Offbeat (Offbeat #1) - S. Moose

Copyright Offbeat Book 1 in the Offbeat series Copyright © 2015 by S. Moose All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used factiously, and any resemblance to any actual person, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner. All rights reserved. Photography and cover design by Allan Spiers @ Allen Spiers Photography http://www.allanspiers.com https://www.facebook.com/AllanSpiersPhotography Interior Formatting by Cassy Roop @ Pink Ink Designs (http://www.pinkinkdesigns.com) Model: Gunnar DeWitt https://www.facebook.com/pages/Gunnar-DeWitt/691299197635070 Editing by Kellie Montgomery Proofreading by Jessica Glover



Offbeat Playlist Other books by S. Moose Dedication Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34 Acknowledgements About the Author





Cut by Plumb Come Back When You Can by Barcelona Fix A Heart by Demi Lovato Love You Like That By Canaan Smith Photograph by Ed Sheeran How Did I Fall In Love With You by Backstreet Boys From Where You Are by Lifehouse Fight Song by Rachel Platten Why Can’t I? by Liz Phair Hate That I Love You by Rihanna Thinking Of You by Katy Perry In Your Arms by Nico & Vinz Don’t Deserve You by Plumb Be Still by The Fray See You Again by Wiz Khalifa feat. Charlie Puth Wherever You Will Go by The Calling Goodbye by Who Is Fancy

Other books by S. Moose Never Letting Go series Reaching Out For You Holding Onto You Next to Forever Infinity Series Vision of Love Vision of Destiny Vision of Hope Interrupted Series Interrupted Vol 1 Interrupted Vol 2 Interrupted Vol 3 Standalones Teach Me Love Beautiful Lessons with Rebecca Brooke Take Me Away

Dedication To the one who makes me strong and believes in me. Without you I wouldn’t know what a forever love is. You are my forever, Kevin.

Dear Tyler, People say you fall in love only once, and when you find that love you have to hold on tight and never let go. They say when you look into the eyes of love your heart beats wild and free; nothing else matters. The air around you becomes too thick and unless you’re holding on to love’s hand, you’ll suffocate. That love is the most important thing, and your reason to wake up with a smile on your face. When we first met, I didn’t think it was possible to fall in love. You were this little boy with bright blue eyes and brown hair. I went to my mom and told her I found Prince Charming. For seven years you stayed by my side and were my best friend. On my 12th birthday, you asked me to be your girlfriend and that was the best gift ever. You’ve been my light, my reason, for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I wonder what life will be like without you and I can’t imagine it. We’ve been through so much together and have stood by each other’s side. I never needed to date other guys and you never doubted your love for me. The thing is . . . Sometimes love isn’t enough; the most powerful feeling in the world, the one feeling people want to experience, just can’t fix everything. That’s the problem when bad things happen to good people. I don’t even know where to start. I could go on and on about how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I can tell you that you’re my world and the very reason I can breathe. You’ve fixed my heart so many times¸ but this time you can’t. I have to let you go. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how else to tell you this, because I know if I look into your blue eyes I’ll take back everything. I know you think I’m selfish, but I’m doing this for you. You deserve the world. You deserve someone who isn’t broken. I’m giving you the chance to live again without worrying about me. I won’t ask you to wait for me and I won’t promise you I’ll get better, because I don’t know when or if I will. I know that if I make that promise you’ll stop living your life and wait around for me. I can’t allow that to happen. The problem with making promises is that there’s no guarantee they can be kept. Promises set up expectations, and expectations leads to disappointment and resentment. That’s why I have to do this, so you don’t miss out on your life. Please find someone who’ll bring the light back into your eyes . . . for me. She’s going to be the luckiest girl, because you’re an amazing guy. The past seventeen years have been magical and I’ll never let go of everything we’ve experienced together. Please don’t hate me. I beg this of you. I want you in my life. You’re my best friend and that’s something I can’t let go of. My love for you will remain and maybe one day, if I get better, we can find our way again. Until then I need you to move on and be happy; the way you’re supposed to live. I need you to understand my reasoning for this letter, and when you’re ready to talk to me, I’ll be here. There will never be a day that I don’t think about you. I love you so much, Tyler Scott. You’ll continue to be the reason my heart beats, forever. Forever yours, Bay

I hold the letter in my hands, reading the words through my blurry vision. The pain in my chest rips through and the madness in my head is spiraling out of control. My eyes search the letter. Maybe she wrote something to give me a clue that she just needs space and she doesn’t truly mean what she’s written. Girls are like that. They’ll say one thing and mean something totally different. Bayleigh is the queen of being secretive and tries hard to hide how she really feels from me. The only time I can get her to open up is when we’re face to face. Throughout the years I’ve studied her. I know her inside and out. I think I know her more than she knows herself. That’s why I know this letter isn’t what she feels. It’s a fucking copout. At first I don’t panic. I read the letter again and try to picture her playing a joke or doing something funny. A smile is on my face when I call the front desk, asking if there are any other letters or packages for me. They confirm this is it and ask if I need anything else. I hang up the phone and open the door, looking both ways down the hall, wondering if she’s going to jump out and say gotcha. Again, nothing. Closing the door, I sit back down and read the letter again. This time I believe that it’s real. I know nothing will change. Words don’t magically appear. In my head I know that, but I can’t admit it. Did I do something wrong? Did she find someone new? Why is she doing this? My world falls apart and I can’t sort out the feelings and raging emotions. I grit my teeth and nearly rip the letter apart. Setting it down on the table, I pace the hotel room, fuming with insane anger. My breathing is erratic and I can’t talk. I imagine her writing the letter and the look of relief on her face. She wants this. She wants to leave me, and thinks I’ll let her and seventeen years go without a fight. Love is a powerful emotion. Our love is powerful, and we’ve been through too much to let it go. “Ahh,” I scream. Lashing out I take my anger out on the couch and table, flipping them over. Glass smashes on the carpet and tears roll down my cheeks. Turning, I see the letter again and pick it up. She wrote a fucking letter to break up with me. Stomping into the bedroom, I throw the pillows off the bed, ripping the comforter and sheets. Red. All I see is red. Consumed with anger, I stand in the room looking at the destruction caused by my rage. Sliding down the wall, I fall to the floor and try to calm down. Only there’s nothing calming me down. My heart is breaking. I’ve lost everything; my world, my heart and my soul. Taking my cell phone out of my pocket, I call her. The call goes straight to voicemail. Hi, you’ve reached . . . I hang up and keep calling. After the eighth time, I decide to give her my own letter. “I’m never letting you go. I’m the guy for you, Bayleigh Murphy, and that’ll never change. I will see you again.”

1. Conquer my fear of heights 2. Learn how to whistle 3. Sing and dance in the rain 4. Go to the batting cages 5. Go to a Sam Smith concert 6. Submit a painting to an art gallery 7. Learn how to hula hoop 8. Forgive him I look at the last item on my bucket list. My eyes don’t move from the two words staring back at me. These two words hold much more meaning to me than they should. I spell out the words in my head, and mentally repeat them, hoping I can convince myself to do that one thing. The problem with forgiving him is, he doesn’t deserve it. If I do, it’ll be to find inner peace and move on. People say grudges weaken your heart and soul, clouding your mind with fear and debilitating your ability to be free. In some ways that’s true, but I bet you those people didn’t go through my hell. Even if I can forgive, I’ll never forget. That night needs to stay with me so it will never happen again. Eventually, I’ll have to let go in order to move forward. Eventually. Then my mind goes to the possibility of forgiving him. I wonder if it’s possible to forgive someone who purposely stole a piece of you and left you for dead. Can someone truly let go of the hurt they’ve felt or are they doomed to live a life of fear? I’m hoping to hear a voice telling me it’s okay to move on and let go, but there’s no such voice. All I have is my own voice laced with fear. No matter how hard I try there’s nothing else I can do to forget that night. I wish I could forget. I wish I could move on and never look back. If I could do that I’d still be happy and I’d still have everything I want. I take a minute to set down my journal and put myself in another place. The place before my life changed. Gripping my journal a little harder, my eyes glaze over the last line, sending a small shiver down my body, to the tips of my toes. Forgive him is taunting me and I can’t wrap my head around the possibility. It’s hurting my heart to think that in order to get on with my life, I have to let what happened to me go. Not likely to occur, but I still like to think I can. How can I move on and pretend I’m okay when in reality, I’m not? Each time I think I’m getting better, something happens and I’m brought back to that night. My fears escalate and I shelter myself away from the world. I bury myself in books or painting. It’s my release, and what helps me stay calm. I tell myself he’s taken too much of my time and life and I don’t deserve to feel this way. I deserve to live and let go. I don’t want to live my life like this. It’s hard to move on when you’re shackled to the past. The anchor bracelet around my wrist reminds me of the strength I know I have. But it’s hard to

believe. We can tell ourselves everything will be okay and believe the world is going to be on our side, but sometimes, when we’re alone, all we have is the darkness. It’s too difficult to think everything will be okay. The shadows lurk around the room and hide in corners, ready to pop out and scare you. The days and nights are hard and I struggle with getting through every day without breaking down. I used to love being outside, going to the beach, hanging out with friends and sitting by the water, tanning and drinking. You miss the little things when you stay inside and hide from the world. It’s not the big things you miss, like going on vacation or celebrating an event, no, it’s the little moments that we take for granted. Once they’re gone, you’re left wondering if those moments will come back. And then life throws a little happiness your way. Sometimes, out of nowhere, the hope we need is right in front of us. Even when we push it away, that hope comes back and wants to help. Only you refuse it. That hope reminds you of the past and protects you from the self-loathing and self-inflicting pain. Hope reminds you of who you used to be and who you still can be. As lucky as I am to have that, at the same time that’s not what I need. I want to breathe again. I want someone to show me the meaning of being alive and the beauty of life. Do you know that feeling of being on a cloud and flying through the sky without a care in the world? I want that. There’s a protective bubble around me and I need someone to pop it. Right now, I’m not strong enough to do it. I’m all for girl power and being independent, but when your life has been taken from you and you’re left with bitch ass demons, a little push in that direction would help. The dreams I have still live on within me. It’s not too late to get back on track, but honestly, I don’t know where to start. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt remotely like me. I’d rather stay in the comfort of my own room, painting, drawing, listening to music and lying in bed. I know it seems dull, but it’s safe. I put the list down and lean my head against the headboard. Turning on the music app on my phone, I press shuffle. Music surrounds the quiet in my room, settling deep in my soul. It’s a sad song about letting go and moving on; not being good enough. The song reminds me of when I lost hope. When things went downhill and I had to find the strength to be me again. I’m trying, taking baby steps, but I’m not a patient person. I like to get things done at that moment and not wait. The waiting game and I have never been friends. Part of me yells to live and the other part yells at me to calm the fuck down so I can be safe. I don’t want to be a hostage to his hold anymore. I only have this life to live and it’s going on without me. The pain from that night is too strong. There are nights I lie in bed with regret and hurt in my heart. There are so many things holding me back and the fear that someone is going to hurt me again stands right in front of the line. It’s impossible to believe I’ll ever be one hundred percent okay. Swinging my legs over the side of my bed, I get up and walk over and sit by my window, looking outside, wondering about the simplicity of life. I think about the constant motion of life and how it doesn’t stop because you want it to. Regardless of what’s going on, life goes on. Sometimes we want to yell pause or stop and other times we want life to quickly go past us. That’s not how things work. I’m obsessed with how life goes and why bad things happen to good people. When all you have is time, you find things to obsess over like time and life. I look back to my list sitting on my bed. It’s funny how one list can give you a small glimpse of what can be and push you a little bit more than you or your family and friends can. You try to see the beauty of life and the beauty of surviving. In a tragic poetic sense, there is beauty behind the scars. Sometimes we don’t see it at first because the hurt we feel clouds our judgments. Eventually, beauty comes out and soon we’re ready to fly. It’s been two years since the night my life was thrown offbeat, yet it feels like yesterday. Maybe I did something to provoke him. Maybe I was dressed like I was asking for it. I mean, that’s what his lawyer said. Sitting on the stand, recounting that night in full detail, the defense attorney looked at me, without any

emotion, and asked if I thought about my outfit, that maybe I was asking for it. My lawyer stood up so fast and the gasp from others sounded so loud. I remember responding and how shitty he made me feel. “I never asked for this,” I screamed, standing up and pointing at him, “you stole my life. Don’t you feel bad at all?” When he doesn’t respond I cry out, “Why didn’t you kill me that night?” As I sat back down, his attorney took his seat and said nothing further. I looked at the jury and some of them were crying, while others looked down. No one could look at me. I couldn’t look at me. Stepping off the stand, I walked back to my parents and felt Tyler’s arm around me. I wanted to scream and push him away. Instead, I welcomed his touch, laid my head on his shoulder and cried. “Will I ever be okay?” “You will, Bay,” he kisses the side of my head, “you will.” Sliding under the cover of my bed, I pull a blanket over me and turn to my side, facing my bedroom wall. I replay the past two years of my life in my head. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was unhealthy and therapy wasn’t working. My therapist brought up topics I didn’t want to talk about and after a year, I gave up. I was barely living and when I tried, I ran back to my room and hid from the world. My parents did everything they could to help. We went on trips and they gave me space when I needed room to be alone. As much as I love them they didn’t know what to say. My hurt was their hurt. When they looked at me they saw a fragile girl who could break at any time. What could they say to make me feel better? Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Living this life isn’t what I have in mind. When something is stolen from you, is there a way you can open your heart again, break down the walls and rebuild your life once more? Everything scares me and I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do. I’m twenty-three years old, still living with my parents, without a job or opportunities. Before my life took another route, I had dreams about going to a bigger city and making a difference. I have the tools to build my future, just not the strength. Graduating from a good college, I hold my Bachelor of Arts degree and I’m not doing anything with it. I didn’t get a chance to walk the stage and hold my diploma in my hand. No. When I got home, it was framed on the wall in the family room along with my senior picture from high school and a picture of me in my cap and gown when I first received it in the mail. I never got to wear it again. My last memories of college are of him and what he did to me. Now it’s easier to stay home, in my room, and ignore the outside world. “Go to sleep,” I mutter, my eyes slowly fluttering and soon all I see is the dark. “You won’t have any nightmares tonight. You’ll be fine. Just go to sleep and take yourself to a happy place. Go to Tyler,” I quietly mumble before falling into a deep sleep. “You smell so good, pretty girl. Is this what you want?” His hands slide down my back to my ass and down my legs. “God, I can’t wait to feel you.” “Please stop,” I beg, “please let me go.” Jolting up, my body is covered in sweat and my mind is spinning in loops. Frantically, I look around the room to make sure I’m okay and no one else is here with me. Rubbing my eyes, I fall back onto my pillows and cry. This isn’t fair. I can’t get through a night without a nightmare. If only I could stay awake forever. Sleeping means that I don’t have the power in my mind to block him no matter what I do. It leaves me vulnerable. I’ve tried sleeping pills and working out until the point of exhaustion. Nothing works. I still see him and I feel what he’s doing to me. I need to be the captain of my own life, sailing through with my own decisions or else I’ll spiral out of control again. Reaching over for my glass of water, I drink what’s left. Needing more, I slip out of bed and walk

downstairs to get a refill. When I walk by the front door I decide to step outside. The cool air hits my face. I inhale deeply and feel the cleansing breath flow through my body. After holding it in for a few more seconds, I exhale, the air leaving through my lips. I sit on the wooden swing on my porch and trace my fingers over what’s been carved against the white wood, B + T forever. Looking up and to the right side, I see his house. It’s dark inside, with only the porch lights on. My eyes go to his bedroom window and I wonder what he’s doing. His dark blue Jeep is in the driveway, so I know he’s home. Or at least, I hope he’s home and safe. The painful realization hits that the one person I want most in this world is next door and I can’t find the right words to tell him how I feel. I can’t tell him I think about him all the time and look at his Facebook and Instagram pages. I can’t tell him I hate his friend, Serena, and wish he would stop being friends with her. Each time I look at their picture, which I have saved to my phone because I’m that girl, I cringe. His smile is bright and she looks good standing next to him. I know they’re good friends and I’m glad she lives thousands of miles away in California. I think I would lose my shit if she lived here. Then again, I don’t have the right to be jealous or controlling. Tyler Scott is the one person I love and want to see forever with. He’s my dream come true and makes life worth it. And I let him go. It’s been a year since I broke up with him. The only boy I’ve ever loved and wanted to be with. It’s silly that I’m hurting from the pain of letting him go. It was my idea and I fought him every chance I had. He fits my life and loves me unconditionally. He’s the one who can make me smile, laugh, holds me tight when I cry and he makes me feel safe. The decision I made to break up with him wasn’t to cause him pain. No. It was to let him go so he could be free. The last two years of my life have been dark and scary. There were so many times I thought about ending it and I almost came close. I took a bunch of sleeping pills and had spread out on my bed. I felt my body going weak and my eyes started to close. Tears rolled down my cheek as I held the letter of goodbye in my hand. It was dark in my room and there was nothing around me. I felt the vomit slowly coming up my throat and I found the strength to turn over and throw up the pills, emptying the contents of my stomach. For five days, I was sick and delusional. I never told anyone about that day. It’s hard to admit out loud that I tried to take my own life. From that moment on, I felt like my life had purpose and I became stronger. Better. Every decision we make changes the course of our life, every choice leading to a predestined fate chosen for us. We don’t have control of what will happen, nor can we stop the inevitable. So when you love someone, it means so much more when they love you back. You start your lives together and go through all the monumental events every couple goes through. You make the decision to become his and you take him as yours. The both of you decide everything together and soon the future is slowly coming into view. When life gets too perfect, that’s when things unravel. Right before my eyes, I lost myself and I lost Tyler. I’m still trying to figure out what the best thing to do is, because every decision I make doesn’t sit well with me. When you love someone, you’re supposed to be with them. Only in my situation, I can’t. My stomach sinks thinking about intimacy and feeling the pleasure of sex. When I think about sex, even making love, I think about that night. When people have sex, they aren’t thinking about getting hurt or being taken advantage of. Hopefully they’re thinking about how good it feels, and when you’re having sex with someone you love, you’re thinking about the way your bodies are connecting. That’s what sex is about. Only now, I associate sex with force, pain, and dying.

“ARE YOU SURE YOU don’t want to go to Cabo with us?” My best friend, Mandy Scarlata, asks while we’re having dinner at Umi. “Yes,” I tell her, “I am positive!” She groans and stabs her shrimp with a fork and I smile, picking up a piece of my sushi and dipping the roll in soy sauce. “Seriously, how are you turning down a free trip?” “Because I’m not ready to go out and party, Mandy.” And it’s the truth. Going out scares the shit out of me. Parties and Bayleigh don’t mix very well. Drinking and Bayleigh don’t mix either. Pretty much I’m the girl who likes to be home before dark and in her jammies, watching The Vampire Diaries or One Tree Hill. Seriously, I am okay with this life. “Whatever,” she rolls her eyes, “I think you’re being ridiculous.” “And I love you so much,” I blow her a kiss and make her laugh. “Trust me, you don’t want to deal with me.” “Still having the nightmares?” I nod my head. “Have you thought about seeing Jean again? She helped you so much and then you stopped seeing her. What’s up with that?” Jean was my therapist. She was great and helped me a lot, but when she brought up Tyler and pushed me to talk about our relationship and the breakup, I had to stop seeing her. She was pushing too hard and I couldn’t handle it. She’s tried reaching out to me and I’ve ignored every phone call and email. Thinking about Tyler hurts. Not because we aren’t together, but knowing that if we got back together, he would treat me differently. When I look at him, I don’t see us as a couple. In his eyes, I see myself as a project. I’m broken and he wants to fix me. Only, he doesn’t understand that I don’t need him to fix me. I need him to push me and take me out of this funk. He feels like that night was his fault. That’s one of the reasons why Tyler won’t move and get on with his life. I know he’s been offered positions in California and Chicago, yet he stays in Rochester to be near me. It should make me feel good knowing he’s choosing to stay with me. But is it what he wants? That question stays on my mind. Letting him go, hoping he’d move on with his life and do better things, is my hope. Only it’s not going the way I want. He’s slowly coming to terms with our friendship. It’s hard for him not to touch me or tell me he loves me the way he used to. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him and I miss him. I think about him all the time and going each day without Tyler is hard. The last time we were together, last Christmas, wasn’t what either of us needed. I remember the day and it stings. I feel his hand on mine. “I’m going to wait for you.” “Then you can’t come over anymore, Ty.” “Why are you doing this? I can’t give up what we have. That’s my whole life, Bay,” he yells, getting up from the couch, pacing the living room. “I don’t give a shit what you think. You are it for me. Don’t you see that?” “I am doing what I know is best. You’re too overprotective. I can’t breathe around you. Even now, you keep tabs on me and make sure I’m okay.” “I’m sorry, am I not supposed to do that?”

“No!” “That’s what people do when they love someone, Bay. They do everything they can to protect them from pain and suffering. I wasn’t there that night to protect you and I know you blame me.” “How dare you say that?” “Look into my eyes.” I do as he says. “Tell me you don’t blame me.” “I don’t blame you, Tyler. It’s not your fault.” “Then why can’t we be together?” “Because we can’t.” “You still think about him a lot?” Mandy asks, breaking me out of my Tyler trance. “Yeah. Here and there. I guess he’s coming back home soon. That’s what his mom said, so we’ll see what happens.” “Do you think you’ll hang out?” I shrug and finish my sushi. “You might as well. The both of you are too good of friends, or whatever you are now, to not talk. Ever think maybe, just maybe, it might help you?” I shrug again. “Of course I do. But I don’t want to hold him back.” “You should let him make that decision.” She chucks a piece of broccoli at my face. “You’re a pain in my ass, you know that?” I laugh, picking up the vegetable and placing it on my plate. “And yet,” she smiles, “you love me so much. That’s why I’m your best friend.” She’s right. Mandy’s been my best friend since freshmen year of high school. We cheered together and played lacrosse. She was there for everything and when she was accepted to college in Chicago and I stayed back and attended Fisher, it hurt to say goodbye to my best friend. We stayed in touch and she was there for me when I needed her. When she moved into her apartment in Webster over by the lake, she begged me to move in. I wanted to, still do. I hate living at home with my parents. With no money and zero job prospects, well I’m sure my parents would have to pay for my part of the rent. I just couldn’t do it. On top of that, I couldn’t have her go through the night worrying about me. I wake up far too often on account of the nightmares. Mandy’s phone rings. She reaches into her purse to get it. When she looks at her phone, excitement and giddiness are all over her face. “Mystery man?” She nods and hurries to message him back. For the past year, she’s been seeing someone and won’t tell me or anyone who it is. Sure it bothers me and I ask her all the time if he’s some kind of serial killer who has warped her mind. Obviously I’ve been watching too much Criminal Minds. “He wants me to come over tonight and spend time with him.” There’s a hint of sadness to her voice. I’m not sure what’s going on with her. The topic of Mystery Man is touchy. She gets in a sad and funky mood when we talk about him. “What’s wrong?” “Ugh. Everything about him is a secret. We’ve been dating, or fucking, whatever,” she brushes off her words, “and still nothing. We can’t be seen together and I can’t talk about him.” “Wait,” I laugh, “Did you sign some type of contract?” She glares at me and looks away. “Holy shit. He’s a dominant right?” “Shut up! And stop reading your dumb books. He’s not Christian Grey, you twatfacehooch.” We burst out laughing and quickly change the topic to her Cabo trip, which Mystery Man is paying for. She’s totally dating a Christian Grey. Later on, when I’m home and in my room, lying in bed with a good book, I come across a scene about the exes getting back together. It’s so intense and he’s telling her the reasons why he loves her. I reach

over for tissues and blow my nose. Stupid sweet guy. Putting down my phone, my eyelids get heavy and within seconds, I’m fast asleep. I hear my panties rip and his hand touching my body. My body is shaking from fear and I can’t see through the tears rushing from my eyes. He has me on my stomach and he’s gripping my hair. I feel his tongue licking my body and I shudder, trying to pull away, doing everything I can to get away from him. I can’t see his face. He ties my hands together behind my back and has complete control. No matter what I do, he has me tight in his grips. Eventually I give up and stop fighting. “Good girl,” he whispers, touching me, invading me, “I can’t wait to feel you.” He violently pushes himself inside me. Screaming and crying only encourages him to inflict more pain and he drives deeper. “Stop,” I mutter. I scream in agony and feel arms pulling me up from my bed and into a hard chest. Tyler. “You’re okay. I’m here,” he coos, rubbing my back. As soon as I feel his touch, I’m calm and my breathing is steady once again. His scent wraps around me, clean and freshly showered. I love the subtleness of his cologne, Acqua Di Gio. Pulling away from him, I feel his fingers wiping away my tears. The softness of his touch and the closeness of his body makes me feel like I can breathe. I feel my chest tighten knowing he’s always going to be there, but then the tightness grips my heart and I’m suffocating. What if one day he’s not here? When I look up, I see the smile that I love so much. It’s the worst feeling in the world, knowing you love each other and can’t be together. Every touch, every kiss, every time you feel him inside you, every laugh, every smile-those are the moments that you keep and you push away the moments when you felt dead and broken. It’s too painful to be without him. I need to learn how to live on the memories we had, what we were. “Hi,” I breathe, holding his hand, “sorry you had to see that.” I pause and cock my head to the side, “Wait, what are you doing here?” “I was at the door when I heard you screaming, so I used my spare key and came inside. I’m sorry if you’re upset I’m here.” The hesitation in his voice hurts. I try not to flinch. Resting my hand on his knee, I stroke it with my thumb, reassuring him I still need him. “No Ty. I’m not. Thanks for waking me up.” I show him a soothing smile and scoot off my bed. “Let me shower and get ready. Want to get breakfast? I feel like getting crepes.” “Yeah, sounds like a plan. I’ll wait downstairs for you.” “Okay.” I watch him leave and head to the bathroom connected to my bedroom. Turning the knob to the faucet, cool water fills the sink. I take a handful of water and splash it on my face, waking me up, and bringing me back to reality. People say that when bad things happen, we have to let that go and try to move on and live again. They don’t talk about the long road of healing and the nightmares that follow. They don’t talk about how your whole life changes and you become someone you don’t know or love. There’s a healing process and everyone handles trauma in their own way. These people say with time everything will be okay and one day we’ll be strong and be able to move on. I think that those people never experienced what I did. It’s all bullshit. Life is fucking unfair and targets good people who have dreams and goals. Life doesn’t give a shit about you. It’s all a game of tag. Tag, you’re it! Now your life is going to suck and you’re going to be

alone. When I close my eyes, I see his face and smell his breath. His words refuse to leave and are resting inside my head. It plays on and on. It’s a never ending nightmare and I can’t wake up. No matter what I do, no matter whom I talk to, he’s the one I see, feel and hear. I feel his hands grasping my neck and weight against my body. I pinch my cheeks and force myself to look in the mirror and repeat what I’ve been repeating every day. “It’s okay,” I tell myself, “you’re going to be okay. Every day you’re getting stronger. Even though this is a setback, it doesn’t mean you’re going to fail again.” Pressing my hand on the mirror, I stare at my reflection for a moment longer. “Do you hear me? You are going to be make it through this and you are going to be okay. It takes time and soon all this pain will be worth it.” Finishing my shower and putting myself together, I walk down the stairs and through the foyer to find a cup of coffee and a single yellow rose sitting on the counter. Lifting the rose to my nose, I take a deep breath and let the fragrance sink in. Looking around, I don’t see Tyler. Grabbing the mug, I walk outside to the deck and see him by the tire swing. “Hey,” I shout, getting his attention, “thank you for the coffee and rose.” He smiles in response and I sit on the tire swing, waiting for him to push me. Feeling his hand on my back, feeling the slight push he gives me, I spread out my legs and bend them back when I’m swinging backwards. It’s peaceful out here with him. We aren’t talking about the breakup or when we’ll get back together. No. We’re simply enjoying each other’s company and living in this moment. “I can’t believe it’s already August,” I say, sipping on my coffee and bringing the rose to my nose. That’s Tyler’s thing. He brings me a rose at random times. I never know when I’ll get one. When we were dating the roses were red, and now I get yellow roses. “Only like five more weeks of summer.” Stopping myself from swinging, I turn around and face him. I can’t read the expression on his face or see his eyes behind the sunglasses. “Yeah, it’s crazy how we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together,” he mumbles. Needing to change the topic, I get up and reach my hand out for his. “Still up for breakfast?” “Sure. Whatever you want,” he answers, and takes my hand. It’s a perfect fit and if things were different, we’d be together.

HOLDING HER, FEELING HER, comforting her, is what’s keeping me here. It’s been too long since I’ve seen her. When I got back home from California a few weeks ago, I wasn’t ready to see her right away. I took a vacation to New York City with my mom, to get away and refocus. Since our breakup, we only talk here and there. When she sent me the breakup letter, I went home that weekend to make her see the mistake she had made. I left the next day, feeling emptier. I worked my ass off and refused to come home. My mom came to California to visit. She understood and asked me to come home for Christmas. I did and instantly regretted it. After that argument, I decided visiting home wasn’t smart, so I stayed away. As hard as it was to be away from her, it gave me a better insight. If I keep pushing her, making her be the same Bayleigh that she was before, I’ll lose her. The thing about being friends is, the more time I spend with her, the more I fall deeper in love. I’ve been back for three days and this is the first time I’ve seen her since our falling out. It’s hard to forget the way her looks make me feel or how her lips curve into an innocent smile. The way she smells attacks my senses and her skin is creamy and soft like I remember. Her body is more toned and her legs, damn her legs, are still long, tanned and shapely. She’s always been a fitness junkie, but after that night, she put her focus into kickboxing and lifting instead of strict cardio. She looks great and I can’t help myself thinking about her and having her again. But it’s the way she looks at me with her big, hazel eyes, that gets me every time. When she finishes her coffee, we head to my Jeep and I drive the short distance to Simply Crepes. ”Are you still a health freak?” I tease her, opening the menu and wanting to devour everything in sight. She laughs and I enjoy that feeling of putting the smile on her face and the laugh in her chest. It’s the best feeling in the world, better than making love, because she’s happy and when she’s happy, that means she’s that much closer to being mine again. “Cheat day,” she winks, licking her lips, “I want everything.” We put in our orders and talk about California and New York City. When I mention Serena randomly during our conversation, her eyes tilt and I know that resting bitch face look. I use Serena as leverage to get a rise out of her. I’m not trying to be a douchebag or an asshole. Serena knows this, but Bayleigh doesn’t. So I continue to drop her name hoping it will cause a spark of jealousy and bring her back to me. “Yeah, Serena and I went hiking before I left and tried out this new club with a few friends. It was actually a lot of fun. She wants to come out and visit. What do you think?” “Whatever you want. She sounds like a lovely girl.” Bayleigh smiles and adverts her eyes to the paper in front of her. She takes a blue crayon and doodles. I sit back and watch her, like I’ve done so many times before. Sometimes we don’t need words. Just sitting here with her, watching what she loves to do, is simple and meaningful. After we’re done eating, I drive back home. Part of me wants to spend more time with her and the other part wants distance. It’s still not easy being her friend. “Thanks again for today,” she smiles and unbuckles her seatbelt. “Yeah no problem.” I do the same and follow her from my house to hers.

“You don’t have to do that.” “Do what?” “Walk me back to my house,” she says without looking at me, “it’s not that far of a walk. I’ll be fine.” I hear a hint of annoyance in her tone. I don’t get it. We were fine today and laughing. Why is it a big deal? She doesn’t look at me and it stings a little too much. “Fine,” I walk backwards, “have a good day.” And just like that, my decision to go back to California for work is easier. Me: Looks like I’ll be back in Cali. I’ll text Brian in a few Serena: Sounds good. Can’t wait to see you again . . . Things turn out bad with her? Me: Of course . . . That’s how it is between us. Shit will never change Serena: It’ll be okay . . . Just give it more time. You can’t expect her to come crawling back to you even though that’s what you want. Everything happens for a reason Me: Yeah I guess Sitting at home, I’m randomly flipping through channels, trying to get my mind off today, and decide nothing’s working. Not wanting to sit around the house, I grab my keys and head downtown to meet the guys. It’s been a while since I’ve hung out with them and a night out is what I need to rid my mind of Bayleigh. Walking in, my friends see me and cheer. “Tyler fucking Scott,” my best friend Joe shouts coming over, handing me a beer and giving me a man hug. “Bro, I’m surprised you’re out now. It’s been a while.” “Yeah,” I agree, “just got back from NYC with my mom. About to head back to Cali soon.” “Living the dream. So what’s up?” We talk for a little and I catch him up about work, doing my best to avoid any mention of Bayleigh. “Have you heard from Ryan?” Antonio, another good friend of mine, asks. I ball my fists and finish my beer, following three shots of tequila. Shaking my head I look up and answer. “Na, and I don’t fucking plan on it. That loser is dead to me.” “Still got bad blood between the two of you?” “The hate isn’t going away,” I tell the guys. “You don’t pull the shit he does and expect to be forgiven.” “Man, I don’t know how you can hold a grudge against him,” Joe states. “I get it. He fucked up and all, but sometimes you got to let it go.” “Not happening.” Ryan will never be forgiven. That asshole is the reason that Bayleigh’s messed up. Not only do I blame Tony, but I blame Ryan. He had one thing to do that night and he couldn’t do it. I order another round for us and the night goes on. After drinks at Murphy’s Law, we head down the street to a club called ONE. It’s pretty busy tonight and we see a few more friends from high school. Ordering another round of drinks, I feel soft hands stroking my back. I turn around and see Cherie smiling at me. “Well, well, looks who’s out to play.” I smile back and give her a hug. “What’s up girl? What’s new?” “Nothing. In town visiting my parents. You?” “Same.” I hand her a drink and tell the bartender to keep my tab open, “I’m heading back to Cali soon though.” “Nice. Looks like you’re doing bigger and better things.” “You too. I saw your status about traveling to Italy for a fashion show.” She blushes and looks away. Back in high school we were all pretty good friends, then college came

and we tried keeping in touch. If it wasn’t for Facebook or Instagram, I’d have no idea what my friends were doing. “Thanks. I’m excited and scared. Hey, how’s Bayleigh? You know I tried reaching out to her and never heard anything back.” “Yeah,” I rub the back of my head, “she’s hanging in there. She doesn’t really talk to anyone. Shit, she barely talks to me.” “Fuck, I thought the both of you would be married or something by now. I remember the two of you in high school. Class couple, Prom King and Queen. The perfect couple.” I wince and turn back to order a shot. I needed more to get the memories out of my head. The bartender hands me my shot and I drink it fast. “Yeah, shit happens,” I answer. “I’m sorry, Tyler. If you ever need to talk, let me know,” she says, rubbing my arm. “I smell skanks all over,” a familiar voice makes me look up and I shake my head, slowly pulling away. “Get out of here slutbag,” Mandy orders and Cherie rolls her eyes. “Talk to you soon,” she winks at me and walks away. “You’re back and already the skanks are cornering you, I see.” “Hello to you too, beautiful.” I give Mandy a hug and we walk to an empty table in the corner. “Fancy seeing you here.” “Yeah well, here I am. The girls wanted to go out before our Cabo trip, which by the way, the lovely Bayleigh decided against.” She groans, “We had dinner the other night. She looks good, Ty.” “She did and then apparently walking her to the fucking door is offensive and she lost her shit. Today was great, and then she copped an attitude with me,” I explain. “So I’m heading back to Cali. I might as well move there, since almost every time she sees me, it’s bad.” “Tyler, is that the best thing?” I nod. “You sure?” I nod again. I can’t keep playing this cat and mouse game with her. She knows how I feel and I know how I feel. There’s no one else for me. The way she looks at me is something I’ve never been able to explain. Seeing her today, and that fucking smile, and that fucking body. I went home and jerked off. Images of her lips on me, and whispering my name, fucks with my head. I remember the way she felt when I was inside her. The warmth around my cock and her little moans. My girl wasn’t quiet and she loved hearing me tell her what I wanted. When we were together, I was in control and she gave me everything I desired. Whenever I see her, that’s all I can see and feel. The sexual desire I have for her and wanting her to be mine again. Her lips. Her eyes. That ass of hers. Everything is mine, even if she doesn’t see it that way. “She’s not ready for me to be back and that’s fine. I’m good. Trust me. I’ve been without her for a year, what’s a little more time or forever?” I laugh, “It’s not like I haven’t tried to move on.” “Have you?” “Yeah and every time I take a girl out, I see Bayleigh. She’s in my head and I can’t shake her.” “You know what they say,” Mandy pauses, “if you can’t shake the one you love, then maybe you’re not supposed to.” She’s right, but then on the other hand, there are days I can’t stand to think about her. The only thing harder than moving on is letting go. I know it’s not going to happen overnight and it’s not like I’m pining away for her every day. There’s no excuse for her childish behavior and pushing me away. I’ve tried and I don’t know how much more I can try. So that’s why moving back is the best thing to do. Not wanting to continue the conversation, we finish our drinks and head to the dance floor. By the time I’m home, it’s almost three in the morning. Luckily, Mandy wasn’t drunk and could drive. Everything is spinning and I can’t get my keys in my door. The door opens and I see Bayleigh looking at me. “Tyler?” “What are you doing in my house?” My words slur and she gives me a funny look. “Wait, is this my

house?” Nope. I step back and look around, noticing our swing, memories coming flooding back. “Do you remember when we made love on this swing?” I walk to it, touching the chains down to the arm rest, “I’ll never forget that night.” “Why that one night?” she whispers. I feel her behind me and I can’t turn around to look at her. “I remember every moment with you. But that moment, I felt the world understood our love and nothing would tear us apart.” “Come on.” She loops her arm through mine and pulls me inside. “Mandy gave me a heads up that she was dropping you off.” “Oh, Mandy. She’s a good friend,” I laugh and follow her upstairs. “Are we going to share a bed?” “Yes, Tyler. It’s late and you’re wasted.” “Can I hold you?” She doesn’t answer. I follow her inside her bedroom and plop down on her bed. Bayleigh takes off my shoes and pushes me back to lay down, covering me with a blanket. “What are you doing, Tyler?” “I don’t know,” I answer, “I have no idea. I just fucking love you and miss you.” “I know,” she strokes my face and kisses my forehead. “Sleep, okay?” Closing my eyes, I feel her touch to my skin and it burns with ache and desire. All I want is her.

