

at

put his hand

his eyes to concentrate.

enough

of fruit

his coffee cup,

He

held

to germinate several generations

Kent. Kent looked at me.

Then,

still

We both

keeping his hand on his

head, Beaver opened his eyes.

"Donald Goodman," he right?"

190

said.

"Does

that

sound

CHAPTER

n There are about a million places in New York that have Indian names. The reason for this is that once were about a

zillion

state there

Indians living thereabouts until

they traded the island of Manhattan for twenty-four dollars

and a

New

string of beads, which, as

York recently can

attest,

visited

was probably the best deal

the Indians ever made. Every time

Tm

anyone who's

I

think of Indian

names

reminded of the legend of the young warrior who

came

to the chief to inquire if

If you Ve

he could change

his

name.

ever studied Indian lore you're no doubt famiUar

with the chief's sage reply: ^^Why do you ask,

Two Dogs

Fucking?"

Of course, when you narrow it down that

sound land of Uke Chappaquiddick,

to Indian

names

there's not all that

summer

much

to

resort

from which Richard Nixon resigned the presidency.

work

with. There's Chappaquitdick, the

KINKY FRIEDMAN There s Chappaquidproquo, the well-known watering hole for corporate attorneys.

There s the popular spot where aU

the tourists invariably flock, Chappanudnick. And, there's the little Indian village in

finally,

which the natives were

reported to have intermarried with an early group of

irri-

tated Italian immigrants, Chappamyass.

As

I sat

with

my feet up

on the desk the following

af-

name written down on now circled. Then I smiled like

ternoon, there was only one Indian

my Big Chief tablet.

This

I

a self-satisfied serial killer and Hfted Sherlocks porcelain

cap to take a fresh cigar out of his porcelain head. I

put the Big Chief tablet on the desk and got up and

walked over to the

Kathy

refrigerator, stopping long

bag from the

extract a

latest

enough

to

shipment of coffee beans that

De Palma had sent me from Maui. With the unht my mouth for general ballast, I went rapidly

cigar in

through a series of household percolating in

name on believed

my

activities,

mind, not the

least of

the Big Chief tablet and what it

many thoughts which was the represented.

it

I

to be, at least geographically speaking, the solu-

tion of the case. I

ground the coffee beans and fed them into the

Roman

espresso machine with the facile grace of a

throwing Christians to the chine to

move

puppet head on top of the poor Yorick,"

"Alas,

tion of late. few.

But

I

lions.

into overdrive,

The

I

visitors to

suspect,

I

As

I

soldier

waited for the ma-

smiled up

at

the

little

black

refrigerator. said,

"you Ve seen very httle ac-

our humble quarters have been

my dear friend,

that

all

of that

is

about

to change."

The

httle black

puppet head smiled back down

192

at

me.

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE It

was not the

own

Texas smile Kent Perkins often

mesmerize the populace. But

utilized to its

big, broad,

simple charm. Unwavering.

agenda. If

ebony face

it

No

No

hidden

stayed there forever gazing upon that httle

I it

would mean a

life

lived looking only at the

Greek mask of comedy, sheltered and

somebody had fed the

from sorrow,

safe

never knowing the tragic countenance of

I

was not without

guile.

But

this world.

to feed the cat.

cat.

Soon the smell of Hawaiian coffee fiUed the

loft

and

I

paced back and forth with the unht cigar while the cat ate the tuna and the pigeons shit on the windowsills and the

puppet head continued to smile warmly

upon which a picture of a

some former

tenant,

ballet

the far wall

at

dancer had been hung by

no doubt, who,

for

may

knew,

all I

have hung himself as well. That would go a long way

ward explaining some of the noticing in the

But

it'd

greenlighted

spiritual

to-

ambience Td been

loft.

been a good, purposeful

McGovem

day,

on the human

all

in

I'd

all.

interest piece

on

Ratso s personal quest for his long-lost birth mother. After

no small amount of cajoling Td convinced eight)'-six

McGovem

to

the bit about Ratso s current place of residence.

"We want

a big, splashy spread

earher that afternoon, "and

on

we need

it

this," I'd told

him

to run within the

next forty-eight hours." "That's

up

"Fuck the

to the editor,"

McGovem

had

said.

editor," I'd told him.

"My sentiments

precisely," he'd said.

After I'd gotten

McGovem cranked up and into oper-

ation,

Simmons had

also reported

193

from the

field.

He'd

KINKY FRIEDMAN been

number of times

to see Ratso a

him

gotten

mons

and, apparently, had

touch with a high-powered lawyer who Sim-

in

might possibly get him out on

felt

bail.

"Ratsos showing marked improvement," Simmons

had

said.

"If

ment,"

he vomited on your head

rd commented

Finally,

now

somewhere." that

be marked improve-

the time.

at

spoken to Stephanie, who'd expressed

I'd

growing interest especially

it'd

in

becoming a part of the mother hunt,

that, in

her words,

I'd also talked

"it

seems

be going

to

with Kent and we'd agreed

we'd have to swing into action soon. "There's a strange thing about dusty old investigations

like this one,"

cases.

who

Kent had

doesn't want

said.

"Remember,

there's usually

someone

them ever to be

solved."

That means

they're in the

open

all

shadows

know who that someone is. know where that someone is."

"This time," I'd said, "we

And

I'm pretty

into

When the coffee was ready, I drew a steaming cupful my old Imus in the Morning mug and took Imus's

mug, the

damn

coffee,

sure

I

and myself over to the desk.

the coffee and for a

moment through

Robert Louis Stevenson

sitting

pet head.

Her

took a sip of

the steam

saw

I

under a banyan tree with

Princess Kaiulani. Princess Kaiulani, the

Hawaii, did not have

I

much time

last

princess of

to gaze at a smiling

pup-

prince never came, she died tragically

young, living only long enough to see her kingdom tumble

down ways

all

around

her.

That

is

why good Hawaiian

coffee

tastes a little bitter, as well as a httle better than

al-

any

other in the world. I

took another sip or two and studied again the one

194

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Indian word on the Big Chief tablet.

paqua," an Indian

would sound state.

As

^o, rd I

it

like

name

The word was "Chap-

for a place in

New

York that

Chappaquiddick to someone from out of

happened,

I

knew

the place well.

Many moons

lived there myself.

struck a kitchen

match on the leg of

jeans and set fire to the cigar.

I

my

old blue

kept the tip of the cigar

ever so slighdy above the level of the flame and, as so, I

I

did

could almost feel the noose tightening ever so slightly

around Donald Goodman s neck.

195

CHAPTER

^6

Two MORNINGS LATER McGOVERN'S STORY HIT THE STREETS, and shortly Chappaqua. pick

after that

Kent Perkins and

dive near

Bells of Hell

them was the

where the

night

extraordinaire, at a

used to be. The

Bells of Hell

had been known

for

McGovem s

many

eyeball

head when some guy blindsided him the bar.

the road for

hit

We stopped only long enough in the Village to

up Mick Brennan, photographer

little

I

McGovem contends

and one of

things

popped out of his

as

he was

that the eyeball

sitting at

popped

right

out of his skuUhouse and hung there attached only to a cous, mucuslike connective tissue.

holding

of to

St.

it

in the

palm of his hand,

He

vis-

walked the eyeball,

to the

emergency room

Vincent s Hospital, where (of great spiritual import

McGovem)

Bessie Smith had died.

He

waited two

hours in the emergency room while doctors worked

furi-

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE ously on other matters like separating people who'd gotten

McGov-

stuck together hosing. Eventually, a nurse spotted

em

and the eyeball was popped back

larger even than

into his large head,

Kent Perkins s, and he was able

to return

to the Bells of Hell just in time for final call.

The story, of course, had almost no relevance to the journey we were embarking upon except possibly as a mute reminder to keep our eyes out for trouble. There'd never been much trouble in Chappaqua and most people there probably wouldn't have recognized

on a large black hippopotamus, but, out,

all

that

was getting ready

as

it

if it'd

ridden in

we would soon

find

to change.

Having picked up Brennan, who was sporting a camera and lens that

would Ve given the Spoiler a run

for

its

money, Kent aimed the rent-a-car down the Saw Mill

we headed out

River Parkway and bia.

day

for a quiet

Brennan and Perkins were about

in subur-

as different as

two

people could be, having virtually nothing in common, so

I

reasoned that they would get along well together and they did. This

was important because they were both

players in a stake.

drama

that could very well place

For finding Mary Goodman,

I

all

to

be key

our

lives at

was now

meant dealing with Donald Goodman, a man

I

certain,

beheved

had already dealt with Jack Bramson and Moie Hamburger and wouldVe already dealt with Kent and myself

had destiny not shuffled the cards if there's

one thing

count on

it

I

know about

at

the

destiny

last it is

minute.

And

you

can't

that

forever.

Over the past few out a plan that

days,

Kent and

we hoped would 197

I

had hammered

enable us to find Mary

KINKY FRIEDMAN Goodman and

who we

gather evidence against Donald,

beheved was either her son or her nephew and who obviously had a great deal to lose

Goodman

Mary. Finding the

if

Ratso got together with

estate

had

been the

actually

my friend Sal Lorello, who, as well as my road manager for many years, had also run

easy part. I'd called

having been

a limo service out of Chappaqua. Sal had driven everybody

who was anybody with

me had

in

fairly

Westchester after being on the road

well driven

him over the edge. Then

Cleve had taken over as road manager and, of course,

wound up tal.

