L L Collins (Jaded Regret 1) Snared

Snared Copyright © LL Collins 2016 All Rights Reserved

ISBN13: 978–1530294152

Cover Design by: Marisa Shor at Cover Me, Darling www.covermedarling.com

Interior Design and Formatting by: Christine Borgford, Perfectly Publishable www.perfectlypublishable.com

Photography by Darren Birks www.darrenbirksphotography.com

Models: Mike Dolbeare and Joanna Warner

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Contact Author LL Collins www.llcollinsauthor.com [email protected]



Table of Contents Snared Dedication AUTHOR NOTE Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty-One Epilogue Acknowledgements Books by L.L. Collins About the Author Playlist for SNARED: A Jaded Regret Novel

To anyone who has ever struggled with mental illness. It may be an invisible illness, but you aren’t invisible and don’t suffer alone. You are beautifully and wonderfully made, and your life has purpose.

AUTHOR NOTE This book contains adult content and language. It also contains topics that could be difficult for some readers, including but not limited to mental illness, mental abuse, and suicide. Please take these sensitive topics into consideration before choosing to read this book. Also, be ready. Beau may wiggle his way into your heart and won’t let go. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. ~Author L.L. Collins

Beau ~ Age 5 I ZOOMED MY cars down the long hallway, loving the way the tires sounded on the wood floor. I glanced back to see where my mom was; she didn’t like it when I pushed too hard. I didn’t hear her in the kitchen or see her in the living room, so I was safe. “You’ll put scratches in the wood, Beau Oliver. Be gentle or don’t play,” she’d always say to me. I used all my strength to see how fast I could get my favorite car to go. It was a red Camaro. I knew that because my daddy taught me all about cars, just like he’d taught me all about drums. I loved playing drums with him. Mommy said he was very talented and I was a lot like him. That made me feel proud because my daddy was awesome. When he was happy, he was so much fun. But right now, he was sick. To Natalie and me, sick meant that Daddy had to be left alone. He didn’t get sick like we did with a fever or a tummy ache. He got the kind of sick that meant he sometimes went away for a few days, or he had to stay in his bed. Sometimes we heard him crying, other times we heard him yelling. Our mom would always have red rings around her eyes like she’d been crying, but she’d never admit to it. She would say she was tired from taking care of Daddy. I didn’t get it, but then again, most things adults talked about I didn’t get. Like my teacher, Ms. Hamilton, trying to teach me how to read. So confusing. Who could understand that all of those letters together made words? Kindergarten was hard work. My favorite car hit my parents’ bedroom door just a little too hard, and I gasped at the loud sound. My insides felt like ice as I waited for someone to yell at me. Where was Natalie? She was always mothering me, too, even though she was only two years older than me. She always let me sleep with her when I was scared, though, so I couldn’t be too mad. The car had pushed the door open a little bit. It must not have been shut all the way. I reached my hand through the small crack and yanked the car back into the hallway. My hand hit the door and pushed it open farther. I held my breath, waiting. The room was dark, and I didn’t hear anything. Maybe Daddy wasn’t in here anymore. Mommy had told us that Daddy was resting and to leave him alone. I stood, my heart thumping so loud in my chest I swore it was going to explode. I had just reached out for the door handle to shut it so I wouldn’t get in trouble when I saw Daddy. He seemed like he was swinging on a homemade swing. Except it was around his neck. He was hanging from the closet door. His eyes didn’t see me. His arms didn’t reach out to me. His mouth didn’t move. His feet dangled in the air. A piece of paper with a lot of letters laid at his feet. I knew all my letters, but I knew I’d never be able to read what it said. Daddy had bad handwriting.

My hand was frozen on the door handle. My mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. I needed Natalie. Or Mommy. Or both. Daddy was stuck and needed help. He was too still, though. Someone needed to help him down so he could smile at me again. And that was when I started to scream at the top of my lungs, my head understanding what my heart wouldn’t accept.

Beau ~ Age 12 I fought as the guys in white held me down. My head thrashed and my legs kicked, but nothing kept them from injecting me with the needle they’d been holding. My vision blurred as the drugs coursed through my veins. I couldn’t remember what had gotten me here, but I knew I didn’t belong here. “Let me fucking GO! There’s nothing wrong with me!” I slurred, hating that it now seemed like the two of them had turned into four. I lifted my hand to try to get away, but it was too heavy to budge. You’re a fucking monster, just like him, the voices screamed in my head. You deserve this. To be locked up like the animal you are. What did you think, that you were going to have a psycho’s blood running through you and not become just like him? You deserve to die. I hate you. I can’t even stand looking at you. I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood, fighting against the black hole that threatened to suck me down into its abyss. A blurry face appeared before me. It was my mother. Her beady eyes narrowed. I tried to fight against the restraints, but it was futile. I couldn’t move. Maybe she could finish the job and put me out of my misery. I hated my life, anyway. “You should’ve died with him. You’re a monster, Beau. You’re a piece of shit, just like your father. You’re dead to me. You and your worthless sister can have a nice life. If you aren’t too fucking crazy, that is.” Her voice was just low enough for me to hear, because I knew she wouldn’t let anyone else hear the words she spoke. Not even Natalie knew how vicious she was to me. Just as her figure moved away from my bed, I lost the battle with consciousness. The voices subsided from my head, and I succumbed to the relief of blackness. I was twelve years old. My mother hated me. And now I was locked up in a mental institution.

Beau ~ Age 18 “I LIKE YOU,” Robyn whispered against my lips. I was frozen, my heart hammering so hard I swore it was going to come out of my chest. My hands clenched into fists, not knowing what I was supposed to do with them. “W-why?” I’d never kissed a girl before. I’d never let another girl get close enough to even try. Robyn worked with me at the fast food restaurant where I was a cook, and we’d become friends. Well, as much of a friend as I let anyone be. My only friends in the world were Natalie, my sister, and Bex, my foster sister. We lived together in a shitty trailer in an even crappier neighborhood, but it was ours, and we didn’t have to fear anyone would do anything to us inside our walls. It was home. None of our neighbors cared that we wailed on our instruments into the wee hours of the night. We stayed out of their business, and they stayed out of ours. Bex swore we were going to make it someday—out of that trailer park and doing what we loved. I wasn’t sure I believed it, but I never told her that. I’d lived for the last six years hiding inside my head to shelter myself from letting anyone get close. Hell, my mother hadn’t wanted me, so why would anyone else? Robyn was hot. It wasn’t that I didn’t have desires, I just refused to act on any of them. If I never opened up, I’d never get hurt. That was easy enough. But Robyn never cared that I hardly spoke or that I refused most of her invitations to go out and do something together. I guessed I was good looking enough. I had dark hair and dark eyes, and I liked to work out—though my body wasn’t anything spectacular. I wanted tattoos and piercings, but that wasn’t in the budget yet. Someday I’d make enough money to do more than feed myself. This time, she’d convinced me to go to the theater to see a total guy movie. I knew she didn’t care about seeing it, but she’d wanted me to go out with her. Natalie had been shocked when I’d told her I was going with Robyn, but then got all misty-eyed and said she was proud of me. She was twenty years old but acted like she was my mother. I guess she had been for a long time. “Because you aren’t like most guys,” Robyn said. “You don’t come onto me and try to get into my pants. You’re quiet, shy, and respectful. Girls like that, you know.” No, I didn’t know. My throat was dry as her breath wafted over my lips. I could smell her perfume or shampoo or something. If I moved just a little, we’d be kissing. For the first time, I wanted to kiss someone. I wanted to do more than kissing. My dick stirred. It wasn’t like I was a prude or anything. My hand got plenty of exercise.

“I scare you, don’t I?” Robyn said. The movie was playing, and I could hear guns shooting and see the flicker of action across Robyn’s face, but I didn’t care. The theater was almost empty, and we were at the top of the rows, alone. I wanted to do things with her. Things I’d never done before. “Yes,” I admitted. “Why?” I shrugged. How could I tell her the truth? Thankfully, she didn’t make me answer, because before I could try to come up with a response, she pressed her full lips to mine, absorbing the gasp that involuntarily came out of my mouth. Her warm tongue danced along the seam of my lips, and I found myself opening up, groaning as she made me come alive. I put my hands on either side of her face and pulled her closer, sucking her tongue into my mouth like I knew what I was doing. She moved the armrest in between us and moved closer, her body pressing into mine. She was good at this. Not that I’d know the difference, but it sure seemed like she was. Did she know I’d never kissed anyone before? Did I suck at this? She didn’t appear to mind, so I kept going. My dick was fully awake and active now, pressing painfully against my pants. What the hell was I doing? When her hand traveled down my abs and to the button on my pants, I stiffened. She noticed and pulled back, her eyes finding mine in the darkness of the theater. “Do you want me?” What the hell kind of question was that? My body wanted her, yes, but my mind was running away. How could I tell her I’d never done this before? “I . . .” “Let’s get out of here. My roommate isn’t home. I want to show you something.” Show me something? I followed her out of the theater; her fingers entwined with mine. I examined our hands, her small one in mine, and I wondered if this was what it was supposed to feel like. Attraction. Lust.

I rolled over and opened my eyes, squinting as I took in the surroundings. Where the hell was I? My mind reeled, the pieces starting to click together from last night when I felt movement next to me. I’d never woken up next to someone before. Hell, I’d never had sex with anyone before. Wait. That wasn’t true anymore. I’d fucked Robyn. Several times, in fact. After I’d blown like the novice first-timer I was within thirty seconds of seeing her naked, I’d summoned him back to life several other times and Robyn had blown my mind. Literally. That girl was . . . good. I knew the way she wrapped her mouth around me and brought me to the edge and then sank herself on top of me that it wasn’t her first rodeo. She hadn’t cared that it had, in fact, been mine. She’d been patient and taught me a lot. By the time we passed out, I had thought I might never be the same again. “Someone is awake,” Robyn purred, her hand finding my rock hard wood. My eyes rolled at her touch. This is what I’ve been missing all these years. Before I could realize what she was doing, she flung the sheet back and took me entirely into her mouth, sucking me so hard I swore I’d shoot in her

mouth before we even got started. “Mmmm,” she murmured. I gripped her hair, guiding her as my hips flexed involuntarily. She was naked, her breasts brushing against me as she moved. I’d never touched a woman until last night, but holy fuck was it amazing. I ran my fingers along her smooth back and down to her ass. She squirmed as I reached between her legs and touched her, sliding two fingers into her wetness. She groaned against my dick, apparently liking what I was doing. Who knew I could please her? I knew I was going to come soon and wanted to do it while inside her. I lifted her head gently, and she got the hint. “Do you . . . like it from behind?” The only time I’d ever seen this was in porn, but I’d always wanted to try it. She grinned, turning her body so she was on all fours. I’d take that as a yes. She looked back at me, watching as I guided myself into her wet entrance. “Oh, Beauuuu,” she said, making my name several syllables. “You sure you’ve never done this before? Because, hell, you’re awesome.” There was no more talking as we both chased our release. After I had spilled myself into her again, I cleaned up and kissed her swiftly, needing to head to work. She was off today, so I thought maybe she’d want to see me again. I was hooked on her in just this short time. I needed to be inside her, kiss her, lay with her. It was a feeling I’d never had before, but I liked it. Robyn kissed me when I left, and had I known it was the last time I’d ever see her, I might’ve made it a little more memorable.

Beau ~ Present I TAPPED THE drumsticks on my leg, my eyes closed and my head nodding as I worked through the lyrics Bex and I had written and finalized just a few days ago. We were going to start rehearsing it this afternoon, but my head wasn’t in the game yet. I’d had a fucking therapy session today, and it had rattled me more than I would admit to anyone. I fucking hated going, but it was a necessary evil in my life. I knew enough to know what would happen if I didn’t keep up with it. That and the damn medicine that kept my head straight. She’d asked me all the typical questions: How are you doing with the new pressure on you? Are you as fine as you pretend to be? Are you letting people in? The answer to those questions was always the same—to her, anyway. “I’m more than fine. I love my new life, and I’m trying my hardest to let people in. I’d tried going on a date last month, and she didn’t run away screaming.” The truth was far from that, though, and she knew it. I hadn’t been on a date, well . . . ever, and even when I’d been interested in getting to know someone for the first time since Robyn, it had fizzled before it got started. While being one of the hottest new rock bands in the country was fucking awesome, I had no idea how to handle the attention the fame had given me. I’d always been a quiet guy that kept to myself, but now people wanted to talk to me. People I didn’t know. Girls wanted to fuck me. And I had no idea how to handle any of that. I didn’t need to practice the drums on my leg anymore. I’d had to do that when we lived in the shitty apartment. Now, Natalie and I had purchased our own home together and had the garage outfitted with soundproof walls so I could practice whenever I wanted, but it was a hard habit to break. It was a ritual at this point. The door swung open and Natalie breezed in, her blond hair flying behind her. Her hands were full of bags and I got up to help her. She was the one thing in my life that made sense, other than Bex and the band. “Thanks,” she said. “What are you doing? Ready for practice today? How was therapy?” Leave it to my sister to bombard me with questions without taking a breath. I shook my head, a laugh rumbling in my chest. “Breathe, Nat.” She laughed. “Sorry. I’m all over the place this afternoon.” I know the feeling. “I had a phone conference with Allan on the way home.” Allan was our rep at the label that had signed our band, Jaded Regret, a few years back after our tour with Halestorm.

“Oh? And?” I rubbed my short beard, waiting for her answer. I knew he was working with Natalie on our new tour schedule, which had been put on hold while Bex and Johnny had their new baby and spent time adjusting to being a family of four. There was nothing like playing with Lennox and holding baby Jaden to realize there was still good in the world. To see Bex happy satisfied me like I never thought possible. That girl had had a shitty life, too, much like Nat and me. She was a bitch with a capital B before Johnny came along, and while they “dated,” or whatever you wanted to call that clusterfuck. Don’t get me wrong, she still had her moments when her inner bitch came roaring out, but Johnny had calmed her. Or maybe being a mom had calmed her. Whatever it was, it looked good on her. Her face was relaxed, and when she smiled, she lit up a room. She’d immediately become America’s Rock Sweetheart, and once she and Johnny were married and had kids? Hell, she was practically idolized. It didn’t hurt she was married to Johnny, either. He had women falling at his feet in droves, but the only one he ever had eyes for was Bex. When he joined Jaded Regret after Ryver went back to Mexico to live with his mom, our popularity went even further through the roof. I guess the women thought he was hot or something and ate up their love story like their favorite romance novel. We’d been featured on the cover of Rolling Stone because of them. It was good PR, as Allan would say. “Beau.” Natalie’s hand on my arm made my eyes snap to hers, and I realized she had been talking to me while I zoned out. “Sorry. What did Allan say?” Her brow furrowed. Natalie being the only family I had, other than the band, made her fiercely protective of me. She had been ever since I was twelve years old and she was fourteen and we’d been on our own in a foster care system that cared little about the children in it. “How was therapy today?” “Nat.” She rarely got me to talk about it, which I knew was unfair because she was the one who had to deal with me more than anyone else. After we had become successful, I’d wanted her to get her own place, and she’d vehemently disagreed. She wanted to be here, or she felt obligated to be. I hated the fact she put her life on hold for me, and I knew she wasn’t without her own issues from our childhood, not that she would confide any of them in me. She was a beautiful woman and had not only dedicated her life to managing our band, but also taking care of her fuck up of a brother. She deserved her own happiness: a husband, kids, and a normal life. “Did you take your meds?” Natalie flitted over to the counter to check the pill container she set out every week with my morning and evening meds. “Natalie,” I gritted my teeth. “I’m fucking fine, okay?” She whipped around so fast she almost gave me whiplash. “Don’t you start with me, Beau Oliver. I know what it’s like when you decide not to take your meds for a few days, so forgive me if I’m asking. Now, how the hell was therapy?” She crossed her arms in front of her chest and set her jaw, the look I knew meant Natalie wouldn’t take any more shit. I sighed, reaching up and twisting the small ring in my nose. It was a nervous habit, and she knew it. “It was good, Nat. I’m sorry I’m a dick. We’re doing the new stuff at practice this afternoon, and I think

I’m just preoccupied.” She narrowed her eyes, reading me like only she could. “I have some great news, but I’ll tell you at practice with everyone.” It was my turn to narrow my eyes at her. “What the fuck?” She laughed, turning to pull groceries out of the bags I’d helped her bring in. “Payback is a bitch, little bro. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair if I told you and not everyone else.” “Uh, yes, it would. I’m your brother.” She wagged her finger at me, then turned back and put away her staples: salad mix and veggies. I swore the girl was going to blow away if she didn’t eat something more than rabbit food. “One of these days I’m going to hold you down and force feed you a hamburger.” She shook her head and laughed, but I was serious. While she was drop dead gorgeous, she was too damn skinny. “I’m going out to the garage to warm up before practice,” I said, turning to walk out of the kitchen. “Tanner said he would drop by,” Natalie announced. I knew she had a crush on Tanner and had since the second she met him. I loved the boy like a brother, but he wouldn’t get anywhere near my sister with that dick if it were the last thing I did. Tanner seemed the absolute opposite of a rocker. He was our All-American boy who had women throwing thong panties on the stage at him. He looked like he could’ve been the quarterback of the high school football team nailing the head cheerleader, but Tanner could play a kick ass bass guitar. He had not a tattoo or a piercing anywhere. We swore we were going to corrupt him someday, but he still refused. When she saw the expression on my face, she waved me away. “Stop it, Beau.” “You deserve better than someone who sticks his dick in anything that walks.” Natalie laughed. “Beau. Seriously, stop. I’m not doing anything with Tanner.” “But you want to.” At a glance, he and Natalie would be amazing together. They both looked like they just stepped out of a preppy magazine. She’d been approached to model over the years, although she had turned it down to keep managing our band. But the number of girls I’d seen him take into bathrooms, back rooms, tour buses, and God knows what else over the last few years made me never want to see him touch Natalie in any way. “Go practice. You sound paranoid.” I didn’t miss the blush on her cheeks as she turned away, though.

“How the fuck are ya, man?” Johnny fist bumped me as I passed him. “Hangin’ in there, man. How are the kids?” Johnny’s eyes found Bex, just as he always did anytime she was around. She sat on a stool, tuning her guitar and warming up her voice, her toe tapping on the ground. “The most amazing fucking thing I’ve ever

had, bro. I can’t believe I get her and those two precious babies.” I cleared my throat, not liking the emotion he brought out in me. I didn’t want a wife and kids, not now and not ever, but seeing the way he looked at Bex made funny things happen to me. Bex, at one time, had been my foster sister in the shithole we’d both been placed in, but now she was so much more. When we’d left the home with Natalie, and she’d wanted to start a band, I never thought we’d be where we are now. I’ve loved to drum for as long as I could remember, having been handed drumsticks as young as one year old to bang with my dad on his set. I now know he played to keep the demons away, because it was the same reason I did. “I bet Jaden is getting big,” I remarked, trying to rid my mind of those impending thoughts about my dad. “Does Lennox still love him?” Johnny put the strap of his guitar over his head and began strumming the strings. “She loves him too much. She thinks she’s his second mommy. It’s adorable, but Bex is always worried she’s going to try to pick him up or something.” Bex turned, and a small smirk played on her lips. “You talking about me over there?” Johnny smirked back at her. “What if I am? What are you going to do about it?” Tanner groaned from behind me. “Please don’t start. If I walk into a room one more time and find you two going at it . . .” We all laughed, one because Tanner saying that was ironic seeing as how all of us had seen his ass at one time or another, and two because it was true. Johnny and Bex were always sucking face or being obvious about what other activities they were doing. The door to the studio slammed, and Natalie breezed in, stopping the ribbing of Johnny and Bex’s love life. The expression on her face stopped everyone from talking. She flung her purse on a chair and turned to us, a smile taking up her whole face. “I have news.” “We gathered,” Bex said, laughter in her voice. “I take it that it’s good news?” “Fabulous,” Natalie said. She pulled a pack of papers out of her large purse and walked toward us. “I talked to Allan earlier.” Johnny stepped up next to Bex and slung his arm over her shoulders. You could hear a pin drop as we waited for Natalie to fill us in. “Today, Nat,” Tanner said, his hands on his hips. Natalie glanced over at Bex. “There’s this huge benefit in Orlando next month.” Orlando was only a few hours from us, so that meant whatever they wanted us to do we wouldn’t have to go far. “They’re building a children’s hospital and want a band to headline their fundraiser. It’ll be an outdoor concert on the site of the hospital. They’ll be doing tours of what they’ve done so far, as well as explaining what else needs to be done.” “They want a rock band?” Bex asked. “For a children’s hospital?” We weren’t hearts and flowers. “You guys were asked for specifically,” Natalie said, her voice giddy. “Why?” Bex was skeptical, and I could understand why. While we were well known now, it was still hard for us to believe we were wanted for things like

this. Hell, over the last two years, we’d had to hire security, which was way beyond our wildest dreams. Bex and Johnny had a full-time bodyguard named Heath. He made Johnny appear small, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. The two of them were widely recognized everywhere they went. Heath stood outside our studio right now, his beefy arms crossed in a “don’t fuck with me” kind of way. If I covered my signature tattoos and wore a hat, I could still get away without being recognized sometimes. I didn’t like security and only took it when I had to. “I guess the doctor heading up this hospital has a daughter who’s a huge fan. She’s the one that contacted Allan.” “I still don’t get it,” Bex said. Natalie smiled again. “His daughter knows you are a huge advocate of children in foster care, Bex. She’s done her homework on your contributions over the last few years. She’s a social worker with the state, and she’s using this benefit not only as a huge fundraiser for her dad’s children’s hospital, but also to raise awareness about the number of kids in foster care.” I glanced over at Bex, watching as her throat worked. Johnny pulled her closer and whispered something in her ear. It wasn’t often Bex showed emotion, but I could read it all over her face. My gut clenched at the thought of the countless kids in the foster care system, just like we had been, wishing for families. My sister and I had been lucky in comparison to Bex and many others. While we hadn’t gotten families out of the deal, at least we hadn’t been abused while in the system. Hell, Nat and I had been more abused by our own family. I couldn’t say the same for Bex, however. “Allan wants us to do it?” Bex finally said. Natalie nodded. “It’s great PR.” Bex narrowed her eyes at Natalie. “I don’t give a fuck about PR. Allan can shove it up his lily white ass. If we do this, we do it because Jaded Regret can play a small part in helping these children find homes with people who love them, because the kids need a good hospital, or both.” Natalie’s eyes widened at Bex’s outburst, but this wasn’t unusual. Bex hated when Allan, or anyone else, tried to say we should do something for PR and not just to help a cause. “I know, Bex. But you know Allan is all about building our name.” “Our name is just fine. If we do this, it isn’t about us. It’s about those kids.” Bex turned to us. “What do you guys think?” “It sounds great,” Johnny agreed. “I’m in,” Tanner said. “Maybe I need to meet this doctor’s daughter. I can give her the backstage tour of Jaded Regret.” We all groaned, and I watched as Natalie’s eyes glanced away before fixing them back on him. “The only type of tour you’ll be giving her will be supervised.” He laughed, and we all knew it didn’t matter what Natalie told him. That man’s brain was run by his dick. “Oh yeah? Do you want to ‘supervise,’ Nat? Ooh, that sounds like a good time.” My blood pressure skyrocketed as Natalie blushed. I tampered down the urge to beat his head in for insinuating that about my sister, choosing instead to tap my drumsticks against my legs, the rhythm

immediately soothing me. When I lifted my gaze, they were all staring at me. I shrugged. “You know whatever you guys want is fine with me.” I didn’t like to rock the boat. Plus, they were my band. Where they went, I went. “Go ahead and let him book it,” Bex said to Natalie. “It’s next month? Isn’t that short notice?” Natalie nodded. “Yeah. He told me they are at a critical point in their fundraising and need something rather quickly to get people motivated to give. April came up with this idea, and they were trying to make it happen with us. I guess it’s good we aren’t planning to schedule our tour quite yet.” “Well, then we need to get to work on our new stuff,” Bex said, turning back and picking up her guitar. “If they want a show, we’re going to give them one. We’ll make it exclusive, so make sure they know we will play songs never before heard. That should help with their ticket price and crowd. Make sure Allan pays the big bucks for advertising and help them out. You know he’s a cheapskate on that shit.” I opened my mouth to object that maybe we wouldn’t be ready yet, but I snapped it shut. Bex would work us to the bone for the next month to make sure we were. “You got it, boss,” Natalie joked. “I’m going to my office to work my magic. You guys work your magic in here. Make me proud.” She flipped her hair, and with one last glance at Tanner, she left the room. Natalie needed to find a man who would treat her like the queen she was and stop wishing for Tanner to throw her a bone.

Beau I TURNED IN my bed, squinting my eyes at the bright morning light. What the hell was I doing awake so early? The clock read just after nine in the morning, which put me at a whopping four hours of sleep. My dick was hard as a rock under the covers, but I ignored it. Just like that, visions of Robyn flinging back the sheet and sucking me all those years ago flooded back. I didn’t often let myself think of her, but sometimes the memories came without warning. She’d been the only girl I’d ever slept with, had ever let that close to me, and she’d disappeared off the face of the earth after our one night together. I sometimes wondered where she was and what had happened to make her leave and never contact me again, but thinking of that just solidified what I already thought of myself—I didn’t have any business getting close to anyone in that way. The one time I let down my guard, and that’s what happened. Sex with my hand was enough. At least then I couldn’t hurt anyone but myself, and they couldn’t hurt me. The pain in my head was enough to bear. Rolling over and standing up, I stretched. My arms were sore from drumming so much over the last few weeks. We had practiced for the twentieth night in a row until two in the morning. Bex was a fucking slave driver, but it would be worth it. Our new sets were fucking awesome. When I’d gotten home, I’d been wired, so Nat and I had watched a movie before crashing. We were leaving in a week to go to Orlando. We’d get there a few days ahead of time to rehearse and get settled. We’d found out Young Angels Children’s Hospital was being built to honor Dr. Knight’s deceased daughter, Lucia, who had died from a brain tumor when she was just four years old. Dr. Knight was a world renowned neurologist who specialized in brain tumors. His daughter, April, was the social worker and the reason for us headlining the fundraiser. We would meet her and her parents at a welcome dinner the night we arrive. I wondered if him becoming a neurologist had been because of Lucia, or had he already been one? Had he missed his daughter’s tumor and that’s what kept him going, to try never to let that happen again? I attempted to imagine what it would be like to lose a child, but it was so far outside my realm of understanding I simply couldn’t. The only experience I had with parents was my father killing himself and my mother locking me in a mental institution when I was twelve, dropping Natalie with our neighbor, and leaving forever. We had no idea if she was still alive or not. Suffice it to say, I hadn’t a clue what it was like to have people dedicated to loving you through

anything. After my dad had died—when I was only five years old—things had gone to shit. When I’d found him, it had changed me. My mind hadn’t been able to wrap around what I’d seen, so I’d just shut down. At first, my mom cared about taking me to see therapists and talking to me, trying to get through to me. But after a few years of my silence and refusal to let her in, she’d given up. Once I started exhibiting signs of mental illness like my dad, she’d turned to verbally abusing me. She’d lash out when she was tired of dealing with my issues and saying I was going to end up just like my father, a worthless moron who couldn’t do anything. She constantly reminded me he’d killed himself so he wouldn’t have to be around us. Natalie would wrap herself around me at night and talk to me, talk until I fell asleep having not said a word to her. She’d tell me she loved me, that Mommy was just sad about losing Daddy, how Mommy didn’t mean to be mean to me, and that no matter what, I’d always have my big sister there to protect me. But I’d always thought her logic was fucked up—I was a boy, the man of the house. I should be there for her. Anytime I’d say that to her as a child or teenager, she would roll her eyes at me and tell me to shut up, tell me how she was the big sister and it was her job. Hell, she’d probably say that now. I remembered my first mental breakdown like it was yesterday. I’d been eight years old and at school when a feeling I still couldn’t explain came over me. It was like my brain had just revolted against me and took over, causing me to pick up and throw chairs, scream, cry, and fight with anyone who came into contact with me. My mom had taken me to the hospital that day. The doctors put me on meds and encouraged her to admit me to an inpatient center. She’d refused to admit me, but took the drugs, saying I just needed to stop acting like a “spoiled fucking brat.” She’d then locked me in my room for the week I was suspended from school, opening the door only to give me the pills that quieted my head and give me food. I sat up, forcing the thoughts away. I hated thinking about that shit. There was nothing I could do about it, so why continue to think about it? I grabbed my pill bottle and water, and downed my three morning pills. Natalie didn’t like it when I called them my Crazy Pills, but it was just to make light of it. Though there was nothing light about it, and we both knew it. It was just my way of coping with the shit that encompassed me.

“You know I fucking hate wearing a shirt and tie,” I grumbled as my sister adjusted said tie. “This wasn’t part of the deal.” “Stop whining, Beau. You’re handsome as hell. Plus, we have to meet Dr. Knight and his family tonight to kick off the fundraising event. They sold tickets to this meet and greet for over a thousand dollars a head!” “We’re rockers, Nat.” I fought the urge to take the tie and throw it across the room. “We don’t fucking wear suits.”

“Tonight you do.” Natalie stepped back and smiled at me. “You look like a hot executive, Beau. I could get used to seeing my handsome brother all fancy every day.” I furrowed my brow. “Over my dead body,” I said. “Nat, you are breathtaking tonight, though.” And she was. She was wearing a gold, sparkly form-fitting dress with heels I couldn’t fathom ever having to take one step in. Her blond hair was curled around her shoulders, and her makeup was heavier than usual. I thought the girl was fucking beautiful with no makeup and a ratty T-shirt, but she would turn heads tonight. I wasn’t sure I wanted her to turn as many heads as she would. “Thank you, Beau. That means a lot to me.” She kissed me quickly on the cheek. “Ready?” Natalie grabbed a small purse and tucked it under her arm. The dinner to kick off the fundraiser was being held in the ballroom of the hotel. It was just down the street from the hospital, where we’d put on the concert tomorrow. “Let’s get this over with,” I said, holding my arm out for her. We made our way to the elevator. Just as the doors were about to close, a familiar hand stopped the door. As it reopened, my jaw dropped at the sight of Johnny and Bex stepping into the elevator. “You could all be on the cover of GQ magazine,” Natalie commented. “Would you look at you rockers, all cleaned up.” Bex was wearing a tight black sequined dress with a slit up one leg. Her long hair was piled on top of her head. Her makeup was dark and edgy, the only part of her that resembled Bex. Johnny was in a monkey suit like me, his hair perfectly styled. “I hate this fucking suit,” Johnny said, making me nod in agreement. “Good thing the second I saw Bex in that dress, it hit the floor and I was bending her over the—” “Johnny!” Bex interrupted. “Are you fucking serious?” “What?” Johnny wiggled his eyebrows at us. “I can’t help it that you are the fucking sexiest woman on this planet.” “They are my siblings!” Bex sighed, turning back to us. “Who would’ve thought, right? All of us dressed like professionals and shit. Where’s Tanner?” I cringed. God only knows who Tanner had found. “Haven’t seen him since we finished rehearsing earlier.” Tanner had his own room, which was dangerous to the women of Orlando. The elevator door opened, and we all stepped out, heading down the long hallway to the ballroom. Soft classical music pumped out of the open doors, and men and women dressed in formal attire like us milled around, drinks in their hands. Servers scuttled between them, switching out empty drinks for full ones and making sure everything was pristine. This was completely outside of my realm. Tanner stood just outside the main doors of the ballroom in deep conversation with a breathtaking blonde. She had her hand on his forearm, and he his eyes crinkled at her in his All-American way. The way that made panties fall. Hell, for all we knew, he could’ve already had her panties in his suit jacket. Bex saw him at the same time I did, and we made our way in his direction. He spotted us immediately and grinned. “There you guys are! Holy shit! Someone needs to take a picture of us all dressed up like prim and proper socialites. Honey, would you take one with my phone?”

I knew he called her “honey” because he didn’t have a clue what her name was—if she’d even told him one. She laughed and took his phone. “Only if we can have a selfie first. I can’t believe I’m meeting Jaded Regret! That’s so awesome!” Before any of us could say a word, she held her phone up and smiled, forcing us all to cooperate with her selfie. Once “honey” took a photo of just the band with Tanner’s phone, Bex gave him the look he knew meant lose the girl. He made an excuse about catching up with her later and walked over to us. “Seriously,” Bex bitched. “Do you have any standards?” “What?” Tanner watched as “honey” sauntered away. She peered back every few seconds to see if Tanner was watching, which he was, of course. “Did she suck your dick already, or are you planning that for later? I guess it doesn’t matter how annoying one is when their mouth is busy.” Bex’s direct words sent me into a coughing fit. She never minced them; that was for damn sure. “You want to know about my action, Bex?” He turned to Johnny. “Johnny, you don’t satisfy the woman enough so she wants to know about me? You wanna watch, Bex?” Tanner always played with fire, and playing with Johnny would only get him burned. “For your information, Tan, I fucked my wife six ways to Sunday on our bathroom counter, in the shower, while she was bent over the couch in our room and—” Tanner held up his hand. “Just kidding. You can stop now.” “Don’t you ever ask my wife if she wants to watch you fuck someone,” Johnny said. “Okay.” Natalie stepped in between them. “Boys, put away your dicks. You both have big ones, all right? We’re at a dinner and are the guests of honor. This isn’t the time. They’re ready for us to go in.” We fell in step behind Natalie, all of us silent in our thoughts. Sometimes I considered my life now and wondered whose life I was leading. I mean, all of this was because Bex and I decided to put together a band after we left the foster care system. We started it as a way to exercise our demons, and now it had become our whole life. We had more money than we’d ever thought possible, were recognized all over the country, had best-selling albums and a headlining tour coming up. All because two fucked-up kids played music together and asked a few others to do it with us. “This way,” Natalie said, leading us all to a table near the front of the room. She must’ve recognized one of them because she waved as we approached. None of us had met any of the Knights yet, so we had no idea who we were watching for. “Dr. and Mrs. Knight, this is Jaded Regret.” Natalie beamed, turning back to us. “Bexley BryantGibbons, her husband, Johnny, my brother, Beau Anderson, and Tanner Hart.” A tall and fit older man smiled at us as he stood, followed by a beautiful woman who must’ve been his wife. She was tall and slender with blond hair, diamonds dripping from her ears, neck, and fingers. I thought back to my simple mother, who wore only T-shirts and jeans, never any makeup or curled hair. “What an honor to meet you.” He shook each of our hands. “Thank you so much for doing this benefit for our hospital. Because of you, we’ll be able to finish the last phase and get it open to our families.”

“It’s our pleasure,” Bex said, shaking hands with Mrs. Knight. “We’re glad we can help.” “Our daughter spoke so highly of not only your band, but also your charity work with foster children in the state of Florida,” Dr. Knight said. “We couldn’t possibly pass up the opportunity to get to meet you.” He glanced around the room. “I’m so sorry; I’m not sure where April is right now. She’s co-chairing the event, so I’m sure she’s running around putting out last minute fires. Please, sit and enjoy the dinner. We’ll be starting soon.” “Sounds great. We can’t wait to meet April,” Bex said, always the diplomatic voice of our band. Imagine that. Bex could be . . . charming . . . when she wanted to be. Natalie indicated for us to sit at the large table. I ended up next to the empty seat, which must’ve been for Dr. Knight’s daughter, April. Great. Just what I wanted to do, make small talk with a socialite I had nothing in common with all night. Natalie would better fill this seat. My sister was great at that stuff; hence, the reason she was our manager. Just when I was about to whisper to Natalie to switch seats with me, I saw the same blonde Tanner had been talking to in the lobby walking up with two other women. It seemed as though they were headed right for our table. Oh, no. If Tanner’s floozy started propositioning him at the table with Dr. Knight and his wife, Bex would lose her ever loving shit. I could only imagine what would happen then. My gut clenched as they stopped at the table. But then Dr. Knight smiled and stood. “Oh, April! You’re just in time. Jaded Regret is here!” Oh, shit. Tanner’s conquest was April? His eyes widened as he realized “honey” was right behind us, standing so close I could smell her perfume. But then the dark-haired woman standing next to “honey” stepped forward, her smile directed right at us. My breath caught. She was . . . stunning. Her dark hair was swept up into some kind of twist, and she wore long earrings that touched her shoulders. She was dressed in a form-fitting black dress with silver accents around her low-cut neckline. But it was when my gaze reached her face that I swore the temperature in the room rose fifteen degrees. Her skin was porcelain and flawless, her eyes wide and accented by dark makeup. They were a light, unique, bright gold color that I’d never seen before. “Nice to meet you,” she said, holding her hand out to Bex, who had stood up. We all followed suit. My throat dried out and my hands began to sweat. I wiped them on my suit pants, willing myself to knock it the hell off. So what, she was gorgeous. I had beautiful women around me all the time. “I’m a huge fan.” “Thank you,” Bex said. “It’s great to meet you. We’re honored to be here. This is my husband, Johnny.” April’s eyes widened as she got the “Johnny effect,” as we called it. “So surreal for you all to be standing here,” she gushed. “I can’t thank you enough for doing this.” Bex nodded. “This is Tanner, our manager, Natalie, and her brother, Beau.” April shook their hands and then turned to me. Her eyes met mine, and I swore someone punched me in the stomach. She reached her hand out, and I took it, shaking it as quickly as I could so I could stop touching her. “Nice to meet you, Beau.” Her voice was husky, and it made me wonder if she sounded like that with the others. Was I making shit up in my head? That wasn’t unheard of for me to create things in my mind that weren’t there. Natalie cleared her throat beside me, and I broke my gaze from April’s. April seemed to realize her

two friends were still standing behind her, gaping at us. “Guys, these are my friends and co-workers, Camryn and Bella.” Camryn, a.k.a. “honey,” stepped up and shook our hands, although her gaze remained only on Tanner. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Bella shook our hands but said nothing else, seeming shy. I could identify with that. “Take your seats,” Dr. Knight said to the girls. “We’re about to begin.” With that, Camryn and Bella went off to their table, and April sat down . . . next to me. As she sat, I smelled the floral scent of her perfume and closed my eyes. Her leg touched mine as she adjusted in her seat. Fire shot through my veins. Beau Oliver, get a fucking grip. What the hell is your problem? I could sense her eyes on me, so I stole a glance in her direction. When she caught me staring, she smiled, her perfectly straight teeth gleaming. “It’s great to meet you,” she whispered as her father took the microphone in the front of the room, ready to begin the night. I smiled but didn’t say anything, because I had no idea what to say. I wasn’t good at small talk. I listened as her dad talked numbers and statistics about the hospital and then introduced the band to the room. We stood and made our way up to the podium next to her dad. Bex stepped up next to Dr. Knight. I stood silently next to Tanner, grateful I didn’t have to speak. “We’re honored to have been chosen to help this amazing hospital and the work they do with children in the Orlando area and beyond. We’re also glad to be a part of raising awareness about the amount of children in the foster care system in the state of Florida. We’re proud to be partnering with April Knight to expand our foundation here in the Orlando area for young teen girls. I once was a foster child, so I know the importance of these kids being ready for adulthood and getting the right support. We can’t wait to see all of you at the concert tomorrow night. Thank you for having us.” Clapping followed her short speech, and we walked back to our table while they started serving appetizers and salad. I sighed. I wanted nothing more than to pull this damn tie off and unbutton my shirt. I felt like I was suffocating. “You okay?” Natalie asked. “Fine.”

I breathed a sigh of relief as the elevator doors closed behind me, leaving me alone to head up to the hotel room. I had no idea how I’d escaped without anyone coming with me, namely my sister, but I was so glad I had. The dinner had been nice enough. Thankfully, the table had been lively with conversation, meaning I hadn’t had to talk to April much without others interjecting. I wasn’t much of a talker, and especially since she threw me off my game, I didn’t want to make a fool of myself. I hadn’t missed her watching me most of the night, but that wasn’t unusual. I was . . . different, and I was okay with that. Especially to a straight-

laced doctor’s kid, I was probably as cool as any science experiment she’d ever seen. I was the most tatted member of Jaded Regret, not to mention my nose piercing and gauges. My head swam with everything, and I just needed a moment or two to unwind. I untied the tie and ripped it off, then shrugged the jacket off. Next up was the top buttons of my dress shirt, and then the sleeves were unbuttoned and pulled up. “Much fucking better,” I stepped off the elevator. I couldn’t wait to change into my Henley and jeans with my chucks. I’d heard there was an epic rooftop deck in this hotel, so I planned to grab a soda and unwind up there. I had to get my head right for the show tomorrow and being around all those people wasn’t going to do it. The hotel door slammed behind me, and I threw the tie as far as I could, kicking off the uncomfortable dress shoes. Within moments, I was changed and headed back out the door, leaving a note on the table for Natalie. I didn’t want to take my phone, but if I disappeared, she would worry. I hated that she was always worried about me, but it was par for the course. I’d accepted it a long time ago. I stepped back into the elevator, holding two cold sodas from our refrigerator in our room. I pressed the button to the rooftop deck and laid my head against the cool metal of the wall. What a day. At least tomorrow I could be in my element, behind my drums, banging the hell out of my frustrations. While I was still rather quiet on the stage, nowhere near some of the other rock drummers we knew, I was able to be a little more open while playing. As long as they never made me go up and talk to the audience. It was nice that I was more hidden than everyone else. If I concentrated hard, I could almost imagine I was alone on the stage. I opened the door to the rooftop deck and noticed it was empty. Thank God. I didn’t want to have to make small talk with anyone or be recognized and end up signing things. I settled on an outdoor couch and propped my feet on the wicker ottoman in front of it. A slight breeze ruffled my shirt despite the warm and humid Florida night. It was so peaceful out here. I popped open the tab to my soda and took a long pull. I didn’t drink alcohol; it just wasn’t a good idea with the meds I took. Unlike the rest of my band, which could put away drink after drink, I had to be careful. I hadn’t been there long when I heard the door open behind me. I closed my eyes, hoping whoever it was would see they weren’t alone and leave. When I heard footsteps approaching, I knew I wasn’t that lucky. Okay, at least make it be someone who doesn’t recognize me. If someone was a rock fan, I was very recognizable without trying to cover up. That’s what happened when you had tattoos as far as the eye could see and gauges in your ears. I didn’t do it for attention, though that was the assumption. Every one of my tattoos meant something to me. They helped me remember who I had been, who I was, and who I never wanted to be. Covering my skin in ink helped me keep my identity and not take on the one of my parents. I’d started getting ink right after meeting Robyn, and just got my latest one a few weeks ago. The gauges? Well, those were just because I thought they were fucking cool. Natalie didn’t. She’d wrinkled her nose at me when I’d gotten my starter one. The size I had them at now was where they were staying. They weren’t tiny, but they weren’t huge, either.

“Beau?” A voice came from behind me, and I cringed. I turned my head and my eyes connected with April’s. Fucking hell. She had changed also, now wearing a pair of form-fitting jeans and a low cut tank top that accentuated her full breasts and ample cleavage. Her hair was down in soft curls around her shoulders and the light from the doorway shone around her. She looked like an angel. Didn’t that fucking figure because I was the devil. “Hey, April.” My face burned like it was on fire. Could she tell? Hopefully, it was dark enough so I didn’t appear like a fool. “Sorry to interrupt. I didn’t know you were here. I just wanted some air.” “Me too,” I said. “Want a soda?” I indicated the unopened can on the table in front of me, and she smiled. What the hell are you doing, Beau? “Sure. Thanks so much. Are you sure I’m not bothering you?” Yes, you’re bothering me. Go away. I don’t like where my head goes when you’re around me. “Of course not. Please, have a seat.” I moved over so she could sit. When she settled next to me, I smelled that floral scent again. I wanted to bottle it up and take it with me, as well as the vision of her wearing those skin tight jeans, and take care of myself in the shower. Yeah, good plan. “You ready for your show tomorrow?” April asked, making small talk. “Always.” Talking about playing was easy. I could do that. “Thanks again for doing this,” she said. “It means the world to me.” I nodded, not having anything to say. This was all Bex. I took a long pull of my drink, trying to settle the nerves attacking my stomach. I was completely out of my element here. I had no business being on this deck with her by myself. “You’re nervous,” April said, breaking the silence. I snapped my eyes to hers but didn’t speak. “You don’t have to be nervous around me.” I wanted to laugh at her ludicrous statement. I had every reason to be nervous around her. I chose to ignore her comment and tip the soda up to my lips. I knew her eyes were on me, and it made my mind race with possibility. What did she want from me? She didn’t seem like the groupie type. Lord knew I had enough bras and lewd comments thrown at me during our shows. I usually just kicked the bras over to Tanner and let him figure out what he wanted to do with them. That wasn’t me, and it never would be. Even if April was the hottest “groupie” I’d ever seen.

April I COULDN’T BELIEVE my luck. I’d found Beau up on the rooftop deck. I hadn’t been able to take my eyes off him since the second I saw him. He’d looked so hot, but so out of his element dressed in that suit. This was much more his style; I could tell. His short, dark hair, coupled with the short beard, had me tingling. Add in the tattoos scrolling across every inch of skin I could see, and I was mesmerized. Even the gauges in his ears had me interested. He tapped his fingers on his jean-clad leg to some invisible beat in his head, and I found myself wondering what his talented fingers would feel like on my skin. He wasn’t my type. Not at all. Then again, “my type” hadn’t gotten me anywhere, either. There was something about the quiet way he took everything in, hardly saying a word, and the way his eyes crinkled up when he thought something was funny, his lips showing just a hint of a smile. I knew he was incredibly uncomfortable being up here alone with me, and that intrigued me. Men usually didn’t act so intimidated by me; if anything, they often went overboard trying to get my attention. Beau seemed like he couldn’t care less if I was here next to him or not, and would prefer me not to be here at all. Jaded Regret was my favorite band. I loved everything I’d found out about them and what they were doing with their success. I couldn’t believe I’d gotten them to play at this fundraiser. Ever since they’d become famous, I’d followed the story of Bex and Johnny, Tanner, and Beau. I knew as much as any fan could about them. I knew Beau had been a foster kid, and I figured that may be a way for us to connect with each other since that was what I did for a living. My job was my life. I did it for my mom, who’d grown up in foster care herself. It wasn’t until she met my dad, after she was out of the system, when her life started turning around. Now she was a huge adoption advocate and worked tirelessly with our state to promote permanent placement for children. This was one of the many reasons I adored Jaded Regret. I’d heard the stories that circulated about Bex, Natalie, and Beau—their history in foster care and how they got out. I wanted to know the real story, not the media version. Bex was always very tight-lipped about it, saying only that she wished to give back to kids like her. I could understand why, but it didn’t stop me from being curious. I sipped the bubbly soda. I wanted to ask a million questions, starting with why he wasn’t drinking something harder. Didn’t rockers like to drink? I needed to decide the best way to approach Beau. I’d told Camryn and Bella I’d meet them back down at the hotel bar in a little bit. I’d just needed some time to find Beau and see if my initial feeling of being around him continued. It did. I was attracted to him. I wanted to get to know him. And as much as I wasn’t a one-night stand

kind of girl, I wanted him to take me to his room. I wasn’t a groupie; well, not in the literal sense. I guess I did know more than most about the band, but I was the daughter of Dr. Knight. I’d brought the band here. I was a professional. When I wanted something, I made it happen. The same way I’d “flunked” out of medical school so I could do what I wanted, which was social work. It was April’s way or no way in life. I’d learned from my dad never to take less than what you want, and to work your ass off to make your dreams happen. Much to his chagrin it meant I didn’t do what he wanted me to do, which was to follow in his footsteps. Beau cleared his throat, shaking me out of my random thoughts. “I better get in. My sister will wonder where I am.” He couldn’t go yet. We hadn’t spoken more than a few words to each other. “Wait.” I placed my hand on his thick thigh. Warmth immediately flooded my body. Beau’s eyes went from my hand on his leg up to meet my gaze, and we were locked in a stare for a moment, neither of us moving. “Don’t go yet.” I ignored the way my hands shook involuntarily. A look I could only classify as panic crossed Beau’s face before he quickly masked it with indifference. When he shifted to stand, my hand fell off his thigh, and then he busied himself by picking up our empty soda cans. “It was nice to meet you,” he said, not making eye contact. “I’m sure I’ll see you before the concert tomorrow.” Before I could say anything else, he strode through the doors and disappeared. I sat back and blew out a frustrated breath. “Way to go, April. You’ve apparently lost your touch.” I didn’t want to go back down and face the girls. When I’d told them I wanted to get to know Beau, they’d laughed, thinking I’d been kidding. Then when they’d found out what I meant by “get to know,” they’d been shocked. I’d never in my life had a one-night stand. I’d only had one serious boyfriend in my entire life, and that had ended amicably when we’d graduated college. Sure, I’d had my share of boyfriends over the years, but nothing that made me feel like he was “the one.” So now, at twenty-eight years old, I’d decided maybe I needed to live life a little less seriously. Camryn had her eye on Tanner, and I knew without a doubt she’d hook up with him before Jaded Regret went home. Bella was happily married and would just sit and drool over Johnny. Hell, who wouldn’t drool over him? He was like the poster boy for sex with his hot as sin body, tattoos, and talent at guitar. Seeing him and Bex together, it was evident how hot they were for each other, and that fueled the lust women had for him. While I wasn’t dead and would agree Johnny was hot, he just didn’t do it for me. Sighing, I stood and walked toward the door. I caught my reflection in the window and took a second to appraise myself. I was still hot, right? I worked hard at keeping my body fit and toned. Fluffing my hair, I turned and walked off the deck to head downstairs and face the music with my girls.