WAKING UP THE NEXT morning in his arms makes me feel safe and like nothing will hurt me. The arms I love, protecting me from the evil in the world, settles my heart from beating out of my chest. There’s no panic when we’re innocently lying like this, even though it’s the most intimate we’ve been in quite a while. His protective arms hold me tight and when I turn my head to look at him, I see a slight smile on his face. When I’m in bed with Tyler, I don’t overthink or feel like someone’s going to come into my room and hurt me. It’s just the two of us and we’re in our own world. I don’t want to open my eyes and get on with the day. I want to spend all of our time in bed and talking. No arguing or talking about why we’re not together; just talking about what we want from life, like a career, traveling or doing something adventurous. Making circles around his hand, I watch the peaceful look on his face and memorize every line and every expression. “I like the smile on your face,” he tells me in his deep, sleepy voice. “Morning. Do you want me to make you breakfast?” He nods, “Mmm that sounds good. I’m thinking chocolate chip pancakes with fruit,” he kisses my neck and cheek. My body freezes and I tell myself this isn’t Tony. This is Tyler. Tyler. Tyler. Tyler. “Hey I’m sorry. Are you okay?” I nod my head, “If this is too much please let me know. I don’t want you to feel panic of pain.” “No this is okay. I feel safe with you. That night he invaded me and took a piece of me I’ll never get back. With you, it’s different. I want you here.” Kissing my forehead he nods and helps me out of bed. We walk downstairs together and he watches me as I make breakfast and the kitchen is quiet. It gives me time to think and focus on what’s going to happen in a few days. I could get used to having him sleeping next to me, waking up in his arms, and sleeping without nightmares. So what am I supposed to do when he’s gone? We sit at the table and my parents come down and look at us and then leave the kitchen. I see my mom turn her head and smile before going to my dad’s office. “Thanks by the way,” he tells me. “No problem.” “Beach today?” “Sure,” I smile and tell him to go before my dad kills him. I watch Tyler walk to his house and run back upstairs to send Mandy a death threat. Me: Way to drop off a very drunk Tyler at my house . . . Asshole Mandy: Hey you two needed to talk. Did anything happen?! Did he make your body squirm or cum a few times wink wink Me: You know the answer to that. You know I can’t . . . But whatever you’re an asshole and I hate you Mandy: I love you too . . . Missing you! We’re at the airport now. I’ll see your beautiful face in

7 days! Me: Have fun! Mandy: Oh I intend to *kissy face emoji* I laugh at her text and put down my phone. It’s too early to be up, but I can’t fall asleep again. I didn’t have nightmares last night and I don’t want to admit that it’s because of Tyler. Having him in my life as my friend is the only thing I can do. We have our good and bad memories, and all I can do is hope he’ll decide to stay in my life. Just thinking about the possibility of him dropping me as a friend makes me nervous and anxious. A few hours pass and I’m standing in the middle of my room getting ready for the day when I look out the window and see Tyler standing outside. He’s looking down and I know that look. He’s thinking. Last night is still on my mind and I’m not sure I should bring it up. There’s not much to talk about. He got drunk and spent the night. We cuddled and I woke up feeling better than I ever have. I’ll admit, being in his arms again felt good and waking up to a smile isn’t bad. Pacing my room to try and find the right words to say, I figure I can’t stay up here forever. I walk out of my bedroom and slowly head downstairs. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I hesitate walking outside. An internal war is brewing. I love him, but I need him to find someone who isn’t broken or dirty. Reaching for the doorknob and slowly twisting it, I make sure there’s a smile on my face so I don’t make him feel bad. When the door opens, I walk out to find Tyler sitting on the porch swing, the same swing we’d sit on for hours and talk about everything, and sometimes even nothing. This swing represents Tyler and me. It’ll be here forever on the porch, but one day, maybe, it’ll hold us again. Looking at the swing, I smile. Sometimes we’d talk. Sometimes we’d sit in silence, enjoying each other’s company. I miss those days. I miss when things were simple and I wasn’t scared of my own shadow. “Hey,” he smiles, getting up and walking towards me. At first he’s hesitant and then he leans in to kiss my cheek, his hand resting on my arm. My body heightens from his touch and I relish in the warmth of his hand. I feel my chest tighten when I look into his blue eyes. His eyes are my favorite part of who he is. He has the kind of eyes that make you feel safe and warm. When you look at him, and he’s looking back, everything makes sense. My whole world stops and my walls break down. I’m not scared anymore. Yet I keep pushing him away. “Hi,” I finally let out, “how are you feeling?” “Better,” he whispers, stepping closer to me, pushing my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. His touch is soft and cautious. Without thinking, I throw my arms around him and rest my head against his chest. We stand like this for a while. I lose count for how long. I miss his arms around me. I miss the way he smells and I miss him. He lets me go and places his lips on my forehead. “Are you ready to go?” I nod and he reaches for my hand. “Let’s go then. You look beautiful today,” he tells me, and walks me to his Jeep. When we get to the beach, I smile and walk next to him. I look at the people around us laughing and smiling. There are couples all over, lying out on their towels, playing games and having a great time. I look up at Tyler through my sunglasses and see hurt on his face. Then realization hits me. He’s going to be here with his new girlfriend one day again. She’ll be the best thing that’s happened to him. She’ll get the man he is today and all I’ll have are the memories of the boy with shaggy dark brown hair who was inexperienced and learned with me. This place holds so many memories for us. I’m holding onto those moments forever and trying to remember all of the happier times so the nightmare doesn’t win. We walk along the shore, side by side, neither of us saying anything. I look down and see his hand. I want so badly to hold it and feel his touch again. But I pull away and stop myself. It feels nice being here

with Tyler. There’s no arguing or talking about the whys of our lives. It’s just us, surrounded by the beauty of nature, and we’re soaking in every moment. “Let’s put our feet in the water! I bet it’s nice and warm.” I tug his arm to the water and splash his face. This puts a big smile on his face and we run around the water, laughing and smiling. He lifts me up and twirls me around. For the first time in a while, I’m letting myself be happy. “Tyler!” I squeal and hold onto his strong forearms. “Don’t let me go!” “I’ll never let you go,” he whispers in my ear, still twirling me around. We spend the rest of the day on the beach. I can tell there’s something weighing on his mind. I don’t push him to talk about it. I know when he’s ready, he’ll tell me what’s going on. “Do you remember when we first moved into our apartment?” I laugh a little, “Yeah. It was a mess. We had boxes everywhere and it took like three days to get our place tidy.” “Yeah. I remember one night you couldn’t sleep, so you took out a sketch pad and started doodling. There was music playing in the background. I think you were listening to Backstreet Boys or something,” he laughs, an easy smile forming on his face. “I watched you sketching that night for hours. You never knew I was watching you.” “Oh yeah? What was I drawing?” “The beach.” His hand lies on his lap while the other rests on the steering wheel. His breathing is steady and there’s an overall calm between us. “The sun was setting and the colors you used, orange, red, pink and purple, showed the brightness in the sky. You used blues and greens to paint the water and yellow and orange for the sand.” “You remember that?” He nods. I suck in a quick breath and my body stiffens. Leaning in, I press a soft kiss to his cheek. “How?” “Anything that deals with you I remember. Whether it’s something small or big. It doesn’t matter. Everything you do plays in my head. I know it sounds fucked up as hell, but that’s what you do to me.” Right here, at this very second, is my vision of perfection. Just two people who’ve known each other their entire lives, in a car, driving back after one of the best days. Even though we aren’t together, nothing can take away this day and the feelings in our hearts. Tyler parks his car and opens the door for me. “Do you want to stay over tonight? We can watch movies and eat popcorn.” “Sure.” Heading inside, we say hi to my parents and go to my bedroom. I pull out movies and he picks Sinister. I raise a brow and see him get comfortable on my bed. “I hate you,” I seethe. I’m not a fan of scary movies. “You knew this was here. Why didn’t you take it home?” He puts his hands behind his head and gives me a playful grin. This is the Tyler I love and miss. We’re being silly and carefree. When we aren’t talking about getting back together and the past, we’re actually really good friends. Maybe that’s what needs to happen again. We need to build our friendship and learn how to love each other again. Learning how to love someone again doesn’t mean just loving them. It means learning their ticks and pet peeves. It means knowing what they’re thinking and knowing what they’re going to say. Love is more than a feeling. It’s knowing someone inside and out. We’ve both changed over the years and who knows if we’re still the same people. I know I’m not. After the movie and nearly dying from a heart attack, it’s my turn to pick a movie. I grab PS I Love You and see him shaking his head. “Before you start the movie. Can we talk?” he asks, looking at me, waiting for an answer. “Sure.”

He joins me on my bedroom floor, sitting across from me. “I’ve been offered a promotion at the firm. I have to leave Friday and I’ll be gone three weeks for training. After that I’ll be back, but it requires me to go to California one week a month,” he explains, stroking my arm. “I’m going to take the position and go. It’ll be good for my career and this is what I’ve been working for.” A hollowness in my chest forms. The tears in my eyes build up. I tell myself to be strong and it’ll be okay. This is his moment and what I’ve wanted for him. I can’t ask him to stay and be with me. If I hold him back then nothing has been accomplished. “Congrats. I’m so proud of you, Ty.” “Thank you. Your support means a lot to me. I guess I’m scared to go. I’ve been thinking about us and what we can do to find our way.” I sit and listen, trying so hard not to interrupt him. “We’re changing every day and I know I’m not the same man from before. I’m sure you’re not the same either.” I nod in agreement. “I do want us to be friends again. Like before. Do you think that’s possible?” “Of course I do,” I smile. Finally we agree on something. “I don’t want you to think that because I’m agreeing to be just friends for now means that I will give up on the idea of us as a couple.” He shoots me a playful wink. “I won’t give up until I’m back in your heart where I belong.” He takes my hand and presses it against his chest. “Because you’re in my heart where you belong. You’re my first and last love, Bay.” Hearing him say these words breaks me into pieces. I’m a mess and here I am begging him with my eyes to never leave me. Completely broken and shocked. How can he still feel this way after all this time? I knew he still loved me, but I never thought his love ran so deep and was still this strong. Removing myself from his space, I get up and walk around my room. His eyes follow me. I can’t look at him. He’s pouring his heart out to me and I’m at a loss for words. This is every girl’s dream come true. Yet for me, this is my nightmare. No matter what I do or say, he’ll stay and wait for me. “I think that’s exactly what we need. Thank you for doing this. I know it’s hard on you.” “I’ll admit it is and I’m trying to respect your wishes.” That’s all I want from him. Hearing him tell me that he understands and wants to give me what I need is more than I can ask for. Part of me is hurt when I hear him tell me this. I want him to keep fighting on one hand, and on the other I want us to stay friends and be there for each other. The best type of relationships start out as friends. “Movie time!” I grab the remote and get comfortable in his arms. “You sure you want to sit here with me?” “Anywhere with you is perfect.” He kisses the top of my head and I press play on the remote. I’m not sure when I fall asleep. Waking up, I feel his arms around me. Knowing he’s going to leave soon is burning a hole deep in my soul. If I ask him to stay, he’ll stay and what if he ends up regretting it and blames me for trapping him here? It’s so hard to breathe. I want to cry and tell him that I want him back. I’m running short of breath and he’s holding the oxygen I need, but these demons and my fears makes it hard to love. “Go back to sleep, Bay,” he whispers. “It’s late.” “I know.” Sitting back in his arms, I let out a breath and close my eyes. Another night with Tyler. Another night without nightmares.

“WHY CAN’T YOU SEE I’m not going anywhere?” My hand touches her shoulder, down her arm. I miss the way she feels against me. I miss her. I touch her wrist and play with the bracelet holding the anchor, wishing she would believe that she can be happy again. I’ve made some mistakes with Bayleigh and I don’t want make those mistakes again. Leaving her causes an indescribable pain in my chest. I often wonder where we’d be right now if I hadn’t left her that night. My fists ball up. I’m not a violent guy and I never lose my cool, but right now all I want is to slam my fists into his face. She’s been through hell and back. No matter what I do or say, she retreats to her safe place. The weight on my chest feels like someone is standing on it. I clench my hands again and close my eyes. “Remember you are an anchor. You’re strong and this will remind you that the tides will never hurt you. The strength you have inside your heart will never waver, same with my love.” I whisper, leaning down to kiss her head. When I hear her softly breathing and her chest rising and falling, I get up from the bed and sit against the wall. I watch her sleep and imagine a life with the only girl who has my heart and soul. I’ve loved Bayleigh Murphy my whole life. She’s everything to me and people think I’m stupid for only loving her and never experiencing anyone else. That’s the thing. When you find love, you hold onto to it and never let go. Life was great. We were both at the same college and had the best time. Then the night before our anniversary, some asshole stole her from me. He stole her body and her soul. He stole everything. She was already at the hospital when I got the call from Carrie Murphy. I rushed to Strong Memorial and they wouldn’t let me in until a family member was notified. I paced around the waiting room and when her parents came in, they allowed us to see her. As soon as I stepped into her room, I ran to her side and took her hand in mine. The nurse said she was unconscious due to blunt force trauma to her head. I sat with her for a while before leaving to run to the store and buy her flowers, teddy bears and anything else I could think of to make the room feel alive. It was our anniversary and I wanted it to be special. I held the ring in my hand and wanted so badly to put it on her finger. When I got back to the room, her parents, Carrie and Craig, were sitting with her. I decorated the room and watched to see if she would wake up. She didn’t wake up for three days. When she came to, I heard the scariest blood curdling scream and rushed to her side. She punched me and slapped me, screaming for help. I didn’t know what was going on. Carrie was crying in the corner and Craig couldn’t get her to calm down. Doctors rushed in and sedated her. I cried. I cried for her and what she’d realize when she woke up again. She left to go back home and I was left packing our apartment and driving the U-Haul alone. We didn’t talk much and she avoided me every chance she had. I tried seeing her and doing anything I could to hold her hand. She refused to see anyone. I didn’t know if we were still together or if she was going to be okay. I had to leave for work and we didn’t say goodbye. Resting my head against the wall, I look at her and cry, knowing there’s nothing I can do to make her feel better. My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and look at the text message staring at me.

Brian: Hey Tyler. I heard the good news and I’m happy to have you here with us. Listen, if you can confirm everything with Paula tomorrow that’ll be great. We leave on Friday for California. I stare at the message and close my eyes. I have to be in California for three weeks for training and then I come home and start my new position. Opening my eyes, I find my girl again. I wonder if I’m the only one still in love. She says one thing and acts another way. Actions speak louder than words. I think about the times we spent together and it’s hard to think that she could be over me. My fingers graze the buttons and it’s fucking killing me. This is one of the best companies in Rochester and if I accept this position, I’ll make enough money to take care of me and Bay. We’ll be set for life and she’ll never have to worry. I’ll pay to get her the best doctors and make sure she’s okay. I’ll do anything for her. I get up from the floor and look around her room. There’s a collage of our pictures on her wall. My smiling Bay was the happiest girl. She was full of life and had this light about her. Nothing ever got her down. I kick myself for not being with her that night. I had a dinner meeting with my professor. It was an important dinner and I needed it. She told me to go and I told Ryan to watch her and not let her out of his sight. It was a party we’d gone to plenty of times. She made that walk back to the dorms almost every night. Why would Tony pick that night? Why would he pick her? It makes me sick what he did to her. Slowly she’s getting better, but I know it’s going to be a long road. I sit down on the bed next to her and watch her wincing. She’s having a nightmare. Quickly, I look around her room for my guitar. Opening her closet door, I see it on the floor. Grabbing it, I sit against the wall and strum her favorite song, Photograph by Ed Sheeran. Softly, I sing and watch her breathe. She’s calming down. I play the song a few more times. It has meaning and the lyrics help me hold on. That’s one of the things we used to do. We’d lie on the floor and listen to music, labeling each song that plays a different part of our lives. “Tyler,” she mutters and slowly wakes up. “Hi.” “Hi baby.” I get up and sit on the bed, leaning down and kissing her forehead. “Can you sing again?” “I’ll sing to you forever, Bay.” Bayleigh looks at the ceiling as I play the guitar and sing softly to her. I strum the guitar and feel the music through my fingers. Looking up, I see the worried expression on her face and the tears streaming from her eyes. “All I can think about sometimes is what if I lost you? I don’t think I would be able to live if you were completely out of my life.” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “I know us not being together is causing you so much pain. I love you, Ty,” she pauses again, “It scares me. I never meant to hurt you. I don’t deserve you, and please believe me, I’ll hold you in my heart forever.” “I know, Bay. You don’t have to tell me. I know I’m vulnerable and it’s hard. I never wanted to push you so far. You still do things to me and you always will. It scares me too.” “So what happens now?” “I think that we’ll stay friends forever and one day we’ll be together again. I’m not going to give up on you.” She doesn’t say anything. Her eyes are on the ceiling. I wish she would say something, anything, to make me believe her words. The thing about Bayleigh is that she’s a people pleaser. She puts people above herself. I don’t want to believe she’s telling me this to make me feel better. Those words need to be her own. “I like that plan,” her deep hazel eyes look at me. She turns on her side and reaches out her hand for

mine. We stay like this, holding hands, her simple touch keeping me calm. I know she can’t give me more and this is a lot for her to tell me. I’m proud of her. Keeping her emotions locked up won’t help her or anyone else. That’s why I keep reminding her about being an anchor and the reason I got it for her. As soon as I saw the bracelet in the store, I knew it had to be hers. “Don’t forget,” I whisper, “you’re an anchor and you’ll be okay. The waves may toss you around, but you’ll find your way again.” Waking up in the morning next to her feels good. I’m going to miss seeing her face and holding her. Even though she’s not mine, for a moment while she’s sleeping in my arms I can pretend we’re back together and we’re happy. Then there’s the flip side. I’m getting addicted to her touch and spending every waking moment with her. I don’t think I can quit. I’m trying to see her as my friend, my best friend, but I’m dying without feeling her. I feel better with her around me. She keeps me steady and I catch her whenever she feels like falling. “Wake up, beautiful.” She stirs in her sleep, mumbling about wanting a few more minutes. I tuck strands of her blonde hair behind her ear. “You need to get up.” Groaning, she punches my side and rolls over, away from me. Yeah, my girl isn’t a morning person. Actually, she’s scary and if she’s woken up too soon, it’s best to stay away. “I’m hungry,” I tell her. “So,” she mumbles again, “you know where the kitchen is and you know my parents have food in the fridge. Go make yourself useful and leave me alone. It’s too early,” she whines and tries to push me away. I lean in, whispering in her ear, “Get. Up. Now.” Her body tenses at our closeness and slowly she gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom. There’s a little sway to her walk and it’s killing me. My dick wakes up and senses her ass, wanting to play, and it’s taking everything in me to stay still and calm the fuck down. My phone rings, thank god, and it’s Joe asking if I’m going out tonight. I look at the text and think maybe I should ask her. Me: Not sure. .What’s going on tonight? Joe: Get together . . . Bring Bayleigh too. The girls want to see her Me: Can’t make any promises Joe: Use that Scott charm Me: Haha will do “Do you want to go out tonight?” I ask her, knowing she’ll say no. “Joe texted me and said the girls want to see you. I think it’s a good idea. End of the summer get together. We don’t have to stay out long and I promise I won’t get drunk. They want you to be there, too.” She pops out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in her mouth and her hair in a wild bun on top of her head. Bayleigh looks at me, then the floor and back again to me. After turning back to go into the bathroom, she comes out again and plops on the bed. Instead of answering my question, she grabs her phone and does whatever it is she’s doing. Probably texting Mandy and getting advice. “You haven’t been out in a while. You should do something fun. Going out is fun.” She doesn’t answer. “I think Cherie’s going to be out and a few other girls from high school. You know I saw Cherie when I was out last time. We talked a little.” I see her grip tighten on her phone and I know I’m pushing a lot of buttons right now. “Maybe I’ll see if she’s down to hang out.” She seems pissed that I’m asking her to go out and talking about other girls. I know it’s a low blow, but she wants to be friends and push me away, so this is what I have to do. I ignore the scowl on her face.

She wants to be friends and friends go out. I like staying in with her and watching movies or whatever, but going out seems like a good idea too. “Or, you can stay here and do whatever it is you want to do. Alone. Because I want to go out.” “Well, as long as neither of us gets drunk. Then,” she pauses and groans, “fine. Let’s go out tonight. But we’re doing something I want to do now.” “And what’s that?” She smiles and tells me to go home and get ready. Almost ten hours later, we’re back at her house and I’m carrying bags for her. As much as I love her and want to spend time with her, shopping is never a good thing with Bayleigh. Dragging me from one store to another and making me carry bags, then driving to Buffalo and Waterloo nearly killed me. “Do you really need all of this?” She glares at me. “Yes,” she nods and tells me to place the bags by her bed. “My mom thinks it’s good for me to get professional clothes and start looking for a job, so I need to be ready.” “I don’t think potential employers are going to care if you have the latest purse of Michael Kor’s or the season’s must-have heels.” “What’s your point?” I don’t answer. “Plus, I needed an outfit for tonight.” “Can we get dinner? We missed lunch and I’m starving.” “Order pizza,” she says, and empties the bags onto her bed and looks at everything she bought. “What are you doing?” I ask, looking up the number for Pizza Hut. She turns and I can see how annoyed she is and honestly, I love it. Annoyed and frustrated Bayleigh is a lot more fun than confused and sad Bayleigh. I’m rolling with this. “Picking out what to wear and getting ready. It does take me a while to do that. Do you need me to write down every step?” Sassy. Fuck, I’m turned on. We meet the guys at ONE and I’m about to kill every guy around us. Everyone’s checking her out, even girls, and she’s acting like it’s not happening. Bayleigh is beyond sexy in her little black dress and black heels. She’s dressed up from head to toe. The dress isn’t tight, but it’s looks incredible on her. She’s showing some skin, and is risking a lot by coming out tonight. When she walked out of the bathroom, I nearly died right there. The dress showed off her legs and she masked the small amount of her cleavage with a necklace. She looked happy and I wanted to make sure she has a good night. Finding Joe, Antonio and some of the girls, everyone makes small talk. Asking how we’ve been and what’s new. I stay close to Bayleigh and make sure she doesn’t leave my sight. “Bayleigh, you look so hot!” Cherie squeals and claps like a freaking walrus. I don’t get why girls get excited and have to talk in high pitched voices. “Thanks,” she smiles, and carries on a conversation with her old squad. I order us a round of shots and hand one to Bayleigh. She looks at me with wide eyes and I feel like an asshole for making her come out. “To a great night,” Libby shouts, raising her shot in the air and we follow suit. Bayleigh’s eyes don’t leave mine as she takes the shot and places the glass on the bar counter. “Who wants to dance?” she shouts and the girls scramble to the dance floor. We follow the girls and I come up behind Bayleigh, placing my hands on her hips, and pull her against me. “You’re beautiful,” I whisper. She moves with me to the music and wraps her arms around the back of my head. I can’t keep my hands off her. The closer we get, the harder it is to be good. She turns around to face me with a smirk. Her hands touch my shoulders and run down my body. This is fucking beyond sexy. She looks carefree and happy. Wrapping my arms around her waist and burying

my face in her hair, we dance all night and forget about tomorrow.

IF I COULD STAY IN bed for the rest of my life, I would want that. I’d want to get away from the world and create another one with Tyler. In this world we’d be together, without any pain, and our lives would be perfect. We’d be married and I’d be barefoot and pregnant, walking the beach with the love of my life. It’d be perfect. This world of ours will be different. It won’t be your typical love story happily ever after. No, we’ll still have arguments and disagreements. He’ll still annoy me and I’ll have my crazy moments. The only thing different in our world is I won’t be a survivor of sexual assault. I’ll be the happy and loving Bayleigh Renee Murphy, living her dream, and giving Tyler Scott her body, heart, and soul without question. I force my eyes to stay closed. I’m not going to wake up because once I wake up, I have to come to the realization he’s leaving soon and I’m going to say goodbye again. We went a year without seeing each other, and I know it’s my fault. I’m selfish and want the best of both worlds. I’m not sure how to not be selfish. I can’t get enough of Tyler. He’s become my addiction and I’m not ready to let go cold turkey. Only, I can’t tell him that. I can’t ask anything of him. I lost that right when I let him go. If I tell him I love him and beg him to stay, he’ll expect us to be together and I’m not ready for that. It’ll only cause confusion and anger, and for once, I don’t want to argue with him. He’s holding me tightly in his arms and I don’t want to leave. I don’t want either of us to wake up and have our hearts torn from the reality that we’ll be facing. His grip around my body gets tighter and I feel his breathing on my neck. I place my hand on his and the burning flames erupt when I hear his sigh. Relaxation spreads through our bodies and it feels so real and so right. But that’ll disappear when we get out of bed and leave our perfect world. I’ll wake up alone, in a sweat, screaming for someone to help me and he’ll be thousands of miles away. Who will I run to when I feel sad and alone? Do I have the right to ask him to stay? Or should I ask him if I can come? Honestly, I’m a little upset he didn’t ask me to. I know that doesn’t make sense and it’s really selfish. I can’t help it. Of course I’d say no, but at least I thought he would ask me. Silently I groan. As much as I want that to happen, I know it won’t. I’m not ready for that stage. Even what we’re doing right now is wrong. All we’re doing is leading our hearts to a pile of brokenness and sadness because the more we try to make it work, the more we crash and burn. There are still so many things I have to work on and obstacles I have to climb over. Slowly turning around in his arms, I open my eyes and stare at him for a while. I memorize his face, every line, the way he has a slight smile when he’s sleeping and how peaceful he looks. I’ve never been this happy before now and once he wakes up, that happiness will disappear. Resting my head on his chest, I listen to the beating of his heart. Thump, thump, thump and say a silent prayer, begging God to watch over him while he’s in California and asking him to give me the strength I need to find my way again. Moving my hand up to his face, I trace the lines and absorb the softness of his skin to my fingertips. He’s beautiful. Last night stays on my mind. I’m glad I did something I normally wouldn’t do. Dancing with him and laughing without worrying if I’ll get hurt felt good.

“Good morning,” he whispers, kissing the top of my head. When his eyes meet mine, there’s something different. He seems happier and full of life again; like he should look. There’s no hesitation to his touch or the way he’s looking at me. And I’m letting him. “Hi. Thanks for convincing me to go out last night. I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too.” “Of course I did. All you have to do is ask and tell me what you want. That’s all. And now that you’re up, I think it’s time we head outside. Want to go for a walk?” I sit up, stretching my arms and moaning from the relief of waking up. “Ah, I’m going to change and I’ll be back in twenty, ok?” I nod and walk him to the door. “See you soon,” I tell him. I head to the bathroom and get ready for the day with Tyler. Seeing myself in the mirror, it hits me that I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me. There’s something about the expression I’m wearing and the emptiness I don’t feel. Was last night a turning point? My face heats up thinking about the way we danced last night and how much he made me laugh. At first I was upset that he’d ask me to go out, and then as I was getting ready, it felt good to dress up and not be in yoga pants all day. He’s making me feel good and now I have to say goodbye to him. I won’t be a road block in his life and ask him to stay. I grip the sink and inhale through my nose and exhale through my lips. I can do this. He needs to do this and I have to be strong. I feel my chest tighten and my breathing becomes fast and unsteady. All I can think about is Tyler in California seeing hot girls in beautiful clothes. He’ll fall for a Kim Kardashian look-alike and have pretty babies. He’ll forget about me. Not wanting to dwell on the what-ifs, I get dressed and head downstairs. Sitting in the kitchen with a banana and water, I think about how I’m going to spend the last days with him. A knock breaks me away and I hear the door open. Tyler soon appears and hands me a single yellow rose. “Thank you,” I take the rose and get up from the barstool. “I’m ready to go.” “Sounds good.” Standing beside him, the urge to feel his strong arms around me takes over. Wrapping my arms around him, I breathe him in, hating to admit I’m going to miss this. “You better not fall in love with Cali and move there.” “Oh yeah and if I do, what’ll happen?” I laugh and slap his back, “I’ll follow you out there.” Did I just say that? Did those words come out of my mouth? I blush and bury my head in his chest. “Say you’ll miss me,” he teases me and holds me tighter, resting his head on my head. “Say it.” “I’ll miss you. So much,” I mumble. “I wanted to ask you to come with me. But I know you can’t.” I smile and nudge his stomach, taking his hand and walking outside to his car. We get to the park and start our walk. It’s really nice outside today. There are no clouds and the sun is out. Feeling the warmth on my skin feels good. We walk in silence for a little bit and that’s what I love about Tyler. We can be with each other and not talk for hours and it would still be the best conversation. I look at him and memorize every line and every expression. Right now, he’s thinking and he’s struggling. This isn’t easy for us. “So, are you ready for California?” He looks at me and that struggling expression tugs at my heart. “I don’t want to talk about that. I want to spend the day with you and memorize your smile because that’s what’s keeping me going. Knowing that you’re getting stronger. And you are, Bay. I’m proud of you.” “Thanks, Ty.” Part of me wants to cry. I hold it in and enjoy the time we have together. After walking a few miles,

we take a break under a tree. We’re lying down, looking at one another, and neither of us knows what to say. He traces small circles on my hand. It’s comforting to have him close to me. Tyler’s the best and always knows what to say. “You’re beautiful,” his eyes travel from my eyes down my body. My face heats up. I miss that look of want and desire. I want to feel his hands all over my body and the pleasure I know he’ll bring. I’m scared to get to that level with him. What if I freak out and cry? What if it’s too much for me to handle? Love means showing and expressing, and I can’t give him my body like before. “I can’t believe how nice it is today.” I have to change the subject so I’m not thinking about sex. “So, how are you feeling?” “Great. Because of you Bay. These last few days have been fun,” he touches my hand, “seeing you get out of your comfort zone is pretty damn good.” The only thing I can do is smile. Everything is going well, minus a few arguments. I’m having a good time, and for once I’m not smiling or pretending I’m happy. Right now, I’m in this moment and it’s a good place to be. “Want to head back and swim at my house?” “Sure,” I answer, and take his hand, feeling the immediate spark he causes when our skin touches. When we get back from the park, I rush inside and change into a swimsuit. Standing in front of the mirror, I hold in my breath and look at my reflection. This isn’t going to work. How do I only own bikinis and nothing else? I rummage through my drawers, hoping to find a one piece of something a little more conservative. Maybe I should text him and ask to come and watch a movie. Movies are safe because movies require wearing clothes. Or maybe we can go to the gym and workout. Working out requires clothes too. Grabbing my phone, I text Mandy and hope she isn’t too drunk to give me some advice. Mandy: Wear the damn bikini! You look ahhh mazing in almost anything. .Plus it’ll be funny to get him all hot and bothered Me: You aren’t helping Mandy: Yes I am. As your best friend I command you to wear a bikini, walk outside, stand up tall and proud and get your tan on. .Just pretend you’re with me in Cabo and we’re sipping on a fruity drink with a straw Me: That sounds so good right now Mandy: Shoulda came with us suckaaaaaaa now go! I see a hot boy with an eight pack so peace out sista! I shake my head and gain the courage I need to walk outside and hang out with Tyler. I mean, my goodness, I can do this. I’ve seen him naked and he’s seen me. It’s not like I have anything to hide. Grabbing a sun dress, I head downstairs, a little more cautious and when I’m out the door, I think about making up an excuse. It’s been a while since I’ve worn anything this revealing. “I can do this,” I tell myself over and over again until I’m standing at the gate of his pool. Letting myself in, I grab a towel from the chair and lie down. Putting on my sunglasses, I grab the hem of my dress and hesitate. “Ugh screw it,” I mumble and pull the dress off. I’m not ashamed of my body. I just don’t like to feel practically naked, even if I trust Tyler. Breathing in and out until I hear the gate, I open my eyes to see a very tan and sexy Tyler walking toward me. Sweet holy hell. No, I won’t drool over him. Oh, who am I kidding! He’s perfect with his tan, abs and what? A cut v line. The gym has been good to him. So very good. Damn him! “Eyes up here Bay.” He laughs, taking a seat at the end of my chair. His hands find my feet and he massages them, making my body feel like jelly.

“Want to jump in?” “Huh?” I have to pull myself together and not be mesmerized by his sexy as sin body. Tyler stops massaging and grabs my arms, pulling me forward. We’re face to face and I can smell his minty breath. “Lets. Swim.” I see his eyes wandering to my boobs. Mental note: must buy a one piece ASAP. We jump in the pool at the same time and when I come up for air, I see him standing in front of me. His hands rest on my waist and my body tenses. “I hate how scared you look,” he tells me, “why are you scared of me?” “I’m not scared of you. It’s hard for me to be this close to anyone. It’s a big step for me to be out here with you. I’m trying, though. You have to give me some credit. We’re together. I’m going out with you and we spend the nights together. That should count for something.” “I know you are.” He kisses my forehead, “I just hate that look in your eyes. You used to look at me with love and now it’s replaced with fear and hesitation. I wish you’d let yourself be happy.” I swallow the lump in my throat and push away from him, swimming to a safe corner. It’s overwhelming being here with him, so close and no one else around. I know he won’t hurt me. I’m just scared of being this close to anyone. The way I used to look at him is still on my mind and that’ll never go away.