Ratso,

in residence at the Pilgrim State

who'd accompanied

forays into crime solving,

NYPD. Good

help,

I

me on

Mental Hospi-

practically

all

of

my

was now a registered guest of the

reflected, as

Chappaqua, was hard to get these

we

pulled into sleepy

days.

As Willie Nelson

once told me: "You Ve got to be able to move on to the next big town without slashing your wrists."

"Hard

to

beUeve

we drove past the "Hard

to

I

lived here for

quaint

little

two

years,"

I

said, as

shops and houses.

beUeve you stayed the weekend, mate," said

Brennan. It

hadn't taken Sal Lorello long to call

rough, hopefully accurate, directions to

me

back with

Mary Goodman's

know anyone

estate. Sal

had never met Mary and

who

Word around town was that she was an exHoward Hughes-like semi-invalid, who

had.

didn't

tremely wealthy, spent a

never

lot

left

of time in her garden but otherwise almost

the sanctuary of the estate, which was, in

fact,

a

modem-day castle.

We

drove through Chappaqua and headed east on a

smaller road, then turned to the right on a

198

still

smaller

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE one. Kent stopped the car

on a

bluff

little

and studied the

landscape with a pair of binoculars.

"Did you bring along your bird book?"

said to

I

Brennan. "Jesus Christ," said like

an

Kent suddenly. "The place looks

Irish casde."

"That

it

does, mate," said Brennan, following along

through the camera

lens.

"Goodman, you know,

is

respected Irish family name." Brennan winked in

a well-

my

di-

rection.

"Just don't drive this rent-a-car into the moat," as Perkins

chicks

shooed Brennan and

me

I

said,

into the car like

baby

and roared off in the direction of the casde.

We

found a small copse of trees to the side of the

road that enabled us to see the main entrance and the front lawns of the place without being too conspicuous.

The

vision

was one of Xanadu-Uke opulence.

"Mick,"

I said,

"your job

is

to

work your way around

the perimeter and take unobtrusive National Enquirer-type shots.

I

but give

know you Ve never been unobtrusive in your life, it a try. The photos may be very helpful when we

come back

in a

few days to implement phase two of the

plan, the penetration of the castle."

"Which heavily

is

going to be a bitch," said Kent. "There's a

manned guardhouse and enough goons walking

around to protect the Pope. Lot of security for a lady in a garden, no matter

who

she

is.

little

Of course,

old

in this

land of operation, you'd never go in the main entrance." "What's this you've marked in yellow here, mate?"

asked Brennan, as he looked over Kent's eral vicinity.

199

map

of the gen-

KINKY FRIEDMAN "That's the

hospital," said

Icxial

"This land of operation,

where

its

Kent with a

always a good idea to

smile.

know just

it is."

"Bloody

terrific,

mate," said Brennan. But he was

al-

ready adjusting his lenses.

"You know, the one thing

Brennan was

this,"

saying, "is

"Hold the weddin',"

I

I

—don't understand about

why

said.

At that moment, out the front drive past the guard-

house came a long baby-blue Rolls-Royce driven by a burly

man

The man and

black beard.

through the

chill

the vehicle rolled inexorably

afternoon with the fluid ruthless motion

of a maestro walking onto the podium.

knew

that not even a brick wall

the same large, hairy roadkill as he'd

One

glance and you

would stop him. He was

mammal who'd

almost

left

stormed out of Moie Hamburger's

"Get him, Mick,"

I

me

for

office.

said.

Mick snapped away almost rapher.

big,

with long, disheveled black hair and a bushy

as fast as a fashion

photog-

But getting Donald Goodman on film and getting

him off-camera were two

distinctly

different

matters.

And

There's no such thing as innocent wealth,

I

on Goodman, wealth looked

A sudden sink-

ing feeling

came over me

positively evil.

as

I

thought.

realized the herculean na-

ture of our task.

"The cops man,"

I said.

that we'll ever

"As "

my

just aren't interested in

**With

all

his

Donald Good-

money and power I'm

not sure

be able to catch him by ourselves."

old dad in Texas used to

tell

me," said Kent, "

Justice rides a slow horse, but

200

it

always overtakes.'

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "That's well

and good,"

said Brennan. "But the old

nags never going to overtake that fuckwit

The blue Rolls-Royce sped up the sinister grace

the devil.

and

finality

I

Uttle

road with the

of a brushstroke on the canvas of

We crouched behind the rent-a-car and watched

Donald Goodman

ment

in the Rolls."

until

he was out of

sight.

In that

mo-

thought again of Cecil Hausenflucks words de-

scribing the

man who

door down. In

huffed and puffed and blew Ratso s

my mind

I

knew with

a certainty that this

was the same man. "Thats got to be him,"

I

said.

"Hes the Big Bad

Wolf." "If

he

era, "lets

is,

mate," said Brennan, setting

down

his

bloody well hope we're not the Three

Pigs."

201

camLittle

CHAPTER

?9

We left Mick Brennan and his camera hiding behind a elm tree with

large

instructions to circle slowly

and shoot anything

side of the place

that

moved.

"Don't get caught," said Kent. "If you do, you'll

be on your

set out

Fm

afraid

own.*'

"Have done most of my life, mate," he

around the

said Brennan,

and

through the woods.

*"We'll

pick you up in a few hours,"

I said,

but

I

wasn't

sure he heard me.

Kent and place,

I

drove the car around to the rear of the big

where Kent stopped and donned a dark blue

a cap that read: security.

he appeared

to

"How do

I

With

his overcoat

tie

and clipboard

be someone to be reckoned with. look?" he said, as he got out of the

"I'd hire you."

"You already did."

and

car.

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE We waited and watched for a while in the bushes that abutted a narrow driveway. Traffic here seemed busier than

size

it

much

had at the main entrance.

"The good news," said Kent, "is that a setup of this requires lots of coming and going by way of the serand almost

vants' entrance

certainly a heavy turnover of

make

personnel. That s going to

when we

easier for us

it

make our move." Kent paused

moment

for a

as

some kind of

cian s van pulled into the drive. As

did,

it

electri-

an old land-

scaper s pickup and a butcher s van were pulling out. "Jesus,"

I

said, "everybody's

here but Beaver

& Son."

up

"rll just join the party," said Kent, picking

board and striding confidently up the driveway. back in an hour or

"What am

I

and

curity

I

walked back to the

this place

fired

her up.

I

shouted after him.

said. car,

"Most of my

got

in,

My problem

I

looked

like

with loitering around like

Lazarus after the

my own and Fd just

life."

and took out a fresh

was that Kent Perkins looked

and

was on

the chief of se-

day Well,

fifth

have to deal with

it.

quite sure what Perkins's idea was, but he'd told

a good one and

I

beheved him. Then

I

estate

and began

cigar,

watched the

loitering I

to have

my doubts. Then

traffic

and daydreaming,

was gazing

lazily

me

I

all I

about

was

it.

was

at the

it

my

the ser-

came

to

definitely aces.

up through some palm

203

it

puffed on

When

I

wasn't

Goodman

come and go through

and forgot

I

looked up

seemingly impregnable walls and turrets of the

vants' entrance,

be

See what you can see."

"Have done, mate,"

cigar

"Fll

so."

supposed to do?"

"Just loiter around.

I

his clip-

trees

some-

KINKY FRIEDMAN where

South Seas when somebody rapped on

in the

window with the lowed

my

cigar.

Kent Perkins's

gun and

barrel of a

A moment sir,"

he

my

about swal-

just

my great reUef, my window. "Could you tell me how to

later, I

saw, to

big, smiling face filling

"Excuse me,

I

said.

up

get to the Statue of Liberty?"

"Sure,"

said.

I

"The

first

thing you do

is

get the hell

out of here."

As we began the rather tedious process of ferreting

Mick Brennan out of the woodwork without appearing too suspicious to

Goodmans

little infiltration

goons, Kent filled

in

on

his

maneuver.

"Donald Goodmans gone away ness.

me

for a

week on

busi-

That gives us a good window to work with." "That s great,"

I said.

"The

last

one we had got blown

out in Chinatown."

^What ple

away "I

I

did was turn certain delivery and service peo-

until further notice. Mr.

Goodman s

orders."

hope you took rather copious notes of who they

were."

"Got

all that.

But we're going

you want to come back with our

later in the

if

we

I

said.

outcall

if

them

replace

"McGovem and

Bren-

ever find him, will be happy to help out.

Stephanie DuPont's been harassing this case.

need some help

own people."

"Thats no problem," nan,

to

week and

Wait

till

massage

"Good

you see

her.

me

And

to get involved in

Maybe she could pass

as

an

girl."

idea.

Maybe

Til call

**What would Ruthie do

if

her myself"

she found out?"

"Probably just detach the Spoiler with a machete and

204

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE donate

it

to

Engine Company Number Nine."

we found

After searching high and low for Brennan,

him

low, shivering

"Shot five

he

rolls,"

said,

once he'd gotten into the

"Lots of men with guns and maids with tea trays."

car.

"Any

sign of an old lady?" said Kent.

"None. But

up

under the same elm tree where we'd

him.

left

in there

the garden almost a small

me

wouldn't surprise

it

if

she was holed

somewhere. The servants carrying tea out

made me homesick. Anyway,

army of servants on the

to

you've got

inside ministering to a

little

old lady and on the outside you've got a small army of

blokes with guns trying to protect her."

"Or what

is

more

likely," I said, "trying to

keep her

there."

"She must be one

hell of a little old lady."

"If she's Ratso's mother,"

I

said, "anything's possible."