“Did you find him?” Camryn pounced the second I walked into the bar. Bella smirked, stirring her straw

absently as she waited for me to spill it. I could lie and tell them I never saw him, but that wasn’t me. “Yeah, I saw him.” “And? You aren’t up in his room ripping his clothes off?” Camryn scanned me up and down. “Or did you already? You don’t look like—” “Shhhh.” I interrupted and glanced around to make sure no one had heard her. “You make me sound like a hussy.” Camryn and Bella both squealed with laughter. “No,” Bella said, clearing her throat. “That’s the thing, April. You aren’t at all. And for you to say you were going to get the drummer of Jaded Regret to have a one-night stand with you was just laughable.” Anger sparked low in my belly. They were my best friends and had been since college. “Why is it laughable to think someone might want to sleep with me?” I’d told them before heading to the rooftop deck how I planned to have a one-night stand with Beau, and they’d laughed at me then, too. I guess they didn’t think I was capable of it. What they didn’t know was I would’ve done it in a heartbeat if he’d been willing. And not just because he was Beau Anderson, the hottest drummer in all of rock music, but to prove to myself I could. I could go outside my norm and enjoy myself, loosen up a little. Bella’s laughter died. “That’s not what I meant.” She placed her hand on my arm. “What I meant was, there isn’t a man in this world who wouldn’t want you, April, but don’t sell yourself short. You deserve way more than a one-night stand.” “I, however,” Camryn said, licking her lips, “would love to take Tanner for a ride. That man is just sex on legs.” Bella shook her head. “Cami, don’t you know that man’s reputation?” Camryn nodded, her eyes sparkling. “Uh huh.” It was my turn to shake my head. “Go for it, Cami. Just be careful.” Tanner was hot, I’d give her that, but it was no secret to anyone how many women he took to bed. He didn’t seem to mind the reputation, either. Hey, to each their own, but I didn’t want someone like that in my bed. She slid her stool back and grabbed her clutch. She straightened her blond hair and smacked her lips together. “He gave me his room number. So if you’ll excuse me, ladies . . . I’m going to play Tanner’s bass.” Bella sputtered as I watched, open-mouthed, as Cami left the room, glancing back at us once and blowing us a kiss. “She is something else.” Cami had always been the most . . . forward . . . of the three of us. Dubbed “The Three Musketeers” in college, we’d been inseparable for years. Bella and I were the most responsible of the three. Cami had always followed the beat of her own drum, but we loved her. She was always seeking to fall in love, but more often than not, figured out she wasn’t in love at all. “So tell me what happened,” Bella said, recovered from Cami’s exit. “I was so stupid to think I’d have a one-night stand.” I swirled the wine in my glass. “It’s not you,” Bella agreed. “But tell me what happened.” “I wanted it to be me.” I grinned at her. “Have you seen him?” “I wouldn’t throw any of them out of my bed,” Bella began, “if I was single, that is. Don’t deflect.

Answer the question.” Bella knew I was good at deflecting when I didn’t want to talk about something, but she never let me get away with it. She was happily married to her college sweetheart, and the two of them made me want to throw up every time we got together, in the best way of course. They were perfect for each other. “I went up to the roof and he was there. It was just a lucky guess. He’s so quiet, Bell. He hardly spoke three words to me.” “Did you freak him out or something? Go all fan girl on him?” I rolled my eyes. “No. Geez. My dad and I are the ones who brought Jaded Regret here. I think that’s just him. He did offer me a drink, though.” Bella’s eyebrows raised. “Well, that’s a good sign.” “But the second I asked him to stay, he did kind of freak out.” “You asked him to stay? Wow, April. You grew a pair tonight. What’s gotten into you?” I didn’t know the answer to that, other than just being tired of being at a stalemate in my life. “I want what you and Jeremy have.” “And you think you’re going to find that in a drummer for a rock band you’ve only known for a few hours?” Well, when she put it like that, it did sound ridiculous. I shook my head. “Well, not really. I just want to do things that are outside my ‘norm,’ you know? Doing things the way I’ve always done them isn’t getting me anywhere these days. Anyway, so he was friendly, but dismissed me much too soon. I didn’t come on to him or anything, but he still escaped back to his room. He said he had to check in with his sister.” Bella tapped her finger against her wine glass. “Well, maybe he’s shy.” “I know he is. Even when the band gets interviewed, I’ve never heard him say more than a few words. He lets the others speak, mainly Bex and Johnny. He’s well known for being the quietest rock drummer on the stage. He rocks the hell out of that drum kit, but he rarely engages the audience. Then again, when he does that drum solo . . .” “April Knight, you act like a high school girl with a crush. It’s so cute to see.” I shrugged. “I can’t wait to see them play tomorrow. I get to go to rehearsal before the show and see them do all my favorite songs. This is a dream come true. How did I get this to happen?” “You had an idea and your dad ran with it. Much like everything else you do, April. Your father loves and respects you.” “Hmph. He’d love and respect me more if I was ‘Dr. Knight’ like him.” “Don’t,” Bella said. “You know he’s proud of you. You’ve only worked for Children’s Services for five years, and you’re already a supervisor.” “Yeah, but I’ll still never make even a fraction of what he does. You know that’s what he equates success to.” “Not true. I hear the way he talks about you. It may not have been the career he wanted you to choose, but he can’t deny the impact you have on the families. Plus, how can he be disappointed for your reasons behind your career? He’s the one who saved your mom from her past.”

It was true. In that respect, I knew my dad was proud of what I did. The job was hard. There were days I’d go into my office and shut the door to sob at what I’d seen. Children who were abused and neglected by the people that were supposed to love and care for them would never get easier to see. But it was the other side, the ones who found forever families and had huge grins on their faces when they’d meet their new parents. That was what kept me doing this. My mom didn’t remember her parents. She’d been told over the years they’d abandoned her at a church, never to be heard from again. She’d been part of the system since she was five years old and, for some reason, had never been adopted. She had lived in over twenty foster homes in her thirteen years in the system, several of those being group homes. When she got out at the age of eighteen, the state essentially dumped her and said, “Have a nice life.” She’d turned to what any young kid on their own would turn to—surviving. My dad was a resident at the same hospital my mom had been taken to. When she’d been dropped off, she was half dead and addicted to heroin, but he’d seen something in her. Over the two weeks she’d stayed there, he visited her every day. By the time she was better and on her way to a rehab facility to get clean, he’d fallen for her, despite every indication it wasn’t a good idea. Months later, she’d come back to the same hospital, healthy and clean, to find the doctor she called her “Guardian Angel.” They hadn’t been apart since. “I just want to find someone to love me the way my dad loves my mom,” I admitted, downing the rest of my wine. “You will.” Bella patted my back. “But I doubt you’ll find him having a one-night stand with a quiet drummer of a rock band.”

Beau I WAITED FOR Johnny and Bex to finish the riff that intro’d my drum solo, tapping my toes on the ground. My drumsticks were poised and ready to strike the cymbals. Nervous bubbles erupted in my stomach, just like every time I prepared to do my solo. I loved every second of doing this. It was the only time I’d willingly get into the spotlight. I twisted my neck, stretching my shoulder muscles. My mind raced a thousand miles an hour, and I needed to quiet it. Natalie had eyed me when I came out for rehearsal. She could always read when my head wasn’t where it was supposed to be. She hadn’t said a word, but I knew she was watching. I’d taken my meds as usual, but there was something else keeping my head out of it today. Maybe it was the lack of sleep I’d had last night or the release I needed that I refused to allow myself to have. I’d tossed and turned all night, the only sleep I’d gotten filled with twisted-up dreams of my dad’s dead body, my mom’s cold eyes when she left me, and a dark haired beauty with eyes that seemed to peer right through me. Johnny and Bex hit their last note, my cue to begin. My fingers gripped the wooden sticks, pounding out the drum solo with more force than usual. I crashed into the cymbals and then the snare, sweat breaking out on my face and back. Yes. I needed it. I pounded harder, drowning out the voices echoing in my head and the thoughts that came with them. My muscles flexed and my head bobbed, my eyes closing as I finished the solo without looking. It was as second nature as breathing. I blocked out Tanner to my left and Johnny and Bex in front. I blocked out the empty seats in front of us and Natalie standing off to the side and just pounded, my head finally clearing as I struck the final cymbal to complete my solo. “Fuck!” Johnny said. “That was epic, Beau! You’re a machine! Do that tonight and you’ll have all the pussy you want!” Bex smacked him. “He can get whatever pussy he wants anyway.” She laughed. “That doesn’t mean he takes it.” Johnny shrugged. “You should. All you need is to get some Grade A . . .” He didn’t get to finish his sentence because Dr. Knight and April stepped on the stage with Natalie. My eyes snapped right to April, who wore a pair of dress pants and a button-down blouse. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail at the nape of her neck, and her makeup was flawless. I stayed behind my drums, hoping she’d ignore me and flirt with Tanner or something. She threw me off, and I didn’t know why. It wasn’t like other women hadn’t hit on me over the years. That was what she was doing, right? She’d hit on me. She’d wanted something from me. She was barking up the wrong tree. She didn’t want anything to

do with me. Or, at least, she wouldn’t once she found out who I was. “They came to watch the rehearsal,” Natalie announced. “Just ignore us and keep practicing. Beau, that was incredible. Good job, bro.” I didn’t miss the way Nat regarded me for just a second too long. I was still on her radar, but I was okay now. All I needed was to beat the shit out of the drums, and all was right in my world again. Add that I’d get to do it for a few hours today, and I’d be more than okay. “I caught the end of that,” April said, staring directly at me. I tapped the drumsticks on my legs, the need to play again almost consuming me. “You’re so talented, Beau.” I nodded but didn’t respond. I had no words that would make any sense to her. She needed to focus on someone else because I wasn’t the man for her. I wasn’t the man for anyone. “I’m just going to sit and listen if that’s okay,” April said, turning to Johnny and Bex. Tanner eyed her, just like I knew he would. “You can sit right here in front of me and let me play to you.” Tanner turned on his charm. He knew she was Camryn’s friend, but that didn’t stop him. He’d probably try to have them both at the same time. Sometimes I envied him. He had no problems getting what he wanted and then moving on, and girls were okay with it. He never seemed to have a care in the world. Hell, why would he? He’d had the perfect life. April smiled and peeked back over at me. What was her thing with me? Had I given her a signal I was interested? “Thanks, Tanner. I’m going to sit in the front row so I can see everyone. This is such a surreal moment for me. Thanks again for agreeing to do this.” “Yes, thank you,” Dr. Knight said to all of us. “While I have to admit I’m not usually a rock fan, April has converted me. You are quite a talented bunch.” Bex grinned. “Thank you, Dr. Knight. All right boys, let’s get back to work. Beau, that was an extra amazing solo. Keep that shit up, okay?” I smiled at her. “You got it.”

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, following the ink from my neck down my chest, arms, and torso. Following the colors back up, I lifted my hand and ran it along my short beard, then to my gauges. I tried to figure out what a woman might see in me. Yeah, I had the whole “bad boy” vibe going on. I was a drummer in a rock band, which did a little something to the female libido. I flexed, watching the muscles ripple across my arms, chest, and abs. Yeah, I guess I had those, too. Years of drumming and beating the shit out of a bag would do that. I didn’t ooze sex appeal like Johnny, or scream “drop your panties” like Tanner. Then again, all I’d ever wanted to do was fly under the radar. It was better that way. April’s cat-like eyes flashed in front of my face, and I felt myself becoming aroused. She’d sung along to every single song we’d played at rehearsal, her eyes never leaving me. I knew she’d been watching me even while I had my eyes closed. Her gaze was that powerful. After rehearsal, I hadn’t seen her, but we’d been in a hurry to get back to the hotel and get ready for the concert. Which more than likely meant Bex

and Johnny were banging each other’s brains out in every position possible. I sure as shit learned not to knock on their door before a concert. Or after a concert. Or ever. Kids or no kids, they didn’t act any different. The image of April’s ample cleavage in her low cut shirt the first night I met her filtered through my thoughts. I reached down and stroked myself, watching in the mirror as I became fully erect. It would take the edge off, help me relax and play better tonight. It would get her out of my system. I hissed out a breath as I ran my hand over the ridge and down my shaft. I felt the release coming quickly, and I began moving faster. You’re worthless. You’re just like him. You’re a fucking monster. I shook my head against the sudden onslaught of memories. You’re a piece of shit. I dropped my hand from my dick, my drive deflated. This was why I didn’t deserve to even jack off to her image. I was a worthless, piece of shit monster. I was put on this earth to play my drums, and that was it. I gripped the counter, my eyes wide and wild. I forced air in and out of my lungs, closing my eyes so I didn’t see my reflection. When I inspected myself close enough in the mirror, no amount of tattoos could hide it. I was his son. His blood ran through me. I could never escape who I was. I was a monster.

“Beau,” Natalie called. The roadies ran around us, making sure everything was set up and tuned correctly to start the concert. We were moments from performing, and I could hear the crowd screaming “Jaded Regret” over and over. My blood pumped through my veins in excitement. This was what I did this for, right here. “Yeah.” “I know you’re not okay today.” It was a simple statement. To someone walking by, it would be innocent. To us, it was laced with underlying meaning. “I am. I’m ready to play.” It was a lie, but she didn’t need to know that. “You’ve been off since you got up this morning. Do we need a visit?” Her question meant do we need to go to the hospital and get a “boost,” a flooding of medication in my system to balance me out when my regular meds weren’t doing it. I shook my head. “No. I’m all right, Nat.” You’re a worthless piece of shit. I gritted my teeth, my blood pressure pounding in my ears. I wasn’t far from needing that visit, but I was determined to fight through it. She blew out a breath. “Beau. Don’t be afraid to admit you aren’t okay. It doesn’t make you weak.” I hugged her, wanting to lash out at her but knowing it wasn’t her fault. “I know, Nat. I know. I’m pumped and ready to play. I’ll let you know if I’m not okay.” She nodded. “Okay. Bex wants everyone for a minute.” I followed her into a small space behind the stage. Johnny’s hand rested on Bex’s backside. Tanner smiled as I walked up, his perfect blond hair

resembling a surfer, not a rock star. Bex stared at me just a beat too long, and I wondered if Natalie had talked to her. I swore I didn’t get one second of peace with the two of them around. On one hand it was a good thing they could keep me stable, but annoying on the other, because I just couldn’t have a bad day with them around. “Everyone ready?” Bex asked. Choruses of “fuck yeah” resounded from all of us, including Natalie. We did our Jaded Regret fistbump handshake combo and then ran for the stage, Natalie standing in the wings as always. I sat down, pulling my drumsticks out of my pocket. Several new sets sat on the floor by my pedals. It was my thing to throw my sticks into the crowd a few times during a concert. Every set had been signed by all four of us, and I’d seen them on Ebay for thousands of dollars. It was crazy, but it was the one way I could interact with my fans without talking to them. Tanner started his riff, Johnny and Bex coming in as Bex began to sing, effectively silencing the crowd. In between her notes, I could hear shouts from exuberant fans. My head cleared, and it was just me on this stage with my fabulous band. It was my turn to come in, and come in I did. I took it over, allowing the screams and shouts of my name to fuel me to drum harder, faster, longer. When my solo was over, and Bex began to sing again, the screams continued to reverberate in my head. Before I knew it, April and her dad were walking onto the stage as we finished up our tenth song. Sweat dripped off my face and onto my shirt, which seemed like I’d taken a shower in it. Before I could stop myself, I stood up and met her halfway across the stage. I held up my drumsticks, which started a frenzy in the crowd. They knew what I was doing. They were seasoned groupies. April’s eyes met mine as she realized I was walking toward her. That same charge traveled through my body. I handed her the drumsticks without saying a word. The crowd went insane. I could see many flashes as people took pictures, but it didn’t bother me. She beamed as she took the sticks from my hands, her fingers brushing mine. I almost jumped at her touch but forced myself to take one step back instead. “Did you see this?” April boomed into the microphone. “Beau just gave me his drumsticks! Who is jealous right now?” The crowd screamed, jumping up and down. She glanced over her shoulder at me and grinned wickedly. I froze in place behind her. Bex’s footsteps came up behind me, her hand lightly skimming my arm. I immediately relaxed. “We wanted to take a moment to thank you for coming to this Jaded Regret concert to benefit Young Angels Children’s Hospital, which you can see behind us. Because of all your generosity, not only will we get to complete the next phase, but we will also get to help many foster kids who have aged out of the system but still need assistance. Thanks to Bexley Bryant-Gibbons, we’ll be assisting her in funding an assisted living facility here in Orlando for those kids. It will help them with finding jobs, giving them life skills, and assist them in finding a safe and low-cost place to live.” Bex stepped up next to April. “Thank you, Orlando.” Her voice was gruff through her headset. “Most of you know I have a special place in my heart for kids in the foster care system, especially those who

never got to have families and then found themselves all alone in the world just because they were considered adults. It’s my goal to help those who need it and get more kids families.” The crowd screamed and jumped up and down. Bex glanced back at me for just a second, but I knew what she meant. For kids like us who had no one. “Now who’s ready to rock?” Bex nodded at us, and we turned to go back to our respective places. April put her hand on my arm before I could get too far from her. “Thank you,” she whispered into my ear. “I’ll keep them forever.” I allowed a small smile to play on my lips before turning away from her. I grabbed a new pair of drumsticks and watched as she exited the stage. She turned back and stood, studying me the entire time again. I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but I could still feel where she’d touched me on my arm.

“I’m exhausted,” Bex said, tipping back a water bottle and draining it. She picked up her signature chicken tender—she always liked greasy fried food after a show. “We have to get out there soon.” As part of the fundraiser, we had sold tickets to a meet and greet. We would sign items purchased at the event, take pictures for a donation to the hospital, and mingle with a few hundred of our best fans. It was enough to make me nervous as hell, but I’d do it. “All I want to do is crash with my babies.” It shouldn’t shock me at this point to hear her talk about her kids like that, but it did. The softer side of Bex was still taking some getting used to. “Hell yeah. Maybe I can get April and Camryn to come back with me to my room tonight,” Tanner said, ignoring Bex’s comment about her kids. “Camryn was—” “Do you always think with your dick?” I interjected. “Who says April would fall at your feet? She doesn’t seem the type to suck your dick while you lick someone else.” Four sets of eyes swung to me in shock. I never spoke up to Tanner about his shenanigans, but why did he need to try to get April, too? She was too classy for a slut like him. “Most guys do,” Tanner said. “Just because you are a self-imposed prude doesn’t mean the rest of us have to be. And thanks for the visual, now all I can think of is April sucking my cock while I’ve got Camryn spread eagle.” “Tanner,” Natalie said, her voice tight. I clenched my fists at the image of April bent down in front of him. “You got a problem, Beau?” Tanner crossed his arms in front of his chest. I shook my head, forcing myself to breathe out and slow my heart rate before I responded. “No. I guess I just don’t understand why you need to try to fuck your way through every town we go to. You are a womanizer, and it’s just old. The whole world knows you’re a whore, and you just keep going like you’re proud of it.” Bex’s mouth dropped open. I usually only called her or Natalie on their shit.

Tanner grinned. “Ahhh, now I get it.” “Get what?” Tanner looked over at Bex. “Do you hear what I hear?” She shrugged, evidently trying to downplay whatever was happening with me right now. He was fucking pissing me off. My head started to spin, my thoughts rapidly taking over. Natalie appeared next to me. “Beau,” she whispered. “Let it the hell go. Why do you care what he does?” Lines formed in her forehead as she watched me with pain etched in her expression. Like it or not, Natalie had a thing for Tanner, and his escapades hurt her. Me bringing it up didn’t help her at all. “You want her, don’t you?” Tanner continued. “I’ll be damned. I’ve never seen you want a girl, despite how much some of them have thrown themselves at you.” “Shut up, Tanner,” Natalie spat. “You do, don’t you? Do you want that sweet piece of ass? Her friend was a freak, man. I usually have a rule against going back for more, but I’d do that hottie again in a nanosecond.” He was pushing my buttons, and he knew it. The problem was, he didn’t understand the repercussions to the buttons he pushed. I stood, and the chair I’d been sitting sitting in fell back and hit the ground. The second Bex saw me, she also stood and got in my face. “Sit the hell down,” she said, her voice soft so only I could hear. Natalie appeared on the other side of her. “Do not let him do this to you. Why is what he’s saying getting to you now?” Bex’s eyes left mine for just long enough to read something in Natalie’s face. When she turned her eyes back to me, softness covered her features. “I love you, Beau. Breathe.” Silence overtook the room as Johnny and Tanner watched the two girls try to talk me down. “Let’s get out of here and get this the fuck over with.” I ignored the entire situation and they followed behind me, all of us silent until we reached our destination.

April I WATCHED BEAU from across the room. He was . . . smiling. His straight white teeth gleamed against the dark stubble of his beard. I’d only seen small glimpses of his smile over the past two days. He stood between his sister and Bex, and whatever they said to him made him appear euphoric. I wanted to make him smile like that. The hundreds of people who’d come to the meet and greet were in different stages of stalking Jaded Regret. Some of them had been loud and wild, screaming and exuberant to meet the famous rockers. The band had handled it in stride, their security only having to be somewhat forceful with one girl who’d hung all over Johnny, despite his wife standing right next to him. Bex had been unusually calm. I’d expected her to punch the woman, but she’d only smirked as the woman screamed about wanting his babies. I guess she had nothing to worry about since Johnny hardly stopped touching her every time they were next to each other. Some fans seemed too intimidated to go right up to them, content with just watching them from afar and taking in the greatness of their presence. I pretended to be one of them, but it was only so I could study Beau. I had no idea what made the man tick. He wasn’t like anyone I’d ever met before. I noticed he hadn’t strayed far from his sister and Bex during the entire time. When Bex and Johnny had gotten up and made a short speech to the crowd, he’d stayed next to them without saying a word. I’d watched several girls approach him, their clothing minimal and their bravery at an all time high. He’d shaken hands with a few of them, signed posters, shirts, and CD covers, but nothing more. Even the ones who’d draped themselves on him to take selfies or pictures taken by friends didn’t change his demeanor. If anything, he appeared to be uncomfortable with all the attention. Camryn stayed close to Tanner, nursing a drink as she batted her eyelashes at him. Bella and her husband, Jeremy, were whispering next to me. Bella thought I was certifiable at this point. Maybe I was. I watched Beau’s fingers tap out an invisible beat on the cup he held. I wondered if he always had a song playing in his head. “Talk to him,” Bella said in my ear. “What’s the worst that can happen? He’s leaving tomorrow.” She was right. What was the worst that could happen? I straightened my back and walked across the room to the band. When Natalie saw me, a smile instantly lit her face. We’d hit it off quite well, and I liked her. The roadies had finished with the set in the corner of the room. I knew Jaded Regret was about to play a brand new song they’d never played before for our meet and greet fans. I couldn’t wait to hear it. “Great turn out,” Natalie said. “They’ll get ready to play soon.”

I nodded. “Sounds good. The fans have been rather tame compared to what I thought they would be.” “I’m used to way crazier. Sometimes these women can be . . . interesting.” Her gaze met Beau’s, and that’s when I noticed his attention move past her, straight to me. Natalie saw it, too, because she turned back to me with a smile on her face. “He’s had a rough day.” I wanted to figure out what she meant by that, but I couldn’t tear my eyes from Beau’s. The dark pools of brown lost me in their depths, even from a few feet away. He was so serious, but I had a feeling Beau Anderson had many layers protecting him, making him who he was today. And I wanted nothing more than to peel them back one by one. “He seems sad,” I said, shocking myself that I said it out loud. I felt like I could trust Natalie, like we’d known each other longer than two days. Natalie sighed next to me. “He’s . . . complicated.” One of the roadies called her name. “Excuse me. I’ll be right back.” She walked away, leaving me standing alone, still staring straight at Beau. My feet began to move before I could stop them, and in seconds, I found myself standing right in front of him. “That was a great show.” I thought I needed to say something. He gave me that little smirk, the almost smile I’d come to like—a lot—in the last two days. “Thanks again for the drumsticks. You didn’t have to do that.” He shrugged, and my stomach dropped in disappointment. He wasn’t going to talk to me. “It was no biggie.” He spoke so quiet I almost missed it. His gravelly voice sent tingles up and down my spine, making goose bumps break out on my arms and legs. I rubbed my arms absently, hoping and praying he’d continue to talk. “This is totally not your scene, is it?” I indicated the loud fans around us. He smirked again. “You could say that.” His fingers tapped on his cup again, and I wanted to ask him what song he heard in his head and if he could play it for me. “Have you always been a drummer?” He glanced away for just a second, but before I could be disappointed, his eyes met mine again. “Yes. Always.” “Beau, time to play.” Bex appeared next to us. I almost groaned in frustration. “Ready to hear our new song, April?” Ready? Yes. In about two hours after I finally get through to this man, absolutely. “Always ready for a new Jaded Regret song.” “Beau and I wrote this one,” Bex said, bumping Beau playfully. He grabbed her and wrapped his arm around her neck, using his fist to give her a noogie . When she punched him in the gut, he let her go, feigning pain. She smoothed out her hair and narrowed her eyes at him. I grinned, loving the visual of them this way. They linked arms and Johnny and Tanner followed the two of them to the makeshift stage area. “Hey, guys,” Bex’s sultry voice came over the speakers. Everyone stopped and turned, some letting out excited squeals. “Thanks for coming to see us tonight. We wouldn’t be anywhere without our fans. Tonight we’re performing a brand new song for you. What do you think about that? It’s never been played

for anyone.” The screams turned deafening at Bex’s announcement. Johnny let out a quick riff and Beau did a buhdun-dun on the drums. “This song was written by my brother from another mother, Beau, and myself. It’s called ‘You Can’t Hurt Me Anymore.’ We’ve all been hurt one way or another in life, am I right?” More screaming ensued. “This song is to all of you. Don’t let anyone keep hurting you.” Bex began to sing, accompanied by the men who made up Jaded Regret. Her words made chills break out on my body again, but it was Beau who had caught my attention. His eyes were closed as he played, his face changing expression as the words were belted from Bex’s lips. The lyrics hit me straight in the heart; lines about the pain of being betrayed, being hurt over and over again and coming back for more. When she hit the chorus, her voice raised in defiance as she screamed, “You can’t hurt me anymore because I’m dead inside,” I fought against my tears. It wasn’t until the end of the song when she changed the reprise that I felt like I could breathe again. “You can’t hurt me anymore because I won’t let you have that control, that part of who I am is over. You can’t hurt me anymore . . .” The crowd went absolute apeshit when Beau ended the powerful song with a new drum solo. Bex, Johnny, and Tanner riled up the crowd as he pounded the drums, shaking his head back and forth as he went to town. I knew nothing about playing, but from what I knew of my favorite artists, this man could play a set of drums. When he finished, he stood and came out from behind the drum kit. He chucked his drumsticks into the crowd. A mid-twenties girl in the audience grabbed them and screamed, holding them to her body like she’d just been given a million dollars. I know the feeling. I smiled as she swooned and screamed out, “I have a piece of Beau Anderson, everyone! I love you, Beau!” He ducked his head, and I saw a hint of that little smile. Bex, Johnny, and Tanner waved to the crowd and did a quick bow, handing their equipment back to the roadies so they could break down the set. “Thank you, everyone. It was a great night. Be sure to check out Jaded Regret’s new tour when the dates are posted next week!” Bex shouted, eliciting another round of screaming. The band’s security ushered them from the room, and I hurried to follow them, knowing the guys I’d hired would take care of the rest. I had to talk to Beau.

“Let’s keep in touch,” Natalie said. “Give me your number and I’ll text you mine.” I smiled, taking out my phone and rattling off my number. Once she texted me back, I entered her information. “I’m sad you guys are leaving already.” “I know. It’s been a hectic few days, though, and right now we only make short trips with Bex’s family. We will head out on tour in a few months, though. I believe one of our stops is Orlando. I’ll get you backstage passes, and you can hang with us.” My stomach flip-flopped. I had to attend that concert, if for no other reason than to see Beau do what he did best again. “That’s amazing, Natalie. Thank you. What will Bex do with her kids during the tour?” I

glanced across the deck and found Johnny holding a sleeping infant boy while Bex sat with a little girl, blowing bubbles into the night sky. Beau sat next to Bex, making the little girl laugh by trying to grab her bubbles. Tanner was flirting with Camryn. Shocking. “We’ll have two buses this time when we go out, plus the truck our roadies drive with a trailer to haul our equipment. Last time, before Bex was a mom of two, we all crammed on one bus. It was quite cozy. This time, she and her family will have their own to try and keep things as normal as possible for the kids. Well, as normal as they can be with rock stars as parents. She has a full-time nanny who will travel with them, but Bex will only use her when necessary. She hates the thought of anyone else raising her kids. Their bus is being customized right now. It’s epic, too. A two bedroom that’s better than my house.” My eyes slid back over to Bex. “They look good on her.” Natalie followed my gaze. “They do. They’re the best things to have happened to all of us. Watch Beau. I never see him like that, only when he’s with her kids. They make him young again, carefree.” We watched him for a moment in silence. The little girl giggled, throwing herself into his lap. He wrapped his big arms around her slight frame, rubbing his beard on her neck. She squealed and screamed, her laughter making me all warm and fuzzy inside. “He’d be a great dad,” I said. Natalie sighed. “He would, but he won’t.” “What do you mean, he won’t? Won’t what?” “Nothing. Forget it. He’s just not ready to be in that place in life yet.” She grabbed my arm. “Come on. Let’s hang with them.” She dragged me closer to the band. We were on the rooftop deck again, this time, it was only the band, Natalie, Camryn, and me. Bella and Jeremy had gone home after the meet and greet. The door was guarded by Jaded Regret security, which seemed necessary after several groupies tried to come up. I couldn’t imagine living this life. It had to be so hard to have no privacy. Beau’s eyes lifted and met mine as we approached. The little girl scrambled off his lap and launched herself at Natalie. “Auntie Nat!” She was a gorgeous little girl with dark brown curls and large green eyes. Natalie picked her up and hugged her tight. “Were you a good little girl while Mommy and Daddy were playing at the concert?” She nodded. “Miss Lara said I could have cake for being such a good girl. Jaden was good, too. He only cried a little. Auntie Nat, who’s that?” Natalie turned to face me. “Lennox, this is Miss April. April, this is Lennox Gibbons.” “Age three,” she said with the maturity of a much older child. “My mommy is Bexley Bryant-Gibbons, and my daddy is Johnny Gibbons. They are the stars of Jaded Regret, and they are kinda famous, but to me, they’re just Mom and Dad.” Natalie and I both laughed. “Well, thank you, Miss Lennox. It’s very nice to meet you.” Lennox turned and pointed. “See him? That’s my baby brother Jaden. I have to teach him everything. I help Miss Lara take care of him when Mommy and Daddy are working. Do you know Jaden is named after Jaded Regret, and I’m named after a famous musician?” Her little voice sounding so grown up made

me stifle my laughter. I somehow thought she wouldn’t find it funny for me to laugh at her seriousness. Three years old going on forty. “I just met them yesterday,” I said. “But I love their music. And that’s very cool about your names. I love them.” “They did this concert to help sick kids,” she continued. “Right Uncle Bobo?” Beau appeared next to Natalie, having gotten off the ground where he’d been playing with Lennox before. Uncle Bobo? That was cute. “Sure did, peanut.” “I have to run down and settle a few things with the hotel,” Natalie said. “I’ll meet you in the room, Beau.” He nodded to Natalie, avoiding my gaze. “Bye, Auntie Nat! Love you!” Natalie turned around and blew Lennox a kiss before disappearing through the door. “Lennox!” Bex called for her daughter. “We’re heading in. It’s way past someone’s bedtime.” She ruffled Lennox’s hair. Lennox sighed. “I just met a new friend, Mommy! This is April! She’s so pretty! Don’t you think so, Uncle Bobo?” Bex examined me. “Yes, she is pretty, Lennox. Now let’s go. Say goodbye.” Beau didn’t respond, and I couldn’t make my eyes meet his. I didn’t want to see whatever was written on his face. “Bye, Lennox. It was nice to meet you.” “Keep my uncle company, okay, April? He gets lonely without me.” Bex grabbed her hand and pulled her away, flanked by Johnny. I laughed nervously when the door shut behind them. I turned to see where Camryn was, only to see they were gone. When had they disappeared? “Seems like everyone left us,” Beau said. “Including security.” “D-do we need security?” He shrugged. “I don’t know. Are you a stalker?” I sputtered. Was I a what? Is that what he thought? “I . . .” “I’m kidding.” And then he laughed. Was I in an alternate universe? Who was this guy standing alone with me on the rooftop deck, this time teasing me? “Oh.” I laughed, wringing my hands in my lap. “Today went well, thanks to you.” My throat was so dry; I wasn’t sure I could swallow much less respond. “I would say it was because of you guys, not me.” Beau reached his hand out, and I swore I stopped breathing. He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. Seeming to realize what he’d just done, he took a step backward and ran a hand through his beard, stopping to turn the hoop in his nose. “Tell me something about you.” He may not answer me, but I couldn’t stop myself from asking.

Beau WHAT THE HELL was I still doing on this deck with her? She unnerved me. Seeing her with Lennox, then listening to that baby girl tell her I was lonely had loosened something in me. I didn’t like it, and I needed to back the hell up. She wanted to know something about me? Why was that, so she could sell it to some tabloid? Even as I thought it, I knew it wasn’t the truth; April wasn’t a groupie. She wasn’t trying to score a rocker so she could tell the world. She was real. And that scared me shitless. I’d touched her. My hand had reached out and put her hair behind her ear before I could register what I’d been doing. I’d liked it, too. Her hair was soft. “What do you want to know?” Her eyes widened. What was she surprised about? That I’d responded to her, or that I was talking to her? Shit, I surprised myself. “Um . . . well, I don’t know. Something you don’t mind sharing.” She was nervous, wringing her hands and moving her feet in place. “Do you want to sit?” I indicated the couch where I’d seen her here last night. She nodded, and we both settled next to each other. Her knee touched my leg, and I jerked in response. I remembered how hard I’d been while thinking of her earlier when I’d taken matters into my own hands. You don’t deserve to be alive. I shook my head. No. Not now. You should’ve died with him. The world would be a better place without you. “Beau? Are you okay?” Just fucking fantastic. Now I seemed like a weirdo in front of her. I forced my eyes to hers. “Yep. Just fine. Okay, so something I’d want to tell you about me. Well . . . I’m a rather dull guy.” She shook her head. “I don’t think that’s true.” Oh, but it was. I kept a predictable routine for a reason. It kept things in order. “I thought of a question. I’ve noticed you kind of zone out and tap your fingers in rhythm on your legs. Is that because you are thinking of new music, or just playing?” She was very perceptive. And this was a question I didn’t mind answering. “I almost always have music running through my head. New music, old music, whatever it is. A lot of times I have drumsticks in my back pocket and will just bang out a set on my leg when I’m bored.”

April nodded, and I smelled whatever scent she wore. It was fucking intoxicating. My fingers twitched, wanting to bury themselves in her hair and crush her lips to mine. I wanted to taste her, and that was the most terrifying thing I’d thought about in a long damn time. “I’m going to ask you something, but don’t answer it if you don’t want to.” My gut clenched. That meant whatever it was, she worried it would be too personal. Which meant I wouldn’t want to answer it at all. “I notice you don’t pay much attention to the women who flock to you. Why is that?” So many answers to her question, but I wasn’t sure if there were any I wanted to respond with. When I stayed quiet just a beat too long, April waved her hand. “Never mind. I should leave you alone. You don’t know me. I’m sorry, Beau. I just—you interest me.” She stood like she was about to leave. I didn’t want her to do that. “I’m not interested in meaningless hookups,” I answered. April stopped and turned her body back toward me. She nodded. “That has to be hard, though. It’s always offered and flaunted in front of you.” I patted the seat, and she sat back down. This was . . . nice. I hadn’t talked to a female like this in years. “Not really. It just doesn’t interest me at all.” “Can I tell you something without you thinking I’m a weirdo?” I was rather sure there was nothing she could say that would make me believe that. “Shoot.” “I told my friends I wanted to hook up with you.” She blushed so red I could see it in the darkness. She couldn’t have shocked me more if she had stripped naked next to me. April didn’t seem the type. “Uh . . . really? Wow. I’m flattered.” And terrified. And turned on. April laughed. “Just so you know, I don’t do that. So my friends laughed at me and told me I’d never go through with it. But then I met you.” And she realized hooking up with me would be a mistake of epic proportions. I’m nothing that she would want. She recognized that immediately upon meeting me. She’s way out of my league. I don’t even have a league unless it’s one for freaks. I turned my face from her so she couldn’t see the selfloathing written all over my face. “Hey, Beau.” Her voice was soft and soothing. I forced the mask of indifference over my face before turning back to her. “I realized not only am I not that type of girl and never will be, but you aren’t that kind of guy, either. You deserve way better than some chick hanging on you acting like a groupie just because you’re Beau Anderson. What would then distinguish me from all the other women who throw themselves at you?” Concern etched her features. She regarded me the way Natalie did sometimes, and it unnerved me. Did she see through me? Before I could fully register her words just may be the nicest thing I’d ever heard in my life, she lifted her hand and put it on the side of my face. I was so frozen I didn’t have the ability to pull away from her touch. “I don’t know you and you don’t know me. But I like you.” She . . . liked me? Why the hell would she like me? She knew next to nothing about me at all, and she

was a beautiful woman who could get any guy she wanted. When I didn’t respond, her eyes landed on my lips. Small puffs of air blew out of her mouth. April Knight wanted to kiss me. My lips hadn’t touched anyone’s in so long, I’d forgotten what the sensation was like. Robyn’s face filled the spot where April’s had been, and I remembered the way she’d felt against me when I’d kissed her goodbye. No one wants you. I don’t want you. You’re a waste of space. I backed up, making April’s hand fall from my face. The spell had been broken; there was no way in hell I could let her close to me. I was poison. “There’s nothing about me to like,” I said. “You’re beautiful . . . successful . . . and I’m . . .” Words failed me. I shook my head. “I’m nothing.” April stepped forward but didn’t touch me. “Beau.” I loved my name falling off her lips. It was like the most beautiful melody of letters put together. “Don’t say that about yourself. You aren’t nothing.” Shit. I’d said too much. She now knew just what I thought. Her presence held the ability to make me lose my composure, and I needed to get out of here before it became worse. Before I said something worse. “I need to go, April. It was nice to meet you. Thanks again.” She placed her hand on my arm. “Please, Beau.” I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. Nothing could ever happen between us. I would take her down into the black hole with me. I strode purposefully off of the deck and down to my room. She didn’t follow me.

I turned the channel on the television, not caring what was on the screen. We’d been home for a week and had been doing nothing but killing ourselves with rehearsals. We’d found out we were flying to New York next week to promote the release of our tour dates and stops with our label. After we returned, we’d have a few weeks of constant practice before we’d leave home to tour. It was probably a good thing we’d been working so hard over the last week, because my head hadn’t been right since I walked away from April my last night in Orlando. I knew Natalie had been texting with her because she’d been telling me things about her. That was a further reminder of what I’d walked away from every time I heard her name. If I wasn’t practicing, I was in my room. I hadn’t gotten got out of bed much, and I knew Natalie was worried about me. I couldn’t make myself get up and eat or do anything. She’d taken to almost force feeding me in my room and sitting on my bed, trying to keep me off the ledge. That was how I’d ended up with another therapy appointment today. Natalie had her on fucking speed dial. This time, she’d gotten Bex involved. When the two of them started, I didn’t stand a chance. “You ready?” Natalie appeared in my doorway, her purse on her shoulder. “You aren’t taking me. I’m a big boy, Nat. I can drive myself.” Her eyes narrowed. “Don’t start with me, Beau. I’m taking you.” I often wondered how my sister ended up so beautiful on the inside and out, seemingly unscathed by

our genetics. But then again, I was happy she didn’t have to deal with the things I did. If someone had to take the brunt of it, I was glad it was me. At least she could still have a purpose in life. Even if she refused to find it. It was my goal to get her free of me so she could be her own person. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and groaned. “I’m fine, Nat.” “You are not, Beau. You know it and so do I. So does everyone. You’ve hardly said two words this entire week. I don’t know what the hell happened, but this isn’t a way to live.” Her voice cracked. I hated it when she cried. It tore what was left of my soul to shreds. “Nat.” I pulled her into a tight hug. “It’s okay.” “I can’t lose you.” She cried into my chest, and I stroked her back. “Please.” This world would be a better place if no more of that psycho’s blood were running through anyone. “No one is losing anyone,” I whispered into her hair, though I couldn’t help but think she’d be better off without me, even if she didn’t agree.

“So your meds are not controlling your depression,” my therapist, Dr. Mia, said. “I’m fine.” She narrowed her eyes at me. All the women in my life had perfected that skill. “Beau. I can’t help you if you aren’t real with me. Tell me what’s going on.” “I can’t stop the fucking voices from telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit. There, now are you happy?” She pursed her lips. “That’s much better. Not only are we getting somewhere, but I’m getting some emotion out of you. So, you’re hearing voices.” “The same fucking voice.” “Your mother’s.” I didn’t need to give her an answer; she already knew. “And having fucking insane dreams, so I can’t sleep.” “Dreams of what?” “Visions of my dad, then he morphs into my mom. Then I’m standing on a bridge, peering down at the water below, and my mom is standing behind me, ready to push.” Her eyes widened. “This is new. Do you want to end your life?” “My life is worthless.” “Why do you think that, Beau? That couldn’t be further from the truth.” “So I can play drums. Big fucking deal.” “Do you think your sister thinks that’s all that defines you?” “My sister has to love me. She’s my sister.” “I think you and I both know she doesn’t have to love you, Beau.” Way to remind me that my family was a bunch of fuck-ups who hated me. “Thanks, Dr. Mia.”

“I don’t mean it the way you’re taking it. Love is a choice. Natalie loves you. Bex loves you. You have a purpose in life.” “They could find another drummer just as talented as me.” “Beau.” She steepled her fingers and stared at me. “Are you thinking about committing suicide?” I tapped my fingers on my legs in a rapid rhythm. “Not really.” “Not really? You’re going to have to give me a little more than that.” I sighed, tapping harder on my legs. “I’ve thought about it, but I don’t want to be a chicken shit like my dad. I love being a drummer and it’s the only thing keeping my head straight. I’ve just been thinking a lot about my life and where it’s going.” She nodded, satisfied because I hardly ever said that many sentences to her in our entire session. “Where do you want it to go, Beau?” “I don’t know. I want to be happy.” “And you aren’t.” It wasn’t a question. “I thought I was.” “What does that mean?” How did I describe a stranger sending me into a tailspin and making me wondering why the hell I was on this earth? “I don’t think I know what ‘happy’ means. When I’m playing, I’m free. The second I stop, my head is all full again. The only thing that defines me is being a drummer.” “And a brother.” “Natalie needs a life outside of me. She’s given up her whole life for me.” “Do you think she sees it that way?” “She never puts her needs first. What thirty-year-old woman still wants to be taking care of her fuckup of a brother because he’s so mental he can’t live alone?” “It’s not that you can’t live alone, Beau. It’s that Natalie doesn’t want you to be alone. Do you see the difference?” “She has no life outside Jaded Regret and me. I know she has issues, too, but I have no idea what they are because she would never burden me with them. She lives in a constant state of fear that I’m not okay. What kind of life is that for her?” “You’re going to have to be okay with Natalie’s decision to be there for you. It’s her choice, and you can’t do anything about it. What you can control is what is going on with you, though. So let’s focus on that. Can you think of any reason your mental state might have changed? I can up your dosage, but I want to make sure it’s really what you need.” April’s face filled my mind. What had changed my mental state? I had her angelic face seared into my brain, but I knew that there wasn’t any fucking way on Earth I deserved even to look at her, much less do anything else with her. I found myself wanting something beyond what I’d been accustomed to, and it was fucking me up. I knew what my limitations were, but my brain wouldn’t listen. “Where did you go?” Her voice snapped my attention back to her. “You know what happened, don’t you Beau?”

I didn’t want to speak April’s name out loud. If I said it, it would make her part of the disease that was me. “No, I have no idea. Just give me more meds.” If she knew I was lying, she didn’t let on. Maybe if I took enough of the meds, it would stop me from thinking at all, and I could forget I’d ever laid eyes on April Knight.

Beau “BRO.” MY MATTRESS dipped next to me on my bed as someone sat down. I groaned and rolled over. What the hell time was it, and who was waking me up? “Beau.” I cracked my eye open. It was our only motherfucking day off from the last few weeks, and Johnny was sitting on my bed. “What the hell do you want?” “Get up, sunshine.” “Why?” “We’re going to Orlando.” My stomach free fell into my feet. “For what?” “Beats is closing,” Johnny said. Beats? My fuzzy brain refused to register his words because I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of seeing April. But Orlando was a huge place, and the likelihood of seeing her was next to nothing. Not to mention, I didn’t need to see her, anyway. Our trip to New York had been fantastic and productive. I’d forced myself to be a little more social to stay off Natalie’s radar. The new dosage of my meds had helped keep my head in a better place, though I’d planned on staying in bed today to wallow in my own self-misery before the stressful last rehearsals prior to going out on tour. We’d gone on national television and announced our Regretful Tour. It had taken less than one hour for our entire schedule to be sold out. I swore I was still pinching myself that this was my life. We weren’t doing nearly as many stops as we might’ve in the past, only fifteen concerts across a month’s time. It would be jam packed but also get us back home sooner, which had been Bex’s compromise. I’d loved the city and wanted to go back someday. The crazy, busy vibe that pulsed through Manhattan was something I could identify with. “Beau.” Johnny opened my blackout curtains, and I fought the urge to punch him. Why couldn’t they just leave me alone? “Beats?” Oh, Beats. That was our favorite music store we’d come across on one of our tour stops when the owner had been backstage and asked us to come by. He’d given us some epic instruments and equipment for next to nothing so we’d help promote his business. “Did you say they’re closing?” Johnny nodded, throwing a pair of jeans at me. “Yes. He never told us his business was in trouble, but we’re going to help him.” “Help him how?”

“Buy shit,” Johnny said. “Whatever he needs.” “Everyone is going?” Johnny shook his head. “No. Just you and me.” “Why the fuck do I have to go? I was sleeping!” He narrowed his eyes at me. He spent too much time with his wife. “Because he’s done a lot for us, you fuckhead. And I don’t know where Tanner is or whose bed he’s waking up in, and Bex is with the kids and doesn’t want to leave them. Now come on. I’ll get you some damn breakfast on the way.” I grabbed a Henley and my boots and followed Johnny out, stopping only to use the bathroom and brush my teeth.

“Linc, man, how the fuck are ya?” Johnny fist bumped, half hugged Lincoln, the tatted up, pierced owner of Beats. He’d been an aspiring rock star in his earlier days, but had instead turned to teaching others about music. He’d been an important part of the music industry in Florida for as long as I’d been alive. I fist bumped him, both of us nodding in silence at each other. He got me. I inspected the huge yellow signs that screamed “STORE CLOSING.” “What the hell happened, man? Bex just told me this morning that she found out you were closing, and we busted ass up here. Why didn’t you call us? You know my wife. She was upset you didn’t call her.” Linc frowned. “Call you and say what? That business is slow, and I’m losing my ass? I’m okay, Johnny. Been here thirty years, but with the Internet, people buy shit all over now. Small local shops can’t compete anymore.” “You’ve been the greatest supporter of Jaded Regret and other bands like us,” Johnny said. “We could’ve helped you.” He waved his hand, dismissing him. “Nah. I’m good. Going to retire and see what kind of shit I can get into.” “Wanna play?” Johnny indicated the setup behind Linc. “Do I want to rock with Jaded Regret? Well, part of Jaded Regret? Hell yeah!” I settled behind the drum set on display, a little off my game since it wasn’t the setup I was used to. But hey, I could roll with it, right? We banged and rocked as we played classic rock songs. Linc was happy when we played a few Jaded Regret songs with him. He was impressive and knew our stuff. After what seemed like minutes, but had been over an hour, Johnny rested the guitar back on the stand where it had been. I followed him, putting the drumsticks back where I’d picked them up. “I wish you well,” Johnny said, shaking Linc’s hand again. “It’s a shame you can’t keep this place open. But if you’re sure you’re ready to let it go, Jaded Regret would like to purchase the rest of your stock.” Linc stood completely still for a moment before registering what Johnny had said. “Excuse me?” I was shocked, too, and couldn’t imagine how Linc must’ve felt.