I’M LEAVING TOMORROW and all I can think about is Bayleigh and being in her arms again. Pushing off my blanket, I rush out of my house and climb the tree to get to her room. Looking back, this tree has a lot of memories. At night, we used to sneak into each other’s rooms and in the morning climb out and back to our room. All I want to do is talk to her and spend my last night here watching her sleep. A nervous feeling hits me. My stomach is in knots and I think about heading home. I’m not sure if this is a good idea. The word space and leave go through my head. Opening her bedroom window, I climb in and stand before her. Everything I want is right here. She’s beautiful when she’s sleeping. Her face is peaceful and her long hair fans the pillows under her head. Kneeling down, I kiss her forehead and stare at her. Getting the courage I need, I climb into bed with her and bring her to my body. “Let me stay,” I tell her. “Stay,” her hushed voice tells me, “I’m glad you’re here.” “This is where I want to be on my last night. I know we had a little fight today and I’m sorry for pushing all my emotions on you. I’m selfish and scared.” “I know, me too. Our feelings are strong. I need you to understand, all I need is time.” “I understand.” She clenches me tighter and I can finally breathe easier. Her gaze drifts to me and her eyes are my undoing. Those eyes that make me weak and hard in a matter of seconds. My eyes roam her face and stare at her plump lips. It’s taking everything in me to not feel her lips on mine. My heart thuds against my chest when I see her lips curve into a smile. I need to change the topic and say something, “Knock knock.” “Ah, who’s there?” “You.” “You who?” I throw my hands in the air and make her look at me. “Yooohoo big summer blowout.” Immediately we laugh and she tells me I’m an idiot for telling her the joke. For a moment, she’s back to herself- carefree and full of laughter. “You’re so corny. Plus Frozen is your favorite Disney movie. Not mine.” “Na,” I reposition myself, “I like Beauty and the Beast. Even though he’s a monster, she finds a way to love him with her whole heart, which breaks the spell. And guess what?” “What?” She heavily breathes as I lean in closer. “I’ll break the spell one day.” My lips brush over hers. It’s a simple kiss, but it ignites my body and I want more. I touch her face and press another kiss to her cheek, making my way to her lips. “Tell me to stop.” She doesn’t say anything. Instead her eyes flutter and close and she’s leaning into me, begging for more. My hand slides along her shoulders to the nape of her neck, bringing her closer to me. Our lips connect again and when she opens her mouth, I slide my tongue in, feeling hers against mine. The taste and feel of her mouth is blowing up my insides. I can’t get enough of this moment. All I want to do is freeze time so we can stay like this. The breathy noise she’s making and the grip she has on my shirt,

pulling me down to her. My body hovers over hers and the weight is on my forearm. God, I love this girl. Groaning, I slide my hand down her body, resting on her hip. My lips leave hers and I kiss her cheek, shoulder and neck, tasting her body and savoring each moment. Her hand touches my chest and pulls off my shirt. Her lips kiss my chest and up my neck, back to my lips. I’m not sure what I’m doing or what she wants. I’m scared to talk and ruin this moment so I slide my hand under her shirt, cupping her breast, looking at the expression she makes. Her eyes close and she pushes her chest up towards me. Her lips part as I massage her breast, moving to the other. She sits up and grips the hems of her shirt, lifting it off. Our bare chests connect and our lips meet again. “I love you so much,” I tell her and grind my erection into her. “Fuck,” I groan when I feel her nails gripping my back. I’m so turned on and the heat from her is making me crazy. I don’t know what to think right now. Honestly, I don’t care. This is what I’ve been waiting for and this is what I want. I kiss her again, hungry and fast, like a beast ready to take what’s his. My fingers entwine with hers as I take my other hand to her boxer shorts and pull them down, needing more. Tossing them on the floor, my hand rests back on her hips and I look to her for the okay. Her hazy eyes look into mine and that smirk comes back. Feeling her wetness on my fingers, I slide my fingers in and nearly explode. I control myself and curse in my head. I’m twenty fucking three years old, not fifteen anymore. “Do you want me to keep going?” “Please,” she tells me and I listen. Feeling her body relax underneath me, I play with her clit and massage her until she comes and the noise leaving her lips is killing me. The throb in my cock is screaming to be released and into her. “I want you so bad,” I kiss her again, “so bad.” I turn her over and kiss her back, my hands exploring her all over. The softness of her skin is against my hand and I kiss the path down her back. “Stop,” she screams and pushes me away, “stop.” “Bayleigh, I’m sorry,” I rush to tell her, “I’m sorry.” I get off her bed and hand her clothes. No. Please fucking no. My heart literally stops beating when I see the tears in her eyes. She’s covering herself up and shaking her head. “I can’t do this with you. Don’t you see how fucked up I am?” “Baby stop, you’re not fucked up. You’re perfect.” “No!” She screams again and pushes me away. “I need you to leave right now.” She pulls the covers up and wipes her tears. “Tyler, leave!” An ache forms in my chest and my muscles tighten. I want to stand here and fight with her, explain that what we did isn’t wrong and I don’t want to leave. A moment passes and she still has her eyes on me. The need to wipe away her tears grows and I’m about to walk toward her when she whispers for me to leave and go home. “Please,” she tells me, “just go.” My stomach sinks deep into a pit. “Talk to me, Bay.” “Leave! Tyler, just fucking leave!” Everything is screaming at me to stay and talk to her. When I look into her eyes, she’s not there. The wild and scared Bayleigh I remember is back and she’s not budging. I walk to the door and hang my head. Turning back, I look at her again and she’s not facing me. “I’m sorry,” I say before walking out of her bedroom. Making my way down the hall I see her mom Carrie walking toward me. “Sorry I’m here so late,” I look down, not wanting to see the disappointment in her eyes. “It’s okay,” she whispers, touching my arm. “What happened?” I shrug and see the sympathetic pity smile on her face. “Give her time, Tyler.” Time . . . that’s all I hear when it comes to us. How long do we have to be apart for her to realize

we’re meant to be together?

I HAVEN’T SLEPT SINCE he left. I’m an idiot. When he turned me on my stomach, flashes of Tony came back and I had to make him leave. I wanted it so much and yet here I go, ruining it again. Pulling off the covers, I put on sweatpants and a tee shirt. I feel like shit for what I’ve done. There are no more tears to cry and my heart is breaking because I can’t stand the thought of him being close to me. I don’t want to face him today. I’ve been so stupid and I ruin everything. We’ve been good and last night should have been a good night. I’m a mess and I can’t expect him to be okay with this. My eyes burn from the sob fest I attended. The look on his face when he got off my bed and walked to the door. I can’t stand to look at him when he’s looking like that. That broken look was on his face and I wanted it to be someone else, anyone else, not my Tyler. Now that look will be imprinted in my head and soon it’ll turn into disappointment, then pity and finally regret. He’ll let go and wonder why he wasted his time with someone fucked up like me. And I couldn’t bring myself to do that, so I won’t say goodbye. I told him to leave last night and he did. We said everything we wanted to say to one another. There’s a knock on my door and panic sets in. When the door opens, I see my mom walking in with a smile on her face. She sits down and pats my knee. “Go to him, sweetie.” “I can’t Mom,” I tell her what happened last night and she listens. I love my mom. She’s been there for me since day one and doesn’t look at me with pity in her eyes. No, she looks at me like a woman who needs time to find her place in this world and to accept what’s happened. She looks at me with strength and she gives me the courage I need to go on with my life. “Yes you can, Bayleigh. I didn’t raise a coward,” she winks and gets up. “Go.” Getting the courage I need, I walk outside and watch him pack. He’s called me several times and I’ve ignored all his calls. I don’t want to watch him leave and tell me he loves me. I want us to work on our relationship and see him every day. Having him near me makes me feel better. “Hi,” I whisper, walking to him, not able to look into his eyes because I know I’ll beg him to stay. Those blue eyes will plead with mine and I’ll cave. I’ll grab his suitcases and slam them on the ground, telling him he can’t leave. I’ll throw my arms around his neck and we’ll be okay. I’ll feel his lips on me and we’ll be together again. “Are you okay?” “Yeah,” I lie, “sorry about last night. Just,” I want to explain and I can’t. He doesn’t need to know that when he touched me I thought of my rapist, “it was a lot and I’m sorry.” I watch Tyler put the last suitcase in the rental car and shut it. His back is facing me and neither of us is saying anything. I wish I were a writer so I could come up with something, anything, to make this better. The words are stuck in my throat, and instead of saying what I want to say, I wrap my arms around his waist and place my cheek against his back. Closing my eyes I whisper, “I know this is hard for you. I wish I could be better. But I think this will be good, Ty.” “You can say whatever you want, Bay. I’m going to love you forever, with every breath I have, and we’ll be together again. You don’t scare me. What happened last night doesn’t scare me. If you let me in, I promise we’ll take it slow. Like I told you before, from now on I’ll go at your pace. No more pushing or giving you long drawn out explanations of my feelings. The ball’s in your court. Just remember, I’ll cross

the oceans to see that smile again. You are it for me and one day you’ll see I’m the guy for you. I love you forever.” I wipe the tears on his shirt because I’m so afraid to let go. We’ve been spending time together over the past few days and it’s been nice. Having Tyler around means no nightmares or being scared. He’s my safe place. I see the tears in his eyes. I hate this. I hate saying goodbye to him again. “Thank you for understanding and giving me what I need. You have to understand that last night was incredible and I don’t regret it at all.” The look on his face is a punch to my stomach. His eyes are telling me another story. He doesn’t want this and he doesn’t want to understand. It’s the best and only way for us to be better, as individuals and as a couple. “I am going to love you until I take my final breath, Ty.” Touching his heart with my hand, he places his hand on top of mine. “I wish I could be the girl for you.” “You are the girl for me.” I cry and soon I’m back in his arms, smelling his scent, and remembering the times we shared. I don’t want him to go. I know if I ask him to stay, he will. “Do you promise to call me if you need me?” “I promise.” I rest my cheek against his chest, letting him rub my back up and down. I’m reeling inside from his touch. I want more. I want so much more. This is so hard to do. I want Tyler to change his mind and tell me he’s going to stay. God, I want to tell him how I feel and tell him I want him as mine again. He was supposed to be my forever, and then darkness won. “I love you.” Before I know it, his soft lips are touching mine. There’s nothing rushed about this kiss and I don’t pull away. I wrap my arms around his neck and welcome him. It’s been so long since I the fire inside me. This kiss means the world to me. I know that sounds cliché, but I don’t give a shit. Nothing can take me away from this moment. It’s us. Just us. We pull away from each other at the same time. He rests his forehead against mine and looks into my eyes. “I love you, too.” I’m not sure how long we’re in this embrace, but soon he has to leave and I watch him open the driver door as he gets in. He closes the door and I step back, watching him reverse out of the driveway. He stops and looks at me one last time. Neither of us says anything, so he puts his head down and continues to reverse his car out of the driveway. I watch him leave and wave before his car disappears. My phone vibrates and I reach into my shorts to get it. Ty: No matter what, I’m going to love you forever. There’s no one else and I hope you know that. You are my home and the one place I want to forever be. I’ll do what you want, but you will not push me away. I promise I’ll be back. Me: <3 Ty: That kiss meant the world to me and I’ll cherish it forever. Me: Have a safe flight. I’ll see you soon That’s all I’m able to text back before rushing back into my house, back to my room and crying tears I’ve been holding in. It hurts watching him drive away and it hurts knowing he won’t move on. I don’t know what I need to do, but something is going to happen and I will make Tyler move on. I know I won’t ever be okay. I go back to my room, locking myself inside, and cry myself to sleep. I open the door and see Tyler coming out of his car. He has a smile on his face and I’m so excited to see him. Before I make it off my porch, I see a beautiful girl with long brown hair and a perfect body. She touches Tyler’s cheek and I see him laughing. Who the hell is this girl and why is she touching Tyler?

I’m frozen. Soon, Tyler makes his way over to me. I look and see the girl smiling and waving. I lift my hand and wave, but I don’t smile. “Hey Bay!” he says, and gives me a quick hug. “Come meet Angie. She’s my girlfriend.” Sweat surrounds my body. I’m submerged in my own tears and I have to catch my breath. I look around and realize it was a bad dream and it’s still Sunday. Time didn’t speed and Tyler just left. I’m okay. I grab my phone and scroll through my pictures until I find one of me and Tyler taken a few days ago. He’s holding me from behind and I’m taking the picture of us. We’re both smiling and I’m staring into his deep blue eyes. I can get lost in them. Looking into his eyes is like looking at the ocean. There’s freedom and spirit. Each crash shows his vulnerable side and the currents remind me of his strength. His eyes always seem to know how to make me feel better and it’s because of his love that I push myself to be okay. My phone vibrates and it’s a text from Mandy. Mandy: Hey! So I’m going to be back soon! I’m telling you we need a girl’s trip to CABO SAN LUCAS BABY! I’m meeting the HOTTEST guys with the HOTTEST bodies. Seriously, I think I became pregnant like ten times. Legit girl, you’re coming next time! I seriously cannot wait to see you. .I miss you girl! How are you? Me: Hardly breathing . . . Ty left today and I had to say goodbye . . . He kissed me though Mandy: Say what? Are you two back together? Me: No =( We said I love you though and we’ve been spending time together. So there’s that . . . I hate that I’m stringing him along . . . Mandy: Oh friend . . . You know he would go anywhere for you . . . No worries . . . I know it’s hard to see, but you two are going to get back together <3 Me: One can hope . . . Mandy: So listen, when I come home you and me are gonna spend a lot of time together! Be ready okay? Me: Sure =) Mandy: I miss you Bayleigh and I know everything will be okay Me: Yeah . . . Right now, I need her more than ever.

I GET TO CALIFORNIA without any issues and check into the hotel I’ll be staying in during my time here. Taking the elevator to the sixth floor, I look at my phone and see a message from Bayleigh. Bay: Hope you had a good flight and you’ve landed. Text me when you can Me: I’m here and I’m okay . . . About to check in and let my team know I’m here. How are you doing? Bay: Okay I guess . . . My mom is taking me to the spa today to relax so I’m waiting for her to get ready Me: That sounds like fun. Have a good time with your mom and we’ll talk tonight Bay: K =) Me: =) My heart physically hurts from her messages. She’s trying to have a good time, I know this, well I hope she is, and with being so far away, I don’t know if she’ll be okay. Who’ll be there for her when the nightmares come back? The ding to the elevator alerts me to the fact that I have reached my floor and I exit, walking down the quiet hall to my room. Sliding in the card, I hear the door unlock. Walking in, I look around and decide to shower. Stripping out of my clothes, I get in and let the water relax my muscles. The plane ride was a little bumpy, but the drinks from the attendant helped. After four Titos and club soda, I relaxed and closed my eyes, thinking about her and that smile I love. Seeing her face in my head causes my dick to go from half-mast to instantly hard. I stroke him, pretending she’s with me, pretending I hear her soft moans. I’m fighting like hell to hold on and enjoy this moment. I slow down and imagine her taking off her clothes, one piece at a time, her eyes burning with desire, waiting for me to slide my dick into her waiting pussy. Fuck. I grip my shaft harder and stroke faster. I can feel the tingling in my balls and know I’m almost there. I groan loudly as I lose control and watch my cum explode out across the tile wall and then wash away from the spray of the water. I lean my head against the shower wall. She is holding all the cards when it comes to our future. I won’t allow her to push me away. Nothing she does will stop me from taking back what’s mine. With her, everything makes sense. With her, I come apart and all my doubts and insecurities cease to matter because she makes me a better man. And I meant what I said about sex not being a big thing. Of course I miss being deep inside her, hearing her scream my name and feeling her desire, but I can let that go if it means having her back. I want her, all of her, and that’ll never change. She knows I can play dirty and I will if I have to. Needing sleep, I get under the covers of my bed and feel the coolness of the sheets on my naked body. Grabbing a pillow, I hug it to my body, pretending it’s Bayleigh. Shit, I’m a fucking pussy. But I don’t care. This who I am and how I feel. Tossing and turning for the next hour I finally get up, put on clothes and walk to the built-in bar in my room. I love being in Newport Beach. When I’m here, it feels like home. Walking outside on the balcony, facing the ocean, I lean against the railing and listen to the waves crashing against the shore, soothing my

nerves and helping me stay calm. Being near the water helps me put things in perspective and gives me a chance to really think. I’m alone in my room and I like it that way, just not right now. I want to pick up the phone and call Bayleigh. I want to listen to her talk about her day or listen to the music she’s listening to. But I’m giving her space. I don’t want to smother her and make her feel like I’m hovering. It’s only been a few hours since I got here and already I’m raging with anger and feeling broken. After leaving her in the driveway and looking at her while I drove away, I had to stop myself from pulling over. This is the time she needs and I need to give it to her. There’s a knock on my door. I finish my drink and walk back inside. Opening the door, I see Chad holding a bottle of whiskey. “Welcome back man,” he says coming inside. Chad’s a good friend and he took care of me when shit went down with Bayleigh and me. He’s had his heart broken too many times and doesn’t care about love or finding the one. All he needs is someone who understands the words one night stand and friends with benefits and if they don’t, then he walks away. He clears his throat while pouring us a shot. “So, do I want to know how you’re feeling?” He hands me a shot and we both take it. “I’m good. I’m doing what she wants. We had a little something go down before I left. I don’t know,” I sigh and sit down, “I mean, she seemed like she was loving it and didn’t say no. I asked her if this was okay and she said it was. Then out of nowhere, she freaked out and told me to leave.” Chad pours me another shot and I take it. “I don’t know if it brought back the rape or anything.” He listens intently and nods his head. “I think so. I don’t know the girl, but something you did most likely brought back the rape. Don’t beat yourself up over it, man. You’re here and we got a lot of shit to do in three weeks. Have you given any more thought to Brian’s proposal?” I lean back and wince, thinking about that conversation. I’m not sure if I can pick up and leave it all behind. Moving to California will be the biggest step I’ve ever taken. It means moving away from my mom and Bayleigh. But if I do move, should I ask her? Do I have the right? Chad nods, then gets up to open the door. “Come on, let’s grab dinner and drink.”

IT’S BEEN FOUR DAYS since he left. Not that I’m keeping track or anything. We talk every day and say good night every night. I’m not sure it’s healthy or giving me the space I need. Frankly, I really don’t care. Hearing his voice and seeing his name pop up on my cell phone is keeping me calm. I spent all Saturday and Sunday crying and I’m so sick of crying. I don’t want to spend another heartbreaking, soul crushing, hyperventilating day in my room away from people. My mom and I spend time together and she’s taken me to the spa and out to eat. Bless her heart for keeping me busy. When I’m not with her, I’m in my room drawing in my sketch pad and I’m still thinking about him. My heart misses him and I wonder how he’s doing. I look outside and see his bedroom window. We used to wave to each other in the morning and write messages to each other on a white board. Almost every memory I have is of him. His smile, his laugh and the way his eyes make me feel safe. But then I remember the pained look in his eyes. The look of regret and sadness. I hate to be the reason his heart is breaking. It’ll be easier if we can move on and start something new. If only, right? Deciding being inside isn’t a good idea, I grab my car keys and head out the door. Once I’m outside, I look at Tyler’s house and smile. He’s doing what he loves and I’m happy for him. Getting in my car, I drive to the beach. This is the one and only place I can relax and let my mind go free. There’s something about the calmness of the water, and the softness of the sand, that brings me to peace and a clear mind. If I could live on the water, I would do it in a heartbeat. Life comes to mind and I want to think it can’t get worse than this. I mean, life cannot be this cruel. Then again, I watch the news and things can get really bad before they get better. There’s this hole that some people fall into and sometimes it’s nearly impossible to get out of it. That hole is the emptiness in my heart. My mind is getting there and my emotions seem to be in order. I wish the hole could be gone and it should be. At some point, I have to think about the future and building it. Resting my forehead on my forearms, which are on my knees, I think about getting through day by day, and figure out how to keep busy. Just thinking about waking up, getting dressed and doing something during the day so I’m not locking myself inside my room would be great. I don’t like the heaviness on my chest or the constant dread on my mind. Hopefully when I talk to Mandy, she can help me get a job at the firm. I can’t allow myself to dwell on Tyler’s absence. I need to be normal and act normal. No more being sad and moping around the house. Since that night, I’ve been miserable and I’m slowly coming together. With Tyler, things were steady and okay. Now that he’s gone, I have to find that balance again. Only Tyler’s been the exception to everything. I let him touch me, sleep in the same bed as me, see me in a bikini, and we hold hands and laugh. I won’t let anyone else come that close to me, yet it’s okay for Tyler. I’m lost and I’m not sure what else to do. Some days I think I’ll wake up in the middle of the day, with a smile on my face, looking over and seeing a sleeping Tyler next to me, and this will have been a bad nightmare. Then reality sinks in. Tyler’s not with me. He’s not sleeping next to me or telling me about forever. Because I’m a fool. A love sick fool who can’t bring herself to understand that someone loves her enough to do anything and everything. Tears are pooling in my eyes and I can’t get a grip. I know our love won’t go away. Regardless of distance and decisions made, forever love stays and fights when the people involved can’t fight anymore.

I take a few deep breaths and struggle to think about the possibility of making a difference in my life. Sometimes slowly breathing helps or counting to ten. Right now, all that’s helping me is picturing Tyler and his beautiful smile. The love and strength he exudes are incredible. He’s every reason to smile and every dream come true. Most importantly, he’s hope. I get lost in him and he brought me back to life. Even though there are days his chains around my wrist are tight, he still is one of the reasons I’m here. We’ve been through so much shit. I can’t help but wonder if all the bad we’ve been through will help us in the future. Lifting my head, I stare out to the water and love the colors. It’s something I can’t describe. I have no idea why the calm of the water helps me. Looking at the anchor, I smile and think about Tyler. I should text him and let him know I’m thinking about him. Me: Hi . . . Just sitting at the beach . . . Thinking about you. Hope you’re okay Ty: I’m good. I’m glad you’re out of your room haha . . . Can we talk tonight? Me: I was hoping you’d ask me =) Ty: Call you later Me: K I think about going to California while he’s there. It’s a place I’ve never been to and I think it might be good for me. What’s drawing me to California is Tyler and what we can do. Shaking my head, I laugh and tell myself to stop the torture. It’s only a few weeks and when he comes back, things will be okay again. When I head back home, my dad is in the kitchen making lunch. I sit at the island and take his sandwich. “So good, thanks Daddy,” I smile and bite into the chicken salad. “Ugh, you used Miracle Whip?” “It’s a salad. No one uses Hellman’s in salads.” I point at myself, “I do. It adds more flavor.” “Well, if you don’t like it, then give it back.” “No thank you. I’ll finish it,” I smile again and watch him make another sandwich. It’s nice being home with my dad. He works from home and goes into the office once in a while. He and my mom love to travel and they take frequent trips. My dad is successful and takes care of most of the things around the house and my mom works part time at the library. She says it gets her out of the house and involved in the community. “So, what’s the plan for today?” he asks, looking at me with a soft smile. “Really nothing to be honest. I’m thinking about talking to Mandy about working at her firm. Have to start somewhere, right?” “I’m proud of you, Bayleigh.” “For?” “Becoming stronger. You know, we were scared nothing was going to get you to smile, and look at you now. “ I let his words sink in. His compliments make me smile. I know I’m doing better and I still have a lot to get through. “Well, if only I could open myself fully to Tyler,” I laugh uncomfortably. My parents love Tyler and they’re trying to understand why I can’t be with him. “In time you will.” He nudges my shoulder with his, “don’t force it.” “I think I’m going to head to the gym. Thanks for lunch, Daddy.” I kiss his cheek and run upstairs to get my gym bag. Maybe a workout is needed.

PULLING UP TO THE private gym my parents and I belong to, I show my card to the front desk and walk inside towards the locker room. Sometimes I wonder if this gym should be called a Club Med or private resort. It has everything from weight machines, a physical therapist, a massage therapist, juice bar, Olympic size pool, saunas and a few cabanas. “Good afternoon,” a guy with workout pants and an employee shirt says as he walks by. “Hi,” I respond with a friendly smile. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Things seem the same, with a few exceptions and certain areas being redesigned. “Gorgeous!” I turn around and see Mandy running toward me. I didn’t think she’d be back today. “Hi!” I smile and give her a hug. “You look amazing. How was it?” “Amazing as usual.” “Why didn’t you tell me you were home?” “I wanted to surprise you. Your dad said you’d be here, so I came right over. Swimming?” I nod and we head inside the locker rooms to change and get ready. Mandy tells me all about her trip and the guys she met. “You should have come!” “Next time.” I love Mandy and listening to her stories. Partying with her is fun, but dangerous. She lives life on the edge and has no regrets. Mandy studies me for a moment, trying to find a hint of me lying, which I am. I don’t think a vacation to Cabo is something I can do now. With her back and things starting to be better, I’m sure she’ll encourage me to go. And I’ll let her, because what Mandy wants, Mandy gets. “Well, next time is better than no,” she says, looking at my two piece with a smirk. “Looks like someone’s been working out and tanning. You look incredible, Bay.” “Thanks.” With so much time on my hands, I’ve been looking up workout routines, kickboxing and running more. We head out the door and Mandy waves at everyone we pass. Most of them smile and some give her a hug. The members here are nice and it feels like a small little community. For the most part we all know each other either from high school or parents of our friends. There are some new faces and everyone seems nice. Getting outside and putting down our things, we stretch in the corner and jump in the water to swim a few laps. It feels amazing being in the water. I love the feel of the sun on my skin and the water gliding over my body. When I’m swimming, I shut out the world and focus on the tranquility surrounding me. After swimming for a while, Mandy and I order smoothies and relax in one of the cabanas. I think about asking her about the job and hold back. She just got back from vacation and we’re relaxing. I don’t want her to think anything. “You’re thinking too much,” she says, looking at me through her sunglasses. “Whatever it is, you know you can talk to me about it.” “Do you think,” I pause and sigh, “you can get me a job at your firm?” She smiles a big smile, “Already done. You start on Monday.” “What? How?” “Please. Damon loves me and does anything I want. It’s a good starting point. You’ll be his personal

assistant. It’s very easy and you’ll get it like that,” she snaps her fingers. “Plus, your office-” “My office?” Mandy nods, “Yep, you have an office with a fab view I might add. Well, you’ll be next to me and things will be great.” “Damon?” I think, “Isn’t he like the VP?” “Kind of. He’s pretty important at the firm and he needs help. You’re organized and smart. You two will get along.” I sit back and smile. This is what I need. I need to get out there, meet people and do everything I can to not have a panic attack in a new place. I can do this. Later on, when I get home and eat dinner, I rest in my room, lying on my bed and looking at my phone. Being at the gym today is what I needed to clear my head and relax. I was there for almost three hours. After swimming and relaxing outside, we worked on our legs and did a few workouts. Stretching out on my bed, I get comfortable and pull up the current book I’m reading on my Kindle. Getting lost in the words, I don’t realize my phone’s ringing. Looking at who’s calling me, I smile and quickly answer. “Why, hello.” “Hey, you sound happy,” he says and I can hear paper rustling in the background. “Had a good workout today and Mandy got me a job at the firm. I’ll be Damon Ridge’s PA. Sounds easy, right?” “I think so. You’re smart, Bay, you’ll figure it out quickly. How’s everything going?” “Pretty well. Keeping busy.” I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t want him to know I’m missing him like crazy. “Glad you are,” he teases me, “I hope this project doesn’t last longer than three weeks. I want to come home and be with you.” “I want that too,” I whisper. I listen to him talk about California and the places he wants to take me to. His hotel is right on the beach and I’m so jealous. His voice sounds so happy and I love him for being calm and lighthearted. I can’t handle a heavy conversation. Sometimes I think Tyler knows me better than I know myself. He knows what to say and what to do to make me forget. “I wish I could be in Cali with you. Maybe if I wasn’t starting this job, it could happen.” His breathing is loud and I can hear it through the phone. “I’m going to see if it’ll be possible to visit you for a weekend?” I have to form this as a question. The back and forth isn’t healthy for either of us. I don’t want to confuse him or confuse myself. “Only if that’s what you want. Don’t think about what I want or what anyone else wants. Remember that what you want is what matters.” “I know.” I pause letting it all sink in. “I should get going and head to bed. Remember, you’re three hours ahead of me,” he laughs and I hear the smile on his face. “Sweet dreams, Bay.” I let out a breath, “Sweet dreams, Ty.” Setting my phone down, I walk to my bathroom and brush my teeth. I think about the visit and maybe it’s something I can do. Finishing my nightly routine, I climb back into bed and see another message from Tyler. This time it’s a video. I smile and open it. How Did I Fall In Love With You by Backstreet Boys is playing in the background. He’s singing softly to me. Touching his face on my screen, I kiss him and hope he feels the kiss. Me: Thank you for my song Ty: Forever

The next morning, I grab my bag and climb out of my car to go to the gym. The air is humid and the sun’s out. With fall around the corner, I’m pretty excited. As much as I love summer, I love fall just a little more. I love seeing the leaves change and breathing in the crisp air. Fall also means the return of my beloved Pumpkin Spice Latte. Pulling my hair up in a ponytail, I walk in and hand the receptionist my card. Heading to the locker room, I look down to get out my lock when a wall collides into me, causing me to fall on my ass. “Ow,” I yelp, “seriously, can you watch where you’re going?” I get up and see a very tall and handsome man with deep brown eyes looking at me. “Sorry. I didn’t see you,” he states, holding out his hand to help me up. “I got it,” I sneer, “thanks.” I know I put my head down and all, but it’s not like you can miss me. I’m wearing bright pink shorts and a white top. “Sorry again. Have a great day.” He smiles and walks away, leaving me feeling like a total jerk. I turn around to apologize but he’s long gone. I put my things in a locker and head out to the treadmill to run a few miles before hitting the weights. Music thumps in my ears, pushing me to run, keeping my breathing leveled and my focus on point. When I run, nothing gets in my way. It’s the best stress release and what I’ve been doing for almost two years. Back in high school, I was a cheerleader and played lacrosse, so I’ve always been healthy and fit. Now I’m taking that fitness to a new level. Honestly, I need to protect myself and get away fast if I’m ever in that situation again.

“THANKS FOR DOING THIS for me, Mandy. I appreciate it. She needs to stay busy and get out there more. I owe you.” “No big deal. I agree she needs to be out there. Plus, it’s not like it took a lot. The firm loves her and she should be working. We swam the other day and hung out. She looks good.” I close my eyes and think about her happy and smiling. I want her to do things when I’m not there. I know it’s hard for her, and shit will hit the fan if she ever finds out my plans to get her to do things. I always will protect her and make sure she’s okay. “I’m glad. I think things will be good. Call me if there’s anything.” “Tyler?” “Yeah?” I hear Mandy sighing and taking a breath, “You know she won’t forgive us if she finds out, right?” “That’s a chance I’m willing to take. Thanks again. I’ll talk to you later.” “Ok, goodbye.” Maybe Mandy is right and this plan isn’t going to go well. I can’t sit back here in California and not do anything. She’s too talented and smart to be locked away. Maybe she won’t forgive me and maybe she will. Life is about taking chances and this is a chance I’m willing to take. One day she’ll see it from my perspective and everything will be okay. Being away from her scares the hell out of me. To love someone as much as I love Bayleigh is intense. My love for her has the power to wreck me if I ever fully lose her. I want the type of love that’ll last forever and with her, I know it’s forever. It’s something I believe in with my whole heart and is what I’ve been holding onto. I want her to listen to me and understand why I do the things I do. She’s my world and when you love someone as much as I love her, you’ll do anything to keep them safe and happy. No risk is too great when it comes to a forever love. There’s a knock on my door at the hotel. I get up from bed and walk over to open it. When I do, I see Serena holding bags of food and a bottle of wine. “Well, well. I knew I needed to come here and feed you. You look like a mess,” she laughs and comes in, putting the food and wine on the table and getting comfortable. Serena’s been my friend since I came to California. She’s one of the only girls I trust to be here with me because I know she’s not a vulture like the other girls I work with. There have been rumors going around about us. I ignore the useless office gossip and enjoy the time I have with my good friend. “I was going to order room service, you know,” I tell her, taking a seat on the couch and grabbing the container of sushi. “Thank you, though. I needed this.” “I know. So, how’s Bayleigh doing?” I shrug, “She’s okay. We sort of hooked up and she had a meltdown.” I explain what happened on my last night and what I planned with Mandy. She listens with wide eyes and a shocked expression. “I’m not the type of guy who’ll stand around and wait. I need to take action. I need her to see where I’m coming from. She’s so damn stubborn and proud sometimes. I get that she’s in pain and she needs to find her way, but fuck, where do I fit?” “You’re being selfish, Tyler. All I hear is what you want and what you need. Stop and think about

Bayleigh and not yourself.” Hearing her say I’m selfish leaves me defeated. My nerves are all over the place and my heart is sitting on the table, open for all to see the broken pieces. I’m left feeling raw and angry. The panic rises from inside me. Setting down the container of food, I walk to the window, placing a hand on the glass and looking down. A weird feeling comes over me. “And that’s why I left and I’m giving her the space she needs. We’re talking more than I thought and it’s actually really good.” I take out my phone and pass it to her. “Go ahead and see.” She opens my message app and reads the messages between Bayleigh and I. “So I’m doing everything I can. I guess I’m scared she’ll get used to the friendship and put me in the friend zone. Do I have a right to think that’ll happen?” I softly mutter. “I don’t know. To be honest, I think you coming back is a good thing. She needs to learn how to miss you again. Especially if she’s getting better. It takes time.” “I get it.” “Can’t rush something you want to last forever,” she tells me and pours us another glass of wine. As much as I love her and want her, I can’t force this to happen. Forever love means having patience and believing. I hate myself for pushing her. I’m heartless and I don’t deserve her, but she’s the air I breathe and the reason for life making sense. I have to keep myself busy and focus on our future. It’s the only way. The night goes on and soon it’s morning. Turning over on my side, I look at the empty spot next to me. I wonder what she’s doing and how she’s feeling. I wonder the same questions a thousand times and receive no answer. Normally, I would text her good morning or have a good day. Not today. The ball is in her court and I’m going to go with it. She’s made it clear she loves me and needs time. Whatever happened while I was home is gone and this is the start of a new beginning. I have to focus on my job and she has to focus on getting better. Even without my help.