Anything was indeed possible,

aimed the car back just

when you

in the direction of

Chappaqua. And

When

it

does, there's always

some nerd

goes around shaking his head disapprovingly and very

sagely muttering: "Anything's possible." that

it's

think you've thought of everything that any-

thing can happen.

who

thought, as Perkins

I

on

this particular

"Do you

think

I

vowed

occasion that nerd would not be me.

Mary Goodman's

really

somewhere on

that estate?" said Kent, taking off his security cap

ening his

tie.

"I'd bet

to myself

my life on it,"

I

said.

205

and

loos-

CHAPTER

46

On the way from Chappaqua caught in the mother of

Brennan s mild

back to the city

all traffic

we got

jams, and Kent, over

protestations, took the opportunity to tell a

rather poignant coming-of-age story about himself as a

young man

in Fort

"Every time of the

first

Rolls

Worth, Texas.

I

see a Rolls-Royce," said Kent, "I think

I

ever owned.

It

was

also the

last. I

was

about twenty-two years old, a young, hotshot land speculator,

and rd made myself some bucks and

spend em. So in

I

I

wanted

Houston, spent about

six

hours waxing and polishing

her up, and drove her to Fort Worth to show her off to friends

to

bought a beautiful new black Rolls down

and in-laws from

my

first

my

wife. Ruthies seen a lot

of Rolls-Royces in her time. She wouldn't have been impressed.

"But the

folks in Fort

Worth and

especially in Azle,

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE many of them had never actually seen one. I remember as I drove through Azle, every eye was on me and

Texas,

that car.

was stopped

I

at a

me and

pickup pulled up next to

used to have an drove

"I

it

ol'

very impressed.

My daddy

"

that.'

house and parked

in-laws'

it

in the

came out and gawked and they were

all

can

I

said: 'Nice car.

Packard just Uke

my

to

driveway and they

red Hght and a farmer in an old

still

see that

car. It just

shone hke a

jewel in the Texas sun.

my wife's folks lived my favorite uncle, Uncle Rosie. Now Uncle Rosie was blind but he knew what was going on. He could call out your name just by hearing your footsteps on the sidewalk. He passed "Anyway, next door to

the time watching' John

every movie John

Wayne

Wayne

movies.

I

think he'd 'seen'

ever made, probably hundreds of

Uncle Rosie had been very excited about

times. Anyway,

seeing the Rolls-Royce. This caused a problem in

young mind because

up and down

all

I

could just imagine his hands moving

I

left

and walked next door

hved and, sure enough, he called ing

my new wax job. the car in my in-

over the car and ruining

"So, with some trepidation, laws' driveway

up the sidewalk.

He was

to

where Uncle Rosie

my name as I came walk-

watching She Wore a Yellow

Ribbon, starring, of course, John Wayne. the car was here yet and

coming "

he

T

said.

on the

in in a

just

T

just

"Well, it

arrived

I

and

I

lied

He

and told him

asked

no, but

me it

if

was

couple of days.

want

grille.'

my

to feel the fancy leather

want

And told

I

to say

I'd

bring

bad about

it

207

it

seats,*

to that pretty httle lady

thought again about

him

I felt

howdy

on those

my new wax job.

right over just as

because the

car,

soon as

of course,

KINKY FRIEDMAN was But

door

sitting right next it

was

in the

driveway the whole time.

one of those things that happen when

just

you're young and hopefully you learn from a better person. If

had

I

it

it

and become

do over again Fd Ve taken

to

Uncle Rosie by the hand and personally introduced him to the

little

that car

lady

on the

he wanted

grille

and seen to

"Anyway, that s not

how

it

I left. I

went home and

that night that I'd go

him the next "So

was

I

ahead and

he saw

all

of

by

I

as

promised Unsoon as

felt like hell

I

got

and decided

just bring the car over to

woke up the next morning and

my

I

wife got a

remember call

from

I

my

Uncle Rosie had died."

The

traffic

seemed

to have cleared off a bit

and Kent

drove on with the kind of faraway look in his eyes that thought I'd noticed several nights before looking at Travis Beavers sleeping son.

my

it

wax job be damned.

making coffee when

just

in-laws.

day,

that

happened.

cle Rosie again that I'd bring the Rolls

and then

it

to.

cigar.

Nobody spoke

up from the

for a while.

I

when

puffed silently on

Then Brennan piped

backseat.

"There's a lesson in that," he said. "Yes,

Mick?"

I said.

"And what would

that be?"

"Don't fuck around with bUnd people, mate."

208

I

he'd been

CHAPTER

41

"Fm not going to be an au pair girl," said Stephanie DuPont defiantly. It was two days later and a small coordinating session was under

way

in the loft.

We

still

had, ac-

window to work with. Stephanie continued, "for some

cording to Perkins, a four-day "Especially,"

sick

fuck in Chappaqua." "Sorry," said

McGovem,

"there's not

much demand

for au pair girls in Brooklyn."

"Have you thought about being an I

outcall masseuse?"

said.

"No, turbo-dick," said Stephanie.

"An au

pair girl

is

what they're expecting,"

Perkins, "and an au pair

you

insist

right."

upon using

is

what they're going

that language,

said

to get.

at least get

Kent So

if

the accent

KINKY FRIEDMAN "rd hate

have an au pair

to

girl

with your accent,

mate," said Brennan.

"Or yours,"

said

drinking Guinness

McGovem. He and Brennan had been afternoon from a large supply I'd pur-

all

chased from Myers of Keswick on Hudson

commodating

rd done my best

host,

"Its unfortunate," can't

I

said, "that

be with us to help plan

McGovem.

"Yeah," said

"Rambam,"

continued,

I

—

that

all

Street.

As an

ac-

keep up with them.

Ratso and

Rambam

this operation." "It's

"is

Army Paratroopers "He can jump up my ass, "And

to

almost pleasant."

jumping with the Burmese

mate."

Ratso, of course, cannot be with us for reasons

of you know."

"And

I

was so looking forward," said Stephanie,

barely concealing her disgust, "to meeting

all

the rest of

your friends." "Probably,"

changes, "we'll

said

Kent,

ignoring the previous

make our move

Donald Goodman

is still

three days from

ex-

now while

away and we have some chance of

finding the old lady. Stephanie will be the au pair Kink,

McGovem, and nan

will

be an

myself

will

be housepainters. And Bren-

interior decorator."

"Brilliant," said

Brennan.

"I'll

need a beret and a

httle

diclde."

*Tou probably already have a

little

dickie,"

said

Stephanie.

"Bloody Christ," said Mick. ^^Where'd you find brazen bird?"

He

gestured in Stephanie's direction by

ing slightly one of the

many empty Guinness

ing in front of him.

210

this tilt-

bottles stand-

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "She just fluttered morning,"

window of opportunity one

in the

"And now she s become my

I said.

favorite pet

albatross."

"Shut up, Hebe," said Stephanie sweetly.

"God,

Rambam,

I

just

thought of it,"

I

said.

'Without Ratso and

Fm the only Jew in this whole operation!"

"That's

why

it

may have

a chance of success, mate,"

said Brennan. "If everybody just plays their part," will

be

fine.

said,

"everything

Micks photos should be developed by tonight

and that ought newspaper has

be a big help.

to

McGovems

going to almost certainly

story in the

town buzzing.

definitely got the

Goodman

even be part of the reason Donald

WeVe

I

It

may

hit the road.

make our move

within

three days' time, so get whatever outfits, vehicles, or props

you think you might need. And remember, we have but one primary purpose

in this adventure.

man. After we ascertain that she s let

Find Mary Good-

and sound, we can

Goodman, her nephew or

the cops deal with Donald

son or whatever he

safe

is."

"Have you considered,"

said

McGovem,

"that

he

could be her husband?" "

There s

certainly

enough money

involved,"

said

Kent. "It s entirely possible."

"So he

may be robbing

the cradle," said Brennan,

with a wicked smile. "Like the Kinkster"

Stephanie looked

at

Brennan with

a gaze that

would

have withered a pressed flower. "Don't mention Kinky," she said, "when I'm trying to relax."

"One thing

I

can't

emphasize enough," said Kent

Perkins, with an earnestness

and a new

211

intensity in his

KINKY FRIEDMAN voice, as

he

above the

stcx)d tall

httle group. "This

sion of a decidedly dangerous nature. will

not be there on the day

he's

who we

just

want

think he

is,

we

to run

up

a mis-

the place, but

infiltrate

he s already

missed kiUing two more

is

Donald Goodman

killed

—me and

if

two people and

We

Kinky.

against his security goons and, if

don't

goes

all

we shouldn't have to. Except for the housepainters, McGovem, Kink, and myself, we will all be working sepa-

well,

rately,

but actually, of course, we'll

And a chain "That's

is

only as strong as

McGovem,"

its

all

be working together.

weakest

link."

said Brennan.

"Hush," said Stephanie.

Kent raised briefly at

his

hands to quiet the crowd.

each face hke a commander sending

a mission from which he beUeves they

"And remember Patton-like into see, "I will

can to help you. Kink

may never return.

Perkins continued, staring off

this,"

some middle

be armed.

He gazed men on

his

If you

distance that only he could

run into trouble,

will let

I

will

do

all I

you know when we're ready

Good luck to you all." There was a moment of

to go in.

McGovem

silence in the

loft.

Then

laughed his loud, hearty, Irish laugh, which

ways seemed somehow inappropriate

"Who was

that

masked man?" he

212

for indoor use. said.

al-

CHAPTER

42

It

was goosing Cinderella time, around eleven fortyand

five,

News

I

McGovems

was reading

story in the Daily

for about the thirteenth time, pouring bullhorn-size

portions of Jameson

down my neck

to settle

my

nerves,

and communing with Sherlocks porcelain head and the cat.