Johnny nodded. “It came from the boss lady herself. She wants to start a hangout for the foster kids in our area where they can come play. She wants to have lessons taught by us when we’re there and manned by employees when we aren’t. She wants to give them a place to go to keep them from getting into trouble on the streets.” “Johnny . . .” He held up his hands. “She’s been talking about this for a while, way before she knew anything about your shop closing. It helps both of us, Linc. We will arrange for a company to pack it all up and bring it down to us.” Linc shook his head. “But, Johnny . . .” “Do you want to talk to Bex? You know how she gets when questioned.” Johnny took out his phone and pulled up Bex’s name, hovering his finger over the button to call her. They laughed. Wasn’t that the damn truth. I allowed a small smile, but laughter was hard pressed with me. “No,” Linc said, “I don’t want to cross that woman. The hottest thing in rock music but scary as hell.” “She’s not as scary now,” I said. “Being a mom has changed her. Mostly. Well, okay, she can still be a stubborn bitch, but that’s why we love her.” “I love that woman more than life itself, and even I don’t want to cross her,” Johnny said. They laughed again, lightening the mood. “Are you sure?” Linc gazed around the store. While a lot had been purchased, there was still quite a bit still to go. Pride filled my heart. That was my sister, all right. Bex, the ball buster who would give you the shirt off her back. We knew what it was like to go without and now all she wanted to do was help others. “Beyond sure,” Johnny said. “You give us a total, and we’ll have Natalie wire you the money.” He took an envelope out of his back pocket. “Oh, Bex wanted you to have these, too.” Linc took the envelope like it was a snake that might come out and bite him. When he opened it and saw they were VIP tickets to our Orlando concert, tears filled the big rocker’s eyes. “Get that bitch on the phone,” he said, wiping his eyes. “I have a bone to pick with her.”

“I’m fucking proud to be part of this band,” I said, setting my sweet tea down next to my sandwich and chips. Johnny and I had stopped for lunch before heading back home. We were both wearing hats low over our eyes, and so far, we hadn’t been spotted. Johnny had left Heath with Bex, so we were on our own. “You and Bex were the beginning of this band,” Johnny said, pausing to chew. “If it weren’t for the two of you, there would be no Jaded Regret.” “I don’t think of shit like that,” I said. “She just bought hundreds of thousands of dollars of instruments to not only help Linc, but to help all these kids as well.” Johnny nodded. “Yes, she did.” Silence stretched over us for a few minutes as we ate, both of us lost in our thoughts. Bex had not only

created a safe place for kids who had aged out of the system to learn how to be adults, but now she was going to give teens a place to escape life in a healthy way and mentor them, too. What would’ve happened had we had someone like her in our corner when we were impressionable teenagers? Thankfully, we’d turned to each other and played music instead of what we could’ve turned to, but still. I remembered the day I first laid eyes on Bexley Bryant like it was yesterday. Natalie and I sat outside, anything to escape being inside the house. We’d only been here a few weeks. We had no idea how many houses we’d been in over the last four years, but we knew this one would be the last one we’d stay in. We already had plans to get the hell out of here. Natalie was about to age out soon, and there wasn’t any way in hell I’d stay in there without her. It’s not like anyone would care if I disappeared out of the system. That would just be one less kid they had to keep track of, and I didn’t want to be tracked anymore. I wanted to be free of hoping I’d have a family again. I had Natalie. She was all I needed. We’d almost been adopted once. Until the prospective parents read my file and our family history. They’d gone as far as meeting us and taking us for ice cream. We never saw them again. I’d like to say I was surprised, but I wasn’t. As we sat there in silence, a nondescript car we knew belonged to one of the social workers pulled up to the curb. She stepped out, her frizzy hair reaching us before she did. We squinted up into the sun, watching as the back door opened and a teenage girl stepped out. My first impression was she was gorgeous, but looked like the most pissed off person I’d ever seen. Her dark hair covered half her face and her dark clothing hid her body. I immediately connected with her. I didn’t know her name, what her story was, or how long she would be here. She walked up the steps and stopped next to us, silently regarding us. Natalie smiled, but I didn’t. The girl, who I’d later learn was Bex, rolled her eyes at Natalie and nodded her head at me. “Hey,” was all she said, and I knew this girl would be part of my life forever. Our broken souls connected that day in a way only long lost family could. While some of the guys—okay, all of them—in the foster home drooled over Bex and wanted to get her into their bed, I never saw her that way. I didn’t even want to think about what had happened the day I found out who had hurt her. To this day, I would kill anyone who tried to hurt either of my sisters. It had taken me a long time to be okay with Johnny being in Bex’s life. To be honest, it wasn’t until I saw her holding Lennox that I felt like maybe he wouldn’t take her heart and put it in a blender. “Beau.” Johnny’s voice broke my daydream. I realized I hadn’t taken another bite of my lunch and probably appeared to be a freak sitting here staring into space. “Sorry. Wow. Don’t know where my head went.” “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you’ve been fucked up lately,” Johnny said. “Bex is worried as fuck about you. I just know you don’t like people in your business, so I’ve been staying back. Just know, you’re my brother, man. I’m here anytime you need something.”

My chest tightened. No one will ever love you because you are unlovable. I exhaled, forcing my hands to pick up my sandwich without shaking. “You know we’re all a little fucked up,” Johnny continued, used to my silence. “I know we don’t sit down and have heart-to-hearts and shit, but you know a lot about my past. It’s only because of Bex my chest doesn’t tighten up, and I don’t scream in my sleep anymore. You know this, right?” I nodded. “Thanks, Johnny. I’ve been doing better. Some days are just hard.” “I don’t need you to tell me everything. I just want you to know you aren’t alone.” “Beau? Johnny?” I snapped my head up and met the eyes I’d both wished for and dreaded seeing again. Of all the places for her to be today during her lunchtime, it just had to be here. Johnny beat me to it. “April? Wow. How crazy to run into you here?” She might’ve said something to him, but I honestly had no idea. “What are you doing here?” Her hypnotizing gaze settled directly on me. “We went to Beats, the music store that’s closing.” Johnny again took up the slack for me. I hadn’t said a word. I wasn’t even sure I was breathing. My sandwich was stuck in my esophagus and left me unable to speak a word. “Oh yeah! I heard about that. You came all the way here for that?” “He’s a friend of ours.” Johnny finally glanced over at me, giving me the “what the hell” look before sliding out of the booth. “Excuse me, April.” He eyed me. “Beau, I’m going to the restroom. You ready to leave when I get back?” I nodded, my eyes still connected to April’s. Johnny walked away, and April slid into his spot. “It’s great to see you,” April murmured, twisting a straw wrapper with her fingers. “I wasn’t sure if I’d see you again before your concert here.” I realized I still hadn’t said a word to her and needed to respond. “It’s good to see you, too.” April was in a pair of black dress pants and a purple silk top. Small pearls dotted her earlobes, and a matching necklace draped around her neck. Her makeup was classy and understated. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I found myself wondering what would happen if I released those buttons and . . . Damn, I was growing hard. “You on your lunch break?” I had to say something to stop my train of thought. A vision of her creamy skin, bare in front of me, came to my mind. April nodded. “Yes. You guys were off today?” “Bex has been busting our asses lately, so we have the day off. We’re heading out on tour soon, so it’s time to wrap up our stuff. Bex is spending time with the kids.” Her eyes widened, and I realized it was because I’d spoken several sentences at once to her. “I have a question for you.” Questions unnerved me, but she liked to ask them. Unease settled in my stomach, and I wanted to look away from her, but I didn’t. I nodded once, not trusting myself to say anything. “I can ask Bex if you want me to, but I was wondering if when you guys came up here for the concert if you’d have time to come to one of the group homes and hang out with the kids? We would run a story

here for our paper to help with awareness of the children who are up for adoption. So yeah, we would totally use you.” April laughed, flipping her hair behind her shoulder. I smelled her floral perfume again. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was go into a group home ever again. I’d had enough of seeing those. However, I wasn’t the boss of this band, and I knew Bex would absolutely want to do it. “I’d say ask Natalie to see what our schedule is like. Bex will want to do it if we have time between our stop here and wherever we go after that.” “Would you want to do it?” Ah, so she wanted me to talk about myself. I shrugged. “I do whatever the band does.” She shook her head, a smile playing on her intoxicating lips. “Does it bother you to be around kids . . . like you?” Kids like me? “You mean be around kids whose parents abandoned them and left them in a system that couldn’t care less what happens to them?” An appearance of pain crossed April’s face. I didn’t mean to hurt her, but it was the damn truth. The system was broken. “I care,” she whispered. “I care so much about all these kids that I go home and cry almost every night. I want to take all of them. Even the ones they say are ‘unadoptable.’” “That was me,” I said so low I didn’t know if she heard me. No one wants you. No one will ever want you. I don’t even want you. I never did. I knew the second you were born you were just like him. But when her hand came across the table and rested on mine, I knew my words hadn’t gone unnoticed. My initial reaction was to jerk back and stop her from touching me, but it was surprisingly nice for her skin to be touching mine. The voice subsided, and I found myself lifting my eyes to hers. “I don’t know your entire story, but I want to know you, Beau. I don’t care if you never tell me what God awful things happened to you in your life. I don’t need to know unless you want me to.” I shook my head. She didn’t want to know me. She thought she did because she felt something when she was around me, but it wouldn’t last. I would take her down with me. She’d figure out the fucked-up shit in my head, and she’d run for the hills. If my own mother didn’t stay, what in the hell would stop her from leaving? “I know that’s hard for you to understand,” she continued. “I get it. I’ve thought a lot about you in the weeks since we first met. I know you feel unworthy because of your past. I see it all the time. What happened to you to get you in foster care does not define who you are, Beau.” Anger flooded my veins. How the fuck would she know anything about what had happened to me? “Oh, you mean the fact my mother left me and never came back? The one person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world? Don’t fucking pretend you know me just because you work with foster kids. I’m not a fucking project.” I slid out of the booth, and that’s when I heard it. “Oh, my God!” Voices shrieked from behind me. I turned just in time to see Johnny walking across the restaurant. Three girls had recognized him and were about to cause a scene. “Fuck,” I said, walking away from April. I strode toward Johnny. We had to get out of here. I wasn’t dealing with any of that. “It’s Johnny Gibbons!” Just as I approached him, the other two gasped.

“It’s Beau Anderson!” “Where’s Bex and Tanner? Oh, my God, Jaded Regret is here!” Johnny smiled and shook their hands. They pulled us both in for a selfie as I saw April standing on the outskirts of the growing crowd. She wasn’t smiling. In fact, she seemed hurt. Of course. I’d opened my fucking mouth and hurt her. Well, this was exactly why I chose not to talk most of the time.

“Well, that was fucking crazy,” Johnny said, peeling the car out of the parking lot. He watched in the rearview mirror, hoping to lose anyone who might try to follow us. We’d gotten stuck inside the restaurant, signing autographs and taking pictures, until the manager had come out and made everyone move. That’s when we’d taken the chance we’d been given and escaped. I hadn’t seen April since I’d caught her standing on the edge of the crowd, watching the two of us getting accosted by fans. It was still crazy to me that people wanted things I signed or to take a picture with me. I needed to apologize to her, but I wasn’t able to find her in the crowd, and we’d had to take the chance to leave when we could. Then again, maybe it was for the best that I’d upset her. Maybe she wouldn’t want to get to know me anymore, and it would solve the problem I had with feeling something around her. “You know what Bex is going to say,” I said. A chuckle bubbled up in my chest but I stopped it. I was glad Johnny was going home to her and not me. Now he got the brunt of her bitchiness. Johnny groaned. “She’s going to tell me she was fucking right and I should’ve taken Heath. Damn, I hate when that woman is right.” We exchanged a knowing look, and he laughed. I’d never seen anyone love a woman the way Johnny loved Bex, so I knew as much as we were bitching about it, he would put up with anything from her because he loved her more than life itself. I didn’t understand that feeling. “She sure is going to tell you that,” I agreed. “Can I come home with you and watch?” “Shut up. She may be right and she may rub it in my face that she was, but I know a quick way to shut her up.” I held up my hands. “I don’t need to know.” God, we all knew plenty about their sex life. Johnny laughed again. I wished laughter would come that easily for me. “Soooo . . . April.” It was a statement, not a question. One I planned to ignore. I gazed out the window, watching the scenery fly by as Johnny careened the sports car onto the highway to head home. I pulled out my phone as it chimed, seeing a text from Natalie. What the hell happened? I see you two all over Twitter. You’re TRENDING! Hashtag JadedRegretHotties. You two can’t go anywhere! “Oh, shit,” I said. “What?” Johnny’s eyes slid to me briefly before turning back to the road.

“Natalie just texted me that we’re trending on Twitter.” Johnny rolled his eyes. “Figures.” Just as he finished speaking, a call came through the Bluetooth. “Hey Bex.” “You guys have fun at the restaurant?” Laughter laced her voice. “You could say that,” Johnny said. “I think I got fondled.” Bex snorted. “I’m sure you liked it.” “I only like being fondled by you.” “Hey! Brother in the car!” I yelled, sticking my fingers in my ears. I could hear their laughter even with my eardrums blocked. “So I guess taking Heath would’ve been a good idea, huh?” Johnny glanced at me and grinned. “Ah, baby, but we were fine. We totally handled it like the men we are. Right, Beau?” “Right.” I was somewhat on Bex’s side for this one. “We ran into April at the restaurant before we got recognized.” “Really!” Bex said. “How is she?” “Ask Beau,” Johnny said, a smirk on his face. I wanted to smack him. “I went to the restroom and that’s when all hell broke loose.” Laughter echoed throughout the car. “You were violated in the bathroom?” “No, after I came out,” Johnny said. “Don’t worry, no one saw my giant manhood, love.” I groaned. “Again. Please. Brother. In. The. Car.” “Beau,” Bex said. “How was April?” Why did I have the feeling these two were up to something? “She’s fine. We didn’t talk much before Mr. Sex on Legs over here caused a ruckus.” Bex sputtered. “Sex on legs? Did you just say that, Beau?” I cringed, wrinkling my nose at Johnny as he laughed. “That’s what those girls were saying. Trust me, the nickname did not come from me.” “Beau is jealous,” Johnny said. “He wants to be called Mr. Sex on Legs.” “I absolutely do not.” “Well you have your share of fans,” Johnny said. “I think that April is the president of your fan club.” “I gotta go, Johnny. Jaden is crying. Be safe, you two.” The line disconnected and Johnny and I fell back into silence. After a few minutes, his eyes slid over to me. “Beau, you know April is into you, right?” “She doesn’t know me.” He sighed. “Are you ever going to let anyone in?” I shrugged. “It’s not worth it.” “I used to think that, too,” Johnny said. “I don’t need to get into details on how Bex and I began.” He didn’t. We all knew—and heard—their no-strings-sex for three days when we’d played at the Outrigger near home. What we hadn’t expected was what happened after that. “You know I never thought I’d be that

person, the one who settled down and got married. But I’m telling you, Beau, once you have the right person, it’s everything. Abso-fucking-lutely everything.” I thought back to their wedding. I’d officiated it, and it’d be the closest I ever came to committing myself to someone. No one deserved to be saddled with my issues. “It’s not for me,” I argued. “You and Bex, you helped each other out of your pasts. No one can do that for me because my past is my present and my future. There’s no getting around who I am and what I always will be.” Johnny’s brow furrowed. He glanced over at me for a second before adjusting his vision back to the road. “Beau, you aren’t a disease. No one is perfect. Not a single damn person. Everyone deserves someone to look at them like they are their whole world. The reason I’m telling you this is because I didn’t think I deserved it, either. I was wrong. You’re wrong, too.” You’re cancer, spreading like wildfire. “Johnny, April is a beautiful woman. Most guys would cut off a nut to be with her. And that’s exactly why I need to stay the hell away from her. I can’t be the person she deserves. I’m not the person anyone deserves.” “Do you see the way her eyes follow you everywhere you go?” “I can see she thinks I’m a fucking charity case. She pities me, Johnny. She thinks of me like she does one of her foster kids.” “I don’t know what made you think that. I see her staring at you the way a woman looks at a man she wants to get to know. I see her watching you, even when you aren’t paying attention. And I know the difference between a woman just wanting in your pants and one who is genuinely interested in you as a person. You know what I used to be like before Bex.” “She’s gorgeous and is from an affluent family. She’s got an important job. She’s successful. I’m . . .” “One of the best drummers in all of rock music? Successful? What does she have that you don’t?” “She’s so . . . pure. I’m . . . not. I’m not the kind of guy you take home to your parents. I’m the type of guy you hide from your parents because they would never approve.” I flipped the visor down and regarding my reflection, trying to understand what she might see in me. “Because you have tattoos and piercings?” Because of who and what they represent. “Because of who I am, Johnny. Inside, outside, the whole package. I’m not good enough for someone like her.” “I’m not sure she would agree.” “It doesn’t matter, anyway,” I said, flipping the visor closed and leaning back against the seat. Visions of April’s beautiful face watching me across the restaurant filled my memory. “I don’t want her.”

April “LET’S SET UP the visit to the group home the day after the Orlando concert,” Natalie said. “Does that work?” I clicked the email icon on my computer and brought up the contact information for Trent, the director of the group home’s, contact info. “I’ll verify it with them, but it should be okay. We’ll do promo pics and have them play a few things with the kids.” “Sounds great. Just as a warning, Bex hates the thought of Jaded Regret getting promo for things like this, so let’s not focus on the band as much as we concentrate on the band wanting others to realize how many kids are in need of homes in our state and our country.” My heart soared. “Got it. Thanks again, girl.” “Heard you saw Beau and Johnny the other day.” Natalie laughed. “Talk about good promo. Good Lord, they were trending on Twitter for days after that. People posted videos and pictures all over.” I thought back to my hand on Beau’s and the look in his eyes when I’d said something about kids like him. I’d been so stupid to say that. I hadn’t meant it the way it had come out, but of course, I had to stick my damn foot in my mouth. We hadn’t even gotten to say one more word to each other after that. All I’d been trying to do was get him to open up to me. I was so stupid to think he’d trust me enough to tell me something so personal. The way he stared at me as if he could see straight inside me was unnerving. He was the most serious person I’d ever met. The most I ever saw from him was a small smirk, almost like he refused to let himself be happy enough to smile. The only time I’d seen him somewhat happy was around Bex’s kids. When our eyes locked, it was an experience like I’d never had in my life. And he wanted nothing to do with me. “April?” I realized Natalie had been talking, and I was daydreaming. “Yeah, I saw them. It was quite a scene after they were found out. I had to go back to work, so I didn’t get to see all of it.” “You like Beau,” Natalie said, shocking me into silence. We’d become friends. Dare I say, good friends, in the weeks since we’d met. We talked almost every day, and most of the time it was no longer about the band. But I’d been terrified to speak to her about her brother for fear I’d jinx any chance I might have at getting through to him. “He’s a great guy.”

Natalie laughed. “I think he is, yes, but you haven’t seen that side of him. You’ve tried, but he’s not opening up. How close am I?” I blew out a breath. “Hit the nail on the damn head.” “Why didn’t you talk to me about it before now? I could tell the night we met you that you were into him.” “I didn’t want you to think I was just talking to you to get information on your brother.” “I’m a good judge of character. I knew you weren’t a groupie just trying to get him into bed. Even if you were, you’d be barking up the wrong tree.” “He doesn’t sleep around.” Natalie coughed. “As much as I don’t want to think about my baby brother and doing that at all, no. He’s only had one girlfriend his whole life, if you want to call her that. I still don’t know what happened there, but he isn’t into being with anyone. Not for lack of them trying, of course.” “He doesn’t like me anyway,” I said, fidgeting with my necklace as we spoke. My stomach felt like I’d swallowed a couple rocks with my lunchtime salad. “April, let me tell you something about my brother. You know he’s serious. There are reasons for that, reasons I can’t get into because it isn’t my story to tell. However, I watched my brother around you both times we saw you. His eyes never left you, no matter where you went. I’ve never seen him do that to anyone. Anyone.” My throat was so dry, I couldn’t swallow. I picked up my water and guzzled it, my mind racing. “I think I hurt his feelings when I saw him the other day.” Natalie sighed. “He’s sensitive. It’s hard because of what you do for a living, I think. It’s a part of his life he never wants to think about and when you are around, it reminds him. I believe this group home visit will be difficult for him.” She seemed to know what I’d said to him, and it worried me. If he’d told her, it probably meant I had, in fact, upset him. I needed to know. “Did he tell you what I said?” “No. Beau rarely tells me anything. That’s just him. Here’s some advice for you. When you see him next week, don’t pussy foot around him. If you want to get to know him, you’re going to have to push him some. I can’t make you any promises about what will happen, but I’d say you’ll have to push him outside his norm if you want a chance at all.” “Thank you, Natalie. There’s just something about him I can’t get out of my head.” “I only hope someone as great as you could be the person to get through to my brother, April. It would make my life for him to have a reason to smile. He deserves that and then some.”

“April.” Bella stuck her head into my open doorway. “We got a call that we’re getting a transfer in and they want to bring him to Kids Life Group Home, but they say they are at capacity.” I sighed, pushing my chair back. “Where’s he from, and do we not have any available foster homes?”

“The Miami area, I believe.” I furrowed my brow. “Why is he coming here?” Bella shrugged. “I don’t know. You didn’t know about this? I assumed it had been approved by you already.” The lack of communication in this profession was astounding sometimes. I’d already spent my morning at the courthouse, overseeing my social workers with their current cases and a few of my own that I’d kept even after I became a supervisor. I was frustrated and exhausted, and it was barely noon. “No, I didn’t know. There aren’t any foster homes available?” Bella frowned. “I guess the child’s history has made every foster home turn him down.” I rubbed my temples, feeling a headache coming. “How old is he?” “He’s nine.” “What’s his history?” I knew from experience that saying “oh, he’s just nine” could bite you right in the ass. While most nine years olds still played with toys and loved their parents, kids who were nine in the foster care system oftentimes had a lot done to them or seen a lot in their lives. “In and out of foster care since infancy. Mom was given the chance to get him back several times.” “Dad?” Bella shook her head. “Not in the picture. No dad listed on birth certificate.” “So what’s mom’s deal now?” “They didn’t tell me, just that he was in the system again and probably would be for a long time, if not forever. The kid has issues, as you can imagine. He was kicked out of several foster homes in the Miami area.” I picked up my phone and dialed Kids Life Group Home. After being put on hold for several minutes, the director finally picked up. He was a great friend of mine and someone I trusted. “Trent.” “April, hey. Is this about the boy?” He knew me well. “Yes. I need you to take him, Trent.” “April, you know I’ll do anything for you, but I’m full. I really can’t.” I sighed. I was going to have to sleep in the office with this child tonight if I didn’t find somewhere for him to go. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d had to do that in my career, and it more than likely wouldn’t be the last. “Have any connections to any foster homes you could sweet talk into taking him for a few days?” Trent snorted. “You know the issues around here, April. The foster homes are bulging with kids, and none of them are leaving.” Unshed tears stung the backs of my eyes, and I didn’t understand why. I’d been doing this for years, and this wasn’t the first time I’d been in this situation, and I knew it wouldn’t be my last. I could only hope the spotlight with Jaded Regret that would run on all our local news channels and in our newspaper would shed some light on our foster system and get quality people who wanted to help these kids. “Can you just take him tonight, Trent? I promise I’ll figure out something tomorrow for him.”

He sighed. “April . . .” Bella’s phone rang and she stepped out. I watched as she paced back and forth, eyeing me. She must’ve been on the phone with the other counselor. She walked back in, her hand over the mouthpiece. “Where are they taking him? They’re downstairs.” “Just have them bring him to me,” I said. “I’ll figure out what to do.” “Let me see what I can do, but unless someone leaves, it can’t be permanent, April.” I hung up the phone and stepped out of my office, following Bella to the main entrance where a harried counselor was trying to keep up with a pissed off little boy. He was the most adorable thing I’d ever seen with dark hair just a bit too long and dark eyes. He stomped ahead of the worker, his face flushed and his mouth in a straight line. When he saw me, he stopped, crossing his arms in front of him as his eyes flashed up at me. “Are you April Knight?” The older woman huffed, holding a bag on her shoulder. “Yes.” “Here you go,” she said, shoving the bag into my chest. “Good luck.” She turned to walk away. “Wait! What’s he doing here? Why was he transferred?” She glanced down at the little boy and then back to me. “He and his mother were here. I’m not sure why. She’s in the hospital.” I gazed down at him, and that’s when I saw his lip quiver just once before he bit it. “Bella, take . . .” I regarded the woman. “What’s his name?” “Robbie.” “Take Robbie into the cafeteria and see if he wants something to eat,” I instructed. “I’ll meet you there in a few minutes.” Robbie lifted his chin in defiance and I wondered if he’d go with her. Bella held out her hand for him, and although he turned away from her, he did follow her into the building. He hadn’t spoken a word. I watched them walk away before turning back to the other counselor. “What happened?” “His mother is in critical condition, not expected to make it,” she said, sadness lacing her tone. “I’m not sure what the details are, but I know he was the one who called 9–1-1. When the officers arrived, they looked up the mom and him, and that’s how they found out the rest of the information.” “And no dad of record?” She shook her head. “No. And Robbie hasn’t spoken a word since he called 9–1-1. When they took his mother away, he was screaming and crying. The officers had to hold him to get him to stop trying to run.” Tears pricked my eyes again. This poor kid. “Okay, thank you.” I walked back inside, my heart heavy for this child. Deep pain set in when I thought of what would happen to him now.

I stepped back and studied at my reflection in the mirror. Did I seem like I was trying too hard? Tonight was the Jaded Regret concert, and I didn’t just want to look hotter than ever before—I needed to. I’d had the craziest, most stressful twenty-four hours of my life, and I couldn’t wait to scream along with the fans while watching Beau beat the hell out of his drums. Since meeting him, I’d been watching YouTube videos of drummers from all the most popular rock bands. I wanted to understand his passion and be able to talk to him. I may be a little biased, but I still thought he was the best at what he did. Trent had mercy on me and had taken Robbie into the group home. Taking him there had broken my heart. Robbie hadn’t spoken one word, even when Bella had taken him in to get something to eat. He’d chosen a hot dog, chips, and water without saying anything at all to her. He’d eaten in silence, and when directly spoken to, he didn’t respond. When I’d pulled up to the group home, his eyes had been large and watery, but he still hadn’t said a word. When I’d crouched down next to him and told him he would be safe here, he’d just nodded and walked away from me, clutching his bag to his chest. When I’d talked to Trent earlier, he said Robbie was in his room, clutching a photo of what seemed to be of him and his mom. He wouldn’t eat or talk. I’d also called the hospital and found out Robbie’s mother had passed away. I hadn’t had the heart to call Trent and tell him yet. I’d sat there and cried, my heart breaking for this little boy who had already lived most of his life in the system, and now was parentless. His mom had a drug problem, and he’d not only been born addicted to them, but had been taken from her no less than five times since then. No one knew what she was doing in this area when they lived near Miami, but she’d died of a heroin overdose. I would never understand how a parent could see the sweet face of their child, the flesh and blood they gave birth to, and do such vile and horrible things to them. “Holy shit!” Camryn’s voice interrupted my sad thoughts. “Where is April? What have you done with her?” I smacked my ruby red lips together and pushed up my cleavage. This outfit was way outside my norm, hence Camryn’s reaction. This was more her style. “Do I look hot?” Camryn eyed me up and down. “I’d totally swing the other way for you in this outfit. You are smokin’! What’s the occasion?” “I’m going to get the attention of a certain quiet drummer,” I said, fluffing my hair with my fingers. “Let’s go. I want to be early.” Camryn hurried behind me, squealing the whole way about me landing Beau. I stopped short at the door, causing her to run into my back. “Cami, I don’t just want him for one night.” She lifted her eyebrows at me. “You what?” “I want more than a roll in the sack with him.” “But, then . . . why are you dressed like that?” She was right. I was being rather contradictory. “I want him to really see me.” “Oh, he’ll see you,” she said, “he’ll probably poke himself in the eye with his drumstick he’ll see you so well.”

Beau seeing me was only the beginning of what I wanted.

Camryn and I walked down the darkened hallway to see the band before they took the stage. Their opening act was already jamming on the stage. They seemed talented, but I couldn’t care less about seeing them. My stomach was in knots waiting to see Beau. I knew he’d be standoffish, but if anything, I wanted to apologize for what had happened when I saw him at the restaurant. A large bodyguard blocked the door with Jaded Regret’s logo on it. We flashed the backstage passes Bex had given us, and he stepped aside, opening the door for us. I’d never in my life been behind the scenes of a rock concert, much less with the band I’d come to think of as my friends. My eyes scanned the room, seeing Bex on Johnny’s lap, Tanner on his phone, and Beau tapping on his leg with his signature drumsticks. Natalie wasn’t in here. We shut the door behind us, and all four sets of eyes swung to us. “April!” Bex stood and gave me a quick hug. “Camryn, right?” Camryn nodded, her eyes across the room on Tanner. He stood and made his way to us. “Cami,” he said, his voice low. His eyes raked up and down her body before settling back on her face. “You are fucking hot. Come on over here with me.” He took her hand and led her to the loveseat. She curled her legs under her and turned her body toward him. I’d lost her already. “That didn’t take long,” Bex muttered. “Glad you guys could make it! We’re going on in about thirty minutes. Natalie’s out being a manager somewhere. Please, make yourself at home. Do you want a drink or something?” I nodded and Bex grabbed me a beer, popping the top and handing it to me. I didn’t want it, but I needed something to stop the nervous butterflies from attacking my stomach. Beau’s eyes remained on me from where he sat in the corner, but he hadn’t said a word. “Talk to him,” Johnny murmured into my ear. I took a gulp of my beer, hoping for some liquid courage. I didn’t even like beer, being much more of a wine girl myself. But it worked, because my shoulders relaxed and the stress of the last few days started to melt away. I studied Beau as he tapped, his eyes now closed instead of watching me. He was mesmerizing to watch. I was sitting with Beau Anderson. I couldn’t believe it. Before I knew it, the bottle was empty, and my head was a little fuzzy. Guess that’s what happens when you forget to eat first. I smoothed my short skirt and strode over to him, stopping in front of him. His eyes were still closed, but I knew he detected me there because his hands stilled. “Beau,” I said. I turned my face slightly so I could see what everyone else was doing. Johnny and Bex were kissing, making desire curl into my belly at the apparent love in their touch. Tanner and Camryn had their heads together, whispering but not touching. We were as alone as we could be in this room. His eyes finally opened, training right on me. “April.” I waited for him to look at me, really see me, but his eyes never left mine. Defeat settled in my chest. He didn’t care what I wore or what I did. He

wanted nothing to do with me. “I-I just wanted to apologize for what I said the last time we saw each other. I didn’t mean it the way it came out.” His forehead crinkled like he was trying to remember what I’d said. “It’s fine,” he said finally. I perched on the chair next to him. He started tapping on his legs again, and I moved my hands so they were over his. He immediately stopped. “Show me.” His hands were still for a few beats too long, and I figured he wasn’t going to do it. I was about to move when he put the drumsticks in my hands and began moving, tapping a rapid beat I’d never remember. I turned my head so I could watch his face as he played my hands with his drumsticks. With my face so close to his, I was able to study the tattoos on his neck, the short dark hair on his beard, his nose ring, and his incredible eyes. They were so dark they looked black, but they were the one part of him that showed expression. His hands stilled as he realized how close I was to his face. Beau slightly turned my way. My hands were still under his, clutching his drumsticks like they were the last lifeline I had. They just might’ve been. My eyes scanned his flawless face. He had the most beautiful skin, and I wanted to touch him again. My eyes flitted to his lips. God, what it would be like to press my lips to his, I could only imagine. “Did you . . . keep your drumsticks?” I felt his warm breath against my lips, and I shuddered. Tingles spread from my spine down to my toes and back again, making goose bumps break out on my skin. I wanted nothing more than to grab him and show him exactly why he should want to get to know me better. I licked my dry lips and nodded my head. “O-of course. I told you I’d save them forever.” He nodded. His thumbs caressed my hands and I froze, wondering if he knew what he was doing and afraid if I moved he would realize it and stop. “You’re so handsome.” My legs shook as adrenaline coursed through my body. “There’s nothing better than seeing you doing what you love.” Beau’s eyes searched mine as if trying to read into what I said. Of course, he didn’t believe me. Why would he? I knew from experience kids who had been abandoned never quite got over the belief that nothing they did was good enough or would bring back the people they loved. He was no different. But I had to keep my mouth shut because that’s what had gotten me into trouble before with him. I wanted nothing more than to kiss Beau, to show him with my mouth what I couldn’t say in words. But I was terrified of what his reaction would be, and after the stress I’d been under over Robbie, I didn’t think my fragile psyche could handle one more thing. One of Beau’s hands moved, and I knew the moment was over. He’d want me to get away from him now. But instead, I felt his hand touch the side of my face like I’d done to him on the rooftop deck. “You . . .” Beau cleared his throat. I could physically see how hard this was for him to do. “April.” It came out a strained whisper, like it physically pained him to say my name. I didn’t want him to hurt because of me. “It’s okay,” I said, putting my hand over his on my face. “You don’t have to talk. Just know I’m here, all right?”

He shook his head, moving his hand and entwining our fingers together. Then he shocked the hell out of me and kissed my palm, his eyes never leaving mine. “You . . . smell incredible,” he whispered against my skin. “You’re . . . beautiful. So beautiful.” If I hadn’t been listening to every syllable like they were the last sounds I’d ever hear, I might’ve missed what he said. But I’d heard every damn one of them. “Time to go!” Natalie’s voice came from behind us, and I wanted to cry. Of course, we’d be interrupted now. Beau stood, his fingers still linked with mine. He leaned over and brushed his lips against my cheek, stopping at my ear. “Stay after the show.” He dropped my hand and stepped around me, but I was frozen in place. Desire pulsed through my body like nothing I’d ever experienced before, and the biggest smile broke across my face. Beau Anderson had kissed my hand. And my cheek. He’d asked me to stay after the show. I thought my head just might explode right off my body.

I was in a hotel room with Beau Anderson. I was alone in a hotel room with Beau Anderson. He’d either asked Natalie not to come back to the room, or she’d made herself scarce. I’d barely been able to contain myself the entire show. Beau had stared straight at me the whole time he played, or at least, I pretended he did. I’d never been so turned on in my entire life from a kiss to the hand and the cheek. Since it was only the second show they’d played from their new tour, the first being in their hometown, the crowd was on fire for the new music they’d never played live before. Camryn had tried to get me to talk about what had happened, but I couldn’t even form words. It wasn’t like a whole lot had happened anyway, at least not by her standards. To me, however, I felt like I’d just won the damn lottery. I was shaking my leg nervously, watching Beau as he poured us both a soda from his mini fridge. He hadn’t said a word to me after the show, just simply held out his hand and walked with me back to his room. I’d been afraid to breathe for fear he’d change his mind. He slid the glass across the table to me, and I took it, gulping it a little too eagerly. I needed to relax. It wasn’t like he’d bite me or anything. “So this was show number two, right?” He nodded. “Yep. Out of fifteen.” “You seem to be getting a great response to your new stuff,” I said. It was not at all what I wanted to talk about, but my bravery had seemed to have taken a hiatus. Beau said nothing, just watched me over the rim of his glass as he sipped. He had showered and changed, now wearing a black short-sleeve shirt that was taut over his muscular chest and a pair of faded jeans. His hair was still wet, and I wanted nothing more than to run my fingers through it. My outfit had seemingly gone unnoticed; Beau looked at me no differently than when I was in my work clothes.

“Tell me how you became a social worker,” Beau said. “My mom was a foster kid,” I started, watching as his eyebrows lifted in response. “She aged out of the system and was just running wild. A lot of bad stuff happened, and she ended up in the hospital. My dad was a medical student and was doing his ER rotation when my mom was brought in. They weren’t sure she was going make it.” I stopped, thinking about poor Robbie and his mom. I wondered if they had told him yet. “My dad felt drawn to her, so he kept going to check on her. She, of course, pulled through, and they’ve been inseparable ever since. She’ll tell you my dad saved her life. She’s worked tirelessly through their whole marriage to raise money and awareness for adoption and foster kids. My dad always wanted me to be a doctor like him. After Lucia . . .” My voice cracked. It had been so long, but it was still painful to talk about. “She was your sister, right?” Beau shocked the hell out of me by knowing something I hadn’t told him. He’d done homework on me? I nodded. “I-I don’t remember much about her. I was just a baby when she got sick, and a toddler when she passed away. Sometimes I have dreams of her I think are real, but I just don’t know. It’s too painful for my parents to talk about. My dad was always worried losing Lucia would send my mom into a tailspin, but it didn’t. She wasn’t the same person anymore, the broken one he’d found in the hospital. She was the wife of Dr. Knight. Anyway, I always said I was going to be a doctor like him until I got into college. I felt a pull, a calling toward social work. It’s a tough job and is often very thankless. But I don’t regret it for a second.” “Did he become a neurologist because of her?” I nodded. “They had Lucia before they were married, only a year after they met, so my dad was still doing his residency. He decided to focus on neurology once she got sick. Now he’s one of the most sought after pediatric neurologists in the country.” “Do you take kids from their homes?” Beau asked the question so quietly I almost missed it. “Yes, sometimes I do have to do that,” I said. “But other times, I get to take them back home, too.” “What has been the hardest case of your career so far?” There was no way I could tell him everything I’d seen over the years. Most of it would be too painful for him to think about with his history. I found myself thinking of Robbie again. “There’s been so many, Beau. But this week, I’ve been so stressed out because I got a new little boy in and I’m so worried about him.” “Why?” I thought of Robbie’s big brown eyes and shaggy hair, his face angry and determined. “He’s nine years old and has been in and out of foster care his whole life. His mom had a drug problem, and he was born addicted. Since then, he’s been taken from her at least five times and then given back.” Beau glanced down at the table, his fingers tapping a beat on the grain of the wood. He mumbled under his breath, but I couldn’t hear what he said. “This time,” I started, but my throat closed up on me. I tried to swallow but I couldn’t past the huge

lump that had formed. Tears stung behind my eyes. I couldn’t cry in front of him. I wouldn’t. Beau lifted his face and watched me, waiting for me to continue. “S-she overdosed. Her child had to call 9–1-1. That’s when social services got involved and found out his history. She died in the hospital. I don’t know if he knows yet that he has no one left in the world.” “No other family?” For a second, Beau’s eyes seemed glassy, but when his eyes met mine again, it was gone. I shook my head. “No father. We don’t have any idea where the mother’s family is. He’s a ward of the state now and is in the group home you guys will be visiting tomorrow. When I left him there, he hadn’t uttered a word. I’ve seen a lot of sadness, Beau, but this one is just hitting me too hard.” Beau watched me as I struggled to keep my composure. I looked like an emotional basket case in front of him, but it was how I felt. This was not just a job to me. “Parents don’t always love their kids,” Beau finally said. “Not all people should be parents.” I nodded. “That is true.” I didn’t pry for more information, knowing he would tell me whatever he wanted. “So you have no other siblings?” “No. My mom and I would always go volunteer with foster kids or at the hospital. I was always busy as a child, so I never missed having a sibling. Plus, my mom was young when I was born, so it was almost like having a friend.” Beau stared at me, not blinking. “A friend?” “We were very close—still are.” He turned away, examining a speck of nothing on the wall. “My mom hated me.” I wasn’t sure what to say to that. Should I say it wasn’t true? But what if it was? So I said nothing, just waited to see if he would elaborate. He started tapping again, closing his eyes. I put one hand over his, and his eyes flew open at my touch. “Anyone who hates you is a fool, especially the person who held you in her body and promised to take care of you.” Beau shook his head, a look so painful crossing his face it hurt me deep in my core. “I should’ve never been born,” he whispered. I was sure the fissure that had cracked my heart from the situation with Robbie just splintered and fell into shards, piercing me from the inside out.

Beau WHY THE HELL did you say that to her, you moron? April was silent, and I didn’t blame her. What the hell would someone say to that? She hardly knew me, and here I was telling her what I thought of myself. I also told her my mom hated me? What had gotten into me? Those were things that needed to stay inside my head. No one needed to know what went on in that crazy place. She said she and her mom were like friends; that was what had done it to me. That was so far beyond anything I could understand, and I couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth. I had the feeling my head was floating above my body somewhere because I had been doing things that were unlike me from the second I saw her tonight. Kissing her hand? Her cheek? Holding her hand and bringing her back to my room? I thought Natalie’s eyes were going to bug out of her head when I told her to let April and I have some time alone. I hadn’t missed her grin when she’d turned away, though. I figured I might not see Natalie again tonight. As long as she wasn’t in Tanner’s room, we were good. April’s job affected me. Hearing her talk about the little boy who was brought in and seeing her emotional reaction to a child she didn’t even know made me want to punch things. Why were parents so fucked up? What in the world made this mother choose that life once she looked at the face of her child? Then again, my mother abandoned me because she hated who I was becoming. I guess her love only ran surface deep, and once there were problems, she was out of there. I wondered where she was and if she knew I was successful now. If she cared at all. April cared. It was written all over her face. She wasn’t like my mom. She wasn’t like Robyn. “Beau.” When she said my name, something inside me stirred, and I wasn’t sure I liked it. It was an experience so strange I wanted to rub it out of my chest. My fingers itched to drum, to release the nervous energy flowing through me. When I didn’t respond, I felt her stand up and move around to my side of the table. I didn’t want to lift my face to see the expression on hers, but I couldn’t stop it. My body took over my head again. April leaned over so she was staring directly into my eyes. “Whatever happened to you with your parents does not define who you are. You absolutely should’ve been born, Beau. The world is a better place with you in it.” She only said that because I was a good drummer. What other reason would she have to think that the world was better with me in it? I turned away, but she put her hand on my face and steered me back to

look at her. “Don’t do that.” “Do what?” I didn’t recognize my voice. “Shut down. Turn away from me. I know you don’t believe me, Beau. I see it. But I’m going to make it my mission to make you believe it.” Her mission? “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I understand your feelings. Not because I’ve lived them, but because my mom has, and so have all the kids I work with every day. You aren’t alone in your thoughts, even if you think you are. You found one purpose for your life, being a drummer. Now you need to find the rest of it.” “April.” My chest ached with an emotion I didn’t understand. I wanted her in so many ways. She thought I didn’t notice the sexy outfit she’d worn to the concert tonight, but I’d be dead if I didn’t. Her legs seemed miles long in her short skirt, and her full breasts spilled out of her low-cut shirt. Add her sexy makeup and hair and I wanted to spread her out on my bed and have my way with her. What she didn’t know, however, was I thought she was sexier in her work clothes or jeans and a T-shirt. I didn’t need to her throw herself at me like groupies did. But I was too afraid to act on anything she made me feel. I couldn’t have sex with her, even if my dick was tired of my hand and was eager to be around her. “I love when you say my name,” she whispered, scooting back so she was sitting on the table in front of me. If I looked, I could probably see up her skirt. “Why?” “You don’t see it, do you, Beau?” I shook my head. Why was April so interested in knowing me? Most people gave up after the first few times I shut them out. “You’re unbelievable.” April leaned over and put her hand on my face. Her thumb caressed the short hairs on my jaw, sending a trail of fire throughout my body. You’re worthless. No one wants you. I closed my eyes against the words, willing my head to shut up so I could experience April’s soft touch and hear her kind words. No one will ever love you. You’re nothing. I sucked in a breath, trying to quiet my head before I ruined the moment. My heart pounded in my chest, and my fingers worked on my legs in rapid succession. “What’s happening?” April’s soft voice floated into my conscience. “Beau. Look at me.” I couldn’t open my eyes. I sensed April get off the table and crouch in front of me, as if I had watched her with my own eyes. Her short breaths floated over my face as she said something I couldn’t hear. The next thing I knew, her soft lips tenderly ran along my jaw and up to my ear, where she stopped. “Stay with me, Beau. I’m right here,” she whispered into my ear. “Come back. It’s just us. No one else is here. Open your eyes. I’m right here.” I groaned, but allowed myself to feel every kiss she pressed along my jaw to the other side, her lips stopping just short of my other ear. “That’s it. Relax, Beau.” And then her hands covered mine, stopping

my incessant drumming. She laced her fingers with mine and lifted our joined hands. “Open your eyes and see me. I’m right here. Just me.” I blew out a strangled breath, frustrated that I couldn’t do it. She leaned over again, and then surprised me when she pressed her lips to each of my eyes, then down my nose until I knew she was going to kiss my lips. I wanted to stop her because I knew what it would do to me, but I couldn’t move. “I want you to trust me.” Her words were mere breaths against my lips. “I know that doesn’t happen easily for you, and I understand. I’ll take as much or as little as you’ll give me. But my first goal is to show you how worthy you are.” My heart ricocheted off my ribcage, waiting for what she’d do next. My eyes finally flew open when she backed up and then settled on my lap, her hands on either side of my face as we stared directly into each other’s eyes. Time stood still while we had a silent conversation, neither of us moving and barely breathing. I could see small flecks of gold in the beautiful brown around her dilated pupils. Her skin was flawless, just like her. Her body was touching me in places I hadn’t been touched in so long, and I knew if I looked, her skirt would be hiked up to her waist while she straddled me. She wasn’t moving, but if she did, I knew I’d be a goner. “Kiss me.” April finally broke the silence between us. “Please, Beau.” She was perfect. I was broken. I had no business doing this with her. But my hands came up anyway and framed her face. I rubbed my thumb across her lips and she kissed the tip of it, sending lust directly to my groin. I leaned up enough to capture her lips with mine, a groan reverberating through my chest as our tongues touched for the first time. She tasted like sugar and something else amazingly April. She put her arms around my neck and ran her fingers through the hair on the base of my neck, moving her lips and tongue against mine. April shifted so we were closer and I felt her heat, making me want to rub against her to relieve the pressure. I forced myself to sit still as our kiss deepened. I allowed my hands to run down her arms and to her back, pulling her body closer to me. April’s tongue entwined with mine may have just been the best damn thing ever. When she sucked my tongue into her mouth, I swore I could’ve blown at any second. Our kiss was urgent and hurried one moment, and then tender and sensual the next. I never wanted it to end. She moved her hands down my neck and to my chest and abs, then back up. I wasn’t sure who started slowing the kiss first, but before I knew it, her forehead was against mine, both of our chests heaving. “Beau.” Her sweet voice fell onto my lips like woven silk, her arms locked behind my neck. April tilted her head back so we were looking at each other again. I had never been so wide open and exposed in all my life. Everything in me was screaming to get away from her. But something stronger kept me right here. She dropped her head down and kissed me softly a few more times, scraping her nails through the short hairs on the sides of my head. “I don’t know how to do this,” I finally admitted. April smiled. “Oh, I think you do.”

I wanted to smile; the urge was there. You’re a worthless piece of shit. I closed my eyes, wishing for her to kiss me again and take the voice away. “Don’t go there,” she said. “Open your eyes and see me, Beau. See me right here. Wanting you. Not just your body. You. Open them.” Her voice was enough to overshadow the other and I listened, that weird sensation taking over my chest again when she smiled at me. “There you are. Your eyes are so beautiful. I love the color of them, and how I can read whatever you’re feeling when I look into them.” Whatever I was feeling? She couldn’t know those parts of me. No one wanted to see all of me, no matter what they said. “Don’t,” she said. “I see it, right now. The doubt is taking you over. Don’t doubt that I want to know all of you. I do. The good, the bad, and the in-between.” I shook my head. No one wanted to see it. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t have a choice. “Let me in,” April said. “I’m not afraid.” My eyes met hers. “But I am.” “You can be yourself, Beau. I know trusting people doesn’t come easily to you, but I’m not going to hurt you. Think about what you know of me so far. Give me a chance to prove to you what I’m saying.” I wanted so many things with her, things I didn’t deserve to have. I’d lived so long telling myself I was too damaged to let someone else into my head, but I found myself wanting her here. She . . . quieted me. “I don’t know how,” I admitted. “This . . . tonight? This was a start. Have you done this before?” “No, and I knew I shouldn’t do it tonight, either. But I couldn’t stop myself.” “Why? What was different?” I’d already said too much. I knew I had. “There’s something about you.” April smiled, her face lighting up at my words. I’d done that? “There’s something about you, too, Beau Anderson. So many wonderful things.”