TODAY’S THE FIRST day as Damon Ridge’s personal assistant. I’m awake with fresh eyes and a new mind. Parking my car in the garage, I enter the building and in big letters I see Ridge, Fowler, Ziegler and Associates. This is the start. I wait in the lobby for Mandy and when I see her come in, we take the elevator to the eighth floor. “You ready?” “Yeah,” I answer, “so ready.” Stepping off the elevator, Mandy brings me to Damon’s office and once inside, my jaw drops. I’m working for the sexiest man on this planet. He’s tall with dark brown hair, chiseled jaw, muscles galore and deep brown eyes. I look down and move a little to see if my panties are still on. Oh shit. “I know. Hot, huh?” Mandy whispers. “Morning Damon.” “Wait! Mandy,” I utter, trying to get her attention before he sees me. He looks up and smiles at us. “Ladies, good morning. And I presume you’re Bayleigh.” He looks at me with familiarity and I feel so small. I should walk away now and never look back. “Hi Damon. Sir. Boss man,” I instantly turn red and curse myself. “Present,” I raise my hand a smile. In the corner of my eye, I see Mandy trying to hold in her laugh. Getting up from his chair, behind his mahogany desk, Damon walks to me and shakes my hand. Wow, his hand is soft. “Nice to meet you. Thanks Mandy,” he winks at her and she leaves, mouthing be good. I shake my head and Damon guides me to sit down. “So, today’s your first day.” “Yes it is,” I confidently say, “thank you again for this opportunity. It means the world to me. I want to apologize about the other day at the gym. That was extremely rude of me.” “No worries,” he smiles, “you’re feisty and seem like you don’t like to quit.” If he only knew. “I like my employees to be fighters and I think you’ll be a good fit. I’m glad to have you.” Damon sits back down and hands me a packet. “Inside, you’ll find some necessary paperwork, your company credit card and keys to your company car.” “Credit card? Car? What?” He nods, “Yes. As my personal assistant I will need you to travel with me at times and you need to look your best. Our firm is all about being professional, and having fun of course. Our clients are multibillionaires and expect the best, so we show them the best.” I look down at my outfit and cringe. “You look fine, Bayleigh,” he tells me, “and the car will be used for whatever you need to. Working for me, I don’t want you to use your own vehicle or money. If you and Mandy go out for lunch or happy hour, use the card and if you run an errand for me, use the card and car. See where I’m going?” I nod, still in shock that these perks are being given to me. “Also, there’s a card for my driver, Johnson, so whatever you need, please call him and he’ll be at your disposal. Like I said, the information is all there, so be sure to read it over.” “No problem. I got it.” “I’m a very laid back and fun man, but I expect the best. My door is always open and I expect you’ll have questions, so be sure to ask. I’ll need you to attend meetings with me and take notes, review anything

I write to make sure I don’t sound like an idiot,” he laughs. “In case I am absent, I’ll need you to still attend any meetings or functions. Other than that, there will be basic, every day assistant tasks, and like I said, if you have questions, ask.” “Got it,” I smile. “So, can I ask you something?” “Sure.” “What happened to your other assistants?” “Well,” he leans back and smirks, “I’ve had a few and all of them were let go because of incompetence and one wanted me for herself,” he laughs. “I’m a smart man or else my name wouldn’t be up on the door alongside my best friends. I work hard and expect my team to work hard. I’m honest and expect honesty. Get it?” “Yes, sir.” Saying this causes him to smile. We talk about some other tasks and he shows me to my office. I’m stunned. My desk is huge and there’s a long couch against the wall along with a bookcase, two chairs in front of my desk, and a view of Rochester. “Wow,” I exclaim, “this is awesome!” Turning around, I look at Damon, “Thank you again.” “You’re welcome. Get comfortable and settled in. We have a meeting at noon,” he winks and heads out of my office. Turning on the computer and taking out the information from the packet, I read everything over and nothing seems to be out of the ordinary. Breathing easier, I turn my chair to face the outside world and spread out my arms, feeling free. Starting at noon until five, we have meetings and seeing Damon in action is brilliant. He’s confident with his words and people listen. We don’t have time to talk between meetings and I keep the notes clear and to the point. In the packet he gave me this morning, it states he doesn’t want essays, he wants the major points, any problems and solutions. In addition, he wants me to add any of my thoughts if I have any, and then all the notes need to be typed and emailed to him, but to store the paper notes in a safe place. Finishing my email, I press send and gather my things. I head to Damon’s office to say goodbye and see Mandy sitting down, talking to him. Knocking on the door, I get their attention and smile, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” I look at Mandy and the look in her eyes confirms my initial thought. Damon’s the Mystery Man. I know her too well and how she’s been acting. “Have a nice night and good job today,” Damon tells me with a smile. “Thanks. Mandy, I’ll talk to you later.” “Sounds good,” she responds. With a final wave, I head out of the office and to my car. When I get back home, I feel different. It feels good to be out of the house and doing something. I have a job and I’ll be making money. I look around my house and check my dad’s office. No one’s home yet. Grabbing an apple from the counter, I have a funny feeling. Looking around, I don’t see anything out of whack. Shaking my head, I ignore the feeling and head to my bedroom. Opening my door, I drop my purse and cover my mouth. “Ryan?” I let out. Tears flood my eyes and I’m shaky. “Ryan, what are you doing here?” His green eyes meet mine and all I can do is break down and cry. “Bayleigh,” he simply says, “hi.” “What are you doing here?” Ryan walks around my room, touching my dresser and the pictures on my wall. He’s not talking to me and I have to sit down. This isn’t happening. Ryan Scott is not here. It’s been two years since I’ve seen him. After that night he up and left. No one’s heard from him and now he’s here as if nothing is wrong. “I’m back,” he easily says. There’s something different about him. I’m not sure if it’s the calm in his voice or the bright green eyes that soothe my nerves. “You’re back?” I repeat to him, “You think you can come here and be in my room as if nothing happened?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m doing.” “You’re an asshole, Ryan!” I yell. “You do not have the right to come back into town and into my life. I’ve been through hell and needed my best friend.” “You have Tyler. He’s your boyfriend, right? And best friend.” I squint my eyes at him, “Low blow.” “How so?” Throwing my hands in the air, I shake my head and ignore his stare. I’ve known the Scott brothers my whole life and never was able to tell them apart. Everything about them is the same, except when we got older, Tyler was the one who got good grades and did sports while Ryan got in trouble all the time and barely made it through high school. When we first met, Tyler smiled at me and something sparked inside. I mean, we were only five years old, and then I met Ryan, and we clicked too. I love both boys and when Ryan left, it was like a piece of me went with him. “Care to explain why you’re back?” The thing about Ryan is he’s always up to something and I know his reason for being back isn’t going to make me happy. “Ready?” “For?” He leans close to me and looks at my lips. I’m paralyzed. What the hell is he doing? “For what?” “Let’s get lunch. I’m starving for sushi.” “I don’t want to get sushi!” I scream and plop on my bed, crossing my arms. I know throwing a tantrum isn’t cute. “Well, I’m hungry so you can sit there and pout like a child, or come get delicious sushi with me.” He kneels in front of me, brushing his hands down my legs. “What do you say?” “I want answers, Ryan.” He taps the tip of my nose, “Soon, sweetheart. Now, about that sushi?” The cockiness oozes out of him, and a smirk plays on his face again. “Get your ass up, Bayleigh Renee. I’m starving.” “You have issues.” We make it out of my house and I’m stunned to see the car in front of me. Growing up this was his dream car and he worked so hard for it. I wasn’t sure if he would even be able to get it. This sexy beast is amazing. A 1975 Camaro and it’s all shiny and pretty. “Macy’s my world. I never let anyone touch her or ride in her, so consider yourself lucky.” “Oh I do.” I laugh and I’m not sure where all of this is coming from. It’s a little confusing and hard to understand. I take a moment and sit down, thinking about the encounter from the moment I saw him until now. I feel Ryan’s stare and I don’t get nervous or panic. This is really starting to bother me. Something about him is pulling me in. He’s a puzzle that I want to put together. I want to know why I feel okay around him and why I’m not a hot mess right now. “Are you going to tell me why you’re back?” “I don’t think I need a reason,” he answers, starting the car and heading to the sushi place we’ve been to thousands of times. “I’ve been gone for a while. I miss my mom and Tyler.” “Oh.” I’m sure he forgot to add me. I guess he didn’t think about me when he was gone. Sure, I’m a little hurt he never contacted me after the rape and didn’t ask if I was okay. I mean, I’m just his best friend, so whatever. His hand rests on my knee, “I missed you too, Bayleigh. Just because I never called or anything doesn’t mean I didn’t ask about you. My mom kept me updated.” “Then why didn’t you ever call me?” He sighs and stares at the road, focusing on driving and not on my questions. “I’ll tell you when it’s time. For right now, I want to enjoy my time with my best friend. We have a lot to catch up on.”

The rest of the car ride is quiet as he drives the few minutes it takes to get to the restaurant. We walk in and are immediately seated in a booth. Putting in our drink orders and a few appetizers, we look through the menu and mark down what we want on a slip of paper. “So, tell me where you’ve been.” “Pretty much everywhere. I went backpacking through Europe and celebrated New Years in Hong Kong. Then stayed with friends in Colorado. Went to Vegas and now I’m here.” My eyes widen, “Wow, that’s cool. You seem different.” “If you’re trying to tell me I’m hotter,” he leans in and winks, “I already know.” Rolling my eyes, I shake my head and listen to him talk about his adventures. I’ve known Ryan my whole life and there’s something he’s keeping from me. I take a sip of the hot green tea and lean back in the booth. Part of me hates him for abandoning me. While the other part is throwing up her arms and celebrating because he’s back. Things with Ryan have always been easy and comfortable. He challenges me and never lets me fall, except after I came to, he was nowhere to be found. He left a letter saying he needed to get out town and away for a while. That was the last time I heard from him. “Why did you leave, Ryan? I mean, did you even come see me when I was unconscious in the hospital?” He looks down and drinks his tea. “Really? You can’t answer.” “Listen,” he says, gripping the tea cup. “I’m back and I’m sorry for leaving without saying anything. The memory from that night kills me. Hearing someone hurt you and left you for dead fucked with my head, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I didn’t want the image of you hurt and in a hospital bed to stay with me.” He reaches over and touches my face. “This is the face I always want to remember.” “You left me.” “I know and I’m sorry. I couldn’t deal with the guilt.” “It’s not your fault . . .” “It is and will always be my fault,” he cuts me off. “I was supposed to be with you and I was supposed to make sure nothing happened. But my dick was more important. You were so close to the apartment. I didn’t know something would happen,” he stops talking and looks down. I see his hands trembling, so I grab them and rub my thumb on his hands. “When I got the call from Tyler, I had to leave. Hearing his voice yelling at me, telling me I was worthless and what happened to you. I had to go. Everyone’s better off without me.” “Not me,” I tell him. “I needed you and still do. Things happened when you were gone.” “Yeah I know,” he whispers, “I’m sorry you and Tyler aren’t together. Are you okay?” “No,” I honestly tell him, “I don’t want to let him go, but I had to. When I’m ready to be with him, we’ll be together again, I hope.” “You will be. I have no doubt.” After we’re done eating, Ryan and I get into his car and he drives back home. The car ride is quiet and I’m not sure what to say. There is so much going on in my head. How can I forgive Ryan for leaving? When he pulls into his driveway, I hurry out and rush to my house. Before I reach the porch stairs, Ryan grabs me and pulls me to his body. He holds me tight, gripping my hair with one hand and holding me with his other. “Don’t be mad. Please don’t hate me,” he whispers, “please. There’s a reason why I left. There’s so much I need to tell you. For now, I need you to understand I miss you and now I’m back. That’s all I can tell you right now.” Panic sets in. Chills run down my body. I’m not sure why I need to hold him tighter. This isn’t the Ryan I know. He’s tougher and bit of a badass. Why is he getting emotional? “Don’t be mad, please?” “Okay,” I answer, resting my head against his chest, “I’m not mad.” “Good, because I’m back now and whatever you need, I’m here. I know you’re going through a lot

and things are confusing. Just trust me right now.” I look at him, and stare into his eyes. I’m looking for truth and something that will tell me he’s not going to up and leave again. “I want us to spend time together. To get to know each other again. We aren’t the same people we used to be.” He has no idea what he’s saying and how it’s affecting me. The words sink in and spark something inside. Between getting a job and getting back my best friend, the weight and stress on my chest slowly disappears. Everything happens for a reason and even though my life was thrown offbeat, things are starting to be put back in place.He touches my face with his smooth hand and smiles. “Friends?” “Friends,” I answer back. Deep down I’m happy he didn’t turn away. If I can be completely honest, I think I’m making a good decision. Later that night, after dinner with my parents, I head back upstairs to my room and write in my journal. Do you ever wonder why people come into your life? So Ryan’s back and I don’t know what to feel or think. There’s something different about him. He’s holding something from me and I think it’s something big. He’s been gone for so long and there’s really no reason why he should be here. Or is there? I’m not sure if I should tell Tyler. When Ryan left, Tyler told him to never come back. I don’t know what happened between them. I guess I never asked. Maybe now I should and figure out what happened between the two. The three of us were best friends and now we’re separated. Before, we used to always be together. When they first moved in, I met Tyler first. He was so cute and it was love at first sight. Then I met Ryan and I fell in love too. But the love I have for the Scott boys are different. I met Tyler first so that tells me something. I look down at my phone and pick it up. I should tell Tyler his brother is back and when he comes home, to not act like an asshole. Me: Ryan’s back

Bay: Ryan’s back FUCK! I clench my fists and pound the shit out of my pillows. Why the fuck is my brother back? Dialing her number, I get up from my bed and pace the room. He’s back for a reason and it’s not a good one. “Pick up, Bay. Pick up.” “Hello?” She sleepily answers. “Hey! I’m sorry I was out last night and got a little drunk so that’s why I didn’t respond to your text. Did you talk to Ryan?” “First, you’re up at four in the morning when it’s seven here? I’m not supposed to be up for another fifteen minutes,” I smile, hearing the smile in her voice. She hates my morning wake up calls. “But everything is fine and yes we talked.” “What did you talk about?” “I don’t know,” she pauses and I hear her moving, “just things.” “Tell me.” “Fine,” she sighs, “Ryan showed up in my room and we went out for sushi. He didn’t tell me much. Honestly, I think the reason he’s here isn’t a good one. He seems hurt and in a lot of pain. I don’t know, Tyler.” I’m on high alert. I love my brother and will do anything for him. Part of me blames him for that night and I hate the way he is when he’s with her. He was supposed to be with her and not let her out of his sight. I close my eyes and it comes back to me. I kiss her forehead and smile, “So have fun tonight and don’t leave Ryan’s side.” “I know,” she smiles and gets on her tippy toes to kiss my lips. “Have fun tonight with Dr. Powers. This dinner is going to take you places. I’m so proud of you, Ty.” “Thank you,” I smile back, stroking her arms up and down. “I wish you could come with me tonight. I don’t know how I’m supposed to impress him. I mean, one on one time with Dr. Powers means a lot,” I laugh. I’ve been working my ass off for the past few weeks, perfecting my presentation and now here’s my chance. “I want tonight to go perfectly.” “It will. And when you’re done,” she kisses me again, “you’ll come to the party and meet us. We’ll have celebratory drinks and then,” she leans in and whispers in my ear, “I’ll let you do naughty things to me.” God, I love this girl. Tonight’s the night I ask her to marry me. We’re going to spend forever together and nothing will change it. “Oh, I look forward to tonight Miss Murphy.” “You can count on tonight being the best night ever, Mr. Scott.” The night was going well until I got the call that the love of my life was in the hospital and my brother up and left.

“Ty, everything is going to be okay. Don’t worry.” “I worry because it’s you. You know I don’t trust him. Hell, it’s why we haven’t talked in two fucking years. I want you to stay away from him. You can’t trust him.” “Well, I think I’m capable of making that decision,” I hear the annoyance in her voice and it’s taking so much of me to not fly back to Rochester and kick his ass. “Stop worrying. You have a lot going on in California and you need to focus. Right now, this is your chance to make a difference in your life, so don’t worry about me.” I pull the phone away from my ear and press it against my forehead. I need to be calm and not freak out because I don’t want to scare her. I don’t trust my brother and there’s nothing she can say to me that’ll make me change my mind. “I love you, Bay. Promise me you’ll be safe.” I hear her sigh and sniff back her tears. Fuck, I hate this shit. “I love you too and yes, I’ll be safe,” she softly says, “I’m going to go, okay? It’s been a long few days and I’m tired.” “Have a good day, Bay.” “You too, Ty.” I hang up the phone and annihilate my bed. There’s anger and frustration inside me. Ryan fucking better not touch what’s mine. I can’t help but remember what he told me before that night. “So you really love her, huh?” I look at my brother and smile, “Yeah man. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me. I mean, it’s Bayleigh. Everyone knew we’d be together and now we are. There’s nothing that can happen to make me leave.” Ryan stares at me and gets up from the bed. “Just don’t hurt her, okay?” “Yeah, of course not. What’s your deal?” “Nothing okay.” Then it dawns on me. “You love Bayleigh.” Ryan doesn’t answer. He sits up straighter and looks down. When I think back to all the times we’ve spent together, I realize I’ve been missing all the signs. The looks he gives her and the tenderness he has for her. “We’re in love with the same girl and she picked you,” he says without emotion to his voice. “She’s yours.” Don’t go back there, Ty. She loves you, not him. Shaking myself out of my thoughts I make myself get ready for the day. Training goes pretty well. Later that evening the guys want to hit up a bar for happy hour. It’s a nice place and we’re sitting at a high table, drinking beers, and talking about the firm. I feel someone touching my back and turn around to see Anna. The guys eye me with raised brows. I roll my eyes. Her attempts are annoying. I met Anna when I first started. She was nice at first. We went on two dates, and then she became clingy and wanted more. She knew about Bayleigh and knew more wasn’t an option. After a few talks, she accepted us as friends. Things were fine, then came the I want you’s and let me make you happy. Needless to say, when I left California without saying another word to her, I was hoping that was the last time I saw her. I didn’t think I’d be back and here I am. And here she is. “Hey Tyler,” she says, taking my beer and drinking it, still eye fucking me. “What’s going on?” “Nothing much. Just wanted to join you guys since we’re all going to be working together.” “Well, sit here,” I get up from the stool and make room for her, “have a great night guys. See you in the morning.” I leave before she can say anything and feel her eyes on my back. I’m not playing these

games or using her for mindless sex. To me, sex is about emotion and feeling the other person’s heart with yours. Yeah, I’m a fucking sap and pussy. That’s fine with me. I know I can get girls and I know I can have sex whenever I want. The problem is, I only want to have sex with one girl. She’s going to make me fight for it and that’s okay too. I head back to the loft and get ready for bed. It’s still pretty early and I’m anxious to talk to Bayleigh. Sliding under the covers, I pull out my phone and text her. Me: Hey. How was your day? Bay: Good! Busy day. How are you? Still mad? Me: Pretty awesome, actually. I like it here. It’s hard adjusting with the time difference lol. I’m glad you had a good day . . . and I’m pissed Bay: Well, you’re only there for two more weeks so you’ll be fine haha . . . Everything at the firm is going well. I like working for Damon . . . And stop being pissed! For the love of God, he’s your brother . . . Me: Doesn’t matter. I trusted him to take care of you and he picked random pussy instead Bay: You can’t live your life blaming him, Ty. Please try and talk to him I want to ask her to come see me. I begin typing the message and then delete the draft. Bay: Please? Me: I’ll think about it if you think about coming to visit me My chest swells thinking about the possibility of her coming out here to visit me. Baby steps, I tell myself. I’m in love with this girl and it’s the kind of forever people look for. Some find it and some don’t. Well, I have my forever love and I’m going to keep telling myself this is how I have to behave and I have to be patient. Bay: I’ll think about it. I’m heading to bed. Thank you for texting me Me: You never have to thank me . . . I like our talks Bay: LOL. Night Ty Me: Night Bay

TODAY’S MY DAY OFF. I’m awake this morning and feel a little better from last night. There’s no weight on my chest and I’m smiling on my own. Having Ryan back in my life is surprisingly making me feel . . . better. Being around him is making me feel like me again. He’s not walking on eggshells or asking me a million questions. For the first time in a long time, I want to live and breathe again. Putting on my sneakers, I grab my phone and headphones and decide to go for a run. I need to clear my head. Stepping outside in the warm sun, I put in my earbuds and start running. I think of the past few times we’ve talked and hung out. Instantly I feel like an asshole. Tyler and Ryan haven’t been on good terms since the night of the rape. Tyler blames Ryan and Ryan hasn’t made an effort to talk to his brother. I hate this feud between them. Part of me wants to bring it up. I need to know if Ryan has talked to Tyler. Mentally yelling at myself, I continue running. Finishing my run, I sprint the last quarter mile. Catching my breath, I look up and see Ryan on my porch, looking at me with a smile. “Hey!” “Looking good, speedy,” he tells me. “How are you?” “Tired,” I laugh, “so don’t get mad, okay?” “Okay,” he smiles, “what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” “Have you talked to Tyler?” He rubs the back of his head and looks away. I already know the answer. “He knows you’re back.” I hear him sigh and see him sitting on the railing. “You can’t keep fighting with him.” “Yeah,” he huffs, “I know.” “Do you want to come in? I can make you something to eat and we can talk.” “Maybe next time, silly girl,” he smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” “For what?” “You’ll see.” “Again, can you please tell me?” He shrugs, “Nope,” he taps my nose, “just be ready tomorrow morning. I’ll text you with details.” Rolling my eyes, I wave goodbye and walk back inside and to my room. Pulling out my phone, I open my music app on my phone and listen to music. The shuffle mode plays Fix A Heart by Demi Lovato. I sit back and take out my sketch pad. My phone vibrates, bringing me out of my trance. Ryan: Tomorrow morning at 9am wear shorts and a shirt or whatever . . . Bikini maybe? =) But be ready Me: Ok? Ryan: Don’t think about it . . . Just do it. Listening to me will be good for you . . . I guarantee it I roll my eyes. He’s too cocky for his own good. Me: Cocky much? Ryan: I’d like to say I’m confident. Sounds better than cocky =p

Me: Whatever you say lol Not wanting to wait for his text, I grab my gym bag and head out. Mandy and I have a kickboxing class tonight. I haven’t been to a kickboxing class in a while. Lately I’ve been focusing on doing other gym routines like lifting and high intensity interval training. Stepping into the class, I see Mandy stretching and join her. “So you’ve been avoiding me,” I tell her, rolling my shoulders forward and back. “Afraid to tell me something?” “Shut up,” she pushes me and laughs. “I don’t want to talk about it now, but I will.” “You know I’m here for you.” “I know,” she says and we stretch until the instructor comes. Immediately she starts class, putting on high intensity music to get us moving. Feeling the burn in my arms and legs, I keep up with the instructor. I look over to the right and see Mandy. She looks at me with death in her eyes. “Let’s go, ladies. I want to see aggression. Pretend your best friend slept with your boyfriend or you found your husband in bed with your sister. Hit the damn bags!” the instructor yells. Closing my eyes and focusing, I think about Tony and rage spills from me. My hits are stronger and my grunts are louder. “You’ll never touch me again!” I scream, kicking the bag over and over again. “Never.” I feel arms around me and I collapse, crying. I think about that night again and I feel his rough hands. Why did that have to happen to me? I never did anything bad to anyone. I don’t know why I’m allowing him to control me from so far away. I have to learn how to control my emotions and my hate for him. “It’s okay,” Mandy tells me. The instructor tells everyone class is over and kneels down besides us. “Word of advice hun, don’t bottle it in.” She pats my shoulder and leaves the room. “She’s right, Bay. You have to talk.” “I know,” I whisper through the tears, “I know.” Sitting in my car, I pull out my phone and call Tyler. The phone rings twice and I hear his anxious voice. “Bay?” “Hey,” I force myself to say without crying. Hearing his voice on the other end, knowing he’s so far away, is killing me. I have to be strong or else he’ll come back. “How are you?” “What’s wrong? And please don’t lie to me.” He knows. He always knows. “I had a breakdown in kickboxing today. The instructor said to imagine someone you hate,” I start to cry, “and I pictured Tony. I hit the bag over and over again. Screaming and crying.” I hear his breathing growing faster, “I want to be okay. I hate this tainted feeling. He’s in prison and I know he can’t hurt me, so why do I think about it?” “Because baby, it’s something that happened to you. This is part of your journey to survive remember? You’re going to face these demons and you have to learn how to do it head on. It’s going to be hard. Don’t shut anyone out, even yourself. Let yourself be sad and mad. It’s normal.” I hear the hope in his voice and nod. We stay on the phone for a few minutes without saying anything. “Thank you for knowing what to say. I thought calling you would make you want to come back.” “Like you said, we need space and you need room to breathe and grow. But baby, you know I’d be there in a heartbeat.” “I know.” Taking out my journal, I put my thoughts to paper. Today I had a breakdown. It’s been a while and I’m not sure when I’ll have another. I kept seeing

Tony’s face. I want to hit him so bad and I want to see him to get answers. Why did he pick me that night? Why did he do that? Every time I get the courage to take the five hour drive to the prison where he’s located, I stop myself. I only get about twenty minutes from my house before I turn back. I don’t think I can do it. But I think I have to. Does that make sense? No one knows I need this and I’m not sure if I should tell anyone. What should I do? Putting away my journal, I head to my bathroom to get ready for bed. My mind is full of what’s going on with Ryan, Tyler, and what happened today at the gym. I hate breaking down and letting what happened to me affect me. I know rape is difficult and I know it’s all about time. But sometimes I want to make myself forget and never feel that kind of pain. That violation and self-loathing. Coming out of the bathroom, I see Ryan sitting on the edge of my bed. He’s wearing cargo shorts and a white tee. His hair’s recently been washed. When he lifts his head to look at me, I stop mid-step and stay where I’m standing. He stares at me as I open my mouth to say something, anything, because this whole showing up without being invited is not cute anymore. “What are you doing here?” “I need you to talk to me,” he answers and gets up to walk towards me. “I read some entries in your journal. Why are you blaming yourself?” “You read my private journal? Are you serious Ryan?” I push him, using all my strength to cause some kind of pain, but he doesn’t move. “You can’t come here and think you can waltz back into my life and start your bullshit about that night. There’s nothing to talk about,” I scream, “I’m dealing with it. How dare you invade my privacy?” “You left it out in the open.” I roll my eyes and snatch the journal away from him. I’m so angry he’s here and reading my words. “Why don’t you see your therapist anymore?” “Because I don’t want to. I don’t need to. Why are you even here? Get out of my room and don’t come back!” “Not until you talk to me, sweetheart.” I glare at him, ready to slap the smug look on his face. “Talk. Now.” “No. N-O,” I spell out for him. “Understand that, asshole.” “When did you get sassy?” He smirks. “It’s not sassy. It’s being annoyed, upset, and angry. Go, now. Thanks.” “Not leaving until you talk, sweetheart.” Being the stubborn person I am, I cross my arms and walk to my bed. I’m not playing these games with him. If he can’t answer my questions, then why should I answer his? An internal battle is raging inside me. Why’s he back? What does he want? Should I trust him? “I can stay here if you won’t talk.” He sits on my bed and keeps his stare on me. “Tell me why you’re back.” “No thank you,” he reaches out for my hand and I pull away. “I want to know how you’re doing because I care about you and want to know you’re okay. I’ll tell you my reasons for being back, but not tonight. That’s saved for a different time. When I can talk to you and Tyler at the same time. It’s something the both of you should know.” “Okay,” I respond, “I can handle that. He should be back in a few weeks.” “Good.” “Good,” I repeat.

“So talk. I promise you I’ll tell you my reasons for being back if you tell me what’s going on.” Rolling my eyes, I grab a pillow and hug it tightly against my chest. My body trembles with fear knowing we are going to be talking about that night. Sometimes it’s easier to try and forget. Only with his piercing eyes on me, that won’t happen. “I think about it a lot. I dream about it and all I want is to know why he picked me that night. Why did he have to do that to me? I want to see him and look him in the eyes. I want to see if he’s even sorry,” I explain, almost screaming when I tell him how I feel, “I want closure.” “Sweetheart, you won’t get it. You heard him on the stand, he doesn’t know why he picked you and he apologized. Yeah, that was bullshit and nothing he can say or do will help, but at least you know it’s not your fault.” “What do you mean? You weren’t there. You left already.” He nods his head, “I was there. I was there when you took the stand and I saw you breaking down. I wanted to come see you, but Tyler was there and I knew you were okay.” “I wasn’t, though.” “But you will be. Baby steps.” Suddenly he’s standing before me with his hands on my face. “I’m sorry. And I need you to forgive me.” “What?” I’m so confused. I don’t know what’s going on or what to say. I try to pull back and get space. I don’t want to be this close to him. He pulls me closer and his eyes are trained on mine. “Tell me you forgive me. That we can be the way we used to be. I messed up so bad and I don’t’ want to do that again. I know you should hate me. You have every right to hate me. But please don’t. I can’t handle it.” I’m not sure why his words are cutting me deep. I’m sobbing in his arms and all I can hear him say is everything’s going to be alright. “You shouldn’t have left. I needed you. We needed you.” I sob harder, gripping his tee shirt in my hands. Pulling me back to look at him, he caresses my face and kisses my forehead, “I know. I needed you too. But I’m back and things are going to be better. Okay?” I nod, hoping he means what he says.

IN THE MORNING, I GET ready and figure I have no idea what to wear on this thing with Ryan. Sending him a text, he responds with a message that included an eye roll. Ryan: Bikini =p Me: You’re ridiculous. Seriously please. Ryan: Fine. You’re no fun this morning. Shorts and a shirt is fine. I’ll be there soon =) The smile emoticon scares me. I finish getting ready and head downstairs to wait for him. Part of me still wonders about Ryan and why he’s here. Taking out my phone, I send a message to Mandy to tell her about Ryan’s unexpected homecoming. Mandy: Ryan Scott . . . Is back . . . In NY? Me: Yep and he’s on the way over. Care to bet why he’s back? Mandy: Honestly, I have no idea . . . Haven’t talked to the guy for a few years . . . Could be anything. Be careful tho Me: I know . . . I’ll be fine Mandy: PS we need to have dinner soon Me: I agree. I need to know more about Mystery Man AKA my BOSS! Mandy: Shut up lol There’s a knock on the door. I get up from the bar stool and open the door to find Ryan holding a hula hoop in his hand. “Are you serious?” “I sure am. I don’t joke around with bucket lists.” He pulls me outside and we walk to my backyard. Once he’s given me my hoop and walks to the opposite side, he turns around and faces me. “So, you know the position. Go ahead.” “Fine,” I seethe. Putting the hula hoop around my waist, I watch Ryan skillfully move his hips and the hoop swinging. “Not fair,” I tell him. After too many failed attempts, I throw the damn thing across the yard and pout like a child. I can do almost anything, yet moving my hips so that thing can swing is next to impossible. “Get up, Bayleigh.” I shake my head. “Fine, sit there and pout.” He disappears and I let out a breath. I guess I’m being too ridiculous and he had enough. Suddenly, ice cold water is sprayed on me. I scream loudly and jump up. Turning around, I see Ryan holding a hose with a big grin on his face. “Let’s go, princess. We don’t have all day.” Cursing under my breath, I get up and shiver. I cannot believe he sprayed me with cold water. “Fine. Whatever.” I grab the hoop and try again. Ryan stands in front of me and places his hands on my hips. “Like this,” he instructs and moves with me. Okay, this isn’t so bad, I tell myself. Ryan lets go and the hula hoop finally swings around my waist.

“Oh my gosh! I’m doing it!” I laugh and continue hula hooping. I know it’s not a big deal, but to me, it is. “See, practice makes perfect and you have the hottest teacher,” he says, bowing in front of me. “Alright, next one is whistling. So come on, show me what you have.” I do and spit goes everywhere. Not a classy move. “Wow, okay. That’s bad. So, I want you to lick your lips and form them into the shape of a duck face.” I do as he says and feel his hands on my cheeks. “Now gently blow,” he whispers. There are lots of things going on with my body and I can’t shake them off. “Keep going.” His voice is smooth and intense. Does he have to sound this sexy? Wait. Sexy. Ryan? No. I curse myself and push the sight of him out of my head. A few attempts and I have it. With both of us smiling, we head inside and I run upstairs to change out of my wet clothes. When I come down and head to the living room, I see him sitting down with his head in his hands. “You okay?” I ask, touching his shoulder and sitting down next to him. “Yeah, just tired. You mind if we cut today short?” “No, that’s fine. Want me to come over and hang with you?” He shakes his head and gets up to walk towards the door. “You sure you’re okay?” “Don’t worry about me, hula girl. I promise, I’m okay. I’ll catch you tomorrow, okay?” “No problem. Feel better.” I watch him leave and get into his car. Moving back inside, I lean against the door. I can’t believe he made me do those things and didn’t give up until I did them. Sending Tyler a good night text, I climb into bed and fall asleep. There’s still so much on my mind and I have to force myself to stop thinking. I cry and feel his hands on my ass. “Damn girl, your ass is fucking delicious.” “Please stop,” I beg and keep looking for anything to grab. I need to get away from him. “You know,” he says, “the more you beg, the more I want it. So keep going.” He licks my ass cheeks and all I can do is cry, whimpering, knowing what’s going to happen. He’s taking his time with me. I want to yell hurry up and leave, so I can be alone. I hate knowing what he’s going to do and there’s nothing I can do to stop him. “I promise I’ll make this good for you.” I cry harder. He’s gripping my hips and holding me tight. “Tell me you’ve been a bad girl.” “No.” He tugs my hair, jerking my head back. His lips are near my ears, “Say it.” “Please, I won’t tell anyone about this. Let me go. I’m begging you.” “Say. It.” “I’ve been a bad girl,” I whimper and feel a slap across my ass. “Stop!” I scream and feel the sharp pain of him inside me. “God, please stop!” I sit up straight on my bed and gasp for air. The scream rips through me and it takes me a moment to remember where I am. “You’re home,” I tell myself, “you’re home and you’re safe.” My parents burst through my door and my mom runs to me, holding me in her arms. “Honey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” she frantically asks, rocking me back and forth. I hold onto her and try to steady my breathing. “Bad dream,” I sniff and let her go, “I’m okay.” My dad pats my shoulder and kisses the top of my head. “Are you sure?” “Yeah. I’m okay. Promise.” Both of my parents kiss me goodnight and leave my room. The door is partially open and I see the lights turn off. I lie back down on my side and look out the window towards Tyler’s house. The moonlight

shines down and tears flow from my eyes. I miss him so much and need him here. My body trembles through the night and I have to keep telling myself I’m okay. The nightmares are getting harsher. Usually, I see his face and hear him call me pretty girl. I want that night to be out of my memory. It’s consuming me when there’s no one around and I have to fight to come back. I grip the sheets and count to ten. I’m going to be okay. The sound of my phone startles me. I pick it up, seeing a text message from Ryan. Ryan: Still up? Me: Trying to sleep Ryan: Bullshit . . . I’m climbing through your window now so unlock it Me: Why Ryan: Just do it Getting up, I unlock my window and throw on a light, zip up hoodie. Sitting back down on my bed, I wait for Ryan to come in. Feeling a little weird with him wanting to come in so late, I wonder what his deal is and why he wants to see me. After a few minutes, I hear the window open and see him popping in. “Hi?” I say, with uncertainty and doubt. “Don’t be like that. I’m only here because your mom told my mom you’re having bad nightmares again, so I’m offering my cuddling services.” “You’re what?” “You heard me.” He walks over to the other side of the bed. Tyler’s side. And gets under the covers. “Can you turn off the light, please? I’m exhausted.” “You are not staying overnight. Are you serious right now?” “Stop fighting it, Bayleigh Renee. Turn off the lights. I need to sleep.” Fuming, I look at the time and it’s already pretty late. I don’t want to make a scene and wake up my parents. Getting under the covers as well, I turn and look at him. “If you touch me, I’ll chop off your precious cock.” He smirks and places both hands behind his head. “Night, sweetheart.” “Night,” I mutter, reaching over and shutting off the lights. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out. Waking up the next morning, with strong arms around me, and legs tangled with other legs, I jolt open my eyes and see Ryan’s sleeping face. I didn’t have a nightmare last night and I slept very well. I can’t believe having Ryan here is helping me and I can’t believe I’m feeling okay with him here. There’s an anxious feeling brewing inside me. I don’t know why he’s here and what his plans are. I’m nervous to find out. I can forgive him for leaving and for that night. I don’t blame him, nor have I ever. The secrets he’s hiding won’t make me hate him either. I want to be there for him the way he is for me. Ryan is a cocky asshole, with a big heart and he means well. A lot of people misunderstand him and judge him before getting to know him. On so many levels, I feel connected to him and the anger I have towards him slowly goes away. Then I think about Tyler. If he saw this, right now, he’d flip. Tyler’s never liked my friendship with Ryan. I never understood why, nor did I ask. I figured it was Tyler being overprotective and guarded because it’s me. Maybe once he comes back, I can explain to him having Ryan in my life isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes strong friendships help pave the path to becoming a stronger person. When you have someone who is strong and willing to push you and keep pushing you, there’s a drive that builds inside. We both push each

other and I want that again. “God, stop thinking,” he moans and pulls me in closer. “Let go,” I laugh and nudge myself away from him. “I have to get ready for work.” “You can be late,” he tells me and it takes all my strength to get out of his death grip. “You know,” he opens his eyes, “I can get used to this whole waking up next to my best friend.” I roll my eyes and grab my clothes for today, “I’m sure you can. Okay, now go bye bye.” He blows me a kiss and winks at me before leaving my room.

I LOOK AT MY PHONE. It’s been a week since Ryan’s convenient return and we haven’t talked. Taking the glass of whiskey, I down it and look at the message again before pressing send. Me: We need to talk Ryan: I guess we do Me: Why are you back? Ryan: Done traveling . . . Need to make things right with you and Bayleigh. Lots of shit happened to me when I was gone. Don’t want any regrets I roll my eyes. My brother has always been the reckless and irresponsible one. He has a wild side and with me not there, I don’t know what he has planned for Bayleigh. Me: I get it. Don’t involve Bay in your crazy shit Ryan: Or maybe that’s what she needs Me: WTF are you talking about Ryan: She’s been protected and pampered her whole damn life. Can’t always save her Me: When it comes to Bayleigh, I will always protect her. Don’t fuck up anything Ryan: Wouldn’t dream of it, brother Only ten more days here and then I’m back home. Nothing will happen. The lurking fear takes over. I’ve never trusted my brother and now here I am, thousands of miles away, and there’s nothing I can do. I LET OUT A FRUSTRATED sigh and reread the reports again. My eyes are blurry and I need to head home to sleep off this stress. “Hey,” I look up and see Serena walking into my office with take out in her hands. “Thought you’d like this.” “Thanks,” I mutter and go back to work. “Sorry, I need to get these done.” “I know,” she says, handing me food and water. I look at her with a smile and dig in. “You’ve been moody. Everything okay?” “My twin brother’s back in town,” I reply, and take a few bites of the rice and chicken. “And Brian’s working me pretty hard.” “Why are you stressed out about your brother?” “Because he’s never up to anything good. Bayleigh always sees the good in him and never listens when I tell her to be careful.” I stand up and look out my office window. I know Ryan and I know his feelings for her. “He loves her too,” I quietly tell her. “But she picked you.”