The

had ratcheted up

lesbian dance class

overhead and

that, as usual,

made

the cat a

in the loft

edgy.

little

Sherlock, however, continued to aim his logical hazel eyes directly at mine. His eyes

and shghtly amused

at

remained unperturbed, intense,

how

Uttle the

changed. Mine, particularly after

many

world had

really

medicinal rounds

of Jameson, probably looked hke two piss-holes in the snow.

The only way I could know

in the mirror

for sure

and the only mirror

executive dumper,

where

I'd

would be

in the place

launched a

was

to look in the

large, rather fetid,

nearly rhomboidal space station earlier that morning.

KINKY FRIEDMAN "Don't go in there without your hydrogen mask," said to the cat, while

The

cat,

still

perusing

I

McGovem s cx)lumn.

of course, said nothing. She had great dis-

dain for any form of sophomoric, prepubescent, barnyard

humor. She had,

in fact, great disdain for

mor

really quite funny.

at all. It

was

*TouVe a humorless, constipated prig,"

The

I

said to the cat.

cat said nothing, but contented herself with

switching her

tail

thought, not so

and a

any form of hu-

cat.

It

back and forth rather

much

violently. It was,

a misunderstanding between a

was representative more of that

I

man

intrinsic,

deep-seated lack of trust that has always existed on some level

me

between

all

men and

all

turbed, intense, and slightly

had

really

cat looked at

amused at how little the world

changed.

McGovems

story about

one devoted sons ceaseless

my

mild surprise, had created a

search for his mother, to

space station explosion of its us

women. The

with her logical hazel eyes. They remained unper-

who knew

Ratso, the pains

gone through to portray him

New York. To those of and effort McGovem had

own

in a

in

remotely attractive

light

McGovems piece also provided Don Imus and Howard Stem, the two New York-based radio titans who, as a rule, dumped on

seemed

fairly

amusing.

great fodder for

Ratso on a

fairly regular basis.

each after his

own

Now, both Imus and Stem,

inimitable fashion, proceeded to

on Ratso to a degree and an

warmed

intensity that

dump

would Ve

the heart of Gustave Flaubert.

Neither knew, of course, that Ratso was in the sneezer.

Nor did they know about the

investigation or plan

of attack that would soon be under way.

214

Nor could they

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE have any knowledge of the

fact that if

Mary Goodman

wasn't living in a castle in Chappaqua, there weren't any

cards

left to play.

Mary Goodman

forty-seven years for a reason. licity

was going

late date.

man

But

it

hadn't turned

No amount

to bring her out of the

up

in

of press or pub-

woodwork

at this

might Ve helped flush out Donald Good-

for the time being.

However, there was no hard

dence on Goodman. None

at

all.

evi-

Just a ridiculously skimpy

circumstantial tissue of horseshit. Cecil Hausenfluck, a

man who kicked his own scribed Goodman to me. had given

me

one rd found

ankles on a regular basis, had deTravis Beaver, a tow-truck driver,

name had matched the Sloman s safe deposit box the name

the name. His in Jack

last

—

of Ratsos birth mother. Then, of course, there was the

Goodman as the bad guy. But what, I thought, if Goodman was a bad guy but the wrong bad guy and Mary Goodman was no rematter of two dead bodies pointing vaguely to

lation to

him and she wasn't Uving in

and there were no cards '"When

there's

left

no cards

a castle in

Chappaqua

to play? left to play," I said to

"even destiny can't shuffle the deck."

215

the cat,

CHAPTER

4? I

WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING WITH NO SCROTAL-SARONG

difficulties

but with something even more unpleasant.

A

poison dwarf was standing on the sidewalk four floors be-

low

my kitchen window screaming very personal slang obme in a piercing cockney accent. The last time

scenities at

rd heard that kind of pathological timbre in a voice was when Cecil Hausenfluck had asked his mother if he was being rude. Mick Brennan, quite obviously, didn't care a

bloody

damn what

anybody's mother thought.

"Put a sock on

it,

Mick,"

I

shouted, as

I

flung open

window and pitched the puppet head out into the feeThen I slammed the window back down and goose-stepped to the espresso machine, which I quickly cajoled into operation. Then I leaned against the

the

ble, freezing sunlight.

kitchen counter, listened to for the inevitable.

it

hiss

and

rattle,

and waited

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "Goddamnit, mate," said Brennan, door with the puppet head

lope in the other, "IVe been up

making these

prints just so

I

as

he roared

in the

one hand and a large enve-

in

all

bloody fucking night

could queue up and wait

all

bloody fucking morning for you to pop out of bed and toss

me this bloody fucking puppet head." "Perhaps you would care for some tea,"

I

said in a

conciliatory tone.

"Lets have a large helping of Jameson s, mate, and hold the bagels.

Then we can

look over these prints

if

you

like." I

poured a hefty shot of

horn and handed into

my Imus

had a

little

it

to Mick.

in the

chip on

I

Irish

whiskey into the

Morning coffee mug, which

its

bull-

poured an equally hefty shot

shoulder. So did

I

noticed

I.

"Here's to your bloke Kent Perkins," said Brennan, raising the bullhorn. "I

hope

Hke him, and for

our sakes

all

I

he's not insane."

"I'd say he's pretty

damn

clever stepping in in front of

the security boys and telling the hired help to

come back

next week."

We

clinked our inappropriately

stemmed

receptacles

and poured the Jameson down our necks. "Always did believe in a hearty breakfast," said Brennan.

"Okay, Mick, spit

would indicate at

it.

Did you get anything

that our httle old lady

may be

at all that

in residence

the castle?"

"What'd you expect, mate?

minum

walker?

A

A

double-parked alu-

close-up of her dentures smiling at you

217

KINKY FRIEDMAN rm

from the canasta table? spy

good but

Fm

not a bleeding

satellite."

With

Brennan

that proviso,

slid

the envelope over to

me and slid himself in the direction of the door. "Fm sure they'll prove invaluable," I said, go over them very carefully before

we move on

"and we'll

the place.

was just hoping there'd be some sign of Mary Goodman. she's not there,

You

we can call in the dogs and piss on the

hope we're not going

**Well, I

told us Ratso's

your

on

life

"I'd

mother was

fire."

in for nothing, mate.

there.

You

said you'd bet

it."

bet

still

my hfe

on

it," I

said, as

I

placed the pup-

pet head back on top of the fridge. "I'm just wondering the gods

I

If

will

if

be offering any odds."

"They never have

Brennan,

in the past, mate," said

and he walked out the door. That afternoon, with an imminent sense of D-Day the

loft, I

reviewed a small

DuPont

for Stephanie

ionably call to

late. I

to

list

of paint supphes as

knock on

I

in

waited

my door. She was

fash-

used the time purposefully by returning a

Mike Simmons

at a

new number

he'd

left

on the

machine.

"Good news," he "Our new lawyer is not the kind of thin

Naked Lunch darts

up your

said,

when he came on

a piranha, he's a candiru.

little fish

line.

WiUiam Burroughs described

that lives in the lower ass or

the

You know,

Amazon

in

basin and

your prick and erects sharp spikes and

can only be removed by surgery, which, of course, feasible in the lower

Amazon

basin?"

218

is

not

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE '"Was Burroughs writing from personal experience or

was

it

you

is

just wishful thinking?"

"It

was

Simmons.

fishful thinking," said

that Ratso could

"All

I

can

tell

be out of the can within twenty-

four hours." "Allah be praised,"

I

more

said,

relieved than

I

might

have sounded. "Ratso seems very contrite.

coming back

"Hes

"He

to his

first

"Hes

"He

he fucked up

right."

also says

about the

He knows

apartment from Woodstock."

he should've told you

in the beginning

detective he hired to find his

mother"

right."

because

also feels shitty

caused so

he's

much

trouble for you and everybody else."

"Hes

right again,"

I

said.

"Maybe

there's

something

wrong with him." Simmons, "we're

"Well," said

all

about to find out.

could be out on bail as early as tonight. I'm sure

you and

tell

"No

you

all this

doubt,"

I

Goodman

is.

stuff himself."

may be

said. "I

thing very soon, too.

I

He

he'll call

may be

able to

able to

tell

tell

him some-

him where Mary

His mother"

"That would make Ratso very happy."

"Somehow derive the

I

don't think

Mary Goodman

same enjoyment from

this

will quite

mother-and-child re-

union."

Later that afternoon

I

could see every head on Canal

Street turning as Stephanie

and

219

I

browsed the army-navy

KINKY FRIEDMAN None of the heads appeared

store circuit.

be looking

to

at

my cowboy hat. "You're quite a hit on Canal Street/'

hke

"It's

this

said.

I

everywhere, ass brain," said Stephanie.

"Or haven't you noticed?" "Must be hard

manage,"

to

said,

I

basking in the un-

bridled jealousy of every lowlife on the sidewalk. "It's

only hard to

vaceous hip by a

smoking

his

Hebe

hideous

"Yeah,"

I

manage when I'm joined detective nerd in a

at the cur-

cowboy

hat,

cigar."

said understandingly. "I

know how

that

feels."

We

bought

caps for Kent,

paint, brushes, white overalls,

McGovem, and

from Stephanie,

I

tried

myself. After

"Not

cajoling

my outfit on in the store.

"You look hke an orderly Stephanie

and white

some

in

a mental hospital,"

said, laughing.

true,"

I said.

"Only two professional groups

al-

ways wear white caps. Rich men's sons and housepainters. I'm a housepainter." "I

know," said Stephanie

"I

appreciate your helping us with this surveillance,"

said, as

wistfully.

we left the store with three large shopping bags.