Natalie pulled into what seemed like a large residential home, killing the engine of our rented SUV. Everyone started piling out, but I froze with my hand on the door handle. I didn’t want to do this. I admired Bex for everything she did for foster kids, but it put my head in a place I didn’t want it to be, and my head was already fucked up today. After April had left my room last night, I had stared at the ceiling for hours. Natalie had come in at some point but hadn’t asked me a single question. I loved how she knew just when to leave me be, and last night was one of those times. All night, my head reeled with things I couldn’t grasp. I replayed every second of my time with April over and over again until I convinced myself it was just her being nice. I wasn’t going to pursue anything with her because I didn’t deserve her. She needed a good guy, one who

could give her everything. Not me. When I’d finally passed out, I’d had dreams of April locking me up in an institution, her face morphing into my mother as she told me no one would ever love me because I was unlovable. It hadn’t been until this morning when Natalie had said something about her. All she’d said was, “Let her in, Beau,” and dropped it. I was going to see her this morning. I knew the dream meant nothing, but in my screwed up head, it did. “Beau.” Bex stood at the door. Everyone else was a few feet away, waiting for me to get out. I lifted my eyes to meet hers but said nothing. “It’s going to be okay, bro. You’re not okay today?” I was fucking sick of being the one everyone had to pussy foot around. “I’m fine, Bex.” “Nat said you and April hung out last night.” “Fucking loudmouth.” Bex laughed. “That’s great, Beau. She’s a great girl.” “It’s nothing,” I said, stepping out of the car. Bex lifted her eyebrow at me. “When was the last time you hung out with anyone other than us?” She had me there. “It was a one-time thing.” “Did you sleep with her?” Bex asked it like it was the most incredulous thing that could happen, but then again, I guessed it was. “No. Drop it, Bex.” She slung her arm around my waist as we walked up to the door of the home. Just as Johnny was about to open the door, April swung it open. I felt like I’d been sucker-punched in the stomach at the sight of her. I immediately remembered the sensation of her lips against mine and the way our tongues tangled together in an intimate dance. She was back in work attire, this time in a pair of tan dress pants and a white button-down blouse. Her hair was pulled up off her neck. I wanted to kiss her slender neck until she writhed under my touch. Whoa. What the hell kind of thought was that? There would be none of that happening today. “Hey, guys! Just in time! Everyone is so excited. Come on in.” April smiled at the band and then her eyes found mine. “Good morning, Beau.” I hung back as everyone else kept walking. April glanced over her shoulder and then back at me. I watched in awe as she kissed her thumb and touched my bottom lip with it. Before I could recognize I was moving, I grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to me. All my doubts and reasons why I couldn’t be around her flew out the window. When her chest hit mine, we both sucked in a sharp breath. She could almost meet my eyes with her heels on. I closed the space between us and brushed my lips against her cheek before moving to her ear. “Good morning.” April flushed, stepping back from me quickly as a male voice came from behind us. “April? Ready?”

“Yes,” she said. “This is Beau Anderson, the drummer of Jaded Regret. Beau, this is Trent, the director of Kids Life.” I shook his hand but said nothing, and then followed them into a large room where at least thirty kids of varying ages sat. A few reporters were set up in the front. Bex had already taken a seat with a group of teenagers, holding her guitar in front of her while she showed them some of the chords. Johnny and Tanner were not far from Bex, talking to another group of kids. I was totally out of my element. I spotted Natalie next to a reporter, and I made my way to her. April followed. “This is my brother, Beau Anderson, the drummer of Jaded Regret. He and Bexley were the originators of the band.” Natalie winked at me. I shook hands with the reporter, and that’s when I saw a child sitting all by himself off to the side, watching us. April caught my line of sight and leaned closer to me. “That’s Robbie.” I nodded, watching the boy as he clutched something in his hand. His facial expression didn’t change at the mayhem happening in the room. A few of the employees at the home moved around the room, talking to the kids and figuring out who would get a turn with the band next. One of the women walked up to Robbie, and he pulled the picture against his chest so she couldn’t see it. She said something to him, but he didn’t respond, his eyes remaining on us. After a moment, she gave up and caught April’s gaze across the room, shaking her head before moving on to the next child. “He hasn’t spoken a word since he arrived,” April said next to me. “He won’t let anyone see the picture he carries around. Trent was the one who told him his mom had passed away. He’s called in counselors to see him since then, but he won’t talk.” I could identify with that. Sometimes there was just nothing to say worthy of your feelings, so you stayed quiet. For the next few hours, we took turns with groups of kids from the home. The youngest kids were barely five years old, the oldest almost about to age out of the system. Many of them were engrossed in learning to play or had played in the past. The reporters took video and asked the kids questions about what they thought of Jaded Regret coming to see them. It wasn’t until the reporters started interviewing some of the kids about what it would mean to them to be at home with a family that I knew I couldn’t stay in there anymore. “April.” I worked my fingers against my legs. She hadn’t left our sides the entire time. Well, she hadn’t left my side. Her eyes swung to mine, and she must’ve read something there because she immediately stood up and indicated for me to follow her. We walked down a long hallway until we reached an office. April shut the door behind us and grabbed my hands, stilling them from the beat. “Beau.” She squeezed my fingers. When I didn’t respond, she wrapped her arms around my waist and settled her head on my chest, hugging me tightly. It was such a strange, yet comforting feeling. I wasn’t sure what to do with my hands, so I settled for putting them around her waist and clasping them together. No one will ever want you. You’re poison. I rested my head against the door, squeezing my eyes

closed. It took me a few moments to realize April was kissing up my neck and jaw, standing on her tiptoes as she put her lips to my ear. “I’m here, Beau. It’s okay.” My head spun with conflicting emotions: push her away and run like I wanted to, or lose myself in her. I dropped my head and rested my forehead on hers. “I can’t do this.” April froze. “Do what?” I realized what she thought I meant right after I said it. I caressed her back, pulling her closer to me so she knew that wasn’t it. She nodded, getting it. “You did great.” “I can’t even talk to them.” I dipped my head until my lips barely brushed hers. She responded immediately, moving her lips over mine in a sensual dance. “You can talk to me.” She kissed me again. Her tongue met mine and I groaned, leaning closer to her so I could get more. I’d never been kissed like this . . . ever. I’d thought Robyn had been an incredible lover, but I hadn’t a clue what was considered amazing if kissing April was any indication. Shrieks from down the hall made us both jump apart. I’d heard those kinds of screams before. Without thinking, I flung the door open and ran down the hall to where the noise was coming from, April on my heels. What I saw when I entered the room made my blood run cold. Robbie was yelling, his little cheeks red as tears poured down his face. One of the counselors held him as he kicked and screamed, cursing at anyone and everyone. The reporters stood in the front of the room, their mouths agape. “Get them the fuck out of here,” I told April. She left me, and I turned back to the child. His eyes connected with mine, rage pouring out of them. The counselor wasn’t looking at me; he was shouting to one of the other workers to call a doctor. “We’re going to have to sedate him,” he said. “Get him here immediately.” “NO!” I shouted, causing the entire room to stop and stare at me. I had no idea where Bex and Natalie were, but it didn’t matter. “No one sedates him. Let him go so he’ll stop.” “He’s already punched another kid, thrown chairs and broke a window,” the counselor said. “I can’t let him go!” Robbie thrashed and screamed, spit flying from his mouth as he continued cursing and yelling. He flung his head back, and it connected with the counselor. He let him go as blood poured from his nose. Robbie ran, and I followed him. At one point, he turned back and saw me, which only made him run faster. Alarms sounded as he pushed open the back door. He couldn’t get far; the back yard was surrounded by a concrete wall at least six feet high. “Leave me the fuck alone!” Robbie screamed, running to a tree and collapsing under it. Sobs overtook his body as the adrenaline left him. I stopped a few feet from him, my heart in shreds as I watched him. I knew exactly how he felt. His life was out of control, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. While his life had sucked before, it was the only life he’d ever known, and now it was gone. He had nothing. He was nothing. I heard the door open behind us, and I turned quickly, holding up my hand to stop April from coming out. When she saw me, she froze and then went back inside, shutting the door behind her. Robbie was still shuddering, but at least he’d stopped crying.

“I was in foster care when I was a kid.” He didn’t look at me, but I knew he was listening. “It sucked. A lot. I just wanted to go home, even though home wasn’t that great of a place, either.” Robbie sniffed but still didn’t move. “I’m not going to tell you everything will be okay, because I don’t know that. But what I wish someone would’ve told me when I was a kid was that I could decide to do whatever I wanted. That my crappy life didn’t have to stay that way.” “My mom died,” he said, his back still to me. “This time, I don’t get to go home again.” I walked around the tree and faced him, crouching down in front of him. “My dad died when I was a kid.” Robbie turned his watery eyes toward me. He studied me, from the gauges in my ears to the tattoos sticking out from my clothing. “I don’t have a dad. My mom never told me who he was, and now I’ll never know. She said we were here to find him, but . . .” His voice trailed off as sobs overtook him again. I wouldn’t get into who my mother was or what she’d done to me with this child. He didn’t need any more baggage. “My mom wasn’t very nice.” His eyes zeroed in on my nose piercing. “My mom did drugs. She didn’t love me enough to stop.” My heart clenched We weren’t so different, this child and I. “Sometimes the people who are supposed to love us don’t love us enough.” Robbie nodded. “He took my picture.” “Who?” “That kid in there. He walked up to me and yanked my picture out of my hand. It’s the only picture I have left of my mom. He can’t get away with that.” Well, no wonder he’d flipped out. See, and they wanted to sedate the child, probably take him out of this home, and he’d never get his picture back again. Then he’d lose the last little bit of his mom he had left. “I’ll get it for you,” I promised. “But can you do something for me?” His large dark eyes stared at me for a moment before he nodded. “I know why you reacted the way you did, Robbie. I was the same way as a kid. But then people get afraid of you and think you aren’t lovable. And that’s not at all the truth. You seem like a cool kid.” His lip wobbled. “I was bad.” I shrugged. “We’re all bad sometimes. But let’s go in there and apologize and help them clean up. Then I’ll get your picture back for you.” I stood and held out my hand. Robbie took it and stood up, staring up at me. “What’s your name?” “Beau.” “You’re cool, Beau. Most grown ups talk to me like I’m a moron, some little kid who doesn’t know any better. This is my sixth time in foster care. I’m not dumb. I know I’m not getting out of here. No one wants a messed-up nine-year-old kid. I’m a lifer.” “Robbie, I understand exactly what you mean. You’re wise beyond your years because you’ve had to be. But you’re still a kid. Things can always turn out for you. Watch and see.”

I led him back inside the home. April watched as we walked past her and into the big living room. Robbie walked to the counselor and took the broom from him, helping to sweep the broken glass from the area. He pointed at the child across the room who had taken his picture, and I nodded. Robbie didn’t say another word, the room silent as they watched him. “How did you do that?” April whispered next to me. I noticed Bex and Natalie watching me. Tears poured down Natalie’s face, but I didn’t understand why.

“I’ll meet you guys at the bus in a little bit,” I said. Natalie turned, shocked. “We need to leave in no less than two hours so we aren’t pressed for time.” I nodded. “Got it.” I knew they were all watching me as I stepped back inside the home and shut the door. I saw Trent first. “Where’s April?” He indicated the living room. “Trying to talk to Robbie I think. Hey, man. What you did before was awesome. Not a single one of us have been able to get through to him.” I shrugged. “I know what it’s like.” I moved into the room. I saw April sitting next to Robbie, who was clutching the picture to his chest again. She was talking quietly to him. When she saw me she stood, that heart stopping smile on her face. “I thought you guys left?” I shoved my hands in my pockets. “They did.” A look of understanding crossed her face. “They left.” I nodded. “I thought maybe you could take me back to the bus after we get lunch.” I glanced over at Robbie. “You get your picture back, buddy?” He nodded, but didn’t say anything or move to show me the picture. I got it. It wasn’t necessary for him to open up any further to me unless he wanted to. “I’ll see you later, okay, Robbie?” April said. He didn’t answer, but I didn’t expect him to. I leaned down to the small child. “She’s pretty, huh. I think so, too. She’s as nice as she is pretty, too. Be nice to her, okay?” As I turned to walk away, I saw a small smile on his face. “Hey.” I slid into April’s car. “Do me a favor.” She still seemed shocked that I’d come back, or that I’d gotten Robbie to talk, or any and all of the above. “Anything.” “Give Robbie my phone number and let him call me if he needs to talk to someone.” “I don’t have it.” Of course. That would require me to be a normal human being that had friends. “Hand me your phone.” She did and pulled out of the parking lot, eyeing me every few seconds. “I’m confused.” April’s fingers worked on the steering wheel. I waited, knowing she’d elaborate. “You were amazing back there, Beau.”

“And that confuses you?” Of course, it would. I was nothing but a fuck up on a good day. Worthless. Taking up space on this earth. “Maybe confused isn’t the right word. I saw a whole other side of you in there today. Beau, you don’t give yourself enough credit for the remarkable man you are.” I had nothing to say to that because there wasn’t anything “remarkable” about me. So I’d talked to a little boy who reminded me of myself. That made me a human being, not something fantastic. “I know what you’re thinking,” she said. “That you didn’t do anything great. But I beg to differ, Beau. You going to that group home was difficult. It was uncomfortable and brought out all your insecurities. But when Robbie flipped out, you knew exactly how to handle him. He hadn’t spoken a word, Beau. You got through to him.” I shrugged. “I can identify with him. When I was a kid, I was sedated because I freaked out about something. It wasn’t necessary, so I didn’t think he had to be sedated.” April pulled over in the parking lot of a store and put the car in park. She stared straight ahead for so long I wondered if she was going to kick me out of the car. When she finally looked at me, tears were streaking down her face. What had I done? You’re a fuck up. A worthless piece of shit with a psycho’s blood running through you. I fought the urge to flee from the car and find the nearest taxi to take me to the tour bus. It was stupid, being here with her. April opened the car door and stepped out. I was frozen in place watching her round the car and open my door. “Get out.” I listened, my heart pounding. This was it. She was going to tell me I was too much of a freak to be with her. I should’ve known this was going to happen. I couldn’t get close to anyone. Not that she even knew that much. Psycho. When I stood, April stepped up on her toes and kissed me, so hard and fast I was momentarily confused. I’d thought she was about to tell me how worthless I was, and here she was kissing me instead. A beat later, I joined in, kissing her with all the confusion and hurt I thought I was about to have. I wrapped my hands in her hair, moving my lips with hers as she devoured me. At some point, I realized tears were running from her eyes again. I pulled back, confusion on my face. What was happening? Was this her goodbye? She shook her head, apparently reading my confusion. “I’ve never met anyone like you.” I watched as the tears dripped from her cheeks and hit my long-sleeved shirt. I was completely out of my element here. “Why are you crying?” “I’m falling for you. I’m terrified to tell you that, but I am. I know we don’t know each other that well, but what I saw today, Beau? I know I’m right about you. You’re selfless, thoughtful, and . . .” “Fucked up,” I said, interrupting her. “You don’t want me, April. You deserve someone so much better than me.” Her forehead wrinkled as she processed my words. “Do you want me, Beau?” Did I want her? My immediate answer was to tell her no, I didn’t want anyone. But I couldn’t force myself to say the words. “April . . .”

“Stop thinking so much.” April caressed my chest and up to my neck. “I’m offering myself to you. We can take it as slow as you want. I’m not scared of you, Beau. I’m not afraid of your past, who you are now or who you will be in the future. I see you, Beau Anderson. I. See. You.” She didn’t see me. Not really. She saw what I wanted her to see, and she thought she liked me. But she didn’t know the darkness inside me. What I was. What ran through my veins. “I’m not worthy of you.” “That’s not what I asked you,” she said. “The answer is simple. I already know it. I see it when you look at me, and I feel it when you touch me. When we kiss, Beau? It’s beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. Ever. The question is . . . will you admit it?” “Why me?” “Why you? Beau, why not you? When I’m around you, I feel alive. You make me smile. I think about you every second we aren’t together. When you touch me, I tingle from head to toe. When you watch me, even when you think I can’t see you, it’s like I’m floating on a cloud. You do all those things to me.” Could I make someone feel that way? It seemed unfathomable to me. Could I admit it? She saw right through me. She was right. When I touched her, my head quieted. She was better than playing my drums. When her body pressed against mine? It energized me and made me feel like a man. I thought of my mom, the woman who was supposed to teach me how to love, and Robyn, who I thought had shown me what it was like to have a girlfriend. Then I thought of Natalie and the love she’d shown to me our entire lives, and Bex, the woman who had no blood relation to me yet loved me like family. I’d been given more than a lot of other people had. The last sixteen years of my life had been better than my first twelve, hands down. Yet I still held on to that. I was still letting it rule me. I nodded, framing her face with my hands. “I thought you were kicking me out of the car.” She sighed. “Why would I do that?” “Because I don’t deserve you.” April closed her eyes, leaning her face into my hand. “Beau. That is so far from the truth. Answer my question. I need to know if I’m beating my head against the wall here.” I had to kiss her. Just before my lips brushed hers, I whispered, “Yes,” against her mouth, “I want you.” I felt her smile as our lips met, effectively silencing both of us.

April A COMFORTABLE SILENCE settled in the car as I drove to get lunch. Every few minutes I’d peer at Beau, just to make sure I hadn’t dreamt this and he was here. But then he’d lace his fingers with mine and a smile I couldn’t control would spread over my face. He’d admitted it. I had no idea what that meant for us from here on out, but I’d take the little bit I was given and we’d figure out the rest later. Hell, he was going to be gone for a month on tour. That sucked. I thought back to what he did today with Robbie. Never in a million years would I have thought Beau would be the one to get through to Robbie like that, for several reasons. One, I knew Beau wasn’t the kind to share part of himself with someone he didn’t even know, much less a child. Two, because Robbie hadn’t said a word to anyone up until that point. I’d listened at the door after seeing Beau had him under control outside. I hadn’t been able to hear every word, but I’d gotten enough of it to know Beau shared something with the little boy. He’d told him things he never told anyone. They’d understood each other. I thought back to what Beau had said to me about being sedated when he was a child and not wanting that to happen to Robbie. I had so many questions, but I knew I had to be patient for the answers. I may never get to know everything I had questions about, and I would have to be okay with that. I pulled into the parking lot and killed the engine. When I glanced over at Beau, his eyes were on me, that small smirk on his lips. God, I loved when he did that, but I couldn’t wait until the day I earned a real smile from him. I had the feeling it would melt me into a puddle on the floor. “Can we . . . take it to go? Is there a park or something nearby?” Beau turned away from me and focused his gaze out of the window at the busy sandwich shop. Well, of course. I hadn’t thought about the repercussions of taking Beau out for lunch. I giggled, thinking of the day I’d seen him and Johnny at the other restaurant being surrounded by fans. “Of course. I have to get used to your fame, I guess. I’m not used to having to worry about someone seeing me out in public. But I know just the place. What do you want to eat?” “Surprise me,” he said. “I’m not a picky eater, so whatever you get will be all right.” “Okay.” I reluctantly removed my hand from Beau’s. Before I could open the door, he grabbed my neck and pulled me to him. He stopped when we were just centimeters apart. I looked into his eyes, reading the desire he felt for me like they were words on a page in front of me. I never believed it when people said they fell in love so quickly without fully knowing someone, but seeing him in front of me, I

knew I was well on my way. It scared the shit out of me to think I could put my heart in the hands of this beautifully broken man, but it was happening anyway. “Is this place . . . private?” What was he asking me? What did he want? “Y-yes,” I whispered against his lips. I ached for his touch, but I didn’t want to push. “Get lunch quickly.” Just before I thought he’d take my lips again, he turned his head and took my earlobe into his mouth, sucking gently before biting me softly. My eyes rolled back in my head as desire shot through me so quickly I began to shake. I’d never been more turned on in my life than being around Beau, and we hadn’t done anything but kiss. His soft beard tickled as he kissed down the exposed skin of my neck. “B-beau.” If he didn’t stop, I was going to strip him down right here in the parking lot and climb on him. “Still want that sandwich?” I’d never heard him sound sexier in my life. It was like something had switched in him and he was showing me who he was inside that tough exterior. I liked it. No. I loved it. “N-not really.” I moaned as he moved to the other side of my neck. I needed him to touch me. Anywhere, everywhere. Beau pulled back just as quickly as he’d started and smirked at me. “Get lunch. I’ll be waiting.” I gaped at him. “That wasn’t nice.” He quirked an eyebrow at me. “No? Okay, I won’t do it again.” Was he . . . flirting with me? I wasn’t sure how to respond to him, so I didn’t. I opened the car door and stepped out, my legs almost giving out on me. They felt like Jell-O, and I knew exactly why. I put both hands on either side of my neck; the tingling from his lips on my skin seared into my memory. I knew one thing. I’d never recover from Beau Anderson.

Ever since I’d gotten back into the car from the sandwich shop, Beau had been back to his usual self. I wondered if I’d dreamed him kissing up and down both sides of my neck and teasing me, but I knew the desire zinging through my body wasn’t made up. We were sitting under a huge tree in my favorite park, hidden behind a massive concrete wall and overlooking the river. There was no one in sight. Beau wrapped up the trash from his sandwich and stuffed it back inside the bag, leaning his head back against the tree. His fingers moved slowly on his legs, drumming a melodic beat. I’d figured out that when he drummed slowly, it was because he had a song in his head and wanted to play it. When he drummed quickly, over and over and over, it was his way of trying to calm himself. When he closed his eyes while he drummed, it was his attempt to get past whatever images or words his mind had conjured up. When he smirked while drumming, he’d thought of something new. When he fiddled with his nose ring, he was anxious. When he clenched his fists at his sides, he’d thought of

something painful and needed to rid himself of it. Watching him was fascinating. Our time was rapidly diminishing. Not only did I have to get back to work, but he had less than fortyfive minutes to be on the bus to leave for his tour. My heart sank at the thought of not seeing him for another month. What if he changed his mind while he was gone and didn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore? How would we see each other or date or whatever we were if he was either on tour or in South Florida and I was here? I had no answers to the million questions in my mind, but I had to relax. Whatever happened would happen. Before today, I’d had zero hope that Beau wanted anything to do with me. At least I knew he liked me. “I have to get you to the bus soon.” I broke the silence. He cracked his eyes open and nodded, twisting his hands in his lap. What was he nervous about? I wondered how honest I should be with him before he left. While I’d figured out a lot about him, there was still so much that was a mystery to me. “Beau, do you want to keep in touch while you’re gone?” His hands stopped moving, and he reached them out for me. When I put my hands in his, he pulled until I was in his lap, straddling him. My core immediately responded, having not forgotten what he had done to my libido just an hour ago. I fought against the urge to rub against him in the hopes of alleviating the pain of my arousal. Beau glanced around, seeing there was no one near, and rested his hands on my hips. “I’m not good at talking.” He kneaded his fingers against my hip bones. My hope deflated. “But, I’ll do my best to speak to you while I’m gone.” I couldn’t talk to him one more second. He had me all wound up and needing to do something about it. “I don’t want to talk right now.” Beau raised an eyebrow at me. “You got me all riled up in the car earlier, and I have less than thirty minutes before you leave for a month.” “What are you saying, Ms. Knight?” His deep voice reverberating against me didn’t help the raging inferno throughout my body. “Touch me, Beau. Please. I need you.” His eyes widened. I knew little about how experienced he was in this area, and I wasn’t nearly as forward as I came across in this moment, but I was desperate to get relief. “April . . .” His voice was barely a whisper. “I . . .” I didn’t let him finish his thought. I lifted his shirt and ran my hands over the taut skin of his stomach and chest. He froze, his hands still on my hips. I wanted to study every single bit of ink on his magnificent body, but I had no time for that now. I leaned over and pressed my lips to his neck, biting and sucking like he’d done to me earlier. His grip tightened as I continued, his breath ragged against my face. I couldn’t stop it anymore; I began to rock against him, satisfied when I felt how hard he was for me. The warm breeze lifted my hair as my lips met his. He pulled me into his body, rocking with me as our

lips met. A grunt came from his throat as I nipped and sucked his tongue into my mouth, fueling me further. I wished we were at my place right now. I’d never wanted a man more in my life. When his hands began to move, and I wanted to cheer. He skimmed my sides, stopping abruptly when his thumbs were within centimeters of my breasts. I gripped his shoulders, tilting my head to deepen our kiss. He moaned again as I rocked on him, no longer caring if I embarrassed myself or not. Touch me, I willed him. I didn’t want to push him, but my God did I want him to send me skyrocketing to the moon. His thumbs brushed my nipples through my bra and shirt, and I moaned into his mouth, taking our kiss deeper, harder, longer. He reciprocated my every move, sucking and biting my tongue and lips. When his hands moved away, I almost cried until I realized he was going under my shirt. His callused fingers against my soft skin sent waves of desire to my already aroused flesh, and I almost came just from rubbing against him. Our kisses were harsh and unforgiving; we took what we wanted from each other, showing each other what we would do if we weren’t at a park. He cupped one breast, slowing our kiss as he focused on the fullness of me. I pulled back, my lips burning from the roughness of his kisses. Our hearts pounded against our chests, and we both gasped for air. He froze, uncertainty on his face until I nodded for him to continue. Beau pulled the cup of my bra down and thumbed my nipple, sending electric shocks throughout my body. I writhed against him, moaning. His other hand regained his hold on my hip, pushing me into him as we rubbed against each other. He dipped his head and kissed my neck again, biting softly as he made his way to the dip in my shirt. I wanted him to put that mouth on every square inch of me. “April . . . God . . .” His words were like prayers against my skin. I heard his phone ring, and I knew it was probably Natalie or Bex wondering where he was. My heart clenched. My time was over. He either didn’t hear it or didn’t care as he made his way back up my neck to my ear. He was whispering something, but I couldn’t make out what it was. No. He was humming something. A song. “You have to go,” I said, fighting the emotion I knew I shouldn’t have. This man was jumbling me all up. Beau pulled me closer to him, taking my mouth again. I knew he couldn’t tell me what he was thinking, but he was showing me. His tongue moved slowly with mine in a sensual explanation. I rubbed against him again, so aroused I needed a way to relieve it. Our kisses slow and methodic, I shuddered against him with my release. I would probably be embarrassed later to think about humping Beau in a public park, but at the moment, it was the hottest thing I’d ever done. Beau froze and broke our kiss, burying his face in my neck for so long I wondered what I’d done. Was he sickened by me? “Beau?” I ran my fingers through his hair. He’d never said he liked it, but I liked doing it, and he didn’t seem to mind. I sensed shaking against my chest, so I leaned back. He was . . . laughing. My mouth dropped open as I watched his chest move with silent laughter. What was so funny? And why, when I finally got him to think something was amusing, was it right

after we’d been making out like teenagers? “I’m so embarrassed.” Beau shifted me off of his lap. “Is there a . . . uh . . . restroom around?” What had I done? “It’s around the corner.” I averted his eyes, my face flaming as I tried to recover from my embarrassment without him noticing. “April.” Beau lifted my chin. “What did I do? Why are you upset?” I waved him off. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.” “You forget I’ve grown up with only women. Now, what’s wrong?” “I’m sorry. I got carried away and I . . .” “You think I’m upset with you?” Beau caressed the side of my face. “April, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m the one who is embarrassed. I need a bathroom because I . . .” He indicated himself. “I . . . uh . . . made a mess.” Understanding dawned on me, and I began laughing. He smiled at me, and I almost fell to my knees at the sight. It was the most beautiful thing I’d seen in my life.

I pulled into the parking lot behind the arena, spotting the buses and the trucks. I sighed, wanting nothing more than to take Beau back to my house and continue the major progress we had made. What would it be like to not see each other for a month? Would he start doubting? I was sure I already knew that answer. Beau squeezed my hand. After he’d come back from the bathroom and we’d enjoyed another silly laugh over our teenage make out antics, we’d walked the edge of the water for a few minutes, wrapped in each other. He’d stopped every few steps to kiss me slowly, and I wasn’t sure my head was back from the clouds yet. His soft touch and the way he looked at me was enough for me to know I’d fallen head over heels for this man already. He may not be a talker, but everything he did was his own personal way of communicating. Whether it was his thumb rubbing the inside of my hand, his eyes connecting with mine for just a few seconds, or his lips brushing lightly against mine, I read him. I knew what he was saying. Natalie stuck her head out of the bus and saw us. She waved and then ducked back inside, giving us a moment. I stepped from the car just as Beau did. He came around to my side and stopped in front of me, shielding the sun from my eyes. “Thank you for everything today.” I tipped my head so I could see his handsome face. I touched the tattoos I could see on his neck, tracing my fingers along the detailed pictures and letters. Beau captured my hands and kissed each one, making that feeling erupt in my stomach again. “I’ll call or text you.” I nodded, not trusting my voice to respond. A large lump had formed in my throat, and I knew I was going to break down soon. I needed to get out of here before then, so he didn’t see me acting like a total girl. He shook his head, pulling me to him in a tight hug. I wanted to ask him why he was shaking his head,

but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know that he was having doubts or was hugging me because he didn’t plan to see me when he got back. His hands caressed my back, and I focused on the way he felt right here at this moment. The way his chest rose and fell against mine, his short beard rubbing against my head while his warm hands touched my back. I took a deep breath, taking in the scent of his shirt and his hard chest against my soft one. I wanted to memorize everything about this moment just in case I never got another one like it. “This isn’t goodbye.” He shocked me with his intuitiveness. “I’ll be back home in less than a month. Will you come and see me when I get back?” My heart thumped in my chest. He was inviting me to see him when he returned? “Of course, I will.” He stepped back from me. “Will you . . . let me know what happens with Robbie?” “Yes.” The bus horn sounded, making us both jump. Beau scowled. “I have to go. See you soon, April.” I wanted to hold onto him, beg him not to go as he turned to walk away, but I knew that was futile. The fact of the matter was, my life was here, and his was on the road. All I could do was hope he didn’t forget what had happened between us while he was gone. Just as Beau reached the steps of the bus, he turned around and lifted his hand in a small wave. His smirk was back. I loved it, but now that I’d seen him smile, I wanted more of it. I stood there until the buses pulled away and I couldn’t see a trace of them anymore. My phone pinged, and my heart soared, thinking it was Beau. It was a text from Natalie. My brother is smiling, April. I haven’t seen him smile in so long. Truly smile. I’m sorry I watched as you said goodbye, but I swear my heart exploded. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Don’t let him shut you out once we’re gone. His head will get the better of him, but if you keep reminding him how he feels right now, he’ll be ready for you when we get back. And that was when the dam opened up, and I could no longer see my screen through the tears.

Beau “HOW IS ROBBIE?” I asked April. I was sprawled out on my bunk, the bus heading to our tenth stop. I couldn’t wait to be home. Just six more shows and we’d be done. I’d summoned the courage to call April on the phone for the first time since we’d been gone. I knew she was worried about what that meant for us, but she’d never ask me. I could tell in the messages she sent and what Natalie had said to me while we’d been gone. I’d been trying to put myself out there for April while I’d been gone, but I’d found myself in a major funk after we’d left Orlando. Other than drumming, I hadn’t done anything, hibernating in my bunk until Natalie and Bex had staged an intervention just a few days ago. I’d been at the top of my game on stage, mostly because that’s all I did was drum, whether actually or in my head. Without April around, it was the only thing that kept me from losing my mind completely, and I’d found not even that was doing it anymore. I’d known I wasn’t in the right place in my head, but I couldn’t get past it. I’d barely been able to text April a few times. She knew something was up, too; she’d call me, and I wouldn’t answer, and then she’d text and I’d barely reply. I wasn’t trying to be an asshole or push her away, but I didn’t know how to handle both my growing feelings for her and my constant feelings of inadequacy. I’d had a few phone sessions with Dr. Mia while I’d been away. I still hadn’t told her about April. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t make myself say the words. I still didn’t believe she’d be able to hang on through all my craziness. I wasn’t sure I could hang on. April sighed. “Beau, I wish there was something more I could do for him. He’s so sad and angry.” “Is he still in the group home?” “Yes. I keep trying to get him into an actual home with foster parents, but no one will take him.” “Is he talking?” “No,” she said. “I go to see him at least a few times a week. I got him to play checkers with me, but he still didn’t talk. I wonder if you came back to see him if he would.” “Consider it done. When we get back I’ll come up there.” “Beau? Can I ask you a question?” I hated questions. “Yes.” “Are we . . . okay?” This was exactly why being with her wasn’t a good idea. I was too damaged not to hurt her. “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you. I haven’t been in a good place.” I knew I didn’t really answer her question,

but it was as much as I could give. “Why?” I never in my life wanted to talk about the times when I wasn’t okay, but April made me want to explain. “There are . . . things . . . about me I can’t control. One of them is when I get down about something. It may not make sense to anyone else, but I can’t get out of my head.” “I understand,” she whispered. “Was it because of us?” “Sometimes I don’t know what triggers it. Other times, I do. This isn’t your fault, April. I’m just fucked up.” “No you aren’t. Please don’t talk like that, Beau.” “I am, April. There’s so much you don’t know. Things I don’t want you to know.” “Don’t you get it, Beau? I want to know everything. I don’t care if you think it’s going to push me away or pull me closer. I want it all. Don’t hold back from me. I’ve missed you. I want to talk to you when you’re happy and when you’re sad, when you’re hopeful and when you’re down in the dumps. I’m not in this just for the good times. I’m in it for all the times.” How could I not hold back from her? How could I tell her all the shit that was in my head? She’d run so far I’d never find her, and I wouldn’t blame her one bit. But her words made my resolve crumble a little bit. I felt so much better when I talked to her. Why hadn’t I done it more often? “I’m sorry, April. This is so hard for me, opening up to someone. Please forgive me for sucking at this.” “You don’t have to be sorry, Beau. I know how hard this is for you, but I want you to know how I feel. This isn’t conditional on you being happy all the time or shielding me from the bad stuff. I’m in, Beau. Do you hear me? I’m in.” You are a worthless waste of space. No one will ever love you. No one wants you around. I shook my head against the thoughts threatening to overtake me. April. Focus on April. “I . . .” I wanted to tell her. The words were there, but I didn’t know how to say them. She was silent on the other end of the line, waiting patiently. “There are times when I hear voices. Well, mostly my mother’s voice, telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit—among other things.” Did I just say, I hear voices? You’re an idiot, Beau Oliver. A small gasp came from her end of the phone line, but she said nothing, waiting for me to continue. Could I do this? “My dad killed himself when I was five years old. He . . . suffered from depression as well as other things his entire life. I thought it was normal, having a dad who locked himself in his room sometimes and other times was the happiest person you ever met. I—I found him the day he killed himself.” “Beau, can we video chat?” I froze, my heart pounding like I’d seen a ghost. It was one thing to say it out loud and a whole other to see her beautiful face while I did it. “April . . .” “Is it too hard?” I loved that she somehow got me. “I wish it wasn’t, but I can’t right now. Okay?”

“Okay,” she said. “Tell me whatever you want. I’m here. I’m listening.” “My mom . . . she took it so hard. Then when I started having trouble dealing with it, she took me for help. But a few years later, it was like something snapped. She’d say horrible things to me. It was like suddenly, she hated me. I looked like him and acted like him, so I was poison. This is why it’s hard for me to talk about it. I mean, at some point in her life she loved my dad, right? She loved him enough to see past his issues. But then it became too much for her, and she snapped. I don’t want to be a burden like that to anyone. Not to my sister, to you, or anyone.” “I can understand why you’d think of it that way, but if you love someone, it’s not conditional. How did you end up in foster care?” “I started having . . . episodes when I was eight. She couldn’t handle them. When I was twelve, she committed me to a mental institution.” “This was the time you were sedated.” My heart soared. She remembered. “Yes. She left me there and never . . .” My throat closed up. I attempted to work around it but I couldn’t. I hadn’t cried in years, probably since the days after Natalie and I realized she wasn’t coming back. “You haven’t seen her since?” I shook my head, wishing for a moment we were video chatting. “No. She left Natalie with our neighbor and me in the hospital. It took a few days, but when they figured it out, they called social services.” “So you don’t know where she is now?” “I don’t care to know where she is,” I answered. “I live with her, every day inside my head. She never leaves me.” A strangled cry came from April’s line. “I want you to do something the next time her voice resonates in your head. Can you do that, Beau? For me?” “I’ll try. It isn’t quite that easy to get rid of her.” “I want you to think about my lips against yours at the park. About the way we look at each other. Think of my fingers wrapped with yours. Know that all I see is a beautiful, handsome, talented man that I . . .” April broke off, clearing her throat. “I care about. Every time she tries to turn something ugly, I want you to think of something beautiful. Think of the two of us together, Beau. Can you do that?” I thought back to the park, April straddling me as we kissed, caressed, and held on to each other. I thought about every single time I’d been with her, the way she made me feel and the words she said. Words could hurt. They could cut you like a knife, leaving you bleeding out on the floor. I’d been bleeding for too long. But with April, words could heal. They could start sewing back together the holes that had been gaping for so long. Why I was so much more inclined to believe the hateful things said about me rather than the good? “I’d like that. April . . .” “I’m here, Beau.”

“I want you to help me be the man you see me as,” I said. She sighed. “You already are the man I see you as. I need you to believe you’re that man.” “I’ve missed you. I can’t wait to see you again.” “Oh Beau. I can’t wait, either. I’m going to be there waiting for you the second you pull into your driveway.” I rubbed my chest, wondering what the fullness in my heart meant.

We were seconds away from pulling in to our studio. I was only minutes away from seeing April again. This month had been the most exhausting one of my life. I had no idea how Bex and Johnny were still hanging in there with two small children. Our tour had been more successful than we could ever have imagined, but we were more than ready to be done traveling. “Is she coming to our house?” Natalie asked me from across the table. There was no need for me to ask who she was talking about—I knew. In the last week, I’d spoken to April multiple times a day. My phone was physically attached to my body at this point. I nodded, and she smiled at me. “I’m going to work at the studio for a while.” “You don’t have to do that,” I said. “I know,” Natalie answered, but I knew she’d do it anyway. What a difference a week made. Natalie and I had had a huge heart-to-heart after my first initial conversation with April. She’d convinced me to talk to Dr. Mia about my newfound relationship with April, and I had. To say Dr. Mia was shocked I’d been keeping April from her was an understatement. She’d had an inkling something was up with me but knew I wouldn’t tell her until I was ready. She’d had no idea it was a woman, however. She’d encouraged me to continue to open up as much as I felt comfortable with April, and I had. I’d told April a lot of the things that reverberated around my head during my low times, and the things that my mother’s voice said that kept me from fully enjoying my life. We’d talked about what my medications did to help me and that I hoped to be able to function without them someday. My drumming had been off the chain. I’d gotten up in front of the crowd in Atlanta and spoken before giving out my drumsticks. I think our fans were just as shocked as I had been, though I didn’t say much. But the fact I’d spoken had been trending on social media. April said she’d watched YouTube videos of me up there breaking out of my box. The bus stopped and the doors opened. I grabbed my bag and jumped down the three steps, holding my arms out as I welcomed the hot Florida sunshine on my face. Natalie followed right behind me, then Trevor. Johnny and Bex were climbing out of the other bus. Johnny held Jaden, while Lennox jumped around in front of them. “We’re home!” Lennox shouted. “I want to see my toys! My house! My room!” I knew the feeling. I jumped in my car, and with a wave, sped off toward home, surprised to realize I

wasn’t at all nervous.

I careened the car into the driveway and shoved it into park. The second I stepped out of my car, April stepped out of hers. She was in a pair of short jean shorts and a tank top. Her dark hair was in a low ponytail and a few pieces had escaped, framing her face as the wind blew. She was the most beautiful fucking thing I’d ever seen in my life. I didn’t waste one second being timid about her reaction to seeing me after a month. I strode to her with purpose and grabbed her, burying my face in her neck as she wrapped her arms around me. She smelled the same. God, I’d missed that scent. “Beau.” Her fingers scratched through my hair, just like I loved. “I missed you so much.” I lifted her and carried her into my house, kicking the door shut behind me and pushing her against it. I’d been thinking about this the whole time I’d been gone, and I couldn’t stop now. I was forcing the insecurity away and taking what I wanted. What I hoped she wanted as badly as I did. I took her mouth with mine, my tongue meeting hers as my body pinned her to the door. She moaned into my mouth as I pressed my erection into her stomach. I wasn’t blowing in my pants this time. I was ready. My fingers traced the edge of her shorts and the edge of her shirt. I lifted it past her bra. We broke our kiss, our eyes connecting as I lifted her shirt and tossed it behind us. April ran her hands under my shirt, sending my body into a frenzy at her touch. I was so hard it was painful. She threw my shirt with hers, and we both stood there, our emotions as naked as our bodies were about to be. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking or where she wanted to go from here until she reached behind her and unhooked her bra. When it hit the floor at our feet, I sucked in a breath. Her full breasts called to me, and I reached both hands out and cupped them, my thumbs caressing her taut nipples. Her eyes fluttered closed as I continued to rub my fingers on her nipples. She reached for me, her soft fingers running along the ridges of my muscles and to the button of my shorts. Our eyes met again as she unbuttoned them, pushing them down until they puddled on the floor. Her eyes left mine to zero in on my obvious attraction to her. I begrudgingly took my hands from her breasts, unbuttoned her shorts and helped them join mine on the floor. We both stood, her in her sexy black thong and me in my boxer briefs, open and bare to each other. “Are you sure?” April was giving me an out. She was always giving me an out. I lifted her in my arms and carried her to my room, locking the door behind us. I laid her out on my bed and stared at her, in awe that she was here, and my dreams were coming true. I slid her thong down her legs and dropped it to the floor. I lifted her leg and kissed her from her foot up to her inner thigh. The closer I got, the more she wriggled. I’d never done this part before, but I knew enough to know how. The second I touched her slick lips with my finger, April groaned. “Beau . . .” My name falling from her lips while my fingers were inside her had my already rock hard shaft pulsing behind my boxer briefs. I dipped my head, running my nose

along her sex. My fingers moved in and out of her as I took her clit into my mouth and sucked. “Oh, my . . .” April moved her head back and forth, gripping the comforter with her hands as I continued to worship her with my mouth. By her reaction, I guessed I wasn’t half bad at this. When her legs began to clench around my head, I backed off, kissing up her stomach to each of her breasts. Before I could continue, April sat up and pushed me over, her hands making quick work of my boxer briefs. As I sprung free, she hissed through her teeth. Her hand closed over me, pumping me hard first, then soft. My eyes fluttered closed. I hadn’t been touched in so long . . . Memories of the only other time I’d been in this situation came into my head without warning, but I opened my eyes and watched as April kneeled over me, watching her hand pump me. April was different. She wasn’t Robyn. This was different. I knew it was, and I wasn’t going to compare. April wasn’t going to leave me. She took my shaft into her mouth, and I cursed a line of expletives as her warmth overtook me. I concentrated hard on not blowing. I couldn’t do that. Not yet. I had to enjoy this for as long as possible. After concentrating became not enough to hold me back, I moved her off me and settled her back onto my bed. I climbed over her. Sweat trickled down my chest and forehead, and her chest glistened. “You are so beautiful.” I took her lips before she could respond. She hooked one of her legs around my backside and pushed me closer to her, using one hand to stroke my manhood and the other to grip the back of my neck as we kissed. “I need you,” she whispered against my lips. “Now. Please. Skin on skin. I’m clean and on birth control.” My eyes rolled as I settled myself at her entrance. “I’m good, too,” I grunted. Our lips met again as I slid into her heat. I stilled, waiting for a second to acclimate to her tight wetness. It was fucking heaven, right here and now. I could now die a happy man. She moaned as I filled her, her hands finding my ass and pulling me closer to her. We moved in tandem, our tongues moving with our bodies as we made love. And that’s what this was. I knew what fucking was. I’d had that before. I’d seen it many times. But as April gripped me from the inside, I lifted her hands and entwined mine with them. I opened my eyes and saw her watching me, but I didn’t have the urge to look away. We moved together, our soft moans and kisses the only sound in the room. We never broke eye contact. “Beau.” April sighed, loosening her hands from my grip and touching my face. “You feel so good . . .” That was all it took and I let go, filling her as she cried out my name again, scratching her nails down my back as she came around me. I kissed her neck as we both came down. April ran her fingers through my hair as I licked and sucked her smooth skin. I’d never told her how much I loved that she did that, but I did. “That was . . . amazing.” April sighed, moving her hands down my neck and scratching my back. “And quite a welcome home present. Unexpected . . . and the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced.” Ever? I pulled back so I could see her face. I traced my finger along her jaw. “I decided I needed to

show you how much I thought about you while I was gone. I’m glad I did.” April rolled us so she was laying on top of me, her body fitting against mine like it belonged there. “I like your way of showing me,” she whispered. Her fingers traced every outline of every tattoo covering my body, following each touch with a kiss. “I want to show you now.”

April I LAY AWAKE, staring at Beau’s face as he slept. I couldn’t believe I was here; that we were here. After a month of doubting what was going to happen to us once he returned, every single fantasy I’d had came true. I was afraid to go to sleep for fear I’d wake up and this had all been a dream. I stretched, my body deliciously sore. He’d told me he’d only slept with one other woman in his life, but damn that man was talented. But beyond that, he didn’t just have sex with me. No. He made love to me. He used his body to tell me words he couldn’t say. The way he laced his fingers with mine as we moved together or the way his lips moved against mine was so much more than sex. When we’d showered, eaten dinner, and he’d told me he wanted me to stay, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation when I’d agreed. The bathroom light was still on, giving me an unbridled view of Beau’s body. He was magnificent. Between the muscles of his arms, chest, stomach, and back and the colorful ink that covered him, I could stare at him for the rest of my life and not tire of it. When I’d seen him fly into his driveway and stride toward me like a man on a mission, I’d been hopeful. We’d come so far over the last ten days of his tour. But never had I thought he’d pick me up and take me inside his house and put me against the door, stripping me of not only my clothes but any lingering doubt I had about how he felt. I lifted my hands and touched my lips, puffy from the hours of kissing we’d done. I reached out and touched his lips, feeling his breath as he slept. I knew he had to be exhausted after sleeping on a tour bus for a month. Natalie had come home when we’d been eating earlier. She’d taken one look at us—me in Beau’s shirt and my shorts, both of our hair wet from showers—and grinned. We’d had a silent conversation, and she’d left us in the kitchen. Unable to stop myself, I leaned over and kissed Beau’s lips softly. I didn’t want to wake him, but I needed to touch him. When he didn’t move, I nestled my head on his chest and listened to his heart beating. This man was everything to me, and that both exhilarated and scared the shit out of me. I had no idea what that meant for us, but I knew at this point I’d do anything to wake up next to him again. He could wreck me, and I knew it. My eyes drifted closed as his warmth cocooned me. Just before I lost consciousness, I felt his lips against my forehead. Smiling, I fell into a deep sleep.

“I have to go back to Orlando later,” I said. “I have to work tomorrow.” Beau nodded. He’d been quiet since we got up, but I was giving him his space. I knew enough to know it wasn’t all about me. Sometimes he needed to work things out in his head before he could verbalize them. “I want to go.” “You want to go with me?” “I want to see Robbie.” My heart soared. Robbie needed him, and I was starting to think Beau needed him as well. Maybe getting through to Robbie would help Beau see he had another purpose in his life. “I think he would like that.” “Are we allowed to take him out of the home for the day?” I leaned over and kissed him. “Beau, you never cease to amaze me. Yes, I’m allowed to take him out for the day. I’ll have to see if I have any court dates tomorrow or any pressing meetings. But if I don’t, or I can move anything, I would love nothing more than to do that.” “When I was a kid, I always wanted to drive go-karts. I’ve never done that before.” He had never driven a go-kart before? “I’m sure that Robbie would love to do that. Beau, I have a question to ask you.” I knew it made him anxious when I said that, but I had to find out. “What . . . what’s going to happen with us?” He stared at me for so long I wondered if he heard me. “I-I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.” He moved his hands back and forth between us. I nodded. “I live in Orlando. You don’t. You travel a lot for your job. I guess my question is—do you want to figure out how to make this work?” His throat worked, but his eyes never left mine. “I do, April. More than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. But I don’t have any fucking idea how to do that. It terrifies me.” I was shocked at not only his honesty but how effortless it seemed when he said it to me. Maybe we had broken down some walls with each other. I reached over and laced his fingers with mine. “It doesn’t have to terrify you. There’s just a few things we have to figure out.” “How about we figure something else out right now.” He pulled me into his lap. I thought we had more than figured that out, but there was no way in hell I was going to deny him.