“I know.” I can lie to myself and say Bayleigh doesn’t have feelings for Ryan. The problem with that is, I know she does. She’s always loved me and put me above everyone else. I know we’ll be together again. She and Ryan have a special connection I’ve never understood. She gets him and he lets her in. When they’re together there are no games or manipulation like he’s used to doing. When he left town, I was relieved. As much as I hate him, he’s still my brother and that’ll never change. I’m not stupid enough to think he’s a better person. Having Ryan back is an eye opener. When it comes to Bayleigh, I’m not tough or smart. I do dumb shit and push her. This time I have to rethink what I do and say to her. I can’t lose her. We finish work a little later than usual. Heading to my hotel room I do my best to get rest. Changing out of my suit and into sweat pants I slide under the covers, feeling the cool sheets against my skin, grabbing a pillow and hugging it against my bare chest. I look at the clock staring at back at me. The red numbers don’t move. I stare until the minute changes. After five minutes my eyes get heavy. When I close my eyes I see her and feel her hands on my face. I feel the weight of her body against mine. My heart slows and every muscle in my body relaxes. Missing her as much as I do scares me. Fighting the thoughts in my head I roll over on my side and wake up. A few hours pass and I know I won’t be getting any more sleep right now. Throwing on shorts and a shirt I put on my sneakers and make my way to the gym in the hotel and get on the treadmill. Putting in my earbuds and setting the speed to seven, I flush out the outside noise, focus on myself and my music. My feet beat against the treadmill in a constant rhythm. It’s only me in the gym, just the way I want it to be. Thinking about them together, hanging out, is driving me crazy. My mood is all over the place. I can’t focus on anything. Time needs to go faster so I can get back to Rochester and Bayleigh. The hollowness in my chest and the empty, off, feeling in the pit of my stomach hits me full force. Finishing my run, I lift some weights to release my anger and frustration. Luckily I’m the only one here, because no one wants to be near me right now. After a few sets, I grab a towel from the rack and go back to my room. It’s pretty late when I get back and I can’t sleep. Jumping in the shower, I let the water relax my muscles. My head is against the shower wall. All I can think about is her with my fucking brother. Stepping out of the shower, I put on my sweatpants and white tee when I hear a knock on the door. Opening the door, I see Anna standing before me with her hair tied in a loose bun wearing yoga pants and a tank. “Hi,” I say, not sure how I sound. I wonder what she’s doing here and what’s going on. “Come in.” “Sorry for barging in,” she stops to say as she walks in and makes her way to the couch. When she sits down, I notice her leg bouncing and I’m not sure what’s going on or what she has to say. “I’m sorry.” “For?” “Everything,” she looks up and gazes at me, “everything,” she repeats. “I know you think I’m a slut or whatever and I know you’re in love with Bayleigh.” “Anna, I’m not sure where this is going.” “I’m not sure either. I hate that you can’t talk to me and being around me makes you sick.” Instead of sitting next to her, I walk to the desk and lean on the edge. She sounds sincere and I feel bad for the way I treated her. “I get it. But you have to accept I’m not available. I know last year was confusing and I led you on. I’m sorry for that.” “I want to be friends,” she explains, “really I do. I miss our talks.” “Yeah,” I agree, “but you can’t talk about wanting more or needing me. I’ll be your friend and that’s all I can give you.” Anna stands up and walks to me, placing her hand on mine. “She’s lucky, you know. I hope she knows

how lucky she is to have you.” “Thanks,” and I mean it. “Okay well, I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for listening.” I nod my head and watch her leave the room. Taking out my phone, I send Bayleigh a text. Me: Sweet dreams It’s simple and to the point. I don’t want to be romantic or sweet with her. She has to know I can be friends for now. Just hope she can be ready soon and not fall for him. The next few days are a blur. Anna and I are working on a project and to my surprise, she’s acting like my friend and not someone who wants to have sex with me. It’s easy to work with her when she’s not eye fucking me. Watching her study the report, she leans over and lies on her stomach while I sit at my desk on the computer. “Why are you in that position?” “I think better this way,” she responds. “So, can we take a break?” Looking up from my computer, I stare at the stacks of binders on my desk. As much as I love working and meeting deadlines, these trainings and presentations are kicking my ass. A break sounds great, but so does this promotion that can open doors for me and for Bayleigh. “We have to finish,” I urge Anna, turning back to the computer and grabbing another binder. “No,” she tells me, “we’re going on a walk and clearing our heads. If I’m seeing double, then you’re seeing triple. Come on,” she whines and it’s getting on my nerves. “Fine.” Getting up from my desk, we head outside and for once, I have to say Anna has a point. Walking to the park across the street, I breathe in the California air and let it back out. “See, I told you this was needed. You feel better, huh?” “A little.” I hate agreeing with her. “You were right.” “Why, thank you,” she smiles and we keep walking. “Are you excited to go back home soon?” “I am. Nervous though,” I laugh, “with my brother back and Bayleigh still not telling me what’s on her mind, I’m not sure what I’m walking back into.” I’ve been talking to Anna about Bayleigh and Ryan. She listens and doesn’t offer too much advice. Between talking to her and Serena, I feel a little better every day, but it doesn’t take away from the odd ache I feel deep inside. When I go back home, things aren’t going to be the same and I’m not sure if I’m ready for it.

“SO THAT’S ALL YOU have to do,” Damon explains to me, pulling out a chair in the conference office. “Any questions?” I look up and glance at the notes I wrote during our meeting. “I don’t think so, Damon. It’s pretty easy.” I relax and set down my notepad. “Everything’s been going really well. I’m so happy to be here.” “I am glad you are here too,” he points at me and laughs. “You have this energy about you, Bayleigh. It’s rare.” “Energy?” “Yep. Energy. When you’re around, people feel safe and they feel good. Me? I feel incredible. Keep up with that energy and whatever you need, let me know.” He pats my shoulder and I follow him out. I think about his energy statement and it makes me feel better. The work day goes by pretty fast and Damon’s been keeping me busy with scheduling and cancelling appointments, reviewing his notes and pretty much anything he needs. “What’s with the face?” Mandy plops down on the chair and crosses her legs. “You okay?” “Yeah, just keeping busy. Some of these notes aren’t making sense. So I’m going over it before asking Damon what I wrote,” I laugh and put away my file. “So, are you ready to fess up?” “No.” She sits down and crosses her legs. “Nothing to report. I’m not interesting at this moment. You are.” “Not talking about it Mandy.” “Oh come on!” For the past few days, I’ve been with Ryan. We’re hanging out at the lake or going out to dinner. Things are interesting and I’m not sure how to put all my thoughts and feelings together. He still hasn’t told me the reason for his unexpected return and I haven’t asked. Instead of having nightmares about Tony, I’m dreaming about Ryan in ways that aren’t good. In my dreams, he’s kissing me and telling me how much he loves me. “I can see right through you,” Mandy states. “Are you falling for him?” I shrug. I really shouldn’t be. It’s been Tyler and it’ll always be Tyler. “Happy hour starts in ten minutes.” Mandy points at her watch and gives me a wink before leaving my office. “And don’t think I’m letting this go either.” Happy hour. Drinks. Bar. People. I feel my heart beating and my breathing hitting overdrive. I’ll be with Mandy and it’ll be fine. I’m a grown woman and there’s nothing to be afraid of. We get to Black and Blue and Mandy orders us a dirty martini. I sit outside on the patio, and take out my phone. I haven’t texted Tyler yet. I look at his last message from early this morning and wonder why he was up. Me: Happy hour right now for me . . . How’s work?

Ty: Busy as hell. How are you? We haven’t talked Me: I know and I’m sorry . . . Been busy at work, working out, hanging out with Mandy and Ryan Ty: Sounds fun. Are you hanging out with Mandy and Ryan or hanging out with them separately I cringe with his question. I’ve never lied to him and I don’t want to now. The topic of Ryan with Tyler is hard because of their fight and hate for one another. Every time I bring up Tyler to Ryan, he shuts down and doesn’t want to talk. I’ve never understood their fight and no one ever wants to explain it to me. Me: Separately . . . Don’t be mad Ty: Ok And he’s mad. Great. “Here ya go, girly!” Mandy says, sitting down and handing my drink to me. “Cheers to figuring life out.” We clink glasses and I take a sip. The alcohol feels good sliding down my throat. It’s been a while since I’ve had a drink. Drinking makes me lose control and I don’t like that feeling. I always have to be in control. “What a beautiful day out,” I say, looking around again, putting on my sunglasses. Even though Rochester has the wackiest weather, today isn’t bad. “What’s going on with you?” “Oh you know,” her voice trails off and she takes a drink. “Loving Damon and trying to get him to commit to me. He says he’s giving me everything he can and I can either take it or leave it. For now, I’m taking it.” Her eyes look away from mine. “Why won’t he commit?” “I don’t know to be honest. He mentioned an ex and I think she fucked with his head and now he’s scared of any sort of commitment, so he busies himself with work and at night and on weekends, that’s our time.” “So, what exactly are you guys?” “I don’t know. He doesn’t want to label it.” I reach out for Mandy’s hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sorry you’re confused. I wish I had advice. But if you want my opinion, I think he likes you more than he’s letting on. I saw the way he looked at you, girl. He’s totally falling for you.” “I hope so. I mean, it’s been a year,” her voice trails off again and she finishes her drink. “A year?” “Sorry! I’m not even supposed to talk about it. I need to though, because my head is so fucked up. Like, I don’t know what to do. I want more and he won’t give me more.” “Then talk to him,” I tell her, “tell him how you’re feeling.” “Not that easy,” she sadly responds, “I’ll deal. Okay, enough about Damon. Tell me about the Scott boys.” “Oh you know, I have a jealous ex in Cali and a mysterious best friend who is back in town and won’t tell me anything, so yeah there’s that.” “How does it feel to have Ryan back?” She sips on her second drink and lets me think. Honestly, the question is making me wonder. I’m not sure how I really feel. “Are you happy? Mad?” “I mean,” I drink my martini and lean back in the chair. “Okay, so Ryan has been my best friend since we were little. You know how they are. And you know how I am with him. Remember how I told you I met Tyler first and that means something. Sure they’re identical and all, but I knew it was Tyler. It’s always been Tyler. There’s nothing to feel for Ryan, yet there is. Yes, I am happy he’s here. A part of me wonders why, though. He’s been gone for two years. But I’ve been dreaming about him. It’s so weird.”

Mandy sighs, “I saw him the other night.” “What?” “Yeah, we had dinner. You know, catching up and all that. He texted me and wanted to talk.” A pang of slight jealousy hits. I didn’t know they had dinner. He told me the other night he was going out with his mom. Why would he lie? “So how was it?” She looks down and I know that look. “Mandy?” “I can’t say. I want to, trust me, but I can’t.” I reach over and put my hand on hers. We sit in silence and drink our martinis before our server comes and takes our order. Mandy doesn’t say much and looks distant. “Hey, so I was thinking about going to Del Monte this weekend. Spa day! Wanna go?” “Yes please,” she smiles, “I need a deep tissue so bad.” And now my best friend is back. When dinner is over, I head to the gym and get on the treadmill. It’s too late outside to run and I need to clear my head. Listening to Mandy talk about Ryan and telling me she knows something I don’t know is bothering me. She’s never broken a promise and I didn’t want her to start now. My wandering mind goes to different places and I can’t get it out of my head. What could he have told her? I kick up the speed to seven and focus on my breathing instead of Ryan Scott. Relief washes over me and thirty minutes later, I’m exhausted. Grabbing my things from the locker room, I head out and drive home. Once in my room, I look around and feel like something is off. Putting down my bag, I look down and notice a box on my bed. Sitting down, I open the box and inside there is a frame with a picture. The picture is of me, Tyler, and Ryan when we graduated high school. I pick it up and smile looking at the three of us. A card slides down and I pick it up to read it. I thought you’d like this picture. It’s been with me every day since I left. I never stopped thinking about you or my brother. Ryan I look out the window and see his bedroom light on. Heading out to his house, I go inside and call his name. Taking the steps one by one, I feel weird being here. It’s been a while since I’ve been over, but I know Moira won’t have an issue with me here. Opening his bedroom door, I see Ryan in bed. He’s on top of his covers and looks peaceful. Sitting down, I pick up a book he was reading. It’s a book of poems by Robert Frost-his favorite poet. Flipping through the pages, I see the poems he’s marked and notes he’s made. Reading his words, the emotions, the metaphors, and the way he fluently highlights the painful expressions, noting his own. I look at him, questioning if this is how he feels. “Why are you back?” I whisper, softly touching his face. “Bayleigh?” I turn around and see Moira at the door. “Hi honey. Is everything okay?” “Yeah. I’m sorry I came in without saying hi to you. I didn’t see your car so I thought it was just Ryan home.” “Oh goodness, don’t worry,” she smiles. “Come downstairs when you’re done.” “Okay,” I smile back and turn to Ryan. Grabbing a blanket from his closet, I drape it over him and whisper goodnight before heading downstairs. “Cookie?” “Ah, I can’t. I just got done working out.” “Oh please,” she waves her hand at me, “have one. You’ll be fine.” I give in and die as soon as the cookie touches my tongue. Honestly, this woman can bake. “How’s everything going?” “Good,” I answer. “Working with Mandy at the firm as Damon Ridge’s PA and keeping busy.”

“Have you talked to Tyler?” “Actually, we haven’t talked. I’ll text him later.” Moira smiles and puts out cookies on a plate. “Are you okay?” “Yeah,” she answers and I’m not convinced. “Moira?” Her head is down and I hear her sniffling, “Be there for my boys.” “Of course. Are you okay?” “I’m fine, honey. Just wanted to say that. They miss you and I know you’ve been there for them all these years.” Taking her hand, I give her a hug and we stand like this for a while. Since the death of her husband, David, she’s been fragile and sensitive. I don’t blame her. David was her world and he unexpectedly passed away. Aneurysm. I remember the day it happened and how broken they were. Ryan took it the hardest and Tyler took it upon himself to be strong for everyone. “It’ll be okay,” I reassure her, “I’ll be here.” It’s late when I get home so I don’t call Tyler. Instead I send him a text, letting him know I’m thinking about him and all is okay at home. MY HEART RACES AND my breathing is quick. My eyes won’t open. I feel his weight on me and his hands on my back. “Get off me,” I cry, trying to pull away, trying to do anything I can to run. “Bayleigh,” I recognize that voice, “it’s me, sweetheart. It’s me.” Turning over I see Ryan and the overwhelming emotions take over. The control I thought I had over me is gone. I feel helpless and I’m still letting Tony control me. Ryan carefully pulls away, with his eyes on me, and lightly strokes my arm. The look on his face makes me turn away. Pity. Fear. I hate those looks. “Are you okay?” I don’t answer. “Can you talk to me because you scared the shit out of me?” “I thought you were Tony. During the rape,” I start to say, swallowing the lump in my throat, “he never let me see his face until the very end when he thought I died. He’s the last thing I saw before I blacked out. When you touched me, I don’t know what happened, I thought it was back to that night.” I shouldn’t be going through this anymore. The vice grip on my throat tightens and the weight on my chest gets heavier. I’m panicking because I don’t know where I am. I know I’m in my room. I know I’m safe and Ryan’s here with me, but I’m not here. “If me being here is too much, I’ll leave. But I thought it would be nice to have you sleep through the night without waking up screaming.” “It’s not your fault, Ryan. I’m still scared and messed up. I appreciate you being here.” I mean what I say, but I know I’ll push him away the way I push Tyler away. I’m a mess. A hot mess and there’s nothing anyone can do to help me. Therapy didn’t help. Being around Tyler didn’t help. There’s nothing. The only one who can help me be stronger is myself. I need to pull myself out of the nightmare. He runs his fingers through my hair and rests his other hand on my knee. “It’s going to be okay. You can’t let him take you down.” I nod, listening to what he’s saying, forcing myself to believe it. “I’m going to protect you. Even if I have to buy a blow up bed and put it in your room or sleep on the floor up against the wall, shit, I don’t care. You need to tell me what I can do to make this better for you.”

“You’re doing it now,” I admit. He leans down and kisses my forehead. I feel his breath on my face and feel his arms around my waist, pulling me against his chest. I rest my cheek on his shoulder and hold him back. But when I close my eyes, I don’t see Ryan. I see Tyler and the blue eyes I love so much are looking back at me with regret and sadness.

A VIBRATION NEAR MY face wakes me up. I pick up my phone and see Ryan’s name on the screen. “How do you feel about heights?” I cringe, “Good morning to you too. I hate them. I’m so afraid of heights. I won’t even ride a roller coaster.” “Perfect.” I don’t respond. What’s he up to? “Why are you calling me so early?” “Get up now and be ready in 15.” “Ugh. Fine.” I get out of bed and quickly get ready. Putting on shorts and a zip up hoodie, I throw my hair in a ponytail and head downstairs. My parents are away this weekend in Canada. They asked if I wanted to go. Honestly, I’m exhausted from working and need a few days to lay low. Grabbing a quick breakfast, I hear the door open and see Ryan walking in with a smile on his face. I smile back and turn away. Part of me feels like I’m cheating. Guilt takes over and I feel a little uneasy. I want to cancel today and go back to my room. “Hey, what’s wrong?” “Nothing,” I answer. “Just feeling a little tired.” “Lies,” he responds and walks to me. “Whatever it is, you’ll be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise,” he tells me, rubbing my shoulders. “Come on.” We head out of my house and to his car. Ryan opens the door for me and as soon as he gets in he starts the car and drives. I still don’t know where we’re going. For some reason, I’m not uncomfortable either. I trust Ryan and trust is so hard to earn these days. He has no idea what he’s doing for me and I don’t want to tell him, either. His hand grazes mine, causing a bit of a shock to me. I don’t pull away. “Can you give me a hint?” “We’ll be there soon.” I see a hint of a smile on his face. “And by the way, you look beautiful.” Instantly, I blush. The only person who has ever called me beautiful is Tyler. My heart aches thinking about him. He hasn’t texted me back and I know he’s upset with me for hanging out with Ryan. Glad he’s not here to see it now. I pull out my phone and send him a text message. Me: Good morning! “Where’s your head at?” Ryan asks. “Nothing’s wrong.” “Liar.” He’s not buying it. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Just then, Ryan pulls the car to the side of the road and puts the car in park. He turns to look at me. “What?” I ask. “I think we need to come up with a plan.” I sigh, “What plan?” “In order for this friendship to work, we need to be able to be honest with one another and not keep secrets. Don’t be like those other girls and say nothing, when you really mean something. I hate guessing. Plus, I’m a guy and the language of women is so confusing. I know when you say nothing, something is

wrong.” “Thought you said our language is confusing.” “It is,” he laughs, “so let’s try again. Where. Is. Your. Head. At?” I roll my eyes, “Tyler and I are weird right now. I wish the both of you would talk and not let your fight get in the way of being brothers. It makes me feel guilty that I’m here hanging out with you when he’s asked me to come out to California multiple times and it doesn’t help that he comes back next week and I haven’t figured anything out.” “I see. Well, do you still love him?” I nod. “Forever. I only broke up with him because I didn’t want to hold him back. The rape changed me. I’m not the same girl that I was. I have bad nightmares. He treats me like a child, like a project that he needs to fix. I get it, but I think we needed space and time apart.” “What you and Tyler have is special.” Ryan whispers, “It’s not something you can always find. My brother loves you and the both of you belong together.” “I know he does and I love him too.” “Do you know how hard it is to be back here?” I shake my head and listen. “It’s one of the hardest things I have to do because I know what I need to do.” He takes my hand and places our hands on his lap. “I will always choose you. Before, I didn’t care about anything or anyone. It’s my nature to hurt people and leave a path of destruction. Tyler’s the better brother and I’m the demon spawn.” I glance up and see his pale face looking down. His hand is still on mine and I’m not sure what else he wants to say. I’m afraid to respond. I have no words. Ryan’s always been the different one. He’s a puzzle I can never put together. With me, he was sweet and sincere. I saw his destructive nature and how he treated people. Never me though. “Why did you leave me?” “Do you really want to do this now?” I breathe in a breath. “Yes.” “Because you deserve better.” I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head and feeling his grip get tighter. “You didn’t need me and I couldn’t stick around. The thing is,” he pauses and looks away then back to me, “I love you.” “What?” Ryan’s hand comes to my face. He gently touches it, tracing a line from my cheek to my lips. “Your lips are soft,” he whispers, “we should get going.” “Not until you explain what you just said.” “That I love you and I’ll always choose you. There’s nothing to talk about. You and my brother need to be together and you need to be happy.” It takes me a minute to register everything he just admitted to me. What the hell am I supposed to do with this information? Getting out of the car, I put my hands on my head and let out a groan. I hear a car door close. “Why did you tell me this?” I scream, not able to look at him. “Because I needed to and now you know.” “What the fuck do you want?” “Nothing.” I turn around and see him leaning against his car with his arms crossed, “I want nothing. Just for you to be happy.” “This is so wrong. I mean, you can’t just tell me you love me and you’ll always pick me and then think it’ll be okay. You’re confusing me and I don’t want to be confused. My life is supposed to be with Tyler.” “Then be with Tyler. It’s not hard to figure out, Bayleigh.” Part of me wants to tell him about the mixed feelings. Something’s stopping me and before I can talk,

my phone vibrates in my pocket. It’s a text message from Tyler. I can’t bring myself to open it when I’m standing here arguing with Ryan. “You don’t drop a bomb on someone and then expect them to be okay. How do you expect me to react?” “Like nothing. I told you what I told you and now you have to be okay with it. I don’t expect anything. Now can we go please? After, we can talk more about it.” I want to argue more and fight. There are so many questions circling my head and nothing is sitting right with me. Instead of saying anything else, I get back in the car and close the door. Ryan follows and starts the car, continuing down the road. My heart drops when we make it to the place he wants to take me. I see a helicopter and suddenly I can’t feel my feet. “No. Nope. No.” “Come on, Bayleigh. Conquer your fears.” “Take me to the damn zoo or through a haunted house. Hell, lock me in a closet. I am not going on that death trap. Do you want me to die?” “Come on, silly girl.” He gets out of the car and walks to my side. I am holding onto the door for dear life so I don’t have to go up in that thing. When Ryan opens the door, he quickly unbuckles me and pulls me out. I’m holding onto the seat, refusing to leave. “If you don’t let go, I’ll tickle you.” “You wouldn’t.” He cocks his brow and his hands find my sides and tickle me. Holy shit, he’s tickling me and touching me and I’m really turned on. “Life is about taking chances. Here’s your chance to do something you’ve never done before, Bayleigh.” Ryan lets go and holds his hand out to me. I let out a sigh and look at him. He’s right. Life is about taking chances, but I’d like to take baby steps first. “Are you sure we’ll be safe?” “Yes. I won’t let anything happen to you.” “Okay.” Getting out of the car, I place my hand in his and we walk to the helicopter. I say a silent prayer. Our pilot, Zion, helps us in and buckles us inside, while going over what he’s going to do and how safe we are up here. Yes, because being thousands of feet off the ground is so safe. I roll my eyes and feel Ryan’s hand on my knee. When I look at him, I see his eyes on me. “Don’t be afraid. Remember, I won’t let anything happen to you.” “Okay.” The corners of his mouth turn up and he stares at me when Zion gets into his seat and takes off. I like how he pushes me. It’s nice not to be coddled. “Are you going to stare at me the whole time?” “I like to look at beautiful things,” he tells me. “You look really nice today.” I blush, “Thank you.” “You know,” he starts to say, “I like making you smile.” “Why?” “Because when you smile, there’s a slight sparkle to your brown eyes. It’s like watching the sun set. The colors are beautiful, just like your eyes dancing when you’re happy. It’s nice to see that.” The more he talks to me, the more relaxed I am. At first I was a little nervous because I’m not sure how to act or what to say. He loves me and came back for me. What the hell am I going to do now? I look out the window and feel my heart beating out of my chest. Oh shit, we’re really high up. I can’t believe this is happening. Quickly, I shut my eyes. Then I feel Ryan’s hand run down my arm and his fingers lace through mine. “Breathe, Bayleigh. It’s going to be okay. Whenever you’re ready, open your eyes.” His voice is calm and soothing. I need him to keep talking.

“Keep talking, please.” “Hold my hand.” I do as he says and squeeze his hand. “Good girl. Breathe in and out. You’re doing a great job. Whenever you’re ready, open your eyes and look at me.” I turn my head and slowly open my eyes. “There’s my brown eyed beauty. Are you okay?” “Feeling a little better,” I whisper. He strokes the top of my hand with his thumb. “Good. Keep looking at me and when you can, turn around and look outside. You’re missing a great view.” I inhale through my nose and hold my breath, slowly turning around and letting my breath go through my lips. He’s right. The view is amazing. We’re flying over the lake and it’s beyond beautiful. “Wow! Oh my god! Ryan I’m flying. I’m high in the air. Oh,” I sigh, “you’re right. It’s so beautiful.” “Yeah, so beautiful,” he mutters softly. Heat rises in my cheeks. I’m not sure if he’s talking about the view or me. After the helicopter ride, we head out for dinner and both of us are craving sushi. We decide on the same restaurant we went to before for lunch and are seated after waiting a few minutes. My head is still light from the ride and my adrenaline is kicking. I still can’t believe I did that. Part of me is happy and I feel better. When he drops me off at home and walks me to the door, I lean on my tippy toes and gently kiss his cheek. We stand in front of one another for a moment and it seems perfect. I’m still not sure how to register everything and I need to understand what’s going on. His hand rests on the small of my back. “What was that for?” “Thank you for today. I had a lot of fun.” “I’m glad you did.” We say goodnight and I watch Ryan walk home. He doesn’t look back. I don’t know why I feel a little hurt. Instead of going in, I sit on the swing, watching his house, wondering what he’s doing. The fascination I have for Ryan is driving me crazy. This shouldn’t be happening. But it is.

“HONEY WHERE ARE you off to?” “Morning Mom,” I go up and kiss her cheek. “Just going to hang out with Ryan. Not sure what we’re doing today.” “Ryan, huh?” “Yes,” I tell her, “is that okay?” “How’s Tyler doing?” It’s not that she asked how he’s doing. It’s her tone. She’s giving me a look and it’s making me mad. The kink of her brow and the way her eyes are on me. The judgment she’s expressing is making me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Yes, Tyler is the love of my life and yes, we’re trying to work things out. Ryan’s my best friend and I care very much about him. I admit I’m very confused about my feelings. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s around and keeping me busy and it’s strictly friends or if there’s something more. But, for now, with Tyler gone, I need to spend time with Ryan and figure it all out. The difference between the Scott brothers is that Ryan is pushing me and making me face my fears. We’re going through my bucket list and he’s peeling back the layers. He’s not afraid to hurt my feelings and when I look into his eyes, I see me. Then the other part of it is the secret he’s hiding from me. Even though we haven’t talked about it, he’s going to have to talk about it sooner or later, preferably sooner before Tyler comes home. “Mom, it’s Ryan. We’ve been best friends for so long. Why are you worried?” My mom doesn’t answer. She keeps herself busy, making my dad lunch, and doesn’t look at me anymore. “Mom?” “When I look at you I see Tyler, honey. I don’t want you to forget who he is and what he’s done for you.” I honestly don’t appreciate the emphasis on her words and it’s really starting to bother me. “When two people love each other the way you and Tyler do, a relationship shouldn’t be hard.” “It’s not that. Mom, it’s hard for me to be close to anyone, let alone him. Don’t you get it?” She doesn’t answer me. “Mom, I was raped.” As soon as I say it, she winces and closes her eyes. “My life will never be the same. I want to be sure I’ll be good enough for him. Please understand.” My mom doesn’t say anything. Instead, she stops making dad’s lunch and comes over to me. Pulling me in for a hug, I feel her tight arms around me. “I have to go.” She nods and kisses the top of my head before letting me go. I don’t look at her. Grabbing my purse, I head over to Ryan’s house and walk inside, up the stairs to his room. I hear music playing from his room and walk inside to see him sitting down against the wall with a frame in his hand. “Hey,” I say, walking in and joining him on the floor. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing. I haven’t felt this good in a while,” he turns and smiles at me. Putting down the picture, he takes my hand. “Let’s head out to the lake house.” The drive to Canandaigua is quiet. We listen to music and I notice how focused he is while driving. I wonder what he’s thinking about, if he’s thinking about anything at all. There’s a lot going through my head and I wonder if he’s feeling the same. It really shouldn’t matter because I know who I love and who I want to be with. When he comes home, I’m going to tell him I want him back. And I’m only here with

Ryan because we’re friends and it’s only confusing because they’re twins and when I’m with Ryan I think of Tyler. That’s the only thing I can think that makes sense. I love Tyler. Forever. I notice Ryan’s not going the way that takes us to the lake house. I look around to figure out where he’s taking us. “Ry?” “Batting cages,” he simply answers and makes a right turn, then goes straight. “Remember, that’s on your list and I think it’ll be good for you and I.” “Why’s that?” “I don’t know. You’ve been busy at work and I have a lot on my mind. We both need to take out our stress, don’t you agree?” “I guess,” I answer and look at him. “What’s going on with you?” His cocky smirk makes my heart race. I see his hand lift from the steering wheel and head towards my knee. My body tenses and freezes. Why am I acting like this? We’ve been best friends for so long and now he’s back so we can hang out and be like we used to be. Watching his smirk grow and the way he’s handling the car with one hand, while using his other hand to touch me, holy hell why am I feeling like this? Everything feels out of control. Does he know what he’s doing to me? “Again, what’s going on with you? I ask, hoping this will distract me so I don’t think about his hand resting on my knee or the sexy smirk or thinking about that tongue of his. Tongue? No. I can’t. What the fuck is wrong with me? I love Tyler and I’m not okay with this. Yes, even though Ryan needs me, he needs me like a best friend needs their partner in crime. We’re two peas in a pod and have the best kind of friendship. “I’ll tell you if you can successfully hit the ball three times.” Bastard. He knows I can’t, but fine, challenge accepted. “Fine. Deal. Let’s do this.” We make it to the batting cages and I hurry out to get ready. While at the machines, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I look around and see people with helmets on and in the proper stance. Shit, I hate baseball. I’m never going to be able to hit the balls. Ryan makes it back over to me and hands me my gear. Putting it on, I head inside and pray I can do this. I feel his eyes on me and I’m not sure what that’s making me do. I block out his stares and focus on winning this damn bet. Feeling his hands on my hips causes a burning sensation in my body. I close my eyes and try to regulate my breathing so I can calm down. This is crazy. His hands gently stroke down my arm to my wrist and he moves me so I’m in the right position. “Like this,” he tells me, his voice husky and deep. “All you have to do is keep your eyes on the ball,” he instructs, keeping his hands on my hips. Fuck, we’re really close together. “The ball is going to come soon. Do you feel it coming?” “Coming? Ball? What?” “Focus, Bayleigh. The ball will come really fast and hard. Just keep your eyes steady and trust me. I won’t let anything hurt you.” “Okay.” The ball comes my way, I swing and miss. This goes on for a few minutes and I’m getting frustrated. “I can’t do this!” I scream. “Why are we here? Why do I have to hit these balls?” “You need to face your fears and do it.” I glare at him, “Well, I don’t freaking want to, so let’s go.” His hands are on my shoulder, his eyes are on mine, and his expression is intense. He’s gritting his teeth and there’s nothing in his eyes; just the beautiful baby blues I’ve been seeing for the past few weeks. “Get. Back. In. There.” “NO. N. O.” He scoffs, “No wonder you’re so scared of your own shadow. You give up so easily. I don’t know

why I thought you could do this.” Red. I see red. “Who the hell do you think you are? Coming back from the dead and trying to squeeze yourself back into my life.” “From where I was standing, it looked like you needed it, sweetheart.” “Don’t call me that.” “Why not sweetheart? I mean, you’re acting like a brat, so why not give you a pet name. Sweetheart.” I want to punch him in the face. I want to do something to prove him wrong. “Fine,” I throw up my arms, “I’ll do it.” Getting back in the batting cages, I get in the standing position and focus. It’s only a ball. I can do this. The ball comes flying out and I keep my eyes open and swing. The ball goes flying and internally I’m cheering. I can’t lose focus. That might have been a beginner’s luck hit. “Ready for the next ball? It’ll come faster. Be ready or else it could be messy. Or you can give up and we can go home.” “I’ll hit it.” I watch the ball coming, swing, hit and boom. “Two out of three balls,” I tell him. “I’m going to win.” “Focus, Bayleigh.” I watch the ball come again, swing and miss. “Go again or are you quitting?” “Again.” I hit the next ten balls and put down the bat, walking out with a smug look on my face. Looking at Ryan, I give him my helmet with a wink, “Admit I did well.” “You did pretty well,” he laughs and puts his arm around my shoulders, sending chills down my body. “Then are you going to tell me?” “Can we drop it please?” The serious expression on his face is making me feel small. I can’t shake off this uneasy feeling in my stomach. Something terrible is wrong with him and he can’t tell me. Usually it’s not this hard. I mean, I know we’ve been apart for two years, but we’re best friends. If he can push me to complete my bucket list and tell me how he feels, then he needs to tell me what’s going on. I don’t know why he’s holding it in. When we walk back to the car, it gives me a chance to think about how I was after the rape. I pushed everyone out of my life. The only people who fought to stay in were Mandy and Tyler. Mandy never let me forget how strong I was and that I was going to get through it as long as I didn’t push people away. Everyone else lived their lives and some would message me on Facebook or post on my wall. It wasn’t anything personal so I ignored all the messages. It wasn’t to be a bitch or anything, I just didn’t want to deal with the Q and A session online. There are still lingering questions about Ryan and why he’s here and pushing himself back into my life. I know I’m feeling better and I’m happier, so that’s something to think about. Leaning back in the passenger seat, I rest my head against the window and suddenly feel sad. I feel the tears building up. “Bayleigh?” I don’t respond. He drives faster and for some reason this makes me cry. Pulling into the parking lot of the lake house, he parks the car and unbuckles his seatbelt. Turning to face me, he makes me look at him and says my name again. “Talk to me.” “No, because you can’t talk to me. I want to know what’s going on with you. I mean, you’re back now and I feel like there’s this hole between us that can’t be filled. I lost my best friend, Ry, and I don’t like that feeling.” “You never lost me, Bayleigh. Even though I was gone, I thought about you all the time and made sure you were okay.” “But I wasn’t okay!” I yell, “No one was okay. You left and never even came to see me.” He hangs his head and I see his chest rising up and falling back down. “I went to see you. Tyler ran home to shower and get more things and your parents were getting dinner. You were lying there and had

machines beeping all around you. The bruises on your face and neck fucking killed me.” His eyes shoot up to me and he flinches when he sees the shocked look on my face. “I sat on the bed and took your hand. I begged and cried for you to open your eyes and wake up. I told you how sorry I was and how I hated myself. Every time I’m around, something bad happens, so I had to leave. I had to leave you and everyone behind so I didn’t hurt anyone anymore. I told you one day I’d be back and hoped you would forgive me. And you do forgive me. It’s not sitting well with me though. I need you to fucking yell at me. Make me feel like shit.” “I can’t. That’s not how I feel. Yes, I’m still upset you left and never tried to contact me. But you’re here now and that’s what matters.” I grab his shoulders and give him a squeeze. “You’ll always be my best friend. That’ll never change.” “I want to be more. I want to create more memories with you and make sure you are living. You deserve this life and all the good things that will come your way. You deserve the world, the moon, the sun, the galaxy,” he pauses, breathing in and out, “you deserve it all.” It’s hard for me to say anything. I get what he’s telling me and part of me agrees. I do deserve to be happy and he’s helping me get there. Only, it’s not just Ryan who is helping me. I have Mandy, Damon, my parents and myself. This is the turning point I needed to see and understand. My list was the start and now I’m letting people back into my life and I’m doing things more, especially things on my own, and I’m taking care of myself. It’s all because people believe in me and I believe in myself. I believe that I can get through this and I can overcome all the obstacles that come my way. I can do this. “I need you to do something for me.” “What?” I look up and feel Ryan’s hand in mine. “Step away from your life for a moment.” I cock my brow and am confused. “Why?” “Because I can promise you, your problems will be there when you come back. Leave it all behind.” I smile and nod my head. “Can I trust you?” “Always,” he smirks and kisses my forehead.