I

"It

could get a bit gnarly, you know."

"Do you

think

it's

a real castle?" she said with the sud-

den innocence of a near-child. "I

showed you Mick's

pics of the place.

Of course it's

a

real castle."

"But just ask yourself:

you hve

in Westchester?'

'If you

"

220

were a

real castie,

would

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "Probably not,"

I

said, as I unsuccessfully signaled a

cab on Canal Street. "But

let s

give the old castle a chance.

You never know. Maybe youll

find your knight in shining

armor" Stephanie raised her arm and a cab pulled immediately to the curb like a large, motorized puppet.

*Tou never know," she

and

flailing

said, tossing

her head sharply

her long blond hair halfway to

"Maybe we'll even

find

Mary Goodman."

221

Little Italy.

CHAPTER

44

Ratso didn't call. The cat and

I

had to content ourknowing whether he

selves with the cold comfort of not

was

still

was

just pretending

in the sneezer or

had been released on

he didn't know

us.

bail

For myself,

I

and was

too proud and too busy to bother with finding out. As far as the cat

was concerned, she was too proud and too busy

to bother with anything or

anyone that did not directly

please or intrigue her If Ratso s Ufe had

depended upon

it,

she wouldn't have crossed the desk from one red tele-

phone

to the other Cats are so clean.

As

at least a

grudging, time-share

member

wonderfully sensitive and complex

human

might be coming down with some

spiritual

German measles and science. Yes,

I still

I

did not wish for

planned to take

cret agents out to the castle in the

my

it

race,

I

feared

I

malady akin to

to scar

skilled

morning

of the

my con-

team of

se-

to find Ratsos

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE Fd

mother. Yes,

already rather significantly risked

and

life

limb, including several that didn*t even belong to me, dur-

Fd done

ing the course of this investigation.

for Ratso

what

Sherlock would've done for Watson or what Nero Wolfe

would Ve done, win. But

I

Good-

albeit rather grudgingly, for Archie

wasn*t sure,

now that

I

thought about

it,

that

Fd

ever really been a true friend to Ratso, whatever that

meant.

my more

In

moments,

reflective

had

I

to admit that

was often rather hard on people, particularly those to think of as

my friends.

ble of kindness just that

and

are It

me

if

weVe

was

at

me

my

liked

I

was capa-

toward others;

I

thought.

We

it

was

are what

all.

I

noticed the cat staring at

ambivalent, meandering thoughts

sucked the very breath from

my chest at

I

always balked at thinking of

the hell,

anything at

intendy Reading

she slept on ble,

What

about that time that

just as surely as she

me wrong.

acts of generosity

something inside

myself in that way.

we

Don't get

I

night. It

my body as

was a dangerous, vulnera-

almost frightening feeling. Like standing naked in front

of the whole world.

"So

Or walking on

Fm human,"

I

the street in

said to the cat.

New York.

"What do you want

from me?"

The cally,

cat said nothing, but continued to stare crypti-

hke the oracle of Vandam. "Okay, so

a giver in a takers

The

"Fm

Hke Cecil Hausenfluck talking

to a

right,"

I

body"

cat said nothing.

Suddenly

I

felt

mother who wasn't little

said.

maybe Kent Perkins was

there.

I

got up from the desk, poured a

nightcap of Jameson into the bullhorn, and took

223

it

KINKY FRIEDMAN over to the window, where

I

killed the shot

level eyes across the fatuous, fourth-story city night.

thought,

A

little

and gazed with

nevemess of the

soul-searching can always be forgiven,

when you know

that in the

to attack the castle.

224

I

morning you're going

CHAPTER

It9

Of course, we you Ve ever

didn't really attack the castle. But

tried,

if

you know that even merely insinuating

yourself into a castle can be just about as dangerous. People

who live

in castles generally don't trust

outside castles.

people

who

live

And they may have something there.

"Seems too

easy, mate," said

Brennan the next morn-

ing as the five of us breakfasted on coffee and doughnuts in a nondescript rented

Chappaqua

van parked in front of a nearby

diner.

"It is easy," said

Kent

patiently.

"Just don't get caught,"

tuated the

comment with

added McGovem.

He

punc-

a machine-gun-hke burst of

highly infectious Irish laughter, which shouldVe been gal inside

an enclosed van

at eight o'clock in the

"Most of the people working tle,"

in

ille-

morning.

and around the

cas-

Kent continued, "probably won't have been there

KINKY FRIEDMAN much

When

longer than us.

there were a lot of

I

earlier in the week number of temps, and a

checked

new people,

a

high turnover in general. That ensures that nobody ever learns too

much."

"Yes," said Stephanie, "that's

why permit people

to crawl

all

one way to look

over the place

if

at

But

it.

you Ve got

something or someone youVe trying to hide?" "IVe pondered that one myself,"

if

it'd

op-

look suspicious

Mary Goodmans there, may bp limited to a small Donald Goodman s not going to be

with no one ever around. Also, or

said. "It s a big

I

eration to run an estate of this size and if

she was there, the evidence

area inside the house. there anyway, so

it s

not a problem. But

if

he s got a crony

or two watching over things, they certainly aren't threat-

ened by what goes on outside the

come more dangerous,

I

place. It

suspect, if

may

only be-

you have to go inside

the house."

"Comforting words for an interior decorator, mate," said Brennan.

"Or the new French maid Donald Goodman

hired,"

said Stephanie. "I

was going to comment on that French maid

said Kent, "but

I

was

afraid

God or

outfit,"

Ruthie would strike

me

dead."

"Now everybody just I

said.

city.

relax

and look

like

you belong,"

"Pretend you're in a strange neighborhood in the

Just blend in.

No one knows who Goodman may have

hired or fired recently, so get your story down, keep ple,

and

may be

stick to

it.

And keep

closeted in a

it

sim-

a lookout for an old lady

who

sunroom or a

somewhere."

226

Uttle

hidden garden

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "Or a dungeon, mate." "Listen and observe,"

I

Brennan s

instructed, ignoring

remark. "And be relaxed."

"That s too

much to remember,"

"By the time darkness

falls

said

McGovem.

on the casde,"

said

Kent

Perkins dramatically, as he started the van s ignition, "we'll

have solved the mystery of Mary Goodman."

As the van pulled out of the parking

lot

toward

its

date with destiny, each passenger, in his or her

own

seemed absorbed in placing the

on a new

identity. I

had

could only act "If

finishing touches

if

they

it.

you do meet your knight

in shining

where

in the casde," I said to Stephanie,

to tell

him?"

"Get in

Now,

to admit they looked the part.

way,

line,"

she

armor some-

"what do you plan

said.

Penetrating the grounds of the estate proved as easy as

Kent had predicted, and was made even easier by the

fact that

every pair of male orbs in the place was totally

zoning in on Stephanie DuPont in her French maid

Quite possibly,

we

anyone s being the

the front hall was just about big enough to

The

magnitude or

accommodate

Army

fortress

was so

large, indeed, that

Brennan s surveillance photos had not done its

Army wiser. And

could Ve slipped the entire Polish

into the front hall without

the entire Polish

outfit.

its

lost in

here quite

floors

unimpeded

labyrinthine features.

easily, I reflected, as I

in

my

even Mick

total justice to

A body could get walked the lower

mental-hospital drag, carrying a

tape measure and a rather elaborate color chart.

227

The

fact

KINKY FRIEDMAN was rd already

I

lost

McGovem,

except

contact with everybody on our team

the worlds largest housepainter,

whom

could see through a set of stained-glass windows that

would Ve made a Mormon missionary green with

envy.

McGovem was painting a forlorn-looking,

frostbitten httle

wooden garden

be enjoying

work.

"Fm exactly

comes

and he appeared

trellis

found a side door and made

I

not sure,"

I

said, "that a

what they wanted here. in,

youVe going

"That s okay," said greenery comes in

"McGovem, as

Til

his

phlegm-colored

When

trellis is

the spring greenery

to have a real clash problem."

McGovem. "By the time the spring

be gone."

want you

I

to

my way over to him.

to stay right here for as long

you possibly can. There's probably acres of woods and

gardens on the place, but

spot provides a great

this

overview of the house and the grounds. You only chance we'll have to us are. Til

come

know where

may be

out periodically to reconnoiter on

movements other than bowel and

the

the hell the rest of all

to supervise the drying

of your paint." "I can't paint this trellis forever," said

**What

and

if

some groundskeeper or

tries to

fat-arm

we have

is

also the only

compre-

of what's going on inside the castle."

"There's something now," said

toward an upstairs

McGovem.

guy comes out

me?"

"You've got to stay put. This

hensive view

security

window in the

McGovem,

gesturing

fortresshke structure.

We both looked up and saw a flash of blond hair sticking out from under a white painter's cap, as a large

man

who'd evidently been observing us stood up and turned around.

Then

a light-colored piece of cloth

228

seemed

to

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE move downward out of our

vision.

window, apparendy aimed directiy self,

Then, suddenly, at

McGovem

in the

and my-

there appeared a pair of large, white, luminous but-

tocks.

229

CHAPTER

46

By Gary Cooper time, with our cover nicely,

inside

still

holding

we were able to swim around on the grounds and much of the casde in the blithe, practiced manner

of the deadly candiru

had gone on

fish.

to explain,

nated in the lower

The

and

Amazon

candiru, as

as

Mike Simmons

anybody whos ever

basin and lived to

tell

uri-

about

it

knows from empirical evidence, swims toward warmth.