I opened the grand door to my parents’ house, stepping on the cool marble floor. My shoes echoed through the empty room as I made my way farther into the house. “Mom?” I knew they were here; it was a rare day off for my dad. Even after almost thirty years of marriage, my parents were the epitome of married love. My mom dropped everything when my dad wasn’t working, and they always spent the day together. I hoped to be the same way with my husband

someday. My thoughts immediately went to Beau, but I pushed them away. I couldn’t think like that yet. “Back here, sweetie!” I followed the voice to the back patio, where my dad was grilling chicken while my mom relaxed in a lounge chair next to him. When I walked through the open doorway, my mom immediately stood up and hugged me. “It’s so great to see you,” she said. “You’re looking beautiful as always. How’d you get away from work today?” “I’m on my way to one of the group homes.” I left out the part about Beau waiting at my house for me. I hadn’t thought he’d be ready to visit my parents with me just yet. Plus, I wanted their advice. “I’m going to pick up one of the kids for the day.” My dad leaned over and kissed my cheek. His eyes sparkled as he smiled at me. “I’m proud of you, April.” There was a time when I wasn’t sure he was going to be proud of me. When I’d told him I wasn’t continuing medical school because I had a different dream for my career, he’d been disappointed. As much as I knew he wanted me to follow in his footsteps, he never let it affect our relationship. “Do you want a drink, honey? Dad’s about got lunch ready if you want to stay.” “I’ll take tea. I’m here to ask some advice.” My mom stopped pouring, frozen as she searched my face to try to figure out what I wanted to know. My dad finished the chicken and turned the grill off. He set the plate on the table in the middle of us. “We’re listening,” he said. “Is everything okay?” I nodded, sipping my tea so I could give myself a moment to collect my thoughts. Not that I hadn’t been thinking about it ever since Beau and I had agreed to see each other—or whatever we were doing. “Do you remember Beau?” My mom tapped her finger against her lips as she scoured her memory. My dad nodded. He was great with names and people. “The drummer from Jaded Regret, right?” “Ah, yes! I knew that name sounded familiar.” My mom laughed at herself. “He seemed like a nice guy, although he was very quiet. Sure can play the drums, though.” I searched their faces for any sign of distaste or disapproval of the way he looked or who he was. I saw nothing. “Yes. That’s him.” “What about him, dear?” My mom took a piece of chicken and put it on my dad’s plate, then one on mine before getting herself one. My stomach was in knots, so I didn’t touch my food. My dad watched me, his gaze unrelenting. He knew how to read me well. “Well, we . . . uh . . . we’ve been talking since the fundraiser.” My mom raised her eyebrows. I rarely brought up anything having to do with men, not wanting to get their hopes up about me settling down and giving them grandbabies. “Talking? I doubt you’d be bringing it up if it was just talking. Is it serious, April?” I fiddled with the fork next to my plate. “It’s still . . . early. I like him a lot.” “It’s hard to have a relationship with someone in his lifestyle.” My stomach clenched at my dad’s words. Was he judging him? When he saw the expression on my face he shook his head. “Just because he doesn’t stay in one place for long. What is that going to mean for you?”

I nodded. “I know. Things are early, so we’re still figuring all that out.” “Well, honey, you know we only want you to be happy, but you said you wanted advice, so what’s the problem?” My mom sat back and put down her fork, giving me her full attention. I sighed. Here went nothing. “Well . . . the reason I wanted advice was because Beau has . . . history of mental illness in his family. He grew up in foster care because his mother couldn’t handle his issues after his father committed suicide when he was young.” Both my parents froze at my admission. “What’s your question, sweetie?” Dad asked. “Well . . . you . . . you’re familiar with mental illness, right? I mean, as a doctor, you have to know about all these things.” My dad looked at me for a moment before answering. “Well, yes, April. What kind of mental illness are we talking about?” I was embarrassed to admit I didn’t know. “Well, I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I know depression is part of it. A huge part of it, if I had to guess.” “Depression is common,” he said. “So what exactly is your question?” “Is he . . . can he care about me? Can he be in a relationship?” “Honey, without knowing much about his history or being around him, I can’t tell you about him accurately. What I can say is people with all kinds of mental illnesses can be successful in relationships as long as they have a good treatment plan and support from everyone who is close to them.” “Can I make him happy?” My mom covered one of my hands with hers. “Sweetie, happiness can’t come from you. He has to be happy and content with where he is and where he’s going in life. You can’t fix him. I know you’re a fixer and want to make things right for everyone, but regardless if you and Beau decide to be serious or not, you can’t be his rescuer. Doing that will only pull you down with him.” Every word she said made sense, but I wanted to be that person for him. I wanted to keep him out of his head and help him see how worthy he was. “How do I support him when he’s not happy?” My dad blew out a breath. “If you’re going to be in a relationship, he’s going to have to learn to talk to you when he’s not okay. Communication is the key to any relationship, but particularly in one like the two of you. Regardless of what you decide, he belongs to a rock band, and you are a social worker. You don’t live in the same area. So for you to feel like you’re happy, he’ll have to make sure he’s ready to communicate with you. Do you think he is?” I thought of Beau, our bodies moving together while his eyes drank in every part of me. I thought of his fingers laced with mine anytime he could. I thought of the gentle way he’d kissed me before I left my house. “He does. It’s not always with words. He’s . . . quiet. It’s hard for him.” “Be careful, honey,” my mom said. “I don’t want to tell you not to be with him because I can see that you’re over the moon. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you like this. But no matter what guy you meet, I’m going to tell you to be sure it’s what you want. Take your time and get to know each other. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Would Beau hurt me? Maybe. I was way more worried about the ways I could hurt him.

Beau’s fingers tapped on his legs as we pulled into the group home. I’d called them earlier and told them to keep Robbie out of school today, that I’d be by to get him. As much as I knew Beau wanted to be here, it made him nervous to be around Robbie. I cut the engine and sat, my eyes trained on Beau to give me a sign that he was ready. When I’d picked him up after seeing my parents, he’d kissed me for so long I wasn’t sure we were going to make it to see Robbie. He hadn’t wanted to talk, but his eyes had been serious. I hadn’t pushed him, but I was worried. Maybe spending the day with Robbie might be too much for our fragile relationship. Finally, I put a hand over one of Beau’s, stilling his fingers. “Do you want to do this? We don’t have to.” Beau turned his dark eyes to me. “I want to do it because no one did it for me.” He said it so quietly I had to strain to hear him. “Find him a home, April. A real one, with parents who will take care of him.” I sighed. “I want that more than anything, Beau.” What I didn’t say was how unadoptable Robbie was presenting. His refusal to talk or get close to anyone, coupled with his outbursts at the group home and school, I couldn’t even get him out of the group home to a regular foster home. Beau turned and opened the door to the car, stopping our conversation. I followed him in silence, hoping today wouldn’t be a mistake for Robbie or us. Beau’s demeanor instantly changed the second we walked into the large living room and saw Robbie sitting on the couch, his eyes trained on the television screen. A few toddlers played, but otherwise, the room was empty since everyone was at school. “Hi, Robbie.” His eyes met mine, but there was no reaction. Robbie’s eyes moved past me and settled on Beau, and I saw it. A little spark of something burned in his eyes. He liked Beau. Maybe this wouldn’t be a disaster after all. I sat down next to him on the couch and Beau sat next to me. I could see his fingers working on his legs. “Hi, Robbie,” he said. Robbie tucked the picture he was clutching against his chest into the pocket of his jacket so we couldn’t see it and said nothing. “We wanted to take you somewhere fun today,” I explained. Robbie’s eyes widened a little, and he glanced back at Beau but didn’t respond. “Have you ever driven go-karts?” Robbie bit his lip, looking back and forth between the two of us. I thought for sure he wasn’t going to answer when he started nodding his head. It might not be words, but at least it was something. “Would you like to go with us? Beau wants to go to a fun place with go-karts, and he thought you’d like to join us. We’ll get greasy pizza or chicken nuggets and fries.” I needed Beau to say something to him. I wasn’t sure I could convince Robbie to go with us. I nudged Beau, telling him with my eyes what I didn’t want to say out loud. If this was going to work, he had to get through to Robbie like he had before. He was the only one Robbie had spoken a word to in the weeks he had been here. Beau cleared his throat, and his fingers tapped against his thighs. Looking at the two of them was like

seeing mirror images of the same person. Both of them were nervous, quiet, and unsure. I could only hope they could bring out something in each other. “I-I’ve never driven a go-kart before and thought you could do it with me.” Robbie’s eyes widened. “Never?” One of the counselors in the room stopped in her tracks when she heard Robbie speak to Beau. Our eyes met across the room, and I nodded. Beau was Robbie’s ticket to communication. Beau shook his head. “Never. Do you think you could show me how to drive one?” Robbie nodded his head. “I’ve only been a few times, but I love it.” He stood, zipping his jacket up even though it was warm outside. I wasn’t about to say anything to him about his clothing choice. “Well, let’s go then! Do you want to bring anything with you?” Robbie shook his head. “Why do you want me to go with you?” His voice was small and made me think of what a little child he was, despite the fact he was nine and had lived a rough life. Beau shrugged. “I think you’re cool. You remind me a lot of me when I was a kid.” Robbie’s eyes widened, and he looked down at his feet without saying a word. “Let’s go have fun.” I tried to lighten the seriousness between them. We said goodbye to Trent and walked out to my car. I hoped today would give me some insight on how best to help Robbie . . . and Beau.

Beau I COULD SEE Robbie staring at me out of the corner of my eye the entire car ride. I wanted to talk to him, but what the hell did I know about talking to a nine-year-old boy? April’s hand was tucked in mine as she drove. The warmth of her fingers kept my head sated and my fingers still. I peered at her face, the creamy smoothness of her skin radiating in the bright Florida sunshine. Her dark hair was pulled halfway up off her face, the rest curling across her shoulders. She had on a pair of jean capris and a silk short-sleeved shirt—casual, yet still professional. A pair of sandals showed off her red toenail polish. She was perfection. Way too perfect for the likes of me, but hell if I could make myself stay away from her. I wanted to be with her every second of every day. The thought of leaving her later and going home already had my stomach in knots. How was I going to be a long distance boyfriend? Hell, how was I going to be a boyfriend at all? I had zero experience with this. You need to tell her. Everything. Once she knows the truth, she’ll know you’re a piece of shit. She’s a young woman with a future ahead of her. I shook my head, ridding the thoughts from my head. April and I hadn’t figured out how we’d do this long distance. I didn’t need to bare all my secrets to her. “Beau.” April lifted our joined hands and kissed mine, shaking me out of my head. I smiled at her, kissing her hand back. She seemed pacified, turning her attention back to the road as she pulled into the small amusement park. I could see batting cages, mini golf, and multiple go-kart tracks. A large building sat to the side, more than likely full of video games. A kid’s heaven. Robbie’s eyes were wide as April parked the car. He was taking everything in, and I could understand that. Ripples of excitement rolled through me. How stupid was that? Here I was, an almost thirty-year-old man and I felt like I was five. “Ready?” I held open Robbie’s door. April’s silent conversation earlier had told me I needed to step it up with Robbie today. He responded to me for some reason, and I needed to be the person April thought I was and show her I could do this with him. It had been my idea, after all. He nodded, stepping out. His eyes zeroed in on the cars zooming around the track, then moved to the mini golf course. “Can we do that?” I followed his gaze. “We can do whatever you want.” April nodded.

Then Robbie shocked the hell out of me and slipped his small hand into mine as we walked toward the building to buy tickets. April was walking on the other side of me, and when I squeezed her fingers, her eyes met mine. Tears sparkled in her eyes. “You’re incredible,” she whispered into my ear. I’d never felt better in my life.

“You drive,” Robbie said. “Are you sure?” April stood behind the gate, watching us. We’d done single go karts several times, and now Robbie and I were going to go on the double one together, so she decided to stay back. I hadn’t missed her phone in her hand snapping pictures of us as we waited, but I wondered what was so picture worthy. “Yes. I want to ride with you.” I smiled. My head had been blissfully quiet since we’d gotten here with Robbie. He’d been nothing but wonderful the whole time, from playing mini golf to eating greasy amusement park food. He’d said a few words to April, though most of his conversation was directed only to me. “Beau?” Robbie’s adorable eyes met mine. His fingers twisted together. He still hadn’t removed his jacket. The child had to be hot as hell. “Yes?” “Is this . . . is this what it’s like to have a dad?” My heart clenched. You’re a worthless piece of shit, just like him. You should kill yourself, too. You shouldn’t even be here. I tapped my fingers on the rail in front of me as we waited, trying to control my breathing and push the voice right out of my head. “I don’t know,” I said truthfully. Robbie bit his lip, nodding his head. “We have that in common. Well, we can pretend, right? Hey, we can pretend I’m your kid.” I lay back on the table. “Are you sure?” The doctor looked over at the nurse and then back to me. “You’re so young.” I closed my eyes, seeing visions of my dad swinging from the doorway, a belt wrapped around his neck. “Do it,” I said. “Just do it.” I couldn’t ever do that to someone else. I wasn’t taking the chance. April must’ve sensed my stress or had seen my body language because she appeared next to us. “Everything okay?” She spoke low enough for just me to hear. I needed her. I knew myself enough to know things were headed south in a big way. “April,” I barely got out. She turned and pressed her body against mine, wrapping her arms around me. “Beau.” Her sweet breath caressed my face with her words. “Open your eyes and see me standing here, supporting you.” I fought to listen to her and stop the downward spiral that was imminent. “Come on. Whatever it is, let it go. We’re here together. We’re having fun doing something you’ve always wanted

to do.” When my eyes stayed closed, her lips touched mine and her fingers went through the short hair on the sides of my head. “It’s almost your turn. Robbie is watching us. Come on, Beau. Let it go.” That was when I felt a small hand on my arm. “Beau? Are you sick?” Fucking worthless waste of space. I forced my eyes open. April’s concerned face was the first thing I saw. I looked down at Robbie, who was watching me with an understanding that shredded me. This child shouldn’t understand what I felt like. He should never know the pain that lived inside of me. “It’s our turn,” he said. I turned away from April, but she gripped my arm. “Beau.” “I’m okay.” I brushed my lips against hers. “Thank you. I needed you.” April nodded, smiling down at Robbie. As we walked away, I heard her whisper, “I need you, too, Beau.”

We pulled into the group home and stepped out of the car. Robbie led us into the house. We’d spent almost the entire afternoon there, riding go-karts over and over, playing mini golf, and playing video games until we’d had enough tickets for Robbie to get an enormous stuffed dog he’d had his eye on since we’d walked in. I’d never seen a kid look more thankful in my life than when we handed him that huge dog. Then again, who knew what kinds of presents he’d ever gotten. He’d clutched onto that thing the whole ride home. Every time I would glance at him, he was gazing out the window, the picture he held in his other hand. We’d eaten more junk food than I ever wanted to see again. He’d had a blast. By the end, he’d been talking in full sentences not just to me, but to April as well. It might’ve had something to do with the affection she and I had shown each other, but she seemed to think he felt safe. I had no idea why he felt safe with me, but the kid was something else. He wasn’t the angry, threatening child he came across as to everyone else. He didn’t have a mean bone in his body. He was in pain and didn’t know what to do about that. He’d never had any stability or someone who loved him the way he should’ve been loved. Like me. I could’ve been describing me. I’d thought, as a small child, that my life was perfect. My daddy had taught me to play drums and loved me; I had a big sister who was bossy but my best friend, and my mommy read me stories and kissed me goodnight. The day that his life ended had been the end of my childhood as I knew it. “I’m going to put this in my room,” Robbie said. “Will you stay for a minute?” He looked back and forth between both of us. April nodded. “Of course. We’ll be out here.” We watched as Robbie disappeared. “Beau.” I could tell her throat was thick with unshed tears by the

way she spoke. “Today was amazing. Thank you for thinking of doing this with him. I think it made all the difference in the world. Robbie—there’s hope for him.” “Yes, there is. You have to get him out of here, April. He needs a real family. Someone who will love him.” One tear slid down her cheek, but she wiped it away before I could get to it. “I’m trying, Beau. I am. I want that for him so badly. He has to show that he wants it, too.” I nodded, knowing that was true but also knowing that Robbie was terrified and wouldn’t open up to just anyone. Robbie flew into the room, silencing us both. When he still saw us there, he stopped, a smile playing on his lips. The way he’d run in here, it was like he didn’t believe we’d still be there even after we said we would. Trust. His trust had been so broken in adults he didn’t believe we’d still be here. “Beau.” Robbie appeared in front of me. “Yes?” I crouched down so I looked straight into his eyes. I noticed he had taken his jacket off. “Will you come with me for a second? I want to show you something.” April beamed, nodding her head at me in approval. I knew this was huge. Whatever he wanted to show me I’d be grateful for because I knew it was difficult for him to do this. “Of course.” I stood up and held out my hand. “Show me.” Robbie glanced back at April, but we both knew what the look meant. You stay here. She took the hint and waved to us just as Trent walked up next to her. He watched wide-eyed as Robbie pulled me into the room he shared with many other boys. “This is my bed.” Robbie climbed onto a bottom bunk. “Tristan sleeps up there because he’s ten and I’m only nine, so he says he’s the boss.” He rolled his eyes like it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard and I stifled a laugh. I settled on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to continue. “I can’t sleep at night,” he said. “I miss her.” I sucked in a breath at his admission. I wasn’t cut out for this . . . type of talking. I had nothing to say that could make him feel better, so I said nothing. “I don’t know why I do. She wasn’t a good mom. I mean . . . I think she loved me, but how do I know?” “Robbie, do you want to get out of here?” I indicated around us. “Yes.” His lip wobbled and fear sliced through my gut. If he cried, what the hell would I do? “I hate it here.” “You have to stop freaking out then,” I said. “You’ll make families afraid of you.” Tears welled up in his eyes. I needed April. I willed her to show up at the doorway. “I-I can’t.” “You can’t?” He shook his head as two tears streaked down his freckled face. “I don’t mean to. Just—something happens inside me.” It was like I was on the outside of my body, watching as I picked up the chair and hurtled it at my

teacher. Words I’d never said came from my mouth. I saw the other children staring at me in fear, cowering together as I destroyed everything in my path. What was I doing? Why was I doing it? “Robbie, when you feel like that, I need you to find something that calms you. Do you have something that calms you?” He reached over and picked up a little square that looked like a piece of paper. “This. But it doesn’t always work. Sometimes I’m too upset for it to matter.” He turned the little square toward me, and that’s when I realized what it was. It was the picture that had started the meltdown weeks ago, the one he carried with him everywhere and didn’t let anyone see. He was going to show it . . . to me. The picture seemed like it had been through the washing machine a few times and was so faded and cracked I could hardly make it out. It was Robbie; that was for sure. He looked to be a few years old and was grinning from ear to ear, his arms wrapped around the woman’s neck. My eyes shifted to the woman holding him, and the breath left my lungs in a whoosh. The room spun as my brain registered what my heart couldn’t seem to understand. There was no way. It wasn’t her. No fucking way. My head was playing tricks on me. I closed my eyes and then reopened them, but the image was still the same. It was her. I hadn’t seen her in ten years, but that didn’t matter. Visions of her sinking on top of me, riding me with reckless abandon flashed in my memory. Her long, dark hair had fallen in front of her face, brushing my chest as she moaned my name. I’d never seen her again after that morning, but there was no doubt it was her in this picture. I’d studied her so often when we worked together that I’d know her face anywhere. Robbie watched me with both curiosity and slight alarm. I studied him—really studied him. His dark hair and large dark eyes. The smattering of freckles across his face. The way his head ran away with him and he couldn’t control it . . . he was nine years old. “W-was your mom’s name Robyn?” Robbie smiled. “Yes! How did you know that?” I stood, the picture clutched in my fingers. The room spun, and the voices came from everywhere at once, making me squeeze my eyes closed against them. No. No. I barely registered his small voice somewhere around me, calling my name. This wasn’t happening to me. It wasn’t true. This was my brain’s way of fucking with me. I’d wake up from this idiotic nightmare in a few seconds and be next to April, her hand in mine. April. Where was she? My eyes squeezed shut, and my chest heaved. I felt myself slipping deeper and deeper, my mind losing the battle. I tapped my fingers and the photo fell to the floor. My head disconnected, and my eyes flung open, taking in Robbie’s scared expression. I had to get out of here. I ran from the room, flinging the door back so hard I heard it crack and bounce back from the wall. I made my way through the living room, not seeing anything. Sweat dripped from my face, and my fists clenched at my sides. My lungs tingled with the lack of oxygen circulating through my blood. I knew there were people in the room, but I couldn’t register anything about them. Everything was a blur. I was a fucking curse. She’d been right all along. I’d fucked up, and now someone else’s life had been

affected because of me. I should’ve died with my dad all those years ago. My life wasn’t worth anything. I had to take care of this for once and for all. No one else would suffer because of me. The bright sunlight flooded my eyes as I ran out the front door. I heard noise coming from behind me, but I couldn’t stop now. The voices were screaming in my head, and it was time to quiet them once and for all. My existence on this earth was a mistake, and I was nothing but poison to everything I touched. I reached the busy street and stood, my arms outstretched, in the middle of oncoming traffic. The familiar feeling of floating above myself came over me, and I watched from above, the sounds of cars honking and people yelling muted like I’d hit the button to silence them. My curses and shouts were just echoes in my ears. I wanted the fuck out of here. Beau Anderson ceased to exist. The empty shell of him was unraveling and would never come back.

April “TRENT, CALL 9–1-1!” I ran to the edge of the road. Trent turned back to the house and sprinted inside. “BEAU! Come here!” Terror laced my voice. What the hell happened? One second Beau was following Robbie to his room and the next he had been tearing out of the house, panic all over his face. Beau was unreachable. He didn’t see me or hear me. He was screaming and cursing, his arms outstretched in the middle of traffic. At this point, cars had stopped, many of them watching the scenario unfold, but just as many trying not to hit the man who had gone over the edge. God, I hoped none of them recognized him and started posting videos or pictures. That was all he needed. Beau was a private person and would never be okay with this getting out to anyone. I took off across the road, my heart thumping so hard I thought it might jump out of my chest. When I reached him, I stopped a few steps away to assess what I could do to diffuse the situation. His eyes were closed and he was covered in sweat. He was gasping for air as he screamed words I couldn’t understand. Bile choked my throat as it threatened to come up. I shook from head to toe, adrenaline running through my veins as my mind raced, trying to think of how I could stop this from happening. Just when I was about to reach out for him, he turned and took off running. Where the hell was he going? I wasn’t wearing shoes suitable for running, but that sure as hell wasn’t going to stop me. I hit a button on my phone as I ran, screaming at Trent that he was on the move and to call the police. Sobs tore through my chest as I ran, continuing to beg Beau to stop. It was futile. He wasn’t hearing me. As much as I wanted to be able to find a way to stop him, it seemed like I didn’t have the tools to do so. When Beau turned at the end of the block, I knew just where he was going. I gasped, my legs burning and my heart about to explode. Tears blinded my vision, but I ran anyway. I’d never been so scared in my life, and I’d seen some scary things in my job. “NO!” I shouted. “PLEASE, Beau! Stop!” He either didn’t hear me or didn’t care, because he picked up his pace and moved faster once he saw what he had been aiming for. My phone was clutched in my hand, but I didn’t know who to call to help me. No one could help me now. Natalie was too far away. It was all on me. I had to be the one to save his life. He reached the park that bordered the river and started running faster than before. He was headed for the bridge. Where the hell were the police? This couldn’t happen. I couldn’t let it happen. My lungs burned, and my legs felt like they were going to give out at any second, but I pushed faster and harder. My

eyes were clouded with tears, and my heart ached. Beau slowed as he reached the bridge, so I was able to catch up with him. I skidded to a stop, my chest heaving. I wanted to run up and grab him, holding on to him until the police arrived and we could make sure he was safe, but I knew he was way stronger than me, and I was scared of what he would do if I tried. I paced, saying his name over and over as I hoped and prayed for him to turn around and take me in his arms. I prayed to every god that might be out there to give me the right things to say to get him to turn around and see me standing here, ready to do anything and everything he needed. His hands were on the back of his head as he paced at the edge, the same unintelligible sounds still coming from his lips. He pulled his hand back and punched the concrete as hard as he could. The crack of the bones in his hand breaking made me wince, but he didn’t even flinch. “Beau.” I had to try. “Listen to me. It’s me. April. I’m here for you. Whatever happened, whatever is wrong, we will work through it together.” My voice cracked, and tears flowed down my face again, dripping down my chin and onto my shirt. I didn’t bother wiping them away anymore. He was still pacing the edge, now holding on to what must be a broken hand and ignoring me. Shit. He broke his hand. He was a drummer. He’d never want to break his hand. “Everything is going to be okay. Beau, you mean so much to me. You’re an amazing man, do you know that? When you’re on the stage, you’re an enigma. But that’s not the Beau I love being around. Today, at the go-kart track? Seeing your face when you were whipping around that track made me so happy. Lying in bed with you, watching you sleep, makes me feel safe and protected. The way you look at me and kiss me? You are more than you even realize, Beau. Hear me, Beau. Please. I’m begging you. Don’t do this. It’s not what you want.” He bellowed as he pulled on his hair with his good hand, but didn’t acknowledge I had spoken. I couldn’t take this. He was shredding every single part of me from the inside out. I hoped to God help was coming. I wanted to be the person who stopped him, but I didn’t think I could. “Beau. I’m here for you. I’m standing right here.” There was no indication Beau heard a single word I said, and I was too scared to get any closer to him. I had to force my feet not to run to him and wrap myself around him, but I knew better. When someone was in the place where Beau was right now, doing something rash would only be dangerous to us both. When I saw three police cars careening into the parking lot, followed by an ambulance, I breathed out in relief. Just as I turned back to watch Beau and make sure he stayed right where he was, he turned back to look at me once, his eyes dead, before holding out his arms and falling backward over the side of the bridge. It was seconds before I heard the splash, indicating he was in the water. “NO!” I leaned over the side, my eyes searching for him. I couldn’t see him! My eyes frantically scanned the water, my heart in my throat. My head spun, stars appearing in my vision. No. I couldn’t pass out or freak out. Beau needed me, and I was going to be the one to find him. Where the hell was he? The water was still . . . too still. “BEAU!” The police skidded to a stop behind me. “HELP HIM!” I shouted. “He—he . . .” I collapsed to the

ground, clutching my chest as my heart painfully contracted. I couldn’t take it. I sobbed and finally wretched, the contents of my stomach spilling out onto the concrete bridge. The officer spoke into his radio, but I had no idea what he said. Three other officers appeared next to him. They’d now blocked the bridge so no one could come up there while they worked the scene. The scene. Beau had tried to kill himself. Hell, he might’ve succeeded. One of them walked up to me and helped me up. I wiped my mouth and attempted to settle my shaking nerves. “F-find him. H-he jumped. I c-can’t see him anymore.” “We need divers,” one of them said into his radio. “We have a man who has jumped off the bridge. Suicide attempt.” Suicide attempt. Suicide attempt. The words reverberated around my head. I couldn’t process what was happening right now. I covered my mouth with my hand, my entire body shaking as my eyes continued to scan the water. Come up, Beau. Come up and show me you’re okay. I need you to be okay. “She’s in shock.” A paramedic appeared. “Come on, honey. Let’s sit you in the rig while they get the divers out there. Let’s give her a moment. It isn’t every day you see someone jump off a bridge right in front of you.” A large blanket come across my shoulders, and then they led me away from the bridge. More police lined the park, and I saw one step up to the pier directly below the bridge, suited up with a dive suit. I began sobbing again. “B-beau.” I turned to the officers. “You have to find him!” The paramedic opened the back door of the ambulance, and I sat, my eyes trained ahead as I watched the team on the ground try to find a sign of Beau in the murky water. “Miss? Can you help us? The more information we know, the more we can help. You said his name was Beau? Was he suicidal?” Was Beau suicidal? An hour ago I would’ve said no. But now? I had no idea. What had I missed? We’d had such a great day with Robbie. Then Robbie had asked him to come to his room. I picked up my phone. I needed to call Trent. He had to ask Robbie what happened. I knew the boy was only nine years old, but he was my only clue. “I-I don’t know, but I have an idea. Just a second.” The officer’s radio crackled, and he turned to the team still standing on the pier. “We think we’ve spotted him. Mills and Gilman are heading down there now.” Trent picked up after less than a ring. “What the hell happened, April?” “Beau jumped from the bridge.” I didn’t recognize my own voice. “I need Robbie.” My voice cracked. “I need him to get on the phone and talk to me, Trent. It’s the only way I can figure out what happened.” “Just a second.” I could hear him moving through the house. “Robbie? April is on the phone. Can you talk to her for a minute?” There was silence for too long, and then a sigh from Trent. “He won’t take the phone, April. He’s huddled on his bed and hasn’t moved since Beau ran out of here.” I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t leave here to talk to Robbie. Hell, he probably wouldn’t even speak to me. The only reason he’d talked to me before was because of Beau. I had to wait for them to get Beau out of that water.

“Okay.” A sob ripped through my chest. “Can you call my office and tell them I won’t be back today? Don’t tell them . . .” I broke off, unable to continue. “I won’t,” Trent said. “Call someone to be there with you, April.” I thought my life had been changed in a good way, but if they didn’t pull Beau out of that water alive, they might as well bury me with him. After what I’d seen, I wouldn’t ever be the same again. I had to call Natalie. She was three hours away, but she needed to get here. My shaking fingers hovered over her name, knowing within seconds her life was going to be changed as well. “Hey, April! How are you?” Her cheerful voice was my undoing, and I began sobbing loudly again, not able to make any coherent words come from my mouth. “April? What’s wrong? What happened? April!” The paramedic took the phone from me and began talking to Natalie. “I’m here with April. My name is Lilly St. John. I’m a paramedic.” She paused, and I heard Natalie’s loud voice. “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t tell you any medical information over the phone.” Lilly handed me back the phone. “She wants you.” “Nat, I need you. Please hurry.” “What the hell happened, April?” I could hear her calling to the other members of Jaded Regret. There was shuffling and muffled voices. “He . . . jumped, Nat.” My throat clogged. “He jumped? Jumped from what?” I held my chest, my heart feeling like it was ripping from its walls. “The bridge.” “He jumped off a bridge?” “I-I don’t know what made him do it. We had a great day. He has to survive, Nat. I can’t . . .” “I know. We’re on our way. You need to let me know when they find him. Okay? We need you to keep us up to date.” A sob ripped from her throat. Lilly’s sympathetic eyes found mine. “They’re the best in the state. They’ll find him.” “They have to,” I whispered. “Is he your boyfriend?” Visions of Beau sliding inside me, his large brown eyes watching me as we took each other over the edge filled my mind. He had to be okay. I didn’t care what I had to do to make things better for him. Whatever he had to go through, I’d be there with him. I couldn’t lose him. I nodded, and she wrapped her arm around my shoulders. I leaned into her and sobbed. It seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes, when I heard shouts from the pier. I stood up, my legs carrying me as fast as I could go to where they were. Before I could register what was happening, Lilly and her partner flew past me with the gurney and equipment. They’d found him? By the time I reached them, they were pulling Beau’s lifeless body out of the water. His eyes were closed like he was in a peaceful slumber. Water poured out of his clothes as they rolled him onto the concrete. Lilly took over, her partner throwing things out of their medical bag to prepare to shock him. She

listened and felt for a pulse. I watched as they cut his clothes off him and dried his chest with a towel. “No pulse or breathing sounds. Starting compressions and CPR.” I watched, frozen, as she pressed her small hands over his heart, counting as she tried to pump life back into him. She then leaned down and tipped his chin back, using a bag to blow air into his lungs. She leaned down and listened, shaking her head as she began compressions again. My eyes scanned his lifeless body—the way his eyes were closed like the night I’d watched him sleep. His hair had droplets of water clinging to it. His beautiful body was still and quiet. His fingers weren’t playing the drums or holding my hand. Her partner, needing no instruction, took out a small defibrillator and began charging it up. Moving in sync without any words, Lilly took the paddles and shocked Beau’s heart with them. I watched his body jolt as they shocked him and then settled back onto the concrete, still unmoving. “Beau.” I dropped to my knees again, my body convulsing with sobs. I wanted to press the warmth of my body against his to wake him up. “Come on, Beau. For me. Please wake up.” Lilly glanced over at me, her eyes sad as she had her partner adjust the strength of the machine. I knew what her was meant to convey. If he didn’t respond with this, there wasn’t much hope for him. She shocked him again, the sight of his body jumping with the strength of the machine making me weak in the knees. I’d never been much of a prayer, but I found myself begging and pleading to a higher power for the second time in as many minutes to save Beau’s life. I heard a strangling sound and then watched, immobile, as they turned Beau’s body to the side. Water poured out of his mouth, and he continued to sputter for a moment before his body stilled again. He was alive. “I’ve got a pulse! Breathing sounds are shallow but there. Let’s bag him and transport.” I stood and rushed toward them, unable to wait for one more second to be closer to him. I stood behind Lilly and scanned every inch of his body, watching the comforting rise and fall of his chest. They shifted Beau’s body onto the board and then the stretcher, running him across to the awaiting ambulance. I followed, needing to be next to him as much as I needed my next breath. Just as they put him inside the ambulance, I realized my car was back at the group home, and I had no one here to take me to the hospital. They weren’t going to let me ride with him. “Get in,” Lilly said, reading my thoughts. “He needs you.” I didn’t waste a second hesitating. I jumped in, squeezing next to him as Lilly continued to work. I held his hand, cold from the water. I began shaking, the adrenaline from this entire time catching up with me. “I-is he okay?” “He’s in critical condition.” Lilly watched the screen where his vitals were displayed. “But we have a pulse, and he’s breathing, honey. That gives you hope. It didn’t seem like we were going to get him back there for a few minutes. It’s still touch and go. I don’t want you to think he’s out of the woods in any way.” I rested my head on Beau’s arm and prayed that he would wake up and look me in the eyes again. “Beau.” My tears fell onto the ink of his arm. “Come back to me. Don’t give up. It’s not your time yet. We haven’t had enough time together. Be as strong as I know you are. I’m right here with you, all the way.”

No one had told me a word about Beau’s progress. Ever since Lilly had left, squeezing my hand and saying she hoped everything worked out, I’d been left in an empty waiting room. Since I wasn’t his family and we weren’t married, I wouldn’t get any information until Natalie got here. Thank God she should be here any minute. The waiting was killing me. My phone had been blowing up, between Trent, Bella, and Camyrn, but I couldn’t focus on talking to any of them. I hadn’t had the nerve to call my dad yet, even though he could help me. He knew everyone at this hospital and would’ve gotten me the information I craved. But then he’d know that Beau tried to kill himself, and I decided that was worse than me waiting for Natalie. Beau falling over the side of the bridge kept replaying over and over in my head. Had he known I was there? I didn’t know much about what he went through, but he hadn’t even seemed to know me. The same thought came to me over and over again. What had happened with him and Robbie? It didn’t make sense. What could a child do to send Beau into a tailspin like that? Unless . . . something Robbie had shown him had upset him. Maybe it reminded him of something in his childhood? I shook my head, my shoes smacking on the floor as I made yet another lap on the worn linoleum floor. I had no idea, and unless I left here and went to see Robbie, I wasn’t going to find out. Unless Beau told me himself, which I doubted. My phone dinged again, and I groaned. I lifted the screen and saw it was Natalie. “Nat.” “Where are you? We’re here.” “In the waiting room down the hall from ICU.” “He’s in ICU?” “Yes. The paramedic told me that much; it’s all the info I’ve gotten. They won’t say anything without you here.” “Well, I’m here. So we’ll find out everything we need to know.” I waited impatiently at the doorway to see Natalie turn the corner. Once I saw her, I began crying again. Following her was Bex, Johnny, and Tanner. His family was here. Natalie reached me first, and we wrapped our arms around each other, both of us wetting each other’s shirts with our tears. Before I knew it, the two of us were surrounded by the rest of Jaded Regret as we all clung to each other, hoping and praying for the man we all loved.

“He’s stable,” Natalie said. “They have him on a psych hold, but his body is stable. He has a broken hand, and it’s wrapped. Otherwise, his heart and lungs are fine. They say his brain activity is good, too. It’s a miracle he’s alive and not a vegetable . . . or worse.” Relief washed over me like a tidal wave. “So he’ll be okay?”

“They’re going to transfer him up to psych tomorrow morning after they make sure tonight he’s okay.” Natalie wrung her hands while pacing in front of me. The rest of the band sat quietly behind us in chairs, listening intently to what she’d found out. Bex was holding her head in her hands while Johnny rubbed her back. “Is he awake?” She shook her head. “No. He’s sedated. They want him to rest.” I dropped into a chair next to Bex, my legs unable to hold me anymore. “This is all my fault.” Bex put a hand on my back. “It’s not your fault, April.” I lifted weary eyes to her. “If I hadn’t encouraged him to talk to Robbie . . .” “We don’t know what triggered this.” Natalie spoke from the other side. “And you can’t blame yourself. It’s been a long time since it was this bad, but this isn’t the first time he’s had episodes like this.” “Has he tried to kill himself before?” “No,” Natalie said. “That’s a definite escalation.” She shook her head. “I just don’t get it. He couldn’t wait to come up here with you and see Robbie. When I saw you two at our house . . .” Bex reached out her hand for Natalie. “This isn’t your fault, either. You couldn’t have seen this coming. None of us could’ve. Instead of us focusing on the what-ifs, let’s focus on helping Beau through whatever this is. How long will they keep him in psych?” “I don’t know. They will evaluate him and see what he needs. The doctor seemed to think he would need inpatient care for at least a week to assess him and make sure he’s stable enough to be on his own. I called his psychiatrist at home and left her a message, too, so she would know.” Johnny and Tanner were quiet, both of them listening to us discuss what was going to happen with Beau. “Can we see him?” I needed to put my eyes on him and know he was breathing. After seeing him so still and so lifeless had scared me shitless, I needed reassurance. “Not yet,” Natalie said. “They don’t want any of us seeing him until he’s evaluated by psych tomorrow. Right now, we need to try to find out what happened. The more information we give them, the better it will be. It’s likely Beau won’t remember what happened or what he did, but once he does, they need to have the tools to help him.” I thought of Robbie and my heart broke. That child had already been through enough, and I didn’t want to force him to talk to me if something traumatic had spurred Beau’s reaction, but I had to try to talk to him. “I’m going to go to the group home and talk to Robbie. Can one of you take me? My car is there.” Natalie nodded. “I will. I drove separately from the rest of them, anyway. I’m going to leave my number with the nurses in case something happens, but we can’t see him until tomorrow so we might as well try to figure out what happened.” “You can stay with me,” I said automatically. “As long as you need to.” “We got a hotel already,” Bex said. “Our nanny is there with the kids. But thank you, April. We’re going, too, as long as you’re okay with it.” I nodded. They wanted to find out what had triggered him as

much as I did. I wasn’t going to deny them. Heath stepped into place behind us as we walked out of the waiting room. Just as we got to the lobby, I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw the crowd outside the front doors. “What the . . .” Heath swore behind us and pulled out his phone. After a few seconds, he turned to us. “It’s out. The press is out there. Someone saw Jaded Regret coming into this hospital minus Beau, and someone else said they had a picture of him standing in the middle of traffic.” “Fuck,” Johnny said. “All he fucking needs is to be accosted by the goddamn media. What should we do?” “I’m going to need to call Allan,” Natalie said. “He’ll have to do damage control. We’ll ask him if he wants us to put out a statement.” “Hold on one second,” Heath said, stepping to a nurses’ station. Within moments, he had hospital security leading us out an emergency exit and to the cars without anyone seeing us. I ached to hold Beau’s hand in mine and tell him I loved him. Wait. Did I love him? It wasn’t the first time I’d thought the l-word, but it was the first time I’d wanted to express it to Beau. Was it too soon to say I loved him? I didn’t know, but I knew I wasn’t putting a timeline on my feelings. If I hadn’t been sure before, I was sure now. Being faced with a life without Beau had made me realize I loved him. “Here’s my car,” Natalie said. Heath would follow us in the band’s blacked-out Escalade. I sat, eyes straight ahead as Natalie turned the ignition on and pulled out of the parking garage. The emotional overload of the day caught up with me, and I began shuddering. Resting my head in my hands, I closed my eyes. “I love him, Natalie.” It felt good to say it out loud. “I know that sounds ridiculous . . .” “It doesn’t, because I already knew it. You’re the one, April.” “I’m so scared,” I said. “What if I lose him? What if I’m not enough for him?” “You are enough.” “What if he hates me now because I saw him . . .” Natalie nodded, understanding. “Just keep showing him you’re there, April. Through all of it. No matter how long it takes to get him back to being Beau. Don’t give up. He’s going to push you out over and over and over again. Are you strong enough to hold on?” “Am I strong enough to endure what he’s going through?” Natalie grimaced. “We have no idea how strong any of us can be until that’s our only choice. The question you have to ask yourself is, are you in this for the long haul? Beau’s had everyone in his life that was supposed to love him leave him, with the exception of the band and me. So if you aren’t able to handle this, it’s time to go now.” “I’m not leaving.” “I figured as much, but I wanted to give you the out now. You can’t fix him, April.” Natalie sounded like my parents. “You need to be there for him and support him, but he has to want to live. You can’t want

it more than him.” Tears filled my eyes. “When he went off that bridge . . .” Natalie let out a loud sob. “I can’t even . . .” “It was horrible. He wasn’t himself . . . he didn’t see me. I chased him for half a mile, begging him.” Tears dripped from Natalie’s eyes. “I’m sorry you had to see him like that.” I shook my head. “No. I’m sorry Beau had to feel that way. He was in so much pain, and I couldn’t figure out why. What are we going to do if he doesn’t come back to us, Nat?” “I’ve worried about that since he was a child. We don’t know. All we can do is see what happens when he wakes up.” Heaviness settled over us both as she headed to the one place we hoped we could get answers, from a troubled little boy who had been the last to see Beau.

“He hasn’t come out of his room since you left earlier,” Trent said. “The other kids said he is laying on his bed, curled up, and he won’t move. Are you sure this is a good idea, April?” I nodded. “I have to try, Trent. Whatever happened between the two of them was the trigger for Beau. I have to find out.” Natalie and Bex stood behind me at the door to the boys’ room. Johnny and Tanner hung out with the other kids, not wanting to overwhelm Robbie. Trent nodded. “Okay. I trust you, April. Let me know if you need me.” He walked away, leaving the three of us standing at the door. I took a deep breath. “We can do this. We can get through to Robbie and get him to help us.” I pushed the door open, and the three of us stepped in. There were no other kids in here, per our request. Robbie was huddled up on his bed, his arms around the enormous stuffed dog we’d gotten him. God, that seemed like a lifetime ago now. I’d give anything to go back to this afternoon. I’d never seen Beau more carefree, riding around that track with Robbie. And Robbie had laughed . . . actually laughed as Beau whipped the car around the track. I sat down on the edge of Robbie’s bed, fighting the tears that still threatened. Robbie looked up at me but said nothing. His eyes then scanned Bex and Natalie and then came back to me. “Hi Robbie.” My voice wavered even though I tried to stop it. “You like your dog, huh? Trent tells me you haven’t moved since Beau and I left earlier.” My voice broke, and I cleared my throat. “Are you okay?” Robbie’s big eyes blinked, but he said nothing. It wasn’t working. He wasn’t going to talk to me. I needed a new tactic. “Robbie, I need your help. Do you think you could help me?” His eyes widened, but he said nothing. His fingers moved, and I saw the picture he always had in his hand. For the first time, I could see what it was. It was worn and faded, but it was a little Robbie wrapped around what must’ve been his mother. She was beautiful, with dark hair and bright eyes. It was

too bad she’d chosen drugs over her child. I cleared my throat. “Beau is sick, Robbie. He’s in the hospital.” Robbie sat up, the dog falling to the side as his eyes met mine. That had gotten a reaction. “When my mom went to the hospital, she never came back,” he whispered. “We need you to help us make Beau feel better.” I was encouraged that he had spoken to me. “Can you tell me what happened when you brought Beau into your room earlier?” Robbie looked away and then down at the picture in his hand. “I showed him my room. I talked to him. He’s so nice. He just gets me. Th-then, I showed him my picture.” “And he got upset?” Robbie’s lip wobbled. “I-I thought he liked talking to me. He seemed like he was like me. B-but I made him upset. I don’t know what I did. I’m a bad boy. No one will ever love me.” I glanced at the picture, wondering what about it might’ve bothered Beau. Was it the image of Robbie with his mother? Did that remind Beau of all of the hateful things his mother had said to him? That didn’t seem to be enough to send him into a tailspin. “Robbie, Beau just got sick. You didn’t do anything wrong, but we need to try to help him feel better. Would you mind showing that picture to Natalie? She’s Beau’s sister and could maybe help figure it out.” “He told me how to focus on something to stop being upset, but I made him upset. I didn’t mean to, April.” “It’s not your fault, sweetie.” Robbie handed me the photo, and I handed it to Natalie. She ran her finger along the worn edges and the faded center. “Who is this?” “Me and my m-mom.” As he spoke, tears steadily dripped down Robbie’s cheeks. I wanted to take him into my arms, but I wasn’t sure how he would react to that. “What’s your mom’s name?” Natalie knew his mom had passed away, which was why he was now here. “Robyn,” he whispered. Natalie’s head snapped up, her eyes wide as her gaze vacillated between Robbie and the picture. Her eyes narrowed as she studied the faded image. “And your dad?” The child shook his head. “I don’t know. My mom said we were coming here to find him, but she never told me his name.” “You aren’t from here?” Natalie was on to something; I could tell. “We lived in Miami mostly.” “So your mom, Robyn, said you were coming here to find your dad.” Robbie nodded. I wanted to ask what was happening, but I was afraid. Bex didn’t seem to know, either, so we had to wait for Natalie to enlighten us. “And she never told you anything about him?” His lip wobbled again. “N-no. She’d never talk about him. Right before we came here, she told me I was going to meet him. Sh-she died before I could find out who he is. Now I’m stuck with a dad out there

somewhere that doesn’t know I’m alive.” Natalie blew out a breath and stood, pacing in front of the small bed. “Beau saw this picture?” “I showed him,” Robbie said. “It made him upset.” Natalie’s eyes turned back to me. She nodded, handing the photo back to Robbie. “Thank you for letting me see your picture, Robbie.” The boy took the picture from her. “What did I do?” “You didn’t do anything.” I reached out and touched his arm. He didn’t pull back, so I put my arm around his shoulders. “Beau doesn’t feel good right now, but we’re all going to make him feel better.” “He scared me.” Robbie broke his gaze from mine. “I liked him.” “Don’t be scared,” I said. “You know how sometimes people get upset and just have to take a break?” Robbie nodded his head. “I told Beau I get upset and can’t control what I do. He told me to try to focus on something else when I get like that. But then it happened to him, and I didn’t know what to tell him to focus on to feel better.” Bex gasped and turned to Natalie. She nodded once, and I wanted to scream. What did they know that I didn’t? What the hell happened? “Can I visit you tomorrow?” Natalie asked. “While Beau is sick, I’d like to spend time with you.” Robbie shrugged. “I don’t know if he’ll want to see me again.” Natalie covered her mouth for a moment. I saw her throat working and her eyes filled with tears. “Yes, he will, Robbie. We all will. Is that okay with you?” “Yes.” He grabbed his dog again and squeezed it. “Don’t worry, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong. Hey—do you like to draw?” I asked. “I love to draw.” “I’m going to have Trent give you some paper and crayons. Will you make get well cards for Beau? I know it’ll make him feel much better.” Natalie had her head turned, tears streaming down her face. Bex typed furiously on her phone; I assumed to Johnny in the other room. They knew whatever it was, and I needed to know. Right. Now. “Sure, April.” “We will see you tomorrow.” Natalie ruffled Robbie’s hair. “Hey—is your first name Robbie or is that a nickname?” “My name is Robbie. Robbie Oliver Jensen.” A small noise came from Natalie again, but she masked it with a cough. “That’s a great name. Thanks for talking to us. You’ve helped a lot.” With that, Natalie left the room quickly, Bex right on her heels. I followed until we reached the kitchen when Natalie abruptly stopped and turned back to us. “What is it?” I couldn’t wait one more second for them to tell me what was going on. “Robbie is Beau’s son,” Natalie said. I sucked in a breath at her words. He was what? “I can’t believe it.” They could’ve grown three heads, and I would’ve been less shocked. “What?”