WE RELAX ON THE boat as it bobs in the water. The day is turning into night and it’s almost time to head back to the dock. We’ve been out here for a few hours and there’s been no heavy discussion about anything .We’ve listened to music, went swimming in the lake and tanned on the boat. He’s telling me about his travels and I fill him in about my job. I feel like for the first time I’m in control and Ryan’s letting me handle things at my own pace. I left my issues at the dock and I’m trusting him. It’s my turn to figure out how to get him to talk. If I can tell him how I feel and about the missing two years, then he can fill me in too. After helping Ryan with the boat and cleaning up the lake house, we head to his car and drive home. “Thank you for today,” I smile and tell him. “It felt really good to be out and leave my problems at the door.” “You need to learn how to deal with your issues head on.” His hand is resting on my thigh, causing warm sensation running down my body. It’s a simple touch, yet it feels like so much more. When I open my eyes and look at him, I see something different. I can’t explain it. The look in his eye is more and it’s the same way Tyler looks at me. “Can we talk more about your feelings for me?” He shakes his head, “Not tonight. I don’t want to have this day tainted with arguing or anger. Today was a good day for both of us and I know we’ll have more. We’ll talk soon. I promise.” I hold out my hand and link my pinky with his. “Now you can’t break your promise to me.” “I would never.” Ryan drops me off at my house and tells me he has something to do and he’ll text me later. I walk in and see a note from my parents telling me they’re grabbing dinner and a movie. I’m glad to have the house to myself. Going upstairs, I jump in the shower and stand under the water, letting it cascade down my body, washing away the day and the layer I don’t want anymore. Wrapping a towel around my body, I brush my teeth and finish getting ready for bed. Grabbing my journal, I get comfortable on the ledge by my window and write about my day. When I write about Ryan, a smile comes on my face. I can’t get over what he said about loving me and always choosing me. Does he mean that as a best friend or lovers? I think I know the answer and it’s hard for me to accept. He knows Tyler and I have history so I’m not sure if registering my feelings for Ryan is right. It feels like nothing I do is right when it involves my heart. I haven’t talked to Tyler today. I miss him, but I had a lot of fun with Ryan. I checked my phone a lot today and there hasn’t been a message or phone call. I’m not sure what’s going on with him and I don’t know what to think. I stop writing and look up to the Scott’s house when the light in Ryan’s room turns out. I see his shadow and am about to text him when I see some blonde bimbo in his arms. “Are you serious?” I mutter and watch the soft porno in front of my eyes. He’s taking her in his arms and it looks pretty rough. I watch him pick her up and he slams her body to the window. Her long legs

wrap around his back and they’re kissing as if they’ve never kissed before. His hands are gripping her tight and it’s really pissing me off. It hits me. I care that Ryan is hooking up with some random chick and the reason has my heart ready to explode. I’m about to go over there and punch her face is because I’m jealous. I want that. I want what he’s giving her. I step away from the window and crawl into bed. I can’t believe this is happening. I’m falling for my best friend while the man I love is thousands of miles away. The next morning after finally deciding to get out of bed, I get ready for work and head out with my coffee in one hand and my keys in the other. Putting on my sunglasses, I look up and see Ryan’s bedroom curtains closed. Rolling my eyes, I ignore what I saw and head to work. Getting Damon’s meeting ready, flashes of Ryan run through my mind. His smile. His eyes. The way he looks at me when we’re standing before one another. Then the image of him and blonde bitchbimbo comes to mind. I can’t believe he had a random hookup after the day we had. Sure, I don’t have a reason to be mad, but I am. Reaching for my phone, I text Tyler. Me: Good morning. I hope you had a good weekend. I hung out with Ryan and we hung out at the batting cages and the lake . . . Can’t wait until you’re back . . . I hope you have a good day. XO Bay Looking at the message, guilt sinks in. I’m allowing these feelings to consume me and I’m not allowing myself to piece together the puzzle because that’s what life’s about. You know as children we can’t wait to grow up and be adults so we can drive, drink, stay up past our bedtime and fall in love. We play dress up with our friends and pretend we’re married to the cute boy with a crooked smile. Then we grow up and are faced with decisions that will affect more than one life. We’re so close to the edge and need someone to pull us back. But do we really need someone to do that or do we need to find the strength to do it on our own? Resting my head against my desk, I pull out my phone again and hop onto Instagram. I look at the pictures posted and come across Tyler’s post. There’s a picture with him and Serena. Jealous rage sinks in and I let out a groan. I stare at her pretty little face. She’s smiling and holding my Tyler. What the fuck? I know they’re friends and they work together and everything, but does she have to be all up on him? Really? Hanging out with this beauty tonight @SerenaA_35 #HappyHour #LovingCali A pang in my chest grows. I look at the picture and hate how pretty she is. I wonder what he’s doing now. The picture was posted last night. When I click on his profile, I don’t see too much. There’s a picture of us when he left. I click on it and regret it immediately when I read the caption. When you love someone and they don’t love you back. There are a few comments under the picture. Nothing rude or mean. A lot of sad faces. I’m hurting him because I’m too selfish to let him love me. Before it was because I needed space to find myself and slowly I am. Now I need the distance to sort out my feelings. Even though we aren’t together, I feel like I’m cheating on him. I click on her Instagram and stalk her pictures. God, I hate her. I don’t care if I don’t know her. There are more pictures of them together and she has tons of selfies about being confident about yourself and loving yourself. I roll my eyes and let out a scoff. Whatever. Like she has confidence issues.

The day goes by fast before Mandy comes strolling in my office with a smirk. “I know what you’re doing.” “What do you mean?” She sits down and plays with her nails, tapping her foot up and down. “I’m not dumb. You’re confused and I think . . . ,” she taps her chin, “I think it involves two brothers. The Scott brothers to be exact.” My face grows red. I hate this. I’m looking at my best friend and I want to lie to her. I want her to not be mad at me. “I get it, Bayleigh.” “How did you know?” She looks away then back at me, “Because I was with Ryan this morning. We had breakfast. He called me and wanted to meet up.” She pauses and looks away, “He said he loves you and to be honest when I saw a picture of you and him on his phone, you had this smile on your face I’ve never seen.” I whisper, “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I mean, how did I let this happen? I’m supposed to be waiting for Tyler and I’m over here falling for his brother. I’m a whore,” I laugh, shaking my head. “When Tyler finds out, he’s going to be so heartbroken and it’ll be my fault.” “You have no reason to be sorry.” Getting up from the chair, she comes around my desk and I get up to hug my best friend, the girl who has been there for me and never left my side. “I think you’ll make a mistake if you choose Ryan.” I’m a little taken aback by her comment. As much as I love Mandy, there’s a manipulative side to her and I wonder if she’s using it on me. “Tyler’s your forever love. He’s been there for you and wants the best for you. Even though he’s thousands of miles away, he’s still protecting you and checks up on you. I know it’s hard to understand, but a forever love is the kind of love you never want to lose.” “It’s not like I love Ryan or anything.” “But you have strong feelings?” I nod my head. “Does he know?” I shrug. “You have to make a decision or else you’ll lose them both girl.” “I know.” I agree with her statement and in the back of my head, I know this is going to be the toughest path I’ll take. Every time I close my eyes, I see his heart, only I don’t know whose heart it belongs to. “What am I going to do?” “That’s something you’ll have to figure out girl. Honestly I think you need to go to California and see Tyler. The both of you need to talk and figure this out. ASAP.” Everything I thought I knew about being in love and what I want goes out the window. I don’t know anything about this. I have to learn how to listen to what my head is telling me. I can’t listen to my heart because it beats for two people. Knowing what I have to do gives me the little strength I need to stand. “Let’s get lunch,” Mandy suggests and I agree. A little air and girl time will help. When we get back to the office, I help Damon with his schedule and book his trip to New York City. Finalizing his itinerary and printing it out, I head to his office and place the folder on his desk. There’s a quote calendar that catches my eye on his desk. “You can love two people, at the same time, and think about them in the same way, but you can’t ever love two people at the same degree.” How? I don’t get it. I read the quote over and over again, memorizing it, replaying the words in my head until it’s ingrained in my memory. This trip needs to happen as soon as possible. Heading home, there’s an envelope with my name on it lying on the counter. Picking it up, I open the envelope and take out the letter.

Bayleigh, I need to get out of here for a little bit. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I think you and I need space. I’m only a text away. Don’t hesitate to ask me anything. Ryan The letter falls to the kitchen floor and I stare blankly at it. He’s gone and never said goodbye. I have space from Tyler and now Ryan. This situation is reaching a level I never thought possible.

I CHECK OUT SOME FLIGHTS the next day at work. There are some I’m looking at and I’m about to purchase tickets when Damon calls. “Hey. What’s up?” “I’m stuck at the fucking airport,” he screams. “The damn plane has issues and I can’t get a flight. I need you to get to the airport now and come get me. I’ll have to do this damn meeting via Skype. Need you to stay late tonight and come to the meeting with me tomorrow.” Fuck. “Okay, I’ll be there in a few.” Shutting down the computer, I grab my things and hurry to pick Damon up. As soon as we’re back at the office, I’m moving around his schedule and calling the New York City office to let them know of his absence. It takes over four hours to figure out how he’s going to present the information via Skype and his other meetings. Some of the New York assholes are giving me grief and all I can do is apologize. It’s well after ten in the evening when I’m packing up my things. Heading to Damon’s office, I see Mandy on the floor with him. They’re eating Chinese food and there are files all over. I smile and leave without saying goodbye. When I get home and shower, I slide into bed and look at my phone. I haven’t heard from Ryan and I don’t try to text him or call him. He has things he needs to figure out and I’m not going to keep pushing him. Whatever is going on with him he obviously needs to figure out on his own. I think about Tyler and count down the days until he’s back. I miss him. I hold my phone and curse myself. This shouldn’t be this hard. Me: Hey sorry . . . been busy. How are you? I wait for a little while and still there’s nothing from Tyler. Turning off my light, I let my eyes close, thinking about him, wondering what he’s doing. “Tell me how good this feels,” he grips my hair and pulls. I wince and cry, not able to tell him to stop. “Tell me.” “Please stop,” I tell him, “this isn’t what I want. Please don’t do this anymore.” “No,” he screams, yanking my head back, “tell me now!” “It feels so good,” I cry, my voice trembling. Waking up in a pool of sweat, I cover my face and remember that I’m in my room. Tony isn’t here. I’m safe. I grab my phone and call Tyler. The phone rings and it goes to voicemail. “I had a,” I pause to regain my voice, “bad dream,” I cry. “Just wanted to talk. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you.” My voice trails off and I try to go back to sleep. Only, it’s not working. Getting out of bed, I look at the time. Three in the morning. I’m so tired, but I’m scared to go back to sleep. Grabbing my laptop, I pull up the meeting notes for today and review the notes, highlighting the important parts and adding a few suggestions.

Before I know it, I’m in the office and we’re in a meeting. I keep looking at my phone and still there’s nothing from Tyler or Ryan. I sigh and focus again on the meeting. After back-to-back meetings and a one on one with Damon, I’m back in my office. I have a few things to do for him. Settling in at my desk, I fix the Excel reports for this quarter and add a few notes for Damon to look at. It’s close to eight and my phone has been quiet. Getting up, I stretch my arms over my head and feel my body cracking. I’m still not done with what I have to finish for tomorrow. My phone rings just as I’m ready to look at the next report. The screen shows Ryan’s name and I smile. “Hey, what’s going on?” “I need you to come pick me up, please.” The anguish in his voice has me up from my seat and rushing downstairs. “Where are you?” “I’m . . .” his voice trails off and I hear him crying, “hospital. Come get me, please.” “On my way.” I rush to the hospital and find Ryan sitting on the bench. I quickly park the car and run outside. Kneeling in front of him, I see the pain in his eyes. “What’s wrong?” He pulls out a bottle of tequila and downs it. Wiping his mouth he looks at me, “Bad appointment and I’m drunk. I don’t want to go back to the house and I don’t know where else to go,” he looks down and takes another drink. I grab the bottle and toss it in the bushes. “Hey! What the fuck?” he yells. “No! You don’t need that,” I yell back. “I’m sorry you had a bad appointment. What happened?” “Nothing. Just a physical. I’m fine,” he says looking at me. “You know,” he lowers his voice, “seeing you and your smile makes it worth it.” “Come on. You can sleep at my house.” He nods and gets up. I help him to my car and send a quick text to my parents letting them know about Ryan. When we get to my house and into the living room, I grab a glass of water and crackers and place them on the nightstand. The couch has blankets and pillows. “Lie down here,” I tell him. Easing him down, I take a seat on the other couch and watch him pull the blanket over his body. “Will you tell me what today was about?” “No.” “Well, you’ve been gone for a few days and I have to pick you up from the hospital. Are you okay? Should I be worried? Does your mom know?” “Just stop talking. I don’t want to talk about me.” Neither of us talk. I think Ryan needs the calm and quiet right now. My eyes dart around the room to see if my parents will come out and talk to us. They don’t. “I had a bad dream,” I tell him, “and I’m afraid to go to sleep. I’m not sure how to handle these dreams. I know it’ll come and I know I have to deal with what happened. It’s just hard.” I break the silence after a few minutes. “Can you come here and sit next to me?” “Sure.” I get up and sit by his hip and his hand rests on my thigh. “Can I get you anything?” “Not right now,” he whispers, closing his eyes. “Just need you next to me.” He rests his hand on mine, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you had a dream. Are you okay? His soothing voice is making me feel a little better. “You need to know he can’t hurt you. I know it’s hard, but let that shit go and remember you only have one life to live. Don’t live in fear or else you’ll miss everything.” “I guess so,” I answer. “So I’m going to head upstairs. Let me know if you need anything.” “I need you to stay with me tonight. Please.” I look at him and smile. “Okay.”

MY PARENTS ARE OUT of town for the weekend and Ryan is on his way over. Taking the cookies I’m baking out of the oven, I set the tray down and look at my phone. Ty: Hey. Are you okay? I roll my eyes. It’s been days and now he wants to text me. Ty: I’m sorry, I had to get a new phone and I’ve been busy with work . . . Talk to me, are you okay? Me: You seem pretty tight with Serena . . . Going out and having fun . . . I mean, you’re single so you can do that. Ty: Please don’t do this . . . I am sorry . . . Are you okay? Me: Yep. Fine. Ryan was over the other night and we talked . . . And yes, I am busy . . . Ryan’s coming over and we’re gonna watch movies . . . Ty: I’m glad you have my brother there to help you . . . I should get to the point of this text . . . I have to stay in Cali a little longer . . . I’m not sure when I’ll be home, maybe in another week or something . . . They’re having me start a project here and then once it’s been set up, I can bring it back to Rochester and finish it. Whatever. I really don’t care and I really shouldn’t be mad. We’re both single and he’s doing his thing in California while I’m here doing what I need to. This is my idea. This is what I wanted. Me: That’s awesome, Ty . . . I’m proud of you . . . Of course, I wish you were coming home sooner. Ty: I know . . . I miss you . . . So, what’s going on with you and my brother? The both of you seem cozy . . . Me: Like you and Serena? You still haven’t answered what I asked earlier Ty: Serena’s my friend Me: And Ryan’s mine Ty: And you don’t like him or anything? Guilt spills over my guts. I wish there was a time machine I could get into and reverse time. This is not what I need right now. Ty: You’ve never lied to me, so please don’t lie to me now. Me: I’m confused . . . I love you, but there’s something about Ryan . . . It’s easier with him. Ty: I’ve been trying to get you back and trying to get you to do things . . . Anything . . . And shit, you push me away. So wtf Bay, what am I? Me: You are my best friend and I’m sorry you feel this way . . . IDK what else you want me to say . . . Ty: Fine, whatever. I already know how this is gonna play out. Me: Enlighten me!

I wait for Tyler to text back and he doesn’t. I call him and the call goes straight to voicemail. This isn’t good. We never end a conversation like this. I sit on a chair in the kitchen and rest my head in my hands. Is this possible? I mean, what exactly am I doing? The doorbell rings, bringing me back to the present. I get up and put my phone in my back pocket, not wanting to think about Tyler and his nonsense. Opening the door to let Ryan in, he gives me a hug and follows me into the kitchen. “Oh, chocolate chip cookies,” he laughs, taking one off the tray and taking a bite. “What the . . .” he runs to the sink and spits out the cookie, turning on the faucet and drinking the water. “What?” “Why are these so damn salty?” “Huh?” I take a small bite and nearly hurl. “How’d I do that?” I go through the ingredients and realize I mixed up the sugar and salt. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I hold in my laughter. “Way to go. You seriously failed at making chocolate chip cookies. Who does that?” “Apparently me,” I laugh again. “New nickname. Instead of calling you silly, I’ll call you Chip so we can remember this day.” “Chip? Isn’t that a boy name?” “So? Ryan is unisex. I declare Chip a unisex name too!” “Whatever you say. Come on, let’s watch The Fault in Our Stars.” There’s a groan from Ryan and I laugh. I’m not going to let Tyler ruin today. He asked me a question and I’ve never lied to him, so I didn’t want to start. He needs to know the truth and what’s going on. So then why do I feel like my heart’s breaking and there’s a heavy weight resting on my chest? Taking my phone out of my pocket, I check it again and see nothing from Tyler. I have to ignore him and maybe he’s letting out steam before we talk. Who knows? “Go ahead and get set up, I’ll be in soon.” I nod and turn out of the kitchen to start the movie. Looking for my phone, I realize it’s in the kitchen. When I get back, Ryan’s looking through it. “Ahhh, hello?” I snatch the phone from him. “Seriously?” “Why are you and Tyler fighting?” “Just drop it, okay?” “Not until we talk about this.” He takes my hand and we sit across from each other in the living room. I don’t know what to say or where to start. As I feel his eyes on me, I close my own and think about what I want to say. Life is a mystery and we have to make it our own. I can’t bottle in my emotions all the time. “I’m confused about what’s going on between us. I mean, I know we’re best friends and I know you love me and the times we’ve spent together have been really fun. You do something to me and I can’t explain it.” He smiles and takes my hand. “I’m afraid to not have you.” Ryan puts his head down and stands up. I follow suit. “I do love you, but I think you’re misunderstanding me. We’re best friends. That’s all I can give you right now. Don’t take it the wrong way or anything. I don’t like anyone,” he laughs, holding my shoulders. “Why didn’t you fight for me?” “Don’t put me in that spot. You can’t put me on a pedestal. Like I said, we’re friends and I don’t want to make your life hard. As much as I love you and care about you, we’re meant to be friends. You’re meant to be with my brother.” Tears roll down my face. Standing in front of him, telling him how I feel, all I want is to feel. His fingers gently wipe away my tears and he gently kisses my forehead. “Don’t worry. You won’t lose me, Bayleigh.” “I feel like I am. You make things better. I can breathe around you.” Wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders, I lean in to kiss him, but he turns his head and my lips land on his cheek. Neither of us says anything. I’m not sure what to say. How can he change his feelings all of a sudden? What the hell is

going on? “Let’s go and finish the movie.” He takes my hand and leads me out of the room. My head is foggy and I’m more confused than ever before.

SINCE TELLING HER I’ll be in California longer, something seems off. We haven’t talked and I don’t know where her head is at. What she said about being confused is weighing on me. I need to go back to Rochester and get answers. We can’t have this conversation over the phone because I know she’ll hide from me and tell me what I want to hear. Right now, I need the truth and I need it now. She needs to understand I’m done with these games. But I’m stuck in the office with Anna. It doesn’t take long before she realizes I’m not going to touch her or do anything with her along those lines. She’s been giving me looks all night. We’re both working late to finalize the presentation and all she’s doing is lifting her skirt higher and pushing her boobs in my face. To any other guy, sure they’d want her. She’s hot and completely fuckable. Not what I want. “If you’re not going to help me, then you can leave. Stop trying to get me. It’s not going to work.” “I want to take your mind off things. I’m not looking for a relationship. You know this.” I put up my hand, “First you want one and it’s not going to happen. We talked about this. You told me you wanted to be friends. I don’t understand how much clearer I can be. What do you want? Anna, I’m trying here. I don’t know what else I have to say to you. You are a friend, but soon you’re not going to be anything if you keep this up.” Anna crosses her arms and sits down on the floor, “I know and I remember everything I said to you, but you’ve been so sad lately. It’s like I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re not the same.” I roll my eyes, “I have a lot on my mind and no, I don’t want to talk about those issues with you.” “I know you and Bayleigh are having issues” she starts to say, “I mean, we all know you love her and want to be with her and she’s treating you like you’re nothing. So, why do you put up with it?” “Because that’s what you do when you’re in love. You fight and you wait. You pray that everything will be okay and she’ll come back. You never let go of love completely.” I stop what I’m doing and pick up the bottle of water next to my leg. Holding it in my hand I take a few gulps, look down and put the bottle back next to me. “It’s complicated. A few years ago something happened and it changed our lives. She’s trying to get her life in order and keeps pushing me away because she thinks I deserve better.” “Well, what do you think?” “I think that she needs space and that’s fine. But I need to know what else is going through her head. We don’t talk about anything anymore. I don’t want to hound her, because apparently I do. That’s the thing,” I pause, “I love her so much that it clouds my mind. Nothing makes sense without her. Everything is Bayleigh. I’m turning into a pussy.” “No you aren’t,” she calmly responds, “don’t be so hard on yourself. It sucks now because love is never supposed to be easy. If you want to be with her and you think your love is strong enough then take a chance. You never know what’ll happen.” Taking a deep breath, I finish my water and nod my head. “Thanks Anna. We need to finish this.” After the presentation and work, I head back to the hotel and pack my things. I’m finishing the rest of the project in Rochester and need to get shit figured out. I never should have left her or taken this

promotion until she was able to come with me. Everything I do, I’m doing it for her. Confirming my flight, I head downstairs and get in the taxi. Going through security at LAX is surprisingly fast. I think about telling her I’m on my way home, but I don’t. I need to catch her off guard. The flight is fast and I don’t have time to think of a plan. Everything’s jumbled in my head. All I can focus on is seeing her and hearing her voice. Talking to her on the phone isn’t enough. If she can see me and hear me out for a few minutes, I’ll feel better. Pulling up to her house in the rental, I stop and look to see her sitting on the swing. She’s laughing, smiling and there’s something different about her. She seems lighter and happier. My eyes go to the person next to her. Ryan. Their eyes are on each other and she’s hanging onto his every word. Physical pain I can’t describe burns in my chest. I close my eyes, ignoring the pain inside me. As much as I want to get out of the car and beg her to listen, I know I’ll end up the loser in this game. It never occurred to me this is where we’d be; that after eighteen years of friendship and our whole lives being in love, that this is where our lives would take us. She doesn’t care anymore. I’m the only one in love when it comes to her and me. I look back and see her in his arms. She’s laughing so hard I think she’s going to end up on the ground. I never could make her laugh like that or smile. Whenever we were together, it felt forced. It’s all making sense now. I wait a little bit longer before leaving the car to talk to her. When he leaves, I take a few breaths and walk up the porch to ring her doorbell. “Ryan, what’d you forget?” I hear her ask. My eyes are on the swing and all I can see is her and I, holding hands, laughing and talking about the future. Now the swing’s tainted. “Tyler?” I lift my head and force a smile. “Hi.” “What are you doing here?” she asks, opening the door to let me in. “Oh my gosh, did you just get here?” “Been here for a while. I ah, was in the car. Didn’t want to bother you.” “What do you mean?” So many emotions are building inside of me. I don’t know how to remain calm and not appear jealous. When I left for California, I didn’t think I had anything to worry about. Now with my brother back, something is off and I need to figure this out before I lose my shit. “You seemed busy. How is my brother doing?” “Ryan’s fine,” she eyes me, “why don’t you go talk to him?” Bayleigh busies herself in the kitchen, getting me a glass and filling it with lemonade. “I mean, we can talk later. We have a lot to talk about.” “Yeah, of course we do and that’s why I’m here.” I stop talking and really look at her. She’s different. There’s something light and happy about her. She’s not sad or holding walls up and all it took was for Ryan to come back. “I have to leave tomorrow night, so I hope you have time to talk to me and hang out.” “Of course.” She takes my hand and we head outside to her deck. I watch her sit down and cross her legs. The sun is out and it’s shining down on her. Damn, she’s so fucking beautiful. “I know this is hard for you to understand and I’m sorry I’m so confused. Both of you have been my best friends since we were little. I love you Tyler, and I love Ryan.” “Do you love Ryan like you love me?” I ask, gripping the glass of lemonade in my hand. “The truth please.” “Real talk,” she starts to say, “my love for Ryan is deep, but it doesn’t measure up to yours. The only thing is, Ryan’s not hovering over me like you did. I’m not a project to him.” “Are we really back to that? He wasn’t around when you were hurt and depressed. He didn’t have to see everything I fucking did, so explain to me how you can breathe around him.” She doesn’t say anything and it’s causing me to lose control. “If you don’t’ say anything Bay, I’m out of here. I need you to open

your mouth and talk to me.” I get up and stand before her, pulling her up from the seat. “I know I told you the that ball is in your court and that’s true, it is, but I didn’t think I would have competition.” “You don’t.” “I do,” I quietly tell her, feeling the softness of her skin on mine. “I do and it’s killing me. I should walk away and let you go. The thing is, I can’t and I won’t. So, say something and talk to me before I lose my mind.” “I love you, Tyler. You’re my forever, but honestly there’s something going on with Ryan and I want to spend time with him. Yes, he was gone for two years and you had to endure my pain. He’s back now and he’s making things right. Can you understand where I’m coming from and accept it?” I’m not sure what she wants me to do. Standing here before her is hard and I’m ready to lose my shit. I don’t want to cry and look like a damn fucking pussy. I’ve cried in front of her before, but this time, if I do break down, I don’t want her to feel obligated to feel sorry for me. Reaching out, I touch her hand and force another smile. She looks at me with her big, gorgeous brown eyes and tilts her head in that cute way that makes me smile. I squeeze her hand tighter. I can’t do this. Placing my hands on her face, I kiss her with everything I have. Her body freezes and then immediately relaxes. Her arms wrap around my neck and our lips linger on one another. Standing in the middle of her kitchen, holding her, kissing her, wanting to feel her body against mine. It’s doing things to me and I don’t know how I will be able to stop myself. My lips trail down to her neck, smelling her, breathing her in, feeling her chest rise and fall from excitement. When my lips find hers again, overwhelming feelings rush to me when I realize what’s going on. She’s holding onto me tighter than ever before and meeting me kiss for kiss. Bayleigh pulls me closer and each pull shows me what she’s feeling. Her tongue twirls in my mouth, tasting me, exploring me like she’s never done before. My hand rests on the small of her back, going down to her ass. I hear soft moans and push my arousal into her. Immediately, I pull away. I can’t do this. “What’s wrong?” “I can’t,” I shake my head, “I can’t do this. This kiss means more to me than you’ll ever know. For a split second, it felt like we were on the road to becoming us again and I don’t think that’s going to happen.” I lean forward and kiss her forehead. “I’m keeping that kiss forever.” Without warning, I leave her kitchen and rush to my house. Taking the stairs two at a time, I head into Ryan’s room and see him on his bed with his ear buds in. When he sees me, he sits up and doesn’t say anything. “Welcome home brother,” I seethe. Ryan pulls the ear buds out of his ears and gets up from his bed. “You’ve been back less than a month and you’re already causing shit. Do you know my fucking girlfriend is confused?” “I know. I told her not to be. I want you and her together.” “You dumb shit.” Swinging my arm with full force, I punch his face and watch him fall to the floor. “She’s mine. Why the fuck are you messing with her head?” He slowly gets up and wipes the blood from his nose. “I love her too. I told her we can’t be together and we have to be friends. I told her all of this. Tyler, she’s everything to me and everything to you.” His voice gets softer, “There are things you need to know and I’m not ready to talk about it yet.” “Well, what the fuck are you going to do? Leave town?” He shakes his head. “The longer you stay here, the more confused she’ll be. Why are you fucking doing this?” “She’s the best part of me and I don’t know how to let her go.” I slump down to the floor and neither of us says anything. Two brothers who used to be best friends are in love with the same girl and neither one wants to leave.

I’M STANDING IN the middle of my kitchen confused and hurt. I replay his words and I have no idea what’s going on. I call Mandy and beg her to come over. I need girl advice and I need it now. This isn’t making sense. Why would he up and leave like that? A few minutes later, Mandy comes inside and finds me sitting on the stairs. “What happened?” “So, Ryan was over and we were outside, just talking and laughing. As soon as Ryan leaves, Tyler shows up and said he’s been waiting for me, but didn’t want to bother me since I was with Ryan.” “Okay.” “We had small talk and it got weird, then he kissed me. I mean like, out of this world, I’ll die without you kiss. Then he said he couldn’t do this and left.” “He . . . left?” Mandy repeats with a puzzle expression. “Just left. No explanation or fighting?” “Yep, just left. I don’t know what to think. I mean, it felt so good kissing him and feeling him. I thought we’d take it further a little, not all the way.” “Okay,” Mandy says, sitting on the stool. “So, how were you and Ryan?” I shrug, “Normal. We were laughing and talking about my bucket list. I’m not exactly sure what Tyler would have seen that made him act this way.” “Tell me again how you and Tyler used to be.” I sigh, “I don’t know. It was dark for me. I barely smiled . . .” “So the guy you’ve known your whole life couldn’t make you smile, but the guy that leaves you when you need him the most comes back into your life and you open your arms to him. And now he has you laughing and smiling.” Then it clicks to me. “I am an idiot. But it’s innocent. Ryan’s . . .” “Someone you’re falling for. Babe, you can’t have two guys in your life. You have to let someone go.” “But they aren’t mine. There’s nothing I need to let go.” “There is, though. You are developing feelings for Ryan. I can see it on your face. And you did tell me you’re not missing Tyler like before, so I really think the kiss was more like goodbye. What do you think?” I slump against the wall and slide down. She’s throwing my words back at me and I should be upset, but I’m not. She has a point. The kiss was incredible and a bit on the sexier side. The love that used to be there wasn’t as strong. There’s regret stirring inside of me, with a mix of sadness and anger. I’m scared of facing the truth. How can I be falling out of love with Tyler and falling for Ryan? “I need to figure this out,” I tell Mandy, “or else someone’s getting hurt.” Mandy and I spend the rest of the day outside sunbathing. My phone’s in my room and I can’t bear to look at it. There’s so much I want to explain to Tyler, and I can’t find the words. It’s driving me crazy. “Okay, enough moping around. Get ready, because we’re going out!” Five shots and three drinks later, I’m beyond drunk. Mandy and I can’t stop laughing as we dance to the music in the club. I didn’t realize how much I needed this until now. I raise my arms in the air and

move like I haven’t moved in years. I used to love dancing and partying and now I’m not feeling the anchor tying me down. At the end of the night, we take a taxi home. Well, I take a taxi and Mandy goes home with Damon. I assure her I’m fine. When I step out of the taxi, Ryan is standing on my porch steps. “Ryan,” I hiccup, “what are you doing here?” “You weren’t answering my calls or text messages.” He walks to me, putting his arm around my waist to help me up. “You okay?” “Better than ever,” I hiccup again, “hold on please.” I rush out of his arm and throw up in my mom’s rose bush. Oh, she’s going to kill me. Everything I drank is coming up. I swear if I’m ever near tequila, vodka and Malibu again, I’ll die. Ryan rubs my back and holds my hair. This is embarrassing. I want to shoot myself in the foot. A few minutes pass and he helps me inside and we sit on the couch. My parents are out of town tonight, so it’s just us. He hands me a glass of water and I slowly drink it. The cold water feels good down my dry throat. “Thanks,” I mutter, drinking more water. I turn to face him, needing to know if my feelings are truly how I feel and honestly, I can’t tell. Damn being drunk. “Why are you here?” “Just making sure you’re okay. Come on, you need to sleep,” he laughs, helping me up from the couch. “Where’s Tyler?” He shrugs, “Out with the guys. We had a fight and he got defensive, then left.” I slump down on the kitchen floor and let out a moan, “I’m never drinking again.” Looking up at Ryan, he’s standing by the counter, with his hands together. “Will you stay with me tonight?” “Of course.” Ryan helps me to my room and waits outside while I change into pajamas. Climbing into bed, he sits down next to me, on top of the covers, and looks at me while I lay on my side, staring at the wall. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I trust him, so I know he won’t do anything to me. I wish I wasn’t so drunk so we could talk. “I like you,” I tell him. There’s hesitation and question in my voice. “I didn’t think I would and I do. I’m not sure what you’re feeling, since you aren’t telling me. We hang out a lot and you’re super sweet to me.” “Go to sleep, Bayleigh. We’ll talk in the morning.” “Okay.” Slowly, I close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep.

WATCHING HER SLEEP, seeing her breathing, is everything to me. I wish I could be with her and make her mine. There’s so much going on in my head and her admitting her feelings makes things real. Since coming back to town and seeing Bayleigh again, things are easier and I’m falling for her like I’ve never fallen before. Loving her has been the only thing that’s made sense in my life. It killed me to leave her behind, but it was something I needed to do. If I didn’t leave, then I would have caused her more pain. She’s beautiful and sincere, her heart is big and there’s a sparkle in her that grows each day. I see her getting stronger and I’m glad I’m the one who is helping her. But there’s a slight distance between us. When she looks at me, I know she sees me, and she sees Tyler. The time we’re spending together is time that I’ll cherish. Without her, I don’t know what would happen to me. I know she’s falling for me and I’ve already fallen for her. It’s not the same type of fall. There are two loves in this world. A person is able to love two people at the same time and hold them in their heart. It’s the strength of their love that’s different. There’s a forever kind and an always kind. The forever kind of love is when you can’t see tomorrow without that person. You think about them all the time and your heart swells when they’re around. You find this love and cherish it until the day you take your last breath. This is the type of love you grow old with and join again in heaven to go on the next journey. The always kind of love is when you have breathtaking moments together and cherish the bond. It’s more of a friendship and there isn’t an eternity. You care so deeply for this person and want them in your life. Yet, you can’t bring yourself to say forever or take the next step. She deserves the best kind of love and that’s her forever love. We have fun together and there’s never a dull moment when we’re together. However, in her eyes and mind, she’s thinking about someone else. I get up from her bed, walk around, and look at the collage of pictures on her wall. She looks happy with him. There’s a picture of them on the beach. She’s in his arms and the sun is hitting her just right. She’s an angel in that picture, so pure and beautiful. I’ve never met anyone like her. Being a twenty-three year old man, there’s been plenty of women in my life. But no one compares to Bayleigh. Turning around, I watch her. She turns on her other side, tucking her hand under the pillow, with her knee up and her other leg straight. There’s no pain or stress when she’s sleeping. Finding out about my tumor and the chances of it coming back fucks with my head. I’m too young to die. The mistakes I’ve made in my life are shitty, but I don’t deserve this. How can my life be taken away so soon? I think about this for a while, turning back and looking at the wall with pictures of my Bayleigh. The tragedy she experienced stopped her from living, and I helped her breathe again. I know what it’s like to want to end your life when you have nothing to live for. I left everyone behind in Rochester. I had one more thing to do on my bucket list and that was to come back home, find Bayleigh and make her understand. I’ve done all that plus some. She’s so strong now and I know it wasn’t all on me. Bayleigh’s the type of woman who’ll smile when she doesn’t want to. She’ll never tell you that she’s had enough. I knew taking her to the batting cages and admitting the truth would help her. She doesn’t need anyone coddling her or treating her like a child. She needs someone who’ll push her to the limits and

catch her if she’s gone too far. Slowly sitting on her bed, I move strands of her soft blonde hair from her face. Leaning down, I kiss her forehead. “Tyler,” she mutters, “I love you.” Stepping out of her room and outside to sit on the swing, my fingers grace the initials. I noticed it the first time I sat here. It makes it easier to let go knowing she’ll be okay with someone else. When that day comes, I’ll live in her heart and she’ll spend the rest of her days with him. I’ll watch over her and send her messages that I’m watching her and protecting her. The sharp pain on the side of my head grows. I groan and hold back the screaming. I don’t want to scare her. Breathing in through my nose and out through my lips, I think about Bayleigh and her smile. She’s made this whole process bearable. Despite the cold air, I’m sweating and my heart is racing. Sweat drips and tears rush from my eyes. Within a few minutes, the pain subsides and I’m able to sit back up. “Hold on, Ryan. Hold fucking on. It’s not time yet,” I moan, reaching into my pocket for the medicine. I need to hold on for a little longer. Heading back to her room, I slide under the cover and watch my beautiful angel sleep. She looks peaceful and calm. I love how she looks. I can watch her sleep forever. Kissing her forehead, I move down her face until I touch her lips. This moment will always be with me, in my heart and in my mind. “I love you.”