We, on the other

fin,

as the afternoon

wore

were swimming toward on, our strokes

truth.

And,

grew bolder and

stronger. It

soon became apparent that Perkins was correct

about most of the servants and worldngpeople knowing less

than

we

did.

premises, and the

sponded

No one had name

Mar^'

to with a blank stare.

exceptions to

this.

seen an older lady on the

Goodman was

usually re-

There were, however, a few

One was an

old

man who

looked

like

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE he'd been polishing silver in the scullery even longer than

McGovem had been painting the trellis. "Can you tell me where I can find Mary Goodman?" I asked him casually, as wall with

went about comparing a nearby

I

my ever-present color chart.

"Oh, shes in her garden,

sir,"

he

stopping his

said,

polishing almost imperceptibly, like a sleeping

unknowingly before taking

ing

breath. "Shes not to

"Where "It s

Mr.

is

man

paus-

unconscious

next

be disturbed."

her garden anyway?"

her private garden,

Goodman

his

sir.

I

persisted.

You'd have to check with

or Jennings."

This posed somewhat of a problem, in that Mr. Good-

man, of course, was not on the premises and Jennings was obviously the head footman or Big Butler or

somebody of

such hierarchical stature that a mere housepainter

like

myself probably couldn't approach him with such a sensitive question. I wasn't sure

were,

I

that

thanked the old

I

in the silver plate

man

I

saw the

I

also realized that either

would probably have

reflection of

he was polishing and

one or both of us probably belonged

pital.

I

high up the ladder, as

it

could climb.

As

image

how

I

realized

mental hos-

Brennan or Stephanie

to brace Jennings. If

would have given the guy

in a

my

I

were Jennings

in the silver plate the dust-off

for sure. I left

before in

hke a

to find

his sartorial

all

httle

Brennan,

whom

I'd

seen about an hour

splendor pushing the staff around

red apple. His personality was actually rather

well suited for an interior decorator in a place like

thought.

He

this, I

could be as abrasive as he wished and every-

231

KINKY FRIEDMAN one would

nod and bow and

still

Cunningham."

It

was

respectfully say: *Tes, Mr.

also refreshing to hear

Brennan go

through a whole morning without using the word "mate."

But Brennan was nowhere to be seen. Nor was Kent Perkins. Kent

was a pro, however.

He was

the only one of

us capable of casing the whole upstairs of the mansion and still

finding time to

moon me and McGovem. The

last

time rd seen Stephanie, she was chatting amiably with the

me away

old housekeeper and shooing

when

the

woman

of Kent and Mick doing a disappearing

crew was

fitting in so well

nervous. As started to

I

fall

remember,

it

act,

the rest of our

was beginning

that

to

make me

was about the time things

apart.

Suddenly, Brennan

and grabbed

with her hand

wasn't watching. So, with the exception

my arm as

I

came running out of was attempting to

the house

light a cigar

on

a large veranda.

"Mate," he said intensely, "they're onto you." "Relax, Mick," ticularly feel. rator-like

I

said,

with a confidence

"YouVe behaving

fashion.

I

did not par-

in a very un-interior-deco-

Time may be running out

— housepainting crew "It

is.

I

for

the

overheard Jennings asking questions about

the three of you."

"But they're 'Mr.

Cunningham,

all still sir'

deferentially addressing

you

as

and Stephanie's got every pair of go-

nads on the grounds wrapped around her fingers with, of course, the possible exceptions of yours and

mine and

sometimes I'm not so sure about yours." "Mate, you'd better skate." "I don't think we'll

have

to. I

232

doubt

if

Jennings knows

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE whether or not Goodman hired

for certain

an enquiring mind. So do I

for

Here's what

I.

I

us.

He's just got

want you

to do."

gave Mick a suggestion to pass along to Stephanie

me.

was nothing

It

the times I'd lived

Mick

left to

side of the

my

brilliant, really. Just life

find Stephanie

house to see

mand post. As

I

walked,

I

of

I

walked around the

was

still

at his

com-

itself,

pri-

along with, of course,

searched for a good half an hour, but

was wintertime and

would be

bom

looked again to see where a

vate garden might be hiding

Mary Goodman.

and

McGovem

if I

an idea

around death.

it

was hard

to imagine

it

what the place

like in spring. Possibly, a private little

winter gar-

den might be tucked away somewhere on the sprawling grounds and Mary

Goodman might be bundled up

her comforter on her divan sipping a hot camomile

There was

also the possibihty,

I

reflected, that just

with tea.

around

the next comer. Judge Crater and Amelia Earhart might

be busily pmning daffodils from the side lawn.

As tion

I

approached McGovem, Brennan's dire predic-

seemed

to

be bearing

its

sour

curity guard, almost as big as

fruit.

A large, armed se-

McGovem, was

conversing

with him in a manner that seemed far from congenial.

slowed

my pace and was

able to pick

up the

tail

I

end of the

conversation.

"On top of that, buddy," "this

is

said the burly security guard,

the slowest fucldn' paint job I've ever seen."

"This

isn't

a paint job," said

McGovem

mincing, condescending whine. "This

is

in a rather

a total surface

restoration."

"We'll see about that,

'

said the guard,

off toward the front of the house.

233

and he headed

KINKY FRIEDMAN "I like that *total surface restoration/

looked

at

my watch.

our

"I give

I

said, as

I

housepainting crew

Uttle

about twenty minutes before they

**

call in

a forklift and get

us out of here."

"A

lot

can happen in twenty minutes," said McGov-

em.

"And not Kent

all

good,"

"Here comes Kent."

said.

I

was

Perkins

indeed

approaching,

looking

shghtly harassed and rubbing the knuckles on his right

hand. "Just

had a minor

"who won't be

said,

altercation with a security guy,"

he

giving us any trouble for a while."

"Unfortunately,"

about eighty-seven

said, "there's

I

more of them crawling

over the place

all

like so

many

burly praying mantises."

McGovem,

"We're running out of time," said

ored

as

he

slopped a few finishing touches on the phlegm-col-

lazily

trellis.

'With nothing to show for

it, I

might add."

"Not quite nothing," said Kent with a quick

smile.

"Stephanie got your message from Brennan and found in the

medicine cabinet

From

his overalls

scription bottle

name typed on

in a disused

this

boudoir upstairs."

pocket he extracted a plastic pre-

and held

it

in his

the label was

palm

for us to see.

The

Mary Goodman. The date on

the prescription was February 1984.

"Some of her

effects, apparently,

were

still

in the cab-

inet as well as other prescriptions, but, unfortunately, this

was the most recent of the it

lot.

She was

definitely here, but

was over ten years ago." I

puffed thoughtfully on

my

cigar

cold sun shining on the mansion on the

234

and watched the

hill.

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE " *In last

years

nests,' " I said, " *there are

no birds

**

this year/

^^Who said that?" asked Kent.

"Don

Quixote,"

I said.

'That s about right," said

we

McGovem.

"I

had a

feeling

were tilting at windmills." "Not

quite,"

I said.

"Look over

there."

As we watched from our vantage point

at the side

of

the casde, an evil baby-blue Rolls-Royce was roUing up the drive to the front door. seen, so

The

We

were able

to see

and not be

we continued to watch the car as two men got out. was Donald Goodman and he casually pro-

driver

ceeded

to

When

walk into the house with the other man.

McGovem

and

I

saw Goodmans companion, our

faces

must have reflected an astonishment roughly comparable to

what we might have displayed

at

having just seen the

Holy Ghost line-dancing on Country Music

"Who was Neither

that?" asked Perkins.

McGovem

nor

answered

I

ment, Kent must have figured

he

Television.

didn't say anything either.

it

We

until, after

was Ratso.

235

mo-

out for himself, because all

just stood there like

three fucked-up shepherds under a phlegm-colored It

a

trellis.

CHAPTER

47

Things moved at a breakneck pace after that. Perkins ran quickly toward the house, flattening himself against

the outer wall and peering cautiously through a bay win-

dow into the to

great hall.

McGovem and myself, not wishing

spook Ratso in a potentially dangerous

situation,

had

to

content ourselves with hiding behind a nearby hedge and

From our distant vanimages that we took to be

watching Perkins watch Goodman. tage point

Ratso and

of

we could see dull Goodman moving back and

vision, occasionally

Goodman appeared or hunting

rifle

to

coming very

forth across our line

close to the window.

be carrying some kind of shotgun

and showing

it

to Ratso.

"Do you own a sawed-ojf shotgun, **Not to

The

my

knowledge.

next thing

I

Tex?*'

"

realized,

McGovem was

nudging

me

sharply in the ribs and Kent Perkins had discarded the

I

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE paintbrush he'd been carrying and in his right hand he

now

held a gun.

Then Goodman and Ratso disappeared

from the window altogether and Perkins,

in

a scene

vaguely reminiscent of Audie Murphy, ran toward us in a

low crouch,

still

jumped the

holding the gun, and

hedge, landing precariously close to

small

my lit cigar.

'They're going hunting," said Perkins. "Well, fuck

me

Mc-

gently with a chainsaw," said

Govem. "I

overheard Ratso

hunting,'

"

say:

hunting you'd use something shells

like a

is

that for pheasant

twenty-gauge and the

would be six-and-a-half birdshot."

"So what s

"Damn

Goodman

got?"

I said.

"An elephant gun?"

"Hes

close," said Perkins.

gauge shotgun and table.

Tve never been pheasant

"The problem

said Kent.

carrying a twelve-

could see the box of shells on the

I

They're double-ought buckshot."