Natalie nodded. “That picture of Robbie and his mom, that woman was Beau’s one and only . . . girlfriend. He looks just like him. I can’t believe I never realized this before now.” “How the . . . ?” My mind reeled with what she had said. Robbie was Beau’s son? How in the world had that happened? Well, I mean, I knew how it happened but . . . Oh, my God, that’s what Robyn was doing here. She came here to find Beau, to tell him about Robbie. But why had she been here, in Orlando, instead of his hometown? Had she come here because she knew where the band was playing and she thought she’d drop the bomb on him then? That didn’t make sense. None of this made sense. “This was definitely what sent him into a tailspin,” Natalie said. Bex nodded. My mouth opened and closed, but I couldn’t quite form any intelligible words. “He was adamant, ever since we were kids, that he wasn’t ever going to be a father,” Natalie explained. “W-why?” “Because of our family history with mental illness. He never wanted a child to have to deal with what he has had to deal with. I tried to talk him out of it for years, but he did it anyway.” “Talk him out of what?” I had no idea what they were talking about. She and Bex exchanged another look. “What? Tell me!” “He got a vasectomy years ago,” Natalie said. My head throbbed, and I reached up and rubbed my temples. “He did what?” “Let him tell you that.” Natalie reached for my hand. “I just wanted you to understand how mind blowing this is for him to find out. That’s how serious he was about not having children. So today, to find out that this little boy who’s had a rough childhood like him is his child, that Robyn kept it from him all these years . . .” “Plus Robbie told him he had trouble controlling himself,” I added. Bex nodded, wiping tears from under her eyes. “He’s wrecked.” “This is why he tried to end it,” I said. “He couldn’t deal with this.” Natalie sighed. “He’s going to need a lot of support to come around to this.” She stopped, trying but failing to keep the emotion from leaking from her eyes. “That’s our flesh and blood in there.” Natalie pointed to the bedrooms. “I can’t leave him here. He’s my nephew.” Bex wrapped her arms around Natalie and I followed. We stood in the kitchen, sobbing on each other’s shoulders. “I want custody of him,” Natalie said. “I’ll take care of him until Beau can. He can’t stay in foster care anymore.” “I’ll get an emergency hearing as soon as I can.” I stepped back and wiped my eyes. “We’ll need to do blood tests to confirm Beau is his father.” “I can’t believe this day.” Bex shook her head. “Is this the smartest thing to do right now? When Beau gets out, he’s going to need stability and understanding. Is having Robbie what’s best?” Natalie’s eyes flashed. “I cannot leave that boy here in this group home, where he feels no connection

to anyone. Like it or not, Robbie is part of this family now. Beau will handle it because we will all help him.” Johnny and Tanner stepped into the kitchen, and we filled them in on what we had learned. “We’ll take him if you can’t,” Johnny said to Natalie. “Just make it happen, April. Get him out of this house and into the hands of his family. Beau and Robbie need us equally now.”

Beau I BLINKED OPEN my eyes, my head pounding as the light hit my pupils. Where the hell was I, and what had happened to make my head pound? My throat was so dry. I licked my cracked lips, wondering how long I’d been sleeping. I turned my head, taking in the stark white walls and the absence of much of anything else. A nondescript television sat flat against the wall, and flimsy drapes barely contained the sunshine pouring through the window. I lifted my arms to rub where my head pounded when I realized I couldn’t move. My eyes snapped to my wrists, bound to the side of the bed. One of them was in a fucking cast. A cast? How the hell was I supposed to drum with a cast on my motherfucking hand? I tried to lift my feet and found the same problem. I was held down by restraints. What the fuck? You’re a fucking monster, just like him, the voices screamed in my head. This is what you deserve. To be locked up like the animal you are. What did you think, that you were going to have a psycho’s blood running through you and not become just like him? You deserve to die. I hate you. I can’t even stand looking at you. My chest heaved, and I pulled at the restraints. Hell no, I wasn’t being locked up like some fucking animal again. Flashes of me standing in the middle of the road popped into my memory. What the . . . ? What had I done? All of a sudden, I saw water rushing toward me and screams from behind me. April’s face filled my mind, and I groaned. What was the last thing I remembered? Riding go-karts with April . . . and Robbie. I furrowed my brow. Something was nagging me, a memory that wouldn’t quite come to the surface. Was it about April or Robbie? Holy fucking shit. How long had I been here? Where was everyone? I’d done something wrong, which is what got me into the psych ward of the hospital. I fought to remember, but only little bits and pieces came to me. I needed someone to give me answers, and right fucking now. I jerked at the restraints, wincing at the pain my body was in. When I couldn’t get free, I began shouting. Someone needed to tell me what I was doing here. Before long, the door swung open, and a doctor and nurse came in. “Finally,” I complained. The doctor walked up to the side of my bed, making notes on a chart. “What am I doing here?” The nurse and the doctor exchanged a knowing glance. “Why don’t you tell me what you remember.” I hated this fucking game. It was a shrink’s way of getting you to talk. “Stop the shit and tell me. How

long have I been here?” He flipped the chart closed. “You were brought in yesterday.” “What? I’ve been out of it for a whole day? What the hell? What happened to my hand? Can you take these damn restraints off me?” “Sorry, Beau, we can’t take them off yet. Now that you’re awake, though, we can start your therapy sessions.” “Therapy? I’ll see my shrink at home. I need to get the hell out of here. My sister will be wondering where I am.” Natalie. She would be sick with worry. “Your sister is here. She’s in the waiting room.” “What? Am I at home?” “You’re in Orlando,” the nurse answered. “Your sister has been here since right after they brought you in.” “What happened?” My anger dissipated. I was terrified of hearing the answer, but I needed to know. “We’ll let your sister know you’re awake, but you won’t be able to see her yet.” “Why not?” “I’m Dr. Viola, and I’m the attending psychiatrist. I and my colleague, Dr. Grant, will be conducting your therapy while you’re in our inpatient program. Once we feel you are stable enough to see your sister and your girlfriend, we will let you know.” Stable enough? I wasn’t stable? Well, no shit. That must be why I was bound to my bed. My girlfriend. My girlfriend? April was here? I closed my eyes. Oh, God. What had I done in front of her? What did she know? And after what she must know now, why was she still here? “My girlfriend is here?” Dr. Viola nodded. “She came in with you, from what I know.” “Fuck.” “I’ll be back.” He turned and walked out the door. For the second time in my life, I had been committed to a mental institution. This time, though, I didn’t remember what had gotten me here. I closed my eyes, searching my muddled brain for any information I could remember. Embarrassment flamed as I realized what Dr. Viola had said. April had been with me when I’d come in. My mind started the video reel of what I remembered. April and I were making love and deciding to try a relationship together. I came to Orlando to spend time with her and Robbie. At the thought of him, a nagging started in the back of my head again. Something had to do with him, but it wouldn’t come to me. We’d taken him to ride go karts. It had been my first time, and it had been more fun than I could’ve ever imagined, being there with him and April. We’d taken him back to the group home after that. She’d been so happy; her face had been radiant. I remembered admiring her beautiful skin as she drove, wondering how the hell I’d gotten so lucky to have a woman like April interested in me. Nothing else would come. “Goddammit!” I shouted to the empty room. I wasn’t allowed to see my

sister, and they wouldn’t fill in the blanks for me. I slammed my head into the pillow, feeling the sting of tears behind my eyes. A memory of my head hitting water caused me to still, waiting to see if more would come. When nothing came, I closed my eyes, hating myself. You’re a monster, Beau Oliver.

“If I remove these, you have to promise to be cooperative.” Dr. Viola hesitated at my restraints. “I will,” I said. It must’ve been hours since the last time I’d woken up because it was dark outside. What the hell kind of shit did they have me on that would make me sleep like that? Dr. Viola studied me for a second and then removed the restraints first from my feet, then moved up to my hands. I sat up and stretched, feeling much better already. A nurse stood silently at the foot of my bed, watching. “Your sister bought you clothes if you’d rather change out of that.” I glanced down at the white shirt and pants and groaned. Yeah. I seemed like the textbook case of crazy. “Yes. Thank you.” Dr. Viola handed me a pair of jeans and a Henley. “Go to the bathroom and leave the door open. I’ll be here waiting for you.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “I can’t even take a piss alone?” He shook his head at me. “No. Not yet.” What the hell did he think I was going to do in there? I sighed, not caring enough to argue, and went into the adjoining restroom. I changed, leaving my jeans unbuttoned since it was impossible to do the simplest things with a broken right hand, and I sure as hell wasn’t asking the doctor to button them. I splashed water on my face, which was also difficult to do with one hand. I sighed. This fucking sucks. Why had I been such a moron to break my hand? Lifting my gaze to the mirror, I noticed I had bruising on my face, and my short beard had grown out. I needed to trim that up before l looked like a lumberjack. “Can I get a razor?” I poked my head out of the bathroom to see Dr. Viola standing there watching me. “No, sorry. You can have it once you are discharged.” What? I couldn’t have a damn razor to shave? What the hell was their issue? All of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My eyes widened as my reflection came into view in the small mirror over the sink. Fucking hell. I’d tried to kill myself. I knew it just like I knew my name was Beau Anderson. I couldn’t remember how or why, but I knew it with every fiber of my being. What had April seen? A cold dread settled in my stomach at the thought. I needed to remember, and now. “I tried to kill myself, didn’t I?” I stepped out of the bathroom feeling much more like myself in my regular clothes. My hands shook while I waited for the confirmation. I’d never tried to commit suicide before. What did that mean for me? I was worsening. I was my father. She’d been right all along. Dr. Viola lifted his eyebrow and indicated for me to sit in the plush chair in the corner of the room. I

did, and he sat across from me in a matching chair. How cute, you get locked up in a mental ward and get cushy chairs to talk to your psych in. The nurse exited the room at Dr. Viola’s indication. I guess he’d decided I wasn’t that dangerous after all. Just to myself, seemingly. “Why do you think that?” “Just put some things together. Why I was bound to my bed and then why you wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom by myself or have a razor. You think I’m a threat to myself.” He tapped his pen against his pad of paper. “You don’t remember why you’re here?” “I have a few memories. I know I was with my girlfriend and a foster child. We had gone to a small amusement park and rode on go-karts. After that, everything gets fuzzy.” I realized I was talking a whole hell of a lot, way more than I ever would on a regular day. They must have me on some good shit. “What meds am I on?” Dr. Viola paused and opened his chart. “We have you on a combination of quite a few things, Beau. We had you on a heavy dose of sedatives to let your brain and body rest. We have you on several antidepressants and mood stabilizers. We will adjust and change as needed while you’re here and after.” I nodded. What could I say to that? I hated every pill that had to work to keep my head straight, but learned long ago they were necessary evils. “You have a history of this sort of thing, right?” “What does ‘this sort of thing’ mean? I don’t remember what happened.” “I got notes from your regular psychiatrist today. You’ve had episodes similar to these your entire life, right? Onset was about eight years old? She sent me your formal diagnosis.” My ‘formal diagnosis.’ I hated those fucking words. The words that told everyone I was nothing but a fuck up of epic proportions. If he knew so much about me, why was he asking? “Yes. Though I usually remember them, like I’m floating above myself while it happens.” “And you remember nothing this time?” I closed my eyes, fighting to remember what I’d thought of earlier today when I’d woken the first time. “I remember standing in traffic, and then I have the sensation of falling while looking at my girlfriend’s face. And I remember something about water. But nothing else.” Dr. Viola wrote on his pad. “That’s a good start. Tell me about your girlfriend.” “We haven’t been together long. I don’t know what she saw, so who knows if she’ll want to be with me anymore.” “She’s been here around the clock with your sisters.” Sisters. That meant the whole band was here. And that despite whatever she saw, she cared. “The band is here?” He nodded. “You have a lot of people who care about you.” “What did I do?” “I want you to try to remember, Beau. If I tell you, your mind may not be ready for you to handle it and it might set you back. We don’t want that to happen.” “Am I . . . in trouble with the law?”

“I don’t think so. I haven’t heard anything from the police that you are. Let’s go back to what you remember doing the day you ended up here.” “I remember driving in the car on the way back to take Robbie to the group home. I was so happy; it had been a great day. There aren’t many days I feel like that. I’m almost always trying to battle my head. Until April, drumming had been the only thing that kept me sane.” “So she helps you.” “I feel like a different person around her.” “So what about Robbie?” “I met him a month or so ago when Jaded Regret came here to do a promotion for foster care. He was new to the group home and kind of freaked out. I . . . figured out a way to get to him.” “How did you do that?” A flash of Robbie and I sitting on his bed came into my mind. I closed my eyes, willing it to come closer so I could remember. Dr. Viola was quiet, waiting for me to remember. Robbie had been clutching the stuffed dog we got him and holding a square piece of paper out to me. My eyes flew open as the vision of what was on the square paper burned in my memory. I clenched my good fist, and my chest heaved. Dr. Viola sat up straighter at my body language. “What is it, Beau?” My mind raced to try to understand what I was seeing. The faded, worn picture showed a young Robbie . . . and Robyn? “Was your mom’s name Robyn?” “Yes! How did you know that?” He wasn’t. There was no way. It wasn’t possible. My mind was playing tricks on me. I didn’t remember something correctly. My insane brain was conjuring shit up. “Talk to me,” Dr. Viola said. “What are you remembering?” “I don’t know if it’s right.” I clenched my teeth at the memory. “I was talking to Robbie, and he showed me the picture he always carried. It was a picture of him and his mom. But his mom was . . . Robyn.” “Who is Robyn?” “The first girl I ever slept with.” My eyes met his, and my heart started pounding. Yes. That’s what it had been. Saying the words had solidified it in my mind. “Robbie is my son, and she never told me. He’s been in foster care most of his life.” He nodded like he already knew this. Of course he did. April probably told him the whole thing. Where had she been, though? She hadn’t been in the room. Unless Robbie told her afterward. My head pounded. “I can’t have a child.” “Do you know he’s yours?” “He . . . has issues like me. He told me he gets upset and can’t control it. I was just a little younger than him when my episodes started. He looks like me, too. I never saw the resemblance before then, but he does.”

“So what happened after that?” I heard his words, but my mind was racing. I expected the voices to begin like they already did, but they were eerily silent. “Beau, slow your mind down. Concentrate and push the rest aside.” I closed my eyes, remembering the feeling of losing control after I realized Robbie was my son. I heard the honking of horns and the bright sunlight radiating on me as I stood in the middle of the road. April was screaming to get my attention, begging and crying for me to stop. My heart clenched. Oh, God. “I went out of the house and ran into the road. I wanted to die. I wanted my poison to end. April followed me. She was yelling and begging me to stop. I couldn’t hear her words. I had no idea what she was doing or even who she was, until now. Now I can see it all clearly like I’m watching a movie of someone else’s life.” I tapped my fingers against each other as my memory fought to form the rest. “Then I remember running. I saw a bridge nearby, and my feet propelled me there. I was no longer thinking about anything but stopping what was in my head. I remember turning and seeing April, but I didn’t register her. I wanted to be free of everything.” “So what did you do?” I closed my eyes, feeling the wind against my face as I stood at the edge of the bridge. I leaned backward and fell, the last thing I saw April’s wide eyes and open mouth as I went over. “I jumped.” “You tried to commit suicide.” “I decided to end the poison that I am like I should’ve years ago.”

I wanted to see my sister. I had to see her. I was going fucking crazy in here. And wasn’t that ironic since I was mental to begin with, that was why I was in this place. I’d been meeting with Dr. Viola or his partner, Dr. Grant, at least once a day for four days now. On top of that, at first, I was required to do group therapy with a few other patients and share personal shit with each other. However, after the first day when one of the patients in the group recognized me, that had been nixed. So I stared at the four walls of this goddamn room too many hours to count. I’d taken to recording my thoughts, writing music and my thoughts about my sessions on an old school recorder they’d given me since I couldn’t write. Both doctors were happy with that, yet never asked to hear it. I found it helped me work through the rampant thoughts that were always running through my head. I planned on burning the thing as soon as I could write down the music I’d written. I never wanted anyone to hear the thoughts in my head; hell, I didn’t want to hear them. I wondered what had gotten out about what I had done. After all, I had made a complete and utter fool of myself for anyone to take video or pictures of. I’m sure I was the laughing stock of the rock community. I wondered if we’d have a band left after this. What record company wanted a wacko who’d tried to kill himself? But Jaded Regret could salvage their name if they replaced me. Many talented drummers would kill for that spot . . .

After four days of talking to these doctors and trying to analyze what I was going to do and what help I needed, I wasn’t any closer to understanding how I could attempt to take my life with little recollection of it. My memories of it were like I was a bystander watching it happen, not like I was doing it myself. I still felt like I was better off not being here, but I wasn’t going to hang myself from the rafters or anything. Whatever cocktail of shit they had me on was good, because not only had I heard no voices, I hadn’t even flipped while talking about Robbie. My son. I had a child. I’d consented for a blood draw a few days ago, but the results didn’t need to come in for me to know he was mine. Robyn had gotten pregnant since my dumb ass hadn’t thought of protection. She had never told me. My son had lived a childhood much like mine—feeling unloved, unwanted, and suffering within his head. What would I have done if she would’ve come to me years ago? Would Robbie’s life had been different? She’d died from a drug overdose and left her child. She and I weren’t that different. She’d been unable to deal with life, just like me. I couldn’t be a father. I wasn’t supposed to be on this earth, much less have someone else with my DNA. I’d never be what he deserved as a parent. What the hell did I know about being a father? My father had bowed out of life when I was five and Natalie was seven. So what was the alternative? I couldn’t leave Robbie in foster care and hope he had a good life. The thought of that had killed me before knowing he was mine. Now? There was no way I was okay with choosing to let my son live without me. I’d done a lot of thinking while staring at these four walls, and I’d decided I couldn’t pursue anything with April. I needed to get my head right and figure out what to do with Robbie. As much as it broke my heart, I couldn’t ask her to not only take on my problems but the problems of my son, too. I had to get better first so I could get out of here. They were saying possibly another week or two of intensive therapy, then biweekly outside therapy once I got home. Dr. Viola had said I could see Natalie today. I looked up at the clock and tapped my fingers on my legs. My casted hand made my tapping awkward, but thankfully I hadn’t done any serious damage that would keep me from drumming for longer than it would take to get this cast off. Several more weeks of this torture and I’d be good as new. God, I needed to play. That was our next negotiation. Drumming was as much of a part of me as breathing, and I felt suffocated without it. The door swung open, and Dr. Viola stood there with Natalie beside him. Her face was etched with worry, dark circles pronounced on her pale face. Stressing her out seemed to be the main thing I did in life. I stood and crossed the room quickly, wrapping my arms around her without a second of hesitation. My clunky cast made it awkward to hold on to her, but I did it anyway. “Beau.” She breathed into my chest, her body shaking with the tears I knew she would shed. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t worth her tears, but I knew she’d be mad if I said that. “Oh, my God. I’m so glad you’re okay.” She stepped back and examined me. “You look better.” I didn’t say that she hadn’t seen me messed up because she’d seen me in the throes of pain many times. Dr. Viola shut the door behind him and stepped around us, moving to the chair to set up for our session. Part of seeing Natalie today was that she was going to be included in our session. “I’m okay.” I gripped one of her hands in mine, trying to reassure her. “I’m sorry, Nat.”

She shook her head. “Don’t say sorry to me. Promise me you’ll get the help you need and work through it, so it doesn’t happen again. You scared the shit out of all of us.” I nodded. “I am. I will.” April’s gorgeous face appeared in my head. My heart clenched at the thought of her seeing me in that state. “How’s April?” I knew I was going to have to break her heart as soon as I was allowed out of here, but that didn’t stop me from caring how she was doing. Natalie walked over and sat in the chair across from Dr. Viola. “She’s scared. Worried about you, and misses you, Beau. That woman cares about you so much . . .” “I can only image what she thinks of me now,” I whispered. “I’m toxic to her. She deserves better.” “No,” Natalie said. “Don’t start that. We all love you, Beau. Bex, Johnny, Tanner, we’ve all been staying here in Orlando and will until you’re released and we can go home. You aren’t alone. You’ll never be alone.” Dr. Viola cleared his throat, making us both turn our attention to him. “Beau, Natalie has some news for you. Are you ready to hear it?” Natalie wrung her hands in her lap. “What is it, Nat?” She looked at Dr. Viola for reassurance and then back to me. “I got custody of Robbie. I’m picking him up today.” My mouth dropped open. She did what? The breath whooshed from my lungs as I fought for control. “Beau, focus on breathing and thinking about what you want to ask or say. Don’t shut down.” I took in a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly. My heart pounded in my ears, and my fingers tapped on my legs. I needed to play. Needed. “Why did you do that?” I asked finally. Natalie narrowed her eyes at me. “What? You want your son to stay in foster care?” No, of course I didn’t want him to remain in foster care. It was a bad place for a child to grow up. But . . . what? What did I want? “N-no. I just . . .” “That’s my nephew. April had a friend accelerate the DNA test to prove Robbie is yours, and we went in front of a judge. I got temporary custody of him as his aunt until you can get yourself right and take him out of the system entirely.” I stared at her, my mind reeling. She had custody of Robbie until I got myself together. What if I could never do that? “Beau, tell us what you’re thinking,” Dr. Viola said. “I don’t know if I can be a parent. I never wanted this.” “You didn’t choose this, but it chose you. So you have a choice, Beau. Yes, it is yours to make. Your sister got custody of Robbie, but it’s temporary. If you can’t take him, then he’ll go back into foster care.” “NO!” I stood, the fist of my one good hand clenched. “He cannot grow up like I did.” Dr. Viola tapped his pen on his notepad, waiting for me to come to my own conclusions. If I didn’t want him to grow up in foster care, I had to take responsibility for him. Robbie needed me. I was the only one who could understand what he was going through and how best to help him from this point forward. I relaxed my fist and began pacing the room, Natalie and Dr. Viola watching me. I never wanted to be

in this place, but here I was anyway. I had a girlfriend I couldn’t be with and a son I didn’t deserve. I stopped in front of Natalie. “He’s my son.” Her weary eyes met mine. “Yes, he is.” “Does he know?” “No,” Natalie said. “I’m not sure what to tell him. I’m going with April later to pick him up. I’m staying at April’s house so she’ll be there to help me, but I feel like we should tell him something.” “I think his father should be there when he’s told.” Dr. Viola voiced his opinion. Natalie nodded, obviously in agreement. I needed to be there? What if he didn’t want me to be his father? After all, I’d freaked out in front of him. God, what if he knew I tried to kill myself? What did that teach him? “I need to get out of here,” I said. I remembered being nine years old and confused. While I hadn’t been in foster care then, it would’ve been better if I had been. At least then the verbal abuse my mother subjected me to daily would’ve made less of an impact. “Not yet.” Dr. Viola shook his head. “Come on! You have me on a ton of meds. I’ll come and do visits daily if you want me to. I need to take care of my . . .” “Your son.” Natalie reached out and touched my fingers. “Your beautiful, amazing child.” “A few more days, at the least,” he said. “I’m not comfortable with releasing you yet. You’re making good progress, but what happened was severe, Beau.” “I know it was.” “You still don’t remember all the details,” he continued. “I remember enough to know I freaked my girlfriend the hell out and tried to kill myself. Yet, I’m still standing here.” “April wants to see you. She’s dying, Beau. I swear she’s lost ten pounds in the last few days, and she doesn’t have it to lose. I don’t think she’s sleeping.” Natalie looked at Dr. Viola. “Can we make an exception and let her see him? Please?” “No.” My heart broke as the words left my lips. Natalie’s eyes snapped to mine, confusion written on her face. “She doesn’t need to see me.” “Beau.” Her tone was stern. Dr. Viola was quiet, listening. “Natalie, I don’t deserve her. Tell her to go home. She might think she cares about me now, but she can move on. She needs to move on. She will find someone who is whole and doesn’t have the baggage of mental issues and a child he never knew about . . .” “Beau.” Natalie stood, crossing her arms in front of her chest. I knew that look, but she wasn’t going to convince me this time. “Stop it. April . . . loves you.” I gasped. There was no way. April didn’t love me. Not after what I did. She couldn’t. “Don’t say that, Natalie.” “She does, Beau. She’d probably kill me for saying that because this is not how it’s supposed to go, but you need to get your head out of your ass. Don’t push her away because you think you don’t deserve this. You deserve it more than anyone I know. Your whole life, you’ve been waiting for someone to

validate you and make you feel like you were worthy. April does that for you. You are a different person around her, Beau, and you know it.” She stopped, wiping a tear from her eye as she glanced over at Dr. Viola. “Help me.” Dr. Viola cleared his throat. “Why do you want April to go, Beau? Is it because you don’t care for her and don’t want to be with her?” I closed my eyes, thinking about the time I’d spent with April. I remembered the first night we met and me being so intimidated and tongue-tied, all the way to the other day when we’d hugged, kissed, and made love like we were meant for each other. The way she looked at me . . . it was like nothing I’d ever felt before. But then Robbie’s face took her place, and I saw him, throwing chairs and screaming. I saw his sad face while he clutched the picture of his mother and then his happy face while we’d been driving go-karts. I’d never been more confused in my life. “I care about her, but that doesn’t mean I should be with her.” “Don’t you think you should let her make that decision?” Dr. Viola asked. Natalie nodded. Of course she agreed with him. “You’re scared, Beau. That’s understandable. Before April, you had your life contained in this little box you could control. Once you met her, your life was turned upside down, and the contents of your box were spilled, but you liked it. You started to think maybe you could open yourself up to someone again. But now Robbie has smashed your comfort into smithereens, and you think the only way to put it back together again is to stuff yourself back inside the box where you started.” I stared at Dr. Viola, hating that the damn shrink was right. Every fucking word he said was true, and it made me want to scream. “Let’s let him rest,” he said to Natalie. “You can come back later.” “Can I bring April?” Dr. Viola sat quietly for a moment. “Only if Beau says he wants her here.” They both looked at me. My heart screamed and jumped up and down, begging them to bring her to me. But my brain refused to let my mouth open and say the words. No matter what they said or how right Dr. Viola was, I knew she was better off without me.

April I SAW NATALIE coming down the long hallway, and I couldn’t wait to see what had happened. It was the first any of us had gotten to see Beau, and I wanted to know everything. My fingers itched to run through his short hair and my lips tingled at the thought of his warm kiss. I needed him. I wanted him. I missed him with every fiber of my being. “How did it go?” Natalie smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “He looks good. He’s in a better place.” “Did you tell him about Robbie?” She nodded. “Yes.” “And how did he take it?” “He already knew, so it was confirming it. He didn’t take it so well that I got custody of him, though.” Just as I figured. “Is he okay?” “Yes. He’s torn. He doesn’t want Robbie in foster care, but also doesn’t think he can be a father.” “He’ll be a great father,” I said. Just seeing Beau with Robbie at the amusement park had solidified that. “Yes, he will, but he doesn’t see it that way. All he sees is that he is messed up and has no business raising a child. All he remembers is how we were ‘parented.’ He doesn’t think he knows how to love.” My body tingled at the memory of his lovemaking. “I disagree with that.” “I do, too. We were trying to make him see how great this could be, but he can’t see past what he thinks of himself. What I didn’t tell him was that even if he could never be Robbie’s full-time dad, I would take him. He’s my nephew, and he deserves to know he’s loved by his family. Beau wanted to get out, but his doctor won’t release him yet. He said at least a few more days.” “Can I see him?” Natalie sighed. “Not yet.” Why did I have the feeling she wasn’t telling me the whole truth? “Nat. Why not?” She refused to make eye contact, and I knew she was trying to come up with a lie to tell me. The truth crashed on top of me like a ton of bricks. “He doesn’t want to see me, does he?” Sadness clouded her eyes. “He’ll come around, April. He’s just . . . embarrassed and in pain.” Tears welled in my eyes. Beau didn’t want to see me. I looked down the hall, the urge to sprint past the nurses and doctors who kept the patients from us and find him so strong I physically had to force

myself not to do it. If I could see him face to face, I could show him I didn’t think less of him. If anything, I loved him more for fighting through it. But he didn’t want me. I wasn’t enough for him. Seeing me would remind him of what he’d attempted to do, and maybe he couldn’t deal with that. Now I’d become the poison in his life. “Don’t.” Natalie steered me so we walked next to each other down the hallway toward the exit. “My brother cares about you. I know it. I see it. He thinks he’s doing the right thing, but he’s not. He’ll figure it out. Just give him some time.” I didn’t believe a word she said. All time would do is make his resolve that we didn’t belong together stronger.

I didn’t say a word as I drove Natalie to the group home. Trent was supposed to prepare Robbie somewhat for my arrival though he wasn’t going to tell him anything about where and who he was going with. I had no plans of either one of us telling Robbie who Beau was to him. That was something Beau needed to do when it was time. I had to admit, I’d teared up at the emergency hearing I’d been able to get with my favorite judge. He knew me well, and I liked and respected him. When I’d told him we’d found the child’s father and aunt and had a confirmed paternity test to prove it, my throat had closed up so tight I’d had to stop speaking. That’s when his kind eyes had turned to me, and a big smile had gone across his face. “April,” he’d said, “This is one of the good times. We’ve seen so much together, you and I, but this time, it’s good. A kid gets to go home. I’m granting temporary custody to Natalie Anderson, the child’s paternal aunt. We’ll have another hearing to determine final custody once the father is available.” He knew what Beau’s story was, but it wouldn’t stop him from giving Robbie to him once he was cleared by his doctors. “April.” Natalie stopped as we reached the door to the group home. “Thank you for helping me with this. Robbie will probably have a lot of questions. I appreciate everything.” Natalie and Robbie were going to stay with me until we figured out what was going to happen with Beau. I nodded, not trusting my voice. I needed advice. My head was all messed up from this week’s events and Beau’s refusal to see me. Maybe I needed to talk to a psychologist, too. I opened the door and walked into the house, hoping to avoid Natalie seeing how upset I was. I’d never felt so raw and broken in my entire life. I left Natalie in the living room with Trent and the rest of the counselors and made my way to the bedroom where Robbie was. He knew he was going somewhere, according to Trent, just not where. When I opened the door, his eyes met mine and he smiled. “April!” Since I’d been visiting him every day this week, he’d opened up to me. Hopefully, that wouldn’t change with what I was going to tell him now. “Hey, Robbie. So you know how you’re going to a new home?”

His eyes dropped. “Yeah.” He kicked the toe of his shoe against the rail of the bed. “I’m scared.” I crouched next to him, so he lifted his eyes. “You don’t have to be scared, Robbie. You know why?” His big eyes widened. “Why?” “Because you’re coming to my house.” His mouth opened in a little o. “Your house?” I nodded. “With me and Natalie.” “Natalie? Will Beau be there?” God, I couldn’t wait until Robbie knew the truth. “He’s still in the hospital, buddy.” “He’s still sick? Can I see him? Is he going to die?” His little lip wavered, and tears shone in his eyes. I thought of Beau, standing on the edge of the bridge looking at me, his eyes dead inside as he went over the side. As long as I lived, I’d never forget that. “He can’t have visitors right now, but he’s doing okay. He should be out soon, and then you can see him.” Robbie smiled. “Why do I get to live with you? Are you going to adopt me?” Hope shone in his adorable brown eyes. “Natalie and I are going to take care of you for right now because we both think you’re an awesome kid.” Please don’t ask me any more questions. I can’t break your heart, and I can’t tell you about Beau. He stared at me for so long I wondered if he saw right through my charade. But when he smiled and grabbed his bag, relief spread through me. “Awesome. Can we go now? Do I get my own room?” I thought of the room Natalie and I had set up, mostly blue with some red accents. We figured we’d let him tell us what else he wanted in there. “You sure do, buddy.” Robbie ran ahead, spotting Natalie. She smiled at him and then at me. I nodded my head, and she took his hand, leading us out of the group home. If I had anything to do with it at all, this would be the last time Robbie saw the walls of any foster home.

“I need your help,” I said, watching the blades of the ceiling fan rotate. It was time for me to ask for assistance. I hadn’t been able to sleep a wink in over a week, replaying that day over and over again in my exhausted mind. And now that Robbie was in the house, I was a nervous wreck making sure he was okay. Robbie had been here three days, and he was adjusting well. He was coming out of his shell. The band had taken him to that music store that was closing and he’d gotten to play guitar with Johnny and sing with him and Bex. He’d tried out banging on some drums they had there. They’d said he had natural talent. Imagine that. Natalie had been stuck to him like glue, and while he didn’t understand it, he had accepted it. We hadn’t seen any signs of mental distress, but I still couldn’t relax. I needed Beau to get out of that

place so we could make things right, and so we could tell Robbie what he was doing with us. He asked about Beau daily, but, of course, we didn’t get into why he wasn’t back yet. Robbie was smart and had been through a lot, though, and I had a feeling he knew we weren’t being entirely truthful. “What’s the matter?” My dad’s voice was immediately concerned, and I guess he had reason to be. I hadn’t told him or my mom a single thing that was going on with me, and there was a lot to tell. I took a deep breath. “It’s been a terrible week.” “April, you don’t sound okay at all. What’s going on? Is it work?” I hadn’t worked since all of this happened, with the exception of the emergency hearing for Robbie. Who knew if I’d still have a job after all this, but I couldn’t worry about that right now. “No. It’s not. It’s about Beau.” “Are you home?” “Yes.” “Your mom and I are coming over. We will be there in fifteen minutes.” I was never so glad that my dad was off today. I paced the living room while I waited, glad that Natalie and Robbie were out. They’d hired a tutor to assess where Robbie was at in school, so she had taken him there. My stomach was in knots, and I knew I looked like hell. My pants hung on me; my hair was in a messy ponytail, and I had no makeup on. Yet, I couldn’t make myself care. When I heard their car pull in, I opened the front door. I felt like I could collapse at any moment, and I didn’t know why I waited so long to ask them for help. My mom walked up to the front porch first and stopped when she had a chance to inspect me. “April.” She wrapped her arms around me. “Honey, what is the matter?” I broke down, sobbing on her shoulder as the weight of the past week fell around me. There was something about being in your mom’s arms that made everything better, even if it wasn’t. But then I realized that wasn’t true with Beau and his mother, and it made me sob harder. My parents guided me into the house and sat on either side of me on the couch, both of them waiting patiently as I gathered myself. My dad held one of my hands while my mom caressed my back. I could see them looking at each other over my head, and I knew I was scaring them. “You said this was about Beau,” my dad said after a few minutes. I sniffled. “Yes. Dad, I’m sorry. I should’ve asked for your help a long time ago.” “Sweetie, we’re here now. What happened, and what can we do to make it better?” I took a deep breath and started with us deciding to try a relationship, Beau coming to Orlando and us seeing Robbie. They nodded their heads and listened intently. My voice broke as I got to Robbie talking to Beau in his room that day. I fought through it, needing to get it out. When I explained what had happened after Beau ran out of the house, my mom gasped, and my dad’s hand tightened in mine. “He’s in the hospital.” My dad nodded. “Who are his doctors?” “Dr. Viola and Dr. Grant.” “Great doctors. He’s in the best hands. Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry you had to witness that. You’ve been

there with him all this time? Why didn’t you call me?” Guilt assuaged me. Because I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to think Beau wasn’t the guy for me. “I guess you haven’t seen the news this week, huh?” Jaded Regret, despite trying to contain it, had been quite the buzz this week while people tried to figure out what had happened with their drummer. While no one had any concrete proof, the rumor mill was rampant. Heath had brought in a few more guys while they were still in Orlando to keep the press and rabid fans away from them. Bex, Johnny, and Tanner already had to move hotels twice. Thankfully, they had no shows planned anytime soon, so they could lie low and try to ride out the paparazzi wave. “I’ve clocked over a hundred hours this week,” Dad said. “I’ve been traveling around to other hospitals, giving classes on a new technique in brain surgery. But I still would’ve been there for you, April. I’ll always be there for you.” He peered over at my mom. “I guess you didn’t see anything about this, either.” She shook her head, tears running down her face. “Why didn’t you tell us, April? You’ve seen something terrible happen to someone you care about, and you need to talk to someone.” “I’m sorry. I was . . . afraid you’d judge him.” They both shook their heads at me, like I should’ve known better. I guess I should’ve. “That’s not all.” My mom’s eyes widened. “What started this whole thing was he found out that little boy we’ve been visiting? Robbie? He’s his son.” It took me a few minutes to explain why that was such a devastation for Beau and that Robbie was now here with Natalie and me, but when I finished talking, neither of my parents had dry eyes. My dad patted his eyes with a tissue, handing my mom one as well. “What do you want to do, April?” “I want him to talk to me, Dad, but he doesn’t think he’s good for me. He won’t let me see him in the hospital. I want to be with him. I want it all.” “Are you sure you can get past what you saw, April? That’s hard to unsee.” My mom was right, and I knew the image of him falling would be seared in my brain for a long time. But that did nothing to the feelings I had for Beau. If anything, it made them stronger. I wanted more than anything to make him feel the love I had for him—the love he was worthy of even if he didn’t believe it. “I love him. The rest of it I can work through.” She nodded, her eyes meeting my dad’s. A knowing look passed between them, and I knew they were thinking about when he’d saved her from the life she’d led. “I have an idea,” Dad said. “But first, you need to eat some food, and I’m going to get you an appointment to talk to Buddy. Before you’re going to be any good to Beau or his son, you need to work through this.” Buddy was my dad’s best friend, and I’d called him Uncle Buddy my entire life. He was also the most sought after psychiatrist in our area.

Beau THEY SAID I could get out of here today if I promised to stay in the area for another week and come to daily therapy sessions. I’d said anything I could to convince them to let me out of here. I’d seriously go out of my mind if I didn’t see the sunshine, my band, my sister, and a set of drums soon. I was as ready as I was going to get to confront the hard things in my life: Robbie and April. My stomach clenched as I thought of Robbie. I knew Natalie hadn’t told him why she had him at April’s house. I was going to have to tackle that. Dr. Viola, Dr. Grant, and I had been working on that for the last several days, and I knew what I had to do. That didn’t mean I felt confident or assured of raising a child, but I knew it was what my job had to be now. Robbie didn’t ask to be born or left by a mom who chose drugs over him. I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the person who chose myself and my insecurities over him, either. What was it going to be like to see April again? She had my son at her house which meant I’d be staying there, too, so facing her was inevitable. My fingers itched to touch her smooth skin, and my body had woken up aroused more times than not over the last week after dreaming of sinking into her warmth. But I held fast to the opinion she could do better than me. I wasn’t sure what would happen once I saw her in front of me, though. I’m sure I’d hurt her by not allowing her to see me while I was in the hospital. It was bad enough she had to witness me attempting to kill myself; she didn’t deserve to be saddled with me while I figured out where my life went from here. But I ached for her in every way possible. The door opened, and I turned, expecting it to be Dr. Grant with my release papers or Natalie. Instead, I came face to face with Dr. Knight, April’s father. I stopped short, my feet squeaking on the linoleum as we had a silent conversation. “Beau,” Dr. Knight said, shutting the door behind him. “You’re looking well, son.” I appeared to be a lumberjack who had lost his flannel shirt. I needed a razor and STAT. Not to mention a good meal and a nice hot shower. Oh, and maybe about three days of sleep. He reached his hand out, and I shook it with my good hand, my mind racing a thousand miles an hour. What was he doing here? What did he know? “Dr. Knight. How did you know I was here?” Might as well get right to the point. “Let’s sit.” He indicated the chairs where I’d spent way too many hours already talking. I’d talked more in the last week than I had my entire life. Even Dr. Mia had gotten involved, being part of a few of

my therapy sessions via Skype. I obeyed, afraid not to for fear the man might kill me. “April came to me a few days ago. I’ve never seen her so upset. She looked like she hadn’t eaten in a week, or slept for that matter.” My gut clenched. I had done that to her. If there was ever a moment I was sure letting her go was the right thing to do, it was right now. “Sir, I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again.” “Beau, if there are a few things I understand, it’s that sometimes life gives you curveballs you can’t anticipate. You know the story of how I met my wife, right?” I nodded. “And you also know that my oldest daughter, Lucia, died of a brain tumor at the age of four.” I nodded again, not trusting my voice. “I didn’t anticipate falling in love with Sophie. I had no control over it whatsoever. If I had to guess, that’s what happened with you and April.” He paused, and I thought about what he said. Did I love her? Did I even know what love meant? I wasn’t sure. “Dr. Knight.” He held up his hand, effectively silencing me. “Let me finish. You didn’t anticipate falling in love. It wasn’t part of your plan. You shut yourself off from trying to connect with people because of what happened to you as a child and the difficulties you’ve had since then. You didn’t think anyone would understand you, much less want to support you through it. But then you met April. You saw there was something about her, and she made you feel like a man again. You fell for her, and you fell hard. That was a big enough step in itself, and one you still haven’t entirely admitted. But then you found out you have a son you never knew about, and he’s had a rough life. He suffers like you do. You couldn’t cope. You had no tools left to use to dig yourself out of that hole, so you gave up instead. You shut down and tried to end your life. Now, you find yourself at a crossroads. You have a son you need to take responsibility for, but you don’t think you’re capable of doing so. You have a woman who loves you, but you don’t think she should because you think you’ve hurt her beyond repair. You think you’re both better off without each other, since you don’t know how to manage yourself, much less this new child who doesn’t know you’re his dad and this woman who witnessed you at the lowest point of your life. How am I doing so far?” How was he doing? He should’ve been a goddamn shrink because he was spot on and then some. “You’re doing fucking fantastic.” I felt a laugh bubble up into my chest, but I squashed it. What the hell was so funny? “I met Sophie at the lowest point of her life, too,” he continued. “She didn’t think she was good enough for me and that her issues would only take me down with her. It took me a long time to convince her I wasn’t in our relationship to take care of her, but I was in it to love her more than she ever thought possible. Still to this day, Beau, I look at that woman and know I didn’t save her. She saved me. She loved me even when I didn’t feel lovable. She believed in me when I wanted to give up. After we lost Lucia, I was worried I’d lose Sophie. We were still so young, and I thought of Sophie as fragile. But I was wrong . . . so damn wrong. Sophie was my lifeline when I wanted to give up. If I couldn’t save my child, how could I save anyone else’s? April’s a strong girl. She’ll make it if you decide you don’t want to be with her anymore. But maybe, just maybe, it’s not you who needs her. It could be that she needs you

just as much.” I wanted to clam up and shut down, which was my M.O. But I knew Dr. Knight deserved better than that. April deserved better. He’d come here to talk to me, and I needed to respect that. “You’re right. April has gotten to me, and I’m not sure how to handle that. I’ve shut people out for so long; it feels foreign to let someone in. When I look at her, I see perfection. I know that’s not true, that none of us are perfect, but she’s damn near close to it as far as I’m concerned. Then I think about myself, and I know I’m a broken man with more issues than anyone should ever have to deal with. Now, on top of that, I have a child I never knew about. I don’t know how to do any of this. I keep picturing April giving up everything for me and years down the road being unhappy that she did that.” “Let me tell you something about April,” Dr. Knight said. “She doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do. I admit, I pushed her more than I should’ve when she was a teenager. I wanted her to go into medicine. She kept telling me no. I should’ve known where her heart was since she spent her entire childhood with my wife, working her heart out for those kids. But because she wanted to make me happy, she went to medical school. You know how long that lasted before she—very politely I might add—told me to go stuff it? One year. She was miserable and realized that wasn’t for her. Ever since then, I’ve learned to listen to my girl. She knows what she wants, and she goes after it. Then once she has it, she does it to the best of her ability and never looks back. So when she told me she . . . cared about you, I never doubted for one second that she’d do whatever it took to get what she wanted.” I opened and closed my mouth, a response failing to compute. “So stop thinking you’re going to hold her back or that you aren’t enough for her. If my girl says you’re enough, you are. Don’t let your insecurities cloud what could be the best thing ever to happen to you. Yeah, you have a son now. Nothing about that scares April.” “It should, though. I know how hard I was to deal with as a child, and even now as an adult. I don’t understand a lot of what I feel or why I feel it. I—” “That makes you the best person to deal with this.” He interrupted me. “You remember what it’s like to be a child who ached to be understood in a world that was judgmental and harsh. You’re the perfect person to be a father to Robbie. April isn’t afraid of you, Beau, and she’s not afraid to help you with Robbie.” “But I don’t want her to think she has to be an instant mom or something because I’m incompetent as a father.” Might as well put every single insecurity out there; what did I have to lose? Dr. Knight smiled. “Are you finished making excuses? I know you’re a bigger man than that. When you look at April, what do you see?” Excuses? They weren’t excuses. They were valid reasons why I didn’t want to saddle April with both of us. Even if it would leave me alone and empty. What did I see? I saw the most beautiful, most amazing woman I’d ever known. “You don’t need to answer me,” he said. “You just showed me everything written all over your face. Go get her, Beau. Don’t let her suffer without you anymore, and stop your suffering in the meantime. Rarely do things make perfect sense when written all out on a pros and cons list, but that doesn’t make

them any less meant to be.” He stood and I followed. He clapped a hand on my shoulder and turned away, heading toward the door. When he pulled the door open, he turned back to face me. “I have to go, Beau. I know you’ll do the right thing for all of you.” “You don’t hate me for what I did?” The words tumbled out of my mouth. I deserved to be hated. I’d been despised most of my life so I couldn’t fathom why he didn’t seem to hate me. Dr. Knight looked me straight in the eyes. “Hate you? Oh, Beau.” He crossed the room again and pulled me into a hug. It was foreign, the feeling of a man showing me affection. While it was strange, it was oddly comforting. “I could never hate you. You take care of yourself, okay? If you need anything at all, please let me know. Dr. Viola and Dr. Grant are good friends of mine. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And don’t be afraid of your feelings.” “I tried to kill myself in front of her,” I whispered. “She was screaming and begging me to stop, but I couldn’t hear her. I hate myself for doing that to April. I know what it feels like, to see that. My dad killed himself, and I found him. I can’t forgive myself for doing that to her, for putting those visions in her head. Still to this day I have visions of him hanging from the doorway. What have I done to her?” “Son.” He put hand on my shoulder and squeezed softly. “Go to her. Let her see you’re okay. She’s sick with worry. Then you both put it past you and move forward. You can’t take it back, but you can move forward.” It was easier said than done, but I nodded anyway. In the back of my mind, I still thought letting her move forward meant moving forward without me, despite every cell in my body screaming for the exact opposite.

Natalie pulled into April’s driveway and cut the engine, both of us silent. No words needed to be said. I’d made her drive around for two hours after I was discharged from the hospital. She’d let the band know I needed tonight to come to terms with my new reality and we’d see them tomorrow, but I hadn’t been ready. So we’d gone to Beats and I’d banged the hell out of some drums. It had been awkward to play drums with the cast, but I’d made it work. I wouldn’t be doing any epic solos any time soon or anything like that, but it did what I’d needed it to do. Thank God Bex hadn’t had everything picked up yet. The second I’d sat down at the drum kit and picked up a pair of drumsticks, I’d felt the stress leaving my shoulders. It hadn’t helped for long, because no matter how hard I hit the drums and cymbals or how many songs I slammed out, the reality was I had to deal with both Robbie and April. At the same time. While I was the strongest emotionally I had been probably in years, that didn’t make me strong enough. Natalie, Dr. Grant, and I had a long conversation before I’d been discharged. We’d run through all the possible scenarios of what could happen when I got to April’s house and strategies for if they happened. A rock had settled in the pit of my stomach, and I felt like I’d swallowed cotton. I’d had to deal with a lot

of hard shit in my life, but this might put the icing on the cake. I was fucking terrified. I hadn’t spoken a word in over an hour, just shook my head at Natalie when she’d asked if I was ready yet. We’d made many loops around the outskirts of Orlando, but it was past time for me to face it like the man I was supposed to be. I thought of everything Dr. Knight had told me and I tried to believe it. I tried to believe I could do this with both Robbie and April, but I knew there was only one of them who had to be stuck with me. I’m sorry, Robbie, I thought, looking through the front window to the house. The lights were on, and the house was warm and inviting. I remembered the last time I had been here when I woke up next to April and knew it was going to be a fun day. And it had been. Until it had become the worst day of my life. It felt like both yesterday and years ago at the same time. I’m sorry you have to have me as a parent. I wish you would’ve hit the parent lotto a little better, buddy. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. What was he going to say when he found out I was his dad? He was nine years old, not a little toddler who was happy as long as they had their favorite blankey. What would happen when I walked into that house and saw April? I wasn’t sure which thing I was more terrified about. It vacillated in my head, volleying back and forth between April and Robbie. “Are you ready now?” Natalie’s voice interrupted my thoughts. She’d been so patient with me, waiting as long as I needed to get here. I took a deep breath and tapped my fingers on my cast. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready,” I admitted, opening the car door. “But it’s not going to go away. Let’s do this.” I’d asked Natalie to stay, even though she’d offered to leave and stay with Bex for the night to give April and me some privacy with Robbie. I was terrified to be alone with the two of them. I needed her to be there. So she, of course, agreed to stay. Someday my sister would get to have a life outside of me. I promised myself that much. But tonight, I needed her to be the rock she’d always been. We reached the front door, and Natalie turned back at me one more time. I nodded slightly, the words failing to acknowledge to go ahead and open the door. My heart rattled in my chest, and I felt lightheaded, but the panic was at bay for now. I planned to keep it that way. Armed with enough prescriptions and techniques to keep me sane for a while, I was as good as I was going to get. As soon as she opened the door, I smelled something wonderful cooking. My stomach rumbled despite my nerves. Natalie took my small bag from the hospital and laid it on the table next to the door, and we walked silently through the house until we got to the kitchen. I loved April’s house. It was so homey and comfortable. Maybe that was because April was in it, but still. Robbie sat at the bar; his head bent over as he furiously wrote on a piece of paper. April’s back was to us while she stirred something on the stove. Her dark hair was in a braid over her shoulder, and she was wearing a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. She took my breath away. Finally hearing us, both Robbie and April turned to us at the same time. “BEAU!” Robbie shouted, jumping off the bar stool and running up to me. “Are you okay? I was so worried about you!” I glanced down at this beautiful boy, half of me inside him, and tears pricked the backs of my eyes.