Ty: I love you I STARE AT THE MESSAGE and think about texting him back. I’m feeling like shit this morning and I really don’t want to get out of bed. I know I have a lot to deal with and honestly I don’t have the strength to do that. Remembering how Ryan stayed with me plays over and over in my head. Do I love him? Do I want to be with him? These questions are on repeat and I can’t shake off these feelings. When Tyler left, I told him I’d wait for him and I love him. So how do I deal with all these feelings? Neither of them are asking me to pick, but I know it’ll come. Lately my mind is on choices. We’re all here for a purpose and have the ability to choose what we want. Sometimes that’s not possible and obstacles are put in front of us to block our paths. How does someone know what path to go on? Every decision we make will lead us to a different outcome. We can’t take back our decisions. It’s ours to live with, so how will we know if we’re on the right path to the right decision? I sigh and turn on my side, tucking my hand under my pillow, looking at the picture on my nightstand. I’m in the middle, in between Ryan and Tyler. Feelings are developing for one brother, and feelings for the other brother are strong. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be the wedge between the two. So, do I let them both go and move on with my life? What if one of them is my soul mate? There’s the decision again. How will I know? Refusing to stay in bed and dwell on this, I head downstairs to find Ryan in the kitchen with my parents. “Why good morning,” he says to me, walking over and placing a kiss on my forehead. He’s acting like nothing’s wrong and it’s bothering me. I look at my parents and see my mom silently awwwing us and my dad is smiling. Is this real life? I pinch myself and let out a yelp. “Did you pinch yourself?” “Hush,” I tell him, grabbing my coffee mug and a K Cup. Coffee. I am going to need coffee this morning. “So, you’re early.” “That I am.” He brushes by me and leans on the counter, looking at me, figuring me out. “I told Tyler.” Needing air, I walk outside with my coffee mug and sit on the tire swing in my backyard. This has been up for so long and I sit out here to think. When I’m outside, everything seems clearer. I think about life and how people can survive the unthinkable. My mind reels on what happened. I feel hands on my back. Ryan’s pushing me. “I told Tyler I love you and want you. I told him I know you both need to be together, but I can’t get you out of my head. I want to be selfish and make you mine. Only, I can’t be. So what do you want me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.” He comes around and kneels down. “Talk to me.”

“You told Tyler? I don’t get it. Why would you do that?” I try to hide my bitterness and maintain my composure. If Tyler knows and he texted me, then maybe he understands? But I know Tyler and I know Ryan and this is going to be a mess. He hangs his head, with his hands resting on my knees. “That’s why we fought last night. We’re both in love with you and neither one of us are willing to leave and let go.” “What the hell am I supposed to do?” “Go back to him. I’m no good for you and he’s perfect for you.” Getting up from the swing, I throw my mug across the yard and fall to my knees. “Stop telling me this! Stop telling me Tyler’s perfect for me. I’m so confused. My life shouldn’t be like this,” I cry. “Haven’t I been through enough? Now let’s go ahead and add that I love two guys and can only be with one.” I cover my face and regret the words. Feeling Ryan close to me, I open my eyes and see him. His eyes are closed and his hands are resting on his thighs. We’re facing each other and I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know what I’m thinking. “BAY,” I CALL OUT, watching my brother and love of my life. She looks at me and stands up slowly. Ryan looks at me too and stands up, staring at Bayleigh and then me. “Looks like I came back at a good time. So you love us both, Bay.” “You weren’t supposed to be back for another few days. Then you show up at my house and kiss me, then leave! You’re confusing me. I told you I need time and I was doing so well. I was learning how to miss you and love you, then you,” she points at Ryan, “you came back and now my head is full of shit. I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready for this conversation.” I see her body tense and her voice trembles, “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to hear that.” “Well,” I shrug, “I did. You said what you said and did what you did. You spent time with him and now you’re confused. I’ll add that I haven’t been perfect either.” “What do you mean?” Walking over to them, I stop midway and shake my head. “There’s been a girl back in Cali who wants my fucking dick. She keeps pressuring me and wants me. Do you know what it’s like to be fucking wanted?” I scream, “It feels fucking good. I felt like a damn man because someone wanted me and she wanted to be with me. Unlike you,” I seethe, “you act like you’re so innocent. Well newsflash Bay, you aren’t.” “Tyler,” she cries, “stop. Please understand . . .” “No!” I scream, “I waited for you. I gave you space and I was faithful. I’ve been gone for three fucking weeks and now I come home and you’re in love with my damn brother. What the fuck did I do wrong?” At this point I’m in her face. I’ve never yelled at her or been really angry, until now. “Fall back, brother.” “Get the fuck away from me,” I seethe. “Why the fuck are you back? You were gone and left her alone. I’m the one who took care of her and waited.” “You know the truth, brother.” Anger takes over and I feel my fist connect with his face. “It doesn’t matter who she met first! We were five fucking years old,” I scream. “What are you talking about?” Bayleigh asks, looking at me then at Ryan. Ryan shakes his head and backs away. “Remember how you always said you fell in love with Tyler when you first met, then you met me?” She nods and I’m about to punch him again. “You met me first, so that means you loved me first and then you fell for my brother. Do you know how hard it was to watch you

fall in love with him when you loved me?” “What do you mean?” “I never told you my name when we first met. You assumed it was Tyler because he saw you through the window and wanted you. There was something about you that drew us both in. So when you met him, you assumed and we never corrected you because that’s what you do when you’re in love. It’s a sacrifice. You were supposed to be mine and now I’ll never have you because I’m fucking dying.” Both of us look at Ryan and he moves away, wiping his mouth. The tears in his eyes fall and he stands taller. “That’s right. I’m dying. I only have a few more weeks. There’s a tumor in my brain and there’s nothing that can be done. I ignored all the headaches and shit I’ve been feeling. That night you got me from the hospital was the night they told me it was terminal.” I watch him laughing and soon the laughter turns to tears. “Do you know what it’s like to live like this? I knew about the tumor and a specialist in Chicago helped me. It was a few months after the rape,” he explains, “I went through surgery and everything necessary. I fucking followed their instructions!” He screams, falling to the ground and punching the grass. “Everything,” he cries. “They said I would be okay and there may be a chance the tumor would come back. So I lived my life and then came back because I had to see you. The headaches came back and I felt sick. So I made an appointment.” Bayleigh takes my hand and I don’t pull away. We don’t move from where we’re standing and we listen to everything he’s telling us. “I want my last days to be with you, Bayleigh, and to make things right by you, Tyler.” He looks at both of us and cries, “Now I’ll never know what it’s like to be with you. All I fucking want is to make things right.” Ryan gets up from the ground and walks away. I’m speechless. When I turn to look at Bayleigh, there are tears streaming down her face. I don’t make an attempt to dry her tears because my very own are falling. I help Bayleigh to her room and stay with her until she falls asleep. Kissing her forehead, I head home and try to deal with the news of my brother. Walking into the living room, our mom is sitting by the fireplace and she’s looking at pictures. Our photo albums are all around her feet, and there’s a bottle of wine next to her with an empty glass. “Mom?” She turns to look at me. “What’s going to happen?” “I wish I had the answers, Tyler. I wish I knew what to do,” she cries. “He’s only twenty-three,” she sobs, “how can this happen?” Running over, I take my mom in my arms and hold her. We sit and cry, asking ourselves how life can be so fucking cruel. Helping her get to her room, I open Ryan’s bedroom door and go inside. “There’s nothing they can do?” He turns my way and shakes his head. “Nothing. I’m dying and it’s something I have to accept.” “So you’re giving up?” This causes him to stand up and get in my face. “I tried everything. I had the best fucking team and there’s nothing that can be done. Terminal, Tyler. Fucking terminal means no fucking cure. Nothing. There’s this fucking thing in my brain, pushing down and causing me to be sick. Do you think I want this? Huh?” He screams and turns away from me, punching the wall and collapsing on the floor. “I wanted to live, man. I wanted to come back and be the good guy for once.”

IT’S BEEN THREE DAYS since I talked to Ryan and Tyler. I’m keeping busy and putting my energy into work. I bring home my laptop over the weekend and review Damon’s reports and come in early on Monday. I look at the calendar, and notice the original date of Tyler’s return. The big circle I drew with his name and a heart taunts me. Even though I want to see both guys, I know I can’t. It’s hard for me to put in perspective how I feel. I want to see a psychic so they can tell me which path to take. I need a sign or something to tell me what I need to do. With Ryan, I’m alive and I can breathe. He doesn’t treat me like an assignment and pushes me to face my fears. While Tyler looks at me like a broken project that he has to fix or else I’ll always be incomplete. But the difference between Tyler and Ryan is one brother was there for me during my darkest time and the other ran away because the guilt ate him alive. The answer seems clear, yet it’s not. My heart beats for both of them. Resting my head on my desk, I groan and close my eyes, taking me away from where I am to a different place. No words can explain what’s going on inside of me. Maybe if I run away and not be with either brother, I’ll be okay. Then who’ll be happy? Who wins? “Come on Bay, get your shit together,” I mutter and lift my head up to work on the reports again. I work to keep busy so my mind doesn’t go to the place I refuse to go. An hour later, my office door opens and in walks Damon. “Real talk,” he says, sitting down in front of me. I don’t want to look at him so I keep working. “Bayleigh eyes here now,” his deep voice scares me so I listen. “Okay good you’re with me. What’s going on with you?” “Whatever do you mean, Damon?” “Don’t play cute with me. You’re working a shit load of hours. And don’t lie to me. I know everything. You’re here early as hell and stay until late. You worked over the weekend and I have no idea why.” “Because I want to work.” “No.” “Yes,” I glare at him. How dare he try to figure me out? “Damon with all due respect, who do you think you are?” “Ahh, my little spitfire is back. Lay it on me, babe, what’s going on?” “Ugh,” I groan, “I’m in love with two guys and both are perfect in their own way.” “Go on.” I tell him about the Scott boys and he listens to every word, hanging on, nodding when appropriate and handing me a tissue when I need it. Talking about the rape is hard, but I do it and make it through. Bringing up how I treated Tyler turns into me ugly crying and blowing my noise every minute. Then I bring up Ryan and how he’s been with me. By the time I’m done, my makeup is ruined and my eyes are swollen and red. “Johnny Depp said if you love two people at the same time, choose the second, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.”

“I’ve heard that quote and I disagree. We can love more than once because there are two types of love. There’s the forever kind and the always kind.” He kinks a brow, “You lost me. Forever and always is the same.” “No,” I shake my head, “a forever love is when you spend your life with that one person through thick and thin, and when you’re old and gray you look at your forever love and say we’ve lived a good life. Your always love is a love you keep in your heart. You keep them close because they’ve changed your life in one way or another. That’s the difference.” “Still confused.” “Ultimately forever is stronger than always. Forever is a bond you can’t break. Life will throw every obstacle your way and you make it through, even when the odds are against you. When you think about forever, you think about happily ever after and how you’ll experience the good and bad.” “So you won’t experience that with an always love?” “You do,” I explain, “but in a different way. The always type love is strong but it doesn’t take away from forever. Always means continuous, and is measured in time. Forever means eternally and there’s no ending.” Damon looks at me with curious eyes. He leans back and rests his ankle on his knee. We stare at one another and it hits me. “By the look on your face, I think you answered your own question. You love both guys, and that’s normal, but you can’t shake the life you’ve made with Tyler. Even though you love Ryan, there’s something special with Tyler or else you would have broken it off completely and you wouldn’t be in this position.” “But I think about Ryan all the time and I am in love with him. It’s all I can think about. He’s where I go when I don’t know how to handle everything. But Damon, he’s dying, so is my love out of guilt?” “That’s tough. I think you know who you love and want to be with, only you don’t want to hurt anyone. You have to admit to yourself what you want and who you want. With Ryan dying, that complicates things. I think you should spend as much time as possible with him and explain why you need to do this to Tyler.” “Thanks Damon,” I quietly tell him. “I’m sorry I made you worry.” “I get it,” he says, “truly I do.” I want to bring up Mandy and I feel like he’s giving me an opening to. “So, what’s up with you and my best friend?” “Complicated,” he tells me, “she’s this amazing woman. Someone like I’ve never met before. My ex fiancé hurt me pretty bad. Relationships are scary.” “I agree. Have you talked to her?” He shrugs and shakes his head. “I want to. I want to be honest with her. I know she’s falling for me and it scares the living shit out of me. She deserves more than I can give her, but I’m too selfish to let her go.” “Talk to her. She’ll understand. Mandy’s stronger than you think and she really likes you. I think she loves you.” “She does?” I nod and see the relief and hope in his eyes. SITTING ON THE SWING on my porch, I watch the house next door. No one’s been over to say anything to me and I can’t bring myself to go over and see what they’re doing. I check my phone and see there have been no calls or messages. I’m not sure how either of them are doing or if they’re talking. After the

bombshell, I walked away and locked myself in the room. I finally have both of them back and now I’m going to lose Ryan and maybe Tyler. The look in his eyes when he was screaming at me, I don’t know, I don’t think I can erase that image. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster, going up and down and upside down. There’s an end in sight and the ride will soon stop, only I’m not sure who is going to be next to me in the end. How do I explain any of this to Tyler? I told him I need space and when he comes back, I’ll see where I’m at. It’s always been about me and never him. I understand his feelings and I wish he’d come and talk to me. “Bayleigh Renee.” I look up and see Ryan coming up the steps. Our eyes don’t leave the other and we’re in a trance, one I’m not fighting and neither is he. Holding out his hand, I take it and stand before him. I look down at his hands and notice they’re resting on my hips. The burning desire to kiss him sets in and my mind is racing along with my heart. I love Tyler and Ryan is a friend, I repeat over and over. The way his hands feel on me is something I can’t describe. “I want to kiss you,” he admits to me. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Ryan don’t.” I don’t realize what leaves my lips until he leans down and kisses me. Our kiss is simple and different. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pull him closer. Opening my mouth to let his tongue slide in, he takes his time and deepens the kiss. Pulling away I stare at him, “Oh no.” This isn’t happening. I didn’t enjoy kissing Ryan. “I have to go.” I BALL MY FISTS WHEN I see them kiss. It’s only been a few hours and my fucking brother is making his move. Moving away from the window, I take the stairs and wait in her room. Everything I want to say to her is in pieces. I’m not sure what to do. When the door opens, she walks in with wide eyes and an expression I’m not used to seeing. She’s thinking and the kiss is affecting her more than it should. “Bay.” “Ty. What are you doing here?” I relax when I hear her voice and try to clear my head. I shake my head and stare at the floor. I have to keep my anger and emotions in check. “Wanted to talk.” She sits down next to me and places her head on my shoulder. “Everything is going wrong,” she whispers, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve made a mess of the situation and I’m trying to find a solution. Please can we not fight?” she begs me, her voice shaking, and all I can do is pick her up in my arms and hold her. “I agree, we should talk. Only, I have no idea where to go from here.” “I don’t either,” she agrees, still holding my hand. “I want answers and I don’t know what to do. I love you so much and I love Ryan. The thing is, I don’t know at what degree my love for Ryan is.” “I know,” I softly answer. Everything I want to say is on the tip of my tongue and I can’t say it. I want to tell her I hate her and never to talk to me again. I want to scream and yell, but that’ll leave me nowhere. “Why are you even back? Don’t I cause you pain and grief? You can do so much better than me.” I hug her and feel her soft cheek against mine. “Because when you love someone, you accept all their flaws. You don’t fall in love with perfection, you fall in love with imperfection and create a perfect kind of love.” I rub my fingers along her shoulders and down her body, trying to hold back the sadness. “I love you, Bay. That’s never going to change.” Bayleigh looks into my eyes and renders me breathless. She touches each side of my face with her hands and brings her lips to mine. I freeze for a moment, forgetting what I saw outside, and take her with

everything I have. “I miss you,” I tell her, holding her against my body. She fits perfectly and this is where she needs to be. I feel her lips on my neck. Closing my eyes, I enjoy this moment with her. “I want you. I need you,” she whispers in my ear. Her words are doing things to my body and I hope she means it. “Are you sure?” “Yes.” She deepens the kiss and moves closer to me, pushing me back on her bed. Each movement is telling me she’s thinking of me, wanting me, loving me. I’m the one she loves and wants to be with. When her lips touch my neck I let out a groan and move my hands down her body. She meets my lips again and opens her mouth, letting my tongue in to explore her sexy mouth. “I love you so much.” Her words sink in and I so badly want this night to be forever in my head. Straddling me, she pulls off her shirt and bra, leaving her exposed body for my eyes only. I grip her shoulders and close my eyes. “Bayleigh, we don’t have to do this.” “I want this, Tyler. I want you.” No matter how strong I’m trying to be, the look in her eyes is all I need to know that this is what she wants. I grab the back of her head and my lips meet hers again. Flipping her over on her back, I take off my shirt and feel her soft fingers pull down my jeans. When they slide under the elastic band of my boxers and I feel her on my bare skin, a low grunt escapes my lips. I bring my lips to her chest and kiss her all the way down until my mouth touches her inner thigh. Pulling down her panties, she does the same with my boxers. There’s nothing in between us. Positioning myself over her, I look at her again, “Bay, it doesn’t have to happen. I can wait. You know I can wait.” “I’ve been on the pill and I’ve never missed a day.” As soon as I heard that, the desire for her hits an all-time high. Sliding into her warmth, I watch her big, round eyes fill with desire and fire. It’s surreal. This is what I’ve been waiting for since I left her here. Tonight is here. Everything I’ve done to get here is now happening. “I love you, Bay.” She smiles and opens her legs wider. She meets every thrust and screams my name. With each noise she makes, it’s getting harder to not finish. Fuck. I need to last longer than this. I press deeper inside her. I grab one leg and prop it on my shoulder, pushing deeper and deeper. Her breathing is going faster and I feel her about to let go. We keep our eyes on one another and a smile creeps on her face. Putting down her leg, I lean down and kiss her beautiful lips, slowing down, enjoying this moment. “Faster,” she whispers and my dick takes over. Sliding in harder and faster, I groan and hear her moan, when we both find our release. “Don’t leave me again,” she tells me, holding onto me with all her strength. “Please.” “I’m not going anywhere. This is where I belong. You are my home. Our lives were thrown offbeat, but now I know things are going to be okay.” “I love you.” “I love you too.” Kissing her forehead, I hold her tighter in my arms. Suddenly, my life makes sense and I’m looking forward to waking up next her and until forever ends. I had my doubts, but now this is all I need, to know we found our place and nothing else matters. Breathing in a relaxing breath, I close my eyes and finally fall sleep next to my Bay.

“GOOD MORNING, BEAUTIFUL.” I wake up and see I’m alone in her bed. At first, I don’t panic. Maybe she’s downstairs getting us breakfast. Putting on my clothes, I walk down the hall and down the stairs. I notice how quiet everything is and wonder what the hell is going on. Looking for her in the living room and kitchen, I start to panic. She’s nowhere. I hear the front door open and rush over to see who’s there. “Mandy? What are you doing here?” Her eyes look red like she’s been crying and she shakes her head. “We need to go to the hospital. Ryan’s there now.” Rushing out of the house and following her to her car, she drives to Strong and explains what happened. Apparently, Bayleigh woke up and found him sitting on the swing and he was unresponsive. She didn’t know what to do and called the ambulance. I fucking slept through the whole thing. “Don’t be mad,” Mandy tells me. “I’m not. Just get me there now.” When she pulls in the hospital parking lot, I get out before she parks and hurry inside. Telling the receptionist my name and who I need to see, she gives me the information and soon I’m outside the door, listening to them talk. “How are you feeling?” “Like shit,” he tells her. I can hear the weakness in his voice. “I don’t want to die here,” he cries and I hang my head. I don’t know how much more I can hear. Even though I hate him for trying to steal my girl and not protecting her, he’s still my brother and I love him. “It’ll be okay. I’ll be here with you.” “No. I need to leave, but I need you with me. Take me back to the lake house,” he asks her. My insides tear apart. She’s going to say yes. Their bond is strong and she won’t let him die alone. “Please stay with me and don’t leave.” “Okay. I’ll stay with you. I’ll get the doctors.” I move away and watch her walk away. Going inside the room, my eyes find Ryan’s. Neither of us talk and I’m not sure where to begin. “I’m sorry this is happening to you,” I tell him and I mean it. We’ve been spending time together and we’re keeping him busy. Maybe he’s doing too much and needs to relax a little. “Thanks,” he coughs, and wipes his lips. “Terminal brain tumor,” he laughs, shaking his head. “I never thought about the signs or symptoms, you know? Thought it was in my head, just not literally. Now I have to sit back and wait.” “You’re doing too much. Slow down a little,” I suggest. “I heard you and Bay talking. This isn’t fair. You can’t ask her to do this. You know she’ll drop everything for you. Is that what you want?” “To spend my last days with her? Yes. Once I’m gone, that’s it. I won’t know what it’s like to be with her. I love her and I’m going to love her beyond my final breath. She’s been in my heart since I was five years old. It’s always been her. I want to marry her.” “Marry her?” I laugh, “You’ve lost your mind, Ryan. You can’t marry her. Not legally.” “Doesn’t have to be. All I need is her with me and need her to be mine for my final days.” “But I love her too. I have her back and now you expect me to let her be with you?”

“Once I’m gone, she’ll be yours. All yours.” “She’s not a fucking toy, Ryan!” I scream and have to step back. “She’s a person with a beautiful mind and heart and you’re using that against her.” “I love her and that’s all you need to understand.” Having heard enough of this bullshit, I walk out and I don’t wait for Bayleigh. I tell Mandy to take me back to her house and I text Bayleigh to meet me when she’s done. The car ride is quiet as I gather my thoughts. What’s the right thing to do? Let her go again and know she’ll come back. Knowing she’s going to be with my brother? Can I handle that? “It’ll be okay,” Mandy says, rubbing my knee. “You have to believe.” “Sometimes believing and love isn’t enough. Thanks for the ride.” I get out of the car and walk to the swing, waiting for her to come back. My phone is quiet and I’m not sure where she is or what she’s doing. I see Mandy’s car again and Bayleigh walks out. Her head is hanging low and her body is tense and tired. She joins me on the swing and I watch her eyes look over at the rose bushes her parents are growing. I think about holding her hand, but I hold back, especially when I see the ring on her finger. Even though it’s not legal and doesn’t mean anything, it means something me. I know I’m being an asshole for having a cold heart. When it comes to her, she’s all that matters. “Do you know that each rose has a meaning?” “Yeah. I think every girl who is romantic and believes fairy tales knows that.” I smile, “Do you remember on every Valentine’s Day, before we started dating, I’d give you thirteen red-tipped yellow roses? You’d look at me like I was crazy. Did you know what those roses meant?” I watch her think. She’s trying to come up with something. “No. I just thought you were being sweet.” “Well, I was. But those roses meant friendship and falling for you. I got you thirteen flowers every year because it represents a secret admirer.” Her eyes swell with tears and quickly I wrap her in my arms, pulling her onto my lap, stroking her back and rocking back and forth. This isn’t what I want. I hate when she cries and there’s not much I can do. “I know you’re confused,” I tell her, “and I know you love me and Ryan.” Admitting it aloud kills me. Even though Ryan’s dying, I hate how much time she spends with him. “Forever, Bay. That’s how long I’m going to love you. But what I can’t understand is your need to take care of him.” “It’s something I have to do. He has no one and I’m his only friend. Why can’t you see that and understand?” “Because I don’t!” I scream, “I know I’m being an asshole, but thinking about the two of you in the lake house together is fucking with my head. Make me understand so I can be okay with this. Make me understand why you’re wearing a ring he bought you. Just a few weeks ago, you said you weren’t ready for anything and then Ryan comes into the picture and you’re this different person.” “You have to trust me,” she says with her round eyes looking at me, “trust me.” “You love both of us. It’s hard to trust either of you. Do you know I’ve loved you my whole life? I thought you were going to be my last love.” She cries and holds my hand, “I still am. Forever, Tyler.” I shake my head, “No. There’s too much that’s happened and I don’t think I can forget what you and Ryan shared. Even though it wasn’t physical, it was emotional. I saw the two of you kiss. Tell me you didn’t want that kiss.” She doesn’t answer. Instead, she looks away from me and bows her head down. My heart shatters in my chest. I’ve lost her. No matter what I say or do, she’s going to choose Ryan. “Do you know how much last night meant to me? To finally mean something to you.” She doesn’t

respond. I hear her sniffling and nodding her head. “I love you, Tyler. I don’t know what else to say.” “No, I think you do. The love you have for me is an obligation.” “That’s not fair, Tyler! I was confused and scared. You can’t use my words against me.” She screams and gets in my face. “Stop being an asshole and open your fucking eyes. I am doing this so your brother doesn’t have to go through this alone. Can’t you see I love you and yes I love him, but that’s on a different level? I am giving him what he wants so he can die in peace and if you can’t accept that, then you’re not the man I thought you were.” “I guess I’m not. I guess I can’t watch the fucking woman I love marry or wait, pretend to marry, someone else so he can be happy. I guess you can’t stay with him as a friend or ask me or Mandy to come with you! I fought every day for you for over a year and then you go and do this!” “What do you want me to do? Not give him his last wish?” I sigh and rub my face, “I don’t fucking know.” Fuck! “Just wait, please Tyler.” “No. Do you think I’m stupid?” I seethe, “I won’t be your fallback guy.” “You aren’t Tyler,” she sobs in my arms. I feel her holding onto me, repeating how much she loves me and I can’t bring myself to hold her back. “It’s always been you.” “It makes sense. Since he’s dying, of course you’ll try to come crawling back but you can’t.” She unwraps herself from me and backs away. Her eyes don’t leave mine and I can’t stop staring at her. Everything I love about her is gone. All I can see is that fucking ring and him. “I have to go,” she mumbles. “Your mom needs my help. I have to go.” I nod and watch her walk away. The voices in my head tell me to stop being a sucker and move on. Rushing to my car and getting in, I drive back to the hospital and walk into his room. The sounds of machines beep and his nurse is changing bags around. “Almost done,” she tells me with a smile. I stand in the corner and my eyes don’t leave his. When she leaves, I stay where I’m standing and play out the words I want to say. “Can we talk?” He nods his head. “I need to say something first.” “Okay,” I answer, “go.” “She’s amazing, you know.” I nod. “I know she loves you.” I nod again. I’m not sure where the hell this conversation is going. “Regardless of what you think, we never had sex. Yes, I’ve kissed her and she’s kissed me back.” “Is there a point to this, Ryan? Because right now, all I want to do is smash my fist into your face.” I feel like an asshole for telling him this. No, I don’t want to hit him and I don’t want to see him die. But right now, I can’t think clearly. “Fair enough. But she loves you.” “You too, man.” “She loves you more. Do you know she talks in her sleep?” This gets my attention. “She whispers your name and says she loves you. So yeah, I know she loves us both, but she loves you more. We’ve gotten close and she’s my best friend. I know it’s hard seeing us together and seeing her in the lake house with me. But think about it. When I’m gone, you’ll still be here. You’re her forever.” “Yeah well, right now she wants you so I’m going to head out again. I have some things to tie up.” “California?” I nod my head. “Listen man I’m sorry, but I want my brother here.” I look away. “You’re really going to leave? Fucking leave Mom alone?” “She has Bayleigh and she’ll be busy with you. No one needs me.” “Shut the fuck up!” he yells. “You’re a fucking Scott. Man up, Tyler.” “I’ll be back. Don’t say anything,” I mutter, “I have some things to do and I’ll be home. Permanently.”

Rubbing my face, I pull out the chair and sit down. “I can’t help how I feel,” I explain. “She’s the best girl and I understand your need and love for her. I’ll love her forever. Right now, even though you’re hurting, she needs you. You did something to make her feel again.” “She’ll need you when I’m gone.” “And all she has to do is ask me and I’ll be here in a second. But I can’t do this anymore. I need to leave and get my head straight. Take care of her. And don’t tell her I’ll be back. She doesn’t need that on her plate.” “I won’t,” he answers, “thanks for everything.” I sit with Ryan a little longer. Neither of us talk. The sounds in the room fill the silence. What else am I supposed to say? Usually I’m good with my words and can carry a conversation. I swallow the lump in my throat. It’s selfish for me to leave. But all this information is getting to me. I don’t want to think about Ryan dying or my mom in pain. Even Bayleigh in pain. It’s too much to handle. My phone vibrates with a text message from Mom. “Mom said she’s on her way back with Bayleigh, so I’m going to head out.” “I’ll watch her.” “I know you will.” I let him go and walk away from everything I’ve known and everything I want.

Ty: I’m back in Cali. Not sure when I’ll be back . . . You don’t have to update me on Ryan. My mom will I BLANKLY STARE AT the text message. I miss him and hope one day he’ll understand why I’m doing this. No one should be alone when they’re going through the bullshit of death. Mandy tells me I have to give Tyler space or else it’ll push him away. Hopefully doing that will bring him back. There’s not much more I can say. If he won’t stay for his brother, then he won’t stay for me. It’s all about patience and believing in faith. Everything happens for a reason. We meet people, and sometimes they stay, other times they leave. But everyone we meet has a purpose in our lives. Tyler taught me love and gave me experiences I never want to let go of. Ryan’s teaching me how to live again and to always believe there’s a purpose. What life can be like when you believe and have hope. He’s showing me what it’s like to let go of your demons and take control again. I’m still alive and I’m here for a reason I need to remember to have patience and not quickly assume I’m meant to be in my room, locked away from the world. Even though I have control of my life, I don’t have control of other people or the whys of the way life works. The things I can control are my emotions and reactions. With having patience and understanding, I don’t react too quickly without thinking. Assumptions are the devil. I can’t sit here and assume Tyler’s with Serena or has feelings for her. Two people, a man and woman, can be friends and strictly be friends. He’s showing me life is about taking risks and doing what you love. And when I do something over and over again, I’ll become better and that motivation will guide me. Right now things are good between us. He’s been home for a few days and things are okay for the most part. He’s getting weaker and the doctors can’t give him anything to help. The medicine he was on made him sleep most of the day. To Ryan, that’s his biggest nightmare. He’s not afraid of dying. He’s afraid he won’t experience things before he dies. That’s what I admire about him. Even though he’s dying and doesn’t know how long he truly has, it doesn’t stop him from working hard to see and feel what he wants. My walls are breaking down and I’m fully letting him in. We talk all the time and we’re together most of the day. Luckily for me, I’m working more from home and Skyping with Damon. If I’m needed in the office, I go in, but not all day like before. Balancing the tray of food, I climb the stairs and use my foot to open his bedroom door. Placing the tray on the nightstand I sit on the edge of the bed, next to Ryan, and watch him sleep. I love the way he sleeps and how at peace he is with everything going on. Moira and I spend most of our days with him. When I’m needed in the office or go home to see my parents, she’s with him. Even though I know she can handle taking care of him, we’re a team and we work together to keep him comfortable. “Stop looking at me,” he smiles and opens his eyes. Looking at the tray of food, he shakes his head. “Just juice please.” “You need to eat, Ry.” Handing him the glass of orange juice, I watch him struggle to take a few sips. “Not today,” he tells me and I sigh. “I’ll try to eat some fruit and toast. My stomach can’t handle a lot.”

“Okay, that’s better than nothing.” He finishes eating what he can and doesn’t look at me. I see the pain in his eyes. He’s hiding how he feels. Telling me he’s not hungry and watching him struggle isn’t easy. None of this is easy. He faces me and takes my hand. “You look beautiful.” “You aren’t so bad yourself.” While we’re in his bedroom, we’re away from the reality of his cancer and death. I try to keep upbeat and for a moment it’s nice to talk to him and not think about the tumor. “I think I want to spend my last days at the lake house. What do you think?” Moira and I talked about what’s best for Ryan. We know he’s stubborn and won’t listen to anyone. “If it’s what you want,” I tell him, “I’ll talk to your mom and we’ll make it happen.” Lightly kissing his forehead, I feel his hand grab my arm. “As long as I’m with you, then that’s where I want to be.” SETTLING OUR THINGS in the spare room, I check on Ryan and see him sleeping. Resting on the couch, not to disturb him, I take out my phone and think about texting Tyler. I want so badly to hear his voice and see how he’s doing. Moira tells me he’s okay and she’s updating him with Ryan’s condition. But still I want to talk to him. I want him to know I miss him and I’m thinking about him. Needing to fill my head with something, I play music and relax for a moment. The days are getting longer and the nights are filled with worry. I wake up every hour to check on him and make sure he’s breathing. I can’t leave him at night and my body is suffering. All I want to do is close my eyes for a minute and get rest. Screams fill my ears and I’m jolting up and running to Ryan. He’s on the floor, his hands on his head, screaming for help. “Ryan!” I rush to him, pulling him in my arms, rocking him. “Shhhh, it’s okay.” “Did you leave?” he cries, “I’ve been calling for you.” The pain in my chest tightens. Fuck. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I fell asleep and I must have been knocked out.” I rub his back and look around for his medicine. Even though it’s not what Ryan wants, he still needs to take it when it gets this bad. “It’s hard to see,” he softly says. My heart breaks and the realization that he’s not going to get better sinks in. “There’s nothing to see,” I reassure him. “I need to see you. I always want to see you.” “I’m right here. Always.” We sit on the ground for a while until I have the strength to lift him up back into bed. “Do me a favor,” he asks, looking at me with sleepy eyes. The medicine is working and he seems good. “What’s that?” “Can we have one dance together and pretend for a little bit that I’m strong and I’m okay?” “Of course.” Pulling out my phone I play a song and soon I’m in his arms. He’s not as strong as before. But he holds me against his body. We don’t move a lot. He’s humming in my ear and I love this feeling. “In my head,” he tells me through labored breaths, “we’re dancing under the moonlight and you’re wearing a beautiful dress.” I lift my head and softly kiss his lips. “I would do anything to be there with

you.” Losing myself in his arms and the music, I don’t talk. I let the playlist of my love songs play and song after song our bodies move together. Lifting my head to look at him again, I see the love he has for me in his eyes. There’s a mix of sadness and pain. I know this is taking a lot of his strength and I should make him sleep. Saying no to someone who’s dying isn’t easy. I want him to have these memories and be okay. There have been so many times I have prayed to have a miracle and wake up to a healthy Ryan. Unfortunately this tumor is winning and it’s about to take my best friend away. When the last song ends, I help Ryan back into bed and pull the covers over him. I get on the other side and rest my cheek on his chest, listening to his breathing and his heart beating. These are the best sounds in the world. “You mean the world to me,” he says, kissing the top of my head. “My world.” Squeezing his hand, I tell him to sleep and close his eyes, because when we dream there’s no pain and we’re happy. “I love you,” he whispers and I have to silence my tears.