**Which means?" **Which means ing to be nothing I

if

they're hunting pheasant there's go-

left to

chew on."

chewed on the idea of Ratso going pheasant hunting

with Donald

Goodman and decided

just getting ready to figuratively spit

I it

didn't

out

Uke

when

it.

I

was

the back

doors of the castle flung open and spit out the two great

white hunters. Ratso was

now

burlap bag, presumably for

man was

still

some kind of large the pheasant. Donald Goodcarrying

carrying the shotgun.

They walked together

into the woods.

"He's going to

kill

him," said

McGovem.

"He's sure going to try" said Kent. "I'm going after

em."

And he

did.

237

KINKY FRIEDMAN "McGovem," the house and

I

call

said,

"do you think you can get into

the cops or the state police or some-

body?' "Sure/* said

McGovem

doubtfully ^What do

I

them?** "Tell

them Mary Goodman s

238

in the garden/*

I said.

tell

CHAPTER

46

"I

don't

know

came Ratsos

if I

COULD REALLY SHOOT A PHEASANT,"

rodentlike voice out of the

womb

of the

woods.

"You may not get the chance," said a deep, gravelly voice

by a

took to be Goodmans. This was followed quickly

I

short, surgical laugh, cold as the

ground

I

was crawl-

ing on. In fairness to Ratso, he'd been in the calaboose dur-

ing

all

that

our efforts to track Goodman, so

he might

rich cousin to

fall

come

It

was

loaded,

game.

meet

his

his long-lost

also fair to say that the fine

on Ratso, and the oppormother, now that he suspected she was

of social climbing was not

tunity to

stood to reason

up to the estate and be a country gen-

tleman for a weekend. art

it

prey to an invitation from

lost

would draw him up here

faster

even than a hockey

KINKY FRIEDMAN At the moment, I

know where

didn't

why rd

my

I

Goodman and

couldn't see Ratso or

the hell Kent was.

I

wasn't even sure

followed him into the woods. Without a weapon of

own, the only role

could play was to stay out of the

I

way of Donald Goodman s buckshot. I

edged a

pumped the it

httle closer

into the

chamber of

a shotgun.

It

shell

being

was probably

mortal sound that Bambi s mother ever heard, and

last

my

wasn't exactly music to

again.

through the thick undergrowth

heard the soul-splintering sound of a

until I

I

ears either.

Then

I

heard

it

crawled more quickly, ever closer to oblivion by

obliteration, the only thought in

my head being not to cre-

ate the appearance of a large pheasant.

"You sure

"What does

its

too cold for badminton?" asked Ratso.

a pheasant look like anyway?"

Goodman laughed. *Who said anything pheasant?" He laughed again. In the woods his

"Pheasant?"

about a

laughter carried with a hollow, muffled, yet peculiarly

penetrating sound, like the drums of death.

"Don," said Ratso, a said

little

unsure now,

"I

thought you

we'd be hunting pheasant?" I

clearly

crawled

closer.

and what

I

I

could hear their voices quite

heard was not reassuring.

"Pheasant?" said Goodman,

who seemed

to

be play-

ing with Ratso now. "I didn't say we'd be hunting pheasant. I said it'd

be pleasant

to

go hunting together.

Do you

know why?" ^'Well,

we

are cousins," said Ratso,

clearly sensing that

to get to

know each

something was wrong. other.

now apparendy "It's

By the way, when

getting here?"

240

is

a good

way

my mother

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "She s already here, cuz," said Goodman, "and

be meeting her soon. But we're not going each other,

Fm

We're

afraid.

to get to

just going to

hunting accident. Don't move or

you'll

know

have a

little

you where you

Til kill

stand."

Ratso, evidentiy, did not move. Neither did

voices

were almost on top of

through the undergrowth

now,

it

I.

Their

seemed, though

could barely make out their

I

some poorly staged passion play would be suicidal. So I lis-

images, like shadows in

To move any

me

closer, I thought,

tened, mesmerized by the deadly

little

scene, as

if I

were a

creature of the wild, with nowhere to go and nowhere to stay,

hypnotized by the very helplessness of being. "Its

like

this,

cuz,"

"Dear Aunt Mary and

I

Donald Goodman continued.

lived very comfortably without a

care in the world until the sweet old thing died about ten years ago.

broken

I

Of natural causes, I might add. couldn't come to grips with the

Aunt Mary's death. So

was so heart-

reality

pretended she was

just

I

I

of dear

still

alive."

"In other words," said Ratso, "you were keeping the

goose that laid the golden egg even though you knew she

was dead."

Donald Goodman, chuckling

"That's right, cuz," said

darkly in the dark forest. "I like the things. Don't

move.

I

mean

it."

There was an uncomfortable

No

birds.

silent

No

animals.

way you pick up on

No Kent

stillness in

the woods.

Perkins. Nothing but a

shroud of sun-dappled darkness dancing

downward

its

way

to the forest floor

"Oh, she was a strange bird,

known blood

relation

and

I

all right. I

hked

241

it

was her only

that way. But dear

KINKY FRIEDMAN Auntde had a

me

will that

she and her lawyers would never

let

Of course, it doesn't matter now. She did speak of you now and again. She told me if God delivered her little David to her, everything she owned would be his. But I guess God didn't see it that way. He called her to her just see.

reward long before you started hiring Pis and talking to lawyers and generally fucking things up. late, cuz.

Sorry

we never got

prayer.

Then came

a deafening blast.

seemed to

know each

to

There was a moment of

And now

its

other."

silence almost like a silent

a desperate crashing of branches.

Then

die in the throat.

a bloodcurdling scream

Then that

Then another loud blast. Then

nothing.

Nothing but the

too

forest primeval.

242

CHAPTER

49

Three days later, a joint task force made up of the FBI and the New York State Police, using heat-sensing helicopters, infrared cameras,

the body of

and cadaver dogs, located

Mary Goodman. She was

in the garden. Inter-

estingly enough,

her remains were found not

curious-looldng

phlegm -colored

stand a silent force,

vigil

trellis

that

over the entire operation.

far

from a

seemed

The joint

to

task

though disinclined to get involved with the murders

of Jack Bramson and Moie Hamburger, had been keeping a close eye

on Donald Goodman

more important reasons tax fraud.

To

this

for

what they deemed

—money laundering and

end, they had infiltrated both

corporation and his estate near Chappaqua. instance, that

had

be

federal

Goodman s

The

guard, for

McGovem had been New York State Police. me nearly as much as the news I

tried to fat-arm

working undercover for the This did not surprise

to

KINKY FRIEDMAN heard from Kent Perkins almost a week to the day after he'd blown away Donald tire joint task force

Goodman. The head of the en-

was a federal agent working under-

cover who'd been on

Goodmans

payroll for over eight

months. The agent directing the operation, was, according to Perkins, an older

man who

spent

much

of his time pol-

ishing silver plates.

Kent, incidentally, spent several days under the

shadow of arrest for killing Donald Goodman with a weapon that was unlicensed in the state of New York. He was rather ing to

stoic

me what

about the whole ordeal, however,

situations of this nature.

Kent had

recit-

he said was the cop s routine rejoinder

said,

"Fd rather be

"than carried by

by twelve,"

tried

As

six."

it

in

evolved, of

course, neither was necessary, and Kent Perkins, a job

well done, was able to return to California, thereby re-

populating that state with one more large, attractive,

blond person.

who suffered only a grazing wound to his left buttock, now stands, at this writing, to inherit shghdy under fifty-seven million dollars. From this windfall, as might Ratso,

be expected, there legal fees that

will

have to be extracted rather sizable

have been engendered by Ratso s having

re-

tained a candiru-like phalanx of lawyers that has, as also

might be expected, become too sated with treading water in his prospective reservoir of riches to

warmth or To

swim toward

either

truth.

his credit,

Ratso did leave a message on

swering machine that fateful day, telling out pheasant hunting with his

cording to Ratso, had read

new

McGovem s 244

me

cousin.

my

an-

he was going

The

cousin, ac-

piece in the Daily

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE ^ews and was making arrangements

for Ratso to get to-

gether soon with his mother as well.

Once Rat$o was out on bail, of course, Goodman would know exactly how to get in touch with him at his apartment. He'd already killed him there once. Now, he for

him

for

all.

been alerted

however,

Don Imus

to Ratso s quest

at this writing,

I

radio. It isn't

whether he'd heard

was already

Ratso had called, having

left

on

it

in

Chappaqua when

the cat in charge of the

loft.

me

the

and rather disturbing note on Ratso.

He

whatever her reasons,

cat, for

on the

also, ap-

Howard Stem.

or on

Unfortunately,

The

once and

And he moved very quickly. Goodman had

parently, clear,

was running out

realized, time

to eliminate this threat to his inheritance

failed to give

message.

One

final

has determined, for whatever his reasons, that his

new

as well as

friends,

his

relatively

few older ones,

should address him as David Victor Goodman. ing very

little

he's taking

many

He

is

hav-

success with this campaign and, I'm afraid,

it all

rather personally. I've counseled

him

that

patience will win the day and that soon people will relate to his

newfound

relate to his this will

identity as readily as they

newfound wealth.

not be the case.

nomenon of hfe

It is

that people

Privately,

now appear

however,

I

to

fear

a troubling but true phe-

who,

for

whatever the reason,

possibly through no fault of their own, have

mal names, invariably find them impossible

assumed to

ani-

shed for

all

you are indeed saddled with one of these names, you may consort with the Rockefellers, but you

eternity.

So

will forever

if

be a Ratso.