His eyes were wide and content; his face was split with a grin. He was happy to see me. “Hi, Robbie. Yes, I’m much better, thank you.” I ruffled his hair, the urge to pull him into my arms so strong I almost did. But I needed to wait. I didn’t want him to feel violated by me once he knew the truth. “You broke your hand? Oh, man! How are you going to drum? Oh—I got to try playing the drums! It was awesome, but I can’t wait to do it with you sometime.” Robbie stepped back and grabbed a stack of papers from the counter. My mind was already spinning, barely registering his words. “I made all of these for you. I haven’t been going to school, so I’ve had a lot of time. I wanted you to know I missed you.” He handed me a two-inch stack of papers. As I flipped through them, I saw a recurring theme. It was him and me playing the drums with the words “GET WELL SOON” on each one. “Yeah, I broke my hand, but it’ll be better soon, and then I’ll be back to business. Thank you, Robbie. These are amazing. I’ll keep them forever.” He didn’t seem to be too upset about what I’d done in front of him at the group home. I guess he missed most of the major stuff, thank God. I heard Natalie sniffle behind me, and I knew she was fighting to keep control. I dared to look up at April. She was staring at me; her hands twisted together in front of her and a small smile played on her lips as she glanced at me and then at Robbie. She stepped closer to me once I gave her my attention, her eyes searching mine for any sign of what I was thinking or feeling. I wanted nothing more than to grab her and pull her to me and bury my face in her neck, smelling the intoxicating smell of April Knight. But I couldn’t. “April,” I said. “It smells superb in here. Thank you . . . for everything.” My words sounded formal and stiff, even to me. She got it. Her expression fell, and she stepped back, nodding her head once at my refusal. “Beau. It’s good to see you.” I didn’t miss the emotion in her voice, but I had to break my gaze from hers. It was overwhelming, the urge I had to haul her into my arms and apologize all while kissing the hell out of her. “I have dinner ready . . .” We sat down, the silence awkward as we tried to talk to each other without really talking. April asked me how I was feeling and how much longer my hand had to be casted. Natalie talked to Robbie about some game they’d been playing at night. I couldn’t do much talking beyond a few one-word answers. As great as the food was, I could only stomach a few bites before I started pushing the food around on my plate. Once April got up and started clearing the table, I knew it was time for me to pull Robbie aside and talk to him. “Hey, Robbie?” The child turned and looked at me, waiting. “Can I talk to you in the living room for a little while?” He nodded. “Do you want to play the game Natalie and I have been playing? It’s super fun.” “Maybe later. I need to talk to you about something, if that’s okay.” Natalie stood up with me, and we headed to the living room. I could hear April in the kitchen, the dishes clanging in the sink as she rinsed and loaded the dishwasher. Robbie sat on the couch next to Natalie, snuggling up next to her like he’d been here all along. But something didn’t feel right about what I was doing. Something was . . . off. If I thought about it, I knew exactly what it was.

“Hang on. I’ll be right back.” Natalie nodded, understanding my intent. I walked into the kitchen and watched April, her back to me. My heart ached, and my head hurt. What was I supposed to do here? I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I should do. They weren’t the same thing. “April.” It was all I could muster, but she heard me. She stiffened for a second before turning slightly, her gaze wary. She dried her hands on the towel and put them on either side of her, gripping the counter as she waited to see what I wanted. My tongue was tied as I thought of all of the things I could say to her. Things I wanted to say to her but couldn’t find the words. I stepped closer to her, watching as her eyes widened just a fraction and her chest began to rise and fall rapidly. My chest constricted painfully as I took in every feature of her beautiful face. I’d come in here to ask her to be a part of our conversation with Robbie. After all, she’d been part of this since the beginning. Her being in there would make Robbie more comfortable. Standing here within feet of April, my heart warred with my brain on what I wanted to say. I knew it wasn’t the time. Robbie was waiting for me, wondering what I wanted to talk to him about. But she was standing there, looking so scared and unsure and . . . so fucking beautiful that I couldn’t pretend anymore. I closed the space between us with just a few steps and she tried to back up but couldn’t with her back against the counter. She stared at me, waiting, and I knew I was the king of mixed signals right now. I took her hand, kissing the palm while she watched me wordlessly. I closed my eyes against the smell of her infiltrating my senses. The thought of never seeing her face again made me want to groan in pain. That’s what I’d been doing when I tried to kill myself. I was saying that my pain was bigger than April’s, bigger than Robbie’s, bigger than everyone’s. I knew it wasn’t me during that time, but I’d still caused her to feel the way she did right now. “I’m sorry.” I held her palm against my face. Thank goodness that the first thing I’d done was go to a barber and get my hair and beard cut. I was myself again. A small noise escaped from April’s lips, and I lifted my eyes to hers. Tears pooled in her eyes but she didn’t move or speak. She waited, and I realized I owed her more than just an apology. “I want you to be in there when I tell him,” I explained, taking her hand and lacing the fingers of my good hand through it. She didn’t argue, so I continued. I was going against every single thing I’d sworn I’d do, but for once in my life I was following my heart. She nodded, her eyes dropping to our linked hands. Doing so made tears track down her cheeks. Without thinking, I pulled her body close to mine and breathed her in. She hesitated for a moment, her body rigid until she fought through it. I understood exactly how she felt. “I don’t deserve you, April. I know I don’t.” I leaned my forehead against hers, hearing our harsh breathing as we both processed what we wanted to happen. “I’ll never be able to apologize enough for what I put you through that day. There’s no excuse for what I did, and I won’t pretend there is. This whole time, I was coming up with all the reasons why I

couldn’t be with you, why it wasn’t what was best for you. But now . . .” April lifted her face so all I would have to do was dip my head slightly and I’d be kissing her. Tears continued a steady path down her face and dripped on our entwined hands. “Now what?” Her voice was raw. “Seeing you has made every single one of them go out the window. I know I don’t deserve you, but I want you. God, April, I want you.” She shuddered, biting her lip as she fought for control. Was this when she turned me down and said she couldn’t do this with me? I’d deserve it if she did. She released her hand from mine, and I stepped back, my heart in my feet. This was it. She was done. What had I expected? She could have any man she wanted. What did she want with someone as broken as me? April shook her head, stepping closer to me as I put space between us. “Stop,” she said. “You’re misunderstanding. Come here.” She put one arm around my waist and pulled me until there was no space between us. She then took her hands and put them on either side of my face, her eyes roving over every part of my face as I watched, unable to breathe as I waited. “I was so scared, Beau,” she whispered, her fingers moving softly on the hair on my face. “I’m . . .” April put her finger over my lips to silence me, then leaned forward and kissed me softly. My heart ballooned, feeling premature hope. “Don’t say you’re sorry. I understand.” I wasn’t sure how she understood because I sure as hell didn’t. “I was so scared, but never did I stop loving you, not for one second,” she said. “I wished I could love you a little harder so you could understand how I felt about you.” She loved me? Did she just say she loved me? “Over the last week, I wanted to see you more than I wanted anything. I was going crazy wondering how you were doing. When you wouldn’t see me . . .” I closed my lips over hers, swallowing the rest of the words and all the hurt I’d caused her. “I’m sorry,” I repeated over and over on her lips. “I tried, April. I tried to resist falling for you because I thought it was what was best for you. But seeing you now, I just can’t deny it anymore. It might be selfish, and I might hurt you again, but I can’t do this without you. I have no idea what I’m doing. There’s Robbie . . .” “He’ll be okay,” she said, that smile I loved on her face. “He’s been wonderful since we brought him home. Even if he has a hard time at first with the news, he’ll come around.” “But do you want to do this, April? Not only do I come with a whole lot of emotional baggage, now I come with a child, too.” April caressed down my neck and shoulders, stopping on my forearms. “I love you, Beau Anderson. You don’t have to say it back. I don’t expect that, but I want you to know that no matter what, I love you. Whether you leave me standing in here alone, or you take me into your life right there in the living room, I love you. I’m yours. Nothing you can do or say will change that.” I stared at her, blinking as I processed her words. Here I was, this messed up man who had gone

clinically insane in front of her, and she was declaring her love for me. I thought back to what Dr. Knight had said, coupled with the doctors and Natalie, and I knew what I’d been feeling all along. Even though I’d denied it, wanted to ignore it, and wanted to push her away forever with the thought I was doing what was best for her. She took my silence as something entirely different than it was, and she tried to step around me. I held on to her, not letting her pass. “April.” I stopped her. I framed her face with both my cast and my free hand, forcing her to meet my gaze. “I thought I’d come here and end things with you. I thought it was what was best for both of us after what I put you through. But I can’t do it, April, because I love you, too. That scares the hell out of me and I’m not sure I know what I’m doing, but I love you.” She gasped, and I swallowed it with my lips, taking her the way I’d wanted to since I first laid eyes on her hours before. My tongue dipped into her mouth, and I pressed her against the counter, my desire for her evident as I devoured her. She met me kiss for kiss, tongue for tongue as we reconnected, pouring all our pent up feelings and anxiety into each other. When I pulled back, April was beaming. “Do you . . . really mean it?” I laughed, and she gasped again, her hand to her mouth. “What?” “I love hearing you laugh,” she said. “It’s beautiful.” “Not as beautiful as you. And I mean every word. Now, will you do me the honor of joining me as I tell my son he’s mine?” She nodded, a shy look on her face as she wrapped her arm around mine. I sensed her eyes on me the entire time we walked, but I all of a sudden felt invincible.

When April and I walked hand in hand into the living room, Natalie’s face lit up. Robbie noticed and smiled at us, too, wondering what he was missing. I could tell he didn’t get why Natalie was so happy. “Sorry to keep you waiting.” I settled next to Robbie again. Natalie had gotten up and was now sitting across from us. April sat on the other side of Robbie so we were surrounding him. I put my arm on the back of the couch and April laced her fingers with mine behind Robbie. I heard a small sob, and I turned to Natalie. She waved me away, holding her hand over her mouth to keep herself controlled. I turned back to Robbie. “There’s something I need to tell you.” Robbie tipped his face up so he was looking directly into mine. My heart skipped a beat as I saw myself in his eyes. “First, I wanted to say how sorry I am that I got upset the last time I saw you. I wasn’t myself that day.” He nodded. “I get it. Remember, I told you I feel that way sometimes, too?” I released April’s hand so I could touch Robbie’s instead. He didn’t flinch, so I took it as a good sign. “Yes, I know you do. I try hard for that not to happen, but it sometimes does. I wanted you to know I’m sorry, and I hope you realize it had nothing to do with you.”

“I know,” he said with the maturity of a much older person. “You don’t have to say sorry to me. Is that why you had to go to the hospital?” “Yes.” I wanted to be honest with him, always. He deserved that much. “But I’m much better now.” “Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? You don’t have to worry about me. I’m okay. Why did April bring me here? Do I get to stay here, or do I have to go to another home?” “No, Robbie, you aren’t going anywhere. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” I caught April’s gaze and she nodded in silent encouragement. “You know how you said your mom was looking for your dad, and you never knew who he was?” Robbie nodded, confusion written all over his face. I cleared my throat. “Well, we still don’t understand what you were doing in the Orlando area, but we know who she was looking for before she . . . she . . .” “Died,” Robbie filled in for me. “You know where my dad is?” His eyes were as wide as saucers as he waited for me to continue. This was it. I was going to change my son’s life forever, right here in this moment. I hoped he wouldn’t hate me for it, but I couldn’t guarantee he would love me, either. “I do.” I shifted my body so I was facing him. April’s hand caressed my forearm, still resting on the back of the couch, as she waited for the words to spill from my mouth. “About ten years ago, I met a woman named Robyn at the place where I worked. We became friends.” Robbie’s mouth opened but then closed again. He tipped his head to the side, his mind racing to figure out what I meant by that, so I continued. “One day, she just left, and I never saw her again. I had no idea what happened to her or where she went. And then . . . I saw the picture you carried with you.” “You knew my mom?” Robbie whispered, wringing his hands in his lap. “You were friends a long time ago before I was born?” I didn’t expect him to get it, and I was glad he didn’t. “Yes. I was worried about what happened to her, and I’m sad she passed away. But what I found out when I saw that picture was . . .” I broke off, my voice cracking. The words were right there; they just wouldn’t come out. Natalie cleared her throat, getting my attention. She nodded, mouthing just do it. I nodded. I had to be straight with him. “I’m your dad, Robbie,” I said. Once the words left my mouth, I felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. I watched his face as he registered the words, knowing right when he understood me because his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. “You . . . what? You’re my dad? How is that? I mean, you’re Beau Anderson and . . .” “It’s true,” April said from beside him. His eyes swung to her and then back to me. “Beau Anderson is your dad, Robbie. He never knew about you, not until you showed him that picture.” Robbie’s eyes widened. “B-but the picture is what made you upset. Why? You didn’t want me?” I grabbed his hands and pulled him so he was standing directly in front of me. “No. Please don’t think that. I had no idea you existed, so it was a shock. When I saw your mom holding you and then I realized

how old you were, I got upset that I’d missed so much of your life. I was hurt you didn’t live a good life, Robbie. I’d never want that for any child, much less my child.” “Are you sure you’re my dad?” Robbie whispered. “When I was in the hospital, I had tests done.” I understood him needing information because all of this was too much to understand. “They took blood from me and some from you.” Robbie nodded. “That hurt.” “They told me you’re my son, Robbie. It’s true.” Robbie’s eyes filled with tears. His small hands were still in mine as I watched him process everything. “You want me?” Those three words broke my heart into a million shards. I hadn’t wanted him. I hadn’t wanted anything to do with having a child of my own, ever. But looking into the face of this beautifully broken boy, I knew I wanted nothing more than to have both April and him. I wanted a family like Bex and Johnny had. My family. I also understood him feeling betrayed and unable to trust adults. Been there, done that. But if I had anything to do with it, he’d never have that experience again. “I want you. I wish I would’ve known all those years ago that you were mine, Robbie. I can’t erase all the bad things you’ve lived through, but I can promise you this—I will try my hardest to make you happy for the rest of your life. You won’t ever have to feel alone again or wonder if you will have a home to live in or if you’ll get taken away again because I would never in a million years let that happen to you.” “My last name will be Anderson like you?” I nodded, my throat so thick I knew speaking would be futile. Tears spilled down his cheeks. He hiccupped and sobbed, throwing himself into my arms and burying his face in my neck. I held onto him as he let go of all the years of feeling unwanted. I could feel my pain leaking out with his. I was holding my child. He was okay. I was okay. We were going to make it. I closed my eyes and squeezed him tightly to me, his little heart pounding against my chest. Natalie was openly sobbing in her hand as she used her phone to take pictures. I guess I’d appreciate her capturing this moment. April scooted closer and wrapped herself around both of us, pressing her lips against mine as we sandwiched my son. “I love you,” April said into my mouth. “I’m so proud of you right now I could burst. You’re an amazing man, Beau Anderson.” Amazing man. You’re an amazing man. I smiled at the new voice in my head.

April I STOOD OUTSIDE the doorway of Robbie’s room, watching Beau sit on the side of Robbie’s bed. They’d been in there for a good half hour now, most of which I’d been standing right here watching. My heart had never felt so full in all my life. Natalie had left after Beau went into Robbie’s room, choosing to give us some privacy. I was so grateful to her for everything that we’d stood and clung to each other, shedding happy tears at the way the day had turned out. I hadn’t known what to expect when Natalie told me Beau was getting out today. After he had refused to see me in the hospital, I’d thought for sure things were over with us. When he’d walked into the kitchen earlier tonight and gave me the cold shoulder, I’d known it for sure. He was gone, closed off to the connection we’d previously shared. He’d given up on us. I thought for certain it had been too much for him. I’d been scared shitless to see what had happened to him while he was hospitalized. I had zero experience with things like that, and I didn’t know what to expect. But he’d been the same gorgeous, quiet, brooding Beau, just a little more like the Beau I met months ago instead of the one I’d gotten to know since then. When we’d sat down for dinner, and he couldn’t eat the meal I’d spent all day fretting over, my heart had sunk into my feet. He’d hardly looked at me at all, even when I willed him with everything I had to give me some sign that he was still feeling the same as I was. After dinner had been over and he’d taken Robbie into the living room without a single word spoken to me, I’d stayed in the kitchen and sobbed. When he’d come up behind me, I’d been taken by surprise. That was when I saw the haunted look in his eyes and knew he was conflicted. It was right then I knew how he felt about me, though he’d thought breaking it off was doing what was best. I lifted my fingers and touched my lips, the burn of his short beard remaining on my skin. After not seeing him in over a week, combined with the vision of the last time I’d seen him, lying lifeless on the gurney, kissing Beau had been more special than usual. Things had gone so well with Robbie I almost couldn’t believe it. That didn’t mean we were out of the woods. I’d seen this a lot with kids. Their initial reaction was always to be overwhelmed and ecstatic that someone was committed to loving them for the rest of their lives. Then reality set in. Robbie would face moving, another new school, and Beau would be faced with not just being Robbie’s buddy, but also being his parent. I’d be there every step of the way if they’d let me. I was glad Natalie had gotten pictures of Robbie in Beau’s arms. Those are moments that would never

be forgotten, but having the visual reminder would be good for them both as they navigated their future. I stepped into the room, wanting to be part of their moment. Beau glanced up and smiled at me. I’d never tire of seeing his genuine feelings. Robbie reciprocated, and it reminded me so much of Beau tears sprung to my eyes again. I’d cried a lot over the last week, but at least these were happy tears. “Hi, April,” Robbie said. Beau patted the spot next to him on the bed, and I sat. “Hi, Robbie. You all ready for bed?” He nodded. “Beau . . .” His eyes widened, and he stopped. “What’s the matter?” Beau asked. “Do I . . . should I call you Beau or Dad?” As he turned to me, I could see unease written all over his face. I held his gaze, trying to give him encouragement without saying a word. “You can call me whatever you’re comfortable with. As long as it’s not JerkFace or something.” Robbie laughed. “I’d like to call you Dad. I’ve never gotten to call anyone that before. As long as you’re okay with it . . .” “Robbie, I am your dad. It’s okay with me. It’s more than okay.” Robbie sat up and wrapped his slender arms around Beau’s neck again. “Thank you,” he whispered. “You don’t have anything to thank me for,” Beau said gruffly. Seeing Robbie wrapped in Beau’s arms was something that I’d never take for granted. It was a hard earned victory for both of them. “Uh huh.” Robbie leaned back. “You didn’t have to take me. I could still be in that group home.” “No way.” Robbie settled back into his pillow and Beau tucked the blanket around him, a big yawn taking over his body. “Time for bed, buddy. We’ll have more time tomorrow to talk and play.” Beau stood up, and I followed. “Dad?” Robbie’s small voice saying that simple name had us both turning back to face him. “Is . . . April going to be my mom?” I could see panic written all over his face at Robbie’s question. I put my hand on his arm. “Robbie, I would like that very much, but I never want to replace your mom.” “My mom died,” Robbie said. “She didn’t love me enough to stay.” I crouched down next to his bed. “That’s not true, Robbie. She was sick.” “The drugs made her sick?” I nodded. “Yes.” “She’d be happy I was with my daddy now. And you, April. You love B—Dad, right?” I glanced over my shoulder at Beau, still frozen in place from Robbie’s question. “Yes, Robbie. I love him. He’s the greatest man I’ve ever known.” He nodded, accepting my answer. “He loves you, too. We’ll be a family now.” Robbie rolled on his side like it was that simple. Well, I guessed it could be. “Good night.” “Good night, Robbie.” I leaned down and kissed his temple, watching as Beau came back and ruffled his hair, and we made our way out of the room.

I shut the door softly behind us, turning to see Beau resting his head against the wall, his chest heaving like he’d just run a marathon. “Beau.” I placed my hands on his firm chest. “What’s going through your head? Talk to me.” It was dark in the hallway, and I could barely make him out, but I knew enough to know he was battling with something. He reached his hand out and pulled me flush to him. He bent down and buried his face in my neck and wrapped his arms around me. I began running my fingers through his hair, sighing as my body relaxed against his. God, I’d missed him. I wasn’t sure if I would ever have this again. His body shuddered, and that’s when I felt it. Tears dripped down my neck and chest. They were coming from Beau. His hands gripped the back of my shirt as he let go. I couldn’t stop my flow of tears from joining his. We were silent, both of us clutching on to the other in the darkness of my hallway, but no words were needed. “April,” he said finally, his voice barely a croak. He sniffled, lifting his face from my neck. He was baring himself to me; every single part of him was wide opened and exposed right now. “Beau.” I lifted my hands until I was using my thumbs to wipe the tears from under his eyes. He shook his head like he was trying to rid himself of whatever he was thinking. He kissed me, his lips soft and gentle against mine. “Thank you,” he said against my lips. “For everything. For not being afraid of me. For loving me. For wanting to be part of our life. I . . . I have a son.” “Yes you do, and he’s amazing, just like his father.” He studied me for a second before grabbing my hand and leading me wordlessly down the hall to my bedroom.

Beau closed the door silently behind us. I heard the click of the lock and smiled. It had been what I was wishing for but was afraid to hope for too much. He’d been through a lot, and I wasn’t sure if he was up for anything more. My room was dark, but he found me easily, coming up behind me and pulling my hair off of my neck. When his lips touched the skin of my neck, my knees buckled and a small moan escaped my lips. The combination of his soft beard and warm lips made my eyes roll in my head. Beau wrapped his arm around my waist as I sagged against him. His lips kissed up and down my neck and ear, his breathing erratic as he became aroused, pressing himself into me as he continued to kiss me. “Beau.” I reached my arms behind me so I could touch his face. He turned me so I was facing him, shifting my hair on the other side so he could suckle the other side of my neck. Goose bumps broke out on my skin as he simultaneously set me on fire and gave me the chills. My fingers traveled down his chest and lifted his shirt. He broke away for a second as I pulled it over his head. Feeling his bare skin against my fingertips had me throwing my head back farther. He took that opportunity to travel down my chest, his mouth leaving marks on my shirt as he kissed and bit through my

clothes. He made quick work of my shirt and bra, moving deftly for a man with only one hand with full motion. We stood there, topless, in front of each other. Our eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and there was just enough light coming in from the street light outside for me to see his dark eyes drinking in every inch of me. “I want it all, April.” His low voice made my stomach tingle and desire zing through my body. “Take it all,” I whispered, resting my hands on the button of his jeans. I unbuttoned them slowly, my eyes locked onto his. He smirked, the one I loved so much and then mirrored my actions, his one hand slowly working on my pants. Wanting to help, I assisted his efforts. I couldn’t wait for that cast to come off, too. I wanted him right now, fast, hard, and however we could get it, but I also wanted to enjoy every single second of what was happening right now. There had been times I’d thought we’d never be close like this again, and I needed to be thankful for every second of this. Beau was mumbling under his breath, but I didn’t worry what he was saying because his gentle touch on my skin told me it was his way of worshiping me. I didn’t need to hear him—I felt his words. My pants dropped to the floor, him working faster than me. He hooked his fingers in the string sides of my thong and pulled me to him. “I’ve woken up hard so many mornings dreaming of you, but I refused to allow myself to think I could have this again. I didn’t think I deserved it.” I shoved his pants to the floor and took his shaft in my hand, enjoying the soft skin around his hard length. He hissed, pushing into my hand automatically as I alternated pressure with soft strokes. “You deserve everything and then some.” I lifted my face so I could kiss him. He growled, thrusting his tongue into my mouth as we lost control, our mouths tasting, nipping, and devouring each other. The fingers of his good hand traveled south, cupping me through the scrap of lace I was still wearing. I squirmed, needing him. He held the back of my head with his other hand. The hard cast was rough on my scalp, but I didn’t care. All I could think about was his tongue caressing mine and his fingers skating across my sensitive skin. I panted into his mouth as he moved the small piece of lace to the side and sunk two fingers inside me. Beau sucked my tongue into his mouth, his fingers and tongue in tandem. I pumped him harder, feeling him grow longer with every stroke. He stepped forward, pushing me until I hit the edge of my bed. He withdrew from me completely, watching me with hooded eyes as I slid the thong off of my legs and dropped it to the floor. He drank in every part of me, his eyes starting on my face and heading to my chest, then to my stomach and finally where I was open and ready for him. He began stroking himself, and I watched. “Touch yourself,” Beau said. I watched as he continued gripping himself. I’d never done that in front of anyone before, but he made me want to . . . I reached my hand down and felt how aroused I already was. The second my fingers began working against my sensitive skin Beau’s eyes widened, and he dropped his hand from his dick. He caged himself around me and attacked my mouth, moaning as he put his hand on top of mine and guided me into myself.

This was . . . hot. His fingers moved with mine, rubbing and teasing as I sighed into his mouth. “Baby, that feels so good,” he whispered against my mouth. “You like that?” I nodded, words escaping me. I reached for him, but he moved out of my grasp, his mouth trailing a path of desire down my neck and to my breast. He continued pushing his fingers inside of me as he swirled his tongue around my pebbled nipple. “Beau.” I arched my back, the sensations taking over my body. He wasn’t even close to entering me yet, and I already wanted to let go. His lips traveled to my other breast, biting my nipple softly as I cried out, holding on to his head as he headed south. Oh God, he was going to . . . I was never going to survive it. He kneeled next to my bed, his eyes glancing up at me and then back to watch his fingers move inside me. “So fucking sweet.” He blew a cool breath across my flushed skin and I writhed. I was so close. Beau gripped my thigh and pulled me so I was hanging off the edge of the bed. Before I could register he’d removed his fingers, his mouth was on me. He moved his tongue in and out and then sucked my clit into his mouth. I bucked my hips off the bed and moved my head back and forth, the sensation so great I could hardly handle it. When he added his fingers back, I lost control. My body shuddered on him, and I rode him with abandon, calling his name out over and over. As I came down, he began kissing the insides of my thighs, and then my lower stomach, my breasts, and back up to my mouth. “April, I need you.” “You have me.” He had me in every single way he could think of and then some. He lifted my hands above my head and laced the fingers of his uncasted hand with mine. I was so wound up I didn’t think it would matter what the hell he did, he just needed to touch me, and now. I felt him kneel on the bed and shift my legs farther apart before he came over me. His lips reached for mine, and we started a slow, sensual dance together. Our heart rates slowed, and soft sighs and moans began as Beau guided himself to my entrance. I wrapped my legs around his hips and pulled him into me, needing him to satisfy the unrelenting desire I had for him. Beau filled me to the hilt before pulling back. His lips began a path down my neck again as he teased me. “Beau. Please. More. Harder.” Beau smiled, and my heart stuttered. I would never tire of seeing that man smile at me. “What my lady wants, my lady gets.” He rolled over so he was lying flat on the bed, his erection jutting out with an invitation. My eyes raked up and down the gorgeous body of the man I loved. I climbed over him, balancing my hands on his chest as I took him inside me. It was his turn for his eyes to roll back as I began moving on top of him, the feeling of him inside me filling me with desire. His hands roamed as I lifted up and down on him. He cupped my breasts, using his stomach muscles to sit up and suckle both of them while I continued to grind on him. I leaned over and gripped my headboard, throwing my head back as he sent me into yet another orgasm. He gripped my hips and pounded into me as he followed with his release. As we started coming down from our high, I laid on his chest. He was still inside me, and we were

still breathing heavy from the exertion and the epic orgasms, but I didn’t care. I caressed his face, memorizing every single detail about him as we lay here together on my bed. “I love you,” Beau said, shocking me. I knew he’d said it before, and I believed him, but there was something about him saying it right after we’d made love that drove it further home for me. Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, but I was tired of crying. I was so happy I could barely stand it, and that left no room for tears. “I love you, too.” I ran my fingertips over his dark eyebrows and down his cheeks. My lips touched his nose ring and moved down to his lips. “You are the sexiest man I’ve ever seen in my life.” He laughed, his chest shaking. Beau turned us so we were lying on our sides, facing each other. “I would’ve never in my life thought someone would think that about me. I mean, we get all sorts of groupies who say shit, but that’s because they think there’s something to going to bed with a rocker. To hear it come from you means everything to me. And for the record, you are the sexiest woman in the entire world.” Beau ran his fingers down between my naked breasts and I felt him stir to life again. “The first time I saw you? My brain left me, and I couldn’t think of one intelligible thing to say. You intimidated me.” “Why? I’m not intimidating.” Beau ran his fingers along my hip, making me shudder. “Because you were—and are—every single thing I always wanted but never thought I deserved to have.” “I don’t want you to think you have to hide anything from me, Beau. Not now, not ever. The good, the bad, the in-between. I want to be part of everything. That’s what people do who love each other.” Beau nodded, pushing himself inside my wet center again. “I love being inside you. His fingers flexed on my hip as he held me in place. “It’s made just for me.” He took a nipple into his mouth and sucked it, his tongue swirling around my nub. “These breasts.” He whispered against my skin, making my nipple even harder. “They’re nothing short of perfection. I’m going to spend my life worshiping them.” Beau moved in and out of me, slow but steady. I reached between us and touched him as he entered me, feeling where we were joined. “This?” I started, making his eyes widen. “I love every single inch of it. It pleases me like nothing I’ve ever felt in my life.” I removed my hand and put my thumb in his mouth so he could taste me. “This mouth? The way it kisses me? I’ll never tire of that. It gives me goose bumps and makes me so horny.” “April, you’re killing me.” I leaned over so my lips were next to his ear. “You know what I want?” Beau pushed harder inside me, and I nodded. “Yeah, baby. Just like that. Give it to me hard.” Our eyes met, and he stared at me for a moment, gauging how serious I was. When I nodded, he pulled out of me and rolled me onto my stomach. Crouching over me, he kissed along my spine and down to my ass. He spread my legs and lifted my hips. Beau caressed my ass and then dipped two fingers back inside me. He ground against me as he pleased me. I gripped the sheets in front of me, craving everything all at once. Just before I started begging, Beau gripped my hips and slammed into me. We both stilled at the sensation. “Fuck.” He pumped into me. “That’s . . .”

I groaned, throwing my head back as he held my hip, his punishing pace almost painful, yet the most amazing feeling I’d ever had. He grunted as I pushed back against him, needing to experience every bit of what he was giving me. He leaned over me, and with his good hand, reached around and began rubbing my clit, his breath hot in my ear. “Beau.” I clenched on him as I rode out yet another orgasm. He began moving faster, so hard it made my eyes water with ecstasy. “Yes!” he shouted as I felt him emptying inside me. “Oh, my God, April. That was . . .” He pulled out and walked to my bathroom, coming back quickly with a warm washcloth. I’d rolled over and he opened my legs and cleaned me up before using it on himself. He tossed it to the ground and climbed in next to me. “Never in my life.” He trailed off and wrapped his arms around me. I laid my head on his chest, the pounding of his heart in tandem with mine as he, too, came down from the high. I felt his lips press against my hair, and I smiled. My Beau was back. “We’re going to have a lot more where that came from.” I hugged him tight. “Thank you for coming back to me, Beau.” He reached down and pulled the blanket over us. It had been a long, exhausting, emotional day. We closed our eyes and let our bodies relax into one another. Just before I dozed off, his voice roused me. “I came back for you and Robbie. There was always something about you.”

I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair, a smile on my lips as I replayed last night’s events. I’d woken up early, way too early, and I’d gone in to check on Robbie. He’d been fast asleep—the stuffed dog we’d gotten for him in his arms. Beau hadn’t moved, either, but I knew he was exhausted. I could only imagine what that man had endured over the last week, fighting his way back to me. To us. I couldn’t help but wonder what it meant for us now. Would he want me to move with him? Would we be together long distance? Did he want me to be part of Robbie’s life, too? I had so many questions, but I also didn’t want to burden Beau with too much right now. I knew we’d figure it all out in due time. I loved living in Orlando, and my parents were here, but I’d give it all up in a second. Camryn and Bella might think I was crazy if I left everything to follow him, but they’d get over it. There wasn’t a shadow of doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with Beau no matter what I had to do. I could transfer offices. I may not be a supervisor, but I didn’t care. I turned in the shower, letting the warm water run over my back as I replayed the night with Beau again and again in my mind. I stretched, my muscles sore in the best way. I jumped as I heard the shower door open. “I thought you might need some help washing your back.” Beau grabbed my waist and dipped his head down to suck my neck. “Hmmm . . . you smell so good.” He pressed his erection into my back, and I pushed against him, eliciting a groan from him.

“Did you check on Robbie?” I asked as he rubbed himself against my wet center. Oh yes, I was ready for him. “Still asleep.” He bit my shoulder gently while his fingers skated down my skin and inside me. “Oh, someone is ready for me.” I groaned. “How could I not be with your sexy self in the shower with me?” I turned my body so I could face him. The water sluiced down his cut body, the lights in the bathroom illuminating the colorful ink all over him. I ran my fingers down his chest and to that mystifying V of muscle that made women stupid. “Tell me about your tattoos.” “I’d rather not talk.” Beau growled as I wrapped my hand around his protruding length. “I have an idea.” I dropped to my knees in front of him. “You tell me about a tattoo, I’ll do . . . this . . .” I licked the head of his shaft, and he jerked, gripping my hair with his hand. I grinned as I noticed he’d taken a plastic bag and wrapped it around his cast and was holding it out of the water stream. “You only have one hand,” I teased. “You think my one hand will stop me?” I leaned over and kissed his tip, watching as his eyes shut momentarily. “I . . . I have a car symbol here bec . . . because . . .” His voice trailed off. “Because why?” I took him in my mouth but didn’t move, waiting for his words. “Because my dad loved cars. He taught me all about them.” His words came out like bullets as he rested his head against the shower wall. I wrapped my tongue around him and sucked, waiting for more. “I-I have a noose to remind me what ended my life as I knew it.” I stopped, popping him out of my mouth and standing up. This wasn’t the time for a conversation this serious. I knew his tattoos meant a lot to him, and every one of them meant something extremely personal. “Why did you stop?” I caressed him softly from root to tip. “I want to hear everything you have to say. It’s important to me.” I touched the car symbol he’d referred to, then the noose. My fingers traveled up his neck, where a large tree branched out. “It’s to remind me of my family,” he said. “That they are my family tree, what my past is, but that I am my own man. I got that when I was feeling rather hopeful.” “That’s great. You should remember that more often. It’s true, you know. Who your family was or the choices they made do not have to define you.” I reached around him and turned off the faucet. “Let’s get out.” We dried ourselves quietly, both of us lost in our heads. Beau stood in front of the mirror; the towel slung low on his hips. I came up next to him, and we both peered at each other’s reflections. “I had a vasectomy when I was twenty years old.” I sucked in a breath, even though I already knew that from Natalie. He’d trusted me enough to tell me. That was huge. I nodded. “You didn’t want to take a chance of a child having the kind of life you did.” Beau grimaced. “But it happened anyway.”

“Beau, you can’t change what happened. You were young and stupid. You didn’t think.” “Because I was young and stupid my son has grown up feeling unloved and unwanted. He was born addicted to drugs, for God’s sake. What if he has lifelong effects from that? He’s bounced from home to home. He didn’t think his father cared about him.” “He knows the truth now. You can’t look back, Beau. If all you do is think about the past, you’re never going to be able to write your future. Look at where you are now, not where you’ve been. The future is bright.” “I have Robbie,” he said. “I can’t ever have other children.” I shook my head. “That doesn’t matter.” His face changed. “You say that now, April. You’re young, and you’ll want your own family. Then you’ll resent me because I can’t. I’m damaged goods.” I grabbed his face so fast he gasped. “Beau Anderson, listen to me. Are you listening? I want you. I want you and Robbie.” “But . . .” I kissed him instead of letting him finish. When we parted, I smiled. “There are so many kids that need families, Beau. Way before I met you, I’d always wanted to adopt. So believe me when I say that despite what you think, I’m not going to resent you. I couldn’t.” “I never wanted a child,” Beau said. “But now . . .” We heard rustling at the door as he trailed off. We both turned as we heard the bedroom door bounce against the wall. “What the?” Beau opened the bathroom door and scanned the room. The door was still moving after being violently shoved against the wall. “What happened? Robbie?” It was then that we both froze, our gazes locked on each other. He’d been standing at the door. He’d heard us. He’d heard Beau say he never wanted a child. “Fuck.” He ran out of the bathroom with me right on his heels. “Robbie!” We stopped in the doorway of his room, but he wasn’t there. Beau ran to the front door, seeing it wide open. We looked back and forth but didn’t see a sign of him anywhere. Beau began running back to the room. “I need some clothes! Hurry! We have to find him!” On the way back to the room to get dressed, I stepped on Robbie’s dog in the hallway. He’d left it and ran. What had we done?

I ran out the door seconds after Beau. I’d pulled on a dress and sandals, not bothering with anything else. Beau had started running left out of my house so I turned right, my eyes swinging back and forth searching for Robbie. Oh, my God, we’d been so stupid. It wasn’t what Beau meant, of course, but to a child like Robbie who didn’t trust easily and didn’t feel loved, hearing that was the same as us dropping him back off at the group home. I knew he would probably find a little nook or cranny to hide in. I slowed down, my chest heaving. I

gripped my phone in my hand, hoping Beau would call me and tell me he found Robbie. I looked back toward my house, praying he’d be standing there waiting for me to find him. No such luck. Where would he go? Where would I go if I was a scared, angry little kid? I paced back and forth, my mind reeling. My phone dinged, and I dropped it in my haste to hit the accept button. “Shit.” I picked it up off the ground and put it to my ear. “Beau? Did you find him?” “No. I think we should call the police. I don’t know where he could’ve gone, or where to look. We need help.” The police. Well, yes, that would be a good idea. “I’ll call them.” “Do you have any ideas where he might go?” I wracked my brain again. “No. I mean, he’s not familiar with this area at all, so you have to wonder how far he can get.” “Would he attempt to get in a car with someone?” My stomach bottomed out. I would certainly hope not, but how did I know for sure? “Honestly, Beau, I don’t know. I guess it would depend on how resourceful Robbie is and how much he knows about taking care of himself. If I had to guess, he’s excellent at figuring out what to do.” He grunted. “I’m heading back to your house. Let’s get in the car and drive around. We have to find him, April. He misunderstood me.” “I know he did,” I said. It had been the absolute worst thing that Robbie could’ve overheard. “We’ll find him. I’m headed back to the house, too.” I hung up and jogged back, meeting Beau in the driveway. His face was grim, his body rigid. I wished I could say something to make it better, but we just needed to find Robbie. “Did you call the police?” “I’ll do it once we get in the car,” I said. “Let me go in and grab my purse.” “Hurry, April. The longer he’s out there . . .” “I know, Beau. We’re going to find him.” I dashed inside and grabbed my purse, fishing for my keys as quickly as possible. Movement caught my eye from the back yard, and I stopped, scanning the yard. Must’ve been a bird. But then the neighbor’s dog started barking, and I stopped in my tracks. I peered out the kitchen window, looking back and forth but not seeing anything. The dog was running back and forth along the fence, and I stepped out of the kitchen and to the slider that overlooked the yard. I hardly ever heard that dog bark, much less run back and forth like that. It was almost like he saw something. Robbie. I slid the door open and stepped onto the porch, my eyes scanning every part of the yard I could see. I had a big back porch with a table and chairs, a hammock, and large potted plants. I didn’t see him anywhere. Stepping out onto the concrete outside the patio, I scanned the various mature trees and shrubs that lined my property. The dog stood at the fence, wagging his tail and looking back and forth between me and the huge oak tree I had in my yard. “Robbie?” The dog yipped and barked as if he agreed with me. He had to be back here. I walked to the tree and peeked behind it, hoping to see the small nine-year-old crouched there waiting to be found.

Nothing. I looked back at the dog, still wagging his tail at me like he was encouraging me to keep going. My phone rang in my purse, and I grabbed it quickly, seeing Beau’s name on the screen. “Come to the back yard. I think Robbie is back here somewhere.” Beau sighed in relief. “I’ll be right there.” Just as I hung up, I heard a rustling in the tree above, and I craned my neck back. I still couldn’t see anything, so I stepped back from the tree. “Robbie?” More rustling but no response came from the tree. Beau rushed out the door, and his eyes settled on me. “Nothing?” I pointed up to the tree but didn’t respond. I was rather sure Robbie could see me and just didn’t want to answer. Beau’s eyes searched the tree, keeping his distance so he could see better. Being quite a bit taller than me helped, too. My heart started beating normally, the scare of him running around in traffic or getting in someone’s car having passed. As upset as he probably was, he’d been smart enough to know he couldn’t run away. He not only had no idea where he was, but he hadn’t wanted to leave us. “Robbie.” Beau’s deep voice resonated through the branches of the tree. “Son, are you there?” My heart clenched every time he said the word “son.” Robbie laying in the bed last night asking if I was going to be his mom popped into my memory. I want to be his mom. I cleared my throat and began to speak. “Robbie, we want you to come down and talk to us. You misunderstood what B—your dad said. Come on, buddy, get out of there before you fall and get hurt. We don’t want to spend our time together going to the hospital because you fell from a tree.” Beau nodded at me as he spotted Robbie, but there was still no response from the boy. “He’s high up in the tree. I’m going to go up there and get him.” “Uh, okay. Should I get the ladder? How will you get up there with your cast?” “I’ll manage. Are you coming up here like that?” He looked me up and down suggestively, and I realized it would make it rather hard to get in a tree in my current attire of the flimsy dress and sandals I’d put on in a hurry to find Robbie. “Get up there and get your son. I’ll be right back.” I watched as Beau grabbed the branches with his good hand, swung himself up easily, and made his way to Robbie. He seemed so small in that big tree. A smile played on my lips as I turned away to grab the ladder from the garage. Beau didn’t think he had it in him to be a dad, but he already was. He didn’t need to think about how to do a good job because he was a natural. After quickly changing into a pair of workout pants and sneakers, I hauled the ladder to the back yard. “Beau?” “Up here,” he said. “The view is great from here. Come on up and join us.” I heard nothing from Robbie, so I wondered if Beau had gotten him to talk at all. I set the ladder up and climbed the rungs until I could get to a branch. How in the hell had Robbie gotten up here? I heard whining from the ground and saw the neighbor’s dog lying down by the fence, watching us.

When I finally got into the tree, I immediately saw Beau but not Robbie. Making my way to him, I moved slowly to make sure the branches were sturdy. I wasn’t necessarily afraid of heights, but I sure as hell didn’t want to fall. Beau’s hand reached out for me as I got closer and I took it, settling next to him on an opposing branch. Robbie was within arms length but still far enough away to seem like he didn’t want to be bothered. “Well, there you are. I’m sure glad we found you, Robbie.” The look on Robbie’s face knocked the breath out of me, and there was no more time for joking. His gaze flitted to Beau and then back down. That’s when I saw that his knees were scraped and bleeding. I wasn’t sure what Beau had already tried, but we needed to get this child out of the tree. I thought about all the kids I’d talked to over the years, many of them upset about being taken from their families or from what they had been through in the process. It was time to pull out every strategy I’d ever been taught. “Robbie,” Beau said before I could say another word. “What you heard me say is not what I meant. Can I explain to you what I was talking about?” Robbie stiffened but didn’t say anything, his gaze focused on the bark of the branch he was sitting on. “Think about what we were talking about last night, Robbie. Do you think I don’t want you?” I watched as he worked his lip between his teeth, thinking about what Beau was saying. When Robbie still didn’t speak, I decided to interject. “Sometimes when you’re an adult, things happen that you aren’t prepared for. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t make you happy or doesn’t end up being the best thing, but things take you by surprise sometimes. Does that make sense?” Robbie glanced at me briefly, nodding his head once. He was listening. I heard Beau blow out a breath. Progress was progress. “That’s exactly what I meant by that.” Beau took over. “My whole life, I didn’t think I wanted to have kids. Remember when we talked about when we get upset and angry?” Robbie nodded again, but didn’t speak. “I didn’t want to ever be upset and angry with a child, so I decided not to have any. That doesn’t mean at all that I don’t want you, Robbie. I do want you. I wasn’t lying to you when I said that. I’m your dad, and I’m going to be here with you every single second. I’m sorry you had to hear me say that to April, but please believe me when I say I didn’t mean it at all the way it sounded.” Beau paused, giving Robbie a moment to absorb everything he’d said. For a man who didn’t like to talk and had been rather mute when I’d first met him, he was doing fabulous with expressing his feelings. Robbie hiccupped and then began crying, moving carefully so he was closer to both of us. His tearstained face looked up at the two of us, breaking my heart with every tear that slid down his face. “Robbie, we both want to be here with you. We aren’t leaving you. No matter what happens—whether it’s good, bad, or in-between, we’re going to be here with you.” As the words left my mouth, I hoped Beau was in this for the long haul, because I wasn’t going to disappoint this child. Maybe I’d been a little premature in assuming I’d be part of Robbie’s life for the long term, but I wanted to be. Beau reached out a hand and touched Robbie’s arm. “Robbie, I know we don’t know each other very

well yet, but I want that to change immediately. I’m going to the court to take official custody of you and ask them to declare me your legal guardian. Then I want to take you home with me.” Robbie lifted his head, his large eyes blinking as he digested the words. “You don’t live here?” “No. I live a few hours from here.” Robbie’s eyes snapped to mine. “But . . . she lives here?” Confusion furrowed his brow. My gut clenched, wondering how Beau was going to handle this one. “Yes. This is April’s house.” “B-but.” Robbie’s lip quivered again. “I thought you guys . . .” Beau smiled. “We’re going to figure that all out, Robbie. Don’t worry, okay? All you need to know is April and I are both going to be here for you.” My heart jumped in my chest. We’re both going to be here for you. His words reverberated around my head. We hadn’t had a single conversation about what was going to happen once Beau was ready to go home. After all, his band had been staying here since he’d been hospitalized and they all had to get back to their real lives soon. So he was saying I’d be included in their life. Their life. “I’m sorry for running away.” Robbie twisted his hands in his lap. “You scared us,” Beau said. “Next time you’re upset, can you promise me something?” He nodded, worrying his lip between his teeth again. “Don’t run away. Talk to me. We’re both men, right?” Robbie grinned at being called a man. “Yeah. We’re both men.” “So men stay and talk. We can figure whatever it is out, together.” “Okay.” Robbie shifted his eyes to me. I smiled and reached out for him. He moved gingerly and wrapped his arms around me. He looked back at Beau. “I’m really going to be Robbie Oliver Anderson?” “That’s right. Did you know that’s my middle name, too?” “Really?” Robbie said. “That’s so cool.” “Do you understand what your dad meant by what you heard him say?” I asked. Robbie nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry for not believing you, Dad.” “You don’t have to be sorry for anything.” Beau shifted on the branch. “But hey, can we get out of this tree? It hurts my a . . . butt to sit here.” Robbie giggled. “I know that word.” “I’m sure you do,” Beau said. “I’ve heard you say quite a few of them. But you aren’t saying them anymore, son.” He held on to the branch and helped me up. I reached the ladder first and reached for Robbie, settling him on the ground. I stood behind Beau to make sure he got down okay and then all three of us stood under the tree, crisis averted. “Dad? Can you do something?” Beau slung his arm across my shoulders and kissed my temple. His fingers began tapping a beat on my shoulder, and I smiled. There was my Beau. “Of course, buddy. What’s up.”