THE LAST FEW WEEKS I’ve been thinking about my life and how it’s going to be without Ryan. The lake house was getting too cold for Ryan so we’re back at his house. I’m now staying with him full time. My parents are being wonderful and keeping Moira busy. Tyler isn’t back yet and I’m not sure if he wants to be here. We don’t talk about him. Moira doesn’t update me anymore and that’s okay. I understand his anger and frustration for me, but not his brother. They’re supposed to be there for one another. Having a brother means having a best friend. I wish Tyler would understand how badly we need him. I need someone by my side. It’s hard seeing him getting worse. Slowly I’m watching him die and every night we lie in bed and he holds me, telling me about the ways he loves me. I’m not ready to lose him. The state I’m in would qualify as hot mess. I’m living in yoga pants and hoodies. My body hurts from the lack of not working out and I’m getting moodier with each day. I don’t want to be sad because he doesn’t need to see me cry. It’s the only thing I can do. He can barely get out of bed and when he does, it’s only for a few minutes. He’s so young and won’t get to live his life the way he wants. How can his life end so young? There are people out there who are murderers and get to live, while someone as good and pure as Ryan is dying because of a tumor no one can remove. How is life fair? I’m struggling to understand why someone so young, with so much life, is facing the end. I’m trying to be upbeat and positive. I don’t want his last days with us to be spent crying. We spend most of the time in his bedroom or in the kitchen. He loves watching me bake and reminds me to use sugar and not salt. These are the memories worth making and the memories I’ll always keep. Mandy and Damon come to visit often and we have dinner with them a lot. I’m happy because my best friend is engaged and pregnant. Seeing them together, as happy as I am for them, makes me sad. I think about Tyler and wonder how he’s doing. I’ve kept my distance and Ryan’s tried to reach out to his brother a few times. I know he’ll come back and stay with us soon. He has to. “What are you thinking about, sweetheart?” Looking up I smile, “Nothing. Just happy to be spending time with you. Are you okay?” “I hate this,” he sadly says. “Can we sit outside and watch the sunset?” I nod and help him downstairs to the deck. While he’s adjusting himself on the chair, I send a text to Tyler and ask him to please come home and spend a day with Ryan before he passes away. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the wedding you want. I hope that marrying me was okay.” Bending down, I kiss his lips and smile, “Yes. I love you Ryan and even though we aren’t legally married, it doesn’t matter. I love you and you love me.” He rests his forehead against mine, “All that matters is now. Promise me when I die, you’ll live. You won’t sit and mourn over me. You’ll live the life you’re supposed to and have the love you deserve.” “I promise,” I wipe away my tears, “I promise.” “I’m so lucky,” he says with a smile on his face. “Why’s that?”

“Because I met the love of my life. I thought I’d have to go through this alone, but when I saw you again, I knew I had to have you. I know I won’t make it and I wish I could see those beautiful brown eyes for the rest of my life. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I hope you know that. I was supposed to die months ago, but you saved me. You kept me alive. I know what love is because of you, Chip. All because of you.” He leans over and kisses me again. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I deepen the kiss and feel his warmth. “Thank you for breathing life back into me.” We sit on the deck, holding hands, and watch the sunset. I look over and see his peaceful face. This is what I want for him. I don’t want him in pain or having regrets. Ryan doesn’t need any of that. He needs to relax and be comfortable. I make sure we laugh every day and each day is spent loving each other. Love doesn’t have to be physical or about the extravagant things. If you can sit there, holding hands, embracing the beauty of life, then you found love. Helping him back upstairs so he can get ready for bed, I sit on the bed and look at my phone again. It’s been so long since we’ve talked to Tyler. I pray to God he’s getting our messages and he’ll be here soon. I don’t want him living a life of regret. Just as I’m about to check on Ryan, I see the door open and Tyler’s standing there with his eyes on me. “Hi,” he calmly says, “how is he?” I get up from the bed and run into his arms. “You’re here,” I quietly say, hugging him tight. Only I’m the only one holding on. Letting him go and giving us space, I look at him. “He’s not doing well. We just got back inside and he’s in the shower now, getting ready for bed.” “I’ll check on him.” His voice is void and there’s nothing left. I know this is hard on him and I hope he can put on a smile for the sake of his brother. When both guys come out of the bathroom, I watch Tyler help Ryan get in bed. “I’ll see you two in the morning. Goodnight.” “You’re staying here too?” I ask. “Of course. This is my house,” he coldly answers. “Let me know if there’s anything either of you need.” “Thanks Tyler. It means a lot to me that you’re here.” Tyler nods and walks out of the bedroom. He doesn’t look at me and I don’t blame him. I never asked myself how he’s feeling, seeing me in bed with his brother and wearing a ring that symbolizes our love. We get comfortable in bed and I rest my head on his chest. “Are you glad you came back?” I ask him. “I am. Being here has been what I need and I’m glad to have you next to me. I know this isn’t want you truly wanted.” “Stop, Ryan. This is where I want to be.” I can’t help to look at the door while I say this. I feel completely guilty and stupid for feeling this way. “I wish I could be here and watch you grow up and achieve all your dreams. I wish I could be here when you get pregnant and have babies,” he quietly says, holding back his tears before he continues. “Just because I won’t be here doesn’t mean you can’t be happy and I hope you and Tyler find your happy place. I need to know you’re going to be okay. I don’t like what I saw between the two of you. Maybe you should go out there and talk to him.” I think about what he’s saying. My eyes are still on the door and I want so badly for him to understand. I want so badly to feel his arms around me, but I made a promise to Ryan and I’m going to keep it. “Ryan stop. Please, let’s go to bed.” Honestly, thinking about Tyler is breaking my heart. As much as I want to be with him and hear his voice, I’m where I should be. Ryan’s perfect in his own way. Knowing he’s going to pass away soon, and

I can’t have him here, is breaking my heart. They say you don’t know what love is until it’s going to leave and I didn’t realize how much I loved him until now. But I love Tyler too. I love Tyler more. “I just want you to know my heart is beating for you. It’s not as strong, but it’s beating and every beat is for you. Even though I never felt you, or experienced probably one of the greatest feelings, I don’t need to because having you here is enough. You are enough.” “I love you, Ryan. Goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning.” “I love you, Bayleigh. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I’M SITTING BY THE pool with a beer in my hand, waiting for Ryan to come down so we can talk. I hear the door open and see him slowly walking. Getting up, I hurry to his side and help him down. “So, you made it without waking her up.” He nods and takes a few deep breaths. “She sleeps like a rock sometimes,” he laughs and leans back in the chair. “Man I’m going to miss sitting out here, under the stars, breathing in the air.” I watch him take a few breaths and slowly close his eyes. “You’re lucky, you know that right?” “How so?” “You have this amazing girl who’ll love you no matter what. I know she loves you more, but I had to be selfish. Just one time.” I hang my head and listen to him talk. “For so long, I watched you and Bayleigh live your lives and I envied you, man. You had everything and I worked my ass off when things came easily for you.” He coughs a little and I rush inside to get him a glass of water. Coming back out, I help him sit up and slowly tip the water into his mouth. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome,” I respond. “Take care of her, man. I know you’re pissed as hell and I know this isn’t what you wanted. But please, she’s going to need you. She needs you now more than ever.” I close my eyes and curse myself. Fuck.

One day earlier “TYLER?” SHE TOUCHES my arm and comforts me. My mind is too clouded to think clearly. She looks at my phone and gasps. “What the fuck,” I scream and throw my suitcase off the bed. “I’ve been gone for a few weeks and this shit is happening!” Ready to punch the wall, Serena grabs me and tells me to calm down. How can I, when the love of my life and fucking brother are locking lips and who knows what else is happening? “Get me out of here,” I seethe, not ready to deal with my brother dying and my girl with him. When I open my eyes, I’m in bed with a pounding headache. I feel someone touching me and turn over to see Serena. She’s pulling herself away from me and turning on her side. Lifting the blanket, I see I have pajama bottoms on. I’m scared to know what happened last night. I shake my head and try to remember. Tequila. Shots. Body shots. Cheering. Salt and lime. “Shit,” I mutter and get up from bed. My bare feet hit the floor as I make my way to the kitchen. Leaning against the counter, I turn around and turn on the faucet to splash water on my face. When I turn around, Serena’s standing before me wearing one of my tee shirts. “Morning,” she says and makes her way to the coffee maker. I look at her, still trying to figure out what the hell happened. “You threw up on me,” she simply states, “and I was here to take care of your drunk ass.” “What happened last night?” “Anna.” “What?” “Yep,” she pops the p. “Anna made her way to the bar and demanded shots of tequila for everyone, especially you killer.” “Did I?” I close my eyes, “Did I do anything stupid?” “Besides put your tongue on her disgusting body? No, I watched you. I get it, Tyler. It sucks being away from home and her. But I know you and I know you love Bayleigh. Go home and figure it out.” “There’s nothing to figure out. She kissed him and whatever.” Serena takes a sip of her coffee and looks at me, “I know it sucks. But you’re not innocent either. I know you’re lonely and I see how you and Anna flirt and work until late together. Or how you two go out to dinner and then last night at the bar.” “It’s not like that. Anna knows we’re friends.” “Doubt that,” she mumbles and makes her way to the couch to sit down. “Be careful, Tyler.” “I know what I’m doing,” I answer her after pouring coffee in a cup for myself. Taking a few sips, I join her on the couch and extend my legs out, feeling my body stretch. “I’m not stupid.” “Oh, you are.” Later on, I head to the office to get some of my things before my flight. I’m not excited to go home. There’s too much going on and I’m not sure how to handle it. I haven’t texted either of them and I don’t want to. Shutting down the computer, I grab my things when I see Anna coming into my office. “Anna?” She doesn’t say anything. Her eyes lock onto mine and she walks over to me with a slight sway to her hips. Looking down, I see the black heels she’s wearing and the short jacket. Fuck, please don’t be naked. “Anna, what are you doing?” A sly smile appears on her face, “Let me make things better for you.” She comes towards me and I let down my guard. Closing my eyes, I let her kiss me and pull her down to my lap, letting her feel my erection.

WHEN THE ELEVATOR doors open I step out. Opening my hotel door with the room key I walk in and look around the room. Throwing my suit jacket on the couch, I make my way to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of whiskey. Closing my eyes, what happened in my office plays back in my head. I let my guard down. There’s no way Bayleigh’s ever going to forgive me. Rubbing my face, I slam my head back against the wall. I welcome the pain. It’s nothing compared to what I’m feeling now. Why did I let Anna have her way? I should have said no and walked away. But fuck, I wanted to feel wanted. Fuck! Her hands touch my thighs, making her way up to what she wants. “Let me take away your pain.” I close my eyes, relishing her touch, feeling the groan in my throat. “I know what you need, Tyler,” she breathes, her lips gently touching mine. I don’t tell her to stop. Gripping her hips in my hands, I push her against the window and take her lips. Our tongues move with one another. Damn. Taking off her coat, I kiss her neck and suck on each nipple. She moans and when I slide my fingers inside her, pumping in and out, I feel her come and need more. Picking her up, I lay her down and place my tongue on her clit. “Tyler,” she moans as I lick her and suck hard. After feeling her release another orgasm, she stands up and unbuckles my pants, pulling them down and using her mouth to pleasure me. Her tongue does magical fucking things and it feels incredible. “God,” I moan, feeling her tongue circle my cock, “keep going.” Not wanting to come in her mouth, I pull her up, “Do you have a condom?” She smiles and takes one out, sliding it over my hard cock. Bending her over, face down and ass up, I slide inside her and fuck her hard. She screams, telling me to go deeper, until we both find our release. Finishing my drink, I pour myself a second glass and finish it with one gulp. Hanging my head low, I grip the counter and curse myself for giving in. I close my eyes and picture my beautiful girl with her large brown eyes that see my soul. Small freckles dance on her face under the sunlight, with her small nose and kissable lips. She’s innocent and shy, with a twist of naughty when it’s her and I. With each kiss we shared, I died a little. Her talented tongue in my mouth made my dick twitch and with one touch, she made me ache for her. So why the fuck did I do that?

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I thought she was an angel and I’ve always loved her. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me and she’s here with me. But I was the one who never believed in love or wanted love. I never pursued her or told her how I felt. I knew she was in love with my brother and I fell in the shadows. Going through the days and nights without her, watching her fall in love with him was hard. Hearing her say it’s always been Tyler and no one else was painful. She never gave me a chance and I never asked for one. After the night she got raped, I had to get out of there. I couldn’t bear to see her in pain, but I couldn’t leave. When everyone was gone, I snuck into the hospital and sat with her. There were machines everywhere and she wouldn’t wake up. I sat there with her, holding her hand, telling her over and over again how sorry I was. Then I kissed her forehead and left. I watched her for a while and I wondered if she was getting better. She never left her house, only to go to court, and I followed her. She looked frail and pale. Tyler was there, holding her, supporting her, loving her. Something I was doing from far away. The day she took the stand, I wanted to murder Tony. I wanted to watch the life escape his body and see his face when he fought to take his final breath. The fucking defense attorney was a douchebag too. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill everyone. When the verdict came back, I knew it was time to leave and I did. I followed my dreams and traveled the world, until pain struck me, bringing me back to Rochester. I was admitted and had to face the news. I was dying. It was my punishment for not protecting her from Tony. I should have been there to watch over her. But instead, I picked a random whore instead of the girl I love. I deserve this pain and I deserve to die. I’m the reason Bayleigh’s fucked up in the head. She’s scared of her shadow and when I’m gone, I’m scared of what’ll happen to her. Will Tyler man the fuck up and watch her? Who’ll push her to live? I get my phone and send a text to Mandy. Me: When I’m gone please watch over her. I know you’re busy with your life and I’m so happy for you and Damon. But please make sure she doesn’t stay in her room the whole time. Please watch her and make her do things. Mandy: You know I will. Tyler still acting like a jackass? Me: Yes and I don’t blame him . . . Promise me Mandy she won’t know pain. . Mandy: She won’t Ry . . . I promise. Get some sleep please Me: Yeah . . . Sleep . . . I love you Mandy. Thanks for always being there and send my best to Damon Mandy: Of course. .We love you too Ry Hoping to soon fall asleep, I bring her in my arms and kiss the top of her head. My world has everything I need because of her. Everything I do and everything I feel is because of this woman in my arms. Nothing will ever happen to her because I’ve made sure she’ll be okay.

I know she will. The next morning, she heads home so I can spend time with my mom. We sit on the deck and I drink her famous hot chocolate. Reaching over, I squeeze her hand, “I love you, Mom.” “Oh Ryan,” she cries and gets up to hold me. “I love you so much, son. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish,” she sobs, “I wish you could fight this.” Holding my mom in my arms, I reassure her everything will be okay. “It’ll be fine. I promise. I love you so much. You’re the best mom and I know I wasn’t the easiest son to raise, but thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for loving me and thank you for teaching me about life.” I hold back my sob and hold her tighter, “I’m going to miss you so much, Mom.” “Ryan,” she sobs and there’s nothing more I can say. My mom is the strongest woman I know. “Say hi to your dad for me and please watch over us.” “Forever, Mom. Until we see each other again.” She lets me go and kisses my cheek. We sit by the pool for hours and I’m getting cold. Asking her to help me inside, I don’t have the strength to make it up the stairs. Tyler helps me to my favorite chair and wraps me in a blanket. I hear my mom crying on the phone with my doctor. I see Tyler hugging her and hanging up the phone. A sharp pain is in my head and it makes me dizzy. “Hold on just a little while longer, Ryan. Keep fucking fighting.” I cry and hold my head in my hands. The pain intensifies and part of me wants my life to be over. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. The only thing I know is I have to. I want more time with her. I need more time with her. I need to look into her beautiful eyes and remember our love. I need to feel her lips on mine and feel her soft hands touching my face. I need to hear her voice, telling me everything will be okay. I’d give anything to see a smile on her face and to see her truly happy and in love. With him. Hearing the door open and close, I move my head so I can see her walking in. She’s wearing leggings with a white off the shoulder top. The cool air comes in and I breathe it in, hoping to make it last forever. “You’re back,” I smile and see her walking towards me. She bends down and kisses my lips. Heaven. “Can I get you anything? Do you want to watch a movie?” “Yeah, can we watch a Disney movie?” I smile and remember when we were sick my mom put in Beauty and the Beast. It was usually because Bayleigh would be over taking care of us too. “Okay,” she smiles again and goes to the kitchen to get my mom and Tyler. I hear the whispering, but I can’t make out where they’re saying. Soon, the three of them are sitting down and Tyler’s getting the movie prepared. I reach over to hold her hand and she willingly takes it and blows me a kiss. This is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Right here in a room with the people I love so much. The movie plays and we’re still holding hands. I look over at Tyler and see his eyes on our hands. My chest aches thinking about how much he hates seeing this and how he longs for her. I fucking hate this shit and wish I could give back a piece of her heart so it’ll be whole again. I need my girl to be whole again. When the movie’s over, Tyler helps me upstairs and to the bathroom. I hear Bayleigh and my mom talking. I look at Tyler and thank him for helping me. “So, how are you feeling?” I cough a little and hold the wall for support. The dizzy spell hits me again with full force and my head feels like it’s splitting in two. “Like shit.” “I know, man and I’m sorry,” he tells me, rubbing my back. “Keep fighting.” “I’m trying.” When Tyler’s done helping me get to bed, he says goodnight to the both of us and I’m back to where I

need to be. In her arms, next to her. “Do you know how easy it is to love you?” She smiles and rests her head on my chest. I wrap my arms around her and feel her body relax. “Loving you is keeping me alive and strong. Thank you.” “No need to thank me,” she answers and holds me tight. I hold her close to my body and hear her slowly breathing. I know she’s asleep. I don’t want to sleep yet. I’m afraid I won’t wake up in the morning and see her again. Shit, please don’t take me away yet. Not yet. Please. “I love you. Thank you for giving me my piece of Heaven.”

I WAKE UP THE NEXT morning and kiss Ryan’s forehead. I check his pulse and make sure he’s still alive. I know it’s morbid, but I need him alive. I can’t lose him. The day’s coming and I hate seeing him in so much pain, only saying goodbye to him is going to be one of the hardest things. The bond we share is so strong and that’ll never change. No matter where we are, we’ll always be side by side. Heading downstairs, I see Tyler outside. He’s sitting on a chair on the deck and drinking a cup of coffee. Quickly making myself a cup, I walk outside and sit down next to him. “Do you ever wonder about life and the meaning of it?” “All the time.” I take a sip of my coffee and look at him. “What are you thinking about?” “That it fucking sucks my brother is dying and my mom’s a wreck. That the woman I love is sharing his bed and even though there’s not much I can do I still wonder if life will bring us back together.” I watch his eyes on me and I wonder the same thing. When Ryan passes away, things are going to be different. I’m not sure how we’ll handle the loss and I’m not sure what we’ll do when it happens. “I think everything happens for a reason and we’ll find our way,” I smile and take his hand. “Do you want that?” “I’m not sure. There are things I’ve said and done and I don’t think you can forgive me.” I swallow the lump in my throat and wonder what he’s talking about. Instead of asking I relax in the chair and squeeze his hand. “I have something for you.” Before I can say anything, Tyler heads inside and comes back out holding a box. He hands me the box and I open it to see a beautiful infinity necklace. “This is beautiful,” I cover my mouth and cry. “Thank you so much, Tyler.” He takes the necklace from my hands and places it around my neck. The way his fingers are brushing my skin is making my heart beat fast. I miss his hands on me. I miss him. Coming around to sit back down he looks at me and smiles. “It looks beautiful on you. A beautiful necklace for a beautiful girl.” He lifts my hand to his lips and we both close our eyes. “I have to go and check on Ryan.” “I know,” he whispers and lets me go. “Let me know if you need anything.” “I will, Tyler. Thank you.” Kissing him on the cheek, I go inside and back to his room. Sitting down next to him, I touch his cool face and put more blankets on him to make sure he’s comfortable. I wish this wasn’t happening to him. I curse God for taking away someone who deserves to live his life. I’m not sure how long I’m up here for. Ryan’s still sleeping and I wonder when he’ll wake up. He needs to eat something. I’m scared to wake him up. He needs his strength, so I lie down next to him and read on my Kindle. Night falls and Ryan slowly wakes up. He turns his head and smiles. “Hi.” “Hi, sleepy head. How are you feeling?” “Okay. But can we sit outside again. I know it’s cold out, but I want to look at the night sky with you.” Grabbing his sweater and jacket, I help him down and we walk downstairs. Tyler and Moira are in the living room and watch us walk outside. They look worried and I give them a reassuring smile.

When we sit down, I look at Ryan and he’s mesmerized by the stars and clouds. “Do you think I can touch a star when I’m in Heaven?” “I think you can do anything you want to do wherever you are,” I hold his hand and try my best to hold back the tears. “You’re so strong, Ryan. You can do anything and you’ll be pain free soon.” I can’t hold it back anymore. “God, why does this have to happen to you?” “I know, Bayleigh. But we have a purpose in life. I was sent to come back to you and make sure you’ll be okay and you will be. I know it’ll be hard, but please don’t forget the promise you made me. It’ll all be okay.” I hear his voice getting weaker and his hand is getting colder. I yell for Tyler to come out here and help me bring Ryan back inside. We get him up the stairs and back in bed. Moira brings us blankets and puts it on him. My heart sinks when I see the color in his face go pale and the light in his eyes slowly disappearing. I need him to keep fighting. He can’t leave yet. No, please Ryan fight. Rushing over to his side, I curl up next to him and sing a song. I sing about love and finding peace. I sing about anything to keep him awake. “Please stay awake.” The hours pass and I feel Tyler’s hand on my hip. Everyone is in the room and I look around to see Mandy holding Moira and Damon is standing in the corner wiping his eyes. “Everyone’s here, Ryan,” I whisper, softly waking him up. When he opens his eyes, there’s a small smile on his face. “Hey everyone. Sorry I look like shit right now,” he laughs, “thanks for being here and promising to watch over this girl. God I love her,” he says, laughing and holding my hand. “I want to say I love you all and I know you’ve been through a lot since I’ve been back. Thanks for never giving up on me.” Everyone in the room cries and I hold onto him tighter, and longer. I don’t want him to leave yet. Not yet. Please keep fighting. Ryan gives me the strength I need to keep fighting and living my life. He’s the breath I need to get through the day and now not only will he be leaving, but he’s taking away my light. My strength. Watching him smile with his eyes on everyone and softly talking to Mandy and his mom, I look over at Tyler and he’s in the corner with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. This can’t be easy for him. He’s not only losing his brother, but friend. These boys have been through so much together. Looking back at Ryan and hearing his voice, I’ll miss hearing him talk to me. I’ll miss hearing him say my name. I’ll miss how he pushed me and made me do things, even though I fought against it for so long. I’ll miss it all. When everyone says their goodbyes, they leave us alone in his room. I rest my head on his shoulder and our hands are stretched out, resting on his lap. “Bayleigh Renee.” “Yes, Ryan Alexander.” “When I was sleeping, I had a dream about you. It was our future. Five or seven years from now and we have a baby. She’s beautiful,” he coughs and holds me tighter. “Stay with me tonight.” “I’m not leaving you, Ryan. I promise this is where I’ll be.” “I’m not going to make it,” he whispers and I shut my eyes to force myself to remain calm so I don’t cry. “I’m glad you’re here though.” My heart aches when I hear his frail voice. He’s okay with dying. I don’t get it. I don’t understand how he’s at peace and I’m lying here with a broken heart. “Do you know how much I love you?” I nod my head. “Your love kept me alive and I’m so thankful for you. I’m so lucky to have spent the last few weeks with you.” Tears stream down my face. I can’t

maintain my composure. This is harder than I thought. I don’t know how I’m going to be okay when he leaves this Earth. I don’t know how any of us will be okay. “I need you to promise me you’ll be okay,” he coughs and struggles to breathe. I get up and look at him, telling him to breathe and relax. “Stop worrying,” I cry, “I’m going to be okay. I promise you I’ll be okay and I’ll be happy. But I need you to stop talking and hold me.” “I’ll hold you. Always in my heart. Always.” He slowly closes his eyes and opens his eyes again. “There you are,” he smiles and kisses me on my lips. “Please stay here with me. I don’t want to be alone.” “You have nothing to worry about. I won’t leave you.” “When I see you again, you’ll have so much to tell me, “ he smiles, “and I’m going to enjoy listening to you talk about your life. You’re going to live to be old and gray, with your great great grandchildren around you. You’ll have the family you’ve always wanted and I’ll get to watch it all happen. When you watch the sunset, please think of me. Please remember our love and remember how strong you are. Even though I’m gone, it doesn’t mean I’m not standing by your side because I promise that’s where I’ll be until it’s your time to come to heaven.” I sob in his arms, uncontrollable ugly sobs. I can’t be strong for him because I know that soon he’ll be gone. “I love you so much, Ryan. I’m always going to love you. Your memory will live on and it’ll be us. Just us.” “Good,” he smiles, “I love you so much and I’m sorry I have to leave. I’m in so much pain, and I’m not sure how much more I can hold on. I’m trying for you. I’m sorry I won’t ever get to see you smile or hear your voice. I’m sorry I won’t be here for you. But remember you have so many people who love you. You have Tyler. And that makes me so happy.” “Ryan,” the sob escapes me and I throw myself on his body and hold on tight. “I love you.” “I’m never going to leave you. I promise.” I can hear him struggling to take breaths. This is killing me. I don’t want him to stop talking, but I need him to rest. “You fought for me when no one else would. Thank you for loving me and staying by my side. Thank you for everything.” “You never have to thank me, Ryan. This is what I want.” “It’s time for me to go to sleep. Can you look at me please?” I turn my head and see his blue eyes staring back at me. “There’s my beautiful angel. My angel who gave me life and made me live longer. I love you,” he says and kisses me again. “So much.” I watch as he closes his eyes and struggles to breathe. I hear the door open and Tyler comes in. He sits on the other side of Ryan and soon his mom is in the room sitting next to me. Tyler gets Ryan comfortable and the three of us hold his hand and say a prayer to God so his soul makes it to Heaven. The hours go by and I can see his breathing drastically slowing. “Take care of her, Tyler. Take care of her and love her. She’ll forgive you. Just fight.” “I love you, Ryan,” he cries and holds his hand. “You can let go now, Son,” Moira adds, “We love you so much. Please don’t worry.” Tyler rests his head on Ryan’s hand. “Go to Heaven, Ryan. Remember how much we love you.” “I love you all . . .” he breathes and lets it out, “so much.” His hand goes limp and his chest stops moving. My world comes to a slow end and there’s nothing else I can do.

STANDING IN FRONT of my mirror, I press my hands down on my dress and smooth out the wrinkles. But fuck! As hard as I rub, there are still wrinkles. Whipping off my dress, I grab the iron and ironing board and pace my room, waiting for the stupid iron to heat. It’s the twenty first century, wouldn’t you think by now there would be an instant heat iron? Grabbing the damn thing, I press it on my dress and remember this dress isn’t made of material you can iron. Throwing it across the room, I grab the dress and look at the holes. “Fuck!” I scream and throw the dress. “Why can’t I fucking get this right?” Going into my closet, I look for another black dress. Ripping my clothes out, I’m soon on the ground, lying on my side, clinging onto my clothes. “Bayleigh?” My mom rushes in and takes me in her arms. “Oh baby,” she cries, rubbing my back. “It hurts so much, Mom. I can’t believe he’s gone. Why?” “Shhh, I know baby. I know you miss him. But what you did for him was the best thing ever. You spent every day with him and made him comfortable. Baby, he’s at peace because of you.” This makes me cry harder. I’m holding onto my mom for dear life, refusing to accept Ryan’s gone. She helps me up and sits me on my bed, while grabbing a dress for me. I feel like a useless child, waiting for her mommy to dress her. Once the dress is on and she brushes my hair, I see Tyler at my door. Our eyes meet and the next thing, I know I’m in his arms. Breathing him in, feeling his arms around me, is what I need right now. It’s what I’ll always need. My mom pats my back and kisses Tyler’s cheek, leaving us alone in my room. We stand like this for a while and neither of us move. We cry and comfort each other. “I need you more than ever,” he tells me, “please no more pushing me away. I love you, Bayleigh. You’re the only person I have right now who I need.” “I’m not leaving you. Not now. Not ever. It’s us again.” I hear a breath of relief and we finally find the courage to head to the funeral home. The day is here and it’s killing me. We’re standing by Ryan’s casket, and thanking everyone for coming. The wake yesterday was beautiful. Tyler and I worked together and put the pictures in a slide show. Everyone was at the wake and they said their condolences. I have no idea how I’m standing. I watch everyone coming in and sitting down. I recognize Serena and a few other people. I keep my eyes on her and hate her for coming. They sit in the back and Tyler is by my side with his mom. There’s another blonde next to her and her eyes meet mine. Who the hell is she and why is she staring at me? I keep my eyes on her until Moira tells me to have a seat. I look away and my eyes find his casket. I feel the tears again and wipe my eyes. I can’t believe we’re going to say our final goodbyes. It’s hard to accept he’s truly gone. Reality hits me with full force and I have to go on with my life, even though the man I love is gone and I’m not sure how I’m going to function without him next to me. He’s been the light I needed and now I’m not sure if I should turn to Tyler or find my own way. What do I do? “See You Again” by Wiz Khalifia and Charlie Puth plays in the background as people take their seats in the church. I look around and see the shedding tears. Tyler puts his arm around me and I cry in his arms.

I can’t believe this is happening. “I miss him,” I tell Tyler. “I can’t believe he’s gone.” “I know,” he cries, “it sucks. I wish we didn’t fight for so long. How can I be okay with this? My fucking brother is gone.” Tyler quickly gets up and goes to his brother’s casket and rests his head on top. Moira doesn’t know what to do and sobs while the church goes quiet. “I’m so sorry Ryan. Shit, I’m so sorry. No matter where you are, you’ll always be here with us. You’ll always be my brother. Always, man.” I get up and pull him off the casket. He turns and wraps his arms around me. “You can’t leave me. Please don’t leave. I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave too.” “I’m not going anywhere. I told you I’m not going anywhere.” “You say that now. But I know you’ll leave again.” I have no idea what Tyler’s talking about and it’s bothering me to no end. The song ends and the priest stand before us, saying wonderful words about Ryan and his accomplishments. The church cries and no one has the strength to do anything else. I’m not sure what else happens. I don’t feel like I’m sitting next to Tyler and Moira. When his casket is carried out to the hearse, we gather in the limo as it takes us to the cemetery. No one says anything and I don’t know what we can say. I don’t remember getting out of the limo or putting a rose on his coffin. I don’t remember the priest reciting the final prayer. I don’t remember the casket being lowered or falling down to my knees, screaming for Ryan. I don’t remember Tyler helping me up and carrying me to the limo. It’s all a blur. The last memory I have of Ryan is the night he died. As soon as we’re back at the Scotts’ house, Moira goes to her room and I’m in Ryan’s room. Lying on the bed, I feel a letter underneath my pillow. Slowly ripping the envelope, I retrieve the letter. Unfolding the paper, I feel tears in my eyes and feel the tears streaming down my face. To my Chip It feels like forever since I’ve held you in my arms. I know you’re broken and confused, but don’t let that hold you back. I love you and I will always love you. Don’t stop living because I’m not here. Take this time to let your heart open to Tyler. I hate that I caused your heart to break. I hate making you feel so empty. But always remember, I stayed alive because of you. I found a love so true and you gave me peace. I didn’t die in vain. I died knowing real love. Live your life and set your heart free. Open yourself and forgive him. Be the girl I know you can be. I’ll always remember you, Ryan I read the letter over and over again. It’s not easy to read his words. But I know what he’s telling me and I have to try and live. Walking downstairs. I hear voices from outside. When I peek through the window, I see Tyler talking to the blonde who eyed me in the church. Quietly, I open the door and listen to what they’re saying. “We had sex! One time. It meant nothing to me, Anna. Why the fuck are you here?” I hear him scream and his words hit me. I finally understand why Ryan told me to forgive him and why Tyler’s so scared. “I love you Tyler and I don’t care what you say. I know you love me. Didn’t you feel anything when you were inside me?” “No! I felt nothing because you mean nothing to me. I just lost my fucking brother.”

“And I’m sorry,” I hear her say, “I’m sorry, Tyler. But I’m here to comfort you, baby. Please let me.” “No!” he screams. I see his pacing the deck and my heart sinks further in my chest. He slept with someone else. The realization I’ve pushed him too far hits me. If I didn’t push him and if I let him back in we wouldn’t be in this position. He would have been able to spend more time with Ryan before he died. This is all my fault. I can’t stand to hear any more so I grab my things and sneak out the back door and to my house. Crashing on my bed, I tune everything out. I can’t bear to hear anything else. I hear my door open and look up to see a red eyed Tyler. I don’t know what to say to him and I’m not sure I want him in my room. “You left.” “Yeah,” I answer, “I did. I need time alone.” “You told me you wouldn’t leave me,” he sobs and kneels beside the bed, “you promised.” “I heard your conversation outside with whoever that girl was,” I tell him, holding back my sobs. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “You don’t know how sorry I am.” “Wait,” he pauses, “why are you sorry?” “Because,” I sit up and lean back against the head board, gripping the pillow against my chest. “Because I pushed you away. Everything is my fault. You slept with her because I didn’t want you. You’re right. You deserve to be wanted and loved. If I didn’t push you away we’d be together and you would have spent more time with Ryan.” “Don’t do this, Bay. Nothing is your fault. Please.” I can’t hold in the tears. Finally letting out my sobs I feel his arms around me, and instead of accepting his comfort I push him away. “This is my punishment. I put you through hell and told you to leave me alone. I told you to give me time and look what happened. I fell in love with Ryan, while loving you, and caused a mess.” I cry, “Everything is different and now I need to do the best thing for you.” “You promised though,” he sadly says, reaching for my hand and I pull away again. “Goodbye, Tyler,” I say one more time. The pain clouds his eyes and I don’t know what to do. I feel the tears streaming down my face and neither of us are moving. I hate that this is happening, but it’s the only way. As much as I love him and as much as I want to fight, I don’t think we can do this anymore. Sometimes love doesn’t conquer all.

Tyler and Bayleigh’s story continues in Even Rhythm. Coming December 2015

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Acknowledgements To my amazing readers who are the sweetest and makes being an author fun and challenging. You’re all wonderful and I’m so thankful for you. Thank you for sticking by my side and encouraging me to keep going. I love our interaction online and meeting some of you at signings. Big hugs and squeezes to you! To my author friends thank you for your support and making our Indie community fun and supportive. To my COPA ladies who are beautiful inside and out. You’re wonderful and are beyond talented. I love our little group and I’m glad to have you in my life. To Stephanie, Stefanie, Tonya, Kaylee, and Karrie thank you for taking time to read and give me your honest feedback. It means the world to me and I’m thankful for your notes and suggestions. You ladies make it great to work with. To Kellie thank you for being my editor and putting up with my craziness! Thanks for being my Happy. To Jessica, my bae, thank you for being my final pair of eyes and your help. To Lexi thank you for being my PA and loving me even though I drive you batty! I’m very lucky to have you! Remember you aren’t allowed to go anywhere! Sandi and Kaylee I love you ladies hard! Thank you for everything and for being the bestest friends. Allan and Jeff, thank you for being so wonderful. Working with you both has been fun and I’m lucky to have you. Cassy, I appreciate your hard work and am thankful that you’re able to squeeze me in! To my PR company, Eye Candy Bookstore, thank you for always staying on top of things and your hard work. It means so much to me! You ladies work hard to help me and my books so thank you thank you thank you! To Give Me Books, thank you for hosting my release day blitz and all the hard work you put in. To the bloggers, big thank you for sharing my work and reading! I say this all the time, but without your dedication to authors and your hard work it’ll be hard to be successful. You’re spreading news about books and giving authors, like myself, a chance to shine. I will never be able to express my love! To my babes, you ladies rock! Thanks for making me laugh and smile. I appreciate everything you ladies do. To Gunnar DeWitt for being on another cover of mine. I love working with you. To my family and friends. Your support means the world to me and I can’t thank you enough. Finally to my husband. Kevin you’re my forever love. Thank you for holding my hand and climbing each obstacle that comes our way.

About the Author S. Moose is a New York Times and USA Today Bestselling author, living in Webster, NY with her family, friends, and shorkie, Charlie. A 2011 St. John Fisher graduate, S.Moose loves to read and write. She enjoys getting lost in the fictional world and creating a place where readers can fall in love and swoon over the cute boys she brings to life. When she isn’t in her room in front of her computer or a book, she is with her family and friends being silly and enjoying life. She’s romantic at heart and loves anything with a happily ever after.

S. Moose loves connecting with her readers! Be sure to visit her at: Web: smoosewrites.blogspot.com Email: [email protected] Facebook: www.facebook.com/S.Mooseauthor Twitter: @S_Moose060912 (http://www.twitter.com/S_Moose060912) (http://www.twitter.com/S_Moose060912) Instagram: instagram.com/s_moose0609