245

CHAPTER

90

About three weeks later, back at the loft one afternoon, much in the manner of men in mental hospiput on

tals, I

my white

housepainter s cap and read to the

Fd recently received from Lilyan now had told her about the death of his

cat a portion of a letter

Sloman. Ratso by birth

mother and, apparently, a few other things "

Tou

will

never know,'

preciate what you Ve

"That s nice,"

I

done

said.

for she switched her

stared stonily "

recently,' " I

not tell

away

T know

tail

"

she says,

for Larry/

The

"

I

ap-

"

cat, evidently,

violently

as well.

'how much

did not agree,

from side to side and

in the opposite direction.

that you, too, have lost your

continued reading,

"

*and

Fm

mother

fairly

sure this did

make the search any easier for you. I only wanted to you the same thing I told Larry. No one can ever take

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE the place of a person s real mother. But sometimes there "

are other places/

"Sometimes there are other places,"

and the

now

cat,

that

to pick

"Who

up

knows,"

said to myself,

wasn't addressing her directly,

I

my mood. tail and crawled into my lap. seemed

I

She stopped thrashing her

"Maybe one of those

I said.

places

is

right here in this loft."

That night

dreamed

I

was driving a Rolls-Royce

I

across a vivid landscape in a tropical clime. In the front seat

with

me were

Robert Louis Stevenson and Uncle Rosie.

was a beautiful day and everyone was smiling

as

It

we drove

along an endless road under a swaying canopy of palm trees that

seemed

to belong at

once to the sea and the

sky.

Into this idyllic occasion was suddenly injected a strange thunking sound accompanied at irregular intervals

by a not entirely unpleasant vibration

in the area of

buttocks. This disruption continued for

some miles

my

until

Robert Louis Stevenson turned around and peered deeply into the backseat of the Rolls. "I say,

thor.

old man, this

is

quite odd," said the great au-

"There appears to be a small Aryan child kicking the

back of your

seat."

In the morning,

I

lit

my

first

cigar of the day

called Dr. Charles Ansell, an old friend of my father s

preeminent world expert on the

Charhe the dream. that the

I

also told

analysis of dreams.

him

that

I

and

and a I

told

rather suspected

highway upon which we were traveling was The

Road of the Loving

Hearts.

247

KINKY FRIEDMAN "I

can only analyze a dream," said Charlie, "in relation

to a specific person tell

and

his or

her experiences. But

can

I

you a few quick points that seem to be indicated here.

For instance the Rolls-Royce. The wish explains the dream. You wish to give the appearance of a guy entitled

And

to a Rolls-Royce.

and

erect.

A palm

the palm trees.

tree

as

is

They grow

tall, stiff,

near to a phallic reference as

anything you can dream about."

"So

far," I said,

"so good."

"Uncle Rosie. Was he your uncle?" "No."

"Then hes the uncle everybody wishes he could Ve

known

better."

"Charlie,

youVe

"A dream

more

is

scious intercourse.

my mail."

readin'

revealing than any form of con-

Now what

about Robert Louis Steven-

son? You liked Treasure Island?'^ *'Dr Jekyll

"This

is

and

Mr

Hyde.

"

a dream analysis, not psychoanalysis.

Now the

thought he might

small Aryan child

is

be you, but now

think he's determined to always stand in

the

I

a problem. At

way of your complete

happiness. His destiny

you miserable. But did he lated as a baby?

first I

inherit this role?

How does

he know you're a Jew?

other imaginary car a Mercedes? Anyway, back, let

is

if

to

Was he

keep

inocuIs

your

the kid comes

me know."

"If the kid

comes back

I

may be

calling

from the

Pil-

grim State Mental Hospital." "No, seriously," said Charlie,

hope

for the future. Especially the

palm

trees."

248

"it's

a

palm

dream of

great

trees. I like the

GOD BLESS JOHN WAYNE "They speak very highly of you."

"By the way, lovely

— name

this place

you describe

—

^what

is it?

"The Road of the Loving Hearts?" "Thats

you

is this:

it,"

said Charlie. "But the question

Do you

actually

know whether

I

have for

or not this road

?**

really exists

and

I

took a measured puff on the cigar and then the cat

I

watched the blue smoke

ward the lesbian dance "Charlie,"

I said,

drift

class.

"you

tell

me."

249

dreamily upward to-

I

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Dear Occupant: The author would hke to express his deep gratitude to all the people who've helped him in his life, including those who have died and gone to Jesus, many of whom have reported that He looks a little like Andy Gibb. As far as the living are concerned, and you know who you are, thanks for the Hawaiian coffee, the Cuban cigars, the encouragement, and, in some cases, the valid criticism. The author does not take valid criticism well and it often causes him to become highly agitato, plunging him into prolonged periods of petulance and pique, not to mention alHteration. All this notwithstanding, much of the blame must be placed squarely on the shoulders of the usual suspects:

who

Esther "Lobster" Newberg, literary agent par excellence, loves

me more

than she loves anyone except Ted Williams and Bobby

Kennedy 'The Kinkster

will

soon be

fartin'

through

silk," says

Lob-

ster;

Chuck Adams, in,

what

editor extraordinaire,

to take out,

and when

months of working intensely with Jackie myself.

Chuck

is

now

who knows what

to leave

to take a spiritual niin check. After Collins, Charlton Heston,

going over manuscripts

for the Bewildered;

251

at

the Bandera

and

Home

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Don

me

who

Imus,

me with

got

Esther, got

me with Chuck, and got

many years ago when I noticed several my semen. Upon observing this singular phenome-

expert medical advice

drops of blood non,

called

I

that the date

the case.

in

Imus on

goodbye.

to say

my

The Baby Jesus, who,

Churchill,

wanted

was, quite naturally, convinced

I

carton had expired. That, however, was not to be

me

I

understand, looks a

to live so

could share

I

little like

this rather

Winston poignant

personal experience with you. Gentile Reader. Imuss doctor merely

prescribed that

from overly zealous, Dylan Thomas-like

refrain

I

two weeks.

gratification for at least

my illness. my life.

able to whip nal role in

I

self-

complied, and was eventually

Imus, of course, continues to maintain a semi-

some very important women whom I have on a fairly regular basis. None of them has brought me grief. Yet. They are as follows: Joann Di Gennaro, Maya Rutherford, Amy Marmer, Simon & Schuster Publicity Depart-

rd

also like to thank

professional intercourse with

ment;

Amanda

Beesley,

I.

CM.;

Lori

Ames

Stuart, Jane

He Relations; Cheryl Weinstein, Chuck Adams's Also a tip of the old

and Elisa helping to

And

Petrini at

yamaha on my head

Bantam Books

make the Kinkster finally,

to

a household nerd.

before these acknowledgments begin to cut into

nating conversation

ticle in

azine.

what she

I

had

last

from a rather

calls

her bible and what the rest of us

The newsflash concerned one of the members

all

me

call

think, banzai dick?"

"Waste of a lighthouse,"

I

said.

252

from an

ar-

People mag-

of the band

his palatial rock-star residence

attendant publicity, into a lighthouse.

"What do you

my

illumi-

week with the gorgeous Stephanie

in the process of reading out loud to

who'd recently forsaken with

Irwyn Applebaum

for playing such an integral part in

cocktail hour, I'd like to pass along a bare snippet

DuPont. She was

Wesman Pub-

office.

U2

and moved,

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kinky Friedman, former leader of the band The Texas Jewboys, hves on a ranch in the Texas Hill Country with

two dogs, two

and one armadillo.

cats,

He

is

the author

of eight internationally acclaimed mystery novels and six

country music albums. His

American songs that that

to Another.

latest

Whenever

CD

made him infamous and

made him

is

possible,

From One Good he

still

respectable.

Join the Kinky

On

Friedman Crime Club! the Internet:

kfccl

or

call:

@ aol.com 210-966-2496

or write to us with your quill pen:

P.O. Box 571 Utopia,

TX

U.S.A.

sings the

reads from the books

78884

Edgar and American mystery award-winning AimtoR

DAVIftr

HAHDLER "When

it

comes

to digging

up the

dirt, there's

nobody

quite hke natty ghostwriter Stewart *Hoagy' Hoag. ... As

amusing

bitchily

as

eavesdropping

Hoag was

Once Stewart "Hoagy"

at

Spago."

—

People

the toast of the publishing

world and the husband of luscious Broadway beauty Merilee

Nash. But fame and fortune

Now Hoagy

as Merilee.

memoirs and

celebrity

him

left

as swiftly

and

surely

ekes out a living as a ghostwriter of

reluctant amateur detective, aided by

Lulu, his cat-food-eating basset hound.

THE MAN

WHO

CANCELLED HIMSELF

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to the detective novel what to rock and roll: a gleeful gadfly who delights in offending purists.. ..There's just no stopping him. And who wants to?'' *'Kinky Friedman

Frank Zappa

is

is

—People Since

Sam Spade, no

charmed to see

private investigator has been

—

door and country singers turned amateur detectives are no exception. That goes double for deadbeats who are their friends. So when Ratso longtime pal, assistant crime solver, and notorious nonpayer comes to Kinky with a a deadbeat client darken his

—

—

case of his own, the Kinkster is reluctant to take it on. But if there's one thing a country singer relates to, it's mamas, and it's his long-lost birth mother that adoptee Ratso is seeking.The case turns sour in a hurry, and soon it gets hard to tell the murder victims from the suspects. One thing's for certain: Kinky would rather have a deadbeat for a client than be a dead dick. "Brash, crass and colorful."

—Houston

Chronicle

"How

is this mystery writer different from all other mystery writers?.. .We don't read him, for instance, to find out what happens next. We read — him to find out how far he will go."

iiiii:;

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$5.50

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