“Can you teach me to drum when we get home? I liked banging on the drums with your band.” Beau grinned. “Hell . . . heck yeah! That’s my boy!” Robbie whooped and led us into the house. Beau laced his fingers with mine as I closed the door behind us. “I want you with me.” His words were laced with promise and meaning. Whatever we needed to do, I’d make it happen.

Beau “I NEED YOU,” I said into the receiver. “Are you okay?” Concern laced her voice, and I fucking hated it. “Yes. Can you bring the band with you?” “Okay,” Natalie said, uncertainty drawing out the sounds. “It’s probably a good idea anyway because they’re going batshit crazy worrying over you. I barely kept them away from April’s house last night. The only thing that stopped them was knowing Robbie needed to have time. We need to make a plan on when we’re returning home. Allan’s been on my ass to schedule some events in New York and LA, too, but I’m trying to put him off.” “That’s going to have to wait. I’m not going to be traveling for a while. How soon do you think you can get over here?” “Let me see what Bex and Johnny are up to. I’ll call you right back.” Natalie paused. “How are you doing, Beau? Really? And how’s Robbie?” I was glad she’d given April and I last night and today with Robbie, especially after the crazy events of this morning. After we’d recovered from the near-fatal mistake I’d made with that comment, we’d settled in together quite well. I learned that Robbie loved hot dogs and hated peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. “He’s good. We had a few bumps, but things are great.” “Great. And April?” My eyes slid over to the two of them, and my heart filled with pride. April was in the kitchen showing Robbie how to make brownies. My heart tripped over itself as they both laughed. “Wonderful.” It was the only word I could think of to describe what was happening between us. Natalie sighed. “God, I’m so happy I could burst. Let me round them up and we’ll be over as soon as we can.” I hung up the phone and walked to the kitchen just as Robbie tasted the batter. He nodded, his eyes wide. “That’s so good! Can I eat more?” “No.” April laughed. “You’re the taster. See how it has eggs in it? They aren’t cooked, so we can’t eat a lot of that.” Robbie nodded, looking much younger than nine at that moment. “I’ve never made brownies before. I always thought they came in wrapped packages.” He laughed nervously.

“I love to bake, so you’re in the right place.” She turned and slid the pan into the oven. Robbie caught sight of me and smiled. It was almost like we hadn’t almost lost him a few hours ago from my stupid comment. I needed to be more careful with what I said and the way I said it. I had a child to think about now. “Is the band coming over?” Robbie asked, sliding onto the barstool next to me. I nodded. “Yes. They’re dying to spend time with you, now that you’re officially part of our family.” Robbie jumped up and down a little. “That’s so cool. I mean, Jaded Regret is a big deal, right?” I shrugged, trying to downplay it. “Well . . .” “Uh, yes, they are.” April interrupted me. “They’re a huge deal. Your dad is part the hottest rock band in the country, if not the world.” She might’ve been exaggerating slightly, but it made my heart swell with pride. “I want to listen to your songs,” Robbie said. Little did he know he was going to live this life with us now. I wondered how I’d manage going on tour and making promotional stops with Robbie. It wasn’t like I could leave him. Who would I leave him with? We had no family, and the family I did have would be with me on tour. How would he go to school? I shook my head. I wasn’t equipped for this sort of thing. I tapped my fingers on the counter. April covered my hands with hers, stopping my tapping. She eyed me but didn’t say anything. She was able to read me like Natalie did. I wasn’t sure if I loved it or hated it. “Of course you’ll hear all of their songs,” April answered for me. “You’re going to be around the band all the time now.” I thought again of Robbie being around all of them. What would it be like to have him there? I mean, we’d barely adjusted to Bex and Johnny having two children, and Robbie was older. “Do I get to go with you on tour?” Robbie’s question shifted my thinking and made me pay attention to my son. “Well, I would think so. Where I go, you’re going to go. I’m not sure what all that looks like right now, but we’ll figure it out as we get to it.” “I have a family,” he said. It was amazing how he could seem like a little boy and also like an adult within just a few seconds. “Yes, you do,” April said.

“Robbie, you remember Bex and her husband Johnny.” Robbie nodded, smiling politely. For a kid who hadn’t had much of a childhood, he sure had great manners. My chest filled with pride as I watched him. Bex put out her hand, and Robbie took it. “It’s so great to see you again, Robbie. These are my kids. Lennox, say hi to Robbie.” Lennox smiled. “Hi, Robbie!” Bex kissed Jaden on the forehead. “This is Jaden. He’s just a baby now, but he’ll be ready to run with you and Lennox very soon.”

Robbie looked back up at me and then back at Bex and the kids. I wondered what he was thinking. I watched Bex, thinking how different she was for the millionth time. Before Johnny and their kids, she would’ve never been crouched down talking to my child. My child. Even thinking that still sounded funny. “Hey, buddy.” Johnny shook his hand and ruffled his hair. “You okay with being stuck with all of us?” Robbie nodded. “Yes. It’s so cool that you’re my family.” Johnny’s eyes met mine and he nodded. “That we are, Robbie. From here on out. You can come to us with anything. Got it?” “Got it.” All of this was overwhelming for me, so God only knew where Robbie’s head was at. “Welcome to the family.” Tanner stepped forward, also shaking Robbie’s hand. “You seem like a cool kid. Are you gonna let your dad teach you to drum? You know he’s like the drummer in all of rock music, right?” Robbie’s mouth dropped slightly. “Really? Like the best one?” Tanner crossed his arms over his chest. “Yes.” “Wow,” Robbie whispered. “That’s super cool.” Tanner leaned down and whispered something in Robbie’s ear. He beamed and nodded. As long as Tanner wasn’t giving him hints on how to get women, we’d be all good. Everyone settled around the living room and kitchen area. Robbie and April offered the brownies they had made, and I watched every single one of them with Robbie. It was like he’d been here all along. Everyone made small talk, but I just sat and took it all in, trying to process everything that had happened over the last week. When I thought about the giant turn my life had taken, I almost couldn’t believe that it hadn’t been a dream. Robbie shoved another brownie into his mouth, his face covered in the chocolate fudge he and April had spread over the top. I should probably stop him since I was now his dad and all that shit, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him to stop eating them. I might regret that later. April shifted her eyes from him to me, her eyes lingering on mine long enough to make desire flood though my body. I was sure she’d noticed me being quiet, but it wasn’t that anything was wrong. I was just taking it all in and trying to memorize every detail of my new life. “Here, Lennox! Want another brownie?” Lennox turned her big eyes on Robbie. She’d taken to him immediately, not leaving his side since the band had arrived fifteen minutes ago. Jaden sat happily in Bex’s lap, watching the two children. “Wait, Robbie.” April said. “Let’s ask Lennox’s mommy if she can have more.” Oops. Yeah. I guessed I had a lot to learn about parenting. Thank God April was here. “It’s okay,” Bex said. “One more, Lennox. That’s all. I don’t want you to get a stomach ache.” The little girl nodded in agreement. April was here. We were in her house. But we had to leave to go home, and we wouldn’t be here anymore. What would that mean for April and me? What did I want it to mean? Panic shot through my body as I thought about doing this without her, and I didn’t just mean parenting Robbie. Life. How would I do life without her now?

I didn’t want to. But what should I do about that? I loved her. She loved me. But her life was here. Her job. Her parents. Would she want to give it all up to be the girlfriend of a drummer who spent a good portion of his life on the road? I had to talk to her about that before we thought about heading home, but I wanted to make sure I had it straight in my head what I wanted. My heart knew already. I wanted her to come with me, but was I asking too much? Our relationship was still so young and fragile. Hell, what she’d been through already with me should count for some major relationship points, right? All you can do is ask. The worst thing she can say is no. What if she did say no? What if she wasn’t ready to make that commitment yet? Well, I wouldn’t blame her if she wasn’t. It was huge of me to ask her to do any of this with me. But she’d said she loved me, too. You’re an amazing man, Beau Anderson. I love you. I smiled. I loved her voice in my head. For so long, the only voice in my head had been one of pain and anguish. This time, it was one of love and acceptance. April’s soft, soothing voice had taken the place of the angry, abusive one that had haunted me for years. “Beau.” Natalie’s voice broke into my thoughts. The whole band was watching me. Were they afraid of what I would do? “I’m just thinking,” I said to them. “Can you guys not look at me like I’m a freak show?” “We aren’t, Beau,” Bex said gently. “We want to make sure you’re okay.” “I’m more than okay.” I put my arm around April’s shoulders. “I promise.” They nodded and didn’t question me any further. I knew I’d scared the hell out of them, and they’d be like this for a while, but I would have to accept it. I’d done this to myself so it would come with the territory. “I’m having the things picked up from Beats today. I’m putting them in storage at home until we can figure out where all of it is going to go.” Bex looked at me. “Are you ready to go home, Beau?” I was afraid to see the expression on April’s face, so I avoided her gaze. “I am. More than ready.” Bex’s eyes shifted to Robbie and then back to me with a silent question. I nodded. “I have to make sure I’m allowed to take Robbie out of the county.” “It’ll be fine,” April said. “I can transfer the case down there. It’ll be a formality now since you’re his father, and you’re taking custody.” “So we can go whenever we’re ready?” Bex asked April. “Yes. Robbie will be free to go back home with you.” April didn’t look at me and my heart dropped. What did that mean? “What do you think, Beau?” Natalie asked, noticing the shift in the room. What did I think? I had no idea. Here I was, in the house of the woman I loved, talking about going

back to my home which was hours away. I should’ve talked to her about this before. I had to be a man. I had to show her exactly what I wanted and stand up for it right here and now, in front of everyone. “I need to talk to April first before I decide.” I shifted my gaze so I could see her face. Her mouth was slightly agape and her eyes were wide. I guess she hadn’t expected me to say something in front of them. “You guys are welcome to go home any time you want. I’m fine. I appreciate every single one of you being here at the lowest point in my life. But something crazy happened while I was . . . well, being crazy.” I paused. “My life changed a few months ago,” I continued, knowing I was telling the band but wanting April to know, too. “I met the most incredible woman. I didn’t think I ever wanted to be in love, but she showed me otherwise. She makes me want to be a better person, and she shows me a side of myself I didn’t know existed.” I swallowed, refusing to break my gaze from April’s, though my inclination was to shy away from anything that made me feel like my chest was ripping open. “She’s stuck by me even when it was scary and hard. I love her. The craziest part of it is that she loves me, too.” I heard Natalie crying again, but I couldn’t stop looking at April. Tears shimmered in her eyes as I declared my love for her in front of my family. I didn’t want her to think that me wanting to go home was in any way a reflection of my lack of feelings for her. “To be honest, I have no idea which way is up right now,” I said. “Having Robbie is something I never anticipated, but I know now I was meant to be his dad.” I felt Robbie lean his head against my arm, and I wrapped it around him, my eyes still locked on April. “I love you, April. I don’t know what you want or where we go from here. Your life is here, and I know this is a private conversation, and I’m sorry. I would never ask you to give up everything for me, but I want this. I want us. I know you and I need to figure out what we do from here, but I wanted you to know how I felt.” She nodded, tears spilling down her cheeks. Johnny and Tanner were silent while Natalie and Bex sniffled. This was also new for Bex, who had only begun showing emotion like this in the last few years. Lennox had gone to her mom’s lap, worried about what was happening. Bex stroked her back. “I want this, too. The rest we can figure out.” She leaned over and nestled into my neck. I could feel her tears against my skin. I had my whole world right here in my arms. I could die a happy man. Bex sniffled. “Damn. Why did you have to make me cry and shit, Beau? Come on, now.” We all laughed, lightening the mood. “Right? Who is this guy and what has he done with Beau?” Tanner joined in. “But, man, it’s all awesome. I know I give you shit, but you know I love ya, man. It’s good to see you happy. You deserve it.” The band was going to start heading home tomorrow, leaving Natalie and me behind to make sure things were set with Robbie. That gave me time to talk to April privately and figure out what we were doing. I never wanted her to regret making a decision she made in regards to me, so giving us the time to think it through made me much more confident. “We’ll see you at home.” Bex hugged me goodbye. “Bring her home with you,” she whispered into my

ear. I nodded. “I’m going to try.” “You’re a good dad. It’s all going to be great having Robbie around. He’s a good boy, and we will all be there for anything he—or you—needs.” Bex grabbed Lennox’s hand and walked to the door. “Thanks.” My throat was too thick to say anything else. “See you soon,” Johnny said, smacking my back. “Get your girl, Beau. Believe me when I say it’s amazing.” “I know. Thanks, Johnny.” Tanner followed, shaking my hand and wiggling his eyebrows at April behind us. I laughed and shoved him out the door, shutting it behind him. “Robbie,” Natalie said. “I had an idea. Would you like to go shopping with me and pick out some clothes and shoes? Plus, we need to decide what your room is going to be like at home if you want to find some ideas.” Robbie looked over at me, and I nodded. “Sure! That sounds fun.” Natalie met my gaze, and I mouthed thank you. She nodded, grabbing Robbie’s hand and heading for the door. The second the door clicked shut, I pulled April to me and held her, our hearts the only part of us talking.

April tipped her face back to look into mine. “Robbie did well with everyone. He’s not going to have any trouble fitting right in at home.” At home. She didn’t say your home or my home. Or our home. Just home. What did that mean? I nodded. “I’m proud of him. He scared the hell out of me today, but I’m glad he was able to get it back together after we talked.” “He wants to be loved,” she explained. “Once he understood, he forgot about it quickly. I wish I could say it would be the last of that, but you need to be prepared that it won’t.” “I need to get him in to see a children’s therapist at home.” I’d ask Dr. Mia for a good kid’s therapist. “Probably would be good for the two of you to go together as well.” Would she want to go with us? Was that too presumptuous to ask? Would she even be with us, or would we try a long distance relationship? “Good idea.” I brushed my lips against hers. She sighed, melting her body back into mine as our tongues twisted in a sensual dance. God, I loved this woman. “I love you,” I said against her lips. “I love you, too. Are you okay today?” She’d watched me this morning taking my arsenal of medication. I’d tried to hide it but she’d stopped me, telling me not to be embarrassed about it. I’m nervous as hell to have this conversation with you. “Yes, thank you. I am. I feel better than I have in a long time.” She stared at me, waiting. Did she read my mind? Probably. She was getting rather good at it. My

arms were clasped behind her back, and we were pressed together, our hearts beating in tandem with each other. “What is it?” “We need to talk,” I said. Her face dropped, and she stepped back from me. I hated I made her feel this way. “Nothing is bad, April. Come on, let’s go in the living room.” I held her hand as we walked together into the living room, settling on the couch. “I’m scared,” she admitted. “I’m not trying to scare you. I just want us to be on the same page as far as what we want to do now. I meant every word I said earlier. I want you to be a part of my life. But never, ever would I ask you to give up everything to come with me. This is your home. You’ve built your life here, and your family is here. That being said, I can’t live in Orlando. My band’s home is a few hours from here, and we are on the road a lot. So my question then is, do you want to date long distance and try to see each other as much as possible?” April twisted her fingers together, looking down as I finished talking. “Beau, answer me something.” “Anything.” “If we lived in the same town and this was a non-issue, what would you want to have happen now?” “I would want for us to at least be in each other’s daily lives. But honestly, I’d want you to move in with me. I’d want to wake up with you every single day, I’d want to slide in the shower behind you—once this fucker is off.” I indicated my cast. “And make love to you in the bed we’d share.” Sometimes I still shocked myself with the quantity of words I used. Never much of a talker, every time I found myself telling April exactly how I felt, it surprised me. April stared at me for so long I wondered if she heard me. Just when I was about to say something, she stood up. What the . . . ? Before I could think any further, she straddled me, taking my face in both of her hands. “I called this morning and asked for a transfer.” A transfer? What did she mean? A transfer to where? When she saw my confusion, she smiled. “I called my boss and asked to transfer offices.” My eyes widened as I understood. “Really? You did?” “I hoped I wasn’t being presumptuous, but I had to know.” “And what did he or she say?” “She said there were no openings in your area,” April explained. I swore I stopped breathing. Shit. “Oh.” April pressed her lips to mine. “So I quit.” “What?” She couldn’t do that. Not for me, not for anyone. “April, you can’t . . .” “Listen,” she said, putting her finger on my lips. She shifted, awakening my desire despite our serious conversation. “I talked to Bex when they were here.” She talked to Bex? When? About what? Her finger still on my lips kept me from responding. “She wants me to help her with the girls’ home, especially now that she wants to open this place with all the instruments. It’s a dream come true for me. I don’t have to work for a huge bureaucracy that I can’t control, but I still get to do what I love and help kids who need me.” April kissed me, my mind reeling as

our lips moved together. I gripped her hips as she began grinding on me. I wanted nothing more than to take her right here on this couch, but I needed to know more. I needed to know she wasn’t going to regret this. “Not only that.” April smiled as I adjusted myself. God, she made it so hard to think. “I want to be there for Robbie.” She . . . wanted to be there for Robbie? “You do?” It came out little more than a whisper. “Yes. I want to . . .” April broke eye contact, seemingly nervous about what she was going to say. “You don’t have to be worried to say what you think. I want to hear every single thing you have to say, all the time.” “I want to be his family,” she said. “I want us to raise him. Together. I know that’s probably too much, too soon, but I—” I grabbed her, fisting her hair with my good hand as I took every emotion running amok in my body and poured it into kissing her. She gasped as I assaulted her mouth with mine, sucking and biting until we both started ripping at each other’s clothes, in desperation to show the other how serious we were about what was happening here. I slid my fingers under her dress and into her wet center, groaning when she clamped down around me. She’d already ridded me of my shirt, and she was working her small hands on my pants at this moment. I sighed in relief when her hand found my hard length. I curved my fingers and pressed against her, hitting the spot I knew would send her directly over the edge. Using my mouth, I bit the strap of her dress and pulled it down, baring her chest to me. God, she was beautiful. I suckled her nipples as she rode my hand, her caress against my fevered skin almost making me lose it in her hand. “Beau, now.” I shifted so she could shove my pants down far enough and, without taking her dress or underwear off, I sank inside her. A line of expletives I wasn’t used to hearing from April came from her mouth as I filled her to the hilt. I loved her in every way. The prim and proper April, the caring and motherly April, and the hot as fuck dirty April. Her head fell back as she rode me. I moved my good hand from her hip down to where we were joined, feeling her tighten up as I began to circle her. “That’s right, April. Give it to me the way you want it, baby. That’s right. Ah, that right there. Keep going. Don’t stop.” “Yes.” April shut her eyes as she continued to ride me. God, I could get used to this. “Beau, you fit so perfect inside me. I love every second of being with you. Do it harder, baby. Harder. I need to . . .” She didn’t finish her thought because I did as she requested and we both shuddered as our release hit us at the same time. As I pumped into her, her eyes opened, and we watched each other come down from our natural high. Her face was flushed, and a smile played on her lips. Her gaze left mine and traveled down my chest and abs. “Gets hotter every time,” she said, her fingertips making goose bumps break out on my inked skin. “But then again, look at you. How could it not?” “Ditto, baby.” I cupped her full breasts. “Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

April smirked. “So I guess this insanely mind-blowing break-in of my couch means that you accept my offer to help you raise Robbie and come live down there with you?” She shifted but didn’t move. I knew we were probably both a mess and I was still inside her, but I didn’t want to move. “I don’t ever want to be a reason for you to regret anything in your life,” I said finally. I tapped a beat on her hips. “Beau Anderson, the only regret I would have would be if I let you go and didn’t do this. It won’t be perfect. It’ll be messy and stressful and sometimes the hardest thing we’ve ever done. But it’ll be ours. If you’re in, I’m in, one hundred and fifty percent.” “Come home with me. Live with me. Wake up next to me every single day.” I hadn’t a clue what she’d do with her house or how her family would react to that, but I had to have her. I couldn’t let her go. She kissed me so softly I barely felt it. Her face a few centimeters from mine, our eyes locked in an unspoken promise. A week ago, I thought I had nothing. Now, I knew I had everything.

“Close your eyes,” Natalie said as we approached Robbie’s new bedroom. In the week we’d been in Orlando wrapping things up to get ready to come home, Natalie had been busy. When she’d taken Robbie shopping before she’d left Orlando she’d not only gotten the child more clothes than he could ever wear before growing out of them, but also had asked him to pick out a theme for his room. He’d picked sports cars, which was interesting. We’d enjoyed our week together just as our “little family.” I’d talked to Dr. Mia in a few phone sessions, as well as Dr. Grant and Dr. Viola. My new meds were working well, and I was happier than I could ever remember being in my life. Because Bex had wiped out Beats, I hadn’t been able to show Robbie how to play or play myself since the day I’d been released from the hospital. I planned to take him to my home studio later today and let him bang the hell out of the drum kit. For the first time, I was okay. I had April and Robbie, and they not only kept my thoughts calm but my heart full. We’d done every single thing together over the last week, from talking to April’s parents and introducing Robbie to them, to the court date April had made happen to give me official custody of my son and place my name on his birth certificate. She’d said goodbye to her friends and coworkers, who had all been tearful. We’d played games, taught Robbie to ride a bike and ridden around April’s neighborhood together, and he’d been cooking a lot with April while I watched. I wasn’t any good in the kitchen, but I sure as hell loved to watch her. I loved to watch her do everything. She continued to say her decision was final, and she was happy with it. She and Bex had been talking on the phone daily about the plans for the music equipment and April’s role in the girls’ home. She’d told me she wanted to work only part time at first, to be able to be there for Robbie as he adjusted. We’d decided to homeschool Robbie, with a tutor coming in part time and April helping with the rest. With the band’s schedule so unpredictable, he would be able to continue his studies while we traveled.

Plus, we’d found out through the testing he’d done in Orlando that despite being in and out of school for the last four years and being born addicted to drugs, he was smart and was ahead of his academic age. I had an appointment with a child’s psychologist next week with Robbie, and April wanted to come, too. He’d had no other issues since the day he almost ran away, but I didn’t want to take any chances. I wanted a full battery of tests done on him, and if he needed meds, I wanted to help him. I wasn’t ever going to be that parent that shoved my child’s problems under the rug or blamed him for them. He needed the best chance of having a full life, and I was going to give it to him. Auntie Nat, as Robbie had taken to calling her, opened the bedroom door as Robbie squeezed his eyes shut. He was almost bouncing on the balls of his feet; he was so excited. Gone was the child we’d met at the group home. It was almost like he wasn’t the same person now. Hell, I wasn’t the same person, either, so I could understand that. As the door swung open, April grabbed my hand. We’d moved her things down here and put them in a storage facility until she could decide what she needed or not. Her parents were handling the sale of her home in Orlando and had been nothing but supportive of what she had wanted. They’d loved Robbie, and when I had pulled her dad aside to talk to him man-to-man, he’d been glassy-eyed and happy. They’d miss her, but we were only a few hours away. Robbie gasped as he saw his room for the first time. Natalie had outdone herself, as usual. The walls were a medium gray with huge, life-sized cars on each wall. His dresser and side table were black with shiny silver handles that had emblems of cars on them. He had a full sized bed with what must’ve been a custom bedspread covered in all of Robbie’s favorites. A large, fluffy rug sat on the floor next to his bed, and the floors were done in a dark mahogany wood. I hardly recognized our guest room from what it had been before. Robbie ran his fingers along the dresser, taking in the pictures of all of the cars. Something across the room caught his attention, and he walked over to a bookshelf that was full of brand new books. On the top shelves were model cars, also his favorites. He didn’t say a word as he continued to look, taking in every single thing. He opened the closet and saw all the clothes they’d bought, with brand new shoes on a shelf below. Toy bins held Legos and remote control cars. Every boy’s dream. “Wow,” Robbie said finally. “This is all mine?” “Every single bit,” Natalie said, her voice gruff. She loved that kid as much as we did. “Thank you.” Robbie ran his fingers along one of the toy cars. “I’ve never lived in something as nice as this.” It gutted me every single time he said something like that. Both April and Dr. Mia had told me I needed to let it go, to let him express himself without fear that I’d have an adverse reaction to it. I was trying, but damn it was hard to hear how my boy had lived before. “Auntie Nat did a great job.” April ruffled Robbie’s hair. He wrapped his arms around her waist, still taking it all in. “Thank you,” I said to Natalie. She nodded, her eyes full of tears. “He deserves it and then some.” She crouched down to hug Robbie. He went to her willingly. If there

was something my boy was, it was affectionate. For as standoffish as he’d been when we first met him, now he was always hugging one of us or holding our hand. I’d never been much of a touchy-feely person but with April and Robbie, I craved it. Loved it. Natalie had offered to find her own place to live, but neither April nor I would hear anything of it. Our house was plenty big for all of us, and I’d never kick Natalie out of her house. I’d love to see her find someone worthy of her and settle down, but otherwise, she wasn’t leaving. Natalie had been able to convince Allan that Jaded Regret needed to take a breather for a few months. Robbie was okay, and so was I, but we needed time at home to settle down before we had to travel again. The rumor mill had settled down about me after a few pictures had surfaced from the worst day of my life. For a few weeks, Jaded Regret had been trending on all social media while people claimed to have seen or talked to me. None of it had been true, of course. Allan had done damage control and said Jaded Regret was spending time in Orlando, relaxing together. Somehow it had flown, and it had never gotten out what we were doing there, thankfully. I was doing much better with everything, but I certainly didn’t want the whole world knowing I’d had a breakdown and tried to kill myself. Every time I thought about that getting out it made my heart pound and my head hurt. The media hadn’t picked up yet on the fact that Robbie was with me wherever I went, or April either for that matter. I wasn’t worried about her; she could handle herself. I didn’t mind if they found out, but that meant April had to deal with the stuff we did on a daily basis. We’d have to talk about Robbie eventually because he was going with me wherever I went. “What do you think, Dad?” Robbie’s voice shook me from my thoughts. “I think I want this room. Thanks for doing that for me, Nat,” I joked. Robbie laughed. “Nooooo. This is my room. You share the big room with Mom.” We froze, all of us realizing at the same time what Robbie had said. He’d been calling me Dad easily, but he’d just been calling April by her name. It was huge for him, because the person he saw as his mom all his life had not only picked drugs over him, she’d left him in the worst possible way. He connected that name with instability and confusion, but it seemed he was ready for a new person to take that serious role. When he saw the shock on all of our faces, tears filled his eyes and he broke away from me. “I didn’t mean . . .” April dropped to the floor and pulled Robbie into her arms. She began crying, just like I knew she would. April was a fantastic mother. Despite the fact that being with me made her an insta-mom, she was born for the role. She was the most nurturing, loving person I’d ever known. “You called me Mom,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. Robbie watched her, wondering if she was upset or happy. He didn’t understand the simplest kinds of body language. I wondered for the millionth time what his mother had taught him, but I’d been told not to push him. When and if he wanted to talk about Robyn, he’d tell me. “You just made her so happy,” I explained. “Do you see her happy tears? You did that, Robbie.” “I made her cry,” he said.

“No.” April wiped her eyes. “Not in a bad way. You made my heart so happy it’s leaking out of my eyes. I love you, Robbie. I want nothing more than to be your mom.” “Really? So I have a mom and dad? Both?” I dropped to the floor next to them and wrapped my arms around them. “You sure do, buddy.” “And an aunt who loves you,” Natalie said. “I swear, every single time I’m around you guys I start bawling like a baby. I need help.” We all laughed, and Robbie bounced up, his trepidation forgotten. “Will you show me your drums now?”

Beau “ARE WE READY?” My fingers moved like lightning on my pants. I’d finally gotten my cast off after eight long weeks wearing the fucker. It wasn’t a good idea to punch concrete, for future reference. Especially when you were a drummer. “We’re ready,” Bex said, grinning. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” “Who would’ve ever thought we’d see the day,” Tanner quipped. “After all those bras thrown at you and you just passed them on to me.” I rolled my eyes. “Tanner, it’s you we don’t know if we’ll ever see the day with. It’s because I never did any of that I got a girl like her.” Tanner shook his head. “Nah. One woman isn’t for me, bro. I can’t do that shit. Best of luck to all you guys.” “Anyway.” Johnny interrupted him, giving Tanner the eye. He hated when Tanner acted like women were just a piece of meat because it reminded him of what he used to think about relationships. “It’s all set up. You tell us when to be there.” I checked my watch, calculating what a good time would be. April had Robbie at the new center, and I told her I’d meet her there once I was done rehearsing with the band. She didn’t know what I was rehearsing for, of course. “Be there by six.” Natalie popped her head in. She didn’t know what was going on because I wanted it to be a surprise, so we all stopped talking. “Hey, guys. You done for the day?” “Yep,” Bex said. “We all have shit to do, and we were working through some new material.” She winked at me. “Cool,” Natalie said. “I’ve got office stuff to do so you don’t have to lock up.” “You coming to the center tonight?” Bex asked. Good, it was better coming from her. Natalie looked at her like she had three heads. “Duh. Of course I would. It’s the grand opening of one of your dreams, Bex. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Bex beamed. “Awesome. Let’s get out of here. I need a nap before tonight.” Johnny snorted and smacked her ass. “I know what that’s code for.” Bex narrowed her eyes at him. “It’s code for a nap.” I didn’t miss the smirk on her lips, though. Tanner groaned, and we all laughed as we left the studio together. My hands shook as I pulled out my

keys, but I forced it away. Tonight was going to be epic.

“Are you ready?” I paced the floor in our bedroom. It was five minutes to six, and we were ten minutes away from the new center. Bex had been working hard on it for the last two months since we’d been back. April had been spending tons of hours over there with her, getting everything ready for this opening. Robbie had been doing school at home and doing well. He was in therapy with both of us and by himself. We’d had a few hurdles to cross along the way, but nothing like how he’d been in the group home. His testing was all complete, and we had an appointment next week to discuss the results. We didn’t see any need for him to be medicated as of right now, especially since he spent all his time with us, but I wanted to make sure I crossed all the T’s and dotted all the I’s. “Two minutes,” she said. I watched as she leaned over the sink in the bathroom, checking her eye makeup. My breath caught in my throat as I caught sight of her. She was mine. It still shocked me I was living this life. If someone had told me a year ago this would be where I was, about to do the scariest thing in my life, I would’ve said no way. Her dark hair was down and straightened, reaching almost her mid back. She was wearing a modest black dress and pearls. My dick stirred as I thought of having her while wearing just those pearls. Heels made her sexy legs seem longer. I glanced down at myself. I had on a dark pair of jeans, boots, and my signature Henley. I wondered if I should’ve dressed up a little more, but then she’d know something was up. I was already acting funny, and I knew it. Robbie skidded into the room, dressed almost identical to me. I laughed. “Well, look at you!” He grinned. “Do I look like you, Dad?” “You sure do! That’s awesome! Hey . . .” I lowered my voice. “Are you ready for tonight?” Robbie shifted his gaze to the bathroom, where April was now applying lipstick. I got distracted watching her paint those full, beautiful lips, thinking of them wrapped around my . . . “Yes,” Robbie said in a whisper. “It’s our secret, right, Dad?” “That’s right. Just ours. Now if we could get your mom out of here, we won’t be late.” “Mom!” Robbie called. “We gotta go!” “I’m ready!” April said. She grabbed a small purse from the dresser, and her eyes met mine. I loved having her here. Seeing her makeup on my counter and her clothes in my closet fulfilled me like I never thought it would. She wrapped her fingers in mine and smiled at me, her eyes showing me what her words couldn’t say with a child in the room. “Aren’t you handsome.” She kissed me lightly as not to mess up her lipstick. Hell, I’d gladly walk into the center wearing her lipstick. “So are you, Little Beau,” she said to Robbie. “You’re beautiful, too, Mom,” Robbie said. Damn, that kid was smooth. He was always telling April how pretty she was. He had skills already, and he wasn’t even ten years old. “What he said.” I tickled Robbie’s side. “Don’t be trying to take my woman.”

He shook his head. “I’m not, Dad. But she is pretty.” “The prettiest damn woman I’ve ever seen.” I placed my hand on her back and leading them all to the car. This was it.

April flitted around the room, making sure everything was in place for the grand opening. This had become her baby, and she was so proud of how it had turned out. They’d found a fantastic place for it. It had once been a small assisted living home, but it had gone into foreclosure. Jaded Regret had bought the building and had it cleaned and fixed up over the last two months. Now it had an enormous rec space with a large screen for watching movies, an entirely separate area that was soundproofed for playing music, a kitchen with cafeteria-like seating, and an immense outdoor living space, pool included. Basketball courts were out back behind the pool. It also had a few rooms Bex had already decided would be used for onsite counseling. It would be the hottest hangout space this area had ever seen, and it was all to keep the teens who were growing up in the foster care system off the streets and in a place where they could be safe. They would get music lessons for free. We would teach them when we were in town, and if we weren’t here, we had hired wonderful people to fill in for us. The place would be run by a staff April had employed, with her at the helm. If she was on tour with us—because I wanted her with me at all times— then her second in command would step in. They had a great plan, and I couldn’t wait to see it. We wouldn’t have teens here tonight. We would have people invited only by us. They were local people who had supported us and helped not only us become successful, but this center become a reality. April’s parents were coming from Orlando, but she didn’t know that yet. All our new employees were also going to be here with their families. It would be a tight knit group of people who were important in our lives, and that was the way we wanted it. Especially for what I had planned. We would play to begin the night and then again to conclude the night. That was the moment I was impatiently waiting for, but I knew I had to allow April the time she needed to be in her element. The way she moved through the room, Robbie on her heels, warmed my heart. Once he’d learned about April’s mom being a foster kid also, as well as Bex, he’d wanted nothing more than to work with them and help them get this place together, and he’d been here with her almost every day. He was a great kid. While school was important, the life lessons he would learn here could take him further than any knowledge he got from a book. “Let’s get set up.” Bex walked up next to me. “You okay?” “Great.” I followed her into the large room adjoining the one we were standing in. We’d had our equipment set up the way we liked it, so it was ready. I gazed around the large space that had been remodeled. All types of instruments sat on shelves and in cabinets, waiting to be used. Tanner was already there, warming up. Johnny followed after Bex and me and we all got to work,

preparing to play in just minutes. I stared, not touching my drumsticks. “Hey,” Bex said. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing. I’m just nervous,” I explained. She smiled. “Don’t be nervous. That woman loves you with every fiber of her being. And Robbie.” I nodded, picking up my drumsticks and tapping them a few times. I was ready. I could do this. Once Natalie escorted everyone into the room, Bex introduced them, and we played a few songs. April and Robbie watched me the entire time. He was a quick study and was learning fast. He wanted to try the guitar next, and I couldn’t wait to see which instrument he chose—if any. I would never pressure him to be anything he didn’t want to be. Whatever his dreams were, I’d support them. Dinner was a blur. I was barely conscious of April sitting next to me and Robbie next to her. Bex kept kicking me under the table, but I couldn’t seem to fake it. I was freaking out. I was nervous as hell. I was waiting for the voice of my mother to pop into my head, so it made me uneasy. She’d been way too quiet lately. The food was fantastic, but I could barely eat. Bex and April had the event catered from one of the Italian restaurants in town. They had donated all the food once they’d heard what we were doing. It was amazing the number of people that genuinely wanted to help. “I need to do some tours,” April said into my ear. “Are you okay? Do you want to come with me or stay here?” I needed to go with her, to show her I was okay. I wasn’t good at faking. I needed this night to be over, so I knew one way or another where my life was headed. Sitting here might drive me out of my mind, however. I stood, pasting a smile on my face. “Let’s do some tours.”

Despite my nerves being shot, it was time. I was ready. We took the makeshift stage, April front and center. Robbie was at her side, ready to come up when I motioned for him. The band all watched me, waiting for my cue to start. I had to do this. I could do this. It had been my idea, after all. No one was holding a gun to my head and saying I needed to do it this way. I saw April’s parents toward the back. They’d been a little late, but they were here. After the shock had worn off that her parents were there to see her, I’d seen the pride in their eyes when April had taken them around and showed them what she’d be doing here. And when her dad had shaken my hand and smiled like he knew exactly what they were doing here, I swear I almost threw up. Johnny and Bex started with a slow guitar chord progression, both of them looking at one another as they played with the slide guitar. Tanner was playing the pedal steel. We didn’t use it during our regular sets, but Bex had gotten one from Beats, so he was using it for this song. I had chosen a song that wasn’t ours, but I wished it was. One of my favorite bands was Staind, and they had this song called “Tangled Up in You” that spoke to exactly how I felt about April. I wasn’t needed for this song, so me sitting behind my

drums was purely for looks until it was my turn to come out. Johnny’s voice started the song. The low, gravelly sound reverberated around the room as he began the lyrics. Bex joined in after a few chords and the two of them belted out the song that shredded my heart to pieces. Not because it was sad, but because it explained everything to her. I watched her. At first, her eyes were on Bex and Johnny as they sang, but once she heard the lyrics, her eyes shifted to mine. When they got to the part that talked about the “hand to hold as I grow old,” I stood. My hands were sweaty as I put the drumsticks down on my seat and stepped around my drum kit. April watched me as I walked to the middle of the makeshift stage, Bex and Johnny’s voices surrounding me. Robbie beamed as I indicated for him to come up. April’s mouth dropped, and a buzz started in the room as Robbie came up next to me on the stage. He walked over to Tanner and played a few notes on the pedal steel that he’d practiced with him. April’s eyes widened as she saw Robbie playing. I waited for the point in the song when I’d ask April to come up onto the stage with me. When they approached the part I was waiting for, about hoping it never ends and wanting it forever, I walked to the edge of the stage and held out my hand for April. She took my hand and came up next to me, her expression one of apprehension and confusion. She’d know soon enough what I wanted from her. All I could hope and pray now was that she was ready for it. As Bex and Johnny reached the chorus, the song winding down, I took her hands in mine and began to mouth the words to her. I wasn’t a singer, and I wouldn’t want to overshadow the powerfulness of this song by distracting from what they were doing. But I wanted her to hear the lyrics—really hear them. I meant every word of this song. She was my lifeline, my medicine, my light in the darkness. Every part of her was tangled with me, and I wanted it to stay that way. I never wanted to be without her again. As the song wound down, I licked my lips nervously. My throat was dry, and I felt like I’d swallowed rocks with my dinner. But I had to push that all aside and tell her exactly what I wanted her to know. The crowd clapped and hollered, but they got under control quickly as they realized whatever they saw onstage wasn’t over yet. I cleared my throat. I hated talking in front of people. I caught Natalie’s eyes, and she had her hands over her mouth, obviously figuring out what I was doing. I was glad I hadn’t told her. Robbie came up next to me, his debut of playing now complete. “April,” I said, my voice shaking. “I wish I would’ve written this song because I could’ve written it for you. From the second I saw you, you’ve had me tangled up over you. I never thought I deserved you, and I still don’t. But that’s neither here nor there because I love you. You’ve been there for me at my lowest, and I want you to be there at my highest. You love my son like he’s your own, and you make me feel like I can do anything.” I watched as Robbie took the small pouch out of his pants. Yes, I had entrusted my nine-year-old with the ring. He was less nervous than me. Her eyes zeroed in on the ring Robbie placed in my hand. “Apr—Mom,” Robbie said. “I never had two parents before. I love both you guys, and I want us to be a real family. Will you marry my dad?” When the words crossed his lips, I dropped to one knee, holding the ring between my fingers. April took her hands and covered her mouth, a small squeak of surprise coming before she began crying. The

crowd gasped and then awed, waiting for her response. “April Knight, will you be my wife? Will you grow old with me?” The soft chords of the song started again as Bex and Johnny began playing softly. April’s eyes shifted to them, out at her parents in the crowd, and then back to us. My stomach was in knots wondering what in the hell she was thinking. “Yes,” she whispered. “YES!” I stood, grabbing Robbie and both of us held on to her like she was the last life preserver we had. Well, maybe she was. I slid the ring on her finger to deafening applause and cat calls. “I love you,” she cried against my chest. “I love both of you. This is the best day of my life.” Robbie and I exchanged a glance. “Us too.” I kissed my fiancée while our guests continued to cheer. I knew Natalie was probably sobbing and possibly Bex, too. Years ago, I would’ve said no, but now it was probable. Johnny was probably holding her, remembering his proposal. Tanner was more than likely shaking his head that he was now the only single one in the band, but happy he’d get all the ladies for sure now. I couldn’t worry about any of them. I had everything, right here in my arms. I’d thought love would never be in the cards for me, and that banging my drums would have to be enough to fulfill me. I’d allowed life to snare me into believing I wasn’t worth anything and was incapable of loving anyone. I’d met my son because of April, and the two of them had shown me life doesn’t have to hold you down or keep you trapped under years of self-imposed lockdown. I couldn’t imagine my life without either one of them now, and now I knew I wouldn’t ever have to be alone again. Love was a snare I would gladly choose over, over, and over again. THE END

One Year Later I WALKED INTO the darkness, searching for April. She’d come in here to change an hour ago and hadn’t come back out. I’d been in Robbie’s bedroom playing with him before bed and hadn’t noticed she wasn’t back out in the living room. I was trying to be quiet but, of course, I stubbed my toe against something. “Shit.” I stopped for a second to bite my lip against the pain. It was probably something Robbie had left out. At least I hadn’t stepped on a damn Lego. That was enough to send you screaming into next week. He was passed out from all the excitement of today. At almost eleven years old, he was my absolute pride and joy. We’d taken him everywhere with us for the last year, including another tour across the United States that took us from home for three months, and being with him twenty-four seven was awesome. He loved playing the guitar and keyboard and was tearing up lessons. He was a natural, and it helped him with stress, just like me. With regular therapy sessions and a lot of talking, he was doing well and was as normal as any ten-yearold boy could be. We’d watch him as he got older, but with the stability of having a family, he’d been able to stay medication free. My eyes adjusted and I spotted her, curled up on the bed. I walked closer and settled myself on the edge of the bed, careful not to disturb either of them. I watched as both of their chests rose and fell with slumber. I knew my wife was exhausted, but she refused to admit it. We were alike in more ways than we might have originally thought. I reached out and stroked my daughter’s face. She was so angelic, laying next to her mommy. She had dark hair like both April and me and blue eyes, though we’d heard that they could change. When April had wanted to name her Olivia after my middle name, I’d hesitated. Robbie had my middle name, even though I never knew Robyn had known it. Would my daughter want to be named after me, too? In the end, April got her way and Olivia Lucia Anderson was named after me and April’s sister, Lucia. She’d been born three days ago, and we’d brought her home today. April had officially adopted Robbie just months after we got married. After I had proposed the night the center opened, we put together a small ceremony within weeks and got married. There wasn’t any reason for a huge affair, and we hadn’t wanted to wait. Right after that, we’d gone back on tour. My sister had bought her own house after April and I got married. She was a wonderful aunt to Robbie but still hadn’t moved on from living her whole life to manage Jaded Regret. While we needed her, it was time for Natalie to have her own life, too. She no longer had to worry about babysitting her

little brother all the time. Being married to April was beyond my wildest dreams and expectations. She was the most caring, selfless person I’d ever known in my life. While living on the road for three months was a hard thing to endure, we’d made the most of it and bonded as a family. When we’d returned from tour, April had gone right back to working at the center like she did the whole time we were home. It was then that she met Lindsey, a young teen who was new to the center. She’d been in foster care almost her whole life and was about to turn eighteen and be on her own. Bex and April had been working on getting her into Bex’s subsidized housing for kids who were about to age out when she’d come to April saying she was pregnant. She’d wanted to get an abortion. April had given her a better idea. I’d never forget the day April came home and broached the subject of us having another child in our home. April knew I didn’t want any more biologically and the conversation about me having a reversal had never been brought up since April respected my feelings. But when she told me about Lindsey, I’d gotten that same stir I felt when I saw Robbie. We had the chance to raise a baby together without me having to worry about the implications of one with my DNA. I’d had no further episodes since the one over a year ago, and I wanted to keep it that way. Lindsey had given birth to Olivia three days ago. The night she went into labor, she was at our house, where she’d been a lot over the last nine months. We loved her and wanted what was best for her. We’d told her she could be as much a part of Olivia’s life as she wanted, but we wondered if we would see her again, despite how close she and April had become during this whole process. Olivia stirred, and I lifted her from the bed, settling her in my arms. She squirmed and then stilled, pursing her lips in her dreams. April had stayed with Lindsey every moment in the hospital. It had been touch and go there for a while since April wasn’t sure if Lindsey would change her mind once she saw her daughter. But if anything, she’d been more resolved than ever to give her to us. She was in no position to be a parent and knew Olivia would be better off with us. “Your mommy is exhausted,” I whispered to the sleeping baby. “She’s been worried about you for a long time.” We’d found out months ago that we were having a little girl, and April had been over the moon. The nursery was decked out in frill and lace, as was the large closet holding all of her little outfits. We’d been worried about Robbie’s reaction to having to share the spotlight with us, but since we’d been home, he’d wanted to hold her and be next to us with her the whole time. We weren’t naïve enough to think it would be all smooth sailing, but we’d had a full year with him to adjust to our family. I knew April wanted Olivia in the little bedside crib thing she’d gotten, so I kissed her forehead and lay her gently in there. She shifted and then stilled. I watched her chest rise and fall and thought about how much my life had changed in the last year. Almost a year and a half ago I first laid eyes on April Knight, now April Anderson. I walked over to our bed and covered her sleeping body with the blanket. April’s dark hair was fanned behind her, and her lips were open slightly. The urge to kiss her almost consumed me, but I knew I needed to let her sleep.

From what I knew about babies, we would be up soon to feed the little angel. I thought back to that scared little boy, five years old and having lost everything when his dad killed himself. For the first time in a long time, I knew my life had a purpose. In this case, it had three—okay, four if you counted drumming. I no longer heard my mother’s evil voice or felt like the world was better off without me. I’d put both her and my father behind me. I was only moving forward now. I had people in my life who loved me, and I loved them, too. I slid into bed next to my wife and pulled her flush to me, right where I loved her. She sighed in her sleep and rested her head on my bare chest, snaking her hand around me. My new daughter slept next to us, and my son down the hall. Somewhere along the way, I’d learned to listen to more than just the beat of my drums. The beat of my heart became the most powerful sound of all. I knew now that April, Robbie, and now Olivia were my purpose in life, and that I was more than just a drummer, after all.

THANK YOU TO my fantastic readers, both those that have eagerly awaited every one of my books and the ones that will choose this book to be your first L.L. Collins romance. Thank you for taking a chance on me. To Kristen, my #POS4Eva. I can’t believe we weren’t in each other’s lives before this year. Now I don’t know what I would do without you, and I don’t want to know. It was totally fate that put us together that day. Thank you for needing to mail packages that day, too. Also, thank you, thank you, thank you, for the hours you spent on this book, and for being an amazing confidant and friend. Here’s to many more Starbucks dates. I love you x1,000. To Tracey, my right hand woman. Thank you for your continued love and support. One more book down, many more to go. To Mary Ellen, this year we’ve sure learned a lot, and yet here we are, together. Thank you for being you, and being real. To my beta readers, who shall remain nameless but know I love them just the same, thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to help me make my book better. I couldn’t do it without you. To my family, who continues to support me and ask me, ‘What number book is this now?’ or, ‘Are you writing again?’ To the many amazing authors that I call friends, thank you for your words of encouragement and your support. Please consider leaving a review at your point of purchase after reading. It helps more than you know. Help support indie authors and if you loved it, tell a friend or two. It’s more appreciated than we can express. Support getting new books to choose from and purchase your books, don’t get them for free from a piracy site.

THE LIVING AGAIN SERIES: Can all be read as standalones Living Again (Living Again #1) Living Again Reaching Rachel (Living Again #2) Reaching Rachel Guarding Hearts (Living Again #3) Guarding Hearts Finding Forever (Living Again #4) Finding Forever Breaking Free: A Living Again Novella (Living Again #4.5) Breaking Free Boxed Set Amazon:Boxed Set THE TWISTED SERIES *Are NOT standalones Twisted Souls (Twisted #1) Twisted Souls Twisted Paths (Twisted #2) Twisted Paths STANDALONES Back to the Drawing Board Back to the Drawing Board Sentenced Sentenced Want to keep up to date on all things L.L. Collins? Amazon author page

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L.L. Collins loves spending her days in the Florida sun with her husband and two boys, reading, and writing. LL has been writing since she was old enough to write. Always a story in her head, she finally decided to let the characters out and make her lifelong dream of becoming an author come true in the selfpublishing world. She’s the author of the Living Again Series and the Twisted Series, plus standalones Back to the Drawing Board, SENTENCED, and now Snared: A Jaded Regret Novel. Visit LL on her website, www.llcollinsauthor.com and on all social media. Look for more of her emotionally charged novels soon! Contact L.L. Wattpad | Facebook | Twitter Pinterest | Instagram | Goodreads | Google Plus Subscribe to L.L.’s newsletter: Subscribe Here Visit L.L.’s Amazon Author: Visit Here

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